#* IM GOING TO SOMEHOW MAKE THIS /WORSE/
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Please guys go read Software Entropy by @clubsheartsspades (I hope you don’t mind the tag!)
It literally destroyed me. I forced my sister to read it and it destroyed her too. I just had to draw something for it because I couldn’t get this quote out of my head, but I couldn’t possibly do the scene justice in the same way as in the fanfiction so you need to go read it yourself
#you go into it thinking oh it can’t be that bad I’m not that affected by sad media#then it is that bad#and worse#and oh my god im only halfway through#and you remember there is no happy ending for them and somehow you forgot and wished things would start getting better#but you already know how this story ends#I need to reread it because I feel like I missed a lot of symbolism the first go because of how emotionally distressed I was#this persons work is so good#I read one of their other fanfics before leaving only rust behind I think#and it was also very good it was very cute#I don’t think I finished it because I’m not much of a reader but I think I’ll go back to it and the other one they wrote too#I swear these two little robots make me miserable#art#my art#comic#rain world#five pebbles#looks to the moon#rw fp#rw lttm#rw moon#rw fanfic#fanfiction
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I was crying from pain at the emergency room and the nurses were bitching about me not dying so they couldn’t help right away even if I kept passing out and had been there for a long time, this sweet old Russian lady who was also admitted since earlier stood up and walked next to me and kept comforting me and asking how I was holding up, she kept checking in on me and being so sweet and going around asking if everyone was doing ok or just distracting family members of patients with nice conversations. She called out the doctors and nurses for not caring, she sat next to me and kept making sure I was ok and then gave me her phone number when she got discharged so I’d follow up with her. Honestly my day coulda been hell today but this one lady made it so bearable it’s not going to be remembered as a bad horrible traumatizing time, I got to meet an actual angel and I’m so happy about it.
#pix habla#kindness really goes a long way guys#I’m in my bed crying about this lady#I didn’t know her but that didn’t matter to her#I hope she’s always healthy and blessed#she also xD managed to get the nurses to give her a turkey sandwich after making her wait for so many hours what a legend#I’m not shit talking about medical staff btw I know it’s a hard job#but it got ridiculous the moment my dad got desperate because I was passing out and throwing up foam#and the nurse scolded him and scolded me while I cried about being in pain even though I kept apologizing#the emergency room guard also gave me shit for being on the floor trying not to pass out#like idk the lack of humanity was just 🧍♂️ so much worse than usual#but then I met this lady and she kept me company and kept me distracted from it all#she even got some of the nurses to be nicer and in a better mood somehow#I know it’s not an easy job ;; but compassion and kindness they go a long way#and that’s so important#Alissa you’re my cat scan Twinsie for life#tw hospital#I was high on morphine telling my friends about her and telling her they thought she was so sweet and she was so happy about it#augh#she blew me a kiss when she left too 😭#guys I swear … I met an angel#like#what else could she have been#(๑′̥̥̥▵‵̥̥̥ ૂ๑) ok ill shut up now im just really emotional about her forever
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Something that I want to explore, probably in the trips go to the moon, is the fact that ludinus destroyed Orym's life. And Orym's family's life. This is the man who took the two (not including Alma) most important people in the world to Orym. Orym has thought about his husband and fathers killer every day for the past six/seven years.
And Ludinus didn't even know their names.
#maxsaystowrite#orym of the air ashari#everyone has someone who loves them#and “bells hells is a party full of npcs” is never truer than the monent orym kill ludinus#collateral damage turned into the sword that killed him#and the fact that is wasnt ever about keyleth somehow makes it all worse.#i screamed when vax got marbled. i screamed “she was just bait”#and it worked#but theres something about all those lives destroyed in zephrah. and it wasnt even about keyleth. if the champion didnt love her.#zephrah would have been safe. derrig would have been safe. orym would still have will.#idk. i think about it alot#anyway. im going to try to shove a line akin to#“we could obsesse over him. spend the rest of our days planning his downfall. and he still wouldnt know our names”#or just “we spend so much energy on him. hating him. he doesnt think about us”#ya know what i mean?#maybe nel will say it#i dont care about the man who ruined my life. And he doesnt care about me. i will not waste the time i have left with the people i have left#idk. been buzzin in my head for a while
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Ahahaaaa oh my goddd can you not make "ADHD undereating" and "ADHD overeating" into a competition of who has it worse and who has nothing to complain about, that'd be awesome
#im not even going to reply to that person im not gonna argue with someone who clearly is fucking#grading my symptoms on if they're as bad as their#guess what i also feel like fucking shit when i overeat and it causes my body a lot of stress#and it fucks with my hormones and it fucks with my mood#and i live a piece of shit horrible terrible life whenever I can't get myself out of that and somehow#but my brain makes me do it and it's hard to stop and sometimes i have to eat even when im in pain#cause that's the only way i can concentrate on something or the only way that i can stimulate my brain#even though i feel sick and I don't want to do it anymore so maybe shut the fuck up#oh my godddd#fuck that person#oh i would take overeating any day maybe shut the fuck upppp#overeating especially on foods that stimulate the brain well PUTS YOU IN THE STATE OF UNDERNUTRITION JUST LIKE UNDEREATING#YOU IDIOTTTTT#sorry this is so personal to me and someone just went on a tirade on how much they have it worse cause they don't eat#good lord go fuck yourself#that post was just because i never see anyone talk about this i only ever see the other side of the coin and it makes me feel alone
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finally watched the latest Severance episode
what the fuck
#severance#severance spoilers#catch me going insane over the numbers thing#like ok. 4 tempers 4 baskets 4 refiners. but also the first number helly thinks is scary way back in season 1#she says “oh god! a 4!” and goddammit it might be important somehow#also. the fucking thing with the colors is driving me insane. should've known the red in the tent was bc helena#but also I was hesitant to outright claim that when we watched that scene because also red when mark. who. yknow how last episode ended#also HOW did irv come to the conclusion that she's an eagan. where did that come from irv#also woe reminds me of ms huang and Im having a Time about that too#also also. as per the theory refinement going on in this house. since the numbers are the people#do we think that mayhaps they're being refined into making the tempers real people?#like because ms huang being woe.. Id assume ms casey is frolic maybe? idk. I dont feel that she's dread and def not malice...#Alternatively the fact the refiners all fit so well as the tempers. irv is woe dylan is frolic helly is malice and mark is dread#like so so neatly all 4 of them fit in these boxes. dylan is goal oriented and a bit childish and overall loyal#irv is sad and odd and ill and was basically the focus of the episode named after woe and had her in a dream and. all that#helly is fire and anger and destruction and helena is even worse#and mark is. a mess. he truly is the most pasta a blorbo can be. spaghetti thrown at a wall levels of fucked up#but at the same time as that. all 4 of them exemplify all 4 tempers. mark is rebellion and anxiousness and loving and grief#helly is want and compassion and vengeance and uncertainty. dylan is perks and suspicion and drive and worry#and irv is curiosity and care and distrust and skittishness#(in order: m.s: m-d-f-w. h.r: w-f-m-d. d.g: f-d-m-w. i.b: w-f-m-d)#((which. makes it sound like helly and irving are really similar? hmm. find ur 4 tempers order personality test sounding bs))#(((mine would be f-d-m-w I feel. confidence-catastrophizing-righteousness-exhaustion seems like a solid combo)))#(((idk. tag urself or whatever)))
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Being incredibly self indulgent and sharing shitty afternoon sketches of my ayuu (haha get it) where yuu is miraculous ladybug. Technically they are based on a pre-existing marinette au I've been rotating in my head for literal years but I think they've become enough of their own person (though still totally inspired by her) that I can get away with treating them like a sort of oc/blank slate character.
#anyways heres my pet scrumbly freak who takes up 80% of my brain all the time forever#twst#twisted wonderland#yuu#twst yuu#twst oc#theyre also inspired heavily by bigfatbreak's feralnette au#except i looked at that and thought hmm how can i make this worse and more painful for everyone involved#and now im putting this thing in twst bc im insanely neurodivergent and i have to be able to share my wierd obscure crossovers somehow#though i do think this crossiver idea makes sense from a certain standpoint of the slight similarities between blots and akumas#ultimately im just trying to make my silly guy's week worse#i have actually been drafting a fic of this#who knows how far it will go but its been in my brain for a month and i dont think its leaving anytime soon#my thought process here is basically what if twst characters had to deal with someone who is simultaneously incredibly overqualified#to be dealing with blot#but also somehow a worse fucking mess than everyone else around them
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#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months#i don't even remember the names of them all at this point#this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay#thst will also prescribe my adhd meds#and my anxiety meds#and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would#only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it#so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave#and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something#but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works#but that they morally object to i guess#and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like#what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that#I'll give her a nasty scrap about it#im not interested in those meds at all#and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best#and removing that would just make me worse#but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that#and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow#which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you#if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers#they just gotta pathologize!#so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever#i shouldn't have to deal with this
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the senior year nerves are hitting. ayuda
#like this is. this is somehow worse than when i was convinced i would fail everything and drop out#everything is like. coming together. like. like im going to go to uni. hello. hello. HELLO?@?#why am i looking at housing. what. dont make me do that. i cant do that#everything ive ever wanted but now im terrified of it
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kidomomo puppylove. so cute. the only normal kagepro couple
#shintaro&ayano going through whatever That is. bonus points if kano is somehow involved to make iteven worse#seto loves mary. mary loves seto but thatsexactly why she wont be with him#haruka and takane are ALMOST normal but theyre so individually traumatized theyre just insane#and kido and momo... they just met..... theyre just starting out going on dates and shit.... so cute#sorry im in a kido.momo mood lately#kagevinnie#i like making playlists and i have a kido.momo one but man i hate putting rly generic songs in playlists#its difficult to find one that fits them
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my COMMITTEE MEETING is tomorrow and i fly out to my grandfather's funeral LITERALLY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD and my girlfriend is in GERMANY right now so i have to make sure the whole apartment is fully cleaned & ready to potentially have all the power shut off during a heatwave for a couple of days just in case that happens & also make sure my work samples don't die and all the antibodies i ordered still get in the freezer etc while i'm gone
and because i only learned i was dealing with this yesterday morning when he, you know, died, i absolutely did not budget time for both meeting prep and other work tasks and life stuff AND a deep clean of the fridge & kitchen or whatever it is i should do, and of course i also guessed completely wrong about what my PI would want me to be doing for this talk so i still have a bunch of stupid fiddly little figure adjustments to make each of which takes me an hour due to my like, bad intrinsic nature, and also i am having trouble focusing because my GRANDFATHER IS DEAD, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR, so i am going to be working on slides for like 28 cumulative hours and yet will have practiced this presentation zero times before giving it. so i hope they don't, you know, form any opinions about me based on it or anything
#i know most people don't even HAVE grandparents anymore and i'm only even having this problem because they;ve all lived to be 94 or 102#or whatever#i feel somehow embarrassed about this like i'm developmentally delayed for having had 3 living grandparents at the#start of grad school. like somehow i was supposed to get this out of the way already#or alternately like i shouldn't care about it this much#idk. my parents are now both going to be completely insane due to parental death and if i don't at least kind of help them#it will be worse. so i have to go home and help with stuff#everything is so stressful and horrible and i miss 🌸 so much even though they only left yesterday#and thinking about any of it for even ten seconds makes me lose it#so im not even capable of expressing emotions i just sound horrible and insane#box opener#anyway. i'm feeling anxious and stressed! about various inputs!
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Li Lianhua when he cant lie anymore like damn i got nothing bro you did it you somehow made everything worse with everyone with your lyin bullshit especially yourself please my man stop hating yourself
Like you could have taken almost the exact aame path and gotten more done if you had t turned yourself into a pathological liar my brother in christ get a grip!
And di feisheng is out there im convinced with his memories back and trying to play it cool so he doesnt get betray poisoned again and the poor man has to pretend to be straight for the worlds most unwell and annoying simp
God i love disasters and pain im slurpin it up
#frostpost#watching mysterious lotus casebook#my man coulda solved all like yeah you got me i only have two months to live#i was trying to make it like not naming a pet and getting attached#but im like a human man i guess and the closest thing to a brother uncle youre ever gonna get#so that didnt work#so instead of bringing up literally anything that matters#im just going to blink and say nothing#the gauntlet of 30 is accidentally decimating a teenager you work with#that is not a joke sometimes itll be an accident#but sometimes youre just the one that somehow knocked off rose tinted glasses of youth#my boy you just keep fumbling worse with time#di feisheng hang in there baby
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Re: Chair Lore: Where is the Chair From?
I was joking about the seat looking like a sim chair, but after doing some research, I'm almost 100% sure they just took seats from a 2012 Ferrari 458 and put them on plexiglass platforms 😭
I couldn't find any pics that look *exactly* like the chair itself, but I think these are pretty similar, no?





It's going to bug me so much that I can't find the exact chair UGH, like with the white stripe in the middle, you know? But yes anyways, this is my theory.
*fyi, I'm planning a drawing with this chair and my thought process with finding reference is always "this has to be exactly perfect and 100% accurate" so thats why I'm being incredibly specific and over-detailed about this 😭 please don't think I'm weird
#THIS HAS GONE ON WAY TOO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭#im sitting here like. did i really spend ~30 mins looking at fucking car seats#i just need to find proper reference okay!! so i can do the chair justice!!!#well anyways derangement part 2: somehow even worse#i think im also going to make a comp post with him in 2013 w the chair#bcs i was looking at them and EEEEEEE so many cute pics!!!!!#also yeah lol felipe had one too. equality 🙏#but also I need to remind myself. its literally ferrari with ferrai chairs that for all i know could be custom#i would love if i do all this inane research and dont even end up finishing my drawings 😭😭#they live in my head and haunt me daily <3 im just scared i cant portray perfectly so!#someone left a tag on the other lore post about how they wish they could care abt anything as much as i care abt the chair#and im like HEY...okay fine youre not wrong#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.rambling.txt#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion
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im gonna say it. normies are real and i Do Not trust them...
#thinkin about some of the braindead stuff ive heard over my years in fandom#and its like... unless its dead dove/whump spaces theres always that one guy yknow#even then. im sure there are normies there too somehow.#ig my best description for what i even mean is like#u see smth new/weird/gross/etc in a creative work. if u go 'thats too much and they shouldnt do that' ur a normie#its different from anti tho but thats more confusing to try n explain#uhm.#anti = 'this art is a one to one reflection of their moral values'#normie = doesn't think it auto makes someone evil but just thinks weird art shouldn't exist#like cyberbully creeps vs the kinda guy that marketers base their approaches around#i hate normies but its not a deal breaker for me like i can still be nice#cyberbullies are mean tho. kinda comes w the territory. i dont like that#im not gonna keep calling them antis bc like. they are just cyberbullies at a certain point#im not forgetting the rape/death threats ive seen ppl get haha...#ive gotten less directly threatening hatemail but ive still gotten hatemail. which. its still cyberbullying lol#lol i was so ready to just be a normie hater for a min but then i Remembered... it gets much worse than normies...
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when you were planning on drawing or doing anything but your brain said Noo you will be very upset now ...... all i want to do is do things ..... too much to ask...?
#id like to not suck and then id like to think i do indeed want to move forward. not “ignoring” that which is important#id also like very much to be something completely else & cast it all aside. just a little bit though !#id also like to have real problems& real achievements and be a real boy. <3#IM A PERSON! SO THEN...?#instead i am very small and tangled up in threads that arent even my doing. which somehow makes it worse#all the time i am irritated and it all isnt in my heart i was wonderful for a while and i should feel more wonderful now that im finally in#better health#All silliness. and a horribly simple rendering of ones going ons. of course there is joy. of course there is genuine frustration#of course there is fear and of course i am still “doing my best”#id like to think that i am level headed. id like to think that i do want to work hard. fucking hell of course i do#the part about being irritated all the time isnt true atleast if you are in my presence im not literally Irritated at that moment#you know what i mean
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i am going to scream (wip rambling in the tags)
#(not subjecting this to my wip thread [hi j k l if you see this somehow] [how did i not notice your names line up in the alphabet]#because im really just waffling at this point)#it has been three(?) months and i still cannot decide if this thing is ending happily or unhappily#because it is just. so unrealistic to save LIGHT FUCKING YAGAMI from herself#i feel like this is one of those things where i have to just keep writing the plot and ill figure out the ending along the way#BUT I DON'T WANT TO. i want to know where i'm going first so i can signpost!#god#really i just need to figure out misa and soichiro and the actual plot#but like. okay. so#what actually changes for light's internal state is#1) she has a secret to keep that doesnt fit with the charming young man image but is harmless (at least relative to the murder)#2) she and L are both in on the secret#3) it is a point of commonality she has with L that isn't about ruthlessness intelligence or murder#4) it upends her entire sense of self perception#and are these points enough to save her. i dont know. i dont know#i think at the very least it makes yotsuba slightly more bearable#in the direction of L&light anyway. her relationship with her father is probably going to be worse#and of course theres still misa#who is ALSO getting her entire sense of self perception upended#i still dont know how she's going to react to pretty much anything#i have an instinctive feeling for her first reaction but it's such desperate denial that it is going to break sometime#not that she broke for five entire years of miserably happy comphet relationship in canon#but i feel like this might be more jarring than that#aaaand if so how does that change her part in yotsuba arc because she was the one who got higuchi caught and did that for light#my god why am i doing this to myself. i could have been happy i could have written a high school au.#but anyway back to light HOW AM I GOING TO GIVE HER A HAPPY ENDING WHEN SHE'S *LIGHT* AND L'S *L* AND#like the problem is it would be SO easy to give her a sad ending. so easy that i honestly dont want to. i want her to be happy it's just#the logistics#i genuinely think theres a chance i could do it theres just so many VARIABLES im going to start BITING#edit: jesus they deleted all the tags after this one. is this the thirtieth tag. it IS wow
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