#(we thought we were edgy)
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Whenever a transphobe talks about how trans people are putting on a mask and pretending to be something we're not I think of what I wrote as a closeted 15-year-old as my gender dysphoria was leading me to disassociate while at school.
"This isn't us. This is a mask. This is a script. And everything we do is all part of an act."
Like... Maybe you think that you would feel like you're pretending to be something you're not but it's kind of the opposite.
#I thought of it and tracked it down to see when I added the little mind quote that I have a google doc for#it was in 2017 and the semester before I started being out at school#and yeah edgy but accurate to how I felt at the time#It really did feel like I had a mask I couldn't take off#notaterftip#not sarcasm#also if you're wondering why we is used it's because I made distinct characters to talk to with different traits#but recognized them as parts of myself#they were very helpful for coping with fucked up situations and I still talk to them from time to time#but as you can see I use I now
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GOT SILLY ON MS PAINT AGAIN!!
This time featuring a comparison of my first 3 Splatoon OC's original designs from 2017- to their current designs as of 2024 !!
They've certainly been through a lot, both character design and backstory wise !! But I'm happy to see my growth as an artist :>
Myehehe, bonus alternate version!!!
So I didn't actually have a reference for the yellow inkling, but I'm pretty sure I remember making an inkling like this unnamed one before actually designing Kailani.
Can't say for certain though, so it's just speculation that I'm gonna believe!
ANYWAY. Spooky Ash art from 2017 jumpscare !?
Yeah I. blurred out a lot of what was on it- It's embarrassing okay 💀💀 (Yippie yay on seeing how much I've developed my art skills over the years tho !!)
But there's the reference I used to redraw my squiddos' old designs !! Don't mind the old version of my Splatsona in the top left LMAO
#everything aside fun fact abt Jason's hair- It's supposed to be the dark navy-blue ink that's found in Splatoon 1's ranked matches!!#namely because when I first made him I was like 'he's gonna be a super edgy and skilled player . and people who play ranked are scary' LMAO#also we are. NOT questioning why Connor used to have wolf ears . (was very interested in hybrid species considering Splatoon lore) ermm#anyway silly how Kailani kinda stayed the same- but I wanna point out that in her old design . the weird gray tentacles were supposed#to change color based on her mood- obviously removed it now tho cuz I thought it looked weird but yea !! old splat design lore moment#splatoon#splatoon oc#splatoon fanart#art#fanart#digital art
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#me who should get to stuff texting some friends etc: why not read more books instead and unhealthily escape from reality :3#stress level is immensely high but also feeling guilty not replying to some friends. especially to those asking how I'm doing etc#but getting messages of#“I thought you were taking therapy shouldn't you be better by now” “we all feel bad sometimes” “depression actually isn't real”#ahaaha like What the fuck#it's so irritating and makes me edgy in a way that I seriously want to slap them with a book not going to lie#but I choose silence as usual and just let shit sink in#the problem is I tend to ignore other friends as well because can't be social anymore I'm just so Tired#tbd I think
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its incredibly depressing to see every post about people enjoying palworld is like "is it blatantly ripping off Pokemon? Yes! And I'm loving it!" and weird stuff about how totally taking designs from a larger company is somehow anti capitalist (??)
like is there no artistic integrity anymore. watched vinny play it and it was genuinely just shitty ark. go play that
#riz speaks#i have a lot of thoughts on it but its insane bc we were all anti ai and pro artist until somehow someone made edgy poorly made pokemon#with guns and people were like well fuck pokemon! its a big company#which is wild bc they stole a mega Delphox design. they are predating you the online artist.#anyways this isnt bc im sucking pokemons cock. i really. really do not like the state pokemon is in rn it sucks ass#and while i hate the designs and think theyre uninspired at least some artist is going ok. diglett as a geoduck. ok.#prehistoric lizard bike. like at least theres an artist designing rather than mooching off of something else in its entirety#tbqh tho the thing that concerns me the most is that they line for line copied the delphox fanart#didnt even try to hide it bc theyre not fighting with the company.
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that 'women in male dominated fields' joke is kind of funny sometimes but there's one going around referring to a nonconsensual surgical procedure used for arguable sexual abuse and I just don't think that's funny honestly sorry
#I just don't find the humor in 'haha what if a WOMAN enacted [acts of horrific misogyny] on MEN' like sorry you sound really corny#feel like I'm at a table w a bunch of liberal feminists ca. 2015#I don't think ppl are ~problematic~ or gpd forbid 'misandrist' for it#but joking abt something that serious just seems. idk. unnecessarily edgy and tryhard#I thought we were past rape jokes atp#cor.txt
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hey guys can y'all like notif-bomb me. I got a hate anon and blocked the message but since I didn't delete it from my inbox and now I can't because I blocked them and now it doesn't show up so the notif for it is still in visible in my activity. like can someone go through and reblog or reply to a ton of stuff on my blog so it fills the thing up.
#It was one stupid fxcking post I made around midnight. I'm a kid with a kinda edgy sense of humor I do stupid things sometimes.#And then I only really realize in hindsight that I really shouldn't have done it#And being aware of that doesn't mean I'll automatically just stop doing it. If being aware was enough I wouldn't have thought broadcasting#I know what thought broadcasting is but that doesn't stop me from being paranoid that people can read my mind#so being aware that I am an impulsive teenager doesn't negate me being an impulsive teenager#We all make fxcking mistakes I'm still growing just tell me and once I fix the thing move on#I'll probably be really embarrassed looking back on this in the future I've had several moments like that#Many of which were much more serious than this
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Reading The Hunger Games as a kid:
Rereading it as an adult:
#i thought the games were so angsty and cool and katniss was so badass and cool#and that her and peeta were so cute and all the technology and being famous was sooo cool#and all the deaths were angsty in a i-am-11-and-extremely-edgy way#reading the series 10 years later and reading about the sheer amount of death and psychological torture these TEENS go through just-#and then the outcome is alright but the cost has taken too much from the characters we love to really feel joyful for them#the hunger games#thg series#katniss everdeen#peeta mellark
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look i haven't seen deadpool and wolverine and won't for another month if i see it at all (i'm not paying for it) so this is all conjecture but i find the fact that its marketing has been heavily focused on implying that deadpool and wolverine are/will be in a relationship, which is like clearly not going to happen this is the mcu lmao, and the fact that it has been pushing this so hard for a character whose queerness has entirely been reduced to essentially making gay jokes for extra edginess points while refusing to ever engage with it more deeply (i admit i haven't seen the first two deadpool movies in several years but he is in a long running relationship with a woman and just like. makes jokes about finding colossus hot to my memory) than that, Not A Good Look, you could say. and like come on it's 2024 this is textbook queerbaiting and for a movie that seems to be pushing its supposed potential queer relationship in all of its marketing all of the jokes have always just felt vaguely homophobic to me. maybe the movie will make me feel differently but like. i highly doubt that
#saw people going 'look how they marketed the movie'! as a gotcha evidence for people not thinking they could be in a relationship#and like. come on. don't do that to me. marketing is not an indicator of the films actual approach to queerness though in this case it#largely all felt played as a joke which is how the films treat it#say what you want about whatever subtext you see in it i'm not going to criticise you but don't give disney points they don't deserve#and like ok i get that i shouldn't be looking for meaningful queerness in fuckin. marvel movies. but they have romantic relationships in#them all the time. DEADPOOL has one. i have lost my ability to give disney any leeway and i am tired and we deserve better than this#neon has thoughts#for additional context: i liked deadpool fine when i was 13 and watching at a friend's at like midnight because it was the first r-rated#movie i think i'd seen. and i have gone from apathy towards wolverine to active dislike. so i really don't care about this movie in the#first place and it just. i respect the shipping whatever i don't care. but it's queerbaiting it's straight up queerbaiting#and i am so tired#like there's queerbait in couple i want to get together is implied to do that and don't. and there's queerbaiting as in deliberate#intentional marketing campaign presenting two characters in a queer context and then proceeding to not do that. maybe it'll surprise me!#but i don't have faith in the deadpool movies or marvel as a whole to do anything even vaguely interesting with it beyond going haha#wouldn't it be funny if these two were dating. haha this is an r rated mcu movie look how edgy we are#hasn't escaped me that the first film to feature prominent marketing reflecting queerness is the first r rated one lmao#beyond the whole disney's first gay cycle
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speaking of not having a room in my life ever... don't think it's ever talked abt how much of a deeply traumatic n dehumanising experience that is & i mean that wholeheartedly
everyone our age i know to this day who we grew up with has one, grown up with one since early childhood, had choice in what to surround themselves with in their own space and could have privacy when needed
i sleep in a single bed in a corner, that's all i have. we've always shared a room with 1-3 ppl and it was never a bearable experience growing up, but once you reach your early teens i feel like it just starts being traumatising regardless of environment. i know most of the time it's not anyone's intent to deprive children of personal space, it is most often the result of poverty & inability to give them that but i'm fully convinced you should not be having a child if you can't give them that
maybe my own experience is saturated by other household trauma that this lack of personal space opened us up to but as a whole, i think it's abuse to deny a growing human being their fully own space, as small as it could possibly be, any space at all ... i can't really explain why it's such an important part of growing up but not only do i still feel alienated based on that alone, i also don't feel like i have any right to privacy at all, no place i can just be and do what i want without being watched, judged, commented on or demanded a change (i can't turn the light on/off or close/open the door or windows without input! i can't keep the door closed at all actually bc she will come and open it and ask why i need it closed!)
anyway i just feel like it contributed to our trauma insurmountably and affected our mental health to this day. it feels like yet another puzzle piece in 'normal human development' missing that i will never be able to fill in?
i wonder if there r any studies done on this or any professional opinion on depriving children of personal space & privacy. reading other people's experiences online unanimously seems to imply it immensely fucked up our senses of self n complicated being in touch with our needs
so conclusion i guess. if ya plan on ever having N amount of children PLEASE think realistically if yr able 2 provide em an environment that allows em 2 have all of their needs fulfilled... n that absolutely includes the right to privacy
#srry elo i promise ya didn trigger my childhood flashbacks by a singilar reply (ya did but there is naw hard feelings)#n while i appreciate our partner suggestin wr have separate rooms when we live together it is absolutely in no way the same n not healing#it's missin that essential part of [growin up n bein nurtured WITH this need bein met] dats traumatisin#n yeah i wanna share a room with a partner. 100%. i don wanna have separate rooms with a partner at all however goin from#havin own room 2 sharin yr space w a partner is an entirely diff progression than#havin no space 2 sharin space w yr partner likr yeah i will b happy n comfortable but i am still missin irreplaceable experience.....#mebbe i am bein a lil stubborn. mebbe i shld give the thought a try tho#srry i am reconsiderin things mid-tag rant but hm#mebbe i SHUD have a room i can decorate n have say in even if its in my 20s or 30s. mebbe it'll givr me sum closure n allow me smth inever#gawt 2 experience. idk.#i alwasy feel like whenever i get overwhelmingly sad abt this like im exaggeratin n dramatisin n like im an edgy teen whos like ya don get#me mom i wanna b left alone#but but seein other ppls thoughts on havin grown up this way is so comfortin :[ like yeah we were failed actually
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if you think McLennon is a mainstream straight person ship, you have barely scratched the surface of those weirdos 🤨
I'm too drunk to answer this in an appropriate way but if you DON'T think mclennon is sickeningly oversaturated with transparently misogynistic straight women who caricature mlm relationships in a deeply stereotypical, heteronormative kinda way then I honestly really wish I were you
#i miss when i thought kinky and progressive were the same thing#to be clear I've written mclennon fic myself#I'm not trying to say it's universally bad#it's just so much of it is oversaturated with super heteronormative bullshit sexist faux-edgy nonsense that i get burnt out#also tbh their relationship was deeply fucked up and ppl who try to make it romantic kinda bum me out#I know that's not the majority of fic writers but the way we ignore so much of their relationship to maintain a certain--#--tragic white boy narrative is unappealing to me#ask
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sorry for not posting to my main, tumblr, its cause i had another meltdown and breakdown over how stupid and evil iam cause i really could care less about people and how im literally antisocial making me think im an awful person for just existing !1!!1 :3
#after this an alter that we thought we were hallucinating started fronting and was acting all edgy so.#actually aspd#aspd safe#aspd#aspd thoughts#aspd feels#cw negativity#cw vent#negativity#negativity cw#negativity tw#tw negativity#vent cw#vent tw#tw vent#vent
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hmmm im trying to think of an alter name for myself but i can't find one that rly fits me aaaa ;~;'
#if u knew us 2016-2019 we've definitely met hsjfhd#i almost wanna be cassandra and go by cas for short but i'd get so confused with the other cas in our system#i'm honestly so unsurprised we have did btw#most younger alters have a wtf moment because they only know 'mpd' from edgy creepypastas but not me hsjhsd#i knew we had some dissociative disorder but it was more covert atp so i thought our parts were just cptsd/osdd1a fragments#LMAOOO.#unspecified human.exe
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im undecided on how i feel about berserk cause on one hand some of it really hit hard and i like the main Question of god and fate etc. that the series is about but on the other hand man idk 😬. i do think the funniest possible outcome of me trying to read this is actually just playing dark souls instead
#bg3 was very eye opening for me i finally have the time and temperament to play video games again :) yay#but yeah fr i would like berserk more if some of that shit didnt feel genuinely shock value-y. and i KNOW the genre#and i know its edgy on purpose and i have a strong stomach for general unpleasantness but there were a few scenes that like#actually felt like shock value. and that i dont love. not even The Big One during the eclipse even though that was horrible to read#there was the thing w/ the horse in the arc after that had me like okay. i dont think that was necessary. nothing happened but i dont think#we HAD to even consider going there.#and the manga does have serious and thoughtful moments about recovering from sa like its a main theme for all three main characters#so why are we just shoving in less thoughtful and simply horrifying threats of the same when its not needed#ANYWAY what if i play dark souls 😂#but yeah like. the art is scary but crazy good. and im an ff girl bachpan se so like respect to the origin of the buster sword
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honestly toriyama's first mistake was disliking the original botg so much he completely rewrote the script and redesigned the characters and then trusting that same studio to pass the vibe check if he handed them an outline for a whole arc
#The way toei went 'Great we have this whole movie and his screenplay and notes for reference' and then intentionally fucked it up. Twice.#kljsakjdfkjasd i've been reading interviews today#the crazy thing is that it happened AGAIN with Daima!!#They were like 'please give us your thoughts toriyama sensei :)' and he was like 'okay :)' and changed EVERYTHING.#You'd think the creative execs at Toei could do the math by now they've had over a decade and FOUR Toriyama screenplays#AND *59 VOLUMES OF DB MANGA* to look at and reference and get a sense of the energy he generally goes for when writing for that world#His story priorities are not complicated they're just balancing action and adventure with friendship and comedy (misogyny ≠ comedy toei)#sinks my fingers into toei's shoulders aggressively shaking stop trying to make dragon ball dark and edgy that is what the fandom is for#the canon is for hope and adventure and redemption the audience will make it bloody and angsty and R-rated I promise we don't need your hel#silly hours#dbtag
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When did you get into rvb and how?
I got into it around 2013 so I think when freelancer had just finished (according to my old amino account I had to check lol). I was in middle/elementary at the time so I had already known abt rooster teeth though stuff like achievement hunter but got super into them when the first season of rwby dropped.
I think I first just watched freelancer for Monty Oum’s animation (cuz I was too impatient for new rwby eps to come out lol) but didn’t end up watching the whole series until my rwby rp friends on virtual space amino invited me to a RvB rp so I finally just watched it from the beginning to learn the lore and ended up loving the show.
#that whole era was crazy#shout out to those who remember#looking back at amino kinda painful in a cringe way but it’s been long enough I’m mostly nostalgic for it#we were just paling around#I remember my OC was agent georgia who I thought hadn’t appeared on screen#but I was immediately jumped on cuz I had missed the whole jet pack lore with him 💀#rvb was a combination of every middle schoolers favorite things#violent video games edgy humor and themes that go over their heads#also cheaply produced YouTube videos that are surprisingly well executed#ah the stories I could tell about my days in the early rvb fandom#I just realized it’s been 10 years since I first watched it holy shit#ig that means I’ve rewatched it 10 times now#man I’m old#I don’t even know if I was on tumblr yet I think I didn’t make an acc till 2014#I’ll shut up now#rvb#asks#my asks#red vs blue#sorry for taking like 3 months to reply I only answer tumblr asks when I’m in an adhd spiral#im like a 40 year old man who comments his life story on a random YouTube video#except instead of my life story it’s extremely niche rants about early internet#and instead of a 40 year old man I’m a 19yr old girl on 100mg of adderall#rooster teeth#rwby
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#putting ‘thinking of elrond as feanorian is DELUSIONAL’ on my dash is an instant unfollow#we know exactly how elrond thinks about his parentage and how nice and uncomplicated and sindarin it is#from the multiple conversations on the topic and extensive first-person narrative commentary from elrond himself#throughout both the hobbit and lotr OH WAIT#this is why i’m leery of the ‘reject fanon return to canon’ movement#so often it feels like ‘the way i interpret this text is the OBJECTIVELY CORRECT WAY and everyone else is doing fandom wrong’#like. i thought we were *past* this#:sigh: i do legitimately like elwing. i just wish more of the people who blog about her#didn’t treat the feanorians like they were unquestionably evil villains#‘the bad guys are just BAD because they’re BAD and the good guys should defeat them with no moral qualms’ is not in fact how analysis works#why is an eight-year-old’s version of morality suddenly edgy and cool#mine#complaining
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