#*john mulaney voice* that’s my WIFE!

[yorufi]

[threebooksoneplot]

G I have a parasocial gay crush on you

hmm yeah sure, that's allowed. lemme know if you need some of my hair for a shrine or something —G

tread carefully anon you don't want this smoke

—shannon

[failvillain]

daniel molloy is a little shit (affectionate). and armand likes him so much

[introspectivememories]

brown eyed bernard truthers RISE

[star-sworn]

do you ever think about how like. kairi was asleep for a year searching for sora’s heart and sora was asleep on that couch (for a week? a year? however the time difference works in unreality) and reached out to kairi’s heart somehow (assuming it wasn’t just her subconscious creating an image of sora) like do you ever think about both of them being asleep at the same time for a significant period of time and their hearts connecting with one another across realities within their dreams. do you ever think about what a beautiful image that is

sweetie. sweaty. honey. I only think about this maaaybe once a day. And that's not that hyperbolic. I mean you really said it all--They are literally BONDED across the chasm of reality itself. We can all speculate whether it's from the paopu fruit (as I think) or just The Power of Love™️, but regardless it's beyond romantic. And it was when she needed him. She needed him, and he was there. Whenever she needs him, he never lets her down, literally using himself (projected on to her I guess?) as a shield. I have no hands here, so let me use yours, I'll give you my keyblade, I'll give you my strength. Even when I'm in unreality you are not allowed to mess with Kairi. How many times must I teach you this lesson old man?

I do think what you pointed out about it happening when they're both sleeping is really interesting. There is a wonderful symmetry to it, dreaming of each other, reaching for each other--in a world without you, i'll dream of you, right? It seems that's how Yozora reaches Sora too, and possibly riku, given the endings of Remind and kh3? some very weird jumbling of memory and dream going on here. It reminds me a bit of CoM, where Sora is put to sleep in order to unscramble his memories. The concepts of dream and memory and sleep are often found together in kh. once nomura puts you to sleep, no telling what weird shit's going to happen to you lol. oh the sweet sweet torment of kh mysteries.

And iirc from a nomura interview from after the trailer drop it seems Sora was asleep from the time between kh3/remind and this moment of waking in the kh4 trailer, and that he was asleep for seven days (because of course he was). So either a week in unreality is a year in kh time, or there's even zanier time shenanigans at play. It could just be a way to quickly handwave over the intervening time, so they might gloss over all of this, but I really do hope they'll show us or describe to us the MoM scene from Sora's POV (and also how/when he got changed into his new 'fit lol). I wrote that mini fic on the MoM scene because it's so fascinating to me. He just knew. She must have been calling out to him, and he knew. How did he know she needed him? How did he get to her? I have to lie facedown now.

The fact that Kairi thanked Sora at the end, to me at least, (and im not a sap nor am i biased in any way) says that it was actually Sora, not her own imagining of him. But it does present this interesting idea if it is some sort of self creation--that in a moment of weakness, again her own demons, when she needs strength and courage, when she feels she's not enough, she thinks of sora, and that gives her that courage and strength. I mean, who does she know that's defeated Xehanort? (If you can't get Sora himself, store-bought is fine).

Anyway, I actually rewatched the kh4 trailer a few days ago and I still clutched my chest when it first reveals Sora on the couch. I don't think I'll ever forget how I felt seeing him there, knowing he was (at least to some extent) alright, seeing him so altered and grown up, so far from all he's known. KH certainly isn't in Kansas anymore. Just think, what if Sora had just saved Kairi, right before that moment cuts in and he opens his eyes? A girl can dream.

answering this ask Maria (can I call you that? mutual level up?), you literally have me kicking my feet under my desk like a middle schooler after the big dance. this was good for my soul. Kh always makes sure there's something spicy even in the seemingly innocuous titles, and wow, MoM truly has a banger. A love banger. This is where I'm torn. Because a sokai reunion after returning from unreality would be oh so sweet. If either Sora or Kairi don't fall to the ground because their knees give out when they see one another, it won't be angsty enough for me. And you've discussed before, Kairi doesn't have to girlboss her way to Shibuya in order for kh4 to be satisfying, iirc. and Im with you on that. to me, she's as much 'home' to Sora as DI is, so it could be a very cathartic way to end kh4, similar to the end of kh2. But also, them reuniting in quadratum, then perhaps even teaming up? sweet dreams are made of this.

will i trim this down? no. should I have? probably. but im so happy I have a fellow new fan to enjoy the ride with. we both missed the hype for 3, but hot damn, we arguably picked the best time to become kh fans. Hope your finals are going well sweetie, and you have a wonderful Christmas. thank you for this gift in my tumblr stocking, it's always welcome.

[jessisart]

the ventrue of our coterie, club promoter lainey bakeman 😈🖤

[me-myself-and-my-fos]

Love the absolute chaos of the Legends on a mission and asking where the fuck I am because they need backup. And Gary tells them “oh she’s at John’s. She planned on doing nothing but baking for the weekend and I don’t think we should disturb her” and they all groan because that means Gary is gonna be their backup

[passion-00]

hey wife <3

Milady~ *tips hat*

[scarlet-witchery]

can't wait till my mom dies so I can be free but also so I can legally change my first name

[mskrysta-gone-silly]

i love her

Trying coloring again and believe or not the six hands draw from imagination were the easiest part. My first attempt to color it was so bad I gave up and had to start from scratch, but I think at least it looks cute now.

[cowgurrrl]

She’s A Gun

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: *John Mulaney voice* My wife is a bitch and I love her SO much (gif by @salome-c) I also didn’t know how to end this so sorry

Summary: Somebody didn’t give the new guy a heads up about talking about Joel Miller’s family [1.6k]

Warnings: idiots in love, a quick mention of a queer slur, I can’t think of anything else!!

You catch him looking at you across the room as you sip some new whiskey Tommy traded for. He looks young and fresh-faced without many scars or littering the surface of his skin. His eyes are bright when they meet yours, and you give him a polite smile before returning to your drink. Unsurprisingly, he bellies up to the bar a few minutes later. You glance at the door, and the man follows your gaze. 

"You meeting someone?" He asks. The bartender, a kind man named Nick, flashes you a look, but you wave him off, turning to the younger man, who is dead set on making his presence known. 

"You must be new." You say, and he laughs as he holds out his hand. 

"You got me. I'm Luke," He says. You meet him halfway and shake his hand, giving him your name. "Where are you from?"

"I came here from Boston."

"You're a long way from home. What brought you here?" 

"Long story."

"Is it longer than the time it would take to get you another drink?" 

"I can get my own drink, but thank you."

"'Course," he says but doesn't move from his place next to you. "What do you do here in Jackson?" He asks, and you open your mouth to say something, but he cuts you off. "Let me guess. School teacher. No, a nurse."

"I work patrols, but good guess."

"Oh, I'm going to work patrols, too. I actually just signed up for my first shift tomorrow. Speaking of which, do you know anything about this guy… Miller, I think, is his name. I heard he's a hard ass."

"Joel or Tommy?"

"There's multiple?" He asks, and you smirk as you sip your drink.

"There's a few of 'em hanging around, yeah. What did they say? Maybe I can," you shrug and try to hide the amusement in your voice. "Help you figure it out."

"Well, this guy, Seth, said Miller shouldn't even be in Jackson. Something about him killing people to get by before coming here, but he gets to stay because he's buddies with Maria. Apparently, he's a hell of a shot, though. I heard a rumor that he once shot an Infected from a mile away, but I'll believe it when I see it." He says, and you nod. 

You remember that day well. Tommy had been bragging about his marksmanship, mostly telling big fish stories, and you finally got sick of it. Joel told you to leave it, but you had to see. When you went on patrol the next day, you and Tommy had a competition to see how far he could actually shoot. You passed the gun back and forth to see who could hit accurately and how far. You were the one holding the gun when the Infected bound his way up the hill and quickly went down as the bullet buried in his skull. You didn't think that story would've made the rounds, though. 

"What else did Seth say?" You ask, and he puffs his cheeks out as he shakes his head.

"He told me to stay away from him. Something about not fucking with people like that because he's ruthless, especially when it comes to his kid. He said Miller yelled at him last week because he said something to her. Just... totally lost his mind like a crazy person." It wasn't just something. He called my daughter a dyke, you think to yourself. Joel may have pushed him and made him leave, but you threatened to ruin his fucking life. If you ever hear him say something like that to Ellie again, you'll make Joel look like the poster child for forgiveness. You bite the inside of your cheek and save that information for later. 

Seth wasn't warning Luke about Joel. He was warning him about you.

"And you're sure he was talking about a man?"

"Pretty sure. I mean, I know people do lots of shitty things to stay alive, but I can't imagine a woman instilling that much fear in a man like Seth," He says, and you hum. "No offense."

"None taken." You smile and watch his guard come down just enough for him to feel comfortable reaching for your arm.

"I wish I had known they let women as beautiful as you out on patrol. I would've signed up with you instead of Miller." He says, and you almost gag. Joel's hand skims your lower back almost as if on cue, and you turn to face him. He kisses you a second too long before looking over your shoulder to face the stranger who looks embarrassed. His arm wraps protectively around your middle, and he's close enough that you can smell his shampoo over the bar’s stench of stale beer.

"Great timing. This is Luke. He's starting patrols tomorrow," You say. Joel reaches across the space to shake his hand, and Luke winces at his too-tight grip. "Luke, this is my husband, Joel Miller," you wish you had a camera to take a picture of the stunned look on his face when he hears the last name. "Joel, we were just talking about the last time I was on patrol with Tommy."

"You're Miller?" Luke asks, suddenly looking pale. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh, I thought I mentioned it. I'm sorry, I'm probably losing my mind." You echo Seth's words and smack yourself on the forehead dramatically. Luke drains his drink before glancing around the room.

"It was great to meet you, man. Um, I'm gonna run to the bathroom really fast." He says and takes several steps away from the bar. 

"Oh, so soon? I was hoping you and Joel could talk about routes."

"Maybe later." He says, and with that, he's gone. You smile and turn in Joel's arms to face him.

"Jesus, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. What did you say to him?" 

"Seth was warning him about the mercenary who's buddies with Maria and shot an Infected from a mile away, asked if I knew anything about the guy."

"Seth should learn to keep his fuckin' mouth shut." He grumbles, and you nod.

"It didn't help his case that he tried flirting with me. Even asked if I was a school teacher." You say, and he gives you a look. His warm fingers reach under your shirt collar to pull out the chain with your wedding band on it.

"Maybe if you actually wore this, that wouldn't happen so often."

"C'mon, everybody knows I'm yours. It's not my fault no one gave him the run down," you say, and he tugs on the chain to kiss you, his big hands moving to hold your jaw. He swallows your gasp when he licks into your mouth, sending a zing of electricity down your spine. He's a touch too handsy for a public space, but you're not complaining. "I don't see you wearing yours out on patrol either." You say, pulling away before he can start something he can't finish, at least not in public. Still, his hand slips into your back pocket, squeezing your ass through the denim.

"Don't want to lose a finger. Besides, everybody knows I'm yours," he parrots, and you smile. A familiar, old country song plays over the speakers, and Joel lights up at the first few chords. "Will you dance with me?" He asks, pressing light kisses to your jaw to butter you up. You lock your arms around his shoulders and let yourself forget about everyone else in the bar. 

"And to think there was a time when you hated PDA."

"That was before someone tried hittin' on my wife," he says, and you feel like your face will get stuck from smiling so much. It's been three months since the small backyard wedding officiated by Tommy and Maria. Ellie walked you down the aisle— more of a patch of grass than anything else— and acted as your maid of honor. When Tommy asked if she agreed to give you to Joel, she said, "it's not like she's fucking property, but sure." She beamed so brightly when she realized you each included her in your vows, promising to love and protect her as much as you love and protect each other. It wasn't planned, but the unexpected matching further proved that you three are a family. Still, you don't know if you'll ever get used to hearing Joel call you his wife. "Dance with me, please." He pouts into your neck, and you finally give in, grabbing his hand and leading him to the dance floor. 

He pulls you close, and you bury your face in his neck as you slowly dance to Tanya Tucker's voice. He sings along for only you to hear, his accent getting stronger as he does. You could stay like this forever, wrapped up in him and listening to him sing the same song you used to sing along to while driving on backroads. You would marry him again if you could. You think you would marry him in every lifetime.

Scary rumors of mercenaries and blood on your hands fade from your mind. To men like Seth and Luke, you are a subversion of their holy mother. You are bloody and broken, a monster beyond saving. You are a warzone with a heartbeat.

But to Joel, you are the most sacred thing he's ever held. It's not enough to erase the rumors and nightmares about you, but it's enough to knock the wind out of you and make you love your husband that much more. That has to count for something. 

🍓

🍓

🍓

🍓

Tag list: @evyiione

[its-avalon-08]

Can you write one about Nico Hülkenberg in which he has a secret girlfriend and one day she's in the paddock and everyone is like: Bro, who is she??!!! and he's like "That's my wife!!" (please, read in John Mulaney's voice)

my proudest accomplishment (nh27)

nico hulkenberg was a master of compartmentalization. on the track, he was a steely-eyed racer, a whirlwind of focus and precision. but off it, with y/n by his side, he was a different person entirely. laughter lines crinkled around his eyes as he teased her, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper when sharing an inside joke.

keeping their relationship a secret wasn't easy. y/n, fiercely independent, refused to be just another arm candy on the f1 circuit. nico, ever the private soul, valued his focus. so, stolen glances across crowded paddocks and late-night video calls became their norm.

one scorching bahrain grand prix weekend, nico was in the zone. he'd qualified a surprising p3, and the team buzzed with nervous anticipation. as nico entered the motorhome, his eyes scanned the room, searching for his usual source of calm – y/n. but she was nowhere to be seen.

a knot of worry tightened in his stomach. they'd agreed she wouldn't come to the paddock often, the attention overwhelming for her introverted nature. just then, a flash of movement by the window caught his eye. y/n, her back pressed against the glass, fiddled with a camera, her face flushed a light pink.

nico's heart melted. he crossed the room silently, the thump of the music the only sound. y/n jumped, the camera nearly slipping from her grasp.

"nico!" she squeaked, a relieved smile blooming on her face.

he cupped her cheek, his thumb brushing away a stray strand of hair. "hey there, sunshine. what are you doing hiding?"

y/n mumbled something about not wanting to be in the way. nico scooped her into a hug, the familiar scent of her vanilla perfume grounding him.

"you're never in the way," he murmured, his voice low and warm.

suddenly, the door swung open, revealing his grinning teammate, kevin magnussen .

"hulkenberg! ready to lose again?" kevin teased, his eyes widening as they fell on y/n. "whoa, who's this stunner?"

y/n shrank back, her cheeks burning even brighter. nico felt a surge of protectiveness. he took y/n's hand, his grip firm yet gentle.

"this," he declared, a hint of pride in his voice, "is my beautiful wife, y/n."

the playful smirk vanished from kevin's face, replaced by genuine surprise. "wife? you never said..."

nico leaned in and kissed y/n softly, the gesture both intimate and public. when he pulled back, a triumphant glint shone in his eyes.

"we like to keep things private," he said, his voice laced with a playful challenge.

y/n, still flustered but undeniably happy, hid a smile behind her hand. the weight of everyone's attention was a little suffocating, but seeing the pride in nico's eyes, the way he held himself a little taller with her by his side, made it all worth it. maybe, just maybe, a little public declaration wouldn't hurt. after all, having nico by her side, as her husband, was a victory lap she wouldn't trade for anything.

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

i hope you enjoyed! happy reading <3 do send in more requests! as for pre existing requests- im working on it! lots of love ava

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

[mcfiddlestan]

😍😍😍

Brie Larson

76th Cannes Film Festival

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WITAH for not telling someone my middle name?

My brother invited me to go bookstore browsing with him, his friend John, and John’s wife Rachel, neither of whom I’d met before. We’re all adults, late 20s-early 30s, I present F.

After introductions, we split to browse individually, saying hi if we ran into each other but otherwise continuing to do our own thing.

The second time Rachel and I crossed paths, she asked what my middle name was. I swear it was the first question out of her mouth in a one-on-one conversation, which absolutely floored me because in the many places I’ve lived, it has always been my experience that middle names can be a touchy subject, so it’s never something you’d just come out and ask someone?

I really didn’t want to tell her because, besides being a very private person, my middle name is *john mulaney voice* one of the things I’m sensitive about.

But I didn’t want to be rude and didn’t want to make her feel like she had been rude either, so I compromised and said that my middle name is actually a last name but didn’t tell her what it was.

I thought my words and tone were a strong enough indicator that I Didn’t Want To Tell Her So Let’s Please Talk About Other Things Now, but when she explained she wanted to see if mine was similar to a family member’s who shared my first name, she very clearly still expected an answer.

(sidenote: I can understand the curiosity but also have such a common first name that 5% of the people I work with have it, so it’s not like her meeting someone with my name was a rare occurrence or anything)

Well. I still didn’t want to tell her and couldn’t for the life of me think of a polite way to express “I literally met you 30 minutes ago, there’s no way I’m telling you my middle name when most of my friends don’t even know it??” So I just kind of laughed awkwardly and said that if her relative’s middle name wasn’t also a last name then it definitely wasn’t similar.

Then I asked her if there were any books she was hoping to find while we were there, and after a little small talk, we parted and didn’t really talk again for the rest of the night.

I fully realize this is low stakes but I feel like I need a reality check here like is this a normal thing to ask someone you just met?? Was this just a case of poor social skills or was Rachel the AH for asking (and then pressing) a near-stranger for their middle name? Is this just my anxiety-brain overthinking the entire interaction, or am I the AH for being so cagey and not answering when she asked me multiple times?

What are these acronyms?

[tarragonthedragon]

"Clarisse is so mean to everyone but she's soft for Selena and Chris" WRONG Clarisse is soft for Chris but Clarisse and Selena would dropkick each other off cabin roofs recreationally. they are the definition of that John Mulaney "my wife is a bitch and I like her so much". Selena puts so much energy into corralling her siblings that sometimes she needs a break and throws rocks at Clarisse until she snaps. Clarisse brings her Ares kids who are getting a bit too big for their boots like a cat bringing you half-dead birds to disembowel. they have bitten one another hard enough to scar at least once and any camper who hears both their voices laughing knows to run for their life

[hellbeast-go-walkies]

Some thoughts I had while watching Barry [SPOILERS]:

Oh my God, the writing's amazing.

[giggling]

See, kids, this is why you don't get Facebook.

You're going to destroy yourself, and I'm going to watch every minute of it.

I want to study this show under a microscope.

New rule: All shows need to be 30-minute episodes.

I love my gay Chechen son!

I want NoHo Hank's entire wardrobe.

[watching NoHo Hank gun down Cristobal's wife and the man she hired to dance in a Speedo] Yay!

I'm a Barry apologist, but when Sally broke up with him, I said, "Yes, girl, leave him."

I'm a Barry apologist, but when NoHo Hank cut him out of his life, I said, "Yes, girl, leave him."

If Nohobal isn't endgame, love isn't real.

LOVE ISN'T REAL.

[notices the episode titles in seasons 3 and 4 are all lowercase] Oh, Bill's in his folklore and evermore eras.

[John Mulaney voice] And he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Oh, God, she's going to kill again.

[more giggling]

New rule: All characters' last words need to be "Oh, wow..."