#(had to delete it bc my mom asked to see my phone and she doesnt like that kind of stuff

[tiniest-cosmos]

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[notthatnebula]

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[kirishwima]

its amazing how much my mom lies and shifts stories to fit her narrative and when you call her out on it she'll insist its the truth like?????hello did u take manipulation 101??????

[pissmood]

basically im just going to use this as a mood tracker and journal bc everythibg in the app store costs money that i dont have bc my account is $-300 because the hotel charges are still pending on my account! i dont really want to use an app anyway because what if i dont end up liking it? and most of them are like $30 a year or some shit and its stupid to me. every time im at work i look at the journal section and think about buying one but for some reason im scared. what if someone i know reads it? of course thats always an option here but idk, something about typing into the void seems safer because i have plausible deniability that its me, plus i can just delete a tumblr easily. plus the idea of strangers reading about my thoughts and my day is weirdly therapeutic sounding. maybe someone new will reach out and i’ll make a friend. probably not, but the chance is not 0.

anyway today was pretty okay. im 2 days in to my week off of work. i took a week off because ive been feeling overwhelmed and my partner said he doesnt mind. i didnt do a single thing today. just played around on my phone, didnt even play a video game, unless you count shining nikki lol. side note, im absolutely obsessed with nikki, theres a new event going in game and her dialogue makes me think she’s autistic which is probably why i love her so much lol. but yea, mainly just hung around all day, i put on lingerie because i thought my bf would like it, which he did, but idk i was hoping for something more romantic than what happened but oh well. after that i had a job interview at an ice cream shop, and i tried it out while i was there and it was delicious. then we went grocery shopping and went down every isle :). after getting home we ate snacks and i watched more tiktoks. i saw one that was like “POV: u grew up with a single mom in the early 2000s” and it showed a bunch of pics that really reminded me of my mom. it made me sad. ive been missing her a lot lately, i dont know why. i just wish i could talk to her, maybe see if being 24 was this fucking hard and desperate feeling for her too. idk. and then me and my partner were just talking about whatever and he mentioned how much he just doesnt want to do anything, and it made me realize how much i force him to do stuff with me. he never complained about it and when i brought it up he said he doesnt really mind, but i want to do better for him. i always ask him to take me places and do things with me on his days off, and i need to give him space to breathe. he works way harder than i ever could, and i dont really let him rest. i mean im taking a whole week off after we ALREADY took a weekend together to see my family because im so burnt out and stressed, i need to let him have time to do nothing too. i meed to respect his time and space like he does for me. i know he said he doesnt mind running errands eith me on his off days but idk. i just want to do right by him.

basically im just writing all this stuff down because i need to be able to self reflect, i meed to be able to get this all out and i dont know how else to do it. i want to write here about my day every day. ive been so overwhelmed recently and maybe this will help. maybe seeing it all written out will make me realize its not that bad and im just being a dramatic baby about everything. but yea i just want to be able to liveblog my life LMAO. tomorrow should be fun because me and my partner are going to my friends house to watch the meteor shower. very excited about that :).

[byunrelatable]

ok on the ask game, 5 + 19 !! this is gonna get long bear with me oof. i’ve confessed to two people, one was a boy that i was once close with but he ignored me after we broke up :”) it’s fine he’s an ass anyway. but the second person is my current gf and holy uh this is actually kinda personal so i won’t go too in depth but we can say i did it bc it was too much not to anymore (pt 1/?)

.hi kam!! i love u thanks for the asks and thanks for sharing your story!! im really glad things worked out with you and your gf, sounds like you two have truly been through thick and thin together, you must have a very strong bond. that makes my heart feel very warm, im so happy for you!!

im going to put the rest of your asks, as well as my responses to the questions, under the cut so this doesnt become a super long post. to answer 5 and 19 in short, i will say that my answer to 5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? is yes, and its an embarrassing story, it also involves underage drinking so anyone uncomfy with that should not look under the cut!! and my answer to 19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted, i’ll probably keep that answer pretty short but true to my word, everything is going under the cut from here on out. thank you for sharing your story kam

send me two way asks!!

here’s the rest of kam’s asks:

we didn’t date then bc things were complicated (like i said, pERSONAL) and i,,,, did it a second time with her months later,,,,, i wouldn’t have if my friends didn’t push me to do it but they did annnddd we started dating then!! and haaaaa i uh,,,, did it once more at the end of feb this year,,,,,, bc we weren’t together at the time (this is also very personal so i could tell you abt the whole thing privately if you wanted) (pt 2/?)

in short i woke up and she asked me to be her gf again sOo, lol it’s all fun. aaannnddd here we go okay i literally just texted my gf as i write this oof but i think one of the fondest memories i have is both kinda negative but i view it positively? it was around the end of january in 2016 and we had been talking for a month or so. at the time i wasn’t in the best state of mind. (pt ¾)

i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have recollection of crying a lot at school waiting for my exam and just realizing how much i cared abt her and her about me and i think that marks the moment we became best friends rlly and damn who would even think to get to where we are now oof not me?? (pt 4/4 i went all out i’m sorryajsndnf)

what a story!!! like i said before, im really glad it all came together in the end, and that you have such a wonderful supportive gf

5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? yeah okay. from seventh grade until 11th i had a huge crush on this boy in my class. he was always doing crazy cool exchange programs. in 8th grade he went to school in coasta rica for a year, we e-mailed (lmao) all the time while he was gone. he came back in 9th grade and i was so so excited to see him again. he left again in 10th grade, and that was a hard year for me. my dad and step mom (who practically raised me) were getting divorced and i was going through some weird shit with an older guy (gross. he’s gross and predatory and i didnt know better cause i was like 15/16). so i started drinking and sneaking out and partying. 

the kid i had a crush on came back in 11th grade and i was ecstatic. we picked up our friendship where we left it off. but here’s the kicker: he was (and probably still is? but probably isnt as much of a hardass about it) a devout christian, and drinking was NOT in line with his values. he had heard from his mom that i had been doing stuff like that, and he brought it up and said he was concerned. i told him i’d stop, because i was young and i had had a crush on this kid for over four years at this point, and our mutual friend kept dropping hints that he was interested, and.. sigh. so i told him i’d cut the partying and he said he had to see it. fast forward to spring, i applied and got into a program which sends students to japan for two weeks, and this kid also got in, and i was STOKED to be in japan with him for two weeks. the first week it was fun. our last night in tokyo, i wanted to spend some time alone with him, and the rest of our friends were planning to buy some sake (we were literally 16 but they did it, they didnt get carded) and drink it at the hotel, and they wanted me to distract him cause they were worried he’d rat them out, and i was so down to try that because i wanted to spend time with him anyways. so i asked if he wanted to go on an adventure–just go get on a random subway line and see where it leads. he kinda blew me off, which stung. then in an effort to get him to hang out with me, i told him what the other kids were planning (they had specifically told me not to tell him). i told him, and said “so i really think we should just go somewhere else so we dont have to be around that.” he didnt listen to me, instead he followed the rest of the group into the convenience store and they were like uhhh, then he went up to my friend hannah and was like “so you’re buying sake huh?” and she looked at me like what the fuck arianna and i looked at her like im sorry i couldnt get him to come with me and he was like whatever and then he left the convenience store and our other friend jay went with him. i assumed they went back to the hotel. so i went back as well but they werent there. when i asked someone else where they were, they said “oh, they went out into the city on a random subway line just to go on an adventure!” the literal exact thing i had suggested. i was livid. moreso, i was really hurt. so i decided to say fuck it and get drunk, cause i had been abstaining from alcohol ALL YEAR for the sake of this ONE GUY who had really played me and led me on ALL FUCKING YEAR and lowkey for the past FOUR YEARS. so i was like, whatever. so i got drunk. then jay and the guy came back from their adventure. i asked my other drunk companions if i seemed sober (bad, bad idea. they were not good judges) they all said i seemed fine, so i went to give the kid a piece of my mind. get to his room and its just him cause his roommate had been with us in the drinking room. so i say, hey i need to talk to you. the first thing he asks is if i had drank, and i said no, like a liar with a big fat crush. then we sit down on opposite beds, and i told him i was really hurt that he rejected my offer to go on an adventure and immediately did the same thing with jay. he gave me a bs excuse like “it was kinda spontaneous” and i was like, thats bullshit. then i poured out my heart, about crushing on him for the last four years, about being a good friend when he dated hannahkate in seventh grade, about always waiting for him to come back, about working so hard to stop drinking just to be the person he wanted me to be. and i told him i loved him.

his response? “thank you for telling me.” and it shattered my heart.

when he walked me to the door of his room, he said “by the way. you were slurring the whole time, and your breath smells like alcohol. i knew you had drank from the start.” needless to say, THAT was embarrassing.

i go back to the room, drink more, eventually everyone leaves and its me and hannah. i tell her what happened, freak out a bit, cry.

the next day we woke up kinda early and went to this man-made island place i dont remember the name of, and we spent the day there. i was really quiet and reserved all day (not like me, then or now). i did not eat. when we got back to the hotel that night, hannah gave me a melon bread, and i said i wasnt hungry. she said “you havent eaten all day. if you dont eat this right now, im going to take your phone, delete [kid’s name] from all your contacts, delete every picture or video you have on your phone, erase him from your life. do you want that?” to which i said, no. and i ate the bread. it was tough love and i needed it. i was a little better the next day.

a few days later in kyoto the kid and i talked on a rooftop at sunset. i felt a little better after that. it was hard going through all of that, after four years of pining for him, but.. it was good. it was closure. i laid my cards on the table, i finally told him how i felt, and he rejected me. and it hurt, but there was nothing left to say, and it finally closed that door that had been slightly ajar for four years. and i was able to move on after that, fairly quickly actually. jumping back into partying cause i didnt have someone to impress kind of helped. well, it also kind of spun my life off in a horrible direction that led to a horrible depressing senior year of high school, but thats another story.

yeesh, that was long. on to the next one!!

19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted the most recent person i texted is my friend named nico. the first memory that comes to mind is last summer, we used to hang out a lot, one night we went to this 24 hour diner called beth’s cafe that we both love. we went at like 4 am and it was so so so fun. afterwards we watched emperors new groove in his bed and then passed out. i love nico so much. we used to be a lot closer in the summer, but at the end of summer i fucked up and we had a falling out. we still are friends and we still talk (i.e. we texted today planning to hang out this week) but.. its not the same. and i really miss the way things were before. golly isnt that bittersweet. now im a lil sad. but thats okay

thank you to anyone who read all that garbage uidsgfihjs

[fe-li-ci-ti-es]

12.27

the past few days have been really good. it’s been fun to be at home in a full house with my family. the highlights have been going to the trampoline park and teaching my little niece “oh christmas tree” on piano and watching wheel of fortune and giving gifts 

today was especially good because we went for a walk, out to eat at a mexican place, then went to a pet store, and then looked at sale items in marshalls. things have felt different this year and so doing all of our favorite pasttimes made it feel just like normal. we got to pet a dog and some kittens!

ok the kids have been pretty good this year, the only thing is that one of them is kind of addicted to video games now and doesnt spend much time with us. i feel like i should try to help him out but i dont really know what to say. also another one of the kids has been talking to a girl (!!) almost constantly on his phone. ah im happy for him and i know that even if it doesnt work out that it will be a good learning experience for him and maybe it will work out?? still, im glad that he trusts me and has confided in me. lol we tried to write a rap and its trash but it was fun. 

we went to costco yesterday and got a lot of good food! but this is probs the worst ive been about food. i have been eating a lot at night and then purging and its really bad. so tomorrow im planning on just eating as normally as possible, no desserts at all. 

also I kind of want to ask what alex is doing for nye but it looks like he is traveling with his family and idk when he will be back. idk if i should hold out for a few days or ask tomorrow. 

ive been having some weird dreams lately. i had a dream the other day that i was in an orgy and oliver was with me... weird, all of it. i guess it was because he was on my mind lately. then i also had that dream that i was surfing with madison. and my dream last night was that i was partying with david dobrik. ok that was a lit dream and i wouldnt mind having that one again tonight. 

i feel like im better about hanging out and talking to the adults more rather than just playing with the kids too. also i see more of my dads perspective now; sometimes the kids are just super loud and i need to rest! maybe thats because im getting old as the hills lol 

ohh also my mom said she got me something and the way she said it led me to believe that it was special... so i got excited and thought it was wine... however, it was actually some t-shirts. it feels like a rite of passage to have a drink with your parents, its a time when you are considered to be equal. maybe thats just some bullshit but thats how i feel. 

also, ive been talking to this guy in paper science for about a month now. we’ve been snap chatting mostly. he’s very active on snapchat. honestly, i dont see a serious relationship with him so i think i should not snapchat him so much. i dont want to cross a line of no return. hes my #1 best friend on snapchat and i dont think he really deserves to be there. hes going to be my TA again for next semester so that could be awkward. however, i dont see harm in one date... and he did say that he “owes me a movie.” but im not sure hes serious about that lol and ive been sticking to my promise to not think so much about dumb boys. 

also, today i saw brians snapchat story because my nephew still has him on snapchat. for some reason brian didnt delete him. it made me kind of miss him bc it was a video of him making music which is something that we loved to do together. he was playing ukulele with his sister. ahh. he is so hurt. i couldnt even get him to respond to my text of “merry christmas.” and if we are in pep band next semester together, how awkward will that be?