#(kindof im just assuming)

[societaltheft]

i forgot i had an account and im only back on here to post these

not as good as my sketches usually but theyre something ,, plus i heard thru the grapevine a while back that gravity falls is popular again and now im obsessed with it. again. 11 y/o me is screaming w delight right now

[kindaorangey]

also like i keep reading fics where people try to spin daniel's turning as something he was sort-of into, and that he sort-of consented to it (although with his life being threatened he could never consent fully, yanno) and also it tends to be intermingled with him and armand having sex and like. i know im a killjoy for saying this but i really hope in canon it isn't like that. like the turning is this massively violating and cruel thing and honestly i think it'd be a lot more interesting for it to be one more issue the two of them have to move past before they have any sort of relationship with each other

[kiddokori]

got my ears pierced

[ghoulishtapir]

been rotating a prime defenders insert into the fallout show ..... making a hyperfixatuin soup if u will

william is the ghoul. but the more body horror ghouls and also southern . (would also say rgat in this case barb would actually be david. i mean its literally belltech -> vaulttec wgat can i say)

dakota is maximus but not as motivated by revenge more just by believing that the brotherhood is doing the right thing

ashe is lucy. isolated from real world until violently thrown into it and quickly having to adapt (and yknow. mark as hank and that whole situation works horribly great)

now. i was trying to figure out where vyncent would fit in. at first i was leaning towards him being more of his own thing not replacing a character, probably like an enclave experiment, but um. i realized a much funnier idea was that its the exact same thing (with some tweaks) as canon. he gets isekaied into fallout. he's still magic, hes still elf. but now in the wastelands.

n e ways just needed to write this down before i forgor but i want to draw it....

[pastadoughie]

forgot to post this old design in the orig becauz nobody can read i will mention again but WE HAVE INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING AND NO WE ARENT GOING TO CHARGE YOU 30 DOLLARS TO SHIP AN ACRILIC CHARM we rlly rlly wanna try and get these cleared out so we have a lil more money to fund the shop refresh (i have over 12 designs that we cant get manufactured because we r just too in the red financially to afford it) ppl keep asking me to add like, more pride designs and "ohh wouldnt it be cool if you made THIS a stcicker!!" and i think what ppl need to understand is that this shit costs alot of money, and there is only so much money we are willing to shove into the money pit that is etsy before we have to wait to start making an actual profit we are like, a little under 500 USD in the red for manufacturing because of the pride keychains, so if you like me and my art and designs and want some of the stuff like the berry cats to see the light of day on my shop you buying something would really really help

shop clearance sale :)

we r trying to clean out all the old designs in our shop cuz we r doing a refresh (working on getting a BUNCH of designs up 4 pride month, i have 20 fully drawn and exported n are now prototyping and working out manufacturering, but am also working on some not pride month specific stuff) we rnt restocking these designs n are gonna retire em after they sell out, so if you like any you should rlly grab them before they go away forever they r 7-12 USD depending on witch one you get :3 please buy if u can

[regretevator-confessions]

people make pest/pestx(blank) too toxic

im not a hater, do what you want with them but hear me out

pest ofc does have npd and aspd, but based off his relationship with dr retro i would assume he wouldve gotten/ gets help for it, especially since he acts more (IDK THE WORD PLS DONT COME FOR ME) reasonable than someone with untreated npd/aspd based off my research

the same point also kindof goes for pestx(blank) (i will specifically be talking about partybeetle for this though) people with aspd/npd arent incapable of having healthy relationships, especially those who are getting help (as i implied above) and to add on, yeucc themself did state that pest and poob would be more frienemies replying to a question asking if they would be compatible, aswell as stating they dont mind people shipping them

as i said though do whatever you please, these are just my thoughts and also dont harass yeucc please and thank you. thanks for potentially reading aaah

.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting my brother to eat other foods?

so my (19m) brother (14m) has an extremely simple diet of fried chicken, pizza and french fries. we both suspect he has autism (i've been diagnosed with autism and our symptoms line up) so i'm Assuming these are his safe foods, and yes it's unhealthy but it's better than nothing. but we do Not have the money to sustain his diet, it's just me, him and our mom (41) struggling with mental illness so neither of us can hold jobs for very long and mostly rely on food stamps every month, and they run out very quickly. and it's usually me or my mom making the chicken, the pizza is microwavable, and the french fries are either pre-packaged so he can put them in the oven, or i'm making them from scratch. and these have to be made alongside mine and mom's dinner. everyday. and when the food can be made by him it's all gone within a week (we buy alot at once but that drains money fast).

so the thing is. i said Assume they're his safe foods because he's literally (and i mean literally i've been with him nearly all day everyday his entire life) never eaten anything else besides simple sandwiches (we also make for him) for school lunch, so he doesnt even know what else he likes. he's tried my ramen noodles once before but threw it away immediately for what he says was "a texture thing" and thats IT and now he's averse to eating anything at all. i'm tired of having savings from what work i can do spent on him when nobody feels like doing all that cooking, when we have leftovers in the fridge of food he refuses to eat. i don't really use my money on anything else besides going out with friends every once in a while, so i kind of feel selfish not buying him food and letting him starve himself even though we have other things he will eat, he just doesn't want to make.

i also feel bad because i know he thinks he's a burden because of this and it makes him feel worse to bring it up. we've gone through a different food related problem with my mom (who's gotten better) getting upset at us for saying we don't want to eat after she complains that we have no money to eat, and it made an ED that i still struggle with so much worse and i don't want to be the one potentially doing that to him.

kindof related but it's also just bugging me, he does not do any chores. he doesn't clean his room, leaves empty (or half full) bottles everywhere, when he's making his food he uses all the oven trays and plates and piles them in the sink when i've personally complained that he could just wash them immediately, it takes 10 seconds. it's so annoying even though i'm not the one doing the dishes either (i wash all my dishes immediately after using them). it might be influencing my thoughts on his food habits even though it's not the same issue.

TL;DR we are broke with spotty income, my brother only eats chicken, pizza and french fries, rarely makes the food himself, isn't interested in eating anything else, and im getting asked to pay for takeout whenever we don't want to make his food for him. and i do not want to pay, so i feel bad.

so AITA and being selfish with my money when i should be looking out for him? and WIBTA if i got my mom to get him to eat anything else? (she thinks we can't force him but we are throughly annoyed). especially while school is out for the summer and we're not making him at least 1 grilled cheese everyday. or is my gut correct and we are seriously coddling him when he's 14 years old and should know better?

What are these acronyms?

[the-holy-ghosted]

*putting on a moustache and sunglasses*

So like what’s the deal with ghosted what’s that about

now see the deal with Ghosted is that it's not what happens within the events of the film that captivates me so much, though don't get me wrong i love this film to bits, but rather, it's the idea of what happens after the whole thing that makes me FUCKING NUTS

because the whole thing is relatively cut and dry in the sense that we don't have to guess about what happened before and we don't have to guess about how everybody is feeling in the present. we know (MOST) important characters backgrounds and what they're doing at Falkhill and slowly revealing Paul's context was pretty interesting if not a little abrupt at the end there but its the very last scene of this film down to the very frame that flips the whole hour and a half you just watched over on its head and prevents me from getting a good night's sleep because i can't stop thinking about it

ELABORATING WITH A LOT OF SPOILERS UNDER THIS

explaining the plot of this movie is hard without sounding like im writing a pretentious review and not just talking out of my ass on tumblr but for my followers who haven't watched this movie and dont care enough to: Ghosted (2011) is set in a british prison in which Jack (John Lynch) is a long time prisoner who's wife just dumped him apparently on the anniversary of their sons death (tough break) and is being advised by his friend and cellmate Ahmed (Art Malik) (who does NOT get HALF as much screen-time or plot relevance as he DESERVES,) to find something to put his mind to and be proud of outside of his failures Paul (Martin Compston) is a prisoner who was just transferred out of a Young Offenders prison AS FAR AS WE'RE TOLD... though its noticeable from the beginning that hes not a very good liar and his story is suspicious at best Clay (Craig Parkinson) is kindof The Guy of their prison wing whos dealing drugs to other prisoners and assumes the position of authority over everybody else, though compared to other inmates with bigger cliques, his foundations are shaky. the description of this film on letterboxd calls him "the wing beast" and i have never cried laughing so hard reading something in my life

Clay and Jack both hone in on Paul immediately for different reasons. Jack, after his pep talk with Ahmed, sees Paul as a source of "a little self belief, something to be proud of", but Clay scoops him under his wing for being relatively young and impressionable. This puts Jack and Clay at odds with each other. after some plot, Paul gets into very big trouble with Clay and after An Incident is promptly plopped into Jacks hands, who had requested Paul move into his cell earlier but didn't have a good enough excuse for it. Well You've Got A Bloody Good Reason Now ect ect

Jack and Paul buddy up immediately and its noticable that Paul is sort of filling in the empty space where a son would be for Jack, however we discover that Paul has been lying about his past to everybody, including Jack. he lied about his family and he lied about having only just been transferred from Y.O. and hadn't been telling the whole truth about his sentence. what the truth ends up being, in a nutshell, is that Paul is accidentally responsible for the death of Jack's son, having been the one who started the house fire he died in (we were never even told that Jack's son died in a house fire before this, we are only told this in Paul's flashback at the end of the movie and are supposed to act, like, surprised?? whatever). consequentially, Jack flips his lid and prompts my personal favorite scene in this film in which he beats the living shit out of Paul with his bare hands and immediately regrets it the second the adrenaline wears off, hitting an alarm button within the cell that alerts the guards.

the guards whisk him away and he is put in solitary confinement, which we find out was actually the first sequence of the film where hes shown with an absurdly long beard, and considering every other fucking scene he's in is of him shaving his face, i assume this is to show just how long he's been kept in solitary confinement, which quite honestly was kindof exciting to realize at the end of the film.

and then. the end scene.

after solitary, Jack is put in cuffs and brought to see Paul who looked Extremely Dead after Jack had him, but hes not dead! just almost dead. Jack is sat next to him and tries to apologize but starts to cry, reaching out a hand to hold Paul's but retracting it regretfully. Paul, having looked unconscious not five seconds before, moves his hand to place it over Jack's...

and then the movie ends. and i am left writhing on my floor in anguish BUT NOT BEFORE I EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT THIS

THIS is what the deal is with Ghosted

the pathetic gestures of "im sorry" and "its okay" are what kill me. sorry is nowhere near enough to justify anything that EITHER of them did, NOR should they be forgiven. AND YET.

and what gets my gears going is the thought of what everything looks like AFTER this scene. after they've bonded so close and after Jack already thought that Paul stopped lying to him, thinking that he could protect Paul from Clay now... after they started to fill the spaces for people they were missing in their lives... and after they've RUINED each others lives. They Have Ruined Each Others Lives and yet Paul probably would have had to DELIBERATELY ASK for them to bring Jack to see him because he just BEAT Paul within an INCH of his life and would NOT !! have brought Jack to see him upon Jack's own request!! Paul would have wanted to see him too!! after all this what does their relationship look like now... the image of father and son has been all but shattered in each other's eyes, one can assume, but are they still close... does the guilt and responsibility drift them apart or does it pull them inseparably together? Ahmed tells Jack that "there is no such thing as coincidence, only fate" but what does their fate look like... does it end here or does it mean that they're together indefinitely? the end of this film swings the door wide open and i think about it. way too often. unacceptably often, even.

all in all theres no reason that this should be my favorite film but it is. if nothing else it's made me look into the other actors involved and branch out with a to-watch list as long as my arm that will only get longer once i branch out from there. is it the perfect movie? no this film is mediocre at best. have i made a number of my friends sit down and watch it and listen to me yell incoherently about it? of course i have.

[ikilledamanforthisurl]

who's lila yammerings (i should be asleep

thinking about Who's Lila again and i really do love how the three layers of the mystery as broken down by Flaw Peacock includes kindof commentary to the "all interpretations are equally valid/correct" writing copout that isn't just the opposite statement or a rebuke of it, but also something that ties it all in with the rest of the game's infohazard/memetic properties themes. like yes, broke = all interps are valid + woke = there IS a correct answer as this is a mystery, but also bespoke = the correct interpretation comes from the unconscious mind of all people, a zeitgeist, et cetera.

it can be equally as much of a copout- because break it down, what tf does that imply? that the interpretation that takes us at large is the most correct? so the most popular theories, and that the most widely accepted aspects of the game, are what is true? whichever red herring that turns out to be when it is handed to the public? it can totally be a copout. not for lack of effort or intelligence or artistry, as FP's video is nearly 8 hours for a reason, but also it can be copout. a REALLY COOL copout though. i can't picture of any other story that i know that does this, nor could i think of a better story to do it.

because it's all about the cultural zeitgeist and memetic properties. beliefs and feelings and ideas and superstitions that trend. Lila is the mystery but she is also a demon, she is also a trauma, she is also a metaphor, she is also a delusion, she is all of these things, but above all else she is what YOU hear she is. the most popular, most widely accepted interpretations are what get shared, and spread the furthest. unrelated people hear about it, maybe give these opinions the time of day for a quick read, and Lila has fully cemented herself in those people's brains as that interpretation, even if alllll that information they just took in winds up being dead noise that the brain scraps entirely with time. she WAS there, however fleeting, as is her abiding by her, or the, laws of memetics

and to me, this is the interpretation. but that doesn't change how people at large are viewing her and i certainly wouldn't know better as i haven't bothered looking into it. idk yall im not gonna ask. regardless she is whatever we first thought she was, and unless you dig deeper and find out more, she's infected you thus. just like how the Dada Dog was originally just some guy's silly drawing, but evolved into an alt-right symbol of actual genuine murderers. somebody took the Dada Dog and maybe unintentionally recontexutalised it when putting it next to their personal dangerous rhetoric, and their ilk ate it up like flies to the point that there was nothing left of the Dog but the picked clean, bare bones of its lineart and sombre expression

my best guess are that there are three layers to the current zeitgeist of Lila as well. 1. the unknowing crowd, who have maybe seen a few pictures at most and maybe a little bit of the game, assuming she's a trauma metaphor characterised as a paranormal thing possessing dear William. 2. the initiated, knowing a little more and who may lean towards her being a demon taking advantage of kids with issues. and 3. whoever was insane enough to dig this deep and grasp that she is exactly what we think she is

Conclusion: Poor William

[pathologising]

fellow DID haver. can confirm we all have different voices, accents, styles of talking, etc. it IS constant chatter for me as well and can be really distracting and Urgh. if that helps any 👍

thank u <3 my doctor is kindof annoying in the sense that she just expects me to check my.chart and figure out my diagnoses on my own (I think she just assumes I know a bit abt them already bc im self aware or well read or whatever they say) so she's just kindof like yeah u have all these disorders you'll figure them out in therapy here's some drugs and im.like -_- gworl......

[telltale-tabletop]

Cie'th from FFXIII are heartbreaking and really fuckin cool.

I know the FFXIII trilogy is divisive among the fandom, and this discourse is not without merit. However, I feel all the people who dislike the games have failed to consider: the setting kicks ass????

In the world of FFXIII, mechanical god-like beings (one is literally just like, a building,) known as Fal'Cie watch over humanity, exacting their unknowable goals under the guise of having mankind's best interests at heart. This is total bullshit, of course. They serve their own interests, and for many of them that is awakening their creator at any at all costs,

When a Fal'cie has use of a servant, in a spin on the classic image of a paladin, they fuckin BRAND their chosen hero. These branded chosen are known as L'cie, and are given three things:

1.) Both magical and physical strength. Except instead of like, casting smite, you get fireball for free. It's kinda rad.

2.) An ominous fucking fever dream showing what they must accomplish in easily misunderstood surreal imagery! This is known as the L'cie's Focus. Good news! If you complete this you get eternal life! Probably. Okay it's more like you're encased in crystal and put into storage until your mechanical overdiety needs you as a meatshield again- but like, cmon nothing's free right?

Congrats, assuming you've been branded! You now have magic, incredible strength, and a limited time left to live. You better work out your Focus, and fast- those who fail to fulfill their focus become shambling monsters known as Cie'th. Imagine zombies that can sling spells but lack any of the sanity or intelligence to use them properly. Cie'th live in constant agony, cursed to wander and lash out at anything that comes close- including themselves. In an especially heartbreaking touch, some Cie'th occasionally cast healing magic on themselves only for it to do absolutely nothing.

Kindof a lose-lose situation huh?

Little recap, in the form of a helpful image for you!

Could you imagine how fucking soul-wrenching this would be in a DND campaign? Picture this: The party's favorite NPC is branded by some dark deity, and given a focus. Cool! You now have an extremely powerful ally that can cast some pretty good spells, and kicks serious ass.

Except, of course, they must complete their focus. And as a GM, i'd take this in the most heart wrenching direction possible- that is to say, your beloved NPC is now in complete opposition to the party. Give it a few sessions for the party and NPC to work it out, slowly drip feeding the information through the cryptic dreams the NPC has every night.

Let's assume your NPC is a good-hearted person, who deeply cares about the party. In my mind, they completely denounce their focus, outright refusing to fulfill it. Determined to find another way, they lock themselves away to study and research- looking for any possible way to rid themselves of their fate.

If your party pops in on them from time to time, describe how this dark crystalline material creeps around their body, spreading from their brand. Once the head is covered, it's game over. This could be both a great launching off point for a sidequest (save your friend!!!!) or a hopeless task in the shadow of higher beings. Alot can be done with this, I think!

You could also just like, have your NPC go along with their focus? A battle against a once-friend now-divine-battlemage also kicks significant ass. A good 7 on the AssKickometer.

We actually see this happen in-game, its pretty cool!

Ignoring the sexyman himbo in the image, this would be absolutely devastating to your table if they're at all sympathetic to NPCs.

Man. If only someone made a statblock for one of the Cie'th varieties from FFXIII for use in such a plotline. Sure sucks that no such thing exists IM LYING IVE DONE IT ALREADY.

This is a statblock I'm giving to you, dear reader, for absolutely free!

When I was making this, I imagined this as the absolute rock bottom for the character, a mere shell of their former power and self.

ENJOY!!!!!

This is my first ever tumblr post, and my first time trying something like this, so critique and input is highly valued!

Additionally, submission and ask boxes are open! So like, yell at me about cool monsters you like from Things and Such!!!! Do it!!! Right Now!!!!!!

[friendlessclown]

there were so many good questions so i did 5 instead of my normal 3, i hope you do not mind 🙏

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

17: What was the last lie you told?

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

82: What is your favourite word?

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

(i assume that last one is out of the question list but i guess it could also be anything :3)

CACHE MY BELOVED....OF COURSE I DONT MIND <33333

3. K. returned - dismissed but unabashed - to the letter in his hand and opened it. (book is the castle by kafka :) ) ((also i kindof cheated on this one and just chose a random line bc i dont even think that single page has 17 lines bro writes longg sentences))

17. told my dentist my summer so far has been "pretty good" cus yknow dentists office not a therapy office etc etc

45. uhhhmmm probably breaking my collarbone when i was just a babe (was jumping on the bed in a hotel and fell off it took ages for ppl to tell what was wrong cus i couldnt talk yet lol)

82. this was probly supposed to be like,,proper poetic sounding words but the word im saying the most rn is woag so thats sortof my fav but if i had to actually choose uhhh tie between dyke and CUNT!! (specifically in all caps with two exclamation points :)))

89. none of the ones on the list tbh but i always hate it when ppl ask me if i trust them bc my anxiety lowkey makes it so i cant rlly trust anyone

[summonhouse]

TALK ABT LABY AND THRISM. ok?

KEEP SUCKING THEIR FLAT FACE . SMILES WARMLY under the cut cause this got. Long

LABYRINTH aka laby is a roleplay ran by Some other guy you can see mosttt people in it here . apparently this is the third incarnation and it used to be ran on some defunct amino like art program ? now its run in discord. in a world of monsters and humans humans are not very nice (PREDICTABLE!) and monsters are. hunted for sport or something (im actually really strangely fuzzy on the details of the setting . so dont ask me a lot about the details of the setting). dozens of monsters have been mysteriously kidnapped and trapped in a labyrinth and made to complete various tasks, usually involving the death and maiming of the party members. reason: currently unknown, at least to me!

schism is Some guy! as detailed before; a monster spawned with another (dramaturgy) and their respective powers being to be controlled by/controlling the other and so his life has been a lot of puppetry violence.

what i meant to say before about schisms mentality that tumblr ate and i did not care to rewrite: due to schisms history he defaults to assuming everyone, including himself, is a tool and an object- every moment he lives in now is just waiting for inevitable disaster. dramaturgys overarching plan with him is to take over the world or something and trash schism after and so hes made peace with the fact that he and everyone else are just dead men walking, no worth whatsoever when their fate is sealed, and any happiness maintained between then and now is only cause for unnecessary grief. if you do not care about anyone, you cannot be hurt when they die (because they will die).

^ ART BY SOAPB OF COURSE.

three detailing, though three is NOT mine, three is soaps; three is a monster like schism and lived kindof a similar life; unlike most monsters who find some family or normalcy theyve both been alley trawling freaks aspiring for high society. three gets by with gambling with their power of dnd skill checks in real life.

the crux of thrism is; schism only became familiarized with three after three had approached him due to looking knowledgable after three had become exasperated with the foolish behavior of the other monsters present, and schism sees anyone approaching him as an opportunity to manipulate. in an unfamiliar environment, he needs any leverage he can get and hopes to use three as cannon fodder, so he'll have friends who will stick up for him in the case that hes threatened and so that they will complete tasks for him if they believe he cares about them. and anyways their third friend group member ink demands that they form a death pact in the case that either of them die. their relationship can EXTREMELY charitably be called rocky at first as theyre both snippy sarcastic individuals with short tempers; schisms gets a kick out of teasing three and threes pissed off at nearly everything that happens around them, and increasingly schism becomes personally infuriated with threes mentality- he sees threes power as cheating and is unable to comprehend it as anything but. he values skill, care, tact, and finds the fact that three can just automatically win without effort absolutely disgusting, it is the pinnacle of unfairness and despite schisms follies he does hate that. he also hates how emotional three is, mostly with the fact that three refuses to accommodate for their inevitable outbursts. but rage towards them leads pretty well into looking out for them- schisms hoity toity ass is very insistent that three can be better, and if three wont help themself (which he hates) then he'll just have to help them for them. eventually schisms throwing himself into extreme danger to three and expressing real passionate concern over their health and schism mostly just thinks hes still covertly trying to manipulate three or is trying to foster threes few admirable traits (he adores that at the very least threes very passionate and stubborn, as much as he hates how assured they are there is something to be appreciated about that conviction) but it becomes hard to deny homosexual urges. then schisms excuse for becoming more and more explicitly affectionate towards three is that 1. this is his Cheat Day, hes been so good until now hes allowed to be kind and hopeful for just one day (or a few weeks. or months) 2. threes going to die so hes speedran grieving their death so hard hes allowing himself to feel emotions. so despite the fact that theyre at the point where they truly appreciate one another schisms still all strangled and bittersweet about it. not hopeful whatsoever about escaping the labyrinth with three much less three surviving much longer after that. theyre not even dating yet theyre cuddling and kissing 24/7 as bros and theyre both terrified of romance

TL DR uhm. i forgotted what i wrote .

[miyanagateru]

queen elizabeth meta is awesome. flies around in her magic train with miss d all snuggled up on her lap and acts like our universe is stuck in the stone age . chasing after miss d's whale . awesome

okay actually speaking of this we have not seen any sign of liz meta's warspite right so its preddy safe to assume shes dead. im a liz/warspite diehard so you know im considering this in the context of liz and liz meta's alliance like on liz's side shes not seeing warspite anywhere and her other self is all loveydovey with this strange siren but she cant just broach the subject right shes the queen shes got more tact than that but it kindof gnaws at her jusd a bit right you know and then on liz metas side shes its like liz's warspite is practically glued to her and so shes always faced with the love she lost and seeing her all loveydovey with her other self and what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[maletomboy]

the way ppl assume uncommon triggers cant be triggers is almost kindof funny..... like i told a guy once i couldn't listen to jazz and he was being super pushy about me "just trying it" so i told him it was a ptsd trigger and he started making fun of me like im a sensitive snowflake who will call anything i dont like a trigger, so i told him the actual reason and he immediately switched to being like "oh man im so sorry nvm"

like idk can we maybe be nicer to people with ptsd without making them explain their traumas everytime lol

[everloste]

trying something new(ish)

talking about my feelings under the cut.

life would probably be a bit easier if i wanted to be alive.

it comes back to that every time. "well maybe if you actually didn't want to die you'd take care of yourself!" idk maybe, but thats not where im at. i've lost a lot of my motivation to do things, to share with others. i have to be reminded to share my art, i DONT share my writing... i barely even talk about myself that often. im usually content to not be remembered by anyone... that used to be my biggest fear.

even my boyfriend barely ever hears the emotional truth from me anymore. i have no interest in being myself or sharing my thoughts or feelings. i honestly think the only feelings i have are anger and sadness, punctuated by episodes of mania i convince myself are happiness. maybe im wrong, my point of view is apparently very darksided when im like this. since i never talk about it anymore i dont really know.

i used to be an open book but i got hurt over and over again and shamed for things i didnt deserve to be shamed for until i stopped being that person where anyone could see. i've forgotten what that person was even like. i am literally no longer the same entity as the one who used my old account, who opened up about my life, who trusted others. they dont even feel real, really. i dont relate to them, i dont know how they lived with everything happening to them... i dont know what they cared about or how they were able to be kind to people, how they managed to live with all of this grief and anger...

but i say that about the person i was 6 hours ago sometimes. the fun of having a dissociative identity disorder is that i feel that way all the time and i never know whats real about what im feeling. i tend to assume none of it is real or all of it. (sometimes theres no difference between all and nothing.) (i know this is not sound logic.)

but that kindof leads me to completely disregarding myself a lot of the time. which my boyfriend hates...

theres no clean conclusion to this, im just forcing myself to write this down instead of crying alone and pretending im fine later.