#(not the brother i usually discuss history with which is what made this weird)

[fictionadventurer]

With all this history reading, I have to be very careful not to let it spill over into interactions with ordinary people.

I had a slow moment at work the other day, during which I started thinking about various prominent 19th-century politicians who never became president (as you do). Then I went out by a coworker and I was so close to blurting out (to someone with whom I have never had the slightest personal conversation), "What do you think would have happened if by some miracle Stephen Douglas won the 1860 election?"

Thankfully, I caught myself just in time. But this just proves what a vital role you guys play in giving me an outlet for this stuff in a way that lets me preserve my veneer of sanity.

[sqbr]

My initial gut response to this was that even if it doesn't work as a deterrent it can keep some really dangerous people off the streets, but then I thought about that some more and...

My mother's brother was a serial sexual predator with a history of violence and theft who went to prison for sexual assault. He was, separately, visibly mentally ill, looking and acting like a stereotypical Weird Homeless Man. Which obviously isn't ACTUALLY the same as being dangerous, but does get read that way, and in this case by coincidence he was dangerous. And even then the Australian justice system did very little to protect anyone from him.

Cut for long discussion of dark topics.

Mum said at his trial it felt like the prosecution settled for sexual assault because while he did rape the woman they wouldn't be able to get that conviction.

The time he spent in prison was a relief for us from the lifelong worry that he would show up and be awful to us and any other nearby people. As someone who leans towards prison abolition, this caused me some mixed feelings.

But that time was like...a year, coming near the end of his 70-odd years of life, when age made him slip up enough to get caught. Even ignoring any harm he may have done to his fellow inmates, being in prison did nothing to save anyone or change his behaviour in the years before or after. I am not aware of there being any systems in place to try and mitigate future harm once he was released.

I don't think my family handled the situation perfectly by any means (HA), but we did generally acknowledge him as a dangerous person and try to protect people from him, and even though he was known to social services and the justice department for decades, I am not aware of there being any systems in place to mitigate the harm he did to others that we could have engaged with. If he wasn't actively being convicted of a crime (and he was usually able to successfully toe that line) they at best very vaguely cared about making sure he was fed and housed, and were so bad at that my family had to constantly make sure he didn't starve to death.

My mum tried to warn people when she could, including social workers etc, and the way she tells it people's general reaction was either "how dare you be so mean about your own brother" or "Right, he sucks because he's crazy", and I can only assume that if he wasn't mentally ill it would have just been the first reaction, and he would have managed to stay out of prison entirely. Unlike most serial predators, he had little social power to silence his critics or avoid punishment, and people were more likely to believe the worst of him (for unrelated bigoted reasons) and he still caused untold harm and there wasn't much anyone could do to stop him.

And of all the many sexual predators I have encountered in my life, this is by far the most helpful the prison system has ever been at protecting anyone from any of them. Even when it comes to the victim who pressed charges, I'm sure she was glad her case succeeded, but I'm also sure she would have much preferred being protected from him somehow before that. I'm not sure what that protection would have looked like, but the system didn't even try. It didn't care enough to even begin to try.

In the end the only thing that stopped him was death. Surely we as a society can do better than that.

And no, extended and more broadly applied sentences for sexual assault would absolutely not fix this problem. I have trouble being very sympathetic to my uncle despite the fact that he clearly did suffer a lot of ableism during his life, but even I don't think he should have been murdered or arrested for life as a mentally ill teen with a poor grasp of sexual boundaries, and anything less than isn't full protection, even if we again ignore the potential harm done to and by him in prison. And of course plenty of people caught in that net would be entirely innocent, while most actual predators would manage to stay free.

My abusive ex boyfriend was also a repeat sexual predator, and he started in childhood, as a result of his own trauma. Again, I find it hard to be very sympathetic, but I can't see any way prison could have protected others from him that isn't utterly unconscionable.

I was going to try to come up with a conclusion but I need to stop thinking about this now! Sorry if I have missed some obvious caveats etc, it's not easy to talk about, but it's such a powerful example I wanted to share it.

Extremely tired of ppl tryna dunk on prison abolition by being like "well what are we gonna do with all the rapists then huh"

[darkacademicfrom2021]

All flavours of wrong (part 1)

Masterlist Part 2

Pairing: Loki x Reader (gender neutral) (reader gets called princess and Queen mockingly, but it can have no gender connotations, just as in a joke).

Summary: You got an arranged marriage with the firstborn prince of Asgard, inheritor of the crown, God of Thunder. But your heart has other plans, that your brain cannot yet comprehend. And on Loki’s side it’s not getting easy either.

Word count: 4.5K

Warnings: Sexual tension (a lot). And honestly not much more? Mentions of blood.

I used prompt #293 and prompt #279 from @creativepromptsforwriting to take me out of a block, so thank you so much to this page, it’s incredibly useful! I recommend all writers to check it out.

“Thor”, whispered Loki. But since his four failed attempts at calling him discreetly went wrong, he stepped on his foot under the table, making him spill wine all over his trousers.

“For Gods’ sake, brother, what do you want?”.

“Well, finally. Are you ignoring me? I’ve been trying to get your attention all dinner”.

“Yes, of course I’ve been ignoring you”, said as if it were obvious. It wasn’t.

“Why?”, Loki asked, trying to not sound hurt.

“You know why”, muttered under his breath, faking a smile when his gaze met his mother’s. “And shut up, we’re not supposed to talk if Allfather is not here yet”.

“Look, if it’s because I set on fire your History books, get over it, it’s not like you were doing great with that anyways”.

“You… you did what? It was you?”.

“Yes, of course. Oh, you didn’t know. Well, what are you ignoring me for, then? Ah, I know. Is it because I broke the…”.

“How many things of mine have you been destroying lately?”, Thor raised his voice slightly.

“Boys, enough”, interrupted Frigga. “Cut it off, your Father will be here soon”.

The siblings went back to their plates, and Loki kept stealing glances at his brother, trying to figure out what was wrong. Thor was nervous; his leg kept bouncing and bouncing, he barely touched his food (which was very suggestive, given that he usually ate it all in two mouthfuls), and he was refilling his cup with the strongest wine of the table, as if he needed to loosen up for something. Loki decided it was better off to just pay attention to what would come next. It was evident his Father would be bringing the thing that made Thor so nervous.

And then it hit him; it was already June.

The previous year Odin announced the possibility of an arranged marriage to whoever was winning on the competition for the throne, if he hadn't gotten anywhere near a possible royal companion. Thor was winning, by far; of course. And he didn’t show any partner, or even the possibility of a future partner, so no wonder why he was so nervous.

Loki went back to his plate, not sure how to feel. Annoyed, that was for sure. He knew he wasn’t going to be King (at least not until his brother died, if he didn’t die first), but the preparations for his inheritance got there faster than he expected. It was all too quick. And the disappointment grew bigger the more he thought of it. His father was not even giving him the chance to get better in the competition, and instead he just assumed it was Thor who’d win. Frustrating. Obvious, but still frustrating.

The doors opened and a young and bright warrior followed the footsteps of Odin. He, with a smile from ear to ear, waited until getting the attention of everyone, and, directly looking into Thor’s eyes, introduced you with your full name and current social status. Loki couldn’t stop staring with his lips slightly parted.

That was it. That was what annoyed him the most. His brother got to marry that.

He just couldn’t believe his eyes. He blinked fast to see if there was something deceiving his perception, if maybe his whole family arranged a joke to him, if maybe that little warrior was an illusion casted by his Mother to laugh at how unfortunate he must have been looking at that moment. At the moment he realized his brother was marrying the perfect partner for Loki. You were, at least in the physical sense, his literal type. He was baffled.

And that didn’t go unnoticed by Thor either, who stole a glance from him and chuckled mockingly. Loki went red of embarrassment and tried his best to hide from you, to avoid your gaze, but he just couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He felt hypnotized, and bothered. You didn’t look at him. You looked everywhere but him. You were amazed by the palace, by everyone around you. It was obvious you were not familiar with a royal life.

“You seem bewildered, brother”, Thor whispered in his ear.

“And you don’t seem as astonished as you should, brother”, he answered with levels of sarcasm in his tone he didn’t even know he had.

“I shouldn’t, this is merely formal”.

“You’re marrying them. It’s not entirely formal. It’s a whole future and family”, Loki discussed, but he knew his brother didn’t care about it enough. His brother didn’t even want the throne that badly, yet he was the one getting it. More and more frustration flowed through Loki’s veins. He kept staring at you with a frown. “Besides, look at that piece of art”.

He looked so tough, so serious, until you stared back. No, you didn’t even stare. You looked up and found his eyes. He quickly softened his expressions as you gifted him a gentle smile. His heart skipped a beat.

And just with a smile he knew, he was completely fucked.

Loki closed his eyes and shut his fists as hard as he could, trying to focus and concentrate only on what he was supposed to. The spell.

But you were looking, and it was hard.

A week passed by, and you were already living in the palace, bonding with your future husband and trying to learn as much as possible from the new life you would acquire once the wedding passed. You met him everywhere; in the halls, on the meals, on the trainings, on the classes; everywhere. He had no means to escape you. Nor did he want to. But he couldn’t get used to that horrible and sweet feeling of his chest getting tighter, face warmer and balance unsteadier when he saw you.

“You’ve got this, Loki. We’ve been over this”, Frigga said from the other side of the training room. “Just remember what we practiced yesterday”. But the only thing Loki remembered from yesterday was when he was trying to train that same spell and you were, at the same time, practicing your archery skills outside. Sweaty. Tired. Ecstatic. Smiley. Red.

He opened his eyes and dropped his arms, completely giving up. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do even a simple spell in front of you.

“What is it that’s distracting you so much, son? You have your head too full for this”, Frigga commented, getting closer to him.

“I’m simply tired, Mother. Don’t worry about it, had a poor night of sleep”.

“Well, get it together for this afternoon. We’re trying again after you get some rest, alright?”.

“Yes, Mother”.

You weren’t paying much attention to the conversation prince Loki and the Queen had. You were way too focused on how uncomfortable the clothes you had to wear were in you. You could barely breathe, and had to fix your posture to avoid choking. Besides, you could feel prince Thor’s eyes on you, and somehow it made you extremely uncomfortable.

You knew you would marry him. Then why couldn’t you at least fake a little bit of interest in him?

You redirected your attention to prince Loki, once again, and the corset was not the only thing that made your breathing harder. Gods, and for the Nine Realms, the prince’s training clothes were something else. Not even compared to Thor’s tank top and weird-looking shorts; Loki’s were almost made exactly for him and his silhouette. Black leather pants and top covering him almost entirely, tight even where it shouldn’t be that tight. Gold endings everywhere and little patterns in his long sleeves and trousers; details that only made it harder for you to not look. But you didn’t even know where to look, if you looked.

Well, you knew exactly where you should’ve been looking. To your side. The blonde and huge man with the big hammer that promised you a crown, a throne and a good place for your family to live in.

You shook your head, and got up to make yourself some tea, hoping the wrong thoughts would fall off your brain and you’d finally come to your senses.

Once you made it to the kitchen, you realized you shouldn’t have gotten there by your own. Unable to get used to the fact that if you wanted some tea you should ask for the maids to make it for you (as with everything, even the clothes you would wear, the foods you’d eat, the way the bed should be made, and an infinite etcetera), you ignored it and put the kettle on the fire.

You tried to reach for the tea box on the countertop, and stood on your toes, failing to even touch it with the tips of your fingers. As you turned around to look for a chair to climb to, you blundered against the God of Mischief’s chest.

“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry”, he apologized, taking a step back. “I was about to get the tea box for you”. You felt yourself completely red.

“It’s… it’s fine, thank you. I’m sorry” you stuttered nervously, with the echoing feeling of his torso against your arms and chest, making you blush even more. You wondered if he did that accidentally.

He smirked slightly and reached for the box effortlessly, making deep eye contact. Was he… was he flirting, somehow? you asked yourself. No, of course he wasn’t. That would be a hundred percent inappropriate, and he was completely appropriate and polite all the time. Even when he shouldn’t have. So, what was that about? Did he usually look at people like that?

“Breaking some rules, I see?”, he added after a painful minute of silence in where you chose the tea and mug. You turned around and realized he was still staring.

“What?”.

“You shouldn’t be the one making the tea, you know”.

“Yes, I know”, you answered calmly, trying to not show the tremble in your voice. Just the presence of that God in the same room made you feel… tiny. Weak. Maybe in a good way. No, definitely in a bad way; he shouldn’t be making you feel anything, for that matter. “And we shouldn’t be in the same room all alone”.

“Are you kicking me out?”.

“Just stating a fact”.

“Hm”.

“And offering you some illegal tea”.

He smiled. You were way too good for Thor, he thought. You would be bored if you married him. You had the trouble spark in your eyes and Loki was the perfect companion for that. It was so evident you were made for each other; then why would his parents think you would be better off with Thor? He was still clueless at how they could’ve made such an imprudent and blind decision.

“I’d love to, princess”.

You chuckled. “Princess? Really?”.

“Not good?”.

“No”. He lowered his gaze and put a strand of hair behind an ear. “Which kind would you like?”.

He stepped closer to you; so much closer that you could feel his slow breathing grazing your forehead. You tried your best to not rise your head and sink in his sharp features. He grabbed with two fingers a tea bag from the box you were holding. Your hands were trembling slightly. He then got a little bit closer (even though you didn’t think that was possible), slowly stretched his arm and picked up a mug that was conveniently behind you. As soon as he stepped away, you realized you held your breath the whole time.

“Are you alright? You look nervous”, he mocked, which only made you even more embarrassed.

“I suggest you stay in your place, prince Loki”, you said, trying to get back to reality. It was not okay. You could not flirt in any way or form with your future husband’s brother. Wrong. Wrong! All flavours of wrong.

“Suggestion denied”, he said with the same troublesome smirk from before, that still hadn’t wiped off his face. “And you can call me Loki”.

“I will not”, you said, filling his mug with the boiling water. “And you’ll call me by my full name, as you should”.

“You know, in our actual position… you should be the one recieving my orders”, he said, lowering his already deep voice. You swallowed, but tried to keep a determined and confident look on your face.

“Which are...?”. You knew you’d regret even asking, but he was right. He still was your prince, and you still were a mere warrior. He raised an eyebrow.

“Call me Loki”.

“Or?”.

“Well…”, he whispered raspily. You felt he was about to step closer to you again, but the voice of one of his tutors interrupted his flirting.

“What on the Realm are you two doing in here without an escort?”.

“Terribly sorry”, you muttered while you rapidly left the kitchen. Loki stood there, observing you leave and sighed. His tutor looked at him with disapproval and he simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled innocently.

But he had already decided, you were going to be his.

You couldn’t help but to wander the palace as much as you could. The place was enormous and nothing compared to anything you’ve seen before. You only knew the tiny houses you grew up in Asgard, and the occasional visit to other Realm’s palace in the middle of a battle.

But you had to be careful. Nobody would approve you nosing everywhere, much less at those hours of the night. But, well, it was the perfect time, because the palace would not only be empty, but also illuminated by only the soft glimmering of the candlelights. It was gorgeous.

You roamed around through the hallways, until the sharp sound of a fall stopped you dead on your tracks. The sound was followed by an “ugh, fuck” from a particularly familiar voice, and your curiosity grew bigger. What was prince Loki doing at those hours in… the library, was it? You thought, as you tried to read the sign in the doorframe. All signs had to be in old Norse, of course. And you could barely speak it, let alone read it in the dark.

Peeping from the entrance, you got to see what the prince was doing. With a big and dusty book on one hand and a frown in his face, he was trying to make a pile of books from the floor levitate.

He shut his eyes close and once again, pointed at the books with the palm of his hand. A green light surrounded the objects and two of the three books got suspended in the air. With effort, prince Loki pushed harder upwards to make the third book levitate too, but soon got tired and the rest of the pile fell to the wooden floor again, making the same sound that brought you there in the first place.

He then left the open book he was holding over one of the tables and tried again, this time with both of his hands. In around five minutes he got to make the three books fly above his head, as if they were dancing. His eyes glittered and an ear-to-ear smile lit his face. You’ve never seen him smile so innocently, so childishly before.

How adorable, you thought, as you leaned on the doorframe. But the smile on his face got interrupted when you sloped wrongly over the door and fell down with a sound that felt more like a scream than a subtle gasp.

Loki ran to see where that sound came from, and found your flustered face on his feet, trying your best to not look too embarrassed by the fact that you were hovering, or even spying on him.

“May I help you with something, princess?”, he held your hand to help you up, but didn’t let it out when you were already on your feet.

“Thank you. And, please, don’t call me princess”, you said, freeing yourself of his hand.

“‘Please, don’t call me princess’? Darling, you’re begging for the wrong things in here”. You got chills from the seductive tone of his voice, and tried to ignore it through a laugh. There was nothing else to do but to hope he wouldn’t notice how blushed you’d gotten.

“It’s not appropriate that you keep flirting with me, Mischief”.

“I like that nickname”.

“Did you even listen to me?”.

“Yes, I know. You don’t want me to flirt with you because you’re afraid of being inappropriate. But, between us, which one was the one stalking the other one in the middle of the night?”.

“I wasn’t stalking. I was simply observing and hoping you wouldn’t notice”.

“That’s the dictionary definition of stalking, my dear”.

You sighed. There was no point in arguing with him. He would know if you lied; and that’s probably why he kept flirting. Because he knew you didn’t mean it when you corrected him. You liked it. You truly enjoyed it.

“What are you doing?”, you asked after a while, pointing at the floating books that were now almost touching the roof.

“I really need to focus for this one in particular. If I need silence and emptiness, this place and time are usually a good idea. Unless, of course, there’s a little spy falling off the doorframe”.

“Sorry about that”, you chuckled, and he smirked.

“It’s fine, I basically finished it anyways”.

“Looks like you mastered it, though”, you complimented. Loki looked at you with a little smile.

“Well, I…”. He was about to answer you, but you reached out for a strand of hair on his face and moved it behind his ear. The books fell off abruptly, and Loki did his best to cover you from their impact, covering your whole body with an embrace. He didn’t let go of the hug, but looked at your face with shame. “I’m truly sorry. I got.. surprised, I guess”.

“Don’t worry. And sorry, didn’t mean to make you nervous”.

“Nervous?”.

“Or surprised, whatever”.

“You’re right, though”. He smiled gently once more and lowered his gaze. “You make me feel things, little warrior”.

“Prince Loki, you really shouldn’t…”.

“I can say it, you don’t need to answer it”. You sighed and gave him a knowing look. “If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I’ll stop. If not, let me flirt with you. I don’t need you to flirt back”. You laughed at his proposition and he stared, waiting for a confirmation.

“Fine. But don’t call me princess. You make it sound diminishing”.

“As you wish, my Queen”.

“Oh my God”.

“Precisely”.

You both giggled and tried to keep it down just in case somebody else was awake. The moonlight making its way through the gigantic windows of the library were the only lightning, and the sharp features of the God became even more fascinating by the contrast. His eyes looked deeper. Or maybe it was the way he looked at you with them. You felt naked at his eye, and maybe not in a bad sense.

"What are you thinking about?", he asked after a while. You were both in silence, contemplating each other. Oddly, it wasn't uncomfortable. With Thor, on the other hand, you only felt uncomfortability; even if it wasn't an awkward situation, you knew you were not welcomed by him. Maybe not even his friendship.

"I'm… I think I should get going".

"Why?" he asked, and immediately grabbed your hand. "Stay".

"It's late. Thor might awake and not find me there".

"So?".

"Let's not cause a scandal, Mischief. I have to do what I have to do".

"Maybe you don't have to", he insisted, and you rolled your eyes. With a sigh, he let go off your hand. "I understand. I know you'll be better off like this".

"Yes, I will", you said, faking confidence. Maybe it was your sleep deprived brain that couldn't see right, maybe it was the sudden urge to do what you wanted instead of what you needed; either way, you lingered your way out.

He waited for you to go, but you stayed a little longer, delaying the sneaking back to bed with the man you didn't want to be with. You just needed one reason, only one reason to stay.

"Good night, darling", he said after a while. He knew better than to ruin your future and reputation for his selfish desires. He didn’t want to let you go, he wanted you to be his and only his. But he knew better than to make you a part of his brotherly quarrels. He appreciated you enough to keep you out of it.

"Good night, Loki".

He smiled as you walked away. As much as he shouldn’t have, he got you to call him by just his name.

Not even two weeks passed by and everyone around him already suspected the obvious; the mischievous and rebellious brother was trying to make Thor’s partner fall in love with him. What not everyone knew was that it was completely working.

The stolen glances from up the shoulders in every meeting, every dinner, every event. The long walks around the Gardens, talking about literature, magic and general life. The trainings in one-to-one combat with him that lasted a bit longer than with the rest of the trainers. And you couldn’t help but smile at everything he said or did; it was so much harder than one could think, to hide such thing from Queen Frigga; she saw it all and knew better than everyone in romance. She also knew better than anyone both of her sons, and it was evident how they both felt about you. Because Thor’s stone cold indifference wasn’t one to go unnoticed as well.

In dinner, Loki was again sitting by Thor’s side, and couldn’t help but to chatter about the subject that bothered him so much.

“They’s late, brother; you’ll marry a terribly mannered warrior”, he mocked. Thor rolled his eyes and contraatacked.

“At least I’m marrying them”.

“You say it as if I wanted to”.

“Please”, Thor scoffed.

“Marriage is a boundary. I merely desire them”.

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to hold their hand from the Throne, or to put a crown on their head”, mocked Thor. Loki sushed him, because he was completely right. Loki would’ve loved to gently caress your hair and kiss your pink cheeks, to fidget with your ring as he held you in the mornings and nights. Gods, he was lost.

“I do not, anyways. But if you plan on borrowing me wedding night and spare you the annoyance you’d feel by bedding them… I agree”.

“Will you keep on making sexual jokes to avoid real feelings all your life or do you grow up after the 1100 year?”.

You opened the door and got in with your head low and breathing unsteady, embarrassed and apologizing. The princes stopped the chattering and followed you with their eyes. Loki didn’t even hide his expressions of pure and raw desire. Your hair was a disaster, and you were still in your ripped warrior clothes, covered in mud, blood and scratches. The dagger strapped to your thigh was, too, covered in blood.

“Hot”, said Loki, unintentionally louder than he should have. Dear, he loved when you looked like a threatening mess.

“What?”, you asked in a breath, still agitated.

“Eh, hold. Hold the door, I meant”, he corrected himself (everyone was looking, even the guests, and he knew better than to be that inappropriate on certain occasions). But you knew exactly what he said and smirked slightly, just enough for him to notice.

“You were saying… you didn’t want to?”, whispered Thor just before Loki got up and walked through the tables. He didn’t even know what he wanted to do, but if he said ‘hold the door’ he had to keep it verosimil, didn’t he?

As he walked past you, slowing down, he whispered “library, tonight”. And then left the dining room, leaving an even more blushed you to imagine what could he possibly want from you. And your imagination was not precisely innocent.

You took a deep breath and held it for a minute before getting inside. After wandering around the bookshelves, you noticed the room was still empty. Maybe too early? It was barely midnight. Everyone was already asleep and the Palace was, as every night, dead silent.

You sat on the couch and caressed the texture with the tip of your fingers. Was he coming? Did he say it just to make you blush in lunch? Perhaps he was messing with you. He was the God of Lies and Mischief after all, wasn’t he?

After ten minutes you stood up and decided to look for something to read. You wouldn’t be able to sleep anyways, so might as well make the most of the night; with or without prince Loki.

You walked slowly, reading carefully every title. If something had your attention, you’d read it on that beautiful velvet couch, in front of the fireplace. Even grab a mug of coffee, to keep you up until you finish your readings. The plan sounded marvelous, but you couldn’t help but to feel disappointed you wouldn’t spend the night with him.

You weren’t expecting to actually get physical, of course. He was not your fiancé and would never be. He was barely a lover. Not even that. He was the man you loved and desired, yes. But merely platonic. It wouldn’t go any further. It couldn’t go any further.

But you were expecting to have that precious alone time he gifted you in the nights, where everything was off and both of you were the only flame alive in the whole Kingdom. The glances he threw at you, the smiles he drew to let you know you were appreciated; you were wanted, you were loved by him.

As you reached for one of the books, a bigger hand wrapped around yours and the book, making you gasp.

“Hello”, he whispered in your ear, earning a shiver from you. Just that, he didn’t need to do any more than that to set on all your alarms and get your face redder and hotter than ever.

You turned around and smiled. He didn’t move away; in fact, he raised both his arms to your sides and locked you between him and the bookshelf.

“Seems like you won’t let me go away, won’t you?”.

“I don’t think you would even if I gave you the opportunity”.

“And how are you so sure about that?”.

“You came here, as I asked you to”.

“So?”.

“Are you actually going to play dumb?”.

You both laughed slightly, still not wanting to make a single noise. He got a few inches closer, and you did too. You raised a hand and fondled his hair. Moved your hand all the way from up his ear to down his neck. He slowly slipped down one hand to your waist and the other one to your collarbone, making the same deep eye contact he made with such lust; that desire he always looked at you, but amplified to a hundred and ten percent.

Now both of your hands were cupping his face. He was warm. And smiley. And… God, gorgeous. Godly gorgeous, as he always was. You traced with your fingers his cheekbones, his jaw, his neck. You sighed.

“May I kiss you?” He whispered, getting even closer. His breathing was slow and you could feel it on your face. His question was barely audible, yet so strongly loud to you.

May he kiss you? May you kiss him? You weren’t supposed to be even that close with him. You weren’t allowed. You shouldn’t look at him the way you did. Or touch him the way you wanted to. But there he was, asking to kiss you. And you had no other words in your vocabulary else than;

“Please”.

[strangerthings4theories]

S3 Is Billy’s Superhero Origin Story - Not The END Of His Story

If you’ve been following my meta, you’ll know I’m in the middle of a discussion of Billy as the mythological “god-king” who dies and lives again. Well, in my next post, I was going to compare him to the three brother-gods of Greek mythology (Zeus, Poseidon, Hades). However, I need to bring up an important point first.

Stranger Things has already raised Billy to “god” status. 

The show is about superheroes - El, Kali, and others like them - facing off against the forces of evil. And superheroes are often modern-day gods with god-like powers. A few are lifted directly from ancient mythology (Thor, Loki, etc). Sometimes, if they aren’t full-fledged gods, they have gods for parents, making them demigods (such as Wonder Woman, who’s the daughter of Zeus in the recent movies).

In S3, Billy becomes a superhero. By becoming a superhero, he becomes a demigod. And, as I’ll explain, the Duffers have already tied that to his resurrection.

>>Explore the definition of “demigod,” and we run headlong into Billy.

When we look up “demigod,” Google comes back with this:

a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.

If we look up lists of demigods in mythology, we get some interesting results, like the Greco-Roman Hercules. Hercules was known for his incredible strength (!!), as well for performing The Twelve Labors of Hercules. Among these are slaying the Nine-Headed Hydra and the Nemean Lion.

Oh look it’s Hercules vs. the Hydra/Lion. I’d say Lion because killing it was the first labor of Hercules. Also the Mind Flayer doesn’t have nine symbolic heads yet, that’s probably coming in a future season

Because of his association with the Nemean Lion, Hercules is often depicted in ancient art as wearing a lion skin:

In Roman works of art and in Renaissance and post-Renaissance art, Hercules can be identified by his attributes, the lion skin and the gnarled club (his favorite weapon); in mosaic he is shown tanned bronze...

Gosh. Where have I seen that before?

Damn. A quick Google search about demigods, and we’re already knocking on Billy’s door. I haven’t even talked about him as a superhero yet ;_;

>>Superheroes could be considered modern demigods.

Like I said in the intro, superheroes often embody the “demigod” archetype. They’re gifted with powers that put them a cut above the average human. Some even have explicitly divine origins. This gives them a striking similarity to the demigods of old myths, such as Perseus, Achilles, and our favorite lion-killer, Hercules.

Isn’t it weird how Billy looks like Perseus and Achilles and Hercules though

>>Billy’s S3 storyline mimics a superhero origin story.

Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes Spiderman. Eddie Brock is possessed by an alien symbiote and becomes Venom. Billy Hargrove is possessed by an interdimensional monster and becomes... well, Billy Hargrove, but with the added bonuses of superstrength and super-healing.

One article I read has a line about Eddie Brock in The Amazing Spider-Man (1988) that I find especially eerie:

The symbiote enhances Brock's strength and endurance, and since the guy was already addicted to working out, the result is almost equal to Spider-Man in raw power.

Hi there, Billy. How ya’ doin today.

The same article points out that, over his 40-year history, Venom has slowly morphed from a villain to an anti-hero. Look up the definition of anti-hero and you get this:

The term anti-hero has been provided to those who act as superheroes for some time and villains for another. It is not a surprise that fans usually like anti-heroes more due to their rebellious nature...

Oh look. It’s Billy’s trajectory from S2 (villain) to S3 (a villain who becomes an anti-hero). But I’m sure that’s a total accident. Wanna bet he’ll go from “anti-hero” to straight up “hero” in future seasons

But it gets better...

>>The Duffers have already told us S3 is Billy’s superhero origin (!) story.

In the first scene of S3 Ep 4, Max and El are hanging out in Max’s room. Max shows El two comic books and asks, “Which one?” 

I don’t know about you, but that bit always gave me a weird vibe. It’s just one of those things that seems... purposeful... like it has a hidden meaning. So, following my instincts, I took a closer look at the scene.

Y’all.

Y’all.

Look at the comic books.

On one side, we have Wonder Woman. On the other side, we have the Green Lantern. Framed this way, they’re presented to us as dueling opposites. or a superhero dream team, but that’s for future seasons

Wonder Woman is El. The scene tells us this by having El ask about her. She’s drawn to her, sees herself in her.

The Green Lantern is Billy. In S3, he’s the opposing force to El’s Wonder Woman. Also, Green Lanterns draw their power from the aid of magic rings.

Huh. Interesting.

If you need more evidence, just juxtapose the comic book shot with this shot from Heather’s house:

Would you look at that. Max is in the middle, with Wonder Woman El on the left and the Green Lantern Billy on the right.

Furthermore, the Heather’s house shot happens at the end of Ep 3. In the very first scene of the next episode, we get the comic book shot. The juxtaposition in time suggests they’re linked.

Now look again at the Green Lantern comic book.

Origin issue.

Origin issue.

ORIGIN. ISSUE.

Are y’all seeing this.

Not only is Billy a superhero on par with El, he’s also coming back to kick ass. S3 was his origin story, not the end of it. The Duffers are telling us so.

The death and resurrection plotline shouldn’t surprise us. Superheroes die and come back all the time. Just check out this list of superheroes who have done exactly that. Batman, Captain America, Spiderman, Superman... seriously, it’s old hat by now. (The list notably includes Jean Grey, who I consider El’s X-Men alter ego. Kinda makes me think she’s gonna die and rise again too)

It makes sense that superheroes can cheat death. Like I explained, superheroes are basically demigods - humans who are more than human. 

What better way to show you’re more than human... than to beat the one enemy common to all humans everywhere?

»»————-　✼　————-««

P.S. Billy’s superhero status probably explains why he gets an El-and-Kali-style nosebleed in S2 ;) FORESHADOWING, BABY

Oh and I love the idea of Superhero Billy SO MUCH that I made a music video about it...

»»————-　✼　————-««

The “Billy Is Alive” Meta Series

[the-ghost-king]

Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)

More on delusions and hallucinations:

Now I want to state that lots of schizophrenia symptoms share a lot of commonalities with ADHD and with depression, so although I might include some moments you think are just ADHD/depression I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you but they could also be schizophrenia or coexisting mental health issues/divergences. I also went through the DSM-5 for schizophrenia (the DSM-5 is just this big book with lists and it’s how doctors diagnose any mental health issue/divergence), I also looked through the DSM-IV (an older book from before DSM-5 which is no longer really used) and the differences between the diagnosis was fairly minimal but they quit categorizing types of schizophrenia and instead rely more on a couple of word descriptions that seem more in line with a spectrum rather than a checkable box.

In order to receive a schizophrenia diagnosis, two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), and at least one of these symptoms must be (1), (2), or (3):

Delusions

Hallucinations

Disorganized speech (frequent derailment or incoherence)

Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

Negative symptoms (i.e., diminished emotional expression or avolition).

It’s important to note that only one of these need to be checked off/true if the patient has voices which narrate their actions/behaviors/thoughts or if the person has more than one voice conversing with each other.

Nico deals with auditory hallucinations (2), he believes the voice belongs to Bob, his titan friend he left in Tartarus:

However this isn’t and immediate diagnosis because Bob’s voice doesn’t talk to another voice(s) in Nico’s head, and we don’t know if Nico has voices running commentary on his behaviors/thoughts.

The reason I state we are unaware if Nico has commentary isn’t because Nico hasn’t said anything, but because many people with schizophrenia before their diagnosis believe the narrative voices are just their thoughts and are a normal internal monologue- usually patients don’t realize anything is wrong until the voices start providing commentary on their actions so instead of “washing the dishes now” the voice(s) might say “wash the dishes now, you’re so lazy you can’t do anything, idiot” during a period of psychosis which may help them acknowledge that the voice(s) isn’t the way most people experience internal voice(s). It is very possible Nico is unaware he is experiencing narrative thoughts and simply assumes that his experience is something most people have, but I won’t use this to argue my point because it’s not confirmation of anything.

Returning now to Bob, Nico knows he is hearing Bob’s voice but he believes Bob is calling to him from Tartarus. Now, Nico says the voices are calling to him from Tartarus but there’s no confirmation of this anywhere… What I think is happening is Nico has a guilty conscience. He feels bad for “using” Bob to get out of Tartarus and various other things, so he feels bad that he is still down there. However, we don’t really know if Bob is calling to him or if Bob is able to do that- what I personally think is happening here is Nico’s brain is convincing Nico that Bob needs him because Nico is upset with himself for not helping Bob more, but also because Nico has never “sat still” before without a quest. Nico has also always felt the want to be needed/important...

It very well could be a delusion.

Schizophrenic patients often experience delusions which make them think they are destined for greatness, or that they have some divine/high force calling out to them for help that only they can provide. It’s an extremely common thing in individuals who experience delusions, and is in fact one of the most common delusions experienced. So although Bob could really be calling out to Nico, I don’t think he is, it doesn’t entirely make sense and there’s lots of little things which point to it being not entirely real- like the fact that nobody else knows about it? Or how absolutely sure Nico is that he need to return to Tartarus? It seems like a mixture of PTSD, delusions, and trauma response (returning to the trauma), working against him. I’ll say delusion is very likely (1).

Using these two factors alone there’s sufficient evidence for diagnosis, but let’s keep going just to see.

For disorganized speech (3) this isn’t something Nico seems to struggle with, and even if he did “derailing” could be ADHD or Autism, so I don’t think this symptom pertains to him.

Changes in behavior (4), seem to all be explainable via depression and/or PTSD- he has begun to express emotion again in Tower of Nero upon learning of Jason’s death he is said to be upset by Will and he walks off to be alone, seems like depression to me. Emotional/Behavior changes from schizophrenia tend to relate more to bipolar disorder rather than a depressive disorder, so I would say if Nico has schizophrenia he probably doesn’t have emotional or behavioral changes from it. If he did he might have some catatonic behavior, but this seems to be clearing up some in Tower of Nero so I’m not super sure on that, maybe during bad periods of psychosis behavioral changes occur, but I would lean more towards this isn��t a symptom Nico personally deals with. Negative symptoms (5) tie into this same idea, it’s possible it’s schizophrenia, but it’s more likely PTSD or depression at work.

So why do I care so much about the possibility of Nico being schizophrenic?

I feel like canonically/fanonically making Nico schizophrenic does a few things, firstly schizophrenic rep in media is extremely extremely awful- can you think off the top of your head of a schizophrenic character who isn't from a horror film/a murder/a villain in their own story? Maybe, but personally I can only think of one which is Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower- and even then? That's not canon, it's only implied- and it might not even be true

Schizophrenic media representation always paints schizophrenic people as bad, scary, and evil, and although the horror genre is extremely well known for being super ableist, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic (just the final cherry on top) having one of the first- if not the first openly confirmed schizophrenic characters in children's media not only be someone who has lots of character development, and isn't a stereotype, but also be someone people have grown up with, cared for, and sympathized with- would be extremely monumental.

People with schizophrenia and other related disorders aren't something to be scared of or to think of as bad, and often times they're more bothered by whatever they're experiencing than you are.

I don't have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or anything like that, but I have various undiagnosed mental health issues which often lead to me questioning reality, or having to set aside time to convince myself that no there isn't a man living in my wall... Having a character have to question those things, work through those feelings, and learn to trust themselves and care for themselves even with those difficulties would be really great to see in media, not just for people with schizophrenia but also for people with similar/related disorders who might share symptoms see parts of their own struggles in a good, educative way.

I have to finish this in two parts because tumblr keeps breaking because there's too many words in my post lmao (2nd part here)

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

bella/esme?

Oooh, interesting but very tough question. I mean, given my track record, it's obvious my answer's going to be "I don't see it" except... in this case I kind of do.

Just not in the way you expect, or in a way that the internet will say will count.

So, What's the Problem on Esme's End? I don't read Esme as attracted to women. Though, I'll admit, it's also very hard to get a firm grasp on Esme in general. She's a very strange person, who could very well be attracted to women, but like the number of licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world will never truly know.

Esme is content to be Esme, mother to Edward, wife to Carlisle, sort of mother of the rest of those Cullen kids. If she found herself attracted to a woman, I don't think she'd even realize it, it'd be such a non-concept to her.

Where does that fit into Esme's surreal haze of an existence?

So, even if Esme likes women, even if she likes Bella specifically, I doubt it will ever even occur to her what's happening. She just stares at Bella and thinks how wonderful it is that Edward found such a charming girl.

In other words, that's right, there would be absolutely no difference from what we see in canon.

Otherwise, as usual, canon gets in the way. Esme and Carlisle have extreme issues, but neither realizes they have extreme issues. Esme at the start of Twilight and throughout the series is happily married to Carlisle and will remain so until something very unpleasant and unforeseen happens.

That something may have to do with Bella, but it's not Bella existing in the first place nor is it her having a relationship with Edward. Point being, Bella's a non-option for Esme at any point in the canon series.

And if Esme was single... I don't think she ever would be. I think, given the state she was in when Carlisle turned her, Carlisle not having married her (especially after Edward made Esme's feelings clear) would have destroyed her. And pining after Carlisle was a defining part of her life and may have had a very large hand in her ending up in that Morgue in the first place (Esme keeps saying no to suitors until... Charles comes along).

An Esme who never wanted to marry Carlisle would be a very different person and may very well have not ended up a Cullen at all.

If Esme decided she wasn't that into Carlisle... Well, this is a place for heretical meta so I'll go ahead and say it, she'd probably end up with Edward. And it'd be weird. Really, really, weird. Weirder than what those two do already.

POINT BEING, given that Esme bases her entire persona, for decades, around this Stepford housewife ideal, Esme is not staying single. Certainly not still single by 2005. And if she is then she probably left to go live with the Denali and is having an absolutely miserable time.

And even if we get past all of this, somehow, then Edward likely still shows interest in Bella. If he does, even if Esme is single and realizes her own feelings, Bella's immediately off the table. It's a non-starter, Edward deserves all the happiness in the world and Esme will gladly give that up.

Esme would never go for Bella as a romantic partner.

What's the Problem on Bella's End?

Bella has 0 interest in Esme as a person.

Esme is Mama Vampire, she's very sweet, the sweetest person Bella has ever met and a woman she imprints on as "mom", but that's it. They never spend time together, Bella never shows any interest in spending time with her, and beyond Esme being "mom" Bella could not care less.

Bella has at least one very deep conversation with pretty much every other Cullen: Carlisle at her birthday party, Jasper when he confesses his sordid history, Rosalie when she explains why she treats Bella the way she does and her own history.

The only other person that doesn't hit that quota is Emmett. And he, to Bella, is also a non-concept. He's funny older brother.

Bella won't go out of her way to make friends with Esme, to do anything with Esme, or even listen to Esme's opinions. She just does not care.

Also damning, of the people Bella's attracted to, which includes both men and women, Esme is not on that list. Bella's noticeably attracted to Rosalie, Alice (after they form an emotional connection), Edward, and Carlisle.

Esme's pretty and a vampire, she has oddly soft features for a vampire, but Bella has no remarks beyond that. She doesn't spend much time looking at Esme.

If Esme was the only vampire around, the first one Bella met, and had some interest in Bella then Bella might go for it, because vampire, but it's unlikely even an Esme wandering alone would show that interest.

But Didn't You Say This Was Kind of Canon?! So, the thing is, per the end of Breaking Dawn, Bella's left the planet in a very similar way to Esme.

She has a small cabin where she lives with her nuclear family within a family. Her hybrid daughter sleeps in one room, she has tepid sex with Edward in the other. She reads her alien daughter her favorite books like Wuthering Heights, somehow believing Renesmee follows all of this even when she undoubtedly asks "What's an England?"

Bella prances through the trees in beautiful clothes when she hunts, screaming, "I AM BEAUTIFUL!"

Bella went through a horrifically traumatizing experience, untold amounts of stress, and suddenly gets everything she thinks she ever wanted.

Just as this didn't seem to be good for Esme, it doesn't look good for Bella.

So why do I bring this up? Because I can see Esme and Bella being weird Stepford Mom/Wives together.

They bake cookies for Renesmee that Renesmee can't eat. They take "first day of school pictures" of Renesmee every time she goes to school. Every. Single. Day. Bella gives Renesmee the world's worst rendition of the sex talk as well as vaguely feminist pep talks that are completely out of context. Esme and Bella discuss the joys of motherhood, Esme talking about raising Edward, Bella discussing how she's raising Renesmee and kids just grow up so fast.

They bond beautifully over this shared experience. It's a deep emotional bond between them that the other Cullens can't understand. Bella remarks how close they are and she never realized how difficult Esme's job was before Renesmee.

They get really weird.

But they don't have sex, have no romantic notions towards the other at all, and are simply Mother together.

[chaoticminhos]

swim captain (chapter three)

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst 

warnings: mentions of possible sexual assault, mentions of slight violence

word count: 3.2k

a/n: look at me posting kinda consistently and shit

chan watched as you left the building with jaemin and his friends, head flooding with thoughts of you and his realization.

since when did he like you like that? he’s known you for years, why now was he falling for you? why not last year when he didn’t know who to ask to the dance or earlier this year when he needed a plus one to an important swim meet? you ended up going as minho’s date to both of those things, and chan had ended up taking some random girl.

but it didn’t matter, he couldn’t have asked you to those things as anything more than a friend anyway. whether he fell for you now or a year ago or any time, he needed to cut it out.

it felt inappropriate to have feelings for you. you were the manager of a team that he was captain of and there was a feeling of responsibility that came along with both of those positions. and even if that didn’t matter, how was he supposed to know if you thought of him any different than you thought of the rest of the boys? if anything, you seemed less interested in him than any of the other boys. he probably got one hug for every five the others got, ten if it was hyunjin or minho.

he was sure you saw him as a brother. a good friend, and that was all. you obviously didn’t see him as anything else, or you wouldn’t have left with jaemin. but that was fine, because it would be inappropriate if you did. it was inappropriate that he did.

he tried to think back and figure out when his feelings changed. he couldn’t pinpoint anything specific that would have changed the way he feels towards you, but it made sense of things. like why he had been extra focused on you the past weeks and why minho’s actions were bugging him now, even though they were the same as always. he was forced out of his train of thought when someone called his name.

“chan, you coming?” changbin called from a few feet away, the boys already heading for the door, which chan failed to realize as he was caught up in his own thoughts.

“yeah,” he began, “uh, yeah, sorry.”

he figured it best to go with the boys. they would offer some sort of distraction from the fact that you were with jaemin at that moment, and a bunch of his friends. plus, he had made a point of expressing that he was going out in his attempt to get you to stay with your team and not leave with NCT, so it would look weird if he didn’t go now.

the boys piled into felix’s car. his family had came to the meet and drove his car along with another one, leaving his since they knew the boys would want to hang out after the meet. all of the boys fit in the large crossover, but it was definitely not legal to have that many people packed into one vehicle.

finally deciding on a small ice cream shop, felix pulled into the small parking lot and shut off the car. the boys immediately stormed out of the car and into the diner.

after ordering their ice cream and sitting down, the 8 of them began to chat about the days events. chan didn’t bother to tune in much. that is, until he heard a certain subject being discussed.

“he seemed pretty nice,” seungmin joked, “you know, for someone from NCT.”

“no joke. and he’s pretty, too.” added changbin.

“hey,” felix began, “you trying to steal y/n’s man?”

chan interrupted the bantering, “what about that guy came off as nice to you guys? he was creepy! like, who walks up to a stranger and asks them to leave late at night with them and their friends? that’s weird!” he paused, “and he didn’t even acknowledge that we were there! isn’t he supposed to get, like, permission or something?”

“permission? yeah, from her dad, not her 8 annoying best friends, dumbass.” hyunjin responded.

“seriously, how are you guys so chill about this? we don’t know the kid or anyone on his team.”

“y/n’s a big girl, chan, she can handle herself.”

“against a group of that many guys?” chan scoffed, “yeah right.”

“chan, why are you automatically assuming they’re going to hurt her?”

“why are you assuming they’re not?”

“i don’t know, maybe because there’s no history of NCT being a bad school? maybe because none of those boys have a record?”

“they’re top athletes, hyunjin, you really fucking think the school would let that type of shit on a public record if anything happened? and risk their reputation?”

hyunjin let out an unamused laugh, “we’re top athletes too, chan.” he gestured to everyone around the table, “we have clean records.”

“yeah, clean as long as minho’s assault charge stays expunged.”

he mumbled, pushing his chair back and standing up, headed for the door.

minho stood up with him, moving to grab his arm and stop him from leaving, “are you forgetting i caught that charge defending y/n?”

chan shrugged his shoulders, pulling his arm from minho’s grip and continuing his path to the door, “it’s just an example, minho.”

“how are you gonna get home?” felix called before he could leave.

without turning around, chan responded, “i’ll figure it out.”

and the door shut behind him.

the 7 boys looked at each other, felix practically pulling minho back to his seat to stop him from following chan out the door. that was expected, minho was a hothead, but chan was usually calm and practical, even when upset. and he knew better than to make a scene in public.

“jesus,” jisung laughed, “he flops one race and he turns into a 2 year old having a tantrum.”

“yeah,” minho let out a scoff that the rest of the boys played off as a laugh, “because it’s race he’s pissy about.”

meanwhile, you were sat inside of a fast food restaurant surrounded by a group of curious boys.

“stray kids, huh? aren’t you going to get, like, guillotined for conversing with your enemies?” a boy, who jaemin had identified as lucas, joked.

you laughed, “nah, we keep the competition in the water.”

“tell that to that one guy, he seemed like he didn’t get that memo.” spoke another one of jaemin’s teammates, one you couldn’t remember the name of.

you cocked your head to the side in confusion, and he continued.

“blonde, curly hair. bang, maybe?”

“oh, chan!” he’s just upset about his race, i think.”

“whatever his name is, he’s scary.” spoke the boy you think introduced himself as jeno.

“yeah,” jaemin chuckled, “honestly, i thought i was gonna get my shit rocked. like maybe i’d asked his girlfriend out or something.”

you blushed, letting out a surprised laugh “girlfriend?”

did it really seem like you and chan might be a couple? did chan really seem jealous that jaemin asked you to hang out? you felt butterflies in your stomach at the idea. despite being out on a ‘date’ with jaemin and surrounded by his attractive friends, you still found yourself feeling weaker at the thought of chan than any of the boys around you at that moment.

“yeah, he did not look like he liked the idea of me asking you out, to be honest.”

you didn’t think it was possible, but your face reddened even more. before you could respond that chan was just always super protective of his team, your phone went off, signaling that you’d gotten a text message.

you held your phone up, “speak of the devil.”

channie: hey, let me know when you get home safe, yeah??

you smiled at the message, typing a quick reply.

y/n: gotcha

chan’s message reminded you that it was indeed a school night, and that you should probably head home. you slid your phone back in your pocket and turned to jaemin.

“hey, i should get going, there’s school tomorrow. see you around?”

jaemin shot you a big smile, pulling his phone from his pocket and holding it out for you.

“i would love to see you around. i’ll text you?” he questioned, to which you responded with a smile, taking the device from his hand.

you typed your number into jaemin’s phone, sending yourself a message from it so you would have his number, too.

“need a ride home?”

“no, thank you,” you replied, “i’ll call a cab or something, you stay and have fun. thanks, though!”

you called for a taxi and send a quick message to chan.

y/n: just called a taxi. on my way home.

channie: he isn’t giving you a ride?

y/n: i didn’t want one

chan, sitting in the backseat of his own cab, felt his stomach drop.

channie: did something happen? are you okay?

y/n: i’m fine, just didn’t wanna make them leave just because i wanted to head home.

chan relaxed into his seat.

y/n: how about you guys? headed home soon?

channie: i am. i’m not sure about the others.

y/n: ?

channie: i left early

y/n: still upset about the race?

chan sighed just as the taxi pulled into his driveway. he stepped out, handing a wad of cash to the driver and telling him to keep the change.

he stepped into his house and headed straight to his bedroom, falling onto his mattress. he stared at your message for a few seconds before replying.

channie: something like that.

y/n: it was probably just an off day, don’t beat yourself up about it!

chan looked at your message and tossed his phone on the bed beside him, pulling an arm over his face and groaning in frustration. he was worn out from the day, not even having the energy to shower the chlorine off of himself, he decided he was just going to go to sleep as soon as possible. just as he was nearly dozed off, his phone let out a ding.

y/n: home safe and sound! night, chan

he didn’t bother typing a reply, letting himself fall into a restless sleep.

chan woke the next morning sporting the same outfit as the day before. he grabbed for his phone to check the time, having a mini heart attack when realizing he only had 40 minutes to shower, get ready, eat, and drive to school.

he jumped up, grabbing a random assortment of clothes and headed to the bathroom. he hissed when he got into the shower and felt his skin burn, it was cracking from not having the chlorine washed off of it from the night before.

he and the rest of the boys always had cracked knuckles and chapped lips from being in chlorine so much, but it got significantly worse when the chlorine didn’t get washed off as soon as possible.

he hurried to ready himself before jumping into his car without eating anything. if he wanted to get to school on time, he’d have to skip breakfast.

chan arrived in the school with five minutes to spare, which wasn’t a completely unusual amount of time, just a bit less than he would usually like. heading to his locker, he caught sight of you standing in front of your own, staring down at your phone. he offered a small “hey” as he walked past you and opened his locker.

upon noticing him, you shut your phone off and shoved it into your back pocket.

he looked from you to his locker, speaking as he focused on putting what he needed for the day in his bag.

“have fun last night?”

“yeah! the NCT boys are super nice. you guys would love them!”

“yeah,” chan mumbled, “i’m sure i would.”

with that, you walked past him and towards your first hour class, playfully shoving him as you passed him. it earned you a small smile, and that was enough to make you think his mood from the night before had improved, but he still felt the same cloud of confusion and frustration as he watched you walk down the hallway. he hated himself for thinking it, but just for a small second, he wondered if maybe it would be easier if something had happened and you didn’t like jaemin and his friends.

you and chan didn’t share any morning classes, so he wasn’t able to see you again until lunch, and that was probably good. he decided it would be best to attempt to shove his emotions as far down as possible and act as normal around you as he could, hoping maybe the feelings would go away as quickly as they had came.

because of this, he made no attempt to sit by you at lunch, but tried to converse with you normally, just as the other boys did. just like he did before he realized his feelings towards you. the boys were making it very difficult for him to keep his calm, though, when they wouldn’t leave the topic of you and jaemin alone.

“so, y/n,” jisung teased, “you gonna leave us for NCT and your hot new boy toy?”

you threw a fry from your plate at him with a laugh, “he is not my ‘boy toy’ jisung, he’s my friend. plus, i’d never leave you guys.”

“even if NCT beats us in competition again?” minho pouted.

you smiled at the boy sat across from you on the table, leaning down to rest your elbows on the table as you spoke, “even if they beat us in comp this year.”

minho smiled at you from across the table, eyes glancing over to chan seated beside him for a moment before focusing back on you.

it was obvious to minho that chan had feelings for you, and vice versa. how no one else had caught on he had no clue.

minho thought of himself as a good friend. good friends help their friends out, and even though maybe the idea of pissing chan off after the shot he’d thrown at minho the night before could have been enough for minho to pull a stunt, it did help that good could come out of it. after all, maybe a little jealousy was the shove chan needed to finally ask you out.

minho decided that since chan wasn’t even looking at you, choosing to stare down at his food instead, he would make him look at you.

he reached cross the table and ruffled your hair, “that’s my girl.”

he snuck another glance at chan. it was apparent that although he hadn’t been looking at you, he was listening to what was happening. his head had slightly raised and his eyes were locked onto minho.

deciding to push his friends buttons a bit more, minho locked eyes with chan and cocked his head, pulling a painfully obvious fake look of concern, “you look grumpy, bud, what’s up?”

chan forced an equally fake smile back, sitting up straight and dropping his fork onto his lunch tray with a loud clang.

“just tired.”

minho hummed in response, barely acknowledging chan’s response before turning back to you.

“y/n, i gotta go to the library before lunch ends. come with?”

you nodded, not having caught on to the tension between minho and chan. it wasn’t hard to miss, especially when no one else at the table was paying it any attention either.

“actually, minho.” chan stood from his seat and placed a hand on minho’s shoulder, “coach wanted to see you. you know, about your race yesterday.”

minho raised an eyebrow, “can’t he talk to me at practice?”

“nope,” chan offered no further explanation before grabbing his tray and heading to dump it in the trash. he motioned minho to follow him, “let’s go.”

minho jogged to catch up with chan as he lead them both to an empty hallway.

“isn’t coaches office that way?” minho gestured in the opposite direction.

chan scoffed, “you know damn well that was an excuse. come on dude, stop fucking with me.”

minho raised his eyebrows, feigning innocence, “what do you mean?”

“oh my god minho, you know what i mean.”

minho shrugged, “clearly not. why else would i be asking?”

“because you’re a fucking prick.” chan muttered.

he sighed, running a hand down his face and taking a deep breath, “i know you know i like her, okay? i mean,” he put his hands up and mimicked quotation marks, “‘i would never do that to you.’” he let his hands fall to his side, “you knew before i did. so stop being an asshole. i can’t make the stupid crush go away if i’m pissed off 24-fucking-7 because you’re hitting on her.”

chan ran his hands through his hair. he’d never even admitted it to himself out loud before. this was the first time he’d heard himself say it out loud. he didn’t know if saying it out loud or telling someone would help, but minho obviously already knew. there was no harm in admitting something to someone who knew before you did.

“chan, this is how me and the rest of the boys have always been around her. like yeah, i’ve amped it up a bit recently so you’d finally get it through your thick fucking skull that you’re in love with her and i’ll calm it down again when you’ve stopped being a pussy, but it’s not something that’s going completely away. not from me, not from any of the boys, and honestly dude, probably not from jaemin. you can’t expect her to stop having fun with her friends simply because you’re crushing on her. not even when you’re dating her.” he paused before continuing, “if you end up dating her. jaemin seems to have more balls than you.”

chan groaned, “i know, minho.”

“then make a move.”

“i’m not making a move.”

minho frowned, “what? why not?”

“i’m just not, minho.” his words came out harsher than he’d intended, “but can you please just stop? just until i can shake these stupid fucking feelings, then you can go back to trying to get into her pants.”

minho shoved him, “if i wanted into y/n’s pants, i’d be in them.” he nudged chan again, “but seriously dude, why shake reciprocated feelings?”

chan finally brought his eyes to meet minho’s again, “what?”

minho feigned confusion, “what?”

“repeat that.”

“repeat what?”

“the thing you said about feelings.”

“oh,” minho began, “i said why shake the feelings?”

“that’s not what you said.”

minho frowned, “i’m pretty sure that’s what i said.”

“no,” chan pressed, “you added another word. what did you say?”

minho shook his head, pretending to think about it. “no, i think that’s like word for word what i said.”

chan shoved him, “minho, seriously, what did you say?”

instead of a proper response, minho looked towards the ceiling of the school. he’d given chan enough advice for the day.

“i think that was the bell. i gotta go. see you at practice!”

“minho!” chan yelled as minho jogged down the hallway. the bell had most definitely not sounded, “asshole.”

[angrylizardjacket]

it's in the blood // this is tradition

Summary: Children inherit all sorts of traits from their parents. Not all these traits are good.

"My reputation preceded me before I was born."

[ charlotte & lola au ]

A/N: 2292 words. Halsey's new album killed me on the spot. i talk a lot about the next gen being mirrors of their parents, but i'd like to go into detail about that not necessarily being a positive. @misscharlottelee this made me feel things. i love these kids.

Warnings: overdose mention, addiction discussion, mentions of drug abuse.

Penelope Dingley-Lee

Tommy can count the amount of times he'd seen Razzle truly angry on one hand, and here and now he can see it again, written all over his neice's face. He'd thought she would look like Charlie when she's angry, and occasionally she does, the way her lip curls derisively, dismissively, that's very reminiscent of his cousin, but here and now, her blue eyes are hazy, cloudy, and her lips twist with an irate arrogance that is worryingly familiar.

Angry and high and wearing clothes that don't quite match, in this moment she's exactly her father's daughter.

She's been in the papers again. Her tits have been in magazines again. Tommy bites down on his instinctual desire to repremand her; she'd call him a hypocrite, call him an old man, tell him to keep his opinions to himself while she could still buy his sex tape out of a shady car boot down the street.

Charlie was like that too, on occasion, wit too quick for him to keep up with. When she got into a mood like this, Tommy didn't have to worry so much; usually Razzle would egg her on, but knew when to pull her back.

"It's my god given, motherfucking right to go feral -" he'd heard Charlie back in the eighties holler at three in the morning, high on amphetamines and waving a gossip rag above her head. Razzle would be on the sofa, equally fucked up, but gazing at her like she hung the stars in the sky.

"Lola gets photographed at least once a month stark naked along the strip like it's a sport, why is my Playboy shoot a national crisis?! My tits are fantastic!"

"They are, my love," Razzle nods seriously, and Tommy pulls his pillow from beneath his head, trying to either block out their voices through the thin walls, or maybe smother himself. The girl beside him, the groupie whose name he doesn't know, asks blearily why there's so much yelling. Tommy doesn't answer.

A week later, Tommy is the one to bail out Charlie and Razzle for public indecency, and they're both beaming from ear to ear.

Here in the present, Penny is draped out on the sofa, laughing low and pleased as she watches TV.

"TMZ blurred out my tits," she snorts, "cowards."

"Penny..." he can't help the faintly disappointed notes in his voice when he says her name.

"Thomas, I've read The Dirt," Penny fires back venemously. Hypocrite he hears in her tone, you have no power over me.

There's something hollow in her eyes in the photos he sees of her in the papers. She wears her father's inflluence and her heart on her crushed velvet sleeve, on the arm of a shallow, pretty, band boy who plays badly and loudly. But she laughs louder, though tthe sound is low and unconvincing if anyone bothered to listen hard enough, and Tommy wonders if he has enough dark hair dye left for when that boy breaks her heart.

Jupiter Lee

Tommy is proud to watch Jupiter on stage, but he is afraid.

Their anger is something he remembers from Lola, the way they cling to the past with vitriol echoes their mother, but on stage, they drink up the attention, get high off the love the audience gives, and he sees himself in those moments.

A child of addicts, Jupiter had drawn lines in the sand for themselves that they refused to cross; no alcohol, no drugs, and they'd stayed loyal to that. But highs come in all forms; they simply picked a different kind of poison without realising.

On stage, halfway between the gutter and a god complex, Tommy knows the smile they wear all too well.

Rebellion from Jupiter didn't shock the world like it did when it was Penny's name in the papers. Jupiter's trajectory was spot on in the eyes of the public, but rebellion wouldn't be the thing that broke them.

Once, so long ago that it's a miracle the memory survived, Tommy remembers asking Lola what she would be doing if she wasn't with the band. Lola gave him an easy, bleary smile, laughing sweetly when she told him that one way or another, she'd be here. In the moment it overwhelms him with love. In hindsight it breaks his heart.

"Come on, I think this is inevitable," Jupiter smiles on television as an interviewer asks them the same question; if they weren't making music what they'd be doing, "as if I'd do anything other than this."

'Don't you know where I come from?' is left unspoken, but Tommy still hears it.

He tries to picture himself in a life without the world at his feet the way he has now. No image comes to mind. Nothing else makes sense. Even if he wanted to do something else, wanted to grow up to be something else, he couldn't even begin to picture it for himself, tragedy and all.

They play their parts. They let history repeat itself. Jupiter makes mistakes Tommy and Lola had already learned from. Penny plays Jupiter's conciousness until the role grates on her nerves, diving head first into chaos, taking Jupiter with her with little convincing.

Tommy remembers this too.

When the world looks at Penny and Jupiter, they like to remember how Lola was seen as a bad influence on Charlotte, but forget that Tommy would have followed Charlotte in to Hell without hesitation.

Leo "Seo" Sixx

Lola has google alerts set up for her son, Seo, because he disappears for months without warning. Tommy asks how he is, and Lola looks to her phone with a tight smile, telling him that he's competeing in a skateboarding competition in Prague. She learned that from Twitter.

Seo comes and goes without warning, and talks to his siblings more than his parents. He loves them, but he hasn't allowed himself to stop for years. He doesn't know how. Then again, neither did Lola or Nikki.

"Jupiter thinks a lot about legacy, don't they?" He's in Tommy's kitchen, eating a poptart, when Tommy returns home one friday evening. He's waiting for Penny and Jupiter to finish getting ready, the three of them going out.

"Do your parents know you're in town?" Tommy asks with faint amusement, though there's a twinge of guilt in his gut when Leo considers that he should probably let them know. Says he forgot. Tommy's not sure if he believes him; like his parents before him, he tends to leave a lot unsaid. It's part of his charm, the world seems to think, but Tommy knows all to well how deliberate of an act it can be.

"Jup's got all this stuff in their head about legacy and who they should be," he continues his earlier thought, "which I guess makes sense, they tie a lot of themselves up in their identity," he shrugs, then, "I don't know Leo."

Tommy's not sure if he's talking about the grandfather he's named after, or himself.

"You've given this a lot of thought," Tommy says quietly, humouring him.

"I think a lot," Seo responds, "I've been thinking about going back on my meds, its weird being off of them." Of course this concerns Tommy, who knows objectively that Seo isn't his kid, but he's close enough that Tommy feels like he's allowed to be concerned. "I'm worried a doctor's note isn't going to be enough to let me compete at the Olympics on speed," falls too casually from Seo's lips, alarming Tommy in an instant. Though it must clearly show on his face, as Seo breaks out into an apologetic grin, "dextroamphetamine, for my ADHD. I've been trying to wean off it for the Olympics, it's been hard -" but his next words, said so blithe, so casual, have Tommy's heart stopping in his chest as he's thrown back thirty years, "I've been on them since I was like eleven years old; it was great, I could think, like the right amount, but now I... I think everything. I feel everything. Its a lot." He shrugs, like he didn't just become an echo of his father.

Seo's parents both died twice from overdoses, and now their son feels like he can't function without amphetamines.

Objectively Tommy knows that they work for Seo, that he's not abusing them he simply uses them to help him function, but the irony is not lost on him. It's a lot to unpack. He doesn't think to ask about the Olympics; it slips his mind until he sees Seo and a silver medal on his Twitter feed.

Lola calls Tommy in tears. She's proud, but she wishes she'd known, wishes she'd been able to watch it live, or go over and support him in person.

No-one in Seo's life seems to fully know or understand his intentions or actions, no-one can predict his next move. He puts up a bright facade, but like his parents before him, he does not trust the world to know him.

They don't know where he goes in the few months after the Olympics, all they know is that he doesn't come home.

Cerie "CerieThree" Sixx

Since she'd turned sixteen, Tommy has never seen Cerie Sixx without a smile. That is a very deliberate choice that she's made.

She's made a choice to rise above the percieved grime of her origins. She's halfway across the country, smiling for a camera she can control, editing her image before she lets it out into the world. Cerie Three - even the name the world knows reflects this; she's picked apart the context she was born into, disecting it, deciding which was useful to show the world, disposing of the rest.

She speaks warmly to her family, from what Tommy can gather, but the people on the peripheries of their life seem more like associates in the coldest sense of the world. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes half the time when she sees Tommy, and she shakes his hand when her brothers will hug him. The internet is closer to her than he is.

Cerie looks the most like her mother of all her siblings; she's 21, the exact same age Lola was when she met Tommy, but half the time he can barely see the resemblence. Lola had let the world see a villain at that age; Cerie had learned from that, had rejected that, rejected the cold, hard humanity of her mother's fronting. Cerie wanted to be perfect. Cerie had to be perfect, hyper aware of her own image, like her siblings seem to be, but the way she'd so effectively shaped her public identity was kind of terrifying.

Perhaps this was what it was like for people who didn't know Lola, only allowed to know the image she put out into the world, or people who only knew Nikki for his stage presence.

But the more Tommy thinks about it, the more he remembers just how effectively Lola had wrapped the band around her little finger when she set her mind to it, how she talked her way around exectives despite being dressed like she'd woken up in the gutter and fucked up on any number of drugs. Lola understood people, and it seemed Cerie did too.

Cerie Sixx, twenty one, doesn't stop creating content, doesn't stop studying, and doesn't stop smiling. Two of those three things are inhereted traits, inhereted determination, and the third is a choice.

Cyrus Sixx

Though Cyrus had inhereted much of his parent's musical talent, the same way Jupiter had, Cyrus had also inhereted a love of the high life. Even so, he's so full of love, kissing his mother on both cheeks before he goes out to get shitfaced in the bars she was decades before he was even born.

He works hard, at his job, on his music, but his partying matches it just as well. He knows exactly how far he has to fall before he meets the depths his parents' had sunk to, and though he doesn't voice this, his arrogance comes across in his actions.

There'd always be someone to pull him away from swan diving to rock bottom. He takes that for granted, and keeps getting closer and closer.

The only one of Nikki and Lola's children who still lives at home, he's the only one like them in the way they'd feared.

"He's going to have more success than he will ever be able to comprehend," Nikki had told Tommy, the day after Cyrus had been admitted to hospital after staying up for four days while high and obsessing over a song he had been working on. Nikki had found him having a fit after having fallen from his desk chair. Now, sitting on Tommy's patio in the sunset, he looks tired, he looks afraid, "if he doesn't end up killing himself first."

A month ago, the fire department and the police had to pull him, kicking and screaming and bareass naked from a tree in the middle of town. His parents had bailed him out, had felt a familiar sting of guilt as they find themselves reminded of their own youthful exploits. They repremand him, of course, but they both know the only reason they stopped climbing trees was because there had been no-one to pick them up after.

Nikki sees himself in his sons mistakes, but he'd had to learn concequences the hard way.

Tommy loves his family and all it's strange branches, as well as their raucous youth, but his closest friends were some of the most volatile people he'd known, and somehow he'd forgotten that as time as taken people and memories from him.

But these children were made in their image.

[peeterparkr]

perennial;tom holland|eight.

chapter eight: forget-me-not

↳ flower meaning: memories, a connection that endures all challenges and measure of time.

chapter summary: of Rome and other memories

pairing: tom holland x y/n

warnings: angsty, fluffy, Chris Evans, mentions of sex, flashbacks in italics, this will hurt. 

word count: 8.5k

SOCIAL MEDIA BEFORE THE CHAPTER:

masterlist & profiles   seven:  in which people remember a certain date is coming

previous chapter next chapter   perennial masterlist.

perfidy  ( series masterlist)

wanna be tagged?

Surprise bitches! Tags aren’t working so yeah. Sorry for posting late. I have been incredibly busy and I took a break from everything, so yeah, tell me what you think, please reblog, and leave a comment. Feedback is appreacitated. 

THANK YOU TO @laurieteddy FOR THE FEEDBACK I LOVE YOU EMMA!!!! 

It felt like a lifetime ago now, and she desperately was trying to get over it. The last time she’d fallen in love. She’d only fallen twice, if she was honest, but she missed that feeling. That initial feeling of splendour and the butterflies in your stomach as it hits you, the whole: there’s no going back now. 

Of course, with Tom she was in a deeper feeling now, it was weird. As if now she would have to go back to where she had paused. Did she like that? 

She loved it, of course, erasing all the stress and issues they had to talk about, she loved looking into his eyes and feeling like the whole world around her didn’t matter. 

She couldn’t shut her mind all morning after he’d left. The fact that it had gone too fast and it didn’t matter and how she wanted to continue it. But how the adrenaline and lust had taken over her, making her forget she was hurt, and then her mind saying that she wasn’t supposed to be because it was her who wrote the damn script and didn’t tell him. She was the one who was wrong in this situation. Or… 

 It's weird, of course. But she wanted to feel that way again. The moment when she realized she was in love. Or fall back in love with him because it seemed that wherever they were doing wasn’t… love. Like of course they loved each other but it felt more like a kind of homework they’d have to follow. It was the kind of love that she feared of having, the kind of love that leads to doom. 

It was funny, the actual moment she had realized it, she was in love with him. Yes, she knew she was in love, she acknowledged she had feelings for him, that is, she knew she loved him and she knew she’d blush when he was around and find little ways to bother him just to have his attention. But it wasn’t the same. 

She remembered the exact moment she knew she was deeply in love with him. No going back now. Maybe it wasn’t the time she realized she was in love, maybe that had come earlier but it was the moment she realized she’d love him until her last breath. The fact that she knew she’d never ever get over him. Back in Rome. 

Y/N always tried to avoid talking about Rome. It hurt too much to think they could’ve had it all back then. It hurt too much to think about the events after Rome, that is, that pink skirt whom y/n actually knew now by the name of Hally Aimee. Hally Aimee  who was friends with Emma, and who y/n had always avoided. Hally Aimee, pink skirt.

But it didn’t matter now, not for whatever her mind was going to. 

Before the meeting, y/n had been quiet. She didn’t get why she couldn’t listen to anything, so she didn’t have to worry about anything, but her mind kept going back to Tom and how the feelings they were fighting for barely made sense. And why she was scared of what they had now. 

While discussing the script, her mind went back to Rome. And it hadn’t gone there in a while, because she usually thought about Hally Aimee and her pink skirt. 

She went back to Rome, to when Harry had informed y/n Tom was in Rome, and y/n had said she’d avoid him at all costs. There was barely any possibility of seeing each other. However, on his very first night, he had called her up: 

“Hello, y/n,” Tom sounded excited and y/n was sure he was about to mock her. 

“Thomas,” she answered with less excitement as she currently had her storyboard scattered all around her room, several empty mugs of coffee and tea hiding in every corner. 

“I’m in Rome,” he stated, as if waiting for y/n to gasp or be a little surprised. 

She wasn’t. “What did this poor city do to deserve you?”

“Oh come on,” he chuckled. 

“That’s why they were rushing us to go home, they knew the plague had arrived,” she stated with a smirk and smugly enough for him to notice.

“You’re such an idiot,” he answered. 

“What do you want?” She asked to her biggest enemy. 

“Are you doing anything tonight?” He asked shyly. 

“I was working on some homework but honestly I’m not able to focus,” she admitted. 

“I was going to propose something,” he trailed off.

“No,” she answered simply. 

“You didn’t even hear what I wanted to say,” he pointed out. 

She coughed. “Do I want to?” 

“Let’s get you out,” he said. “Someone told me about this club you’ll like.” 

She hesitated. “But—Who says I want to go out with you?” 

“And I don’t want to go out with you either y/n, we can avoid any talking.” 

She didn’t want to go out with him. She hated him. He was his enemy. She didn’t have to. 

“Fine,” she agreed. Because she needed a break, well deserved one. And he had kept his promise, they barely had talked. They’d danced, sang along with some other people, but not talked. 

However, between drunken laughs, and in search of drunken food, they ended up in a corner pizza shop, open all night. 

Neither of them spoke Italian, however y/n had learned a few words to get her by, but she was tipsy, so she barely knew what she had ordered for them.

“What did you even get us?” Tom questioned

“Yes,” she giggled, as she leaned against him.

“Easy,” he chuckled, helping her get steady. “What did you order? I literally heard like ten thousand words.” 

“Yes?” 

“Yes?” He laughed. 

“I don’t know what I ordered.” 

“You’re so dumb,” he laughed, he was drunk too. 

She chuckled. “In my defense your stupidity is contagious.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Is it now?” 

“Very.” 

They dined a pizza that probably had been the best meal they had ever had, that is until the street hot dogs in New York. Y/N wondered if Tom had swept that memory of them like she had. For her Rome… simply didn’t exist. So horrible how they had cursed cities by just being there. Rome, New York, London, would Los Angeles join them? 

“What is up with you and Harry?” Tom asked.

Y/n looked up, conflicted. “My best friend Harry? Your brother Harry?” 

“No, Harry Styles.” 

“Oh—Well we—“

“Yes, Harry my brother, dumbass,” Tom laughed. 

She chuckled. “Ah.” 

“Wait, you had an answer for Harry Styles?” Tom questioned. 

“Yeah,” she chuckled. 

“No, wait—but Harry?” Tom brought back the conversation. “My brother.”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t know. Before she’d left she was sure she had feelings for Harry and she was sure she’d gotten over Tom. Then—it just… she was confused. 

“Y/N?” 

“I—don’t know where your question is coming from,” she said. “He’s my best friend, is that what you’re asking?”

She knew where the question had come from. But she didn’t want to acknowledge it. 

Thought she was very confused, he hadn’t been an asshole once in his life, he was…nice. 

Rome though, seemed like a memory of the two of them being alone at night, laughing, always laughing and… holding hands eventually. Walking through the endless streets full of art and history, always at night, under the moonlight, seeing each other through different eyes. Having no one to judge them if they weren’t going after each other’s throats. 

Telling stories, sharing secrets. Tom and y/n. When they were alone. 

There had been multiple occasions when y/n had expected him to kiss her, he had leaned over just once but then he had set apart, not even brushing her lips. However, y/n guessed now, Rome had brought them what they had now, the whispering, the subtle jokes and the constant eye contact. Always so mesmerized by those pair of chocolate eyes that had her completely foolishly infatuated. Not ever caring about the other ones in the room. 

Y/N knew she had been in love with him for a while, she’d known it since right after one time when she was 14, right when he was about to leave to film. Something very stupid had happened. So natural, something had made him laugh, and he had thrown his stupid head back and made both him and y/n to fall of their chairs, instead of being angry, they’d turned to each other and kept laughing, synchronizing their laughs, like asong. 

That’s when y/n had first known it, she was deeply in love with him. So stupidly simple. But...then in Rome, it was like she’d finally awaken every feeling towards him. And she remembered that night after being out and after him helping her study, how they’d both ended up so tired, but laughing again. Maybe it had been his laugh, and the way it merged with hers, or maybe it had been the conversation that hadn’t let the butterflies go away. 

In Rome, he’d shown her that he wasn’t that bad as he always seemed to be. Sharing morning coffees, holding hands. Both of them sitting in that restaurant on the chairs that didn’t quite sit well on the pavement. Him telling jokes, brushing her hand. Exploring the city that had so much to offer to them. 

Hours and hours of fun. Laughing, synchronizing their laugh. And she remembered that one very night, when Tom had looked at her as if he’d go blind the very next day. They had walked near an outside theatre, y/n remembered hearing people clapping, but the sound fainted, she could only hear Tom’s laughs. 

She remembered wearing a dress, one she’d given to him in the box. It was a different dress from what she usually liked to wear, a satin pink dress. It felt like a fairytale. As if they were searching for their destiny, or maybe it was the city and that was playing with their feelings. The moon cascading with the lights and reflecting against the shiny and wet pavement, /n was shaking as she could still listen to her clattering heels. They had seen a couple making out against a wall, and they’d just ignored it. Tom had been joking all night, making sure her cheeks hurt from smiling that much. It was very real. 

They’d walked through a bridge, and y/n remembered how incredibly cliché it had seemed. A guy in the middle of the bridge serenading the night, as if adding the perfect music to Tom and y/n who barely tried to acknowledge how perfect the night seemed. 

“It’s a beautiful night,” y/n had pointed out. 

“Quite lovely,” he agreed. “It’s quite romantic, innit?” 

She chuckled. “Two bad we are the ones enjoying it.” 

Tom laughed. “Yeah, it’s a shame that it’s a pair of mortal enemies enjoying this evening.” 

“That other couple behind,” y/n said. “They were enjoying it.” 

He shrugged. “I’m enjoying it, too.” 

She didn’t know what to answer to that, but she knew now that if she’d thought she was over him, she definitely wasn’t now. 

Tom was walking slightly ahead of her. 

“I genuinely think I’ll end up marrying Chris Evans,” y/n said, only half joking, continuing their previous conversation.  

“What?” He chuckled, turning around but continuing his pace. “He’s not your type,” Tom pointed out. 

“He’s everybody’s type, shut up,” she chuckled. “But he’s my soulmate.” 

Tom nudged her. “Is he now?”

She grinned. “Yes.” 

“Hm, I’ve never heard you speak about that kind of stuff,” he admitted as he took her hand in his and played with her fingers. 

She watched him curiously. “What stuff?” 

“Love and that kind of crap,” he said. 

“And that kind of crap,” she mocked. 

“Yes,” he stretched out his arm, y/n walked her fingers through it. 

“I mean I just said Chris Evans is my soulmate,” she laughed. 

“Yeah but I’ve never heard you use that word, you don’t talk that kind of crap,” he grinned. 

“Well I do think about that kind of crap from time to time,” she admitted. 

He frowned. “You don’t seem type to.” 

“Really? I’m super romantic,” she giggled. 

It was ironic, even.

“You’re not,” Tom pointed out. So ironic, how they were playing with each other’s hands, the night tailor-made for romance. 

“I am. But not your type of romance,” she grinned as she looked at him. 

He frowned with a snicker. “My type of romance?” He asked, finally walking by her side. 

“You’re too… predictable and basic,” she snapped. 

He widened his eyes. “I’m not.” 

A woman had approached them, selling roses, she spoke in italian to Tom and he said he didn’t understand but agreed to buy a rose from her. He handed it to y/n without thinking too much about it. 

“You’re the type of guy who shows up with roses,” she pointed out.

“You don’t like roses?” He frowned, looking at the flower he’d just given to her. 

“I—do, I like this one,” she grinned. “I just think they’re sold out,” she explained. “Like...everyone uses them, and for me, romance is all about the moment.” 

He scoffed. “The moment.” 

“Yeah, the moment, you know like—those kind of movie moments?”

“Like what?” 

Like that one, with both of them opening up their feelings, hands almost touching but not quite. Feeling the vibrations in each’s heart every time each one laughed. 

“Dunno,” she said instead, not wanting to compromise the moment. “I don’t want the typical romance, you know?” She continued. “How they’re all too— caught up in the routine, texting every five minutes, giving each other gifts every anniversary, and how the guy always give her a necklace that you know it’s not special, like—” 

“But it is special,” he said. 

“If it’s got a meaning, but you know, people usually go by the book.” 

“I don’t get it, why don’t you like it?” 

“It’s not that I don’t like it, I’m just… I want something very personal because… Yeah, the superficial love,” she explained .”The one everyone is so encapsulated by, you know? The date nights at fancy restaurants, and- You know how it goes, she goes out to the big city, she finds a guy who takes her out to those kind of dates, where they have nice date nights and then he ends up on one knee because it’s time and he gives her roses, and they go so typical, and they have a child and then the marriage just starts falling apart, and she ignores he’s cheating on her with I dunno, someone at work and they have sex once every two months, and he sends her roses the very next day, and she ends up so frustrated,” she continued. “that she joins one of those spinning classes, and on each Christmas he gives her jewelry and they keep pretending it’s fine  but… It really isn’t, you know? They fell into a routine because they never let themselves live the moments and followed the book to be a trophy wife or…And then he ends up wondering when his life went by and she wishes she’d followed that guy she was actually in love with and they never go happy again.” 

“I hadn’t thought about it that way,” he nodded. 

“Yeah.” 

“How do you know all that stuff?” He wondered. 

“Well, you know me, I wanna be a screenwriter and to write about people you have to… know people,” she told him. 

“A screenwriter,” he grinned. 

“I’ve always dreamed too much,” she admitted quietly, now pulling her hands to herself, as she played with her own fingers. “It’s silly.”

“It’s not,” he turned around and then reached for her hand. “You have dreams then?”

“Everyone does, but guess mine… it’s having my big shot, of getting somewhere,” she sighed heavily. 

He grinned. “What’s your dream script?”

She grinned, embarrassed, as she avoided his gaze. “No—“ she giggled quietly. “I don't—“

He pushed her. “Tell me,” he pleaded with a beam. 

“It’s—“she couldn’t stop chuckling, so nervously. “It’s  weird okay?I’ve always wanted to write a script about a dancer.” 

“A dancer? You don’t dance,” he pointed out. 

“No I don’t but—“she gulped. 

He pushed her hair out of the way. “But?”

“You know I really liked Dirty Dancing or Flashdance and those kind of movies—“

“80’s movies right that's your thing,” he recalled.

“Yeah, and I—I always wanted to write something like that, I mean I know it wouldn’t be as epic—“she laughed. 

“Why not?”

“Dunno but I’ve always had the idea of writing something like that,” she shrugged. “But also something very personal you know, and something that has this dear moment in your heart you yearn for.” 

He nodded. “Right.” 

“Will that script have romance?” He asked. 

She chuckled. “Why do you ask that?” 

“You hate writing romance, I know that for a fact,” he pointed out.

“Dunno, maybe,” she laughed. “I hate writing romance, yes but… maybe it should, a moment that feels romantic, even if it’s not…” She paused. “Not between a couple, you know?” 

“What is romance to you, then?” 

“Moments, I told you,” she grinned. “Moments… it's about a feeling that you never want to let go off.” 

He chuckled. “You’re weird.” 

“Romace for me is when two people long for each other, right?” She stopped walkingTom kept his way, turning around watching her. “Like they can live without each other but they don’t want to, because it makes sense, and romance is… Dunno enjoying good and bad and knowing someone’s worst side and yet… you still love them because you know the good things outshine the bad ones and they make them who they are… Romance is knowing the other person, you know? Like hey— I remembered this is your favorite band or—Dunno.” 

He didn’t say anything, his eyes beamed as she spoke. “You want a rom com then,” he mocked. 

She rolled her eyes. “No, because they’re so typical too.” 

“And you think Chris Evans could give you that?” He smirked. 

She laughed. “Of course.” 

“Do you believe in soulmates?” He wondered. 

“I talked about it with Harry once, I’m not sure,” she admitted, as she leaned against a wall, Tom frowned. 

“Why not?” 

“Two souls that are destined to be together? Sounds—weird,” she chuckled. 

“Does it now?” He smirked. “Not even Chris?” 

“Do you believe in them?” 

“I—well, not really, but I do believe in ‘the one’ you know?” He admitted. 

She chuckled. “I don’t.” 

“You don’t?” 

“No, because the one… someone who is destined for you? What if you don’t love them back?” 

Tom frowned. “You would because—” 

“I.. No, wait--I get that, but someone who is perfect for you let’s say and yet you love someone else.” She took a deep breath. 

He tilted his head. “Then that person isn’t the one.” 

“But it has to mean something you know?” 

He clicked his tongue. “Maybe,” he cleared his throat. 

“What is romance to you?” She asked him. 

“Compromising, and-- not caring about it, like, willingly give your life and soul for them, and make them happy and just… Romance for me is two people fighting against all odds, and willing to do so,” he smiled slightly. “Dunno, maybe I’m scared too, you know, of that thing you said, of ending up with someone whom I don’t love and then look back and see I could’ve had it all,” he explained. “And be a sad husband, or whatever.” 

“You’re scared of that?” 

“I’m afraid of being too late,” he admitted. “Or never admitting my feelings to myself,” he nodded. 

“Your feelings.” 

“Yeah, I tend to… Be a little reserved when it comes to relationships, I feel like if I give too much, I’ll end up hurt,” Tom shrugged. “I’m afraid the person I love will end up loving someone else because they’re better for them.” 

“Why would they be?” 

Tom didn’t answer, but instead asked her something else. “You’ve ever been in love?” 

“I—yeah. You?” 

“Yeah.” 

She bit her lip. “Once.” 

“Twice,” he admitted. 

She’d fallen in love twice now. And she wanted so desperately to fall back in love with Tom… She still was but she felt their relationship had been so broken that mending the broken parts wouldn’t be enough. They’d have to mend them and start over. 

She wanted to forget Rome, it was too good to be true. She Hadn't revisited that conversation in a while, maybe that’s why it bothered her, it made her sad. It wasn’t that big of a deal of a conversation, probably. But twice. 

Tom had fallen in love twice and y/n just once by that time. Now—Timmy. But she knew damn well that was not the reason as to why she was so scared. Why had her mind gone back to Rome?

“Teddy was the first one to dance with her?” Tom repeated his question. 

Y/N looked up out of her trance. “Hm?” 

Tom gulped. “Let’s take a break, shall we?” He said before quickly heading out of the room. 

Y/N rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what was coming. Harry sighed, as y/n followed after Tom, she saw him standing in front of a vending machine cursing as it was not working, he sighed as he proceeded to change his order and get a water bottle instead. 

Y/N approached him and he walked the other way.

“Can you please not freak out?” She asked, following after him..

“I’m not freaking out,” he stated before gulping down the entirety of the water bottle.

“Yes you are, you’re pulling a Tom,” she pointed out. 

Tom stopped at that remark and turned his head slightly.”Pulling a—what? excuse me?”

“A Tom,” she rushed over. “Just like you have for the past 20 years, you leave and ignore everyone when you don’t want to face your problems and oh, you throw tantrums.” 

“I’m not doing that,” he said before storming off, heading to a balcony. “I’ve never done that.” 

“Oh, I’m pretty sure you do, always the same,” she complained as she joined him.

“And what’s pulling a y/n? Going to Timmy? Leaving to another country when you realize you have feelings? You’ve done that, twice” he pointed out.”Both of those statements,” he barked with anger. 

“Tom.” 

“I thought we wouldn’t talk about our issues while being on set,” he hissed turning around breathing in the fresh air the outside was offering him.

She scoffed. “Yet you’re here freaking out and we’re on a break so I think we’re good.” 

“I’m not freaking out,” he snapped. 

“You’re upset,” she commented. “you’re sweating and you just downed that water bottle.” 

“I’m thirsty,” he said before throwing it into a bin. He leaned against the railing, staring at the buildings, resting his arms on it. 

She sighed. “Why does it bother you so much? Did you really expect that you were my first?” She walked over to him, leaning backwards.

He avoided her gaze. “ I figured I wasn’t.” 

“Then?”

“Why—why fucking Tim?” He blurted out.

“Why does it matter?” She snapped, and then ran a hand through her hair. “I was in love with him, it happened, whatever,” she shrugged. “It’s no big deal, you’re sounding really toxic right now.” 

“It’s not about me being your first, alright? It’s the fact it was bloody him out of fucking everyone—“he tattled. 

“Why does Tim bother you that much?” She questioned, crossing her arms as Tom had walked away from the railing, hands on his head. 

“Because he was a rebound!” He complained. “and you ended up falling in love with him.”

“He was not a rebound,” she retorted. 

“Yes, he was, and he fucking—“He breathed in, and brought his hands to his face trying to calm himself down. “He is there when I fuck up! Always!” 

“No—“

“ y/n fucking first thing you always do is go back to him!” 

She clenched her jaw. “That’s not true.” 

He scoffed. “It’s not? That night after the wine, the whole Tom Cruise thing,” he approached her and then exhaled. “what did you do the very next day?” He babbled. “You went out for breakfast with him!”

“Tom, I didn’t do it because of you,” she retorted. “I already had plans with him—“

“And then you kissed him that day y/n!” He interrupted. 

“And as long as I remember I went and searched for you after it,” she reminded him. “And he kissed me I didn’t—“

“First time we bloody slept together, what did you do the next day?” He continued. “You were talking about getting back together with him,” he was speaking so quickly. “and then you saw him!”

“Well, I didn’t know where the hell we were going, and I was supposed to talk to him that day anyway!” She explained. 

“You wanted to go back to him!” 

“Well, I was still in love with him!” She snapped but then closed her eyes to calm down. “I was in love with him,” she whispered. “My breakup with him wasn’t because I didn’t love him—“She continued. Because it wasn’t. 

Her breakup with Tim had never been because she’d stopped loving him, but because she knew she didn’t love him enough and Tim had given her time to think about it. How do even you continue a relationship with a turned down proposal? Tim wasnt even expecting an answer and then he’d told her: I just need to know you love me’. And y/n did—and though sleeping with Tom had awakened a lot of things. She remembered that on that precise moment… she knew she didn’t want to feel used. She wanted to feel love and that’s why she wanted to back to Tim. 

“and it doesn’t have anything to do with us, alright?” She added. “But it’s in my past, yes I wanted to go back together with him at that point—“

“And to this point?” He questioned. 

She covered her face, and turned around. “Tom I can’t bloody believe you—“

“Why did you want to get back together with him?”

“Because, yes, I’m gonna be honest with you,” she turned to him. “I didn’t want to break up with him, but I also didn’t want to marry him—“

“You kept the bloody ring.”

“Yes, I did, because I was confused, don’t you get it? I said no to a proposal because I bloody had feelings for you,” she reminded him, as she pointed at him. “I couldn’t say yes to a proposal because I was so fucking in love with you!” She snapped, and then lowered her voice. “Still am…” she sighed. “and I thought we already had had this conversation.” 

Tom clenched his jaw and walked away. “Well, I’m bringing it back.”

“Now?” She shook her head. 

“Well I wasn’t going to but now we’re here,” he said arrogantly. 

“I can’t believe this is what you want to talk about,” she pinched the bridge of her nose.

“You just said you were in love with him when we hooked up the first time—“

“Hooked up,” she chuckled. “That’s what we did! Besides...You treated it like a bloody one night stand!” 

“Maybe it should’ve been,” Tom barked. 

Y/N felt a stab right through her chest, so upset. She licked her lips and then took a heavy breath. “Oh, alright I see how this is, okay,” she nodded sadly as she was about to get back inside. 

Tom cursed under his breath, and then rushed to stop her. “No, y/n I didn’t--I just can’t stand him,” he confessed. “because he just showed up in your life and you simply loved him.” 

“You—“she squinted. “Are you even listening to yourself?” 

He scowled. 

“Tom you’re—You’re literally the only one who can—show up and—“She gulped. “For him? It took him months and months and—“

“You—you gave in.” 

“What the hell did you expect me to do?” She questioned. 

He bit his lip. “I don’t know.”

“May I remind you what happened? I…”

“God y/n I know, but right after it happened—“

“Right after it happened I spent months crying, Tom,” she recalled. “I didn’t go out, all the sunshine was gone, and then he showed up in my life and—And what in this bloody hell did you expect me to do? Fight for you? Run to your arms after you broke my heart?”

He hesitated. “Well, yes, look at me right now, I ran back to you when you hurt me—“

She couldn’t even believe what he was saying.”But this—Tom was after a relationship, you know I loved you—you told me—I don’t know what to tell you with this, I apologized, I told you I loved you, you know I do, meanwhile back then you just broke my heart and then blamed me for it—“

“And you ran after Tim,” he said

“No, I did not,” she chided. “I told you, it was months after. He made me fall in love with him.”

“And is he trying that now?”

She shook her head. “What?”

“I—you ran back to him just now.” 

“I didn’t come here to LA to be with him.” 

He chuckled dryly. “Yes you did.”

“I did not, you—My script was the reason.” 

Tom clenched his jaw. But his look was softer. 

“why do you hate him that much?” She asked. 

Tom shrugged. “Because.” 

“Because?” She repeated, she really couldn’t believe it. “Tom, oh my god—And all this? Are you actually angry that he was my bloody first? Do you realize how sexist and stupid you sound?”

He squinted and scrunched his nose. “It’s not--Look, y/n it’s not that I wanted it to be me, okay? I don’t care who you’ve slept with, it’s none of my fucking business.”

“No, it’s not.” 

“But you have to understand that every single thing you lived with him could’ve been me if I just hadn’t fucked up.” 

She didn’t answer. 

“He had everything I could’ve had.”

The words resonated in his mind over and over. He did have a reason to hate Tim. Because when Tom had made up his mind and when he thought he didn’t care anymore, he’d bought the fourth yellow flowers, never delivered. 

Before everything, Tom had made up his mind, never told anybody. Her remembered driving around, feeling like he could barely breathe, going round and round around her block until he finally decided to go for it. He hadn’t rehearsed what he would say, but he had given it a thought or two. Who was he kidding? He’d probably rehearsed a thousand speeches in his head. 

Because they were supposed to hate each other. 

What was he supposed to say? That he hadn’t meant it? That he loved her? Because she was so annoying. They hated each other for a reason. She was like a cold coffee that’s been sitting in from the day before, and she was always on the loose, always giving him a cold stare. So bitter. How would he tell her? 

‘I don’t like you one bit but I’m in love with you so deeply and I just want you to tell me how to love you.’ 

They were so different. He liked tea, she liked coffee. She liked the night, and the moon and he liked the sun. 

Yet he loved her, and he regretted every damn second he’d broken her heart. Though it was mostly because of Harry it was because he’d been scared of his own feelings, how despite their differences, he had felt a certain connection. 

He had shuffled his feet outside his car, shaking as he held the flowers. So nervous. What was he going to say? 

That he had lost his mind for breaking her heart? That he’d been in love with her since that stupid first kiss? How she stole each heartbeat and how every kiss they’d had had killed him? How in Rome he had fallen in love when they’d gone to that restaurant, under the bright sun, as she covered herself with that silly hat she’d bought. Hiding her smile under the shadow, as her laughed echoed its way to his heart. 

He had walked up to her place, it was around Christmas time. It was cold and it was snowing, he had put on his best coat and he’d just gotten a haircut. He’d chosen a lotion he knew she’d probably like. He was shaking. And he’d taken the stairs, not the elevator. Stairs to give him time to think. 

It had taken him so long to make that decision and he didn’t even know if she would take his apologies, or if she’d even open the door. He wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t but he really hoped she did. 

But Tom knew that the least he could do. Maybe offer a new start. They’d have a Christmas party at her parent’s place. He thought it would be good to show up with flowers, talk to her and—kiss her? Could he kiss her? 

Would it be everything he ever dreamed of? 

He rang the bell, that’s the first thing he could do. 

“Hello—?” That was not y/n’s voice. A curly haired guy had opened the door, to Tom’s displeasure. 

He remembered him, from James’ birthday just a few weeks before. The cheekbones guy, guy who had made y/n smile. Y/n’s probable rebound. 

Was it really a rebound if they hadn’t dated? What exactly had gone down in Rome that neither of them could speak about it? 

“Is—y/n here?” Tom asked quickly. 

“Yeah, she’s getting ready,” The guy answered. 

“You’re Timothee right?” Tom asked. “We met at James’ party.” 

“Yeah, you’re Tom,” Tim chuckled. “Do—you want to come in?”

“Uh—are you guys going anywhere? I thought—Y/N was coming to the Christmas dinner party,” Tom gulped. 

“Oh, yeah, she’s bringing me over, she invited me,” he nodded. “Seems a bit too soon to meet the family but—“Tim chuckled, “honestly I don’t mind. I just hope they like me.” 

Tom frowned. “Meet—the family?” Tom cackled. “But please, we all bring friends.”

“You see,” Tim chuckled. “I’m being introduced as the boyfriend so I’m a bit nervous.” 

“The—come again? The boyfriend?” 

“Yes, boyfriend,” Timothee grinned. “

Tom felt his heart shatter, and he wasn’t sure but probably even Timothee had heard it. The unequivocal sound of his heart breaking. 

“Oh,” that’s what Tom could manage to say as he took a deep breath. “Good luck, she’s quite the character.”

“You’ve said that before.” 

“She’s like cold tasteless coffee on a beautiful morning, or rain pouring down on your wedding day,” Tom said without really meaning to but trying to hide his emotions.

Tim frowned slightly as he stared him up and down. “Are those for her? Want me to give them to her?” Tim offered with a bit of poison, as he looked at the flowers.

“No, these aren’t for her—I’m—I—“Tom hid the flowers. “Please, as if I would give any flowers to y/n, no,” he shook his head. “She’s—She's my enemy, you see, we don’t get along,” he explained. “Not one bit, we can’t be in the same room for five minutes… No, I was just driving by and I thought she’d like a ride.” 

“Oh,” Tim nodded suspiciously. “Funny thing, to offer a ride to someone you hate.” 

“Yeah, well it’s Christmas, I get my nice side, but I assume she doesn’t need a ride now, so I’m gonna—leave. See you there.” 

And Tom remembered throwing away the flowers on the first bin he saw.

It still echoed. 

How he had been too late. How Tim had taken away the chance for him. Because of course he blamed it on Tim because he didn’t want to accept the fact that it had all been on Tom. 

And he thought about it: it’s just a rebound, just a rebound, but then he saw it wasn’t. How her eyes did brighten up. How that rebound lasted two years and ended with a declined proposal. 

And now, she was there living with Tim and Tom feared he’d miss out his chances again. Had he not showed up for the script would y/n eventually end up dating Timothee? 

That’s what bothered Tom. He’d never been the jealous kind but when it came to y/n with Timothee specifically, he would go mad. So incredibly jealous and enraged and angry. Yes, Tom saw Tim as a threat. A threat with pretty eyes that could easily enthrace y/n. 

“Funny he must think the same of you,” y/n said, crossing her arms.  

“It’s not—“He gulped and looked down. “He was right after Rome.” 

“That’s not on him, Tom,” she reminded him. “It’s on—“

“On me, yes, but what—you fell in love with a rebound y/n.” 

“I’m not one to have a rebound Tom, I’m not you,” she hissed before finally leaving the balcony.

He didn’t know what she meant by that sentence. Though, he would be lying by saying that. He did know it. Tom was someone who always wanted a relationship. He regretted it. 

Though the only true rebound he had had was with Cherry. But y/n didn’t have to know that.

He followed after her. 

“Hey, no wait—“he stopped her mid hallway. 

She frowned. “What now?” 

He looked around and saw the door behind her, he opened it to show a janitor closet. Well, anything could work, really. 

He walked in and dragged her in. 

“Tom, no—no,” she rolled her eyes as Tom found the light switch and turned the lights on before closing the door.“How romantic,” y/n hissed sarcastically.

Tom watched her. “Look, I’m sorry, I—I just can’t help being jealous okay?” 

“What even for?” She questioned. “You’re an idiot for being jealous.” 

“But am I really?”

“Yes,” she took his hands. “I—If you seriously—“

“He bothers me.I don’t want him around you, and it sounds so—“

“Possessive and selfish and immature and stupid,” y/n finished his sentence. 

Tom forced a chuckle. “Yes all that.” 

“But how can you not see that I’m crazy for you?” She questioned him making Tom blush. “How Can you not see it?”

“I—Well,” he didn’t know what to answer to that.

If he were honest, it was quite difficult to believe it for him. Not really. But he felt insecure, especially because last time it had been a hoax and it had felt so real. But then again it wasn’t a hoax. It was unbelievably hard to understand what he felt. 

Especially because he knew his feelings were not in vain and that he wanted to ask about the flowers in her wall. He somehow knew that y/n… well he thought at least, that y/n had slept with Tim. 

Maybe it was the way she’d kissed him and how it had felt so different, she kissed differently, if it made any sense. 

“you’re an idiot,” she pointed out. 

“I’m an idiot for you,” he said without thinking. 

She chuckled. “How romantic,” she repeated the same words she had said before, meaning this time probably, or a little bit less angry. 

Tom took a deep breath. He felt—wrong. He had slept with her cousin. He was wrong too. But it meant nothing. Cherry had been an accident. An accident that—Well, had happened and he regretted. He hadn’t told her one but about his relationship with y/n. What could he tell her? If y/n hadn’t told her then Tom shouldn’t have, though now seeing it he probably should have. 

But the mistake was made already. And it had felt 

 However if she had slept with Tim, it would mean something. The guy was bloody in love with her. Or was he not? 

Had Tim finally moved on? He probably hadn’t. Even if y/n had once said she was easy to forget, Tom knew that was a lie. He should know, he’d loved her his whole life now. Y/N was an expert on making anyone turn to look at her, and making everyone remember her, and her kiss always tempted him. 

So no, talking it from a personal experience, he knew Tim hadn’t moved on. Tom knew, for a fact that though Louis had regretted breaking up with y/n three days after their breakup. James had told Tom that Louis had showed up to her house to try and get her back. Y/N hadn’t agreed to it, though. A very powerful breakup, James told Tom, y/n had apparently yelled at him and gave him back every sweatshirt and t-shirt, so it meant it was over. 

“Look I’m about to kiss you,” Tom warned her. 

She blinked in confusion. “And you’re announcing it. You usually don’t care and just do it.” 

“Yes because I’m telling you what I’m kissing you for… some reasons.” 

“Oh, do tell,” she chuckled. 

“Alright, one because I don’t want you to think I like arguing, I hate it,” he pointed out. 

She frowned, slightly and then snickered. “That’s strange, we spent our whole lives arguing.” 

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I love bothering you but not when it comes to us,” he admitted. “Not really.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Go on.” 

“Two, I’m kissing you to prove to you that even if he tries, he won’t be able to kiss you the way I do, never,” he stated. 

She rolled her eyes for a second time and groaned. “Uh huh.” 

“And three,” he took a deep breath. “Because I know the cast is coming here today and I know you want to shoot your shot so I’m just going to--” 

She looked away. “Yeah, you can’t really stop me from that.” 

“Hm, let’s see,” he said before leaning over to kiss her, he turned off the lights She didn’t hesitate to kiss him back, quickly cupping his face. 

Tom didn’t really understand how they could go from that argument to kissing on a janitor’s closet. He couldn’t complain, though. 

He tried to deepen the kiss, she didn’t complain, she only wrapped her arms around his neck as his hands went to her waist. 

Maybe they were too angry, the kiss wasn’t sweet, it felt forced but sensual, as if they were too desperate to prove something to each other. Quick and rough, but deepening. 

The door was opened. 

“Oh my god,” Josh said. “I’m sorry—I sorry—-Sorry, sorry, sorry!” He quickly apologized and closed the door. 

Y/N and Tom quickly separated, eyes widened. 

“No! No! No!” Tom said as Josh had probably already left. 

Y/N couldn’t stop blushing. She was so embarrassed. 

“Great now they’ll think I’m sleeping with you,” She groaned. 

Tom blinked. “I..” 

“I meant, in a ‘she’s sleeping with her boss to get what she wants’ kind of thing,” she rolled her eyes, and then burst out laughing. “Oh god.” 

He joined in, laughing too. 

“We’re in trouble.” 

-

“What were you doing in a closet?” Emma questioned y/n as soon as they’d gotten back. Emma had some coffee stains in her blouse so y/n went with her to the bathroom. Emma tried to clean it off

“Nothing—who told you?” Y/N asked as she was trying to get herself presentable. “Oh my god.” 

“Josh told me!” Emma said. “He rushed in and said ‘oh my god y/n was in the closet, and I thought he meant you were gay and then-- No, that’s not the point, what the hell were you doing in the janitor’s closet?” 

“I was—looking out for cleaning supplies?” Y/N lied. 

“Y/n?” Emma questioned. 

“What? Who told you—”

“I told you!” Emma said. “Josh told me! Harry asked for you! Harry and I were talking and he accidentally spilled his coffee and Josh went in and said he’d get a mop and look out for you and Tom because the cast is here, and also…” 

“Why did Harry spill his coffee?” Y/N asked, trying to defuse the tensions. 

“Because you left me alone with him, that’s why.” 

“What—? Did he say anything? Did you talk?” 

“No, but he… asked me if I wanted to go for a cup of coffee later,” Emma sounded sad. 

“Well that’s good right?” 

Emma glared at y/n. “Come on asking to go out for coffee is just... Terrible, it means trouble.” 

“Does it?” 

“Yes, maybe he will tell me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore,” Emma pointed out, stressed the coffee stain wouldn’t take off. 

“He does,” y/n pointed out watchint her. 

“What if he doesn’t?” Emma grunted as she kept trying to clean it off with the dry towel. 

“It’s coffee,” y/n said, meaning to the blouse. 

“Its coffee, my point, it always means trouble—” She turned to her. “Wait why are you so flushed, seriously what were you doing in a closet?” She asked again. “And were was Tom— and what took you—”She opened her eyes and gasped, as she let the dry towl fall to the floor. “Oh my god y/n were you having sex?” 

“What? No!” She blushed. 

“Y/N!” Emma smirked. 

“No! We were arguing over the whole Tim thing, thanks by the way, I didn’t—” 

“He didn’t know that Tim was your first?” Emma asked. 

“I didn’t—I didn’t tell him,” y/n got shy. 

“No, well of course it’s none of his business,” Emma agreed.

“We were arguing over that, okay?” She sighed. “Which okay, he’s got a point, about Tim but...then I was about to come back and we—He stopped me to continue the argument in the closet but-” 

“But? No. Never mind, but then you were going to have sex, angry sex was it?” Emma laughed. 

“I—Emma!” 

“Were you going to?” 

Y/N coughed. 

“Y/N!” 

“Look!” She blushed. “We were making out  but I probably would’ve if Josh hadn’t found us.” 

Emma chirped. “Y/N oh my god, who are you?” 

“What?” 

“Like two days ago you referred to sex like love making and now you were about to have angry sex in a closet?” Emma couldn’t belive what she was hearing, and she couldn’t stop laughing. 

“Shut up!” 

“Look, whatever, Oh my god, and please take off that stupid horny face, we’re meeting the cast.” 

Y/N nudged Emma. “I’m not horny!” 

“Well take the ‘I’m stupid’ face off, Jesus y/n what happened to you?” Emma rolled her eyes. “It’s been only a few days and Tom stupidified you.” 

“He—” 

“He does,” Emma said before y/n could complain. “And I’m happy because he gets even more stupid for you but y/n this is your dream, the script I mean, we’ll go and meet the cast and--” 

“Yes--” 

“So I need you to get yourself together.” 

Harry and Tom were not too far from there, Harry was shaking. Apparently he’d gotten so nervous when asking Emma out that he’d spilled coffee on her. It had been hard enough having to talk to her. He’d started asking her if she’d slept well, and Emma hadn’t answered, she was nervous. He then asked her about LA, and she said it was fine. He asked how she was doing and she didn’t really want to answer. It was so awkward. Emma told him she really didn’t want to talk about any personal issues when they were on set, because it simply wasn’t professional. So he asked her if she was excited about the cast, Harry knew that Emma had a crush on Jordan Fisher and so she started gushing about that. 

It went normal, that is until Harry’s hand decided to simply stop working and spill the coffee.

“I asked Emma if she wanted to go out for coffee and then-” 

Tom frowned. “Coffee? Harry that’s the worst thing you could—” 

“What? She likes coffee?” 

“And Y/N likes chocolates and I don’t take her to a vending machine!” Tom pointed out. “And I don’t smear coffee on her clothes.” 

“Well I uh—” 

“You’re an idiot,” Tom rolled his eyes. 

Harry clenched his jaw. “Whatever. Thanks, speaking of idiots, did you know Sam is coming?” 

Tom didn’t know that. “Sam? What for?” 

“It’s y/n’s birthday next week,” Harry said, matter of fact-ly. 

“Right—Which reminds me... I should be planning her something right? I really need to outdo whatever Tim did last year, and if I’m the… Not the boyfriend, not sure what I am but-” 

“Tom you’re losing focus.” 

“Oh right, Sam, Sam is coming?” Tom came back to his senses. 

“James is coming and he invited him,” Harry said, as both of them walked out of the room where they’d held the meeting, now heading to the place where they’d meet the cast. “And by the way James isn't as happy with all of this.” 

“What?” Tom frowned. 

“Sam told me he doesn’t want you around y/n,” Harry warned him.

 Tom stopped. James had initially, kind of adored the idea of y/n and Tom dating. Of course he’d shown the protective brother side, but he’d been the first one to support Tom. 

“Why not?” Tom was upset. 

“You’re really asking that?” Harry rolled his eyes. 

“Dunno, it’s weird, thought James was too busy dating to care about y/n and me,” Tom poisoned, knowing exactly that James’ current relationship was getting serious and that he had avoided talking to Tom. Tom thought that initially it was because of the dates, but now he started to believe James had actively avoided him because he disliked him. 

“He’s always been so protective of her,” Harry reminded him. 

“Yes and I got it alright? He already gave me the talk of how if I was gonna try anything it better be serious and I am going serious, look, things went wrong but I want something serious. I am serious when it comes to y/n.” 

“Are you?” Harry stopped him. 

“I am all serious when it comes to her, willing to make all her dreams come true,” Tom said, truthfully. 

Harry clenched his jaw. “You can fool her with all that shit but you know James won’t swallow any of your bullshit,” 

“It’s not bullshit.” Because it wasn’t. He already was on his way to make her dreams come true. Her dancer script, the one she’d told him from Rome. The one he wasn’t supposed to remember because he had been supposed to forget everything concerning that city. 

“But whatever—I also have some bad news,” Harry said. 

“Bad news? Those were good news?” Tom mocked. 

“Cherry is coming back to LA,” Harry warned him. 

Tom shrugged. “Good for her.” 

Harry frowned. “Tom.” 

“What?” 

“Y/N already knows you slept with her.” 

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perfidy  ( series masterlist)

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[fourangers]

Hi Fourangers,

First of all, I love your blog so much. It's like going through a history back when Naruto Manga chapters were released weekly and your reviews were so Golden, Hilarious and spot-on. Am a new fan though (especially an SNS fan), I just got into this fandom only this year. I don't know if you'll answer my ask, but I just wanted to try and ask you few questions and I pray that you might answer me....

1. Since you've written in a post that you were active in the eastern part of the fandom, How was chapter 698 received in Japan? Because this is the chapter I inherently realized they both love each other. Yeah, I was too late but somehow whenever they interact with each other in previous chapters I always find them to be 'Weird' for just to be friends. Chapter 698 is just blatantly obvious that they love each other. Considering Homophobia and Shounen genre, I have no idea how it was perceived over there back then in 2014.

2. Which scene made you to ship SNS?

3. As an SNS'er how do you feel about the ending, where everyone was married off when they were just 19 just to make some shitty sequel??? As a new fan, I felt betrayed and It would've been perfect if they had stopped at chapter 699, leaving an open ending.

4. How do you face with the accusation about Naruto and Sasuke as brothers and we, SNS'ers are Incest shippers??? I don't care about that Indra and Ashura thing. But Naruto himself told he considers Sasuke as his Brother couple of times. And in Chapter 699, Sasuke acknowledged, 'He finally understood what it meant'.... It's the only thing that confuses me and I don't even have an answer!!! Plus, Kishi himself gave an interview that he based Sasuke on his Brother... I really wonder how he gave such an interview when he literally made them wear necklaces with each other's faces.

5. How was Naruto and Sasuke's sexuality perceived in the fandom back then??? Man!! Kishimoto just made lot of comic reliefs on their sexuality by making Sasuke on Sai jutsu, Naruto not interested in Icha Icha but making Reverse Harem no Jutsu, Naruto was angry when Konohamaru made Boy on Boy jutsu whereas he had no problem with him doing it. LOL. And all those homoerotic posters. What do you think about their sexuality, personally??

6. Why did Kishi had to develop their bond as Soulmates with some unintentional or intentional romantic undertones, if he was eventually going to pair them up with girls??? He easily could've gave many such romantic tropes to other girls and keep the bond between N and S as purely friendship or brothers. It still would've made sense.

7. Final one, Was Naruto really Nosebleeding when Kurama made a joke about Sasuke's kiss in Chapter 572???? We had a lot of heated discussion with other shippers where they claim that it was just a splotch of snot.

Sorry for the lengthy ask....... I am so eager to know your answers and I don't want to spam your ask box by sending multiple asks.

Thanks 😊😊😊

Hey yo! Welcome new SNS fan! I'm so glad that you joined us and I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'm not very active here on tumblr (except browsing lol) but your ask was such a delight to read.

1. I honestly don't remember. I think I didn't follow the japanese boards until the eventual 699-700 disaster. People were craving for reactions and I was curious about it too lol. And well...it's been years, I doubt I'll be able to find the reactions from that time. Imo, most readers don't care much about pairings, they just wanted to read about power-ups and abilities and the basic Naruto Vs Sasuke. Though there are some backhanded jokes about how gay Naruto is for Sasuke.

2. Hah. It's going to be very anti-climatic but it was when Naruto and Sakura were eating in Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto just used Rasenshuriken against Kakuzu and he busted his arm. Sakura was healing his arm and her attention was focused on Naruto. I used to be a NaruSaku shipper so I thought "Oh hey! This is the moment that Naruto would have a candid romantic moment!" But nope. He talked about Sasuke. And I was already getting suspicious about Sasuke's feelings towards Naruto ya know? And the whole "SASUKE IS MIINEEEEEE" in Orochimaru's lair. It was that moment I thought "you only have Sasuke in your head don't you, Naruto?" and started shipping SNS.

3. Hooo boy was I surprised when it was suddenly revealed that they had the basic heteronormative, boring marriage with bunch of clones of themselves. Everyone thought that it was almost like a bad fanfiction come true and some thought that it was fake. It was a pandemonium lolololol. I also thought that it was too lame to be true and lo and behold, when it came true I was floored. And then whenever Kishimoto threw new material, I got insanely pissed off because S*arada and B*ruto becoming pairing material is ok because they are a girl and a boy, and then they paralleled with Naruto and Sasuke which are only FRIENDS because they are both men. ARGH. Open ending was what Kishimoto planned from the very beginning but wrote a sequel to earn more money.

In that aspect, I made peace with it because of the whole anime/manga industry. I learned that, as a mangaka, you don't earn a lot of money with selling books, but rather with merchandise and profiting with sales right. And that guy have a family to raise, have two kids (which is hilarious about how B*ruto movie is his self-insert story), he needs a steady income. Also, I read reports about how anime studios are so poor and animators don't receive a decent income not to mention they are overstaffed and tired, and B*ruto is a good money cow for them to earn money so they can invest later on other anime they have more passion about it. So even though I hate this story with a strength of thousands suns, they are putting meal on people's tables and making them pay rents. I'm ok.

4. Lemme roll my eyes because in the Last movie they said that Hinata is related to Kaguya and so is the Uzumaki and Uchiha clan so they are all related woo hoo. But in the aspect of brothers because reincarnations bla bla bla, didn't Naruto himself said that he's no longer that brother, he's himself? Hmm...I gotta re-read it. One day. Maybe. lol. But I'm sure that he said "Sasuke is not my brother but I'm sure we'll understand well as friends" so there. Honestly, there are a lot of interviews out there and a lot of them are fake, so I'd always take the interviews with a grain of salt lololol. I do know from artbooks that Kishimoto wanted to create Sasuke as a rival-esque character and that was it. As he was developing Sasuke and Naruto's relationship, since he liked the whole yin-yang concept, whenever he wrote Naruto's story, Sasuke's was developed at the same time as his shadow.

5. I can tell from Naruto Forums (I used to participate back in that day) MOST of the non-shippers thought it was gay as hell, but you know...it was a relic of that time. While they thought it was gay, they didn't put too much thought about you know? Because it was shounen, and we knew that it was a joke that it couldn't be taken seriously. Of course, in the SNS fandom, we did make more analysis and there were a lot of instance when Naruto and Sasuke's sexuality was questioned. Some other non-shippers also thought that Naruto was totes gay for Sasuke (including a IRL friend).

Imo, Naruto is definitely bisexual in my view. Sasuke I think he's asexual or gay. He's attracted to Naruto, but mostly because of his connection to him, not because of his physical attributes, so yeah...asexual. Or Pansexual. Sasuke is more complicated lmao. Imo, Naruto could be pansexual too, come to think about it. Yeah, I guess both being pansexual can be valid.

6. He developed Naruto and Sasuke being soulmates from the very beginning, that was proven in his comments in artbooks and in the manga. He probably created with the intention of making it purely platonic, going beyond physical ties. Then he shot himself on the foot by drawing Naruto thinking about Sasuke on bed, talking about how Sasuke is cool, meanwhile Sasuke waxing poetic about how Naruto saved him. What gives? Lol. Yeah, I think he got too enamored writing their relationship that he didn't have time to write romantic ones. What I noticed that Sakura's popularity never was really high, so I could see some editors putting their fingers all over it and making her less relevant. Also, Kishimoto didn't know how to handle her, so when she got her time to shine was the whole fake confession disaster. Coupled with Kishimoto sexism and, in his words (Kurenai's flashback), women are useful to spout more babies, women was never really relevant in his story, unfortunately. Even Kaguya who was technically the big bad boss, was never really fleshed out in comparison to Madara. So the null het romantic moments it's not because he wanted to elevate SNS moments, it's more about how he's incompetent about it. It's either Hinata slowly elevating to a relevant status because forced interaction (Pain's sacrifice and Neji's death) or Sakura being obligated to be pining over Sasuke because she's a girl. It's even more painful to see that, if we ignore B*ruto, both girls are shown to be just talking with their kids and dusting shelves, basically being housewives, even though thorough the story (especially Sakura) it was implied that both of them have much more potential than being their husband accessories.

7. It was a splotch of snot. I can confirm myself lol. Whenever the chapter is out and fans would scan it to scanlate it, the editor usually would amp up contrast to max. So usually the lines get much more thicker than usual, when you read the official release which gets straight from the source, you can notice how the lines are more delicate.

Oh lol...but then we also have a lot of controversy about translating style. THAT one is a whole new can of worms to open.

Man I had fun answering your questions! Please send more :P

[ectonurites]

Conner Kent in Suicide Squad/the Infinite Frontier era: wtf is going on

Alright lads hello I just need to type out some theories/thoughts about what’s going on with my boy Kon right now. This is more for myself than anything else (just trying to organize my thoughts) but since some of y’all like to hear me talk about comics (and some of this discussion has already been happenin in my inbox) I figured i’d format it and put it on here too! its like 4k words and written over the last few days mostly at 3am. sorry <3 

this is basically just me going like

Also fair warning that like, I can be wrong and misinterpret things just as much as anyone else can, like I use panels to support why I think what I do but a lot of this stuff is subjective/complicated to understand so like... in general somethings should be taken with a grain of salt, especially because exactly what changes to the universe were made by Death Metal/Infinite Frontier haven’t been super super clearly defined yet. Also sometimes comic writers make the most random nonsensical shit happen, so I as a fan am also allowed to theorize about random nonsensical shit.

But to start: let’s backtrack!

Many months ago when Infinite Frontier was first announced they dropped some promotional art, and I remember being a little confused because. Well:

(Variant Cover spread for Justice League (2018) #59)

(Variant Cover spread for Superman (2018) #29)

Notice how Conner is back to his Teen Titans 2003 look up top, but in his YJ 2019 look at the bottom? This seemed weird to me! But then they announced that Conner would be part of the Suicide Squad ongoing title, in the T-shirt look, so I wrote this discrepancy off in my brain as ‘oh I guess that cover was just the last hurrah for punk Kon’ and moved on with life.

In Suicide Squad right away we learn he’s very much so there against his will:

(Suicide Squad (2021) #1)

Which corroborates more or less what we were also shown in Future State: Suicide Squad, although admittedly it tells... a slightly different version of the events. When I first saw both of these together I just chalked it up to being a bit inaccurate as it’s shown as a memory in Future State:

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Issue 2 we saw him in action with the Squad, trying to do his best to still be a hero despite the team, but things get a little more interesting in the following issue. It starts off with an account of his history

(Suicide Squad (2021) #3)

This page gave me a few immediate red flags, mostly minor things that had to do with coloring, so more irl problems than things to take seriously in-universe (Kon’s pants are the wrong color in the first Superboy shot, and Bart’s Impulse costume is in Kid Flash colors instead of the correct Impulse ones) but then also it just bugged me the phrasing “he joined Young Justice” when he was a founder of the team, he didn’t join it he made it with Tim and Bart.

But again, chalked that stuff up to just.... writers/artists being inconsistent/unaware of things that they should be aware of, or even Nocturna just not being specific with details. But it did still strike me as a little odd considering the very accurate use of villains in those same shots, Scavenger who was a reoccurring bad guy from Kon’s solo days and showed up basically nowhere else (even holding the Spear of Lono and everything!) and Billy/Harm (Greta’s brother) from Young Justice.

But then a few pages later we got this:

(Suicide Squad (2021) #3)

Which is interesting. My first instinct was to think he’s being drugged w kryptonite or something thats leaving him hazy/out of it, but my thoughts on that have kinda changed, we’ll get there in a bit. But in general the context of ‘something’s wrong’ made the slight discrepancies on some details of his own history make more sense.

I also want to then bring up the next part to this story, the crossover issue in Teen Titans Academy.

(Teen Titans Academy #3)

So a few things. Does it feel weird to anyone else that Conner Kent, a known previous Titan who literally has a framed picture of himself in a case there, would set off alarm sensors like that? Wouldn’t he be... recognized as a Titan not an intruder by their sensors? Interesting! Anyways.

He looks really pained looking at that picture, and sad, and almost frustrated, which ya know makes sense and hurts my heart because he misses them! He misses his friends and being happy. 

But, importantly for a criticism I wanna make thats less theory related and more just me bein annoyed at Tim Sheridan, that’s a picture of Conner. Right there. That’s Superboy, on display at Teen Titans Academy, so the people who frequent this building would know who he is and what he looks like and be able to recognize him, he’s even in the same outfit and everything. Alinta recognized him at the end of Suicide Squad #3. 

So why does only one person during this big fight then comment on his presence?? Why doesn’t it get a bigger reaction???

(Teen Titans Academy #3)

And after the fight we don’t see any on panel moment of Wallace going up to the staff Titans (who weren’t present for the fight) and saying like “HEY NIGHTWING UHHH SUPERBOY WAS WITH THE SUICIDE SQUAD?” we just see him talking with his friends upset about Crush leaving. We see Alinta talking to them but we don’t see the exact dialogue. So I do just wanna take the writer by the shoulders and shake him a little bit and ask WHY because that just feels like... something you’d wanna address on panel! This is like the first time since joining the squad that Kon’s at all in contact with people from his life before Waller got involved, I feel like not addressing those people’s reactions to it/not discussing it at least a little bit on panel (especially when Conner CAME UP in the previous TTA issue, Dick brought him up and everything!!!) is a really odd choice. Maybe it’ll happen next issue and i’m just impatient, but who knows. Anyways, gripes with Sheridan aside, lets move on.

I wanna bring up how Conner... doesn’t really respond to Wallace’s question? At all? Except to just fight him off, not even an attempt at a ‘Sorry’ or anything? (the ‘Ha! That all you got?!’ seems to be coming from Culebra not Conner, although the placement of the bubble is vague enough it could be that it was supposed to be Conner? but it seems more like what she’d say, especially as she’s grabbing Emiko like that) That just feels weird. It feels off. In general he speaks so little in Suicide Squad #3 and this issue. Tbh it almost feels like he doesn’t really recognize Wallace which I mean I suppose they never exactly met (they would have theoretically during Death Metal, basically all past/present Titans were together for a while during that), but Kon’s been back in existing long enough he’d have a sense of who current heroes are anyways.

But right, so, lots of little things that feel weird... that gets us caught up to the most recently released comics... but in this household we look at solicits as they drop. Which gives us some info on what’s coming up a few months ahead of time, albeit without full context obviously. Issues #4 and #5 don’t mention Conner in their descriptions or show him on the covers at all, because there’s just other plot things going on, so ya know seems things will be quiet for him for a bit.

But then we got the August solicitations and oh BOY it’s a doozey for him! And some things start to kinda connect perhaps!

I want to just take a moment to look at that specific wording. “The teen calling himself Conner Kent” I’m probably reading too much into it but that feels deliberate, like why wouldn’t you just say ‘Conner Kent’? Usually these kinds of descriptions are trying to keep a low word count, not add in extra words that don’t need to be there. It makes it feel like that’s a name he’s using that... doesn’t actually belong to him.

So the theory I want to propose (that has been floating around already) is that based on these covers and the description, and how the Conner we’ve been seeing in Suicide Squad apparently talks about his own personal history like he’s ‘reading a wikipedia entry’ and had little response to people he should be aware of like Wallace and apparently isn’t recognized as a Titan through a bio-scan and also bearing in mind those initial promo arts with two separate looks at the same time for him... I think we're looking at a situation where the Conner in Suicide Squad so far has actually been a clone of original Conner (like... like he’s Match 2.0 or somethin) the whole time, that’s just not aware he’s not the original. 

Now that’s the base theory I wanna work with and build off of, but there’s MANY different directions that could go in/ways that could work.

For example, one idea is that the Conner we saw in #1 who was chained up is the original Conner, and he’s been being cloned and held captive, so everything else with Conner in Suicide Squad so far has been this Match 2.0 

Another idea could be the original Conner in #1 is also the Conner in #2 who Waller had then commented wasn’t ready during the mission in Arkham and had zapped with a lil Kryptonite, and after that moment she took him off the field because his spirit hadn’t been broken enough to be obedient (as he was a lot quieter in Issue #3 & the TTA crossover compared to #2, and #3 is when the Nocturna thing with the history happened)

Or it could even be original Conner in #1, then in #2 was one clone that wasn’t ‘ready’ that after that point she stopped using him, and switched to a diff clone for #3, because like that first cover did show a LOT of clones. That could be more just ‘artistic interpretation’ or something, covers sometimes do exaggerate/mislead, but it also could indicate we’re looking at a lot of clones.

(Suicide Squad (2021) #2)

With all of those in mind I also wanna bring up this little bit from Future State Suicide Squad:

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Again Future State is a ‘possible future’ so stuff from it isn’t set in stone, but the idea of ‘she still has his YJ 2019 outfit somewhere’ makes me think it could be something along the lines of like, Clone!Conner finds original Conner and frees him and he gets back his YJ outfit, which could lead to like the imagery on that variant cover/the idea from my very first part of this post where I was talking about Kon being shown in both outfits in different places.

Alternatively entirely from all that, another option is that she maybe got ahold of what was needed to clone Kon, but doesn’t even have the original Kon in her possession. (again with the Future State thing, she could be lying since elsewhere in Future State we did also see a copy of YJ 2019 Kon’s costume in one of the Jon-focused Future State comics in a display case 🤷‍♂️) Which could also lead to that confrontation on the variant cover & the promo art thing... and could also explain why we have seen nothing about anyone looking for him, because in that sort of scenario he wouldn’t have even been missing in the first place.

There’s a lot of possibilities! It’s still too early to solidly know anything, but I feel pretty confident we’re entering another cloning related plot with our Clone Boy so it’s... ya know. Clone time. On the one hand it’s annoying because god we have done clone/multiple Kons plots before. We’ve done them so much.

BUT on the other hand, I think it could be interesting to use this situation to tie into some older stuff from pre-reboot that I can see some connections to, because due to Infinite Frontier altering the world and people’s memories it’s all technically fair game storytelling-wise again (and like, the use of Scavenger specifically in that flashback way above, who’s not a super well known villain in general, makes me think maaaaybe the writer did do some of their Kon homework)

Something also just dawned on me that i’m not quite sure what it means but still is worth mentioning: The Conner here in Suicide Squad is back in his Teen Titans Vol. 3 outfit, and his history as he tells it stops during Teen Titans Vol. 3. And doesn’t... mention when he died? It feels like it... stopped before that, because like I feel if he was telling his life history (even the wiki version LMAO) the part where he died and came back would be pretty important to bring up?? And Nocturna specifically says that he didn’t explain how that stuff from TT Vol. 3 then led to him in his current situation. That’s a pretty big gap (like uhhh everything from resurrection until he got lost on Gemworld + all the rest of the Young Justice 2019 stuff?) So like.. there could be something funky going on here that has to do with that. 

Similarly when he flashes back in Future State: Suicide Squad to his past it also goes right from Teen Titans Vol. 3 to the current Suicide Squad run? Like I get it’s one page so they can’t show that much, but the fact that there’s now two places that flash back to that same specific time period and nothing past it until the Suicide Squad feels just... noticeable! Not concretely indicative of something, but noteworthy.

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Like...this almost has me thinking maybe it could be something where like, they tampered with his dead body and cloned from that? BECAUSE, for those of you who may not be familiar with how Kon’s resurrection (during Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds) worked, when he came back there was time travel involved! He was brought back to life in the future (like. Legion of Superheroes era) because it was a process that took that thousand or so years to work/heal him (essentially because of his hybrid dna the process that healed Clark when he had died back in Death of Superman/Reign of the Supermen in the 90s just took a lot longer, but its the same Kryptonian healing chamber thing) meaning when he came back to the present alive again, his dead body was still also in the present just in it’s process of healing. Meaning especially if we’re bringing back stuff from before the reboot, Kon likely has his dead body just vibing out there while he’s goin around living life 🤷‍♂️

SO them doing something related to that could explain the choice to put him back in the T-shirt (since thats what he wore in the era his brain would be caught up to if we’re relating this to when he died) and why he’d recognize himself in a group photo with Bart, Cassie and Tim but maybe not someone like Wallace who didn’t exist back then. I don’t know, this branch of thought is still half baked. Will maybe come back and elaborate on this later. But I’m now really thinking there might be a connection to the early Teen Titans Vol. 3 era specifically because of it being referenced twice in stuff with this Suicide Squad.

ANYWAYS moving on, this is probably a shot in the dark and I only thought of it because I just was reading 90′s Superboy, but right away when thinking about ‘Amanda Waller’ and ‘Cloning Kon’ I was reminded of some stuff about the circumstances around the first clone that was made of Conner: Match.

(Superboy (1994) #35)

Match was created by an organization called ‘The Agenda’, that was after a while primarily under the control of The Contessa, Lex Luthor’s ex-wife, aided by Amanda Spence who had a personal grudge against Kon bc her dad was Paul Westfield the guy Kon was originally cloned from (before the Lex/Clark retcon). They were the big bad guys of an arc called The Evil Factory in Superboy (where Cadmus personnel got replaced with clones) which also then tied into the Sins of Youth event over in Young Justice (Remember how Match was posing as Superboy for a while there? yeah). After those plot lines finished the Agenda was pretty defeated (Amanda Spence was still out there and came back later but still) and... who got their hands on the remaining Agenda tech?

(Superboy (1994) #87)

Why none other than Amanda Waller herself!

If they re-canonized pieces of this (which also tied into Young Justice which ya know, YJ 2019 was all about re-establishing stuff from YJ even before Death Metal happened soooo) it would totally make sense for Waller to have complete access to the exact technology used to clone Conner before. 

Now, a thing to consider here though is what happened to Kon after he’d been cloned that first time, where his DNA got all destabilized by the process (and he needed to go through a procedure with Roxy as a genetic template to keep him together, which was how he got stuck at age 16 for a while). This was something where he was fine for a period of time before the side effects began to kick in. Now, I think it’s worth mentioning that was also back in the days where he was not yet Lex & Clark’s clone, but still Paul Westfield’s. So there could easily be a ‘now that certain Kryptonian genes have kicked in as he got his newer powers it doesn’t destabilize him the same way’ reasoning or something along those lines to avoid this problem. Alternatively, it could be an interesting thing to embrace rather than retcon away, especially if we’ve been seeing Clone Conner in action and Original Conner hasn’t been in our focus, things could be wrong with him that we just don’t know about.

Another branch of thinking that I think is even MORE a shot in the dark but could be interesting (or again even related to what I just said, could be a combo of things) is if this somehow ended up related to those clones that were reverse engineered from the remains of Match from the very end of Teen Titans Vol. 3

(Teen Titans (2003) #99)

All of them were then taken down with Kryptonite and killed in battle (by Rose & Damian) 

(Teen Titans (2003) #100)

But like... idk man if Waller got her hands on those corpses or even just the data from Dr. Caligan that he extracted from Match to make them... that could also be a potential way to make some new Conner clones, and that could be why the bio-scan thing at Titans Tower wouldn’t work properly because of the thing he says above about it not being a “complete match’

One thing I don’t think is the case, but has been brought up to me, is stuff with New 52 Kon. I’ve talked extensively about New 52 Kon in recent weeks because I read through all his stuff, but the thing that makes me shy away from him being part of this situation is the fact that... he’s not interchangeable with Kon the way I think some people think he is. He wouldn’t visually be recognized as Original Kon because he is literally on a genetic level a separate person. They’d prob look related, sure, like they’d pass for brothers because they both have Clark’s DNA, but New 52 Kon has Lois’ DNA and Original Kon has Lex’s. New 52 Kon would likely look more like Jon, rather than Kon. Lois specifically commented in an Action Comics issue that Kon had some resemblance to Lex, even. So like, things like Wallace recognizing him or him looking at his own matching reflection alongside the group picture at the Tower... those wouldn’t happen the same way if this was New 52 Kon.

Now I think it coooould theoretically be possible for Waller to have gotten her hands on that future N.O.W.H.E.R.E. cloning tech that had been used to make New 52 Kon, like I wouldn’t rule that out. Because she knows where the remains of their bases are as shown in Red Hood and the Outlaws (2016) #16-17, and like, Harvest is dead so she could easily just send teams out there to gather shit if she wanted. 

Onto some other things I don’t think are actually related but that I was reminded of/wanted to address:

I feel i’d be a bad timkon fan if during all of this discussion of past stories with cloning Kon I didn’t even bring up Tim’s cloning attempt stuff, but I think it would ultimately be unrelated. His tech was stolen from Luthor, and his attempts didn’t succeed because he was trying to build from scratch without Cadmus’ the data about how they altered the DNA from the original process. 

(Teen Titans Vol. 3 #34)

Then that initial cover for the annual really reminded me of part of the Hollow Men story from Superboy Vol. 5 just with like... Kon in a room full of copies of himself. I don’t think this story would be related either because it was more magic Tannarak stuff rather than regular cloning, but ya know. It’s the imagery.

(Superboy Vol. 5 #9)

It also really reminded me of the stuff from Hyper-Tension which was hypertime stuff not cloning but again just... visually.

(Superboy Vol. 4 #62)

In general I don’t think we’re EVER gonna see Black Zero or any of these multiverse Superboys again LMAO.

To try to sum up all of this in a way that might make sense here’s kinda a... flowchart of some of my main ideas for what the cloning situation could be/how the logic could work. Again this is borrowing stuff from across continuities because Infinite Frontier means theoretically anything’s fair game. (Also I don’t think I mentioned this earlier but I do mention it in the chart, but I think it’s also reasonable that Waller could get her hands on Cadmus tech if Cadmus is like properly made canon again. She just has funky government connections!)

Also I just now thought of this now several hours after I already made the chart and I don’t wanna remake it so sorry not incorporating it there but I remembered there was also that bit during House of Kent where Clark took Kon to the Hall of Justice and they were running some tests on him, so I’m thinking it’s also possible Waller got ahold of that data/that might be how she found out about Kon in the first place for this timeline. And they indicated that there was something wrong with him there, where he might eventually lose his powers or something, so maybe she tried to do cloning stuff to be able to have a copy of Superboy in his prime or something??? before that started kicking in. I don’t know, just more things to consider:

(Action Comics (2016) #1028)

ANYWAYS in conclusion: there is clone fuckery of some sort happening, I’m curious where it’s gonna go, and I just want Kon to be okay.

If you actually read this uhm. props to you bc this probably makes no sense to anyone but me its just word vomit <3 

[undertalethingems]

Bark at the Moon Chapter 18: Another Truth

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Rating, Setting: Gen, Pre-canon

Chapter Warnings: None

Chapter Summary: Undyne suggests visiting Asgore to see if he can recall anything about the brothers’ past--but they need Alphys’ insight, and she’s late to the meeting...

"I apologize for failing my duties, sir," Undyne said, voice amplified by her helmet. She stood stiffly at attention, braced for whatever Asgore would say next. He was kind, and her mentor, but she'd abandoned her responsibilities. "I put a personal matter before my oath to protect all monster kind, and I accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate."

Asgore furrowed his brows, perplexed. "This is about the 'beast' incident, right? The rogue monster that turned out to be your friends?"

"Yes. I spent some time afterwards to search for them, to exclusion of all my other work."

Asgore sat back in his throne, stroking his beard. "You still had the rest of the guard on duty, correct? And you found them in the end... So, it all worked out, didn't it?"

Undyne sighed. "Sir... you really are a big softy."

"Well, I can hardly lose my best captain!" Asgore said with a smile. "Your dedication is something to aspire to--I hate to think what may have happened had you given up on your friends, and I'm sure they're happier for it as well. You did the right thing."

"Thank you, your majesty," Undyne replied, bowing her head. "Um, with that out of the way... I was wondering if I could ask you something."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Well..." Undyne started, then glanced around the room before stepping forward and continuing in a lower voice. "It turns out... the brothers are beasts because of something an old Royal Scientist did. We've--Alphys and I--have been wondering if there's anything you'd know about it."

Asgore blinked, then dipped his head as he thought. "No, I... I don't recall anything of the sort. Perhaps, if I met them, it would jog some memories."

Undyne grinned. "I think we can arrange that. Any particular time?"

Asgore thought. "Well, I am not up to much today... Perhaps after your patrol?"

"That should be fine. I think Alphys will want to come too, if that's alright."

"Of course! If she's helping with this conundrum, I think it's all the better," Asgore agreed. "If it's decided, then I shall see you later!"

"Yes sir, I'll let everyone know. And... thank you."

"Of course, captain. I'd have done the same thing."

Undyne nodded, then saluted before marching from the throne room. She should have known Asgore was too forgiving to hold her search-and-rescue stint against her. She'd been working harder than ever, trying to make up for her shortcoming--even sorting through old paperwork she usually got someone else to do. But... if it made no difference to Asgore, maybe she could lighten up on the extra patrols and have time for her friends again. With Sans and Papyrus not needing her help anymore, it'd been a few weeks since she'd seen them--and the last time she'd talked to Alphys had been during one of her shifts, and she'd had to cut her off. It sucked, and she was looking forward to having a social life again. The moment her patrol was over for the day, she pulled out her phone.

"Alphys, hey! Listen, I know it's short notice, but the king wants to meet with us--you, me, and the bros to discuss what's up with them."

"Uhhh what, y-you mean, like right now? H-how short-notice is this?" Alphys stammered on the other end, and Undyne regretted putting her on the spot.

"Er, yeah. I mean, I'm sure Asgore wouldn't mind waiting a bit--I have to tell the brothers too, and then we all gotta head to the castle... so, maybe in half an hour?"

"I was about to--w-well, I guess I don't have to do that now--um, so should I bring the files on what we know so far?"

"That might be a good idea. Asgore said he doesn't remember anything about it," Undyne replied. "Which is odd, but I guess so is everything else about this."

"Y-yeah... okay, let me get some things together, and I'll meet you guys there!"

"Great! I know we'll get to the bottom of this--alright, see you soon!"

Undyne hung up, then dialed a different number. "Hi Papyrus! Are you guys busy?"

"Undyne! An excellent choice in calling me--what can I help you with?" he replied, and she chuckled.

"Actually, I think we're gonna be helping you--Asgore wants to see you guys, and figure out if he can remember anything about... uh, what happened to you. He's ready to see us now, so head on up to the castle--Alphys is coming too, and we're all gonna meet there in about twenty minutes."

"Wowie! King Fluffybuns himself! Alright, I'll wrangle Sans and see you guys there!"

"Okay, see you in a bit."

With her calls made, Undyne set off for home to get out of her armor, then for New Home. ...Wow, Asgore was really bad at names. But, it didn't matter--he was a great leader otherwise, and he was going to help them figure out how the mess with the skeleton brothers had ever started. She marched toward the castle purposefully, wondering what they might discuss. The castle soon loomed overhead, and she grinned as she saw the brothers waiting just outside.

"Hey guys! Looks like you made good time."

"It's hard not to when your brother decides he's done enough walking for the day," Papyrus replied with a huff, glaring down at his brother, who chuckled.

"listen, i've had enough action for a lifetime bro. think i'm gonna slack off even more."

"Sans! That! Is almost a fair point, but I think even you know you can become too lazy! So I won't allow it!"

"fine, fine. think of it as me saving my energy for important stuff then."

Papyrus snorted, then turned back to Undyne. "Well, the main thing is that we're all here. Right?"

Undyne glanced around--she hadn't spotted Alphys. "I think so--Alphys must have gone inside already. Shall we?"

"We shall!" Papyrus declared, leading the way in.

Asgore was waiting for them in his throne room, perking up from tending flowers when they entered. "Ah, howdy everyone! I was just finishing up a little gardening. I hope you're all well--once Doctor Alphys arrives, we'll get started."

Undyne frowned. "She's not here yet?"

Asgore pursed his lips as he shook his head. "No, I assumed you'd all be arriving together. She's not with you?"

"No..." Undyne trailed, "but, maybe she's just running a little late. It was pretty short notice, and she said she had to get some stuff together..."

"Well, let's wait for her then. I don't believe there's any rush," Asgore said, turning back to the flowers, picking off dead stems and sprinkling water as he puttered along. "Let me know if you would like tea. It would not take long to make at all, and I always find it comforting when discussing... serious matters."

"That is an excellent idea," Papyrus replied, glancing to his brother. "It would be lovely to sit and tell this tale around the fireplace while we all drink flavored leaf water together!"

Undyne noticed that neither of the brothers--but particularly Sans--had stepped far into the throne room. Sans looked tense, and Papyrus was casting concerned glances... Oh. Golden flowers...

"Yeah, I could go for some too," she agreed, and Asgore smiled and set his watering can down.

"Wonderful! Go sit anywhere you like, I'll start the water boiling."

The trio headed back through the hall up to Asgore's home while he brought up the rear. Undyne picked a spot at the table, and the brothers followed her lead as best they could--most chairs weren't exactly made to accommodate dragon-horse-lizard things. But they managed to get settled, and Undyne noted they looked more relaxed now that they weren't surrounded by flowers. Only a few more minutes passed, and Asgore carried out a small tray with the steaming kettle and five dainty teacups. He gave one to each of them, leaving the fifth empty.

"I do hope Alphys arrives soon," he said, finally taking his seat. "It has been a little while since I spoke to her... But she seems to be very busy with her experiments, and I do not want to impose."

"Yeah... I'll text her and see what's up," Undyne said, pulling out her phone and sending a brief message, then sipped her tea. Asgore was always really good at getting it to just the right temperature.

"So," Asgore began, "are you boys... doing alright? I do not know the full story yet, but, Undyne told me a little... It sounds very frightening to go through something like that."

"We're doing much better now!" Papyrus replied brightly, perking up. "It was scary at first just because we didn't know what to do... and while we still don't know what to do, we're not afraid of people hunting us down anymore!"

Asgore blinked. "Er, yes, that's good to hear. I'll do my best to help you. How are things in Snowdin? I do not get out there very often."

Papyrus happily began filling him in; after listening for a while, Sans turned to her.

"nothing from alph yet?"

"No... that's weird, she's usually pretty quick. It's like her phone is glued to her hand some days," Undyne joked. "She hates phone calls, but, maybe I should try that next. Hold on."

She dialed, and listened to it ring--it picked up. "Hey, Alphys! I--"

The call dropped. Or had been hung up. Either way, it had cut off without a word, and Undyne frowned before dialing again. This time it rang and rang until finally going to voicemail, and Undyne left a message. "Hey Alphys! We're all waiting for you at Asgore's place--is everything okay? Call me back soon."

"We will give her a little more time," Asgore said, refreshing everyone's tea. "Perhaps something came up."

So they waited. Sans dozed off with his head resting on the table while Papyrus and Asgore got into a discussion about puzzle history; Undyne found herself checking her phone every few minutes, but the result was always the same: no new messages. An hour after their meeting was supposed to begin, she stood.

"I'm going to check on her."

"Do you believe something's wrong?" Asgore questioned, looking worried, and Undyne grimaced.

"She's never taken this long to reply to a message... Even if she just got distracted, I wanna check up on her."

"Very well. Brothers, you can stay here if you like..."

Papyrus rose as well. "I'll go too! Between the two of us, we're sure to find her!"

"ok bro. i'll stay here. as long as asgore doesn't mind me monopolizing the spot in front of the fire."

"Oh, I don't mind. I was going to do a little tidying, if that's alright."

"guess it's settled."

"Okay. See you guys later then," Undyne said, then headed for the door with Papyrus in tow. She broke into a jog, heading for the elevator that would take them right to the Core's upper entrance,  and they'd reach the lab from there. Papyrus kept pace easily, and occasionally sniffed the ground to see if Alphys had come this way--but he'd found nothing yet.

They made it to the lab, with neither incident nor finding Alphys--it was like she hadn't left at all. Undyne exchanged a look with Papyrus, then stepped forward. The door slid open, and she cautiously entered. The lights were still on...

"Alphys? Hello? It's me and Papyrus, we came to check up on you... Uh, 'me' being Undyne of course..."

Only her own voice echoed. Undyne frowned, and headed further in. Papyrus put his nose to work, sweeping along the floor to find the freshest trail, which led him to the door marked with a bathroom sign.

"She's, in there," he said, stopping just short of it.

"The bathroom...?"

His tail twitched. "It's. There's one down there, yes."

"Down... Papyrus? I know you said you were... born here, but... what are you talking about?"

He stared at the door. "This floor is just the nice part of the lab. There's a lot more floors down below. She must be on. One of those."

She noted how stiff he looked, and grunted. "Well, we have to find her. If she got in trouble somehow... Well, I'd want someone to come looking for me. I know you don't like it here, but... I won't let anything happen to you either. Come on."

She stepped forward again, but the door didn't open this time. She tried again, waved at it, but nothing happened. It was locked. Well, that wasn't about to stop her--she took a few paces back, then leapt at the door from a running start, landing a flying kick directly in the center. The metal buckled and folded back under her assault, revealing a short hallway leading to an elevator. She landed on her feet, and turned to see a very startled Papyrus looking back at her.

"...I'll fix it later. Let's go find Alphys."

He took a deep breath, then followed her into the elevator. "Maybe she'll keep it as a testament to your frightening muscles, Undyne."

Undyne snorted. "Maybe. Now, which floor do you think we should try first? Start from the top and work our way down?'

"If she's in trouble like you think, that could take too long! Let's see..." Papyrus stepped closer to the control panel and narrowed his eyes. "A-ha! ... I have no way of knowing either."

"You could probably smell her though, right? We just need to find which floor has the strongest scent," Undyne suggested, and he perked up.

"Of course! Down we go!" He pressed the first button--but nothing happened. "Hmm. That wasn't as timely as I hoped."

He tried again, then the next one, and the next--but got the same result.

"Do any of these work?!" Undyne groused, and ran her hand down the side of the panel Papyrus hadn't tried. The elevator shuddered--and finally moved. "Hey! I got it!"

"Good job! Hopefully that's the only floor of this horrible place we'll have to check!"

Undyne gave a bittersweet smile. "Yeah."

The elevator finally slowed to a stop and the door slid open. They stepped out into a dimly lit hall, and Papyrus sniffed.

"Huh. I don't think this floor looks familiar, actually. The good news is, Alphys is definitely here. But..."

"But what?" Undyne asked warily.

"I can smell... Oh, it's probably just the smell of science! Come on, she must be close!"

Undyne watched him bound ahead, noting he looked tense again. He probably just didn't like being down here, but... She summoned a spear just in case, and followed the sound of his footsteps as they clicked on the tile floor. It was eerie in these halls... nothing like the bright, airy lab she knew. Did Alphys really work in a place like this? It didn't seem like her.

But maybe it was like they guy she'd replaced.

She quickened her pace to jog beside Papyrus as he did the sleuthing, and they swept through the darkened passages together. They passed a heavy blast door, and through a room full of beds; Undyne wondered at them--Alphys was always talking about robotics and computers, and didn't have assistants... But Papyrus skirted them, heading for the next doorway.

They were traversing a long straight hallway when a fluid, pale gray mass burst from the floor. Papyrus screeched, backpedaling straight into Undyne and knocking the wind out of her as she tumbled to the floor. She struggled to get up--then realized Papyrus was now standing over her protectively even as he rattled with fear. He hissed, a deep threatening sound Undyne had never heard from him, and the strange mass quivered--but didn't move. Papyrus planted his feet and inhaled, light gathering in his jaws before firing a beam of magic straight into the thing's center--and then it split into three.

Or was it in three places at once?

Undyne scrambled up, panting as she tried to get a read on her opponents. They were unlike any monster she'd ever seen, a slimy heap of tendrils and faces and--a glowing eyelight met her gaze, and she suddenly realized there was a pit in her stomach. Actually, this thing looked too familiar now--

It made a horrible electronic screech, and Papyrus yelped. He fired another beam, and Undyne snapped out of her horror. However horrible she thought this thing was, it was even more distressing to her friend. She readied her spear, selected the same entity Papyrus had attacked--and yelled.

Its health bar was broken.

Whatever damage Papyrus had dealt had only increased this thing's vitality--it had broken the readout. They couldn't hurt it. If they couldn't figure out how to spare it, it could...

"Papyrus! I know this is weird coming from me, but, we can't fight these things!"

It was the entities' turn. They attacked together--or perhaps only one of them did--filling the bounds of the board with strange smiling faces. Undyne did her best to dodge them, only to look over and see Papyrus curled up, unmoving, and quaking with fear. Not good. As soon as it was their turn again--he fled the battle. Undyne looked from him to the other, grit her teeth, and followed suit.

"Papyrus!"

She came to a crossroads, and decided to keep going straight, hoping it was what Papyrus had done and that he hadn't slipped. Something about whatever that thing was had made him react instinctively--she'd never known him to lose control in battle like that. Bringing him along was starting to seem like a really bad idea.

"Papyrus?" she called again, slowing down as she entered another room. The walls were lined with fans, which circulated fresh air in. But that wasn't what caught her eye--a pair of orange lights shone at her from the end of the hall, and below the hum of the fans, she could hear bones rattling. Papyrus was curled up at the far wall, and he whimpered as she slowly approached.

"Hey punk, I'm here. I won't let that thing touch you again. C'mere."

She knelt, and was nearly knocked over as he barreled into her. She adjusted her footing to support him better, and she waited until his shivering had calmed down to speak again.

"Do... Can you explain anything about what that was?"

He shuddered again, and opened his jaws to speak; at first, only a dry rasp came out, but he cleared his throat and tried again. "I... it..."

"It's okay, take your time."

He panted, then shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths. "They.. Th-they were... I could have been that."

Undyne flinched. "What?!"

"I could smell it--bone, but wrong--all wrong. Th-their voice--their voices--almost, a-almost..."

She rubbed his back, and he shuddered again.

"I--I'm sorry I panicked, Undyne. I know you expect better of me. They just brought back... bad memories."

"Hey, shh, it's fine. Those things freaked me out too. We came down here to find Alphys, not fight... that. Are you sure she's past... where those things were?"

He heaved a tremulous sigh. "The scent trail was really strong..."

"I was afraid of that..." Undyne said, then her expression hardened. "If they hurt her, I'll... Stay here. I'll go on ahead."

"I... N-no, I should come with. I was just surprised earlier, it's fine!" Papyrus said, standing.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea..."

"If it's too much, I'll just run away again. It's fine! Alphys needs us!!"

Undyne sighed. "Okay. Stay close."

They left the ventilation room behind, with Undyne leading this time. Spear at the ready, she walked slowly, watching for signs of movement and ears straining for the slightest sound. They passed the junction and kept going--it wouldn't be long before they arrived at the spot they'd been attacked at again.

It was so quiet she almost didn't catch it--but far ahead, there was a shuffling sound. She held out her arm, and they stopped to listen. It kept coming--a steady, quiet slap-slap on the tile far ahead. Footsteps... Undyne inhaled, and relaxed as it dawned on her.

"Alphys?"

"A-ah... Undyne..." Her voice sounded weak, and Undyne let her spear dissolve as she ran forward.

"Are you okay?! Are you hurt?! Papyrus and I ran into this crazy--thing, and it--"

"Amalgamate," Alphys interrupted. "You met an amalgamate."

"Wh..."

"Follow me... there's... There's some people you should meet..."

Alphys began shuffling back the way she came, and Undyne and Papyrus exchanged looks. She seemed... downtrodden. Undyne frowned, and followed her down the hall, still on edge should the amalgamate return. The hallway finally opened into another room, and Undyne heard Papyrus stumble to a stop behind her--she couldn't blame him, considering there was a huge machine hanging in the middle of the room, its red outer shell shaped... not too differently from his own skull. It gave Undyne that pit in her stomach again, but Alphys had slipped into a small side room.

"Papyrus, come on. This one's a machine, it can't hurt you."

"... Smells like... more bad memories," he uttered, shivering as he scratched at a spot on his arm. But she put her hand on his shoulder, and they headed into the side room together.

Alphys was surrounded by the white shifting beings. Undyne yelled, summoning an array of spears--but Alphys had leapt, balancing on the back of a couch with arms raised. At least, she balanced briefly--not built for acrobatics, her tail wasn't enough to counterbalance her outstretched arms, and she pitched forward with a squeak. Undyne dispelled her spears and lunged, catching the little lizard just in time.

"Alphys, what the hell is going on?! What--what are these?!"

"I-it's the amalgamates, th-they're friendly! Don't worry!" Alphys quickly explained, and Undyne set her down.

"One of them attacked us--"

"It's not here," Papyrus spoke up, and she turned to him before scanning the room. There was a vaguely dog-shaped mass, a heap of teeth and muscles, a spindly birdlike thing, and what looked like a snowdrake at first but... did it have... vegetoids for eyes? Undyne grimaced. But Papyrus was right--the creature that had attacked them wasn't here.

"O-oh, you must have met the memoryheads," Alphys explained. "th-they come and go a lot... I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you."

"They scared Papyrus," Undyne replied. "Why are you here? What's going on?"

Alphys shrank, claws fidgeting as she cast her eyes to the ground. "I... I... I don't think I should help..."

"Why not? You're a great scientist--"

"She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this."

Undyne flinched at the cacophony of voices--the toothy creature had spoken. Alphys looked like she wanted to disappear. The thin bird spoke next, three voices at once.

"She tried her best"

"She wanted to help."

"Ribbit..."

"Sno... wy..." the snowdrake said weakly in the corner.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I... I didn't want anyone to find out about this--what happened here," Alphys continued. "I made a horrible mistake, and ruined these people's lives, and lied--lied to you, to everyone... so... You should just. Forget about me..."

"What?!" Undyne uttered; she was still trying to sort out just what had happened down here, and she was no good at emotional stuff. But she'd have to try--she hated the look on Alphys' face. It was the same one she'd worn just before they'd first met. She sighed, and relaxed. "Look Alphys, I don't know what's going on here, but, I don't care--I'm just glad you're okay! We were worried something horrible had happened to you!"

Alphys looked up blearily. "Really?"

"Yes! You're our friend!" Papyrus spoke up cheerfully, and Alphys managed a weak smile.

"W-well... If you hear what I did... you won't want to be."

Undyne dropped to her knees and cupped Alphys cheeks in her hands. "Alphys. You're SMART, you're PASSIONATE, you've figured stuff out in hours what I never could in a million years. No matter what you did, I'm GLAD you're here, working to help monsters even if you don't always know what's gonna work. We'll figure out what to do--together."

"You mean it?" Alphys said, somewhat muffled and clearly turning pink under Undyne's hands.

"Of COURSE I do! That's what we're gonna do for the bros, right? You think this only applies to them?"

"W-well... I-I... didn't think... I..." She trailed, then placed her hands over Undyne's. "Th-thank you, Undyne. I'm... I'm really, really glad you guys came here. Other wise, I might have... W-well. I wouldn't have helped anyone that way. I came down here because I thought I'd made up my mind to do the right thing, but... I started thinking about it and... couldn't... couldn't bear the thought of losing... losing your friendship. But..."

She sniffled, but shut her eyes, focused. "After Sans and Papyrus told us what happened to them, I knew I needed to come clean about the amalgamates if I wasn't going to be a huge hypocrite. I... I have to tell Asgore that the experiment failed. I have to... I have to let these guys go home to their families. I've been so afraid of the consequences, but... I don't want to be like the Royal Scientist who came before me."

"You can't! You're not a skeleton!" Papyrus offered helpfully, and Alphys snorted.

"N-no, that's true. But I mean, like him in the 'bad scientist' way. I kept what had happened a secret from everyone..."

"Hey, I'm just proud you're willing to own up to your mistakes," Undyne said, pulling her into a hug. "I'm sure everyone will understand... once you explain it."

"Y-yeah... I... I wanted to do that when we met up with Asgore tonight, but, it was such short notice... I chickened out."

"Well, lucky for you we're here to un-chicken you," Papyrus said, seeming much perkier now. "You know old King Fluffy, he's a softy about everything! And, I'm sure all your melty friends will be happy to return home--I know the feeling and everyone will be so happy to see them again!"

Alphys smiled, a bit more genuine now. "I-I think, as long as you guys are there, I can explain everything. But... o-okay. H-hold on a sec."

She drew back, and turned to the amalgamates. "O-kay guys... As you all just heard... I'm finally going to tell the king what happened, and then, your families. I think you should wait here just a little longer, but, you'll... you go home soon. Th... Thank you for... for waiting so long. I hope you can forgive me. But it's time this was over."

The snowdrake shuffled from the corner, leaving a trail of sludge. "S..... no.... wy....?"

"Yes. Mrs. Snowdrake, you'll see your son soon," Alphys said, looking like she might cry. "You just--just wait a little longer, please."

"We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies."

The doglike amalgamate wagged its excitement indicator.

"Have courage."

"Ribbit ribbit."

"You finally got it."

"Th-thanks guys. I... I'll be back soon, I promise" Alphys said, then turned to her friends. "Okay. Let's go."

The journey back upstairs was much less tense, and it wasn't long before they were finally in open air and on their way back to Asgore's castle. Undyne kept a reassuring hand on Alphys' shoulder, and she tried not to steal too many glances at her; she'd have to do this again when they were just... hanging out. Yeah. That'd be nice...

"So Alphys, if I have deduced things correctly, you created the amalgamates," Papyrus began, "on accident of course, but, I have to ask... where did you get skeletons!?"

"Wh-what?"

"Papyrus..."

"I'm just wondering, because, um, if there are other skeletons and my brother and I never knew about them... um..."

"O-oh, uh... no, I didn't have any skeletons in my test group," Alphys explained, scratching her head. "Why do you ask?"

"W-well, it's just, um... the amalgamate Undyne and I fought, was... skeletons... sort of..."

Alphys' brow furrowed. "Th... how's that possible?"

"I was hoping you knew." Papyrus said, grin tight. "It's not important! Let's meet back up with Sans and the king! They must be wondering where we are!"

Undyne watched him trot ahead, then spoke in a low voice. "It really freaked him out, enough that he slipped, just a little. When I met back up with him and we talked... he said it was something he could've become. That they smelled like bone, but... all wrong."

Alphys studied him as she thought. "I... I can't be sure, but if that's true... It's only a hypothesis, but, that means the memoryheads aren't from my experiments."

"They're from his."

"Y-yeah."

"Alphys... I'm really glad you want to help them. You're a good person, you know?"

She wilted a little. "I... I'm trying to take your word for it."

Undyne squeezed her shoulder, and they continued on. The guards at the castle gate saluted her as they entered, and then it was a matter of making it back to Asgore's house. The king welcomed them in, giving them each a hug as he explained how worried he'd been. Sans was not so concerned--he was blinking awake after napping in front of the fire all evening, and slowly shuffled to join everyone else at the table as they settled in.

Undyne sat next to Alphys, and squeezed her hand as she took a deep breath--and began explaining her experiment and how it had all gone wrong. Asgore listened, eyes wide--then glistening as he listened to her struggles, and Alphys found her other hand engulfed by his as he leaned across the table, moved to tears.

"Oh Doctor Alphys, I had no idea! You should have said something, oh--there there, it is alright,  we will get it all sorted out. I'm very glad everyone is alright, even if it didn't turn out like we'd hoped."

"S-so... you're not... mad that I failed? And lied about it for so long?" Alphys asked timidly, and he sat back with a heavy sigh.

"I do wish you'd told me how things were going, but... to be honest, I know how you feel. I do not want war or power, but... The people need hope, and I promised them freedom. I do not feel I can go back on my war declaration when that is what has given everyone something to work for. It is.. difficult to do the right thing... especially when so many people are counting on you."

Alphys blinked, rubbing at her own eyes. "Th... Thank you, Asgore. Everyone should be able to go back home... I can only hope their families will take it as well as you did."

Asgore smiled. "Alphys, though they may be changed, they did not Fall Down thanks to you. I think everyone should be very happy about that."

"Y-yeah. I guess... I guess I g-got too caught up in thinking about it as a failure, and not recognizing the small bit of good that came out of it," Alphys surmised, and Asgore patted her shoulder gently.

"That is how you keep moving forward, my dear. Speaking of moving forward... if that is the full story there... I think it's time we discussed the brothers' predicament. Here, I will make us fresh tea."

He got up, and Undyne squeezed Alphys in a side-hug.

"See? We told you it'd be okay."

"Y-yeah. I... Thanks again. For being there for me."

Undyne caught the looks the brothers exchanged with one another, but they said nothing so neither would she. "Of course, Alphys. Anytime."

Asgore returned with more tea, and spoke as he poured and passed a cup to everyone. "Now then, with a nice fresh cup, tell me this other story, about the beast of Snowdin and how it wasn't really a beast but two nice young men with a strange ability."

Between the four of them, they relayed the different parts of the story. Asgore tried to stay resolute, but on hearing how the brothers had separated, struggled with powerful instincts, and reunited, his eyes were glistening again. Once they got through explaining their origin, the dam had burst once more, and he dabbed at his eyes with a lavender kerchief. He managed to listen to the rest without openly sobbing, but had to take a few deep breaths to steady himself once they'd finished. He rose, and knelt. The brothers turned to face him, and he cupped their heads in his hands.

"Sans, Papyrus... I am so, so sorry that you both have suffered so much, seemingly from my orders to find some way to gain an advantage over the humans. I do not remember this former scientist, but had I known what he was doing--creating living things and using them as tools--I would not have allowed it. I hope you can forgive me."

"It's okay," Papyrus spoke up, raising his head from Asgore's palm to place a paw on it. "No one knew about it, even the people who worked for him."

"you shouldn't blame yourself for the actions of someone else who took advantage of your trust. it was their choice to do that, not yours. that said... maybe you should keep in better touch with your scientists going forward," Sans added, glancing over at Alphys, who nodded in agreement.

"I'll admit, science has never been my strong point..." Asgore replied, drawing back and scratching his beard in embarrassment. "I'm afraid it all just goes over my head, so, I've had to trust what my scientists say... Perhaps I am a fool..."

"In my opinion, it takes a special kind of jerk to do what Gaster did," Undyne spoke up. "Alphys didn't want anyone mad at her--she already had your permission for the experiment. Gaster... he took your orders and twisted them into meaning he could do whatever he wanted, and kept exactly what he was doing from you the whole time."

Asgore nodded gravely. "Indeed. I wish I could help you boys more, as you had hoped, but..."

"s'ok, it's good enough to know you wouldn't be down with the whole 'living weapon' thing."

"No... though war makes us do terrible things... creating life and treating it so callously is inexcusable. If there is anything I can do for you two, please let me know. Alphys, seeing as the Determination experiment is over... you have my permission to work on whatever project strikes you as most promising. If that is helping the brothers, that is quite alright."

"Th-thank you, sir."

"Fantastic! This will be Alphys' most important assignment yet, because the assignment is me!" Papyrus beamed, tail lashing with excitement. "And my brother too of course, but, he's not going to be joining the Royal Guard when all this is over."

"Hey, you still gotta get through me," Undyne laughed. "Let's work on getting you back to your old self, then we can talk about recruitment."

"Oh fine," Papyrus sighed. "But, it's still happening."

Asgore chuckled. "I'm sure. Well my friends, I do not know if it has been a pleasant evening, so to speak... but I'm very glad you came and told me all this. May we all be able to move forward more wisely, and you have luck with your efforts."

"I-I think I'm going to find out what I can from the old labs. There seem to be sections I've n-never seen... M-maybe I can salvage data from the old drives, and have some numbers to compare to the brother's current states--maybe even... maybe even figure out how Gaster was able to do this at all. A monster's body is tied to their soul, so for a monster to be able to change their body... A-anyway, I need data. S-so, that's where I'll start."

"I cannot begin to fathom what that entails, but... I can only trust that you know what to do," Asgore said, giving a small smile.

"W-well, I'll do my best to summarize the reports once I have something," Alphys said, and he patted her head.

"Alright my friends, it is getting late and I am afraid I must retire for the evening. Please take care, and let me know how it goes."

"You can count on us," Undyne said, saluting him, and the others nodded.

"Good. I will see you soon."

They finally left, and Alphys sighed with audible relief. "I was soooo worried you guys, oh my god. B-but! It worked out! I d-don't have to hide anything anymore! W-which means--! Undyne, I--"

"Yeah?"

Alphys trembled, slowly turning red again. "I--I--I have a new anime I wanna show you! We can, u-um, see it later, if you want."

"Cool! Does it have fighting in it this time?"

"U-uh, n-no, b-but--it has--a g-girl--who's good? At fighting?? B-but also... maybe... k-kissing..."

Undyne furrowed her brow. "Huh. Well, I'm sure it'll be great. We can watch that after I help you get the amalgamates home, okay?"

"O-oh, you... really want to help with that?"

"Sure! The guard knows where everyone lives, so we can help escort everyone. But, not tonight. I gotta agree with Asgore, it's pretty late."

"It's early if you don't sleep!" Papyrus offered.

"and if you do," Sans added, and Papyrus swatted at him--a move he dodged easily. "anyway, me and my bro are headed home. let us know when you wanna do science stuff, alph."

"O-of course! Like I said, I want to see what I can find out from the labs first, and I'll contact you when I have more information."

"A brilliant plan Dr. Alphys! We'll talk again soon, and finally find the solution to this most persistent of problematic happenstances. Goodnight!"

In a blink, they were gone.

Alphys shook her head. "Not gonna lie, I wanna look into how he does that t-too..."

Undyne snorted. "Guess you better add it to your project list. Here, I'll walk you to the lab."

"Oh... th-thank you."

They spent the rest of the walk back talking about anything that came to mind; anime, science,  a new song Undyne had been working on. It was a nice way to finish out the evening after a long day at work, and then feeling like something awful had happened to someone Undyne cared about so much. If only she could find the right words to say, finally write a letter that could express all the feelings she had for Alphys... but this was nice enough. It seemed like Alphys really liked hanging out with her, and even if she didn't feel the same way, Undyne was glad she knew her.

She was looking forward to seeing her more.

[bellaslilpapercut]

Eclipse reread part 2! This is gonna cover a lot of chapters because I forgot to include stuff from chapters 4, 5, and 6 in part 1 (in my defense your honor, this book is very grating to read). Awayyy we go:

1. so chapters 4-6 really could have been one chapter tbh since the plot is: Bella ditches work at Newton’s Outfitters to hang with Jake and then writes some graduation invites with Angela. She pushes her rusty old behemoth as fast as it can go through driving rain but then hangs outside with Jake the whole time so I don’t really know where the rain went. She also manages to hear Jake gasp through her closed car door! Super sonic! Anyway, Bella insists that Edward is a good guy, Jake makes Bella hold his hand, Jake explains imprinting (yuck we can skip that), and then Edward drives threateningly past Bella while she’s on her way to Angela’s house. Angela reminds Bella that, at his core, Edward is a teen boy who is Totally Jealous of how Ripped and Sexy her 16 year old best friend is. Then Alice kidnaps Bella. Fun times!

2. During the imprinting convo it becomes very apparent that Meyer thinks the worst thing that can happen to a girl is getting broken up with. Somehow Leah got the “worst end” of the Sam/Emily/Leah fiasco despite Sam turning into a “monster” and Emily getting literally mauled in the face. What’s worse is later in the book, during the “Legends” chapter, when Bella wonders if Leah thinks Emily’s scars are a form of “justice.” Yea, Bella, that’s justice. 

3. I love this Rosalie quote but hate the entirety of they way meyer writes her story. Others have mentioned it before but Meyer writes Rose's dialogue there as if Rose is an author and not like...a person telling a story. An easy fix would be to format Rosalie's story "flash back" style rather than have her narrate all the way through. Then you can include all the superfluous details of exactly what everyone's voice sounded like and all the excessive dialogue tags you want.

I also Violently Abhor this quote here:

Yea, meyer, the Hot Girl hates your self-insert because her stupid ass brother didn't have the hots for her. It just reads like weird middle school revenge fantasy "I only hated you because you were so Special!!!" Sure, sure. Also "all those females!" People don't talk like that @stephanie

4. I do love the scene when Bella “escapes” from Alice with Jake (I don’t know why i put escape in quotes, Alice could definitely murk Bella) but then that whole adventure ends with Jake telling Bella he’d rather she die than turn into a vampire. And yeah, fair buddy, but also you’ve known Bella for a long time. This should not be a surprise to you at all even a little bit. a) she mentioned it before, b) you knew she would never get over Edward even if your plan in NM had worked, and c) you’ve known that she’s fully obsessed with the Cullen’s since you started hanging out with her again. The last time you guys hung out she went on an impassioned rampage about how lovely and good and fantastic Edward is (footage not found) I really don’t know why you’re surprised that this hard-headed girl is prepared to commit to vampirism for him. She is not normal lmfao.

5. The legends chapter. Oh boy. Stephanie, Meyer, Smeyer. Honestly it might have been less offensive if she had just made up a whole new tribe to give these backstories to, for all that they have in common with real Quileute legends but actually that would still be offensive and terrible anyway. I don’t know how to describe this adequately but if you’ve ever seen G.I. Joe’s portrayal of indigenous people that’s exactly what meyer made Old Quil and Billy’s dialogue sound like. Just absolutely dripping with Mystical Native/ Magical Native trope from the content to the tone. https://mthg.org/ Because it can’t be plugged enough.  

6. The legends chapter ends with this Wuthering Heights quote:

I have no qualms with it's inclusion, if you really want to push the Edward is Heathcliff and Bella is Cathy agenda, I don't believe it but fine, whatever. But those last two paragraphs are such a dumb way to end a chapter. Every chapter ending should make the reader want to turn the page: this makes me want to shut the book (actually I did take a long break after this lmfao). Anyway, just end the quote on "drank his blood," bold those three words, and end the chapter there. Don't go back and say "the three words that stood out were... Anyway it could have fallen to any page I believe in coincidence teehee!!" That's just annoying.

7. Okay guys I hate to say it but Edward does get a lil bit of ~character growth after the first few chapters. He comes home after having Bella kidnapped (she decides not to be angry, surprise surprise) and is all "so I've been thinking about it and you're right my Beloved Angel Face or whatever, please hang out with Jacob but also wear a helmet on your motorcycle my Beloved Dumb Idiot or whatever" (paraphrase). And he also says this in chapter 12:

Which is like, man I hate when I agree with Edward but I agree with Edward here. Now I know from MS that he only wants Bella to stay human because he's creating an Unfolding Drama in his head but this bit of dialogue is really sweet. And it's funny that he thought Bella didn't want to marry him because she just wanted to use him for immortality but it's also a Dark Reminder that he's literally only romantic with her because he can't read her mind and can't tell that she's just as obsessed with his looks as the other Teen Girls TM.

8. uuuh Jasper’s Backstory Time. This is so infuriating to read for so many reasons. So we know that smeyer got Jasper’s name from a confederate memorial/ listing (from a New Moon Q&A but the link isn’t secure so I can’t share) so I know that his backstory was always meant to be Confederate Soldier which makes everything else about his characterization just baffling. Again, he was the only Cullen that was genuinely kind to Bella besides Carlisle for the entire first book and he’s still incredibly kind during Eclipse (which is another issue I have though because no one mentions again that Jasper tried to eat Bella and they stand close to each other and hang out and Bella’s never like “this is scary, this dude tried to kill me” but i digress). The point is: smeyer knew he was going to be a confederate from book 1. She never addresses that this was bad, she never has Jasper mention that he regrets his role in the war, he is the only Cullen that’s actually capable of empathizing with humans anymore (Carlisle cares but I would not categorize him as empathetic), it just... None of these pieces fit together. This is a fraught and bloody history that smeyer throws in with no thought to how it might alienate black readers (though tbh she constantly emphasizes “white beauty” throughout the series so I doubt she cares) and the editors don’t question it either. No one, at any point in time, said “Hey, steph, you know confederates fought for slavery, right?” Every black american deserves reparations. White women and men who glorify the civil war should be the first to pay up. 

9. I’m gonna jump back to chapters 9 & 10 here (target & scent, respectively) to say: no tension is being effectively built. I get it, someone stole your clothes. You’re annoyed because you have nothing to wear and Victoria is scary. But where is she? Where is the volturi? Move it along, please! This is one of the challenges of 1st person narrative because the author is stuck in the eyes of, usually, the person who knows the least. Meyer is not a talented enough author to make this interesting. Not to bring up THG again but Suzanne Collins really knew how to work 1st person. Everything that Katniss asserts with certainty throughout the series gets either confirmed or denied by the narrative, keeping it interesting. She assumes the worst of the people around her so we’re pleasantly surprised when people violate those assumptions. We’re kept on edge by how little Katniss knows and SC never gifts Katniss with more knowledge than she could be expected to have. Bella is constantly gifted with knowledge and her assumptions are rarely proven wrong. You can dig into the canon a little bit more, read the lexicon and the guide, and find all the examples of Bella being unreliable or making wrong assumptions. But within the narrative she is rarely incorrect. She doesn’t get opportunities to grow out of her false assumptions (while Edward does, at least in Eclipse). So to keep the Victoria debacle interesting, smeyer has to plant seeds like- during these two chapters- Bella thinking of Laurent and Victoria while the cullens discuss who could have been in Bella’s room. That just doesn’t cut it for me. 

This is hella long and I’m only halfway through the book. I probably should split the second half into two parts as well but based on how talented smeyer is at stretching out the mundane, especially just before the climax, I probably wont need to. 

[drawlfoy]

The Wonders of Ohio P.5

masterlist (check here for parts 1-4!) request guidelines

pairing: draco x reader

request: from 14 year old me babey

warnings: cringe, mentions of drug use, mentions of sex, language, and just bad writing

summary: y/n is in her senior year of high school when she is asked to take on an exchange student from britain that’s a little...different. this is NOT a nonmagic AU. draco is still a wizard and this will become and integral part of the story shortly.

a/n: heyyyy everyone. i graduated from high school this week and i’m posting this as my happy-one-year-to-me. as some of you may know, i posted my very first fic on this day a year ago. i’m really happy to see how i’ve grown since and i’m so lucky to have shared this with all of you. anyways, nittygritty--

this part is really the last slow exposition chapter. chapters 6 on will be a whole whirlwind beginning with homecoming and i hope that you guys are willing to stick around. i promise itll be worth the wait. y/n is going to get the story arc of a lifetime and also please do not hate heather she is just going through it ok 

anywayssssssss

tags tags tags  @gruffle1 @missmulti @cleopatera @hahaboop @accio-rogers @geeksareunique @eltanin-malfoy @war-sword @cams-lynn @itsivyberry @ayo-cowbelly @nerd-domland @erisdogwood @loveissupernatural

word count: 4.6k (;))

song recs: 

strawberry blonde -- mitski 

in your neighbors garden -- mimi bay

wishes -- beach house

ode to artifice -- samia 

pink in the night -- mitski

enjoy <3

The seatbelt buckle scorched the side of Y/N’s exposed neck as she turned to face the disheveled blonde in the passenger seat.

“Do I need to teach you to set an alarm?” 

Draco let out a huff. “Stop. Do you have a….a comb, or a brush, or something here?” His hands looked abnormally fidgety. Their actions were shaky, varying from patting his pockets to running through his hair. He seemed more and more frustrated each time his hands left his pockets empty. 

How curious Y/N thought as she racked her brain for any remembrance of putting a brush in her car. It was always a mess, and she honestly couldn’t blame Draco for assuming that anything could be in there.

“I don’t think there’s one here,” said Y/N, trying to sound at least a little sympathetic despite the fact that his tardiness had them 10 minutes late. “You can look around if you want, king.”

“What’d you call me?” His voice was suddenly sharp and awake.

Y/N rolled her eyes so hard that she thought they’d get stuck in the back of her head. “You don’t--ok. It’s a joke. You can call guys here that.”

“And it means that I’m…?”

“It means I’m acknowledging that you exist, I guess. It’s not like it has a strict negative or positive connotation. Like, I can say ‘Ok king’ to any man telling me something and it can either be sarcastic, or it can be because I don’t know what else to say and just want to let him know I heard him.”

Draco’s eyes looked a tad glazed over when Y/N dared a glance in his direction.

“I know it’s confusing. I’m sorry. I’ll try and ease you into the world of American slang.” 

He granted her a little “uh-huh” before opening up the glovebox with great difficulty and rummaging through the mess. Y/N would’ve felt more embarrassed about the tampon that fell on the ground in the process if he seemed like he actually knew what it was. 

Her attention turned back to the road as Draco continued to sift through things. Y/N couldn’t help but wonder if there was anything embarrassing hidden away in the corners of her car--after all, it hadn’t been organized since the beginning of summer--and decided that it was better to pretend it wasn’t happening.

It wasn’t the eerie silence that eventually prompted her to turn to look his direction--no, it was the weird energy in the car, like the feeling right before a thunderstorm. All the hair raised on her arms, and she shivered...but it was stifling hot in the car.

“Oh, did you find a brush?” she asked. His hair laid as perfectly as always, but his hands were lying shaking in his lap, palms to the sky. No hairbrush was in sight.

“Er... “ He was paler than usual, which was quite the feat for someone who looked like a ream of paper. “No. Just remembered a trick my father taught me.”

She tensed at the mention of his father--the very first time Draco had done so. “Oh. Okay. Glad you got it figured out, king.”

Her voice lightened on the last word, hoping she could coax a little smile out of him. 

“Don’t call me that.”

“Ok.”

oOo

 There were many things Y/N thought she understood, but Draco Malfoy being in her Physics C class was not one of them. She took pity and sat next to him as he fumbled his way through the first lecture. His notes, while neat, were littered with crossed out portions and question marks. 

You do know there’s an eraser on your pencil, right? she jotted on a note that she sent his way. His brow furrowed and he seemed to tap at the end of the eraser for just a few moments before deciding otherwise and xing out another practice problem he’d done incorrectly. Symbols that she’d never seen before were scattered all throughout his notes. 

Maybe the UK kids just learn stuff differently.

By the time that Physics came to an end, Y/N was eager to get away from the storm cloud that was brewing over Draco’s perfectly smoothed and infuriatingly pretty moonbeam colored hair. The amount of attention he was getting from all the other girls made Y/N want to jump off a cliff--suddenly everyone was her “best friend” “just wanting to check up on what happened over summer”. She was grateful to see the face of Lizzy, grinning and looking mischievous during their break period.

“You must be Draco,” said the redhead, a glint in her eyes. He looked a little scared.

“Er...yeah.”

“Mind giving us some privacy? Y/N and I have some urgent matters to discuss,” she continued, looking him up and down. Y/N attempted to ignore the twist in her gut as she watched him swallow and nod, turning away to go brood elsewhere. Once he was out of sight, Lizzy grabbed her arm and yanked her into the girl’s bathroom.

“It’s so funny how he’s following you around like a lost puppy,” Lizzy said. “Also, he’s gorgeous. If you don’t at least try to get some of that, then I’m never trusting your judgement again.”

“But, Li-”

“The boy’s a fucking walking Wattpad story cover. Dark, tragic past, unbelievably sharp jawline, rich parents, exotic accent....honestly, Y/N, I don’t know what else you could want.” 

“Mom literally called him my host brother,” said Y/N. The bathroom was starting to smell suspiciously like cotton candy. “That’s wrong. On so many levels.” 

“But you’re not related!”

“But it’s gross! And predatory! The kid doesn’t even know how to do basic algebra! I’m all he has!” 

Lizzy’s eyebrow found its new home in the middle of her forehead. “You’ve gone absolutely batty if you think that every girl cursed with attraction to men in Cincinnati wouldn’t jump his skin at the chance. Use your head, queenie. He’s not alone. Shoot your shot.”

Y/N opened her mouth to serve back a retort--that was definitely there, thank you very much--but decided against it once she realized that the bathroom had become dead silent. “Um...maybe we can go over this later.” She flickered her eyes over to the line behind them that was now intently hanging on their every word. “I forgot I had to talk to the counselor.”

Lizzy was smirking as they exited the bathroom and began the search for Draco. It didn’t take long--the circle comprised of Heather and her friends was more than enough of a giveaway that he was about. 

“Draco, sorry to make you wait,” Y/N called out. It took all her effort to abstain from cringing as her voice rang out across the group. Heather turned to send her a big smile.

“Hey Y/N! You didn’t tell me that Draco was from London!” 

“He’s not,” she responded. “He’s from Wiltshire.” 

“Wiltshire. Of course. That’s what I meant.”

Draco’s smile was tense as he looked down at Heather--who stood roughly 4 inches below him--but he was smiling, and that wasn’t something that Y/N was on the receiving end of frequently. She didn’t know whether to be offended or relieved.

“I’m sure. Break’s almost over, Draco. I can show you where the English department is before the time is up.” 

 He paused, looking down at the blonde grinning up at him. “Er, actually, Heather already offered to show me around for the rest of the day.”

“Yeah, for sure. I’ll see you in French.”

Y/N was shocked at the sheer amount of jealousy that rose up in her throat as she turned away and made her way to Art History---the only class Y/N and Draco didn’t share. The walk was strange. Being in solitude after having a gloomy British boy attached to her hip was understandably eerie. Because that’s all it was. Adjustment. Nothing else.

She settled in at a table full of her friends, namely Sylvia. The tall girl was always a bit whimsical, but Y/N found that she was a breath of fresh air compared to everyone else. It made sense that Sylvia would take Art History--her dark academic inspired aura and the perpetually hot mug of black coffee just screamed history nut. 

“How’s your new brother?” she asked after the teacher had taken attendance. “I say that because I haven’t heard his name yet.”

“Ick, it’s gross to think of him as my brother,” Y/N responded. “And I know! We need to catch up. I’m sorry about not talking to you for a bit. The time difference was a bit weird during your trip.”

“It’s ok, I get it. I was away on family business, anyways. I didn’t expect you to spend your days staying up until the wee hours of the night to tell me all about your exchange student. Anyways. His name?”

“You’re gonna scream when you hear it, Vie,” she said. “Draco Malfoy. It’s so posh. You have no idea. It definitely suits him, though. He’s very...You good?” 

Sylvia’s olive toned face looked a bit paler than usual. “Yeah. Yeah, I just remembered that I forgot to take the trash out this morning. I’ll have to text my mom about it.” She adjusted the wool cardigan that hung around her shoulders and came up looking composed. “Draco, huh? His parents must hate him.”

“At the very least! He’s so rude. And uptight. I can’t tell if it’s just a Brit thing or if it’s because he’s an asshole.” 

Sylvia laughed. “I mean, when I was there over the summer, it was a different culture for sure. We’re by far louder. But I didn’t meet many mean ones. You must’ve just got a bad apple, then.”

“I guess so. He is pret--”

“Ladies, is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?”

“No, Mrs. Jensen,” Sylvia and Y/N said in unison. 

oOo

“Thoughts, king?” 

“I told you not to call me that.” Draco glared at her as he tried to open the passenger side door to find that it was locked tight. “Unlock? Please?”

“And I told you not to get cozy with ASB kids, yet here we are,” said Y/N as she slotted the key into the lock and turned. 

“What’s it to you?”

“Nothing. I’m just looking out for you.” She slammed the door shut and threw her bag in the bag. The line of traffic to get out of the school was long and stuffy, and she was eager to just get it over with.

The wait was so hot that Draco peeled off his stupid formalish jacket that was on thin ice of being called a blazer and probably worth more than her car. Y/N tried to look away as his hair became slightly ruffled, but she couldn’t pry her eyes away. It was endearing, almost, how someone who could look so posh and serious could have ruffly hair--and hair that naturally light, too. She had asked him one night if it was dyed, and he scowled at her and told her the grammatically correct term was dead, and that his hair was alive, just like the rest of him, thank you very much. She dropped it. 

Y/N finally rolled down her window after the AC simply refused to satisfy her, and the wind was a nice reminder to keep in her own lane. Draco was beautiful. There was no other way to put it. He had a feel of power to him, like he was capable of anything but just held it back. But he was just as inaccessible as he was pretty, and there was nothing she could do about that.

“Y/N?” He asked after a few moments of sitting in silence. “What’s Homecoming?” 

“Who told you about that?” 

“Heather. She asked if I had a date. Is that like a ball here?”

“She asked you if you had a date on the first day?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck. ASB kids never do sleep, huh.” 

“What?”

“Homecoming isn’t a ball. It’s like a...an…” Y/N paused as she saw Draco raise his eyebrows. “It’s, like, uh….Well I guess it is like a ball. An American one, though. Way less extravagant. It’s an excuse to get dressed up and run around the city. There technically is a dance, and all the ASB kids have to go, but literally no one else does but the underclassmen. Normally I go out with my friends and a date to somewhere fun and take pictures. And then get trashed afterwards.”

“Classy,” said Draco. “I think you can go now.”

A honk behind her emphasized his point as the space in between her and the car in front widened substantially. 

“Thanks. Anyways, it’s not really a big deal. I’d suggest not going with Heather so you can skip out on the dance portion. Or if you want to go with her, get her to come with us into Cincinnati because I am not going to spend my last homecoming watching a grind circle.” 

“A...what circle? And I don’t want to go with her.”

The relief Y/N felt was embarrassing. “Um...better if you don’t worry about it. You have a long time to figure it out anyways.”

He seemed satisfied with that answer, propping his elbow up on the center console. The pristine button up he was wearing had ridden up, exposing the pale skin and the bottom of the tattoo she had seen a hint of earlier. “Do you have a date?”

“Um. No, not yet. I don’t think anyone except for couples do yet. We have until the end of this month to figure it out, so I’m not too worried about it.”

He nodded as Y/N’s car finally left the school parking lot and began picking up speed. 

“I’m assuming you had balls? At your posh boarding school?” 

“Er…” Draco ran his hand through his hair, ruffling it further. “We only had one. It was when I was 14. We called it the Yule Ball.”

“Why only one?”

“It was for a special occasion. We had two other schools join us as well. It was quite a good time.”

“So every student only has one ball in their lifetime?”

“Of course not. Some of us--the ones from old families--have events like that regularly.”

“I’m sorry if this is overstepping my bounds,” began Y/N, noticing how he tensed up, “So you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But, I’m just wondering, what is your family like?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like are they nice?”

“Oh.” The line in his forehead relaxed. “No. They wouldn’t like you.”

“Glad to hear it,” she said. “Do you like them?”

She heard the breath hitch in his throat. “I don’t know anymore.”

“I’m sure it’s hard to think about it when you feel like they’ve just shipped you off without anyone,” she added. “I’m really sorry, Draco. I know I’ve been a bit mean to you. I know that I’ll never be able to understand what you’re going through right now.”

The slight smile that spread across his face would’ve knocked her to her knees if she wasn’t already sitting down. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

The silence that awaited them for the rest of the journey was comfortable.

oOo

School began to pick up the pace after the first few days. Y/N got into the swing of homework and her extracurricular workload. Draco was having a bit more difficulty, she presumed, but he’d never admit to it. She took pity one evening and gave him her laptop opened to a Khan Academy tab for Physics and was pleased to see that he showed up to class the next day with completed homework. He asked to borrow her laptop on a much more frequent basis after that. 

The routine they settled into had her heart leaping into her chest almost constantly--they’d eat breakfast together at the table, Y/N would try to ignore how pretty he looked across the table as they shared a pot of black tea (earl grey, which Y/N was thrilled to learn was his favorite as well), they’d get in the car, she’d write him notes in physics to help him (even though he never asked, he always smile and give a little shake of his head before unfolding them and intently staring at her writing), they’d drive home together and bitch about their French teacher, he’d retire to his room and do whatever pretty blonde Brits do in the afternoon, they’d meet unexpectedly at the same time in the late evening to have a final cup of tea, and then they’d go to bed and do it all over again. 

It was difficult for her to admit, but Y/N was falling very quickly for Draco. It was gross, and wrong, and manipulative, and completely against the code of conduct for exchange families, but she couldn’t help but spend her days fantasizing about how his gold-spun hair would feel as she ran her fingers through it or how gently she’d trace her fingers around the tattoo on the soft flesh of his forearm…

But Y/N knew those thoughts weren’t right. And they would go away. Eventually. 

“How’s it going?” Sylvia asked, effectively snapping her out of her thoughts. The Art History sub told them to go into independent study, whatever that meant. Y/N was not very good at either of those words.

“Pretty good. I can’t believe it’s been 3 weeks already,” she said. “It’s gonna be Halloween before we know it.”

“I can’t fucking waitttt,” said Sylvia. “I’m gonna be Wednesday Addams.”

“Again?”

“What else would I be? I get a new high collared black dress every year. It’d be a shame if it were going to go to waste. What are you gonna be?”

“One of the thousands of students finishing their UChicago ED app hours before the deadline.”

“You’re kidding. Can’t you just finish it the day before?”

“Where’s the fun in that? And, plus, I don’t have an idea as cool as Wednesday.”

Sylvia smirked as she opened up her planner and began to jot down something. “How’s Draco doing? I haven’t seen much of him lately. It seems like he never hangs out with us at break anymore.”

“Yeah, I ended up getting him connected with the Physics teacher. He’s getting tutored now. He thinks it’s all bullshit, but I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t get into a good school.”

“Is that all you care about?” She smiled at Y/N. “Lizzy was telling me that you’re interested in him.”

“First of all, keep your voice down. Second of all, I’m not supposed to be, so I’m not.” Y/N hoped that the edge in her voice was convincing enough.

Her friend raised her eyebrows so dramatically that her glasses nearly slipped off her nose. “Y/N, who’s gonna hear about it. You guys are both going away at the end of the year anyways, and I’m sure he’s not going to be writing to his dear mum about his love life. If it’s consensual, there’s nothing wrong with it. I think it’d be good for both of you.”

“I see that, but let’s put me in his shoes right now.” Y/N shuffled in her seat and clasped her hands. “I’m rich. I’m British. I’m very hot. My parents throw extravagant balls for me and I kiss pretty girls that say water like ‘wota’. I’ve spent my life in silk and I only drink the finest teas. My family is so important that I had to be shipped off halfway across the world just to be safe. And now my incredibly expensive life has reached a peak because I’m sleeping with a random girl in Ohio that has run approximately 4 stop signs since I’ve met her.”

“You’re sleeping with Draco?” 

Y/N turned to see Lauren, a wide-eyed, obnoxious, but well meaning girl staring at her. She heard Sylvia stifle a laugh behind her. “No. I was kidding.” The smile that she followed with was awkward and showed way too many teeth. 

“Oh, okay,” said Lauren. “Do you know if he likes anyone?”

Sylvia’s smirk widened.

“No, actually, he’s a pretty private guy.” Y/N sent her another tense smile, and Lauren finally turned away.

“Jealous, huh?”

“Shut up, Vie. You know I wouldn’t go for him. Even if I had the chance.”

She just raised an eyebrow and smiled. 

The afternoon brought its own set of struggles. Their French teacher had blown up at another student who had been caught cheating on their last test, and it was all Y/N could do but hold back her snickers until they were out in the parking lot.

“I can’t believe they still managed to conjugate their cheat sheet wrong.” Y/N was gasping for breath as she unlocked the car door and threw her stuff inside. Draco was watching from the passenger seat, his lips in a soft upturn. “Can you imagine? Oh my god.”

He just shook his head and turned to look out the window, but she could see the smile slowly stretching across his face. “Ridiculous. You could totally tell Monsieur enjoyed it, too. I bet he gets off on making kids like Joey cry.”

“I had a teacher like that,” he started. “He was a Poti-a chemistry teacher.”

“Oh? Did he ever attack you?”

“No. He liked me. Family friends and all.”

“Ah. I almost forgot that your family was rich and influential. Thanks for the reminder.” She reached across and lightly punched his shoulder. His smile, though still remaining, seemed to shrink. “Hey, what’s that in your bag?” 

Y/N motioned to the cardstock peeking out of his nondescript black backpack that always seemed to fit more than it was meant to. She could make out a few words written in what looked like a bright red sharpie--something that did not exactly scream Draco Malfoy aesthetic.

He froze up. “Er. It’s from Heather. I think she called it a Homecoming ask?”

Y/N’s throat dried up to the point that no words would willingly make the climb from her diaphragm to her tongue; instead, she settled for giving him a little nod and what she hoped was a convincing smile.

“I told her I’d think about it,” he continued. “I remember you saying that the school dances sucked. So I let her know that I wasn’t sure yet.”

She nodded again. “Super cool. You can do whatever you want, though. You can come with my group if you’d like, but you’re welcome to go with Heather’s.”

“What? So you aren’t coming with me if I go with Heather?”

“Fuck no, dude. I don’t hate her, but I would way prefer to spend a night with my friends than some girl from my French class that only talks to me because she thinks you’re hot.” 

The expression Draco made reminded Y/N that he would never get comfortable with American girls calling him hot. “Ok. Have you found a date yet?”

“Chad from Econ asked me yesterday.”

“Is that why my seat was covered in glitter?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you going with him?” Draco’s hand was clenched tight in a fist in his lap.

“I think so,” said Y/N, steeling herself and deciding to just go for it. “But, of course, if you asked me I would say no to Chad. Just out of principle. I am supposed to be your tour guide, after all.”

The only parts of him moving were the few stray wisps of his hair being pushed around by the AC going. 

“But that’d be weird. I’d only expect you to take that up if you really didn’t want to go to the dance itself.” She swallowed and pulled out onto the main street, putting distance between them and the school. He was silent for a few moments. The quiet, normally comfortable between them, was stifling and strange. She pretended to ignore the way he was fiddling with his cuffs. 

“Yeah, it could be,” was all he said before slumping against the window and closing his eyes.

Mrs. Y/L/N was sitting at the head of the coffee table when the two arrived home, carding between a stack of letters in front of her. The mug of something--probably that new decaf blend she hadn’t stopped raving about--was sitting lopsided on a coaster, just barely about to topple off the edge. She looked like she hadn’t moved for hours, the novel she had been previously reading sat face down to preserve the spot next to her no doubt lukewarm drink.

“Hey Mom,” Y/N said as she set her keys down. “Anything good?”

She looked up, her expression morphing from startled to happy. “Other than the college brochures? Nothing, except...hm, what’s this?”

Her well manicured hand pulled at a crimson envelope, with sloping writing that seemed to shimmer in the light. 

To the Y/L/N Family, it read. The loopiness of the writing looked like it wiggled at the ends, but that had to be a trick of the light. It was dim in the kitchen during afternoons, after all. 

“It looks cool, open it u--”

“No!”

Draco’s voice had never sounded so loud as it did then as he lunged across the kitchen, snatching it out of her mother’s hand and clutching it to his chest. “Er, it’s for me. I recognize the handwriting.”

 “Cool, see you later,” said Y/N. She was up the stairs and slamming her door before either of her housemates could say another word. After the horrible embarrassment that was technically Draco’s rejection, she needed to be alone. 

Even burying her face into her pillow and squeezing her eyes shut didn’t keep the scenes from their car ride at bay. She had been so stupid, so stupid. Why did she even think he wanted that? He was her brother, after all. Oh god, does he think we’re all from Alabama or something?

She wallowed for a few more mournful minutes before deciding that she had to pick herself up and handle it like an adult. After all, she was going to be 18 in just a few months. There was no excuse for her to act like a child anymore. And, plus, it wasn’t like she couldn’t just play this off as a pity invite. Yes,that’s what she’d frame this as if he ever asked her about it again. She felt bad for him was all it was. 

Once satisfied with her internal dialogue, she rolled out of bed and made for the foyer where her bag was still on the table. She’d first walk on Legos barefoot before she had to let a stupid boy--especially one that didn’t know how to turn on their shower and had to ask for her help every time--come between her and her 4.0. Never.

Her thoughts were cut short, however, when she heard a new sound from his side of the hallway. She froze, listening closely. 

Draco was crying.

[sylvain-writes]

Guarded Hearts and Safe Houses (Leonardo x Reader) Chapter 5/9

Rated: T

Gender Neutral Reader, canon typical violence/injury, light angst, strangers to lovers, supportive family

for @melodiousmelodrama

As expected, your parents welcome the turtles into their apartment, offering them a safe space for as long as necessary. Their only concern is for the wellbeing of their new friends.

“Just for the day,” Leo tells your family, and his brothers look up, none protesting but clearly confused. “I have a place,” Leo explains. “It’s not set up or anything. We have a lot of work to do. Donnie, you’ll need help bringing stuff your stuff up from the sewers and we’ll have to abandon the van for a while-”

“Whaddaya mean, ya have a place?” Raphael sits forward, leaning onto his knees where he sits at Gram’s feet helping her roll cakes of yarn.

“An abandoned subway station. It’s not perfect, but it’s ours.”

Donatello rubs his chin. “Subway?”

“Are there trains?” Mikey’s open expression is full of wonder and hope.

“Yeah. There’s a car for each of us. No more bunk sharing or falling all over each other, fighting for space. But, the place needs some work.”

"Oh." Mikey's enthusiasm wavers as he spares half a glance toward Raphael, but he smiles up at Leo. "That's cool, bro!"

"Yeah, Leo." Donatello adds from the kitchen. "Sounds  great."

Leo tries not to take their drop in enthusiasm personally. But after all the work he’s putting in - searching for a place, fixing it up - even this slight rejection hurts. "Look, I wish we could get an apartment and play house with all this fancy stuff too, alright? But don't get used to it. This isn't our life. It's never going to be. The subway's gonna be good for us. You'll see."

" 'Course it is, man. You always know what's best." Raphael sounds sincere, but Leo turns in a huff as if his brothers had turned up their snouts at his announcement.

"I'll show you to a room where you can get some rest," you say gently. The whirlwind of the past 36 hours must have him exhausted. You could use some sleep as well.

Leo thanks you for access to the shower and for the bed, your bed, your room. And he turns himself in.

You call out of work and get a few hours of sleep before restlessness kicks in. You're not used to sleeping during the day. When you wake up, the guys are in various states of unrest as well.

Leo still hasn't come out.

Donnie announces, "He's asleep," and his brothers don't question it. But you raise an eyebrow at his quick assessment. "I compared his breathing against known patterns. It helps to know the difference between Leo asleep, Leo meditating, and Leo pretending to do either."

"Didn't take him for one to play pretend."

“He keeps his secrets," Raphael says, his tone a bit bitter. There's a history there, you think. "But he's always got his reasons. Thinks he knows what's best for us." Raphael shrugs, as if coming to a conclusion he's come to before. "He usually does."

No one is surprised when Leo sleeps through the day. And no one blames him. But when the pizza delivery fills the apartment with the smell of hot tomato sauce and melted cheese, they all expect him to show at the table. He doesn't, and even Mikey can't make his "More for me, then" sound free of his worry.

"Is he gonna be alright? If we leave him?" You want to go to him. You barely know Leo, but he's let you see him vulnerable before. You think maybe his vulnerability is one of the things his brothers know he hides. Maybe he doesn't realize they see. Anyway, you don't want to force him.

"Sensei usually knows what to do."

"Splinter-” you nod along “-have you heard from him? Is he coming?"

Donatello shakes his head, but doesn't seem concerned. "His last transmission noted his safety. He'll contact us again soon."

You pick olives off your pizza and line them up as you think aloud. "Until then, you'll help Leo with the station?"

Raphael piles three slices onto his plate, before lifting a fourth from the box straight to his mouth. "We go where Leo goes. He found us a spider-infested death trap to live in… we'll go."

An olive slips off the rim of your plate. "How did you know it was spider-infested?"

"Ya came in before covered in cobwebs and shit. But whatever. Sewer wasn't no palace either." There’s no embarrassment or judgment in Raph’s tone. Leo should be here, hearing his brothers support his decision.

"He seems really excited about it. I mean… hopeful, y'know?"

"Yeah." Donatello passes you his slices of mushrooms and you pass them on to Mikey who gobbles them up with gusto. "We never said we didn't like the idea. It's just not home, that's all."

You can sympathize. "We moved around a lot when I was younger. Always trying to find a better placement for mom. A safer community for me to grow up in. It wasnt the house that made it home. It was having my family around."

"Yeah, yeah,” Raph grumbles. “Real Hallmark life changing stuff. But he's not worried about keeping us together, remember? We each get a car to ourselves. He's splittin us up."

Mikey goes quiet, stops eating, drops his hands into his lap.

You don’t know what to do, what to say, to make this better. You think, if they would just talk to Leo about this, it could all be straightened out. But the rest of the meal is silent. It seems the brothers don’t even feel up to talking to each other.

When Leo emerges from the room, he announces it's time to go. "We have to patrol. They tried to hit us where it hurts. But we're resilient. And we’re not going to let the Krang take our city.”

You narrow your eyes at Leo and wonder if he’s ignoring the strain on his brothers - or if he just can’t see it. You wonder if he can read the loss in their eyes, if he can understand that ordering them to brush themselves off and push through another night of patrol might not be in their best interest right now.

Leo stands taller. “I said, we’re moving out. Let’s go.”

Donatello is the first to stand from the table. He grabs his pack from behind the couch and waits by the window while Leo opens it and climbs into the night. Raphael knocks Mikey’s shoulder and jerks his head toward their brothers as if to say, “We better head out too.”

“I’m sorry you couldn’t stay longer.” You look at their plates of half eaten food and wonder why Leo hadn’t at least let them finish.

“Forget about it,” Raph says with half a frown. “We knew it wouldn’t last.”

“Yeah, right,” Mikey agrees, heading for the fire escape. “We don’t belong in some fancy place like this. But I really like how the carpets match the drapes.”

The observation awards him a smack on the arm.

“What? What’d I say?”

“Kids,” Raphael chuckles, embarrassed for everyone in the room. “He doesn’t know what he’s talkin’ about. Excuse us.” He ushers Mikey out and refuses to explain innuendo to his little brother. “Thanks for all the, uh… thanks.”

Mikey looks back at your family before he leaves. “I really do like the-” his compliment becomes a shout of surprise as Raphael tears him away from the window and to the roof.

Over the next few nights, you get rather used to seeing turtles on the roof. The Krang’s forces are growing in number, but as they continue to remain in hiding, everything feels like speculation. And so, the turtles rotate watch on your building. It makes stargazing more interesting. Especially on nights when Donatello is around. Raphael is kind of a mess. Always on high alert and rarely interested in standing still long enough to enjoy something as simple and amazing as the moon and stars. But Donatello is full of knowledge about the cosmos.

Some nights you and Donnie discuss the possibility of life on other planets. It seems like Donnie enjoys the distraction, until you realize he’s talking about the likelihood of alien attacks.

Mikey has a special interest in astrology, which surprises and delights you to no end. He loves telling you his brothers’ horoscopes and making connections within their lives to prove how absolutely on point astrology is.

Finally, you ask, “How do you know when your birthdays are? I mean, weren’t you all exposed to the mutagen at the same time?”

Mikey explains, “It’s all in the stars. I didn’t choose our birthdays. Our birthdays chose us.” And points to the astrological chart in his lap as if it held the answers to the universe, which, if he were to argue the point, it did.

You just nodded, letting him have his way.

Leo doesn’t patrol your roof. Not once. Not, like, ever. And you’ve looked for him. You’ve asked about him. But the most you’ve ever gotten is a weird sigh from Raphael and some grumbling about Leo cleaning up his own messes.

After two weeks, you drop the subject of Leo completely. If he doesn’t want to see you, then you definitely don’t want to see him.

“How is the new place coming along?”

Mikey rocks from side to side on the edge of the building where the two of you have been tearing up bits of dying leaves and let them float on the wind. “I got my own room.”

Through the corner of your eye, you catch Mikey worrying his bottom lip and decide to wait for him to say more before responding.

“I’m right between Donnie and Raph. It’s pretty cool. I got a bed. And, uh, my music and stuff is all set up. But Raph took half the comic books. Donnie said I can borrow the textbooks anytime I want but…”

“What was your set up like before?”

“Huh?”

“At the Lair. Did you each have your own room?”

“Oh. No. Well, Leo did. He and Donnie had their own. Raphie and I shared,” Mikey’s voice got quieter as he spoke.

“What was it like, rooming with Raph?”

“It sucked. He smells bad after workouts and his cologne smells worse. And he says I snore. And he always moved my stuff and used my headphones without asking.”

“And you miss him.”

“And I miss- Hey…”

“It’s OK to miss him.” You pass Mikey a new leaf to tear. “I bet he misses you, too.”

“I bet he misses my headphones. For sure. He’s always breaking his.”

“He ever break your stuff?”

“Nah. Never. I wasn’t scared he was gonna break ‘em. I just didn’t want them smelling like Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch.”

You laugh at that and Mikey loosens up a bit. “You share a wall with Raph, right?”

Mikey shrugs. “Kinda. Like a window.”

You lean back on your hands for support and look up at the sky with a smile. “I have an idea.”

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Close To You

[UK Tour]

i needed some Momward, so i wrote some Momward. enjoy the Momward.

Word count: 1792

-----------------

It was an accident. Joan swore to Howard up and down that she hadn’t meant it, but that didn’t erase Howard’s need to discuss the incident. Joan didn’t seem to see the point and avoided her ex-queen like the plague until she was finally cornered three days later in the break room. For once, her caffeine addiction was a blessing, at least for Howard.

  “K-Katherine,” Joan breathed out shakily. Her hands have already started to quiver, even though Howard only just got inside. Though, her muscles, size, and the way she shut the door behind her may have been a little intimidating. 

  “I just want to talk.” Howard said, harmlessly holding her hands out in front of her. It was like she was trying to tame a wild animal or something, and Joan may as well have been one with that threatened look on her face.

  “I-if this is about what happened on Monday, th-then I’m really, really sorry, Katherine.” Joan said, like all the other times, always apologizing for the most minor of inconveniences. “I-I didn’t-- I don’t know what happened. I-I just-- I don’t know. S-something c-came over me a-and--”

Howard set a hand on her shoulder and Joan shut up instantly with a tiny squeak. Her eyes were absolutely massive and filled with so much fear.

  “A-are you going to hit me?” Joan asked quietly.

The question came like a punch to the stomach. Howard actually recoiled away slightly, blinking in disbelief.

  “What? No! Joan, no, I’m not going to hit you!” She said. “Why would you ever think that?”

Joan shrugged and looked away. Howard could practically see the painful anxiety clawing up and down her insides.

  “Joan, honey, I’m not mad at you.” Howard told her.

  “But you’re disappointed?” Joan guessed.

  “No. I’m not.” Howard said. “Why would I be disappointed in you?”

  “B-because I--” Joan shut her mouth and tried to look anywhere else but the queen in front of her. Cold sweat was now beaded on her forehead and she looked much paler than she usually did.

  “Honey,” Howard sighed, and Joan actually flinched away from her as if she had actually spit acid on her face. “Joan, I need you to take a breath for me. I think you may be having an anxiety attack.”

  “I’m sorry,” Joan whispered in a tight, strangled voice that just confirmed Howard’s suspicions. “I-I didn’t mean to, Katherine, I-I really didn’t--”

Howard slowly lowered Joan to the floor. It wasn’t the most ideal place to have an anxiety attack, but Howard would be a little less concerned if Joan weren’t on her feet in case she may faint. 

  “Joan, you don’t need to apologize,” Howard said.

  “B-but it was weird. And embarrassing. And pathetic and--” Joan coughed, and lightning bolts of worry zigzagged through Howard.

  “Breathe, sweetheart,” Howard instructed, rubbing Joan’s back firmly. “Come on, Joan. It’s okay. Just breathe.”

Joan looked at her, then nodded, sucking in a shaky breath. After a moment, she began to fall into a rhythm of steady breathing, although her entire body continued to quake.

  “Good girl,” Howard praised. She reached out and brushed some hair out of Joan’s face, and that touch alone was enough to make Joan lean into it hungrily. 

They seemed to notice this at the same time because Joan was jerking away so hard she nearly knocked herself over a second later.

  “Oh god,” Joan muttered, eyes wide in horror. “I-I did it again. I’m so sorry, Katherine, I’m so, so sorry!”

Howard frowned. She remembered what happened three days ago, when Joan nuzzled her cheek against the hand she rested on her shoulder, and realized that Joan really was as touch starved as she had been speculating. The girl once again pressing into such a simple touch proved it all.

  “Joan, what was your family like?” Howard asked.

Joan was taken aback slightly. “I-I--” She floundered for a moment. “They weren’t--there. They left. I don’t even remember their names.”

That explained a lot.

  “I don't really have a family,” Joan mumbled. “I mean, I’ve got--” She paused, looked up as if in thought, then shook her head. “No, nevermind. Don’t have them.”

  “What about the other Ladies?” Howard pressed, growing more and more concerned by the second.

Joan smiled at her sadly. “Nope.” She said. “Not even them. I live alone, so that probably explains it.”

Howard stared at her contemplatively. It then cleared with a smile as she grasped Joan’s shoulder and said breezily, “I’ll be your family, then.”

This time, it was Joan’s turn to stare, and she did so like a snowy owl that was just grabbed out of midair.

  “What?” Joan’s voice came out in a husky whispered.

Howard continued smiling at her blithely, as though it was normal to offer your coworker and ex-lady in waiting a family. “Why not? I mean, already got five other queens and a bassist who bleaches her hair for fun, so why not add one more to the bunch?”

Joan shifted. The repressed excitement that had been glowing in her wide eyes dulled slightly at that. Howard saw her disbelief and carried on, “I like challenges. Especially those who’re kinda lacking in the love department.” She nudged Joan playfully and the girl just about burst into tears.

Wait, no-- She was just actually tearing up.

  “Are you alright?” Howard asked softly, ducking her head to meet Joan’s gaze,

Joan, clearly unable to speak without her voice wavering, nodded stubbornly, but the damage had been done. Tears were flowing down her cheeks rapidly, no matter how hard she scrubbed at her eyes.

  “Oh, honey,” Howard murmured. “Do you want a hug?”

Joan shook her head, but Howard could practically see her skin crawling with ache. The poor thing’s body craved affection. It was a primal instinct, one ingrained in human history. 

Joan folded her arms into herself, crushing the fabric of her jacket, and shook her head. Howard knew she wanted to, but she was scared of embarrassing herself again.

  “No.” Joan said hoarsely.

Howard just waited patiently. 

  “No.” Joan shook her head much more. The tears are coming down much faster, now. Her body screamed with intense sorrow and longing.

  “Sweetheart.”

Joan succumbed. 

With a muffled sob, she slowly opened her arms and did desperate grabby hands (which, by the way, were the cutest things Howard has ever seen before) and Howard swooped in, enveloping her in her embrace. Joan dug her nails into the fabric of the queen’s shirt as though clinging for dear life. And she may as well been, Howard thought, because letting go seemed like a death sentence to Joan at this point.

Howard cooed to Joan softly. When she began to run her fingers through Joan’s white-blonde locks, the girl let out a sob and leaned into the hand. Worry set like a heavy stone inside Howard’s stomach. 

  “You’re touch starved, aren’t you?” Howard said softly. She leaned Joan back slightly so she could look at her face and Joan instantly whimpered in distress at the loss of the embrace. She stroked her cheek with the back of her fingers to calm her and Joan pressed into that, too, eyelids fluttering shut. “Has no one really touched you?”

Joan opened her eyes to look at her and she shrugged before closing them again. “There was my brother,” She said. “But it’s been a really long time and he wasn’t the same as...as this…”

Howard wondered how this girl had gone on for so long without any sort of affection, verbal or physical. She looked down at Joan, nuzzling against her hand like a kitten seeking warmth (and practically purring like one, too), and felt a swell of fierce protectiveness well up inside of her.

  “I care about you,” She said fondly.

Joan stiffened. Then, a moment later, she’s shoving Howard in the chest.

  “Katherine, stop it.” She growled, though her voice was small and shaky.

Howard pulled her back into her arms, meeting little resistance. “I mean it, Joan.” She cupped the back of Joan’s head and tucked it underneath her chin. Joan doesn’t fight that, either, and Howard knew how badly she needed this touch.

  “No, you don’t.” Joan said anyway. “You say you care and you’ll welcome me, only to leave again. Everyone always leaves. I’ve always been left behind. I’ve always been alone. Don’t - don’t say things you don’t mean."

  “But I do mean it.” Howard sits up and grabs her shoulders. 

  “B-but I’m clingy, Katherine,” Joan said miserably. “I’m never going to stop following you around now. I’m always going to be seeking your approval and love and affection. You’re going to get tired of me.”

  “No I won’t.”

  “Yes you will.” Joan sobbed. “I’ve seen it happen before, Katherine! First my brother, then my husband. I just wanted love. All the time. And not the kind her wanted. I just wanted to be held and needed and--” She whimpered weakly. “He would get mad at me because I would always be following him around, but that didn’t change anything. And then there was also the thing with Henry when I got so desperate and--”

  “Wait-- The what with Henry?”

  “I-it doesn’t matter,” Joan stammered, and Howard made a mental note to ask her about that later. “It’s gonna happen again, Katherine. I know it. I-I always lose people. I’m always alone.”

  “Not anymore.” Howard said firmly.  “Never again, Joan. I’ll hold you, alright?”

Joan looked up at her, sniffling. “Why?” She asked weakly. “Why are you doing this? I-I don’t-- I don’t understand.”

  “Then let me make you understand,” Howard said. “Give me a chance.” She pulled Joan against her tightly, then pressed a kiss to the top of her head, which made Joan dissolve into sobs all over again. “I’ll show you, sweetheart. I won’t let you be alone again.”

Joan whimpered. The poor thing was so worked up that she couldn’t even speak anymore. She just buried her face in Howard’s chest and cried.

  “Get it all out, sweetie,” Howard murmured to her soothingly. “You probably haven’t cried like this to anyone in a long time, huh? Oh, you sweet, sweet girl… I’m not going to let you go. It’s okay. I’m right here, baby.”

Joan would continue to cry for quite some time, not that Howard blamed her. She had so many emotions all pent up inside her frail little body; they must have been eating away at her. Her letting them all out like this was good.

  “Thank you,” Joan gasped. “Thank you, Katherine, thank you, thank you…”

  “It’s my pleasure, honey, really,” Howard smiled lovingly down at the girl. “I’m here now. I won’t let you go, I promise.”