#(starting to reveal some of the stuff I've only talked about on Discord before)

[apollos-boyfriend]

Hey I've been observing from afar through your reaction blogging, I haven't been in mcyt as much since the dsmp ended but I still care about a lot of the people in the mcyt circle and I'm interested in what goes on - care to give a rundown of what happened at this twitch rivals thing everyone keeps talking about? (no pressure only if you want to) Aside from the fact I'm sure it was terribly run like most twitch rival events are, but it sounds like there was more to it than that

okay so. i am going to be missing quite a few details because i missed a day myself + my streamer could not care less, so i heavily encourage others to add on stuff i missed

this was a multi-day competition, running for 5 days with prize rewards from 1k to 100k. it started with i think 150 players, with select numbers of people getting eliminated each round. day 1-2 are fairly normal, at least for twitch rivals. of all the games that got played through the whole event, i'd say like 1 was actually good, and maybe 2 were decent, at best. most are bad, poorly-executed, poorly thought out, or just boring in terms of both player enjoy-ability and content creation.

DAY 3 EDIT:

now, sapnap's been sapnap for this entire event already. obnoxious, a bad sport, but most notably, playing DMCA'd songs. the event ran on proximity chat, so while he was unmuted, everyone around him would also be subject to said songs, which could mute vods at worst and terminate accounts at best. most people are fed up with him at this point. while everyone's trying to come up with solutions for the glitch, sapnap spams the discord with useless shit. couriway calls him out in the discord, calling him annoying and obnoxious, then later calling him a cunt in twitch chat. sapnap uses couriway and feinberg's name in his stream title for clickbait and talks shit about them + their friends (hbg/house builder gang). he also makes some weird comment asking if couri is homophobic because sap was talking about having skeppy's dick in his mouth?? or something?? i'm unsure exactly how day 3's issue of the glitch resolved.

day 4 is also your average experience with your usual range of average to horribly painful games. sapnap continues to be a bitch and not take responsibility for his stans attacking anyone in sight, but what else is new

day 5 is. bad. the game set for deciding the final competitors can be cheesed (if you let someone else do all the work, you can punch them in the last second and steal their win) and eliminates like 20 people at once. on top of that, a glitch happens that leaves the server on standby for at least 30 minutes while admins decide what to do. firebreathman sends a picture of a bare naked ass in the discord. someone else sends a photo of their debit card. streamers entertain themselves in various ways, including growing a cactus (fulham), playing osu (purpled), collecting other people's streams for their overlay (fruitberries), playing slime rancher (badboyhalo), and building real-life furniture (couriway). tubbo (who was already eliminated at this point) starts jumping between streams and asking in chat for the tea. the game is eventually replayed, deciding the final 4 players, but it's just as broken and at that point, no one wants to be there anymore. it's revealed through multiple streamers (purpled, i believe also feinberg) that twitch rivals games are not tested before being ran. the only testing done was a stress test to see if the server could handle all original 150-some players. this explains why the games are so bad and poorly organized (some games take over an hour, others barely 30 minutes).

the final four are sapnap, shadoune, sneegsnag, and i think feinberg. it's the most anticlimatic game of connect 4 you can imagine. sneeg eliminates sapnap, and shadoune eliminates fein. notably, fein's game glitches during a throw, which despite being obviously a glitch, the coordinators brush off as being "part of the game". fein and multiple other streamers spend time analyzing every pov frame by frame and all agree that yeah, that was a glitch. shadoune and sneeg are left for the finals. they come to an agreement that this is stupid and a horrible event. tired of this bullshit, they purposefully stall the games and run a podcast for approximately 2 hours, forcing the coordinators to bend to their commands hunger games-style. essentially since the first glitch of the day people were begging twitch to just split the money, something that wouldn't be easy according to tubbo, because everything is pre-signed and delegated before the event. sneeg and shadoune give no fucks, and force the coordinators to split the money anyway, winning the day through the power of friendship. i cannot stress enough how no one wanted to fucking be there by the end of all this.

[capow02]

hi hi hello hi I think you're my only sio mutual that's active anymore (': I looked up the welcome 2 elsewhere site because I just randomly remembered it earlier and honestly am I the only one who misses that era? like the bright and colorful aesthetic with the super trippy and horror visuals? the arg they put together? the dyed hair? like maaaan don't get me wrong I'm happy about the new era but elsewhere was taken from us too soon </3 maybe I need to make more art of it lol

Hi!! I'm so glad you sent this ask because I love the elsewhere era so much, I could genuinely talk about it for hours. So here, have this extremely long essay about my experience.

I discovered set it off in early 2021, so the elsewhere era was the first full album cycle I experienced. And my god it was perfect! I was on holiday when the website went up along with the teaser for skeleton, and I remember so clearly trying to figure out all the puzzles before retreating alone back to our hotel room to figure out minesweeper. The feeling of excitement as the discord was going crazy trying to figure everything out was unmatched!

And then skeleton came out, and I was genuinely obsessed. I had just moved into an awful shared house for my second year at uni, so I drowned all my sorrows by putting the song on repeat, drawing the band almost constantly and of course, making the lyric video that would start my channel! The hype was so massive, the dyed hair was iconic, I genuinely lived and breathed the multicoloured aesthetic. I bought every single merch thing I could (my room decor and t shirts still reflect this.) I got a switch that year, and immediately named my island elsewhere.

Every time the website changed, the excitement was so palpable that I dropped everything I was doing when it happened. Of course I had projector and who's in control on loop when they came out, and while I didn't like them as much as skeleton, they built so much hype for the album it was unreal. I even attended an online concert a couple months before the album came out, and it took place so late at night that I went to sleep at 5am while having to get up at 8. I was that committed.

And remember the teasers they posted to instagram and twitter? The ones they posted at 5pm every wednesday and sunday, where unscrambling the code revealed the next song title, the ones I based my elsewhere lyric videos off? I actually set an alarm on my phone so I could catch these as soon as they appeared, I was that desperate to know the next title! And of course the discord went crazy each time, the energy was unmatched. And when the album actually came out, oh my god. It was on loop for over 6 months. I thought taste of the good life was a gift from god, the amount of times I listened to it.

The hype continued throughout 2022, as demos kept coming out through the fanclub (which I paid full money for, getting one of my favourite ever hoodies in the process) and each demo seemed to be better than the next. I still have no idea how the truth about lying was cut from elsewhere and playing with bad luck stayed.

Also, I was so excited for my first ever sio concert that november. And the day 100% lived up to the expectations! I gave the boys some stickers in vip which they loved, and even got a hug from zach after explaining an obscure talk it off reference on one of his stickers. I made some great friends in line, even though I got seated tickets so I had to be separated from them, but I did still get great seats. And the concert itself!! I'm so glad I can say I've seen third wheel live, even if it was in the medley. And I still remember the pure joy I felt when I waved at cody and he waved back at me during uncontainable.

By the start of 2023 and all the "scandals" and stuff started happening, along with their slow retreat off of all social media, I could tell the era was gradually ending and I was really sad. It fully sunk in when they stopped dying their hair, and I was devastated, I almost forgot what they looked like with natural hair. Although I will say I probably got more closure on the era than you guys in america, because I actually made it to one of the end of elsewhere shows here in the uk.

I have to say, that was probably the best night of my life. I paid full price for the vip this time, so I got to actually hang around and talk to them before the show. I also got standing tickets, and managed to get barrier, which was so close to the stage I could've reached out and touched cody countless times. It was wild, and I enjoyed every second. Of course, 4 days later punching bag released, marking the proper end of elsewhere. (And they haven't toured the uk since.)

I miss this era so goddamn much. I have so much nostalgia for it, even though its barely been a year since it ended, and I really wish the current era's branding was as strong. I always felt so close to the band during elsewhere, with all the talk it off episodes and them noticing me on social media. The sense of community was strong, and I miss it a lot now they've stopped posting anything. Idk, I might be biased because it was my first time experiencing a full era.

Anyway, if you actually read all that, thanks! I really needed a good reminisce. And yes, you should make more art of elsewhere! The visuals were unmatched, especially in the music videos 💜💜

[rydrake6]

I'm setting limits for how many youtube videos I watch in a day because I spend a disturbing amount of time watching stuff.

You never really realize how dependant you are on something until you decide to cut back on it. I'm trying to cut back on the time I spend on youtube by limiting the amount of videos I'm allowed to watch in a day, and I'm so freaking bored now that I've exhausted the limit. Like, what else is there to do in the dead of night if not watch video after video? I know it's for the best though. The first limit I set was 64 videos a day. I watched like, up to 57 or so videos. But it really put into perspective just how much time I've been spending every day just watching youtube videos. Like, if I say my average amount of youtube videos I watch in a day is somewhere around 55, then that means that I watch 385 videos per week and 1,650 videos per month on average. Some of the videos are short, sure. But that's a disturbing amount of videos I watch on an estimated average. That is an unsettling amount of time I waste just watching video after video on youtube.

It really puts into perspective just how much youtube controls my life. I'm hoping that by cutting back, maybe the internet won't be such a large portion of my life. I've seen all of this stuff about how the internet used to be vs how it is today. I bet back when the internet was in it's infancy, tech addiction wasn't such a big thing. But then people started specifically engineering things like apps and social media websites specifically to be addictive.

I'm hoping that weening myself off of constant consumption can allow me to have a healthier relationship with using internet and that at some point in my day, I'll be done with it. I don't really have any other social medias that I use outside of youtube and tumblr. I've got discord, but I'm not really active on there. I made a reddit account once, but I never posted on it and if I ever feel like doing so I'm probably gonna delete it. I used to have a twitter, but it fucked up my brain chemistry so badly that I'm still dealing with some of the effects to this day(Side note: Do not make a twitter account under any circumstances. It's not worth it. Especially post Elon Musk buying it). And I don't think I'd ever consider getting a tiktok, instagram, or any other type of social media. So Youtube's really the main, if not the only, source of this.

I'm also hoping that less time spent doom scrolling will help me to work on other stuff I want to/have to work on. I've got game dev goals for this year that I've gotta work on and I want to try my best to get as close to meeting them as I can before the year ends. Also, I haven't really been talking about it too much lately, but I've got a show I'm working on that I think I can actually make. I'm not gonna reveal too much about it though, but I've already composed an opening theme and made a reference sheet for one of the characters. I'm a bit hesitant to announce something like that though because 1, I'm afraid I might lose interest like all the other times I've announced that I'm gonna make a thing, and 2, it's still in the very early stages of development. Somewhere along the line I kind of realized that I need to start small before I go for the big projects.

Anyways though, my point is that less time watching absurd amounts of youtube videos = more time for creativity. If anyone else wants to try this, all you have to do is pick a number that you think is close or somewhat less than the amount of videos you watch. If it feels like it's regular for you, then at the end of the day, reduce the limit. It's also important that you keep count of how many videos you watch and stop watching when you've reached the limit. (I keep count using tally marks on a whiteboard, but you could use anything that works.)

It's normal to feel a bit of discomfort after reaching your limit, your brain is addicted to the endless flow of dopamine and once you stop, it's going to be like "Hey where's my dopamine?" You're probably also gonna feel the urge to watch another video and go past your limit. Try to resist that urge.

After you've reached your daily limit, don't watch any more videos unless you have to watch them to do something. Like for example, tutorials are fine so long as you're going along with them and doing the thing the tutorial is teaching you how to do. If you have to watch a video for school or something, then that's also fine. It's okay to make exceptions that don't count, but make sure that those exceptions are reasonable. I'd recommend that videos that were sent to you by friends or family, tutorials, or music are ones that you don't have to mark down. You can set your own rules, but try not to make it so that you're just watching tutorial after tutorial. Like, if you've reached the daily limit and you're watching a baking tutorial, bake the thing along with it. I've been rambling so I'm just gonna assume that you get the point by now.

I do this with Youtube, but you can probably try it for other social medias as well to break your doom scrolling cycle. Like, limit the number of posts you scroll past on tiktok or twitter or something. Basically just make rules for yourself that restrict your time on the apps. It's not gonna feel good, it'll probably be stressful, but it's worth it.

[sammygems]

so before i made this post, i was actually sending a friend on discord some of the things i remembered/noticed while rewatching, so mini update with those notes. these all apply to like, very early season 1.

what the fuck was the point in Sasha making Sean Connery big???? what was the reason???? 😭

one of my favourite things in early Diaries is when a character who was previously like, just one of the minecraft comes alive villagers becomes "aware" and Aphmau is like "oh wow you can talk to me now?" and the villager just like, boardline gaslights her with "what do you me? i've always been able to talk to you"

why did Brian's name change from Ryan to Brian? like, do we think that Jess or Jason just forgot what his name originally was and changed it to Brian without realizing or was there an actual reason that was never explained???

the way at the start of the series, literally every time there is voice acting, everyone pronounces Garroth's name differently, it's so funny

to quote myself: "damn, remember when Sasha was described as "a woman with hair as white as snow" and Gene as "a man with eyes like water""

Aphmau when she learned that Kiki had a love story with a werewolf: "that's kinda weird and sad"

Aphmau when she makes Aaron a werewolf so she has a love story with a werewolf: sometimes very weird fetish-y stuff

when Levin first came into Aphmau's care, i said to my friend that it's very funny to listen to Aphmau talk about babies as if she doesn't know what it's like to have one, even tho when Diaries season 1 came out in 2015, she already had 2 of her irl kids (Joseph was born in 2012 and Julia was born in 2014)

there was some vague werewolf racism from Aphmau in an episode, don't remember which episode it was but it was before Laurance made his debut

"Laurance meets Aphmau and immediately trauma dumps on her"

Garroth had his face reveal and i said "remember when this was a big deal?"

"Brendan is one of the girls" ~ this was in reference to Brendan being at the beach with Kiki, Donna and maybe KC looking at Laurance and Brendan said that he was only there because "the other girls are here and Sasha was a girl" but i found it funnier to just ignore the part about Sasha

Aphmau found out that Laurance was Joh's adoptive son, but she said to herself "so he was the guard for his step-father or adoptive father?" and this caused me to rant to a different friend about people mixing up step-family and adoptive family

remember when Zane told Aphmau that he would be fine with marrying her so he could abuse his power over her?

this was followed by me saying that i love evil Zane btw

"Zane on his sacrificing babies arc"

and that's all that i sent to my friend while watching before i made the original post for this, i just thought that i would share. other then this, it's mostly just me celebrating when a character finally shows up

Things I Have Noticed/Remembered from my MCDiaries rewatch

I will be updating this as I continue my rewatch, currently everything listed is out of order, cause I've started writing this as I am on episode 64 of season 1 and I don't feel like fixing it to be in order, so sorry!

What the fuck was Garroth's "plan" he mentions to Zenix in the first episode 😭

Zenix seems to be younger then Garroth in Diaries, considering the way that Garroth talks about him, but I think in MyStreet, Zenix is either the same age or slightly older then Garroth, so far this is like, the only obvious age difference between the series (besides Travis and everyone else of course)

I forgot how entertaining Brendan's character is, he's far less annoying then I remembered

ZANE AS AN ACTUAL BAD PERSON, I LOVE HIM

I love Vylad, but I legit forgot how much he was in Diaries season 1, I thought he was in it far less

Currently at the stage of Diaries where there is no lgbt+ people, i'm very disappointed by this (we haven't even reached the queerbaiting)

KC's character is....not as bad (racist) as I was expecting, still not great though. I'm choosing to believe that KC is from Tu'lu and Maid Cafes are a thing there, and "Kawaii~Chan" is just a stage name for her work.

Y'all know how Cadenza went missing and she was actually turned into a chicken? Yeah, the way Hayden, Castor, & Laurance talk about her to Aphmau makes it sound like Cadenza is a small child. But then it turns out she's the same age, if not older, then Laurance and Aphmau.

Aphmau should've just made Joh and Hayden lovers, I'm so serious, it would make the whole Cadenza and Laurance being "close like siblings" in season 1 to I think actually being called as siblings in season 2 and in MyStreet a lot easier to understand and make a lot more sense.

Why does Kenmur have like, some sort of romance with all the girls from Meteli??? He was engaged to Sasha and is stated to have feelings for Cadenza.

I love when the episodes open from Sasha's POV, and she goes and talks to Gene and there's just no voices. I love having to pause to read what they're saying. (this point is sarcasm)

The way literally everyone reacted to learning Laurance was blind was....icky. Like, I understand Cadenza and Aphmau reacting as like "we need to find a way to bring his sight back", but the fact that it was literally EVERYONE who decided he needed to get his sight back was so weird.

I don't mind Laurance ACTUALLY getting his sight back, but I wish it was done differently. Like, personally, I'd have him like, have to wash his face with the water of the fountain of Lady Irene.

Emma & Corey, Dale & Molly, and Logan & Donna are very sweet couples.

After Zoey and KC were able to turn Cadenza back to her human form, Zoey mentions that she "recognizes Cadenza from somewhere", but I don't think this goes anywhere???? I'm assuming it was supposed to hint at like, Cadenza's backstory.

ngl, I kinda wish we got more of Zane and Kiki's relationship, I really wanna know what side of Zane Kiki actually saw.

Anyway, Kiki is currently expecting.

Nicole (my beloved) has showed up. I've decided I won't question the logic behind her iron fists being able to break bedrock, and instead say that her referencing her iron fists just made me think of Ace from One Piece and Natsu & Gajeel from Fairy Tail.

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT NICOLE'S FOX, ROXY, AND ABOUT THE WYVERNS IN GENERAL 😭

I need to mention that in one episode (before Aphmau went to Scaleswind and learned about Lady Irene), Garroth says to Aphmau "by the seven", which I think she was hurt, but the use of "by the seven" is similar to how the same phase would be used in Game of Thrones or to how irl lots of people say "oh my god", so I'm really wondering if there were originally supposed to be 7 Divine Warriors instead of 6.

The way when Aphmau found Levin and decided to keep him and Garroth IMMEDIATLY decided he would be Levin's father figure.

The way when Laurance found out that Aphmau had a kid, his response was to play with Levin and say to Aphmau "you didn't tell me you had this little buddle of joy/energy".

That's all for now, I'll like, update when I have more to add.

[cv-nobody-and-associates]

Project Pandora - Files Recovered

Log Notes - Date ???

The lab techs finally got a good one. Natural affinity with the button, and a power ideal for our research. Younger than usual. Current theory is that genetic variance will work better on a younger body. Don't know where they took the kid from, but it seems very tame. Little resistance was noted upon acquisition. All in all, subject 37 seems like our strongest candidate yet.

Log Notes - Date ??? +6M

The subject is progressing about as well as predicted. Improvements with their natural ability don't seem to be assisting progress with our goals. Disappointing, but the director assures me that subject 37 is still in the early days of development, and that soon our experiments can proceed in force. Additional notes on Subject 37 - it remains quiet most days, aside from the usual screams as the experiments proceed. Touch seems to greatly disturb it. Consider use of fear to boost adrenaline for greater response?

Log Notes - Date ??? +1Y

We've had a breakthrough. Subject 37 finally registered a genetic change through its ability. Had to use truth serums to insure it hadn't used the button for a 'complete shift', as the techs call it. Injections with other stimulants show some promise, but as suspected stress is the real key. Reaction was prompted after doctor [REDACTED] attempted physical contact with subject 37. Additional notes - subject 37 seems disturbed, has taken to talking to itself. Disposal of doctor [REDACTED]'s body on hold, genetic analysis required. check for DNA samples.

Log Notes - Date ??? + 3Y

The director is concerned about the mental state of subject 37. The instability could potentially put the project in danger. It's been talking to itself a lot, and we believe it may be hallucinating. We've been trying every substance possible, but nothing's working. Blood samples reveal nothing beyond the expected test parameters. We're close. The genetic components are coming into place. The button WILL make life. Additional notes - subject 37's name was recently found in public news. All mentions of 'Oira' are being censored, and we've hired people to remove the press issue.

Log Notes - Date ??? +6Y

Potential security breach. The lab techs noted some peculiar energy readings around subject 37. Slowed down security footage shows some kind of odd light. Subject 37 appeared to talk to it. Audio unavailable. The director has insisted on tighter security as well as radiation sensors. No noticeable effect on Subject 37. Additional notes - Lab tech reported seeing a floating island yesterday. Sent for psychiatric evaluation.

Log Notes - Date ??? +14Y

The facility is on lockdown. Project Pandora is at risk. I knew we shouldn't have dismissed those energy readings. Something compromised the cell of subject 37 and altered it, and whatever it is now it isn't happy. Genetic readings are off the charts and constantly shifting. Subject 37.5 now seems capable of complete cellular manipulation. Its button however, has been damaged. Additional notes - 37.5 appears to be in a state of transformation. Face keeps flickering from a musical note to what appears to be a question mark. The latter image has been lasting longer before dissipating. Increase containment to level Omega security. It cannot be allowed to escape

-No further logs recorded. Termination of project Pandora noted 47 minutes after last entry.

"What were all these doing here?" Nao couldn't help but ask. She had been exploring the mansion that she would be calling home, and had managed to find a library full of various books and scrolls and such. In the centre of the room there was a laptop sitting on an ornate desk, one that seemed at odds with the old and rather clunky looking laptop.

"Oira..." She repeated the name mentioned in the logs, the only files she seemed able to access. For the moment, the only other files on the laptop seemed to be encrypted or damaged. Even using her suit to attempt to interface directly with the technology - something she had only just learned she could do when a tendril slithered off to a USB port - seemed to do little to allow for better access.

The name brought very little to her mind, though there were brief flashes. A lab. Hands reaching in uncomfortable places. Needles. Screams. She guessed they were memories, no doubt inherited from Nobody in some capacity, or rather what little of Nobody could be incorporated into her.

There was one more detail she was able to find, however. A name attached to this 'Project Pandora'. A single word, accompanied by the vague memory of an M-shaped logo.

"Mythos." She confirmed to herself. "Something tells me there's more to that name. It must belong to a group, but why would Nobody care?" She thought aloud. "She's definitely connected to Oira. Is that why? Maybe..." She sighed, uncertain.

"Probably warrants some further investigation. I'll ask the team."

[tessenpai]

Chika and Satowa: Skinship

I absolutely love Chika and Satowa's relationship, to the point, it's probably the one I like most in manga. There are several reasons for that: The respect they have for each other, the understanding, the deep care... The way Amu-sensei has developed it over the years makes it one of the best slow-burn romances I've ever seen, one in which it never feels like it's dragging you along. No, they are not an official pair as of yet, but the process and the growth we witness as readers is so beautiful in itself, so inevitable, that you just enjoy every second of the ride.

This topic has come up recently in the Discord KOT server, and I must say it was such an interesting conversation that I had to write a post organizing my thoughts about it.

Skinship is something that any romance fan swoons about. We all love a hug, a caress, a sign of affection when we see our OTP. Skinship is especially important in Chika and Satowa's relationship, and it is something that has developed splendidly while revealing some other complicated stuff.

Going back to chapter 2, Chika and Satowa's first impressions of each other was... not ideal. They fought all the time and didn't seem to see eye to eye. That of course changes throughout the manga, as we all know. However, the skinship between the two, and the meaning of touching each other also changes dramatically.

In the early chapters of Kono Oto Tomare! neither of them seems to feel like touching each other is much of a big deal, yes he notices that her hand is small, but what really interests him is how her hands show her hard work. Touching her, at this point, doesn't really hold any romantic feelings on either side. He even takes care of her fever and stays over at her place, and it was no biggie!! But then a change commences happening.

The first one to change is Satowa. She starts to get to know Chika better, and learns about his kindness and his dedication to Koto, as well as how caring he is towards his friends (took care of her when she was sick, told her she could talk about her family situation whenever she was ready, pushed her to have lunch with her school friends...), Satowa starts being aware of Chika as a man. Things that before wouldn't face her, now feel completely different for her

Chika, on the other hand, still seems fairly unaffected by physical contact with Satowa at this point. He is not a guy that goes out of his way to touch people and is not a touchy-feely person anyways. However, when Satowa falls on his arms and very much reacts, Chika doesn't know what to make of that and mistakes her reaction with anger/embarrassment. When Sane comes through the door and sees them in that position, he scolds Chika, but Chika isn't really listening to him and instead is trying to understand the reason for her reaction. In the end, he concludes he must have touched her breast on accident and decides to receive Sane's punishment in silence. Because for him there is no other reason for her to react that way... it was a very innocent exchange on his part after all.

It all changes after The Incident. Yes, it requires capital letters and bold cursive letters, because when Chika's lips end up in Satowa's brow, a huge turn is made in their relationship. It was a very innocent accident. No real meaning behind it. But at this point, Satowa, who was doing fine in ignoring the awareness and keeping Chika as only a friend and clubmate, is unable to do so any longer. She didn't expect it, and she did not know how to react to it. For her, it was not only physical awareness anymore. And she had no way to ignore the feelings that were developing towards him.... although she gave it an honest try there, much to Chika's dismay, who couldn't understand why Satowa was suddenly avoiding him.

Let's take a moment to remember Chika is a kid that grew up with a parent that blamed him for everything that went wrong in his life, he was blamed for the trashing of his grandfather's shop, and he carries a lot of self-blame for his gang days when he used to hurt people on the daily with his fists. So of course, the only reason he can think for Satowa's sudden avoidance is that he must have hurt her. Tetsuki, an innocent bystander, tries to be a supportive friend and recommends Chika to give her time.

You see, ever since he first heard Satowa play the koto, Chika has had as a goal to be able to stand by her side. For him, there is no one above her in the koto world and, the way I see it, Chika believes that if he can be acknowledged as fit to be a koto player by her side, then without a doubt he has earned the right to play it. After all, if he caught up to the person he most admires, anyone who said differently was not worth listening to. So when suddenly Satowa pushes him away, not only is he surprised, but he is hurt and lost.

After the school festival, Satowa is able to put in order her feelings. Hiro does this by "turning her feelings into her strength". Satowa's way leans more towards "the competition is near and I can not be distracted by these feelings. I don't even know what they are and I don't want to think about it. Koto and club come first anyways". Chika is giddy that their dynamic is back to normal. She has "forgiven" him and is not avoiding him anymore.

As with music, Chika is a step behind Satowa when it comes to the milestones in their relationship. While Satowa was very much aware of Chika as a guy, he just admired her as a musician. But The Incident not only was a turning point for Satowa in realizing her feelings... But for Chika as well to start being very much aware of Satowa.

It is interesting to see the difference in this awareness compared to Satowa's. I believe Chika's feelings go hand in hand with his admiration towards her. The more he admires her, the more she observes her, and as a consequence feelings develop. But with that comes one thing Satowa did not have: the urge to touch. Satowa was always aware of why she was flustered and of course, would not willingly put herself in a situation where she would not be able to handle her feelings (by touching him). Chika on the other hand does not really understand the why of his sudden impulses, but he is VERY aware he has them... Because he needs to control them or otherwise Satowa could start avoiding him again.

He becomes acutely aware of wanting to touch Satowa all the time because he fears her rejection. He fears he can no longer be by her side if he gives in to his impulses. And we see several examples of this happening.

Chika, in fact, believes him touching her makes her scared/uncomfortable with him. So any time he does end up touching her, he is very scared he has hurt her or scared her because he was careless.

In this second incident, Satowa for the first time assures him that she is NOT scared of him. Granted, she was surprised, but not SCARED. "We spend all the time together, I am not scared of you in any way". And the relief Chika feels by her words is so sweet! He did not hurt her or scare her in any way, and she is not pulling away!! But of course, this was just an accident, not Chika actively giving in to his impulses. So he STILL has to control himself.

This second incident lets us know where Satowa stands where skinship with Chika is involved. What she says while running IS significant: "When you don't even know how I feel---". The problem is not Chika touching her (even though hugging/cuddling in bed might have been a little too much too soon for her), but the fact that that touch does not mean the same for him. From Satowa's perspective, Chika is still unaffected by the physical touch, while SHE IS IN LOVE WITH THE GUY and can barely contain her feelings as it is. Little does she know Chika does think touching her is a huge deal. To be clear, boy can barely keep his hands to himself half of the time. And only because the other half his hands are busy playing the koto.

And then, The Third Incident happens. It is so huge it shall be referred to as TTI. Yes, it gets it's own acronym:

There is so much to analyze here. Oh boy. I'm going to give it my best attempt.

First off, this scene is parallel to the first time they touched (the first pic in this post). We have come a long way since then... They were two strangers at that time... In fact, they didn't really like each other. But now... They VERY MUCH like each other now. While Chika only knows he wants to touch her so bad that he has to stop himself from doing it because he does not think it would be welcomed, Satowa is aware of her own feelings and Chika's and does not find his touch unwelcome per se... is just that it would be better if they were on the same page as of what it makes her feel. What a catastrophic combination, because as a result Chika pushes her hand away, and Satowa thinks he is rejecting her. And when they are at granny's it all blows out.

Satowa is unsettled because he is suddenly physically rejecting her. Chika is once again scared of having hurt her. And he says aloud what his problem is: "It's for me, so I don't put my hands on you all the time".

Satowa... didn't really get his meaning. We all collectively facepalmed with Hiro and went together to scream into the void when Satowa said "Don't lie, you are not the kind of person who hits girls". But she DID get what he said afterward, or more like, what he did NOT say. When Chika apologized and stated he was "the germ", Satowa was absolutely heartbroken that her attitude made Chika apologize and think he had done some terrible thing to her. So the next day, and after reflecting on what to do with her feelings to not hurt him nor the club anymore, she tells him that he didn't do anything wrong that the TV program put her on edge and she dumped it on him. That he has never made her feel uncomfortable, not at all.

While, as an audience, we tend to focus more on Satowa in this scene, and how she is going by what Hiro went through when she tried to suppress her feelings for the sake of the club, this is a deal changer for Chika. And it's EVEN MORE of a deal changer after going to Satowa's house.

Remember when I said Chika is always one step behind Satowa?

Well, it's still true:

These panels have so much significance... Chiharu asked Chika what he thinks of Satowa... And we can follow Chika's train of thought and how he derails it. He can only think about her when she received that flower, that moment when he could barely contain himself from dragging her to him... and then the "Win the Nationals" club poster flashes through his mind. Chika is not exactly the same as Satowa here. Satowa knew in a way what was going on with her but didn't want to acknowledge it. Chika on the other hand absolutely cuts that train of thought as soon as it goes in that direction. Is not that he doesn't want to acknowledge it... It's that he won't even allow himself to think about it. And it's to be expected from a guy who struggles to see himself as fit to play koto besides her... how to allow himself to openly be in love with her?

And somehow, Satowa gets it... Not that he is cutting the train of thought that leads to "I am in love with her", but the fact that he sees himself as below her. And she understands the only way for them to be together is for him to feel like they are on equal footing: "You have to catch up to me by Nationals. Catch up."

You see, in the same way The Incident made Satowa realize very real feelings were getting involved while for Chika it made him be aware of her physically, TTI let us see Satowa really wants Chika to be besides her... not just following behind her, while for Chika, is his moment to realize very real feelings are involved. See? One step behind. Hiro pushes Satowa even further when she helps her treasure those feelings instead of suppressing them.

But back to skinship... What did TTI do for their skinship? Well, after TTI Chika allows himself to touch her, and we can see him being more open on his protectiveness and how touching her, or her touching him brings him calm:

And post-TTI/conversation with Hiro, we have a Satowa who is very aware she is in love and fully embraces those feelings as something beautiful. Uzuki's incident has even pushed her to STOP letting go of Chika's hand, physically and metaphorically. This is not the Satowa who would cower because she could not handle her feelings when he touched her... this is the Satowa who will grab Chika's hand no matter what. And following the theme of "Chika being one step behind", I wouldn't be surprised if one of the conclusions of the current arc is Chika acknowledging the fact that he is in love with Satowa. Letting himself feel it, without derailing that train of thought.

That theme is also the reason I believe Satowa will be the one to confess first, pushing Chika on the final step for them to be on the end line (or start line depending on your perspective). But it could also be Chika the one to confess, representing him having caught up to her... Symbolism, symbolism everywhere.

BONUS TRACK: While rereading the whole manga to put in order my thoughts for this essay, I just find hilarious how Luka hugged Satowa out of nowhere and Chika went: "Oh heck no, I have to control myself all the time and this dude comes and does WHAT?". Then, Luka referred to Satowa without honorifics, and Chika was downright IRKED (Chika, you don't use honorifics for anyone sir...). Is worth noting Satowa uses honorifics for absolutely everyone except Chika. To be fair, everyone uses honorifics with her, except Chika.

BONUS TRACK 2: Tetsuki the innocent bystander. Whenever Chika feels insecure about touching Satowa or having hurt/scared her? Ask Tetsuki, he has the answers. A true BFF.

[whenihaveyouromione]

When I Have You - Chapter 55

Read on Fanfiction.net or ao3 if you'd prefer!

Feel free to join the book Discord server, Book Santas (and Lovers) to talk about books!

---

Chapter 55

"Happy birthday, my love." Ron kissed Hermione's forehead as she stirred. He'd intentionally woken up early so he could surprise her with her birthday present. Or, the first of the six presents he'd decided to give her.

Hermione blinked, touching the place he'd kissed her. She lied there for a few more moments, before she lifted herself onto her elbows, smiling at Ron who was already dressed and ready for work.

He handed her a small, wrapped package, beaming at her.

"Happy birthday," he said again.

Sitting up fully and more awake now, Hermione accepted the gift, but she didn't open it straight away. She simply looked at Ron and smiled. "Thank you," she said.

"Open it," Ron said, still beaming. "I think you'll like it."

Hermione obliged, carefully opening the roughly wrapped present that he'd done five minutes ago. Inside was a box not unlike the one that had once contained her engagement ring.

She lifted the lid to reveal a plain silver bracelet with a single diamond teardrop pendant on it.

"You can wear it tonight," Ron told her before she could say anything more. "To the dinner I'm taking you out to."

Hermione still seemed a little sleep-riddled as she apparently tried to process Ron's enthusiasm over her birthday. She stared at the bracelet for a few moments, taking it out of its box to look at it some more. Then his words sunk in. "Dinner?"

"Yep," Ron said cheerfully. "Just you and me tonight. We are going out and we are going fancy because you deserve nothing less on your birthday."

She smiled, still playing with the small piece of jewellery in her hands. She wasn't one to wear stuff like that often, but he knew she owned a small collection for special occasions, and he knew her well enough now to know that she would like and wear that when the time was right.

"Thank you."

Ron grinned. "How does it feel to be another whole year older?"

"No different from yesterday." She yawned. Work had still been exhausting her, but at least now she was allowing herself to sleep in somewhat and was no longer showing up to work a whole hour before she was due to start. She was only showing up half an hour before, and Ron hoped to one day get her down to on time.

"Well, you'll have an amazing day today," Ron said. "I'm sure of it. I know it."

"Because everyone wants to work on their birthday, right?" she asked dryly.

"Aside from the fact that that's probably something you'd actually enjoy, I've ensured that today is going to be fantastic for you."

She frowned, and he saw the slight panic cross her features, which he’d expected once he hinted at his plans. She really hated her professional life crossing with her personal one, and usually Ron respected that. But today he was making sure she knew just how much he appreciated her — in all places.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked warily.

"You'll just have to wait and see." He smirked.

"Ron —"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to completely embarrass you in front of your colleagues," he assured her. "But they're going to know that you have a husband in another department who thinks the world of you. They know I exist, right?"

"Of course they do."

"Good."

"Ron, what are you planning?"

"Nothing that concerns you now." He kissed her forehead again. "But you'll appreciate it, don't worry." He kissed her mouth, to which she surprisingly responded to by drawing him closer to her.

When they broke apart, Ron feeling a little thrown by her response, but pleased nonetheless, he said, "I made breakfast for you. Do you want it here, or do you want to come downstairs? Or we could forget breakfast all together and just go straight to the other plans I had where we stay in bed. That's fine, too."

Hermione laughed. "What's for breakfast?"

"I made pancakes!" Ron said proudly. He offered his hand to help her out of bed, but rather than using it to pull herself up, she gripped it tightly.

"What?" he asked, noticing the sudden look of love in her eyes.

"It feels so good to be loved by you."

He beamed, feeling his heart constrict with love for her. "Likewise." He gave her another tug, and she finally pulled herself out of bed.

When they reached the kitchen downstairs, Hermione stopped, staring at the elaborate breakfast Ron had prepared while she slept. She stood in wonder for a long while, not saying or doing anything. Then she looked up at him. "What's with the sudden effort for my birthday?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" Ron asked, guiding her to the table. "I acknowledge all of your birthdays."

"Not like this." She sat down at the table upon Ron's insistence.

"Well, you don't turn twenty-three every day, do you?" Ron said. He sat on the other side of the table and began filling her plate with pancakes.

Hermione looked at him, questioning.

At first, he wasn't going to respond — he was going to let her wonder. But then he realised this was Hermione he was talking to and if he didn't give her an explanation now, then she'd pester him until he did. And that would ruin the day he had planned.

"I just feel happy," he said with a shrug. "I mean... extra happy. I finally got to marry you this year after waiting for what felt like ages to do it. We have a house together which I hope we stay in forever — the place we grow old, where we see our kids grow up. This is kind of just the start, isn’t it? The first year of the rest of our lives. I like being your husband. You make me so, so happy. I want to show you that.”

Hermione smiled and looked down at her plate of food. "Well," she said, "so far, this has been my favourite birthday I’ve ever had. I’m lucky to have the most loving husband. So, thank you."

…

"Got anything planned for Hermione's birthday?" Harry asked.

They were walking back to the Auror Office from the weekly briefing by Robards, who preferred it to be in his personal office. It wasn't too far but long enough for a quick catch up before they had to get stuck into their work.

"Lots," Ron said. "In fact, her second present should have landed on her desk by now."

"Her second present?" Harry asked, opening the door to the office. "Just how many are you planning for her?"

"Six!" Ron went to his desk, but before he sat down, he noticed a memo that wasn't a Ministry one sitting there. “To celebrate all our years together so far, plus some extras, because… I felt like it.”

Harry looked revolted as Ron picked it up, reading the short note.

Thank you! The words were followed by a small picture of a heart — a very un-Hermione-like thing to do, especially at work.

He beamed as Harry came to read the note over his shoulder. "What did you give her?"

"A box of personalised chocolates ordered from Honeydukes."

"For Hermione?" Harry raised an eyebrow as Ron sat the memo back on his desk and pulled his chair out to sit down himself.

"I'm determined to actually make her enjoy her birthday with things she wouldn't usually do," Ron explained. "You've seen her. She's really stressed by everything at work at the moment. I want her to enjoy at least one day."

Harry was silent for a moment, thinking. "She's not enjoying it anymore?"

Ron shrugged. "She says she is, but that she’s a little stressed by it. She's really slowed down lately. Actually relaxing on the weekends and ignoring memos or work in favour of sleep. Which is good, because it's what I want her to do, but… I don't know." He shrugged. "I keep asking, she's insisting she's fine, so what can I do?"

"Allow her to have a great birthday?" Harry asked with a smirk.

"I'm trying."

"Well, Ginny and I got her something. Are you free tonight or should we hold off until tomorrow to see you guys?"

"We’re having dinner tonight," Ron said. "Just the two of us. Tomorrow night is with her parents, but Saturday should be good."

"It's like we never get to see our friends anymore," Harry complained, though he smiled. "I'm not sure how I feel about you two being married and all. All this alone time you need…"

Ron laughed. "Annoying, isn't it. Saturday good? Is Ginny home?"

"Saturday's fine," Harry replied. "She is."

"Great. I haven't seen my sister in months."

The rest of the morning went by fairly slowly. Ron kept glancing at his watch. He'd timed her next present to arrive at midday, and he was just waiting to hear what she thought of it. He doubted she’d appreciate this one as much as the chocolates. In fact, he expected her to just about murder him for embarrassing her, but he was looking forward to that. Because he knew she'd secretly appreciate it even if she didn't want to admit it.

Sure enough, around one o'clock, Hermione came storming into their office. Her robes brushed past Harry's desk as she made a beeline for Ron, knocking some of Harry's things flying.

"Got it?" Ron asked with a grin. "Happy birthday!"

As Harry used his wand to return everything to his desk, he watched Hermione warily, apparently sensing her on-edge emotions.

Ron just continued to beam at her as she glared down at him, admiring the way her hair fell across her face, how her cheeks were tinged rather pink, and how she seemed to be torn between wanting to kill him where he sat and wanting to kiss him.

His smile grew. She had liked it.

"I'm getting the worst looks in the office," she said.

"Good," Ron told her.

"Could you not have… toned it down a little?"

"Never," Ron said. "I told you, I want you to feel appreciated today."

“The office thinks I’m mad.”

“Good. They’ll leave you alone for once.”

Her lip quivered, threatening the smile she really didn't want to give him.

"You're welcome," Ron continued. "I love you. Enjoy all five hundred of them."

"Five… hundred?" Hermione asked, and she flushed. "There's not —"

"There is," Ron said. He stood up and kissed her across his desk. She didn't pull away, but simply stared in… awe, maybe.

He kissed her again, and she kissed him back, albeit it wasn't obvious in front of so many people. Then she left, looking shocked.

"That went down well then, didn't it?" Harry said, amused.

"She loved it," Ron said, grinning.

"It looked like it."

"She did. She was trying to hide it, but she did."

"What did you do?"

"Sent five hundred roses into her office."

Harry stared for a moment, appearing mildly revolted by the image. Then, "She's going to kill you when you get home."

"She’s my wife and I love her. What’s a better way to show her that? I’m allowed to do nice things for her on her birthday." He smiled to himself and sat back down behind his desk.

He could feel Harry’s eyes on him for a few moments longer before his friend finally shook his head and returned to his work.

Ron couldn’t help but smile again. Hermione really had appreciated it, even if it had embarrassed her at the same time. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have kissed him back while at work. That was how much she appreciated it.

…

“Ron, you really shouldn’t —”

“I told you, Hermione. There’s six gifts and this is the fifth one. You’re worth it all, because you’re amazing and I like doing it for you.”

Flushing pink, Hermione accepted the fifth gift for her birthday — the one Ron had planned right before their dinner date. She really wasn’t accustomed to such treatment, mostly because Ron had never done something like this in the past. He usually just got her one present, and they would celebrate with her parents with a nice dinner out in the evening. But he’d talked them into celebrating a day late this year — not because he thought it would be more special without them, but because he just really wanted to do this for her. They had had so much fun in France, been so in love, and he’d wanted to keep that alive. Life got out of control sometimes and he was determined to sometimes remind both of them that they could still have fun.

This gift was another small package, after the more romantic ones appearing on her desk at intervals throughout the day. After the roses, there had been a birthday card which played music (something which she had admonished, yet thanked, him for when she got home). She’d enjoyed the gifts; it had brightened a relatively bleak day for her, she’d told him.

Hermione slowly opened the fifth present, holding a small, pink bottle in her hand. “Perfume?” she asked.

Ron nodded. “You can also wear that tonight — if you want, I mean. You don’t have to.”

She smiled at him, spraying a bit of it in front of her to smell it. “It’s better than the last time you got me perfume.”

Ron went slightly red at her reminder of his gift to her back in fifth year. “That was… through owl order. I never got to smell it myself. Plus, I was fifteen. I know better now.” He touched her wrist, where she already had the bracelet on. She was wearing a deep purple dress that flowed just below her knees and her hair was slicked back into a half up, half down type style.

“I love you,” he said to her, smiling. “You look great. Beautiful. Incredible. I’m so in love with you.”

“Where are we going, exactly?” she asked him, leaning forward to kiss him gently.

“I told you, it’s a surprise.”

“And you said there’s six presents, but this is the fifth…” She looked worried, more than curious. Like she expected the last one to completely and utterly embarrass her in public.

“I’ll give it to you when we get there,” Ron assured her, returning her kiss. “Ready?”

She nodded. “Just have to put the perfume on.”

...

Ron Disapparated her into an alley on the outskirts of Falmouth. He’d found a nice place to take her a few weeks back — recommended by Bill — but without the hustle and bustle of London. It was wizarding, which meant organising it had been a little easier for him — though, he was quite apt at using a telephone these days.

Upon entering, Hermione’s eyes widened, which was saying something considering she was used to these types of places with her parents.

“I’ve heard of this place,” she said, beaming at Ron. “I’ve always been curious…”

“Well, now you can indulge,” Ron told her, giving her hand a squeeze. “And your final gift is…” He indicated a small private setting where the room jutted out over the water.

Hermione smiled at the sight. “It’s beautiful.”

“Just like you.” Ron guided her over to the table. They were completely isolated from the rest of the place. He’d wanted to do this the moment Bill had told him it was an option. It had felt like the perfect end to her birthday.

The room was elaborately decorated with fire lights floating on the ceiling, a white tablecloth on the table for two and fancy cutlery that his family would never have been able to own. Some eyes flickered towards them, perhaps recognising Hermione whose face had appeared in the Prophet on and off over the last several months, but they didn’t linger for long.

“You did this?” Hermione asked, eyes turning to him.

“Well, the people who work here did it,” Ron said. “I just organised it. Sit. And get whatever you want.”

Hermione obliged, pulling out a chair and taking a seat. Ron pulled out the opposite one, unable to take his eyes off of her. She was enjoying this already and it pleased him. She deserved every bit of love in the world and he was glad he was the one who could give it to her.

Once they were settled, he reached across the table and took her hands. “So, you’ve had a good birthday?”

“It’s been wonderful,” Hermione said. “I admit that I was a little worried when you wouldn’t tell me what you were planning, but everything was so… thank you, Ron. I got told many times today how wonderful you were. I appreciated it.”

“My pleasure,” Ron said. “That was the plan. I mean… not being called wonderful, but you appreciating it.”

She smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Ron gave her hands another squeeze and then pulled away, picking up the menu that had just appeared in front of him. “I mean it when I say get whatever you want. It’s your birthday so there’s no limit, alright?”

“Understood,” Hermione said, picking up her own menu. “With that freedom, I could order everything on here.”

Ron shrugged. “If that’s what you want.”

“I’d never get through it.”

Ron chuckled, scanning the menu. “I’d love to see you try.” He looked up and watched her for a moment as she studied the menu, deciding what she wanted. She was smiling, and it was nice to see, because he realised that he’d not seen her smile that much recently. Not because he didn’t think she wasn’t happy, but because she was finding balancing everything overwhelming — a stressful job, maintaining her promise of being home on time most nights, and just the general struggles of day to day life. It was a lot for her to take in.

They picked their choices from the menu by using their wands and as they waited for it to arrive, Hermione relayed to Ron in greater detail just what had happened when the gifts arrived — the flowers in particular.

“They just… appeared,” she said in an awed tone. “Bunch by bunch —”

“I know.”

“Were there really five hundred?”

“That’s what I asked for.”

“The whole office smelled of roses for the rest of the day. It lifted everyone’s mood, really. They were beautiful, really.”

It was hard for Ron to wipe the smile from his face.

The food was some of the best Ron had ever eaten — and that was saying something considering he’d grown up with his mother’s cooking and attended Hogwarts for six years.

Despite him telling Hermione to get whatever she wanted, she’d chosen only enough to fill her. It appeared on the table after half an hour of waiting, to which point Ron was famished.

“This is so stunning,” Hermione said, looking out the window. “And…” She looked around the room, where it was just the two of them. “It’s so romantic, too. I’m glad you picked this spot, Ron.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Their plates vanished after they’d finished and Ron reached across the table to take her hands once more. “You want dessert?” he asked.

She laughed quietly. “I don’t think I could eat anything else tonight. It was so delicious, though…” They looked at each other for a moment — just looking — and Ron was momentarily taken back to the beginning days of their relationship where he’d had all these emotions running through him, where he was finally able to express his feelings for her without any fear of consequences, rejection. It had been chaotic then, feeling so many uncontrollable things that had made him feel so good.

The way his heart had thrumped in his chest at different speeds, the strong feelings of love and admiration and how he’d known, even then, that she was the one he wanted to spend forever with.

He was feeling all those feelings again — the intense, uncontrollable love, the desperate desire to be near her, to let her know he loved her — in this moment.

He just wanted her and only her.

Forever.

And he told her as such.

Her face filled with colour at his words — not out of embarrassment, but affection. She looked moments away from throwing herself across the table at him.

He laughed at the thought.

“Maybe we should go if you don’t want dessert?” he suggested.

Hermione turned her gaze back to the window again.

“Why don’t we go for a walk down by the water?” she suggested. “We hardly ever get this chance.”

Ron shrugged and stood up, dragging her up by the hand. “Whatever you want,” he said softly.

Ron paid for the meals — which were far more expensive than any food needed to be — and they left the restaurant, making their way down to the water. It was a steep, rocky descent to the water’s edge, but considering they were in an all wizarding section of Falmouth, they lit their wands and cast cushioning charms just in case.

They reached a thin, sandy strip where the water was softly lapping at their feet.

Ron smiled, staring down at it. “What was your favourite present?” he asked as Hermione slipped her hand in his. They started walking along the edge, allowing their shoes to get wet.

“I liked them all,” Hermione said.

“And if you had to pick one?”

Hermione thought for a moment, then said, “You, I suppose.”

Ron laughed. “I’m not an option. I’m always here, no matter what. I think you liked the roses.”

“They were beautiful,” Hermione agreed. “But five hundred was a lot.”

“So, what was it, then?” Ron said. He stopped walking and faced her.

She was smiling. She was happy, she was relaxed. “I think the last one.”

“The dinner?”

She nodded.

“Good.”

Ron thought they were going to start walking again, but instead she stepped forward, weaving her arms around his neck and kissing him. Long and deep and passionate.

He moved his hands to her waist, drawing her even nearer. He revelled in the taste of her — everything about her was beautiful. His heart beat so quickly in his chest, it was like experiencing their first kiss all over again, but even better.

She pulled away slowly, keeping her arms around him. He gripped her tightly — partly because he wanted her close, but mostly because he was rather breathless and needed to steady himself.

Her eyes glowed under the moonlight and subconsciously, because he had become an expert at reading that look in her eyes, he dragged one of her dress straps down her arm.

She pulled away and her whole face became illuminated.

“Let’s go,” she said softly, offering her hand.

He nodded, but didn’t speak. He suddenly couldn’t, as enraptured by her as he was.

Before they Disapparated, he took in the water again, smelling the salt, hearing its gentle ebb and flow. But then they landed in their living room, and all of that was forgotten.

It was just them now — her — and he was completely consumed by her and the love he knew they had for each other.

[tiphansia]

Stupid rant lol

It sucks how sometimes supposed acts of allyship hurt someone you're trying to be an ally to. These days more and more people are defaulting to they/them when they're unsure of a person's gender. Which, cool yay whatever. But whenever someone calls me they or them no matter the reason it makes me incredibly angry, profoundly sad, bitter, etc just generally not good at all. People often they/them me online especially in "progressive" spaces and it sucks so much. I know I know utilitarianism dictates it and all that but it just really sucks. There's nothing that can be done either unless everyone went back to using he as the default, which I would like but it would suck for a lot of people so I can't in good conscience wish that. My solution is to act in such a way and present myself in such a way that people assume he/him, because it relieves me from having to outright state my pronouns which I hate to do (and it would also make me so suspicious, I don't like people to know or think I'm trans). I've been in a discord server with someone for months, he knows me we interact daily and I thought he correctly assumed he/him for me through my whole online presentation as he'd gendered me correctly before. But today we were in a voice channel with some other people and he started to use he for me, then quickly said "they, I shouldn't assume". Instant horrible feeling. I can only use the nomic channel to communicate back because for obvious reasons I can't speak, I quickly wrote "it's he fyi :/" but I think I made it worse for myself because my directly stating my pronouns I've just made myself suspicious. What cis person says their pronouns like that. It's so upsetting because anything I say about it will just make things worse so I have to man up and not say anything but it's in my nature to keep talking until things seem "fixed" so it's hard to say nothing haha. And later on someone was saying how dumb these new pronouns are, why can't people use they/them and he was a bro said all the right stuff. Sometimes I'm glad I can't speak because otherwise I would've had to publicly agree with the other person in order to preserve my image and help people make the correct assumptions about me. I guess part of why I hate they/them used on me is because it very clearly tells me this person thinks I'm fucking weird. It reminds me of this post I rbed a few days ago about how asking for someone's pronouns in public seems like "allyship" but it just makes the person feel targeted. It's kind of like that. It's not like I'm a new server member that no one really knows well yet, I've been a core member for months. And yet I'm the only one that this person "didn't want to assume gender" for. Like thanks EVER so much. This is such a stupid rant I'm just so tired of it all. I try so incredibly hard to maintain my image so people assume correctly. Someone in that server called me "unmasculine" once so I asked him why and he said it was because I'm too nice so I've been acting meaner and less considerate and it still doesn't work because sometimes I crack and ask people if they're okay or express sympathy or insecurity or show emotions or reveal that I care what people think and it's all for nothing. Yeah I know it's messed up I don't care. I hate that it feels like it's for nothing. People will always see me as feminine no matter how hard I try. Fuck you. And you know what there's this girl in the server and for the longest time very few people believed her because she has this masculine aura I guess so everyone thought she was trolling. And I was the one being like "guys she's a girl lmao" because I could sense she was uncomfortable saying it herself until finally she was able to say it herself and then people used she/her for her. Even the ally guy refused to believe me until she finally said it herself. I'd give so much to be able to swap places with her lmao. Ugh whatever this is stupid. I wish I could stop caring but I've never been able to not care about anything.