#(peter would too but he hates living with loads of people/full houses cause of how he grew up)

[enbysiriusblack]

personally i think sirius should live with james, lily and hari.

[chbslove]

i am steter trash so i wrote an au where stiles is a spark that lives in the forest because he killed his dad in an accident back when he was a kid and couldn't control his magic and his moms family was just made up of mages and he is the first one to actually be a born spark with loads of power so she raises him and teaches him everything she knows

and in this au sparks are being hunted and put down like animals so claudia builds a house in the forest with stiles where he can live and study magic on the land of their family and after she dies stiles moves there.

(and yes hes a lot older in this because it makes me antsy to write about eighteen year old stiles and adult peter. sorry. I'm a pussy okay.)

and stiles meets his gang! and scott is a dryad, lydia is a mermaid, jackson and danny are mermen (and jackson and danny are together by the way), i planned allison as a regular human that meets scott on a walk in the woods and falls in love with him later in the story because the hale fire storyline is still happening, and kira is an ancient kitsune who also lives in the forest and is good friends with stiles, and erica, boyd, isaac, liam, theo etc are not there yet but thats cause stiles is pretty alone.

he just minds his own business and takes care of the dryads and meets fairies (who live in the forest) and makes a deal with them that they'll stop screwing around with humans and stay in the forest and he'll protect them and take care of them because sparks are powerful and the fairies appreciate that instead of being afraid of him.

and stiles just does his thing for a couple of years until the fairies go a little bit too far and peter hale, who is stupidly a little too far in the forest on his patrol, gets caught in a storm they cause and gets lost in the woods, and he finds stiles' house and stiles takes him in and gives him dry clothes and then guards him back so peter won't get himself fairy'ed

and then a week passes and stiles is kind of anxious peters family will tell him to fuck off the woods (even though it's stiles' heritage to take care of the forest, the hales just live there) and then: the actual plot

a little apple dryad tells him scott found a dying fairy. this fairy apparently told scott in her dying breath something wolfish killed her, and stiles wrongly thinks peter and his family did that, and he goes to find scott to ask him about it, but scott is just gone. stiles can't find him and gets worried and checks his wards, and when he gets to the wards around the hale property, he meets laura. he asks her if she's seen scott, and she saw him going back into the forest, but stiles still can't find him.

laura leaves and stiles finds the ward to their territory broken, and it stinks like druid, so he figures it was this deaton guy because werewolves aren't sneaky like that.

stiles visits lydia (because he still can't find scott and lydia knows how to calm him down) and finds out jackson and danny saw a monster while making out under the surface of their lake and from then stiles knows that the hales have got nothing to do with this because what lydia describes Is Not a werewolf.

so he gets pissy, and then ultimately is enraged when he finds a dead stag this monster killed, and because he's pissy he visits the hales to tell talia he's rightfully going to kill their emissary for being a bitch and breaking his wards and letting some monster walk his territory.

and talia is all "what the fuck how do i not know you." and stiles is all internally "i see my darling peter kept his promises" and then he's internally like "wait fuck i'm not really in love with this guy am i" and then he's like "oh. OH."

and talia convinces him not to kill deaton because shes awesome and stiles grumpily agrees because... not agreeing would be a dick move and it would mean. War. Basically.

so the hales offer their help looking for scott and stiles finds this monster thing on his search and its a wendigo yay, and scott has been following this thing around for days now because he's a dumbass and wanted to help, and they bro out

and the hales and stiles kill this thing, which means magic action. and stiles is awesome. and everyone knows that now.

what follows is just steter get-to-know-eachother and the hale pack are the biggest wingmen (wingpeople) ever and there's fluff and magic and a lot of flowers because stiles is a person that can't for the life of him say the words "i love you" and gets incredibly anxious when people say "i love you" so he mostly displays his feelings for peter in hanakotoba, the traditional japanese flower language that kira taught him, and peter eventually catches onto that and they get together in a load of angst and fluff and they have sex. because of course they have loads of sex. bold of you to think peter can keep his hands off stiles for longer than a day and likewise.

and there is like a load of stiles/hale pack friendship dynamics because i love them all and then suddenly yeehaw. hale fire.

So paige has already happened in this timeline before stiles and peter met, and derek still meets kate and she does her scum thing and uses him. a bunch of hunters show up to the hale house, shoot them with wolfsbane bullets and gather them so they can burn together.

stiles wakes up in a rush because something bad is happening to his wolves but then his eyes fall closed again and he can't get out of bed for a solid time because someone freaking poisoned him and he's fevering and weak and everything is dizzy, but he forces himself up because something. bad. is happening. to his. wolves. he stumbles into his kitchen and almost dies right there and then, because the poison is wolfsbane and he feels like he got tons of it shoved down his throat by the person that poisoned him. his life starts flashing in front of his eyes and he fights back at it and vomits the wolfsbane out, believes it out of his system and when it's gone, he's just left raging.

because i hate kate, stiles loses control when he meets her at the hale house and kills her. he gets the pack and gets them out of the house, breaks the mountain ash circle and they leave. the hales can't go back to their house because the place is swarming with hunters

and peter and stiles figure out it was deaton who told kate everything she needed to know to set this trap and the mountain ash circle also stinks like druid, so deaton gets revealed as being the bad guy all along. stiles figures that he also poisoned him so he wouldnt interrupt, and that deaton wanted thalias alpha spark. the wendigo was a test and deaton put it there on purpose to see how strong stiles was and if he would care about the hales, because deaton knew stiles would feel the hunters killing them and ever since peter and stiles got together the druid knew he would have to murder him too to get the hales dead.

and stiles is just half feral in his wrath and the aftermath of the wolfsbane poisoning, and derek is sobbing and muttering about this being all his fault, and peter has two bullets stuck in his knees and has to be held up by his niece and his brother-in-law, and every one of them is shot and hurt and crying and talia does her best to comfort derek while shaking as well

and stiles just closes his eyes. takes a deep breath. and takes care of his family-in-law, because fuck if he isnt gonna marry peter after this. he takes them in, gives them clean and comfortable clothes, patches them up, lets them shower, yeets his living room so they have space for a big puppy pile, gives them food and water to drink and then draws a ward around his house that is strong enough deaton won't be able to find them unless he sells his soul to the king of hell.

when he's done with that, he locks the hales in and asks kira to take care of them and make sure they're okay while he's gone. she agrees and stiles goes and because he's angry and kind of more dark than i let slip until now so he just. slaughters the hunters that are left. and he enjoys it.

then he shows up to chris argents house, shocks the living hell out of allison because he's still covered in blood and ash, and goes talk to gerard, who is there for alibi purposes. he just flatly tells the truth and asks gerard how many times they've done this now. and the second the old man lets slip the hales weren't the first, stiles goes full Older Derek Hale Mode and slams him against a wall to threaten the living shit out of the man.

by threaten i mean he says that he'll kill him and there's nothing the guy can do about it, cause stiles will find him, no matter how far he runs. yknow bamf dark stiles shit. i am living for writing this scene right now bye

and then he looks at chris and allison. allison looks scared out of her mind and then she asks if thats true. if her family really did something like that. and chris has to look her square in the eye and tell her through gritted teeth that, altough he didnt know about this, yes, they did that to innocent people.

and stiles looks at chris and gives him a nod, because he knows the guy can get this right, he knows allison is strong and fierce and will be fine no matter what. he looks at gerard and sneers at him in disgust. then he leaves like the dramatic bitch he is, but not without ensuring chris will clean this mess up and make an alliance with talia.

he goes back to the house and the only one still awake is peter, and stiles breaks down completely, covered in blood from head to toe and scared out of his mind too. peter holds him, gently leads him into the shower, and helps him get cleaned up, washes his hair, picks out clothes for him, and they go to sleep together.

then, recovery. stiles organizes therapy for derek because lord knows the boy needs it, he nurses the hales healthy, shows them around in the house, they meet his friends, cora and lydia take a particularly special interest in each other, scott is sad because allison broke up with him but stiles visits the argents and talks to her a lot and they become friends too, and he knows scott will get over her eventually, just as she's getting over him.

and stiles shows the hales his life for a while until everyone is recovered, and then they go back to the hale house that he cleaned up already (because, uh, corpses had to be buried, floors had to be cleaned from blood and the smell of magic and mountain ash had to be erased)

and then peter proposes to stiles and they have a beautiful wedding by the lake where cora can talk to lydia, and derek ends up talking to scott quite a lot because scott is nervous and sweet and falls head over heels for the quiet werewolf, and guess who allison ends up with? nobody. because allison is fucking awesome and in the hunter business and she takes it upon her to start cleaning up the community and goes against hunters that are like her aunt just killing innocent people and a relationship with anybody would just be annoying. maybe she realizes she isnt even into relationships, i don't know that yet. aro ally would be interesting, dude.

And then in the end stiles goes to live with the hales and they mend their territory together so he can still visit his friends and he leaves the house to cora who eventually moves there as an adult so she can live with lydia. he and peter move out as well and they go back to town when stiles is ready, because he's lived so freaking long in the fear someone will hunt him down and kill him for his power, and now everything is peaceful. so he puts down his weapons, stops fighting, and lives happily ever after.

and has loads of sex with peter. just because.

[im-just-trying-to-get-bi]

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey

takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...?

(Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A

masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40

stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give

the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell

me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of

a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it

hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world

anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a

tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's

okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I

said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So

you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very

clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless

us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Omg

[punkscowardschampions]

Tommy & Meena

Tommy: All my tutus better be accounted for, like Meena: 😅 Meena: Not to engage in the bitchy showbiz stereotype Meena: but your size is not the size of the 3-7s Meena: and I don't need to rock one from the sidelines, sadly Meena: I did ask Tommy: Calling me fat & not inviting me out for juice? Oh it be like that, yeah? Meena: Never! Meena: The totally casual impromptu photoshoot would have you believe I had longer than 5 minutes to neck it down, I know Tommy: Not even in there with the 3-7s & already a savage Tommy: good luck to 'em Tommy: None to you Tommy: Who hasn't sacrificed their final mins to look fabulous? Standard, full supported fare Meena: They are hilarious Meena: some of them are SO serious though, reminds me of you Tommy: I could fire the same call out back at you Tommy: not least 'cause you're teaching in the holibobs Meena: How could it possibly be a call out? Meena: you'd have to be to get into the school you did Meena: I'm only teaching for the same reasons I 🩰 in the first place, for fun Meena: that's 🤓 at best Tommy: We started claws out Tommy: but I'll play nice & tell you to break a leg Tommy: just don't let the kids have too much fun, be a health & safety nightmare 🦺🤓 Meena: 😱 Meena: remind me never to be in the play-that-shall-not-be-named with you (as if), 'cos you'll be dropping the M 💣 like it's no thing Meena: as long as they look cute for their ma's and none of them cry, I think I get a 🥇 Meena: just a favour for Anne honestly, who has overstretched herself (not an awful pun, I 🤞) as per Tommy: Tights are a given for 🤩👏🌹 but my mastery of a Scots accent less so Tommy: I'll drop the M word like it's a 🔪🩸 to distract from my flaws, no problem Tommy: my sister witches & I love a curse Tommy: Oh dear Anne 😔 Meena: Are you more of a 🌈 or a 🐀 man? Meena: Yes, I noticed, there were some definite signs of voodoo in their room Meena: her daughter is meant to help her out now she's older but she never does 🤷 Tommy: 😂 is that a trick question? Tommy: Gutted I haven't found a club called the 🌈 passage yet Meena: 😳 Nooooo Meena: ew, what would 🐀 man even entail, gross Tommy: I mean, I've been asked if I'm a friend of Dorothy in loads of ways but now that's my new fave Tommy: I don't reckon you're ready for 🐀 man, maybe work up to it from 🐁 boy Meena: Oh God 😰 If only I was that witty and not just a nerd 😅 Meena: very nutcracker Tommy: Don't make your 📚🖋 sound 💀 dull before I've even read one Tommy: Julie Andrews would not approve Tommy: Witty & pretty & bright Tommy: it's the only way Meena: It's not Shakespeare Meena: so that's either a 👍 or a 👎 depending upon your literary persuasion Meena: not 🌈 Meena: though arguably 🐀men and 🐁boys hate the bard, well known fact so Meena: The thought of letting her down is 😿 Tommy: Loads of people find Shakespeare confusing Tommy: I like good, strong words that mean something Tommy: & I don't reckon they'd let 👑 Julie down, she seems like she'd be a fan herself Meena: Even if my plots get a little too convoluted or my dialogue doesn't quite reach passing for reality Meena: it's no Tudor English or iambic pentameter so 🥇 Tommy: 'Course you can take it as a win if you don't need a full glossary in the back Meena: or modern translation on the next page Meena: that'd be a sick burn Tommy: My ma needs a Scouse to understandable English translation hanging over her head Tommy: but you'll know that as you've been round Meena: I think I've got the basics down Meena: or she makes it more basic when she talks to me Tommy: Or she lays it on thick for me 'cause every dialect coach wants me to talk posh London as the starting line Meena: is sabotage mum cooler than stage mum? Tommy: probably depends how she feels about curses & broken legs Tommy: but it's a fresher take at least Meena: at least if you do, it's not her 💸 down the drain, just your time and effort Tommy: means I've got the basics down too, like Tommy: not her hard earned cash Tommy: never that Meena: Her basics are more fun that Ana's Meena: not saying a whole lot Tommy: she could have the good grace to be your step ma if she was gonna be so wicked Tommy: can't get the tropes these days Meena: she's not get the green paint out levels of bad Meena: the chores are cinderella levels Meena: but it's a big house and I'm grateful Tommy: Elphaba is well complex & a gay icon, neither of which Ana can claim Tommy: her wickedness & descent into insanity are totally understandable when you unlock her tragic backstory Meena: I'm just saying, don't get to work on the mini farmhouse to drop on her head Tommy: 🥱🙄 Meena: oh right, you're far too cool to do ANYTHING with your holiday now Meena: not even set decorating Meena: 🥱🙄 Tommy: is that a burn or is it the glare of my ⭐dom? I can't tell tbh Tommy: it isn't the heat of the Irish summer that's for damn sure Meena: you're strictly lead roles only now? Meena: oh, how you've changed Tommy: I'll never turn down a 👻 my ma & weird sisters would kill me Meena: so method Meena: I'll take tree #2 at this point Tommy: You'd be an amazing tree #2 Meena: *graceful bow of my branches* Tommy: you always were the best at keeping your révérence in character while the rest of us were over the 🌜 to be done Tommy: I expect nothing less Meena: even if that's a case or rose-tinted 🕶 Meena: *of Meena: I'm about everything being a little more pink Tommy: I can't decide if it's less hurtful being called a blind 🐁 or fat 🐀 Tommy: I'll get back to you Meena: At the risk of calling you sensitive...it's either that or I've got really rude in my old age 😅 Tommy: Both would be the rosiest Meena: 😊 Tommy: 🧠 Meena: Squidgy Tommy: if you want something to sink your 🦷🦷 into Tommy: 👛 Tommy: still pink Meena: Yours too? Tommy: Yeah Tommy: you don't own the 🩰👑 aesthetic Meena: This town ain't big enough for the both of us Meena: 🤠🔫 Tommy: Lend me those joggers and I'll lay down my weapons Meena: Sharing clothes should not still be an option Tommy: if you wanna keep body shaming Tommy: but there's no other real reason why not Meena: I'm talking my neverending growth spurts, not yours Tommy: measurements please Meena: am I not a lady? Tommy: are you? not for me to say Meena: I'm 5'10 1/2 Meena: too tall to pair in all the ways Tommy: not with me, honey Meena: You're old, too Meena: 🕞 for a lot of boys in my year to hit puberty 🙄 Tommy: I ain't thrown my back out yet, cheers very much Tommy: love the confidence Meena: wise old 🦉 eating all the blind 🐁 and fat 🐀 Tommy: the innuendos 🖋 themselves Tommy: love an old predatory 🌈 stereotype too Meena: okay, you're not THAT old Tommy: my 🦴 & 🦷 tell a story Meena: and what a 📚🖋 it shall be Tommy: don't get me started on my 👀 sight Tommy: look like an 👴 & I'll sound like one yelling at a ☁ Meena: thank god for contacts Meena: or being your partner would have been much scarier Tommy: I could do those old routines with my eyes closed Meena: Me too Meena: and backwards #humblebrag Tommy: 😏 Meena: stealing Ginger's words there, sadly Tommy: there's no such thing as an original idea, yeah? Tommy: what I go with when it's time to do choreo Meena: preach it and I won't feel as much of a fraud Tommy: You'll have been to church more recently than I have Tommy: it's her thing, right? 🙏 Meena: Being Catholic is not exclusively HER thing Meena: but she is remarkably good at it, yes Meena: 🎨 Tommy: not in this town or with that attitude Tommy: are you even 🍀 if you don't out devout each other tbh? Meena: she isn't even Meena: Brazilian and better than you 😘 Tommy: Again, not with that attitude Tommy: she's lived here years, like Meena: So has your Ma Meena: she's about as 🍀 Tommy: She's basically 💍 to one & doesn't possess the 🌈 urge to merge Tommy: it's stubbornness Meena: 🙏 to the choir Tommy: 🍻 Meena: didn't steal any of your beers, thank you Meena: just had a juice Tommy: We'd be having this out face to face if you had Meena: father's son Meena: I get it Tommy: ❌🥊 ✔🩰 Meena: that's definitely not original Meena: 😿 Meena: life story = stolen Tommy: Anne's no Julie Walters Tommy: but I've played him as a kid in the 🎶 Meena: Rude Meena: she 🚬 as much Tommy: Still? Tommy: ☠ Meena: Of course Meena: she doesn't try to have it out the window during classes anymore though, so that's progress Tommy: Talk about rose tinted Tommy: such good memories those Meena: They're the only ones I've got so Meena: I think so Tommy: When she has you back next, tell her that in this house we swear by 🚭 patches Tommy: might save a life Tommy: & give you a chance to make some more decent memories Meena: Noted Meena: I make memories just fine now Meena: but you only get one childhood Tommy: Peter Pan just made me 😢 anyway Tommy: What the fuck is that ending? Meena: The one we all get Meena: they told you in the first line Meena: All children, except one, grow up ✨ Tommy: No need to keep it in the family like that though Tommy: Fly though another window, Peter you heartbreaker Meena: The reason he showed up in the first place was to hear Wendy's stories about him Meena: she knew what she was doing telling her daughter about him Tommy: You go ahead & pass yours down but I'm just saying, I won't be encouraging my kids to run off with my first love Meena: No, silly Meena: she wanted him to come for HER, she thought she could still fly, still go with him Meena: she grew up without noticing, by accident, she didn't mean to Meena: that's why it's 😢 Tommy: Like I said Tommy: didn't need it girlsplained Meena: Do when you don't get it Tommy: Everyone knows she wanted Peter to come back for her Tommy: the thirst was real Meena: You're just being childish on purpose now Tommy: I'm saying probably don't let your kid go off with him when you know the same thing's gonna happen Tommy: that's bad parenting, like Meena: She doesn't regret it happening Meena: just because all children have to become adults doesn't mean deny them of the wonders of childhood, idiot Meena: get Jane on accounting instead of having adventures in Neverland, okay Meena: SUCH a Mr Darling, you, I had NO idea Tommy: Or get her a lad she can grow up along side & not have to 😢 at the window for Tommy: it don't have to be Neverland or bust Meena: Yes it does, he IS childhood, you don't get to take it or him with you Meena: Wendy took all the lost boys back with her, that didn't make her miss Peter any less Tommy: Our dog was a shit nanny I did alright out of it still Meena: Well, my brother was worse so I win Tommy: 'Cause I was your hot boy at the window Meena: Something like that Tommy: feels like flying to me Meena: When you remember. When you can. When it works. It's that easy. Tommy: I mean, it's less catchy than just do it ✔ but I don't hate it Meena: Take it up with Neil and Nike Tommy: crusades are for term time Meena: no cardboard sword or shield for you then Tommy: If I can't stab anyone with it, I don't want it Meena: okay, psycho Meena: no need to go that far to prove you've changed from the boy in the window Tommy: 😂 Tommy: if I have to be on stage, gimme a decent prop Tommy: not much to ask Meena: ... Meena: #diva Tommy: #reluctantboardtreader Tommy: Ro's a better actress & Ali's a better singer Tommy: I need something to mess about with to keep me standing still Meena: it must be rough, having talented sisters Meena: one thing I can't accuse Drew of Tommy: Nah, like you said, only get the one childhood Tommy: it made mine loads better Meena: Cute 😊 Tommy: Don't need to tell you Tommy: you know 'em as well as I do Meena: Yeah Meena: well enough that there's no need to disagree Tommy: feel free to hit me with a cardboard sword if you're gutted Meena: My insecurities in my own abilities don't make me lash out 👅 or 👊 Meena: could make a thinly-veiled reference to you in a story though so, consider yourself warned Tommy: other people are safe from mine, so there's no warning needed for you Tommy: not gonna challenge you to a dance off Meena: not in your holidays Meena: gotta rest Tommy: There'd be fuck all point doing it in term time Tommy: in a virtual one you could easily blame the lag Meena: You calling me a cheat? Tommy: pointing out how effortlessly you could Meena: You're meant to say I wouldn't need to Tommy: I don't need to say that Meena: Rude Tommy: It's a compliment Tommy: we both know you wouldn't need to cheat & even if you did, you wouldn't anyway Meena: Yes, but it was rude you weren't gonna say it Meena: but now you have so ha 😊 Tommy: Says you who wants me to rest up all hols like an 👴 Meena: You said it first, actually Tommy: Where? Meena: you called me out for working in the holidays Meena: which implies you ain't Tommy: what so if I ain't teaching I have to be resting? Tommy: oh please Meena: what are you doing? Meena: didn't 👀 you Tommy: [a selfie from wherever he's taken Rocky cos that's what I like to think he's doing since he wasn't there] Meena: figures Meena: almost definitely would've 👂 him Tommy: Yeah Tommy: my 🎧 only do so much Meena: He's so cute though Tommy: it's the 🦇👂 Meena: and the freckles Meena: and the gappy teeth rn Tommy: 🙄 good save with the 🦷🦷 comment Meena: ? Tommy: Come on, who else in my family has a face full of frecks? Tommy: they're both taken though Meena: oh please Tommy: 🥱 Meena: You don't need to tell me about people fancying your siblings Meena: story of my life Tommy: he's 💪 but what else is there to say? Meena: Are you expecting me to answer that? Meena: don't be weird Tommy: I'm saying it's not much of a story, long hair & a six pack Tommy: so I won't be telling you I fancy him Meena: I likewise fancy none of yours, freckled or otherwise Tommy: Lovely to clear that up Meena: 🤷 Meena: Okay then Tommy: 👌 then Meena: Really? Tommy: Yeah really Tommy: what else? Meena: Alright Meena: nothing Tommy: there's something Meena: Beyond not getting why you're being so snappy about it, there really isn't Tommy: I can handle an attitude check Meena: Are you alright? Meena: Bored...school-sick? Meena: doesn't sound right but you know Tommy: Bored is closest Tommy: but that doesn't sound right at the beginning of summer Tommy: at least we can blame Rocko, congrats to him Meena: The pressure to have the best summer ever!!! gets to us all Tommy: & for that we can blame the insta feed Tommy: love none of being my fault Meena: Sure we can think of something if you wanna feel that classic guilt to make you feel at home Tommy: 💭 gotcha Meena: not promising full 🧠 power to it Meena: am on costume duty so Tommy: I can't decently sew but I've never missed with a hot glue gun so Tommy: ✨ Meena: Yeah? Meena: That would actually be a big help Meena: talk to Ali, she had a million ideas, as per Tommy: 'Course Meena: Of course I just see the limitations of the vague 'Summer' theme I'm meant to follow, but she sees nothing but endless possibilities Tommy: sounds legit Tommy: I'm on my way back, no doubt she'll jump on me soon as I get through the door for all hands on deck Meena: Sorry and thank you in advance Meena: it was all I could do to convince her I had to get back to cook dinner so she is certainly in full project manager mode Tommy: it'll cure how schoolsick I am, we're always adding 🎀 or ✨ to something so it'll pass for something else more fabulous Meena: that's the spirit Tommy: if you can't turn a 👻 into a 👸 or vice versa you might as well fuck off home Tommy: does Anne want them full JonBenét Ramsey 💄👑👶 or is ALL on the costumes? Meena: Oh God Meena: thankfully she's not gone that crazy in her own old age Meena: JUST costume Meena: though some of the mothers see fit to attack them with lipgloss, hairspray etc but that's their own M.O. and we don't need to go there for 'em Tommy: Small mercy, like Tommy: does she have any lads this time? Meena: not in the 3-7s Meena: pretty sure there's a lad in the 7-12s though Tommy: Oh Anne Meena: not every lifetime a Billy Elliot comes about, clearly Tommy: way to not capitalise on my success Meena: um, okay bighead Meena: did you think you'd start a revolution in 🍀 with your talent, like Meena: calm down 😅 Tommy: The point is, literal poster boy material right here & she hasn't made a single one Tommy: 🚬 is an expensive habit Meena: ugh Meena: 🤫 Tommy: 😂 Meena: going to make a very unflattering poster of you when I get home Tommy: I can't wait to be tagged in the 📷 Meena: I'll just put 'em up 'round town Tommy: Ooh like a scavenger hunt Tommy: I knew I wouldn't be bored for long Meena: was vibing public smear but yes Meena: it can be that too, you're very welcome Tommy: trying to shame me again, I 👀 Meena: if the 🩰 fits Meena: ask yourself why Tommy: You're a Meenie, there's why Meena: 😏 Meena: been a long time since I 👂 that Tommy: I'll pull your hair next time I see you if you're feeling nostalgic Tommy: what are mates for, like Meena: Got all summer Meena: see if I get to that level, like Tommy: if the 🩰 fits Tommy: I know Meena: mine barely did Tommy: if you're gonna keep teaching, you'll need a new pair Meena: I know Meena: they're so expensive though Meena: and who knows Tommy: Anne'll have you back in a heartbeat Tommy: & there'll be a pair here that'll fit, my ma don't throw anything of ours away Meena: I don't know how she manages to live off what she makes Meena: never mind the idea of this being anything more than a favour Meena: the shoes will be a help though, I'm gonna pay for how small those ones were tomorrow Tommy: Sugar daddy Tommy: there's a definite twinkle in her eye Tommy: I'll get in the loft or wherever the fuck else when I get back Tommy: you're a [correct guess of the size of her foot because obviously] yeah? Meena: OMG Meena: to be her daddy he'd have to be at least 90 😂 Meena: ✔ Meena: Thanks, like, IOU Tommy: Don't worry about it Tommy: get me Anne's 💘 goss & we're even Meena: not taking up 🚬 to get in on those breaks but aside from that Meena: do my best Tommy: yeah, don't Tommy: I've heard somewhere it's  ☠ Meena: 😏 Meena: not that dedicated to the ballerina lifestyle Tommy: I won't tell, that HARSH truth would break dear old Anne Meena: Somehow I don't think so Meena: no poster girl, like Tommy: she 📞 you, I'm still waiting by mine Meena: 💔 Meena: she knows you're far too busy being a 🌟 to recruit Tommy: Yeah yeah Meena: You know she'd be beyond over the 🌙 to see you Tommy: I'm not twirling in to take your job Tommy: how out of order Meena: sounds like you have trouble controlling 1 kid Meena: never mind a class of Meena: not scared Tommy: he's my brother, he's feral Tommy: & you're rude Meena: he's feral because he's YOUR brother orrrrrr Meena: and I am not! Tommy: if the 👂s fit Tommy: have you forgotten what I was like OR? 'cause if you're trying to be polite, you've misjudged the timing Tommy: & yeah you are Meena: I'm not sure feral is the word I would use for you now or then Meena: you can interpret that as politely or im as you wanna Tommy: He's obviously not following in my exact footsteps then, 'cause who could Tommy: only you Meena: we were good partners Meena: 🤠 Tommy: 🏆🥇🥈🏆 Tommy: I'll dust 'em off when I 🩰 hunt Meena: you'll need several feather dusters Meena: 👴👵 Tommy: or a well flamboyant sleeve Tommy: 😏 Meena: very romantic of you Tommy: when you're having your goss sesh with Anne, the tea is that I didn't wear 💄 in public until I was nearly 12 Tommy: it'll help her control those 👶🤡 urges Meena: there's nothing summer about sweating off stage makeup Meena: poor babies Tommy: 🥀 Tommy: not the vibe Meena: definitely not Meena: not a fun sponge, they can have as much glitter as they like Meena: but full glam on a toddler ain't it Tommy: Thank Christ for the shared sanity Tommy: some of 'em at school would put full glam on a 🐶🐱🐰🐹 Meena: 🙄 Meena: it makes sense for the West End Meena: but the stage in the community hall is not that far from the what, room for 50-100 sitting? Meena: 🤡 features not necessary to see the facial expressions Tommy: Mmmhmmm Meena: when will I see you on stage then? Tommy: West End or community hall? Meena: 😅 Meena: former, obviously Tommy: Like I said, reluctant boardtreader Tommy: I only do the acting school makes me do Meena: yeah, but lots of shows must have some dance roles, right? Tommy: They do & I do 'em as & when Tommy: Billy Elliot already having been mentioned, like Tommy: I've got loads of auditions ✎ in this summer for all kinds of things Meena: well, let me know next time, will you Tommy: 'Course Meena: trying to keep your 🌟 secret or your fam from the audience, like? Tommy: Don't reckon having my ma in the front row would let me really shine, do you? Meena: I see where you're coming from Tommy: I can do without Fraze taking the piss about every role I don't get, like he understands the odds, as well Tommy: but if you wanna come, you can come Meena: like it's not one of the most competitive markets 🙄 Meena: so many people never get a role, like Tommy: he likes being a shit to be one Tommy: the role he was born to play Meena: yeah Meena: sounds familiar Tommy: gimme 2 more sisters over either brother Tommy: even if they were better 💃💃 Meena: wouldn't know Meena: source material varies on how fun that would be Tommy: 'Course it does Tommy: can't get the backup when I need it Meena: I'm 🤔 Meena: unless you're part of a twin duo of sisters, it's usually presented as more 🥊 than 💖 Tommy: Jo & Amy, not Jo & Beth Tommy: I've got Bea & Ro as well as Ali, I get it Meena: That about sums it up Tommy: I'd still take 'em over my brothers, know you can relate Tommy: Hell, I'd take the mystery sister we don't talk about & I've never met, over Fraze Tommy: there's a 📚💡 for you Meena: definitely 🖋 worthy Tommy: 👍 Tommy: [pictures of like all the trophies and other stuff he is finding as baby dancer mems cos he's back home] Tommy: more inspo Meena: Obviously, if this were any story, she'd be a teacher at your school Meena: 💃genes Tommy: she could be Tommy: I wouldn't know Meena: I bet most of your teachers are Anne types though Meena: so, too old, and not a hint of resemblance Tommy: Loads of 'em are young & 💪 so I love the added incentive not to 😍 a teacher Meena: you wouldn't anyway Meena: not a guy, a sister Tommy: I'll let you know if I run into her in 🌈 passage Meena: might be a coincidence too far Tommy: AHa! 🩰 Tommy: when do you need these? Meena: 🙏🙌 Thursday, but Ali and Ro said they'd come to do measurements then so you can throw 'em at 'em Tommy: Am I not invited? Meena: Are you coming to steal my spotlight? Tommy: I'll go hang with Carly if you can't handle our ⭐️🌟✨ Meena: her plans sounded like they involved 😴 Meena: 10am class was not her preference, I don't think Tommy: 🧸😪💤 Tommy: I can work with that, rest, yeah? Meena: I don't think you were invited there either Meena: you should probably come Tommy: she's not as savage as you Tommy: who is, like Tommy: but alright, Meenie Tommy: check your attitude by thurs & I'll come Meena: oof! 😤 Tommy: I'll teach you this counting trick Fraze used to have to do when he was lil Meena: I know how to count Meena: key 💃 skill Tommy: the whole way to 10?! WOW Tommy: I thought you just 👀 me Meena: 😒 Meena: you're very rude Tommy: 😂 Tommy: you're adorable Meena: you sound like my brother now Meena: not a cute look Tommy: what am I if not the big brother you should've had? Tommy: fairy godbrother is going a bit far, like Meena: We've established I'm alright for 'em Meena: you're not getting a free sister here Tommy: 🥺 Meena: 😠 very mean very serious Tommy: I realise I'm gonna have to drag you away from Anne, she's hardened you Tommy: you used to be like 🍦 Meena: melts in the ☀ Meena: so ideal Tommy: melting wins 🏆🥇🥈🏆 remember Meena: all my 🏆🥇🥈🏆 live in your loft, or wherever your mum keeps the precious memories Tommy: you don't have any of 'em? Meena: a few 🥇🥈s Meena: my room's not a shrine to past victories or anything as tragic Tommy: I'll bring you one of the smaller 🏆 you can put a 🌱🌿 it'll be very chic Meena: That's student decor 101, is it? Meena: 👍 cheers, though Tommy: at my school it's full shrine, past, present & future Tommy: so I left mine at 🏠 Meena: just another competition Tommy: Yeah Tommy: I don't need to be surrounded by 🏆🥇🥈🏆 to know I need to go for gold Tommy: it's a scholarship requirement Meena: no need to get in a pissing contest with the kid who's been Simba for 3 runs, like Tommy: I'd be a FANTASTIC 🦁👑 Tommy: but if they have to 👀 at my decor to know it, I'm fucking up somewhere Meena: is this a bad time to tell you you aren't black Meena: can't say it's unfair on that specific casting Tommy: I learned the hard way when I performed that rap, cheers for letting me by the way Tommy: best friend goals that day Meena: it was Meena: very creative Meena: who am I, was I, to stomp out that spark 😏 Tommy: 🔪💖 Meena: 😂 Meena: oh god, hope your mum kept evidence of that Tommy: she did Tommy: my 🧢👟 styling was unforgettable before I even opened my mouth Meena: if you wanna beef with Anne, start with the hip-hop dance classes Tommy: Jesus Tommy: what a time Meena: So innocently problematic Tommy: You should write about Anne Tommy: she's lived a life Meena: I have Tommy: so if I trade you the rap footage, can I read it? Meena: Hmm Meena: tempting but Tommy: come on, what's more embarrassing than 👶 Vanilla Ice? Meena: my writing being nothing more than scribblings, potentially Meena: I don't really share it Tommy: I'm not asking you to insta it & tag Anne Tommy: Please Tommy: I'll be a perfect 😇 about it Meena: Okay Meena: but it's as serious as your rap career so no serious criticism please Tommy: you're the best, Meeps Tommy: & I'll be on my best behaviour Meena: Believe it when I see it, slim shady Tommy: maybe you'll 👀 it when you believe, Wendy Tommy: living for that compliment though tbh Meena: couldn't risk biggie Meena: as you're feeling so #fatshamed today Tommy: 😂 Tommy: & you don't wanna go for 🍦 Meena: Where did I say that Tommy: When you gave me a weather forecast Tommy: #notideal Meena: that was about melting myself, thank you Meena: no offer was made Tommy: let's go for 🍦 then!! Meena: !! SO AGGRESSIVE Tommy: !! I'M STARVING Tommy: & unlike Rocko I've got all my 🦷🦷🦷 & they're all sweet 🍬🍭🍦 lovers Meena: I know Meena: not as cute but more #relatable Meena: I have to finish dinner but then I can go Tommy: making it or eating it? Meena: I'll just make it Meena: don't want to spoil my 🍦 Tommy: 🙂 am I cute yet? Tommy: 😁😁😁 Tommy: 🦷✨ Meena: do you have all your stickers from the dentist still too? Meena: massive show-off Tommy: if she could've peeled 'em off & saved 'em, they'd be here Meena: so cute Meena: if I'm ever feeling suicidal I must bring it up Tommy: one word for it Tommy: & one exit strategy Tommy: suicide by bad cop Meena: suitably theatre of me? Tommy: I support it Meena: your support means SO much, obvs Tommy: 💐👏 Meena: throw 💎💰 please Tommy: I'll raid the dressing up & monopoly boxes Tommy: bear with Meena: ooh bagsie thimble Tommy: I remember Tommy: actually am best friend goals here Meena: obviously you want the dog, but you have to fight your dad for it Tommy: I'll end up with the 🎩 Tommy: can't escape the 🤩 Meena: it suits Meena: who ends up with the boat though? Tommy: Ali if she can customise it to look more like a pirate ship Meena: so Ro gets the wheelbarrow Meena: makes sense Tommy: She loves The Secret Garden Tommy: then & now Meena: I support that Tommy: 🤞 you'll support how it influences her 💡s for your summer theme Meena: it's definitely more spring to go full 🌷 🌹 🥀 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Meena: unfortunately Meena: 🐙 🦑 🦐 🦀 🐡 🐠 🐟 🐬 🐳 🐋 🦈 is a bit 😬 Meena: seashells and mermaids is most likely what we'll go with and what the girls and the ma's will like best Tommy: I know we're all 💔 over the cliches Meena: it's basic but workable Meena: you will have to reign them both in or it'll be 😬 or worse Tommy: I can do bad cop Tommy: uniform optional Meena: 😂 Meena: not swoon worthy Tommy: are any of 'em? Tommy: not to personally shut down uniformdating.com Tommy: but like Meena: nurses not do it for you? Meena: or firefighters Meena: army men Tommy: okay I'll give you 🔥 men Meena: See Meena: something for everyone Tommy: 👌 hothoses.com or whatever can stay up Meena: ewwwwww Meena: shh Tommy: 😂 Meena: you're still sweet and innocent Meena: leave my memories as they are Tommy: 👶😇 Meena: more like it Meena: 👀 you Tommy: you're gonna see me covered in melted 🍦 that'll be more like it Tommy: not knocking any 🦷🦷 out though Tommy: line has been drawn in the sand Meena: that's fair Meena: I said 🚭 Meena: we're even Tommy: 🤝

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

The summertime of our lives, 2/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 2/?.

Pairings: Ninetoo x Rose.

A/N: Written for @doctorroseprompts summer bingo. Five summer-themed words: Beach, flower, heat, kiss, travel (BINGO!). Tagging @thebookster on her demand.

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” - William Shakespeare.

CHAPTER 2:

“So, you’ve requisitioned your dad’s yacht for me?” They were back in the small house and she had wrapped him in a warm blanket. It was summer but it wasn’t exceedingly hot outside, especially this close to the sea. Plus, in small towns like this, there were always curious getting up early to wander around for gossips. A half-naked new man with a respected heiress was perfect, particularly since they weren’t married. He never cared for gossips before. He didn’t have any time to give to those. But now he was human and it was really annoying to be the centre of those talks. He had heard too many of them in London. He hoped not to live the same thing here. “Don’t call him dad, please.” Rose put two cups of hot tea and a box of sugar on the table and sat down on the opposite side of his. It was a small table, barely enough room for two, but this proximity would bring them closer. London was too large, too big and it kept digging a distance between them in a universe where they didn’t belong. Jackie was the only one to fit in nicely. “Why not? You were born from a father named Pete Tyler. Different universe but same man.” “We don’t get along that well.” The Doctor put a sugar cube in his cup and stirred the drink. Rose looked away. The view she had from the window was more interesting than that talk about Peter Tyler, a father she had lost in her original universe. She would have given anything to spend more time with him… but that time was given to her with an alternate version of him. A version that was very different from the one she met in 1987. “For mum, it was easy. He got used to her very quickly. He was already married to her. No matter the version, mum is… mum.” The Doctor snorted. He had no difficulty in picturing that. “But me… I never existed in this universe. Never had any room. He saved me because I was mum’s most precious thing in life. He adopted me, helped me to success in what I wanted. We try to keep up appearances but we’ve never been close. We are cold, awkward.” There was a silence and she realised he had moved from his chair when he wrapped her into one of his comforting embraces. She didn’t resist, she hid her face in his naked shoulder. She sniffled, wiped away the tears from her face, from his bare skin. He never said a word, waited for her to be done. “And then, Tony came.” She didn’t hate on her little brother. It was all the contrary. When she was younger, she had wished for all of this. She had wanted a father and siblings. She had been raised as an only child, been used to have all of her mother’s attention. The, the Doctor came and it had had no importance anymore. Until she was stranded here. And sometimes, she felt very alone, very abandoned. She couldn’t go to her mother for she feared to be considered as selfish for needing attention, to be told to be happy because she had everything she had ever dreamt of. The Doctor highly doubted that Jackie would ever think so badly of her daughter. The woman was terrible and ready to anything to protect her Rose. He had seen it immediately when he came into their lives. This universe might have put some distance between them but their bond could never be broken. They just needed a proper and serious talk. As now wasn’t the time, the Doctor did the only thing he could. Something she had done for him before. “Now you’ve got me and I’m never gonna leave you. You’re stuck with me.” He didn’t have to look down at her to know it had brought a smile to her lips. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Her hair still had that salty smell from their night bath in the sea. She hadn’t showered yet. Neither did he. They had just dried themselves off and gone to bed. They hadn’t been there for a full day and it already had considerably pulled them closer to each other and pushed them to open up more easily. A more exotic destination probably wouldn’t have had this effect. “So, that yacht?” “My captain needed a ship.” “Not quite the type of ship I’m used to pilot.” “They’re announcing a peak of heat wave in the next few days. We should enjoy the time we have to go on that yacht, don’t you think?” The Doctor grinned. Yes, that indeed was the kind of plans he could like. They drank their tea and rushed to the bathroom where they fought about the little room they had to move in. The Doctor mumbled something about humans and their inability to create bigger on the inside rooms to which Rose retorted that he was also human before throwing a sponge bath at him, sponge bath he avoided just in time. He responded with a toothbrush and the fight continued until the bathroom was flooded and the Doctor had to retreat in their bedroom. He opened his suitcase and pulled on his usual jeans with a T-shirt branded with one stupid quote. The only proper shirt shirts you could find in this universe apparently. “I have something better for you.” She grabbed her suitcase and threw it on the bed. She opened it and looked through her clothes and underwear. The Doctor felt his ear turn red. Rose and him never went intimate. There had been kisses and small touches but they hadn’t gone that far. His confusion, adaptation and questions had prevented them from getting this close. So seeing laced panties and other elaborate underwear in her suitcase was making him rather uncomfortable. He turned his head away and slightly cleared his throat, causing Rose to have a quiet laugh. All impressive that he pretended to be, he could still be embarrassed by the smallest things. “Here.” “You can’t be serious.” She was holding out to him the most hideous outfit he had ever seen – and he had seen a lot of them in his life – and he wouldn’t accept to wear this one in this life. In the sixth incarnation, he maybe would have accepted. The criminal outfit consisted in a bright red shirt with big white flowers in the Hawaiian style. The sorts were in the same style. There was no way he would put that on. “You can’t go around in jeans with the upcoming heatwave. It’s not suitable for the weather.” “I can cope.” “When you were a Time Lord, you could,” she corrected him softly. “What do you mean?” “Human biology, Doctor.” She placed her hand over his only heart. He still had troubles admitting it to himself and she always had to remind him of this unusual condition. Of course it wasn’t pleasing him at all and he would be sulking for a while but he would eventually enjoy this. He refused to wear the outfit and they didn’t talk about it, not even when they walked along the beach as the sun was rising higher in the sky. Just a walk before they went to the boat that would take them to the yacht. They had to buy food on their way to the port bt the Doctor was too busy burying his toes in the sand. He hadn’t really cared about this the previous day but now, after taking off his boot to be sure, he could tell that the sand was different from their original universe and that it reminded him of a planet he couldn’t remember the name of. Rose could only watch him, half amused, half annoyed. 900 years old kiddo. “Doctor?” She was trying to get his attention back on her but he was too focused on analysing the sand and looking for the name of the planet this ground was reminding him of. She sighed and decided to do the same thing as usual when he was like this: she wandered off. He would have to look for her. Just like in the old times. She went to the local shop and bought everything they needed for their picnic. She was coming out of the shop when she saw Alec’s car passing by. She waved at him, not knowing if he had seen her, and continued her route. She was loading the bags of food in the small motorised boat that would take them – if the Doctor found her – to the yacht when they would be ready. She threw her backpack close to the commands. She was gonna jump on board when she heard footsteps behind her. Formal shoes and boots. One of them was her Doctor. “I found something that’s yours.” “I’m no something.” Rose turned around to face two familiar grumpy faces. One of them was a beardy Scottish in suit, the other was a Northerner in jeans. The latter had his hands handcuffed in his back and really wasn’t pleased with it – though it wasn’t the first time it happened. The situation was pretty funny to her and she had a hard time not laughing. It would have infuriated the Doctor even more. “You’ve brought me back, now can you take these off?” “I’ve never seen someone so annoying before him. How can you handle this guy?” “It takes time, but he can be lovely.” “Never in a million years.” That was typical from the Doctor to react like this. Especially this version of him. He had always been a grumpy guy. The fault of a past tormenting him. A past that was now as heavy as ever as he was definitely cut from his roots, as he was part of a species that never existed in any world before him. He was going through an identity crisis. Just like she did years before. He was looking for himself, for who he was and it could take more time than they all thought due to this special condition. “What has he done?” There was an again in her voice that made the Doctor snort and Alec raise an eyebrow. The man was a troublemaker who needed a close watch. The detective trusted Rose but he had a hard time trusting her fiancé or whatever he was to her. He wasn’t clear and he couldn’t let such a danger around Rose. Not after what she had been through. He pulled a silver tube out of his pocket and showed it to Rose. “Isn’t he too old to annoy people with a laser thing?” “This is not a toy!” protested the Doctor. Alec pointed the device on him and pressed the button to prove his point with the blue light. The Doctor pretended he wasn’t affected. His precious sonic screwdriver in the hands of a clod. This guy had no idea what this blue tip could do. On human, or not human beings. He was only scanning the area with the sonic but this stupid detective had changed the settings with his dumb fingers. “If that’s not a laser, I don’t know what it is.” The Doctor was relieved when the sonic was taken away from him. He caught Rose’s worried look on him. So did Alec. It raised more questions to the detective’s mind. He told Rose that he had wanted to be nice and let her know about her boyfriend’s behaviour but his insolence and disrespect had made him change his mind. He would take him to the police station instead. The Doctor refused but Rose shushed him with one glance. He better shut up if he didn’t want any more troubles. The blonde tried to convince her friend that he shouldn’t do that. It was useless now. The decision was taken and she could only steal the sonic discreetly from his pocket. Another habit she had gotten from the Doctor.

x

Rose hadn’t lied when she said that a heatwave was gonna hit the country soon. Before, he wouldn’t have minded but before, he was a Time Lord. Now, he was human and he had no control over his body reactions. This white cell wasn’t helping him either. There was no window. Just four walls and a door with a hatch. Suffocating. It was very badly ventilated and the heat mixed with the smells of the previous occupiers of the room was unbearable. His shirt was totally soaked with how much he was sweating. His jeans were sticking to his skin but he refused to admit that Rose was right, that he should have put on that horrible outfit. He was pacing around. It wasn’t the first time he was locked in a cell and he could always find a way out of there. And he had a TARDIS to get away from the troubles he had gotten into. “Oi! Anybody there?” He wouldn’t beg that detective to open the door, to release him. He wouldn’t give him that pleasure. He already had had too much of it when he had locked him in there. At least, the Doctor had had the satisfaction of seeing the confusion on his face when he found no sonic in his pockets, when he couldn’t find the device on the Doctor either. Clever Rose. She had gotten it back and the grumpy detective was angry. The Doctor wiped away the sweat on his forehead. When had this cell become such an oven? He had a damn headache. He glanced at his watch, remembered that it had taken from him. He thought. His mind wasn’t very clear. How could it be possible? Now his eyes were staring at the ceiling and he heard the far echo of a door being opened. And the face of the detective coming into his field of vision. “Shitface,” he croaked. The joke made him laugh but he was the only one. He had heard Alec Hardy’s colleague calling him that and he couldn’t disagree. But he was the only one to laugh at joke. The detective didn’t seem to find it funny though he obviously knew that it was the nickname he was given around here. He shouted something to someone outside the cell. The Doctor laughed. This guy was so ridiculous. He closed his eyes a couple seconds. This light was increasing his headache. How he ended up sitting on that bench, his shoulder leant against the closest corner, with the detective sitting not far, he couldn’t tell. There was a whole moment of blackness between the moment the detective came in and now. The room was silent, the door was still open and there was a fresh breeze stroking his skin. It was delightful, unhoped for. The Doctor sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose. There was a bottle of water beside him. He drank from it greedily. “The station apologises for the disagreement. There was a malfunction in the ventilation. They should have taken you out of here when it started.” Except no one had moved to obey a direct order from him. Even if he had been here for years, they still liked to annoy him. They voluntarily forgot that there was a man locked down in this cell until Alec stepped back in the station and went to see him. The responsible would be punished severely. This could have had serious consequences. But thankfully, the man known as Maxence Spitz was okay. Just dehydrated. “You’re a troublemaker,” continued the detective. The Doctor snorted, “I’d be one if I was looking for troubles, but troubles find me wherever I am.” “You gotta understand that Rose…” “Rose what?” interrupted the part-Time Lord, swiftly turning his head to glare at his rival. “What do you have to say about my Rose?” “You weren’t there when she needed you the most.” The tone was sarcastic, abrupt. A tone he himself used. “I was.” That was a stab straight in the Doctor’s heart. If they hadn’t been in a police station, if it hadn’t been an obvious proof that he was looking for troubles, he would have knocked that damn man out for speaking like this. As if it had been any of his fault. The blame was on the pretty boy. Him had come in the picture long after to pick up the pieces left. “That was complicated.” Because the man Alec Hardy was talking to didn’t exist when Rose had been trapped in this world. He was born years later. If it had only been for him, he would have fractured the whole thing to have his Rose back, but the pretty boy seemed to have a consciousness that was working for once. “She first came here around two years ago. She was with her mother,” the Doctor grimaced, “and her little brother. She pretexted they were here for holidays but it wasn’t the season. It was for something else. Jackie and Tony went back to London and she stayed. For months. Here, in that small house you’ve rented.” “How have you met?” “I had a call one night. I was the only one left at the station so I went there. She was standing on the edge of the cliff overlooking the beach. I stood beside her. There was so much sadness in her at that moment.” The detective marked a pause there, remembering that night. It was his first meeting with the woman and her sadness reached him. He was always telling Miller to not get too involved and he had broken that rule that night. “I don’t know if she really wanted to jump. She was suffering from a severe depression and no one knew how to relieve her from her pain. I brought her back to the house, made tea and stayed with her. I made sure she never was alone.” “And you’ve done that job with pleasure,” bitterly completed the Doctor. “I called her family, ordered officers to watch over her. And yes, I did invite her a couple times.” “How did that go?” Alec ignored the sarcasm, “It’s easy to fall in love with Rose Tyler and nearly impossible to win her favours. She was too busy looking for something else, for someone else.” “Who could that be?” “You. She was looking for you.” Alec continued his tale, telling him how he helped her to get better, how she often travelled back to Broadchurch when London was too hard for her, when her researches were leading nowhere. He was her only friend in this world and he had taken great care of her while she was alone. The Doctor was ungrateful with his behaviour. “Thank you.” This was awful for him to thank that guy. “For making sure she was okay when I couldn’t.” The detective grumbled something and finally announced that he was free to go now. The Doctor didn’t need to be told twice. He emptied the bottle of water and followed Alec out of the cell. His belongings were given back to him and he met with Rose in the entrance hall. His first reflex was to wrap her in a tight embrace and drop a tender kiss on her lips. He wished he had known sooner. They left the station together, hand in hand. They were barely in the car that he spoke finally. “We shouldn’t go back to London.” “Why that?” “We’re not happy there. We should travel more, discover this world together.” “Yeah? Where does that idea come from?” “You know, pacing around a tiny cell. I hate closed spaces.” “But transports are confined spaces with lots of people.” “Yeah, always forget that, me.” He fell silent again and contemplated the landscape through the window of the car. It had been a stupid idea. He regretted even saying it out loud. He didn’t have the TARDIS anymore. He needed to use the public transports, had to pay with money he didn’t have. They were condemned to stay in London forever. What a dull life. “Funny you mentioned this need of traveling.” The Doctor turned his head toward her, waiting for what was coming next. “There’s something I had to show you.” She didn’t add more and he was forced to wait until they were back to their small house. Even then, she kept her mysterious smile on and left him to wonder what she had in store for him. Must be something really big for her to keep this secret from him, for her to leave him pondering…

A suivre

The summertime of our lives © | 2019 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

← Last || Next →

English version:

AO3 ||TS.

[palecroissantgothstudent-blog]

Yo yo bro

SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[existentialrainbow]

Shrek Movie Script

         SHREK                                       Written by                                William Steig & Ted Elliott                                     SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!             ��           You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks               ��         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                       �� Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[phantumpoftheopera]

SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

[javndicedarchived-blog]

god have mercy on us all

SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

[qqueenofhades]

Someone who is absolutely not Christine may also have a mighty need for vampire Hamiltons. So, if you feel so inclined...

or, the supernatural!AU i literally did not know that i needed until two minutes ago, thanks to @samhound’s thomas/miranda as vampires drawing. tagging @extasiswings who did not send this prompt nosirree, and @ibonekoen.

Polite society knows that Lord Thomas and Lady Miranda Hamilton are, in fact, not entirely human. It is just that it is not decorous in the least to actually mention it. The aristocracy, after all, must be allowed their peccadilloes. Even when this involves a certain, indeed decided, penchant for the nocturnal hours, a restricted liquid diet, and teeth that flash white and sharp as bone in the smoky candlelight. There are whispers that they are both at least a hundred years old, that they were turned in the reign of Queen Elizabeth, and yet, for all time, they will never look a day older than thirty.

James McGraw has heard the rumors -- both those, and the other ones surrounding the Hamiltons -- when he first meets them, and he cannot help but be on his guard, as if either of them will shortly presume to take a bite from him in one sense or another. And yet it does not take him long to know, to simply understand, that for all that society calls the Hamiltons monsters (as they do behind their fans at those games of whist, over tots of brandy in the drawing room, in hisses at Parliament), they are some of the truest, the kindest, the most human people he has ever met. They are engaged together in the project of proposing mercy for the pirates of New Providence Island -- perhaps, monster to monster, one hostis humani generis to another, Thomas and Miranda are especially inclined to gentle treatment. After all, it is only their wealth and status that protects them, even when they live more or less openly as who they are. 

(James loves both of them quickly. Learns of pale-white flesh, cool and smooth as marble, and blood that sings like enchantment, the taste of Thomas’ kiss like warm firelight, and Miranda’s like cool evening rain. Learns of the pleasures that can be offered with a century’s worth of experience, and at times, allows both of them to feed from him. Has never felt any particular desire to become such a creature himself, but can no longer separate the parts that are them, and that are him, and half-thinks he is one already.)

Wealth and status is such a fragile, fragile shield.

Miranda struggles to adjust to Nassau. Struggles to adjust to the heat and sun and the whispers that follow her everywhere she goes -- aye, she is a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings, half-witch, half-whore, reviled by association with Captain Flint already. It is better they do not know the full grounds they have to hate her, though doubtless they suspect. Pastor Lambert hangs about, intrigued yet revolted, a man of God drawn to that which may destroy it (or is it the other way around? Miranda cannot remember. Has lived so long, and cannot remember) and she struggles not to sneeze every time she sees his cross and missal. He earnestly endeavors to save her soul.

It’s almost charming. It’s almost touching. As if she still had a soul to save.

On this island where they are all monsters, however -- when James McGraw, the Navy lieutenant she and Thomas loved, their shared human, their mortal heart, has cast aside all ties to that old self, and fashioned himself into an entirely different sort of beast -- Miranda tells herself she must make some sort of home.

It’s James who is that home, as she is for him, and yet so often, there is too much space between them to be filled with their love. Not when she still tastes in his blood the vast, echoing, heartbroken absence of them. Thomas should linger in James too, in more ways than one, and in some ways he does. And yet, both of them know, that last scent and sight and taste is fading, and one day when Miranda feeds, she will no longer recall her husband at all.

(Even for immortals, time is the greatest of all enemies.)

Peter Ashe knew the truth of them. 

Peter Ashe gave up that truth of them to their enemies.

Peter Ashe keeps a bodyguard with a gun loaded with silver bullets.

When Miranda screams at him, eyes blackened, fangs bared, rage beyond control or containment, when she appears set to fly at his throat -- there is only one outcome.

(Her body turns to ash in the Charlestown sun, and then Charlestown itself turns to ash, and James Flint’s heart is ash, and everything tastes of ash, and the broadsheets print lurid stories of the She-Beast slain in the Carolinas, the greatest of all mankind’s enemies allied with the pirates, and as the world burns in Flint’s furied wake, they do not have any reason to disbelieve it.)

James and Thomas reunite on the far side of the war. On the far side of Flint, of the black flag, of Woodes Rogers and John Silver and Skeleton Island and all else, as the years are nothing but dust and no time seems to have passed in the least. Thomas still looks barely older than he was, but the decade apart has worn on him too. Vampires can tolerate sunlight for a short while, especially as they get older, and Thomas Hamilton is quite a bit older than anyone thinks.

He and James make their home together in Savannah, building whatever they have left, the absence of Miranda a quiet brown-eyed ghost between them. Now it is Thomas who fears the day that he will no longer taste her in James’ blood, and knows that, in inexorability and inevitability, it will come.

James Flint does not want to live forever.

James Flint never has.

All these years loving the monsters, in living as his own, and Thomas knows it would be the ultimate cruelty to ask him to take it on for all time. He loves James, he always has, for the man he was, and somehow, impossibly, became again. He knows that this is fleeting. That it, in time -- no matter how unready he is for that day when it comes -- will fade.

James dies in 1754, at the age of eighty-one. He dies in Thomas Hamilton’s arms, Thomas sitting and holding him on the back porch of their small house under the trees, still not a day over thirty.

Thomas’ last words to him, a whisper, are, “Kiss her for me.”

Nassau these days is crowded with cruise ships. With sun-burned tourists wandering and snapping photos, forking over their money for every sort of questionable pirate souvenirs, with noise, with technology, with modernity.

Thomas can’t see much of the life James and Miranda built here, though he tries. When a vampire has been alone for two hundred and sixty-three years (and he has counted every one), there is little else to occupy oneself. He promised to James that he would live, that he would see the future, that he would take advantage of the time, and so he has, much as he has felt unable to open his eyes, to stand up, to remember his own name at times. He has become adept at pretending to die every few decades and leaving his money and worldly goods to himself, and there’s nothing he wants for, materially, these days.

But this is the last time.

He’s preparing to donate his entire estate to charitable causes -- LGBT youth, poverty relief, women’s groups, justice funds, the ACLU. All of it will be anonymous. The preparations are nearly complete.

Thomas Hamilton stands on the balcony, watching the sun go down over the harbor. Listens to the hum and bustle of life below, and feels -- at so long very last -- at peace.

He turns. Goes inside.

(There will only be ash left.)

(There will only be dust.)

(Dust blows on the wind, and all fades.)

Thomas takes the silver blade in hand, and lies down on the bed. Makes himself comfortable, closes his eyes. Sees James and Miranda smiling, waiting for him, holding out their hands. After all these centuries, their faces, alone, are the one thing that never dimmed.

I will see you again one day.

He promised it to them both, as well.

Thomas Hamilton is so much older than anyone knows.

That time is now. Is here. It is gentle and soft as a lover, as the ghost of James’ kiss upon his mouth, Miranda’s smile to warm him through, and sunlight. For all the time he has spent as who he is, he has always loved sunlight the best.

All fades.

All fades.

[llcoolhayles]

Do you like being spanked? Are you secretly kinky?

SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

[donna-from-legal]

SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.         ��               He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,       ��                 ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                           ��                                 SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[happyw-behappy-blog]

The Biography of Sirius Black: a collection of all the letters received   2017-12

 Dear Padfoot,

It’s been a long time since I last saw you. Actually I hope I would never meet you again. Because this means, you are still alive. But it’s still nice to see you now; at least you lived 17 years longer than me.

Thank you for being there for Harry, you are a great godfather. Thank you for teaching him patience, justice and love. And thank you for every moment you spend with Harry.

I know he is very much like me, not only his look, but also him. I bet it is because of genetic which make him so talented, like me, or how could he still be like this excellent after growing up in a pig house! (Don’t you tell Lily about this!) I know this is how you think of Lily’s sis’ family, don’t try to deny it. So sometimes, you think him as me, like your dear old friend was still there with you, I know its feeling. And I know the disappointment when you release the difference between Harry and me. But he’s your godson anyway, you have to love him, and I know you did, for me and for him.

No matter what, now we can hang out together again, after all these years. See you around some time, and don’t forget to bring the beer with you when you are here.

I miss the time which Maraduers got to pick on Snivellus, I think we can still do that now, just in a different world.

 Love,

Prongs

             "It's been fourteen years, and still not a day goes by that I don't miss your dad."

—Sirius regarding his friendship with James

                                 Sirius Black,

This would be the last time and first time I wrote something to you.

SHAME ON YOU!!!!! How dare you to fight against our Load! You’ve betrayed your family.

I wish I’d NEVER had a son like you.

But at least, you keep the Blacks’ pure blood when you leave the world. I’m glad that you did not disgust me and your mother with some mudblood’s child. Through me and your mother burned your face of the family tree of House of Black when you betrayed your noble family and blood, you were our last pure blood in the Blacks, and the Blacks are died forever now.

I would never forgive you for all the dirty things you’ve done, and how you do not care about the pure blood in your body.

From this moment, Sirius Black, the son of Orion Black and Walburga Black, are officially removed from House of Black due to his betray to his pure blood and his Lord.

Orion Black

      Harry Potter: "Were — were your parents Death Eaters as well?"

Sirius: "No, no, but believe me, they thought Voldemort had the right idea, they were all for the purification of the wizarding race, getting rid of Muggle-borns and having pure-bloods in charge."

— Sirius regarding his family's beliefs

                                 Dear Snuffles,

  How are you these days? We want to visit you next time we can go to Hogsmeade that will be next Saturday. Harry does not feel very well these days. He told us not to tell you, but I think you should know. I think its his scar, but he didn’t tell, maybe he would talk to you about it. You are the only one he’d listen to right now.

Please don't tell Harry I write this letter to you, he would be mad at me for telling you this.

I guess he must have sent you his letter, reply his only, and tell him we can visit if it is safe. He is really worrying about you.

Please don’t tell Harry about this! And keep yourself safe!

 PS: I wonder how does mice tastes, and how could you live on with that!

 You must love Harry very much. Wish I’d have a godfather so cool as you.

          "Poor old Snuffles."

—Ron, on Sirius living off rats

        I would never forget the time in Azkaban. It is a place worse than hell. In hell, people are in pain still they are desperate to leave, they are hoping something, but in Azkaban, there is no hope, only coldness, darkness and walking-dead.

This is a place easily making people crazy. I saw many people came in normal or even proud, like those stupid Death Eaters, feeling proud as they got in there because of the loyalty they thought they got. However, after a while, the fire inside everyone dies, those who try to fight against got crazy, living in their fantasy.

I don’t even know how I got through that time. Maybe it’s because that I do not have desire and happiness to given away. Only hates, guilt, and sadness. Those creatures, they don't have eyes, they don't need them, all they need is the air of hopelessness and fear, which give them power.

Day and day, I live a life like this, eating, sleeping, thinking, trying to stay clear. There is no positive thing in my life, darkness and isolation. I know I am different from the others, those crazy and dirty people, I have to stay awake.

I didn’t stand up for myself, because I felt guilt. I thought Pettigrew was died and he got what he deserved! I’m really sorry, James. I shouldn’t let you change Secret-Keeper, I thought Pettigrew would be like us, would rather die than betray his friend. I regard that decision every day.

After 13 years in Azkaban, I heard that Pettigrew was not died. He created his own death scene and set me up for the betrayal. He used a Blasting Curse, killing twelve Muggles in the process, the huge explosion on the street enabling him to fake his own death and escape in his Animagus form, leaving a severed finger behind as evidence of his death. Everyone believed it, I believed it. However, it is not like that, he is now living in his Animagus form with the Weasleys, most importantly, with Harry.

I must not make another mistake and should explore this to the light, to let Harry know that his godfather, his father’s best man and best friend did not betray him. So I am planning on escape, it is going to be hard, no one ever done it before. But that’s what we do, do the things that are impossible for others, do the things that have never been done before.

Those stupid life-sucking creatures cannot sense animals, so I may escape using my Animagus.

I would be there for Harry this time, as his godfather, his friend, and his family.

Wish me good luck, dear Lily and James.

I can do this, I have to do this.

                       Sirius: "What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard that ever existed? Only innocent lives, Peter!"

Peter Pettigrew: "You don’t understand! He would have killed me, Sirius!"

Sirius: "THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED! DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!"

— Sirius confronting Peter in regards to his betrayal

                                 To Sirius:

When can I return Ur motorbike? It’s been over 15 years! When and where should I give it to U? or maybe u would let me keep it?

 From Hagrid

              This is the first time that there is prisoner escape from Azkaban, the most horrible prison in the world. According to someone working in that department in Ministry of Magic, it is guarded by Dementors, one of the most horrifying, dangerous, and mysterious creatures.

 Here is our wanted man: 

  Famous in both Magic world and Muggles’ world. Known as “The

most dangerous wanted man.” Wanted man indeed! Look how handsome he is when he is young, even on the wanted picture!

 Here is some background information on Sirius Black:

Born:

3 November, 1959

England, Great Britain

Blood status:

Pure-blood

Marital status:

Single

  In prison for the charge of murder 12 Muggles, explore identity to the Muggles, causing the death of James Potter and Lily Potter, and suspicious Death Eater.

 (Reported by Rita Skeeter)

                  Dear Padfoot,

Thank you for being there with me when it was full moon, also Prongs and Wormtail.

And I’m truly sorry that I thought you betrayed James and Lily. I should believe in you that you’d never do that. Just there was no evidence that Pettigrew was still alive, so I did not believe. I am really sorry, Sirius.

Us, the Marauders, are the most meaningful thing in my life. Werewolf is not usually easily accepted as friend or classmate, even my family was scared of me, but you guys are not. Thank you again.

To be fair, you and James are the most talented people I’ve ever seen. Smart, gifted, and brave, nothing seems impossible to you. Thank god I’m a werewolf, or I may be left far behind you guys, I mean Animagus! That’s something even most professors cannot do. Anyway, we were the most loved and hated people back in our day at Hogwarts, because we got the talent and rude, I have to say.

Harry is doing alright, just he won’t talk. I guess you are the only one he’d like to talk to and now, well, you are also gone. I promise I would take good care of him, the best I can do.

He wants to join the Order. I know you would support him, so I did not stop him, through according to me; I am not sure if he really understands what does that responsibility means and if he is ready to face death. But he is the son of James and the godson of you! He got that sprit, talent, and bravery inside him. He got his own believe and things he worth fighting for. I would support him, like what you and James would do.

I’m doing alright, Severus is still making me Wolfsbane Potion every month, he is doing ok as well, as usual.

Give the Potters my regard, and Severus’ to Lily.

We all miss you.

Love,

Moony

         Remus: "...he thought I was the spy, Peter. I assume that's why you didn't tell me, Sirius?"

Sirius Black: "Forgive me, Remus."

Remus: "Not at all, Padfoot, old friend. And will you forgive me for believing you were the spy?"

Sirius Black: "Of course."

— Reflecting on the First Wizarding War

                                 "Sirius was a brave, clever, and energetic man, and such men are not usually content to sit at home in hiding while they believe others to be in danger."

He is a great friend, a brave fighter, an intelligent student, a trouble-maker, a good man, and most importantly to you, Harry, he is the best godfather.

                  TO Snuffles:

Please reply only when you are safe.

We have to send another owl rather than Hedwig because he is too easy to be recognized.

 Hope you are doing well. Tell me what we can bring to you next time we visit. I guess some well-cooked food would be nice.

 We are all very worry about you, please do not try to leave the place you can be safe and unfound. We would go find you, using the invisible coat.

 No matter what you heard, do not explore yourself to anyone. We’d be alright; we can deal with things on our own.

 Please don’t be too worry about us. Harry is doing fine, he miss you a lot, we do as well. He wants to talk to you very much, but I told him to wait till you have been certain that you are safe. So please reply only when you are safe. We all want to be absolutely safe. And please do not rash, we don’t want to lose you, and Harry can’t afford to lose you again.

 Sorry for being annoying, but safety is the most important thing for all of us under such a special time. So please never try to find us in your Animgus form, don’t let us be worry about you.

 Keep in contact, and don’t give up. Greet Buckbeak for us.  

  We all love you.

 PS: Pigwidgeon would bite, and he might be a little noiscy. (Ron)

Love,

    "You really are the brightest witch of your age." —Sirius to Hermione after she and Harry rescued him from receiving the Dementor's Kiss in 1994

                  Dear Sirius,

How are you doing? I miss you a lot.

My scar never hurts anymore since the end of war, I’m doing fine. I married Ginny, and we had 2 sons and a daughter. I named my big boy after you and my father, James Sirius Potter. I hope he can get both of your sprits inside him. The bravery, caring, loving, and loyalty, everything I learnt from you, I would like him to understand them as well.

I know you must be guilty by leaving me so early. You haven’t made it to your promise, to give me another home, to live with you in another place. Don’t be. Because no matter what, you are still the most important man to me, you said you are my godfather, but I take you as my father, my brother, and my friend. You are my real family when I thought I belonged nowhere, and I believe there would never be anyone willing to live on rats just to make sure I’m safe while he is in much more dangerous than I did.

I cannot remember my parents, but it was you and Lupin who brought them alive to me. The stories you’ve told me about your youth, and what you and Professor Smape brought up during your arguments. Everyone said that I look exactly like my dad, and owned my mom’s eyes, but you are the only one who let me believe I have them inside me. And now, also some parts of you, I believe.

12 Grimmauld Place is still left empty, Kreacher still lives in there, I bet he doesn’t want company and I don’t need a house elf, so I let him do whatever he want in that house. I once hated Kreacher, I thought you died because of him giving information to Voldemort, but Professor Dumbledore talked to me later, about our relationship and your death. I can’t help myself to blame myself through I knew he’s right.

He said: "Like the fact that the person Sirius cared most about in the world was you. Like the fact that you were coming to regard Sirius as a mixture of father and brother. Voldemort knew already, of course, that Sirius was in the Order, that you knew where he was, but Kreacher’s information made him realise that the one person whom you would go to any lengths to rescue, was Sirius Black."

I lived through all those troubles, heart-breakings, and death. Your words are still on my mind every day, to remind me of the loved ones.

You said, after all that was over, we can be together. You didn’t break your promise, you did it, because you also said the ones who love us never really leave us, you can always find them in my heart.

You said you didn’t belong to your family, and neither did I when I met you. So you are my family, you give me somewhere I felt I belong, that is whenever I spent time with you.

You have always been the most important man to me.

I love you, Sirius. And I miss you so much.

Lots of love,

           "I never betrayed Lily and James. I would have died before I betrayed them."

—Sirius trying to convince Harry of the truth in 1994

  "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

—Sirius giving advice to Harry

  " Come on, you can do better than that!... And Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once-handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind and then fell back into place."

—Sirius' last words and death by falling through the veil

  Harry Potter: "Does it hurt?"

Sirius: "Dying? Not at all. Quicker and easier than falling asleep."

— Sirius' spirit speaks to Harry through the Resurrection Stone

  "We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

— Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

  "This is how it is — this is why you're not in the Order — you don't understand — there are things worth dying for!"

— Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

  "Well, [bad] times like that bring out the best in some people and the worst in others."

— Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

  "The ones who love us never really leave us, you can always find them in here."

— Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

  "What's life without a little risk?"

— Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

  "Then you should have died! Died, rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you."

— Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

      Some Words from Author

I am so sorry that the format, word styles, word sizes, etc. cannot be changed here. This is one of my proudest work, I even draw “The Marauder's Map” when I was creating this biography. Again this was a school project, but when I decided to write about Sirius Black, one of my favorite characters, from the best series ever created ---- Harry Potter ---- this was no longer a project to be, it was a creation.

I spent a week working on this creation ---- doing all the research I could do, rereading the books, reviewing the movies ---- just to be respectful and recreate the life of Sirius Black as accurate as I can. Instead of writing plainly  about his life, I chose to use letters from different people sent to him to reflect different period of his life. I studied characters’ signature to make sure the word style I chose matches their handwriting; I analysis the characters’ personalities and acted in them when I am writing from their perspectives; I found out the meaningful being existed in Sirius Black’s life and quote their reflections on each other. This is the most meaningful thing I created so far. I love it.

[ihavenolifetbh-blog]

                     SHREK                                       Written by                                William Steig & Ted Elliott                                     SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK               ��         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!             �� Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                       �� Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.