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nayutai · 6 years ago

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Royally Fucked

↝ Summary Kim Seokjin is a royal asshole. Literally. As the only heir to the throne of Cirenth he’s used to getting what he wants when he wants it. The only obstacle in his way is you, his rigidly moral assistant. He outranks you on both the social and hybrid hierarchies yet a shiver of fear runs down his spine whenever your claws come out. One rude interruption too many is the straw that breaks the camel’s back and he decides he must rid himself of you once and for all.

↝ Warnings Jin is a dumbass, oral sex, semi-public nudity, unprotected sex (use condoms kids), dry humping, crude/foul language

↝ Word Count 14.809

One day at a time.

Your daily mantra bounces around in your brain just like it does every other morning as you give yourself one final once over in the mirror before exiting your suite. Your shoulders are squared, head held high, and your trusty iPad is in hand as you move purposefully through the service wing of the palace. It’s just after seven in the morning and as personal assistant to the crowned prince of Cirenth Kim Seokjin, it’s time to get the royal jackass started on his day.

A deep breath in and released through your mouth to steel your nerves in preparation to deal with the nuisance that is Seokjin is the last thing you do before flinging open the heavy oak door. You’re so used to him being a comatose lump in bed at this hour that the light choking noises don’t even register in your brain until you’re face with the sight of Seokjin vigorously face fucking one of the palace maids. A headache springs up behind your left eye. This is why you’re the highest paid service person in the whole palace after the head chef. Dealing with Prince Seokjin is an absolute nightmare. You wish that you could say this is the first time you’ve walked in on him performing some lewd act with one of his numerous partners but sadly it is not. However, this is the first time you’ve caught him with another member of the palace staff.

“Can you hurry it up, your highness?” You sigh with a quick glance at the apple watch strapped to your wrist. “We have a busy schedule today and we need to get going.”

Seokjin and his flavor of the morning are so shameless that they don’t even stop what they’re doing. If anything, he speeds up his thrusts into the willing mouth his erection is stuffed in. You make it a point to focus on the wall above his head to keep your eyes from wandering lower. It’s easier said than done. Seokjin might be an irritating bastard but even you must admit that he’s sinfully attractive. That primal attraction is shattered when he opens his mouth.

“Why don’t you get down here and join her? I bet I’d be coming in seconds.” He suggests much to your chagrin.

“I’d rather claw out my own intestines and eat them.” You reply quickly. Your nose wrinkling in distaste. He might be the hottest piece of ass you’ve laid eyes on but you have standards.

“Oh, come on, Kitty. A threesome might actually loosen you up some.” You can feel your claws lengthening with the urge to tear him apart at his little nickname for you but Kim Seokjin outranks you in more than just social hierarchy. As a black panther hybrid, you are far outmatched when it comes to the dragon still shallowly face fucking his human conquest.

“Camille would love some help. Wouldn’t you, pet?” He coos out. The petite maid at his feet nods as best she can in her current position. Your nose wrinkles at the way the smell of her arousal kicks up a notch.

“The only thing I’m helping Camille do is file an unemployment claim as her services will no longer be needed in the palace.” Your face is carefully devoid of emotion as that sentence makes Camille tear herself away from Seokjin.

The spot above Seokjin’s head you’ve been staring take a backseat to his saliva-covered erection bobbing in the air. Camille swats at his hands as she grovels at your feet for her job. There is not an ounce of sympathy in your heart for the young maid. Every palace employee is told upon hiring that sexual relations with members of the royal family are strictly forbidden. Few rules in this palace result in immediate termination and this one is right at the top of the list. As a recent hire, Camille shouldn’t have had time to forget that particular fact.

With a resigned sigh, you turn to open the ornate door of Seokjin’s room. Camille knows what that means. She finally drags herself off her knees to run out of the door. The heavy wood door slams shut behind her.

Most hybrids have a keen sense of smell no matter what form they’re in but dragons are a strange exception to that trend and right now you’ve never been more thankful for it. The more primal side of you is practically salivating at the sight of the sizeable appendage jutting from Seokjin’s body. You grimace internally at the gush of wetness that soaks your panties.

“Goddammit you couldn’t wait five more minutes?” Seokjin questions indignantly. He’s always been a physically expressive speaker for as long as you’ve known him. You hate it, especially now that all of his gesturing is making his softening erection wave around wildly. “Now I have to walk around with blue balls all day.”

You huff in response as you herd him towards his bathroom. “Don’t care. Now go take a shower. You’re meeting with a lot of important people today and I can’t have you smelling freshly fucked in front of foreign dignitaries.”

He mumbles something under his breath about not smelling freshly fucked if he didn’t actually get to fuck but for once you choose to not respond to him. While he’s showering, you raid his closet to find him a suit to wear for the day. You fan yourself with the sleeve of a heather gray suit that probably costs more than your healthy monthly salary. Your body temperature is already a few degrees higher than a human’s but now your body feels like a walking furnace.

The sound of the shower turning off spurs you in action. You quickly grab the gray suit you’ve been using as a makeshift fan along with a pale blue shirt and a tie to match. The clothing is carefully laid out on the bed before you disappear back into the closet for accessories. Seokjin emerges from the bathroom in a very revealing pair of black boxer briefs furiously towel drying his hair. You tell him to make it quick before disappearing out in the hallway to wait for him.

“Was firing Camille really necessary?” Seokjin asks, interrupting the peaceful quiet in the SUV. You don’t even glance up from your iPad as you continue to answer one email after another.

“Yes, sexual relations with a member of the royal family are a direct violation of the palace employment contract and results in immediate dismissal.” Had you been looking at him you would have seen the way his lips pouted. A sign that the young prince is deep in thought.

Seokjin is a vengeful man. It’s a fact of his life that he knows has gotten him into trouble more often than not. Despite how much he likes to push your buttons, he’s always made sure to never go too far or risk the harsh bite of your wrath. He might be the bigger, badder hybrid between the two of you but truth be told you scare him quite a bit. He can’t let his fear get in the way of his revenge though. You have singlehandedly cut off his access to the best pussy he’s ever encountered in the palace and that will never do. There’s a week-long summit coming up in a few days in one of the neighboring kingdoms. He decides then that he will commence his plan for revenge.

Operation: Bye Bye Kitty will soon be underway.

“Good morning, Kitty. Did you sleep well?” Jin chirps. Your icy glare doesn’t dim his megawatt smile in the slightest. The way your eyes flash that familiar gold does give him pause though as you seem to struggle to hold your tongue.

Seokjin takes a small step back when you close your eyes for a few seconds. The iPad that never seems to leave your hands is currently clutched to your chest in a death grip. Maybe kicking off his plan at five in the morning as the two of you are preparing to leave for eight o’clock flight wasn’t his best decision. In the three or so years he’s known you, you’ve never been a morning person.

“Don’t speak to me again until we land in Aurlena.” You mutter when you seem to have better control of yourself.

“But that’ll be like eight hours from now.” He protests loudly. The flight to the distant kingdom is already going to be hell as it is but not having anyone to talk to is only going to make it worse. You shut him up with one single glare that promises an untold amount of pain if he doesn’t zip it immediately.

The more animalistic side of him cringes at the way he backs down without another word but the human side of him knows he made the right decision. You’d rip him to shreds faster than he could blink if given the smallest bit of provocation and he knows it. It’s with a shudder that he notices your fingers have actually sharpened into claws. He knows you’re not usually a morning person but you’re extra irritable today. That doesn’t bode well for his plan at all.

The second the doors of the private jet open, you and Seokjin are whisked to the palace of the fairy queen who rules over the kingdom of Aurlena. A spritely host leads the two of you to the main dining hall where an extravagant brunch is being served. Summit participants are spread around at various tables talking amongst themselves over various brunch dishes.

Seokjin purposefully selects an empty table away from the crowd next to a window when the host asks if he has a preference. The view of the royal garden stretching out before them in various hues is breathtaking in its beauty. Rays of light stream through the glass and hit your profile at an angle that leaves the problematic prince speechless for a second as second thoughts run through his head. Maybe he shouldn’t do this. One snappy command to stop slouching from your pursed lips crushes that doubt to dust.

“So, what brought you to the palace?” Seokjin questions as he carefully covers his lap in one of the pristine linen napkins. You snort in response to him just as he’d expected.

“That’s a stupid question. I’m here for the same reason you are, idiot.” He has to stop himself from insulting you in turn. He can’t afford to let a single negative word pass his lips if he wants this plan to work.

“I know that but how did you end up working at the palace? Your file says you were an art student but you dropped out.” You narrow your eyes at him suspiciously. He’s up to something. You’re sure of it.

“Why were you reading my file?”

“Well you said I wasn’t allowed to speak on the plane so I did some reading.”

“Most people read novels not personnel files, Seokjin so cut the bullshit.” The grip you have on your fork that’s hovering above the plate of food you’ve just been served looks punishing but he powers through. He opens his mouth to point out the fact that as a crowned prince he’s most definitely not most people but he thinks better of it.

“Is it really so bad that I want to get to know you? You pick out my underwear for Christ’s sake.” He points out. You’re a woman who can appreciate an honest pursuit of knowledge and facts. Seokjin may not be all that honest about why he wants said knowledge but you don’t need to know that. You arch a brow at him as you consider his statement and for a second he’s sure that you’re going to tell him to piss off.

“My dad had a series of small strokes my senior year of college. My mom had been a housewife since I was born and they couldn’t afford to keep paying for art school so I dropped out. I knew someone who knew someone else and managed to get this job.” Seokjin is a bit taken aback. He was expecting something a bit more frivolous and a lot less traumatic. Then again, you didn’t strike him as a person that did anything frivolous.

“You’ve worked with me for what three years now? Why didn’t you ever mention this? How’s your father doing now?” He questions with rapid fire.

“I didn’t tell you because my personal life is none of your business but my dad is doing much better now. He’ll probably never be 100% but he’s still here.” A small smile graces your features as you duck your head shyly. It’s clear how much you love your father.

A strange flutter takes root in his gut at such an unfamiliar action from you. Looks like family is a soft spot for you. Maybe something happened and that’s the reason for your increased irritability this morning. Seokjin ponders that possibility for the rest of the day as he mindlessly moves through the different speakers and panel discussions for that day.

Seokjin lays in bed later that night mindlessly watching an episode of Bob’s Burgers when his mind drifts back over the events of the day. You’d been incredibly on edge this morning. So much so, that he’d toyed with the idea of postponing his evil scheme to keep from being slaughtered. He praises his own genius when he recalls a certain fact from the exhaustive personnel file he’d read on the plane. Seriously, why are they so in-depth? Why would anyone need to know your precise measurements and what color you prefer the most? He quickly reigns himself back in and grabs the phone from its cradle on the nightstand.

It rings once before someone picks up. The hotel staff member is initially hesitant to fulfill his request until Seokjin gives his room number. All hesitancy goes out the window once that tidbit of information is on the table. Whoever is on the other line must have seen exactly who’s occupying the room. He hangs up after assuring that his wishes will be granted expeditiously. Now all he has to do is wait.

You’re making last minute preparations for day two of the summit when a knock sounds through your suite. No one should be knocking on your door at this time of night unless it’s an emergency. You’re immediately thrown into crisis mode, crossing the room in four large steps. When you see the person standing on the other side of the door you wish you’d thought to grab your robe. You feel incredibly exposed in your worn, oversized t-shirt that bares the symbol of your former university and a tiny pair of shorts.

“I must say I rather like this look on you.” Seokjin says with a smirk as he squeezes by you to step into your room. He looks around observantly though there’s really no point to it. Your hotel rooms are mirror images of each other so there’s nothing he hasn’t seen before.

“It’s almost one in the morning. What do you want?”

“Oh, I brought you this.” Your senses finally seem to get over the initial shock of being disturbed at this hour as he holds out a white box that you hadn’t even noticed before. The enticing smell of chocolate and hazelnut caresses your nose. As if it’ll disappear, you slowly take the proffered container before taking a seat on the edge of your bed while Seokjin cautiously does the same.

“You seemed like you were having a rough morning so I called the kitchen to have them make this for you. I know it’s your favorite.” He speaks up at your startled gasp when you open the lid to reveal a chocolate hazelnut cheesecake. Your favorite dessert.

Seokjin actually looks shy for the first time in all the years you’ve known him. One large hand rubs nervously at the back of his neck as he awaits your reaction. The tips of his ears could be confused for tomatoes with how red they are.

“I know that wasn’t in my HR file so how did you know it’s my favorite?” You question curiously around a bite of the decadent dessert. You hadn’t even bothered to cut a proper slice, opting to just dig in instead. If it weren’t for your impeccable self-control you would’ve moaned at loud and made a fool of yourself. Seokjin grabs an extra fork at your insistence and digs in right alongside you.

“You’re right it’s not, but it did say that your favorite candy is chocolate plus I noticed that the chef makes you one of these for your birthday every year.”

“How did you know that?”

“People sometimes forget that the palace is still just a really big house. I know everything that goes on in my home.”

You nod in concession to his point as you set your fork aside. It is well within your abilities to eat the whole cheesecake in one sitting. A perk of your ramped-up hybrid metabolism. However, you know that doing so will mean a sleepless night and a day of chugging coffee so as not to fall asleep.

“So,” Seokjin starts sheepishly, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

You glance at him in your peripheral vision. Even fix your mouth to deny his invitation to vent. Your eyes wander to the half a cheesecake that you’d set on the nightstand and decide, what the hell? He did go to the trouble of securing your favorite dessert just because he’d realized you were upset this morning. With a heavy sigh, you scoot back so you’re leaned against the headboard.

Your bare legs are stretched out in front of you while Seokjin chooses to stretch his lanky frame across the foot of the bed, propping his head up on his hand. To an outsider, the two of you probably look like half of the Golden Girls cast spilling tea and discussing feelings over cheesecake.

“This stays between us, right?” You ask apprehensively.

“Of course, it does. Boy scout’s honor.” Seokjin beams as he holds up three fingers in salute.

“First of all, that’s the girl scout’s hand sign. Second of all, you were never a boy scout, Seokjin, so what type of honor do you even have?” You hold your hand over your mouth in an attempt to stifle the laughter doing its best to escape.

He waves you off with a playful scoff. It feels weird. You’re about to spill your guts to the man that’s been nothing but a whiny pain in your ass for the better part of three years. This is definitely crossing a line, right? And yet you find yourself pushing that strange feeling to the side. He listens intently as you tell him about the phone call you received from your mother the night before the two of you left for Aurlena.

Simply put, your parents are on the verge of eviction. Well, they were until you’d emptied out your healthy savings account to get them current on their mortgage and keep them off the streets. That was only a temporary fix though. They still owe nearly $10,000 on their mortgage. A mortgage that they can no longer afford to keep up with though they’d never divulged that minor detail to you. Your parents are proud people. They hadn’t wanted you to drop out of school to help them, even promised to do whatever necessary to find the money to fund your last year but you couldn’t do that. Not when creditors were calling them so often that they pulled the plug for the phone out of the wall completely.

You’d taken over the medical bills when you got the job at the palace. It took over a year but you finally got them all caught up but with your dad still needing extensive medical care there would always be more. You’d tried to help your parents with their various other expenses but they assured you that everything was fine now that you’d taken away the burden that was the mountain of medical bills that had piled up at their feet. Apparently, that hadn’t been the truth. Despite your mother getting a part-time job to make some money while also taking care of your father on the days his nurse wasn’t there and his sizeable pension, it wasn’t enough to cover everything.

Seokjin’s face displays a myriad of emotions as you continue your tale. You hadn’t intended to talk this much but it’s not like you really have anyone to talk to. All of your friends from college have moved on with their lives doing god knows what so once you got started you can’t stop. The words just keep flowing and Seokjin just keeps listening.

Surprisingly, the conversation keeps flowing. The more you talk to him, the more you realize that maybe he’s not quite as much of a dickhead as you always thought. Who are you kidding? He’s definitely still a dickhead, but in a more endearing way. In other words, he’s an enigma. A glance at the digital clock nearly makes your eyes bulge out of your head. There’s no way the two of you have stayed up till nearly two in the morning just talking. You hustle him towards the door with strict instructions to go straight to bed with no pit stops and no mindless social media scrolling.

Seokjin goes willingly, giggling at your urgency the whole way. He promises not to make any “pit stops” as you so eloquently put it but both of you know he’s not going to listen.

The second he’s back in his room, he’s digging his laptop out of his suitcase. He opens a fresh word document and brands it with the title of his brilliant plan. His fingers dance across the keyboard as he documents the events of the day. He types a few notes. Makes a few observations. The key to a successful outcome will be keeping track of what works and what doesn’t. A lingering sense of guilt creeps up on him but he shakes it off, typing a final note to pen a glowing recommendation letter for your future employment endeavors. He might be about to get you fired but he’s not so much of an asshole to leave you at the mercy of the world with no job, especially after everything you’d told him tonight.

* * *

The next morning finds you wide awake and fidgety. You’d chased sleep for hours but your brain refused to power down. Your conversation with Seokjin kept replaying over and over in your head. What would be the consequences of telling him such intimate details of your life like that? You weren’t foolish enough to believe that there wouldn’t be any. Seokjin did nothing that didn’t benefit him in some way so he has to have some ulterior motive for suddenly being so nice and attentive.

Your fists are clenched tightly in the expensive sheets of your bed. Last night was a mistake. You’ve always prided yourself on being a logical person and yet, there was nothing logical about telling your boss all about your present hardships. The thought of what this could mean for your future made you queasy. After giving up on sleep, you’d spent the last few hours before your alarm goes off making sure that your resume is absolutely flawless. If you’re going to be unemployed, you need to make sure that you far outshine your competition in the job market. You can’t afford to go without a job considering that your savings account currently has nothing but the mandatory $20 that the bank requires for the account to remain open. Your checking account is nearly just as empty. You’d had to hit it up too and pay day is still a little over a week away.

It nearly takes an act of God for you to raise your fist to knock on Seokjin’s room door. He answers with a blinding smile that calms you for some strange reason. He’s dressed in the sleek navy blue you’d selected for the day. You can’t help but admire the way the tailor-made jacket highlights his broad shoulders with perfection.

“You ready?” Seokjin asks interrupting a bout of silence that you hadn’t even realized had stretched between the two of you.

“Oh…yes after you.” You step aside and dutifully follow him towards the elevator. A yawn slips out despite your best efforts to hold it in. If you make it through this day, it’ll be a miracle.

Your phone rings with a call from your mother as the elevator descends smoothly to the first floor. You ignore it the first time but the second? The second one you answer. She never calls twice in a row like this unless a crisis is underway.

“Mom? What’s wrong?” You ask, concern heavily laced through your words. Your worry only intensifies as you pick up on small sniffs and hiccups coming from the other end of the line.

She tearfully retells the reason for her emotional phone call. A phone call from the bank holding your parents’ mortgage. According to the bank representative, their mortgage is now all paid up and they should be expecting a certified packaged with the deed to the house in a few business days.

The elevator is cruising past the fifteenth floor while your jaw has already reach the lobby. This can’t be real life. The bank must have made some cruel accounting error. Your mind is already whirling with the different phone calls you’re going to have to make to get to the bottom of this as your mom continues to sob her thanks. It takes several attempts but you finally get her off the phone. Now the real work of solving this dilemma while also fulfilling your work obligations can begin.

“You’re welcome.” You jump as Seokjin speaks out of nowhere. Oftentimes you forget that while his senses aren’t as strong in human form as yours are, he can still hear better than the average human. But that would mean…

“You didn’t.” You accuse with narrowed eyes. The fool next to you apparently has more money than sense if he truly did what he’s claiming.

“Oh, but I did.”

“Well undo it. I don’t have that kind of money. I can’t pay you back.” The elevator dings as the door slide open in the opulent hotel lobby. Seokjin faces straight ahead, striding confidently towards the SUV waiting to deliver the two of you to the palace for another day of panel discussions and seminars.

He faces you for the first time as he waits for the driver to open the car door. “I don’t recall asking to be repaid, Kitty.” The look in his eyes nearly takes your breath away. No one has ever looked at you with this much…sincerity? You can’t really put your finger on exactly what it is you see in his eyes but it makes your gut twist up in knots.

“I can’t-” Your words are cut off by a yawn that refuses to be suppressed. You soon realize that it doesn’t matter anyway because Seokjin has absolutely no plans to listen to your protests.

The man next to you hums in approval when one of the security guards up front lowers the security screen and passes two cups of coffee to Seokjin. Your eyes widen for the hundredth time since you walked out of your hotel room when he hands one of the piping hot cups to you. He winks at you annoyingly before taking a sip of the scalding liquid. It always irks you when he flexes on you like that. Stupid dragons and their stupid immunity to extreme heat. You, on the other hand, have to wait for the coffee to cool off before you can drink it.

“Thank you.” You whisper into your coffee.

“Anything for you, Kitty.”

Surprisingly, the rest of the seminar passes in much of the same fashion. Seokjin continues to do little things here and there to get on your good side. He even shows up for more late night conversations a few times. Each time feels like an episode of The Golden Girls as the two of you laugh and talk about life over hulking slices of cheesecake. You’re still not entirely sure of his motive but it’s not like you’re in the position to turn down his olive branch of friendship. Being his assistant hasn’t left you much time for a social life. You’re so far removed from your old friend groups that you’re not even sure they still consider you their friend at this point.

You’d thought that things would go back to normal when your plane touched down in Verus but Seokjin is only too happy to prove you wrong. He greets you like an old friend during his routine wakeup call the next morning. Warm embrace and all. You stand stiff-armed and in shock until he physically places your arms around his neck. Your mind is frantic as you try to figure out how to respond. Part of you wants to melt into his arms but that’s dangerous territory. That type of thinking could lead to feelings that you can’t afford to feel. A protest is on the tip of your tongue but Seokjin releases you before you can voice it. A genuine smile lights up his face as he takes a step back from you.

“A hug a day keeps the wrinkles away,” He announces as he smooths out your furrowed brow. You weren’t even aware that you were frowning. “and you’re much too pretty for wrinkles so I expect a hug every morning. It’s my royal degree.”

In true Seokjin fashion, he doesn’t give you a chance to argue with him. He simply disappears into the bathroom and hops in the shower. Still in a daze, you set about picking out his suit for the day. You’re going through his accessories looking for a particular set of cufflinks when Seokjin’s voice suddenly sounds from behind you. He’s entirely too close to you if the closeness of his voice is anything to go by. You hadn’t even registered the sound of the shower turning off nor the bathroom door opening. When you turn around to chastise him for scaring you, you fervently wish for a sink hole to open up beneath your feet and send you plummeting towards the Earth’s core.

Seokjin stands before you in all of his freshly showered glory. Hair dripping, skin flushed and damp, and a towel slung dangerously low around his waist. Saliva pools in your mouth at the devastating sight of him. You nearly say fuck the consequences and launch yourself at him but your last ounce of resolve keeps your muscles locked in place.

“Sorry. Forgot my underwear.” The cocky devil in front you reaches for a shelf down by your hip to grab a pair of the overpriced Balenciaga boxer briefs that he’s partial to. He normally keeps a stock of underwear in his bathroom so that he can just get dressed when he comes out but it would appear that isn’t the case for today.

“I’m going to kill him.” You announce to the row of suit jackets by your head. Fists clenched at your sides as you fight for control. Your more primitive side is fighting to get out and answer the sexual challenge that Seokjin has laid before you but the human in you would rather die than give into your animalistic urges and risk everything you’ve worked for. Rational thought must take precedent here.

Jin’s flirtatious demeanor continues throughout the day in the form of random compliments and acts of kindness. A large part of the day is taken up by a mandatory appearance at an outdoor festival with his parents. The sun is shining brightly and Seokjin takes every chance he gets to tell you how you look like a “sun-kissed goddess”. You have an overwhelming urge to smack him every time he opens his mouth to say it. A waitress accidentally spills a drink down your back and he doesn’t hesitate a single second before he’s taking off his blazer to wrap it around your shoulders. A blazer that you know for a fact costs more than your entire monthly salary.

You’re not sure why he’s being so different but you can’t find it within yourself to complain either. Jin, as he now insists that you call him, is a lot more receptive to your instructions which in turn makes your job less of a headache. The constant compliments don’t hurt either. However, it’s when you start to look forward to them every day that you realize that maybe you’re not as immune to him as you’d once thought. Jin picks up on the subtle shift in your attitude as well. You smile more now and it makes his heart do jumping jacks every time. These days his plan of action has taken a back seat and every word out of his mouth is now a genuine effort to get you to bless him with even the smallest of grins.

You can feel Jin’s eyes on you as your fingers fly across the screen of your tablet. He’s inches away from you in the back seat of the SUV currently returning both of you to the palace after a long day of public appearances. Part of you yearns to know what’s going on in that head of his but you don’t want to push him. This…thing between the two of you is strange to say the least. You’ve long accepted that you have less than platonic feelings for him but that pesky employment clause in a mountain in your path. Besides, there’s no way that Jin feels the same way about you. He’s always had a thing for those traditionally beautiful girls that seem to draw people into them with their mere presence. You wish you could say that was you but you know it’s not

“I like you.” Jin interrupts your self-deprecating thoughts as if you had spoken them out loud. Your eyes fly to his, wide open. The shocked expression is identical to the one you’re sure that paints your own face as if that little sentence wasn’t meant to be said aloud.

“What did you just say?” You ask strictly for clarification purposes because there’s no way in hell he just said that.

He takes a deep breath, scooting closer to you. “I like you.”

Your heart leaps into your throat as he repeats himself in a soft voice that is just so unlike the loud, animated man you’re used to. He’s practically folded in on himself as if he’s preparing himself for rejection. You realize then that you weren’t the only one harboring feelings that you thought could never be reciprocated.

His words embolden you to finally act on your own repressed feelings. You completely close the little remaining distance between the two of you, leaning in to whisper in his ear. “I like you too.”

His lanky frame tenses up as he searches your face for any hint of a lie. He’s visibly relieved when he doesn’t find it. Smoke billows out of his nostrils and a shiver of fear runs the length of your spine. You’ve never personally seen a dragon hybrid shift but in all of the movies they always blow smoke out of their noses like this right before they transform into their more powerful form. You’d like to not be intimately pressed against Jin in the back of an SUV if he’s about to turn into a twenty-foot beast.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to shift.” Jin assures you and at this point you’re convinced that he’s reading your mind. “Dragon hybrids do this whenever we feel extreme emotion.”

You nod in understanding but you move over a few inches just in case while he cracks his window to air the car out. A small squeal totally unbefitting the unflappable persona that you’ve carefully crafted escapes you when Jin suddenly unhooks your seatbelt and lifts you into his lap. He tugs your iPad away from you with a sudden show of strength, carelessly tossing it to the floorboards on what was your side of the car.

When he runs his nose along the column of your neck, your breath seizes up in your chest. You want this. God, you really, really want this but you know that it’s against the rules. Losing this cushy position would be devastating in more ways than one. It’s with a heavy heart that you not so effortlessly extricate yourself from Jin’s grasp to slide off his lap.

Your apparent rejection stings if his hurt facial expression is anything to go by. As you reach down for your iPad, you purposefully avoid his prying gaze. You know that if you look into his eyes you’ll break. Jin has other plans as he gently cups your jaw, turning you to face him. The warm chocolate of his eyes somehow calms you while also kicking your pulse into overdrive. You’ve never met a man who had such a dizzying effect on you before.

“Let me in, Kitty.” You’re not sure when his face had gotten so close to yours but his full lips just barely graze yours with every word. A frustrated growl rumbles in your chest as you lurch forward before jerking yourself back. You shouldn’t be doing this.

“Please, I can’t go on without knowing what kissing you is like. Even if it’s only once.” His voice is gruff. Hands gripping your waist as if you’re the one thing keeping him grounded.

Fuck it.

Smoke clouds around the two of you once more as your lips dance the timeless waltz of lovers. His tongue slips into your mouth with ease. His lips are gentle yet insistent as they move against yours. In that moment, you know that this is what it’s like to fly.

Seokjin curses as he powers through one last set of bicep curls. The heavy barbell in his hand drops to the floor with a loud bang that seems to echo around the room. His eyes burn from the sweat that’s pouring off of him but he doesn’t even bother to wipe his face. Instead, he opts to just push his hair away from his forehead and keep it moving.

He would normally take this cool off period to admire his progress in the mirrors that line one wall but he can’t even bring himself to look at his own reflection right now. He turns one of the treadmills so that it’s facing a non-reflective surface and hops on, cranking it up as fast as he can handle. His chest feels tight thought it’s not from a lack of air but rather it’s the heavy weight of guilt constricting his lungs.

Kissing you hadn’t been on his list of things to do today. Neither was spilling his guts in your lap about his feelings either. The words had burst forth before he could even think about stopping them. Seokjin couldn’t help the small smile that curved the corners of his lips at the memory of you confessing that you felt the same way.

His smile becomes a frown when that gnawing sense of guilt eats at him again. He’d documented the kiss in his log out of habit. It had just become routine for him to write down every little interaction that could be deemed less than appropriate. He pushes himself faster on the treadmill. His heart yearns for you to be his without the cloud of his false pretenses looming over him. Seokjin had originally thought that kissing you would be torture because he’d never be able to get enough and he was right. What he didn’t anticipate is that he’d feel this bad about it.

His mind wanders back to that incriminating document on his laptop. He doesn’t really know why he still has it or why he still updates it. Seokjin gave up on his plan to get Kitty fired a while ago but this weird relationship that’s not quite a relationship could end tomorrow if you wanted it to and he’d rather not rely on his own memories to remember you. The mere thought of you finding out his secret makes him physically ill. He lurches from the treadmill, collapsing into a heap on the floor. He’s fucked and royally so. Pun intended.

The days seem to blur together as time goes by. As he’d expected, Seokjin finds it damn near impossible to keep his hands and lips to himself. You’ve given up on wearing lipstick at this point. It’s practically become routine for him to lift you into his lap and attach his lips to yours the second the door of the SUV is shut behind him.

Today is no different. The driver hasn’t even made it back into his seat yet and Jin’s hands are already on you. Normally, you’re just sat across both of his legs but apparently, that’s not doing it for him anymore. He positions your knees on either side of his body as he does his absolute best to ruin you. Your pencil skirt is bunched up around the tops of your thighs just barely covering your lower half.

The shock wears off in the time it takes for the driver to put the car in drive. Your fingers are buried in his hair, tugging at the soft strands when he forces your hips to rock against his own. The bulge in his slacks brushes perfectly against your clit on every roll of your hips against his lap. He swallows your moans greedily, refusing to detach your lips from his. The car hits a bump in the road that causes the two of you to bounce a bit and results in your hips coming down with enough force to have you biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. Jin is unfazed. Instead, he thrusts his upwards in time with the continuous rocking motion of your hips. The rising pressure in your nether regions indicating that you’re teetering on the edge of an orgasm snaps you out of the sexual haze he’s dragged you into.

“Stop.”

Though it’s the last thing he wants to do, Seokjin ceases all movement at your whispered command. You escape from his lap and put as much distance as you possibly can between you and the virile man next to you. Your fingers shakily redo the buttons on your blouse. You don’t even know when they’d come undone in the first place. The iPad that’s normally glued to your hand is nowhere to be found. After a few minutes of desperate searching, you find it has slid under your seat and into the trunk area of the SUV. Jin lets out a pained groan at the sight of your perky ass in the air when you lean over the back of the seat to reach your device.

You’re all business when you return to a seated position. If it weren’t for the fact that there’s a few strands of hair that’s been tugged out of your bun there’d be no way to tell you’d just been engaged in a heated make out session in the backseat of a car. A few coughs to clear your throat has you back to normal so you launch into a breakdown of an upcoming conference that the two of you will be attending in a few short days. Jin had forgotten all about the small healthcare summit. He hates that he has to attend these things but if it means getting uninterrupted he’ll gladly suffer through whatever hell is in store for them.

Seokjin has his ear pressed against the door connecting your room to his listening to you move around as you get ready for bed. He’d been ecstatic when you’d arrived at the hotel to find that the hotel had messed up the room reservation in such a manner. It felt like the universe was rewarding him for some good deed. He feels like such a creep right now though as he practically strains his ears to pick up on every little sound you make. His normal confident demeanor has deserted him just as it has the two previous nights. This is his last chance to finally buck up and make his move. With one final mental shove, he raises his fist to gently knock on the door.

His lungs practically collapse when you open the door. There’s no sight that he loves more than you in your after hours state clad in the baggy sweatshirts and tiny shorts combo he’s learned that you favor. Your hair released from the strict bun you wear daily per palace guidelines. Face free of makeup and exposing the small beauty mark on your top lip. Nothing could make it better except for maybe the smile currently stretching across your face.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to finally knock. I guess third time really is the charm, huh?” Shit how did you know that he’s been wussing out like some kind of coward every night? Must be a panther thing. At least he hopes it’s a panther thing because it would be really creepy otherwise.

“I-uh” Jin finds himself suddenly at a loss for words. He’d planned out exactly how he’d wanted this to go but now that you’re in front of him he’s at a loss.

“Relax, babe. I only bite on request.” Jin feels himself melt at the way your tongue teasingly pokes out between your teeth. He doesn’t protest being dragged into your room, shutting the door behind him.

“So, what’s up? It’s getting late and we have to be up early tomorrow.” You continue moving around the room laying out your clothes for tomorrow and going over tomorrow’s itinerary one final time.

“That’s actually what I wanted to ask you about.” Jin trails off as he tries to carefully choose his words in his head before saying them. You arch an eyebrow in question when you face him, taking in the way he’s nervously rubbing at the back of his neck. Your heart softens at the sight.

Jin’s eyes are trained on his feet with embarrassment because of his inability to collect his thoughts around you. He hears rather than sees you approach him; therefore, missing the loving smile on your face. Your arms snake around his slender waist, cheek resting against his firm chest. His own arms find their way around your shoulders as he breathed in the scent of your shampoo. Holding you like this will never get old for him and he’s reluctant to let go so he doesn’t.

“Can I sleep here tonight? With you.” He mumbles into the top of your head.

“Only if you give me a kiss first.” Jin can’t help but to laugh at the cute way you tilt your head back, full lips puckered up and demanding to be kissed. He’s quick to oblige your request.

Neither of you are really sure how, but what was a playful kiss mean to calm his nerves escalates into something much more. Your clothes and his fall soon litter the floor as you hastily undress each other. Jin’s lips only detach themselves from yours long enough to remove your sweatshirt. His own shirt doesn’t receive the same standard of care as he opts to rip the plain white tee down the middle instead.

His erection presses against your abdomen as he walks you backwards to the bed. Your hands wander the broad planes of shoulder blades as he blesses you with his weight. He encourages your legs to wrap around his waist, hips grinding against your own. The engorged head of his erection sends shockwaves of pleasure shooting through you until you're sure that you're teetering on the edge of insanity.

Euphoria spreads through your bloodstream when Jin finally begins inching his way inside you. He bottoms out with a grunt, sucking on your collarbone. His fingers slide up your arms, interlocking with yours as he pins your hands next to your head. Pressure is rapidly building in your gut with each purposeful grind of his hips. It's not long before you're tumbling over the edge with Jin following closely behind you.

You brush Jin's sweaty fringe away from his forehead. You can feel his lips curve into a smile against his chest when you sweetly kiss his forehead. He tightens his arms around you before rolling off to the side. The loss of his body heat makes sure shiver. You immediately turn to cuddle into his side, whining when he detaches your arms from his torso.

“Go pee.” Seokjin instructs with finality as he rolls you towards the edge of the bed. “Vaginal health is important.”

“Well you’re gonna have to carry me because I can’t exactly feel my legs right now.”

“With pleasure, my dear.” He rounds the bed and lifts you into his arms. He rambles the whole time about how this is totally contradictory to every fairytale ever.

You shut him up with a kiss when you’re both settled under the covers. He kisses your nose once, twice, three times before you finally shove him away from you and turn your back to him. Jin pulls you flush against him, leaving a lingering kiss on your shoulder. Sleep draws his eyes closed faster than he would like. He’d intended to truly savor the moment before travelling to dream land.

A pleasant soreness flares in your limbs as you stretch in the warm rays of the morning sun shining through the curtains. Jin grumbles out a protest at all your movement. His arms flail around lazily as he tries to restrict any further movement. You melt against him and allow yourself a few more minutes of solace wrapped in Jin’s strong arms. It’s when your third and final alarm goes off that you force yourself out of his grip and push him towards his own room.

He goes grudgingly and even puts up a fight at the door. The scaly bastard refuses to even touch the door knob until you give him a kiss. You attempt to scold him for being difficult but the amused grin that you try so hard to hide makes an appearance anyway, effectively negating your words. Of course, he takes advantage of the situation and turns what was meant to be a quick peck to get his ass in gear into a full make-out session. It takes all of your will power to separate yourself from him so that the two of you can finally get dressed but you manage somehow.

As per usual, you are showered and dressed faster than his royal slowness next door. You’ve committed the day’s itinerary to memory but you decide to check it again just to be sure you’re aware of every closing event Jin needs to attend. After inputting your passcode, you expect for your home screen to appear on your tablet but nothing happens. Your heart seizes in your chest and you immediately feel bereft. Trying to function without your tablet would be like asking you to fly and unlike Jin you are unable to sprout wings and take to the skies.

“No, no, no don’t do this to me now.” You exclaim as your beloved iPad doesn’t respond at all to your frantic stabs at the screen. No matter what you do it won’t unfreeze. You panic as your brain runs through your options. Diddly squat is what your brain conjures up as a solution. You can’t function without the summit itinerary and your tablet is holding it hostage.

Just then, you remember that you emailed a copy of it to Jin right after you’d received it from the Council after confirming Jin’s attendance. Thanks to your feline reflexes you’re across the room and flinging open the connecting door in a flash. You breathe a sigh of relief when you spot his laptop charging on his bedside table. However, that relief is short-lived when you realize that you have no idea what his password is. The sound of roaring water tells you he’s in the shower so you’re on your own. If Jin is anything he is vain and predictable so it shouldn’t be too hard to guess his password. When the sleek machine accepts PrinceJin1 on your second attempt you can’t help the small smile that lifts the corners of your lips.

The screen opens up to the word document he’d last been working on. With any hope, it’s his speech for the royal banquet next week but knowing him he’ll blow it off and pull something out of his ass on the spot. You’re about to minimize it to open the browser when a sentence in the middle of the page catches your eye.

3/20 – Kissed Kitty in the SUV on the way back to the palace

Your lungs seize up as you scroll through the extensive document. Every kiss. Every touch. Every whispered word is documented up until a few weeks ago. When you reach the top only to see the words Operation: RIP Kitty, it’s all you can do to hold back the tears threatening to burst forth. Your thoughts are a frantic, jumbled mess as they buzz around your brain like a hoard of frenzied bees. The sound of the shower turning off doesn’t even register until Jin is stepping out of the bathroom in a towel. The sight of his bare torso glistening with drops of water would normally melt you into a pool of whimpering desire but now all you feel is pure rage. His heart sinks when he sees you seated on the edge of his hotel bed holding his laptop in a death grip.

“I can explain.” He feels physically sick when you level your gaze at him. Looking into your eyes is one of his favorite things to do in the world but right now he wishes that you would look anywhere but at him.

He’s always said that you’re scariest when you’re angry but now he realizes that’s not true. Anger is an emotion. One he’s learned to deal with from you over the time he’s known you. You’re an open book and have never been shy about expressing your emotions so the fact that you’re now purposefully reigning that in to show this blank mask that’s on your face now shakes him to his core.

“I’ve always thought your brain was underdeveloped and this just confirms it.” You state calmly as you set the laptop back on the table where you’d found it.

“Babe,” You cringe outwardly at his use of such an endearing term. “I know this looks bad but-”

“Save it, Seokjin. I don’t need an explanation from you nor do I particularly want one.” He flinches at your harsh tone as you rise from your spot on his bed. Panthers are warm-blooded animals but your words are frosty. He hasn’t heard his full name come you’re your mouth in weeks and hearing it just now made him ache in a strange way.

Jin closes his eyes as you make your way back to your room. The sight of you walking away from him is more than he can take. He flinches at the sound of the door slamming shut. The finality of it sends a sharp pain shooting through his chest that nearly brings him to his knees.

He tries throughout the day to explain himself, but you are having none of it. You barely cast even a glance in his direction unless it’s absolutely necessary to do so. Sure, you make nice for appearances but your smile never reaches your eyes. Your irises that normally capture and mold rays of light into shooting stars look flat and lifeless. It kills him to know that he did that.

The next morning, Seokjin is already awake when you come to wake him up. Not that he ever actually went to sleep in the first place. Your jaw is set as your eyes look him up and down contemptuously. He’s on his feet in an instant, reaching out for you. The hiss you let out as you snatch away from him feels like a stab to the heart. Your eyes are glowing that tell-tale golden hue of your inner panther.

“Touch me again and I’ll rip your throat out. Crown be damned.” Your words are clipped and slurred as your teeth lengthen to their feline length. He’s never seen you lack this much control over yourself but it’s not like he can blame you. He broke your heart and he’s come to realize that he’s broken his own in the process.

Seokjin drags himself to the shower. The sound of the rushing water almost completely masks the sounds of his sobbing but you hear him anyway as you lay out his suit for today. You shove your fist in your mouth to keep from falling down the same rabbit hole. You’re absolutely miserable but the person you would normally go to for comfort is the cause of your anguish.

If Seokjin had thought you were frigid before, he’s sure that modern scientists haven’t even discovered temperatures as cold as the vibes you’re giving off now. When the two of you returned to Verus he had halfway expected for you to resign. That would’ve been so easy. At least then he wouldn’t have to look at you every day and be reminded of how stupid he’d been. He wouldn’t have to be reminded of the fact that he’d lost the best thing that ever happened to him through his own idiocy. But no one pays better than the palace so you need this job and he knows it.

Losing you has affected Seokjin in every aspect of his life. He can’t eat. He barely sleeps. It’s a struggle to face the world every day. A week and a half into your freeze out and Seokjin is ready to launch himself off a cliff. He normally looks forward to Sundays as they are his only free days but now? Now he rejects the laziness of the day. At least when he’s got a schedule packed full of appearances and other princely duties he has something other than his own misery to focus on.

“So, when are you and that assistant of your going to kiss and make up?” Seokjin freezes with his glass of apple juice resting against his bottom lip at his father’s question. Guessing that he’s been in a funk is one thing but there’s no way that his parents could possibly know what’s been going on between the two of you. He carefully sets his glass down, contemplating the best response.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, father.” Seokjin answers coyly. His eyes get impossibly wider when his mother snorts in response.

They know. He’s not sure how or when they found out but they know. It had to have been recently because they would’ve definitely fired you already if they’d known before now. His heart skips a few beats as he considers what this means for you. The King and Queen have always been sticklers for the rules. They hardly ever make exceptions for anyone, including their only son. Yet, he still readies himself for battle. He couldn’t save your heart but the least he can do is save your job.

“You think we don’t know what goes on around here? The palace is still just a house.” His mother remarks after a spoonful of yogurt. Seokjin hangs his head.

“How long have you known?” He asks woefully.

“Hmm, how long would you say it’s been, sweetheart?” His father asks of his mother. Had he been in a more positive state of mind, Seokjin may have picked up on the lighthearted tone in the King’s voice.

“At least a month, darling.” His head snaps up incredulously. His parents have known for an entire month that he’s been sneaking around with you and yet they said nothing? Not a single word?

“Why didn’t you say anything? I thought this was against some stupid rule?”

“It is, dear.” His mother chimes in. “We wanted her gone the second we found out but then we saw just how much you seemed to blossom. You were happy and it showed.” She reaches across the table to take her son’s hand in hers, stroking her thumb across his knuckles.

“We’re your parents before we’re monarchs and we just couldn’t take that kind of joy away from you.” Seokjin feels like he’s about to choke on the knot in his throat. Unfortunately, their words of acceptance are too little too late. You want absolutely nothing to do with him and now and he can’t even blame you.

“Plus, she’s the only assistant that could keep your chaotic ass in line. We would’ve been fools to fire her.” The king lets out a rumbling belly laugh at his own “joke”. Seokjin almost cracks a smile along with him. Almost.

“That’s because she’s terrifying but I liked it. Loved it even.” This is the first time that Seokjin has admitted the true depth of his feelings out loud. His already shattered heart cracks just a little more at the thought of his first love despising him.

“Go to her son.” His mother’s urging prompts a small huff of laughter from Seokjin but there’s not a shred of humor in it whatsoever. He tilts his head up towards the ornate ceiling of the dining room, doing his best to keep the tears at bay.

“I can’t do that.” He whispers thickly as he slowly pulls his hand from his mother’s warm embrace. “Going through that type of rejection twice might actually kill me.”

Seokjin excuses himself from the table politely. He wanders around aimlessly until he finds himself in one of the many palace gardens. A swear falls from his lips as he realizes that he’s ended up in the millennium garden. Gardenias of all kinds had been carefully curated and arranged into this breathtaking display to commemorate the millennium mark of his family’s rule. You’d mentioned once that out of all the palace gardens this one was your favorite. According to you, the air smelled sweeter here.

Smoke pours from his nostrils and he suddenly feels like he’s suffocating. His jeans and sweatshirt are a thing of the past as twenty feet of scales and fire take the place of the man that had stood at the edge of this garden. Seokjin can’t even remember the last time he’d been able to shift. It always seemed like he never had the time to revel in this form. He heaves a mental sigh of relief as he stretches out his wings and takes to the sky. The citizens far beneath him are probably taking to the streets to witness the rare sight of his midnight black form slicing through the sky.

He’s not sure where he’s going, just letting the wind beneath his wings steer him through the clouds. The Traiya mountain range looms closer and closer and for a second he contemplates letting himself crash into the rocky mountain face. That thought is squashed as quickly as it pops up. In its place, his parents’ words play on repeat. Go to her. If only he could. He doesn’t miss the way you look physically distressed every time you’re in the same room with him as if his mere presence makes you sick.

Seokjin lands in a clearing at the base of the mountain range. He shifts back to his biped form so as not to scare the wildlife and ventures into the forest in front of him. His eyes drift closed after he drops to the ground beneath a large oak tree. A small creek cuts its way through the earth. The sounds of the forest around him soothe the ache in chest even if only a little bit.

When he opens his eyes again, he notices a squirrel scouring the branches of a tree off to his right for nuts. Most of the wildlife has vacated this part of the forest after sensing Seokjin’s presence but this squirrel is on a mission that no dragon will prevent him from carrying out. The small animal seems to be inspecting each one he happens across until he finds the perfect one. Seokjin is intrigued by the picky, little rodent. So many suitable acorns and yet the squirrel passes them by after quick sniff. He walks along several branches before he finally finds one that makes him pause. Seokjin calls upon his enhanced vision and he’s shocked to see that the acorn the squirrel has set his picky sights on really isn’t all that special. He’s passed up bigger, surely more satisfying, acorns on his quest to find this one. Plus, his nut of choice looks to be slightly out of reach. That doesn’t deter the tiny rodent in the least.

Seokjin watches with rapt attention as the determined squirrel tries its hardest to grab the acorn it has its sights set on. The small animal keeps trying and trying to the point that Seokjin is contemplating getting up to get the damn acorn for it just to save the poor animal the trouble. No sooner has he shifted to stand something damn near miraculous happens. The squirrel’s outstretched class finally grip the acorn in their clutches. It tucks the nut in its cheeks before darting off to God only knows where not realizing that it has just shifted Seokjin’s entire world view.

“Well I’ll be damned.” He says out loud to the quiet forest around him.

Your heart is racing like a speeding bullet train as your feet carry you towards Seokjin’s door. You have always prided yourself on being an unwavering, unflappable force but that girl is nowhere to be found. Today, you’re a girl with everything to lose. Your heart is on the line now and you doubt that the tape you’d put on the deep fissures snaking through your will hold if this conversation doesn’t go well.

As you knock on the door, you still don’t really know what you’re doing here. When Jin had texted you quite literally begging for a few minutes of your time, you’d turned him down without a second thought. You were convinced that you didn’t want to hear anything he had to say and yet here you are.

Seokjin flings open the door before your arm has even had time to return to your side. After years of being his right hand you can tell when he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s nervous. You easily pick out each of his tells with ease as you observe him quietly, starting with the tips of ears that have turned an astonishing shade of red.

“You came.” He breathes out almost in disbelief. Seokjin looks disheveled to put it lightly and in some twisted way it makes you happy that you’re not the only one that’s been suffering since what happened.

“I told you I would.” You answer lowly. He nods, stepping aside to let you into his room.

The normally immaculate space is a mess with pieces of paper covering seemingly every available surface. You take a glance at a few of them to see various versions of what looks like a letter. A letter of apology at that. You take a deep, ragged breath as you turn back to face him. Seokjin almost looks small as he wrings his hands together.

“I was-…I tried to put my thoughts on paper but everything was just…” He trails off once more as his thumb nail becomes trapped between his teeth. You yearn to gently smooth out the wrinkles in his forehead. But you’re not about to let him sense that the soft spot you’d developed for him is still intact. If he wants your forgiveness – forgiveness that you’re still not sure you’re interested in giving – then he’s going to have to work for it. Hard.

He clears off a chair for you to sit on so you carefully perch yourself on the edge of it. Your confusion shoots through the roof when Seokjin kneels at your feet. You’ve never seen him kneel for anyone ever. Part of you wants to make him get up just to make this awkward feeling go away but he starts speaking before you can say anything.

“I’m a gigantic dumbass.” Prince Seokjin? Admitting he’s wrong? Those two phrases have never been uttered in such close proximity before because Seokjin is never wrong. It’s always someone else’s fault. To hear him taking accountability for his disastrous choices is actually terrifying. He must be feverish or something.

Before you can stop yourself, you touch the back of your hand to his forehead. His face is flushed but he’s not running a fever. You check his cheeks just to be sure. He leans into your touch, eyes drifting shut. Your breath catches in your throat at how vulnerable he looks like this. The urge to softly stroke his cheek is too strong for you to resist. His hand is warm around your wrist when he detaches your hand from his face.

“I have a hard enough time thinking around you as it.” He offers as an explanation. Your face must have been a picture of confusion. “I don’t want to mess this up again.”

As promised, you hear him out. He keeps expecting you to interrupt him as he lays everything out on the table but you don’t say a word. You sit primly on the edge of the chair with your hands neatly folded. He’s not even really sure you’re listening from the way your eyes are unfocused and seemingly staring at nothing but your facial expressions give you away. Your features move through a myriad of different emotions as Seokjin exposes his sins. You remain silent even after he finishes. Fear seizes in his heart as your face is wiped clean just as it was on the day you first learned of his transgressions.

“Please say something.” He begs. He reaches out a hand to touch your own but stops midair when your hone in on his hand as if it’s a direct threat to your physical safety. Seokjin quickly retracts his would be olive branch. It’s quiet a few moments more before you finally speak up.

“Was any of it real?” You question accusingly. He opens his mouth to say every single second with you was real but that’s a lie and he’s in deep shit as it. Better to tell the truth than to dig himself into an even deeper whole.

“At first, no but when we went to that summit in Aurlena I was so focused on finding your soft spots that I didn’t realize I was falling for all of your little intricacies until it was too late.” Jin pauses to gauge your response but you say nothing. Your eyes are actually focused on his face now though so he takes that as a positive sign and soldier on.

“It wasn’t even extravagant gestures that I fell for. It was the small smile you do every time you talk about something your passionate about. It was the way your nose scrunches up when you’re thinking. It was the way you go out of your way to help others even if they don’t notice or even appreciate what you’re doing.”

Your mouth opens as if you have something you want to say but Seokjin is on a roll that cannot be stopped. He raises a single finger as he continues his spiel.

“I don’t know much but what I do know is that somewhere in the process of all this bullshit I fell in love with you. And I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me after everything I’ve done but I just needed to tell you this.”

“Even after everything you did, I think I love you too and I can’t fucking stand that.” You rise from the chair, arms wrapped around yourself as if you’re trying to hold your emotions together. Seokjin follows behind you like a lost puppy to the large bay windows that take up most of one wall.

“Doesn’t matter how I feel anyway though. I need this job more than I need a relationship and, unfortunate as it may be, I can’t have both. We’ve been pushing our luck with getting caught and I can’t keep putting my work at risk like this.”

“I could take care of you. I’m sure that you’re well aware that I’m rich.”

“I’m not some trophy wife that you can just throw money at to keep happy. I’m glad that we had this talk but I’m leaving now.” Seokjin nearly combusts into flames then and there. You infuriate him to no end. Here he is laying his heart and his money at your feet and you’d still rather throw yourself on a dagger out of some goddamn sense of pride. It makes his head spin.

“If I could work out a way for you to have both, would you do it.” Seokjin asks just as you reach the door. The short hesitation before you answer gives him hope for something good.

“Maybe.” With that final parting word, you slip out into the hallway.

A week crawls by and Seokjin doesn’t breathe a word about whatever plan he’s concocting this time. The thought of what he could possibly come up with in that wild brain of his is almost scary. You still perform your duties as his assistant flawlessly but he does his best to trip you up. A whispered compliment here. A hand that lingers just a fraction to long there. If his plan is to drive you insane so that he can have you relieved of your position due to mental incapacitation, then he’s pretty damn close to succeeding.

It’s on the twelfth day, a balmy Sunday, that it all comes to a head. You always get Sundays off so you usually take the day to head to your hometown of Alladin, a small township just short of an hour outside of the capital city. You’re in the kitchen helping your mother make lunch when your phone vibrates in your back pocket. A quick peek at the screen shows a message from Seokjin asking you to stop by his room when you return to the palace. You’re instantly suspicious of what it is he could possibly want on a Sunday evening but he’s still your boss so you tap out a quick reply confirming that you’ll pop in later.

It’s nearly ten o’clock when your fist knocks softly on Seokjin’s door. He calls out to you from somewhere inside to come in. You poke your head in the door to see him lounging in bed, scrolling through Netflix, hand shoved down the front of his pants for no real reason. He says something smart about letting all his “good air conditioning out” so you step all the way into the room and close the door.

“I had your employment contract redrawn. HR said you’ll have to switch positions but I was able to get you a four dollar raise as a consolation prize for not being able to work for me anymore. It’s on the table if you want to look at it.” You roll your eyes at his foolishness, venturing further into his inner sanctum. Thankfully, it’s a lot cleaner than it was the last time you were here. You really hope he recycled all of that paper though. You find the stack of papers you’re assuming is your new contract on the small end table next to his armchair.

“Jin,” You whisper almost unintelligibly. The papers in your hand drift back down to the table you’d picked them up from. “This is an application for a marriage license not an employment contract.”

You flip around only to get the shock of your life. For the second time, Seokjin is knelt before you. The sparkling diamond nestled in the tiny velvet box makes this time so much more significant. You hadn’t really believed him when he’d told you that you were it for him. It just couldn’t be true. You’re just a college dropout trying to be a good daughter by taking care of her parents. There’s nothing special that could’ve enraptured a man like Seokjin and yet he somehow found something in you that you’d never been able to see yourself.

“I’m a jerk. I’m impulsive. I leave my dirty underwear on the bathroom floor. I’m selfish. But I’m also hopelessly in love with you and everything you are. I don’t deserve you. I probably never will but I’m willing to spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of being yours.”

Tears stream freely down your face. This insufferable pain in the ass has really wormed his way into your heart instead and, as much as he infuriates you, you wouldn’t have it any other way. You love this man. As much as you tried to deny it, you are head over heels for the fire-breathing menace in front of you.

“Give me my ring, loser.” Jin chokes on a huff of laughter before carefully sliding the ring onto your finger.

The second it’s sitting securely on your finger, you pounce on him with all the ferocity befitting your hybrid species. It’s like crashing into a brick wall when your body collides with Seokjin’s but you don’t care. You need to be close to him and you refuse to wait a single second longer. He lifts you off of your feet as he stands from his kneeling position and carries you to his bed.

Your lips cover his for the first time in weeks. Both of you simultaneously groan in satisfaction at the feeling. You’d almost forgotten just how much you loved kissing him. Your back meets the coolness of his sheets when he carefully lays you out on his mattress. His plush lips move along your jaw, finding that sensitive spot just below your ear. He sucks and bites at the skin there as you cling to his shoulders.

Seokjin nestles himself between your legs. The zipper on his jeans looks like it could give way at any second as his erection strains to be set free. He grinds against our soaked center repeatedly. You rake your nails down the front of his button-down shirt until it hangs loose around his frame. He quickly sheds the now useless garment before treating your clothes to the same fate. Soon all that remains between the two of you are the tiny pair of red lace panties you’d put on as a confidence booster this morning. They match the bra that Seokjin has already shredded so you’re surprised when instead of ripping your panties as well he chooses to leave them on you.

His lips leave no inch of skin untouched as he kisses his way down your torso. He pauses to swirl his tongue in your navel before blowing a puff of air on your skin. The shiver that courses down your spine brings a cocky grin to your face. That grin only grows when his eyes take in the way that your back arches after he flattens his tongue against your covered heat. The lace of your panties is so thin that you can barely tell it’s there when he flicks his tongue against your engorged clit. The fabric adds just that extra little bit of friction that has you seeing stars early.

Your fingers bury themselves in the thick, black strands atop his head and he welcomes the way you tug at his roots. He continues to slowly flick his tongue along your outer lips but it’s soon becoming not enough. After a few desperate pleas, Seokjin finally rids you of your panties to eat you out like he means it. He brings you to the brink of insanity with his tongue and shoves you over the edge with a final expert flick of his tongue. You’ve never been able to come from oral that didn’t involve fingering of some sort but as usual Seokjin shows you that there’s more than one way to make a cat purr.

He finds himself being dragged back up to your mouth as your greedy lips cover his once more. You can taste yourself on his tongue and it’s a heady mixture that has a fresh wave of arousal washing over you. Your inner muscles clench around nothing and you’re aching to be filled but there’s something that you’ve been wanting to do since that fated day when you’d walked in on him with Camille.

Seokjin is aware of the fact that as a hybrid you’re a lot stronger than the average woman but he still finds himself full of surprise when you flip him on his back as if he weighed nothing. He growls low in his throat when you grab his thick erection in your fist, squeezing him tight just how he likes it.

“I want you to fuck my face.” His eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets at your bold request. Far be it for him to deny you anything you ask of him though.

He obediently gathers your hair into a ponytail and guides your head towards his waiting erection. He thrusts are shallow at first but he slowly starts picking up speed. The gagging sounds bubbling up from your throat every time he bottoms out are threatening to do him in. Your arms snake up his torso, fingers flicking at his nipples as you hold yourself down on his cock. Seokjin is surprised by his own orgasm when you swallow around him. He cums long and hard down your throat and you swallow every drop. You keep working him with your mouth until he’s squirming beneath you from oversensitivity.

You soon find yourself trapped under Seokjin’s larger frame with your thighs pressed so tightly to your chest that your ass is no longer touching the mattress. It’s in this position that he decides to bury his face between your legs. You can do nothing but feel as he explores your drenched folds with his tongue. The warm wet muscles flickers rapidly against your clit and all you can do is take it. You can’t jerk your hips away from his face like you want to. Can’t grind your hips against his face like you want to. Can’t arch your back in pleasure like you want to. You’re totally and completely at the mercy of Seokjin’s talented mouth. Black spots dance before your vision as the pressure in your abdomen reaches its boiling point.

Jin rubs soothing circles in your thighs after he releases your legs. You pull him down to you for a kiss. An odd sense of pride spreads through your chest at the feeling of something warm and hard resting against your pelvic bone. Apparently, you weren’t the only one enjoying the way he just feasted on you like a starving man. You shift your hips so that he’s pressed against your center, relishing in the deep groan he lets out as he licks and sucks at your skin at random.

He rocks against you, coating himself in your wetness. His hardened cock is covered in an unholy mixture of his precum and your juices. You’re on the verge of begging him to put it in already – totally over his teasing – when he buries himself inside you on the next rock of his agile hips. The feeling of finally being one with him again feels much more overwhelming this time around. You suspect it may have something to do with the rock weighing down your left hand. Regardless of the reason, you feel dangerously close to another orgasm just one stroke in and, judging from the way Jin has frozen inside of you, you’re not the only one. Curses fall freely from his lips as he waxes poetic about how wet and tight you are around him.

You lift your hips to meet his every thrust when he finally starts to move until he’s moving too fast for you to keep up. He pauses his movements to sit up and lift your legs so that your ankles are resting on his shoulders. The change in position allows him to slam into your g spot with every forward movement. He can tell you’re close by the way your inner muscles spasm around him with increasing frequency. The soft look in Jin’s eyes is a striking contrast to the pounding of his hips against yours. Everything you feel for him is mirrored in his irises and it only serves to push you closer to your climax. You grit your teeth and try to hold your orgasm off because you don’t want this moment to end. Jin doesn’t exactly give you a choice in the matter as he makes you come undone with a flick of his thumb against your clit. He follows you into ecstasy moments later with a growl that you really wish you had been able to record as, head thrown back.

Jin lets your legs down for the second time today and moves as if he’s about to pull out. You hastily wrap your legs around his waist, locking your ankles at the small of his back to keep him inside you for as long as possible. He flashes you a tired grin that makes your heart flip flop in your chest as he gathers you in his arms to turn you both on your sides. The sound of his laughter fills the air when you swat at him for blowing rings of smoke in your face.

“So where do we go from here?” You ask, breaking the pleasant silence that had settled over the two of you.

“I’m thinking the shower.” He starts as he drags a hand through his sweaty locks. He even has the audacity to look taken aback when you flick him on the nose like a disobedient hound.

“That’s not what I meant you overgrown snake with wings.” Seokjin pouts. Still rubbing at his nose but you don’t relent. You like having a solid plan for everything you do in life and you’re not about to make an exception for him.

“Well for one, you’re fired. I wasn’t actually able to get your employment contract redrawn which is bullshit because I’m the goddamn prince but my mother is on the board of an ass load of charities and all that other good philanthropy stuff and is only too happy to have you join her.”

The implications of what Jin just said smacks you in the face like a ton of bricks. Sure, it solves your initial problem of not wanting to be some trophy wife but not having your job anymore revives the issue that forced you to get this job in the first place. No job means no paycheck. No paycheck means you can’t afford to pay your dad’s medical bills.

Jin can see the hamster wheel in your head spinning at an astonishing speed. He doesn’t have to be able to read your thoughts to know exactly what they pertain to. Despite your rough exterior, you have a massive heart and will sacrifice yourself for the well-being of others. A noble trait but he can foresee it being annoying in the future.

“Before you go too far down the rabbit hole, I would also like to say that both of your parents have been enrolled in the royal healthcare plan so you won’t have to worry about your father nor your mother in that regard anymore.”

There are really no words to how much you love this man right now. None whatsoever.

“You’re still in charge of picking out my suits thought. You have vision and I don’t trust anyone else to dress me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” The kiss that you’d intended to be soft and sweet takes an intense turn. Getting a bit more dirty before you shower can’t hurt.

#btssmutclub #hyunglinenetwork #btswritersguild #bts smut #kim seokjin #seokjin x reader #bts hybrid #dragon seokjin #panther reader #bts scenario #bts fanfiction

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shestillhasherquill · 6 years ago

Text

One Thousand, Four Hundred and Forty Minutes

Here's my contribution for @csmarchmadness. Thanks @xemmaloveskillianx for giving me a chance to write this doctor's AU. It's purely based on my many years of watching Grey's Anatomy, and a little bit of help from Google. So the errors are on me, and my lack of adequate research. Also, I tried a different writing style - which is to be more funny and less, ugh, dramatic and angsty and I'm not entirely happy with the result. So don't hate on me.

Summary: A day in the life of Attendings Dr. Jones and Dr. Swan, as they navigate their upcoming parenthood, their patients and their past.

Words: ~11.5K

Warnings: Mentions of past Alcoholism, Minor Character Death, my writing

AO3/FF.net

“Are you sure you want to start work again, love?” Killian meets Emma’s eyes in the mirror as he fiddles with his tie. She is sitting on their bed in her bra and her work pants, on but unbuttoned, the very picture of sexy and lazy, her now empty cereal bowl on the bed next to her.

Emma smiles at him, hoping that she looks reassuring. She knows where his concern is coming from, but there’s only so long she can stay in bed. “I have patients who need me. I’ve taken a week off already, because you and Ruby tag-teamed against me. But babe, I can’t watch another true crime documentary. I’m going stir crazy. ” Her eyes widen to emphasise her point, making Killian huff, his expression twisting into faux-sympathy, brows drawn together, and lips in an exaggerated pout. She walks up to him, turning him to face her and removing his tie. “Go without the tie. The open collar look is so in,” she teases, her blunted nails scratching his chest hair. “I also watched a lot of Project Runway,” she adds, almost as if she was talking to herself.

Killian waggles his eyebrows at her, throwing his tie on the bed absentmindedly and reaching for her wasit, pulling her closer to him. “Maybe we should play hookey and stay in today. No shirts, no ties. You can see more than just my collarbone, Swan,” he quips, sliding his lips down her neck. Emma’s breath hitches and the offer is incredibly tempting - they could just say screw it and stay in bed - but she has been stuck at home the past week, and she really does have patients to get back to. There is only so much she can push on to Blanchard’s service. It takes all her will power to push away from him. “Oh, Dr. Jones, I am not so easily seduced,” she chides, pressing a quick, apologetic kiss to his lips.

She twists out of his arms, shrugging on a floral shirt over her bra, buttoning it up swiftly. It takes a while, but she gets her pants buttoned as well, grinning up at Killian, feeling accomplished that she could still fit into her pants. But his earlier playfulness is once again replaced with concern, and he is not quick enough to school his expression. She lets out a soft sigh. “I am okay, Killian. I promise.” She holds her hand out to him, waiting patiently until he grabs them before pulling him closer. She rests her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist, trying to hug his anxiety away.

He lets loose a long breath, the tension in his shoulders leaving as he relaxes against her. “I can’t help it, Swan. Watching you collapse like that-” he cuts himself off and closes his eyes, trying to push away the bad memory. “I never want to see you like that again, love,” he murmurs against her hair. He pulls back, one hand cupping her cheek and the other resting on her shoulder, rubbing soothing circles. He looks like he wants to say more, but chooses to hold himself back, trying to smile reassuringly at her.

Emma is not so easily fooled though. She can tell that there’s more to his worry than he is letting on; she can’t push him, knowing that it will just make him retreat further back. Emma cups his cheeks, trying to communicate all her love and understanding through her smile, and hopes that that is enough.

She worries about him too; he carries so much responsibility on his shoulders, it weighs him down when anything goes wrong. She worries when he forgets to take care of himself, because that leads down a very steep path. She worries that sometimes he focuses too much on protecting her, that he forgets that he needs protecting too. “Look, you need to stop worrying so much. It was just low blood sugar. I’m fine, baby’s fine. We both got a week off, and we’re good.”

Killian pulls in a shuddering breath, his hand coming to rest on her belly. She knows that he can feel the slight hardness to her abdomen, feel the smallest of curves there. His thumb rubs lightly against the curve, sending a rush of emotions through her, overwhelming her with how much she loves this man, and this baby that is theirs. “You promise to take it easy?” he murmurs, resting his forehead against her.

“I promise.” She nuzzles his nose, drawing a smile from his, almost despite himself. “There’s that handsome smile. Let’s go, Dr. Jones, we have lives to save.” In retrospect, she wishes she had taken a moment then, to see his smile fall the moment her back was turned, and his jaw clench tightly.

-/-

“Hey! You’re back!” Mary Margaret cries out the moment Emma and Killian walk - hand-in-hand - into the attendings lounge. Which just draws everyone’s attention to Emma, making her flush, brushing her hair away from her face self-consciously.

Mary Margaret Blanchard, her best friend since internship, when they were green as the grass and chanting carido, let’s go, is also extremely over dramatic sometimes.

“I was gone for a week. God.” Emma rolled her eyes, dropping her husband’s hand and going to hang up her jacket and grabbing her white coat.

“It doesn’t matter.” Mary Margaret pulls Emma into a quick hug, squeezing her tight. “I’m just glad you and the little duck are okay.” Emma meets Killian’s gaze, glaring as he stifled a laugh.

Little duck? she mouths at him, and he simply shrugs, dropping off his own jacket.

“I’m fine, B,” Emma murmurs, letting Mary Margaret get her fill of the hug.

Mary Margaret nods. She pulls back, suddenly excited as she bounces on the balls of her feet, her eyes glinting as she waves the iPad she was holding in Emma’s face. “You’re back just in time. Marco is on his way in. For his surgery.”

Emma’s eyes widen, her hands grabbing the tablet from Mary Margaret’s hands, scrolling through the patient file, just to make sure they are both talking about the same person.“What? No way.” She grins so wide, she can feel her cheeks twinge. “We got a heart?”

“We got a heart, baby! UNOS called this morning,” Mary Margaret confirms, her grin just as wide. “You think you’re ready for the surgery?”

Emma scoffs, grabbing the device. “Like I’m going to say no. I should call August.” She turns to Killian, shouting a nonsensical, We got a fucking heart!, stealing a quick kiss and rushes out the room, heedless to Killian’s call for her to be careful, Swan!

-/-

He chuckles at her retreating form, sharing an amused glance with Robin, who was lounging on the couch, a cup on coffee in hand.

“She seems to be doing fine.” Robin raises his eyebrows at Killian, when he doesn’t reply immediately. “What’s wrong?”

Killian shakes his head dismissively. “She says she’s fine.”

“And the baby?”

“Baby, too. Or so she says.”

“What, you don’t believe her? She is a doctor, you know,” Robin comments, getting up to rinse his mug.

“And yet, she didn’t realise she was having low blood sugar? Or that she was pregnant?” Killian signs, hating the bitter edge to his voice.

“You know how busy we get, Jones. She finished her fellowship year only a couple of years ago, she needs to put in the hours still. It probably just slipped her mind.”

Killian shoots him an incredulous look. Robin shrugs helplessly, patting him in an effort to cheer him up. “C’mon, Jones. Emma can take care of herself.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Killian shakes his head, plastering a smile on his face. “Yeah, mate. I know.” Killian grabs his own white coat, shrugging it on.

“Jones?”

“Yes, Locksley?”

“Listen, I know the last week was hard on you-”

Killian feels his breath catch, his heart in his throat. He feels the rage course through his blood, just thinking about it. “Don’t,” he growled. He can feel the darkness at the ebbs of his consciousness, and it must show, because Robin takes a step back. “I- I don’t want to talk about it, mate.”

“Killian.” Robin’s tone is almost a reprimand, and Killian isn’t ready to hear any of it.

“We all lose patients, mate. It happens. I’m fine.” The word tastes like the bitter lie it was. He is so far removed from fine, but he has a handle on it. He doesn’t need coddling.

-/-

“I really am fine.” Emma rolls her eyes, insisting for the third time in the past half hour, leaning against the nurse station’s desk, fiddling with her iPad, checking up on the cases she had left in Mary Margaret’s care.

“How was your staycation?” Mary Margaret asks, resting her arms on the counter.

“Ugh, so boring. Killian has been coming home late, like, all of last week.”

“Huh.”

Emma’s eyes narrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What?”

“You just said ‘Huh’ like you’re surprised that he came home late.” Emma’s gut clenches at the uncertainty on Mary Margaret’s face. “Blanchard, what’s going on? Did Killian say something?”

Mary Margaret bites down on her lip, her gaze lowering to her hands. “B, c’mon,” Emma implores, slipping into the nickname. Her tone is softer, the worry clear as day. “Tell me.”

“He didn’t tell you?” Emma apprehension multiplies tenfold by the undercurrent of concern in Mary Margaret’s tone, shaking her head ‘no’. “Emma, he lost a patient on monday. Ava Turner.”

Emma is pretty sure she gasps, or something that was pretty close to it, her hand covering her mouth. “What? I saw Ava here two months ago for her check-up. She was fine,” her voice cracks on the word fine, and with it her heart.

Mary Margaret’s expression turns somber, and almost something like regret in her eyes, that she is the one who has to tell Emma. “It wasn’t her heart, Emma. She got into a car accident.”

Emma stop listening the moment she hears that, her throat suddenly too tight. She has known Ava since her second year of residency; Dr. French might have been her surgeon, but it was a pediatric case; she had been Killian’s patient, for years. “He never said a word to me,” Emma whispers, unsure whether she should feel guilty or angry.

“Maybe he thought you had enough to worry about,” Mary Margaret tries to explain, but it sounded flat even to her, Emma can tell, by the uneasy expression on her friend’s face.

She needs to see Killian. Ava Turner wasn’t just any other patient, at least not to Killian.

-/-

Regina stops her on her way to the pediatrics floor, almost surprised to see her. “Dr. Swan! I didn’t know you were coming back today,” Regina comments with a pleasant smile.

“Chief Mills,” she says in lieu of a greeting. “Yep, I’m back. I’m pregnant, not invalid,” she rolls her eyes, feeling a twinge of impatience. “In fact, I’m scrubbing in with Dr. Blanchard on Marco’s heart transplant.” And in that moment, despite her worry and anxiety and just straight up need to see her husband, she can’t keep the smile off her face at the mention of Marco’s surgery. “Finally,” she adds, just for effect.

“Good for him.” Regina pauses, as if contemplating her next words. “Is Jones in today?”

“Yeah. I’m on my way to see him now. Why?”

“I just assumed he’d want to take a couple of days off, is all. After what happened with Ava Turner.”

“Okay, what happened with Ava? Killian is fine at home. I don’t know what everyone is worried about?” Emma’s worry only increases. Is she not paying attention to her husband? Did she not notice that he was in pain?

Regina stares at her for a moment, before she purses her lips. “I think you ought to talk to him about it. All I know is he has been passing on surgeries for the past week, so I told him to take some time off. Our patients come to us for the best care, and we can’t be turning away cases. Not right now, with Dr. Weaver here to evaluate us.” She rolls her eyes when she mentions Dr. Weaver.

“Dr. Weaver? Who- How long was I gone?”

Regina smirks. “Oh, you’ll meet him soon enough. He’s here courtesy of my mother, who seems to think our standards of teaching need to improve.”

Emma huffs out a laugh at Regina’s dry tone. “Well, she does own this place,” she retorts. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Chief… I should find my husband.”

-/-

Killian has been hiding away in one of the fourth floor research rooms, trying to work on his paper. Or... maybe he should accept it for the excuse that it is, to hide away from the rest of the hospital, hoping that no one would disturb him. He has sent his resident to do his rounds on the post-op patients, knowing that Dr. Jain can hold her own. He isn’t able to bring himself to operate; he can’t bring himself to get back in the OR.

Ava had come to him when she was five years old, with a rare and complex CHD, transferred over from another hospital. She fought like hell every single day for five years, undergoing multiple surgeries, always greeting him with a big smile no matter what. Three times she almost got a new heart and three times, it fell through. It was heartbreaking for her family to see their daughter in so much pain. There were days when it was touch-and-go for Ava. No matter how many surgeries they had performed, she needed a new heart. And with her rare blood type, it took ages. After years on the list, she was finally matched with a donor, and her transplant had been successful.

She lived to see sixteen, to go to high school. To learn how to drive and to get a license. And then she got into a fucking automobile accident. Both he and Dr. French tried their best to stabilize her but the damage that was done was too much, and she bled out on the table.

He has come to accept that death was a part of his job, but that never makes it any easier to lose a kid. He has worked with tiny humans his whole career, and he knows it is hard to not form a connection with them. But Ava had been special - it astounds him even now how she never seemed to lose faith. She might have had her own moments of weakness, but she never failed to bounce back.

Killian runs his hands through his hair, his eyes closed trying to push the images of Ava bleeding out from his mind. A knock saves him from the torment, his eyes flying open.

“Hey.” Emma lingers at the door, her smile something soft. She was like the sun to all his rainy days, worming her way past the numbness that has settled over his heart. God, that was awful and cheesy.

“Hey, love.” He smiles at her, his lips pulling up automatically the moment he sees her. But even that feels exhausting. He is trying really hard to keep a calm facade around his wife, but it isn’t easy when they always share everything - the good and the bad. But Ruby had been very clear - this was a high risk pregnancy as it is for Emma, she does not need any undue stress. She doesn’t need his problems on top of everything else.

She pulls up a chair next to him, grabbing the arms of his own and pulling herself close until their knees are bumping against each other. She has a crease between her brows as she frowns at him, her head tilted to one side as if she was trying to read his mind. When he doesn’t relent to her questioning gaze, she lets out a small sigh.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Ava Turner?” Her words come out in a barely audible whisper. The room suddenly feels like all the oxygen got sucked out of it. She isn’t supposed to know this, he never wanted her to.

He curses under his breath. “Freaking Blanchard.”

“Hey, don’t blame her. Mills told me, too. I would have found out eventually.” She drags his hands into her own, squeezing them gently. “The question is why weren’t you the one to tell me?”

“What’s there to tell, love? I lost a patient. It happens.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t believe you, babe.” Emma shrugs, dismissing his words easily. “I might not have noticed your pain, but I can still tell when someone’s lying to me. And you, Dr. Jones, are a big fat liar.” She says all this sotto voce, not even a hint of anger or hurt.

He clenches his jaw tight, his throat burning something fierce with unexpressed pain. “What of it?” he snaps instead of confiding with his love. He could have told her how much his heart aches with regret from not being able to save Ava. From fear for her and their child, for her health and her safety. He could have told her how fragile his hold on hope is right now. He could have told her that he so desperately wants a drink right now, so much so that he can practically taste the burn and the spice from the rum; that he could give a flying fuck about five years of sobriety, four of which he has spent with her. Instead, he snaps at her and she recoils, her walls threatening to fly up.

“Nope,” she grits out. “You’re not pushing me away, Killian.”

Killian refuses to burden her with his problems. She doesn’t deserve this mess, not before and most definitely not now. “Swan, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“How can I not? You’re keeping things from me, you’re refusing to confide in me - your wife. You’ve been so worried about me this past week, baby. Let me worry about you, too,” she whispers, getting up from her chair and maneuvering herself into his lap. She cards her fingers through his hard, her touch soothing and making him close his eyes on a sigh.

Just as he prepares himself to bare his soul to her, Emma’s beeper goes off. She curses under her breath, grabbing it and cursing even more.

“911 from Blanchard, I need to go,” she says on a sigh, sounding apologetic. “Killian-”

“Go on, love. I’m fine.”

She raises her brows at him, in no way or form believing him. “I’ll be fine, Swan. Go, save lives and such.

She searches his gaze for something, he wasn’t sure what. But she mustn’t have found it, by the way her face fell.

“I don’t need to be at the surgery, Killian. Blanchard can handle it,” she whispers, carding her fingers through his hair again, Blanchard’s 911 all but forgotten it seems. “I want to be there for you.”

Killian hums, pressing his forehead to her shoulders, breathing in deeply. The smell of her deodorant, clean and something mildly floral, calming him with its familiarity. “As much as I appreciate it, Marco has been waiting for that heart forever. You need to be there. August would want you there.”

Emma bites down on her lip, still uncertain. But a moment later, she nods. “Fine. I’ll go. But we will continue this conversation!” She points a finger at him. She gets off his lap, walking backwards and making his gut clench because his wife the clumsiest person when she can see where she’s walking. “Don’t think we aren’t going to circle back to this!”

And then she thankfully turns around and walks away, her parting words lingering in the air. He breathes in deeply, the scent of her deodorant still sticking to him, and gets back to working on his research - for real this time.

-/-

Killian’s day doesn’t get any better after Emma’s brief - but welcome - visit. If he was being honest with himself, in a way that he ought to be with Emma, this is about more than just Ava, or even about Emma’s pregnancy. For eight years, he was under the impression that he had a better handle on his alcoholism - but all it takes is one small misstep to send him back to day 1. The more he tries to hold on to his sobriety, the more he wants to have a drink. He has always been weak, he just got over-confident over the years, thinking he is a survivor, that he is stronger than his disease. But he isn’t.

He really needs a drink.

He opens his desk drawer, pulls out his old flask. He never threw it away, said that he kept it as a reminder of his failures. But that was never the case, was it? A part of him always knew he wasn’t strong enough to resist temptation. He runs his thumb over the engraving on the front - Milah had bought it for him at an antiques shop, back when she had still been alive and thriving. When they had just been interns, starting out in a world yet unknown to them. She had always been embarrassed about how much older she was than the rest of the class, a 40-year-old divorcee, just starting out as a doctor after years of being a nurse and putting herself through medical school. She was wild and something fierce; she had made him come out of his shell. Losing her had shattered him, and for years he had given up on love. He had given up on plenty of things, if he was being honest.

And if it had not been for Belle and her unwavering support, he would have been sacked from his job a long time ago. A high functioning alcoholic, that’s what they called him at his intervention. It took them five years after Milah’s passing to notice the signs, and a year or thereabouts after to approach him about it. In fact, it had been Emma who had brought it up first. She was scrubbing with him on a surgery, and just before they were about to go in, she turned to him, her eyes sharp and boring into his.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Jones, but I can’t let you in there.”

“Pardon me?”

“I said I can’t let you in there.”

“Dr. Swan, I know that this is your first solo surgery, but I am still your attending,” he growls, furious at the audacity.

“You might be my attending, but Mikey is my patient and I will not put his life at risk.”

“What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?”

She moves closer to him, almost toe-to-toe. Her words come out in an icy whisper, “You might think you’re hiding it well, under layers of cologne and mouthwash, but I know an alcoholic when I see one, Dr. Jones.”

He bristles. How dare she? “Dr. Swan, you are out of bounds-”

She sucks in a sharp breath. “You can reprimand me all you want - after the surgery,” she says firmly, and walks away, pushing the door to the OR open and leaving him speechless, shame and fury churning in his gut.

He had been tempted to write her up for insubordination, but what could he possibly say? That she had called him out for being an alcoholic? Because that would have gone well with the suits and the chief.

He started noticing the signs then, started trying to hide it. But once Emma said something, it felt like all eyes were on him. He couldn’t do his job anymore, and when Belle, Robin, Regina and David confronted him about it - he did not argue. He went to rehab, he worked the program, he accepted his suspension for what it was, and thanked God that he did not get his medical license revoked.

He had never been drunk while he was performing surgery; Emma had been wrong to think that. But if he had kept going on that path, it might have gotten to that stage. He owed her...everything.

She was on his service his first day back. It felt like some of kind of karmic justice.

“Dr. Swan, do you have a moment?” he asks, as they are both exiting the patient’s room after morning rounds.

She seems to stop short at that, clearly hesitant. “Of course, Dr. Jones.”

He tries to smile, building up the courage to tell her what he wants to. “I- uh. A few months ago, you confronted me about some- about my drinking problem. I just wanted to thank you. I’m working the program, you know, doing the steps and what-not. I would never- I’ve never operated drunk. I would never put a child’s life in danger.”

Swan remains quiet, waiting for him to continue. Her expression reveals nothing; she’s still as a stone, and closed off.

He clears his throat. “I wanted to thank you, for saying something. For confronting me.”

Swan stares at him, the silence between them stretching on for longer than he would like. He resist the urge to scratch behind his ear, knowing that would be an obvious tell about how nervous he is.

She nods, finally, a slight flush to her cheeks. “I’m glad you got the help you needed, Dr. Jones.”

He watches her walk away, and some part of him wanted to go after her. To fall in line, to get to know this resident who leaves him wanting to know more.

Over the years, he did find out more about Dr. Swan. He learnt that she was David Nolan’s younger sister, having changed her name so it did not seem like she got to where she was through anything else but her hard work. Especially, not her father, Dr. Robert Nolan’s influence in the medical community.

He learnt that she practically drowns her hot chocolate in whipped cream, adds just a sprinkling of cinnamon on top. He learnt that she has a good heart, even if she does guard it with iron walls and barbed wire.

He learnt that he could love again - because it was impossible not to fall in love with Emma Swan. She changed the narrative; she challenged him, she supported him. She was just a breath of fresh air.

It’s all these reasons why he has to stay sober now - for her. He does not want to put her through that, especially when she already has a lot on her plate.

He is pulled from his stream of consciousness by the incessant noise from his beeper, making him growl in annoyance. He is not taking any cases, and he has made that very clear to everyone, including the chief.

But when he sees the message from Blanchard, he’s on his feet and out the door in record time.

It’s Emma. OR 2. Hurry.

-/-

It had just been a routine heart transplant. Everything was going fine. They had been discussing Mary Margaret and David’s upcoming nuptials, joking about how much Emma intended to embarrass David with her speech.

The transplant went fine, and then it wasn’t.

The heart doesn’t start pumping, it does not pink up. Mary Margaret tries shocking it again, at a higher voltage.

Nothing.

She tries again, and again there’s nothing. The heart rate monitor shows just a flat line.

“Let me try massaging the heart,” Emma says.

“Emma, I don’t think-”

“It will, B. Hold on.”

Twenty minutes later, Emma is still trying to get the heart pumping. She can’t let Marco die - this is her best friend’s dad. August didn’t reach the hospital before they took Marco into surgery; he barely got to talk to his father on the phone. The last thing Emma said to him was to come and see his dad once he’s got a new heart.

God, she can’t let Marco die.

The only thing Emma can hear is the rush in her ears. The only thing that matters is to get Marco’s heart beating again. She just has to keep massaging it until it can work on its own. She doesn’t hear Mary Margaret’s voice, telling her to stop. She doesn’t hear her husband’s voice, doesn’t even realise that he is in the OR. She doesn’t feel the arms wrap around her, but she feels it when it makes her hands pull away from Marco’s chest cavity.

“NO! Stop it!”

“Swan, love. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

But she doesn’t register anything Killian says, pushing at the arms wrapped around her waist.

“Emma!” he snaps, pulling her around to face him. His hands cup her cheeks, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Swan, it’s over.”

“No, Killian. He was fine, the heart-” She bites down on her lip behind her mask. She can’t bring herself to finish the sentence.

“Dr. Swan, do you want to call time of death?” Mary Margaret asks her, a warble to her voice.

Emma swallows past the lump in her throat. She nods, pushing away from Killian and turning to face Mary Margaret. “Time of death: sixteen-oh-four,” she announces clinically, keeping a firm lid on her feelings.

She can feel her heart break, but she can’t let it show. Any more than she already has, at least.

“Swan, come on, love. Let’s get out of here.”

She shakes her head. “No, I need to tell the family. I need to talk to August.” Her voice is still restrained - a facade of professional indifference.

“Love, you don’t have to,” Killian inists. She bristled at his placating tone.

“I am a doctor. I do not need you to baby me. I can handle this.” She pushes past him, taking off her gown and gloves, stuffing it in the disposal. She looks past him at Mary Margaret, feeling enraged that she told her husband. “Dr. Blanchard, I’m guessing you can close?” She doesn’t wait for a reply.

She is halfway down the hall when Killian catches up with her, pulling on her arm and forcing her to stop.

“Swan, stop. I am not babying you.”

She turns around, pulling away from his grasp, her arms crossed across her chest. “Right. Sure you’re not,” she says wryly.

“Can you blame me for being concerned?” he snaps back.

“This is not about you being concerned. This is about you being so overprotective. It’s like you think I don’t know how to take care of myself. You have my friends keeping tabs on me, letting you know every time I so much as blink too much, Killian! What - do you think I don’t care about this baby as much as you do?”

He looks stricken, but Emma can’t seem to bring herself to feel bad. “Of course I don’t think that,” he whispers, and Emma can hear his voice crack.

Emma sighs, taking off her scrub cap and bunching it in her hands. “I need to go and see if August is here, Killian.”

She can tell he wants to say more, he wants them to talk. But she doesn’t have the patience for it. If there are going to fight, they can do so at home.

“Yeah, I understand, Swan. I- I’m so sorry about Marco. I know how much he meant to you.”

She nods stiffly, which makes his shoulders sag in defeat. He looks dejected, and she might be frustrated with him - hell, she is enraged, if she is being honest. He is being an overprotective idiot-man, but he is her overprotective idiot-man.

She reaches for his hand, squeezing briefly. “I’ll come see you after?”

“Sure, Swan,” he smiles tightly. She frowns, knowing that whatever he is going through, it’s just been exacerbated by this weird tension between them.

“Babe…”

“Go, love. We’re good.” He leans in to press a kiss to her cheek, his lips barely grazing her skin. He moves away before she can react or reciprocate, and is halfway down the corridor. Her eyes burn with tears, her throat tight. Everything was fine this morning - or so she thought.

Now, she has to inform her best friend that she couldn’t save his father. And her husband is keeping secrets from her.

She resists the urge to kick something, scrubbing her hand over her face, the braids she put her hair in starting to become painful, only adding to her headache.

She takes a moment to catch her breath, and prepare herself, before she walks into the waiting room. She prays that she doesn’t see August, just so she can have some time before she has to break the news to him. But she spots him the moment she enters the room, pacing restlessly, his jacket discarded next to his helmet on a seat nearby.

He looks different now, with a full beard and long-ish hair. More hardened after years on the road. God, she can’t tell him. She can’t, she can’t, she-

“Emma!” he calls out to her before she can actually run away. August is in front of her in three strides, faster than she anticipates. “How did the surgery go? When can I go see dad?”

Emma hopes that she looks more composed than she feels, because right now all she wants to do is cry. She’s known Marco since she was a kid, running away from home and just wanting to take a break. He’s one of the best people she knows...knew.

Marco’s house had been a sanctuary for Emma, ever since she was five years old. He lived right next door, and he had a son Emma’s age. August has been by her side through everything. It was not easy growing up as Robert Nolan’s daughter: there were always expectations. Her father was not cruel, but he had standards of behaviour that his children had to meet. They had to pick a path, and they were not allowed to deviate from it. Ever.

Robert had been an imposing man, a hard to please man. But he never hesitated to do everything he could to get his children where they needed to go. But growing up without a mother, with just Robert’s often times overbearing nature - Emma needed the respite that Marco’s home provided. And August is the only person who understood her for a very long time. He is practically another brother to her.

“August,” she began on a stutter. “There was a complication during surgery-”

“No,” he breaths out, stepping back from her almost unconsciously.

She wants to stop. She can’t say it. She tries to make herself stop, but the words keep coming. “-we tried everything we could. But, your father- Marco died in surgery, August. I’m so sorry.”

She’s seen enough trauma come through in her life, and she remembers this one time a man came in with his entrails practically spilling out. She would never forget the look on that man’s face - that’s how she feels right now. She feels gutted, having to watch helplessly as August breaks down.

Over all these years of being a doctor, sensitivity training included having to tell the family of the patient’s demise. She’s seen a myriad of reactions - some people go right into denial, some people react in anger. Most of them break down crying, heaving breaths and ugly sobs, as if their bodies were not able to comprehend their loss, that the heartache was too much and it just spills over. She’s not a monster, she could never become immune to this. But she’s been trained to not react in the face of such utter devastation of the human spirit. She is the daughter of Robert Nolan; she ought to be made of sterner stuff.

All she wanted to do was break down with August, to mourn the man who was like a second father to her. It was supposed to be a routine fucking surgery.

August manages to compose himself long enough to ask her what happened.

“The surgery went fine, but the heart just did not take. I- I’m so sorry for your loss, August. There was nothing more we could do.”

She is hardly in control of what she is saying; half of what she says are rehearsed lines. Never tell anyone it’s your fault; tell them you’re sorry. Use the word: tell them their loved one died. Be firm, but compassionate. Be direct. Make sure you let them know you did everything you could. God, she wants to throw protocol out the window.

“I thought you said it was a routine procedure, Em!” he yells. Emma closes her eyes for a moment, pushing the guilt down, maintaining her composure.

She opens her eyes, forcing them to meet August’s. She can see the grief and anger swirling in their glass blue depths. Fuck.

“It was, Gus. It was; but there are always risks involved with surgery, especially at an older age.”

“This is my dad, Emma! I trusted you,” he hisses, his fists clenched at his side. “You said he would be fine.”

“Gus, I- I don’t-” She has no idea what she can say right now. She fucked up. She never should have said that. He was just upset that he couldn’t be there before they took Marco in for surgery, and she wanted to reassure him.

August lets out a deep breath, his tense shoulders dropping with the exhale. “It’s- it’s my dad, Em,” he murmurs, shuffling his feet and running his hand through his too long hair.

“I know, August.” She squeezes his bicep, offering him the only comfort she can give him.

-/-

It takes over an hour before Killian sees his wife again. She slinks into the research room, freshly showered and changed, wearing a sweater instead of the shirt she had on this morning. She closes the door, pressing her back against it and resting her head on it, her eyes falling shut.

He is out of his seat before her legs start wobbling, and he catches her as she collapses against him, her hands clasping the lapels of his coat in a white-knuckled grip.

“Swan!”

She manages to stay upright, but barely, half clinging to him. He can see the blotchy red spots on her cheeks and the redness in her eyes when she opens them. He can see her eyes begin to water again, but she keeps them at bay, stubbornly refusing to shed them.

“I-I’m fine,” she says, finally. The first words she’s said to him in hours, and despite the grief that tinges her words, he can tell that she means them.

He nods jerkily, unwilling to relinquish his hold on her, instead, guiding her to sit on the chair he had abandoned. She almost groans in relief, her shoulders shagging and head dropping over the back of the chair. He resists the urge to ask her how long she’s been standing on her feet.

He takes a seat on another chair, pulling it to settle facing her, knees bumping hers. “How is August?”

“Not good,” she mumbles, her eyes fixated on a point on the ceiling. “I don’t know- I didn’t know what to say.”

He can see her struggling not to cry, and it breaks his heart. It makes his worry sky rocket, too. But before he can say anything, she speaks, her gaze trained on the ceiling still.

“I’m sorry, Killian.”

Killian startles at that, his spine ramrod straight. What could she possibly apologise for?

“Swan, you have nothing to apologise for, love.”

Emma clears her throat, brushing at the few tears that have fallen, looking at him right in the eyes. “I’m sorry I snapped. I know you don’t think me incapable.”

He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face, the exhaustion setting in. “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t.” He hesitates, before he adds. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you are.”

She lets out a watery chuckle, pulling at the sleeves of her sweater, so they hang over her hand, covering them entirely. He hates it when she does that, stretching out the knit, but he will hate it more if she stops. It’s quirks like these that he loves about his wife.

“We’re just on an apology train today, aren’t we?”

“All aboard the self-pity express,” he adds, with a half smile, drawing a chuckle out of her.

She gets off her seat, easing herself into his lap with a dramatic sigh. She places her head on his shoulder, snuggling into him when he wraps his arms around her. Neither of them speak for a long while, the silence that envelops them comforting and one that they are quite familiar with.

“Killian…”

“Yes, darling.”

He feels her take a deep breath, and he knows immediately what she’s about to ask. “Why didn’t you tell me about Ava Turner?”

“Emma, it’s not important.”

-/-

Any other time, Emma would have exploded. She would have argued, or yelled. She would have raised her voice; angry that her husband is pretending to be so cavalier. But she is so tired - she can feel the bone deep exhaustion as it threatens to overwhelm her. She can feel the knots in her neck just as much as the metaphorical ones in her gut, telling her that something more was going on with her husband, something she ought to have noticed a while back. So, she doesn’t yell or even raise her voice. She tamps down on the urge to cry - it seems like every small thing is making her cry nowadays, and it’s already been an emotionally draining day.

She hums low in her throat, pressing her nose to Killian’s neck, inhaling the scent of his cologne. “Of course it is,” she whispers fiercely. “I have had people come up to me and express concern for you - my husband. I had no idea you were even- I know you’re worried about me, but that doesn’t mean you should keep things from me. Please, baby. Talk to me?”

She pauses, knowing that Killian needs a moment. He will talk, she knows he will. She feels his grip on her tighten for a moment before he deflated completely. “I- I tried everything to save her, Swan. She bled out on the table and I couldn’t stop it. She was lucid, when she came into the ER. She was talking to me, and she was just- Fucking dammit,” he cuts himself off, his jaw clenching as tears rapidly filled his eyes.

Emma shifts in his lap, reaching for his clenched fists and clasping them between her hands, her thumb brushing against his tight knuckles.

“She just turned sixteen, Emma. She was just a kid, and she was finally having a normal life. Her life slipped right out of my hands, and I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“Baby, you did everything you could.”

“You don’t know that, Swan. You weren’t here,” he argued, the anger in his voice scaring her. Not because it is directed at her, but because he seems more angry at himself.

“I know you. I know you would have tried everything.” When he does not say anything in response, and when he doesn’t meet her eyes, she makes him, gently turning him by his chin toward her. “I know you cared for her a lot. She is not just any other patient. You know as well as I do, sometimes there really isn’t anything we can do. Today is an example of just that.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Swan. Just drop it.”

“But-”

“Bloody fuck, Swan. I said drop it!” he yells, startling her out of his lap and on to her feet. He immediately looks guilty for the outburst, getting up and reaching for her, buts Emma steps back, almost involuntarily, her eyes wide and mouth agape, stunned.

“Darling, I- I’m sorry.”

Emma stuffs her hands in her jacket pocket so he doesn't see them tremble. She is not scared of her husband, but she knows what’s happening with him now. This is - God, this is about so much more than Ava Turner. “No, no, you’re right. I should have dropped it.”

She starts gathering her things, and she can feel his guilt radiate off of him. She wants to go to him, comfort him. But she can’t - her own fear and guilt are eating her up alive. She just- she feel a heavy weight on her heart, and she needs a moment.

“What’re you- where are you going?” he asks, a desperation to his tone and she is certain that she’s being split into two.

“I’m going home, Killian,” she says on a deep sigh. God fucking dammit, she is exhausted.

He shuffles where he stands, his jaw clenching and unclenching. Both of them stare at each other, neither finding the right words.

“Should I - Can I come home?”

Emma is pretty sure that her heart is in pieces now. God, he looks so lost. It breaks her, and she drops her stuff, reaching him in two strides and throwing her arms around his neck, hugging him to her.

“Always,” she whispers, against his shoulder. “You can always come home.” She pulls back, her hands coming up to delicately frame his face, swiping at the wetness under his eyes. “Killian, just tell me. I know you’re not telling me something. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”

-/-

Tell her, you fool. Just tell her. Tell her you are slipping. Tell her you need help, tell her you don’t trust yourself to be alone anymore. Just fucking tell her-

“Emma, I-”

But before he can say another word, the door to the room bursts open, revealing Dr. Jain, panting for breath and looking terrified.

“Dr. Jones, we need you in OR 1.”

“Jain, I told you. I’m not-”

“Now, sir,” she demanded, swallowing thickly. “Please.”

Killian looked between Emma and Jasmine, feeling conflicted, not knowing if he can do this.

“Dr. Jones!”

“Okay, let’s go,” he says finally, the distress evident in Dr. Jain’s voice. She wouldn’t ask him if it wasn’t serious.“I’ll see you at home, Swan?”

She nods, and with a quick squeeze of her hand, he’s running out the door.

-/-

“Dr. Weaver, Dr. Fisher, I’m here. What’s happening?” Killian asks, walking into the OR, freshly scrubbed, and slipping into the gown and gloves.

Ariel Fisher looks up at him, panic evident in her eyes. “Dr. Jones, I’m not able to get the bleeding under control.”

Killian’s eyes widen, anger simmering in his belly. He turns to Weaver. “You let a resident operate on a kid?” he demands, pushing everyone aside to get a better visual, taking over from Dr. Fisher.

“It was just a routine surgery.”

“Dr. Fisher is a second year resident. She is not ready to fly solo on a child,” Killian grits out, trying to find the bleeder. “Clamp, clamp, now!” he barks, grabbing it from the nurse’s hand as soon as she hands it over.

“That is not how my teaching program works, Dr. Jones,” Dr. Weaver snaps back, assisting Killian.

“Your teaching program should not include operating on children, Weaver. You’re not a peds surgeon. You should have consulted with me.”

“Oh, forgive me, Dr. Jones, but you were indisposed and did not wish to be disturbed,” Weaver drones.

Killian can feel the utter disdain simmering in his gut. “Weaver, a kid isn’t like an adult. You can’t expect Dr. Fisher to be able to perform a procedure she has only practised on a adult before. I am the head of paediatrics here, and I should have been informed. Which you did not do.”

The machines around them started beeping loudly, making Killian curse under his breath. He can’t seem to find a visual still- there was just too much blood and he can’t seem to stop it.

“Dammit, her blood pressure is dropping.”

“I need to see, fuck. Lap pads, now!”

The machines were still beeping, without an end in sight. Killian knows that there is no coming back from this. The kid’s lost too much blood, and the more bleeders he clamps, the more that seem to pop up. He should have been here, he should have supervised the surgery.

He shouldn’t have handed the reins to Dr. Jain. He was the attending, and he should have been here. He should have prevented this. He can’t lose another kid, he just can’t.

-/-

Ariel is frozen, staring with wide-eyed horror as the attendings try and save the life that she was responsible for. She wants to move, she wants to do something, but from the moment Dr. Jones had pushed her to the side, she can’t look away from the result of her mistake. The kid - Maria, her name was Maria - she is going to die. She is supposed to be on a cruise with her parents now, but instead, she is going to die.

And it is all her fault. She should not have been so cocky. She should have voiced her concern when she had it - she should have told Dr. Weaver that she’s never performed this procedure on a child before. She should have listened to Jasmine when she told her to go to Dr. Jones.

She is unmoving, her gloved hands covered in Maria’s blood. She watches as Maria blood pressure drop, she watches as each blood drenched piece of cloth is discarded to the side. She made a mistake and Maria is paying for it with her life.

She swears her heart plummets to the ground when the girl flatlines, the long beep loud in the suddenly loud room. The surgeons have stopped - there’s nothing more than can be done.

“Time of death, twelve-oh-two am,” Dr. Jones calls out.

-/-

The three surgeons file out of the OR, their gowns and gloves discarded in the medical waste bin. Killian catches sight of Dr. Fisher, who was barely holding it together. He failed her - he should have been in the OR, guiding her. He is her teacher.

“I, uhhh. I- What did I do to her?” she whispered, horrified. Tears were welling in her eyes, and Killian can feel his heart constrict thinking about the little girl’s parents.

He turns to Dr. Weaver, waiting for him to answer her. But that man looks just as lost as he feels, but when he meets Killian’s gaze, he nods.

“We go and inform the family. We tell them we did everything we could, but there were some complications,” Dr. Weaver responded.

No matter how much he loathed the man a while ago, Killian respects that he did not throw Ariel under the bus.

“But I did that. I killed Maria,” Dr. Fishers stutters out, her lower lip trembling and she bites down hard on it.

“You made a mistake, Fisher,” Killian finally says. “And now, you will learn from that mistake. The next time you enter the OR, you’ll carry this memory with you and you will make sure that the next one survives. The next time, you will call me.” He tries to not sound too harsh; she doesn’t need that right now. She needs to know that she’s going to be alright.

“Ariel, Dr. Jones and I can go inform the parents,” Dr. Weaver offered, and Killian was about to protest. But Ariel surprised him.

“No, I should do it. You said it yourself, Dr. Weaver. I am Maria’s lead surgeon. I will talk to her parents.” Killian can still see her struggling to hold her tears at bay, but she has her head held up high.

It makes him realise that he needs to take up some accountability as well. He needs to make some changes.

“You got this?” he addresses Weaver, who nods wordlessly walking with Ariel.

Killian marches in the opposite direction, heading to Mills’ office. He needs to do something he should have a long while back.

-/-

Emma is struggling to keep her eyes open. She has been waiting for her husband to return for hours and it is well past midnight now. She is half convinced that he’s spending the night in the on-call room, even if he is, in fact, not on-call, just so he could avoid her.

It saddens her to feel so helpless when it comes to her husband. They’ve been together for ages, it should not be so hard. He can’t keep trying to protect her all the time; that’s not how their relationship has been. He knows that she’s strong enough to handle things by herself.

Ruby should have never told Killian anything about her blood pressure. Emma might not say it, but she is worried for the baby. She knew when they found out that they were pregnant, that it would be high risk. She’s not exactly young - she knows the complications that come with a late stage pregnancy. But she’s fairly healthy, and she can take care of herself - or so she’s trying to convince herself.

She rubs absent-mindedly at her chest, her heart heavy with worry. She does not want to think about it - she wants to believe that her husband will come to her if things really get that bad. But as the hours pass, her mind runs rampant with the worst case scenarios. She doesn’t want to think that her husband has fallen off the wagon, so to speak. But the more she thinks about his behaviour the past week, the more she starts to believe that Killian has started drinking again.

If he has, they will deal with it. She will ask him when he gets back home, whenever that is. And they will figure it out. They will be fine. She tries not to overthink, she tries to repeat over-and-over in her mind that they will be okay. She tries to remain calm, knowing that he has to be the one to come to her; that she can’t just jump down his throat.

It’s well past 2 am when she hears the locks click and their front door open. Emma sits up straighter on the couch, putting down the book she was only half-focused on, biting her lip in anticipation.

Killian is almost startled to see her, jumping a bit when he turns from locking up the door to see her sitting in the semi-darkness of the living room, the only light is from the lamp she has on.

“Swan, what’re you doing up? It’s late, love.” He sinks into the couch next to her, closing his eyes and letting out a groan as he stretches his arms above his head, his joints popping. “Gods, I’m exhausted.”

“Where were you?” She winces the moment she says those words, knowing how it might have come across.

His eyes shoot open, his lips pressed thin, she can tell that it came out exactly how she didn’t want it to. “At the hospital.” He sits up, facing her properly. “Where did you think I was?”

Emma sighs, reaching for his hand, letting him know that she didn’t mean to sound accusing. “I didn’t think you were coming home tonight.”

That seems to make the tension in his posture reduce, at least a little. “Yeah...I’m sorry we left things so, erm, uncertain.”

She smiles then, leaning against the soft fabric of the couch. “I know. Me too.” She pauses for a beat. “Let’s go to bed?”

Killian looks surprised, and she isn’t sure if he’s surprised that they aren’t continuing their conversation or because she wants him in bed with her. She doesn’t know what hurts more.

(The bed thing. Definitely the bed thing.)

“Let’s just sleep. It’s been a long day and I just want to crawl under the covers with my husband and fall asleep,” she says, almost a plea. She knows she sounds desperate to hold on to some semblance of normality but she honestly doesn’t care anymore.

She wants him to relent. She just wants them to close their eyes and pretend that everything is still fine. But he looks conflicted, and she almost groans out loud.

“Love, I need to tell you something,” he begins. The trepidation in his voice is not helping her stay calm.

“I know, Killian. Just - let’s talk tomorrow, okay?” she tries, tugging on his hand.

“Wait - You know? How?” His brows furrow, almost confused that she has figured it out. Almost as if he wasn’t sending out blaring signals.

“Killian.” She whines. She can’t help it. She’s several weeks pregnant, she’s had a long day and it’s past 2 am! Tears of frustration sting her eyes - why does he get to decide when they will and won’t talk. She has been wanting to talk since this morning and he choose now?!

“You’re not that discreet, buddy,” she snarls. “I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me, Killian. You could have come to me and we could have figured it out.”

“Figure- Love, what do you think I wanted to talk to you about?” She wants to slap him. She really just might. How can he still keep pretending?

“Dammit, Jones. I know you’re drinking again.”

Okay, he looks upset now. Maybe she is wrong. Shit shit shit.

Fuck.

“You think I’m drinking again?” he asks, his voice quiet. He’s hurt, she knows he is. Well, she can’t take back what she said. And maybe, she’s not wrong.

“I don’t know what to think. I’m concerned. Just tell me - are you?”

The pause between her question is the longest one she’s experienced. The heaviness in her heart just grows more and more with each passing second, and she is so close to shaking him. Her hand subconsciously reaches for her bump, rubbing it like she would a worry stone, trying to calm herself down. She’s holding her breath, waiting for the blade of the guillotine to drop on their lives.

“No, I am not drinking again, Emma.” Every word rings true, and Emma lets out the breath she was holding. But...there’s an unsaid ‘but’ at the end of his sentence that makes her heart race and her gut clench, and God, how is she expected to keep her blood pressure from sky rocketing.

“There’s more to it.”

Killian nods, biting the inside of his cheek. “I wanted to,” he confesses, staring down at their entwined hands, his thumb running over her knuckles. “Gods, I just wanted a drink so fucking bad, Swan.”

“Baby-”

“After Ava…. I couldn’t do it, anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to get into an OR and operate anymore. I can’t save these kids from the everything out there in world, how am I going to protect our kid from it?” His words break her. It breaks him, too, apparently, because he falls into her arms, burying his face in the space between her neck and shoulder, tears hot on her skin.

She runs her finger through his hair, her throat tight and it’s so hard to breathe, and how the fuck can this day keep giving her reasons to cry, still. She can’t bring herself to say empty words of assurance, she can’t bring herself to lie, when she’s been asking herself the same question.

How can she be a good mom, when she didn’t even know she was pregnant? How can she be a good mom, when she wants to, in equal parts, be a hands-on mom and a hands-on surgeon? How can she be a good mom, when she couldn’t even tell that her husband was struggling?

“We will do the best we can, Killian,” she whispers against his ear, pressing her lips to the side of his head.

She feels him take a deep breath, pulling away. She swipes at his wet cheeks, her mouth turned down. She feels lost, but she’s at least lost with him.

“I took a sabbatical from work,” he blurts out.

“What?”

“Yeah. For six months.”

“When did you decide this?” She’s not sure if she’s upset or surprised.

“A couple of hours ago. That’s why I’m late. I was discussing it with the chief. I had paperwork.”

“Paperwork?” she repeats, because she doesn’t know what else to say. This is fast - and unexpected. She’s not against it, per se, but, she didn’t even know he was thinking about it. He didn’t even discuss it with her.

“Swan.”

“What?”

“I’d love to know what you’re thinking,” he says, a tremulousness to him, so unlike how self-assured he sounded moments ago. It was giving her whiplash.

“You’ve taken a sabbatical - so you’re not going to the hospital?”

“No, no. I will, for consults. I’m taking a break from surgery; focus on my research with Locksley.”

She hums in the back of her throat, because what else can she say. He should have come to her, the asshole. “Cool, cool. Also, what the fuck?”

He winces, and she doesn’t blame him. He should wince. She’s annoyed. And she’s...confused.

“I should explain.”

“Yeah, that’d help,” she snaps, even if she doesn’t mean to. She rephrases. “I’m sorry. Just - yeah. An explanation would be good.”

“I’ve been sober for a while, right? And I think that just made me cocky? Or something. When Ava died, it was right after your, ah, your fainting incident, and finding out I’m to be a father. It was just all so-” He shudders and she tries not to be too offended. He notices, of course. “That’s not what I meant. I meant that… I was scared. I was fucking terrified. After what Ruby said, I just wanted to stay at home with you and never leave your side until the baby’s here. And that’s impossible, I know.”

“Yeah, you better.”

He huffs out a laugh, and the mood lightens a tad. “I didn’t want to worry you, Emma. And for that, I’m sorry.”

-/-

She is kissing him, and he is mostly surprised, but he would be a fool if you think he doesn’t respond almost immediately. He’s pretty sure he even whimpered a bit. Her lips are soft and inviting against his, and it is just that simple. It’s simple, and neither of them wished to take it further than that. It is tender and sweet, and just what the doctor ordered apparently, because he feels like he can breathe again since that evening.

She rests her forehead against his a moment later, a smile dancing on her lips. “I just needed a moment,” she says, pulling back and drawing her knees to her chest, resting her cheek on it.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“I wish you had just come to me. I wish you’d talk to me. When we got married, we promised that we’d not keep things from each other,” she says softly. He knows she’s trying not to sound disappointed, but he knows her well enough to sense that she is.

“I know. I was trying to handle it myself.”

Emma hums, but he knows she’s hurt.

“Hey, it’s not that I can’t come to you,” he says.

“It’s that you didn’t want to.”

He hates that it’s the truth. He didn’t. “Yeah.”

“I know that you don’t like talking to me about your drinking. I know that you don’t want to worry me. But you not telling me things, that still worries me, Killian.”

“Yeah, I know.”

She makes a frustrated noise at the back of her throat. “So, you’re on sabbatical?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you please say something else except, ‘yeah’?” she snaps.

“I love you.”

“Charming. But that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But it warrants saying. All the time, forever.” She smiles at that, and that’s all he ever wants, in an ‘all the time, forever’ kind of way.

He sucks in a deep breath. “I think I need to go back to therapy.” It’s hard for him to admit, and he knows that it’s harder for his wife to hear it.

But in all these years of being together and a team, he has never found it easy to talk to her about his alcoholism. And it’s not because he thinks Emma will be disillusioned of him. She knows all the dark and gritty parts of him, and she’s accepted them as much as the rest. It’s just - it’s unnecessary to worry her with every single detail. To make her feel helpless.

“I think that’s a good idea,” she confesses. “But this parenting thing? We’re both in it together. We will make mistakes, and it won’t always be the best. But I still need you, okay? I need you to be okay, too”

“I know. And we are in this parenting thing together.”

And he knows that they have more to talk about. This isn’t the end, it isn’t going to be rainbows and sunshine. Emma’s still having a high risk pregnancy, and he’s still an alcoholic and he still very much needs a drink. But knowing the odds that they have crossed - his alcoholism, the hospital shooting, her father passing away, her accident in her final year of residency, his father coming back into their lives - all of it, just shows that they’ve fought for their love every step of the way. They weren’t destined, real life rarely works that way, but goddammit, he’s unbelievably lucky that he gets to spend his life with Emma Swan.

He’ll be damned if he squanders it away.

“Ready to head to bed?” he asks through a yawn.

“God, yes. Can you carry me?” she requests, raising her arms at him.

“Yeah, no. That’s not happening. I’m far too exhausted. If I don’t drop you, I will probably injure you.” He pulls her up, letting her rest most of her weight on him, listening to her sleepy whining as they head to their bedroom.

Once they’re settled, her head on his chest and her bump resting lightly against his hip, sound asleep, he thinks once again about how grateful he is for having her in his life.

They’re not perfect. But they fit, they make it work.

And that’s enough for him.

#cs ff #doctor's au #i literally finished this with one day to spare #there's just so much grey's anatomy in this it's not even funny

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pixelzfairy · 5 years ago

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Vector vs Raster - What Is The Basic Difference and Which One Choose for Your Artwork

If you are a photographer or designer, you probably know what you are dealing with. For the others who are just starting, it can be a little bit overwhelming – raster, vector, bitmap, pixel. I’m expecting that everybody knows .jpeg, .jpg, but what about .svg? What is the difference between .png and .jpeg? Well, if don’t know about .jpeg, probably you have never downloaded a wallpaper then but do not worry, everyone has to start somewhere, someday!

What is actually the difference between vector and raster?

Which formats are used for each of them?

For which projects I should use vector or raster?

For a digital artist, it is very important to understand the difference between vector and pixel art. Each of them has special software and needs, each of them is used for different purpose. Also, every single file format is giving you different options. Today we will look at the basics of these to get a better understanding.

Raster (bitmap, pixel)

Raster images are often called bitmaps. They consist of millions of tiny little squares which we call pixels. Pixel stands for “picture element”. It’s the smallest physical element of a digital display device. It’s pretty easy to recognize it by yourself. Try to open any photo you have and zoom in. Closer you look, more blurry the image becomes and in the end you will be able to see the little pixels. Bitmaps are created with pixel-based programs, captured with a camera or scanner. Usually, almost every drawing/painting app is raster oriented. Creating such artwork is pretty similar to traditional painting or drawing. You have many brushes to choose from, you can blend colors easily to soften the transition, you can apply many filters, gradients, undefined lines and shapes, and complex composition.

Raster format is resolution specific – that means that the photo you just took is displayed in one specific resolution. If you will try to resize the picture, bigger without changing the number of pixels, it will get blurry and not nice to look at anymore. Scaling down its not such a big problem, but the smaller version could be less crisp or softer than the original. There is a possibility to change the number of pixels but the pixels will be added randomly, rarely producing a good outcome.

We have two main names using raster images. PPI and DPI. They are both describing the resolution or clarity of an image, but they are not the same thing.

PPI (pixel per inch) means how many pixels will fit into one inch. A 72 PPI image will have 72 pixels per inch. PPI describes the number of pixels for the digital screen. PPI can be modified with photo/painting editing software.

DPI (dots per inch) means how many dots per inch my printer will print on the paper. Printers are not printing little squares. So how do they do it with raster images? They reproduce the image by spitting out tiny dots consisting of a mix of colors – Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, and Key (black) per the pixel of your image. DPI is set by the printer itself and cannot be manipulated.

That’s why we as digital artists can work with two different color schemes CMYK and RGB. Today we are not going so deep into this, so just put it simply – CMYK is for printing method, RGB is for electronic displays – monitors, phones, tablets etc.

Almost all the pictures you will find on the websites are raster images (even though they could be vector images before). Photographs and pictures in books or magazines are usually also pixel images, but these images are saved with very high resolution what is making them very big files in the end.

Formats of raster images

.jpg, .jpeg, .gif, .png, .tiff or .tif, .psd (Photoshop)

Popular programs used with raster images

Adobe Photoshop, Procreate, Affinity Designer (pixel persona), AutoDesk, Corel and many others

In which hobbies or jobs I can use pixel graphic

Photography, digital painting

Vector

Total opposite from pixel images, vector images are created with a mathematical formula that’s defining lines, curves and primitive shapes like polygons, circles, and rectangles known as paths. Vector graphics have to be created in software that is designed to create lines includes node position, locations, lengths, and curves. Because vector graphics are composed of geometrical primitives, it is very best to use it for more structured images like logos, line art, illustrations with flat, uniform colors, letterheads, and fonts.

Vector images are more flexible and versatile. You can scale them down, up easily and perfectly. They have also no resolution restriction and therefore they are not depended on the output device. And because vector images don’t have to handle millions of tiny pixels, these files are usually smaller than their raster sibling. You can easily recognize vector by looking at the edges, doesn’t matter how much you scale, they will always stay crystal clear and smooth.

One of the biggest disadvantages is the compatibility. They are often saved as native files from the programs they have been created in. Like Adobe Illustrator and their native .ai file. If I will use Affinity Designer to open .ai file, good, I will succeed. But if I will save a file with Affinity, I will not be able to open it with Illustrator. Another disadvantage is the limitation of effects. Vector will be never as a natural painting. It is just not possible. The best to print vector is PDF or EPS, which are producing the sharpest result.

THEREFORE MANY ARTISTS ARE COMBINING THESE TWO TOGETHER AS WELL.

Formats of vector images

.ai, .ait, .art, .svg, .pdf, .eps and many more

Popular programs used with vector vector graphics

Adobe Illustrator, Affinity Designer, Corel Draw, Sketch, Inkscape etc.,

In which hobbies or jobs I can use pixel graphic

Graphic designer, illustrator, printing publications design and others

Conclusion vector vs raster

It all depends on your project. Vectors are best for logos and illustrations. Raster images are classic for digital photography and are very often used for all graphic once they have been published digitally. If you want to repaint Mona Lisa on your iPad, you will not use vector unless you would like to look it as Picasso style Mona Lisa.

Raster images should be used if you require high lever detail (photos) and you don’t care much about by enlarging the image by a great amount. On the other hand vector you will use on images what requires tiny details and might be resized in the future.

#blogging #raster #pixel #vector

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moultrie-creek-gazette · 5 years ago

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Archival Blogging

I love blogging! It has so many advantages for the genealogist/family historian that I can’t imagine trying to research without including a blog in the process. Not only does it allow me to write the stories of my ancestors as my research develops them, it’s also easy to update those stories when new facts come to light. And, it’s amazing how quickly that collection of family stories grows! While even the idea of tackling THE FAMILY HISTORY is overwhelming, blogging “little stories" is a joy.

Blogs are also cousin magnets. Even if your blog stats show few visitors reading your posts, the search engines are keeping a sharp eye on even the smallest blog and will deliver a research cousin in a heartbeat when their search matches your content. Then there is the commenting system included in most blog platforms which have turned blogs into community centers where people gather to share information and inspiration.

There is one issue that has been a concern - a rather serious concern. Most blog platforms have limited backup capabilities and trying to move content from one platform to another is a nightmare. And, there’s the dreaded shutdown notice giving users a short period of time to grab their work before the platform is taken down.

How do you protect your work from crashes, shutdowns and old technology? Here are a few ideas for developing "archival quality" blog posts.

Writing Platforms

This article was written using the Byword [Mac - $9.99, iOS - $4.99] text editing app. It supports Markdown making it a lot easier to incorporate HTML code especially when writing on a mobile device. It also includes an optional Publish feature - a $4.99 in-app purchase. With it you can publish your Byword files to WordPress, Tumblr, Blogger, Evernote and Scriptogram. Byword is just one of a growing number of editing and journaling apps that support blog publishing. Not only do they make it easier to write articles, you also maintain archived copies of them on your desktop. This is handy when you decide you want to turn some or all of those articles into a published book.

Writing apps that support Markdown have another advantage . . . they produce archival quality text. Unlike word-processing apps, each with its own proprietary data structure, Markdown apps save your stories as plain text with simple codes to define formatted elements like bold, italics, bullet points and more. We all have experienced unreadable "orphan" documents created with software that no longer exists. Plain text hasn't changed since the beginning of the digital age. Using Markdown insures that future generations will be able to read your stories.

In addition to Byword, you can also take advantage of a number of journaling applications like WinJournal - $40 and MacJournal [Mac - $40, iPad - $3.99] as well as desktop blog editors like Microsoft's free Live Writer and Blogo [Mac - $30]. Note that not all journaling and blog-editing apps support Markdown.

There's another advantage to using a writing platform for your blog posts. As your collection of stories grows, you'll find it very easy to reorganize and repurpose those articles into all kinds of family history publications. For example, you could pull out all the articles on family members who served in the military to create a Veterans Day (November 11th) memory project. Use them to commemorate a special anniversary or honor someone who has passed away.

You've done the heavy lifting - researching and writing each story - with your blog posts. Now you can enjoy the fun part of family history publishing - turning those stories into beautiful treasures.

#blogging #writing-platforms

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jaspercranswick-blog · 5 years ago

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Convert M4a Information To Mp3

One of the many understated features in Mac OS X is the ability to natively convert audio to m4a instantly within the OS X Finder - with none extra downloads or add-ons. What's more, it permits clients to convert their audio file between quite a few audio codecs, together with WMA, WAV, AAC, OGG, MP3, M4A, and so forth. Any Audio Converter - an all-in-one free audio converter, may aid you convert from WMA to MP3. I have used it to efficiently convert most of my FLAC assortment to ALAC to ensure that it to be playable on my Ipod. Convert AC3 audio to totally different audio codecs like convert AC3 to WAV, convert AC3 to AAC, convert AC3 to AIFF, convert AC3 to FLAC, convert AC3 to M4A, MP3, WMA, OGG, AU, RA, MP2, DTS and and lots of others. Perhaps it comes right down to the question of why serious audiophiles would use iTunes within the first place. If you need a really versatile media player for the Mac (and for Home windows, Linux, Android and iOS) get the free VLC Media Participant at And yes, it performs FLAC and nearly every part else, each audio and video. 2. Higher support extracting MP3 music from video recordsdata. Compressed audio formats will be categorized as either "lossy" or "non-lossy". Examples of lossy formats are MP3, Ogg, AAC. These formats actually sacrifice quality in exchange for incredible compression, making the most of limited disk house. Lossy formats have a bitrate related to them (or a "quality" setting), which allows you to decide what degree of trade-off house vs quality is suitable to you.

Convert FLAC to MP3 online free using aconvert. It's a great tool with exemplary efficiency. The instrument is regular and easy to use as well. It helps many file format conversions too. For online FLAC to MP3 conversion, the method is detailed on the location making the whole course of easy and enjoyable. VOX Music Participant is an audio participant for Mac & iPhone that may play most audio codecs you already know (and don't know) thus eliminating the need to convert M4A to MP3. No matter you play with VOX remains its unique high quality - FLAC remains FLAC, M4A remains M4A. The player is a real blessing for audiophiles and music lovers. Very often it occurs what we bump into audio formats we aren't aware of. Our buddies share recordsdata on the net, we download music or purchase songs unknown excessive-quality audio codecs. Zamzar is one other free online device that can be utilized to convert between different media information. Similar to , this software can also be simple however a few of its disadvantages are that you must enter your email address to receive the transformed recordsdata and the person interface would not appear that fashionable. M4A to FLAC Converter helps conversion without any short-term information it brings you high changing velocity and saves the arduous disk useful resource. Simply convert FLAC information into MP3. Free download and set up this SHN Converter and run it. Note that Faasoft SHN Converter has two versions: Mac version and Windows version. Please download the corresponding version. Here we'll take convert SHN to MP3 as instance. Freemake Audio Converter offers you with multiple options for managing music information and changing them to whatever format you desire. The additional benefit with this tool is that it will possibly course of and convert multiple information at the similar time and performs multitasking as nicely. However you should purchase the Infinite Pack to transform audio information that are longer than three minutes. What's Greatest Discussion board is THE discussion board for top end audio, product reviews, advice and sharing experiences on one of the best of all the things else. A place where audiophiles and audio companies discuss current and new audio merchandise, music servers, music streamers and computer audio, digital to audio convertors (DACS), turntables, phono phases, cartridges, reel to reel, audio system, headphones, tube amplifiers and stable state amplification. Based in 2010 What's Best Forum invites intelligent and courteous individuals of all pursuits and backgrounds to explain and discuss the very best of every part. From newbies to life-lengthy hobbyists to industry professionals we enjoy studying about new issues and meeting new individuals and taking part in spirited debates. Added option to save the creation, final entry and final write time of the source recordsdata within the output information. Step 3: Choose Download format and set the save to" path, after which click on Obtain" to download YouTube music. Laddie: I at all times look ahead a robust FLAC music converter to help me convert any flac to m4a converter windows sound to mp3 for playing on my iPhone, iPad, iPod and https://garrettkillian9.wordpress.com/2019/01/29/convert-m4a-to-flac-free-on-line backup on iTunes. This Any FLAC Converter helps me end it completely. I feel lucky to have this highly effective flac changing app.Lossy audio: make the smallest audio information however the high quality of sound is perhaps affected. Fashionable lossy codecs embrace MP3, WMA, AAC, Ogg Vorbis. Choose a number of M4A recordsdata you need to convert and then click Open. Supply up to 16X faster conversion velocity to avoid wasting your time. The batch conversion mode and multi-thread process allows the consumer to convert a number of iTunes audio, playlists or albums at one time with turbo-speed.

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caseygula7118918-blog · 5 years ago

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‎To MP3 Converter Free On The Mac App Store

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crispy-ghee · 6 years ago

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I’ve been kind of in a bad place for the past little while, mental health-wise

But after a long while of languishing and crying, my mood is definitely up from last week!

I think it was a mix of no sun in Seattle, the stress of traveling, being bad at vacations because I worry about all the work I missed, insomnia, depression/anxiety, and learning about some issues my mom is having that she’s been keeping from us. It all really built up, and as someone who internalizes everything in an unhealthy way, I could barely handle it.

On Friday I finally gathered enough ‘i can’t do this’ energy and made myself step back and focus on stuff within my control. I looked at things specifically in my own life that I had been putting off because of worry. And then I broke everything down to 5 - 10 minute tasks, set a timer to go off in those increments, and slowly went to work. Lil tasks one at a time in short bursts eased my paralysis. The needles are moving slowly, but they're moving.

this is my cute lil timer that I got for $1.50 at Daiso. He’s cute and loud and helpful, and I like him better than my phone timer so there.

I’ve suffered from Bipolar, anxiety, and ADD for the past couple decades, and I’ve gotten obsessive with figuring out systems and coping mechanisms to try and get me through the inevitable anguish spells. It’s been a hard road. I don’t think I’ve made much headway until the past year. But one of the things that helped me was discovering GTD.

I don’t think the system is for everyone, and if you’re not careful you can get finicky and obsessive and still get nothing done. But if there's one thing from GTD that I feel invaluably helped me deal with anxiety-induced slumps is the idea of Next Actions as opposed to traditional to-do lists.

The idea is to name the very next, smallest, doable, quantifiable action you have for any given chore or task or project. Don’t think about the next step yet, just focus on the one you have to do first before you can do anything else. And then when you finish that, name the next smallest, doable, quantifiable action.

Sometimes these things can be tiny, and they seem like they’re not getting you much further than you were before. But 10 minute, 5 minute, 2 minutes of work is still more than you would’ve gotten done if you were paralyzed by the bigness of things. It’s still moving on.

And also before doing anything, telling myself "i'm deciding to do this thing instead of doing this other thing." Even if it's deciding to watch a movie instead of doing comic work. When you do that, it feels less like it's something that just happened to you out of your control. It's weird. It helps me.

Anyway, I'm deciding to set Mr. Mushroom to 5 minutes and go around w/ a garbage bag and pick up all the pieces of trash around the house that I can find in that time. And then I'm deciding to transfer comic files from my ipad onto my computer and maybe decide to work on them later.

Livin' my life one 5 minute thing at a time. It's all my brain can fuckin' manage and that's okay, I guess. I feel better than I have, anyway. It feels like forward momentum, and sometimes that's all I can ask for.

I’m thinking of writing a couple posts about productivity systems/approaches that have helped me here and there over the years, especially as I deal with all this mental health stuff. If you’re interested, give me a shout. I’ll have to pencil it in at some point.

#productivity #personal #long post #mental health

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janinesellwood-blog · 5 years ago

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Prime 6 Free FLAC Converters For Mac OS Customers 2019

Wv to MP3,MP2,WMA , WAV, OGG, APE, AAC(used by iTunes),FLAC(lossless compression),MP4,M4A, MPC(MusePack),AC3,TTA,ofr(OptimFROG),SPX(Speex),Ra(Actual audio), and wv(WavePack). If disk space is more essential to you, then Monkey's Audio may be the codec for you. Ripping and encoding to Monkey's Audio will take you a 3rd longer than doing so with FLAC, however Monkey's Audio produced the smallest file sizes for wv to flac converter free download each of the ten albums tested right here. The space saving is just 5 % of the house taken by FLAC information, a median of 21 MB per album, but if you're on a good disk finances, or if you wish to serve the files from an internet server, twenty megabytes per album might mean rather a lot to you. Once I revealed my last audio format comparability, I was fearful that development on Monkey's Audio had dried up. It turns out I was improper; the Monkey's Audio codec has seen version updates twice this year, so it's nonetheless very much within the recreation. Monkey's Audio information use their own APE tagging system to retailer particulars concerning the audio file. Wait no extra, merely free acquire this powerful WV Converter to edit and convert WV audio recordsdata to effectively play WV audio in Home home windows Media Participant, iTunes, QuickTime, iPod, iPad, iPhone, Android, Samsung Galaxy, BlackBerry and and so forth. Select aWAV audio file or some other supported media file out of your gadget or cloud storage. Convert WAV to MP3 in Windows Media Participant This must be easy, however I am unable to decide it out. I've ripped all my cds to Home windows Media Participant, however seems like many of the codecs are WAV information instead of MP3 files. Apple Lossless, additionally known as ALAC (Apple Lossless Audio Codec), or ALE (Apple Lossless Encoder) is an audio codec developed by Apple Inc. for lossless information compression of digital music. In keeping with Apple, audio recordsdata compressed with ALAC will deplete "about half the house for storing" that the uncompressed knowledge would require. WV to FLAC Converter helps prevalent operation systems. youtube video wv to flac converter online MP3 is the best online YouTube video converter for altering movies to MP3, simply enter a YouTube URL, then it's going to enable you change YouTube to MP3. This system Pazera FLAC to MP3 Converter is accompanied by a selected model of the FFmpeg encoder, tailored to the desires of this system. Mais surtout, comme l'a si bien dit Hum a plusieurs reprises, le FLAC permet d'avoir une source de qualite irreprochable ou presque, et donc de se re-encoder a l'envi les pistes dans le format de son choix. An audio converter is a software used to transform one kind of audio file (like an MP3, WMA, WAV and many others) to a different. As an example, if in case you have an audio file whose format isn't supported by any of your laptop programs , then you won't be capable to play the file with out changing it to a format that your pc helps. That is the place audio converter software program comes in handy. Players are useful if you're in front of your Mac, however you may in all probability wish to add audio information to your iTunes library so you may switch them to your iPod or iPhone. The iPod currently helps solely AAC, MP3, WAV, AIFF, and—on all models except the shuffle—Apple Lossless, so if in case you have FLAC, SHN, or Ogg Vorbis information, it's essential to convert them. Fortuitously, some good, free tools can be found. Principally I have a bunch of WavPack files I'd like to convert to FLAC, with theirwvc files included. I gave the converter a trial run on a couple of files copied from this batch with the setting to delete the supply file; nonetheless, it solely deletes thewv and not thewvc. Which has led me to the conclusion that DbPowerAmp is barely changing the lossy file, and never including the correction file. I can't find any data in the interface that it is converting something other than the lossy info both. Change audio file conversion software is a sound file format converter for Windows or Mac. Convert audio information from many various file formats into mp3, wav or wma information corresponding to wav to mp3, mp3 to wav, wma to mp3 and much more. This audio file converter is simple to use. Simply add the information you wish to convert, select the output format, after which click on convert.

A reduce-down version of WavPack was developed for the Texas Devices TMS320 series Digital Sign Processor. This was aimed predominantly at encouraging producers to incorporate WavPack compression (and de-compression) into moveable memory audio recorders. This version supported options that were relevant solely to embedded purposes (stream compression in actual-time, selectable compression price) and dropped off options that only utilized to full computer programs (self extraction, high compression modes, 32-bit floats). The TMS320 series DSPs are native integer units, and assist WavPack well. Some 'special' options of the total WavPack software have been included (ability to generate a correction 'file' (stream) for instance) and others had been excluded. The port was based mostly on version 4.

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38sr · 6 years ago

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Cintiq VS iPad (9.7 inch)

So it’s been almost a week since I bought myself an iPad and I figured, why not make a post comparing both my Cintiq and new iPad? I always get asked about what tablets I work with and which is better etc etc etc. Now, these aren’t the only options in terms of buying a drawing tablet. In fact, I’ve bought and used tablets under $100 when I first started digital art (in ye old middle school days). The real goal is to find what works for you and for me these two tablets are what suit my tastes and needs. And more importantly, having expensive tools doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll make you draw better. You need to draw more and experiment a lot in order for your drawing to improve.

With that, let’s get into it.

Cintiq 13HD (No-Touch) Price: $900

So, I’ve actually had my Cintiq for almost 2 years now (received in 2016) and it was Christmas present that took 2 years prior to that to happen (part of it was constantly bombarding my parents with how much I need it and saving up the money). There are 2 versions of this tablet: No-Touch and Touch. Personally, I like to place my hand on whatever surface I’m drawing or writing on. I couldn’t tell you why, I just do it. I know some people can write without doing that and it feels weird for me to try and do that. I need to have my hand on the surface to feel out the motions I guess. So, I opted to buy the No-Touch version, which only responds to my stylus pen and nothing else.

If you’re an artist that loves drawing on surface and feels like they can execute better with drawing on-screen, then this tablet is for you. I’ve used tablets that aren’t on-screen drawing types and let me tell you, it’s a hassle to draw like that. Now, there are plenty of great digital artists who use these types of tablets and can make beautiful art, you go and props to you. But personally, again, I need to be able to draw on the surface to really feel what I’m making.

Pros:

Great for stationery studio work that requires more hours for completion

Pen pressure sensitivity is great

Little to no lagging while drawing

Can use as a second screen display (wanna watch Hulu while drawing? Now you can! )

Stylus pen has little button that’s really helpful for changing colors without having to the color wheel to eye dropper tool, just click and go

Compatible with both Macs and PCs

Comes with driver updates once installed so you don’t have to go the website and all that

Don’t have to charge any battery of sorts, it’s simply a second monitor screen

Comes with extra pen nibs, pen case and tablet stand

Cons:

Not portable and needs to be connected to a desktop of laptop in order to draw

May need an adapter for the port since some computers don’t all have HMDI ports yet (mine doesn’t and I needed an adapter)

Cables can get wonky if you continuously unplug and re-plug from moving to different locations, hence why it’s best for you to have a stationery studio to leave the Cintiq to preserve the cables better

Monitor screen slightly washes out colors, so make sure to look at the illustration on your main screen to check if your colors are okay.

Mini Express-Key pad is difficult to use (it’s customizable but you’re better off just using your hotkeys in my opinion)

Tablet stand isn’t the best, too much pressure can make it fall (but for the most part it does the job)

NEEDS TO BE UPDATED OR ELSE YOUR PEN WON’T WORK JUST TRUST ME

Expensive (current listing now is $800 after 2 years)

iPad (9.7 inch) & Apple Pencil Price: $530

Let me start off saying that I actually bought the iPad and Apple Pencil together on sale. This price doesn’t include any accessories like a tablet case and pen case. I’m saving up to buy those things later, but for right now I only paid for the tablet and pen. In addition, the Apple Pencil I bought was also refurbished so it was $10 less that original price ($99).

My iPad Specs

9.7 inch

128GB

Wi-Fi

No cellular

Rose Gold version

1 year warantee

I already own an iPhone so I don’t have a need to call or text people on my iPad. The reason I bought this was so that I’m able to draw on the go more or less. I don’t need cellular to draw on the go. Also, the 9.7 inch iPad has 2 versions: 32GB or 128GB. If you want more space, then you have to pay an extra $100 (which I did cause I’m gonna be drawing and CLIP files can get pretty big).

In reality, had I bought this tablet and Apple Pencil together when it initially came out, I would have paid $700-$800 dollars. That’s like buying a Cintiq but for a smaller screen. So, I waited until prices dropped over time and tried out my friends’ iPads just to get comfortable before I bought mine. I suggest doing this if you want an iPad but not sure if you want to make that jump yet. It took me 3-4 months to save up for this purchase (cause I had a job in my school and started doing commissions, so I was able to save money faster than I did 2 years ago)

Pros:

Portable and easy to store in your bookbag as long as you have a case

Practically no lagging when it comes to drawing

Pen pressure sensitivity is great (like too great, it can go so light that it beats out Cintiq pen pressure sensitivity)

Just like an iPhone, can switch between horizontal and vertical views so you can choose which is comfortable

Extremely lightweight

Colors are great and not washed out

AIRDROP IS GODSENT (wanna finish that sketch you made earlier? AirDrop it to your Mac and finish it on your Cintiq)

Long battery life (I’ve only charged it once so far)

Apple Pencil also has long battery life

Apple Pencil is bluetooth so it connects once you set it up the first time

Rose gold is a cute color

More affordable

Cons:

Apple Pencil needs to be charged and doesn’t have a way of showing when it’s at 100% (gotta hope for the best honestly, but on your iPad it’ll tell you when your Pencil is at 5%)

When needed, it takes almost a day to fully charge iPad

Not suited for work that requires a lot of time, so it’s more of a sketchbook if anything else

If you choose to not have cellular, you can’t really use any apps that require Wi-Fi

Don’t have hotkeys for my drawing program, it’s pretty much manual

Touch sensitive to both Apple Pencil and hands, so yeah it’s a bit of hassle when drawing and my resting palm makes unnecessary marks

So that’s pretty much all I have to say about both tablets in regards to pros and cons. Of course, these aren’t only tablets you can use if you want to do digital drawing. I’m just simply sharing my experiences and thoughts on these particular tablets since I use them. Now, Cintiqs are studio standard equipment (if you wanna work in animation that is) so that’s really the reason why I own one (since I am an animator). I bought the iPad cause I dislike not being able to digitally draw anywhere outside of my room (which is my studio). Or when I go for meetings with my clients for freelance projects and having to use a napkin for drawing. It’s more or less a sketchbook for me. But I do highly recommend the iPad for it’s price since it’s almost $300 less than the smallest Cintiq (which is the 13HD). Also, you can still use your favorite drawing programs (except for SAI I think) and it doesn’t feel any different.

Hope this post was helpful to someone!

#digital art #digital illustration #digital animation #ipad #apple pencil #cintiq #review #digital drawing tablet #tablets #txt

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lesliepump · 5 years ago

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How to Get Started Going Paperless

If you haven’t already gone paperless, you will. It’s long past time to leave paper mostly behind. I went paperless shortly after I started my solo practice in 2005. Back then, it was still a pretty cutting-edge thing for a lawyer to do.

I used to spend a lot of time debunking common misconceptions about the paperless office and pointing out the advantages. It’s not worth doing that any longer. Plenty of law offices are paperless now. In fact, the federal courts have been paperless for years, and even state courts are converting to electronic filing and paperless case files.

If you aren’t paperless already, you need to catch up.

When you are ready to leave paper (mostly) behind, use this guide to get started.

Essential Equipment Needed for Going Paperless

Document scanner. In order to turn paper into bits, you will obviously need a document scanner. If you already have an all-in-one machine, you can use it, but a dedicated scanner is a better choice.

When it comes to dedicated document scanners, there are plenty of options, but only a few good ones, and one clear leader. The best scanner to set on your desk is the Fujitsu ScanSnap iX1500. Feel free to do your own research, but if you just want a great scanner, get the ScanSnap.

For scanning on the go, get a scanning app for your smartphone rather than a portable scanner. The best options right now are Scanbot for iOS and CamScanner for Android.

Adobe Acrobat. Acrobat is to PDF as Word is to DOC/DOCX. There are alternatives, but if you regularly need to rearrange, redact, Bates stamp, and OCR PDF files, you should probably get a current copy of Acrobat Pro. You can get by with Acrobat Standard, but you are better off with Acrobat Pro, which adds useful features like Bates-stamping.

A bigger (or another) monitor. Since you will be viewing documents on a screen most of the time, you will want to be able to look at two pages (at least) side-by-side. The smallest monitor that will do this comfortably is a 21″ monitor, although a 24″ monitor, or more, is closer to ideal.

Better yet, get two monitors if your computer supports that option.

A tablet. A tablet (read: iPad) is definitely optional, but highly recommended. A laptop or desktop display does a poor job of replicating the feel of holding paper in your hand. A tablet, however, makes it easy to lean back in your chair to read a brief or hand a document to someone else to review.

To get the most out of your iPad, get GoodReader.

A shredder or shredding service. Once you go paperless, you will be throwing away more paper, so you will need a shredder or shredding service.

If you get a shredder, it doesn’t really matter which one, so long as it creates confetti, not ribbons. Just get something duty cycle that matches your usage.

If you get tired of slowly feeding documents through your shredder and lugging the bin to the trash room, you could just sign up for a shredding service like Iron Mountain.

Cloud storage. Once you are paperless, you will need a way to access your files from all your devices and share them with any other members of your firm. Dropbox and Box are probably the best options — and they are much better than trying to maintain your own file server.

Backup. Going paperless can be much more secure than maintaining paper files, but a bulletproof backup strategy is critical. At a minimum, use an external hard drive for daily backups. The Western Digital WD Elements line of drives are ideal, no-frills external backup drives.

You should also back up your files remotely. CrashPlan is probably the best option for this. It is very secure and it is a good value.

Set up your backups before you shred anything, and test your backups regularly to make sure they work properly.

Paperless Workflow

Once you have the right equipment, going paperless is technically as easy as putting paper in your scanner and putting the Scan button. But it helps to spend a little time thinking about your paperless workflow and organization.

If you don’t know where to start, here is a basic blueprint that you can tweak as needed to suit your own practice.

Existing files. If you do not have a lot of paper files right now — say 3 bankers boxes or fewer — take an afternoon or two and scan them yourself. If you have more than that, or if you don’t want to lose a day to scanning, hire someone to do the scanning for you.

Related “How to Design Your Firm’s Paperless Workflow”

Going forward. From now on, use your inbox as the gateway to your office. Nothing should leave your inbox without being scanned before you do anything else with it. The inbox is sacred. It must be the only place for documents that have not been scanned.

That is critical, so I will repeat it: Nothing should leave your inbox without being scanned before you do anything else with it. Don’t even pick it up and read it. Scan it first. If you have people working for you, make sure they know that if they violate this rule you will fire them.

Why is this so critical? You cannot afford to have any uncertainty about which documents have been scanned and which have not. The simplest way to make sure this never happens is to make sure the only documents that have not scanned are the ones in your inbox. Everything else has been scanned and can be shredded or saved as necessary or convenient.

Related “How to Organize Paperless Client Files”

Organizing files. The easiest way to organize your digital files is pretty much the same way you organize your paper files. Here is how I set up my client file structure:

In other words, have a Client Files folder, and within that folder make a folder for each client or matter. In each of those folders, have as many folders as you need to organize documents sensibly.

Finally, name your files starting with the date of the document and a plain-language description, like so:

2019-02-06 Letter to Joe Smith RE Settlement Offer.pdf

The date (with the year first) will sort your documents in chronological order, and the description will make it easy to scan your folders for the document you are looking for.

Once you have the right equipment and a basic plan, start scanning! Soon you will have a more efficient, more portable, more paperless office.

Originally published 2015-02-25. Updated 2016-07-26. Republished 2019-12-06.

The post How to Get Started Going Paperless appeared first on Lawyerist.

from Law and Politics https://lawyerist.com/blog/going-paperless-get-started/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

#Legal #law

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storytellers-studio · 5 years ago

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Archival Blogging

How do you protect your work from crashes, shutdowns and old technology? Here are a few ideas for developing "archival quality" blog posts.

Writing Platforms

Writing apps that support Markdown have another advantage . . . they produce archival quality text. Unlike word-processing apps, each with its own proprietary data structure, Markdown apps save your stories as plain text with simple codes to define formatted elements like bold, italics, bullet points and more. We all have experienced unreadable "orphan" documents created with software that no longer exists. Plain text has been around since the beginning of the digital age and won't be going away anytime soon. Using Markdown insures that future generations will be able to read your stories.

#blogging #writing-platforms

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sassyjasonsblog · 7 years ago

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Death of a Coach

Ch. 1

Something bad happened at school. Really bad. One of the coaches was driving to work and....got hit by a semi truck. The day started out normal but then, after 1st hour all the staff got called to the library. Everybody was making jokes saying someone died. We got to 2nd hour and when the bell rang there were no morning announcements. Then the staff came back and the teams she coached were called to the library. We just shrugged it off and continued the math test we were taking. Then all students, grades 7-12 were called to the New Gym. We found seats. People were scared, holding onto one another. Our principal got up in front of the bleachers and told us the news. He said that the coach had died driving to work, without her baby in the car thankfully, when she was hit by a semi truck. It was silent nobody said a word. The superintendent came up and said that there would be grief counselors at the school soon. We went back to class.

Our math teacher told us we dint have to finish the test. We would finish it tomorrow. We sat in silence, working on things, not talking. The bell rang and I started to walk to my next class. The halls were silent. A girl in front of me stopped to hug her friend who was crying, her face red. A friend started talking to me as I walked, trying to lighten the mood, I joined in, but the feeling didn’t last long.

I got to my 3rd hour. It too was silent. When, the bell rang, the teacher walked us through how to fill out a tax form. While she was teaching, girls came in to grab their stuff that they had left behind. Some were going home, some were staying, all crying, all from the teams that she coached. We finished filing out the form and the teacher told us that there was a virtual reality demonstration going on in the computer lab. One person left to go see. The rest stayed. Nobody talked, or if they did they only whispered. People get called down to the office, families, people she coached.

The bell rings, and I proceed to my 4th hour. On the way, I get stopped by my pastor, who is acting as a grief counselor. He asks me how I’m doing. I say I’m fine. This is true, since, I didn’t really know the coach. I get to 4th hour and nobody talks, the only sound is the lockers slamming in the hallway. When the bell rings, the teacher says that the test is being postponed until tomorrow. He says we can go to the VR demonstration if we want. Most kids leave expect two. I make awkward small talk for a minute with the teacher before turning on my IPad and writing. The teacher turns on some music and we sit in silence. The bell rings, signifying that JR. high lunch is done. They are noisy, but it’s mostly boys talking. They’re not nearly as loud as they usually are. More people get called to the office. Two girls come in, grab their stuff and go to the computer lab. A girl pops her head in and says that someone wants to talk to the other person, Biff, in the room. Biff leaves. I sit in silence on my IPad while my teacher sits at his computer. I wait for the hour to be done. One boy, Happy, comes back from the computer lab, grabs his stuff and leaves again. Some people walk by in the halls, talking. They’re seniors going to lunch. A few people come back to class to grab their stuff. A kid, Willy, talks to the teacher about the VR demonstration.

The bell rings and I go to lunch with my friend, who knew the coach. It’s beef nachos today for lunch. We sit down. We talk about random things, but mostly about the class. We finish, and go stand in the halls and wait for the bell to ring. We talk a little but not much. I stop in my math teacher’s room and write something positive on the board. The bell rings and we go to 5th hour. This is my smallest class but everyone’s here but Biff. Happy, Willy, Joan, Brooke, Joan, Rose and I, don’t sit in silence. We talk about random things that have been going on. It seems almost normal. Even more people get called down.

The bell rings and we go to 6th hour. People are talking again. It’s not as lively as normal but that’s to be expected. A lot of people have left or are skipping class. It’s very noticeable. The teacher talks about feelings and grief, it’s health class, and then puts on a video. It runs out it’s America’s Funniest Home Videos. People are talking and laughing, and it’s great. Some people get homework, some go to the library or other classes. Still others sit together in a group talking by the bookshelf.

The bell rings and we go to 7th hour. The teacher is not smiling which is weird because she is normally happy and smiling. Most of the class is gone. People are talking about how tired they are. It’s not silent, people are talking but it’s also not normal. In 7th hour, history, we almost never talk and always work but it’s still a fun class. So sitting and talking is very unusual. The teacher puts on some American Funniest Home Videos too.

The bell rings and we go to 8th hour which is study hall. I don’t have anything to do so I go to my friend, Whitney’s, homeroom. Everybody’s talking and it seems normal. Whitney and I go to the VR demonstration and walk around a bit before going back to homeroom.

The bell rings and we go get our stuff and go home. When I get home everything is normal like nothing happened. When they get home I tell my parents what happened. I tell my sister, too. My mom looks her up on Facebook and asks if she’s related to another of the teachers. My dad just kinda shrugs it off after asking a few questions. My sister looks her up and realizes that she knows her. She asks a few questions, then we don’t talk about it and everything is normal. It’s weird how at school nothing is normal, but then I come home and no one knows the coach or what happened and everything is just normal. It feels like it shouldn’t be normal but it is. It’s just the weirdest thing.

To be Continued

#mywritingattempt

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thoughtsontechnology · 8 years ago

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How to shop for a computer

Almost a year ago I published this guide on a website called personalcomputershopper.com. Long story short the project didn’t really catch on and I took it down just a few months later. But I still feel that the content is valuable and am preserving it here.

Last updated: February, 2017

Introduction

Amidst a crowded landscape of desktop, tablet, laptop, and hybrid options, it can be overwhelming to figure what kind of computer best suits your needs. This guide is a resource to help explain personal computing options, break down specifications, and explain in plain language how it all translates to everyday use. Finding the right computer for you is about striking a balance between what you need, what you want, and what you can afford.

Initial considerations

Before you start pricing out computers, stop and ask what you need the computer to be able to do. If you're planning to replace a computer could that computer be upgraded instead?

Do I really need to replace my computer? Can I upgrade what I already have?

Before we begin, it's worth the time to stop and ask this question. (If you're not replacing an existing computer then skip this.)

Are you replacing your computer because the old one died, because it's too old to run the latest software, or because you're just frustrated with how slow it's gotten? If the answer is the latter, and it's not more than a few years old, then consider whether a tuneup and/or upgrade is a better choice than replacement. Here are a few things you can try:

Tune up your computer. I recommend a free program called CCleaner. Once you've installed it take the following actions:

Analyze and sweep out the junk

Go through the list of installed programs and remove anything which isn't needed. If you're unsure about whether something is needed, check online at Should I Remove It?

Go through the list of startup files and disable services which aren't necessary. Be careful here not to disable anything critical like your wireless card or touchpad driver. Look for easy targets instead, like Adobe Acrobat Speed Launcher or iTunes Helper. Once they're disabled on startup it might take a couple extra seconds to open these items when you launch them, but that's time you save every time the computer boots up.

Install more memory. RAM is typically the easiest hardware to upgrade in a computer. Go to Crucial.com and use their Advisor tool or System Scanner to analyze your system. They'll let you know what type of memory your computer takes, the maximum amount that can be installed, and the number of open memory banks you have available.

The latter point is important when considering an upgrade - it's much more cost effective to fill an open memory slot than replace an existing chip.

It's also important to note the type of memory installed. DDR3 was the standard for the past several years, and DDR4 is the new standard in computers using Intel's latest CPUs (since around late-2015). Memory prices are low right now, expect to pay approximately $4 to $5 per gigabyte of DDR3 or $5 to $6 per gigabyte of DDR4 RAM. On the other hand DDR2 RAM was phased out several years ago, it has lower capacities, and now costs about considerably more per gigabyte than DDR3 or DDR4. If your computer takes DDR2 RAM then it's a far less cost effective upgrade, and that computer is probably at an age where it's due for replacement anyway.

Upgrade your hard drive to a solid state drive. From a performance standpoint an SSD is the most effective upgrade you can install in your computer. SSDs have lower capacities than traditional hard drives but perform 5-10x faster. That speed translates into dramatic increases in boot time, how quickly applications load, file access and search time. Up until recently an SSD upgrade came at a fairly high cost, but prices have now dropped to the point where most 250 GB SSDs now sell for between $60 and $130. To clone your existing hard drive you'll also need an external hard drive enclosure or USB to SATA cable, either of which cost around $10-$15. Upgrading to an SSD is a little more involved than installing RAM, but very do-able for desktops and most laptops. It's basically just a matter of cloning your disk and then swapping out the part.

In most laptops at least one memory bay and the hard drive are easily accessible by removing a panel on the bottom of the unit, but it's not always the case. I recommend searching online for a copy of the service manual before buying parts to upgrade. And remember, when undertaking any computer upgrade always disconnect the power cord, remove the battery, and touch something metal to discharge any static electricity before touching any internal components.

Do I need a desktop, laptop, or tablet?

Yes.

OK, really, that answer is a little contrite but it's a start. Here's a quick breakdown:

Desktop computers generally offer the most bang for your buck and the most customization options. They can be well suited for resource-intensive applications. They're just not portable.

Laptops offer a complete computer in a portable package. They can be attached to a full size keyboard and monitor at your workstation just like a desktop, and are generally well suited for everyday productivity. Laptops are somewhat more expensive than desktop computers for the same amount of computing power, while being not as customizable, upgradable, or easy to repair as desktop computers.

Tablet computers are generally cheaper and less powerful than either desktops or laptops. They are also the smallest and most portable option. A tablet computer has a touchscreen but no built-in keyboard. In general they are best suited towards web surfing, media consumption, and gaming. Tablets are less well suited for everyday productivity.

For a deeper look at the differences among categories I highly recommend checking out the Computer Buying Guide on GCFLearnFree.org.

There are some variations on the market which blur the lines between categories, such as convertible laptops and all-in-one desktops.

Convertible laptops (sometimes called 2-in-1 laptops) combine the features of a laptop and a tablet. They can be used either like a traditional laptop or as a touchscreen device without the keyboard. The transformation is accomplished by the screen hinging around 360 degrees, pivoting to lay flat against the keyboard, or detaching altogether. Convertible laptops are feature-rich but come at a cost. While they're priced similarly to laptops they typically offer less bang for the buck, and are generally bulkier than a true tablet.

All-in-one desktop computers have their components built in to the display. As a result they're more compact and very well suited for environments where space is at a premium, such as a kiosk, on a kitchen counter, or at the register of a retail establishment. The compromise is that they often use components designed for laptops and thus have the same disadvantages compared to desktops in terms of price, customization options, upgradability, and difficulty to repair.

What operating system should I choose?

Microsoft Windows

Windows is by far the most widely used operating system installed on personal desktop and laptop computers, with a market share around 85 to 90%. Consider it a default option suitable for most uses.

Apple OS X

OS X is the operating system that powers Apple Mac computers, and has roughly 10% market share. People who prefer OS X often cite its refined user experience and simplicity. Macs are particularly popular among artists, musicians, designers, and software developers.

Apple operating systems are closed platforms which are limited to running only on devices manufactured by Apple. OS X only runs on Macs, iOS only runs on iPads and iPhones. And OS X integrates tightly with iOS, so if you use an iPhone and/or iPad there are several ways in which Macs provide seamless transitions between using those devices and using your computer.

Apple devices have a reputation for premium quality and cutting edge design, and their customer service via in-store support is among the best in the industry. Their quality and style comes at a cost though. Macs typically cost at least 50% more than other computers with comparable specifications.

There is a common notion that Macs are more secure than Windows computers. This is true, though not because OS X is inherently more secure. Most malware targets Windows' bigger market. Macs are less frequently targeted but not impervious to malware and threats do exist. Mac owners are well advised to not take security for granted.

It's worth noting that Macs are capable of running Windows in addition to OS X, either via dual booting or third-party virtualization software which enables running both operating systems at the same time. Getting the best of both worlds in this way requires adding the cost of a Windows license on top of the already higher cost of a Mac though.

Generally I advise that you go for a Mac if you strongly prefer the operating system, if the integration with other Apple devices is important to you, if you work in an industry where applications specific to your job are only available for Mac, and if you're comfortable with paying Apple's price premium. If none of those things describe your situation, then you're probably better off getting more bang for your buck with a Windows PC.

Google Chrome

Chrome OS by Google is a minimalist operating system built around the Chrome web browser. Chromebooks (laptops) and Chromeboxes (desktops) offer essentially just that web browser plus access to a few system settings. All applications run inside of Chrome. Some of those applications run offline, but most are dependent on internet connectivity to function.

The main advantages are cost - most Chrome OS computers sell for under $250; and security - since Chrome OS doesn't actually install programs locally they're nearly impervious to malware. The main disadvantage is the inability to install programs locally. If you need your computer to run Microsoft Office or any other local software (not web browser based) then Chrome OS is not the right choice.

For more information about whether a Chromebook is right for you, see this guide on GCFLearnFree.org.

Chromebooks and Chromeboxes have become popular options for education and computer lab scenarios. They're great for situations where all you need is a lightweight computer to access the internet. We have a Chromebook that's an ideal everyday kitchen counter laptop at home and occasional travel computer.

Google has been moving towards converging Chrome OS and Android for a couple of years, and it was recently revealed that all Chromebooks launching in 2017 will be compatible with Android apps. While it's yet to be seen how well this is going to work, the implication is that the Chromebooks of the future will also work as de-facto Android tablets.

Tablet and mobile operating systems - iOS, Android, Fire OS, Windows

If you're shopping for a tablet computer the operating system choices are a little different.

iOS is Apple's tablet and mobile operating system, running on iPads and iPhones. As with OS X it is a closed system which is limited to only these devices manufactured by Apple, devices which largely defined the modern tablet and smartphone markets when they were released. iOS integrates tightly with OS X and is also renowned for it's elegance and simplicity. The Apple made devices it runs on are premium hardware and are priced accordingly in the market.

Android is an open source tablet and mobile operating system backed by Google, which runs on devices manufactured by dozens of manufacturers. It is the primary competitor to iOS on tablet and mobile devices, long since surpassing it in market share to become the most widely used operating system on the planet. Android is a much more customizable operating system than iOS, with greater flexibility for users to control the look-and-feel and for applications to access more of the hardware settings and share data with other applications. The Android user experience has come a long way in recent years catching up to iOS, but because many manufacturers overlay custom "skins" and features the end result varies. Fragmentation is a serious issue in the Android ecosystem, and security implications in particular are a cause for concern. From a hardware standpoint, Android devices run the gamut from premium hardware on par with Apple devices down to extremely inexpensive hardware. In general Android devices provide better bang for the buck, and current pricing trends (especially in the smartphone market) are that mid range to high end hardware is rapidly getting cheaper.

Fire OS is a heavily customized version of Android made by Amazon and used on Amazon's Kindle Fire line of tablets. Fire OS does not incorporate Google services, including the Google Play store from which most Android applications are published. As a result, only Android applications listed in the Amazon Appstore can be installed on a Fire device. Fire OS is far less customizable than other Android devices and is largely geared around delivering content from Amazon. Because the hardware is subsidized by Amazon, Fire devices provide better value for the money than most other devices on the market. Other advantages are durability and strong customer support.

Microsoft Windows has been trying and struggling for years to gain a foothold in the tablet and mobile OS marketplaces. According to one report, 2015 was the year that Microsoft "finally got tablets right," estimating that their market share had just surged to 10% and projecting growth to 18% by 2018. Windows tablets can run the same software that runs on Windows desktop and laptop PCs, are are increasingly displacing laptops and desktops at the lower end of the personal computer market. Hardware options run the gamut from less expensive hardware that's priced on par with mid range Android and low end iOS tablets, up to very high end options with the same internal components as higher end PCs that are priced accordingly.

The brain analogy

After you've decided on a type of computer and operating system, then you need to find a computer in that class which can do what you need it to do. I'm a fan of analogies, so here's one which explains core computer components like areas of a brain:

cpu = information processing (Parietal lobe)

graphics = visual processing (Occipital lobe)

ram = short term memory (Frontal lobe)

storage = long term memory (Temporal lobe)

The key when looking at computer specifications is to understand which tasks each of these areas impact and how they translate to your computing needs.

CPU

The CPU (Central Processing Unit) is the core component that basically determines how smart your computer is. Brainpower and cost are directly related here so it pays to choose wisely. When thinking about how much computing power you need, consider the following:

A low end CPU is all you need to surf the internet, answer email, and store some photos

A mid range CPU does a better job with multitasking, word processing, spreadsheets, desktop publishing, light photo editing or casual gaming.

A high end CPU is necessary if you're planning to use the computer for processing intensive tasks such as database queries, complex spreadsheet calculations, video editing, heavy photo editing, or graphically intense gaming.

When shopping for a CPU you'll find that they're primarily measured in clock speed and cores.

Clock speed determines how fast the CPU can think, and the faster it can think the more quickly it can complete demanding tasks.

Number of cores determines how many tasks the CPU can process at once. Some software, especially more sophisticated and demanding programs, can utilize multiple processing cores simultaneously to spread their workload out and make the most of higher-end CPUs.

The finer points: Other CPU characteristics include cache size, type and amount of memory supported, and integrated graphics capabilities.

The cache is a small amount of memory built directly on the processor die. It helps a CPU think more quickly by reducing the average time needed to access frequently used data.

Type and amount of memory supported determine what kind of and how much RAM (i.e. short term memory) can be installed in the computer.

Integrated graphics capabilities determine how many monitors can be connected, their maximum display resolution, and how well the computer can handle tasks like playing videos games or rendering media.

In mainstream computers the CPU costs between $40 and $450, making it potentially the most expensive part in your computer. The CPU is also anywhere from extremely difficult to impossible to upgrade later. In general it helps to understand how powerful a processor you need right now, but if your budget can support going a step higher in this area that's a wise investment for the long run. Several years down the line a little more powerful processor might help stave off obsolescence a bit longer.

Graphics processor (GPU)

The Graphics Processing Unit (GPU) determines how good your computer is at rendering images. For most users the integrated graphics capabilities built in to modern CPUs are more than sufficient. An Intel spokesman was quoted in January 2016 as saying that they "have improved graphics 30 times what they were five years ago" and noting that the integrated graphics inside Intel's 6th generation Core processors can handle three 4K monitors simultaneously. This illustrates the point that for several years mainstream processors have been more than capable of driving multiple displays and playing high definition video. The only reason you might need a discrete graphics card is you have specific applications which require extra graphics processing power, such as video editing, moderate-to-heavy Photoshop use, building a gaming rig, or wanting to hook up a virtual reality headset. Some much higher-end applications such as CAD rendering, medical imaging, and machine learning also make use of GPU acceleration.

On the laptop side of the PC market, there are limited GPU options available - ranging primarily from entry level to mid-range graphics cards, and largely marketed as gaming computers. On the desktop side of the PC market there are myriad options and the sky is the limit for how much graphical oomph (and cost!) you can build in.

Random access memory (RAM)

When shopping for a computer it's important to get a machine with enough memory to handle the tasks you're going to use it for. Having more memory than you need doesn't provide any performance benefit, but having less than you need can severely slow things down. RAM size is equivalent to your computer's short term memory capacity. If it fills up entirely then the computer resorts to page file swaps transferring information to and from disk storage (long term memory) at far slower speeds.

To gauge how much memory you need, think about the applications you run and how much multi-tasking you do. Keep in mind that web browsers can utilize a lot of memory, and the more tabs and windows you keep open the more they use. If you're the type that keeps dozens of browser tabs open so you can go back to them later, you might need a little extra RAM in your computer for that to not slow you down. An easy way to check how much RAM you're using right now is to click Ctrl-Shift-Esc (on a Windows computer) to open the task manager. Check your memory utilization in the performance tab. And if it's at or near 100%, try closing some browser tabs and then check again.

Generally, in 2017 I recommend getting a computer with at least 8 GB of RAM and 16 GB preferred. If your computing needs are light then 4 GB might work, but be wary. Even if the computer you buy has enough memory to run smoothly right now, will it still be enough two or three years down the line? As time goes on software gets increasingly demanding and utilizes more and more memory.

The good news is that in most cases adding more RAM is the easiest thing to upgrade later on down the line. On many laptops there's a panel on the underside which you can open to expose one or both of the memory module ports. Taking out one screw and adding (or replacing) the chip in that slot is pretty much all there is to it. Be aware that this isn't the case on all laptops though - some models are not user-serviceable (i.e. not easily opened up), some have the RAM slots deep inside the machine, and some even have the RAM soldered to the mainboard which makes them impossible to upgrade. If you plan to upgrade the RAM later, verify that's possible before purchasing.

Disk storage

Disk storage is a computer's long term or non-volatile memory. (As opposed to RAM which is called volatile memory because its contents clear out every time the power goes off.) Disk storage retains what's written to it. It's where your operating system and applications are installed, and where your data resides.

Hard disk drives (HDDs) long ago attained capacities far greater than most people need for everyday use. Whether you have a 500 GB, 1 TB, or 2 TB hard drive, disk space for normal computer operations will never be a problem. (Media file storage - such as music, videos, or high resolution photos - may be a different story.) So rather than capacity I prefer to focus on performance. While some hard drives are a little faster than others (5,400 RPM models versus 7,200 RPM models), the truly radical jump in performance comes with an upgrade to a solid state drive (SSD).

SSDs utilize a different architecture than HDDs. Rather than a magnetic platter spinning on a ball bearing, an SSD is comprised of NAND flash cells. SSDs have no moving parts, hence the "solid state" moniker. For this reason they also use less energy, generate less noise and heat, and are less susceptible to damage from a physical shock than HDDs. And SSD performance - data read and write speeds - is 5-to-10 times faster than an HDD. Which means the computer boots that much faster, every program loads that much faster, file system searches and opening files happen that much faster, etc., etc.

In this day and age I discourage buying any computer without an SSD, or if you do find a great deal on a machine which only has an HDD then plan to upgrade it to an SSD right away (and turn that HDD into an external hard drive by putting it in an enclosure). It's true that SSDs are still many times more expensive per gigabyte than HDDs, but considering that HDDs are far bigger than you probably need the cost difference between an oversized HDD and a right-sized SSD isn't very much. Go for the smaller, higher-performing solution and either use a high-capacity external hard drive or install a second high-capacity HDD in your desktop for those media files.

I do however recommend not going too small on the SSD. I've seen Windows computers with 128GB SSDs fill up to capacity after a few years of update files piling up, Outlook data stores growing, and remnants left by other software sticking around. It's possible but painful to use disk cleanup utilities to fight a full disk. 256GB SSDs are a marginal step up in price and worth it to save the headache later.

There's also a middle ground called a Solid State Hybrid Drive (or SSHD) which pairs a traditional hard drive with a small (usually 8GB) flash memory cache to accelerate it. SSHDs offer the capacity of an HDD with better performance, at a slightly higher cost. They're nowhere near as high performing as a pure SSD though. If you absolutely need lots of disk storage inside your laptop (not on an external drive), then an SSHD is a viable option to enhance performance over a traditional HDD while maintaining high capacity.

A new cutting edge of SSD technology has begun to appear in higher end laptops and the newest desktop computer mainboards. New M.2 SSDs utilizing a PCI express 3.0 (x4) interface now offer speeds 3-to-7 times faster than top-of-the-line conventional SSDs. The primary reason is because those conventional SSDs use the same SATA form factor and interface as traditional HDDs. The SATA 3 specification maxes out at a 550MB/second transfer rate. Most HDDs only deliver about 60-100MB/second speed, but SATA SSDs have been hitting the limit of the spec on both read and write speeds for quite some time. Current top-of-the-line PCIe SSDs are clocking 3.5GB/second read and 2GB/second write speeds, beginning to approach the 4GB/second maximum of the specification.

The rest of the computer

Since we've covered the core components with the brain analogy, the remainder of this guide will cover the rest of the computer; such as how to shop for a display, how to choose peripherals (keyboards, mice, webcams, etc.), and what the differences are among USB types. While these things aren't as big or expensive a part of the decision as the core computer parts, they ultimately play a big part in your computing experience and should be considered as a part of your overall budgeting and purchasing decision.

What to look for in a monitor or laptop display

Screen size and resolution are the main things to look for in a computer display, though not the only things.

Size is pretty self-explanatory, it's measured diagonally in inches. Most computer monitors and laptop displays now utilize a widescreen 16:9 aspect ratio. Resolution is quantified by the number of pixels (or dots) on the screen. Higher resolution displays can render a sharper picture, but more to the point they also just simply display more information. More room for information on the screen gives you more room to work, which helps increase productivity.

When shopping, know that higher resolution and/or bigger isn't always better. High resolution displays that are physically smaller will be information dense but text may appear quite small on the screen. If your eyesight isn't well suited to this level of information density then you may be better off with a larger size / lower resolution screen. Or you can compensate by turning text scaling up to make things more readable. It's also worth noting that older versions of Windows (prior to Windows 10) did not do a great job of scaling up to very high resolution screens. This is an area in which Windows 10 has greatly improved and Mac OS X has long performed better.

Laptop display considerations

It's still common to find laptop displays with only 1366 x 768 resolution on the lower end of the market. In mid range and higher laptops 1920 x 1080 is standard. On the high end, there are many with QHD (2560 x 1440), 3200 x 1800, or 4K (3840 x 2160) resolutions available as well. The Microsoft Surface Book offers a 13.5" display with a 3:2 aspect ratio and 3000 x 2000 resolution.

If you're shopping for a MacBook, the current generation MacBook Air offers only 1440 x 900 resolution. All other MacBook models have Retina Displays - the 12" MacBook at 2304 x 1440, the 13" MacBook Pro at 2560 x 1600, and the 15" MacBook Pro at 2880 x 1800. The term Retina Display was invented by Apple to denote a screen with very high pixel density.

There are two main types of laptop displays - glossy and matte. Glossy displays are shinier and colors appear brighter on them. However they reflect more light and are more prone to glare and reflections when used in direct sunlight. Matte screens (sometimes labeled anti-glare) have fewer of these problems though generally aren't as attractive as glossy screens. Windows laptops come in both varieties while MacBooks now are only available with glossy screens.

Another thing to look for in a laptop display is whether it has a touchscreen. This is pretty self-explanatory. For my part I've become accustomed to touch enabled laptops and like the option of interfacing with the computer that way, sometimes my finger is just closer to the screen than it is to the trackpad. Touchscreen displays are always glossy and the option adds some cost. They're now commonly found on mid-range and higher Windows laptops, and also available on a few Chromebook models. MacBooks do not yet offer touchscreens.

No matter what type, size, or resolution your laptop has - remember that you can also hook it up to a computer monitor when working at your desk. with the built in laptop display sitting alongside it as a second screen. Just be sure to compare the display output ports available on the laptop to the inputs on the monitor when planning this setup.

Peripherals - webcams, keyboards, mice

This guide wouldn't be complete without covering the important yet often overlooked peripherals which round out your computing experience.

When it comes to the keyboard and mouse on your desk, many people are content with the cheap keyboard and mouse packaged with a consumer desktop. Or with using the keyboard and trackpad built in to the laptop. There's nothing wrong with these, they get the job done, but there are other options which can provide greater comfort and enhance productivity for power users.

When considering laptops the quality of the built in keyboard and trackpad generally follows the overall expense of the computer; cheaper laptops have poorer input devices, more expensive laptops have better ones. I recommend reading reviews for mentions of how a specific model you're considering performs. Lenovo has a reputation for making some of the best laptop keyboards on their higher end business models but not on their lower end consumer models. Business class laptops from Dell and HP also generally have very good keyboards. And Apple MacBooks have a reputation for good keyboards and best-in-class trackpads. Many mid to high end laptops now also offer backlit keyboards, which is a very nice feature to have. The keyboard on your laptop is not at all upgradable so it's wise to consider this carefully when shopping.

A wireless keyboard and mouse set is a common desktop upgrade. They can be a good option to reduce cord clutter and provide better range of motion, are available at a wide range of price points, and some of the higher end options add additional features and comfort.

For a high end ergonomic option, Microsoft's new Surface Ergonomic Keyboard is garnering some rave reviews.

A mechanical keyboard is another option to consider. This PC World article does a good job of explaining the benefits of a mechanical keyboard. It boils down to durability and a superior typing experience. Mechanical keyboards are expensive though, usually selling for $75 to $200 or more.

"Gaming" keyboards and mice offer nifty lighting features and the ability to program automated keystroke combinations at the push of a button. I put gaming in quotation marks because while the equipment is marketed towards gamers, the functionality can also enhance other productivity.

There's not a lot to say about webcams which are built in to laptop computers. For the most part they're basic quality without much variation in the market. USB webcams for your desktop setup vary widely in quality and features. As with keyboards and mice I'm partial to Logitech products for their quality and reasonable prices. Logitech webcams range from the basic C270 which usually sells for $20 to $30 up to the business focused C930 which offers full high definition video and motion tracking and usually sells for around $100.

Buying guide - where to shop for a computer

The approach I recommend for buying a computer is to first get a general idea of what you need, then decide what your budget is, then try to find the best deal on something that fits. If you're in the market for a desktop PC and have the capacity to build it yourself, that's going to garner the best result in terms of flexibility and price-to-performance ratio, while likely being more reliable than anything you can buy off-the-shelf. In the absence of that here are some suggestions for finding the best deal possible:

Pounce on a sale or coupon

The trend these days is towards flash sales and coupons with extremely limited time periods or quantity caps. The bad news is that a deal you see today could very well be gone tomorrow. The good news is that there's always another deal right around the corner. Doing your homework up front to figure out what you need and are willing to spend can position you to pounce on a great deal once you see it. Here are some places to find those hot deals:

PC Mag best deals

Dealhacker

The Wirecutter Deals

Tech Bargains

eDeal Info

Slickdeals

Apple Insider Deals

Be aware that that while these sites list many of the best deals out there, not everything they list is a bargain. It's wise to always double-check the price against other sources before pulling the trigger.

Retail stores (online or brick-and-mortar)

The Microsoft Store (both online and physical locations) has emerged in recent years as a top tier place to purchase a computer. Their specialty is the "Microsoft Signature Edition" line of PCs which come free of any the pre-installed bloatware that many manufacturers load up their products with. Microsoft Stores also offer a very good customer service experience, and training and troubleshooting assistance on the products they sell. Their pricing is generally decent, and they get competitive with regular coupon offerings. I don't recommend buying cables or peripherals here, because while the quality of what they offer is generally great their prices on these items are not competitive.

The Apple Store is a good place to buy the latest and greatest Mac, and if you shop their online store you can customize the specifications. The advantage of buying directly through Apple is their selection, customer service and support. Apple typically does not compete on price. If you're hunting for a better deal on a new Mac, a couple of good places to shop are B & H or Adorama. Both often run discounts on new Macs, though be mindful to check whether you're buying the latest model and weigh that against the discount.

Amazon is my go to place for cables, monitors, keyboards, mice, and miscellaneous peripherals. They usually win on price and selection when shopping for these items. Understand though that although Amazon has many great deals available, not everything on there is a good deal. In fact there's a strange regular phenomenon on Amazon where sellers in their marketplace list antiquated technology for sale at absurd prices. Buyer beware. Also, while Amazon is generally great for computer parts and secondary items, it's a very hit-or-miss place to purchase an actual computer. PCs are not their specialty, the specs listed can be spotty, and pricing is all over the place. Again, some good deals are available but be cautious and always compare them to other sellers before purchasing. You can also compare Amazon against itself before buying, through a price tracking website called CamelCamelCamel.

Newegg is another go to place for monitors, peripherals, and computer parts. It also can be a very good place to shop for a computer, as their search function typically does a very good job of filtering specifications and their descriptions do a good job of listing what's under the hood. Newegg is generally competitive with their day-to-day pricing and very competitive with their coupon codes and sale pricing, which you can find (or sign up to get via email) here.

Micro Center is the only remaining brick-and-mortar computer parts retail chain in the U.S. It is a great place to buy components, monitors, and various accessories. It's a decent place to buy computers themselves and they offer the benefit of having a competent service department. Be aware though that Micro Center's floor sales staff is not always highly knowledgeable, and they work on a commission or incentive structure. Sometimes I get the impression that they try to steer customers towards certain products which are in their interest to sell more of. My observation is that Micro Center's prices can generally be hit or miss. Some of their in-store only computer component deals (such as Intel processors) are by far the best pricing available anywhere. Advertised prices are generally very competitive. But their pricing on some other items can be on the high side. Overall I recommend shopping there when building a computer, and can accept that a little higher price on some components is both the cost of convenience and offset by lower prices on other components.

I don't typically recommend buying a computer at a retail chain which doesn't specialize in this area, but Costco is an exception. My observation is that their prices are moderate, not the best but also not outrageous. Where they shine however is that every computer they sell comes with Costco Concierge Services, which extends the warranty to a 2nd year and provides free technical support by phone. Taking advantage of this does require being a Costco member, but it's a solid option for non-technical computer shoppers in particular.

Refurbished, used, and closeouts

Shopping for a pre-owned computer can be a high-risk high-reward proposition. I have some experience buying refurbished equipment. I've never had any issue with a refurbished computer monitor, but have seen a fair number of issues with refurbished PCs. I've also seen some fantastic deals on them, typically priced on the low end of the market for high end computers that are a few years old. If you do choose to shop for a refurb, make sure you check the warranty period up front and test the machine thoroughly after receiving it. And only ever buy from reputable sources.

Closeout models are a lower-risk proposition but don't always have as much of an upside. The latest model computers go on sale too, just maybe not as often or as sharply as the older models. So shop around and weigh the price against both the age of the computer and how much comparable computers of the latest generation are going for.

A few reputable places to shop for refurbished, used, and closeout computers are:

Buydig

Woot

Overstock

Dell Outlet

eBay -- Sometimes major retailers use eBay to clear out quantities of older or refurbished equipment, often at great prices. Aside that be careful to only buy from reputable sellers here.

The market for refurbished Macs is a little different. Due to initial cost and quality their resale life stretches on longer. And as a result there are several shops out there who make a business of buying, refurbishing, and selling used Macs. If you go this route make sure that the seller is reputable, check their warranty policy, and look to see if they're upgrading the memory and hard drive. A few reputable places to shop for a used Mac are:

Affordamac

Mac of All Trades

Powermax

Where not to shop for a computer

Best Buy. Their prices on bigger ticket items like computers and monitors might not be bad, but their markup on cables and small accessories is hideous, and their Geek Squad Goon Squad service department has a lengthy and well documented history of customer nightmare stories. Including mine. Shop there if you want to, but steer clear of their extended warranties and do not trust their service department.

Craigslist or any public classified ad. Most people selling goods through classified ads or sites like Craigslist are legitimate sellers, but they often don't understand how quickly computers depreciate and thus tend to overestimate the value of their used computer. So there are a lot of not-very-good deals advertised out there. And sometimes there are deals listed which just seem too good to be true, and sometimes those are - the computer might be stolen or you might be walking in to a dangerous situation. If you do choose to shop for a used computer from a stranger, compare the price that the seller is asking against an advanced eBay search for Sold listings of the same or a comparable machine. Ask them questions about where they got the computer and ask them to provide proof of ownership - if they balk or try to brush your questions off, walk away immediately. And if you do buy from them, meet at a Craigslist Safe Zone or well-lit public location.

Retail stores that don't specialize in computers generally aren't a great place to buy a computer. Their employees typically aren't very knowledgeable, prices tend to be moderately high, and cable and small accessory prices tend to be extremely high. Some of the stores which fit this profile are Wal-Mart, Target, Sears, Kmart, and Radio Shack. Big box office supply stores such as Staples and Office Depot are a small step up. In a pinch I would prefer them to the alternatives, but not as a first option.

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josephlrushing · 5 years ago

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The V-MODA Crossfade M-100 Master Updates a Classic

The original Crossfade M-100 I reviewed are still going strong. Now, however, their price has dropped to an MSRP of just $150. That’s a bargain for an incredible pair of wired headphones. The new V-MODA Crossfade M-100 Master is an update to the original. They look similar but have a few important updates that make them compelling.

The original Crossfade Wireless is also just $150. (The Crossfade Wireless 2, which, along with the Master & Dynamic MW50 and MW65 remain my favorite wireless headphones, are now $280.) Why you might ask, would someone spend $250 when for the Crossfade M-100 Master when the Crossfade M-100 are a hundred dollars less? The simple answer is, you don’t unless you are using a hi-def audio file and a device that can take full support of them. (More on that a bit later in the review.) Still, even if you aren’t using hi-def files and a hi-def source device, there are reasons you might want this updated version of the Crossfade M-100.

V-MODA has sold over half a million pairs of the Crossfade M-100s. I did one of the early reviews and was blown away at the time. (You can read my review here.)

As the company notes,

The world’s first crowdsourced headphones, Crossfade M-100 was developed to achieve ultimate reliability and accuracy for stage performance and studio mastering. Since its release date in late 2012, more than 150,000 professionals and musicians of all levels selected Crossfade M?100 for their craft.

They go on to note,

It now passes the torch to Crossfade M-100 Master, which carries all of its strongest features while raising the bar in comfort, sound quality and durability.

So while the original M-100s were, and are, great, the new version builds on their success but offers several significant tweaks and updates that make them an even more compelling pair of wired over-the-ear headphones.

Inside the box you get the Crossfade M-100 Master, an exoskeleton carry case, a carabiner clip, an ARAMID Fiber-Reinforced SpeakEasy 1-button microphone cable, a reinforced SharePlay Audio cable, a gold plated 1/4” pro adapter, two V-CORK to close either of the two 3.5mm ports and documentation explaining the 2-year warranty and the company’s Immortal Life Replacement Program.

The two cables are nice but, to a degree, are a throwback to when the first M-100s were released. At the time, every smartphone and tablet had a 3.5mm audio input. Fast forward eight years and most high-end phones and tablets have shed the 3.5m port. In other words, for someone like me who has a current model iPad Pro and an iPhone 11, the cables are useless unless you have an adapter. (For the iPhone, you would need a 3.5mm to Lightning adapter while, for the iPad, you would need a 3.5mm to USB-C adapter.)

Fortunately, the company also sent me V-MODA’s SpeakEasy DAC/AMP 3.5mm to Lighting cable. It has a durable, woven cable, a three-button inline controller, a microphone positioned close to the end of the cable, so it sits near your mouth, and a built-in DAC to ensure the best quality music. It’s an additional $101, but it is worth it if you use an iPhone.

At some point, V-MODA is going to need to start including a cable like this (or one with USB-C), but at over $100, doing so would likely require them to increase the price of the headphones. You can check out the MODA’s SpeakEasy DAC/AMP 3.5mm to Lighting cable here.

The range of available cables include:

CoilPro Cable features TwistLock technology and extends listening reach for DJs and audio professionals

BoomPro Microphone ensures crystal clear communication and a next-level gaming experience

Speakeasy DAC/AMP Lightning Cable allows for studio-quality sound from your iOS devices

Audio Only Cable removes remotes from the equation, going straight to your instrument for pure analog sound

I have the BoomPro Microphone from a previous review and find it to be a great way to use V-MODA headphones for things like podcasts or calls. That, of course, assumes your device has a 3.5mm headphones jack.

The company employs a unique design-language that is immediately identifiable. When I first boarded the ship for our latest cruise, I passed by the DJ and immediately noticed he was using a pair of M-100s. When I went up to discuss the headphones, he asked me how I know they were V-MODA. I told him they have a unique appearance. He replied, ”And they sound amazing. Sadly I’ve almost worn these out.” (He was correct, they have gotten a lot of love, and the headband was beginning to show signs of wear.) The Crossfade M-100 Masters employs the same design and look every bit V-MODA.

The headband is wrapped in material and has just enough padding on the underside that sits on your head.

The connection between the ear cups and the headband are made from flat metal. As with previous V-MODA headphones, this metal gives the headphones a bit of an industrial look. I love it. The metal also gives the headphones a superior degree of durability without adding too much weight.

As was the case with the original version of the headphones, V-MODA’s CliqFold Mechanism is present on the M-100 Masters. It allows the headphones to collapse into themselves and take up a far smaller space than would be possible without this feature.

That’s important since it allows the headphones to fit into the included Exoskeleton Hard-Shell Case. This case, another V-MODA exclusive, is tough as nails and far smaller than you might otherwise think. So while some companies design their headphones and then throw in a case or bag that is ”good enough, ” V-MODA designed the headphones and case, so they work together seamlessly.

A Traveler’s Delight: CliqFold Mechanism and Exoskeleton Hard-Shell Case: Travel like a pro with Crossfade M-100 Master thanks to the iconic CliqFold hinge: enabling it to fold into the smallest of spaces, the dreaded question of how to fit your headphones safely and comfortably into your carry-on is officially over. Simply fold Crossfade M-100 Master into its compact travel form, place it in the premium protective Exoskeleton carry case included and either place it in your bag, backpack or luggage of choice, or clip it to the outside with the carabiner clip to maximize packing space.the included carabiner let’s you clip the case to a backpack or luggage.

I’ve traveled extensively with V-MODA headphones and the combination of the small size when they are folded, and the hard-shell case make them ideal for travel.

At home, on stage, and for the long haul: Fold the Crossfade M-100 Master into the smallest spaces thanks to the CliqFold hinge, making it ideal for taking on the road. Most importantly, it fits into the premium protective Exoskeleton case included, which can be clipped onto the bag, backpack or luggage of your choice, maximizing your packing space.

The earcups are made from thick, durable plastic. That might sound like a shortcut, but the quality of the materials and build is fantastic. These headphones put up with a lot of use and abuse and keep doing their job.

The only headphones you can make completely yours.: Endorse Yourself with custom full color or laser engraved shields: with a range of colors and materials to choose from, and the ability to upload your own designs, you’ll be sure to stand out from the crowd.

Just four of the possible customizations

On the outside of the headphones are V-MODA’s unique shields. My review sample is black and has solid black shields. For a few dollars, you can get custom shields that make your headphones unique to you. You can also spend a small fortune and get shields with intricate designs and made from precious metals. I guess that great if you have money to burn, but I’m pretty happy with the stock shields.

The earcups are made from memory foam wrapped in ”premium vegan leather.” It’s a synthetic material, but it looks and feels excellent. The ear cups on the M-100 Master offer a bit more space than the original version and do an excellent job of blocking out ambient noise. These headphones don’t have active noise cancellation, but the seal created by the redesigned earcups is almost as effective. As the company explains:

Larger Cushions Enhance Sound and Comfort with Negligible Noise Leakage: The extra space afforded to the Crossfade M-100 Master via the L (Large) size memory foam ear cushions acts as a natural amplifier while the premium vegan leather cushion covers provide ultimate comfort, guaranteeing fatigue-free long listening sessions, resistance to sweat and overall durability. Together with the virtually indestructible SteelFlex headband, this key comfort upgrade, developed after fan feedback, prevents the development of pressure points so it feels like the headphones are not even there. Through innovative design and hand-selected premium materials, the Crossfade M-100 Master achieves first-class natural noise isolation, creating an immersive 3D soundstage without resorting to active noise cancellation which can pollute pure analog sound.

The earcup design is a relatively small change, but it is worth a bit of focus. For while they look the same as the original M-100s, the new design makes a huge difference. My original M-100s are great, but the combination of fairly small ear cups and a serious degree of clamping pressure become a bit uncomfortable during long listening sessions. The larger ear cups of the M-100 Master combined with slightly reduced clamping pressure, making them far more comfortable. In other words, this change is subtle but, in use, significant.

Unrivaled sound quality: Complete with CCAW Japanese coil, the Crossfade M-100 Master support frequencies up to 40kHz. The re-engineered driver cover enhances driver stability, for the structural integrity to manage a vast tonal range.

Inside, the M-100 Master has 50mm dual-diaphragm drivers. These drivers are an upgrade to the original version and make use of Japanese CCAW coils. Also, ”the re-engineered driver cover enhances driver stability, for the structural integrity to manage a vast tonal range.” All of this helps ”push the sound quality into the ranks of Hi-Res Audio, as certified by the Japan Audio Society (JAS).”

V-MODA has always been fiercely independent, but for the M-100 Master, they partnered with engineers from Roland.

For the first time, Roland engineers managed the tuning process of a V-MODA headphone throughout the different iterations to make Crossfade M-100 Master sound just as sound engineers intended. This co-engineering process emphasized a “creators first” approach and makes the new headphone a natural choice for professional DJs, producers and video streamers who want to improve their skills with an exceptional audio tool.

Specifications:

Type: Over-Ear Circumaural

Speaker driver: 50mm dual-diaphragm driver

Frequency response: 5 – 40,000 Hz

Speaker sensitivity: 107dB @ 1kHz 1mW

Microphone sensitivity: -42dB @ 1kHz

Impedance: 32?

Weight: 283g

So let’s talk sound. V-MODA headphones have always been targetted toward people who love music. DJs love them, and I wasn’t surprised to see the ship DJ using a pair. Musicians love them too. These are not, however, reference headphones. Every pair of V-MODA headphones I have reviewed- and I’ve reviewed quite a few- have been heavy on the bass. The M-100 Master is no exception. They sound crisp and clear. The soup stage is fairly large. And there, bass- lots and lots of bass. So while the headphones are good for pretty much any genre of music, they excel when used for EMDR, Downtempo, and other music with a heavy beat. Since much of my listening falls into these categories, V-MODA headphones are a great fit for me.

What distinguishes the Crossfade M-100 Master from the original version is the Hi-Res Audio Certification.

Experience more with Hi-Res Audio: Powered by dual-diaphragm 50mm drivers, the Crossfade M-100 Master are Hi-Res Audio certified by the Japan Audio Society (JAS). Featuring a sophisticated sound signature and unparalleled clarity from the deepest bass to the sharpest highs, your sound will be so vibrant and detailed, you can practically touch it.

As the product page explains, Hi-Res Audio is “lossless audio that is capable of reproducing the full range of sound from recordings that have been mastered from better-than-CD-quality music sources.”

The company goes on to explain:

In its simplest terms, it refers to music files with a higher sampling frequency and/or bit depth than CD (which is 16bit/44.1kHz). Hi-Res Audio is therefore able to reproduce sound which is incredibly close to the sound originally created by the musicians and engineers in the studio at the time of recording. In short, Hi?Res Audio is the closest thing to actually being there when the artists recorded the track.

Here’s the problem with that. To get Hi-Res audio, everything that creates the audio experience has to support Hi-Res audio. Not only do the headphones need to be capable of handling high resolution, but the source device does too. Moreover, the audio file needs to be a high-resolution file. If everything isn’t ”speaking the same language,” the audio will default to the highest quality shared by all aspects of the experience.

That’s a problem since MP3 and AAC audio files, the most common music formats, aren’t high-resolution. Apple Music compresses tracks, so they are easily downloaded, streamed, or stored. The same goes for other streaming services. So while something like Apple Music is convenient, the ”price” is a compromise on quality.

What does work are formats such as WAV files, the standard format for CDs, FLAC (Free Lossless Audio Codec) and Apple’s ALAC (Apple Lossless Audio Codec.) Most consumers aren’t using them, opting instead for the convenience of streaming or subscription audio.

Also, the audio source device needs to be able to handle these less compressed files and output high-definition audio. The iPhone or IPad, my most common audio source, doesn’t do this unless they are connected to a high-quality DAC/AMP lightning cable. Even then, however, the file format has to offer high-resolution too, so, as the company explains, ”if you’re trying to listen to an AAC track from iTunes, you’re missing the last piece, and your audio will revert to a lower quality.”

V-MODA goes on to explain that the is good news in the department.

Hi-Res Audio support has made its way into all sorts of audio gear, from DJ controllers to computers and even smartphones and car stereos. Just like headphones however, this varies from device to device, so always research whether the device supports Hi?Res Audio before buying. On top of that, all of your audio components need to be able to support the bitrate required for Hi?Res Audio, from the file to the source device, to the cable and finally the listening device.

Does it matter? Yes and no. If you usually use your smartphone and no other audio source to stream and listen to music, you will perhaps not receive the full benefits of a device tuned for Hi-Res Audio as, once again, your devices will not be speaking the same language.

If you do, however, use high-quality files for producing, DJing, mixing, critical music listening, studio sessions, streaming, and so on, you will notice the difference with Hi-Res Audio, making a Hi-Res Audio-enabled device a true benefit and well worth choosing. In fact, a study published by QMUL (Queen Mary University of London) concluded that “people can hear the difference in high-resolution audio.”

It is, to a degree, similar to a picture taken with the original iPhone and one taken with my iPhone 11. They both capture the same scene. But while the picture taken with the original iPhone may look fine on its own, when compared to the one taken with the current iPhone, the difference is remarkable.

Or, for you oenophiles out there… A bottle of $15 red may taste fine until you drink a fine bottle of expensive wine. Once you taste the latter, it is hard to do back.

So are the V-MODA Crossfade M-100 Master headphones only for musicians, DJs, and audiophiles? I don’t think so. Yes, they are great for people in those and similar professions, but they are also good for folks like me who simply love music. For the additional money compared to the original M-100s, you get a more comfortable headphone that is future proof as to the quality of streamed and downloaded music increases. Also, while the sound signature is pure V-MODA, I think these sound a bit better than the original M-100s- even when my phone is the audio source. So while you CAN save some money and get the original version of the headphones, if you have the extra cash, it makes sense to get these instead. Before you do, though, you might want to step back a bit and reconsider. Because while these are amazing for DJs, etc., for us common folks the V-MODA Crossfade Wireless 2 may be the better choice. They don’t offer hi-res audio, but they sound fantastic and can be used in either wired or wireless mode. For me, and I suspect many of you, that’s the sweet spot that balances convenience and quality. Either way, you can’t go wrong. V-MODA makes some amazing headphones. The V-MODA Crossfade M-100 Master is $250. The SpeakEasy DAC/AMP Lightning Cable is $101. Check them out here.

Source: Manufacturer supplied review samples

What I Like: Amazing build quality; The included case is amazing; Durabible; A bit more comfortable than previous models; Sound great when used with an iPhone, sound better if you can access high-definition tracks

What Needs Improvement: Included cables rely upon antiquated 3.5mm standard; Equipment and audio file formats limit who can access the hi-res audio prowess of the headphones

from Joseph Rushing https://geardiary.com/2020/01/24/the-v-moda-crossfade-m-100-master-updates-a-classic/

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