#(me trying not to mention how i wish they had russ do one of his or argent's songs in this but they didn't)

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I can’t remember if Henrik home was ever seen. But how do you imagine it - traditional? Minimalist? Flat? House? Do you think he cooks Swedish food at home or has books in Swedish or due to trauma do you think he tried to completely assimilate even in his own home as an adult? Sorry if I sound victim Blamey trying to discuss this. I’m not good at Henrik meta so I’m just interested.

It's alright! I'm not easily put off when it comes to Henrik, unless people, like, infantilise him or pull the "Henrik never showed interest in men before Russ" type of stuff. (And I apologise for leaving this in my inbox for hours, I got distracted and caught up with some other stuff.)

We've seen Henrik's home thrice, I believe. S20E11 "The L Word" has Roxanna visit him, S20E13 "No Matter Where You Go, There You Are - Part Two" shows him at home at the very start (although it’s only a brief scene), and S21E30 "Don't Leave Me" shows him at home quite a bit. He definitely seemed to be living in a house in all 3 episodes, though it's not one we saw much of - the S20 eps only show the living room IIRC, and "Don't Leave Me" only shows the spare bedroom. (He also canonically has a flat in Stockholm, for whatever it's worth - we see it in S15E13 "Hanssen/Hemingway". It seems he lived there when he was a med student, going by Maja's mural there which is dated to 1983.)

I've always figured he probably keeps things fairly minimalistic. His house was a bit of a cluttered mess when Roxanna visited him, but he was having his post-Fredrik breakdown at the time, so I've always put it down to that. When he's in a better mental state, he's probably a lot more organised. Having said that, he is also definitely the sort of person who owns a LOT of books and has a ton of bookshelves around the house to hold them all. So his house is probably still a bit too cluttered to be totally minimalist, lol.

(I also headcanon that Henrik is a Doctor Who fan, and his favourite Doctor is, of course, the Eighth - the incarnation played by Paul McGann, for those who don't know their Doctor Whos. I mean, canonically, Henrik could be a Whovian! If nothing else, he's friends with Jason, who is a DW fan - he references the Fourth Doctor when offering Essie a jellybaby in S19E64 "Always Forever". So even if Henrik wasn't familiar with the show already, Jason could've got him into it.

Anyway, where I'm going with this that's relevant to Henrik's home decorating is that I love the idea of Henrik collecting Eighth Doctor action figures. Just because the mental image of Henrik bringing all his stuff over after moving in with Russ and Russ growing increasingly disturbed as he helps Henrik unpack all these mini John Gaskells is hilarious to me.)

We also know Henrik has a penchant for gardening, and in S13E44 "One of Those Days", he mentions that he grows roses. So I've always imagined he's got quite a lot of plants growing outside, but granted, the fact that we never saw his home during his first stint means that we don't actually know if where he was living then would be the same house he was living in after he came back to Holby (especially given he was planning on moving to Sweden permanently when he originally left).

Do you think he cooks Swedish food at home or has books in Swedish or due to trauma do you think he tried to completely assimilate even in his own home as an adult?

Oh, I am so glad you asked because I think I could talk about Henrik's identity as an immigrant all day. It's genuinely one of my favourite parts of his character, the way he doesn't quite fit in anywhere and nowhere quite feels like home to him - he's too Swedish for England, and too English for Sweden. I wish the show had explored it more.

I think he leans more towards the "tried to completely assimilate even in his own home as an adult" option, but not totally so. He's very detached from that part of his identity, but I think he does still get homesick and nostalgic for Sweden sometimes.

So he probably cooks Swedish food occasionally, and I absolutely believe he has some Swedish books around (I've actually mentioned it briefly in some of my unpublished fic) - mostly ones he bought when he was a young adult still living in Sweden and has kept hold of since, or copies of books he remembered enjoying when he was little. (We know he liked some Astrid Lindgren books in his childhood, and I have a strong headcanon he grew up reading the Moomin books - the woman who wrote them, Tove Jansson, based several aspects/characters in the stories off her own relationships with her girlfriends so... yeah, I just love the idea of young Henrik reading them so that he at least had one thing to turn to where there was some acceptance of queerness.)

He probably has books in a variety of languages, thinking about it, as he seems like an avid reader and we know he's quite a polyglot (alongside English and Swedish, he also canonically speaks French and German, and I think maybe more but those ones I know for sure off the top of my head).

[appalachianapologies]

Okay the good news is that i got a 90% on my microbio exam the bad news is that i literally do not understand my linguistics homework. the other good news is holy crap i love you guys and your support is actually unreal!!!!! i am in awe and feel so honored ♥️♥️

So Mac, who has begun to slowly get his memories back (he still doesn’t know why, and it still is like. Hmm. weird.) is like “that can’t be right” because the Gwen that he remembers—the Gwen that is in the original timeline—turned over a new leaf right before she died. She realized in the dam that it was the wrong thing to do and made sure mac stayed alive in order for him to fix her mistake, so Mac is like “she wouldn’t escape” except for the glaring and obvious fact that yes, she did in fact just escape, mac.

So mac and jack go take a trip down to the blacksite and try and figure out what exactly happened, but while they’re there, they also come across murdoc (bc for some reason there’s only like one blacksite in this fic apparently lmao don’t judge me it’s for the plot) and murdoc does his creepy little murdoc things where he goes “oh macgyverrrrrr i had this wonderful dream the other night-” and at first mac just brushes it off because creepers gonna creep, but then he’s like “oh shit what if it’s not just the team that are getting these weird dream memories” so he decides it’ll be the lesser of two evils if he talks to murdoc.

Murdoc tells him about his “dream” which is 5x10, and mac is over here trying to act So Normal About This and is just like “wow haha so weird you’re weird and creepy anyway gotta go-” but mac’s poker face is awful let’s be honest, so murdoc gets suspicious. That being said Murdoc could not dream (pun intended) of the whole timeline shift thing, so he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on, just that mac is acting weird as heck™ 

So anyway Jack and Mac talk with the guards and watch the security footage and there’s no denying it- Gwen snuck out of the blacksite and it most definitely isn’t for good reasons, but it’s not like they can do anything about it now but find her. Mac is still determined to prove that she’s a good person and that she’s changed, that she no longer agrees with Codex’s agendas and all of that, but everyone is like “bro look at literally all of this evidence. Sorry but she’s Not Good.”

Jack pulls him aside and is like “i know she’s your family but kid, she is not a good person.”

And mac is like “it’s not just that she’s my family, it’s that Gwen realized that what she was doing was wrong and tried to make amends.” to which jack is like “???? when??? I think I’d remember something like that” so mac has to exasperatedly explain to him that she changed back in mac’s original timeline.

Jack’s all “okay but this isn’t the original timeline” and then they get into an argument (they’re not mad at each other or anything, it’s honestly more like a debate) about how similar everyone is to mac’s original timeline. Mac mentions how literally everyone on the team is still normal and the same but then he starts to question it himself. Desi still has her same morals and everything, but it’s not like she’s the exact same. Neither is Russ, and somewhere out there Parker exists, but she never came to the Phoenix in this world.

The more Mac thinks about it the more he’s like “ohhhhh no. ohhhh fuck.” and then begins to question everything because hey why not give the man a lil existential crisis. Mac begins to wonder if he’s the one who has catastrophically screwed up the world beyond recognition or if it’s something else entirely- his only comfort is the knowledge that Mac didn’t have a choice in this, it’s not like he wanted to go back in time (though if given the choice he probably would’ve).

Anyway so Gwen has escaped and people are having weird memory dreams, and Mac just wishes they that could all go back to a couple of months ago when Mac had forgotten about the original timeline and everything was good and normal and dandy and everyone was alive and NOT having dream memory things. Buuuuut the fact of the matter is that they can’t go back in time, so Mac just has to figure out how to fix this and maybe figure out why people are having memory things happening while they sleep.

Mac, unfortunately, does not work well with theoretical science in any sense of the word. He much prefers the tangible parts of science (especially when they blow up). To Mac decides to get the entire team to help out. Riley starts trying to figure out if anything in the world was Not Quite Right when Mac got shot in the leg out in the forest and thus when he was randomly transported through space and time. Bozer and Leanna start to try and figure out how many people are having these dream/memory things while also staying on the downlow. Jack is just making sure that Mac is taking care of himself because he keeps having the headaches and jack doesn’t like it when his boy is hurting :( 

Mac also grapples with the fact that he’s going to have to tell Russ, Matty, and his dad (because oops James is still alive—i know this is my idea but like why couldn’t james stay dead. Mac is too good of a son for that to happen ik ik but STILL-), but at the same time he’s like “if i tell them they’re going to bench me and make me go through a psych eval” and nobody wants that to happen. On the other hand, James might be able to try and help figure out what exactly happened and how Mac got here.

Because the missions have slowed down for Mac and Jack, he has a lot of time to think about all of these things, and at some point he realizes that maybe he shouldn’t just be focusing on himself but also the other Mac. Because like. If he got magically transported to this timeline/universe, surely the mac that used to be here got put over there? And at first he agreed and thought that it was because the old mac here died when he was shot in the leg, so that makes sense that when he died in the hyperbaric chamber there would be some weird cosmic body swap or whatever. But. the more that mac thinks about it the less it makes sense.

If he died in the hyperbaric chamber he should’ve just done exactly that?? Died??? It doesn’t make sense that when he got transported to this timeline that he would be, if not well, then at least alive. So then Mac starts thinking about what if he didn’t actually die. What if his heart stopped and what if the old mac in this timeline also nearly died, but not quite?

There’s no way to prove this but Mac’s pretty sure this is what’s happening, but he also keeps it to himself. No reason to tell anyone if he can’t fully figure it out, simple as that. 

Also just as far as housekeeping goes, at this point mac basically has all of his memories of his past life back and honestly? He kind of wishes that he doesn’t. He’s all for the knowledge side of knowledge v ignorance, but not right now. He just wants to live in this better timeline and not have to think about the fact that he doesn’t technically belong here. And maybe that’s what it all comes down to- maybe he just doesn’t belong here.

It gets mac thinking about the other version of himself who might be in his original timeline—they’re both in the wrong place and mac feels guilty for taking the “better” life from… himself… it’s a weird thing to think about but one must not underestimate the guilt that mac can put on himself (in more ways than one?? Also literally??????)

So as much as Mac doesn’t want to, he starts thinking about how he can go back to his original timeline. It’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t belong here, and now all of the people around him are being affected by his presence. And sure right now it’s just dream memory things, but what if it gets worse? What if other problems start to crop up because he’s been parading around in a universe that he doesn’t belong to?

He doesn’t dare tell Jack or anyone, but Mac thinks about how he needs to find a way out of this world for the sake of himself and everyone around him. And that brings us to everyone’s favorite emotional whump: Mac purposely distancing himself from his team (cough cough FAMILY cough cough) because he thinks that this will somehow make it easier when he eventually figures out a way to leave.

Everyone is instantly on high alert because that is!!! That is concerning sir you should get that checked out, but mac over here thinks that he’s being sly and sneaky (he is not). Mac stops holding the post mission get togethers, and because he now lives alone mac mostly just stays inside the house and slaves away in an attempt to figure out what the hell he’s even doing in this universe in the first place. At some point Mac convinces himself that he doesn’t even deserve to be here, doesn’t deserve to take advantage of the fact that jack and leanna and charlie (and james and gwen ig) are alive, even though he’s the one in the first place who saved them.

The guilt begins piling on and on and mac is purposely not seeking out help because he does genuinely think that he’s the problem here even though he isn’t!!!! 

At some point Jack finally puts his foot down and is like “okay. This has. Got to stop. Son i love you why are you so sad now :(“ but Mac just puts up his shields and lies but at the same time he’s also like “i should spend as much time with Alive Jack as i can because back home jack is dead” so he’s in this weird position of wanting and not wanting to be near jack during all hours of the day.

ANYWAY plot time surprise there’s actually plot in this part 3: The phoenix eventually figures out where the hell Gwen went after she escaped and much to Mac’s dismay, it does in fact look like she’s up to no good again, and that she hasn’t turned over a new leaf like Mac kept saying she had. This does not bode well for mac’s mental health but like cmon what actually does in my fics.

Anyway the thing that Gwen is doing is meddling with the people who made the nanobots (aka she made an agreement with the US government that she’d help them do Nefarious Things™ in exchange for her freedom, so yes she didn’t escape by herself but in fact it was aided with the government) BUT none of the Phoenix know that because in this universe they never figured out that it was the US government that was controlling the nanobots and so the Phoenix never separated and so they’re still getting fed lies that the nanobots were some terror plan.

(Basically at the point of the nanobots in this timeline, mac had all but forgotten what happened in his original timeline, so he couldn’t give hints to the team. By the time he re-remembered what the deal was with the government and the bots, it was kind of the least of his problems)

So Mac nor the phoenix know what Gwen is up to, but they did just randomly spot her on a security camera/social media post/whatever because Riley has facial rec programs running trying to find her. Despite the fact that Jack and Mac haven’t been going on many missions, Matty knows that this one is going to be important to them (bc of Gwen’s relationship to mac, again, they have no idea that the nanobots are being controlled by the government or by gwen’s new aid), so she sends them along with the rest of their big happy team: Riley, Bozer, Desi, Leanna

They all go out on an adventure to find Gwen and the whole time Mac is just so rattled because he wants to remember Gwen by what she did in his universe, by her finals moments sacrificing herself knowing that Codex was wrong and that Hey Maybe Terrorism Is Bad, but he just can’t. This is a new timeline, new universe, new Gwen.

Mac is eventually the one to corner her and is like “you don’t have to do this, this isn’t who you are,” blah blah blah, but Gwen is having absolutely none of it and is instead like “uno reverse, this isn’t who you are, you can still be on the right side of things” and mac is like “???? bestie you are on the wrong side.”

Gwen gives some self righteous speech about what the history books will remember or some shit like that (idk man every tv villain does the same thing just think of one of the pre-existing villain speeches) and then is like “it doesn’t really matter what you want or don’t want to do, we can always just control you lol” and then nanobot time teehee.

Anyway Mac and Jack wake up later, no memory of what they’ve done bc nanobots, all they know is that it couldn’t have been good. While they’re trying to get to a phone and contact the Phoenix and also try and figure out what happened while they were under control, Jack is like “we need to get these things out. I’m not letting them [the us government] control us for any longer” and mac is geared up to argue bc the whole hyperbaric chamber death thing… but then internally he’s like “wait what if this is the way that can bring me back to my universe! Perfect!” so outwardly he’s like “oof yeah i suppose so :(“

When they finally get back to the phoenix (im stil in the process of thinking about what gwen made them do via the nanobots, please stand by lol), mac casually slips in the old hyperbaric chamber idea and everyone is kind of all “...last time we suggested that you kind of panicked. And by kind of i mean a lot” so mac just shrugs and convinces them that he has since done research and believes this is the best way.

And the thing is is that mac told everyone (even desi who he told first) that he came here bc he “died” or whatever in his universe, he didn’t exactly say how… just that he did. Nobody knows that it’s because of the chamber (and if i wrote in that they did shhhhhh just pretend that i didn’t lmao. Pretend that no one knows except mac right now). 

So they set up the chambers and jack is like “see you on the other side :)” and mac is like “hahahahahHAHAHAH YEP” and is super normal about it (he is not and everyone can see through it but also they don’t really know what exactly is going on.)

So. chamber, suffocation, bad things. The nanobots leave jack’s body but not mac’s and mac is like “ah perfect just like what happened in my universe but with riley” so he has great hopes that this will work. Things go dark just like they did in the original timeline, and he’s planning on closing his eyes and when he opens them he’ll be back home…

…with most of his friends dead. But it’s fine. It’s good it’s fine it’s dandy and it’s totally worth it.

(and it doesn’t end here but i need brainstorming time to think about whether or not i actually want this to work or not work. Hmm. hmmmmmm hmm hmmm. I literally do not know yet lol. But in the mean time i just want to say you all are amazing and wonderful and i cannot believe how many people found this silly little idea of mine interesting it honestly!!!! It blows my mind and warms my heart and i just wanted to say Thank You so so much. I love you all sm <3)

Who wants to read an essay about the strangest MacGyver fic idea I've had yet

[darlingor]

The Drunken Mind

Tw: graphic depictions of violence, mentions of blood and implied rape

Adler x Harlow(my oc)

More below the cut!

Harlow and Adler had been working hard lately. Late nights spent at the office, sleepless nights. They both decided that it was time to have a little fun. It had been far too long since they had been to their favorite bar.

A small, “hole in the wall” joint downtown. Or so it used to be. As they walked up to the place, they opened the door to see it jam packed. Adler scowled, but felt a little relief to see the relaxed energy still lingered.

The music was playing low, and the room was filled with conversation. They found two empty seats at the bar and ordered their drinks. A whiskey for Adler and a vodka cranberry for Harlow.

“It’s nice to finally get out with you. It’s been so long since we’ve been able to just relax. I’ve missed you.” He peered over his shades to look into her gray eyes.

He adored the blush that spread over her checks and the small smile that grew on her face.

“I’ve missed you too, Russ. More than you’ll ever know.” She reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

A loud bang came from the tables situated in the middle of the room. The pair turned to see a very intoxicated man sitting on the floor, with his chair laid flat beside him.

He managed to pull himself up off the floor and looked at everybody.

“Sorry uh guys. I- I just fell over a uh a little.” He swatted his hand in the air. “Get back to yer’ drinkin’.”

Adler turned back to the bar with a scoff.

“What an asshole.” He lifted his glass and took a sip of his whiskey. Harlow also turned around.

“You’ve got that right. I just can’t stand a man who can’t handle his liquor.” Adler smiled over at her.

“So Russ. Any idea when you’re gonna be sent out again? Have you gotten any closer to finding the guy?” Adler and his team were still searching for Perseus, and so far, there were no leads. Harlow could tell that he was beginning to get frustrated with the matter. The man held his emotions deep, and she wished that he would just talk to her. But oh, how she hates forcing him into those kinds of conversations.

“Not a single idea. We got a message though, one of our decrypters is trying to decode it. Maybe we’ll have something soon. I feel like we’re close.” He talked so passionately about the subject. Harlow liked listening to him talk about it.

“We’ll that’s good. Maybe you’ll be able to rest soon.” Her eyes softened as they looked up into his shades.

“I sure hope so honey. I’m over due for a vacation.”

The two continued to have various conversations, ranging from work to the latest music and so on. They were occasionally interrupted by the same drunk man. Harlow stated that he just doesn’t know how to quit. Adler quickly agreed.

“I’m gonna go use the restroom. Be right back.” He stood and kissed the top of her head as he headed off. He knew Harlow loved those little lovestruck expressions. Made her feel warm inside.

She took another sip of her drink as the drunk man piped up again.

“Come on guys! You’re all a bunch of *hic* debbie downers. Li- lighten up a bit.”

She noticed that his words were more slurred than before, and he stumbled over them more.

She was looking at him, disgust evident on her normally soft features, when he turned and locked eyes with her. He smirked and sent her a wink. She turned around with a roll of the eyes.

Suddenly, the man was beside her leaning against the bar.

“Hey pretty l-lady. What’s a girl doing in a place like this?” He coughed out.

Her expression remained stoic and her eyes stayed glued to the bar.

“Just trying to enjoy a drink.”

The man’s brows furrowed at her tone, but his drunk mind brushed it off.

“Well it’s never good being uh alone. How about you hang out with me?” He jumbled up his words and was almost inaudible, but Harlow picked up on his words.

“No thanks. Just want to enjoy this in peace.”

The man didn’t like that.

“Oh c-come on!” He placed a hand on her forearm. When she tried to yank her arm away, his grip tightened.

About that time, Adler walked out of the bathroom, and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw that repulsive man with his hands on Harlow. An unearthly rage began to bubble inside him.

“Bitch, you’re gonna come with me. Whether you like it or not.” His words were urgent and aggressive. He gripped Harlows arm so tight she thought it would be bruised in the morning. He began to try to pull her off of her seat and out the door.

“You have no clue what i’m gonna do to you whore!”

Adler walked up and grabbed the man’s arm with a fierce grip.

“Hey what the hell?” The man turned around to see Adler’s large form standing over him.

A primal rage seemed to seep from the imposing man. He threw the his hand off of Harlow and pushed her behind him.

Tears had filled her eyes and she began to sob. The sound of her crying tore Adler to shreds, and only fueled his anger. Foolishly, the man threw a punch at Adler. He had been distracted. A cowardly act.

Adler turned suddenly and grabbed the man’s first mid air. The vein in his neck was popping out and his left eye was twitching. His jaw was clenched and he was blinded by anger. All he saw was red.

“Let me fucking go you damn clown!”

Adler began to bend the man’s fist. He pushed back so hard that a sickening crunch emanated throughout the bar, and the man began to scream. No. Shriek. An inhuman sound Harlow had never had the pleasure, or misfortune, of hearing. He continued to push further until the man was brought to his knees. Adler raised his other fist and laid a devastating blow to the man’s face.

The whole bar was up and staring. They gasped at the sight, yet nobody even thought about stepping in.

“Oh my God, he’s gonna kill him!” A lady shrieked, but Adler tuned her out.

He let his grip lessen as the man fell back on the floor. Harlow noted that his nose was now at a crooked angle, and blood seeped onto his face. Truthfully, she wanted to laugh.

The man groaned and held his now limp wrist. Adler walked over and knelt down next to the man. He ripped his sunglasses from his face and leaned over the bloodied man.

“Look in my eyes motherfucker. You ever touch my wife, or any woman, like that ever again, I’ll personally hunt you down and hang you on my fucking wall. Have I made myself clear?”

“Who are you?” He asked in a terrified tone, completely disregarding the threat. Adler smirked down at him.

“CIA doesn’t accept just anybody.” His reddened eyes widened in horror. “Now, I don’t think you answered my question.” He wrapped his strong hands around the man’s collar, and the drunks hands instinctively shot up.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’ll never do it again. Just please leave me alone!” He sobbed out. Adler let his grip falter, and he stood back up, leaving him a bloody pile on the floor. He turned around and looked at Harlow, his aggressive gaze immediately faltered.

“Harlow, are you okay? Did he hurt you?” He walked forward and wrapped the small woman in a tight hug. She sobbed into his chest.

“I’m okay. Just take me home Russ.” He threw a twenty on the bar, wrapped his arm around her small shoulders, and walked her out of the bar. Managing to spit on the man as he walked by.

—————————————

I expressed my want for this kind of fic, but I had to take matters into my own hands. Think I did pretty good, and I really enjoyed writing Adler so in love with someone that isn’t Bell. Also loved writing violent Adler, that was fun. Hope y’all like this concept and story!

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

May I rant here for a sec? My parents are just- really frustrating me lately., and they're being shitty about my gender, and- ugh...

For the record, I don't live with my parents. I am very comfortable and confident in the labels I have chosen to identify with, and ain't nobody's opinions gonna be able to change shit. Also, the entirety of my family are Christians. I'm a Christian, and I get that gender stuff can be a bit of complicated situation, but still...

I came out, gender wise, almost a year ago. I came out as a demi girl (which has since changed to bigender, but I haven't told them cuz they don't give a flying fuck anyways) and that I was using she/her and he/him, as well as using two names (my birth name and a new one), all used interchangeably. They responded with the expected "we still love you no matter what" bullshit and I just, gggrrrrrrrr!

(My sister wins for best response to that coming out, tho. She replied, and I quote, "lol well duh" XD)

Additional note: I have done no actual, physical or hormonal transitioning, and idk if I ever will. I'm trying to present more masc because I want to be perceived as more gn or masc. I'm not great at it, but that's my current 'transitioning' status.

Now, I am pretty aggressive when it comes to people, my family included, misgendering other people. My friends, my partner, etc. Don't misgender people or I am going to correct you. And if you keep doing it wrong without effort to improve, I WILL make you uncomfortable for fucking up! ... However, I don't know how to do that with myself...

It's really hard with my parents, still using she/her, because they're not technically wrong, but... I wish I had the guts to tell them, "you calling me she/her because those are still my pronouns is different than you using she/her because you refuse to use he/him". And they're never explicitly transphobic (like, they've never said anything like "I don't like trans people" or anything) but they also obviously don't accept it, or like it, or like if I bring trans/queer anything up.

Like, on Sunday I was at my parents' for father's day, scrolling through Pinterest, and a post came up. Talkin about how 'according to Mulan, you need blah blah blah to be a man (ya know the song). You do not need a penis of any sort' and I thought it was kinda fun, so I read it out loud and my dad's instant response was, "ha, yes you do <need a penis>" ... (My partner was there, and apparently I noticeably deflated at that comment and didn't get better until we went home...)

And today, I was talking to my mom about our little vacation we're going on in July to see her side of the family, and I mentioned, "Heh, I don't think I've come out to Uncle Russ. Uncle Ryan guessed it, and I came out to grandma, but not Uncle Russ" and I said it really lightheartedly cuz I found it kinda like a 'haha, oops!' and she just- in the most dismissive tone, replied, "yeah, I wouldn't worry about it", as if it doesn't even matter! Like, fuck, it just hurts! It fucking hurts me!

Back in March, I was feeling super stressed about my birthday (autism brain(I think) finds birthdays super super stressful. I can't handle the surprise of gifts, and people expecting certain reactions, and- ugh! No. Do not like. I have had at least one mental breakdown around my birthday every year for- idek how many years now. A lot.) and it was a lot of because I was worried about having to spend time with my parents, and them calling me she/her in a way that just still feels like misgendering somehow. And I was so desperate for some validation that I wrote myself a paragraph using both my names and all my pronouns with some encouraging words as if it were a social media post for my birthday written by Oikawa (I don't even simp for oikawa, btw, but pls, I want to be his friend, we would be such great buddies and we would cause so much chaos!) I know that writing stuff about ourselves/others interacting with fictional characters to make ourselves/others feel better is normal around here, but I think for 'normal people' it's weird, and I wish I could be able to tell my parents that I had to do that, and that in general they would understand how much their dismissive attitude hurts me. And it just gets worse and worse the more they do it.

.

I'm really sorry for such a long post. I'm just- I'm not constantly frustrated by this, but I get more and more annoyed and upset each time it happens. And as much as I hope I'm wrong some day, I've basically accepted that they're never going to do it right. To them, I'm never going to be "I was talking to him, and ___". I'm never going to be "my oldest son___" (or 'child'! Even just gn is better than nothing!) I'm just- not actually me...

- Dragon anon

First off, Dragon anon please always feel free to rant to me/us! It feels so awesome that people trust me/this blog to share their daily issues with. That's a huge sign of trust and I love it! It makes my mom heart happy!

I'm sorry your family is struggling with this acceptance. It's hard enough dealing with accepting our own identity and then to have our family not accept that is tough.

I'm so proud of you for all that you've processed and been thought in your identity journey. You are right, it can be very complicated for not only you but for your family. And i feel like if they communicated that difficulty, it would be different. But for them to not even try, I feel lile that's not respectful of you.

I'm going to share a little of my youngest kiddos journey with you. So she (current preferred pronoun) was afab. She was diagnosed with Autism at 2 and has been genderfluid/non-binary/bi-gender since. It's actually very common for people onto he spectrum to identify as genderfluid (as told to me by her psychologist). At one point, she wanted to be referred to as a he. So we did that. I told everyone her preferred pronou was "he/him" and to act accordingly. Now she's decided she was "she/her" and to dress more masculine. I've accepted this and accommodated as much as I possibly can. My oldest (he/him) often had troubles with pronouns and sees everyone has "him" which we are working on.

The point here is that your family should respect your preferences. It's not their life that's being affected it's yours. And respect goes deeper than just being cordial or nice. It's respecting people's preferences. I'm so glad you are helpful with it comes to other people's pronouns because being misgendered and/or the wrong pronoun can be harmful not to mention disrespectful. I think you should take the same approach with yourself. Value yourself like you value the others around you because you deserve that respect. If your mom identifies as "she/her" and you just started calling her "he/him" she'd probably get offended and that same principle should apply to you.

I know pronouns/gender/sexuality can be confusing but I'm the type of person to ask questions or Google when I don't understand something. You cannot fault someone for asking a question about something they don't understand and knowing you as I do, I think you'd appreciate them taking the effort to do so.

I hope this helps in some way. Again I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Accepting yourself is hard enough without dealing with outside influences.

Just know you are always accepted here as you are and we love and care about you very much 🥰

[cozyforjate]

MacGyver 5x02 Review

We had another great MacGyver episode. That's two for two!🥳👏

This season so far has brought us back the good ole "MacGyver" feel that was partly lost in season 4. And i have a good feeling that it's only gonna get better.

As a MacGyver fan since day 1, i couldn't be happier. The characters are more open with each other. They are getting more depth. Mac is doing more hacks. I’m enjoying the lighter tone of the episodes. We are not getting any unnecessary drama between Mac&Desi. Which is a breath of fresh air! Totally helping the quality of the episodes. We have 40 mins, so we better use it the best way possible, right?

Back to the episode.

I've always been big a fan of heist plots and this episode did not disappoint. Loved the blonde thief lady AKA Jess Miller. Loved the chemistry between Desi and her. The training scenes were awesome. And we had not one but two heist plots. Go MacGyver!

This episode mainly focused on Russ and Desi. But before that i’d like to point a few things.

Matty noticing right away that Russ had an emotional connection with the case was brilliant. Nothing gets by the boss lady!

Action scenes were so good!

The songs they pick are on FIRE! I’m gonna need the season 5 soundtrack.

I wished we had more Bozer and little bit more Riley but i’m not gonna complain.

Now lets talk about Russ and Desi.

Russ & Desi

Russ:

Henry Ian Cusick is a brilliant actor. I’ve been a fan of his since LOST and so far I'm really satisfied with the Russ character. Sometimes he makes me want to shake him real hard, sometimes he makes me laugh i wanna be besties with him and sometimes i just wanna hug him badly! That's a great character for you btw. He has many layers and he is growing. His sadness over losing his protegee, the way he feels responsible for her death, the way he made the choice of sending the bad guy to prison instead of taking revenge were all great moments. And instead of keeping secrets from his team this time when Matty and later Mac asked what’s going on, he opened up and told them the truth. The last scene with the grieving family was also very emotional. 😭

Desi:

Now you know that i'm not a big fan of Desi. I've been waiting for some growth, asking the gods to save her from being a one dimensional character since season 4 episode 1. Last season didn't do good for Desi. Apart from a few good moments, she was mostly and badly used as a love interest. 

This season tho, i'm finally starting to relate to this character. In the first episode i didn't enjoy that she blamed Riley for her own wrongdoings but in the end she revealed that she was mostly angry at herself and regretted what she's done. This episode she was great from the start to the end. She tried her best without complaining, she risked her life, she bonded with Jess and it was beautiful to watch. We've seen her smile more! And she pulled a Mission Impossible level job like a professional thief.

MacRiley-MacDesi... What's happening with the triangle?

I didn't talk about MacRiley or MacDesi much in my first review bcoz i wanted to watch at least one more episode to see the situation more clearly. The first 2 episodes did not focus on romance and it's totally fine. I'm good with that. What i hate is when they "force" scenes into plots for no good reason. Romance needs to feel natural just like the action scenes or character moments.

While 501 and 502 didn’t have big “ship moments” they did hint on where all 3 characters are standing. It was done subtly and didn't feel forced at all.

In first 2 episodes the thing that caught my eye was the lack of "sexual tension" between MacDesi. The writers been forcing the sexual tension between them ever since Desi first showed up. They created so many out of the blue situations to catch the "hot couple" vibes, it was agonizing to watch at times.

The first 2 episodes announced the good news: No more forced tension between them.

But the important question is, what kept MD so far was mostly the physical attraction and now that it's gone, what's left? 

The training scene in the ring could have been one of those moments where the writers use to keep the tension going, but it didn't happen. Jess made a comment on how Mac might have lost his chance of dating Desi. But Mac seemed pretty cool about it. The look on his face didn’t say "Oh no i can't lose her"; it was more like "Lost my chance? Oh lady, i’m way passed that!"

But Desi's reaction told me a different story. She heard what Jess said and she looked at Mac with this “almost” sad expression? Like she wished he would still want to have another chance with her...

Btw- Mac coming up with a plan to electrify Desi and made it stronger than what he would do to a cow was the funniest sht ever! 🤣🤣🤣

Jumping to MacRiley…

I know we didn’t get any MacRiley solo scenes (yet) but have you all felt the "closeness" between them? The camera intentionally focuses on them a lot more.

501- Running towards each other in the corridor... Mac looking at her for ideas, her teasing him... Riley telling Mac to follow her to the medical room and Mac running after her without asking why... Them giving each other the signature MacRiley looks before they all get lifted up to the roof?

502- Mac's eyes always finding Riley's... Them sitting face to face in the plane (in both scenes).

& The cheers scene? It was reminiscent of the scene from 4x05. They’re celebrating a successful mission just like 4x05 but with one difference! In 4x05, the camera focused on the shared looks and cheers between MD, hinting what's about to come. But now the focus is on MacRiley. The way Mac stared at Riley and the smile she gave him... very telling!💯🔥❤

And i should also mention the first scene with them. MacRiley hunting down Jess in their own nerdy ways was great. Riley hacked every device possible, Mac improvised. Macsplaining was priceless as always. And Jess's "The Geek Squad" comment was SPOT ON. Yes Jess, Mac and Riley are professional geeks. That's how they roll and get the job done.🤣 Loved it so much!

5x03  

Next week we'll get the first new episode that's written and filmed with Monica Macer as the showrunner. So it's an important one. We'll be getting a confrontation between Mac and Desi. And the synopsis says they are "forced" to confront their relationship. 10 months passed and they NEVER discussed the broken trust between them? Wow... just wow.

I'm expecting a scene with less yelling this time. I'm expecting a resolution that ends with "we never worked as a couple but how about we try to be good friends?"

We need some peace between these two. Lets start over, this time with no forced romance please. (Don’t let me down writers!!!)

Of course the triangle will not be resolved that quickly. So here’s how i see it going: 

Desi slowly lets go of Mac, figures out what she really wants from a relationship (if there’ll be a season 6, she finds happiness with her true match).

Mac realizes his "hidden" feelings for Riley and finally dares to explore them.

Riley decides whether she should take the risk and act on her feelings for Mac or not.

I believe that the triangle’s fate was decided the moment Riley realized her feelings for Mac in 4x04. The writers didn’t let Riley (finally) fall for Mac for nothing. It’s for a reason. MacRiley is happening!

See you next week!

[technicolor--dreams]

The object of her affection: chapter 1

Plot summary: Summer 1937. Flighty heiress Susan (Merle Oberon) has been in love for years with her father’s business partner Joseph (Fredric March), and will stop at nothing to get the obejct of her affection, even if it means involving a wise cracking cab driver named Connor (Joel Mccrea) who has little patience for her silly antics.

p.s. i put the actors name and screencaps because that’s how i write, picturing a movie with actors. i hope it’s alright. also if there’s some spelling mistakes english is not my first language so bear with it.

If you had asked Susan Holbrook if she was a sore loser, she would've denied it vehemently, but that was only, of course, because she did not contemplate losing as an option altogether. Since she was born eighteen years before, life had bestowed every blessing upon her. The only daughter of Russ Holbrook, heir to the famed railway dynasty which settled in the United States a century before, she acquired money from her father, beauty from her mother, and her intelligence from both. Since she was an infant, she had been spoiled and pampered, not only by her parents, but also from nannies, servants, and family acquaintances who never failed to stop by the Holbrooks bearing gifts for the littlest one. Her life had been an easy one for most part, as anything she wanted was at her disposal, be it a toy or a pet, or a new shiny pair of shoe handcrafted in Paris. That was, until a fateful spring day on her fifteenth year of life, where she fell upon the only thing her parents couldn’t buy her – love.

She'd first met Joseph about  two years prior at her father's annual company picnic. As the boss' daughter, she was required to attend, but in all frankness, she didn't care much for the event. Everyone in attendance was either too young or too old to keep her company, as most of her peers had been sent to boarding school abroad by their parents once they became of age. Those who had once been her childhood friends were now across the ocean, while she had been left behind to be home schooled, her parents far too sentimental to send the only daughter a continent away.

That year's picnic hadn't seemed remarkable in any way. The weather had been considerably favorable, and the park adjacent to Susan's family's country estate provided the perfect scenery for relaxing and playing around. Conversation with her parents had been pleasurable, as much as it can be for any sixteen year-old girl, that is, and she indulged their friends in small chit-chat whenever they stopped by their table. Food and drinks had been good and plenty, and by the time two p.m. rolled round, she was ready to settle on a blanket with a book and doze off in the sun for a couple of hours.

It was during a particularly enthralling passage of Wuthering Heights, that a handsome stranger approaching her father caught her attention by standing in her light. When she put her book down and turned around he was already gone, immersed in chatter with her father a few feet away from her. From where she was standing she could only see his back, but she admired his tall, slender figure and his broad shoulders. She noted that his left finger was bare, not to mention he had a whole head full of hair, which was not something to underestimate in her limited opinion. How many times had she met perfectly handsome men who from the front sported luxurious locks, only to find out when she turned around that God had not been as generous in the back!

The man appeared beside her, after ending his conversation with Mr. Holbrook. "Do you mind If I sit here?" 

"Not at all." she replied, scooting aside to make room for him.

"I don't think we've met. I'm Joseph Westley." he extended his hand, "I just started working for your father a month ago."

"I'm Susan." she shook his hand in turn, "But you probably already knew that."

"Firm grip." he observed.

"Father says it's the mark of a great man."

"But you're not a man."

"Who says a woman can't be as great as any man?"

"True. Say, how old are you? Fifteen?"

"I'll be sixteen next month."

"Hm." Joseph picked a grape from a nearby container and popped it into his mouth. "You got moxy for your age. I like that. I bet you could convince someone you were a tree if you talked to them long enough."

"Perhaps. I've never tried. How old are you?"

"Thirty last month." He replied, looking far away pensively. "You know, it's nice to talk to someone young for a change. Everyone here's either five or fifty."

"Tell me about. I had to go to these things since I was a baby. You know, you should bring someone to keep you company at this sort of boring engagements ... “ Susan said coyly, trying to suss things out. “a girlfriend, or a wife."

"I don’t have any. Maybe someday. What about you? No one to keep you company?"

"Oh, no. I'm just there to play good little daughter and be the belle of the ball."

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"Why should it? I'm not one in a position to complain. Besides, once I'm eighteeen, everything's gonna change. I'll do what I want."

"Now, you sound exactly your age." Joseph laughed.

As they continued talking, Susan's fascination with Joseph only grew stronger. It was so different from any other male she'd met. He actually listened to her when she talked, never breaking eye contact and keeping her engaged with questions born out of genuine curiosity rather than mere duty. He treated her like a peer instead of fragile china doll, or a puppy that you pat on the head condescendingly after giving them a little treat.  

Susan hadn't been the only person impressed with Joseph, though, as Susan's father himself had nothing but praise for the young man. His arrival to the company had improved business tremendously, and he found him to be a shrewd businessman, not to mention a trustworthy employee. He saw a great future for him in their company, and soon he was a staple in their household, coming to dinner twice a month, much to Susan's delight. In a matter of months, he had become not only a close associate, but a close friend of the family and everyone could only say that the day they had met Joseph Westley had been a blessed one.

* * *

Months flew by, and they soon became years. Susan’s eighteenth birthday rolled around, and with that, her certainty that Joseph would finally reciprocate her love.  

"Happy birthday to youuu, Happy birthday to youuu. Happy Birthday, dear Susan, Happy birthday to youuuuuuu."  

The crowd surrounding Susan concluded their off-key rendition, clapping and cheering as the maid hauled a white sheet cake with an emblazoned gold eighteen on the table.

"Come on, darling, make a wish." Mrs. Holbrook urged her, patting her shoulder with her lacquered hand.

Susan leaned down on the table and rested her index on her chin, pretending to think it over. In truth, she knew all too well what she wanted, or rather who. In fact, she had been trying to get the object of her affection for years, to no avail. Her eyes glanced across the room where Joseph stood, his dark hair peeking over in the middle of the crowd, and before darting back on the cake she could’ve sworn she was him winking in her direction. She smiled, then blew on the burning candles with all her might. She was gonna get her wish this year, she swore to herself, If that was the last thing she'd do.

* * *

Susan walked towards the balcony, where Joseph leaned over the railing, smoking a cigarette.

"Here," she said, putting a slice of cake on the marble in front of him. "I saved you a corner piece. Those are the best ones."

"Thanks" he replied, putting out the cigarette on a nearby ashtray. "There was so many people trying to get a piece, I figured I'd never get close anyway."

"Consider this one the perks of being close friends with the birthday girl."

"So, how does eighteen feel?" He asked, digging with his fork into the white frosting.

"Don't you remember?"

"It's been a while," he chuckled, "You're gonna have to refresh my memory."

"Exactly the same, and completely different at the same time. There is so much I couldn't do yesterday that I could do now. For example, getting married ... I could just run off to Vegas with anyone and be done in a few hours. I'd be set for life, and no one could object." she said casually, hoping Joseph would catch the hint.

"Except voting, or drinking." he quipped.

"Oh, well. What's three years, anyway?"

"Three years is a lot of time at your age. Anything could change."

Susan waved her hand dismissively. "Why must you always be so practical?"

"Occupational hazard." he polished off the last bit of cake left on the plate, leaving a light smearing of frosting over his upper lip. “Listen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you a-”

Susan giggled, unable to contain herself at the sight of Joseph’s serious frown next to his sugary moustache.

"What's so funny?"  

"You got a bit of -" she giggled some more, coming closer to reach for his face, then ran her thumb over his mouth.

"Susan." he said firmly, but not without a hint of fondness in his voice, retracting as gently as possible.

“All gone.” She reclined back on the railing, and licked the frosting from her fingers. "You know, I think a moustache would suit you. Look at Clark Gable. Before he had one he was nobody, then boom, he won an academy award. You should think about it."

"Maybe. That's a big change in a man's life." he said, averting her gaze and picking up his empty plate. "I think we'd better go back inside, it's getting chilly out here. Everyone is probably wondering where you are."

* * *

If there wasn’t one thing Susan couldn’t resist, it was a good piece of gossip. Mind you, she was not one to engage directly in the activity, but in her opinion, there was no harm done in being a passive listener. If wasn’t her fault if other people couldn’t keep their tongues tied, after all, and if she happened to be in earshot, she certainly couldn’t help what she ended up hearing.

So, of course, that monday, when she ran into some of her mother’s friends sitting poolside at the Country club after her weekly tennis practice, and found them immersed in deep hushed chatter, she couldn’t help but stopping by - not because she wanted to eavesdrop, of course. It would have just been quite impolite not to say hello, that was all. Etiquette and whatnot.  

“Good morning, ladies.”

The small group immediately stopped their chatter, turning their attention to Susan.

“Susan! Come, come sit, darling. You must be parched.” Mrs. Vance, one of her mother’s fellow member of the daughters of the American revolution said, before pouring her her a glass of iced tea.

Susan thanked her and sipped on her drink, as the woman kept talking.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t come to your birthday party last week. It’s my Benjamin. The flu, you see. He’s always been sensitive to temperatures, but now I’m afraid age is catching up with him. He’s all bones and his skin, all wrinkles.”  

“Poor thing.” Susan said, sympathetically. “Send him my regards, and tell him I wish him a quick recovery.”

Mrs. Vance furrowed her brows, uncertain what to say. “I will, If he can understand what I’m saying.”

Susan put a hand on her heart. “Oh, gosh, I didn’t know his health that bad.”  

Mrs. Hoover, a little octogenarian with fiery red hair sitting on Susan’s right side, leaned into her. ”Benjamin is her sphinx cat.” she whispered.

“Oh.”  

“Anyway,” Mrs. Vance continued, “We’ll have occasion to see each other soon. Your family is coming to Martha’s Vineyard this fourth of July, right?”

“Oh, yeah, we wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.”

Every year during the days leading to the fourth of July, Susan and her parents flew to their Martha’s Vineyard property, alongside some of their close friends who also happened to have properties in the same area. It was a full on extravaganza filled with music, food, and games, leading up to the big party the night of the fourth, which the families took turns in hosting.

“You better not.” Mrs. Vance replied, “I heard this year it’s gonna be quite the event.”  

Her dark eyes closed into slits, her mouth thinning into an enigmatic smile, giving her the appearance of an elder Mona Lisa.

“Really?” Susan asked, perking up.

“Yes, but I shan’t say more.” the woman mimed zipping her mouth.

Mrs. Hanson, a plump blonde woman around her mother's age,  jumped in from her seat across the table. “An engagement is gonna be announced on the fourth, or so they say.”

“Oh, how fascinating!” Susan sighed, dreamily. “Whose?”

“Phyllis, I said no talking!” Mrs. Vance objected.

“No, dear, you said you would say nothing. I’ll talk as much as I please!” Mrs. Hanson replied, before turning back to Susan.  

“So, I was at the hairdresser yesterday, and who I run into if not Louella.”

Louise Carson, neè Wilson, was known to her family members by her birth name. But to everyone else who mattered she was known as “Louella”, due to her more than average-sized mouth.

“Her sister-in law lives right next door to the brother of the widow of the younger Wilson. You know, the short one, not the tall one.”

“And?” Susan pressed on.

“She says the daughter of the other Wilson brother is announcing her engagement at the party.”

“Which Wilson? the short one?”

“The middle one.”

“Age or height?”

“Both.” Mrs. Hanson replied, before turning to Mrs. Hoover. “Martha, what’s his daughter’s name?”  

“Helen.” her friend supplied.

“Yes!” Mrs. Hanson exclaimed. “She’s the one getting engaged. Do you know her, Susan?”

“Not really. We only met a few times. Wasn’t she studying in London?”

“She graduated a couple of months ago and came back home.”

“You left out the most important part, Phyllis!” Mrs. Hoover urged her friend. “The boy!”

“Oh, right. Who is she marrying?”

Mrs. Hoover smiled wickedly through her wrinkles, eager to share such a juicy piece of information.  

“You know him. It’s that nice young fellow who works for your father,” she thought it over for a second, ”Joseph.”

All color drained out of Susan’s face as the grip around the cold glass in her hand tightened, her heart beating a hundred miles an hour under her white tennis outfit. She didn’t dare move a muscle, or reply for that matter, fearing her feelings could have transpired in her reaction. If her shock was evident, she couldn’t tell either way, since the ladies around her seemed much more concerned with the sound of their own voices than anyone else's, buzzing like bees.

“Now, you have to promise to keep this hush-hush. It’s supposed to a surprise.” Mrs. Vance said.

“Hmm-hmm.” Susan agreed, nodding, before gulping down the remaining of her tea, her mind barely registering what was happening around her.

The ladies continued talking, engaging Susan in polite chatter, but the whole ordeal had clearly lost all of its appeal to her. What was the fun of gossip when you were at the offending end, albeit indirectly?  

So, she got up on unsteady feet and excused herself, leaving Mrs. Vance with the promise of coming over soon with her mother to visit Benjamin and share a cup of tea.

She checked her wristwatch on the way to the wooden building housing the changing rooms. It was only eleven in the morning, but she already couldn't wait for the day to be over.  

[escxpedes]

loopholes (cont.)

I literally can’t even begin to tell you how much everyone’s support meant to me on the last chapter. All your comments and tags were so sweet, it was seriously the highlight of my day. I’m sorry for the delay, I meant to get this out a couple of days ago, but I’ve come down with a bad cold. This part, while fun, was so hard to get right. Angus Macgyver is a genius, his mind goes a mile a minute, and I wanted to do my best to replicate that. This part is a little slow in getting to the Macriley stuff, but I wanted to show how much he really thinks about things. He’s such a complex character, that if I didn’t do him justice, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. Also, there’s dialogue in this one! Sadly, Jack isn’t mentioned in this chapter, but he’s there in spirit. Clearly, we all love and miss him. I hope you guys enjoy, the last part will be out soon! x

~

loop·hole

noun | A loophole is an ambiguity or inadequacy in a system, such as a law or security, which can be used to circumvent or otherwise avoid the purpose, implied or explicitly stated, of the system

~

Riley finally moves into her new apartment, but struggles to adjust after the events of Codex and the realization of her feelings for Mac. When Mac finds her passed out over her keyboard after a late night of coding at Phoenix, he decides a talk is long overdue. Just some slightly angsty soft!macriley to help you cope with this season 5 hiatus.

~

of lips that i am yet to kiss (and eyes not met my own.)

It's highly unlikely that you'll find Mac walking down the halls of the Phoenix Foundation so late at night. Without the bustling energy of his coworkers fetching important documents or discussing the best way to break down one of the many mysteries the foundation deals with, the darkened hallways and quiet atmosphere can be unnerving.

Sure, he spends nearly every waking hour employed there, but he'd rather be outside the office in different countries, doing hands-on work and saving lives. When you work in his profession, It can be difficult to separate business and pleasure, but that only makes it more important—if only to conserve what mental health he has left. 

However, in the haste of putting together last-minute preparations for yet another meeting with the Department of Justice and trying to make it back to his house in time for something Desi whipped up, he managed to forget his cellphone.

It's funny, mainly because of how little the small device truly matters to Mac.

It only goes to show how insignificant material objects, or even human beings in general, are. The idea that something so meaningless can affect someone's life so much when, if they just looked past that obsession and considered its part in the profound scope of the universe, another perspective would take shape.

It's fascinating stuff, really.

There's a concept essential to understanding Japanese aesthetics, otherwise known as an ancient set of ideals important to Japanese society, called Yūgen. When applied in the right context, Yūgen underlines this deep awareness of the universe and the experiences we have within it. It's often the feeling interpreted when you gaze at the stars late at night or watch the sunset dip behind a hill.

Mac wouldn't think twice before breaking his phone, or rather, breaking the phone of his nearest friend, open for an obscure part that might make one of his many homemade devices come together. However, when he's the only person able to communicate the scientific specifications of an unheard-of-until-recently base plan for saving the planet, he's practically on call 24/7.

He remembers having it in the labs earlier that day when he stopped by before his meeting to remind Bozer to come by his house on Friday for the team's new weekly attempt in group-bonding.

After the betrayals that surfaced during the climax of taking down Codex, the team collectively decided to spend more time as a group in hopes of eliminating any lingering doubts. 

They used to hang out all the time before the government dismantled the Phoenix Foundation.

Mac still can't believe that, after everything they had been through, he allowed his friendships to dissipate over the year they had been separate.

Bozer is his childhood best friend, and Riley had become a solid foundation in his life. He didn't have anyone outside his team at Phoenix, and while he deeply cared for Desi, their first relationship was proof that too much time—and too little communication—with each other can do severe damage to one's sanity.

If Russ hadn't brought them back together, would they have tried to reconnect at some point?

Mac wants to say they would have but wouldn't blame them if they didn't; they all lost something they cared about, and each served as a constant reminder of it.

It would've been hard, but part of him feels like living without them is a lot harder.

When he manages to access the lab, flipping his shiny new I.D. card over his fingers and into its place in his wallet, his eyes scan the room. It's empty, which isn't unusual at this time, but years of military training have rewired his brain to notify him of threats, even if there aren't any.

Just like he thought it would be, the device sits untouched a few tables behind Bozer's workspace where Mac had been sitting.

Quickly, because he left the house in a hurry and forgot to leave a note, he scoops up his phone and makes his way towards the exit. There's a couple of missed calls, but it doesn't seem like he missed anything too important.

Not that they would let him. 

At any rate, they would probably show up on his doorstep if they couldn't get a hold of him. With days off so few and far between, that's the kind of interaction he's hoping to avoid. Hence, why he came to pick up his phone when he realized it was missing instead of waiting until the next day.

He's nearly made it to the end of the hall when a light flashes in his peripheral vision, coming from the I.T. department.

His body is tense with apprehension; his mind races with several different kinds of possibilities and outcomes. He slows his pace, his movements fluid, silent, and controlled from years of stealth practice.

The light is soft, he notices, as if only one or two monitors are in use.

When he gets to the doorway and nudges open the door, hands at the ready, his entire body sags in relief to see the dark wavy hair he's come to associate with one of his closest friends.

"Riles?"

The nickname falls from his mouth before he can stop it, and even though the light from the monitor creates a halo above her head, shadowing her features, it's unmistakably her.

She doesn't move. 

It becomes abundantly clear why as Mac moves towards her and notices the monitor's screen filling up with a sequence of letters that look nothing like coding despite his lack of knowledge in programming languages.

Her elbow balances precariously on the edge of the table, her arms creating a makeshift pillow for her head. The weight of her forearm bears down on the keyboard, causing the side of her hand to press down multiple keys at once.

He shakes his head a little, amused by the situation unfolding. 

Her cheek rests comfortably on her hand, a serene expression masking the signs of exhaustion that showed on her face.

Mac's lips curved into a soft smile, seeing Riley in any state that wasn't cloaked in layers of worry or anxious determination always washed away any doubts he might have about working in such a stressful field.

The scars that covered his body, the secrets he has to keep, and the pain he has to endure are so unbelievably worth it as long as she out of harm's way and able to sleep peacefully.

Of course, he couldn't imagine anyone else by his side on a mission, knowing they share the same love and passion for kicking ass and saving lives.

However, he also knows that more lies underneath the surface.

He wouldn't wish the hardships of this job on anyone. Seeing it affect someone he cares about, watching it break them down slowly pulls at his heartstrings and fills him with a knowing sadness. 

When a piece of hair falls into her face, his fingers don't hesitate to gently brush it behind her ear, lightly tracing her cheekbone and caressing her cheek.

Kneeling, his hand drops to her shoulder in an attempt to gently wake her.

After a couple of shakes, the expressive brown eyes he's come to look forward to seeing begin to flutter open and nearly render him speechless.

She blinks a couple of times, inhaling slowly, "Macgyver."

Her voice is full of sleep and breaks from misuse, but the way she says his name—like there's nobody else she'd expect to see when she wakes up —has him grinning from ear to ear.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

Rising from her position on the table, she scans the room before meeting his eyes and scoffing, "It's hardly the morning."

He laughs softly, holding back the urge to mention that technically it is morning considering its past twelve. Instead, he focuses on the matter at hand, or more likely, the question at hand.

"What are you doing here so late?"

She's more alert now, sitting back in her chair and lifting her arms to stretch out the muscles that stiffened while she slept, glancing at her work on the monitor.

Her face drops into a grimace when she notices her mistake, "Matty and I were talking about updating the foundation's firewall and spyware," she yawns, "I must have been more tired than I realized."

Mac's eyebrows scrunch in thought, remembering something Bozer said earlier about Riley spending quite a few nights this week working late.

Between going over his mother's scientific data, trying to patch up whatever relationship he had left with Desi, and making sure he didn't go off the rails with grief, his effort to check in on everyone decreased significantly.

"Yeah, you've been doing that a lot lately," his hand returned to her shoulder to emphasize his point, "Everything okay?"

She waves him off, "There's too much work that needs to be done around here before we can get things running the way they used to."

Riley doesn't lie to him—if you overlook the whole situation with her ex, Aubrey, that is, but the movements she's making indicate otherwise.

Her eyes refuse to meet his, flickering down and to the right. When she talks, her head shakes lightly, and she purses her lips in an attempt to give off a careless impression. Maybe someone who doesn't know her or didn't train to pick up on it would believe her, but he knew better.

She was definitely hiding something from him.

Part of him understands that if she wanted to talk about it, she would. However, his instincts urge him to press harder, locate the problem, and bring back her contagious smile that always seems to fill him with warmth.

As much as he doesn't want to admit it, you can't patch some things together by sheer will and sellotape, so instead, he stands up and drops his hand from her shoulder.

"Let's get you home."

[zigtheeortega]

ride or die playlist

by @pixeljazzy and @zigtheeortega

so after pj made this post, and was encouraged by @choicesarehard to make a playlist for rodaw, i reached out to her and we decided to collab! this is a comprehensive playlist, with explanations for each song. some being the lyrics fit really well, but others are because the vibe fits the characters (in our opinion), not necessarily the song meaning.

putting the song explanations under the cut, since it’ll be long! songs picked by pj have [p] next to it and mine have [j] next to it! hope you enjoy it!

Logan

What You Know Bout Love, Pop Smoke [p]

I had to apply the pressure, ‘cause you my hidden treasure / I think I’m falling in love 

Are we surprised this song is first? C’mon now. Anyway, literally when I heard it for the first time, I was like this is the love song that I could see someone just vibing to in a car with their partner, at a house party in the corner serenading their boo, etc. and then BOOM a vision of Hieron and Logan in a car appeared because I could totally see this as their vibe. Just the thought of Logan rapping this line to Hieron clears my skin.

[p.s. pj wrote a fic based on this song and it’s perfect you should read it]

The Way, Trippie Redd ft. Russ [p]

We’re lost but, babe, we found the way

Because Logan and MC are two teens are a mess lowkey and don’t know what they want from life quite yet but they know they got it together.

Think About Me, dvsn [p]

This song is just radiating Logan and MC parting ways vibes

FIND MY WAY, DaBaby [p]

I feel like as Logan is driving away from MC to god knows where, this is something he’d definitely drive to

Seasons, 6lack ft. Khalid [p]

You’re lucky the greatest thing I can do is marry you / ‘cause if I could, I’d spill my blood

I absolutely adore this slow, chill song, and feel like this is something MC and Logan would be listening to as they unwind in their loft, and with the favorite line, I think it encapsulates how much Logan truly loves and would do anything for MC

Idfc, blackbear [p]

This is giving me Logan vibes after the reveal where MC leaves the shop and he’s just reeling in his emotions and feelings and is just purely in his bag thinking about everything

Hide, Juice WRLD ft. Seezyn [p]

Really think I found my home, shorty made me feel at home

Think I met my soulmate, yeah, I know it

Dusk Till Dawn, ZAYN ft. Sia [p]

But you’ll never be alone / I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn / I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn / Baby, I’m right here

This song hurts me so so much but it’s giving me MC sleeping on Logan’s chest type of vibes while he’s up because he can’t sleep and he’ . Also reminds me of Logan because we all know that infamous line “I was just a rock in space lucky enough to burn up in your atmosphere for a moment,” and I feel like this was an unspoken if you look to the stars you’ll know I’m always with you type beat.

Fool In Love, Rihanna [p]

Mama, I found a man / who loves me and understands / papa, he’s quite a man / he adores me, he’s my biggest fan

Okay so y’all remember how MC was having a mini identity crisis and didn’t know which version of herself she was? And Logan was listening and understanding and processing everything she was ranting about but in the end was just like no matter which one you decide, I like all of you? Yeah, that. Along with him just supporting her whenever he can, even though sometimes it can be overbearing, and him just loving watching her change and grow before his eyes (even though we not gonna mention the part of him that doesn’t love that change, feeling guilty for the person she’s becoming and how it could change her life, and the initial intentions he had although how he feels now is genuine) is literally what I think about with these lines

And don’t get me wrong, I know he’s not perfect in your eyes / but somehow he’s flawless in mine

Papa, did I let you down? / Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?

This is the lyric that really gets me because one of the things I loved about Ride or Die was the complicated relationship MC had with her father as it was something that resonated so strongly with me. So this one right here really just encapsulates an aspect of that because when MC’s on her this is who I am now and I know you resent that because he genuinely is so hurt and in shock of how his girl changed before his eyes, beyond the reigns of control that he once had, and he can’t do anything else but process and accept that his little girl isn’t so little anymore, rolling around with the people he tried so hard to keep her away from.

Roll Dice, Roddy Rich [j]

I seen the Reap’ come / Live my life I had to roll dice / Been through strife, my heart is cold as ice

I’m a star, I’m just hidden in the low light

Pretty explanatory, considering Logan’s been through a considerable amount of situations that put him in harm’s way and he’s come out stronger (and considerably more detached) each time.

Story Of Us, Tinashe [j]

Yeah, you’re the prince of my heart / And now there ain’t no way they can keep us apart, keep us apart

This song reminds me of Logan and MC a lot because it’s an optimistic take on their relationship as a whole and the sad ending.

You Know That I Love You, Donnell Jones [j]

You know that I love you / And that ain’t gon’ change / And though you’re not here with me now / My love for you stays the same

I think Logan would listen to R&B, specifically sappy 90’s R&B, and this line reminds me of them perfectly. I mean just listen to it, it’s perfect.

My Favorite Part, Mac Miller & Ariana Grande [j]

Said, you just don’t know how beautiful you are / And baby that’s my favorite part / You walk around so clueless to it all / Like nobody gonna break your heart

Said, the universe couldn’t keep us apart / Why would it even try?

Before things come together, they have to fall apart

Logan says from the get go that he thinks it’s wild that MC is modest and that he’s surprised she hadn’t gotten a lot of attention from guys. The other song lyrics I mentioned remind me a lot of their separation.

Colt

Me And My Girlfriend, Tupac Shakur [j]

Lost in the whirlwind, ninety-six, Bonnie and Clyde / Me and my girlfriend, do one-eighty-five when we ride

All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend / Down to ride to the bloody end, just me and my girlfriend

So it’s canon that Colt likes West Coast rap – and this song absolutely embodies Colt’s musical interests and his relationship with MC. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but he definitely heard this song and thought of MC.

Something Special, Pop Smoke [p]

I think you’re something special / I’ll take you on a shopping spree

We all know Colt is the king of LA and can definitely buy him and MC anything they want, also the “her father the police” verse quite literally hit the nail on the head

Martin & Gina, Polo G [p]

He was playing games / Got you dancing in the middle of the club

At first, saw this as a Logan and MC song to listen to in the car, but if you’re like me and was romancing Logan but danced in the club with Colt because Logan was being distant, the lyrics just do it for me

Hit ‘Em Up, Tupac Shakur [p]

You couldn’t tell us Colt wouldn’t love this song, we’re not accepting criticism at this time

Pulling Me Back, Chingy ft. Tyrese [j]

Every time I try to leave / Something keeps pulling me back, me back / Telling me I need you in my life / It was meant to be / You were meant for me / So that means we gotta make it work

This song reminds me a lot of Colt’s feelings towards MC, because in the lyrics they’re not mentioning they necessarily love her, they’re just gravitating towards her, realizing they need her. And that’s exactly how Colt works through his feelings.

Loveeeeeee Song, Rihanna ft. Future [j]

Boy lately, you been stingy with your time / Got me wondering, I’m wondering if I’m on your mind / Boy I just wanna be in your possession / You say I’m the one you want so come express it

Yeah, we all know Colt wasn’t straightforward with his feelings but is more prone to expressing himself physically, and I think this song feels like a confession of her own qualms with him but recognizing that she’s alright with him being physical over verbal. Honestly it’s probably not that deep but this song reminds me of Colt x MC so much.

Complicated, Rihanna [j]

Why is everything with you so complicated / Why do you make it hard to love you / Oh I hate it / ‘Cause if you really wanna be alone / I, will throw my hands up ‘Cause baby I tried

God this whole song is Colt and MC all over because he’s so wishy washy and doesn’t express himself properly.

90210, Travis Scott [j]

I think Colt and Logan would bump this and that’s my only reasoning.

Changed Up, Rae Sremmurd [j]

I think Logan and Colt both alike would bump this in their car and maybe relate to the lyrics and the general vibe of it.

Demons and Angels, A Boogie With a Hoodie ft. Juice WRLD [p]

I’m from the West Side, know not to play with us, yeah

I think I’m addicted to this lifestyle, I swear

Colt is quite literally from the West Side, and the ‘I think I’m addicted to this lifestyle’ line is what really stood out to me because Colt wanted nothing than to be a part of his father’s life and legacy, and Kaneko wanted to keep that separate from him because he knew Colt would be all in.

Run This Town, Jay-Z ft. Rihanna [p]

Does this need an explanation because you already know Colt is running the fuck outta LA thank you for tuning in

Mona

Ungodly Hour, Chloe x Halle [j]

You know that I’ve, I heard it all before / You’re hesitant, wish you could give me more

I don’t have the time / To teach you how to love all over again / Now let me ask you this / Are you giving all that you could give?

This is Mona and MC all over. She was clear about being hurt by an ex, and that it was hard for her to open up to MC in the first place, let alone fall for her. So this is like a confessional from MC to Mona.

Te Amo, Rihanna [j]

Then she said Te amo, then she put her hand around my waist / I told her no, she cried Te amo / I told her I’m not gonna run away, but let me go / My soul is awry and without asking why / I said Te amo

The lyrics are sad but this reminds me of Mona and MC, too. There’s a lot of push and pull with Mona, so I think this describes their back and forth so well.

Scared of Love, Juice WRLD [p]

Not scared to love, just scared of love

I initially put this in the Logan section, but I think it’s more fitting for Mona because she put up these walls to avoid putting herself at risk in the process of giving someone her all after the last girl played her, but underneath it all, she’s still capable to love even though she may think she’s undeserving of it from MC or that love in itself is a scam.

ball w/o you, 21 Savage [p] [and j bc our minds are linked]

I’d rather have loyalty than love / ‘Cause love don’t really mean jack / See love is just a feeling / You can love somebody and still stab them in they back

This is giving me Mona and her ex vibes, and just how Mona is a very everyone for themselves type of person so she has no problem balling by herself because that’s what she expects in the end.

Escape, Akon and Wizkid [p]

We can run away / so far away, escape

Oh, my baby, oh, baby / I would never let you go

Okay I know our songs for Mona have been sad lately, but this reminds me of them because Mona said MC would be hard asf to forget and I already know MC is scrambling to find a solution, a possibility, where Mona didn’t have to go to jail and they’d be able to be together, hence ‘escape’.

Escape, Kehlani [p]

Strange for me to wanna love someone / Who’s better by themselves

‘Cause I can’t let you lose yourself, looking for me / And I can’t let you make me your, your everything

I know you see this escape theme I’m on here LMFAOO but I think this is in Mona’s perspective about MC because she’s like MC is a goody two shoes, new to this life, etc. just overall someone with a better future than me and I don’t wanna mess that up for them (hence the I’m dangerous and pushing her away in the beginning and all the warnings).

Acquainted, The Weeknd [p]

Baby, you’re no good / Cause they warned me ‘bout your type girl, I’ve been ducking left and right

To say that we’re in love is dangerous / But girl I’m so glad we’re acquainted

Can’t Remember to Forget You, Shakira ft. Rihanna [p and j]

I can’t remember to forget you / I keep forgetting I should let you go

“You’re gonna be damn hard to forget.”

This is so Mona because it’s both flexible in meaning with her ex and MC. 

MC

Don’t Make It Harder On Me, Chloe x Halle [j]

If you keep acting so sweet / I might just wake up and leave / This boy that I pinky swore / We’d be together for sure / I can’t be thinking of you / When I’m alone with my boo / If you smile at me again / I may do something stupid

Gives me Logan/Colt/Mona love triangle type vibes!

Who Can I Run To, Xscape [j]

Who can I run to, to share this empty space? / Who can I run to, When I need love? / Who can I run to, to fill this empty space with laughter?

After her li’s leave this def gives me those bittersweet vibes like when they all leave L.A., including MC for college.

Aston Martin Music, Rick Ross [j]

Bobbin’ to the music / This is how we do it, all night / Breezin’ down the freeway / Just me and my baby

Would’ve came back for you / I just needed time to do what I had to do / Caught in the life / I can’t let it go / Whether that’s right I won’t ever know

This reminds me of another bittersweet moment like MC is reflecting on her favorite times with her LI, but also acknowledging that her LI can’t be 100% loyal to her because of her lifestyle

Love Without Tragedy / Mother Mary, Rihanna [j]

Brown eyes, tuxedo, fast cars / A James Dean on the low, Dean on the low

Who knew the course of this one drive / Injured us fatally

Let’s live in the moment / As long as we got each other / Die in the moment / I’m prepared to die in the moment / ‘Cause even forever ain’t forever

This entire song fits for all the LI’s (despite the lyrics saying “boy” it works for all of them perfectly. I just picked a couple lyrics to prove it!

Question Existing, Rihanna [j]

Who am I living for?/ Is this my limit?/ Can I endure some more?/ Chances I’m given, question existing

Reminds me of when MC was torn between loyalty to her father and Jason Shaw and MPC at the same time.

Bed of Lies, Nicki Minaj ft. Skylar Grey [p]

This is 100% MC after the reveal.

Change Your Life, Kehlani ft. Jhene Aiko [p and j]

I heard that you a gangsta / Not one to try to save her / Always focus on your paper / Don't got time to wager with your heart

You deserve someone that'll take you to another level

The lyrics to this song fit so well with all of the LI’s. Definitely addresses all of the LI’s reluctance to be with MC and MC’s pursuit of them.

Serial Lover, Kehlani [p and j]

Lord knows / My intentions are pure and my heart full of gold, oh

This song fits MC’s relationship with all of the LI’s, especially when there’s conflict between them. MC is miles more transparent with her feelings than Logan, Colt, and Mona.

She’s So Gone, Naomi Scott [p]

So it looks like the joke’s on you / ‘cause the girl that you thought you knew / She’s so gone

You can look but you won’t see the girl I used to be, ‘cause she / she’s so gone, away / like history

Yes this is from Lemonade Mouth and yes I feel like this embodies MC perfectly!

Misc.

(this includes Ximena, Toby, side characters, the overall vibe of ROD, etc.)

Tints, Anderson .Paak ft. Kendrick Lamar [j]

Ridin’, ridin’, round that open street / I need tints / I need my windows tinted / I can’t be flying down that 110 with a bad bitch in my whip / I need tints

This reminds me a lot of Ximena and Toby because they’re so chill and carefree compared to the rest of the crew, and this song embodies that.

Nascar, Roddy Ricch [p]

Honestly, heard this song and thought I’d be perfect for another side show, or a racing song

We Don’t Luv Em, HoodRich Pablo Juan [p]

Another side show/racing song

DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love, Usher [p]

I feel like this could’ve played at the club depending on the vibe they were going for, and even if they weren’t, I feel like the club was a very romantically charged event so the DJ had errbody falling in love (MC and whoever, Toby and the guy he went off to dance with, etc.)

break da law, 21 Savage [p]

Me and my dawgs break laws

This is Kaneko and the crew, even though Kaneko would never call them his dawgs, but you get the gist.

Trust Nobody, Lil Wayne ft. Adam Levine [p]

I don’t trust nobody, not my lovers, not my friends / I don’t make no promises ‘cause I know just how they’ll end / I don’t trust nobody, I don’t need nobody else / And as messed up as it sounds, I don’t even trust myself, yeah

This hurts me because the song talks about not being able to trust people in general so I feel like this has been Logan all his life, Mona after she was betrayed, and Colt after the death of his father (minus the don’t trust my lover part because obviously they are whipped for MC and you can’t change my mind).

Undercover, Kehlani [p]

You know they don’t wanna see us together / But it don’t matter, no, ‘cause I got you

Baby, they don’t wanna see me be happy / ‘Cause they ain’t happy, no -- they don’t got you

So this is MC with all the LI’s because everybody (Riya, Darius, her dad, etc.) thinks everyone in the crew is bad news but no matter who MC is with, they’re happy with them regardless of what everyone thinks.

Party Monster, The Weeknd [p]

Okay, this might seem really weird, but I feel like this is a song that would play in the background as the crew would plan or orchestrate a heist you know like the camera panning to different people just really focused on that they’re doing like there’s some camera work going on in my head that I wish I could properly articulate but I hope you guys see the vision.

Shut Up and Drive, Rihanna [p and j]

This is self explanatory.

[thatsadbietch]

Well... Its Out There, Now

Summary: One of your adventures while performing daily tasks on BoneZone, the Island you inhabit with several villagers, including one of my favorites so far, Keaton.

Word Count: 3,312

A/N: The first Animal Crossing fanfic I’ve ever written about the first Animal Crossing game I’ve ever played! Fell in love with it immediately.  Purely wholesome fluff, some coming out stories involved that are definitely not cannon.  I hope you like it!

Suppose I should mention, there’s some cursing, but otherwise totally G-Rated

Feedback is always appreciated, I’d love to be a better writer.

_____________________________________________________________

“Here’s to another morning… Calm… serene… kinda dull…” You said to yourself, waking alone in your rented house on BoneZone.  You had jokingly shouted out the name during an island meeting, but the innocent villagers decided it was unique and loved it.

“It’ll be a fun story when I get visitors,” you thought at the time.  But you’d been on the island for a few months now and has had no visitors, just mail.  Which was better than nothing, but you missed your family, your friends…

“Think of it as a vacation, he said,” You mocked as you got dressed.  That is what your brother had said before you boarded the plane, headed to this island getaway, which you originally thought to be just that, until you became the island’s representative.   But, admittedly, it was nice not being in school, or employed in some office somewhere while still having a nice living space and food on the table.  Even the villagers have taken a liking to your and seemed to be Tom Nook’s right-hand person when it came to island matters.  You just wish someone, anyone of your friends or family could have come with you.

Anyway, you walked into your living room and was greeted by Russell, your pudgy cat.  At least you got to take him.  He released a pitiful “Rrreow,�� as he does every morning before you go out to pick up debris and pull weeds.

“Russ, you know by now I do this every morning and I’m back for lunch,” you reminded as you filled his food and water bowls, as if he understood.  “I love you and will be back soon.”

With that, you headed out, making your rounds, greeting the villagers you came across.

“Yo, hoohaahaa, what’s up?” Louie, the fitness-enthused gorilla called, jogging past.

“Hey, Louie!” you called back, and glanced at your phone.  8:13.  He was probably on his 28th lap by now.  22 more to go.  “Make sure to stay hydrated.  We don’t want a repeat of what happened last week.”

Louie actually stopped, scratched the back of his head, and blussed.  “Yeah… I was pretty lucky you happened to be in the orchard that day.  You’re the best!” He called out, and continued his work out.

“He’s crazy,” You said to yourself, shaking your head.

“I’ll say.” You jumped, looking to your right to see Keaton snickering.  A bird with vibrant blue and yellow feathers shouldn’t be hard to spot, but dammit he managed.  The two of you hit it off pretty quickly, and his company became comforting, especially when you faced some serious homesickness.

“I don’t want a heart-attack today, Keaton.” You stated and crossed your arms, but a small grin gave away how amused you were.

“I would never do such a thing, friendo. Never. Now, scare you for my own entertainment… that, I would do.”  You raised an eyebrow.

“Hey, you want a deal on that house expansion or not?”

Keaton put his wings over his heart. “I’m hurt, that you would stoop so low… with me of all people.”  You gave him a gentle nudge.

“I’m teasing you, feather-face.  But, if you wanted to make sure that deal comes through, you could help me out this morning. I need to pull weeds, tend to the garden…”

“Hmmm,” he exasperated, “Walk around the island with my bestie and share gossip? I think I can manage.”

They first made their way around Resident Services.  Kicks happened to be by Resident Services today, selling his shoes and bags.  They stopped to look a bit; You found a bag that you thought to fill with other items and send to your family as a care package.  For now, you slung it over your shoulders, and they continued to the beachside garden, and began pulling weeds.

“So, when do I get to meet the folks? The friends? Or are you actually on the run for something and can’t go back home?” Keaton asked teasingly.  You rolled your eyes and shook your head, the signature expression.

“Whenever they visit.” You said simply, knowing that Keaton meant no harm, but you missed them the more they were mentioned.

“What about you? Anyone here catch your eye?” you grinned.  For once, you saw Keaton hesitate, and he stopped pulling weeds for a moment.

“Hey, if I said something wrong-”

“No, you didn’t. I was just thinking…” he said, casting another uprooted weed aside.  The two of you walked over to the river to rinse off.

“You can tell me. You know the golden rule, we share other people’s gossip, not ours.” You joked, bringing barely a half smile to his face.  They stood and continued to the main garden, where the villagers collaborated to produce hybrid plants.  The two sat on a nearby bench, deciding to take a break.

“…Y/N...” He said, almost whispering. “I do have my eyes on someone… another bird…”  Your eyes widened.

“Is it Piper? You never told me anything!” You would have exclaimed, but in whisper form.  Even so, Keaton flailed his wings and shushed you.

“NOOO! She and I are just good friends.”  You raised an eyebrow.  “You suuuuure?”

“Y/N, I’m trying to be serious here.” The smirk quickly vanished and you nodded.  Keaton brought his knees to his chest, not unlike a scared child during a thunderstorm.

“…it’s… Wilbur.”  You breathed a sigh and chuckled a little bit, infuriating the bird.  He stood up quickly.

“I TRUSTED YOU, Y/N! And you’re sitting here, laughing at me and-“

“HEY, chill, unless you want to wake up the island.” Keaton sat back down.

“I honestly wasn’t sure what I was expecting… But Keaton, bottom line, relax.  I don’t care if you have a crush on Wilbur.”  He tucked his knees to his chest again and looked you in the eye. “Really?”

“Dude, half of my friends are gay.  And regardless, I don’t love them any more or less based on who they love.  People like to make this complicated.  It’s really not.”  Keaton just looked at you for a minute, and sighed, and nodded.

“Well, is there something else on your mind? You’ve never been this quiet for this long,” You jested.  He gave you a smirk and a sideways glace before hitting your arm. “Shut up.  It just feels nice to get that off my chest.  Thanks, wingo.” He said, and turned to wrap his wings around you in a hug.  You squeezed back, though had a mischievous glare still in your eye.

“Just don’t say anything too early.  I had Bells on you and Piper.” Keaton gasped dramatically (yup, he’s back) and exclaimed, “HOW RUDE!” before pushing your away from him and off the bench.  You cackled the entire time, and once Keaton started laughing too you grabbed onto his legs and dragged him down with you.

“Oh, that’s it! Chores be damned, it’s go-time!” You sprang up before he finished his threat and ran, both careful to follow the path and not ruin the flowers (all the villagers would be upset, but you both would have surely faced Dobie’s wrath).  Once out of the garden, you made a beeline for the river; you had your retractable vaulting pole thankfully.  You dug it out of your pocket, pushed the button that released the pole, and vaulted over the river.  As you retracted and returned it to your pocket, you turned and saw Keaton on the other side.  You blew a raspberry before calmly strolling away.  Keaton would not be defeated, not like this.  He backed up a bit, enough to get a full sprint toward the river before jumping.  That and one hard flap of his wings got him across the river. 

You were content catching your breath, walking along the beach, until you heard footsteps.  “Oh, this must be Louie’s last lap.  Good for hi-“ your thought was interrupted as a set of wings took your around the middle, tumbling onto the warm sand of the shore.  You landed on your back, but before you entered full-blown attack mode you looked up and saw Keaton strattled over your and laughing loudly.  You couldn’t help but to laugh too, and tried to topple Keaton over.  However, he took your wrists and planted himself more firmly to the sand, still giggling light heartedly.

“Oh, I don’t think so.  You were super rude earlier.  I think it’s time you apologized.”  The only human on the island rolled their eyes yet again.  “I was teasing you, dude.”  He shrugged, but didn’t budge.  You sighed.

“Oooh fine.  Keaton, I’m sorry about the joke I made with Piper and Bells. Happy?”  Keaton smirked.

“Almost.  Now, you have to tell me a secret, since I told you a big one about me.”

“Are you joking?”

“Does this face look like it’s joking?” You paused.  Keaton glared, knowing there was a sarcastic comment just dying to come out.

“Y/N, I swear-“

“No, but it looks like a punch line!” you giggled at your own joke as if it were the funniest thing you could have said.

“WOW, you’re on a roll today!” Keaton exclaimed, amplifying your laughter.  He wasn’t a dumb bird, he knew there was a reason you spent so much time by yourself, even after meeting and getting to know everyone that’s moved on the island.  In fact, greeting new villagers was your job, and yet you were still holding something back.

“Come on, you aren’t getting up until I hear some spilled tea.  Let’s go,” he demanded, but you shook your head defiantly.

“I don’t have any secrets for you, Keaton.  I’m a pretty open book.”

“That so? Then why are you still trying so hard to get me off of you?”  For having nothing to hide, you were trying awful hard to get your wrists back.  So, you wracked your brain for anything unrelated to “spill,” but just didn’t have anything else.

“Now who’s being quiet?” Keaton playfully mocked.   You didn’t know what else to say, so you blurted, “I have three tattoos!”  Keaton looked blankly at you.

“I know that.  And even if I didn’t, that’s not a great secret.”

“But you’ve only seen two.  How do you really know?” Silent blank-staring.  Keaton then noticed the bottom of your shirt rose slightly from the struggle.

“Y/N, hang on, I don’t want the sand to burn you,” he said, releasing a wrist as to fix it.  However, when his feathered fingers stroked the exposed skin, you jerked and instinctively grabbed his wrist.  He was shocked at the suddenness of your movements, but then it clicked.

“Oh, honey… that’s the kind of secret I’m talking about…”

“Keaton, NOO-“

“The kind I can totally get behind using against you.”

“Keaton no means no-AAGGH, no-ho, KEEHEEATON!” Safe to say, you underestimated how strong Keaton was.  He quickly freed the wrist you caught, held both of yours in one wing and held them to one side, giving him free reign to glide his feathers over your now more-exposed hip bone.  You brought your head to your hands and hid your face while you cackled endlessly at the ticklish sensation.

“STAHAHP, KEHEATON, pleaaAH! HAHA!” Keaton smirked at your desperate attempt at coherent English, as he went from gentle gliding to pinching your hip and working his way up and down your side, while you frantically and flutily kicked the air behind them.

“You, one of the reasons I liked you was because you and I can pick on each other..  But now, knowing this, I know juuuuust how to bring you down a peg!”  Your hiding in your hands didn’t go unnoticed, nor did the fact that aside from hiding your face, you weren’t making any real effort to get away from him.

“You want to know what I find funny?” He asked and paused so you could answer.

“Really *huff* bad *huff* dad jokes.”

“Despite it all, I don’t think I’m going to break your sarcasm,” the bright bird replied with a blank expression.  “Anyway, no. I think it’s funny that you’d rather spend your energy hiding your face than stopping me~.”  You didn’t say anything, but your cheeks flushed a deep red, and you attempted to hide your face again.

“Nuh uh, none of that!” he exclaimed, and rather than just holding your wrists to the side, he lifted them above your head.  “There’ll be no more hiding for you~.” You shuddered in anticipation, and witnessed mischief take over Keaton’s facial features.  If he and Wilber ever got together, you’d have to remember to properly warn him about Keaton’s dark side. 

“Though, I’m willing to make a deal with you.”  You sighed and relaxed… while you could.

“What kind of deal?”  That glint in Keaton’s eye… you were all too familiar with.  He’s not done.

“I think this is a fantastic secret you’ve shared with me… whether you meant to or not,” he started, and glided his feathers across your exposed skin, from one hipbone to the other.  You clenched your fists and gritted your teeth to try to maintain some form of composure now that you couldn’t hide your face.  Keaton chuckled and continued.

“But anyway, I still don’t think it quite adds up to mine.  I think I need to know which places will wreck you.”  You tried to feign disbelief.

“You don’t think I’m wrecked now?”

“No, I think you were surprised. And I think there would have been a lot more of a struggle if I were onto something. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think this-” He suddenly grabbed and poked at your hip and sides, causing an explosive cackle “-is effective.  And adorable.”

“Fuhuhck off,” you replied casually, then froze after seeing his surprised face.  Then you realized it was the first time you’d ever said that to him.   In jest, of course, but Keaton, ever the dramatic one, played as though he’d never been more hurt or offended.

“Oh, I was going to give you the option to tell me.  But that chance has been blown.” He began sinisterly. “I’ll just find out myself.”

“Wait no Keaton I didn’t meheheAAAN IIIITT! NOOOHOHOHAHAHAA!” You couldn’t speak clear enough, and had no way of covering your face, but you still tried to contain yourself enough that he might get bored, or think all of your ticklish areas were about the same.  But you were never a good actor; and he had already decided to begin his onslaught again on a bad spot.  He kneaded in the middle of your rib cage, resulting in complete hysterics.

“Well, lucky guess!” he exclaimed, switching between this spot and your underarms randomly.  It was as if you’d never reacted to such a ticklish onslaught before.  “Right? Did I guess right?” he tormented, and he chuckled to himself as You frantically nodded and grabbed his wrists instinctively.

Soon enough though your laughing grew silent, and Keaton figured you’d just about had enough.  He relented and let go of your wrists, then laughed when you didn’t move them from over your head; you just remained still to catch your breath.

“It’s *huff* too early *huff* for this *huff* shit.”  Keaton cackled evilly.

“Gee, I wonder what discoveries I’ll make if I just, ya know, turned around and tried the other half of you.” Your eyes widened and summoned at least enough strength to shove him off, and turned to run until you was jerked backward:  Keaton had hurried and grabbed the bag you’d bought earlier that was on your back and used it to catch and knock your off balance, forcing you on the ground, lying face down. 

“Damnit!  That care package cost me more than just Bells…”

“Your folks and I are lucky you’re so thoughtful.” Keaton played, clearly enjoying himself.

“Oh, shut the hell up.”

“Wow, grouchy.  Bet I can fix that, though,” Keaton teased, and You braced yourself again…  But nothing came.

“… on second thought, nah.” Keaton said while standing and offered his wing to help you up.  You looked up at him skeptically, and took his wing.

“What?”

“I decided you earned a break.  Plus, that reaction was gold, I know you’re hiding something else, and I’ll try to find out what when you least expect it.”  He said triumphantly, though still sporting a sinister glare.

“Oooh, that’s dirty,” You replied, but couldn’t help but grin.

“What? It gives you a chance to enjoy yourself unexpectedly, too, ya know.” The red glow still played at your cheeks, even after you’d caught your breath.

“I don’t know what you mean.” You said sourly with your arms crossed.

“Oh,” Keaton started as they continued along the shoreline toward Bertha and Elise’s houses, picking up shells as they walked. “I’m not oblivious, friendo.  If you enjoy something and no one gets hurt, there’s nothing to be embarrassed over.”  The statement did NOT help, as you turned away again, feeling the heat intensifying on your face.  Deciding he wasn’t helping, he tried to change the subject.

“So… what do you think my chances are with Wilbur?  You fly a lot, have you talked to him much?”  You peeked over at him, and decided to set your shells down and sit in one of the new beach chairs you’d placed a few days ago.  Keaton took the one next to you.  You shrugged before responding.

“He seems nice, but I’ve never gotten a vibe as to his preference.  I could talk to him more, be your wingmate.” You offered, wiggling your eyebrows at the colorful bird. Keaton beamed.

“You would?? I’d really like that, wingo! Thanks!”

“It’s no problem.”  Even carrying on normal conversation, Keaton still had a feeling something was still… off.

“Hey, wingo, there are no hard feelings about earlier, are there? I mean, I was just playing, that’s all, I didn’t mean-“

“You’re okay, Keaton,” You stated, finally turning to face him.  You were actually smiling, albeit kind of sadly.

“You’re right though, from earlier.  I was caught off guard, I do… actually… enjoy it… it’s hard to admit.  I’ve never told anyone about it.”

“Are you for real?” Keaton asked.  “What are you afraid of? I’m sure no one that loves and cares about you would think anything of it.  At least no more than your usual weird.” He smirked.  You shot him a glare, but smirked back.  Your face returned to one of indifference and took a deep breath.

“I know that.  I just have a hard time talking about it.”

“Why?”  You remained silent for a bit.

“I don’t really know.  It’s just a… thing.  I don’t know.”  Keaton thought about it for a second.  You looked back over.

“Really, you don’t have to worry about it.  I’m not sure when I’ll see any of them again anyway, with me trying to get something started for myself here and all, so…  and it’s not worth all the thinking.” 

He was clearly not listening, and proved it when he turned and said, “Ya know, the news is a thing.  Music is a thing.  There are a lot of things that you don’t have a problem talking about that you like, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-“

“No buts, I’m not done,” he remarked sassily. You snickered and let him continue.  “My point is, maybe you should just think about it as if it’s one of those types of things.  And from what you’ve told me, you have decent enough people in your life to listen without passing judgement.  And if anyone does… well, another thing is this side of me that hardly ever has to come out, but it will for you, friendo.”

“…oh,” You remarked.  Don’t piss off Keaton.  Got it.  He laughed again.

“Does any of that make sense?”

“Yeah.  I think so.  Maybe I’ll approach it that way next time.”

“Good.  And let me know how it turns out.  Because I love it when people tell me I’m right.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

[teamvnla]

Cutscene ; MKRL meets COAL

Jae nearly fell back from the weight of both Silverlight holstered on his back and the rabbit Faunus throwing herself into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her taking a step back as he managed not to fall over.

The other quickly caught up with Lye, Cinnamon looked frantically between the girl and Van for some kind of explanation.

Van felt same bitterness from when they had first seen Nava again, crawling up the back of his throat. A stark contrast to the cheerful aura from Lye and Jae.

"What are you doing here?" She asked pulling away from the embrace.

"I assume for the same reason you are." He responded gaze glancing away from Lye to the others around them.

"Mind introducing us to your little friend here?" Leo spoke up, cocking his head to the side as he looked over the four new faces.

"Lye and Van Marigold...." Opal muttered to herself, her gaze rolling over the twins. Her comment almost went unnoticed, almost. Van's eyes flicked to the women, he didn't recognize her yet she recognized them.

"This is Lye, we were on the same team at Beacon." Jae looked to Van. "And that is Van, he was our team leader." There was a tentive pause. "Its good to see you're well."

"Wish I could say the same." The response was blunt surprising Lye as well as Kash and Russ, there was an obvious tension as the pairs eyes met. Jae didn't appear to waver, almost as if he was expecting that reply.

Feeling the rising tension, Cinnamon spoke up. "Why don't we hurry to the briefing." Her ears shifted as she gestured for them to continue down the hall.

The two groups walked some of the tension dissipating as idle introductions were exchanged between the group, mainly through Lye, Jae, and Cherry.

"I thought there was only one group scheduled for the day." Slate commented not sparing a glance at Cinnamon.

"Well..." Cinnamon began, but paused trying to figure out an explanation.

"No need to worry, all our paperwork is in order and has already been handled through Cinnamon. Shes a pretty hard worker if you ask me." Van answer for her, patting her shoulder casually.

"Ri-right, I'm sorry I didn't let you know ahead of time."

Slate gave a small hum in response, he knew how bad of a last she was, but now wasn't the time to cause a scene he made the choice to trust her.

------

The meeting room was just as ornate as the rest of the building. Both groups opted to stand at opposite sides of the table, Leo stood back leaning against the wall. A work habit, it gave him the best view of the whole room and everyone in it.

"All the information from todays briefing will be sent to your scrolls upon them being set on the table." Slate mentioned, giving them a moment to do so before beginning the presentation.

There was a general overview of the sequence of event from the gala to the attack. The victims missing and access to any of the cameras around the estate. They went over the main pieces of footage.

Both Russet and Kashmere felt a sense of confusion wash over them upon seeing an array of White Fang mask. It's not like there had never been missions like what happened that night, but something didn't sit right. It felt off.

After the presentation the group were led to different areas that were shown in the footage they had reviewed.

As they were looking around the main ballroom, Jae noticed that they were down one rabbit Faunus. He quickly slipped out of the room just in time to see a flash of white slip around the corner, he followed after making an effort to remain quiet. Peeking around a corner he watched as Van slipped outside onto a balcony. He moved the curtain in time to see Van pick something up from the ground and slip it into his pocket.

"What was that?" Jae asked opening the door to the balcony.

"What was what?" Van responded turning to him casually.

"You put it into your pocket." He shifted as Van tried to step past him.

"A pebble, you satisfied?"

I"With the current situation, I'm not."

"What, you think that because the White Fang might be involved that I'm somehow involved in this? That I'm running amok crashing some uppercrust party?"

Jae pursed his lips, not because of Van sharp tone, but because that is what he was thinking. He didn't want to admit it, but upon seeing the White Fang was involved and Van's sudden appearance caused the thought the surface in his head.

"Show me." He stood his ground, not wavering under the piercing gaze of the rabbit.

"What's happening here?" Cherry voice came from behind Jae as the rest of the group caught up with them.

"He slipped off." Jae responded not breaking his gaze from Van. "I wanted to see why."

"Van? What is it?" Lye's brows quirked, maybe he had found something that could help.

With the gazes focused on him, Van sighed and pulled out the cigarette bud from his pocket. His cigarette from the night before.

Opal perked up. "That was on the balcony? There could still be traces of DNA left on it fr-" She was cut off as Van spoke up.

"No point, its not from any of the perpetrators."

"You don't mean..." Lye knew the cigarette looked familiar and she knew Nava didn't smoke and doubted to guest from last night smoked that brand.

"Its mine, I was here last night. Before you start pointing fingers, I left before all that shit went down." Van shoved his hands back in his pockets. "Check your cameras if you doubt me."

Russet opened the other door to the balcony stepping out along with Kash, he took a look around. His gaze shifted to Slate and Cinnamon faces that paled at the mention of cameras. "They can't." He commented, the groups attention shifting to him. "This balcony is a blind spot isn't it?"

"That would explain how this was missed, unless cracked panels are a Mistrali aesthetic." Kash pointed out tracing his finger over the crack in the wall, his finger caught something. Taking hold he pulled a piece of brunette hair from the crack. "Was this here last night?" He asked looking to Van.

"No, that's new." Van responded, still processing the new information of the balcony being a blindspot.

"She was taken from here, that's why there was no footage of her."

"We-we're still going through it, we ass-assumed you would find something when you went through it." Cinnamon explained, everything was happening so fast that she could hardly keep track.

"Send me the list of the estates blind spots immediately, that is critical information." Opal order as Slate quickly pulled out his tablet to do so.

"Satisfied?" Van spoke directly to Jae, shoulder checking him as he walked past into the hall.

------

The rest of the walkthrough went rather calmly, despite the underlying tension. There was far less chatter compared to when the two groups first met. The groups were led to a back exit to avoid and unwanted attention bu leaving through the front.

"We will provide any other information as we receive it, if you have any other question please feel free to contact me at any time." Slate informed with a polite bow, very formal and straightforward as expected.

Cinnamon gave a bit of a strained smile to the younger of the two groups, paired with a small nod. She didn't say anything, the four Faunus seemed to understand what she meant.

The two groups began to walk drifting their sepparate ways, until Leo halted suddenly his attention having been occupied by something on his scroll.

"Y'know you kids shouldn't be meddlin' with adult business." He commented turning to the group of young hunters, he held up his scroll which displayed Van's student ID.

"They offer jobs like this to fourth years, we're practically about to graduate." Van replied a lazy smirk cross his lips as he turned to face the older man.

"Theres no information on your other friends."

"Students records can't be transferred across continents right now, we go to Shade."

"Yet yours and your sisters came up no problem."

"Says Beacon? Old records my guess."

"So if I were to bring this to light you have no worries?" He pressed with a slight tilt of his head.

"Nothing to worry about."

"You bluff well, but..."

"But?" He repeated maintaining his confidence.

"She doesn't." Despite there only being one person Leo could be talking about Van's gaze follows where hes pointing to the paled expression on his sisters face.

"Leo, leave the kids alone."

"Hey, I'm trying to help us out here. Less competition, though you'd appreciate it."

"Or less competition and new allies." Tarragon spoke up from the back of the group.

"What?" Jae was audibly surprised, brows furrowed as she walked past him. She walked passed and brushed Leo to the side from where he was sizing up Van.

"Allies are always good to have, especially in something like this where information is limited. Theres a chance the White Fang could be involved or that those apart of it are being coaxed in it, but as you can see none of us are Faunus." She gestures behind her to Leo, Opal, and Jae.

"Ah so, you want to use us to get information?"

"No, not use. I'd actually like to partner up." She smiled, a genuine smile. Feeling his uneasiness she decided to continue. "I actually saw your teams work at the Vytal festival, I guess you could consider me a fan." She glanced over to Lye.

"If we were to partner with you, you would just let us help find Nava without reporting our situation?" Lye's ears began to lower towards her head, Tarragin felt very maternal that it made Lye comfortable and she didn't quite know if she should trust it or not.

"I can sign you lot off as my students, it's what I'm doing for Jae." Another pause. "I can do it right away if they will make you feel better." She offered her hand.

Everything Van was reading from her told him she wasn't lying to him, after so long of no one ever being so genuine with him he felt a bit thrown off. He looked over his shoulder to the others.

"We'll follow your lead." Russ stated as Kash gave a nod in agreement.

His gaze fell to Lye who had brought her hand up to grasp the top button of her blouse, she was trying to ground herself. The mention of the Vytal festival was the likely cause, she met Van's gaze and gave a nod.

"We're in your care then." He turned back to Tarragon and shook her hand, she had a much firmer hand shake than he expected.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

What a fucking letdown of a finale.

Killing Jac is a decision that’s just stupid beyond words. By far Holby’s most iconic character and this is how they fucking treat her? Everything they’ve put Rosie through for the show and they can’t even give her character the happy ending she’s always been asking for? It’s infuriating.

I would go so far as to say Holby, under its last producers, appears to have an obsession with killing traumatised female characters, specifically abuse survivors, instead of letting them have happy endings. They started small, with Carole. Then they immediately moved on to Jac.

Compare Jac and Henrik. Two characters who have both led very sad, tragic lives. Both traumatised. Both chronically mentally ill. Both coded as bisexual. But Henrik gets to come out and gets a happy ending, if a very confusing one. Jac just ended up dead.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘m’ and ending with ‘isogyny’. Fuck this show.

And they didn’t even let her last past the first, like, 10 minutes of the episode. Yikes.

I can’t say anything more about Jac because I’ll get too upset for words if I do, but... she deserved better. That’s it. That’s all I can say.

As for Henrik. My darling, darling Henrik. He deserves a tribute post for everything he’s done over the years, but I don’t have the words to write him one just yet, so here’s what I can say about him in the finale: I’m glad the last thing I ever get to remember Henrik Hanssen for is him smiling at the man he loves. I’m glad we got that. I am grateful beyond words for it, I truly am.

But they just wasted so much time with Henruss. The Billie pregnancy plot, shipping Russ off to Leeds. I wish I could appreciate this ending for them more, but I’m just so disappointed in what their storyline became. Henrik’s internalised homophobia was glossed over. Russ’s grief was glossed over. We didn’t get a single mention of Gaskell, Henrik’s first ever male love interest, and how that trauma would surely have affected Henrik’s relationships - especially with men.

And we don’t even get to know what Henrik’s actually doing now? Has he quit Holby and is he gonna move to Leeds, will he stay at Holby and go long-distance with Russ, or what? I dearly hope Casualty will tell us. And I dearly hope he’s quit, or at least quit the CEO job, because there’s no happy ending for him if he’s still in that role.

Guy Henry was amazing throughout this episode, though. I have no words for his performance.

Everyone’s acting was amazing, really. Bob Barrett, Paul Bradley, Belinda Owusu... a lot of great performances in this episode.

And I did like that little moment with Henrik and Lexy complaining about the government. Gotta give Holby credit for that.

The little scene with Henrik and Mo was excellent, too. Even if it did make me cry.

The rest of the cameos, though... I wasn’t expecting much, but somehow Joseph only being there for 2 seconds in person was worse than if he was a vision Jac had. The Berena cameo was alright, nothing much.

I did actually love Ric’s cameo, though. It was short, but sweet. It’s nice to have the last thing we remember of him be him being busy at work, still saving lives.

And the montage of cast photos at the end was lovely. A better tribute to the show, I felt, than the episode itself was.

The stuff with Ken, and Dom and Josh and Ange, was alright, but didn’t feel like finale material.

I’m trying to find more to say. I wish I had more to say. But I just can’t, it seems. All I can say is I’ll miss Henrik Hanssen, and Jac Naylor, and all the other wonderful characters. I won’t miss the show.

[our-smooty]

5/7

Fandom: Gorillaz

Rating: Teen

Relationships: 2Russ

Tags: Murdoc being an asshole, Hurt/Comfort, Developing Relationship Cute, Snuggling

Summary: Russel is stuck in the 5th stage of grieving, Depression. 2D is having a bad time in the romance department. Maybe they can help each other out more than they thought.

Russel was woken from his nap by loud shouting. That wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary; on the contrary, it seemed like someone--Murdoc--was always shouting in the halls of Kong. The reason Russel was concerned this time was that 2D was shouting as well and that never boded well for the harmony of the band. Murdoc didn’t take well to what he perceived to be challenges to his authority, and it sounded like that was exactly what he was doing. So Russel groaned, pulled on a shirt, and left his room to go break up their fight.

“You always do this!” 2D was standing in the living room, a ways away from Murdoc who was standing over by the bar. The bassist was definitely drunk, but no more than he usually was on a Monday afternoon, and scowling something fierce in 2D’s direction. The singer was fully dressed while Murdoc was only wearing boxers and his upside down cross. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on.

“She was a slag anyway,” Murdoc answered, waving a hand. “Did you a favour, really.”

“Don’t you say that about her! S-she was a nice girl and I--” Murdoc cackled. Russel felt the hairs on the back of his neck go up and he wasn’t even involved.

“She was a slut, jus’ like the rest of them. S’not surprisin’ that’s the only type of girl y’can get to sleep with you.”

Russel watched 2D shift from foot to foot self-consciously. Murdoc always was good at finding exactly the right buttons to press to make it hurt the most. Russel didn’t have too much experience on the other end since Murdoc was too scared he’d break his nose for the 9th time, but he’d seen the man in action enough to know.

“What’d you m-mean?” 2D stuttered. Russel was pretty sure he hadn’t seen him yet, even though the drummer was standing in the doorway. Murdoc grinned.

“Well I mean, jus’ look at you. You might have a pretty face, but then there’s the rest of you….” The bassist gestured to 2D’s chest and arms. “Birds like a man with a bit of muscle; s’why they always come crawlin’ back to me. Did you know I didn’t even come on to that tart? She came to me, practically gagging for it--”

Russel had heard enough. From the doorway, he cleared his throat, cutting Murdoc off mid-tirade. The bassist clammed up immediately at the sign of Russel, posture relaxed but looming.

“That’s enough, Murdoc,” Russel said simply as he walked over to 2D. He hadn’t said anything yet, but his posture was telling, all caved in and defensive. It made Russel’s chest ache. “Go the fuck back to your nasty-ass trailer.”

Murdoc looked like he wanted to argue, but he didn’t. Instead, he grabbed the bottle he’d been pouring himself drinks from and stalked off, murmuring under his breath. Russel watched him go until he rounded the corner, then turned to 2D.

“You alright man?” Stu didn’t react, his gaze trained into the distance where Murdoc had walked off to. Russel put a hand on the singer’s shoulder--it was boney and cold--and he jumped at least a foot in the air. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“N-no, it’s fine,” 2D answered, glancing around the room. “Did Murdoc leave?”

“Yeah.” He must have been really spaced out. “I told him to fuck off. You doin’ OK?”

Russel watched as 2D put on a fake smile and shrugged. The singer had been doing that a lot since coming back, trying to push through the bullshit. “Oh, y-yeah, I’m good. I know Murdoc’s jus’ an asshole.”

He wasn’t sure what to do. Stu was obviously upset and trying to hide it like he often did. He was sensitive, despite his new cocky attitude and switchblades. Murdoc took advantage of that a lot and had been really trying to put him back in his place. Russel wasn’t sure which was better, going back to the old status quo or having 2D finally stand up for himself.

“He is. You know everythin’ he says is bullshit, right?” 2D shrugged again and walked over to the bar, taking Murdoc’s previous seat. Russel followed him, knowing how forgetful 2D could be about mixing alcohol and his medication.

“He’s righ’ though.” Russel moved the nearest bottle of alcohol further away. “If those girls really liked me they wouldn’t go to him…”

“He’s always goin’ on about making deals with the devil, I wouldn’t put it past him to have some sort of chick-magnet power or something,” Russel said in a weak attempt to cheer the singer up. 2D looked up at him with those big, dark eyes. So open and trusting, even after everything that had happened.

“You think so? Thanks, Russ,” the singer replied, voice watery and slightly insincere. Russel shifted side to side awkwardly, unsure of what he was supposed to do now, the niggling instinct to hug the smaller man everpresent. He’d broken up the fight, but now he was worried about what 2D might do in his current mode.

“D’you wanna watch a movie or somethin’? Murdoc said the cable was workin’ again after last time…” Last time when the bassist had tossed a shoe at the TV and broken not only the screen but also the cable box. 2D sniffled trying to hide his tears. Russel didn’t know how else to help.

“I dunno, I might jus’ go to my room. I can feel a headache comin’ on, I think.” Russel nodded and put his hand on the singer’s shoulder again, making sure he saw him this time.

“OK, I’ll be around if you need me.” He gave the other’s shoulder a quick squeeze, then let go and wandered back to his bedroom. 2D waved to him with a slight smile. Russel hoped that was a good sign. He smiled back then headed to his bedroom back down the hall.

Back in his room, the light still off, Russel sat on the bed. It was getting late in the afternoon, he really shouldn't keep sleeping the whole day away like this. Only coming out for practice, or for food. Or when a fight broke out. Otherwise, he was in here, sleeping or watching TV on the screen above his bed. His taxidermy projects lay mostly untouched since he returned, gathering dust on the desk. Things just hadn’t been the same since… well, since he came back alone. He didn’t want to think about it. So another nap then. Maybe he’d sleep through the night and into the morning.

Throwing off his shirt again and getting into the bed made his joints ache. He’d been spending too much time sitting around but it was the only thing he could do right now. Without Del, without his soulmate, nothing held any spark like it used to. Sleeping was the best and easiest option. But he’d been napping all day, not to mention last night, and he just couldn’t fall asleep. He tossed and turned for at least 30 minutes before giving up and turning on the TV. He idly stared at the screen, not really caring what was on. Even when the room began to get dark as the sun went down Russel couldn’t be bothered to get up and turn the light on. He wished he wasn’t alone.

Hours passed, and he must have dozed off at one point because when he was awoken by a soft knocking at his door, the room was pitch black. The drummer blinked tiredly as he sat up and stumbled over to the door. It was most likely Noodle coming to check up on him as she so often did since he’d gotten back. She was really a lot more perceptive than any of them gave her credit for. Instead, he was surprised to see 2D standing there, still just as hunched up and defeated as he’d been when Russel had last seen him.

“Hey Russ,” the singer said, looking at the floor. Russel opened the door further and crossed his arms, still drowsy.

“Hey D, what’s up?” 2D was staring at the ground, arms clasped in front of him. Russel could tell he’d been crying based on the redness of the singer’s cheeks and how mussed-up his hair was. It was a sad sight, and the drummer felt bad for not trying to comfort him more earlier.

2D looked up briefly, then back down. “Uh, nothin’. Jus’ wanted to see if you still wanted to watch somethin’ with me?” Russel noted the way the singer cringed at his own hoarse voice.

“Sure, I was just about to put something on. Come in.” Russel didn’t often let the others inside his room, but with 2D looking so fragile he figured it would be for the best. Murdoc could still be out there, skulking about and ready to cause trouble. The drummer moved aside and gestured for 2D to come in. The singer did so slowly and unsurely, probably realizing this was the first time he’d been in Russel’s room since they all got back together.

“Were you sleepin’?” he asks, sitting at the foot of the bed and looking over the drummer’s DVD collection. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

After throwing his shirt back on Russel sat as well, leaving a few inches between him and the singer. “No, I’ve been awake. Could use a distraction.”

“Is somethin’ wrong?” Damn, he’d forgotten that 2D could be perceptive when he wanted to be as well. No one ever gave much thought to 2D, and he was often written-off as a singing savant, incapable of anything else. But in reality, the singer was kind and a good friend, and a little bit of a troublemaker, in the right setting.

Russel took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “I’ve been thinkin’ about Del a lot…” He didn't’ need to say more. 2D understood. When Russel had come back to Kong looking half-dead and then spent a full week locked in his room, they’d all assumed something went bad. Later he’d explained about Del, about the exorcism, and that had been that.

“I’m sorry Russ, I know he was important to you,” 2D said, turning to face him. “You and him were… ah…”

“We were soulmates, yeah.” Just talking about it hurt so bad. It was a wound that would never heal or scab over, no matter how much time passed.

2D popped in a DVD and then shuffled back to rest against the wall, his long legs dangling over the edge of the bed. “Shit Russ, I-I didn’t know you two were--” The singer made an awkward motion with his hands, but luckily Russel understood.

“Yeah… since back in high school. He was…” Russel didn’t know what else to say. He felt his throat beginning to close up and his eyes start to sting. Embarrassed, he turned away from 2D to hide his reaction.

“He talked about you a lot, you know,” 2D said out of the blue. Russel snapped his head over to the singer, eyes wide and very alert.

“He did?” He knew Del came out when he was asleep, but not that he’d talked with the band much outside practises. Sure, he’d been especially fond of Noodle, offering to play video games with her when Russel was napping on the sofa, but that was all Russel thought it’d been. “What’d he say?”

“Oh, lotsa stuff. Like how you first met, or what you were like in secondary school. He liked to tell me abou’ you the most.” Russel continued to stare in shock at 2D continued. “It was kinda funny, really, how he’d go on and on abou’ you.”

Russel felt himself begin to sweat, an ugly churning starting in his belly. “He never told me.”

2D threw his hands up. “Oh, it wasn’t an everyday thing. Maybe jus’ a few times. He really loved you, I think.” The drummer sat, speechless for a few seconds before 2D seemed to notice. “O-oh, I shouldn’ta been talkin’ about him. I probably made you upset,” 2D stuttered, waving his hands like he was waving away a bad smell. It was kind of adorable, how he panicked. “Sorry, I don’t always think before I say things.”

Russel cleared his throat before answering. “It’s OK, it’s kinda nice actually. Talkin’ about him to someone who knew him.” He stared down at his hands, the TV forgotten. “Sometimes it’s like he never existed, then I remember…”

Suddenly 2D was much closer than before, pressing up against Russel’s side and leaning his head on the drummer’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Russ. I didn’t know him that well but he was a good guy and a great rapper.”

Russel felt his eyes begin to water and his throat closing. He never cried unless it was about Del, and even then he always did that in private. But 2D was right there, being so open and honest and completely unlike anyone else Russel knew. The singer was a special breed, unflinchingly real at all times. It was refreshing.

“Thank D, I mean it.” Beside him 2D blushed and scratched the back of his head, leaning away from Russel again. Russel missed the other’s warmth almost immediately. How long had it been since he’d been close with another person?

“Y-yeah, well. You’re my mate Russ.” 2D shot him a shaky smile, one of his real ones and not the fake kind from earlier. He remembered the way 2D had looked when he’d answered the door and felt a pang of worry.

“You too, man. You’re a good friend.” 2D laughed and punched Russel in the shoulder, barely hard enough for the drummer to even feel it. Russel knew 2D was stronger than that but probably didn’t want to startle him too badly. “You good after that shit with Murdoc this morning?”

The effect on 2D was immediate. His eyes widened, then began to dart around the room while his arms came up to wrap around himself. “I-I guess. He jus’ does this every time. Blokes, birds, it doesn’t matter. They all want him more than me…”

So he was still upset. Russel nudged his shoulder against the singer, jostling him enough that he had to look up. “D, Murdoc is nasty. If those guys and girls all went to him instead they’ve got a problem, not you.”

2D sniffled a little and wiped his eye with the corner of hs sleeve. “I know, but it still hurts…”

Russel knew 2D was a physical type of person, and even though he wasn’t personally he decided to put aside his usual misgivings and wrap an arm around the singer’s shoulders. 2D immediately turned toward him and reciprocated the hold, throwing his arms around the drummer's shoulders and leaning in. Russel stiffened for just a second before relaxing again; the other man was surprisingly warm, if not a little bit pointy in the elbows. While 2D sniffled and burrowed his face into Russel’s t-shirt, the drummer rubbed his back, silently enjoying being close to someone living for once.

“S-sorry,” 2D said, wiping his eyes on his sleeve again and moving to let go of Russel. “Fuck, I-I got your shirt all wet.”

Russel shrugged. “It’s fine, really, D. You, uh, you been holdin’ that in for a while?” The singer shrugged noncommittally, rubbing his temples with long fingers.

“I think so. Probably since Paula.” They never did really talk about the Paula Incident. Russel had broken Murdoc’s nose and 2D had eventually moved on, or so he’d thought. He probably should have checked in with the singer more often, but he’d been so busy with the album, and then Del; he’d just never had the time. Or the energy, since coming back. The familiar sourness of guilt coiled in the drummers gut as he watched 2D calm down. He could have been a much better friend to the man.

“You coulda said somethin’.” Did that sound judgy? Why was Russel suddenly getting to worked up over this? Was it the weird, half-hug they were lingering in, or the distractingly loud commercials playing on the TV? “No, I mean, I shoulda asked.”

2D watched as Russel stumbled over himself, making the drummer even more flustered. It had to be the lack of sleep making him act weird, Russel justified as he tried to chill out. Still, 2D was staring at him with a strange sort of blank expression on his face. It made Russel squirm.

“What?” he asked, thinking that maybe the singer had just spaced out again.

“Nothin’. Jus’... I’m glad to know you, Russ. You’re a good guy,” 2D said simply. Like he wasn’t being incredibly--and slightly uncomfortably--bare and honest right then. That was just how the singer was, but Russel had forgotten in their time apart.

He’s not sure if he’s supposed to thank 2D for saying that so he stays quiet, silently appraising the younger man. Sometimes while Russel had been freaking out they’d gotten even closer, barely a rulers width between them. It occurred to him that it would take barely any effort to close the gap and press his lips to 2D’s. To Russel’s sleep-deprived brain, that sounded like a good way to thank the singer. He didn’t even think that maybe it would be a little out of left field, he just went for it.

A few seconds of soft lips against his, then Russel came to his senses. Holy shit, he hadn’t thought this through at all. 2D probably wasn't interested in him, not to mention Russel wasn’t sure if he was either. It had just kind of… happened. He was about to pull away and apologize profusely when he felt the barest of movement from 2D, just a slight twitch of the lips and a hand landing softly on his knee. Was 2D kissing him back?

Russel steeled himself and leaned in, deepening the kiss by placing one of his hands on 2D’s back and pressing him forward. The singer let out a barely-there gasp but it must have been a sign of happiness because then he shyly peaked his tongue out to swipe over Russel’s bottom lip. It felt like electric sparks travelling out from the places where they touched, and Russel obediently opened his mouth to give 2D more space. They were really making out now, hands pulling and grabbing without any real plan. Russel felt himself start to get carried away in the moment and forced himself to slow down, separating their bodies enough that he could breathe again.

“Shit,” he growled, still panting from their kisses. “I didn’t mean to--”

But apparently, 2D didn’t care. “Why’d you stop?” he whined, shimmying even closer. “Don’t wanna stop Russ.”

And oh it’d be so easy to give in to the singer right then wit his big doe eyes and pouty lips but Russel neede to make sure. “This isn’t some way to get back at Murdoc, is it? Or a rebound, cause I don’t think I can deal with the shit D.” Nevermind the fact that part of Russel’s brain was screaming that he was betraying Del, just like it always did whenever he met someone new, despite the fact Del had told him he wanted him to be happy. It was a little less with 2D, and Russel hoped that was a good sign.

“Murdoc? No! I-I jus’--you’re always so nice t’me, to everyone.” Russel felt his hopes drop.

“You don’t owe me anythin’ for being nice 2D,” he murmured, wanting to let the younger down softly. “You just think you do 'cause of everthin’ that’s happened.”

That must have been the wrong thing to say, because 2D shot back, looking Russel dead in the eye with an angry expression. “Don’t tell me what to think! E-everybody does that and--well I like you, Russ! Even before today!”

Well, that was a bit of a surprise. Russel couldn’t think of a single time when he could have been suspicious. Probably because he spent most of his time in a haze of depression and exhaustion. It wouldn’t have been hard for him to miss things, which is apparently exactly the case.

“Oh.” Now what? Russel’s brain was working rapidly trying to figure out where they were supposed to go from here. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you your own business. I just--I don’t really know what’s goin’ on here.”

2D looked confused as well before a warm smile broke out on his face. “Well, we were watchin’ TV, and then we kissed a little. We can forget abou’ the cryin’ bit, if you wanna.” He winked and Russel couldn’t help but respond a small, nervous laugh.

“That’s not exactly what I was talkin’ about.” 2D giggled and laid his head on Russel’s shoulder. The drummer could feel his heart hammering in his chest at just that gentle contact. Maybe it was fine though, they could talk about whatever this was later and just relax for a bit. When was the last time he’d actually enjoyed the fact he had nothing to do? “Fine, we can keep watchin’ the movie and talk later.”

“Can we restart it? Somebody made me miss most of the first half,” 2D teased, already getting up to reset the DVD. Russel laughed, honest to goodness laughed at the singer’s innocent request.

“Of course D, anythin’ you want. Maybe I could go get some snacks?” God, he felt so much lighter than he had in ages. 2D nodded his enthusiastic agreement so Russel pulled himself up off the bed and headed for the kitchen. He passed a very drunk, very cross Murdoc in the hall but didn’t even give him a second thought. For once he was feeling a little bit like he used to, and he wasn’t going to let Murdoc of all people ruin that.

Snacks procured, Russel went back to the bedroom where he noticed the lights were out. Stepping inside he saw 2D getting comfy under the bedsheets, piling up pillows and snuggling in. The drummer set the snacks on the bed and joined in, this time not hesitating when their shoulders touched. In fact, Russel was feeling so bold that as he got settled he threw an arm around the back on 2D’s shoulders. The singer took the bait and shuffled closer, just like they had been before the kiss. To anyone outside it probably looked a little weird, the two bandmates cuddling like lovers, but to Russel, it was the start of something new and exciting. He just hoped Del was happy with him, wherever he was.

[supposed2bfunny]

At Times it is Sweet

Birthday fic for Russel!!!

Rating: T

Warnings: Mentions of drug and alcohol use, depression, violence, character depth, the usual Russel stuff. Feel free to ask me to tag anything!

Brooklyn, 1980

The sound of ten feet slapping their way over the creaky floors of the Hobbs’s railroad apartment is nearly deafening. Typically he’d be in a lot of trouble for running in the house, but Russel is pleased to find that he and his four friends are off the hook since it’s his birthday.

“Red Power Ranger go!” he shouts, whipping around the corner, hurtling himself down the basement steps into the den, which is family reverently refers to as the ‘Music Room’ due to the keyboard, the several guitars hung up on the wall, and his father’s beloved collection of vinyl, complete with his 1967 Pioneer that still plays as smoothly as it did when his father was a boy.

“Green Power Ranger, go!”

“Blue Power Ranger, go!”

“Black Power Ranger, go!”

“Silver Power Ranger, go!”

His friends traipse down the stairs after him, and Russel sets his juice box down on the coffee table to assess the room for any bad guys, any imminent danger that they’ll have to fight using their powers, just like in the show.

“Russel,” his mother’s voice comes downstairs. “Daddy doesn’t want you down there with your friends. Come upstairs and we can do cake!”

His friends look at him, torn between the desire to stay in the cool basement, to admire the vintage band posters and shiny instruments, and the desire to go upstairs and imbibe more sugar.

Not one to disrespect his mother, Russel nods. “Okay, guys, we can go back upstairs. But later we have to check the backyard to make sure there aren’t any bad guys.”

Again the apartment is filled with the cacophony of tiny feet on wooden stairs, and as he makes his way up, Russel glances over his shoulder at the Hi-C juice box sitting on the table without a coaster.

His lone act of defiance, he thinks, filling a thrill. Five is going to be a good year.

Brooklyn, 1992

“Okay, big boy, I need you to keep those eyes shut tight and take a bite of this and tell me what you taste.” The excitement in Del’s smooth voice is palpable, and it brushes up against the underside of Russel’s nerves in the most delicious way.

He obeys his friend’s orders, keeping his eyes closed as he takes a forkful of whatever Del has placed in front of him. They’re in a diner, so, vast though the menu may be, he’s fairly certain that whatever he’s about to taste is in fact food, and not some sick trick that his prankster of a friend has concocted.

He always gives Del the benefit of the doubt.

Even though they’re currently all the way under the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, somewhere in south Williamsburg where there seem to be more bars than streetlamps and more drunken, stumbling college students than bars. Every few minutes the sound of a taxi can be heard blaring as someone stumbles out into the crosswalk without looking both ways.

It’s bustling and messy and not at all Russel’s scene. But hey, this diner is playing some Curtis Mayfield, so it’s not all bad. The fries were nothing great, sure, but he enjoyed his turkey club and Del shared his fried shrimp basket. And Del has laughed—not chuckled, but full-body, shoulders back, head heavenfacing, knees wobbling apart as he shakes with mirth laughed—three whole times in the course of the meal.

So he’ll do whatever Del wants to keep the night rolling.

He opens his mouth and it’s soft and sweet and creamy.

“Mm.”

“You taste that, Russ?”

“Yeah,” he says around a tongueful of icing.

“You know what that is?”

“Cake?”

“No shit, Sherlock, really taste it.”

“Mm. Oh! This is,” Russel opens his eyes, just a tad surprised to find Del’s eyes immediately locking on his own, intense and somehow feeling closer than a plastic table apart.

“Real buttercream icing!” he practically shouts. Del has a tendency to shout in diners. He has a tendency to shout most of the time. “It’s not that Crisco shit you get at most places, baby! My buddy works at a print shop in Williamsburg, and he comes around here sometimes after hitting up the bars on weekends. He told me the owner’s wife, she makes these cakes herself every day. That’s homemade, only diner left in Brooklyn that can still claim that!”

Russel is having a hard time swallowing while laughing, but he finally manages. “You’re unbelievable. I can’t believe you dragged me all the way out here for this.”

Del raises a brow. “You saying it’s not delicious?”

Something about the way he tilts his head to look at Russel through his eyelashes, at the way he brushes his dreads back off his broad shoulders as he speaks, something about the way Del’s personality radiates from their cramped booth into every crevice of the sleepy diner makes Russel’s chest constrict slightly in that moment.

“It’s the best cake I’ve ever had,” he says earnestly.

And Del is smiling again, drumming his fists on the table in glee. “Should I order some milk, birthday boy?”

Essex, 1997

When Murdoc passes him the blunt, he takes a hit without hesitation, only to find his eyes watering and his lungs burning as though he just inhaled a mouthful of acetone.

“The fuck is that?” he coughs and his head swims, oh, does his head swim.

Murdoc cackles. “Mate, I don’t ask questions, I just tell my guy to give me whatever the kids are smoking these days. Y’know, when I was a lad, weed was weed. They didn’t mix any synthetic shit in there, and it mellowed you out good.”

“When you were a lad?” Paula scoffs, plopping down into 2D’s lap, a beer in each hand, “when was that, the 1920s?”

“You should talk, Cracker,” he snaps, leering at her. “Your tits are sagging like you’ve already nursed a few tykes.”

“Hey, hey,” 2D wraps a protective arm around Paula’s waist, taking the beer she offers him and knocking back half the bottle in a gulp. “Eyes off my girlfriend, Murdoc. Paula, don’t pick on Muds, okay?”

She snorts and Murdoc grunts, putting his boots up on the coffee table, legs crossed daintily at the ankle.

“So you’re not going to get high with me, Russ. Well, what can we do then to make it a good day for you?”

Despite Murdoc’s less than enthusiastic tone, Russel is secretly touched that all three of his bandmates have made such a fuss about him today. He’s never been good at running the show though, and he doesn’t really have any wild expectations. England still doesn’t feel like home to him, and compared to the proximity of Brooklyn and Manhattan, getting to the bustle of London from Essex feels like a voyage that his friends’ attention spans simply couldn’t hold up to.

Clubbing! Del’s voice suggests somewhere in the back of his mind. See what kind of dance music these tea-drinking limeys like so we can toss it into the album!

“Honestly, just having drinks with you all is enough for me,” he answers demurely, and he can feel Del deflate in his brain. It’s fine; as soon as the conversation shifts, his ghostly friend’s voice will be there again. Del can never stay silent for long. “Okay, actually, here’s my birthday wish: I think we should play ‘It’s Coming On’” at the gig we have this Friday.”

“Absolutely not,” Murdoc snaps. “Can’t you just ask to go to a club or something instead?”

“Why not?” Paula challenges the bassist instantly, and 2D’s brows furrow together and he reaches over his girlfriend’s lap for the painkillers he always keeps nearby. “It’s a good song, it’s not too hard to play. We’ve got most of the lyrics ironed out.”

“Because a major component of the song is Russel’s haunted head! We don’t know how to control when he pops out: what if we go to play and he doesn’t show up? That’s two minutes faceache’ll have to improvise, and the kid can’t even tie his shoe laces.”

“Your fault,” the singer mumbles around a few pills, though he doesn’t look Murdoc in the eye when he says it.

“Del will come out,” Russel says firmly. He can feel rather than hear the excitement bubbling in the corners of his mind. Del is pleased. “He pops out at random sometimes, sure, but he’s never not come up during rehearsal when we need him. We go out on a stage, I guarantee he’ll be there to drop bars so hot your ears’ll burn.”

“Not sure that sounds the least bit pleasant,” Murdoc replies. “Gotta work on your pitch, big boy.”

“Here’s a thought though,” Paula cuts in, “what if Ghost Man pops out and we can’t get him to er, go back in? We’ll have no drummer for the rest of the show.”

“We could end with the song.”

“That’s still banking on him coming out when we need him to,” Murdoc insists. “If he doesn’t show, our grand finally looks rubbish. Russel, you’re great, and your spiritual possession makes you a bloody amazing musician, mate. Plus, I love the aesthetic of having a haunted bloke in my band, really. But it’s my band. I’m not jeopardizing our first gig that isn’t pure shit to satisfy your ego trip.”

“What if we can learn to control Del before the gig?” 2D asks.

“Who?”

“Del,” Russel repeats. “It’s his name. I’ve told you this, Murdoc. And 2D’s got a point. What if we can figure out to how control his comings and goings before the gig, would you give it a shot then? I really think ‘Coming On’ is one of the strongest songs we’ve got right now.”

Murdoc takes another hit, and, having tasted and felt what he’s smoking, it distresses Russel just slightly how his eyes don’t water the least bit, how completely unaffected he seems by the powerful stuff. “Might be worth a shot…”

“Then I can play the melodica!” 2D pipes up happily, jostling Paula slightly.

She slides off his lap to sit beside him. “One week for the four of us to tame a ghost. Brill.”

Beaming, Russel reaches for another beer. Trying to hack his own mysterious possession can wait until he’s a little more tipsy.

“Oi, a toast to the birthday boy!” 2D says, leaning forward and holding up his bottle.

“To Russel!” Paula agrees cheerfully.

“To the bloody best drummer in all of Essex!” Murdoc croaks, holding up his half-drunk bottle of whiskey.

“And hey, to the band,” Russel says, clinking his bottle against three more. “The future is coming on!”

“Ha! Good one Russ,” 2D beams.

Murdoc finds the joke so hilarious that he collapses back into his chair in a fit of giggles. Maybe he’s feeling the effects of all that weed after all.

Pacific Ocean, 2010

He doesn’t think much anymore. It’s not a sharp pain like when his hand split open on glass after Del was shot to death in his car. It’s more of a prickly presence, like sunburn.

Burning. His skin is probably burning in the sun. He could go underwater to hide from the sun; the water is cool and inviting as he floats along on his back. Then he won’t burn.

But it’s so dark below the surface, and if he can’t see, and if sound is muffled by water in his ears, and if every inch of his skin is covered in the same film of saltwater carrying him somewhere south of Argentina, somewhere light pollution ceases to be a concern, somewhere land ceases to be, then what will he feel?

And if he can’t feel, he might have to think.

No, today he will not die. Because a seagull found him where he was hiding in the United States, rotting himself from the inside out on sleepers, and the bird told him that Noodle was alive, that he just had to jump into the ocean, and he could save her.

No sign of Noodle, but that doesn’t mean he won’t run into her. Perhaps she’ll be floating along, sunburned and sleepy too.

He doesn’t think much, so he tries to focus on feeling. In the past day or so, he has begun to go numb save for the sensation of heat on his skin and water on his back. Instead of swallowing saltwater until he sinks to the bottom, he decides to focus on how he feels inside rather than outside, and comes up blank.

He is not sad. Noodle is alive, the seagull told him so, so the grief he’d felt in his body for months and months is pointless. He is not happy. That’s nothing new. He can’t remember what that feels like and it is far too much effort to search for that memory. He is not angry.

Well.

Anger could be a word to describe what he feels about Murdoc disappearing, only to pop up on Twitter talking about making a new album without him. That’s a sting, sure, something blackish red behind his eyes when he closes them, but since anger, and none of these feelings, have any outlets, so he tries to let them go. So much for passing the time.

Something rumbles, and his white eyes scan the sky for clouds, finding none.

Ah. He is hungry. That’s his stomach.

It’s been a lot of days since he’s eaten. It was just before Memorial Day when he jumped into the water, and back in the good old US of A, millions of families have no doubt already had their barbeques. He tries to remember the smell of charcoal, of boiled corn and hamburgers.

It makes his stomach hurt.

His birthday has probably passed, he realizes. Not that it matters. It just would have been nice to have had some company to acknowledge it to. He used to enjoy this time of year, the beginning of summer, the greenification of the earth as bushes and trees and flowers all turned verdant. It had once made him feel hopeful, alive.

But that’s right: he’s already estimated that he’s way down the southern hemisphere. It’s winter here, not summer. He smiles bitterly, and something akin to a laugh shoots out of this throat. It’s an ugly, horrible sound, and with only the slosh of the waves, it reverberates in his head for hours.

Detroit, 2019

“Sit down here, Russel,” Noodle instructs, pointing to the plush recliner in the Spirit House. She’s practically skipping with excitement, one of those ridiculous pointed birthday hats on her head. “We’re going to do presents soon!”

Cigar in mouth, Russel obeys, chuckling as she almost slams into Ace as he makes his way out of the kitchen, sporting a matching hat and a pair of pink oven mitts. “What happened to the candles I bought?” he asks, looking panicked. “We gotta do cake before we do presents, and I can’t find the candles anywhere! I left them right on the counter in the kitchen next to Dee’s Buddha statue and now they’re gone—”

“Don’t get you knickers in a twist,” Murdoc cuts him off, striding into the room in his hole-filled striped sweater and grey skinny jeans. He places a small packet in one of Ace’s mitted hands. “Here you go. Found them by the stovetop; someone must’ve moved them.”

“Thanks boss,” the taller man responds, sounding relieved.

Russel puts his feet up on the ottoman, catches Noodle giving Murdoc a suspicious look before snatching the packet from Ace. “These are prank candles, Murdoc. The kind that won’t go out.”

“Actually they’re essentially sparklers,” the bassist replies with a guilty shrug. “Thought it’d be funny.”

Noodle smacks Murdoc’s arm and storms off with her confiscated candles, muttering to herself in Japanese. Russel puffs at his cigar and tries to hide his smile: with the addition of Ace, their home has become even more chaotic, but it’s highly entertaining. Before he can catch whether or not Murdoc is going to reveal what he did with the candles Ace bought, 2D enters the living room with a large purple bag and plops down on the couch nearest to the recliner.

“Proper Cuban, that?” he asks, pointing to the smoke.

“You know it, Dee. Nothing but the finest. Want a puff?”

“No thanks. Trying to stick to the vape as often as possible. It’s easier on the lungs than cigarettes and such.”

“Well technically you’re not supposed to hold the cigar smoke in your lungs, Dee.”

“I understand that,” he replies, fiddling with the ribbons on the gift bag, “but I don’t trust myself not to do that. So Russ, really, is there anything else that we can do to make this birthday perfect for you? I feel like this is so…simple.”

The drummer smiles, crosses his legs at the ankles. “I’ve seen the way rockstars party. It isn’t for me. I’m being completely sincere when I tell you that all I want, truly, all I want, is to spend time with my family. Some drinks, some good food, that’s it.”

He doesn’t bother telling 2D that this is the first birthday in years that he didn’t wake up in bed feeling paralyzed with anxiety. Or that he has dreamt of windmills falling out of skies and green ocean waves and tasted saltwater so many times that the sound of Murdoc and Ace arguing is welcome relief. It seems pointless to tell 2D that he’s had a Bob Marley song stuck in his head all morning. Or that he plugged in his old iPod today, the one he hasn’t touched since 2005, to remember some of the jams he used to work out to in the mornings when Kong was still his home.

“Russ, as long as that’s what you want, we’re all happy to celebrate like this with you,” the singer promises with a smile, placing a hand on Russel’s shoulder and squeezing lightly.

“Thanks. Forty-four, man, big year. I got big plans ahead.”

“Oh really? You thinking music-wise, or something else?”

Russel’s smile widens and he leans in a little closer. 2D will be the first person to hear him confide his newest and most ambitious goal yet. “I’m thinking a foundation,” he admits. “Starting one myself. A non-profit to bring music to disadvantaged youth. I’ve got some friends who’ve worked for non-profits before who said they can help me get if off the ground.”

“Russ that’s huge!” 2D gasps, slapping the arm of the couch in excitement. “We’ll help too! With funding, with travel, Muds can probably help connect us to some producers who might know others who can help out!”

“I was planning on asking you all for help today. That’s my big birthday request, my next goal in life.”

The singer smiled and pointed to the bag on his lap. “You’ll still want the dress I got you too though, right? Very pretty, my mum helped me pick it out.”

He eyes the bag eagerly, suddenly wanting very much to start presents soon even though he had told himself earlier that day that he didn’t need anything more material in this world. “I’ll…I’ll still take the dress, yeah. Thanks buddy.”

“Cake time!” Ace crows, making his way out, carrying a very large, impressive cake on a try, candles alight on top. True to Ace’s perfectionist nature, the cake is one of the most beautiful things Russel has ever seen that wasn’t commissioned by a professional baker. Blue and purple icing create cloudlike flowers, and the top of the cake looks like a bass drum with Russel’s name etched across it in script. “Hey boss, get your ass inside, you can smoke later! Time for happy birthday!”

“Wait till you try this,” Noodle says, leaning in to hug Russel tight as Ace sets the cake down on the coffee table and Murdoc rushes in from his smoke break in the backyard. “Ace is a great baker. Real buttercream icing. Like nothing you’ve ever tasted!”

She goes to pull back, but he pulls her into one last hug, hearing 2D “awww” beside him.

“Thanks for gathering the troops,” he tells her.

“Russel, we’re family,” she replies. “It’s our pleasure to be here with you today. To celebrate.”

“Well then,” the drummer sets his cigar down in an ashtray and leans in to blow out the candles. “Let’s celebrate.”

[thereislifeafterhq]

Flora Devereaux is 44 years young with a birthday on May 23rd. She hails from New Orleans and Shreveport, Louisiana but now lives in Lima, Ohio. She is a Country Singer and Owner of Barkin’ Bones Animal Shelter and looks a bit like Charlize Theron.

Full Name: 

Flora Azalea Devereaux

Pronouns: 

She/Her

Gender: 

Cis-Female

Sexuality: 

Pansexual (But currently unaware)

3 Positive Traits: 

+ Protective + loving + smart

3 Negative Traits:

- Damaged - untrusting - self-deprecating

Biography:

triggers: Cult Life, Domestic Abuse, Sexual Abuse, mentions of drugs/Alcohol, Adultry, Depression, Anxiety

Flora Azalea Devereaux, was born in New Orleans to Owen and Magnolia Devereaux. The second child of four kids and certainly the one that had the biggest dream. She wanted to be a country star, she wanted to share her gift with the world. It wasn’t her only dream, she also wanted true love. She imagined her prince coming along and they would share love’s first kiss, she wanted love and prayed for it. However, when you grew up in a church like Precious Glory Ministry. Love and dreams weren’t high on the list, not in the eyes of Pastor Gregory Stone. Pastor Stone considered himself God’s prophet and interpreter of god’s will.

The parishioners had roles and those roles were god’s command. Men worked in the fields, built homes, and took wives. The women served the men by cooking, cleaning, and bearing their children. Pastor Stone was allowed to sleep with any wife he wished, no questions asked. The children treated him as a second father and follow his commands without question. As the church grew, Pastor Stone moved them to bigger land in the middle of nowhere- away from prying eyes.

People started to pull away from the ministry, families leaving in the night and others told to leave and never come back. Owen and Magnolia were planning to leave for years, saving money, hoarding provisions, and planning their escape. It was Pastor Stone’s interest in Flora and Rose that finally set things in motion. Flora was fourteen and Pastor Stone turned his attention towards her particularly. Flora felt very uncomfortable with his advances but knew if Pastor Stone wouldn’t take no for an answer. His words, “But God wants me to have you,” were burned in her brain. The night before Pastor Stone took Flora as his new wife, The Devereaux’s fled and left no trace.

Shreveport, Louisiana. A small farm house with just enough lands for a family to build a life. It took some time but The Devereaux found a new church to call home. Flora’s life change drastically, she finally had a chance to follow her dreams. She started to sing in the church choir and one of the church goers happen to be in the country music business. He told her about a band he was putting together and they needed a lead. They were looking for a younger sound and Flora had what they were looking for. When they hit the road, Magnolia tagged along and took Rosie with her. She wanted to spend some time with the band and make sure Flora felt comfortable. A few months in she headed back home and left Flora in the new chaperones hands.

Paul and Avery became her best friends, they were a couple years older and treated her like a kid sister. They were extra protective of her, once they realize just how innocent she truly was. “You never snuck a drink, not even once?” Avery asked in disbelief. Flora explained that she didn’t lie, cheat, steal, or do anything the lord frowned upon. She believed preserving her body with prayer and being optimistic about the people around her, “Oh Paulie we have so much work to do.”  Flora stood her ground for some time but decided the lord would forgive her. She prayed about it and decided to try smoking, after her first attempt she couldn’t stop coughing. Drinking did not appeal to her at all but she did enjoy the taste of wine. “I guess that’s a start,” Avery shrugged.

Flora was also a very honest person, so when her Marmee asked how everything was. She ended up telling her everything got an hour long lecture over the phone. That was enough to scare from trying anything else.

After a year, the band finally had a huge break. Their song Baby Girl broke charts and thrust the band into the public eye. Their first huge event was a country music festival in Louisiana, Flora was excited because that meant her family could come and see the band perform. The set was a hit and Flora met many people but only one stuck, a man by the name of Russell Fabray. He was charming, handsome, and older. They spent the whole after party talking before slipping away. Against her better judgment she slept with Russell that night, behind the garden. Russell assured her that everything would be alright. “We’re going to marry and no one has to know.” And she believed him.

During their first tour, Russell would come out to meet her. They would spend every minute together between rehearsals. When Flora found out she was pregnant, she called Russell in a panic. “We need to get married,” He didn’t sound angry or mad and Flora felt relieved. They did it properly and Russell asked her parents permission to marry their daughter.

They bought a house near Flora’s parents, a place where they could start their family. Flora continued to travel with the band, until tragedy struck. Avery had always been one for drugs and alcohol and her lifestyle had spiraled. The more famous the group got, the more she indulged. Flora and Paul did what they could but she wouldn’t accept the help. One night after a show, Avery went out to a party. Paul and Flora passed and opted for sleep, “Sure, thank you for everything.” Those words confused Paul and Flora but they passed them off.

The next morning, Paul and Flora got the news about Avery. After a night of partying she went back to her hotel room and overdosed. Before she took her life, she wrote down everything on her mind- which broke Paul and Flora both. Avery wrote a song for them both and told them to go on and take a piece of her with them. The song was kept secret and Flora kept a copy with her as a reminder.

The death of Avery ended the band, it was just to painful. Paul decided he couldn’t do it without her and Flora agreed. Sugarland was over and Flora returned to Louisiana to take a break and have her family. When the twins were born, Russell was late and Flora finished before he made any appearance. Avery and Daniel Fabray, they were perfect in every way and Flora’s motherly instincts kicked in. She needed to keep them safe from the world.

Eighteen, married and a mother of two. She was overwhelmed and was glad her parents were around to help. Russell was always traveling for work and she was left alone a lot. He would come back to check in, being a strict parent and even more stern husband. He had expectations and she never questioned them, he was the husband and made the rules. He changed after marriage and she found he was quick to temper. He enjoyed his drinking and it made things tense and scary, especially when he started to abuse her. If she didn’t do things to his standards, he’d hit her and call her worthless. She blamed herself for his anger, believing it was his right as a husband to set the rules.

When Russell was away, Flora would do a few local gigs. Singing her own songs and entertaining the crowd. She couldn’t see herself going on tour again, she was a parent now and Russell would never allow it. She needed so much help with the twins and Marmee was a great help during these times. She trusted her mother’s sage advice and told Magnolia everything, “I’m scared, Marmee, nothing I do is right. I try so hard but I can’t do this anymore, I want to leave him.” Magnolia was understanding until the very end, she was quick to jump in.

“Divorce is a sin, Flower. You hang in and god will punish him for his wicked deeds.”

“But Marmee, I-”

“Marriage is hard but divorce is not happening. And, do not tell your paw or brother’s, heaven knows what they’d do to him!” After that, Flora took every punch, squeeze, and harsh word. She stayed silent until his anger turned towards the kids. They were only four years old and Russell went to strike but suddenly the timid housewife turned into a tiger. She pushed him back and grabbed her new weapon. A gun her brother bought her, after learning about Russell and his abuse.

“In the name of the lord I will shoot you dead if you touch them.” He instantly sobered up and called Flora’s bluff, knocking the gun from her hand and going in for the attack. The police showed up but Flora was too scared to admit what happened. She just stayed by Russell and smiled as he explained. “Just a very loud disagreement, Lloyd. Everything is fine, we got a bit carried away.” After that, Russell started to spend more time away from home. His attitude towards the kids changed, especially with Avery. She was his princess and earned her love, she was special to him. Daniel received the most attention but had expectations placed on him, since he was the man of the house.

When she became pregnant with their third child years later, things were good again for a while. She almost forgot about the monster in front of her, he was being so sweet and kind. One night, Flora took him aside when he was sober and had a conversation. “I don’t want this baby to see that side of you, Russ. I want our kids to feel safe, I don’t want them to see you raise another hand.” Russell agreed in his own way, a smile, a kiss, and just walked away. He continued to abuse her but they kept it from the children.

For a few years, Flora continued to sing. Just small little gigs at local venues, the kids would tag along and support her. It was nice for the kids to see that side of her but nothing good lasts. She started to take less and less gigs and eventually went back to being a housewife.

Flora found some confidence over time, able to stand up to Russell more and more. He calmed down a lot over the years and that helped. However, something was eating away at her and she felt that she wasn’t the only, Mrs. Fabray. She did some digging and found he was married to another woman. She was upset and wondered how Russell managed to keep this from her. When she got the nerve to bring it up, Russell admitted he was in fact married to another woman. “How long?” Russell then laid everything out on the table and Flora was broken. A grief she had never felt- everything was a lie. The priest was a fake, the marriage a lie, she had been living in sin for sixteen years. “Why?”

“Because I had to have you, you’re mine.” Those words haunt her until this day.

Now it made perfect sense why Russell never wanted her to mention his name. Why he never wanted to be in the tabloids, or why he allowed her to keep her last name. He never wanted this part of his life to get back to his wife. “Not anymore. Not only did you cheat on me with other women, you cheated on your actual wife with me. You’re an Adulterer and that is a sin in the eyes of the lord, the very lord you use to beat me to the ground. You shame me, our kids, we’re going to be a joke to our entire community! Leave and don’t you ever come back.” Russell was going to argue but when Owen, Jake, and Tucker appeared behind her with shotguns he backed away.

“See you again, I’ll shoot you dead.” Owen cocked his gun and aimed it right at Russell’s head. He knew Owen wouldn’t think twice and made his escape out the door. Everything was kept silent and it was decided that if anyone asked, Russell left and that was that. Flora had the task of telling the kids and it was one of the hardest conversations she had. The twins were about to turn sixteen years old and understood but Juliette had a hard time understanding. She was only nine and her daddy was her everything and now she found out he was a bad man. She promised them everything would be okay and things would stay the same. “This changes nothing because it’s always been us against the world…”

The first step of this new found freedom, introducing the kids to their siblings. Judy was unsure about it but Flora decided it was an important step. The kids thought it was weird that Flora and Judy were friends but they were important to each other. It was weird being friends with your fake husbands ex-wife but It was nice to have someone to share things with. The first meeting with the kids were tense and Juliette seemed the only one interested. The other kids were courteous and made small talk and that was all. Judy and Flora wanted them to get to know each other but at their own pace.

Things were still strained but getting better…

“Solo music?” When the label came to Flora about solo music, she was skeptical about the whole thing. “I don’t know if I can, It wouldn’t feel right to do it without Paulie.”

“You should,” Paul was standing in the corner of the room with a smile, she didn’t even notice him. They had not seen each other since the twins were born. Russell didn’t want him around and now Russell was gone and Paul was here. They shared a long hug and stayed like that for a while. “Avery would want you to sing again, you should.” And with Paul’s blessing and a bunch of nerves she started to work on a new album- which went nowhere. Her fears and insecurities were firmly planted by Russell and she let doubt sink in. She told the label no and went back to her life as a pharmacist.

Over the next few years, Russell continued to show up in her life. Begging to come back home and only once she had a moment of weakness and let him in. Things were good for a short time but then the abuse started up. By this time the kids were off to college and moved away, no where in the house was safe. She kicked him back out but Russell wouldn’t stop trying to win her back. He would leave her flowers, love notes and things escalated quickly. When she refused to return his expressions of love, all four of her tires were slashed. She knew it was him but the police had no evidence, no fingerprints, nothing. Also, the house was in his name and legally she could not keep him from the property. Flora decided it was time to move and get away from him. She took what she needed and packed it away in a car and a moving van. The rest was moved into storage for safe keeping.

Flora didn’t know where to go at first but it made sense, Lima. Her and Judy shared a strong bond and friendship and she needed her friends strength. Flora found a nice home and made it her own but one thing Flora couldn’t escape- crippling depression and Anxiety. Those seemed to follow her wherever she went and it made things hard. The once perfectly pressed and dressed, she started to dress down and ignore her own personal hygiene. Late night trips to the convenience store, it’s sad when the clerks start to know your name.

One night, by pure luck- Flora ran into someone she met online. A girl who she grew close to, Dani. They seemed to help each other and boy something about this girl felt familiar. It only took a few days for Flora to remember the wild child, Avery. They were similar in many ways and now Flora knew the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. She could help Dani and be there to help when she needed it. Before they knew it, Flora became a mother figure and a friend. Both were there for each other and Dani helped her through her own hard times. She even convinced Flora to get a tattoo.

Over the next few months, Flora decided to be more open with her past. Giving her instagram followers a glimpse into her old life, speaking her truth. Which caused a rift with some family but that was their problem, not hers.

Things were good for a bit but got worse when Russell showed up. He found her and started harassing her again, which escalated into sexual assault. Causing Flora to live in fear, even after Russell was found and arrested he was set free. No physical evidence but the second time she fought back, clawing his face. He was on the run and the worry only built up and last year during the holidays- Flora had a nervous breakdown. It was so bad she could not function on her own but her family helped and she found herself again.

Flora was back in Lima before she knew it, stronger and ready to live her life. Russell was caught shortly after New Years, receiving a five year sentence for his crimes. It gave Flora peace of mind and she could finally focus on her life and her new Music career…

Paul had come to her around April and asked if she wanted to go back on tour. Flora wasn’t sure about being in the spotlight but Paul said it was time. “We put this off long enough, Avery would want us to do this.” Flora thought about it decided it was time to get back into something she truly loved.

The last few months she has been planning Sugarland’s return with Paul and working on her self worth.

[dweemeister]

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)

In the early 1950s, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) had reached the peak of the studio’s powers, becoming the de facto home of the American movie musical. Its recent releases read like an honor roll: In the Good Old Summertime (1949), On the Town (1949), Annie Get Your Gun (1950), An American in Paris (1951), and Singin’ in the Rain (1952). For 1954, MGM needed to juggle two future additions to that list: Brigadoon and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. The former starred Gene Kelly and Cyd Charisse, was directed by Vincente Minnelli (1944′s Meet Me in St. Louis, An American in Paris), and produced by the famed Arthur Freed unit. The Freed unit produced all of MGM’s A-list musicals, so the studio relegated Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as a “B” picture – cutting its production budget, slashing advertising expenditures. Stanley Donen’s (Singin’ in the Rain, 1955′s It’s Always Fair Weather) movie came dangerously close to being permanently shelved by MGM, but production did commence. In the end, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers outperformed Brigadoon in almost all metrics. And despite its very politically incorrect premise, it has held up better than Brigadoon as well as most musical films from that decade.

It is 1850 in Oregon Territory. Adam Pontipee (Howard Keel) has come down from the mountains – chest forward, masculinity erect for all the villagers to see – to announce he is here to find a bride. After eavesdropping on Milly (Jane Powell) and noting her sassiness and dedication to finishing her chores, he proposes, and she accepts without much question or resistance. Believing she is going home with Adam and only Adam, she is surprised that he also lives with six younger brothers – Benjamin (Jeff Richards), Caleb (Matt Mattox), Daniel (Marc Platt), Ephraim (Jacques d’Ambroise), Frank (Tommy Rall), and Gideon (Russ Tamblyn) – all of whom are ill-mannered slobs, are conveniently colored-coded by the costume design, and most of the six younger Pontipee brother actors are dancers (explained below). Furious at Adam, Milly demands an explanation. He responds that living in the backwoods requires men and women depending on each other to thrive. In time, Milly decides to teach the seven brothers proper etiquette and how to clean up after themselves.

I would be remiss without mentioning the six other women who become the brides (in alphabetical order with who they are hitched with, from Benjamin to Gideon): Dorcas (Julie Newmar), Ruth (Ruta Kilmonis), Martha (Norma Doggett), Liza (Virginia Gibson), Sarah (Betty Carr), and Alice (Nancy Kilgas). 

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is based on “The Sobbin’ Women” by  Stephen Vincent Benét – a parody of the Roman mythological tale of the Rape of the Sabine Women. Wait! One quick explanation, please! Regarding the Rape of the Sabine Women, the word “rape” in the classical context refers to the Latin word “raptio”, which means abduction rather than the contemporary definition of rape. But this means the six other brides will be abducted by the Pontipee siblings – setting up the film’s frantic, comedic finale. A piece of modern feminism Seven Brides is not. Yet viewers need to consider that the seven men in the film have lived their lives in the Oregonian forests, with only Adam having infrequent contact with women and society at the most. The six younger Pontipee brothers might never have met women in a social context; their only understanding of women is through the Greek/Roman myths that Milly has read to them (considering the Rape of Sabine Women and Zeus/Jupiter’s behavior, you are right to be a bit horrified).

The Pontipees know nothing of physical boundaries, being respectful of women, and believe that they – perhaps not necessarily as men, but as individuals – should have what they want. Do you really expect them to not behave like lechers? Through the musical score, Seven Brides positions itself as a satire (and, especially in a scene where the younger Pontipees are trying not to knock other men’s lights out, often a hilarious one), never endorsing the behaviors of the Pontipee brothers. This tale of frontier courtship integrates Stockholm Syndrome (a psychological condition in which a hostage develops sympathetic feelings for their captor; also a narrative trope that has been abused by numerous artistic mediums). This is the point where the film’s screenplay by Albert Hackett (The Thin Man series), Frances Goodrich (Hackett’s spouse and co-writer), and Dorothy Kingsley (numerous Esther Williams movies including 1953′s Dangerous When Wet). As entertaining as Seven Brides is from its opening minutes, the women just seem too forgiving of the Pontipee brothers. Milly, in her active and open resistance to all that Adam is teaching his younger siblings, turns a one-sided argument into a battle of the sexes – making this a far more watchable film than it might otherwise have been.

For the musical team of supervisor Saul Chaplin (1961′s West Side Story), score composer Adolph Deutsch (1960′s The Apartment), song composer Gene de Paul, lyricist Johnny Mercer (maybe the best English-language lyricist from the 1930s-50s), and orchestrators Leo Arnaud (a longtime MGM contractee best known for “Bugler’s Dream”, a theme for American television’s presentation of the Olympics) and Alexander Courage (also a long-serving MGM contractee, but best known for his theme to Star Trek: The Original Series), Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ musical score is spectacular from the very first song.

That first song? “Bless Your Beautiful Hide”, sung by Howard Keel in the opening minutes. The catchiest song in the film, it also serves as burning a hole through any expectations of clumsy or overlong exposition that can ruin a musical. In two-and-a-half minutes of Keel’s accented, blustering, unusually expressive bass-baritone, “Bless Your Beautiful Hide” has successfully introduced Adam Pontipee – that he is searching for a woman to sling over his shoulder, that she be at least conventionally pretty and not fat, can do work around the house, and someone who is “SASSY as can be!” One could not ask for a better introductory song than this. The song, “When You’re In Love” is a demonstration of Milly’s more refined nature against the rugged Adam. It is the song’s reprise – sung by Adam? – that poses problems. Keel also objected to the reprise’s placement in the film, saying that Adam did not understand what love is the moment he reprises the song (one could interpret it as Adam parroting Milly’s song, not fully understanding the lyrics, but I am not of that camp). Other highlights include Jane Powell singing “Goin’ Courtin’” a few scenes before Adam counters with “Sobbin’ Women” – recounting the story of the Rape of the Sabine Women, and setting the film’s resolution in motion. Seven Brides might not have the most memorable score, but it’s musically fascinating and I can’t label any of its de Paul and Mercer songs – okay, maybe “Wonderful, Wonderful Day” – as a dud.

But we haven’t gotten to the film’s ultimate musical accomplishment yet. Enter the barn dance sequence – an inspired composition by Adolph Deutsch and choreographer Michael Kidd (1953′s The Band Wagon, It’s Always Fair Weather). Alongside the excellent orchestration by Arnaud and Courage, the cue that accompanies this scene is just as fun to listen to within the film as well as when removed from it. Based heavily on “Bless Your Beautiful Hide”, the melody is passed back between strings and woodwinds with infectious zest. Infectious Western-styled themes; string-crossing; finger-numbing runs from the string section set the pace; and, when timed to the athletic, rather than balletic, choreography (the actors who played the six younger Pontipee brothers, the women, and the other suitors are all magnificent dancers), epitomizes the peak of the 1950s MGM musical. Because of the technical footwork, Donen sought to cast six dancers as the younger Pontipee brothers. Three weeks of rehearsal were needed just to record these several minutes of breathtaking movement.

Why resort to fisticuffs when things can be settled with a dance-off? Instrumentalists, dancers, and those who just love a good musical number will be left in awe here. For those who wanted to see a cartoonish brawl ensue, don’t feel deflated. This film will fulfill your wishes a few minutes after this, too!

Because of the film’s lack of support from MGM executives, the original plans to shoot on-location in Oregon fell through. The screenplay calls for the depiction of all four seasons, which would require a year-round shoot that MGM did not want to cough up for a “B” picture. Thus, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers would be shot almost entirely on the MGM backlot in a soundstage – which allows for some glaringly artificial painted backdrops and foliage that the viewer needs to overlook to enjoy such an electric musical. With production design as clunky as the Yellow Brick Road backdrops in The Wizard of Oz (1939), Seven Brides for Seven Brothers feels like it could have been made decades earlier. But don’t think Seven Brides is stuck in a previous decade. The film was shot on CinemaScope (a widescreen screen aspect format, though not represented in the video provided for the barn raising sequence, that had been introduced the previous year) as well as the then-industry standard 4:3 format – not all theaters had the technology to present CinemaScope or other widescreen formats yet. As a result, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers was shot in and exists in two different formats: a CinemaScope and a 4:3 version. This review was based on the CinemaScope version shown on Turner Classic Movies (TCM), and it is also the print I recommend you watch.

This is a musical movie I had been holding off on for years, for insubstantial reasons. In the end, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers – because of its depiction of men asserting their own gendered primacy – may not appeal to all audiences, and I will not quarrel with anyone who has given Donen’s film a mindful look. The film is hampered by the nature of its narrative and external, business-side limitations. Those aspects should not define it. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ gorgeous musical score culminates in a stunning dance scene and contains an unexpectedly thoughtful look on how a single person can inspire change in another (not exclusively in terms of “fixing” them), making this a splendid addition to the best musical lineup produced by any Hollywood studio.

My rating: 8.5/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found here.