#(still limiting to one daily post until I find more time/energy sorry!)

[effyeahmeerkats]

Happy World Meerkat Day!

I'm bringing my queue back :)

[ladyyatexel]

I Went On A Manga Binge

So you don't have to

For those of you who have wisely avoided the shreds of it I've left around the blog thus-far, I had some weird notion to go re-experience Yu-Gi-Oh uuuuuh a week ago? We'll go with that. Time is meaningless.

I'd been able to read a good portion of the early manga at the end of highschool, and somewhere in my stacks and stacks of paper is fanart from this dark time, so you know I cared. I also still own a Dark Magician action figure somehow, so. I'd also watched a large portion of the anime with my brother because it had been laced with some kind of crack and we couldn't look away? I remember when we both were just like shit, wait, don't change the channel, I can't stop looking at it. And the next thing we knew we were waiting for new episodes and I was doing research on the Japanese original because I was that kid.

Anyway, unnecessary backstory out of the way, here are some... let's call them Observations and Consequences of having read somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 chapters (and growing) of a manga primarily hinged on card games from a spectrum of sources ranging from boringly lawful to sketchy as fuck.

Surprise actual character that develops in typical shounen fashion being Jounouchi. My limited experiences with the 4Kids dub and only early manga had not painted him in a particularly good light. I don't know if episodes were being aired out of order or if I had just missed the ones that established that he was making shit up as he was going along, but Wow I liked him a lot more going through the manga than I ever did watching the (dubbed, heavily edited and censored and thrown into a slurry machine) anime. I'd managed to come out with the impression that he was just as reasonably experienced with the game as Yugi back in the day. Wild.

I'm now reading every single comic-style post on Tumblr backwards.

Striking inverse to first point, wow, I don't like Seto Kaiba. Though he gets points for his general philosophy of the future, and the line I read in my sketchy online combo of scans and scanlations in which he said, "If God is in your way, you run him down," was Metal As Fuck. I somewhat shame-facedly admit to enjoying him a lot more as an Abridged Series character. (I watched Abridged as it came out back in the day! The experience of watching the anime with my brother had been so fresh that I got all the in jokes about the way things were edited and dubbed, it was great. Series remains influential part of my life to this day, which is hella weird.)

I almost understand how Duel Monsters works now. I don't want this.

That said, wow a lot of the decisions made in the anime made everything a lot more ridiculous than the admittedly already ridiculous original. I got the distinct feeling in the manga that the Duelist Kingdom stuff we were seeing was designed to be used and exploited in ways that don't make sense in an actual cardgame just played on a table like a normal person and this was part of testing everyone to think higher, differently. Maybe this is obvious to everyone already, I don't know. I had always liked that it was very, 'Not so fast, I'm going to blow up the moon to change the tides,' but I'm not really sure the anime gave enough explanation that this was an extra layer added to things for that event? You can see people actively getting used to it in the books, and people who aren't considering the real or 3D nature of it getting owned, but my memory of anime version is everyone just like, 'oh, shucks, fuck me, I forgot to consider the phase of the moon before i played this card, can't believe I forgot.' No one calls Yugi on any of this stuff because it's valid play in that situation. Plus Yami Yugi had mad trickster energy in the beginning and it suited him to think of ways to do things inside these little simulation boxes the way it suited him to set perverts on fire. I imagine the real card game trying to emulate this element as something that would be to its detriment, but I neither know nor particular care haha

Ryou Bakura.

Really, though. I think he became kind of casualty of 'wow, we have a lot of characters who really aren't able to do anything in this story anymore,' despite the fact that his whole inner life could have been as interesting as Yugi's. I always like thinking about the possibilities of stories in which main character falls into magical world and is given magical item and told they're the hero and then they find out they've been the bad guy the whole time. The first several volumes of manga were about the quiet weirdo kid that no one talked to who was always blacking out and turning into a fucked up version of himsef because he was so attached to his ancient Egyptian jewelry, so like, Bakura could have much the same shit going on. I want to know what's happening with him so much. He clearly doesn't love being possessed, but he's also so drawn to the ring. Despite it having stabbed him at least twice and him knowing it's a danger to him and his friends, he keeps being pulled back into it. You see so much more of him being like, 'Oooh, a creepy thing, I love that! :D' in the manga than ever in the anime, which I'm all about. Also more blood. I'm very about that as well. Though my memory of the anime also made it look very much like normal regular daily Bakura was just a weird facade in places before he ever would have been. I think that was it trying to compensate for what people didn't see from the Toei anime, but okay whatever, that I love everything about this guy is not news, I don't need to talk about Bakura excessively here, I'm pretty sure that's gonna show up on my blog by itself

On a related note though, damn, more of these people need to talk to each other. Can we have some existential crisis support clubs or something. Can we get like some apologies or something? "I respect you as a duelist." "Cool, but you literally built a tower designed to specifically assassinate me and my friends? You were supposed to get Better after I retaliated by putting you in a coma, but you kinda didn't." "Why would the coma have made it better" "I just told you it didn't" ---- "Sorry I went along with the plan of your evil parasite stabbing you, misled you, and then also jumped in and took up some real estate in your head too." "I understand, I also have an evil thing inside me that does things while I'm blacked out." "...no, I was conscious for all of that." "Oh." "..." "..." "..." "Do you like Ouija Boards?" "sure okay" ETC. Like damn we are reading shounen manga because no one is talking extensively about their feelings here and I'm tapping my foot angrily.

Holy shit there are so many mythologies happening at once. The ancient family guarding the Egyptian Pharaoh has a surname that's a Mesopotamian goddess. None of the god cards make any Egyptian sense except Ra, and just like. Baaarrrrely. Somewhere either Evil Ring Bakura or Mar/lik makes a reference to cremation and spirits being taken to heaven with smoke which several things, but definitely not Ancient Egyptian. Marik/Malik meanwhile is clearly trying to head Arabic, along with Rishid, but then, hey, our sister is just Isis. Goddess McGoddess. Sometimes they're the same goddess! Her name could be Isis Isis or Ishtar Ishtar. Meanwhile, all the obviously 'occult because Christians think it is freaky' stuff. ~ancient egyptian pentagrams~~~This isn't a complaint, I guess so much as a 'Wow, I can kind of see the cultural spot the author was coming from and where he was aiming' kind of thing.

Wonder where things would have gone if the card games had not been latched onto the way they were.

Managed to forget how gross the pre-cardgames stuff was on the sexual harassment front. I'm glad there was a sort of explanation of everyone drifting away from being dick heads and that that decision was made. It got way more comfortable to read after no one was bringing Yugi p*rn on VHS.

Yugi looks better with a nose, glad we got that upgrade.

Interesting to watch the series style shift as it goes away from being horror to being over the top cardgames and friendship (with blood!). The first picture of Mokuba is fucking Jarring. Also noticed that the nicer a character is, the less their teeth are defined.

Glad manga did not go as completely off the fucking the rails about Marik's face. I never got as far as seeing him back in the day because college occurred, but I remember seeing pictures and stuff and being like, "what in the Fuck happened to that dude, I think the house style has collapsed in on itself"

Things the author Really Likes: motorcycles, belts, SHOES, holy shit the shoes. These are some of the most lovingly rendered sneakers I've ever seen. All the detail on his characters goes straight to their feet and then it's stretched upward until it forms stiff peaks. Gently fold in 3000 years of trauma and bake face down in a crumb coat of scattered mythology. Remove when you roll two zeros.

Where the fuck am I going to put the extremely large omnibus volumes of this comic I purchased in order to balance out how much I would be reading for free on the internet. I should have grasped that a three in one edition would be Thick and yet somehow I was still :O when it arrived. Have I strategically purchased volumes that contain my favorite parts, maybe, what's it to you will i eventually get the whole thing because incomplete book series gnaw on my soul? yes

Wish the transition from "I've murdered several people in delightfully karmic ways" to "all you need is friendship in your heart and cards in your hand" Yami Yugi/Pharaoh had been discussed more/transitioned better. Buddy, where did you get this approved for television high horse? Please go back to strangling people with yo-yos or at least tell me why you stopped.

I still can't tell anything that looks like a big robotic monster apart from any other big robotic monster. My dude, I can't tell cars apart, all these monsters look the same.

Yami Yugi fascinated me way more in highschool? Maybe because it was still super early and the anime was like 'we need to torture you about his origins WeEkLy. Now I'm just like 'wait hold on, can we go back to Bakura and Marik for a minute, there's some extreme unpacking to do here?' Those two are paying so much more in baggage fees here my guy wow

Violently uninterested in any of the spinoff media

[flooffybits]

Here For You

Idol: Kim Jungeun, Kim Jiwoo (Loona)

Warning: mentions of physical and verbal abuse, homophobia

Author's note: I accidentally posted this and, in my panic, deleted it without copying the ask, so I apologize.

☕buy me a coffee☕

"Kim Lip, over there!" Looking over to where her girlfriend was pointing, the said girl squinted her eyes as she tried to look for what the latter had seen.

Jiwoo had spotted you just as they passed the window, seeing as you picked a table that was noticeable from outside. When they stepped inside the little restaurant they invited you to, she began to look in the direction her girlfriend was pointing at.

But before she could find you, herself, Jiwoo was already bouncing over to where you were sitting. And due to her calling out your name, you were quick to see the pair and flashed them a smile, giggling when you stood to greet Jiwoo with a hug.

“Y/n! I missed you!” She squeals in your ear, making you laugh when you pat her back and then pull away. “I missed you, too. Sorry I couldn’t meet you sooner.” Jungeun stopped next to Jiwoo and smiled at you when she went for a hug as well. “It’s nothing to apologize for.” She assures you. “We’ve barely even got free time, so having to delay a hangout is understandable.” She adds and you all take a seat.

“Oh, yeah. How are things with you and the girls? I saw you performed at the Soribada.” You comment. “Congratulations, by the way.”

"It was nice. A bit hectic since the audience was very limited and there were a few that snuck in to watch." Jungeun explained with a slight laugh. "There were some fansites of ours that had to be kicked out." Jiwoo pouted and you smiled affectionately at how much she really loved her fans.

"Well, when it comes to meeting their favorites, it's really no surprise that they go through such great lengths to see you." Your words made both their hearts flutter and they had to restrain themselves from saying anything because they were afraid of making things weird between you.

You just made it so hard when you spoke so passionately. Everyone could see the spark in your eyes whenever you spoke about the things you loved or things that peeked your interest. It was just so endearing and it was one of the reasons people were so attracted to you. Your friendly and kind nature drew people to you and made you such a loveable person.

"I think that applies to everyone, don't you think?" Jiwoo's smile is much softer as she looks at you, unlike her usual excited smile when she's jumping around and throwing hearts at people.

You hum softly, resting your chin against your hand and cocking your head to the side. "That's true. But sometimes the simple things are worth more than the grand gestures." You tell them and Jungeun nods her head in agreement. "I think that's what people forget these days. Wanting to do all of these things is nice, but if it's going to put them in danger, I'd rather they watch us from the safety of their own homes." She says with a bit of a grimace.

"What about you, two? What have you been up to?" The pair look to each other, smiling and then turning back to you. “There’s nothing much, but we did go on a date after the award show. Since things have been a bit hectic, we thought a little breather was the best option.” Junguen explained while she took the other girl’s hand in her own and gave it a squeeze.

You giggle at your friends while nodding your head. “If you guys wanted alone time, you could have said so, silly. We could have rescheduled our hangout, I know you have a lot on your plate.” You tell them before Jiwoo pouts at you. “But we wanted to see you! Lippie and I are with each other all the time but it’s so rare to get an off day to see you.” She explains while she subconsciously reached for your hand from across the table.

There’s something else shining in her eyes that you don’t quite understand, but she smiles at you in the same manner she usually does before pulling away. “Trust us, we’re more than happy to spend time with you.”

“And speaking of you, how are things with Hansuk?” Jungeun asked curiously while you showed her a grin and clapped your hands. “Oh! We’ve been doing great. He’s been really sweet, waking me up every time because he made breakfast, saying he wants to at least spend the morning with me before he goes to work.” You explain, pausing when a waiter came by to take your orders.

You had quickly given them what you recall to be the girls’ favorites, looking to them briefly for confirmation since you were all so caught up in conversation to check at the menu, and Jungeun had nodded whilst Jiwoo looked absolutely love struck when you turned back to the waiter to tell him your own choice before he went off.

“You guys look like you’re doing really well.” Jungeun said softly while you blinked in confusion. “What?” Jiwoo giggled at your expression before clarifying. “We were talking about you and your boyfriend, remember? Jeez, Y/n, you’re so forgetful sometimes.” She jokes while you pout. “Hey, I remembered your favorites, didn’t I?”

And that was a fact that made butterflies erupt in their stomachs.

"Well, I guess that's true." Jiwoo giggles while resting her chin against her hand. "I have to make sure my girls are well. Of course, I'd remember what you like, not just your food." Junguen reached over to lightly hit your shoulder despite the blush that was creeping up her neck when she laughed. “Why are you so cheesy?” She asked to mask her embarrassment and you burst out laughing too, the sound ringing beautifully in the pair’s ears.

It never failed to bring a smile on their faces to see you so happy.

"Okay, okay. We get it, you love us." Jiwoo giggled at you and you smiled brightly while nodding your head in approval. "Obviously, I do."

But despite that, they wished that you meant it more than what you actually did.

Because even though they were already dating each other, they would be lying if they said that they didn't feel for you what they felt with each other. Being friends for years, the affections only increased and the fondness developed into something that was far beyond friendship.

The moment they had agreed to become idols was also the moment they had decided to confess to each other how they felt, and it was fine for a while, until they had seen you for your graduation.

Seeing you again made all the memories you three had together come crashing down and they're reminded that their feelings were not exclusively for each other.

After graduation, they saw you quite often. It may not have been daily, but they saw you every week when they had the time. They were lucky enough when it was twice a week. But when you inform them that you started dating one of your other friends from high school, they were a bit disheartened to see you because of how often you spoke about the boy.

“Hey?” You called out, a confused look on your face though a smile still stayed. “Is there something on my face? You’re both staring.” You say with an embarrassed chuckle and covering your face with your hands. “Hey, no! There’s nothing on your face.” Jiwoo giggled despite her embarrassment of getting caught staring and Jungeun merely reached forward to pry your hands from your face. “Stop it, you look perfect… ly fine. So don’t worry, okay?” She had to quickly add the latter part of her statement just to cover up what she wanted to say and then flashed an awkward smile.

You ended up blinking at them and then your eyes fell to your joined hands. You had to slowly pull away with a crooked grin and then nodding your head, unaware of the hurt that crossed the latter’s face.

Luckily, your food arrived in time to push away the awkward air and you hummed in delight. “Oh, right. We’ll be sort of busy with preparing for the comeback next week, so I’m not sure we can see you.” Jiwoo explained apologetically before she saw the saddened look in your eyes.

Even when you had shown them a reassuring smile, it was clear that not being able to see either of them was sad news for you. And upon seeing that, they were quick to try and cheer you up.

“It’s not going to be that long. There are going to be days we’ll drop by and hangout.” Jungeun quickly states. “Yeah, and while we’re gone, you and Hansuk are able to see each other often, right?”

You pause for a while before Jiwoo notices the forced smile on your face when you nod your head.

“Yeah, we will.”

..

Right after practice, the girls were scattered around the practice room with the majority of them laying on the floor just so they could rest their legs while others were getting their things ready and still filled with energy.

“Kim Lip, get your girlfriend. I’m too tired for this.” Sooyoung groaned as she draped a face towel over her face just to prove her point and the hyper girl next to her laughed while shaking her arm in an attempt to piss her off. “Come on! We’re going home, anyway.” She claims, making the latter grunt and her girlfriend to laugh.

Jungeun got up from her place and walked over to extract her girlfriend from her best friend and handed her a water bottle. “Come on. I think you’ll want to do something else other than annoy Yves.” She stated, catching the other’s attention. “What?”

Showing her phone, your conversation was pulled up and Jiwoo scanned the most recent ones before her whole face lit up in delight. “Are we going to see her?” She squeals at the nod Jungeun gives her before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and then jumping over to her things and preparing while Sooyoung peeked from under the towel.

“Oh, thank god.” She muttered while sitting up. “I love Chuu and everything, but I don’t think I love her enough to get myself deaf.” She stated jokingly and Jungeun chuckled when she helped the latter to her feet. “It’s part of her charm.”

“You’re both loud. I can only pray for Y/n since she’s the quiet one out of you three.” That earned her a smack on the arm. “Yah!” But she only raised her arms in defense. “Thus proving my point.” She laughed and Jungeun barraged her arm with punches, though not hard enough to hurt her friend.

Off to the side, Jiwoo happily hoisted her bag on her shoulder. “Y/n, Y/n, I wonder if she ate already.” She glanced at the time and gasped. “We should get some snacks, just in case.” From beside her, Yerim grinned at the familiar name. “You’re going to visit unnie?” She questioned and the older girl nodded enthusiastically. “Kim Lip asked her if she was home, so we’re going to surprise her.”

“Can you give this to unnie? Last time, she gave us food so I wanted to give her something in return.” Yeojin produced a bead ring from her bag and Jiwoo smiled while taking the small gift. “I’m sure she’ll love it.” She beams before looking to find her girlfriend wrestling with her leader.

Laughing, she walked over, grabbing Jungeun’s bag in the process before pulling her off Sooyoung. “Come on! I want to see Y/n already!” She announces, and Jungeun huffs before taking her bag and nodding her head. “Let me just tell Haseul unnie and then we can go.”

It wasn’t really that much of an issue for them to visit since you would only stay indoors, plus your place wasn’t that far away from the dorms. So after informing Haseul and saying goodbye to everyone, the pair set off to see you, stopping by a cafe to buy some food like Jiwoo said earlier.

By the time they arrived at your front door, Jungeun was holding the paper bags filled with snacks and then Jiwoo was fishing for the key you had given them in the event that they wanted to drop by, much like today.

There was a thud from behind the door and the pair looked at each other just as Jiwoo pushed it open. Peeking inside, they called out. “Y/n? You alright?” Jiwoo asked as she looked around, kicking her shoes off, followed by the latter.

Of course, they weren’t too sure what they would be walking into when they arrived at your place, but they were very sure seeing your boyfriend towering over you, arm raised in what looked like he was ready to hit your cowering form, was not one of them.

Dropping the bags, Jungeun sprinted over to shove the male off of you whilst Jiwoo hurried to your side, pulling you away from your stunned boyfriend and furious best friend. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jungeun yelled angrily as Jiwoo looked you over, her heart sinking when she saw the small bruises on your jaw and neck.

By the looks of it, there was more that trailed down under your shirt, and it made her heart hurt to see you looking so damaged like this. “What did he do?” She asked softly and you curled up in her arms while Jungeun refused to let the male near you.

“I can have you sued for trespassing, you know that?” Your boyfriend yelled but if his intentions were to scare your friends off, then that was not working at all with the way Jungeun’s glare intensified. “This isn’t your place, and we have keys, dumbass.”

Glancing over her shoulder, the girl felt her anger flare up when she saw Jiwoo cradling you as you quietly sobbed into her shoulder. Her eyes were back on the male before she’s lifting her phone up. “I’m giving you one chance. Get out, now, or you’re going to end up in court.” And unlike Hansuk’s pitiful threat, it was clear that she was not bluffing as she had a number already on display.

“S-Screw this.” Clicking his tongue, Hansuk left almost immediately like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs, knowing that he was no match for an idol with a company to back them up. And though you were just friends with them, it was very clear that they would help you put him in jail, and he could not have that.

Right after he left, Jungeun spun around and dropped to her knees so she could get a good look at you while Jiwoo did her best to calm you down. Her fingers continued with brushing your hair while she kept your head against her shoulder, whispering sweet nothings to soothe your nerves.

Jungeun cupped your cheek and gently, her thumb grazed over one of the newer looking bruises. She held her breath as she looked to see if she was hurting you but relaxed when you looked at her. Your teary eyes made her heart ache and Jiwoo let out a sigh.

“Can you get some ice?” She asked quietly, making the blonde nod before she’s off to the kitchen to grab an ice pack, passing the bathroom so she could grab the first aid kit as well just in case there were more than just bruises on you.

Meanwhile, Jiwoo, who was usually the bright and happy girl you knew, was frowning when she cupped your face to get another look at you. “How long has he been doing this?” She questions and you struggle on deciding whether or not it was a good idea to lie to her or not.

But this was Jiwoo and Jungeun. There was no way you could lie to them. At least not again.

“Two months ago?” You mutter, not entirely sure when the dynamic of your relationship had changed. “He came home from work. He was with his friends without telling me and I was just worried but he got upset and then…” Your lower lip trembled at the memory and thankfully, Jiwoo didn’t push any further as she just tightened her arms around you and nodded her head.

For two months, you were battling this on your own? Why didn’t you tell either her or Jungeun?

Knowing that you were along in this caused her hold on you to tighten before she pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “You’re going to be fine.” She whispered before Jungeun joined you, handing the ice pack to her girlfriend and then looking at you with her lips pressed together.

“Can I look?” She asked while gesturing to your shirt and Jiwoo pressed the ice to your jaw, causing you to flinch. You bite your lip before looking down because of the question and Jungeun reaches forward to touch your face, stopping you as she runs her thumb over your bottom lip while staring into your eyes. “Don’t do that.” She tells you. “I don’t want you to get even more hurt than you already are.”

The action and the way she speaks so softly makes your heart flutter and you do your best to hide the way she’s affecting you, but Jiwoo makes it worse when she presses her cheek to your head and her other hand moves from your hair to the small of your back. “We need to check if you have any other injuries.” She murmurs and you make a small sound before reluctantly pulling away to lift your shirt.

“Promise me you won’t freak out.” The sentence alone makes them want to protest, but the pleading look in your eyes causes their mouths to shut and they nod before you finally lift your shirt to reveal the various bruises left on your skin.

And even when the obvious hand prints stared right back at them, Jiwoo was able to keep herself from saying anything as she just held you closer when her girlfriend began to apply some ointment on the bruises, double checking for any scratches.

“Why did he do this?” Jiwoo couldn’t help but ask you and you swallowed thickly while playing with your fingers. “He was… he was starting to suspect you two.” You mumbled and they could feel the nervousness radiating off you when you avoided looking at either of them. “He was telling me how I shouldn’t hang around you guys so much, and that it didn’t even matter since you had your idol careers.”

Remembering his words caused tears to spring into your eyes again. Every ounce of anger and hatred that laced his voice whenever he talked about the two, etched in your mind. He hated it that you defended them and that you would not hesitate to pick them over him, but he always managed to string you back into his clutches.

“One day, he asked me, you’re not like that, are you?” You let out a shuddering breath. “You’re not one of those. He talked about you like… like you weren’t a person, and I just-”

A sob forced itself past your lips and Jungeun put everything back in the kit before she took your hands in her own while Jiwoo continued to rub your back.

“Y/n, listen to me. Whatever he said, it isn’t true.” Jiwoo says firmly. “Just because he can’t accept us does not make you invalid. You don’t need him.” Jungeun adds when she reaches to wipe away your tears. “You can be who you are and love whoever you want. All that matters is you’re happy and safe.”

You let their words sink in and suck in a deep breath, your heart hammering against your chest. "What if… what if the person I liked was already with someone else? And the only reason I was with Hansuk to get over them?"

Jungeun isn't sure how to feel with the revelation. She's upset, yes, because if you didn't really love Hansuk, why did you force yourself into a relationship with him for this long? Why didn't you just tell them the truth? Was there something she was missing?

Jiwoo, on the other hand, was quick to speak as she brushed your hair from your face after setting the ice pack aside. "It's okay. Sometimes we make these decisions that we think will help us. You were hurting so it was understandable that you needed something to distract you from the pain.” She murmured softly while kissing your temple. Even if she was curious as to what it was you weren’t telling them, she needed to make sure that you were okay first before anything else.

Your eyes shift from Jungeun to Jiwoo before they fall down to your own hands, seeing as Jungeun kept her own atop of them, squeezing when she could see that you were thinking about something, afraid to tell them what exactly it was.

“Y/n, it’s okay. Whatever it is you want to say, we’ll listen. We aren’t going to hurt you.” She assured and you nod your head, knowing full well that it was the truth. It was just your own fear and insecurity that was pulling you back.

“I like you.” With a quick breath, you shake your head. “Both of you. And I know it’s weird and crazy, but I just didn’t know what to do. You’re my best friends but you’re together and idols, on top of that so I know that neither of you would see me the same way.” Due to your rambling, you failed to see the way the two look at each other and only looked up when Jungeun joined in to wrap her arms around you.

“Oh, Y/n.” You felt so small being in their arms, but it did give you the sense of security that you needed after Hansuk’s violent episode earlier. “You have no idea how much we wanted to hear you say that.” Jungeun chuckled when she cupped your face, causing your mouth to snap shut.

They what?

The way your eyes widened and how your mouth opened and closed to try and say something made the two of them giggle. Jiwoo had to close your mouth for you before poking your nose. “Believe it or not, Kim Lip and I were a little butt hurt when you told us you were dating Hansuk.” She tells you before earning a smack from her girlfriend. “Why would you say that?”

“Sorry!”

Sighing, Jungeun then looked at you with a small smile. “Look, we aren’t trying to push anything but we wanted you to know that Chuu and I have been talking about you for a while now. We weren’t sure how you would react, so we never brought it up.” She explained. “But then Hansuk came along and we really thought you liked him, so we backed off.” Jiwoo played with the hem of your shirt from behind. “Had we known, we would have said something sooner and we could have kept you from getting hurt.”

The reminder of you being injured made the pair frown but you were quick to shake your head and offered them a smile, taking both of their hands in your own and squeezing them. “It’s okay, he’s gone.”

“And we aren’t going anywhere.”

[monstersandmaw]

Evening to ya, Ghosti✌️😆

Sorry if the wording sounds silly, but I wanted to ask if you know any rituals I could do for the New Years. 🤣 Christmas hasn't been exactly an easy time for me for various reasons and I tend to get the holiday blues pretty bad, and for a long old while New Years has felt very similar. I'm doing my best to feel hopeful and to have some faith for the new year, but it's turning out to be trickier than I anticipated. So I wanted to ask for suggestions as to do anything that could help feeling more hopeful, I dunno. :3

Though feel free to ignore this if you don't have the energy for it. I hope you had delightful holiday however you celebrated!!! 😊💖💖💖💖

Hey anon! (it’s now afternoon here in the UK, and it was morning when I started this! I got a bit carried away). I don’t know that I’m necessarily the right person to ask about this, but here are some ideas of things I’ve found helpful/centring/calming anyway which you could draw from. Other folks, please feel free to chime in with your favourite ways to put the old year to bed and welcome in the new one!

(first of all, I’m sending you lots of virtual ghostli hugs to help drive away those holiday blues. That sucks, and I’m so sorry it’s been so tough for you.)

Here’s a rundown of what’s below, and I’ll put in a ‘keep reading’ so that it’s not an incredibly long post! Some of it is more on the ‘spiritutal’ side of things, and others are just mundane and practical things.

Congratulate yourself on making it through the clusterfuck that was 2020

Make some tea and meditate on what’s been and what you wish for

Go outside, be still, and breathe deeply

Let go of negative events and thoughts by writing them down, then safely burning the paper

Disconnect from social media for a few days (or however long you’re comfortable with)

Start a bullet journal

Write lists of goals for 2021 and then refine/distill them down to 3 manageable objectives

Commit 100% to 6 months of positive change

Pick three dates/months in the year when good things will happen, and make them happen (including growing veg/fruit)

Light a candle on the full moon or New Year

Ok, so, first of all, you’ve made it through this year!! That’s no small accomplishment, given the sheer volume of absolute shite that has been flung at us from all angles, no matter where in the world you live. Celebrate that. Seriously, I’m not being flippant. Take a moment of stillness wherever you are, be ‘present’, and just think about the fact that you’re here, right now, reading this post. Not everyone is here any more for one reason or another, but you did it. Congratulate yourself and celebrate that. Treat yourself to a slice of cake (or something you really enjoy) specifically to celebrate making it through 2020.

Make a cup of tea (try a new blend or recipe perhaps, or stick with your absolute favourite), or make a comforting drink of your choice. As you pour the water into the cup, breathe in the steam and enjoy the scent of it. Try and imbue all the positive things - memories, achievements, moments etc. - that you encountered this year into the tea/drink, and think about them growing in strength as the tea steeps, and envisage them continuing on to next year too. When you drink the tea, you take the positive thoughts into yourself and they become a part of you. You could try it in the morning with a caffeinated drink (if you enjoy those) and let it fuel you for the day, or you could try a herbal tea at night to let the good vibes steep overnight while you rest. Make it part of your daily routine; a private meditation.

Go outside and find a quiet spot somewhere and either stand or sit and just soak up the atmosphere. If there’s a tree nearby, think about the way its roots are planted in the earth, its trunk stands tall, and its branches reach towards the sky. Feel that space inside you. Breathe deeply in and out, visualising your lungs filling to the deepest parts, starting at the bottom. Count to four for each inhale, and six out (or whatever you’re comfortable with, so long as the exhale is longer than the inhale). This will help to still you and calm you.

If you have something fireproof (can just be a ceramic bowl), take a piece of paper and make a moment to write down all the negative things about this year, using a pen that you’re comfortable with. If you’re not one for words, draw pictures. You can make it really beautiful or just scribble it all down - it doesn’t matter. Get that shit out. Look at it for a while and read it through, mentally letting go of each thing as your eyes pass over it, then light one corner (carefully!!!) and let it burn somewhere with good ventilation (a cooker hood is good for that, but outside is better). Visualise all that negativity being swallowed by the universe and let it go. My favourite line from the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf comes at Beowulf’s funeral when a Geat woman is singing her grief at his passing to the sky, and there’s the simple sentence: “Heaven swallowed the smoke.” How beautiful is that? The sky swallowed up her grief as she poured it out to the universe. The negativity might take some time to vanish from your life (it’s not going to disappear at the same time as the paper, sadly!), but watching it go can be the first stage of letting things go. I did this last year, and I’m only just letting go of the last things on that list, but it was a start, and it made me feel more at peace. 

Disconnect from social media. I know that with so much more happening online this year out of necessity, we’ve become even more dependant on our phones and computers, and it’s wonderful that we have this chance to connect with people when we can’t see them face to face, but social media can also act as a crucible for negative feelings. People usually post the best or the worst aspects of what’s going on for them or what they care about, so it leads to a skewed view of both the world and of what’s going on amongst our connections. It’s easy to start feeling insignificant next to someone else because of their achievements or their looks etc. and it’s also easy to start to get a bleak outlook when the news is full of terrible stories and people are reacting to it in a volatile and often knee-jerk way. Take some time off - uninstall the apps, or put the limiter setting on, or just step back - for a day, two days, a week, whatever you’re comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be forever. If you use those platforms to talk to people, tell them what you’re doing, and give them another way to reach you if they need. No need to isolate yourself completely!! Think about how you felt before you started it (write it down?) and do the same afterwards, and compare. If it didn’t work for you, then that’s fine too. 

Start a bullet journal! Now is the perfect time to start bullet journaling. I first started this year when I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and my life was out of my control, and it’s really helped me to get a sense of order back. It’s not the magic cure-all for procrastinators and time wasters, trust me, but it can help to organise your mind as well as your day, and keep track of your habits etc. It can be literally whatever tool you need it to be. There’s a trend on social media - particularly Instagram and YouTube - that shows off these gorgeous journals that are basically works of art in themselves, and while it’s absolutely fine to aspire to that if you want to, the essential point of the bullet journal is to be a tool. You can buy print-outs from Etsy if you don’t fancy doing your own spreads. But don’t get completely hung up on pretty spreads and layouts because you won’t use it fully then. If you’ve got ‘new book fear’, like I did, make your own! I literally started my journaling by folding a few pieces of paper over, slapping a few stickers on them to cheer them up, and writing some lists. I didn’t buy a ‘proper’ journal until July 2020 when I’d got the hang of what I wanted out of the tool, and how to use it. I adapted one or two things, and I’ll be changing one or two things for next year, but it was a good way to start.

Here are two ‘minimalist’ journals and styles that I found helpful when setting mine up. They focus on usefulness and practicality, rather than overwhelming, artistic spreads and cutesy designs. I’m about to do a ‘plan with me 2021’ journal video for YouTube, so I’ll put that up when I’ve finished it, in case that’s helpful. 

Elsa Rhae

Pick Up Limes

Write down the things you want to achieve for 2021. These can be more abstract concepts like ‘more organised’ ‘healthier’ ‘start a business’ etc. Then, when you’ve got as many things as you’d ideally love to achieve/accomplish/manifest (don’t hold back at that stage), take another piece of paper and choose a maximum of six from that first lot to focus on, and below that, choose just three absolutely essential things to focus on. Make those your things for 2021.  

Now, this one is a personal one for me, so it may not be applicable at all to you/others, but I’ll share it anyway. For me, I need to make some significant lifestyle changes for my physical and mental health. So, I’ve decided to commit to 6 months of really hard work to bring about those changes. Time is going to pass anyway, from January to June. Six months will come and go anyway. Where will I be in six months’ time? I could be physically and mentally exactly where I am today. That thought is super depressing to me. Or, I could devote 200% focus, commitment, and energy, and bring about those changes, and be the ‘me’ I want to be in six months’ time.

It’s like the adage of ‘given a week to write a speech, it will take you a week, but given a day to write the same speech, it will take you a day’ - your brain will tell you it takes the amount of time that you have at hand to accomplish the task, and that’s simply how long it then takes. Use those three things from the 2021 list above, and commit to making those three things happen.

As an aside, tell someone (whose opinions you value) that you’re going to do this. By telling someone, you’re helping to cement the idea in reality, and you’ve got a support to turn to if it gets rocky, someone to cheer you on, and someone to celebrate with who knew what a struggle and commitment this was to you in the first place. 

Pick three points in the year where good things will happen. Book yourself something nice, save up for something and have it delivered then, or tell yourself that you will have achieved [x] by May, or September, or December. For me, it’s a working draft of my novel, and certain health goals by October, but make it yours, and keep those points fixed in your mind. It will help 2021 not to be one amorphous mass of time, and will give it structure and form. You could also choose to grow something in a pot - lots of vegetables can be grown cheaply from seed in a pot on a windowsill, and you’ll have something tasty to eat at the end of it!!

Here’s a slightly gentler idea to finish with: 

On New Year’s Eve take a moment to yourself, go outside if it’s not raining or too cold etc., light a candle, hold it (safely) in your hands, and be still. It doesn’t have to be exactly at midnight, but it will help your focus if it’s dark. Otherwise, go to a quiet part of the house and turn the lights down so that the candle flame is your focus. As before, think about what you’ve achieved this year, and be honest, not just negative! It’s very easy to say ‘oh I didn’t achieve anything, it all sucks, it was all awful’, when there will be tiny victories tucked away in there, I promise you, even if it was the toughest year of your life. Then think about where you are at the moment, mentally and physically. Acknowledge that state of being. Look at it with honest eyes. This moment is not for anyone else, so you don’t need to colour it one way or another. It’s for you. If you’re finding it hard not to be negative, be neutral. Let those thoughts come and go, and then turn your mind to the future. Mentally feed those negative thoughts into the flame in front of you, one at a time. Say it out loud if that helps, but do what makes you comfortable. Let the light from the flame fill your mind and your heart, and think about your intentions for the new year.  

Tonight (30th Dec) is a full moon, so if that is significant for you, you may wish to do this tonight instead of tomorrow. 

I hope that some of that gives you some inspiration, and I hope that people will chime in with their own new year’s rituals and habits. Be honest with yourself but not harsh, and be positive but not unrealistic. This year has been one hell of a ride, and we’re not done yet... Here in the UK, we’ve got the highest numbers of Covid that we’ve ever had, we’re in the harshest lock down (Tier 4) and can’t visit anyone, and we’re also going through Brexit (which is proving a nightmare for everyone, especially small businesses...).

Control the things you can control, and learn and employ systems to ride out the things that are beyond your influence. And take heart - you have a family of folks on here, all across the world!

[cupidhaos]

six months later

tw // mentions of suicide attempt, mental health talk

so i’ve been debating whether or not to get this off my chest or not and i’ve finally reached the decision that i’m going to talk about it. idk who will even read all of this mess but here i go! six months ago today i was in a very dark place and a very low point in my mental health that i tried to take my own life. some of you may know this but i was hospitalized and tried to take my own life back then. i struggle so hard with depression and anxiety that the feelings were overwhelming. i have a hard time opening up about my feelings and up to others and i’ll be honest i wasn’t in the best relationships back then either. i was in a toxic relationship despite how much i don’t want to admit it, and even though those people will always be dear to my heart - they really hurt me and damaged my mental health so severely that i don’t even think they realized it.

i remembered the day six months ago clearly. i remembered how i had the bottles of pills in my hand and i stood in front of my dad after i told him i took more than my daily dosage. i remember crying so much asking what i did wrong and why i was such a horrible person - asking him why everyone left me despite constantly giving my all into the relationship. i remembered my mom sobbing while i was laying in the hospital bed half awake. i thought that if i had taken my life it would’ve made things much easier for the people i cared about since i realized how my bad symptoms of depression were making them upset. how me not being able to properly handle my emotions were causing distress for those around me - i blamed every single thing on me because i honestly did believe that it was all my fault that and i deserved to be treated horribly.

i realized now that i was severely gaslighted in the relationship and manipulated when i was at my worst state. i will admit that i wasn’t the best at dealing and handling my emotions and i’m still learning how to do so without pushing them away. despite feeling like i was selfish for speaking about my feelings, i realize now that i wasn’t at all. its still hard to speak up about my experience and relationship from back then but i’m slowly coming to terms with what happened now.

throughout these last six months i’ve experienced a whirlwind of emotions. i lost a large majority of my friends and i’ve never felt more alone than i have these last six months. loneliness basically consumed me and i find it hard now to create friendships and relationships with others in fear of past treatment. i’ve experienced death with a close family member also recently and i’ve been silently grieving it by myself. i’ll admit that i’m still afraid to speak my mind most times and i tend to usually just let others walk over me - but i’m growing and despite being deeply deeply flawed i know that it’s a process and i’m willing to grow over it. six months ago i was pushed to my limit by some of the people that i cared the most about and blamed myself for everything. but it wasn’t all entirely my fault and i’ve realized that now.

i’m growing every day and i’m learning better to be a better version of myself than i was six months ago. despite having people that care for me and i can rely on, i still feel alone most days and i get drained easily (if you’re one of my friends i’m really sorry for being bad at messaging i just have a really hard time finding energy for conversations i swear i don’t mean to be rude). in all my nineteen years of living, these past six months i have felt the most lonely (and i had a very lonely childhood too i mean i wasn’t allowed outside and played in the closet for eleven years). the reason that i made this post is to not make people pity me or feel bad for me, but to make others who may be in the same position of me also that healing is a process and takes a long time. sometimes we may not even realize we’re in a toxic relationship until years later - and even though it was toxic it was still a learning experience that i was able to grow from.

i’m still growing and getting better everyday and healing. yes, i have felt really alone - but i’ve turned it into something that i can take advantage of as i use this time reflect on myself and see how i can be a better person not for others - but for me instead. i’m a completely different person than i was six months ago. i used to rely on validation from others and constantly blame things on myself and constantly apologize for everything i did. i thought that having a lot of friends was a good thing, but in some cases it isn’t. i constantly compared myself with others and was deeply insecure about all my relationships. even though i still have a hard time with keeping up conversations and speaking up about my issues in fear of being shut down, i’m doing the best i can and i really do appreciate all my friends that i have now that are so so understanding and patient with me. i can confidently and truthfully say for the first time in my nineteen years of living that i’ll be okay. i’ve gone through a lot to finally get to this point in my life, but i genuinely do think that i’m going to be okay.

[zerotherat]

Red and the Ladybug

DechartGames April prompts - Day 11, bugs

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I almost trip over a root that’s jutting from the ground. I catch myself and stumble as I slow down, then I drop to the ground. My chest hurts and my lungs sting, still heaving to take in breath. I can feel my heartbeat in my throat.

I think that maybe I should try those breathing or meditative exercises to calm down, but that's impossible to even try until I catch my breath. Instead, I sit on the ground with my legs crossed, focusing my eyes on a leaf as if my stare would cause it to catch on fire.

Then the anger flares again. It’s like a pulse of burning energy that sparks in my chest and moves to my arms and legs, the very reason I began my aimless race into the woods behind our house. Now I just hit the ground with my fist, knowing I won’t be able to run again for a good few minutes.

Since this ended up being unproductive and only managed to get my hand stabbed by a sharp twig, I unclench my fist and grab a handful of leaves. I bring the leaves closer to my face to observe. They aren’t bright, colorful leaves that have freshly fallen from the trees in autumn. They’re crumbly, brown leaves that have been long separated from their parent tree and are closer to decay. I look up to contrast these dry leaves to vibrant green ones that gently sway over my head.

When my eyes return to my handful of dirt and leaves, I notice something I hadn’t before. A little ant crawls across one of the leaves, probably confused by its changed environment. I watch it for a few moments, moving my hand around to watch it as it crawls around to the other side. I finally decide that it should get on with its job and get home, so I return the handful to where I found it, right next to the twig that betrayed me in my anger.

I watch the ant crawl away until I lose sight of it, then I return my gaze to the leaf I had previously tried to burn a hole through with my stare. I find that someone has taken up residence there now. A yellow ladybug sits on the leaf.

“Hi there,” I say to the ladybug, who doesn’t respond. “Sorry I tried to use laser vision on your leaf before.”

The yellow ladybug takes a couple of steps on the leaf, but then stops again. I take this as the bug’s introduction.

“I’m Red, by the way,” I say, then I chuckle to myself. “That’s kinda funny, because usually it’s ladybugs who are red. Yellow is a very nice color, I think.” The ladybug flutters its wings, and for a moment I’m afraid it’ll fly away and leave me alone. But then its wings return to its back and it sits still.

“I wonder if you're a boy ladybug or a girl ladybug, or maybe you're neither, like me,” I say. “I wonder if it’s weird for not-girl ladybugs that they have ‘lady’ in their name. But I guess it’s not weird that humans have ‘man’ in their name when they aren’t boys, so maybe not.”

I watch as the ladybug takes a few more steps on the leaf and then turns around. “I think it’s weird to keep calling you ladybug, so I’m going to give you a nickname if that’s alright. Bug is too literal and Leaf would be like calling a person House or Carpet. Your name needs to be better than that.” I think aloud, then I pause, noticing the shadows cast by the sun as it makes its daily journey across the sky. “How about Sunny? I like that for you. It’s nice to meet you, Sunny. How are you doing?”

Sunny doesn’t speak, but instead they take a few more steps, now in the other direction. They stop again, and I’m relieved because I don’t want them to leave.

“I hope you’re doing better than me. I’m just tired of everything, you know?” I ask. Sunny flaps their wings, as if to say they do understand. “I don’t know that I have a good reason for it all the time, but I’m so done with everything. It’s like I’m hitting my limit with the world. What do you think of the world, Sunny?”

I pause again, as if Sunny is giving their own input in this conversation. I like to think they are, anyway. “What are your parents like? My parents are okay, but sometimes it’s difficult to be around them. Sometimes they say really hurtful things when I’m in the room like they don’t even realize or care. And if I try to talk about something that I have different opinions on, they shut me down straight away. I can barely talk to them anymore, and when I saw little I thought they were the greatest people on the planet. Has that ever happened to you with your parents, Sunny?”

Sunny spins around on their little leaf, and then settles down facing me. “At least they started using my real name sometimes. Maybe one day, they’ll only call me their child, Red. My older brother yelled at them about it before, but he isn’t always around. Do you have any siblings?”

Sunny takes another step, but nothing more. I sigh. “I hope one day me and my parents will be close again, but that can’t happen until they realize and accept that I am who I am. If they never decide to do that, that’s their fault and they don’t need to be part of my family. I mean, they’ll always be my biological parents, but you can also choose your own family. I’ll give them a chance, but it can be exhausting to live with them like this. Do you feel tired often, Sunny? I do.”

Sunny doesn’t reply, so I continue. “I wonder if ladybugs get sad. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes it’s like I’ll never be able to stop being sad, but then one day I’m not, and I’m reminded that things aren’t always bad. You know, Sunny, it’s okay to be sad. But it’s also okay to ask for help when you’re sad and to find happiness where you can. Sometimes it’s the really small things that make us happy. Like extra fluffy stuffed animals, or the colors of the sky during sunset, or pictures of lizards. What little things make you happy, Sunny?”

Sunny turns and takes a few steps, and I think they might leave soon. “You may need to get going soon, don’t you? Before your parents start to wonder where you are. They don’t know you’re safe, just in the woods talking to a human called Red.”

I put my finger down in front of Sunny, and they step slowly onto my finger until they are standing carefully on my fingernail. They crawl around until they settle on the back of my hand. I smile, and only then do I realize my jaw is unclenched, my eyes don’t sting with the threat of tears, and my breaths come at a normal rate. “Thanks for your help, Sunny. It was lovely talking to you.” Sunny doesn’t reply, because they are a ladybug and can’t speak English. “I like your spots, by the way. I think I have to go now, though.”

I lower my hand to the ground and encourage Sunny the yellow ladybug to leave my hand. Once they’re on the ground, they flap their wings and I watch as they take flight. “Goodbye, Sunny.”

I quickly lose sight of the little yellow ladybug that kept me company when I was upset, so I turn and start walking home. This won’t be the last time I’m angry or sad or hurt, but I do have a new optimism that things will work out and a new friend I may never see again.

-----------

This is my first time posting on this site, so apologies if I did something wrong or messed something up! Just wanted to post this somewhere. :)

[rogueclonesftw]

hello! i don't know anything about your OC's, but i saw your post. could you perhaps list all of them with a short summary? 🙏🏻💕

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry this took so long to answer. I moved house and it was A Lot. My OCs are legion so for the sake of everyone else’s dashes I’m putting this under a read more

These are just for the clone wars era I’m leaving the rebels out of it

Thanks for asking!! Feel free to ask about anyone if you want to know more.

fair warning this is long af

I’m splitting it into sections to make this easier

Heretics

Jedi

Bela Rant

Togruta Jedi Master and mother Master of four Padawans children. Not a favourite of the Council due to differences in interpretation of the Code. Had an ongoing feud with Qui Gon Jinn that lasted until he died. She died in the war ten years later and Col took over her command.

Alask Racor

Grumpy Twi’lek first Padawan of Bela, had two Padawans of his own but was killed by pirates before the second was knighted.

Reya Meraska

Alask’s first Padawan. A human from Jedha and compassion incarnate. Had an uneventful apprenticeship and grew up to be comparatively quiet compared to the rest.

Ben Edo

Reya’s first and so far only Padawan. The model of a perfect Jedi except for thinking their interpretation of the Code is bullshit. Would have made one hell of a politician if he could stand the Senate. From Dantooine.

Tol Koden

Alask’s second Padawan, a very polite Zabrak. Alask died when he was 17 and Jos took over his training. He and Ben are the same age and were raised basically together.

Jos Vel

Stubborn and opinionated Kiffar. Bela’s second Padawan. Had her own (equally stubborn and opinionated) Padawan and then took over Tol’s training when Alask died.

Harlan Konshi

Jos’s Padawan. Also a Kiffar. Would also make a fine politician because being raised by Jos taught him to argue. He’s a bit of a jackass but in a charming way. Like, he’s a prick but you still like him.

Azaana Tyl

Harlan’s sweet, quiet, shy Togruta Padawan. Jos laughed so hard when she heard about that. Harlan is trying to teach her self-confidence. The baby of the family.

Col Blackmoor

Bela’s third and most disastrous Padawan. The former Temple Problem Child (now Temple Problem Adult). Not that he spends much time in the Temple. Was so far out on the Outer Rim he didn’t find out there was a war on until he had to come back and take over Bela’s legion. The worst case of ADHD the Temple has ever seen.

Lena Sola

Col took her in after an incident with her former Master almost saw her kicked out of the Order. Col intervened. She’s still uncomfortable around most Jedi, but they’re working on it. Sweet kid. Kage.

Aden Jadus

Bela’s final Padawan, knighted just before Geonosis. Yes, she’s from Tatooine. No, that does not mean she knows Skywalker. Stop asking.

Not-Jedi

Vale

The oldest of the bunch, Reya’s Commander. Has enough Big Dad Energy to build a deck at 20 paces. Meat grills in his presence and the shinies all fear his disappointed frown.

Nill

Jos’s Commander. Deeply claustrophobic. A nice, likeable guy unless you piss him off. Caffeine demon.

Jax

Clone Commander and Col Wrangler in Chief, Col regards his Commander with barely disguised awe. He considers him his closest friend. For his part, Jax thinks similarly highly of Col. He likes to draw when he gets spare time (rarely). Grew up with Sonny and Cody. Very protective of Lena.

Crater

Professional Ray of Sunshine, the exact opposite of his twin. Crater and Crash grew up with Wolffe. Crater was assigned to Ben, and he likes his General, really, but the man never sleeps. It’s starting to stress him out.

Click

Professional Salt Mine assigned to the Galaxy’s Politest Jedi because apparently the GAR runs on irony. Makes Wolffe look like a ray of happy, happy sunshine.

Pip

The perpetual optimist to Aden’s incredible pessimist. Remains stubbornly cheerful by choice, because if he doesn’t laugh he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop crying.

Dexter

Professional Grouchy Bastard. Likes Harlan well enough but will absolutely tell him he’s full of shit. If Azaana likes you, Dexter will tolerate your existence. If you make Azaana sad they will never find your body. A training accident left him with scars and a deep growl in his voice that makes him sound angrier than he is.

Stitch

Col’s CMO and the only person Jax legitimately fears. Deeply wishes his siblings and General would get injured less and look after themselves more. Is willing to enforce this with sedatives.

Zip

The Right Hand of God (Stitch’s second in command). He who wields the big needles.

Layne

Cheerful but stressed Captain of a company of reckless idiots who really should know better but apparently don’t. He should be used to it. He grew up with Rex.

Trip and Tap

Two survivors of Krell reassigned to Col. Tap has a nervous habit of tapping his fingers. Trip can trip over thin air.

Jazz, Snap and Void

A trio. Jazz likes to wander off. Void likes to hide. Snap likes to complain they’re giving him grey hair from the stress of having them disappearing all the time.

Ray and Rico

The product of an embryo that split, Ray and Rico lived in fear of being culled as defects on Kamino. They’ve since left Kamino, but the fear hasn’t left them.

Lys

A tired medic who would like Dexter to drink something that isn’t caf please.

Tyke

The medic with the most agreeable Jedi (Tol). He barely has to bully him into seeking medical attention at all. Such a shame that his Commander seems determined to make up for it by being a complete bastard. If Click wants to get tackled in the hallway, that’s his lookout.

Rill

Has a particular interest in medical research. Or he would if he ever had the time. 

Corrie

The youngest CMO in the GAR. Just barely 18, only on the field for six months and never meant to be CMO at all. But she’s the only medic Pip’s got left after that clusterfuck, so they’re all doing their best. She might be young but she will absolutely yell at a commander you see if she doesn’t.

New Dawn Crew

Not-Clones

Mira Vin 

A female Kiffar former Jedi whose Master died on Geonosis. The Council were going to knight her and make her a General, so she told Windu to stick it up his ass and ran away to the Outer Rim to harass slavers and save “defective” clones.

Kell Vekarr

An Alderaanian former Jedi who was rescued from slavers as a child. Finally took the 20 remaining members of his command and ran when the rest were killed over Ando. Jaster’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Jaster Toran

True Mandalorian bounty hunter who was betrayed by a client and sold into slavery. Joined the crew upon his rescue four years later. Kell’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Riye Toran

Jaster’s older sister who joined the crew to look for him and then stuck around because she liked it there.

Volya’tar

Twi’lek former slave who freed herself and stole a ship. Pilot, mechanic and Mira’s best friend.

Pash Colton

Dyspraxic dyslexic Corellian with more brains than sense. An engineering genius who has wisdom as his dump stat. Also sometimes a smuggler.

Jaina Bell

Tiny and terrifying. Orphaned at a young age and grew up to be a smuggler, mechanic and pilot.

Ela

Nonbinary Lorrdian. Has a long horrendous Lorrdian name they never use. Joined the crew because slavers suck and anything that makes their lives difficult is a good thing. Stuck around for the people.

Black Company

Halcyon

An ARC Captain known for his green hair and endless patience. Considers Kell a close friend but calls him Commander regardless. Used to fight Rex a lot as a kid. Please let this man rest.

Bones

Halcyon’s batchmate and Black Company’s CMO. A cranky bugger, but that’s understandable considering what he deals with daily.

Pax

The peacemaker between his idiot brothers and everyone else for as long as they can remember. A chill guy, but even chill guys have limits.

Tracyn and Carud

Two of the Nightmare Children. Their names are fire and smoke and they cause a lot of both, raising Pax’s blood pressure and driving Bones into apoplectic rage.

Isa

Jaro’s long suffering sister. Usually has to track him down to make him go to sleep. Has a weekly commiseration session with Ari (alcohol optional but recommended).

Jaro

Named for the Mando’a word for reckless and boy howdy is it accurate. The ADHD doesn’t help.

Ari

Rio’s batchmate and she loves her brother dearly but she is so done with his shit.

Rio

The last of the original Nightmare Children, ADHD disaster and source of most of Bones’s workload.

Kee and Jam

Nonbinary comms officers who bicker very cheerfully. Usually with each other. Often at high volume through the halls of the ship.

Torin

Gay artist baby.

Kol

Gay artist bastard.

Charly

Honestly he’s just here for a laugh and his brothers respect him for it. You’ve got to find your joy where you can get it these days.

Dys

Takes great delight in moving Set’s things just a couple of centimetres. Just enough to annoy him. Will deck anyone else who tries the same thing.

Set

Also known as Corporal Square Corners. Everything has to be neat and tidy. He was a godsend before inspections. Now he’s just the reason people have somewhere to sit.

Slip

Known for giving his trainers the slip and disappearing into the bowels of Kamino when they were doing training exercises he didn’t like and then getting stuck and having to be retrieved by Chase.

Chase

More like chase-ing his brother through the halls of Kamino to keep him out of trouble. There’s a running joke that he should have ended up in search and rescue.

Bright

Was he named for his bright red hair or as an ironic comment on his general outlook on life? Who knows? Not him. A pessimist if there ever was one.

Impulse

Full name Have-You-Ever-Heard-Of-Impulse-Control and no, he hasn’t.

Cuyan Squad

Sonny

A naturally blond, autistic, Force-sensitive Commander who survived Kamino by the skin of his teeth. Grew up with Cody and Jax. Hyper efficient Can, will and has broken people’s faces for saying shit about the Coruscant Guard.

Zak

Force-sensitive Captain who despises soup and has incredible claustrophobia. Good with kids though. Autistic.

Ru

Force-sensitive autistic Lieutenant. Quieter than Zak, and fully supports his vendetta against soup. Has his own vendetta against food that stabs you in the mouth.

Bang

Force-sensitive bomb-tech. Partially deafened in an explosion which also gave him some pretty intense scarring. Gets nervous when he can’t see people behind him.

Bit

Force-sensitive techie with a penchant for weapons modification and data slicing. Gives the best hugs in the squad.

Tink

If it’s broken Tink can fix it. The resident ADHD Force-sensitive techie. Has a tendency to hyperfocus on projects to the exclusion of all else.

Flow

De facto squad medic because he’s the best at Force-healing of the lot of them. He does not appreciate this, this is not what he trained for, you’re voiding his warranty, vode please. Dyed his hair purple because he could.

Edge

Thrill seeker with electric blue hair and boundless energy. The ADHD doesn’t help with the fidgeting, but he likes to go fast so Force-augmented speed is pretty great.

Ry and Cas

True twins born from the same tube, they’re the Fred and George Weasley of clones. They’ve got the red hair and everything. Judicious use of the Force makes pranks far easier.

Other

Caj, Chess and Blade

The brothers in charge of the homebrew alcohol. The taste is a work in progress, but the last batch didn’t make anyone go blind.

Rictor and Sike

Survivors of Krell who deal with their trauma in very different ways. Rictor is terrified of authority in case they turn out like Krell. Sike figures if he survived that he can survive anything and mouths off constantly.

Kano and Oly

Batchmates who were reconditioned separately (for nightmares and injury, respectively) and reunited upon Kano’s rescue. Oly had been with the crew for months by then. They both cried.

Sitrep, Conn and Sig

Three more nonbinary comms officers. A cheerful bunch who like to argue. Usually with each other. The problems started when they started arguing with their General.

Aran, Orar and Tay

Three heavy gunners who fight TJ a lot because the little twerp is asking for it (literally). Tay is relentlessly cheerful, Aran the exact opposite, and you’re lucky to get three words out of Orar in a row.

Ani, Mirdir and Dajun

Techies and mechanics who prefer wires to people. Mirdir and Dajun have known each other since birth and bicker a lot. Ani mostly ignores them.

Dane

A captain who finally snapped and told his General where he could stick his suicidal orders.

Sprint

Full name Slow-Down-There’s-No-Need-To-Sprint, a six foot ball of energy and barely contained enthusiasm. Usually found hurtling around the place at ludicrous speeds.

Crash

An anxious, autistic pilot who has never crashed his ship. He has, however, crashed himself into doors, siblings, training sergeants.

Rainer

A really chill guy who got shipped off for being too violent after a misunderstanding about a sparring match. TJ’s favourite sparring partner.

TJ

Likes to fight, does not care if his opponent could physically snap him in half. Sometimes he just has to beat his brain into submission via getting the crap beaten out of his body. Usually succeeds in provoking the heavy gunners into fighting him.

Zero

TJ’s perpetually worried brother. Really wishes TJ would chill. Dyslexic and has a recurring leg injury that won’t heal. Gets bored easily.

Brook and Storm

A pair of total nerds who get so engrossed in arguing that they don’t realise they’re about to walk into a tree. Frequently wander off and have to be returned.

Jai, Tala, Teek, Niko and Galaar

Five ARCs who got sent back to Kamino for telling their General to go kriff himself. Jai is Force-sensitive. Galaar is just a prick with a terrible sense of humour.

[knowyourincantations]

Minding One’s Limits - Cho/Ginny

For Sapphic September 2019 Day 6: “Take us home.”  from @rockmarina​���s prompt list.

G-rated | 1,548 words | EWE, Post-Hogwarts, Established Relationship, Disabled Character, Light Angst, Fluff

(AO3 | My other Sapphic September 2019 works: AO3 | Tumblr)

Minding One’s Limits

As much as Cho had been enjoying the morning, when they ducked out of the newly opened Quidditch museum to sit down for a cuppa in a nearby cafe, she almost collapsed into a chair with relief.

While Ginny went up to the counter to order for them, she let herself hunch over and grimace through the pain. The museum was larger than either of them had anticipated, and they hadn’t made it through even half of it before it was time for a rest and morning tea.

The day had started out so well, more energy than she’d felt in a while, and her pain levels delightfully low, perhaps from sheer excitement alone.

But now she felt as though a building had crumbled down on top of her.

“I got us some scones with cream and jam,” Ginny said as she neared the table again, sliding into the seat opposite Cho’s and depositing her bag over the back of her chair. “And I ordered Earl Grey for a change. They have rose petals in theirs, I thought that would be nice to try. Sound alright?”

Cho fought the weight dragging her down to sit up a little straighter and smile at her.

“Sounds lovely,” she said.

“I’m glad we went a bit further,” Ginny said, peering around the cafe. It was muggle, and only a few tables were occupied. All the places close to the museum had been packed, and the mere sight of them and the sound pouring out of them had made Cho cringe. “A week after opening and the museum is still being flooded.”

“I suppose lots of other people thought waiting a bit would be a good idea too,” Cho said, shifting in her chair to try and ease the pain in her legs.

“I still can’t believe that first exhibit,” Ginny breathed, gesturing wildly. “It hardly counts as Quidditch but the similarities are there. It predates the information in all the books on Quidditch history I’ve read. They really weren’t bluffing in their ads in the Daily Prophet, they really do have newly uncovered history found nowhere else.”

Cho nodded, drinking in Ginny’s excitement. It made her fatigue feel stronger to see her gesture so exuberantly, but she loved to see her so excited.

“I could have done without the taxidermic snidget display though,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “They could have constructed replicas. Even transfigured something, like they did for the active displays.”

The practice of using a living creature as the snitch was a dark stain on the sport’s history as far as she was concerned. And she was still trying to forget the materials used for the early Quaffles.

“I agree,” Ginny said, scrunching up her face as well. “But I suppose they’ve been sitting around in cupboards for so long they may as well be used. At least they included information about the conservation efforts going on. I didn’t realise they were still endangered.”

Cho shifted in her chair again and Ginny’s focus sharpened on her. It was on the tip of Cho’s tongue to say she was fine, but Ginny was already reaching for her bag.

“Sorry,” she muttered, digging through it. “We should have popped out for a break an hour ago. I shouldn't have let myself lose track of time.”

Under her breath, she whispered a notice-me-not charm, and then passed a pain potion over to Cho. She was always so quick to blame herself, and Cho couldn’t stand it.

“I lost track of time myself,” Cho said firmly, taking the potion and downing it. The merest fraction of her pain eased a few moments later, and her stomach sank. She’d have to switch potions again soon. “I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks.”

Ginny took the vial from her and slipped it back into her bag, then reached across the table and took her hand.

“We don’t have to see everything at once. Don’t push yourself too hard,” she said gently.

Old frustration wormed its way to the surface until Cho felt tears pricking behind her eyes. She shook her head and forced it back down. It wasn’t the time to dwell on how the things that had once been so easy were now so hard.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I’m really enjoying myself.”

It didn’t look like Ginny was buying it, but their scones and tea were brought over a moment later and she let the subject drop.

While they ate and sipped their tea, which really was lovely, Ginny kept her distracted by talking about the exhibits they’d seen. She got particularly fired up about the historic fight for the inclusion of women into the sport at all, and then the one for the end of gender segregation in teams.

Cho listened and participated less and less. By the time they finished the pot of tea, Ginny reached for her hand again.

“Time to go home?” she asked.

“No,” Cho said quickly, only realising she’d slumped when she had to fight to pick herself up.

“We really can come back another day,” Ginny said, looking concerned. “There’s so much to see, it’s better to draw it out really, otherwise it’s like an information overload.”

It made sense, but they were already so close.

“Just a bit longer?” Cho asked.

Ginny pursed her lips but nodded. She waited patiently while Cho struggled out of her chair, joints grown stiff after sitting still for so long after being on her feet for too long before sitting down. She even kept her mouth shut as Cho’s first steps were more like hobbling along than walking.

They were halfway back to the museum when the pain grew too much. Cho turned into an alley and leaned against the wall.

Ginny sighed and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I know this is a lot about your own expectations for yourself, but in case you’re worried, I’ve had a thoroughly lovely morning, and don’t mind at all if we go home now,” she said.

Cho closed her eyes in a grimace against shooting pains in her ankles and calves. She inhaled sharply and held her breath for a few moments.

When she exhaled, she sagged against the wall in defeat.

“Alright,” she said, squeezing Ginny’s hand in return. “Take us home.”

Ginny gently pulled her close and glanced around. Where the alley opened to the street, a few people passed by. As soon as the way was clear, Ginny Apparated them away.

When they landed in their bedroom, frustration welled up in Cho again, but she let Ginny ease her onto the bed without a fuss.

“I’ll make a hot water bottle for your ankles,” Ginny said, skimming a hand down Cho’s leg to rest on her left ankle for a moment.

Cho closed her eyes and grimaced. “I can do it myself.”

Ginny sighed and leaned over her to meet her eye. Cho looked away. She was getting too defensive, she knew. It wasn’t about Ginny, and she was lucky that Ginny knew that and didn’t get too frustrated with her.

“It’s been a long morning,” Ginny said softly. “Give yourself some credit. We saw several exhibits, and that was after waiting in line to get in. We’ll go again another day.”

“Fine,” Cho muttered. She couldn’t argue Ginny’s point, it was the longest she’d been on her feet in a long time. She should be proud of that and not let herself get wound up. It wasn’t like it was new anymore. “Can you grab the book I was reading off the arm of the sofa since you’re going that way?”

Ginny nodded and ducked down to kiss her quickly. When she left the room, Cho sagged into the bed and groaned. She let herself have a few moments before struggling up and tugging off her shoes.

It hurt to spread out her toes, but she did, rubbing at her feet and then her ankles. She may as well have not taken any pain potion at all, and made a note to look into another alternative.

When Ginny returned, she had propped herself upright against the headboard, sagging against the pillows and far more tired than she had been before they’d Apparated away. Ginny set a hot water bottle over her ankles and handed her the book.

Instead of wandering off to do something else, she clambered into the other side of the bed with a pile of information booklets they’d picked up at the museum.

Cho sat stiffly for a moment, then leaned against her side. With a soft sigh, Ginny turned and kissed the side of her head then snuggled down deeper against the pillows.

“I really am enjoying today,” Ginny said softly.

Cho stared at the open pages of her book and tried to think back to before the pain and fatigue had set in. She really had lost track of time herself, looking at exhibits and finding herself distracted enough to ignore the warning signs of reaching her limit.

“Me too,” she replied, more to herself than Ginny. It was important she didn’t forget the good parts of each day.

“I’m glad,” Ginny whispered, like it was a secret, before kissing the side of her head again.

End.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider reblogging so others might see it too and/or leaving a comment/kudos on AO3 =)

[cyanpeacock]

that comic is big hueg mood and i value it a lot.

mental illness really isn’t about “oh just be thankful for what you CAN do!”

it’s sometimes (always?) about “i know i’m capable of doing Even Better, if i just had some help! i’m not well! i’m thankful every day that i’m not worse, but it fucking burns me to know how much better i COULD be doing with more support!!”

and if you appear to be high-functioning, even if that level is like, abysmal compared to what you know your mind and body would actually be capable of in better circumstances, you sort of get... abandoned? like, “oh, that one is doing well enough.” and seeking out the necessary support to improve your functioning level requires SO much time and energy that it is literally killing people. 

like i have so many suicide attempts i can’t count them under my belt. i’ve got self harm scars on every limb and they number, like... well, it’s in the hundreds, for sure. i’ve got no IRL social network. a lot of my daily energy goes on regulating emotions and processing trauma. i can’t drive, i can assemble some food sometimes but can’t reliably cook, etc etc.

and because i’m in university - still there by sheer force of will, because this is the ONLY thing that might land me in reasonable comfort in the future - and not in trouble with the school, i’ve been written off again and again by mental health services. it’s always, “come back in six months,” or “here’s a referral for a 12-week group, in two years’ time,” and “oh, has it been two months? i’m sorry, we haven’t got around to allocating you a community psychiatric nurse yet” 

i’m here like, what... the fuck? i feel like, it’s been assumed i’m a person of average ability, with minor problems, and i can just Get On With It. when actually, i’m well aware i’m a person of exceptional academic ability, with really quite significant social, emotional, and mental health problems, particularly like... in terms of trust. and it makes me fucking furious, and at times ashamed, that i’m coming up to 22 years old, my secondary school peers are graduating, and i’m only just going into second year. i was ahead of my peers for So Long. i should still be there. but because nobody believes i need fucking help, i’m getting delayed more and fucking more!!! it burns me!!!!!

like, of course i can fucking Get On With It. that’s all i CAN do, it’s my Priority, My Degree Is My Life This Secures A Future I Could Accept. i can learn semantic information without ever fucking touching my trust/interpersonal issues. and i don’t think anybody just skimming my case notes can grasp how much this fucking course means to me, how much sheer fucking aggression i’ve had to channel to get here, to stay here.

like they don’t see how i haul myself out of my apartment when i’m fucking suicidal to show to the lectures. how I take notes from the lecture recordings for every. single. lecture. i miss because i’m too exhausted or overwhelmed to make it to the hall. how i never chat in the lab because i’m scared as hell and have to get into a mindset that goes I’m Here To Fucking Learn Not To Make Friends, although i’d really like to make friends. how exam revision takes priority to the exclusion of eating and sleeping, how I have to set myself timers and force myself to eat and sleep, how my walls get covered in webs and webs of colourful revision post-it notes and i spend hours and hours arranging them Perfectly so i can remember the whole thing as a 3D spatial map inside my brain. how i give myself eyestrain and migraines from staring at books and screens for so long, how i don’t fucking wash myself, or clean my apartment, or say a word to anyone but myself for days or weeks. how i’m so fucking hurt that it took me two years to do first year, how i’m having to go part time for second year. like, this is not healthy learning. this is, I’m Going To Die If I Don’t Cling The FUCK On To This Opportunity, This Lucky Fucking Break That Is Going To Save My Life. and i’m NOT fucking giving it up. 

they don’t seem to see that AT THE SAME TIME i’ve been off on my fucking own learning and practicing DBT skills, how i taught myself to meditate when my mind is still screaming Kill Yourself Kill Yourself Kill Yourself, how i’ve been seeing a private counsellor who i can’t afford from the wallet but who i have to afford so i don’t try to kill myself even more fucking often. how i’ve been looking around to try and find like, a faith that might give me more reason to keep fighting, how i do all that shit like taking walks in nature and working out and maintaining a good sleep schedule, and yet, i’m Still Not Well. 

like here i am with the SAME trauma spinning around my head and the SAME terror of social situations and the SAME goddamn increasing fear every time i push myself to “just join a group!! just talk to people!! it gets easier the more you do it!!!”

that’s the FUCKING PROBLEM! i’m DOING all the easy shit, all the “just make lifestyle changes! :) x”!!!!!!! there is still shit that gets HARDER the more i do it!!!!!!! i get MORE anxious and MORE scared and MORE defensive and MORE avoidant the more i push myself to Just Talk To People and the better somebody knows me, because the more they know, the more they have to use as a fucking weapon! this is why I shut down and say “Oh you know I’m okay :)” in my fucking appointments!!!! because they send me to SO MANY different people, who BARELY skim my case notes, and i have no opportunity to develop enough trust with them to tell them the whole truth! which is, “dude, i feel like shit. i’m behind where i Should be given my age and ability. i have no friends, i’m terrified of people who start to get to know me. i’m constantly trying to process trauma, but it’s always the same pain, and then i remember something else painful, and it’s all more fucked up the older i get, and there’s a limit to what i can do about this alone, and i’m overwhelmed. i’m used to it, because i’ve been living this way for so fucking long, but i’m furious, because you people should have KEPT me from getting used to living like this. and i Don’t. Want. To Live. This. Way. Forever.” 

they haven’t even given me the fucking opportunity to build ANY significant, long-term therapeutic relationship with ANY NHS mental health practitioner. i haven’t seen anybody for more than like, three appointments, except my goddamn private counsellor, who is a blessing and lets me pay him in artwork when the cash runs out. and he always looks so angry and disappointed that the NHS are doing so fucking little for me, but never that way in me, which i have seen from so-called mental health “professionals,” including crisis team workers, on the NHS. 

like, the last time i saw a psychiatrist, he had a face on him like NBC’s Hannibal fucking Lecter and he said word-for-word “I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you.” what kind of fucking health professional comes out with shit like THAT? and shortly after that appt I got increasingly unstable, went psychotic, trashed my apartment, tried to commit suicide again, then spent all my fucking money running all over the country and ended up here, in a flat in halls my uni are paying for while i bit-by-bit clean up my apartment, alone because i don’t trust anybody else to touch MY THINGS, until it’s livable again.

i think i’m gonna print a lot of these recent text posts and take them to my case review. i’ve always been too ashamed to take anything significant that i write to Brain Appointments, because, like... well. mother is to blame for that. “melodramatic/theatrical/overemotional/I think you’re just tired/making things up/imagining things” and so on. and the fact that when it was found out by my school i was self harming and they told her, shit got so much worse at home. like, that pretty effectively taught me Hide Everything Or You’ll Be Punished, Even By People Who Say They’re Just Trying To Help You. 

man, seriously, fuck this shit. fuck this shit. fuck how hard i’m having to fight for this. fuck all this terror and aggression, sure I can pilot the ship on fear and fury, but i wanna pilot it just like, gently, with love and enthusiasm. i’ve been finding ways to start doing that, alone. but this whole, social stuff? i can’t do that alone. the social space inside my head is healthier, i’m not screaming and fighting with the voices, or constantly blocking them out with music and drugs and trances, but Other Bodies? i need help with Other Bodies.

ok im getting a headache so it’s time to call this post Done

[veryimportantsparkles]

Alright I’ve kept meaning to do sort of an infodump on my projects because I’ve been really slipping lately.  I dunno how obvious it is?  Probably kind of obvious.  I’ve also been really bad about checking messages and responding to people.  So I figure I can write up a status report and then point to it when I’ve been inadequate about communication.

My IRL job has been wiping me out.  I’ve been getting short, labor-intensive shifts in the evenings, and then random surprise morning shifts shortly after, which has been really hard to manage my time around.  My sleep schedule has been extremely broken and it’s affected my productivity a LOT.  Leadership in my department is about to shuffle around and I’ve been interviewed for the manager position.  If I get it I’ll be working an entirely different schedule, which could potentially be good for my sleepy brain but will definitely leave me with less art time overall.  I’ve also been enduring some back/shoulder issues over the past few months.  Nothing urgent, but it’s limiting how much I can draw each day.  I think replacing my desk chair is going to be a big factor but it’s not the only factor.  I just need to be a smart human and take care of my joints and not hunch over so much.  Working on it.

Here’s the current status of my various art projects:

Laserwing

I ended chapter 5 in June and said I would finish up some other side projects before I start concept work for chapter 6.  One of the projects I needed to finish was the Popkas Yugioh season 4 special, which I finished.  The other big one was my Neonmob card set, which is most of what I’ve been posting lately.  Once that’s out of the way (see below) I need to do concept art.  Chapter 6 will put all the Laserwing characters in new outfits which will need reference sheets.  I’ll need background sketches and layout diagrams so I don’t have furniture shuffle randomly around between scenes.  I also need to sketch out the chapter 6 draft page by page.  I’ve made Laserwing in GIMP up until this point and am going to try switching to Krita for chapter 6.  I might need to do a test page to make sure my process transfers over well into a slightly different system.  Once I’m ready to make real pages, those take a while.  Chapter 5 pages were going up maybe every 2-3 weeks.  I don’t know how many pages are going to be in chapter 6, nor can I say for sure how many chapters are in Laserwing.  An old outline had maybe 40 chapters.  It’s a story with a defined end point, I can say that for certain, but it’s intended to be long.

Popkas

I’ve had issues with Popkas for a while.  I keep picking new themes for dailies, thinking they’re going to be quick and easy, but then end up making them hard for myself.  It’s been to my benefit, I’ve forced myself into learning new art programs and techniques through Popkas.  But it’s hard to keep up the daily schedule.  Currently I’m doing the Paper Mario: TTYD bestiary, which has 124 enemies.  At a rate of one per day, by the time I’ve finished them, Pokemon Sword and Shield should be released and we’ll have all the info about the new Pokemon.  Those will be drawn in ‘Popka classic’ style (scribbly shitposts).  After those are finished, unless my IRL work situation dramatically changes, I’m considering putting Popkas on pause.  In order to do any other monster dexes I’d have to do a lot more research (for example, people have suggested Yokai Watch but I’ve never played one) in order to have anything meaningful to post.  Same deal with Popka Specials (the anime writeup things), those take prep time and anime-watching time that I might not have.  I don’t ever want to end Popkas, but a hiatus might be necessary.

Angelfire Hime

Did anyone even know about Angelfire Hime?  Well I want to post more but that involves finding, scanning, retouching, and transcribing my old high school scribble comics.  It takes as long as any other project but is also low priority because it’s all old content.  Nobody is waiting for the latest update because nobody but me actually knows what that content is, and possibly nobody but me can even read it.  It’s more a personal journey of self-reflection than anything.  I want to return to it but not at the expense of better work.

MeganFantastic dot com

I had a domain name linked to a tumblr that was supposed to be my news blog/front page and I barely use it.  Also, I let the domain registration drop.  Also, I had let a typo in my banner graphic go unnoticed for YEARS and still haven’t fixed it.  Even now, I’m writing this big post to my personal blog instead of the one for news.  The idea was to eventually buy some real hosting and make MeganFantastic a whole site of its own, but that’s a lot of work.  I’ve got a generally good idea of HOW I’d do it (probably wordpress) but I’m not a coder, it would take a lot of trial and error.  This would be a huge undertaking and eventually Laserwing, Popkas, and all my other junk would be contained on one big non-tumblr website.  But it’s uhhhhh not happening yet.

Hundera Youtube

My contribution to our LP channel is to show up, talk about video games, and then draw title cards.  All recording, editing, and channel management is maintained by Josh, and I can’t speak on his behalf about our update schedule.  I will say there are a lot of half-finished games we want to return to.  I will also say that when the new Pokemon comes out Josh is dead set on recording it.  I don’t know if he intends that to be a stream or a regular LP.  In the meantime he streams Minecraft with his friends every Sunday and we fit in our own streams and recordings when we can.

Commissions/Patron Art/etc

I’ve not been very good about this lately and I’m truly sorry!  I have a few things I’m working on, a few things I’ve promised to start working on, and a few things I’ve told people I can do once my workload lightens up, which hasn’t been happening yet.  I really don’t have an answer.  I almost never delete anything so if I’ve been sent a message in any form I should still have it, and I’ll be sure not to forget anyone.  And if I do forget someone feel free to throw rocks at me!

Rane Story 2

What the heck is Rane Story 2?  Well I guess I have to explain Neonmob.  Imagine if ChickenSmoothie and DeviantART had a baby.  It’s a virtual trading card site, which is fun and cute, and I’m drawing out a card series to release on there.  I’ve been using it as practice for painting backgrounds and to fill out some backstory for some 4th-string Laserwing support characters.  Before Mistaire came to Earth, she went to space high school, and that’s where Rane Story takes place.  You can preview the series, and when it’s finished I’ll post about it.  I’ll also repost all the art to DA.  If you scroll through the last several pages of this blog you’ll see some of the art.  I’ve put a lot of my brain energy into getting this done in spite of my work/sleep issues because I don’t want to resume Laserwing until I’ve finished it.  This is what’s stolen my life, guys.  Right now I have 6 more cards to make, and then I have to write and finalize all the text.  I should be done SOON.

Pokemon Nonsense

When my back and shoulder get too hurty and I have to take a break from drawing, one of the easy things to do is whip out a DS and play Pokemon.  I’ve done a lot of twitter shitposting about it lately.  I’ve also drawn up a bunch of gijinkas for my Pokemon.  I’m talking about it now because I also intend to draw up gijinkas for Pokemon to trade away.  I’ve already done a few.  However, I don’t know for sure how I’m going to distribute them.  The idea is people can trade actual Pokemon with me (in either X or Let’s Go Eevee) and the Pokemon they get will come with a character design for you to keep.  I was thinking I might do a discord server for organizing trades and such, but I haven’t yet.  Mostly because it’s low priority and I have SO many other things going on.  But actually playing Pokemon can happen when I’m too fatigued for real work, so the horde keeps growing.  Hopefully my posts and scribbles about it are entertaining.

I feel like there’s other projects on hold that I wanted to discuss, but right now I’m too braintired to remember, and some of my ‘projects’ never actually got talked about online so nobody’s waiting for an update.  My greatest problem seems to be that I try to juggle too many pointless side projects and then drop them all over the place.  Sometimes I’ll shitpost about an idea and even I won’t be sure if I was serious or not.  How do I end this post?  I don’t know.

tl;dr Megan is SLEEPY and dropped her spaghetti everywhere but somehow still has time to play POKEMON and WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

[awake-and-strange]

This obituary by Janis Ian about Anne McCaffrey is very A Passion for Friends:

There've been so many mentions of Anne McCaffrey in the post below, I thought to post this homage I wrote for Locus Magazine when Annie died. I miss her, a lot. I kept a few of the most precious books she gave me, but last time I opened one I burst into tears... I feel fortunate to have loved someone so wonderful, to have been loved in return, and to miss her this much. From Locus Magazine: THE MASTERHARPER IS GONE "I have a shIelf of comfort books, which I read when the world closes in on me or something untoward happens." —Anne McCaffrey I miss her fiercely, more than I have any right to miss her. I remind myself of this whenever I run into her at the library and am stricken with tears. She was not kin, was not connected to me by family ties, not even a distant cousin. Not even Jewish. I have no right to miss her this much. And once in a while, when I chide myself for my silly sentimentality, the sudden lightning that pierces my heart gives way to a duller, deeper pain. One I can live with, perhaps. Like today, waking to a terrible cold, with headache and foggy brain I reach for solace. Put on my red flannel comfort shirt, add my favorite PJ bottoms, then a pair of  fleece-lined slippers. Make my favorite tea, cover myself with an old patchwork quilt, and reach blindly for a book on my “comfort shelf.” Of course. I can’t escape her. Hours later, still miserable, I finish "All the Weyrs of Pern"  for the umpteenth time, and scold myself for the tears that fall – first, because she is gone, and second, because I never really succeeded in telling her just how much she meant to me. I’d never heard of her when I stumbled across for "The Ship Who Sang" at my local library. I wrote to her, saying that it had moved me profoundly, wondering how a prose writer could have such a clear understanding of a musician’s soul. Being one myself, I said, a musician that is, and would like to send a copy of my last record in gratitude. She responded with a laugh that she had never heard of me but oh my, her children had, and could we trade books for recordings? And so, we began. I raced through everything she sent – such generosity, so much that it took two large boxes to ship it all. She, in turn, told me that while she appreciated the beauty of my “Jesse” and the clarity of “At 17”, she was writing her current novel to the beat of my one disco hit, “Fly Too High.” I laughed aloud because it made an artist’s sense to me – dragons flew, and Anne flew with them, regardless of the beat. It was the third or fourth email that she began with the salutation “Dear Petal,”.  Petal. Me? I responded that of all the things I’d been called, no one had ever dreamed to name me “Petal”. She answered briskly that obviously, they’d never seen me bloom. From that day forward, I was her Petal, and she my Orchid. We corresponded ferociously, both all-or-nothing no-holds-barred types, Aries to the hilt. Weekly, daily, sometimes hourly. Dropped out at times when one of us was “on tour”, came back to it as we could. The time passed. Her beloved agent died. My parents passed away. She got a scathing review; I sent a few of my own. She was stuck on a chapter, I was stuck on a verse. We got unstuck, stuck again, and through it all we talked, comforting one another as only a “good hot cuppa” can. She picked me up herself in Dublin, leaning on a cane, nervous to meet in the flesh until I ran into her arms and smothered her with hugs. She drove between the hedgerows with complete abandon, a total disregard for ruts or speed limits, while I clutched the seat and wondered who’d get the bigger headline if we crashed. Annie, I decided, for she was truly a two-column, bold print kind of gal. By then, she was always “Annie” to me, or “Annie Mac”. My larger than life friend, who consorted daily with dragons and starlight, her own luster never dimming  beside them. Once, after she showed me the rock cliffs of the Guiness Estate and explained that Benden Hold looked just like that, she asked if I would write a theme for it. For the movie? I said. “Yes”, she said, “A theme. Because if Menolly came to life, it would be with your voice.” I say this not to brag, but to indicate the trust between us – such trust that when I got home, with no film in sight, I began sketching out some notes for “Lessa’s Song”. I wanted it to be haunting, the way her words haunted me. I wanted it to be sweeping, like the thrust of dragon wings. I wanted it to be everything I could bring to her, a gift for someone whose words took me out of my world and into hers. As she said herself, “That’s what writing is all about, after all, making others see what you have put down on the page and believing that it does, or could, exist and you want to go there.” I hope someday to finish that melody. I hope it’s good enough for a MasterHarper to sing. I hope she regarded me worthy of the title. Because that’s what she was for so many of us – the MasterHarper, singing in prose, songs that reminded us of where we’d been, and what we could become. She came and stayed with us in Nashville, bringing a broken shoulder and trusting me to care for her. We visited Andre Norton, Annie insisting I not just drive but sit with them and listen to “a bit of gossip”. These two women—one writing at a time when pseudonyms were necessary for a woman to get published, the other cracking the New York Times bestseller list with, of all things, a science fiction book, and by a female at that!—talked of publishers, rumors, scandals old and new, while I sat as silent as an unopened book, wishing I’d thought to bring a tape recorder. At first, as her health declined, she bore it cheerfully. “I’m bionic now, Petal, complete with metal knees!” she declared. “Better than ever, and no pain.” She kept to her writing schedule, doing what she could to help her body retain its youth. Swam every day, bragged about her granddaughter’s accomplishments at school – “First prize, don’tcha know!” and commiserated over our various surgeries. We sound like a couple of old Yiddishe mamas, comparing whose surgery was worse! I laughed, and she laughed along with me. Neither of us reckoned on the psychic toll. “Old age is not for the faint of heart,” she quoted, as her energy began to leech away. How is it we artists always forget just how hard it is to write? how much work it is? How can we ignore the vast psychic drain that accompanies every act of creation? We both knew it from her Pern books, when going between enervated even the hardiest of dragon riders. But somehow, we never expected it in “real” life. It’s only when we lose that effervescence, through age, through illness, through sheer attrition, that we realize how necessary it is to our work. How fundamental to our beings. “I can’t write.” She confessed the shameful secret to me not once, but dozens of times, as if repetition would prove it a lie. At first, playing the friend, I tried to reassure her. Then don’t! Take some time off, Annie. Restore your body, and the brain will follow. Talent doesn’t just disappear, you know – it lies in wait. But she knew better. “I'm still not writing.  I think I know how Andre Norton is feeling, too, because I suspect that she's finding it very difficult to write, as the wellspring and flexibility that did us so much service is drying up in our old age. And no false flattery. AT 76 I AM old, and she's in her nineties.   It takes a lot of energy to write, as much as it takes you to keep on adding flavor to your song presentation. Sorry to blah at you but you're one of the few people who does understand the matter when an artist questions their output.” I responded in kind. "No worries talking to me about not writing... I sure as hell know the amount of energy it consumes. Every time you sit down to write, it's a performance. Only you don't have the luxury of props - no lights, sound, other actors to step behind when the inevitable fatigue hits. Heck, Annie, I'm feeling it more and more now, and you've got a quarter century on me.  I notice it mid-show; two hours used to be a piece of cake. Now I feel myself flagging at 45 minutes, and I really look forward to that 20 minute intermission, if only so I can have some water and sit for a few minutes. "Same with writing, for me. Used to be able to sit and write for 6 hours at a stretch. Now I'm good for two if I'm lucky. Part of it's my back, but most of it is - I fear - just that I'm older. It sucks." And she wrote back. “Must write. There are IRS problems. You wouldn’t believe. Mouths to feed, people depending on. Advances already spent and gone. Must write.” And so, she wrote, but for a while there was no joy in it. Still, I loved what she wrote, and told her so. I was proud of our friendship, not because she was so damned famous, but because she was so damned good. She even used my name in a book – Ladyholder Janissian in Skies of Pern – and roared with laughter when I admitted I’d been so wrapped up in the story that I hadn’t even noticed. But she knew – as artists always do – that while her ability to plot continued apace, the actual writing of it was becoming an endurance contest she couldn’t hope to win. “Turn more of it over to Todd,” I argued. Her son had a real knack for a sentence, but it was hard for Annie to let go. Of course. What artist can? “His words may not sing the way yours do – yet. He doesn’t have your lyrical grace – yet. But he will, Annie, you’ve just got to let him breathe!” I said it and said it and said it, to no avail. Then came a day when, 25 years younger and an ocean away, I finally lost patience and angrily berated her. “Damnit Annie, quit complaining and just stop! By God, you have created a mountain of work, an incredible legacy that will endure and be read by zillions of people long after both of us are gone – so quit whining about what you cannot do and start looking at what you have done. It’s time, Anne. Take this unbearable weight off your shoulders and stop!” I sent the email off and waited for her response, fearing I’d gone too far. A day. Then another. Finally, sure I’d lost a friend, I called to ask just how angry she was with me. Oh, no, not at all, she’s “in hospital.” She took a fall. She’d write soon. And she did, quoting me and saying “I knew you, of all people, would make sense.” A sweeter absolution I’ve never had. We continued our friendship, bitching about our bodies, menopause, the inevitable “drying up” of everything that comes with the feminine mystique. You cannot imagine the luxury, for me, to have a compatriot a quarter-century older. As an artist, I admired her work. But as a woman, I was relieved to have someone relentlessly honest about what was to come in my own life. We traded constantly. I sent her Lhasa de Sela, Sara Bettens. She sent stories about her animals, and the garden. One spring she changed my salutation to “Dear Crocus Petal – there are eight coming up now!” We planned  to visit Prague together in September ’01, but then came 9/11, and I chickened out. To be brutally honest, I was afraid to fly. Annie gently took me to task, then went off with someone else instead. I will regret that for the rest of my life. She went into the hospital for the last time while I was touring the UK – just a ferry boat and an ocean of commitments away. Knowing how out of touch she’d feel, how fretful she’d be, I tried to call every day. We fell into a pattern – I’d wait until I was in the van, then phone her up and tell an off color joke, a bawdy story, a bit of kindly gossip. Sometimes about people we knew in common, Harlan perhaps, or Scott Card, whose work she admired. Sometimes just a silly series of puns I’d found on line. Whatever it was, I wanted to make her laugh, because I loved to hear her laugh. She died while I was on vacation, just days after the tour’s end. I’d brought a copy of Dragonsinger with me because on vacation, I always brought a few “comfort re-reads.” I’d fallen asleep over it, waking to an email from Gigi. Please keep it quiet until I can reach everyone, she asked. My older brother Alec is still in flight, and we don’t want him seeing it in the paper before I can reach him. I called with sleep still in my eyes and heard the hum of people behind Gigi’s answering voice. It was fast, it was painless, it was everything Annie had wanted. No lingering. A “good death” for her. But not for me. It’s hard to open my computer knowing there will be no “Dear Petal.” It’s hard, after knowing such a warm and giving shelter, to go without. Sometimes I run across a sentence that sings to me, and jot it down to show her. And sometimes, when she leaps out at me from the cover of a book, I remember she is gone, and it hits me like lightning, fast and lethal and completely unexpected. It stops my breath, until I remind myself that she is gone, but I am still here. When the lightning hits, I comfort myself with this. The beauty of Anne’s writing is that she makes it all seem, not just possible, but normal. For men to go dragonback. For women to become ships. For young, unwanted girls to become MasterHarpers. For brains to pair with brawns, and sing opera under alien skies. And for an unlikely friendship to bloom, a pairing no one could have imagined, between a petal on earth, and an orchid in flight.

[technicolorfamiliar]

The Artist vs Social Media

I have been sharing my feelings about art and its ever-growing relationship to social media with a number of people recently. I wrote a bit about it here some months ago, but that was primarily focused on reactions to different types of art I was posting on different platforms. Without a doubt, it’s been something that’s given me pause for a while, and I have a suspicion I can’t be the only person that feels this way.

To be clear: this is not meant to be an attack on the people who enjoy and excel at being a creative on social media. It is purely an expression of my own frustration, a cry out to others who have struggled with the same issues, because I know I’m not alone.

First of all, my personal style just doesn’t compliment a successful social media presence, I’m such a fan of the long-format, in general. I don’t want anything in my life to be bite-sized, cropped, or condensed. I struggle to convey the concepts teeming in my heart in a limited number of characters and pixels. As I am evolving as an artist, I enjoy incorporating many layers of meaning, drawing on a multitude of sources for inspiration. Social media, for the most part, wants to condense, compartmentalize, limit. It’s short-format, lacks fluidity, and promotes shorter attention spans. It feels counterintuitive to the kind of art I love and the art I want to be making.

For as streamlined and easy as social media has made sharing artwork with the great big world out there, it’s also birthed a lot of additional anxiety and despair. At least that’s been my experience. Some people have taken to social media like ducks to water, they are thriving in an endless stream of posts and pictures and stories. But this particular artmaker finds the rise of social media more like an impossible mountain, and climbing it is a requirement.

I envy the artists and makers who have figured out how to hack social media in order to promote their work and their brand. These people make it look easy, like social media integration with one’s art practice is as simple as breathing. I understand how it is crucial now as any kind of artist to have a big social media presence. But despite that understanding, I still have a lot of issues with it.

I was in art school in the still relatively early days of Instagram. Facebook and Twitter were big, but I didn’t really ever get too deeply involved in either platform. For me, Facebook was mostly for staying in touch with friends and family back home. I didn’t even have a smart phone until some time after I graduated. The school I attended encouraged us to build a website, get a business card, but there was no way to prepare us for the expansion of these apps among others that would emerge later on. This is not a sorry attempt at an excuse for my complicated relationship with social media, because there are a lot of artists in their early 30s right now who are very clearly doing well in that arena.

Circa 2009 – 2011, using social media for networking was beginning to be a real thing to consider. Having a Facebook page and separate Instagram and Twitter accounts devoted to your craft in addition to your website and blog in order to reach all possible professional connections was increasingly important. And now, they are all absolutely essential. People think you must be kidding yourself if you’re making art and don’t have a social media presence. I’ve caught myself being judgmental of young artists who aren’t on social media. But then I’m reminded of my own issues with Facebook and Instagram and all the others and I think maybe I should shut my mouth.

—

That’s the background. The real thing I’m trying to say is this:

Social media is exhausting.

I hate it.

For all the good content being generated and shared on FB, IG, etc there are a thousand mentally and emotionally draining posts being shared by people who, by and large, aren’t on social media to promote their craft. And that’s fine, people should have a place to vent their frustrations, laugh at funny or un-funny memes, share recipes and cute animal videos, get 100+ validating reactions to their photos, post thoughts/criticisms/ideas too long for Twitter but too short for a blog…

But to expect an artist generating original content to compete with everything else being blasted on every social media platform is complete and utter unrealistic nonsense.

—

My big, huge, major beef with social media is the totally insane decision to stop having posts featured in chronological order on pretty much every major platform. This really hurts creative people who are trying to get exposure, share their work to the world (or at least their friends and followers), and requires them to generate even more content, or share the same post over and over again in the hopes that their painting or photo or video somehow makes it over all the other posts from everybody else that are only just so much noise. Trying to get noticed or share your work with likeminded creatives you don’t already know is like shouting in a canyon full of other people shouting, drowned out by all the other voices and the echoes of the voices.

But that’s not the only thing about social media that keeps me up at night.

There are people on social media who have become experts in making their lives look like perfect, magical journeys of self discovery and growth and good fortune. Seeing their perfectly composed, perfectly lit photos of what is supposedly their daily lives, their brunches, their cocktails, their pets, their clothes, their travels, their significant others, and whatever else makes me want to not even try. Why should I even bother to try to compete with that? Looking at those kinds of posts immediately makes me feel inferior because 1) I’m not living that theoretically beautiful, charmed life, and 2) I’m not generating masses of content like that of my own experience. I look at my weird little life and there’s hardly anything photo- or post-worthy, at least not on a daily basis, not enough to get above everyone else’s noise. When did having a social media presence become an art form in and of itself? One of my very close friends described social media as performance art, which is probably the best description of this phenomenon I’ve ever heard. I’m not saying it’s not hard work — in order to project this perfect life, you have to be a photographer, or at least know and/or have the money to pay for one, be a master of self-marketing, and you have to set aside the time in your day to make the posts (more on that in a bit). But as someone with at least half a brain, I know that the content being gobbled up by glowing, supportive friends and followers is only a version of reality.

I know I’m not the only one who feels utterly alienated by the “perfect lives” being presented on social media, and I know that it’s not most people’s intention to alienate their friends by posting gorgeous photographs and positive affirmations of their own journeys.

And yet, even just thinking about it is exhausting. It’s a destructive and deadly combination of self-loathing and self-doubt inspired by the vast majority of what I see on Facebook and Instagram with knowing full well that those feelings are totally unfounded since the posts are not a true reflection of reality. It doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t inspire me to follow their lead, it doesn’t get my blood pumping. It just makes me tired.

—

By my nature, I am a relatively private person. I have no real desire to share my private life with strangers, and it’s a struggle for me to open up to acquaintances. I have a hard time talking about myself, my dreams and aspirations, my needs and wants with other people. I keep to myself, I have a small circle of close friends and family with whom I share things openly.

There’s nothing like the gut-wrenching feeling you get when you’re talking passionately about your art or your interests or your hopes for the future with someone and seeing the very moment their eyes glaze over with disinterest. It’s a special kind of soul-crushing dismissal that has lead me to live an introvert’s life. Because why, after all, would I share anything with people when that’s the reaction I often got in my youth when sharing with my peers?

The whole grand purpose of social media is to share. Share everything and share often. Artists who hold regular jobs and don’t have an abundance of free time or energy to devote to generating social media content on top of the art they’re already making need to find that magical balance. The Buzzfeed article about burnout that was circulating a few months ago touches on this a bit. Work + Art + Self Promotion. That’s always been the case for artists looking to make a profit off their work, but now it’s on a whole other level and puts creatives in direct competition with social media influencers and everyone else on FB, IG, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, etc. When I say time and energy, I mean the lack of energy I personally have after a working a job that already requires me to use my creativity, strategy, and organizational skills. When I get home or when I finish a job, I want to recharge so I can have the energy and motivation to actually sit in my studio and make new art. I struggle with budgeting out my time and energy for taking photos, writing cute little descriptions, thinking up clever hashtags, and setting timers to remind me when to post in order to get the most views.

I’m over-focused right now on making the art, in finding my voice as an illustrator, in re-vamping my portfolio and considering the future of my practice. I would need a personal assistant to run my social media accounts in an effective and professional way, and I don’t understand how other artists don’t have assistants. Or maybe they do. At the very least it would require me to have my phone in my hand far more than I already do, so another reason to keep it on me, especially in my studio while I’m in the zone, working, makes me feel gross.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Emma… you took all this time to write and edit this long blog post. Surely you could have used that time to work on content for your IG or FB accounts.” And you would be right. However, I’m in a place mentally and emotionally where I see the social media game, I understand it, but I just don’t want to play it. Not the way we’re all expected to if we want to get noticed. I’m not a performance artist, I’m not extroverted enough, my process doesn’t lend itself to this new gold standard of being an artist in the 21st century. Am I making big strides to change my process? Not really, because the very nature of social media feels inauthentic to me and the work I want to be making.

—

In the end… I don’t really know how to make social media work for me and my own journey as an artist. It would be great if there was some compromise, some middle path for people like me who are rubbed the wrong way by hashtags and stories and filters. Is there even a possibility for existing any other way as an artist today? Because everyone I know who creates any kind of art seems to have accepted and figured out the key to doing well on social media. It’s almost not even worth airing my grievances since I’m not willing to completely change and conform to something that does not feel right to me.

I’ll just keep plugging along as I have been until I figure it out. Or some kind souls who have been through a similar conundrum swoop in and offer their wisdom and insight.

[lokis-lady-death]

Chapter 15 Train Her

Loki/Thanos

Writer Post: Like, comment, reblog and follow for updates! Your love keeps me going <3

Here’s the Masterlist so you can stay caught up!

Chapter 15

Train Her

“Again!” Rey barked at you. “I can still see the strain in your face. This is to become second nature to you.”

You let out a sharp huff but did as you were instructed. For the fifteenth time, you took a deep breath, let yourself float into a cross legged position and levitated. The breath slowly left your chest as you felt every muscle in your body tense while you managed to lift the table beside you. Another slow breath and the bed followed.

That was your first day of training.

Now, five days later, Rey had you training to push your newfound powers to their limits. Invisibility, levitation, and telekinesis had become second nature to you, using it daily to move through the ship without any suspicion. You stopped escaping the bedroom to avert any unnecessary attention. The last thing you needed now was Thanos catching you outside of your room again. You had managed to revisit the Grandmaster only once more, going over your plan to help Loki escape and having him help test your strengths. Upon hearing you declare that you intended to destroy the infinity stones, he was hesitant but you assured him it would work. You told him through the training you were receiving you would be fine, but in all reality, you didn’t believe it yourself.

The stronger you became, the less you were able to communicate with Death until finally she no longer appeared in your visions. And that was what scared you the most. You were becoming more and more complete with every session. Once you were strong enough, you knew you would have a small window of opportunity to destroy the stones.

Which left Loki. You had visited the god of mischief once since you spoke to him about the stones to let him know the next time you saw him, the two of you would be escaping. He was nervous and apprehensive but you assured him that you had a plan. One he didn’t need to know all the details of.  

Rey was going over a lesson of power concentration, which mainly consisted of you focusing your power externally creating a light through your palms. It seemed simple enough but the light was blinding and wild, hard to control. You knew this was the final step before Thanos would ask you to cleanse the stone. This was the level he needed you to reach in order to fulfil your purpose.

‘But I won’t let it happen.’

When the lesson was complete, Rey walked out the door and met with Thanos. You could see the two of them speaking just outside the doorway which always made you nervous. Was Rey saying you were ready? Was he about to ask you to test yourself on the stone? You sat at the table and tried to look less neurotic, failing spectacularly. You hands fiddled with your dress, pulling the material into bunches on your thighs and flattening it back out again. A habit you developed since you began plotting against Thanos. A habit you hoped he hadn’t noticed.

You tried not to jump when his gloved hand landed on your shoulder. “Rey says you have done well today, little one.”

Shifting uncomfortably, you argued, “I could have been better.”

“Nonsense,” he said softly, ushering you out of the chair. “You have blossomed beautifully.” The two of you walked in relative silence to the Oasis, to eat dinner.

You were nonchalantly moving your food around with your fork, deep in thought, running over the day’s instruction. Power concentration. Pouring powers out of your body was most likely the best way to destroy the stones, perhaps concentrating them through your fingertips instead of your palms would allow more than one channel. If you practiced it again tomorrow, you might be able to….

“Y/n?”

Thanos’s voice was louder than usual, causing you to drop your fork. When you looked up and saw him sitting with his elbows on the table, fingers folded together, it dawned on you he must have been talking while you were lost in thought.

“I’m sorry,” you said, “What were you saying?”

His head tilted to the side as he asked, “What is on your mind, little one?”

Your chest tightened, but you cooly answered, “Just running over what Rey taught me today.” You mindlessly rubbed your forefinger and thumb together under the table, imagining the feeling of sparks forming and setting off a detonation. The stones could be destroyed, and it was only a matter of time.

That’s when it hit you. Like a thousand bricks came down to crush you, you realized something that hadn’t crossed your mind until now. You were so willing to sacrifice yourself in order to destroy the infinity stones, it didn’t resonate with you that in doing so, the explosion would most likely kill the titan as well. You felt a lump swell up in your throat. Could you kill Thanos?

His eyes narrowed though he didn’t press the matter more. The two of you went on with idle conversation and you knew he was taking more notice of your strange behavior. Since your last argument about cleansing the soul stone, you did your best not to test his limits. You took your lessons with Rey without a word and tried to maintain the same demeanor as before so as no to draw attention to yourself.

But Thanos wasn’t easily tricked. He could tell something was different about you. You hardly smiled, you barely spoke unless pressed, and you only took a few bites of your meals. Since cleansing the stone had been put into the equation, he knew you had become more distant. All he could do was continue on and hope once the process was complete you would understand and appreciate all of the work he had done for you.

The walk back was just as quiet until the door shut behind you. Thanos grabbed your shoulder, swinging you around to face him. Before you could process what he was doing, he took you in his arms and kissed you for the first time in days. A wave of emotions washed over you, realizing that any day now you would have to implement your plan and there was a real chance that Thanos would in fact die by your hand. The pain was too much to bear. You lost yourself to the passion, instinctively clinging to his shoulders, pulling him closer. Without letting you go, Thanos laid you both across the bed, his mouth still on yours, as his hands worked the fastenings of your dress.

If only for tonight, you would give in completely to your titan.

The next day, you were surprised to find Thanos still in bed with you. Lately he had been up well before you but this morning, he was still nestled up behind you, his face buried in your hair and his arms holding you tightly against him. You took one of his massive hands in yours, tracing the thick brings along his fingertips.

Tears began to swell up in your eyes. ‘Can I really do this?’ you asked yourself, feeling the pain in your chest as you questioned your own resolve. ‘Can I kill him?’ The lives you had lived before, burned inside of your mind, were still as vivid as ever, showing images of the two of you in love, embracing, kissing, making love, but also those of his brutality, snapping your neck, subjecting you to torture, strangling the life out of you. Tears fell freely down your cheeks while your fingers wrapped around his, giving it a tight squeeze. You loved him. You knew you did, no matter what. But he had to be stopped.

After Thanos left, you and Rey began you lessons, working for hours on hours. He demanded you show your skill, again and again, forming the light between your palms until it had numbed your hands.

“You may take a break,”  Rey instructed.

“No!” you barked back, “I can get this!”

Making the energy manifest out of your body was hard enough but holding it for the amount of time Rey deemed necessary was causing a sensation in your limbs like a millions ants crawling across your skin. Sweat trickled down your forehead and your legs quivered under the pressure. Finally he said enough and the light dissipated and you fell to your knees.

‘This has to become easier,’ you scolded yourself, ‘This is what I need to perfect for my plan to work.’

“Enough!” Rey was at your side and jerked you back onto your feet. You panted and shook your head.

“No, I can keep going.”

“If you keep going, you will do more harm than good.” Probably the first time Rey had ever shown any sympathy for you. He dragged you to the table and set you down with a glass of water.

Once he was sure you were alright, he excused himself. The table held food brought for lunch hours ago, food you knew you needed but could barely make yourself look at. With a sigh, you held a hand up and levitated a piece of fruit to you.

‘Easy.’

With a flick of the wrist, you sent it slamming into the wall. You levitated another piece and sent it into the bathroom, controlling it from the other room. Bringing it back to you, you snatched it out of the air and took a bite. Chewing, you mulled over ideas of how you would get the gauntlet from Thanos. That would be the biggest challenge. Mid chew, you eyed the bedroom door. On the other side you knew there were soldiers stationed. Soldiers with weapons. You swallowed. Without seeing the weapons, could you call them to you? And if so how strong was your reach?

You turned to face the door completely, lifting out of your chair, floating with your legs crossed. Clearing your mind, you could feel at least one. A spear. You were sure of it. You strained for a moment, trying to wrap your mind's eye around the object. You could hear the men begin to realize something was amiss.

Letting out a calmed breath, you urged the spear to you. The clanks of all the spears rained on the door and the men outside began to curse in confusion.

‘Come,’ you beckoned. Without noticing, the door to your room had opened and a sea of spears came hurling at you. Your eyes shot open, a cold sweat enveloping you. The door was open but the men were not by it. You stood, looking around puzzled as the spears came closer. Holding a hand out, you rushed your powers to your fingers and felt a sharp pain like electric currents come through, turning the weapons to dust.

Rey and Thanos came running. “What has happened here?” Rey barked at the men cowering in the hall.

“We don’t know!” one cried out.

“Our weapons slammed into the door and it…. opened!”

Thanos came in to find you, standing dumbfounded beside the ashes. “Was this you?” he asked.

Your eyes were wide, your jaw dropped. This wasn’t even what you meant to happen. You just wanted to see if you could move something in a room without seeing it. You never thought you could open the door, you never thought they would all come swarming at you.

“Y/n!” Rey yelled, “I told you to rest, this is not rest!”

Thanos held a hand out to silence the fish faced man, still staring at you intently. He saw the food, nearly untouched. You saw his brow furrow, his hand coming down hard on your shoulder as he steered you out the door. He called out to Rey, “Have them send dinner early to the Oasis. Y/n will not be practicing anymore today.”

Though he frowned, Rey agreed.

“I don’t need rest, I’m fine!” you argued. Thanos looked down to meet your face, his eyes clearly thrown off by your tone. You tried to calm yourself before repeating, “I’m fine. I can continue training.”

“No,” was all he said. When you sat at the table in the Oasis, you crossed your arms and pouted. You needed to work more You needed to perfect your skills. Any day now Thanos would force you to cleanse the stone and you had to be ready to implement your plan.

The food came and you could only stare at it. “Eat,” he demanded. Your lips pressed in a thin line, aggravated by the situation. But nonetheless, you complied.

You both ate in silence until Thanos finally said softly, “I’m sorry.”

“Come again?”

He looked up to meet your eyes. “I have put a lot of pressure on you. You have been working vigorously to perfect your abilities and I haven't taken into consideration that I may have pushed you to do so. For that, I am sorry.”

You felt a hard lump form in your chest, as the thought crept up your soul, ‘I’m sorry I’m going to betray you.’

TAGS!!!

@inumorph @aliebestraum @wolfangelwings@jessiejunebug @the-corruptor

[aimforthemoonstudyblr]

Hello STUDENTS OF TUMBLR, so here’s the post I talked about yesterday. This is  a recapitulation for all the study tips I followed whether it worked for me or not. Just try what you think works better for you. if you don’t have time to waste on trying new methods of studying and then failing with it and trying another one. Just sit with yourself, pick a paper and a pen (doesn’t matter the brand HHHHHHHH), then think of how you study the best, what’s your learning style : check here for more , and based on that choose what will work with you, your school system, your personality, how you manage your time .. and all.

 After figuring out your learning style, it’s time for the first step : MOTIVATION . I can hear some of you saying that motivation doesn’t matter, and what’s matter is discipline, and I totally agree with that, but I think that in order to build a discipline/ habit we need a push of motivation to start. ( I can recommend you the videos that motivates me the most).

****How to get motivation ? ****

1-    Audios / videos/ music ( there are plenty of them online and for free)

2-    Quotes. I definitely recommend putting motivational quotes in every sight-reachable  place.

3-    Pick a paper ( until finishing this post, you’ll need a lot of papers HHHHHH) and write all the reasons why you’re doing this, why your studying?

Personally : my school year starts on 15/9 and ends on mid June. It’s gonna be a long year since I’ll have exams on June based on what I studied from September to May. So I wrote on papers 260 quotes ( one for each day). If you want to try it, you can do that on sticky notes, or just simple papers(if you want it coloured, print some themed backgrounds and write on them)  

 Now you’re motivated and all, take a paper and divide it to  :

1-    Write all the subjects you take at school, class them from your weakest to the strongest subject.

2-    How many hours you can study daily? ( on week days / weekends / holidays.. ) , here it’s better to underestimate than saying I can study 6 hours a day then doing nothing.

3-    The largest part. Divide the hours estimated for each day in a way that you give your weakest subjects more time to work on ( having strong subject doesn’t mean ignoring them, give them time to).

4-    Now in a little column, write why things are not going well: is the problem YOU? Are you the only one stopping yourself from being excellent? ( i’m asking these questions, because I WAS) or is it something else? Parents? Friends ? relationships? Mental health issues? ( try to talk with someone about your issues or see a pro) [sorry, I’m not a professional advice giver and I don’t have the solutions for all of these problems, I had one problem and it was related to me and my way of thinking and I changed it myself, please talk with someone who’s struggling with the same things as you, and I hope you’re all going well and doing good] .

Let’s move to the practical tips :

·         You have probably read this at least 1584358442 times, but I’m re-saying it, because it’s so true. PLAN YOUR LIFE. PLANIFIER VOTRE VIE. خطط(ـي) لحياتك. Plane dein Leben. I don’t know another languages, but whatever language you speak, DO IT. how to plan? You’ll need the paper where you wrote the subjects and the time for each one. Get a planner, start a bullet journal, get some printables online, create those printables yourself with Microsoft, or just simple USE A PAPER. You can plan for a day, or for a week, for a month, or the whole year. I recommend doing weeklies at the beginning of each month , filling each day with your regular activities, important days or tasks ( that you already know) , and then every time that you have something new, add it on its day. when to plan? As I said plan monthly, then weekly, then daily, and every night before going to bed check what you need to do for tomorrow ( it will helps you get out of bed next morning)

·         Don’t overestimate what you can do. It’s okay to admit that you’re not a super human and you won’t be able to sleep for 8 hours go to school for 6hours , socialize , eat well , exercices and then study for 6 hours. If you can do that, congratulations , but you’re damaging your brain.

·         When planning and you have a history project don’t just write ° History instead write : - brainstorming : searching for ideas - organizing those ideas - plan your project : I.1.a / I.1.b … - finding an appropriate related video - organizing all information + adding animation ( if it’s on powepoint) - making sure you have copies of it ( it happened to me a lot that I finish a project than lose it because of a click) and you can apply this not only to projects but to all kind of activities like cleaning : wardrobe – kitchen – bath.. first you will feel satisfied ticking a lot of tasks, and second if you didn’t finish all the under-task , it will be a task in progress not an uncompleted task.

·         Start your day with checking your planner and  doing a to-do list to get a general look on your day. Write next to each task how much time it will take, so that you know what to prioritize

·         Try waking up early , it’ll boost your energy and if you’re best concentrating on morning wake up earlier and benefit of morning , I do this personally but make sure in this case to get to bed earlier too.

·         For your homework, write any homework you get down. I used to say I’ll remember it, then come next session and figure out that I had 12 math exercices. If you have blank hours between classes, use it to get your homework done , so that when you get home you’ll only focus on revising, summarizing.. getting ahead in class. start with doing the homework for your least favourite class or your weakest ones or the ones that take too much time. Do it as soon as it’s given to you, so that you get it out of the way.

·         Think of installing blocker for distracting sites, whether it’s on phone or computer.

·         Related to the previous one, limit your social media time, it won’t matter if you missed out news like your cousin bought a new car or that your friend from primary school is in Amsterdam, you can go back after studying and know all those unnecessary news.

·         Get rid of electronics if you don’t need them.

·         If you’re working on a project, collect all what you need from internet them disconnect. Otherwise, you’ll probably gonna see a pic of a cute cat and you’ll click on the link and you’ll find yourself after 3 hours watching videos of a turtle carrying a cat on his back ( I do this.).

·         Set a clean and minimalist study space, and bring all what you need for that study session from the beginning to avoid distraction.

·         I’ll also recommend changing studying space often ( if that works for you), because scientifically every time we move around we force the brain to form new associations with the same material so it becomes a stronger memory.

·         If you can do it now then DO IT. There’s an Arabic proverb that goes: لا تؤجل عمل اليوم إلى الغد، فإن للغد عملا آخر. (Do not postpone today's work to tomorrow, for tomorrow has its own work) [see the first pic]

·         In class sit at the front : - I do this because I get distracted easily by my friends , plus i’m short-sighted. - you’ll hear the teacher better, also the teachers always answer for front-students questions because they look more serious than questions of someone sitting at the back.

·         ASK. Don’t be shy. There’s nothing wrong with asking, even if you sounded stupid, better sounding stupid in class, then being stupid in the exam. Profit from every chance to ask. Ask your teachers, classmates, google, parents, teachers that aren’t really your teachers (I don’t think they’ll ignore you). If you’re toooo shy to ask in front of classmate, wait for the end of the session, and go to the teacher.

·         While revising, put a mark, or highlight what you need to ask for, and actually ASK FOR IT. I used to just highlight questions that I didn’t understood and never asking, and guess what, one time on a Physics exam, while redoing old exams of my teacher I found so many hard questions, I said he gave them before, he’ll never give them another time. He actually did. J

·         After school routine: i take train to go back home, my way back home lasts 40mn. 1st I do when coming back is studying, because my brain is still in the mood to study ( when I’m extremely tired physically or emotionally , I take a nap. Health and Mental wellness have more priority then Studying for me).

·         when I go back to home, I don’t change clothes to stay in the sensation of being in school. Plus home’s cloths are comfortable but make you feel lazy. ( at least for me) . if you feel comfortable with home’s clothes and still be productive, change.

·         EAT WELL. I can recommend some good food for your brain : Omega 3 & fattyacids (eggs/ fishes : salmon- sardines .. ) – caffeine ( coffe-/ tea) in moderate consumption- Curcumin ( improves memory and boosts serotonin and dopamine which improves mood, it also helps new brain cells grown) – vitamin K( broccoli) – pumpkin seeds- oranges- dark chocolate .. also STAY HYDRATED : it improves concentration and cognition, helps balancing mood and emotions, reduce stress, increase blood flow and oxygen to the brain and maintains memory function. Just TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. ( if exercising works for you, do it. I didn’t personally try that, I’ll just start exercising this year because one of my final exam on June is Physical Education, and it’s all practical)  

·         Revisit older work on a regular basis to keep it familiar so that it will be stored in long term memory. And revise often.

·         This is how I do for revising sessions : I keep track of the review dates of each chapter : - 1st R : 2 days after taking it in class - 2nd R : 3 days after 1st R -3rd R : 7 days after 2nd R -4th R : 21 days after 3rd R - 5th R : 30 days after 4th R - 6th R : 45 days after 5th R - 7 th R : 60 days after 6th R with this system I’ll be able on June to remember what I learned on October.

·         Also, everytime you review, test yourself.

·         Divise the revision sessions in bloc of 20 to 50 mn, then take a rest, to give time to your brain to analyse to the new information. And every time increase the time.

·         Learn the same information in different ways : - rewrite it in your way - mind maps - explain it to someone else - youtube videos - class notes - others resources : your friends notes, if you have this in your country Para-scholar books (books made by other teachers –not by the government- where you can find notes, summaries, exercises with correction )

·         When revising, make a list of possible questions. Make quizzes. If it’s literary subject ( languages) , do a list of possible writings topics). For math, re-do the exercises given by teacher (the exam will probably look alike, since it’s the same person making the exam). If it’s a national exam ( my case), do the exercises given in the end of every chapter ( since it’s the same government giving the exam).

·         Make mnemonic* to facilitate learning new information. Link the information with a crazy story. (- Mnemonic = cutiing something down into an acronym, rhythm, word or phrase, to help remembering it).

·         Read information out loud: you’re mentally storing it in two ways : seeing and hearing it.

·         Talk to yourself , imagine you’re explaining it to someone else. Move while reading your notes. I don’t know why but It works for me.

·         In one sitting just focus on one topic. But don’t stick to the same topic for the whole day, or the whole after-school, your brain will feel that he’s not learning something new, and he’ll stop accepting new information.

·         Don’t memorize in one sitting rather break up the info into small chunks and review them consistently over a long period of time.

·         Before every exam make a checklist of things you need to know. It will help you get an overview of the material.

·         Start studying for an exam earlier, you’ll have more time in case you stuck on some points. Also you don’t know what can happen, you could get sick or an emergency ruins your plans.

·         Work on your psychic state. If you have toxic relations, get them out of your life. You need all your brain capacity, you can’t just waste it on toxic things. If you feel like needing help, ask for it.

·         HELP YOUR FRIENDS. (if you’re not religious, ignore the rest of this point, and just do this because you’re a great human <3 , if you’re religious: I had a teacher that used to always say this to us : “Help each other because who only loves himself (selfish), God doesn’t love him”).

·         DON’T BE SOO HARD ON YOURSELF. TAKE A DAY OFF IF YOU’VE DONE WELL ALL THE WEEK. I saw this on a youtube video: you can make a system of scoring for yourself , everytime you reach a score you’ll do something fun : go to the cinema, go on a train trip, go to the down town, or just lie in bed and watch your favourite movie. REWARD YOURSELF.

  I can help with other tips, I’m just busy these days, maybe all go back later and add some more.

I hope this is useful for you.

If anyone have any remark or questions, please don’t be shy.

   (excuse my English) .

[parismiki]

“How is Paris?”

Hello readers! Welcome to my blog. I’ve been meaning to write a blog for some time now, really since my days in Chicago, but I never felt this urge until now. Currently I feel like I am being tested to my limits and I have so many thoughts about so many different things. Writing has always been an outlet of mine (have kept journals since I learned how to hold a pen basically) and so here it is - a window of insight into my thoughts about a variety of different things. 

I don’t really have a theme for this blog, but I know it will touch on issues that are important to me: race, activism, Japanese American and Asian American identity, feminism, mental health, radical politics, etc. Given that I’m currently also in France with the generous help of a Fulbright scholarship (a lot will be discussed soon about this), my posts may be more focused on my current experience in France and how I have been navigating this foreign country. 

So, to start, many people have been asking me how Paris has been. There is some sort of illusory expectation that people have of my time here in Paris - that I’m happily eating baguettes every day (I am not -- I eat only rice and noodles), that I’m picnicking by the Seine, and I’m going to all these cool art galleries and museums on the daily. 

This could be farther from the truth. 

I am struggling. 

This is not the same experience that I had studying abroad through UChicago three years ago, where I took classes in English taught by UChicago professors at the UChicago Center in Paris with UChicago classmates. I had a huge safety net while I was here, which enabled me to go out and explore the city and meet new locals while still feeling rooted to a community of American students. I didn’t need to get a visa because I was here for less than 90 days, the housing situation was largely taken care of by the study abroad coordinator, and I was used to the UChicago pedagogy. The huge difference here is that I am going to grad school in Paris, working towards a professional degree, which entails a large degree of responsibility, self-reliance and resilience. 

However, this past month has been incredibly difficult for me. The workload is intense, unlike anything I saw in my quarters with the heaviest workloads at UChicago. I am taking eight classes that meet once a week. For one of my core classes, I must read four books for the midterm, which is less than a month away. Work is always on the back of my mind and I fear that I may miss an assignment.  There is rarely any time to be resting or relaxing, because I tell myself, well you could be using this time to study. 

As someone prone to anxiety, the workload and the added stress of being in a new country has taken quite a toll on me. There have been days where it has been hard to get out of bed and days where I feel like I’m just dragging throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder, “is this program worth it? Should I drop out?” but am quickly reminded that if I do, I lose my Fulbright scholarship. Additionally, Sciences Po is not the friendliest when it comes to their students’ mental health - their psychological services are minimal, and they fail you if you miss more than 2 classes (yes, attendance is taken in even the biggest of lecture classes.) I could go on and on about Sciences Po as an institution, but I can save that for another post. I have had to resume sessions with my therapist in Chicago because the French national healthcare system does not cover therapy services! 

Despite all this, I’ve managed to find small pockets of joy during my time here and have really forced myself to practice self-care. One could say that my most recent FB status asking for self-practice tips was a cry for help - surely I couldn’t be the only one who has gone through this. So here’s what has been working for me so far - and you don’t have to be in grad school either to abide by them!

1. Rely on your family and friend networks back home

Thank god for technology - I remember my dad telling me that when he was in college he had to wait in line in his dorm to use the landline to call his parents. I can’t even imagine how my mother kept in touch with her family back in Japan when she immigrated to the US (will write another post on my newfound appreciation for my mom as I transition to life here.) 

That being said, I text regularly with my friends and keep them updated about what’s going on in my life. Some others are also living abroad and it’s nice to know that we have each other’s backs -- one of my dear friends is doing her JET program in rural Kumamoto. She is 7 hours ahead of me, and always texts me a nice meme or a cute gif that I have the honor of waking up to. Last night I felt especially horrible and called one of my friends (who is going to start her master’s in philosophy at Oxford and we’ll be reunited soon!) who helped me calm down. As people starting new lives in new countries we often forget that we have a support system back home, but don’t forget - they helped to get you where you are. 

2. Read books that nurture your soul

I have always loved to read in order to learn new perspectives, but reading now serves a different purpose: it touches and nurtures my soul. When I first got here, I devoured Ruth Ozeki’s novel A Tale for the Time Being - it was a charming and quirky story that whisked me away to British Columbia/Tokyo. I didn’t know how much I needed it at the time. Currently I’m reading a sociology book called Redefining Japaneseness: Japanese Americans and the Ancestral Homeland, which is so comforting and keeps me super rooted to my own identity. 

I was pretty strategic when packing books and spent a good hour deciding which books to bring with me. I knew that I would be reading a lot of dry public policy and urban theory (I even discussed with my roommate, also an American woman of color, which books we would both bring should we want to borrow from each other’s shelves.) So I brought with me Matthew Desmond’s Evicted (which, luckily enough for me, I ended up having to write a paper on), Viet Thanh Nguyen’s The Sympathizer, which won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction; Keeanga Yamahtta-Taylor’s From #BlackLivesMatter to Black Liberation, and Louise Erdrich’s The Round House (Erdrich is a Native American fiction writer who writes heavily on Native American issues.) I’ve found that conversations surrounding racial justice are quite lacking in French academic discourse, so these books help to fill that gap in my life. In addition, I brought with me some Japanese language books, including ”コンビニ人間” and “君たちはどう生きるか” to practice my Japanese, because I don’t have access to Japanese TV anymore. 

3. Keep yourself intellectually accountable

One of the best pieces of advice I received from the director of the Humanity in Action fellowship I did this past summer was to keep yourself accountable by writing down your own thoughts and critiques of grad school readings in the margins when taking notes. I’ve found that a lot of the readings we are assigned take on a very neoliberal approach to cities and urbanism, and I am incredibly cynical. Sometimes, I just downright disagree. And instead of feeling exasperated by the content, I write down my critiques and will try to bring them up in class, sometimes daring to bring them up with the professor during lectures. This is how I try to stay engaged. 

4. Travel! 

Paris is pretty accessible to many other European countries by plane and train. In fact, just last weekend I was in Madrid visiting a few friends. I was not feeling my best and and even now I still feel awful for my low energy and that I was not as cheery as I hoped to be - but being around people you already know is comforting. In fact, I had a chance to reconnect with a friend from college who is a current Fulbright ETA in Madrid, who told me that he was feeling the same way as me during the same time last year. Knowing that other people have gone through the same motions while transitioning to life abroad makes you feel less alone. 

All in all, to those of you reading, I’m sorry if I have disappointed you with this blog post. However, I do think I need to be honest about my experience here and share with other folks who may be thinking about studying abroad. If anything, I am giving myself all the time I need to breathe, go through the motions, and eventually settle in. This will be a long process, but I am trying to be patient with myself. 

I cannot end this post without acknowledging the people who have been there for me. I’d like to extend a thank you to Keilyn, Sarah, Elisabeth, Gino, Crystal, Brenna, Shirley, Joe, and Amanda. And to my new friends at Sciences Po, I am looking forward to getting to know you and let’s finish this semester strong :) 

Okay and now some photos!

                   This is me in front of the Museo del Prado in Madrid

                    Hard to see but I was really feelin’ my outfit this one day

                                                   Really cute doggo 

              Colorful olives sold at the Marché Saint-Denis, a banlieue of Paris

[thedivinefish]

TGIWednesday and being thankful for your blessings

TGIWednesday News

This whole month in honor of Thanksgiving is about being Thankful. We all know that having gratitude can be a great way to shift our state and our perspective ie: from anxiety to calm.  So regardless of who wins or loses elections, planetary changes, ascension and yes even a plague... remain thankful and express your gratitude in words and actions. If you’re reading this, you have electricity and internet.  Most of us have a roof over our heads, electricity, running water, clothes and food.  So you’re actually better off than 51% of the world.  When things get rough or hard to navigate, I go humble and thankful and as Great Granny Ruth always said, “Count your blessings!” Here's something to look forward to and count as a blessing... the release THIS MONTH of our newest audio MP3 and PDF called MyBeliefWorks for Experiencing a Bountiful Harvest  which appropriately enough reflects thankfulness for what you have, and blasts through whatever is blocking you from making financial gains going forward!  This is a very unique audio we are adding to our prosperity collection that you’ll enjoy and that will benefit you financially for years to come.  If you've purchased MBW audios in the past, look for the VIP 48-hour pre-sale email in your inbox within the next week or two. Following that, the launch will go live to everyone with our usual, never-to-be-offered again introductory low pricing. 

TGIWednesday Download

~ COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS  ~ I believe, think, know and feel thankful for all of my blessings. I am ready, willing and able to remain thankful thereby co-creating more reasons to be even more thankful. I know, when, where, how and why from Spirits perspective how to remain humble, gracious and thankful and so it is in all languages and throughout all time lines!  

From the Fish Box

Q&A with Jimmy Q) "Hi Jimmy - I'm really sorry to bother you with this but I'm going to ask - do you still do that neat trick of finding things? I can see things have taken off and how busy you are and I don't want to book a session with you if you don't think its appropriate." - A.W. A) "My friend that does what I do always says “I can help you with disease/illness or disorders but don’t ask me to find your car keys LOL" So that’s where I am at right now for sure……….but I know you can body dowse/map out, narrow down locations, rooms/cars etc. I like statements instead of questions……… where are my car keys?  Instead make a statement, "My car keys are in the bedroom." and you’ll get a yes or no.  When looking for stuff you can figure it out for sure." - Jimmy

LIVE Appearances - Free Healing

TUESDAY November 10th at 4pm EST **LIVE interview**- Call in with your questions 4:00pmET/1:00pmPT/10pmUK/10pmCEST YOU WEALTH REVOLUTION - Season 20 Host Darius Barazandeh and I will be discussing Creating Mystical, Magical, Money Miracles Using My Liquid Fish and taking callers, join us! FREE TO REGISTER HERE!   

 Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS FRIDAY DECEMBER 11th from 10-4pm  

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10am - 4pm on Friday December 11th 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at  ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS 

Friday sessions are back to being phone-only for folks that I usually see at Kodawari until further notice. You can book time with me in the shop and schedule online.   3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa ☎️ (813) 999-1874 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack NOVEMBER 4th "Today I will sample life like a buffet. I will take away that which serves me, helps/contributes and enriches my life on my terms. I will separate the wheat from the chaff and the fruit from the tree and I will press on weaving the fabric of my life."

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show

WATCH IT LIVE  TUESDAY'S at 4pm EDT / 1pm PDT Watch and Participate (via Comments) during the Live TV Show streamed on Goldylocks Productions YouTube Channel, Facebook Page and Periscope.   NOTE: You will need to log into your YouTube (Google) or Facebook accounts to comment. If you watch the Live show from any other location other than the 3 listed below, your comments will not be seen by the Show Host or Producer. https://www.facebook.com/GoldylocksProductions https://www.pscp.tv/Goldylocks168/follow Or watch all live and replays in the archives here: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Instructions for the VIEWERS: 1.    One reading/message per person. The first question posted will be answered, so please think about your question carefully before posting it.  2.    If you want a longer and more detailed message, please book an appointment with the Show Host.  3.    Spirit does come through and gives messages that can apply to many, not just the person asking the question. 4.    It is not required nor should be expected that every question or comment will be addressed by the Show Host. 5.    If you have any issues with the show host or show format, please contact the Show Producer... not the Show Host. 6.    Contact the Show Producer, Rev. Tiffany White Sage Woman via email: goldylocksproductions@hotmail.com  

Yesterday's Replay with Special Guest Psychic Joanne Leo  Numerology/astrology/angel cards reading from the heart www.psychicjoanneleo.com

November 10th  - NO SHOW THIS WEEK

November 17th  - Michael Sue Scott |  Cards, and intuitive readings LIVE Visit her Facebook page

November 24th - Rev Debbie | Our resident trans medium communications with your loved ones in spirit. Visit her Facebook page

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Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.  

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively  and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day! 

Sign Up for 30-Days - $99

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library. 

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family. BOLO ALERT:  Be on the lookout THIS MONTH for the release of our newest audio MP3 and PDF called MyBeliefWorks for Experiencing a Bountiful Harvest  which appropriately enough reflects thankfulness for what you have, and blasts through whatever is blocking you from making financial gains going forward!  This is a very unique audio we are adding to our prosperity collection that you’ll enjoy and that will benefit you financially for years to come. 

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe COVID-19 Clearings Creative Spark Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Windfall Youth & Vitality *MySwitchWorks Videos

TGIFunny

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Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​​​ Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2020 All Rights Reserved  

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