#(i'm so sorry i haven't reached out in fucking forever about it my life has been so hectic of late that i just haven't been able to ;w;)

[sonicprim3d]

" The best form of birth control available for them is to reduce them into a fine dust as quickly as possible! "

[stormberry-12]

Hellooo how are you this fine evening..

I wanted the ask if you could make one for jj where he does something that upsets the reader and she’s crying and sad and jj gets the silent treatment the whole week but he starts to cry hard and beg for her to talk to him and reader can’t help but comfort and hug him and give him all the love that she has and jj is all pouty and sad in the end

It’s fine if not <3 :)

didn't mean to ~ jj maybank x reader

pairing: JJ Maybank x Kook!Fem!Reader

warnings: language, angst, arguing, silent treatment.

notes: thxs for the request! Sorry I haven't posted in forever guys, im doing final exams at school rn and stuff. Also, sorry this is so short. But anyway, I loved this concept and also hated the way they solved JJ and Kie's fight in Season 3 so I tried to recreate it here with a better ending. Sorry, this took so long lol, much love!

"I mean, it would all blow up anyway. You know? Like... Look at you. You got your new threads on!" JJ exclaimed. "Look at me. What do I got? This? This piece of shit?" He threw something out of frustration, panting. You looked back at his run-down house, the eviction notice nailed to the front door with bright yellow police tape crossing over it.

"Getting kicked out of this place in three weeks anyway. shit, I don't even got parents right now. Why would you care? Why would you care? I'm just some loser that..."

"JJ..."

"You don't care. No, you don't!"

"I do care!" you shouted, getting frustrated with his attitude.

"No, you got parents that live in Figure Eight, you know?"

"That's not my fault."

"That's your future." he countered walking towards the water, hand running through his hair in frustration.

"Look, if you need us, we're gonna help you. I'm... I'll help."

"No- It's that right there! Okay? Like... It's so easy for you to say that." he whirled around to face you, yelling, "You know why? Because you're a Kook. You're a Kook, Y/n!"

"Yeah... I'm a Kook. I was such a Kook when I was living in a cave with you for a month! Soaking in the Kook life!"

"That's not what I'm talking about. GOD!" he exclaimed, reaching for his bike, he swung his leg over the seat.

"Jayj, don't leave." you pleaded, the engine of his bike revved and he started to drive away,

"JJ, WHAT THE HELL?" You screamed after him, tears rolling down your face, "MAYBANK!"

You were pissed the fuck off.

The first day after your fight you hadn't seen JJ, you cried for a couple hours, indulging in your favorite ice cream watching a sad rom-com, really getting in your feels.

Kie texted you to ask you what was up, the pogues had gone fishing that day but you never showed, to angry and sad to show your face to the world.

'Ask the blond kid,' was all you responded. you watched as her three typing bubbles flashed beneath your text.

'shit head's not here either,' she responded. 'wtf is going on,'

'fight. he called me a kook.'

'oh shit,' was all she said.

A few days later you walked around the chateau and dug through John B's fridge, you were fully aware of JJ's presence on the couch but still continued to ignore him. It was closing in on a week since you had last uttered a word to him.

Grabbing a chilled beer you walked past JJ and to the front door.

"Y/n," he said, voice cracking.

It wasn't the first time JJ had tried to talk to you this week and once again you ignored him. You slipped your shoes on and walked out onto the porch, slamming the door behind you. You flinched at how harsh it was but brushed the feeling away as you took a sip of your drink.

You sat at the edge of JJ's hot tub, the disco lights twinkled in the water, and the beer started to make you feel nauseous. You set it down and let out a shaky breath, blinking away tears that made the colorful lights spur in all different directions.

'Oh stop it Y/n' you told yourself, you would not cry anymore over this boy, if he didn't want to date a 'kook' that was his problem.

A long time must have passed, you had slid down fully into the hot tub finishing off your drink and basking in your own thoughts. The sun had set and the tides changed across the water.

"Go!" You heard someone on the deck grunt, you looked up to see John B pushing JJ out the door towards you locking him outside. JJ made his way down the stairs awkwardly and stood at the edge of the hot tub across from you, not getting in like he was looking for your permission.

"What do you want Maybank?" you asked quietly.

"I-uh," he sniffled and you focused closer in the dim light to see tears streaming down his face. "I made you a bracelet,"

He mumbled in the softest voice that made your heart clench and reached out to hand it to you. You looked at it closely, intricate little hearts knotted into the design, made with your favorite colors. And of course, the sea blue strings that you had told him reminded you of his eyes countless times. You didn't know what to say. Until you heard the soft sobbing coming from his lips, he thought you didn't like it.

"No, JJ..." you cooed, wrapping the bracelet around your wrist and tieing it in a crisp knot. You slid yourself through the water and stood in front of him taking in his state. He looked at you with pleading eyes and you wrapped your arms around him. He collapsed into you, wrapping his arms around your waist and burying his face in your shoulder. You felt butterflies in your stomach at his touch and lifted a hand to stroke his hair. God you loved this boy so much.

"I-i'm sorry," he cried, "I called you a kook, I'm such a dick, It's all my fault..."

"No, Jayj-" you whispered.

"Yes,"

"No, I am in the wrong too, shouldn't have ignored you like that," you whispered.

"But I called you a kook," he said again.

"And then I was acting like one, it was wrong,"

You stood there in silence hugging each other, you you feel his breathing slow and he recovered to look up at you.

"Please forgive me," he said.

"Always, as long as you forgive me," he nodded frantically at you causing you to giggle.

"Thank god that's over," you heard Pope say in the distance.

"Yeah, pass me one of those?" Kie said, taking a beer out of the cooler, the rest of the pogues walking toward the hot tub.

You all settle down in the warm water, JJ snuggling into your side, looking at your bracelet sweetly for the rest of the night. You kissed the top of his head, knowing what ever happed in the future you could always get through it with him.

[accioprocrastination]

Estranged (part 2/?)

Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Reader

A/n: fluff, angst, grief

Summary: Rooster and his ex best friend go to dinner

The two of you drive in convoy to the small diner that you spent 90% of your childhood in.

Every time you look in your rearview mirror and see is the broncho he's had since you were 18, you feel a mixture of giddiness and fear.

"Why did I fucking agree to this?" You mutter pulling into the parking lot.

Without giving yourself more time to worry about the uncomfortable reality of this reunion, you walk over to his car and wait for him to clamber out.

You follow him as he walks to your booth - the third one in from the back on the right. As a kid you would always insist on sitting in this exact booth because this is the best location to people watch. Scooting in across from him you wonder if he remembered that or if this is a weird coincidence.

"What's that look for?" he asks eyebrows scrunched together.

"Huh?" You respond, trying to ignore him as you pick up the menu from the table.

"Why bother looking?" He asks eyebrows raising, knowing that you both already know what you're ordering.

"What if something else looks better?" you ask.

"Better than the world's best pancakes, what planet are you on over there Kazansky?" He teases.

You roll your eyes as a waitress starts approaching your table.

She takes your orders all the while giving Bradshaw heart eyes. You watch her walk away and glance between the two of you in your peripheral. She's debating whether he's single. Or whether she can take you.

"So?" He asks expectantly.

"So what?" You respond.

"Tell me everything that has happened since we last spoke." He clarifies.

"I drove here and - " You say and he kicks you playfully under the table to stop you talking.

"You know that's not what I meant!" he interrupts.

"Yeah I know..." You respond unsure of what he actually wants you to say. You haven't spoken to Bradley in years it would feel weird to keep things surface level and weird to be as intimate as you used to be.

"Things haven't been great since the last time we spoke." You admit.

"I'm sorry about your dad. I heard through the grapevine that he's sick again." He says reaching for your hand across the table.

You change the conversation topic back to him, asking "What about you, how have you been?"

"A bit all over the place. Work is great now but it's taken forever to get to that stage. I got married since the last time we spoke - " he starts summarising his life over the last few years.

You don't interrupt him but the thoughts in your head come to a grinding halt and then suddenly torrent your mind to the point that whatever he says next is lost on you.

He got married and didn't invite you to his wedding.

Mr Perfect married someone you've never met.

"How did you meet her?" You ask automatically presuming their gender.

"At a joint birthday party of two pilots I was stationed with a few years back." He responds.

"Cool." You say not bothering to sound less disinterested.

You know you fell out of touch but it hurts that he wouldn't invite you to his wedding.

How could he marry someone you don't even know the name of?

"What about you, are you seeing anyone, married, divorced etc?" He asks.

"You know me Brads, my standards are too high to date people." You respond not telling him that your life is in the exact same place it was last time you spoke, except this time your dad is dying.

"Hahahahaha yeah do you remember when Ryder tried to get you to go out with him?" He questions, bringing an uncontrollable smirk out on your face.

"Stop." You say to him with a giggle. "That was the most embarrassing day of my life it genuinely gives me nightmares thinking about that still! We were literally eleven - surely people have enough common sense not to do that at that age?" You ask giving Bradley a dramatic look that makes him start cackling.

You snigger thinking that no one at that age should have a total lack of self awareness to the point that they think asking someone out via a break dance routine is a good idea.

"He broke his fucking leg doing that and you still said no." Bradley is red from laughing at the memory of you trying to shield behind him while being serenaded.

You both stop laughing as the waitress approaches the table and you order your usuals.

"Shocking choice." Bradley murmurs as you went for the same thing you always go for. You roll your eyes at him, annoyed that he would have to comment on that.

Your phone buzzes on the table between the two of you with a text from Coyote, then seconds later it buzzes with a second text "Hangman". Bradshaw mouths from across the table.

You don't have previews on so all you can see is his name on your screen.

It is quickly followed by an onslaught of other texts.

"Do you want to get that?" Bradley asks.

You shake your head not one of those people who will sit glued to their phone when out with someone else.

"You seem close with Hangman." he probes.

"Yeah." You respond seeing the distain on his face as clear as day. "I take it you're not?"

He huffs.

"He's an idiot in the air and on the ground." Bradley shakes his head.

You open your mouth to call him the idiot when the waitress appears.

"Oh you're a pilot?" the waitress asks placing his food in front of him.

He nods totally oblivious to her advances or completely uninterested.

She's literally put lipstick on since she took our orders.

You're annoyed.

This feels awkward and forced and all you really want to do is pick up your phone and read whatever Jake and Javy are saying.

The waitress comes back to ask if everything is okay with the food.

You've gotta be joking, you think when you see that she's taken off layers to show some skin and has undone a few buttons on her shirt.

"Do you think if we stick around long enough she'll get naked?" you remark.

He raises his eyebrows at you looking completely clueless.

"Who?" he says confused.

"The waitress you dipshit." you say without thinking. "She's been flirting with you all night, you cannot be that oblivious." You add shaking your head.

"You jealous?" he teases.

"In your dreams Bradshaw." you roll your eyes, not admitting that there might be some truth behind that.

Part 1 in case you missed it

Masterlist

[tortadecereji]

So, me and my friend @megamispe rewatched Monters vs Alians lately. My first thought? Why not make a komaeda centred au based on that lol. My computer broke, so I haven't drawn all the characters, but here's some doodles.

I'm having lots of fun with this au, so ill probably post more of it later. (Feel free to ask me about it if you'd like!)

Also, check Mega's twitter account, she gave me a lot of ideas for this au!!

The story would follow the same line as the movie, except that I added some stuff, so here's about the characters for now if you'd like to know:

Nagito Komaeda: Pretty much the same thing that happens to Susan in the movie, except... he's Komaeda...

Nagito was supposed to marry Byakuya the day a large meteor hit him. Said meteor contained a large amount of radiation that Komaeda ended up absorbing at the impact. Of course, he survived the incident due to his luck.

However, the radiation began affecting his body during the ceremony, which caused his previously light brown hair to turn white and his height to increase unbelievably huge. With that the wedding has been ruined, the guests were scared for their lives, Byakuya was grossed out by him now, and a monster containment organization has been called to capture him. The only ones who did worry about Nagito were Sonia and Gundham, but they could do nothing to stop him from being captured. Komaeda blames himself and his luck for ruining what should be the happiest day of his life and convinced himself that no matter what he tried, his chances of having the loving family he always longed for would always be taken away from him.

Byakuya Togami: He's the heir of the Togami corporation—just like in canon— and was about to marry Komaeda more for status and money than love. Nagito's family was loaded and had control over many interesting businesses for Togami, that's why he chose to marry Nagito, who was the only person left in his family. But once the radiation took over Komaeda, Byakuya gave up on the idea instantly. He did not want to deal with a giant-sized Komaeda, thinking that would ruin his image and career. It's not like Nagito has his family's assets now that he's a monster, so he's not interesting to Byakuya anymore. (Togami is a fucking asshole in this au, I'm sorry, Togami fans)

Sonia Nevermind + Gundham Tanaka: They're Nagito's best friends. Since Nagito's parents are dead, they're the ones who always help him out, including at his wedding. They were the only ones who were more for Komaeda himself after the meteor episode. Gundham even tried to stop some of the soldiers from the organization, but that was in vain, he and Sonia were pulled out of the area as well as the rest of the guests.

Eventually, when the monsters get Mukuro's permission to leave the containment base, Komeada goes directly to Gundham and Sonia's house so they know he's okay. Both Sonia and Gundham don't mind his new form, they're just happy to have their best friend back safe and sound.

Bonus: Gundham says that Nagito has reached his true form and that he knew from the start that Nagito wasn't entirely human. Komaeda shrugged it off as he knows it's just Gundham's dramatic way of speaking.

Mukuro Ikusaba: She takes the role of R. Monger.

Mukuro is a very talented soldier who got promoted to be in charge of area fifty-something(yes, the same as the movie. I'm not creative), where the monsters are being kept. She's cold looking and very straight to the point, but she also has a soft spot for the monsters she takes care of. That being said, she goes on her way to make sure they're comfortable in their new forever home, even if they can't escape to the outside world due to how humans would react.

After some months after Nagito's containment, Mukuro received the information that a huge alien robot bear had arrived on earth and proved to be a threat as it was killing innocent people and causing despair all over the place. Mukuro convinced the government to use the monsters to fight the robot since not even the armed force could, and in exchange, the monsters could finally be free.

Needless to say that Mukuro cared a lot for them, so she was very nervous about this decision as they could get hurt or even die.

Chiaki Nanami: Chiaki is a werebat. She has been in area fifty-something since she was 15. She's now 23.

Nanami has been found by the monster containment organization with one of her wings broken, so it was easier for them to capture her. It was a scary experience, she hated it there, but things improved when she met the Ultimate Hope, who she only calls Hajime(or Izuru if he's in control), they got attached very quickly as they noticed they were both very lonely and had problems socializing with the others monsters in the facility.

When she was 18, Mukuro got her promotion. Chiaki was cautious about her at first, but that soon changed as Ikusaba showed the monsters genuine care. Mukuro even gifted Chiaki a portable game console, which led to Nanami hyperfixation on games.

Nanami got interested in Nagito almost instantly, when he got into the facility, because of her curiosity. She surely hadn't planned that, but after some months, she and Hajime had developed a very strong bond with the white-haired man.

Hajime/Izuru(Ultimate Hope): The Ultimate Hope was born from a failed experiment a mad scientist performed on his son—Hajime Hinata— when the boy was 5 years old to try and stuff all talents known in the child's brain. That resulted in the creation of Izuru, however, the scientist hadn't expected Hajime's memories and soul to still be alive after the experiment. The Ultimate Hope was captured by the monster containment organization right after said experiment when they ended up killing their father in a post-trauma rage assessment.

Hajime and Izuru, despite showing different personalities, are the same person. They have the same feelings, same memories, same body... if, somehow, they were to be split apart, it'd be similar to cutting off a body member.

Hajime and Izuru intercalate who's in control of their body depending on the situation, Hajime being more in control during social and support situations, and Izuru during situations that require a bit more logic. Usually, Hajime's the one in control and izuru appears as his shadow. The same happens when Izuru takes control, but Hajime's the one being his shadow.

As previously mentioned, they take interest in Nagito and decide to approach him alongside Chiaki.

Akane Owari: She's a werewolf. Surprisingly the most difficult one to capture.

Akane has been found in a small village scaring some villagers away so she could steal their food and bring them to her younger siblings.

The monster containment organization tried to capture her more than once, but she always escaped using her inhuman speed. She also put up a fight leaving many soldiers harmed, but never killed them. She has only been captured one day when she came back to her cave and couldn't find her siblings anywhere. She lost the will to fight and let herself be captured.

She still don't know where they are, and that worries her very much, but she allowed herself to enjoy her new life since she not only got free food in the facility, but also got along pretty well with the other monsters.

King Monokuma: It is a gigantic alien robot that Junko sent to earth, in Japan to be precise, to torment the humans and bring them despair. However, King Monokuma is merely a distraction from her actual takeover plan.

She knew that the robot bear would get the world's attention, having most of the countries send resources that they believed would help take it down, as King Monokuma was believed to be a menace not only to Japan, but to the rest of the world too.

Still, even with how strong the robot was, it was defeated by the monsters strangely easily.

Junko Enoshima: Junko is an alien that destroyed her own planet. She's completely in love with despair and wants every living being to feel it.

It's always the same plan, she sends one of her Monokumas to scare the inhabitants of the planet she chose, and kills a bunch of people, only sparing a few that she thought that'd make wonderful remnants of despair and make them destroy their home planet themselves...

She'd watch the chaos and also plan more despairing things to do with the planet's inhabitants, like different types of killing games, until she gets bored and went to the next planet.

But earth is a little special for her, as it would not be the first time she'd be there. This time, she's eager to see a certain soldier again, but not only that, she wants the amount of power that had been contained within Komaeda(of course she doesn't knows that he's the one who has been hit by that meteor...yet).

Bonus thingy: Hajime/Izuru and Chiaki teach Nagito how to feel love. The trio + Mukuro and Akane become a founding family!!!

[lollytea]

hi i know this is so outta left field but "line without a hook" came on my playlist and i got knocked off my feet thinking abt sobbing robert hl.

my mind literally flashed back to chapter one abt how hunter felt abt willow and all kinds of shame and guilt abt it abd trying to repress a lot of it but good GOD he cares a whole lot AND AND HOW HE'S GOING TO TRY TO BE THERE FOR WILLOW BUT TRY NOT TO BURDEN HER WITH HIMSELF *AND YET HE STILL CAME TO THE DANCE BECAUSE SHE ASKED HIM!!!!!!!*

*AND WILLOW STILL HAS THIS WALL UP EVEN THO SHE DOES LIKE HIM AND ENJOYS HIS ATTENTION!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW THE DEPTH OF HIS AFFECTION!!!! BUT SHE FEELS SO ALONE AND WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING, SHE DOESNT SEE WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO REACH OUT!!!*

ok sorry for yelling with my popcorn brain i literally lost my mind a bit thinking abt them for a moment. thank u for ur time 👋

YELLING BARKING RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES

I think it was in 2021 when I played Line Without a Hook to DEATH and at some point I put it away and haven't listened in forever. It might have been on my hunlow playlist very early on but I got rid of it because it was basically white noise to my ears back then because I had played it so many times ahsbsjnk

Listened again after like a year with Sobbing Robert in mind and AAAAA!!!! MEDICAL ATTENTION!!!!!!

Hunter is just in a constant state of absolute shambles. He's trying very hard to come up with logical explanations as to why he finds Willow so overwhelming, FOR HIS OWN SANITY, WHICH IS DANGEROUSLY DWINDLING, and he is very deep in denial but ultimately he knows. He tries not to know but he knows. He knows and it's tearing him limb from limb and he doesn't know what to do about it but he knows that ignoring her isn't an option. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do with her, but he doesn't know what he would do without her. And he's scared of the future and he's scared he's gonna lose her so he's desperately grasping for whatever traces of her he has left, even if he doesn't know how to hold them properly. Bro is constantly yearning to do SOMETHING but he can't get past the mental obstacle to acknowledge what he wants to do. Category five loverboy event happening here. So he's just gonna start flinging himself into Situations just so he can be around her, wondering why the fuck he wants to be around her so badly in the first place cuz it makes him want to throw up. But he wants this, he needs this, he's just trying to satiate whatever is inside him that wants so desperately.

Willow acts like she's so wise beyond her years and she understands everything and she's got a great handle on her feelings for Hunter but she's just as in denial as he is, except in different ways. Hunter can't even bring himself to ENTERTAIN the idea that he might be in love (though he knows. He knows deep down) while Willow lets her silly little crush chill on the living room couch of her mind, because she thinks she's got the whole thing under control. She's like "I think he's cute and silly and I'm flattered that he thinks I'm pretty but I'm not interested in being anything more than friends with him" and then lets her feelings get into all kind of mischief without her supervision because she doesn't see them as an actual threat, even though they are very VERY dangerous to her current situation. She's so stupid I love her.

They are both so fundamentally lonely. They both have this great chasm of emptiness inside of them that they're trying to fill with life's many distractions, though Willow is having a better time of it than Hunter.

They've been reaching for each other for years without realizing it. Stretching their hands out as far as they will go, desperate to brush against the others fingers. But there's always a wall, a gate, a mask, a glove, a suit of armor, a shell, a tree, an assumption, a whole universe that keeps them at a distance. So many tangible and intangible obstacles at play here. It should be SO easy for them to just come together and hold hands. They are next door neighbours. They could not physically get any closer. And yet they're still strangers, and yet they still don't know each other the way they think they do. But they know enough to know that they'd LIKE to know more. And they'd be prepared to handle whatever secret the other spills. Maybe. Possibly. If their stomach can take it.

I'm sorry what were we talking about? I got lost in the debris and blurted something out. Thank you I love you, this ask made me crazy. Thinking about them constantly. So excited for the next installment where they kiss or strangle each other or whatever the fuck happens idk I haven't read it

[starssgalore]

Baby please come back; namor x fem!reader

A/N: alright y'all, this is the last part. You might be mad at how it ends but trust!! It's better than what I originally drafted out. But there are new things coming. But if you liked things like this PLEASE like and follow. I love writing and sharing stuff on here and I want to continue so please tell me or show me you like it too!!

warnings: brief mentions of drowning, very emotional, very angsty...

tags: @rose-bliss247 (sorry if this is not the right account!!), @caroldxnvxrs, @violet-19999, @omgsuperstarg, @deliciousfestsalad

part 2 playlist updated! taglist

'I fucking knew I should have come, this is what I get for messing with a mutant god for 3 years.' The only thing you could think of is how dumb you we're, "No wHeRe nOt GoIng To nAmOr'S BeAcH." Should have left when you could have. But here you are, tied to a chair in a room that is all too familiar.

He still has that goddamn painting of his quote on quote, "glorious and vicious" battle with the princess of Wakanda. But nothing else has changed, the table cloth, the blankets and lights haven't changed one bit since you left. It was actually the first thing that drew you in when you first got here. Maybe he didn't change them because he knew you liked them. You wished he changed his kidnapping approach, almost died getting dragged down here.

"Namor, what do you want? I'm not gonna sit here and be tied to a chair while you have your general point their spears at me." For the last 10 minutes he's had Namora in the same defensive position, whilst he paces back and forth. "Silence, you no longer have any sort of authority here anymore. You lost that privilege when you left two years ago." "Authority?! Are you crazy, your people did not care if I was your so-called "close friend." Two years ago you kept me basically a secret and then asked me why I was mad being kept a secret?!" You can't believe this man, so full of himself. All he can say is 'you no longer have authority here.' "Namora, you may leave, go back to patrolling." Namor's expression was a mixture of tiredness and somewhat relieved, as if he's happy you're back. Even after he made that huge argument, he's acting like nothing happened.

"Namor, what do you want?" Leaning down to reach your chair, "I want you back." He whispers, his voice flowing through your mind like a familiar symphony. "You lost me the day you threatened me." Hold your ground, the last thing you want to happen is him thinking you're dependent on him. "This isn't an option, I've already told my people that there will be a new queen soon. I can't let them down y/n." Namor's proposal is almost infuriating, you wait years for Namor to tell his people about you.

And now when you leave he tells them? Fucking ridiculous. "What makes you think that I would even willing agree if this was an option." "Well it's what you want right? You said you wanted the people to know about you. So here I am telling them about you." A god who doesn't understand the concept of the past can't be fixed, shocking almost. "Namor, that was 2 years ago. I've moved on. I'm dating people, I hope that you move on too." "Move on y/n, I can't just move on. You were one, and I was just blind I didn't realize how much I need you in my life. You made me feel human again." His words make it so tempting to go back, to fall into those arms again.

To kiss his lips as if there the only thing you need, to rule by his side. Be his one and only, again. But there comes a time to be real and wake up from your delusional dreams. "Namor, mí amor." You caress his face, the feeling of his stubble underneath your soft fingers tips send a shiver down your spine, "I can't just got back to loving you. I would love to forget what happened but I can't, what happened 2 years ago will stick with me forever. It's best if we're just friends." The last couple of words you let out send a ringing to Namor's ears, as if he's gone deaf on the spot.

Coldness is all he can feel throughout his body, numb to the words you spoke. A stage of grief hitting his body like a train, he's lost you. There's no way your coming back, your just "friends" now. "Oh... o-ok. I understand." The break in his voice makes you wanna give him the biggest hug Namor has ever felt in his life, but if you do you'll fall back into that trance. "Namor please, please don't cry. I still love you just not like I used too."

None of the comforting words you speak to him will make him feel warm again. To fall in love with a mortal is a dangerous thing is the only thought I his now empty head. The world spinning so fast around you, body feeling dry, as if he needs to dive, deep into the ocean to soothe it's hunger.

"Um y/n, I need to go. I'll have Namora come back and untie you. I'll see you sometime again, just not now..." And with those last words, Namor out of the room and into the ocean. Your heart aches, the amount of pain you feel is too large. You never meant to hurt him like that, it wasn't supposed to go like this. 'It's ok, just breathe. Namor is fine, he is ok, he will be fine. You did nothing wrong. He's ok, he just needs to clear his head.' Namora finally cuts the rope that holds you bond to your chair, and finally brings you back to your ship.

On the cruise

The walk back to your room was slow. Filled with the conversation you just had, thinking about if you fell back to him, if you gave in. How it could have gone better. But too be in love again with Namor is dangerous, a commitment you're not even sure about taking. Sadly, your in depth thought is broken up by Kira's drunken state.

"Y/N?! Where the hell were you?" Words slurred together, "Sorry Kira, I had gotten caught up-" "Caught up in what Y/N? We're on vacation, you can't just leave me like that.." "I know I'm sorry it's just I need to like be alone for a second. I'm gonna go sit on the deck if it's still open." All you need is a place for you to clear your mind.

On the deck

Maybe you should go back, what harm could be done. Well you could drown on the way back, but if you make it there what's the big issue. You could burn the world with him, rule with him, be Namor's one and only. Just swim back. The breeze is almost pushing you off the deck, as if it's trying to tell you to go back. Maybe the wind was right. It wouldn't hurt, like to be with what you thought was the love of your life.

The recliner was just at the guard rail, if you jumped now no one would see you. Plus you could always call Namor, or he would eventually come right? No. If you jump off now you'll be stranded in the water and Namor would be too depressed to get up and swim to the surface to grab you and rescue you to shore. And if you drowned, he wouldn't kiss you on the lips to start mouth to mouth because he's so sad about you. Maybe going to the deck was a bad idea.

The only way to resolve this is to get off the cruise and go back to the beach. The only way this "idea" will leave your mind is if you go back, which is physical impossible. You know what, there's nothing you can do, just sit down and relax, is the only thought running through your mind. How can you make it up to Namor, or if you should even make it up to him.

Well, I hope y'all are good with that cause this is the end! Not the end of my writing but I have more things along the way so don't unfollow me now!!! But as always...

xoxo,

hoshi 💫

[thestarrynightslover]

Okay, so PD s11 finale theories:

Route A: they work real hard get to the killer and Voight but it's too late and he's dead/dying/dies en route to Med/at Med

Though I'm not so sure abt this cause we haven't heard about Jason's leaving (no, I am not up to date with who's already been confirmed to stay, sorry)

And if this happens, I think Hailey, or someone else on the team (prob Hailey), will kill the offender and it won't be the best of shoots so she'll be forced out of the department, or it'll take a toll on her and she'll take Petrovic's advice and make a change in her life (leaving cpd, and what I'm gonna say now is another discussion entirely but: she might not even wanna continue to be a cop and let's remember she has a college degree!).

OR

She'll just be really shaken by Voight's d3ath (which will be her losing another one she loved/who was her family) and will leave bc of that, she'll think that job is taking more than giving.

Route B (a happier and therefore less likely one, lol): everything will work out and Voight will be okay but Upton's good work as a team leader will be so praised that she'll get some sort of promotion and will have the opportunity (and accept, again, following Petrovic's advice) to lead another team.

OR

Even saving Voight, she'll kill the guy (or he will!! And she'll want to take the heat) and be asked to leave the pd/leave bc she can't leave like that anymore.

In summary, I think the episode, despite being a finale (which are usually more team-coded), will be Upton centric and will highlight those conversations abt mental health and change between her and Petrovic and that's gonna have everything to do with her leaving.

Another conclusion I'm reaching after e12 is that (total shocker, yes I know 🤡) there will be no upstead reunion/closure whatsoever, bc Hailey's departure is not gonna have anything to do with that. And even though I will most likely be over the moon if we get at least a phone call with Jay, I don't think that should happen bc as much as they did the upstead break up really dirty and bad and fucked up with all those unanswered phone calls and stuff, I think it wouldn't make any sense to bring him back or even up at all again, for obvious reasons: we haven't heard about Jay/upstead in forever now. Literally no mentions that either even happened on the show ever since Jo's first episode where she points out that Hailey just got a divorce. And even though Hailey's not healed at all after all she went through (not just Jay's leaving!!), it's like she has gotten some sense of closure on that part of her life and to bring that all up again would just be straight up cruel with her/them (cause whatever happens, I don't see them getting back together, so...). But this is a drama (read character-hater) show, so who knows, right?

Well, that's it, thank you for coming to my ted talk if you made it to the end of this rant. Bye, see ya next week!

[matan4il]

It's been a month since the lives of every Jew around the world was changed and I know that I for one will never fully recover from this. I'm sending you and everyone I know in Israel so much love and support because I know that at least I can live relatively untouched by what's happening.

I desperately want to talk to my non-jewish friends about what's going on but I honestly still have no idea how to do so because the situation is so unbelievably horrific that without having actual family and friends involved (or living in Israel), I don't think it's possible for anyone to appreciate how fucking terrifying everything is.

The news broke today of an American Jew dying after being attacked at a pro-palestine rally and there has been zero coverage of this outside of Jewish circles. I still check behind me when I commute because I'm afraid someone is gonna push me under a train because I am Jewish.

I joked, in the dark way that a lot of us do, that would I have to die for the gentiles to take the Jews' fears seriously and now someone has, it's clear that is being murdered in broad daylight (and not ok Israel because apparently it's clear that being in Israel invalidates your right to life in a lot of people's eyes) isn't enough to even get people to listen to us.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hi, love! Sorry it took me a moment. I'm doing my best, but I hope you know that my heart is always with you!

I feel exactly the same. My life will never be the same. Everything feels different. And we will heal, but scars this deep, they don't disappear. They will always be there. We have been forever changed. And I think that's... I think that's a Jewish experience that many former generations had, and we fooled ourselves to think the generation of the Holocaust would be the last one to go through this.

IDK what advice to give you on talking to your non-Jewish friends. I can tell you I've had many who reached out to me, and it's been so heartwarming. I've had three that I reached out to, but pretty much because I saw them spreading hate filled posts, and I thought they could, and would want, to do better. That didn't really work out, but then I guess if they were extreme enough that I felt compelled to reach out to them, maybe this attempt never really stood a chance. All I know is that I do feel better for having tried. But if you have friends who are not that far gone, yet they haven't been talking to you about this, then maybe an option would be to tell them that you need to share your feelings and thoughts. People often shy away from politics, but if they're really your friends, then they would listen to you sharing these more personal aspects of what's been going on.

Yes, the news about Paul Kessler's homicide were horrifying. A 69 years old man shouldn't have to be scared to go out expressing what he thinks in a free, democratic society. Please, do be careful! What this world should be, it clearly isn't.

I'm gonna be honest, after everything our people had gone through, I'd rather Jews be alive and hated, than spoken of compassionately, but dead. If the world had shown full empathy for every single one of the massacre's victims, I would still give all of that empathy away to have our people back, alive and well, unharmed. What's insane is that even dead Jews no longer get any empathy, not in Israel, and not outside it, as you've pointed out. So many people who claim to be reblogging anti-Israel posts, because they value human life, have failed to reblog anything condemning the massacre, or the rise in antisemitism, or mourn Paul.

IDK what we can do other than be there for each other, and speak up as much as we can, and where and when it's safe for us. I am sending you so much love, and the softest of hugs, okay? Please do let me know how you're doing, if you feel like it. xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[sunsetkerr]

dont wanna be depressing, but how do you deal with parenting your dad?

- 💛 (anon who parents both parents)

hi my love, welcome 💛

I’m more than happy to dive into this, but it's gonna be longggg so I will put this under the cut so I don’t get too sad on main lol, but- quick tw beforehand: heavy drug addiction, anxiety disorder, smoking, drinking, infidelity, parenting your parents, absent father and mentions of suicidal thoughts.

quick backstory! my parents were very on and off throughout my entire childhood. my dad cheated on my mum a total of 13 times, what a guy! my mum? literally the most girl boss, resilient woman I have ever met. worked 3 jobs whilst she was pregnant because my dad was on meth and ice at the time.

so my parents finally broke up for the last time when I was eight.

I saw my dad once a week, until he blew up on me for wanting to call my mum to say goodnight, on the night of my 10th birthday. he went ballistic at me and after that, I didn't leave the house apart from school for a year because I would have panic attacks every time I went somewhere.

my dad is very embarrassing. he's not just emotionally abusive to me, but to his mum, sister and my cousins (without realising the extent of his actions). he is very 'poor me, I'm the vicitm' which is something I have noticed recently.

I really am the only person that my dad has. he now realises that because I'm an adult now, he cannot treat me like a little kid, because I will leave. I dont tolerate that behaviour, I am not as forgiving as my mother.

last year, my dad blew up on my grandad who is 81 and has dementia. my grandma and him haven't spoken since. a few nights ago, my dad rang me around 8pm, and I instantly thought 'what does he want now?'. because he only calls me when needs/wants something.

my dad is on the phone drunk and ends up getting onto the topic of my grandma not speaking to him. he's crying on the phone to me, tells me how he was going to k*ll himself when I was a kid, but that I was the only thing keeping him alive. very fucked, a lot to put on your 20 year old daughter.

he says that he needs my help to repair his relationship with my grandma, and everyone else. that he knows he can always count on me.

it's a sad thing to have to parent your 51 year old father, and have those big hurtful conversations about what he's done wrong and trying to keep him in check. but it's the reality for lots of us! know that you're completely not alone in this. I am really lucky that I have the best mum in the world, she is my best friend and I would definitely be a different person if I didn't have her to rely on.

so to hear that you have to parent both of your parents is really upsetting and im so sorry. im sorry you've had to grow up so quickly, because that is mostly the case in these scenarios. my biggest tip would be to look after you. it's okay to break down, I did the other night for the first time in a while.

its really hard to talk to people about it, because lots of people dont get it. my boyfriend grew up with a classic white-picket fence family and has no idea how to handle the things that I say to him about my dad, but he's trying.

as long as you are getting some kind of support, you will be okay. and if you're not, make time to support yourself. remember, you are the only person that you have forever. you start your life with your parents, but your life doesn't end with them- your life ends with you, so take care of you.

im really sorry that this is reality for you. im sending you so much love, and if you ever need someone to vent to about parenting your parents (or anything else) I'm here <3 thank you for feeling comfortable enough to reach out to me.

[limpfisted]

@moonlitdelirium [ REGARDING FATHERS, LOVERS, CONQUESTS, PRIDE. I love my gay son and the worm in his head / that keeps the vampire and the tentacles out of his bed. ]

It's strange, sharing a space with your Father and someone you consider a.... lover is much too generous considering you haven't touched except to dance. A fancy, perhaps. A mutual crush. A fling, if you're kind and flippant about it. They could always, always be more, and yet, there's such an abundance and yet a lack of space and boundaries between them that could only ever end in "yes but"---"no ands and no us."

But the affection Wyll feels for Astarion is so real. So overwhelming. If not for his fear for his Father's life, he may have done something terrible, something awful, something drastic and evil he felt so much bloody care and affection strung high and loaded low in his chest.

He almost told Astarion he loved him.

It was just so heroic. So beautiful, to Wyll. So brave. To take responsibility for all those spawn. To be better than his.... Father? Wyll's not quite sure what they were to each other really, only that they were a family the same way the House of Healing were reputable surgeons.

It made Wyll so grateful. To see Astarion grow like that. Far beyond Wyll's reach, really. How could he hope to compare? He'd never faced such hardship. He had hoped, once, and honestly believed---that no one in Baldur's Gate ever had to.

Wyll had bought flowers with his Father here, to place on his Mother's grave here, and the wishing tree where Wyll now will forever dream of taking Astarion was here, and the fishing spot he snuck away to between lessons was here, and he stole a peach here, and he LOVED watching Dribbles the clown here, and he played swords and magic against imaginary goblins here, and he had gotten in trouble in the Flophouse here for loitering around and trying to peek inside a place Astarion had spent hundreds of years in, countless thousands of nights. Fuck.

When would their paths have crossed on the map, if not for the tadpoles? Could Wyll have saved him, pulled him from Cazador like he pulled him from out of the ritual so he could stay his Father to death? He was only a boy, when he left. How old was Astarion, when he died the first time, but no, never the last.

The Duke looks at them funny. Looks at Wyll with his sad, soft eyes towards his... Something or Other... and half-cringes, half-sighs, and then looks away. And when he keeps looking... He just. Well he looks at them funny.

Not with hate. Wyll knows that look. Its burned in his retina, hotter than the Hellfire in his veins.

But one of confusion. Judgment.

That one, Wyll is used to. But it has never felt... good.

How can he explain? To Astarion, to his Father?

Why does everything have to be so much more complicated than fighting goblins for the adoration of the common folk?

Wyll isn't sure----isn't sure if Astarion heard it the first time. Or if he notices.... all The Duke's looks, when Wyll looks at him.

"I don't know if you heard it the first time. A lot was happening. You must have been.... overwhelmed. But I'm proud of you, for making the choice that you made."

And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry no one protected you, and no one loved you, and no one stopped it. I'm sorry bad things happen in the world and there are monsters and villains and people who hurt people. You didn't deserve it. You never deserved it. Not after the first spawn, or the second. Not after the hundredth spawn. If you had gone through with it---I would've understood. Its too much to bear, and I wish. I wish I could help you bear it. I can't give you the world, I can't give you safety, I can't even give you my love without scaring you away. But please don't think---because of my Father---that I don't---that I won't try to understand you---after everything we've been through together.

"I... honestly don't know what choice I would have made, if I was in your shoes."

Thank Gods he wasn't. Hopefully no one ever will be again. If Astarion's pain is a solitary sin, a blight against the world's goodness, a testament to the power of evil and wrong---then let his healing be its greatest triumph, proof that good things can happen, to those who deserve it most.

[yourdeadcutie]

Here's a rant I wrote at like 3am

I don't know how i feel about my mom anymore. I can't stand by her if she can't stay still. Everyday it's something new with her. I don't have a car,i have a new job, I'm starting school,i leaving school,sorry i can't pick you guys up,do you wanna come wirh me this Saturday. It's a whirlwind of false promises. Maybe I'm tried of wishing i had my mom back. I miss my mom. I don't know where my mom went. I haven't seen her in forever and i don't know if i want to. I'm not mad at her but I'm not happy with her. I know I'm hurting her but i don't wanna get my hopes of a normal relationship with both of my parents just for it to crumble,again. It's like being a bug and knowing you're bond to be stepped on. I don't wanna get stepped on again. I'll stay in my little hole in the ground until I die. That doesn't stop the longing I have for the outside.

I'm in highschool now. I have some good friends,even a guy I'm into. It still doesn't beat a longing I have for the past. Everything was new to me. I wasn't scared of opening up to people. I had friends,both parents in the same home,my siblings weren't bond to the house like they are now. And i wasn't so fucking fat.

I have friends now but will they ever compete with the friends i had then who i explored my childlike wonder with? I don't blame them of course. Maybe it's my fault for getting so attached. I didn't know any better as a kid. I just wanted everything to be the same even though everything then was shit. Back then i could still dream that there was better out there for me. I know now that I'm going to end up like everyone else in this fucking city. I'm gonna get a shit job,with shit people,shit love life, shit friends and no one will truly understand that I'm human. I'm here. Most people see me as the friend, the sister,the daughter,the ex,the old best friend,all of this and not me. Ameris. This name is old. People mispronounce it all of the time and now i haven't bothered to correct them.

Sometimes I wanna change my name and run away to Vermont or Michigan. Why those? Well i don't know. Now i wanna say Missouri because that's where my ex lives and I feel like with him I'm a person. But now he's my ex. We didn't fight. I just wanted attention when he couldn't give it to me. I could only be human with him.

I promised myself i wouldn't get attached to a teenage guy of all things. I broke that and now I'm alone. I was before but then I was sure no one would love me for me. Now that i know one person at least has some type of romantic feelings towards me (or did) I feel like that was a one in a 1000000000000 thing. My boyfriend wasn't like other guys or at least not like guys in Texas. (Insert ex's full name) He likes blue Gatorade. Doesn't like tomato or coconut. And I long for him. Though i don't think the feeling is mutual. I've thought about reaching out again. Climbing out of my hole. Afraid to be stepped on. Is this the infamous "first love" because it's really shitty.

End of rant. - Jane

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS IN LOVE - Chapter 21 - Part 2 BOOK THREE: 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning - Adult Content*

Samuel Moretti

"Carter," I called to him with a wave when he looked up from his phone and waved back.

He gave me a quick hug when I got to him and we both settled into his car.

"We haven't talked in forever," Carter said.

"I have so much to tell you."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I've been so busy with school," and having a mental breakdown every night, no big deal.

"But tell me everything."

And by the time we got to my house, I had heard two months worth of Carter's life that I had miss.

I gasped dramatically.

"Carter Matthews, are you in love with Elliott Wheeler?" I asked like it was the craziest notion.

We got out of his car and headed up to my house.

"Shut up, I'm not. Love is stupid," he claimed and I rolled my eyes but chuckled.

"But... I don't know," he shrugged.

"I really, really like him."

I smiled at Carter's confession

"Well I'm glad you made up but honestly... I'm surprised you're in an, not only exclusive relationship but a committed relationship with him. That's huge for you."

"Yeah. It's crazy that he still likes me after all the shit that went down and we've been officially together for a month, now."

I shoved his shoulder as we got up to my front door.

"Don't talk like that. There's a reason you're my best friend."

I stopped before opened my front door and switched to a serious tone.

"I'm sorry we haven't talked much. That's on me. It's just that... ya know, after..."

"I know," he said.

"It's okay."

Once I got into UIC and started seeing Noah again, part of me felt guilty about still being friends with Carter.

Like I couldn't talk to him and try to rekindle my friendship with Noah, so I stopped reaching out to Carter as much as I used to and he started texting me less and less.

But nonetheless, Carter said...

"You're still my best friend too."

I smiled and opened my front door.

My parents weren't home and I knew wouldn't be home for another couple hours but who I really wanted to see.

"DJ," I exclaimed as my cat came into view.

I knelt down and picked him up.

"Hi buddy, I've missed you. Gimme a kiss," I told him and he bumped his nose to mine.

I chuckled.

"I'm so sorry I've been gone."

"Damn, you show that cat more love than me," Carter said, shutting the front door behind us.

"Because DJ's my child, you're just.. you," I said jokingly.

"Ouch," Carter said with his hand over his heart.

I set DJ down and stood up but he followed me all the way to my bedroom as did Carter.

In my room, Carter spoke.

"So... how's college life?" he asked, sitting on my bed.

"Actually, I don't care about your classes. I want to hear the drama because for you to last minute call me up to come get you from the train station, either something happened with Benjamin or with Noah. My bet is on both."

I groaned and laid down on my bed, DJ hopping up and pressing his paws into my stomach until I pet him.

"You'd win that bet," and I told him everything up to Noah confessing to me in the bathroom.

"Holy shit, I thought I had an exciting two months. You have two guys pining over you. What the fuck?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Like you didn't have every girl and gay boy pining over you in high school."

"That's true. I guess my glory days are over."

"This has been far from glorious for me."

"I don't know what you're talking about. The love of your life told you he loves you and you're still questioning everything?"

I sat up and gave Carter an incredulous look.

"It's not that simple."

"It is. Sam, you got into UIC and ISU 'where your current boyfriend attends' and you chose the college your ex attends. If you didn't want him back, you wouldn't have done that. You want Noah back, so fucking take him, he basically put himself on a platter for you."

I shook my head.

"It's..." my heart was racing because of course what Carter was saying was the truth.

But then I registered what he said.

"How'd you know I got into ISU?" I questioned him because I never told anyone about that.

I told people I got rejected from ISU.

"Ah, cause I'm not a fucking idiot," he spoke with the 'duh' implied,

"You're obnoxiously smart, no way they denied you with your perfect GPA and every voluntary bullshit thing you did in high school."

"It wasn't a 'perfect' GPA," I muttered but Carter was right.

"Plus, really? Applying to the school your ex-boyfriend goes to? Might as well write on your forehead that you're still trying to get that Noah D."

I gapped at Carter and shoved him off the bed which only made him laugh.

"You're gonna tell me I'm wrong? I've seen the dick pic he sent you, I know he's..."

"Okay, okay," I said quickly.

"Jeez, don't bring up that mortifying moment. You guys traumatized me," I said dramatically, referencing to the time Noah sexted me 'back when we were together' during my lunch period and my old friends and Carter saw a very private photo of my boyfriend.

Carter found my mortification very humorous.

"Shut up."

Carter sat up on his knees with his elbows on my bed, facing me with sparkling eyes.

"Just tell me how long Benjamin's dick is because there's no way you're choosing him over Noah if his dick isn't as big or more lengthy than Noah's."

I rolled my eyes and shoved his face back.

He leaned up on his elbows on my carpeted ground, DJ walking over him like he's a jungle gym and asked...

"Okay but seriously... Benjamin and Noah... tell me."

I sighed but gave in.

"Fine, if you want to know... yeah, Noah is better in bed and is dick is bigger..."

Carter sat up as he hollered and wolf whistled before I could even finish my sentence.

"But," I added loudly.

"But Benjamin... he's... he's just more... comforting."

"Oh my God," Carter exclaimed then made a jerking off motion with his hand.

"Oh my God. Drop him, Sam."

"But I like him. He's kind and..."

"And blah, blah, blah. For fuck sake, I don't even care if you get with Noah at this point but do yourself a favor and dump Boring Benjamin."

"You guys are such dick-heads with that nickname," I said yet still chuckled.

Talking with Carter felt good and helped me untangle some of the mess in my mind.

By the end of the day when Carter dropped me back off at the train station and we said our goodbyes, I wasn't scared anymore of my decision with breaking up with Benjamin.

Noah, on the other hand... I needed more time to think about.

But time really did work in funny ways.

[monomorphilogical]

No good and worn through

we've got nothing else besides a cardboard box time machine

where I tried strangling the life out of what you've seen

there's a burn mark in the corner where I've pressed the weight

I'm always living it down when it's too late

pushing through the genesis flood with my eyes shut

they tried to tell me it hurts to grow up with your knees cut

but I was too busy digging my own grave the day I turned sixteen

burying six feet deep in the place my love should have been

— and I didn't want anybody to sleep besides me

'cause it would've felt like sleeping next to a dead body

always coming up empty like a deer exit wounded with buckshot

everything I once loved has soaked into everything I forgot

and I was mispronounced through a mouth full of dirt

singed nerve endings kept misfiring into hurt

my dull teeth always sunk into every hand that I was dealt

and I tried to beat myself up until I forgot how it felt

made me sick to my stomach — I'm more trouble than I'm worth

took me a long time to pull myself out of God's earth

the body unfamiliar and empty — it used to be me

I could see the bone deep ligature marks that run in my family

we've all got bodies buried in the mud and dirt

fate fucked me hard when they gave me the name rebirth

and I held onto my memories like a dog with a bone

but they still ended up beneath some old cemetery milestone

and now I don't remember the parts that I think I should

no good is gonna come of this — I'm no good

'cause I can still remember your blood ran warm on the inside

cruel in the way I sat there and watched as it dried

there were all these traces of me in between

but I skipped stones and towns — I didn't want to be seen

I strangled the life out of a soul and it crucified me

— swinging softly from my family tree

now I'm left staring at the worn out edge of my hunger

and your scarred over indents that I made when I was younger

there are so many things I've done to you that I regret

and you've been there since I met you — you haven't left yet

why you ever came back is a mystery to me

you talk like you've never known what it felt like to hate me

and I could never hate you but I think that you should

'cause the things I do remember hurt real good

tried to look you in the eye sitting at the other end of the table

there was so much I wanted to say but I wasn't able

still scared to death by the way you were looking at me

'cause they say there's a lot more to lose when it comes easy

and I'm already holding onto it like I do

swollen up with guilt and trying not to dig too deep into you

I'm sorry — I try to be good but I should've been better

all my bravado washes away in heavy weather

you were there in front of me and I couldn't recognize you

'cause you looked the same as the day you came into my view

and I would've reached out if I didn't stain everything I touch

the hunger in my haunt becomes too much

forever ruminating about all of the ways I didn't hold you

when you needed me to —

and you knew I cared but how much was enough

they've always told me I was strong but I was never tough

you're better off without my no good and worn through

I would never make myself ask that of you

and time will drag on without the way we were supposed to be

what I’ve been praying will eventually get out of me

there was a day where I never even wondered if you were sure

but now I'm aching to ask if you know what you're up for

'cause we're talking about the weather and nothing that matters

nobody knows how long it'll be before the display shatters

and I would hold my breath but I don't want to stop this

'cause I forget the things that I would miss

if I was better I'd let you be and go somewhere far away

but I'm too scared to regret that mistake for forever and a day

so I'll keep it close until hell catches up with me

when my time comes I'm sure I'll burn for it eternally

[casspurrjoybell-32]

*Warning Adult Content*

TWO AND TWO - Chapter 9

Naylan

Mavis was confusing the fuck out of me and it was starting to get on my nerves.     

"On one hand, he tells me that he doesn't want us to mate or anything and now he wants us to be friends that kiss sometimes?" I whined to Georgiou's wife, Leigh, as she took the empty cup of beer I had finished before dropping a plate of pizza rolls in front of me.

"Yeah, that sounds like it sucks," Leigh said, grabbing a stool before joining me at the kitchen island.

We were both in the kitchen of her and Georgiou's place.

I stopped by when I was downtown and that was starting to be less and less since the pack in the woods had started to become more stable and self-sufficient.     

"I'm sorry for ranting," I murmured, picking up a pizza roll before taking a bite.

"It's just been getting to me."     

Leigh nodded, resting her head on her raised palm.

"I understand."     

"Like, he said we should be friends who kissed but we haven't done that yet. He hasn't even held my hand," I whined, not carrying that I sounded like a YA novel protagonist.     

Leigh snorted, hiding her grin with the back of her hand.

"You really want that kiss from him, don't you?" 

"Maybe..." I trailed, licking inside my mouth before picking up another pizza roll.

"He's my mate after all. I'm allowed to feel like this, aren't I?" I asked, watching her nod.     

"Oh absolutely," she said, raising the cup of juice she had brought for herself to her lips.

I smiled, letting out a sigh as I stared down at my plate of food.

One evening when I had come over, I had been an emotional mess and Leigh had stepped in where Georgiou couldn't.

It wasn't very long until I told her what my problem was... my mate... my confused as hell supposed to be, life partner that was made and shaped for me by the Goddess.   

"I just want him to be straightforward with me. He seems to like me somewhat, so I'm not sure what he's doing..." I said, narrowing my eyes at the marble island surface as I thought of all the walks I've had with Mavis so far.

He was less on guard these days and seemed to enjoy being around me or maybe he was just happy to have someone to talk to.

He came from a small community of about thirty coyotes and he had told me he was an only child.

After hearing him talk about his father a bit, I understood where his commitment issues might have been coming from but it still frustrates me.     

Don't get me wrong.

I don't think he's playing mind games with me... at least, not intentionally but it does feel like he's leading me on since he can't come up with a concrete answer.     

"Give him time," Leigh said, making me snap out of my thoughts.

I blinked, raising a brow at her.

"It took Len forever to tell Adyen what they were because of the complicated circumstances and I think this is similar in a way..." she paused.

"Not the recessive wolf part but the complicated part," she clarified, reaching out her hand to grab my free one.

The number of bangles she wore was comical to me.

They were colorful and stacked up against each other, making any hand movements from her sound like a rattle stick.

I'm not sure how they haven't stopped blood flow yet, even.     

"Yeah, that's true," I said, narrowing my eyes at her hands.

"He does have people to take care of and he's hesitant about that and a whole other situation that he's dealing with from his past."     

Leigh smiled a little.

"See?" she said, getting up from her chair before picking up her cup and heading for the sink.

"Just be patient."     

I smiled, resting my head on the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, you're right." Leigh always has a way of making things seem trivial and I guess that's why I told her about Mavis and not Georgiou or even Adyen.     

I was drifting in and out of a nap as Leigh washed dishes wiped the kitchen counters down with a rag.

She'd started playing a podcast from her phone and it served like white noise as I waited for her to finish cleaning.

My eyes flickered to the clock sitting on the counter at the far end.

I licked my lips, noticing that I would have to start heading back to the pack grounds soon.   

As I was figuring out what route I would take back the door to the kitchen flung open, making me and Leigh look over to it.

Georgiou was standing by it with a frown on his face as his chest rose and fell.   

"Oh, Naylan, you're still here," he said when he caught my eyes.

His expression softened as his eyes drifted to Leigh.

"I wanted to talk to my wife if that's alright."     

"Alone?" Leigh asked, dropping the rag she had in her hand before wandering over to the kitchen island before pulling out a seat for herself.     

Georgiou seemed to think about it for a while before he shook his head.

"Nah, it doesn't matter if Naylan is here. It might actually be useful information for him."

The blond man I had come to look up to as a mentor strolled over to the kitchen island before pulling out a seat for himself again.   

"I got some troubling information. Remember when I told you a few of the packs were complaining about missing goods?" Georgiou asked, looking at his wife and then me.

"I think I told you too."     

"You did," I said, nodding my head.

The packs had assumed that my wolves had something to do with it.

I was a bit irritated about that but it had been a fair assumption since we'd snatched equipment here and there when we first got to Toronto.   

"Okay, so they found who the culprits were," Georgiou explained and Leigh and I both stared at him.     

"Isn't that a good thing?" Leigh asked, making her husband shake his head a bit.     

"Yes, and no," Georgiou said, looking from side to side as if he was about to drop a bombshell or a secret.

"They tried catching them. It should have been easy since they were described as young-looking and a bit malnourished but it wasn't," he went on, sucking the inside of his lips.

"They shifted into hyenas."     

"Hyenas?" Leigh's voice was small like she couldn't believe her ears.   

"What's shifter hyenas doing in Canada?" her voice was growing higher.

She sounded scared and there was a good reason that she was.

Hyenas were stronger than any wolf... even an Alpha.

It didn't matter how young they were.

The only wolves that could clash with them without running with their legs behind their tails were the small population of dire wolves left and maybe some wolf species that outweighed them, though hyenas tended to be quick on their feet and agile.

However, these were just things we were told growing up, most wolves haven't seen hyena sifters, they were this thing that existed by weren't thought about too much because of distance... they lived in Africa, the middle east and stretched into the Asian continent. 

So, back to Leigh's question. What were hyena shifters doing in Canada?     

"I got some of our hunters to sniff around," Georgiou continued.

"It seemed like a few spotted hyenas escaped from the local zoo and the zoo didn't leak the information so as not to scare people. If there's no sighting by humans, then they're not going to just talk about it and will do their investigation in secret."     

Leigh's lips drew into a thin line as her brows knitted into a small frown

"The thing is, they're not going to ever find them because they're shifters."   

"Exactly," Georgiou nodded.      

"What are we going to do?" Leigh asked, licking her lips as her eyes fell on the table.

"How are we going to catch them...? Should we catch them?" she was rambling now and her being more scared made sense.

A wolf stood no chance against a hyena but a recessive wolf... they were toast.   

"Don't panic," Georgiou said, getting up from his seat before walking over to his wife and standing behind her.

He placed his hands on her shoulders and gave them a small squeeze as his eyes locked with mine.     

"Naylan," he called, making me blink.

"Yes?" my voice shook a little... it was probably from all that I was taking in.   

"We're telling as few people as possible about this," Georgiou said.

"We'll take the humans' lead here. If anyone knew that hyenas were just wondering about the place the mass panic would make them harder to find." 

"I understand," I muttered.     

"Also, keep your meat storages sealed tight. Maybe get extra locks. They're only going after meat, raw meat if they can," Georgiou explained and I nodded my head.

It was only after Leigh and Georgiou excused themselves from the kitchen after Leigh started to hyperventilate that I put two and two together.     

Were the hyenas behind the depleted rabbit population this season?

[brilliantpride]

Stupid fucking Magecraft stupid fucking Baobhan-Sith stupid fucking get her out of here. She feels like she's been wandering forever. Of course it's always the Chaldea hallways, too. Always the ones covered in ice, can't even be the empty ones back at Novum Chaldea, or the ones from the old Chaldea before they got iced. Always has to be damn cold in here. Yako punches a wall and sighs, but keeps walking, hoping at some point she'll come across a door or something.

"Damn, when will you just give it a rest?"

Yako glances to her side, and sees another self walking beside her down this endless, empty hallway. She scoffs. "Finally! I was starting to get lonely. So, what, you're here to bother me until I break down emotionally and give up, like Aphrodite and Mnemosyne?"

"Woooow, straight A's! She can use that brain!" The smile on the other Yako is toothy and insincere. "And you know what? I cooould take it slow and gentle, but why don't we cut to the chase? You like it rough anyway, right?"

Before Yako can answer, she finds herself in the clinic. Asclepius throws a pile of papers at her, his face as cold as ever. "That's what the data says. You've burned out your magical circuits too badly to use magic anymore. Your Servants have been dismissed. It took all of my genius just to keep your idiot self alive, let alone conscious, so be grateful you're even standing here to hear the news."

Ah, hey, that's unfair. Yako takes the papers and stands up, tossing them in the trash as she goes. "So what? I still have…" …No, she doesn't. She reaches for her side, but Calesvol isn't there. "Nevermind. I gotta get going." She slams open the clinic door - to see Ritsu and Mash's waiting faces outside. "Uh, 'scuse--"

"Are you all right? You really pushed yourself in that last battle," Mash pipes up. "It was pretty reckless to do what you did."

"And what did I do, exactly?"

The Mash-alike pauses, searching her brain. Ritsu pipes up. "It was reckless and irresponsible." Their words cut right to the quick. "Yako, I just can't have you on my team if you're going to put everyone in danger like that again. Including yourself."

"…" Yako clenches her jaw. Not like they're never doing reckless shit themself. Have they forgotten about the gun that eats away at their life-force to function? --No, hang on, don't get worked up. It's a misery dream, remember. And they still haven't said what she's actually done… though she can fill in the blanks for herself.

Ritsu turns their back on her. "I didn't want things to turn out this way. I thought I could give you a chance, but clearly, I was mistaken."

"Hey, wait a--" Ritsu's already walking away. Yako reaches out a hand, but flinches back at the last minute. "Right… Illusion. It's not them. But… I guess… I can be pretty reckless."

"Damn right you are." Oh, now that's a familiar voice. Your worldbuilding is breaking down, buddy. Yako turns to look at Kama with a nonplussed expression. "I'm always cleaning up after you. And you know what? I'm damn tired of it. I didn't ask to be a Servant in the first place, then I get stuck with an idiot like you, and then I'm forced to be your fucking babysitter? It's torture."

…There's nothing she can say to that. It's completely true. As much as she hates it. Yako's hand curls into a fist, nails digging into her palm, her tail frustratedly swishing behind her. (Why is she getting so worked up? It's a fake. But… it's not like it's a lie.)

Kama glares at her with the fury of a god. "You act like a child, and then get frustrated when people treat you like one. Pick a fucking side. No wonder everyone thinks you're a hassle."

"Ouch."

"That's all you have to say? You're a selfish asshole, you know that?"

"…I'm sorry."

"It's like pulling teeth with you." The scene melts away again - no clinic, no hallway, just the bleached-white earth and its crumbling ruins. Kama grips Yako by the shirt collar. "Always 'sorry' at the last minute after nothing can be fixed, because you're too cowardly to apologize when it's actually useful. Always 'sorry' after you've been backed into a corner. Do you even hear yourself? Have you ever thought about another person besides yourself?" They shove Yako away, and turn away with a disgusted expression on their face. "Do you even care about me, or do you just want to use me like everyone else does?"

Yako opens her mouth, and closes it again. Will talking make it worse? Will not talking make it worse? "I-I do care. I really do! You're important to me! I didn't realize how much until you used up your name for me, and--- and I know I won't ever be able to repay you for that, and I was scared of losing you, and I just…"

"This isn't about you!" a thousand voices scream at once. Kama's gentle galaxies turn burning-bright and all-consuming. "…Deal with this shit yourself. I'm tired. Bye." With that, Kama rips open a hole in space and disappears.

And Yako is on her own, once again.

She brings herself to her feet and wanders around. Her heart feels like it's breaking. With every step, she feels further from herself, lost in her own thoughts again.

"Nobody listens to me," her voice echoes. She didn't say that. "Nobody tries to understand me. I mess up everything I do, no matter how hard I try. Especially if I'm trying not to mess up. Why won't everyone get off my back?"

"Who's there?! Stop reading my mind!" Yako whips around, looking for anyone else. "Shut up! Just shut up! I don't want to hear any more!"

"I don't want to hear that I'm not trying hard enough. I don't want to face the reality that I'm not. I don't want to face the truth."

"Please, stop! I don't… want to hear this anymore…" She covers her ears, her heart aching and throat tightening.

"Whenever people ask me why I want to be a hero…"

A figure steps out from behind a wall. It's… herself? "I answer, 'Because I want to help people!' But it's not true, not really. I want to be adored. I want people to think I'm cool. I feel like if I burn myself at both ends for other people, I'll be loved - because I don't really understand what real love is like. As much as I want to tell myself that I'm human, is it really true? Was I ever human to start with?"

"Shut up…" Her voice is breaking. "Shut up, shut up, I don't want to hear this anymore… I hate this. Why is it a bad thing if I want to be loved? I'm sorry I didn't get the handbook when I was born! I'm doing my best! I don't know how to do better!"

"Aww, I know." Her mirror's voice is so gentle. "Even if everyone gives up on you, I know you did the best you could." She can hear the sneer to it. "Don't worry, nobody's ever going to hear about your journey. Even if they do, they can't tell anyone, or you'll get hit with a Sealing Designation by the Mages Association faster than you can say 'Oops'. Nobody's going to know about the sacrifices you had to make or how hard you pushed yourself, or about your time in Tartarus's maze, or about how you were personally trained by several historical figures, yes, personally, don't you believe me? And nobody's going to know about all your mistakes, either. It'll all be just a dream come morning, and you'll wake up in your bed wondering what the hell to do with the rest of your life. Your parents will wonder why you don't just get a normal job like everyone else your age. Sure, they gave up on their dreams for you to strike it rich where they couldn't, but you could still make a modest living in a cubicle somewhere, right? It's not the worst way to live. You'd still be able to do some LARPing as a part-time hero in your spare time."

Yako sinks to her knees. Her mirror crouches down next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. "So, really, it's in your best interest to call it quits now. It's a sunk-cost fallacy that's kept you in it this long. Ritsu doesn't need you. Mash definitely doesn't need you. Kama, Connla, and Cú Chulainn? They won't even remember you. Everyone can save the world without you. …If there's a world left to be saved, that is. I mean, it'd suck if you were doing all this and then were left with a bleached-white Earth and no future ahead of you, right? All those worlds and their people, that you just…" she snaps her fingers, "…out of existence. While they were sleeping, too! But, mhm, yep, Ritsu can definitely take the blame for you. It'll be like you weren't even there at all.

"So why keep going?"

…That's the real question, isn't it.

Are you waiting for an answer? Do you really want to hear it? Obviously, you already know everything! But…

"Move."

One foot in front of the other.

Yako stands back up. Slowly, deliberately. "…It's okay to hesitate. It's okay to be afraid. But don't stop." She steadies her breathing and lets her hands fall down to her sides. "Don't ever stop. Don't ever retreat. Don't ever go back. Wherever the living go, that's where Humanity goes."

Yeah. Okay. She can do this. She takes a deep breath in, and exhales slowly. "You know, this is one of the nicer mental manipulations I've been through. I mean, you're not trying to overwrite my personality, or erase my memories, just… make me give up. But the thing is, I'm just too dumb to know when to give up." She puts her hand out to her side… and feels someone holding it, though it's only for a moment. "You did give me some stuff to think about, so thanks for that. But you left out some other stuff, too. It's not just me and Ritsu out here. It's not just our Servants, either. Everyone in Chaldea is working together to save our world, and there's a lot of people in there way smarter than me. I know they can figure it out."

"But what if they can't?" her mirror laughs. "You've cried yourself to sleep thinking about it!"

"We will."

Her voice reverberates sharply across the dreamscape. The bleached-white surface begins to crack open; the structures around her start to crumble. Beyond her vision, a star shines bright. Her mirror regroups herself. "If you think things are going back to normal once you're done, you're only kidding yourself. There's no going back for you. The blood won't come off your hands. The stench won't leave your body. So why keep fighting?"

Yako pauses.

Yes, it's true that the blood will never come off her hands. She accepted that long ago - told herself never to turn away from the reality of her role. She's taken lives - human lives, when you include the Olympians - and stained her armor with their blood. She delights in battle, craves the sport of it, the moment when everything is on the line and her life flashes before her eyes. Someone trying to interrogate her fears should know better than anyone… "I already told you I'm too stupid to give up. I want to keep going as far as I can go. So long as I'm alive, I'll never stop walking towards that light… Towards my ideal. I'll never be a hero - I'll never even get close - but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to be one. No, it's because of that ideal that I've been able to make it this far, and while I'll keep going, and why I'll never, ever stop trying to reach it. The future I'm fighting for is one where even some nobody like me can have that chance - the chance to be better than they were yesterday."

The rumbling grows louder. Even the sky is crumbling. Everything is falling away as something cracks, cracks, breaks.

"…Well, I'll be damned." The scene finally falls away, the curtain closing on its actors. The one using Yako's voice mumbles to himself. "Were humans always this resilient?"

[vento248]

I am literally the closest I've ever been to dropping out holy shit.

It's not even that my depression is not letting me do stuff for myself, like I don't even care about deadlines, I haven't done a single project and I'm going to fail every single subject expect for english. I have so many work projects that need to be done and I haven't even started, my classmates are all super stressed over having to depend their perfect scores on a stupid and useless piece of absolute academic waste.

There also goes the fact that I haven't answered any person that has ever showed me any sort of kindness and I'm ghosting everybody that I don't have to see everyday, so I am even more of a fucking asshole to everybody around me.

Like sure it's so easy to get sad and mad when life treats you like shit and its unfair to you, but this is much different.

I did this all to myself, I am the only one to blame and I could fucking fix it, everyday I wake up wishing I was someone better, that actually did what's needed of him, instead, I'm just doomed to destroy everything and everyone around me, harming others with little to no resent just to cowardly flee and do it all all over again like some poorly motivated fictional villain.

And sometimes I'm glad that's all I've ever gotten, isolation and the ever present feeling of worthlessness but it's just so selfish.

It's so selfish to inflict pain over innocent people just because you want to drag yourself into your own pitiful circle of self loathing to fix some fucked up internal void.

It's almost morbidly ironic, how it feeds into itself. You think so low of yourself, you're blamed for being bad, for doing wrong, for being broken.

No forgiveness would be acceptable there's just something so deeply and inherently rotten in you that the only good thing you could ever do to those around you it's to get away, if you stayed, if you fixed to mend your doings, you'd be abusing them, you'd be tricking those around you that you can be changed, that you're good and you can learn, and that, that is truly evil.

So you run off without a word, making sure to burn the ground around you so there's no chance of ever going back, reminiscing on the fact of knowing all of those people will forever think of you as a that one lost selfish friend, a shitty ex, a failed situationship, a cousin that never had the balls to reach out when you needed them, or the son that fucked his whole life over by himself.

And you think to yourself just how much can you take before the guilt runs over you, it's not fair to get over it, it's not fair to feel sad or hurt by it, you know you don't deserve forgiveness allowing yourself to feel any sorry of wellness it's not even to be considered.

And so, you settle for numbness, knowing damn well how much you'd just kill to feel something. Has this always been that way? Maybe the guilt, the sadness, the anger, came way before ever badly hurting other people, you know that's the truth, but that is somehow worse isn't it?

To know that many people had it much worse but didn't hurt others, that you did it in full consciousness, that there's no reason or excuse for your actions.

Wich leads you to seeking that same abuse to be inflicted upon you, allowing yourself to thrive around even more pain, hoping deep down that they don't realize there's no trace of any redeemable qualities left in you.

It's easier to believe children are born evil, even if it's just a lie you tell yourself to keep going.