#(i'm not really boymoding but i'm also not girlmoding)

[catboybiologist]

Hi Sierra, babytrans in the application process for grad school here: did you start HRT during your graduate work? If so, how would you say it affected your studies, if it all?

This is a really interesting question, because my timeline for talking about this isn't complete.

Yes, I started HRT just before I started my 2nd year of my PhD. However, I didn't come out until this past June, and I've been on summer hiatus since then. So I haven't experienced what being out and trans is like day to day in my actual lab/work environment. I was girlmoding with my queer friend groups sometimes but mostly just boymoding, so I can't say how things are like as far as professional interaction is concerned.

As far as thinking/health/physiology, I did have some energy/brain haze problems which I partially attribute to spironolactone. They can easily be tempered by increasing salt intake by a LOT, however. That said, I did quit spiro as soon as I could. I don't want to talk about that too much bc it ventures into the territory of talking about HRT, which generates a lot of exhausting questions about HRT, and I want to move towards making big, verbose resources that leave less room for questions before talking about that in detail.

That all said, it was a relatively minor issue compared to some burnout I was also experiencing over those first ~9 months, which, now that my summer hiatus is wrapping up, I feel like I'm addressing pretty well. This was, however, partially counteracted by the mental clarity that estrogen provided.

But honestly, the burnout meant that my performance over the 2023-2024 year was really tanking, and I think it overshadowed any effect that I could attribute to HRT, positive or negative.

What also affected me a lot was boymoding anxiety. So much of my focus was spent on thinking about how to hide my breasts, if my clothes were sufficiently baggy, being seen by people around me, that it did affect me. I think I eventually hit a rhythm of just kinda becoming the lab's GBF in a way, which I think will still remain true.

I'll have a lot more thoughts on this once I've been back in grad school life for a bit.

[moongothic]

the Crocodile-was-already-stealth anon here, I do have a counterpoint, which is that maybe it's going to turn out Crocodile has been a partial reference to Mary Read and Anne Bonny this whole time and that he only didn't trans his gender before because it wasn't til during or after the pregnancy that he even found out Ivankov can do that

I mean the latter part does kinda overlap with the "maybe Ivankov hadn't had their DF yet" idea and yeah it is plausible (like we just have to assume Ivankov never switched between boymode and girlmode when they were around Crocodile for however long they knew each other before then but yeah)

First half is plausible too but we have nothing to really suggest that or reason to believe it (like there's reason for us to think Crocodile is referencing Sobek and/or Wagnas because there's a lot of material to considder where as those two pirates got nothing except mild genderfuckery and also being pirates, the connection is kinda weak) (also Bonney's already kinda taking Anne Bonny's role as a "a famous female pirate who disguised herself" (but instead of crossdressing Bonney disguised her age))

I have talked about this before though, how because there's So Many Moving Parts and so much potential here for what might've happened that we can't know at all for certain almost anything about Crocodile until Oda actually spills the beans. I'm not saying my interpretation is the only accurate theory, because I could be completely wrong. I have just gotten slightly more fond of one potential version of the story than others due to my personal bias, a mixture of what I think Oda would/could write, what I would write and what I personally would want to read/see happen. Point being that if/when I try to debunk/explain away alternative theories, it's more me wanting to explain why I feel the way the way I do about my interpretation, than actually trying to shoot down other people's theories. I dunno I just wanted to throw that out there

[violet-snail-sfw]

Okay so with being newly out at work and starting to dress more fem there I've been extra anxious whenever I'm out of my office around other people and I think I've figured out why.

So up to this point I've been pretty exclusively boymoding aside from just around my apartment on weekends. Because of that I don't really have experience with being in public settings while girlmoding. While work isn't the most public, there's still a ton of people around who can see me.

Basically I've been feeling hypervisible because I don't really pass and I don't really know how to hold myself so I feel like people are probably staring at me and judging me even though I know that's probably not actually the case. I want to just not be observed but I also just need to get used to it.

[goatgirlpre]

I have tips for force femming yourself and boymoding less if you want them! (Maybe ur already doing this idk)

My #1 tip is buying a cute dress that's modest but also cute and a lil sexy and wear it out like one a week. I have a cute dress from Midnight Hour (the floral mesh midi dress) that I love wearing and always gets a lot of compliments.

For normal workdays, women's button ups/blouses and cute pants are a good option.

When I was just getting started I would just like put on some eyeliner everyday and that made me feel like I was putting in effort to be feminine without really doing too much work

Get a cute purse, too, for a long time I had one that looked like Luna from Sailor Moon. In all honesty, getting compliments from other random women in public about my outfits and accessories encouraged me to boy mode less and after like 1.5 years I stopped boymoding entirely. Girlmode only

That's just me and my experience, I've also always lived in mostly queer friendly cities and have surrounded myself with gaggles of queer friends, and cis women who would take me to Ross and help me find cute cheap clothes.

hope I'm not being weird with this message lol 💕

😭 you are a saint ty ty

[girltober]

Hi everyone,

This October (2023) I'm doing Girl Month! And I thought tumblr might appreciate the content lol.

Im a cis-ish het-ish guy and I'm taking this opportunity to experiment with my gender and also just have some fun! Actually to be more specific I have a couple of goals:

Work out if I'm trans! I mostly think im not, but sometimes I wonder...

A friend who will remain anonymous highly recommended the nipple sensitivity you can get from E, and that actually sounds so much fun

Honestly in general im curious about the effects of E and it sounds fun

Girls are hot. Ergo, being a girl is hot.

F1nn5ster is controversial, for both valid and invalid reasons imo, but all I know is that when I watch clips of him and his GF i'm like "damn that guys living the dream"

And of course, to have fun

The Parameters:

For the duration of October I will go by a girl name, either "October" or "Charlotte" and She/Her pronouns.

I'm going Op shopping today for girl clothes, which I will wear fulltime (or as much as possible).

I will be taking estrogen daily, supplied by my transfem housemates. I may also try T blockers but we'll see, apparently they can fuck you up a bit.

I'm getting waxed- at least my arms, legs and chest, possibly a full brazilian

In terms of makeup, I already paint my nails but I'm also planning to try out lipstick and mascara at least. Also planning to dye a purple streak in my hair.

The following exceptions apply:

Obviously, I can stop at any time, and will if this starts severely impacting my mental or physical health or social life. I'm going to specifically check up on myself at the end of every week to make sure I'm doing okay.

I will be Boymoding for my parents, my work and associated work events, for obvious reasons. Otherwise I will maintain girlmode in public and among friends. My cis-het friend groups might be a bit weirded out but fuckem they can deal

Uuuh Estrogen will be delayed until Wednesday bc i have a blood test.

I also have the following Girl Month Sidequests- bonus tasks I'm hoping to complete this month:

Have hot girl sex with a girl

Have hot sex with a guy

Have hot sex with a trans person

If you're interested in following my journey and are 18+, I'd love to have you along! I'll be posting updates, thoughts, feelings and face-censored selfies!

Please only 18+ though- while this isnt planned to be a p0rn blog or anything (and jfc i hate that I need to use TikTok speak on tumblr) I am planning to overshare about some NSFT stuff. If you're overage but don't want to see that make sure to block the tag "#girl month nsft".

My askbox is also open to all :)

Uuh I also want to close by saying that while I'm probably(?) not trans and just having fun, obviously I fully support Trans Rights. Trans women are women, trans men are men, enbies are super valid, y'all are all really cool and this event isn't meant to mock, appropriate or invalidate y'all. Terfs DNI.

[loveregrown]

Well I really do just see my gender as the desire to be everything in the world at once every thing that exists like everything that is tangible. And also, I girlmode on occasion. And also, I boymode on occasion. I badly wish I could be a cis man only to then revel in the girlhood that specifically comes in being a woman who loves other women and not really any other sense but I'm cute and a girl and a boy, and a creature... but "bigender" will do so I say this and it's true. Bisexualgender even but I use that term less.

[the-priest-god-never-paid]

Question, because I enjoy learning more about these things that you just CAN'T look up. (even if you could everyone would likely have a slightly different answer)

How does Genderfluid+Homoromantic work? Does your attraction also shift?

Sorry if insensitive. The people that were Fluid (they were still figuring themselves out, and are now not Fluid) were bi, so I never even really thought this question out before.

fluidity is weird because by technicality i'm straight and gay at the same time, but here's why i choose to go by "homoromantic"

i still consider myself a boy. i'm in boymode most of the time, and even in girlmode/enbymode i still have no problems being seen as such. while filling out job forms and stuff if they ask my gender and there's a "fluid" option i'll still pick male because i really don't mind being seen as a guy (plus it's just simpler to stay "one gender" all the time)

i experience exclusive attraction to men/enbies, so yknow koo koo kachoo

[iamaine]

Ping 'em across to me :). I think a lot of what put me off for a while was this idea of social licensing. It wasn't really my only barrier or my last barrier to transition, though these are thoughts I've wrestled with so I can take a crack at it. There are a few different answers that different girls go with. Some just decide that the pain of dysphoria is greater than the fear of being a social outcast. Some boymode until they're sure they can pass- malefailing is an indicator of this- and then just switch to girlmoding once they can't get clocked anymore. In my case I just made sure my entire social circle would be cool with it, and they mostly were even to the point of surprising me. One guy wasn't, but losing his friendship was just the price of transition and I'd pay it threefold. Early on in my transition things were pretty bleak. I was worried I'd never pass for a lot of it, and struggling with a lot of the common brainworms we get. There were still upsides in that time though, like, I got to experience 'I am being brave today!' when I left the house which is something I learned to like. I also had a lot of really good social support at the time, especially from other trans women. I've since 'made it' so to speak (I've only been clocked once in over a year since my FFS and it's because I let my guard down w/r/t voice in an extended conversation) and I almost miss that feeling of courage. I think this is also a good reason to message me; I'm not going to be triggered by this kind of thing (even if it were sealioning, which it looks like it isn't) because I already know those fears will not come to pass for me.

A request for Persons of Trans that might be following me:

I have a friend with some gender going on, and some strong anxieties associated with it. They're interested in reaching out to some trans women that have already been down this road, but they're also particularly worried about being offensive, or just a burden on others. To quote (with permission) directly:

"I've been trying to find a way to ask trans women who I trust how they actually managed to overcome the worry about forever just being a fucked up, failed guy in a dress, who's publicly known to be a deviant to everyone, and is also giving up every bit of social privilege that keeps me just barely hanging on to the edge of society already. And just, there's no ways to put those words down that doesn't read like the shittiest terf asshole ever, coming in just to sealion about all the bullshit that trans women already hear constantly."

I have a fairly strong belief that this is a very common fear for trans women just starting the transition process, and that feeling this way won't read as offensive at all. At my friend's request, therefore, I wanted to see if any of my followers- particularly trans women that share this kind of experience- might be willing to reach out to a stranger in need, have some conversations about these feelings, and help provide some spaces where the gender stuff can be processed in a safe and supportive way.

Alternately, if you don't want to commit to a whole thing, any kind of general advice or comments would be appreciated- they'll be reading the replies, tags, and comments.

[transmascrage]

AFAB privilege is definitely a new one. "You can always go back". Like testosterone works the same on AFAB and AMAB folk. Estrogen works the same on AFAB and AMAB folk. (WRT to secondary sex characteristics). Top surgery and bottom surgery aren't something you can simply "go back" from without MORE top/bottom surgery.

Actual christ.

I feel like I misworded something or something like that but I'm just kinda stunned so bad my brain has gone static.

It's not a new one, unfortunately.

And they definitely weren't just talking about detransitioning and its effect on trans people who were AFAB (which already would be pretty disrespectful. Are you really saying transmasculine people will detransition for the hell of it?), they meant we can just pretend to be women if we want to, and that'll give us privilege.

There's so much to unpack there. The irony of them saying that with "boymoding" in their username, which means a trans woman presenting as a cis guy, usually in transphobic environments to stay safe. With that logic, a trans woman boymoding would have male privilege. Except it's not that simple.

But why doesn't the same logic apply to trans people who were AFAB?? Why is girlmoding suddenly an act of oppression from transmasc people, instead of a "safety" measure? (I put safety in quotation because presenting as aa woman isn't exactly safe either)

Also, obviously, AFAB privilege doesn't exist.

[toririvas]

I keep doing the thing where I forget I have this blog so I just think my thoughts in my head rather than put them out into the world. Whoops. AnYWAY here's some orientation headcanons for because I love both lists and gay people <3 maybe I'll do more if this interests someone out there. Also catch me procrastinating this so hard that I forget to do it in pride month.

Tori Rivas:

You look at this woman and tell me she isn't bisexual. Bisexual and I would say probably greyace/greyro, because she really doesn't have a lot of interest in folks in canon text. I think she's just not focused on it so it doesn't exist, but I believe at some point she just sort of "oh. oh." I think she's ambivalent on gender too btw. No real strong attachments either way. Boymode as Hephaestus l, girlmode as Tori, literally whatever's more comfortable or useful. She's efficient like that.

Beverly (a last name I beg of you drew PLEASE):

Also bisexual (leaning more towards men) but Absolutely knows it as opposed to Tori who's like "I'm not sure if I even like boys let alone girls". Beverly knows she's hot shit, and absolutely is into her weird reclusive roommate and that buff dork down the hall. I unironically think her and Austin would be cute but wouldn't work long-term.

Chloe Henson:

This ain't headcanon, it's canon: Chloe is pansexual and has a preference "for people more her size" but other than that doesn't have one. Queen. Love you girlie. Stay winning short king

Lance (last name pls....):

Gay. Homosexual. Fruity. MLM (lovingly). Supportive dumbass. He's just a bro who loves other bros! And grumpy wizards. Especially grumpy wizards.

Warren:

Aforementioned grumpy wizard. MLM. Transed Gender. You're telling me the reclusive bitchy wizard with a techpunk outfit who has a whole background arc about unlearning taught bias with an oppressive mentor figure isn't trans? Bro c'mon work with me here! Gay (derogatory).

Assorted stuff, I think Ivan and Wade had some Experiences in the past but now of course Ivan is Lodestar-sexual and Wade is... Wade. He's an eccentric rich guy he's done everything and he's into whatever I the most interesting. Xelas is yes gender, yes sexuality. She's everything to me. Johnny and Thuggernaut have been married for ten years and are really casual about it but everyone knows. Morgana is a lesbian. Stasis is also a lesbian (but she's bisexual because immortality is boring sometimes). I think there should be more lesbians. Arachnobro is fruity but is really shy about dating because of the whole Bug Thing tm. It's hard to kiss with mandibles.

[discoveringsandra]

Journal entry #25

Another week of dysphoria and euphoria. I've been experimenting with clothes in private, which is cool, but my main expression of femininity rigth now is online.

It's not just this blog and the other one I have here on tumblr. I've got also girlmode accounts on twitter, instagram and reddit. While my posts there never get to what I do here and I mostly follow other people, I find that they take a lot of my time.

I like following people I can find relatable, not just celebrities, but I've found myself establishing parasocial relationships with them. They'll probably never realise how important they're to me and it wouldn't be fair to make them responsible of my feelings. They are themselves, not the people I've created in my head from a few tweets.

There's also the issue of how social networks are designed to keep you hooked with more and more content. Doomscrolling is a sleeping disorder.

I already had this kind of addiction before coming out to myself. I managed to quit 9gag years ago and I've had and on and off relationship with Youtube, having renounced to let's play videos to finish my degree. Yes, a video on finding courage to live as myself can be useful, but I can also end up going through a rabbit hole. For example, I think I'll have to quit Star Wars lore videos; I love them but there are too many of them.

Unfortunately, as any aspiring writer (or whatever other professional) may know, I can't just quit social media. I need it for work, to make my stories known, to make contacts more easy; I can't just leave.

In the last months, though, I've barely logged in boymode. As Sandra, I mostly exist online, and I don't really like this. First, because it means my online addiction is fueled by my dysphoria, relying on the few moments when I can express myself to kick in, mixing itself with my gender euphoria. Second, because it makes me feel ashamed of the moments where I feel femenine and I'm just endlessly browsing with a female avatar on the corner. And, third, because I want to be more comfortable with myself in real life, not just in the anonymity of the internet.

There will be a moment in which I'll be able to live out of the closet, maybe next month, maybe next year but not much further down the road. For now, though, I need to respect myself and my time and have a healthier relationship with social media. I may not be able to quit completely, but I need to find a better outlet for my day-to-day anxiety. I want to go to therapy but, if everything fails, I still have my writing.

[girltober]

Girlfit! Gamer socks/armthings and a sundress might not go well together on paper, but I like this fit a lot 🩷 girls just have so many more customisation options to pick from. And you know what they say, you gotta Get Railed in a Sundress 😜

---

So! Girl Month is two thirds over... whats the state of affairs?

Its been a little while since I last posted anything substantive bc well... girltime has been normalised. In the first week I was very strict about wearing only "proper" girly clothes, not even using my normal dressing gown! But as time passed I've allowed myself to wear more unisex clothing - for better or worse. In general Girl month has become less... exciting and wild and more a mundane part of life. I go out in girlmode and don't think twice about it.

I've been on E nearly 2 weeks now with no effect, which I guess I expected but its a little disappointing. My nips don't feel any more sensitive than usual which is lame.

Sidequest 2 and 3 have not been completed, but I'm planning to complete 3 tomorrow which I'm looking forward to (shes soo hot). And I forsee myself completing 2 also bc like... cmon, how hard can it be?

Girl month has also been a little bit of a slut month for me- which has honestly been kind of the best part lmao. I mean my bodycount is still 1, but I've really enjoyed wearing revealing clothes, going out with my girltreat in, and thinking a lot about being a... well a free use fucktoy 😳.

Maybe I'll make another post trying to delve into the psychology of it, but I guess long story short... horny guys are gross, but horny girls are hot. That might only be true in my own lesbian*(?) head but I feel like its not just me who feels that way. Idk theres a lot to unpack there. Being a girl made me feel more confident being a pervert is what I'm saying, for better or worse.

(*For this month(?))

But to the main event: gender.

I started this month with the view that i was doing this for shits and giggles and nipple-orgasms.

I was planning to walk out of this having unlocked Cis+, as a BoyChad like Finnster who can walk through the Valley of Girl and not flinch at the feminine shadows cast over me.

But...

Rrrrrgh.

*deep sigh*

I guess... I'm probably not cis.

Yeah yeah I know the guy who volunteered to dress as a girl for a month for no reason is actually trans big surprise, someone call the pope, who could have seen this coming yada yada.

I will say that I'm not sure that I'm a girl either though.

I enjoy dressing up femme, and I get a little hit of dopamine whenever someone calls me Charlotte or uses she/her pronouns, but...

(Wait typing that sentence in real time just made me realise that i might just be a girl after all uuuh nvm continuing with my original point)

...I don't necessarily... feel like a girl? Like I mostly forget I'm a girl and then occasionally I think "oh yeah I'm supposed to be a girl rn. Or maybe... I just AM a girl for this month? Oh nice I'm a girl I guess sweet" and then carry on with my usual activities.

Although even that sounds pretty trans hmm.

(Good thing I successfully turned off Pop-ups or this post would be unreadable with the amount of Transgender XP I've gained lmao)

Does anyone remember that one comic? Its like the car driving "PENIS" face one except the thought is "im a girl". This is nonsense to non-tumblrinas I'm so sorry, if anyone finds the comic I'm thinking of please send it to me.

Anyway, i may not be a trans girl, maybe I'm nonbinary or maybe genderfluid or bigender or something else... but M** left Plato's cave when he became me/Charlotte, and I/she can't imagine going back in there and forgetting. Wearing a dress is just too much fun to quit lmao.

I definitely think i just don't have a very strong sense of gender in general- I've boymoded for family events and doctors appointments and felt no discomfort or dysphoria- but being a girl recreationally is just more fun!

I might do Boyweek in early november to try to solidify my gender opinions, but for now... my gender is almost certainly queer and i can't wait to find out what I become ^^.

Thank you everyone for reading and supporting me, thank you all my friends for being chill about this and thank you M & L for supplying me with E and thank you Y for being the madlad who took E for lols in the first place and MASSIVE thank you to the one who took me opshopping and opened my mind to polyamory and made this whole experience... just so much more comfortable and fun.

Oh and thanks to the random internet people who followed along too- Its been really cool to see this break containment in little ways!

Uuuh anyway this might feel like a very final retrospective post but I still have a couple of girlweeks left in girlmonth so I'll keep y'all posted with my future girlfits and antics!

Love y'all! ❤️🩷💜

[girltober]

Also i'm boymoding for the doctors appointment, and giving myself the right to boymode publically as much as I want in the future. Girling in public, at least if I'm alone, is just too stressful. Girl Month is supposed to be fun.

That said I am gonna try to girlmode outside at least once a week, to keep pushing my boundaries.

(Man am I Dean Pelton rn because This Really Better Not Awaken Anything In Me- being trans for real would be soo inconvenient and scary. I have a newfound appreciation for how fucking brave and cool all my trans friends are for just being themselves on a daily basis)

Doctors appt tomorrow morning, the blood test will probably be booked for later? Can't wait for it to be over so I can start Literally girlpilling myself not just Metaphorically girlpilling myself :)