#*puts help wanted sign up*
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they want to talk about mental illness and acceptance and how everyone is a little ocd it's cute and quirky and their "intrusive thoughts" are about cutting their hair off and you say yours are about taking a razorblade to your eye and they say ew can you not and everyone is a little adhd sometimes! except if you're late it's a personality flaw and it's because you are careless and cruel (and someone else with adhd mentions they can be on time, so why can't you?) and it's not an eating disorder if it's girl dinner! it's not mania if it's girl math! what do you mean you blew all of your savings on nonrefundable plane tickets for a plane you didn't even end up taking. what do you mean that you are afraid of eating. get over it. they roll their little lips up into a sneer. can you not, like, trauma dump?
they love it on them they like to wear pieces of your suffering like jewels so that it hangs off their tongue in rapiers. they are allowed to arm-chair diagnose and cherrypick their poisons but you can't ever miss too many showers because that's, like, "fuckken gross?" so anyone mean is a narcissist. so anyone with visual tics is clearly faking it and is so cringe. but they get to scream and hit customer service employees because well, i got overwhelmed.
you keep seeing these posts about how people pleasers are "inherently manipulative" and how it's totally unfair behavior. but you are a people pleaser, you have an ingrained fawn response. in the comments, you have typed and deleted the words just because it is technically true does not make it an empathetic or kind reading of the reaction about one million times. it is technically accurate, after all. you think of catholic guilt, how sometimes you feel bad when doing a good deed because the sense of pride you get from acting kind - that pride is a sin. the word "manipulation" is not without bias or stigma attached to it. many people with the fawn response are direct victims of someone who was malignantly manipulative. calling the victims manipulative too is an unfair and unkind reading of the situation. it would be better and more empathetic to say it is safety-seeking or connection-seeking behavior. yes, it can be toxic. no, in general it is not intended to be toxic. there is no reason to make mentally ill people feel worse for what we undergo.
you type why is everyone so quick to turn on someone showing clear signs of trauma but you already know the fucking answer, so what's the point of bothering. you kind of hate those this is what anxiety looks like! infographics because at this point you're so good at white-knuckling through a severe panic attack that people just think you're stoic. even people who know the situation sometimes comment you just don't seem depressed. and you're not a 9 year old white kid so there's no way you're on the spectrum, you're not obsessed with trains and you were never a good mathematician. okay then.
mental illness is trending. in 2012 tumblr said don't romanticize our symptoms but to be fair tiktok didn't exist yet. there's these series of videos where someone pretends to be "the most boring person on earth" and is just being a normal fucking person, which makes your skin crawl, because that probably means you are boring. your friend reads aloud a profile from tinder - no depressed bitches i fucking hate that mental illness crap. your father says that medication never actually works.
you still haven't told your grandmother that you're in therapy. despite everything (and the fact it's helping): you just don't want her to see you differently.
#writeblr#warm up#to be clear let me state again: i think you should id however you fucking want if it helps you seek peace#but there is a HUGE difference between being like '.... im undiagnosed but i think i might be X'#and a person who is like ''omg my intrusive thoughts made me buy a birkin!!!''#babe mine made me throw up bc they disgusted me so much <3#mine made me hurt myself evenly. even when i wanted to stop. i have had to put my hand on the stove MULTIPLE TIMES#and again i'd rather have 10000 people get help for something they don't need help for#than have 1 kid NOT get help#but there has GOTTTTT to be a middle ground here#bc at this point it isn't ''raising awareness''#it's . fucking misinformation. and ''what this picture says about you!!!!!''#& yes! im mostly talkin about ppl who are actually disgusted and offended by signs of mental illness#but use it to defend THEIR actions#like babe you hate when kids start yelling in the walmart? but you YOuRSELF can yell?#you are depressed so it's fine you were cruel to your spouse?#but if your spouse spends too much time in bed she's a lazy fuck?#your partner needs to do everything for you bc of your history in trauma? but when SHE has needs she's being clingy and gross?#HUGE difference here between whom i think most of my followers are btw. like#all it takes is fucking anyyyy empathy or kindness . like.#anyway it's hard to explain im hoping we all know the person im talking about lol
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Nick and Pearls
#still trying to figure out how I wanna draw Phoenix.. specifically his eyes it’s hard for me to get em right#I couldn’t stop imagining Phoenix carrying Pearl on his shoulders during the investigation.. she was too worried abt maya that she#couldnt sleep!! I think its sweet she wanted to help with the investigation and tagged along#i think I do better with the investigation parts since its more like putting clues together.. but I suck at the trials cuz its hard to#keep up with their train of thought like. sometimes I’ll KNOW how to answer but idk what the right piece of evidence is#and the penalties make it nerve wracking but I wanna see it get put together#like ‘how can I prove the suicide note is forged’ oh maybe I can use Celeste’s photo since she signed it.. that way u can#compare the handwriting on the note right#WRONG u present the suicide note. I got fucking dinged for that sigh#ace attorney#aa#Phoenix wright#pearl fey#art#doodles
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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Hey do you guys ever think about HOPR’s gestalt and how she was probably a very lonely person for most of her life before volunteering to be a neural template donor
#I’ve been rotating this lately#in the good timeline she ended up w a military unit who had kitzeh backgrounds similar to hers#but that did not happen#she ended up with a group that wasn’t very sympathetic and did not help her whole deal of needing to prove herself#I think in many ways she was a performer like the line she inspired#in terms of putting on a brave face for herself and a very confident persona for others#none of her issues never ever rubbed off onto HOPRs neverrr#looks at the entire replika line who has a deep craving for connection and would rather gnaw off their own legs than be outright genuine#theyre not afraid to be attached to someone but they’re afraid to be vulnerable if that makes sense#HOPR genuinely confesses her love to u and then throws up bc that was awful#their tough guy persona is easy. flirting and being obnoxious with everyone is easy. that other shit tho? terrible they can’t tell you#when HOPRs start degrading they become less afraid of that#but that happens while they also become much more clingy and afraid of doing a bad job#degrading HOPRs all tend to have those same signs but they can go anywhere from there#they’re just really nervous elderly dogs ur honor#they need constant reassurance from whoever they’re under#they just really want to do a good job they love u so so much#anyway some hopr thoughts#hopr#blorbo tag
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My dad put up a pride flag outside the house and it makes me so happy!
#the context is#the new neighbors#put up a tr*mp flag#and though part of me just wanted to steal and destroy it#[like certain lawn signs that went 'missing' around the neighborhood in 2020]#i figured this was a more important statement and less dangerous#so i asked my dad to help me get a pride flag for the house#we didn't find one out shopping when i visited last#so he ordered one and put it up#i really love my dad
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Have you heard of swap hazbin hotel? If you do, then here is an idea for an au of Devil's bastard. This is roleswap, the personality would stay the same or similar.
What if it was alastor that open the hotel. The hotel's design would resemble his and his mother's old home. He did it as an experiment or because he was bored, knowing that no one would support redemption, no one except Charlie. She fully support the hotel idea and Alastor is now along the ride. Then when Charlie's father came, Alastor may not do much antagonize because he was the one that started the hotel and he may need support, so unfortunately he may have to grit his teeth while Lucifer does his "hell greatest dad". Don't worry, he will hold a grudge. When the reveal of Alastor's father happen, Lucifer will feel like putting a foot in his mouth due to his comment on Alastor and during his song.
What would the relationship be between Alastor and the hotel residents when the reveal happen?
Got a few asks about this, so I figured I'd combine 'em. I'll prolly won't address each and every point in these asks since I'm answering several at once.
Okay, so, to be honest, my opinion on roleswap AUs is kind of mixed. I think they can be a lot of fun, but I don't really like them when it's just swapping the character's aesthetics and narrative roles for no apparent reason. For a roleswap to be interesting to me, it has to highlight some underexplored aspect of a character, or some similarity between the swapped characters that isn't normally apparent. And I prefer there to be some in-universe reason why the roles are swapped, rather than it being just random.
One example I particularly like is a swap between Angel Dust and Vaggie, where Valentino was the one who came across Vaggie half-dead in the alley. In this universe where Angel Dust never signed a contract with Valentino but Vaggie did, Angel Dust stayed in his family's web of crime until he eventually joined the hotel. Even though each character ended up in one another's role, they still acted like themselves. Angel Dust was still Angel Dust, just with his mob connections more apparent and with the freedom to do things he couldn't while on Valentino's leash. And Vaggie was still very much the tough-as-nails former exorcist who, like the original Angel Dust, is the type to try to shoulder her burdens alone and reject outside help out of a sense of self-loathing.
I'm not as fond of most swaps between Charlie and Alastor because they usually end up feeling like wholly different characters to me. But in the comic I reblogged, what really sold it for me was Charlie's line about Alastor being an addict. I think it's fascinating if you view Alastor's need to kill as being similar to Husk's predisposition towards gambling, or Angel Dust's addiction to drugs and sex. For a character who routinely goes out of his way to be something Other Than Human, this is weirdly humanizing. Additionally, swapped Alastor's expression when Charlie calls him an addict suggests that she's right, and that the violent murderer we know in canon isn't entirely gone from this character. And if that's the case, then it's fair to assume the reverse is also true and the sweet, idealistic Charlie is somewhere under swapped Charlie's manic smile. This makes me want to follow their story, see what brought them to this point and where they'll go from here.
My biggest roadblock in setting up a swap AU of the Devil's Bastard AU - besides getting a bit frantic with sub-AUs already - is figuring out under what circumstances Alastor would open the Hazbin Hotel and Charlie would not. I would probably start with circumstances similar to the Raised Together AU, in which Lucifer found out about Nicaise getting pregnant with his son right away. But when Nicaise was murdered, instead of getting Alastor first, Lucifer went straight to Nicaise's killer to confront him. Unfortunately for the man's health, he was a drunkard and after what he did to Nicaise he heavily indulged. So when Lucifer appeared in front of him in all of his hellish, angelic glory, the man broke down in nearly incomprehensible babbling, and as he was begging for forgiveness for what he did to the woman and the boy, he inadvertently confessed to killing Alastor as well. All while Alastor was sleeping in the shed.
Lucifer slaughtered the man right then and there. What was left of his corpse didn't even look human by the time Lucifer was done with him. Then, heartbroken, Lucifer returned to Hell for good. In the aftermath he became even more fiercely protective of Charlie, not even letting her leave their family home without him or Lilith present. And this added yet more friction to his and Lilith's strained relationship. Sadly, Charlie's dreams hit their first major roadblock before she'd even gotten them off the ground.
But obviously Alastor wasn't dead. He didn't have an easy time of things after his kidnapper's death, since he wasn't able to weasel his way into that man's grace, but he was very much inspired by the event. He would still go on to become a serial killer, seeing it as the only way to fix what was wrong with the fucked up world he lived in. Plus, it was really really fun.
When he died and went on his Overlord murdering spree, he drew the attention of Lilith who immediately clocked there was something different about this sinner. Between what Lucifer had told her - at her discretion - about his child and human friend, the unnatural amount of power, and Alastor's name, she put two and two together almost instantly. She decides to keep a close eye on this particular sinner. With Lucifer more withdrawn than ever and keeping Charlie in isolation with him, it wasn't hard for her to keep his presence in Hell a secret. It was just a matter of figuring out what to do with this information.
Arrogant as he is, the day eventually comes when Alastor gets in over his head. Maybe he fared worse in the fight against Vox and Valentino than even they realized, maybe he got caught in the middle of an extermination. Whatever the case, Lilith swooped in and offered a deal; his life for his soul. And Alastor was in no position to say no.
With Alastor on her leash, Lilith decides on what to do with him. She's going to make her daughter's dream come true. Although Charlie hasn't been allowed to go out and interact with sinners regularly in decades, she still harbors hopes of saving them from exterminations. Something which Lilith is aligned in, though their methods are slightly different. And with her growing frustration towards Lucifer, wouldn't it be just beautiful if one of his very own detested sinners were to prove him wrong? Hence why she doesn't tell Lucifer that his son made his way to Hell after all. Of course, Alastor doesn't believe in redemption and wouldn't go along with this willingly, so Lilith gives him some motivation. If he can get one - just a single soul - into Heaven, she will return his soul to him. All he needs to do is prove it's possible.
As far as Alastor's concerned, she just gave him an impossible task as a means of taunting him. In his mind, she's basically told him, "You're mine forever." But, this is the only path available to him right now, so he sets to it.
The first Charlie ever learns of Alastor's existence is the broadcasts of his victims' screams. So she instantly recognizes the voice on the radio advertising a project aimed at doing no less than exactly what she's always dreamed of! Is it possible? Did one of the most bloodthirsty, ruthless, and dangerous Overlords decide to walk the path of redemption himself?
...Maybe. Charlie isn't naive enough not to suspect some ulterior motives from the Radio Demon. But she hopes. And it's that hope that fuels her to once again approach Lucifer and beg him to let her go out and help their people. Lucifer refuses to listen. He shuts her down, not willing to entertain the notion of a sinner fighting for redemption for even a moment. There's no point in having faith in them. Charlie leaves dejected.
Later that night, as she's once again rereading the story of how her parents met, the Radio Demon's voice rattling in her head, she decides she's had enough. Why did she ever bother with asking? Her parents are the original rebels! She grabs her cell phone, a few wads of cash, and - when they notice her leaving and don't try to stop her - Razzle and Dazzle, and disappears into the night.
Needless to say, Alastor is very, very confused when this mysterious Hellborn shows up on his doorstep, not wanting to seek redemption or protection from the exterminations, but declaring her intent to help. He's instantly suspicious, and it hits Charlie that Alastor won't believe any genuine offers of help. So she does the first thing she can think of; she acts shady. Her acting is a little awkward and stilted, but Alastor more readily believes that she's there to watch him make a fool of himself. Besides, as powerful as he is, the funding she offers will go a long way towards fixing up the facility. So the hotel gains a mysterious new facility manager with a hidden agenda in the form of the Princess of Hell. Not that she's telling anyone who she really is.
Eventually Charlie's sure that Lucifer will come looking for her, so she has to work fast to make this thing work before he figures out where she is.
She just doesn't know the clusterfuck that's awaiting her when that day finally comes.
#ask#nopeknight39#anon#Hazbin Hotel#the Devil's Bastard AU#TBD Swap AU#I got a fourth ask about this while I was writing it lmao#with Alastor being in charge of the redemption activities everyone's gonna have a bad time#he probably puts a shock collar on Angel Dust and has him sit on the couch with some coke laid out on the table#and zaps Angel whenever he reaches for it#Angel Dust after the nth zap: THIS ISN'T FUN ANYMORE! I WANT A SAFE WORD!#Alastor: [ZAP]#Charlie: Alastor do you... actually know how to redeem people's souls?#Alastor: Do you?#Charlie: I mean- well... it can't be worse than this!#Alastor found Vaggie and pulled her out of the trash#they're not exactly best friends but Vaggie decides she's going to help this talk show shitlord who clearly doesn't know what he's doing#Charlie has gone from being Princess of Hell to pulling tiny maids out of toilets#but that's okay! it's what she signed up for!#she will find a silver lining in this...#she makes eye contact with Vaggie: silver lining found#Alastor: If you're quite done I believe you both have jobs to do!?#Alastor will instantly recognize Lucifer when he does eventually come to the hotel#but it will take Lucifer a little longer to recognize Alastor#the name does catch his attention but Alastor's exactly the sort of edgy edgelord who would take a name from Greek mythology#so even though it's uncommon it's not impossible for some total stranger to have the same name as his son who is SUPPOSED to be in Heaven
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Were you out as trans to the Rabbi who managed your conversion? I'm Jewish and trans too (from birth tho), and I'm interested to know how it worked for you
I'm still in the process, but I have so far not told anyone about my being trans. I don't know... I just don't feel as though I need to qualify my manhood, if that makes sense. I've been finding in many of the largely cishet jewish spaces that I'm in that I feel more accepted even when I'm stealth than when I'm in non-jewish cishet spaces, so I really don't find it that big of a deal to make it Known. Obviously, it may be different when it comes to my rabbi, and it'll likely come up because I want to look into maybe an alternative to a brit (not out of requirement, out of my own want)... If you couldn't tell, I'm still trying to figure out what I want haha!
I guess the long and short of it is... It just works for me? It's rather boring the way it's been for me, and for that, I really am grateful. I know it's not the same for everyone, and I want to make it clear that this can absolutely coexist with having a really boring, uneventful experience with this.
#ask#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#i also think part of this is because i am so tired of having to have a Coming Out moment#and also... i generally prefer cishet spaces that don't make a big deal put of Being Inclusive#in my experience some of the worst cishet-dominated spaces i have been in were ones that were more concerned about optics#and *appearing* to be inclusive rather than just... Being Inclusive#my shul has been pretty decent about Being inclusive rather than just Saying they are#this long answer is mostly because i'm still working through what i want and thinking out loud can help sometimes#i by no means am trying to justify my experiences or thoughts#but i will likely come out to my rabbi which will most likely go over well. he's been giving green flags from the start#and the program that we're part of has you put pronouns down when you sign up LOL#i'm like. one of only three he/hims LMAOOOO
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just for fun and unserious ask!! if you/your sona musu were put into the TCWG universe which role would you see yourself as? a mage, a witch, a regular NPC, etc :0
OH THIS IS SUCH A CUTE ASK!!!!!!!! i / my sona would definately be an npc cryptid.... i think she'd be an annoying traveler that always needs saving from dumb situations, or like that one guy in totk putting up signs everywhere, she'd just have the same puzzle minigame set up in like 1000 different locations
(with the cryptid aspect being that "musu" is actually the sentient musubi on her head and it controls some random girls body)
#i would not want to interfere with the guild activities#and i also dont think im cut out for the adventures#and i cant compete with the merchant#just let her be the annoying npc#where you make it over a hill and be like (DAMN HER AGAIN???? IN THIS PLACE???? WITH A DANGEROUS CREATURE 100 FT AWAY????)#maybe she needs help putting up a musubi propaganda sign#(musubis are the best food. eat one today) the sign says#secret reward for completing all the little minigame quests is you get an ordinary musubi on the house#no special properties. just delicious#maybe she has a cart of musubis thats always getting stuck in caves and canyons and the little quest is to get it back to the road#i might actually make an annoying npc like this because this is a funny idea#it wont actually be my sona ill redesign her to be something else#but i love the concept now
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i have depriving myself down to an art form
#why am i like this??#why do I keep breaking my own heart?#apparently I've also got to finish the job by posting into the abyss#wish someone would fix me cos this cycle ain't stopping#(missed out on adopting yet another rescue dog I had my heart set on)#i should be fine with this cos I said I wanted to give a home to a dog who had trouble finding one#or who would struggle with inexperienced owners#and this dog was rehomed in just days so he clearly didn't need me#but after the extreme grief of losing my last dog to cancer it's been really hard for me to find a dog I'm ready to commit to#(especially in my town cos I'm just not a staffy/pig dog person and that's 99.99% of dogs here)#and I don't know when it's going to happen again#I finally got ready to hit that button to enquire and then got the news on page reload. it hurts#the other dog I like is too far away to meet and would hate the 2-day car ride back.#he's been getting overlooked for too long. but he's also like 30+kg which dramatically increases his ongoing cost of care#and I'm still trying to find work. (I could have afforded looking after the little guy inc. in any emergencies with my savings)#anyway I have to pick myself up cos my nieces have asked me to [“help them”] train their big unruly dog#that it was 100% irresponsible of my sister to get#but as usual she gets to have whatever she wants and everyone else has to pick up the pieces#and then I get to hate myself for growing bitter from being responsible and caring about the situation I put others in (ppl and dogs)#anyway gonna go cry myself to sleep#maybe one day I'll get sane and stop my belief in “signs from the universe” to guide me re: whether it's ok to let myself have something#(after I've done the logic math)
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.
#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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my toxic trait is that i legitimately have so many little organizers/trays/drawer separators that help me keep my room clean that are literally just cut up cardboard boxes from things I bought - a 12-count clif bar box but horizontal turns into a tray for hair care stuff, and another clif bar box cut vertical for pills/painkillers, old box for period pads with the lid removed becomes my sock container in my drawer, and another for undies. cardboard panels from an amazon box now separate my pants from my shirts from my skirts-and-misc in my clothes drawer. Another clif bar box holds pens and pencils.
which would be fine except. it means that i feel like I should hold onto all my cardboard boxes forever just in case inspiration strikes and it could be a good organizer tray size, so i am forever fighting the urge to keep what is usually just actual garbage (well, recycling at least)
#tag#also tho if you're like me and your adhd clutter (or non adhd clutter) is everywhere and you buy things that come in boxes#this is your sign: grab scissors. if you have tape handy that can help but its optional. make a tray and put a handful of clutter object in#rinse repeat with whatever frequency makes sense to you#you may feel the urge to categorize things as you put them into trays: go ahead and categorize but dont get too caught up in it#it doesn't solve clutter but it makes it SO much easier to move the clutter around#and gives you strong visual blocks of 'how much room does this take up' and 'where might this tray of stuff fit'#and as any sorting task does it also makes you pick up each thing which gives you a moment to go#'wait ok do i actually want to bother keeping this?'
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i know a bunch of folks assume that stan would've quietly left town/cut off contact with literally everyone if weirdmageddon never happened + if ford made him close the mystery shack but with alex being super vehement about stan never abandoning any kid of his, i personally think he would at least stay in gravity falls for soos at least
#(altho there's the whole thing with ford not being intensely 'gtfo out of my house' post tots#and that plot point kinda being dropped)#(even then i think stan wouldn't have wanted to stay in the shack after the kids went home if the two didnt reconcile)#there's also stan putting up mystery shack signs just a week before summer ends#but personally i ended up hc-ing it being out of spite cos its funnier that way#but anyway there's the whole thing of the kids healing stan's concept of family over the summer#and stan being open to seeing soos as a son post series (even if he wont admit it out loud)#its still a shame we never got a proper stan+soos or stan+wendy plot#but at least we got that comic story of soos helping stan get back that childhood dream of making comics#anyway a post series au where the stan twins are beefing despite being on the opposite sides of town#and technically not directly talking ever#stan has money stashes but with the s1 finale i assume most had been inside the house#so the moment he got the shack back he buried a bunch of them outside instead
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dont mind me. im simply just putting together a ludgercasey angst collection.
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#''why cant u be normal abt them'' how can i be normal abt them when solid 80% of their interactions is either angst or stemmed from angst.#even their ''fluff'' moments were also angst.#literally no one does angst like they do.#ludger prefers to keep most of his connections extremely impersonal/professional.#but whether or not he wants to admit it theirs on the other hand simply does not... fit in that category.#he'd even tried to convert it that way but it just didnt stick bc neither of them could help but be themselves around each other lmfao.#ludger is seemly still oblivious to caseys attempt to mend their personal relationship.#which is not too surprising considering he was also oblivious to the existence of their past relationship.#after all there was no reason for him to believe that casey would want to have anything to do with him. except maybe putting him in jail.#so pushing her away seems to be the most logical decision right? personal relationship is a luxury to him anyway.#alas casey who wanted to believe in their past friendship takes it as a sign that ludger has no interest in maintaining it.#she now has to take a step back because ''if you force a relationship it may become more estranged.''#so unless he takes the initiative they are likely stuck in this limbo.#(casey might use impersonal excuses to stay around but rn its all up to ludger to change the nature of their relationship)#casey girlie forget him i would have treated you so much better... is what i would have loved to say.#i wouldnt be suffering this much if ludger wasnt clearly holding himself back most of the time / if it was completely one-sided from casey.#i dont know if this is a slow burn or hurt no comfort but if casey gets no closure im gonna commit arson 😔#aro ludgercasey propaganda#selmore's undercover husband#auposting
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missing venti hours
#i am having thoughts . but i am not too confident to make them their own posts#mmmost notably#about how nice of a thought it is — to imagine a bard that ven can get to hold again. to hear again#but . the idea that in canon . the best he could do to replicate that feeling is either holding himself and pressing softly or perhaps#gathering a long pillow in his arms and pretending#because mortals do not last long (not without consequence). and as said so much — time is merciless. it matters not how the clock ticks away#for you. whether it be by seconds or minutes. hours or years. it marches along regardless of anyone’s feelings to it#and you have to grasp at what lingers in between : the bonds that you make . the joy and sorrow . the laughing and silence#and you have to hold them close close close. to preserve them for another day#there is no getting back what was lost#but that’s a bit too bittersweet so anyways#first and foremost ven is a nuisance and we love him for that#secondly and much more importantly than the first point is that ven is full of love and care that it surprises me how it does not burst out#from him. ven puts others before himself A LOT. he wants everyone to be able to live peacefully. happily#to find that they can live another day with a smile#and if that means assuring them of what’s to come. or offering them a shoulder to cry on. or making a fool of himself#then by the heavens himself will he sign up for the task#he is not !!! a lazy archon i refuse this notion#he cares deeply for his people !!! he watches and he will help if they stumble and will back away when they wish to walk forwards on their#own !! and they will make mistakes and they will learn from them and he will be there …!!!!! to see them grow !!!!!#besides mondstadt doesn’t particularly ?? seem like they want a god to truly rule over them . tbh#and this is disregarding the fact that mond . fucking killed their first god . ven is not going to risk that ???#so what use would it be — to start randomly showing up as a god and guiding them that way ?? that would be pressuring !!#does this . am i making sense . im very tired#it’s 2am#lantern says stuff
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Hi there - I just wanted to pop in and see how you’re holding up. I hope the days have been landing gently for you. — June
💕 it’s been hard, though every day feels 2% lighter. his passing really hit me and, selfishly, it made me reflect on my own struggles and the loneliness that sometimes comes with them. nothing like what he went through, but it’s tough not having anyone close by to share this kind of sadness with. i’m trying to take this as a reminder to reach out more and work on building new connections.
i’m endlessly grateful to be part of this fandom, where kindhearted people like you reach out, and we’re all here together in this. i feel so lucky to have amazing friends and mutuals online that i can lean on. i hope you’re doing okay too, June. sending you lots of hugs!💕
#putting this in the tags bc its nothing life changing and i dont want to sound like im sharing tips#but im actively hunting for distractions that comfort me#i started reading again! last time i touched a book was in feb#i joined a book club in my city and cant wait to meet the girlies from there next month#signed up for a yoga class#signed up to steam and put some old school games on my wishlist that i might get at one point#made a list of cafes near me that i want to visit#and letting my friend take me to this workout class every week lmao we will see about that tho#hate moving my body but it does help clearing out your mind for at least a few hours bc you are busy sweating#answered#lovely people
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