#(this only happened after Covid hit and I started using my phone too much)

[milfdollyparton]

something I miss about my old blog is I felt like I was weaving a narrative with every post I reblogged that I would imagine seeing through the eyes of someone I loved… who would also love me… next!

[redbullcateringfiction]

Chapter 7 -

Cantata

Arabella is the executive assistant for Mercedes Team Principal Toto Wolff. 10 years into her career, it looks like the tide is changing, and she's beginning to question her relationship with him. Is it something more, or nothing but an idea lingering in her head?

F/M, Fluff, Boss/Employee Relationship, Romance, Pining, Love, Slow Burn

Seventh chapter below the cut or click here for AO3

Click here for the previous chapter on Tumblr, and click here for a list of all chapters

(Total: 30502 words thus far)

Sorry about how long this chapter took. I am, in fact, getting a literal PhD. So sometimes I have to focus on that and not Toto Wolff, although it is really hard. There's a joke somewhere in there about fanfic authors. Feel free to make it.

~redbullcateringfiction

“So…how was dinner with Toto?” Bono asked. 

“How did you know about that?” I shot him a glance.

“You do know that you’re in a hotel filled with your coworkers, right?” He responded. Fair enough.

“Well…it was nice,” I shrugged. 

“That’s good, that’s good. Hey,” He said softly, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me in. This was never good. Bono only ever pulled me in for a whisper when he was about to tell me something very, very bad. The list of previous times was short.

The engineering supervisor had just fired the craziest person on the team. It’s good to be a little crazy in Formula 1, but Gino had taken it 5 steps too far, and was lucky to have not gotten hit by a car. Anyway, the engineering team desperately needed me to distract the media and coordinate his removal with security in such a way that no one would happen to notice the short Italian man being dragged out by his ear.

My mom collapsed during a race. Turned out to just be heat exhaustion.

In most recent memory, Lewis has COVID. I had just spent a few hours with him and Toto, in close proximity. 

Bono had a talent for lowering his head in such a way that no one could possibly hear what he was about to whisper to you, and this was no different. “Look yourself up,” He whispered, while simultaneously gently letting go of me. This could not be good. At the same time, my phone buzzed with Jeffrey’s contact popping up for a phone call. This has to be bad. There is no alternative. 

I declined his call, and immediately went to Safari as Bono looked over my shoulder. 

“Who was that?” Bono asked.

“My lawyer.”

“Your lawyer? You have a lawyer?” He asked, with such a sudden expression of shock.

“More a friend who’s a contracted lawyer. A lawyer friend. Who I have a contract with. A friend who is a lawyer who I have a contract with,” I explained.

“You said ‘contract’ so much I’m starting to think it’s some sort of freaky 50 Shades thing.”

“Jesus, Bono,” I complained. 

“You have to admit you made it sound like that.”

“Fair,” I groaned, finally typing my name into the search bar.

Trending ~ 1 minute ago - It’s not silly season, right? How is there F1 drama already? with a picture of Cathal and me from years ago.

Trending ~ 1 minute ago - Why is Cathal Lynch obsessed with his ex-girlfriend? Cathal Lynch appears in… 

Trending ~ 1 minute ago - Cathal Lynch shows for Pre-Season Testing wearing Red Bull shirt 

“Jesus, you gave me a scare. That’s not that bad. He’s just being weird again,” I sighed, turning to Bono. My heart rate started to slow down. Bono raised his eyebrow. 

“And yet…you’ve clicked on none of them,” Bono sighed. “Keep scrolling.”

I did as he said. Suddenly more recent articles pop up. 

2 minutes ago - Four Odd Bottles releases new song, “Bitch”, moments after Cathal Lynch spotted in Bahrain  

4 minutes ago - It’s time to cancel Cathal Lynch: “Bitch” is a retelling of Radiohead’s “Creep”…and somehow creepier  

8 minutes ago - Was Arabella a “Bitch?” A lookback at Cathabella 

10 minutes ago - “Bitch,” please. How Arabella Lazaar used Cathal Lynch to make her seem more integral to Mercedes than she really ever was 

23 minutes ago - “Bitch,” is a great song. Sorry, not sorry.  

45 minutes ago - Is “Bitch” that bad? The conversation on new Four Odd Bottles song takes over Twitter. 

48 minutes ago - Expletive-filled song by Four Odd Bottles is the newest crazy ass song from a fucking creep  

“Oh…oh no,” I sighed. 

“Listen, I wasn’t going to not tell you,” Bono explained, grabbing me by the shoulders again. “Here’s the thing. And listen to me carefully. This is about Cathal. Not you. Public Relations is about to call Toto and ask that he puts forward a request to have him banned, even if temporarily. I had them wait until the two of you got back. Are you still listening?”

I was, but I couldn’t blame him for asking. I knew my eyes had glazed over. “Yeah, yeah. PR. Banning. All that.”

“Okay. Arabella, this guy is a fucking creep. But we’re going to fix this,” Bono explained.

“No, no. I will,” I sighed.

“No, no. You will not touch this. Yes, it's almost entirely your job, but this is the time you pass off a responsibility to someone else. And you will absolutely not listen to that song. Do you understand? Do not listen to it. It’s fucking weird,” Bono pushed his hair back.

“I imagine it is. I also get the sneaking suspicion I should listen to it,” I explained. “I can’t understand what’s going on without it.”

“Arabella, all you need to know that’s going on with it is that your ex-boyfriend is still writing songs about you, but this one is just plainly mean and weird. And he used you as a publicity stunt for it. Like, c’mon. That’s what you need to know about it.”

“Arabella, come over here for a second,” Toto called, suddenly appearing in the hallway behind me. Shit. I stepped towards him, and he grabbed my shoulder. That had now happened a bit too frequently in the past few minutes. I know this is a shit show. But this must be a real fucking shit show. “I’m sure you already know about it. After all, no one can really seem to keep their mouths shut. Anyway, I’m about to call the FIA. This is the first time something like this has happened, so don’t hold your breath. Hopefully though, they’ll seek to make an example out of this kind of behavior. Regardless of how messy this is for you , no team should be dealing with shit like this. Bono!” Toto suddenly called out.

“Yeah, yeah?” Bono asked, nearly running over. 

“Who invited the little…Lynch? Who invited Lynch? Do you know?”

“I’ve asked around. Don’t think he was invited by anyone,” Bono shrugged.

“Oh, good. I was worried someone had invited him. Since he just showed up with a paddock pass, this is a different situation. Alright, I’m about to make the call. Arabella, I know it’s difficult, but I need your complete focus, alright? 100%. This is no one’s problem, except his. Thankfully, this has to be a violation of something. Yeah, celebrities are publicity stunts in and of themselves, but usually they’re invited.”

“I’m just going to head off to Lewis’s team meeting while you make the call, okay?” I offered.

“Of course you will. Schatzi, you’re brilliant. This is why you’ve been doing this for so long. Only you could handle this,” Toto smiled. He patted me on my back and walked off, immediately hopping on the phone. 

“Alright then, let’s go,” Bono answered, guiding me to the meeting room. As soon as we walked in, all of Lewis’s team quickly set down their phones and looked at me with horrified looks.

“If I can keep my mouth shut about this, everyone else can, alright?” I nodded. “Toto will be in here in not 5 minutes. If we aren’t talking strategy when he comes in, he’ll keep us here all night.”

~

“Okay everyone. Goodnight. See you all in the morning. Bright and early,” I waved goodbye to Aero. I looked at my watch. 9:35pm. We had really pulled it off with plenty of time for many people to get a full night of sleep. Except the engineers, but that was by choice. Many of them would be practically foaming at the mouth at the gate wanting to run in and get to work on the car. All night they would discuss different strategies to turn everything into a well oiled machine. For many of them, the driver is just driving their good work. Yes, a good driver makes all the difference, but to them it's their car.

“Arabella,” Toto called after me. I had gone into autopilot and started walking towards the elevator without a thought to whether Toto needed anything from me. I turned around with my hands up.

“Sorry, sorry. What’s up?” I asked, approaching him. 

“You’re absolutely brilliant,” He said, opening his arms and giving me a great hug. First kiss, second kiss. Each cheek, just a brief touch. “Just absolutely brilliant. No one but you, yeah? No one but you. Okay, I have good news.”

I looked up at him as he finally let go. “Yeah, and what’s that?”

“He won’t be let in the gates tomorrow. Or all weekend. Or all season. Temporary ban for the season. Turns out it's a violation of some rule to use a paddock appearance for personal gain when it’s not written into your contract. Since he wasn’t invited, the contract was pretty explicit in not allowing that,” Toto explained. “Bad news is when he gets turned away at the gates tomorrow, I expect the press will be all over that. But it’s not too bad. The FIA won’t name you or the team as the cause or anything. Just plain breach of etiquette. I can only imagine what ridiculous thing that psycho will say about it though.”

“Thank you. Really, thank you,” I answered. “Did PR have any notes for me?”

“They’re hands off of you if I’m honest. Main concern is the look for the team. Even had to call Red Bull’s PR since he tried to make it seem like they invited him. I recommend you take a look at the new news if you want a laugh about it. Crazily enough, I was the 2nd call to the FIA. Red Bull had already called them about it to get him banned because of the implications,” Toto laughed. Yeah…I have to admit. It’s kind of funny when you think about it. I laughed with him.

“So…I can do what I want when it comes to it?” I asked. 

“I know you very well, and I imagine the worst thing you could manage to do would be good for the team. So, yes. Whatever you want. I trust you more than them,” Toto smiled. 

“Well, let me think about it, yeah? I’ll let you know before I go through with it,” I explained.

“Don’t bother. Like I said, I trust you.”

I gave him a look with a raised eyebrow.

“Okay, well now I’m concerned. What is that supposed to mean?” He asked with a slight giggle.

“Speaking about it at all? Is that fine?” I asked.

“I had no idea what you were about to say. Don’t mess with me like that, Arabella! Yes, of course, speaking about it is fine. Just nothing stupid, obviously.”

I nodded. “Well…I ought to be off to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I shrugged. 

“Oh, of course. Goodnight,” Toto nodded, as I wandered towards the elevator. As I arrived in my room, I stared at my phone. My mind begged me to check to see the updated news. Afterall, who could resist reading the various essays that weren’t really about themselves, but were instead about their ex-boyfriend talking about them. We had dated for some time, but not nearly long enough for Cathal to still be this pissed off about it. In fact, I had started to doubt whether he really still cared, or was just using a shitty microcelebrity like myself to constantly relaunch himself into fame. All the songs he had written about me when we were together were just crappy love songs, but they had so many little suggestions as to who the woman (or women) might be, that the fans and media couldn’t resist speculation. Since we have broken up and he has yet to find another muse as satisfactory, instead he just keeps milking a years-old break up. 

It would be sad if it weren’t so frustrating. I never really quite liked the spotlight. Yes, I had been photographed with several celebrities, especially drivers and Toto, but there was always an understanding among the media that it was nothing more than business. Maybe a few F1 articles might mention me by name, but nothing quite like the sudden spur of attention I got when Cathal “accidentally” went public with our relationship. I tried to make it work after that. I had just spent 2 weeks being the face of a multi-year search for “the girl,” and then spending the next several months being the center of attention because I was a famous singer's partner. Not to mention, I also happened to be brushing shoulders with a world-champion driver and was the certified micromanager of a world-champion team principal. 

But after the breakup, nothing for Cathal changed. I guess things for me didn’t change either. I kept the same exact life going. Maybe he figured since I hadn’t really had some sort of breakdown, quit my job, and moved continents, that I hadn’t moved on, and he gave himself permission to keep going on and on. But I have changed. I have moved on. Cathal only remains relevant in my life because he forces himself to be. I can’t allow myself to give him what he wants by obsessing over the news articles. Nothing will change for now, at least until Cathal is turned around at the gates tomorrow morning.

Instead of torturing myself, I called Jeffrey back.

“What time is it there?” He answered instead of a hello. 

“Not even 10pm, calm down,” I explained.

“Well, have you seen the news?”

“Obviously, I’ve seen the news, Jeffrey.”

“Sorry, sorry then. Have you heard the song? It’s fucking amazing. He manages to sound like a misogynist, a lemon, and a weasel all at once,” Jeffrey laughed.

“No, Bono told me to avoid it.”

“Bono? Like, Peter Bonnington? You’re friends with Bono?” Jeffrey asked, sounding so very impassioned that it began to feel like he didn’t believe me. 

“Yes, Peter Bonnington. And yes we’re friends. He’s practically my work husband.”

“I thought your work husband was Toto,” Jeffrey cackled, evilly.

“Very funny. Listen, I called you back not to be your court jester. I called you back because I need your help.”

“Oh, you finally admit it, yeah?”

“Jeffrey. I will cut you out right now.”

“Alright, alright. You did sign a contract though.”

“Jeffrey!”

“Fine, Arabella. I’m listening.”

I took a deep breath. “I need to do something. This time Cathal took it too far,” I explained.

“You don’t even know how far though, Arabella. Not without listening to the song,” Jeffrey groaned. “Before you do anything, you need to understand the full scope.”

“I’m not listening to it.”

“Fine, don’t. Let me explain it to you at least.”

“No quotes.”

“No quotes, got it. Alright, get in your head for me the song Creep by Radiohead. It’s not quite a cover, probably to avoid any copyright issues with him writing a freakish song, but it’s similar enough for you to imagine. Then, he must say ‘bitch,’ 40 times. Basically, the whole argument in the lyrics is a woman who tries to appear incredibly nice but is trying to keep some sort of hidden motive under wraps. That motive? An obsession over a celebrity that she constantly stalks. But instead of her calling herself a bitch, it’s the celebrity calling her a bitch. The funniest part about all of it though, is that he is obsessing over you.”

“Is that quite as funny as you think it is?”

“Oh…yeah, I guess not. I guess…it’s just creepy.”

“No, it’s hilarious,” I laughed. “He just seems like an idiot, doesn’t he?”

“More like a stalker who completely misunderstood the appeal of Creep. Absolute nonsense.”

“Well, what do you think I should do about it?”

“Honestly, you could just write an extremely short tweet and it would probably destroy the European internet. This man competed in Eurovision with a song about you.”

“Yeah, and didn’t even qualify,” I mumbled. “Anyway, no. I want something serious.”

“Well, then, write a statement. I’ve got a friend at The Guardian. It’ll be published in 20 minutes.”

“You’re bullshitting me,” I replied, starting to mess with the skin on my fingers. An unfortunate hold over from my more anxious days. 

“Not at all. He’s an editor for the essays column. If you write it well, we can get it published. But I’d wait until the morning at least to see what happens when he comes through the paddock.”

“He won’t be coming through the paddock. FIA issued a temporary ban. He’ll be turned around at the gate,” I explained. I could hear Jeffrey tap his fingers, and I waited for his response.

“Write the essay tonight. Get it to me in the morning. Just remember, I’m 3 hours behind. You have to send it before 6am there, so I can make any necessary edits,” Jeffrey ordered me.

“Hold on, hold on! What do I even write about?” I asked. I picked my fingers faster.

“You know what to write about. Send me a cute headshot for the article too, and any pictures you might have of the two of you together,” Jeffrey continued.

“No, no I do not. I am an assistant, not a writer.”

“Oh hush. Give me everything, I’ll take out anything that needs to be gone.”

I took a deep breath. “Alright.”

“Alright, go on and write! Talk to you in the morning.” Jeffrey hung up. I sat staring at my phone for a few seconds before jumping up and grabbing my laptop. There was no time to hesitate. I sat my fingers on the keys and began to write. 

~

“I’ve got a surprise for you!” Cathal smiled, as he threw down an envelope onto the couch. 

“What is it?” I asked, barely looking up from my computer. He picked the envelope back up and placed it in my hands.

“Sundae, don’t touch my laptop,” I sighed, setting my computer off to the side. Sundae immediately began typing on it. I couldn’t shoo her away. It was too cute. I opened up the folder he gave me and there sat a whole bunch of pamphlets. 

“Uhhh,” I began filtering through them, just picking up on little details here and there.

“I booked us a resort in Morocco! We can visit your family!” Cathal cheered. I looked at him. I could feel my eyes nearly bulging out of my skull. I tried to tone down my expression, but my face was fighting my brain.

“So we can do what?” I asked. I couldn’t have possibly heard that right.

“Oh no. Did I mess up? To visit your family,” Cathal remarked, quickly sitting down next to me. This sent Sundae right to his lap. 

“No, no. You didn’t mess up. Not a mess up. Not one at all. I just wasn’t expecting it,” I smiled. 

“Oh, good. It's during the winter break. Ramadan is then, right?” Cathal asked. 

“Ramadan is in May this year,” I explained.

“I thought it was a winter holiday?” Cathal questioned. 

“It’s a Lunar calendar. It was in January in the 90s or something.”

“It can’t be a Lunar calendar. Don’t Jewish people have one too? Chanukkah is always around the same time.”

“They have leap months,” I explained. 

“Oh…sorry. Well, when will it be during the winter break again?” 

“Like…10 years or something?” 

“Well...hold on...actually, I don’t know if I can reschedule it out that far.”

“I actually think visiting during Ramadan would be the worst possible time considering I’m not religious,” I explained.

“Oh, then good!” Cathal smiled. Yeah. Awesome. I can’t wait. 

“This was really nice of you. I’m so excited to visit them.”

“Great! Yeah. Maybe we can make it an annual thing.”

“Let’s not. I mean…I’m just not close to them. I’m happy to visit my parents in the Netherlands, though.”

“I thought you were super close to them. You visited them every year, didn’t you?”

“As a kid I did. It’ll be good to see them though. Don’t worry. I’m really excited,” I beamed. 

“Good. Quit scaring me though. You’re making me worried I did something wrong.”

“Sorry.”

~

I kept writing, and starting over. I’d write the whole thing, and start it over again. There was no way I’d be happy with it though. Every edit and every change only made me more frustrated. I do know that it’s time I finally put this to rest. So as I desperately searched for the words to say that in a way that would make sense, I kept writing. I wasn’t thinking about what I was writing, just the words I wanted to use somewhere, at some point. By the time I looked down, I had it. 3am. A whole 3 hours early. I sent it over to Jeffrey. My phone buzzed just a few seconds later.

Jeffrey: I’m looking it over now. Passes the smell check though. Go to bed. 

No way he read it that fast. I stared at his text and started to think of a snarky reply to his order, but he was right. I didn’t have much time to get a lot of sleep. I would have to smush 8 or so hours into only 3. I shoved my face into the pillow, trying to force the sleep to come. Instead, I think I just suffocated myself until my brain was deprived of enough oxygen for me to be knocked out. 

It worked though. I woke up just 3 hours later, and rediscovered what I already knew. You cannot possibly smush 8 hours of sleep into 3. I decided to spend most of my morning routine trying to get rid of any signs of sleep deprivation on my face, and thought I did a pretty good job. I stepped out of my room and knocked on Toto’s door. 

“Coming,” I heard him call. He swung the door open, and there he stood in the process of buttoning up his shirt. 

“Oh, how did you sleep?” He asked, turning his head as he looked at me. 

“Shit, do I look tired?” I asked, trying to adjust my hair as best possible.

“It’s a common greeting in the morning, is it not? You look fine,” Toto smiled. He took his hand through his hair and stepped to grab his bag. I caught the door with my foot. “But you must be tired if you thought that was the implication, yeah?”

“I think I sort of…forced myself to go to sleep somehow. I don’t feel too tired though.”

“That’s a lie,” Toto smirked.

“Yeah, that was a lie,” I sighed.

“Alright. Let’s go. First day of the season. First day of the season!” Toto cheered.

Tag list: @daddyslittlevillain, @littleheaven

[exyugoth]

December 1st, 2022 (on grief and displacement)

As far as I can remember, at the age of 24, I have only been to two funerals. Both happened during warm summer days spent in Bosnia. I was just a teenager when I attended the first one to show support to my godmother, who had just lost her grandfather. He was buried in the orthodox fashion. Neighbours, friends and family were present. A priest said a few words, before singing a haunting prayer. Everyone was so quiet and sad. The second one occurred years later, when I was a young adult and my cousins, who live in Bosnia, lost their nana. She was buried in the muslim fashion, a street away from their home. Again, neighbours, friends and family were present. The imam and some of her male relatives prayed for her. The atmosphere was heavy. A lot of people cried and could not stifle their sobs. 

My grandpa, my dad’s dad, died when I was 15, but it is still feels like it only happened yesterday. I remember the moment I learned the news. I had been away for a week on a school trip to England. My grandpa had been sick for a little while and we’d get news over the phone regularly. I was young, so I didn’t think much of it, and my parents just let me be a carefree teenager. The day I got back from that field trip, my mum and my sister came to pick me up. As soon as we got home, I felt something wasn't right. Before we got there, the lights everywhere in the house were off. I asked “Where’s dad?” My mum took me to my room and put down my luggage there. She let me know my grandpa had passed away while I was gone and my dad had gone to Bosnia to take care of things. After that, I think I pretended I had to pee and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. We never were too good about communicating or sharing our feelings. I don’t remember much after that. I just know I felt really sad, but my parents made the choice for me that life had to go on. And so it did, except on the few nights I’m still occasionally hit by grief and I cry.

Death has hit a few other times since then. My grandma lost her sister during Covid, when travelling from France to Bosnia was impossible. I saw her melt in front of my eyes from grief. Only a year later, when they could finally go back, she was given some of her jewellery that she shows me from time to time. “Ovo je od moje Mine.” she tells me.

Then, a week ago, my grandma lost her brother, her only remaining sibling, from a devastating lung cancer. On a Thursday, his son called us to let us know he only had a few days left. My parents started planning a last minute trip to Germany where he lived, so they could see one another one last time, since Covid and old age had made travelling harder than ever, but he decided against it. He died on that Saturday.

"They were lucky to be in the same country when their relative died.” That’s a sick, selfish thought I had when I wrote those first few paragraphs. I try to make sense of things, and think for a second maybe if I got to bury all these people and say goodbye, it’d be easier. Of course, the reality is a lot different and it’s never that easy. As I got old, I realized wars create two types of distance, the geographical one and the emotional one. Because I don’t see my extended family that often, distance makes it hard to connect. If I don’t even get the chance to connect emotionally, it should be easy to handle death when it comes around, right? As a result, when I grieve those close to my heart, I think I mainly grieve what could have been. I grieve the stories I was never told about my parents, or my grandma, or their own life stories. I grieve the fact my sweet grandpa never really got to see me grow up and I never really got to see him get old. He saw me once a year, for a month. And, most of the time, I was too busy being a child running in the street with my friends, except for when he would force me to walk to the store with him so he could buy me all the chocolate in the world. Despite my occasional resistance, despite the little time we spent together, it was a widespread fact in the family that I was, somehow, his favourite grandchild. I always pretend I’m ashamed of it - because grandparents shouldn’t have favourites - but deep down I think I’m proud of it. I always wonder if he’d be proud of me today, were he still around. We both only got a glimpse of what our relationship could have been. I cannot wrap my mind around that kind of injustice.

In therapy, on Tuesday, as I sobbed because I felt like death kept knocking on my door too many times in a really short period and it was becoming inescapable and somehow the world kept spinning and life had to go on, I kept rambling about how impossible it was, because of the fucked systems we’ve created and continue to uphold, to live humanely.  “What if I wanted to stop everything for three weeks or three months to take care of myself? Of my grandparents? To deal with the fact even grief has to take a widely different form for us displaced people, and daughters and granddaughters of displaced people?”  “Why three months or weeks?” she asked. “I don’t know, Julia. Maybe all those years in Catholic school finally paid off and my subconscious can’t help but think about the Holy Trinity!” (Except I don’t actually call her by her first name, but I think it’d be funny if I did.) “But the point is I couldn’t do that!”  “No, you’re right, you couldn’t do that. You can’t stop everything for three months, but you can try to set aside some time to write down what you’re going through and take that time for yourself. You can do little things for your grandparents too. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

I think all these thoughts and feelings would take more than a regular lifetime to process. But I don’t know what to do with them, so I might as well write about them, as per my therapist’s suggestion. Send them off into the ether. Make them other people’s problem too. Anything to avoid keeping it to myself in my sad brain and dealing with it on my own. 

[sasquapossum]

I’m having a bit of a “Karen” moment. Last night I had a bad experience with a Lyft driver, and today I had an equally bad experience with Lyft themselves. Here’s my story.

Background

My daughter and I had to endure a rather hellish trip to Madison, Wisconsin on Friday continuing into Saturday. Yes, the “continuing into” part of what made it hellish, but I already wrote about that. None of this had anything to do with Lyft, and I don’t even find fault with the United folks who were involved - the customer service folks were actually impressive as hell - but it left us a bit travel-weary even before we began the trip back yesterday. In addition, my daughter seems to have picked up a cold - perhaps flu, almost certainly not COVID - despite all of our precautions, so she was a pretty unhappy camper. Naturally, that put me a bit on edge too.

Real Life Events

So we get to Logan (Boston) terminal B pretty much on time, pick up our bags, and I set about getting us a ride. Seemed to take a bit longer than usual before I got details on a driver, but OK. Eventually I see that “Rita” - not her name but a bad character from iZombie - has accepted our ride request. She’s already at the airport, a mere three minutes away. Cool. Unfortunately, Massport - the agency that controls Logan - doesn’t allow curbside pickup. Off we go, following the confusing signage (it was better once BTW) to the designated ride-share pickup area. This is outside, on level 2, in what used to be a parking area between the two halves of terminal B.

But wait ... Rita’s not three minutes away after all. She’s 17 minutes away now. She’s “finishing a ride” which seems to be taking her all the way to the Seaport district on the other side of the Ted Williams tunnel. Weird. OTOH, I also see that she’s a “top driver” so I don’t suspect beyond a glitchy app yet. We’ll get back to these points later. Meanwhile, we wait.

OK, so Rita has come back from the Seaport district and ... is circling the terminal. At least twice, I think three times. I’m just beginning to get annoyed now. Twenty minutes in the cold with a sick daughter will do that to a guy. Then I get the “Rita is here” notification. No she fucking isn’t. There are about a half-dozen cars in the pickup area, and none of them come close to matching. Huh? At this point I hit the “contact driver” button, which starts a text chat.

me: Where are you?

her: United departures.

me: OK, coming down from the *ride share pickup* area.

As I said, Massport has rules about these things, so she was in the wrong place. Nonetheless, we start walking toward United departures. Dear daughter is getting visibly fatigued by all of this moving around, but she’s bearing it really well.

Lyft app: Your driver, Harold [again not his real name] will be here in five minutes.

Yep. After making us wait in the cold for twenty minutes and then showing up at the wrong place, she bailed on us. I was livid. Fortunately, Harold really was there in five minutes and was totally cool, so we got home without further incident.

Online Events

This morning I was still a bit mad, so I tried to report Rita’s behavior. First I try help within the app, but can’t find an option that lets me report what actually happened.

Most reporting options (e.g. “Unpleasant Experience”) require that you select a ride .. but we didn’t actually get a ride from Rita. That’s kind of the whole problem, innit?

The only reporting option that doesn’t seem to require a ride is “Safety Problem or Accident” but this was neither of those.

There’s no “none of the above” option, or phone/email, or text chat.

This kind of “make reporting difficult” chicanery is a common dark pattern nowadays, especially in the "gig economy” which is all about fee maximization and cost reduction for the company itself. So I decide to try email instead, and send them basically the same account you see above. Immediately there’s an auto-reply that support@lyft.com is no longer maintained. Grrr.

At this point I’m starting to get as annoyed at Lyft as I was with Rita. There’s one more option to try. Like many others, I discovered a while ago that getting a company’s attention on Twitter was often more effective than using “normal” channels. Might be the only thing that site’s still good for. Anyway, I decide to give it a try.

Unfortunately, all I’ve gotten from them so far is a runaround - suggesting things I had already tried (and said I’d tried) in the app, asking me to doxx Rita on a global site (nope), etc. There’s still a tiny glimmer of hope, but no more. UPDATE: as I was writing this, I got a long apology from them on Twitter, and a $5 coupon.

Analysis

First, yes, I know I probably shouldn’t have been using Lyft anyway. “At least we’re not Uber” was never a particularly strong identity, from either a rider or driver perspective, and now we see that it’s not even an accurate statement. Definitely planning to go back to using regular cabs, who mostly have apps providing an equivalent experience by now and also take driver misconduct seriously.

Second, I probably should have known to cancel and re-book the ride as soon as I saw “17 minutes” on my screen. It’s a bit rude, but sometimes it’s an appropriate action because of how Lyft works. Drivers are basically able to accept rides from anywhere. Some of them do so only when they are legitimately close. Some of them do so a bit over-eagerly, trying to get a jump on a good fare when they know (or should know) they won’t be able to provide the best total trip time. This is probably where my “Five-Star Rider” and “Top Tipper” badges (which I’m pretty sure they can see) come into play. On the positive side they probably reduce my average time to get a ride. On the negative side they also attract bad actors.

That brings us back to Rita. As far as I can tell, she’s exploiting two loopholes here.

As soon as a driver says they’re “finishing” a ride they can accept another one, but there’s nothing to stop them from hitting that button at any point in the ride including the start. It’s a great way for an unscrupulous driver to avoid ever having idle time.

If you don’t actually give the ride, you can’t get a bad rating and it becomes almost impossible for anyone to report you. Thus, if you already know you screwed up - and particularly if you can tell the rider is getting annoyed - the unscrupulous thing to do is cancel before they actually become your rider.

That “Top Driver” status is almost certainly the result of gaming the system, not of actually providing good service ... and that is Lyft’s fault. Rita is playing the game they set up (as I am by shaming them on Twitter BTW). It’s their responsibility to resist or defeat that in their app design, in their policies and their enforcement, etc. They have clearly chosen to let bad behavior persist on their platform, because they don’t care about either drivers or riders as much as they care about cost cutting. Which is basically the guiding principle of the entire gig economy, if not all of capitalism.

[eziojensenthe3rd]

Midnight Gaming: Take me home, country roads...

So last night I played Fallout 76 past midnight, checked socials... ok you know what we should talk about that a bit.

So the way in which I write these is thag around 8pm, I play a game with the aim to play it past midnight, when thats done I shut everything off, get into bed and use my phone to make notes and check socials for the news. After that I go to sleep and then tomorrow I check my notes and write the post for the day.

Its all to recreate a funny set of circumstances that created one of strangest coincidences i've ever seen. I played crime boss rockay city past midnight, trump got shot. I played fallout 76 past midnight, biden got covid. I played divinity original sin past midnight and biden stepped down with kamala harris now running. I recently played deathspank past midnight and now the us stock market crashed. All of this just to see what'll happen next and to give me something creative to build up for myself.

Thing is, im usually up at 2 or 3 am before I decide to say screw it and go to bed with nothing much to report for tomorrow. Atleast, nothing to report that isnt politics related, id rather Midnight Gaming not be too politically focused. So I ask you, anyone who is reading, would you rather I stick to this or would it be alright If leave checking the news to tomorrow instead of after midnight. Atleast that way I can have more of a selection on what to report for the news segment on these posts. Let me know in the comments whatd you perfer.

So Fallout 76, is it good? Ehhhh... is it playable? Yes. The game atm is playable and you may in fact get some enjoyment out of it. I just wouldnt call it good per se. Once you get outta the vault, the land of west virgina is available to you and to bethesda's credit, appalachia is one the better fallout locales to explore, the various zones from the verdant forest, the savage divide and the cranberry bog to name a few are distinct enough with their own look.

As you explore the world, your main focus is to level up so you can get perk cards and special stats to create a build. And there are a wide variety of weapons to utilise along with ways to build your character. You can go melee, go with sniper rifles or automatics. Go with explosives or use energy weapons. There is a variety to choose from and once you do, you'll want to equip the right perks to utilise them. It does start off running, but when you reach endgame, it does feel like you run outta steam.

The biggest dealbreaker for me when it comes to games is when im left with nothing to do or if what im doing feels too tedious to be worth it. I played warframe before, multiple times infact, on pc, on xbox and on switch. When I tried to get into warframe again, I linked all of my accounts into one and logged in only to hit a brick wall. I have all of my stuff, my warframes, my weapons, my mods. I have locales open and quests in my log. Im just sitting there on my orbiter asking myself "what do I do now?". I had no plan on what i wanted to do, on what i wanted to work on or even what I feel would be fun to do. Im just pacing up and down my ship feeling awkward and lost. Eventually I decided to just forget it and leave, uninstalled and did something else. I felt too awkward to do anything and as a result, it killed any momentum I had going into warframe, causing me to bounce right off.

I left warframe because I couldnt find something I wanted to do, feeling like I had forgotten how to swim and being dunked into the deep end, frantically trying to recall that knowledge. I would've perferred some way of easing myself back in so I dont feel too overwhelmed with everything. With fallout 76 i'm facing the other issue, I have all the gear, perks and weapons that I want that theres nothing left worthwhile to do. I've grinded for a union power armor set, i'm carrying 3 star heavy weapons that shred through most enemies, I have my build set up to allow me to do a lot of damage and resist a lot back. All i'm doing is bouncing between daily quests, daily ops and random events while gaining more levels to save up coins to level up legendary perks while rerolling my gear for more optimal loadouts.

I've done most of what I wanted to do that there isn't much else left to interest me, aside from maybe doing questlines for the stories but otherwise, I think im spent for the time being, no recent or upcoming update has been compelling enough for me to stay.

Fallout 76 is playable yes, the work has been done to improve on the intial launch, one that was buggy and unpalatable for many outside of those who wanted to just point and laugh, but if there was one thing about fallout 76 that was compelling, it was the original story involving you, the resident of vault 76 and the scorched threat.

You're a part of privileged few who got to avoid the horrors of the great war, living in the vault while training and being groomed for the ultimate task: reclamation. To venture back out into the ruined world and rebuild america. Shortly after the bombs fall, reclamation day arrives and you head out to find.. appalachia is fine, seemingly so. West Virginia isn't really a high priority target so its mostly untouched by nuclear devastation. You go into the nearest town to find plenty of evidence that people outside the vault have survived the end of the world and have already started on rebuilding their lives.... and yet no sign of life.. atleast... any that are living.

And then you find out why. A terrible plague that causes the affected to attack, infect and corrupt others, heralded by the winged scorchbeast that champions the sky, spreading its foul influence to assert its dominion on the land below. In your search to find a way to fight this threat, you uncover the ways in which many of the old factions fell, their distrust and unwillingness to cooperate with each other being their downfall, divided they were and conquered they became. Eventually you're led to the hidden nuclear silos, now having to use the very thing that destroyed the world you once knew, in order to save whats left of it.

Throughout appalachia you come across holotapes of your old overseer at various locales, detailing her journey across the new world. One of them seems to take place after the main story of 76, with her expressing complete and utter horror of the vault dwellers, of you, continuing to use the nuclear silos to wage small scale nuclear warfare on each other. She was given the secret task of securing the silos by herself, a near impossible task that forces her to ask her own people via holotape to help.

She wonders if that was in fact part of the plan, to get the reclaimers involved and aware of the silos. She mentions in one log of how she found out about the vaults being experiments but was convinced AND reassured that the experiments were necessary and that 76 would be a normal vault. Was that a half-truth, was it all just one big experiment to satiate some short-sighted curiosity. Were those selected for 76 chosen for being the best or for just being the most skilled and the most competitive. If you took your time and checked the computers in the vault, you can find they had to arrange small contests and awards to occupy the dwellers, one dweller even ended up losing a tooth in an act of spite from a sore loser. Was that foreshadowing of what would happen when the reclaimers gain access to nuclear arms? As she loses her faith in the company she served, she begs you the player to stop using the silos, to stop this madness, to stop bringing further destruction to appalachia.

The fallout series was a look into the cautionary tale of idolising and obsessing over the past. To be stuck recreating the glory days instead of moving forward. The 50's aesthetic that makes up the ruins of the post war america wasn't chosen for looks, but to serve the underlying message, that the jingoism and nationalist red scare was the enabling force of societys worst, most destructive flaws, culminating in total obliteration via atomic fire. That meaning does get lost as the ip becomes gentrified under bethesda. The dread of the cold war now just a bit for the brand, the blast of the atomic bomb not illiciting fear but joy as it could mean a unique boss is spawned to fight or unique crafting materials to collect. What was considered a morbid look into the damnation of humanity's foolhardiness, now just part of the marketing spiel with the phrase "war, war never changes".

But the original story of Fallout 76, before wastelanders brought the npcs back, it atleast had some promise. Of being alone in a post war appalachia with no other humans, with only the mutants, the self sustaining robots, the shadows burnt into the walls and the dying words of survivors as your only company. Of the lone holotape in a secluded shack, carrying the words of your overseer, pleading and begging you, the family she knew and survived armageddeon with.

To stop loving the bomb, and start worrying.

See you all tomorrow. Be sure to let me know what you want done regarding how I handle news. Feedback is appreciated, anons are currently on.

[anothershittydiaryblog]

The Zo story

Ok... Here it is... The WHOLE story about Zo. This is a long one.

In true Gen Z fashion we met on Tinder. I actually intended on swiping left on him. I know that's rude to say but I told him this and here's why: Even though he had this infectious smile and innocence to his eyes something about him seemed dangerous. I had never dated anyone who was significantly larger than I was and it seemed scary. I was already afraid of men in general because I've been a victim of abuse at the hands of most of the men I've trusted. So I didn't want to run the risk of being physically overpowered by a man.

But life has a funny was of fucking with me. The swipe registered as right and guess who messages me that day! Zo does.

The conversation started off better than normal to be honest. He came off as funny and charming. He was great at talking on the phone and not long after that I had agreed to let him come and visit me in my apartment. If you ask him the most memorable part of the day we met was when he heard "Down With the Sickness" blasting through my front door. For me though, it was how obviously nervous he was when he walked through the door. The whole time we sat and watched The 100 (a terrible show) and talked shit. Well I did most of the talking. He sat there looking like he was physically bracing himself. You know that pose you do when you thing someone is about to hit you. That was him. I used to joke and say he was tenser than my fridge.

He was a little weird but funny, and we had similar interests so I gave him a second chance to show me his personality a bit more. Two days later he came again. We talked shit at The 100 ate some snacks and he left. I noticed that both times he came over he didn't do as much as lay a finger on me. I found that cute and also as a sign that he must be safe. When I texted him that night I told him that I noticed he didn't want to touch me. He just explained that he was nervous. That's so Zo...

The third time he came over we did the same thing and watched the same show but halfway through the second or third episode he held my hand. I had never felt the kind of tension I felt at that moment before. It was like electricity had started running through my body the moment his fingers touched mine. Then fingers touching turned to hands. His hands on my arm. My lips on his lips. My hips on his. I'll spare you the details but I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

In two months time we were officially dating and two months after that he was moving in. I had started a new job and was making more money and he was collecting that good COVID-19 unemployment check every week. I learned he had left college just before the pandemic started so I didn't mind that he wasn't working. I wasn't either when we met and he made more money than I did even after I had a job so I wasn't complaining.

All was well, but I started noticing some things that I was (stupidly) willing to overlook. He was clearly emotionally immature in some ways. He would get really upset over small things. LIKE REALLY UPSET. For example: I bought him brand new Playstation controller as a gift. He lost at his game one too many times and smashed the controller into pieces the week I got it. Then he cried uncontrollably for hours. I consoled him the best I could until I finally agreed to replace it for him. I went out the next day and got it for him.

I noticed that I couldn't just make whatever I wanted to eat for dinner. I had to cook his favorites and nothing else or he wasn't going to eat it. That meant no more vegetables or seafood, foods that were too soft, or left-overs. He really only ever wanted to eat fried foods with meat and cheese and potatoes. I quickly grew sick of eating like that and would sneakily have dinner before coming home from work most nights.

Something that really stuck with me was the fact that he didn't want me to be non-binary. I told him once that I didn't really feel like a woman and I wasn't sure if I was one. Maybe I could live my life as something else. I didn't want to be a man, but woman didn't feel right to me. I asked him if he'd still love if I wasn't a woman. Zo looked me in the face and told me that he'd leave me if I decided I wasn't a woman and I never brought the subject up to him again.

Another red flag I should have never ignored was the fact that he believed men needed to have sex. This was an argument he had been trying to convince me of very early into our relationship. I wasn't hearing it though. There's no way having a penis makes it a requirement for you to have sex. I wonder how many times he had used that tactic on his ex girlfriends.

About two and a half years go by and he finally lands a job he likes after quitting 5 or 6 that he claimed to not like. I had worked my way up in my position enough to make good money too. We had moved into a much nicer apartment in a much nicer neighborhood. From the outside looking in, life couldn't get better.

Zo's behavior was honestly worse. But a big two bedroom apartment allowed for me to have my space when I wanted it... Sometimes. Zo was needy and childish. He got angry very often but never with me. He never helped out around the apartment even though he was home more than I was. He expected me to take care of EVERYTHING: groceries, finances, house work, meals, cars, E V E R Y T H I N G. All this on top of my 12 hour work days. I was tired and felt like a single parent some days, but I wasn't going to admit that.

No one knew how hard it truly was for me. How was supposed to tell Zo that he was making my life harder when something as small as burnt toast could cause a major melt down that would take me hours to calm him down from. Zo was getting high and drunk constantly to the point where he couldn't sleep, eat or even enjoy his day with out getting fucked up. I fell into that pattern too to be honest. I could drink grown men under the table thanks to him. Drinking was my only escape from his terrible behavior and smoking was the only thing that kept him at bay. I remember times when we didn't have money so we would both donate plasma for about 120 bucks total. He would gripe and beg for ME to find a way for us to buy weed with the money we just got. So I would have to take money away from food and gas and bills so he could get high. So I could handle him.

Even though I knew the drinking was bad I kept doing it in excess. I got used to the feeling of waking up still drunk and high from the night before that I wouldn't even notice when I did. I would be so drunk some nights that I would pass out where I sat. It didn't matter if there were people over or I was hosting a party. I would drink until I couldn't keep my eyes open. Unfortunately, something bad had to happen to get me to not what to drink like that.

Remember when I said Zo believed that he needed sex. Well that sentiment never changed. His attitude around the sexual aspect of our relationship was god awful as well. One night, after a day of binge drinking, I felt as if I was too drunk to have sex and could feel myself passing out. When I denied Zo's advances he got really upset. More sad than anything and I couldn't figure out why. This happened a few times after that until I eventually made him tell me what was going on. He told me that he felt as if I was rejecting him when I declined to have sex with him... Now, it would be one thing if we weren't having sex very often but we would have sex several times a week. Days in a row. Often enough for me to need to take days off at a time because I was sore. There were many times I would STILL have sex with him even though it was painful. Yet he insisted that on the two, maybe three, days a week I didn't want to have sex with him was me saying that I didn't find him attractive. As if all the other days I did didn't matter any more.

Honestly, hearing that made me want to have sex with him less often. Not because I didn't find him attractive but because 1. He believed he should have some kind of unlimited access to my body and 2. His supremely childish response to being rejected. As if in that moment I was supposed to go "Awe baby I'm so sorry. I'll have sex with you forever everyday whenever you ask me to from now on" .

Maybe I give Zo too much credit by saying he was smarter than one would believe so I'll just say he wasn't absolutely fucking stupid. He knew what he was doing. I noticed that he would watch me, no encourage me to drink more. I didn't care because drunk me loved high Zo. A lot. He would wait till I'm at my drunkest and ready to go to bed to have sex with me. This happened almost every time I drank. I can sometimes remember when we had sex sometimes I would wake up with the feeling but no memory. I remember numerus times that I passed out saying I didn't want to have sex but woke up with his cum on/in me. One time I woke up and my ass hole was sore. I asked him if he had sex with me the night before and he told me in a nonchalant way that "last night we were having sex and you passed out so I was trying to finish up. I slipped out and tried to force my way back in but put it in the wrong hole. You woke up and screamed and passed back out again. I went soft so I just stopped and went to bed." I was shocked and scared that I didn't remember any of that. Hearing about how he had just welcomed himself into my unconscious body made me feel sick. I knew he was doing it but hearing him say it like it was ok...

This wasn't the last time he had done that either. I wish I would have confronted him about it before when I woke up with a sore butthole but I was scared to accuse him of anything. Not until one day he did it when I was sober. Ok. I wasn't sober but not so drunk I couldn't wake up. I remember it so clearly actually. I went to bed denying his advances because I was sore from the 4 previous nights and mornings (we usually had sex at night and the morning after). I had a couple drinks before bed, probably some wine. Nothing major. I drifted off to sleep while he was up on his phone probably masturbating. He did that often enough for me to be able to tell the difference in him doom scrolling and watching porn.

While i was sleeping I was woken up abruptly to the sensation of Zo already on top of me spreading my legs. I yelled and he shushed me saying "Sorry, I had to." I was pitch black in the room and the only thing that calmed me down in that moment was the fact that it was him and not some stranger in my home. Hell, at that point it ought to have been a stranger. Right then, I had relived so much fear and trauma that I thought I was healed from. I was more angry than anything. I felt like I had let that happen to me AGAIN. Why is it the people you love the most, the people who are closest to you, the ones that you trust with everything that find ways to take advantage of you.

The next morning I told him if he ever does anything like that again I'd kill him. He knew I was serious. I was. I was tired of feeling like a dogs favorite stuffed animal. I didn't want him to think he could just keep doing what he wanted with my body. After that night I didn't drink nearly as much as I did before. I was sober up until his next major breakdown which wasn't for another few months.

That moment marked the beginning of the end.

Note to the non-existent reader: Sorry but I'm going to make this a two part entry. It'll be out at the same time so don't worry.

[fuckplatinum]

Is there a gang problem in your area? Nope.

Do you make your Starbucks order more complicated if it isn’t busy? I don't really get Starbucks, so no.

Do you consider airports to be emotional places? They can be.

When you marry, will you wear white? Probably an off white.

What vaccine that you’ve received hurt the most? 2nd covid jab but only because she hit a nerve.

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? Monogamous.

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Nope.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Yeah, for the right person.

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than three months of no communication? Once.

Do you or would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I have tried them but I find them annoying.

What was the last television show that you sat and watched multiple episodes of? Below Deck, Holly was watching it.

Is there anything significant happening this month? I started dating Dan!

When was the last time you plucked your eyebrows? About 3 days ago, I mostly wax them.

Do you have any chronic pain? Yes.

When was the last time you had a Poptart? Recently actually, Holly brought some round.

Do you like hot chocolate? I do.

What’s your favorite Michael Jackson song? Leave Me Alone.

Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans from? Asos + a charity shop.

Do you like TGI Fridays? It's pretty average.

Have you ever read anything by Edgar Allen Poe? I have.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Either earlier today or yesterday, I've lost track of time.

What are your grandfathers’ names? Ric and Fred.

Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Yeah.

When’s the last time you ate bread? I had a wrap for lunch.

What’s the last movie you watched on your own? I don't know.

How many coats do you own? Too many.

Do you like snow? Yes.

Do you like sheer clothing? Sometimes.

Are you hungry right now? No.

Are you regularly tired? Yeah.

How’s the weather been today? Quite warm.

What was the first tattoo you got or what would be the first tattoo you’ll get? My dad's handwriting.

What was the last store you went into and did you buy anything? Sainsbury's and yeah, stuff for dinner.

Have you ever been late for school or work? Yeah, I hate being late.

Do you prefer to shower in the morning or at night? At night.

Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? No.

Do you have a small, medium or large bedroom? Fairly small.

Are you a fan of The Office? Yes.

What is your favourite type of nut? Cashews and pistachios.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a middle name? Yeah.

Have you put your phone on silent today? Yeah, at work.

Have you stayed up past 3 in the morning this week? Gross, yes.

Do you prefer to wrap gifts or use gift bags? I like both.

From where you're sitting, can you turn the lights off? They're Alexa controlled so yes.

Do you wear a ring on your left hand middle finger? Sometimes.

Tell me the current time? 9:58pm.

Are you currently listening to music through earphones? No.

What color shirt are you wearing? Is it your favorite color? Black, sure.

Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? Sharon's parrot.

Name one thing you are glad you accomplished today? Made dinner.

Name one thing you wished you accomplished today but didn't? Cleaning the kitchen.

Do you ever not speak to someone because you're afraid you'll annoy them? Yeah.

Is there any drama going on in your circle of friends? Nope.

Have you ever known a guy who caused a lot of drama? Yeah.

Is there anyone you know who wears their hair in pigtails regularly? No.

Personally, do you think you have a nice smile? No.

Do you know anyone who can fluently speak more than two languages? Yes.

How many windows are open on your computer right now? One.

Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? Fast.

Have you ever gone in a sauna? Yeah, hated it.

Out of these colors, which appeals most to you: orange, blue, or green? Green.

Have you celebrated your birthday yet this year? Nope.

Is there anything you're saving up for? Driving.

What is your favorite social networking site? Instagram.

Do you currently have any bugbites? No.

Is where you live on a boulevard, road, street, or avenue? I live on a "drive." <-Same.

Look around, are things organized? No, I'll tidy tomorrow.

Know what you're planning to do after this? Read my book.

[castle-dominion]

c4x7 cops & robbers

castle: bored af Tho I like how he's with his mom at the bank not for co-signing or anything but just for... moral support?

MR: Richard, I’m a business woman now. I do not want your money, I do not want your signature, thank you very much. It’s the principle. Dp: No, Ms. Rogers, it’s the interest. RC: And I’ve just lost mine. Excuse me.

I'm watching this after covid, it didn't seem out of the ordinary At All to see ppl with masks. RC, seeing sussy stuff: Hm. I think this bank is about to be robbed. *robbery starts* RC: It’s not my imagination. It’s definitely not my imagination. I love how he Just Happens to be on the phone with the cops when this is going down lol. She's able to just call it over to her homicide team

Ok so I know This Guy & he just nods at castle's shh motion. Makes sense For Now. Castle should really put the phone in his bra or smth so he can have it still recording w/o needing to have it up to his ear obviously. If it was in his bra (which he totally has) he could still describe the scene (which is smart of him) Manager just has it on his neck? Make that four. "You a cop? (to Castle) You called a cop?" "No. I-- We were already on the line when you guys came in."

British sounding accent huh Love the different doctor names. My first thought was healthcare was so bad in the usa that they needed to rob a bank. How did he open the door I thought he locked it? He DID lock it the thing is right there! I guess it has some wiggle room. You know, come to think of it, those doors look lik ethey are made of glass. Strong structured & thick, but still. A heavy object a couple times... Love a good hostage situation. We've all seen Die Hard we know how this goes.

Man's right. You're homicide he's robbery. He's also very calm & direct. Not impolite but firm & short. (tho "missed your cue" was rude) Where's demming tho?

What if I raise my hand to ask a question? lmao acab tho I don't trust anything here

Ryan looks very s2 like. Blue shirt, tie, brown normal jacket. Espt looks bisexual with his layers. Nice to have contacts in emergency service units Bro I think the robbery people have this handled.

She's a woman she doesn't need to have a bedroom voice the robber is just like horny & straight or smth I don't think that keeping him calm is hard bc he seems like a pro. TJ: Yeah, I don't like that other guy. KB: Yeah, me neither. peterson: ?? Trapper John! Bro it's M*A*S*H! You should come down & watch this episode with us! He IS a pro Oh no now cap peterson thinks that he is beckett's boyf.

Wow what a jerk. Blaming someone for the bank getting robbed. Or well, for getting the cops here too soon. If the cops didn't get here maybe they would have left with the money & let the hostages go. Except the bank ppl said the silent alarms went so ok. Oh no don't tell me we're going to deliver a baby I like how she says they should let the pregnant lady go but the way she says it implies she's ok with being held hostage.

RC: Don’t worry mother. I saw this work on Die Hard. RC: Uh, Mr. Howser-- Excuse me, Doctor Howser. Why not just give them a cup behind a desk?

RC: So, why Doogie Howser? I mean there's so many cool TV doctors you could pick.

Was espt in ESU before homicide? What IS his exp?

omg he likes her <3 lmao the banker & actress hitting it off I wanted to check out the food at my new work before I start working there & ofc I ended up using the washroom & there was some sort of old b/w sensual film playing in the stall. it is not his box: how did he get the key? woah castle remembers which wall & row & column it was in?? & Dp knows the number??? Martha-?

Three hours sounds... reasonable...

it's me! I know morse code! ... -.. is what I saw but they kept cutting away. I also don't know numbers only letters. Numbers are easy I just don't know them. how DO you know it's him? It could be another smart civilian!

Martha actress moments Why is That Guy telling castle this? He was "in the washroom" during castle's secret message sal martino? idk I'll continue with That Guy (unless I quote). "you have no idea" WOW THIS EPISODE IS GOOD I don't make promises

Rick did too well, SM was supposed to freak out bc of the c-4 but rick calmed him down which was NOT the plan.

Wasn't gideon fields? Sus. KR: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't go in there, we don't have a warrant and we don't have probable cause. JE: Bro, Castle's life depends on this. KR: ... Did you just hear that? I think I just heard someone yell out, "Help, police!" JE: (in a voice) "Help, police!" There it is again. Ah yes, dead bodies. Grody. & perfect for the homicide detectives.

I couldn't tell if she was dead for a week or she was just old... but then again the smell of decomp

JE: I don't get it. This is a little, old, retired librarian. What could possibly be in her safe deposit box that would be worth doing all this? KR: Nazi gold, cold fusion, map to Atlantis. JE: Hey, Castle Jr., could you maybe start thinking like a cop, please? (Castle HAS mentioned nazi gold) KR standing with That Booty: I am!?? JE: Are you? KR: It had to have been something huge that was worth killing her over, right? Hey, Super Cop, check it out.

Hug alexis, becks, she needs it, you might too. But hey, rick made kate promise to take care of alexis! & esposito promised to get rid of his porn collection!

Rick just do the flashing bracelet thing again. Idk numbers but (-.-.) ..-. --- ..- .-. is easy enough What is HER accent? cushions is a good idea <3 GOSH WHAT aT Least put him sideways so he doesn't choke!

told Whom to stay with her? Y'all never leave me a voicemail, please text.

it's legit not enough time bestie Send in esposito he looks like a buff firefighter paramedic

Trapper would know her voice. Bad idea. Love the double talking obv not a paramedic since she didn't know she could put the gurney closer to the ground & then raise it up once the fellow is on there UM SIGN LANGUAGE MUCH? Castle could have totally slipped it into sal's shirt

Martha should totally have just kicked everyone's ass & the hostages could have gotten themselves out on the fury of a mother There is a second T in twenTy kate That chuckle was very nathan fillion bc that's where the money is lmao Castle why are you revealing your hand? Just like tf2 for real just like rvb for real Castle has escaped duck tape before. Zip ties are easy to get out of

RC: Mother, I find I'm no longer satisfied with the customer service at this establishment. I think we should take our business elsewhere. Me: Is that code? RC: no just trying to be funny ig

Ron Brandt. Good thing I didn't switch names Were those guys wearing black before? & now they are covered in dust? or were they always wearing that greyish colour?

PUT AWAY THE GUN BEFORE YOU UNTIE THEM BESTIE mr: *shaking her hands with a grin*

They would NOT have messed up Captain Peterson probably is surprised with how good castle is, he's like "wow this guy really does know his stuff" Whose body parts?

Oh no are castle's banker & mother going to sleep together?

I like how beckett has a touchphone & ryan has a flip or smth

See? Castle wasn't supposed to calm him down Holy crap bad bruising I sometimes hate being a christian (what with being who I am) but right now I love it.

That Guy: Honey, I'm home. what a line Girl u should have kicked his balls while he was outside the door TG: Oh, no. Hon, you bumped your head. Ha what a typical abuser line. Disgusting.

*kept the cop's face in shadow*

JE: Come on, let's go pick them up. KR: Ithaca??? Why is espt just going on this huge road trip with ryan? RC: Even as a hostage, I help you solve murders. Beckett, I think…I think you have the perfect partner.

Poor alexis. Poor Ash. Long distance sucks.

In my binge watch I should have counted these. 8th time becks saved castle, castle has saved her 9.

The vodun episode with the purses & champagne, I remember that. The nikki heat murders were not a save, she lived you just gave her your coat RC: Won't be forgetting that anytime soon.

[humdelhi]

“I had been reading about coronavirus since January, way before it was declared to be a pandemic. There was something unnerving, bizarre and mysterious about this virus. When the first case hit our neighbourhood, it shook me. Like millions of other parents around the world right now, I was scared. I wondered what would happen if a mother, her child, or both were to test positive and go into quarantine? ⁠ ⁠ And then, a few weeks back, it hit our home. When a few of my family members started to develop symptoms of COVID-19, my husband and I got ourselves tested. My husband tested negative; and while I was absolutely healthy and normal, I tested positive ‒ a case of asymptomatic COVID-19. The news was devastating for me, but I had no time to panic or whine, only to prepare myself, since I have a year old baby. ⁠ ⁠ We immediately contacted our physician. On learning that I was breastfeeding, he asked me to discontinue the practice. I was shattered. Enforced weaning is every breastfeeding mother's nightmare, and I broke down into tears. After sometime, I remembered that I had read online in an article that there was no evidence of transmission of the virus from the mother to the baby through breast milk. In fact, on the contrary, a mother's milk essentially provides the baby with the antibodies s/he needs to build their immunity. I consulted our paediatrician, who supported my decision to continue breastfeeding, but told me to ensure utmost hygiene. My physician too gave me a green signal after consulting his fellow doctors. We were also instructed to isolate him from other members of the family, and to handle him ourselves.

As parents, we wanted to leave no stone unturned in adhering to the doctor’s instructions to ensure our baby’s safety, so we shifted to a temporary location for the period of our home quarantine. We checked our health parameters every day, wore masks all the time ‒ even at night since our baby co-sleeps with us, and thoroughly sanitised the house twice a day. I kept a sanitiser handy on me all the time, and used it each time before touching the baby. We also avoided touching each other’s belongings ‒ even things like phones and water bottles to prevent the infection from spreading. My husband took care of the baby most of the time ‒ feeding him, cleaning after him and so on. We religiously took our health supplements along with healthy food and home-made ‘kadha'. Every night, I prayed for my baby’s safety, and each morning, I would thank god that he hadn’t developed any symptom.

Finally, after two weeks, all of us tested negative. It was the first time that something negative made us take a sigh of relief! A family that had always lived together under one roof had suddenly been scattered for two weeks and we were glad to go back to our normal routine. It had been a tough time for all of us, including my little one who couldn’t say much but could sense the confusion around him with masked parents, an unfamiliar location and a lack of other family members, especially his 'bhai'. But I’m thankful that we emerged from it healthy, happy and still breastfeeding.”

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

5 Jan u ary 2023 Thursday jueves 6:27 am pdt part 2

6:28 am pdt

my youngest sister when 1 or 2 years old runs into glass shelf corner of display tower? In clothing store 🏬 (I’m almost 2.5 years older)

Her oldest son around same age (1 or 2 years old) was holding onto dog 🐕 and dog stopped 🛑 abruptly and he ran/stumbled into the probably brick 🧱 wall (under a window 🪟?) was New York.

Her 2nd child 👶 also a boy, now more than a year old, born during COVID, recently dropped cell phone 📱 on floor, with my face on face time and stomped on the cellphone 📱. The Then away from the cell phone I think 🤔 he started crying 😭 I asked what happened, and my sister said he smacked his face/head into the floor. Seemed hard and rough to me. Demonic possession and generational curses.

I had a crush 😻 on a boy when I was in kindergarten and bcz I didn’t know what to say I pushed him when we were on the soft grassy field. Might have gotten the wrong idea from the devil 👿, maybe through him and bongo the bear cartoon movie 🎥 say love 💕 with a slap 👋. He didn’t cry or seem hurt but he said he was going to tell on me.

3rd grade year? After 9th birthday party 🥳, I say something I didn’t plan to to my crush 😻 and I’m too surprised at what I say. Didn’t seem to come from me - the devil 👿 possessed my mouth 👄/voice. 6:48 am pdt. He gets mad at me and pushed me when I was on Barbie roller skates 🛼. I landed 🛬 on my wrist and it broke went to doctor 👨‍⚕️ and got a cast on it.

When I’m around 11/12 years old mom’s first car got hit and the car spun. I got whiplash and my mom got a goose egg 🥚 bump on her head. Also around 11/12/13? (Years old, 7:04 pm pdt 6 January, thought 💭 I remembered wearing a skiort and maybe white t-shirt I got middle school years w/ embroidery? Scallops detail on u-neckline (7:07 pm pdt #3 😖)) Tried to learn how to ride bicycle 🚴🏼 without training wheels and I flew over the 🚴🏼 bike’s handle bars and land like an airplane ✈️ on the sidewalk? On my shoulders. I almost hit my head first but I pulled up my head enough to not.

got mad 😡 at youngest sister when should not have for doll’s neck breaking and raised thin cardboard Barbie doll box 📦 to hit her on top of the head. She started crying 😭 before the box touched her head. I t was soon after separation of parents. Don’t recall any prior time of hitting her, especially the head. Was probably stilll 8 years old.

before 4th grade photos/picture day fell from tallest bar in school 🏫 playground across the street from shirleys house 🏠

6:58 am pdt I have a lot to recall and might need to edit. Tired 😓 😴 6:59 am pdt

8:06 pm pdt 8:07 pm pdt they’ve been burning my skull 💀. I believe they are trying to make my skull weak so they can easily crush my head. Incubus + company. 8:08 pm pdt

6 January 2023 Friday 2:06 pm pdt

my mom put her hand on my forehead and it was too hot! 🤬😱😭 incubus + company leave my mom alone! She’s my only person! Leave her alone! You don’t own us! You are fiends! Demonic! My mom work so hard and has been through a lot in her life! She could have married young and to a richer man but she didn’t whether she knew it or not (she said she didn’t know he was rich until after his shot gun marriage to his ex-gf) she went to school! She had a hard life you’ve done too much to her! LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!! You’re all the worse creatures in the UNIVERSE!!!! You already put her through brain surgery!!!!! LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!! JERKS YOU ALL ARE!!!!! 2:15 pm pdt incubus is the cause of all illness/disease/ailments. 2:17 pm pdt

5:12 pm pdt several (s eve r al/ eve r y ...) minutes ago felt pain in skull behind left ear. Found a big dip forming. Found the black pen I’ve been using in the corner of blue Spanish dictionary and I opened it to the page. Bottom of page 137 where the pen was is the word “drilling.”

5:17 pm pdt incubus/demon lord and people similar to them who are probably in covenant with them, they probably DON’T feel and don’t think and don’t believe the same way and things that a lot of us have been brought up to believe. They form no attachments to anyone. They will easily double cross anyone and then spin it around and say you double crossed them, even though they with hold live from you in all sorts of ways, such as withholding direct communication, using triangulation through signs. If he wants to have s*x/be promiscuous with a lot of other women - and the law is in California as far as I know it’s a one-to-one deal on marriage and there are other more formal contracts in addition to that for adoption/surrogacy probably/artificial insemination, Et cetera - then why we would have any reason to believe that s*xual intercourse/kisses/embraces/caressing/painting a picture with my hands 🎶🎼🎵🎤🎸 would be promise of anything at all, including marriage vows bcz peopjane hermanle annull/divorce/break up. Incubus has demonstrated a kiss is only a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh 🎸🎵🎼🎶🎤 it doesn’t mean anything to him. He’s got his hands, tongue, lips 💋👄💄😋👅🖕✋🤚and 🍆p*nis in many women. Jane Herman (something in the song this love probably fingering) Rebecca ginos - 1st night they met, Anne V (Russian vogue magazine and heard something that another source said he talked about the contraception? Methods? (Don’t know - pulling out??) (stomach gurgled 😞😖), Candace Bailey in goodnight goodnight there was real tongue 👅 kissing 💋 in that! They rolled around under sheets almost naked and with the hints that they took off each other’s underwear 🩲 it looks it frankly that they aren’t trying to hide it! 5:39 pm pdt now she’s married to someone else??? It doesn’t matter to him. He will double cross if he wants to. 5:40 pm pdt no attachments. He is a whore with no love 💗 in his heart. 5:40 pm pdt. Don’t be fooled. 😞😖😭😤🥵😤🥵 it doesn’t matter how attractive you are they will ALWAYS cheat. 5:42 pm pdt.

They are animals who believe in their superiority even though there are twins 👯‍♂️ and doppelgängers. Sam Clemens/mark twin prince 🤴 and the pauper. Did life imitate art or art 🖼 imitate LIFE!? 5:43 pm pdt. They rely on trickery which involves complex ? Psychology???? They are not capable of real love friendship intimacy??? That’s why incubus comes to rape while sleeping 🛌 putting her in a trance like state??? Like a puppet!!😖😞😫😤🥵😤🥵😤😭 5:47 pm pdt

6:13 pm pdt

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6:15 pm pdt

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6:18 pm pdt probably a “joke” about incubus:

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6:19 pm pdt

6:20 pm pdt caption said: No face no case 🌚

6:21 pm pdt

7:01 pm pdt auto-lock is still stuck on 30 seconds. I getting tired 😴 a lot today or pre-vertigo state. 7:02 pm pdt

8:11 pm pdt it feels like they roasted my heart ♥️ I felt heat/burning inside behind the I’m between breast area and felt my heart ♥️ feel stressed and starting breathing out HOT air. My dad air brush painted hot air balloons 🎈 when I was a baby 🍼. And I think I wore onesies with hot 🥵 air balloon and another with an elephant 🐘 with trunk down. I think Jesus Christ was conned. Cat fished probably by his own dad. Sounds like a bad dad who didn’t want to pay 💰 child support and did not want to be around for him and made him sleep in mangers and endure probably hard labor and hardships and pain and suffering. “Reckless [?] abandonment” Elle woods legally blonde 👱‍♀️. What does reckless mean??? 8:20 pm pdt. Other kids get to grow up with slaves and harems and armies to do the dirty stuff for them but they’re also brain 🧠 washed like Uriah trying to be a loyal good soldier not “sleeping” with bathsheba his wife because of the rules he thought 💭 he should abide by. Then the king 🤴 he was loyal to plotted to kill him. Seemed like his only punishment was to lose the kid that was born during his adulery. No whipping? No death 💀 sentence on him? Special? In what way? Did bathsheba have a choice? Did she want this powerful misbehaving king 🤴 for herself? Or was she intimidated by his power? 8:26 pm pdt. Don’t trust incubus he already demonstrated he don’t care for me even though he played games trying to get on my soft side only to bite me back with abuse destruction of my body to make it absurdly ugly/unattractive and almost burned 🔥 me alive and then publicly intentionally have those words revealed and used in opposite situations than can be misinterpreted and seen under a different light 💡 than what it really is intended for (heart pain 😖) to make him look like a good guy when he’s not. More warm air exhaled. He mislead me to distract me from what he really meant, distracted me with social issues and past educational lectures and probably false intentions to someday have a more egalitarian society that respects women’s rights and other people not based on color Et cetera. That I became oblivious that he was addressing my current situation and state. Ever since I was a kid 👧 I had to learn to keep going as best I can even with pain and ailments? Such as having a period, maybe ibs, chronic eczema, Et cetera and had to try to ignore my pain. That I get caught up 🆙 in ideas 💡 that were given to me through school 🏫 and life experiences. But now I’m questioning everything! Insults, injury. He LIKES 👍 that stuff but hides it SO WELL. Don’t give them an inch!!!!!!!!!!!! 8:39 pm pdt. They’ll mess with your mind, memory, body, feelings. If they don’t want you to have something they make you forget about it, they control the thoughts 💭 that go into your head, they make you fall in love 😻 immediately even though you should wait it out to get to know someone. Feelings! Even if things seem like they are on your side only bcz of “words” look 👀 at the actions, rely on that if your body looks absurd to them and they made it that way and they roast you to the point of pain and feels like you’re heart cannot take it anymore and your dying, pay attention to that and take it to mean that they don’t like you, but they need you so they have free time to f*ck. 👌🖕🙌 8:46 pm pdt

I typed a lot of stuff but the post didn’t save the update. They roasted my head. When I was typing 💬 it. A lot of important stuff. I think they have sacrificial lamb 🐑 bcz of above and they want a “manageable” number of people to control. 11 pm

3:39 am pdt 7 Jan u ary 2023 Saturday

The boney 🦴 area between my breasts have become bumpy like I can feel the individual ribs. I don’t remember if it was like that last week. It’s been very hot for weeks in that spot. I think he’s reducing this spot so that it easily breaks. There was an article I read about Adam Levine having an accident with gym equipment? And he did something stupid with it that made it like a sling shot that hit him I think I’m that spot and it broke and he had to go to the emergency room 🚨. He said that they fixed it, probably put a clip on it to hold it together? The rib cage meeting in the center? He said it was like a harbinger. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what that means. 😰 but I fear for my life. Incubus is doing everything at once to me to keep me guessing how he’s going to kill me. Hospitals 🏥 won’t help me with anything. They all hurt me. It’s best not to talk about it bcz I don’t know if talking about it enables them to take the memory away? Or if you’ve already been talking a lot all your life that it doesn’t matter? But when I review things it seems that they have controlled me all my life anyway. They controlled my nephew very well making him drop my sister’s cell phone on the ground and stomp on it when my face was on FaceTime and then they made him fall on his face and probably hurt his forehead a lot because he’s only started learning to talk. Born during COVID. I think 🤔 his first birthday 🎂 passed. 3:50 am pdt yeah life sucks. 3:51 am pdt

3:53 am pdt i was trying to type “in that spot” NOT “I’m that spot” I don’t know if that hand tattoo is near that spot or a different tattoo, but I really don’t believe that the incubus loves 💕 me. Gypsy hand ✋ was it? Gyping Eve. I’m a sacrificial lamb 🐑, my moms name has “Abel “ in it and I’m born in the sun 🌞 sign 🪧 Aries ♈️. My dads first name looks almost like Jewish for “son of.” 3:57 am pdt It’s meant to be that I have a rough life and be sacrificed. God is a con artist 👩🏽‍🎨. 3:58 am pdt he likes Caesar more. 3:59 am pdt

6:49 pm pdt I’m starting to wonder 💭 if a lot of pictures I saw 👀 since 2017 are photoshopped. And theater (between breasts is hot 🥵 again 😖😖 heart ♥️ pain and diarrhea 😖pain) that other people don’t see the pictures I originally saw online up until this month. It didn’t occur to me until now that all those pictures were photoshopped in that way. I believe it was made to mislead me into thinking 🤔 behati and Adam’s marriage was a lie. It was an on/off thing for me to see the pictures, juggling 🤹‍♀️ one idea 💡 to the other of what was going on with them. They kept me guessing the whole time and why I didn’t realize until now that that was a lie, too 😞. Nothing else makes sense now. I think they have been toying 🧸 with my memory too to make this possible. She really looks like she is into him. She looks like she likes touching him and they are all over each.

incubus mislead me intentionally with signs. I believe I have to believe an old tweet 🐣 of his that everything that is from him is bullsh*t x3. I cannot believe he would stoop so low to tell me we are married with children 👶 (7:22 pm pdt BUT it look 👀 now as if he meant it as a joke.. a joke that I am his real wife.. bcz my body IS absurd NOW bcz of them... & They have been boiling 🥵 me for years now.. it is unreal how HOT 🥵 they’ve made me that I smell 👃 like cooked meat 🥩 teriyaki crosses my mind bcz yaki =cook. Yak =ox. Ki=tree/sounds like key 🔑 🚗. Teri = tearing up 🆙 my heart ❤️ when I’m with you but when we are apart.. 7:27 pm pdt) When it’s signs 🪧 but not actual explanations he leaves 🍃 a lot of wiggle room for misinterpretation and he knows this and uses it to his advantage to lie. And then he spins it around to blame us when we misinterpreted what he meant - which actually ironically is what he wants us to (head pain 😖) believe but we don’t realize at the time bcz (7:32 pm pdt: that) the signs 🪧 can simultaneously mean something else Bcz they are signs 🪧 (symbols). 7:05 pm pdt I never 👎 told anyone that I had their children 👶 /never told anyone I was pregnant 🤰 with their children 👶 and I don’t believe I ever was pregnant 🤰, although there were 2 times in my life I skipped periods - once when I was 16 years old when I was a virgin and another time when I was still with my first real boyfriend when I was 20? (We broke up 2005, were together since ≈April/May 2004, lasted ≈1+ years, we had 2 summers together I recall I used to think in my mind but now I cannot remember how I remembered that there were 2 summers. We had one anniversary, & he was around for my sister’s graduation 👩‍🎓 in 2005. I had started a semester of fashion classes to see if it was what I wanted to do and he broke up with me after classes started.) And I was unhappy and thinking about breaking up with him but I didn’t know how I should approach him about it so I chickened out, but one day I let myself show him that I was upset 😭 the whole day and called him and left voicemails of myself crying and hanging up 🆙 and he took it as a cue that it was time to break up 🆙. God plans ahead. (Inside left ankle pain 😖) I think it is really unfair to lie to me like that - So I don’t think they can justify it saying it is “karma” to lie to me about it. 7:19 pm pdt 7:27 pm pdt ⬆️ 7:32 pm pdt why is it difficult to write ✍️ this correctly?? 😞 ⬆️)

7:37 pm pdt he was not a bad boyfriend, mostly he was kind. He said a few things here and there but I guess I forgive him. He fed me a lot. And at the beginning of our relationship I was given a very nice gently used futon couch 🛋 from my mom’s best friend and I gave it to him. I think 🤔 I don’t recall asking for money 💰 and I don’t recall him giving monEy 💰 for it. I don’t think I realized how much it was worth at the time. But he took me out a lot before that I think only to hang out as friends and gave me rides home 🏠. And he coincidentally was thinking of getting a new bed 🛌. 7:43 pm pdt and he took me out a lot after that. I didn’t realize until now that this was probably a deposit 💵 on our relationship (probably by god). ??? 7:45 pm pdt

8:24 pm pdt I think 🤔 I lost my virginity to my first real boyfriend when I was 19 years old. I think 🤔 I remember we always used a condom. He is kinda silly sometimes and sometimes he is serious 🧐. The s*x unfortunately was usually not satisfactory. I think 🤔 I can only recall it being satisfactory ONCE ☝️. He I think was an inch too short for me at the time. His previous girlfriend was probably a little shorter than me. I usually didn’t complain and would try again hoping next time it would do it for me. 8:30 pm pdt. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if he realized that usually I don’t climax but there was one ☝️ time I thought I was on the way to climaxing and then it stopped?? I forget what happEnd exactly but I remember saying to him alluding? To that I liked that one position and to try it again and he said something that I think 🤔 alluded? To him understanding that or maybe he can tell that I haven’t been climaxing and that one moment was different and closer to climaxing. For some reason I thought that somehow he figured it out. 8:36 pm pdt and he wanted to try it again, too. 8:37 pm pdt 8:39 pm pdt he did it again messed with the time it looks like it skipped or he did something to me 8 pain gum scratch via incubus 8:40 pm pdt I already begged him so I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ why he would put it more infront of my face. What good is trying aga??? They made fun of me when I begged this summer. 8:42 pm pdt I guess it’s going to be a rough end for me that it’s going to make me beg again 8:43 pm pdt

I have probably only Had 2 ☝️🖕satisfying s*x experiences... and I tried a lot with the first, and a lot with the 4th guy. And that’s including the experience mentioned above ⬆️. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ why I tried so many times thinking that it might be satisfying again... I know now they were both too short.. sorry 😓. 8:49 pm pdt. Sagittarius ♐️ incubus friend Was HUGE yet somehow there was no pleasure. Maybe 🤔 bcz I really didn’t want to, even my vag didn’t let him in with condom on and with expecting him to try. He got in when I was not expecting him to try bcz he asked if he can without the condom and I did not reply. Maybe he wadis it too fast? Maybe somehow my not wanting to somehow deactivated my pleasure sensors??? It was almost as though I were numb but I felt him moving in and out. 8:54 pm pdt. Big ≠ guarantee pleasure. In this case. 8:55 pm pdt it feels like he was only concerned with how he felt bcz of how fast he was going and i was cornered bcz he did Not respect my first “NO” type of answer. 9 Pm pdt and he didn’t respect me more for doing that without waiting for me to respond, and even further when I yelled out while he pumpEd in/out of me, “I don’t think we should be doing this!” 9:03 pm pdt

11:25 pm pdt to further clarify about the breakup with the first real boyfriend (my head is too hot 🥵) I was most likely upset that I couldn’t feel what I thought I needed to feel to make the relationship last long. I guess it was not meant to be. We were both half Asian half white, around the same age, (same high school) 🏫 same grade (didn’t hang out until college) , both lived with our mothers, and grew up with a sister. 11:32 pm pdt

11:33 pm pdt I feel very concerned that I’m only being treated as god’s piggy bank 🏦 for bone materials. 😥😤🥵😤🥵😳🥵😖😭 and have been put through a lot to keep me mostly single and at home most of the time, through: manipulating my feelings, thoughts 💭, (stomach gurgle 😖😭🐒💨 11:37 pm pdt), actions/voice, bodily functions, pain/trauma/injuries/diseases/illnesses, money 💰 situation, family, other people, Et cetera. I was shy 🙈 since probably forever: kindergarten I hung up my raincoat and hid behind it. Sometimes I would make a bad decision based on current emotions and beliefs. When my sister was born I was jealous and insecure 😞 (I m Aries ♈️ she’s ♌️ Leo ≈2.5 years apart in age. I got a 🪣 bucket put my favorite toys 🧸 in it, put on a 🧢 hat, frowned and showed them I was thinking of running away (illogically irrationally). I think we played nice for the most part: we played barbies and Nintendo most of the time together or watched tv 📺 or movies. In the car 🚗 we listened to music 🎶 and sometimes sung or played board games that were made for car trips. (11:48 pm pdt tummyaches 😖😭 diarrhea feeling. I don’t remember if I ate solids today. 11:49 pm pdt).

11:56 pm pdt incubus is the greatest source of cruelty. He has the resources to deceive effectively. I ddon’t trust him. He gives me too much diarrhea for no good reason. I think I’m becoming weaker. He seems to have this goal 🥅. He has all sorts of stories on the internet but I’m afraid it’s probably all lies/a cover up 🆙. The Jesus Christ story to calm the nerves of those he abused - designated sacrificial lambs /rams 🐑 . 12:02 am pdt I just don’t believe he had motivations to save anybody he has hurt. Like a rapist trying to hide his crimes with murder. 12:04 am pdt

12:20 am put I’m afraid that at the center of every man 👨 no matter what is greed and viscous ness and cruelty.

visciousness 12:22 am pdt

O

especially in Adam Noah Levine bcz he’s not afraid of doing cruel things to me all the while misleading me.. 12:25 am pdt. Even though my name translates to shavah/ I was trying to type chavah ... using Greek letters for the v-> nu, it is also might be the secret name of Jesus Christ which is a manipulative controlled to take advantage of people who are willing to work harder with more disadvantages. He hurts my heart and my whole body and makes me anxious with everything he does to

me and makes my family Do to me

12:32 am pdt only his own amusement matters to him 12:33 am pdt

I will forever be afraid 😱 of that man 12:34 am pdt

1:15 am pdt men have no problem killing off life, they do it everyday. 1:16 1:17 am pdt sacrifice and pleasure go hand in hand 🤚 for them. $-‘d <-what’s that????? hand 🤚 🍆💦☃️ 1:19 am pdt. is it sane for a woman to want a monogamous relationship with such creatures?? I’m starting to think NOT. 1:21 am pdt don’t know what’s right or necessary or true. 1:22 am pdt I’m so lost now. Is jealousy an illusion and if not what purpose does it serve???? To show you care? Is it natures way of keeeping us in relationships? Is it something only a woman feels if men easily detach and find more women to have s*x with? If he does is he worth keeping??? When does the relationship exist?? Is there nothing special about being human??? If a man chooses to leave fine let him. Know that he will never be anything to you other than a special donor. 1:29 am pdt sweet nothings, we should know by now that it means No commitment. 1:30 am pdt and that’s all we will ever get. And I don’t want it anymore Bcz he scares me. And he kills me. There are parts I thought I had bones 🦴 and I don’t think I have bones there anymore. ☃️😭😭😭😭 1:33 am pdt

1/36 am pdt look at the size of his head compared to behati . That’s a lot of brains 🧠 to think of any weird scheme to get his way which is filled with greed. Viciousness. 1:37 am pdt

[hitmewithabusposts]

Johnny x wife!reader; she is in an interview about herself but gushes about her husband going grey

I love me some silver foxville 😩

Best thing that’s ever happened

I sat in the chair for another interview that would be live on the news about the new Jackass film and my experiences filming. I only joined the cast the first movie after PJ had seen me when they were filming for the show still and I was one of the only female bull riders at the ranch they’d film at.

So when they wanted to add a girl to the cast for the movie, they knew who to call, and if you ask PJ he’d tell you he knew I was “the one” the first time he saw my ass get thrown off a bull. Since then, I’ve done stunts with the boys, and lots of stunts with the bulls and Knox. As for him and I, we got together at the end of production of the first movie, and were married within a year.

The interviewer came in and sat down with a list of questions to ask me, and greeted me shaking my hand. “Hey, y/n Knoxville, or is it clapp?” She asked, making me chuckle a little.

“Well, legally it’s Clapp, but you know Knox insisted I take his stage last name too when we tied the knot. So either works for me” I replied smiling, and looking at the bands stacked on my left ring finger.

“So, let’s try to stay positive, tell us what was the best thing that came out of having to film during covid, what was it like?”

“Well, we started test runs before lockdown, but weren’t able to film for a while, and I’d say that’s where the best thing happened, I’m sure everyone noticed Knox’s new look this movie.” I said fondly, thinking of my husband and blushing.

“You’re saying him not dying his hair is the best thing?” She asked laughing but I just nodded and replied, “oh definitely, he was so handsome before, and I may be biased, but I’ve never seen someone age so well”

“I think a lot of the fans would agree with that, and how all of you guys look great, especially since it’s been over 10 years since the last film was released” she said, as a clip from Jackass 3D played behind us.

“Oh definitely, Steveo especially has been getting a ton of praise from fans, we’re all just so proud of him. And like I said, Knox’s hair was a big change that you notice in the movie. He started the movie with black hair and ended it being silver” I said laughing.

“Are we gonna see any big stunts from you this movie?”

“I think so, I think all of us older cast members really went hard with this because we don’t know what the future holds for us or for Jackass, and I love doing stunts and pranks with Johnny, so him and I especially made the most of it I think. I just love him so much” I said, still blushing thinking of him.

“I love seeing how much you admire him, and I think it’s clear how much he admires you, thank you for coming in today and we can’t wait to see the movie. Everyone make sure you hit the theaters this Friday to see Jackass Forever” she said, as the cameras stopped rolling.

I gathered my stuff and looked at my phone to see a text from PJ that said:

“Hell, if I would have known you liked my gray hair that much I would have stopped dying it years ago ;)”

[bts-weverse-trans]

210104 Weverse Magazine ‘Be’ Comeback Interview - Suga

SUGA “I'm grateful that there are still unvisited areas in the world of music” BTS BE comeback interview 2021.01.04

SUGA has this way of talking passionately with a deadpan look on his face. Full of passion about his life and music.

How is your shoulder? SUGA: Good. I think it’ll get even better once I take off this brace. Apparently, it takes several months for a full recovery, but I'm trying to get better as fast as possible.

How does it feel like to have resolved a problem that has distressed you for long? SUGA: First of all, I'm glad. The pain is one thing, but when my shoulders got worse, I couldn't even raise my arms. But when I heard that this might recur when getting the surgery at a young age, I waited for the right time and had decided to get it done early next year regardless of the COVID-19 situation. I had planned to get the surgery after the year-end stages, but I got it done this year (2020) because my doctors advised me to start preparing early for next year’s promotions and activities.

How does it feel like watching the other members doing promotions? SUGA: I can't say it feels great. I could see the emptiness because we've been together as a group of seven for so long. Not necessarily because I'm not there but because something that should be there is missing?

Is that what made you join the promotion as much as possible? You shot lots of video footage in advance and you even appeared in the Mnet “2020 MAMA” through VR. SUGA: Fake SUGA (Laughs). There’s this 3D studio where we shot it. I shot, scanned, and acted there, but couldn't see the actual result at the studio. I thought a sense of displacement was unavoidable, and that was exactly the case. (Laughs) I acted normal because it would have been aired anyway even if I hadn’t had the surgery, but it seems a lot because it’s aired after the surgery.

You must feel restricted not being able to go on stage. SUGA: The thing is, it's only been a month after I got surgery, but my absence on stage is so apparent. But my doctors keep telling me that I shouldn't be impatient and in fact, many athletes get a resurgery when they return to the field without proper rehabilitation. So I'm working on trying to care less. For the first two weeks after surgery, I felt so frustrated that I tried out new things. I even watched movies I didn't watch.

What movies did you watch? SUGA: I watched ‘Samjin Company English Class’ as it happened to be on IPTV, and now I have ‘Tenet’ on my list. ‘Parasite’ was the last movie I saw at a cinema. As the social distancing measures became stricter, I haven’t been going outside, except going to the hospital. I even eat at home. I'm also watching a lot of TV nowadays. Watching music shows like ‘Sing Again’, ‘Folk Us’, and ‘Show Me The Money 9’ made me think of what I should do in the upcoming days.

Could you elaborate on that? SUGA: A lot of candidates on ‘Sing Again’ are very talented but hadn't had the opportunity, and on ‘Folk Us’, I noticed that many took their own guitars on stage. I started playing the guitar lately and I'm having this urge to broaden my scope of music. And since my interest in the music industry in the U.S. grew, I'm getting prepared, studying English and all.

What fueled your interest? SUGA: In some ways it’s the most commercially developed market. You could lose the industry attention in a flash if it's not feasible. So in this system, you would try everything and that would be an efficient way. I want to do music for a long time, and to this end, I always want to learn more about the global music industry because I want to do music that’s loved not only in Korea, but also in the U.S., Japan and Europe.

Speaking of which, it seems BE was influenced from music of the past rather than today's trends. SUGA: I especially like impromptu music. I love the songs that were made in one take instead of being recorded several times. In this era of crossover genres, the desire to do better in music is growing inside me.

As the genres become more blended, the melody you use must be more important. Does starting to play the guitar affect your composing in any way? SUGA: I always liked using guitar sounds. And I have always liked the Eagles. If you play the guitar, it’s way easier to write songs because you can carry it along wherever you go, pluck on the strings to create melody lines. Keyboards are difficult to carry around. (Laughs) I usually work on my laptop but I had this thought that I definitely needed an instrument. It accelerates my work and improves my understanding of chords.

It makes me think you could intuitively make melodies. SUGA: It’s easier to write a song because you can intuitively make a progression and try many different things. During my work on ‘Eight’, IU had recorded and sent me a song from her phone. At the time I couldn’t play the guitar, so we tried to make sure we’re working on the same page when keeping track of each other's progress. That made me feel the need to learn an instrument.

This is actually before you started playing the guitar, but I found ‘Telepathy’ in BE very interesting. The varying melodic progressions between hooks for each member made me wonder if you wrote the melody intuitively for each part. SUGA: I tried writing a melody for the first time this year (2020), and as I started knowing the fun of music, it opened a lot of new doors for me. So it was kind of easy working on it. I just played a beat and wrote from the beginning until the end. Done. I wrote it in just 30 minutes. The song almost wrote itself. The trends of pop and hip-hop these days cross boundaries between vocals and rap. I like this trend.

When I listen to your singing, it feels like you’re hitting the beats rather than singing along the notes. So I thought perhaps you're singing as if you're rapping. SUGA: When you're rapping, you just think of the rhythm, so it’s like simply putting on a melody to a rhythm. To define which comes first, I think melody adds to it while writing the rap.

In ‘Life Goes On’, the lyrics ‘Thankfully between you and me, nothing’s changed’ are somewhere in between. It's not rap but it’d be mundane to say it's a mere melody. SUGA: There are obviously songs where the rap needs to be highlighted. For example, in ‘Dis-ease’ or ‘Ugh!’, you have to be good at rap. But in songs that should be easy to listen to, impressive raps are not always the way to go. Sometimes, you want smooth transitions without obstacles.

In that sense, the rap flow of ‘Blue & Grey’ was impressive. Rather than a dramatic effect that emphasizes each part, you extended the rap just as much as the slowing beat. SUGA: To be honest, this beat is difficult to rap to. The beginning of the song only has a guitar line, which made it even more difficult. I participated when we wrote lyrics for ‘Blue & Grey’ and I've always wanted to work on a song like this. It was because verse 1 talks about the theme of the song.

It seems you achieved almost everything that you wanted in BE. SUGA: I think it took less than a week to make my part in the album. After having written one or two melodies for ‘Life Goes On’, I wrote a version complete with rap, and liked it that I even worked on a separate arrangement and lyrics. Rather than pondering over the ways that might work, I choose to simply play the music and write.

Many creators are unsure even after they’ve produced good work. How do you get the conviction to release your work? SUGA: Many musicians are unsure whether they should release their music or not. It was the same for me, but the thing is, you’ll never release anything if you nitpick everything. For example, if we release 10 songs, we have a chance to unveil them in concerts or fan events. And sometimes, as we listen to the song, we think, ‘Why does this part that had bothered me no longer bother me?’ Some things might feel awkward at some point, but in time, it no longer feels awkward. Even I forget about it. So it's more efficient to fine tune, looking at the big picture, rather than thinking too much about the details. On top of that, during promotions, I don’t have the time to pick tracks that others have sent for 10 hours. It would be a success for all of us if each of us play and write a melody in their own time and collaborate with others on the details. So the way of songwriting has evolved in many aspects.

What motivated such evolution? SUGA: I think it evolved naturally. I've changed in personality this year (2020), as well as in terms of my interpretation and attitude toward life to the extent that I almost thought I've been rehearsing. How would it feel like if there were no stage to go to or anyone looking out for me? This thought made me realize the value of these things.

In ‘Dis-ease’, you sing ‘I don’t know if it’s the world that's sick’. Was it this lifestyle that changed your thoughts about your work? SUGA: Yes. When I was young, I had embraced the belief that ‘It must be my fault’, but as I got older, I realized that this is not always true. Most of what I had thought was my fault was in fact, not my fault. On the other hand, there are things that I did well and times I had been lucky.

‘I NEED U’ came out during a time when you were still thinking, “It must be me”. After the members put on a stage with ‘I NEED U’ in KBS' ‘Song Festival’, you wrote on Weverse, “It’s the same as five years ago.” How would you compare with back then? (This interview was held on December 19, 2020.) SUGA: We've matured quite a bit. And our stage performances have become more natural. I still like ‘I NEED U’. Just listening to the beat makes me sentimental, and above all, the song came out nicely. So as I was watching this and that when I stumbled across old videos. Watching them made me think that we haven’t changed much.

In what aspect haven't you changed much? SUGA: Before the social distancing measures got stricter, I talked with the photographer for BE, whom I had met four years ago. The photographer was surprised that we hadn’t changed much after all the success, even though he had assumed we’d be very different.

I'm amazed personally. I’ve had the chance to meet the members before your debut, but from your way of talking with members or others, it seems you haven't changed. SUGA: I think it's because we don’t give it a big deal about success. For example, it's incredible to be ranked first on the Billboards, but there’s also this sense of, “Okay, and?”

Even the Grammys? (Laughs) SUGA: When we got nominated for the Grammy Awards, we thought, ‘Is this real?’ (Laughs) Of course we were delighted, but it didn’t make us think, ‘We're singers nominated for the Grammy.’ If you're nominated, you're nominated, and if you get the award, you get the award. You don't get shaken by that. I know it's a great award and would be so grateful if we receive it, but we know that nothing is possible without the tremendous support of our fans. What’s more important is that the fans are more flattered than us when we receive a great award. So everyone's rejoicing, but it’s like, ‘Let's do what we have to do.’ We've been training ourselves to keep finding our places, so no one remains overexcited.

In ‘Fly To My Room’, there are lyrics that say, ‘This room is too small to contain my dream’, and ‘Sometimes this room becomes an emotional trash can, but it embraces me.’ I had this feeling that the room had been such a place and that you were accepting that you have changed. Then the essence must have remained the same. SUGA: It wasn’t easy to accept that we eventually change. But I think it's a good thing that we changed. What we did back then was possible only at that time, and we could change because of the things we had accomplished.

Then, what new things are you dreaming about? SUGA: I'm eager to continue doing music. Since all performances were canceled due to COVID-19, I had a chance to talk to so many musicians in Korea. I talked with legendary singers as well as people who are my contemporaries. Talking with them once again made me realize that I love music so much. Because music is my profession, I can’t imagine myself not doing it. I'm grateful that there are still unvisited areas in the world of music.

What kind of music do you think you’ll be engaged in in the future? SUGA: I was greatly motivated when I saw the concert of Na Hoon-a last Chuseok . I wondered how many musicians would actually be able perform and write music for so long like he has. At that moment, it occurred to be that ‘I want to be like him’. He has passion and desire, and most of all, he is a superstar. A few years ago, I took my parents to a Na Hoon-a concert, and when they watched the performance last Chuseok, they said it was way less impressive to see him perform through the TV. (Laughs)

That must explain your interest in a broader spectrum of music from instruments to composing and musical genres. Because you want to be doing this for a long time. SUGA: My goal is to continue doing music in any shape or form. In that sense, I have this great respect toward Cho Yong-pil. He takes the best sound there is and reinterprets it into his own. I think that’s something I want to emulate and keep changing and evolving so that I can continue doing music for decades to come.

The lyrics ‘Thankfully between you and me nothing’s changed’ must sound more meaningful for the fans because they will be listening to your music for a long time. SUGA: A month and a half in the current times must seem like a lifetime for the fans when we're far apart. I feel the same. But I think that's proof that we worked hard for the past seven years and that the fans have been passionately reaching out to us. I'm striving to get to them as fast as I can, and I'm eager to go on stage. I'm going through this because I want to be better on stage in a better condition, so don't be sad, and please hang in there a little longer.

Trans © Weverse

[j-j-ehlby-writes]

Dodger Knows Best

Pairing: Chris Evans x Wife!Reader

Word Count: ~1k

Summary: Dodger’s been acting strange since quarantine started. Does he know something that we don’t?

Warning: Fluff, of course

A/N: Inspired by Chris’s reading of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” at the beginning of COVID. Only took me a year to write 🙄

My Masterlist

I couldn’t stop giggling as I hear my husband reading aloud in the other room. I try my best not to make too much noise though, I don’t want to ruin the video. When he was asked to read a children’s book during this trying time we’re currently in, he couldn’t have said yes fast enough. Being the big kid he is, I know how excited he was to do it. 

Every day he finds new ways to give back to those who have lost their jobs and those who are missing school. He knows how important education is, especially right now. So he made it his goal to do at least one thing to help people per day during this quarantine.

Oh, what a wonderful world we live in right now...

This time spent at home has been much needed, but equally frustrating. I haven’t felt well for a few months now, prior to this pandemic. Getting to stay home, sleep in, not put on a bra or real clothes, cuddling my husband and our boy Dodger has been comforting. It’s frustrating that I’ve been stuck in the house, not able to leave for almost two weeks. The small amount of freedom that I get from walking Dodger is going to be taken away sooner rather than later in order to try and stop this pandemic.

Chris has enjoyed being home as much as I’ve loved having him home. However, I know he wants to get back to work. There are some projects he’s been most anxious to work on that are now on hold.

He’s been super protective of me since he’s been home. He’s insisted on doing anything that has to do with possibly interacting with another human being- getting groceries, take-out, other necessities. Dodger also hasn’t left my side since I’ve been home. Chris was insulted at first, claiming I stole his buddy. I just figured he was happy I was home.

“And chances are if he gets some apple juice, he’ll want a donut to go with it.”

I giggle again, unable to contain it. I hear the amusement in his tone as he concludes his video. I finish making lunch and join him in the living room, Dodger following at my feet. “How was it?”

“A little weird reading to my phone, but,” he smiles up at me, “I enjoyed it.”

“Are you going to read to our kids someday?” I set down his plate before sitting next to him.

“Abso-freaking-lutely! I can’t wait.” An even bigger smile took over his entire face as the thought crosses his mind. We’ve talked about having kids since before we got married. He loves being around his niece and nephews and it shows just how much he yearns for a family of his own. When we officially became a family of two plus Dodger, we immediately started trying. We’ve had some close calls, but all false alarms.

Until yesterday morning.

“How were those top secret errands you just had to do alone this morning?” He asks after taking a bite of his sandwich.

“That reminds me!” I get back up and head to the bedroom, where I hid a present in my side of the closet. I pull the plastic bag out from behind some of my maxi dresses, taking the contents out before bending down to Dodger. 

I struggle to put him in the small t-shirt I bought him. He’s a wiggle worm and wouldn’t stop trying to lick my face. Once it’s secure, I take my phone out, open the camera app and snap a few pictures before switching to video mode. 

After hitting the red record button, I stand up again. “Alright Dodger, let’s go get Daddy!” As I start walking, he’s just barely ahead of me. We head back into the living room.

He immediately cracks up when he sees Dodger with his new shirt. He asks how I even managed to get it on him, giving him some love and multiple kisses on his muzzle. I command for Dodger to sit, which he obeys. Chris kneels down to try and read what the shirt says. Dodger makes it hard since all he wants to do is lick Chris’s face. It takes a few tries before Dodger finally sits still enough for him to read it.

I wait with bated breath, biting my lips trying to hide the biggest smile. We’ve waited so long for this moment. I’ve imagined how I was going to tell him about a hundred times when it was finally confirmed and we were passed the safe mark.

He looks up at me with his mouth agape. “Are you serious?”

I peek from behind my phone and nod. “That’s what the errand was.”

“Wait, really?”

“I wanted to confirm it before telling you.” I hoped he wouldn’t be mad that I didn’t bring him to the first doctor’s appointment. With how many close calls we’ve had, I wanted to be doubly sure that it was happening before even getting remotely excited about the prospect.

“So, you’re sure?” He stands up and comes closer to me. “You’re pregnant?” The biggest smile I’ve ever seen on my husbands face takes over. I nod. “We’re having a baby?” I see the tears building in his eyes. He scoops me up in his arms. He spins around, exclaiming “We’re having a baby!”

“Now it all makes sense why Dodge hasn’t left my side.” Dogs have that kind of intuition. He must have sensed the change in me before even I knew what was happening.

“Of course he knew.” He rolls his eyes before turning his gaze down to the all-knowing pup. He sits there in his “Baby’s First Bodyguard” t-shirt, smiling up at us as if confirming that yes, he is the all-knowing. 

I guess Chris and I learned an important lesson: always listen to Dodger for he knows best.

~*~

Taglist: @the-marvel-wars​ @elusive-beauty​ @drakesfiance​ @im-a-slut-for-an-accent​ @fantasy-is-my-reality​ @princess-evans-addict​

[pterodactylterrace]

Grab Ass

Title: Grab Ass

Chapter: 1/1

Summary: Henry has one too many while out with the boys.

Rating: T

Warnings: Drunkenness

A/N: Quick little drabble inspired by something that happened between my husband and I the other day.

“I… they jus’… HIC! C-cut me off.” My husband’s deep slurred voice announced through the speakers of my cell phone. I had a feeling his night out to “watch Rugby at the pub with the lads” would end like this. Henry very rarely had nights like these where he could freely go out and enjoy himself, but when he did get a chance to cut loose… well let’s just say “halfway” wasn’t a word in his vocabulary.

“Would you like me to come get you?” I asked, already folding down the corner of the page I was on in my book.

“I love you.” I can almost picture his drunken hangdog expression through the phone.

“Be right there.”

Finding him in the pub wasn’t hard. He was the giant swaying lightly on his feet, head thrown back as he barked out a laugh at something one of his equally drunken companions had said. I could tell the moment he spotted me, his entire demeanor lighting up as a smile split his handsome face.

“Hello beu’ful!” He slurred, sauntering closer, resting his large palms on my hips.

“I can’t even be upset with you for getting this drunk.” I giggled, pushing a curl from his eyes, causing him to blink and stare at my hand for a second.

“That’s great.” He laughed, slinging his arms around my shoulders and pulling me to his chest, stumbling back a step when my weight hit him.

“It’s time to go home big guy.”

“Aww.” He pouted down at me. “Bu’ ‘s just startin’ t’ get fun!” He paused for a moment, and for a second, I was worried he may vomit on me, but I was actually relieved when he only hiccupped his way into a coughing fit.

“Hen, everyone is going to think you have COVID.” I chuckled.

“Noooo.” He dismissed with a snort, placing sloppy kisses on the top of my head, his hands roaming the expanse of my back. I couldn’t help the smile that crept over my face as an idea popped into my head.

“Henry?”

“Hmm?” He hummed, pulling back to look at me when my hand wrapped around his thick wrist.

“If you want this.” I started, placing his palm firmly on my ass. “Then we need to go home.”

“Mmmm… I wan’ it.” He admitted, a dopey grin crossing his face.

“Then come along, honey.” I encouraged, stepping back from him and turning toward the door, looking back at him over my shoulder and giving my hips a little wiggle. “That’s it.” I whispered to myself as I headed out of the pub, making sure to add a little extra sway to my step. “Just follow the waving butt cheeks, Henry.  There’s a good boy.”

“Wait.” He mumbled as he clumsily followed after me, both hands extended as he tried to reclaim his grasp on my ass. I felt his fingertips just barely graze the fabric of my leggings a few times as I walked us to the car, finally stopping and letting him claim his prize.

“God I love you.” He moaned, slinging his arms around me and pulling me back into his firm body, grinding his hips into my lower back.

“I love you too, Henry.” I replied softly, looking over my shoulder at him. “And I’ll show you just how much after we get home.”

Tags:  @weallhaveadestiny @lunedelorient @summersong69 @mis-lil-red @lharrietg @amberangel112 @mansaaay @packerfan43

If you didn’t want to be tagged, I apologize. I haven’t written in a while and this was my most recent tag list. 

[the-witches-you-couldnt-burn]

It started with a whisper

I originally wrote ‘Like I did with you’ as a one-shot but people wanted a sequel. This turned out to be waaaaay longer than expected (4.7k word count). Inspired by Everybody Talks by Neon Trees. I hope you lot enjoy!

Ao3

(Also this is Mari’s new outfit, all credits go to the original artist)

————

Two teens stood upon the balcony of a large banquet hall, exposed to the midsummer night air. The sky was a lilac blanket that hung over the Parisian buildings, speckled with glowing stars. The moon, with it’s crescent smile, beamed down of the young couple.

Hey, baby, won't you look my way?

Marinette’s eyes were closed as she rested her head upon his shoulder, relaxing after the night’s rapid escalation. Tonight she had arrived at the ball with the intent to be there for her friends, but somehow she found herself within the arms of Gotham’s (and probably Paris’) Ice Prince. She had overheard his nickname from the Gotham students, one of which being Jon, who was in the middle of mocking the young Wayne. She had never considered that nickname as suitable; sure he was temperamental & had a tendency to snap, but icey to the core? No.

I can be your new addiction

Damian was calm. For the first time in his life he felt like he could take a breath. His exhale was carried off by a small gust of wind, the bush over hanging the stone railing rustled. With his inhale, the scent of Marinette’s perfume became present once more. Mixed with the crisp night’s air, her usual scent of pastries was mixed with what could only be described as ambrosia. His phone vibrated within his pocket, it was never on volume due to the potential risk it caused during his heroic activities.

“Shit.” Notifications covered his screen, multiple tweets, Instagrams and Tiktoks in which he had been tagged in. But the alert came from his family’s private messaging chat. The whole thread was a shit storm, Grayson and Todd’s messages were completely capitalised (he learnt years ago this meant ‘to yell’ in writing form) and both had multiple ‘keyboard spasms’. Drake, like the thorough detective he is, had combed through the images and videos, investigating their validity. His honorary sisters had replied with ‘awwwww’(s) and ‘Omg we MUST meet this girl! I need to know how she tamed the demon!’. He could practically hear Brown’s shrill voice from across the ocean.

Hey, baby, what you gotta say?

No reply from his father or Alfred. The two of them were the only semblance of ‘normal’ paternal figures he had within his life, after the sham of a relationship he had previously held with his grandfather. Their silence unnerved him.

Marinette had noticed his attention had shifted to his phone, her own mobile was buzzing away within her baby pink purse. Messages, notifications of account tagging and comments galore. A sigh left her lips when she saw her parents seemed to be none the wiser. Good, she didn’t need to deal with future adoration for ‘The boy who swept our daughter off of her feet’ (or something along those lines).

Her cheeks regained some of the warmth they held before as she thought of her parent’s reaction. Scrolling through her Twitter she saw her friends had posted multiple images of the night’s events, majority being her shared dance.

Chloé Bourgeois @TheBestBourgeois

what kind of Disney shit is this? (Insert video of two teens dancing around an mostly empty dance floor.)

Alix Kubdel @Sk8trGirl

Replying to @TheBestBourgeois

I KNOW RIGHT?! THEY WERE FUCKING FLOATING!!!

All you're giving me is fiction

She was thankful that they hadn’t tagged her but she hadn’t been spared by others in attendance. Her post thread had blown up, thousands had commented and even more had viewed the evidence. There was no way she would come out of this unscathed.

“Has anyone been on Twitter today?” The blonde of the family asked as she walked into the dining room. Her eyes focused on her scrolling screen, brows furrowed in confusion. “Actually has anyone seen what’s happening on any of our socials?”

It was early in the afternoon and the family had recently returned home after a straining stakeout. The Joker had broken out of Arkham and the Batfam had to deal with his minions. Dick’s arm was in a sling (sprained from a grapple gone wrong), Jason was icing his hand, Alfred was stitching Bruce’s chest wounds while Tim and the girls escaped without severe injuries. All were still recuperating and finally able to recharge.

Alfred always enforced a strict ‘no devices at the dinner table’ rule; no matter how urgent it was, it could wait until after sustenance was consumed. Tim strongly opposed this, but there was no arguing with Agent A. This all surmises that probably no one had seen the crap storm on social media.

I'm a sorry sucker and this happens all the time

Bruce sighed, bringing his free arm up to rub his eyes. Tilting his head back to look at Steph, “Who was it this time?” Barbara quickly took out her phone to see what Stephanie was talking about, all the while glancing accusingly at Dick and Jason. Both of whom held up their arms (or in Dick’s case arm), declaring their innocence.

“It wasn’t fucking me!”

“Jason! Language!” Dick shot a glare at Jason and was met with one in return. “It wasn’t me either.”

“Then who-“ Bruce started before being cut off by his most rambunctious daughter.

I found out that everybody talks

Stephanie with a squeal, exclaimed that it was Damian. Visions of what the Wayne brat could have done flashed through the heads of everyone in the room. He had been sent overseas before the quarantines and lockdowns hit. During Damian’s first month in France he had been forced into online schooling and then finally when he got to go to in-person classes he hated it. Described the class as a kindergarten with petty and vindictive toddlers.

Had he broken someone’s arm? Was that person of such importance that it had spread over multiple social media platforms? France’s government had announced on June 15th, that teens were now being inoculated so him having COVID-19 was doubtful. Had he insulted the wrong person? Had he taken over the government? He certainly had the potential.

Everybody talks, everybody talks

What they saw stunned them, even Steph as she watched it for the 7th time. Damian Wayne was dancing. But not only that, he was dancing with a girl.

It started with a whisper

“What is this shit?”

No one verbally objected to Jason’s outburst but he was sent a harsh glare from Alfred, Dick and Bruce. Their focus soon returned to the images and videos before them. Babs’ and Steph’s phones were returned to them as the others ran to grab their own devices. They all met back at the table, comparing the posts and comparing their notes.

I can hear the chitchat

“There’s no way this can be real.”

“Jesus Tim,” Barbara rolls her eyes, “have you seen the amount of posts there are? You’d be an idiot to think otherwise.”

Take me to your love shack

“I’m with Tim, how do we know this isn’t some skit. I mean, Demon Spawn almost looks normal. That’s a matter of concern.” He almost dry heaved when he agreed with Tim. Damian couldn’t be capable of naturally exuding that amount of humanity unless there was something in it for him.

Mamas always gotta backtrack

“I was just saying Babs, that we should check the credibility of these images. For all we know they could be gorilla glued together and trying to get unstuck.” Tim cringed at his own reasoning, he really needed to either sleep (probably not going to happen anytime soon) or find his favourite coffee brand (which had been one of the first to vanish after the covid hoarders appeared).

When everybody talks back

Dick was too busy freaking out and spam messaging the youngest Wayne, to defend Damian’s humanity. The family saw this and followed suit, wanting to get information from the source.

Chat name: Alfred supremacy

BigBird: AHHHHHH DAMIAN!

BigBird: YOU LOOK SO CUTE!!!

BigBird: HAIFJDNDNFI

LittleWing: WTF HAPPENED DEMON SPAWN YOU LOOK ALMOST HUMAN

Babs: who knew the city of love would influence the brat

Blondie: they are so cuteeeeeee!

Blondie: We HAVE to meet her!

Silent-but-deadly: agreed.

Timbo: YO DEMON

Timbo: Apparently the videos are legit

Timbo: are you being blackmailed?

And it just devolved into more chaos from there, fueled by the fact that they saw Damian’s ‘Blood Son’ account appear online before vanishing once more. Dick shrieked, “I FOUND HER ACCOUNT!”

The family gathered around the eldest son, peering over his shoulder to view his iPhone 12max screen. They saw a young girl’s Instagram account. It was locked but they could see her profile pic, the girl had black hair and looked to be if Asian decent. They compared it to the videos but it was hard to see due to the hall’s lighting and the minimised facial features of the pfp. Alfred suggested that they search up her username and see who has tagged her, some might have other photos of her.

After research for awhile, the family began to get frustrated with lack of results.

Hey honey you could be my drug

You could be my new prescription

“Come on!” Jason complained, “What kind of teenage girl doesn’t post her life online?” He ignored the girls glares and went back to researching. How had the account by the name of ‘mariiiiinette’ to managed to prevent the entire Wayne clan from accessing it? Damn Instagram privacy settings. He groaned, dragging a hand down his face, “We are fucking stupid. Why don’t we just use the Bat-computer? It would be so much fucking easier.”

“It shouldn’t be used for civilian issues-“

Too much could be an overdose

“The girl could be a meta for all we know! We aren’t safe until we know who she is.” Jason points a finger at Tim, his paranoia flared up and even though he would never admit it, Jason would do anything to protect each member of his family (although Bruce is still debatable).

All this trash talk make me itching

Barbara and Tim took their usual positions as Oracle and Red Robin (who had been banned from patrol due to lack of sleep). The rest of the Batfam stood behind them either with arms crossed or still failing at researching.

Oh my my shit

“The account is owned by a girl called Marinette Dupian-Cheng. She is French-Chinese and her parents own a popular bakery. Also if it wasn’t already obvious, she goes to Collège Françoise Dupont, aka Damian’s French school.” Tim begun informing his nosy family, “But this account has been inactive for the past 6 months, which is strange due to her frequent posting schedule before hand. It seems she probably has a second account and this is her old one.”

Everybody talks, everybody talks

“Not only that,” Barbara interrupted. “There are unopened messages from other accounts that accuse her of being a bully. There is a whole Facebook page about this girl and how she has been hurting her old friends, but neither side seems reliable. The so called victims seem to be twisting the truth but there is barely any information about Marinette so we can’t disprove it either.”

“Read out some of the messages.” Bruce took a cup of coffee from Alfred and sipped it.

The main screen of the bat computer displayed a Facebook group with the banner picture being a photo of Marinette. “They are mostly complaints expected of teen girls when there is a girl they don’t like; ‘Marinette is such a know-it-all’, ‘She is constantly insulting Lila’s intelligence’. They go on to talk about how Marinette was briefly expelled from the Collège before being reinstated by the principle for a reason unknown to them.”

Everybody talks too much

“Her school reports up until this year were good. The newest one states, ‘While Marinette is a wonderful and bright student, I encourage her to settle her disagreements outside of class. This seems to only be a recent occurrence and I implore her to go to the guidance council if she is in need of help.’” A beat of silence echoes through the cave, Tim sighed. “Jason’s meta theory could be correct. She could have just recently started exhibiting her abilities and using them to get what she wants.”

“Bruce what do you want to do?”

“We’re going to Paris.”

She opened her eyes to the blaring morning light that streamed through the blinds. Her lashes still painted with mascara that refused to leave. She felt a pang of sorrow when she was removing her makeup and dress last night, she never wanted the night to end. She shuffled down the stairs to the kitchen, covering her mouth when she yawned. She greeted her mother as she entered the kitchen to get breakfast.

She glanced at her phone and there was the chaos that was started hours ago and it was still occurring. It was the weekend, she wouldn’t need to deal with her classmates until Monday. But she would still have to survive her parent’s interrogation. Out of the corner of her eye she caught her mother smirking at her.

Everybody talks

“Nadja told me some interesting news about last night.” Marinette held her breath, glaring at the toaster, willing it to hurry up so she could escape. “Well,” Sabine patted her shoulder before rubbing Mari’s back. “I know you didn’t want to go but I hope you had fun.”

With that she exited the kitchen, probably going to help her father in the bakery. The ravenette stared after her, eye widened in shock, jumping when the toaster went off. Buttering her toast she went over the conversation, her brows furrowed in confusion. She had expected a ‘When do I get to meet the oh so famous prince?’ or ‘Should I be expecting a new guest sometime in the near future?’ or at least a ‘Who was that young man, Bǎozàng (宝藏 it means treasure)?’ But she said nothing.

A small smile was plastered upon her face as she changed and went down to help her parents in the bakery. Her father didn’t say anything either, he gave her a knowing smile before continuing to kneed the dough. She sat at the the store front as the cashier whilst her parents were busy making ‘Paris’s Finest Pastries’.

Her musings slowly faded as she was brought back to reality by badly hushed whispers. Two young preteens were by the bread roll casing near the door. She had seen them come in before with their parents, the girls went to the prestigious international school over in the 16th arrondissement. The one with purple hair kept whispering to the brunette, both ‘subtly’ glancing towards her. Using her enhanced hearing she listened in on their conversation.

“That’s her, I swear that’s her in the video.”

The blonde’s face soured likes she sucked on a lemon. “No, it wasn’t good lighting there is no way he would dance with someone like her.”

Everybody talks

Marinette had tough skin but their words had an impact, only a small one due to her defence mechanism of repressing emotions. She stopped listening and went back to drawing in her sketchpad, she was in desperate need of a new school outfit.

The two girls eventually came up to the counter, goods in hand. Marinette rung up and bagged their items (paper because save the turtles sksksk) in a tired daze. A phone was shoved into her face, her eyes barely adjusted to view the screen before the blonde spoke.

“Is this your instagram?” She asked in a tone so snobbish that it should be illegal from a person her age. Marinette finally was able to view the screen that was barely an inch from her face. Her old Instagram ‘mariiiiinette’ was displayed on screen, she hesitantly nodded, gaze flicking back to the two in front of her.

The blonde’s nose scrunched up and the purple goth girl squealed in delight. They soon after left the store, their conversation had devolved into ‘See! I told you’ and ‘Yeah, yeah. You were right.’

Walking to school on Monday, she had finally come down from cloud nine. She still rode the tail end of her high as she rushed along her path to her campus, she wasn’t going to be late but she sure wasn’t going to be early. She had spent the better part of the weekend designing and sewing a brand new outfit. Her new look was composed of a black cropped singlet (L'amour gagne hemmed into it and it’s straps), paired matching peach plaid cropped overshirt and a-line miniskirt. Her hair was down, ballet flats were worn and her makeup was the usual with the added edition of a rose gold eyeshadow.

Even though her face was covered in a black and gold mask, she looked hot.

She reached the campus and the whispers started again, people were still buzzing from Friday night. Her classmates, the majority of her grade and the younger years seemed to gossiping before class about the formal’s events. She couldn’t spot any of her friends or the two Gotham transfers, so she was stuck listening the the chitchat. Why couldn’t she have been late like usual?

Damian had a fowl disposition and it showed in multiple icey glares (and that was before he even reached the collège). His family had made their appearance known in Paris at 1am Sunday morning. He could have used his dorm to escape but his family didn’t have the word ‘privacy’ within their vocabulary. He didn’t want to have to pay for a lock replacement due to his brothers’ (most likely Todd with Drake & Grayson laughing at him) lock picking habit.

The Ice Prince was back with full force. He had just been... influenced by all the other couples. Yes he did respect Dupain-Cheng and he appreciated her company & pleasant conversations. He would struggle to hide a small smile at the memory of the dance, even if he denied himself the happiness of normality, he felt content when reminiscing.

“Ooo the Ice Prince is here, did he have a fight with his princess or something?” The voice seemed to mock him.

“The Disney Magic is gone. The demon is back.”

Everybody talks

At the second jeer he shot a glare at the perpetrator. Jon held his hands up in an ‘I surrender manner’, laughing as he joined Damian at his side. The two entered the school’s large foyer and looked to see if any of the classes were open yet. Sadly they weren’t, before he was wrong and the his class was plain torture but this was truely hell.

He saw Dupain-Cheng sitting alone on the stairs, drawing within her sketchpad. He wondered how a girl like her, who always seemed to be involved in other’s lives (for the better) was ignoring all of the comments about her. She felt his focus centre on her, eyes flicking up to meet his, she provided him with a small wave before continuing to draw.

Jon nudged him with an elbow to his ribs and dragged him off to the side, into the boy’s locker rooms. Jon scowled at the door, “It’s a mad house out there. You’ve heard what some people are saying right?”

“Why would I care about these imbeciles?”

Jon jabbed Damian in the chest, causing the demon to stumble. Green eyes darted from blue eyes to the tan finger. “You care when lies hurt people you care about.”

The day began to rapidly decline once the two dance partners took their seats, next to each other. They had both been placed up the back of the class and them sitting together hadn’t been a problem until now apparently. She wasn’t even safe when the teacher started their lecture, whispers and glances were cast towards them. Once the two got to biology it was better, Ms Mendeleiev was a strict teacher and was able to control the class.

Everybody talks

But the recess came. When the bell rang she slowly started packing up her equipment, Alix and Max (who she shared biology with) waited for her; she watched as the Ice Prince left through the door. She knew she didn’t need to be concerned about her friends joining in with the gossiping, if anything they would dispel people and tell them to ‘Mind their own fucking business’ because this whole situations is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous.

She did receive some slight teasing from Alix about being a Disney princess, but Marinette quipped back about the skater’s fairytale story being ‘Pinknette, the Geek and the Beast’. The three met up with the other two of their group, they had just come from geography. Kim was complaining that Argentina was a state in America.

“That’s Arkansas you idiot!” Chloe shrieked, lightly hitting his arm with her white handbag. Max held his head in his hand as he approached, how had his tutoring sessions failed so badly?

Chloe turned to Marinette, a smile forming from her glare. The blonde examined the designer’s clothing, nodding. “You look like you are about to have a hot girl summer.”

Marinette’s face burned, the tips of her ears coated in red. Alix chuckled and nudged her shoulder.

Everybody talks

“Look at her, she is so desperate for his attention that she probably copied those designs.”

“Why do you think he danced with her anyways? Maybe she has something on him? I mean, she forces him to sit next to her in class, who knows what else she has done.”

What. The. Fuck.

Chloe glowered towards Lila’s posy. “We have a fucking seating plan, those cretins-“ She made a motion to storm over but was caught by the ravenette, looking back to Mari, her rage decreased from a boil to a simmer.

“No Chlo. It’s fine, it’s not worth it.”

Everybody talks... back

The group walked out to the school’s front steps, it was a mad house... a mad courtyard? Students sitting on the stairs, on the grass and standing around mingling, all of them now were staring at her. She held her backpack close to her chest (she had swapped her signature coin-bag purse for the pastel pink bag), pretending its a shield. Her friends circled around her becoming an obstacle to prevent their stares. If people were afraid of a scowling Kim then they don’t know the scorn of Chloe or Alix’s bite. And Max, sweet quiet Max.... you better hope he doesn’t have blackmail on you (he probably does), he can dismantle your life with a single anonymous post.

Rushed footsteps approached them. The group was broken apart by a rude Wayne boy, he swept Mari away from the school and the gossip crowds within. Her four friends shouted at him and he kept walking, shooting a glare at them in response. He kept pushing Marinette forward with a hand placed on the small of her back, her backpack was now swung over his other shoulder.

They ended up in her favourite alcove. She had brought him here with the other Gotham transfers for a native’s tour of Paris. It had always been her safe place to be creative.

It started with a whisper (everybody talks, everybody talks)

“My apologises for our rushed departure but you seemed to want to get out of their anyhow.” His gruff tone danced through the silence, his head still peaking around the corner; watching for any unwelcome guests.

“Thank you.” She whispered, her voice almost being carried off by the gentle wind. A genuine smile illustrated upon her face.

“We weren’t able to converse after the events of the other night. I would like to formally apologise once more for my actions causing this adverse reaction. If I had kn-“

“You don’t need to apologise!” She squeaked, hiding her eyes behind her fisted hand. Her shoulders curled inwards as she tried to make herself seem as small as possible, a side effect of her common use of her secondary miraculous form: Multimouse.

“I chose to dance with you, you don’t need to apologise for my own actions.” He stared at her with confusion. He had taken the blame so she wouldn’t need to do so herself; but she had taken it anyways. He had given her an out. Why does she always take the blame, even for things out of her control?

“But if I hadn’t danced with you then you wouldn’t have been the focus of the entire school.”

Marinette stepped forward, her eyes hardened and blazing. “Damian Friday night I went there out of obligation to my friends, I didn’t want to be there. But dancing with you? That was the highlight of my week, probably my month too. I enjoyed our time together.” Her face softened, lips twitched downwards ever so slightly. “I don’t regret anything about that night, but do you?”

He was bad at comfort. Everyone in his family avoided him when they were in need, he plainly didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t visibly upset but he sensed that she is disappointed that he apparently didn’t share the same opinion of the night. The only thing he regretted about that night was letting Jon call him a coward, but then again if he didn’t he never would have danced with Dupa- Marinette.

He picked up her clenched hand, the tension in her body alleviated at his embrace. He remembered how Grayson would apologise to Kor’i or how his father interacted with Ms Kyle. He brought their hands up and placed a kiss upon her knuckles.

And that was when I kissed her (everybody talks, everybody talks)

“I do not regret anything either—“ he cleared his throat, “In fact, I’d appreciate if we would be able to interact more, especially outside of that cesspit.”

Was he...?

It didn’t matter.

She smiled the same dazzling smile she gave him at the dance. She nodded while laughing, “I’d love that.”

Everybody talks

The two stay talking, hidden within their secret alcove for the rest of the day. She texted her parents to say she was with a friend and would be back later that night. Damian didn’t bother texting his family, Marinette knew he had to be back soon due to his dorm’s curfew.

The sun was setting at they walked back together, he did the gentlemanly thing and dropped her off at her bakery door. She could see her mother behind the register inconspicuously looking over at the two of them. Damian’s lips quirked upwards, she was satisfied with his kinda-smile.

He walked back, hands in pockets and a neutral expression upon his face instead of a scowl. He reached his door and took his keys, he found that it was already open. Damn.

His family was splayed out within his two roomed dorm. Todd and Drake were fighting over a place to sit on his bed, whilst his father sat at his desk, watching the commotion. The three of them turned to him as he enter the room, they were the only family members able to attend on short notice; Cain had a ballet audition, Gordon & Brown had concert tickets for tomorrow, Grayson had to take care of Mar’i while Kor’i was on Tamaran and Alfred stayed to ensure no one died during their night time activities.

“We need to talk Damian.” His father stood, leaning onto the desk chair. “The school called and said you had an unexcused absence for half the day. Where were you Damian?”

Damian stared into his father’s eyes. He was fifteen, almost an adult, but was treated like he was ten again.

“I was with a friend.”

“Probably the girl from the dance. Marinette, right?” Todd mocked him. Damian snapped his head in the direction of his bed, glaring at both his brothers.

“That’s what I want to talk about with you Damian. Now I don’t know her personally but from what we’ve discovered through our investigation we have some concerns. What’s happened Damian?”

The youngest Wayne’s glare shifted off of his brothers to the floor, and then finally to his father; his family sitting in wait for his answer. Straightening his posture, his shoulders clicked as he rolled then back. His statement’s tone was sure and steady, “Everybody talks father.”

Everybody talks... back

[charlie-minion]

Could the same SPN finale make a little more sense with some additions/changes?

I’ve had the idea for this post stuck in my head for days now, but with every new conspiracy theory and every new eventuality in the fandom, it became difficult to cool down enough to write something less ship-related and more narrative-focused.

What Supernatural and non-SPN fans have to understand is that a lot of us have expressed disappointment and frustration after 15x20, not because of Destiel (that’s just one part of the whole problem), but because the finale doesn’t make sense. Everything was leading up to something beautifully crafted until the end of 15x19. Beyond that, it’s hard to understand what happened. The story rendered all the character growth irrelevant, invalidated the themes of free will and “family don’t end in blood”, regressed to the original brother codependency they spent 15 years trying to overcome, made a queer non-binary character in a male vessel and a deaf female character basically disposable, and kept the show’s reputation of queerbaiting and misogyny until its very last breath.

That’s not going out with a bang! At least not a positive one. We all were ready to mourn Supernatural, but we wanted to feel proud of its legacy, and somehow TPTB managed to tarnish that legacy in less than 45 minutes. What a way to ruin the other more than 13,600 minutes of story!

It doesn’t matter who is to blame (The CW, Robert Singer, Andrew Dabb). It doesn’t matter why it happened (homophobia, censorship, marketing for Walker, bad writing). What matters is that at the end of the day, the finale that aired is what we got and that’s going to hurt for a long time. It hurts even more when we realize that the same finale could have easily made more sense, even without being perfect.

That’s what I want to do in this post. I want to show you how things would have been less jarring (for the fandom), while still keeping the goal to please the general audience.

Before I begin rewriting 15x20, I have to mention that I talked to my conservative boomer sister about the finale. She hasn’t watched the second half of season 15 yet (she’s waiting for Netflix to have it), but she’s been watching the show for a long time (she introduced me to it 8 years ago). She’s the perfect example of a viewer from the general audience. Loves the show but doesn’t give a second thought to it and definitely isn’t paying attention to character development or themes. Doesn’t engage with fandom, actors, or any of the show’s social media. Pure GA! When I told her the series finale had aired, she asked me about it and I refused to give her spoilers. Because of that, she told me the ending SHE wanted. She said she would be happy with either of two possibilities: the boys retiring and finally living a normal life OR they going to heaven and finding peace at last. She saw Sam and Dean as a unit, which means: both retiring or both going to heaven. AND she saw Cas as part of that, too. She wasn’t so sure about Jack. And for her, we could use the “Eileen who?” and it wouldn’t be a joke. She didn’t remember her.

NOW IT’S TIME TO WRITE A NEW VERSION OF 15X20 (KEEPING 15X18 AND 15X19 EXACTLY THE SAME AS THEY AIRED). This will be a very long post:

The opening remains almost the same. No “Carry on my wayward son” to induce feels. Too soon and too predictable! (Reasoning: Everyone was expecting it to play right there, so it would bring more tears at the end)

In the opening, after the scene where Jack says “People won’t need to pray to me or sacrifice to me”, we also see the scene from 15x19 where he says “I won’t be hands on”. Then we see the rest of the opening as it was. (Reasoning: People needed to be reminded that Jack would NOT intervene and that’s why later on, he would NOT save Dean).

We get the same montage, but when Sam takes a break from his morning run, we see him reading a message on his phone. A simple: “Hey Sam, what’s new?” from Eileen. Sam smiles fondly and begins to type a response we don’t get to see. The next scene continues the same, Sam making breakfast. (Reasoning: A text was a very simple way to show that Eileen was alive and still in communication with Sam).

The montage slowly ends as Sam enters the library (not after he sits down). He seems to be talking on the phone but we only hear an “I’ll tell him. Bye”. As he walks towards the table, he tells Dean: “Charlie says hi. Mentioned something about Stevie’s perfect scrambled eggs we have to try.” Dean’s answer is “Awesome!” (Reasoning: Just ONE line was needed to unbury Charlie and her girlfriend. ONE LINE).

Sam sits down, opens his laptop and everything continues the same. The title card shows for the last time.

YOU SEE? In the first 4 minutes they could have acknowledged that THREE WOMEN were alive and safe: Eileen, Charlie and Stevie. It wasn’t hard! Don’t blame bad writing on Covid! Now let’s continue.

Sam and Dean arrive at the Pie Fest just the same. Dean goes to get some “damn pie” and Sam takes out his phone. He dials and when someone picks up, he says “Hey, Jody, how are ya?” We don’t hear the rest of the conversation. The scene moves to Dean coming with his 6 portions of pie. Dean sits down and Sam tells him, “Talked to Jody. The other hunters haven’t had much work lately.” “That’s good, isn’t it?”, Dean says. All we get from Sam is “Yeah.” So, Dean looks at him and asks “what’s wrong?” like it happened in the episode. (Reasoning: Again, a couple of lines to make sure the people that were killed in 15x18 are safe and remembered by the boys in 15x20. Why is this important? Because they’re family!)

The conversation about Sam’s sad face happens the same. Sam is the one that mentions Cas and Jack. (Reasoning: Because this episode was so Sam-centered, it’s obvious he was the protagonist in the finale. If we see him communicating with Eileen, Charlie, and Jody, then it’s NORMAL, even expected of him to be the one to bring up Cas and Jack). Without these additions, it’s harder for people to understand that most of the finale was NOT from Dean’s POV but from Sam’s.

Dean’s “if we don’t keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing” stays the same. (Reasoning: I believe it’s necessary that the show sticks to the importance of “letting go” and “what is dead should stay dead” for the first time ever because the message is “even when you lose someone you love, you can still find some form of happiness and keep living, for you and for them, because that’s what they would have wanted”. Bringing someone back means “I can’t live without you”, and that’s just more codependency. It’s how the demon deals began in the Winchester family –Mary being the first one to do it. This would explain why Dean didn’t ask Jack to bring Cas back, as he asked Chuck. He understood Jack was NOT going to interfere anymore and accepted it. Besides, when Cas saved Dean from hell, Dean thought he didn’t deserve to be saved. This time that Cas saved him, Dean finally feels worthy enough to accept that YES, HE DESERVED TO BE SAVED ALL ALONG, just as much as he deserved to be loved by that angel of the Lord. In this scene, Dean also says that the pain is not gonna go away, which means that from HIS PERPECTIVE, it still hurts that Cas is not there. The problem is that the finale is not showing his POV but Sam’s.  

Sam pies Dean on the face just the same. (Reasoning: That part was just to avoid ending the scene on a sad note).

Everything related to the case happens exactly the same. (Reasoning: At this point, people don’t really care about the MoTW, they care about Sam and Dean).

NOTE 1: The case is important to show that even when the Winchesters are finally free of Chuck’s influence, they CHOOSE to keep hunting. It isn’t something they do out of revenge or because it is their destiny anymore. Maybe they were forced into the life at first, but they’ve learned to find joy in saving people. Being hunters is who they are. However, the fact that a job application was shown on Dean’s desk is also important because it means he was willing to explore what else was there for him besides hunting. Maybe he could find a balance? Maybe he was thinking it was time to quit? We will never know! The thing is that Sam only finds out about it when he goes into Dean’s room after his brother is dead, so maybe that’s when it hits him that Dean wanted to explore his options, and Sam starts to think it’s time for him to do the same.  

NOTE 2: I believe the masks the vampires are wearing is something we can blame on covid. If they had their faces covered, it was easier to use people from the SPN crew for some scenes, instead of using more actors unnecessarily.

NOTE 3: When Sam and Dean arrive at the barn, we get 3 visuals to remember Cas in the same scene (those are for the fandom, not for the general audience): a) the barn, obviously; b) the bag that resembles Cas’ trenchcoat so much that many people thought that’s what it was; and c) two feathers hanging on Dean’s right when he opens the trunk.

The scene with the throwing star happens the same. (Reasoning: The episode is still told from Sam’s point of view, so it makes sense that he fondly sees his brother as a man child).

Jenny the vampire? Uhhh… I mean, it’s not the best piece of writing I’ve ever seen, but it’s not the worst, so okay. That stays the same. (Reasoning: There is none, but she’s not what really ruined the finale, so whatever!)

Dean still dies impaled on a rebar. (Reasoning: OK. HERE ME OUT!!! I hate as much as everyone else that Dean is killed. I think it’s lazy writing, but that’s what we got and I can’t change that in this re-write, so if killing Dean is what we have to work around, then, memes aside, death by rebar is better and here’s why. There’s no one to blame for Dean’s death: no Chuck (the boys were willingly hunting even after Chuck was defeated), no vampires (they were all killed and were no real threat, so it was impossible for Sam to begin a quest for revenge against all vampires. What was Sam going to blame? A rebar? Can you kill it? Hunt it? NO. It was an ordinary death, a stupid accident. Just like any person can die at any moment by slipping on a banana peel. Is it a good death? No, but it’s good to know he doesn’t die trying to save Sam or Cas, because Dean Winchester is NOT willing to give up his life in exchange for anyone else’s anymore.

Sam takes out his phone and says he’ll call for help, but his phone is more visible to the audience. He dials and it’s almost to his ear when Dean stops him and Sam hesitantly hangs up. (Reasoning: People have complained that Sam didn’t call an ambulance, but actually he tried to. It’s just that people missed that part, maybe?)

After Sam puts his phone back in his pocket and says “OK” to Dean, he adds, “I’ll pray to Jack”. Dean’s immediate answer is: “No hands on, remember?” “But Dean”, Sam says, and Dean interrupts him with “OK listen to me” and tells Sam what to do with the kids they rescued. (Reasoning: Jack is God now and how come Sam didn’t remember? The viewers remembered, so it was necessary to include a line that ruled the option out and that showed Dean didn’t want Jack to intervene. The rest was fine).

The lines “You knew it was always gonna end like this for me. It was supposed to end like this, right?” disappear completely from Dean’s monologue. (Reasoning: This is the most problematic part of Dean’s dying speech. He fought God and earned free will, he is no longer controlled by fate or destiny. Accepting that he is supposed to die on a hunt regresses his character development and denies his desire to keep living. This was a total mistake and should be removed).

Instead, if going to heaven is the ending TPTB wanted to give Dean, at least he should say something more empowering. Sam tells him that both of them are going to take the kids somewhere safe. Dean answers and the scene follows like this: “No. Sammy, we made our choice, didn’t we?”, he smiles with difficulty. “We were free to write our own story and we did. We decided to keep saving people, hunting things. Because it’s what we love despite the risks.” (Reasoning: If Dean’s going to die it doesn’t have to feel like it was always meant to be that way. He should die knowing that he exerted his free will until his last breath).

The rest of the dialogue between Sam and Dean happens almost the same. Except that instead of Dean saying “‘cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It’s always been you and me”, he says “’cause when it all came down to it, we’ve always had each other’s backs. Always.” And instead of Sam saying “Don’t leave me”, he says “I still can try to save you.” (Reasoning: It sounds way less codependent without diminishing the importance of their love and support for each other).

Besides, let’s change Dean’s “I’m not leaving you” for “You don’t have to be alone. You’ve still got family.” The rest stays the same word by word. (Reasoning: Dean reminds Sam that “family don’t end in blood” and there are still lots of people out there who love Sam and will be with him).

“I love you so much, my baby brother” stays exactly the same. (Reasoning: Dean always had trouble to express the big L word. I always believed and said many times that before Dean could say “I love you” to Cas or any other character, he had to say it to Sam. So, this is important as part of Dean speaking his truth).

The last part when Dean insists Sam tell him that it’s okay stays the same. (Reasoning: It’s the final moment when the codependency cycle breaks. No more running in circles).

The forehead touch between them stays the same. (Reasoning: I think I would do something similar if my sister were dying. I know there are w*ncest shippers out there, but it shouldn’t matter because the moment feels appropriate for that kind of goodbye). 

See? There are changes but not too many. That’s why I’ve been saying that it was easier to get it right, yet they still managed to screw it up.

The second montage stays the same. (Reasoning: Life goes on, but of course Sam has to mourn).

The call about a case in Austin remains the same. (Reasoning: It’s the only part of the episode where someone from the found family is mentioned, so I think that Donna’s name is perfect in that moment. However, without the other additions I’ve made in this re-write, that off-hand mention feels too little. Its purpose was to tell the viewers that if Donna was alive, so were the others, but the way the episode was executed gave us an isolated Sam, incapable of having friends and a family without Dean).  

After 30 minutes of Sam’s POV, let’s finally see the last bit of Dean’s POV that we’ll ever get.

Dean arrives in Heaven and Bobby receives him. All their conversation stays almost the same, except that after mentioning Rufus and before saying “and your mom and dad…”, Bobby adds an “Ellen and Jo let me borrow their place”. (Reasoning: If you’re gonna put the man outside the Harvelle’s place, at least mention them for Jack’s sake!).

Besides, after Bobby tells Dean that Sam will be along and that time in heaven is different, Dean gives a small smile and says, “Well, there’s no rush. I want him to have a long, happy life.” Bobby answers with: “I would expect nothing less from you, boy” and tells him he got everything he could ever want, etc., just like it happened in the episode, and finishes by asking “What are you gonna do now, Dean?” (Reasoning: It’s important we know for sure that Dean is NOT codependent anymore and that he doesn’t expect to have a miserable afterlife just because his brother is not there yet).

Instead of saying “I think I’ll go for a drive” Dean says, “I think I know what I want” and walks towards baby. Bobby still tells him to have fun. (Reasoning: “Know what I want” is ambiguous enough to help us introduce the last piece of the puzzle, the one thing Dean’s wanted for many seasons and has never been able to express).

 The biggest change is coming:

Dean gets on the Impala and has a moment of silence while he contemplates the wheel. He begins to pray: “Hey, Cas, you got your ears on? I hear you’ve been busy working on this updated Heaven with Jack. You were right about him, Cas. You had faith in him and he saved us all. You could always see the best in everyone, even when they couldn’t see it themselves. Even when I couldn’t see it myself. There’s so much I want to tell you. Maybe you can visit sometime. I hope prayer’s still a thing up here.” (Reasoning: Dean’s side of the confession was unaddressed and that was terrible writing. If there was no way to get him to speak his truth textually, at least take him as close to it as possible).

We listen to a flutter of wings and a “Hello, Dean” from the back seat. We don’t see Cas, but the camera shows us Dean’s cocky smile and he says “Took you long enough.” He turns around slowly. End of scene. (Reasoning: The flutter of wings confirms that angels have their wings back and ties that loose end. The final “hello, Dean” was highly anticipated and it made sense. If Misha couldn’t be there to film, for whatever reason, or if the problem was the kind of conversation Dean and Cas would have, then don’t show it, but leave the door open. Let us know that the two characters were reunited and will talk, but whatever Dean has to say is so private that it’s not for us to hear, only for Cas.  

We finally hear “Carry on my wayward son” and get a montage that begins with Sam playing with his kid. Then we see Dean driving, super happy, and Sam living his life to the fullest. We still get Sam’s Blurry Wife, BUT… we see pictures of Eileen in the living room (not just of John, Mary, Sam, and Dean). We also see photos of Jody, Donna, Charlie, and AU!Bobby. (Reasoning: FAMILY DON’T END IN BLOOD).

The scene where Sam is wearing the party wig and looks miserable inside the Impala is cut and nobody talks about it ever again because it never existed. We get a scene of Sam teaching his son how to fix the car instead. (Reasoning: First of all, don’t give Sam a life where years later he’s still in pain. Second of all, the fucking wig was a crime).

Sam’s dying scene stays the same. The only thing is that his son signs a couple of phrases to him before actually speaking. (Reasoning: More confirmation that Dean Jr. is Eileen’s son).

We hear the final “Evanescence-like Carry on my wayward son”. Again we see the photos and there’s family other than the Winchesters there. (Reasoning: Obvious at this point).

The rest is exactly the same. The show began with two brothers and it’s okay if the last scene is with the two brothers reunited in Heaven. At this point, the other parts of the story are acceptable enough for us to feel happy that they get to see each other again after years of a happy (after)life.

Now look me in the eye and tell me this was too hard to execute. I still think that bad writing is a thing we can’t deny here, adding to the possible meddling of the Network. Maybe Dabb wanted us to hate the finale because he couldn’t get away with what he truly wanted. If that was his intention, then kudos to him. He and The CW really gave us a finale that only 30% of the fandom liked.

I hope you guys have enjoyed this and it helps to give you some peace of mind. In my heart, this was the finale we got. It wasn’t perfect, but it didn’t drop the ball either.