#(saw a creepy figure)
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I hate when people try to make elmo creepy or edgy...he's only 3...and he loves his goldfish :[ his crayon too!!
#jane journals#silly#not self ship#elmo sesame street#its like when ppl dont like seeing garfield turned into an eldritch beast#HES JUST A HAPPY FAT KITTY 😭😭 PLEASE STOP IT#anyways im doing my nightly bed scroll on tiktok and i saw like a creepy elmo clay figure thing#also ill go to bed soon to make sportacus happy 🥺🥺#i know he wouldnt want me staying up too late
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moldy man 🍄
#i saw this creature & figured it'd make for a good warm-up!#resident evil#re7 biohazard#re7#resident evil 7#molded#art#artists on tumblr#my art#procreate#body horror#(<- just to be safe)#i gotta get better at anatomy so i can draw more creepy guys 💪#fanart
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The lil 14 year old trans boy at my work said I was his favourite
#noop nooping#KIDS R SO FUNNY like u listen to them and then theyre like im gonna follow u around#IM UR MOM NOW. UR FATHER AND I ARE DIVORCED NEITHER OF US HAVE CUSTODY#HES SUCH A NICE KID#im giggling bc he and quinn had a connection when the kid first started but now in like 🤭 teehee my kid now#AND ITS EVEN FUNNIER bc quinn was like 'he reminds me so much of myself when i was his age. hes my son now'#BUT NOW IM THE PARENT. we're divorced. ITS FUNNY#i stole your kid and you stole my bestie. im influencing the queer youth of this conservative town im succeeding#when i first met him he came in on a day he didnt work and one of the reasons he was there was to meet me bc quinn told him about me 🥺#his parents are supportive so im rlly glad he has that#IM WORRIED ABOUT COMING OFF AS CREEPY TALKING ABOUT THIS but its just a nice feeling being a positive figure in some1's life#at my work its like microdosing helping ppl bc its retail. and the kid is there on saturdays. this is why i went to college jrmqmxjwkdgwh#i think the kind of social work i would enjoy most is peer support. if i ever want to re-enter the field#oh yea i think i saw my old supervisor today 😑 YUCKY
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just drawing a pretty ballerina and playing with layer styles 🩰
#digital art#illustration#surreal art#creepy art#art study#ballet#balletcore#figure drawing#grunge#weird art#dance#black swan#ballet aesthetic#fun fact the tattoo is one i saw in a random photo in a thrift store
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One could argue that my obsession with specifically the bloodier sections of Hannibal, the scenes that show humans in excruciating pain, as well as my obsession with Red Dragon’s depiction of Will’s imagination, painful and attractive in the most disgusting way, both paved the way for my becoming obsessed with such properties as Claustrophilia (a novel that honestly reads like Hannibal got his hands on season 1 Will, I’m dead serious, they even mention Silence of the Lambs, like, author knows) and Saw (a property thay pretty much deals exclusively in human suffering)
It could also explain my fascination with the idea inherent within all these properties, that being the idea that a human who is put through immense suffering might then decide to put other humans through the same or worse. Hannibal put a lot of emphasis on Hannibal himself specifically wanting Will to kill with him, to reveal his inner self, so to speak. Red Dragon Will fears killing people immensely for fear that he would be seduced by the bloodlust curdling inside of him. Claustrophilia, I don’t want to spoil if anyone wants to read it, but it shares that same idea. The only character in Saw who survives a Jigsaw trap without either joining a depressing group therapy session or becoming one of Jigsaw’s many (many) protegés is the lady who cut off her arm in, like, movie 6.
It could also explain why I like the idea of obsessive characters. Characters who are obsessed to the point of murder, characters with the internal motivation that if they cannot have something, no one can. The so-called “yandere” character who would rather kill their love than not have them locked in a box in the basement.
(Does Saw fit this frame? I don’t know, man, that one guy’s “trap” was just talking. All he had to do was sit calmly and have a semi-nice chat with another dude. Who sets that trap up without at least a little hint of obsession? And the glass coffin scene, man, I do not even have to go there, we all know. And carrying around the only remaining body part? Even for planting evidence, like, dude. Dude.)
(Does Red Dragon fit this? Yes. Hannibal literally stabbed Will so Will would be permanently physically changed by him. He gives the Dragon of the title Will’s address in hopes that something will happen that will once again change Will’s entire life so he can never forget about Hannibal. The first time Hannibal talks to Clarice in Silence of the Lambs, he asks about Will and, more specifically, Will’s looks. Red Dragon fits this, I cannot emphasize enough how many murderers want to break Will’s back in any way they can, like, it’s practically an epidemic (it’s two people))
What is it that fascinates me so? The blood? The fuel of all life? The changing a person so fundamentally that they can’t move without thinking of the one who changed them? The holding on too tight? The tragedy? The absolutely hilarious AUs that can be written? Yes.
#the inane ramblings of a madman#hannibal#claustrophilia#red dragon#saw movies#thinking thinking thinking#we all know who i’m talking about#i don’t want to spam the character or ship tags#this is also why i like tim drake#he is so obsessed with batman#just change the music a bit#slow down the pace#and you’ll see how unnerving it can be#i love them#like just#characterization to the extreme#if you want to write a good obsessive character#the first step is figuring out why they’re obsessed#the why is so important#merely being obsessed because of looks can work for the beginning#but that can’t last#there has to be something in the target#something that the obsessor can relate to#something they feel they can bond with#something that makes the obsessed over tempted to fall for that same obsession#fucking love it man#love when characters are weird and creepy#long post#personal
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started omori, played for 20 minutes, restarted the game and played through the whole beginning again because i accidentally forgot to check the beach area and couldn't go back
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postgrad preptober
#NO CAUSE LIKE THEYRE NEVER JUST DOING IT IN EITHER THEIR BEDROOMS#i need to figure out their deal they were too nice in the 2022 WS draft too quickly#but i actually dont want it to be like. this deep and intense and complex hatred#i dont like enemies to lovers with unforgivable histories if like. that history involves actual abuse or power dynamics#i dont want the other to have done something wholly unforgivable i just want them to not like each other LOL#push their buttons etc#anyway and they keep getting annoyed with each other but they also have some weird friends with benefits thing going on#sometimes BECAUSE the other is annoying and baiting them so much!#current top 3 beaulix gay sex locations include the abandoned greenhouse (truly an impulse move like GET BACK TO WORK)#the toppled over train carriage so the side window actually functions as a skylight (cool but uncomfortable)#and the creepy remains of a diner (10/10 they saw those vinyl booths and knew what they had to do)
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flashbacking to my fifth grade teacher who my parents loved but i had to listen to in social studies class saying that queer people were asking for "a bit much" and "unnecessary" things while protesting. we were talking about basic human rights and he waved all of my arguments away.
#listen man I don't give a fuck how good of a teacher you are with other subjects or how young your students were#I hadn't even figured myself out then and it hurt to see a fully grown man stand there and tell me human rights were too much for queers#he was also creepy and sexist as hell now that I think of it and I hate that not a single adult saw that
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They’re so bad for the environment and so pointless but sports cars still so sexy alas
#if u show me a Lamborghini I do just revert back to being 10 yr old 😔#Bugatti veyron my horrendous beloved#I love the vroom vroom go fast#saw a beautiful lil beast after class a couple weeks ago and fully nearly walked into a light post trying to figure out what it was#wish I had taken a photo but it felt creepy#personal#I am very 👀👀👀 about the electric stingray#but electric does not the vroom vroom make 😔
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I know I’m down pretty bad because these guys are starting to appear in my dreams
#stray kids#they were filming something based off gods menu#and after the initial filming and games#because Felix won he was allowed to explore the filming set#which was this old creepy mansion somewhere#surrounded by a forest area#it had a green house#suddenly i was an actual character in my dream instead of watching#and I was exploring the place with him#sunshine incarnate over there had a good time#‘I’ did n o t#I saw non-human figures in mirrors#and was thrown around#generally being haunted by the spirit of a girl who died in the vent system of the place#dreams
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Ok so they play “Record Player” at my work and I love it so much that I never interrupt it with the mic. I just listened to it with headphones on for the first time and HOLY SHIT I feel like my soul is on the brink of leaving my body. Some astral projection shit right there
#I hate how all the YT comments are like”omg cottagecore” or “it makes me feel like I’m picking berries in a field” which is valid but like#Are you even listening to the words at all#you are exactly the phenomena that is being described in the song#(and beautifully described might I add)#And yes I’ve astral projected before (accidentally)#Not sure if it’s spirituality or symptom#But regardless it did not feel like a dream; everything I saw was at the right time of night and I vividly remember#floating back into my body after it was over#The last time was creepy as hell because I was walking on the street by the neighbor’s house#and some dark figure came rushing at me from behind#fortunately I saw the thing and lifted off the ground in time to shoot back into my body#But I woke up to the reflected image of my masked ASMR persona staring directly at me seared into my eyeballs for a whole minute afterward#That was fun /s#I was shaken for a week after#I can never do it on purpose though hmph#maybe if I can get my hands on a specific type of fungus……………#not now#maybe when I’m twenty-five
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I put a story in the tags but wanted to add this afterwards. It's kind of a summary/breakdown.
19: "Dated" (mostly made out with) a coworker for a couple of weeks, realized I felt nothing special about it. (Story in tags).
20: Realized I definitely did not feel the same way as most people did about the idea of sex. Realized people *weren't* exaggerating when they talked about it.
20-22: At some point in here I learned about asexuality and realized I was ace.
22, maybe 23: A coworker (different job) and I told each other we were ace. She expressed frustration at the difficulty finding someone to date that wasn't put off by it, then asked me if I felt the same way. I suddenly realized I hadn't tried to be in or even actively sought out a relationship since I had a crush on a kid when I was 15. I realized all my thoughts about being ace and being in a relationship were only ever hypothetical relationships and I couldn't actually picture my real life actual self wanting romance. I responded with a half-thought "oh, I guess I just don't really care" but it was on my mind for months.
24: Got myself my first ace ring!
I don't know exactly when I started really learning about aromanticism. It was probably when I was about 25-27? (I think that's what I said in the tags too).
I went through the many stages, like
"I can't be aro, I've had crushes on people"
"I don't know if the things I called 'crushes' were even romantic attraction"
"what IS romantic attraction anyway?"
"I don't think I'm actually aro, I can easily picture myself in a romantic relationship"
"I cannot picture my actual self in a romantic relationship, the 'me' I picture is a fictional construct"
"I think I might have a crush on my friend, that's unexpected"
"oh never mind they did one minor thing that changed my view of them slightly and I've lost interest"
"ok I'm definitely grey-aro, that's what fits best, I'm definitely not 'full' aromantic"
"did I ever actually have a crush (romantic attraction) to anyone or did I just want interesting/pretty people to notice me?"
And eventually "I don't know if what I experience occasionally is romantic attraction or not, I think 'grey-aro' is probably the closest descriptor, but I really identify most with the general 'aromantic' and 'aroace' labels, so that's what I'm going with."
*note: i know not all aro people are ace and vice versa, but the experiences tend to be similar so ive lumped em together (and im aroace)
pls throw your awkward ace experiences in the tags i love them
#i chose “it suddenly just came to u”#but that's just for the asexual part really#when i was about 20 i started to realize i really wasn't experiencing things the same way as other people#it wasn't long until i discovered asexuality and what it meant#it took longer to figure out i was aromantic#heard about it probably from ace blogs on tumblr#and it took me a while to work out exactly what applied to me#i'm grey-aro (though now i just identify as aromantic) so i had to figure out what the past crushes i'd had meant#if they actually were romantic attraction or not#and what even IS romantic attraction#i was probably 26 or 27 when i came to a conclusion#oh awkward experience: when i was working at mcd's and around 19 there was a coworker who i apparently had chemistry with#i liked him (as a person) and made an effort to use my high school level spanish (he spoke mostly spanish)#i guess he and everyone else we worked with took that as flirting#i was clueless that he had any interest in me that way until one day he kissed me ?!#(not in a creepy or assaulty way) there was like 30 mins of talking and hand holding etc before it#so we “dated” for a couple weeks but we only actually saw each other at work or on the way home from work ...#we both worked late nights/overnights and had no energy or time outside of work#he was really into the romantic stuff and the kissing and such but i realized i felt nothing special from any of it#i ended up ending it bc he started to get more “physical” while at work and i was like “i am not okay with snogging a coworker on the clock
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#photos#photography#haunted overload#halloween#halloween decorations#figure#red#dark#night#nighttime#spooky#creepy#scary#saw#blurry#blur#prop#Halloween prop#fake body#black
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There should be more horror movies set in and around wind mills
#Southern Gothic#i guess#seriously tho you come across a field of those in rural Texas in the middle of the night it's creepy as all hell#they've got these glowing red lights so planes don't crash into them or whatever#i genuinely could not figure out what i was looking at the first time i saw it#windmills#Texas#Hill country
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Part 1 This is part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
With the train ride now over, the sergeants ran, scouring the market for two familiar faces. Their footsteps in sync, crunching delicate mounds of white snow. Soap broke through the crowd first, then Gaz and Gary were right with him.
“Where the hell are they?” Gaz pants out, his breaths misting in the cold air.
“You said the marketplace,” Soap huffs.
“Yeah, I said the marketplace, but it's not like I know exactly where they went!” Gaz snaps back.
While the two sergeants bicker, Roach quietly breaks away, scanning the area until he spots the familiar figures they’d been hunting for. Price and Ghost stand outside a cigar shop, deep in conversation. The satisfied grin on Price's face tells Roach everything—he got what he was after.
“They’re over there!” Roach exclaims, snapping his partners out of their lovers' quarrel.
Gaz and Soap go silent, their eyes following Roach’s line of sight until they, too, spot their Lieutenant and Captain.
In a heartbeat, the three of them are sprinting toward their unsuspecting targets. Soap grins like a madman, practically buzzing with mischief, while Gaz shakes his head, both amused and slightly wary of what might unfold. Roach, meanwhile, is simply thrilled to be along for the ride.
They skid to a stop right in front of the two men, chests heaving as they catch their breath in the biting winter air.
“The hell is wrong with you lot?” Price’s voice cuts through, laced with a mix of annoyance and bemusement as he shifts his attention from Ghost to the winded sergeants.
Ghost, arms crossed, eyes them with quiet scrutiny. His winter coat does little to conceal his bulky frame, a silent reminder of his imposing presence as he stands beside Price.
Price and Ghost waited for an explanation, knowing well everytime those three got together, they were definitely up to no good.
Like how they put semi-permanent green dye in Ghost's shampoo for Halloween.
“We… we saw. A kid with your face,” Gaz manages, still catching his breath, pointing straight at Ghost.
Ghost raises a brow, baffled. A kid with his face? What the hell did that mean? Did they think he looked like a baby?
Soap huffs in mock disappointment, shooting a playful glare at Gaz. “Oi, I wanted to say it!”
Predictably, the two dive into another back-and-forth. Gaz isn’t one to shout, but Soap has a talent for riling anyone up.
Price lets their little show go on for only a moment before his stern voice cuts in, slicing through their bickering. “One of you properly explain, or you'll be walking back to base.”
Roach steps up, eager to clarify. “There’s a kid, probably about two, and she looks exactly like the Lt. Scowl, glare, and all!”
Price and Ghost pause, their expressions twisting as they both try—and fail—to imagine a little girl with Simon’s permanent scowl.
Price shudders, shaking the thought from his head. “That is not a face a kid should have.”
“That’s exactly what I said,” Gaz chimes in, nodding emphatically.
Ghost throws him an offended look, his usually hardened eyes showing a glimmer of hurt. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing!” they all exclaim in unison, even Price, who quickly averts his gaze as Ghost’s glare narrows on him.
Ghost huffs, then crosses his arms. “Did you take a picture?”
Soap snorts, leaning against the wall with a smirk. “Aye, right, 'cause that wouldnae be creepy at all.”
Ghost stares daggers Into Soap, rolling his eyes and pushing himself off the wall. “Okay, then where is she?”
The three stooges lead the charge once again, this time with their Captain and Lieutenant in tow. They weave through the crowd toward the train park, where Soap eagerly scans for the woman and kid he’d spotted earlier. But the line they were in is empty, the pair nowhere to be found.
“Shite. I think they’re gone,” Soap mutters, his Scottish accent thickening in his frustration, the words rolling out with a clipped bite.
“So the imaginary woman and kid don’t actually exist,” Ghost deadpans, unimpressed.
“They exist!” Gaz insists, voice edging on exasperation.
“Sure,” Ghost replies, his tone flat and thoroughly unconvinced.
Roach snickers, then glances over at Price—only to see him staring slack-jawed through the window of a nearby café, his cigar dangling from his mouth, forgotten.
“Cap?” Roach says, touching the older man’s shoulder.
Price doesn’t look away, nodding toward the café. “Found them.”
Everyone turns toward the café, eyes landing on you and Adira. The little girl is happily weaving between your legs, her tiny hands gripping your coat as she entertains herself, all while you order hot chocolates to fend off the winter chill. A soft smile touches your lips as you watch her play, blissfully unaware of the audience gathering just outside.
The barista, with a warm smile, hands over two cups, one with a little extra marshmallows for Adira, her voice bright as she wishes you both a merry Christmas. You take the cups with a grateful nod, handing one to Adira. She immediately takes her drink, sipping eagerly, her small feet bouncing on her heels from the sugar rush.
“Yummy?” You ask, glancing down at her with a soft smile, a wave of motherly pride swelling in your chest as you watch her delight in the simple joy of her drink.
Adira nods eagerly, her eyes lighting up as she pulls away from her straw with a satisfied sigh. “Yummy.”
With a soft chuckle, you both leave the warmth of the shop, stepping out into the crisp air. Hand in hand, you walk back toward the park, the world around you feeling peaceful despite the cold. As you reach the crosswalk, you stop, waiting for the light to turn. Adira looks up at you, her little face filled with contentment as she swings your joined hands back and forth, her sugary energy still buzzing.
Across the way, the team stood frozen, unable to look away from the scene unfolding before them. Everyone but Ghost was struck by how much Adira looked like him—her features unmistakably mirroring his, save for the color of her hair and skin. The resemblance was uncanny, and for a brief moment, it felt like the world had stopped around them.
“She looks nothing like me,” Ghost stated plainly, his voice cutting through the stillness as though it were fact. His expression was unmoving, a wall of stubbornness in his eyes. He was ready to die on that hill.
Then, as fate would have it, a woman walking her dog passed by, and Adira’s cherub-like face hardened into a cold, calculating stare. It was subtle, but unmistakable.
“Nevermind,” Ghost muttered, his earlier conviction faltering as he watched her shift before his eyes.
“So… you’ve been having fun these past years?” Roach asked, his gaze flicking between Adira and Ghost, curiosity getting the better of him.
“Not that I know of,” Ghost grunted, his eyes still locked on you and Adira, a mix of unease and something else flickering across his face. He couldn’t pull himself away.
“Let’s get closer,” Price commanded, already making his move. Soap and Roach exchanged a shrug, falling in line without hesitation.
“Excuse me?” Gaz sputtered, though his body had already begun moving before his brain could catch up, unable to defy the Captain’s order.
Ghost fell silent, teeth gritted. This wasn’t a situation he was used to, especially not one where he was forced to go in blind. He stood stiffly at the crosswalk, trying to hide his glances, his focus split between the team and you.
Soap ended up the closest, standing just next to Adira. The little girl paused, her big, doe-like eyes lifting from her drink to catch sight of him. The recognition was instant. Her lips pursed into a small line, and her gaze grew heavy with annoyance.
“Ugee…” she whispered, scooting closer to you.
Soap froze, his mind stuttering for a moment. Did she just—? Did she call me ugly?
Gaz, standing behind him, couldn’t contain himself. A muffled laugh broke through as Soap turned to look at the others, wide-eyed and speechless, completely taken aback.
“Do ye lot think I'm ugly?” Soap asked, his voice thick with disbelief, clearly thrown off by the little girl's words.
“Not the time, Mctavish,” Price said, a tiny laugh tugging at the corner of his lips despite the situation.
The streetlight flickered green, signaling it was time to move. You adjusted yourself, ready to cross the street. Each member of the team started mentally preparing, unsure of how—or even if—they should approach you. Ghost, however, was the first to make a move, determined to intercept you. But Soap, ever the opportunist, beat him to it.
Ghost wasn’t exactly subtle, and having him try anything would probably send you running in the opposite direction.
“Excuse me, aren’t you the lady from the train?” Soap called out, his voice light, though his intentions were clear.
You paused at his interruption, recognition flickering in your eyes. You remembered the man who bumped into you earlier. “Yes? Is something the matter?”
“Do you happen to know where I could find Leslies?” Soap asked, a hint of uncertainty creeping into his voice, though he tried to mask it.
“The pub?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes,” Soap confirmed, his face lighting up with a mix of relief and surprise at your easy response.
You look around for a moment, trying to remember and see the street names of your current location. “Uh…it should be about a couple blocks south from here. They have a big sign, you can't miss it.”
Thank God for Soap, because that one question was all he needed to keep you trapped in a conversation, his charm working its magic as you giggled and chatted away easily, the awkwardness of the situation melting away.
Meanwhile, Ghost’s attention shifted to Adira. He looked down at her, and she, almost instinctively, looked up at him. Their eyes locked in a silent staring contest, each of them studying the other. The intensity in their gaze was undeniable, both sets of eyes reflecting the same quiet, unwavering strength. It was like looking in a mirror—a mirror that mirrored back his own hardened stare and no-nonsense attitude.
Adira was, quite literally, his mini me. The resemblance was impossible to ignore.
“How old are you?” Ghost asked bluntly, his voice low as he kneeled down to Adira’s height, his gaze intense but trying to soften.
Adira paused for a moment, glancing up at you for help, but you were still caught up in conversation with Soap. She turned her focus back to Ghost, her small fingers fidgeting with the hem of her coat as she murmured shyly, “Two…”
She was two. Two. Ghost’s mind raced, trying to piece together the details, but nothing clicked. Nearly three years ago… what had he done three years ago? He kept everything categorized, stored in his mind like a well-organized file system, but this was something that didn’t fit.
Then, Soap’s voice broke through his thoughts.
“You don’t seem like the type of lass to frequent Leslies.”
You giggled, a soft blush creeping up your cheeks at Soap’s question. He wasn’t wrong… at least, not entirely. “I’ve only been to Leslie’s once, and, well… it’s how I ended up with my little blessing.” You glanced down at Adira, the warmth of your smile radiating as you spoke.
Everything shattered in that moment. Ghost’s stomach twisted painfully, his heart skipping a beat as the realization slammed into him like a freight train. Leslie's. Almost three years ago, during that stupid holiday.
His mind began to piece it together, the hazy memories from that night slowly coming into focus. He remembered the bar, the laughter, the way you had caught his attention. You were easy on the eyes, easy to make laugh, and most importantly—unlike everyone else. You didn’t ask questions, didn’t pry, you just let him lead, let him slip into the night with no strings attached.
But now, as he looked at Adira, everything fell into place. The way she stared at him, those familiar eyes, the resemblance he couldn’t ignore. His breath hitched, and the weight of the truth crushed him—she was his daughter.
A knot formed in his throat as he tried to process the fact. Adira. His daughter. The little girl standing before him was his flesh and blood, the result of a moment he'd long since buried in the depths of his mind.
---
Taglist: @auradaniela98-blog-blog @cumsluut @unstqblecvrses @moraxnomora @serafina-nyx @sage-burrow @skylarmitchell @xx-wal1flower-xx @n-y-x04 @gluttonybiscuits @imahugenerdlol @wehrgabriel @blackhawkfanatic @tazuduck @soxocs @jingyuansspouse @cutiecusp @sleepyoriana @forgottensomewhere @puppylikethedog @spongelistener @caged-birdies-blog @bubblegirll26 @misscaller06 @fuckbananas03 @watu2ka @yukisdelusional @redroserabbit
#simon ghost riley#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley#ghost x you#simon ghost riley x you#simon ghost x reader#simon riley x reader#Singlemom!Reader#sunshine-sunni
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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