#(i love letting my brain go on insane journeys in my little blog)

[theirloveisgross]

I know it's probably a long shot, but I've been thinking about it a lot, like I'm sure some of you have as well. So I'm just going to ramble.

I see photos of Rachel having a good time with Louis and all, during tour, and it's not like I think they became best friends, but I think they had a good time and stuff. And Louis likes her music and interacts with her stuff. I love that.

And I know that Florence is really good friends with Rachel... And that's been going on for a while actually. I feel like the first time i heard of Rachel was through Florence maybe a year or two ago. Anyway...

I'm like- can you imagine what a Florence-Louis friendship would be like?! Just- I know! I know! It's very unlikely... But weirder things have happened. And just- dude. Their personalities are just so... I think they'd match together so well, it's insane. That capricorn energy. Their work ethic. The loyalty. The no-bullshit approach to life. Just!!!

We were robbed of Florence-Harry. Maybe... Just maybe... We could still have Florence-Louis. If they were both to go to a Rachel show. That show she has in London on March 6 perhaps? Louis should be available. Idk if Florence is set to be filming anything but like- c'mon.

Well, putting all of this down now made me really really really want this so bad. Even more. *siiiigh*

I'll just be manifesting, I guess.

Louis, go follow Florence, c'mon now.

[chiyoso]

update

hi pookie. to those who read this the first time, welcome back, this is a re-write. an update. i kinda found the initial update i did rushed, not clearly descriptive of my situation outside this writing hobby of mine. also for the ones that i tagged, i have notes for you <3 (sorry for the tag 🫶🏻)

alright. hello hello. i'm chiyo, a jjk-focused/sporadic genshin and hsr fanfic writer, and you've caught me, and this blog in such bad time, and im so, so very fucking burnt out.

writing for me should be fun, stress relieving, and that goes for any other hobby i have. i have been told and supported countless of times to take a rest, to take a break from this, but my stubborn ass continues to try and get something out, anything to keep my blog alive, hells, it feels like a toxic relationship where i keep coming back, because i remember all the fun, happy and fond times i had in this app, only then to return to why it becomes draining, exhausting.

just sat there, occasionally laid on my back, using my phone, but with unmoving thumbs, with a brain lacking the world that needs the narrative to make a story, fuck, where has it gone?

that innocent, startup of mine, the newfound love and interest for that world of fiction that you all create. dude, i remember being so happy discovering that this brain of mine can conjure up so many shit, all because of your words, it's fucking amazing. hence, the start of the era of my honkai star rail writing journey. (hsr/hi3rd fans who followed me, i let you down with my jujutsu kaisen brainrot obsession im sorry lmao)

“take a break hira,” “take a break chiyo,” “please, take a break.”

i've heard it all, and with utmost love and respect, thank you.

thank you for everything, every word, every action, and every peep of interest you all had for me. small and big creators, who, stopped by because of my small percent chance drop in on their feed, because of the stories i created that you shared, i've met so many wonderful, inspring and motivating people in tumblr, fuck, i didn't expect to crrate a little community all by myself, with my grit alone, it's so rewarding for someone who strives for perfection, for someone who struggles with her mental health daily, for someone who deluded themselves in a world of fiction, I can't express my genuine gratitude enough.

i'm not quitting. maybe i should've mentionrd that earlier to prevent you from getting rattled, but continuing off, i don't find myself quitting this writing journey, maybe i'm just not in the right mental headspace for it at this time. damn, my ex really fucked me up LMAO.

right, i'm aware of the less and lessening interactions i've had with the people i've encountered throughout tumblr, i feel sick of myself for not being able to catch up, nor interact with any of you as much as i could anymore, it really, really fucking sucks, i hate it, i hate it, i do.

i still have leftover projects to go over and publish, because i still want MY ideas, MY thoughts, MY worlds of fictional prowess to all of you. i'm not done, but i will say, that i'm- i'm so incredibly, so very sorry to the ones that were highly, to the heavens, expecting greatness from me, to the ones who were anticipating my unfinished stories, fuck, there's so much to do, yet my body, my mind, they do not respond, as if i'm losing my sense of time, literally.

all i can say to those sticking with me because of their plain interest for me, i wish, i pray, i'll beg, beg for me, my soul, my mind, my body, my spirit to heal, and heal faster, so i can love you all at my 100%, not with my trying 20%, and lower.

thank you. to the old, and to the recent supporters that got me to 3k followers and counting, fuckin' wild. actually insane.

i'll continue to write. i'll continue to create. i don't want to quit.

i don't want to leave the only thing that gave me freedom, and the genuine happiness the first time, making me discover shit about myself, and there's that.

p.s. apologies for my jjk brainrot everyone who followed for genshin and hsr <3 also that one popular otome game, love & deepspace? yeah, that shit's also fucking me up so good.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: (lawd i feel bad for tagging)

@ainescribe @wanderingconstellations @teapartyspilled @v3lv3tf0x @ciarchivez ⸻ you fucking OGS. literally five pillars of my life, the cheerleaders, my absolute undying support of this blog, you saw me at my noob tumblr handling form, the lows, the highs, and the absolute peaks, i consider all of you special, i do, you all made tumblr and the writing community such a fun place for me. thank you, thank you, i just can't spam that voiceline enough.

@peachdues @screampied @chuluoyi @blkkizzat @jabamin @flametrashira @meowzfordayz ⸻ you superstar mutuals of mine. we've only interacted sporadically, PLEASE BLAME MY BURNOUT AND COLLEGE SCHEDULE FOR THAT, but all of you invoked so much burning hope, and motivation for me through your stories, AND your interests for me, whether it'd be something about my themes, edits, stories, it doesn't matter, you all took interest in lil' ol me, despite what, being such big content creators? FUCK??? that's insane. thank you.

god, i seriously wish my schedule would just clear up by a fuckton, and then again, i was the one who took psychology and performing arts 💤 i hope, hope HOPE i get to interact with you all again once i take a leave/break from college.

⸻ with all my love, chiyo.

[huenjin]

— rue's milestone celebration/follow forever.

i've always wondered whether to do this or not, but then here i am, three thousand and a little more followers later, doing this because i am so, so grateful to all and some a little more for hearing my insanity out.

i hit the milestone exactly on this blog's six months/half a year anniversary and i think i squealed about this to krissy because honestly, that is insane. i do not know what to say but all my head can scream is thank you, thank you, thank you— to every single person who decided to click on that follow button and follow me on this journey.

my writing is still messy. my blog is sporadically active and i die on you guys way too often. my activity is sometimes crazy but here you are and here i am, still hand in hand, together and for that, i must love you. i will love you. i will also be forever grateful for not letting go of me. thank you.

to every mutual, to every single person i talk to, to every single person i follow and see you on my dash just as you see me on yours, i secretly have a huge crush on you! squeals, bye!

° :: you have a special message!

@aliceu ♡ @baekhvuns° ♡ @bangtantaegi ♡ @bearseungmin° ♡ @binniesthighs ♡ @bratlino ♡ @bxngchxn° ♡ @chaangbin° ♡ @chanluster° ♡ @decembermoonskz ♡ @delicatewerewolfsoul ♡ @formidxble ♡ @hwaven ♡ @http-chan ♡ @illicit-roses ♡ @itsapapisongo° ♡ @jeonginify ♡ @jeonqqin ♡ @jinned ♡ @jl-micasea° ♡ @kabira ♡ @legendaryoikawa° ♡ @lixesque ♡ @mochinnie° ♡ @moonlit-lixie ♡ @neo-shitty ♡ @nightshade-minho ♡ @popisdead ♡ @quokkacore ♡ @satanssmuts ♡ @seungmoomin ♡ @sleepylixie ♡ @sparklemin° ♡ @teasty ♡ @violethhj ♡ @vocalyunho ♡ @vogueinnie ♡ @youhn°

@baekhvuns ♡ my wife, my whore, and just mine. ki, baby, thank you for gracing me with your insanity. like i hate you lovingly for ruining me for everyone here on tumblr as much as you hate me for corrupting you with church girl fantasies. i love you and thank you for following me here even though i just has forsaken my atz + bts writing blog. thank you for that <333

@bearseungmin ♡ it's been a while since we spoke but omg, the way you write leaves me gasping, dawnie. can't wait to get back to reading your ricochet series and i also can't wait to catch up with you !!

@bxngchxn ♡ fuck, ryn, the way nara introduced you to me and i'm so glad because you are just such an insane human being and so pretty that you glow. i love you for being so nice, so optimistic and so mature about everything!

@chaangbin ♡ haze, babe, i go 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 every single time i text you because i love talking to you so much and i love being honest and downright real with you. i love making theories with you and i love spilling tea to you. we should probably start our own buzzfeed unsolved, tumblr edition.

@chanluster ♡ you crazy bitch, that's all i think every time i see you. your writing to the craziness you spew out, like ma'am, spare some talent for all of us here, yeah? also, talk to me, homie. i miss you spewing incoherent mess in my inbox. i love you, my art kid. one day oil painting won't be a bitch to you!

@itsapapisongo ♡ javi, you are so fucking supportive you make me cry. how can someone embody positivity as much as you do is what i will always be surprised over. also, your writing is so poetic i will cry again. ily, my home boy!

@jl-micasea ♡ the way i look upto you, mi. like you're my maternal figure here on this hellish site and i miss talking to you but that doesn't mean that i'll ever stop thinking of how impeccable you are. thank you for being an inspiration.

@legendaryoikawa ♡ THIS IS MY BITCH. OFFICIAL NOTICE. like hell, hannah, how are you still here? how are you still here and how are you still bearing with my insanity. thank you for naming me rue. thank you for loving me. thank you for telling me how to deal with it all. thank you for supporting me. fuck, i love you, baby.

@mochinnie ♡ i aspire to write headcanons like you write them, isa. thank you for so inspirational, for being so bold and strong and thank you for everything. and thank you for making me a whore for innie?

@sparklemin ♡ big brain nara. there's nothing better in the whole wide world than your prompt ideas and thoughts like they make me cry, scream and fall in love and that's the power they hold. nara, thank you for being such a warm person to talk to !!

@youhn ♡ my main girl, how have you been doing? i'm sorry for being such a trash person barely being able to catch up with you! i promise i'll open discord and respond to you, in a case where you haven't already forgotten your password! thank you for letting me be the genuine me and thank you for letting me open up to you! i love you!

— i most definitely must have forgotten few because going through the followers list when you have an active main account is so hard; just because i can't differentiate who's a moot for which account. i'm sorry for that. but thank you to each one of you because you are here. you are here to read my stories and hear the tales i have for you. to more to come <3

[dl4draws]

delfi!!

no idea when exactly you're starting your break and if i'm already too late; i just gotta say this real quick. (i'm also writing this while sitting in a chemistry lesson, so i'm sorry if this is a bit incoherent)

first of all, whether you see this before or after your break, you deserve it! take care of yourself!

struggling with your own art is something i relate to a lot and it sucks, but please be kind to yourself. i hope you get to a point where you feel better about your art soon, even though that's a hard journey sometimes, you'll get there.

your blog here has become somewhat of a comfort blog for me and you're a big inspiration. (definitely didn't paint sokka with freckles because of you cough cough)

i don't know where exactly i was going with this (because my brain is the size of a peanut) but i guess i just wanted to say that you're awesome, and not just because of your lovely art but in general. you deserve a break, take as much time as you need and be kind to yourself. we'll all welcome you back with open arms! stay safe💕

here's another pretty sunrise from a few days ago lol

hi!! i’m over here sobbing thank you 

i’m very thankful that this time it didnt take me two years to start drawing for real again, that happened, it was a nightmare tm,, it took exactly two days of literally not drawing anything for me to want to draw so bad i painted something in three hours, it was insane djksfhdf my hand was itching to draw so bad

i’m so glad my little corner of the void brings you comfort, that makes me really happy!! i try to draw wholesome or silly content often (except for the hanahaki au, let’s all collectively ignore that very non wholesome au) because it makes me happy, and if it makes you guys happy as well then it gives me even more joy :D

also please let me know if you ever post that sokka drawing because i would love  to see more freckled sokka, he’s my fave <3

trying to draw everyday was honestly the thing that made me want to take a break tho, i literally disliked every single doodle i posted 😓 

thank you so much for the lovely message 🥺 i missed you guys so im back, break was shorter than expected but i started thinking about all the stuff i might be missing and the interactions with the zukka nation, and just went, i’m better now, i’ll take my time with drawing and that’s okay, so boom baby here i am :D

i also worked A LOT on the au lol, finished thumbnailing all of the hanahaki comic, and created a carrd specifically for blackout racing lmk if you guys want to see it, and wrote a lot as well!! didn’t draw the boys but i’ll go back to that soon <3

sunrise pic!!!!!! love love love!!!

hope you’re having a wonderful day <3

[jesswsc1]

Initially, I wasn’t overly sure how to interpret our title of ‘black books and black holes’. I’ve felt awfully low for a while, and it’s been heavy on my mind, so I figured I’d take this project as somewhat of an opportunity to reflect on the past, troubles i’ve had as well as using it as a kind of venting of current frustrations. These low points act as my own personal black hole, as I fall down into them for some time. Similarly to how black does, they absorb any kind of light surrounding. To me, at times, this has meant not enjoying things I’ve adored prior - such as spending time with loved ones, music and hobbies. Growing up there were several black holes, but amongst them I have fond memories with my cousins, siblings and childhood friends. Somebody who has always been there for me (whether it be through choice or not) has been my brother. I decided to incorporate pictures of us throughout my little black book as homage to him as he is truly one of my favourite people ever, despite the troubles I don’t think our bond has ever gone away - it’s merely taken small redirections. I have such admiration for him and know I can rely on him and speak free from judgement. Years ago, I believe it was 2013, he fell ill and this meant he had to be hospitalised for a couple months. It was really hard for my family and was of course even more difficult for him. Seeing as he was hospitalised, this meant regular trips to the hospital, on the car journeys we’d always have the same Passenger CD playing in the car. I guess we just never got around to changing it. On this CD was a particular song that we’d all sing along to, which funnily enough is called ‘holes’. Hearing this song now makes me feel so safe and hopeful, knowing it got me as well as my family through a rough period in time. I made sure to incorporate some of the lyrics into one of my book spreads. One line reads, ‘but we carry on’, which has definitely stuck with me.

The constellation element of our project had me reflecting on space and the universe, and what exactly it means to me. Although I’m not too into space, I’m definitely fond of the moon. After my parents divorced, I was left in custody of my mum for a while. A teacher told me to look at the moon, because she’d be looking at it too at the same time and thinking of me. During this time I was living in a troubled home (I made this house the exterior of my book*) and would be heavily supported by her in school. She’d give me notebooks to express myself in and explain what was happening, as well as a departing gift when I inevitably left to go live with my dad here in Bury. Despite being a small part of my life, she still means a lot to me and has a place in my heart. Though not physically present with me anymore, she cared enough to find me years later and reached out to make sure I'm doing fine. It's reassuring knowing there are people as pure as she is. Because of this I dedicated a small section of my book to her that looks like a slither of the moon when the pages are flipped back onto it. 

My black book was titled ‘Wailing Ghosts’ by Pu Songling, containing 14 tales of various monsters and creatures, which is fitting to my work revolving around numerous burdens I have that seem to act as these little monsters also, creeping up every now and again. I did consider creating my own ‘chapters’, one for each black hole of mine, but didn’t want to structure my book in that way as I didn’t want to disrupt my creativity or force things.

          I say ‘was’ because I actually decided I wasn’t all that keen on how i’d layed my pages out. I instead took a second black book and collaged, reworked and inserted pages into a new one. I’m really glad I did so, as I now have a book I much prefer over the first. An aspect I did keep relatively whole was the swirly, illusion-looking front cover with a hole burned through the centre, almost like a little entrance to another world. Stanley Donwood inspired this page through his swirly seas he often features in his works, as he uses a bold thick line against white ones. I opted to put this page underneath my front cover so it still got to be showcased - only cutting a part off the corners to make sure it fit. 

Featured in my book are a few small self portraits, in varying cartoon-y styles. Some are only inspired by my face whilst others were drawn whilst staring into the mirror, then back at the page. Having struggled with low self esteem, there have been times where I don’t even want to perceive myself let alone interpret that into a drawing. Meanwhile doing my book work, I realised I have never drawn a self portrait - not since being a kid anyway - and had even actively avoided doing so during GCSE art. Over the past year or so, I’ve overcome an array of issues I’d had, so found myself able to draw these little portraits. It sounds pretty insane to me now that I would’ve found it so hard before, knowing I enjoyed coming up with various ways to put me in my book, even wanting to print pictures of me (sadly our printers decided to act up so I was not able to implement these). I feature my bathroom mirror on one page as it’s been the target of over-analyzing and although I have come far in self love, it still remains a deadly weapon. 

Claude Heath’s sketchy, rough portraits inspired me to create my own. I really enjoy how reckless his style is, as I'm trying to escape the ‘this has to be perfect’ mentality, Heath is a great example of how you don’t need to overthink your work. It can just exist and look cool. It’s fine. This was also encouraged in Thursday drawing sessions where we did blind drawings. I kept this mindset whilst doing my book as I tend to either overwork myself trying to create ‘perfect’ or do absolutely nothing, so I went with the flow of how my book panned out. 

Seeing as my work theme is a little on the darker side, I considered subduing the colours or perhaps even going full black and white. However, I love utilising colour in my art and felt this would make me feel unmotivated and uninspired. Especially seeing as this book is about me, it’s not insensitive to anybody to make it colorful and exciting. So, I have. Plus, despite everything I’m still smiling so I wanted to convey that somehow. Sort of, making the best out of bad situations. Damien Hirst’s usage of colours influenced me to just have fun with it, in the same way he does when creating his works. 

Throughout my book I have experimented with oil pastel, paint, staples, collage, rorschach ink blotting, screen printing, spray paint, photocopied pictures, flip book, tracing paper, washi tape and i’m sure there’s more. Point is, I wanted to cover a wide range of techniques seeing as there were many pages. In doing so I believe this was the best way as it meant there was a flow of ideas coming as I worked. I’ve learned that I love a range of ways of working as it keeps my brain ticking, meaning the work doesn’t feel stagnant and dull. Sadly there were lots more ideas I had for what to do into my book, but due to various reasons I couldn't. Such as wanting to sew using a sewing machine into my book, I tried to set my sewing machine up but when I would go to sew the thread would snap. But I believe it’s definitely something worth trying another time, as I was intrigued to see how it’d turn out. I also wanted to make a better flip book from the corner of my little page (see animation on blog) as it’s really simplistic. But drawing the little stick men alone took me an hour or so, and I didn’t see that being of much importance compared to getting actual pages filled out. Thus, I left it as a simple stickman. That being said I think the stick man illustrates the cycle of being in a slump, which is relatable to how lockdown is feeling and fits well with my book contents. I felt inspired by an artist who goes by ‘inhalerqueen’ (Amanda) on tiktok, who draws a simple, silhouette-like figure repeatedly. She calls this figure ‘void’ and i’d consider her work to be vent art, expressing how she feels. Originally I wanted to make my stick men look like void, however I don’t think that would be all that beneficial/change the effectiveness and would only take up more time.

If I were to have a soundtrack to my work I would opt for ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay. Reason being, regardless of my state of mind I return to this song and feel the same listening through every time. It’s such a lovely song and just feels like peace, as cheesy as that may sound considering Coldplay is very much dad music. It reminds me of my yellows, and how much they mean to me. Even with the black, I have my yellows. Lyrics to the song can be found in my book also. 

Overall, I’m relatively pleased with my work. There’s no doubt things I would do differently, but I’m glad I’ve had this experience and was able to vent a little similarly to how Amanda does. In future I hope to perhaps recreate this book and treat it as kind of a ‘rough’ or ‘plan’ for a more refined and thought-out version, perhaps this time with chapters like I'd considered and with ideas I didn’t get to delve into.  There are pages I’m not so keen on, but I’m proud of myself for just leaving them as opposed to overworking them and/or scrapping them just because they aren’t what I like. I love the pictures of me and my brother, if I could I would’ve collaged more into my book however our printer simply wouldn’t allow it. As well as the exterior of the book, as I think it adds a personal element as opposed to being left as it was. 

[ana0072]

I DARE EVERYONE TO RANT ABOUT THEIR

@bootyful-seventeen @bruhwheresthekpop @quitehopeful @the-likesofus @aliensrenn @eternal-carat @fyeahsoonhoon @freshbling @jinjinmyworld @junvenescence @joshoooji @jjoshuas @luvhannie @loonalovelace @lilithpooped @my-woozi-happiness @minghowdareu-blog @seventeens-diamond @uwillneverknowwho @wonwuism @yeahmacs

JOURNEY WITH KPOP, I'LL START

My history with kpop started when I was like, 8 and it was, (as of any other 8 year old during that time) because of Exo. But alas, we did not have the luxury of technology and a hand phone back then so I never really got to memorize what they look like, let alone their names. I "liked" them because of my cousin and you know how kids are with people they admire, I wanted my cousin to like me so bad.

Then I didn't see my cousin for a while and generally forgot about Exo because of my short attention span. Then years later, as BTS rose in popularity. I had the displeasure of witnessing a more than unfriendly banter on socials between two different fandoms and I realized how toxic some fandoms are, swore off of kpop. I actually despised it for a while because I hated being a basic bitch that thirsted over some korean guys.

Now I really hate how I was back then.

Then, the day it happened. The year? 2018. My sister introduced me to Seventeen. I reacted negatively to them at first of course, cause I claimed myself an anti towards the general clusterfuck of the kpop industry. But shit the first song she made me listen to just had to be Clap. And the moment my eyes landed on these 13 boys I instantly felt something tug at my heart because 'holy shit how are these guys so pretty?'

I then worked at memorizing their names.

I struggled at first. Obviously.( I couldn't memorize my classmates names and I see them on a daily basis, how the hell am I supposed to know the names of 13 people I've never met before in my life?) The solution was served to me on a silver platter when one day, I stumbled across a seventeen being crackheads video. It was perfect. With these videos, I got to understand these 13 boys better not from an idol perspective, but from a 'they are still humans' one.

For a good few months, I only liked Seventeen. I became a little crazed over them but it was still not crazy enough that I fell in love with them in a romantic sense or anything, I still had a brain mind you. Of course I knew nothing was ever going to happen and I was never going to meet them, least of all marry them. What am I? A sasaeng?

But, it was still only them. I still was aware of the other groups out there. Mostly that one that starts with a B that everyone at my school keeps obsessing over and I frankly find them slightly overrated, but I digress. I started exploring a bit. Expanding my horizon if you will. ONEUS was the next group I found but at the time they still had just debuted and I lost interest in them fairly quickly to my disappointment. (DON'T WORRY THOUGH IM A HARDCORE TO MOON NOW OKAT HWANWOONG THE BADDEZT BITCH) Back to exploring.

Of course if you love Seventeen you would have to know of their husbands, Monsta X. I tell you IM is very good at convincing me. Got7 was next. Fell in love with BamBam. Quickly realized I had a thing for rappers and the second youngest when choosing my bias because, Vernon and Jooheon could not have been a mere coincidence.

Seventeen, MonstaX, Got7, Exo, Kard, Astro, Blackpink, Twice, Red Velvet, Mamamoo, Ateez, TXT, Ikon, Super Junior, Stray Kids. I memorized all of them just for the kicks of it. Quickly became obsessed with all of them fairly quickly too.(Btw mamamoo made me realize I was Bi which was quite an interesting journey.) I even took a liking to the solo artists, like Eric Nam, Kim Samuel, Sunmi all that jazz. Even the actual kpop bands, Onewe, Day6, The Rose, N.flying.

All this, in the span of three years. I still do stay away from the big BTS, I'm just not quite interested in them no matter how much you try to convince me. Nothing against them though, they are quiet nice, I like their music, (but in terms of their faces I onky know what RM looks like) I just really dislike the amount of toxics there are in their fandom.

This year though, I decided to take on the biggest memorizing game of my life, that is the ever growing Neo Culture Technology.

I knew they had many members, I just didn't expect it to be THAT many. I am still struggling though. With Dream mostly. Doesn't mean I don't have problems with the rest. I already have no problem with 127. U is still confusing but I manage. WayV is.....um....

ANYWAYS thats my journey with kpop. I know, this was fucking long but I enjoyed it. I am still at work, memorizing some members and am currently trying to add The Boyz into my never ending list of pretty Korean, Chinese, Japanese, American and Australian men and women. Seventeen are still my number one group though. But stanning them makes me have slightly higher standards for choreos and synchronozations. Oops.

Now, as a multi, I feed off of, (live for essentially), the idols interactions with other groups. Which seriously makes me wish some fandoms would stop fighting cause it is literally helping no one when they fight. Because at the end of the day, these idols work night and day to please us, trained endlessly to get to where they are. And some of them are strapped down by contract to some soul sucking ent. company that sometimes would refuse to give them the tools to further their careers.

By fighting, it wards off potential fans because they think, if the fandom is this bad, what kind of people are the idols? Most of the negativity though is the ones against their idols dating. To which I say, who the fuck cares? Why can't you stand the people you admire be happy? (LIKE HYUNA AND EDAWN AND HEECHUL AND MOMO ARE THE FUCKING CUTEST OKAY) Because lets face it, they aren't going to date you. They never will. That's just reality. Can't you see how miserable they are? So many idols kill themselves due to depression and pressures from fans, how sad is that?

Have you seen Super Junior? Most of them are nearing their fucking 40s and they still aren't married. Thats so fucking depressing. Atrocious doesn't even begin to tell you how I feel about fans fighting for their so called oppas dating. Its irrational. Its insane.

It's apparently my journey with kpop.

[thechampagnelovers]

camila did you really just say that shjahsjssj It’s so easy to make people fall in love with Niall tho, he’s just such a natural charmer 🤩 Nooo it’s the other way around! For me you are the big blog, you seem to have so many friends here too! Im definitely not big in any way but I have my fun here either way :) Also 🥺 you calling me cool and stuff - I’m so lucky to be your secret Santa 💛 Okay so let’s talk more deeply about Niall! How/when/why did you become a Niall girl? -Santa 🎅🏼

yes I did and I recommend it a lot but you didn’t hear it from me 🤭

Niall really is a natural charmer, he’s just so fresh and unique and so himself, he’s one of the few celebs out there who you can tell they’re genuine and true to themselves and that is so hot, in a world full of fake being real is the bravest thing you can do

djdhdjjd I don’t really care about being a “big blog” but 🥺🤍 yes I have friends I would like to think 🥺🥺🥺 and we have fun and I love them sm. and dear Santa you ARE cool, don’t doubt it 🤍 and I count you as one of my friends I hope u know

AHHHHH I love this, yes let’s do this

I was around 11/12 yo when 1d became popular here. Their video diaries and the rest of (at that time) British youtube squad (zoella, jacksgap, dan and phil, etc) were my main source to learn English, besides Harry Potter (and from here comes my obsession with the UK). I literally used to watch the vd like they were youtubers and that’s funny bc all the charm of them comes from the fact that they’re normal guys, you could see them interacting and making jokes and laughing and it was so captivating. From the first moment I saw Niall my 11 year old brain went “yes, that one is my boyfriend” skdjdj for several stupid reasons I believe: he was blonde (back when I was a kid I had a preference for blondes but now I like brunettes more lol 🤪), he played guitar, he was funny but also a little shy, he was alllllllwaaaays laughing, we both had braces and in my teen mind that meant we were soulmates or something, he was going for the jb look at first (not many people knows this but I was a diehard jb fan when I was a kid, now I just hate who he become sjjdjddjnd but believe still slaps anyways). I can’t pinpoint an exact moment i said “I’m gonna be a Niall girl” tbh, back in the day people were cruel (people still are cruel lol) and many used to look down on Niall and I took it personal ajhsjsjd it became my duty to protect him from the mean 13 yo girls from my school.

What I like the most is that we both grew up, and he went from a boy I really liked to a man I really liked. In essence niall is still the same normal guy, he still laughs and makes jokes, he still plays guitar all the time (I miss his lives, it was just him staring into the wall and playing any random music 😔), he is still funny and a little shy but he gained confidence, he learned to trust himself and to love himself more which is the same journey I went through (it’s something you really never stop learning but yeah). He is still him but now he’s unapologetic about it, he doesn’t have to give explanations, whoever likes it good and the rest can just go somewhere else. I kinda hate myself for saying this but the hiatus did this, he needed to leave the band (although they are his friends and they love each other so much, they easily upstaged him) to see how much power he had in his own hands, to understand that people were there for him. I still remember all the flicker boom and how insane everything felt, his surprise in his face!!! He couldn’t hide it. I remember the Buenos Aires flicker show and I get so excited because it was one of the best shows I’ve seen, if you can handle Argentina you can handle any show in the world.

I really like Niall, besides all the het jokes I make, because you can see how he matured and we matured together in a way. I grew up and I still like him because he also changed as well, he also grew up and became a better version of himself, someone more confident, more happy, less embarrassed of being who they are. And that’s just extremely relatable for me. I always say I relate to Louis bc we come from very similar families and we both have the big sibling rol, but overall him and I are different in personality. If there’s anyone who I feel more close to, it’s Niall. So yeah I guess this is my how/when/why djddjjd but I want to know yours😱 pls

[emgetslim]

Wait, why am I doing this again?

So I’m Emily. I’m 23 years old (24 in a few weeks, thank you very much!) and I weigh 193 lbs. Believe it or not, I don’t think I look like I weigh 193 lbs. Yes, I stand short at 5’3, which would lead one to think I must look morbidly obese carrying that  weight with such a short stature. Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with the gift of curves. My whole life I’ve been on the thick side, and I mostly haven’t ever minded much. Of course, things changed and that’s why I’m here now.

Last June, I weighed in around 168 lbs. I was sort of startled, as I had been around 160-165 for about a year at that point. I can’t believe there was a time when I didn’t hop on the scale every single day. Anyway, I figured the weight change could be attributed to the fact that I had been taking antidepressants for a few months at that point. (Side note: I absolutely do not regret my decision to take antidepressants. After a year and a half, I’m no longer taking them, but they changed my life for the better and I’m glad I took them when I needed them). I was comfortable with that weight and thought I looked pretty good most days. I was concerned that by reaching 170 pounds, I would suddenly look fat. That’s what my brain told me. Well guess what? That wasn’t the case at all. I did hit 170, and then 175, and while I knew I was gaining weight, I really didn’t think I looked bad. I love indulging in unhealthy food, and as long as I looked okay, who cares right? I’m young, my blood pressure is healthy, so what? I didn’t change any of my habits and the weight continued piling on. When I hit 180 around December of 2019, I panicked. I knew I was letting my weight quickly get out of control, but once again, I didn’t do anything about it besides verbally put myself down. I could now visibly tell I had gained weight. I saw it in my face, my stomach, and in the purple stretch marks on my thighs. I began to dislike how I looked. After packing on a few more quarantine pounds, I hit 190 in March. I’ve spent the past 10 months feeling horrible about myself but not doing anything about it. I have continued to eat fast food multiple times a week, drink with friends on the weekends, and complain about my weight while doing NOTHING TO MAKE A CHANGE. Of course, knowing I had a problem and not doing anything about it only made me feel worse about myself.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind myself that 193 lbs looks different on different people. Sometimes I think I don’t look so big. Sometimes I think all anyone must think about when they look at me is how unappealing I am and how much weight I’ve gained. I think other thick and big women are beautiful, so why don’t I think that about myself now that I’ve put on more weight? I’ve been yo-yo dieting since the spring. I’ll start to eat healthy, count my carbs, cut things out of my diet, work out, etc. and then I stop after 2 weeks because I get discouraged. It’s ridiculous and makes me feel insanely disappointed in myself.

I miss the way my body looked around 160-165 and I am concerned that if I don’t do something now, the numbers on the scale are only going to continue to grow. I feel powerless to my food addictions and emotional eating. I’m tired of the low self esteem. I’m tired of starting diets with good intentions and stopping the second I have a Taco Bell craving. I have decided to invest in my self esteem, my health, and my mental well being. To do this, I have purchased a one month subscription to Nutrisystem. I know some people will say this is a “lazy and overpriced” weight loss plan, but I don’t care. I think this is the kind of plan I need to see some results quickly and be motivated to continue making healthy choices. I NEED pre-planned meals already in my pantry. I NEED someone to tell me exactly what to eat and when to eat it, and that’s what Nutrisystem is supposed to do. Yes, it was pricey, but it was pretty comparable to my monthly grocery bill. Plus, it is money spent on investing in myself.

I don’t expect anyone to read this – it’s more of a way for me to rant and hold myself accountable while documenting how this little journey goes. I’m excited to track my progress and maybe writing this blog will be another way I can make sure I’m staying on track. Will Nutrisystem give me the results I want? Will I be able to kick my indulgent food cravings to the side? Only time (and this blog) will tell! Wish me luck!

[heisthq]

you all certainly didn’t make this easy on me — it was an incredibly tough decision for many of the roles. there were THIRTY-EIGHT applications for only ELEVEN roles, which is insane, and please know that every single one was incredible. i’m only one person on the internet, and this decision is in no way a reflection of the quality of your writing ( seriously, i know i just said it, but i’m kind of shocked by how good every single app was ). i’m so grateful for all the love heist has gotten, and i couldn’t be happier with the beautiful submissions i received ! from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

for those of you who were accepted, please follow the checklist, familiarize yourself with your fellow members, & review the triggers list. once your blog is set up, please send it in to the main within 24 hours so i can send you a link to the discord server. 

but enough talking — the newest members of HEISTHQ can be found under the cut !

welcome, DEDE ! you have been accepted as THE BLEEDING HEART, otherwise known as JUDY FAULKNER PRYCE ( ELIZABETH OLSEN ).

good god. what a way to start off acceptances — judy reached into my heart and took it for herself, and i’m not upset about it in the slightest. her gruff outer shell, still with that instinctive need to help, to do something, is so bleeding heart, and i ached at every step of the way through her journey. i knew i was really in for it when i dedicated a skeleton to loss itself, but you spun that concept into a living, breathing person and shot her back at me. i’ll happily let her knock me down any day, and i know she certainly will as soon as she makes her way onto the dash.

welcome, CHERRY ! you have been accepted as THE CAREER CRIMINAL, otherwise known as MISCHA DOSTOYEVSKY ( NATASHA LIU BORDIZZO ).

though you made my decision very difficult with that eleventh hour app, i couldn’t stop coming back to mischa. from the beginning of her childhood crimes to her current position as the head of the motherfucking bratva, she pulled me in and got me hook, line, and sinker. you painted such a brilliant picture of her that i felt she was going to jump off the page at any moment — and that last line of her bio ? chills. literal chills. finally, i have now decided their next heist is going to be stealing lip gloss from claire’s, shoutout to mischa for that hot idea. all in all, she’s an absolute delight, and i cannot wait to have her here. 

welcome, REED ! you have been accepted as THE EYE IN THE SKY, otherwise known as INDIANA “INDIE” ASCENCIO ( ANA DE ARMAS, BUT ONLY WITH PINK HAIR ).

okay, first of all, are you kidding me with that bio structure ? that was the coolest shit i’ve ever seen. what a way to kick it off for the eye in the sky — i said break the stereotype and you said bet. indie is an absolute gem of a character, as stunning as she is valuable, and damn if she doesn’t know it. she’s so vibrant that i could practically hear her voice when i read your answers to the prompts; i’m still howling at thirty five pages of criminal offenses. the eye in the sky needed to take me by the throat to show me who they are; you broke down the door and said here she is. i couldn’t be more honored to have her.

welcome, NOAH ! you have been accepted as THE GETAWAY DRIVER, otherwise known as CARLISLE “JACE” JACOBI HARRISON-SHEA ( CYRUS AMINI ).

the getaway driver was, arguably, the toughest choice i had to make — but i couldn’t help myself. jace drew me back in every single time like a moth to a flame, and i know he’d read that fact with that same, secret little smirk. every moment of reading your app is exciting, like i’m white-knuckled in jace’s passenger seat, along for whatever twists and turns his psyche brings, which was exactly what i was looking for. there are too many incredible quotes to put in one acceptance post, but one such example is stunningly simple: you weren’t just running. you were chasing. i posed a question in the getaway driver’s skeleton, and with one quick pivot, you took my breath away. just... wow. that’s all.

welcome, MARS ! you have been accepted as THE HIRED GUN, otherwise known as ASLAN “MAZZIE” YILMAZ ( ALPEREN DUYMAZ ).

mars, i’m gonna be honest, i hate you a little bit ( but not really. i love you ). i’m pretty sure forcing me to choose between two stunning apps should count as some sort of personal attack, but after much agonizing, i’m delighted to settle with the absolute tragedy that is my newest son mazzie. there’s a quiet power, a quiet ( but no less imposing ) threat threaded throughout his story, and somehow you managed to weave my own heartstrings into the picture alongside it all. you sent me tumbling head over heels for this man who, in his own words, is death himself. you gave me my hired gun, and he’s everything i dreamed. thank you.

welcome, LUCY ! you have been accepted as THE INSIDE MAN, otherwise known as IVY WANG ( GEMMA CHAN ).

lucy. lucy !!! you didn’t make it easy on me, but man, i couldn’t be more wrapped around ivy’s finger, which is probably just how she’d like it. the structure of your app was so interesting & unique ( that arrest report ?? HOT ). she encapsulates the inside man so perfectly — from her mannerisms to her motivations, everything was so spot on that i’m pretty sure you reached inside my brain to pull out my exact vision. she feels so real, so human and so powerful all at once, and i would personally let her arrest me and write her a thank you note for putting me in jail. i’m obsessed. obsessed !

welcome, BEE ! you have been accepted as THE MASTERMIND, otherwise known as BISHOP LEE ( CHOI MINHO ).

my beautiful mastermind is no longer mine — he’s yours, bee, every inch, and i couldn’t be happier about it. from his recruitment log ( which was !!! you wove his voice into it so perfectly ) to his reasoning for creating the group in the first place, bishop is someone i didn’t expect, but i adore him, shaping his little family & leaving behind a legacy he can be proud of ( “so bishop acts like they’re immortal, because he truly believes they are. it’s just his version of immortality is in the history books rather than an eternally beating heart.” are you KIDDING ??? ). please don’t take him from me — i don’t want to let him go. 

welcome, MIA ! you have been accepted as THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK, otherwise known as MARTY CHOI ( KANG MINA ).

listen, i’m pretty relieved i didn’t get another app for this character, because i didn’t need one — marty is the new kid, through and through. she has that hunger that is so quintessential for this role, the drive and ambition for something more in this grand universe of ours. it’s so perfectly exemplified by marty’s own words: let me be excellent at something again. let me be proud of my own capabilities again. let me be part of something so i'll stop feeling so alone. this !! this is so perfect i almost jumped out of my skin reading it. thank you for bringing me our perfectly imperfect new kid — i can’t wait to see her in action.

welcome, LEXI ! you have been accepted as THE SECOND IN COMMAND, otherwise known as PERCY BANKS ( BRENTON THWAITES ).

holy shit, lexi. holy shit !! from the moment i saw “STATUS: deceased” at the beginning of your app, i knew i was in for a wild ride — but i had no idea what truly awaited me. from percy’s humble beginnings through his ambitious rise to hotshot fbi agent ( speaking of, can you say hot fucking take to have him as ex-fbi ? i’m floored ), i was hooked into the twists and turns of his story, my jaw dropping when i realized who jupiter was after all. the highs and lows of his first foray into the world of heists had me on the edge of my seat, and i truly cannot wait to see what percy does next — because at this rate, who knows where he’ll end up ? i’m excited to find out !

welcome, HANNAH ! you have been accepted as THE STAR OF THE SHOW, otherwise known as STRIKER KIM ( CHARLES MELTON ).

god, hannah — break my heart, why don’t you ? as each tidbit of striker’s past fell into place, that’s what you did, and i’m aching for this boy who’s just trying to stay alive ( and live as much as he can while he still is ). though the star could be played in so many different ways, you took this role an entirely different direction, and suffice to say it blew me away. literally, your mind. exhibit a — you didn’t go running to high society for fame or fortune, no. it was your insurance policy — god, striker !! he’s such a complex, heartbreaking character, and i can’t wait to see him on the dash. he may have a hand in two different worlds of crime, but he’s also got a place in my heart, and god knows he could use the love. also, making me crack a code just to understand your bio headings ? touché. i deserved that.

welcome, ELLIE ! you have been accepted as THE WATCHDOG, otherwise known as THEA JAIN ( NAOMI SCOTT ).

the watchdog requires a delicate balance: soft edges bathed in steel, a gentle person capable of terrible things. it can be a tough image to capture, but i shouldn’t have worried. your entire app painted a picture of this exact person, tugging at my heartstrings until the very end: remember that you are thea jain, and that you are a good person. you are kind. you are loved. and you are in control. that was it — just like thea’s fifth rule to round out the reminders of her morality, you completely sealed the deal. the way she cares for the team, baking for them and occasionally mothering them, exposes that soft underbelly guarded by her quiet yet surprising strength and power. you’ve made a beautiful character, ellie. i can’t thank you enough for bringing her to me.

[watchtheblog]

the girlfriend experience

my birthday is coming up (september 26) so i wrote 1200 words about nonsense so that i could bury a birthday wish list at the bottom of this, rather than tastelessly flaunting the fact that i’ve compiled a list of things i would let strangers buy me for my birthday… which i do every single year!

(if you came here looking for the blog about being ghosted, here.)

                                                          *******

it is my understanding that “dating” is “eating dinner with someone who wants to fuck you until they actually get to fuck you and then you just get really invested in serialized television shows and have sex until the next ‘yanny/laurel’ debate inevitably tears you apart.”

it is also my understanding that once i meet someone i like, he’s my boyfriend so, historically, “dating” has been me interviewing someone to be a handyman i’ll pay in kisses.

but i am an ever-evolving, discombobulated little bug, so i recently gave *auditioning to be someone’s girlfriend* a chance.

please strap in and come along on this journey through what it is like for me to go on one single date as a person who cannot complete any task without overthinking it to the point of absolute ruin because her brain is a defective rube goldberg machine.

(if you don’t care, please scroll to the end to find the list of things i’d like for my birthday (and then do with that information what you will). if you care a lot, please also check out what it’s like inside my brain when i have to go to a party.)

A SUITABLE DATE

i have a v specific “type” from which i never stray. the main sine qua non are: over 6’3”, 200lbs+, 45+, appears to be afflicted with a football related brain injury, will disrespect me, not currently under the influence of essential oils.

further than this, what i’m also looking for in a man is someone with at least one divorce under his belt, an angry ex wife, 1-4 kids, and a complete inability to figure out what makes me happy (but someone who is in relentless pursuit of that formula).

six men meet these requirements.

THE PLAN FOR THE DATE 

i prefer to make plans with 2 - 5 hours notice because this effectively mitigates the chance of me cancelling, but this often isn’t feasible because other people have lives that don’t only involve sitting at home waiting to take me out on a date.

also, people who make plans like this are usually trying to hook up, and as we all know… i don’t even fuck!

so a date is scheduled in 2-3 days — any farther in advance i cannot plan without first consulting a psychic and my hormones’ advisory board. 

THE LEAD UP TO THE DATE

i can do nothing but spiral. i wonder if my date is on another date, if i can compete with this hypothetical other date, if i should cancel because i’m certain no one will ever love me as much as my ex, if i should cancel just to be problematic, or to exert cancelling power, or to perpetuate cancel culture?!

no, don’t cancel. we could fall in love and be really happy for a few years, and then i could get really into learning to cook or become a pilot or something. anyway, worst case scenario: he doesn’t like me, and i obsess about him for 400x the length of our courtship… but on the plus: i get to talk about him on the internet forever!

should i go blonde? should i wear a wig? i wonder if there will be hotdogs on the menu at the restaurant.

how can i unlearn every repellent personality quirk i’ve developed from birth in the next 48 hours? 

“how do you… kiss?” i wonder, right before i consider tranqing myself.

luckily, i am promptly choked to the point of syncope by these thoughts of uncertainty and self doubt. 

DAY OF DATE PREP

eventually, by the grace of God, i wake up on the morning of the date.

getting ready for anything i’ve ever done in my entire life, including a black tie wedding, has taken me 9 minutes, but i’m going to spend 2 hours sitting in a chair next to someone i’m not going to fuck, so i’ve chosen to block out a full 10 hours for no reason.

i fill the day applying every type of scrub and mask to my face, body, and hair. i try on every item of clothing i have accumulated over the past 5 years, including a $20,000 couture tom ford gown that a celebrity i forget once wore to a televised award show.

i’m now trying on sweatpants. i’ve put a heel on. “who is stopping me from wearing this?” i ask myself, knowing no one is stopping me from leaving my house and going on a date with a man i could easily get to fall in love with me in 2 hours if i don’t show up to dinner dressed like i just came from a fashionnova casting.

~ wow, time really does fly when you’re watching all your neuroses exit your body to perform a recital for you ~

moments before i have to cut this shit out and decide on something to wear, i lather my entire body in the richest lotion i can find, which notably takes 4-6 hours to sink in.

now it’s time to wiggle into the only outfit i ever leave my house after sunset wearing - a pair of black jeans that i’ll never fit into and a baby’s white tee shirt.

oh. we’re now not going to a restaurant. dinner is at his house.

i set myself on fire.

THE DATE

i am v rude for the first 45 minutes because i have no manners.

no. it’s because i’m nervous, and thus if i’m not cantankerous, filling the space with my shitty attitude, i will have nothing to say because my mind erased all logical ideation as soon as i stepped foot in this man’s home.

it becomes clear that this behavior will no longer be tolerated, so i pivot before i’m cancelled. i change the narrative. i’m nice now.

usually, when i find myself at a man’s house, the only thing i’m thinking is “please don’t have an acoustic guitar” and that thought repeats ad infinitum until i am free… but i know this man does not have an acoustic guitar (or i assume), so all i’m thinking is “does this man like the personality i’ve whipped up for him using a recipe i found in a cosmo from 2002??!”

he does to some degree - or he’s pretending - because he asks to see me again (yay!), and then shows me his house, and then my favorite part comes…

we kiss. 

we kiss and i’ve forgotten entirely how to kiss. literally no idea. never heard of it. i am a human shrug emoji.

“i don’t know how to do this.” - me, talking about kissing to the man i’m “kissing”.

he seems unbothered by this - more acting! - because we move locations, and he is doing his thing while i continue to be an oral cadaver.

that stops for a reason that seems natural and not because he realizes i am an embalmed corpse. and we talk, and that’s nice because my brains have returned for a brief guest appearance.

and then i leave, excited because i like him and it feels like he likes me. 

in the uber, he texts me the same thing he texted me before the last time i never heard from him again... and then i never hear from him again!*

and that, my friends, is a date!

*(i’m kidding. i heard from him one more time. he was cancelling plans we’d made to hang out!!) 

                                                       **

thanks for reading - or scrolling prodigiously - here are some things i’m interested in receiving for my birthday:

(if for some perverse reason you’d like to see my prior innocent but spectacularly misguided registries, please go here. it’s a doozy! however, please note i will only be accepting gifts from this year’s registry. so stay current!)

THE LIST

1. someone bullied me out of leasing a car i really wanted and so now i have no car which is unfortunate. would be nice if someone would throw half the cost of this vehicle at the mercedes store so i could pay a small amount every month to drive this until i’m bored of it in 9 months. it would also be nice if the inside were red because that’s a new kink i have - red leather seats.

2. i can’t tell if it’s basic to want this, but i also do not care at all. it’s perfectly sized to carry all of the 300 notebooks i scribble in. apparently it’s possible to have your name embroidered in lieu of the brand’s… that would be nice; my name is mercedes.

i also like this even though it looks like the only thing it can hold is a small stack of x-rays…

or this. (definitely indisputably basic. but again. i don’t care.)

this is cute

3. one of these dresses even though the only things i do are go on vacation or lie in bed. i’m a size 0 or 34 or whatever the smallest size is.

option one, option two, option three, option four (for the zero people considering purchasing a gift for me. this is my favorite, of course, because i am insane), option five 

4. a vacation - because (see above) i don’t like to be in los angeles for longer than 10 days at a time. here are some ideas:

a local vacation, a vacation in montana, a vacation in mexico. also in mexico. also in mexico.

5. either of these v big suitcases (vacation things!)

6. these shoes or these shoes. i’m a size 38.

7. gift card for an in home massage or one a week for the month of september? up to you!

8. any of these candles. they’re the only candles i’ll allow in my home now, so please don’t stray.

9. a book. i love to read, and i thought it would be nice to remind you i’m a thoughtful and educated thot.

have never read this. one of my favorites but have only read on my iPad... sad! first edition of the aforementioned

10. a necklace. a custom one (18 inch) or this long thing

misc:

an erewhon gift card, this perfume, or this perfume, a robe, a weekly delivery of macarons…

[conceitedxglory-blog]

Answer 21, Tag 21

Tagged by: @marigoldeneyes WOWOW I LOVE YOU BB THANK U

1. Nicknames: Poe, Poey, Poe-Go, Dweadski, Mon, Moni, and the list goes on. (Rule of thumb, if it starts with a “P” its my nickname). 

2. Zodiac Sign: Aries!

3. Height: 5′5″ Inches

4. Hogwarts 🏠: Ravenclaw! (one inch from Gryffindor tho)

5. Last Thing I googled: The spelling and general knowledge on halberdiers. I needed to know for a character I was working on. :3

6. Favourite Musicians: Oh lawd, okay. I love all kinds of music from Britney Spears to Ramstein, I also have a strong liking to classic rock; however, if I had to list some favorite bands and musicians I’d say: Disturbed, Kamelot, Nightwish, Breaking Benjamin, Journey, and I have a weak spot for ELO (Electric Light Orchestra). Also ABBA. Can’t forget ABBA. 

7. Song Stuck in My Head: “My Name Is Human” by Highly Suspect

8. Following Now: 30 (which might I add is insane??? I am barely active nowadays and am relatively a new blog??? Wowzers im love all of you). 

9. Followers: 31

10. Do I Get Asks?: Whenever I reblog a meme I am shocked with how many people actually send some in and sometimes I get cute lil’ anons. I still love the one with Beauty and the Beast lyrics. :3

11. Amount of 💤?: Fuck, about like....5 or 6 hours I think? Depression often makes it vary. 

12. Lucky Number: 10

13. What I’m Wearing: The majority of my clothes are black. I only ever wear a bit of red. BUT if you wanna know exactly what right now: tea pot themed pajamas. :)

14. Dream Job: Honestly............I just wanna make art. Maybe do comics or even just make money off traditional art would be nice, I love painting---especially with watercolor. 

15. Dream Trip: travel scares me

16. Favorite Food: I’m kinda struggling with food, but steak fajitas are the bomb dot com. 

17. Instruments: I used to play the violin really well until my orchestra teacher (freshmen year) verbally abused me and tried to force me out of the spring concert; unfortunately, I haven’t been able to pick it up since. I wanted to be a singer when I was younger, but I think I’m about as tone deaf as my muse and I was told my voice was really raspy and out of tune so....I kinda dropped playing music and singing all together, which isn’t right and I know I shouldn’t let those experiences get the best of me but...eh. Maybe one day when inspiration strikes, I’ll do it. 

18. Languages: English and very broken German.

19. Favorite Song: “The Light” by Disturbed

20. Random Fact: I have always related to Rapunzel as a little girl because I felt trapped. My mom didn’t let me or my brother celebrate Halloween until we were teenagers, I spent the majority of my early years without friends or anywhere outside the house without literally begging to be taken somewhere, and visits to other family members involved one kind of drama or another. I also didn’t cut my hair until I was twelve and the only reason I did was because it was just uh...a little too much to handle. It went past my butt and long strands of brown were literally everywhere. xD

21. Aesthetic: Tarot cards, skulls, red and black, cute lil’ kitties and bunnies, typewriters (always wanted one!), the smell of sage, crystals, fire, witchy things, demons but like...cute ones, contrast between life and death, etc. 

Tagging: @magicfordummies, @fadedintheflames, @humortremors, @rebclangcl, @brusquc, @nevivorona, AND surely theres more but....my brain is ehhhhhhhh not working right. Literally if you wanna do it then do it! Also apologies if anyone of you beans I tagged already did it, just kinda---toss this post into the void. Just yeet it. Sacrifice it to Cthulhu. It’s all good and no pressure at all. 

[bushybeardedbear]

So Season 7 of Voltron Legendary Defender... Oh Boy...

I had so much spoiled before watching it. Thanks email alerts. So after seeing so much spoiled already, I started lurking in Tumblr again. By the time I’d actually got round to watching the season I felt like I’d already watched most of it and was primed with all the various thoughts and opinions people were sharing online. In the days beforehand I was up and down like a yoyo on a rollercoaster. Hopeful one day, thinking it’s not even worth watching the next. Hovering my finger over “delete” on both this blog and my fics at points... Even contemplating that right now if I’m honest. Maybe I should have been Bushy Bearded Drama-Llama?

In any case, having finally sat down with rock bottom, possibly even sub zero expectations and watched, here are my thoughts now season seven is over... Well... In short, I think it suffers a lot from being so rushed. And before you say it, no, going in with low expectations wasn’t a self fulfilling prophecy. Psychologically speaking the opposite is true. If we go into something with low expectations, we tend to have a better opinion overall than we would have if we went in with sky high expectations. And whilst it may seem like I hated it so far...? Well, no. I didn’t hate it. There were some parts that didn’t gel with me, but to say I hated it would be an insult to everyone involved. But that doesn’t make it free from criticism. If you care what this bear’s about to growl about, strap in, it’s not a short one. Not kidding. This is long. But I guess I needed to get my feelings down and hopefully have someone patient enough to read it and see that I’m not completely insane. And, thought I shouldn’t have to say this... None of this comes from a place of hate. No, I don’t think regardless of how you feel about this season that hatred to the creators is ever acceptable. If you feel you must, then voice your grievances calmly, rationally, but the second you resort to hate you have already lost. Though what I would suggest is to just accept this season as it is and move on.  Moving on is partly why I’m compelled to write this post. Maybe if you are going to read this monster, bring some caramel to counteract the salt...

The Season Itself

So within the first episode, I’m already full of mixed emotions. Yes, the Plance moment was great. Yes, the dynamic between Hunk and Romelle was cool. Coran was great, supportive Crolia, the none too subtle dig at Prometheus as Lance and Pidge ran from the grass... (Don’t think we didn’t spot that you writer rascals! Run at an angle!) I remain in Sheith Limbo trying to reconcile they met when Keith was literally a child and relationships can grow and develop with a worried dash of will people misinterpret this as grooming if they got together...? But a lot of it was by the by. Honey I Shrunk The Paladins was a great fun start to the series interspersed with great emotional character building for Shiro and Keith. It fleshed them both out in ways I wish we’d seen sooner and as others have pointed out drastically reframes a lot of the protective over Shiro moments in the context of his degenerative disease. And yet, it doesn’t make Shiro a victim, nor Keith a white knight, it keeps them both flawed yet strong heroes. Tiny cute paladins, Lance’s cargo pilot reference. As always the design of the planets is gorgeous. Lance sharpshooting. The attention to detail with little things like in scale surface tension! I can’t overstate how much time, effort and thought has gone into this! The narrative parallels of the speeder bikes. Honestly, there is SO much to unpack in just one episode that could easily be overlooked as silly and/or filler. But it’s so much. Keith’s growth is such fun to watch, confirmation of certain fan theories is great yet so sad at the same time...

It allowed Romelle to actually have a character that wasn’t just “Lotor Plot Delivery Service” and her interactions with Hunk were pretty adorable. “Are all ancient Alteans like this?” Was a great subtle piece of world building as well. And yeah, pretty sure I saw @hailqiqi mention this already, but Hunk and Romelle are so the audience surrogates. The one and only thing that bugged me, given the fact that so much of Voltron has had to be rushed or cut for time... Did we really need the flashbacks in this episode shown twice back in the quantum abyss episode...? Couldn’t that time in the QA been used for something else...? But that’s a very minor gripe. Overall, I massively enjoyed this episode but I’m still nervous given the priming from the fandom going forward... But that last hug? Saving Shiro with his voice / quintessence maybe?

The Road home starts off well, though the idea that still nobody knows or comments on Katie’s name being such did disappoint me a little... The space road trip starting up was so cute, even if Lance’s logic of passengers is lost on me...aside from maybe cutting Pidge some slack. Let me Headcanon that little touch of unconscious favouritism, yeah? Though his taking charge in the battle here, being the right hand man, was really nice to see here. From the audience perspective, he may be stating the obvious, but in canon, that’s what we call battlefield awareness. Imagine season 1 Lance doing this? Nah. Buthe’s had no growth, so people say... “It’s super dangerous, it’s perfect!” Wonderful! And Keith’s leadership! Great stuff. (Almost) Everyone getting a chance to shine in the cave combat was also awesome. Full on frenetic energy, a little flourish of comedy from time to time, great characterisation, calm before the storm leading to a sudden yet satisfying cliffhanger? Full on Voltron to a T.

"I will help you look for that passage.” Is a cute Plance moment that others are overlooking I feel. Coran’s memoirs are something I would personally read the hell out of. I don’t know about the rest of you. But seeing the entire saga retold through Coran’s eyes...? I’d love to see it. I’m also kinda happy to know how “Acxa” is pronounced! The slow reveal of the time skip up until the reveal at the end is nice, though honestly not as mysterious as the show seemed to think it was. Maybe it was just that I got spoiled? Evil power couple were great as well and it was nice to see the ice pop mystery solved. A return of Altean shapeshifting was nice to see. “Sweet on that one with the flippity hair” and “your favourite paladin” “never wanted to kill him” “true love”? Seems a little out of left field. Unexpected? Maybe not, just rushed? Axca and Keith seemed a little sudden. To me felt like they just needed to pair a spare and keep Kieth and Allura apart. Which, I get into later. Keith being able to transport his bayard seems...fine...? Why are people complaining about this? Paladins summon their bayarads all the time. He just did it from a few extra feet...?  I do wish Coran had a chance to play to his strengths though. Aside from his courage. He has brains and feels like he needs to use them more or be written in scenarios where he can use them. The three year time skip, when revealed, seems like it was just a convenient way to avoid the immediate aftermath of Lotor losing the throne. It works in that regard I suppose. But by the end of this episode I wasn’t really sold on it.

Nice new haircut though Axca. Really sells the redeemed rebel former baddie archetype. And thank goodness for your exposition. Tell don’t show, am I right? One of the ways we can see the show was rushed I feel. Though again, maybe just being picky...

The Game Show Episode. I was expecting this later in the season honestly. It was good for comic relief I guess, so it served it’s purpose. Seeing the first family of the Galra along for some comedy was great if only for Neil Kaplan having such fun. But it felt like it was missing something. I can’t quite put my finger on what. It was nice to get insight into how the Paladins feel about each other but again, it felt like a way to get those ideas and characterisations out into the open without having to, y’know, show them in natural narrative progression. It’s probably the weakest of the comedy episodes so far and it felt a little like it was all just happening until it eventually stopped. It didn’t feel like the little hints of “tv flickering” implying something artificial were necessary. In fact, as soon as I saw the concept I thought “so, all powerful being captures them for reasons?” and that’s pretty much what we got. It was...ok. Just ok. And y’know what...? After seven seasons, maybe we do need to drop the “Lance is the dumb one” joke? I mean, yes, he’s not as smart as the rest of the team. No doubt. But if he’d been given a chance to shine on his own terms, with his own abilities, if they’d subverted the goofball archetype rather than doubling down on it I think this would have made for a more interesting episode. Just because it’s comedy doesn’t mean it doesn’t have to be compelling. The Voltron Show for instance literally dealt with Coran pushing himself so hard to help the Paladins that he was willing to resort to what was essentially a mind altering drug and forcing himself to kick the habit. Where was the actual plot in this episode? Funny moments need a framework and this kinda lacked a framework in my opinion.

Really episode 5? A Kobayashi Maru scenario...? Indeed, running a simulation when the lions are running on fumes...? Ok, you do you I guess... Little self referential humour from Coran was nice, but a little on the nose. And honestly, I think these episodes are starting to feel like, I dunno, filler material? Like, nothing is really being furthered in terms of the massive plots they still need to deal with. Did the journey back to Earth really need to take so many episodes, or could these have been more efficiently used to deal with countless plot threads that remain unresolved...? It’s a strange thing to be feeling at this stage, but maybe there’s more to come...?  And...it felt like another clip show filling out the backstory of the three years of Voltron being missing... Maybe it’s just me, but if you have written yourself into a scenario where the only way out is repeated massive exposition dumps... Maybe you need to rethink your story just a touch...? The fact it was also told from an unreliable narrator also means it wasn’t just exposition...it was literally pointless exposition that was likely mostly a combination of lies and half truths. And I’m sorry but, were people really clamouring for a rematch between Keith and “That One Nameless Druid...?” Really? You won’t hear me denying it was cool fight scene, yes indeed, but the set up wasn’t exactly great in my opinion.  As for how Keith managed to win? Ok, sure, I guess summoning the Bayard from a few feet was a build up to something else, something even more special that may or may not get resolved this season. I’m writing these as I go. Or will it be one more plot point that will need to be resolved in the next season with limited time and episodes to do so? Keith and Krolia’s goodbye was sad. I do hope for a reunion, but honestly don’t expect it. I imagine she’ll die off screen for shock value. Sadly, I already know the fate of Altean colony and why Haggar has forsaken her druids, so, no real hook for me there. 

So the halfish way point. Lost in space, desperately trying to force plance out of every interaction... And ultimately, just getting bored. I mean, yes, I get that they need to reconnect with each other... But there are countless ways it could have been resolved other than this. It didn’t really feel like there was need for this particular journey into the darkest cave. It also feels a little forced that after saving countless realities by working together, they now all get forced apart...? Hunk saving the day, saving the team, great. Really wonderful stuff. He’s been overlooked for so long. But the idea that they needed to become friends again...? To reconnect...again...? I don’t know that it felt necessary. If after all these years, literal years together there isn’t already a profound connection...? I just can’t really buy that. And again, it felt like a filler episode. And Hunk Priming the audience for the concept of passing the torch? Yeah, that didn’t go unseen.  Maybe it’s just me, but after six episodes where it was already established that they can travel at crazy speeds to be told “yeah no, it’s not that the lions were drained, it’s just these people who’ve literally saved the universe together aren’t quite best friends enough...”? That just feels silly.  And yes, I know “silly” is relative when we’re talking about a powerful group of robot magical cat things that are powered by love and freindship. BUT what I feel was silly was the idea that their friendship was strained at all. It felt as though the season wanted there to be this divide between them but...the comedy episode just a little while ago established they’re all willing to sacrifice themselves for each other.... 

That’s just....fundamentally contradictory. Are you guys barely even connected as friends or are you willing to die for each other? You can’t be both... It makes the whole “struggle” of getting back to Earth feel false because it’s predicated on the assumption that they’re a fractured team this episode yet there’s been literally no sign of that until now... Still, as always, the visuals were cool. The Space Angler Fish is a great concept. The music was great. The voice acting was on point. Everything was so SO good except...the writing... The writing in this particular episode in the context of everything preceding it just felt... Bad. Rushed. Forced. Contradictory. Drama for the sake of drama. Artificial... What’s going on guys...?

So a multiparter? Let’s see. Ok. Seeing how awesome Sam Holt is, fine. Seeing him reunite with Colleen. Also fine and dandy and cool. And it tugged at the heart strings... But do we really need him to literally tell us everything we already know in a power point presentation...? The audience doesn’t need to be caught up on the events.We don’t need a massive chunk of the episode’s run time devoted to playing catch up. We have the time for this, but apparently - according to the spoilers - we don’t have time to establish that Allura is getting over Lotor and Falling for Lance...? Not even a throw away line, or a glance, or a suggestion of that fact that needs establishing after her season six reaction to the mice... But we do have time for the events of the show to be repeated to us...? What!? I am literally bewildered at this choice. Flabbergasted. Gobsmacked.

The worst thing about this so far, is that under all the EXPOSITION there’s a great story that wants too be told. I think we’re only seeing fragments of that story. Sam and Coleen struggling to find their children again and fighting against political nonsense. But real talk... This was all stuff that could have done just fine implied. The Paladins arrive on Earth, they see the new ships piloted by their inevitable replacements in the new series they seem to want to make, Lance asks, “What are those?” Sam responds, “A fusion of Galra, Altean and Olkari tech. The culmination of months of Earth’s greatest minds working together. It was a struggle, but we got them made in the end...” BOOM. Done. Efficient use of what is obviously painfully limited time. Did we NEED the power point, the montages, the backdoor pilot for the new team...? Did we - good as they were - even need the Holt Family suffering...? Couldn’t Coleen’s transmission to everyone on Earth have been enough to get the point across that they’re awesome...? In my opinion, we didn’t need this. Not like this at least. It could have been done so much more efficiently, so much less padding. But we did get to see snippets of the messages back home. That was nice. But it doesn’t change the fact that the majority of the first episode felt really... Unnecessary. But that’s just how I feel after part one... So, the first half of the second episode? Superb. Can’t fault it, good heroic stuff, Sam stepping up. A realistic invasion of Earth, ie, we lose that’s rare to see in most media. Can’t fault it. Then the second half kicks in. The four archetypes we’ve been barely introduced to, go on a mission that narratively speaking is utterly unnecessary. I know that the Atlas gets built thanks to spoilers. But even if I didn’t, what function does this part serve? We may not be able to build a thing. Later on, that thing will be built. Do we need to into the minutiae of how the supplies were gathered...? Well, I suppose we do. But not because of how it serves the overall plot of Voltron Legendary Defender, but how it sells these new kids to us for the new series they obviously assume they’re making. But if it wasn’t for that? 

Then it defaults to more exposition... More information that could have been relayed to the audience in much more engaging ways.

This could have been, rather than a messy and kinda redundant two part episode with occasional brilliance, it could have been trimmed down to a truly brilliant single part. I’m not invested in these new characters. Let me get there or not when I see them in their own show. And if they’re literally just there as homage to the sequel series from the 80′s...then they don’t need this much focus. The actual paladins and their interpersonal dynamics do. Rift creatures do. Lotor’s fate does. Why are we wasting the limited time that remains on this unless it’s a back door pilot? Why should the current series suffer just to promote the next one...? It’s just exhausting and disappointing. By the end I was agreeing with Keith. What are we waiting for...? The continuation of the series we came here for. What kept us waiting was either an advert for the next series or a massive misstep in pacing.

And now, finally back to the real story and after two episodes establishing that Earth is screwed over, Earth can barely contact other parts of itself, Earth is on the brink of collapse, Earth is holding on by a thread... In the first scene we have Earth, somehow, triangulating a jamming signal into the outer edges of the solar system and remaining undetected as they do so...? Even assuming they are “just” sending commands to satellites and installations elsewhere in the solar system, The Galra would detect that command signal. And given how much we’ve had it stated, overstated, hammered home that Earth is in such bad shape...that feels like a real ass pull. 

I am being nitpicky, yes, but this is the second time this has happened on such a large and frankly contradictory scale. So I’m calling it out again. First The Paladins are willing to die for each other, or at least be trapped for eternity, then they are barely friends. Then, Earth can barely contact it’s own countries, but sending an undetectable command signal to at least three satellites in the solar system is fine...? Why not just have Voltron get the signal sooner!? Why not have Pidge send a jamming signal...?

And in terms of introductions to the new team? What we got after the drone attack? Perfect. It didn’t need to be an entire episode of establishing them because it isn’t their story. But the Paladins meeting their families? The reconciliation with Iverson? Shiro grieving for Adam. Where was all this before now? Why hasn’t our focus been where it belongs. On the Paladins? Now, I don’t really want to get into the whole debate about unfair representation of LGBT characters. I can see both sides of the argument as being valid. Shiro remains a strong canonically gay character even if the man he once loved is gone. Adam, though dead, is not immune to tragedy just for being gay. What we did see though was a man openly crying for his lost love. There’s plenty to be critical of the series for. But personally, I don’t feel the treatment of Adam and Shiro is “queerbaiting” so much as it is a couple unfairly separated by the horrors of war. A canonically and unambiguously gay couple. That’s representation. Just it may not be precisely what everyone wanted. But don’t let me stop you writing out impassioned critiques, don’t let me stop you airing and venting your grievances. I’m doing that right now, aren’t I? Just please please please don’t send any more hatred at the creators...

Now, this whole section of the Altean enhanced tech...? Why is this being reiterated again? This could stand on it’s own as an introduction to the concept of Earth meets Alien tech. Why are we being shown the same things twice, first in the two parter in depth and again now...? Why do this when there is so much else that needs addressing in ever dwindling episodes...? Though aside from that, Hunk and Keith connecting is great. Hunk finally having a dedicated arc to save his family also great. Hunk being the outsider to the Garrison Trio dynamic and spending time with Keith again? Also great, wonderful even. So where was all this previously...? But even this, even this has to be if not overshadowed then frankly hijacked by the new characters they want to sell to us. It’s getting tiresome. I don’t want Hunk’s moments overshadowed, his spotlight taken... But damn, if he doesn’t still stand proud regardless. This is the Voltron I’ve been missing for most of the season.

I was going to post the image of him crying, but couldn’t do it... So here, Happier Hunk.

Don’t know how I feel about Hover Hand. I get they’re setting it up for the final conflict with Sendak, so that Shiro will be his literal and visual antithesis...but...hover hand looks kinda goofy. And being the counterpoint to your nemesis doesn’t need to be so literal all the time. And again, the new characters forcing their way into the story with a half baked excuse to sell you them. I think from now on I’m just going to comment when Team Replacements don’t force themselves in...Even the fact one of them was Veronica felt a little frustrating, because Lance’s family dynamic with her is overshadowed in my opinion by her being part of the new forced team of replacements. Allura giving up her crystal tiara for Shiro was a nice moment. 

Okay, now imagine the whole infiltration section without Team Replacements. Just the Paladins, doing their thing. Let’s assume their resident tech genius has a way to stop the sentry drones sending out distress calls. 

What did they contribute other than a few quips? Are we really expected to believe our paladins, the protagonists of the story need these people...? No. It was just written that way to force the new guys in. What we need to wonder is why and the answer is most likely... Back Door Pilot. Over multiple episodes. That undermined the series I was already watching. And finally, despite it being the supposed new canon ship in town, we see our first indication that Lance and Allura might be interested. Or do we? No, we just see Lance checking her out and being teased. Then immediately afterwards we see Pidge implementing Lance style silliness and even a Lance style distraction with her own spin on it. But no, let’s focus on the blushing and the eyeballing. I’m not salty. I’m dead sea levels of salty. But I’ll put that aside for now... And roll my eyes at the Wilhelm scream... Ok, so I was all ready to be excited about the plan, but then the super forced Allurance twin blush happened. Was it...was it really supposed to hit home when there was no build up to it this season...? Or was checking her out through the sniper sights enough to replace any hint of them coming closer or Allura setting aside Lotor...? Sure, she’s bound to do it in time, but all I’d want is something to suggest as much on screen. Just a throw away line or two... Is that so much? Cut a scene or two with the Replacements and give us more Paladins.

As the paladins all fly to their thematically and elementally appropriate battlegrounds, I want to agree with some posts I’ve seen arguing that Pidge doesn’t just look concerned, or in the zone as the other paladins do. For at least one shot she looks sad. Troubled. Maybe I’m reaching. Probably reaching. Almost certainly reaching given the almost immediate Allura calling to Lance moment... The sequence of connecting with the lions though? And Lance protecting Veronica? Pretty much resigned to die before being saved by red...? Yeah, heavy and cool stuff.

But Admiral Asshole somehow getting in touch with Sendak? Betraying the entire planet? No. Just no. She can be a thorn in their side and an antagonist without being so utterly stupid. At this point she’s gone from concerned alternative view but essentially a good person trying to save the planet in her own way, to being pantomime levels of stupid. What a daft choice. What a needless choice. You know what would have worked better...? Sendak baiting the Paladins. It would play into his military genius archetype. He didn’t need intel from Admiral Asshole if the entire purpose of the planet killers was just bait for the paladins... We didn’t need admiral asshole to make a faustian pact with the people responsible for planetary genocide. Some of the choices this season just bewilder me. 

Well, at least no combining sequence before the Big Zapper Cannons hit. That’s something. I guess they can occasionally cut unnecessary scenes for time. 

The Paladins are asleep and it’s time for the replacement team to take centre stage again. Even with their own repeated launch sequence animation. Guess they can waste time after all. Admiral Asshole...

...yeah. Who would have thought that the mass murdering alien wasn’t to be trusted...? Except anyone written with an ounce of sense. I won’t deny, I completely and utterly lost interest during the Team Replacements moments. If you like them? Great. They were kinda written to be made valid off the back of the existing series so, I guess it worked for some, just not for me. I might even have been more keen on them myself ha they been secondary characters. But this season, they have so far felt like the focus. Yet also, they felt so undeveloped that they were like filler. They took up far too much focus that should have been on the Paladins. The characters I’ve been watching for six previous seasons. The characters I’m invested in. Even the launch of the Atlas - is it supposed to be a reference to The Gotengo in ship mode? - being powered by the Castle Crystal felt like a passing of the torch moment. There’s still a season left guys, can we wait until after this series ends maybe...?

Can we do The Paladins justice in their own series and make them the focus in their own series? Can we do the replacement team justice by making them the focus of their own series...? No? We’re going to try to do both at once and ultimately make both the worse off for it? Great, ok. Seems like a plan... SIGH

Soul-riding the lions? Now that’s a cool extension of the lore. That’s a cool new addition. That’s building more upon and actually watching Voltron again. Have I mentioned that it sometimes feels like I’m not watching Voltron any longer this season? Because, yeah, that. But during the parts where I was watching Voltron, it was great. Shame I couldn’t care more about Admiral Asshole’s sacrifice. They went beyond the pale with her outright betraying Earth. Noble sacrifice for an act of stupidity was just...meh. Didn’t feel like she’d be any additional motivation for the Paladins that earth already was. 

But damn does Shiro look good as the captain of a starship. Kudos where it’s due. The artists did a damn good job.

So, the final episodes... Great set up for a final confrontation. Yet within the first half of the first episode. Oh no. Voltron has been pinned. Oh no. The Atlas can’t do stuff. What will we do? Oh gosh I hope the new team of plucky do-gooders can save the day. Whatever would we do without them? I hope we can buy their toys soon. Stop it. Why won’t they just stop it...? Stop making them such a major focus. This isn’t their show...or yeah, maybe it is now. Maybe the Paladins are the side characters now? Sometimes it feels that way. They spent a lot of time out of commission, damaged, pinned or otherwise unable to act except in montages.

“Lance, I’m coming to help!” Yes, because Allura is just there to support and look shyly away from lion glances. Sigh. Can we have Allura who didn’t need to be defined by a love interest back please?

Then again, Shiro had some time to shine which was really appreciated. The Sendak/Shiro fight was...ok? I mean, it had a lot to live up to after the Kuron / Keith fight. And it just fell short in my opinion. And much as Keith saving Shiro is kinda the default... Given how they were building Shiro up to be the anti-Sendak, it felt like the final blow was robbed from Shiro just a little.

Then of course, we get The New Robeast. More powerful than anything they’ve dealt with before and utterly unannounced. Ok. Well at least they didn’t just go to sleep for a bit and let the new guys do everything. But they still found a way to force them in even now. Wouldn’t have shocked me at this point though if the new group had just beaten the robeast. The twin swords are cool, but sadly a Plance moment it wasn’t. Maybe it would have been in old Voltron. Formed by a stronger bond between the two. But not so much now. Just a thing that happens. Like Pidge’s new gun thing. Thing that happens. No build to it really, just happens. No lesson, no moment of clarity, no greater connection, just, happens. How does the Atlas have back up generators that can make it functional when it’s already been established the only thing that can power it is the castle crystal? It was a pretty big plot point. Until it was just forgotten about. The Atlas mech formed by Altean magic was pretty cool. Shiro has a lot of moments with Allura leading to it as well. More than she had with Lance even. I’ll come back to that. Fake out Pala-deaths was cheap. And if they only reason they put the focus on the new guys was for that fake out...? Screw that. What a waste.

Seeing Hunk and Shay reunited was nice but too brief. Nice to be wrong about Krolia, but I’m not expecting she’ll last the next season. Shock factor you see. Watching Earth change and develop in flash forwards and montage now makes me wonder why that couldn’t have happened earlier. And my answer is, probably to sell the new team. And that sucks. I’m not really looking forward to another season of the Paladins taking the back seat. I do kind of expect it though. In fact, I expect it will only get worse.

And of course, now in a mere 13 episodes we have to wrap up Lotor, Haggar, the rift creatures, any and all ships, don’t forget set up the new team, because I think there were a few subtle hints there’s a new team they want us to care about. How about that new team guys? New team! And do all that without it feeling like a giant rushed mess. Heh. Won’t hold my breath.

Overall? Season Seven as others have said for many reasons, is Voltron Legendary Disappointment. Now to be fair, the art, the music, the animation, the voice acting - even given some guff lines, kudos to Josh Keaton for making “Their very home” not sound stupid... All of that was great. All of those staff members involved? A plus, amazing. But the writing...? Oh my good gravy the writing is all over the damn place. Yes, I just write silly fanfics and they’re professionals so what do I know? Their paycheck invalidates my opinion, right? But to be frank some of the mistakes and I do mean mistakes are elementary continuity gaffs. Redundancy. Repetition. Over reliance on exposition. I mean, if this is considered professional then standards have dropped...  That’s not to say there weren’t moments of great writing. Moments where it felt like I was actually watching Voltron again rather than an advert for the new guys. But for the most part...? It was odd choice after odd choice. Daft move after daft move. Mess after mess. Forced and contrived plot point after forced and contrived plot point and if I was judging the series solely on the writing... I’d ask why nobody proofread the first draft.

But to literally everyone else involved in the show from the voice actors to the background artists to the intern fetching coffee...? You all did an amazing job with the mess you were given.

The Obligatory Over Long Shipping Bit

It’s not all about the ships, but... To some extent, it kinda is a little. Maybe even a very BIG little... At it’s most basic, a story, any narrative, has three parts.

The Beginning: The Status Quo, the ordinary world.

The Middle: A Challenge To The Status Quo, conflict, introduction of the special world.

The End: A New Status Quo, conflict resolved, special and ordinary world merge or become aligned to create a new standard.

And ships? Well, they’re an aspect of both the conflict in the middle and the New Status Quo at the end. Ships matter. The connection we feel to two or more characters and the connections they gain with each other? They matter. They are the story. So when I bang on about ships beneath, keep that in mind. Keep in mind that watching characters grow and grow closer is an integral part of narrative, romantic, platonic, whatever. Watching dynamics develop and shift between characters matters. That includes ships. And, I’m not calling the show bad because ships. The show itself is flawed, but overall still good. still very good in fact. All I want to do here is share my disappointment and frankly my confusion at the way that all the ships seem to be playing out right now.

But to start... Allurance. 

Let me say, emphatically state, that if you enjoy this ship I have no beef with you. I am not against you enjoying it. I am not trying to tell you you’re wrong. If you and I having different opinions on this is enough for you to unfollow me, then fair enough, goodbye and have fun elsewhere, no hard feelings. However, my opinion remains as it has done from the start. Whilst this could have been a solid canonical ship if things had been written differently, as it stands... I can’t support it and feel it’s the worst outcome for these two characters.

Now, I’ve seen the argument that “maybe it all happens off screen” and that I addressed in a post here. The long and the short of it, I want to see characters develop on screen rather than off screen. That is literally what I watch for. The On Screen Developments. Not off screen assumptions. On screen this season, Allura had more bonding moments with Shiro than with her supposed new love interest. Does that make sense to you? Because it doesn’t to me. Then there’s the argument that Lance’s feelings have grown and matured and changed. But honestly, on some level, if Allurance becomes canon, it feels like they haven’t. Let’s go through it on a very basic level.

Allura and Lance meet, he hits on her. - Lance wants to be with her. They work together. He continues to hit on her. - Lance wants to be with her. They keep working together. He hits on her and is jealous and possessive of anyone who even comes near her.  - Lance wants to be with her. Lance tones it down a little. Starts to be supportive. You’re the heart of Voltron etc. - Lance wants to be with her. Enter Lotor. Lance remains jealous and possessive, but plays it off to Allura as a joke. “You need a third wheel?” But to everyone else, including the mice, he makes it very very clear this makes him unhappy. - Lance wants to be with her. He makes that speech to the mice about wanting to be a better person, how he’s unworthy etc. etc. etc. - Lance wants to be with her. Allura finds out about this, seems less than pleased. - Lance wants to be with her. Allura breaks up with Lotor after finding out the man who changed her life is a genocidal space vampire. - Lance wants to be with her. Lance does the supportive hug scene. - Lance wants to be with her. Some stuff off screen presumably and Allura is suddenly over it. - Lance wants to be with her. Dual blushing scene, soft gazes lion scene etc. - Lance wants to be with her and suddenly Allura wants the same thing.

Now, to me at least, I never felt like Lance’s feelings for Allura changed. What changed were his tactics in pursuing that desire. The ultimate ulterior motive of wanting to be with her at no point altered. To me, that severely undermines his and Allura’s growth together. It re-frames the supportive friend hug in season six into the only possible on screen moment that she fell for him and to me that makes Allura seem weak willed, flighty and frankly weak as a character to be rushed into needing a new man so soon after Lotor. It makes Allura into the opposite of what she has been all along. It reframes Lance as being a creep who’s not being entirely honest and is just hanging on to get some Altean Action. It’s unwittingly supportive of the concept in toxic masculinity of No Doesn’t Mean No and I think that’s a dangerous message to be sending these days. We should know better. No means No, it does not and should not mean pursue them like an object you want to possess. In reality, that attitude being normalised can lead to obvious and dangerous extremes. In a story, the pursued partner loses their dramatic agency and is reduced to a prize or else wants to be possessed and is thus framed as less capable. I think the idea of Lance and Allura shifting their dynamic to “genuine romance” between  seasons and off screen is cheap. Overall, I feel it devalues both of them rather than enriching them as a ship and an end to two character arcs should. Maybe, like resurrecting Shiro / Kuron early being down to executive meddling, the same is true here? Maybe the plan was for Lance to break the mould of the stereotypical nice guy waiting in the wings? Maybe Lotor being bad was also executive meddling? Or maybe that’s just the scapegoat for the roads we missed out on? The potential lost...

Now, the weird thing is, I’ve seen the argument made that you wouldn’t say that about allurance if allura was a guy. Well...yeah I would. Because if nothing changed except Allura’s sex and/or gender but the events were otherwise identical then it would have exactly the same narrative issues. It would still be undermining both character’s growth and arcs. Chasing someone who isn’t interested is still toxic behaviour regardless of who does it to whom. But if you want to assume that I’m just saying this “because Allura’s a woman” then I guess I can’t stop you, but I hope you take my honest statement that it’s not the case as far as I’m concerned.  On the other side of this argument of well if x was y you wouldn’t z, well, that’s just you creating and answering a hypothetical question. Let’s say someone shipped, I dunno Keith and Cosmo. And the defence was “well you wouldn’t call it bestiality if cosmo was human.” And yeah, I suppose if something was changed so drastically there wouldn’t be a problem. But Cosmo is a wolf in Canon. And Allura is a woman in Canon. Maybe nobody would be saying Allurance has problematic elements if Allura was male or maybe the would. I feel that I certainly would see the issue regardless. But that argument is purely hypothetical and anyone who makes it has no way of proving it or supporting it.

There is however another issue in Canon that nobody seems willing to address. Alteans live for centuries. Centuries versus decades of lifespan. That kind of relationship will have the functionally immortal one watching the person they love ROT before their eyes. It will have them mourning their true love for CENTURIES or else callously moving on. It will, if they have or adopt kids, leave the functionally immortal one, watching their own descendants die. The functionally immortal partner will see their love reflected in their descendants eyes and faces. Forced to relive their loss generation after generation. I don’t want to contemplate that end for characters I care about. But that’s what would happen between Lance and Allura. I don’t want to think of Allura watching generations of hers and Lance’s kids and great grand kids dying like flies and thinking of her reliving that loss every hundred years or so as their next batch of descendants die in front of her. Maybe you see it as romantic? I see it as horrifying. And if the issue of Human vs. Altean ages is never dealt with on screen, I’ll assume the creators either didn’t think about it or assumed the audience wouldn’t care. Well I’m sorry, but you made characters that we love, they are part of a lore that we paid attention to. We do care and it does matter.

What I will admit is that maybe, just maybe the way I’m interpreting things isn’t what the creators intended. As much as I am a proponent of Death of the Author, I won’t disregard authorial intent. To those of you who don’t know, Death of the Author essentially states that; all media is a collaborative experience between audience and creators. That no one interpretation of a text is more valid than another. That interpretations can shift and change based on the time and context through which the text is viewed. That interpretations the author never intended are valid. Now, a lot of people seem to have this idea that “Death of The Author” means audience interpretation matters more than that of the author and completely overlook the idea of shared meaning and no one true interpretation. I’m coming at this from the point of view not that the audience owns the text but that we all, audience and author, equally share it and it’s infinite valid interpretations.

So that said, the authorial intent may well be that Lance and Allura’s relationship isn’t and was never meant to be a creepy guy being persistent. That it wasn’t meant to suggest that despite being rebuffed, he should carry on chasing. Maybe it wasn’t meant to seem like he was dishonest, swooping in after a break up to pick up the pieces. Maybe we’re supposed to ignore the ulterior motive to get into her pants that never changed from season one episode one? It may well be their intent was to show a relationship developing healthily and organically but they were rushed and it ended up feeling incomplete? But, that less positive interpretation is just not how it comes across to me and many others. Intent or not, we can only interpret what we see. We don’t hate the idea of these two characters being happy, we just feel like the way it’s portrayed so far doesn’t seem strong enough or doesn’t make it explicit enough that there has been sufficient growth and change on screen to really make us buy it. You may disagree. That’s perfectly valid. The authors may disagree. That’s perfectly valid. I disagree with those opinions and that too is perfectly valid. I don’t hate any of you for feeling the way you do or for reading the text the way you do. Everyone interprets media differently. Please do me the same courtesy and don’t hate me for my interpretation. We can both make valid points yet still disagree. There is not one true and absolute interpretation.

I suppose that leads me here. At this point, given the way that almost every ship possible has been hinted, teased, alluded to or given time onscreen... I wouldn’t be shocked if there aren’t any canonical ships by the end. Just hints. Forever hints. Because if nothing else, the Allurance shippers don’t deserve to be baited and switched. Even if I disagree with the way it’s been portrayed, even if I feel it was rushed and needed time on screen to develop, those shippers deserve a decent payoff if the show is going to tease it so damn hard and so damn obviously. The Sheith shippers have had plenty of hints as well. Kallura looks on the cards half the time. Hunay, Hunelle, Hidge/Punk all got hints at the possibility this season. Keith and Acxa, I was thinking they’d pull that as soon as Keith found her in the weblum. Plance, I may or may not have strong feelings about. Who can say? 

But given that the series so far has given so many contradictory hints, even assuming the caveat of multiple interpretations, how could anyone be happy by the end? I mean, if Plance happens and I still believe it makes the most sense for Lance and Pidge’s journeys and character arcs... Well what about the Allura / Lance dual blush moment...? The Allurance fans will ask that and rightly so. Why even include that if it isn’t going to go anywhere...? Chekov’s Gun. I can’t even deny myself that if the plan really was for Lance to move on, this would have been the season to explore that to make it feel organic. If Lance ends up moving on in the next season, then that will suddenly feel forced as well. The amount of ship baiting going on is a little frustrating. I can’t see how it could end in a satisfying way for every baited ship. So, maybe they’re just going to have nobody end up with anybody canonically? At this stage, part of me would rather have that than have my OTP confirmed in canon. Because if what has happened so far is anything to go by... I’m just going to be disappointed at it feeling rushed and artificial. Unearned and pulled out of left field at the last second. With all the build up to Allurance, whether I think it hit the mark or not, it feel like it would be cheap and rushed to have him suddenly move on in the next and last season. Plance might end up feeling not organically developed, just, info dumped into existence for time constraints. I’ve been seeing hints between Lance and Pidge since episode one. Waiting for them to change their dynamic for all that time and seeing hint after subtle hint, seeing how perfectly their two stories align. They literally and narratively complete one another. And yet, if it comes down to it that one line or one half baked scene or even one future still image in a montage at the end of the series, is the confirmation of them hooking up...? Then even I won’t feel like my ship was worth coming true in canon. I’d rather have it never come true than have it come true as badly, as forced, as potentially interpreted as toxic, as contrary to the narrative and as ultimately unsatisfying as Allurance seems to be right now. I have no issue with Allurance being the end game. I would just have wanted to see it done justice and right now... It just isn’t. Don’t agree? Ok, well...

Compare and contrast... One person in this series, Allura creates - using Alchemy - a means to be whole again. A weapon capable of overcoming a nemesis in visual dramatic parallel. Having learned Alchemy through tainted means from her Evil Ex, she’s now able to put it to physical tangible use for a new person. Not only that but she sacrifices her crown, her symbol of office, one of her last remnants of her dead home world in order to make that creation whole. She has shown this person nothing but respect and kindness otherwise.  Another person she barely interacted with aside from telling him to shut up then in the space of one episode they’re all blushy because reasons.

I’m being a little facetious, but let’s be honest.... What this shows is that Allura literally has a more meaningful and narratively significant set of interactions with SHIRO than she does with Lance this Season.  Shiro’s arm represents her turning the bad experience with Lotor to good. Her giving up her symbol of Altean Royalty shows she’s willing to sacrifice anything for him. And through that bond, she grants him the power to turn the Atlas into a giant robot. Where she created the Sincline out of a dishonest partnership, the Altas-Mecha is formed by honest...well, it looks like LOVE to me. Now I’m not saying I ship them. But if you showed me this season out of context with any of the rest of Voltron, I would be shipping Shiro with Allura even though he’s Gay. Because frankly, in the story told on screen this season that actually makes way more sense than shipping her with Lance. Even out of context, even assuming no Lotor, no previous issues, Lance and Allura being hinted just seems...out of nowhere this season.

Maybe I should just wait for the sequel series where everyone ends up with total randoms off screen that nobody is happy with? Maybe the ships that make the most sense and have been hinted at the most will be forgotten or end up with off screen unhappy marriages as some vague and irksome attempt at being “mature”. Yes, I’m still salty about Toph/Sokka as well as Kataang, what of it? Sometimes you just want the characters you have grown to love and adore to have a happy ending together. Is that too much to ask...?

So, season 8 predictions...?

After a heartwarming episode that teases Coranecker, Lotor will finally get his redemption arc. And by arc I mean, episode. There will be an entire episode devoted to info dumping how he wasn’t really a space vampire the whole time and Romelle got the wrong end of the stick. This episode will tease Lotura again as well as hinting at Hungar, Huntor, Hunlia and Huray, the Polyship of Hunk Coran and Shay. Haggar, having now established herself as the dark queen of the Quantum Abyss will send wave after wave of Altean-Robeasts at Voltron, before the series finally ends in, you guessed it, another big battle with another new big robot. There will be a “we won” montage, Sendak will somehow be resurrected or a void creature will emerge from Daibazol to set up the Big Bad for the sequel series. Maybe both. Nobody will end up with anyone and the next series and/or movie will be hinted at. We might end up with a cliffhanger to tease the sequel series. And we’ll all go away a little disappointed and a little happy all at once. Oh and Black Paladin Kaltenecker of course.

Salty semi-joking aside, at this point given how rushed the series has obviously become, I really would not be shocked if Lotor DID get a redemption plot that was dealt with in a single episode. Or a single sentence. Just like the way he was turned into a Genocidal Space Vampire in a single episode, I’m sure they can turn him into the Space Pope in a single episode. Maybe blame it all on a rift creature? Or maybe save that plot thread for the next series, given that in 13 episodes there’s no way they can cover everything they want to AND cover it as well as they want to. Or just never mention them again. It’s not like they were set up to be majorly important or anything. 

Also, if the whole of Voltron Legendary Defender is now going to be a backdoor pilot for Voltron The Garrison Guys or whatever, that seems disappointing more than exciting. Voltron Legendary Defender should be it’s own show first and a sequel should organically follow based on success or failure. If there was always a plan to have more seasons as a sequel series then...

USE THOSE EXTRA SEASONS TO GIVE THIS STORY THE ROOM IT NEEDED!!!

Make VLD the best it can be before assuming we need a sequel series at all. We wouldn’t have half the problems we have now of story lines feeling rushed if, get this the story lines had more episodes to not be rushed! We could have had more Past-Paladins. Keith’s backstory could have been explored as a full episode or two not spoon fed to us by time flashbacks. Allurance could feel less forced and artificial. Lotor’s betrayal could have been given more than a single episode info-dump. We could have actually explored Allura’s feelings and hr process of getting over one of the most important relationships in her life turning to shit. Give this story the time and space it needs to breathe and grow. Let THIS story be told in a well paced way rather than being forced to rush to hit the deadlines for the sequel series. If VLD ends up being less well received owing to bad or rushed writing, we may just end up with zero interest in the sequel series anyway. It’s self defeating!

Don’t have entire episodes devoted to characters who show up, info dump and then are mute for the rest of the season. Don’t have entire plot threads be rushed and resolved in time less than they deserve! And if you can’t do that...

THEN TRIM THE FAT!!!

We can probably all point to a bit that felt “rushed” or “forced” or “out of left field” and that all comes down to a single fact. So far, there has been far too much story to tell in far too few episodes. So certain plot threads end up suffering as a result. Not being fully realised. Not being given anything more than flashbacks and montages rather than full episodes examining in greater emotional depth and deeper narrative exploration.

I would rather see a simple story well told than a complex story rushed for time. What we seem to get in seasons 6+ of Voltron are attempts to tell the entire story they wanted but being forced to cut it short for time. Sadly, what would have been better than telling the full story badly would be telling as much of it as you can save well and discarding the rest. Maybe that’s already happened? Wouldn’t shock me.

Lotor deserved better. Allurance if it becomes canon, deserved to have been built upon to make it seem more deserved, less creepy nice guy. Allura deserved to have on screen time to adapt, grieve and move on from Lotor. Matt could have had time to develop his relationship on screen. Plance if it becomes canon deserves time to shine, because for many fans out there if it does becomes canon in season 8 then for them it will seem rushed, sudden, forced. Or worse, Pidge will always seem like Lance’s backup girl... As Said before, even me as a hardcore Plance Shipper feels like it can’t possibly be given the time it deserves to feel earned when we have just one season left to tie it all together....  So again, maybe all they can do at this stage is shrug and only ever give hints as to whom ends up with whom in this massive cast...? And then just spew out the sequel series. Because we gotta sell those new toys.

I cared and invested in the VLD characters. I wanted their story to be their story and not just a vehicle to sell the next series that, to be honest, I’m probably not going to be remotely interested in.

The Salt Floweth To An End

There is SO much potential in VLD that was squandered by things being rushed, compacted, cut and yet also being massively bloated despite this. Then there’s the obvious executive meddling that can’t have helped for a second... It just ends up making everything messy and unfocused. This season was a mess. Entertaining, yes, compelling, yes and damn good overall but with so many moments that just hit shy of the mark the creators obviously were aiming for. Almost all of it down to the writing. Because the animators, musicians, actors and all the other cast and crew did an amazing job. But the writing was...just a totally confused mess.

Overall, it ends up being Great rather than Exceptional which breaks my heart. Because the first 5 seasons? Exceptional. Every aspect. Especially the writing. But from Six onward? Everything seems to just crack and fray around the edges, the polish wears thin and the whole thing feels just slightly less like everyone involved gave 100%. Maybe a solid 90%, and some still went above and beyond... But things, in my opinion, shifted. Sometimes in service of “surprises” and sometimes just because they needed to rush. Whatever the case, it feels like somewhere along the line the writers stopped caring as much. If at all. Will I watch season 8? Sure. But I’ll always know it could have been so much more if they’d been given more time and more room to let the story flourish. At this point I doubt it’s possible given the already obvious lack of focus in the writing, that we’ll see every plot thread tied up to satisfaction. I’m not even going to kid myself that they’ll do it all well because that’s just not going to happen. I’ll be shocked if they manage it at all. Frankly I’ll be shocked if the last season doesn’t focus more on the new team again... I am not looking forward. It feels like a chore now. Will I watch the sequel series if there is one. No. Probably not.  I wanted Voltron Legendary Defender to be given all the time it needed to be exceptional. I didn’t want to watch an advert for the next series and the next group of characters and toys. Especially if we’ll just end up seeing them all wasted, rushed and never allowed to live up to their potential as well. I was invested in VLD and it sucks that my investment is used as a marketing ploy for a potential new show before being discarded. Ah well. There’s always fanfics I guess... Though even that tastes a little bitter now... Like I'm just another part of the Voltron Hype Machine and not even getting paid to do it... Sucks and it taints what I plan to do and what I already have done... I do want to continue supporting the show and the ship I love along with all the fans out there in The Garden, but right now... I’m left feeling so conflicted. In two minds about how much I enjoy this show and yet despite that, how often and how glaring some of the errors, missteps and plain crazy choices they seem to be making along the way... It’s hard to feel 100% positive, but I did make this post and I stand by it. If the Voltron writers won’t give us the reality that makes the most sense? We make it ourselves. I did make these three posts and I stand by all of them as well. Even now as it seems like the writer’s minds are falling apart like chunks of wet cake, I still maintain that Plance makes the most sense in the story for those two characters I loved. Will it still make sense at the end of the series? Honestly, yeah. I’m sure it will still make more sense than whatever the writers eventually decide to churn out. Here’s hoping Season 8 is...something...

[sonofadeanwinchester]

Not A Dream (Finale)

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine

Summary: You keep hearing voices from people who are not there.

Words: 1651

Sebastian Stan x Reader

Warnings: Swearing && sadness

A/N: WE MADE IT TO THE END GUYS what a journey

***gif not mine

Tags: @221bshrlocked @potterhead1265 @pawallday @shellymaesworld @titty-teetee @fucmeupfandoms @sarahp879 @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @of-rin-and-carlile @ab-haya @jhangelface0523 @chameerah @myboyfriendgiriboy @buckysboobear @bornfortherainydays @katielu-blog @bbysaniii @i-should-probably-be-asleep-rn

I sat on the couch, leaning into Sebastian's side as he flicked through the channels. I had been a nervous wreck for almost a week now after hearing the car in my head. The flash of light that came at me was terrifying, so realistic. I could've sworn that I was standing in the middle of the street but when I dropped to the floor, I was safe in my apartment.

"Hey love, wanna watch friends?"

I shrug. "Whatever you want."

I felt him shift in position so that most of myself was on his lap. "Baby, what's going on?"

I shrug, again, not sure what he meant. "What do you mean?"

He scoffs. "Since last week when you saw the bright light, it's like you're not the same person. Somethings wrong."

I nod, moving so I am facing him now. "Fucking right something's wrong. Sebastian, I saw a car driving at me inside our apartment. I heard tires squeal in my brain. I heard you talking to a doctor when you were go-"

Darling, I'm back. I just went to grab some coffee.

"What did you say?"

He furrowed his brow. "Uh, nothing. I was listening to you talk."

Remember that time when you got so nervous around Chris the first time that you spilled an entire cup of coffee on my crotch?

My heart jolted and I felt tears prick my eyes.

I really wish you would wake up, baby. I miss you so much.

I stood, running my hands through my tangled hair. "Jesus. I-I can't do this anymore."

Sebastian stood, slinking to my height and kissing my nose. "Baby, what's going on?"

I close my eyes. "The voice, it's in my head again."

"The doctor or mine?"

"Uh, yours."

Sucking his bottom lip between his teeth, his smiled painfully. "Baby, you gotta know that I'm not talking. There is no doctor here."

I shot a anger glare in his direction. "I fucking know that! Jesus, you think I'm insane."

He shook his head a little too quickly. "I don't." When I rolled my eyes, his voice dropped to nearly a whisper. "I don't think you're insane."

Mr Stan. The doctors voice spoke now, fainter than his. It's been nearly three months.

"Three months?"

Sebastian's eyes looked confused, his lip curling. "Three months since what?"

"Shh." I closed my eyes trying to narrow in on the voice but they were gone. "Fuck." I focused in on Sebastian's face, watching his expressions change. My eyes went weird and he started to go fuzzy. I rubbed them but it didn't help. "Sebastian." My voice came out panicked and scared.

"What's wrong?"

"Sebastian, I can't see you. I-" then everything went black.

The only feeling I could comprehend was choking. I tried to breath but something was in the way, something blocking my throat. I tried to talk but my throat felt like sandpaper. Help me! Someone! No matter how much I yelled, nothing came out and no one came to my rescue. I mustered up all the breath I could and coughed, feeling the air spring around something cylinder like a tube. "(Y/N)?" Sebastian was at my side in two seconds flat. "NURSE! Jesus Christ, I need a nurse in here!"

I opened my eyes, his panicked blue ones staring down at me. The next thing I know, someone with brown hair is holding my down as I struggle to sit up while a petite blonde man starts pulling at the tube in my throat. I felt myself gagging, bile threatening to come up. When the tube was gone, I sucked in a breath of air as if my lungs had never been exposed to oxygen. My panting was long and deep, like a dog in the summertime. "Seb-" it came out as a hoarse whisper. 

He poured some water, placing his hand on the back of my neck, helping me swallowing the refreshing liquid. "It's okay, baby girl. I'm here."

I swallowed a few gulps and fell back against the pillow. "What's going on? Where am I?"

Sympathy fell on his face like a blanket and he kissed my forehead. "Baby, you're in the hospital."

I shook my head, but something was holding my neck still. "What's wrong with my neck?" Bringing a shaky hand to my neck, I felt a brace holding it in place. "Oh my god. Why is this here?" Tears swamped my eyes and streams traveled my cheeks. "Sebastian! Answer me."

He closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. He grasped my hand and kissed my palm. Just then, a familiar voice came in the room. "Mr Stan, it seems your wife as woken up."

Doctor? 

Sebastian's voice dropped to a whisper. "She doesn't remember the accident."

He shrugged. "It's to be expected in trauma patients." He stepped closer to me and smiled. "Mrs Stan, my name is Dr Crow." I tried to smile but my whole body shot suddenly with pain. "Mrs Stan, do you remember anything?"

I cleared my throat, speaking quietly. "I, uh. I remember waking up in my apartment but I-I, uh, didn't know who Seb-sebastian was." My head was fuzzy, pounding from the lack of oxygen. He nodded slowly, writing things down on a clipboard. "I didn't know anything or anyone."

Sebastian came close to me, kissing just above my eyebrow. "Honey, none of that happened."

The doctor pulled him aside. "Mr Stan, it's crucial we ease her into reality. It seems as if maybe your wife was experiencing a very vivid dream while unconscious." He smiled again, leaning against my bed. "Continue, please."

"He kept telling me that he was my husband but I didn't remember him. I didn't know why I was in New York or- something about my parents living away."

Sebastian licked his lips. "Doc, her parents have been dead for almost two years."

I felt a sob grow in my chest. "My parents are dead?" 

The doctor politely asked Sebastian to keep comments to either himself or quiet until I was finished. "Did you ever get your memories back?"

I nodded, best I could with the brace holding my neck in place. "Three days after I woke up, or whatever, I was getting really bad migraines. I kept waking up throughout the night, my head pounding until the final time I woke up, I remembered everything. The miscarriage, the cheating."

"Cheating? Miscarriage?" Sebastian's face shot back. "What?"

"You cheated on me."

He shook his head, worry filling his eyes. "Baby, I've never even looked at another woman."

I sighed, relief filling my soul. Your mind made that up, (Y/N). Your worse fear playing, bouncing around your silly little mind.

I asked Sebastian to help me sit up properly, drinking cold water through a straw. "Our marriage was falling apart. We were two ships just passing in the night." Sebastian kissed my hair and cocked his head to the side, listening. "It seemed to real."

The doctor nodded. "Mrs Stan. (Y/N), if I may. Three months ago, you were involved in a hit and run just outside of Brooklyn. You have suffered from a broken femur and fibula on the right leg. A broke tibia on the left leg, also a dislocation of the kneecap. Your clavicle has been shattered into four pieces, the humerus bone on the left arm is broken in two spots. When your body hit the ground, your cranium smashed on the pavement causing the comatose state. The mandible is fractured and the temporal bone is dented."

"Oh my god."

"All things considered, you've healed quite well."

"I was in a coma for three whole months?" I sighed, the sound shaky. "Sebastian. I heard you talking to me. Not at first but after a while, I heard you."

He smiled, a tear sliding down his cheek. "God, I missed you so much."

"I heard you asking, begging me to wake up." 

He kissed my forehead. "I'm so glad you woke up, (Y/N). I was going out of mind waiting for you."

"Doc, how long till a full recovery?"

He shifted his weight between feet. "That's a bit more ... complicated. You see, we didn't expect you to wake up, let alone this soon. Most patients with the kind of damage to their skeleton with a comatose state, very rarely regain consciousness left alone be able to remember their experiences and speak fluently."

"What do you mean remember their experiences?"

He nodded. "There has been cases where people in a coma, have experienced slight life changes. For instance, a woman roughly your age, went into a coma and was asleep for one full year. When she woke up, she explained to her husband, that she had met someone and married them in her 'dream'. She was very devastated when she woke up and realized that she wasn't, in fact, married to this man. Six months after she went home, she filed for divorce."

"Jesus." Sebastian cussed under his breath. "Did you marry another man?"

I shook my head. "No, I didn't. We were still married but our marriage was on the rocks. Things were not good. We had a miscarriage, you turned to another woman and I threw myself into my work. I honestly, think that neither of us were truly happy." He closed his eyes, running a hand over his tired face. "It was so realistic that I can't tell what was fake was what is real. The way I feel right now, laying in this bed, feeling your hand on mine. The doctor speaking clearly to me, it seems to real but-"

"The dreams you may have experienced while in your state are going to feel very real. It will be difficult for you to determine what is real and what is dream for a while."

Sebastian looked down at me. "Baby, this is not a dream."

[brokenworddiary]

The start of a self-acknowledgement journey.

First of all, i wanted to talk about what this blog is gonna be about. 

I don’t wish for it to become famous or anything, this is just a place where i’ll store things i write, because i’m not a huge fan of writing on paper, though it can be a very relaxing feeling, compared to the feeling of writing an essay, its very tiring and becomes tedious overtime.

Having disclosed what this blog is going to be about, i wanted to start with a few questions i have inside my brain that have been acidicly eating it from the inside, and i feel the need to answer to them, before i finally become insane, if i’m not already.

For starters, what is I?

I have a body, which is constructed out of bones and muscles and tissue. And also my head, which contains what some call a “soul”. Which i prefer to call my “self awareness”.  I am aware of my surroundings, i can feel myself type, i can feel the air going in and out of my lungs, i can feel the dinner i just had inside my stomach, and i can feel the chair under my butt. Now a back pain, because i’ve been sitting all day. But i cannot seem to understand or, in this case, be aware of, what i am. What am I? Is I a recollection of all those things, crumpled up together like a cake batter homogenously mixed? Is I the cake batter, sprinkled with memories and melancholy? Is i the unfrosted cake, but missing a piece?

I never understood what is being I really meant. And i reffer to I as in third person, because that’s basically how i look at myself when i try to understand what happens inside this mix of organic matter and... thoughts? Is I thoughts? Is I a bunch of thoughts and memories and crushed hopes and... unfrosted cakes?

The second question is, why does I belong?

I don’t want to sound depressive, although i have been diagnosed with severe depression, but I must say this in the most crude way possible, so I can express myself in the most truthful way possible. I don’t know what is the purpose of I being here, this exact moment. Is it to be writing this? Is it to clean wounds on my cat? Is it to take care of my compost bin worms? Is it just for the sake of keeping my family alive, just because she has no other reason to live for, so the I has to be IT? Obligatedly? Forced. I discussed this issue with my therapist once, she keeps talking about the most wonderful things I still have to live for, and how wonderful my life could be. Could be. But i see no truth in that. She’s just trying to do the job she is paid to do, because if she doesn’t and if i kill myself because she neglected me treatment, she goes to jail. Do you, on the other side of the screen, understand what i’m trying to say? In the mind (soul, if you prefer) of mine, there is no wonderful things, there is no expectations for my life to be wonderful in any way. If people are supposed to live a happy life, they start having a happy life. They dont start having a happy life after 25 years old of misery and destruction. They don’t start their lives being paranoid and consumed by darkness and self doubt, low self esteem. And honestly, one quote couldn’t be more true to me, which says “Therapy doesn’t work on me, i know all the tricks”.

The third and final question is, is I here for long?

Oddly enough, i try not to think of that too much. I try to set a space for that question and let it rest with my other little garden of destructive thoughts. But it must be issued in this first of many expressions of my depressive state of mind.

After several suicidal attempts, the last one not being completed because i was guilty of killing my grandmother in the process (not directly, but of sadness), i concluded that i don’t deserve to die. Not because i deserve to live, but because i don’t have the guts to pursue my desires and my objectives. Living is hard. Dying is easy. 

Living, for me, is with waking up in the morning to find out a loved one died. It’s spending the day looking at the ceiling because you have absolutely nothing to do or don’t wish to do anything. It’s waiting for the night to come just because you have a grand, enourmous, gigantic wish to sleep, so that the days pass faster and you can spend 8 hours outside of your reality.

Dying is living outside your reality. Forever. Where you don’t have to worry about anyone or anything, debts, love, pain, suffering. Death is bliss. It’s when you relieve yourself from your body form and just.... Doesn’t live anymore.

And i still didn’t answer the question, right?

The answer is, i don’t know how much longer i can keep going. How much longer my fingers can hold the tree roots im hanging onto, over a cliff. One thing i know for certain is the I cannot take any more shit and i am sorry for the wording, but there’s no other that describes better what my life is. Shit. Complete, useless, spread up, stinking fucking shit. 

I really do not know how to answer the third question, though. I hope some day i’ll find my answer.

[bridgetbites]

My Road To Body Acceptance

This post has been a long time coming. Both on the blog and in my life. It makes me nervous, because in writing this I am letting a whole part of my self fall away; in cutting out an aspect of identity there is left negative space. This can feel like you’ve missed a step on a staircase. Or you have been pushed out of an aircraft sans parachute. But that’s ok – it has been a long journey to get me to this point, and I am not afraid of sharing it with you all. And when we have space in our lives, there is endless opportunity for new. Which is life.

Anyway.

In August this year I made myself a promise. It was time to make peace with my body. I threw away my scales, my measuring tape and my body checking. I threw away all my clothes from when I was at my smallest. I deleted all the gym selfies from my instagram, and all of the “progress” shots from my phone. Basically, I wanted no point of reference any more of a time when I was smaller, or larger. I just wanted to stop looking in mirrors and telling myself that I was “too fat”, and “not doing enough”.

Easy to say, insanely hard to do. I was attempting to undo twelve years of being told to lose weight and “tone up”.

So I began to relax into eating well; healthily, because I feel better that way, but no longer skipping meals, and no longer restricting volume. I let go of any attempt to diet, and stopped having foods that were “bad” or “good”. I stopped allowing guilt to exist, and I stopped hard workouts altogether. Working out became something to make me stronger, not something to diminish me. I was going to give my brain and body a chance to exist on the same page for once.

They did not want to.

I cannot tell you how many times I went to bed with my head whirling – trying to get me to latch onto how much I ate at dinner, or during the day, or trying to convince myself to change my diet, start training hard again, start tracking my size, just start doing more. It felt like two steps forward, one and three quarters step back.

Then I went on set and worked with a person who is much wiser than me. He has worked with me monthly since I was 21, has known me through all walks of my early adulthood, and he listened to me berate myself for an entire day. I was making excuses and trying to say that I will work harder and the next time he saw me I would be smaller. He looked at me, and said, “You realize that everything you say, you become? In life we have the ego path, the easy, shady path, and the right, harder, harsher way.” It stopped me in my tracks. It makes sense, and I had heard it said before (and believed it cognitively), but at that point in time I was finally completely ready to hear it.

And that was it. I looked at my life, and I realized through obsessing over my body I was selecting the easy path. I was choosing to focus on externality, and ignoring the larger picture. I was choosing the ego path.

From that point on, I said no to anything negative and body related. If body talk came up with friends, I shut it down and refused to engage. If I felt the need to look in a mirror, I read a book instead. When I was ordering food for dinner, I ordered what I wanted. And strangely enough – the need to gorge myself is slowly fading away. I was ok with being done when I was full. When food isn’t a scarcity we stop feeling so desperate around it. But most importantly, when I saw my body reflected back at me, I said nice things to myself. I chose to empower my self.

Because the fact is, life is way too short to be focused on the exterior. Time spent worrying about your size is time wasted. There are far bigger fish to fry in the world than your thigh size. There are so many better uses for your brain.

There is a life to be lived. We have so much to offer to the world – every single one of us – and we get missed when we get caught up in egotistical pursuits. I never realized how much time and energy I would spend on dieting. I am much freer now, and it is a fantastic feeling. I wish I had discovered it sooner – but late is better than never.

I hope this resonates with at least some of you. Because here’s the best part.

I have gained weight. And I do not give a fuck about it. My life is so much more than my jean size. And every day when that voice in my head tries to tell me I am worthless, it gets a little easier to shut it down. I am setting myself free slowly.

 Peace and love,

Bridget

Photograph | Dove Shore

I love receiving your comments! - and if you have any specific questions don’t forget to ‘Ask Me Anything’ via the link here.

THANKS SO MUCH

[crowdvscritic]

crowd vs. critic // BEST OF THE DECADE (2010s)

Well, people, I tried. I really tried to whittle down the decade to 100 movies or fewer just like a good little Best of Decade list does, but here we are. That is, here we are at 144.

Maybe it’s because movies have meant so much to me this decade. When I graduated from high school in 2010, I loved John Hughes and Audrey Hepburn, but since then, film has cemented itself as my favorite art form. A few highlights in this journey:

Taking film classes at Taylor University, including a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in 2013

Writing for ZekeFilm starting in 2016

Writing about every new movie I watched in 2016

Watching classic movies while podcasting about Gilmore Girls pop culture references

Discovering my love for Turner Classic Movies, including taking their online summer course “Mad About Musicals”

Watching every movie nominated for Best Picture in 2014, 2016, 2018, and 2019

Beginning a slow (very slow) but sure trek through every Best Picture winner in history

And, oh yeah— starting this little blog!

I left Snow White and The Huntsman wishing someone would review it considering how fun it was even though it wasn’t a great art. Then I thought, what if that person was me? I hope my writing and critical analysis has grown since then, but I still ask the same questions about every movie I’ve watched since then: What is the popcorn potential? What is the artistic taste?

This decade I also spent July Friday nights watching outdoor movies on Art Hill, hosted annual Oscars watch parties with dear friends, attended my first midnight premiere (The Hunger Games), paid extra for the reclining seats to celebrate my first job (Interstellar), and found a laugh break with my whole family during a stressful summer (Ant-Man and the Wasp).

So here’s a small tribute to the time I spent watching, discussing, and reading and writing about movies I watched these 10 years: 72 Crowd picks and 72 Critic picks. They’re the 144 films that moved me, made me laugh, or made the biggest impact on me, and they’re the ones I recommend most from the 2010s.

Crowd-Pleasers of the 2010s

1. 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) – An acting tour de force you’ll still be thinking about days later. (#JohnGoodmanForBestSupportingActor) Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

2. The Age of Adaline (2015) - The color palette and costumes are dreamy, and the romance taking a back seat to Adaline’s personal growth is refreshing. On my Best of 2015.

3. Austenland (2013) – “This movie is for two kinds of people: people who love Jane Austen and people who think Jane Austen fans are funny.” – A paraphrased director Jerusha Hess. On my Sundance 2013 lineup. On my Best of 2013.

4. Ant-Man (2015) – All hail, Paul Rudd and his ability to make us care about ants. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2015.

5. Avengers: Endgame (2019) - An impossibly satisfying conclusion that seemed impossible when Iron Man came out in 2008. A peak in the superhero subgenre as well as ensemble films, action flicks, sci-fi adventures, and time travel comedies. On my Best of 2019.

6. Baby Driver (2017) – If you forced me to pick my favorite on this entire list, here you go. A modern musical that lights up every spark in my brain. On my Best of 2017.

7. Beauty and the Beast (2017) – My favorite of the Disney live action remakes. On my Best of 2017.

8. Before We Go (2014) – I’m a sucker for Boy-Meets-Girl-and-They-Talk-All-Night stories, and this one’s an aesthetic dream. Excellent pick if your flight is cancelled and you’re stuck in an airport for nine hours.

9. The Big Sick (2017) – You’ll fall in love with the treasure Kumail Nanjiani. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2017.

10. Black Panther (2018) – WAKANDA FOREVER. On my Best of 2018.

11. Central Intelligence (2016) – No complaints from me when the Rock and Kevin Hart team up. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

12. Colossal (2016) – The best quasi-superhero movie no one talked about this decade. On my Best of 2017.

13. Crazy Rich Asians (2018) – Three cheers for Awkwafina! On my Best of 2018.

14. Creed (2015)

15. The Dark Knight Rises (2012) – Controversial Movie Corner: My favorite of The Dark Knight trilogy.

16. Finding Dory (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

17. Frozen II (2019) – Controversial Movie Corner: Better than the original.

18. Fury (2014)

19. Game Night (2018) - Come for the sharp jokes, stay for the clever heist plotting and a hilarious ensemble. On my Best of 2018.

20. Ghostbusters (2016) – I had the option to rewatch this or the 1984 version for Halloween this year, and I chose to laugh through this one. FYI, the extra 15 minutes in the extended version make a difference. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

21. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) – Another modern musical. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

22. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

23. Home Again (2017) – Made of pure charm. Read ZekeFilm review.

24. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013) The best of the best dystopian YA adaptation series this decade. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2013.

25. I Feel Pretty (2018)

26. Inception (2010)

27. The Intern (2015) – Insanely rewatchable. On my Best of 2015.

28. Interstellar (2014)

29. Juliet, Naked (2018) – On my Best of 2018.

30. Jurassic World (2015) – Doesn’t hold up to scrutiny on second watch, but a big spectacle on a big screen. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2015.

31. The Kings of Summer (2013) – My favorite from Sundance 2013. On my Best of 2013.

32. Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) – A course-correction of tired spy movie clichés. On my Best of 2015.

33. Knives Out (2019) – On my Best of 2019.

34. Kong: Skull Island (2017) – Very rewatchable. Very relistenable soundtrack.

35. Late Night (2019)

36. The Lego Movie (2014) – I didn’t choose this movie, but I laughed so hard I forgave my friends for dragging me to it.

37. Letters to Juliet (2010) – Very corny. Very rewatchable for its Italian countryside setting.

38. Logan Lucky (2017) – Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, and Daniel Craig at their funniest. On my Best of 2017.

39. The Magnificent Seven (2016) – Sometimes you just want to see a bunch of movie stars tearing it up. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

40. Mary Poppins Returns (2018) – One of the most successful movies on this list because it knows exactly what it wants to be and then is that. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2018.

41. The Maze Runner (2014) – Let’s just forget those sequels ever happened.

42. Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation (2015) – Fallout got the most attention, but I prefer the squad in this sequel. Bonus points for Jeremy Renner. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2015.

43. Moana (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

44. Monte Carlo (2011) – Wanderlust satisfied because it takes inspiration from Golden Hollywood fairy tales like Roman Holiday.

45. Morning Glory (2010)

46. The Muppets (2011) – Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh.

47. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) – Even bigger, fatter, and Greeker than the original. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

48. Ocean’s Eight (2018) – The real heist? Eight funny ladies taking turns stealing every scene. On my Best of 2018.

49. Passengers (2016) - A near-perfect popcorn flick. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

50. Paper Towns (2015) – Love me some Nat Wolff with an indie pop soundtrack.

51. Prometheus (2012) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

52. A Quiet Place (2018) – Where the best of commercial and critical filmmaking come together. On my Best of 2018.

53. Ready or Not (2019)

54. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013) – Another entry in the Wanderlust Canon.

55. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) – Imperfect, but sticks the landing.

56. Shazam! (2019) – Read ZekeFilm review.

57. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) – Charismatic movie stars + flashy cinematography = A great time at the theatre (even when the projector fails in the middle of your screening and you have to start over).

58. The Spectacular Now (2013)

59. Spider-man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

60. Spy (2015) – I still can’t believe how much I laughed at this.

61. Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) – The best Star War since 1980. On my Best of 2017.

62. Super 8 (2011)

63. Tangled (2010) – Controversial Movie Corner: Better than both Frozens.

64. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

65. Toy Story 3 (2010)

66. Warm Bodies (2013) – Who knew a zom rom com would become one of my go-to comfort foods? Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2013.

67. Wonder Woman (2017) – Anyone else almost cry in that No Man’s Land scene? On my Best of 2017.

68. World War Z (2013) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2013.

69. X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) – Why I’d pick the X-Men over the Avengers most days. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

70. Yesterday (2019) – You know a movie captures its audience when most stay through the credits to sing “Hey Jude.” On my Best of 2019.

71. Zombieland: Double Tap (2019) – Hello, my name is Taylor, and I declare Woody Harrelson a national treasure. Read ZekeFilm review.

72. Zootopia (2016) – Creatively and socially sharp. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

Critic Picks of the 2010s

1. 12 Years a Slave (2013) – There’s no beauty or redemption in this chapter of America’s story, but the beauty of this is it restores humanity to millions denied it in their lifetimes. Read ZekeFilm review.

2. 20 Feet From Stardom (2013) – On my Sundance 2013 lineup. On my Best of 2013.

3. 1917 (2019) – Who needs suplots? Or more than one camera? On my Best of 2019.

4. Ad Astra (2019) – Prayerful poetry + one of Brad Pitt’s best performances. On my Best of 2019.

5. American Sniper (2014)

6. Argo (2012) – CIA work: It’s just like makin’ a movie! Read ZekeFilm review.

7. Arrival (2016) - The best Hollywood has to offer. I left wishing I felt this way after every film. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

8. The Artist (2011)

9. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019) – On my Best of 2019.

10. Begin Again (2013) – Adam Levine singing in Begin Again > Adam Levine singing in Maroon 5. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

11. The Beguiled (2017) – Sofia Coppola = Queen. On my Best of 2017.

12. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

13. Blade Runner 2049 (2017) – Don’t @ me—I like this better than the original. On my Best of 2017.

14. BlacKkKlansman (2018) – Just when you think this undercover investigation can’t get riskier, Spike Lee finds another way to send your blood pressure rising. On my Best of 2018.

15. The Bling Ring (2013) – Sofia Coppola = Still Queen.

16. Boyhood (2014)

17. Brooklyn (2015) – I think that Saorsie Ronan is goin’ places. On my Best of 2015.

18. Circles (2013) – Love me some symbolism. On my Sundance 2013 lineup. On my Best of 2013.

19. Dunkirk (2017) – The freshest take on World War II since Schindler’s List. On my Best of 2017.

20. Fences (2016) – Denzel Washington and Viola Davis bring issues of race, class, gender, marriage, and intelligence to life in a story as relevant today as in the 1950s. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

21. First Man (2018) – On my Best of 2018.

22. Florence Foster Jenkins (2016) – More proof Hugh Grant is just the best. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

23. First Reformed (2017) – I‘ve never heard a character pray in words so close to mine. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2018.

24. The Florida Project (2017) - For what this lacked in narrative momentum, it made up for in empathy. On my Best of 2017.

25. Get Out (2017) – I’m not one for horror, and I’m not one to watch the same film twice in one week, but this broke both of those rules. On my Best of 2017.

26. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

27. Gravity (2013) – Maybe my favorite Sandra Bullock performance. On my Best of 2013.

28. Green Book (2018) – Read ZekeFilm review.

29. Hacksaw Ridge (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic review.

30. The Help (2011) – Prescient of the decade ahead for its soon-to-be-superstar cast and a story reminding white people they should probably just shut up and listen instead of thinking they have all the answers.

31. Hell or High Water (2016) – A modern Cain and Abel story. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

32. Hidden Figures (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

33. I, Tonya (2017)

34. If Beale Street Could Talk (2018) – Controversial Movie Corner: My preferred Barry Jenkins of the decade. On my Best of 2018.

35. Inside Out (2015) – “There’s inductive reasoning, there’s déjà vu, there’s language processing, there’s déjà vu, there’s critical thinking, there’s déjà vu…” On my Best of 2015.

36. Jackie (2016) – Changed my perspective on Natalie Portman. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

37. Jojo Rabbit (2019) – Shows not just how ugly hate is but how winsome it can appear. On my Best of 2019.

38. Joy (2015) – An important film at a hard time in my life. On my Best of 2015.

39. The King’s Speech (2010)

40. La La Land (2016) – Already one of the Great Musicals. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

41. The Last Black Man in San Francisco (2019) – Like a novel on screen. On my Best of 2019.

42. Les Misérables (2012)

43. Lincoln (2012)

44. The Light Between Oceans (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2016.

45. Lion (2016) – Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

46. Little Women (2019) – I don’t sob in every film, but one of the most realistic onscreen depictions of sisterhood will make me do it.  On my Best of 2019.

47. Love & Friendship (2016) - Captures Jane Austen’s sardonic tone and her eye for silliness in social etiquette. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews. On my Best of 2016.

48. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) – Bananas, but the best kind of bananas. On my Best of 2015.

49. Marriage Story (2019) – A divorce story I want every engaged couple to watch. An Adam Driver/Scarlett Johansson acting show I want every film lover to watch. On my Best of 2019.

50. The Martian (2015) – Of all the fantastic space stories this decade, this is the most feel-good. On my Best of 2015 list.

51. Midnight in Paris (2011) – Another entry into the Wanderlust Canon.

52. Midnight Traveler (2019) – A documentary that feels more like flipping through a family photo album than reading a newspaper. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2019.

53. Molly’s Game (2017) – Sorkin Part 1!

54. Moneyball (2011) – Sorkin Part 2!

55. mother! (2017) - Exactly zero people on Earth can explain what this story means, but I think we can all agree we don’t deserve Jennifer Lawrence. On my Best of 2017.

56. Mudbound (2017) – A Greek tragedy set in the Deep South. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2017.

57. Parasite (2019) – A Southern Gothic set in South Korea. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2019.

58. Philomena (2013)

59. The Post (2017) – Hanks. Spielberg. Streep. Need I say more? On my Best of 2017.

60. The Report (2019) - Solely included here for the performance from Adam Driver, who elevated this so much he became one of my favorite working actors by the credits. Read ZekeFilm review. On my Best of 2019.

61. Selma (2014)

62. Silver Linings Playbook (2012) – I’m ready for more J. Law and B. Coop team ups in the 2020s. Read Crowd vs. Critic reviews.

63. Sing Street (2016) – Listen to “The Riddle of the Model” and you can thank me later. Read Crowd vs. Critic review. On my Best of 2016.

64. The Social Network (2010) – Sorkin Part 3!

65. Spotlight (2015)

66. A Star Is Born (2018) – Sometimes a film is everything you hope it will be. On my Best of 2018.

67. The Theory of Everything (2014)

68. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) – A needed dialogue with unexpected opportunities for redemption. On my Best of 2017.

69. Three Identical Strangers (2018) - Sucks you in with its stranger-than-fiction premise but keeps you because of its better-than-fiction characters. On my Best of 2018.

70. The Tree of Life (2011)

71. The Two Popes (2019) – On my Best of 2019.

72. Wind River (2017) – The story lead the way instead of its politics, which makes both more compelling. More of Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen in everything, please. On my Best of 2017.

Photo credits: All photos from IMDb.com.