#(not that im likely going to be super active as it is
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trying to figure out if the continued nausea is related to intense stress and travel schedule or something simple like food poisoning or an infection
#21 hours of driving complete and I have about 12 more to go to take friend home#apologies for not being super active online#im currntly trying to queue up art and asks so it doesn't seem like it#i havent even unpacked or gotten the chance to get out my con haul yet#im exhausted and possibly ill and been upsetty spaghetti#i did however come up with a short nari/lamb one shot though#sara shush#edit: adding a 'queued while traveling' tag to my posts
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Every Boromir hater makes my enormous love for him grow stronger. Sorry you couldn't understand him, I get him tho and we're holding hands and the whole of Gondor is laughing at you
#lotr#boromir#tbh i think id actually have a good time chatting w a boromir hater if they knew and understood the material but still hated him#cuz most people who dislike this man do because of very shallow reasons#'he was upset looking down at narsil' one can only wonder why that has baggage for a gondorian and the stewards son#'he didnt accept aragorn at first' yea i bet when a dirty ass ranger claims the throne of a kingdom without having lived there#when your fam took care of it for several generations it doesnt feel super great and you Might be a bit upset and worried about it#'he tried to take the ring from frodo' despite disagreeing w the councils decision he still earnestly followed them to destroy the ring#and he only fell after weeks of traveling as the ring whispered to him threats of destruction#one that unlike the rest of the fellowship was already Actively happening and had been happening for a long time#you see ur cities fall and people die everyday as the 1st line of defense against ultimate evil and we tell you not to use a perfect weapon#while said weapon tells you yes it will fix everything just grab it go on boy#and echoes words your father has been pushing onto you all throughout#it feels like people just have no sympathy compassion or understanding for all he's gone through or for the power of the ring#deep breath. im ok#im normal about boromir and my heart doesnt shatter at every rewatch of his death#id have followed you my steward.
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I keep seeing fanarts of ppl's OC's being on the ship, so do you think that if there was 6st crewmember (specifically, another woman) Anya would've been more safe? Like, someone to actually call Jimmy's begaviour out, someone Anya might wanna trust? Is there a possibility something might have changed (even if a little) or it would not have mattered at all?
-💀
I feel like the game would make it part of the commentary on where she would believe and help Anya but still be sort of dismissive? Like the whole “don’t waste time crying and being scared keep going and move on, don’t let him win”. It’s supposed to be positive and reinforcing but sometimes it does more damage in those times of mourning and grief, it feels patronizing, like you don’t understand what you’re going through but they do. Even if they did call out his behavior it’s still on Curly to act and while another voice would help, it’s still 4 against 2 on guys that don’t get it until they have to vs women who always have to.
I don’t mind mouthwashing OCs but I do get a bit bored as they tend to be borderline saviors or like Jimmy aligned. They are either more complicit than Curly or just Jimmy haters for no reason, outside of what the creators know about what he did to Anya. I am never irked by OCs but in a story like mouthwashing you really need to think about what your character adds to the commentary, especially if they are there during the crash. It’s nice to have like characters on Anya’s side more whole heartedly and interesting to see characters who placate Jimmy but sometimes it’s one note.
I can’t and don’t want to police peoples OCs it’s never my intention when I comment on trends I notice, but I do feel like the way people make their OCs interact with these two characters and especially Curly, really show a grave misunderstanding of the narrative and these characters as people vs roles in the story. Still, I know people just make up characters for fun and that’s fine. Great even, but I guys I’m focusing more on OCs that are supposed to have those serious dynamics. My favs tend to be pretty-Tulpar or post-Tulpar au OCs.
The inevitably of the crash is on Jimmy. He did that not because he wasn’t stopped but because all his means to kill Anya were taken. The gun, the axe. Even if Curly did strip him of his co-pilot privileges and try to keep him contained there’s only so many people. An extra body helps but they have jobs they have to do, he’s the only one steering the whole ship and Jimmy would likely have an out: food, bathroom, etc. He’s not new and if he couldn’t crash the ship directly, who’s to say he wouldn’t sabotage something else? A clunker like the Tulpar wouldn’t take much. An extra person helps but it’s just another thing that prolongs what a person like Jimmy is willing to do to shirk responsibility.
It’s more than just needing someone to stand up to him and think that’s what is missing when it comes to inserting a character into the mouthwashing setting.
#like again most people treat Jimmy like a misanthrope and he’s not and the way he’s just evil/rude to everyone all the time just isn’t real#like he’s snarky and rude but it can’t be 100% of the time like hes not going out his way to instigate#he’s the type to say shit and hope it stirs the pot like Daisuke likes him at first#thinks he’s a bit of a jerk but he likes him like unless you specifically make a character he’s dislike he’s not just gonna be#readily antagonistic to strangers or at the get go#not to mention it’s not just about Anya needing a friend but someone with the power to do something#a point in why she confides in Curly is he’s the captain she’s not just gonna tell the only other woman just because it’s still personal#not every girl tells their friend or another woman especially if they are new and they don’t know how they react not all girls are#girls girls some can be just as toxic as the men they are being confided in about#the nuance of the situation is not solved by having more people who actively hate jimmmy if anything it would make him escalate further as#clearly has issues with how people perceive him and being liked like another woman who hates him that’s gonna do something crazy in his mind#I think it’s interesting when OCs explore another side of the pre established dynamics as Jimmy uses each remaining crew member to fill a#something Curly provided for him and represent his dynamic with Anya and being an abuser I just feel like a lot is being missed out on#and it’s mainly cause people don’t want to make OCs that aren’t great people like it’s okay to have a grey mediocre OCs in situations like#this its realistic and helps you write more grounded characters like idk i like the ocs but eh im not like a super fan#I really should make an analysis on Jimmy cause people hate discussing him and his character is being really misunderstood#like not saying she’s innocent or an excuse but just not getting how he is supposed to work like he’s no dick fucking dasteredly#he’s a shitty guy who gets shittier like he ain’t start out an avengers level threat#mouthwashing#💀 anon#mouthwashing game#ask#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing oc#now I gotta make an oc just to prove myself but I can’t draw#so maybe not cuz what’s the point if I can’t explain the fly drip
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My purpose and singular mission in life is to make sure queer and/or neurodivergent kids know that sometimes it really is their parents who are stupid and other adults are on their side. This, unfortunately, does not make me popular with their parents. Gonnae keep doing it though.
#kid was very overwhelmed by the theatre environment and panicking and didnt want to see the show cause it looked scary#and the mum was trying to get me to tell the kid its not scary (no i dont lie to kids i told her there are lots of funny bits but a couple#of maybe scary bits too)#and I told her hey listen the bravest thing you can do is tell people you arent comfortable somewhere. youve done so well to do that#and i gave her a program so she can learn more and make an informed decision if she wants to come another time#and i asked her what her favourite things are and she said science and animals and i told her to try the museum its super fun#and her mum was all 'ugh shes a nightmare she's ~on the spectrum~'#and i went yeah me too. and told the kid this isnt for everyone and she did well to tell me and i hope she likes the museum#and like. her mum yelling at her was making everything worse. talking to her like a person with agency?#got her from full panic attack to actively smiling at me in under 5 minutes#sometimes your parents or guardians are in fact being stupid or rude! neurodivergent adults exist! other people see you and hear what you're#saying and won't be mad!#anyway. now IM very overwhelmed but i really hope that kid remembers this and i hope she has a great day#im going to get a coffee and sit under a tree for a while
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is it too much of a reach to say that zelda being reduced to basically an object to farm items from in totk just kinda adds more salt to the wound of how badly shes treated?
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#i know im nitpicking#but i have talked about the big problems alot already#and now i start to see the smaller thingy that dont feel good#i guess you could see it as well if she wasnt farmable for items it would be weird compared to the other dragons#or that you are supposed to realize that you have been farming items from your best friend the whole time is to mean something#or maybe its just a game mechanic#i knew super early that the dragon was zelda#and when i saw i need items from her to upgrade my armor i was like .... im not gonna shoot out heR TEETH WTF#good thing she remembers nothing i guess#so she doesnt have to cope with the fact that link kept shooting off her scales - claws - teeth and horns#god i just want to see her have agency for once#and no i dont count begging unnamed faceless champion mcguffin guys to do a swear or dragonfying herself when she had no other option#thats not a character moving the plot but the plot shoving around a character imo#i want to see her go around HER hyrule and talk to people- solve mysteries- get more competent at defending herself- actively doing anythin#gnawing on wood as we speak
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i hope this doesn't sound like a silly or weird thing to send you, but i'm autistic and have long thought of nico and a handful of other riordanverse characters as autistic and i love your posts about why nico in particular seems intentionally autistic-coded. but i've been thinking, if rick did intend for any of his characters to be autistic, why wouldn't he say so outside of the text at least? i can't think of a good reason why not, when he goes out of his way to be explicit about so many other characters' various marginalized identities and has confirmed things like reyna being asexual outside of the original text. so it gives me this nagging sort of doubt that maybe rick just made nico come off as so extremely autistic coded by accident, somehow. if it wasn't an accident i do kind of wish he'd say so because there's next to zero explicitly stated autistic representation in, like, any media so it'd be nice to have here even if not strictly necessary. either way though, like i said, i love your posts and i agree with you 100% about autistic nico! some others i like to think are autistic are annabeth and leo.
(Most of this is gonna be kind of a tangential ramble to your point and i apologize in advance just bear with me)
This actually touches upon something I've been meaning to do a write-up on recently, which is: depending on the coding, that is our explicit statement. In most coding, actually, that's kind of the point. (Also something something Death of the Author.)
You may have noticed a recent trend across media of characters saying things directly rather than expressing them in a natural way, and often this includes incredibly stilted dialogue of characters explaining things in very politically correct, wikipedia-esque descriptions and terminology that make absolutely no sense for the characters' personalities or mannerisms. This is born out of the idea that if something is not stated in explicit terms, no amount of evidence below an outright direct exact statement will ever count - if two characters of the same gender have an explicit kiss and wedding on-screen, it doesn't matter because they never said the word "gay," etc etc.
In PJO, prior to more recent books, we get plenty of examples of characters explaining parts of their identities without direct statements. Percy never needs to say in outright terms that he has PTSD from Gabe - and it doesn't make sense that he would! He's 12! He's never been diagnosed for that. He probably doesn't even know what PTSD is really. But we, the audience, know without a doubt he has PTSD, because it is clearly expressed to us. That is coding. Tyson is coded as having down syndrome. Nico is coded as being autistic. It doesn't make sense for Nico to turn to the camera and explain that he's autistic and what that means, because he definitely never got diagnosed for it and probably doesn't know what that means cause the diagnosis literally did not exist when he was growing up - and heck, autism terminology was still kind of getting sorted out back in 2007 when TTC was published, so it's unlikely we could have feasibly gotten any exact terminology wink-wink-nudge-nudges short of something like how Percy outright mentions other students called Tyson the r-slur in Sea of Monsters. And in fact we see that same exact style of coding with Nico later on in the series. Nico never turns to the camera and says word-for-word "I am gay, I am mlm, here's me wearing my exact pride flags" (until TOA/TSATS, which... did the exact thing i mentioned about characters speaking like theyre trying to get a good grade in therapy, or giving a powerpoint presentation). But it is never unclear that HoO is telling us outright that Nico is gay. It's not just hinted at. It's there, in your face. But entirely because no one ever outright says "gay" specifically it's technically still only coding. We know he's gay, we know the characters have trauma/ptsd, etc etc. We don't need it spelled out - that's just kind of condescending. It's like if you said describing a character with "eyes like moss" means they were "green-eye coded."
Nico being autistic-coded isn't hidden. It's not a secret. It's very overt. If you know what autism looks like, well, yeah, there he is. Even if you only know very vague 2007 media presentation of autism, Nico in TTC is easily recognizable enough as autistic because that's the point. Tyson is easily recognizable as being coded as having down syndrome and it's very clearly very intentional! It's just never spoon-fed in exact terms to the reader because it's not necessary! You've already been told the information necessary to tell you what is up with this character, so just plainly going "oh they're [x] in exact terms" is very much telling-not-showing and feels redundant. And while there are places for that kind of thing, most of the time it's very unnecessary. Sometimes coding is subtle, sometimes it's obvious, and yeah there are times where writers code characters unintentionally, but the textual evidence is there, and that's the whole point.
And that's what Death of the Author is about - it doesn't matter what the author intended at the end of the day, because if it's in the text it's in the text. You can look at author intent to try and figure out what that text means, but the text is the text. A Separate Peace is a very classic example - author John Knowles denies there being homosexual subtext, and meanwhile one of the protagonists living in 1942 puts on a pink shirt while saying he doesn't mind of people think of him as gay. What the author says after the fact doesn't matter - if it's there, it's there. So Rick saying anything outside of the books is completely irrelevant. And Rick talks about this a lot - he actively tells people that his statements outside of the books are just his own thoughts, but what's in the books is what's in the books, and if the text supports it then that's all the evidence you need.
Nico specifically is a case where yeah, he's clearly autistic-coded. It's very obvious and very obviously intentional when he's younger, and as the books progress it remains a background trait of his but is still notable (except for when it gets forgotten in TOA/TSATS like everything else, including the adhd/dyslexia, but i digress). It's a clear pattern within the first few books that Rick is intentionally including. It doesn't make sense, especially for the year the book was published, for the reader to be directly told in explicit terminology that Nico is autistic, because the reader is already being told that Nico is autistic.
And yeah, Rick doesn't mention Nico being autistic-coded outside of the text, but he also doesn't mention Tyson being coded as having down syndrome. He also said one time that Percy doesn't have PTSD at all, which is very incorrect starting from book 1. Again, Death of the Author. Whatever Rick says outside of the books does not matter, because he already said it in the books. And there's plenty of other stuff in the books that Rick doesn't touch upon, particularly relating to character identity - did you know Leo is Native? Sammy mentions that the Valdez family is Native in Son of Neptune but we don't get any specifics and then it's like never brought up again anywhere. That happens all the time in the series - and outside of the series - Rick can't possibly address every single point to confirm/deny everything from the books. That's what analysis is for! And that's why my blog exists 👍
#pjo#riordanverse#nico di angelo#autistic nico#analysis#ask#Anonymous#long post //#tone indicator just to be sure cause i know i used a lot of italics: this is all non-agressive/not mad i prommy#im just very passionate about this topic (coding & fandom concepts surrounding ''canon'' + death of the author)#also controversial opinion cause i know some people have talked about wanting the use of the r-slur in SoM censored#but i think it should stay because. well. yeah no that was still very commonly used in 2006#trust me i heard it a lot. i was there. in fact it was commonly used after that point. for awhile.#it wasnt until like a bit into the 2010s iirc that campaigns started to go ''hey maybe. dont use that word.''#like that was RECENT#and yeah! these books are not old! TLT is only just coming up on 20 years. thats not super old for a book!#and yeah! that term was considered a-okay terminology to be used in a middle grade book in 2006! which is startling to think now!#but that's also why it's important to not erase that#because otherwise you forget that up until very recently that word was considered Perfectly Acceptable#and in SoM it's even specifically acknowledged to be used in a hurtful way! Percy is actively condemning it!#like. dont put it in the show or whatever. obviously. replace it with a different indication/coding to explain Tyson's struggles#not that i think Disney would put the r-slur in their show. but like. dont erase it from the book??? from 2006??????#i am frightened to see how the show will handle tyson though. its not gonna go well i can feel it in my bones#anyways man i should post that excerpt from A Separate Peace though#just cause that scene has lived in my brain rent-free for years
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Even with TBOB and thisisnotawebsite.com there's... Still so much we don't know about Bill. Like ok yeah he's given a tragic background, we know a bit more about his henchmaniacs, but we really don't know a lot. Like, what happened directly after he accidentally destroyed his dimension? It isn't said. Sure time baby KNOWS about Bill's destruction of his dimension, but it seems like he didn't show up after Bill's dimension was destroyed to apprehend him because he only knows about Bill after Bill tries to make a deal with him, causing Bill's wanted poster. And how did Bill become basically the overlord of the nightmare realm, and gather all his henchmaniacs? Like there's a good period where we just don't know. And it's implied he's shocked and horrified (likely even dissociates, since he does that) after he destroys his dimension. But his characterization doesn't seem by that point to be one that immediately goes into a self-destructive, violent god-becoming maniacal spiral of self hatred; it's more one to be overwhelmed with grief and spend a good long time in the midst of his grief, then necessarily he's about to DO anything. And generally speaking trope wise, there's steps missing; typically in this sort of scenario, the usual progression is this:
characterized as monster due to being different in some way
tries to prove their not
ends up hurting someone anyways
gets further villainized, and antagonized by others
Acceptance of being a monster, and goes okay? You wanted a monster? I'll be a monster.
Now this fits Bill's early life, up to number 4, but we don't know what happens immediately after. It's possible he just went into his spiral immediately after, but it feels wrong, because it is missing the part of someone further villainizing him beyond himself which causes him to lash out due to the expectation (and internalized) idea that he would cause harm. I'd assume maybe some kind of interdimensional authority showed up and accused him of purposely trying to kill his dimension, which triggered his "okay, then I'll be a monster", or even a situation where his 'monstrosity' through the badge of killing his dimension is garners him respect. Considering that his henchmaniacs are chosen out of monstrosity and violence as a badge of honor, it feels very much like this would make sense, except none of them really know about Bill's dimension. He doesn't brag about the violence of it; he only calls it a liberation, contrary to the idea that Bill ever used it to gain clout. Instead, it's more likely that an interdimensional authority showed up and accused Bill, except from circumstances, it doesn't seem like it was Time Baby, so not sure who it would be... but at the same time, that expectation is often required for the character to truly embrace their 'monstrosity' and become truly violent. Or perhaps it was delayed after the destruction of his dimension, later when he begins to run with his henchmaniacs and disregards the law, but that also doesn't feel satisfactory for character development. Or perhaps I'm just overthinking this trope...
Also, how did he have his powers? Some is clearly stuff he's always had; pyrokinesis from that one rhyme, the ability to see into 3d, and he was somehow able to destroy his dimension by whatever he did to let Euclydians see the stars (telekinesis?), but beyond that? Was he always all-seeing? How did he become a 'dream demon'? Are his deals actually binding or does he lie? Are these things that he acquired later, because Euclydians seem to be written about as if they usually don't have any of these abilities, nor the abilities Bill is known to have when young, nor did Bill seem to be able to be all seeing when he was younger. Plus, how was Bill able to survive the destruction of his dimension, if he's technically made of the same stuff as everyone else, who all seems to have a physical form? Why then does he seems to be characterized as a being made of pure energy and thought; is that just in Earth's dimension, or does he have a physical form within the nightmare realm? There's multiple things that are contradictory about his body (mouth-eye, yet talked about removing his exoskeleton to feed--not sure exactly when this was mentioned--plus his mouth located under his bricks and bowtie in his exoskeleton in journal 3). But he seems so thrilled by his physical form though on earth, and we know that physical forms exist within the Nightmare realm as Ford was in it... yet it seems like hes characterized to have no physical form, so did he perhaps lose his physical form when his dimension died? Did he technically die with them too, but with his powers was able to survive essentially as a ghost like he tells Dipper you become without a body?
#hugin rambles#hugin rambles gf#bill cipher#the book of bill#tbob spoilers#thisisnotawebsitedotcom#gravity falls#gravity falls meta#bill ci the triangle guy#theres so many questions and i get part of it is just not explained and likelye never will be and thats also FUN to play with#but its also super curious because there is a v large time where you DONT know a pivotal part of Bill's existence. like he presumably also#dated a howling void? when does that fit in or is it another bit?#but like... the implications about his power and his form and euclydia burning. like fuck#also putting my chips on he was accused directly after and escaped the authorities. and has been chased since and he was like well okay ill#be fucking monster then actively#although it is an interesting thought experiment if it was slowly over time it snowballed into him having a god-complex#also like LOVE getting into how magic works. like okay tell me the technical details. fanfics which go into this i devour with delight#is he an actual demon or it is it just classed as he makes deals? are these deals binding? is it also something that then peovides hik with#power in that sense? oughhh so many good questions.#trying not to feel like Ford excitedly pulling out a clipboard to record all my theories and failing whoops#also like im aware parts of this will be not accurate and perfectly smooth for Bill's powers and char development because its always been#predicated on whats funnier rather then it being a self-formed idea fully fleshed at the beginning of the series
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just found out that jungkook interacts with people who aren’t me
#cold cruel world out there tsk tsk#also lil life update friends !#working full time n going to school full time n also doing extracurricular activities is really not the move#i struggle w toxic productivity and it’s really really destroyed my mental and physical health#so ive busted my behind to save up enough money#to be able to support myself on a part time work schedule until i graduate woohoo !#hoping to have more time to indulge in hobbies#which includes being on here and writing and interacting#i miss you all dearly#ty for everything#like the fact that yall still send sweet things in my inbox when ive been p inactive for like this whole year is super nice and sweet and ye#im sorry i haven’t been responding#but i read them and they do make my day and i love you#and i hope to pick things up again soon#glimpse of us is going to be a banger i fear#ive sat on it for so long that ive perfected this storyline#from metaphors to small details to foreshadowing to non linear storytelling that all forms together in the ends yep#just need to write it which is the hard part 👉👈#but im excited#this the type of story to leave you in a funk for a few days lol and im so excited to share#hope you’re all doing well#and you are also prioritizing your health and well-being#you deserve time for yourself#not even deserve tbh#it’s legit a necessity like pls#you deserve it
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HEY GUYS umm ive continued my iii watch. IM ONLY UP TO EP 10 but im enjoying it sooo much. love the outcome of Test Tubes innability to cope with empty nest syndrome i think bowbot is soo fascinating. also realized body swapping can actuall be a super fun trope
(forgot to mention the lyrics are from Race by Alex G!!)
putting some (possibly rly bright so. warning for bright colors) alt versions with fun overlays under the cut
#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii#iii#bow iii#bowbot ii#ii bowbot#SOOO excited to continue/catch up#I STILL RLY LIKE TEST TUBE IDK ik it was kinda messed up but like.. mad scientist activities#and cabbys kinda growing on me idk. BLUEBERRY TOO#he used to annoy me but like. idk him in ep 10!!!!#and i rly like bowbot and paintys new voices. painty voiced by a nonbinary person soo real and true#idk !!!! i really like this series im super glad i decided to go back and rewatch it/catch up
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A weird thing about reading ATB is definitely how relatable Tobio's "power" is as an epileptic person. Like just this description is like yeah that's exactly what its like when a seizure is coming on (and since auditory hallucinations are part of my seizures I can interpolate that from Tobio "communicating" with others)
What I kind of like about it is that sometimes Tobio will experience one of these "communications" and within seconds go back to what he was doing, basically unbothered. Which is sometimes just what seizures look like (and sometimes they don't even 'look' like anything and go completely unnoticed!) I'm sure they aren't deliberately going for epilepsy when writing this narrative but even so seeing a character experience relatively muted and unobtrusive "seizures" is kind of nice for a change
#atom the beginning#tobio tenma#I know that this is leading up to the looming horrible dread of what will happen to tobio later and is probably going to become worse#so like its probably going to become more dramatized in further chapters#but its still nice to see Tobio just go back to normal during one of these episodes while everyone around him is panicking#and hes just like im fine! :) bc thats how it usually is for me#a lot of it is people around me freaking out or getting super worried and meanwhile I am fine lol#but yeah definitely not a 1 to 1 because tobio is probably actively doing horrible damage to himself stop that child
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fuck byu all my homies hate byu
#i tried explaining to my bishop that hey! my feelings and needs aren’t like most ppls! i literally have a diagnosis about it!#but unless i promised to regularly attend meetings (awful. i won’t.) and pay tithing (i don’t trust that. i won’t.)#then i no longer have an ecclesiastical endorsement#i can’t go to school there anymore#i’ve done two years#i keep the honor code standards#if i was a non-member i’d be able to answer those interview questions and get an endorsement just fine#but since i WAS a member (my parents choice raising me that way never my decision) and am no longer active#i have 10 days to find a new job and have to scramble to transfer schools#don’t come for me i KNOW it’s a private school and they’re allowed to require whatever they want#IM AWARE. IVE BEEN TOLD.#i just think they things they require and the rigidity of their rules is a super dick move#and frankly? not very christlike of the so called lords campus /derogatory#byu#exmo
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lately ive been trying to get into the mindset that its okay to not watch/play/read every new sonic thing the second it comes out and that i also dont have to speed through stuff as quickly as possible. but im still kinda mad that sonic x shadow generations is coming out at a very inconvenient time for me and i might have to wait a few days to play it
#the difference here is the stuff that made me want to change my mindset#is stuff that i wasnt particularly interested in but made myself play/watch anyway#while sonic x shadow generations is something im actively looking forward to and cant wait to play#unlike. sonic superstars for example. sorry people who really liked that game but i just wasnt super into it. and it costs too much#or maybe its not that i wasnt interested its that i wasnt having as much fun as i could have been because i was rushing it#but also a big part of the reason i feel the need to rush things is because i dont wanna get spoiled on the story .........#which is kinda hard to avoid if you Dont rush it sadly#anywya as for sxs gens . i probably could play it on release day if i like. pre ordered it at a gamestop near where im going#but . do i really wanna go through all that trouble when i could just have a friend pick it up for me at home or something
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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someone walked into me having what i thought was a private but very loud breakdown at work about the family cruise my parents are requiring me to go on for my dads retirement next may bc i have never ever wanted to go on a cruise in my life and the cheapest solo room for the one they picked is fucking $1600 for a 100sq ft closet and that's not even including airfare to get to miami OR wifi YOU HAVE TO BUY A WIFI PACKAGE to have reliable internet access what if i just fucking kill myself instead <3
#like this is such a fucking stupid problem to have but my mom won't even let me complain about it bc like#my parents have done so much for me for SO much longer than they needed to and they ask very little of me#and i have like 18 months to save the money to do this but like#thinking about what i could be spending that money on instead things i actually WANT to do???#i have no fucking desire to go ANYWHERE this boat is stopping like at all !!!#thousands of dollars for something i ACTIVELY DONT WANT TO DO#and my mom keeps pestering me to try to find someone to rope into going with me#so i can have a friend bc ill be honest im not super close with my family !!#but i also don't have any friends im close enough with to ask them if they wanna like#spend sooooooo much money to accompany me on a cruise with MY family as essentially an emotional support animal
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😠
#i wish i could at least afford to get noise cancelling headphones#those wont completely help me or solve my issues#i live in a place that is way too active for me who get so easily overstimulated by noise#like.. im like actually falling apart and im incapable of functioning like a normal person under these conditions lmao#i was abt to go into another rant abt it but theres no use i need to accept the situation#all i can do is to work towards a place where i have a job and money so i can move cities and apartments when i need to#this noise is killing me...#ear plugs dont work completely + it's not good for your ears to have smth inside of them all the time#trust me..... horrible things can happen to your ears 🥴#but noise cancelling headphones is better than being broken down by noise#then i could listen to ambience while studying/reading and music while on walks#i prefer natural silence :((( like soft noises in the environment#plus that isnt unhealthy for your ears... but it isnt possible bc im constantly on such high alert#and overstimulation bc CONSTANT FKN NOISE!!!!!!!!#then the alternative of listening to smth on noise cancelling headphones is better#but i cant afford it at all :(#the cheapest ones i can find are a little bit over 1/3 of my monthly food budget 🥴#and i ofc want them to be good enough that they work...#i dont wanna buy smth cheap that the quality is super bad or they break immediately#UGHHHHHHH i hte everything im considering just going deaf#but i wanna listen to music :(( and listen to threats. i dont wanna be deaf no#i just want some fkn peace and quiet
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arc 8 otto gets more and more deranged with every appearance i love it 😭😭😭😭 this chapter was a mainly otto centric one which was fascinating!!! URGH i have many thoughts :((( the whole chapter being about “walking with light”….. where otto acknowledges that:
and this is AFTER julius apologizes to otto and otto emphasizes to julius’s face that. yeah. julius is still an enemy. like yeah theyre exchanging more pleasant words now but otto specifically emphasizes that otto isnt a knight. julius isnt a merchant. julius is in another camp. theyre opposites T^T AND THEN roswaal telling otto that opposing emilia and subarus way of thinking is a poison that Will kill him. BUT THEN OTTO says
he cant walk with light meaning he cant see reality and still choose to be idealistic and noble like julius and emilia and subaru even though hes still trying to support emilia and subaru. :,,,))) and he admits that!!! hes still choosing to walk a darker path than them even knowing hes not as strong as others!!! even knowing that emilia and subaru will never agree with him and vice versa!!! hes walking alone, in a way T^T
#rezero#arc 8 spoilers#otto suwen#HES SO INSANE FOR ALL OF THIS BUT I TOO AM GOING INSANE OVER THE IDEA OF ‘WALKING WITH LIGHT’… the whole chapter was about it 😭😭#like i think its kind of like a ‘if no one will step up i have to’ thing for otto. bc yeah ppl like ram and ros share his opinions on the#vollachia situation but ottos been like. Very active and loud about it. almost like a villain to subaru and emilia akdndnd#which is even more compounded by the fact that he punched subaru hard enough to break his hand???? KASNNS#ottos been trying to do shit on his own ever since he brought the damn book of wisdom to priestella and shit akdndn#hes insane 😭😭 im worried it really will kill him 👍👍#hes choosing to play the villain to subaru and emilias heroism……#its just. its kind of sad. he asks himself what the meaning of his existence is if he cant have the#grant the power to have everything he wants.#he wants to protect the people that matter most to him but they want to protect Everyone. and otto thinks its not possible but he still want#s to support them. cries.#ottos pulling an arc 4 subaru here and i am Concerned and Intrigued ☝️☝️#EDIT: otto did not punch subaru but he punched a wall super hard 😭😭 OTTO. UR INSANE.
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