#**email me never about this. there's no lore. there is effectively no lore

[bellshazes]

it's interesting to think about video games that attract lore-crafters as sizeable parts of their audience, and the legitimacy of those audiences within the fanbase entire. fnaf attracts this type because its origin as a simple horror game was effective because, in part, it was vague enough to make the horror work. now that it's become a beast of a franchise, the later works have leaned into answering and not answering core mysteries and reviving earlier plot points into narrative zombies. combine this with the explosion of popularity amongst a younger crowd, it's a recipe for a community who sees their favorite game as an encyclopedia brown exercise to be solved.

fromsoft games in the soulsborne+ suite have the opposite problem; the gameplay is not overly concerned with the details of the lore, but the lore is actually voluminous and requires a particular effort that has nothing to do with the gameplay to a) engage with and b) disentangle. the primary legacy of the fromsoft fanbase is "git gud," and fan interactions you're likely to stumble across are usually that angle - but the fraught, ambiguous suggestion of continuity across the dark souls series gives space for creators like vaatividya to arise and become storytellers in their own right. git gud and lorecrafting are not mutually exclusive, but require fundamentally distinct and not inherently overlapping skills; you can finish the game if you're good and still struggle to put the story together, even reading item descriptions. so there's a need and a hunger from people who played the game to have their gaps in understanding filled.

vaati has become an incredible storyteller in his own right - especially with the help of his team. they are cinematic and engaging and thoughtfully researched, almost anthropological or historiographical documentaries of a virtual fictional world shot with a filmmaker's eye. arguably the storyteller who positions themself as authority because they are telling tales originated by someone else is, in fact, the oldest form of teller's legitimacy, at least in english and its predecessors.*

while "theorycrafting" you might find may be qualified with phrases such as "I like to think," or allude to headcanons, the exercise is largely predicated on a search for an objective truth with attention to conflicting details and what it all really means. naturally this is challenging in a medium typically produced by teams of people who are often subject to the whims and wishes of corporate stakeholders and development cycles.

nevertheless, dark souls 2 fans are most curious of all for their obsession with the platonic ideal of DS2 which to many is evidenced by its cut content suggesting alternate concepts squashed by the tight and fraught development deadlines. to many, the cut content of DS2 - but also many other games, both in and out of soulsborne - speaks to a better, more preferable and more enjoyable "truth" that is revealed through the perfection of theorycrafting that deconstructs a game into code and dev tools and reveals its guts, which must say something about its true nature.

what it actually reveals is that these worlds and stories are artificial, narratives whose tensions and contradictions owe both to the in-universe narrators with conflicting interests and the fragmented nature of collaborative programming projects. i am myself not immune to the desire to know how the behind-the-scenes production process affects the final result presented to me, but sometimes things are cut from the final version because it better told the story the author wanted.

which, to my actual point, is really wild being a fan of anything mcyt-related because minecraft as a sandbox game with next to no lore** the story of minecraft is in perfect alignment with the story of the player playing the game. it is whatever story you are telling in the world you are making. and yet there is the constant pressure and/or desire to search for some unifying truth whether that be in analyzing the gameplay features and functions to derive lore from them or by seeking to interconnect every world and SMP into a larger multiverse*** in an effort to solve them. it is, again, encyclopedia brown behavior; fun, but a juvenile way of engaging with mysteries, and specifically a modern one!

this sort of "theorycrafting" or obsession with lore is only possible in a world where authorship confers intellectual property rights, thus illegitimizing the narratives about a narrative constructed by non-authors. it establishes a definitive version to which readers/players are beholden, a thing alien to the contradictory and divergent parallel narratives of pre-modern stories most easily identifiable in arthuriana. it requires active effort to let contradictory narratives occupy the same universe of fiction, even when the text/game suggests that they must through incomplete exposition or the infinite variations of minecraft seeds which have their own unique instances. i wish it weren't so hard.

[felassan]

Article: ‘Mass Effect 3 Could Have Had A Completely Different Ending’

The Mass Effect 3 ending has been a controversial subject for nine years. As it turns out, it could have been completely different.

This article is part of TheGamer’s Mass Effect week. 

Highlights:

This [the RGB endings] wasn’t always the case. According to Mass Effect 3 writer Chris Hepler, the end of Shepard’s story could have been radically different. 

Hepler started working on Mass Effect right at the beginning. Although he wasn’t formally part of the team yet, he did additional design, chipped in for playtesting, and offered a fair amount of writing feedback during development of the first game. He had a much more active role on Mass Effect 2, writing the Codex entries, the Galaxy Map, and spearheading the Cerberus Daily News initiative. By the time Mass Effect 3 rolled around, Hepler was writing EDI, Thane, Citadel missions, and was generally considered to be the project’s “loremaster.”

“The ending relies on space magic, and the lead writer, lead gameplay designer, and executive producer all just embraced that and owned it from the get-go,” Hepler tells me. “‘Any sufficiently advanced technology’ and all that. They wanted and got a really big decision that affects the whole galaxy. If you give it a moment's thought, none of the three options are perfectly moral or the ‘right’ answer for everyone. Destroy may not solve the problem of AI and organics; Control rewards the Reapers; even Synthesis, which is harder to get than the other two and sounds like it'd be permanent peace, basically violates the entire galaxy's bodily autonomy without consent. So that part, I think, works.

“Did it satisfy the fans? Hell, no, not at first, and I found a lot of the criticism to be legitimate. The Extended Cut gave us a second chance to make an ending that acknowledged many more of the players' choices, and was about as good as we could reasonably make given the decisions we'd already made. I felt a lot better about myself and us as a team after the EC came out.”

Hepler explains that fans had observed several hints throughout the trilogy that pointed in completely different directions. For example, there are aspects of the lore that actually lean towards the Citadel species allying with the Reapers in order to collectively tackle a dark energy anomaly, as opposed to the Reapers remaining as the Big Bad right up until credits roll. Hepler confirms that there are explicit lore details that lean into this idea, but that he never personally heard about capitalizing on them. Remember, this is coming from the Mass Effect loremaster - if he says there is lore to back up a dark energy anomaly that only the Reapers can save us from, it certainly exists.

“Now, what would I have done?” Hepler asks. “I wouldn't have done space magic at all. I planned to write three Codex entries on the Crucible rather than one, reflecting on what scientists think it is at first, what it appears to be once construction has really made progress, and a third detailing how it will kill the Reapers, readable right before you return to Earth.”

Hepler explains that he wanted to take inspiration from Nancy Kress’ novel, Probability Moon, in order to have the Crucible use a strong nuclear force as a weapon. Kress’ superweapon is designed to create a massive burst of energy that is completely harmless for objects that have a low atomic weight, like organic flesh made of carbon chains. This means that the vast majority of Citadel species would be virtually unaffected by a blast from this weapon.

Objects with a much higher atomic number, however, would be annihilated by the beam. This weapon is constructed in such a way that it emits life-killing radiation for anything made up of heavy metals. “So cybernetic creatures like the Reapers and husks would have their organic parts fried because they're right next to the heavy metals, but the organic creatures a safe distance away, like a civilian population, would be just fine,” Hepler says.

“The rebuilt Shepard, who had a fair bit of cybernetics, would die heroically, but that was always likely to be on the cards. In talking with Ann Lemay, another writer on the project, we theorized that the metal most likely to be the atomic weight cut-off-point was niobium, which today is used in piercings and surgical implants because it doesn't rust and you can embed it in flesh without ill effects. It's even blue when exposed to oxygen, like the glowing blue husks we've been fighting since [the first] Mass Effect. So it would make sense as a building block for the Reapers and their ultimate weakness.”

So, what happened? Unfortunately, Hepler never got to pitch his ending. The design leads moved lightning quick with their Destroy/Control/Synthesis trifecta, to the point that the whole premise had been approved before Hepler even got around to finishing his second Codex entry. As a result, he hadn’t got a full description of how this pertained to the entire galaxy yet - although looking at it now, it could have borrowed from the best bits of each ending. The Reapers would be neutralized, but the tech would be there. Given that Mass Effect is largely about the coexistence of humans and cybernetic creatures, it would also have had an impact on other aspects of the universe - what would happen to EDI?

“I [also] had some concern that Nancy Kress might notice and sue us if I didn't do my homework,” Hepler says. “And there was no time to do that homework, which would be me telling all the leads to hold off for a week while I exchanged a crap-ton of emails with my subject matter experts. ‘Sufficiently advanced technology indistinguishable from magic’ was far easier and had much more project momentum. “I recycled some of the strong-force-as-a-weapon tech into the Reaper infantry weapon, the Blackstar. In retrospect, I wish I'd spoken up more, or thought it all out faster, but them's the breaks.”

As well as Hepler’s own ending - which obviously never made it into the final game, despite sounding as if it had a lot more hard science behind it - Hepler is a big fan of the popular Indoctrination Theory. However, he was pretty open about the fact that this wasn’t something BioWare consciously designed.

“The Indoctrination Theory is a really interesting theory, but it's entirely created by the fans,” Hepler says. “While we made some of the ending a little trippy because Shepard is a breath away from dying and it's entirely possible there's some subconscious power to the kid's words, we never had the sort of meetings you'd need to have to properly seed it through the game.

“We weren't that smart. By all means, make mods and write fanfic about it, and enjoy whatever floats your boat, because it's a cool way to interpret the game. But it wasn't our intention. We didn't write that.”

[source]

[unladielike]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME: livita (or livi for short)

PRONOUNS: she/her but i won’t be up in arms if you happen to accidentally misgender me. 

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: tumblr ims or discord but i may be slow to respond if the topic doesn’t revolve around my special interest or roleplay stuff

NAME OF MUSE(S): vivian, kensuke hibiki from the caligula effect whose blog you can find here, and a myriad of other obscure muses on my canon multimuse

RP EXPERIENCE / HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): OH GOD... i’ve honestly been rping for a long, long while, but tumblr wise, i think i’ve been at it for eight years now? so my first ever blog was made when i was 17 years old.

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: gaiaonline, quizilla, email, discord (but ended up discovering it isn’t for me), and tumblr

BEST EXPERIENCE: probably meeting/befriending @aaetherius​ tbh. honestly, i don’t ever regret writing with noise all those years ago, because they helped me gain more experience with novella-esque replies and inspired me to play around/experiment with language. ofc, i only ended up settling on a proper writing style after writing with several other partners over the years, but noise was prob the first one i had that made me develop a love for world building and lore oriented headcanons. ofc, i sadly cannot emulate their descriptive, thought-provoking writing, but i like to think my own writing managed to improve partially because of noise.

RP PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS: i seriously have a lot, that i could go all day, talking about them, but the biggest is prob a lack of communication and the ‘i  don’t owe my partners shit’ mentality that is practically rampant in the rpc. ofc, as some of you might know, i’m autistic, so if a partner suddenly ghosts me out of the blue or gives me the silent treatment, especially due to issues with me they never bother addressing, chances are high i would end up softblocking, because i was previously traumatized by someone who did the exact same thing. due to this, i really, really love if a partner tells me stuff and is actually honest with me. like, seriously, i can’t stress enough how much i appreciate someone going, ‘livi do you mind only sending in one ask from one muse at a time?’, instead of internalizing that shit until the bitter end, to the point where resentment builds. but yeah, i had someone claiming i had double standards when it comes to female muses, due to the fact i never once bothered reblogging a promo for their best friend’s female oc... and i’m just ‘first of all, you never asked me to reblog it, and second of all, you have another thing coming if you think i have the attention span to constantly lurk on the dash.’

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: sweats... is it bad i can’t really settle on one? cause i think they’re all great. granted, i need to be in the right state of mind to write smut, but i still love it.

PLOTS OR MEMES: memes, hands down... i’m not against plotting though. i just may not be the best at it.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: both can be good, as sometimes, you might want a more chill rp experience or something shorter to respond to for a change of pace, but if i write three paragraphs, only to receive two sentences back, then that to me seems incredibly lazy. like, yes, i prefer quality over quantity, but there has to be actual effort put into your replies for me to wanna respond.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: basically when i have caffeine in my system, meaning usually after i had finished drinking my first coffee of the day.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): it depends on which muse you’re talking about, because i have more than a few, but considering vivian had first started off a self insert before later evolving to become her own person separate from me, i’d say we definitely have some stuff in common... like us both being autistic and sharing the same birthday. vivian, however, is more extroverted than me, less picky when it comes to food, and not afraid to speak her mind even if it means pissing someone off.

TAGGED BY: @immoralraigan ( thank you for tagging me, bandy! <3333 ) TAGGING: @eliteimperialism / @etoilexdechue / @sadamenai / @afacere​ / @enterthestratosphere​ / @shatterher / @banditborn​ / @hehosts / @dxfiedfxte / @s-talking and whoever else might be interested!

[the1trueanon]

Idea 1: Vanessa quits her job

This idea is based on my interpretation that the Vanessa we see in Security Breach isn't really her; it's Vanny controlling her. Vanessa's consciousness is there, but all that she can do is just watch, like viewing your own life through an old television.

So after the 3-star ending, Vanessa would be left with a job that requires skills that "she" technically never had. She can't just pull up Vannys memories (which i have her being able to do because extra pain :D) because there are no memories of how to do that job, a final "f*ck you :D" to Vanessa from Vanny before she left.

(I feel this needs a bit more of an explanation. Vanny had an instinctive knowledge of how to use any electronic device, courtesy of Glitchtrap/Afton. This meant that she never had to read any instructions for any of the surveilance equipment that she used on the job. She also never looked down at keyboards when she typed the passwords needed to access the security computers sinceVanny had all the passwords to herself. All this means is that when Vanessa looks back at these memories, they are effectively useless.)

So now all Vanessa has left are her own memories of watching herself push random buttons that do random things. It would be like trying to learn how to fly a plane solely by watching someone else do it.

Vanessa also realizes that she'd have to still assist lost children after hours, a thought that truly scares her. It's not because she doesn't like children, no. In fact, I believe Vanessa used to work really well with children due to her former position as a video game tester/coder. This might not make much sense, but is elaborated upon in idea 2.

It is also stated in the game in one of the logs that you can find that she was not recommended for a position as a security guard, so it just makes sense for her to leave afer being freed.

So she would put in her 2 weeks notice, but not before working out some special deal with the plex that allows her and Greg the gremlin of chaos to visit the pizzaplex whenever they want and for any length of time.

As for what job she would try to go back to? It would be her old job of beta testing and coding. She was evidently very good at it based on those cut AR emails. It might sound like tempting fate, but I think that Vanessa would be a heck of a lot more careful this time if she was put back on the VR project. That assumes that the project is still even active.

That way she can make sure that what happened to her, never happens to anyone again.

YES!!! THE RETURN OF GAMER GIRL NESSA!!!

I agree though, I don't think Vanessa would stay at the Plex for long after all of that. I think at this point, depending on how long she's been there under Afton's control, she might have some qualifications now, but definitely not enough to keep going as head of security.

I also just..... don't think it's a job she would actually like. I really feel like Vanessa was supposed to be a lot different, personality-wise. Especially when you think about how she is described (sort of) to act in the AR lore emails. A job as head security isn't just out of her work ability, it doesn't really fit her.

However, while I agree that Nessa would likely go back to game development/testing, I'm not so sure she'd be able to work on the VR project anymore. It's likely that it's out of beta -- Glitchtrap still stowed away, now in every copy -- and is out in the world. Both because it makes sense to me in the timelines between VR, AR, and Security Breach. I don't think Nessa quit testing on the VR game, I more feel that she completed it, either under Afton's control or of her own validation to keep Afton from taking over and doing anything worse (because we love that internal struggle of "do bad things or let the thing that could control you do worse" >:D), and then just never took on another game, instead being forced to take head security position at the Plex.

I do totally agree that she remembers what Vanny did :) Girl's gotta get her new dose of trauma from somewhere XD

[word-scribbless]

Smile Again Part 10

It’s a long one but one of my favorites!

Masterlist | Smile Again Masterlist

Things get a little angsts! But lots of cute too

——————————

About 2 weeks after Y/N and Aaron’s first date the team caught a local case that baffled them all. The Unsub was killing women and leaving notes on their bodies. He was also sending threats to their families. The interesting thing was he was using several languages at once to create a whole new language to write them in. Some of the languages, not even Reid knew and reworking the whole thing would take a very long time.

“Reid can you make any of this out?” Emily said looking at a letter the unsub left at the scene.

“I’m good but I’m not that good, I could work on decoding it but it’ll take me a hours to even figure out the languages used.” He replied.

“We need you in the field, and we don’t have hours.” Hotch said. He knew Reid could do it, but they couldn’t be a man down.

“It’s local, there are tons of colleges around maybe we can find an expert to assist Reid and figure this out.” Morgan added.

“Reid do you know anyone?” Rossi asked, Reid began to think before JJ cut in.

“Uh Hotch I know someone... but you’re not going to like it”

“Who?” Hotch asked. He suddenly had a gut feeling he really wasn’t going to like her suggestion, but he wasn’t sure why.

“Y/N” JJ said, nervously looking at her boss.

“Y/N? Like my-our-your Y/N?” He stumbled out.

“Yeah, our Y/N.” JJ chuckled at how flustered her cousin made her boss. “She’s spent her whole life since age 13 studying languages and what makes them up.” She continued.

“13? Is she a kid genius like pretty boy over here?” Morgan asked, patting Reid on the back.

“I mean she didn’t graduate early, she’s just always been interested in languages.” JJ answered, still keeping an eye on Hotch’s reaction.

He clearly wasn’t excited about the idea of her being involved, but was trying to hid his emotions. He knew she was brilliant and had heard her speak several languages, most of the time just to entertain Jack. He also liked to watch her work when she would bring the books she was translating to movie nights if she was near a deadline. He couldn’t deny working with her would be interesting to say the least, but he really didn’t want her near the types of people they saw. Like usual, JJ saw straight through him and gave him an apologetic, but pleading look.

“You think she could work this language out?” Rossi asked interrupting the two agent’s eye contact.

“I mean she once wrote half a thesis in a made up language to prove her theory on how our brains intupret and learn languages.” Jj shared with a proud smile.

“That’s genius” Reid said.

“Plus, I happen to know she passed a field agent test not that long ago to help out a local department in PA that sex crimes was helping with.” She added quietly.

“Really?” Morgan asked.

Hotch froze and JJ began to explain how even though she didn’t go in the field again after swat, she has volunteered to assist on a few cases with local PDs and the FBI office, but to do that she still had to test and prove she was capable for anything. Hotch knew she was capable of anything at all, but he didn’t want her to have to be in any situation to use those skills.

“I don’t want her in the field.” Hotch said with a strict tone, cutting off the other agents chatter. ‘Hell I don’t want her involved at all’, he thought, but he knew he couldn’t make that decision for her.

“So is that a yes?” Emily asked.

“It’s an I will ask her” Hotch grumbled

Rossi follows behind him as he stomps up to his office to reluctantly call his girlfriend. He loved how brilliant and kind she was. However right now he was cursing that two of his favorite things about her were what made him have to call and ask her to put herself in danger.

“Why doesn’t JJ ask?” Rossi asked with a smirk,following him up the stairs.

“Cause Y/N’ll feel inclined to say yes.” Hotch grumbled.

“And she won’t with you?” The older agent wondered.

“I’m hoping she’ll be inclined to say no to me”

“Have you seen the way she looks at you, I don’t think she ever wants to say no.” Rossi smiled.

“Dave” Aaron warned

“You know I’m right... because you’re even worse.” Dave said causing Hotch to roll his eyes and walk into his office.

Hotch picked up his cell phone to call Y/N, really wishing he didn’t have to, but their case really needed it.

“Y/L/N” she answered. He smiled, she must have been in the middle of work. Answering that way when busy was a side effect of her years in law enforcement.

“You sound so official, should I call back later Ms Y/L/N?” He chuckled. Hearing her voice made his nerves vanish,until he remembered why he was calling.

“Hey you!” She said, voice perking up. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah everything is fine.” He answered but she could tell he wasn’t being entirely truthful by the tone of his voice.

“What’s wrong Aaron?” She asked, fully stopping her work to listen.

“Before I ask this promise me you’ll think about it and not automatically say yes.” He prefaced.

“Oookay” she said skeptically, urging him to continue.

She heard him take a deep breath and sigh.

He dove in to explaining the case and the reason they needed help. He again explaining that she could say no, or even suggest someone else that could help. She listened intently and thought about it even though she knew her answer.

“Of course I’ll help” she said when he finally stopped his explanation.

“Y/N you do not have to do this.” He explained again.

“You want me to say no.” It was a statement not a question and her tone made him wince. He didn’t want her to think that he didn’t think she was right for the job or that she couldn’t take care of herself. He just really didn’t want her near danger.

“I just don’t want you to feel obligated” he sighed.

“I don’t Aaron, I want to help! But just linguistics no tech stuff.” She tried to joke but he knew the seriousness of that statement.

“Deal, you won’t be anywhere near the field if I have anything to do with it.” He chuckled lightly but just like him, she knew how serious he was.

“Did JJ make that rule?” She tried to joke but became more worried when instead of his usual chuckle he just huffed.

“I think your cousin would have you leading the team of I let her.” He said and she caught his irritated tone.

“Aaron what’s wrong?” She asked, not wanting to end the call and agree if he was going to be upset.

“I didn’t want you wrapped up in this.” He practically whispered and it made her heart hurt.

“If you don’t want me to help-“ she began before he cut her off.

“That’s not it Y/N, I’m sort of excited to work with you.” He admitted, making her smile before he sighed, “I just don’t want you hurt.”

“I’ve got you and Jayje and the team to protect me, baby. Plus I’m a badass remember?” She assured him and he couldn’t deny how much he loved the way the pet name sounded from her lips.

“Promise you’ll be safe for me?” He asked

“Yes, do you promise?”

“Always am, for you and jack”

“I know,” she said softly, before continuing with a smirk “So you’re excited to work with me?”

“Mmm it’s really sexy to see you in action.” He admitted in a low husky voice she loved.

There was no shortage of making out and boarder line groaping during their last couple movie nights after jack went to bed but they hadn’t gone past that since the first time. She absolutely loved hearing him talk like this.

“Oh yeah?” She asked and heard him grunt. “The language or the ass kicking?”

“Mmm both, but hearing you speak in other languages, god I don’t know what you’re saying but i love it.”

“ mm buono a sapersi bello” she hummed and heard his breath hitch.

“Be careful with that baby, I’m at work.” He purred

“Mm well after the case I’ll have to explore your love of my work some more.”

“Please do” he cleared his throat then and she laughed

“Oh buniness Hotch is back! Should I head in to the BAU now?”

“Yeah I can send someone to get you.”

“Unless it’s you I can handle getting there.” She laughed as she heard him cough again.

“I’ll see you soon, have Garcia email me all the evidence that’s in his ‘language’ so I can start working on it on the train?”

“Will do, I’ll also remind her not to get to used to you working with her.”

“I’d be too much of a distraction for you boss man.

“Bye y/n”

“See you soon Aaron.”

“So she’s in?” JJ smiled and asked when Hotch renterd the bullpen.

“Yeah” he grumbled “We keep her safe and out of the field.”

The team all nodded and JJ cheered quietly about getting to work with her cousin. Hotch chuckled at JJ’s antics and hid his own excitement about working with Y/N.

Hotch gave instructions of where to got, y/n would meet them at the BAU where read was doing the geo-profile and after JJ and Hotch met with local pd they’d come back and brief her.

In the car JJ could feel Hotch’s anxiety. She knew it wasn’t about the case, rather the idea of Y/N helping with the case.she felt guilty for suggesting something that caused him so much stress, but she knew her cousin could handle it.

“Hotch I’m sorry if I put you in a shitty situation suggesting Y/N.” She watched him tense even lore at her words. “But my cousin is a super hero, she can do anything and I trust her with my life, and our teams lives. Trust me when I say I’d never have suggested her if I thought she couldn’t handle it.”

“I know that, and I trust her too but Jack and I can’t lose her.” He admitted, surprising himself and JJ. Truth was, he couldn’t keep much of anything from the blonde agent even if he tried.

“Are we okay?”

“Yeah Jennifer, we’re okay. I can’t very well stay mad at the person who introduced Y/N Y/L/N into my life can I?

They both chuckled and felt the tension ease just a bit.

Y/N set up a little space for her to work in the conference room and set to work. She knew she shouldn’t be having fun during a murder investigation, but she couldn’t deny she loved this kind of work.

Derek has nicknamed her and Reid the nerd squad, after he walked in on them spewing theories and slaw itching between languages in a way no ‘normal human’ would comprehend. Hotch couldn’t help but stop and watch Y/N work for a moment when he and JJ got back with the lead detective.

He was snapped out of his trance by Rossi making a vaguely inappropriate comment about the ‘true reason’ he didn’t want y/m on the case. The sputtering cough he did in response to that comment caused his girlfriend’s beautiful eyes to snap up and lock with his.

She smiled widely at him and began to explain the progress they had made to him and the detective. He couldn’t help but love her even more for the way she was so professional, yet still somehow made him feel noticed by her.

Aaron thanked her and explained to all in the room their next steps. He left Y/N to it and called Reid to follow them to go check out a lead. Y/N suddenly felt a flash of anxiety listening to Aaron talk about breaching the house if they had to. He didn’t miss the look on her face and told the team he’d meet them at the SUVs.

“Hey, I’ll be fine” he whispered moving closer to her. He knew it was risky but pulled her into his arms anyway. Kissing her head and then quickly pulling back.

“I did t think it’d scare me this much, I mean I know what you do but being here and hearing it all... what if you don’t come back? What if I have to watch-“ she started to break and he took her hand.

“Y/N I won’t let that happen! I WILL come back to you”

She nodded and squeezed his hand

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry sweetheart, JJ had to talk me off the same ledge in the suv.” This caused her to giggle and calm down a bit.

“Get going boss man, be safe.”

“Anything for you” he smiled and headed off.

Y/N moved her operation down to be with Garcia I case they needed help with the language, but mostly because she didn’t want to be alone. The lead was a dead end so the team headed back and were working on the profile again when Y/N decoded a journal entry that talked about an abandoned warehouse that he used to frequent when he was homeless.

“Let’s go, Garcia stay online, Reid-“

“Hotch Y/N should probably ride along.” Rossi just got out before Aaron boomed “NO”.

Y/N looked just as startled by the idea as Aaron.

“Hotch she needs to be with us decoding the journal in case there is a new location, or he starts talking in his language.”

“I told you, she doesn’t go in the field” y/N could feel the anger radiating off of him, she saw JJ thinking about how to calm him down.

“Hey”, she whispered to Aaron, pulling him to the side, she locked eyes with Rossi who immediately understood and began to lead the team to the cars.

“Don’t worry you d-“ he started before she cut him off.

“I’m going to come with you.” She said and braced herself for his reaction.

“NO Y/N.” He said steadily but still gentle as he always was with her.

“I will be so careful, I won’t go anywhere near the scene. You need me Aaron”

“Yeah I do need you, alive.”

She felt her heart clench at his words and stroked his cheek, “I will be safe, please trust me.”

“I do!”

“I know, so remember that, you’ll be right there, so will JJ.”

“What if I can’t protect you?”

“Sweetheart, I just want to catch this guy, so I can spend time with my favorite boys! I’ll be okay.”

“Promise?”

She nodded and pulled him along to the cats.

“Dave was right...” he huffed

She looked at him to explain and he continued.

“I can’t say no to you”

She smirked and responded “I’ll have to remember that.

When they pulled up to the scene y/n pushed down the fear and memories of the case that changed her whole life and took her husband. If she was going to do this. She locked eyes with Aaron in the rear view mirror and smiled when he sent her a sweet wink.

That was the last moment of calm before all hell broke loose. The unsub was in the warehouse holding a woman hostage. Hotch broke all his rules and kissed Y/N lightly before putting on his vest to assure her he’d be okay. He left her in the safety of the SUV as he went to the staging area.

After about 15 minutes the unsub began to lose it even more.

“Hotch he’s speaking the language we have to send Y/N in.” Reid said, earning him a nasty glare from his boss.

“Not a chance. We’ll just wire someone.” Hotch responded.

“He’ll know” JJ said with a defeated tone herself. He knew she didn’t want her cousin to go in either but they had no choice.

“Fine” he sighed “but I go with her.”

“You’re too intimidating I’ll go.” Jj countered

“Jj you keep her safe.” He sternly whispered as they ent to brief Y/N.

“Hotch I know you love her but so do I, I’d do anything to protect her.” She said quickly before they reached you

“Jj I-“

“Don’t try to deny it Hotch, I know you haven’t told her yet but I know it’s true.” Hotch flushes a bit.

“I know you’d do anything to protect her JJ, I just, I can’t lose her and I hate putting her in this position even though I know she can handle it.” He admitted and knew JJ understood.

They briefed Y/N and after a brief moment of panic Y/N assured them both she could to it. She put on a vest and they entered the building.

Everything was going well, Y/N was speaking to him in his language, she was doing everything by right. That was until the hostage began to yell and insult him. He shoved the victim towards Y/N sending them both fattening down a flight of steps.

Jj secured the unsubscribe and cleared the team to come in. She hadn’t looked over towards her cousin yet but could tell the victim was fine.

She rushed down the stairs to see her cousin laying unconscious with a gash to the head.

“No no no” Jj said taking her hand as

took team came in and Rossi began to move the unsub to the SUVs

“Y/n!” Hotch wailed. Running to Y/N’s limo figure.

“Hotch I’m sorry Jj said, but Hotch couldn’t hear anything as he rushed to Y/N’s side, grasping her hand in his.

“Y/N please”

“Hm hi handsome” she said opening her eyes and groaning as she held her head. It took her a bit to realize what was happening, but the smell of the old warehouse brought most of the recent events back. “Don’t look so worried you two, I’m alive.” She said with a weak smile

“I’m going to get the medic” JJ said before kissing her cousins head and running off.

“Aaron I kn-“ she began

“I love you” he cut her off

“What?” Yn breathes

“I’m in love with you, I know it’s crap timing and you probably have a concussion but god I don’t want to waste anymore time with out you knowing I love you.”

“I love you too Aaron.”

He held her face and kissed her soundly. Pulling away when he heard Rossi wolf whistle behind them.

“I guess they all know now, sorry I know you like to be secretive.”

“they’ve known how I’ve felt longer than I did. Plus I don’t plan on keeping you a secret y/n ever.

He was insanely happy he finally told her how he felt and got to hear that she loved him too. Now he had to face JJ knowing he let her cousin get hurt.

Outside with the medics JJ was terrified to face her boss knowing she let Y/N get hurt. She was holding back tears that she could have lost her best friend.

Y/N was just happy to be loved by Aaron and JJ, and to be alive she was happy about that too. And dizzy she was also dizzy.

Smile again tag list:

@thebadassbitchqueen @violetclifford @kyleetheeditor @thelostallycat @mac99martin @stop-drop-and-drumroll

Tag list:

@diesinspanishbcimhispanic @averyhotchner

[atxlxs]

Beyond The Veil: Chapter 8

There was one stupid stereotype that seemed consistent in vampire lore that humans have written.

They tended to paint Vampires as creatures with very minimal or muted emotions that only really show said emotions when in relation to amusement or anger, and depending on the novel; sadism. That was a load of bullcrap.

First of all, most vampires have normal emotional levels. After all, most of them were human at some point. It’s just as time passes, they get incredibly good at either hiding their emotions, or mellowing out under years of experiences and logic. Eras was born the way she is, so she just experienced emotion differently than most.

She just prefers to ruthlessly stomp the feeling out of existence in order to embrace logical processing. She still feels the emotion! Just hours later when she's ready to process it and it has shrunk into a minor inconvenience. The problem with that though is that when something does manage to get to her, it hits hard.

Currently, Eras was sitting in her car while calmly letting the tension that had been building leave her shoulders. After 4 meetings that could have, quite frankly, fucked off and been an email; she was tense and annoyed.

This was not at all improved by the insistent ringing of her phone.

Without checking the number, a rare occasion for her but she was stressed, Eras answered and placed the phone on her ear. She could barely hold back the snap that wanted to peek through as she kept her voice level and polite.

“Hello, may I inquire as to the purpose of this call?” Was she defaulting to formal speech to prevent her frustration from coating her words? Yes, yes she was.

A feeling of wrongness from that morning pricked under her skin when she was answered by the voice of Nedzu.

“Ah yes, Viridis-san correct?” a skeptical hum of agreement prompted Nedzu to continue, “Great! I’m calling to inform you of a serious matter and I must ask, are you able to listen at this specific moment?” The faux cheerfulness Nedzu presented was not thick enough to hide his notes of seriousness from her keen hearing.

The feeling started to boil.

“Yes, I am.” This time, some of her curtness leaked through. She has had enough with pleasantries at the moment.

“Alright, I’ll just be forward then. Currently, due to a training mishap during All Might's foundational heroics class Viridis Muska is currently on bedrest in the infirmary, healing burns from an explosive attack from one of our other students. She’ll make a full recovery without any scarring since it wasn’t too serious thanks to another teammate who dragged her out of the way, however she’ll be sleeping for a few hours considering she was on low energy before Recovery Girl healed her.”

Eras almost snapped the steering wheel off with how hard she was gripping it. A stillness impossible for those that breathe settled over her like a blanket as her blood burned its way through her veins. Its toxic properties popped in her head as it ran simulations for various scenarios she could act on. First, though, she had an idiot to check on.

“Thank you for informing me.” Her voice was cold, and deceptively calm, “I’ll be showing up in 10 minutes. I am meeting my ward first and then I’ll need some questions answered. None of this is optional. I’ll see you soon, Nedzu.”

There was 25 minutes between where Eras was currently and her destination.

She showed up in the promised 10.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All Might stared at the phone on Nedzu’s desk like it had just signed off on his will and dug his grave.

To be fair though, it kind of did.

Shouta would grin his cheshire grin in sadistic glee at that if he wasn’t worried about what had just happened as well. Nedzu, surprisingly and hauntingly, was not smiling. His face is dark and serious. Shouta couldn’t blame him though. Viridis Eras could kill with her tone of voice alone.

He had never been so effectively threatened by words not even targeted at him before.

He sighed and got up from leaning against the wall. He turned towards Nedzu who had tracked the movement with his ears.

“I’ll go and head to the parking lot, She’ll need a guide.”

He was dismissed with a nod and he ignored the fearful stare that was pleading in his direction as he left. He shouldn’t have conducted fucking battle trials if he wanted a savior. Shouta was still pissed off about that. He also had tapes to watch and testimonies to get when deciding on future punishment. The Bakugo’s had been called and were heading in the school’s direction as well but considering Viridis would be their first? Hizashi had gotten off scot free when he stole his coffee this morning so he could deal with them. If they were anything like his student? Well...

Shouta Aizawa was not ashamed to admit he was a very petty man.

He sighed as he finally reached the parking lot gate. Leaning against the side and taking out a jelly pouch to pass the time while also getting some kind of nutrients, He had hoped that Viridis would take a bit longer so he could catch a break, but that’s definitely not happening.

He was proven right when in the next 5 minutes a black jeep pulled into the parking lot space closest to the gate where he was standing. Straightening his posture from the slouch it had been, he didn't want to make a worse impression, Shouta watched with hawk eyes as Viridis exited the vehicle and walked over to him.

She was around 171cm but that was probably due to the heels adding on some height. Hair, that was styled in a sleek bob cut, would blow in the wind occasionally. Revealing perfect snow white hair underneath black. As the distance rapidly closed between them, Shouta noticed the beauty mark that sat on the left of a smile that put Nedzu’s politely pissed one to shame. Eyes that were a darker black than his own, did not hide the angry cat like slits they held in them. He felt a shudder try to work up his spine the closer she got and he mercilessly pushed it down.

Once she was close enough, Shouta gave her a quick meaningful bow before talking.

“Hello Viridis-san, My name is Aizawa Shouta,” returning to full height he noticed the tattoo he had been trying to see from a distance turned out to be a snake wrapped around her neck and biting its own tail, “I’ll be your guide to the infirmary and then afterwards to Nedzu’s office. I’m also your ward’s homeroom teacher.“

Eyes seemed to pierce through him as they racked down his body with an assessing gaze.

“I see,” and wasn’t that voice the definition of syrupy sweet? “As you know the name is Viridis Eras, however just call me Eras. I’m not only used to it but with more than one Viridis, things will get confusing. Lead the way.”

With that command, Shouta turned around and immediately headed for the infirmary. He could only pray, despite not believing in such things, that they would all get through this alive.

Minus Yagi.

Shouta was pretty damn sure the man would be lucky to still walk after this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Aizawa led her to the infirmary, Eras took the time to focus on calming down.

Thankfully, she hadn’t snapped the man's head off when he had introduced himself. He was nice, definitely has the voice of a god, and… She's getting off track.

Aizawa doesn’t deserve the snappish angry attitude she had at the moment. That was reserved for All Might, and possibly Nedzu, due to his involvement in the cause of whatever the fuck she was walking to go see.

They reached the infirmary relatively fast, and Aizawa knocked twice before opening the door and stepping aside to let her walk in first. Stepping over the entryway, she immediately snapped her head to where Muska was lying on a bed talking to a teen next to her with the greenest curls she had ever seen.

That however, was the least of her concerns.

“Oh, Hey Eras.”

Eras was at her side within seconds. She assessed any and all bandages she could see, which compared to greenie in front of her was relatively few. The skin that wasn’t covered was red but in the sensitive way skin is after coming in contact with something hot. Nothing was scarred. Releasing the tension in her shoulders, Eras slumped into the seat next to her best friend's infirmary bed.

“Hey Muska, you just had to give me a scare huh? I almost broke my steering wheel when I received the phone call.” Eras narrowed her eyes but the glare had no heat.

The little shit just cackled at the thought of her friend breaking a steering wheel, again, and gestured to Green boy as she calmed down. Said boy looked like a deer in headlights at the action.

“Meet Midoriya Izuku, he’s the one who pulled me away from PomPom boy's blast and honestly could use more of your fretting than me.” Muska said, a shit eating smirk on her face as said boy ‘eeped’ at that. He was also blushing fiercely and stuttering out reassurances along with trying to downplay the role he had in helping Muska. Oh, this is red flag boy.

Eras inclined her head slightly and smiled a more genuine smile, still not showing teeth though. The nervous teen relaxed slightly at it. Good.

“Thank you for that Midoriya. I appreciate you saving my friend like that. Are you alright as well?” she asked, eyeing the bandages wrapped around his arms and torso. Muska just muffled a snort at her wording. So what if the last thing she heard her say that morning was "dictator daddy's all have that condescending smile." She could be formal! It's called a customer service voice for a reason.

When he tried to brush off the damage they could both see, Muska sighed and turned to Eras. Gesturing to her mouth and then to her neck, she pretended to swipe it and played dead. Eras snorted and just sighed afterwards. Shaking her head to say no she was not about to murder a public figure. Maim though....

“As long as you’ll heal alright then I guess it was fine. Really though, Midoriya, I owe you. If you ever need anything, let me know." Muska's eyes widened at that and snapped to Eras who just shook her head once again, "Muska, I don’t plan on it but it’ll be close. I’m pissed and it’s not really leaving just yet. I’ll be entering a meeting after this visit and I have a feeling the Bakugo’s were already called in as well.”

Muska nodded along until the Bakugo part. Then she had a constipated look on her face before leaning in and whispering.

“He needs therapy, his emotions had run wild during the exercise and I don’t think this was a product of just anger. This feels conditioned.”

Eras gripped the chair at that. Gritting her teeth, she nodded. Giving a slight bow to a still sputtering Midoriya, Eras walked out the infirmary door and closed it quietly. Aizawa leaned against the wall to the left and she took a few seconds to appreciate the silence before nodding in his direction. Luckily for All Might. Seeing Muska had calmed some of the anger she was still feeling.

She had a rat to go meet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

@baguettehead

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[taz-writes]

I was scrolling through your blog and saw something about a mermaid incident in class... date I ask for the story behind that?

I will absolutely tell you the story behind that, because it is equal parts baffling and hilarious, even now an entire year later. 

It begins… with my creative writing minor. Last fall I took a class called Survey of Forms: Fiction, which was an introduction to the canon of literary fiction, as well as literary fiction writing and basic style skills like characterization, narrative voice, dialogue, et cetera. Sounds pretty typical, right? Well, my professor was a fun guy, and one of our assignments around the middle of the semester was to write a rant. What sort of rant, you may ask? Literally anything. It was an exercise in narrative voice, he wanted 2-4 pages of a first-person tirade on something that you had strong opinions about, to be read out loud in class the next week. We had the option to write as a character from our short story WIPs or to write as ourselves. 

I chose to write my rant about a subject very near and dear to my heart: mermaids. Specifically, how much I fucking hated them as a child.

A bit of backstory, so you can understand why this got me so incredibly riled: I’m all about fairies. I was the fairy kid. I literally thought I was a fairy princess from outer space until I was, like, 11 or 12 years old. I wanted to have cool magic powers and sparkly wings and all that good stuff! I wanted to fly! I wanted to live in the forest and grant wishes! But like, mermaids are and have always been way more popular. If you’re a little girl who loves mermaids, your options are everywhere. You’ve got mermaid TV shows! Mermaid movies! Mermaid book series! Mermaid-themed makeup, mermaid-themed clothing, mermaid-themed Halloween costumes and lunch boxes and merchandise, mermaid stuff is everywhere. If you’re a little girl who loves fairies… you get, uh, Winx Club? Barbie Fairytopia? And maybe some Disney stuff if you squint. This was before even those Tinkerbell movies went mainstream, and if you were (like me) the sort of tomboy to frown at pink ruffly stuff, then you had absolutely NOTHING. 

And for bonus points, every single one of those fairy things I mentioned? Yeah they have mermaids in them. And the mermaids got overmerchandised, while the fairy MAIN CHARACTERS were neglected. Winx Club has a whole mermaid season, Barbie Fairytopia has mermaids and got a freaking mermaid-based sequel and never did justice to the actual fairy protagonists until long after I’d outgrown Barbie media. So like, I’m salty. I literally started writing Feilan because I was tired of every story with fairies being either immature Disney shit for 5-year-olds or edgy grimdark YA novels with too much kissing and inappropriate language for baby 12/13-year-old Taz’s tastes. I wanted something in between–fairies who weren’t stupid little glittery farts, but who didn’t spend all their time being ~evil and sexy~ or whatever either. If you like mermaid stuff, you can find a zillion different interpretations of merfolk lore, but despite the vast breadth of fae lore the fiction inspired by it only has two real subgenres. Fairies just aren’t as popular. I think they’re coming back a little bit because of SJM and Holly Black, but I HATE SJM’s fae and Holly Black’s are unbearably edgy, so that’s not really a good thing? 

On top of this, I am the type of person who clings very tightly and personally to minor things that aggravate me. I’m not sure why, and I wish that wasn’t the case, but at this point I’ve accepted it as part of my personality. It’s very rare that I find something I’m quite so passionately mad about, but when I latch onto a pet peeve I take it seriously. You can’t argue with me about the meaningless petty grudges, those are my lifeblood, and the mermaid thing is one of the oldest pet peeves I have. 

Back to the topic! The rant I wrote for Survey of Forms was the above tirade, expanded over several pages with sources cited. I was pretty proud of it! I came up with some really brutal turns of phrase, I thought my ~authorial voice~ was top of the line, it was a good rant. Time rolled around for us to share our rants with the class, and I gave a fabulous dramatic reading. My comedic timing is one of my strengths as an actress. 

Everything went as normal for the next few rants… and then, one of my quieter classmates began to read his rant. It sounded fine for the first few sentences, a discussion of traditional elements and their thematic associations okay whatever… but it became increasingly obvious, as he went on, that this wasn’t what he’d written. No, he was improvising a speech on the spot, because he was SO upset that I didn’t like mermaids that he had to tell me exactly how and why I was wrong about my entire worldview. 

In public. In front of our ENTIRE CLASS. 

He explained how mermaids belong to elemental water, and they’re valuable to modern society. See, water is the element of empathy and compassion, and those things are so rare in modern American society! It was almost a year after the 2016 elections, and our politics were so vicious and divisive, and the influence of water’s empathy was dwindling and he could see it burning through society! An over-emphasis on elemental air and its transience was leading to the rise of fake news and misinformation and alternative facts, elemental fire led to rage and passion and an inability to think logically, and we needed water to balance everything! So in fact, we need more mermaid stories! Because mermaid stories teach us to feel empathy! And the lack of water’s empathy, this growing hatred of mermaids (and by extension anything water-based)–that was the reason America was falling apart! That’s why Trump was elected! Because… uh, because I don’t like mermaids? 

Yeah, this guy basically implied that I was the reason Trump became president and the media devolved into vitriolic chaos. Because I don’t like mermaids. 

I couldn’t make this shit up on my own if I tried. 

I was absolutely livid, a friend of mine in the same class told me I turned redder than my scarlet school hoodie. I’ve never had the best anger management skills, I was literally shaking in my seat, I was inches away from flipping the table I sat at. I probably would’ve done it, too, if my classmate hadn’t put her boiling hot cup of soup down on it without the lid on. One of the lovely side effects of my ADHD is that sometimes when I get upset, my brain gets so hyperfocused on that one emotion that I’m physically incapable of feeling anything else or even thinking straight, and I can’t snap myself out. Those rages are terrifying. This was one of the worst rages I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I thanked my lucky stars later that I didn’t hurt somebody. I did get to scream at the guy for a couple minutes, but I don’t remember what I actually said. It involved a few physical threats and a lot of being embarrassed in front of my peers. 

Anyways, the professor didn’t even stop this guy, because–like everyone else–he didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. And once he realized, I guess he froze up or something? I don’t know. I lost my fucking mind about this, I went into my next class and screamed for like fifteen minutes. My poor Music History teacher was so confused. 

The Survey professor emailed me and asked me to stop by his office later, and I thought I was going to get lectured for throwing a fit in class. I used to throw a lot of tantrums in grade school and even when I grew out of that, I was always the person blamed when an argument or fight broke out with me involved, so I had some muscle memory… the professor actually wound up apologizing. He told me he just didn’t know what to do in the moment, and he was really nice about it, and by then I’d calmed down enough that I wasn’t literally frothing with rage. It was very very surreal. I felt quite validated. 

Mermaid guy wound up writing me a length apology email. I’m pretty sure the professor put him up to it. He went on to explain that he was from Singapore and he was raised right by the water and so it was really important to him, his culture has some kind of mermaid thing that he’s emotionally attached to, et cetera… He seemed very sincere about it, so I accepted the apology, but I still have no freaking clue what possessed him to derail the entire class in order to argue over my goofy childhood grudge. It’s hilarious in retrospect, I just can’t even begin to understand the logic. I still have that email saved because it was so mind-blowingly absurd. 

So yeah, that’s the Mermaid Incident. I wish I could say it went down in university history but I’m not sure if anyone remembered it longer than a week or so after it happened. Nobody ever mentioned it again. 

And despite said classmate’s best efforts, I still have a grudge against mermaids. They’re very nice in their own dedicated media, but if I see them popping up like plot cancer in stories you told me were about fey? I will come for you. 

[felassan]

Dragon Age development insights from David Gaider - PART 1

This information came from DG on a recent SummerfallStudios Twitch stream where he gave developer commentary while Liam Esler played DAO, specifically the mage Origin. I transcribed it in case there’s anyone who can’t watch the stream (for example due to connection/tech limitations, data, time constraints, or personal accessibility reasons). A lot of it is centered on DAO, but there’s also insights into DA2 and DAI. Some of it is info which is known having been out there already, some of it is new, and all of it imo was really interesting! It leaps from topic to topic as it’s a transcript of a conversational format. It’s under a cut due to length.

Note on how future streams in this series are going to work: The streams are going to be every Friday night. Most likely, every week, they’re going to play DAO. Every second week it will be Liam and DG and they’ll be doing more of this developer commentary style/way of doing things, talking about how the game was made as they play through, covering quirks and quibbles etc. Every other week, it will be Liam and a guest playing a different campaign in DAO, and Liam will be talking with them about how DA changed their lives or led them into game development, to get other peoples’ thoughts on the series (as it’s now been like 10 years). Some of these guests we may know, some we won’t. When other DA devs are brought on, it’ll be in the DG sessions. They hope to have PW and Karin Weekes on at some point. Sometime they hope to have an episode where they spend the whole time going through the lore.

(Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6)

[wording and opinions DG’s, occasionally LE’s; paraphrased]

DAO’s development actually finished up around April 2009. They then put it on ice for around six months before release. Human Noble is DG’s favorite Origin. It’s one of the ones he wrote. He also wrote the Dalish Origin as well (Tamlen is his doing ;__;). DAO’s temp name during development was Chronicles. DG has never played any of the DA games after they were released. He played them pre-release loads of times, when they were half-broken or incomplete etc. This stream is his first time seeing everything played after completion.

NWN: Hordes of the Underdark was the first game where DG was a/the lead writer, in charge of other writers, as opposed to a senior writer. It was pretty well-received. In the fall of 2003, BW were just finishing up HotU when James Ohlen came to DG to talk. BW had been having issues during the development of NWN with the IP holder for D&D Wizards of the Coast, so they were interested in starting their own IPs that they would have ownership over (and also for financial reasons). JO said to DG that one of these new IPs would be fantasy and one would be sci-fi. He knew that DG was more fantasy-oriented, and so asked DG if he wanted to take this on. DG was down, and the first thing to figure out was what that fantasy IP was going to be.

JO gave DG an atlas of European history, which he still has, and said that he wanted him to make a fantasy world that is reminiscent of medieval Europe and reminiscent of D&D - “make it like D&D but not, file off the serial numbers really well”. This worked for DG because he was pretty familiar with D&D and there were also lots of things that he didn’t like about it and wanted to change. So DG went off and for the next six months worked on creating a setting, beginning with documentation and the map. This was kinda strange because they had no idea at that time what their story would be. JO was very interested in having a “genetically evil” enemy in the setting (like an equivalent to orcs). DG wasn’t a big fan of this and his initial go at the setting omitted this (i.e. darkspawn were not a thing) and was a lot more realistic. JO insisted on adding them later on.

This period of development wasn’t actually a good process. There were other people who were working on the project who were designing the combat side. Looking back, DG feels that they should have put their heads together a lot sooner. The combat designers had various ideas for various prestige classes and subclasses, and DG would be like “these are nowhere in the setting [lore]”. He tried his best to add a few of them after the fact, which is why we see things like DA’s version of the bard archetype. The combat designers and artists originally had a vision in mind of a game that was much more along the lines of the type of fantasy you’d find in the Conan the Barbarian world - bare-chested barbarians, sorceresses that show a lot of skin, a grimdark world with barbarian hordes. They were just assuming that’s what it was going to be. At this point in time DG had never thought, “Oh, maybe I’m responsible for communicating my ideas to them” - he’d never done this role before and was just told to go create the world. He created world-building documentation and would send out emails saying “I’m making this documentation, please go ahead and take a look”, not learning until later on that nobody outside of the writing team really likes reading such documentation. He learned tricks later on like making the docs more accessible, less dense and wordy, and overall easier to peruse.

There was no real ‘vision holder’ for DA. Mass Effect did a much better job of that. Casey Hudson was the project director and the vision holder for ME, and he had the power to enforce a set vision of what was and was not ME. ME therefore ended up having a bit more of a coherent vision. DG was in essence the vision holder for DA, but he didn’t really have the authority to enforce it on the artists. The DA teams ended up spending a good 3.5 - 4 years of the ~6 years of DAO dev time going in circles, not exactly sure what they were going to make, the various people working on it having different ideas of what ‘kind’ of fantasy they were going to make. The writing team were leaning towards LoTR; the artists were leaning towards Conan; at one point one of the project directors was leaning towards a point-and-click Diablo-style action adventure; and nobody was overriding anybody else.

The fans who hang out on the forums and in similar places have a very different idea about what kind of game they like and want to play versus the telemetry BW get from the public in general. As an example, fans on the forums tend towards playing non-humans and feeling that playing as a human is boring. Forum-polls reflected that, but BW’s general public-telemetry shows that around 75-80% of the playerbase played a human in DAO. Elves were at 15% and dwarves 5%. In contrast, in the core/forum-based fanbase, the human figure dropped down to 30%.

DG originally wanted Zevran to be a gay romance (he has talked about this before). He asked JO if he could do that pretty early on, thinking of Jade Empire which had same-gender romance options which were really popular. BW were surprised about that, and DG had no idea that the JE team were going to do this. For DAO, he had an idea for an assassin character. He had been reading about how the CIA and KGB would often recruit gay men to be their assassins, as they didn’t tend to have family ties. DG thought this was really interesting. JO was cool with the idea on a conceptual level, but thought that the work that would end up going into it would be better served if those characters could be romanced by both male and female PCs. Zevran and Leliana weren’t intended to be bi, they were “bi out of convenience”, but at the time these sorts of things (representation and such) didn’t enter into the equation as much as it does today. DG wrote Zevran in his head as being romanceable by men.

DG would ask the hair artists, “Why all the mullets?”, because he never understood that, and he’d get “a sort of shrug response”, and an indication that “it’s easier to model, I guess?” Having hair which is loose, in the face, in locks, coming over the shoulders etc wasn’t really supported at this point by the tech or the engine. Hence, they ended up with like five different versions of mullets. On the subject of the engine, for the first half of development they were using an upgraded version of the Aurora engine from NWN, and it was not good. Several years in they decided to switch. Trent Oster was in charge at the time of making a new proprietary BW engine. At the time it wasn’t ready yet, but the DA team decided to grab it, use it and hammer it into the DA engine. That engine had “so many little weird quirks”, like lighting on skin not working properly and looking bad, and one of the issues was hair. It was supposed to be BW’s proprietary engine but it really wasn’t optimized for RPGs and didn’t include a dialogue system. They had to custom-build the conversation system. (At the time Trent didn’t think BW should be doing RPGs anymore, which is a whole other story of its own). DG recalls programmers complaining about things in the engine that weren’t ready for ‘prime-time’. Even compared to games released concurrently, DAO’s graphics were a bit dated.

For the worldbuilding, they had an internal wiki and they kept everything on there. They ended up with a lot of legacy documentation on there very quickly. Eventually they solved this by hiring an editor whose sole job it was to wrangle the documentation. DG started work on the setting in the same manner in which he’d embark on starting a homebrew - ‘so like, first, here’s a map, oh, I like this name, vague ideas, a paragraph on each major nation, a rough timeline of the history, expanding, and it just growing from there’. After about six months, they brought on other writers, and by then he had around 50 pages of documentation. This 50 pages was a minute amount compared to the amount they had generated at the time of release. Originally, they weren’t sure where in the world specifically the story would take place, so DG made sure to seed potential and brewing conflicts throughout Thedas. They settled quite quickly on the new Blight starting in Ferelden. Once they established that, the writers went to town on taking Ferelden specifically and blowing it up detail-wise. Jennifer Hepler was in charge of the dwarves and Orzammar. Mary Kirby was on Fereldan customs and traditions.

The first version of the setting was more grounded in realism, almost like a post-fantasy. The dragons and griffons were extinct and a lot of the things that were thought to be fantastical were thought to be over with. During development, they started clawing these things back. They brought back dragons because the game was named Dragon Age (lol). DG was approached like, “Hey, we named the game DA, can you bring back dragons and weave them into the story more powerfully?” Wynne’s writer Sheryl Chee had a bit of an obsession with griffons and was often like ‘omg, griffons :D’, and this is the origin of Wynne’s dialogue with the Warden about griffons.

KotOR was the first time BW had tried to do a game that was fully voiced-over. For KotOR, BW sent the work of casting, direction and so on down to another studio in California called Technicolor. BW had little say in the process then and when they got it back, “it was what it was”. By the time they got to DA and the first ME, BW had a good system down for recording and VO had become an important thing in games at the time. BW are really one of the premieres for this, a lot of actors really like acting on BW games as they get a lot of space to act where they wouldn’t normally be able to do so otherwise. DG has learned a lot from Caroline Livingstone on how to encourage the best performance out of an actor. For DAO, DG worked together with the various lead designers and Caroline to decide on the auditions, casting etc. This was one of DG’s favorite things to do.

Gideon Emery as Fenris, GDL as Solas and Eve Myles as Merrill were times where DG had written the character and then went to Caroline and said “I have an actor in mind for them, can you check it out?” These were specific times where he was able to secure the actor he wanted. This didn’t always work out, for example there are times when actors aren’t interested or have no time due to scheduling conflicts or were too expensive etc. Eve and GDL were DG’s roommate Cori’s idea. Cori was a big fan of Torchwood/the actors from Torchwood, and worked as an editor at BW for a long time. Gideon was DG’s idea after playing FF12. For DAO, DG didn’t have any specific ideas in terms of actors. Casting Morrigan was the longest, most drawn out process.

The Circle went through a whooole process during worldbuilding. Initially, mages in the game weren’t supposed to have any “fighting magic”. The restrictions were originally such that in the lore, they didn’t teach mages that. Mages weren’t taught any magic that could kill people, only ‘indirect’ forms of magic that could support others. However, [during what sounds like] playtesting it was asked “Why can’t I cast a fireball? I just want to cast a fireball”, so the writers had to go back and rework how magic in the lore worked completely.

Flemeth was originally going to be voiced by Shohreh Aghdashloo, and she was totally on-board, but unfortunately because of DAO’s development delays, she was unable to attend the new recording time as she had a conflict in her schedule (she was filming House of Sand and Fog). Shoreh was quite disappointed about this and her family had been so excited that she was going to be in a video game. When the movie was finished, Shoreh came back to BW and let them know that she was still available, and this is how she ended up in ME2. For a while they were trying to find an actress with an accent that authentically mirrored Shoreh’s. Out of the blue around this time, Claudia Black’s agent sent BW an audition tape of her. At the time Claudia hadn’t done any games but wanted to get into it. The tape was of Claudia doing a beat poet rendition of Baby Got Back. DG still has this tape. DG was a big fan of Farscape and on listening to the tape, it clicked right away in his head that Claudia would be perfect for Morrigan.

The Fade ended up being a big irritation for the writers. They wanted the PC to be able to assume different forms and such while in there. A lot of this stuff proved too difficult for the combat designers to work out, and so it ended up getting changed a lot. They had a hard time coming up with gameplay that could work in the Fade. The mage Origin is DG’s least favorite of the Origin stories, as he’s really dubious about the Fade section in it. It didn’t work out like how they had pictured it in their heads. By the time they got to DAI, that’s when the Fade really looks like how the writers first described/envisioned it. By this point the artists were more keen to give it a more specific feel. DAO was made at a time when ‘brown is realistic’ was a prevailing thing in games dev.

The experience of a mage in the world isn’t represented or conveyed very well to the player when the player is a mage. The experience of the player when they’re playing a mage or have a mage in their party doesn’t really match up with how the world lore tells them how dangerous mages can be - for example, how they can lose control and so on, we never really have an example of a PC mage struggling with being taken over by a demon. This was originally supposed to be a subplot in DA2 for mage Hawkes, in one of the last cuts. In Act 2, mage Hawke was originally slowly being tricked by a demon in their head that they thought was real, only to realize at the last minute. Mouse the Pride demon in the mage Origin is the only time in the entire series that they really ever properly demonstrated how demons can fuck with [PC] mages. Also, PC templars were originally supposed to have a permanent lyrium addiction that they needed to ‘feed’, but this was scrapped as the system designers weren’t keen on it and felt that it was essentially handicapping the player. 

Mages were originally also not supposed to be able to deal with pure lyrium (it would ‘overload’ them). There is a plot where mage PCs run around touching lyrium nodes to refill their mana bars. On this DG was like “Wtf is this?” The designers said that it works, and DG said “but it flies in the face of the lore”. This instance is an example of how the DA team was working where the various departments (writers, artists, designers etc) all had their own ideas about how the game and its world would work and never overrode each other (see above). DG feels that DAO is a little contradictory in that way. It’s only after the game came out that a lot of the people on the team really “bought into” what they’d put forward. This got easier as they went on, with people involved buying then into the things that make Dragon Age, Dragon Age. At one point, not everyone on the team was even aware of those things.

DG relates that originally, they would ask the artists, “Ok, can we get a village?” and said village once created would be quite generic and non-specific to DA. The writers would try to relate how things are in the DA world and list things that would be found in a village like this specific to the DA world, and the artists either didn’t read it or had their own ideas (DG isn’t sure which), and nobody was around to tell them not to do that and that they should do it differently. Everyone having their own ideas like this is why we ended up getting something that is this sort of “cobbled together half-Conan half-LotR mish-mash”, and after a while this sort of became DA’s “thing”.

Initially, BW had concepts drawn up for a lot more different creatures. After they went in circles for those years and consequently ran out of time to do all the models, they had to cut these concepts down more and more. Demons were among the ones that were the first to go (this is why we have situations like a bereskarn as the Sloth Demon in the mage Origin). The original concepts for things like spirits of Valor and Sloth demons were really good. Early on, JO made a list of D&D creatures that he liked. He picked the ones that they were thinking of doing, sent them to DG and said to make a “DA version of this”. For example, D&D succubi essentially became Desire Demons. Desire Demons were originally patterned off Sandman, neither male nor female yet really alluring, acting more like a genie and trying to ferret out mortals’ inner desires (which are not necessarily sexual in nature), without being overtly sexual. The artists’ version came back and that was basically the model seen in-game. The writers were like “What is this, this is nothing like the description?” and the artists responded that on the list from JO, it was included, in that you had to click on “succubus” to get to the Desire Demon description, so they had just read “succubus” and done their version of a succubus. The artists did loads of great work, but this was one of the instances were DG was like “???” By then, it was too late to change it. The writers were able to encourage them to make Desire Demons a little more fearsome, so that made it in at least.

The mage Origin was one of the more contentious Origin stories. It had like 4 different versions written of it over time. It was often the case that BW would hire someone, and writing an Origin story was their first test. Three different writers came in and wrote a version of the mage Origin and those versions just didn’t work. Finally they passed it to Sheryl Chee and she wrote it. The Origins were the parts of the game in general that were written/rewritten the most often. There were several others that got written that they discarded. 

Duncan was slated for death from Day 1. When DG writes a story, the thing he does first is pick out the big emotional beats that he wants, such as deaths. He decides these ahead of time and the stuff in-between comes later and is more often changed. Oghren was also originally supposed to die, but this ended up getting cut. DG related a story of how Oghren came to be: At the time, there was a phase JO went through when he thought everything had a formula that it could be done by. One of these ‘creative forumulas’ was that all such IPs had a two-word name that they’re known by, such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Dragonlance (being Dragon-Lance). This is how ‘DA’ and ‘ME’ came to be. One of the formulas he wanted to implement was how to distill the ‘comedy character’, like Minsc or HK-47. These characters were very popular with the fans and JO was certain that there was a way to figure this out to create one for DA. At the time, DG argued with him a lot about this. JO insisted it could be done. DG was originally supposed to write this character but ended up not doing so. JO came up with a list of comedic archetypes and had DG write a blurb about what kind of character each could be. These were then sent out to the team who voted on which was their favorite. This process eventually resulted in an archetype basically called ‘The Buffoon’ (think Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin, the kind of guy people laugh at because he’s such an oaf).

At this point ‘The Buffoon’ wasn’t named or made a dwarf yet. JO came to DG to write him, but DG said there was a problem which is that he hates this archetype. Homer and Peter are characters that he despises. DG is a professional writer, but this was comedy (outside of his areas of strength), and he felt the best he would be able to do is write a character who makes fun of this archetype and lampshade that. Comedy is something that has to come from within the writer. Oghren was given to someone else, and he ended up getting rewritten again anyway. By the time they were working on Awakening, DAO had not yet come out, and the assumption prior to the game going out was that Oghren was still going to be the most popular character from among the followers. The comedic character that ended up being the most popular along these lines was Alistair, which was interesting as he wasn’t intended as a comedic character, “so shows what we know”. DG was dubious that Oghren was going to be popular, because “he was kind of pathetic, honestly”, but that was the thinking at the time. Thinking he would be well-loved is why he was in Awakening.

On Alistair, any character DG writes is going to be sarcastic. At the time DG had made it a sort of personal challenge to recreate Joss Whedon’s dialogue patterns in his characters. Alistair was a sort of mish-mash of Xander from Buffy and maybe Mal from Firefly. DG wanted to see if he could do it, so Alistair was kind of quippy and self-deprecating. DG never really considered this to be Alistair’s main personality feature, but when other writers wrote him, they often had him doing this, as they liked the trait so much, and so this is how Alistair ended up as he did.

On dwarves, the dwarves being cut off from the Fade is very much baked into who the dwarves are as a race. There’s a specific reason why. This has been hinted at so far and it’s likely to come up in the future. DG had various ideas for some things that he wanted to include with the races or the way the world works etc. Some of them ended up never happening or some are mentioned only as part of the lore (templar lyrium addiction never coming up in gameplay is an example of this). Dwarven history and the nature of the dwarves is one of the things that survived pretty well though. DG calls Jennifer Hepler “mistress of the dwarves” and says that she did a really detailed, amazing breakdown of their history. After Jennifer left it was Mary Kirby, and DG feels that they did a good job of maintaining how dwarves were, in terms of both how they’re often presented in fantasy and yet also quite different in DA. Orzammar is one of DG’s favorite plots all together. You can really tell that Jennifer Hepler really enjoyed the dwarves and brought a lot of love to that plot.

DG draws a distinction between DA fans and the unpleasant people who harassed Jennifer Hepler.

They managed to keep the Tranquil in. There was a while there where they were going to be cut. At the same time, DG regrets that they couldn’t solve the making of the player more aware of how mages are dangerous, thing. Players could make a cogent argument like “they’re not that dangerous, look at me [mage PC]” and the writers were like “well... yeah, that is fair”. It was a case of showing one thing and the player experience of it being another. DG feels that this made the templars come off worse than they are. DG feels that they are being massively unfair and too extreme in their approach to the problem, but the problem itself is a real thing. He feels that there’s some merit/truth in the argument that mages are oppressed, but he looks at it more like an issue like gun control rather than as treatment of oppressed people, saying that we don’t have an example in real life of oppressed people who can explode into demons and cast fireballs and so on.

There are some funny pronunciations that worked their way into DA, and the reason for a lot of them is as follows: the writers had to create a pronunciation guide for VO, because otherwise you end up with a lot of inconsistencies. (Some did still slip through). The guide was online, and if you clicked on a word, an audio file for it would play. Jennifer Hepler was in charge of this and did a great job, but has a really strong NY accent, and in some cases the ‘NY-ness’ of her pronunciation endearingly worked itself into things (the way Arlathan is sometimes said is an example of where this happened sometimes).

Sometimes the writers trying to communicate the “hotness” of a character to the artists didn’t go smoothly. The writers would sometimes say things like, ok, this character is a romance, they need to be hot, and the designs would come back looking “like Burt Reynolds”, and the writers would be like “???” And then a character that wasn’t particularly intended to be hot, as in that wasn’t mentioned at all in the descriptions of them, would come back “accidentally hot”, and the writers would be like “Why couldn’t you have done this when we were asking for a character that was meant to be hot”, and the artists would be like “What?? He’s not hot”. And this became a thing (lmao - this discussion was prompted by DG being asked “Was Duncan meant to be that hot?”, for context). Some of the artists were so paranoid about their [in]ability to judge actually-hot characters that when it was time to pick an appearance, like for Alistair, they gathered up all the women at BioWare, and DG (“resident gay”) into a room to show them an array of faces and bodies like “Is this hot? Is this hot?” DG and co would sit there like, “How can you not tell? Is this a straight man thing?!” Anyways, this is why oftentimes we ended up with characters who are accidentally hot.

Over time, the writers realized that the way they communicated to artists needed to be managed better. The words they would use would have different connotations to them the writers, than what they did to the artists. For example, for Anders’ design in DA2, he was supposed to be “a little haggard”. When DG thinks of haggard, he thinks ‘a little tired, mussed hair, looking like you’ve been through some shit’. But the artists based on that produced concepts with super sunken cheeks, looking like he’d been terribly starved. The writers needed to develop a specific vocabulary for communicating with the artists, as artists think in terms of how something looks, but writers are thinking in terms of what the character “is”. Anders’ description talked about his history a lot, and the one visual-type word that jumped out was “haggard” due to its visual connotations. “A lot it came down to the writers being up their/our own asses.”

When they got to DAI, they had figured out that the way to get best results on this front was /not/ to have the writer go off and develop a long description and pre-conceived notion of what the character looked like in their head. In such scenarios artists don’t feel that they have much to contribute to the process or an ability to put their own stamp on who this character is and make them interesting to them (the best, most interesting characters are when people at all stages of the pipeline properly get to feed into it). They learned that the better solution was to bring the artists in earlier, and to give them little blurbs, and not name the character but give them an ‘archetype’-sort of ‘name’. For example, Dorian was “the rockstar mage”, “cool”, “Freddie Mercury”. The writers wouldn’t be sure that a particular concept would ‘hit’, so at this stage they would offer an array of options and sit the artist down and walk them through the concepts. The artists would then provide a bunch of sketches and it would go back and forth, with both taking part in the character creation process together. For the first two games, the writers were “really hogging” this process to themselves. They got better at not doing this and better at communicating with the artists by DAI.

There were a lot of arguments about how mages in DAO had a lot of specific lore words like “Harrowing”, “phylactery”, “Rite of Tranquility” etc. There was concern that this would be too confusing for players to understand and that it was too complicated. DG says that thankfully he put his foot down and pushed for this stuff to be kept. A lot of fans assume that as lead writer DG had all this influence, way more influence than he could possibly exert on a team. He wasn’t even a lead, he was a sub-lead, under a lead designer. He only had so much say. If the lead designer or lead artist wanted to do something differently, often there was not much he could do. Hence he had to pick his battles carefully, choose the important ones to fight. The mage vocabulary thing was one of these.

Templar Greagoir’s name is pronounced “Gregor” and it comes from a place in Alberta near where DG lived.

Codex entries are usually one of the last things that get done in a project like this, and so all of that kind of textual lore comes in super late and is super punchy as by then the writers have written so much and are exhausted. They had to find a way to make this process cute or interesting or fun for themselves, which is why a lot of entries are quite fun to read. Sometimes a writer would make a joke for banter [irl], and it would end up making it into an entry.

Only Morrigan and Duncan got unique body models in DAO. The companions all have custom-morphed heads but not custom-morphed bodies (Morrigan not included here). This is why every model has a necklace or a collar right at the point where they had to be attached to be a body. These sometimes used assets that couldn’t be used by the PC but were not unique to that character. Duncan probably got a unique model because he was in a lot of marketing/promotional material. Qunari were originally conceived as having horns.

Most people didn’t even finish DAO once (public telemetry again here), only approximately 20-25% actually did. The devs try not to read too much into this kind of thing, but the telemetry does tell them where a lot of people stop playing the game permanently (they call these “drop-off points”). One of these points in DAO is the Fade during Broken Circle. Sometimes when people interpret this data they involve self-serving biases, but it was generally accepted that the Fade there was too long, too complex, not interesting enough, etc. [source]

[Part 2]

[Part 3]

[Part 4]

[Part 5]

[Part 6]

[‘Insights into DA dev from the Gamers For Groceries stream’ transcript]

[typingdyslexiaisathing]

The World 2.0 (work in progress)

// This is a LONG fanfic I have been tinkering with from .Hack//G.U. and is my current favorite of the things I have written. I loved the series as a whole and wished there had been an actual release of .Hack//Fragment that had made it to the USA. Read below. //

"Do you have any idea what you've done, Kuhn?" The question was a bit on the ludicrous side. But it came out before I could think twice. And from my tone of voice Pi flinched to step back a little. While Kuhn winced to put a hand behind his head. A nervous laugh audible as he looked down. "I was doing my job for the Corp, Adelha. That's all. It wasn't personal or anything. They just told me to-" But by then I snap. I have no more semblance of restraint. And I shout into my mike for it to echo in the church. "ENOUGH!" Both Pi and Kuhn go dead still. With me turning to glare at Kuhn over the headset. And if this was in the real world I'd be shaking I'm so mad. Which I already was in my seat. But my avatar just stood there as I fumed into the mike. "Months of time wasted! Constant feints and dead leads! Outright having entire threads on message boards erased! And for what?! To blatantly ruin any chance of me finding my friends! People that are either waiting for me to find them or dead and long gone without me ever knowing! And all because you have ruined all my hard work! I asked for your help Kuhn! And instead you stabbed me in the back! So tell me now! Were you going to dig that metal in farther or just twist it before you ripped it out?!" Kuhn blanches to shake his head at me. And I can tell he's upset. Pi standing between us to simply watch and listen. While Kuhn fumbles for words. "You were asking specific questions, Adelha! All over the public boards! Questions that are more dangerous than you realize! I couldn't let anything-" By then I make my avatar move. And I punch him full in the face. It cuts him off well enough. Pi shifting on her feet as Kuhn gets his avatar to stand back up. And I am panting into the mike. Something both of them can hear. And my words are seething. "Do not presume you know how to protect me from the monsters Kuhn! Especially when I am fully aware they are riddled into the game's programming! I was one of the few who got to see what was under the layers of The World! One of the few graced by the goddess who had a statue in this very church! So help me if I had access to one of my old avatars, I'd Data Drain your ass!" Both Kuhn and Pi go bug eyed as I keep fuming. The two having a shocked expression as I grip my controller so tight my knuckles split open. "You even think of messaging me again and I will report you for harassment! I will make certain you get banned from the game and from CC Corp! You lose my phone number and email! Delete it all! I don't care I sent you that promise card! I don't care I was falling in love! I'll never trust you again!" Kuhn goes rigid for him to gasp into his mike. And Pi looks just as stunned. Yet I can't even see anymore due to the tears. So I run my avatar out of the church to the gate. And I do my quick log out trick to then rip my headset clean off. It ends up thrown onto my bed as I tremble in my seat. My head spinning as I hear my phone start ringing. And the ring tone tells me it's Haseo. But I let it ring for once. Something I have never done before. I just lean against the chair to cry. Every piece of me hurting and sick. The phone rings again and again. Several ring tones sounding out in my room. And I know each one. Haseo. Pi. Kuhn's has me blanch and shiver. Silabus. Atoli. Haseo again. Pi again. Then I hear that it's Gaspard calling me. So I reach over to grab the phone. I don't have the heart to ignore him of all people. And I choke on a sob when I do answer. "Misery pit answering. Leave a message once the glass is done cracking." Gaspard gives a pouted noise over the phone. His sweet voice so worried it makes my stomach twist. "Adelha. Kuhn messaged all of us. What happened?" I start to lightly bang my head against the wall. The sound echoing into my phone as I speak. "I just found out he's the one who was deleting my posts off the message boards. So you can imagine when he tried laughing it off I exploded." Gaspard gives a hard gasp to exclaim, "It was him of all people?! Why would he do that?! I know he had access since he works for CC Corporation part time, but to go that far- Why?!" I chuckle without any humor in it. And my answer is a hollow one. "Apparently, I was spreading false info in my questions. As well as breaking rules on asking for personal information. Or that was the notices I kept getting before my thread priveledges got suspended. But he tried to tell me it was to keep me safe." Gaspard sounds very confused about that. And he would be considering he wouldn't know anything about the Key of Twilight or Aura or the Cursed Waves from the first version of The World. So his question is expected. "How would you looking for your old friends put you in danger?" I give a sigh to rub my free hand to my face. Too tired to fib or lie. "Keep a secret, sweet one. Back when that crap was going down with players going comatose the first time, several players decided to mount their own investigation into the hard core lore the game was written from. I was one of the few in the group that actually got anywhere with that." Gaspard sounds very stunned when he squacks into the phone. Along with excited. "Wha?! You mean- Are you one of the Azure Knights or something?! Did you really find that legendary item?! Adelha! Are you one of the fabled .hackers?!" I can't help but smile at how eager he sounds. A chuckle soon to follow. "Silly friend. I promised not to tell about that little legend. But I will say this. That whole event had a lot of glitches and viruses interwoven into what happened. Hence why people were getting sick and falling into comas, Bard. It really was dangerous. But the flip side was I found people to call family. So when the servers got toasted and they revamped the game..." Gaspard finishes for me. "You logged back in to find out what happened to your friends. And you still haven't found them, have you?" My sniffle escapes for Gaspard to hear it. And I close my eyes to tremble all over. "I have hints about one or two. And I know I do have one friend from back then. He just..." I choke a moment before I finish. "The coma messed with his memory. I doubt he remembers even playing the first version of The World. The others are either not playing anymore or dropped off the face of the planet." Gaspard sounds very sad as he sighs into his phone. And his voice is soft with understanding. "I am so sorry Adelha... What can I do to help? Silabus is here with me since we said we were gonna do a meet and greet for once. We can come up with something." My smile quirks even though it hurts. I knew the two of them were in the same room. Probably at Gaspard's school or something. "Tell Haseo I'm not dead yet. And let Atoli know I'm okay. She can let the others in Moon Tree know I'm dealing with an upending of my life." Gaspard sounds confused again. "Was there something in guild that was going to happen?" I think a moment before I answer. "Knowing a few of the members, there would be concern. Especially when the rumors start spreading. Matsu might just hunt me down in real life to bang my door in. Which would mean he crosses an ocean to get here." Gaspard hesiates before he replies. And he sounds very surprised. "Wait a minute... You don't live in Japan? Are you in America?! You mean all this time you're playing at night when it's daytime over here?!" I honestly laugh at his question. My smile full blown. "Surprise, sweet one. I fooled all of you with my advanced Japanese. Twenty points for me." Gaspard laughs back into the phone. While I can hear Silabus giving a few shouts in the background. Gaspard continues to talk to me. "No wonder you are on at odd hours of the night when I back checked. You really don't know what a sleep schedule is, do you?" My chuckle is rich as I nod my head. "That is a side effect from all the comas I got put into." Gaspard audibly flinches to pout a bit. "Don't say that. It reminds me of you being in the hospital and me not being able to visit. Silabus and I weren't the only ones worried either. Haseo was about to go bonkers. And Atoli was just outright frantic." I sigh to look over to my bed where the headset is. "Hey. I was the one out like a light. Not you. And frankly I really needed the naps. But thank you for that, Bard. It means more than you know." Gaspard thinks before he speaks. And my eyes go wide. "Haseo said Endrance asked about you every day they met in game. And from what Haseo also said, Kuhn was devastated the entire time you were gone." My face gets hot at the mention of both Endrance and Kuhn. A slight squeak escaping. "Stuff me with feathers and call me a pillow... Endrance was worried about me...? I mean I get Kuhn would be upset on some level but-" Gaspard interrupts me, which is very unlike him. "Adelha. Kuhn wasn't just upset. He was heartbroken. Haseo caught him crying on more than one occasion. Kuhn thought you'd never wake up again. And it broke him." I almost drop the phone at this point. My heart doing an odd flip even as it breaks a little more. So I lean into the wall again to take that in a moment. And my words are bitter. "Che... Figures the guy would be that broken up over the girl he ends up lynching on some level... Irony is a bitter poison..." Gaspard sighs the same time I do. But his words are firm. "Don't burn that bridge entirely. He's an idiot when it comes to being a noble knight for a woman. Even I know that. So give it time before you toss him off his horse." I give a snort before I go really still. Something clicking in the back of my head. And I am so stunned I forget to breathe. Making Gaspard very worried on his end. "Adelha? You still there?" I don't even think when I speak. The words hushed but still audible. "If it was that damned obvious I'll hang myself..." Gaspard sounds really scared when he says, "Adelha! Don't you do something bad! Please! What is it?" I look to my monitor to grip the phone tight. And I am piecing things together by the second. "I think I figured out the real reason why he did it... And if I'm right... I will PK him into next year..." ***** The one day I wanted to not set up Shop Acorn and do some background checking was the one day we were busy. Which I was sure fate had a hand in just to spite me. But I was just as determined to get the shop running at top notch capacity as Gaspard was. So I just smiled and sold the items we had in the guild inventory for such. Heck. Most of the guild inventory was specifically for the shop by now. Which was something Haseo had been shocked over how much was in there and how many rare weapons and armor were being stockpiled. He'd been floored at how much I had been putting into the inventory. And he'd be equally floored at me just taking it back out to sell for really cheap. So I'm not surprised that Haseo is there when I am closing up the shop. His grumble coming from above me as I go through the inventory list on my screen. "And just what exactly are you doing, Adelha?" I keep counting up numbers as I respond. "Is that multiple choice or essay, Haseo?" As expected, Haseo gives a tisked noise to grumble more. "Che! Fine time for you to be a smartass! You realize Kuhn has been blowing up my email because of you? He won't stop bugging me to find you! It's a right pain in the ass! So what the Hell is going on?" I give a growl a bear would be proud of. My hand banging on the desk even as I sit my character down. And Haseo notes how mad I am to go really quiet. His signal that he's listening. So I fume a bit into the mike. "It's really simple, Haseo! Kuhn used his apparent job with CC Corp to delete all my threads on the forums and to send me fasle leads while I have been looking for my former guild mates! Turns out he's been doing so since before we actually met in game! And he gave the pathetic excuse of it being his job to protect unknowing players from dangerous situations! In short, he stabbed me in the back! Repeatedly! And had the nerve to claim it was for my own good!" Haseo gives a groan to put a hand to his head. His muttering too fast for me to catch. But he does finally say something to me. "What an idiot. No wonder he's so desperate to get you to forgive him. He's even been trying to find out if I can get your mailing address to send you flowers." I throw my hands up when Haseo finishes to snort into the mike. "Do not even bother, Haseo. Flowers are for funerals. They are depressing when I get them because they only remind me of good byes." Haseo nods in agreement to then ask in a hesitant voice, "And the couple event mail you sent him? Did you really mean to send him that?" I go beat red to growl more into the mike. "Well it's obvious I am not going to keep to that little dumb ass stunt! And I sure ain't going to send him another one! So I will just forget I ever got one to send to anyone in the first place! It's not like the other guy I would send that to would even open it anyways!" I get up as Haseo gives a squack of surprise. His voice a bit shaken. "What?! You were gonna send that to somebody else?! Please don't tell me it was me!" I roll my eyes to reach up at pat Haseo on the head. Making him grumble a bit as I smirk. "Nope. Not you, Haseo. You're the little brother. Not the love interest. Player wise and character wise." If it wasn't for the fact I didn't have my music blaring in the background as per my usual custom, I wouldn't have heard Haseo sigh in relief. But he does choose to grump at me more. "Okay. Okay. Enough with the head rubbing. I'm not a dog, Adelha." I give a chuckle to remove my hand. Haseo scowling at me to then ask the expected question. "So if it wasn't me, then who was it? I doubt it was Gaspard." I smirk to shake my head. "Gaspard is thirteen years old, Haseo. I'm twenty. Heck no that won't go." Haseo thinks to then ask, "Well I know it's not Silabus. And that Piros the Third weirdo is so not your type." I bark out a laugh to tell him. "Well duh since he's actually married and has a one year old in real life. He sent me pictures of the tyke too." Haseo looks stunned to then give a long whistle. "Shee. Fooled me then. So who is it? That Matsu guy from Moon Tree?" I am so glad Haseo cannot see me blushing in real life. But I do let out a mumble that he does catch. And Haseo goes stock still to then chuckle. "Oh you're kidding. You were going to send it to Endrance? Really? Dang, Adelha. Way to set the bar high." I reach out and punch his avatar in the shoulder. Making him give a growl of surprise. "Hey! You don't have to hit me!" But I just grab him from behind to give his avatar a noogie. His protesting very loud as I give him a few verbal punches. "You can shut your yap! I'm aware Endrance only has eyes for two people and neither of them are me! So thank you for rubbing that in!" Haseo gets out from under my hold to take a few steps back. His words a bit on the angry side. "All right already. I get it. I'm sorry. But I got the impression he does care about you." I go very still to look dumbfounded. And Haseo continues to point at me. "Endrance has asked me on several occasions if I've seen you. He also looked really dissapointed when we went on that event with Sakubo and you were offline. He may not say it to you, Adelha. But you are his friend and he does like you." ***** Matsu decides to get my attention by sending me a text to my phone. Since he can hear my music blaring through my headset again. So I turn the volume down after I read the text. And I am not in the mood to play word games. "Forget it, Matsu. I'm not interested in whatever rumor you heard along the chatter vine." Matsu gives a chuckle to hug my avatar closer. His voice full of warmth it made my toes curl a little in the real world. "So you did read it. I was more inclined to think you blew both ears out with your music. Seriously, Addy. What got you so mad?" I take a moment before I answer. "You gonna keep a lid on this?" Matsu nods to answer. "Completely. I'm all ears." I choose to move myself from the chair at my computer desk to my bed. The mattress squeaking for Matsu to hear it. So he waits for me to get situated before I speak. And I give a long sigh once I'm laying down. "I got the info on what shit head was deleting my posts on the forums. It was the same asswad that was giving me false leads too." Matsu takes a breath before he growls into his mike. "And who is this bastard so I can PK his ass!" I wait before I speak. And my voice wavers. "The same guy I sent the wedding event mail to. It was Kuhn." Matsu goes rigid even as I hear he stopped breathing through his mike. Then he explodes in all his fiery glory. "I'll kill him! That filthy rat bastard is dead meat! I am gonna get on my bike and hunt his ass down and I am gonna murder him with my bare hands! He is so dead! That he'd go that far to keep his job! I am going to rip him apart!” Matsu continues to rant and fume into his headset as I listen. So I chuckle a bit to put my one arm over my eyes. And I am more amused than anything. “Matsu. Breathe before you fall over. Seriously. Keep fuming like that and your heart is gonna pop.” I am rewarded with a grumble and Matsu laying down on his own bed. The squeak of the mattress sharp as he pants a few times. “Fine then, gimme a minute.” I wait as Matsu takes the headset right off to get his head on straight again. And I go wide eyed when he sets it on his chest. The audio picking up the fact he’s panting as well as the thunder of his heart. And wow is he mad given how fast that obon drum is hammering. But my smile turns warm as I listen. A kind of heat washing over me as Matsu gives a few curses that the mike barely picks up. Then after a minute, Matsu puts the headset back on. And I cannot help but tease him. “God have mercy on my soul... I didn’t know you played the drums so well, Matsu...” Matsu gives a loud cough before he grumbles at me. “Che! Shut it, you dork! Don’t make me drive to your place to give you a piece of my mind!” But I sigh to stare at my ceiling. “Good luck getting yourself here. I live in South Dakota, USA. So unless you got a passport...” Matsu goes quiet before he chuckles. His voice very warm despite the fact he’s still annoyed with me. “Might just get me one then. I’ve always wanted to ride my bike through America. Show off to the Yankees as it were. If you’d let me in the door, Addy.” I can’t help but smile as I answer. “Matsu. You ever get your butt to the states, I will meet you at the airport and go with you cross country. And you would be getting a house key as a welcome gift.” Matsu goes very quiet before he speaks again. “Seriously? You’d do that? We only know each other in game. You’d be willing to welcome some punk out of Japan that easily?” My response is to get my phone and send Matsu a photo. My voice very soft when I hear his phone ring through my headset. “Is that good enough for you?” Matsu goes so quiet I would swear he disconnected. Then he sighs a bit to give a few soft words. “Damn. Just damn. Adelha. Your hair is so many shades of brown and red. Is that the natural color or am I just hoping?” My smile is full blown for me to laugh. “Natural. My Irish heritage showing in my hair color and my eyes. The rest is a mixture of French and Japanese.” Matsu gives a hum to then tell me, “You look phenominal. But what was the text you sent with it?” I hesitate before I answer in a breathless voice. “My real name.” Matsu doesn’t answer for a minute. Then he’s chuckling into the mike. “Margaret Joanna Adelha Mathilde. Wow, that is a mouthful. Everyone wonders where you got your character name from. Now I know.” I hear my own phone chime to then blink. And I read the text and the photo with glee. Knowing what Matsu did without having to ask. My words full of joy. “If that isn’t the most amazing bike I’ve ever seen. And the rider is just as fine. Shingo Kudou.” Matsu coughs a few times to grumble at me, “Hey hey, ease up would you? Seriously.” But my words are full of heat even as my toes curl. "Seriously. I'd be overjoyed to meet you in person. If it wasn't for me still trying to find Sanjuro here in the states, I'd have hopped ship and moved to Japan." Matsu gives a huff to then laugh a bit. His own voice full of warmth. "Figures you would say that. But yeah I feel the same way. I'd love to take you around my area and have you here." I hestitate for a missed pump of my heart. But the words float out before my mind clicks them into place. "I'd want all that and more, Matsu. If we were both willing to take that all consuming dive." Matsu goes dead quiet before he snickers a bit into his mike. And his words are full of hot wonder. "Damn... You really don't say anything other than the direct truth... I love that about you... Really, Margaret? Even though your still in love with those memories?" My throat clamps so i can't answer right away. But when i do my heart is all but tumbling over itself. "Like I would regret a road taken when it means being with someone I love... Even just platonically to tilt dangerously into sibling slash romantic territory... But I do love and value you, Shingo Kudou. Your support and friendship has meant more to me than you realize." ***** I turn when Haseo and Kuhn shout at me. Sakaki giving a chuckle before he heads for the next room. And I am not the least bit surprised that both Haseo and Kuhn look very fearful. But then my gaze lands on who is with them. And my gaze widens. Because their third party member is none other than Endrance. His eyes gazing at me with much concern. But I rotate my shoulder with the AIDA virus over it. The wing attached to my back on that side shivering with the motion. And my words come out with a dissonance in the tones. "Three knights to charge forth and save the kingdom. Three souls of great power to combat the Wave. Each with potent forces to aide them. Each with secrets to keep. And every one of them willing to lay all down to defend their comrades. Yet none of them were able to keep safe one single soul. The one that fell to depravity. The one that darkness embraces. And the one that knew more than anyone dared to guess." Haseo grips his weapon tighter to then ask me a question first. "Adelha. What did Sakaki promise you?" I chuckle to shake my head. The black wing at my back twitching as I reach up with that clawed hand to cover my face. And my words are aching. "He promised nothing Haseo. He simply asked for my conditions. So I rattled off the list of every single player I've been looking for that is still playing The World. And he delivered in spades and diamonds. Since he now has access to CC Corp records and player information. That was all I needed to find the people I've been wanting to see for so many years." I then glare at all three of them to give a gut wrenching growl. The wing at my back shaking to blow a gust of wind towards them. And my words are low and full of agony. "And here three of you were in front of me the whole time... I was so blind... Damn me for a fool that I didn't see it sooner..." Kuhn grips his weapon tighter to edge a little closer. "Adelha? What are you talking about? What do you mean?" My chest hurts so much the blackness over it cracks and billows smoke. My eyes bleeding freely as my one good hand points to Haseo first. And my words are full of pain. "I know you all better than you think. You may not remember, Haseo. But we were friends once before. Back when you were still just in grade school. Back when you were a very unique twin blade. A character named Sora who was a player in the first version of The World. The first player to be made into an Epitaph for the Cursed Wave. It is why Skeith chose you, Haseo. You were once the spine of that power when you became a Lost One. And I helped the .hackers free you from it's chains." All three of them go rigid with shock. Haseo bug eyed to nearly drop his weapon. And Kuhn chokes on his words. "You know about the Epitaph Users?! So Yata was right?! You're one of the .hackers from the first game?!" My sigh is full when I turn to Kuhn. And my voice is a little faded. "It took Wiseman long enough to piece it together. Yes, I was helping a character named Kite by playing on his avatar. Since it made more sense for me to help him level and to get our grouping gear. His was the avatar blessed by the Key of Twilight to be given the Data Drain ability. So he asked me to help him power level and to ensure that Kite was always around on the servers. When Kite's original player was asleep or at school, I was online keeping tabs for Wiseman and Helba and the others. That way we had our bases covered twenty four seven. While I also power leveled my own character on the side. But there was one person that I tended to bump into. Whether it was during my all nighters or early mornings as Kite, or on my own avatar. And that was a shy Wavemaster I grew very fond of. Someone I spent hours of time hunting Aromatic Grass for. Even when I knew he would give it away to his Mia." My eyes turn to Endrance when he goes wide eyed. His gaze full of shock as I smile at him. My good hand pointing to him as my words continue to pour from my lips. "You were the one I wanted to find the most, Elk. If only because I knew Mia might not linger with you like she did before. The idea that you were alone without her or anyone else... It broke me into pieces with each day that passed... And yet here you were in front of me the whole time... Some friend I am... I left you alone in the crowd... And for that... I'll never forgive myself..." Endrance frowns to plant his feet. His words so elegant they wash over me with sweet warmth. "You've been there in your own way, Adelha. I may have been alone for a bit. But it was clear to me you genuinely wished to reach your hand out for mine. Just like that one soul I met before. That twin blade with the crimson hair. Her name was always on my mind. And I never forgot her or Mia. I wondered if she was you. And I wish I would have asked instead of letting my fear silence me. Something I am so prone to do even when I know better. There is no need for you to ask for forgiveness, Adelha. There never was and never will be for that." My eyes hold warth and fondness even as I chuckle. And Endrance sees that look to smile a little at me. The words not needed between us. But then I turn my gaze to Kuhn. And my eyes hold nothing but pain as my words flow freely. "And yet some chose silence as their weapon... So unbecoming of a knight of olden days... Wouldn't you agree... Sieg?" Kuhn jerks as he hisses in air through gritted teeth. And his hands are shaking when he speaks. "Adelha! Stop! You know that regular players aren’t supposed to get involved with this side of the game! They can’t know about the Epitaph Users or AIDA or the Lost Ones! Even if I had known you were one of the .hackers, I still would have kept you out of it! The last thing I want is for you or anyone else to get hurt!” But my words are well honed arrows. My body aching even as the AIDA virus burrows further into my character and me in turn. "Oh but my oaths from then still hold now, Kuhn. Especially when those boss fights against the Cursed Waves filter through me to this day." I give him the most pointed stare as my words become more warped. The memories filtering through my head as I speak. "There was one moment that I dream of still. A fight I was not sure we would win. And it sent fear through me even as we stood our ground. I remember the Magus well, Kuhn. Something you might wish to hear.” Kuhn goes dead still for Haseo and Endrance to flank him. And all three of them hang on my every word. “I was the one with Kite on my own character when he went and fought that thing. We faced a leaf of utter ruin that floated about the distorted field. It's remnants like bombs to rend us open and leave us with barely a health point in the bar. Then it got it's Data Drain off. Kite would have been toasted if I hadn't jumped in the way. And when it hit..." I gag at the memory as the wing at my back shivers. My eyes squeezing shut as I pant for air. "I dropped the controller as my scream caught in my throat... It felt like someone drove red hot knives into my retinas.... My ears were roaring with the backwash of static... And my body went up in flames... A feeling none of the Lost Ones will ever erase from our memories!" I then look to Kuhn to drive the final verbal nails into the coffin. And they are ones I know cross the line. "Which was worse, Sieg... When your first girlfriend and yourself fell into the dark... Or when you found out I ended up in the hospital three times over... Who was harder to lose... Yourself... Me... Or Minase..." Kuhn gives a hard retch the same time Haseo and Endrance grab him to keep him on his feet. Haseo shouting at me, "That's going too far! Don't let AIDA strip away your control, Adelha!" Endrance looks so angry I almost flinch. But my words keep going. And no longer is the dissonance a minor note to my voice. It's edged tones having taken over in entirety. "What makes you think she can even speak anymore, Haseo? Or should I say... Ryou Misaki..." Haseo goes bug eyed the same time as Endrance. His silken voice full of aprehension. "Wait... Sakaki told you our real names along with the player information?" My head tilts to the side for a sickening pop to sound out. Those darkened tones continuing. "And addresses and phone numbers and previous character info and much more. She wanted to get in contact with all of you so desperately. The wooden bird she carved sitting on the desk waiting to be gifted to her Elk. And she never breaks her word. You know that well. Kaoru Ichinose." Endrance shivers as Haseo snarls. While Kuhn grips his weapon tight. His words shaking. "Stop it! STOP!" But my grin spreads even as I lift that clawed hand up in a mock gesture. It's fingers clenching with gleeful expectation. "She can't, you clueless fool. I'm the one in control now. That damaged human player is too busy having a seizure. The kind you humans can't get a single breath of air during. And she's across the Pacific besides. Your cardinal bird is going to die very soon. Tomonari Kasumi." Kuhn goes so still he stops breathing. With Endrance looking just as horrified. But it is Haseo that moves first. His roar of anger and fury full blown for him to slash at me with his broadsword weapon. And his words are molten fury. “LET HER GO!” My clawed hand catches the blade with ease. The voice sounding amused even as my eyes continue to bleed. The irisies rolling back in the sockets as I say, “Not until there’s nothing left of her, boy. What chance do you have of stopping this?” I throw Haseo a good distance. My words still broken up like a bad recording. “None of you can save a human over the game. What can any of you players do?” ***** Endrance throws his arms wide to stand in front of Kuhn. And the strike AIDA was going to give halts to tremble in the air. The black needles shivering as Endrance keeps his gaze to mine. Haseo coughs to get up on his knees. With Kuhn gripping his one side to pant for air. But it is Endrance that takes those steps forwards. His blade moving away the needles to clear his path. And his words are ever full of soft grace. “Long ago, a lady gave a shy boy a promise. That no matter the circumstance she would never cause harm to him. That she would instead fight for him. To protect. To defend. To uplift. To steer him towards the proper course. And always would she call him loved. That lady was one who knew the cost of loneliness. She knew what it meant to despair. And so she swore an oath to another sad soul. To place her heart with him even as she held his own as prized.” Endrance lifts his free hand up to lightly touch over one of the needles. His words so warm and soft they have me shiver. “Those oaths are still kept even in the heat of battle. Why else would Haseo and Kuhn be so hurt, yet my own frame has been left unmarred. AIDA may have robbed you of much, Margaret. But you still have enough control to keep your word to me. I know you would never harm me. You would rather die. And that is a very close outcome, Margaret. Which would ruin me in the truest sense.” I can’t help but tremble even as the needles start to fall harmlessly to the ground. Haseo using a few healing items on Kuhn and himself as Endrance keeps walking forwards. The Blade Brandier soon close enough to place his free hand to my face. His touch gentle yet searing as Endrance leans in to whisper in my ear. The words so full of love it sends my all black eyes wide. “My lady has kept her vows. All for her favor to shine through the inked tides. You have no more power over her. And as such we deny your claim over her.” Endrance places his forehead to mine even as I whimper. My words that of my own voice to beg him with aching need. "Endrance... Get Kuhn and Haseo out of here..." Both Kuhn and Haseo still as my words keep going. Endrance keeping his head to mine for his own eyes to close. "The leaves are falling... You'll have seconds... Get them out... Save them..." Endrance opens his eyes to lift up his other hand. His fingers still holding his weapon even as he touches over my face. The blackness over my frame shivering even as I beg. "Kaoru... Ryou... Tomonari... Run..." My body goes limp the same time Endrance hugs me tight. His power washing over me as Macha answers his summons. Her voice sounding over the room as Endrance is flooded over with the markings of his Epitaph. The glowing sigils glaring bright as he hugs me for hearts to touch. The AIDA over me shivers and screams. It's darkness melting away to drop to the ground as Kuhn and Haseo get it in gear. Each one summoning their Epitaph with shouts of power. While Endrance keeps his hold over me. His own Macha fully forming to cradle me in place as the field changes. The AIDA laced over me as hissing snakes. Several of them with fangs buried deep. But the bulk of it is a giant whitened form. It's talons and claws menacing even as it swipes at Skeith. But it is fruitless as Skeith just cleaves the claws in twain with it's scythe. While Magus is more inclined to rip them clean off. It's tail smashing into the whitened creature to have it scream. With Macha holding it in place. The fingers cradling my limp form as the snakes of AIDA coil and writhe. And all while they fight to rip and attack the AIDA that has me in it's sway. Moments of shifting occur to replace Macha, Magus, and Skeith with that of their wielders. Haseo roaring in all his strength. Kuhn gritting his teeth to look more determined than ever. Endrance hugging me close to cradle my head in one hand. His words echoing over the field once they have brought all they may to finish this fight. "We have little time left! Kuhn! Haseo!" Kuhn nods to waste no time. His weapon gleaming even as he roars. And the Data Drain strikes true from both Skeith and Magus. With Macha holding me up for the shot to go through only me and not Endrance in turn. Skeith's attack ripping apart the whitened horror even as Magus focuses on me. And the AIDA shrieks to then shatter. It's remnants bursting as the snakes fall away from me. Macha letting me fall from it's hands as Kuhn flies forwards. His arms out to catch me as he shouts my name. "Adelha!" My eyes stay closed for me to not utter a single breath. Kuhn choking to cradle me to his heart. A few tears falling as he begs, "No... Adelha... Please... Don't go..." Haseo and Endrance are soon their to each take one of my hands. Endrance lacing his other hand to my shoulder. His soft words full of pleading. "Do not leave us Margaret. Stay with us." Haseo grips my hand tight. His own words growled but breaking. "Please. Wake up." ***** Yata looked very unhappy as Haseo and Kuhn ran into the room. Endrance and Pi soon to follow as Zelkova stood with Matsu and Atoli. And Yata was the one to speak first. "We have news. But it is not favorable." Kuhn cuts a hand through the air to state, "Just tell us! How is she?!" Zelkova frowns to shift a little. His words flooring. "Adelha is in the hospital. And this time they have her on full life support. She's not breathing on her own. And her heart has stopped twice. Once in her apartment. The second when you all reset The World. The doctors decided to place her on a special machine. One that provides oxygen to the blood without need for the heart to circulate it. And as such she has not shown any signs that she will ever wake up again..." Everyone in the room flinches. With Kuhn soon falling to his knees to punch a fist to the floor. His shaking evident as Endrance speaks. "But there is still hope?" Yata nods to bring up a screen and look it over. "She'd be in the morgue if I hadn't gotten a hold of someone in her area to break her door down." Haseo blinks to then look stunned. His question expected. "Wait. Who would be in her area that you could contact?" But Endrance goes wide eyed to answer. His voice full of several emotions. "Sanjuro... He was the only one of the .hackers that was also in America. He told Margaret that he was a teacher in Japanese and that he was playing on the Japan server to polish his speech. Margaret grew up in a home that had English and Japanese. So she was more than comfortable with speaking both." Matsu rolls the tension from one shoulder to interject. "She's also fluent in Irish. Her mother is directly from Ireland. She told me it's how she makes a living. She translates novels from one language to another. On top of her family being rich." The others take that in for Kuhn to ask the next question. And his voice is full of agony. "How bad was it..." Yata is reading the screen to shake his head. "Sanjuro found her in bed. In the middle of a grand maul seizure. He had to put his fingers in her mouth to keep her from biting her tongue off." Everyone winces again for Yata to continue. "The only reason she went still is because her heart gave out. And Sanjuro spent a good fifteen minutes trying to resuscitate her. The EMTs got there for him to ride along. If he hadn't been there..." Yata clenches his fist to grit his teeth. The others just as upset as the room goes very quiet. But Atoli asks the next question. "Is this Sanjuro still with her?" Yata nods to swivel the screen so everyone can see. And they all go wide eyed. For there on the screen is a photo. Of a young woman with fire streaked brown hair laying in a hospital bed. And Matsu hisses to recognize the one in the bed. "Addy!" Yata looks to Matsu to ask, "You know what she looks like?" Matsu nods to rub a hand to his head. "She sent me a bunch of photos over my phone. So yes. That's her." Kuhn looks to Matsu to frown. His words a bit flinted. "And when did you two get so damn close?" Matsu growls to cross his arms. "Watch it, lover boy. I'm not your competition, if I was you'd have never gotten anywhere near her. So don't start with me when I'm already planning on stripping your ass for what you've already screwed up. The only one you have to fight with in that regard is Endrance." Kuhn looks to Endrance the same time Endrance reaches down to offer Kuhn a hand back up. And Kuhn takes it willingly. So the two keep their hands together to stare at the other. And it is Endrance that speaks first. "All I want is for Margaret to wake up again. The rest I will gladly let wait. Our lady needs her knights, Kuhn. And so we must focus our efforts." Kuhn nods to pat Endrance on the shoulder with his free hand. And never before has Kuhn looked more serious. But Zelkova poses a question to the others. His voice still soft but commanding. "And to do that, we need to find her in The World. Or wherever she fell into from this place. But so far neither Yata or myself have found a trace of her. She's still logged in. Yet we cannot find her location." But Haseo has a passing thought to step forwards. And his words are full of confidence. "There's only three places she could be. And we can get to each of them easy enough. The first is Hulle Granz Cathedral. The second is Dead World of Indieglut Lugh. The third..." Zelkova finishes to nod his head. Agreeing with the assessment. "Inverted City Megin Fi. It's a sound theory, Haseo. But what if she's in a place that is not so easy to get to?" Haseo clenches his fists before he answers. "Then I open the Gate by ripping it apart! And to Hell with the rest!" But then Yata has a thought to cross his arms. And his words are sobering. "There is one place she might linger we cannot reach. Even of it is one of the Lost Grounds." The others look confused for Zelkova to answer right away. "Balbol Museum? Why would Adelha be there?" But Endrance nods along with Yata. The Blade Brandier agreeing. "It holds all the wisdom of The World. All for Aura. This will not have changed despite the reprogramming. If anything... Aura may have placed Adelha there herself. Out of all the .hackers, Adelha spent personal time with Aura. She gave Aura many gifts in that she read to her and sang songs to her. They called the other friend. So should Adelha have fallen so far, it is not unlikely Aura had her moved to a place of safety. Where no harm might find her." ***** Each of the Descendants of Fiana stand before the altar. Their forms like sentries as Haseo and Kuhn run forwards. Endrance choosing to walk as Haseo kneels over to pant for air. But Kuhn gets right up in Azure Kite's face. His demands a shout. "Where is Adelha?! We know that you all had a hand in keeping her out of the way! So out with it!" Azure Kite seems more interested in watching Endrance walk in than answering. Azure Balmung shifting a bit where he stands. But Haseo tells Kuhn, "Getting hostile with them isn't going to make a difference. They are only the gate keepers and protectors. Yelling won't help." Kuhn gives a tisked noise to step back a bit. "Sorry. I'm just really anxious to find her before the doctors decide to pull the plug on her." Endrance sighs to nod in agreement. But his words are calm. "They won't. One of the other .hackers is a doctor and made several calls to the hospital where Adelha is. He was able to convince them to keep her on life support indefinitely." Haseo asks, "How would he even be able to do that when he is from Japan like us?" But it's Kuhn that answers. "I had CC Corp declare anyone that is a Lost One to not have their life support yanked due to lack of funding. And Yata found out that Adelha listed Endrance, himself, Sanjuro, Matsu, and me as next of kin to oversee her hospital care. So nobody can do anything without getting their legal asses handed to them." Endrance looks to the three Descendants of Fiana to then simply extend his hand. His voice calm but full of insistance. "Please. Take us to the one we seek." But the three simply stand there. None of them move. So Haseo growls to plant his feet to insist with his own words. "You're not here guarding thin air! You all don't show up unless Aura tells you! So what will it take to get you to open the damn door?!" The Descendants look to each other before the answer is given. Azure Kite reaching up to point to his head. Azure Orca nodding to then do the same. While Azure Balmung sways a little in place. And Kuhn realizes the answer to blink. "Music? But what song do we play?" Haseo rubs a hand to his head to growl again. Endrance thinking to then shake his head. They all know I tended to cycle through music on an hourly basis. So it could be one of over fifty songs. But then another walks into the church. And he sounds very annoyed. "You're kidding right? None of you even know that much? Geez. Good thing I decided to show up. Else you'd get nowhere. And I brought a friend along. Someone that cinched it for me." All six pairs of eyes turn to see Matsu walk in the door. And someone is following behind him. That of a Heavy Blade that mirrors a samurai of old. Making Endrance go wide eyed as the two new arrivals walk forwards. The Blade Brandier looking very surprised. "...Sanjuro? Is that you?" The old samurai nods to roll one shoulder. His voice like gravel even as Matsu stands next to him. "That'd be me. Somebody got tall. Good to see you, Elk. Though I wish it was under better circumstances." Haseo and Kuhn look wide eyed as Endrance shakes Sanjuro's hand. His smile very hopeful even as Matsu speaks. "Yata called him to give him the update. Turns out Sanjuro has a portable gaming headset and he got the go ahead to log in." Kuhn frowns to ask, "She okay?" Sanjuro gives a grumble to shake his head. His voice more hard. "She's ice cold and not budging from her limbo. It's why I switched my character to the Japanese server. Though I had to move to another room to lay down in a different bed. They think I'm asleep right now. But I figured you'd need a bit of info on what I found at her house." Sanjuro turns to look to Endrance to smile. "She was gripping that wooden bird the entire time, Elk. She hasn't let go of it yet. Nobody can bring themselves to take it from her. So she's still hanging on. We just have to make the bridge for her to get back." The others nod to then look to the gate keepers. The Descendants of Fiana waiting to have not moved from their places. So Sanjuro looks at Matsu to nod. Matsu nodding in turn to then open his menu. So Haseo asks, "How do you know which song to play?" So Sanjuro looks to Haseo when he answers. "It was the one song playing on a loop when I got into her house. And it's the one she plays the most out of all of them. I checked the history. This has to be it. It was really unsettling how well it fits with this whole scenario too." Matsu flinches as Kuhn frowns. "Which song was it?" So Sanjuro answers. "It's from an anime Adelha fell in love with. Some show called Fate Stay Night Unlimited Blade Works." Kuhn goes wide eyed to finish the comment. "Last Stardust by Aimer." Matsu huffs to finish with his screen. His words full of anxious nerves. "Okay. Hopefully this goes through and doesn't blow our ears out. So say your prayers." Matsu turns the song on for it to play through his computer. The song wafting over each ear piece for the background music in the Hulle Granz Cathedral to even change. Sanjuro gripping his sword automatically. But the change settles over for the Descendants of Fiana to look very pleased. Their heads nodding to the music as the song plays. And Kuhn feels himself shiver as the lyrics wash over him. A kind of knot unfurling as he closes his eyes. Matsu noting, "Wow. You were right. This does suit her by a lot." Haseo nods to look to his one hand. His own comment very unsettled. "I could say the same really. At least it feels that way. It's so pure in sound and rich in emotion I got shivers when I first heard it." Sanjuro closes his eyes to note, "Margaret always loved music that voiced her inner struggles. It's why she always had music playing." The others nod to listen to the song in full. Endrance standing very still as he shivers. But by the end of the song, the music begins again. Matsu blinking a few times to state, "What the- I didn't put this on repeat. What gives?" But Kuhn notes the way the gate keepers turn to face the altar. Each one unsheathing their weapons to point them to that slab of stone. And it is then a tear opens in the air. A glowing mist billowing out as the others stand firm. Until the tear is wide enough for a player to enter. The Azure Knights turning to then step aside. Azure Kite giving a long sigh of air to then point to the portal. And he does so with a forced amount of haste. So all five men nod to hurry forwards. Kuhn being the one to jump in first. Followed closely by Endrance and Matsu. Haseo let's Sanjuro go next before he steels himself. Then he gives a shout to run forwards and vault into the portal. The Descendants of Fiana bowing down to then wait until the players return. ***** The bed was soft under me as I watched the sky change with unblinking eyes. A few butterflies landing in my hair as I lay there unable to move. I didn't twitch. Didn't breathe. I simply existed. And Aura spoke into my ears though I still could not see her. That voice so full of warmth yet so very sad. "How long will you let this death keep you here?" I had no breath or voice to answer. The butterflies soon taking flight to land in the flowered bushes that were close to the bed. This same bed that once held Aura. Before she had awoken in The World. Her prison as much as her place of beginning. The place that would mean my end. And yet I was willing to stay. To linger and become a permanent fixture in this scenery of olden memory. The teddy bear floating in the air next to my foot. And I just watched as the sky kept changing. From simple clouds to stars to sunrise and to many other visions. Sights of days long past filtering into the canopy to play like home movies. My mother singing to me as I lay in my crib. My father smiling at me to offer his last bite of onigiri while I sat in my high chair. Learning to read as my grandfather played the koto for my grandmother. Flying a kite with my parents one summer afternoon. The memories played on and on as I lay there. And there were other voices besides Aura that I could hear in the distance. Her own voice sounding right next to my ear. "You have visitors. And they came a long way to get to you." Then those footsteps got louder. A shout soon followed a figure nearly toppling over to kneel over me as I lay in that bed. Kuhn looking down at me in fear and much sadness. His eyes streaming for those droplets of hot salt water to land on my face. One even landing in my eye to trace down that cheek. And I was unable to do anything other than watch. Kuhn begging and pleading as he took in the sight of me. "Adelha! We're here! Wake up! Adelha! Why aren't you moving?! Say something! Just what-" But then Endrance comes into view on my other side. And he looks very concerned before reaching his hand out. His fingers hovering over my nose and lips. Kuhn goes dead still as the moment lengthens. Haseo soon voicing his presence. "She's not breathing, is she Endrance. Just like in the real world." Endrance flinches to close his eyes and nod. Kuhn reaching out his own hand to press his fingers into my neck. His eyes still streaming as he shudders in agony. "No... There's no pulse... She's... Adelha! Please no! You can't be gone!" Then Matsu makes a grumbled noise from behind them to stomp over. His growl full of worry. "Enough Kuhn. Her avatar is still here. And therefore she has to still be here. So stop lamenting and start thinking." Kuhn closes his eyes to rub at his face with one arm. His rended pain plain to see as he gives a hard cough of air. Then he just sits himself in the bed right next to me, his breaths of air coming in hard drags and sobs. Endrance then moves away to then sit on the bed by my feet, which has Matsu move into my field of vision to look down at me instead. His eyes taking me in with a fierce frown as he curses. "Damn it all Addy. You have to still be in there somewhere. I won't accept that you just up and faded away to leave all of us hanging. That ain't you and we all know it. So what will it take to get you up and living again." Endrance shakes his head to lace his hand in mine and grip as tight as he can. His eyes turning to the sky as the memories continue to play. Haseo also looking up with his arms crossed for him to watch. "Just like with Atoli. Her memory for whoever is here to relive with her. I'm guessing that Wavemaster is you, Endrance?" The Blade Brandier hums in confirmation to give a nod of his head. His voice soft as he speaks. "She had invited Mia and myself to go dungeon raiding. So we could upgrade our weapons and hunt for Aromatic Grass in the open fields. We spent hours searching the map and the dungeon below. And I was the only one to find any Aromatic Grass. I immediately gave it to Mia. Who was very pleased to pat my head and thank me. And I was so happy to be praised by my Mia. It wasn't until after I had logged out that I realized I never once thanked Margaret for taking us to that area. Or for spending all that time with us looking. I hadn't even thought to give her a thank you when we got back into town." Haseo watches as they see my reaction to when Elk had given Mia his gift. And they see the sadness in my eyes even though I had turned away. And how I had just waved to Elk and Mia when they logged out from town. That smile crumbling as I leaned into a wall. Looking very hurt as I rubbed one hand to my face. But then they see another walk up. That of a samurai to look at me with understanding. Then he stood next to me to place a hand to my shoulder. I looked up to hear him speak with that tough smirk he always wore. And even though there is no audio to these memories, I hear Sanjuro speak for him to echo what was said in that moment. "It is so like a kid to forget their manners. So don't think that what you do isn't appreciated, Margaret. Because when you give in good faith to others, you get back even more." Matsu moves away for another to take his place. And there looking down at me is an older yet very familiar face. His hair much longer and done in a ponytail. The strands of red mixed brown holding white streaks in several places. His one eye no longer hidden behind that black eye patch. And his eyes are the same faded hazel wood color as before. His face exactly the same as his first avatar. And he looks down at me with a sad expression. A gloved hand soon placed at my cheek for his words to wash over me at long last. "God I missed you Margaret. Spent so much time wondering where you were. And here you are. As cold and lifeless as the body in the hospital bed I've been sitting next to." Sanjuro traces that hand down my face to sigh with a hard huff of air. His voice deeper and more flinted as he berates himself. "Five blocks. That's how far away you were from me. Five damn blocks that might as well have been an ocean or more. I ran that whole way to get to your little house by the park. Never ran harder in my whole life. Kicked the door down when I did get there, too. It was really damn clear you were in a bad mess. The banging and thrashing you were making was audible from the street. And I had to hold you down as you thrashed like someone was electrocuting you." His eyes water for tears to fall. Matsu placing a hand to his shoulder as Sanjuro chokes up a bit. "You died right in front of me, Margaret. Fifteen minutes for the ambulance to get there. And that whole time I was cursing up a storm when I wasn't giving you air. Doctors told me I thrust down so hard I broke your sternum. But now we found you to make this right. From what Matsu said, you're still the same soul. And that means all you want now is what you wanted then. To have those that share love with you in your life. I know it took way too long for me to get to you. But I'm here now and I sure ain't letting you go without a Hell of a fight." Haseo walks over to stand at the head of the bed. His own eyes so much different than when he first met me. No longer is there that wild anger and short temper. Instead a more collected and serious gaze in those eyes as he watches me. And Sanjuro sits himself down on my other side to lift me up. His arms like great oak trees as he hugs me close. Endrance moving to still hold my hand tight as Kuhn reaches out to grip my other hand. Matsu soon reaching out to place his own hand to my shoulder. Haseo watching to grip tight to the bed frame. Sanjuro hugs me tight for my head to rest against his collar. His breath washing over the top of my head as I note the ever so soft drumming of his heart. And Sanjuro speaks with that grizzled bear of a voice I've ached to hear with all of my being. "I love you so much, squirt. We all do. We love you, Margaret. In our own ways. These young men have made it clear they want to keep you with them. And I want the same. I waited all these years to see you. Don't make me wait anymore. It's time for you to wake up. And be with the people that have been beside you all along." Sanjuro places a kiss to my head as the others nod in agreement. And something inside me finally gets warm. A stirring of heat that tickles at my senses. And I hear Endrance give a gasp of a noise to put both his hands in mine. Kuhn asking, "Endrance? What-" But Endrance cuts Kuhn off to exclaim, "Her hand moved in mine!" The others look hopeful as that warmth inside me spreads. Kuhn soon giving a gasp of his own as he places his free hand to my wrist. "You're right! Adelha, come on now!" Soon enough that warmth has filled me in entirety. Giving me enough strength to take a full and long breath of air. The sound so soft yet it sends all five men into a state of much excitement and relief. Sanjuro rumbling a hum of ease as Kuhn sobs to place his lips to my hand. Endrance lifting my hand up to place it to his heart as tears fall from his eyes. Matsu laughing as Haseo grins. All five of them watching as I murmur a little to then take another breath of air. Sanjuro keeping me upright as he rumbles, "Take it slow, Margaret. You've been lifeless for quite a while. It will take a little bit of time for you to regain your senses." Sanjuro then looks to Matsu to tell him, "Take my place here. The doctors will be running to my room any second now." Matsu nods to sit down on the bed. Sanjuro handing me over for Matsu to keep me upright. Haseo notes to the samurai, "Thank you." Sanjuro gives a bow of his head before he logs himself out of the game. Kuhn scooting a bit closer as he keeps his fingers to my wrist. "Adelha. It's all gonna be all right now." Matsu is smirking as he laces one hand into my hair to hug me close. His sigh very full of relief. "You scared us really good, Addy. Welcome back though." I gave a mumbled noise before my hands twitch. Endrance smiling despite his tears as he keeps my one hand to his heart. Words of soft joy pouring from his lips. "I have never been more grateful in all my life. We missed you so much, Margaret. So very much." Haseo nods to then say, "And now that we have you back, we won't ever let you fall again." It takes but a moment more before I lift my head up. My eyes blinking to clear my vision. And the first person I see is Matsu. His eyes misted over as he smirks at me. My words very faded but warm. "Matsu... How long... Was I gone...?" Matsu frowns for Haseo to answer instead. "Since the take over of Moon Tree, it's been twenty days." I feel so tired and yet so warm. My eyes clearing to really see. And I note, "And I'm... Really in game... As in I am my actual avatar..." Matsu nods to then hug me tight. Kuhn squeezing my hand as he nods. "We had to jump in all the way to get to you. So we're all probably laying in a bed out for the count outside of the game." The news has me close my eyes as such settles over me. And I take a deep breath to enjoy these blessed sensations that are more real than the waking world. My hand that Endrance has to his heart noting every strong pump against my palm and fingers. How Kuhn is gripping my hand so tight I can feel the rushing of blood through his fingers. How Haseo reaches out to lace his hand into my hair. And how Matsu is crushing me in his hug. And I have never been more happy in my entire life. "You guys... Are really here... Really actually here in my line of sight... My wish came true after all..." ***** Endrance lays with me on that soft bed for the others to wait a ways off. And I am hugging him as tight as possible to cry into his front. His hands cradling me close as I sob and hiccup. My words so full of emotion. "Elk... I missed you... So much... I'm so sorry... It took me so long... Please forgive me..." But Endrance simply hugs me close to sigh. His words so soft and full of love. "There is nothing to forgive. You were there when I needed you. Loving me even when you did not know it. And I am so very glad I was able to save you the way that you saved me." Endrance lifts my gaze to look into my eyes. And there is relief there as well as love. His voice so warm and sweet. "Hello Margaret. It is so very good to meet you face to face at long last." I give a choked hiccup to then lean forwards. Placing my forehead to his as I shiver all over. "I waited for so long... To really see you and hug you tight... I just- I- I'm not sure what to-" Endrance reaches up to place his fingers to my lips. And such stuns me so much I forget to breathe. His chuckle rich and warm. "You may call me Kaoru. And you may do so whenever you wish. Now then, you said there was something you wanted to do for a very long time. And so I urge you to do so. Go ahead, Margaret. Give me what you have desired to gift to me for far too long." I give a gasp to go very still. Endrance waiting patiently as I blush. But then I move to wrap my arms around his neck. And I place my lips to his to give Endrance that deep kiss I've been aching to give him for so long. Endrance goes wide eyed before going as red as the roses in his hat. Then his eyes roll back for him to hug me tight and kiss me back. And oh does this feel perfect. Our hearts touching as I drown in the sensation. Then I feel Endrance tilt my head to kiss me again. His hold on me gripped tight as we go up in flames. And when we do come up for air we are gasping and panting like we ran a marathon. And I swear I will etch this moment onto my soul for the rest of eternity. My words a molten sonnet. "My glorious soul of sculpted beauty and vibrant elegance... My heart has pined for your embrace with every tumbled flutter... And now you're here for me to savor... With every inhalation and sensation... No Heaven will compare... To what I hold in this moment... Kaoru... I love you with all of my heart and soul..." Endrance gives a shuddered breath of heated joy and desire. His heart giving fierce pounding motions against his sternum to echo against my own. And I shudder in the bliss of my heart matching the motions to fly to his own caged in his ribs. His nose to my own even as he presses my chest to his in a heated need we both are being consumed by. And his words are molten sunlight. "Margaret... Oh my beautiful Margaret... It hurts and soars... I've never felt so alive... Or so pained... Every heartbeat aches... I can barely think... Can barely breathe..." So I take the opportunity to hum and shiver in his hold. My words a breathless promise. "Kaoru... I'll keep your heart... I'll savoir every pumped beat in my hands... I'll cradle your heart and your life in my embrace... With every breath I take and every second I have... Please my Kaoru... My beloved angel of divine light... Take my own heart... Devour my soul... Capture all that I am... Pry my ribs open... Take out my heart as it trembles only for you... Give me a joyous reason to want it to keep beating... If only to feel your fingers against it... Kaoru... Love me now and forevermore... And I will live and love you with all my existence... I've wanted and loved you for so long already... Be mine... And take me as yours..." *****alternate***** Matsu logs out for it to just be myself and Kuhn. His sigh full of fatigue as he reaches a hand up to rub at the back of his head. "Why'd I pick an avatar with a ponytail. Having this much hair is annoying." I give a chuckle to look to the ceiling. My words full of warmth when I speak. "Actually, that long blue hair is what got my attention. Then you spoke into your mike and my toes curled. You have a captivating voice, Kuhn. And before I knew it I was falling for you. With every time we went through a dungeon or went to an event together. Just from your voice and the way you talked to me." Kuhn goes really still to start blushing as I recite a few things. And I know I'm as red as can be by the end. "Now don't you go making me fall for a beautiful woman. My heart could not take such. Especially if you just up and leave me to break my heart later. Oh so cruel it is to fall in love with such passion for a lovely maiden as this. It ruins me, yet I cannot seem to help myself. I am powerless before a beautiful maiden with such fire in her soul." I turn my head slightly to gaze at Kuhn from the side. And I'm breathless by now. "You have no idea how well that worked on me. How well all your gestures of endearment worked on me. Even when I was trying not to let you in. Even when I wanted to be with Endrance first and didn't want to fall for another guy. Yet I was powerless to stop what you did to me. You all but pried my ribs open to take my heart from me. And for the life of me I could only wonder if you would ever feel the same about me." Kuhn gives a gasp of noise to turn and really look at me. His blush spreading to his ears and down his neck as I turn away to look back up to the ceiling. And my words are full of heat. "Didn't matter you are in Japan. Didn't matter you were a flirt with every girl that looked older than seventeen. Didn't matter how much Pi warned me. The only time it hurt was when I found out you were the one that had suspended my forum priviledges and had deleted all my questions to find my friends. And even then I still was in love with you. Even when I pieced it together about you and Minase from what Sakaki gave me. Even then... I wanted to let you in to forgive you... I wanted to let you make it all right and how it was before... And I still do... I want you... To have my heart... Tomonari..." Kuhn stops breathing at this point. And I don't have the courage to look his way. I just stand there with tears in my eyes. My words sounding slightly uneven. "Have you ever realized how horrible it is to be in love? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest, ruins your heart, and lets that someone in far enough to destroy all that you are from the inside out." I shiver all over to lower my head. And my words ache. "You sure did that well enough... And yet I want more... I do love Kaoru dearly... He's the brother and friend and so much more to me than words could describe... But you are the one I am in love with the most Tomonari... Living without you... Is like inhaling knives... It slices into my lungs worse than anything I've ever known... And yet you never once said you are in love with me... I could be so wrong and have wasted so much time waiting for you for nothing... And yet I can't say I regret falling for you... The moments you gave me were good and precious... So if that is the case... Then you don't need to say anything... I won't ask for more than what you can give..." I hurt so much that breathing becomes painful. But then Kuhn walks up behind me. His hands reaching up to grip tight over my heart. And my hands cover his automatically. My eyes squeezed shut as I pant for air. And we stand there for a long moment as Kuhn hugs me tight from behind. Until his words whisper in my ear. So full of warmth and sweetness. "I was so desperate to keep you from getting hurt... And all I did was hurt you instead... I didn't want to watch you fade away like Minase... I swore I'd save you no matter the cost... I wasn't going to do anything other than bring you back from that dark blackness that ripped you away from all of us... I would fight and give my life to make sure your heart stayed beating... To save the woman I love..." I give a slight sob to go very still. Kuhn placing a soft kiss to my neck as he continues. "I failed you when you needed me most... And I know I don't deserve you anymore after what I put you through... And yet I beg of you to let me have you... All of you... Every good and bad and broken piece of you... In game and outside in the real world... I love you Margaret... More than my next breath... More than my next heartbeat... More than any other memory or feeling... Please Margaret... Forgive me of my failings... And make me yours..."

[allthepeoplepod]

Dancing with the Madness: Finding Community in the Dizzying World of Indie Podcasting.

“People are really listening and want to consume all of the content that is there and available. There’s a level of dedication that comes from podcast listeners that you don’t otherwise find. And now the numbers prove it. Podcasts aren’t a bubble, they’re a boom—and that boom is only getting louder.” - Miranda Katz

If you ask your friends, “what is your favorite podcast?” chances are at least a few of them would give you an enthusiastic answer. An estimated 75% of Americans are familiar with the term “podcasting” and around 50% of US homes self-describe as having at least one podcast fan. An estimated 24% of Americans listen to at least one podcast on a weekly basis. To supply this large and ever-expanding audience, there is subsequently a seemingly endless supply of new podcasts. And, that’s not much of an exaggeration, there are an estimated 525,000 active podcasts that feature millions of episodes about everything… literally. One of the things that makes podcasts so compelling for listeners is that, no matter what subject interests them, there is an abundance of options. That makes sense. What is a little harder to understand, is exactly who makes these shows and why.

 I am a podcaster. It’s a bit cliché at this point to admit to being a twenty-something, white, podcaster, but I can’t deny the truth. For me, it was a pretty natural choice: I started as a really bad songwriter with too much invested in recording equipment, and then decided that telling stories was easier, and better suited to my strengths. It was a great choice. What is harder to understand though, is the motives of other podcasters. There is a very active community of podcasters online, at the time I’m writing this #podcast had over 1,000 tweets in the last hour. Clicking that hashtag in my search bar transported me to a list of episode links that seemed to scroll for eternity. Shows about food, military history, true crime, and politics, displaying themselves like billboards with shoddy art and blue hyperlinks dotted throughout the black text begging for listeners. It’s a great way to find new shows, but it’s a really bad way to connect with the people who make them.

  The Venue Dictates the Product

 In stark contrast to the thousands of tweets featuring #podcast, there were only about 100 tweets in the last hour featuring #podcaster. And, ironically, they too were mostly digital billboards. Links to shows. Those tweets had very little to do with podcasters and everything to do with podcasts. Finding a community of podcast creators was far more difficult than I anticipated, but those communities exist, and can be found with enough effort and creativity.

 One observation that became apparent immediately is that the venue greatly effects the product. By that I mean, Twitter seems almost exclusively to be used for promotion, while the subreddit r/podcasting hosts over 50,000 members posting about all sorts of things related to the art (and often the struggle) of podcasting. Posts with titles like Thoughts on this Rode PSA1 amateur ($550) set up? or simply Help Starting fill the page. Similarly, private communities on Facebook like Underdog Podcasting Community features posts of users celebrating successes and asking for advice on microphones and software.

 Similarly, there exists an entire market of people promising to optimize your podcast. Some are obviously scammers trying their very best to get a quick Venmo payment. The grift is simple; it usually begins with a message like, “I am a professional podcast promoter and will get you a million downloads by the end of the month” and ends with “for the low price of $1,000.” While others look professional. They have nice, polished websites, and flashy art to back up their claims of being famous podcasters or producers, but they ultimately hide their “No-fail advice” behind a paywall and promise to email it to you if you just “sign up for their newsletter.”

  Dancing with the Madness

The greatest mistake that I made when starting this project was that I limited myself to #podcasting on Twitter. I tried to carve out a path in what turned out to be a cement block. There just isn’t enough engagement there. As I’ve said, it is mostly a graveyard of links that will never be clicked and advertisements for episodes that will go largely unheard. So, I expanded my scope and, in doing, feel as if I have a much better understanding of the online community of podcasters.

 Once I left the #podcasting graveyard behind, I found a networked community rich in value and diversity. As podcasts can be about literally anything, the content is extremely varied, however the one constant was the mission: support. On nearly every podcasting community that I participated in the primary focus was support. And, for good reason, being a DIY podcaster is an uphill battle to say the least. Podcasts produced by giant networks like iHeartRadio and Wondery pull in millions of views per episode while the average amount of downloads per episode among all podcasts is about 130. To combat the giant marketing budgets and professional audio engineers held by major podcasting networks, podcasting communities like r/podcasting and Underdog Podcasting Community share every tip and trick available to help their users gain traction on a muddy, steep, slope.

 My class required interaction went rather poorly. I tried using images, polls, additional hashtags, and tagging well-established members of the community but got virtually no engagement. I even tried to cheat and shared a tweet or two from my podcasts Twitter profile, but even that was basically useless. I got a few likes, a few poll responses, and a few retweets, but basically no engagement. So, I started doing extracurricular interaction…

 On r/podcasting I posted Patreon help? A post where I asked the r/podcasting community if they had any experience with the crowdfunding website Patreon. That post did not earn many upvotes, but it did prompt 19 comments that were full of very helpful advice. Similarly, on the Facebook group Underdog Podcasting Community I posted a request for some direction after gaining some unexpected popularity. The community responded by sending me tons of supportive comments, and private messages full of great ideas. Through this post I was actually connected to other users who featured me on guest spots, interviews, and even podcast reviews.

  So, what?

 After conducting this research, I’m left with a resounding conclusion. There are two podcasting worlds. One; a stack of brochures and advertisements. Bold letters begging to be read. Conversations dying to be heard. Grifters offering to “Get you a million downloads” in exchange for a small fortune. The other; a vibrant, rich world where passionate people gather together to exchange advice and try their very best to beat an unbeatable system. People who are armchair experts, undiscovered talent, truth seekers, entertainers, but above all else, they are supporters. I can honestly say that through my interactions within these communities I have made genuine friendships. Or, at least, as close of thing to friendship one can make in a purely online community. I have never seen these people face to face, but they have helped me reach my goals. They have checked on me when I’ve been downtrodden. We’ve shared laughs, some recorded, some not. And, perhaps that’s what the podcasting community is about. Maybe, rather than trying to compete with professionally produced shows like Lore or My Favorite Murder it’s about finding people to support and be supported by. A place for unexpected friendship.

 To listen to my friends, visit allthepeoplenetwork.com I can’t promise that you’ll love every show there, but I can promise you that the people who make them are some of the very best on the internet. And, that their shows are really good, and you’ll probably love them.

Sources:

Winn, Ross. 2020 Podcast Stats & Facts (New Research From Oct 2020). 6 Oct. 2020, www.podcastinsights.com/podcast-statistics/.

[getoffthesoapbox]

Let’s start with our first discussion and the points you made. You theorized that a gene(s) was switched on/off, which is a concept in genetics however this would typically be seen during the production of a protein as a response to a stimulus. As I mentioned before (a lot lol), this could occur in the case of a virus that switches a gene on to cause a cell to continue to grow endlessly, which eventually leads to the development of a tumor. But… we’re not talking about that. (3/?)

You were actually talking about the expression of genes, but since we can actually see traits of vampires like bloodlust, these would be phenotypes, physical expressions. These types of genes will (normally) not be switched on/off. For example, my DNA isn’t going to regulate that I sometimes express brown eyes and other times don’t. And while, yes, having a gene that is normally turned off turn on by some outside factor is a form of a mutation, this theory assumes that all humans in VK… (4/?)

Considering the basic traits of all vampires as pale skin, beauty, immunity, fangs, nocturnal, and experiencing bloodlust, we can argue that these traits embody the Vmpr gene, making it pleiotropic, a gene that leads to multiple expressions. This would be the basis that determines whether someone is a vampire or a human. However, you could argue that their beauty can be related to their pale skin due to the different beauty standards across cultures. (6/?)

Although from an ecological perspective, enhanced beauty would help them easily attract their prey. You could also argue that their circadian rhythm is nocturnal because their prey (humans) would be tired and unable to see well in the dark, which could lead to them having pale skin since they wouldn’t need as much melanin, a natural sunscreen. This is based on the basis that although adaptations help organisms, they just need to be “good enough” to ensure survival and reproduction. (7/?)

(Salty and was blocked T.T) This also explains why Yuuki and Takuma both referred to the sun as harsh, and why Senri gets sunburned easily. You could also argue that fangs are coded by more than one gene since they might have varying lengths. Continuing with that thought, speed, strength, and mortality vary across the different levels of vampires (well, I’m not sure about speed), so these would be polygenic traits, where more than one gene codes for a trait. (8/?)

It’s also interesting to note that Aristocrats are genetically different from Average vampires as evident by their abilities and not just their wealth. As for the inheritance of abilities for Aristocrats, I’m not exactly sure how this would be coded since we’re not shown, for example, what abilities the child of parents that can manipulate ice or fire would have. I also don’t recall being shown what level the child of an Average and Pureblood vampire would be (9/?)

Moving on to Purebloods, their traits appear to be similar (control of other vampires, turning humans, death by injury to head or heart), so this appears to be another case of a pleiotropic gene that can be referred to as the “Prbd” gene. Ok, so considering everything I said, it’s possible that the Progenitors had mutations at multiple loci (locations of genes), which would explain the numerous genes that code for vampires. (10/?)

And another reason why the Progenitors were rare could be that there actually were some “potentials” that had deleterious genes that decreased their fitness. For example, some may not have had fangs that were sharp enough to effectively consume blood, were not fast enough or able to see well in the dark to hunt. As such, these people would not compose of the Progenitors, as they would probably die relatively early and, thus, limited the Progenitors numbers. (11/?)

Of course, this is taking a more “traditional” view on vampire lore by considering the concept of predator vs. prey, but… Hino kind of tossed that out the window by not making human blood a necessity. So now, there’s the difficulties of mapping this all out in a genetic pathway, which still doesn’t make sense to me in terms of patterns of inheritance, but I’m no expert or geneticist for that matter. Plus… again, fiction. I’m trying to work with what I got here lol :P (12/?)

Ack, I left you hanging on this for over a week; mea culpa. Initially I was waiting for your update for the missing ask we’d discussed previously, but then I got distracted by my new game and didn’t even glance back at tumblr once. >_

Also, @imaginarylights mentioned to me that it might save you a lot of trouble in the future if I opened up submission posts for you. I’ve done so here; if you want to remain anon, you can, but it does require an email address (if you want to be anonymous, you’ll have to sign out of your tumblr account if you use one). I’d recommend just making your name VK Science Anon and creating a temp email or something, that way you can preserve your anonymity if you don’t want to use your real email address. =) But it’s up to you. Anyway, this is now at your disposal if you’d like, that way we don’t have to worry about tumblr eating your asks or giving you limitations. =)

Housekeeping aside, to respond to your thoughts:

Okay so now we’re getting in deeper into genetics than my own pop culture genetic understanding goes, which is great, but I don’t have a lot to say to this one, fufu. I’m trying to wrap my head around this in more of a layman’s form but what you’re saying (I think) is that the initial “prbd” gene (fufu) is one that basically was there at inception for the progenitors, because the traits they exhibit are relatively uniform (with some variants of course) across the board, which narrows us down to this having to be in place for the progenitors since their conception, rather than some kind of external or environmentally induced factor affecting them later on in their lives. The pressure on the genes to express prbd instead of human would have had to have come when they were still egg/sperm mode (or perhaps during development?). Am I understanding that right?

What would influence a regular human’s genetic legacy to switch into this prbd gene? Are you thinking human DNA just always had the ability to express the prbd genes but for whatever reason never did until whatever X factor led to the expression? And since it hadn’t ever expressed itself before, there would obviously be failed expressions of it (such as the shorter fangs, or insufficient blood intake you were mentioning). So okay we know Purebloods need 2-4 years to gestate in a Pureblood parent. What does that mean for the regular humans who birthed the progenitors? Did they just have long pregnancies? And we know Purebloods eat energy until they’re around 8/9, then they “teethe” and their fangs extend–what does that mean for the human parents of the progenitors? Did the Ancestress make her parents her servants accidentally? (Sorry, this is a tangent I know, but it was a disturbing track my mind leapt to that I realized wasn’t ever addressed.)

Anyway, your thoughts on why they would have enhanced beauty and lighter skin make sense to me; they’re about in line with what I’d expect. (Traditionally vampires are pale ‘cause, well, they’re dead, but Hino’s aren’t so evolution for night activity makes more sense.) I think the bigger thing than their beauty though, and this is touched on in the story, at least as far as attracting prey, is charisma. That seems to be the key mechanism for drawing prey to them. That I can definitely see as some kind of genetic expression as well; it enhances or increases some hormone or something that increases personal magnetism. 

Side note, but Zero isn’t really bothered much by the sun (at least not as much as the other vampires). Which is kind of odd, given he’s the lowest class. Do you think this might just be because of his own weird genes which were able to combat the vampiric ones in the womb? So maybe even as a vampire his genes still express more human traits?

I do think predator vs. prey was Hino’s idea for the reasons why vampires were the way they were in her stories, but then she sort of threw a wrench into the mix with the whole “blood of the one you love” business (and that’s more a romantic thing than anything; it’s likely not going to hold up to scientific scrutiny). But I do think on the whole at least we still have predator vs. prey going on. What are your thoughts on how the whole blood satisfaction thing fits into the greater genetic picture? 

I don’t think we’ve seen anyone who is Pureblood/Average, Pureblood/Servant, or Pureblood/human yet. Ren is an anomaly probably given how bizarre Zero’s genetics are (he seems to have Pureblood-attracting charisma and human gene dominance), but Ren’s about the closest we have. Shiki is the only Pureblood/Noble. The rest of the NC appears to be Noble/Noble or Noble/Average at best. We do know that Noble/Human can have children thanks to Aidou and Yori, but what exactly Aidou’s child is with Yori Hino hasn’t seen fit to explore. 

Anyway, sorry again for keeping you hanging here and for my inept response lol. Please carry on with your thoughts when/if you have time! =) 

[allisonperryart]

The Business of Art w/ Jeremy Cranford (Blizzard Entertainment) @ The Art Institute of California Inland Empire (7/29/17)

Special thanks to Jeremy Cranford and Thomas Brilliante for making this event possible. For more updates on future events like this in the southern California area, please consider following Inland Arts on FaceBook. (Text-only version of this document available on FaceBook)

James Cranford’s life

Humble beginnings: migrant parents, food stamps, etc.

Attending college was difficult because of finances, but he ended up studying graphic design because he got a scholarship

After doing graphic design for years, he got an art directing job with "Magic the Gathering” and working in games/illustration since 1996

Worked on “Metal World” style guide for “Mirrodin” set (2002)

What would environments look like on a metal planet? Rust, things hovering with magnetism, rolling silver plane, big metal spikes, mercury seas, retina green forests

Environments help you solve what the humanoids/creatures will look like in the environment

The humanoids/creatures? Enamel/scabs is replaced with metal, big metal bracers on humanoids

Also worked on "Spirit World” style guide for "Kamigawa” set (2003)

Started with the desire to help MtG sell better in Japan, which was a challenge because traditionally MtG is based on Arthurian lore/visuals

Unsure about just having American/Western artists riff on Japanese imagery, so he hired some Japanese artists to create more authentic content, which resulted in a very different feel

Example of a brief he didn’t like that he turned around into an engaging project

Also worked on “Ravnica” style guide

Brief: “overdeveloped urban fantasy setting”

Mountains = smelting buildings

Lead was very against having buildings on land cards, but this is an example of Jeremy challenging convention… why could land cards have buildings!?

Risked his job on this point because he really believed in it, and it ended up being a great decision

The creative solution may be an uphill battle, but it will always win out

Plains = created by the tops of buildings, inspired from looking out at the city from the World Trade Center

Swamps = city sewers, obviously

Forest = where they grew their food

First set when they started mixing colors (which are like “cultures” in MtG lore), which was an awesome opportunity to expand and develop new ideas

Blue/green = technology elves

Black/green = voodoo elves (inspired by New Orleans)

Black/red = fire demons, obviously

White/black = basically Catholicism

Red/white = military

Blue/red = mage + technology

First set to have a promo video (inspired by game cinematic trailers, intended to introduce the world)

Began working on World of Warcraft at Blizzard when they released a trading card game

Style was a bit of a learning curve (less realistic, more stylized)

Soon after, started working on miniatures game, which taught him a lot about manufacturing and allowed him to travel to China, etc.

He took a risk and left Blizzard to start a start-up with his friends called Solforge

It was fun for about 6 months, but he never regretted the experience because he learned a lot 

Goal was to push things more sic-fi (nuclear winter world) 

His philosophy over the years has been to take risks, embrace junctures in life, and have faith in the direction you’re going

Every time he took a risk, the pay off ended up being worth it 

The universe has a way of showing you the path that’s most right for you 

He says most of what he’s tried never works out, and he just ends up doing the next best thing - which turns out to be his career 

Doesn’t always know what he wants to do, but definitely knows what he doesn’t want to do 

Always wants to challenge convention 

“Don’t try to make the art you do what you think it should do, rather let the art take you where it wants to go.” - Ben Thompson 

“Leap, and build your wings while you’re falling.” - Ray Bradbury Finds inspiration from Borge Ousland (first human to go from Russia to Alaska)

Saw people’s discouragement as feedback/critique 

Constant failures for 10 years, but learned a little every step of the way that led to his eventual success 

Stick with it

Also finds inspiration from Richard MacDonald (inspirational sculptor, experienced a lot of misfortune, embodies the blind faith Jeremy talks about)

Advice for mastering your craft, building a portfolio, and being a professional

Being an art director is like being a coach - if the product isn’t performing well, the company looks to replace the art director 

It may take you longer to master your craft than 4 years in college (DaVinci took 7 years)… be patient with yourself! 

When he looks for an artist, he looks for a professional

Master your skills

Master drawing, anatomy, and rendering light onto form

Go to life drawing regularly… even if you’re not in school 

He oftentimes looks at the hands

Master design, not just drawing realistically

Creaturebox is a great example 

Large, medium, small shapes 

High density detail (busy) vs. low density detail (rest)

Master painting and color theory

Nathan Fowkes is a great example 

The best color is not always the most “realistic” colour

Master composition, eye flow, value groups, and negative shapes

Wayne Reynolds and Frazetta are great examples 

If you’re struggling, check out Edgar Payne’s book on composition 

Have a plan before you paint and add all your detail 

Jomaro adds “working in threes” is a good idea - working in twos becomes “equal” and too “balanced”

Master story, emphasis, mood, and point of view

Ian McQue's work in the “John Carpenter” art book is a great example 

Just because your rendering is perfect doesn’t mean people will care about what you’re drawing 

What are you trying to communicate? Write that down and make sure you execute it! 

Creating without a clear objective is a waste of time

Don’t cheat yourself - if you’re trying to hide your flaws… fix them!

Don’t use effects/tricks to hide your shortcomings

After you master your skills, target a market and advertise yourself (ArtStation, DeviantArt contests, etc.)

Send out cold-emails 

See if you can get current employees to refer you to art directors 

If you get rejected, evaluate your work and actually assign yourself tasks to improve on it

Pro life tips!!

Don’t be a drunk (why party when you can improve your skill?) 

Dedicate yourself to your career/something higher/something you love 

Have some range (in your portfolio) - never say “that’s not my style!”

Consider: reality vs. fantasy (in content), realism vs, abstraction (in style)

“I’m on it!” Never be an emotional tax on your team/leads - art directors will always go back to the artists that make things easy

This doesn’t mean be a pushover

"Show me the Money!” Think about how much you’re being paid and how many hours you’re putting in… are you even getting paid minimum wage?

If you’re being paid less than you’re worth/less than minimum wage, it’s not worth it… and you’re hurting the whole industry! 

You’re better off investing in yourself - work at Starbucks and build a strong portfolio at night/on the weekends

As your skills go up, the money goes up (you need to go from good to great if you’re going to make it) 

Do you know why you do what you do?

If it’s for the money… maybe you should just go into banking, because this isn’t really a path to make money 

Jeremy does it because he simply enjoys it, which takes the pressure off

"You’re okay, I’m okay”

Growing up, Jeremy had a lot of depression because he was seeking external approval 

If you get your approval from within, you aren’t giving the power to others to put you down 

You’re the final authority on how you fell about yourself, how you treat others, and what you love and want to do

There’s beauty in diversity - just be good to each other and celebrate your differences

Question time!

Where should I go to school?

Depends on what you want and how your learn best - really successful people have not gone anywhere and really unsuccessful people have gone to great schools 

Maybe consider non-traditional schooling like GumRoad and New Masters Academy 

At the end of the day, you need the skills, and however you get them doesn’t really matter

How do you manage your time to develop range and show that range in a portfolio?

When you email an AD/recruiter, consider attaching 3 images that highlight what that contact is looking for in the email… and then lead them to the rest of your work if they’re interested

That’s all you need for “portfolio geared to a company” - you don’t need a full portfolio geared to a portfolio if you have 3-5 images you can attach to an email

Keep your portfolio updated! Don’t leave up bad work from a long time ago! 

Even when you’re not asked to, following up on feedback from ADs/recruiters with new work is a great way to stay in contact and establish your worth 

If you gear your portfolio towards one company and you can’t get into that company, you might have trouble getting into other companies 

However, if you have a very rangey portfolio, sometimes all you need is an art test to prove you can execute the style 

Know your stylistic limitations, too - if you know you can’t do something, don’t waste your time and the AD/recruiter’s 

Having trouble focusing? Set an explicit goal for yourself/make an assignment for yourself… and set a deadline for it (or else you’ll never finish it)!

How do you connect with an AD without being annoying but also not getting ignored?

ADs are busy people, at the end of the day 

Consider joining a forum/contest… sometimes your peers are better critics for you than an AD 

Develop a circle of trust (people you trust to give you good feedback) 

When you do meet an AD, remember “everyone is people…” don’t be weird about it! 

Don’t be embarrassed/ashamed of negative feedback… own it and be fearless! 

Remember: it’s normal to ask ADs/recruiters to look at your work… just ask for permission, give them an opportunity to say “no,” and if they do say “no,” offer to follow-up or leave your email/card 

Also remember to maintain relationships with professionals, because they might be keeping an eye on you and hire you in the future… address their feedback, explain how you improved, etc.

How do you form a good narrative in a painting?

“Create a picture that has a gap for the viewer to fill in”/“Don’t answer/render everything” (Jomaro adds - “like a trailer!”) - Frazetta is a great example of this 

Engage the viewers curiosity and get them to want to know what’s happening 

Maybe look at storyboard artists/sequential artists 

Also maybe identify a feeling/single word/etc. that embodies your piece… and strive to communicate it fully! 

You can execute a complex idea in a very simple way

Do ADs judge you on your backlog/old work?

Always be producing work, or else you’re stagnant! 

Always update your work with your newest stuff 

ADs love seeing jumps in quality! 

ADs aren’t gonna judge you for old work they find in a deep-dive, but be sure to put your best foot forward and have that easiest to find

What can you do to stay in touch while you’re waiting for a response on an art test?

Once you submit the test, it’s out of your hands 

If it’s been a week, try following up with HR asking if there’s anything else you can do 

If you get radio silence, it’s not the end of the world - be positive about your experience and open to future opportunities

Do you need to master digital/PhotoShop/ZBrush/etc. just like you master anatomy/colour/etc.?

If you’re skills and design are good, they’ll show through in any medium, but at the same time, not knowing PhotoShop at all can get you dinged when working in-house

What was your favourite project to work on and what did you learn from it?

“Ravnica,” because he struggled with self-doubt and had to put his job on the line for something he believes in 

HearthStone has also been a blast

Is there anything outside of art that helps you as an artist?

Everything he’s told you not to do, he did himself, which is why he’s trying to help you avoid it 

Letting go of the idea that his self-worth was determined by how other people saw him… compete only against yourself 

It helped to stop taking himself so seriously and just have fun… eliminated the pressure and lets the creativity flow

Stop trying to get everyone to like you and your work! 

Don’t just be a theory expert… put things into practice! 

The biggest thing people are lacking is the mileage

Don’t get deflated by feedback… actually integrate it! 

Don’t get discouraged by people who are better than you that have been doing it for longer… that’s normal!

[greatfay]

whats the most annoying things you hate in video games

Hmmm I have a lot of pet peeves because I love to complain sooooo:

Inventory limits: this is SO annoying to me as a virtual hoarder. Especially in RPGs where you get so much stuff, or if they count materials for crafting as part of your inventory. Just seems like bad design to me for the game to encourage you to collect things to make more things but also make you chop off your limb to keep things.

Mook hoards: this can work depending on the game, but it’s when you just get swarmed by a bunch of enemies. I can think of five games right now where this happens a lot and in three of them, it’s simple to handle. Games like Dark Souls for example, you shouldn’t be fighting hoards anyway because that’s not sound strategy, lure them out instead (it’s one of the reasons Dark Souls 2 failed in design). Games like Kingdom Hearts and the Arkham games give you hoards to fight, but Sora’s a fucking lightning bolt in human form, and Batman’s alert-and-counter system makes handling all those enemies easy. But then, say, Mass Effect, where the multiplayer has a “dog” look in every faction and like 5 of them can gain up on you from behind and they make no sound??? FUCK THAT. FFXV kind of has this problem, too. It’s like Kingdom Hearts except something about the enemy AI and the fact that Noctis teleports all over makes keeping track of enemies hard.

Dialogue interruptions: this is kind of a newer gen thing, but I love companion dialogue in games and it’s so annoying how you can walk a little too close to a quest event or important object and it cuts the dialogue to inform you of something you already know (”Pathfinder, you have AVP outstanding—” I KNOW, SAM!!!)

Imbalanced staggering: I CAN’T STAND when enemies in a game can stagger you and interrupt your attacks but you can’t do the same to them, it’s sooooo fucking annoying! There was a time where my brother and I played Dragon Ball Tenkaichi all day and if you played one of the “giant” characters, you could basically ignore the other player’s attacks and interrupt them with no problem. I think this is also called flinching but whatever.

Notes notes notes: I first noticed this in Dragon Age: Inquisition. Everywhere you go, you find notes or emails left behind by characters who will never appear that give you all your quest and lore information. This is so bland and boring and lazy!!! Especially coming from a history of playing story-oriented games, I can’t take this kind of thing seriously. The only game that did this well was Prey, which did what Passenger should’ve done in that you can get to know these characters through their emails on their PCs before you actually meet them (one quest even relies on you being familiar with one character’s accent and background, so when you actually meet him, you realize something isn’t right...) And that leads to the next one.

Fetch quests: Don’t even talk to an NPC anymore, just read their “ledger” that says they need 18 goat horns, then go kill 26 goat horns because apparently they don’t always drop the goat horns, then return to the ledger to “give someone” your goat horns, and then magically get a reward (sometimes) or most likely just XP. This is so boring to me. There’s no engagement, it’s just a chore.

Rigged mechanics: this is probably just a flaw in the programming, but I despiiiiise game actions that are like required to play the game as efficiently and badass as possible but the game doesn’t come through for you. Example: Ventus’ reversal ability in Kingdom Hearts, where you hit the block button right before you get hit and you’ll spin around the enemy to attack them from behind. Except by the time you get it in the game, most of the enemies you fight actually punish you for using this by flipping around and hitting you before you can hit them. What’s the fucking point???

FRIENDLY FIRE: If a game doesn’t offer the strategy and fine control to actually decide who you hit, friendly fire should not be a thing!!! If I can’t control my party members, how am I supposed to use AOE attacks without wiping myself out? (@FFXV and Dragon Age II and even the Souls games).

[bholenathvalsan]

Theories of The End of the Present and Future 2: The Machines

(~1400 words, ~6 minutes read)

I said that I didn’t want to talk about the other movie sagas that could probably be what awaits in the future.

Well, I changed my mind from what I thought one month ago. I decided to write what I know and think, even if that gets me cataloged as a potential charlatan. But you wouldn’t think that of me, would you? Please don’t!

Apocalyptic Horror

Do you love your apocalyptic horror? Even before the fusion of apocalyptic stories with cyberpunk, there existed an important timeline of end-time horrors.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Last Man on Earth, Day of The Triffids, Dawn of The Dead, The Crazies, Where Have all The People Gone, The Omega Man, from the fifties, sixties and seventies of the last century, all come to mind.

But what about narratives that because of their possibility of becoming reality have the potential to be frightening?

A Textbook Case?

In late 2013 I met an American lady in India. I had seen a UFO the day before, and I was raving about it in a friend’s cafe.

This lady, I had seen her around many times, because she was staying in a hotel fifty meters or so from my friend’s cafe. But I never could guess she was such an unconventional person.

She heard what I was saying and somewhat made her way into our conversation. When we started talking, it must have been four in the afternoon.

We continued chatting, sitting there in the cafe, for like three hours. The main topic of the conversation were aliens and conspiracy theories. They were the main topics, but not the only ones.

We talked about many other things. Like gas-lighting, targeted individuals and other fringe-like subjects. I remember one of them was the relation that extraterrestrials have with the city of Los Angeles, among other things.

She told me many outrageous things. The one that pertains this post is something very odd she told me.

She said she had written The Matrix and The Terminator, and that both intellectual properties were stolen from her.

This really disappointed me, because I had already read a similar story, years before. I told her that I had read the story of Sophia Stewart, and asked her why she was lying to me.

Piss-poorly-formatted article on IndiWire about Sophia Stewart.

Article from 2009, with a long comments section, including a cut and paste of an email by Sophia Stewart with some kind of interesting clues, if you believe the urban legend.

I don’t remember exactly. I think she defended herself telling me that the Sophia Stewart's story was a screen paid by the distributors and the producers of the movies. Something to kill the public opinion about the subject.

If it was true, I ask, did the majors and holders of the movie IP rights go as far as to create a site housing fake legal documents, as the case STEWART v. WACHOWSKI (26000+ Words case on leagle.com)?

I still don’t know if this woman was a mythomaniac. Someone who got her kicks from parroting and attributing to herself things that she read on the internet, or if she was telling the truth.

A half-truth, like she telling a lie to be good to Sophia Stewart, to spread the new for others to see how evil Hollywood is, would also be disappointing.

The Matrix as Endgame

I have read and imagined many different things about The Matrix. Right now I can’t give sources or proof of anything that I will write below in the last five-hundred words of this post.

One of the first things I read was that inspiration for the movie was taken from the reports about how intra-terrestrials live. In 2004 or so, I was researching the inner-earth cities of Shamballa and Agartha.

I read on a website that the kind of gear they use in the matrix was copied from a type of information technology that intra-terrestrials use.

It said that they not just interface directly with the hardware. It’s also that their computers are not powered by electricity, but by amino-acids. And that these body-powered computers are very unstable due to this type of power source.

Then there is the most sensational thing I read about the story of The Matrix. That it's an idea brought to the Earth from other extraterrestrial human civilizations.

From planets similar to the Earth that have been totally overrun (covertly) by demonic aliens. The movie is an actual depiction of what a possible endgame would be like for those enslaved human civilizations.

If I have to go by both Hindu endgame and alien/ufo lore endgame data I’d say forget it. An end to civilization like the one depicted in The Matrix isn’t possible for the present Earth civilization.

There are many views in both these broad currents of thought about the end days. Still, the most powerful ones are the ones that deal with the state of humanity at the moment when the fecal matter hits the fan.

There’s a very strong belief that a galactic federation overseeing the planets in our area of space has, not long ago, won a war. A war against the coalition of demonic alien civilization that operates in neighboring areas of space.

That due to that victory, the Earth, among many other worlds, will be spared of invasion and colonization. From an attack from bestial and demonic alien races from other constellations. From breeds said to reside like three-hundred million light years from the Earth.

Things being that way, a totally co-opted by illusion and ignorance, technological endgame like the story of The Matrix, I see it as unlikely.

A More Fitting Endgame

Hindu-wise, I’ve found that the waters are very divided between what is going to happen. Many Hindus still believe that Lord Sri Kalki will come at the end of the kaliyuga to kill all the asuras (demons) and start a new golden age of Dharma on Earth.

But I know of an opposing view that says that the particular kali-yuga that we are living now, is a blessed kali-yuga. A kali-yuga that comes only once after certain repetitions of regular, Kalki-featuring kaliyugas. That the one that we’re living now is a kali-yuga in which Sri Kalki doesn’t manifest.

Even if God isn’t going to take it personally this time, a purge is still scheduled.

A cosmic-grade movement like that can’t be evaded. In Hindu scatological writings that don’t talk about a personal ending to the kali-yuga via Kalki, there’s mention to the dissolution anyway. It talks of it as being effected through natural means.

But there’s one detail. For some reason, The Lord Kalki, and His sister, Mother Nature, in their game of pralaya (dissolution) will leave a relatively tiny quantity of humans alive.

I think all the contamination and violation of the Earth’s nature doesn’t mean anything. As I see it, they don’t mean much compared to the most destructive, foul of the impurities of the Earth: human beings.

I know that re-seeding the Earth with all the genetic strains that make up its traditional human element is important, but not that great of a feat. It’s re-enacted each time the planet (in its capacity as a dwelling for humans) is rebooted, after all.

What I didn’t Want to Share

I think that The Terminator saga could be actually ripped-off from the future of our civilization. From records in the Akashic Records, or retrieved from the future by means of any other technological or magical procedure.

It makes all the sense. God’s and His Sister will be the last event of this kali-yuga. They will purge the planet with natural disasters and Lord Kalki will travel the world killing all the demons.

There’s a rumor that in this kali-yuga there is going to be dissolution, yes, but no Kalki. If anything like that happens and the God collective makes use only of natural disasters to end the cycle, there are going to be remnants of the population and they should be dealt with in some way.

Some years have to pass between the wholesale destruction caused by nature, and the start of the new golden age. I guess the geological changes after the disasters and the absence of humans would purify the planet rather fast.

All the unnatural things that iron-age humans generated, like petrochemicals, PCBs, nuclear waste may be depressing and cause desperation to those that are ignorant. Still, I think they aren’t a match for the regenerative powers of nature.

Contrary with what we are taught all our lives, the seemingly impossible, can happen. God and, especially, Mother Nature can make it happen. To Her, to make a thing like what happens in the saga of The Terminator actually happen in reality, in this planet, is nothing.

It could happen after the natural disasters because God’s way might be not be a new world rising from the ruins of old. They might want to do a complete re-seeding of the planet with new humans. Humans that aren’t genetically degenerated and devolved like present-day Earth humans, and the tiny remnant from a world of billions that could endure the end-time cataclysm, also must perish.

Image/Photo Credits

Toni Christopher Dombres Phil Wolff Dennis Van Zuijlekom Vin Crosbie Insomnia Cured Here

[impalawanderlust]

12x18 Wincest Tag

question about the lore research you were talking about

That’s the subject line of the most recent email in Sam’s inbox. It’s from Dean, which would be weird enough on its own, but the fact that he’s asking a question about some research that Sam read weeks ago, that had nothing to do with a case, well...

He didn’t actually think Dean listened to him when he talked about stuff like that. It doesn’t bother him. Really--he knows he can get annoying when he’s excited about statistics or whatever. Particularly when Dean’s always been more interested in the bottom line than in the cause-and-effect that led to it.

Still, it warms the part of his heart that still needs his big brother to validate him. He types out a quick answer, a tiny smile on his face when Dean shuffles in still half-asleep, hair sticking up in every direction as he clutches his coffee mug--only seconds after Sam clicks send.

*

This is not a case IMO, Dean emails two days later.

It takes Sam a second to get past the shock of his technophobic brother using chat speak, but when he does, he opens the email and reads rest of the message:

but I thought it might be interesting to u. gotta love that true crime, huh Sammy? 

ps have u watched that people vs OJ thing yet? looks right up ur alley.

There’s that tiny, pleased feeling again, but now it’s sharing space with no small amount of confusion. Dean’s going out of his way to acknowledge Sam’s interests, but only in emails. They spend almost every waking moment together; is emailing really necessary? Is something wrong? Their relationship is in a pretty good place right now, so unless Dean’s buttering him up before revealing some horrible secret, Sam is flummoxed. 

“Your relationship,” jeers the voice in the back of his head that always manages to sound like Lucifer. “How good can it be when you’re the one keeping a horrible, twenty year-old secret?”

Sam pushes the thought away and types a quick thank-you for the link. He’s closed out of his email inbox and is surfing a monster-sighting blog by the time Dean gets back from the grocery store. His green eyes shine as he crows about homemade hamburgers and fries, so Sam gets up from the computer to help him and resolves to put the whole email thing out of his mind. 

*

click this link?

Sam stares at the new email that’s just popped up in his inbox, incredulous. It’s been over a week since the last email from Dean (not counting the youtube video of a hot dog eating contest gone terribly wrong). Sam thought that it was over.

Stranger still, Dean is sitting directly across the table from him looking, for all intents and purposes, totally engrossed in his Words with Friends game. Sam stares at him for a long second, but Dean just hunches his shoulders and keeps tapping away at the screen. 

With a put-upon sigh and no small amount of trepidation, Sam clicks on the link. It redirects him to youtube and he braces himself for another vomit video, or, if he’s slightly luckier, a rickroll.

It’s neither of those things. It’s Pearl Jam covering Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters, and even though the picture quality is questionable, the audio bursts from Sam’s laptop speakers, making them both jump.

Sam hits the mute button as quickly as he can, ears burning. When he chances a glance at his brother, Dean isn’t looking much better. There’s a dull red flush creeping up his neck and he’s staring at his phone, fingers frozen.

“Uhh, thanks?” Sam ventures. He’s not exactly sure what the protocol is, but he’s pretty sure that he can’t pretend that he wasn’t just reading Dean’s email.

Dean shrugs, grunts. “Know you like Pearl Jam.” he mumbles, still not looking up from his phone. “If you’re gonna listen to pansy-ass alternative music, ‘least it’s a damn good song.” 

Sam thinks about telling him he’s always thought of the lyrics as being about the two of them. He thinks about saying that Dean’s the only person he’s ever really trusted. The only person he’s ever loved so completely.

He doesn’t say anything. He never does. The urge always passes after a few moments.

*

The night they carve their initials on the bunker table, Sam goes to bed early. He was already emotionally raw from nearly losing his brother during the hunt, and then Dean had pulled out his knife and started talking about their legacies.

Sam won’t have a legacy, and it’s probably better that way. He’s done too much bad to have it outweighed by the good.

His phone chimes, heralding a new message, and Sam throws a glance at the notification. An email.

From Dean. 

The subject line says legacy and Sam has to smile at how, even after all these years, they still manage to be in sync.

Sammy u have saved a lot of people. u saved the whole world. u deserve to be remembered forever.

Sam blinks away the tears that are suddenly pricking at his eyes. He’s stunned.

Didn’t know you felt that way.

Dean’s answer comes so quickly he can’t be doing anything other than staring at his inbox.

i know. startin to realize u dont know a lot of what i feel. 

my fault. im not very good at talking about it Sammy.

Sam’s fingers tremble as he writes back.

I wish you’d trust me.

Dean’s reply is puzzling.

u might not like what u hear

Frowning, Sam runs his thumb over the screen. There’s plenty that Dean could say that he wouldn’t like to hear. That he’s a failure, a fuck-up. That Dean still thinks he’s a monster that should be put down. Somehow, though, Sam knows that’s not what this is. This feels like something that should’ve happened a long time ago. Something that could clear away all the years of misunderstandings between them. But if he���s wrong, it could ruin everything. Sam’s heart pounds as he taps out a rejoinder.

Try me.

He waits for a few long moments, but Dean doesn’t email back. Disappointment starts to creep in, like a pit forming in his stomach. He pushed too hard, he’s always pushing too hard...

There’s a single, sharp knock at the door and Sam bolts to his feet. He takes two long strides over and wrenches it open. He barely gets a look at Dean’s expression, hope and fear warring in his eyes, before his brother shoulders his way in and grabs Sam by the front of his nightshirt.

“Sammy, I--I...” he falters, fists tightening in the front of Sam’s shirt as his bravado deserts him. 

Sam reaches up and puts his hands over his brother’s. “Dean. Trust me. Please just let me in.”

Dean opens his mouth to speak again, but still nothing comes out. Before Sam can do anything else, he makes a frustrated noise and drags him down to his level, crushing their mouths together.

Sam gasps and Dean takes the opportunity to press deeper, saying with his lips, and teeth, and tongue all the things he can’t manage to give voice to.

I trust you implicitly. I’m sorry for the times I didn’t. I believe in you. I love you. Sam hears it all in the frantic drum of his brother’s heartbeat. He feels it in Dean’s calloused fingers at the back of his neck. He tastes it in the candy-coffee-Dean of this kiss. 

And he knows that Dean doesn’t verbalize his feelings very well, knows that he has to respond in a way that his brother can understand. So he wraps his arms around Dean’s waist and kisses back, putting a lifetime of devotion into it.

I want to give you everything. I’ll always look up to you. I’ve never loved anyone else so completely.

Dean smiles against his mouth and Sam knows he heard the message loud and clear.