#(i just have a migraine rn but i still wanted to draw so i had to make my canvas darker LOL)

[starheirxero]

I'm so sorry but I somehow got the mental image of centipede Eclipse walking on two feet and somehow that makes everything more terrifying

I'd much rather see him skittering around, maybe climbing up walls the way an actual centipede walks. The two feet thing is horrific in my mind /silly

NO BUT LITERALYYAJAGAJAHD THE SCARIEST PART IS THAT I ALMOST SETTLED ON THAT INSTEAD OF THE FULL CENTIPEDE BODY BAHAHAHAHA

LIKE. THE SKITTERING INSTILLS THE FEAR I STRIVE FOR WHEN THINKING OF LORD ECLIPSE. BUT JUST,, ON TWO LEGS?

THAT IS JUST A COMICALLY LONG MAN NOW 😭😭😭

[taegularities]

RIDDD 🎀🖇🩵

are you truly feeling better? ;-; a migraine is the last thing i'd wish upon anyone among list of terrible headaches, bcs i used to have cluster headaches— so i can only guess what's a whole migraine must be like ; please take care of yourself, and rest well :(

i don't know if it would be insensitive to drop the following long message here rn, but you obv have the liberty to ignore it till you feel better or as you wish. this is your domain, after all. love you.

"RUINED" : RAMBLE.

i had to drop the headcanons that's been eating up my mind bc the other day while i was taking my mock tests, my mind kept drifting off to the couple. lol. so here's a list of headcanons i had as a reader, from all the different bits of the story and the things you told us. hehe. these are mostly 'soft moments' as asked by you in that ask ( i wish i could drop the reference links, but i'm on my phone so it's hard to operate dually. however, i shall say which parts inspired what brainrot : they're from your works )

RUINED : BRAINROTS.

inspo : a!oc is the type of person who knows what she wants, her saying : two years of marriage and i still put up with the way you put the toilet paper the wrong way around. lol. her being very organized too bc she doesn't want work to pile up and focuses on her tasks in office. both of thm loving to sing

if she loves her things organized, i can see— during the beginning of their dating life, tae'd come over on a random weekend, only to find a!oc cleaning up, in her most natural state, and the mundane aspect of it would melt him. why? bcos he's the been there, done that sort of person, but not when it comes to these things. the domesticity, i mean. hehe.

also, the fact that she trusted him enough to show that side of her? :') the only reason she wouldn't stress about her look is bc she's adorably engrossed in her work and NEEDS IT DONE AND HE SAW HER IN OTHER STATES TOO 🫠

HELLO, RID. CAN YOU SEE HIM ENTERING HOME TO HER ONE DAY AND A!OC MOUTHING THE LYRICS OF A LOVE SONG TO TAE WHILE DOING MUNDANE THINGS WHILE THE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BG?

AFTER THAT THEY COMPOSED THEIR OWN SONG OR SMTH IDK U TELL, RID!

inspo : a!oc being adorable-oc in general. her eyes having the purity even in the lewdest moments, her general love and admiration for him, original ruin you devil tango on the phone drabble 😮‍💨 a!oc loving to draw, tae in general loosing his composure around her lol

this one is loosely based on what my friend did once. so we were in a fb video call and she just randomly made a quick sketch of me on doodle. it was beautiful. 😔

since we are talking soft moments mostly, i can literally see him trying to sexually rizz her up on some video call— imagine him going like 'are you touching yourself?' or smth bc her hands are busy 🤣 but homegirl, who misses him sm and can be an adorable vixen, leads him on— only to send a quicksketch of him so beautifully done ( with artist-oc : a!oc touch 🥹 )....and can you imagine his reaction? always 'interpreting him anew' x 'you are an artist to me, okay?'

SORRY! I DON'T REMEMBER THE LINES VERBATIM!

inspo : basically, tae's protectiveness towards her, a!oc not liking to depend on people, her caring about his demons and wanting to fight his battles and these intially clashing, smex that melts you. tae : i cried, she crode. we s-crewed. ( no, rid. you never wrote that but its just a lil meme ref 😭 ) old tae and his demons.

this one is also from initial years. i think if she were to ever get injured in any way or had a scar—however minor, he'd still spend hours on those spot/s, kissing & hating himself for not being there when it happened. also, i think if she didn't tell him about such a thing/things bc it's not an issue to her, because he had sm going on according to her and didn't wanna pile on— he'd be upset. can see her making jokes about it since it's nothing to her, and him glaring at her with swimming red eyes ( just like the wedding drabble where he threatened her to never leave him ), and making similar threats to his favorite girl ( mid-lovemaking ) ☹️

you often write that before meeting her, tae's biggest flex in bed was composure. so i can literally see him shortcircuting (even during the roughest rounds), hearing her say the most loving things and her unadultered affection. the holds only bared by his urge to take care of her first like you always say.

also, i think when he first introduced her to his world of ruined tango, he was more concerned about her, than a!oc herself. can see him internally worrying, but she is the type to want it harder and more, anyway, to his constant surprise 😂 no, but seriously. suppose it's waxplay, and he knows what he's doing bc he's a pro, but it's still his a!oc 😭 no matter how much lust and control is swarming around them, his need to smear his affection on/inside her is REAL! ever love someone so much that even being balls deep in them isn't enough bc you wanna consume them whole??? and merge with their soul and being??? that's them, and it was novel for him. right?

and you said he kinda likes giving away control more now? why can i see a!oc, simply like a mini-him in some ways, just loving on every nook and crany of his being, when she first took over charge? 🥹 she must have had sm love to give him 🥹 i mean, in the past giving away control would be all about pleasure, but i think when he gave her that role for the first time, he wasn't expecting getting LOVED ON. CAN U HEAR HER WHISPERING PROMISES AND COMPLIMENTS IN THE PUREST WAYS? ( yk how she said, "well, it's true. i want it' about his 🐓 in such a harmless way? 🫠 ) whole lotsa crying, right? ....right?......RIGHT? 😭 bc it's never enough. not until they breathe. the other. in. AAAAA-

inspo : random ig reel, lol. this girl asked her bf, if her soul were to get switched with her bestfriend's, who would he pick. homeboy replied : i will take you to an exorcist 😂

imagine somebody asking her that question, but the other way around and in tae's presence— can see him tensing up bc hello, ry!jk wassup 🤩🚨 but a!oc will also pull up a "will take him to an exorcist" answer and set his demons free 🕊🕊🕊

inspo : papa!tae and mama-a!oc.

sometimes, i assume their first born is a son, then i settle for a daughter. or maybe an older brother to a lil sister. anyway, daughter is a mini a!oc. teenie tinie version of her 🤏🏻🥹 and he looks like such a girl dad at times, too.

to me—the babygirl has a!oc's eyes, his nose, and a pair of both of their lips combined, but also her father's fullness. why her mama's eyes?

BC DOUBLE HER, DOUBLE THE PEACE IN TAE'S LIFE.

imagine her wrapping that tiny chubby soft hand around his wedding ring instead of the pinky/thumb/index 🫠 he'd definitely be like : both of you women are gonna be the end of me :))))))))))))))))))))

little monet family. 🎐

it's so late at night. i resign 😮‍💨 please, recitfy me as you wish. also i forgot a lot of them, so pardon me 🫂 i couldn't articulate properly. had so much to write and tell but 🕸🕸🕸 love you, rid. thank you.

HI LOVE 🥺 i was feeling better last night and most of today haha but now the headache's coming back :')))) just why :'') it's a pretty horrible pain, but welp. and no worries babe, this isn't insensitive at all??? in fact, this is so fkn sweet?? 😭

yes, she def seems like someone who has her act together. as an office assistant, she's used to working neatly and diligently, so she'd be scolding tae for little things for sure hahaha :') ahhh the domesticity would shoot an arrow into his heart. he's never experienced such a love, you know? so to know somebody's here and his home… must affect him for sure :( they're both kind of an anchor to the other, and prove each other time and time again that they're able to show their true side. NAWH THEIR OWN LOVE SONG THO YES PLS.

the purity even in the filhiest moments is so fucking real. i don't remember if i actually mentioned that, but yes??? she's an angel, so there's some innocence in her eyes no matter what. NOT YOU USING MY QUOTES AGAINST ME IN A SKETCH SITUATION 😭 omg the confession.. you are an artist to me :') she would she would she would!!!

oh, he'd lose his shit if he saw an injury on her :( i remember my ex once crying and rushing to the hospital when i fell in the shower, and i had a lil scar on my chin (still do), and i think tae would feel similar? shedding tears and inspecting her wound and just everything :( he loves his baby and wants not a single scratch on her

omg ofc, he'd never be able to keep his chill with her hahaha no touch is ever enough. needs her melted with him <3

"i think when he gave her that role for the first time, he wasn't expecting getting LOVED ON" BABE YESS!!! 😭 maybe that's why he's so comfortable with her, too, even if he gives away control. he knows she knows what she's doing. also omg the exorcism one 😂 they're both witty so 100%.

hahaha honestly, i can't remember what i said about their firstborn or if i said anything at all, but yeah honestly both is possible!!! a boy whom he loves teaching life, or a girl who he adores with all his heart.. would definitely destroy him, along with oc hahaha that's a bit too much for his lil (big) heart :') little monet family 🥺

i hope you slept well!!! thank you so much for typing this all out??? i can't believe somebody's ready to do this for me or is invested enough in one of my stories to come up with such wholesome and long ass headcanons??? i love you fr 😭 i'm always here if you remember the others. thank you <3

[toinfinitywinning]

Dear IVIg—I’m still thankful you’re an option but youuu suck.

🤞🏼If it doesn’t help the only other known option to help relieve Pain THAT WE KNOW OF (@⁨Mom⁩ I want to make sure u saw how I phrased this b/c of confusion last time LOL) until something else is I guess figured out is to see my neurologist in Cincy Who spoke to Serena (Williams) for my migraines and finally have to do Botox which I believe might be her last option for me as well. I mean it is possible things in Life will not be healable and that’s just what I have to tell myself. I have to stay realistic and positive at the same time —some ppl might feel differently. That’s why I’ve told ppl to pls not tell me I’m going to heal or get better. It isn’t about the gesture, I know, and have thanked ppl for meaning well. But, we, you, research has no idea. Hope. You can Hope for me but it’s too hard to hear what might never happen. Now if it was strep—barring something really bad, yea. But similarly I can’t answer people when they ask me what I’m taking for it. Or if there is a cure. So, in my eyes look at it like any other disease that’s been researched w/o a cure for decades. And COVID is very very young. I think ab as old as one of my nephews, 5 yrs. so that means as I’m sure u have already figured out on your Own that’s all the research we got. So far my body doesn’t take to any of it. It doesn’t take to many medicines either. Like at all. And that being the hard Truth I’ve had to think about how much dueling with Meds and doctors I want to do. And I told Mom the other Day i may want to Stop trying things (wait.) b/c there is actually nothing else to do. No really. That is not me giving up. It’s stopping; knowing that for now this is what we have. I’ve exhausted what is known to possibly help and I’m exhausted trying until there’s something else. It is finally resting in the fact that I can rest in the fact knowing for now I can do it. But im exhausted and all u all R too! Again sounds dramatic and it is, but I will not be a Lab mouse or statistic or trial forever. I helped research for over 2 years. And somebody got LHC a week after me Who contributed to it too. And when I say nothing has helped. That is not a Gentry like exaggeration. It’s simply sadly true. I get pockets without Pain or a migraine bandaged w/ Tylenol. At first I didn’t have to swallow that. I was not this bad at first. And having almost Pain driven hallucinations some nights is all I need to experience to make that Choice.

So, I’m giving this IVIg a really Good “shot” and the Botox if needed and continue to try what we’re doing rn and then I will live knowing I can escape for a short period of time sometimes so not to take that for granted and I truly might be one of those ppl whose Family member stays on the back of the bulletin. They’re saturated with it. I remember being little at church drawing on that back page of the bulletin and wondering why ppl just stayed there forever. I thought it was a mistake or a running Tab idk. Didn’t get it. It’s not funny but yk. I just never—no kid, anyone holding to only shreds Left of innocence ever thinks it will be them, but there is so much more we will never see on the back of one for so many other things. I like those people.

Resting in rest could be Good. Any advice on how to do that?

PS Dad and Mom not many 70 yo’s can do what you’re doing to help so Cool your jets 🤣ツ . Let me count the ways. Later.

[rianafying]

it’s 4am i have the worst migraine of all time. i’ve had it for four days now. it was okay yesterday so i thought ut was over but it’s back again, and i have to go to work cause i’ve got a huge makeup gig today. i have to do hair and makeup for 10 models, and im just, exhausted emotionally. i was supposed to do some drawings and attach them to the file, and i told my client i would do it many days ago, but i didn’t do it. partly because of my headache and partly because ive been forgetful.

update: it’s 8am, i haven’t slept, took some painkillers, been getting spontaneous bursts of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. i always feel a little anxious before a job, but it’s only part of the reason. i feel terrible rn. i feel bloated and crusty, and my hair looks terrible. a huge part of how i feel is based on how i look, and until im happy w the way i look (hair styled, outfit pressed, makeup done, accessorised) i don’t feel okay. and i just hate the way i look and i hate everything rn. i’m having one of those moments where nothing is okay. it is entirely in my head because on other days everything could go wrong and i’d still feel okay. i hate being at the mercy of my emotions. i need more time to gather myself than i have. work is in two hours, at least it’s only a 10 minute walk from my place so if i forget something or whatever, i can come back and get it. but i feel really anxious. i can physically feel it. and i’ve misplaced everything, and suddenly my room is all messy again. and all i want to do is sleep and complain. i wish i didn’t feel so crusty 99% of the time. and i felt so lonely yesterday, not the kind of loneliness that makes me wanna talk to people. it’s the kind that just is there. i don’t wanna talk to anyone. i hate everyone. and i just wanna be by myself. but that also feels bad. i have a social life, and i love my friends but it’s different. i could even see people if i wanted to but i don’t want to. why do i feel this way. i don’t wanna be with people i don’t wanna be by myself either. at least i don’t feel suicidal lately. i just feel annoyed. frustrated. especially with the migraine i just wanna throw things and break things. i never have and i never will actually throw or break things. but that’s how i feel. just super. irritated. i need time i hate being in a time crunch. none of my thoughts make sense and im simultaneously over and under stimulated. how is it too hot and too cold at the same time??? it’s too hot in my blanket but too cold if i take it off. and i can physically feel my skin, like i can feel a separate layer on my body. and im itchy and im so annoyed. its too loud and too bright. and i hate that the sun is up again, and i hate the sound of my alarm. i hate it. and u hate every terrible thing that has happened to me or to anyone. and my heart breaks for those who are going through so so so much worse. and nothing is right. this is not how it’s supposed to be. and i need my therapist. i’m gonna have a mental breakdown. i am having a mental breakdown. i can’t even cry lately. i don’t even drink water. i suck. of course im gonna feel this way. i dug myself into this hole.

another update: it’s almost 8pm, finally got home from work. it was just the most draining day ever. i’m exhausted but also strangely anxious. extremely anxious. the shoot went well, i think?? i hope!

[pearl-blue-musings]

hi i’m struggling a lot this week so i’m doing some headcannons rn cause i can fight me

Haikyuu!! x reader ; post time skip

You’re feeling under the weather and being extra clingy: Tsukishima, Suna, Iwaizumi, Akaashi, Kuroo

Tsukishima Kei

He just finished his shift at the museum and practice was thankfully cancelled

At first he was annoyed at all of your texts asking when he’d be back home when you know he gets to your shared apartment around the same time

But he also knows you

So he figured something was up when you were being extra clingy over text

And, it was just convenient he’ll swear by it, the store with your favorite candy and snacks was on his way home

So when he walks in, he doesn’t bother announcing he’s there

Cause he knows you’re not on the couch

He walks into your shared bedroom and finds you curled in on yourself, sleeping soundly

“Heh, cute.”

He softly sits on the bed next to you and carefully brushes your cheek

You stir awake and reach out to whatever was touching you

“You better wake up or the candy I bought will go to waste.”

“Can’t you ever greet me normally?”

“How long have we been together, short stuff? You should know better.”

You pout and rub your head at the pain in your head

He can’t help but kiss your pouty lips, placing the candy by your nightstand

“Rest up idiot, I’ll take care of you okay? Otherwise you’re useless.”

You playfully try to punch his arm but he grabs your wrist and kisses your palm, flustering you in your vulnerable state

“Typical. You’re lucky I love you.”

Suna Rintaro

He won’t outright say it, but he didn’t wanna go to national team practice that day

Not since he had to leave you in bed knowing you’re lazier than him when you’re sick

Not to mention clingier

He was almost late to practice because you wouldn’t let him go and who was he to say no to you? You were adorable when you were extra clingy

He may not always put effort into things but when it came to particular things he was all in

Like volleyball and you when you’re not feeling well and for sure when you’re horny af

So as soon as practice and cool down was done, being super exhausted on top of that, he hightailed it home to you 

And just like he thought, you had barely left your bed

He snuck a picture of you laying on your side and holding his pillow

Quickly closing postmates after ordering your favorite, he removes the pillow from your grasp and slide into your arms so he can hold you 

That makes you wake up a bit

“Rin?” god he loves how low and seductive your tired voice is

“Go back to sleep, I’ll wake us up when the food gets here. You feeling any better?”

You shake your head no and snuggle closer into him, your head now on his chest

You’re about to doze off for a few when you intertwine your fingers with his and whisper, “I love you Rin-rin”

He chuckles, kissing your cheek and snagging a quick selfie to send to his friends, teasing that he loves when you’re sick cause you’re extra clingy

“I know, bunny.”

Iwaizumi Hajime

You typically don’t call him at work, considering you also have your own job to do as well

But when his cell rang in the middle of the day and the caller id was you, he got suspicious

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I couldn’t focus at work cause of a migraine...”

“Go home, babe. I’ll try to call off early.”

“Haji, baby you don’t have to!”

You knew arguing with hime was pointless

“Stay there, I’m on my way to pick you up. And we can get your favorite, okay?”

“Okay”

Sure enough, he was outside where you worked, your favorite flowers in one hand and favorite drink in the other

You couldn’t help the smile that came to your face, seeing him in his trainer uniform at your work

Once you got to him you held onto him tightly and didn’t want to let go

He feels his jacket get a little wet with your tears

“Hey, why is my darling crying?”

“I’m just...so frustrated! The timing is so awful and, and”

He shushes you, walks you to the car and places the items on top of the car

He brings you into his chest and rubs calming circles on your back as you lightly sway in his embrace

Kissing the top of your head, he whispers, “it’s going to be okay, we can sleep the rest of the day away. I know you need a break and so do I.”

While on the drive home, he kept the music low and placed a hand on your thigh for that extra touch you needed

Akaashi Keiji

He had woken up later than usual, considering it was his day off

Which was weird cause you’re normally awake before him on days like this

Maybe he had missed you get up? Or maybe you were making breakfast?

Nope, it was neither

He gets up and walks out to the living area and finds you on the couch

He pats your head and trails his hand down your cheek and to your neck

“Love, what are you doing out here?”

You try to avoid his piercing and loving gaze

“It’s your day off,” you mumble, “I didn’t wanna ruin it with me feeling bad...”

He physically frowns as he unwraps you from your blanket to wrap it around the two of you

“Keiji, I’m not-”

“It’s my day off, and I’ll spend it how I wanna spend it.”

He draws you into his chest, knowing you better than you know yourself

“I don’t mind that you want to cuddle more. Let me make breakfast, after we sleep a little longer, alright?”

You clutch onto him tighter, the action making you feel slightly better but not completely

The both of you relax into each other as he kisses your forehead and rests his head on the back of the couch

Kuroo Testurou

He had wanted to surprise you with breakfast, knowing you had been working extra hard and so had he tbh

He’s fixing up your favorites when he suddenly feels arms wrapping tightly around his waist

“Well good morning to you too, kitten.”

Usually you’d playfully nip or tickle him, but you just held on tighter.

Odd

He turns down the burners on the stove and turns around

“Hey, babe you okay? You’re awfully quiet...”

When he looks down at you, still holding onto him, he notices you sniffle

He puts a hand to your forehead and sighs

“Kitten, it’s okay if you’re sick. You probably overworked yourself.”

He chuckles at the end, seeing you huff; hitting the nail right on the head

He lifts your chin and softly kisses your lips

“I’m making your favorite, why don’t you go back to bed, oya? I’ll serve it to you.”

You shake your head again and he understands

“Alright, you can hold onto me while I make breakfast and then it’s off to bed, okay?”

He feels you nod and before he turns back to preparing the food he kisses both of your cheeks

“You’re wonderful kitten. I love you.”

You smile into his and loosen your grip so he can make your favorite 

[roadto-saturn]

Vent post

Honestly having a hard time rn. Drawing doesn’t give me the same joy anymore. I can’t find the inspiration to do things, im never in the mood for art, which sucks because it’s my main hobby and the way i deal with most of my feelings.

And rn i have so many feelings i just feel overwhelmed but numb at the same time? I’m stuck academically and I’m failing most of my exams, my health (both mental and physical) it’s at a new low between covid and my migraines I have to balance the exam session with doctor’s appointments and i still haven’t found a good psychologist or have the money to afford one. I had covid which made me skip a few exams which is only making me stress out more. I don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed in my entire life.

I also had to finally put the world end on the relationship with some of my closest friends. I wouldn’t go back, it wasn’t healthy. Sure i have some great memories with them, I’m grateful for the time we spent together in high school and how they helped me with my gender and sexuality, but in the last few years, since the beginning of college when i had to go to another city to study, i just felt totally alone. Like they forget about me and they were doing great without me. Nobody checked on me when i stopped responding to text or when i said i was feeling abandoned.

Hell, when i was vulnerable some of them made me feel like they were better than me, that they know what was best for me and how i was supposed to act, had to listen to them because i was basically a childish and naive boy that wouldn’t survive a day without them. One blocked me on all social media and start talking shit behind my back because i posted a picture with my gf’s friend group??? She said I betrayed them, i stabbed them in the back, that i was a selfish bitch and so on.

And I genuinely don’t understand what i did wrong? I understand that some of them could be hurt by the fact that I disappeared and maybe they felt the same way as i did, but why didn’t they tried to talk to me, why is it only my fault? Am i the bad guy?

But mostly I don’t understand how i could be your best friend one day and then the next you just,,, hate me. Without asking or checking on me. One day you say that you want to travel the world with me and the next you are telling everyone i abandoned them, when YOU KNOW (because i told you and you read my tweet so that you can scold me when i say i smoked weed because you are just so perfect and better than me and need to teach me what’s healthy and what’s not) that I wasn’t answering because i was so depressed I could get out to bed or eat for days and i just decided you all didn’t loved me anymore and perhaps you never did. Not enough to come and look if i was okay at least.

Was she always so controlling? Was she mad that I wasn’t listening to her and that i was thinking with my own head? Making my own choices? Hanging out with people she didn’t approved?

Was it always like this? And maybe i never realised (well, never wanted to) because i was scared of ending up alone? Would i rather have a bad friend group than no friends at all?

She always needed an enemy, someone to fight with, someone to hate. It happened many times before. It was just a matter of time before i was the one. I wonder who would be the next.

[qwertyfingers]

suicide tw i guess sorry i just need to. say things and not have a real conversation but how the fuck am i supposed to get out of this state of mind rn when im in thjs much pain literally nothing is helping at all. even if i wasnt also strugglign mentally for other reasons this would be insane to deal with. its been 10 fucking years of just eternal decline the pain gets worse and worse im developing increasingly dangerous symptoms i literally *physically* on a chemical level can't get anywhere close to a healthy amount of sleep because everything is so fucked up in my brain. 3-5 nights a week i cant even lie down all the way because the pain gets worse because the pressures so bad and no one can help me no one can improve any of this even a little bit. maybe i get lucky and in 6-9 months time the new injection reduces the symptoms enough to get back to my previous level of disability where i [checks notes] uh 'still cant function in a basic way but at least get more than 2-3 hours of lucidity per day' and thats maybe 60% likely. 40% chance it has little-no effect and the nhs refuses to fund it long term and my literal last hope for any relief from this hell is lost. and i cant even bring myself to be hopeful about the medication working because i have lost all sense of optimism or belief in my own body and dont know that ill ever get it back. given the symptoms and my dad getting diagnosed with the same thing theres close to 100% certainty my migraines are literally just a result of spinal instability in my neck that could be fixed surgically but its literally impossible to get in the uk and the sums of money needed even just to get assessed are so astronomical it will literally never happen. i cant do this for the rest of my life! i cant spend 30-40-50-however many years exhausted and distraught and in agony with absolutely no reprieve or hope or change. whats the point! what do i have to live for? media consumption? i cant even hold a conversation online about things i like anymore. when was the last time i managed to reply more than 2-3 times before the conversation fizzled out or i got too sick to be online or i forgot i was talking at all and just disappeared. i will never be able to go back to school i will never have any kind of work that fulfils me in any way. ill probably never regain my ability to read even close to as well as before. my drawing ability will keep deteriorating and ive already lost all patience and affection for the process of making art in any form. ill never be able to regularly do the things i used to love like hike and play team sports and act on stage. ill never get back my mathematical ability ill never get to study physics like i wanted ill keep losing parts of myself by inches and miles every time something in my body deteriorates. i lost everything i cared about at 16 and the only thing that kept me alive was my hope that i could recover some semblance of it, and then i almost died a few dozen times and my hope wavered but at least i had my fucking stubbornness and now i dont rven have that. i have no spite or rage or tenacity or ferocious desire to prove myself against all the odds anymore im just tired. physically mentally spiritually its all just over and done i got nothing left to give to this fight now. what is the point of suffering through it all if the struggle is so utterly painfully meaningless.

[joon-ipersgirl]

"dance with me" - jhs twoshot

genre: strangers to lovers!au, fluff, tiny bit of angst

pairing: hobi x reader (f)

summary: this is the first part of hobi’s birthday twoshot where he meets a girl on a night out on the town but loses her (a better summary will come later)

word count: 1.8k

warnings: some cursing, mentions of alcohol, not a happy ending rn

a/n: whew it's been a minute. as per, school and work are kicking my ass but i wanted to write something for hobi's birthday. i actually finished this first half on time but was stuck on the second half before i decided i should make this into a twoshot. i'm going to finish it though, hopefully soon. i’ll edit everything later. either way, enjoy :)

full masterlist // part two

“Guys, I really shouldn’t,” Hoseok laments.

“Why not?” Jimin whines from his sprawled out position on Hoseok’s aging leather sofa. “It’s been weeks since you’ve come out with us.”

Hoseok shrugs. “I’ve just been… busy,” he finishes lamely.

“Doing what?” Jungkook challenges from the kitchen, his voice barely carrying over the low hum of the open refrigerator.

“Okay, I guess I haven’t been doing too much. I just haven’t been in the mood? Life is just a lot right now,” Hoseok says as he picks at the fraying carpet on the floor. He really should get a new one.

“So, let us help you feel better!” Jimin rolls off the sofa, narrowly missing Hoseok’s head with his legs and keeping his leather pants intact. “A night out dancing with your best friends. Maybe a few drinks. You don’t even have to bring anyone home if you don’t want to.”

Hoseok is still iffy on Jimin’s proposal. Usually, he’d be the one encouraging his friends to enjoy a night out on the town but starting his new job at the architectural firm downtown a few weeks ago had really taken its toll. He knew that he’d have a lot to learn when he started but he didn’t think it’d be this much, the new programming and drawing systems much more sophisticated than what he’d remembered during his undergraduate matriculation. Hoseok spent much of his free time practicing his skills, exhausting himself late into the night. All he wanted to do was rest but it was proving to be challenging after his friends showed up on his doorstep tonight, demanding he join them.

“I don’t know, Jimin.”

“You don’t have to know anything. Look, if you aren’t having a good time by midnight, I’ll call you a cab home myself,” Jimin offers. “And Jungkook will buy you your first three drinks,” he tacks on after seeing Hoseok’s unwavering expression.

“Hey!” Jungkook exclaims from the entryway.

“It’s the least you could do, Jungkook. You’re literally eating him out of house and home right now,” Jimin says, pointing to the roll of kimbap Jungkook has in his hands.

“You can’t drink on an empty stomach,” the younger one counters.

“You ate an hour ago.”

“Fair enough,” Jungkook concedes. “Get dressed, Hobi. Drinks are on me,” he finishes around a mouthful of food. Jimin beams, turning to Hoseok.

Sighing, Hoseok reluctantly drags himself to his feet. “Fine. But you’re buying me drinks and dinner. Nope. I don’t want to hear it,” he says, holding up a finger. “Give me ten minutes.”

“Yes!” Jimin cheers as Hoseok heads to his room.

Twenty five minutes later, the three young men arrive at Antarri’s. Known for its strong drinks and booming bass, Antarri’s had become their regular stomping ground. It was safe to say a few other patrons recognized them in the dark; the trio’s dance reputation preceded them. On any given weekend the establishment would be flooded with young people ready to let loose their frustrations. The proximity of the city’s two major universities being just over a stone’s throw away may also help.

“Okay! Shots first!” Jimin yells over the incessant chatter. Hoseok shakes his head but follows his friend deeper into the club.

“What should we get?”

“Nothing too crazy -” Hoseok starts.

“Tequila!” Jungkook interrupts, waving his arm frantically for the bartender’s attention. Both Jimin and Hoseok blanch at the suggestion. “What? I’m buying. I should get to choose.”

Jimin shrugs. “He is buying.”

Hoseok rubs his forehead, already feeling the splitting migraine he’d have tomorrow morning. Alcohol never seemed to agree with him and he’d learned many times what pushing his limit did to him. Still, he doesn’t protest when Jungkook orders, “Your finest shots of tequila, my good sir.”

Maybe the night would pass by faster this way.

“Okay guys. What’s the game plan?” Jungkook asks around a mouthful of lime.

“Just have fun. If you’re leaving, send a text will you? I don’t want another repeat of last time,” Jimin huffs and sets his shot glass down on the counter.

“I wasn’t even gone for that long!”

“You came back the following evening missing your shirt and a shoe, Jungkook,” Jimin frowns.

“Okay but -“

“Guys,” Hoseok interjects. “Not the time.”

“Right. This is about you, Hobi. We’re going to have a great time. And you -“ Jimin points his finger at Jungkook.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll text the chat that I’m alive. Let’s go!” Jungkook says, pushing off the stool and heading into the crowd.

Hoseok shakes his head at his younger friend. He worried about his safety sometimes.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Jimin checks in.

“Yeah, yeah. Go have fun. I’ll see you in there,” Hoseok responds. Nodding, Jimin pats him on the arm before setting off.

“Remember, I’ll call you a cab if you aren’t having fun,” he calls over his shoulder and then disappears.

Moving over to a less crowded part of the bar, Hoseok leans against the wall. Already his shirt is starting to stick to his skin. The music blares at an obscene level he feels in his bones and he welcomes the feeling.

Though an architect by trade, Hoseok knew his way around a dance floor. He wasn’t captain of the university’s dance team for no reason. Music was a language Hoseok translated with his body, each syllable corresponding to a particular movement as he listened to each rhythm and rhyme. Closing his eyes, he lets it speak it to him.

It doesn’t take long for him to get lost in the feeling. Limbs moving freely, Hoseok glides across the floor easily. He’s not concerned with the curious onlookers as he grooves to one of Billboard’s latest bangers. A small crowd has started to form around him but Hoseok ignores them as he spins through a move. Then, he sees you.

His body sputters through the movement until he slows to a gentle rock, eyes trying to focus on you through the pockets between people’s heads. You aren’t looking at him. Too engrossed in your own movement as you vibe with the music. Hoseok almost feels as though he’s watching himself dance. Intrigued, he moves closer.

He’s pretty sure he’s never seen you here before. Granted he doesn’t remember every face he sees but Hoseok is positive he would remember you because of the way you move. Blinking, he feels like he’s in a trance as he watches you turn, your hips swaying in time with the beat. Hoseok realizes he’s not the only one watching you. A few other guys have gathered but you ignore their presence, favoring to dance alone. Hoseok chews his lip. Did he even have a chance?

The music changes and Hoseok watches you change your movement to match the tempo seamlessly. He smiles. He would do exactly the same. Smooth RnB filters out over the sound system and Hoseok calms his beating heart, finding his own rhythm again as he slips back into his translation. When he turns, he makes eye contact with you, a small smile on your lips as you regard him. He’s pretty sure it’s the alcohol that makes him bold enough to take a step towards you.

Though you don’t move closer, your eyes don’t leave Hoseok’s. A silent exchange happens between you as you continue dancing and Hoseok matches your movements while maintaining his distance. Hoseok nearly holds his breath as you tentatively step closer. If he were to reach out, he’d surely be able to touch you. He doesn’t though. The two of you continue to dance in front of one another, though not with each other as the song changes.

When you turn - back towards him and continue dancing - Hoseok isn’t too sure of what to do. He doesn’t want to impose and ruin your night but he sure as hell would love to dance with you. He takes another tentative step forward, the space between you what chaperones at prom would call encroaching on dangerous territory. Still, he doesn’t touch you though he’s sure you can feel his breath dance across your skin.

It’s you who makes the final move.

He feels your fingertips brush against the outside of his thigh until your fingers wrap around his and place them on your hip. Jeans slung low on your waist, Hoseok’s thumb rests against your bare skin. He lets his other hand settle on the outside of your thigh, his touch light so not to scare you.

Chest against your back, Hoseok matches his hips with yours, the swell of your ass pressed tightly to his crotch. When you curl your arm around the back of his neck, fingers splayed in the hairs at his nape, Hoseok squeezes you in reflex. The heat of Antarri’s only grows worse as you continue to dance and another small crowd gathers to watch you.

Hoseok has never felt so at ease dancing with another human being. He feels like you’ve been partners since you were three and took classical ballroom together for eighteen years. You read his movements and he reads yours as you trade the role of leader and follower back and forth. In all honesty, Hoseok doesn’t want the night to end, especially when you hit a particularly dangerous move - bending at the waist with your hands on your knees, the push back firm as his hand ghosts your back. He has to stifle a groan at the sight, more than a few ungentlemanly thoughts surfacing in response.

Spinning you around, Hoseok gazes down at you as he slots one of his legs between yours. A gentle smile crosses your face and you rest your hands loosely around his neck. Hoseok gently brushes your damp hair from your forehead. You don’t look away as his hand comes to rest under your jaw. He watches your tongue swipe against your bottom lip as he wraps his arm around -

“Y/N!”

The moment is broken at the scream of what Hoseok assumes is your name.

“Y/N, come on! We have to go! Code Blue!” Hoseok loosens his hold on you as you step away. Before either of you can utter a word, your friend is pulling you through the crowd and away from him. Over the din of the music, he faintly hears you call a “Sorry!” as you disappear.

Stunned, Hoseok stands in the middle of the crowd as your figure slowly becomes lost in the sea of swaying bodies. He feels like he’s just stepped out of a sauna, the trance you placed him in lifting as people start to fill in the space around him now that the show is over. Hoseok rubs his face in frustration. How could he have let you leave like that? How was he supposed to find you?

“Hobi! Hey Hobi!” Hoseok turns at the sound of his name to see Jimin elbowing his way through the crowd. “Hey, are you okay?”

Sighing, Hoseok nods.

“Okay,” Jimin says wearily. “Do you want to leave?”

“No, it’s okay. Jungkook still owes me two more shots. I gotta collect.”

Jimin grins. “That’s the spirit! Come on, let’s go.”

Tossing one last longing look to what was supposed to be a promising night, Hoseok follows his friend to the bar to forget what could have happened.

full masterlist // part two

joon-ipersgirl, 2021

[luvuwite]

all, go

i hate you

1. What was the last present you gave?

uMMMM probably a commission i gave to pancake (archie/vivi)

 2. What was the last present you received? 

i dunno? if its a doodle then i got that a week back!

3. What animal best represents your personality? 

from the oOoOO spirit animal tests i took im a snek

4. What are you most afraid of? 

sometimes my own mind EYES EMOJI

5. Who is your favourite villain? 

HMMMMMMM probably like,, megamind i love him

6. Who is your favourite family member? (we all have one, admit it)

MY SISTERRRR

7. If you could name your own planet what would it be called? 

myanus

8. Stars or Moon? 

stars!!

9. Do you have/want kinds? 

if my other partner wants them, sure

10. What is your greatest life goal? 

making it this far

11. What is something you can’t live without? 

soup

12. What is a place you associate with your childhood? 

one of the parks near the store-area

13. How was your first kiss/how would you like your first kiss to go? 

i never kissed, so i wouldn’t know, but pls,,,ask for consent,,, and warn me if we gonna kiss or not,,,,,

14. What is some life advice you have acquired? 

ive learned a lil’ bit, but one of em probably has to be to just be like,, dont cry over something you know is fake, at least thats what i remember atm HAHA

15. Who in history has influenced you? 

bruh i dont like history idk

16. What is something strange that you think about often? 

h,,,hopless romantic noISIJEIORQ AHHAHA i like to think about weird scenarios in my head basically

17. Baths or Showers? 

showrr i get shy with myself in baths

18. Tea of Coffee? 

coffee

19. Alcohol or soft drink? 

alchohol bad brisk brisk brisk

20. Writing or typing? 

typing since its easier

21. What is you most favourite thing in your bedroom? 

my bed its sexy and comfy

22. Spontaneous holiday! Where are you going and with who? 

wait what UH I DONT KNOW probably just close close friends and family

23. Introverted or Extraverted? 

i have my moments with both

24. Describe yourself in two words. 

small and aggressive

31. What do you think of when you hear ‘portrait’? 

a picture or image of someone/something

32. Tell me about your partner/ideal partner? 

i mean no one is perfect yeah? i just want them to be honest with me and accept my AHEM struGGLES with relationships since im not the best partner

33. Tell me about your siblings, if you have any? 

my sister is what you call a “girly girl”, she likes disney movies, outdoors, being loud and running around, yknow just like any other child ever

35. What are you a big advocate for? 

my friends!!

36. If you’re comfortable to answer, what is the sickest you have ever been?

migraine + stomach bug + mental in trash +  stomach pains + lil appendix pain

37. When were you the most scared in your life? 

when i broke my arm

38. Ever had a paranormal experience? 

ACTUALLY YEAH i thought i heard someone yelling help outside my window and i peaked out and realized it was nothing and i figured i was just tired but i was still kinda freaked

39. Biggest celebrity crush at the moment? 

im not like other girls,,,,....

40. What is something happening in your life right now? 

uhhh just general anxiousness/paranoia(?) tbh

41. What is your favourite mythological creature? 

DRAAAAGOOOOOON

42. Marvel or DC?

dont know what those are

43. What object would be on your family’s banner? 

soup

44. Favourite flower? 

pink rose

45. One characteristic you like in a partner? 

s,,,support/reassurance pls

46. What planet/star would you travel to if it were possible? 

i wanna,,,, actually i dont know i think i would just enjoy floating around in general 

47. What is your favourite meal… ever? 

soup

48. First time…. doing anything. Describe your first time doing something? 

first time i drew was twiggit sperkl and that was the most proudest i ever felt

49. Who is your favourite superhero? 

bRUHHH I DUNNO I DONT WATCH THAT STUF

50. What is your favourite poem? Recite it?

i dont read

51. What is an exercise you despise doing. 

burpees

52. Secret talent? 

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

fite

53. Current song on replay replay replay? 

[x]

55. If you weren’t in your current occupation what would you be doing? 

sleeping probably

56. What is the first thing you notice about the person you fancy?

,,y,yo they kinda,,,, scrumptious,,, AHUIWRWQI 

57. If you had one wish that would definitely come true, what would it be? 

yes

58. If you could time travel, when and where would you visit? 

i would go to future bc i wanna see what i look like

59. What is your lucky number? 

5

60. If you adopt a pet what would it be and what would you name it? 

a cat!! and i actually am planning a name and calling them clementine!! 

61. Do you believe in fate/everything happens for a reason?

i believe your fate is decided by ur own actions/words

 62. What is your favourite thing about your personality? 

im not too hard to get along with,, i hope

63. What is your favourite thing about your appearance? 

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

64. What is your favourite clothing store? 

primark bc everything is like 2 bucks

65. What is your favourite online store? 

i dont do online shopping too much

66. Use one word to describe your most favourite person? 

observant 

67. How do you usually have your hair?

down with a clip, then ponytail next day

 68. What was your favourite subject in high school? 

math

69. What makes you feel empowered? 

power over something/someone(as a joke/in games, not in a bad way)

70. What motivates you to do something? 

a prize at the end

71. What advice would you give someone who is going through a rough time? 

it gets worse before it gets better, and in the worse ill be there for you so you dont have to go through this alone

72. Ideal date? 

wendys!!! sweater weather!!! cuddle!!! left 4 dead!!! comfy clothes!!!

73. What is the best date night movie? 

i am not that attractive to be taken out on a date

74. What is something you are currently looking forward to? 

nothing atm tbh im just here bc i have to beIEOJRWIOE

75. Tell me a funny joke? 

oo wa oh wa ooh

76. Do you like musicals? If so, what’s your favourite? 

never listened to one actually

77. What is your favourite song currently? 

sweater weather. always.

78. What song never fails to make you dance? 

POP EYED JOEEEEE IVE BEEN LIVING???? LONG TIME YOOO

79. What is your favourite “classic?”

gnomeo and juliet

 80. What is the best advice you have ever been given? 

obese paragraph and comfort doodles? lets go

81. Where did you ancestors come from? 

puerto rico

82. What have you learned from your parents/guardians? 

be tough nugget and dont take shit seriously till you have to

83. What is a phrase you heard a lot growing up? 

dont step on the crack or youll break ur mothers back

84. Do you believe in magic? 

nnno

85. What reminds you of your best friend? 

overwatch

86. What are you passionate about? 

dance dance dance

87. Tell me a story from middle school? 

one time

the end

88. Who was your favourite teacher and why?

i love my bio teacher rn bro shes such a sweetheart

 89. Can you roll your tongue? 

yes

90. What made you pursue what you are studying? (including school subjects) 

my little pony

91. Where would you like to travel to? 

japan for those toys gimme gimme

92. What is something on your bucket-list? 

i wanna see coral reef

93. What is home to you? 

place that brings feeling of comfort/security

94. What do you do in your free time? 

draw

95. If you could buy anything right now, what would it be? 

food

96. If you could see anyone, living or dead, right now, who would it be? 

probs one of my online friends

97. If you could choose, what would your last meal be? 

soup dumplings brisk and rice

98. How would you like to die? 

happy

99. List five of your favourite pieces of art (paintings, books, songs etc) 

ruby eyes / sweater weather / ponyo / wall-e / idk

100. What would you change about this world?

global warming SHOOO U FAT

[foxxysierra-2]

A “Me” Update

30 July 20

I keep tearing up and crying lol spurts here and there. And I let it. I feel it. It as soon as I acknowledge it, it stops again. I know I need a good cry. I need to let it out.

Had a spurt today.

And I told Hubby sorry and that I know I need to cry. Then the tears dried up. I feel them behind my eyes, but I won’t rain down on me. Had some amazing things happen today, even with all my anxiety spilling over in weird circumstances.

1. Hubby opened up to me about all the stresses happening right now. A lot at work. There’s a lot more than I had realized. And how it’s taking a toll on him. And he knows it’s my instinct to “run” to “hide” when things are stressful. And he asked me to please fight against that urge and to try to stay with him. Try to calm him, if I can. Cuz he needs me. He doesn’t need more time alone with his thoughts; he has enough of that.

2. He told me he wants me to come work on my studio corner minimum 10 mins every day. Just 10 mins. I fought against myself that whole time today. Worked in there about 45 mins because I’d get to a stopping point and he would help me, opening the option to actually do more. But fighting my stubborn super emotional inner self too. Cuz I kept telling myself what’s the point. And then saying how wonderful that he is guiding me. And if he did this for me I should work a lil more to show I appreciate him doing this esp while he is working. And then getting sad again because he kept referring to it as a desk and suggesting moving things around back and forth. But that’s not how art works. At least not for me. Esp afte having kids. Even more so with him working at home and needing to keep them quiet. I can work a little the. It needs to sit there without getting scratched up, etc. This is when the tears came.

3. He told me he understood and to pack up nonart things and nonessentials that we do t have the room or time to use rn and we can unpacked whenever we get a larger place. He reiterated that was not to include art supplies. He said I should be proud. Know I g where my mind went we i first came in to work on the area: thinking I’ll never be able to do art ever again in my whole life lol....yup... He pointed out everything I worked on, that it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t the permanent location but easier to get there, easier to organize, easier to maintain. Pointed out that there were only a couple things blocking my table top now and gave suggestions for next time I come in to work on that area. 🥰🥰🥰 (I need to explain how much I crave and need that kind of dominance)

4. I cried a little. Again. Explaining how overwhelmed I am. I can never get ahead. I can never get caught up. Things keep breaking...important things. There are sooooo many interruptions. I’m not sleeping etc. He just listened... it was amazing... we had so many productive conversations this morning. I told him some thoughts on what could help me and asked how he felt about them. He is on board. I just need helpers on board. I need to make a family phone call and hold my breath they will agree. Hubby gave me some options to offer for incentive. Hopefully I will be kid free for x amount of days, fill up with coffee and fun tunes and move my booty to get as much done as I possibly can during that time! And I’m so glad he heard me put on everything. Fingers crossed it comes into fruition.

5. Hubby told me to take a bath (that’s where I am to lol) and to reward myself with something g I like to do. No phone. No tablet. Go outside and draw or play games with the kid’s etc. bath doesn’t count.

6. Just talked to him about all the stuff today being what I crave from him and hoping in helped him mentally today too and I’ll try not to fight him so much and thanked him for guiding me. And we just had another long productive conversation. Explaining not just sexual dominance...esp since that’s not realistic with both our want s and needs. I’m going to research more so I can better explain myself. He was so calm so far today and gentle with me... He still wants me to keep an open mind and be up for discussion with HW stuff in the future.

7. Last night I had another migraine that caused me to feel physically sick. He told me to lay down for a bit. He took care of the kids and dinner and bedtime. It was wonderful.

8. I actually feel some weight lifted and feel less anxious. And excited for things to come.

@kkinkykitten my first #substories if this counts. If not, I’ll remove tag.

[touchmycoat]

5, 6 (i already know this is some insane amount), 9, 10, 16, 23, 26 (house)

BAAABE :*

5. What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

my office cubicle apparently kdsjfnksd

no but genuinely anywhere i can zone out. i make faces & mutter to myself when i write tho so, anywhere where that wouldn’t draw weird glances lmfao

6. If you’re really concentrating, how many words can you write in a day?

bahahaha i think Farmer’s Almanac holds the record rn—10k, give or take.

9. Do you prefer to write AUs, canon divergence, or canon-compliant fic?

#selfintrospection, my pattern per fandom seems to be starting with canon divergence! I’m a side characters ho, y’all know this, so I always like to recenter the narrative & get a surer foothold in my own interpretations of character first. but after that.... no preference! I love (and have written) all three to great enjoyment heheheh just depends on where i wanna see ‘em fuck

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

NFJDNFJDNFJD HOW CAN I CHOOSE

Exposition is sexy, and i get to be the most experimental & excessive & self-indulgent here w/ style choices.

Dialogue is sexy, ‘cause voices and humor and dirty talk and heartbreak and communication!!! I’m a movie ho so i’m all about that plot-driving script game ;;;;

Plot is sexy ‘cause that’s where you get to fuck around with all the canon themes, subvert & avert & redistribute them!!!!!!!! I’m a slut for that!!!!!!!!!

can’t choose won’t choose :’D

16. What is your most underrated fic?

LMFAO you know i’m gonna say Sword of the Yi Maiden ;) she’s basically like, our child ;;

23. If you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

well once i sort out the single dad!Song Lan universe, i’d loooooove to switch gears & swerve into single dad!Xiao Xingchen B) just for kicks. But where Song Lan is like, a high school lit teacher and A-Qing is our favorite local delinquent child. XXC gets called in for a parent-teacher conference, and he’s actually kind of dreading it at first because AQ honestly never had too many complaints about the English teacher, so if this Song Laoshi was suddenly going to betray his daughter’s trust and tattle on her XXC would def take AQ’s side.

But! Turns out SL’s calling him in to be like “hey, AQ never does homework but is fine with participating in class if i kind of trick her into arguing about it, so i figured she just really doesn’t like being told what to do. That’s fine! But that also means I don’t think she’ll respond well to me sitting her down to talk about her higher education options, so I figured I’d run it past the parent first to see if you have any thoughts about how we’re going to proceed.”

it’d be SO fucking funny... AQ stops skipping class or stops zoning out the moment she catches onto her dad’s little ~thing for Song Laoshi. She starts challenging him in class instead on every little thing (”yeah but don’t you think it’s inherently racist to require us to read conrad at all, if there are so many books out there written by actual African postcolonial authors”) but he’s just happy she’s engaging so they bond

they’re both super proud and near tears at graduation, and AQ is too but to hide her own embarrassingly feelings she’s like “don’t pretend y’all aren’t just crying ‘cause you can finally date each other now that it won’t be fucking WEIRD for me”

26. Which part of House was the hardest to write?

hmmmmm I think I had the most number of false starts w ch. 3!! i never save shit rip but at one point i straight up had like.... 13 pages all blacked out? Oh i remember, the scene where AQ first tests SL. I had that set in like, the breakfast stall, in a busy street, a quiet street, etc. etc. I was putting each of their conversations in different contexts too, just seeing how they would play out based on the surroundings??? i even thought about dropping AQ’s POV completely at one point but I’m very glad i didn’t. The current version is actually the very first opening for the chapter i ever wrote so, el oh el, i try not to think all that effort went to waste. It’s more like, I had some ideas, but i had to prove none of them would work before i could proceed with this one, y’know?

BUT TELL YOU WHAT I DID SAVE THO. The first draft of the Ch. 2 opening? After I wrote this i was like “yikes this is way too conventional a set-up for a flashback let’s just do it,” and wrote the current version on ao3 lmao. I kept the chapped knuckles thing~

Under the Cut:

((Behind the Scenes of Fic Writing Asks!))

Song Lan stood at the entrance of his room in the inn, fist clenched hard around Fuxue’s hilt as the rain came in. Night had been the herald, and now, the lantern at the top of the stairs to Song Lan’s left was flickering wildly, buffeted about by the stormy wind.

The inn’s owner, an older woman in her 50s, spoke a string of worried utterances as she hurried up the stairs to close the window. As her hands approached the latch though, Song Lan sensed bloodthirst. Fuxue went flying.

The woman screamed, but the harm was over; a mutated critter of a hungry ghost slumped against the window frame, pinned there by Fuxue’s cool blade. Instead of closing the window for her, Song Lan pressed two paper talismans on either side. He pulled out Fuxue and watched the hungry ghost dissipate.

“Daozhang, daozhang, gratitude,” the woman wept. “A few here and there is nothing, you know? But once they begin to stay, and bigger things start to come, and we have young ones in the house, oh, it terrifies me, what state this city has been falling into…”

Fuxue returned to its sheathe, and Song Lan still had his fly-whisk tucked in his arm. He gave the inn owner a polite bow.

“I will attempt an extermination tonight.”

“Daozhang is so reliable,” the woman said, tears instantly transforming into simpering gratitude. Her distress had been in part a show, meant to move Song Lan into action. Song Lan did not mind; this was his third night at the inn, after all, and the second time the inn owner’s requested a favor from him. It stood to reason that she would think he needs more affective convincing, even if she’s wrong.

“I may trouble you for tea upon my return,” he murmured. When the woman reached out to pat his elbow in a matronly gesture, Song Lan stepped back, disguising the gesture as a readjustment of his robes as he replaced the stack of talismans back in his sleeve.

“Of course,” she replied, hand waving in the air before lowering back down to her side. A spot of tension eased at the base of Song Lan’s neck. “The stove never stops burning in our kitchen, particularly when we have guests. Just give our door a knock if the evening chef isn’t around. We’ll take care of you.”

Song Lan was grateful. He’d need the hot drink when he returned from the rain—soaking in the deluge always left his skin feeling beaten and bloated. And the sensation, if untreated, never failed to transform itself into two long iron nails hammered deep into his skull and brain. The pain was best avoided if at all possible.

(Xiao XingChen knew this about him. Nothing’s ever eased the migraines faster than XingChen’s smile as he wordlessly pushed a cup of hot water or tea across the table. Nothing’s ever distracted Song Lan from the pain more effectively than wondering exactly what would happen, if XingChen’s fingers lingered and his own could touch, just lightly, those perpetually chapped knuckles.)

(Take better care of yourself, Song Lan had once chastised when blood came seeping up between cracked skin.

I forget to, XingChen had confessed, sheepish lines crinkling around his eyes.

Had Song Lan been anybody else, he would’ve said out loud what he wished he could’ve said out loud: I’ll do it then.

Had Song Lan been anybody else, he would’ve thumbed a layer of protective grease over Xiao XingChen’s dry hands himself, save them both the need for cheesy lines and impotent promises. Words often got him into trouble, he knew this; he much preferred the vows made in every shared action that was mutually fostered into consistency. But what did it say about him, that his hands flinched from touch and Xiao XingChen walked at a careful radius around him, that he couldn’t make a vow on any level that counted?)

The extermination was no reprieve from the discomfort, the dissatisfaction, the disassembly of it all. The sky was falling apart and so was his skin. Moderation was less a stranger to Song Lan than longing, but tonight, the berating of his body was not moderated at all.

A year of searching, over, just like that.

An opportunity to apologize, gone, just like that.

A promise.

A dream.

So do you like him then? You want to really build a family with him?

Gone. Just like that.

[joy-the-vamp]

Twilight Tag Game !!!

i was tagged by @janes-eyebrows , which thank you so much for tagging me, i love getting tagged in things so much :))))))

@sweaterbella is the creator of this game! :)

rules: copy/paste this and fill in the blanks to describe your twilight self insert oc, then tag ten people, and tag me so i can see it! feel free to modify what you need to if you want your character to be volturi/human/werewolf/etc. feel free to be as ridiculous or as sincere as you like.

name: pre-vampire: Aurora Jade Monroe

post-vampire: Scarlett Ophelia Cullen

appearance: She is 5'7, long curly red hair, and is pale because of ginger genetics plus when you're a vampire, you get hella pale !! She's 18 but can pass for anywhere between 15 - 20, for immortal reasons. When she was a human she had freckles and was sad to see that they had disappeared after she was turned. Lucky for her, she can still draw them on if she'd like to. As a human, her eyes were green but as a vampire they are an amber-almost-honey color. She really is into fashion (which is one of the many reasons why she became best friends with Alice) so she always wears hella cute clothing and even has dabbled into making some of her own (though shes not very good at that but hey shes trying)

personality: ENFP, though she considers herself to be more of an ambivert. When she needs time to herself, she goes off into the forest and sings to herself or listens to music. She gets a long with people very well as long as theyre good people. Though she considers herself to be a strong person, looking back on her human life, she did consider herself to be a bit of a dormat. Shes taking this oppurtunity at a new life to reinvent herself for the better. She decided to start that with changing her name. Though she didn't hate her human name, she felt that her old self is dead and that this would not only help her move on from her old life but to be able to better herself. She had loved the name Ophelia ever since she saw Hamlet. She made it her middle name since it sounded too old to be her first name. The name Scarlett had always just sounded so lovely to her so she was immediately drawn to it. She wants to live her new life with a love-filled heart but to always make sure to not let people step on her, which she is working on the latter.

hobbies: singing, drawing, reading, writing, getting vintage stuff (like from a lot of different eras), trying to learn how to sew and make clothes

diet: vegetarian with the accidental human a few times when she was a newborn

How they became a vamp: She was turned by Carlisle when she was 18. She hadn't been careful while in the woods and fell into a ditch where she hit her head on a rock.

How they fit into the plot: She is turned right before they move to a new town and because shes a ginger, she can easily pass as Edward's twin sister

vampire superability: She has telekinesis

Best friend: Alice !!!!

significant other: For right now, none, but maybe in the future Rosalie or maybe Jasper. This would have to be a universe where whoever it would be, didn't already have a s/o cause we don't stan affairs in the Cullen house

Fun fact: She used to have to wear glasses and contacts when she was a human but now that shes a vampire, she doesn't need them but she liked how her glasses looked so she sometimes wears the frames still cause theyre hella cute!! Shes thankful though thay her vampirism cured her migraines though cause she used to get those a lot growing up. She also misses her family and felt bad about having to leave them

I’m tagging: @toprosalie @jaspersthebomb @softjaspers @mbav3rdseason @su-angelvicioso (plus anyone else who wants to can do it, theres more people i wanted to tag but its very late at night/early in the morning and i cant think rn lmao)

[shitthehousessay]

 Alright, it took a day (albeit I haven't really had much of a chance to work on it), but it's finally done. Here's my responses to the 102 questions^^. I probably put too much personal info on this site lol.

I’m doing this on my laptop because of how long it is, but answers are under the cut. Hope you enjoy random tidbits about me!

--Zero (the [other] Ravenclaw)

1. What is their full name?

While I usually use and prefer Zero Ace as an online name, my irl name is Solomon.

2. Zodiac sign

Pisces

3. In detail describe how they look

I'm 5'10" with a build like Shaggy Rodgers. I'm about,,,, less than 120lbs (that's a guess really, it's probably way less or slightly more.). You ever see a cloud? Yeah, imagine one as black wavy/curly hair with red tips (natural, not dyed) that goes to about the bottom of my neck. Brown eyes, half philipino (no, I don't know any of the language), decent moustache, and I've been told by various people that they thought I was a stoner when they first met me.

4. How old are they?

I am 16

5. What clothes to they like to wear?

I don't really have any kind of set style either. I usually just go with whatever's comfy for me.

6. What’s their favorite piece of clothing?

I've got this really soft brown fake leather jacket that my dad got me about two or three years ago that I used to wear consistently, but I'm not sure if I have a 'favorite'.

7. Any piercings?

Nope

8. Do they have any other jewelry they wear?

I wear a Timex Ironman analogue watch that I got at Walmart a few years ago ('twas on sale) and a ring with a part that spins in the middle that I bought in like sixth grade at the Newseum in DC.

9. Any tattoos?

Nah

10. How old are they?

See above

11. What do they smell like?

Idk, disappointment probably

12. What are their four trinkets?

(I'm gonna do stuff on my school backpack for this one) -- I've got a Ministry of Magic keychain, a Pokeball keychain, a Spiderman keychain, and a Ravenclaw house emblem pin.

13. GOVERNMENT MANDATED FERSONA

Roomba with a knife taped to it

14. What kind of magic are they good at?

Accidental Procrastination, aka Time Travel

15. What kind of magic are they bad at?

Luck

16. Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are they most connected to? Four: fire,air water earth. six: fire,air,water, wood,earth, metal. Seven:fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither.

Not sure if this is asking about choosing a single element or a group, so I'm gonna go with water.

17. What does their gateway look like prior to their memory loss? What does it look like afterwards?

(I'm not sure what this is asking)

18. Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory?

I have an old yellow cat named Iris and he's pretty cool. We share birthdays and he's one year older than me.

19. Have they ever cursed someone?

I have tried and I will continue to try.

20. How do they handle those headaches/migraines?

I sometimes put headphones in and listen to ambience after taking some medicine, but on some of my bad days I just wait for them to pass, even when it takes a few hours.

21. What tarot card do they connect the most with?

I'm gonna be honest: I know next to nothing about tarot cards.

22. Where were they born?

Tennessee

23. What is their favorite color?

Like a light blue or teal. Specifically though? #41A9B8

24. What is their least favorite color?

This is a tough one. I'm gonna go with like a rusty brown

25. Are they right handed, left handed or ambidextrous?

Right handed

26. What were they like as a child?

This would take a while, but I was a little shit, imo. (Also, kinda hard for me to remember specifically rn)

27. What were their parents like?

My dad's okay, he's not the best but he's doing great. My mom? Well, let's just say my opinion of her has always been pretty decent of her up until around when 2018 started.

28. Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many?

Yes, I have three half brothers, two on my mom's side (who I wish would die) and one on my dad's side.

29. Do they have any other relatives they are close with?

I've got a lot of aunts (dad's side) that I consider myself close with, along with a few cousins. There's also my Grandma and Grandpa (dad's side) that I love a lot. I also have a nephew who's about I wanna say 5 or 6 years old who's a blast to hang out with.

30. What are they afraid of?

Spiders kinda scare me. And a few things associated with low self-esteem that I don't want to mention here.

31. What do they identify as?

I am a Demi-Pansexual dude

32. Do they have any allergies?

None that I know of

33. Do they have any other medical problems?

I can't think of any specifics right now

34. What about mental health issues?

Depression and Anxiety both are self-diagnosed though. I'm waiting until after highschool, or until the age where I can legally keep things like those to myself without having to tell my parents, before I go to get them diagnosed

35. What’s that personal hygiene regimen like?

Showers at least once a day, twice if possible. Remember to try to brush your teeth, too.

36. Favorite rock or gemstone?

Amythest because it's my birthstone

37. Favorite tree?

Redwoods are pretty cool

38. Favorite type of weather?

Not too hot, not too cold and sunny and cloudless or overcast and rainy, depending on mood

39. Least favorite type of weather?

The type of cloudless hot day that just saps your energy away like nothing else

40. What is their favorite season? (remember winter is summer and spring is fall)

Winter

41. How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak?

English and very broken French

42. Do they sing or play any instruments?

I sing from time to time (albeit not very good) and I have an ocarina that I really want to take time and learn

43. What do they tend to joke about?

Self-deprecation is my go-to, then there's vine humor and some standup, then just nonsense humor (See: bORGER)

44. After a stressful day how do they relax?

Nap a bit, then some music and/or video games

45. Guilty pleasures?

Idk, I can't think of any. Sonic ‘06, maybe is the closest thing that I have to one.

46. idiosyncrasies?

I guess you could list a lot of the usual ADHD stimming methods. I also adjust my glasses from the side sometimes whenever I’m nervous/anxious or when I want to appear confident. Adjusting my watch on my wrist is also something that I do a lot. I know I have a lot more, but :/

47. How do they act when they first meet someone new? How quickly do they warm up to them?

I can be kinda timid and quiet. I usually try to listen in on conversations involving that person/people to try to find somethings that I can remember and use for initiating conversations, especially if it’s with stuff that I know a bit about. It usually takes two or three semi-long times amd well interactions spent with me for me to start being comfortable around other people. I don't warm up too quickly, unless if you can get through my barriers pretty well

48. In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge?

Love, knowledge, money, power, fame

49. List four or more things they love to do

Draw, read, talk with internet friends, play video games, browse the internet

50. List four or more things they hate to do

doing boring and uninteresting school work, being an unnecessary nuisance, hearing about family drama, engaging in school drama

51. List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are

"I'm laughing my ass off rn because the program the state is using for EOC testing was apparently hacked so we aren't testing today, but when my class heard it almost everyone started looking at me and saying I did it." [...] "Meanwhile: I nearly tripped over my backpack"

"Oh good, we get to make memes of stuff in the Louvre for extra credit. Looks like my grade is about to rise drastically."

"I’m gonna go provoke this cult so I can get asks in my inbox"

“I stole this haircut from a lion”

"I have many problems"

52. How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict?

I'm a pacifist so I try to stay out of situations like that (They bring up too many negative memories and emotions for me)

53. What kind of bad habits to they have?

I have a lot of trouble with a perfectionist mentality. It gets me into a lot of sticky situations

54. What kind of character faults do they have?

What even is self-esteem/ self-worth/ self-love????? To me, my needs come last. Self-doubt out the wazoooooo. Tons of unresolved shit. That's barely even scratching the surface.

55. What’s their best trait in their opinion?

I try to have a lot of empathy for people and I want to make people happy, even if I’m not happy.

56. What do they think of their appearance?

I like mine, at least a bit.

57. How do they interact with people in a position of authority?

Honestly, it just depends on the person. If the person in question is a dick, you better believe I’m not going to react well to their face.

58. Who did they look upto as a kid?

Mostly like video game characters from games that I played.

59. How do they interact with kids?

I like kids pretty well.

60. Do they want kids of their own someday?

I don't know. I don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can answer that right now.

61. Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship?

I'm agnostic

62. What do they think the meaning of life is?

Idk... Maybe... Self-discovery, in a way.

63. What would they want their last words to be?

There are three roads. Maybe omething meaningful, like "Thank you," maybe something vague and prophetic like, "You won't have to wait much longer," or maybe, just maybe, something like, "I'll be back bitches!!!"

64. What do they want to do before they die?

I want to make at least one game and book that people enjoy and that I will be satisfied with

65. What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die?

I would like to be remembered fondly by people who knew me.

66. How do they express affection?

I'm usually very asocial, so if I make an active effort to maintain communication with someone, then they usually mean something to me. I also send memes and stuff. Also, I try to open up a little more around people that I trust

67. What do they normally eat for breakfast?

It usually just depends on how much time I have in the morning. Can range from poptarts to a slice of toast between two pieces of bread to leftover pizza

68. Do they like spicy food?

Yeah

69. Favorite fruit and or vegetable?

Favorite fruit is probably mandarin oranges and my favorite vegetable is probably carrots

70. Do they like sweets?

On occasion

71. Do they drink alcohol? If they do, what do they act like when their drunk?

Nope, but probably like a damn fool

72. How do they take their tea/coffee?

I like sweet ice tea or maybe some herbal tea with a small bit of sugar or honey. As for coffee, I don't usually drink it, but I can drink it pure black or french vanilla

73. What food would they refuse to eat?

Most things that have a weird texture and/or smell

74. Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing?

You ever drink just straight sauces? Like A1 steak sauce or barbecue sauce? Yeah....

75. When going on the road what food could they not live without?

I need me some original ritz

76. What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia?

Not sure about nostalgia, but my school sells fresh-made chocolate chip cookies during lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I get them a lot when I'm having bad days

77. What do they do when no one’s around?

I sometimes sing and maybe hop around, but I usually just do stuff that I do when people are around (like browse tumblr)

78. How would they react if a prized possession got stolen?

Cry, feel numb, or go ballistic. There is no in-between.

79. What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery?

A better computer, that's for sure

80. What would their favorite modern invention be?

The Nintendo Switch!!

81. In a new unfamiliar place what do they do?

Observe the surroundings from the sidelines before doing anything

82. Someone just threatened them what do they do?

It depends on the situation, but I either brush it off or I take precautionary measures (like a protective order if my life is being threatened)

83. A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do?

I might try to give it back.... after I check her wallet and get some cash as an award...

84. What’s the worst thing someone has said to them?

The one that sticks out the most is probably the time when one of my older half-brothers was yelling at me and said that if I ever wonder why people say that I act like a school shooter it's because I act like one most of the time (all this stemmed because I was frustrated over a book recommendation not posting and instead of letting me silently cool down, my mom and brother kept on talking crap about me and I decided to say "Just shut up for a few minutes").

Oh, but there’s also the time when I went with my dad to the divorce case’s hearing to testify against my mom and my brothers and the judge looked at me and said “You’re 16, right? In two  years, you’ll be 18. When I was 18 I was heading to war. So, if you’re gonna cry, go do it somewhere else because I don’t want anyone coming up here and being a crybaby in my courtroom.” That fucking stunned me when he said it.

 85. What is the strangest thing they’ve ever come across?

"can i hear your belly" has to be the weirdest and most unsettling direct message that I have ever gotten from someone who isn't a bot and it haunts me to this day

86. Someone just stole food from them what do they do?

I don't usually eat a lot, so if someone takes food from me I don't really care.

87. They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next?

I would check to see if there was anything I want to make sure that my family and friends and people who are close to me that haven’t experienced mental illnesses like depression or anxiety to never develop any mental illnesses as long as they live, before anything.

88. As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult? ie. When I grow up I’m going to _______

My dream has always been and continues to be to become a successful video game developer and/or producer. I want to help create worlds to escape to when the real world becomes a bit too overbearing.

89. What’s their D&D alignment?

I consider myself a neutral good

90. What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done?

Oof, that's a long list. Probably entering the crawlspace under my Grandma's house too fast and getting a part of my lower back pretty bad. Boy, did it leave a pretty big scar.

91. Have they ever got in trouble with the law or been arrested?

Nope

92. Do they know how to win a fight?

I like to think so. I'm not going to not play dirty if I feel like I'm in danger. Also try to use the environment to your advantage if possible.

93. Are they good at hand to hand combat?

I dunno. I doubt it, but I haven't really tried.

94. Have they ever stolen something?

I have, but really only minor things and only from people that I hate

95. Have they ever killed someone?

Not yet, :p

96. What/who do they find disgusting?

I can't look at stuff or pictures like decaying stuff (like dead stuff) without gagging

97. What upsets them the most?

Conflict mostly. The thought that I'm bothering people also does it. And I feel odd, to say the least about physical contact.

98. What anime character would they be?

I feel like maybe Fafnir (Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid) or either Shinra or Mikado (Durarara!) could fit me.

99. What disney character would they be?

I didn't really know about this one, so I asked a few of my friends and one of them [the one who actually answered my question with an actual Disney character] said that I remind them of Sora from Kingdom Hearts, on the grounds that I've "got a good heart" and I'm "always confused". It was the nicest thing I've heard all week^^

100. What monster would they be?

Knife-wielding tentacle

101. What mythological figure would they be?

Tbh, I don't know enough mythology off the top of my head to answer this question.

102. List three songs that you associate with them.

Hmm.... this one is very tough for me because there are different songs that define different points in my life... As for songs that kinda aren’t bound by specific points in my life, even if I haven’t known these songs all my life, I'm thinking that these could fit the best here:

ECHO (feat. GUMI) by Crusher-P

Simple Life by Fox Stevenson

Canonball (Mythos Remix) from Megaman Zero 3

Anyway, I hope you now know a little more about me now. Do what you will with the information, I guess  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . It’s really late for me and I’m really tired so I may go ahead and get some sleep for tonight. Have a good one everyone^^ !

[mcrmadness]

I literally am not a morning person. My head woke me up before 8am today for no good reason. I had slept about 6 hours or something but it's insane how I'm way more tired today than what I was yesterday when I slept 5-6 hours but woke up around noon instead.

It's 3pm, I have watched 3 or 4 episodes of Gotham and it's already getting dark outside and I just................. I am so tired. I want to draw! I should also cook and whatnot but I'm just. My head feels so annoying because of how tired I am, and I cannot focus on anything because of sensory overload. My mouth and throat is constantly dry and I've been drinking so much water I'm starting to have anxiety over water overdose soon but my throat just keeps getting dry. I hate it because that is LITERALLY how my body reacts to water, it feels like it would be rejecting water completely. It's not just my skin that gets dry from water, it does the same for my insides. And it feels like it comes out right away after drinking water. It's so annoying.

Maybe I'll try the bright light lamp soon since it's no 6pm yet. It just that bright light has the downside of making me even more drowsy.

I also used the exercise bike just now in case it would make me wake up and more energetic but nope. Still tired as heck. I just want to take a nap but I know my naps always last for 5-7 hours and I need to be somewhere by 1pm tomorrow so I cannot really go to sleep now and wake up around 10pm only so that I won't be able to sleep at night.

Maybe I'll get myself something to eat now, try to see if the bright light does anything (I hope I'm not getting migraine rn) and then try to continue my comic, maybe focusing that will lead to hyperfocus and eventually distracts me from the sleepiness...

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #7 (plus some small but heartening accomplishments and a few other little frustrations)

Hmm... hmm... it’s hard to say how I’m feeling right now, a strange cocktail of refreshing see sawing determination with a little kick of spicy proudness mingled in with the usual bitterness of overhanging doubt and the chill of all those nerve-wracking fears. Tastes pretty terrible, probably an acquired taste, but unique non the less. I’m no expert at all, but I’ll give it a generous 2.3 stars overall.

Last week was... it was not so bad actually (or maybe that’s just cause I’ve forgotten a lot of it already lol). I pushed myself to try harder to do some of the things my counsellor wanted me to do, what I myself wanted to do and le gasp, it happened..! I guess her hard talk really did stir something good in me after all. To put it real brief right here for now, I went out a lot more than I usually would (just mundane stuff like shopping and supermarkets tho) and I did the phone orders thing!!!1! Not once but multiple times over three days! Yaaay! But this week I need to continue it and even one up it... boooo-- uh, I mean go me!! @w@

There were times I totally copped out though and it feels bad man as usual, but I at least tried and I was able to prove some of my presumptions and preconceived thoughts mostly wrong! It’s something! It’s a big step, an accomplishment for me, don’t downplay it silly me! *pats self on back and proceeds to go in hiding again- no no!* This week is already feeling a little bleak but I just have to toast it up a little, let myself get cosy in this newer environment by just being there and exposing myself to it more. C’mon, I can do it! ^^

Okay onto the actual counselling session, which was yesterday. I literally only just made it on time, phew haha. I was a little anxious going up to the room cause there were some other people around in the corridor but w/e no1currs really and that goes for every other situation everywhere else. When you’re absorbed and focused in what you’re doing like other people are and not constantly looking around and assuming people give a damn (which they don’t) then it’s all good!

Um, anyways she did the typical ‘how are you/have you been’ and I gave her my weekly self scoring sheet but also I told her I forgot to give her that self esteem sheet and presented that too. I told her of my achievements last week and she congratulated me, told me I needed to pat myself on the back more and that she’s glad last week actually helped get me off my butt (she said she felt kinda bad about it too, but not so much now that she saw it had a good effect kind of thing too ^^). I agree last week did help, though I definitely wouldn’t wanna go through that again though lol.

We went over the cycle from before real briefly just as a reminder that actually doing things is the best way to break it and to progress and I have this homework sheet consisting of a table with columns for my preconceived thoughts of a situation (which I am to score with a percentage I believe it), my emotions and feelings that arise, and my uhh re-scores and feelings after actually facing and going through the situation. I haven’t actually looked at the sheet since yesterday so I totally winged the explanation just then lol but it’s about linking thoughts and emotions and that’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m kinda nervous about filling it in and I’m leaving it to the end of the week to do it, which is bad, but I’ll at least know what to put in it better by then hopefully.

We went over some of the things I wrote on the self esteem sheet, some of my examples for the unhelpful negative behaviours and we discussed them for a while but only got through a few. She said she’d go over the other ones next time, we agreed I should continue to do what I did last week but maybe try even harder. (There’s lots of small details in the discussions which I can’t remember properly or can’t place in the right time slot rn oh welp ><”)

Then the session ended there (15 mins early) idk why though. But now that I think about it, maybe there was nothing else left to say or not much plan or other things needed to discuss in particular for the last 3 sessions so maybe just try and stretch what content we have on hand to discuss kind of thing? Or maybe she needed to go somewhere like the toilet? lol who knows xD 

I was feeling the session felt pretty short (my explanation also), but wasn’t all that bothered about it tbh, I’m not paying for it or anything and it gave me a little time to do other stuff before meeting with my sis. I plucked up the courage to go to a shop on my own again, I had a few things in mind that I actually wanted to look for which like the counsellor has said before will make it easier to motivate and immerse myself into doing things. I think I might write about this experience on the feelings-thoughts sheet. 

So, I went in, a little uneasy at first, but not as much as if it would have been a place I’ve never stepped foot into before. I perused at my leisure and tried my hardest not to be overly conscious of other people around, which I noted to myself do actually going about their own stuff and don’t pay you any mind at all which lessened the nerves a lot. I found some things I wanted, and this was another relief as I always get that niggling feeling that if I leave without buying they’ll think I stole something (but looking around the internets randomly, I came to know that this is a super common feeling which is comforting and I shouldn’t worry about it too much because so what if I didn’t buy anything, I just couldn’t find anything I wanted and that is totally fine!).

Partway in the last leg of my perusing, my sis phoned me and told me to hurry up and all that stuff and it kinda made me feel real antsy. I continued looking though at a slightly faster pace but she ended up calling outside and told me to hurry up even more and was waiting for me outside so I cut my browsing short and hurried to pay and felt pretty down about it. When paying I queued up behind a group of guys and felt self-conscious but well, they no care really and I got over it and ignored the thought. 

I went to the self serve till (the only kind open, so I wasn’t avoiding or anything) and proceeded to pay and I’m so glad I know how to use them as we use them most of the time my sis goes to the supermarket with me lol but I still was feeling pretty self-conscious and the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ still gives me nerves and it happened twice to me but the assistant came over and fixed it straight away without me saying anything (which was a relief because I was feeling a little cowardly by then, but I would’ve been a little prouder of myself for actually asking).

I went with my sis to some other shops after that, I voiced that she was being quite mean on the phone and later she apologised, she was in a pretty bad mood in general and also the car park time wasn’t much and most of the bad feeling was dissolved. We then went to some other other shops with my mum in addition and I went off on my own to peruse which was nice though I couldn’t find anything I wanted, but it’s best not to waste monies on things I don’t need anyways. I got kind of sickly on the way home which wasn’t great but the general day was pretty alright.

There was somewhere else I wanted to go and me and my sis planned to go soon after but it was delayed and later I just kind of chickened out and took a nap instead :/ I was really tired and still sickly feeling though. I hope to get this sorted out this week still though, maybe I’ll tag along with my parents this time round, it’ll be okay! ^^

I also went to see a specialist doctor, I got a phone call for the appointment two days before the actual day (probably someone else cancelled) and I took it. I could’ve said no and waited even longer, but I didn’t, because health is important and should be dealt with asap! I wish I could bring myself to apply this to some of my other worries, but I’ll get there. Anyways it went alright, the typical general treatment route, but at least it’s something, now I’m waiting on my regular doc for the next steps. 

The kind of funny thing is though (in reference to my last post or maybe the one before it), is that I have been recommended to take anti-depressants (BUT not for depression) they happen to help with migraines and oversensitivity which affects me all the time pretty much. A lot of medicines help with other conditions they were not primarily made for, I only realised this in the recent years lol. I’m a little wary and I’m hoping that it’ll help, maybe even kill two birds with one stone, but if it doesn’t then oh welp and onto the next thing they recommend. I want to get better every way I can and there’s no harm trying (except maybe side effects ugh) it’s just the stigma thing again, it’s... complicated .__. But it’ll be okay!

In terms of my own art and online dabblings, I actually spent two of the days I did phone orders doodling and editing stuff a little. I wasn’t really going to draw anything seriously but my non serious doodle started off pretty alright and I continued it and finished it, which I kind of felt proud of as usually I start things and never finish them because I get scared to mess it up or think it’s not good enough. It has its flaws of course, I’m such a nit picky person and I know I need to improve, but looking past these things, I really like what I did and am glad I persevered and completed it.

I also tried posting something online, not on here, but I actually did it for once at least! It was nothing amazing, in fact it was really really lame, just a scrawl from another time but I still like it and that’s all that matters, right? Right! I was really struggling over what to write in the descriptions (much like how I spend ages agonising over writing comments) and still keep feeling iffy about what I wrote but it’s actually all fine, so I should stop worrying about it! Hear that silly me? Don’t fret and don’t regret, it’s fine so keep going! :D

Some people (very few) even liked my picture and one person even commented some thumbs up emojis. It’s really nice of them ;w; I don’t think they were bots and I looked at their pages too. The person that commented has a page full of beautiful art and idk I just felt like omg ahhhh they’re so much more amazing then me and super intimidated and wasn’t sure what to do about the comment and still haven’t done anything and it’s been a few days .__.

They probably like loads of peoples stuff though, and also there’s no obligation to have to like their stuff back (though I have a feeling that’s probably why they liked my awful doodle in the first place, to draw attention to their own page, but I shouldn’t assume, that’s bad, maybe they really thought my doodle was okay and kindly wanted to encourage, who knows). I think maybe I’ll like the comment at least, I don’t want to be rude >< I’m just scared that if I do go and like their stuff, I’ll feel obligated to always do it kind of thing, I’m still just so scared of interacting with people (also this person doesn’t speak english it seems and language barriers are my death, but this person didn’t mind it, so uh uh wait I’m being such a baby again ;____;)

I’m seriously overthinking things way too much again!! I get this feeling when I think of people that may have taken their time to read my posts or even the few people that have liked a post or two. I’m seriously very very grateful and would hug you if I could but I don’t know what to do from then and it just keeps swirling and nagging me inside and I’m so sorry >< Overthinking and social awkwardness will surely be the death of me. I need to stop all the uncertainty and what ifs and silly assumptions and just do what I feel! Why is it so hard..? ;^;

I actually got so scared I didn’t post the next small doodle I wanted to, but I need to get over it and just get it done and continue and post the things I’ve really really been wanting to post for months. No one actually cares about all the silly things I think they do, I can’t read minds and I can’t go one thinking that I can. The same for just people in general irl. I was actually a little proud that I was so self-conscious out in public as much recently, that I noticed people are too busy in their own world and that I’m silly for thinking they would expend the brain energy to linger on me negatively. Another mantra sort of thing I’ve been thinking is ‘IDGAF (and no one else does)’ lolol for reals, but it seems to be pretty effective so imma keep it! :>

Losing motivation and becoming disheartened is so easy. I’m going to continue small and simple and build up from there in every aspect and it’ll get easier and I’m gonna keep my grip real tight on that motivation and determination and soak in all my accomplishments no matter how small or insignificant they seem and convert them into even more positive energy! Imma do things!! Imma do lots of things and not get mad at myself even if I don’t manage to do some of them! Baby steps is the way to go! c:

Like always I get a bit apprehensive when writing these or even thinking of doing so, but they are actually very useful! I can sift through and explore my thoughts better now and I can help re-motivate and re-direction myself with them and I even think my writing and expression in general has gotten better! It’s a good thing, it’s an achievement! Be happy silly self! ^^

Worry just makes the world seem all the more scary. Break the cycle, break the cycle, snap it to pieces, crush it into dust and let it fly away in the wind and never return! >< Keep going, reach higher, climb further (without forgetting to take rest stops in between and continue onwards with renewed vigour) past the sky and the stars, you can do it! Moar fancy fancy motivation!! x3

I guess I’ll stop here, I think I’ve got most of the stuff down and there’s stuff I wanna do now that I’ve pieced my motivation back together some ^^ When I go to my drafts to write, I see the to do/dream list I wrote last time and it reminds me of all the things I could do, it definitely needs to be tidied up but it’s nice seeing it! I’m pumped! :3

I hope things go well for myself and everyone out there, go go!

Have a great evening! C:

[safilia]

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 2*5 random fucking number of people to be tagged.

I was tagged by: @alan-of-all-trades

LAST:

Last drink: lipton green tea with quince

Last phone call: my mom

Last text message: also my mom, bc i was visiting her yesterday

Last song you listened to: it was this mix

Last time I cried: yesterday, bc im a baby

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice: uh... like you mean breaking up and then being again with someone? im in my only relationship right now, so, uh. no.

Been cheated on: no.

Kissed someone and regretted it: nope!

Lost someone special: hard to say, because we parted ways because of lots of reasons. 

Been depressed: yeah. since 2013 at least, now i’m more stable but to be continued...? 

Been drunk and thrown up: i never drink, never had alcohol in my mouth.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: yes!! 

Fallen out of love: i’m only falling more deeply ( ˘ ³˘)♥

Laughed until you cried: that happens from time to time! 

Met someone who changed you: i think that anyone that i meet is changing me in some way

Found out who your true friends are: sometimes it hurts, but i’m glad that i know, now.

Found out someone was talking about you: i don’t think so.

GENERAL:

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life: uhhhhhhh....... around 10-20, probably?

Do you have any pets: i have a dog, but he lives with my mom ;v;

Do you want to change your name: nobody calls me by my name, but i sure want to change my surname as fast as i can... can’t wait for it! don’t want to be associated with my father, especially this way.

What time did you wake up this morning: around 10am?

What were you doing last night: wasting my time on the internet 

Name something you cannot wait for: idk, i’m a patient person.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i’m not sure... i don’t recall anyone like that.

What’s getting on your nerves rn: my migraines.

Blood type: A+

Nickname: Meg/Megu/Megg/Egg 

Relationship status: taken! 

Zodiac sign: Gemini

Pronouns: she/her or they/them w/e you prefer

Favorite tv show: i don’t rly watch lots of stuff, but i like Little Witch Academia as of now.

College: maybe in the future, can’t go for now.

Hair colour: brown, for now! 

Do you have a crush on someone: i still have a crush on my partner?

What do you like about yourself: being strong?

FIRSTS:

First surgery: didn’t happen.

First piercing: 8yrs old, my earlobes

First sport you joined: i’m not a sports person...

First vacation: at my grandma’s house, for sure. just a simply village, nothing to do, nothing to see.

First pair of sneakers: who the hell knows, but i had these white sneakers that glowed pink when i was walking? these were the best!!

Eating: some... food. that banana baby cereal thing was my JAM. i still love it...

Drinking: probably milk, lol?

I’m about to: continue drawing when i’m done with this.

Listening to: this thing i linked as the last thing i was listening to. i’m listening to it, again.

Want kids: not interested.

Get married: maybe, but not the church stuff, just civil?

Career: i’m aspiring to be an artist working on somethig... good. 

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: hugs

Shorter or taller: taller

Older or younger: older

Romantic or spontaneous:  spontaneous?

Sensitive or loud: sensitive

Hook up or relationship: relationships

Troublemaker or hesitant: hesistant

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: nuh-uh

Lost glasses/contacts: don’t wear anything like that, i have good eyes

Sex on first date: n o

Broken someone’s heart: maybe? 

Been arrested: im a good egg

Turned someone down: twice!  but the guy who confessed to me doesn’t remember now, why, and the other one has a long term reltionship and lives together with his girl so i think they are good.

Fallen for a friend: a few times....

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: working on that!

Miracles: doubt.jpg

Love at first sight: not really?

Heaven: no

Santa Claus: no, i knew that the santa claus in my kindergarten was a lady dressed up as an old man. i never took this bs.

Tagging: my randm number is 0, lazy