#(this isn't me bringing myself down or anything – or bringing others down who would consider themselves an artist after this bc absolutely-

[autumnwhistles]

(art i did for my pfp, other versions/cool layer combos below. first one is oversaturated but that's bc the normal versions (below) didn't visually work in yt)

(the completed ones i did like but didn't look good on the youtube page – apart from the red and black one that one i just found while messing around with photo settings and thought it looked cool. last one is when it was a wip but i also thought that looked cool)

[after-the-end-times]

Eddie's Never Been Chill a Day in his Life

For @steddieholidaydrabbles Prompt: Chill 🥶 Rating: G 🥶Words: 793 🥶 cw: none 🥶 Tags: Established Relationship, Corroded Coffin doesn't understand, Eddie has no chill, Eddie Munson loves Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington loves Eddie Munson

“Oh, will you chill? It's not a big deal”

“Chill? Chill?! Ha!”

Eddie strikes a dramatic pose, one hand on his hip, finger on his lips and, despite the smile spreading across his face, his eyes are wide and angry staring down his friends.

“No, I don't think I will chill! Because I tell you, my best friends, my band, my comrades in arms, that I, Eddie Munson, have finally got myself a boyfriend and you, what? Say I can do better? Tell me you don't like him?!”

Eddie throws his head back laughing.

Gareth looks at Jeff who looks at Freak. They sometimes forget how scary Eddie can be when he turns his dramatics up to 10.

Which means it’s even more creepy in the quiet after Eddie’s laughter cuts off. A car door slams on the other side of the garage door. Jeff’s mom probably getting home from work.

“Dude, we just mean he isn't really- You know.”

“What? He isn't the best thing to happen to me? He isn't the kindest, sweetest, most self sacrificing man that I’ve ever met? Because guess what guys! He is. He's all that and more. He's funny and sarcastic and goofy and so so smart!”

“Eddie, he's a jock! You've always said-”

“And I was wrong! Ok!?” He blows out a harsh breath, continuing calmer “I was wrong and I judged without knowing. So what if he likes sports? He has hobbies and interests. Isn't that a good thing? Or would you rather I be with someone boring? Someone who thinks and acts just like me? So we can just sit there and stare at each other, because we have all the same opinions about everything? 'Cause, actually, I think I like it better this way.”

“Ok, ok we get it. You like him." Gareth huffs out a laugh.

Jeff adds with a chuckle. "Guess even you couldn't resist a pretty face, huh?”

Eddie scoffs. They just don't get it.

“Of course he's breathtaking. But he's all the more beautiful because of who he is inside. Don’t you get it yet? He has a gaggle of children who he loves and would do anything for. He has a best friend who he would literally get tortured for to spare her any hurt. He's even friends with his ex and the guy she cheated on him with! He's just so kind and forgiving, and yes it’s sometimes more than I'd want him to be, but that's- He's just so- I just- I love him.” He looks at them with wide pleading eyes. “Ok, guys? I love him and he's gonna be mine for as long as I can keep him. So, you guys just need to get with it, I guess.”

Eddie runs out of steam after that and crosses his arms protectively across his chest. He's still building his strength back up and he's been gesturing wildly for his whole rant.

The door on the side of the garage opens and Steve steps inside, shivering. The tip of his nose and ears are nipped pink from the cold, his hands are red and slightly trembling; he’s clearly been out there longer than it takes to run from the car to the garage.

“Steve.” Eddie breaths out and walks over to take his hands in his. He cups them and brings them up to his mouth, warming the frozen finger tips with his breath.

Steve’s gaze, so wide and hope filled, has been locked on Eddie since he came in.

“Do you really?” He finally asks, in a low voice just for them.

Eddie flicks his eyes up to meet Steve’s. For a fraction of a second he considers asking what he’s talking about, maybe playing off the moment with a joke, but no. Steve deserves to know. And he wants Steve to know.

“Steve,” He kisses the finger tips at his lips, still so cold, but finally warming. “I love you.”

“Eddie.” Steve’s shaking, though whether it’s still from the cold or from the force of his emotions, Eddie’s not sure. Either way, he suddenly has an armful of a Steve Harrington who is laughing so joyously, like it’s the only way he can release the amount of happiness that has suddenly over taken him. He gasps in a breath. “I love you, too, Eddie. Oh my god, I love you so much.”

Eddie pulls back grinning, he needs to see him right now, needs to see the joy he’s put on Steve’s face just by loving him.

Oh, Steve is glowing.

And in that moment, Eddie knows, without a singular doubt, he’s going to spend the rest of his life making Steve glow with happiness.

And they’re going to have a beautiful life.

~Fin~

[xremus-is-deadx]

Let's talk about Sevika for a minute...

S2 talk ahead:

Okay so Sevika is a powerhouse of a character, we can all see that, we all have eyes, we all know her gorgeous ass can fight.

But like, it's always under someone, and S2 Act 1 has made that so much more evident.

She's a natural follower, jumps of the train of whoever holds power. First with Vander, then with Silco, and now Silco is gone, she has no one...

In a scene in S2 Ep2, when discussing who would take over Silco's position, Sevika is immediately excluded from the picture. Not because she isn't strong, everyone knows she's physically strong, she just isn't a leader. She still has a very powerful voice at the table, but she just doesn't take control, and honestly I'm debating whether that's because she can't bring herself to, or because she doesn't.

Realistically, if you take a position of leadership down in the undercity, you paint and immediate target on your head with a sign saying "take me down" written in neon above you. It's a risky position, and everyone we've seen take such a position, or even try to, has either died (Vander, Silco, Finn, and now kind of Renni), or landed flat on their ass in pursuit (specifically Smeech in act 1). She has to know that it's probably safer to play follow the leader, but she also seems somewhat incapable of taking on a leadership role in trying times. She doesnt really knowing what to do without Silco around now, and she's fallen in line with Jinx, someone she never worked alongside, even under Silco, because they opposed eachother so much (Sevika have a "tackle what I'm given the way I'm given it, no other way" tactic, Jinx having a "shooty shooty bomb explosion" tactic, not exactly besties...)

And yet here they are, teamed?

Realistically, I think Sevika likely won't take a sole leadership status, I don't think she has it in her, though it would be beneficial considering how little anyone on topside knows/ talks about her, and also, she's a badass, she can fight. I do think though that she may take on some more control alongside Jinx, well, I hope she does, that a power duo I'd love to see.

Sevika is looking for someone to follow, Jinx is looking for someone to shelter her, I think it'll be interesting to see what becomes of the two of them

ALSO SHOUTOUT TO ISHA I ALREADY ADORE HER SO MUCH, SHES SO FUCKING WONDERFUL, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER IM KILLING EVERYONE THEN MYSELF

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

I have gotten so many messages from folks who see what's happening to Jews right now, how literally any statement from us that isn't straight up "death to Israel!" "tear it down!" "river to the sea!" etc. - no matter how tempered in other ways or critical of the Israeli government it is - anything even mildly supportive of the terrorism victims/their families in their grief and/or Israelis deserving to live is getting dog piled to an absurd degree. And yes, that primarily targets Jews (because we're the ones primarily speaking on it) but it definitely is also hitting anyone not Jewish who says this as well. Immediately, overnight, the left has made any position that respects everyone's human rights and allows Jews room to grieve our murdered and missing family and friends without telling us they deserved to die in terrible ways completely radioactive. Like literally even the most milquetoaste statement attracts numerous hysterical commentators. And because it's so toxic, people are afraid to speak up.

And I've now heard from a lot of gentiles that they had no idea how deep the rot of leftist antisemitism went, how they've been seeing this unfold with horror, and are afraid to speak up.

Here's what I'll say: those messages give me a lot of strength, because they help me remember that I'm not insane, that this is horrendous, and we are seeing in real time exactly who would have helped the Gestapo find us if they were sufficiently convinced that this is "decolonization." That yes, the backlash really *is* that bad. I hear that affirmation and I appreciate it, and I understand your fear, because it was mine too. I myself strongly considered at the beginning not saying anything about this until I could do so without being harassed. (I decided against that because I am physically incapable of shutting up when it pertains to my people, but I understand the sentiment.)

Here's the thing: this is never going to end - those people who take seriously the question "are Jews people?" are going to be the vocal minority unless and until we all speak out. Jews are 2% of the US population and 0.2% of the world's population - there are literally more self-identified Nazis in America than there are Jews. I would honestly be surprised if there weren't more horseshoe theory leftists in the world than Jews also.

That being the case, we really do need our allies to speak up with us. I think if we all spoke up at once, it might be enough to break the silence-taken-as-agreement and shame everyone but the avowed antisemites (rather than the thoughtless and opportunistic ones) back into keeping their antisemitism under wraps. Which does have the effect of bringing the mob under control. Jews have faced a ton of mob violence in the form of pogroms throughout our history and backlash to Jewish victimhood. (Tl;dr - "How dare you make me consider how I might have benefited from or been complicit in hurting Jews? This is actually the fault of the Jews." is a disturbingly common thought process.) (You may also be wondering what I mean by "opportunistic;" I can explain in another post if people are interested.)

I know it's scary. I am well aware that you might lose friends from this. I personally decided that if those "friends" valued Jewish lives so little, they were never my friends to begin with, but it's different for non-Jews. They may genuinely be your friends. I'm not demanding you do this for me or my community, but I am asking you to consider what your line is for your friends. And if you are able to talk to them, to ask them what makes this group different from all other groups in terms of deserving compassion and human rights, it may just help us to quiet the mob.

And, if nothing else, just privately reminding those of us who are speaking about it that we are grounded in reality and compassion helps combat the mass gaslighting going on.

[hunnylagoon]

When I Was Your Girl

Stage Fright

Rockstar! Ellie Williams x pop star! Reader

‘Fame is a poison most would drink happily despite the warning of a slow and painful death’

Premise: You and fell in love as nobodies and fell out of love in the limelight. Now you are forced to deal with ghosts who haunt you like a melody.

Warnings: small mentions of drinking and drugs / wee bit of violence / Ellie is a dick

Fake albums mentioned: Solstice / Smokey Eyes

I've never been anything more than a joke.

I'm so childish they took it for maturity, and I'm so serious they took it for silly.

Even since I began my career, I was spotted at eighteen by a skeezy producer when I sold myself at a strip club to make ends meet, because dreaming never paid the bills. I wish that I had been found somewhere else, maybe one of the restaurants I sang at on karaoke nights or the park where I poured my soul into art through my uncle’s old acoustic guitar. 

"How are you feeling right now?" A tanned woman with slick back hair shoves a microphone into my face while an emotionless man holds the camera. "I mean, seven years in the industry and you've just received your first Grammy nominations."

"I'm feeling kind of freaked out, to be honest," I face the woman with a sheepish smile on my face, trying the best I can not to look at the large camera lurking beside me.

"Rightfully," Her teeth are so white that they almost blind me and I get distracted by myself as I try to figure out whether they are veneers or not. "Do you think you'll be bringing any hardware home tonight?"

She moves the microphone back to my face and I flinch out of instinct, we both laugh for the camera but I can tell she's annoyed "Honestly, I'm just happy to be here, as corny as it sounds it is such an honour to be around so many incredible artists."

"So humble," She smiles then turns to the camera to address the viewers "I think we all know she's gonna be sleeping tonight with a golden gramophone under her pillow," She forces a laugh, trying to capture the raw essence of this overly manufactured moment. The interviewer turns back to me "Now, I know this isn't your first rodeo, is there anyone here you aren't looking forward to seeing, you don't have to name any names."

Fuck I hate these bloodsuckers. She is so obviously trying to milk my broken engagement which was still very much fresh. I uphold my false smile though and shake my head "Nope, if anything I think I'm looking forward to some mingling,"

She looks irritated, covering it up only by a close-lipped smile. "Well, then I'll let you get on with that."

I give her a curt wave and continue my way down the red carpet, maneuvering through other celebrities, we all have common ground, we are blinded by the flashing lights. I try my best to avoid any more journalists but I see Abby Anderson speaking to one and sneak up behind her, tapping her on the shoulder.

She turns around and greets me with a huge smile "I was wondering when I was gonna see you," Abby smiles and slings an arm around my shoulders looking to the journalist while I glance at the camera "I'm telling you, this girl needs to clear some space out on her trophy shelf."

I grin at her, genuinely. Abby had always been kind to me, we first met when I was nineteen and the both of us signed up for Atlantic Records. "She's just being nice," I say.

"And she's just being humble!" Abby squeezes me, it's a simple gesture but it means the world to me, it's her way of saying 'I got you'.

I shake my head "Abby is gonna be the real winner tonight."

The man holding a microphone in front of us smiles "We'll see who's right, my bet is both of you," He turns his attention to me directly "So I understand that you took a bit of a break after releasing your album, Solstice, is this considered your comeback?"

"Nope," I smile despite wanting to snatch the microphone from his hand and beat the camera with it until it shatters "There isn't anything to come back from."

He tilts his head giving the over-animated 'Are you serious?' look for whoever is watching. Every journalist was like a vampire trying to bleed me dry. The journalist, impeccably dressed in a tailored suit that exudes both sophistication and confidence searches his mind for another question "Well your album honestly was such a work of art and there has been talk that you are working on another one, is there anyone here that inspired any of those songs?"

"Nope."

"I think we should ask Ellie the same question," He laughs at his joke like it was funny. 

"And I think we should be heading off now," Abby answers for me and guides me away from the barricade of reporters and journalists, away from the cameras prying into my soul.

As I walk along the red carpet, I don't bother to stop and pose for any more pictures, I pick up the long skirts of my dress and usher myself to weave between the other celebrities. I nearly turn my ankle and take a tumble, wow, sure glad that 30 photographers caught that moment.

I was drenched in a deep, enchanting shade of midnight blue, the gown captivated with its sleek silhouette. The magic shows in the intricate details that adorn the fabric, reminiscent of the cosmos itself. Delicate embroidery of constellations graces the entire dress, forming a celestial tapestry that seems to come alive under the harsh shine of lights. The celestial patterns are meticulously sewn into the fabric, resembling a night sky filled with stars and constellations, creating an ethereal and otherworldly charm. Paired with the constellation dress, I wear a diamond choker and matching teardrop earrings.

I had lost Abby at some point in my little runaway leaving me to get into the auditorium where the award ceremony is to take place. 

Nearly the very second I walk in I hear a man yell my name, he is seated in the second row and it takes an awkwardly long amount of time for him to jog over to me. "Hey, kid!" He grins, hugging me, I don't hug him in return, I just freeze. It was Graham Wilson, I could smell the liquor on his breath.

Graham Wilson was a man who used to write very successful rock songs in his twenties with his band (the majority now deceased), he was nearing his sixties and was the definition of a has-been. I remember when I was a kid and I would listen to him on my iPod; though in recent days he's become known for ridiculous stunts, DUIs and homophobic tweets, even better known for how he found out I was gay and announced that he was no longer homophobic because, in his words 'Those gays can sure write good music' and then thanked me in his tweet, even tagging my account.

His frame carries the weight of a bygone era, specifically his beer belly. His once-lustrous, shoulder-length hair has succumbed to streaks of gray, hanging limply around his face like faded echoes of a rebellious past. Despite the passage of time, a few remnants of the rockstar allure linger - a faint scar above his right eyebrow, a reminder of a wild night in an underground club, and the subtle tattoos peeking out from under the sleeves of his wrinkled suit jacket.

"Hey, Graham," I give him a tight-lipped smile out of courtesy, in no means do I wish to talk to him. 

"You better win best album tonight," He gives me a hard slap on the back. Every time I see him he acts like we're friends just because he was a judge on a singing reality show that I was on seven years prior.

"I'll try my best," I try to excuse myself but he speaks again.

"I said seven years ago when I saw you on that stage that you were gonna be a star so don't let me down," He points a finger at me and gives me a weird smirk. When he smirks I almost think he's having a stroke until he starts to laugh and reveals his rows of teeth that are beginning to rot from his not-so-subtle drug abuse.

"Okay," I give him a nod and a quick wave goodbye to sneak away and pretend that I didn't converse with him. It seems like I'm early to take my seat, people are still piling in and being ushered to their spots, and seat fillers are standing around sheepishly while they try to take discreet photos of celebrities.

My seat is on the end of row two, right on the aisle, I feel myself split into a grin. If you weren't aware, Who sits where is a major status symbol. And though awards show organizers may deny it, it's awfully convenient to be sitting in the front row or on the aisle if you're about to accept a ton of trophies.

I was shaking with nerves, I got nominated three times and maybe there was hope that I would win at least one category.

When I saw Ellie I almost wanted to hide my face, she walked in with a new girl she slung her arm around, Jesse, Dina, and Cat in tow. I'm thankful to see that they're sitting front row of the opposite section of me and have yet to notice me.

I'm not sure if you have ever fallen in love, dated, gone on tour, moved in together, adopted a dog, written a couple of songs, got engaged, then broken up with someone and had the entire thing be documented publically but it's not the best feeling when you have to be in the same room as them again.

Everything with Ellie used to be so perfect.

The first thing I ever noticed about her were her eyes, her sad eyes. She looked like a puppy that had been kicked around for far too long; neglected and mistreated by whoever was cruel enough to show her such torment. Her eyebrows furrowed like each thought running through her head was a worry.

It's hard to look at her now, I know this girl inside out but we are strangers. 

I liked to pretend that the beautiful girl she was with was just there for show but I knew it was untrue when I saw her snake her hand around her waist just like she did to me. She runs through girls like they're cigarettes, she uses them until they burn out or she grows sick of them.

Two years ago at this very same award show, Ellie accepted Song of the Year for the song she wrote about me, 'Everlong'. She had even invited me on stage during her speech and announced to the world how in love she was with me.

If only I knew I could come to hate someone I used to love to death.

My hate was only solidified when Ellie and the Ashmen dropped their most recent album titled 'Smokey Eyes' just three months after our broken engagement. The entire album was about me and dear god it almost ruined my career.

Ellie had managed to paint me in a horrible light that made me seem like the scum of the earth. She wrote about me having substance issues and overall just sang happily about how much she despised me. Her song 'Me vs Your Friends' wrecked me. After speculation began over that song online, her fans decided that they loathed me just the same as Ellie did; this meant that I was doxxed, sent death threats, had my home broken into, and forced to move.

She wasn't the slightest bit sorry.

I spent the award ceremony dazed out, to be truthful, these types of events were boring. They dragged on for ages and you had to sit through the same generic speeches over and over again of people thanking their parents and producers, I hated both of those.

I watched as Amelia Swan walked on stage, she was a nepotism baby, the daughter of some big-shot director and beautiful all the same. In the glittering spotlight of the grand award show stage, a vision of elegance takes center stage as the next announcer for the evening. A beautiful woman, her porcelain skin seemingly kissed by moonlight, graces the audience with a timeless allure. Her dark, cascading hair frames her face in a sleek, sophisticated manner, accentuating the delicate features that radiate a captivating charm.

Draped in a resplendent pink gown, the fabric sits tight against her slim body. The gown is a masterpiece of design. Its silhouette accentuates her figure with tasteful precision, while the soft hue of pink complements her fair complexion.

"Hello!" She smiles and the crowd begins to cheer "I'm going to cut to the chase because I know all of you are as excited to find out the winner as I am."

Amelia begins to go through the nominees, my breath hitches in my throat when she says my name, though I play it cool the best I can and smile softly when the camera zooms in on me in the crowd.

Her eyes, framed by carefully styled lashes and a hint of rosy eyeshadow, exude warmth and confidence. Lips adorned with a subtle shade of pink curve into a welcoming smile, inviting the audience to share in the excitement of the announcement. 

"The winner of Album of the Year is..." I could've sworn I nearly passed out when Amelia said my name.

Nothing felt real, it was like I was living the dreams that I made up when I was a little girl staying up late in my uncles back yard, talking to the indigo sky and speaking to it with delusions of security and stardom.

I shake when I stand up from my chair. The person next to me hugs me and I don't even know who she is but I hug her in return.

Amelia gestures for me to join her on stage with a huge smile on her face. I make my way down the aisle and up the steps leading to the stage. Amelia handed the statue of the golden gramophone to me along with the microphone to give my speech.

At this moment, the stage is my kingdom "I didn't prepare anything because I honestly didn't think I would win but I'd like to thank my little sister, Marceline, and my late uncle, Richie, god rest his soul. Everything I've done leading me to this moment has been for them, every lyric, every night I'm up till dawn writing. Even though Richie can't be here in person, I carry a little piece of him with me everywhere I go, he's all around me, I see him in the songs I write, in the melody of an acoustic guitar, and in the faces of those gentle enough to show me kindness."

The audience applauds for me, even Ellie who stares me down bitterly. I had sung in front of thousands of people but it would never compare to this moment.

I wipe a tear away from my eye "I would also like to thank all of my fans, you guys are just the fucking best," I giggle through my crying "I feel like you've been sent down by Richie and Marceline I know you're watching me right now, please give my dog some love for me. Please know that I don't come from anything, I was born from dirt and dreams for something more than a ratty town in Canada."

I lived for the applause.

"I mean, I've always been good and never great so this means a lot to me-

Ameilia places a hand on my shoulder to stop me "There was a bit of a mix-up," She announces "I'm sorry, love, you didn't win," She says just to me, dark eyes full of remorse.

"What?" I almost think it's a sick joke.

Amelia holds the microphone to her face to be heard by the audience "I'm not joking," She shows the contents of a card to the crowd "The real winners for album of the year are Ellie and the Ashmen for their album Smokey Eyes." Gasps sound from the audience and I can only imagine what those watching from home are doing

The camera pans to where Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and Cat sit, Ellie is laughing; not laughing, cackling, it only grows and now she's laughing so hard she can barely breathe. Suddenly I didn't feel like I was king of the world, it felt like the desolation of a hangover had hit me in the span of 90 seconds.

Dina gives Ellie a harsh elbow to her bicep, telling her to be respectful. The four of them rise from their chairs and make their way up to the stage, where I stand, paralyzed.

"Congratulations," I give Ellie a tight-lipped smile and hand the award off to her.

She smiled smugly at me and took it "Thanks, smokey eyes," Ellie held the statue up to display it. Smokey eyes was a nickname she had given me when we first met since I always had dark circles she said they looked like smoke from a forest fire. I told you that album was about me. What made me more mad is that it was such a stupid fucking nickname.

My mouth goes dry, it tastes like salt and failure.

I take many steps back, trying to hide myself at the back of the stage while I watch the Ashmen bathe in the glory I thought was mine.

"I didn't prepare anything because I honestly didn't think I would win," Ellie begins to mock me "But I'd like to thank my best friends, Dina, Jesse, and Cat, I couldn't have done it without you," She motions at her band members beside her "But I also couldn't have done it without my dad, thank you, Joel, you're out there in the cheap seats but I fucking love you," She waves out into the crowds somewhere before handing the microphone off to Dina.

"I am so beyond grateful-

"No!" Someone yells from the ground and all attention turns to him "This is not fair!" Graham shouts, walking up the stairs. Everyone in the room looks at one another trying to figure out what is going on. Graham snatches the microphone from Dina "I'm proud of you four but listen."

Everyone is silent completely, no one is sure what to do so we let Graham continue.

"I met everyone on this stage seven years ago," He throws one arm out for dramatics "Except for Amelia, I don't know you," Graham is more dishevelled than he was when I saw him earlier that night "Let me tell all of you that Ellie was in love with this girl since the day they met!" Graham points at me, now things are getting weird, well weirder. “I know because I was there and you all saw it on TV!”

It was no secret that Ellie and I were together since we met on Road to Stardom, a singing reality show where people compete for-well, stardom. Every step of our relationship had been very public, not by choice but by unfortunate circumstances. It is for this reason I was afraid of what Graham would spout next.

"Without her, Smokey Eyes wouldn't have ever been written, Ellie would've had no inspiration for it," He babbles "But more so my point is, Solstice deserved to win, Smokey Eyes is mediocre at best!"

People in the audience look genuinely concerned, I spot Abby in the third row. She has one hand covering her mouth from pure shock, her eyebrows are furrowed and she almost looks like she's going to throw up.

 "Solstice is the best album to listen to when you're high off salvia on your bathroom floor!" Graham points back at me.

I see Cat mutter something to Jesse along the lines of "He's not wrong."

"Smokey Eyes has three good songs and Solstice has thirteen!" Graham suddenly stops to turn and look at me, he grabs my wrist "Come up here and finish your speech," I shake my head no but he pulls me up anyway.

I freeze, petrified. My eyes are wide and my lips are pressed together in a thin line. I didn't know what to do. Why wasn't anyone doing anything?

Graham's head suddenly snaps from me to Ellie where he takes an intoxicated step closer to her "Give me that damn award, you don't deserve it, especially not after mocking the woman who inspired it!" He lunges for the statue, at first Ellie is stubborn and holds onto it tight.

After 30 seconds of Graham trying to pry the stature away, Ellie gives up and releases it, figuring it best not to fight with a drunk man; in doing so Graham's elbow flies back from sudden loss of resistance and hits me dead in my nose. I yelp out in pain bending over into a crouch and clutching my nose. Graham stumbles back and trips over me, though he is still holding on tight to the statue.

Jesse approaches him slowly. "Hey, man, It's me, I think we should all just settle down and talk this through," He tries to act cool but his eyes are full of worry "I agree, I think Solstice is a great album and it really deserved to win."

Graham clumsily rolled onto his stomach and then stumbled back onto his feet. He was staring Jesse down like this was the Wild West.

Dina rushed over to me to make sure I was okay "Let me see," She gingerly moved my hands away from my nose, it had been knocked crooked and blood was pouring down to my chest where it pooled at the neckline of my dark dress.

Graham chucked the golden gramophone at Cat who jumped back when he did so and took a swing at Jesse who didn't move an inch or even shudder from his drunken punch. It also didn't help Graham that he was a solid four inches shorter than Jesse. Just as Graham was hyping himself up to send another hit, two bulky men grabbed either of Graham's arms and dragged him off the stage and out of sight.

I went home that night with nothing more than a broken nose, and no award but I could rest knowing that night went down infamously in history. My blood dripped onto the stage of the Grammys.

That was the night I truly became famous.

Grade eight- Age thirteen 

Middle school is hard.

Even harder when you have two friends, one of them is a guy who is obsessed with Star Wars and is hardly at school because he's always having an allergic reaction, and the other friend is my English teacher. I ate lunch in her class while he graded schoolwork on days that Milo was too sick to show up for school.

I never understood why kids are so fucking mean. Like sometimes I'm having a good day and then I remember when I sang at the middle school talent show.

Some kid who was destined to have a blunt in his hand finished doing tricks on his skateboard rolled off stage and it was my turn.

In the dimly lit auditorium, adorned with colourful decorations for the annual school talent show, I took center stage with my guitar, a blend of excitement and nervousness etched across my face. The hushed whispers of the audience faded as I strummed the first chords, the notes carrying the beginning to the first of many performances in my life

"If you gave me only one wish,

I wouldn't want to feel this way.

They told me I'd have your memory

But all I want is you to stay

And I can't stop my mind from haunting me,

It's like a scar on a butterfly's wing,

I wanted you to know."

I had worked tirelessly to perfect the lyrics to my first ever song, begging my uncle who was far more practiced for his input. This was way back when I still lived in fuck ass nowhere Alberta, I had that country twang in my high voice though it carried a specific tenderness.

"This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you

And one day these bones will heal

And they'll leave me with the truth

And I'll give you everything if it's the last thing that I do.

This beautiful pain, this beautiful pain

This beautiful pain for you."

However, as I sang my little heart out, a different melody began to play in the background - the snickers and hushed comments of some classmates who couldn't appreciate the vulnerability I laid bare on the stage. Their laughter, like discordant notes in a once-harmonious piece, reverberated through the auditorium.

"If I sailed the world on stormy seas

Chasing sunlight that I can't see.

I was a dreamer here before,

Before I woke up and fell to the floor

And I'd climb to heaven if I could find you,

Even with a scar this butterfly flew.

I wanted you to know."

I spotted one group in particular, they hated me already and this would give them all the more reason to bully me.

"This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you

And one day, these bones will heal

And they'll leave me with the truth

And I'll give you everything if it's the last thing that I do

This beautiful pain, this beautiful pain, this beautiful pain."

Maybe the lyrics were the slightest bit corny but I was thirteen and these girls were being little cunts. I bit back the tears I so clearly wanted to release when I saw a teacher had to walk over to the group of girls to stop their laughing. It wasn't just that one group though, kids scattered all over were fighting back giggles and that made it hurt all the worse.

"And all I'll ever need

And all I'll ever be,

Within every part of me is this,

This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you

And one day these bones will heal

And leave me with the truth

And I'll give you everything 'cause it was all I ever knew.

This beautiful pain,

This beautiful pain,

This beautiful pain,

For you."

As the last note hung in the air, the room was divided. Some applauded, recognizing the authenticity of my performance, while others continued their derisive comments. So the majority who liked my singing were teachers, but that didn't matter, at least my music got through to someone.

The rest of the day was even more difficult than my three-minute performance, at least that was over quickly but the comments from Kennedy and her friends left me leaving school in tears.

I didn't go home that day, I walked the extra ten minutes to get to my uncle's house. Lugging my guitar and newfound hate for music with me. The façade, adorned with a mismatched collection of potted plants and a welcoming, hand-painted sign that read ‘Home Sweet Home’ hinted at my uncle's efforts to infuse joy into his surroundings. The paint on the wooden shutters might have faded, but they held stories of many seasons gone by. The roof, patched with a variety of materials, showed the resourcefulness of my uncle in their attempt to shield the interior from the whims of weather. 

He tried to make the house look nice for me and my little sister. He was by no means rich in money but rich in what mattered, the love he had for me was overflowing.

It wasn't a particularly nice neighbourhood either, his house was small, with two bedrooms and a basement I wasn't allowed in. But every time I think of the chipped blue walls, I feel a warm sense of nostalgia run down my spine.

"Who's there?" I hear Uncle Richie call from the kitchen where he is cooking something.

"Just me," I yell back, dropping my guitar case on the ground and belly-flopping onto his old brown leather couch that had more tears in it than I could count; he had tried to stich some of them up with embroidery floss but ultimately gave up, deciding to let it be since he couldn't afford to replace it.

"Why aren't you at your mom's, Chickadee?"

"I don't wanna see Mom right now, she's gonna put me in an even worse mood," I call back grabbing the TV remote off of the water-damaged coffee table.

"What happened?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Minutes later Richie walks into the living room to join me, he carries a bowl of Kraft Mac and cheese with two forks shoved in it, he taps the bottom of my socked feet, signalling for me to move them so he can fit on the couch with me. Uncle Richie has a buzz cut and beard stubble that I have never seen him without, he has never been seen without a flannel on, not as long as I've been alive. What I remember the clearest about him though was the scar beneath his right eye, when I was younger he would tell me that he got it from a pirate though I stopped believing that. "So are you going to tell me why you're sulking?"

I ignore him and he reaches for the remote to turn the TV off "Hey, I watching that," I mutter.

"Well I'm waiting for you to answer me, Chickadee," He tilts his head "Or you won't get any kraft dinner."

"I sang at the talent show today."

"And?"

"Everyone made fun of me."

He furrows his eyebrows "Why would they do that?"

"Why do you think?" I snark "Because I'm not good enough and I'm a bad singer and I have a shit guitar." I immediately regret my words. Uncle Richie was the one who gave me that guitar, it was all he could manage with his income, it was his back when he had dreams of his own but he fixed it up so I could pick up where he left off. The guitar itself had a cracking between the face and the side that was being held together with duct tape, not to mention the whole thing was basically reinforced with superglue and there were Sharpie drabbles on it of poems and potential songs Richie started that I will be sure to finish.

"This is the best guitar in the world," He reaches behind the couch where I left it slugs the case onto his lap and opens it to showcase the guitar "Because it's full of something money can’t buy, there is love built into this guitar and every time you play it you feel that love."

"I don't feel love when I play," I say, eyes brimming with tears.

"Then you're not playing right," He smiles, discarding the case on the floor "Did you play the song I helped you write?"

I nod "Kennedy said it was worse than shoving nails into her ears and that my guitar was decrepit and even more fugly than I am."

"Well Kennedy is a little cunt," He answers "Don't tell anyone I said that." His words make me giggle. I watch him intently as he begins to strum some chords on the guitar, the beginning of Beautiful Pain, he stops when I don't sing the lyrics, glancing at me until the words finally fall from my lips.

After the first two Stanzas, he hands the guitar off to me, nodding his head along to my gentle strums.

When I finish the song and strike the last chord, Richie claps a huge smile on his face "Do you feel the love yet?"

"I dunno."

"Then play again," He says "Don't think about those bitchy little girls," His tone is dead serious "You just gave all of those people a free performance, in ten years they are going to be paying hundreds just to get a bad seat at one of your shows and they will buried so far in the back of your mind that you won't even remember their names or all of those awful words they say to you, the only words that will matter are the ones you sing."

"So what do I do?"

"Play music because you love it, it doesn't matter if it takes you anywhere or if it makes you any money. That's why you should play, play for love not greed."

Wordlessly I begin the song over again, blocking out the rest of the world while I softly sing the lyrics. I strum each cord perfectly, my singing to match. I will forever think back to this moment, this is where I can pinpoint the exact second I fell in love with music.

I wrap up the song and Richie speaks up "Do you still want to watch TV?"

I shake my head "Can you help me write another song?" 

-

Sinjinisoverboard: I love love love the new single but does anyone else miss her debut era?????? I feel like she's sold out

     woodmonkey92: Reply to Sinjinisoverboard╰┈➤ this is so true, I remember when she would sing in parks and she was actually happy just being herself

     theend_is_n3ar: Reply to woodmonkey92╰┈➤ bruh you don't remember that, she was a nobody when she sang in parks plus she literally got heckled and ridiculed by her classmates so bad that she gave up on singing in public and almost gave up on music as a whole

     user37768638493: Reply to sinjinisoverboard╰┈➤ as much as I love her it really seems like she's fallen off the rails

conner_stoll_it: She's not even the same person anymore. I fell in love her original music and who she was when she wrote it, then she signed with a record label now she's an in-genuine copy of every pop star.

     Alina_b12: Reply to conner_stoll_it╰┈➤ you fell in love with her old music?? 💀💀💀 she wasn't even past 100 subscribers when she released her debut album and after she released she literally gained 11 listeners on Spotify to get a total of 24 so don't lie and say that you heard it before hearing her mainstream music

     Luciaisdonewithlife: Reply to conner_stoll_it╰┈➤ Her old music was so relatable, she got famous and it’s kind of hard to relate to someone who's net worth is more money then I can even fathom

     hazeinmorningcraze: Reply to Luciaisdonewithlife╰┈➤I think that's why it was so easy for everybody to side with Ellie during the breakup, Ellie kept true to who she is, her girlfriend however did not.

     Luciaisdonewithlife: Reply to hazeinthemorningcraze╰┈➤*fiancé

     hazeinthemorningcraze: Reply to Luciaisdonewithlife╰┈➤ ew don't remind me

     maiya_onthec0ast: Reply to conner_stoll_it╰┈➤ We should remember that no one listened to her when she released her debut music. She said in an interview that before she signed with Atlantic Records she had 24 listeners and 76 subscribers. We only know who she is because of her mainstream music, you aren't better than anyone for needlessly hating on her.

stargirlthesequel: God who else misses the southern twang she used to have in her voice?

      Vampire_empire2: Reply to stargirlthesequel╰┈➤LMAO acting like you know her is crazy

      Aline_b12: Reply to stargirlthesequel╰┈➤parasocial relationships are really becoming apparent rn

thismightbeskylarwwhiteyo: It's soooooo annoying when people hate on Solstice for being mainstream like all Ashmen discography isn't top on charters since they dropped their first album

     dancedancerev0lution: Reply to thismightbeskylarwwhiteyo╰┈➤I've been saying this! Ellie has been in the industry way longer, she's always had a big fan base, even when she was still a solo artist!

    elliespurplemonster: Reply to thismightbeskylaarwwhiteyo╰┈➤ Ellie Williams on 🔝

    call_urm0ther: Reply to elliespurplemonster╰┈➤ kys she treated her fiancé horribly

    elliespurplemonster: Reply to call_urm0ther╰┈➤ how would you know that????? Were you there??????

    follow_kendra88: Reply to call_urm0ther╰┈➤Ellie was the one who was treated horribly in that relationship, have you even listened to Smokey Eyes?

    ellies_no2girl: Reply to call_urm0ther╰┈➤Ellie was so in love and just got used for fame 🥺💔

     call_urm0ther: Reply to ellies_no2girl╰┈➤fuck off with your cringe ass emojis

sorryyileft___:You guys are so weird for saying Ellie was used by her ex for fame, they literally were on the same show at the same age at the same time and got thrown into the limelight at the same time, Ellie and the Ashmen just got more popular.

   mybodyisacage: Reply to sorryyileft___╰┈➤Ellie had a bit of a YouTube presence before she was on Stardom, it wasn't a crazy number but it was a cult following and that's why she won Stardom, bc she had fans to begin with then gained even more after being on national television

    elliespurplemonster: Reply to mybodyisacage╰┈➤She didn't win bc of following she won bc she's a good artist

    mybodyisacage: Reply to elliespurplemonster╰┈➤I never said she wasn't

bodhi_van34: I thought the whole thing at the Grammy's was an act until I saw all those news articles about Graham Wilson getting arrested

  carlyswarly: Reply to bodhi_van34╰┈➤They did a drug test when he got arrested and found coke in his system

    may0mayyyo: Reply to carlyswarly╰┈➤A busboy who worked the event said that Graham was doing cocaine in the bathroom

   body_van34: Reply to may0mayyyo╰┈➤ LMAO WTF 

charlotte_5freakingdidit: EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT ELLIE WILLIAMS BEING MEAN TO HER EX BUT GRAHAM WILSON LITERALLY ASSAULTED A POPSTAR ON STAGE AND TRIED TO THROW HANDS WITH JESSE LMAO IM DIFFUSING

juliaa__stirling: The way Ellie was laughing when Amelia said she messed up the cards was so rude and immature. Her fans are insane for defending her. All of that just because her ex fiancé gave a speech about working hard, imagine how she felt after being so honest with everyone just for her to not actually win and think about how she feels now reading all of these posts.

botoxangel: Celebrities have feelings too, Amelia made a mistake she's probably embarrassed but not as embarrassed as that poor woman is for putting her soul into a speech just for her ex and all of her fan girls to ridicule her for a mistake that wasn't even hers.

    karaleaah778: Reply to botoxangel╰┈➤exactly! And why are people blaming Amelia??? She was given the envelope by someone else, she genuinely thought her friend won.

carlosislost: Why is Graham even invited to these events?????????

katie_katelynsm1th: Reply to carlosislost╰┈➤Bc it's funny when he causes a scene

howto_nevrst0ppbeingsad: I know you guys think this Grammy situation is so funny but it's really not. Graham is clearly mentally ill, this is a cry for help.

   elleryc3llery: Reply to howto_nevrst0ppbeingsad╰┈➤Dude it's hilarious

  3emmettttt: Reply to howto_nevrst0ppbeing sad╰┈➤The way you're worried about the has been and not the girl whose nose he broke

allysaaaa663638: LMAO THE WAY SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WON THE AWARD AND SHE DESERVED IT SHDBDBEGHWWBSV

jessicadacoolest: Ellie is so real for laughing bc I would've done the same tbh

hennyrumwine: Dumb bitch deserved to be hit lollllllll

4444carmencarmen4444: I love the Ashmen's music but I hate Ellie sm, I just feel like she's a fuck girl and she gives me very rude vibes. Like laughing at her ex and then mocking her heartfelt speech is INSANE anyways stream Solstice

sittingwaiting_wishing: I honestly have hated Ellie since the breakup, she's changed so much since then. She used to be funny now she's just mean.

carissaandher_h0ttakes: I still think it's kind of crazy that Dina and Jesse followed through with Ellie on Smokey Eyes because they were really close to her when she was engaged to Ellie, can't imagine how many ties that album severed

    elliessmokeyeye: Reply to carissaandher_h0ttakes╰┈➤I think about this all the time! She was literally the god mother for Dina and Jesses kid

     carissaandher_h0ttakes: Reply to elliessmokeyeye╰┈➤it make me think that she might've done something to them to make them hate her the way Ellie does, Ellie did say that she didn't write all of the songs for Smokey Eyes 🤔🤔🤔

"Do you see how this backlash doesn't look good for anyone?" My agent, Caroline asks after showing me several Twitter posts that are under the trending tag.

"Well, it's not really my fault."

"Nonetheless, I think It's time for a rebrand." She sets her phone face down and looks at me from across her desk "Do you remember when you went on tour with the Ashmen when you were around twenty-one?"

My eyes go wide, I'm already shaking my head "Please-

"This is an awful event that you can turn into an amazing opportunity and capitalize on it," The backdrop behind Caroline is almost blinding, it's an annoyingly hot LA day and I want nothing more than to be back in Canada and swimming in lakes with my little sister.

"Caroline, mentally I can't handle a tour with Ellie."

"Mentally, you're gonna have to," She says, getting stern "Your fans either hate each other or they love both of you and feel like their parents have divorced."

I know that I will argue with Caroline for the next hour and threaten to fire her but eventually, she will win, so until then I am preoccupied with thoughts of everything but Ellie, soaking in the last moments I will have until she envelopes my brain and suffocates me from the inside out.

I am sure that with Ellie, I will die before winter comes and I am doubtful that I will ever bloom again.

[our-queer-experience]

I'm a transgender guy. I have known I am trans for a decade now, I have been on testosterone for 6 years, had top surgery 3 years ago, and am now figuring out getting phalloplasty. I'm very comfortable with who I am and my journey but being trans just isn't a big part of my day to day life or thoughts anymore. I haven't been misgendered for probably 3 years now and I often forget I am trans unless I am naked.

But the strange part is that even in my friend group of all gay and trans people, I am completely stealth. I met a couple of them right before I had top surgery and when I was recovering, I just said it was a private surgery and no one seemed to suspect anything. All of them consider me the token cisgender guy. I've gotten good at pretending to be fairly clueless on trans stuff while supporting my trans friends through their own journeys. I never really went out of my way to be stealth but when I first met some of them, one of them referenced me in a way that made it clear they thought I was cis and I realized that I didn't want to correct them.

Lately, I have been having a lot of thoughts and feelings about this though. Part of the reason why I originally leaned into being stealth is that I realized that even in queer spaces I get treated differently if I am seen as cis man vs trans man. My jokes are funnier, my opinions hold more weight, etc., compared to out trans men in the same space. But those reasons aren't specifically why I wanted to be stealth. I think getting treated differently when I am out (in ways that parallel misogyny) made me realize that, even in these spaces, some part of people aren't able to detach my transgenderness from my maleness. That when they think of me, they associate that in some way with the way I was born and that I am not male in the same way as my cis counterparts. And my fear was that if I came out and suddenly got treated differently then I would always be acutely aware of the way that people see me or are conscious of my history and it would bring back the dysphoria and make it hard to socialize again. The difference in treatment I get also makes me sad because even in these places where people try to be openminded and are staunchly feminist there is still some ingrained bias but that's another conversation.

I also have had experiences in the past of fellow trans people assuming things about my experiences or life that made me feel isolated in a different way. It's something that I don't want to go into detail with because it's personal but even just applying stereotypes to me that are inaccurate and make me realize that this person doesn't see who I am.

But over these past 3 years, I have narrowed down a group of friends that I don't think would treat me differently if they knew but I don't know for sure. And I know that once I tell them then I can never go back. In some ways, it would just be easier to stay stealth forever but it is kind of lonely to have this part of me I never share with the people I love. It's not a huge part of me but it is a part of me and I pride myself on being a very forthright person so it sometimes gets to me. Sometimes I want to talk about potentially getting phalloplasty or about funny experiences I have had relating to me being trans. Sometimes when a transmasc friend talks about something they are struggling with related to their identity or transition I want to be able to talk to them about it from a place of experience rather than supporting from the sidelines as an ally. Sometimes I want to be able to openly relate to other trans friends who are farther in their transition about how things change over the years. But I also like how things are and I feel scared to take that leap or wonder if I even should. I have had issues with being outed and harassed in the past and even though I trust all my friends I think a part of me feels like if even one person knows then I will always be afraid they will betray that trust.

And I know this is all immensely privileged. I am very lucky that I pass so well and that I have so many queer friends and even that I benefit from male privilege because of where I am in my life. I am getting to make a choice here that lots of trans people would kill to get to make. I am also not inherently afraid of being treated with subconscious misogynistic biases if I come out but more what that implies and if that would bring back a lot of social dysphoria that I don't really deal with much anymore. I've made a lot of progress in my life and mental health and I think I am just afraid to shatter that and honestly, I also just feel sort of isolated and lonely in this situation but I know from past experiences that being out also can be lonely and isolating in different ways. I think the allure of staying stealth is that at least this way the loneliness is affirming.

That's everything I have been thinking about for the past couple months. I guess I wrote all this to be heard by someone or share this in case there is someone like me who is also going through this. Any advice from anyone is really appreciated since I don't have anyone I can talk to irl who gets it. Thank you for running this blog :)

thank you for sharing!!! you’re always welcome to talk here :]

[vashtijoy]

Extremely random thought but do you think that cringy fanfictions written by preteens who then grew up to be embarassed adults would have never existed in the Marukiverse, considering how that art student who was in a slump was forcibly pivoted to archery instead?

wow, goddamn. I guess you could take it either way, couldn't you? Maruki does seem to think that struggling against the odds isn't worth it, and that depression and discouragement are best treated by giving up.

I do tend to think that Maruki is able to tell what people truly want, to somehow divine it out of their heads, even before 12/24—just because all of the kids get something they really want, even when it's not necessarily obvious. Maruki makes some startling judgements there, but the PTs all seem to agree that they were genuine temptations.

So my reading would tend be that Yusuke's artist friend really did think he might have been happier as an archer, and really did believe there was no hope for him in art—but, just as the PTs all turn down their wishes that they desperately want, Yusuke's friend has chosen not to switch paths, and to stick with his painting despite his slump. Until Maruki happens to him, at any rate.

What I think is more likely is that people who want to write would still write. They just wouldn't ever feel discouraged, or down. They wouldn't go through that phase of realising all their work is cringe. And of course, because Maruki's reality has no pain or challenge or complexity, nobody would ever write anything worth reading.

Which brings me to....

deleted text chat

While I was checking the archery chat, I ran into this deleted chat all about conflicting wishes, and how the very thoughts in people's heads, their ability to feel negative emotions at all, will likely be erased. It's unsettling reading, and confirms a number of theories that go around about what life in Maruki's reality would really have been like, and how he'd likely handle conflicts.

It's SCRIPTCHAT_282, and since it didn't make it into the English localisation, it will have been cut in very early dev. Look out for Akechi chiming in when Ann talks about wishing to get rid of people they don't want around.

Futaba 正月のこと覚えてるか? Do you guys remember New Year? Ryuji そりゃもちろん 嫌でも忘れねーよ… Course we do. There’s no way we could forget that. Futaba わたしのおかーさんいただろ? 春もおとーさんいたよな? My mom was there, right? And Haru’s dad was there too, right? Haru え、うん　いたけど… Uh, yes. I suppose so... Makoto なにかあった? Did something happen? Futaba ちょっと考えてたんだ I was thinking. Futaba 死んじゃった人に会いたいって 思ったら生き返ってたじゃん? If we think about wanting dead people back, they come back to life, right? Futaba んじゃその逆は? って So does it work the other way around? Sumire 逆…ですか The… other way around? Ann いなくなってほしい人に 消えろって願ったら… If we wish for people to disappear, who we don’t want around… Ann ってこと? Is that what you mean? Futaba そ! Yeah! Akechi なかなか面白い考えだね 、どう思う? That’s quite an interesting thought. Ren, what do you make of it? [Joker] 消える気がする I feel like disappearing myself. [Joker] 考え方が変わる It’s changed my perspective. Yusuke だが、誰かが生きてほしいと 願ったらどうなるんだ But then, what would happen if somebody else wished they were still alive? Sumire 一度消えて また現れるんですかね… They’d die, and then reappear again, wouldn’t they..? Ryuji 忙しいな Busy day. Akechi そういう考え自体 が 消えてしまうんじゃないかな You know, even thoughts such as these may die out in the end. Yusuke 自分のか? You mean our own thoughts? Sumire そういうこと考えなくなる ってことですね Do you mean we just wouldn’t think such things any more? Akechi 僕も同意見だな　思考自体を消されると思うよ It does seem likely. I’m afraid thought itself will be erased. Futaba あーなるほど Huh. I see. Haru 負の感情を抱かなくなるのかぁ… So… so we won’t be able to feel bad things any more..? Ann 平和になりそうだけど なんか気味悪いね It’s kind of creepy, isn’t it? We’d get to live in peace, but… Ryuji つか、よくそんな 物騒 なこと思いつくよな You always gotta think of the worst things, don’t you, Futaba? Futaba だってヒマなんだもん It’s because I get bored. Futaba あ、そうじろう帰って来た そんじゃな! Oh, there’s Sojiro! See ya! Yusuke 本当に暇潰しだったのか So this was all just to relieve her boredom? Makoto じゃあ、私たちも 授業に戻りましょう We should all turn back to our lessons, anyway. Morgana 人を生き返らせる、か。認知を使ってそんなことするなんて… Bringing people back to life, huh? Imagine using cognition to do such a thing… Morgana ワガハイには理解できないぜ。 I just can’t understand it.

revision history

Click here for the latest version.

v1.0 (posted 2024/11/30)—first posted.

[cybersugru]

❝ follow you ; nick ruffilo

𖥻 pairing: nick ruffilo x female reader

𖥻 contains: angst, comfort, fluff, +18 contents (mental health issues)

𖥻 warnings: inspired by bring me the horizon's "follow you". swearing but other than that mostly none, except for maybe the not-so-happy ending / english is not my first language

word count — 1.7k

synopsis — healing isn't a linear process and despite your thoughts that tried to convince you otherwise, nick knew that and was willing to hold your hand throughout the whole thing as it was a way of him to try and heal some of his own wounds of guilt. he was willing to do anything for you, as long as he could be with you.

🎀

PERHAPS you should have chosen to be with someone else, someone who didn't have a public life that could directly affect your private one.

as the air began to feel more and more unattainable, and your hands started to intensify their grip on the light grey sheets beneath you, you could swear that something heavy had sat on top of your chest. the thoughts on your mind racing faster than they could be processed properly, the heat and sweat covering your body making it impossible to stay still on that bed and it wasn't until somebody grabbed your wrists while trying to immobilise your legs and calling out your name that you opened your eyes reluctantly, realising it was nothing but a nightmare.

"hey, hey, i's okay, it's me... it was only a bad dream, you're safe." nick's worry was obvious not only in his voice but also lingering on his blue eyes as he looked at you up and down. there were bags under them as well that didn't go unnoticed as it made you wonder if nick was already awake when the nightmare began. if that was the case, why was he awake this late? once he saw your breathing calming down, he let go of your wrists and your legs that he held onto whilst waking you, so you wouldn't hurt yourself with all the fighting you were putting up in your sleep.

"i'm sorry" you mumbled with a weak and confused voice before glancing to your side at the clock on the bedside table. it was 2:30 in the morning and you probably woke your neighbours up screaming. "you can go back to sleep, i'll go make myself some coffee."

brushing your fingers through your hair, after taking a deep breath, you decided to get up from the bed you two were supposed to share every night only to find his side of it untouched. nick hadn't gone to bed with you. but, despite the pang in your chest that came with the realisation, you said nothing about it and continued with your task to head downstairs towards the kitchen.

the bassist argued internally whether or not he should stop you from leaving or if he should respect your desire for space. seeing the person who brought light into his life, like no one ever did before, so low and lost in herself broke his heart in places he didn't even know was possible; even more so considering nick thought of himself as responsible for the pain eating you from the inside out. if he wasn't in your life, none of this would be happening and you'd be a thousand times happier than you were now with him. all the memories from before, of good times, were constantly being suffocated by the fog of the recent events that pushed your relationship to hang by a thread that thinned more each day.

nick watched as you left the room without uttering a single word. he untied his long dark hair and allowed it to cover his face much like a waterfall capable of momentarily hide his anguish.

ignoring the guileful thoughts, he began his path to find you — caring for you was more important than anything else in his life at the moment, more important even than the band or his career, simply because without you he couldn't play like he knew he was capable of.

you sat by the kitchen counter, your back facing him but nick could tell you had your hands on each side of your face — just like you usually did when anxiety got the best of you. the smell of coffee invaded his senses and for a second he thought about pouring himself a cup for he knew he wouldn't sleep at all that night. or any night as long as this ghost stood between the two of you.

"talk to me, angel" the bassist's voice was cut out by one of your cats that meowed to get your attention while looking up at you from the ground until you pat your lap allowing him to sit there. for a second, ruffilo smirked. "please. i'm worried about you."

hearing his call for you made you shift your focus from the furry thing on your lap to your boyfriend who now stood across from you with the counter between you. "what do you want me to say, nick? i mean this honestly: what exactly do you want me to say?"

you blinked away the few tears in your eyes as they connected with his blue ones; once the kindest eyes you had ever seen in your life now carried a sense of sadness and somewhat of a heavy burden. "i just want to know how i can help you. seeing you like this– it's fucking killing me."

"you don't want to know what i am thinking right now. trust me. i'm trying to protect you and save this relationship."

"by pushing me away? how the fuck is pushing me away saving this relationship?" his voice wasn't loud and ruffilo most definitely wasn't yelling at you, instead, he was desperately trying to find an answer; ideally, one that excluded him from the guilt consuming him, even if he didn't know about that desire in him. "i don't want you to push me away, i want to be with you. whatever comes your way. you're the most important thing i have, angel."

"oh, really?" you chuckled and took a sip of your coffee. "didn't really seem like it when those things were happening and you didn't say anything to them."

as soon as those words left your mouth, you regretted them: that was too cruel of you to say. but you said it anyway and now couldn't take it back even if you tried. closing your eyes, you let out a deep sigh and shook your head. "i'm sorry, ruffi... i didn't mean it like that."

the musician looked to the side, poking his cheek with his tongue and staring at the landscape outside the kitchen window before turning his tired gaze back at you. he understood where you were coming from and for that reason, he couldn't be angry at you for lashing out, especially because you had been bottling everything up for the last six months — refusing to talk about your mental struggles to anybody, hoping it would all magically go away. it wasn't your best life choice, but you were scared to talk about what was happening and be judged. you were taking one blow after another and still tried your best to not take it out on nick. one way or another, though, he saw everything, he saw you wasting away with each nasty comment directed your way. and he hated himself for being the reason why that happened to you.

afraid that your emotions would upset your cat, you gave him a little kiss on top of his head and put him down on the floor.

"you're right." ruffilo nodded as the voice in his head cursed him in a thousand different ways. "it was– it is my fault. i should've been a better boyfriend, a better partner. you needed support and protection and i didn't give any of that to you when you needed most."

tears came back almost immediately to your eyes upon hearing his apology. you were frustrated, you weren't mad at him — a part of you also understood his side of things. still, you were hurt and with pain came anger. "i never wanted to drag you through this madness... you've always been so good to me. it's just that this is destroying me, all those years in therapy improving my mental health only for that to just go down the drain."

as you let out a faint sarcastic laugh between the tears, nicholas went around the counter in a rush and so, quickly, he was standing right in front of you. with those gentle hands of his — despite the callouses on them from being a musician —, he cupped both your cheeks, wiping away your tears dry with his thumbs. the blue in his eyes carried more worry than ever.

"it is my fault, angel, i own my mistakes. they're fans of the band i'm in, it was my responsibility to make it clear i hated what they were doing to you, what they were saying and i didn't because i was fucking weak and i'm sorry that i wasn't the man you deserve." ruffilo admired your features as if you were a work of art handmade specifically for him. that devotion only made the guilt worse. you looked up at him with eyes glistening due to the remaining tears and his heart broke a bit more before he leaned towards you to place a soft kiss against your lips. "there's nothing you should feel sorry for... i would go to hell for you, my angel. i love you so much and i don't think i can be away from you. don't go, please"

touching and kissing you like george knightley did emma, the brunette man wanted nothing but to take away all the pain in you caused by the maniac fans of his that went lunatic once they discovered your relationship: what was so special about her? what was it about her that made nick ruffilo fall in love with someone so... bland? those were the kinds of questions that made them feel entitled to destroying your privacy, tearing your mental health apart and turning your love for nick into resentment for what your life had become since you moved in with him six months prior. on his end, ruffilo began to dislike doing the one thing he loved most other than tattooing and as much as he knew it was a very small part of his fans that created this mess, he couldn't help but distance himself from them as a whole. how couldn't he?

"i'm not going anywhere, ruffi" you whispered, brushing a strand of his dark hair that fell over his eye and tucking it behind his ear before caressing his cheeks like he had done to yours. "i just need time... i needed to know you wouldn't leave me alone dealing with this stuff."

he immediately shook his head and furrowed his thick brows. "woman, for christ's sake. i'd let my whole life burn before leaving you. i'll follow you wherever you go."

[zagreusapollyon]

Thank you @rosabell14 for reminding me how much I despise Rick's portrayal of the hunters.

Good God where do I even start!?

Let's start with my girl Zoe, and look I love her, but I cannot bring myself to forget the blatant way she SPECIFICALLY chose Bianca to be on the quest.

It was obvious as hell that she chose her because:

She just got recruited, she has no bond with Zoe or other members of the hunt, therefore if they lose her, she wouldn't feel that guilty or upset about it.

Strategically, she's also inexperienced, by sacrificing her, they are preserving more precious and useful members of the hunt who have more experience in battle and teamwork. By losing Bianca, she is essentially losing NOTHING, because if she's lost, then they're just gonna be back to the way they were before.

She also does the bare minimum to protect her on the quest, mostly ignoring her for the most part. There is no scene where she tries to help Bianca learn or give her pointers to her, to, you know, NOT DIE!?

Might be harsh from me, but I put half of the blame of Bianca's death on her. Bianca was her responsibility, and Zoe is not a teenager, she is thousands of years old and has been in the hunt for many years. Yes, Bianca should have not touched anything, but she's a kid and the responsibility of kids on the assigned guardian.

Look, I know why Zoe did why she did, she's a human like the rest of us, but her feelings are an explanation for what she did, not a justification.

Next is Artemis.

I get why she offered Bianca a place in the hunt, but at the very least she could have let her also see camp before offering her that, especially because she has a little brother which she loves. I can't really say much about her considering that Percy got kicked out of the tent before we could hear what she was saying to Bianca.

The next thing is the hunters characterization over all.

I cannot stand the way they act in camp. I'm sorry Rick, but you CAN like girly things and still be a warrior, liking pink isn't gonna stop me from punching someone in the face and shattering their jaw.

Why would you make the hunters look down on the Aphrodite kids because of that? If I like more feminine stuff, it isn't gonna decrease my capability as a person, it doesn't make me less.

The hunters, even in the myths, weren't just a man-hating group, they have had male members before, like that one guy Artemis went to hell and back to resurrect after he got killed by a sea monster.

Thank you for coming to my ramblings.

[curiositydoorunlocked]

The Recent News

Spoilers ahead for Stranger Things 5, including photos of actors on set.

Look, something about all this (the leak + the photo situation) feels… fishy, and I can see people in various tags are getting various levels of upset by it. So as someone who has been around the block a couple of times, I want to say something. 

First of all: hi, everyone! I’m glad to be here. I’ve been a fan of ST since early-mid 2020 and involved in the fandom since mid-late 2020 (on other accounts, which have since been deleted), so I feel at least marginally qualified to say what I’m going to say. That being said, I drifted away from the fandom before S5 filming began and haven't watched the show in a while; if I get anything wrong please feel free to correct me.

First I want to talk about Bridgerton S3. I closely followed that production in 2022 and 2023. Like Stranger Things, Bridgerton is a high-budget Netflix original show with a large cast, lots of public interest, an active fandom, and what I would call "special considerations" for filming. (In Bridgerton's case it's the historical element; in ST it's the sci-fi/fantasy element plus the historical element, albeit to a lesser degree.) They filmed for a shorter period of time than ST5 is expected to film for, yes, but many of the circumstances are/were similar. That brings me to my point: when Bridgerton S3 was filming, the best we got from the main cast was a handful of photos a) taken from relatively far away that b) did not spoil anything major. Luckily for us, the photos were clear, but in the end they didn't really amount to anything more than eye candy, something to get excited over.

In contrast, these photos from the ST5 set are clear, close, and most importantly reveal seemingly significant story beats/results. (Okay, the Mike and Hopper one isn't super close or clear, I'll give ya that. But it's still pretty damn close for a set that's supposedly locked down! Especially if they're filming a scene possibly related to a major character's death/disappearance!) Kinda odd, right? I'm not necessarily saying they were leaked on purpose to misdirect fans, because I'm not that confident in myself. I don’t have any insider/industry knowledge; I can only claim a healthy (perhaps too healthy?) level of skepticism. But I do want to put that possibility out there, because I think it’s an important one to consider.

“But wait,” you might say, “many parts of S4 were leaked, and leaked accurately at that. What’s to say these aren’t real too?”

That’s a fair point! Maybe production hasn’t learned their lesson from S4; maybe they’re truly terrible at preventing leaks and that’s the end of the story. Yes, they’ve spoken a little about security measures in the lead-up to S5 but that doesn’t mean those security measures were implemented well, or even at all.

Even keeping that in mind, I nonetheless implore everyone to chill the hell out. I say this again, with so much love: CHILL THE HELL OUT. This has happened before: even with the accurate leaks and clear photos we got during S4 filming, we lacked so much context. Mike and El’s “I love you” scene is a great example of this. There was quite the brouhaha over that leak in certain corners of the fandom… and yet the actual scene turned out nothing like the phrase “Mike finally says ‘I love you’ to El” implies. Another example are these photos (see above; my apologies for the poor quality!) of the Hawkins group in the parking lot of The War Zone. When those photos were leaked, I recall speculation that the scene would appear at the very end of the finale, that it related to an apocalypse situation, and so on, but not so! In the show it appeared before the final battle with Vecna: the town was in a panic, yeah, but no apocalypse.

That’s what I mean about chilling the hell out. We can’t assume the photos/leaks are genuine—and even if we did indulge that assumption (which is fair given production’s history!) we can’t assume we have the whole story.

Hang in there, folks. We survived S4 production and we’ll survive S5 production too :)

TL;DR: Hi, I’m new and also not new here. I made this account just to talk about this photo/leak situation because that’s how passionate I am about this godforsaken show. This is a little weird, but whether the leaks/photos are real or planted, stay calm. We know so little right now. Don’t waste your energy on blind panic, not when we still have another year(ish) to go.

[bbyvrtx]

This is where we part 2/2

Part 3 of Vance Hopper X Reader | Friends to Enemies | Warnings: (slight mention) Not eating, self-neglecting, Cursing, ANGSTY ANGST, A/N: I've made this a lot longer cause- yeah.

Vance Hopper POV It has been 3 weeks since I had last spoken to them. I fucked up.. I really did. I see them walk past the Grab N' Go everyday, sometimes they even come in and get a snack or something to drink.

Their face looked so numb, so hurt. And knowing that it was ME who made them like that, made me angry with myself.

I usually don't care that I hurt others feelings, but with Y/n it was different. Something about them screams "I care" or "It's okay Vance". Now all i hear is "Fuck you", "I wish I never met you", "You hurt me, now I will forget you exist"

Did they actually forget I exist?...

Late that day in the school hallway, I saw Y/n walking my direction.

Did they just.. wave?

I go to wave back, that's when two kids with brown hair wave back. Shit

That was fucking embarrassing...

When Y/n walked past me, they didn't even acknowledge me. As if I wasn't there- even bumped into my shoulder.. and didn't apologize. If it was anyone else, I would have bashed their head into the locker repeatedly. But it was Y/n... The only person I- kinda liked being around. And MY dumbass had to go fuck it up. No..

They had to be in the wrong too!.. Right? getting in my face. asking that question.

I like them.. but do I... Like- Like them?

Fuck Vance.. Get yourself together..

Y/N POV

Pfft- he thinks i waved at him??. After what he did? Really? Jeez-

"Hey, Finney. Hey Gwen!" I shout to them, walking their direction. As I do that, I bump into Vance. Shit.

I tense up slight, thinking he's gonna do something. I accepted my fate.

I was going to die if he called me out on it. I didn't want to speak to him. I didn't want to acknowledge him. But when he just huffed then walked away. It made me feel a little bad..

No. pull your fucking self together Y/n.

He said shit to you, that he knew would hurt you. He didn't care... Did he?

Random POV

Y/n and the Blake siblings walked to class together. Gwen parted off to go to her class, and you walked with Finney to ya'lls class. Y/n knew about Finney's bullies. They knew that they picked on Finney in the boys bathroom. Finney asked Y/n how they knew, Y/n simply said that Robin told them.

"Jeez.." FInney mumbled. "Hey.. look on the bright side, Finn. As long as me and Robin are here, they wont fuck with you. And if Robin isn't here, I'm sure I will be. We got your back, Finney." Y/n told him, It made him feel a little better.. considering he didn't really know how to fight, on the other hand. Y/n and Robin try teaching him when they can.

"Thanks Y/n/n" Finney gives them a half smile as he parts off to his seat in the classroom and y/n does the same.

Moose was sitting behind Y/n in the classroom. He'd kick the back of their chair every now and then. He even had the guts to grab a pair of scissors and cut a piece of Y/n's hair. Y/n felt their hair being touched so they turned around and saw Moose with a shit eating grin with both the scissors and a piece of their hair.

Y/n saw black, then the next thing they knew, the teacher was pulling them off Moose's unconscious body with tears running down their face. "Fuck you, you goddamn cocksucker!"

(time skip to lunch/detention)

Y/n huffed as they sat down in one of the chairs in the classroom. That's where they saw Robin. "What you in for?" Robin asked, sitting down next to them.

"Y'know.. the usual." Y/n said with a nod which made Robin laugh softly. After a good long silence, Robin speaks up. "I hear about what happened with you and Vance." Y/n's eyes cut at him, the glare sharp enough to cut paper. A warning; "Don't go there right now"

Robin caught the hint and nodded.

"Did you bring anything for lunch?" Robin asked. Y/n shook their head. "I'll grab something on the way home." Robin nodded. He thought about giving y/n some of his food, but he knew how they get when people ask them if they want something. Usually y/n would be all on it. But today- y/n just didn't feel hungry.

"I'm okay Robin. Really" Y/n had noticed then Robin was in deep thought.

They talked some more, then they hear the door open, great..

it was the one and only, Vance Hopper.

The teacher told Vance to take a seat, he did... in the back of the class.

Through-out detention, the two of them would be caught looking at each other.

(bell rings/time skip)

Y/n is walking home, today they decided to take the long way to their house, and saw there we're two cars in the driveway. "Fuck.. he's not supposed to be home yet." Y/n thought to themself...

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP, 25. Feeling pretty lost in life. After a long battle with mental illness (runs in the family, I'm surrounded by people that as of now don't want to go to therapy and keep reliving the same patterns, hurting everyone who hasn't gone through the process I've - THANK GOODNESS - gone through thanks to therapy and medication), I find myself unemployed, without friends, without money, still studying for my degree (I'm almost finished though) and for the first time seeing things so, so clearly.

I wasted most of my teenage years trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head, battling anorexia, depression and social anxiety - and the latter still has a big impact on the way I speak to people since words don't come to my head, plus depression really wrecked my memory and it can take a whole 20 minutes for me to remember a specific name that I wanted to bring up in a conversation. I feel like I'm cooked.

I don't hate myself nor I feel like I have low self-esteem; actually, I really like who I am when given the time and emotional space to make my true self and inner creativity shine. I think I could give a lot to people but because of a general lack of understanding of common references cause I was detached from everything most of my life and I've missed them all, I tend to be perceived as cringe/weird/naive/childish and none of my conversations are surviving past the first week.

I'm really trying hard to develop my vocabulary, catching up with tv shows characters or even basic history references, but it feels like a huge toll of notions that I can't possibly internalize in such a short amount of time. These people dedicated years (consciously or not) to common knowledge, their family members had culture and raised them to be curious about the world - I'm only now waking up and looking at the world for the first time, with the intention of developing my social and verbal skills.

Basically I need to step up my life and I don't feel like it's working cause everyone can tell I'm so behind and I'm not up their standards - especially in my age range, and considering my economic state. Whenever they ask "what's your job" or "what's your favorite music genre" and I can't really give them an answer to either, I feel ashamed. I know it's not my fault, I had to survive violence and ignorance growing up and I was never given the time to discover who I am or to become a functioning member of society or even feel "safe" enough to try ANYTHING, so yeah, I do have self-compassion, I guess - but others seem like they don't, and I'm so slow when I speak, I'm so slow when I wanna come up with a joke and in a social setting everyone looks at each other like they think I'm stupid.

Is there any advice you can give me? I know I can make it. I am exactly like everyone else, I can develop the same abilities and have a good future. Am I right? Or is this just some lie I'm telling myself? Am I deluded? Will people always look down on me and avoid me altogether?

--------------------

I'm not in a position to tell you that you're lying to yourself; it's something you need to determine through honest self-reflection. There's nothing wrong with talking yourself up in order to motivate yourself to do better. It's also a good thing to try to focus more on the positive aspects of life, especially when you have a history of getting stuck in negativity or narrow-mindedness. This would certainly help you with Ne development, which should be an ongoing project.

As far as I can tell, the root of the problem you're describing isn't psychological but social. Not everything in life is under our control. In fact, studies have consistently revealed that people are far more influenced by their social environment than they care to admit. You don't get to choose which family you're born into. As a child, you have no say in which neighborhood, city, or country you live in. Yet, upbringing, community, and culture are three major factors that influence the trajectory of your life, everyone's life.

If you're unlucky, you grow up experiencing a painful mismatch of personality and environment. And it is down to luck. You shouldn't fault yourself for accidents of birth. And you also can't really fault the "environment" because it's not really a conscious entity that intentionally sets out to harm people. Although the social environment is created by the people comprising it, it's not within any given individual's power to change or control it. This is why, historically, you see people migrate far from home, in search of better environments with better opportunities.

You're young and, because of your upbringing, you didn't really get a chance to participate properly in the world. This means you haven't really experienced firsthand just how big the world can be. There is such a diversity of people, places, and culture in the world, which I take to mean that there's a place for every person. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will allow you to be your true self. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will help bring out the best in you and allow you to contribute the best of yourself.

However, that place may or may not be where you were born and raised. When you feel like you don't fit in despite all your best efforts, it might help to ask whether this is really the place you're meant to be and the people you're meant to be associated with...

I've known a lot of immigrants in my lifetime, so I have taken part in many complicated discussions about how to fit in, culturally. Some people find it easier to pick up mainstream culture as they go, looking up references and remembering them as necessary. Some people like to be more prepared and put effort into studying cultural history. I've had a lot of people ask me for help getting to know western culture's most important artists, writers, books, musicians, songs, movies, and tv shows by decade.

It used to be easier to learn cultural knowledge when media was more centralized. Nowadays, people are more siloed, ironically because of social media. Subcultures abound, appearing and disappearing with short-lived social media trends. In today's chaotic media landscape, trying to keep up with the latest cultural trends isn't really worth the energy anymore because collective memory has become so short. What's the point of remembering a meme or viral event when most people will have forgotten it a month later?

What is one to do when faced with this kind of information overload? There are two helpful strategies that go together:

(1) Narrow Your Focus

One reason people are so interested in cultural knowledge is because culture is an important avenue of self-discovery. Have you ever noticed that when they put together a boy/girl band, they find four or five guys/gals with very different and distinct personalities? They're hoping to ensure that teenage listeners will find at least one band member to relate to on a deeper level. It's a way to cover all the bases and maximize the chances of turning someone into a fan. While it sounds like a cynical and calculated ploy, it's actually an important way for teenagers to learn more about their own likes/dislikes, in contrast to others.

One could argue that the reason we have so many genres in music, movies, tv shows, and literature is because of the diversity of human beings. We're all born with a personality that we express in our own unique way, which means we all have a propensity to like and dislike certain things. As much as I've tried to get into death metal, I just can't seem to resonate with it. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not out there trying to stop other people from appreciating it. We are all entitled to our personal tastes.

You're hoping that by learning more cultural knowledge, some of those factoids will eventually pay off during a social interaction. But what are the odds that they will? Pretty low because it's too random. Is it really worth the energy spent in remembering all that information only for a small portion of it to come in handy at some random time in the future? Sure, there are people who have a head for remembering trivia, but if you're not one of them, it quickly becomes a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

But wastefulness aside, cramming yourself full of factoids isn't a good strategy for two reasons. Firstly, when learning is motivated solely by a desire to obtain external rewards (e.g. approval or money), people don't tend to achieve true mastery or genuine appreciation of the subject matter. In other words, it's a shallow way of learning that doesn't help memory retention, as you're finding out. Secondly, doing something just to impress others is basically contorting yourself to conform with other people's expectations. This doesn't help you learn about yourself, quite the opposite, it takes you farther and farther away from yourself, which is why it doesn't feel right.

While we often associate identity formation with adolescence, the fact is that learning about who you really are is a lifelong task. Thus, the question isn't about when you started (early or late), it's more about whether you're using a good approach that actually gets you incrementally closer to the truth of who you really are.

If participation in culture is an important pathway for learning about oneself, what you should be doing is exploring different aspects of culture to learn about potential likes, dislikes, interests, and hobbies. For example, you're not going to know whether you like horror movies until you watch a few. But once you've watched a representative sample of the genre and realize you don't like it, let it go and move onto something else.

It's almost as though you believe you have to know everything so that you can relate to anyone. I don't think this is a good or efficient socializing strategy, unless you love researching and have a great memory. You need to accept the fact that you're not going to be friends with everyone. It's okay that you're more compatible with some people more than others.

To improve your chances of social success, you have to know what you're looking for and how to find it. When you go fishing, you don't just throw a hook in the water and hope for the best, right? You have to use the right kind of bait. In the context of relationships, "bait" refers to the things that attract people to each other. One of the best and fastest ways of connecting with people is through common interests. However, this pathway won't be available to you as long as your interests aren't genuine or you haven't developed them properly.

(2) Prioritize Quality (Over Quantity)

One reason people feel easily inundated with too much information is lack of critical thinking skills. Critical thinking helps you sort through information and evaluate its quality. It's like learning how to quickly spot the rare diamonds amongst the pile of cheap shiny jewels. This also helps with the first point of narrowing your focus.

When you have a better idea of what you like or find intriguing, you open up opportunities to dig deeper and nurture a more sophisticated appreciation of the subject, to refine your tastes. A like/interest (feeling) can be transformed into an edifying intellectual pursuit (skill). But this can only happen if you value learning for its growth potential and not just for the social approval it might bring.

You seem a bit too concerned with how people judge you as a "weirdo". It could be the case that you've met some nasty people. But it could also be the case that you're projecting because you low-key feel ashamed of being "behind" in your development.

There's nothing wrong with being ignorant when it happens through no fault of your own. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing everything and we don't all have equal opportunity to learn what we need to know. It's pointless and illogical to compare yourself to others when you didn't begin life at the same starting line. And being human means having blind spots. Ignorance only becomes problematic when it is willful, that is, a person denies their ignorance and refuses to remedy it with proper learning. Given your motivation to learn, it's clear that you're not stuck in a state of willful ignorance, so there is nothing to feel ashamed about.

On occasion, people come to me asking about a psychology book they've read, only for me to break the bad news to them that it's a terrible book, full of misinformation. Should they then walk away and give up out of embarrassment? I sure hope not. I hope that they would learn to choose their learning resources more carefully.

The trouble with being a newbie is that you don't yet know enough to separate out the good stuff from the junk. To counter this, instead of becoming too reliant on one resource, communicate with a wide variety of people who seem to exhibit more knowledge than you. Eventually, you'll get a better feel for the quality of the knowledge. For example, if most experts are in general agreement, then you've probably stumbled upon trustworthy information. But when nobody can seem to agree on what the "truth" is, then be more careful.

Following from that, instead of slinking away in shame when you're caught not knowing something that seemingly "everybody should know", why not just be honest about not having had the chance to learn and welcome the person to enlighten you? Allow yourself to be humbly schooled. I can't tell you the amount of useful information I've picked up by simply letting people go on and on about their passions and interests.

Doing this could also take a lot of pressure off you, in terms of having the opportunity to: 1) sit back, relax, and listen, 2) learn and absorb information in a more natural setting, and 3) get some valuable tips about which direction to take your learning and where to find quality sources of information to speed up your learning. You might even get inspired to pursue something new and interesting.

The concept of "quality" also applies to people. Every person is a mixture of positive and negative qualities, but some people exhibit more of their negative qualities. When you meet people like that, it is fine to feel repelled and get away from them. But don't then overreact and overgeneralize and believe that everyone is bad.

If the people you're interacting with are truly judgmental jerks, it's better to find out sooner so that you don't end up in a toxic relationship. You truly like yourself? Then wear it proudly. Be open, authentic, and transparent about who you are and the struggles you've been through. Observe how willing people are to accept all of you. This should help you quickly separate out the good from the bad eggs. A good person should be:

empathetic and compassionate

willing to give you the benefit of the doubt

inclined to see and acknowledge the good in you

curious rather than judgmental

sensitive and accommodating, within reason

Every place has its good and bad people, and meeting new people is luck of the draw. When you meet bad people, there's no need to waste time with blame or anger. It's their problem, not yours. Simply walk away and keep looking for good people. And if your social environment isn't overflowing with your kind of people, you might have to migrate to a new and better environment.

Generally speaking, the process of improving yourself and your life goes a lot more smoothly when you know how to tune out noise and keep focused on your main goals.

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

Why I consider Miguel replacing his own self so bad?

Originally this was going to be a response to a post someone else did, but then I feel I was being mean to people just enjoying a character, so I repurposed it. Is funny because before that post I wasn't planning on doing this but that one got the words out of me somehow.

As disclaimer; I don't think there is anything wrong with liking Miguel, or any character of this movie. It doesn't matter what Miguel may or may not had done in this movie, or if your headcanons and ideas align with how he is in canon or not.

I also feel that regardless of what I think it went down in this situation, I can't call Miguel evil; I would have some words about what I think later in this post, but I don't think when he did what he did he was doing it because ~evil~

With all that out of the way, let's start with this:

The way he talks about the ordeal makes me uneasy.

You know why I find this unsettling? That this is about himself.

I understand that Miguel is narrating this story from his perspective, and is about his mistake, so by that, you wouldn't need to bring up anyone else. You can even make the argument it may be too painful for him if you want.

So why I still have a problem?

Because the narration isn't the only problem I have with this, in fact, what I find the most disturbing, is the following part.

Here is my thing...Don't you find odd how quickly he found out about this?

Think about it; it would be weird that he was just looking on the Multiverse, saw a version of himself with a nice, happy family, and just at that moment that person got killed, so he step in.

I had seen someone made the argument that he did what did because he was thinking of Gabby, however, nothing on his demeanour or words makes me think this was about anyone that wasn't himself.

Let's go back to those pics.

Want to know why I posted two that are basically the same? Because what's important is Miguel's face.

He is completely stoic.

We see Miguel seeing the body at the same time the mugger is running away, this makes me believe it was implied he watched at least the guy get away. But when Miguel appears on the screen, it is already watching the image, it doesn't make me think he just popped up the screen and saw it play at the moment he got killed.

Much less because he looks so calm, like he was expecting this to happen.

I don't know how much Miguel can see in future events, I believe there is some capacity because he said to Miles that his dad will die in two days. That may be because is when he becomes a Captain and his words are more speculation than actual confirmation. It could also be that at that moment he didn't have the means to look into it.

But all this footage makes me believe he saw his other self try to do the right thing, get killed, and then came in.

This wasn't about preserving the canon, this is in theory, before he knew how "canon works" (because he affirms the universe collapsed because he try to take the place of someone who was suppose to die. At least that was the impression it gave me.) So is not like there was any reason to not step in and help him.

This is going into speculation territory, so feel free to say this is a reach, but...was there really no way to save the other Miguel?

It gave me the impression the guy used just one bullet, unless is in specific places, normally one bullet wouldn't be enough. More important, Miguel is from the future, his world can make travel to the moon as if it is just going on the highway; are you telling me that if Miguel wanted to help to save this guy's life, was there really nothing he could?

Like sure, he doesn't need to, this isn't this problem and not his story, he shouldn't interfere.

Except that he did, to replace him.

And that's why I consider his initial speech so disturbing.

Let me put all together what Miguel said:

"I found a world where I had a family. Where I was happy. And that version of myself was killed. So I replace him. I thought it was harmless."

This entire discourse is about himself, with no real thought put into how Gabby, or anyone else may feel. Miguel keeps saying "family," which makes me think it was more than just Gabby, since I don't see why he wouldn't just say daughter if it was only her. That being say I am praying that I am wrong.

My heart really breaks for the other Miguel, he just wanted to do the right thing, he didn't have any powers or special abilities but he still try to help this lady that he probably didn't even know.

And what he got?

That his family will not mourn him, that none of his love ones would go to his funeral (I doubt there was one.) That the people who loved him can't even begin to deal with the mourning process.

Because Miguel, wanted a family.

I am sorry, but I can't help to feel this was en egoistic action when literally there is no mention of ever thinking of anyone that wasn't him; you can try to argue that the "harmless" part also included every other person who knew that Miguel, since they now don't need to go through the pain of a funeral.

But Miguel wasn't that Miguel, if there is something the multi-verse has shown us, is that different versions of a character don't need to be the same, in fact is not odd to not be.

I mentioned this in the past, but if I feel my boyfriend was acting odd, and then discover that he got replaced by another version of himself, just because this one wanted to have a partner- It makes my blood boil; I would personally feel outraged.

Because it should be my decision, which is removed completely of the equation because someone decided they knew me better than me, so they could take decisions on my behalf.

And if I heard him talk, and realize all he ever mentioned was about him and what he wanted? Oh that's one easy slap to the face minimum.

I don't think Miguel had nefarious intentions by doing this, the problem is that he does the thing he literally does the rest of the movie: Assume his idea is the right call, no think twice about asking anyone's opinion, and then blame it on something else when things start to go south.

(If you want an easy example: Literally blaming Gwen for the fiasco with Miles, as if the guy didn't literally scared Miles off when Peter was THIS close to making him go with him.)

Hope anyone liked it! If you did, please consider either commissioning me or donating to my ko-fi, and if not please reblog!

Have a good night.

[brandwhorestarscream]

I am very interested in the Transformers One cybermorph AU. And how D-16 and Orion (and B and Elita) react to the discovery.

Because Orion would not abandon D for anything at this point. B probably has no idea what a Cybermorph is, and Elita might know, but with all the other lies Sentinel told, who knows what the truth actually is.

But Alpha Trion is, of course, right there...

Wheee someone else shares my interest (งᐛ)ว I'm thinking that, in this situation, those under Sentinel's rule don't know about the morphs. They appeared very late in the war, and perhaps their emergence could've helped pave the way for Sentinel's betrayal. Orion and friends are completely blindsided by their existence >:)

Consider: D-16 who is Queen Mother Galvatron's lost little morphling, displaced during the war somehow 🤭 without his cog he's stuck in permanent root mode, and has no idea what he is. Neither does anyone else, save for one person 👀 it's Sentinel, he knows and has been holding onto him as a last ditch effort bargaining chip to use against the hive

Godddd im just thinking about the angst, Dee's already horrified and sickened by everything he found out about Sentinel, then Alpha Trion grants them their cogs and the alt mode he finds waiting for him is one of those things. Idk exactly when, but at some point during their journey they saw morphs in all of their terrifying glory.

In the movie where he fired his very first shot from his cannon, blasting that vehicon (press f for steve), that's instead switched out for him leaping onto the drone and tearing it apart with his teeth and claws akin to the vicious mauling attacks of the neomorphs, screeching and chittering threateningly in a language he doesn't understand ("BACK OFF MY HIVE!" He shrieks in morphspeak. "OFF! AWAY! MINE!"

Then he hears B-127 make a strangled noise and the scrambling of pedes, and he looks up and sees the other three staring at him in mild horror and disgust. He flinches back, drawing up to his full height, and finally looks down at himself--before backpedalling in shock himself because no no no no no, this can't be- this isn't happening- he's not- he can't be-!

His back hits a trees and he pounds a panicked fist into his chest once, twice, "Get it off get it off getitoff!" tone panicky by the third hit. He wants to be back in root mode, now, and finally that seems to do it. He shifts back down to his original form, and touches his face anxiously, observing his fingers and feeling his denta, razor sharp a moment ago but now flat. "I- I'm me?!" He asks, sounding strangled. "I- I'm still me- I- I'm still-"

"...Dee-" he looks up, startled, chassis heaving in fast, shallow gasps. He finds Orion in front of him, expression full of concern, brows upturned and mouth pressed into a thin line. "Dee, what... how... wh-why didn't you ever tell me?!"

"Tell you?! I didn't know myself until just now- don't look at me like that, th-this is a big shock for me too!" he has his arms wrapped around himself as if he could physically hold himself together. His optics flit from Orion to the other two behind him. Standing a safe distance away, and looking tense. Ready to run.

"Ok, so," Elita one refuses to let her hands shake, so she hops from foot to foot to work off the nervous energy, trying to appear ready. "What, are we, you know. Going to do?"

"We're taking this to Iacon-"

"Not that," she swats Pax's shoulder. "I mean about," her optics flick over toward D-16 meaningfully. "Him."

"Uh, I'm right here-"

"What do you mean, Elita?" Orion shifts closer to D-16. "I don't... why wouldn't he come with us?"

"Because he's one of them?! You want to bring one of those things straight to Iacon?!"

"I am right here-"

"Elita, what- he's not like them, he's- Dee and I, we've all been fri-"

"Ap-pup-pup!" She thrusts a silencing finger in his face. "Pax I have been extremely forgiving up til now, I didn't scrap you when you got me fired, I didn't slag you when you got me thrown off a train, I didn't even slag you or bigmouth back here when you dragged me onto this stupid quest. I am not, under any circumstances, letting you bring a morph to Iacon City!"

"I am RIGHT HERE!" D-16 suddenly bellows. "Stop acting like I'm not here! If you have a problem say it to my face!"

"Maybe I will!" Elita growls. "I don't know what you are exactly but I saw what your little brothers and sisters did back there, I am not gonna let you do the same thing to our home!"

"It's my home too, or did you forget that?! You're older than me, you were there the day I... came..." the silver mech's face suddenly goes slack, and he straightens up from the slight hunch he'd entered so they could yell at each other face to face. "Online. Wait..." a trouble shadow slides across his expression. "Did I come online? Or, was I... did I..."

If he's a cybermorph, then... that means he wasn't constructed cold. From the little they know, morphs are a techno-organic species. They can't be constructed cold. Where did he come from, then? From who did he come from? How did he come to be in Iacon in the first place?

[anamericangirl]

I'm sure you've gotten this question before so I hope I'm not bothering you and I apologize if this isn't articulated very well.

What do you think of Project 2025?

I've looked into it and it seems that the consensus on the right is that it's a Think Tank document and the consensus on the left is that democracy will 100% end and we're not going to have any rights anymore.

The main reason I'm asking this is because my best friend is center-left and is genuinely convinced America is going to collapse to the point where she's considering moving somewhere else entirely. She's making herself paranoid and depressed over it. I've tried my best to comfort her but ever since she's found out about it, she's been spiraling into full panic mode and it's all she talks about. I'm sad and nervous for her and I don't know what to do.

I consider myself center-right politically. I personally don't think our rights are going to be taken away, but I will admit that her paranoia is rubbing off on me a little due to how much she talks about it, and how much it clearly scares her. I'm completely lost on how to calm her down since she originally brought it up out of nowhere (and I'm not very good at dealing with stressed people, to be honest - I've never seen her like this). I'm trying to remain neutral when I talk to her purely because the truth is that we have no idea what's going to happen in the future, and if something does, we'll deal with it (which is what I told her when she first told me about it). Because she's already made up her mind that this country is doomed, she hasn't considered any alternative possibility and I haven't even tried to say anything else other than what I previously mentioned. It's more or less, "Wait for the future to pan out (because I know you won't listen if I even suggest that this isn't going to happen").

I might get flak from people but from what I've read on your blog, you seem to know what you're talking about, so I was hoping you had some advice? Thank you, either way.

Hi you’re not bothering me at all :)

You are correct that our rights are not going to be taken away. And even if Project 2025 was a plan to take rights away from people it doesn’t matter because Project 2025 isn’t happening. It’s nothing more than a conservative wish list that the left is creating a boogeyman out of because they have nothing else. Trump isn’t associated with it and it’s not his agenda.

Your friend is paranoid and freaking out about it because she is just listening to and giving in to the relentless fear mongering of the media and democrat party. But I bet she has no actual knowledge of Project 2025. I bet she has never looked it up, never read it, never taken the time to see what it is or even checked out Trump’s agenda to verify that it’s not aligned in any way. Because anyone who is scared of it isn’t doing any research about it. They are just sharing and repeating headlines.

People who aren’t freaking out about it aren’t freaking out about because we’ve looked into it and immediately saw it was nothing more than a wish list headed by the Heritage Foundation and it’s not Trump’s agenda that he will implement if he wins the election.

And if you pay attention, you will notice leftists are the only ones even talking about it and if they stopped it would go away completely. They are just using it as a distraction to try and keep people from focusing on just how bad they are.

Leftists are always saying democracy is ending and the only thing that can save it is voting for them. It’s their new thing. They have to try and scare people into voting for them because even they can’t think of any actual good things they bring to the table or how their policies will benefit the American people so they have to lie and pretend things like Project 2025 are out to get everyone when Project 2025 has nothing to do with either candidate.

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation with your friend. It’s hard to reason with a person who has let themselves go to the point where they are so scared of a complete nothing burger that they are panicking and genuinely afraid of losing rights.

And it’s incredibly easy for them to do because they can just say anything they want is “Project 2025” and people will believe them because they don’t bother to fact check.

It can be hard not to get nervous when the people around you are so paranoid and I think it’s wonderful that you are trying to calm your friend down and help her see that we’re not doomed like she has been led to believe.

You might not be able to get through to her at this point but I would encourage you to look at (and encourage her to look at) Project 2025 completely independently of whatever the media says about it so you can form your own opinions. Look at the agenda for yourself and ask what is so bad about it? What’s the worst thing on it? How is it going to destroy “democracy”? What rights is it going to take away? I don’t expect anyone to sit there and read the entire thing because it’s like 900 pages but if people are going to be freaking out about it they should at least be willing to take a look at what they have been convinced is the end of the world.

And then go look at Trump’s agenda and see that it’s not the same thing. Trump’s not talking about it or promoting it and it’s not his plan. So exactly what is there to be afraid of?

[willalove75]

Hii, can I request Rebecca X reader. Something similar to the plot where she met the Dutch man and had an amazing day . She met reader is Paris (the most beautiful woman line is so 🥺). they met in a bar or coffee shop and spent a wonderful weekend together ? Rebecca is surprised that reader still wants to see her considering she's younger . She actually felt free and happy ,no stress and not judged . Flirting, fluff , anything. You write her character so well and accurately 😁

I LOVE THIS🥺🥺 And thank you so much!! I'm glad I'm able to do her justice!😄💕

Thank you so much for the request!!💕💕

Walking through the streets of Paris, you're trying your best to not get lost. You left your hostel almost an hour ago trying to find the café you went to the day before but since you know virtually no French, your search hasn't been going well.

You stumble across a different café, it wasn't the one you were looking for but you're in desperate need of food and caffeine so you cut your losses and walk in.

You walk up to the counter and butcher your order of a tea and croissant, the barista manages to understand you, but you still receive a ton of dirty looks from the staff and other patrons of the café.

You're handed your order and turn to find a place to sit down. In the corner of the shop you see a beautiful blond woman gazing out the window, sipping on her drink. The café isn't super crowded, but you decide to shoot your shot and ask her if you can join her. She's absolutely stunning so it takes you a few seconds to gain up the courage to put one foot in front of the other.

As you're walking over she looks away from the window and your eyes meet, her gorgeous green eyes take your breath away for a moment. It's in that second you realize that there's a good chance she's French and doesn't speak any English and you start to panic, but you can't back out now. You take the last few steps up to her table and she smiles at you.

"Hi, um, is this seat taken?" You shyly ask.

The woman smiles, her eyes sparkling, it would be a miracle if she understands you right now.

"No, not at all."

You exhale a sigh of relief and sit down.

"Oh thank god you speak English. It didn't dawn on me that there was a really good chance you only spoke French until it was too late for me to abandon ship." You say with a laugh as you sit.

The woman softly laughs. "Well today must be your lucky day."

"It certainly seems that way. I'm y/n, sorry for interrupting your breakfast, this might sound super cheesy but I saw you and I was like 'wow she's absolutely beautiful' and I had to at least try and talk to you." You look away as you feel your cheeks getting red.

"You're so sweet, thank you so much. I'm Rebecca." She reaches out her hand and you shake it. "So what brings you to Paris y/n?"

"My friend and I were supposed to come here together but she got covid before we left so she couldn't come."

"Oh no, so you're here all by yourself?" She asks.

"Yup, it's even more unfortunate because she was the one who spoke French and I don't speak an ounce of it, so it's safe to say that most of the people I interact with are not my biggest fans." You say as you look over at the barista who catches your eye and gives you a dirty look. You turn back to Rebecca and you both laugh. "So why are you in Paris?"

"I had some time off from work so I decided to go on a little trip by myself."

"Oh that's cool, I'm guessing you speak French?"

"Oui, je parle couramment le français."

(Yes, I am fluent in French)

"I have no idea what any of that meant but I'm going to take a wild guess and say that's a yes?"

"Yes," she says with a laugh. "It means 'yes, I'm fluent in French.'"

"Oh that's really cool! Where did you learn French?"

"I learned it in school, we started learning young and I picked it up really easily. Do you know any languages?"

"Not really, I took Spanish in middle school and high school but I didn't like it and forgot just about all of it by the time I graduated. I do know sign language though. Well, American sign language that is."

"That's really interesting, how much sign language do you know?"

"I'm pretty much fluent." You begin to sign as you speak. "I can practically have this whole conversation in asl. I took a few classes in high school because my friend convinced me to sign up for it and I fell in love with it. They offered asl classes at my college so I just kept with it. I don't get to use it often, but it's a fun party trick." You say with a laugh.

You watch Rebecca follow your hands as you sign, she looks mesmerized by it, like she's watching a ballet dancer.

"That's really, really fascinating." She says with a smile.

"Yeah, but I do have to be careful when I'm not in the US because signs in asl could mean something completely different in another languages sign language. With my luck I'll sign a song I'm listening to or something and end up accidentally cursing out an old man." You say with a laugh.

Rebecca laughs and you take a sip of your tea as you giggle.

"Where are you from in America?" Rebecca asks.

"I'm from New York." You say with a smile.

"Oh you're from New York City?"

You laugh "No, although it's always really funny to me that everyone assumes you're from NYC when you tell someone who's not from New York that you're from New York. I'm from the suburbs, but the city is only like an hour or so away. Where are you from?"

"I can understand that, I'm from London."

"Oh cool! I'm actually going there on Monday! Where in London? Like near Buckingham Palace?"

Rebecca laughs "No, New York and London are similar in that it seems that people assume when you say you're from there, they automatically think of the city. I live in Richmond, about 45 minutes from Buckingham Palace."

"Ah, I guess New York and London are much more similar than I would have expected."

"Will you be travelling to London by yourself as well?" She asks.

"Yup, we were going to spend five days in Paris and five in London and then head home, although I may extend my stay if I'm really enjoying myself in London, but we'll see."

"Ten days is a long time to be alone." She says.

"Oh it sure is, I was starting to go a little stir crazy which is also one of the reasons I decided to come talk to you. But mostly because you're really beautiful and I knew I was going to kick myself if I didn't at least try to strike up a conversation with you."

You swear you see Rebecca blush a little as she brings her cup to her lips. She looks out the window and back at you.

"This may ridiculous, and please don't feel obligated to say yes, but I was going to take a walk along the Seine, would you like to join me?"

You begin to feel butterflies in your stomach and you immediately try and squash them.

"Yes, absolutely. I would love to."

You finish your drink and your croissant and you both leave the café and head towards the Seine. You make small talk as you walk, Rebecca points out different buildings and structures, talking about their history. You watch her as she talks about what you two walk past, the passion she has in her eyes and the excitement that radiates off of her is precious, even though you barely know each other, you feel a bond already.

"So what have you done so far since you've been here?" She asks.

"Well, I got in really early Wednesday morning so I checked in and just wandered around for most of the day, truthfully I got lost for about three hours and managed to find my way back by some miracle." You both laugh. "And Thursday I went to Versailles and spent the day there and yesterday I walked around the Louvre for the entire day on accident, that place is massive. But I've just been doing touristy things for the most part."

"You haven't been to the Eiffel Tower yet?" She asks.

"Not yet, I mean I've seen it, but I was planning on doing that sometime today, I want to see it sparkle at night. I heard it was beautiful."

"It is very pretty, although I did tell a friend of mine once that the Eiffel Tower was just a lamppost with a publicist."

You laugh out loud "Stop, that's really fucking funny."

The two of you walk around some more, making small talk, laughing, just genuinely enjoying each others company.

After a few hours of walking around you both decide you need a rest. Rebecca says she knows of a good restaurant that's more of a "locals" place where you can get lunch and you two head there.

Rebecca asks for a table for two in what sounds like perfect French, although you genuinely would have no idea if it was perfect or completely butchered, but whatever she said, it sounded great. The waiter brings you to your table and hands you menu's. You both look over the menu's and she translates everything for you. You both decide on what you want to order and the waiter comes back to take your orders. Rebecca orders in perfect French, once again, and you completely butcher the name of the dish you want. The waiter gives you a dirty look and takes the menu's and walks away.

As soon as he's out of ear shot you and Rebecca bust out laughing.

"Holy shit that guy hates me."

"I can't believe he gave you that look!"

"Oh I can, I've been getting that look from everyone since I got here." You say as you laugh.

"Oh no!" Rebecca says as she laughs.

The waiter comes back over with your drinks and you both try your hardest to hold back your laughter, the waiter gives you both that look this time and as soon as he turns his back you both burst out laughing again.

You food comes out and you enjoy your lunch, Rebecca leaves to go to the bathroom when she's finished eating and when she gets back she grabs her bag.

"Ready to go?" She asks you.

"Wait, what about the check?"

"I took care of it."

"Oh my god no you did not!"

The waiter hands Rebecca the receipt and she thanks him in French.

"Dude! You did not have to-"

"I know, but I wanted to treat my new friend to lunch for her first time here in Paris."

"Thank you, but then I'm buying dinner!" You pause for a second and try to save yourself, you don't want her to think she has to be stuck with you all day because you're alone, or make her think you assume she'll go out to dinner with you. "Or something." You quickly add.

Rebecca puts her hand to her chin and thinks for a second.

"Um, nope. I'm buying you dinner also." She says with a smile. "If you would like to have dinner with me as well, that is." She says a little shyly.

"I would love to, but I don't want you to feel like you have to pay for me!" You say as the two of you leave the restaurant.

"I don't, I want to."

"Are you sure? Dinners here can get expensive and I would hate to-"

"Don't worry about that, trust me, it's not a problem." She says with a smile. "So what else were you planning on doing today?"

"I wanted to see the Notre Dame, the Sainte-Chapelle, I'd like to see the arch, your usual first-time in Paris touristy things."

"Well then allow me to be your tour guide."

"Are you sure? I mean don't get me wrong I'd love to keep hanging out with you, but I'd feel so bad if you wasted your whole day chaperoning me around and not get to do whatever you planned on doing today."

"Well actually my plan was to find a pretty girl that was in Paris all alone and give her a tour of the city." She says with a wink and you laugh. "No but truthfully, my plan was to walk around and shop, that's it. I'd much rather do this with you."

"Okay, if you insist. Where to next my lovely tour guide?"

Rebecca spends the rest of the afternoon showing you the city, you see the Norte Dame, the Sainte-Chapelle, and make your way across the city to the arch. You feel like you're spending the day with one of your best friends, not a stranger you just met that morning at a random café you decided to wander in to.

"Do you want to come get a drink with me before dinner?" Rebecca asks.

"Yeah, absolutely." You say with a smile.

"Okay, the bar in the hotel I'm staying at is gorgeous, and I can make reservations at one of my favorite restaurants."

"That sounds perfect. Is there a dress code for the restaurant?"

"Oh good point,"

"I have fancy restaurant clothes in my hostel I can change into."

"You're staying in a hostel?" She asks, surprised.

"Hell yeah, it's actually pretty nice, and it was like dirt cheap."

"Where is it?"

"Close by the Notre Dame!"

"The Notre Dame?! How the hell did you end up all the way by the café this morning?"

"I was looking for a café I went to yesterday but I couldn't find it and got lost, so I just walked into the the first café I found, and it was that one. It's quite serendipitous if you ask me."

Rebecca shakes her head at you and hails a cab and you both get dropped off at your hostel.

"This is it?" She asks.

"Yeah!"

"Okay, it's actually nicer than I thought it was going to be."

"See? I told you!" You tease her. She rolls her eyes at you and you walk inside.

You bring her to your room and she looks horrified when she sees that you're sharing the room with two other people.

"It's not bad, they're a nice German couple."

"You can't stay here."

"What are you talking about?"

"Grab your stuff, stay with me in my hotel, I have a suite with an extra bedroom you're more than welcome to stay in."

"Oh god Rebecca I can't do that I don't want to impose-"

"You aren't and you can, I can't let you stay in this hostel, alone, with two random German people. Come on." She says with a smile as she grabs your bag.

"Are you sure?" You ask as she walks out.

"Yes!" She says, walking down the hall with your luggage.

You check out of the hostel and take a cab to Rebecca's hotel. Your jaw hits the floor when you realize she's staying at the Hôtel Plaza Athénée.

"Rebecca, are you fucking joking?"

"What?"

"The fucking Hôtel Plaza Athénée? This is your hotel? Where you have a suite with two rooms?!"

"Yeah, I stay here in the presidential every time I come to Paris."

You look at her like she's insane. "What the fuck do you do for a living?" You ask as she pulls you into the hotel.

"I run a football club."

"Football? I didn't even think football was popular over here."

"Soccer."

"Oh, right." You laugh. "Ah, gotta love the American ignorance." You joke and the two of you laugh.

You get into her suite and your jaw is on the floor, it's absolutely stunning, it has a full living room, fireplace, two big, gorgeous bedrooms, each with their own master bathroom. Rebecca pulls the curtains open and you see the Eiffel Tower perfectly from the view.

"Holy shit." You say quietly, completely captivated by the view. "This is amazing." You turn and look at her and see her with a smile on her face.

"Isn't it?" She says, gazing out the window.

You both admire the view for a moment and eventually you bring your stuff into your room and get changed. You walk out in a cute cocktail dress, your most comfortable pair of heels, your hair pulled back on one side and a little bit of makeup. You see Rebecca sitting at the little desk on the phone, you assume she's making dinner reservations. She hangs up and looks at you.

"Wow, you look beautiful y/n." She says with a smile.

"Thank you," you say. She stands up and your jaw practically hits the floor. "Jesus Christ," you quietly say. Rebecca is wearing a dark blue dress that hugs every curve on her body perfectly. You figured she had a good shape when you were with her all day, but the jeans, t-shirt and jacket she was wearing hid a lot of it. You never expected her to look like a fucking model.

"What?" She asks a little worried, looking down. "Does this not look good?"

"No, holy shit no, you just look amazing. Like I new you were beautiful, but I didn't know you literally had a perfect hour glass figure, wow." You shake your head to try and snap out of it. "I'm sorry, I'm no better than a man sometimes." You laugh as your cheeks turn pink.

You're worried you offended her, but you look at her and it actually looks like she found it endearing.

"Well thank you, I appreciate the compliment. Ready to go?"

"Yes! Absolutely."

You two head down to the bar and grab a few drinks before dinner. You chat and laugh as you enjoy your drinks. Once you finish, Rebecca pays the bill, against your wishes, and you head to the restaurant.

The restaurant is absolutely stunning, you can tell just by looking at it that it's a 5-star restaurant. You're brought to your seats and given menu's. Just like she did at lunch, Rebecca translates the menu for you and this time you let her order for the both of you in French, you've had enough nasty looks from waiters for one day. Your drinks arrive and you both cheers to new friends.

You're talking about your lives, where you grew up, what your friends are like, just generally getting to know each other.

"How old are you anyway?" She asks.

"I'm 28-"

"Oh my god. I could be your mother." She puts her face in her hands.

"Oh stop it no you can not! How old are you?"

"48." She says quietly.

"Oh shut up there's no way, I don't believe that for a second!"

"I am!"

"You look damn good for your age then, I thought you were like 40, 45 at the very oldest, and like in a 'wow she looks young for 45' way."

"Well thank you." She says as she laughs.

Your food arrives and smells delicious, you both dig in and laugh and chat over dinner. You order more drinks and dessert and when you're finished Rebecca pays the bill and you two head out.

"Okay, now for our last stop of the night." She says, looking at you. "The Eiffel Tower."

She grabs your hand and leads you to it. She buys two tickets and you take the elevator up to the very top. The sun is just setting and you stand by the railing, stunned by the beauty in front of you.

"Woah." You say with wonder in your eyes.

Rebecca stands next to you, both of you taking in the gorgeous view. You both stand there for a few minutes in silence, just enjoying each others company and the gorgeous sunset.

Once the sun sets Rebecca turns to you.

"Come down to one of the lower decks with me."

She grabs your hand and you follow her down a few flights of stairs to a lower level. You stand by the railing and look across the city, a cold breeze passes through causing you to shiver.

"Here," Rebecca says, taking off her scarf and wrapping it around you. "Better?"

"Yes, thank you." Her scarf smells like her, you close your eyes as you inhale the scent, you never though a scent would match a view so well, but for some reason, it just pulls the entire experience all together.

The lights on the tower shut off and you quickly turn around, unsure of what's happening.

"Woah, why did the lights go out?" You ask, looking around to see if anyone else is reacting.

After a few moments they come back on and you realize they're flickering. You look up to the top of the tower where you were earlier and you realize that the tower is sparkling.

Your eyes light up like a child on Christmas day, you stand there in awe as you watch the tower sparkle above you. You look over at Rebecca and see that she's looking at you, looking at the lights. The lights flashing across her face make her eyes glitter, you don't think you've ever seen someone look so beautiful as she does right now. You both look into each others eyes for a moment.

You're not sure how it happened or who made the first move, but in an instant your lips are together. You bring your hands to her face and she holds onto your waist. Her lips are the softest lips you've ever felt in your life, her tongue slides into your mouth and dances around yours. This moment is absolutely perfect and you don't ever want it to end.

What felt like hours later, but in reality was probably only a minute or two, your lips finally part. She gently brushes her lips against yours, you can feel her heart beating quickly as she holds you against her; she can probably feel that yours is racing too.

"Do you want to go back-" she asks quietly.

"Mhm." You mutter as you shake your head yes. Your lips meet once more and after they part you make your way back to the hotel.

You were worried that the moment would pass by the time you got back to the hotel, but the closer you got, the more eager the two of you became.

You get into her suite and you put your bags down, take your jackets off, you remove Rebecca's scarf and she pulls you into her again for another kiss. She kisses you passionately for a minute before leading you into her bedroom.

You both kick off your shoes and Rebecca comes up behind you and places her hands on your hips and kisses your neck. You sigh and lean back into her, tilting your head so she has more access to your neck. Her hands travel up your sides and you feel her move your hair aside and pull down the zipper of your dress. You let it fall to the ground and turn to face her and gesture for her to turn around. You grab the zipper and slide it down, you kiss down her back as the zipper exposes her skin. Her dress falls to the ground and you unclip her bra and you reach behind your back and unclip yours.

She leads you to the bed and pulls you into her, your bodies pressing against each other, your lips interlocked, your fingers tangled in her hair and her hands exploring your body. This might be the most passion you've ever felt in your life.

The night goes by in a blur. You have flashes of memories of you kissing her down her body, the way her skin felt on your lips, you remember the sounds you both made as you panted, the moans that escaped from her lips when you went down on her. How sweet she tasted, what her fingers felt like in your hair as she grabbed hold of you, the way her back arched when you hit that sweet spot deep inside her, how warm and wet she was, the way her skin felt under your fingers as you held onto her hips. The cries she made were the most beautiful sounds you had ever heard as you brought her to her climax and took her over the edge. You remember how her legs gently shook as she came down from her high, that she took a minute just to be able to catch her breath.

You remember the dominance she showed when she flipped you onto your back, how she definitely left marks as her lips traveled down your body. The ticklish sensations when she kissed and nibbled the inside of your thighs, what her tongue felt like when she finally made contact with your dripping center, the way her hair felt between your fingers as you grabbed hold of her. The sounds that you made when her fingers curled deep inside you, the way she felt inside of you, how your hips bucked wildly when she brought you to the edge. You remember seeing stars when you felt her lips wrap around your clit when she pushed you over the edge, the way you cried out her name when she had you ride out your orgasm as long as possible.

You remember her wrapping you in her arms when you were done, how she slowly and passionately kissed you, how your legs felt tangled with hers under the sheets. You remember looking into her gorgeous green eyes, how they reflected the sparkles from the glittering Eiffel Tower out the window. You realized in that moment you've never felt so connected, so bonded, so in love with anyone else in your life. Sure you had just met that morning, but over the course of the day you became closer to her faster than you have with anyone else. You let out a relaxed sigh and closed your eyes when she nuzzled her nose against yours, you felt her chest rise and fall against yours as she drifted off to sleep, you drifting off to sleep with her.

You wake up the next morning convinced that yesterday was just a beautiful dream. As your senses wake up you recognize her scent, you realize that you're still wrapped in each others arms, you try and savor the moment before you open your eyes, anxious that once you do, everything that you both had last night would be gone. You feel her shift in your arms and you open you eyes to meet hers, she has a worry in her eyes that makes your heart hurt a little. You can tell that she's worried about the same thing that you are, you smile and tuck a piece of her golden locks behind her ear, your hand coming to a rest on her cheek, caressing it with your thumb. A smile crosses her face and she brings her lips to yours, you hold onto her as you kiss her with a soft passion. Your lips part and you look into each others eyes for a moment.

"I was so worried I was going to wake up and this was all going to be a dream." You quietly say as you study the details of her face.

"So was I, or that I would wake up to an empty bed, or that I would wake up and you would tell me it was a mistake." She quietly responds as she strokes your hair.

"It certainly was not." You say with a smile as you gently kiss her.

You see a sadness in her eyes when your lips part.

"What's wrong?" You ask, concerned.

"When are you going to London?"

"My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. Why? When do you go back?"

"Tonight." She says with a sadness in her voice that makes your heart hurt.

"Well, then I'll see you when I get in tomorrow."

"You don't have-"

"No, I want to. I don't want to not ever see you again after you leave tonight."

She looks a little surprised. "Really?"

"Really. I know it's crazy because we've known each other for literally 24 hours, but, I really like you. I haven't felt this close to someone in a long time, I don't want to lose this."

"Even though I'm 20 years your senior?"

"I don't care about that, not even a little bit. It wasn't even something that crossed my mind once."

She pulls you into her and kisses you, a smile left on both of your faces when you part.

"Where were you planning on staying in London?"

"Another hostel." You say with a smile.

"Well, that's not happening. Stay with me." She says as she looks deep into your eyes.

"I would love to."

"I'll have my driver pick you up from the airport and bring you to my house."

"You driver? How much fucking money do you have?!" You say as you laugh.

"A lot." She says with a laugh as she kisses you again.

"Hm, lucky me." You joke between kisses.

Rebecca laughs into the kiss.

You spend the rest of your last day together in Paris in her suite, most of it was spent in bed. You had breakfast and lunch delivered to the room and you both sat in the living room in fluffy robes laughing and cuddling while you ate. You laid in bed together for as long as possible, trying to stretch out every minute before she had to leave to catch her flight. Rebecca extended the room reservation for another night so you could stay. When it finally came time, you helped her pack her things and you got dressed and walked her down to the lobby.

You felt ridiculous for having a lump in your throat as you make your way downstairs, not only will you see her literally tomorrow, you've known her for less than two days. But in those two days you fell completely head over heels in love with her, even though neither of you have said it out loud, you're pretty sure she did too.

The driver puts her bags in the car and she stands in front of you and wraps her arms around you, you wrap your arms around her and you two hold each other for a minute. You look up at her and she meets your gaze, you look into her gorgeous eyes and she leans down and kisses you. When you part you realize her eyes are glassy, yours are too.

"I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" She asks.

"Yes, absolutely."

"Good." She says as she lets go of you. "I l- I'll see you tomorrow." She catches herself from blurting out the three words you can't wait to be able to say to her.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She turns to get into the car. "Oh shit wait!" You say and she turns back to you.

"What?"

You start laughing and pull out your phone. "I need your number."

Rebecca starts laughing, a few of her tears escape and trickle down her cheeks. "Oh my god." She says grabbing your phone. "I can't believe we didn't do this yet."

She puts her number in your phone and hands it back to you. She kisses you once more and heads to the car.

"I'll see you tomorrow y/n."

"I'll see you tomorrow Rebecca."

She waves as the car pulls away and you watch it until it's out of sight. You look down at your phone and see her phone number and the contact name she put in for herself.

"Rebecca Welton💕"

You send her a text

I can't wait for tomorrow❤

You immediately get a response

Me either💕

You smile down at your phone and hold it close to your chest. You head back into the hotel and your phone starts ringing as you get into the suite. You look down and see that your friend is calling you.

"Hey!"

"YOU'RE ALIVE THANK GOD!"

"Yea, very much alive." You say with a laugh.

"Well I didn't hear from you for over 24 hours and I got worried that you died!"

You open your texts and realize you have 5 missed calls and 20+ text messages from her and a few other people.

"Where the hell were you?!" She asks.

"In heaven."

"Okay, you're gonna have to elaborate."

You tell her about your adventures with Rebecca and give her most of the details, there are definitely some you keep to yourself. You tell her that you're meeting Rebecca in London tomorrow and how excited you were.

"So honestly, it's a good thing you weren't able to come, because if you did, I probably would have never met her." You said.

"Is this the plot of some French rom-com you watched or did you actually just live in a Paris fairytale for the last two days?"

"Fairytale, for sure."

You talk to her for a while and your friend looks her up and freaks out when she reads about who she is.

"No, don't tell me anything, I want her to tell me when she's ready, I don't want to google her to learn about her."

"You're such a sap, but fine. But I will tell you, she's hot, and rich as fuck."

"Oh, I know, she spoiled the shit out of me. Honestly, even if she didn't have all of that money, I'd still be going to see her in London tomorrow."

"Are you in love with her already?"

"I know how fucking crazy this is going to sound, but yeah, I think I am."

You two continue to talk and catch up for the next hour, after you get off of the phone with her you text Rebecca your flight info and you go out to a little restaurant for dinner and walk around for a bit. You get back to the hotel and get ready for bed, impatiently waiting for tomorrow to come.

You phone dings and you roll over in bed and see that you have a text from Rebecca.

12 hours left, I miss you.

You smile and your heart does summersaults, you reply to her.

12 hours too long, I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. Goodnight Rebecca.

You put your phone down and try to fall asleep, excited for tomorrow to come so you can hold Rebecca in your arms again.