#*onto this persona that is literally how i perceive myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ghostietea · 3 years

Text

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

#fruits basket #akito sohma #tohru honda #saki hanajima #machi kuragi #hatsuharu sohma #actually autistic #meta

198 notes · View notes

recorder-of-madness · 2 years

Text

A Love made of Delirium - Chapter One

Word Count - 2,703

TRIGGER WARNING - Physical Violence, Gun Violence, Bullet wound, Themes of self isolation'

Note - This is gonna be a self indulgent fanfic with my madness combat employer persona lmao, Kinda making it as a present for myself. I've been doing really well at work lately ( it's been pretty stressful so. ) and thought I deserved a treat. So fuck you, here is my ' i get to be cringe ' pass for the week. Also relationship wise for the fic I don't know yet so uhhhhhhh surprise you later I guess. I just like them all and can't decide +( This is also gonna be a yandere / have yandere elements because fuck you. I'm coping <3

They lingered at their computer, Staring at the latest work as they stretched. A full report on what they had observed from one of the many monitors of the machine. papers littered the floor while large drawers, filled with folders going back a couple years were all over the room. Photos and tapes were in their own respective piles, some were polaroid while others were shitty print outs. Some tapes were kept on vhs while others were on CDs. Each of the screens currently surrounding them either had their own DVD or vhs player. The room was only illuminated by the screens and the glowing eyes of the employer who sat in the middle of everything.

Most had not heard of the Recorder. Why? Well the name was evidence enough. A recorder simply observes and does not fool around in the endeavours they watch - only to examine and record that of what happened, a witness. Many things around Nevada did happen and sometimes they would feel bad, a sense of empathy that most, if not all, lacked. No matter how many times they perceived death: The guilt would linger. If they had been there, Would they be able to stop something from happening? They shook their head, trying to push away the moral dilemma that perplexed them day in and day out. ' That is not your job ' their thoughts replied, which they would nod in agreement with.

They pinched their nose bridge, Shivers running down their spine as they glanced away from the screen for a moment. When was the last time they had left their room? Well, They did not have reason to for so long and no one really knew their location outside of fellow employers but again. They had no idea of the others location either.

For a moment, For the first time in a while, The Recorder took a moment to consider a break. A lot could happen in a moment; Much less in a half an hour break. Then they would have to catch up and possibly miss something important. Like with the ongoing story of Hank J. Wimbledon vs the A.A.H.W. The fights that would take place were a amazement to behold. They were always so awestruck with how one man could take down a literal army. Then his co-workers, They would refer to them as friends but... from the body language they observed: he seemed to mostly stick to himself. An enigma among many Nevadans.

Sanford, Deimos: A duo of total destruction. They remembered watching the two first meet on one of their many screens and since then: They had observed just how close people can become. It was adorable to watch and a nice break from the usual cutting and tearing which was always put up onto at least one of the screens. Then there was the infamous 2BDamned, From what they recall, He wasn't even a real doctor yet the title of " Doc " was bestowed due to his vast but limited medical knowledge. He could heal someone up very well and was also a bit on the tech side of things. Very calculated in everything he did, It was always exciting to see exactly what plans he'd come up with.

The Recorder promptly had a file on each, but not just them. Almost everyone in Nevada, who'd come and gone, were stored in neat little folders accompanied by tapes and photos of the respected individuals. They hoped that if they knew, That the grunts that had died for nothing would find solace that someone would remember them: in a way there memory would be alive every time they read back through the folder, replayed a tape or simply gazed as the small photo attached to the front. They'd briefly thought about death, How perhaps the deliberator would free them from their mortal body and then stygian would escort them to the other place. Just another face in the endless piles they had recorded.

They had wandered over to the ladder, leading out the bunker. It was in the middle of nowhere and in all their years of being down here, No one but themselves entered or ever found it. Not that they minded, having no one around. It made it easier to focus on recording all the little details. Sometimes, they feared that maybe they had developed Para social relationships with some after being down here, watching so many grunts day in day out. It wouldn't be surprising but the thought was scary in itself.

' Maybe just a moment outside wouldn't hurt. ' they told themself, beginning to climb up the ladder. Each bar squeaked as new weight was put on it, Causing some discomfort. They mumbled something about having to get some oil. they continued, trying to block out the reoccurring screeches the ladder let out as they made their way up. Once they had reached the top, all that stood in the way was the turning wheel. Covered in cobwebs which made them shiver lightly

After a brief inspection to make sure there were no insect's hiding around, they turned the latch. It creaked loudly, not helping that they were next to it. Physically recoiling at the noise as they continued to turn it. it opened with a pop and for the first time in a long time, fresh air swooped into the bunker and into the recorder's lungs. Only to squeal as they realized the sun was pelting down on them. They shut their eyes tight, not used to the natural light. Whining to themself, feeling around as they attempted to climb out the rest of the way. Eventually they rolled onto their side: eyes fluttering open and shut as they attempted to become accustomed to the bright red Nevadan sun, unsure if they had missed it.

It took them a good 5 minutes to get used to it, redoing the eyes shutting and opening until they could stand the light once more. They took in their surroundings, glancing back at the once shut hatch. it was usually covered in sand, buried in the Nevadan desert. A light breeze blew past as they sat in the sand around them, grainy and slightly uncomfortable but a good change from the cold concrete floor. They dug their hands into the ground, rediscovering the way it fell through their fingers, eyes almost lighting up. How they had forgotten the beauty of the outside. Only being able to enjoy so through a screen. They tossed the sand up into the air before it fell, snickering lightly in amusement.

They dig their hands back in, leaning back to sit as they looked around. Nothing but desert really. The nearest thing was the old road nearby. It was a while away but visible from this distance. However, they squinted their eyes when they caught an interesting view. A vehicle was driving down the road. huh. Out of curiosity, they stood up to try and get a better view. It looked to be just that. A simple truck - most likely carrying supplies to whatever group owned it. Although it did seem odd when it stopped in the middle of the road, right in front of where they were standing vertical of it. Sure, they must have saw them from a distance but why stop.

The Nevadan desert stood still for a moment. Just a moment as they leaned closer, only to be shot back with a force. Their ears rung as they seemed to focus on the large bang so far away. A pain in their shoulder spread through their body. Neon green fluids began to bleed out of their wound, momentarily reaching out to touch it. They prodded it for a moment before whining and quickly retracting their hand from the wound. ' Fuck ' was all their mind could think, over and over the word repeated as they gazed back to the truck.

Red goggles stood out on the grey horizon. The dark figure slowly, but surely, making their way over. Their blood ran cold, Of-fucking-course. The ONE time they took a break. They fumbled back, Quickly getting onto their feet and scrambling back down the ladder. Not daring to look back at the large male on his way. The pain in their shoulder was quickly taken over by adrenaline, Climbing down the ladder. The squeaks of each only made their panic worse as they tried to close the hatch. Digging their claws in as they fumbled with each turn. It was hard thanks to the damaged shoulder but they hoped it would be strong enough to deter him from following them.

They climbed down the ladder, Stumbling as they reached the floor. Then everything went quiet, Everything apart from the screens their job was too observe. Taking a step back from the whole, shaking violently. Although, familiar voices quickly picked up from made then stop in their tracks.

" Hank. Hold on, what the fuck did you shoot " A voice called above the other screens, that being Deimos. A voice they'd grown to recognise from their years of watching.

" Shit. what is this? " The voice of his partner, Sanford then came from it too, prompting The Recorder to gently side step into view of the screen. Their the three were, outside the hatch and staring at it. Sanford was hunched over, but clearly motioning to some of their own splattered blood.

" Looks like someone burst open a glowstick " Deimos snickered reaching down and touching the liquid, Bringing it up to his face for a sniff. Sanford's features distorted with disgust as he smacked the back of the other's head.

" Don't fucking do that, bozo. For all we know it's poisonous " He responded only for Deimos to shrug in response. Seemingly taken aback by the familiar smell but different colour.

" Smells... like blood to me " He hummed, staring with integument more as he turned to the large male. Hank was looming over the entrance, unmoving and it only made the Recorder more anxious: feeling their heart beating out their chest: it rang in their ears. For a moment they feared Hank could hear it, echoing down here. He was a man on a mission, beginning to attempt to pry the hatch open. Thankfully, A younger Recorder was as paranoid as they were distrustful: So having an opening on the top was a big no no. At least not a visible one: there was the option for a code but they had never told anyone it outside their fellow employers. His attempts echoed down into the room, causing the Recorder to jolt: looking around for a weapon as they listened to the voices.

" Hank. I don't think that's gonna work. " Sanford responded to the others' actions, An audible huff of annoyance released from the other. That didn't stop them from their scrambling though. Fishing through everything Checking the drawers lining the wall. All came up with nothing. ' Am I really this defenceless? ' they thought as they recalled the tapes where each three had went around killing others. the way they done so without mercy. Will their head be squashed, stabbed? Perhaps their very flesh would be ripped from it's rightful place on their skin: Scratched and left to bleed out. Or perhaps everything they had work to record would be burned. No one would even know.

" Hey, Hey, Hey~, there's a code back here. I'll have it open in a jiff. Just let me.... " Deimos' voice trailed off, only heightening the anxiety they felt. Their form became goopier as tears began to gush from their eyes. They didn't want to die, Why did they have to go outside? Sobs of terror left their mouth as they collapsed to the floor. Gripping at their clothing and staring at the ladder. No... Please don't.

" Bingo! " And it was all over. They heard Deimos' voice as the screen turned to static: Indicating he was close enough to be observed from a first person stand point with them. The Recorder scrambled back under their desk, wrapping their arms around their legs. Mumbling for help, for someone to save them from their fate. They coudl hear the ladder creaking, even more dreadful than before knowing exactly who was making those sounds.

It didn't take them long for the group to find them, easily following the sound of crying and bright blood. Hank was already reaching a hand under the desk and snatching them up by the ankle before they could scream. Desperately grabbing onto anything that would stop him. Digging their claws into the table in some sort of desperate way to save themselves. At least not wanting to die in the same room they had been locked up for years. The Recorder continuing to get goopier, small black splotches falling onto the ground as they were held upside down by the ankle. As if some sort of prize Hank had hunted down for sport. He was much more intimidating and larger than they could ever imagine. After watching him for so long on that screen.

Sanford and Deimos watched with light amusement. Possibly because everyone could easily tell that from the appearance: The thing they had found was an employer. Down to the black skin and bright lime green eyes, glowing with fear. They definitely had to be one. Deimos grinned widely as he made his way over, Crouching down to their eye level as the recorder blubbered their speech, Their words not coherently stringing together.

" You're awfully small for an employer, aren't ya? " He tilted his head to mock them, finding great pleasure in their sobbing. He wasn't wrong. The recorder was absurdly short compared to most things in Nevada and the employers were no expectation. All of them stood well over 6 ft while the recorder was only at a simple 5'5. He poked their cheek only to flinch back, black goo decorating his finger tip. He rubbed it in-between his thumb and index finger: squinting to get a better look before wiping it onto his clothes.

" Fucking nasty. " Deimos murmured, glaring daggers at the Recorder who only shrunk under his gaze as they whimpered out an apology.

" I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't kill me " they hiccupped, still squirming lightly in Hank's grip which only caused his grip to tighten. The blood rush to their head was starting to kick in, making it both easier to think but their thoughts equally blurry. The bullet wound was bleeding slightly more than before from the sudden rush of inundation build up around it hurt more.

" I'll do whatever you want! " they added on which seemed to catch the attention of all three.

" Anything? " Sanford repeated as his head tilted in their direction: He had been taking a moment to look through the drawers of folders in the back before the words caught his ears. The phrase was familiar... but a begging employer was such a rare sight. It was definitely welcomed though.

The Recorder nodded profusely, not bothering to think of reproductions. They just wanted to live. They needed to live was all their head screamed at them. No matter the cost: that's what they told themself as they heaved through tears.

" Well. For now... Why don't you take a nap? " Deimos responded. With that, Hank seemed to shift their weight, moving to hold them up by the collar and directly in his face. The Recorder's eyes went wide, Squirming more out of terror as for the first time: They were facing Hank J. Wimbleton face to face. They only melted more, Similar to that of an ice-cream you might have left in the sun: Starting to have more little black drops melt of them and onto the paper covered floor: ruining their progress. under his gaze. They couldn't see his eyes but they cold feel those cold, crazed eyes never leaving their face. He reeled his head back carefully and for a moment: The Recorder felt a wave of calm wash over them. Was he going to just... let them go? the thought was interrupted by Hank as he moved his head back with immense force, slamming it down into their forehead as all went black.

#A Love made of Delirium #yandere madness combat #madness combat oc #madness combat sona #cw yandere #yandere cw

7 notes · View notes

onabikaa · 2 years

Note

ohh my gosh so I just saw your American Psycho rb which reminded me that I actually finished the book on Monday and I wanted to tell you about it.

It took me a whopping 2 years to read that book. This was mainly because I got soo annoyed whenever Bateman would ALMOST ALWAYS list the brands of every item of clothing that each character was wearing when they entered any scene. Also the gore and violence (mostly brutally specific descriptions of how he killed and dismembered women) really got to me sometimes.

But otherwise what I found most interesting about the novel is how I think that we're not supposed to view Bateman as a character but rather as a concept. Bateman represents the physical 'ideals' of masculinity in the 80s (and perhaps, to some, today as well), but he was also a shining symbol of how those ideals can be corrupted and/or are only surface level.

I often had to view Bateman as a concept when the book got esp. rough. But it was fun (and painful ahaha) to view him as a character, so I also did that throughout most of the book.

You would think that, since he originated from such an interesting concept, Bateman would be an engaging character, right? Nope. This man is nothing outside of his popularity persona and hidden serial killer identity. The only thing that makes Bateman slightly interesting is how this utterly pathetic, unlikable, homophobic (not in the sense where he hates gay people. he's literally terrified of them and it's hilarious) and misogynistic wet sock of a man makes his way around his ridiculous life of doing nothing at his fancy CEO job, booking for fancy restaurants and brutally murdering mostly innocent victims he feels mildly insulted by. Oh, and most importantly, returning his fucking videotapes. I've had it with this man's videotapes, I swear.

So, well... it was an interesting but dreadful book. And the ending was kind of disappointing. But at least he was fucking broken by the end of it. I think that's what truly mattered. Ha.

Anyways this is really long, sorry. Feel free to just read this if you want. However I would love to know if you have also read the book or watched the movie (which I guess I have to watch now that I've finished the book). Have a great night/day Ona :)

First off, please know that i treasure your asks.

[rest under cut cuz it was already too long]

Second of all, relish the fact that Bateman would be seething and grinding his teeth at the fact that his “legacies” are being eyerolled at by Tumblrinas like high school girls in the hallway going “ugh🙄 here goes that dumb bitch again, thinking he’s sooooo special🙄🙄”. Not much better than his colleagues, who outright mishear or ignore him admitting to homicide—yknow, that moment of hollow and bitter self-recognition, when the people around him are portrayed as too vapid and self-absorbed to care about his confessions (most fascinating part about American Psycho if you ask me)*

Third, the only thing worthwhile i can say in regards to Bateman’s stupid gig is its final outcome and how it made me relearn something crucial in a new light: people around me are much too caught up in their own struggles and lives to actually catch onto any self-perceived flaw of mine. Hence, we should lighten up on how others may judge or measure our success (or lack thereof), all struggling to stand out.

.......that’s a very weird take on that, isn’t it? My brain makes very weird connections and i try to be positive overall, so it heavily affects how i perceive the environment around me and what ultimatum i take away from it.

Last of all, i have NEVER in my life watched the movie or read the book. Haha gotcha [no really. All my information regarding this movie is via gifs and secondhand ranting. Youre right everything about this franchise and how it treats women makes me verryyyyy uncomfortable and I wouldn’t wanna put myself through that and Patrick’s annoying ass LMAO thank god the bastard got his due in the end. but i still wanted to respond to your ask :-) ]

Love you, lee~

______

*actually i take it back. The most fascinating thing about American Psycho is the resulting ironic phenomenon affecting the viewer masses aka how the men who watched it try and emulate him (and the likes of Joker etc instead of like. Learning from their example. Pathetically missing the whole point😬)

#ona speaks #american psycho #long post

7 notes · View notes

symptoms-syndrome · 3 years

Text

Talking about younger folks in DID spaces

For some reason a big burst of people reblogging that post are minors claiming DID/OSDD, some of them as young as 14, and obviously I'm not going to be an ass to them and obviously I can't for sure say what anyone has/doesn't have but I'm gonna be real and say if someone is still an underclassman in HS or younger I'm not gonna believe they have DID/OSDD I'm just not. Sorry not sorry. That's still a child that barely has had time to figure out their own identity and is trying to find a clinical reason they feel the way they do when the clinical reason is that they're a developing child.

Back when I was in a System Server™ there were occasionally youth not that young but still pretty young who came in and sometimes it felt like. I'm not going to pass judgement on you in any way that matters and I'm going to keep it to myself but do you know people are complex.

And not to be some grumpy old person or whatever but I do think that the internet has in some way impacted this. I think that in a lot of places in the internet people are expected to fit themselves into neat little boxes and everything has a place and everything that doesn't belong in that place goes some other place, and then people (esp young people, esp esp young people who are and have over the past two years lost out on a lot of chances to meet and interact wholly with real, whole people) see these little cardboard cutout personas people put out online and think that's how everyone is, and then see that they themselves do not fit neatly into one cardboard cutout and assume the worst.

Like, IDK this is a stupid example but if someone runs like, a academia aesthetic study blog then it would be weird for them to also post their favorite Dropkick Murphy's song onto the blog, or their favorite recipe for fried salami. And they might want to answer asks in a way that's more formal because of the blog theme. But that doesn't mean the person behind the screen can't like dark libraries AND Irish rock AND fried salami AND maybe dress up in pastels. But the internet kinda wants people to fit into these cute little cohesive windows into someone's life. And I feel that must be even more true for places like Twitter where things are more connected to like, you as a person rather than being anonymous. But meeting people in real life, you'll meet people who aren't cohesive. We're all, everyone, patchwork quilts of our varied experiences and the people we've met and the places we've been and no one's patchwork quilt is all one color or pattern. And I think I worry for a lot of the young young young people online (TBH I worry about them being so online at all in general, but y'know) who are investing so much time and effort into neatly labeling every part or perceived part of self, updating with who's fronting all the time, etc etc etc because I feel like for those who don't have a dissociative disorder (which, statistically has to be most of them) they're denying to themselves and leading their friends away from the realization that people can be disjointed and not fully cohesive and consistent. Rather than coming to terms with the fact that someone can like punk rock and have their favorite color be baby blue, they're keeping those experiences separate and insisting that must be two separate identities. And I don't know what that's going to do long term, but it probably isn't great.

Not to mention that that combined with the weird. Stranger danger-esque avoidance of any adults ever means that this is just 15 year olds comparing themselves to other 15 year olds to judge themselves in whether they fit the idea of normal development expected of a 25 year old.

(the stranger danger thing does confuse and worry me esp as someone who works with youth, the weird turnaround from my youth where 15 year olds share all their personal information online combined with "literally anyone over the age of 18 who tries to in any way interact with or talk to or exist in the same space as someone 17- is automatically assumed the worst of" seems like a recipe for disaster. Healthy intergenerational relationships can be so important and helpful, esp for youth who don't have good relationships with parents. I could write a whole post about this alone, and how healthy relationships with adults are necessary to help young people recognize unhealthy expectations from dangerous adults but also this is long enough already.

44 notes · View notes

themoonsbeloved · 4 years

Note

Regarding fandom reception and stan-ing (coming from a Vil and Leona stan), I've no idea how one can like Vil and, at the very least, not understand Leona when their conflicts literally mirror (hehe mirror) each other

Both come from a place of privilege, influence, wealth and power

Both wanted to cheat the system by targeting their rivals and eliminating them

Both wanted to actively physically harm their rivals

Both wanted to achieve the outcome of being the best in everyone’s eyes

Both were perceived to be the “villain” (to put it loosely, contextually its slightly different) during their upbringing

Both, whether consciously or not, internalised that villain persona that people around them initially placed on them, which is something they relied on eventually and probably to further suppress anxiety and trauma around these experiences.

Both projected their grief and insecurities on those who were not directly responsible for their experiences and issues.

It’s just that, people find Vil’s character personality to be more appealing because negative racial stereotypes are not attached to him (the aggressive, lazy dark skinned man vs the hard working White man) and I think implicit (at times explicit) racial bias is definitely, absolutely a core factor in the way people treat these two.

Cause lets be real if Leona was White then you BET, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT people would be more lenient with his actions and find ways to prove his innocence, jump through hoops to explain why his actions were actually not that bad (as they do for some folk *cough* Rook and Vil *cough*), but just the existence of racial stereotypes which have already historically dehumanised and viliainised people who look like Leona gives people more incentive to act so boldly racist and hate Leona more. It’s actually not even funny anymore because the amount of people who hate leona but LOVE Vil is uncanny, and often none of these people are Black and/or POC.

In my honest opinion, one was too swept with having higher moral ground and superiority, valuing hard work and effort as an achievement of “true beauty”, while in the end completely disconnecting from that value and contradicting their words by cheating, forcing and manipulating/abusing a minor to help them achieve this. The other wanted to reclaim superiority due to being considered and treated as inferior by those around him, and to do that was to cheat as well, again because insecurity of being the second born outcast. Again, despite Ruggie and others being willing, still manipulating and abusing a minor to help him carry it out.

At the same time Leona’s story was so badly written, no redeeming qualities were provided or even implied in the story regarding him, underwhelming, and the fact that Yana decided it was a good choice to make a Black coded character with these racially stereotypical qualities with a story like THAT? Only exacerbates people’s negative attitudes and feelings towards his character and his story and so there’s a higher likelihood of overriding any of the aspects of his personality which deviates from these stereotypes (e.g., his hate for physical fights and valuing intelligence and intellect is completely left out because his character portrays aggressiveness and hostility towards people).

I don’t have a problem if people don’t like Leona for personal reasons, such as personal experiences with people who acted like Leona, I get it and nor do I force people to like him. I myself don’t like Vil as a person of colour who does not find any appeal or resonation with a White character enforcing typically White and Eurocentric beauty standards and ideals onto others. But the double standards between the treatment of Leona vs Vil (and even ROOK of all people omg) is so overwhelmingly blatant and I think its worth noting, since this isn’t a new or rare thing to happen in fandoms where dark skinned characters are demonised for the exact same actions as the white characters.

#twisted wonderland #Anonymous

50 notes · View notes

howelljenkins · 4 years

Note

oh btw if u have any thoughts on like. i suppose small celebs but even like “popular” blogs on tumblr being treated as just channels for people to throw their thoughts at rather than people to engage with, id love to hear!! it’s a weird niche thing i’ve been thinking about a lot but i have no idea how to articulate it and i like how u word things

omg i was literally thinking about this yesterday and mourning all the people who were genuinely interesting and funny and got bogged down by the flood that comes with notoriety where you’re forced to become a one dimensional caricature of yourself. i had typed out a bunch of stuff but it turned into a big block that was hard to understand so like here are my initial thoughts broken into categories and this is not even close to scratching the surface of what i think but. here it is

1. the sheer amount of attention they get. i just know it’s exhausting to even think about posting something. it gets to the point to where every single post comes with the added burden of having to think about every possible response to the post because it’s inevitable that it’ll be taken the wrong way or twisted or misunderstood and you have to decide if it’s even worth it. there’s no way to continue facilitating small discussions at a certain point because you’re bound to have antagonistic viewers or ppl who don’t genuinely want to talk to you and just exist to derail everything so at that point they have to just become like. the most pared down version of themselves possible and be too exhausted to post anything outside of what their audience happily consumes because they can’t deal with the flood that it comes with.

2. the inbox thing!! people do not have boundaries and tend to remove the humanity away from the influencer/blogger (dms and those ask functions on insta stories in terms of influencers in place of asks). like you don’t really view them as a person any more. one thing i’ve noticed on here is a lot of people use popular users’s inboxes as a way to filter their own content and find out what’s “good” or use it as a way to get their own joke/headcanon/whatever into circulation because they don’t get notes. this isn’t when bloggers are talking about something and ppl continue the conversation in asks but like getting asks out of the blue that are literally obviously a tumblr post draft that someone wants to get your approval of is weird and it makes the blogger feel removed from their own sense of humanity as well because they realize they’re sort of being immortalized or turned into a landmark.

3. also continuing on the askbox thing. with both this point and the point i made previously i find myself constantly having to reiterate my boundaries and remind ppl of what is and isnt appropriate to send in an askbox and it is so hard to do without being branded as mean or bitchy. I just remembered I made a post about it here but basically what i said is a lot of ppl use popular bloggers as a stand in therapist or diary and trauma dump while simultaneously guilt tripping ppl into replying. u can read the post i linked for like more thoughts about that.

4. constantly being watched!! i alr kind of said this but being constantly watched is so overwhelming and kind of trapping in a way, especially with the knowledge that people are looking for any reason to start an argument with you or throw accusations at you.

5. they can get to the point if they’re not careful where their own self image is so warped by it that they buy into the idea that they are like this prominent famous figure. which they might be like thats cool if you are! but you’ve already lost your humanity in the public’s eye and you start to lose your own humanity and morph yourself into the caricature you’ve been presenting because why wouldn’t you! i’ve seen it happen to ppl who gain a little instagram notoriety where they begin to view themselves as a provider or better than others and enter the mindset where people are lucky to be around them and it genuinely deteriorates their ability to keep meaningful relationships bc they lose the ability to separate their persona

ok this was very messy and very surface level and so scattered i wish i had the time to flesh everything out lol but like those r some of the things that came to mind

tl;dr popularity and notoriety strip people of their perceived humanity, exhaust them into becoming caricatures of their former selves, and remove their access to creative outlets or past hobbies because they are constantly being watched and lifted onto a pedestal they never asked to be on

#anonymous #answered #long post #kind of #bsi

19 notes · View notes

actualbird · 4 years

Text

nobody asked but pat gill is so fucking hot to me and im going to tell you why im attracted to him | a 2.3k word long post where i hold you, dear reader, hostage

[SCENE: You, the reader, are tied to a wooden chair in an empty room with nothing but a small table and a projector. You pull at the ropes that tie your hands together behind your back, but then the door opens and I stroll in. I am dressed in a full black suit and am also wearing shutter shades. I am also holding a powerpoint clicker. The fancy ones with a laser pointer in them. You shudder in contempt for you know that you are about to witness a horrible lecture.]

Hello, reader. I know you know why I’ve brought you here. I’m here to discuss something very important to you. Don’t look at me like that, it is important, I swear. I am here to tell you why I find Pat Gill hot.

[I switch on the projector. My presentation slides flash to life on the wall. Behind your back, you locate the feel around the knots tying your hands.]

This is not a presentation where I will convince you that Pat Gill is hot. No, I wouldn’t prescribe my tastes onto anybody, that’s not nice. What I will do is explain in horrid, vivid detail why I myself find Pat Gill hot.

Like everything I do, I cannot dive in without first setting up some kind of framework or system of analysis. What I am trying to explain is how I find another person attractive, and that has thus pushed me to make the AHG Criteria, a criteria made up of the three principal characteristics of a human which makes me attracted to them and is also, coincidentally, the sound I make when I see images of Pat Gill.

The AHG Criteria refers to the following:

Appearance: the most shallow but noticeable of characteristics. Here, I will explain just what it is about Pat Gill’s perceivable flesh prison that gets me so upset in an attracted manner.

Humor: I love a funny human and humor theory is one of my side interests. Here, I will dissect two specific instances of Pat Gill’s humor, bringing in references and related literature, in an effort to explain why his sense of humor is stellar.

Good at presenting things: I am very attracted to competence, but one skill I hold in very high regard is the skill of explaining and conveying information. Here, I will analyse Pat Gill as a communicator.

So let’s jump right into it.

Pat Gill’s Appearance is, frankly, an anomaly to me. This is not to say that anything about his appearance is strange, but that, quite honestly, as handsome as he is, he’s basic. He is white, he is tall, he is thin, he has black hair and a slight beard (though currently he is sporting more of a moustache, which I’m still into). At first glance, one wouldn’t pay him much attention. I sure didn’t, until I watched more and more videos of him. I sure didn’t, until I realized.

His Appearance is basic, but his vibes, which I am including in the criteria of Appearance, bring his Appearance to life. Pat Gill looks a little unapproachable, with his resting sad face; but, when he smiles, he is so shameless and happy. Pat Gill looks like somebody you’d see leaning on a wall outside a bar, looking up at the sky, and you wonder just what he’s thinking about---wonder if you could get lost in his thoughts. Pat Gill looks like somebody friendly--- once his resting sad face gives way---somebody who would help you pick up your stuff when you bump into him and the contents of your bag spill out. Pat Gill looks like somebody who would use his goddamn turn signal. Pat Gill looks like somebody who would pet many dogs, as many dogs as he physically could. Pat Gill looks---

[As I prattle on, your fingers explore the knots behind your back. In your mind, you are mapping out the knot’s shape and orientation, thinking about how to undo them. When you tune back into my voice, the slide on the projector has changed and I have shifted topics.]

Let’s move onto the next criteria. Humor.

Paul McGhee in his book Humor: Its Origins and Development brings up Göran Nerhardt to define humor as “[...] a consequence of the discrepancy between two mental representations, one of which is an expectation and the other is some idea or percept” (McGhee 14). Nerhardt’s definition of humor is one that relies on incongruity: wherein there is an element that is not in accordance with the other elements. An incongruous element is one that is not the expectation, and in this subversion of expectation, humor is achieved. What is funny in a humorous situation, is then, what is unexpected to a certain degree. Humor, and the reaction to it, is due to the recognition of the incongruous.

Despite this incongruity, there is still an internal logic to anything humorous. This internal logic is different for each humorous situation, and consists of everything within the situation; the set-up, punchline, characters, etc. It is this internal logic that allows for jokes to “make sense.” It is that internal logic that helps us get from one element to the incongruous element, realize their relationship, and thus find the whole thing funny.

Incongruity and internal logic are one of the many characteristics of humor, and they are the ones I will be focusing on. With those definitions in place, let’s talk about what you’re here for: Pat Gill.

Pat Gill is a funny guy. If I tried to analyse every single instance he was funny, I would never shut up. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

[You shake your head no. God, no.]

Right, so I’ll just be focusing on two instances of his humor that stuck out to me (originally, I wanted to discuss three, but then I saw that the length of this post was getting kilometric, so I cut it down to the essentials), these of which I think is a good marker for the kind of sense of humor he has.

The first one is my absolute favorite tweet of his:

This tweet is, at first glance, a lot. Pat Gill doesn’t wait for the punchline to be incongruous, he throws incongruity straight at our faces with the opening line, and one may think that that’s a bad move. Not necessarily. It’s just a ballsy one. It’s a move that doesn’t spoonfeed the audience with the internal logic, you have to work for it. As you read through the tweet, the internal logic starts to come through the incongruity. The literal dramatic situation of the tweet is a persona talking about the good state their nemesis is in. The language of the tweet keys us in to the kind of Medieval vibe, like a scheming duke in the hallways of a castle. The punchline comes after the last comma. The monolog of the nemesis’ good fortune will be interrupted by the persona’s attack on their life.

This tweet is an example of the bedrock of many of his jokes. He doesn’t give a damn if he makes sense or not. He will throw you into the deep end of the joke and it is up to you to tread the water. However, if you do manage to keep afloat, his internal logic will bring you to the punchline and, thus, satisfaction.

[Your fingers have been working on the knots steadily as I speak. You try your best not to react as you start to feel something give way, and you keep working quietly.]

The second instance of humor I want to discuss is the Solid Snake Skincare Routine dialog he wrote and performed with Brian in episode 8 of Gill and Gilbert. The full transcript is as follows:

Pat (as Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid): Colonel, how do I know which moisturizer to buy, and how do I know it’ll match my skin type?

Brian (as Colonel from Metal Gear Solid): Unfortunately Snake, there’s no way to tell for sure. Certain retailers will offer samples, but in most cases, it’s up to you to purchase a product and try it out.

Pat: Sounds expensive.

Brian: It is, Snake. And the cost disproportionately affects women.

Pat: Women?

Brian: Societal norms in the west dictate that a woman’s value is tied to their appearance, and the thing every woman has…

Pat: Skin!

Brian: Right.

Pat: So, we expect women to attain a higher---So, we expect women---women, to attain perfect skin, and we also expect them to pay for it?

Brian: All while paying them less for doing the same jobs as men.

Pat: So Colonel, that means…

Brian: Yes, Snake. It is imperative that you give your money to women.

Pat: Right.

Like the tweet discussed before, Pat Gill shoves incongruity in your face immediately. Solid Snake, super cool spy dude (?? I don’t fuckin know anything about video games) talking about skincare. He expects you to keep up, and if you do, you are rewarded by a surreal yet lovely conversation between Snake and Colonel talking about the intricacies of skincare, but then things get really interesting. The topic shifts to the societal expectations of beauty and how it ties into womens’ experiences. This isn’t a grand woke moment or anything, but it is a surprising shift in subject that is perfectly in tune with the internal logic of the conversation. The punchline is amazing, giving all your money to women, yet it is also written in a way that does not imply that women are the butt of the joke. The butt of the joke here is the surreal vibe of the conversation as a whole.

This dialog builds upon the bedrock of Pat Gill’s humor: he isn’t afraid to go places. This is something that is apparent in many of the Unraveleds that he writes (Dark Souls Bosses is a very good example), he brings in real issues, makes the jokes funny, but never treats the marginalized or the victims of these issues as the butt of the joke. In Susan Purdie’s book The Mastery of Discourse, she remarks that to joke about a certain topic, to make something the “butt of the joke” can degrade this topic and bring it down lower, in the process shifting the power to the joker instead (Purdie 59). Pat Gill is aware of that power dynamic and never jokes at the expense of those who are struggling. He instead makes us laugh at characters, at situations, at surreality.

[The knots tying your hands are almost undone. You just need to bide your time. You’re so close to escaping from this thirsty pseudo intellectual motherfucker]

The last criteria I need to discuss with you is GreatAtPresentingThings.

Pat Gill has done a lot of presenting. For this, I will be analyzing just one of the many videos where Pat Presents Things, my favorite among his “X is Y because of Z” videos, “Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the exact same thing.”

I’ve talked about this video in a previous long post analysis about Pat Gill, but let me talk about it again. Pat Gill, on camera, brings up an absolutely bonkers fucking thesis: that the horrible monsters in Bloodborne are similar to the Muppets because of how they use character design.

Pat Gill, as a presenter, is very lovely to listen to. The cadence of his voice is not only extremely relaxing and makes me feel like a tranquilized zoo animal that Pat is talking to very gently about video games, but his voice is also very easy to follow. There are many voices on the internet, and I have a bunch of sensory issues, so a lot of the time, even when I want to listen to somebody, I just can’t because of how their voice grates at my ears. Pat Gill’s voice is not that. It is of a good speed and good vibe that not only puts me at ease but makes me want to listen.

Pat Gill uses gestures. This is most apparent in this video, where he does that cute thing when he says Shape, Movement, and Texture. Here are screenshots of it because it’s so fucking cute, what the fuck.

I know, I know, what do gestures have to do with presenting things? Well, if you told me “shape, movement, texture”, six minutes later, I wouldn’t fucking remember any of those. But with these gestures, those words do stick. When words stick, the explanations behind those words stick as well. When words and explanations stick in your mind, congratulations dude, you just learned something! Pat Gill when talking, and whether it is scripted like this or unintentional like a random gesticulation, the movement catches my attention and I become a more rapt listener.

Honestly, I could go on and on about Pat as a communicator and---

[Before I can speak, you bolt upwards from your chair, finally having gotten the ropes loose. Quickly, powerfully, you grab the projector from the table and smash it over my head. I stumble and fall to the ground, and you look down at me as your chest heaves.

As I slowly lose consciousness, you hear me say, softly, but with so much fervor:

“Pat…..Gill…..hot.”]

Thanks for reading!

(Read my other unhinged analysis essays at actualbird.tumblr.com/tagged/nobody-asked-but. If you have a suggestion for an unhinged analysis essay I can write, send me an ask!)

References:

McGhee, Paul E. Humor: Its Origin and Development, W.H. Freeman and Company, 1979, pp. 1-41.

Purdie, Susan. The Mastery of Discourse. Harvester Wheatsheaf. 1993.

#polygon #pat gill #patrick gill #pat gill thirst jail #nobody asked but

127 notes · View notes

topaziraphale · 4 years

Note

the same people who hc aziraphale as being weak/not being a warrior are the same people who LOVE crowley being this super suave tempter. hello, the whole POINT of good omens is that they are neither of what they are expected to be. aziraphale rejects his role as a warrior, but that does not mean he is weak. crowley's job is to be a this suave, amazing tempter, but meanwhile he's just Anxious. aziraphale is Strong and crowley is a tempter, its just not in the way their sides want them to be.

I think a big part that plays into the charm of these two main characters is exactly that - at first, you have certain ideas for how an angel and demon character might act, especially with how they’re normally depicted in pop culture and stuff, but then you quickly learn that they’re just not quite what you’re expecting. Aziraphale and Crowley both subvert the audience’s expectations of them as well as what is expected of them by the other characters - in this case, Heaven and Hell respectively.

This actually ended up being way longer of an answer than I thought it would, so I’m putting the rest of it under a cut. For those that don’t feel like reading it all and just want a summary:

I basically talk about how Crowley puts up an element of coolness and style in what he does as a demon except for when it comes to direct temptations, and then I offer a little mini-dive into his psyche and how there’s a lot of vulnerability underneath his Cool And Definitely Not-Nice persona. Then I talk about how Aziraphale is in fact a soldier of Heaven, one who is capable of being a warrior, and how him not wanting to fight in the war is not a display of weakness, but rather one of great strength.

Also, all of the quotes I use here are from memory, so there’s a chance some of them aren’t exact.

When Crowley does his job, he does it with elements of coolness and style to it. (Note: What he perceives as cool, because some of the stuff he finds cool is actually kinda dorky. In a lovable way, of course.) But that’s for when he has his next big idea on how to generate petty low-grade evil. It’s how we end up with him cutting off a phone network by infesting a building with rats and using the guise of a technician to waltz in there and pour coffee into a cable-box-thingy, rather than him just snapping his fingers and making the networks go down that way. The ladder method is boring and not very cool.

But you’ll notice he doesn’t approach direct temptations the same way. I can see where one might think he puts as much effort into being cool and suave when it comes to making temptations, due to the way he presents himself, but honestly, all he really does is just make you see something in a different light. He just, talks. Talks and makes really good points.

“What about diabolical plans? You’re supposed to thwart the wiles of the wicked one at every turn, aren’t you? You can’t be certain that thwarting me isn’t part of the Divine Plan?”

“If there was no boy, then the process would stop. There’s a boy now, but that could change. Something could happen to him. I’m saying you could kill him. One life, for everything else.”

There’s no suave element in the way he does it, not much finesse. No extra fluff. He’s just saying what needs to be said, to make sure his idea is getting across. And it’s also fun to note that these acts of temptation are for Aziraphale - in fact, I don’t think we see him tempt humans at all after Eve. He’d rather set up elaborate schemes to ruin peoples’ days over actively participate in an act that could directly damn their souls.

Sometimes, you have to wonder why he goes through so much effort to be this way when he knows that he’ll get in trouble for not doing his job...

Crowley puts up a front that he’s confident and content with what he is and the job he has to do. He always tries to play the act of a cool, stylish, perfect demon that is mean and evil and most definitely not a nice person. But we can see that underneath it all, he never meant to fall, and he’s still upset about it. He still doesn’t understand why it happened for what he did, and he knows he never will. He doesn’t like that the answer for it all is always chalked up to: It’s part of the Great Plan. We see him project the wrath of God onto his houseplants. We see him directly call out the nature of the Plan more than once, in the show.

I’ll even argue that he’s somewhat projecting onto Adam and Eve when he talks about how God punished them in the garden, when he first speaks to Aziraphale: “Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offense, and everything.”

Aziraphale, being an angel, is clearly part of the army of Heaven and is expected in battle. We even get reminded of this by the many times people ask him where the flaming sword is, and by Gabriel telling him he’s a mean, lean, fighting-machine. And once more when the Quartermaster informs him that his platoon is waiting for him - they wouldn’t be waiting for him if he wasn’t their lieutenant. The script book even implies his strength and power. To paraphrase the line:

“He’s not threatening him (Crowley) with it (the flaming sword), just reminding him that he can do dangerous and very out-of-character things if he needs to.”

And in the novel itself, it’s implied that after all this time, Aziraphale still has what it takes to fight if he absolutely must, when he picks up the sword in preparation to fight off Satan himself.

“Once you’ve learned how to do it, you never forget.”

There’s no reason to think he doesn’t easily have the ability to be a warrior. And not only a warrior, but a strong one, at that.

Here’s the thing with Aziraphale: he doesn’t want to participate in this fight. He thinks it’s wrong, but he can’t admit it to himself, he can’t just outright say it. He jumps through plenty of mental hoops to try and find reason in the fact that Heaven wants Armageddon to happen.- he thinks his people might just be misguided, their intentions are good, sure, but he wants to show them that this way is better, that there doesn’t need to be another war, that they can save everyone. The beings of Heaven are always Good, right? For him to fully admit that what he thinks they’re doing is wrong is to also admit the flaws of his own angelic nature, that he’s just as capable of wrong, and that’s a terrifying thought. Look at how desperately he wants it all to work out:

But when push came to shove, and the entire world was at stake, and Heaven was all for it to happen despite Aziraphale’s efforts to show them otherwise, he had enough. He chose to not go back to Heaven to fight in the war. He chose to try and save the world, despite his actions being perceived as going directly against the Great Plan. In the series, he literally puts his foot down, looks the Quartermaster in the eye, and tells him: “I have no intention of fighting in any war. I was in the middle of something important, I demand to be returned!” And when nobody was helping him, he went and figured out how to get back himself. He finally had the strength to choose for himself what he thought was right over what was wrong.

I get confused and, even sometimes think to myself, Did we watch the same show?, when I see people interpret Aziraphale’s reluctance to fight as a sign of weakness or passiveness. That very decision he makes, after millennia of not daring to defy his superiors like that, took a lot of courage. It’s quite literally the heart of his character arc.

#good omens #aziraphale #crowley #derpy answers #good omens meta #i have no idea how i ended up ranting but here we are lol #you definitely got more than you bargained for when sending this ask anon im sorry skdjfskdjghs #derpy analyses

20 notes · View notes

funkymbtifiction · 4 years

Text

I wanted to ask two things to you as a fellow ENFP: how do you think your inferior Si manifests in you and how do you deal with Ne sometimes being overwhelming with so many ideas, only to end up not following any, for the very reason of feeling overwhelmed and kind of stuck?

My inferior Si manifests as having absolutely no idea how to get ahead in the real world in the terms of “… do what other people have done.” I feel powerless and like I must reinvent the wheel or do something unique and creative instead of the “boring slow route.” It means finishing something and moving quickly on rather than taking the time to establish it in any tangible way. I have a hard time keeping track of detailed information; I can learn bits and pieces of random info that interested me at the time and hold onto the vague essentials of it, but I cannot quote text books about it like a lot of STJ friends can. Probably the most fun, I have no tangible way to track myself or how I used to be or measure how far I have come or produce evidence for certain things, so I wandered around forever looking for my MBTI type and my Enneagram fixes because my Ne believed whatever it stuck to and can be easily influenced.

Ne-wise, I just go with the flow most of the time. Ideas come, they go. I keep and act on the good ones, or I act on one I think will be good, feel out whether it will hold my interest, and abandon it if it does not. If I’m overwhelmed with ideas for a book, say, I will write them down to see if any of them are good enough to keep the plot going or in some way bring in my Te to organize them, narrow them down, see how they fit together, and then proceed with the better ones, but it’s mostly “going with the flow.” Usually if I’m stuck it means I have too much going on in my head – getting it out on paper or talking out loud usually helps.

Back in high school, I may have been one of the “mean girls”, but I would always make sure to feel unique in comparison to my so-called friends. I would put up with sustaining fake friendships in order to appear on top of the school social hierarchy because I wanted to feel powerful (at least in my bored with life, sixteen-year-old-self head), but my best friend would never put aside her own principles and fake a friendship with somebody she doesn’t like only for convenience sake.

In regards to my enneagram, I came to the conclusion I am, yes, a 4w3. I really thought about all of what you told me and started reading all about the type 3 I could, but 4 feels much more the true, ugly me, while 3 sounds more like my social persona. You know, when I first discovered the Enneagram, I instantly though of myself as 3w4-7w8-8w7. Pretty cool, I thought. But you are right, Enneagram is there to make us see the ugly truth about our personalities, and soon I found out, deep down, I am much more a 4 than a 3 (which is how I desperately wanted to present myself, akin to the ESTJ facade) and that I have a (very counter-phobic) 6 fix, not 7. However, after what you told me, I started reading about the type 9 for my last fix, as you once said the last one is some kind of last resort, and I am much more, let’s say, catatonic, when things start to crumble inside of me. Which maybe be just my 3 wing disintegrating, I don’t know. But I did feel really dragged reading about the ugly aspects of being a 9, and now I am almost sure it is my last fix. Therefore, I think my tritype may be 4w3-6w7-9w8. What do you think?

TBH, neither would I fake anything, ever. I literally cannot do it. I cannot stand fakers / being inauthentic and my fix isn’t even 4. (I’m either a 693 due to my lack of sense of self / The Bermuda Triangle, or a 692 goody-goody, although the nickname Stockholm Syndrome makes me laugh and cringe.) (Tho you could be soc-first. I’m sp-first so appearing powerful doesn’t matter to me as much. Wanting social acceptance is very soc-dom.)

If interested in learning and self-torturing, you can listen to the podcast that discusses the negative aspects of the tritypes here. (They haven’t gotten to the 1 fixers yet, but have done the 9s and 8s.) The 469 is Whiny Tears. ;)

I can tell you how my own 9 manifests, because I have seen it in constant use the last two weeks. I had several things I needed to do but no clear deadline, and I did not really want to do them because it was tedious and might not be pleasant, so you would be amazed at how many menial tasks I suddenly found far more important to do than those three tasks. I cleaned the entire house, I re-organized my CD collection, etc., all to avoid doing things that, in the end, took me 5 hours total to finish doing. I spent two weeks avoiding them, and I could have been done with it in a few hours and moved on with my life. This is an example of the slothful behavior of the 9 fix – avoiding of doing anything that seems unpleasant through self-distracting behaviors but that make the 9 feel safe and peaceful. But doing this only exacerbates the anxiety, because not only is the thing you are dreading still not done (and will have to be), you are wasting time avoiding it.

This has been a pattern my whole life – an inert inner laziness when it comes to tackling things that are hard, boring, or unpleasant, of avoidance, distraction, and mounting anxiety as a result. It effing sucks to have a 9 fix, just like the pathological need for perfection makes it suck to have a 1 fix, and the militant need to control everyone all the time makes it suck to have an 8 fix.

You still don’t seem to understand the Enneagram in context with your actual behavior nor do you grasp what it means to be a 4. A 4 doesn’t present a facade to get accepted or make people like them; a 4 finds all facades unbearably fake and is constantly thwarted by, obsessed with, and makes a big deal out of, their perceived brokenness and separateness. A 4-core I know says it’s like rejecting every single thing you encounter as “not me” and then having to pull something out of yourself, devoid of anybody else, that “is you.” Essentially, painting yourself into a corner and removing all your options. The 4 is eaten up with misery inside at how easily other people seem to do things, and have things, and be pleased with themselves and life and make friends, all the while ensuring they do not and cannot ever get those things, out of their militant need to be true and ugly to themselves. Their sin is covetousness – being simultaneously envious about how others are so easily pleased and carefully constructing an image of “Oh well, they are Lowbrow and Boring and Less Cultured than me” that is pure snob. It isn’t glamorous, and it IS fake, but the 4 would have a panic attack / meltdown at the idea that they are BEING fake by constructing an elitist attitude of what is and what is not “me.”

To find your tritype, first you need to cope with the ugly aspects of your core and admit to and find evidence of how they have sabotaged your life in crucial ways (1s - trying to be perfect drives everyone else and themselves insane FOR NO REASON; 2s - constantly thinking they need to meet everyone else’s needs means they are out of touch with their own wants; 3s - constantly thinking ‘I must achieve or be what others admire’ means they are afraid that without success, they are inwardly empty; 4s - sabotage their relationships by pushing everyone and everything out of their life / being self-absorbed; 5s - constantly standing on the sidelines means they have accomplished nothing much; 6s - all the unnecessary self-doubt and questioning holds them back from doing things; 7s - all the avoidance of boredom and stagnation has made them shallow and unable to face hard things; 8s - the militant defensive posture and aggression has made them out of touch with their sensitive feelings; 9s - being unable and unwilling to rock the boat has made them a doormat). There’s the brutal truth of each type.

If you are a 4, you should have ample evidence of how you self-sabotage and how it has ruined your relationships in some way. But if you are an inferior Si, you won’t remember these as much so - keep a journal, track your thoughts, write down how you are fake or presenting yourself in a way that isn’t true to yourself, what you are worried about over the course of the day, etc., and after a month or so, compare them to the coping mechanisms for each type. You may find out you are a different type (... 6 with a 3 fix, IMO).

- ENFP Mod

#question #mbti #enneagram #enneagram 4 #submission

26 notes · View notes

spamzineglasgow · 5 years

Text

(SPAM Cuts) Jazmin Bean’s Instagram

In this SPAM Cut, Audrey Lindemann looks at the aesthetics of Jazmin Bean’s Instagram through the lens of the Gurlesque, the monstrous and theories of punk and performativity.

> The instagram of Jazmin Bean luxuriates violently inside the horny nightmares of hegemony. The musician and artist is a self-identified ‘genderless monster’ — a descriptor which became fodder for numerous clickbait campaigns all throughout 2019. Jeffrey Cohen’s ‘Monster Culture (Seven Theses)’ would have us realise that, in fact, the monster is deeply dependent on their ability to be clickbait; Cohen notes the etymology of Zeitgeist (Time Ghost) to illustrate how ‘the monstrous body is pure culture,’ embodying (literally, becoming the mutated corporeal dumping ground for) the collective anxieties of a specific moment.

> To the tune of Lara Glenum’s Gurlesque theory, Jazmin Bean makes literal the violence implicit in cuteness. From Ngai’s The Cuteness of the Avant-Garde: ‘in its exaggerated passivity and vulnerability, the cute object is often intended to excite a consumer’s sadistic desires for mastery and control as much as his or her desire to cuddle.’ On Bean’s insta, these tensions manifest in collisions between gore and camp— Jazmin wears a babydoll dress stained with blood and carries a pink gun, the caption reads ‘I went 2 pixie war 4 chu !!’; Jazmin cradles a tiny cyclops puppy in a chintzy nun costume, the caption reads ‘I can bear the heartbreak to nurture a one day lasting life 🍼★ミ.’ These contradictions (the adorable soldier, the childlike parent) coincide with Glenum’s notion of little ‘girl’ aesthetics as embodying not the innocence of pre-adolescence, but the abjection of complete subordination. Adorable, bloody, sexualized bodies present a crisis of what Cohen calls ‘simultaneous repulsion and attraction’ that follow the Gurlesque dictum to make ‘the spectator complicit in their crisis.’

> Where Gurlesque aesthetics ruminate in the abject language of little girls as a hypergendered refusal of masculine ‘high art,’ Bean further terrorises the establishment through the self-identification ‘genderless,’ stirring up a desperate traditionalist cling to the gender binary. Kitsch costuming— i.e. the burlesque, which is ‘always about the body on display’ via its gendered surface— is paired with digitally manipulated images of their semi-naked body— i.e thegrotesque, which ‘engages the body as a biological organism’ (Glenum). Through these altered nudes, Bean becomes ambiguously neutral in both age and gender. Certain comments ask ‘what are you???’ or call them ‘sick’ ; to hegemony Bean represents the slippery slope, the extremes, of perceived cultural shifts. Their ambiguity thus becomes monstrosity through its confused reception on the internet— monsters are terrifying inasmuch as their ‘externally incoherent bodies resist attempts to include them in any systematic structuration.’ And, according to Cohen, it is precisely this wallowing in différance that grants the monster’s polymorphous ability to ‘escape’ every time, shapeshifting in tandem with the perpetual reincarnation of Culture’s Worst Nightmare: ‘no monster tastes of death but once.’

> Bean’s curated persona physically manifests these fears through identity doubling, an insult to hegemonic notions of selfhood as not only gendered but singular, self-contained. The perceived contemporaneity (they was the Merriam-Webster 2019 word of the year) of these identity transgressions are mocked through flippant post-Internet energy— Bean holding their own head with the caption ‘#tbt to the time I killed myself lol 💗’ or multiple Jazmin Beans in their bedroom with the caption ‘Watching myself have nightmares lol.’

> Bean straddles a Butler-ian understanding of performativity and a Zoomer drive for authenticity— making content from their IRL persona, refusing to reveal their ‘real’ age to interviewers— in keeping with Cohen’s notion of the monster as ‘an alter ego, [an] alluring projection of (an Other) self.’ Like their riot grrrl and Gurlesque predecessors, Bean offends elitist conceptions of artistic labor, this time #online. Self-publication, instapoetry, memes/imagetext, curated persona… all of these constitute an absurdist ‘e-punk’ rejection of established, vertically oriented, pay-to-enter art platforms. A comment on one of Jazmine Bean’s posts accuses them of ‘smashing random samples together’ which is ‘not music, just like how throwing up on a canvas should not be considered art.’ The comment describes Bean’s account as ‘putting shit on [their] face and pretending its edgy,’ a rewording of Daniel Tiffany’s facetious description of kitsch as a ‘Luciferan swerve from cosmos to cosmetics.’

> These critiques on Bean’s process reflect a discourse on punk as old as the art and music ‘industry’ itself, yet internet platforms provide an even more direct channel than anti-establishment mediums of old (cobbled together zines, analog collage, underground scream shows, etc). Dick Hebdige on punk, from Subculture: The Meaning of Style: ‘the definitive statement of punk’s do-it-yourself philosophy… “here’s one chord, here’s two more, now form your own band.:”’ This do-it-yourself philosophy is a grave insult to the aspirational bourgeois conception of art-as-canon and artist-as-career-genius. If the labour that goes into Jazmin Bean’s Instagram is art, what next? What about ‘serious’ artists🥺? Again the monster reveals a cultural crisis, the added horror of the post-internet artistic platform. Re: Cohen, the monster is a double narrative composed of 1) how the monster came to be and 2) their cultural use. In other words, the monster demarcates ‘the bonds that hold together that system of relations we call culture.’ If hegemony’s darling is a masterpiece years in the making, the monstrous artifact is an ambiguous genderless child (?), editing their selfies and ‘putting shit on [their] face,’ posting their work for free onto their Instagram account.

Text: Audrey Lindemann

Images: Jazminbean

Published: 24/3/20

#SPAM Cut #SPAM Cuts #Instagram #Instagram poetry #aesthetics #gurlesque #Jazmin Bean #audrey lindemann

1 note · View note

vampirethatcarlislegotbittenby · 5 years

Text

Lost and Found

Evans was the first one to introduce me to the equal wonders and horrors of what the internet contained. From weird social media posts and blog posts to stupidly long and weirdly detailed stories attached to recipes, as a team, we found so many stupid things to laugh at together. Being a poorer kid, I hadn’t had much connection with the internet before the early two thousands – but it didn’t matter that sometimes, I fucked up and searched the wrong things, causing many… less savoury sites to pop up sometimes, all full of ads and spammy links. Not that Chris cared, of course. He hadn’t cared about any of the times that I’d messed up, or knocked things over, causing priceless objects like his families entire china set to knock over when were kids, or sent in the wrong essay for one of his college applications. He hadn’t cared, and somehow had ignored or missed all my faults. So many memories, heartbreaks and stress, all throughout our childhood, high school, college and now, our careers and professional lives. So many times and so many memories… but now, we seemed to be drifting. I mean, I understood – I was some broke anthropologist, new to her field and he was a successful actor, starting to get bigger and better roles. Chris was always in my line of vision, my thoughts – how could he not be? He was my best friend, my most trusted confidante. Our whole relationship followed the exact cliché of the stereotypical drifting ‘high-school besties’ trying to keep in contact and remain close after the environment and whole drama of school, relationships and early adulthood. Chris noticed a lot of things throughout our friendship about me. The way I flicked my hair, or only really grinned at twisted jokes. Stupid, I know, to hold onto all the minor things that didn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, and work but how could I not, when my heart so belonged to him. The only thing Chris didn’t notice throughout our early friendship was the fact that I loved him. I mean, I never had anybody but him, but he had so many other girlfriends and other surrounding friends. I was too awkward to really fit in with others, before I lost him, so I kept track of us, our friendship. Yeah, I knew others I was semi-friends with, but it wasn’t as if I was invited to anything of theirs outside of school.He never noticed that fact. Saying goodbye to our closeness, our friendship… it was, for the lack of a better word, heartbreaking.

Unsurprisingly, our totally different career paths caused Chris and I to drift. Not in a bad way, we just… stopped talking as much. I studied old bones and the structure of ancient societies, and he acted our false personas and scripts for a living. Anniversaries forgotten, birthdays left behind… the distance between us just grew and grew for so many weeks and months that eventually, I forgot his voice and the small quirks he had, and the silly rituals we would perform, like the tic at the side of his mouth that he had whenever he got excited or happy about an event or job or something like that, or the way we would dance and yell and celebrate together whenever it rained, no matter how long it was for. I forgot about those moments, those small things about us, and him, and I because of our stupid schedules and inability to communicate. And God, I regretted it so much. We’d promised each other, at our universities graduation that we’d keep in contact. We’ll keep in contact, we’d promised. Well, that hadn’t ended up happening, had it? I mean, looking back on the situation, it’s obvious – we could hardly catch up in person after graduation due to our respective hectic schedules and jobs. It’s a bit hard to keep in contact and stay friends when one person can’t talk in person and the other couldn’t talk over the phone, or online. We were so disconnected and fragmented that when it came to our ‘conversations’, one topic could drag on for days. I guess we just kind of gave up trying. We were both so surrounded by people, me on field and him always on a different and new set, but at the same time so alone. It hurt at the time, losing one of my closest friends, but distance and time, combined with our lack of communication, allowed us to lead such different lives and become such different people – for the most part, better I think, despite the feelings of missing another piece of ourselves over the years.

The years without Chris saw me become such a different person, it was almost hard for him to recognise me when I met him again. Four years had flown by, in a whirlwind of partners, drama, extra studying and new friendships and work opportunities for the both of us. We both had so much more of a safety net, and knew so much more about the ‘scary big, wide world’ as we’d both once perceived it. Not everything was so dependant on just each other anymore – even though I’ll admit that I’d once loved him, losing him wasn’t that big of a deal anymore. We were both so different – me, once a broke, socially-awkward butterfly, had finally emerged from her cocoon and had found other people just like her. Chris was successful, well known and while his personality was so different… physically, well let’s just say that he could still get it. I was so happy – in a stable job (finally!), with an apartment, friends and no pressing need for a man. My life was going well, in summary. Yes, sometimes work was stressful, or there was drama at home or in the friendship group or romantically, or there was a disappointing date or party, but that didn’t matter. It was overshadowed by the good. I was no longer the broken-hearted 22-year-old who was losing her best friend and romantic interest and was on the brink of financial ruin. I’d metaphorically dug myself out of that ditch. Life was mostly good, except for one small element – I didn’t feel like I had anybody to truly connect with. Not like I’d had with Chris.

Unexpectedly, it was at a party we reconnected at. I mean, yes, I was no longer uncomfortable in loud or crowded spaces, but at the same time, I didn’t quite feel totally comfortable at house parties or bars yet either. I still felt that I needed to get used to them a bit. I’d been dragged along to the housewarming party by a bunch of girls from my work that I was semi-friends with. Long story short, I was drinking punch, chatting to some other people from my work when Chris whirled around from a separate group and quite literally knocked into me. Luckily, nothing was left in my cup, otherwise I feel as if I would have punched him in the arm, regardless of who he was to me. I’d blinked, and stared at him, not comprehending who he was. Why the hell was he here? This was a party full of a group of nerdy anthropologists, archaeologists and other humanities-centred people who’s worked sometimes overlapped. What the hell was a distant famous actor doing there? Turns out he was just a plus-one of a friend who had been at the same university hadn’t wanted to rock up alone that night. Weird, the way that some circles overlap. On the outside… well, not much had changed. We still recognised each other, for the most part. Only minor things like haircuts and clothing styles were slightly different or changed. But on the inside? Personally? Our whole dynamic was different – we were both actual, working adults then – him, a distant star, me a lowly intern. Seeing him at that party… well, my heart cracked wide open. Memories, of our childhood, our teenagerhood, of the memories of camping, firelight, stars and smoke, of all of our secrets and myths and times spent together of the first twenty years of our retrospectives lives spent and spoken and whispered together, flooded my mind. The sounds of my friends talking faded into white static and the air tasted like distinct batter-acid taste of mountain dew for a few seconds before I snapped back into reality, and faced one of my oldest friends.

I may not have been sure beforehand, but when Chris smiled at me, and we started talking again, I knew while both of us were completely different in personalities, and interests and what we worked on, we still were very much the same in the way that we talked and acted. The coffee place that I had gone to loads of times in the past couple of years with friends was physically no different, of course, but to me it came to mean a whole lot more personally, just because of Chris. Numbers and tears exchanged, we agreed to meet up, as much as we could or at least once a week at that one location. Sounds stupid, I know, to always meet at one place when there are so many other places and locations to try but that local café was neutral territory, where we could catch up and get to know each other, a place to reminisce and remember as well as catch up. Plus, it had great milkshakes. And I fell in love all over again – with him, and his laughter and quirks and personality. Time had changed us both and our situations but had also brought us together again by one simple twist of fate or simple fluke. A few months after, I found out that well, he felt that way too. My emotions ran wild. Joy, sudden shock, laughing, crying. Overall, pure happiness over that. Finally, he’d really noticed me, and loved me in return. Our relationship became something different, but so much happier. Sunday mornings spent in the sun, weekends at the beach or random date nights mid-week whenever he’d drop back in town without telling me, taking a break from filming. Thought sets were so far away, and he was often so physically far away, we continued, marching on, not entirely forgetting what happened when you lost somebody you loved and reminding ourselves daily, to never lose contact. Being with Chris was like always being home – the constant feeling of safety, happiness and warmth.

Chris’ smile at that party reminded me, and our renewed relationship reminded me – it doesn’t matter where you are, or who you are, the opportunity to find somebody is not restricted to a small group, or an elite. It might be a random stroke of luck, or through dedicated searching, you can find what you have lost. There’s always the opportunity to reconnect and find those you have lost. Yes, you’ll fight, yes, you’ll lose sometimes or grow a bit more distant or lose a person, friend or loved one but that doesn’t matter, as long as you care – because there’ll always be a way back home, no matter the distance. After all, it only takes one question from the other party - Why don’t you come up and see?

@whiskey-cokenfanfic (sorry this is so late. I didn’t have connection I apologise so much anyway here’s my submission my alt is @theboningseason by the way this is just my personal thanks sorry sorry)

#wcnfbirthdaychallenge

13 notes · View notes

notcisjustwoman · 6 years

Text

I’m watching the Ted Bundy Netflix doc because I watch all true crime docs and just about any other doc I can get my hands on.

And I really don’t disagree on a fundamental level with most of the talk around this. I certainly don’t disagree with the notion that Ted Bundy should not be romanticized and glorified.

I don’t think he was particularly fascinating, or smart, or charming. And certainly his misogyny, as extreme as it was, was nothing special or remarkable in a world built on misogyny.

There’s very little, if anything, for Bundy himself to tell us, even with all his hours and hours of tapes.

The words I find myself hanging onto are those of the people around him.

The story isn’t HIS. He doesn’t get to own it, because he’s gone and he can exert no control over the way he is portrayed.

Are there people in the doc playing right into his hand with their characterization of him as this enigmatic genius? Yes, definitely. And yet the documentary itself, at least so far, is going out of its way to juxtapose this faux persona with the reality of who he was and how others, not swayed by his shallow replication of charm, perceived him.

The interview with Sandi Holt, the woman who knew him as a child, nails him to the wall. He couldn’t and didn’t fit in. In direct contradiction of Bundy’s words on the tape bragging about his frog catching skills mere moments earlier, Holt tells us that he couldn’t do the things the other kids could do, just couldn’t get it right. She tells us that even as a child, he relished scaring people. She tells the world that even from this age, he treated girls inhumanely, catching one in a tiger trap in the woods like a god damn cartoon villain, slicing her leg open on a pike.

Now the audience sees things coming to light. The lies are being peeled back one at a time, even as the journalist interviewing him for the tapes struggles to pin him down. Struggles to direct him. The little girl saw. She knew. All those years ago, she knew.

Next comes Marlin Lee Vortman, a republican campaigner, who met Bundy, a rabid conservative (obviously) through politics, and states plainly and chillingly “He was a very nice person. The kind you’d want your sister to marry. Ted always fit in, wherever he was at.”

And in these cliched nothings, a truth is revealed as well. A truth that conservative men are deeply and hopelessly drawn to men displaying sociopathic traits. A truth that a man like this can easily find kinship among a population which literally dedicates itself to the cause of harming others. In many ways, Bundy was conservatism, indeed, patriarchy, personified.

Did Bundy want to be famous? Did he want for his name to live on forever? I have no doubt that he did. What is revealed on the tapes is that he was extremely invested in having us remember him as he WANTED to be remembered. He wanted to be in charge of his legacy, he wanted people to see only the mask that he put on.

In the words of others and through the framing of the documentary, this is stripped from him, piece by piece. The power that was his only comfort in life becomes unattainable in his death.

His failures and sickness laid bare by a little girl, he is not in charge anymore. And he never, ever will be again.

#ted bundy #the bundy tapes #bundy

80 notes · View notes

throwness · 6 years

Text

Saeran/Ray Route. AKA THE UGLY CRY ROUTE. Spoilers Ahead!

Alright where do I begin. . . If you thought 707’s route hurt you, nope. Ray’s route I can almost guarantee will make you ugly cry.

Lets talk about rays route shall we?

So we’re not gonna ignore that Saeran kidnapped you from the very beginning but I mean MC what kind of basic lack of home training do you have that you legit iust followed a yolo text telling you to get into a car to be taken to an undisclosed location.

Oh yes enter Ray persona. “Test my game for me you beautiful creature that I’m already admittedly probably in love with because I have no reference for what it feels like to be loved or in love. But you make me feel less lonely so please don’t leave me.”

Ray is a princely figure throughout your first couple days with him. Only to later realize that Rika has utterly adopted his mothers tactics to manipulate him into doing what she wants out of what is essentially pure spite. Rika also adopts the persona of being Saeran’s true mother as she calls herself. Oddly enough, you actually get more insight on what type of person Rika is and how she perceived herself in Ray’s route than V’s.

Even in everyone’s else’s route before Saeran I never found myself actually attracted to Saeran. Rather, I found him to be someone that was grossly similar to Rika in the fact that he simply wanted to be accepted and loved by anyone. No matter what love meant to the other person. He was willing to devote his entire being simply for the other person to achknowledge him as a person. This becomes even more clear if you get Rays bad ending. It’s clear to see why even in past routes Rika was more than just Rika, she was a godly being for Saeran. Albeit through means of heavily drugging him and manipulative tactics but that’s how he saw Rika. Just as he named you his goddess, Rika was the all mighty savior.

Ray is already very upset that he has to take the elixir. It causes him to undergo pain beyond measure. Which is why he goes so out of his way to do everything he can so that the player doesn’t have to take the elixir. He even goes to make a fake exilir in case Rika asks for MC to drink it to prove herself.

This poor sweet child has been nothing but continuously abused and used as a tool.

He himself thinks he’s no good. BECAUSE LITERALLY HE HAS BEEN CONDITIONED LIKE THIS HIS ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. LIKE PLEASE I JUST WANT TO PROTECT YOU AND LET YOU BE HAPPY. LOOK AT HOW FRAGILE HE IS. YOU CAN STILL SEE THE OLD WOUNDS HIS MOTHER GAVE HIM ON HIS BODY

Like this poor baby STOPPPPP. When they released Ray’s route I did not expect myself to cry as much as I did going through this route.

NOW let’s transition to Saeran persona. We’re also not going to ignore that Saeran abused MC for literally days. Both trying to manipulate her and physically starving her so she’s weakened. I think we all knew from the beginning that Saeran was projecting all his fears and feelings onto MC in hopes of personifying his perceived weaker self and dominating them. I’m not excusing any of this AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Someone being mentally ill does not give them any rights to abuse others around them because they are damaged. But this is also where I was very emotionally driven. This arc stirred an anger in me towards both Rika and V. As most of us know it has been about six months since Rika had disappeared. But thing is Saeran was taken in by Rika and V a LONG while before. Like Rika you literally killed his mom how has this not come up anywhere in conversation????? LIKE REALLY DID YOU LEGIT GET AWAY WITH MURDER??? I digress. What makes me so angry is that ONLY FKING RIGHT NOW does V actually realize “maybe....I waited too long and should have helped Saeran and protected him LIKE I PROMISED SAEYOUNG ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND NOT LIED ABOUT IT UNTIL HE WAS SO TRAUMATIZED THAT HIS PERSONALITY SPLIT”. LIKE V???? YOU JUST SEE THAT NOW? RIGHT NOW????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDNT REALIZE WHAT RIKA HAS DONE TO HIM??? YOU BEEN FOLLOWING HER SINCE SHE FOUNDED MINT EYE SHE HAS A ENTIRE FOLLOWING OF PEOPLE???? YOU KNEW SHE WAS MENTALLY ILL LIKE??? HUH????? Okayyyyyy. . .

Back to Saeran. Even as MC is getting tortured by Saeran this is the scene that broke me in this route.

His complete breakdown after being unable to cope with his feelings and being unable to break MC. This is the scene where he says something along the lines of “I’ll just kill you now so you can’t torment me; only I can torment you” and where he desperately tries to get a response from MC.

I’m not sure how everyone else responded but when it came to the choose I chose to say nothing. The following line of Saeran saying “why aren’t you saying anything? Tell me! TELL ME IT’S PAINFUL!” Completely broke me. I realized here he still just wants someone to accept him....in the form of him as their abuser...but accepting him nonetheless. Also props to Saeran’s VA. You screamed a lot in this my dude. It paided off. You made Saeran become really alive delivering all your lines the way you did. Honestly even above Rika’s VA, you did....amazing. You’re both amazing but DAMN YOU MADE ME TOO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED.

Anyway,

The line is delivered so desperately. He just wants a response any response. Silence is just the same as death for him. What good is a toy that won’t respond to you? Validate me as a person that is strong and not useless. Only my toy makes me feel whole.

Saeran and Ray are entirely the same. “Please don’t leave me. I’m scared. ”. Of course Ray and Saeran are the same person. After this....his decision to tell V to take MC away from here seals the deal. That’s Saeran’s way of saying he loves you enough to let you go. That sounds cliche af but that’s what happen. The difference is the deliverance of how it went about is what made it worthwhile.

He spent 9 days trying to do one thing. And that was to get you to not leave. Now he just wants you to be okay even in his madness.

I wont lie. V did save redeem himself a little when he came clean. And the proceeded to of course OF COURSE sacrifice himself and be putty in Rika’s hands. Yes Rika is a monster. Granted I still stand by my opinion that she isn’t the monster that some people make her out to be, but she’s still a monster. When Ray/Saeran become one and shows Rika all the receipts I mean I was Z-snapping everywhere tbh.

Both Saeran and Rika became what they hated most. Their mothers. The difference is Rika believed it made her strong, Saeran realized that’s what made him weak.

Overall I think Ray’s route was the most impactful for several reasons. But I’ll just name two.

1. The entire story has VAs. The delivery of the lines make a difference in how we perceive the characters. A lot of the times we have to imagine how they said it. Here we actually get to hear how it was intended. It made it that more immersive to the point of sometimes I forget this is just a game.

2. The story was well driven and you don’t get the complete satisfaction of everyone’s happy ending. This was intentional of course. Someone has to lose their life. You spend most your life hiding with Saeran and Rika has V wrapped back in her fingers...Continuing the cycle of their toxic relationship. Until we get an after ending for both V and Ray. I have to say these reviews are incomplete.

You made it to the end. Thank you!

Enjoy happy pictures.

Honestly I think Saeran has the best kiss out of all.

#mysme ray #mm saeran #saeran choi #review #route review #mystic messenger #ugly crying #mysme saeran #mm ray route #mm ray #ray route

46 notes · View notes

ryouverua · 6 years

Text

Trial 4 - Post-Accusation (4)

Pride goeth before the fall...

Investigation 1 / 2

Trial: 1 / 2 / 3

Yeah well I straight-up procrastinated finishing the trial because...... well DO I REALLY NEED TO SAY IT. AHHH EVERYTHING HURTS

He could barely say the words.

MEANWHILE GRANDMASTER WEENIE EXTRAORDINAIRE OVER HERE IS CHIRPING AWAY -

But then holy shit, screaming at me, at everyone else, and honestly like fuck, it feels like he’s literally screaming at me, that’s how raw it is -

And onto his third persona, the Supreme Leader of Evil - that’s what you called yourself, right? And they all have their own distinct voices, and distinct cadences - is that the face you want associated with the truth?

Like everyone else before him, huh?

Oh come on, please stop Kokichi, please. I can’t... take much more of this...

He’s not yelling at Shuichi, but he certainly isn’t accepting anything he has to say, either. And oh, hey, I feel like Kaito said this about Kaede too in the first trial? I feel like Shuichi is having flashbacks right now.

Interestingly enough, the triumphant ‘turning around the trial’ music is coming on now that Kaito is countering - and it’s definitely going to be with something Shuichi is going to knock down - while with Kokichi and the actual truth of the case, it’s all been the very ominous music. Maybe it’s just because we had a short stint of having a musician-type character as our protagonist, but I feel like the way they use music in the game is very important and something to watch out for.

That’s actually not a bad point, Kaito! And honestly, I want to make sure I give him credit - he’s not all bluster. He’s not just talking out of his ass, even if he’s reaching - he really is trying to find solid evidence of Gonta not being the possibility, though unfortunately he’s doing it without presenting an alternative - which, you know, we’d need so familiar, eh Battler? But..... ah, the toilet paper....

And of course, the other classmates rally behind Kaito, with the obvious exception of Kokichi and Shuichi - and K1-b0, for that matter. He’s been rather... I don’t know, subdued during the trial? Which is interesting in itself, but... hm...

for fuck’s sake don’t raise his hopes up

These moments in his internal dialogue are so important...

I would hate to be Gonta right now, having to stand there and watch people debate your guilt with absolutely no way to input or know the truth yourself. And of course, seeing people he considers friends arguing that you murdered someone who, and I cannot stress this enough, you have no memory of killing and, as far as you know, no motive to kill!

Kaito... tried to reach out to Gonta, earlier in this chapter. I noticed it. It was too little, too late, but he tried, damn it. It’s - not necessarily related to this exact moment, or this sprite - but seeing him like this with such a devastated face just reminded me of how he was trying to tell Gonta that he wasn’t useless, that having him around was important...

And fml, he’s just seeing his failure to reach out sooner crash around him. We didn’t get to talk about it much, but Kaito has a pretty big list of people he regrets not helping more that he has lost during the game too - Kaede, Ryoma, and now, Gonta...

aaaah, I’ve got a case of the feels and it might just be terminal is that what you’re dealing with Kaito

Shuichi attempts to plead his side to Kaito!

It’s not very effective!

Kaito just used the ‘l’ word on Shuichi omfg

and also god this sounds like they’re fucking breaking up I cannot believe -

I like how the moment Kaito perceives Shuichi to be on Kokichi’s side, he accuses him of lying. 8′D Man, Kokichi really did a number on you in this trial, huh...

WHOA OKAY NO GAME I DID NOT ASK TO FIGHT KAITO AGAIN, LITERALLY

oh shit that means Gonta isn’t getting an Argument Armament? A-And what the hell does that say about Kaito’s viability next chapter? EVEN THE GAME MECHANICS ARE PREEMPTIVELY DEATHFLAGGING KAITO I CANNOT BELIEVE -

omfg is that a little naked alien on his knee

DOES THE ALIEN HAVE A FUCKING AHOGE

I KNOW IT’S AN ANTENNA BUT I MEAN WHAT IS AN ANTENNA ON AN ALIEN BUT A FLESHY AHOGE

And here he looks more like an armour-covered hero than an astronaut which, I imagine, was completely on purpose.

Kaito your.... right leg.......... someone please save Kaito

KAITO IS SO BUFF HERE WHAT

The binoculars......... aaaaaah.

That’s your goalpost of the trial?!?!

The classmates are reluctantly convinced but I don’t care as much about their opinions compared to the one person who really matters. And... he seems, though it took him time to process, convinced. And unlike Kaito, he isn’t fighting back.................

Menacing evil chess master Kokichi is back, but...

Every extremely hateful thing Kokichi has said this trial has been accompanied with a face like ^ and man, this does not scream ‘pleasure’ to me at all.

OH HOLY FUCK YES SHUICHI!!! YES! YES! FUCK YES OWN IT!

H-He stopped Kokichi right in his tracks! Is it just general speechlessness from how ballsy Shuichi suddenly was, or the unpredictability factor again? And unlike with Himiko earlier, he doesn’t have a quip about how it was okay when they were bullying him earlier.

Ah, and here’s the constant theme we’ve had with Shuichi - in his backstory, with Kaede, with Kirumi and now, with Gonta, he has had empathy for a killer - and I find myself thinking back to both Maki’s comment about there being a thin line between detective and criminal, and his time working under his uncle and how he had to track/observe people. I don’t think we’re going to see him commit a murder (after losing Kaede I would be shocked) but perhaps he can see himself in their position? He certainly has the know-how to commit a difficult murder, and in Kaede’s case, he had the same goal as Kaede - to pin down the mastermind - but he just didn’t take it as far as she did.

It’s also interesting to contrast against the other thing I keep saying about him - how he seems to struggle as far as emotional intelligence goes, but damn it, the boy tries. While he does need to grow past the issues he had with that murderer he caught before the game and understand that he did make the right decision, losing the part of him that tries to understand and look past the immortal actions of the culprit would be a huge loss...

a;lskdfj no no no no no never mind I want off this ride

Gosh there was a lot going on in the closing argument comic that I couldn’t bring myself to skip over - please indulge this foolish person.

Shuichi brings up an interesting possibility - that the avatar error may have changed/effected Gonta’s personality while he was in the game. But I don’t recall anything sticking out to me during our time in there?

Miu is incredibly cute here and I felt obligated to point that out.

Me, choking through my tears: “The comic-stylized version of the avatars are so fucking cute -”

Also, I find the way they simplified Kokichi’s hair to be very interesting. I’m trying to put my finger on why....

ZOOM

Miu’s swearing at them in the distance and Shuichi looks so done with her omfg

Are you just trying to push the altered personality Gonta theory??? He looks so evil! Though with that said, Kokichi is like, 20 levels more ominous here than he usually is, or is that just me?

NO NOT TINY KAITO!!!

Also damn, did you really have to hold the hammer in such a conspicuous ‘I’m not hiding anything’ way?

Ah..... damn. Holy shit. And there’s Kokichi Ouma, just there....

is this a bad time to admire how cute they are again

I am more than happy to admit I didn’t catch onto this part at all when first putting my ideas together. Very smart! But.... man, you should have maybe tossed it over the castle wall rather than down the same area you came from...

FUCKING FINALLY I WAS WAITING TO SEE CUTE GONTA AVATAR

oh shit wait right I forgot I was in the middle of being FUCKING DEVASTATED

He’s not happy about it, not at all - but he’s still putting it out there, with Kaito barely hanging on beside him.

More heart-wrenching bits of Gonta putting himself down and trusting everyone else over himself because why not kick everyone while they’re down.

And again, the one who has consistently defended Gonta in every trial before this, Tsumugi -

His VA is absolutely knocking it out of the park, btw. FML the way he’s choking up...

OMG there are so many people that have the potential of making an attempt on Kokichi’s life next chapter - Maki, Tsumugi, Kaito... well, not that I think Kaito has it in him, but with that said, this chapter was a hell of a game-changer so honestly? Who knows.

NO FOR FUCK’S SAKE HOW DID YOU CONVINCE HIM OUTSIDE OF DEFENDING YOU

I NEED TO KNOW

Probably because everyone at their podiums is an empty shell of their former shells tbh

OMFG SOMEONE SPITE-VOTED KOKICHI

was it Kaito

KAITO DID YOU FUCKING SPITE-VOTE FOR KOKICHI

#Shuichi Saihara #Kaito Momota #Kokichi Ouma #Gonta Gokuhara #Maki Harukawa #Miu Iruma #Monokuma #Himiko Yumeno #K1-b0 #Kiibo #Keebo #Ryou plays drv3 #Tsumugi Shirogane #spoilers #drv3 spoilers

37 notes · View notes