#*Is it saying something about how he’s letting himself live his life for Watanuki and he’d even let Watanuki kill him?*

[radioscientist]

I like how cozy and generally quite happy episode 13 of XXXHolic Kei is. Gives you a nice breather before we get into the next series.

[noa-ciharu]

Seishirou and Watanuki for the character meme

Clamp characters my beloved <3 let's start with character development: shy -> slutification first.

Watanuki:

First impression: why does he scream so much? He's under so much stress and Yuuko's cryptic messages and self-indulgent tasks (aka getting her wine) and all those clients without common sense (like he has any) that he'll drop dead soon. Jokes on me as I found out later that he's not dropping dead anytime soon. Or ever. He's so confused about everything, such #mood. Tho in beginning I paid way more attention to storyline and its customers (and Yuuko as well). But his character development did start as gradual to be fair.

Impression now: I adore how he matured and learned alot of life lessons (although didn't internalize all of them *ahem ending ahem*). He's actually way more kind and caring than it meets the eye. Also if I thought he was tragic before, that's nothing comparing to how he's in the end. Also got prettier as side effects but that's a classic clamp one: the prettier you get the more you'll suffer. I adore his calm yet subtly unstable self after Yuuko's death, as well as how he picked up alot of her habits, clothing included. Ya know, I made this meme and I stand by it.

Favourite moment: that eye thing with Doumeki along with spider lady conversation. It just, shows exceptionally well how, to quote "you dislike seeing other hurt but dont mind being hurt yourself. In process of doing that you're hurting those who care about you as well", affects not only Watanuki but those around him as well. One of my fav things is also when he wanted to give his remaining eye (uncaring he'll be blind) just to save someone, and spider lady refused the deal since he didnt put equal value into person he was trying to save and his own eye. So taletelling. Also in that arc it's the closest we see Yuuko and Doumeki being 100% done with Watanuki's low self-esteem and self-sacrificial tendecies. Also spider lady can step on me anyday

Story idea: Watanuki goes to proper therapy, too unrealistic. Completely crack but it'd be funny af if Yuuko, Himawari, Maru and Moro organized wedding ceremony in park (ofc it won't be so obvious) for Watanuki and Doumeki but Watanuki never realized what's going on. Scratch that, it can be obvious af cuz even if balloons spelled 'Douwata wedding', Watanuki wouldn't pick it up. Doumeki would instantly. He'll say 'oh', with dead stone face. He invented gay pinning while being most stoic person ever. Domueki literally puts ring on his finger and he has no idea they're 'officially' married. They literally made Watanuki make a wedding cake and he hasn't figured out. Everyone cheered, Watanuki asked why but everyone got too drunk to properly answer. Then Watanuki did something he does far too often: screamed at Doumeki's stoic face and suffered. Day after Yuuko asks him how's the honeymoon going and Watanuki's like wut. Then she explains everything. He screamed so loud that whole neighborhood around the shop came to Yuuko wishing for their hearing to return. Fastest divorce ever.

Unpopular opinion: I like how in the end Watanuki didnt completely overcome his issues and got stuck in the past. In most stories the point of journey is to show progress and how characters overcame whatever flaw they had in beginning. Sometimes that just seems unrealistic to me, and also alienating, like we are doing something wrong, that we didn't put enough effort in remedying the flaws that still exist after so long. That sorting flaws and issues with self value is always a linear journey. So it's sort of liberating to me that story with opposite type of ending exists, that he hasn't 'healed' from losing sight of himself and part of him remained flawed and stuck in a loop (since Yuuko and that shop gave Watanuki sense of identity) because that'd be such a major cognitive shift, even if he was on road of recovery prior to ending. Then again, I live and die for tragedies (especially of a character) so I might be biased on that one. I totally understand why so many people protest it tho. I wasn't a fan of it in beginning either, but I came to like it after some time.

Favourite relationship: is there a point in shipping him with anyone beside Doumeki? There's something just so subtly tragic about them. And not just the idea of one-sided love and yearning but also how blind to some obvious things around him Watanuki is. Especially to his own value to other people, that by making himself suffer others who care about him do too. Doumeki perhaps subconsciously knows that by stating his feelings outloud he'll create difficult situations to Watanuki in case he doesn't feel that way. And in case he does, Watanuki would still be drawn to his senseless self-sacrificing tendecies and given whole xxxholic ending thing, they would never be able to form 'happy' relationship. They're so close yet so far. On side note, i think that due to low self value, thought of someone falling in love with him didn't even cross Watanuki's mind at any point. Also platonic ones: his relationship with Yuuko is chef kiss, as well as one with Himawari

Favourite headcanon: it's been a long time since I read the manga but I remember Watanuki cooking for everyone but I dont recall him ever eating anything. Since food is obviously vital and brings characteristic to a person (choice of food I mean, since Watanuki always put thought and care into it) to me that's sort of yet another metaphor that Watanuki doesn't treat himself as human being (low self esteem ect. but serves food for others as it makes him happy to see them enjoy it; be taken care of) and has weak sense of identity. Which is so sad and sort of hypocritical, given how he treats others during manga, especially non-human beings. So if he's seen eating something as manga progresses I'd call that character development.

Now, the red flag that invented problematic faves.

Seishirou:

First impression: okay, I was spoiled about Hokuto's fate so i knew there was a far darker side to him. But I had no idea about bet, so I was intrigued and wary of Seishirou and his behavior, as well as his motives. No amount of brainstorming could prepare me for vol7. Also I was dropped on a head as a baby, since the moment I finished the manga i knew i had new fave whether i like it or not.

Impression now: he's so complexly written, that I can't even think of character to compare him with. Does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, no consequences whatsoever, completely amoral, hasn't felt a thing like ever (that's what he tells himself at least. But he did jump in front of that knife tho). Also what's a problematic fave if he's not hot as hell? Also I adore how clamp didnt try to justify or explain all 'bad' things that he did, nor explicitly stated what happened to him (emotionally and mentally) during X. It's a mixture about what we saw regarding Seishirou and what we didn't. Only adds to sence of mystery and secrecy of his character. Not even alleged 'love' in the end did make him any less selfish or redemptive in any way. I adore him ❤

Favourite moment: sue me, in X it's ending part of Rainbow bridge when he's finally honest with Subaru for first and last time. Also one of his real smiles, not smirks or obviously fake ones. In TB literally any moment around Subaru (who is usually unconsciously) when he drops the act, or when they're having some deeper philosophical conversation (aka when it's his 'real self' talking). Also any moment with obvious sexual tension he cant act on, least of karma he could get is unresolved sexual frustration , yes Seishirou you'll have to settle for horrny hand grabs.

Story idea: since 1) Subaru's story in prev ask was angsty enough 2) wedding idea above, imma go with same crack thing here. Apocalypse settled by Seishirou proposing to Subaru in the middle of the battle field. Since he stood there speechless for 30 seconds, everyone concluded it's an implicit yes - thus the wedding next day. Both sides were invited. Wedding was sakura themed. Seishirou kept his sunglasses on. Subaru arrived drunk so he could survive the whole ordeal. Mistake on his part since that made easier for Yuzuriha and Karen to coax him into trying on a wedding dress. When priest (Fuuma in disguise) asked if anyone had anything against the relationship, everyone did. Seishirou said he didnt give a single fuck and put a ring on it anyway. Kamui threw a chair on his face but Seishirou moved in last second - thus wedding cake ended up on floor. In the end everyone got drunk out off their minds that nobody even remembered what was clearly the worst wedding ever. Only silver lining that Fuuma and Kamui hooked up as well so apocalypse was canceled for real since Fuuma had other priorities, ya know. Next morning Subaru woke up next to his 'husband' and regretted even being born.

Edit: in this story your username @subarusakurazuka became canon :D

Unpopular opinion: hmm, I could probs write a whole essay here since topics are endless. Tho clamp fandoms have critical thinking ability so I dont see people 'canceling' him as they would in some other series. About his reasons for making Subaru kill him/commiting suicide: I dont think it was out of 'love' or because he through Subaru might wish for that (he literally aimed for death blow the moment Subaru told him he doesn't wish for revenge, and the moment he saw Subaru's blind eye for the first time). I think it was so unacceptable for his ego and who he prided himself on being, to have someone who matters to him, who has 'power' to make him feel something, who is in 'control' of some of his emotional responses. Seishirou views love as danger, emotions as weakness. He simply can't accept that he's, in the end, human with capacity of emotions (very primal ones in his case, he mostly relies on logic and reasons, or as we call it - mental gymnastic). It makes sense that he's extremely disturbed at idea because he's not used to feeling emotions, much less intense ones like after Subaru got stabbed. It's not a pleasant exprience since after not feeling genuine emotions for years, person loses the ability to difference them properly. They kinda settle into 'bad sensation' and 'good sensation' category, where former ones are intense strong emotions that confuse the person as they dont know what's happening to them. That's not something his ego can accept. That's what I think "you'll be killed by one you love the most" meant: you're so numb to emotions that once someone passes all those barriers you're unconscious of having, unfamiliarity and intensity of not knowing what you feel and what to do, it'll kill you. Loving that person would kill you (metaphorically). So in that moment he saw Subaru's blind eye (emotional trigger), combined with previous ruminations and mental unease it resulted in impulse decision to do what he did.

Favourite relationship: I'll never be over those two idiots ;-; since I talked about seisub in Subaru's ask, I won't here. I likr the platonic bond he had with Hokuto, especially the jest and jokes part. Also brings tale telling contrast as to how he acts around her and around Subaru (he's so fake around her no wonder she saw through the facade). Also his dynamic with Fuuma was funny as hell. "Oh, you don't have any interest in Sumeragi? What if- I stab him in the eye and tell you his wish is different from what you think? Now? Yes, that's what I thought. My match making job here is done" *made it 10 times worse*

Favourite headcanon: he has a thing for beauty. Aesthetical antique, pleasant looking decor, new suits, eye captivating people, all of the best class. He sees no reason to hold back his interest and indulgens as he's getting paid well enough as an assassin. Whatever he wants to own he'll have it. Although what he doesn't realize is that all of that serves as a substitute for unconsciously sense of vacancy and loneliness in his life; literally something to fill the void as soul feeds on emotional connections with others, on being seen and heard as true self. Of course, he has none of that and is convinced he subconsciously doesn't desire it either.

[katzkinder]

Sakuya Watanuki Headcanons <3

Happy birthday Sakuson!

The first time Sakuya and Tooru met, it was on the front step of Tooru’s apartment while Sakuya was trying to pick the lock on the door while Mahiru watched because he’d misplaced his key. Sakuya wanted to scream because that was not the impression he’d wanted to make on his best friend’s guardian.

Another of the incidents involving Uncle Tooru’s and Sakuya’s ongoing relationship of one-sided fear on Sakuya’s part involves Tooru walking in on his nephew and his dumbass friends trying to pierce Sakuya and Ryuusei’s ears in his living room of all places with a home kit. The day this boy finally learns Tooru is a C3 top dog is the day his soul leaves his body.

At some point he gets a tongue piercing, and his favorite is a little barbel that says “fuck you”

Somebody says something that annoys him and he just. Sticks his tongue out.

“Nice. Real mature.”

He’s naturally clingy in his sleep. Normally this isn’t a problem as he usually just ends up hugging a pillow, but if it’s something like a school trip where he’s in close proximity to a classmate, he might wake up spooning them and prays nobody saw.

If nothing is available for him to snuggle, he tends to curl up into a tight ball to protect his stomach, arms tucked close and hands positioned in front of his face to block anything aiming for it. It’s a habit he’s mostly lost since going to live with Tsubaki and the others.

Speaking of which, when Tsubaki first brought him home, he was absolutely adorable. Awkwardly knocking on Tsubaki’s door in the middle of the night because he couldn’t sleep and hesitantly asking if he minds kind of thing. No one really... Minds his awful personality? Like they’ll poke the bear about it, but truthfully, it makes them glad. At first, Sakuya was so... Quiet. Meek. Skittish. That he mouths off at them, gets loud and is open about how embarrassing he finds them all... It’s proof of how far he’s come.

Despite his punk appearance, he has a bit of a sweet tooth. Once he and Koyuki went to the school store together to buy something for lunch. The vendor assumed that the savory Yakisoba bread was for Sakuya and the sweet pudding bread was for Koyuki and tried to hand the respective items over to the buyer. They took the bags then immediately traded them, thanked her, and went on their way—

He likes to free run! It’s kind of his way of sticking it to his parents. He likes the feeling of weightlessness, and revels in the fact that even if he falls, he’s able to catch himself.

Since so many of the people in Sakuya's home speak something other than Japanese as their first language, naturally he's picked up a few things here and there. Belkia specifically goes out of his way to teach him various swears and insults in Romanian.

When Sakuya was little, his sister would let him play with her hair, and she kept it long even though it was a pain in the neck to deal with because he liked it so much. That hair of hers was the last thing he saw of her before she died-- Even as the years pass and his memory becomes hazier, the one thing that never gets any fainter, though, that stays as crisp and sharp in his memory as the last day he heard it...

"Sakuya... Big sis loves you. You know that, right?"

Watanuki sis usually walked home with Sakuya everyday from school, but during flower viewing season, they'd take a detour to walk along a path that had cherry blossom trees blooming all along it. Sometimes, if she had enough spare change on her, Watanuki sis would buy a skewer of sanshoku dango for them to share. It was the closest they ever got to a real flower viewing party while she was still alive.

Now, in present time, whenever the melancholies go out to have one during spring, Sakuya will ask for a cup of Amazake (sweet sake with very little alcohol content). He doesn't drink it himself... He sets it aside for his sister.

Jumping off of that... Sakuya’s father was an alcoholic as well as addicted to gambling, so he tries to stay away from both of those things as much as he can. He doesn’t care if other people do them, just don’t try and pressure him into it.

To finish off with something funny, sports festival day comes around and he wants to die. The whole group is there. They made a banner. And boxed lunches. They have noisemakers. And headbands.

"Hey man is that your family??"

"Nope, never seen those people before in my life."

"... They have a poster with your face on it."

"THEY HAVE A WHAT?!"

[deeryloo]

this was supposed to be a more general post that looks at the similarities between xxxholic and supernatural overall, and while I still want to do that, honestly the only thing I can focus on today is the overlap between watanuki and dean, so that’s what we’re getting instead. 

i’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a character tragic. what makes their story sad. like, supremely, miserably, bone-achingly sad. and, okay, when i say i’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a character tragic, what i really mean is i’ve been thinking a lot about dean winchester and watanuki kimihiro. im rewatching supernatural with one friend, and im rereading xxxholic with another, and the experience is wild because all my wires are crossing in my brain, because dean and watanuki punch me in the gut in the exact same offensively upsetting way, and i really wanna talk about it.

i wanna talk about how the tragedy of dean winchester is that he spends 15 years stretching, like a rubber band, closer and closer to a realized sense of self, to then be repeatedly snapped back to his shitty self-esteem by the exterior forces on the show telling him (directly or otherwise) that he doesn’t deserve better. and that even after dean breaks completely free of his binds and starts to envision a life for solely just himself, he is left to die on a rusty nail and ultimately does not get to experience anything of that dream life of his own. 

and i wanna talk too about how watanuki spends the first half of his journey learning to see his own value, to respect the ways he impacts others, and to actually begin forming meaningful relationships with the people who care about him, only to ultimately sequester himself into a shop he can’t leave for the rest of eternity while the people he loves grow up and leave or die or marry each other so they can keep having kids for the specific purpose of giving watanuki company, so he, too, gets to experience nothing of a life of his own.

like, it’s their shared endings that do me in. maybe they don’t seem the same on the surface (dean dies and goes to heaven, watanuki lives forever in a multidimensional shop he can’t leave), but i feel like narratively the consequences are the same. the damage to viewers looking for a cathartic release is the same. because dean dying and going to a place where nothing changes, he owns nothing, he works for nothing, means the growth he’s allowed as a character has ended. dean died never knowing what it meant to live for himself. he died never knowing how sweet true freedom--from john, from michael, from amara, from chuck, whoever--could be. and, honestly, i think you could say the same for watanuki.

i really feel like yuuko wanted something else for watanuki. yuuko does everything she can to help him understand that his life has meaning and value beyond his own understanding of himself. she tries to get it through his head that acting like he doesn’t matter, sacrificing himself willy nilly--that hurts people. his actions don’t affect just himself. and despite yuuko (and others! the joro gumo, doumeki, SYAORAN to name a few) spending so much time on this with watanuki, watanuki just doesn’t get it. or he does, but decides not to accept it. and because watanuki is stopped in time, trapped in that shop by the series’ end, the growth he’s allowed as a character ends, too. he literally stops living for himself, instead living only for the faint wish yuuko might come back. and it’s terrible. 

there’s just this sense of lessons not really learned for both of them. dean dances for over a decade with the idea that he deserves to die, even if his deepest wish is to live. he toys with the idea of change, the idea of growth. and of course, he gets it to an extent. but the story never lets him really go for it. he’s given moments that indicate he’s ready for something more than hunting, something more than bloody death, but in the end he dies in a random accident and insisting this was always it for him. so what was dean’s true takeaway as a character? for audiences? did he ever really think he deserved something more? 

and for watanuki, I ask the same. so much of watanuki’s arc is about learning the power of kindness and love when offered to those who otherwise don’t receive it, including HIMSELF. he is told over and over again, and seems to believe himself, that he can no longer make choices for other people on their behalf, nor can he try and undo what others do on his behalf. but I really feel the hope is that in teaching this to watanuki, in teaching the power of his own actions for better and worse, that he will make the kind of choices that aren’t needlessly self-sacrificial, because the damage of those self-sacrificial choices is almost always greater than the benefit. so what are we to make of watanuki’s final choice to stay in the shop? “don’t vanish!” says syaoran, but watanuki does exactly that. he literally removes himself from the world, takes on yuuko’s mannerisms and dress, and quits engaging with anyone who isn’t doumeki and kohane. what is our takeaway then? what does watanuki learn about loving himself when he so easily denies himself a future for the sake a dead woman who is never, canon suggests, coming back?

there’s just such a gut wrenching softness to dean and watanuki. such a sense of perseverance in the face of loss and misfortune that drives me up the wall. and there’s such a clear love for each of them from the people around them, too. we’re all a little in love with Dean Winchester. we’re all a little in love with watanuki kimihiro. I keep thinking of Castiel’s words to dean in “despair.” about how he does everything for love, everyone knows it. and I see in my mind doumeki telling kohane about his secret promise to never let watanuki die alone, like that kitten he held by the river in the rain. just as cas and sam and garth and crowley and so many others are dedicated to dean, so are kohane and himawari and yuuko and doumeki dedicated to watanuki. the loyalty both these men inspire from us readers as well as other characters, because of the goodness of their hearts...it kills me that neither of them get to really see it for themselves. how loved they really are. they catch glimpses, but neither gets a life in which that love can really be lived in. it’s just another layer of tragedy they both carry. dean deserved better. watanuki deserved better. 

I could talk about a lot more, and maybe I will later, idk. the wider themes between the two texts, the parallels between castiel and doumeki, the ideas of hitsuzen and fate. but for now I guess I'll stop here. just looking at dean and watanuki is enough pain for one evening, I'd say. 

[archivistsammy]

i’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a character tragic. what makes their story sad. like, supremely, miserably, bone-achingly sad. and, okay, when i say i’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a character tragic, what i really mean is i’ve been thinking a lot about dean winchester and watanuki kimihiro.  im rewatching supernatural with one friend, and im rereading xxxholic with another, and the experience is wild because all my wires are crossing in my brain, because dean and watanuki punch me in the gut in the exact same offensively upsetting way, and i really wanna talk about it. this was supposed to be a more general post that looks at the similarities between xxxholic and supernatural overall, and while I still want to do that, honestly the only thing I can focus on today is the overlap between watanuki and dean, so that’s what we’re getting instead.

i wanna talk about how the tragedy of dean winchester is that he spends 15 years stretching, like a rubber band, closer and closer to a realized sense of self, to then be repeatedly snapped back to his shitty self-esteem by the exterior forces on the show telling him (directly or otherwise) that he doesn’t deserve better. and that even after dean breaks completely free of his binds and starts to envision a life for solely just himself, he is left to die on a rusty nail and ultimately does not get to experience anything of that dream life of his own.

and i wanna talk too about how watanuki spends the first half of his journey learning to see his own value, to respect the ways he impacts others, and to actually begin forming meaningful relationships with the people who care about him, only to ultimately sequester himself into a shop he can’t leave for the rest of eternity while the people he loves grow up and leave or die or marry each other so they can keep having kids for the specific purpose of giving watanuki company, so he, too, gets to experience nothing of a life of his own.

it’s their shared endings that do me in. maybe they don’t seem the same on the surface (dean dies and goes to heaven, watanuki lives forever in a multidimensional shop he can’t leave), but i feel like narratively the consequences are the same. the damage to viewers looking for a cathartic release is the same. because dean dying and going to a place where nothing changes means the growth he’s allowed as a character has ended. dean died never knowing what it meant to live for himself. he died never knowing how sweet true freedom–from john, from michael, from amara, from chuck, whoever–could be. and, honestly, i think you could say the same for watanuki.

i really feel like yuuko wanted something else for watanuki. yuuko does everything she can to help him understand that his life has meaning and value beyond his own understanding of himself. she tries to get it through his head that acting like he doesn’t matter, sacrificing himself willy nilly–that hurts people. his actions don’t affect just himself. and of course he can make his own choices, but he can’t do so pretending those choices won’t have consequences for others, too. and despite yuuko (and others! the joro gumo, doumeki, SYAORAN to name a few) spending so much time on this with watanuki, watanuki just doesn��t get it. or he does, but decides not to accept it. and because watanuki is stopped in time, trapped in that shop by the series’ end, the growth he’s allowed as a character ends, too. he literally stops living for himself, instead living only for the faint wish yuuko might come back. and it’s terrible.

there’s just this sense of lessons not really learned for both of them. dean dances for over a decade with the idea that he deserves to die, even if his deepest wish is to live. he toys with the idea of change, the idea of growth. and of course, he gets it to an extent. but the story never lets him really go for it. he’s given moments that indicate he’s ready for something more than hunting, something more than bloody death, but in the end he dies in a random accident and insisting this was always it for him. so what was dean’s true takeaway as a character? for audiences? did he ever really think he deserved something more?

and for watanuki, I ask the same. so much of watanuki’s arc is about learning the power of love when offered to those who otherwise don’t receive it, including HIMSELF. he is told over and over again, and seems to believe himself, that he can no longer make choices for other people on their behalf, nor can he try and undo what others do on his behalf. but I really feel the hope is that in teaching this to watanuki, in teaching the power of his own actions for better and worse, that he will make the kind of choices that aren’t needlessly self-sacrificial, because the damage of those self-sacrificial choices is almost always greater than the benefit. 

so what are we to make of watanuki’s final choice to stay in the shop? “don’t vanish!” says syaoran, but watanuki does exactly that. he literally removes himself from the world, takes on yuuko’s mannerisms and dress, and quits engaging with anyone who isn’t doumeki and kohane. what is our takeaway then? what does watanuki learn about loving himself when he so easily denies himself a future for the sake a dead woman who is never, canon suggests, coming back?

there’s just such a gut wrenching softness to dean and watanuki. such a sense of perseverance in the face of loss and misfortune that drives me up the wall. and there’s such a clear love for each of them from the people around them, too. we’re all a little in love with dean winchester. we’re all a little in love with watanuki kimihiro. I keep thinking of castiel’s words to dean in “despair.” about how he does everything for love, everyone knows it. and I see in my mind doumeki telling kohane about his quiet commitment to never let watanuki die alone, like that kitten he held by the river in the rain. just as cas and sam and garth and crowley and so many others are dedicated to dean, so are kohane and himawari and yuuko and doumeki dedicated to watanuki. the loyalty both these men inspire from us readers as well as other characters, because of the goodness of their hearts…it kills me that neither of them get to really see it for themselves. how loved they really are. they catch glimpses, but neither gets a life in which that love can really be lived in. it’s just another layer of tragedy they both carry. dean deserved better. watanuki deserved better.

I could talk about a lot more, and maybe I will later, idk. the wider themes between the two texts, the parallels between castiel and doumeki, the ideas of hitsuzen and fate. but for now I guess I’ll stop here. just looking at dean and watanuki is enough pain for one evening, I’d say.

[yououui]

agency | tw: blood

I kept thinking about how TRC has a habit of forcing the other person in the relationship to make the wish decisions for the dying person (Syaoran paying the price of Sakura’s memories when Sakura is asleep, Kurogane turning Fai into a vampire against Fai’s will) and then started writing, so...

The last time Kurogane had felt blood like this, covering his body, scorching hot like a flame burning down to his very own heart, was when he was a child. When he held his mother’s body close and refused to let go, when he let her blood spill over him in some futile attempt to protect her, even after her breath had already slipped away, even after she had already left him.

He feels like a child again in the worst way he could ever imagine as new blood spills over him, soaks his clothes and sears his hand where it is pressing against a pale, slashed open throat. The other hand, one made with metal bones and synthetic skin, holds Fai’s shoulder and trembles. Perhaps if Fai were an ordinary human, not one possessing incredible magic power, he would have already died. Perhaps there was some bit of vampire blood still running through his veins, keeping him alive for just a few moments longer. Regardless, Fai is not an ordinary human, and he somehow manages to keep dulled blue eyes open, even as he chokes on his own blood.

Just enough time to get help.

“There’s no other way...?” It’s Syaoran that asks, because Kurogane has gone speechless.

In the projection Mokona has created, Watanuki shakes his head solemnly. “This is the only way,” He tells them. “In order for your wish to be granted and for Fai to be saved, the price must be his memories of Kurogane.”

Fai’s eyes find Kurogane’s, once brilliant sapphire dimmed to something almost lifeless. Tears fill those blue-grey eyes, and Fai’s bloodied lips move desperately. “K...” But Fai can’t speak, may never speak again if he manages to survive, and Kurogane’s name turns into a gurgle as blood spills down Fai’s chin.

“I can’t give up my memories?” Kurogane asks, and he can hardly recognize his own voice. In his arms, unshed tears shimmer as Fai tries to say something again, but Kurogane shushes him gently, holding him tighter.

“This is the price,” Watanuki says. Kurogane wants to scream at him, wants to scream at someone, anyone, but all he can do is curl in on himself even more, shield Fai from whatever it is that may cause him more harm, even though right now, that person is Kurogane himself.

“N... ngh...” Fai tries again. The tears finally spill over, slipping from the corners of Fai’s eyes and mixing with the blood that stains his cheek. “K... g...”

Even with his throat sliced open, Fai somehow manages to move his head, a minute little thing, a shake. “No,” He is begging, pleading silently, speaking only through his eyes and the tears flowing from them like the blood at his throat. Fai’s hand is over Kurogane’s, trying to push Kurogane’s hand away, to let the blood flow quicker so he may die before Kurogane can make the deal, but his fingers slip in the wetness, too weak to do anything more than rest over Kurogane’s in some sick and twisted hold. “Please, no.”

Kurogane knows. He knows that Fai would rather die than lose his memories, than lose Kurogane. Kurogane would know that, even if Fai were not here to tell him so. 

But Kurogane also knows that he is not the honorable man he had always hoped to be. He is a selfish man, choosing only what will be easiest on his own heart, even if it robs Fai of everything he wishes for, even if it shreds away any bit of agency Fai has left. Kurogane has known this about himself for a long time, since the first time he had to hold Fai, bloodied and dying, and realized that even if it meant Fai would hate him, resent him, want nothing to do with him, even if it meant Fai was living as if life itself was misery, as long as Fai was alive, Kurogane would take it all upon his shoulders.

At least this time, Fai will not live with the pain of this choice. He will forget, and Kurogane will be the only one left to hurt.

"I’m sorry,” Kurogane says, his voice tight, choking over the words. Fai’s eyes grow wide in fear, but his protests go unheard and ignored.

Kurogane kisses Fai’s forehead, then turns to Watanuki.

--

Kurogane sits with his elbows on his knees, his face hidden in his hands. His eyes peer down at the sterile floor through his fingers, dry and irritated, unable to shed tears anymore.

“He’s okay.”

Kurogane doesn’t need to lift his head to know it’s Tomoyo speaking to him. Not his Tomoyo, not his princess, but the Tomoyo of Piffle, the only place with the technology advanced enough to save someone with a wound so severe. 

“Kurogane?” Tomoyo tries again when Kurogane does not answer. Her small hand lands on his shoulder and she sits on the empty chair beside him. “He’s okay.”

Kurogane lowers his hands and lets his head hang. He should be relieved that Fai is okay, but then again, he knew that Fai would be okay. He knew, because he paid the heavy price to ensure it. Now, he’s left to mourn a person that has not died, but will never return.

“Syaoran told me what happened,” Tomoyo says softly. “Kurogane, I’m so--”

“Don’t apologize,” Kurogane tells her, his voice rasping. “You saved him.” The breath he releases is a shuddering one, one he has to force from his lungs so he doesn’t get stifled by it. “His voice?”

“He won’t be able to speak for quite a while,” Tomoyo tells him. “But it will return, with time. Though I don’t think he’ll retain his singing talent, though.”

Kurogane snorts. “He never had any to begin with.” His voice shakes even as he tries to lighten the moment. Somehow, it only makes his heart feel heavier.

Tomoyo smiles at him. “Would you like to go inside? He won’t be awake for a while, but he might feel better if you’re there when he does.”

Kurogane feels sick. “He won’t even recognize me.”

Tomoyo takes hold of Kurogane’s hand. “No,” She says with a nod. “But the body remembers. It will be comforting for him to have you there, even if he has forgotten. That’s what I think.”

Kurogane does as Tomoyo suggests and decides to wait in Fai’s room, even though his hands shake as he opens the door. Fai’s neck is bandaged, something wrapped over the bandages that is hooked up to wires and glows a strange purple. It helps speed the healing process, Tomoyo had said, though Kurogane does not understand it and only thinks it makes Fai look even smaller in that bed. A mask sits over his nose and mouth, fogging up with each slow breath the machine at his bedside pushes into his lungs.

Kurogane knows that Fai is fine, he’s fine, he’s alive, but the image of Fai, the strongest person Kurogane has ever met, relying on machines to breathe and heal and live is one Kurogane wishes to never again see.

Syaoran, who had decided to take a walk, returns eventually with Mokona on his shoulder, both joining Kurogane in that dark room, waiting in silent vigil. Kurogane is grateful for the company, though he knows that Syaoran most likely would have waited in Fai’s room whether Kurogane were there or not.

It takes hours. They wait for hours, until the sun is beginning to rise on the other side of closed blinds, until Syaoran has dozed off, curled up in his chair and resting firmly against Kurogane’s side. Only then does Kurogane see blue eyes blink open, a rasp of breath that may have been a noice of confusion if that usual lilting voice had been working, a trembling, weak hand reaching up to touch at the bandages around his neck.

Fai stares up at the ceiling, his hand falls back to his side, and he turns his head towards the chairs. He eyes Syaoran first, Mokona sleeping in his lap, then his gaze moves, blinking slowly as those eyes settle on Kurogane.

Kurogane knows that wishing will do nothing but breed misery, but still, he can’t help the flicker of hope that recognition will shine in those beautiful blue eyes. He says nothing as Fai stares at him, just looks back at him, his own eyes soft as he waits for something, anything.

Nothing comes. Fai just looks at Kurogane in what could be curiosity, blinks weakly, and then his eyes flutter shut as he is pulled back into unconsciousness.

Kurogane shuts his eyes and takes the misery.

[plounce]

i was talking earlier today about how watanuki & doumeki’s eye trading is symbolic of them changing how the other sees the world/themself etc and hmmm... now im thinking about fai’s eye stuff. clamp uses a lot of eye trauma in their works: it is evocative, it has a real sense of intimate violence, and it has visual motifs that are interesting and intriguing (eyepatches, scars, eye color, etc). moreover it has a lot of symbolic weight and can mean a lot of stuff. i don’t want to talk about tokyo babylon/x1999 because *strangles clamp* but for fai...

when i talk about what went down in tokyo i often use the term “retraumatization” for fai and also kurogane. for kurogane it’s along the lines of “this is meant to deliberately mirror his backstory which helps set up his character arc”, but for fai it’s that a lot of his worldviews that he had slowly been leaving behind were suddenly, violently reinforced. being less afraid to grow close to people (to show affection, to fight for them), using magic, believing himself worthy of love - it was happening very slowly, and honestly without the whole shebang of the middle third of tsubasa he probably would never have gotten to the mental health he had at the end of the series.

but in tokyo he tries to protect his family, and it horrifically backfires. he gets power taken away from him over and over again: he cannot control syaoran’s soul staying in his body (though he knew that was futile, but the important thing is that he tried), kurogane refuses to let him die, he gets turned into a vampire, he is stopped from pursuing sakura into the wastes. it’s his (first) lowest point (first of three: the second is the end of infinity, the third is like. all of celes lol) and it’s a high plummet from the fun family times of piffle (and lecourt i guess, but he’s largely absent from lecourt until the end, because lecourt is about kurogane and syaoran)! it’s a shock to the readers and to the characters. but to fai it is a reminder that he isn’t actually allowed to have good things. that he’s cursed, that his fate is to be a walking ball of misfortune. and despite kurogane and sakura beating at his walls that NO YOU AREN’T WE LOVE YOU!!!!! in their help with saving his life, it doesn’t matter. he has spent all of his long, long life with that misery being hammered into him; his road isn’t over yet.

oh right i was talking about the eyes lol. um anyway. his vision is taken away - he is deliberately seeing less of the love his family has, he is closing himself off from them. one eye is covered up with this huge eyepatch that also covers like a third of his face! he’s visually hiding. and what’s funny here is that he’s actually hiding less than he was before: the eyepatch shows us that we know he is now. this is a sad emo bitch! look at his all black clothes!

also through infinity he gets the Sexy Slit Gold Vampire Eye to hauntingly gaze at kurogane with. he is constantly looking at kurogane with this feral, hungry look - that is also a look of deliberate hatred for being forced to live, and to live dependent on him. it’s such a contradiction!! and it’s this glaring show of “kurogane did this and he’s having to live with all the consequences.” but it’s also honest instinct. fai is being forced to admit that he needs kurogane, needs his loved ones, previosly shown in tokyo by trying to save syaoran, in lecourt by teleporting them outta there, in piffle when kurogane said This Bombshell (which is a bombshell only to fai and to like nobody else lmao)

anyway. fai is backed into a corner, and is also shown that You Can’t Have Nice Things, so he hides. he hides SO hard. and then celes happens and all his dirty laundry is dragged out of him by ashura :( and then he’s manipulated into fighting his dad :( and then he still can’t kill ashura and kurogane helps him out :) and then fwr’s bitchass curses kick in again :( and then kurogane SACRIFICES HIS WHOLE DAMN ARM!!!! HIS WHOLE ARM THAT SYMBOLIZES HIS TRAUMA!! AND HOW SUWA FELL BECAUSE FWR FORCED HIS FAMILY TO FAIL!! IT’S SO GOOD IT’S SOOOOO GOOD LIKE IT’S JUST SO GOOD

then we get to the peace of nihon... fai sacrifices the blue of his remaining eye aka his magic. for his whole life fai has been defined by the extreme power of his magic, used and abused and manipulated for it by like everybody (the valerian nobility, fwr, ashura, cloney). and then he gives up what’s left of it in a willing and careful trade for kurogane’s arm. his eyes are his magic! he has suffered so much because of them! and he gives up that source of suffering, he gives up that core of his misery (which he defined himself by - that misery, that curse), and he gives his loved ones that sweet, knowing smile and ”not anymore” ugh. THE GROWTH!

there’s also a bonus layer of fai “clearing away” something from his vision - he is seeing clearer now in his heart, his life, etc. he is seeing things as they truly are: that he has worth, that it is more than okay if he loves people & people love him, that he can change the fate laid out before him.

AND THEN... c!syaoran gives him back the eye with a bonus package of enough magic to return him to his super powerful state. crazy! i still wonder about the mixup of power-sources between fai and c!syaoran. what was that about? i guess the obvious answer is “r!syaoran fucking everything in the whole multiverse up with his reality warping” but that’s fwr’s fault.

fai gets both eyes back as the universe rights itself and most of the series’ conflicts get resolved. it’s part of c!syaoran’s heel-face turn. it’s also a demonstration of “fai has accepted himself for who he is” - instead of having full magic and refusing to use it, fai can now use his magic to the benefit of himself and his loved ones!

i just realized that a lot of fai’s physical imagery kind of has this... horseshoe thing going on? his eyes and his hair. fai starts out with both eyes, lying and miserable; he loses an eye and then the color all that shows us deeper truths of him (as i said above); he ends the series with his two normal eyes and mental health and a bf. fai starts his life with super long scraggly hellpit hair; he has it cut off when ashura rescues him from the hellpit; he goes through the first part of the series lying with short hair; he grows it out to show us the time passage into and the character change of infinity; he ends the series with that long hair, but happy and healthy. i think at the end of the day it simply shows us that fai has changed and grown and gone through a lot over the course of the series.

anyway that’s all i have to say. i’ll leave you with this vintage rob fai meme

[completeoveranalysis]

TRC Translation Notes Volume 20 Part 1 (Chapters 150 - 156)

Here we are again with some excellent translation notes about the first part of Volume 20, all from the wonderful @giniroangou.

Highlights Include: Tube mysteries solved!, Fai’s dramatics actually making sense, wonderful explanations of Fai’s lies, Yuuko Queen of sass, Watanuki will change the future!, a touching Lava Lamp moment, and oh god the Fai flashback gets worse?

Chapter 150

p.9 - Yuuko is still talking about a one-in-two chance here, not two-in-one. A couple of the speech bubbles are also swapped around - first she explains the body/soul separation, then the two worlds Sakura has gone to.

p.12 - Kurogane’s words to Fai are even more straight-forward in the original text. Just: “Don’t hurt anyone else with that sword. Including yourself.”

p.18 - Mokona and Yuuko aren’t talking about the store being different here, they’re saying that the inside of the tube is not in the same place as the store.

p.19 - An alternate translation for the dream world Sakura went to could be “The World of ‘Dreams’.” Once again for clarification, this is NOT in reference to Yuuko’s shop - the inside and outside of that tube are in different places.

p.20 - “My man Lantis” is BEAUTIFUL and I wouldn’t change a thing about it, but unfortunately it’s much less funny in Japanese. Eagle says “uchi no Lantis” which is basically like “our Lantis” - it’s an expression that indicates someone as part of the speaker’s in-group, so it can be used for a family member, a member of an organization, etc.

Lantis doesn’t actually say “I saw the future,” just “I had a dream,” though they would amount to the same thing.

p.24 - I would translate Fai’s line as, “Sakura-chan knew what I was lying about.” It’s not that she knew he was lying but that she knew the truth behind it.

Chapter 151

p.26 - This is a continuation of Fai’s final line from the previous chapter, so the lie Sakura knew about was that Fai knew one of her feathers was in Celes. Also, they dropped the honorific in the translation but Fai is still saying “Sakura-chan.”

p.28 - Fai is saying here that he found out at Yuuko’s shop that Sakura and Syaoran were searching for the feathers but he never told them about the one used to make Chii.

p.29 - It’s obvious from the flashback, but Syaoran is talking about what happened when they all arrived in the first world they were sent to (by Yuuko not Yukito.)

p.30 - Mokona isn’t talking in general terms, but saying specifically that from the moment she awoke at Yuuko’s shop she could sense a feather there but couldn’t tell who in the group had it.

Fai then says to Lava Lamp, “That’s why you kept your distance from me.”

Again, this is not really about Fai lying in general but about the specific lies people around him were already aware of. He’s basically saying to Yuuko, “You knew what some of my other lies were too, didn’t you?”

p.33 - Fai refers to his wish to go with the group as something that was devised/planned - it’s the same word they’ve used previously to talk about Fei Wang arranging for all of them to go on this journey, so I’d assume that’s what he’s referencing here.

p.34 - Kurogane asks why Sakura wanted to go into the tube, not why she’s living there.

p.39 - Slight adjustment: Fai’s saying he wouldn’t mind gouging out his eye if he could, but he can’t because losing all his magic along with both eyes would probably kill him and he can’t die yet.

Chapter 152

p.45 - In case it wasn’t clear, Kurogane is connecting his punch here with his line from the previous chapter about punching Sakura.

p.46 - Yuuko’s criticism of Kurogane after he says, “Hey, Witch,” is much more entertaining in the Japanese version. She says, “On top of being beyond rude, there isn’t a shred of taste in the way you address me.” Kurogane’s comeback is the ever-eloquent, “Shut up.”

p.47 - It’s not actually the meeting between Sakura and Watanuki that Yuuko says will trigger another change to the future, but Watanuki himself.

p.48 - I would change Yuuko’s line about Watanuki vanishing to, “Watanuki hasn’t vanished either” (presumably in addition to Sakura’s soul not having vanished.) Then she says that “for now” Watanuki’s identity has nothing to do with them. It’s an ongoing state that has the potential to change in the future.

p.50 - Lava Lamp says nothing about Fei Wang slicing out Sakura’s memories - he’s saying that Fei Wang wants her body with the dimensional memories etched into it. (This isn’t new information btw - Yuuko already explained it to the group back in Acid Tokyo.)

p.51 - We have another “Syaoran” with quotation marks from Mokona here.

p.52 - Let’s re-translate Lava Lamp’s lines here because they came out super awkward: “The reason I didn’t say anything despite what I knew was that Sakura… the Princess trusted you. Even if you’d lied, the Princess trusted you, lies and all.”

p.53 - Lava Lamp only speaks for himself here; he specifically says “I’m going to trust you too.”

p.57 - Again, we have “Syaoran” in quote marks, this time from Fei Wang. I’m sure everyone’s tired of me pointing these out, so just assume the quotation marks should be there from now on unless I say otherwise. And the translators are very inconsistent with this, but Lava Lamp’s relationship to Clow Reed has so far only ever been denoted with the word “chisuji”/血筋. He’s part of Clow’s lineage, but we don’t know anything beyond that.

Chapter 153

p.62 - Eagle specifically says that he’s offering the clothing as an apology for keeping silent.

p.63 - Kurogane could just be talking about Fei Wang watching them - he doesn’t specify whether it’s a single other person or multiple other people.

p.76 - More precisely, Eagle says here that Lantis lying would have come to nothing.

Yuuko says that the one Sakura saw being “stabbed” in her vision was Lava Lamp. The implication matches what Fei Wang was talking about in the previous chapter - that Sakura put herself in Lava Lamp’s place.

Chapter 154

p.84 - Lava Lamp refers to Sakura’s feathers as both her memories and her heart (“kokoro”), furthering the parallel with Syaoran.

Chapter 155

p.101 - This is actually a complete sentence in Japanese. It contains the same information as the translated version, but since pronouns aren’t necessary it stands on its own and can be assumed to mean, “You killed me.” It’s also written entirely in katakana, which can indicate stilted speech and here I think is meant to just drive home how horrific this is.

p.102-103 - I can see why the translator struggled a bit with these pages because a lot of the Valerian titles are unconventional. The twins’ father is the “teiou” written with the characters for “younger brother” and “king” (弟王), and the other ruler is the “kyouou” written with the characters for “older brother” and “king” (兄王). A little later it’s clarified that the “kyouou” is the country’s king/emperor - the reading of the word is “ou” meaning “king” but the kanji is 皇 meaning “emperor.” The twins’ mother is referred to as “okisaki,” (御妃) which can refer to an empress, a queen, or a princess consort. The twins themselves are called “koushi” (皇子), meaning “imperial prince(s).” It’s kind of hard to tell from all of this what the best representation of these terms would be in English, but I would guess that this is intended to be an imperial family, with either the younger brother next in line to inherit the throne if the older brother has no children or with dual rulers who were reduced to a single ruler once one of them died.

Whatever the case, as has already been explained, the twins’ parents both died and their fate was left in the hands of their uncle (their father’s older brother and the current ruler of the country.) Specific to the official translation, the “elder prince” refers to their uncle the kyouou, and “his majesty” who passed away is their father the teiou. The “royal consort” who killed herself is their mother.

I also want to point out that in this chapter we see the return of the term “fukou,” which we’ve seen Fai use in Acid Tokyo and Himawari use to discuss her effect on the people around her. The official translation often equates this word to unhappiness but as I’ve said before, I think it would be better represented as “misfortune.” Where this translation says that the twins’ mother committed suicide because “life held no joy anymore” I would interpret it as “because she’d brought such misfortune into the world.” Just keep in mind that generally when words like “unhappiness” and “sorrow” pop up in this part of the story, that’s what they’re translated from. Another word that gets used a few times in reference to the twins is “kyouchou” (凶兆), meaning “evil omen.”

p.104 - Though the implied concern here could be the twins taking the throne, the original text just refers to them one day surpassing their uncle’s power.

p.108 - “And the people shall be happy” isn’t necessarily saying that the people are going to be happy about this situation, just that the king believes enclosing the twins in a bubble of their own misery is going to allow the people to live happy/blessed lives. You could probably interpret the line either way though.

p.110 - The king doesn’t just say that one of the twins must die to get out of this situation, but that one must kill the other.

Chapter 156

p.136 - I had left a comment saying the king was telling the twins to pay for their sins rather than atone, but I’m taking that back! There are two words that sound the same when spoken (“aganau”), but depending on the kanji they’re written with one means “to pay for” (購う) and the other means “to atone for” (贖う). In this case, the one used is “atone.” Still horrific though!

That wraps it up for now. I am really regretting doing this by page numbers with all the black pages coming up, but otherwise thrilled to be back in the game! I hope all my babbling has been somewhat informative and as always, please remember that I can make mistakes too so I am always open to questions, suggestions, corrections, etc.

[ikathemadhatter]

Sakuya Watanuki~ ��

First impression: Neutral, at first, until his past was revealed. I liked his attire and the color palette of the character, the shape of his hair as well… I simply thought “Cool character, let’s see if he has a role in the plot“. And indeed he has.

Impression now: MY CINNAMON ROLL I WANT TO PROTECT YOU. Although he’s not one of my favorite characters, I’m quite fond of Sakuya now and I really wish him to find happiness and be loved after all happened in his tragic past. One trait of his I admire of his I truly admire is his loyalty. He’s shown feeling a conflicting loyalty between Mahiru and Tsubaki, though in the end he comes back to Tsubaki. He won’t ever betray Tsubaki because Tsubaki won’t ever betray him, Tsubaki is the first and only person who never lied to him and gave him a second chance to live, to feel. I honestly understand how hurt Sakuya has been when he found out Mahiru has lied to him… Thinking back at that scene I realize how deeply and easily we as humans can be hurt just by a word, just by a single white lie even if it’s just to protect others and how better would be just speaking the truth and trusting each others.

Favorite moment: When he start crying saying he has to come back to Tsubaki, after forgiving Mahiru. In this scene we see how fragile he is and at same time how big his heart is.

Idea for a story: Mmhh… I’ll probably write something silly and funny with Tsubaki in, because I love their bickering and also kinda sweet stupid moments XD

Unpopular opinion: I don’t have one I think…? I only complain about the fact after his arc he was kinda missing, but still we haven’t known better a lot of the Servamp characters so- *shrugs*

Favorite relationship: SakuMahi, absolutely! I think Sakuya needs a person like a Mahiru in his life. Someone who cares and does his best to make him happy and smile and I feel like Sakuya needs someone to open up completely.

Favorite headcanon: Sakuya singing his favorite songs to Tsubaki without showing up and pretending he was singing just to himself 3

Send me a character and I’ll answer!

[windstar27-blog]

Inu X Boku Secret Service (Anime Review)-{First Review}

Ok. Here is my first real attempt at a real detailed (somewhat) anime review. I may make youtube versions of these reviews, if they work out well. Please keep this in mind: I am dyslexic, and as such, my grammar and punctuation are far from stellar. But, I do try my best. Please have patients with me. Review: This anime is from 2012- For Anime: I focus on the art (but not animation or the animation studio), music & sound, characters and story. For Manga: I focus on the mangaka (sometimes), art, characters and story. Review for InuxBoku SS (Anime): My opinion on the opening: “I like it. A lot. It shows the connection between the characters without spoiling much of anything. It tells a story of its own. Indicating that the characters were reincarnated over and over again and are still connected through all of that. Instead of a red string of fate- a red airplane is used to connect the two main characters. In my opinion, a lot of thought went into it. They use numerous camera angles, and several art styles in their animation. They also use light and shadow in thoughtful ways. As for the song: It took me some time to get use to it. I didn’t start liking the opening much until the anime was almost over. On the second watch through: I still liked it a great deal. The lyrics (you would have to look up the translation- as I don’t feel like posting them here) to the song (called “Nirvana” by MUCC) match both: The feel of the anime, and the relationship between the characters (especially the 2 leads).” Characters (I will just mention the main cast): Ririchiyo Shirakiin: She is my favorite of all the characters. Mainly, this is because she is similar to me. Like Ririchiyo, I can be difficult: my shyness, depression and just plain awkwardness causes this. This causes issues between myself and others. That aside- about her characteristics: She is the main character. Without getting TOO into the issues that would be spoilers: She is 15 at the start of the story. Soushi Miketsukami is her secret service agent that she had assigned into her when she moved into Maison de Ayakashi (Ayakashi Kan or Ayakashi Hall)- which she moved to, in order to be alone. That did NOT work in her favor. Ayakashi Kan is an apartment complex where half-blooded youkai reside. They work to protect each other from full-blooded demons. This girl is in CONSTANT distress about not being able to properly communicate with those around her. She always second guesses her actions and words; several times and can sometimes become quite a basket-case when worrying about something she has said or done after the fact. This is MOSTLY due to the fact that she was severely abused by those around her, while she was a child. When she arrives at Ayakashi Kan she meets Renshou (another part youkai, like herself - whom she had known as a child) who is a few years older than she is. After that, Chiyo met his secret service agent: Nobara. Then she met and befriended (awkwardly) Karuta. A girl who was about her age, who was also a SS agent at the housing complex. Chiyo later met and befriended others. Though, she was only able to befriend them because they were pushy or stubborn and would not take: “leave me alone” for an answer. Left to her own devices, she would have likely lived alone for the rest of her life. She is the first (and only) character in Japanese anime and manga to be classified as a tsunshun instead of tsundere because she gets depressed (shun) instead of becoming loving/affectionate (dere) after behaving initially (tsun) cold (and sometimes even hostile) way. Soushi Miketsukami: At first, my main impressions of him were: He’s an annoying doormat. It’s likely that I thought of him like that because my personality is SO similar to the heroine’s and…. That’s what she seemed to have thought of him. Though; It took much longer for me to start liking him, than it did for her. And she liked him far more than I did, at the end of the anime: lucky for him. He is descended from the 9 tailed fox demon, like Chiyo and the others at Ayakashi Kan, he is an atavism (a throw back) to his demon ancestor. Because of that. He shares the soul, personality (though his ancestor was likely NOT a doormat) and the appearance of that ancestor. He is one of the most powerful human born demons at Ayakashi Kan. Aside from being a doormat- he is generally polite, gentle, a bit perverted and somewhat manipulative. He has a soft spot for women, Chiyo especially. Extremely subservient: he blindly follows her orders (sometimes begging for an order or abuse of some sort, much to her horrified dismay) like the loyal dog that everyone wants to kick. He puts Chiyo’s life above his own. He has a sad past- like Chiyo he was abused by his family- though in a different way. Soushi was more neglected than battered, as she was. He has dual-colored eyes (Heterochromia iridium). One being blue, the other being gold. Renshou Sorinozuka: He is my second favorite. Renshou is a boy of about 17-18. Very good-looking and lazy (though he prefers laid-back). He is considerably darker skinned than the others. And has a “tattoo”-like birthmark running from just under his left eyebrow, to his jaw and down his throat. He also has a related birthmark on his left bicep. He is part Ittan-Momen youkai (a cloth monster). His secret service agent is Nobara, a yuki-onna…. But, she hates men. Of any sort. Which is unfortunate, because he appears to have some feelings for her. He treats Chiyo (Ririchiyo) like a little sister. Considering that they knew each other as children, and he is only a few years older than she is, that is understandable. Her SS Agent: Soushi Miketsukami calls him: “Big-Brother”. Nobara Yukinokouji: She is Renshou’s SS Agent at Ayakashi Kan. Nobara is a Yuki-Onna (A snow Woman). She greatly dislikes men. And has a…. Extreme fondness for the females in Ayakashi Kan. She does not seem to be in love with any of them. Just interested in their…. Assets: She loves fashion and girls. She wears glasses, and has white/blonde hair that falls to her shoulder blades. In her free time she likes to see adult magazines with beautiful women, and she shares and discusses those with Sorinozuka: That’s one thing that interests the both of them. She often does exhibit a very focused and straightforward demeanor (despite what I previously stated), although she will also occasionally participate in some of the group’s silly antics from time to time. Banri Watanuki: He is the same age as Ririchiyo and Karuta. Banri is a Tanuki atavism youkai and his personality is somewhat like Ririchiyo’s in the fact that: he often says the opposite of what he really means. He is most often impulsive and very outspoken. Watanuki labels himself a “delinquent”- Though he is really anything but. He is a childhood friend of: Karuta, Soushi, Natsume and Kagerou. Although, for the last 2 he was more like a play thing, than a “friend”. He hates Soushi and considers him his “rival” because the fox called him “Cute” in their youth. Watanuki never forgave Miketsukami for that. The Tanuki is in love with Karuta, and is easily (understandable) frightened by Kageru. Karuta Roromiya: She is the same age as Watanuki and Ririchiyou: 15. Karuta is the SS Agent for Kagerou- however he is rarely in Ayakashi Kan. So, she is often left to her own devices. She is ever hungry and curious. Soft spoken as well. Even though she seems spaced out, she is quite clever and well knowing about important things. She is the atavism for a Gashadokuro (starving skeleton) who passed its blood down the line in her family. As such, she can take on the form of a massive skeleton and can do quite a lot of damage when she needs to. Zange Natsume: Natsume, just like the others, is a half youkai. He is a Hyakume (100-eyed demon). He is the SS Agent for Watanuki and likes to tease him and play tricks on the Tanuki. Natsume has an overly cheerful personality and knows more than he lets on, most of the time. He wears a headband with bunny ears. Natsume is particularity fond of Soushi- Calling him: “Sou-Tan” in an affectionate manner. He has reddish hair and wears a bandage over part of his face to hide extra eyes. In his youkai form, he has eyes all over his arms and an eye in each palm of his hand. Kagerou Shoukiin: He is Karuta’s partner and the former master of Soushi. He is also Ririchiyo’s fiancé. She has no feelings for him, and he does not seem interested in pushing the issue. The man can often be bossy, blunt, arrogant, eccentric and narcissistic. He usually addresses the other members as “pigs”, “animals”, “human toilets” or “bitches”. A total sadist who goes on and on about S&M….. He can be QUITE annoying to all (Other characters and the viewer). Note: I won't go into the ships (canon or otherwise)- because that would be getting into spoiler territory. If I do youtube reviews, I MAY try to go a bit into spoiler territory. But, I'm not promising anything. As for the story itself: The anime is mainly there to draw your attention to the manga. The mangaka: Cocoa Fujiwara died a year after she finished the manga for this series. She died from complications with an illness. So, the manga IS finished. However, the anime is NOT. The 12 episode anime covers about 9.5 of the chapters. The first 18 chapters of the manga are actually the prologue- so the anime does not really get into the story much at all. I liked the anime, and I am reading the manga, however, I am personally finding the manga a bit boring. So, I am slow at reading it. What the anime DOES do: it introduced the main cast and side characters, and show us some of their personalities. It’s a fun watch. There really are no major conflicts, though because it only covered half of the prologue. Ririchiyo and Soushi are the focus, and how their relationship grows, is as well. They have to overcome their insecurities together. If you watch the anime, it may leave you feeling satisfied with that, or it may leave you wanting to read the manga. wanting to read the manga. Though, it did not compel me much to read the manga, I was curious. Others may see it differently. The manga was in a shounen demographic (shounen, shoujo, josei, seinen- none of them are genres. I find it really annoying when they are used as such. They were labels (changed into genres in the west) for the demographic that they were marketed to) magazine- so it is considered a shounen. Though, it feels more like a shoujo when you read the manga or watch the anime. The ending: Each episode features a different “character song”- most of them bored me. I really liked the one from episode 7: “Taiyou to Tsuki” by Renshou’s CV: Yoshimasa Hosoya & Nobara’s CV: Youko Hikasa. Otherwise, they weren’t really all that interesting visually or musically to me. Often part of the episode continues after the ending song/credits. So, you shouldn’t just stop the episode and go onto the next one, if you are bored by the ED. Just skip past it.

[dainarps]

Three Parts of a Whole

Two kingdoms apart

But meant to be one

Two parts of one whole

The moon and the sun

A union for three

And peace shall be won

Together as always

The moon and the sun

Yukito had heard the ancient prophecy hundreds of times over the course of his life, but had never understood what it meant until the notice came down from Clow Reed himself. Clow Reed, in the before times, had created the kingdom of the moon to watch over the darkness, to live in the shadows, and thrive in the night. His lover, Yuuko Ichihara, created the kingdom of the sun to complete the circle, making a kingdom that would thrive with nature and light.

The kingdoms are getting restless. A union between the moon and sun kingdoms has been requested. Know this: if the union is not achieved, war will befall both kingdoms.

It didn’t give Yukito much room to say no. Either he was going to marry the prince of the sun kingdom, or he was going to doom the country to war. Yue, however, had been none too happy about his decision to say yes—though, he didn’t exactly want the world to plunge into war, either. This was obviously the better option, but what Yukito didn’t realize at the time of signing the agreement, was that he would have to marry the sun prince as well. Yukito had summoned him as a child of only ten, spending nearly two full days trying to complete the process of summoning a familiar—something only the royal family could do. He offered out a piece of his heart to help in his creation, the rest of him had been born of nothing but magic leftover from the birth of the kingdom. He had been at Yukito’s side ever since, both because he had chosen the boy’s heart, and because he wanted to be there. Although Yue had a consciousness of his own, from that day, he and Yukito were tied. He felt the tug on his heart when Yukito traveled too far without him, the pain in his chest when he experienced sadness or heartbreak, the warmth of his happiness. When Yukito child, Yue had acted alongside the high priest, Fay, as members of the royal council, assisting the prince in making the proper decisions and learning how to rule. This often required meetings with other governmental leaders, and occasionally, with the person who had brought their kingdom out of the darkness and lit it daily with the light of the moon—the source of his power.

Clow.

The name alone sent a shiver down his spine, and Yue knew that it had never been his place to fall in love with him, but he had done it regardless. He watched him from afar at meetings, even mingled with him at parties. He was certain Clow knew, but he never said a word. This was something that they would both have to keep to themselves. In the same respect, though, that didn’t mean Yue wanted to give his hand in marriage to someone else.

It would be complicated, especially once Yukito’s feelings for the other prince started to change. Yue knew that he would feel those same feelings, and that his heart would be pulled along in that direction. If the sun prince wanted to marry all of Yukito, too, he would have to take Yue. Part of Yukito’s heart resided in him, keeping him alive as long as Yukito lived. Not to mention, Yukito was convinced that poem was about the two of them, and the sun prince, as well. Yue didn’t know what to believe.

“Now, it’s going to be about two weeks of travel. On the first morning of the second week, you’ll have arrived in the kingdom of the sun. Things are a bit different there—the moon almost never rises. It’ll take some getting used to—“ “It’s only fair that we move there,” Yukito interrupted his chief of staff, Watanuki. “So, even if there’s an adjustment period, it’s okay. He doesn’t know that he’s marrying two people come wedding day, so if we can keep him comfortable, I think that would be ideal.”

Watanuki sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I still can’t believe that slipped your mind, your highness. Of all the things…” Yukito laughed and rubbed the back of his head. “I’m still young! Very new to this princely thing.” “Yukito, you and Watanuki are the same age, 18 years, and Watanuki still manages to be far more responsible,” Yue said.

Demonstrating the point he had just made, Watanuki had moved to count the number of pieces of luggage, making sure that everything was there from the prince’s wardrobe to the betrothal gift.

“See?” Yue said.

Watanuki’s cheeks pinked a little and he turned to face them, shaking his head. “No, no, that’s not true. I’m just doing my job.” Yukito laughed and stood from his chair, patting Watanuki on the shoulder. “Don’t be modest. You know you go above and beyond! You keep my schedule, my meetings—you even know where my glasses are if I put them down somewhere different! And that is why you’re my chief of staff—and why you’re coming along with us.” Watanuki had no family—this position was all he had. Watanuki, Fay, and Yue would be the only ones staying with him after the ceremony. They were the closest to him, and he wasn’t sure how he would survive without Watanuki’s and Fay’s aid.

With the luggage packed, and the caravan ready, they set off early in the morning, the full moon above them blessing their trip. Citizens of the kingdom gathered along the route, waving and cheering and hoping to get a glimpse of their prince—who happily waved at everyone they drove by, smiling so much that Yue didn’t know how his lips didn’t fall off.

The reactions of citizens when they reached the kingdom of the sun was a bit different. People still gathered along the route, but it was almost as if they were a sideshow to the circus. People wanted to get their first look of the new prince and make their judgements and guesses about him. Of course, they had heard some things—that he was a bit forgetful, absolutely kind, and of course handsome, but that was all they knew. Yukito knew as much about Prince Touya as his citizens knew about himself. He had heard that Touya was a bit firm and stern, but had been known to have a soft side, especially when it came to his sister. Yukito liked that—family was important.

The transition from his own kingdom to the sun kingdom took a toll on everyone in the caravan. The heat was excessive to them, having spent most of their lives in chillier temperatures, and the fact that the sun was still up when it was time to rest bothered them quite a bit. Yukito ended up sleeping almost entirely under Yue, who burrowed himself beneath blankets and pillows to block out the sun. Yue’s magic was dependent on the moon, and though the moon still existed, and he could feel its strength, the sun made him feel weary.

They arrived at the castle a little less than a week before the wedding, and servants from both the caravan and the sun kingdom arrived to assist with placing guests and luggage. A temporary room had been prepared for each of the guests, who were escorted by a servant of the castle. Yukito explained that Yue would be staying with him, and although he received a funny look, it was allowed. The room was probably supposed to be inviting, with bright colors, a large bed, and plenty of space, but it just felt strange to both himself and Yue. There were going to be so many things that they would have to get used to from now on. Yukito began unpacking his belongings, until Watanuki arrived and practically shouted at him for touching his things and doing work that was meant for someone else. It made Yukito a bit uncomfortable to think like that, but he stepped aside anyway and let Watanuki do his job. “You’ll be having a formal meeting with the prince of the sun kingdom this evening. I’ll come to fetch you, but here,” Watanuki retrieved a time piece from his pocket and tossed it to Yukito. “It’s difficult to tell time here, so use this. It’ll need to be wound occasionally, so keep an eye on it. Now, for the formal meeting, I suggest wearing your robes and the small, silver circlet—Yue, I recommend you wear one as well. Yukito is positioning you as an equal here, and in a few days, due to marriage, you will be. So, you might as well start acting like it…”

Watanuki laid everything out for them both, Yue getting increasingly uncomfortable as time went on. He was dressed in formal robes, given a dainty crown to wear, and when he looked at Yukito and realized he was wearing very much the same thing, he nearly felt ill. They weren’t supposed to be on the same level. He was supposed to be here to serve Yukito, not act as the second prince of the moon kingdom… As promised, Watanuki arrived at their door in the evening to escort them to the meeting, walking them down the halls, somehow already knowing the layout, explaining to them how the meeting would just be the three of them, dinner would be served, and the time afterwards would be spent as free time should they want to spend more time together.

“I’ll be just outside the door if you need me,” Watanuki said, pushing the door open and holding it there for both of them. “Remember, be nice,” he added, looking pointedly at Yue as he walked past him and into the room. Watanuki shut the door behind them and took up post outside it, doing his best to look like he belonged there. He blended in with the people of the sun kingdom well enough, because of his hair, though his eyes were a dead giveaway that he was different. Yukito was pleased to find that, indeed, the table had been set for three. Word was getting around, then. He hoped that Prince Touya hadn’t heard of this little…dilemma yet. He wanted to be the one to tell him, and apologize for his error. Yue stood beside Yukito, and slightly behind him. The room certainly was private, with large, open windows lining one side, allowing for the sun to shine in and for a breeze to tousle their hair. Were it not for the fact that he felt so exhausted by the change, he might even go so far as to say the view was beautiful. In the distance there were sand dunes, hinting at a desert, but for as far as he could see in other directions, there were luscious tropical forests, green grass, stucco style buildings and beautiful flowers in the garden just outside. Perhaps when he had the chance, Yue would go spend some time out there. Perhaps...this wouldn’t be so terrible.

[dainarps]

Watanuki yelped as Doumeki tugged the blanket over his head and he reached to grab it too late...and of course Doumeki had to say something that made it worse.

“Cute?! There is nothing cute about it! Look at me! I look...sick or something!” He fluffed his wings out for emphasis. They were splotchy and weird, however they were...bigger. In fact, he didn’t really know how to handle them. They got in the way as he sat up, they felt heavy... But in a way, it was a good thing. His wings were growing — he was growing.

But that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it!

Doumeki was kind enough about it, until he decided he wanted food and Watanuki had to cook it. It was a little uncomfortable, at first, to leave the room. But, as usual, once he was by the stovetop he was himself, cooking enough food to feed the army of people in the house, plus some for Syaoran. But, when he and Doumeki went to deliver the different plates, Syaoran still wasn’t awake. His brow was furrowed and his skin clammy. He, and by consequence, Doumeki, volunteered to watch over him for a while. Watanuki didn’t know him, but there was only so much time two men could sit alone in such a depressing place. He shooed them off — shouting at them to leave as Fay began cooing and ruffling his wings. The feathers will still standing on end when he sat down on the floor, looking mighty irritable. Now that they started to change, they better hurry it up.

—————

Kurogane tugged lazily on a stick that Ginryu had found in the yard, pulling it gently while she tried with all her might to steal it from him. When he did manage to get it, he tossed it a few feet away, letting her run through the grass to retrieve it. It was early evening, and her paws left marks in the dewy grass.

“He’ll get better,” Kurogane said, glancing up at Fay from his spot on the ground. “No use worrying.” Though that was easier said than done, especially as the world around them shifted with an unnatural breeze. Kurogane cast his gaze upwards, eyes narrowed at the sky.

“What in the hell was that?”

—————

Sakura tumbled through the air only briefly, her wings catching her and keeping her afloat. She’d never gone through the gate before — technically, she wasn’t allowed. There weren’t even any gates readily available where she lived! She’d had to go and make one herself. It wasn’t too difficult, especially when she had such a strong reason for coming here.

Syaoran had told her where he was going — he’d had no choice, really. Someone had to cover for him. She knew that Kurogane held a special place in Syaoran’s heart, and she sent him off with nothing but good blessings in finding him. So then, when he didn’t return after a full earth day, people started to get suspicious — and Touya didn’t appreciate being used as a scapegoat as for why Syaoran was missing. So...if he wasn’t coming back, she would have to go get him herself.

She regained her balance and stared down at the city below her, full of twinkling lights and buildings taller than she could have ever imagined. To think that this is what they were told was primitive! It was amazing! The buildings and streets below, filled with lights and moving objects and people — she never would have thought that humans would have come this far.

Sakura had been human once, and she had lived a blessed life. But when she was human, their homes had been made of wood and reeds — nothing like this. It was...amazing! Some of the lights even came together to form moving pictures, with people drinking brightly colored liquids in bottles. What even was that? And what were those wheeled things? People were inside of them!

Her curiosity demanded to be sated, but first...Syaoran. It didn’t take but a moment for her to find a thread of his soul, and when she did her eyes widened in alarm.

He was so weak.

Her wings spread wide and she took off like a bat out of hell — or an archangel out of Heaven. If anyone with the right kind of sight looked up, they would only see a bright white blur, moving too fast for them to even get a good view of what she was.

She didn’t know how far she’d flown, or where she even was on the planet, but she was getting closer — she could feel it in her soul. Then...she saw it. A huge human home, filled with warm lights and dozens of bodies — not humans, though. Something else. She didn’t know what, though. The world was filled with all kinds of creatures, and while these ones certainly had power, they weren’t angels. But, demons didn’t live in houses. They lived in places where negativity blossomed and grew, they roamed the landscape mindlessly, searching for something to feed their undying hunger. This...was someplace else, and it was exactly where Syaoran was.

There was something else troubling about it, too. The place was encapsulated in a dome, pulsing with dark magic. Whatever was in there was strong, and it didn’t want anyone else in.

She drew her sword, blue flames licking the sides, and on her arm appeared a thick, heavy shield, which she held with ease. If Syaoran was in there, then she had no choice.

She reached her sword out and touched the tip of it to the dome. Her flames spread out over the surface of the dome like lightning, cracking and shattering it into bits. She didn’t want to hurt anyone — that wasn’t who she was. But, they had Syaoran, and she would do what it took.

dainarps‌:

It was difficult to stay on top of the reading, when there were so many other places his mind wanted to be right now. Sitting like this with Fay made him wonder if this really was how friends spent time together. It had been easier to keep his distance when Fay was angry at him — he knew then that those lines couldn’t be crossed, and he knew what would earn him a “no.” Now, though, Fay had opened a whole new door. He’d sat in his lap and leaned against his chest. He let him hold him and rest against his shoulder. Where did they go from here? What did that mean?

“It was good,” he said, not budging an inch from his position. “Different from what I’ve read before.” Comics were a relatively new human invention, and while he’d read adventure stories in the past, this was such a different experience…and he’d enjoyed it.

After a moment longer of just enjoying their closeness, Kurogane lifted his head and turned to look at Syaoran. He was resting peacefully at this point, though he did twitch his wing on occasion.

“Maybe we should get a chair,” Kurogane said. “I have a feeling the kid’ll feel weird if he wakes up and we’re sitting like this on his bed.”

—————

Watanuki was…disappointed. Yes, that was what this feeling was. He didn’t want to admit why he was disappointed, but he definitely was. He really was being…babysat again. If Malchik wasn’t, essentially, about to die, Doumeki wouldn’t even be here. Maybe his concerns should be more focused on Malchik, and the fact that he was, very obviously, going through something painful and terrible…but there was nothing he could do to save him. All he could do was hope that Malchik was capable of saving himself. Like Doumeki said, if he went down there to see him, he’d just be a lovely little angelic buffet.

So then…it was okay to be disappointed that Doumeki was here to babysit him, rather than here to do, well, boyfriend things.

Not that Watanuki wanted him to do boyfriend things! That was the last thing he wanted. No, he definitely didn’t want Doumeki to sit in bed with him, and he absolutely didn’t want to kiss him again.

As a matter of fact, he wasn’t even actually bothered that Doumeki was here to babysit him! That was perfectly fine! It was fine. Doumeki could do whatever he wanted! If he wanted to sit all the way over by the window alone in a chair, then so be it!

By the time Watanuki had come to that decision, he’d been glaring daggers at Doumeki for a full three minutes.

“Well, fine then! You keep watch! That sounds just great and I hope you have a great time!” Watanuki snapped, giving Doumeki one last glare for good measure before setting his mug aside and pulling the blankets completely up over his head. Stupid Doumeki. He didn’t want him to join him in bed anyway! That certainly wasn’t what he was expecting when Doumeki followed him to the room. This was absolutely fine. It was just what he wanted!

We. Not ‘you should get a chair’, or even possibly, ‘we should get some chairs’, no double plural,  just straight up first-person plural combined with a singular item, and Fay was pretty sure that that wasn’t a grammatical slip up. The arm hadn’t budged yet. Even when Kurogane mentioned the chair, his hand remained firmly planted on his waist, as if he meant to keep that position even when they moved together to said chair, and Fay wasn’t sure what to think about that.

Once upon a time, he used to be the bold one. There was a time when Fay was the one making Kurogane blush with his bluntness, the one that happily crawled up to his lap, stole kisses from him when there was someone right behind the door, whispered sweet, forbidden temptations into his ear…..and now, several millennia later, he was sitting on Kurogane’s lap again, but with his heart lodged in his throat, and with an incredible and rather abrupt urge to stretch out his wings to get rid of the accumulated tension in his muscles. Maybe he was just out of practice — a few millennia completely devoid of romance and sex did that even to the smoothest of men — , but Fay felt younger and more experienced now, than he’d felt back when he was just a young, four hundred years old angel, head-over-heels for a buff, grumpy guide that expressed his affection through harsh head-ruffles that nearly ripped the hair off his scalp.

“Kuro-tan is the one keeping me hostage with his big, heavy paw!” Fay whined, making a show out of trying to wiggle out of his grip, even though they were both aware that he could just easily puff out of existence at any moment. “As humans say; give the puppy a bone, and he’ll want the whole steak!”

_________

Doumeki wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t help the feeling that he was being heavily judged—he mused to himself, holding firm eye contact with Watanuki’s confusingly intense glare. Wonder why. The glaring lasted about three long, confusing and highly uncomfortable minutes, and by the time it was over, Doumeki’s perplexion was off the roof and Watanuki was bundled up in the angriest blanket burrito to ever burrito.  Slowly, Doumeki tilted his head and stared, as if hoping that eventually, the answer would jump at his face and tell him what he’d done wrong this time, according to Watanuki’s weird and absurd own point of view. Watanuki’s now-silently furious burrito gave him no answer tho, and his soul wasn’t of any hep either; all that Doumeki could gather from the agglomerate of tangled up emotions was that he was frustrated, flustered, angry, and….disappointed?

Doumeki squinted. Then squinted harder. And when that didn’t work, he leaned forward, tilting his head even further, until he was a mere inch from falling off his chair while trying to peer at Watanuki’s weird ‘don’t-talk-to-me’ cocoon Sighing and pinching his nose—how come they had only started kind-of-dating a few hours ago, yet he already felt like he was dealing with a grumpy spouse —    Doumeki threw one last cautious glance at the window, and then vanished from his seat— 

—And silently reappeared  on Watanuki’s bed, right beside him. “….You’re doing the thing again.” Doumeki grumbled, prodding the bundled up mass with sharp pokes.  “The thing where you bottle up and think stupid things, and then pretend everything is fine.” He clarified, squinting harder as if the lack of distance would make it more effective. “Idiot.”

[dainarps]

Watanuki was beyond uncomfortable. He could pretend to be interested in girls — he’d done it for most of his life. But, double dates, making a good husband, finding a good wife — Watanuki didn’t know how Shizuka handled it. Apparently...he didn’t. He just up and burst out that he was going to move back in with him. Watanuki let out a little squeak and nearly kicked Shizuka under the table.

When? She wanted to know when, and she looked like she was going to stab them with her chopsticks.

“Ah-ha, I’ll just...I’m going to start cleaning up,” Watanuki said, deciding to leave Shizuka and his mother to duke this one out. Haruka stood up, apparently deciding that doing dishes was better than being in the fray.

It was less of an argument and more of a silent war, the two of them exchanging curt words with each other until, eventually, Shino relented, saying something about how it was good for a man to get out and see the world. Though, Watanuki had the feeling that he wasn’t going to be welcome here very much longer, once Shino realized just what sort of roommates they were.

Despite the situation, Shino did walk him to the door that night, and when she was around, she greeted him with nothing but smiles and kind words. He seemed to have done something right at least. Watanuki wasn’t exactly a fan of lying, but he had done it for most of his life. Lying to Shino wasn’t hard, especially if it made things easier. Besides, lying to Shino meant that he got to see Shizuka every day, which was important. He still felt the fear and insecurity of him disappearing at any moment, and just being able to see him helped ease that. When she wasn’t around, though, he and Shizuka were doing one of two things...and neither of them involved just looking.

The first thing was that they were working out. They utilized every aspect of the living room, and eventually the yard. They walked to the road and they walked back. They walked up the stairs to the temple and back down. Shizuka was pushing himself to the very limit. They researched everything they could to both build up Shizuka’s leg muscles and his arm strength. He needed to both be able to stand, and to support himself on his cane, and they only had a month to do it. There were afternoons where Watanuki had to nearly carry Shizuka back to the bedroom. Which brought them to the number two thing they would be doing.

Watanuki had gotten very, very good at kissing. He knew that if he bit on Shizuka’s bottom lip that he would hum and tug on his hair. He knew that if he climbed onto his lap that Shizuka would touch him more, slide his hands under his shirt. He learned that their hips felt incredible when pressed together, and that teeth felt good against that one spot against his neck, and even better against his collarbone. Kissing...had evolved from just pecks on the lips to something that was less kissing and more thirst for something more. Something that they couldn’t do right now, for a number of reasons.

It was too risky. Shino could come home at any moment, and though Haruka said enough for Watanuki to know that he accepted him, no old man needed to hear his grandson having sex. On top of that, it could potentially jeopardize everything that Shizuka had been working toward. What if he pulled a muscle or strained himself too hard? Then where would they be?

Most important, though, was that Watanuki had no idea how to get from...kissing to...more than kissing. He knew how to do it in theory, but moving past that seemed so intimate and embarrassing. Was he supposed to ask, or just do it? The consent was definitely there — as was the desire. He knew that he wasn’t the only one that went to sleep with pink cheeks at night, and he definitely wasn’t the only one making all the moves. Sure, he might be more touchy, and every now and then he did stop Shizuka in the middle of a sentence or a workout just to kiss him — because he wanted to be sure that he could — but Shizuka was far more handsy. (And Watanuki definitely didn’t mind when he’d touched him through his pants, or when his hand pushed on his back, pulling him closer.)

The progress Shizuka made was remarkable — and Watanuki wasn’t thinking just about how they had gone from just kissing to insatiable hungry makeout sessions against the wall in his bedroom. Even now, walking up the stairs to the apartment, Shizuka didn’t need his support. He was slow, but steady, and that was better than him falling.

“Just one more step,” Watanuki said, standing behind Shizuka arms out to catch him if he stumbled down.

He’d moved everything in yesterday, and today...he was moving in Shizuka. It had been a lot of work, especially after Touya left, but luckily Shizuka didn’t have many personal belongings. He had his clothes and his books, and he’d managed to convince him to bring along his trophies and his bow, though the subject was still sore. Watanuki had taken the time, too, to unpack everything last night. The apartment looked like...a home, and he hoped that Shizuka felt like it was home. Shizuka’s bow hung on the wall above the shamisen’s stand, and beneath that he’d managed to affix a shelf for his trophies. He put all of his books on the shelf, stacking them up any way that they would fit. In the bedroom, he cleared the upper drawers in his dresser for him so he wouldn’t have to bend over, and gave him half of the closet. He’d even gone out and bought a second bedside table for Shizuka. Watanuki had decorated the place to look like his apartment when he first moved in, but now...it looked like theirs.

He pushed the door to the apartment open and helped Shizuka through the entryway and into the home. Having him back here again almost had Watanuki getting choked up. It was strange to see him here, and as if to cement the fact that he was here in body and spirit, Watanuki held his arm a little tighter.

He guided Shizuka to the living room, helping him into his spot on the couch, by the window — the one he’d often caught him leaning out of. Now, he was here again. For a moment, he wasn’t sure what to do with the emotions bubbling up inside him — but then he remembered that he’d prepared himself for this last night.

He ran to the kitchen, and when he came back, he was holding a perfectly decorated cake — vanilla, with matcha frosting. Dark chocolate curls decorated the top, and right in the middle, written in curling script, were the words “welcome home.”

“Shut up,” he said, sitting down and placing the cake on the coffee table. He didn’t cut the cake, or do anything with it. Instead, he just stared at Shizuka, who was sitting there like he’d never left. He was back at his side. He could cook for him every day. Shizuka could make him tea. They could sleep together and Watanuki could know what it was like to wake up in the arms of the man he loved. They would be there for each other’s physical and emotional hardships. They could take care of each other.

Unbeknownst to Watanuki, a smile started to spread across his lips. Finally, Shizuka was home.

And Now I See