#(shut up jazzy)

[jazzysimlife]

When you see nice cc hair but it’s way too high poly for no reason:

[queenjazzyart]

Tomorrow! 👀

[neurotonic]

yeah ok I honestly didn't expect how much this silly spy game series would grip my brain. idk what about it enraptured me (i know. it's the damn characters and writing) considering I don't really consume that much spy media (but knowing me i don't have hard borders on my interests. if i like it i like it nomatter the genre). but im happy it entered my radar. many thanks to my partner frankie for pushing me into the rabbit hole after hearing her talk about and draw her spy blorbos

THOUGH. FUNNY THING IS. I already had a close encounter with ieytd almost two years before I properly got into it. I was arranging an oc playlist on spotify when it suggested me this song:

i was like "oh cool. this sounds like a spy game theme." then I added it to the playlist because it fit this oc's vibes. I did not check it out however.

fast forward around november 2023 and frankie was gushing about this new game she's playing and i was like "huh. hm. the title sounds familiar". whenever she says the title the song plays in my head. IT TOOK ME DAYS before it really clicked in my head that THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN THING!!!! I guess it was really fate that brought me here. and I'm pretty happy about it.

[theflowerofthecommonwealth]

Jasmine: (Perfectly asleep curled up in Danse’s arms, her fingers gripping the fabric of his new minuteman coat)

Dogmeat: (Wags his tail when he sees Danse enter the house with the teen girl)

Danse: (Being extra careful not to jostle her, his embrace comfy and cozy like a warm ball of bread dough)

Hancock: (Makes room on the sofa) “Bring the baby sister here.” (Fluffs up a pillow)

Danse: (Gently lays Jazzy down on the sofa, rubbing her back)

Hancock: (Cautiously drapes a blanket over the teen) “Careful now, act like you’re laying down Mini Nuke in a crib….”

Jasmine: (Sleepily coos as she reaches up to wrap her big brother up in a hug) “G’night Danse, luv ya….” (Kisses him on the cheek then nuzzles onto his shoulder)

Danse: “Uh……” (Malfunctions and freezes in place, unsure what to do with this gesture of affection from this tiny kitten)

Nick: “Well would ya look at that…” (Grins proudly at his kids from across the room)

Hancock: (Huffs softly) “Now ain’t that just the sweetest thing I’ve seen my lifetime.”

Codsworth: “Oh I must say that I agree with Mayor Hancock on this one!”

Nick: (Crosses the room to put a friendly hand on Danse’s back)

Dogmeat: (Licks Danse’s hands to try and break him out of his stupor)

Piper: (Absolutely fawning over this moment) “Awww, if only I had my camera on me!!!”

Deacon: “I could totally say something snappy and witty here- but today I am feeling generous and feel inclined not to.” (Zips his lips with a cheeky grin) “You’re both adorable though.”

Danse: (Tenderly lays the girl back down and covers her with the blanket once more)

Jasmine: (Reaches to snatch his hand in hers, humming as she makes herself nice and comfy)

Preston: (Smiles softly) “To think how far you’ve come, Danse….”

Curie: (Puts a hand over her heart) “Ah Monsieur Danse! I believe the child has finally taken a liking to you! She did not try to scratch your face this time!”

Danse: (Pets the kittens curls, watching drift off back into sleep)

MacCready: (Crosses his arms with a satisfied look) “Now doesn’t this beat the hoity-toity soldier life any old day, eh Danse?”

Cait: (Takes a sip of her herbal tea as she grins) “Y’know- a girl really does love a good strong family man.”

Danse: (Glances around the room with slightly watery eyes) “…..Is this what having a family actually feels like?”

Nick: (Pats the former paladin on the back) “Welcome to the family big guy- you’re home.”

X6: (Courser grunt and nod of approval from his spot in the back corner)

(Yes- this is a parallel to this because we love Danse here and he deserves a family that won’t turn their back on him)

[americanwh0rerstory]

im so sorry to anyone who sees me being downbad for kai on my alt

[woosansang]

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 beloveds <3

[vilevampire]

WAAAHUUUUUUUUUUUUU !!!!!!!! and GYAAAAAAAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII !!!!!! and UUUUUUUGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and WWOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!

[dex-starr]

I snuck off because I needed to get this out of my brain:

Oh darling when I think of you I just — lose a little of my mind

What I would give or do — to just — have one night to say goodbye

I know it’s not meant to be, but I like to live foolishly

Even if you think it wasn’t true — you don’t know what I’d give for me and you

Oh honey, just help me please, I don’t know what I need.

Of all the things I could do, I never thought I would stay the fool

[currently-becoming-potatoes]

List of words for the computer:

LONG POST- more under the cut

STANFORD- Pulls up a file on Stanford Pines, written by an unknown scientist. It discusses his extra finger and praises his intelligence, as well as calling him the “next evolution in the human species”.

BILL CIPHER- Takes you to the Wikipedia page for the Eye of Providence. Also took me to a Sesame Street video about a Jazzy Triangle and a Square. Not sure what prompted the change.

STANLEY PINES: Takes you to a list of EBay listings for brass knuckles.

FIDDLEFORD: Takes you to the music video for Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex.

SHERMIE: Nothing. I sure do wish we got some lore about Grandpa Pines.

GRAVITY FALLS: The text on the computer reads “never heard of it” and the red light on the bottom turns green.

ALEX HIRSCH: Leads to Google Images for “flannel”. Huh.

WEIRDMAGEDDON: Pulls up an article from the Gravity Falls Gossiper about how nothing happened at all and there was no apocalypse.

DISNEY: Screen reads “rat.gif censored for your protection”

SOOS: Leads to a page of writing from Soos himself, referencing many things (including Tad Strange being gay and madly in love with Woodpecker Guy. Love wins!!!)

DIPPER: Leads to a creepy yellow parchment with a message from Bill Cipher himself trying to trick Dipper into blinding himself by staring at the sun for 13 hours straight! Silly! (Also if you keep clicking on it, the page gets darker and blurrier until it implies we've gone blind)

MABEL: Causes stickers to appear on every available surface. Clicking it enough times leads to message “lab now fully Mabelized”.

WENDY: Leads to a note from Wendy that mentions a way to ward off evil triangles written in the bottom corner of the book.

GIDEON: Makes a web recording of Gideon scatting play. It ends with “I love you forever Mabel”. Please shut the fuck up you little creep.

TAD STRANGE: Plays a video of bread with smooth jazz in the background.

TOBY DETERMINED: Leads to a Google search for a restraining order. Holyyyyy shittttttt

WHO ARE YOU: “I could ask you the same question”

SEASON 3: “Season Two”. I guess that’s that lol

This was about all I could find. Please reblog with anything else you can discover! Thank you, fellow Gravity Falls enjoyers!

And make sure to give some love to all the wonderful folks down in the comments! Many of these answers and tips come from what they've found. I can't list everyone, unfortunately- I didn't expect this post to get popular- but, to everyone who's helped out, THANK YOU.

FURTHER EDITS:

BLIND EYE: Pulls up an optometrist’s eye exam. Each line reads “WKHBOOVHH”. Too lazy to translate atm.

PIÑATA: Bill Cipher getting beaten to death /hj

MASON: A note from Dipper listing several anagrams of Gravity Falls characters’ names. You can check in the comments for the answers.

AXOLOTL: “You ask alotl questions”. Thanks for the pun, Alex, but I’m kind of losing my mind rn

MYSTERY SHACK: Leads to a Google search for Confusion Hill, the real-life Mystery Shack!

MYSTERY: “?”

MONSTER: Leads to several YouTube videos for “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book.”

VALLIS CINERIS: Leads to an analog-horror-esque video of Baby Bill and his parents, who have been blotted out by static, and a voice repeating “WHY DID YOU DO IT” over and over again until you stop the video.

PORTAL: “Portal.exe has been deleted. I bet you could build a new one.”

GIFFANY: You need to put it in multiple times. Several warnings about breaching firewall, followed by a message from GIFFANY saying “SOOS! I still love you!” or smth like that, and then GIFFANY herself briefly appearing onscreen. Trying again after that summons her more. Also lets you download some ZIP files.

DORITO: Summons an image of a spinning Dorito, followed by the most cursed image of Bill Cipher I have ever seen.

GOD: A short video of an axolotl in a tank with a Bill Cipher statue plays. This is Alex’s axolotl, shown in the Book of Bill countdown.

REALITY: “Is an illusion”

FILBRICK: “I’m not impressed”

CARYN: “I knew you were gonna write that”

GLASS SHARD BEACH: Leads to an image of the New Jersey Hell Hole.

ANY CUSS WORD: Pulls up a paper reading “NOT S&P APPROVED. WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP” with an image of soap below.

MATPAT: Leads to a video of MatPat next to a conspiracy board, holding the Book of Bill. He tells us we’re on our own.

BABBA: Plays an audio recording of Dipper singing BABBA. Not Disco Girl, a different song.

CRAZ: Leads to the Jem and the Holograms theme.

XYLER: See above.

AD ASTRA PER ASPERA: Shows us two new journal pages from Ford and Mabel, studying the Cipher statue. They’re definitely worth the read, I teared up looking at them.

ANSWER: “Question”

QUESTION: “Answer”

SEASON ONE: “Season -1: Antigravity Falls”

SEASON TWO: “Season 1” …maybe scratch what I said about Season 3. Or don’t. Things are starting to damage my brain.

CURSED (got from @slimslamflimflam decoding the candle! Thanks!): Shows two pages talking about the dangers of drawing triangles, with the bottom of the second page showing several drawings of Bill and the words “HE IS COMING, RUN”

THE UNIVERSE: “Hologram”

RIZZ: “Life privileges revoked. Now releasing poison gas.” This response is repeated if you type in SKIBIDI or FORTNITE.

BABY: Shows an ultrasound of a fetus Bill Cipher, captioned “Look at what’s growing inside you! See you in nine months, papa!”

JOURNAL 3: “The Journal for Me”

PACIFICA: Leads to a note from Pacifica calling Bill Cipher “ick” and telling us to follow her on social media under “Platinum Paz”

PLATINUM PAZ: Pulls up an image of Northwest Manor with the llama symbol overlaid and a “NW” logo beneath. There's also a short story beneath!

LOVE: Leads to an audiobook of “The Love Triangle”. Need to read later.

BLENDIN: “The time agent lost and presumed incompetent”. Uh…?

SCARY: Leads to another audiobook of a cheesy Goosebumps-esque horror novel written by Bill himself, apparently.

DIVORCE: Shows you the logo of the bar Bill went to after his fight with Ford… Billford bitter exes confirmed

ROBBIE: Leads to the cringiest messages ever. He’s such a failure I love him

CONSPIRACY: Leads to a video of a man losing his mind over the countdown counting up. I feel so seen. (I have been informed that his name is Charlie Day, he's an actor from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and that one meme, he had a quote on the back of the Book of Bill, thanks to everyone who explained that to me, I'm sorry, I'm uncultured)

RAT: “Thurburt’s number?”

BLANCHIN: Leads to a YouTube video on how to blanch vegetables.

TJ ECKLEBURG: “Never mention that name again.”

NOTHING: “Something”

SOMETHING: “Nothing”

BURNSIDE: “Burned inside.” Well… at least we know what happened…

WADDLES: Leads to the pig placement network!

THERAPRISM: Pulls up a sign from the theraprism regarding an emergency situation. The code reads "THE OLD ONE".

SHAPE: Pulls up an article on Plato, triangles, and Ancient Greece. This article is presumably written by Bill.

LLIB and BILL: THIS leads to the Sesame Street video every time.

WEIRD: Shows a video of a frightened Weird Al panicking about being trapped in a computer. Sorry, man...

CLONE: Pulls up an image of Paper Jam Dipper, a warning about not getting him too close to liquids, and an option to print.

TRIANGLE: ")" or "Tri harder."

THEYLLSEE: "Is seeing believing?"

DEER TEETH: "For you, kid!"

LIFE: "Life: 72% complete. Now loading: death."

DEATH: "Life's goth cousin."

PINES: "A good family tree."

OWL TROWEL: A slab of hieroglyphs, translating to an ancient ad for an owl trowel.

SCALENE: "Life form not found." EUCLID has the same outcome.

WELL WELL WELL BEING: Some assorted notes from Bill's Theraprism file. These include his greatest love and fear, his art therapy notes, and notes on his phobias. Three clicks is required to read them all.

BOO BERRY: Offers a poem on the meaning of life! Wow! I feel so enlightened!

LOVE YA BRO: Shows us a doodle from Stan of one of his and Ford's Sea Grunks adventures, and another code on the back. It translates to "Kings of New Jersey." I've been told it lets you download the code as a font.

SORRY: Reveals the repaired Backupsmore photo, with a note from Fiddleford about his and Ford's growing friendship. Fiddauthor fans, we are eating well tonight!

HORROR: Pulls up an image and report on The Always Garden, which is essentially a cheap Italian restaurant hidden in the backrooms.

HOLOGRAM: "Universe."

NAITSUAF: Pulls up a page that looks like it would be from the Book of Bill, in which Bill tries to convince us to sell us his soul. Clicking "ARE YOU READY?" pulls up a contract where we can sell our soul to Bill (with an alarming amount of coded fine print. Will need to translate later). You can print this document out, back out, or sign it right there on the web. Hitting "SIGN" causes the words "PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU!" to appear, and the document to close. In other words, I no longer have a soul.

IMSTILLONYOURMIND: Plays a recording of the ocean, with Stan faintly talking in the background. Poor Ford ain't quite over the divorce yet...

HOTXOLOTL: Pulls up a "MOST WANTED" doc on the henchmaniacs.

SEVENEYES: Pulls up a faded polaroid of The Oracle with text on the back that reads "LEAVE HIM. Escape to dimension *blurred out*. It's against the rules but it's the only reality where you'll be safe from him." The code at the bottom (once again decoded by the powerhouse that is @slimslamflimflam) reads "Set a course for Dimension: R34LITY." Is another Cipher Hunt in the makes? Only time will tell, hehehe.

JUST FIT IN: Plays an old commercial with a few moments of speech in the glitches at the end.

EVEN HIS LIES ARE LIES: Shows a transcript from a therapy session at the Theraprism. Bill discusses his relationship with Ford and cuts off the session when someone brings up his parents.

NOT A PHASE: Shows a Google search for "black hair dye stained an entire bathroom."

PAPER IS BOOK SKIN: Instantly downloads a page of fleshy pink paper with the word "ENJOY" written on it!

SHAVE YOUR GRANDMA: Pulls up a few more pages about the human life cycle.

LIES: Pulls up an image of "The Game of Lies" board game, with a long stretch of text from (I assume) Bill, ending with "LIE UNTIL YOU ARE NOT LYING ANYMORE." Someone has some issues...

SAY BAAAA: Pulls up a neat little rhyme about being Bill Cipher's obedient flock of sheep. The code at the end translates to "Black Sheep."

ONE EYED KING: Plays a video of a hypnotist's spiral, with Bill proclaiming "YOU WANT TO PLEDGE YOUR SOUL TO BILL CIPHER" in the background. There is also morse code that translates to "NAITSUAF", leading to a previous discovery- the soul contract.

TANTRUM: Pulls up a transcript of a spat between Bill and Time Baby.

TITANS BLOOD: "HOOT HOOT! Password please!"

CURSE WITTEBANE: Pulls up an image of a Bill Cipher ouija board.

FORDTRAMARINE: Pulls up several rejected files from Ford trying to convince us Fordtramarine exists.

SUCK IT MERLIN: Pulls up a tapestry of Bill riding a unicorn. The code at the top reads "DAY MARE VS NIGHTMARE."

HEY NERD: Plays a commercial advertising things such as a Bill Cipher calendar, the Scrubba-Bill, a severed hand, and the entire Cygnus-XIII galaxy. Half of the image can be found in the Book of Bill.

DESTRUCTION IS THE FORM OF CREATION: Pulls up a frantic page of notes from post-portal-shit Fiddleford. A sticky note at the bottom has a code that reads "Unreality."

RUBBERHOSE: Plays "The World is Small Ever After for All."

IRREGULAR: Shows us Bill's mugshot in color. The code below reads "No prison or attention span can hold him."

UNREALITY: Offers a guide by Bill on how to become immortal.

GUN: "Oh yes oh yes oh yes they both."

ABUELITA: Leads to a video on vacuuming the walls.

YES: "What's McGucket's favorite soda?"

NO: "Your loss..."

REPEATEDLY CLICKING STAN: This stuff deserves a section of its own, away from the OG Stan stuff. It takes you through several Ebay listings on various Stan-ish items until you get to a page written by Bill about Stan's secret shames. "Ex-wives" further confirms our theory on Stan and Eda's relationship, as well as revealing many other bits of lore. "Fears" is somewhat goofy to be honest. "Secret Shames" reveals that Stan is a fanfiction writer and that his mother is the only member of his family who truly loves him outside of Ford and the kids. "Unreported Crimes" is somewhat goofy as well. "Failed Products" basically confirms that Stan is that world's Alex. "Lowest Moments" is genuinely depressing, and "Darkest Thought". Well. I'm not spoiling it lol. And the bit on "How He Beat Me" causes Bill to get more and more frantic/angry the more you click it! Comedy GOLD!

DIPPY FRESH: Leads to a Reddit post of the Burger King Kids Club.

MEOW: Leads to a TikTok of a man playing the Gravity Falls theme on that cap keyboard.

HELP ME: Pulls up another video of Alex's axolotl and the tiny statue. Rip Bill ig :/

R34LITY: Pulls up several photos of the henchmaniacs in live-action, captioned "They found a new home."

JOURNAL 1: "The journal of fun."

JOURNAL 2: "The journal for you."

FBI: "Your webcam is on. We are watching."

BURNED INSIDE: Shows an image of a charred Oregon Parks badge and nametag on the ground.

HECTORING: Plays a silly little country song!

OROBOROUS: Pulls up two journal pages about Fiddleford buying Ford an axolotl to keep him company, and Bill subsequently telling Ford to get rid of him. There's also some code on the first page that reads "CHONKY BOY." Ford, you wonderful dork.

[shiplessoceans]

Just responding to this reblog from @n0nb1narydemon :

I'm sorry love, I would need about a thousand words to explain how badly I didn't want to get my hopes up when I first started watching this show about pirates back in March and the absolute brain explosion that happened to me when I realised that it was real.

I'm in my mid-thirties and have been a fandom shipper, writer, enthusiast since I was about 15 years old. I have been called a freak, pervert and told I'm not a real fan just for questioning if two same-sex characters in a show or movie could possibly have the potential for romance.

To have a show not only have real queer romance, but have it be the leads? The middle aged leads of the show? A show with found family and POC and NB representation and.... joy and genuine romance and heart and no one has to suffer for being who they are....and the cast and creators are so proud of it and intentional about it...

It feels unreal and wonderful and I hate that I still have to pinch myself but I do.

I'm used to articles and interviews with creators rubbishing any potential for that kind of storyline as 'impossible' and 'weird'.

So long story short, I'm not confused by the choice of the phrase 'Stede's Lover', rather I'm so overjoyed at the validation of it no matter how many times I'm told that it's real I just...cannot contain myself sometimes.

Guys there's a new Entertainment Weekly article and I'm dead.

STEDE'S LOVER???!!?!?!? The scream that came out of me.

Full article here:

[fear-is-truth]

JINGLE BELL ROCK — rodrick heffley

synopsis : you’re performing at the school’s annual holiday show, the only reason rodrick heffley bothered to show up in the first place. warnings : suggestive

THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM buzzed with holiday cheer, packed with parents, teachers, and students. rodrick heffley, though, was barely paying attention. the only reason he even showed up to this dumb musical was because he knew you’d be performing, and he figured it couldn’t be that bad if you were in it.

still, as rodrick slouched in his seat, he tried to hide how much he was looking forward to it. beside him, his little brother was fiddling with the family’s camcorder.

“gotta get this all on tape,” greg muttered, adjusting the settings.

“yeah, sure,” rodrick scoffed, rolling his eyes. he knew his loser brother had a huge crush on you, though you were way out of greg’s league. not that rodrick was any better—he was down bad too, if not more.

the lights dimmed, and the crowd hushed. music started—a jazzy rendition of “jingle bell rock”—and you stepped into the spotlight. rodrick straightened so fast he almost gave himself whiplash. among a group of girls, there you were, rocking a santa-themed outfit—a short red skirt with fluffy white trim, a cropped top, black knee-high boots, and a tilted santa hat that somehow made you look even sexier.

“whoa…” before greg could settle on his angle, rodrick snatched the camcorder out of his hands. “hey!” greg whisper-yelled, grabbing at it, but rodrick just held it higher, leaning away.

“rodrick, give it back!”

“just shut up,” rodrick hissed, eyes glued to the tiny screen as he focused on you. “i’ve got the better shot, anyway.”

his brother glared, finally giving up and crossing his arms, mumbling, “jerk.” under his breath.

before rodrick could sock the little dweeb, mr. heffley leaned forward, giving them both a stern look. “boys,” he warned, and they exchanged a quick, scathing look before slumping back in silence.

you began with a sassy strut, each step punctuated by the sharp tap of your heels against the stage. the short skirt flared as you twirled, flashing the audience with your lacy black panties before settling into a hip sway. a few parents and teachers exchanged uneasy glances, clearly disapproving of the provocative choreography, but the boys didn’t seem to mind; rodrick’s face was flushed as he leaned forward, white-knuckling the camcorder, while next to him, greg watched with the same awestruck expression.

as the routine continued, you moved into a coordinated dance with the other girls, adding in a series of hip rolls and dips that only amplified the sultry vibe. midway through, you turned, gave the crowd a wink, and broke into a slow, very deliberate twerk, grinning at the audible gasps rippling through the audience. rodrick’s jaw nearly hit the floor, and greg mumbled a quiet “how is this even allowed,” though he as hell wasn’t complaining.

with a smirk, you leaned forward and did a quick, playful shimmy that brought scattered gasps and a few horrified “oh my gods” from the more conservative audience members. meanwhile, rodrick’s grip on the camcorder shook slightly as he adjusted the zoom to capture your boobs, before switching to your ass. all the while the crotch of his jeans was growing increasingly tight as he squirmed in his seat. god, this was straight up jerk-off material.

as you blew a kiss at the audience, but to rodrick, it almost felt like you were looking directly into the lenses, at him. the routine ended with your final pose under the spotlight, and the crowd burst into applause. greg nudged him with his elbow.

“give it back, rodrick.”

rodrick didn’t even look at him, his gaze still glued to the camcorder screen.

“yeah, right… nope.”

before greg could argue, rodrick abruptly stood up, forcing his way out of the row of seats, ignoring the annoyed looks from people he brushed past. he was already making a beeline for the bathroom, gripping the camcorder tightly as he moved.

 fear-is-truth

[jazzysimlife]

AAAAAAAA

@ sims 3 followers how big is your mods folder outside like game mods and store content because no matter what I do I can’t keep my cc below 28gb. Is that too much cc for the game to handle????

[mqonlighting]

hear me out: civilian deadpool au except he just keeps getting arrested for the STRANGEST THINGS (illegal ownership of a chicken? someone just dumped an egg on his street? it hatches when he’s trying to cook it for breakfast? he RAISED IT?) and matt murdock is his exhausted lawyer who has to keep telling him to shut up in the interrogation room.

does he ever actually go to jail? no, maybe probation, maybe a fine. but arrested? half sure every cop in the city is just sick of hearing about his life. every juror thinks he’s just morbidly unlucky and a tiny bit moronic.

and he is.

detective: (sigh) so you have a chicken?

wade: oh, yeah, yolko ono! she’s my pride and joy, i had a mug and a mousepad printed- *pulling out wallet pictures*

matt: wade. no.

wade: i could bring her over if you want-

matt: WADE.

one time matt has to spring wade for grand theft auto of the nice old lady he lives next doors to. the automobile he supposedly stole? a select elevated motorized wheelchair.

wade: she LENT me the chair.

detective: and how’d she do that?

wade: i broke into her backyard because i heard a thump and i thought she fell over.

matt: jesus—

wade: so she didn’t fall over. apparently it was a twig that fell on an ice chest. but she was there, and she was yelling ‘jazzy! jazzy!’ and i was wondering why she was telling me to grab her jazzy, but i wasn’t about to turn down a free jazzy. so i walk over to it, i turn it on, i hop on, i say thank you to the kind old lady, and i wheel it out of there.

matt: goddamn it, wade—

detective: you stole a permobil.

wade: pardon?

detective: the wheelchair was a permobil.

wade: she said it was a jazzy!

detective: …

detective: jazzy is her HUSBAND.

wade: …

detective: …

matt: i give up.

and the nail in everyone’s coffin? when the precinct brings in wade’s fucking kidnap victim.

peter: kidnap? me?

detective: were you or were you not kidnapped by wade wilson and driven to the middle of nowhere?

peter: listen, man, farthest wade ever drove me was to a gamestop in manhattan from queens. i don’t drive. and then i ask if we can hit a seven eleven, since i really wanted a bag of chips. but then i fall asleep in the passenger seat on the way there. and when i wake up, i’m home - he didn’t buy me the bag of chips, though.

detective: … and when state troopers spotted his car in philadelphia? with someone passed out inside?

peter: we were in philly? and he didn’t wake me up?

detective: do you seriously mean to tell me you were completely passed out for a two hour and ten minute drive?

peter: i’m a college student with rent due in a month and a new paper due every time i breathe. and wade is an idiot who doesn’t know left from right, boots up waze, says his goodbyes to the universe, and starts driving. i think there’s your case.

detective: …

detective: damn it.

[hoefordasmut]

Jasper hale smut

Fem reader x jasper hale

This is my first smutty post on tumbler

notes / warning : tummy bulge , sub reader , Dom jasper , make sure you wrap it before you tap it , jasper does not like to pull out , and that's kind of it!

Deep groans tickled your ear as Jasper thrusted deeply into your core, a thin sheet of sweat coated your forehead has you panted , eyes screwed shut in bliss.

"open your eyes darlin " Jasper's deep husky voice spoke from above you, your eyes opened as you placed your hand in his hair pulling him impossibly close. You wrapped your legs around his toned waist , pushing him deeper.

you mewled as he started to rub soft on your now puffy clit , begging for attention. "jazz" you groaned your hands pulling away from his hair electing a deep moan from him , your hands now roaming over his arms and chest, trailing over his scars.

"that's it, such a good girl for me." jasper smirked seeing you in this predicament, eyes blown with lust and teary eyed as you stared up at him , your breasts bouncing up and down with each of his harsh thrusts. Your tight cunt sucking him like a vice , all warm and wet for him, so inviting.

" please jazz I'm gonna cum!' You squealed your back arching , you're lips puckering pleading for a kiss. How could jasper deny you? his lips met your with desperation , jasper bit your lip drawing a speck of blood forming at your bottom lip, jasper eyed with with desire , slowly and trailed his tongue over to small speck of blood , groaning at the Taste of you.

"sugar, can you feel me right here " jasper placed a taunting hand on the bottom of your tummy pushing down slightly , as jasper thrusted into you a bulge formed , no wonder he felt so deep.

"Yes right there jazz " You whined the coil tightening in your tummy , jasper placed your legs over his shoulders , his thrusts now twice as deep and faster , chasing his own orgasm as well.

"fuck honey I'm gonna cum " jasper whined , suckling at your breasts, "cum in me please jasper " you cried with desperation your vision going white as you came, your release felt sweet and a wave of calm hit you, your cunt felt sensitive as jasper still thrusted into you making you moan out.

"Fuck Honey " Jasper stuttered as he came , thick hot ropes of cum into your now sensitive cunt , you twitched as he leaned forward to place a soft kiss to your puffy lips , whining as he accidentally pushed deeper in you.

"you okay darlin?" he mumbled into your neck as he placed soft kisses , "I'm okay jazzy" you mumbled sleepily , your body finally relaxing into the soft bed.

"I gotta clean you up now baby , don't fall asleep yet" jasper pulled away , pulling his cock out and tucking back away into his sweatpants , you whined as you felt his cum dribble out of your fucked out Hole. Jasper's eyes darkened as he took in the sight. Your legs shaky and legs still spread wide showing your cunt in all its glory.

Pink and puffy and very sensitive , clenching around nothing as his cum dribbled out , he watched has your cunt twitched as a glob of his cum trickled down your cunt and onto the bed.

lord how he wanted to fuck you again.

[deadghosy]

Silly crack one shot alastor x stoner male/gn reader

CRACKED OUT

Prompt: Alastor having a stoner boyfriend

Alastor was walking to his room for cane. He hummed a jazzy tune. He was wondering where you have been all day since he hasn’t seen you. He wasn’t concerned, oh no. Cause most sinners in the pentagram know that you are alastor’s significant other.

Alastor reached his door to smell…..weeed? The ZAZAAAA🔥 he covers his nose with his deer ears flat back as he scoffed with a strained smile. He told you not to smoke in his room…but he guessed you had forgotten as he opens the door to see you giggle with glossy eyes.

“Dear?” You kept giggling as Alastor eyes you suspiciously. You turn your head to face him as you look up like a mindless child.

“Are you high?” You just stare at Alastor as he asked you that

“Heyyyy….” You said as you give him a derpy smile. Mostly wobbly at most but you just smiled with a peace sign. Alastor sighs with a soft glare as he opens a window letting out the strong stench in the air. You shiver with a pout.

“Heyyyy…dude…turn the heater on or something..” you said as Alastor ignored you not listening. You pouted more and start to whine about being cold for 5 minutes until Alastor slammed the window shut after the air was gone.

You jolted holding your ear, “babe don’t yelll…” you turned over in your bed as Alastor sighs looking around his room for his trusty cane.

“I’m not yelling my sweet doe..” Alastor said as he puts in a nice air fresher to smell better in here. “And if you are ever hungry..here.” He said

He used his magic to teleport your favorite snack incase you get munchies later.

You squirm as you were stimming happy yo see your favorite snack as you smiled

Alastor couldn’t help but use his magic to tuck you in bed as your eyes were looking heavy.

You snuggle into the covers giggling but then it calmed down a little as Alastor dusted off his coat

“……I think I’m cracked out babe….” You said lastly as you giggled with glossy eyes as you closed them. Alastor just sighs grabbing his cane and leaving.

[woosansang]

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