#(i didnt exactly have my first dose when i first got up bc im a fool)

[storm-of-feathers]

my second adhd med dose just kicked in can you tell

[confessions-official]

i have chronic pain. lately, its been getting better (i got a few hours pain free with some new meds a few weeks ago) but last week i had a terrible 10/11 day streak in terrible pain, so i missed school a lot.

i was taliking to my friend about how this other friend didnt go to school, she asked why he didnt come and i said that he told me he didnt feel like it. she then said something along the lines "like you" and i got really mad. she knows i have chronic pain, she knew the past days it got so bad i almost end up in the hospital and i already told her that it makes me feel invalidated when she says that stuff (its not the first time, but we had a talk about it after i got tired of multiple accusitations me of being lazy and taking too much prescibed pain meds), so i said "i was in a lot of pain, you know i hate missing schools, i wouldnt miss just because, i was feeling really bad" (it takes me a lot to catch up and talked about it with her). she then said "yeah right" and scoffed, like she didnt believe.

im so tired of this shit. im in pain 24/7, i always put a happy face and do my 100% but that doesnt mean but im not in pain. and the one time, the one time i take the much needed rest to recover, she calls me lazy and that i dont go to school bc "i feel like it"

maybe im still mad she never apologized for all the other times she got pissy about me not going to school (despite her doing the same without the whole medical reason). and saying "it would make me worse to take the pain meds, it was proven medically" when i take only what the doctor tells me and always leaving the 8 hour period between doses, and when i told her she just keep insisting i should not take so many meds. like do you want me to be in even more pain i already am? sometimes i already bedridden of the pain and you want me to stop the only healthy recommend by professional solution? but then when i feel bad (which hehe, thats exactly what would happen more often without the meds) and take time to rest, then im lazy? im lazy? im not the one falling half the classes bc i never do the homework or study for tests, despite being the one that is in pain all the time. she never apologized for any of this, she never changed, she always dismissed when i told her to stop.

i decided it to stop speaking to her. we talked about this before, more than once, if words dont make it work, then there will be no words. i know its toxic but im really tired of fighting for being believed of my debilitating illness.

yet, today at school, i talked to her like nothing had happen. i dont think she realized how much it hurt what she said yesterday, how much it hurts me when she says stuff like yesterday. and i cant even take distance. i couldnt even asked her to stop saying it.

she didnt even realized i was mad in the first place. i couldnt stay visibly mad at her for her to realize. i couldnt ask her to stop (again) bc i was too afraid she would keep invalidating me like she always does when i try to talk about my illness. and i really want to stop being her friend. but i cant. schools works in close groups, same 28 students for every single class. we became friends bc no one else talked to us and we are partners in everything and we cant change partners, and even if we could, no one would switch with me.

i cant stop being with her. i cant talk with her without her dismissing me. i dont know what to do

 

[djs-horny-blog-lmao]

do you have any hypno writers you really like? either for TSS or just in general. your writing is great so I feel like you'd have good taste in recs

- 👽

first off, 🥺 that's really sweet thank you

second off, i don't think im going to have a very good answer for you. legitimately, i used to trawl the nsfs/nsfw tags the most,,, back in about 2019?? and the landscape of who's writing and how much is being written has changed a surprising amount, and I can't remember for the life of me who i used to read.

the sanders stuff? fuck dude i dont remember anyone other than @/tulipanthousa in specific, but i remember reading good stuff. God. i remember tss kinktober 2019 was really good but i cannot rely on tumblr ever being able to take me back that far.

when it comes to just hypnokink blogs? again a lot of the stuff i initially microdosed on is actually gone (i joined tumblr first for porn but also like,,,, ten months before the porn ban)

But i am still gonna list a whole bunch of blogs i find inspiring / hot. tho tbh you might have guessed some of these already based on my rb history

(im also not tagging ANYONE bc im just some rando fandom smut blog and that'd be mortifying >.<)

@/of-mutts-and-men just hits that monsterfucker vibe perfectly. a lot of werewolf vibes and ive been so into that lately. also a healthy dose of mind-fuckery.

@/aspiring-house-husband has really good hypno story posts (and non hypno) but just. clenches fist. the eroticism is off the charts. their posts are So inspiring. and so fucking hot. drives me crazy insane.

@/erogenousmind also is top notch and im pretty sure, from memory, has some really good hypno scripts? im picky w/ scripts, i dont like ones that try bait you into reblogging at the end >.< and a lot of them dont necessarily pace well, but i remember this person's stuff being Good

@/yoyomindloops is v much the same as above. they have that erotic hypno dnd series. good shit.

and tho im p sure theyre not on tumblr anymore actively, the blog is still up, and @/lewd-zko's art is just. such internet hypnokink classic.

im also gonna cite 2 like,,, 'makes hypno porn video content' things that i find really inspiring/hot too (tho i will admit, ive never bought their things, i dont exactly have the privacy to do so nor the funds)

@/the-hedge-hypnotist was a guy i remember has been around for ages and has been like,,, solidly one of the Ethical Hypno Content Guys? there's been... a fair amount of drama over the years, it seems, but yeah. he always super cites the models he works with and even the teasers for what they make is super top notch and really erotic. i remember one i was obsessed w/ was super eldritch horror... and i didnt even think i was into that

and lastly, a site that's been driving me insane and im actually gonna link it directly, is Mesmerotic. their people are hot, theyre hypno is hot and real and genuine, and even tho like,,, i can't buy their stuff yet, their teasers/snippets are insanely good. and they do some versatile things!

the other major idea spinner, other than my own brain, is actually DM's with a bestie ^-^' it's no more than plotting erotic fics together (it's actually for a different fandom, i reuse the ideas and she doesn't mind) but got ae have some good kinky ideas. the superhero stuff? that was aem.

...i dont know if this is quite what you meant, but... yeah! fdkgjfdg

[woolywoofs]

I wanted to post a little update. And ask for a little help, again (paypal posted below, please dont feel pressured! you and your needs come first always).

Moppa and I are still grieving Skvetta, but we are managing now. She can be left alone now without panicking and she no longer searched for her in the yard.

I had my tonsils taken out last friday, on my birthday lol. Surgery itself went well, but beforehand did not. My IV infiltrated and all of the meds to calm me down and put me to sleep just went into my soft tissue. It was extremely painful and I started to have a panic attack on the table because of it + the oxygen mask makes me feel like im suffocating (i know it doesnt make sense haha). All hands on deck after that and I had 3 people on me at once sticking me trying to get IVs in me but my veins just kept breaking. It was actual hell and felt like forever.

Recovery has been a hot mess honestly. The first 3 days were fine and since then its been reaaal bad. The ear, throat and tongue pain is unreal. I am drugged out of my mind because pain/stress is a huge seizure trigger for me, but at this point it is not really working. I did have 1 bad seizure, to a point where i had broken capillaries in my face. But thankfully it didnt create any issues with my surgery recovery. Im hoping things will start improving soon.

Generally my epilepsy has fucked up a lot. My short term memory is messed up and I have lost some skill sets after the bad seizures. I have been re-learning how to draw and paint! It is a very tedious process but i really feel like im making progress.

My autoimmune disease has been lowkey out of control and I saw my rheumo and I am going back on a low dose chemo drug. It really did help last time, it just made me so sick. But we will be looking into every option to control my nausea etc! So im trying to be hopeful. Ill start once im completely healed from my tonsillectomy, since the meds make you more likely to get infections and slows healing.

My uterus has also been absolutely fucked, once again. We were really hoping that removing the mass, scraping my uterus and putting the IUD would stop the bleeding, and it did, for 6 months. But im having issues again and I saw a specialist and we decided that the only option left for me is a hysterectomy. There is a year long wait though. This wasnt exactly on my list of things to do at 27.. but i suppose it is what it is.

Now for some good. Moppa is healthy and happy. She was attacked by a dog in september and got a bad gash but shes completely healed! She loves the fenced yard. We have been working on nosework stuff when im feeling okay enough for it! She is honestly such a light in the dark and I love her.

I get to renew my lease next year so i dont have to worry about housing!! Rent will be increasing bc inflation but im okay with swapping some meals with ramen to make things work, when I cant make extra money. I have been learning how to quilt!! My grandma does it a lot and i asked her to teach me so I am working on a project with her.

While things are generally a hot mess right now, i am mostly okay. And i feel like thats a big improvement for me, im not sure I would have handled all this a year ago. And im proud of myself.

With everything going on, I have obviously been unable to do commissions, or taking in dogsitting clients or anything i typically do to make money. If anyone is able to help, it is really appreciated. *This is my PayPal*, im afraid its my only way to receive anything. *any* amount helps. I really hope this is the last time i ever have to ask for anything. I feel like things are going to turn around now that we have solid plans to help with my health issues. The hope is that once my uterus is out and the low dose chemo has gotten my overall pain under control, that my epilepsy will chill out. It seems to be easily triggered via pain and hormones.

Thanks to anyone who had the patience to read this thing. I just havent posted an update in so long that there was a lot to say 😅 i am going to start being more active on here as ai really miss it. I will include the 2 art pieces I managed to make and finish. It took forever to figure everything out but im proud of myself. Quality may be a little destroyed bc tumblr likes to do that... i really hope i can offer commissions again soon. I might choose a person or two at random that donates and do a ghost commission like below for them? I can at least try. But youd have to message me on here after donating so i know who you are, i think i can attempt dog, cat or rabbit. But i cant promise anything.

I talked forever, im so sorry lol. Here is the paypal again because its definitely lost up there in the babble

Just to end this.. Has anyone here had a tonsillectomy as an adult and can tell me at what point it got better?

[thetourguidebarbie]

so i went to get my thyroid med upped this morning armed with a note from my psychiatrist saying where she wanted my TSH to be, which the nurse photocopied for my gcp. my gcp increased my dose by the absolute minimum and only three days a week. I asked her politely whether it would be enough to bring my levels down to 1-1.5, and she condescendingly said “i’ve been doing this a long time. i know what i’m taking about.” i apologized and told her i was curious (since, you know, i need to know whether it will achieve what my psychiatrist asked and i’m moving a few hours away so i want to try to get it right the first time so i dont have to do labs on my new, worse insurance) and she was like “it’ll be fine. you’re in the normal range anyway even if it’s only barely.” i tried to tell her that my psychiatrist didnt think it was normal enough but she shut me down and clearly thought i didnt know what i was talking about.

As i got up to leave, she opened my file and was like “oh let me read the note you brought from your doctor....it says exactly what you suggested. well, we’ll try this dose out and if it’s too low you can come back in eight weeks”

Oh, you mean WHEN I MOVE THREE HOURS AWAY AND HAVE DIFFERENT HEALTH INSURANCE? when ive been gaining about a pound a week even though ive been eating fine and exercising?? and im literally going to have to BUY NEW CLOTHES??? like...???? are you serious???

this is why i fucking hate general care practicioners. i have NEVER had a good experience with one and im so tired of it. i just want to see a specialist who knows what they’re talking about but apparently im no longer complicated enough for insurance to pay for one soooo. cool. ill just continue to gain weight bc my body hates me and spiral into moodiness bc im not being treated correctly bc you won’t read a fucking doctor’s note and follow directions

[midnightmisadventures]

Pt 2 (alpha drugs me)

Lmao no but seriously, then him and the guy were trying to explain it but they were saying it works like an edible but you have to pump it in and its slightly painful but worth it but itll take up to two hours to kick in and they had taken theres and blah blah

bottom line i wanted to be high. so i said go for it papi. Lol but no i don't exactly remember but i think he put it in my arm and it hurt like a shot but less and then he took it out...like he was just showing me what its like. But then his friend was like "no alpha you have to pump it for it to work" and he was like yea i know, so he put it in again and like pumped this liquid into me for a few seconds and took it out. No blood or anything. But i was a little weary that i would get a double dose of whatever this was. But if i trusted them that it was weed or at least weed adjacent i was like i think itll be fine.

So then yea whatever.....time passes. Its christmas of coursee. But it was so very odd. I was in this dream for a long time and i kept thinking "omg tonight is christmas eve" but we would never open presents and then the next night would come and i would be like...okay maybe tonight is christmas eve? mustve been wrong. But then it happened again, and i was so utterly confused.

I check the calendar finally and its dec 27th about to be 28th but no one thought it was weird we hadnt opened presents or acknowledged christmas. I kept wanting to speak up and say "guys its past christmas day i dont understand whats going on" but then i saw something briefly that basically said that christmas was on the 28th and that it was like a thanksgiving "last thursday" vibe and i felt stupid for feeling like christmas is always on the 25th. Idk it was weird.

Suddenly though it was two hours later, the drugs had kicked in but it was so gradual and subtle as it set in. But i was just hazy and laughy and realized i needed to keep it together in front of my fam. I wasnt sure where alpha was but phee knew i took it and came over to me and was like "hey how ya feelin arie" wink wink and i was like im gooooooood, all good. Kicked in and everything.

Um......so now the vibe is we're traveling in a sprinter like tour and we stopped and were eating somewhere that was giving camp caf vibes. And alpha was sitting with a group of guys and i was sitting with none other than sally dar griffin lmao. A cutie, and we were looking over at the guys and she was like "alpha's soo hot, he's been all over me lately" and i was not angry or jealous but not willing to be quiet and share my side. Mainly bc i needed her to know we had history and that we didnt just meet eachother like all these other people.

So i start saying, alpha and i go way back into highschool. We liked eachother and flirted with eachother all the time. I was trying to be quiet so it was awkward bc i really didnt want alpha to over hear. So i was like "walk with me to the soda fountain" and at the soda fountain i told her as much as i could about us in like 30 seconds. Like bubble blowing, sexual intimidation at our lockers, sexy jacket zipups, i even talked about lenina and was like even when he got a girlfriend he was still into me and i was like this secret and all this shit.

So then she was like damn, but i wrapped it up with like, "he was my number 1 crush all throughout hs so like he means a lot to me" and she was saying yea and kinda like ......go for it.

And then for the first time in the dream i thought about Liam, and wanted to say something like "yea but i dont wanna get into anything with him bc i have a guy i really like/ i dont need attention for him i know the guy i wanna be with" but didnt bc....i wasnt sure it was worth it and i did plan on pursuing alpha.

So then, especially since we were so close and cuddly the other night i wanted to spend more time with him because it had felt so good. But i wasnt in any mood to chase or be weird.

Cause then of course theres this other bitch, her name was like amaro? or amareo? and i know what ur thinking. But i didnt see much of a connection.

*liam just responded again 4:19am*

Anyways, amaro was rich her family owned a music festival like her parents were the founders of a popular festival. We were taking a long drive and she sat next to alpha and was flirting with him for so long and they were laughing and talking and i was like ughhhh, how'd this bitch swoop in like wtf i thought i was in the clear.

So then we got off at one place and was at this gas station, we all got drinks/snacks and were going back to the sprinter. And i was planning to try to sit next to alpha for this next leg. We get to the car and our directors tell us to sit on a particular side filing in, which worked in my favor cause now i had an excuse to take her seat. I'm first in line, i go to her spot in the last row and i see in her seat she had period bled allllll into it. And it was kinda gross and it smelled, meanwhile i turn around to try to take the seat in front of me and shes taking that one so now im backed into this corner and shes bout to get away with blaming it on me. I was torn because ew? but also shes a girl and i understand and i felt bad, but also i didnt want to sit there it wasnt clean and we were leaving and she wasnt there?? so i sat in the middle and....honestly idk what happened.

[mukhannath]

I don't know why people keep expecting androgynous having to mean "hairless boy" like that "no hrt" person. Having hair and growth can be exactly what a nonbinary person wants or surprising changes might not be unwelcome in the end. I'm not on t but I do have a hormone imbalance thing that works like I were on t and thus can't start actual hrt bc my cocktail of hormone supplements is keeping my body functioning and taking additional t would lead into hospitalisation (according to hormone 1/5

specialists). So, when I actually started growing a very "manly" batch of chest hair (not to mention back, knee and arse hair (sorry, tmi) and a spotty beard) and my voice lowered on its own plus other stuff when my body started to rearrange itself, I went to see my gp. Long story short all of the changes are permanent and my gp and the specialists were beside themselves and there was all sort of talk about laser hair removal and support groups bc they expected this to cause me dysphoria bc what my body had done to itself was pretty much natural hrt. Now, the thing is I'm genderless and this whole unexpected hair thing and other stuff *is* making me feel *less* dysphoric (to the point of postponing top surgery indefinitely) because it's taking me farther away from being seen and feeling "typically female" and actually makes me feel fairly androgynous in a mix'n'match type of way with my features. So I turned lasers and the rest down. I admit I was baffled when my body started changing but I had no idea what was happening unlike people who knowingly start hrt. And when I've talked to enbies who are on hrt they're aware of how there's no set order re the changes and some might be unwelcome ones. But it's not that different to what binary trans people feel. Several of them take pauses with hrt to catch up with the changes and they don't necessarily like them either. Your body is changing pretty much according to what genes you have and you have little control over that. What we need is more open discussion about what hrt does in different doses and how far do you want to go with it and how it's ok to take a break from it. Not some person with a very narrow idea what androgyny is and something against nonbinary people especially with their motivation being the shortage of t and apparently it get's wasted on enbies who stop hrt. (Because of course a youtube video speaks for every enby and no-one has ever restarted hrt...) 5/5

wow first of all thank you for sharing and sending this to me, its cool to share your story ! youre right that I didn’t point out that person’s limited idea of what androgyny is and thats probably because i have that same limited view with regards to myself. this is probably a combination of dysphoria and internalized transphobia and you know what?? also internalized racism because a lot of things that are common in my race (like dark body hair!) dont fit my own personal goals. but I recognize that this is a very harmful ideal to apply across the board and thank u for pointing out that i didnt mention that sry abt that. 

youre also totally right that sometimes binary trans people arent fine with changes on HRT either. fuck lol like i dont think anyone is 100% happy with their body, even cis people going thru the expected puberty of their agab. so its pretty fuckin ridiculous to apply this double standard to specifically nonbinary people!! 

also i think being frank and practical for this, a lot of the time ‘androgyny’ for a nonbinary person means doing things that move them away from characteristics that have them perceived as their AGAB. this of course isnt true across the board but it certainly is in my case and a lot of other ppl ik. that person said “Estrogen won’t just make you a little more feminine. It will make you look like a woman” and im just like... ok well it doesnt seem to be doing either of those for me because i got on it late in the game (20) but if it keep me from “male” aging then im fuckin down for any side effects. 

[saintcheryl]

ok so

(to clarify i say ‘acid’ for simplicity’s sake but it was actually 2cb which is v similar in my experience but also VERY visual, and also i fuCKED UP THE DOSE LMFAO i was fine tho dw. disclaimer: always be as safe as possible w substances, i do a lot of research and i knew the stuff i had wasn’t laced w anything, and i only did this alone bc i’d experienced this specific drug in a safe setting w trusted ppl before and am overall somewhat experienced w psychedelics)

first like, half was relatively normal as i was coming up and i was feeling kinda funny but didnt rly notice much? but i realized it was REALLY hitting around halfway thru the episode, and especially during this:

i like. genuinely could not tell if this was Supposed to be surreal and weird or if it was just the drugs. i truly didnt know. spoiler the episode IS surreal and weird and if youve seen it you know its definitely got Vibes not necessarily common 2 the show (rly leaning into the whole stepford wives 50s kinda thing, quaint music, also i feel like some of the angles and shots and overall directing esp in this scene are Meant to be disorienting)  so this was certainly an interesting thing to be experiencing while like, beginning to trip absolute balls

anyways that whole scene where cas realized something was wrong w sam was. a lot i was like “wow.....im really feeling how fucked up and confused cas must be feeling rn”

also jack’s journey visiting donatello was rly funny lmao

i was like WHOA........THATS SO PROFOUND........YEAH HAHA................in a kinda self aware way cuz i KNEW this is EXACTLY the kinda shit that someone tripping would think is cool even tho its just some random shit lmfao. which brings me to the point of like........when ur tripping u rly do thing everything is meaningful and like u were Meant To Be There Experiencing These Things so the whole time i was like yes. of COURSE i was meant to be right here, watching this episode for the first time, high off my absolute ass. and i still kinda believe that lol like it felt SO right and im very glad that this happened

so anyways. one funny thing psychs do for some ppl is make ppls facial features move around......if youve seen midsommar it honestly nails it in that regard. this guy’s face in particular was going absolutely crazy (also very appropriate screenshot i think)

the vfx of ppl’s faces getting all fucked up before exploding was VERYYYY fucky to see lol. at this point in the episode i was getting a lot of visuals so once again it was kinda hard to tell where the episode ended and the drugs began....like i was already seeing a lot of swimming lines and colors on ppls faces so yeah that was interesting

i was Gone at this point and not processing anything but i did notice this:

iu was like OH YES  SAY THAT JACK!!!!!!!!!! YEAH U GET IT!!!!!! something about him not saying anything good or bad but “illuminating” rly got it, a big theme i wound up noticing w my thoughts later on during this trip was that things arent inherently good or bad they just Are? like experiences are valuable and i shouldnt have to say whether somethings a Good Time or a Bad Time i can just Be. honestly i think this line rly helped me avoid having a “bad trip” later bc like i said i had taken too much and after a few hours i was like shitttt lol i just want this to be over and i think i def coulda started freaking out if i didnt have this lil reminder that things dont have to be “good” or “bad” esp cuz Bad Trips are often self fulfilling prophecies of “i think this is gonna be bad so its gonna go there” bc its v easy to lose control of ur thoughts and where they go esp when ur overwhelmed by a high dosage but like. truly ur always in control!!!!! it can be very hard and it takes practice but u can control how ur trip goes if u kno what to expect. this episode was also funny for that bc when i felt my thoughts going in a bad direction it felt liuke the head exploding thing and then i was like wait no im fine. Lol. its hard to convey im getting off topic

tldr; this entire episode already feels like a weird trip and being Literally Tripping while watching it is an experience i can only begin to try to convey lol. a VERY appropriate episode for the experience overall

ive sent ppl anons about this so if u recognize it yes it was me but anyways thinking about that time i was on WAY TOO MUCH ACID the first time i watched 14x15 peace of mind and gor that reason it will always be one of the most iconic episodes to me and also i wanna walk thru how that entire experience went bc it was hilarious and definitely broke my brain in ways it will never heal from

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.