#personal yadda yadda

[snaaaaaaaaaake]

urgh. im really not feeling good about mh art today. so im not drawing till tomorrow bc i dont feel like dealing with that. but also i want to fuCKINF DRAW-

[z0mbieraptor]

I don’t know why I love cute animals paws so much? I never liked it much but every time i look it i want to poke or touch it. /)(>3<)(\

[seirye]

serious shit behind the read more it's more for me than anyone else because getting it out helps

So, Thanksgiving is like...my favorite holiday, of the entire year. Usually it's a good day for us. We get along, for once. We have a giant meal together. Maybe that was better when grandma was alive, when we had it at her house. There's always some little drama here and there, it's a family who practically hates each other, but we still had good days.

Today? It absolutely sucked. I didn't get much sleep last night, and what I did was full of tossing and turning and waking up all too often. I woke up early because Luca's alarm went off, woke up sweating because even one body is too much in this bedroom and Brad refuses to turn the goddamn heat down.

The first chunk of the day, once I got up, was okay. Alyssa spent over an hour in the bathroom (no, I am not exaggerating) just showering, thankfully I got to pee first, heh. I sat around and played The Last of Us while Mat and Brady watched, but they got annoying way too fucking fast. I ended up turning it off so that they would leave me alone.

Dog peed on my floor because people were firing guns nearby and she was too scared. Brad got pissy because I was bitching that Alyssa was in the bathroom again and had been for 20 minutes and I needed my febreeze for my room so it wouldn't smell like dog piss. Naturally he threw a fit.

Dinner went fine. Food was good. Helped dad clean up after, which I didn't want to do, but I wasn't going to leave him alone. He's always always been the one to clean up after dinner because he doesn't cook and he wants to. We even talked about fleshlights at the table, haha.

Mom and Brad ended up fighting while me and dad were cleaning. Like, really fighting. Not physical, but they were yelling at each other like they did the night Brad hit me and Mat when we tried to pull him off mom. Fighting in general makes me anxious, and I tend to be a bit sensitive to tense moments anyway, and I'm medicated for it and everything, so.

Brad left with Alyssa to take her to her mom's house. Mom broke down--she had over a full bottle of wine to herself, by the way--and ended up crying a river between my boobs. Not my favorite thing to begin with. Then she started puking, and wanted me to hold her hair back and comfort her through it.

I mean, I felt bad, because she's not that bad, really. Brad is the one who's bad. He's a total hypocrite, totally two-faced, and the double standards are driving me nuts. I can't imagine how it's making her feel. He even goes so far as to threaten her with suicide, apparently.

So, I even had to help her undress because she was so shit-faced she couldn't get her pants off. She threw up until she felt better, almost needed help brushing her teeth.

This isn't the first time this has happened, and I feel like... I don't know. It really sucks. I really wanted to enjoy tonight. I really love Thanksgiving, but frankly, I'm not very thankful for much today.

And on top of that, Black Friday is one big fat reminder that I'm absolutely fucking broke, totally poor, and have no way to get anyone anything for Christmas, as badly as I want to, because I can't seem to get a fucking job. Not even Walmart will hire me. What do I do when the worse employer in town won't have me?

Oh. And someone stole the fucking chocolate pie, which I'm craving like a motherfucker because my period started today. I'm cramping up a storm with no pamprin and the Ibuprofen I took didn't even touch it.

I can't leave and go stay with someone in case mom needs me.

So, uh. Fuck today. 

[arianacherise]

you know those days when you feel really sad and lonely no matter how many people are around and you don't even know why? yeah i'm having one of those days

[cagedbirds]

i've been happier since i've been at home

(happier, not happy)

and i know exactly why

because i'm on my own and I work best on my own, i'm not good with people. even people I love and enjoy being around, when i'm forced into a close environment with too many people for too long I

i don't know

i'm constantly reminded of how much i suck and how stupid and useless and ugly and hopeless and pathetic and forgettable i am

when i'm alone it's fine because i don't care

but then next week i go back

and i don't think i can take it

[flowersforvax]

I wish I wouldn't feel as much as empathy as I do when I see how much my mother's leg hurts. I wish I wouldn't feel as much pity

I wish I wouldn't feel as much scared helplessness when I see how high her blood pressure is, or how she has trouble eating because her stomach hurts.

I wish I wouldn't feel so guilty for not helping out in her and my uncle's shop, now that I quit school and basically not do anything because I have no idea what to do with my life.

Because, you know, if I didn't feel any of that it wouldn't hurt so much when she accuses me of not feeling any sympathy with her or not having any empathy for her, basically, being a sociopath with no feelings, except she probably doesn't even no what the word sociopath means.

Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so badly when she tells me  that I'm not worth anything and that I am never going to be, or that she wished she never had born me.

Maybe then I would stop believing her.

I just wish that, whenever she's so angry at me for not doing anything at the shop or at home and comes at me with a raised hand, I wouldn't cower down as if I was still the helpless seven year old in fear of the wooden spoon and in even greater fear that she would accidentally grab a knife without noticing. I wish I wouldn't feel as helpless now that I am 18, now that I am taller than her, wish I could at least stop her from grabbing my throat or had hit her when she did that instead of thinking "Do something, hit her, scratch her, something!" but only weakly raising my own hands to hers without any strength.

I want to be better. To help her. To do all my chores without her screaming at me before I actually do it. To help her in her shop so that it's not as messy and crowded anymore. I know that it would be easier to do that. I know that. But I just.. I can't. And I can't even pin down why that is.

Part of me thinks that it wouldn't change a thing though.'If I  could give you the world on a silver platter, would it even matter? You'd still be mad at me' 

Another part of me thinks... why?

Why do I have to work so you don't scream at me? Why do I have to work so you don't hit me? Why do I have to work so you love me?

I feel guilty for those thoughts

Other people have way harder lives. (But there are people who have parents who love them no matter what) 

My mother was raised that way. It's not her fault. (Why couldn't she overcome hoe she grew up? My uncle did. My uncle did. My cousin knows he's loved. He knows that. He never had to work in the shop. Never.) 

She is ill. She has pain. Why don't I make it easier on her? (Does she have to tell me at every chance she gets that her heart problems are my fault? Does she have to tell me that she's probably going to die even though she never went to the doctor and right now the doctor didn't say anything to that expense? Does she have to tell me that it's my fault when she dies? Does she have the right to tell me that when she dies I'm not supposed to attend the funeral? Never visit her grave?)

I wish I could hate her. Or could not feel anything. Not feel so much.

Not feeling would make everything so much easier.

[snaaaaaaaaaake]

reddit??? is not letting me post???

[snaaaaaaaaaake]

urghh.

considering making a carrd instead of a pinned bc its easier to format. vs my unreasonable hatred of carrds

[snaaaaaaaaaake]

redoing my layout and hopefully ill keep this one for more than a month 🫠

[snaaaaaaaaaake]

why can't i find one of the five villagers i want but i can get fucking cephalobot twice in a row 😭

[vintagentleman]

oh, i forgot to mention (U u U). I got accepted in pedagogic studies \o/