#(i'm literally arguing with myself rn lol)

[cistematicchaos]

LMAO trauma really will make you sit in silence, contemplating how you’re an irredeemable creature and don’t really belong anywhere and when your In-Brain-Therapist pipes up to say “but isn’t that what a lot of traumatized people think? isn’t that just a distorted view caused by our trauma and not actually a FACT?”, trauma will slap that bitch down, no hesitation, with, “hahaha yeah but i’m different tho.”

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[sushisocks]

cmon you cant just say how queercoded sean is and then not expand on itผ(•̀_•́ผ)

/lh

My need to constantly talk about Sean MacGuire is really being indulged lately jnhbvbjnbh Thank u dear anon <3

oKAY so like, anon, I will be the FIRST to admit that me calling Sean queercoded might've been a strong choice of words all things considered (especially compared to ACTUALLY explicitly gay Bill Williamson which could go for queercoding considering it's only really explicit if you look for it or catch it). I read Sean as queer in a lot of ways, and that is probably in no small part because I'm queer myself. BUT in my defense, what am I supposed to take away from the developers cuffing Sean's jeans like that?? His queer little swagger???? The outfit with that haircut?????? That is a BISEXUAL MAN if I've ever seen one!!!

^me rn fr (always, about Sean and Lenny in particular. My gay Lenny headcanon is a lot more solid though, I'll be frank, and I'm honestly waiting to go the fuck off about it properly here some day lmao)

On a more serious note though, I definitely think Sean's admiration for Arthur can be read as a little bit of a crush in certain instances. Not that I particularly ship that pairing, but certain ways Sean responds to Arthur has always had me 🤔🤔 For example (and I'm really gonna out myself and how often i rewatch his missions here) in pouring forth oil, when Arthur gets mad forreal for a sec and threatens Sean (after Sean has a tantrum abt not being invited along which.... come on), and Sean laughs, there is DEFINITELY a crush-related way of reading that interaction & Sean's response. Not to mention the lil lookover Sean gives him I mean COME ON he's not even that subtle!

Not to speak of the fact that the first thing he does after being rescued from bounty hunters is ask Arthur for a hug - how many of yall Arthur Morgan horny ppl wouldn't die to do the same? Sean was ahead of the game. He's one of you, I swear.

I think Sean being queer makes sense with his personality too, as the sort of laid-back and easy-going one. Though I also think, given the time and the fact that I think he's bi, it's probably not smth he's ever thought very hard about? You know, heteronormativity etc etc, him and Karen having their messy thing going on etc etc, but Sean WOULD kiss a homie and not really have a problem with it. He'd just -- not think about it much harder, you know?

It's that same attitude he has, which leads me to believing if given the chance he'd be very gnc. I know I've said it before but I do headcanon that modern au Sean would def fuck around with skirts and makeup and nailpolish, and have a very loose relationship with his gender as a man at best. It makes sense to me, for someone who is both that easygoing, and has that sense of interest in societal issues, to at some point have the realization of 'oh gender roles are made up' and act accordingly, you know?

And then I'm also taken with, and sort of speaking from, this sort of perspective of the gang at large as very queer. Speaking of it in that academic way, as a sort of rejection of normative society - heteronormative society in particular - there's absolutely an inherent queerness to this entire gang of outlaws doing as they will. When being queer has always meant being ostracized from society, it is easy to read characters ostracized from society as queer; in this way, and in my opinion, the queercoding is inherent to this game, and these characters. It's there at the very foundation of their situation and way of living, and it's why I personally am never going to argue against any type of queer headcanon (and why I'm a proponent of many of them myself lol). Me seeing queerness in Sean and Lenny, is no different from me seeing it in Arthur and Charles, or Sadie and Karen, or Hosea and Dutch, or literally ANY other gangmember.

I feel like I went on a tangent here, again, as I am prone to do, BUT my main point is: Sean MacGuire is so so queer bcz I said so, and becuase why the fuck else would he be like that?

[carpisuns]

I just wanna say I have an old post of yours saved in my drafts, about being a beginner artist…. I look at it sometimes to give me perspective and reassurance. Thank you. It has inspired me to continue my hobby/passion even if I don’t get many notes rn. I improve and I see it! Thats all that matters. Thank you. I hope I can be that for someone someday.

oh wow 😭 this just warmed my heart—thank you for sharing with me. i don't know what post you're talking about specifically, but i'm so glad that something i said could give you a little extra boost sometimes<3

it's both cool and sort of embarrassing that this blog is a record of my entire art journey. i didn't start learning how to draw until i got into ML and joined tumblr again about 3.5 years ago, so it has my very earliest art as well as my most recent. the other day my sister and i went through my art tag and i was literally crying with laughter at some of those pieces alskjdf (particularly this one). they're sooo bad but they were my best work at the time! as much as i cringe to look at them now, it's nice to remember how far I've come. There are still so many things I struggle with and things i disappoint myself about, but that's normal because I am still growing. no one stops growing. the artists you look up to the most, whose work seems absolutely flawless to you, are still growing.

and YOU are growing too! whether you feel like you are or not. sometimes it takes looking back to realize it. i'm really glad you can see your improvement! honestly, that's a skill too! having a healthy mindset about your own development can take a lot of internal work so I'm really proud of you for that.

(i got very rambly so cut for the rest lol)

and honestly sometimes the improvement isn't even about what the art looks like—it can just be about how you feel about making it. I think one of my biggest improvements in the last year was getting comfortable with drawing and sharing things that are Bad and Ugly! for example:

the first one i drew 3 years ago, just a few months into learning how to draw. the second one i drew about a month ago. they both have obvious flaws and you could even argue that the old one is better drawn than the newer one. so it's like omg did i not improve at all after over 3 years?? did i actually get worse? lol. no! because a lot of the improvement is internal.

you'll notice that the first one was done in pencil and the second one is pen. it took me years to feel confident enough to sketch in pen because you can't erase! you have to commit to the lines! you can actually see tons of erase marks in the first one, but i didnt even use my white-erase tape at all on the second one. also, the first one is a screen redraw. i was just looking at the image and trying to replicate what i saw the best i can. the second one is new scenes/poses that came from my brain—not that they are very complicated/impressive lol, but there's a difference there. and what you can't see at all is just my attitude about drawing them! i can't particularly remember doing the first one but i guarantee i spent forever on it and was nervous about posting it. second one probably took me 7 mins and i knew it was ugly but i was zero percent embarrassed about that lol. that's progress baby!! cant even tell you how much of a difference it has made to me to let myself draw ugly things. i draw ugly things all the time. some of them get posted online. some of them get shared with one or two friends. some of them get shared with no one. and i've finally learned how to either embrace them as what they are or just shrug it off and go, "you know, this is not it! moving on." blank pages are so intimidating because you have a million opportunities to mess things up, but you also have a million opportunities to explore and learn and experiment and have fun and also to surprise yourself with what you're capable of.

i started out with nothing but a pencil and some powerful blorbo brainrot, and that was enough! that has been enough to power me through years of all the struggles and triumphs that artists go through. it was enough to help me push through every art block and keep drawing to the point that my instincts have improved and things that used to be almost impossible for me are just regular hard lol. i've actually illustrated for a print magazine a few times now, and a few weeks ago i finished my first animatic—which i always wanted to do but didn't have the skill or confidence for.

sorry this is so long, i'm just very passionate about this subject lol!! i just want every growing artist to know that if you keep trying and having fun, improvement is not only possible but inevitable. like, you don't even have to do formal studies if you don't want to. keep looking at art that you like and figuring out what is appealing to you. keep drawing what you feel like drawing. if you're no longer inspired by a piece or it's a little too tough for you right now, it's ok to drop it. you can come back later or never. you have infinite opportunities to make new and better art. and don't forget to give yourself credit for the progress you've already made. it's so hard not to compare yourself to others, and literally everyone—even the best and brightest—feels bad about their work sometimes. but try to compare yourself to your past self and pat yourself on the back for your improvement! it's okay to grow slowly, or in a way that's not so visible on the outside. just remember that you are growing, and you will only get better and better.

also, side note about notes/likes: i know it sucks to feel like your work is not getting attention when you poured a lot into it :( this might sound rich coming from me because i feel that people have been incredibly generous toward my work from the very beginning. but just know that popularity is not really about who "deserves" what, and it's not an accurate reflection of skill either. so if you feel unseen, that doesn't mean your stuff sucks. and you never know what your work might have meant to the people who saw it, even if there aren't that many. art doesn't have to be popular to be meaningful, and it doesn't have to be perfect either.

the world is a little richer and more beautiful because of the ways you are growing and the things you are sharing. so thank you, and please don't stop.

[nectaric]

GET  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN.

what made you pick up the muse you have? i'll pick a few: zeus was because i was obsessed with greek mythology thanks to percy jackson and other books i had read, but specifically with hades. when i stumbled across a group rp waaay back in the day that seemed cool, i wanted to join but hades wasn't available so i went "i guess i'll give zeus a shot" and the rest was history. i added athena bc i watched age of ultron for the first time, saw lizzie olsen and went "THAT'S ATHENA!!" i added demeter bc there were no active dem's at the time and i missed her :(

is there anything you don't like to write? there is very little i won't write, i think, under the right circumstances. i find super mundane stuff boring after a little while, but that doesn't mean i don't like it period. i guess i don't like writing things where my muses feel like punching bags *coughszeuscoughs* but i mean otherwise, i'm game for most things!

is there anything you really enjoy writing? FAMILY DYNAMICS are like. my number one. i love dads getting to bond with their kids. i love sibling shenanigans. i love family taking care of each other, i love family arguing, i love family opening up about their pasts and painful experiences. i. love. family dynamics so much, FOUND or otherwise! i'm also a fan of intense angst situations, too.

how do you come up with your headcanons? pure vibes, man. once i really get a feel for a character as i write them, the headcanons kinda just write themselves. some of my more in depth ones come from a lot of thought and speculation, usually done by talking to myself in my room lol, but i really just... imagine them up. sometimes it comes from talking with others, but that's slightly rarer.

do you write in silence or listen to music? usually without music, unless i actually have a space to myself and can throw on some instrumental stuff. but yeah, its usually just with the ambient sounds and chatter of my house.

do you plan your replies or wing them? sometimes i plan them when i first read them because i have a good idea, but for the most part, i wing it when i get to them.

do you enjoy shipping? for the most part, yeah. i can sometimes find shipping a little... repetitive. so i really do need a strong connection between muses and some exciting stuff to throw in to keep it interesting. i much prefer platonic / familial ships, but i do love a good romantic one, too!

what's your alias / name? renee! which is just my middle name but its a vibe, i like it better than my real name.

zodiac sign? aquarius babyyyyy!

birthday? it was back in feb

favorite color? i am such a sucker for green rn, in all shades, but i also really like baby blue n yellow.

favorite song? i think rn its superstar by lilyisthatyou

last movie you watched? MOVIE? i think it was barbie actually

last show you watched? sword art online kdjfhnd

last song you listened to? life itself by glass animals

favorite food? oh my GODDDDD okay listen up. my favourite food ever is a very specific taco from a tiny hole in the wall shop in san jose iturbide, mexico. its a chorizo taco con cebollas and some salsa verde and i DREAM OF THOSE TACOS. i ate those like four times a week for four months. they're incredible.

favorite season? i'm an autumn girlie at my heart, but canada rarely lets me have a NICE autumn :((

do you have a tumblr best friend? @aetheryic is my literal bestie of like 11 years or something and was the one who ran the group rp where i discovered my love of zeus so :///

tagging: all of you!

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

Oh my god, how can people not get that just because oppression are different it doesn't make them less bad!!! The partariachy and white supremacy forcing people into boxes is always bad!!!! Gay men get attacked for being acting feminine, butch women get attacked for looking masculine!!! Society fucking hates us all why can't you have some for of solidarity with your gay brothers and sister!!! Yeah women could live together and touch but still had to hide their identities and their love conform for feminine ideals and were judge for being unmarried and has less rights as unmarried women!! They live in a society that actively hates them for their gender and men don't! That's not treated "better" it's different intersection of oppression. That didn't stop men from living together as "friends" and people thinking they were friends, but again, they had to hide their love and their identity and conform to gender standards!! I can argue here "uhh they had it better because of more rights as men," but actually, no, it doesn't matter in this case because they didn’t get to be themselves!!! We can play oppression olympics, but it gets us nowhere!!! We are are persecuted and demonized for their sexuality!! Defend them not divide us!! Also, anon!! stop trying to act like you're the woke one like "golly gee, it's expensive, so you're the bad person, Leslie a capitalist trash and I don't have to educate myself" fuck you anon you looked that up the price just so you can decide you don't have to educate yourself!!!!! It's sucks that you can't get a physical copy, i wish I could, but there are other ways!! It's literally free on the website!!! Pirate it!!! Or, if you really cared, look for other works similar for it!!! Audre Lorde, bell hooks, Alison Bechdel, Julia Serano!!! Get off your high horse!!! You are the problem!!!!!!!!!

no way bestie go off!! thank you for saying everything that i'm too tired to type out at that anon rn lol

[xocorinalee]

DAY 2 : Things that makes you happy 🧸🍥

🍥🧸🍥🧸🍥🧸🍥🧸🍥🧸🍥🧸🍥🧸🍥🧸

THINGS THAT MAKES ME SOO HAPPY >>

Doing SELF-CARE routine :

>Skin Care (esp Face Mask🍓)

>Nails Care 💅🏻

>Hair Care 🧴

SHOPPING 🛒🛍️

LOL even scrolling through online shopping app already makes me soo haappyy~ 🍥! 😆

GOING TO PUBLIC/LARGE CROWD 🌌

Idk I just find it sooo motivating when i go to places that hv a very large crowd like concert / stadium / big mall. 🍥🛍️💘

WALK/SPENDING MY TIME ALONE 🩷

Well, it's moree peaceful when i'm by myself cus i feel free to do whatever i want , like going to random places & no one to argue with. Just do things I want to do the way I want to (easier) ~ 🍓🧸

KARAOKE/SINGING 🎤🎶

Oh well well well, I went to KARAOKE ROOM every week LOL. I LOVEEE SINGING 🎤 & dreams to be a singer 🍥~ 😁

DOING THINGS WITH FOCUS & GIVE 100%

I AM ULTRAAAAA HAPPIEST WHEN I DO SOMETHING I CARE WITH LASER FOCUS & GIVE MY 100% 💯🔥 I don't care if the results is not perfect but I'm happy cus i know I give my 100% best in it ✨

GO ON DIET 🍽️🥦

I love how my body feels after the diet. Especially water fast, w low calorie soup 🍲 & zero cola diet 🥤. ✅ Just like rn I literally doing water fast 🌊💕 and i feel soo happy cus i can feel my body getting smaller 🍥💕

🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥

Notes: oh lol , yeah it's really day 2 .. I didn't expect this to be lil tiring lel @ I'm actually busy🐢 . Cus since I said yesty Im going to finish all the questions challenge in one day but I think I just do this everytime I want SOO BYE SEE YA 💕💖🐈~ 🍥🌌

Good night 🌌💤😴

[audiowack]

just argued with my sister who's pushing 30 & is pregnant. I'm with my dad rn, I'm literally about to kms quite literally but obviously I´m gonna st@rve myself so I can cope with my problems lol

[malyen0retsev]

sorry if this is super random (especially in 2023 lol) but you're the only person i follow that i know has read tda and i always love your takes on things so i thoughts i'd ask. basically i recently finished tda and i find the parabatai curse confusing? i mean why is romance strictly forbidden and not any strong emotional attachment of any kind (a la jedi in sw)? cause platonic love can be just as strong, if not stronger in some cases, than romantic love so why doesn't everyone who has a strong emotional attachment to their parabatai burst into flames and turn into a giant? idk after literal years of waiting for the secret to be revealed i was disappointed that the reason turned out to be kinda dumb akdkfkf

Oh no dw, I'm literally rereading TDA rn bc I wanted to be hyper-aware of connections to TLH (which I have not started Book 3 of yet lol but ANYWAY)

Honestly, I don't actually have an answer to this. Because, ridiculous as it may sound (PARTICULARLY GIVEN I MYSELF AM ACESPEC AND RATE PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS SO HIGHLY) (the capitals are me screaming at myself, to clarify) I've never actually bloody thought about it like that. I just sort of went "Eh, right, I guess romantic love does something specific, let's go". When it came to the curse, the bit I actually found ridiculous was what broke the curse. I'm not saying I wanted Emma and Julian to face negative consequences for something which was not their fault at all, but I dunno, it felt like a cheap workaround to be literally like... talked out of being cursed?? PERPLEXING.

Like, I love that trilogy so much, it's my favourite TSC trilogy, but the actual central conflict of the curse is slightly shaky lore wise and I won't argue against that lol. I think you're just meant to not think about it too deeply, which feels like a cheat answer but like. It is weird, because we're meant to think (as far as I'm aware) that Emma has been in love with Jules the whole time but just didn't realise it until Lady Midnight. But surely if they've been mutually in love that whole time the curse would have begun years ago? There are holes so I just choose not to poke at them FDFSDKBSDFBKJ bc honestly anon you raise a good point here!

[kkujo]

i've talked abt this before but y'all are sooo annoying the way u talk abt british ppl online like. seriously for you as an american it's easy to sit by and say ha ha you pronounce this word weird you spell this weird you do this you do that you look weird ur ugly etc etc and it's just. really annoying. like clearly you have no idea what it's like to grow up with constant american media knowing you'll never be part of that knowing you're not gonna have high school and prom and graduation and all that stuff that's such a big part of media yk. and getting mocked for your accent and changing the way you spell things to be digestible for americans. and growing to literally hate your accent and wanting to change bc you've been laughed at so much for it. like it really just. isn't funny y'know? you can sit there and be like haha british "people" 😂 but at what point will you realise that british people ARE people and constantly seeing others mock the way they talk genuinely takes a hit on their confidence and is quite literally just hurtful. like use your brain the british ppl jokes haven't been funny for a while now and honestly it's just tiring at this point lol. americans can reblog but don't even think about saying something stupid

[thisdreamplace]

What cab i tell myself when I witness douchebag-ery begavior from a certain @$! person around me? Yep this behavior is reflecting me yep I got to change myself and bot try to change THEM BUT buuuut it still makes me so MAD it makea me want to throttle them and CURSE the #_@6+ outta them when they 'act' like that

Today they acted in a way that's...... The good thing is I didn't react to their disgusting begavior instead i left that place asap and I slowly lovingly cursed them in my mind. And it felt GOOD... But only for a few minutes cuz i normally don't curse at ppl. This person tho... OMG I lose it smmmm with them ;_;

Idk what to do?! Ok so let's say they acted tfat way rn, and I don't react as I did bacj then, and I leave the place. And I don't curse them out in my head... What do I do instead?

Problem here is I AM NOT A SAINT 😂😂😂 Forgiving them in this case is literally enabling such #$## behavior. I'm stuck bween practicing this law thing and not suppressing a breakdown lol

I feel so baddd What do I do 😭?

The truth is you don’t know they’re reflecting you and you don’t know you’re the one who has to change. Sure, you get it on an intellectual level because you read about it. But you don’t know it, otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling like a victim to this person.

Forgiving them doesn’t mean you’re enabling anything. There is nothing to forgive. You’re actually enabling them right now, with how you refuse to accept you’re the one who is at the source of these experiences. You’re enabling them to keep acting this way, because you’re saying “nah, I rather you keep acting this way than me being the one to change.”

I get it. It’s super uncomfortable and we often have a lot of resistance to this type of thing because in the 3D world, it’s acceptable to blame others. “I’m this way because of this person. I’m mad because this person. That person needs to change so I can be happy. It’s not me, it’s them.” We feel powerful when we point at the 3D mirror and say, “it’s not my fault! It’s your fault!” This way of thinking is so popular in the 3D world. But no, it’s you. It’s always you… it will always be you and no one else but you.

The truth is you have to pick your poison. The comfort zone of the victim mentality, or the uncomfortableness of selling the pearl of great price and taking back you power. The comfort zone keeps you experiencing this type of behavior. The uncomfortable zone gives you freedom to finally experience the lovely versions of people you deserve to experience. But that’s a choice you have to make.

What you do instead then, is practice the first principle: be still and know that I am God. You don’t actually have to react everytime. You don’t have to argue in your mind’s eye. You really don’t have to. And sure it’s not gonna feel great at first. Sure, you’re going to slip up and argue and curse them and all that. But whatever, don’t dwell and choose to remember who you really are instead. Choose to remember that conciousness is the only reality and people merely play the roles we assigned to them. How can you truly be mad at a person when you know they are only acting in the way you assumed they would? Extend love to yourself and then to others, because you’re just extending love to parts of yourself that need to be healed. There is no one but you, after all. And in return, your experience becomes more lovely.

I know this was a bit more on the tough love side. But guys, the truth is we can’t keep saying “I know this BUT…” when there are no but’s. When we catch ourselves saying that, well then when we are upset about the circumstances we must also remember to look in the mirror and say thank you to the person who created those circumstances. Taking responsibility is so uncomfy sometimes, but it’s such an important part of this journey. You’ll have to do it eventually, so make it easy on yourself and start now.

Hopefully this helps! 💖

[umnvatra]

About Zhongli's state in the game right now..

I just want to vent(?) and let out my thoughts about this whole ordeal as a Zhongli simp. Take note that if you are someone who has Zhongli or wants Zhongli/is planning to roll for Zhongli and wants to read this post, be prepared. Because as much as i hate to say it, this one is gonna be harsh. I wish it wasn't, but the truth really hurts and is also something that i struggled to accept sjdjdjchsk

Ngl i'm probably going to get hands thrown at me because of this post but i really, really want to vent about what Mihoyo did to his character. This week has been a roller coaster when it comes to Zhongli. From being super excited for his release, being elated getting him, to being absolutely devastated at all the comments and information that had come out prior to his release.

Basically, as a 5*, Zhongli is very underpowered and underwhelming. This is something i hadn't noticed myself because my Zhongli still didn't have a proper build and weapon yet, but when i did, i felt my own happiness plummet at the weight of the reality.

I don't care if he is strong as a support or a dps, and no i don't want him to necessarily be good at being dps. But this will include a lot of stuff regarding damage because he is a five star with nuking potential. It's also this way because he is THAT underpowered. Even having him be a very good support would be a blessing, but as it goes, he is not.

First it was the comments in Youtube videos, arguing with each other about how bad/good he was. Those comments made me question a lot of things. But i felt absolutely crushed when Jinx and Tuner uploaded their stream of their Zhongli and Xinyan testing.

For those that don't know, Jinx and Tuner run a youtube channel where they test many things in Genshin and provide objective information about them based on the results of their testing. When i saw how incredibly disappointed and frustrated they were with Zhongli, i felt really, really sad. After all, they provide maths. Not only are they one of the genshin youtubers that i trust but they also study characters closely and tell you if a particular 5 star character is worth pulling for or not. And you guessed it, they concluded that Zhongli was NOT worth pulling for as a five star character because he is so heavily underpowered.

Then there comes the arguements presented.

Majority of people thought that Zhongli was going to be more of a support character rather than dps, and i could see why, but ironically he has more potential as a phys carry. And this information comes from the testing that Jinx and Tuner made.

However

Xiangling is still a better physical carry than Zhongli especially when you take into account the abilities she can use while attacking. Zhongli's pillar has questionable energy recharge generation, something that i too had noticed. Every tick of the pillar does NOT guarantee an energy, and it drove me crazy. Meanwhile you have Xiangling who can easily bring out energy with Guoba if she so wanted.

And you need C6 Zhongli in order for him to heal like Noelle too by the way. And Noelle is a 4* that is guaranteed on your first time playing the game. 👁

Zhongli's shield is good for sure, but then you have Noelle who can shield + heal. In terms of stuff being done, Noelle's is better. Zhongli's shield is strong yes, but it can STILL disappear after one or two hits from enemies (at least from our experience in higher AR. I have no idea if the same applies to lower AR).

Now for his meteor. Yes, his meteor is good. Not only is it spammable, but it deals great damage as well. BUT THEN you have Ningguang who can be a better burst spam and possibly deal more damage than his could do (remember, Ning has a lot of jades that could each deal 1k if built properly). The duration for petrification is 3 seconds too, which, a lot of people argue isn't enough time (personally, i have no problem with this since i do not mind it much). And apparently his meteor got nerfed because it does not increase geo damage and phys damage as it used to in the beta testing with petrification.

How about his ability in being able to break shields by holding E? Truth be told, i expected that he was going to be able to explode all shields in one go, but it does not work for every one of them apparently. Shields by hilichurls do break with just one E hold. But the ones by Mitachurls don't. I also tried breaking the Geo Hypostasis's pillar using his E hold and it did not break immediately. This could differ however. 👁 I'm still not sure if its because i have not properly built him right for breaking them or not. And about Stonehide Lawachurls... it's the same as the Geo Hypostasis pillar. The geo shield does not break immediately.

I'm not saying all this because i am mad at Zhongli. Rather, i am disappointed at what Mihoyo did to him. I am absolutely happy to get Zhongli. He is the one character i had been looking forward to for MONTHS. I saved resources in advance for him and even held off on leveling up my current team so i could dump all said resources on him when i get him. I stayed as AR35 for many many weeks because i wanted to level him up properly before ascending my World Rank. I think he is super fun to use especially with his burst and i absolutely adore the animation and when he crosses his arms and does his 'osmanthus tea' monologue at the most random times with his lil hand gestures. Even just listening to his voice while being idle fills me with so much happiness. There is so much joy in getting him. Which is why i am very disappointed at Mihoyo for how they butchered his character.

After Jinx and Tuner made their video about the results of their testing with Zhongli, i was genuinely saddened but i gradually came to accept the truth. It sucks, it hurts, but it is the truth. Even they said that they wanted Zhongli to be a GOOD character, but he is just insanely underpowered right now. You can invest resources into him and make him work, but compared to 4* and the other 5*, it takes so much effort. To make him decent, you'd have to level his stuff up so much but that also applies to four star characters and they perform better than him. Husbando > meta yes, but i gotta say that it still stings when my underleveled Xiangling and Fischl could do a much better job being a dps and support respectively than him when he's many levels above them.

Which brings me to the main point of this post.

Why was Mihoyo scared of making him strong? OP? Why did they nerf him so much? He is a 5* character Mihoyo, make him be STRONG at something. It's why he's a five star. But no. They watered him down so much to the point where even four star characters can do his own job better than him. His pillar doesn't even deal damage upon being destroyed just like Geo MC's. The range of his pillar's resonance is too small, and given the fact that his auto attacks can push enemies (except for the bigger ones of) or can be easily walked out of range to is 👁👄👁

And it deals criminally low damage. Like, why? Why not rack up the numbers? What is the problem????

The more i think about it, the more i can see the points that people have been pointing out. If the issue of energy generation with his pillar is RNG based, then that's simply screwed up. It already adds into the lists of problems that doesn't help with how underpowered he is. And as i am writing this post rn, there are lots and lots of Chinese players enraged about how weak he is as a 5* and causing HUGE fights in forums. People in the genshin subreddit had been debating again and again over heated arguements about his abilities. Even if you visit the genshin subreddit today and check every post about Zhongli, you will see people in the comments mention stuff about how he performs in the game and his abilities.

Mihoyo, give him a buff. I know that giving buffs isn't your thing, but there is honestly thousands and thousands of people expressing their disappointment and anger in how weak you've made him. He is a fan favorite. I love him. Majority of the genshin fanbase do. His character is really good and it hecking sucks that he is having major difficulties in fitting in on the game right now. He deserves better. Make him strong. Buff him. Adjust some of his abilities. Literally give. our. geo. dad. justice.

Those who don't care about damage is probably rolling their eyes at my rant rn but given how objectively weak he is compared to the other characters in game, it won't hurt if he gets a buff.

When the survey for Zhongli and Xinyan comes, rate him low. I know. It sucks. It's despicable. Even i hate it. But that is why we have to do it. If we become honest to Mihoyo about how much weak they made him, then maybe they are going to consider buffing or adjusting his abilities.

I'm sorry for the negative post. There is still hope for geo dad. He is incredibly fun to use but if you are debating on whether to pull for him or not, my answer would be

If you absolutely love him as a character, go for it.

Otherwise, just wait for now. Because his state in the game isn't looking so good at the moment.

For those that already have him and are also disappointed or saddened by what happened, take comfort in knowing that tons of people are still using Zhongli (including me who went through such roller coaster of emotions lmaoaoaoa) regardless of the information that he is behind in terms of being a dps and support. And that there is still hope for him (WAIT FOR THE SURVEY AND RATE HIM LOW YO 😭😭😭 IT WON'T GUARANTEE THAT MIHOYO IS GONNA BUFF HIM BUT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE RAGING RN THERE IS A HIGH POSSIBILITY THAT THEY WILL LOL)

Have some goofy screenshots that i took while playing as Schlongli

[well-shit-im-a-morosexual-now]

Hey, it's me again! The Anon that constantly comes back because I'm too lazy to play the new lessons myself.

Anyway, Lesson 30-something, what happened in it? I've just seen screenshots and most of them are Solomon blushing (which, well, can't really say I'm complaining).

Hope you answer, and I'll probably ask you about the lessons after this.

-Anon that's still somehow stuck on Lesson 31. Seriously, I should really start playing the game again soon.

I'm screaming I literally wrote this whole thing and it got deleted because tumblr refused to send it and just banished the reply into the void i want to fight someone. I'm so sorry I'm gonna bang my head against something now.

It's okay if you ask cause I need someone to rant to after lessons!

So two days before the ritual to break the pacts. Solomon is researching how to use the night dagger.

Lucifer & Satan are arguing on the staircase (cause 50% of all important conversations happen on staircases - and I mean this sincerely). Lucifer promised mammon he'd come play cards with him and Satan doesn't want him to go cause he thinks it'll be a scam (he's worried about his dad big brother❤). MC asks Satan if he's worried about Lucifer and that makes his affection go up. He asks MC to promise him to go with Lucifer and keep an eye on him. He ruffles MC's hair and gives them the same we'll still be friends talk that the others do

They go to play cards and place bets, if Mammon wins he gets Lucifer's credit card for a day and if Lucifer wins he gets mc alone for a day. You can choose whether you want mc to either play along or cheer for Lucifer. (And look my MC's performing Olympic grade gymnastics to avoid Lucifer's advances & this lesson has a lot of options to romance Lucifer that I didn't pick so...)

Lucifer gets distracted by Mammon's car before they start playing.

WE GET THE BACKSTORY ABOUT THE CAR!!!!!! AND LOOK IT'S BEING THERE FOR SO LONG WITHOUT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I WAS ALMOST CERTAIN IVE BEEN HALLUCINATING IT. the backstory was actually really cute.

Mammon really really wanted this limited edition car (it had a rare colour) so he worked his ass off and earned money to buy it (I think it's mentioned that this is the first thing he bought from his own money). But by the time he'd earned enough it had been sold out. As far as Mammon knows Lucifer spoke to the dealer and was able to find one last car (can you do that? Can you just ask them to look in the back and they'll just pop out with a car they accidentally overlooked?). BUT Lucifer recalls that he actually spoke to diavolo and called in a special favour to get the car for mammon. Lucifer tells mammon he was impressed by him and I no longer possess a physical form I'm now a bowl of goop with thumbs to type

Lucifer wins (duh) and mammon asks to speak to mc alone. He tells them that even if their pact is severed he'll always be their first man. MC says 'I won't forget.' Mammon does that stuttery thing and says something like 'don't forget.' He hugs them tight. I added a screenshot of this (& other important moments) to my first answer but I don't wanna risk it cause if I lose this again I will realistically commit homicide. But anyway this line killed me 'suddenly I feel like the invisible bond between us is even stronger than it was before'. If I wasn't a puddle before I would be now

The next day mc & Lucifer meet up to go out, Asmo and mammon complain, I'm a total dick so I don't let MC hold Lucifer's hand and it makes him sad (I cry). They meet Solomon at the gate and he says he needs to talk with MC but can wait till after. He suggests going to the carnival (from the beginning of the season) cause it's the last day at the devildom and Simeon was planning on taking Luke but had to bail to go to the celestial realm. (Also the devildom is only one city/district right? I always saw it as the capital of The Devildom as a whole)

Lucifer laments not being able to remeber their first time at the carnival, mc gets to reassure him that it's okay. They get popcorn and go on the ferris wheel.

He asks them what they spoke about last time on the ferris wheel. The answers are 'Lucifer' or 'diavolo' . if you choose diavolo he throws shade at past Lucifer for being an idiot and talking about another man when with MC (*SNORT*) .

LUCIFER CONFESSES!!!? HE SAYS "MC I LOVE YOU"?!? HE'S THE FIRST BROTHER TO DIRECTLY CONFESS AND HAVE MC DIRECTLY CONFESS BACK.HE BASICALLY SAYS 'ANYWAY PAST LUCIFER WAS A FUCKING IDIOT BUT I LOVE YOU'. my mc goes 'lol as a friend'

Yes yes ik mammon technically confessed first and did so twice (thrice?) but neither were direct. The first was him agreeing with mc about them being in love in front of someone else and the second was under the influence of the truth bracelet. Asmo confessed too but in a 'never thought I'd find someone I love more than me. That's wild' way.

After mc shoots him down he goes 'that sucks guess I'll have to try harder to make you fall for me'

@like-nxrthernstxrs if you say you love him back, you get to kiss and mammon who followed you sees and goes quiet which yeah no, no thanks

I didn't unlock the locked lessons but screenshots show that all the brothers follow them I think (imagine the nightmare of dating one of them for real tho? Like you, me and your friend Steve except Steve is your 6 brothers who want to sleep with me)

The most notable exchange during them is when Levi asks whether Lucifer seems happier without his memories (he actually is more carefree) but mammon says he wouldn't be happier because he loves all his little brothers and he wouldn't be happy if he couldnt remember them. Levi tells mammon it's gross whenever he starts acting like an actual older brother (so we've seen mammon step up to the role of a older brother every once in a while - specially when Lucifer isnt able to - and he's actually really good at it? And that's just💞💞)

When they go home, solomon's in MC's room. He goes 'so do you want the good news or bad news first? Actually they're both bad news and you're fucked lol'

The dagger is so old that it doesn't have enough power to break the bonds and even when charged with Solomon's power it isn't enough.

The only way to restore the power is to use it to stab a powerful demon in the chest and have it absorb the demon's power.

Then he gives mc the dagger and is like 'anyway go stab Lucifer in the chest or we're all gonna die'

MC's like 'what the fuck'

Solomon goes 'lol just kidding i wouldn't ask you to do that'

Solomon tells them that he spent his whole life protecting humanity and that he is willing to do anything to save it. He tells them that choosing between all of the three realms and one demon should be easy. But he can't because he knows that'll make MC sad and he doesn't want to hurt them (honestly some of the dialogue from Solomon, Simeon and even diavolo makes me wonder if they'll ever become LIs down the road)

Lucifer has been eavesdropping the whole time (obviously) and kicks Solomon out.

Mc tells time not to worry and that they'll figure something else out. He tells them that he cares about his brothers and them (he puts a bit of emphasis on MC) and that he wants them to stab him. MC keeps on protesting. He grabs their hand and makes them point the dagger to his chest. You get a choice. You can either stab Lucifer, MC or command him to 'stay'. If you choose to command him, he freezes for a sec and then tells MC they are too distraught to be able to put any actual power behind the command. He moves their hand to stab himself. The screen goes white. If you decide to stab MC he screams their name. The screen goes white

A '???' voice tells them to stop and that it's not needed. Simeon (the only person with even a single braincell in this entire game) stops their hand and tells them they've been brave. He slips an old ring on to their finger. The screen goes white.

The screen's still white but now it's white in a way that makes it look like it's sunlight blinding the screen.

Another '???' voice apologises to MC for not being able to meet them before. It asks mc why they refused to stab Lucifer. They can say it's because they love him, because they didn't want anyone to get hurt or because they wanted to find another way. And look even if you aren't romancing Lucifer you have to admit at this point of the game MC does love him and all his brothers as well.If you pick the first option the voice says that it's a good thing and that they should cherish that love and let it grow. If you choose the second it tells them they are kind. The voice then tells them that after seeing how much the brothers adore them it expected them to be wicked and that it's happy they aren't. It tells them that they don't have to worry and that the ring of light will keep their powers in check and that they should go back because the others are worried. MC wakes up to Lucifer calling their name.

I'm 90% certain the voice in Michael, 10% of me is terrified it'll turn out to be God. And look I'm not religious, I don't really believe in anything and either way I was raised in a Buddhist household so God has never been anything I believed in BUT God talking to me through an otome game is definitely not something I need rn or ever really

Mc, Solomon, Simeon and Luke are by the lake at the palace. Solomon says he can finally relate to Mammon cause Lucifer had punished him. Simeon reveals that Lucifer had punished diavolo as well and would be coming after the rest of them that kept this whole thing secret from him (And this kills me! This man loves his family so much he was not only willing to go against God and his army when his family was in danger but he was also willing to lash out at DIAVOLO who he has so much respect & loyalty towards when he accidentally put Lucifer's family in danger!??? Anyway any chance I had of solidifying into a physical state has been completely swept away)

It's revealed that Simeon may or may not have stolen the ring from Michael who still loves Lucifer and keeps a shrine to Lucifer all of Lucifer's things from the celestial realm with him. And honestly I want whatever superpower Lucifer has that allows him to act like a dick with major issues but still makes ppl just absolutely love him. (I absolutely adore how easily om! throws around the word 'love' or actions of love. And I don't mean regarding MC. I mean between the brothers, undateables, Luke and side characters. Like at this point there's no doubt that despite all their differences everyone loves each other.)

Simeon (or Luke) note that now with the ring MC is as powerful a sorcerer as Solomon and may someday surpass him. Solomon is asked of he's jealous and he says he's not and he's glad to finally have someone like him.

Solomon pulls MC aside and asks them for a favour. They can either ask what it is or say 'anything for you'. If you choose the second option he blushes. He tells them he has spent his whole life looking out for humanity (thousands of years) and that he would like to work side by side with them to protect the humans. In his own words they'd be 'partners'. You can either agree or tell him it sounds like a pain in the ass. If you agree he says that a part of him knew they'd agree. (I can't remember if this is said outloud or implied but I'm assuming this means Solomon will teach them to use actual magic thus making 3 out of 4 of my main game MCs magical apprentices. Nice.)

*Solomon refers to himself as 'the witty sorcerer' confirming that all their aliases in the cards have actual canon meaning...so Mammon's 'fallen warrior' and 'punishment party' is basically just confirming he was probably the only one classed as a fighter from all his brothers back in the celestial realm and that he's a masochist right? That's what that means?*

Barbatos arrives to welcome them and ask them to follow him.

The lesson ends.

The pre stabbing scene with Solomon and mc doesn't really follow the exact dialogue of the first scene in S2 and the backgrounds don't match either (the human world vs MC's bedroom). Now this could mean the devs fucked up or it could mean there's more BS waiting to be stirred up. Personally I believe it's the first one BUT with how determined the devs seem with turning all of Lucifer's hair white i wouldn't be surprised if it was the second either

Hope that helps 31!❤ sorry it took some time I had to take constant breaks to scream cause the app sucks :)))

[yehet-me-up]

*busts through the door like I'm the Kool-Aid man* BONJOUR FUCKERS I'M BACK!!! It is I, the Theatrical Gay Anon™! I hope you're ready to endure my endless babbling for a bit cuz I've got lots to say holy shit. Consider this part 1 of like, 1000 cuz I think Tumblr got rid of the submissions feature. I apologize in advance for the spam hehe.

Okay, with that out of the way. Ms. Yehet-Me-Up, may I call you Sarah? Sarah, what the fuck!? I can't even rn. I I give you a simple suggestion, no expectations behind it. I say "Hey, don't you think it'd be cool if Zitao was in the Exodus Mall universe?" to which you said "Yeah, that'd be neat, I might do that. Perhaps make him work at an Irish pub or something" and then I flip out with gratitude and excitement thinking you're gonna do like, a DRABBLE. 500 words at MOST -Theatrical Gay Anon

Imagine my SHOCK, my STUPEFACTION, upon realizing that you wrote OVER TEN THOUSAND WORDS about Huang Zitao aka the wind beneath my wings, the rain to my drought, the corny joke to my Junmyeon. And not only that! But you did this A MONTH AGO. I could've been reading this for so long and I had no idea! How foolish am I? I can't believe you wrote all of this based off of a silly little suggestion I made. I feel like bowing over how not worthy I am Wayne's World style -Theatrical Gay Anon

NOW IN REGARDS TO THE CONTENT OF THIS MASTERPIECE OH MY GOD WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN!? I am floored by your preeminence. First things first, the title? Perfect. Full disclosure, I suck at titles. I've been writing for over a decade now and I'm still shit with titles. It's so hard to come up with just a few words to encapsulate everything you wrote but you do it SO WELL. The moodboard? Amazing. I've always loved that picture of Zitao and it fits so well with the pub setting -Theatrical Gay Anon

I'm afraid you've written "Fractions of Tomorrow" so well that I don't see there being a need for anyone to write anything else...ever. Stories? CANCELED. Poetry? CANCELED. Biographies? CANCELED. It's all over folks. Sarah has written The Best Thing Ever. We've peaked as a society. After I finish writing these asks I'm gonna become a hermit in the woods and make friends with all of the woodland creatures that inhabit it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

But seriously though, I love absolutely everything about this story. As a Zitao fan, I'm used to getting breadcrumbs. Not a lot of ppl write fics about him. I can count on one hand how many long fics of his you can find on Tumblr. But THIS?? This was no breadcrumb, this was a whole fucking bakery. And it all appeals to me so much oh my god? The sappiness of it all, the flowery prose, the rebellious rejection of cynicism, it's all so beautiful I want to marry it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

If I discussed all of the sentences in this fic that made me giggle with joy and kick my feet around I'd be here all day so keep in mind this is just a FRACTION of the ones I loved but I couldn't go without mentioning at least some of them so here we go. "It’s not his first time here, but it’s his first time paying attention" SHUT UP this line is go good it's so simple yet so nuanced I adore it. Seriously, why hasn't anyone hired you to write a screenplay? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"He wonders if you ironed the collar of your shirt to be that precise or if you simply move through the world without acquiring any wrinkles" God, this line is so CUTE it's DISGUSTING he's fond of the reader's un-wrinkled clothes that's such a specific thing to like and is totally the type of thing I've done with the ppl I've crushed on throughout my life. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Zitao,’ he says finally. ‘Cute.’ You say" this is such a little thing but I love that you included his full name in this. I love his full name so much it sounds really pretty. Whenever I hear him refer to himself as "Huang Zitao" in interviews my heart soars. Hearing him speak Mandarin in general is a delight as well. It's an audibly gorgeous language and any racist who says otherwise can EAT MY ENTIRE ASS -Theatrical Gay Anon

"For someone who’s been in love for as long as you can remember she fights awfully hard against Baekhyun’s romantic nature" DEAR GOD I LOVE THESE TWO! I love these movie loving lovesick fools. I love that everyone in the world knows they love each other except them. I love seeing bits and pieces of their story throughout this written universe. I can't wait to see it all come together in Baekhyun's Exodus Mall fic. It's gonna be GLORIOUS -Theatrical Gay Anon

Also! I know you enjoyed my song recs that I thought fit perfectly with All Our Broken Places so here are some for when the Baek x Hitchcock fic drops. I know it's not done yet but I just *know* what it's gonna be like I can feel it in my bones. "Sidekick" by Walk the Moon and "Tongue Tied" by Grouplove. As for Fractions of Tomorrow I knew right away what songs I'd pick. "Dreams" by The Cranberries, "Jumpstarted" by Jukebox the Ghost and "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey -Theatrical Gay Anon

Gosh, this fic filled me with so much energy and joy I feel like a toddler on caffeine. But I really should sleep now though. It's gotten so late that I can see the sunrise peaking up sdksdksl. I'll see ya soon! I will be spamming you with more compliments about this fic once I wake up though! - Theatrical Gay Anon

Hi! I'm back. Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about some of my favorite lines from the story. "‘Hey man, how’s it going?’ Baekhyun reaches out and does a complex handshake with the man before you. ‘Oh, you know. Just working at the salt mines,’ Tao says with a laugh." I LOVE that you made Baek the one Zitao was close with. I miss the beef brothers so much. I'll never forgive SM for what they did to OT12. They were all such good friends 😔 -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘I’m not sure.’ For a flash Tao’s eyes linger on you once more. ‘I think it would depend on the person.’ And then the bastard goes and winks at you." GOD, HE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! HE'S SUCH A SHAMELESS FLIRT I HATE HIM *narrator voice* This was of course a huge a lie, he in fact loved Zitao immensely -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Sweetheart, I’m everyone’s type.’" You've captured Zitao's unlimited confidence so well and that makes me really happy. It's one of my favorite things about him. The man truly loves himself and I think that's awesome -Theatrical Gay Anon

"Tao looks at you through his lashes, bending close enough that you can feel his breath on your lips when he speaks. ‘Words are just the appetizer, darling. I prefer to have an entire feast.’ 'Any other questions or can I grab your orders?’" ASDKDSDSL SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA SAY THAT PANTY DROPPER LINE AND GO BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL ZITAO???? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO??? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Oh, nothing.’ He looks like the cat that caught the canary. ‘I just love being right.’" Something I love about EXO fic writers (myself included lol) is that despite all of the different ways they'll write the other members, there is one member who is always written the same and that's Baekhyun. He will always be written as a cheeky little shit cuz he *is* a cheeky little shit. That's just who he is. Messing with ppl is a favorite past time of his. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"'So, love, huh? There’s not some girlfriend or boyfriend of yours waiting for you at home?’" Thank you for not being heteronormative with the "are you dating someone?" convo. I know it might not seem like much but I really appreciate it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"The beginning of love is always a lightning bolt. If that’s all it ever is you never have to deal with being knocked on your ass by the resulting thunderstorm" OOF, this one got me. So very true. The beginning of love is so scary! -Theatrical Gay Anon

"I could argue that anarchy still is love. Love of your beliefs and love of a person or a place or a thing so much that you’re willing to fight for it" OKAY BUT PASSIONATE LEATHER JACKET WEARING ANARCHIST ZITAO IN A ROCK BAND IS SUCH AN ATTRACTIVE CONCEPT!!! There's nothing sexier than a bad boi that will hate capitalism with you! He'd probably be the one to give ppl rides to protests and stuff I LOVE IT -Theatrical Gay Anon

"If we say love is a feeling, who’s to say that we aren’t in love? If we decide it’s an action then which one is it? A kiss or a commitment or - maybe it’s nothing more complicated than putting words to the way I feel when you look at me?" Listen I don't mean to be dramatic or anything (wait, who am I kidding? I'm literally the Theatrical Gay Anon being dramatic is like my Thing) but if a guy ever said that to me my trans boi pussy would be open for business IMMEDIATELY

Alright, so, uh Final Thoughts. This may be my new favorite work of yours, and no it's not just cuz it's got my ultimate bias in it lmao. This year has been so shitty and it's made my depression + anxiety reach the highest possible levels but reading this, this love story filled with hope and certainty despite not knowing what the future will hold for them, made this year seem easier to cope with. Thank you so much for making this, it means the world to me. -Theatrical Gay Anon

ALRIGHT, LAST ASK AND THEN I'LL SHUT UP I PROMISE but I personally headcanon that Double Shot + Zitao stayed together till the very end. They didn't get married cuz they hate formalities but they got matching tattoos and even when they're old and grey you can still them clear as day on their wrists. When they're asked how they met no one believes their answer lol. And when Double Shot died of old age before Zitao he would sing her favorite song by her grave every Saturday -Theatrical Gay Anon

OKAY SO I know I said I was done and I know I've already sent in like, 30 bajillion asks but I'm curious does Yifan or Luhan also work at the Irish pub?? Or do they work somewhere else in the mall? Inquiring minds want to know -Theatrical Gay Anon

When I tell you this made my entire month (when you sent it weeks ago, I’ve been hanging onto these because they seriously bring me SO much joy holy crap) I am not remotely kidding j;oaisjdflkasdjfa

I am absolutely going to put on these song recs while I work on the next chapter! 

a;osdfjlaksdfjasl the fact that you stayed up late to read this warms my heart so much. It reminds me of all the times I stayed up til the ass crack of dawn reading fanfics because I simply could NOT stop reading, so the fact that you enjoyed this like that makes me helllllaaaa emo 🥰

I just??? 2020 was indeed such a long year and affected my energy and creativity and honestly don’t really remember writing this hahaha. I kind of go into a fugue state with these longer fics and they just EMERGE. So to see you reflecting back some of what I wrote allows me to enjoy the process so much more. Makes writing and tumblr fun and I seriously wish everyone writing and creating could have someone as passionate and thoughtful and hilarious as you hyping them up 🌟 it honestly feels like a GIFT and I will absolutely keep writing this series and hoping to be worthy of it 😘

We will definitely get to see more of these two in the finale fic! I got into EXO after Tao, Yifan, and Luhan left so I’m not quite as familar with their personalities, but I could definitely see Yifan working at the US Bank haha. Business suit by day and partying/flirting by night. As for Luhan I feel like he’d work somewhere like the bookstore or the music store?? somewhere quieter and more contemplative. 

Thank you again for sending this and for being you <3 I hope 2021 is a wonderful year for you and that you know how AMAZING you are 💖💖💖💖💖

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

4:16 am

Currently listening to: happier than ever by billie eilish

when i was a kid, my dreams used to be so hyper-realistic that i had trouble discerning the difference between dream life and reality. i don't remember how this affected my daily life, but i know that sleep was incredibly difficult for me. i'd just stay awake most of the night, reading, writing, or laying on the floor listening to music with my portable cd player (lol). and when i went to sleep, i'd think it was all real.

this was why i had a lot of trouble with bedwetting as a kid (we're getting personal rn lol). i literally just didn't know the difference between the two worlds and would confuse which bathroom was real. i remember once, i went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and i was so tired. but i noticed that the porcelain was cold, and i realized for the first time that the difference between the real world and dream world was temperature.

so i formed this habit where if i wasn't sure where i was, like if i was dreaming or awake, i'd just touch something cool. in school, i'd touch the cool metal legs of my chair, or i'd press my palms against the brick walls, or i'd take off my shoes to ground my feet into the cold linoleum. sometimes, i'd bring my satin blankie up to my lips and just feel the comfort of the cool fabric against the skin on my lips.

it became a comfort for me that i still do. when i'm scared or tired or anxious, i find something cool to press my hands or feet or face against to ground myself, even though i can tell the difference now. i had no idea for years that this was derealisation.

that the more traumatizing the events a child experiences, the more advanced a child's ability to dissociate becomes.

i remember waking up as a seven year old after one of the most traumatizing moments of my life and never seeing the world the same way again. i remember that memory as if i'm not the one experiencing it.

i remember waking up a few years later when i was twelve in a cold sweat, crying because i couldn't remember going from age seven to age twelve. like it was almost as if i went to bed a little girl and woke up a young woman. and it was scary.

i had no idea for years that that was also a form of disassociation (amnesia). it's taken years to recover those memories. lots of ruminating, diary entries, discussions with others, therapy.

i still disassociate a lot. like when i go through something even remotely stressful, i cry, and then i just stop and stare off into space for an hour. i'm aware that i do it. it's one of my few comforts. until someone asks me "what's wrong?" and i just remember everything and start sobbing

having adhd makes this weird because i do daydream, but it's a completely different sensation from disassociation. i realized a few weeks ago that i miss whole lessons just standing there, not hearing words or anything. i'm just gone. lights on, no one is home.

sometimes i'm daydreaming, but other times, most of the time, i'm trying to argue with my brain about the world around me bc it just goes entirely flat and it doesn't feel real. it makes me physically sick.

i'm not sad rn. i'm just thinking about how hard my mind has worked my entire life to protect me. how lovely it is that my body cares so much about me that it built me a world inside of myself for me to go to so that i am safe and warm. how sweet it is that i had built in comfort mechanisms, and ways to cope.

as hard as it feels to live with my brain sometimes, i think it's important to remember the things it has done for me. to remember how hard it worked to care for me when i was scared and alone. to celebrate it for guarding me. yk?

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #13: “I'm about to make a million dollar mistake..” - Tim

So....pretty sure my game just suffered a MAJOR setback. Alyssa was my ride or die to the end, and Karth just proved himself to be an unreliable ally. He felt threatened by Alyssa, and maybe rightfully so, since she would definitely have probably beaten him. So at this point, it looks like the sides are lining up to be Me/Zach vs /Tim/Karth/Stephen at this point. I don't think I can convince either Tim or Karth to go against the other, but Stephen might be a possibility. I promised him my loyalty if he'd be my ally, and I argued that tim and karth definitely could NOT and have shown that they will break those promises, so Stephen is pretty much my hope at this point. That being said, I am one clue for spelling the word 'ESCAPE' in the idol hunt, although I don't know what to do with the word once I get it. If I can pull out an immunity this time and get the idol, it's a possibility I could still make it to the end. Here's hoping.

So I survived the last tribal!!!! I can't believe it!! I'm very very satisfied with the way last round unraveled. I pushed for Alyssa to go because she was the main person after me and I was happy with targeting her this round. I pushed for her name because I figured Zach wouldn't want to go to rocks over Alyssa and if he didn't then she'd go home. I didn't want to vote Jake out because I'm trying to bring him to the end of the game with me and karthik. It all worked out in my favor when Stephen won immunity and Zach,Alyssa, and Jake voted for me. Karthik wouldn't flip on me and Stephen had nothing to lose in the event of a rock draw.

So this round's challenge is mastermind! I absolutely love this challenge it is my favorite!!!! Ok so the worst case scenario that can happen tonight is Zach winning immunity and Jake playing an idol on himself!!! That would leave me completely vulnerable. The only way I would survive in that scenario is if Zach and Jake vote Stephen and not me, which I doubt. But the numbers are dwindling quickly. Does jake really think he stands a chance against Zach or Stephen at the end???? He can't be that delusional right??

i promised alyssa i would have me or jake in ftc.

i lied.

the idol is gone.

i'm flopping at this challenge.

it's over.

i'm going :airplane emoji: fifth place.

i think there's a decent chance the vote is 3-2 and i'm in the 3, but get idolled out.

So basically at this point, my path to the end involves Karth not being an idiot, but for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to recognize Stephen as the legit jury threat he is. Ughhhh

Zach claims Stephen is the biggest challenge threat between the two since he has won 2 immunities. I disagree. Have yall SEEN Zach premerge??? He literally carried every tribe he was on. He def has challenge capabilities that I or Stephen don't possess. If I vote out Stephen then it leaves two duos at final 4. Its a 2v2 and if Zach wins that immunity then the game is over for me. If Jake wins it will go to firemaking and I will get my ass handed to me by Zach. On the FLIP SIDE If I vote out Zach then the game becomes a 3v1 with Stephen being a solo player. If he wins that immunity then I can kiss my chances of winning goodbye. If he loses then his game is up and I get to go to f3 and possibly win?? So that is why I'm leaning towards voting for Zach over Stephen.

I'm about to make a million dollar mistake.

I am a mess..idk what to do. I am unsure if I should be glad or sad for being the only person not getting votes so far. I have been doing the best I can but it still seems that I would be seen as the goat at the end. Its so unclear for me on how the jury perceives any of the remaining people and who their favorite. All I know is its definitely not me. At least winning this immunity could have given me some confidence but I wasnt lucky in that either.

I've been pretty calm all day today knowing that I'm going to survive the Tribal Council thanks to my idol. Maybe to a strange degree, but honestly, it's all okay. Jake winning immunity is unfortunate only because it limits my options of who to vote out, but I was leaning towards voting Zach anyway, so this isn't the worst case scenario at all.

Since Alyssa has been voted out, Tim and Jake have both told me that I'd win if I make Final Tribal Council. Tim even got a little vindictive with me when I tried to argue I wasn't the biggest threat to win. I appreciate the compliment, but not all of the implications that come with it. Needless to say, if I didn't have an idol, I'd be packing my bags tonight. But luckily, thanks to Tim, Karth, Alyssa, Jess, and Ally, and all the information they gave me, I won't have to worry about that. My eyes are on F4.

Winning the next immunity challenge would be amazing. It might get me into Final Tribal, but it may also just get me into F3 immunity. I have no clue what it could be. I hope I don't NEED to rely on immunity to stay, but, I mean, give me a break here. With so many people saying I'm THE threat to win, how could I not feel that way?

🚨🚨🚨ANNOUNCEMENT🚨🚨🚨 🚨THIS IS POSSIBLY MY LAST CONFESSIONAL FOR CELESTIAL: KOMNATA🚨

i believe this vote will be 3 votes stephen, 2 votes me. i also believe, in some way, stephen is going to get idolled.

my initial plan was to get [tim + karthik] = stephen [zach + jake] = tim [stephen] = zach

so when one of them idolled, i was safe. however, tim not being on board derails that plan entirely. this game is so frustrating. his logic to a degree makes sense. i support it. but like, stephen will sweep this FTC and i honestly probs wouldn't so. also, through our conversation, i realize how smart tim is. good for him!! king of analyzing.

anyway.

firstly, thank yawls for hosting. i'm sorry 2 alyssa. it's just sucky cuz the "three biggest players" at merge (this is on paper, not legit) were ally/alyssa/myself, and all three of us are probably leaving back 2 back LOL

i also want to apologize to jake. this is for post-season ig NNNNNN jake - i want 2 apologize for being distrusting of you in the past. you are a great person + i am so appreciative to have worked with you & met you in this game.

i am leaving this game content (if i do, that is). i played hard. despite a huge target on my back, i managed to get fifth (when i almost got 10th/7th). i had a pretty elevated social game, physical game too, and i think strategically i was fine. my main blunder was the idol misplay but zzz i wouldve used it at f6/7 anyway probs, just bc ppl knew i had it. i dont want to stroke my ego or anything but im fully accepting of how i played. i only wish i had more agency, but i dont really fault myself for that i guess (but when i get to jury/post season ill def see that it's probs more something i did but... for now, i'm angel :$)

me rn: Alexa, play The Climb

going✈️fifth and going✈️jury tonight! cheers

🚨🚨🚨gays dont win lol🚨🚨🚨

Sooooo...this vote basically hinges entirely on Karthik. If we three vote Stephen (is and Zach), then Stephen is out UNLESS he plays the idol which is a distinct possibility. Either way, the possibility that Stephen gets three votes and doesn’t have an idol is the only way Zach can get thru this vote, and I really hope he does.

Zach is voted out in a 3-2 vote. He becomes the seventh member of our jury.