#(however by the time tim was 13 he was either very good at sneaking away OR they started letting him have more leeway recently)

[heroesriseandfall]

Obviously the whole ‘little Tim Drake is left all alone with only a housekeeper Mrs Mac who just comes briefly a few days a week” thing is often just for people who want that specific angst, not canon accuracy…

But I feel like a lot of people simply do not know that not only did Mrs Mac not work for the Drakes until Tim was already a 14 year old Robin, but she was a live-in maid. She lived at Drake Manor. Far from only popping in every few days, she was at Drake Manor almost 24/7 and Tim had to sneak past her to go on patrol sometimes.

Mrs Mac literally does not seem to have a place to live in the US other than where she is meant to stay in Drake Manor, because her husband lives in Kilkenny, Ireland and that’s where she goes back to when they had to fire her.

When Tim’s dad is gone she’s home with Tim making him meals and cleaning. When the Drakes briefly move across the country she moves with them because she lives with them. From what we see in comics Tim is rarely intentionally left home alone and when he is, not only is he already a teenager but also his dad is very conscientious of Tim being home alone.

(This does not, however, mean that Tim does not sneak away from supervision. He does that constantly. Case in point: when Bruce was looking for a kidnapped Jack Drake and Tim got away from Mrs Mac by claiming he was going on vacation with Ives when he was actually sleeping in his dad’s penthouse to do Robin stuff in the city.)

[dairy-farmer]

I'm not sure if you check the comments on your AO3 stories or not anymore, but I wanted to share the content I left (both because I want to make sure you see it and know how much I like your writing, and also because I crave validation as well ❤️) so I'm basically just copy/pasting the comment here (with some added spelling corrections):

[Comment I left on 'i drink the honey (inside your hive)']

This is probably my 20th time reading this because it is so so good: not only is somnophilia my jam, I love how Dick keeps telling himself 'this is all I'm doing, no more!' and then keeps going anyway. Also, your dirty talk (in all your fics, not just this one) is always so hot - I find a lot of people have trouble managing to be explicit and sexy without ending up in 'this is so cringe it's ruining the mood' territory. Seriously, my favorite part is Dick moaning and telling Tim he has no other place to cum, and how he'll make it up to him and how good Timmy is being for him🤤... Yeah❤️❤️❤️.

Moving on: I see some comments trying to work Jason into this hot mess, but I'm more interested in Damian at the moment: you've already shown in Carnation Instant Bitch that he's totally the type of character who could get off (at least for a bit until he got lonely) on some good old fashioned somnophilia. So this is what I'm picturing:

Bruce and Dick are needed for League and Titan stuff, Jason is off with the Outlaws, and Alfred is out of the country visiting his daughter. And even though Damian is a mature, self-sufficient (former) assassin child, he's also only 13 and they cannot in good conscience leave him by himself for however long this mission takes. So Tim gets roped into batsitting duty (let's also say that they decide not to patrol until someone gets back, because they want to make sure there's backup if something goes wrong). Damian doesn't want to kill Tim Drake any more (at least no more than most siblings want to kill each other) but he's still a little shit sometimes. And he really wants to search Tim's room for ammunition to use against him, but when Tim is away he always secures his room at the manor so tightly even Bruce (or Selina) would have trouble getting in. But! He doesn't do that when he's actually sleeping in his own bed, because he trusts his vigilante instincts to protect him and/or wake him if someone comes in.

Luckily, Damian is aware of some sleeping medication Bruce has cooked up and keeps on hand: it's very useful for getting stubborn vigilantes to actually stay put and rest when they're injured (and he has seen Alfred use it against Bruce as well). So, some of that careful crushed up and hidden inside a teacup when Damian brings out some tea for them to share. Drake is far too smart to accept a drink from Damian he hasn't seen either prepaired in front of him or served from the same container - but of course he wouldn't think to check the cups before Damian serves them both.

Damian worries for a moment, when the drugs should start to kick in, that Drake is on to him: his eyebrows furrow for a moment and he looks over the top of his teacup to study Damian oddly. But then he just gives Damian a small smile, finishes his tea, thanks Damian again, and says he's heading off to bed because he's getting tired.

Damian waits about an hour before sneaking into Drake's room, double checking that all the traps on the door and entrance to the room are disabled. He's excited to finally have a chance to find something embarrassing or incriminating that he'll be able to use against Drake in the future. After searching the desk in the room (only unused stationary, no notes or anything that might be useful), Damian heads towards the closet, glancing at Drake to make sure he still asleep: yup, still asleep on his back, blankets tangled around one leg and sleep shirt bunched up around his waist, showing on his bare pussy. Damian freezes and does a double-take because What. Drake has a- a pussy?!?

(I like to think -because it's fucking hilarious- that no one bothered to mention that Tim is trans to Damian when he joined the family, and Damian spent most of the first year or so completely ignoring Tim when he wasn't trying to kill him and by the time Tim may have felt comfortable sharing this fact, or even just sharing the communal showers with Damian, Tim had already moved into his own Nest. So because of random happenstance, Damian just never realized that Tim was not a cisgendered guy.)

(It's after midnight now and I'm running out of steam, but I think the next bit is something something, Damian is too young/ his peers find him abrasive and off putting and so he's never real... Seen a pussy up close. And well, Drake is asleep and unlikely to wake up for the next 7 hours at least... So Damian start off just... Satiating his curiosity. Just looking, analyzing the structures and shape, which seems so different in person as opposed to an anatomical drawing in health class. Maybe he carefully moves the blanket and positions Tim's legs so he can have an unobstructed view. Maybe looking turns into some light touching - it's just simple scientific curiosity! It's not like he ever thought that Drake was pretty or paid much attention to when Grandfather would get that far away look on his eyes when talking about Drake and devolve into muttering about pretty, brilliant heirs (which actually made a lot more sense now that he knew what equipment Drake was packing)...

Damian probably doesn't get around to fucking Tim for another night or two, but it's fine because Drake is being strangely... Sweet and trusting, sharing tea with Damian every night and never seeming the question how he got sleepy immediately after.

OR Something like that😅😅😅. Just an idea that popped into my head!

answered out of order:

🥺🥺🥺🥺this is so sweet!!! i try to check my ao3 inbox but sometimes i get sidetracked and forget- i'm so happy you like my fics!!!!! especially the somnophilia ones, since it's one of my top favorite tropes that i love to write about<3333

and for 'drink the honey' i can absolutely see everyone in the family growing to 'take advantage' of tim, all of them thinking they're the first and only people to fuck tim meanwhile tim has known the entire time and revels in how all his brothers and dad all end up doing the same thing of drugging and fucking him <3, he really is so loved <3333

[considermewhelmed]

There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought Of It Yet by Panic! at the Disco- Jason Todd

a/n: Every fic I’ve written so far either involves Tim or is about Jason’s death and idk what that says about me but it’s nothing good. 

taglist: @river9noble

Master

-

“Please, leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman/From that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed/I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it/Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and…”

“Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?/Never looked better, and you can't stand it.”

“And I know/And I know/It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up/I've never been so surreptitious/So of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch.”

-

Tim pulled at the tie that seemed to tighten like a noose around his neck irritably, looking around at all the guests chattering and laughing and drinking all of the expensive champagne. “Why do I need to be here?” 

“You’re the CEO.” Dick shot him a confused look. “You’re probably the only one contractually obligated to be here.” 

“Bruce threw the banquet,” Tim sat up in his seat a bit, glancing around as if the lack of attention proved his point. “None of them want to talk to me anyways. They all want to talk to Bruce.” 

“That’s because you’re 17,” Dick pointed out, sipping his own punch and wrinkling his nose at the bitter taste. “It’s hard to take a 17 year old seriously.” 

“Well which is it?” Tim demanded. “Am I the CEO contractually obligated to be here for the company, or the 17 year old son of Bruce Wayne forced to be here by his dad?” 

“Both.” Dick shrugged. 

Tim glared at his freshly shined shoes. “Why doesn’t Damian have to be here then?” 

“Because he’s 13.” Dick sighed irritably. “Would you just stop complaining? I came so you wouldn’t be alone, but I’ll happily go find someone else to talk to if you’re not even going to try and have a good time tonight.” 

Tim turned his glare to Dick who raised his hands in defence, standing up and grabbing his glass along the way. He moved over to the first group he saw, falling into easy conversation with the socialites, just like he always did. 

“That Dick Grayson sure grew up handsome,” Tim heard a woman say to his left. 

“Oh, he certainly did. He’s so good with the crowd- is he running the company now?” Another woman asked. 

“He should be. Somehow Bruce’s teenager got CEO, and poor Dick was left with nothing.” A third woman tsked. 

“Teenager?” The second asked, surprised. 

“I heard he’s only 15, I mean, what was Bruce thinking?” The first scoffed. 

“I’m 17,” Tim blurted, turning to look at the women.

The women at least had the courtesy to look guilty, but he suspected it wasn’t a genuine reaction. He could see the way they looked at him. 

They mumbled some half-hearted apologies and shuffled away awkwardly, and he was once again alone. Tim groaned, crossing his arms, slumping in his seat. He knew realistically, Dick would be the most logical choice. He’s personable, outgoing, and older than Tim was. But Dick had enough on his plate, and to Tim’s knowledge, absolutely no desire to be involved in Wayne Enterprises to begin with, let alone be the CEO. 

Tim just wanted to go home. 

“Good evening pricks of Gotham!” A familiar voice called through the crowd, and Tim looked up surprised. 

There was a collection of gasps and whispers as Jason and Roy strolled through the crowd. Roy was greeting people he recognized from his days with Oliver Queen, dressed in a red silk button up tucked into his black dress pants, the black suit jacket thrown on over top, unbuttoned. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and it looked like he at least tried with his hair, having thrown it back into a neat half up, half down style. However, Tim could see the Vans from here.

Jason on the other hand, was in a black button up and black jeans, with his signature brown leather jacket over top and sunglasses on. His combat boots were untied, like he couldn’t even be bothered to do the simple task. He acknowledged no one, not even Dick or Bruce’s horrified expressions. 

“Go about your business folks,” Jason commanded, waving his hand dismissively. 

Tim didn’t need to see his eyes to know Jason had his gaze locked onto him. He sat up a little and couldn’t help the little smirk creep up onto his face. Jason and Roy certainly knew how to make an entrance. 

Jason plopped into the seat across from Tim, grinning at his brother. 

“Hey baby bird, quite the party you’ve got going on here.” 

“I’m glad you got the invite.” Tim chuckled. “It was difficult sneaking it past Bruce, Dick and Alfred.” 

“Well, you know if it was anyone else’s name at the bottom I would’ve ignored it completely,” Jason shrugged, taking his glasses off and tossing them onto the table. “How’s it going anyways?” 

Tim’s face morphed into a scowl. “I hate these things. No one wants to talk to me, and most of them either don’t believe that I’m the CEO or think it’s Dick.” 

Jason raised his eyebrow. “Tim, you are the smartest person in this room. You’ve done more for the company in your short time than Bruce did in all his years. That’s why he’s kept you on.” 

“Maybe,” Tim sighed. “No one else knows that though.” 

Jason shrugged. “They will.” He smirked. “But don’t worry baby bird, you won’t have to deal with this banquet much longer.” 

Tim eyed Jason warily. “Are you going to get us arrested?” 

“Nah, I wouldn’t tarnish your record like that,” Jason shrugged and looked up as Roy came over. “Is it done?” 

“Yeah, just say the word.” Roy grinned and plopped down beside Jason. “Hey Tim, how’s it going?” 

“What are you gonna do Roy?” Tim raised his eyebrow. 

“Nothing you can prove.” Roy winked before looking out over the crowd. 

As if on cue, the lights all shut off, nothing but the emergency lights on. The fire alarms blared, and people were tripping over themselves to get out of the building. Tim, Jason and Roy melted into the crowd, effectively exiting the building and avoiding Bruce and Dick in the process. 

Tim tried to hide his grin and look worried for show, but he suspected he wasn’t doing a very good job. 

Roy was already gone, probably to get the car, when Tim turned around to face his brother. 

“Thanks Jay,” Tim said sincerely. 

“For what?” He scoffed. “I didn’t do it for you, I just like messing with Bruce.” Jason rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. 

Tim didn’t buy it. He knew Jason better than that by now. 

“Well, thank you anyways.” Tim insisted quietly, looking around. 

“Hey, Tim,” Jason started after a moment. “If you ever want to get out of these things without the dramatics, you tell Bruce you’ve got a... “ Jason looked around, as if remembering their surroundings- he couldn’t exactly bring up Tim’s night time activities. “Previous engagement. Me and Roy are going to be doing a lot more... traveling, and I wouldn’t mind having you along.” He offered. 

Tim nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Jason nodded back, admittedly a little awkward, and looked to where Roy was waiting with the car. “That’s my ride.” A pause. “And, seriously Tim. You’re 17 and the CEO of one of the richest companies in the country. Fucking own that shit, okay? Some of these people can only dream of being as successful as you.” 

Tim processed that for a moment and nodded slowly. “I’ll keep that in mind too.” 

Jason glanced over at Roy again and back to Tim. “Catch ya later baby bird.” He said, and with that, Jason was gone. 

“I knew that ass showed up to cause trouble.” Dick’s voice came from behind Tim, who shrugged. 

“Could be worse.” He said simply and thought about it before moving past Dick, and past Bruce who was getting ready to step up and calm the crowd, and up onto the bottom step so he was raised a little over the crowd. 

“Everyone, please, remain calm,” Tim called out, raising his hands, trying to exude as much Jason confidence and Dick charisma and Bruce charm as possible, even adding an easy going Roy smile at the end. “The fire department should be on it’s way, but I’ve been informed that there was no fire, it was merely the new system adapting to the building. So please, relax, and once we are officially cleared, everyone can leave, with a bottle of the wonderful champagne you were all trying with the punch, courtesy of Wayne Enterprises for your troubles.” 

Everyone was murmuring and nodding and giving him all their attention. Tim stepped down and back into the crowd. 

“So he is the CEO,” he heard one of the women from earlier whisper as he passed.

“Wayne Enterprises is in good hands.” The second whispered back, and Tim’s posture straightened with pride. 

He should invite Jason to banquets more often. 

[peppersonironi]

How I Picture a Batfam Age Reversal

I’m going to write this as a fic (And I want to go on into a young justice world where dick forms the team and his siblings are protective) but here is the outline in bullet points in case anyone is interested. Please note this is VERY first draft.

Ages (At end) & Order:

Damian- 24

Duke- 21

Stephanie- 20

Tim- 21

Cassandra- 19

Jason- 19

Barbara- 15

Dick- 13

Damian is Ten when he is sent to live w/ his father. Bruce is 30.

They don’t really work well together at first. But Selina, Alfred, and Clark somehow get it through Bruce’s thick skull that he has to care for this child.

Damian keeps sneaking out on patrol, against B’s wishes. Eventually, he let’s Damian join and tells him to choose a name (Not what we meant, Bruce!)

Damian wants to go for something like Shadow, or Demon, but Bruce puts his foot down. He says that Damian shouldn’t try to be darkness.

Damian is pouting in the gardens when he finds a wounded robin. It’s wing is broken. He demands that the animal should be taken to a shelter, and carries it in his hand the whole way there.

The bird makes it, and Damian demands to be called Robin. He designs his suit, going slightly more colorful. “I might be called Robin, but I am NOT wearing brown, Pennyworth.”

Bruce introduces him to Superboy (Jon, note: less age dif) and the pair are close friends.

He is Robin for a little over seven years before he begins to fight with Bruce about being allowed to patrol alone, and being his own hero. (basically what happened w/ Dick).

Damian leaves Gotham, opting to claim Bludhaven. Jon joins him. He suggests they call each other Nightwing and Flamebird. Damian thinks it’s a bit childish, but he can’t say no to Jon. They’re costumes are here. (done by @hyperactive-lectiophile! Fantastic job!)

They eventually realize they’re in love w/ each other, all while trying to figure their lives  out. Damian briefly tries to join the police. He hates it. Eventually, he enrolls in BH college for a major in Art and a minor in business.

Later in Gotham, the We Are Robin/Robin War stuff happens. Long story short, Duke is adopted. 

Damian is angry to find out he has a new brother, goes to Gotham to yell at Bruce, but then meets Duke. They bond, and are close siblings. Damian makes his father promise to not adopt any more strays.

Stephanie Brown wants to stop her Father, so she sews up a costume and goes out as Batgirl. Bruce is apprehensive at first, but his family basically yells at him to train the poor girl before she gets hurt.

He does, and after Steph meets Damian, who she absolutely adores (He loves her too. The way she pisses his father off is legendary), Stephanie decides she wants to be Robin. Batgirl was good for dealing with her father, but she wants to belong to this new family, and, w/ Damian’s blessing, she makes a new costume.

Unfortunately, after a while, Stephanie is killed by Black Mask (her death is faked, like in the comics, but the Fam doesn’t know)

Enter Tim Drake. Batman has been going crazy over grief, and not even Nightwing, Catwoman (this is SOOOO batcat, btw) or The Signal can calm him down. Tim steps right up, and demands to be robin.

Damian and Bruce fight over this. Surprisingly, Damian is the one who thinks Tim should be given a chance. He sees how his father has been acting. Damian knows that Tim must be brilliant to figure out their identities, and thinks that should count for something. Duke takes his side, knowing that it takes guts to talk to batman, and be willing to join him. Bruce, meanwhile, is a constant chant of “no more dead robins”. After a while, and lots of arguing, Tim takes his place as Robin. They redesign the suit, and he takes his place as robin.

It’s little while after this that Stephanie comes back. Tim offers Robin back, but Stephanie declines. They talk and grow closer. At one point they talk about Stephanie’s new moniker. She says she doesn’t want to be Batgirl either. She wants something new. Tim suggests Spoiler (Bad pun turned brilliant idea?).

Cassandra Cain arrives on the scene next. She saves the commissioner’s life (like No Man’s Land, minus No Man’s Land), and Stephanie immediately imprints on this tiny assassin child (So do the rest of the family, but Steph claims the fourteen-year old first. She and Bruce fight over custody.). She offers Cass Batgirl. Gotham gained a new vigilante, and Bruce Wayne adopted a new child. (Faster than the comics, I KNOW. But Cass deserves happiness)

Everyone loves their new sister, and everyone spoils her. Duke is the one to take her to a ballet the first time. She immediately begs to be put into lessons.

Somewhere in here Tim’s mom dies and his dad is in a coma. Bruce takes him in.

Eventually, Bruce decides to offer Tim Red Robin, hoping to avoid the strife he had with Damian. (Like in the comics, Bruce was going to give Jason Red Robin)

Tim is unsure of this, and puts off deciding. Then little Jason Peter Todd decides to jack the tires of the batmobile and is immediately taken in.

Everyone is captivated by the tiniest addition to their family, but it's also at this time that Jack Drake finds out about Robin and forces Tim to quit. Tim gives Jason his blessing to become Robin.

Everyone pitches in on helping train the newest Robin. Damian teaches the kid things he learned from the league (non-lethal things, since Damian loves this kid), Duke teaches him escrima fighting, Stephanie (Much to Bruce’s dismay) has a full seminar of the delicacies of glitter bomb making. Tim teaches the kid hacking, when he can get away from his dad. 

Unfortunately, when Jason has been Robin for almost a year, he is killed by the Joker.

The family is torn apart by greif. But this time around, Bruce has a much larger support system. All of them lean on each other.

The only time that Damian ever broke his no-kill rule while living with his father was to kill the Joker. He hunted and murdered the clown, sparing Harley. He had been friends with Quinzel since he was Robin, and knew how the Joker treated her. Harley became the batfam’s honorary aunt after this.

Bruce was too emotionally tired to fight with Damian over his actions, so no one said anything. Eventually, Bruce and Damian did argue. Damian refused to apologize,, though he did promise his father to never kill again. Their relationship was strained for a while, but they worked through it.

Less than a year later, Jack Drake dies, and Tim comes back onto the vigilante scene. He refuses to become Robin, however, choosing to take Bruce up on his offer and become Red Robin. He designs his own suit, and the world seems to slowly become normal. Or some semblance of it.

One night, the circus is in town and the whole family (except Alfred) is home. Duke, Tim, and Steph drag Bruce, Cass, and Damian to go see it.

It is on this night that Dick Grayson’s parents fall to their death. Dick is sent to live in juvi, meanwhile Bruce tries to adopt Dick. He succeeds, and the manor once again has a bright young child running through it’s halls.

Dick figures out the secret identities of his family and instantly demands to be allowed out. He wants to take down Zucko, and won’t settle for every single member hunting for him. Dick wants to take down his parent’s murdered himself. He tries to sneak out multiple times, but is always stopped.

Damian talks to Dick (They are extremely close) and explains the origins of Robin. He says that the mantle was born out of a want to distance himself from the revenge and violence of the league. Dick cries when he learns this and says that his own parents used to call him Robin. He suggests that the mantle is more than a personal need. Robin is Family.

Damian almost immediately demands that Dick be trained and help catch Zucko. Bruce is confused, as before, Damian was strongly against letting a nine-year-old fight crime. Damian explains (after much cajoling. He might be more emotionally open and healthy than when he first arrived in the manor, but the kid is still constipated) what Dick had said, and that Damian understands the kid’s need for direction. “When I first came here, I needed Robin. I might not have known it, but I did. Richard needs Robin now, as well.”

The family took sides on the issue, but eventually Dick (with the aid of his puppy-dog-eyes™) won everyone over. He got his own Robin costume, and they caught Zucko.

Dick refused to stop being Robin, and so Gotham gained a new bird.

Dick was Robin for almost two years when The Red Hood made his appearance in Gotham. No one knew what he wanted, as he didn’t seem to do much beyond killing criminals. They thought he was a vigilante at first, but then he began to take over the criminal underbelly of Gotham, regulating crime. On top of that, Red Hood targeted Robin. Attacking the boy wonder when no one else was around. After the red helmeted rogue let loose a few hints about the league of shadows, Damian interrogated his mother, who explained the identity of The Red Hood, and how she had set him on Gotham.

As soon as the family figured out the newcomer’s identity, and the reason he was alive Damian tracked him down. He knew how to deal with pit rage from his childhood, and brought the lost bird back to the nest.

The family was whole for the first time in years. Jason was still angry and resentful, but he had his family back. Jason was grateful for Damian taking revenge for him, and they were once again close. 

Slowly, Jason let everyone back in, including Bruce. Dick is wary at first of this new older brother, but the little chicken nugget quickly warms up to Jason, and even convinces him to teach him how to shoot a gun (In secret, of course, Dami and Bruce would blow a gasket). Jason couldn’t resist the kid. It was physically impossible.

A year later, Cass decides to pursue dance as her career. She gets a job with the Hong Kong Ballet company. She moves there, and decides to take a new moniker: Black Bat. Her family is so proud of her, but they miss her dearly. Duke visits often, bringing new back to the family.

The absence of Batgirl is filled after a while by Barbara Gordan. She makes her own costume and starts going out. Once again, Stephanie Brown adopts a smol bean (Well, not legally. The commissioner is still alive) and outfits her with a more Gotham-friendly suit and weaponry (I.e. heavy kevlar and leather)

Babs is taken whole-heartedly into the fold, and is made an honorary sister.

[heartless-error]

Broken, not perfect, but together. - Chapter 4

Fandom: DC comics, Batman

Pairings: Jonathan Kent x Damian Wayne (JonDami) & Jason Todd x Timothy Drake (JayTim)

Rating: General, family feels, hurt/comfort, mental health issues, running away

Other(s) links: AO3

Broken.

The Batfamily was broken.

It was six years ago, and they had barely stood together since then, trying to stand up despite guilt and regret.

Damian was sure there was nothing to save, not after losing something that he didn’t know he cared about. But when a new opportunity to get back what they had lost appeared, he cannot help to doubt as his past decisions haunt him again.

If you love somebody, set them free. But you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Chapter 4

 6 years ago

 “Damian?” Jon asked quietly. “Are you there?”

 No answer.

 He didn’t expect it either, but the vague concern and suspicion that had led him fly away on a Tuesday evening to go to Gotham and see his partner increased in the back of his mind, along with his patience beginning to wear thin.

 He held on the window frame and peered silently into the room. The place seemed tidy and same as ever, Damian’s things were in their right place as he liked, and drawings materials with his current notebook were placed on the table, but as if they had not been used recently. That was weird, along with the fact that everything was where it had to be except the owner of the room, who was the person he had come looking for and could not see anywhere.

 This made Jon snort in exasperation. He knew Damian was here, he heard him, he felt him. He couldn’t see him, but that wasn’t necessary to find him. Robin couldn’t hide from him, not for long, and that was precisely what he had come to tell him. Because Damian had been avoiding him and thinks it’s for good reason.

 Yes. These past two days he had been ignoring him, and it might not be anything, but his instincts told him otherwise, so he fly away and now is upset in front of his window, debating whether to enter or not. But he knew that if he didn’t decide quickly Batman would probably catch him and scold him again for sneaking around Gotham without permission, or worse, Alfred would.

 Jon didn’t want to confront Alfred and had flown there for a reason, so taking a decision was very easy.

 “I’m going in.” He warned as he entered the room and closed the window and the curtains behind him, just in case.

 It was when he was inside and looking around that Jon was increasingly aware that he was here because of a very small and insignificant hunch. It had only been two days since Damian didn’t reply any texts, or calls, or give any signs of life in general. It wasn’t that long, it wasn’t even that much, he might be busy or on some mission, who knows?

But Jon was still irritated and worried. To be fair, that’s how he felt most of the time lately, because he was 13, Ktyptonian puberty was weird and he knew that wanting to talk to Damian and hear from him with such intensity wasn’t common. But he was already there, suspected something was wrong, warned before got in, had certain privileges for being his best friend and he only wanted answers. There was no turning back now.

 “Damian?” He asked again as he walked into the room, searching for him and being careful not to touch anything.

 As he flew there, he had been wondering how to ask him why hadn’t texted him these days, what his reasons might be, and why he cared so much. But now that Jon was there, those questions along with that part of him that had been worried and screaming in the background intensified as he confirmed part of his suspicions, realizing the unusual silence surrounding the manor, the sad atmosphere dominating the room and where Damian might actually be hiding.

 Something’s happened.

 He doesn’t know what, or if it’s very serious, but it’s enough for Bruce and his father to be on the phone for hours, for Clark being thoughtful and shocked after that, for break the fragile balance of the manor and for Damian to go to his usual hiding place when something went wrong.

And confirming it, makes the need to see him intensify.

 Sighing and approaching the bed, he felt how the unease began to dominate him, as well as the curiosity of wanting to know what happened, how could he help and why it had affected his partner so much. It had to be bad, because it meant Damian hadn’t contacted him because of whatever had happened in Gotham.

At least it hadn’t been because of he’d been dreading internally in silence, that thing about Damian meeting a pretty, wealthy girl of his same age and status in Gotham High, more interesting and adequate than Jon and the one who Damian could end up falling in love, going to prom, marrying and running into the sunset with their countless children to live together forever as he completely forget about him and the special and unique bond they share and… Enough.

 C’mon Jon, you’re not doing yourself any favor. And now it’s not the right moment, Jonathan, you have to help Damian.

 So, crouching down on the side of the mattress, he grabbed the sheet and lifted it up as he peeked under it.

There were two pairs of green eyes in the darkness under the bed, and only one of them looked at him while the other remained fixed on nothing.

 “Dami.” He called him softly.

 Whatever has happened has to be big or emotionally conflictive, because Damian only chooses to take refuge under his bed when he has big breakdowns. And right now, seeing how the current Robin is lying on his back on the ground, in silence, without any expression, looking at nothing in the dark and holding his cat on his chest without strength, it was clear that he was fighting with himself more than usual.

 “I’m going down there with you, okay?” He said kindly as before.

 If he didn’t want it that way, didn’t show any of it. He just stayed just quiet and still as Jon slid under the mattress and lay down, enough close to him so their shoulders brushed.

He wondered if his lack of reaction was because he was too deep in his own head to deny him the entry or because his best friend privileges allowed him to be there. Whatever, he knew Damian was well aware of his presence no matter how much he didn’t show it.

 The floor was clean, not cozy but this particular hideaway was always kept pretty decent. Damian never told him in detail, but he knew the reason he tended to hide here or in other tight places when was sad is because made him feel safe in a certain way. During his time in the league, he might have been treated like a prince, but should always be on guard, watching for his surroundings and ready to fight. But if he locked himself in a small place where no one could reach him, he had a moment of solitude and peace, because nobody could attack behind his back nor take him by surprise, he had the control and the security of being vulnerable for a single moment.

It’s also because once, after arguing with Tim over any nonsense that would affect him too much, he hid there. When the third Robin went looking for him he pretended not to find him, and Damian ended up sleeping. When he woke up a while later, he was in bed, tucked up and Tim sleeping next to him. They didn’t speak about it or apologize later, but they didn’t need to.

 However, unlike them, Jon need to speak with him now. To know what happened and why of his reaction. As much as the silent support he was used to give him was there, he feared that this time it wouldn’t be enough.

 He always feared not to be enough for Damian.

 After a few minutes of silence between them, Jon slowly raised his hand to caress Alfred the cat, who had not moved from his place or taken his eyes off him since he joined them, as if wondering what he was doing there, despite being used to his presence.

 However, while he was debating how to start the conversation -or whether to start it-, like a good cat he was, Alfred sniffed his hand, allowed him to pet him twice and then got tired, meowed in protest and quickly get off from Damian’s chest to ran away.

 Jon didn’t know if apologize to the cat for bothering him or to apologize to Damian for taking away the comfort his pet gave him. But instead he said nothing and lowered his hand again in disappointment, still unsure what to do.

 Damian still didn’t react, didn’t even seem sad for the cat’s disappearance, and his concern increased. But when he lowered his hand Jon could feel the touch of his, warm and close, so close, and easy to grab for comfort and to show him that he was still by his side. Would it be okay? How far he could press his luck today?

He was doubting again, almost panicking, when Damian’s voice finally broke the silence, revealing the cause of the entire disaster.

 “Todd and Drake are dating.”

 He said it in a monotonous and indifferent tone, which was clearly feigned. And at the revelation of that information, Jon tilted his head to stare at him, frowning but not saying anything now that Damian had begun to speak.

 “We found out two nights ago, nobody liked it.” He continued, still in that cold and analytical tone. “Grayson and Father argued with them in the cave. Drake ended up crying.”

 Jon frowned further and felt Damian’s hand shake lightly, as if he was holding back to clench his fist. He couldn’t blame him, Tim tends a lot to hold back his emotional responses and hide them carefully, everyone knows he has to be very affected and shaken to break like that. He doesn’t want to know what kinds of things could have been said in that fight to make Tim reach that limit, but the expectation causes him an agonizing and alarming discomfort.

 “They want them to break up.” Damian said. “Because it’s dangerous, risky and irresponsible.”

 This time was Jon who clenched his fist, not wanting to believe what he was hearing.

 It was common knowledge that bats were very competent as detectives, they could catch rapist, drug dealers or killers with four clues or less. But when it comes to feelings, emotions, or relationships… Well, they had too many secrets, too many risks, and they are too compromised to the crusade to risk anything. They could even saw close friendships as dangerous in punctual moments.

 However, Tim and Jason were an even bigger complication, and now he was starting to understand Damian’s conflicts and why he was like this. Because not only was Tim’s civil identity as CEO of WE added to the above, if not also the fact that both had strayed too far from the family -or at least from Bruce- in recent years. The relationship was tense and although he didn’t know the details, resentment was palpable in their interactions, you could tell Batman didn’t like the “Red team” and even Jon was aware that the only reason they put a feet on the manor were Damian, Alfred and Batcow.

 Damian, who knew everything now, who had heard the fight and the same cruel words as them, who loved Tim and Jason as brothers more than ever since he started growing up by their side.

 Damian, who couldn’t be agreed with those statements because, with him, he knew how happy Tim and Jason could be together.

 “They can’t do that.” Jon answered, sighing uneasily. “They’ve been dating for three years already.”

 Finally, that was what made Damian look away from the mattress to him, their faces too close, but his eyes sparkling with curiosity and reproach. Silently asking how he knew such detail.

Jon hesitated, not knowing how to answer properly. It had been obvious to him, with the flirting, the looks, the stolen sweatshirts, the shared safe houses, and the close and angry surveillance Kon kept on Hood sometimes. But he chose to say the more obvious and important reason to him.

 “I know how a heart in love sounds like.” He replied, looking at the other intently.

 Yes, he knew it. Learning to control his super-hearing had helped him to identify those kinds of things over time. And he learned to say what was behind the hearts that skipped a beat when seeing that person, behind those that beat fast when being too close or those who rumbled with strength and vigor just by being together.

 He knew it because it was how his and Damian’s had always sounded.

 And for a moment they said nothing, they were quiet again, looking at each other in the dim darkness, in their hiding place. Too much to say, too much to feel, too much to talk about. Jon swallowed hard and Damian shuddered in his position.

 “They said it’s dangerous… Because Todd tried to kill Drake.” Damian ended up saying, lowering his voice and showing more uncertainty in his tone this time. “Because he was a killer, he was a criminal. And they can’t trust him.”

 And there, there, there was the real problem.

 The real reason Damian was in that state, hiding under his bed and not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to see him.

 Because Jason was a killer, he was a criminal and he tried to kill Tim, just like Damian. And Tim was the youngest prodigy son, estranged, but good at what he does and seen as vulnerable by the other, just like him.

And if Bruce, Dick, and even his own father comforting Bruce on the phone, all those who Damian admired and believed couldn’t trust Jason, couldn’t give him a chance despite knowing he had reformed, he had changed, he had grown up and he loved Tim…

 What will they say about them?

 Jon immediately moved his hand to grab Damian’s tightly, forgetting his previous doubts and fears, even those of weeks ago, and feeling the discomfort sink his chest.

None of that indicated that they were going to react in the same way to them, it’s different but at the same time there were similarities, the words that were spoken in the cave had to be harsh and the thought of Clark talking to Bruce on the phone as if someone had dead instead Tim and Jason dating made him want to throw up.

 “They think he’s going to hurt him.” Damian didn’t grab his hand back, he just said that looking at him still unsure and worried. “That he’s not appropriate, that they are better apart.”

 Jon wanted to scream. Because he knew Damian wasn’t just talking about Jason, and people thinking that about him, just like Damian believing that about himself, made him angry, it hurts.

 “Do you think that too?” He asked with a lump in his throat.

 Damian’s hand trembled in his, indecisively. They still hadn’t taken their eyes off each other.

 “No.” He answered then, completely sure. As if he didn’t have to ask anyone to find out the answer, and he didn’t. “I know he would rather die again than hurt him, and I know he will fight whatever it takes to be by his side, whether he’s worthy or not.”

 The grip on his hand was returned, much stronger and secure than ever. His green eyes shining with determination and courage, saying things that couldn’t yet in words, their hearts beating strongly together again.

 “That’s love.” Jon said, almost without breath.

 “It is.” Damian replied, lacing their fingers.

 Needless to say, they weren’t just talking about Tim and Jason.

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s NBA Previewpalooza: Part One

One of the most hectic and entertaining NBA offseasons in recent memory is finally drawing to a close, and real-live game action is nearly upon us. After ending last season by swiftly dispatching the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Golden State Warriors have cemented themselves as the most ridiculous Final Boss in the history of team sports. Barring an injury that prevents either Kevin Durant or Steph Curry from playing in the postseason, it’s damn near impossible to imagine anyone preventing them from repeating. In the same way that a movie can still be great even if you guess the ending ahead of time, the ups and downs of each of the thirty teams in the NBA are still a ton of fun to follow, even if the eventual champion is basically a foregone conclusion. For me they are, anyway. 

Today I’ll be previewing the Eastern Conference, with the teams presented in the order I think they’ll finish, worst-to-first. I’ll roll out my Western Conference predictions and my picks for the end-of-season awards as soon as I can. Let’s rock and roll.

15. Chicago Bulls. Mother of God, this roster is an atrocity. Zach LaVine is the best player the Bulls have on their roster by a country mile, and he’s currently recovering from a torn ACL. He’s not even going to be cleared for contact until sometime in November. In the meantime, their best player is...Nikola Mirotic? I guess? Mirotic is a 6′10″ PF who averaged as many three-point attempts per game as rebounds last season, while shooting under 42% from the field. Woof. 

This year is all about landing a high draft pick to add to their young core of LaVine and uh, Denzel Valentine, Kris Dunn and Lauri Markkanen. Damn, GarPax. Nice work. 

14. Brooklyn Nets. Oh, jeez. I’ll say this for the Nets: I really liked the move to ship Brook Lopez out of town for D’Angelo Russell. Lopez served no purpose on a team this bad, and there’s always the chance that the next foot injury he suffers is a career-ender. Getting a young guy with Russell’s pedigree for him is a score. In addition, the Nets are doing that thing where a team acts as a dumping ground for other team’s shitty contracts, while picking up draft picks along the way (they got a 2nd rounder from Toronto for taking DeMarre Carroll, for example). 

Speaking of draft picks, it’s impossible to talk about the Nets without mentioning the truly heinous trade that deprived them of their ‘14, ‘16, 17, and ‘18 first round picks. I still can’t believe that happened. The light at the end of the tunnel for the Nets isn’t going to be all that bright until after next season, when their rebuild can finally begin in earnest. In the meantime, enjoy D’Angelo and Jeremy Lin!

13. Atlanta Hawks. I learned recently that Dennis Schroder is a huge douche and his teammates really don’t like him at all. A team’s best player being an asshole isn’t a big deal when the player is a legit stud. When it’s Dennis Schroder, that’s less than ideal. The Hawks have some decently fun guys to watch in Schroder, Kent Bazemore, Taurean Prince and incoming rookie John Collins (pride of Wake Forest). I don’t really see it translating to a whole lot of wins, though. This feels like a transitional year for them, and I’m not sure if coach Mike Budenholzer is the kind of guy who’d want to stick around for a full rebuilding project. I can’t for the life of me find any information on his contract, so it won’t be surprising if he bails after this season, and the Hawks sink into full tank-mode. 

12. New York Knicks. Well, they got rid of Carmelo. The return wasn’t all that great (that’s putting it kindly), but it’s tough to argue that it was the wrong move. Now, the team can focus on developing Kristaps Porzingis into a superstar, and trying to build around him. The Knicks definitely aren’t going to be a GOOD team, but with Kristaps doing Kristaps things, Michael Beasley doing Michael Beasley things, Willy Hernangomez hustling like a madman, and Tim Hardaway Jr. possibly attempting 10 threes a game, they won’t be a total drag to watch. 

11. Indiana Pacers. I love Myles Turner as much as almost anyone, but he’s not enough to carry a winning team by himself quite yet. Victor Oladipo is a fine running mate, and I think he’ll have his best year to date. With Darren Collison and Cory Joseph both on the roster, the Pacers are assured of having a competent, unspectacular general on the floor at all times. I think the Pacers have enough to keep from completely bottoming out, but this still looks like a lottery team.

10. Philadelphia 76ers. There’s not a team in the league with as wide a range of possible outcomes as the Sixers. There are so many “ifs” here. IF Embiid plays 65+ games, and IF Ben Simmons hits the ground running, and IF Markelle Fultz is ready to play, this team could sneak into one of the final playoff spots in the East. On the other hand, IF Embiid has a health setback and another lost year, and IF Ben Simmons is still too raw to count on, and IF Markelle Fultz’s terrible jumper totally undermines his other qualities, the Sixers could find themselves dangerously close to the Nets and Bulls at the bottom of the conference. I think the Sixers will be one of the most fun teams in the league to watch this year, but they won’t coalesce enough to make a legit run at the playoffs until next season.

9. Charlotte Hornets. Truth be told, there really isn’t much of a difference between the Hornets, Pistons, and Magic. The Hornets losing Nic Batum to injury is a bummer, as this is a team that can ill-afford to lose a playmaker. They brought in Dwight Howard, and if the early reports are to be believed, he’s as healthy as he’s been in awhile, and he’s feeling rejuvenated. It remains to be seen how long the honeymoon period will last for him in Charlotte. The Hornets are well-coached and they have several good defenders. Kemba Walker is a legit star and has shown the ability to drag his team to the playoffs in the past. I also really liked their drafting of Malik Monk. Add it all up, and the Hornets aren’t a top-tier franchise, but they’re far from a smoldering trainwreck. I’m not great with compliments.

8. Detroit Pistons. I might be one of the few people remaining on the Andre Drummond bandwagon. I still think he has it in him to be an absolute force defensively, and I hope he makes a leap this season. Bringing in Avery Bradley gives them some more shooting and further fortifies their defense. By surrounding a rim-wrecking big man with shooters, it’s pretty clear Stan Van Gundy is trying to recapture the glory of his Orlando days. If he can get something useful in return for Reggie Jackson, and if Stanley Johnson progresses enough to be a legit rotation player, the Pistons may very well have a stew going. 

7. Orlando Magic. I really like a lot of the Magic players individually, but they’ve had issues fitting together in recent seasons. I think things will be different this year. Aaron Gordon is primed to take a step forward and become an All-Star, and Elfrid Payton has the skill to be a very good PG, especially defensively. Evan Fournier and Terrance Ross can both score in bunches from beyond the three-point line. The organization seems to dislike Nic Vucevic, but he’s a good player. He’ll either be productive for the Magic, or they’ll finally find a trade they like and bring in someone who fits what they want to do. 6′ 10″ rookie Jonathan Isaac was one of the picks at the draft that made the analysts ooh and ahh, so I guess that’s a good thing. 

6. Toronto Raptors. The Raptors are a pretty good team. They have two All-Star caliber players in Lowry and DeRozan, and Serge Ibaka is a perfectly decent third wheel. With that said, it feels to me like they’ve gone about as far as they can go. Most likely, they’ll chug through the season similar to the way they have the last couple of years, and proceed to bow out early in the playoffs. However, it wouldn’t surprise me if they get off to a slow start and decide to fire Coach Dwane Casey. After that, things could really spiral out of control, and DeRozan or Lowry could end up being traded. 

5. Miami Heat. I love Erik Spoelstra, and this roster is tailor-made for a coach to go buckwild trying to cause matchup problems for the opponent. They have an elite rim-protector in Hassan Whiteside, an upper-echelon point guard in Goran Dragic, and a slew of very good role players. There’s size and athleticism up and down the roster. They can go small, they can go big, they can load up with perimeter shooting, they have Peak Dion Waiters, and they brought in Kelly Damn Olynyk. This team as constituted is a blast. The only thing keeping them from legitimate contention is their lack of a go-to superstar. Pat Riley has proven rather adept at securing the services of players like that, but they don’t have any young guys that are obvious trade pieces, and they’re devoid of draft picks for 2018, so odds of an in-season deal are pretty slim.

4. Washington Wizards. I consider myself to be a reasonably WizWoke guy, but much like the Raptors, this feels like a team that’s reached it’s ceiling. The difference between the Wiz and the Raptors is that while Kyle Lowry and Serge Ibaka have caused locker room issues in the past, John Wall and Brad Beal seem to be more measured and mature guys, their own rocky relationship notwithstanding. I don’t see the potential for their locker room to implode the way I do with Toronto. Barring major injuries, this is a team that should coast to home court in the first round of the playoffs. Wall and Beal are a spectacular backcourt, and Otto Porter has improved every year he’s been in the league. Marcin Gortat is steady, but his style of play is rapidly becoming a liability in today’s NBA. They’re an athletic rim-protector away from taking another step forward, and unfortunately those aren’t all that easy to acquire. Also, Markieff Morris is a total piece of shit.

3. Cleveland Cavaliers. Just to be perfectly clear, I’m not saying the Cavs are the third best team in the East. I’m saying they’ll finish with the third-best regular season record. Isaiah Thomas, Derrick Rose, and Dwyane Wade are going to miss a ton of games. LeBron’s only objective is winning a title, and if he thinks resting during the season will improve his chances, he’s gonna sit some, as well. They aren’t going to care about gunning for a #1 seed, because they know they can beat anyone in the East without it. There will probably be a little bit of a feeling out process at the beginning of the year, but this is a veteran-laden roster and it should go smoothly. There’s a faint whiff of danger here, with Isaiah Thomas’ uncertain health, and the cloud of LeBron possibly bolting after the season hanging over everything. I don’t THINK things will take a nasty turn for them, but if they did it would be delightful from an entertainment perspective. 

2. Milwaukee Bucks. I am ALL IN on the Bucks. The term “position-less basketball” has become en vogue recently, and the Bucks are perfectly suited for it. They are flush with young, athletic, lengthy defenders. Half the battle in today’s NBA is trying to force defenders to switch assignments until you end up with a matchup you can take advantage of. Well, the Bucks have a boatload of guys who can reasonably guard every position on the floor. They’re going to be a nightmare to play against. 

In addition to their defensive capabilities, they have motherfuckin�� Giannis Antetokounmpo. He’s a superhuman. I think this is the year he vaults into superduperstardom, and he’s a legit MVP candidate. The Bucks figure to get Jabari Parker back sometime around the All-Star break, and if he can pick up where he left off, it’ll give them a massive boost offensively. Jabari was averaging over 20 PPG and shooting over 36% from three before he went down.

I think the Bucks will keep the pedal to the metal all season long as they announce their presence as a legit team, and as a result the wins will pile up. They are young and hungry, and will enjoy the hell out of wrecking people. The main thing keeping me from vaulting them all the way to the top spot, and giving them serious consideration to make the Finals, is the fact that they’re coached by Jason Kidd. I have no idea if he’s a good coach or not. He does completely inexplicable things all the time, but then he’ll counteract that by pushing all of the right buttons for a few games in a row. Much like the rest of the Bucks, there’s room for him to take the next step forward and become one of the league’s best. 

1. Boston Celtics. I swear this isn’t me being a homer. The Celtics are loaded and they have a very good coach. It’ll likely take them a bit to figure out how to play together, but once they get the hang of things, they’re gonna be really good. Basically everyone has a Celtics-Cavaliers Eastern Conference Finals set in stone at this point. But, whereas the Cavs have the kind of well-earned confidence that allows them to not give a rat’s ass about the regular season and homecourt advantage, the Celtics aren’t there yet. I think getting homecourt for a potential playoff showdown with the Cavs is really important to them, and as a result they won’t let up during the season. Even if Kyrie Irving does miss games, as he’s wont to do, the roster is deep enough that they should still be able to hang with most teams even without him. When you have a team with this amount of talent trying to win as many games as possible, playing in a weak conference, they’re gonna put up a enough Ws to lock up a #1 seed.

Whew! That’s it for the East, be sure to come back next time for my thoroughly uninformed opinions on the West!

[billcoberly]

The Silliest Take of the Week: 1/15/2017

(Yes, it’s a day late. I was sick).

I was worried when I started this project that I wouldn’t have any good Silly Takes for my first week. I needn’t have worried. This was a good week for Silly Takes. Let’s go over a few of the greatest hits before we move into the Silliest Take of the Week:

Most Commitment to a Silly Metaphor

Ben Shapiro, “Health Care Is a Commodity, Not A Right,” for National Review Online, 1/11/2017

Ben Shapiro felt compelled to defend a snarky tweet he made to Senator Bernie Sanders, wherein he compared being unable to afford healthcare to being unable to afford fancy furniture. Much of his defense is fairly standard conservative talking points about the value of a market for healthcare, but the end of his article brings us this gem: 

“Let’s say your life depended on the following choice today: you must obtain either an affordable chair or an affordable X-ray. Which would you choose to obtain? Obviously, you’d choose the chair. That’s because there are many types of chair, produced by scores of different companies and widely distributed. You could buy a $15 folding chair or a $1,000 antique without the slightest difficulty. By contrast, to obtain an X-ray you’d have to work with your insurance company, wait for an appointment, and then haggle over price. Why? Because the medical market is far more regulated — thanks to the widespread perception that health care is a “right” — than the chair market.”

After making a final push for a deregulated healthcare market, Shapiro shows the alternative: 

“Or we could just read Senator Sanders’s tweets while we wait in line for a government-sponsored surgery — dying, presumably, in a decrepit chair.” (emphasis added).

Look, whatever the merits of a deregulated healthcare market, this commitment to a silly, off-the-cuff metaphor deserves only one response:

Most Amazingly Clueless Tweet

Matt Walsh, a writer for The Blaze, shared this gem with us on 1/13/2017 at 2:53 CST: 

Twitter was not terribly impressed, and neither am I.

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The next two are actually from slightly before this week began, but I’m sneaking them in anyway because I wasn’t collecting silly takes before this week, and they contain some Eminently Silly Moments.

Best Obligatory Pop Culture Reference From Six Months Ago:

Lee Tran Lam, “La La Land is a terrible film, but it will win Best Picture at the Oscars anyway,” for The Age, 1/6/2017.

“[La La Land] rewards in-the-know critics, but really it’s the Pokemon Go of movie references: See how many self-congratulatory film allusions you can collect.”

I have not seen La La Land, and therefore don’t have an opinion on whether the movie is any good. But this doesn’t make very much sense. I might understand this better if it had been written in July, when every single thinkpiece was mandated by Internet Law to include a Pokemon Go joke.

Silliest False Equivalence:

Stephen Marche for the L.A. Times: “The Left Has a Post-Truth Problem, Too: It’s Called Comedy,” 1/6/2017

The thesis of this take, such as it is, is that liberal Daily Show-style comedy bits are functionally identical to right-wing “fake news.” Look, I get that there are plenty of reasons to be distrustful of the Daily Show clones in the world, but the analogue to right-wing fake news on the Left is left-wing fake news, not Last Week Tonight.

Best moment is this:

“In one sense, of course, political satire is the opposite of fake news. Satirists rip away the pretenses of journalism to reveal what they believe to be true. Fake news sites use the pretenses of journalism to spread what they know to be false. Despite intentions, however, the effect is the same.”

Is it? Is it really?

The Silliest Take of the Week, 1/15/2017:

Eileen Jones, Jacobin Magazine: “Against Meryl Streep,” 1/9/2017.

Meryl Streep’s anti-Trump speech at the Golden Globes was the speech that launched a thousand Silly Takes. And look: there was plenty of stuff about the speech that annoyed me. For one thing, for Meryl Streep to get up at the Golden Globes and give a speech about why acting is great and Trump is bad is about the safest and most predictable thing in the whole world. The weird aside about football and MMA was pointless and weird, and to suggest, even in jest, that the members of the HFPA are the “most reviled people in America right now” rankles me.

But that’s it. While most of us might have just rolled our eyes and moved on, Eileen Jones at Jacobin took this speech deeply personally. What follows is a polemic about how Meryl Streep is awful that only vaguely flirts with any kind of relevant political observation. There might be something worthwhile in contrasting Streep’s “class” with the more populist Democratic Party championed by Bernie Sanders, but that article would have to spend more time on politics and less time on how much this writer HATES HATES HATES Meryl Streep.

Some good moments:

“The tilt of [Streep’s] jaw, the lift of her nose like something out of an old portrait representing aristocratic Anglo-German inbreeding, the toss of that shiny blonde mane, overawed everyone.”

Political revolution is often best accomplished by mocking a woman’s looks, folks, never forget this.

“In America, classiness will get you everywhere, and there’s no better demonstration of it than the teary-eyed adoration generated by every move Streep makes.”

It’s weird, post-Trump, to say that “In America, classiness will get you everywhere.” Classiness will apparently get you everywhere, except for, you know, the White House.

“I may have to take today off work, just to recover from this latest onslaught of Streepian solipsism embraced by the world as the height of Hollywood ethics, which is just the best ethics of all.” 

And, best of all, the article’s subheader:

“Meryl Streep’s speechifying at the Golden Globes was the worst thing to happen since Trump’s election.” 

Can you imagine having such a myopic view of the world that the worst thing to happen since Trump’s election is Meryl Streep giving a predictable speech at an awards show?

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Congratulations to Jacobin Magazine for winning the Inaugural Silliest Take of the Week award for 1/15/17. Thanks to Tim, Erin, and Rex for submitting Silly Takes, and check back next week for yet more Internet foolishness! Submit anything you find to sillytakes@gmail.com!