#(for my future reference when I inevitably forget how to do this lol)

[damerondala]

🍒Soooo how’ve you been? Me? Oh i’m just thinking mushy thots about my blorbos. Like waking up to lazy kisses, gently swaying together in the kitchen or on the porch, cuddles starting to turn frisky but then dying back down into cuddles because you both realize you’re too tired and it’s still enough to just lay together… 🥲 I always picture Crosshair in these daydreams because i think it’s such a nice juxtaposition to his usual cold demeanor and i’m a sucker for that sorta thing lol. But i’m sure you’ve got Wrecker on your mind ;) 🍒

CHERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have had this draft unfinished since like fucking august oh my god i missed you dude i hope you're still around to see this <3 love ya hope you enjoy a soft but also a lil steamy hehe kitchen moment with cross

~

The sweltering day turned to dusk quickly, your quaint kitchen being the only place that gave you the space to breathe after a long, tiresome work day. After kicking off your shoes and plopping your belongings on your cushy armchair next to the window (a safe haven from the cruel world most days), you found yourself barefooted on the tile you had spent days convincing Cross to buy and help install for you, thinking about what to cook you two for dinner.

After gathering your ingredients, you set off to work. Unwillingly, your mind continued to reminisce on your stressful day: your manager blaming you for their mistakes, customers being impatient and rude, meetings upon meetings to sit through...

Your hands trembled as the unpleasant incidents took refuge in your mind, playing over and over, your self-esteem and pride being wounded. The weight of the world was on your shoulders and you could really feel it tonight, about to call it quits, toss everything out and put that take-out coupon to good use when you felt yet another weight resting on your shoulders. This one not nearly as unpleasant as the rest.

You melted into his chest, back pressing against him as he wrapped you up in his arms and squeezed gently. He could tell the second he walked in the door you were having what you would always refer to as "an off day", the air was never quite as thick when you were having a good day. Music usually playing while you practically pranced through the kitchen subconsciously. It was never an act, he noticed that it was just how you are. He was always quite the observer.

"What do you need?" You sighed at that. Pushing away just enough to turn around to face him, then melting back into his embrace against the counter. Always looking so handsome, that one. You wanted to just forget about the day you had and make some private memories that could help you out on your future inevitable bad days, so you grabbed his face and pulled him in to catch a kiss. He went along with it, of course, hands slowly sliding down your hips until he almost had a palmful of your soft flesh, but he stopped before it could go any farther.

"Do you really want to or are you just trying to create a distraction?"

Dammit, Cross. You felt the urge to cry, terrible, uncomfortable heat pooling at the back of your eyes and your mouth formed into a frown, the tears finally coming. You cried and wailed until everything was out, and Crosshair was right there with you the whole time against that kitchen counter. The half-chopped vegetables forgotten as you found solace in your lover's embrace. He was always there, always your sturdy rock in a world of uncertainty and hurt. Once your cries subsided to sniffles, he guided you to the couch and laid down with you, rubbing your back and occasionally pressing quick, soft pecks to the top of your head, or really wherever he could reach. Your eyes were puffy and you knew your tear-stained cheeks were far from alluring, but that didn't stop Crosshair from planting a kiss to your lips and lingering close enough so you could hear him whisper, "I love you. Tomorrow will be better."

~

tags! check out my masterlist to fill out my tag form and if your name isn't underlined i couldn't find ya :(

@djarrex @pastelpanda19 @milfplo-koon @sageislostinspring @s1st3r @shiny-mando @tacticalsparkles @meabravo @masterjedilenaaa @808tsuika @anthrogothic @kitty-the-outlaw @clonecyare @zinzinina @misogirl88 @dins-cyare

[echoes-of-realities]

Hi :) could you tell me how you did the glitching effect in the catradora fanart???

Putting this under a read more since I figured screenshots were the easiest way to explain and now it’s a Long Post lol!

I recovered an old copy of this to demonstrate so the glitch effect won’t turn out exactly the same as it looks in the original art. Also I use clip studio paint, but I’m sure you can do something very similar on other programs! And sorry that the screenshot quality is absolutely abysmal on desktop—I tried to crop them so that you can at least see the important parts lol

//

First combine all your layers that you want to do the glitch effect on into one layer. Then duplicate the layer 3 times so you have 4 layers

Next, select the very top layer and go under edit > tonal correction > level correction

This will pull up the level correction menu. Select red from the drop down menu and then take the circled arrow and drag it all the way to the left and hit OK

Now your selected layer will look like this:

Next select the layer directly below the top (now blue-green) layer I just hid the blue-green layer so you’ll be able see the layer that we’re working on lol

Go to edit > tonal correction > level correction again. This time select green from the drop down menu and then take the circled arrow and drag it all the way to the left again and hit OK

Now the layer sorry that tumblr completely ate the quality of this one will look like this: 

Next select the layer directly below the (now red-ish) layer you were just working on. Again I just hid the layer above so you can see what I’m doing lmao 

Alpha lock this layer, then take a black brush and color the whole layer black

Now take the top blue-green layer and change it from normal to screen. Do the same to the red-ish layer right below it

It will now look like this:

Now take the top blue-green layer and select the whole layer and then transform it (or just hit command + t like I do lol). Adjust it to the left or right, and then do the same in the opposite direction with the red-ish layer below. Play around with them until you get the effect you like!! Adjusting it too much can make cause a little eye strain though so be careful, unless that’s the effect you’re going for lol 

Once you’re happy with how it looks, combine all four layers together. Then select your rectangle selection tool and set it to “select additionally” under the tool options. Now make as many or as few randomly sized boxes as you want. These are where the glitchy effect itself will go so go crazy lol

Now go under filter > transform > wave shape

This brings up the wave shape menu where you can make the glitch effect itself. I like the way the rectangular wave looks the best for glitches, but you can use any of them really. Then just play around with all of the values until you get something that you like!!

Make sure you keep everything selected, and then go under filter > effect > mosaic

Adjust the block size until you're satisfied with it (personally I prefer to stay within the 1.00-2.50 range, otherwise it starts to look less like a glitch effect and more like just plain mosaic effect)

And ta da, you’ve got a glitch effect!!

[writing-in-april]

Converging Parallels

Spencer Reid x Female Single Mom Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer goes to a support group Penelope suggested after the death of Maeve. He quickly connects with a single mom who’s experiences have been similar to Spencer’s.

A/N: I’m prefacing this by saying I know shit about math and am horrible at it lol 😂 so my math analogies might be horribly off 😂 This is my fifth fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April- this one was requested by @samuel-de-champagne-problems- this is the request- (go check out there fics too!!) I tweaked it a little bit so I hope you enjoy it 🥺 a lot of it is confined to Spencer grappling with his thoughts- but there is dialogue I promise lol 😂I had a good time writing it ☺️Thanks for all the love recently and if you want to drop me an ask for any reason you can do so here- I’m always looking for some new friends on here (I promise I don’t bite lol) Thanks again and hope y’all enjoy 🥰

Warnings: Angst with a hopeful ending, General dealings surrounding death and grief, Mentions of Maeve’s death, Reader’s a widow, Guilt about moving on, Reader’s child is a daughter

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.6k

Parallel lines were never supposed to meet, they were set on a strict path following in a similar direction with no hope of ever converging. At least that’s what was the widely accepted definition by anyone with any authority in the field of mathematics.

My own math degree was being contested by a set of two lines set on a collision course with each other, though they were not supposed to. Logically I knew that the two lines were not beholden to any mathematical equation as I was referring to two human lives.

We were set on a similar course, only slight differences that seemingly were leading us to different destinations, or at least I tried to convince myself that. I tried every night to convince myself that she was only a friend, that it wasn’t what she wanted and I was desecrating the memory of the person I still claimed to be the only person I loved.

Logically I knew that by forcing where I wanted our relationship to go, what I thought the universe wanted to happen wasn’t what I truly wanted. The reason I had boxed us in so vehemently was only because I was scared and guilty, I knew it too. I wanted us to converge, but logic doesn’t always win out when dealing with guilt.

It had all started with Garcia mentioning that I should consider going to a grief support group after the death of Maeve. Every action I took was being weighed down by her death, whether I cared to admit it or not.

Garcia had good intentions when she suggested going to this meeting to me, of that I was sure. It isn’t that I saw no reason to go to the support group, I just knew that it would dreg up all the unwanted feelings that bombarded me enough already.

The flier in my hands felt heavy even though it was made of paper it weighed my hands down enough where I almost dropped it. I could have let it go then to have it fly away, being taken by the wind, that would let me forget about it. But, I knew it would have only made me forget for a short while, I’d inevitably get questions from Garcia and my own mind wouldn’t let me forget the reality of what had happened. And, logically I knew that it would most likely help. So instead of letting the wind take it away, I crumpled the paper slightly in my hands out of frustration, moving my feet forward one step at a time to enter the building.

That’s where I had first met her. When I first walked in I didn’t immediately lock eyes with her or anything, my eyes were too fixated on the ground for that to happen.

I only noticed her when she was invited to tell her story. Her strength instantly captivated me, almost making me feel like a failure at first. Her story of how she lost her husband was eerily similar in some aspects, especially the cause of his death. The feeling of failure on my part to be strong swirled in my gut as she recounted her struggles that were so starkly similar to mine. She even had a young daughter to take care of as well, she often spoke of her whenever she told her story, almost neglecting herself sometimes- which she admitted she knew she needed to work on.

However, when she came up to me to talk after the meeting was concluded my opinion switched to view her as inspiring. We began getting coffee after each meeting, sometimes talking for hours, sometimes sitting in silence. Whatever I needed she was there to give it to me, whenever she needed help I wanted to be there too.

To see our almost parallel lives begin to converge at first felt like someone had driven a car into traffic about to collide straight into my path. My mind would not stop arguing about whether or not I should pull away from her or not, like guilt was on shoulder and my potential happiness was on the other.

—-

Guilt was eating away at me from the inside out slowly, that part of my mind would not stop clawing away any good aspect of my relationship with Y/N. The relationship between us had shifted in recent weeks, tension invading what had once been a simply platonic connection formed through our shared experiences. When it became clear to me what our lingering stares and touches were leading to, guilt had reared its ugly head to burrow its way down deep and take root.

It had disrupted my sleep even more than usual, nightmares ranging from Maeve guilting me to the visuals of her death. The images of Maeve and any time I had shared with her invaded my brain at all hours of the night, haunting me. I scrunched my eyes up tight, maybe that would banish the images from my brain. That only made the guilt worse it seemed as I now felt double the guilt for wanting to banish the thoughts about a person I still claimed to love.

My hand hit the pillow in frustration, then grabbing it and throwing it to some unknown location across the room. Sitting up, no longer being able to tolerate laying down knowing that sleep would never come, made my exhausted joints beg me to lay back down. I leaned forward to put my head in my hands, also tangling my curls with my fingers. I tried to think about what Y/N had said to me at one of the first meetings I had attended, my normally impeccable memory struggled as the memory of Maeve’s bloodied face would not leave. Screaming internally was the only thing that seemed to work to push the words I was looking for forward,

“I try to think about something my therapist told me- Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.”

The quote wasn’t something groundbreaking or new, though the origins were unknown. But, the words still struck me deep everytime I forced my memory to call back on them.

The words she had spoken in the meeting when talking about her husband made me want to try too. She inspired me whenever she told snippets of her story to me or the rest of the group, her story had been similar to mine- with the added element of having a daughter to raise on her own.

Her strength was what had drawn me to her initially, like a moth to flame. Our relationship wasn’t even a friendship at first, just two people sharing advice (more her giving it to me) about how to deal with crippling grief.

What had blossomed since then from death and decay had thrown me for a loop. I hadn’t been expecting for this to happen, I never even thought romance would be an option for me again. I thought that I would have one great love and that our time in the sun had ended along with any option for romantic interests in the future.

Then she came along and spun my thinking upside down, not that I blamed her at all for it. She originally had just reached out to help me, not to pursue any romantic connection purposefully while I was vulnerable.

She continued to stay with me to help despite my urge to push her away even though that’s not what I wanted. I tried hard to convince myself that our lives were never meant to connect, that we were destined to remain apart.

It took many more sleepless nights for me to realize what I hadn’t seen for so long, even with Y/N reassuring me at every turn. Maeve would want me to be happy, I was sure of it. So I’d try to let myself, no longer letting myself get hindered by my own swirling thoughts of guilt that Maeve wouldn’t have wanted me to feel.

—-

Asking her out on a date had been surprisingly easy once I had let go a little of my guilt. We had chosen to go somewhere different than a coffee shop, since we already did that often. I took her out to more of an upscale restaurant than she was used to, which may be too fancy for some for a first date, but she deserved it. She worked so hard to take care of her daughter and even me to some extent.

At the end of the night we were both standing outside her door ready to go in to relieve the babysitter for the night. I had already given her a chaste kiss for the night, even though my nerves kept trying to talk me out of it. I was about to say goodbye when she grabbed my wrist to hold in her hands. She looked afraid at first, almost like she wondered if I wouldn’t like her touching me. Touch may bother me with most people, but she wasn’t most people, I’d happily share germs with her. When I did not pull away relief was evident in her eyes, then taking a big breath before speaking,

“Would you like to meet my daughter?” Her voice was shaky, understandably full of worry.

“Of course.” In the past hesitation would have littered my voice if she had asked me the same question. But, my thoughts had been slowly shifting to want our lines to converge fully and with no fear. Sure, Maeve would always capture a place in my heart, but I was ready for our lives to collide. Our parallel lives converged into one line, with a set path forward. It may get derailed from its intended path, but we would be stronger together than apart.

Ask me anything

—-

Tag lists (message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg @takeyourleap-of-faith (damn tumblr just let me tag them)

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey

[akirameta84]

thinking about it, was there anything stopping kusuo from re-petrifying akechi over and over until he figured things out?

sorry for spelling mistakes haha. if its not major I'm too lazy to reread and catch em all(™)

it never says he has a limit on this ability like that, so if he had been extremely determined to not let akechi find out, he could've kept trying different future outcomes over and over

but would a person petrified experience hunger and thirst while in that state? if so, this would only be possible a day or two without serious negative effects. but from what we've seen, im fairly certain everything about the individual is frozen like that, so I doubt so

of course there was people and noticing akechi's disappearance, and akechi himself nothing the missed time. but if he got the timeline right, then akechi would've never been even entered the room in this instance, as seen by the failed timeline where hes closer with his friends group. thus its a moot point, and making the idea of keeping him frozen longer plausible

considering how the other two espers came to know about his powers, it really makes you wonder why he gave in so easily. kusuo had almost told aiura because he believed its be inevitable, but when he realized his aura was too large to be seen up close, he forfeited, only having to confess in order to save chiyo's life.

toritsuka had found out completely on his own, and by the time he approached saiki, there would have been too many memories to erase them all with his memory alteration, as its stated he can do a minute at a time.

and, interestingly, in the manga there's a whole day between saiki receiving toritsukas letter and him arriving, while in the anime its the same day. saiki is even able to complete his psychometry on the letter. it actually makes more sense in the anime, though, as surely he'd have noticed his glove was missing before a whole day had passed?

anyways, point stands that family is the only people kusuo has completely willingly told about his powers were family members. and yet he gave in so easily to akechi.

something that's striking me as odd is when akechi revealed himself to be someone from kusuo's past, and someone who suspected him of having powers...he did nothing.

as seen on aren's first day, he could've easily had akechi transfer out or just make him stop attending.

sure it might've been suspicious, but a combo of forcing him to transfer out and some memory alteration making him forget kusuo was at PK, that he attended PK, or that he was transferred out strangely, any may have possibly worked.

or better yet, petrify and perform the time leap stunts much earlier, before akechi had such concrete evidence. akechi likely would've responded readily to an invitation over to kusuo's house, and he could've attempted to deal with the problem then.

sure its possible he didn't think about that, but with how covered everyone of kusuo's bases have been throughout the series, I heavily heavily doubt it. and besides, I think there's more to it.

one thing kusuo mentions being happy to have fixed at the end of akechi's time travel arc is erasing the fact his younger self told akechi about his powers.

he regrets this truly as a teenager, but his younger self was a lot more complacent about telling him, up until akechi spilled the secret himself in order to hope for kusuo's protection, but even kusuo acknowledges its normal for people to reach out to those who they know can help

he smiles like this after his confused face fades, and tells akechi about his powers. his younger self didn't have much of a reason to keep his powers from someone he viewed as a friend, and even showed MUCH less emotional repression imo.

but there was one striking reason.

look at how the smile on his face fades each time he recalls what his mother said. he actively wanted to show them his powers, not just akechi either.

his older self acknowledges that akechi felt like a friend to him, which is kusuo speak for he felt they were pretty close friends, considering that the main cast is still mostly classmate or aquintence level at the end of the series according to him.

considering how easily kusuo gives in to telling akechi after his admittedly extensive process trying to prevent this outcome...I'd say, honestly, kusuo still feels the same way about akechi.

he certainly tolerates akechi referring to him by his first name, and even though aiura does as well, im not convinced she'd listen if he even told her off. (tbh, his whole friend group has issues with listening to him, and his mom forcing him on outings isn't helping. but thats a rant for another time)

the day akechi invites himself over, its done merely to hang out, and kusuo is slightly surprised by this.

of course, even akechi has to cheat his way into staying, but kusuo is like that to everyone.

kusuo isn't used to people coming over just to hang out, as whenever the rest of his friends bug him, they need something most of the time. and when the two of them get into betting on the horse races over cake, as frustrated as kusuo gets, id say he enjoys himself. one of the last panels says as much

I hit the image limit, but near the end of chapter 266 his eyes have the sparkle effect they do when he's actually feeling emotions. its so sweet. and during the end of the showdown arc, kusuo repeats to kuusuke the the same phrase akechi said to him after taking the power remover. "I can still be your playmate"

overall, coupled with how easily kusuo gave in to telling about his powers, without even a single death threat to keep akechi silent...yeah, he definitely thinks of akechi as a good, maybe even close friend. even if he doesn't believe or admit it to himself, its true.

thank you for reading i got this in my mind after rewatching the time travel arc, hence the random anime images instead of panels which I can grab more easily as examples lol

[jcisthebestfightme]

BJYX Song #2: Nan Hai (Boy)

BJYX Song Series List

Okay dd, I promised I will write Nan Hai for you so here we go.

Disclaimer: My own thoughts only. I overthink. Don’t take this seriously.

This song is so complicated to analyze because dd changed the lyrics multiple times. I initially didn’t believe in the lyrics changing thing but I went back to watch the videos carefully and if you look at his mouth’s shape, the lyrics are definitely changed. And “ending CAN be changed” is super clear, which mean it’s not completely delusional to think he changed “thinking of you” to “meeting you”.

I think I will start with the original lyrics but also talk about why he changed the lyrics at where he did. 

曾经意外 他和他 相爱 (Once upon a time, by accident, he fell in love with her/him)

在不会 犹豫的时代 (In a time where people to do hesitate [to fall in love])

To me, the “accident” refers to love at first sight. We know that dd claims to fall in love at first sight and many clues (similar WB post, asking for wechat, handgun etc.) points to dd at least being attracted to gg at first sight. I think for “Nan hai” to fit, we must subscribe to the 2017 meeting love at first sight theory. The reason being dd singing this song first on 3/30/2018, which is 2 days after knowing he will play LWJ but before he got to know gg personally. It’s also possible he already likes this song and then later realize it fits gg and gave it to him. But then that means he’s thinking of someone else when he loves this song so much. And then he gave this song to gg? Wouldn’t he betraying that other person when he willing, unprompted gave the song to gg? This is why I stand the 2017 love at first sight. 

The “accident” can also be referring to falling in love or being attracted with a guy. It’s definitely not very conventional and for dd who was only 19 when meeting gg, it must’ve been a surprise. This theme also carries on to the next line, “in a time where people don’t hesitate”. I think this also points to homosexuality in this context because it’s talking about a time where people are more open. The original lyrics probably just refers to people being more open to dating in modern times. 

以为明白 (I thought I understood)

所以爱得痛快 (So I loved very straightforwardly)

一双手 紧紧放不开 (A pair of hands, unwilling to let go)

I’m under the assumption that gg and dd did not actually stay in contact after meeting in 2017. The reason being that if adding the WeChat is true, then it’s also true they said in an interview that they already added WeChat and never talked. If they did talk, they would try to hide this fact and not mention the already being friends on WeChat at all. With that in mind, I think this part of the lyrics that original is describing a past relationship that he can’t let go of doesn’t fit our story in March 2018. We can only say that dd may be referring to his naiveness and that he “thought he understood” love so he’s more straightforward about his love. “A pair of hands unwilling to let go” may be about how he’s not willing to let go of gg, thus being persistent.

In summer 2019 when dd mentions this song again, dd may be talking about his initial bluntness when approaching gg. We can see in the bts how obvious he is about his adoration. But over time, he probably learned that love is more than just telling the other person. Because of their status and environment, they often have to hide their love so it can no longer be as straightforward so it was in the beginning. But even then, he’s still unwilling to let go of gg. 

心中的 执着与未来 (The persistence and future in my heart)

In March 2018, the “persistence” matches with dd’s persistence to try to get close to gg. He was persistent about getting the role of LWJ, putting in his picture twice and then auditioning in person. The “future” refers to the unknown that will come with filming CQL. In summer 2019, the “persistence” is his willingness to keep fighting for their relationship even though it’s hard. The “future” at this point has more longevity and is about them spending their life together.

忘不了 你的爱 (I can’t forget your love)

但结局难更改 (But the ending cannot be changed)

The original lyrics here is the singer who already broke up with his lover and is reminiscing about their love. He’s sad that he cannot change their ending. In March 2018, dd is probably referring to not being about to forget gg even though they only met briefly. When he sang this song on 3/30/18, he changed “cannot” to “can”. He knew that he will be playing LWJ already so he’s changing his own ending by pursuing this role. Not surprise our little lion cub has decided to take destiny into his own hands and change a tragic ending into a happy one.

In ttxs recording in July, 2019, “忘不了 你的爱 (I can’t forget your love)” is the line that he purposefully wrote, and then looked at gg right afterwards. This means that this is the line that stuck out to him the most at this point in time. He’s telling gg that he will remember their love for the rest of their life. Compare this to June 2018 where when prompted to sing the song, he chose to sing the first line “曾经意外 他和他 相爱 (Once upon a time, by accident, he fell in love with her/him)”. At that point, their love is just the beginning of the story and it’s more just dd falling for gg. Now in 2019, their relationship has developed into not being able to forget each other. 

我没能把你留下来 (I couldn’t make you stay)

更不像他 能给你一个 期待的未来 (Unlike him/her, who could give you a expected future)

那幼稚的男孩 (That childish boy)

The original meaning of going through a breakup doesn’t fit again. But I think the second line refers to homosexuality. Dd feels like he can’t give gg an “expected future” because of their gender. Here, I think he’s coming himself to a girl, any girl, that can give gg what others may call a “complete, happy family.” 

He can also be insecure about his age. Since he’s much younger, he’s not sure what kind of future he can give gg. The “childish boy” refers to himself. Dd has always been insecure about his age compare to gg, evident whenever gg calls him a “kid”. (Fun fact: “That boy with a mole” is a homophone here so people joke he’s actually referring to gg.)

你的关怀一直随身携带 (Your caring, I bring it with me everywhere)

无人的地方再打开 (I open it [the caring] only when no one is already)

Here, I think it’s amazing that dd may not have known gg well at that point but can already tell he’s a very caring person. And in my own opinion, I think gg’s meticulous care for dd is what makes dd falls hard for him. 

想问你现在 (I want to ask if right now)

是否忧伤不再 (you are no longer sad)

像躺在阳光下的海 (Just like the ocean under the sun)

像用心涂抹的色彩 (like colors painted with love)

让你微笑起来 勇敢起来 (Let you smile again, brave again)

Here, there are coincidental reference to gg: painted colors because is an artist and smile because gg has a beautiful smile.

On dd’s birthday in 2019, gg was in Abu Dhabi and he posted an image of the ocean on instagram. The photo was time stamp at 17:52, which is 1:52pm in Abu Dhabi. If you on QQ, the time at “1:52” of “Nan Hai” is the “just like ocean under the song”. I can just imagine gg, looking at the ocean on dd’s birthday, thinking of him, thinking of his favorite song and taking a photo of it and sharing it. It’s definitely something I would do but would be too afraid no one will understand. And gg is known to do this, as pointed out by his solo fans. He timestamp a song lyrics from the album Kepler for his fans (see Analysis of Blue Sky White Cloud.)

想你就现在 (Thinking of you now)

想你 每当我又徘徊 (Thinking of you whenever I waver/wonder)

This is the part dd changed from “thinking” to “meeting” when he sang this song (4/2), the day before meeting gg for the first time on set (4/3). This is like fate has given him a second chance of meeting. To me, the way he sang this part is full of gratitude and unwillingness to let go of this love again. 

所有遗憾的 都不是未来 (All regrets are in the past, they are not conducive for our future)

所有爱最后都难免 逃不过伤害 (All love will have some inevitable pain)

不必再重来 (It doesn’t need to be repeat)

This part gives me a lot of hope. The original lyrics is trying to use this part to let go of this past relationship and move on. However, I think to dd, it means that they have a bright future ahead of them that he’s not willing to let go. In 2019, it can mean that whatever pain/misunderstanding they may have in the past year, they will move on to the future together. What is interesting is that the third line doesn’t specify “they.” Is it the “pain” that cannot be avoided or the “love” that they shared that should not be repeated? I think the original song’s meaning is the past love but for ggdd, it’s the any pain in their journey. 

现在我只希望疼痛来得更痛快 (Right now I just want the pain to come faster)

反正不能够重来 (Since [this love] cannot be redone)

In the original song, this ending implies that the singer has decided to wrap up this relationship with a nice bow and let go of it completely since he has determined they will not get together. What about ggdd? Their love hasn’t/can’t/won’t end, right? So what did dd do when he sang this song in April, 2018? He didn’t sing these two lines at all! He left the recording right before when this will come up in the song. He basically sang the whole song (the beginning was cut off but it seems like he was singing before the clip started) but left right before the very end. Why? Is it because he knows this love is not going to be in the past? Is it because he’s unwilling to ever let go of it?

You can argue that maybe he stop singing because he forgot the lyrics or that his throat was hurting (you can see him cough afterwards.) However, he was already lip-syncing some parts towards the end of the bridge. He could’ve continue to do so until the song ends, which is what people would logically do since it’s almost over. Probably my own delusional thinking again LOL

This is probably the most complicated analysis I’ve ever done since dd sang it during multiple time points and he changed the lyrics. But after writing this, I believe in their love even more, especially if you think about when and why he chose to sing certain parts and leave out others. Overall, I think this song is dd feeling insecure about his age and gender to be able to give gg a stable future. There’s definitely pain in this song but also a lot of love. Dd, you are the most passionate “nan hai” and will be loved by the passionate “nan hai.”

[jerepars]

Throwing Copper Extended Chapter Notes

1 / 5 Reinventing Your Exit

Hyperlinks appear in blue (underlined on mobile). The story is posted here.

Teresa could see the stress James carried in his jaw and the dark circles under his eyes. She recognized it because she’d seen it in herself before, the restlessness and slight delirium, when she wasn’t sleeping.

The first sentence is an ode to the opening lyrics of Remo Drive’s “I’m My Own Doctor”: I’ve been self-diagnosing all of my problems, carrying all my stress in my jaw.

David Lee Autry was one of many aliases James had over the last few years but one he maintained with close attention because the so-called Autry had a credit card in his name. James hadn’t exactly had time to pack a bag when he broke out of a CIA facility to warn Teresa about impending doom. He showed up in New Orleans in a stolen car, the clothes on his back, contents of his pockets, and a bullet lodged in his chest.

David Lee Autry is the name written on James’ fake passport in 2x03 (around 20:54 in the episode); Pete from the militia group reads it.

James felt a lump in this throat. Whether it was because there was something very domestic about letting someone else do his laundry or because he worried the warning he’d come with wasn’t enough to protect Teresa every time she walked out the door, he wasn’t sure. But he swallowed his feelings down and didn’t put up an argument to her laundry suggestion. He appreciated the clothing George had lent him, but oversized tracksuits and brightly patterned button-down shirts were far from James’ aesthetic. And he absolutely refused to put on King George-branded attire, aerodynamic or not, so he’d been going commando while waiting for David Lee Autry’s online order to show up at Teresa’s PO Box.

When Teresa and James meet King George for the first time in 2x01, we get the lovely scene where he yells for someone to get Teresa a King George bikini (1:12) and later points to the speedo he’s wearing, saying “aerodynamic as shit, will make you feel alive, I trust” (1:18). And, like, who am I to not bring up aerodynamic speedos and going commando?

The doctor had come back and after patching him up, again, prescribed bed rest for the patient who seemed to be doing everything to keep aggravating his body rather than help it get better. Teresa had been furious, asking if he had a death wish after all, so he’d spent the last two days bored out of his mind in bed from inactivity, barely sleeping and reading Faulkner. Or maybe he’d barely slept because he was reading Faulkner. Either way, James knew it best to tread lightly where Teresa was concerned.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t sit in a chair at a desk though. Anything would be an improvement over laying on his back and waiting for his thoughts to float up to the ceiling.

So, listen, since they’re in Louisiana, and given their close proximity to matters of death and dying, if James is going to be reading anything at all, it just feels fitting that he’d be reading Southern literature, specifically William Faulkner. As I Lay Dying is an obvious choice, but personally I think he’d be reading The Sound and the Fury. Not that it matters.

The last sentence in the second paragraph is a reference to “Dreamspace” by Glacier Veins, and the line that goes I’m on my back so I float up to the ceiling to feel different.

Teresa had cried herself to sleep that night thinking about everything that could have gone wrong, if he hadn’t made it in time, or if he had but if it had been too late for him. It wasn’t just anyone—it was James, and he would’ve spent his last dying breath to tell her to chase safety if that was what it took.

Never did I think I’d manage to make a nod to and with my one last gasping breath I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt from “You’re So Last Summer” by Taking Back Sunday. To be here, in 2020, as an adult, and finding a way to make that reference is...strange yet somehow satisfying at the same time. Also, the chapter title is in reference to a song off the Underoath album They’re Only Chasing Safety, and it looks like I found a way to work that in as well. I don’t know why my musical inspiration for this version of Jeresa seems to come from music that peaked in the early 2000s?

There was a time when James had been her mentor to the underworld, always keeping her from sinking to the bottom, even when he’d been the one who had to make the tough calls and take the brutal actions. She didn’t think he’d ever be able to rid himself of that balancing act, of showing her the ropes but strongly advising her to untether herself from the line completely, to walk away. Teresa could still hear his voice in the back of her mind, from the night after the party at the Birdman’s when he told her in a matter-of-fact fashion why he’d sent her in: your job was to learn. Since then, and especially in his absence, it seemed there’d been only tough lessons to learn and bitter pills to swallow.

I have so much appreciation for the early dynamic between James and Teresa. The car scene in 1x05 outside the warehouse is a highlight because when Teresa gets out, all indignant, she thinks she has the last word (0:15), and James comes right back at her (0:21) to tell her how it is. He’s kind of smug about it. I love it.

And I know that there’s trouble all the time. But it’s interesting that when they get away from this dynamic (especially in S4 where it doesn’t exist, because James isn’t there), it seems that’s where the real trouble comes in.

The balance that they create is delicate.

They were so far removed from the time he’d said I’ve got a plan for a future and it doesn’t include getting killed by crossfire meant for you. But he’d chosen crossfire—sought it out, really—that was what his future devolved into. And like he’d said back then, she was trouble. More and more, Teresa had begun to wonder if there was anything the James she’d first met in Dallas wasn’t right about.

I know this scene in 1x04 is often reblogged and quoted. After watching it several times, my only question is if it’s just the lighting of the scene or did they forget to apply James’ tattoos on set that day? I can’t watch it or see gifs of it now without that bothering me.

It only took Teresa a day to get the cat to venture inside and it only took George a few minutes to declare its name: Peach. God damn, we got ourselves a grumpy cat on our hands, George had exclaimed as she sunk her claws into his flesh before escaping from his embrace like a magic trick, she’s got the same personality as Giant Peach over here. She’s little Peach.

So I guess I rolled with that bts picture of Peter from Alice’s story and wrote the cat into the story. I bet this cat makes zero appearance in S5 and at no point do any of them ever have a pet but I did it anyway. The first thought when I saw it was “Peach and Giant Peach”. Would James be a cat guy? I think he would.

George suspected there was much more to the exchange than the parting words voiced out loud, noticing there was a sense of thanks in her eyes, too. The looks Teresa and James gave each other exuded the tension between them and always made it feel at least ten degrees hotter than it actually was in any room. They had their own way of communicating that only made sense to them, that no one else was privy to. There were better odds throwing copper down a wishing well than trying to decode their language of silence.

The story title comes from “Throwing Copper” by Touché Amoré. Like throwing copper in a well. You’ll never know if wishes work only time can tell.

This is not really the part that made me decide to name the story after the song, but I was still happy to find a place for it in the narration.

“Think you might need to reinvent your exit strategy, Giant Peach,” George said with a frown, nearly in disbelief with himself over what he was about to reveal to James.

“Reinvent?”

“Reinvent. Rethink. As in don’t make one. Methinks the last thing Little Principessa needs right now is more people leaving.” George spoke without his usual puns, so James didn’t have to question if he was being serious.

As mentioned earlier, the chapter title is from a song off of They’re Only Chasing Safety, “Reinventing Your Exit”. I think this might be the biggest Underoath song there ever was? Just listening to this makes me feel 14 again. This was such a gateway to other music that I ended up loving.

Teresa’s evolving thirst for vengeance, to even the score, was foreign to James. It was part of Teresa that scared James a bit. Before he left Phoenix, he’d seen tiny red flashes of her anger, questionable decisions so far removed from when she’d stood within shooting distance on a train car and said we can do a different way, where none of us has to die. Her vision had seemed clear then; she wanted to move product without the same bloodshed as Camila. When James worked for Teresa, he’d never wanted her to lose herself in the business, and never thought she should stay in the business—those were things she’d said she never wanted, too. But being at the top in the business, like she was, it changed people. It was inevitable. It pulled them down into the fire until there was nothing left but scorched earth.

I get the sense that we are never ever getting this kind of James in canon, who is not totally cool with the part of Teresa that she shuts off in order to be queen. I think we probably get another yes man. And for canon, for the sake of Teresa being the queen, I get it. That’s fine. But, in any fic, I always find myself trying to humanize characters and not just leave them as archetypes. The reason this story got so long, the reason there was no way I was going to get through it in 2500 words or less (lol, who am I kidding, I can’t write anything of that length), is because I realized this is the James I want to explore. I want to see him push back at Teresa and not just let go, not just get shut down. Because Teresa is far from perfect and she doesn’t always make the right decisions (tbh, I think she makes a lot of dumb decisions). It’s a delicate balance between the two of them that gives the best outcome.

James’ thoughts in this first chapter are the setup for the exploration of the Jeresa dynamic in the next two chapters.

James used to see a blinding light when he looked right into Teresa’s eyes, a moral compass of sorts, always willing him to choose the humanity he’d buried so deep. But now it was light mixed with dark, integrated too well to be separated. Now looking into her eyes was like staring at a flickering light, not sure if it was going to illuminate the cave or burn out.

Here is the part of “Throwing Copper” that resonated with me for this whole thing: Like staring at a flickering light, you don't know when It'll burn out, or how much time you have left to let it light up your life.

So relevant.

I don’t want to lose you. Maybe that had been a proclamation of love in her own way, and maybe that was the last honest thing Teresa had ever said to James, after she’d realized she’d been wrong to doubt him. Those words had gripped him and followed him. He’d found solace and comfort in them even after he left, because he’d wanted nothing more than to stay, but he left to protect her because of what Devon had hanging over his head.

One of the lines in Tegan and Sara’s “This is Everything” is baby, this is the last honest look I’ll ever give. But by the end of the song it turns into baby, this is the last honest love I’ll ever give.

Teresa and James so obviously love each other but they never say that out loud, right? I feel like that moment in 3x12 when she says “I don’t want to lose you” (around 23:05 of the episode) is the closest we’ve gotten thus far. There’s a silent moment before she says it, and a silent moment after, before James answers and I swear all of it is so telling. The silence. The way they look at each other. The body language. Everything. They know.

[imuybemovoko]

I die inside while dissecting Jesus music

For this fun little exercise in self-torture, I’m going to find a weird worship song and dissect it. Today I feel like saying death-cult a distressing number of times so I’m going to find one that talks about how the next world is supposed to be better for this one. 

I’m probably going to regret this. And probably cope by blasting metal while I do this. 

I’ll go with a bit of low-hanging fruit for this first one: Even So Come. It’s attributed six ways to Sunday because like seven different artists/groups have a recording of it somewhere out public, but this lyric site thingy says Chris Tomlin. Some of these songs get wildly popular to the point where even as a church guitar guy (read: very large fan of this shitty music) I tended to find it a bit confusing to tell who originally wrote them. This is an example. I think it was probably Kristian Stanfill but uh... I can never be 100% sure. I’ve been wrong about ones I was way more sure about before.

This song is repetitive as fuck, like a lot of these, because what helps indoctrinate people more than literally singing the same words for 15 minutes? 

Let’s get into this shit.

The song

I’ll spare you a few minutes of your life if you want to keep it. I already linked the lyrics, but I’ll give this a quick listen to make sure Stanfill doesn’t literally freehand some new lyrics during the video; if he does, I’ll discuss that too I suppose. The whole point of this is that I’m listening to this shit so you don’t have to. But if you really want to, then go off I guess. I can’t and honestly wouldn’t try to stop you. Unless this shit is triggering to you. In that case please don’t listen. It used to fuck me up hard when my brother would blast songs like this in the shower after I deconverted. I don’t want that happening to anyone out there. Tread with caution.

Okay. I wrote that while I was listening, and apparently he doesn’t yeet off into new spontaneous lyrics at any point. I think that’s more of a Bethel thing, but I don’t remember it being exclusive to them so I had to make sure. 

Ok, let’s do this more or less in order. I’ll take it a verse at a time. But first, let’s talk formatting. The first two verses aren’t separated by anything, and the third is after the first chorus. After the third verse they play the chorus again, then the bridge. The AZLyrics entry under Tomlin lists it twice; Stanfill plays it twice. When I was on the worship team at a church, we’d typically play the bridge four times for extra drama. After this, they end with two tricks. First is that they play the first half or so of the chorus, then a whole chorus right after it. Again, this is for extra drama. The leader of the worship team at my old church would tend to point to one part of the song as the “climax” and we’d do a fair amount of this kind of shit leading up to it. In this particular case, it’s actually most of the chorus, leaving off only the “even so come” lines. The break is at a lyrically appropriate place more often than it’s just like “haha 2 bars into the chorus” or something like that because of course the message has to be consistent.  After this, they fade the song out by repeating the last line or two, like, umpteen times to foster a contemplative mood. (It works. I’ve been on both ends of this dynamic. If you’re in a more charismatic crowd, my experience suggests that this final repetition is the most likely point where someone’s going to fall out and start speaking in tongues or something. Also, in those circles sometimes one of the vocalists, most often the team leader because of course, will give some kind of “word from God” to the congregation.) That’s the format, and it’s a very common one. At church camps and retreats and events like those, often they’ll loop choruses or bridges or ending tags or, sometimes (but far less often), verses and extend a song like this one to like fifteen or twenty minutes. In a typical church service they don’t really do it that way though because people might get impatient or something. 

On to the lyrics of this song. I’ll address the verses in order, then the chorus and bridge, then talk ordering, because doing this chronologically would get annoying as fuck. The first verse is as follows: 

All of creation All of the earth Make straight a highway A path for the Lord Jesus is coming soon

Notice the equivocation in the first two lines here. The author most likely believes this is an accurate thing to equivocate, and so do most of their audience. 

The next two lines are a similar repetition, using both modern and more Biblically-flavored language, in reference to Mark 1:3. The particular language used is not altogether different from most English translations. These lines, both in the sense that the author intends and in their function in the song, are meant to prepare the listener for what follows:  “Jesus is coming soon.” A reminder of the inevitable apocalypse most Christian sects teach and, in their view, the second chronologically of two most important events in the entire history and future of the world (the first being the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ). Every verse of the song ends with this reminder. 

To boil the message of this verse down into one word:

(I have entirely too much fun with this image lol)

The second verse:

Call back the sinner Wake up the saint Let every nation Shout of Your fame Jesus is coming soon

“Call back the sinner” implies a return to origins and contains an implicit reference to the prodigal son in the parable in Luke 15. The implication is that being a “sinner” (and I’ll discuss the dichotomy in a second here) is a life of running away from God either by ignorance or by choice, and that they were originally with God. The typical narrative on the mechanisms of the fall of man seems to suggest otherwise because only Adam and Eve were technically originally with God and everyone else starts out separated because of that lovely little generational curse thingy, this is a bit of an odd take, but in light of the evangelical perspective that not only a god, but their god is so self evident that people have to make the active choice to not believe, this makes an entire hell of a lot of sense, and “calling back the sinner” could entail saying “lol stop wasting your energy running from what you know.” 

The next line engages in a bit of common guilt-tripping. Saying “wake up the saint” implies that believers and churches have fallen asleep in some sense, and that’s actually a perspective referenced in the letters to the seven churches in Revelation, each church getting a different flavor of messaging like this. When churches and saints are called to “wake up”, it means to cease engaging in whatever behavior is apparently polluting their message, i.e. forgetting the original reason they’re doing this, normalizing “worldly” practices, bad leadership paradigms, etc. Thus, I’m inclined to read this line as something like “you’re better than the rest of humanity; act like it.

Also of note is this dichotomy established here between “sinners” and “saints”. This is, on paper at least, the only important distinction in evangelicalism. (In practice they have a lot of shitty perspectives on women because of Paul’s writings as well as some class and/or racial biases, unconscious or conscious depending on the particular congregation.) A “saint” is a “true” Christian, one who is “set apart” from the world by God. A “sinner” is literally anyone else. In addition to their entire laundry list of harmless actions that are considered sins, Evangelicals (and probably many other Christians honestly) will say that to be non-Christian is a sin. In my old church and its affiliates I often heard that to remain non-Christian for an entire lifetime is the only unforgivable sin, identifying it with the “blasphemy of the Holy Spirit” referenced in Matthew 12:31. There are a wide variety of perspectives on what this “blasphemy of the Holy Spirit” actually means, and I can really only confidently speak to Calvary Chapel’s perspective on that. In any case, this song makes use of the “sinner vs saint” dichotomy common in Christianity. I analyze it as a typical “us vs them” with an added twist that says “the ‘them’ can become us and that’s better”. 

After this is a reference to the passages in the Bible that speak of the Gospel being spread to “every nation” and things such as that, and that every nation will come under Christ’s lordship at the end of time. Then there’s a reminder that the singer is awaiting this apparently fast-approaching end. 

The third verse:

There will be justice All will be new Your name forever Faithful and true Jesus is coming soon

This third verse is mostly a reference to events predicted to occur after the second coming of Christ. In Revelation, among other places, there is a described sequence of events in which the world comes absolutely fucking unglued, falls under the thumb of a tyrannical world government run by some guy who lets himself get possessed by Satan, and then is yeeted by God and soaked in the blood of Satan’s armies at the final battle. A bit later, for some reason Satan has to be let go for a bit, but he loses hard once again. After this, God yeets the unbelievers into hellfire and makes a new world which he rules forever. In short, the collapse, battles, and Great Divine Yeet are what this “justice” describes. The remaining lines speak of this renewed world run by Jesus himself. Lastly, we have the reminder that this is all going to happen before very long here. 

There’s a bit of a double-reference thing going on here and in the second verse too, and I’m honestly not entirely sure what to make of it, but it shows up often in contemporary Christian music. They’ll switch between referring to God in second person (Your name forever) and in third person (Jesus is coming soon). It seems ...most likely to be a matter of convenience, and I’m rather inclined to treat it as that because the other things I think of seem either counter-productive or very, very outlandish. Like, are they alternating between addressing God and addressing the listener? Maybe, but the message of this song is so much more listener-directed that I find that thought kinda weird.

In any case, that’s the verses. 

Now let’s get to the chorus. This is repeated after the first two verses and again several times after the third, and it contains a lot of deeply cursed metaphors. I mean holy fuck. 

Like a bride Waiting for her groom We'll be a church Ready for You Every heart longing for our King We sing Even so come Lord Jesus come Even so come Lord Jesus come

So the first two little couplets here refer to a metaphor found in several places in scripture where the church is the “bride” of Christ.  This. is. CREEPY! In the old testament, the role of the wife is often analogous to that of property, so that’s deeply gross. Further, Paul says men are the head of women, i.e. have great authority over them, and women should be subservient. Jesus doesn’t honestly do a whole hell of a lot to resist this, and powerful women throughout most of the scriptures are either defined as attaining their power in “God-honoring” subservient ways like Esther or as dangerous demonic influences operating under the “spirit of Jezebel”. (”Jezebel” is literally a scriptural term for this kind of thing; one of the church letters in Revelation uses it. Many evangelicals/fundies add “spirit of” because of their borderline-animistic take on spiritual warfare. I might describe that in more detail in a later post. It’s a metaphor based on an old-testament queen who is presented as manipulative and narcissistic, taking the real power in the kingdom from her husband by manipulation and doing a great deal of damage with it.) Thus, in this context, I find the “bride” metaphors inextricable from a tyrannical, abusive relationship in which the man, or in this case Christ, is the absolute head. Biblical ideas on marriage and family life are an entire problem too, establishing what I feel very confident in describing as an abusive power dynamic. Thus, this song references a metaphor by which Christ is described as having abusive control over his people. @kristian stanfill thanks I hate it. @whoever the fuck wrote the bible thanks I hate it. The couplet in this song is describing a situation in which the church is waiting to submit to an abusive authority and it’s fucking disgusting and I hate that I used to live that way.

The next line, “every heart longing for our king”, indicates that it’s normative to strongly desire this power dynamic and expresses a probably-genuine (mine was) desire for more of Jesus on the part of the writer and the singer. So with these preconditions established, they say, “we sing, even so come, Lord Jesus, come”, repeating “even so come” and on twice for added weight. The chorus and bridge are, by the way, where this seems to get deathculty. 

Remember that in referencing the coming of Jesus, they reference ideas that this world is shitty and being dead and in heaven/having the world destroyed by God and replaced is going to be a hell of a lot better. The Bible and many churches, particularly evangelicals, will even use language like “dying to oneself” to refer to the process of laying down one’s life for the cause of Jesus. Thus, death metaphors infiltrate their literal daily living. The general attitude that’s expected for people to have in those circumstances is one of “I won’t seek death actively but I will welcome it when the time comes”, and coupled with the way the other forms of abuse broke me, this had me fantasizing about dying in third-world countries for getting too annoying about Jesus. So that’s pretty wack, I suppose. This belief system is one that puts death on a very disturbing pedestal. This entire song is about preparing for the return of Jesus, which is going to bring a hell of a lot of death if it happens as they predict. This very deadly event is what “Jesus is coming soon” entails, and it’s one of two possible interpretations that I can think of to apply to these “even so come lord Jesus come” lines. The other is that they believe that Jesus is present with them when they worship (Matthew 18:20) and they seek to experience this presence. But the preparatory nature of this song, in my experience at least, puts very strong priority on the first sense, even though it can be, and in church settings often functions as, both. These lines are a plea for personal transformation and for the apocalypse. In the vanishingly unlikely event that the Christian version of the divine turns out to be true, billions will die in wars and disasters (some actively caused by God’s agents) and many of those same billions and many more people, including me, will be victims of the Great Cosmic Yeet and land in hellfire forever. And they want this to happen sooner rather than later. That’s literally the main point of this song. 

So we wait We wait for You God we wait You're coming soon

This is the bridge. It’s typically repeated kind of a lot. Like, I mean holy fuck they repeat this. It’s literally just “we’re excited for the second coming of Christ”. You know, in case someone needed a reminder that they want billions dead, even more people yeeted into hellfire, and the entire world destroyed. Evangelical and fundamentalist strains of Christianity are literally a death cult. 

So with that rant-filled analysis out of the way, let’s see if I can talk formatting without dying inside again or getting too pissed off. 

On the lyric site I linked above (and I’ll link it again so you don’t have to scroll through whatever literal mountain of text and cursed images I’ve produced) this goes verse 1, verse 2, chorus, verse 3, chorus, bridge twice, weird most-of-chorus tag, chorus, the last two lines like several times over. Thus, already we have multiple repetitions of most concepts found in this song. Also, this two verses-chorus-third verse-chorus-bridge several times-chorus twice-ending tag format is quite common in contemporary Christian music, in the studio recordings, official lyrics, and chord sheets you’ll find out there. But I cannot stress enough that this structure, especially the bridge and latter choruses but the entire structure including the verses, is extremely modular. Anything can be repeated, or repeated more times. Anything can be re-inserted in another place. This is mostly a Bethel thing in my experience, but there can be instrumental breaks for one of the vocalists to yeet out entirely spontaneous lyrics. There can be massive empty instrumental breaks, or instrumental breaks with spoken words in them. And I’ve seen even less of that, but parts of other songs can be inserted just about anywhere too, and I’ve actually participated in that one on occasion. To an extent, any music can be handled in ways like this, but it seems to me like contemporary Christian music is consciously designed that way because its target audience goes nuts over long, “spirit-filled” songs played at church camps or an extra spicy church service. 

It’s also worth noting, and if I end up doing a whole lot of these I’ll probably explain this in a great deal more depth, that these songs can get reasonably similar to one another. I think that’s because to a very large extent, the words and structure matter a hell of a lot less than the way they set the mood. You can get the same impact on a crowd of willing Christians from probably literally any combination of these songs. I always had my favorites but that didn’t seem to matter that much. 

I’m inclined to say some of the same things about a lot of modern music, actually. It has common structures, a lot of music is interchangeable for certain moods, etc. But I can’t say a thing about the modularity of modern music. A song seems to be way more of a distinct unit in most environments. Mashups do happen, but massive repetitions of one piece of a song generally don’t in any context that I’m aware of. They’ll jam out on an instrumental for a while at concerts sometimes, but you really don’t get this, like, singing “Crawl on your belly til the sun goes down, I’ll never wear your broken crown, I took the road and I fucked it all away, in this twilight how dare you speak of grace” more than like the twice they do it in the studio recording from most groups like you do in very many Christian music settings. (The example chorus I put here was from Mumford and Sons- Broken Crown. It’s an amazing song, I totally recommend it lol it was the first one that popped into my head for this purpose.) Some other commonalities are present in a lot of modern music, but for the most part, that modularity would just come across extremely weird. I think just about every time I’ve either seen or been involved in the playing of Even So Come at a church, the musicians engaged in at least some degree of modularity, most often by repeating the bridge but sometimes uh... holy crap. Because of the extreme prolific use of these songs in church or retreat settings, I’m inclined to list the modularity as the single most important aspect of the formatting of this song and of many others.

[dalekofchaos]

My problems with Avengers Endgame

For the most part, I like it. Could’ve been better. But here are my problems with the movie

The bad taste Thor fat jokes and mocking jokes about Thor's PTSD and depression....like really? Also nice of the Russos for throwing Thor's character arc out the window and abandoning his people....TWICE. Instead of taking responsibility and rule with Valkyrie as his equal, Thor just abandons his people just to be a Guardian....for reasons??????

Sidelining Carol. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF TEASING HER ONLY TO LEAVE HER ON THE FUCKING SIDES. NO SERIOUSLY, FUCKING WHY???  Why does Wanda get to unleash on Thanos, but Carol gets knocked around by Thanos? Fucking seriously? What kind of fucking bullshit is this. What kind of actual fucking disrespect is this horseshit?

Not making Carol and Maria married and being the representation fans wanted.  Carol’s butch lesbian look was more representation than a nameless guy saying he was seeing another guy. 

Fridging Black Widow before her fucking movie even comes out, jesus fucking christ, they really went "you're getting a Black Widow movie lol lmao bitch you thought" it’s not just that. Natasha isn’t even given respect after her passing. She isn’t given a goodbye. All she gets is the men turning into whiny pissants and Bruce tosses a bench into the lake. Natasha sacrificed her life for her family and to stop Thanos and THIS IS THE FUCKING THANKS SHE GETS??? 

Gamora is still fridged. Past Gamora is loyal to Thanos. That makes no fucking sense. Did the Russos even WATCH Guardians Of The Galaxy? Gamora in 2014 was working AGAINST Thanos. She plotted on hiding the power stone away from Thanos. Present Nebula didn’t even need to convince her, she should’ve helped Present Nebula from the beginning. There was no need for it. Even worse, Strange couldn’t just bring Gamora  from a time before she went to Vormir. Gamora couldn’t have been spared her fate. And even worse. Both Gamora and Nebula are denied the revenge of the man who has abused, manipulated and gaslighted them their whole lives and they couldn’t be allowed the opportunity to kill Thanos? Fuck you.

Hank and Pierce's bad toupees

Not making Loki the rat who frees Scott and having it revealed and having Loki's grand dramatic slut return entrance. Loki just escaping with the Tesseract and  not doing anything with it is just dumb. But what’s really dumb is not having Thor and Loki escaping together in Infinity War while Thanos is fighting The Hulk. He had it and he didn’t use it. It just feels like Loki’s death was ultimately pointless now. And apparently Loki escaping with The Tesseract  was pointless, Loki is seen in his cell in Asgard....how the fuck is this supposed to make any sense at all? So honestly I would just have Loki be the very last one to return and reveal himself as the rat who freed Scott. It would make more sense than anything. Loki is the very thing that started The Avengers, it makes sense that he returns to help them against Thanos.

That fucking Hydra Cap reference, he needed to stay in cover, I know but we wanted to forget it ever happened

Once again the shows are screwed over. No Quake, Ghost Rider or The Defenders

Nebula does not kill Thanos.....fucking bullshit fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Nebula should’ve killed Thanos. Nebula by far suffered the most and the hand of Thanos. She was abused, manipulated, and isolated because of him and he killed her sister. Additionally, all of her movies, but especially Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and Endgame flesh out and develop her character quite well, giving the audience ample time to connect with her. Furthermore, a great portion of Nebula’s body has been replaced with metal, which we already knew from previous films but was highlighted in Endgame itself, when Nebula simply sticks her hand in the energy field surrounding the power stone to retrieve it, destroying the “skin” on her hand but leaving her “skeleton” intact. Because of this, it is likely that Nebula had a better chance of surviving a snap than any other Avenger (except for maybe Bruce), and the cinematic payoff of allowing her to be the one to kill Thanos would have been far greater than letting Tony kill Thanos. You could even have Thanos say “I am inevitable daughter” Nebula could have a Eowyn moment “I am not your daughter” and finally Nebula would kill him. Nebula deserved to kill Thanos. And since Nebula was the one who snapped, we know Gamora would return, maybe since they worked together, Nebula would bring back Natasha. Like they all fought to bring an end and bring everyone back. Gamora and Natasha deserved to return and reverse the bullshit fridging. Tony could return to his family and once again they didn’t have to make Far From Home of making Spider-Man be “the new Iron Man” Tony could retire in peace and tell Peter “the world is in safe hands of the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man”

Steve Rogers abandoning his found family and the horrible implications of Steve staying in the past. Before I talk about the implications, I just need to say it makes no sense. Steve made peace with his life in the new world. Peggy wanted Steve to move on, Steve grew as a character. He even saw Peggy was happy in Endgame(however I would’ve had Peggy be seen with her wife Angie, yes fuck ABC I am still bitter) and Peggy herself said she was happy with her life. It makes no sense for Steve to just abandon Sam and Bucky just to be with someone he kissed once. I honestly would’ve been happy if he chose to sacrifice himself to bring Natasha back. I would even be happy if Steve came back, married Sharon and chose to retire, and pass on the Shield to Sam. Just anything is better. It’s not a satisfying conclusion to Steve Rogers’ character arc.  A satisfying character arc means more than giving the character a prize at the end of the story. Women are not prizes. Peggy Carter is not a prize. Peggy Carter would slap the shit out of Steve Rogers if she knew he threw his life away just to be with her and ruining her own life in turn. Even if I didn't like how they paired Peggy with Daniel, even I understand that Peggy moved on and found love and married a man who lost his leg for his country without superstrength or fame, and they had kids. Steve took away Peggy's agency, destroyed her family and ruined his own journey. Even more insulting is the fact that Bucky Barnes was brought back to life and Steve barely acknowledges him. Ever since The Winter Soldier, Steve’s journey has been focused on Bucky and he barely even acknowledges him. He fought a fucking war that split The Avengers for him and he STILL does not even have one last moment with him? What the fuck? But you know the real stupid thing about this? Tony and Natasha died just so to make the world a better place. The better place that Steve then leaves at the end of the movie. Steve’s entire character arc throughout the MCU would be opposed to altering the timeline for his own selfish desires. This is not the Captain America I know. You’re seriously telling me that Steve Rogers didn’t value his present friends, possible girlfriend and life even a little bit? What has been done to Steve Rogers is unforgivable and I would rather Steve dies sacrificing himself in bringing Thanos down. That would’ve been a better send off than ignoring everything about his character arc. As for the implications about going to the past? He knows about the future, he knows HYDRA infiltrated SHIELD, he knows Bucky is being used as their weapon and will kill the Starks, he knows that Peggy, Howard and Hank are surrounded by Hydra,  he even knows about the civil rights fighting. it’s a little alarming Steve Rogers’s idea of a retirement plan was to go back to the jim crow era to cuddle up with his old flame. Apparently a happy ending for Captain America is a white man in the US. He went back to an era where a cis het white man would feel very safe and comfortable. He doesn't choose to fight for Civil rights in the 60's(how is Sam supposed to feel that Steve did nothing for the movement?), Steve and Peggy don't crack down the Hydra infestation and there isn't a Bucky rescue. Like really bad implications

[god-hunter]

Adjusting to Singledom

It’s about time for an update on my Single Situation, if that’s what we’re calling it.  I’ve been meaning to clarify some things since unofficially starting these rants back in 2018 anyway.  It might be short, it might be long.  So let’s run through it and see.  I’m gonna be talking about 6 girls that I’m talking to, so pay attention and keep up.  This rant is going to be interesting.

First of all, the Work Crush that I had brought up originally back in 2018 is NOT Dancing Girl.  Nono, Work Crush, or Original Crush was a 28 year old Barbie lookin’ Office Hottie that had so much bubbly energy about her, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I never resolved that story, btw.  After we became Friends on Facebook, she was that type of person that didn’t really message much.  Eventually group hang outs happened and she met my Then-Girlfriend.  And the two got along so well that we just became Couple Friends.

Post break up, she had reached out to me.  I’m going to refer to her as Twin, because that is what she used to refer to me as at work, affectionately.  First of all, Twin & her boyfriend were supposed to come over for dinner, but it didn’t work out.  It’s just as well, because my Ex and I got into a fight while fixing up the apartment before they had cancelled.  Then we broke up.   So with this bizarre scenario, Twin had still wanted to see me.  I’ll be 3rd Wheeling it and checking out their new apartment instead [which is not so new at this point.]. That plan has never surfaced as of yet, due to general busyness, but now Covid-19 is affecting our plans. Since time is moving on, by the time this outbreak calms down I’ll probably be settled into my own place.  And she is very much looking forward to visiting me with her guy one day, but I’m not holding my breath.

I mention Twin, because she’s a former crush that won’t go away.  I’m not trying to do anything, obviously. She has a great boyfriend who likes me a lot.  But she’s definitely a significant girl in my life, and I would be very happy to hang with her (and him) more in the future.

Speaking of couples, I’m going to refer to my Beautiful Friendship as the Significant Couple.  They are certainly a collective and I still like talking to them a lot.  I won’t deny that I’ve been hoping to be intimate again since that one awesome night, but the differing schedules make that very difficult.  Still, one thing worth noting is that I’ve spoken to both parties about the idea of... not hanging up the phone when They want to get intimate, and neither are opposed to it.  So for the moment, I’ll just leave it at that =).  I respect these 2 immensely for being so open to their experiences.

But now it’s time to add some new names to this mix.  This was the purpose of this entry.  Let’s talk about Bakery Girl.  This too, is a former co-worker and friend of Twin.  I call her Bakery Girl because she literally left our job to work in a new office for better pay, but hated it so much that she ended up quitting and working at her favorite Bakery that she’s now a Manager of.  So, that seemed to work out for her, for now. Well, this is a person that was always pleasant at work.  She was always nice, and nice on the eyes lol.  We always got along, but didn't really interact or ever flirt.  Still... Facebook can be a real beautiful thing.

Before she had left our job, she had mentioned that she wanted to get drinks with me.  (Not just me, but a bunch of us from work.). Of course I said yeah as this was just a friend thing.  ...It never happened.  Instead Dancing Girl came out and.. that crush began, I guess.

But anyway...  Since the Breakup I opened up to a bunch of people.  And I suppose it was week 3 or so, that I had told her about it on FB.  I’m not quite sure when we first spoke about my new situation, but I do remember being in my old bedroom and not feeling miserable, because she was so fun to talk to.  I wasn’t moping about my last chapter, but merely informing her as we caught up.  And then as we talked, the energy felt borderline flirty, or sort of like this friendly vetting process.  What I mean by that is we’ll tell each other stuff, and see how the other feels about the topics.  Most we agree on.  Some we definitely differ on.  But respect is there. Anyway, more-to-the-point.  After a couple of failed attempts at talking on Facebook, I tried one more time last night and got another good conversation with her.  And this time, I was able to bring it over to the phone.  I got her number!  So who knows if it’ll go anywhere, but for now I’ll take that victory. This girl’s definitely a good person, and even if it’s a long-term developing thing she is someone definitely worth keeping in touch with.  It really helps that she’s 28 and not 21.  Or as she refers to Dancing Girl... she’s not 12, lol.  [Yes, she knows Dancing Girl too from work, but she has no idea that I was into her.  I plan to keep it that way.]

Speaking of Dancing Girl, her and Dante are fucking annoying, yo.  We barely talk at breaks now, because I’m not trying.  Instead Dante’s either being an idiot or just cooing at her, and the two of them are just obnoxious with each other in my space.  But I’m learning to put it in its place.  Literally everything is changing.  Breaks now seem to get split up between us all chilling and talking, then the two of them splitting off to smoke weed, while my other dude in his 40′s goes and smokes a cig by himself.  Today I took it upon myself to make it my new normal to join him when he smokes that cig.  Since no one else really talks to each other any more...  We just literally hang around each other while everyone’s on their phones.  It sickens me.  But I guess that’s what happens when Millenials see each other every day...  [And no, I don’t smoke, but I’ve always gone outside for the fresh air and good company.  Now that company ain’t so good any more, but they’re still my friends.]

There’s another former co-worker I hit up, but nothing to really report yet.  I don’t have a codename for her yet, but I asked if she’d like to catch up over dinner and she said, yes.  But after the Coronavirus passes, if that’s okay.  I told her it was, and instead we caught up on Facebook for an hour or so.  For now I’ll call her the Social Distancer... =P

And lastly, I’m going to bring up Gamer Girl.  This one’s a slippery slope, but it’s very important to talk about now, because I do not know what is going to happen next.  She is my Ex’s friend, but ever since we dated, she was always into both of us.  Like, she literally would’ve swung with us if my Ex was into that.  I’ll never forget, she was like, “Wow. You two are hot.”   She’s been referred to as a Unicorn, because she loves getting into sexual situations, but she has no romantic attachment to any of it.  And this is why I’m bringing her up. Again, it was about 3 weeks after the break up.  The Ex and I had gotten into a fight post-break up, which propelled me to really want to leave.  And at the worst time, she messaged me starting with, “I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable...”  And then she proceeded to talk about how she was lonely and not good at making friends and needs an area friend to hang out with.  She brought up a past divorce and that she doesn’t want anything romantic, but she wants to play video games and have pizza with me.  She opened it up as a night where I could vent to her and just have fun.

Against my better judgement, I said yeah.  Plans weren’t made until this week.  Literally tomorrow night, I’ll be seeing what this actually is.  Now, on paper, it might simply be pizza and video games.  But we’ve talked a little since then.  In the first place, she was flirty and brought up her whole schedule for the week.  Then she said, “On this day I’m off and have no plans other than to have no pants on.”  Something like that.  Now, why would she say something like that to me, if not to get a rise out of me...? Then I gagued it a little further when we made the plan.  She brought up that Free Pizza is best pizza and I told her, “No way. I’ll happily pay my share,”  then she explained to me that she has so many points that it’ll be a completely free pizza.  So instead I offered to supply the drinks and asked what she likes. “Rum and Coke is my poison of choice,”  o.o. “Rum and Coke it is!!”

So we’re drinkin’ now...

I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I’m trying not to make it weird. But knowing that this girl didn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but she's been lonely since her divorce and wants to hang out, but doesn’t want anything romantic...  and knowing that she’s the type of person to screw without attachment...  and then she’s telling me that she wants to drink, now...

I mean, how can I not get a little excited!?  Also, we’re playing Fallout Vegas, so that’ll probably be very fun. Right now my plan is to expect nothing, but be prepared for it to get weird.  The Ex will inevitably be brought up, along with any venting that goes along with it.

I don’t expect to win her over that way, and I’m not exactly trying to do that anyway.  But who knows how she gets?  Maybe she’s just casual as fuck and she’ll want to cuddle??  For comfort??  I have no idea.

But as a Single Dude, I am fucking Game.  This is my new Revolution, man.  I don’t care.  Between the randomness of this hang out, Bakery Girl practically interviewing me about the Ex - asking if I’m over her and then giving me her number, and the Social Distancer being interested in dinner, I’m feeling Really Confident right now.  Not to mention that the Significant Couple is chill as fuck and I always like talking to them.

Things are interesting now...  Things are definitely different.  My New Normal isn’t here yet.  But I’m adjusting all the same.

[purplesurveys]

1100

[created by: vyvyan86]  

If someone's laughing, do you instantly think they're laughing at you? I mean, not automatically? People can be laughing for many reasons. But if they’re laughing near me and if I even catch them looking at me from time to time, then it can definitely make me feel paranoid.

What is the strangest thing you've been asked? I’ve said this before, but a masseuse who came to the house a couple of years ago once looked at me intently and asked if I’ve gotten pregnant before. When I asked my mom about her, she explained that that particular masseuse has a third eye. Of course I didn’t buy it, but it was a fascinating scenario nonetheless and I still liked the fact that out of everyone in the family, she had only ~sensed something with me.

What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? Homelessness.

What was your favorite game as a child? I liked playing Diner Dash, Insaniquarium, and Cake Mania on my dad’s laptop. Our parents didn’t keep a strict eye on us as well and we were allowed access to Grand Theft Auto games at a young age, which ended up being one of my all-time favorite video game series.

What’s the stupidest thing you've ever heard? There’s a lot of crazy fake news that have come out over the last few years; I can’t really tell which one is stupidest, but they all are to some extent.

What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? Make spreadsheets about stuff I will never have to refer to. It’s a great way to be distracted/occupied, so I don’t shy away from starting one whenever I feel the need to.

What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? Mr. Bean. My mom didn’t like the character’s antics and she especially hated how he technically doesn’t talk, since she felt like it would have an effect on how we learned language (we mainly learned English from the TV) and the way we speak.

What is your personal catchphrase? I say, “Awesome!” when I’m pleased with something, which is a habit I picked up from Gabie. I also tend to say “For real?” whenever I’m surprised.

What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? I like being given lazy scratches on my wrist or leg. It’s also nice when someone plays with my hair, but it depends on who’s doing it; sometimes I’ll find it too invasive.

What was your 'Oops, wrong person' moment? This doesn’t happen a lot to me, fortunately. For the most part, it’s only been instances from childhood when I mistakenly held on to a stranger’s hand instead of either of my parents’.

What do you find attractive that isn't considered 'normal' attraction? I’m not particularly attracted to muscles or fit bodies in general; a little bit of flab or what the internet calls ~dad bod~ has always been more than alright with me.

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? Nearly fall asleep in a swimming pool, or go on a loud rant about someone while that someone was still within earshot.

What's your proudest moment in the bathroom? I have no idea what this means, and I don’t want to ask.

What’s something you own that gets you lots of compliments? Some clothes/shoes I have. Also, my car back when I placed reindeer antlers and a red nose on it a few Christmases ago haha.

If money was no object, where would you want to live? If that was the case, I’d be in New York City right now.

Who is your favorite mythological character? I never took a liking to mythology and the creatures associated with it.

What's something that's happened which couldn't happen at a worse time? My breakup. We were also recently informed that my mom has been retrenched sooooooo life isn’t particularly dandy at the moment. I’ve stopped complaining about my heavy daily workload and have instead felt grateful for it, because at least it keeps me occupied enough and not think about the stuff happening at home.

What is the best pickup line you've ever heard? I don’t like pickup lines.

What did aging ruin for you? My back and my eyesight.

What is the most hilarious thing you’ve ever heard? Ugh, questions like these are impossible to answer. Off the top of my head, I’ll go with this video.

What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? Crime scene photos, beheading videos, and corpses. There have also been other stuff but they’d be too triggering if I tried to describe what they are.

What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? I can’t have milkshakes unless I’m fine with the stomachaches I will inevitably get after.

What Wikipedia article have you recently read? So I watched Royal Rumble yesterday (I haven’t kept up with wrestling in years, but I always come back for the big pay-per-views) and there’s this female wrestlerI think I’ll soon develop a full-blown crush on. I wanted to look her up and I learned that she’s Rhea Ripley, so I briefly read up on her life and career.

What's a book you were made to read in school that you really liked? Without Seeing the Dawn will always be my favorite. Taking it up in English class was never a chore for me. Number the Stars was a great read too, as was Dekada ‘70.

What objective did you fail to complete this week? I haven’t worked out at all this week, which I should’ve been able to do twice already according to the workout plan I’m currently subscribed to. But it’s fine, I’ll just try to catch up.

What could have gotten worse for you but it didn't? Work. I kept making a million mistakes during my first two months and thought I’d never get the hang of it, and I was just waiting to get fired immediately lol. But everything’s going smoothly now - I’m not as lost as I used to be, and I’ve even taken to tutoring some of the newer hires.

What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? I’d have appreciated it if we had been taught or at least briefed on how to obtain crucial government IDs and documents. I didn’t exactly enjoy walking through everything by myself and being expected to know what to do.

What is the best thing about having a Significant Other? Oh my god, everything. I loved and treasured being in a relationship. I appreciated even the arguments because it made me get better at communicating, know how and when to apologize, and how to be more in tune with another person’s feelings. But my favorite part about it would probably be having a person to share everything about yourself and your life to. I’ve learned to be okay being by myself, but I feel the loneliness the hardest when I’m going through a rough patch and remembering that I no longer having someone to turn to.

What makes you unusually uncomfortable? Injections, blood tests, anaesthesia, anything that’s meant to prick my skin.

What is an upcoming purchase you're excited about? I don’t plan on making any purchases soon. Maybe a couple boxes of macarons with 25 pieces each for my birthday to treat myself?? but that’s the only one I’ve been planning.

What is the worst game you've ever played? When I was still taking PE, I dreaded it every time we had to play basketball or water polo.

What’s the oddest thing you like to do? I really like doing tedious tasks, like inputting things into a spreadsheet or writing out lists. I think I’d be a great secretary. < Yeah same. Literally what I said earlier about the spreadsheets.

What's the funniest news story you've seen in the past few weeks? Some fixers at the LTO who approached the mayor of a nearby city to convince him that they can fast-track whatever business he’s in for there, not knowing he’s the fucking mayor. What a mess lmfao.

What do you really really want right now? For things to go back to normal. My parents are very secretive about finances - probably because they don’t want us to worry - but I hate not knowing if I could even turn on the fan or any of our lights anymore. I also hate that I feel guilty whenever I buy things for myself knowing that both my parents are in sticky situations.

What do you hide from people? Things going on in my personal life. I will refer to my problems in social media posts occasionally, but would never provide enough context for people to know more about my life than I’m comfortable with.

What was the first sign you knew you had a crush on someone? I got increasingly nervous around them and I just wanted to be with them all day and listen to their stories and buy them food and stuff. Also, I knew when I started crying over them. Hahahaha man this just made me feel so nostalgic. I miss that feeling of first falling in love with someone.

What's the best lemonade you've made from the lemons life gave you? The self-love, self-acceptance, and self-validation I gained after my breakup felt and continues to feel wonderful. I never realized how much of myself I sacrificed and gave away. I will never do that again and will always make sure to leave more than enough room for myself in the future.

Who was your cartoon crush while growing up? Sam from Totally Spies and Shego from Kim Possible.

What's the best way to deal with religious door knockers? We don’t have those here. But I imagine just telling them “No thanks” and closing my door.

What’s the most hypocritical thing you’ve ever seen or heard? My mom is a big hypocrite in general; she exhibits some behaviors that she would typically chew me out for. But she would never admit to that; that, or she wouldl use mental gymnastics to convince me that the way I’m doing the thing is wrong and that her version is the acceptable one.

Who’s the most interesting person you’ve ever met? Probably one of the artists at Pinto Museum. Every time I’ve gone there, he’s always standing at the first gallery - he looks like your typical visitor, but I’ve come to realize he actually scans the museum looking for people who are genuinely into the artworks and not just there to shoot photos. I know, because he has always ended up approaching me and whoever I’m with at the time so that he can explain every single painting. He’s done the same thing with me - I think he keeps forgetting me, but it’s fine - 2-3 times, with the same spiels and same interesting explanations and anecdotes. In the end he always reveals that he painted a number of the works in the museum and for his sake I will always try to act surprised, haha. Anyway, he’s brilliant and very talented, and always has great stories to tell.

What just doesn't impress you? Certain movies that are meant to be hailed as one of the greats.

What’s the worst possible way to introduce yourself? By being an ass from the get-go, I suppose.

What makes you wish that you were born in the past or the future? I hate missing out on things when I’m already around, which is why I often wish I could live long enough to see what advancs and developments we could be capable of reaching in the future. Would we find a cure for cancer? Will I get to see my country get richer and more developed like it has always deserved to? Will travel to outer space be a thing? It’s stuff like that I’d love to see happen and the idea of potentially missing out on them because maybe they’re not meant to happen in my lifetime kinda bums me out.

What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? I started loving the shit out of myself from my breakup. I thought I was already comfortable with who I was and where I was in life, but I soon learned that I could be doing so much more for myself, self-esteem-wise.

What's something people are proud of, but it doesn't impress you? Wealth, usually, especially if it’s generational. < True. Also, fucking watches? I’ll never understand the need for watches that cost a million pesos when I could easily stomp on them lmao.

What's the worst possible moment to go and play on a bouncy castle? Doing it with an upset stomach.

Who is the greatest ever comedian? I don’t know about greatest. I certainly don’t watch enough comedians to make such a choice.

What’s your irrational fear? Sometimes I’ll get an irrational urge to do something stupid and/or dangerous. For instance I was in Tagaytay last weekend, on the 20th floor of a condo and to my surprise, the windows could be opened and they didn’t have any bars either. As I opened a window I thought about jumping and it freaked me out, so much so I immediately closed it and never went back to it. I believe there’s a word for this phenomenon in a foreign language; I just can’t remember what it is now.

What's your oldest memory? Waking up inside a Winnie the Pooh tent with my sister when I was 3, she 1. My parents let us go ‘camping,’ even though the tent was simply set up on the floor of our bedroom.

What can you not wake up without? Greeting my dogs.

What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Side bangs.

What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? “I would ask you to consider your response in light of the respect that my rank and office deserve, not that which my age and gender might suggest.” from The Crown. Holy shit that line was so good. I’ll need to rewatch this showagain.

What's something people love to hate? Mainstream culture. < Very true.

What’s something that is underrated but extremely useful? Car adaptors have saved my ass so many times while driving long distances and needing to constantly use data to have access to Waze.

[riisinaakka-draws]

Under the cut there are some thoughts on the process and ideas behind the drawing JOURNEY INTO THE DARK if you are interested :)

I thought it would be too big of a burden to mention all of this within the art post. This is also for my own archiving purposes (so I won’t forget what was involved! :D) and it’s always nice to see how things start and develop...

Long post ahead! (contains spoilers for the show)

COMMENTARY:

I continued this work bit by bit over a period of several months (I started this just when s4 started airing) and only finished it recently. A few hours then and then (whenever I felt like it or had time for this), but I can’t really say how much time it took all together. Occasionally there were weeks/months that I just forgot about it and was more focused on other things...

Most of the thoughts here are fleeting ideas during the process (how a thing X lead to thing Y) and some personal fun and not something I actually spend too much time on dwelling or planning (or researching lol). I have probably forgotten some already and some happened by accident and some I am just incabable of putting into understandable words.

None of these are any actual instructions (or limits) of “this is how it’s to be seen”. Art doesn’t have to be or even shouldn’t be explained in some cases, but I just wanted to document the process and open up the symbolism since there were a lot of (random) things involved.

It’s also fun to look back on things and how they evolved and what their connection to other things were.

You are free to have your own interpretations of course and I hope this additional post doesn’t ruin any of those :)

The initial idea and motifs:

Flint decends the steps from light to darkness and Miranda is standing behind him as an accomplice/orderer. Stepping stones get bloodier by every step and gold coins are glimmering on the path (Urca de Lima’s gold). Sword is drawn out for war and slaughter. Black water as in the opening credits + general darkness to represent the abyss. Reflection shows James when he was happy (him returning to Hamiltons) and how much he has changed compared to that (McGraw vs Flint). Sort of stage / antique/ greek tragedy(?) setting with marble columns, red curtains (like a myth, a monology or a story or something).

A white feather shining in the dark to show there’s always hope and another way out. I already explained this in another post, but here it is again:

Short answer: Silver (although some of you may not like it) Long answer: the feather is for “hope and an alternative for war” (the dove of peace..haha). Also remember the trap Flint laid in season 1? The feather and the logbook in his drawer -> leads to Silver’s capture later.

The feather is also a reference to the swan of Tuonela (in Finnish mythology the river of Tuonela separates the world of the living and the dead (compare Styx in Greek mythology I guess). Flint decents to the world of death (also represented here by the pale and dead-looking organic shapes of the opening sequence’s sculpture… thing).

Anyway, the feather is mainly about Silver: both how they end up meeting in the beginning (the trap, and then some new hope along the way and eventually some light in Flint’s miserable life) and what (who) also ends up being “the end of Captain Flint” (a tiny nod to the swan guarding the border between the living and the dead).

Visually I wanted something to shine in the darkness to remind there’s always hope and another way out. At one point it had an additional thin string leading to Thomas’ hand. You know, a connection to the memory (and to the reason of Flint’s revenge and war path and so on) but the idea didn’t work so well and felt too distracting so I left it (the string) out. And then the finale happened (!!!) and the reflection became also the future.. :D

a way out of the darkness… :)

There was also a post going around a long time ago about the empty space (the absence of Thomas) next to James and Miranda in some scenes, so I incorporated that in here, too. Unfortunately I cannot remember who did the post, so I cannot link it right now :| It was something about how some of the New World scenes were framed in a way that it looked like there was something missing (aka the third person of the trio).

Here’s the early drafts again so you don’t have to scroll back:

I didn’t like the first composition that much and continued it into another direction with similar elements and the main ideas.

The stepping stones changed to wooden planks: angrier zigzag lines (rage) and also the idea of “walk the plank” (except that you don’t know when and where the nightmare ends...)

I ditched the gold coin idea. The overal setting became more spacious and gloomier to emphasize the vastness of abyss and the smallness of people. The stage / arch became the staircase seen in Flint’s dreams.

The whole thing is sailing on a similar sculptural thing seen in the opening sequence which for some reason made me think about the floating theatre in the Moomins (when the Moomin valley is flooded in one dangerous midsummer. LMAO):

(*coughs* lots of water, a stage and some drama after a disaster...so..)

(At one point I was also thinking about Howl’s moving castle and how that too is a monstrous looking vessel travelling between worlds (well, opening doors) but how the moving castle itself is also composed of various other things... and how in the drawing Flint would be stepping out of the ride for a moment to do some dark deeds in one of these ‘worlds’ etc.)

Black Sails opening sequence - is there a term for that cool monstrosity?

Some other inspiration and references:

Akseli Gallen-Kallela’s “Lemminkäisen äiti” (Lemminkäinen’s Mother, 1897).

(notice the swan, the black water, blood-covered stones, ‘the mother’ and the red-bearded ‘son’ waiting/asking for a spark for new life after the mother has combed his broken parts out of the river and assembled them back into the shape of a man)

I must admit that I didn’t bother to think any deeper parallels with Lemminkäinen and Flint (or the Mother and Miranda) beside this (more about it later though) and mainly had my thoughts just on this painting and its visuals because it is so well known (and liked) in Finland.

Moving on.

Screencaps from season 2 (source here):

I chose the latter stairs for the reflection (although modified) only because they were in London and there is an arch above them (to mirror the window in the drawing)

Some steps futher when the needed elements are more clear:

At some point I tried things with a lot more light and coldness (below, left pic) to channel some of the the dream sequence in s3 but in the end I chose the darker atmosphere, faces in shadows and I also wanted to preserve the red colour somehow (right pic):

The reflection sketch (at some point), although most of it cannot be seen in the finished work and thus didn’t need too much details. Young lieutenant James McGraw returning to London from his voyage:

Also, (and I am so sorry about this, but it was “fitting” and I decided to keep it..) in the reflection (when flipped and put in its position) the plank (their unfortunate blood-covered war-path and future) accidentally hides Miranda’s face and decapitates her so to speak and she won’t be there anymore ;_;

Thomas, on the other hand, is in the reflection to meet James -  both in the past and again in the future - but not in ‘the present’ where Miranda is.

Miranda in Flint’s visions (s3 ep3):

When I first met you, you were so Unformed.

And then I spoke and bade you cast aside your shame, and Captain Flint was born into the world. The part of you that always existed yet never were you willing to allow into the light of day.

I was mistress to you when you needed love. I was wife to you when you needed understanding. But first and before all I was mother. I have known you like no other. So I love you like no other. I will guide you through it, but at its end is where you must leave me. At its end is where you will find the peace that eludes you, and at its end lies the answer you refuse to see.

And then in s3ep5: You can't see it yet, can you? You are not alone.

The end part of it is seen in the fandom as a reference to Silver (and his partnership) and how Flint’s mind is telling himself to see it too. And I agree on that. I don’t think James had any hopes for Thomas being alive (especially in s3). As I mentioned earlier I originally did the reflection to show him (Thomas) only as a memory. Then the finale happened and the reflection got its double meaning :)

And here again Miranda as the mother (there has been better discussions about this topic and speech in the fandom so I won’t go more into that now). In the inspiration painting that I showed earlier the mother had assembled his son back together (for rebirth / reanimation) <--- Miranda being part of the creation (birth) of ‘Captain Flint’.

Aaaaand here’s the feather again and Silver’s words (and sort of motto):

“Take it from me, there's always a way.” (season 1)

“Nothing is inevitable here. I'm showing you a way in which we can survive this.″ (season 3)

Some further fixed details and adjustments. In the end the wall almost disappeared and to me it made this feel a bit like “floating alone without a shelter on your back or a place to return once you leave its premise”... I fixed the perspective of the planks (took me surprisingly long to notice what was wrong) and got the bloody red back on the planks (and not leaking too much on the water).

I wanted the water to be quiet, pitch black and endless and the reflection to seem like a dream. I probably should’ve done everything a bit more detailed or sharper, but in the end it didn’t feel so necessary (and it would have been way too much work, haha).

The final drawing:

The planning and initial idea was done after seeing s3 and just when s4 was beginning so there weren’t any thoughts linked to s4 while making this (other than the surprise connection with Thomas). Most of this I did paint after s4 though, but only to finish what I had already started.  

One more thing. I also made “the doors of the warship” -drawing after planning the JOURNEY INTO THE DARK (although I posted the doors pic first, since it was finished earlier).

It has a similar lighting and the theme of James and Miranda facing together ‘the civilization’ although this time they are stepping towards the light again (in hopes of closure and the promise of new life... which doesn’t go well as we already know ;_;).

James and Miranda about to leave the warship and meet Lord Peter Ashe in Charles Town:

So, here we sort of have a beginning and an end for their journey in the dark (together)  - believing that there are just the two of them left from the original trio.

Aaaaaand, that’s about it. Sorry about some repetition and messiness.

As I said in the beginning of this post, you are free to have your own interpretations (and I hope this post didn’t ruin any of them). These were just the things and thoughts that went into this work (or were stumbled upon along the way...), but you don’t have to take them to your heart.

Thank you so much for checking out this post and I hope it was worthy of your time! ( ˘ ³˘)♥  

[peterkayscarshare]

Foreshadowing a Happy Ending: season 2

Okay so finally here's part 2 - and just a reminder, I'm not covering the songs here, they will get a post all to themselves because there is SO MUCH foreshadowing and Easter Egging going on in the songs.

But, anyhoo, on to season 2.

2x01

1) The main bit of foreshadowing in this episode isn't s throwaway line or some symbolism, it's the entire frickin' plot of the episode. It is HUGELY significant that John and Kayleigh CANNOT let go of the idea of not travelling to work together. They are apart 2 days, and haven't even had to suffer an entire journey without each other before they "give in" and Kayleigh starts phoning John, and John - for his part - starts fantasising about whisking Kayleigh away from her public transport drudgery. It says so much, that John is so desperate to have her back in his car he's willing to pick her up even if it's just for 2 minutes. And then of course, he engineers an excuse to take her home again. It's equal billing on who misses who the most, and shows really how much they can't stand to be apart - essentially telling us that Kayleigh getting out of the car, getting in a taxi and declaring she's out of his life while John declares he's done, is a status that won't stay quo-ed for long.

2) On Yer Bike - This isn't strictly speaking foreshadowing but really shows us the effect Kayleigh has on John. After his run in with the cyclist, Kayleigh is the one to distract him, calm him down, tell him to forget about it and move on. It's also she who won't allow him to get poe-faced over his viral success, giggling and letting him see it's not that big of a deal. THAT is what Kayleigh does for him, and that's why he needs her.

3) The communication problems John and Kayleigh have while apart is a wonderful symbolism for both the unhappy ending AND the inevitability of a happy ending. When their phone calls keep cutting out, and they miss each other in returning calls (both calling each other at the same time) it's highly symbolic of their conversation in the car in ep 4. It's all about the lines of communication not being fully open and bad timing. Yet, when they finally DO connect, both are so happy ("Finally!") to be talking again - once again showing us HOW MUCH they want to be in each others lives, and how badly their fair without each other. Also, interestingly, as happy as they are to reconnect on the phone, it's not until Kayleigh is BACK in the car that they are both TRULY happy. Again, showing us the future that has to happen.

4) "Kayleigh Kitson I'll remember you until the day I die." This line shows us John isn't going to just get over this. He can't just declare "I'm done" and move on. It's not going to happen. He will remember Kayleigh forever. She'll be in his heart forever. There is no forgetting Kayleigh Kitson.

2x02

*clutches heart* *dies slowly* This episode is huge... HEEEEEEEEEEEEUGE in the foreshadowing.

1) Or rather, 1.21. This is MASSIVE. This is the partner to John and Kayleigh's conversation about seeing Cannon and Ball from 1x06. This is what shows us John and Kayleigh are more than just a thing, they are meant to be, dictated by the fates. Kayleigh's pondering makes it clear, the spirits are trying to tell John something. And at 1.21 he leaves Kayleigh's side after NEARLY going all the way (emotionally I mean... it's a small car heehee). It is glaringly obvious they are telling us that the fates are telling JOHN to sort himself out and get together with Kayleigh. You don't include a premonition like that as a writer, and then have it not be significant long term or come back. The fates are involved in John and Kayleigh's relationship, and you don't argue with them. ;)

2) “Rick and Donna, getting engaged.” Now to many this could be a totally pointless conversation, just a random way to introduce Elsie talking about them being the talk of the store. However, there are MANY ways they could have done that. That entire part of the conversation with Elsie feels like VERY heavy foreshadowing of future events we have yet to see - Elsie commenting it should be the MAN who proposes, Kayleigh's commenting it would be embarrassing in front of all of those people. Could be setting up a proposal we will see in the future that fits that description. Also, Elsie's specific phrase when she broaches the topic of John and Kayleigh is key - "you'll be next!". She could have simply said what's going on with you two, what are you up to etc, but nope they wrote THAT line - that John and Kayleigh would be the next couple to get engaged. Coming in the same episode as the fates showing they are involved in the relationship, it very strongly suggests that Elsie is right. After all, you can't con a conner, you can't kid a kidder.

3) “Living alone, it's hard isn't it?” This is a gorgeous moment of truth from Elsie that really strikes John. And it shows us that John does feel that which he keeps denying - the need for someone, to have someone, to love and be loved. It goes back to the end of 1x03 - John secretly wants love, but he just keeps denying it  - including in the final scenes of 2x04. Note: BOTH of these moments happen when Kayleigh is asleep.

4) All I Want For Christmas Is You. The song that killed the moment, LOL, BUT here's the interesting part - why that song? Why did they chose Kayleigh's ringtone for Elsie's call to be THAT Christmas song? It's not essential to the joke. John could have as easily said "Who's that, Beyonce?" in his flustered state when the phone rings. They could have chosen absolutely any song for that moment, but they chose a Christmas song, and one that John and Kayleigh discuss in the Christmas extra. Interestingly in that Christmas scene Kayleigh's first words about the song are "I love this... LOVE IT!" - familiar? And of course, then they discuss Love Actually, with Kayleigh bringing up that it's in the Hugh Grant kissing scene. And when John poo-poos the romance, Kayleigh assures him "it's love, actually". It's a sum up of their relationship, but also associating it in our minds again with kissing and love and romantic resolution.

Essentially also, this song choice reminds us of the Christmas team again (notice the Christmas Team is the thing that ruins their moments every time, from this moment, to the seaside moment, to the fateful last conversation), and that John and Kayleigh will be working together on it. It literally makes us think of the future, and what will happen at Christmas. It’s a Christmas shaped Easter Egg.

2x03

There really isn’t a whole lot of foreshadowing in this ep. There is a bit in the music, which will be in another post but aside from that, there’s not much.

1) Like 2x01, really the main foreshadowing of a happy ending we have in 2x03 is the main plot, and that is of Kayleigh managing to convince John to bunk off work. Again this shows the influence Kayleigh has on John, and specifically in the manner of being more spontaneous and rebellious. She tells John he should squeeze the juice out of life, and although reluctant he does eventually agree. It doesn’t make him stop worrying about the consequences, BUT he does it and is incredibly happy he has (in terms of hanging out with Kayleigh at the very least). And in fact, he so wants Kayleigh to think this IS him, that he’s not afraid of life, he declares himself Reckless Redmond, who lives a life of sex drugs and rock and roll. He WANTS to be the person who grabs life, that Kayleigh is encouraging.

2) Again something more vague, but in this episode we have 2 separate scenes backing up Elsie’s words that people already think John and Kayleigh are a couple. We have Litchy at Wigan proving that the talk in work has gone way beyond their own store, and we have Jim, which shows Kayleigh is someone John is talking about in his own life. This shows that while the show is in its own little bubble of the car, their relationship is not and has sent ripples out, ripples that mean neither John nor Kayleigh could just ignore their situation. It’s not a resolution that thy can simply decide on and never think about again, they are going to be repeatedly asked “what happened?” between them.

2x04

Gird your loins folks, we’ll make it through this episode. (I actually have watched this ep dozens of times, because as heartbreaking as the final scenes are I still love them for their raw emotion). And as much as this is the end, it’s also showing us that the end is FAR from what this is…

1)Kayleigh’s predicament at Mandy’s house is, on the face of it, some classic slapstick that is likely there to balance out the angst and depth of the second half of the episode. However, it also can be seen as a metaphor for John and Kayleigh’s relationship as it unfolds in this episode: Kayleigh is trapped, wanting to get closer to John. He feels helpless, tries to help but it doesn’t work, and they have miscommunication while on separate sides of the door. However, John promises he won’t leave Kayleigh, and in the end he puts himself out there (financially) and sorts it and they are reunited. It was practically a fairytale (does Kayleigh live her life in a fairytale after all?) - the princess trapped in the castle, and the prince battles his way through the forest, up the tower to save her. And we all know fairytales always have happy endings.

Everything in Car Share is about reuniting them over and over again, after disagreements, miscommunications, forks in the road, and obstacles - they ALWAYS work it out and come back together.

2) I’ve Had The Time of My Life. The whole Dirty Dancing exchange reeks of foreshadowing, and we know it actually was (due to John’s text to Forever FM) BUT some lines in it feel as though they are YET to come back, and are significant to John and Kayleigh’s future (much like the Rick & Donna engagement talk from 2x02). Obviously the talk of Johnny declaring his love for Baby via metaphor is in reference to John’s ability to do the same thing .“Why doesn’t he just tell her instead of talking in bloody riddles?” - but it’s a question that isn’t answered. We don’t know the answer for Johnny or John, but it tells us that John thinks it’s a ridiculous way to behave. He can see it in Johnny, likely eventually he would see it in himself. Then we have Kayleigh saying “It’s when he uses her name in full”, which really stands out. Could it be that in a similar situation one day we’re going to hear John using Kayliegh’s name “in full” in order to let her know he DOES love her? As his dedication failed to find its mark.

3) Red Light Spells Danger.

I’m not going to get into the actual song here (save that for the music post) but it should be noted of course that John gave Kayleigh a “red light” and specifically asked if the colour was right, in a scene that was basically showing John had fallen for Kayleigh and was giving her his heart. And here we have the denouement of that, as the red light DOES spell danger. The traffic being stopped allows Kayleigh to leave, the song itself causes the conversation that leads to Kayleigh leaving… it seems the red light is danger. BUt if red light means danger, what does “Green Flag” mean? Throughout the entire gut-wrenching conversation in the car, a Green Flag van (and it’s decal) is very visibly kept in shot the whole time over John’s shoulder. Is it letting us know that although this red light is dangerous and thus the relationship is at stop, at some point we will see a time when the relationship is green flagged and is go go go?

4) “You can’t just cut a song like that off mid-song, that’s just bad programming Forever FM shower of shit!” Do I need to explain this? :D This is a HUUUUUGE self-referential joke, much like the “it’s like something from a shit comedy” line in 2x03. There is no need for the song to be cut off so suddenly, it wouldn’t change the scene to have them simply enjoy the song and for John still to declare “I love this! Love it”. Why have the song cut off and then reference it so strongly? You can’t just cut off something in the middle of everyone enjoying it, that’s bad programming - John knows that, so Peter knows that too. ;)

5) “I just want to be happy.”

 Oh god, poor Kayleigh… as we get to the most devastating part of the conversation, we are taken ALL the way back to 1x02 and the conversation about Old Ted’s death. He seemed happy, he had a good job and a great wife… and that’s all Kayleigh wants to be happy. All she needs is John. This is more back referencing than foreshadow BUT what it shows is that the show had a theme, from day one to 2x04’s end - the theme was about these two people finding happiness. And they found it in each other. It was what the show was about. You don’t create a show about explorers setting out to find the lost city of gold, then suddenly have them going “nah, let’s not bother, let’s just go home.” EVERYTHING in the show relating to John and Kayleigh was about what they need in life, what they are looking for, and the irony that suddenly it was plonked down next to them in this car.

6) “Does that mean anything to anyone out there?” I posted about this a few weeks ago because I didn’t notice this line AT ALL in my first million viewings of the scene. When we hear the DJ reading out John’s dedication, he says “And he’s also cryptically added `Nobody puts Kayleigh in the corner… does that mean anything to anyone out there?”  That line takes the scene outside of John and Kayleigh and once again reminds us of their place in the wider world, and is inviting us to think of who might recognise the names John and Kayleigh. Something that was firmly put in place for us with Elsie, Litchy and Jim - that many people WOULD know who this refers to. It is, in essence, a mini cliff hanger in the larger one. Proof again that this isn’t something that they can keep between themselves, someone somewhere will have heard that and talk to them about it. It’s not “done” by any manner of means.

As you can see, Peter, Paul and Sian left a ton of threads hanging, threads that if you pull at them only lead one place - to a happy ending. They based the ENTIRE premise of the show, and most of the key scenes on the fact that these two lovely people were made for each other, were making each other happy, and should and would continue to do; that fate put them side by side in this car and fate told them it was meant to be. To quote Mr John Redmond, “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be”. 

[harmonizedheroine]

Winter2017

I. Confused - Jan2

Here I am, sitting at the mesmerizing cliffs of dover pretending that I am making decisions that are worthwhile, writing words that I thought could offer me solace. It is my last year here and I fear that there is no clarity near, like I will always be drowning in the same relentless cycle of malcontent.

It’s almost choking me at this point, the thickness of the grime from that past year inching up towards my cranium, threatening to fill up my brain with its thoughtless dark.

But, at the stroke of midnight all of that passed. The silent orb of brightness escaped the shadows and caressed my face… “You’re so beautiful.” I melt under rays of endless summer that promise me joy, joy and nothing more.

I remember, there was a cloudy shine awaiting me outside, but I shouldn’t have left. What if I missed it. The chance, the opportunity, the perfect one.

But, there’s a whole year. A whole year to figure out how I can near my inevitable bliss because I know one day I can reach it. I can achieve happiness and I am willing to persevere whatever obstacles I must in order to do so.

“This is my year,” they all say each year. But, I mean it. This is the year that I take control of my life because fate is passing. I have to do something because if I don’t, who will?

So, this is me…and these are the ramblings of a mad woman. I can’t wait to spend the next year with you and I hope this post grows as long as….the Nile River.

II. Ability - Jan5

I want to be able to���

reach the moon with only the help of one balloon,

break through the walls with a single push…pop,

make my childhood last as long as infinity

time and record the blissful surrender into calamity

witness the dark and passionate affair with a soul that of Dorian’s

worry even the smallest person passing me by

capture the attention of an untamed lion with a gaze

because god only knows what I’d be without you.

III. Weirdo - Jan7

Dude, so apparently it’s #wastemytime2k17 because I have been scammed, yet again. Honestly, it would have been dope if Joanne the Scammer herself had scammed me, but alas...t’was not. So, basically, Nate is over which is a rough situation for me to be in, having had liked him and spent a lot of time with him for several months. I still have his bracelet. He gave me literally $170 worth of Vans and I can’t return a pair because I wore it BUT I plan on returning the other pair because it just feels wrong.

He literally ripped my heart out. I drove to Megan’s after I made up a very smooth excuse that my mom needed me home. It was 2am. It made sense. I just didn’t wanna cry in front him...So, I just dipped. Like...it was just a boozy night. What the heckaroons, 2017 is MY year. People have to stop trying to ruin my year. But, you see, that only ruined my week. I’ll get over it. No one is worth my year. And, in the coming months, I will forget all about it and him. I just need a little bit of time!

Donald Glover’s Weirdo is one of the best one-hour stand-up’s I’ve ever seen. It is insanely funny and I love Donald Glover because he is an absolute gem. It totally repaired my night. And I found out that I’m the bomb. Like what an L for Nate. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I mean...he doesn’t like Kanye which is like fine whatever I guess I get it. But, then he said he doesn’t like Frank Ocean because he’s too mainstream. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THEN. Also, he’s not into Star Wars???  I was shook. 

I found out several things from my time with Nathan. If a boy says he doesn’t like the major things that I like....AKA FRANK FREAKING OCEAN (like who doesn’t like him), then that means that something is up. I also learned that I can be like really nice sometimes or...you know what I’m saying? Like I can be really really nice when people are really really nice to me. Reciprocation was a big takeaway word from this lesson. I honestly think that it ended because cuffing szn has officially concluded. Onto living life to the fullest. This is my year. And I can’t wait to makeout with cute college boys at parties again (haha kidding, but at the same time let me LIVE, mom).

IV. Quirky - Jan11

frick

frickity 

frack goes the click clack

goon

fiend

shoots patoots

any form of the word baboon

baboon

baboonery

to be continued….

V. Takeaway - Jan12

I figured from a few posts ago that I learned something or, you know, a lesson from each of the boys that I’ve spent time with, whether short or long or recurring like Megan Fox on New Girl...it’s all a struggle. But, let’s take it from the start!

Ben - Cool cat. All I can take away from this is that we were both fetuses and it was the longest relationship that I’ve ever been in (1 year I think??), yet it wasn’t even one lol. But, he’s the bomb and we’re still really good friends. I guess I can take away from this that exes CAN be besties.

Nick - My on-and-off boyfriend. We’re currently off, obviously, and hopefully forever. I learned from this kiddo that I love funny guys, they’re the best. I was really sad to see junior Nick turn into a douchebag compared to the Nick I knew just a few years before. I learned that I don’t deserved to be cheated on and that boys can be boozy. It was just ratchet. And I’m dope. Also, friends with benefits works only in the rarest of occasions and please don’t enter that sort of relationship with you EX. Bad idea, buddy.

Ethan - He spent more time with video games then paying attention to me. Obviously, the lesson here is that that is completely dumb and I’m dope. Except, it also showed that drummers are my kryptonite (reference one of my two biggest high school crushes: Matthew Butler). But, yeah, I love video games and I can totally play and actually enjoy that shit because...they’re dope. But, it was just boozy.

Ted - Okay, this is the first boy to take me out on dates and it was literally so adorable and I loved how much effort he put into things because he liked me. We went to the city and the zoo and you know all of this cute shit. But, it was supposed to be casual. He was perfect and amazing, but it was destined to end. I learned that you can’t make someone like you. The whole time, I thought that he would maybe realize that he would want to actually be with me. FALSE. But, it’s okay. Because I still enjoyed my time with him.

Yash - Yeah, it was fun. But, I hate boys that love drama. I know he kept saying that he hates drama, but I literally told one person about Yash and he flipped shit and it wasn’t cute. Also, after a while, he stopped being all cute and nice. Not cute. I learned that assholes are never fun, to not take people’s shit, and that I deserve like waaay better lol. 

Nate - He was absolutely too nice to me and he treated me fantastically. Totally sweet and caring and compassionate and kind. But, that can only amount to so much. That could only come to be so much, though, you know? From my last post about him, I could say that I learned liking a few of my major likes like Frank Ocean are kind of important. I want to talk to someone about everything, even like intellectual stuff. He was absolutely too good to me, but in the end I wasn’t enough. Which is okay because I’m enough for myself. I learned that nice guys definitely don’t finish last, that I’m a great girlfriend, and that I deserved someone who goes to the third floor (future me: I hope you remember what this means lol. I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO GOES TO THE THIRD FREAKING FLOOR, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

VI. Enough - Jan14

IM SORRY FOR ALL OF THE RELATIONSHIP POSTS... my love life is boozy and I promise to fill this szn-long post with more fulfilling and relevant life stories and shiz because this relationship drama is getting boring.

my relationships have all ended with one word in mind looming over me for weeks on end afterwards: enough.

i feel like i’m never enough. i get that boys like me, maybe even a lot do/could. but they never like me enough. i just want someone to care about me enough to not cheat and actively tell themselves that they would never cheat because…in all honesty, i think i’m a fairly good person. it’s not like im an awful girlfriend or even an awful person. you know…i get that people can “like” me, but they just don’t like me enough…enough to want to keep me in a real relationship, to try. because i try. i always try and lose myself to trying to make people happy, whether it’s with relationships or even just my friendships. i always exert all of my energy and find none of it reciprocated. and i guess im not really complaining, it just sucks you know?

all starts with nick. im not enough for him to stay loyal (these hoes aint loyal). for ted, i wasn’t enough for him to keep once northwestern started. for yash i wasnt enough for him to not eventually treat me like trash, straight up. for nate, i wasn’t enough to put his faith in, until college and maybe even further.

like i hate getting my hopes up, waiting for something that would never happen, and just trying so hard to care about people who couldn’t even…i dont know. its just…im tired. im so so tired and so discouraged and boys keep treating me like trash and ugh.

it might sound dumb or whatever, but i feel like i deserve more than this at least. because im enough for myself and that’s for sure. so if im not enough for other people, then that’s on them. seriously.

what just tears me apart is the whole nate thing right now. like yeah for sure im talking to danny right now and he’s an absolute dreamboat, but the whole nate situation still manages to upset me, you know? like he’s literally pretending that i don’t exist. it’s like we don’t know eachother. and he doesn’t wanna date me because college. well yeah, but that’s in 7-8 months. Also…I’m not the type of person to cheat or leave someone as soon as I see the first cute person at college. I feel like I would care more than that. rough. yet another case to validate the fact that nothing ever goes.

so here i am now, going back to my fall go-to of “casual” things with people. because i don’t want to cry over a guy again. freaking 2017 is my year. im over it. lmao. sorry i just needed to rant, please don’t read this :/

VI. Scammed - Jan20

There has been an update. 

I’ve been informed by Megan and Max, two excellent sources, that I was, in fact, scammed by Nathaniel. So, it turns out that he kind of used me to see if he could get over Corey. Throughout the two-three months, I was actually just part of a social, personal-discovery-esque experiment. A lab rat, of sorts. Which is absolutely bogus, in my humble opinion. 

So, right after he broke things off with me, he goes straight to Corey, pours his heart out to her, says he still loves her, and they kiss. Fast forward to him bringing her to the opening night of my show, the school musical which he damn well knew I was in. I didn’t know about the whole “Still In Love With Corey” thing at the time, so I freaked out to Megan and was super down about what I was hypothesizing was them being back together. 

So quick for him to jump the boat. Anyways, after that, I heard that Corey told him she doesn’t want to be in a relationship again. Sucks for Nate, truly. And I really have 0% desire to be petty about this and talk about how karma had it coming for him. Because I don’t believe that.

Out of all people, I would understand very well the situation he was in. To like someone, but still be in love with the last one. I think I was just super unlucky to be caught in the crossfire of something happening. It’s kind of like Ross’ girlfriends throughout the show. Everyone knew he would end up with Rachel because he always loved Rachel and those poor girls in between were just unlucky people caught in the crossfire. Yeah, he liked them. But, Rachel was always the one. I’m not Nate’s Rachel and that is absolutely fine with me. 

If I think about it, in the long run, it wouldn’t have worked either. He doesn’t know anything about politics and I love talking about politics. He hates Frank Ocean, Chance the Rapper, Kanye, and literally just everyone that I like but listens to heavy metal all the time because it has amazing drums YET he doesn’t like rock and alternative rock because???? He doesn’t go to the third floor. And he’s not planning to go to college and I am. I want someone who can care about me, make me laugh, and who I can talk to about anything. And it just wasn’t there with Nate. 

(also, megan and max said it wouldn’t have worked out anyways because he’s a virgo and i’m an aquarius. sounds like bullshit, but i read up on it and it all was so real so i guess that theory checks out)

What I’m really just upset about is that I had to be the pawn in this. I wish I was just left out, that I never had my feelings hurt. You know what? I actually take that back. I wish that he told me the truth when he broke it off. You know? “I really like you, but I think I’m still in love with Corey and I’d hate to hurt you while I’m still confused and going through this,” would have been a lovely approach at breaking it to me. I wish you told me this BEFORE I wasn’t New Years hanging out with you :/ Well, whatever. New year, new me (minus Nate!)

VII. Questioning - Jan22

I just don’t know where I stand in the world right now.

I’m sitting here, on my couch, crying more than I have in a long time because I am so afraid that my parents won’t love me no matter what.

I was born into a faith, a life which was chosen and destined for me. Roman Catholicism would be my religion and that was the final word. As I grew up, with the influence of my environment and the people that I’ve come across throughout my years, I’ve slowly but surely come closer to finding who I am. And, with that, comes doubt. For a really long time now I’ve had so much doubt in my religion and so many questions and...it strikes me. What is the purpose of it all? I understand the reach it has for certain people; I understand the bond and importance of this religion and its impact on so many lives. But, I just don’t know if I believe in it all. I mean, of course, I think I do. But, was I just conditioned to think that way? Is this all the culmination of my whole life being surrounded and pushed into this lifestyle? I’m so lost and have so many questions.

Less than twenty minutes ago, I asked my parents if I could skip church this week to study. I have so much homework because of the musical and I still have a shift pretty soon. Of course, my dad freaks out.

I understand that I have amazing parents who are completely not strict on me at all and I am so thankful for my freedom that’s been allotted to me. But, what struck me was when I almost made my dad cry when I said that I feel no spiritual connection in going to church anymore. “This isn’t how we raised you,” he said, voice painfully cracking. He walked away to get some water. I just didn’t know what to say. Because it was true. It was the full disclosure: I don’t understand why church is important for me to prove my faith. Why is there more importance placed on this one hour of the week then actively trying to spend time with me or get to know me.

I want my parents to know me: know what music I like and how much I love it, know my political views and why and just take time to understand instead of debate against it. I want to have dinner with my parents again because I just have not been home this entire year. I study so hard and I just...I’m missing part of myself to this.

What struck me during my tear-driven talk with my parents was when my dad said something about “non-negotiable” and I was hurt. “Religion is non-negotiable?” I’ve known for years now that I wasn’t planning on attending church in college, but I’ve never said it out loud.

I think that before you further your spiritual connection at things like church and mass, you have to establish your connections here on Earth. Show activism in your connections to people, show you care, and strengthen that before you try and “prove” it in a setting like church. I think that one hour does not define you and that you can be a fantastic person and Christian without it. I think I want to work on being a better person first. Of course, Catholicism helps in matters of after-life...faith of a world after this one. But, how can that work of there’s not importance placed on the life we have now?

There is nothing more that I value than what my parents think of me and I never want to disappoint them-- one could argue that that is my first priority. But, it comes at a price because I find myself sacrificing who I am to serve this false facade, giving them the perfect image of the daughter that they raised the “right way”...

I’m still lost and don’t really know where I stand on this. I don’t know. And I don’t think I have to have all the answers, at least not yet.