#- definition for it that I understood.
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going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:
There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’
like wow babe. good fucking point
#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point#not a shitpost#cptsd#and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer#the truth is i know why i wasn't loved#i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings#i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing#i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance#the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it#i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer#and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!!#because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that!#it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs!#so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't.#when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to#you can look for answers and reasons and explanations#but that's not actually going to FIX your situation.#and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job)#because you don't need answers--you need a new situation#*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme*#and yes. walking out isn't always possible.#but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap.#stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air#new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust#like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be#when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole
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#fruits basket#furuba#tohru honda#yuki sohma#my art#rats#hello! it has been a long time!! i am so sorry!!! \;O;;/#a lot of things happened including that i got a job so now i am considered slightly more of an adult (not that this determines adulthood)#and i never ended up watching season 2 and 3...#but now i have to bc there are spoilers everywhere when i try to look anything up about the series!!#i did a full reread of the manga recently and im sobbing bc i understood the later parts a lot more than i did when i was younger..#i feel like i understand more about it every time i reread it as i get older#when i was younger i definitely gravitated towards rereading parts with my favorite characters over and over#i also recently managed to find a tokyopop vol. 22 and 23 so i completed my collection!! \;;-;;/ (i should have done this earlier..)#i am so happy people liked the zine picture! thank you so much for the kind tags!! ;;w;; i see them and they make me so happy!!! \>////</#i hope everyone is doing well!!!
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2.05 The Aftermath | 5.01 Nameless, Faceless
#criminal minds#criminalmindsedit#cmverse#cmverseedit#userparallels#elle greenaway#aaron hotchner#ellegreenawayedit#aaronhotchneredit#mine#edit#*#parallel*#i love parallels#tag meta#wordles#meta#~#otp: now i think i'm actually gonna miss that#i think about this a Very Normal Amount! and the fact that chris mundy wrote both! it's fine!!#i definitely don't lose my mind thinking about how hotch has absolutely put this together in his head at some point#how elle's assault and subsequent vigilantism and resignation absolutely rattled him to his core#(in part because of the guilt and in part because of his own thoughts/behavior in 1x17 with elle#(another chris mundy episode i might add!!) but that's a whole other can of worms)#how he understood the violation of what happened to her and made sure to personally remove all traces of it#(to atone for his part in what happened to her first and foremost but also because they were close. he understood her!)#and i definitely don't wonder if while it was happening. he thought that. maybe. this was retribution for his part in what happened to elle#i could scream about elle and hotch for days honestly
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yknow what. I wanna say: CSA and COCSA survivors are all incredible, but I also wanna give a shout out to ppl who were exposed to sexual stuff or had any kind of sexual experience as a kid that they either aren't comfortable labelling as or don't consider abuse, but they know it still fucking sucked and shouldnt have happened. Even if that changes later in life and you identify as a victim/surivor, it can be messy to have to imagine those labels applying to the ppl in ur life and that can take time.
The most important thing is to prioritize your recovery + health, and to support other victims + survivors.
#COCSA ment#CSA ment#This is like. V personal and venting (maybe over sharing)#It's. I'm going to be honest recent discussion really brought this back into my brain aaughhh. Not in a bad way necessarily#Just. I know I've had experiences that I think others might label this way and I struggle to really understand that#Beyond the gut feeling of ''it doesnt count'' there's the understand that I might be denying it bc of shame or even just. The fact I have#An internal definition of it that excludes myself. And that I don't want to imagine the other ppl as 'abusive' and I don't think they had#The intent to hurt me. And the fact in one situation I know none of us understood boundaries or consent bc we didn't#Actually talk with adults about what like. Sex and sexuality meant so all out fucking context was porn. And just idk#I have specific experiences but those Memorable Incidents were just part of a larger pattern of me learning Abt sex young#And then failing to get proper sex ed for years. And the internet. And the Fucking Internet#(fanfic is like. Anti sex ed. 70% just the fucking worst shit to internalize 30% ''hey this is actually Okay'')#Sex Ed... Like in school... Needs a fucking HEAVY overhaul but it's still better than nothing usually
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Half questioning my memory of the post s4 era, half side eying a certain character, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there was ever a time when the Buddie fandom fully took the single “Evan” from the season 4 finale as Eddie receiving “Evan” privileges from then on. From my recollection, fics stayed mostly consistent with their uses of “Evan” by Eddie, perhaps just with an emphasis on important moments (love confessions, Christopher’s adoption papers, wedding vows, NDEs, etc.) after the finale. And I had to stop myself from wondering why that is because I know why. We all know. Because nobody wanted to use “Evan” in fics when Buck had just told his parents that people who know him call him Buck. So Buddie fandom heard that, accepted it, and uses it only sparingly. In canon and fanon, even Maddie only rarely uses “Evan” anymore, and it feels even less common for her to use post-Buck Begins (if at all, actually). So the fact that Tommy and BT fans tend to use “Evan” (at least, this has been my experience) is so utterly jarring. Buck told everyone his preference, and I believe LFJ has spoken about being told to use only “Evan” when referring to Buck, so I simply do not understand anyone who believes that BT is in love already or endgame. Yes, it could go the “Buck gave Tommy ‘Evan’ privileges off-screen” route, but then why push it off-screen? It would be a major allowance made for a new love interest, and a significant step in Buck’s character arc. Yet we see nothing of the sort. So why would anyone believe that’s what happened? The last we heard, Buck had told his parents and everyone else to call him Buck exclusively, with the minimal exception of Maddie (who was, for most of his childhood, his one and only lifeline and confidant). That sort of history and characterization is not ignored if there is not something very wrong with the writers’ room. It was not even ignored by a significant portion of the fandom post-season 4, although Eddie gaining permanent “Evan” privileges would’ve been a strong indicator of a Buddie endgame (had an on-screen explanation of Eddie gaining this privilege been released). It was not ignored, and it did not change the nature of Buck in fic nor fanon. So why in hell is the same not holding true for a brand new relationship like BT?
#buddie#apologies for the rant#it just annoys me#that for 3 years this facet of Buck’s was understood and accepted by basically the entire fandom#but enter T and suddenly people are using ‘Evan’ like Buck didn’t literally walk through fire every single day of his life to keep from#being known as his parents’ ‘Evan’ again#this was literally not a problem before this past season and now everry time I see ‘Evan’ used in fics I cringe#soemtimes even when it’s Maddie or Eddie using it in a canon/character-aligned way#it’s the very definition of YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS CHARACTER to my brain#anti tommy kinard#anti tevan#anti bucktommy#anti bummy#anti bt#evan buckley#eddie diaz#and like#who cares if T is using it in canon???#he’s literally known Buck for all of 5 months at MOST#this is not a case of endgame ship getting privileges regarding each other that others don’t#this is a case of T and BT stand not understanding Buck as a character or person#even watching the whole show does not absolve someone of this weirdness because why is anyone following the lead of Tree 6 on anything Buck#maddie buckley han#maddie han#maddie buckley#btw if you’re a BT who somehow stumbled on this post despite like 4 anti tags that are easily filtered - just walk away#I am but an annoyed buddie fan who thinks that watching this show for deeper stories#is better than latching on to the newest white boy of the month#911#911 abc
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Idk thinking about it maybe Adrien is not just totally blind to other peoples feelings for him but it’s again a product of the low self-esteem wherein he doesn’t think anyone would ever love him sincerely. His fans ‘love him’ but they love the image crafted by his father. His mother loved him but she was taken away from him. His father probably loves him but he definitely likes to give and take it away at a whim. So surely that ‘I love you’ was platonic, I am nothing to love and she definitely meant that in a friend way, because who even am I?
I think he’d easily twist every confession into something that fits the narrative he tells himself, and that he’d never want to make someone uncomfortable by misreading their intentions so he just doesn’t read them at all. Like marinette acts weird around me a lot, she does stuff I’ve seen people with crushes do but surely thats just the way marinette is and it isn’t my business to push myself on her in case she’s just awkward because I’m a drag of a person blah blah blah.
Idk if I articulated that well but do you get the idea?? Even if you want someone to love you that way, if you do not know/like yourself you will reject the possibility someone does like you that way.
And Ladybug is delightfully unattainable so he can place her as the person whom he can imagine loving him because there’s no way LB would actually love him. Sure she’s his partner, their love is totally platonic and so he’s safe to love that way. The other side of his low-self esteem, the side that craves validation is shown here. As a civilian he cannot believe love can be given to him without price or cost and it’s probably something else, he’s mistaken. But the moment the love square reverses, he can’t see her attempts at wooing him as sincere. They’re a test or a joke, or an affect of the miraculous. Nope, she definitely doesn’t mean it. And adrienette only happens because he gathers a little self-esteem and he knows marinette likes him, it all comes to together for him finally, there’s too much evidence now and he likes himself enough to take a shot.
LIKE COME ON
Anyway I think that is interesting
#sizzle rambles#I definitely wasn’t trying to write fic and then had this thought#And couldn’t insert it into the fic cause it was sort of out of no where#But also i kinda wanted marinette to be like#‘I realised the reason why Adrien never understood my confessions was not because#He didn’t like me or he was totally blind to it#But because he didn’t think he could deserve it if it were true”#miraculous ladybug#adrien agreste
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I don’t care if it’s boring I’m 10000% in love with the idea of Vegeta having a quiet happy domestic home life throughout the 7 year gap and as his end game.
He was raised in an intergalactic mafia and by an absolute miracle got out and was granted his life back. Twice. One of the two last men standing when an entire population gets wiped out. Twice (counting the Freeza Force, by the end of ResF).
His father stopped fighting on the front lines once he became king, to watch over his domain. Frieza didn’t personally get involved in battle (not wipeouts, but actual battle) until Namek. Vegeta was always (told he was) intended to take both their places.
Letting him grow into a protector has been such a great arc and imho it would be so beautifully wrapped by letting him finally get to go home and inherit his crown as the guardian of his new planet.
#I think about it so much#And I talk about the foils moving past each other in opposite directions makes me so happy#Goku spent his life home on Earth and could spend the rest of it having adventures all over the universe.#Vegeta spent his life adventuring all over the universe and could spend the rest of it home on Earth.#Let Broly come to earth too I want to see him be besties with gohan I want to see him be bESTIES WITH PAN#dbtag#silly hours#I just love that Geets wanted so much to be home with his new baby and was immediately robbed of his peace bc Freeza was resurrected agAIN#And every day I think about how he told Whis the only reason he was still training was because Freeza was alive again#And I just think!!! This man deserves to retire and be the domestic dad he so clearly loves being!!!#That’s my hc anyway. Especially now that he KNOWS he can close whatever gap Goku puts between them in terms of skill#I still think Bulma was annoyed with him training all the time during the gap was because she figured it was peacetime and didn’t understan#Until Buu happened and then she definitely understood why he trains during peacetime— I hc she built the island villa like a year after Buu
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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im not done actually. something wicked is still on the mind
#look at my something wickeds boy#ultrakill#v1#something wicked#should draw more of these two#something so lovely about their level#i understand it is meant to be a cheap little horror game#but its interesting#v1 doesnt really hold the same power it did#not that it really understood the strength it held#but it definitely understands when it is powerless#gen art
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Vi for three whole episodes: take the shot. Take the shot, Cait. Take it. Powder's dead. We have to end this. Take the shot.
Caitlyn: *takes the shot*
Vi:
#SERIOUSLY#three episodes of “we gotta do this” “can't let her play with us” or whatever#only to coward at the sight of a random kid that Caitlyn would definitely not hit#and miss their perfect chance#“then why are you acting like her???” BELOVED.#I don't think you've understood that for Jynx to die someone has to shoot her#arcane#caitvi
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Things we know or can deduce about Gorgug’s Barbaficer Subclass + Feats! I preface this by saying I didn’t go back in the episodes to find the proper “names” of the feats mostly because we don’t even know if they were using them or just saying what they needed to get the point across lol.
Tool Knack/“Rage Against The Machines”: This one seems full homebrew to me and is also fairly simple, Zac more or less read off the ability description in an episode. As a bonus action, the Barbaficer can whack a broken/malfunction piece of technology to force it back to its working state. Due to the limited situations in which this can be helpful, I’d guess it’s what is standing in for his first (Level 3) Barbaficer Specialist Feature.
Elemental Rage: It’s likely that this may just be a modified version of the Pathfinder Unchained Barbarian’s “Elemental Stance” Rage Power! When raging, the Barbaficer chooses a type of elemental damage to infuse into their attacks and become resistant to for the duration of their rage. It seems possible to stack with Absorb Elements for either double elemental damage being dealt back out or for multiple different elemental resistances. Due to it representing the combination of his experiences (but also process of elimination), I’d guess it’s his second (Level 5) Barbaficer Specialist Feature.
Battle Gear/Gadgets: This one seems like a mix of homebrew and an expansion on the Artificer’s Infusion List. The Barbaficer gains a set of tools optimized for battle. These tools can only be used a certain amount of times per day, it is unclear if the “uses” are a pool for all tools or if each tool has its own number of daily uses. I also don’t know that we’ve seen the full list but we do know two of them! Gorgug’s Goggles can be used to obtain one piece of information about an opponent, including their HP, immunities, resistances, vulnerabilities, and potentially more. It is unclear if the goggles can be used multiple times on the same person to glean multiple pieces of information and what it takes in terms of action economy as they were never used in battle. Gorgug’s Grenades can be used as a reaction to distract or disorient an opponent, giving them disadvantage on a roll. The way that these tools are spoken about seems to imply that they do not count towards Gorgug’s known Infusions or count against his Attunements. Due to the variety/complexity it can add to the battlefield, I’d guess it’s the third (Level 9) Barbaficer Specialist Feature. Not to mention the fact that Zac dropped a level of Barbarian, losing the Mindless Rage Feat, to get access to his third Artificer Feat and I doubt he’d choose Elemental Rage over Mindless Rage.
And lastly, Artificers get their last Subclass/Specialist Feat at level 15! Since last we saw Gorgug he had deleved in Barbarian down to level 5 it is possible, that if we get a Senior Year and Gorgug continues to exclusively take Artificer levels, that we could one day see that last feat. It is also possible for the current feats to gain a thing or two, the most likely being access to more tools/gadgets or an increased amount of daily “uses” of said tools/gadgets and increased damage output from elemental rage.
#fantasy high junior year#fantasy high junior year spoilers#fantasy high#fantasy high spoilers#dimension 20#gorgug thistlespring#i don’t remember seeing anyone do a breakdown and just spontaneously felt like doing one#if it seems like I somehow misunderstood/misinterpreted anything feel free to let me know how you understood things!#I could definitely be wrong. especially about the elemental rage details since he was also using absorb elements the only time we ever saw#and those two things already have so much inherent overlap lmao
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take a bite! 🩸(close-up under the cut ↓)
#never understood people saying 'tumblr screwed up the quality' before but uh. i definitely do now!#toga himiko#himiko toga#mha#my hero academia#bnha#boku no hero academia#mha fanart#my hero academia fanart#bnha fanart#boku no hero academia fanart#adding all the tags cos i just can#caption is from beabadoobee's song 'take a bite'#this took a bit! i haven't drawn in like forever#lot of fun figuring out the shading and stuff#i'm really proud of the shading on the skirt and bow thing :D#and... less proud of the blood on her hands lmao#← i was STRUGGLING trying to draw them#initially she wasn't even meant to be sitting down but i gave up on trying to draw her standing up cos i was tired and this seemed easier#apologies if the pose is seen as sexual!!! i am a minor and did not intend for her who is also a minor to be seen that way!!!!#← so i'm rlly sorry if it looks that way!!! was not the intention at all#drawing her sleeves was so difficult bro. it was CRAZY#← should NOT have been that difficult lmao#moral's murals#fanart
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Me: I want to talk about Louis de Pointe du Lac in the books and how he's constantly haunting the narrative whenever Lestat is the narrator, even when he's not physically present or Lestat isn't even consciously thinking of him, because Lestat is actually always thinking of him and remembering him and using him as his humanity compass, and...
The tiny rational part of me: can you PLEASE go to bed, you'll write a love letter to Louis once you've had more than 4 hours of sleep, I am begging you, your eyes are burning, your neck is aching, you're starting to get a headache and you're being slightly delirious.
Me: but Louis.
Rational me: LATER.
Anyway I love Louis and I love how Lestat completely adores Louis and I love how every single vampire of the Court, from the most ancients to the youngests, know that they belong together and no one should ever try to separate them.
Also Louis noping out of the entire drama with Amel and those clone guys to go peacefully read in his crypt far away from the entire drama is so FUNNY AND RELATABLE, like same mate, saaaame, I'm good reading about it, don't wanna live it, no thanks.
#rapha talks#rapha reads#the vampire chronicles#prince lestat#prince lestat and the realms of atlantis#louis de pointe du lac#lestat de lioncourt#loustat#anne rice#books#i swear louis is the only vampire with brains in this entire world#homeboy definitely understood early one that he should only deal with his own business and stay away from the insanity#or should i say he went insane in the 70s and kick-started an entire societal revolution and he didn't like that one bit#so now he'd rather be left alone to his own device and honestly he's so right#his only flaw is that he's entirely devoted to lestat but like. who can blame him.#but yeah he's the ghost he's rebecca haunting the manor and guiding the story even when he's not there#no wonder anne rice identified herself as being him or him being her i understand i understaaaaaand#oh man can someone take me out please#my mind does not want to shut up i'm tired of myself#anyway#i love louis#that's it that's the post
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Me reading a fic where the person had an identidy realization that they were in he aroace spectrum and now they were figuring themselves out(I finally found something that understood me and a romance I could relate to after all these years)
#love loses! you're on the aroace spectrum and you dont fucking know what you are but you're definitely on the spectrum#but it's so hard to explain bcuz how do youve never had a real crush on someone but also have had platonic feelings for someone#and dont want to do the romance thing but also still want to have a queer platonic relationship and do romance things?#YOU DONT#IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME BUT I JUST KNOW#ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I CANT JUST GET CRUSHES ON PEOPLE IT TAKES YEARS I'VE ONLY HAD 1 CRUSH THROUGHOUT MY LIFE#AND I JUST WANTWD TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM#I thought that was just me but the author was projecting and explained perfectly what i was going through#and ik i say “I cried” a lot when talking about something but i did actually cry#had to put my phone down bcuz it felt so nice to be understood#idk just venting and rambling lol#aroace#ace spectrum#gotta keep a journal on this bcuz i want to explain to people but it's so hard for even me to grasp#and i feel like they won't believe me anyways bcuz ive tried to himt st it but i just get weird looks#its annoying but it is what it is#aromantic#asexual#lgbt#queer#talking#rambling
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Let's talk composition in the jdrama. L is always on the brighter side of the frame while Light is on the darker side.
#I caught it once and never stopped being able to see it like L is just always beneath lights or in front of windows#I was esp astounded by the 1st image the lights are off outside the window behind Light!!! and all the lights are open on L's side!!#*rubs my hands together in glee whenever there's intentionality in the media I consume*#death note#death note jdrama#light yagami#l lawliet#death note drama#you wanna know how I realized this? light starts wearing all black after he meets L#and I got kinda annoyed noticing he's always darker side of the frame cause it's hard to see him in all black#but then I analyzed. and I understood.#the jdrama just loved the black-and-white aesthetic of these two they couldn't get enough of it#in hindsight they definitely focused on this over the red/blue cause in my post about light's outfits I was surprised he wore so little red#much easier for them and also L never changes outfits and couldn't have his wardrobe match his character arc like Light anyway
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It’s four in the morning so this may be a bit messy.
Random Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley head canon:
Simon’s first kill was an annoying bird that always seemed to find where he sat outside and bothered him.
He was throwing rocks at a tree, he heard the specific sound of the bird. He didn’t stop his action but grew more annoyed as he saw the bird flitting around like it always did, bothering him.
He was already having a shit day of it because of his dad so when the bird landed near the tree he didn’t hesitate to throw the rock, expecting it to fly out of the way.
But it didn’t, the rock hit the bird hard. Simon doesn’t know if it was killed on impact or whilst he sat there staring in shock.
He ended burying the bird and crying as if he had lost a friend. A part of him thinks he did as he felt more alone when he sat outside to get away from his family.
Even in his adult life he would pause for a second and look to the sky upon hearing the song of that specific bird, sometimes it brings him comfort but other times he remembers the fear and sadness that had haunted him back when he was younger.
#started writing this at 4 before passing out only to wake up to horrendous spelling errors and gibberish but I still understood myself#Young Simon definitely hated violence#in my headcanon at least#simon ghost riley#call of duty#headcanons
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