#(don't know who the fuck to tackle first anymore)

[soysaucevictim]

Yeah... just needed to make vent art.

[chrissv4mp]

— I COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE -

chap 1 , get that girl. — | — ...back — | — next...

summary: the interaction at the diner hasn't left his thoughts, and chris just can't help himself when it comes to your beautiful presence, so he follows you home.

pairing: stalker!chris sturniolo × singer!reader

warnings + topics: cursing, stalking, murder, weapons, blood, obsessive behavior, suggestive moments, breaking & entering, crying, arguments, chris is crazy, choking, drowning, first person, second person, etc. more than half of these topics are mentioned in later chapters.

author's note: if the person reading this is sensitive to any of the topics listed above, please do not read this. i am not responsible for your own media consumption, and will not change any aspect of the story for your own pleasure. (this will be the last time i will state this, please scroll if you're not comfortable.)

author's note 2: he's giving joe goldberg!! this chapter is written mainly in 1st person, & the first half is chris' perspective! i'll clarify that throughout the story.

author's note 3: you guys are getting this a little earlier because i couldn't wait to post it🗣🗣

word count: 2.8k

why are you walking home alone, y/n? it's not safe out here, especially late at night. what if some creep tries to attack you? i know you're smarter than that.

and you're on your phone, clearly unaware of what's going on around you. you're lucky i'm here to keep you safe. i'll always be.

i reach behind my back, grabbing my hood to throw it over my head. if she saw that i was the one following her, she probably wouldn't watch me anymore. she would think i'm a weirdo.

i hear her laugh, and god, i wish that sound could just repeat in my head for a lifetime. it's such a sweet, soft sound, just like her personality. sweet.

"jamie, don't be such a dick. you know the deadline is coming soon and we have to finish the album." i hear her say, and i can't help but flinch at the sudden noise.

who is she talking to? who is jamie, and why is he being a dick to her? nobody should ever even speak a filthy word to her let alone treat her badly, she's such an angel.

her head turns, and i finally get a glimpse of her earbuds. she can't hear me. no wonder why she hasn't turned back every time i step on the gravelly sidewalk. it's such an annoying sound, always calling me out.

y/n sighs, rubbing her temple with one hand as her free one holds the phone up to her ear, "it's like you don't even care if we descend the charts! maybe ask yourself why you're doing this before you go and screw everything up."

she's tense, i can tell from the way she groans under her breath. i can hear jamie's voice, it's quiet but i can make out what he's saying.

something about rerecording background vocals and going over lyrics again. then, he says something inaudible, and now y/n is on video call with him.

she taps a button, and now i can hear him loud and clear, "just listen to this, it really needs some touch-ups."

i can see his face from the way y/n is holding her phone, and suddenly his eyebrows furrow and he looks directly at me.

the music pauses, and y/n stops in her tracks. she's in the middle of the crosswalk, and i'm just a few feet behind her.

"y/n... who is that?" my eyes widen as i realize he's talking about me. she only laughs nervously, shrugging the uncomfortable feeling off.

don't look back, "stop fucking around and just show me the chorus." she huffs out, another laugh leaving her plump lips.

his eyes are still on me through that screen, and i just continue to walk, hoping that my cover won't be blown.

"no, y/n, look behind you. there's a man following you!" he finally yells, and i curse under my breath as i hear y/n's breathing pick up.

her head whips around, and that's when i panic. fuck, why did her house have to be so far away? damn you, jamie.

my first thought is to just rush her, tackle her to the floor and throw her phone on the ground, but i don't because that would result in hurting her. so, i take the second best option, running to my right and into some bushes.

i hear y/n scream from behind me, and then i hear her footsteps finally run off the crosswalk and across the street. my foot gets caught on a stick, and i fall face first into the dirt.

my knees hit the ground, and i groan at the sharp pain of rocks on my flesh. my hands sunk into the mud beneath me, getting the hem of my sweatshirt sleeves dirty, "dude, what the fuck?"

i stand up again, shaking my hands out in front of me in hopes of getting the mud off. some of it does, and a small amount of damage is repaired, but there's still cuts and bruises forming on my lower half.

my eyes wander, looking down at my bloodied knees. why did i even wear jorts today? it's boston, it's not supposed to be hot after 6 pm.

my hands clench into fists, and anger begins to boil under my skin. it feels like it's 90° now, snd i just want to punch something. why do my plans always fucking fail? no matter what i do, the outcome is horrible.

not this time. no, i'm not gonna let this silly little thing mess up my plan. this is just a setback, and there's always downs in life, don't let it get the best of you, chris.

"breathe." i mutter, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths. i wish matt was here, he would know what to do. he would console me and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

he would tell me to keep going, get the girl. and that's exactly what i'm gonna do, whether jamie likes it or not. because this is just a minor setback, nothing will stop me from getting y/n. no one will stop me.

"you're starrin' in my dreams,

in magazines,"

it's the next day, and now matt is dabbing the large cut on me with a cotton ball. the hydrogen peroxide stings, and i flinch as he puts a bit more pressure.

"matt!" i groan, reaching for his hand. he swats mine away, looking up into my eyes with a stern expression.

i shut my mouth and just look away, trying not to focus on the pain too much as my brother pushes it against my knee. i hear him let out a long sigh, and then my attention is back on him.

he gives me a knowing look, and then he speaks, "what'd you do this time?" my eyebrows furrow in offense. i never do anything, it's not always my fault.

i scoff, looking around at anything but matt. how could i explain that i was following the love of my life, that doesn't know she's the love of my life yet, home, and then got caught and threw myself into some bushes? he would think i'm a maniac, and that's the last thing i want my older brother to think of me as.

"i tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. it was hugeee, matt, you really should've seen it." way to go, chris, that's so believable.

he shrugs, a smile coming to his face as he laughs, "i'm not even surprised." that was very believable, chris. way to go!

"not surprised is crazy." nick chimes in, and both mine and matt's heads whip up in the direction of his voice.

he's leaning against the door frame of my bedroom, a smug smirk on his face as he squints his eyes to see my knees better, "wow, chris, who pushed you off the slide?"

i just flip him off, they're treating me like a child. i'm smarter than that, i'm tougher than the both of them. well, maybe not nick, but i'm close!

"actually go choke." i groan, throwing myself back against the mattress as disappointment washes over me. if i had just thought before i followed y/n then maybe i would know where she lived, and whoever the fuck jamie is. such a snitch.

matt peels the plastic seal from the bandaid, and then he sticks it onto the cut on my knee. he inhales sharply before getting to his feet again, "alright, you're fine now. take the bandaid off when it stop bleeding, 'kay?"

i only hum in response, my emotions all over the place and getting the best of me. this entire situation is so idiotic and childish, i don't need a bandaid.

nick walks out after matt, making sure to shut the door. wow, he's finally learned after all the times i've scolded him about not closing it.

there's still mud in the crevices between my fingers and under my nails. it's uncomfortable in more than one way. i just want the memory of that night to be gone, erased from my memory for my entire life.

but i'm not ever gonna forget it, and it's gonna be hard to forget when the girl i want is a constant reminder of that incident. it's whatever, though. in the end it will pay off, all the things i'll do for her attention will pay off. i know it will.

my feet begin to swing as they dangle off the edge of my bed, and then they hit something. i finally sit up straight, looking down at where my feet are planted. the box, that box full of magazines and letters, prints and various drawings of y/n.

i look toward my door before grabbing the box and placing it on my bed softly. my fingers hook under the top, and it falls to the side, revealing your face on the covers of multiple magazines.

i never missed a day when rolling stone, variety, and even vogue came out with new magazines that featured y/n on the covers and in all of the pages inside. i even bought some that had her on only a single page, then i cut them out and threw it in here.

nobody could call themselves y/n's biggest fan with me still alive. they don't know her like i do, even if we just met for the first time on—no, even if we just reconnected for the first time in forever yesterday.

"pretty girl." i whisper. even if she can't hear, i know she knows that. she's the prettiest girl in the world, who wouldn't compliment her?

i grab the first magazine, my eyes darting all around her beautiful body and facial features before putting it to the side and admiring the next one. it should be a crime to be this gorgeous, she shouldn't even be allowed outside.

what if something happens to the girl? her security wouldn't care, but i would. the things i'd do for that girl i can't even explain. i don't need her love for that, though, because i can just protect her even when she's not watching. i need her love because that is the only thing that keeps me going.

her interviews where she says how much she loves and appreciates her fans, that keeps me going. that night at the diner when she said she watched my videos, oh, that's gonna keep me up for a long time.

who would've known that night would take a turn because i sure didn't. i thought it would go smoothly and that i would make it all the way to her home, surprise her. but no, it went horribly all because of that fucking dipshit jamie.

he's the one who ruined our romantic walk, he's the one who ruined my chances of getting her to fall for me. jamie ruined everything, and fuck, i just want to strangle him until his head pops. i just want to watch him as he gets ruined, as his life gets ruined in front of the entire world.

i don't even realize that i'm crushing a page of her magazine until i hear a crunch, and now suddenly, i'm back in my room as i stare at her beautiful, crushed face. panic spikes in my heart, and my free hand comes up in an effort to smoothen down the paper like it was before. no, this was a special magazine, it couldn't be ruined.

my breathing hitches, and i huff out as i just throw it back into the box. my hand reaches for the other one, and i place it gently atop of the crumpled paper before closing the box and setting it under my bed again.

i kick it further under the bed frame until i hear it hit the wall with a quiet thud, and then i let out a breath that i didn't know i'd been holding in. i'm letting my anger get a hold of me again, just like it almost did last night.

"deep breaths, chris. just breath." i tell myself, grabbing the sheets and running my thumbs along the fabric as i breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.

if i let anger get the best of me i'll ruin my plan for y/n, and then she'll never want to speak to me or even see me again.

"you're looking right at me."

pov = second person...

you smile at the boy across from you, giggling at the stupid knock knock joke he had just told you, "that wasn't even funny, it's just your laugh, jamie!"

he scoffs in faux offense, putting a hand to his chest as he takes a sip of his coffee. before speaking again, he swallows, "don't try to convince yourself that i'm not the funniest guy you've ever met."

you only roll your eyes at the blond, looking away from him to admire your surroundings. you and your producer came to this small coffee shop to talk about work and how you both needed to finish the last few songs on your upcoming album before the deadline, and now here you were, laughing at his jokes.

jamie felt like a brother to you, being there for all your highs and lows all throughout these past few years as you grew on the charts. he was always by your side, protecting you from crazy fans and even crazier haters. jamie also treated you like a member of his family, and he said that he'd protect you with his life.

the laughing dies down, and then you hear him sigh. your head turns to look at the boy again, and his eyes meet yours in an instant, "i hope you're being safe out there, y/n. seriously."

your face contorted into a look of happiness and maybe even guilt as you tilted your head, "i promise you i am."

"what about last night, then? you could've gotten kidnapped if it wasn't for me pointing out that creep. he was most definitely following you home, y/n!" he exclaimed, quiet enough that nobody else could hear but loud enough that only you could.

a look of worry was on his face, an expression that you hadn't seen that much of lately. he really was scared for you, especially in the last few months. you were growing in popularity fast, climbing up the charts every week or so.

at your silence, jamie exhaled, "sorry for snapping, you just... you keep me on my toes at all times, and sometimes i don't know what to say." he gives a smile full of sympathy before he takes another sip of his coffee.

you nod, eyes wandering again as you mutter, "it's okay." you knew all he wanted was the best for you, "i should've just gone to liv's apartment. the walk to my place was further than i thought."

your eyes darted all over the small plaza, looking around at all of the different people that walked by. one person in particular caught your eye, and you stared for just a little longer.

chris stared right back at you, hair covering his face along with his black fresh love hoodie. he found you again, and this time he wasn't gonna fuck up.

he saw the way your eyebrows furrowed even from the fountain across from the cafe, and he laughed at your concentrated look. you were trying to figure out who that was.

the brunette couldn't lie, he was a bit jealous of your producer. i mean, he was sitting right across from you and making you laugh. chris should be the guy who makes you laugh!

he'd been watching no less than 15 minutes as you both chatted, cheeks flushing at your perfect smile and beautiful, silky hair that fell over your shoulder just right.

maybe his obsession had grown after that night, but he wasn't some deranged stalker who tracked your every move. that would be insane, and chris would never put himself under that category. maybe.

chris cursed as jamie's head turned in the direction of chris, and the brunette just turned and quickly walked away. his brothers were probably wondering where he was, and the vlog would have to be scrapped if only 2 of them were in it.

jamie's eyebrows furrowed again, and he stood up and quickly grabbed your hand, "we're going, y/n. now."

as he dragged you out of the cafe, you couldn't help but think. who was that mystery guy? was he the guy from last night? why was he following you?

you had so many questions, and yet there were no answers to any of them. not quite yet, anyway. you were gonna have to wait for the right time, and chris had the whole thing planned out already. you'd just have to be patient.

comment to be on the series taglist!

@livialifesblog @fratbrochrisgf @spideylovin @1800-love-me @ginswife

@strnlxlqve @joemamaaa42069 @mirioosos @ladyy-whistle-d0wn @snowysosturn

@dej4vhs @zayyluvz @slut4chriss @h3arts4harry @str4wberryk1ss3s

@riasturns @yurpppppy @nwlluvsturnsstars17 @asimp4chris @byneptunee

@ilove2021chris

[singstaircase]

Walking into your dagger for the very last time– Pedri

summary: At seven, Pedri wondered if soulmates truly exist. He didn't expect to find his in seven years through the virtual world. Or in which Pedri meets someone in a video game lobby and shenanigan ensues

Contains: fluff, little bit of angst, not a happy ending, mentions of feeling lonely, the pandemic, injuries

this ended up being more Pedri centric then I imagined. Obviously some stuff are made up because I don't know Pedri. Enjoy!!!

Pedri is thirteen years old the first time he gets into an argument with his manager, and it feels like the worst thing in the world.

Football is everything to him, so why can't the coach understand? Why can't his coach see that?

He would've been fine if it was just another league game – hell, he would've accepted not playing or even losing, if it was just another league game. But it was Copa de Campeones final! His sole chance of being in Europe.

So what if he accidentally injured himself while making a tackle? So what if the medical team thinks he should rest?

So fucking what? At thirteen, football is his lifeline. Why can't his manager just understand? 

***

So, Pedri does what any teen forced to sit out and watch his team lose a final would do; lock himself in his bedroom and play one video game he would not play in any other circumstance. CS:GO (Counter-Strike: Global Offense) with strangers from God knows where.

Pedri knows he'll regret staying up this late but he doesn't care. That's for future Pedri to worry about. His focus now is on shooting strangers in the virtual world and he'd be lying if he says he isn't enjoying this.

***

It's past midnight and he waits in the lobby, pondering.

Thinking if his coach was serious about not playing him anymore and about so much more which doesn't help at all to ease his sudden spike in nervousness about the future and what it holds.

Someone with the gamer tag [Username] joins to complete the lobby. Pedri's certain he'll forget about them tomorrow, like everyone else.

***

Pedri has a natural talent for many things; football, disappointing his manager and as of now– playing CSGO; he realizes that as the game progresses.

Except for one round, where he lets his mind wander somewhere else and nearly ruins it for everyone. Fortunately for him, his saviour comes in the form of one stranger from who-knows-where, one who Pedri was sure he'd forget about.

Pedri likes them immediately. Unknowingly. Subconsciously. He feels an immediate connection with his mystery saviour for some strange reason. 

"Thanks for saving my ass out there [Username]," he blurts out with haste, ready to log off. 

And the reply comes a voice, a little clipped and barely audible to anyone else but clear as bells to Pedri's ears.

"You're welcome," before the mic goes silent again. Those to simple words would go on to shatter every single plan Pedri never made about his life trajectory and throw them into the gutter.

He doesn't know it yet but this'll be simultaneously the best and most painful thing that would ever happened to him.

Pedri ends up saving the gamer tag of his saviour stranger and reaches out whenever he needs someone to play with or fill the lobby.

Or that is what he tells himself.

Sometimes he invites them when he has a bad game or another argument with his manager. At times just because. And to Pedri's surprise, the stranger responds to his 'pleas' almost every time.

A part of him is happy that they don't ignore him. Yet, another part underneath the surface is also scared that one day, this stranger he's growing fond of, will leave him without saying goodbye and he'll be left to his own again.

Deep inside him there's a creature that won't show up in x-rays, one that is always trying to protect Pedri's soul.

One that has been urging him to finally properly talk to this stranger, make a deeper connection. Something that will stay forever. Perhaps a friendship that will transcend lifetimes. Maybe something even more…?

And today he finally surrenders to those thoughts in his mind.

Today his manager told him he won't be playing for a while. The worst that could happen at this point in his life, happened. He has nothing to lose now and he's never been more sure of it.

Today, with the news that he'd be sidelined, Pedri finally acts on his long-held impulse. 

***

Pedri does it. He actually does it, uncertain if it's the correct decision. He sends the message, heart pounding, and anxiously waits for a reply.

Or not. He doesn't know. Maybe they finally got fed up with him. Maybe they don't care enough to reply.

A small sound emits from the computer, signifying a new message.

⊙ [Sir González] Wanna be friends

⊙ [Username] Sure, why not?

At fourteen years old, Pedri wonders, for the very first time, if it's possible to be friends with someone living thousands of miles away.

The thing about friendship is… sometimes you don't know when it started.

Pedri can't pinpoint when he and his stranger became friends.

If you were to ask Pedri when and how he formed this connection, he won't answer. Because he can't, he doesn't have answers to those questions.

But Pedri knows this is a friendship, he has a friend, be it in the virtual realm. He looks forward to talking to them through messages, cherishes playing with them everyday.

The possibility of gaining a friend through the screen isn't something Pedri ever considered, but he isn't going to complain.

One afternoon after training, he finds himself with a long list of notifications from his online friend. His stranger friend soon makes a habit of sharing their every passing thought to him.

He was taken aback the first time, but just like eagerly waiting for them each day after school or training, Pedri soon makes reading them an integral part of his life.

Sometimes fifty messages at once wait for him, sometimes ten with varying amounts of exclamation and capslock.

By June, he realizes his days without those messages feel incomplete. It has become a tradition for him to lock himself in his bedroom and seek comfort from those messages.

There's no denying this strangter is Pedri's best friend in the whole universe. He yearns to know more and more about them; what they like, where they live, do they see him the same way he does?

However, he can't quite answer their questions the same way, with the same enthusiasm.

Pedri is afraid; afraid they might judge him, or worse, ignore him if they learn more about him. They seem to understand that and he's grateful. But at some point, the stranger friend becomes cautious and quiet. 

⊙ [Username] today was fun. Same time tomorrow?

⊙ [Sir González] yeah. I will message you if I have time.

⊙ [Username] Sure, no problem. By the way, what do you do half of the day lol

⊙ [Sir González] I... I can't answer that. I am so sorry.

The moment those green dots turn gray, a sudden expected pain takes over Pedri's entire body. The reply comes after a painful five minutes of silence from the other side.

⊙ [Username] I understand. Talk you later then.

Today might be the day they reach their wits' end, he fears. And in impulse, he makes a significant decision.

Parting away from this could mean a goodbye, one that he's not willing to say. Not yet. Never.

⊙ [Sir González] Pedri.

⊙ [Username] ???

⊙ [Sir González] My name, it's Pedri. You can call me Pedri if you want.

This is the most vulnerable Pedri has ever been in his fourteen years of life and he can only pray that his friend doesn't leave and now. 

⊙ [Username] Pedri. Perfectly suits you. Well Pedri, talk to you soon then. And my name is (Name). You call me that if you want :)

Later that night

2018

Things were going well, too well– he should've recognized that as the first warning of what was about to come.

He was becoming closer than ever with (Name), he was in his coach's good graces again and best of all– he was actually starting matches and doing well.

It just had to happen now.

***

The x-ray results came back worse than he had feared.

To be honest, he doesn't understand much of it but one look at the doctors, their pitiful look and guilty expression, said everything left unsaid.

He isn't a doctor but even he knows he words 'Hamstring', 'Ligament', 'ACL', and 'Torn' being in the same sentence can never mean anything good.

***

His phone flooded with notifications, finds Pedri in his room amidst distant noise.

Maybe it's his mother shouting at him not to slam doors like that, or perhaps it's the nagging creature inside that only knows how to make everything worse.

A single notification comes through, chiming, and illuminating the dark room as he's about to switch it to silent and throw it on the floor.

***

If it was anyone else, Pedri would just ignore and most definitely not talk to them for a long while. The last thing he needs now is pity. Pitying won't convince La liga clubs to sign him.

But he knows (Name) doesn't mean pity, they are just concerned. They radiate care, not fake sympathy. 

He copies the number. He writes the number.  He presses 'Call'.

Heart thumping, Pedri anxiously awaits a voice from the other side. "What the fuck am I doing," he sighs, running a hand through his hair. But just as he's about to put the phone down,

"Pedri?" He hears someone say faintly.

"Hey, (Name)." The name comes out like a prayer from his mouth.

"Hi," they say like a sigh, like a burden had just been lifted from them.

"So..um I have no idea how to comfort you because I don't have friends who play professional football," the nervous laughter on the other side is melodic and that is the moment Pedri learns even laughter can be a powerful weapon.

"But I just want to say it's going to get better, okay? I know this might seem like the end of the world now but it gets worse before it gets better."

There is a slight delay for a moment. "Wait no that sounded too depressing," mutters (Name). "Ignore me please. I have no idea what I'm saying."

Pedri smiles, even though he knows (Name) can't see him. "I get what you meant, don't worry. Thank you. It means more than you realize." The smile in his voice very clear, even to someone a thousand miles away. 

"Pedri?" He hums in response, barely audible. 

"I am here for you. Always."

Biting his lips, Pedri contemplates on adding the next bit. And in the next breath he says, "Love you (Name)."

His statement is met with silence. He waits and nothing comes. That feels worse than being told he sounded embarrassing.

"Oh," (Name) says, sounding cautious and confused. Pedri feels the singe of embarrassment. He starts to laugh nervously, ready to make excuse.

In the next moment, however, all the air in his lung rushed out in one breath. 

"Love you too Pedri," (Name) says. "Talk to you tomorrow, hm?" His heart skips.

"Yeah, talk to you tomorrow," he mumbles. 

Closing his eyes, Pedri holds dearly onto those four words, letting them settle in his heart, knowing he has found something truly precious in the most unexpected of places.

***

The same night, Pedri receives confirmation from the club– it's not as bad as they feared; a grade two hamstring tear. He'll only be out for four to eight weeks.

On that very same night, Pedri learns Las Palmas will sign him in July no matter what, and Pepe Mel, the coach, is willing to promote him to the first team, even at just sixteen.

That night, He dreams of the champions league, of being in Berlin and celebrating with a faceless companion.

2019

Pedri is sixteen the first time he contemplates quitting football to do something meaningful in life.

It's been a month since he signed for Las Palmas, two months since he started a game and four months since he last won a game.

The preseason game that he did started, shattered his confidence, leaving him questioning his place in football. And the persistent, nagging creature inside him is now whispering louder than ever, urging him to consider a different path.

Maybe he should quit football altogether. He is still young, there's still time to turn his life around, get a degree and a normal job in the future. Live a normal, ordinary life like most of the people of the world. 

"Pedri watch out!"

He jumps at the sudden voice, almost falling down from his chair. He blinks to register what's on his screen, seeing the avatar of (Name) crouching in front of him.

"Pedri?" The concern in (Name)'s voice makes Pedri sit up.

He sinks back to his chair. Yet, again, he let his mind wander into the depths of self-doubt and ruin the amusement for everyone. He's convinced he has a knack for turning every moment sour.

"Sorry I zoned out," he mumbles. The groan in everyone else's voice confirms his self-loathing. 

"I think that's enough for Pedri and I today. How about–" The voice of (Name) goes on on the other side gently.

Pedri can't comprehend the words being spoken but the sharp focus on their voice does wonder to soothe his racing heart.

It sounds harmonious, and soul soothing. 

"Bye guys!" (Name) calls out at the end, their voice fading as others start to leave, bringing his focus on his screen again.

It's just (Name) and Pedri now, once again. A familiar comfort. 

"You did very well today, Pedri," (Name) says, wholeheartedly. The sincere praise washes over Pedri, filling him with an electric rush.

The sensation in his chest resembles a cold rush. It's as if their voice is a gust of arctic wind sweeping through his heart, leaving behind a trail of shivers that dance along his spine.

Watching the green dots turn gray, Pedri's room seems to glow with the echoes of (Name)'s words through his phone. 

(Name) 💘 Hey How did your training go?

Pedri 🌟 Shit but is it surprising anymore?

(Name) 💘 :(

Pedri 🌟 I am thinking about quitting football and doing something meaningful for once. I mean I am still young so....

(Name) 💘 WHAT THE FUCK DON'T SAY THAT. Football is meaningful because it means something to you!

Pedri 🌟 I don't know anymore (Name)...

(Name) 💘 Tell me do you feel happy when you play football?

Pedri 🌟 The happiest.

(Name) 💘 Then don't about that. It's not going to be easy, no good thing comes easily. But You are such a great player at sixteen already, just imagine how great you could be when you are 21?! But that won't happen if you quit now. It's not going to be easy but I know you can do it Pedri. You will make it, I just know it.

Pedri 🌟 No one has told me I'll make it except my parents.

(Name) 💘 I'd be upset if you were parents weren't supportive. Pedri, you will play in the Champions League, you will win trophies and you will make it. All you have to do is have hope and you'll be 50% there, work for it and you'll be 100% there.

Pedri 🌟 You think so?

(Name) 💘 I know so.

Pedri 🌟 I will dedicate my first goal in champions league to you. I promise.

(Name) 💘 That's the spirit! And I'll hold onto that promise, González. Even if things go shit, I will be here for you, Pedri. Always :).

Pedri is sixteen the last time he entertains the idea of quitting football to do something meaningful. In the gentle guidance of (Name)'s words, he finds the meaning he was searching for all along.

September, 2019

As he put the phone down, a warmth spread through Pedri's chest, and he couldn't help but wonder, Is this what it feels like to be truly cherished?

November, 2019

It felt as if his own eyes were betraying him. But it is the truth, Pedri will meet (Name) soon. The thought of playing right before (Name), finally being in their presence, fills him with an unexplainable euphoria.

This is not going to be one of his dreams anymore, this will be his reality in due time.

He is going to meet (Name) soon. And he can't wait.

March, 2020

Sometimes there comes moments in your life when you can just sense something is about to go wrong.

That day when Pedri woke up, he could tell something was about to go wrong. He had that sinking feeling. And turning his TV on, he knew why.

The Spanish borders are set to be closed for the next 15 days but given the state of the world, it's almost certain to be extended.

It is the right decision, Pedri has no doubt about that. But that doesn't stop the feelings of disappointment in him.

In his heart, Pedri holds tight onto the belief that everything will be alright; he has to have faith that their paths are destined to cross.

He has to.

December, 2021

This is not how it was supposed to go.

One minute, (Name) was happily engrossed in their work, content with the news of Pedri's goal. And in the next moment, all they hear is silence.

Then chaos.

Words like 'down', 'heavy tackle', 'unconscious' are being thrown around in relation to Pedri. (Name)'s heart drops.

Rushing to the room, they barely catch sight of Pedri being taken away in a stretcher on the TV screen.

(Name) 💘

Pedri are you okay?? Are you hurt? God that's such a stupid question. Please let me know how you are. I love you.

It seems silly to expect Pedri to reply. After all, he was just taken away in a stretcher, of course he won't answer right away.

But (Name) can't stop themselves from calling him. In the voice message after the dial tone, they leave a message; praying and just praying Pedri will be alright.

***

An hour later, notifications from their phone catches (Name)'s attention. It's from Pedri.

Or rather, from his number. 

Pedri 🌟 Hello. I am Ansu Fati, Pedri's friend. You must (Name).

(Name) 💘 Oh. Hello.

Pedri 🌟

So you are Pedri's friend from the other side.

(Name) 💘 I guess?

Pedri 🌟 Well (Name), Pedri's currently going through some medical procedures, don't worry though. He is in good hands. He'll be back soon, (Name)

(Name) can only have hope that Ansu's words would proven to be true.

***

Rest of the day is spent restlessly scrolling and refreshing every and any social media they have, hoping for something, anything regarding Pedri.

For now it's all the same news being repeated by everyone; a player violently tackled Pedri, causing him to lose his balance and hit his head on the goal post. The medical team soon intervened and he was taken to hospital for further checkups.

(Name)'s heart beats restlessly. Is Pedri alright? It looked like a nasty hit and from what they've been reading, he was bleeding too.

Was he hurting too much? Was he in too much pain? God, why did this have to happen to him or anyone? Is he–

The ringing of the phone breaks (Name)'s chain of thought. Seeing the caller, they swiftly answer, not wasting a single moment.

"Hello? Pedri, are you okay?" Those words, breathlessly, comes out of them but the voice that returns on the other end isn't the one (Name) was hoping for.

"Um..hello, I am Ansu Fati. You are (Name), right? It's a pleasure to finally talk to you. Pedri has talked a lot about you."

Their chest tightens. The disappointment and sadness that they feel at it not being Pedri is unmatched. But (Name) has to stay strong now, if not for themselves then for Pedri.

"Uh, yes. Nice to talk to you too, Ansu. Pedri has told me a lot about you too, but I wish we were talking in better circumstances."

"Me too," Ansu says sadly. "I actually called you to let you know that Pedri is awake now. Since you've been so worried about him I wanted to ask, do you want to talk to him?"

(Name) instantly perks up at the news. They nod their head rapidly, before realizing that Ansu can't see them.

"Yes!" The feeling of embarrassment comes a moment later. Clearing their throat, (Name) says, "I mean, yes of course. I would love to talk to Pedri."

"I am sure Pedri would absolutely love to talk to you right now."

Heart thumping, (Name) spins the little marbles in a plastic container, waiting to hear from Pedri.

(Name) feels relieved to know Pedri has someone as thoughtful and kind as Ansu in his life.

***

Saying those words, Ansu hands the phone over to an eager Pedri who wastes no time in taking the call.

Faintly from the otherside, he hears (Name) asking Pedri about his health, in the same breath that Pedri asks them the same question. 

The gentleness in Pedri's voice while talking to (Name) brings a smile on Ansu's face.

This is the purest form of love he has seen and deciding not to disturb them, he leaves the room as quietly as possible, leaving Pedri and his friend to themselves.

***

When Ansu comes back later to check on Pedri, the sight he finds warms his heart.

Pedri is on his side, snoring softly with his phone by his side. The call to (Name) is still ongoing and Ansu can hear soft snores from the other side too.

Smiling to himself, he quietly removes the phone from Pedri's side and ends the call. Sending a quick message to a worrying Gavi and Araujo, he leaves the room smiling widely. 

Ansu is glad Pedri has someone as caring and loving as (Name) in his life.

***

In the weeks following,  Ansu, Pedri and (Name) fall into a routine.

Every night, Pedri and (Name) would have their daily calling sessions that continue until late, where both fell asleep while talking to each other. And every night, without fail, Ansu ends the call and leaves with a bright smile.

During the day, Ansu would message (Name), giving them updates about Pedri.

At first (Name) hesitated to call him. Their bestfriend is a famous footballer, so they shouldn't feel hesitant to make the call.

Especially since they feel like they basically know Ansu based on how much Pedri has talked about him. And after one call with him, all the hesitancy and dobuts were lifted. Pedri was right, Ansu Fati is really a sweet soul.

Neither know exactly when they started to enjoy talking to each other, but one afternoon, while talking and laughing about something that didn't necessarily have anything to do with Pedri, (Name) knew they had found another friend in Ansu Fati in this chaos.

February, 2022

Pedri 🌟 Hello! 👋

(Name) 💘 Oh hello. Sorry, I am out so I can't watch you play right now :(. But I thought you said you won't be online till 9? Xavi benched you?

Pedri 🌟 Oh yeah.

(Name) 💘 I am home now! I can finally watch you 😌

Pedri 🌟 DON'T.

(Name) 💘 ?? Pedri.... I just saw you get tackled on TV. Live.

Pedri 🌟 Funny thing you see....

(Name) 💘 Ah I see. This must mean you are one of Pedri's friends. So are you Gavi or Ferran?

Pedri 🌟 Ferran.

(Name) 💘 That makes you Gavi then. Hello Gavi. Nice to talk to you. Pedri has talked about you lot.

Pedri 🌟 Really?

(Name) 💘 mhm. You are the passenger princess!

Pedri 🌟 The....what?

(Name) 💘 Passenger princess. Someone who prefers being passenger. You don't know how many times I had to listen him rant about this 😩.

Pedri 🌟 😃

(Name) 💘 He's also talked about how great of a player and friend you are.

Pedri 🌟 He's talked a lot about you too!

(Name) 💘 He has?

Pedri 🌟 Hm. Shit, Pedri's seen me.

(Name) 💘 Oh no. Talk to you soon hopefully if you are found alive!

Pedri 🌟 Did you bother you? I swear to god this guy....

(Name) 💘 Pedri! I only watched the last 15 minutes but you were great! And did not. Gavi was quite lovely, actually.

Pedri 🌟 🥰. Are you sure? I can do something about it if it made you uncomfortable.

(Name) 💘 Oh my god Pedri, no don't do it. I appreciate it but he didn't do anything. Don't worry.

Pedri 🌟 If you say so. Shit i have to go now. Talk to you later love you ❤💙

(Name) 💘 Score more for me Love you too <3

April, 2022

Soon, Pedri will get to meet the person who made football special for him. He only has to wait till June. Only the months of April, May and June stand between Pedri and (Name).

June, 2022

A smile lit up (Name)'s face as they toss their phone onto the bed.

Tomorrow Pedri will be here, they will finally meet each other. Tomorrow is going to be the best day ever, (Name)'s certain.

But as is often the case, not everything goes in the way we envision.

June, 2022

Betrayal. 

That's all (Name) could hear and feel.

Is this what it feels to be lied to, to feel betrayed? 

(Name) blinks back the tears forming, taking a deep breath, and dialling Pedri's number for maybe the last time

Ending what they have is the right thing to do now, even if it hurts them both.

[icameheretoreadstuff]

Kinktober day 21 - Tickling

Pairing: Satoru Gojo x F!Reader Warnings: 18+ ! MDNI!, NSFW, Smut, Tickling, Public kinda ++ Summary: Playing hide and seek with a honry as fuck Gojo. A/N: masterpost & links is pinned on my tumblr.

You ran through the halls as you stopped infront of a room with couches. You and Satoru had a game going on, who could suprise tackle who and get the other person to laugh from tickling, wins. You were good at hiding in general but never from him ofcourse. But that didn't stop you from trying.

You climbed up to the roof and hid right over the entrance of the room, you closed the door halfway with your foot. You were close to fall down but you managed to stick close up on the roof. "I wonder where y/n is" he said dramatic as he opened the door. He sighed out loud but did not look up at you, He knew you were right above him but he wanted to toy with you a little first, ofcourse. "hm" he said and looked around him, "I wonder where y/n is?" he said and looked dramatically around him except up.

You couldn't keep being serious anymore so you jumped down on him "gottcha!" you giggled as you fell right into his arms, holding you bridal style. "You know, I never saw this one coming" he said Ironic. You giggled and tried to tickle him, He laughed and you jumped down from his arms and tried to run away but he ran after you and tackled you so you fell down on your back on the couch and he fell ontop of you. You laughed as you tried to shield yourself while he was tickling you, you couldn't stop laughing. "Okay, okay!" you almost yelled and tried to push him off, He leaned over you pinning you down. "I give up! I surrender, you win" you giggled. He laughed victorious as he grabbed your both hands and placed them over your head, He leaned on his elbow for support as he was pinning your hands down.

You froze as you gazed up at him, he was inches away from you and you could feel his boulder pressing against your clit causing you to let out a silent moan. He smirked as he moved his free hand and sofly stroked your chin, his thumb touched your underlip as he whispered into your lips "Are we done playing now?" He moved his hand and you instantly felt cold from his touch. "please don't stop" you whispered, He pushed his headband down so it hang around his neck.

You lost your breath as his beautiful blue eyes appeared, you looked into his eyes as your brain went blank and the only thing you could think about was his beautiful eyes and his body pinning you down on all the right places. "You don't want me to stop, huh?" He teased and grabbed your thigh causing your skirt to fall back and pushed his boulder into your thin layered clit.

He groaned feeling his clothed hard dick pressing against on your now wet seethrough panties. You let out a silent moan "Toru-ah" he wrapped his hand around your thigh and leaned down and whispered into your lips "do you wanna get caught?" he smirked, you whispered "you feel so good" He groaned as his lips crashed down on yours. His lips felt so addictive as he dryhumped into you.

His lips were soft and the kisses went fast to sloppy kisses as he groaned and dryhumped faster into you. "Take off your pants" you hummed between the kisses "I wanna feel you inside me please" You said and thrusted up into his boulder.

He groaned as he used his free hand and managed to open up the zipper and then he lifted his hip and dragged his pants down so his dick flew free. You looked down on his length and melted, His dick was unbalivable beautiful.

He grabbed your hips and drew you closer so you lied on your back, He grabbed your leg and placed it on his shoulder and the other around his thigh. He kneeled as he placed his tip outside of your clit, he melted and groaned loudly. "Please fuck me hard" you moaned. He grabbed your leg and held it as he thrusted his dick inside you causing you to moan loudly.

He smirked as he began to thrust inside you. You could hear his huffs and groans as your clit and his dick was making hot sounds. You moaned loudly as he grinds his pelvis against your clit. "ah-fuck" he groaned as you gripped his thigh.

His thrust was making you moan uncontrollably. He groaned "you feel so good" he huffed. You dragged up your shirt and exposed your breast. He groaned as he saw your breast jiggle with every thrust. "ah- fuck" he huffed while staring at your breasts. His pelvis was grinding so unbalivable good. You moaned as your breath began to feel deep and hurried, "cum for me pretty" he smirked as he thrusted harder into you, you moaned loudly feeling close "yeah, that's it" he cooed as you climaxed while moaning his name.

He slipped out and began to pump his dick "where do you want me" he said as he huffed. "Fuck my mouth" you said and crawled over to his dick, opening your mouth as he placed his dick inside your mouth. "ah- y/n" he huffed and held your hair into a ponytail and began to slowly thrust inside your mouth. "breathe through your nose" he huffed as he leaned his head back groaning loudly. You gripped his hips and bobbed your head eagerly "you're so hungry, huh" He groaned. You hummed as he climaxed deep into your throat. As he slipped out, you swallowed and bit your underlip playfully, looking up at him.

He collapsed on the couch as he tried to catch his breath. You stood up from the couch as you cleaned yourself up. He dragged up his pants while looking at you. "You know" you said as you looked at him teasingly "My panties are all wet, so I'm gonna go and take them off" you smirked at him and turned around to walk out the door. He smirked and raised up from the couch, You turned as you stood in the doorway "you coming?"

[leikeliscomet]

Thoughts on Umbrella Academy's Ending and What it Says About Abuse - SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4 AHEAD

(A Mini Essay If You Will)

What makes the ending of The Umbrella Academy devastating, and I mean an absolute tragedy isn't that just the characters we love are gone, but that they genuinely don't mean anything.

Luther started as the boy that did everything right but still wasn't enough for his father. He ended up repeating the cycle by feeling like he had to take control of every situation. He eventually lived life for himself, found Sloane and put his wants and needs first for the first time in his life after being raised to think his needs never mattered.

Diego felt like he was a 2nd fiddle, almost literally, and felt like he had to prove himself to Reggie. He took his inferiority out on everyone else. He finally realised he was good enough and didn't need his father's validation anymore. He became the father his father never was. He finally realised he was good enough.

Allison felt insecure and that she had to manipulate people into getting what and who she wanted. She finally made peace without those things and people and reconnected with her daughter after losing custody all those years ago. She finally became the mother she always wanted to be. She wanted to earn things by herself and she did.

Klaus spent his whole life haunted (almost literally) by his own failures. He worked so hard to get sober and he did. After feeling like the most useless member of the team his whole childhood, he mastered his powers and realised his own strengths, after living his life thinking he had none.

Five felt held back and not pushed enough. He blamed his siblings for holding him back and thought he was better than them. After apocalypse after apocalypse he realised he couldn't do it alone. He convinced himself he preferred being alone because he was scared to be vulnerable. He finally got what he wanted. A family. A community.

Ben's life ended before it even really began, but he at least got to see his siblings grow and develop without him. Sparrow Ben lost everyone both emotionally and physically. He had everything he wanted and still lost it all. With Jennifer, for once in his life, there was something, someone, he didn't need to prove himself or win at. He found someone that accepted him for him.

Viktor was neglected his whole life and was the constant outsider. He bottled up everything inside to the point of destruction of himself and of others. He finally accepted himself fully. His skills, his transition, his relationships, his life. He finally got the confidence and closure he needed to move on and be fulfilled.

Lila was haunted from the start in a cycle of murder and manipulation. She continued that cycle because she wasn't taught anything else. She was so scared she'd be like the Handler when she became a mother, but she didn't. She loved them in ways she was never loved. She got the family she always dreamed of.

Every single character despite the abuse they suffered still got closure and peace in their own way. They all grew. They all matured. They all thrived after being told that they never would.

And the show says this doesn't matter. They don't matter. They don't deserve to exist. They're all the problem. They will always be problems. They'll never escape their trauma. They will always be nothing but the byproducts of their abuse. They'll never be anything else but that. And because of that, none of them should live. And that's fucking horrifying. Despite this mess of an ending and the rasclart messaging it sends, I'll never see these characters as inherent problems or evils. I know they're not angels either but that was never the point. As Five once said, there are no good guys and bad guys, just people living their lives. Trauma messes shit up. Things get messy and complicated. In this show, or at least season 1, they were brave enough to tackle that mess. They all had the chance. They all all had potential. And we all saw it all. Don't forget that. The characters may be gone, but that potential was there. It was real. It existed.

[mapisgf]

WE NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE

Today you had training. You actually hadn’t seen Viv in a week with the international break and the fact that you were avoiding her. You told yourself you didn’t need to see her, you were just friends you didn’t need her but you had come to the realization that you did miss her you missed her so much that when you thought about her you felt this weird feeling in your stomach. You were on the pitch warning up alone when you were told to get into pairs you saw Viv making her way to you but before she could get close to you you called Leah over. Viv was upset but as she looked between the two of you all you saw on her face was anger. Usually you liked that but you felt guilty right now. After a long training session you were left in the locker room alone or so you thought.

“What’s wrong with you ?” You turned around to see Viv had on her hips looking down at you.

“Nothing, I just felt like switching partners today. We don't have to do everything together.” As you said that you regretted it and the way she looked at you made you feel even worse.

“You're right we don’t so don’t bother coming over.” You called after her trying to explain but all you could do was cry and the only person who could help you deal with your feelings was gone.

Time skip YAY

You were just subbed on into the 57th minute getting a pat on your pack from everyone except the one person you wanted to get any kind of attention from. You were playing well, everything was going right until you received a harsh tackle. You fell to the floor holding your ankle. You put your arm on your head blocking everyone out until you felt someone move your hand.

“Liefde are you okay.” All you could do was shake your head. Nothing major was wrong but they took you off as a precaution. All you could think about was how she was the first person there.

You were at home in your own bed Leah being the wonderful friend she was, drove you home even though you were fine just a minor sprain you would be back in two weeks. But all you could think about was Viv and she wasn’t answering any of your phone calls so you did the only logical thing you could do drive to her house.

You knocked on her door she opened it and there you were a nervous mess

“Please let me in.” She sighed

“I’m only doing this because I don’t want you to hurt your ankle any more.” She grabbed your hand and pulled you inside. “Also if you think I’m going to fuck you think again.”

You walked up to her and put your hands on her face. She turned the other way not wanting to look at you. “I don’t want that I mean I do but not now. I just want you Vivianne I want to be with you all the time.”

“But you’ve been avoiding me all week.” She was looking at you now but she’d tKen a few steps back.

“I know I just needed some space to find a way to tell you I didn’t want to do this anymore. I want us to be together.”

She didn’t say anything, just looked down at the floor.

“I understand if you don’t want us to be together I hope we can still be friends.”

“No”

“No, what do you mean no ?”

“Come here Liefde.” You stood in front of her and she wrapped her arms around you.

“I’ve always wanted you since we became friends. I was just scared to tell you. I want this. I want you.” She was crying by the end of her speech

“Oh Viv I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[byfulcrums]

Am I the only one who doesn't really like the way they aged up Astrid in the 2nd and 3rd movies??

Like, don't get me wrong, she's still a great character, and she's gorgeous. But I think that last thing might be the problem

They made her appearance too perfect (especially in the 3rd movie). I mean, she always had some of that in her. She's skinny, blond and has blue eyes and a tiny noae. But in the first movie, she's so much more... human

Look at her. Look at her teeth, specifically. They're imperfect, even if they're still white. Her eyes have a little darkness(? surrounding them, tho idk if that's just a stylistic choice or eyebags

Look at the way her face is built too. She has a somewhat big (not actually big, but bigger than it is in the other movies) forehead and you can see that she has freckles in this picture. When she smiles, her upper teeth show. Her face is more like, uh, the bottom of a heart than circle too. Idk how to describe it

Imperfect teeth, reddish face (though that might just be the lighting), dark spots around her face

Now look at her in here. Her teeth are just... perfect. She's perfect. Her forehead is smaller too, and her skin is completely clear and smooth (when you grow up, your face and body changes, I know that. She still does seem like Astrid! But as far as I know, teeth don't completely change shape as you grow up. Unless you pay to change them or something. And I'm pretty sure Vikings didn't have that kind of stuff)

Her face is a lot rounder too

I mean, compare this

To this

There is a big difference

Now, I don't mind the HTTYD 2 model. I actually like it!! It's not that bad, there's just a few changes in the design that I didn't completely like (same with Toothless)

The second movie's Astrid really does feel like Astrid, even though she's changed from the girl she was as a teen. She may not be the child who tackled Hiccup to protect him from Toothless anymore, but she is still Astrid Hofferson, and it shows in both her appearance and manners

But the HTTYD 3 models are just... not it

Perfect teeth, somehow even smoother skin, beautiful soft-looking hair

I'm not a big fan of how the high quality of HTTYD 3 makes the characters look. Honestly I just don't like the third movie at all

(I do like the smile lines, though. I admit they did a pretty good job with that)

And if you thought the second movie made her head a little rounder, then just look at this

She's a fucking square!! She got the Toothless treatment!!!

ANYWAY-- this is just my opinion, so don't come attack me for it. I just don't like those small things from the second movie and everything about the third movie. Fuck the third movie

[prince-rowan-of-the-forest]

Never Did I Truely Hate You

----

Janus doesn't expect any of the others to want him around after he's accepted. Even Remus has been acting off. So, of course, the most sensible course of action would be to avoid the source of hurt entirely.

Virgil does not agree.

----

| Ao3 |

----

Warnings: Self isolation, pretty negative self image

Pairings: Anxceit, very background intrulogical.

Word Count: 2071

Notes: Did a poll on here for which fic I should post next and this one won in a tie with another fic that I will post on Wednesday :3

I feel like I don't write very much canonverse anymore so lmk what you think!!!

----

Janus hadn’t expected everything to be perfect now that he - and begrudgingly Remus - had moved up to the light side’s commons. 

He did not expect Roman to forgive him, or become any less hostile towards him at all, after everything he had done to him. He didn’t expect Patton to want much to do with him, and he expected Logan to prefer talking to anyone but him - even Remus, who he’d spent a surprisingly long amount of time with recently, but whatever, that was none of his business.

And even more than that, He didn’t expect a single ounce of kindness from Virgil. 

Not after he’d left, not after the quips and insults and snipes whenever they’d been within hissing distance of one another. No, he didn’t even expect Virgil to want to be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him, or heaven forbid sit down at the same table as him.

So, Janus decided to intrude on their space as little as possible. It was better to avoid the emotional turmoil and annoying pain it would cause than go through it all… right? …Right??

And so that was how Janus found himself becoming almost nocturnal for the first few weeks of this new arrangement. He also just so happened to spend an ungodly amount of time in the private greenhouse Remus had made for him as an extension of his room (fit, of course, with deadly tropical plants and poisons). He sat there for hours reading, or spent time caring for the snakes that also shared the space and he didn’t come out when someone knocked.

Which was rare because, of course, no-one wanted to talk to him. 

He spent time in the commons at night, making food, eating said food, sometimes even watching a film during the dead hours of the morning. It was fine, he was fine with this arrangement, and he was sure everyone else was enjoying business as usual - you know, without him there.

So far, Janus had managed to avoid running into any side at night - aside from one time, when he came across Roman, though he was already passed out at the kitchen island, so it hardly counted. Something he should have remembered - and would kick himself for forgetting after the events that were about to unfurl because of it - was how awful Virgil’s own sleep schedule was. 

He realised this fact very abruptly when, one night at just past three in the morning, Janus went to open the fridge, only to be attacked from above and tackled to the ground by some kind of hissing creature. 

Moments later, when he gathered his thoughts just enough to will the lights in the living space to turn on, he realised that said hissing creature was actually their resident spider himself, who was now sitting firmly on Janus’ chest as he pinned him to the ground with strong hands on his shoulders. What the fuck?

“Virgil?” Janus asked after a long stretch of silence in which they both stared at each other. 

“I finally got you,” Virgil huffed, seeming a little out of breath from the violent attack, “I’ve been - trying for the last week but you’re too fucking - slippery.”

“What??” Janus asked, staring at Virgil in disbelief, “why?”

“Because you’ve been avoiding all of us since you came up here, idiot,” Virgil said, pushing a little more weight onto Janus’ shoulders, it was starting to hurt, just a little, but he wasn’t about to tell Virgil to get off - this was the closest he’d gotten to him since… before, and Janus wouldn’t lie - at least not in his own thoughts - about how big of a crush he’d always had on Virgil. So yes, he was confused as hell, but he was absolutely not going to push Virgil away when he willingly touched him for the first time in years. What could he say, he was selfish.

“And?” Janus said, trying to make sure his face didn’t betray his raging feelings the position they were in were causing, “So what? I totally expect you and the others would actually want me around.”

“...So what? Dude I’ve been worried sick! Patton asks if we’ve seen you literally every day at breakfast- what? Even Remus doesn’t know where you’ve been!” Virgil yelled, “And then- I was down here on the sofa one night and - well I guess you didn’t fucking see me or whatever but you came down and then disappeared again - so I’ve been trying to catch you every night since to work out what the fuck is going on.”

“There’s nothing ‘going on’,” Janus protested, he was pretty sure he’d lost his hat when Virgil had knocked him over, he didn’t feel too comfortable without it, “I’m just giving you all space to recover after the last episode.”

“No you’re not,” Virgil said, shaking his head with a frown, “I know you too well for that, and we don’t need space, what’s going on, Janus.”

“I-” Janus trailed off, realising that Virgil had really trapped him in a corner here - both literally and metaphorically, Virgil knew him too well, even now, he could spot his lies easily, “It’s nothing of your concern.”

“I didn’t tell the others,” Virgil said, Janus blinked, staring at Virgil’s face in confusion.

“...Didn’t tell the others… what?”

“That you were coming down here at night, that I was trying to uh - do whatever you call this,” Virgil huffed, lifting one hand from his shoulder to gesture to the position the two of them were in, “I didn’t tell them.”

“Why not?” Janus asked, frowning.

Virgil groaned and rolled his eyes, “Because I know you too fucking well, now tell me why you’ve suddenly turned into an owl instead of a snake.”

“I’m saving you all the trouble of pushing me away,” Janus snapped after a long enough pause that Janus knew Virgil wouldn’t relent, “I already know that you all totally want me here, even if Patton’s stupid gesture to accept me meant anything.”

Virgil was silent for a second, didn’t break eye contact as he hesitated, before moving his hands from Janus’ shoulders. For a moment Janus expected him to stand up, dust himself off and mention something about how he was right before walking off. Instead, Virgil sighed and flopped down so he was lying fully on Janus’ chest, head tucked under his chin. 

Almost completely on autopilot - since his brain was entirely bluescreening at the action - Janus’ arms came up to wrap around Virgil, who let out a surprised hum at the action.

“...Virgil?” Janus asked, voice wary. Everything he could have possibly expected from this interaction had just been flung out of the window with a single action.

“When Patton accepted you,” Virgil said, voice a little muffled to Janus’ ears, “I- I was angry at first, but then I just thought that like- now that they liked you I could - I could go back to liking you too, I was excited, I think, to have you back - but then you just disappeared and I - started overthinking it as usual.”

Janus couldn’t help but chuckle even if it came out a little sad, “I thought you out of everyone would want to see me the most, you definitely made that very clear in all of our recent interactions.”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said, readily and without hesitation, “I was awful to you, and it was - it’s no excuse but I only did it because everyone else chose to hate you too I - I was scared I’d lose their respect over it, but - it doesn’t matter now? Because Patton accepted you so - so they’re not going to hate me for liking you, right?”

Virgil lifted his head to look at him, and Janus sighed. 

“You already know that I don’t know the answer to that,” Janus said, “and I’m sure the others will totally just like me without question now that Patton has accepted me.”

Virgil chuckled, “Roman is still mad about the moustache comment.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Janus said, shaking his head, “And I certainly don't expect that Logan isn’t still angry with me about the courtroom.”

“Okay so maybe we- we don’t tell the others about uh - this,” Virgil said, resting his head back on Janus’ chest. 

“I totally know what’s happening right now,” Janus said with a sigh.

“I’m lying on you.” Virgil said, matter of factly, “B’cause you’re cold and strong and nice to lie on.”

“Okay, well this floor is definitely soft and warm and comfortable,” Janus pointed out, “So if you want to continue to lie on me may I suggest we move somewhere that wont give me back problems?”

“Oh right, yeah of course, sorry if I hurt you, when I uh - tackled you, by the way,” Virgil said, almost immediately getting up, looking a little sheepish. 

“It’s fine. Would you like to watch The Black Cauldron?” Janus asked as he sat up, changing the topic, “I think there’s a DVD of it around here somewhere, we could lie on the couch…?”

“You… remember that I like that film?” Virgil asked, sounding oddly quiet, Janus turned from where he had begun walking over to the couch, scrunching up his nose in confusion.

“Of course I don’t,” Janus said, “It’s not like you made us watch it every other week - interchanged with The Nightmare Before Christmas - without fail since Thomas first watched it or anything.”

He couldn’t help but delight in the way that Virgil’s face flushed red, despite him hurrying to join Janus by the couch. 

“I had almost forgotten about that,” Virgil admitted, “I’ve barely watched it since being over here.”

“I haven’t watched it since you left,” Janus sighed, “I highly doubt I remember the plot.”

Virgil smiled tentatively, “I’ll probably fall asleep before it finishes… but… that just means we’ll have to watch it again at some point, right?”

“Of course, let's take this opportunity to watch it now, shall we?” Janus said, summoning the DVD case in one hand whilst offering the other to Virgil. There was a long second of hesitation during which Janus could almost feel his world crumbling around him as Virgil didn’t take his hand, for a second he thought this must have been a trick, to have a relationship he wished for so badly dangled in his face and then snatched away again at the last second.

But no, that couldn’t be right, Virgil might be sarcastic, mean at times, but he wasn’t cruel and he certainly wasn’t dishonest enough to pull such a stunt so sincerely. Which meant…

“Are you alright?” Janus asked gently, taking back his hand. 

“Oh yeah, Yeah i’m okay,” Virgil lied, Janus raised an eyebrow, “Okay fine, no I- when I left I just- sorta maybe convinced myself that you guys hated me and I just- I didn’t expect you to be so… I definitely didn’t expect you to remember my favourite film, or- or want to cuddle while we watched it.”

“It’s not like I expected you to be any kinder towards me,” Janus replied, face going soft, “But… maybe it’s safe to say neither of us actually hate each other?”

Virgil snorted, “Yeah uh- maybe not, I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Janus answered, “And I’m sorry too, honestly.”

There was a second where Virgil just took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “Thank you, I forgive you too.”

“Good,” Janus smiled, putting the DVD into the player before sitting down on the couch, patting the seat next to him in invitation, “Because we’ve missed a lot of weekends - so we’d better make up for all the lost viewing time, hm?”

“I think we’d get bored if we watched it that much,” Virgil couldn’t help but laugh, flopping down on the couch next to him and immediately leaning into his side, and God had Janus missed this. 

“Perhaps,” Janus nodded. 

“Maybe if you actually came to the movie nights we tried to invite you to we’d have more things to watch,” Virgil murmured as Janus pressed play. 

“You tried to invite me to movie nights?” Janus asked, tilting his head. 

“Yeah - we all took turns knocking on your door every time we did one, you never answered.”

“...oh.”

“Now shut up, the film’s starting.”

Neither of them made it halfway through the film before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

-----

Tags: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @your-local-random-dino @cutebisexualmess @glacierruler @roseianxiety @bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti @scalesfeathersnfur @oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat @littlerat2 @goldnskyart (if anyone wants to be added, let me know!)

[m-jelly]

Levi, right? Levi, but... What if Reader was like an Assassin like Eivor Wolf-kissed from Assassins Creed Valhalla?

I used to play Assassins Creed so much, I loved the game. Ezio was my fav character but after Revelations, I tried the third one and didn't enjoy it anymore, I came back for Syndicate because it was in my country and during the Victorian period which I love. It was an incredible game and the last Assassin's Creed game I played. I know about Vikings, I know a lot about them but not about the Assassin's Creed game. So, I hope you don't mind but, I'll base it on the ones I know.

Assassin

Levi x fem!reader

Assassins, game-inspired, Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, 1500s era, romance, teasing, enemies to lovers concept.

You've been trying to assassinate a terrible rich Lord for a while, but his prized guard keeps stopping you. You have been trying to convince him that his boss is a terrible person but he's loyal to his duty. One day you decide, enough is enough.

Levi admired the light heat, it wasn't as unbearable as it had been recently and he liked that. It made him smile when he had a sense you were watching him. When you first appeared months ago when frost still clung to the land, you were butting heads and fighting so much.

However, as the warmth arrived and the heat the feelings between the two of you matched the weather. Touches were lingering, gazes were longing and the banter was now flirtatious and teasing. It'd become a fun game between the two of you, but you still had a job to do and a target to kill.

He turned to face where he thought you were but saw nothing. "Huh."

You dove for him and tackled him to the ground. You rolled with Levi before pinning him to the floor as you growled. "Finally, I've got you. I'll tie you up and kill your boss. It's taken so long to get here."

Levi smiled a bit. "You're cute when you're confident."

You pouted. "Levi."

He chuckled. "I'm so glad I told you my name because it sounds so good on your lips." He bucked up against you making you release him. He grabbed you before rolling over onto you. "Now, this is a better position."

You felt your heart race. "You!"

He leaned closer making you gasped. "You're beautiful."

You nipped your lip as your eyes searched his perfect face. "You're finally being honest, huh?"

He cupped the side of your face and started playing with your hair. "I am. You going to try and tell me about how terrible my boss is?"

"He deserves to die."

"Says who?" He eyed your heaving chest. "I didn't know you were God or your order was."

You pushed your fingers into his hair. "Shut up and kiss me." You yanked him down and kissed him passionately. "Mm." You gasped. "Better than I imagined."

Levi pressed his body against yours as he kissed you over and over. His hand ran down the outside of your thigh as he pushed your leg up. "You're incredible."

You panted a little. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

You punched him in the side of his ribs making him roll off you. "For that. I have to kill your boss." You got up and sprinted towards the building.

Levi grunted and watched you climb up a tree and leap to an open window with beautiful grace. "Fuck." You were beautiful to him, he liked how strong you were.

The care for his boss was gone, he wouldn't mind him dying because he was a terrible person. He beat a lot of his workers, traded in people and stole from anyone. Levi stayed because it paid well and he owed the man because he saved him. However, you were becoming more important to him.

He rushed inside the home not to stop you but so he could witness you kill your target. Levi wanted to see how godly you were when you achieved your goal when you took a life and watched it slip through your fingers.

He shoved the double doors for the grand hall open to see his boss shouting at another poor worker. His boss was about to strike the worker but you appeared. He smiled as you leapt from the ceiling like you were some kind of goddess or angel.

You landed on your target with your hidden blade raised up before slamming it into his neck. "I hope you reflect on the pain you caused to others. You played god so we returned that back to you. Was it worth it?"

He gasped and choked on his blood for a moment. "I just wanted control, order and respect. I gained that and then lost control. I kept taking."

You yanked your blade out. "Rest in peace." You carefully lay him down before rising to your feet and staring at Levi. "Is this the part where you chase me down and try to kill me?"

Levi walked right up to you and grabbed your hand. "No, this is the part where we run off together."

Your eyes widened. "You want to join the assassins?"

"You inviting me?"

You smiled. "Yes, always."

He yanked you close and kissed you. "Let's go."

@ladycheesington @levisbrat25 @nyxiieluna @li-anne @galactict3a

@youre-ackermine @thebobaprincess @2moth-anon2 @cypidity

@nbinairyn @bts-spnlvr12 @darkstarlight82 @emilyyyy-08

@levistealeaf @pelicanpizza @hideandgopeep @notgoodforlife

@demonic-bird @searriously @anti-cupid

[iwritebigbellies-blog]

Same anon who asked about causes here. If I ever send another ask, I'll probably end it with -O. I feel SEEN, oh my god. I fully teared up reading your response. I think there's a special sort of loneliness that comes from growing up with a "rare" form of kink/fetish/paraphillia. I only recently (as in, a couple of months ago) started embracing mine instead of trying to push it away, and it's been, um, a journey. I've spent the last few months alternating between the depression of "I'm stuck with this and there's no cure" and the isolation of "Even people who are into this aren't usually into it like I am." Your post singlehandedly managed to make me feel a LOT better about everything, so, thank you <3 Funny how simply knowing that you're not alone can make a situation seem so much less bleak. -O

I'd normally take this to DMs, but anon asks are what they are. 😅 Sorry...

I just wanna give you/readers/myself a little pep talk about... well, the whole thing where you feel hopelessly fucked up and alone when you have a niche fetish.

I have known I am like this for decades. I figured myself out around age 14 and by the time I was living with my first bf at 17 I knew that stuffing was the only thing that genuinely turned me on.

That didn't stop me from trying to brute force myself through "vanilla" relationships. I explained to my partners (four of them, back to back, over twenty years) about this kink, but I hadn't accepted that this was my only button. I still thought that maybe if I tried hard enough, or pretended, or got therapy, or watched porn, that SOMETHING else might work. And when it didn't, I either retreated into shame and guilt, thinking I was too broken for relationships, or I forced myself to have sex anyway, even when I was completely unaroused and uninterested.

Most of my exes tried. They even kinda enjoyed themselves. Big guys eat, man. Being told that not only do they never have to diet, but their girlfriend will get rabidly turned on when they eat too much? That's a win, right? But they weren't into it, and it wasn't practical to engage in as often as they wanted to get laid, so sex became triage.

Every single relationship I have had in my life has ended over sexual mismatch. All of them. And along the way, I felt shitty, violated, panicky, lonely, and hopeless. I have been told I am asexual, cold, cruel, and worse. I believed it.

About a year ago, I decided I couldn't do that anymore. Dating "normal" people and trying to wedge fetishy compromise into the relationship has never worked. I couldn't bear to try again.

I joined Feabie instead, thinking I'd tackle this from the other direction. I'd tried dating people who were amazing except for the sex. Maybe I could try just matching up sexually, and give up trying to fall in love. Normal people have hookups, right? Maybe I could just have kinky hookups for a while, before I am too old to pull anyone ever again.

One of the ruder awakenings of my Feabie experience has been that even in the feedist community, my fetish is niche. A lot of men message me. Like, a lot. And I want to give people a chance, so I have chatted with most of them. Maybe... 300-400 guys over the last 10 months. (These are not sexy converaations, for the most part. Just getting to know people!) But the overwhelming majority of these guys are gainers. They fetishize fat, and the process of gaining, and even though there is some fun overlap (stuffing is fun for both of us!) I eventually got frustrated with how often the conversation would swing to things that just weren't sexy to me. Playing at finding wg sexy is just as exhausting as playing at finding vanilla whatever sexy. It just... isn't. It becomes a chore. I'm back to where I started.

Finding the one tiny, incredibly hidden corner of the internet where you supposedly belong and then discovering you don't really belong there? That fucking sucks.

But... it hasn't been a wash. I have actually met people who share my fetish. Like, VERY FEW, but at this point, ANY is an enormous win. Of course, we each have our separate little quirks and angles, but on the whole, I have matched well enough with a few people that I could see myself being genuinely happy with them. They like what I like and the result is devastatingly sexy. I have had the best (virtual) dates if my whole life in the last year, my first real orgasms. I have met enough people who share my small corner of this tiny pond that I can even afford to be picky. I've even met people who I adore for reasons unrelated to the kink. Who are age-appropriate. The pool is small, but can somehow still contain people who might be perfect.

This is the right place for me to be. I have been happier and more honest and myself and more seen around the feedist community than anywhere else in my life. It isn't easy and I still haven't met a person who will commit to me and say they will keep me forever, but maybe I will. It is more likely here than anywhere.

And there are a lot more younger people around here than there are folks my age. So your chances are better than mine.

It can get better. We just have to make, and hold, our space.

[dragonridernoobie]

How nightmare Sans acts when they meet like/love someone.

My request are still open!

💫Friend Faze💫

So first things first. You meet him when he kidnapped ya. He's planning to use you as bait for ink and dream.

While he has you locked up, he is probably gonna question you and threaten you, you know the whole shebang.

Eventually after millions and millions of dead ends with you. He will start to notice how you still try to talk to him.

So he will come by and talk to you or just listen.

I see this is where you're friendship starts.

At first, he will still keep you in the jail cell but he will be nicer by giving you warmer clothes, extra food, comfortable bed and bedsheets, and keeping the other bad sans away from you.

Eventually he will let you wonder and make the castle you're home.

Don't worry, he will still be an asshole to you at times to feed off you're negative feelings.

💘Crush Faze💘

I think when he fell for you, is when he pushed you to far and you tackled him down and told him off.

Dudes blushing.

He will keep his distance from you since he dosent want to feel weak.

But really, he is just saying that so he dosent need to feel all lovely dovey.

He will probably be very romantic without anyone there.

Like flowers infront of you're room in the morning, random teddy bears in you're room. All that

And you will never know

I can see him also being protective of you, like keeping you always in the castle so you don't get taken away from dream or ink

He won't won't make you upset anymore or feed off you're negative feelings.

💞Dating Faze💞

When he confessed his feeling to you, he made a romantic dinner for you both.

You ofcorse said yes.

He will let his walls down and become more lovely like.

DUDE IS TOUCHED STARVED!!!!!!!!!!

not as bad as horrorsans, but close.

He will wrap is tentacles around you if you guys are snuggling, sleeping, or anytbing really.

His tentacles are sensitive, and he meets and is at you're mercy if you rub or fidget with them.

I think he will always be by you're side, always. No matter the place or time

You will need to remind him to come to bed.

You will also need to remind him to eat.

Cuddle time every day at noon.

🚫NSFW Faze🚫

This dude is horny

Like, you accidently bump into him, and the next moment you're geting fucked.

He is kinky

His kinks are: praise kink, tentacle use, magic use???, daddy kink, oral, anul, edging, breeding, and public sex.

Dude is as horny as UFsans.

I think he is the only Sans that dosent have knots or instincts.

Since he lost himself when he ate the negative apple.

Nightmare makes up for it with his tentacles.

Dude is a master with them

He isn't into scent or anything, but he makes sure you show off your bite marks.

Even tho he dosent knot, he I'd still packing.

9 inches, and I can see him having the ability to make it grow or shrink.

[weird-an]

“I hate you” Harringrove? I’m so gay.

Detention.

With Billy Hargrove.

Steve wants to scream and it's all Hargrove's fault. Because they tackled each other too hard and too often during practice. Because Billy shouted "plant your feet, Harrington" and Steve lost it for once and yelled "I'll fuck you over next time".

Did anyone ever get detention playing basketball? A week before their last game ever? Before school is over in only a few weeks? This a new low for Steve.

Worse even, it's Friday and the whole school is deserted already, so now he sits in a stuffy classroom next to Billy.

"I'll be back in an hour," Coach says, grabbing his mug of coffee that vaguely smells like liquor. "You two will come up with a list of reasons why team play is important."

Once the door closes behind him, Steve groans. "You have to be kidding me. A list?"

"I can think of a lot of reasons why team play is important, but we aren't a fucking team," Billy snaps. "I should write an essay about Harrington's Inability To Stand His Ground."

"Maybe you should add a guide on how to use every possible foul in one half time." Steve rolls his eyes.

Billy stands up and comes closer. A wild look in his eyes.

"It's not my fault that you don't plant your fucking feet."

"Bodycheckin' isn't allowed. It's basketball," Steve yells, getting up as well. "You should fucking behave."

Billy's face turns red from anger. "Don't talk to me like that."

"Like what?" Steve steps forward, pushes two fingers against Billy's chest. Of course he's wearing his shirt unbuttoned. Steve wonders why he's bothering with a shirt at all. Always showing off his stupid, admittedly nice, pecs.

"Like I'm a child."

"You're a fucking brat," Steve huffs. Billy's flush turns crimson. It makes Steve get a very dangerous idea.

"I hate you," Billy growls. "Stop talking to me like that. I should punch you in your -"

Steve manages to shut Billy up. For the first time ever. With his mouth pressed against Billy's. Shoving his tongue in his mouth and yanking his mullet.

Billy gasps and Steve uses his surprise to bite his bottom lip. Billy's breath gets ragged and Steve kisses his neck, sucks on the tender skin underneath his collarbone. Enjoys Billy shivering from his touch.

Steve bites into the soft flesh just a bit above Billy's belly button. Billy moans. His eyes are closed and he aches his neck. He looks almost peaceful like that. Steve wants to see him like that more often.

He pulls down Billy's pants. Kneads Billy's firm ass that the whole school keeps staring at. But only Steve gets to touch.

"I can take it," Billy grunts, leaning a little over the desk so that Steve can reach him better.

"Well, aren't you a team player?" Steve laughs. He spits on his fingers and pushes two into Billy's hole.

"More. Faster." Billy's voice is hoarse.

"Nope," Steve says, scissoring his fingers apart, in very slow, lazy movements. "Behave."

Billy shudders, but bites his lips. Keeps himself from moving even though his cock twitches with every push of Steve's fingers.

Steve pulls his fingers out. "You ready?"

"Of course," Billy growls.

Steve presses his cock against Billy's hole. He's big and the spit can't be enough. But he sinks in slowly, until he's completely buried inside Billy who groans and clutches the desk like his legs can't carry him anymore.

"You're fucking huge," Billy gasps.

Steve moves his hips forward, grabs Billy's thighs and thrusts hard.

Billy comes, crying out and without Steve touching his dick. Shooting come all over his abs. After one thrust. It's the hottest thing Steve has ever seen.

"Fuck," he breathes. "Has nobody ever fucked you before?"

"Not in In- Indiana," Billy slurs.

The thought makes Steve dizzy. Nobody he knows has ever touched Billy. Only Steve himself.

It's fast, it's hurried, it's messy. Steve loves every second. He pulls Billy's blond curls again and he whimpers. He fucks him harder and faster, Billy's overstimulated mewls a symphony in his ears.

Maybe it's not even Billy's tight ass, moans or toned body. Maybe it's the thought that only he fucks Billy Hargrove, that Billy Hargroves behaves, that Billy Hargrove comes within seconds, because Steve wants him to.

Steve's orgasm hits him right in the moment of realization and he pulls Billy's hair again, listening to the sweet sounds he has never thought he'd hear from Billy of all people.

"We still need to write that list," Billy says, putting his jeans back on. He buttons his shirt until a bright red bite mark is hidden underneath.

Steve reaches out for Billy's shirt and opens a few buttons again, so it's fully on display.

"I think I did my work already here."

He presses his fingers against the mark. Billy groans, a bit breathless.

"I hate you." It doesn't sound sincere.

[pixiecactus]

About G/A and the separate futures phase. Whoever published it was a very dedicated shipper who got devastated by his response. I don't think anyone would lie about that because this fan was genuinely very upset over this. Despite being my favorite ship, I always had the impression that they would have at most some puppy love, but that it wouldn't be endgame. Then, everything connected for me. A friend of mine pointed out that many female characters of asoiaf (Sansa, Cat, Brienne, Dany, Asha), especially those who are outside the norm. They generally experience passions and/or have multiple romantic interests. And they are allowed to move on from those early love interests. And without the time skip. I end up finding it a bit unfeasible to expect that only Arya never goes through these experiences and that she should be only be with him and end. As if she couldn't live other paths? I know it's not a popular opinion, but I think it's a natural aspect to see other possibilities in life.  For me, if she were really going to end up with him (something I don't believe anymore). It would be more interesting if she could experience other passions. I mean in the most innocent sense, like a first kiss and things like that. George comments that he has always known the main characters' endings since 1991. And I don't think that includes G/A as endgame and like the only option in her life... I still like them a lot. However, I have a very different opinion from fandom

i'm going to fracture your ask into parts so it will help me focus on which part i'm actually answering, because my mind tends to hyperfocus on the smallest details, and i go ranting about them, and then i forget what i wanted to write in the first place. so here we go:

About G/A and the separate futures phase. Whoever published it was a very dedicated shipper who got devastated by his response. I don't think anyone would lie about that because this fan was genuinely very upset over this.

so i decided to make my response to this part a post of it's own, and here's the link to it. (x)

Despite being my favorite ship, I always had the impression that they would have at most some puppy love, but that it wouldn't be endgame.

i've come to agree with this notion as an adult, but from what i can remember during my brief time in the asoiaf fandom years ago, back in that time it was treated almost as common knowledge that gendry was arya's very own "ygritte" and how ygritte and gendry served the same purpose in the narrative for jon and arya, a "first love" figure. it seems that the show completely erased that type of idea from being discussed.

Then, everything connected for me. A friend of mine pointed out that many female characters of asoiaf (Sansa, Cat, Brienne, Dany, Asha), especially those who are outside the norm. They generally experience passions and/or have multiple romantic interests. And they are allowed to move on from those early love interests.

i want to say that i agree with this, but at the time i don't. let me explain, sorry for oversharing, but i have to say first that i'm one of the most aromantic fucks to ever exist, so i always have a hard time talking about these concepts because i know very well that they don't hold any significance for me, but my own experience is not the norm, and i have a hard time understanding how romantic interest or romantic love works in the slightest (skill issue on my part, i know). now with that out of the way, i want to tackle each character and their romantic interests as i see them.

let's start with sansa. this is all from my memory, though, as i haven't touched a sansa's chapter in its entirety in years (yeah, i know, but they're headache-inducing for me) sansa was enamoured with the concept of what a prince should be, and i think that her naivety completely blinded her when it comes down to joffrey. since she loved the aforementioned ideas of a handsome prince, i think she decided that if joffrey had the title of prince, those concepts must apply to him, and i guess that it helped his case that joffrey was pretty handsome. so sansa in her naivety, got a crush on an idea of joffrey who was only on her mind while she was actively overlooking any flaw or horrible behavior that joffrey presented. i guess this is why i have a problem with those posts that claim that sansa loves people so deeply. my response is that she is a child that doesn't know a thing about romantic love (and i know that's a bit rich coming from me)

i remember a little bit about sansa having a thing for loras tyrell, but what comes to my brain is sansa dreaming about licking the sweat of his chest, but i'm pretty sure that's an exaggeration, but 16 year old me remembers reading something sansa and loras's chest... okay i did find the part in the books.

Wed to Ser Loras, oh . . . Sansa's breath caught in her throat. She remembered Ser Loras in his sparkling sapphire armor, tossing her a rose. Ser Loras in white silk, so pure, innocent, beautiful. The dimples at the corner of his mouth when he smiled. The sweetness of his laugh, the warmth of his hand. She could only imagine what it would be like to pull up his tunic and caress the smooth skin underneath, to stand on her toes and kiss him, to run her fingers through those thick brown curls and drown in his deep brown eyes. A flush crept up her neck.

i classify this as purely physical attraction, but that's what i want to get to. from my perspective, sansa feels strong physical attraction to people, and her mind does the rest, filling in the blanks, but we never see her making an effort to know who the person behind the appearance she was attracted to actually is.

let me put a disclaimer here: this isn't me criticizing the character, i'm an aroace man that only feels aesthetic attraction, so i understand sansa in this aspect all too well. personally speaking, when i find someone beautiful, the only thing i want is to stare at them as one would to a work of art (and this has always happened to me with celebrities)

so other than the hound, my opinion is that sansa's romantic interests are purely based on physical attraction. and this ties with the notion that sansa believes that good appearance equals good character, when it isn't always the case.

now let's get to catelyn stark née tully. i guess that the three "romantic interests" that we could talk about here are littlefinger, but very loosely, because catelyn loved petyr as a brother, but he was in fact the one who was in love with her. and sure, we can talk about that time where cat, lysa and petyr played at kissing when she was no older than sansa and i think that littlefinger was younger than arya (?) but this example for me is just child curiosity manifesting itself (good thing that mononucleosis isn't a thing in this universe)

catelyn even as a young girl, had the knowledge that littlefinger was infatuated with her and that she didn't reciprocate her feelings, and from what i remember, she was betrothed to brandon stark at a really young age, and i think that catelyn was happy about this decision that her father made because brandon stark was going to be the lord of winterfell and the warden of the north, both very important titles.

so i'm currently using a search of ice and fire to find every time that brandon was mentioned in catelyn's pov, because i don't remember reading her ever waxing poetics about him and his handsomeness, other than that part in which catelyn's declared that she was disappointed the first time she saw ned, and how he was shorter and plainer than his big brother.

and then we have ned stark, the man that catelyn ended up marrying and learned to love. but even when this couple is one of the healthier relationships we ever had in the series as a whole, it wasn't without its issues. we can identify two shadows always lurking in the background following their marriage: the existence of jon snow and ned's refusal to answer catelyn's question of who was the boy's mother, and from ned's part, the fact that he was never meant to actually have the life he has now; it was supposed to be brandon, not him. from the way i see it, that could create a big "what if" for ned to wonder, at least at the beginning of their marriage, if catelyn was disappointed in him and if she still preferred to be able to marry brandon. these issues never got resolved during their marriage, but at the same time we saw they bonded; they were loyal to each other, and their relationship developed into unconditional love. i think that i'm not doing them justice with what i'm writing, but to be honest, i love that arya loves and admires her parents’s relationship, but i don't feel the same way that she does. i don't hate them but i don't like them either; they are just there, existing for me. (i guess it's a bad time to mention that i'm a supporter of the "ashara dayne was ned's first love" headcanon)

let me continue to brienne of tarth. i think that brienne's infatuation with renly is similar to the one of sansa with joffrey, except for the big detail that what made brienne like renly was the fact that he was kind to her. and of course this carries a big significance to brienne because she was accustomed to being scorned, to be rejected, or even to be pitied. but then again, i think that brienne is enamoured of a certain image of renly, without knowing the person fully.

look, i don't want to touch brienne's relationship with jaime, because absolutely i could never do them justice. did you see how bad i sucked at talking about cat and ned's relationship? i don't want to repeat that, even though in this case i do ship braime. but, what i will say is that gendrya and braime both share the aspect that they actually know the person, their character and how they behave before getting romantic feelings involved in the mix. let me point to the sign that says, "they had shared traumatic experiences together that strengthened their bond with each other."

my girl dany comes next. i want to preface what i'm about to write next with: once i was young and stupid and i actually shipped daenerys with drogo (i guess that i saw the relationship similar to how cat and ned marriage came to be) now that i'm a little bit older, i can see the relationship for what it is: a child bride slave and his slaver. now i think that daenerys's mind was trying to protect her from the big traumatic situation she was in and made her believe that she was in love with her so called "husband" because the ugly truth was too much to process. people always love to forget that dany is a young child as well.

we see daenerys exploring her sexuality later on with irri and for me, her relationship with daario, is charged with a strong physical attraction (i have my own theory that is meant to showcase that dany has developed hypersexuality, as sometimes happens with survivors of sexual trauma; a reminder here that dany was subjected to marital rape) and this is a way in which she can reclaim her sexual expression.

i'm going to skip asha (sorry!) because i remember the least about her, other that, i never understood the decision that the show took to make her sapphic (i'm using that term because currently i can't remember if her show counterpart yara was bisexual or lesbian; i have seen some people using one and other people using another) when in the book she's clearly straight, i really don't understand why for some people it's so difficult to conceptualize that gender nonconforming women can be straight and like men.

i really took the long road to get here (this wasn't a reference, by the way) but taking all that i’ve already written into account. yeah i agree with the thought that we see most female characters having different romantic interests and short passions through the books, and yes, i understand where people are coming from when asking the question: why would be any different with arya?

i will become the most positive and deluded version of myself to point out the next stuff about gendrya, how they seem to break the pattern, and why they could be an exception to this.

let's start by saying that when arya and gendry met each other, neither of them found the other attractive to the point that they created a preconceived notion of who they were supposed to be or behave.

they didn't become friends right off the bat; arya knew gendry as the bull, and gendry knew arya as arry, the two of them using aliases.

from there, their "relationship" started to develop from two strangers that were forced to coexist in the same space (this sounds a lot worse than what actually was, because contrary to brienne and jaime, arya and gendry didn't have any animosity towards the other at the beginning) to the very start of a friendship based on mutual trust and understanding.

i do think that they impressed each other, with gendry being the only one willing to go back for arya and then later on arya returning the favor.

that brings me to the "only gendry was different" part of the book. i'm sorry, but i live by this quote, and yeah, i know that the plain context is that arya is considering telling gendry her real identity and how she could be safe telling him because the queen wanted him too, but my main takeaway from this part is that gendry has earned arya's trust by being himself.

and i really think that for gendry the same statement is true. only arya was different, even more after he was told her real identity. because here comes this little girl, as brave and kind as they come, protecting him and a bunch of other kids (she's literally being mother wolf protecting her pack) even when she's part of the nobility and the daughter of a lord. arya's existence is challenging his very own preconceived notions.

so we have these two kids, who have become each other's more trusted people while they are in the middle of a war-torn country trying their best to survive. they have built a very strong foundation for their relationship to develop into something more.

a while ago, i read a post talking that for arya, loving people is easy; she is curious, friendly, and kind; she loves to participate in a community; she knows how to adapt; she's a very passionate character, but what doesn't come as easy for her is trusting people, and i wholeheartedly agree. and gendry with his obstinate and loyal personality, presented himself as reliable and steady, a strong shoulder to rely on, the perfect candidate to obtain arya's trust, if i say so myself. and all of this was before any of the two developed any romantic interest in the other.

i swear i'll get into the angsty part of the deal, but i need to write first that gendrya, in comparison to ned and cat and/or dany and drogo (since both couples were married before they really knew each other) seems to have chosen each other; they started to develop feelings and physical attraction out of their own volition.

i think that is super interesting that arya has never had a problem noticing attractiveness in boys/men before or after, but we don't get a peep from her regarding gendry in this aspect, but we can infer it when we pay attention to all the multiple times where arya describes his deep blue eyes, and his hair always falling between said eyes. arya's focus is on how strong gendry is and how muscled he is, thinking about it even when she's mad at him and how if she were to hit him, he probably wouldn't feel it at all because he's muscled.

Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally. 

.

“A man does not choose his companions in the black cells,” the handsome one with the red- and-white hair said.

.

She liked to pretend that one of them was Joffrey’s. She tried to picture how his pretty face would look dipped in tar. 

.

“Her?” The Hound snorted. “Is she your mother, Dondarrion? Or your whore?” Dondarrion? Beric Dondarrion had been handsome; Sansa’s friend Jeyne had fallen in love with him. Even Jeyne Poole was not so blind as to think this man was fair.

.

The handsome man had a beard of a different color every time she saw him, and a different nose, but he was never less than comely.

.

“The gods must have loved him to give him such a voice, and that fair face as well.” He is fair of face and foul of heart, thought Arya.

.

Before summoning the serving men to carry him away, she knelt and felt his face, tracing the line of his jaw, brushing her fingers across his cheeks and nose, touching his hair. Curly hair, and thick. A handsome face, unlined. He was young.

time to bring another one of my favourite moments, so i don't think that it would be news for anyone who read the books, the fact that gendry dislikes edric dayne with a passion. what i think that people don't notice is that gendry started disliking him even before the reveal that he was the lord of starfall, and what was the motive for this? well, edric's only crime was spending time with arya and talking to her in highheart. then he learned that edric was a member of the nobility, same as arya, and i think that at that moment, gendry truly hated him.

so currently gendrya has graced us with a friendship that started slowly, but it ended up building a strong foundation, composed of mutual trust, understanding, and loyalty. a little bit later on, physical attraction was added to the mix, along with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. and then it was cut short.

we had a slow but promising build on towards something more with no payoff in sight.

and from the top of my mind, i think that the only other couple that you could say the same about them, is braime.

so unlike sansa and brienne, arya spent a lot of time next to gendry, learning exactly the type of person he is. she never idealized gendry to be someone that he's not.

and unlike catelyn and dany, there was nothing forcing arya into a place where she develops romantic feelings for gendry as a duty, and it was the same thing for him as well. (again, this sounds so bad for the nedcat nation, but my honest opinion is that if you have two people forced to be married and then later on you learn that these people developed feelings for each other and now are in a loving relationship, it can be a "me" thing, but i cannot help but wonder if there was a little bit of conformism coming from both parties involved added to the mix)

can i say that from a reader standpoint, arya and gendry misunderstanding each other is just so perfectly angsty? i know that i'm biased, but i swear it hurts so bad to even think about it. no, but really. my dumb teen brain used to think that gendry's thoughts about his knighthood were almost "one track mind." and the actual meaning of this was gendry trying his best to climb the social ladder to be deserving of having the chance to get with arya.

but this couldn't be further from what i now consider the truth. this decision is about himself (as it should be!) i do think that gendry noticed arya's class blindness and how this would affect their friendship because in the society they live in, there's no way they could ever be equals, and more closely, the fact that arya's family would never accept their friendship no matter what arya said to him. this is all part of arya's own journey to accept the idea that people that she has known all her life are not the good guys and how her own family and their allies can be responsible for horrible things happening mostly to the smallfolk as well. this is something that the author has put emphasis on for arya to notice since mycah's death in the first book. 

and gendry has seen this happen for most of his life, if i have to guess. and this gendry no longer wants to sit as peacefully as you could get while looking the other way; this was what he was doing under lucan's mentorship (?) apathy will get you nowhere, afterall. i think that we could add the fact that back in harrenhal he lived as an armourer would, what his life was meant to be before everything went to shit, and maybe he didn't like it; maybe he felt helpless, and i think he was set into conforming to this way of life before arya showed up with the idea of escaping harrenhal.

so we have gendry making his decision to stay with the brotherhood, first because he liked the idea of how they gave the hound a fair trial; second, the brotherhood presented themselves as outlaws fighting for the biggest victims of the wars all around them, the smallfolk, and that is something that gendry believes in and is willing to fight for. third, this was his best option since his friendship with arya would be a thing of the past whether he wanted or not, and arya's family would send him to the forge, and as i said before, i don't think that's where he wants to be anymore. fourth, i can see him thinking that arya is so close to getting reunited with her family, and probably her happiness about this fact would help lessen the blow of gendry not accepting to follow her again. 

arya isn't able to see this decision in this particular light, gendry choosing to leave her only seems to fuel her abandonment issues and bring her self-esteem even lower than before. this is all happening while arya is already breaking down, thinking that her mother wouldn't want her anymore due to her appearance and reasoning that she's not worthy of rescue from her brother, who is a king now. and here's the boy, who she once considered her only true friend in the world, siding with her captors, the same people that kidnapped her and only see her as a means to get coin. i can see this reinforcing the awful idea that arya has of "other than jon, no one will ever love me" and of course this isn't gendry's fault, but it breaks my heart all the same.

and since then, the few times that arya thinks of gendry after getting separated from him, the thought that dominates over any other is that gendry didn't want to be her friend, and she was stupid for ever thinking so.

and that makes you think that if arya would consider that the friendship between them built in mutual trust was a lie from the beginning or gendry was just humoring her because she was a lady from a great house and him a lowborn bastard.

and this means for me that if we get arya and gendry reuniting, they're not going to hit it off; arya was hurt, and the trust and camaraderie they used to share are gone.

And without the time skip. I end up finding it a bit unfeasible to expect that only Arya never goes through these experiences and that she should be only be with him and end. As if she couldn't live other paths? I know it's not a popular opinion, but I think it's a natural aspect to see other possibilities in life.

oh god, this is where i'm very conflicted with myself. because, as a person, i completely agree with you here, but as a shipper, i don't want to agree.

and it doesn't help that it's probably less than a year since i discovered that the five-year time skip is no longer in the picture. my plan really was, i'll get back into asoiaf when twow is released, and by then arya is going to be 16 and gendry is going to be 20, which i learned a few months ago that they would have matched the age both should be (as a girl who is a highborn lady and as a boy who was under an apprenticeship) looking for a partner to marry. we really could have it all.

the thing is that i'm pretty sure that arya would get those experiences in braavos... the problem mostly relies on gendry (not really)

George mentioned the coming of age of Arya in Braavos in the context of how a writer had to discipline himself to write only as many chapters as were necessary to serve the story, saying that what Arya was dealing with in Braavos could make a worthy young adult novel in it’s own right.

.

"Arya is a lot of fun to write about. I could write a whole novel about Arya in Braavos."

meanwhile it's been a long time since i read a book of that particular genre... but all the ya books i still have stacked somewhere in my house from my teen years have a romantic theme as the main plot.

i'm inclined to believe that arya will have a romantic subplot in braavos just based on those previous quotes from the author, but at the same time, taking into account arya's personality and her curious nature, it fits and makes sense to see it as a possibility for me.

i'd dare to say that i'm a believer that "with the five-year time skip still in place, arya would have come back to westeros without a maidenhood for any man to claim"

now let me explain why i think that gendry could be the problem, but not really at the same time.

personally speaking, i don't find the notion of meeting a person when you're really young, falling in love with them, and them being your only romantic prospect as a healthy one. most likely is the aromantic cynic in me, but i believe that people in your life in the romantic aspect come and go and there's nothing you can do to stop them from doing so, so you better appreciate the time you have with them, and relationships are the best way to discover things about yourself.

but gendry in affc seems stuck in a sort of purgatory state. he's angry and seems to be consumed by guilt. this is my own speculation, but i believe that arya is front and center in his thoughts every day since she was kidnapped. and i'm desperate for someone to take him to the side and tell him that this isn't healthy. i get that the boy is grieving, and grief is expressed in different ways, and i have seen people theorizing that it has been around six or five months since arya was kidnapped in asos and gendry's appearance in affc, but my point still stands: this isn't healthy in the slightest.

and gendry doesn't seem interested in anyone around him, in a romantic or even friendly aspect, and that's why i have a problem with the widely accepted headcanon of gendry hooking up with one of the heddles, who it seems to be always jeyne, affc is showing us that gendry couldn't be more different than his father, even if he tried. the boy is not looking to get his dick wet with anyone. (i'll derrail here a little bit to talk about how most of the fics that follow the aforementioned headcanon have jeyne being the one seeking gendry out, and i have seen more than a few state that jeyne fell in love with him since the first time she saw him or since he came to live with them... and that leaves a weird feeling over me because in affc, jeyne is a 18 year old, already a woman grown, and gendry is a 14 year old, you know, an actual child)

now, with what i have said before, you'd think that i want gendry to experience another romantic prospect before reuniting with arya? well, no, i don't. but this time it doesn't have to do with gendry being his father's narrative foil but rather than somewhere along the way when grrm was writing gendry as a foil to robert in the sexuality aspect, gendry started to fit in a lot in a demisexual category and as a person that is part of the aspec community, i can't simply unsee it.

i don't think that this was the author's intention, and yes, demisexual!gendry is just another headcanon in a sea of them, but i live by this headcanon. like c'mon, what kind of boy rejects free sex offered to him in a society that doesn't see you as a man unless you have fucked someone?

and here's where the conflict in myself starts to show, because i truly believe that romantic relationships aid you in the process of discovering yourself as a person. but as the same person who knew that i was in fact asexual at the young age of 15 and succumbed to societal pressure from people around me telling me "that i couldn't know because i never had sex before" almost sounding as a "your statement isn't valid unless..." and after having a few romantic/sexual relationships in my early twenties, i can confirm that the 15 year old child that i was, still to this day, is right. and now looking back, i realize that i never had to prove myself to anyone, and i don't want gendry to go through the same things that i went through myself.

so... gendry is not interested in having sex or even having a romantic relationship with anyone else? good for him, and i fully support him. "only gendry was different" am i right?

For me, if she were really going to end up with him (something I don't believe anymore). It would be more interesting if she could experience other passions. I mean in the most innocent sense, like a first kiss and things like that. George comments that he has always known the main characters' endings since 1991. And I don't think that includes G/A as endgame and like the only option in her life… I still like them a lot. However, I have a very different opinion from fandom.

i said that i agree with the thought of gendrya not being endgame, and i do, but i think that my decision has a lot more to do with the fact that jonrya in all books is so strong, i'd be an idiot to not recognize it as such.

and this, plus the fact that i believe that the original outline is still relevant to the story, is why we truly respect jonrya in this humble gendrya household that is my sideblog...

but at the end of the day, it all comes down to preferences, and i like gendrya more than jonrya... it's just that i see arya and gendry as more evenly matched in a sense. i think that i have a problem with the fact that jon is arya's own idol, and the idealization of your partner in relationships is not something i find healthy.

and just because i want to come back to the beginning in a way, if we believe that the "quote" is real, gendrya having separated futures doesn't negate the possibility of them getting romantically involved in the first place.

so where i currently stand as a gendrya shipper, is if they happen, they happen and i’m going to be ecstatic for them, because i love them both and i want them to have good things in their life, i agree with you that they aren’t going to be endgame but i still have the littlest hope in my heart, it’s just both of them have so much life and fertility symbolism, you know?

and i think that i have to end this with the least positive version of myself, saying that i believe that grrm doesn't owe us anything as an author, and with every day that passes, i'm losing hope of ever getting to read twow... so there's the possibility that we will never know (?)

this isn't me trying to bring my favourite band into the mix, but i really think that gendrya is going to be my favourite "what if" and my best "i'll never know"

if you have read all of this post, thank you for putting up with me for this long. and thank you, anon for sending me this ask in the first place and for your patience. i'd say take a shot every time i wrote "i think", but that would be encouraging alcohol poisoning, so let's not do that.

[actuallyadhd]

hi, sorry in advance if this isn't the kind of thing you are open to getting in your inbox, but i just don't know what to do with my feelings. i really hate my adhd. i spent my youth cruising through school and high achiever programs, being told i was going places, and nowadays i am nothing short of completely useless. i'm early in diagnosis to where i'm just starting with medication (15mg of ritalin twice a day at this stage) and haven't effects yet. it's already clear that the dose i'm going to need will be embarrassingly high.

ever since i told my friends, it's obvious that the diagnosis came out of left field for them and that they see me differently. i keep catching them giving me sympathetic looks after zoning out, fiddling with something, or presenting some other stereotypical symptom. i tried mentioning to them how i'm not getting results out of meds yet as a means of whinging since it is making me anxious and a little impatient, and their response was completely uninformed medical advice about how i should be taking them. they're also all talking about how they all probably have adhd too since we 'tend to glom together'. they're all straight-A students with no symptoms or functional issues, so i find this a little condescending. i might be imagining how they've starting talking down to me/talking slower. the diagnosis made me feel stupid enough without them acting like this, and now i just feel like a human joke.

i don't really know what the point of what i'm writing is anymore, but i'm struggling to get any assignments in, failing all my tests, my friends treat me different, my parents are unabashedly disappointed, the meds are taking too long to work, i'm lazy, dysfunctional, getting dumber every day, and my head is too fucking loud to keep living in.

i'm sick of how trying to have a thought feels like being a sentient pile of spaghetti wading through tar, and of not being able to read if my brain decides a particular paragraph is not to its liking, of not remembering anything, of struggling and not even being able to remember and articulate what with, and all the other bullshit. i probably just have to wait this out while we figure out meds, but i'm sorry for using this inbox to vent because i think that's what i'm doing as i can't really go to my friends. feel absolutely no pressure to respond, i might have just needed to wright this down and see it sent off somewhere. any advice is welcome if you have it though, lol.

Sent August 16, 2024

Oof, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. There's a lot here, so I'm going to try and go through it a bit at a time and tackle everything as I go.

First, this is absolutely the kind of thing I'm here to try and help with. No worries at all on that.

Second, this is a long one, so I'm putting in a cut.

I understand hating your ADHD. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. Reaching out for help is a fantastic way to deal with those emotions.

It sounds like you were a gifted student, and now that you have less of a schedule being imposed on you, you're struggling. That is totally normal, but it also sucks a lot.

You aren't "achieving your potential" or meeting expectations, and at this point they aren't just others' expectations, they're your own. I spent several months working through this issue years ago, and it still comes up for me regularly! The friend who walked me through it was incredibly patient with me, and their job in this case seemed to mainly consist of "why do you think you need to do this thing?" and then just continually asking why until we got to the bottom of it all.

Once you know what's at the base of the expectations, you're in a way better position to decide whether they're expectations you want to try to meet.

One of the good things about getting diagnosed is that it gives you information. Now you know why things are hard, and you can start looking for solutions that will actually work with your brain. You may find some of those solutions here, and you can always ask for help with specific issues.

Now, it's possible that Ritalin/methylphenidate isn't the right medication for you. It is also possible that the dose is too low; I don't know a lot about doses for Ritalin (I was initially put on Concerta but it was Very Bad so we switched to Dexedrine/amphetamine) but I used to know someone who took 150mg Ritalin every day, so that's a thing.

As for your friends, talk to them about how they're acting. Tell them that you don't appreciate the jokes or the different treatment. Explain that ADHD has been there all along, it just wasn't discovered earlier because your giftedness hid it. You are not a different person.

Having ADHD doesn't make you stupid. We've already established that you're gifted. I know what that's like; I was this flavour of twice-exceptional, too, and I was 28 with my ADHD was finally diagnosed. I know that doesn't help how you feel right now, but it is true.

For your school stuff, talk to your instructors about getting extensions so you can try to get caught up. Go to your school's disability services office and talk to them about what you can access in terms of accommodations. Set yourself a schedule for studying and working on assignments that you stick to no matter what.

I'm not sure why your parents are disappointed. If it's your school performance, I get it. Showing them that you're doing your best will help a lot with that. If it's the ADHD itself, that's not your fault. ADHD is hugely genetic, so it's just a thing that happens and probably you have relatives who also have ADHD, or at least people who would probably qualify for a diagnosis.

Medication can take a while to figure out, and it can be difficult to deal with waiting while you get the right medication and the right dose. At the same time, you may not notice a difference right away; so much depends on the person and the medication.

Now, you are not lazy or getting "dumber" every day. You have ADHD, which means you have executive dysfunction. That is hard because the world is not set up for people like us, so when we struggle we compare ourselves to other people and that's never a good idea.

I have a suggestion for helping you feel better about yourself, and then I have some resources for you to look at.

Start a scrapbook that's just about good things about you. Make a page for things you're interested in (or a page per interest). Do something about your favourite colour, things you have done for other people, etc. The idea is that then you can look at this book and remind yourself of the good things about who you are as a person.

As for resources, here are a couple of posts over on the main Actually ADHD site that might help with some of what you're struggling with. Most of the posts there include printables, so do have a look and see if those might help you at all.

Followers, do you have any other suggestions for this anon?

-J

[auspicioustidings]

I can just see the 141 brining Maze and Alex into to convince bad girl that they were coming for her all along and it just going horribly wrong.

Using them as evidence that they were helping her but it backfires and she thinks that the 141 were trying to make her into an attack dog and once that was proven (with her breakout) they want her back.

I want a version of a happy ending for bad girl but I just keep thinking of all these horrible things! Someone get her therapy and lots of cuddles!

God they are so stupid 😩

This absolutely sounds like something they would do. Like look! Mace helped you! (oh he was your pet once? So he helped you, nothing to do with me). Alex was undercover the whole time! (ah, so when it was just me there that wasn't a good enough reason to break cover, but he broke it for good boy). No, you don't understand, even Nikto wanted you out and he's a complete headcase! (you know Nikto. You know him so that's what this was, sending me to him for training.)

It's so frustrating because I know in my heart they are also doing things that bring you around without realising.

Soap spends weeks learning to make the perfect iteration of your favourite meal. When he first met you, he loved the healthy layers of fat he got to sink his fingers into. Now you are so much smaller and it makes him so sad because he knows if they had never taken you then you wouldn't be. He first off spent a lot of time coaxing good boy into telling him. Good boy has retreated back into pet mode, he's miserable but unlike you he is openly desperate for love and adoration from them all and they give it in spades. It means getting a human answer from him was tricky, but Soap did it. Then he went travelling all over the place to get only the best ingredients, did a ton of research on it. Nearly burned the kitchen down twice. Every person in that house is sick of this meal because they have all had to taste test every iteration of it until it was actually good. Except for good boy of course.

That's why the gesture maybe got to you a bit. Good boy is allergic to things in this meal. At first when Soap brought it to you, you tackled him and tried to go for his throat because is he crazy? Good boy is allergic! But he tells you not to worry, he knows that. It's difficult for you to wrap your head around. This was not for good boy. Good boy could get no enjoyment out of this. This was just for you. He tried so hard just for you.

Ghost keeps bringing you books even though you destroy them. He never yells at you for it, never even acknowledges it. It isn't like him and it puts you on edge. It terrifies you the day you crawl into a corner and actual start reading one because he doesn't react to that either, doesn't try to praise you or encourage it, just brings you some tea and a little plate of snacks and sets them by your side. It's Lady Grey tea. The only people that know it's your favourite are Mace and Roze because anytime you were in recovery they gave you different teas to see which you liked best.

Price and Ale persevere. You don't want them close. You bite at them and scratch at them and scream at them. You try and push them to hit you. You want them to punish you, to call you bad girl. But they don't, they just hold you and refuse to let go no matter how much you struggle. It's the only time you sleep well, when you are safe between them, settled into their arms.

Gaz and Rudy don't trust themselves. They've both fucked up already, made things so much worse for you when they thought they were making them better. So this time they consider actually asking for help from someone who will always put you first. It's terrifying. Kate is not like them. If you went to her and said you never wanted to wear a collar or be a pet or see them ever again, she would make that happen. They talk to Alex about it. How did he feel when Kate took Farah? Is he bitter because he doesn't see her anymore?

But he does. They never knew that. It took years, but one day he answered his phone to Kate and it was Farah on the other end. His Farah, the one who he fucked up with beyond believe. The one who wound up in the pound because of his mistakes. He does see her now and he smiles when he talks about her because she's bold and brilliant again. He says he met her for coffee and she laughed at him because he immediately burst into tears seeing her so vibrant and healthy. They're working on it because there is still so much pain in their past, but he's so willing to take whatever he gives her because he loves her. And despite his reservations, he actually loves that Kate loves her because she deserves the world from whoever can give it to her.

It's a tense discussion. They are selfish men. The 141 let you go once and it is difficult to face the idea of doing it again. So what it comes down to is do they throw their all into training you again? Do they break you back down to a pet, force you to be brainless and happy with them if it's the last thing they do? Or do they sacrifice their ownership of you for the slim chance that one day you come back to them on your own? Knowing that you probably won't. Knowing that losing you means losing the version of good boy that is happy. Maybe losing the version of them that is happy too.

[formula1fanfiction]

Pierre Gasly / Max Verstappen

Title: I'm all yours, i've got no control

Pairing: Pierre Gasly / Max Verstappen

Characters: Pierre Gasly, Max Verstappen, Charles Leclerc, George Russell, Carlos Sainz, Lewis Hamilton

Prompt: Gasly-Max, fighting for world championship is create so much pressure and to Max the best way is to deal with is fucking other drivers

The best way to deal with pressure of winning world championships? Sex. It's the races that he can't control that get to him the most. His car blowing up on him is not ideal. He kicks what's left of his car in frustration and thinks of potential fucks.  

George? He's been a good fuck in the past, very pliant and happy to do anything but George crashed today and he went there after Singapore and George had just cried all over his cock. He doesn't want to comfort someone, he wants to fuck them.

Charles? Another good previous fuck, but Charles has been on the podium today and he's the type of person who can't contain his own excitement and he's not in the mood for Charles' bragging right now.

Lewis would just say no, as would Carlos, Checo and Fernando Alonso. Then it hits him Gasly. He's not been with the Frenchman for a long time, not since he was demoted from Red bull, but it had always been good fun.

"Gasly." He finds Pierre in the lobby of the hotel. "Max?" Pierre turns around a smile on his face. Max has never noticed before, but he's beautiful. "Did you want something?" Max realises his been staring at him for too long.

 "Remember in 2019 when you would sub for me when things weren't going well? Do you still do that?" A flicker of something flashes on Pierre's face, something Max can't read but he quickly changes it back to a smile.

"Well I was going to celebrate with Charles and I don't really bottom any more but I guess I can make a one off exception for you." Max is bouncing on the soles of his feet in delight as he leads Pierre back to his hotel room.

"Are we just going to get into it?" Pierre shrugs his Alpine jacket off and lays it over the arm of the chair. "Yes, does the traffic light system still work for you?" Pierre shrugs. "That works for me."

Max decides it's time just to get fucking on with it, Pierre yelps being taken completely by surprise, he's rugby tackled onto the bed, hands pinned either side of his head. "What's your colour on this?" Max asks, his hand sneaking down Pierre's chest, pushing up his team shirt and squeezes his nipple. "Green."  

"Do you still love it Pierre? Being tied to the bed and coming on my cock alone?" Max dips his head down and bites Pierre's right nipple, he Frenchman hisses underneath. "Whatever you want, sir."  sir, fuck he wasn't expecting that.

"Good thing I came prepared to deal with sluts." Max always comes prepared for his kinky fantasies and takes out two pair of hand cuffs from the draw in the night stand. "Do you always travel to race weekends with handcuffs sir." Max bites his lip to stop himself smiling. "I do, actually."

Max locks the first pair around Pierre's right wrist and attaches it to the bed. "Colour?" Pierre's eyes darken with lust the blue completely disappearing and turning black "Green, sir." Max nods approvingly and repeats the action with the left wrist.

"You look very comfortable for someone who says he isn't a bottom anymore." Pierre shrugs, the best he can anyway. "Maybe, I like the fact you can do anything you want to me sir and i'm helpless." Fuck, Max almost comes in his pants.

Pierre pulls lightly on his restraints just to test them but is cut off when Max lightly smacks his thigh. "Stop that or ill spank you."Sorry Daddy." Pierre whispers. Fucking Pierre, knows exactly what he's doing, driving Max bloody insane that is.

Max decides to ignore the daddy comment, not giving Pierre the satisfaction, instead he takes out a bottle of lube and a condom. Max drizzles the lube over his fingers and pushes up Pierre's hips, until they are pressed up against his own chest. "Daddy..." Pierre whines, like the little brat that he is but Max catches him off guard and pushes a single digit inside, twisting his finger, Pierre accepts the first finger easily, pretty suspicious for someone who is a top but Max doesn't comment on it and, adds  a second finger.

Max takes a long time opening Pierre up just to piss of the other man. "Daddy please, I need your cock." Max ignores him completely and strokes over his prostate, drawing groans from the older  man. "Daddy." Pierre whines even more, bucking his hips up into thin air, trying to get any type friction. Max only takes pity on him when the bulge in his own jeans becomes too hard to handle.

Pierre watches, his mouth watering as Max pulls down his pants and boxers together, freeing his massive cock. Max takes himself into his own hand and gives himself a few strokes, forcing himself to stop and quickly rolls on the condom. "Colour, Pierre?"

"Green." That's all consent Max needs, he nudges the head of his cock against Pierre's lube slick entrance  and slams inside with one hard thrust. Pierre growls and digs his fingers into the metal of the cuffs. "Love it when you fill me up with your cock." Max has to use every inch of his will power to hold back from fucking Pierre senselessly. "daddy, please." Pierre whines and tries to push his hips up and down,  however Max has his hips in a tight grip, not letting the Frenchman move at all.

"Such a naughty slut, begging for me like that." Max, just can't take teasing Pierre anymore, his own cock is crying for attention buried inside of Pierre. Max pulls all the way out, only to slam back inside of him this time, picking up a rough, deep pace, slamming inside Pierre with a mighty force. Pierre makes the cutest noises when he's been fucked hard, each little sound only turns Max on even more. Max finds Pierre's prostate petty quickly  and angles each of his thrusts to hit the swollen gland, pulling even more noises from Pierre's throat.

"I need to come, fuck." Pierre arches his hips up off the bed, Max quickly puts a stop to it and grips his hand tightly around the base of Robert's cock. "Bad little sluts have to wait until Daddy comes first." He can't believe he's using Pierre's embarrassing words, but he's way too gone to give a shit.

Max  pounds into Pierre with all his might as he feels his orgasm building into the pit of his stomach, it only takes three more thrusts and he's coming inside of the condom. Max pulls out and rolls off the condom, making Pierre whine in frustration. "Daddy?"

"Do you think you deserve to come? Sweet little Pierre." Max  asks as he starts teasing Pierre's cock, dragging his hand up and down the pulsating member really slowly. "Please daddy, i've been a really good boy" Max starts to stroke the hard cock a little quicker. "Ok baby, come for daddy." That's all Pierre needs to hear and he's coming hard, shooting his load high into the air and splattering all over his own chest. "Good boy, daddy's good boy."

Max cringes as he reaches over and releases Pierre's hands from the handcuffs. "Can't believe you have a daddy kink." Pierre giggles. "I don't, I just knew I could get you to play along."

Somehow, despite Pierre being the one locked up, it feels like Max was never really in control at all but it's made him feel a hell of a lot better.