#(i actually got this ask a couple days ago and ADHDed away from answering; but wanted to answer before this week's chapter drops) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aprillikesthings · 2 months ago

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So I actually have a (...very overdue) physical/pap smear in a week

And now I'm wondering if I need to go through the hassle of getting properly diagnosed with depression or whatever to get back on wellbutrin or if I can just like, ask

Like "hey can we just do informed consent model on this. In my 20's and 30's I took wellbutrin off and on for years, I know what it can and can't help me with, I know what side effects I get and how to handle them. My ADHD/executive function sucks assssss and I can't bump up my adderall dosage because it only increases my side effects*, and we're about to go into Dark Season and I swear to god every January I self-isolate so bad it's scary and ALSO I'm like 99% sure I'm going into perimenopause and it's making my brain worse. so uhhhhh can you just.....write me an Rx for wellbutrin 150mg extended release or what"

I mean I could lie and say I started smoking again and need the wellbutrin to quit, maybe? hm

(I actually did not know wellbutrin was used for that for ages, but tbh it only has that effect on me at 300mg, and at that dosage I am lying in bed with nausea like multiple days a week for the first couple of months and uhhh no thanks) (that was worth it the year I was nearly suicidal don't get me wrong--as I said to a friend "yeah I'm still in bed all day but at least it's not because I kinda want to die, so it's still an improvement lol")

"have you tried SSRI's" only lexapro. but that, family history, and the time I tried strattera have informed me that if a SSRI/SNRI has the side effect of "killing your libido," then that medication will, in fact, entirely kill off my libido. and quite frankly I would only take a medication with that side effect if my choice was that or like, actual death. I greatly enjoy my libido and orgasms are a consistent source of stress relief and dopamine for me and I am not giving them up if I can avoid it thank you

OH ALSO AHAHAH can't wait to mention "hey I had my first ocular/visual migraine two weeks ago"

So there I was at work this last week, and I got back from break and was like, why does it look like I looked at something too bright but only in that part of my eyes. Huh that's not going away. WOW THAT LOOKS WEIRD AS FUCK. WAIT.

WHAT IS THAT

AM I HAVING A STROKE????

Nope! Scintillating scotoma (which is also the name of my new band! /jk)

Tl;dr: it's possible to have the "aura" part of a migraine without having ....literally any other symptom of a migraine, especially as you get into perimenopause. Happens to like, 1.3% of the population.

The wikipedia page I linked above is great and has several animations/images. But imagine seeing this:

in your field of vision but like, WIGGLING LIKE CRAZY, and it gets bigger and bigger until it disappears, and all within like, half an hour.

I am very glad that googling got me to the right answer really fast, and I'm also glad that every website about it is like "hey if it's visible in both eyes and you're not having other migraine symptoms and it's gone within an hour, this is not a big deal and you'll be fine."

Once I wasn't worried about it and it wasn't in a spot that made it hard to read, it was actually kind of cool???

(and then I wonder why I'm fascinated by hallucinogens, lol.)

But yeah I posted about it to facebook and that's when I found out that multiple of my friends also have these. One said she gets it once a year.

My mom had disabling migraines of the kind that made her cry from the pain, so if all I've inherited of them is "you get to see weird shit in your vision once a year," I'll take it.

Also I know my doctor is gonna tell me it's time for my first mammogram and oh lordy I do not want to. Having firm tits is great up until someone has to fucking squeeze them between flat plates of glass. >:( I just know they're gonna be like "huh your tits are too dense and we can't see shit" cool cool breast cancer doesn't run in my family but endometrial cancer does can we worry about that instead, fuck

(*okay but for real. I do not have bipolar and I have never done cocaine. but lemme tell you. I know what "pressured speech" feels like, because that's what happens when I try a higher dose of adderall and/or take mine twice by accident. and I do not like it. I already have enough trouble shutting up (lol just look at this post) omg.)

ugghhhhh

"gee, I don't know why I'm so tired. I don't know why I'm struggling with basic tasks that I'm usually fine with. I don't know why my body is constantly exhibiting signs of a lot of stress. I don't know why I either can't sleep or sleep too much. I don't know why I'm not enjoying things I usually enjoy. I don't know why it feels like my ADHD meds aren't working. I don't know why--"

oh ffs

I literally looked at that list and thought "how could I be depressed, my life is fine???" as if I don't know that that's not how it fucking works

then again it could be perimenopause?????

either way I should. probably ask to be on wellbutrin again or something.

UGGGHHHHHH

#my life

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barbarianprncess · 3 years ago

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is there a reason you’re blushing like that !!!!

i actually loved writing this so thank you for the prompt!

forever house

read on ao3

“Mom, I’m home!” Percy calls distractedly into their apartment as he wrestles with his skateboard.

“Hi honey,” Sally answers from the couch, and he can hear the smile in her voice when she says “There's a surprise for you in your bedroom.” He furrows his brow and hurries upstairs. He opens his bedroom door expecting cookies and is instead greeted with familiar blonde hair and a bed overrun with papers far too complicated to be his own. He can’t help the smile that overtakes his face at the sight of his girlfriend, still in her Catholic school uniform.

“Hey!” He leans over his bedspread being very careful not to wrinkle her designs to plant a kiss on her cheek. “How’s my favorite genius?”

“Hey Percy.” Annabeth is currently scrambling to get her papers in order, which he finds odd because usually when he calls her a genius she’ll smile and kiss him extra gently. And then she only needs a little prodding and he can get her to explain what she's working on. She gets this crinkle in the corner of her eyes when she talks about her projects and gesticulates wildly to get him to understand. It’s awesome.

But right now, Annabeth is beet red, eyes manic, and piling papers with a vengeance. He’s not entirely sure what’s happening but Annabeths got this look in her eye- like one wrong move and she’s gonna bolt. “What’re you working on?”

“Nothing!” She says voice cracking in a way that clues him in on the fact that the subject of her stress but her work. Which Percy finds ridiculous because he may not understand the nuanced and complicated world of design, but Annabeth’s smarter than anyone, she’ll figure whatever it is out. Annabeth gets like this sometimes- ADHD fixation and her need for perfection is a combo that doesn’t mix well and in the months that they’ve been dating, there have been more than a few times when Percy had to loosen her fistes curled around her designs in frustration, and talk her down from a panic attack because Apollo didn’t love his statue. Percy hates that her work does that to her, but he likes taking care of her.

“Annabeth,” He says slowly, hands already positioned to relieve her of the designs that she managed to wrangle in her lap, but she bats them away.

“No, no it's not- I’m not.” She looks up at him and her eyes soften at his concern. “I’m fine, seriously I’m not stuck on anything.” Percy raises his eyebrows skeptically.

“Sooo… is there a reason you’re blushing like that?” Annabeth's hands fly up to her neck as if she can stop the flush of her skin from the outside. Which is a mistake on her part because Percy immediately grabs the blueprint she was so desperately trying to hide. She lunges for it, causing the remaining papers to fall forgotten on the floor, but Percy's growth spurt, along with the angle she’s sitting on his bed, makes it so he’s able to keep her at bay.

“Percy!! Give it back, oh my gods, I’m gonna kill you!” He’s heard that before and he’s still breathing so, he takes his chances. He makes out the words “Forever House: Annabeth Chase”, and a vague sketch of what looks like a shoreline. He catches Montauk and something about support beams when Annabeth finally succeeds in snatching the paper from him. She’s flushing even harder now, and her hands are covering her face.

“Which of the gods are asking for a forever house?” He laughs until he notices Annabeth shaking her head and she lets out a muffled ‘none of ‘em’ from behind her hands.

“Hey, hey Annabeth.” He says softly poking at her sides and pinching at her cheeks (he gets mostly fingers because she’s still covering her face but, all the better to grab her hands with). She sighs and lets him take her hands and sit on the edge of the bed, still not meeting his eyes. He squeezes the fingers in his grasp, a silent promise not to make fun of her, and she takes a deep breath and forces out an explanation.

“Well, a couple weeks ago, while I was waiting for you to get out of school, me and your mom talked for a while and she mentioned some of your trips to Montauk and how much you loved them, and we were looking at pictures and she mentioned how you always said you wanted to live there, right on the beach when you got older, and inspiration kinda struck and I started sketching out your hypothetical beach house. And I guess subconsciously, your beach house became a version of…. the forever house.”

Now, Percy’s heard of the hypothetical ‘forever house’ before. Annabeth had told him once about her favorite theoretical place, created when she was little. Having lost every person and place she was told to call home, caused a deep distrust for anywhere she lived in the future. (He doesn’t blame her, he’s not sure he could ever trust anything if he went through what she went through before Luke turned to Kronos- let alone everything she went through after.) So to cope, in her head she’d design a house that she’d build when she was older- now known as the forever house. She told him she daydreamed about building it, how it’d be open and bright with huge windows so she’d never feel alone again. But, despite its openness, it’d be sturdy and rooted in place. The design and location changed over time but it always had big windows and it was always immobile. And no matter what happend, that house would be her ‘something permanent’. Her forever house.

As what she was saying registered, Percy’s smile grew impossibly wide. Annabeth must’ve assumed he was laughing at her and deflated. “I know, it’s stupid and creepy just forget it ok I didn’t mean-”

He let go of her hands as she rambled and cut her off with a kiss. He wasn’t sure how to articulate what he was feeling with words, so he let his body speak for him. His thumb swipes at her cheek (I’m sorry that you had to build a house in your head because the people that were supposed to love you didn’t, it wasn’t your fault, thank you for trusting me anyway), he runs fingers through her hair (It’s an honor to be a part of your future, I’m going to care about you, on purpose, for as long as you’ll let me), he tilts up her chin to deepen the kiss (I love you, all of you).

When they part he rests his forehead on hers and allows himself a minute to be in awe of her. He learned a long time ago that Annabeth was brave. But after learning so many of the intimate details of her past, he thinks that her ability to love at all is an act of bravery. Everytime she tells him a secret, or holds his hand, or lets him walk through one of her walls is an act of rebellion. To love Annabeth is to be in awe of her relentless courage.

“Thank you.” He whispers. He doesn’t clarify what for and she doesn’t ask. She just smiles something small and says, “You’re welcome.”

He kisses her forehead because he can and half-laughs out, “You made me a house.”

“Ugh.” She buries her head in his shoulder bites at his collarbone in annoyance. “I hate you.”

“No you don’t, you love me, you know how I know?”

“I’m begging you to shut up.”

“Because you made me a house!” He says gleefully into her hair.

Annabeth shoves him back on the bed and he pulls her down with him. She half on top of him, face buried in his chest when she retorts,

“I made us a house.”

He hopes she doesn’t mind when his arms tighten around her. It’s instinct. And a necessity. And when he whispers i love you into her hair, it's a silent promise. A promise to do anything and everything possible to get them to that house one day. From the way she smiles into his shirt, she’s gonna do the same.

#i cant write anything under 1k for some reason #i hope you like it! <3 #it was rlly fun #ive had the forever house headcanon for so long so im happens its come in use #percabeth #percabeth fic #annabeth chase #percy jackson #rbs appreciated #my writing #anon ask #prompts #fic rec

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perseabethj · 3 years ago

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i don't really have an explanation (iv.)

Percy didn’t let go of Annabeth’s hands once they entered in the apartment. It’s not that he thought she couldn’t defend herself if need be, but he didn’t fully trust his classmates -at least, not drunk. He hadn’t wanted to come to the party, but his friends had convinced him that, as part of the swim team, he couldn’t escape socializing forever. He was happy enough with his small circle of friends, but they had let him know that, while they were also happy being just the four of them, they wouldn’t mind surrounding themselves with the popular crowd every once in a while. Percy had felt a little bit guilty because of denying them that, and Annabeth had told him that going out once wouldn’t hurt. He had decided to trust her (he’d been doing that for years and that was the only reason as to why he was still alive), and thus had told Chris Parker, his team’s captain, that he would maybe show up at his party that weekend. It was Halloween, after all, and he felt a little bit silly staying at home during his senior year of high school. He knew high school parties could get a little bit wild, but the moment the door opened and music filled his ears, he was starting to regret his decision.

‘’I know that this is my first party and all that, but are guys supposed to walk around shirtless? Are they even pretending to wear a costume?’’ Annabeth asked to no one in particular, raising her eyebrows.

‘’We’re talking about the sport jocks,’’ Kayla reminded her with a pointed look, pulling at her cheerleader uniform; she'd never be caught dead with one of this seriously, but her sister had been a cheerleader years ago and Kayla wasn't about to spend forty dollars on a costume she would never wear again.

‘’Hey!’’ Percy exclaimed. These were his teammates, after all (he could also recognise some of the guys from the soccer team and some cheerleaders arounds, and he was pretty sure there were also some marching band kids, but he wasn’t about to point that out, since that would only support Kayla’s point).

‘’Don’t act all offended,’’ Annabeth told him, ‘’you spend half of your time at camp shirtless as well.’’

‘’I spend half of my time at camp at the beach, and the rest of my time I’m sweating my ass off because of you or Clarisse, so be thankful I’m wearing my shirt that half of the time and I don’t go to the dining pavilion naked.’’

‘’While most of Cabin 10 wouldn’t probably mind, Mr. D would turn you into a dolphin the moment he saw your naked butt.’’

‘’That he would,’’ Percy answered, laughing as he let go of her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulder. He leaned into her ear playfully and said, ‘’don’t tell anyone, but I miss the guy.’’

His friends looked at them as if they were crazy, but knew better than to question them.

‘’I need something to drink,’’ Matthew told the group. ‘’Do you want anything?’’

Percy and Annabeth shook their heads, choosing to wait before drinking anything at all (Percy also didn’t want to explain to his friends why he didn’t drink alcohol, and Annabeth knew that). Louis said something that sounded foreign to Percy -seriously, a vodka with a twist on the rocks? Couldn’t he simply say vodka? And did he really have to order it with a twist? He’d never understand rich kids-, and Matthew gave him a thumbs up, which was the only thing he could do with the foam cheer gloves he was wearing along with his baseball player costume.

‘’I’ll come with you,’’ Kayla said, looping her arm around his and dragging him across the hall.

Percy looked around the party, trying to decide what to do. He didn’t have to look at Annabeth to know she was doing the same thing, and he also knew she felt more uncomfortable than he did, since she knew nobody but him and his friends.

‘’I just wanted to let you know you made me lose a bet,’’ Louis suddenly said.

They looked questioningly at him and he pointed at them and their clothes.

‘’I had bet that you wouldn’t wear matching costumes,’’ he said. ‘’I didn’t take you for the kind of couple who does, even if you are all lovey-dovey. You both seem too mature for that.’’

‘’We didn’t plan it,’’ Annabeth told him. ‘’I mean, we both knew we’d be wearing this, but we didn’t really plan it. Percy didn’t know if he wanted to come until the last minute and we had no costumes at home, and we both suck at any kind of DIY. We had this at home from before.’’

‘’From before?’’ Louis asked, an eyebrow raised.

‘’We organised a Greek party at camp once,’’ Percy quickly said. ‘’We kept the clothes in case, and they have thankfully come in handy. An actual toga looks more dignified than a sheet, which was what my mum thought we’d be wearing when we told her about this.’’

‘’You have knifes from before?’’

Annabeth laughed and looked at the knife strapped to her arm. She had used the Mist to make sure her dagger stayed like one and Percy had complained that he couldn’t do that. She had then reminded him that walking around with a three-feet-long bronze sword wouldn’t be the wisest thing to do, considering that, if he were to hit somebody accidentally with it, everyone would know it wasn’t plastic when it simply moved through them, which was why he was weaponless.

‘’Who says it’s not a real knife?’’ Annabeth asked enigmatically.

Before Louis could say anything else, Annabeth pulled Percy forward with her and moved towards the dance floor. She could see Louis’s confused face as he walked to the kitchen to find the rest of the group and laughed lightly before wrapping her arms around Percy’s neck.

‘’You shouldn’t do that,’’ Percy told her, but he was definitely holding back a smile. ‘’His head is going to explode one day if you keep making those kinds of comments.’’

‘’It’s not my fault mortals are so easy to fool.’’

He finally smiled widely and brought her closer, his hands on her waist. Annabeth breathed a sigh of relief -between exams, monsters and the typical anxiousness that all demigods carried whenever they stepped onto the street, being at a party with her boyfriend and worrying about nothing at all was a godsend. She could feel Percy’s smile against her hair, since he was laying his cheek on her head, and she could also hear his heartbeat, her ear pressed against his chest. It didn’t matter to them that the song was definitely not a slow one, and so they swayed slowly to the rhythm of a song that definitely required more moving. Percy knew people were looking at them; not everyone knew he had a girlfriend, even if he wasn’t particularly secretive about it, and they made quite a striking pair in their white togas with golden details, golden tiaras and leather sandals.

‘’I love you,’’ he whispered, and Annabeth was amazed at the way he managed to make it sound romantic even in the middle of a techno song.

‘’I know,’’ she answered softly. ‘’I love you, too.’’

When the song finally ended, they separated; it’s not as if they had actually been paying attention to the music playing, but tuning out two loud songs and managing to dance for so long was too much for two people with ADHD.

‘’Shall we go to the kitchen to get some water?’’ Annabeth asked.

Percy nodded and threw his arm around her shoulder again, her arm automatically moving to wrap around his waist. It had made her uncomfortable at the beginning of the relationship how Percy always wanted to be touching her, since she didn’t fully understand why. She had always been the one to hold his hand when she was scared, and it had taken her a while to realise it was because he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and he never truly believed that she could like him back. Now that Percy knew she loved him just as much as he loved her, his body always found a way to make sure he was touching her; even during the hot summer nights they spent together after the Giant War, he had always managed to wrap his leg around hers or to lay his hand on top of her hip while he slept.

They were greeted by his tipsy friends when they reached the kitchen, who thankfully didn’t question it when Annabeth simply grabbed a bottle of water and Percy a can of coke. Percy was happy with his life at the moment; things might not have been perfect, but they were better than they had been in a long time. His friends liked his girlfriend, nobody was trying to kill him on the regular (he didn’t even care about random monsters anymore; no god or Titan going specifically after him? Are you kidding? A dream ), he was about to have a baby sister, and he hadn’t exploded his school yet. Looking around the group of people surrounding him, he felt a sense of normalcy that he had longed for for a while. Matthew was talking about a different girl he had fallen in love with - ‘’I’m telling you, man, she is the one’’ -, and Kayla was mocking him while Louis laughed quietly and Annabeth laughed with him. He pressed a kiss at the top of Annabeth’s head and brought her even closer, relishing the situation. Of course, good things never lasted forever.

‘’Hey, blondie!’’ John Robinson’s voice called. He tried to grab her arm, but Percy pushed her closer when he felt her slipping away. She didn’t move away from him, but did turn to face John with a steely look in her eyes.

She said nothing, simply arching an eyebrow and defying him to say anything else. Had he been sober, he would have probably walked away -at least, Percy hoped so, since the guy was an asshole, but not stupid-, but he was, very clearly, drunk.

‘’Mind your mouth, Robinson,’’ Percy threateningly said. He saw his friends straightening up from the periphery of his eye, aware that this could lead to something ugly.

‘’You know, blondie, you scared me pretty badly the other day at the meet,’’ he said, slurring his words, ‘’but it was so hot that I jerked off to it when I got home.’’

‘’That’s enough,’’ Percy exclaimed, moving forward and raising his fist before being pulled back by Annabeth.

‘’Stop it!’’ she yelled. She turned to look at him and put one hand on his chest, the other holding his hand and forcing him to look at her before she whispered, ‘’I can do this myself. Besides, you don’t want to be taken off the team.’’

She turned again to look at the laughing John, who was now making fun of Percy. They had attracted a crowd and people were anxiously whispering, both excited and afraid of a fight breaking out.

‘’Man, she must be really good in the bedroom for you to be so submissive.’’

‘’If you don’t shut up, you’ll be breathing through your mouth for the next six weeks,’’ she calmly said.

‘’Oh, come on, blondie, are you being tough because you know it turns me on?’’

He raised his hand to touch her hair, but Annabeth used her left hand to push his arm away and, then, raised her right fist and punched him in the nose. He fell backwards, holding his nose and screaming in pain. His voice was the only one in the kitchen; everyone had gone silent the moment he tried to touch her, expectant of what was about to happen.

‘’You bitch!’’

‘’Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, you big baby,’’ she said, not even holding her hand or caring about her knuckles. She bent down and smiled happily, patting his foot. ’’Be thankful I didn’t dislocate your shoulder, because that’s my speciality. You can ask Percy. It turns him on when I’m tough, too, but, unlike you, he actually gets to do something about it.’’

She stood up and searched for Percy’s hand blindly, who had already extended it to take hers before she was even up. There was still an angry look in his eyes, but there was a troublemaker smile that she adored adorning his face.

‘’Do you want to stay for another song, or should we go home?’’ She asked, ignoring the glances everyone was sending them.

‘’Home,’’ Percy said, smiling. ‘’Definitely home.’’

They started moving towards the door, people moving to let them pass. Just before they were out of the kitchen, Annabeth turned around and smiled sweetly at his friends.

‘’Are you coming?’’

Silently, they followed them, making a mental note not to bother Annabeth or Percy if they didn’t want to end up with a broken nose. Once they were out on the street, Annabeth broke out laughing, and Percy followed. Matthew, Kayla and Louis couldn’t help but laugh as well, and they knew they looked like a group of drunk teenagers, but they didn’t really care.

‘’That was even better than when you judo flipped me,’’ Percy said once he calmed down, using his finger to dry the tears off his face.

Annabeth laughed and elbowed him on the side before pressing her face against his chest. His arm was once again around her shoulders, and they looked just as happy as they had when they had first arrived at the party.

‘’What an uneventful night, though,’’ Annabeth said quite seriously, but with a soft smile on her face.

Percy hummed and nodded, and his friends couldn’t help but wonder what was an eventful night for them. They knew, however, not to ask anymore.

#percabeth fanfiction #percy jackson #percy #percabeth #annabeth chase #annabeth #i don't really have an explanation #my writing

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pens-swords-stuff · 3 years ago

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Hello Undine!! It has been a HOT MINUTE, but it is I, Kewpie Anon!! I had actually sent you a reply a while back, but as I was writing it, my computer crashed🙃. I have ADHD, so all the executive function I mustered to write up my long ass reply faded away...SO HERE'S A TLDR; turns out the mayo we use in our household isn't even kewpie LMAO??? I asked my mum and she was like 「キユーピーって味が酸っぱいから嫌い〜」and I was like *white man blinking gif in Mandela effect*. So I opened the fridge...and it's this brandless mayo bottle with a yellow cap. No clue who the maker is, but it ain't kewpie. So there goes the entire basis of my internet persona😂. ALSO!! I have always loved the キユーピーたらこ CMs, and I aspire to inflict that chaotic gremlin energy upon my friends. Anyway, what finally kicked my ass into gear to reply was this: seeing that you identify as greyasexual biromantic. **SPIDER MAN GIF INTENSIFIES CAUSE I DO TOO?!?!** I am shook. I only know one other person who is biromantic, and it was only because of them that I realised I was too. It sure answered why I had pined for my high school best friend while not wanting anything physical with her. So, yeah!! Solidarity!! Now, here's my question to you: do you read Japanese novels? If so, which ones did you enjoy? Sadly, while I am a fluent speaker, my kanji knowledge is lacking (but I'm working on it!). I'd love to hear your thoughts😊. Cheers!

Kewpie anon!!! It's so nice to hear from you. I was actually just wondering how you were doing a couple days ago.

I am so sorry about your mayo dilemma; that's got to be a huge shock!!! Mandela effect: it's SO real. It's funny, my mom and grandma say the exact same thing about Kewpie mayonnaise. Maybe you're an Ajinomoto family like we are?? We can just pretend that your internet persona is just based off those ICONIC Kewpie tarako commercials and nothing else. Or you know, the actual kewpie dolls.

And oh my god maybe we're actually the same person??? That's incredible, we have so much in common. I personally don't know many biromantic people either!!! Talking about stuff like this is so important, because it took me a really long time actually learn that asexuality was a thing, and even longer to realize that it made a lot of sense to me. I am so glad to have met you omg

I haven't read many Japanese novels, mostly because I always gravitated towards video games, manga, how to draw books, video game guides, and psychology books when I was in Japan, back when I was younger. I got a bit more interested in reading Japanese novels when I started high school, but then I stopped being able to go to Japan every summer like I used to. Which obviously means, less exposure to Japanese bookstores which is a SHAME because they are incredible?? It is insane how enjoyable it is to read Japanese nonfiction books. They're so cute and pretty with so many pictures and diagrams and art while being really easy to read and ughhh

I have no idea when I'm able to go to Japan next, but I'm definitely looking forward to grabbing more novels to read!

Here are the books that I have on my bookshelf right now. I used to have more, but my mom and I are going through a massive house cleaning and reorganization right now, so I packed away the others in boxes.

I actually haven't read most of these yet.

Of these, I've only read ビリギャル. I remember when it was a huge deal several years ago and I picked up it a little while later. It was really good and super inspiring.

I am a huge mystery fan, and because I don't know many Japanese authors and what books are good, you can definitely tell that I trend towards them. 暗黒女子、探偵倶楽部 and その時までサヨナラ are all mysteries. I'll read them someday I'm sure. I think they were all really popular back when they came out because they were on display and had the little notes written about them, you know? So I'm positive that they're amazing.

I haven't read those 王様ゲーム books yet either, but I did read the original 王様ゲーム trilogy (the ones in the picture are the sequel trilogy, I think). One interesting thing that I noticed was that I picked up a lot of psychological horror type books when I was in Japan several years ago, even though I'm not a horror fan. You can read the Wikipedia article here if you're interested! I don't know if this type of story is your jam, but I'm a huge fan of the death game subgenre, so it was right up my alley.

On a similar psychological horror/death game binge (I got all of the horror books at the same time. I must've been going through something), I read モニタールーム and リアル鬼ごっこ.

All of those horror books were really haunting, and my family asked me if I was okay several times as I was reading them. But they were really good; I couldn't put them down.

One book that I remember reading for a 読書感想文 when I was in elementary school is 虹色蛍. It's a story about time traveling to a 昭和 era Japan and while I don't remember the details, I remember it having a pretty profound impact on me as a kid. If kanji is a bit of a struggle for you (isn't it for everyone?), this might be a good one to read since it's geared towards younger audiences, but the story still packs a massive punch and adults can enjoy it too.

I also remember one of my Japanese school classmates lending me ケータイ小説 back when they were a thing called テディベア. I think this was the first Japanese 文庫本 that I read ever. It's definitely a tragic tearjerker, and me and my friends at Japanese school all spent 休み時間 crying our eyes about over this book because my friend had all of us read it.

I know there were a few others, but I can't remember what they're called 😭 I don't even know what to google so I can find them. I'll definitely let you know if I remember anything else.

I'm also studying kanji! I attended a Japanese school every Saturday, so I do know most of the kanji. I can read it just fine to survive everyday in Japan and read books. And if I don't know how to read it, I can use context clues to figure it out. But writing them is definitely a lot harder for me! It's easy to get away with not writing them because we have cell phones and computers to type them out on (I always have my cell phone in hand when writing in Japanese to see how to write the kanji), but I have a couple of 漢字検定 workbooks that are around 六級 and 七級, that I've been slowly working through to brush up on my ability. I want to be able to write them! And my Japanese handwriting is atrocious so I've been practicing them too. When I go to Japan next, whenever that may be, I'm definitely planning on buying several kanji workbooks all the way from elementary school level to high school level so I can practice. And the ones for elementary school kids look really fun, so...

Let me know if you have any reccs for me too. I'm always so overwhelmed at bookstores to make a purchase because they all look so good!

Also I have this very good link for watching バラエティー番組　for free without subscription,,, Let me know if you want it. I love watching them.

#undine answers stuff #not writing #kewpie anon #also just in case you haven't figured it out yet #if you're ever wondering if i've replied or not #you can use the kewpie anon tag to see my latest posts #also i've never typed in japanglish so much before omg #it's exciting

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that-bi-bitch-writes · 4 years ago

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A Cursed Reality- JJK x Male Reader (Ch. 3)

This has a couple time skips. They aren't huge and I didn't know how to format it so I just put little dashes to imply there are time skips.

A lot of this material is taken straight from the manga and adapted a little to fit [Name] and there's a hint to his greater power/purpose in the story as well as his background. Enjoy!!!

Previous // Next

Chapter Three: In hindsight [Name] probably should’ve minded his own business. Actually, NO. He was going to blame everything on Gojo. If Gojo hadn’t sent him on that mission to play dutiful senpai [Name] never would’ve gotten involved with Sukuna’s vessel beyond being his upperclassman. But noooo. Now [Name] actually feels something for Itadori, including an obligation to check on the kid. Yuji would most likely be fine, he was being protected by Gojo, and like [Name]’s favorite Sensei, Yaga seems to at least consider Gojo’s opinion when making decisions. His power is well respected regardless of whether or not the blue-eyed Sorcerer is liked. The problem, in [Name]’s own words, was ‘that damn principal’ who liked to torture some of the more problematic recruits. Yaga of course called it a form of vetting. He didn’t want to enroll any students that would die way too easily or cause more problems than they were worth. With people like Yuji and [Name] the whole vetting process became troublesome. Straightforward but complex. They didn’t hide anything really and didn’t have any secret motives, but there were a lot of unknowns in their lives. Especially about where they came from and how they would act in the heat of the moments. ---------------- “Whoa! It’s in the mountains? Is this really Tokyo?” “This isn;t actually out of the ordinary for a tokyo suburb” “What about Fushiguro?” “He’s fast asleep after receiving jujutsu treatment” -------------------------------- “Fushiguro-kun!” “Hmm” “Fushiguro!” “[Name]-senpai” “Where is Gojo-sensei? Is he back with Yuji yet?” “I’ve been asleep, but Gojo-sensei said he’d leave at 6am” “That was three hours ago” “Yeah” “Good! So they haven’t made it to the principal yet. Sweet dreams Fushiguro-kun” “I’ll come with you” “You’ll need your rest” “But-” “Sleep” and with that [Name] darted out the door hearing Megumi’s body hit the mattress once again. [Name] had to warn Yuji about the principal. Knowing Gojo he’d probably stress the kid out and throw him to the gorilla. Yaga of course being the gorilla. ------------------------------------------- “First thing’s first, Yuji--” Gojo started “You’ve got an interview with the principal.” “The principal?” “If you mess up, you might get rejected for admission, so stay frosty, okay?” “WHAT!? DOES THAT MEAN I CAN GET EXECUTED RIGHT AWAY? Yuji shrieked “What a disappointment... I thought you were the leader… A hierarchy not based purely on strength is boring if you ask me” Sukuna raged on before being slapped into silence. “Sorry Sensei, He comes out sometimes….” “What an interesting body you have now.” Gojo noticed “I owe you a debt, after all” “Not again” Yuji shouted Sukuna ignored Yuji and continued “When I make this Kid’s body mine… You’ll be the first one I kill!” “Silence” “Me a target of the great sukuna? What an honor!” Gojo continued as if nothing had happened Sukuna hadn’t disappeared yet but couldn’t open his mouth. [Name]’s cursed command had a little more strength in it than normal. Gojo may have been immature, unfairly attractive (something that pissed [Name] off for reasons “unrelated” to jealousy) and extremely annoying, but he was the closest thing [Name] had to family. He was there to drag [Name] from out of the wreckage after the accident and he was the first person to welcome [Name] to Jujutsu Tech. So yeah, Sukuna’s threat pissed [Name] off a bit. Yuji finally shook Sukuna off and continued to talk to Gojo. About what [Name] has no clue, the two of them were easily excitable and all over the place. In the meantime he was trying to think of advice to give to Yuji before he was thrown into Gorilla territory. Yaga wouldn’t let [Name] stay for the interview and [Name]’s not exactly sure he’d want to anyway. “Hey Puppy!” “Puppy?” ‘Oh shit’ [Name] thought ‘I totally meant to say Yuji. Okay [Name] just breeze past it’

“You’re going into some dangerous territories/ That old man will be looking for a reason to throw you out. Don’t screw up. Just be yourself... but like the you on ADHD meds” Gojo couldn’t help but snicker and [Name] shot him a look as if to communicate ‘the same can be said about you Satoru’ before walking away. “Thanks [Name]-san!” Yuji called after the retreating boy. He then became incredibly serious “Sensei. You said you’d win. But between [Name] and Sukuna… would he lose?” “I don’t know if he’d win” Gojo said before a pregnant pause “But he wouldn’t die. I know that for sure.” Within Yuji, Sukuna hummed in curiosity. That boy had no trouble overpowering Sukuna. And with one word at that. Of course, right now he had only the strength of one finger, but for the boy not to break a sweat. He couldn’t help but think things were getting interesting. ----------------------- “This is your room, you can do whatever you want with it.” “Whoa it’s huge” “The second- and third-years are out right now. You’ll meet them soon enough. Though there’s not many of them anyway” Yuji whistled, putting up a poster of a woman in a bikini before pausing. “What about [Name]? He asked “Is he out too?" “I actually don’t know. It depends. You see [Name] has a very special relationship with the other second years and sometimes that means trouble for missions, so it’s a 50/50 chance on whether or not he’s still here” Yuji hmmed and Gojo stared at him in silence. “Yuji you don’t need to fight, you know. Fushiguro and I can go and retrieve Sukuna’s fingers. Why don’t you just wait here?” Yuji faced the wall and seemed to be immersed in thought. In all honesty both he and Gojo knew what the answer would be. Only one day was needed to figure out the type of person Yuji was. “No! I said I’d do it didn’t I? But it would be hilarious to see a beaten-up Fushiguro bring the fingers to me while I relax” Both he and gojo thought about it a little. Gojo agreed it would be funny. “Okay! To be honest there’s no way you’re not fighting” “Hey! Was that a test?!” “If they were that easy to find we would’ve found them already! There are some with a large overwhelming presence. Others that keep quiet. And some that have already been consumed by a cursed spirit. “With regard to searching for these things… It’s gonna be a pain. But now we have you. In order to regain its power… The sukuna you consumed will direct you to the whereabouts of the fingers. You’re a vessel as well as a radar. We’re gonna need you in the field” “I don’t think the guy inside me’s that considerate...” “I think we’ll be able to come to a win-win agreement” Gojo concluded “Huh you’re next door? There’re a bunch of empty rooms aren’t there?” “Hey! Fushiguro! You finally look better! And [Name]’s with you” “What kind of an upperclassman would I be if I didn’t check on the first years. It’s my responsibility to make sure you’re all happy and healthy” [Name] said trying to keep up some charade of being a good student. “You woke me up very aggressively” Fushiguro countered “That’s neither here nor there” “I thought it’d be more fun and lively this way. And obviously I was right” Gojo answered Fushiguro’s question pointing to an oblivious Yuji who was looking at [Name] with pure adoration in his eyes. [Name] looked at the pink haired boy with well hidden fondness. If you didn’t already know [Name], you’d think the blank look on his face meant he hated the kid Fushiguro stared at them for a moment before realizing he’d rather argue than let Gojo be right. “Classes and missions are more than enough!” “Anyway… It’s fine!!! More importantly we’re goin’ out tomorrow!!” Both Yuji and Megumi stared at Gojo. Yuji in surprise, Fushiguro in annoyance “We’re going to get the third first-year student. “Count me out” [Name] spoke up reminding everyone that he too was still there “I’ve got somewhere to be” “Ooh [Name] has a daate” “Can it old man. I’m just going somewhere with Toge” “How is that any different from what I just said”

[Name] ignored the teacher and stalked off toward the second year dorms. “See you later puppy, emo kid”

“Wait for me!” Gojo called out chasing after the second year “I’ve got something to talk to you about”

----------

“So who’s Toge?”

“Inumaki-senpai’s a second year and the one of the only people [Name] likes in this school. I can count them all on one hand.”

-----------------------------

“So,” [Name] paused “What did you want to talk about?”

“Yuji’s at risk. I can tell you kinda care about him and Megumi so I’m going to use that. When I’m gone you have to protect them. Any means necessary. That includes cursed storytelling”

[Name]’s eyes widened at the mention of his technique. The power itself wasn’t as strong as a domain, but in [Name]’s hands it was deadly. Only he and Gojo knew about it, and if Gojo wanted him to use it, he had no choice.”

“Okay”

#male reader #x male reader #male reader insert #reader insert #a cursed reality #jjk x male reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x male reader #jjk x m!reader #male!reader #jujutsu kaisen #inumaki x you #that bi bitch writes

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tinydancer-busyday · 4 years ago

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ADHD and girls

My friend got me into TikTok about a year ago, which in hindsight was excellent timing because the last year has required every single dopamine boost that time-eating app can give me. In the last few months I found myself on ADHD TikTok and thinking, wow, I identify with a lot of this stuff, like, with all of this stuff. Interesting...

So I stayed on ADHD TikTok and learned enough that I started Googling and going through symptom lists and taking self-report questionnaires and thinking about my childhood... It seemed increasingly obvious to me that I was one of those girls in young adult life realizing it really isn’t this hard to keep up for everyone. Just because we weren’t outwardly hyper and disruptive didn’t mean our minds were also calm and undistracted.

I love knowing why’s, how things work, and what motivates what, and so I wanted to look into getting a diagnosis. If so many of the things I struggled to change were ADHD symptoms, maybe tackling ADHD as the root cause would help change things. Better to tackle the source rather than the product, right?

But I’d seen the videos and read the articles from women telling how hard they had to fight for their diagnosis, how they had to convince doctor after doctor, and were misdiagnosed or ignored. I was worried. I’m non-confrontational by nature, fighting an authority figure to see things my way is terrifying.

So I prepared. I created a five page document of symptoms from lists I’d found and that I experienced. I found the most legitimate, professional self reports I’d found, the kind that say to give them to your doctor when you’ve filled them out, and I put them all in a cloud folder so I could immediately pull them up on my phone or email them to doctors if they asked. And then I waited for my doctor’s appointment.

My doctor is great. A younger woman, who sometimes wears WonderWoman graphic tees, she almost unquestioningly gave me a referral to a psychiatrist, even referencing the now known fact that ADHD is under-diagnosed in girls and women. As the first hurdle, this was so reassuring.

Shockingly quickly, only a couple weeks later, I heard from the psychiatrist’s office to book an appointment, only two weeks away. They had me fill out a 40 minute online questionnaire. It’s a good thing I like personality tests and questionnaires!

This past week the day of the appointment arrived. I reread my curated symptom list and questionnaires, hoping I wouldn’t have to argue my case, but hoping to be prepared if I did. For an hour two doctors asked me question after question. They were both very friendly, thankfully, but it still felt like a very personal intense job interview.

At the end the psychiatrist simply said, so it looks like you fit the criteria for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, to which the other doctor agreed.

I was a bit taken aback. I would've been shocked not to get a diagnosis in the end, but I didn't expect to get it on the first appointment! Also, GAD? Not a surprise in the slightest, but having got the referral for ADHD in particular I wasn't even aware that was on the table! Can’t slip anything by a psychiatrist, I suppose!

So now I have my root cause. Two in fact! I can tackle them with the many tips and tricks from therapists, psychiatrists, and fellow ADHDers and GADers, or I can go the medical route, or I can chose both. It’s a bit of an anti-climactic relief to finally have some answers. My brain is actually wired different and going at it in a neurotypical way won’t help, as evidenced by the last twenty-odd years of my life. Hopefully now I can find a way to go at it that feels more natural, and works with it instead of fighting it.

So many of the stories I found were people having to fight for diagnosis and of doctors refusing to listen. While those experiences do happen way more often than they should, maybe this can comfort a future undiagnosed ADHDer getting ready to pursue a diagnosis, it’s not always like that. Sometimes it’s downright easy.

#adhd #undiagnosed adhd #adhd in women #adhd in girls #neurodivergent

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echo-of-sounds · 4 years ago

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i don’t know

Okay, I don’t know where else to put this, so you can ignore it if you want, but I just need to get some thoughts, feelings, and anxieties out before I breakdown because of them. This’ll probably get long. And I’ll probably cry from frustration while writing this.

Two summers ago, when I was 21, my therapist said it was a possibility that I had Asperger's, mainly because of the social and cognitive symptoms. I have a horrible time understanding abstract information. In school, I cold never do a project unless I had concrete details. I just couldn’t grasp what they were asking of me. Teachers would narrow it down a bit, but it never helped. I need a clear outline. I legitimately could not do it otherwise. I froze and panicked and ended up nearly failing projects because of the lack of concrete direction.

I have a hard time understanding, what should be, simple sentences. I ask people to reword what they said or explain it in more depth. Some do. Some get angry and accuse me of not paying proper attention. I completely am. But I genuinely cannot make sense of their words and feel left out because they refuse to repeat themselves. It’s so frustrating. I loose track of the conversation, stop contributing, then they get angry again because I’m not responding to them.

My memory pertaining to certain things, is beyond amazing. I can recite the seating arrangements from all of my high school class. That was five years ago. But outside of that, it’s terrible (I know ADHD plays a role in this too). I always focus on the smaller details even if they weren’t important. I focused so much on them, I failed to see the larger picture. This also impacted so much of my schoolwork.

When I talk, I have no inflection. My voice is low and I often mumble. So many people have gotten angry at me for it. Then when I try to speak louder, to the point I’m genuinely strain myself and feel like I’m yelling, they still say I’m too quite. So I give up talking.

I had to go to speech therapy when I was younger (around 5 and 6 years old) because I still had trouble learning how to speak. My mom said I wouldn’t properly pronounce anything, use words wrong, and ‘babble’ a lot.

I’m so fucking clumsy. I bruise myself regularly because I just run into everything, even though they’ve been in the same place for years. I hit my hands off of things, nearly run into walls, and kick things often.

And my sensitivities are off the charts. It’s honestly ridiculous (I know ADHD also plays a role in this, but sometimes I feel like it’s much more than that). People tell me to stop being a picky eater when the smell of fish makes me want to vomit and feeling beans in my mouth is just plain wrong. The only smell I can tolerate is vanilla. Anything else and I want to cry. Clothing is horrible. I’m so rarely comfortable. And noises are the worst. My dad says it’s quite, but I can hear the Tv, the Tv in the other room, the sink running, that beeping, the AC going, someone clicking, the sizzling on the stove, and it’s all too much.

When I was younger, I used to have temper tantrums. A lot. They were bad. I’d hit myself, scratch myself with pens, and bang my head off the floor. I barely remember them, but I do remember it being more than just a ‘temper tantrum.’ The world was just too much and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I had a meltdown.

The severe self-harm eventually stopped, but the meltdown’s still happen to this day. My mom tries to get me to talk about it so she can help. But I can’t even explain why it happened half the time. It just did.

I’ve had so few close friends throughout my life. The ones I do make, don’t last. It’s hard for me to keep them as a friend. They don’t do anything wrong or bad. I just can never keep that connection. I barely interact with people. Even when they’re around, I just don’t talk. I abhor looking people in the eyes. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t even know why! People get angry at me. They think I’m ignoring them when I’m not. I’m just not looking directly at them.

Communicating my feelings and expressing empathy is something I just cannot do. So I fake it. I feel worse about not feeling bad about someone’s trouble than I do actually feeling bad for them (I don’t know if that makes sense). I fake it so I don’t sound rude. I don’t want them to be angry at me.

I’d get in trouble at school when I did something ‘wrong,’ but I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I still don’t to some point. Teachers just told me I broke a rule and was in trouble. When I would ask why, they said I should be able to know that by myself. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I thought about it.

I have a morning routine. I do it daily. If it ever gets interrupted, stopped, or I can’t complete it for whatever reason, my entire day is off. I try to continue normally, but I can’t focus. I just now my morning was messed up and I spend the rest of the day obsessing over it. It doesn’t go away until the next day when I can complete it properly.

I’ve always had hyperfocuses. ADHD affects this. I know. Some come and go, like a certain video game will consume my life or I’m suddenly preoccupied with writing poems for a week. But those go away. All my life, I’ve loved reading and learning about dinosaurs/megafauna/evolution, plants, and psychology. They’re easy for me to learn about. I retain so much information without trying. I never had to study for my psych. exams. Never. And I always aced them. I just obsessed about the subject and they remained in my memory so well.

As for stimming, I’ve done a lot of different things throughout my life, but I was always told to stop, told they were annoying, or questioned about them. So I stopped doing each one because I was scared people would get angry with me. Because some have.

I used to rub my fingers together. It kept my hands busy, but it also helped me focus and relieved some anxious energy. I didn’t know why. It just made me feel better. I’d be on the computer, using the mouse with my right hand, rubbing my fingers together with my left. My dad questioned why I did it. I didn’t have an answer so I did it less. I did it in school, while taking a test, and the teacher told me to stop because it was disruptive. I eventually stopped doing it all together because people would constantly make me feel bad for it.

I also used to babble. It was one of the reasons I was sent to speech therapy. Instead of helping me learn how to talk properly, because I did need help with that, the workers there just forced me to stop babbling/humming/repeating a word because it wasn’t proper behavior for the situation I was in.

Though I don’t babble anymore, as that was basically forced out of my behavior, I still hum and repeat lines (whether from a Tv show or a book) to myself, sometimes for days at a time. I also move my head and neck around and twist my wrists while I’m focusing on something. Half the time, I don’t realize I’m doing it. It takes another person to point it out.

My therapists said it was a possibility that I had Asperger’s. My psychiatrist said she didn’t believe so because I was able to connect with her. She felt I didn’t ‘align’ with the social troubles. I can talk to her, share feelings, look her in the eye, smile ate jokes (though sometimes I fake smile- I see another person smile so I match it), and I don’t have trouble going off topic and rambling about specific subjects.

I said okay at the time. She’s a smart woman and I trust her. But ever since, it’s been on my mind. I’ve always felt different. I don’t mean that in like ‘I’m special’ kind of way. I mean it like, ‘There’s something wrong with me and I don’t understand what it is. I don’t understand why others can do X while that takes me longer/more effort to understand. I genuinely felt ostracized. But I just accepted it.’

I don’t know how to bring it up to my mom and/or dad. I know my mom will be supportive, but I’m scared about other people. My younger brother makes jokes about autism. My siblings, dad, and stepmom don’t do anything. It pisses me off to no end. I’ve yelled and sworn at him for what he says. But he keeps doing it. My other siblings say it’s just a joke and I need to relax, but I can’t. They aren’t jokes. They’re rude, ableist, and most of them are making fun of things I do. He, nor none of family, just don’t that because I keep them hidden.

And I don’t know how to bring it back up to my psychiatrist. I feel connected to many of the symptoms and like it explains so much of my life, especially when I was young, but I don’t know how to explain all my thoughts on the subject. When she asks me a question, I often freeze and undercut my own troubles and downplay it. I’ve been obsessing over this the past few months. It’s partly why my depression got bad for a time. I don’t know it I’m making a mountain out of a mole or if I should actually seek professional help to help me, especially since I’ve applied for disability benefits because my mental health has been so bad the past couple of years.

Anyway, I’m done my ranting. Thanks for listening if you did. And I’m open to advice. I’ve just felt so stuck recently and I feel like it’ll only get worse.

#neurodivergent #autism support #autistic spectrum #mental health #personal?#it's definitely personal #personal rant #ignore my rambling #tw ableism

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secondpubertyscene · 3 years ago

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8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

#personal blog #vent blog #black ftm #black transman #black tpoc #black mental health #personal writing blog #sociology #sociology phd program #covid #grief

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kawaiijellymonster · 4 years ago

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Okay so I have a kind of crazy idea/thought. As you may know, I have a complicated relationship with religion. I was raised christian, I hate it, I also hate that it’s so incorporated in my brain. My thoughts on religion have often been summed up as “it’s pretty much russian roulette, you pick a religion and maybe its the right one and hooray you get the afterlife you want, but more likely you pick the wrong one and you’re fucked” which is incredibly stressful for me so I pretty much threw it all out.

However, recently I had a conversation with a friend about the definition of and uses of religion because I had a co-worker say “you have to have something to pray to or it’ll drive you mad” and I read a fic that will come into play later, and I read a story here on tumblr that made me think about it some more.

Put very very simply, I want to create a religion and I need help because my adhd brain won’t let me focus.

So the first thing when you start any endeavor is to define what you’re doing. In this scenario I am trying to define religion. Now, a while ago my friend used to ask the science teachers at school “why” questions until he pissed them off enough they passed him to the next teacher, and finally the new ap environmental teacher said “Science can only answer cosmic ‘how’ questions, Religion is for answering cosmic ‘why’ questions” basically saying “no I can’t tell you why gravity works (bc that's religion), but I can tell you how”. So if I’m creating a definition religion it needs to have the capability of answering all cosmic why questions.

Therefore: “Religion is a humans attempt to understand and explain life, existence, and purpose as well as put that understanding to work in their everyday life”

Now you might be saying “but Christi! what does that second part have to do with answering cosmic why questions!?” and this is where I say it doesn’t but it is part of the why of religion. “Why do people participate in religion?” aside from the aforementioned me and my friend came up with a couple reasons people do religion which are:

To cope with events/thoughts

As a framework or guide for how to live life

To take responsibility for actions and thoughts away from the self

As someone to talk to

Establishment of a routine

The third one is actually the one that references to a fic, basically a character got overwhelmed because finals and too much coffee and hearing too much and migraines, and then their significant other came home and guided character A into a kneeling position on the floor while person B sat on the couch with his thighs on either side of person A. This allowed person A to have this “I’m safe and protected and I don’t need to be on edge, anything that happens is no longer up to me” kind of thought process that I think we tend to also apply to religion. That idea of “if god wants me to do well on this test then I will” or “these bad/good things happened because god wanted them to” you can easily come up with more examples.

The first, and the last two are in reference to this tumblr post not to talk too long but basically a small god has a tiny shrine, he doesn’t have much power but a farmer prays to him every day, and bad things happen and the little god can’t do anything to prevent it, and the farmer still prays because this little god means something to him, its a routine, its someone to talk to, and as his fields burn down and his family dies he has a dedication that he can use to cope. It’s kind of tragically beautiful and I 100% recommend you read that story btw.

Now for like frameworks of how to live life I don’t really have all that many that my god will have but here are the few I do have:

Try to improve, never settle for the way you are now and always try to be kinder

Don’t tolerate ignorance or scorn when it causes damage

Never put yourself in a situation that makes you viscerally uncomfortable

Doing your best is good enough

Say no to drugs and alcohol (this is just a personal preference)

Remain humble in all that you do, never expect to be the best

However if someone treats you as though you know nothing, prove them wrong

If it makes you happy it’s worth it

But basically, I need help coming up with more of the nuts and bolts of who this god will be, what their name will be, other frameworky “how to live life” kinds of things, maybe some lore too. I really want it to be the kind of god that has a shrine simply because of the aesthetic.

As a PSA it will be a god that supports all variants of LGBTQ+ and nerf’s TERFS because we don’t support that in this good non christian sapphic household.

So yeah if you wanna help and be in my lil cult I guess this is gonna be, DM me with your snapchat and I can create like a groupchat or something (no I don’t have discord, don’t attack me), or send an ask with thoughts/suggestions on the subject to either @kawaiijellymonster or @girlsareverypretty (they’re both me).

#rambles #religion #is this considered creating a cult?

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greekgeek21 · 4 years ago

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Percy Jackson & The Avengers: Convergence - percy is taken by the men (women) in black

Ok, so by what I've been hearing, there has been some confusion regarding the timeline, so here's the full explanation: figure it out for yourselves. My beta reader and I have already discussed this (MONTHS AGO IN FACT!) and we ultimately decided to not go into any specifics because it wasn't important to the story and the only thing you guys needed to know was that Percy and Annabeth were 18 now, and it's after the first Avengers movie and that Thor's not there. Got it? Ok, now to the real good stuff!

Thank you to all the people who have responded kindly to this story. Honestly, it made my day to find that I had already received 3 reviews on ff before it had even been out an hour. So, thanks so much guys.

THIS IS STILL CANON I JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE CHARACTERS MENTION MAGNUS CHASE OR THE KANES YET YOU��MONGRELS!!! Ok. I think I covered everything. Stay safe and happy reading!

- your author

PS hopefully these will start to get shorter cuz I hate reading long A/Ns on other fanfics so I don't want to be THAT person.

Ω ♆ Ω

Knock Knock

"Come in, Hill," Fury said, already knowing it would be his second-in-command.

As she entered, Fury noticed a slight change in her attitude. It wasn't large, but it was noticeable to the experienced spy's eyes. It was almost- confusion? What could she have discovered that caused her to be confused?

"Sir, I found a possible suspect. He's...not what we expected," Hill told him, placing a file on his desk.

The file included a single piece of paper. A SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER!!! Who was this guy that could evade SHIELD's suspicion for so long? Surely, someone smart. Very smart.

"What do you mean, Hill?" he asked, picking up the paper.

The woman in question cleared her throat before responding, "See for yourself. He's just a kid."

Not displaying any surprise, though there was some going through his head, Fury read the information on the sheet:

Name: PERSEUS "PERCY" JACKSON

Gender: MALE

Age/DOB: 18; AUGUST 18, 1993

Status: ALIVE

Last Known Location: MANHATTAN, NY

Place of Birth: MANHATTAN, NY

Race: CAUCASIAN

Height: 6'1"

Hair: BLACK

Eyes: GREEN

Disabilities: DYSLEXIA, ADHD

Family: Sally Blofis (Formerly Jackson), Mother - ALIVE

Paul Blofis, Step Father - ALIVE

Estelle Blofis, Maternal Half Sister - ALIVE

Gabe Ugliano, Step Father - MISSING

BIOLOGICAL FATHER UNKNOWN

Education: GOODE HIGH SCHOOL - EXPELLED

YANCY ACADEMY - EXPELLED

...6 OTHER EXPULSIONS

Abilities/Weapons: CLASSIFIED

Other Info: Was involved in a nation-wide manhunt at 12 years old; Pushed class into shark tank; Blew up school bus with colonial cannon; Flooded an Aquarium; Seen traveling Greece with six other teens after missing three months of school (wasn't reported missing by parents);Suspected abilities; Was seen at Brooklyn Bridge explosion

Fury sighed. Just great. Another troublemaker to give him a headache. And what was with the Classified stamp? Nothing is classified to the director of the company who created the file, so why was this?

Deciding to put it off for further thought, and steeling himself over again, Fury gave his orders to Agent Hill, "Find him. Bring him in for questioning. Don't make a scene."

They were simple orders in themselves, but Fury knew better than to expect everything to go smoothly. Any second grader could figure out that Perseus Jackson was not one to do things smoothly. Hell, it would be a miracle if they even got the chance to talk to the kid before he did some crazy stunt that would most likely get someone hurt. That's just how Fury's luck was.

"Understood, sir. I'll let you know when we have him in custody," Hill answered before briskly striding out the office door.

Fury sighed once she was gone, running a hand over his face. With nobody watching, he could truly let the stress on the inside seep into the outside. It wasn't just this one case either, there had been a couple other bombings popping up around the US, and they weren't any closer to finding the source. All they knew about them was that they were connected and that they were seemingly random attacks. Add finding Jackson to the mix and his mind was about ready to implode.

But unfortunately, the director of SHIELD didn't have time for breaks, so he went back to work on the multitude of information residing on his desk.

Ω ♆ Ω

Percy and Annabeth were back at home, which was currently the Blofis apartment, and they were enjoying every minute of it. With his sister Estelle around, there was always something to do. Percy absolutely adored his sister. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her. Just another side effect of his fatal flaw.

He hadn't told his mother or Paul what had happened during their trip, not wanting to worry them, but he had given Annabeth the simple explanation when he got back. He made sure to stress that he had been discreet, so she had eventually given up the interrogation. That's why it was such a surprise when they were sent a visitor not a week later.

When it happened, Percy was playing with Estelle in the living room while Annabeth studied in their room. Even though she had graduated from high school early, and they weren't due to start at New Rome University for several months, she insisted on keeping up with her studies. He, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less about school. The only reason he was going to college was so he could stay near Annabeth.

Sally was cooking lunch in the kitchen, and Paul was at work. There wasn't much the man could do for the case of Percy's expulsion from Goode, but he still worked there as an English teacher. And Percy used the powers of being a savior of Olympus to get a diploma for himself from the gods anyway. Annabeth still made him study sometimes, but he figured it was the least he could do after practically giving his girlfriend a heart attack when he announced he wasn't planning on finishing mortal high school.

Just as he was about to let Estelle win their game of cars, there was a knock at the door. Since his mother was closer to it, Percy didn't feel the need to interrupt his playtime with his baby sister. A year ago, Percy would have bolted to the door to make sure it wasn't a monster, but ever since the end of the Giant War, monsters tended to steer clear of the smell of the sea. Besides Kelli, of course. She was a perpetual nuisance for Percy.

And just as he was about to make his car lose, his mother called him, "Percy! There's someone at the door for you."

He was immediately on alert. The way his mom's voice sounded made it seem like she was trying to warn him, so his mind went straight down monster lane. Gripping Riptide in his pocket, Percy made his way to the front door, trying to act casual, but his muscles were tensed for battle.

"Coming, Mom!" he answered.

What he found was certainly not what he was expecting. Sure, it wouldn't have been a surprise to find that it wasn't obviously a monster, but his eyes weren't completely masked by the Mist. He could still tell when in the presence of something related to the divine, and he most-certainly was not in that moment.

As he got to the door, he noticed that his mom had positioned her body to block the entrance to the apartment. So not a monster, but possibly a threat, he concluded.

"Who's this?" he asked his mom, taking her place in front of the doorway.

"I'm Agent Hill with the FBI, and I have a few questions to ask. Would it be alright if we stepped inside?" the woman introduced herself, flashing a badge.

Percy wished he could have checked the badge's authentication, but his dyslexia prohibited that. He did his best to keep a cool persona as he acted like he could actually read what was on the badge. Given that his mother hadn't made any protests, he passed it off as good enough.

He narrowed his eyes at the agent, assessing her threat level quickly before deciding that saying 'no' would cause more trouble than saying 'yes' and answering with a simple, "Sure."

He and his mom backed away and let the women enter before shutting the door behind them. As the woman walked inside, Percy and his mom shared a silent conversation. He told her to take Estelle to her room and stay with her after alerting Annabeth of their visitor. He was sure that his girlfriend had already figured it out, but better to be safe than sorry.

"Take a seat. Do you want anything to drink?" Percy gestured to the kitchen table and went to grab glasses out of the cupboard.

The woman took a seat before saying, "Some water would be great, thank you."

Percy mentally noted that the woman was keeping a professional front while trying to still be friendly.

After he had gotten the water and sat himself down across from Agent Hill, he said, "You said you wanted to ask some questions. I'm not sure why, though. I haven't done anything."

Hill took a sip of her water before responding, "Well, we are just going over some of our older files and wanted to fill in some blanks on yours. For instance, where were you when you disappeared? We have a record saying you were spotted in Greece."

Percy had been prepared for this question. Annabeth had ingrained it in his head after he had run into his old swim team and had fumbled over an answer. After that, Annabeth had come up with a whole explanation for what seemed like every possible question out there.

So, he quickly answered, "I was with my dad."

He had been told that it was best to answer with short sentences. That way there was less room for confusion. Honestly, he was surprising himself with the calmness he exhibited. Annabeth had suspected he would end up needing her to rescue him if the need for these explanations ever arose.

"I thought you didn't know who your dad was," Hill countered smoothly, gaze becoming almost snake-like.

"We recently connected. He lives in Greece," Percy said.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could make out some blond curls peeking out from the edge of the hallway leading to the bedrooms. His mind let out a sigh at the knowledge that his Wise Girl was here to save him from whatever inevitable mistake he made.

"Ok, then could you please inform me of his name?" Hill asked, "And then maybe we could travel somewhere more private for the rest of my questions."

She could tell that they were being spied on, then. That seemed like a little above the average skill-level of an FBI agent to Percy, but he was just basing his thoughts off of movies, so he wasn't too sure.

Whatever the case, there was no way that he was going to go anywhere with Agent Hill. Here at home, he was on his turf. Wherever he was taken would be unknown territory, and it was common sense to not go into there.

Trying to dodge the name question, he said, "I'm not going anywhere with you without a warrant. I have rights, you know."

He was just saying what sounded right. Honestly, he had slept through US History. He barely knew who the first president was, let alone his constitutional rights.

"Those are irrelevant with probable cause, and we're only going to ask some more questions. I promise that if you come calmly, there will be no record of it anywhere," Hill said, standing up and brushing off invisible dirt from her clothes.

Percy thought about it, he really did...for a whole three seconds. I mean, what would one expect from the most irrational person on the planet?

"Yeah...sorry but I'm not going anywhere with you, especially not calmly," he said, standing up and reaching into his pocket again.

Even though he knew that the Agent was a mortal, and that Riptide would be useless in a fight against her, he still had an instinct to go for his most-trusted weapon when endangered. And in the moment, he felt extremely endangered.

Hill seemed to be trying to inconspicuously reach for her gun, but he saw it. His ADHD had kicked into overdrive, and he was noticing every little movement the woman made. ADHD could come in handy sometimes.

"Mr. Jackson, I highly suggest you stand down and let me take you in. I don't want this to get messy," Hill said smoothly, holding a hand out in a placating gesture.

"Too bad everything I do gets messy," Percy said, trying to simply swipe Agent Hill's legs out from under her, but she jumped over it and threw a punch to his temple, which is swiftly dodged.

Percy may have been taught to never hit girls when he was younger, but when he became a demigod, he learned that a threat could come from anywhere, and more often than not, it came from the female gender (or something resembling a female).

His signature troublemaker smirk made its way onto his face when he realized that this fight was actually something he had to work for. He wasn't arrogant persay, but he knew what he had defeated before, and a simple mortal isn't usually a comparison to them. But he knew better than to underestimate any opponent. Annabeth taught him that one. Speaking of Annabeth, she was still hiding behind the wall, probably waiting until the prime moment to strike. Always the strategist!

Hill and Percy's fight become a fluid motion. Sometimes they got a hit in, but most of the time it was a game of defend and retaliate. Nobody had the upper hand...yet.

Percy may be better at swordsmanship, but it wasn't like he was completely ignorant to hand-to-hand combat. He knew some stuff, including how to feint and attack. Blame Luke for that one.

So, Percy used the technique. He wasn't actually expecting it to work, considering the obvious skill level of the agent he was fighting, but maybe a simple trick was just the thing he needed to knock her off her game. Even so, when he feinted a punch to her temple, just to pull back and knee her in the stomach, he didn't stop in shock. He let his adrenaline guide him into pulling the woman into a headlock that even Tyson, with all his cyclops strength, would have trouble getting out of.

Hill pulled at his arm a couple times before giving up on that strategy and trying another one: talking, "You know, Perseus, this little display makes it really hard for me to believe you're innocent. In case you haven't noticed, you're holding a federal agent in a headlock."

Percy grip barely loosened, but his determination to defy the agent's questions lessened. She was right. What makes her think that he's one of the good guys if he fought another one of them? Nothing, that's what. Because of this, he let out a large sigh, making eye contact with Annabeth (who's eyes widened in realization and shock), and released Agent Hill. He knew that she had manipulated her, but he also knew that what she had said was true.

As soon as Hill was out of his hold, she turned around while simultaneously pulling her gun out and pointing it at Percy, chest heaving for breath, "Don't move! Get on your knees and put your hands behind your head."

Percy complied, but he could see Annabeth finally slipping into the light, ready to fight off the woman arresting her boyfriend. He met her eyes and tried to convey his thoughts, but she ignored him, instead opting to go ballistic on Agent Hill.

"What do you think you're doing?! Let him go!" she yelled and grabbed Percy as Hill cuffed Percy with some seriously high-tech handcuffs and tried to pull him to his feet.

Hill kept a steel face as she shoved Percy towards the door, "He assaulted a federal agent. I have probable cause."

All of the noise had pulled Sally out of her hiding spot in her daughter's room. Once she saw what was happening, she joined Annabeth in protest. Percy just really wanted them to let it happen. Better it be him than anyone else.

"Mom, Annabeth, let me go. I'll be fine, I promise." Percy said, eyes pleading as they reached the front door.

Annabeth scoffed, eyebrows furrowing, "Like that means anything!"

"Mom, let me go. I'll be fine," After saying that to his mother, Percy turned to Annabeth, "Tell my cousins what's going on. They can help."

He prayed that she understood what he was trying to say. He wanted her to tell their demigod friend's what happened to him, and then they could help her with whatever plan she comes up with. Knowing Annabeth, she already had a plan, though, so there was no doubt in his mind that she had understood what he was insinuating.

Annabeth hesitated before giving him a curt nod. Hill took that as her signal to tug him out the door, but before he was completely gone, Annabeth grabbed his face in her hands and gave him a kiss. They were deepening it as the Agent once again pulled him away. Annabeth and his mom's worried faces followed him until he was inside the elevator, heading down to the lobby.

On the ride down, his entire body tensed up as flashbacks from the Doors of Death shot through his mind. Usually, he could push them away when Annabeth was there with him, but the stress of the previous hour was weighing on his mind, so it became difficult. Hill seemed to think that he was going to try to resist again, so she pulled out her gun again, aiming at his side. For the first time, Percy noticed that the gun looked a little odd; it was glowing blue. Then, before he could react, Hill pulled the trigger and the last thing Percy saw before he blacked out was blue liquid seeping out of his side.

Ω ♆ Ω

How was it? Let me know in the comments! As always, like, follow, and reblog pls!! Thank you to my amazing beta reader, nightskywithrainbows on Ao3! This would suck without you! Go check out their writing!

- your author

other chapters :)

#pjo #heroes of olympus #the avengers #mcu #percy jackson and the olympians #fanfic #writing #superheroes #team up #I don't know what other tags to put so here is a super long one

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arcana-presenting-nipples · 5 years ago

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Headcanons when MC has ADHD

Asra:

Used to it since you grew up together

Very in sync with your thoughts

Y'all are the disaster dynamic duo since he's constantly zoning out and lost in thought and running into things

You get eachother and look out for each other

If you suddenly bring up a topic from a conversation days or even months ago he immediately knows what you're talking about and jumps in with you

You share 3 brain cells between you two

Makes special reminder /alarm type tokens to help you remember stuff

Nadia:

Endeared but sometimes it still takes her by surprise when you interrupt with a random topic or are forgetful

Highly intrigued and fascinated by your hyperfixations, will ask questions

Loves to lean her head on her fist and watch you ramble

Gets you gold and bejeweled fidget toys

If adderall exists will get you the best treatments in the land

Julian:

He gets super into your hyperfixations debates them with you

Brings out his leeches and says it's his turn

Does ritalin or adderall exist?

If it does he got you he's got a dealer

You two might actually land yourselves in prison if you too are impulsive together

Get rowdy with Julian!

Knows coping techniques and will teach you if you want to learn

If you bring up a random qUestion he doesn't know the answer to he won't stop until he does

This leads to shenanigans

Mc: how come sugar is sticky when it's wet but not when it's a rock?

Julian: ....

Mc: ???

3 hours later Mazelinka comes home to finding you lying on the floor covered in sugar as more sugar burns on the stove

Mazelinka: WHAT HAPPENED?

MC: WE NEEDED TO KNOW!

Julian: SCIENCE!

Muriel:

Sometimes overwhelmed by how much your mind jumps around

But he always listens and remembers everything you say

You'll be surprised that he was listening because he was doing his own thing while you rambled, but if you lose your train of thought he knows exactly where you left off and prompts you to keep going

I mean he grew up with you too so he's pretty accustomed to being the cautious responsible one with both you and Asra

He knows memory enhancement spells to help you

When you're hyperfocused on a task inside he's busy carving and enjoys your company quietly while you do your thing and he does his.

Carves you fidget toys and gets really bashful when you thank him and praise his skill

Will steer you gently out of the way of bumping into stuff when you're distracted

Sweet boy

Except when you fluster him with flirting then he'll purposefully try to distract you with Iiterally anything

"Look, a squirrel! "

Portia:

She grew up with Ilya she's used to it

Responsible one, she gotta be with being Nadia's number one servant

Organized chaos

Manages to know your train of thinking when you bring up a random topic

Casual reminders

"Babe dont forget to take your pills/ make that potion/ pick up bread on the way home"

Will make you lists and buy you notebooks to keep track of things to do and your random thoughts

Knows when to steer you away when you've been hyperfocused on a task for too long

But will also indulge your hyper side especially if you want to go adventuring or investigating with her, then the world better watch out oh shit

Power couple

Lucio:

Sometimes so confused when you suddenly change subjects

Thinks you have superpower

Or super intelligence or something bc he can't keep track of the intricacies of your mind

If you ever get sensory overload he'll shout at everybody to shut up and they will

Or he'll cover your ears himself and hiss at people

Gets miffed when your attention is distracted from him so he shows off even more so

Or he will secretly study your hyperfixations so he can have your attention and enthusiasm when he talks or asks about them

If you get jittery he will massage you

If you ask for meds he'll dump them on you

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crimeronan · 4 years ago

Note

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing. and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do. i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually. i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love. love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die. love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive. but maybe i wish i did. spite doesn’t help me much there. spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable. there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me. i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral. that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless. but it would be a lie of omission. spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them. cry on them. support each other. like each other. fine.” you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes. i have people i love. i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner. i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone. i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them. i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival. i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received. (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this. i’ve told them all this, they know. they’re glad of it.)

so. what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world. it’s all the little connections i’ve made. every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe. hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away. no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane. partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn. blue light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs. my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain. right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting. but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space. it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there. it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration. rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years. i have to start smaller. i’m not used to keeping physical objects. dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual. but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken. there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know. i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch. they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds. there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone. i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard. we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway. some seem to have sprouted by accident. mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence. the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment. birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with. we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky. i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie. i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get. i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above. i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom. the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself. in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall. we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours. the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth. mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it. slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites. the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate. of course we’d end up behind someone. this isn’t divine intervention. this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic. if i want it to be.

and it was. it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing. i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building. and i can keep going. i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here. you get the picture. love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise. although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much. probably some of them would enjoy my death. i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike. a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay. because i’m bipolar. because i’m autistic. because i’m a dropout. because i grew up poor. because my spine curves and my shoulders ache. because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right. that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it. mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now. by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth. i ask for what i want. i use my time how i want. i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation. no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too. everyone i love. it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe. the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included. i never know if i’m feeling what other people do. i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me. i don’t touch it all the time. but i don’t pretend it isn’t there. it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes. it presses at my throat. it curdles in my stomach. it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate. it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile. it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors. i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir. there are a thousand ways to describe this thing. the descriptors aren’t important. what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor. this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.” this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist. it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop. it wants what it wants, it does what it does. possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me. to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses. it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it. i cannot fight with myself. i cannot beat my monster into submission. if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger. it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it. can’t kill it. can’t muzzle it. can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.

alright.

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me. can’t fix it. will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric. hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.

so fuck that, i say.

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.”

losing battle. lost war.

it’s not the monster’s fault. the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears. it exists to protect me through scorched earth. a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury. it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing. my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect. my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me. but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes. what it touches. what it destroys. what it burns. where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person. i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes. i want to make the world better for kids like me. i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born. i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative. i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles. my cognizance slips. i forget why i care. i forget what i want. i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now. but it still happens. it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead. it’s been fighting them forever. die like they want? my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah. our work isn’t done. and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post. i don’t know if anyone will read it all. i don’t know if it’ll mean anything. i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive. and when i don’t, i love being a monster. it’s good. all of it is good. i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces. it’s not one or the other, love or spite. it’s symbiosis. i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots. i can’t give them to you.

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world.

i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system. adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

#i have several other questions to answer in my inbox if you've asked me st over the past few weeks #im not ignoring it im figuring out how to phrase my reply #replies #bipolar blogging #actuallybipolar #my writing #life advice #long post #REALLY long post #it's under a read more but if mobile deletes it i apologize #c ptsd tag #suicide m #ok to reblog #Anonymous

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thecandywrites · 4 years ago

Text

Of Heaven and Fire Part 12

Woo, sorry, midterm exams were brutal, because online schooling is harder for my adhd, hyper distractable brain. But they are over (By the grace of ALMIGHTY GOD I passed so I’m not a failure for .2 seconds) now I can rest and recover and WRITE...for a couple days at least because is there homework I SHOULD be doing? Yes. Is this my escape? HELL YES.

@imherefortheforthefanart @funmadnessandbadassvikings and @probablyclever enjoy.

Of Heaven and Fire

Part 12

You ascended the mountain road from the port city of Steepguarde at the bottom of the mountain who collectively had uncharacteristically been more than welcoming to all the orcs, not just Stormbreaker and Hurricane Breaker but the more local clans who had come to see what was happening that so many people would be gathered together and the citizens of Steepguarde were keen to do all that they could to help and even sold their own wares at such a fantastic discount that even the poorest orcs could afford whatever they wanted and when the other food vendors realized what the orcs were bringing to Suchi and the plan of cooking the fish right there in the colony, many of the spice vendors gave as much of their spices to them as the orcs would take so that they could cook with their spices in exchange that the orcs would tell whoever bought the cooked fish where and from whom they had gotten their spice blends as you went ahead and opened one of the blocks of seafood so the orcs could quickly practice cooking with the ingredients they were most comfortable with- with spices they had only dreamed of with surprisingly fantastic and addictively delicious results as trade was set up for future deliveries of freshly frozen seafood.

Within the month since you were gone the port itself seemed to double in size countless workers and were already hard at work expanding it even more and now there were cranes on every dock to help unload the goods from the ships and there were dozens, if not hundreds of carts for rent which you rented out and loaded with the massive bricks of frozen seafood and then covered in tarps to protect the cargo and even now as you were most of the way up the mountain trail, you looked over your shoulder to see a steady stream of melting ice and water drip from the carts and wagons as you prayed it would sitll hold until you got inside the city gates and the closer you got, the faster it seemed to melt so that the seafood inside wasn’t frozen solid to the rest of fish around it but rather the seafood thawed just enough to be safely cold and chilled but workable while the ice between the fish and other specimans of seafood seemed to crack and crumble into individual ice cubes and just the faintest scent of seafood was on the breeze.

Most of the women and children were actually traveling in the comfort of the homes they claimed in the cloud cities which they had affectionately named Drauch and Vraum, Drauch belonging to Stormbreaker and Vraum belonging to Hurricane Breaker as Cordene and Suriel’s forces gently moved the cities towards their destination and to keep everyone together. The cities overhead offering shelter from the piercing sun.

The cities were magnificent and you had wondered at first how everyone would be weary and distrustful of them but instead, once Brock proved that you could walk onto them and they were safe, they were quickly “conquered”. And had modern conveniences that even Suchi couldn’t boast of. Like hot and cold running water and indoor plumbing and laundry facilities in every home. They even had magnificent and abundant food gardens and pasturage and even playgrounds for the little ones and training grounds and arenas Cordene and Suriel and their forces had thought of just about everything when they built them out of the clouds and you coudn’t be more grateful. They were paradise on clouds with their own restaurant facilities which were also quickly claimed and prepared to host the colony, many of the mothers already in kitchens cooking up feasts out of all the other foods stuffs available as beer was already brewing so that Suchiens could buy the fish in the colony then quickly travel to either Drauch or Vram to have it cooked and dine there which you knew Suchiens would readily and eagerly accept.

But still, you began to worry that if you dismissed Cordene or even Suriel too quickly, how quickly all of it could vanish in a heartbeat as you wondered how long you would have to keep stringing them along for.

Riding up the mountain road, Brock was on one side of you and your brother Kaive on the other side with Cugas on the other side of him as the two were teasing and carrying on with each other like salacious lovers but between your brother, Cordene, Suriel and Oriles, you were never, ever alone. Not anymore anyway and the moments between just yourself and Brock got fewer and fewer as the clan’s business took him away from your side more and more and your unease you felt until he would reappear by your side for dinner time as Brock’s family seemed to be very gracious with their new “guests” who only really ever left you at night where they would retreat to their own realms to sleep. And even then, by then, you were exhausted and collapsed into bed and Kaive made sure you were safe and sound in the bedroom with all the girls before he would leave to be with Cugas for the night. You knew Kaive would be a cock block. and you knew the other suitors would also cock block each other and it was already exhausting just after a week and a half of this trying to juggle all of them.

But the closer you got to the colony, the more anxious you felt, as your eyes were constantly searching for spies hidden among the forests and you wouldn’t let Brock and his family out of your sight.

This journey had taken longer than you wanted but you had done it, a great feat if there ever was one. Now you were mere moments away from home. You were especially nervous and anxious now that you could see the gates.

Cordene had urged you to just fly home once everyone reached the base of the mountain but you refused. You needed to travel the way everyone else was traveling which Brock and his father and the others were on horseback so that’s the method you chose so all of you could stay together as a group and no one would be left out. Because if your hosts could not fly, you would not fly. You weren’t going to take the easy way out of this. Besides, who knows what could have happened if you left them. You felt increasingly uneasy and paranoid that some great harm could befall them all if you turned your back on them even for a moment. If the elder council could have your brother come to take a cloak mere moments after it detached, who knew what else they had planned and in the works, just waiting for the opportune time. And you didn’t want to give them any chance to do any more harm than they had already done.

When you crested the hill, you saw the gates were wide open and it was as if everyone in Suchi was waiting on you by the looks of everyone gathered around the gates, even outside of it. The vendors that had been setting up shop inside the gates were now pushed out of them and on the sides of the massive entry, leaving the actual city square inside the gate clear but still full of people.

The council of course approached first. Veros taking the lead as Vedross and TriKeng were framing and flanking the rest of the council members.

“You’ve come back home child!” Veros greeted you warming as she hugged you and kissed your cheeks as you returned her greeting.

“I see you’ve made many friends, show me what you’ve brought home with you!” She invited cheerfully as she took your hand as you led her to the first cart that showed the ice just now thin enough on the top that you could break the ice with your fingertips and grab some fish as you showed it to her as she and the other councillors gasped in excitement.

“Well we would be so happy to have you sell these wonderful treasures from the sea at our colony. But first in order to appease the gods, come and bring 5 fish as a sacrifice. And if the gods bless your offering, we will be allies from this day on.” She invited before you took five fish and brought them in a basket and led the way to the temple complex where many temples, alters and shrines were built to the many gods worshiped in the colonies.

There you were shocked to see a new temple, but someone had aged it to make it look old. Because three weeks ago nothing was here. Now there was, and it looked like it had been here for at least a century or two as you and Kaive both looked at it and each other wearily.

You first offered three fish to the mother and father gods and then a fourth to Xhadonna- the caretaker of the ancient starblossom tree which was this colony’s patron tree and was supposed to be linked to all the world’s trees and symbolized it.

“This is the last god, Zirvush, a trickster god, we must pay homage to him or else he might play tricks on us or even you.” Veros explained as she and the other councillors avoided your suspicious gaze.

“You worship Zirvush too?!” Onvam beamed proudly.

“You know of Zirvush?” Veros asked innocently as you just folded your arms under your chest and cut your eyes at her and huffed out of your nose as she and the other elders and councillors guiltily avoided your gaze.

“Yes we have a tradition surrounding him, he comes and takes the feather blankets off of our babes after they come off.” He answered and you just wanted to face palm yourself.

“Oh, what a devious trickster he is! Well we must offer the last sacrifice to him then so he won’t do that anymore, those feather blankets are very precious and valuable!” Veros insisted as Onvam and his family were excited to learn that before she took the fish and put it into the fire at the alter at the base of the tree and chanted what was to your ears- pure gibberish, this tree was obviously transplanted and had a spell cast onto it to make it look like it had been here for centuries and once everyone knelt on the roots that grew out from the base, suddenly the tree roots sprouted saplings which offered enticing looking berries which you picked up and scruitinized and sniffed as did Kaive as you turned to see the orcs readily eat them before they all seemed to come under a trance and have a revelation come to them as their gold moura collars came up from the root system, delivering to each orc- their collars back as the orcs came out from their trances which only lasted a matter of seconds, about two full breaths.

“What are these?” Onvam asked as he picked them up and looked at them curiously, noticing the center seal matched his child’s mark who was at his feet.

“The feather blankets as you call them, they’re actually cloaks! You see this mark on your neck is actually the gold moura mark. That’s where this- the moura collar grows from and the cloak from this. At birth we make a sacrifice to Zirvush so that he won’t take our babies’ cloaks. Because this cloak is what makes a moura a moura, it’s what gives moura our powers, like how we can change from one form to the other, like this.” She said as she transformed into a graceful owl then back to herself.

“Zirvush must have hidden these in his ancient tree, oh how long he must have been trying to get you to come and find us to get them back! I had no idea that he would have hid them here! If you are moura, you are our brethren! You are welcome in every moura colony because you are moura, here, let me help you put it on.” She explained as she flew up and put his own collar around his neck and instantly the collar grew the cloak before other mouras, namely the council’s helpers- seemed to come and try to help the orcs understand the nature of the cloak and began educating them on their moura heritage and gifts and powers and all you could do was just kneel there and shake your head as you took the berry and simply put it into your purse, wrapping it inside a handkerchief.

Now you knew that the whole council at least was in on it while the others from the colony simply stood back and watched on curiously.

You then noticed how even more collars came out as the elders explained that these collars obviously belonged to the orcs parents and grandparents and so on that had passed on because the collars weren’t gold, instead they were...bronzed, which was weird. And through no means but what you suspected was pure magic each family seemed to collect the ones that belonged to their ancestors before they were quickly distributed to their children and friends who didn’t have the cloak.

Even Drad was given a collar that had belonged to Rhos’ mother while Rhos’ sister’s husband got given another by Onvam himself. Everyone got their cloaks back except for Brock. That felt like a very personal slight. Like the elders were purposefully rubbing salt into your wound.

But before you could even pull anyone aside and get answers, everyone quickly left the temple and went back to the square to do business as the paths to Drauch and Vraum were placed inside the city square and you couldn’t help but feel all but forgotten as you just stared hatefully at the tree, your eyes rimmed with tears that you were refusing to let fall.

This felt like a betrayal. Never in your life had you felt more shame for being a Suchien, much less a moura. Those evil fucking cowardice bastards.

“In terms of a cover up, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one this extravagant.” Brock murmured quietly as he came over and sat next to you which made you huff a laugh through your nose as you stopped kneeling and sat down comfortably next to him.

“No. I haven’t either.” You returned in a soft murmur, barely louder than a whisper.

“So how long has this temple been here?” Brock asked as he eyed it around him.

“Probably not even a week. None of this was here three weeks ago, and I have never seen this tree before in my life. Zirvush? There’s no such god in our worship in the colonies. They replaced Chenena, who is the protector of children and especially infants and Chenena would kick Zirvush’s ass in the panthion, they weren’t even subtle about it. I don’t even know what kind of tree this even is. It’s foreign to me and if I had to guess, I would say it’s either an elven tree or most likely a fae tree and I’ve never seen fruit like this either. Like it doesn’t even belong in this realm and the fact that you and only you didn’t get your cloak back when even the dead got theirs returned to their rightful families is highly suspect. Now I’m just waiting for someone to come forward or for a message to be delivered to me stating the terms for its release. Like it’s a hostage.” You breathed out as you picked another little fruit off the sapling and flung it at the trunk and smirked when it exploded upon impact before you reached out and defiantly held his hand, because otherwise you were liable to make an ax out of one of your feathers to chop down this tree right here right now and find his cloak by tearing this tree apart piece by piece or maybe just set it on fire and see what happened as all the saplings then receeded into the root system. You didn’t know what kind of magic was operating on this tree but you didn’t like it.

“I don’t need it.” Brock suddenly professed before you turned to look at him incredulously.

“I’ve lived almost my whole life without it. As long as you have yours, that’s all that counts or matters to me. They can keep it for all I care, or hell, give it to a little moura baby who needs it.” He shrugged off.

“You’re far too kind and lenient.” You returned. “Did you eat the fruit?” You asked.

“No, if you didn’t eat it, I wasn’t going to eat it either.” He answered as you nodded in agreement. Who knew what was in it.

“Besides..” he continued. “In the grand scheme of things, it’s just one cloak. Everyone else got theirs, now there’s peace and my people are being welcomed and embraced instead of ignored or rebuked and there’s profitable business and alliance and security with our former enemies. That’s all I wanted for the clan anyway. Consider this debt paid Yana. It’s not worth any more trouble.” Brock concluded.

“But until you get your cloak back I will not consider this as a debt paid in full. So far, it’s paid in half. Only when you get your cloak back and Stormbreaker can come back as often as they wish and keep selling fish and keep in peace and alliance, and no harm ever befalls either you or your family or clan, then I’ll consider it fully paid.” You insisted before he pulled your hand up to his mouth to kiss the back of your hand sweetly.

“Yana, let it go. I can already tell that whoever is holding my cloak as a hostage is going to ask you to pay a price that you shouldn’t have to pay. You’re done paying for other people’s mistakes, especially mine or the council of elders or anyone else. Let the guilty parties make up for their mistakes. Not you, wash your hands of this and be done and just enjoy being back, I can’t imagine how much you’ve missed the rest of this place and especially everyone else in it. Don’t make the whole colony pay for the sins of few, even as revered and powerful they may seem right now. It’s not worth it.” He urged you with a soft sincerity coupled with a firmness that would rival marble as he reached out and softly rubbed your back to soothe your anger and rage which worked because you started to melt a little as you realized how much your soul had sorely missed and ached for this as you stole into his side, taking a deep breath of his scent into your lungs, not knowing when you’d get to enjoy it again as you relished in having this moment between yourself and him.

“Yana, remember your words to Garis when you caught him? How you told him that if the council could come up with a plan to fix this and make this right that didn’t involve fighting or another war or any more blood to be spilled that you would be all for it?” He recalled as you opened your eyes before you narrowed them. Damn it.

“This...this is just a deflection. If we stop now, the true guilty and malicious parties will not learn anything and who’s to stop them from repeating this to others? Gnolls or goblins or- or I don’t know, some other people who everyone looks down on who will be the next victims and this vicious cycle will repeat all over again?” You worried.

“But it is not your job to police them and you shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life just waiting for them to slip up again. Don’t look at this like a defeat, look at it as the win it is. You’re a victor and conqueror and already a legend in the making, have you heard how the clan’s musicians are already coming up with songs about the ‘angel of heaven and fire’ who has tamed the mighty sea dragons and charmed the angels and mouras out of their legions and made paradise out of the clouds’? I mean the songs themselves are pretty catchy.” He started to hum the latest melody he had heard from the campfire from last night as you snorted because even though he was moura himself, he couldn’t carry a tune in a barrel and was horrendously offkey but he may have been doing that on purprose to make you smile because no matter how furious you were right now, the sound of his offkey humming was making you snort and snicker a laugh.

“How drunk were you when you heard that song?” You teased which got him to laugh even though you had yet witness him ever getting drunk since he liked to be in control of himself at all times.

“Not nearly enough.” He smiled victoriously to see you smile before he leaned down and kissed the top of your head as he squeezed you to his side, having missed you himself. Ever since your “suitors” showed up, he had to make himself busy with clan stuff to keep himself from going insane with all the bullshit Cordene liked to throw at everyone. Suriel was a decent guy and he got along with him the best. Oriles was always just literally and metaphorically ‘a fish out of water’. But Brock could tell he was smart in that he purposefully acted just a touch dumb so that the others would purposefully underestemate him. But as much as he liked Suriel, he recognized protectiveness and Suriel was more protective of you than all of them were. He did everything in his power to keep you from shifting after the incident with your brother and he seemed to not want to let you do anything strenuous and constantly making you food and especially drinks, particularly tea and encouraged you to eat very, very healthy foods all while trying not to be smothering as he seemed to walk that line better than anyone ever could.

“You currently have armies without number- more or less- at your disposal, you made the most fierce, battle hungry clan embrace peace not just with us but with your colony and now everyone is not only in alliance but business too. You single handedly did more for my clan in the span of a month than I ever could in my lifetime.” He explained. “Thank you. I know it wasn’t easy and I know I had no right to pull you away from home and put so much on you and any lesser person would have cracked and crumbled and withdrawn from the pressure and instead you’ve soared above all of it like the eagle you are.” He praised and you were damn near crying as you leaned into his side so he could wrap an arm around you as you mirrored him as you let your head rest on his chest.

“Take a rest Love, you’ve more than earned it.” He cooed as he grinned when you scrunched up your face because you didn’t want to.

“At least, for today, might I make an argument for tomorrow as well perhaps?” He suggested with just a twinge of a teasing tone which got your face to melt into a smile.

“Fine. But tomorrow, I’ll see what hell I can raise.” You conceded as you sighed heavily and just relished having him so close.

“Oh I know, the devils themselves jump up in alarm every time you step foot on the ground going ‘shit, she’s up;.” He teased which got you to laugh.

“Oh alright. Fine, I give, at least let me show you around then…” You insisted as you both found your feet and dusted yourself off just in time to have your family descend upon you like a swarm of bees, all of them eager to have you back amongst them again as Brock just stood back and smiled, noting how similar you looked to the rest of your family as Cugas and Kaive were already among them as the rest of Brock’s family came closer too.

“Guys, there’s someone I want you to meet, this is Brock…” you introduced as they all had a myriad of emotions on their faces from weariness to distrust to curiosity. Oh boy. One mountain down, another to go.

#Of Heaven and Fire #Of Heaven and Fire Part 12 #orc #moura #siren #merman #mermay #merfolk #orc love story #orc fantasy love story.#Orc boyfriend #exophilia #sexy orc #where would I be without fantasy name generator?#lost probably #monster love #monster romance #orc romance #monster boyfriend

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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For the fic ask meme, 4, 16, 24, or 28

I will answer 16 now, because No Reason, Just Whimsy, but stay tuned as I’ll probably end up answering 4, 24 and 28 at some point anyway, because like. No Reason, Just Whimsy. *Shrugs*

16. If you only could write one pairing for the rest of your life, which pairing would it be?

I can’t tell you, see, because I would simply make that one pairing endgame and everything else leading up to it like, contain all the other ships I could not bear to be without. (Hahahaha this is why I could never be a romance author, I can not abide by the rules of HEA or HFN in relationship stories to save my LIFE). So, y’know, SPOILERS.

No but also I’m completely aware that this is cheating and not the point of the question. But I can not choose though, that is the point, like, have you met me? I am the original poster child for ADHD. I’m THAT old.

So instead I will simply say that in the realm of Teen Wolf, Scanny is very very very important to me, which like, surprises no one. But also I would still fight someone who tried to take either Scira or Scallison from me, I remain obnoxiously fond of Scackson’s potential, and I’m still out here being like, the sole Scosh (Scott/Josh Diaz) shipper in all the land, I’m pretty sure, lmfao.

And I mean, also there’s Scyle, of course. I could never give up the Scyle.

As far as Marvel goes, like, I am going to be riding the high of Bobby/Christian being canon for quite some time, as anyone who has known me long knows that I have been shipping this ship since Christian was first introduced and then written offstage like two issues later….seventeen years ago.

(I have a lot of issues with straight writers making gay characters’ gay-specific tragedies and traumas like….someone ELSE’S angsty back story, while they themselves are just shuffled off the page and considered irrelevant. For those who don’t know, Christian is Emma Frost’s gay older brother who she adored and when their father had Christian institutionalized against his will because he was gay, this was what made Emma break away from the rest of her family for good and set her on the road to becoming the White Queen of the Hellfire Club.

And then, despite like, this being life-defining for her, not a single writer in the next fifteen damn years ever thought to ask themselves…..hmmm, why would Emma Frost, one of the most powerful telepaths in the world and someone whose personal morality in no way makes her above using those powers, her wealth or Hellfire resources however she damn well pleases in the name of protecting herself, those she cares about, and advancing her agendas…..why would this woman who has never let anything stand in the way of what she cares about before like….simply just…never once in all the years since she was a teenager think to herself….hmm, what if I simply go to the institution where my beloved brother is kept against his will, and just…..made them release him?)

So, aside from always thinking Bobby/Christian would be a great ship with amazing potential given Bobby’s unique history and dynamic with Christian’s sister and the fact that Christian shares a lot of the same traits, backstory and other elements that make Emma an amazing and multi-faceted character and he’s just been sitting there in Limbo for fifteen years with all this untapped potential just waiting to be mined….

I’m always going to be gleeful about this ship and with a special fondness for Sina Grace for bringing Christian back from comic book Limbo and laying the foundation for this ship, like, just because like……I feel its long overdue and the only way to ACTUALLY make anything decent out of the bullshit that was mining his oppression for the sake of another character’s angst: by finally giving HIM the chance to be a character who is affected by all that, developed and moved forward from all of that, is the FOCUS of all that…..and even more importantly, now after being left offscreen for fifteen years by writers who considered his narrative nothing more than tragic filler….he finally has a chance to be an example of a gay character who gets to come BACK from all of that and move FORWARD from it, and like…find healing and happiness with another character, like Bobby.

So Bobby/Christian is actually hugely important to me for a variety of reasons, especially right now since this is all just happening recently, and I will love them forever and in defiance of the inevitable bullshit some future writer pulls that will piss me the hell off. Y’know, just going off of Vegas odds or whatever.

Aside from Bobby/Christian I’ve also always had a weakness for Bobby/Johnny Storm because they are the most iconic ice and fire characters out there and I am basically twelve. I also have blogged at length in the past about all the reasons I’m a huge fan of Bobby/Bishop and not just because their ship name would make them a literal bop. Again, I refer you to the thing where I’m basically twelve. But yeah, there’s a whole history there where when Bishop first came back into the past and met the X-Men who’d all been legends in his time, he kinda fanboyed a little over Bobby because of Bobby’s future legend, and then was kinda like….oh, that’s it? about him once he got to know Bobby and Bishop became like, the physical embodiment of underwhelmed.

And ever since then Bobby’s always low key been like, a hyper-active puppy around Bishop, like, trying not to SEEM like he cares an awful lot about whether or not he’s managed to impress Bishop but because he can’t be subtle to save his life, mostly just coming across as “am I living up to the hype now? how about now? am I legendary NOW? What about now?” and I dunno. Its just kinda cute and a fairly unique dynamic, and Bishop has this deliberately bland, blink and you miss it sense of humor with the right writers and that I’ve always thought has a ton of potential for him to be privately amused by this tendency of Bobby’s, enough that he’s unwilling to confess to him that Bobby actually earned his respect years ago by this point, and he just doesn’t want to let Bobby know because then he’d stop.

And then in terms of DC, I’ve posted a lot a lot a loooooooooot about my love for Dick/Kory in canon, and how they - and by extension we - were robbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbed, and if DC doesn’t give me my canon Mar’i and Jake Grayson one of these days, I don’t care if they have to import them from another universe and then have this universe’s Dick and Kory awkwardly try to co-parent them while living their own lives separately before finally coming back together and falling in love all over again and then becoming a single united family unit forever and ever in the most ridiculously complicated comic book version of the Parent Trap ever, like…..

I can’t even think of an over-exaggerated threat creative enough to convey just how badly I want and need this, DC, give it to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And then also, I’ve actually posted a lot a lot a loooooooooooot (though not in a few years, probably, so those posts are all super old, lol) about how I think Kyle and Donna are a criminally under-rated canon couple and were actually really really good together because they went through so much together and Kyle literally grew so much as a character specifically on the things Donna called him out for the first time they dated, like, literally so he could be BETTER, and then with how anticlimactically they ended...because the thing is, they never actually even broke up! It was this thing where like, when Donna went to LA with Kyle for his high school reunion and to literally MEET HIS MOM, like HELLO, that is not a basic relationship step, that is Advanced Dating, like…..that is where they were at in their relationship when Donna literally got the call then and there that her ex-husband and her son had just died in a car accident.

And Donna was devastated of course, and Kyle was devastated too - for her, and also in his own way, because he’d adored Robert and like, there were these issues where they were super cute and took him to the zoo together and Kyle was bonding with him and just like, melting over this kid, and Robert and Terry were killed by a drunk driver, and like, there was a later story where Kyle just went apeshit on this drunk driver he encountered because he had all these repressed feelings about Robert’s death and how it had hurt Donna and he’d made sure not to show any of that to her or even let on that he hurt for Robert’s loss in his own way, because he didn’t want to make it about him, he KNEW better…

And anyway, the point is…they never actually broke up in the sense of either of them at any point being all, oh we no longer love each other or think this can work, we need to end it. Instead, Donna said that she needed to take some time away from Kyle and everyone else and just…come to terms with what she’d lost and figure out who she even was now in the wake of that….and Kyle totally understood, didn’t argue or try and change her mind, he just said take as much time as you need, I’ll be here when you’re ready, and oh btw, here’s this lantern construct of a locket that I want you to keep because as long as it exists you’ll know that a part of me is still thinking about you and wanting you to be happy, wherever that is.

And then like…..less than a year later, DC did their super weird Dark Angel story where Donna was erased from reality and then had to be ‘recreated’ from Wally’s memories, and for awhile just existed in the form and identity she’d been recreated from, which was based entirely on what Wally knew of her and thought and felt about her, and so there were huge gaps in her identity where she was missing stuff she should have known but didn’t now because WALLY didn’t know about it.

Such as how when Donna met Kyle’s subsequent sorta-girlfriend Jade some time later - I say sorta because she and Kyle were still figuring things out at that stage, and Jenny-Lynn in part didn’t know if she wanted to actually get into a relationship with him because she thought he was still in love with Donna - well anyway, when Donna and Jenny-Lynn met in a later issue and she said all this to Donna, Donna reassured her not to worry about it, she was reading more into it than actually existed because she and Kyle had never been that serious anyway.

Which. SCREECH! Brakes please. HOLD UP.

Like, I’m sorry JAY FAERBER YES I REMEMBER IT WAS YOU WHO WROTE THAT ISSUE UGGGGGH, but like, in what UNIVERSE is “dated, broke up, then got back together later because she thought Kyle had matured a ton since they first tried dating and now they were so much stronger as a couple that she oh I dunno, introduced him to her son and they went on playdates together, went with him to meet his mom, had a never-vanishing lantern locket construct that signified just how much he would always love her” uh…..’never been that serious anyway’? I’m. What? Does not compute.

BUT WHATEVER.

LOL. Anyway, point is, so things like that actually make sense when you factor in the role Wally’s memories and perspective played in who Donna literally WAS for awhile (and the understandable existential crises she went through as a result). But like, at the point in time when Kyle and Donna were most serious, Kyle was still fairly removed from a lot of the rest of the DC universe, he wasn’t a core member of the JLA yet and usually operated independently, and he and Wally were NOT close at all yet, let alone friends….in fact, for as long as Donna and Kyle dated, Wally pretty much still actively hated and resented Kyle for just existing, since he’d always been close with Hal since he was a kid and Hal was his Uncle Barry’s BFF-and-homosexual-life-partner-in-all-but-name.

Like, it was only after Kyle became one of the core JLA alongside Wally that the two of them finally worked out their mutual antagonism and became friends, but before that, Wally was NOT shy about expressing he hated this new GL guy and wanted nothing to do with him, even though it was for unfair reasons, sooooo……like, its not really that shocking that even though Wally and Donna are two of each other’s oldest friends and super tight, like, he was never going to be the friend she called up to let him know how great things were going with her and Kyle these days, lol, y’know?

So it makes sense that when Donna was first magically reconstituted thanks to Wally’s memories/view of her (btw, this was because Wally was out of phase with reality and was in the Speed Force at the precise moment that Donna was erased from reality by the Dark Angel’s magic, and that’s why he alone remembered her and was the template for undoing what the Dark Angel had done). But anyway, it makes sense that she would for a time have had very little memory or even knowledge of her and Kyle’s prior relationship, and basically just know/remember what little Wally actually knew of it. So from her perspective then, it could very well have seemed that they were never that serious, and everyone but Kyle like….kinda just nodded and figured okay, you would know after all, and just…..everyone ended up walking away with the idea that they were just this brief fling and neither had ever had strong feelings for each other, let alone love.

The problem I’ve always had is that eventually Donna DID regain her full memories and her own sense of self, and like….she was Donna again, through and through, existing as she always had without being limited to just Wally’s view or memory of her.

Soooo, at THAT point, she should have been perfectly aware of what her and Kyle’s relationship had ACTUALLY looked like, in its entirety, and I mean, I can understand them not getting back together at that point. It’d been years, they both were in very different places, Kyle had eventually gotten together with Jade after it was expressed by Donna herself that there was no reason not to, given that its not like they were ever that serious….so by the time Donna herself would have realized otherwise, I can totally understand her feeling that the moment had passed for them, that Kyle had moved on (just as Kyle had only ‘moved on’ once he felt there was no longer a chance of them returning to what they were). Like, all of that is super weird and complicated even by ridiculous comic book soap opera standards, so I mean….lol, how do you even BEGIN that conversation, y’know?

Buuuuuut, it just kinda sucks that at no point after that Faerber issue has any later writer ever had either Donna or Kyle discuss their previous relationship(s) in terms of what it ACTUALLY was, for BOTH of them, rather than just this trivial, ancient history fling that neither had ever been super invested in….even though for several years in the nineties they were one of THE major hero couples in comic books.

So. Yeah. As evidenced, I have a lot of unresolved Donna and Kyle feelings lol.

And then of course, there are and always will be my epic “OMG DICK AND KYLE COULD BE THE GREATEST SHIP AND END ALL THE SHIPS LIKE COULD YOU EVEN IMAGINE” feelings, but like. That’s a thirty pound tome in and of itself, so. Like. Just picture the two of them standing staring soulfully into each other’s eyes and then me, creepily fixated on them twenty feet away, chin propped up on my hands and going awwwwwwww while my own eyes like, sparkle anime style but also are the heart-eyes motherfucker meme at the same time.

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