#(and the shit i hadnt done right had been in part due to me being unfamiliar w the testing site + stupid people on the road)

[lighthouseas]

girl who needs anxiety medication so badly. like right now. preferably

[gwemrys]

I love your Merlin & Gwen content! I was wondering if you had thoughts on if an earlier magic reveal had happened for them (I personally like to headcanon the perfect timing for that would have been the Lamia episode) and what you would’ve wanted out of it.

omg..... I DO HAVE THOUGHTS ON THAT.. MANY OF THEM 💖.......(shit this turned into an essay abt their soulmate bond first fbdnfj i promise i will get to the point somewhere in there LMAO.) passionate monologue in 3 2 1

LETS GO so from the moment gwen first saw merlin she has been ....strongly Intrigued by his strangeness. it was like WHAT a weirdo but i like it...... she saw him and immediately felt the burning desire to be connected to him in some way shape or form .. friendship? romance? WHATEVER JUST KEEP HIM! she was used to lunatics bc she lived in camelot but with this lunatic it was like. it was like ‘ive consistently had no clue what the fuck he is on about but his soul feels familiar and warm and safe and also he is crazy. and he radiates something unique and it feels connected to his strangeness but i cant seem to understand what it is? and it feels like the only thing that matters right now is to keep him close to me?’

so she does. shes there for him when he needs her and hes there for her when she needs him (she almost feels like he has helped her without telling her? as if a lot goes on that he doesnt talk about...)

as time goes on more n more impossible things happen when merlin is around and stories dont seem to add up at all..... she gets so used to merlin being Different that it doesnt rly occupy her mind, she kind of brushes it off bc yeah merlin is merlin :) but it remains in her subconscious and there are times when it resurfaces.

lamia is one of the episodes where i think she first realised that this “being different” of merlin was.... not as trivial as she had made it to be in her mind..

(but thinking of possible explanations scared her bc it Could mean that merlin had rly been forced to live with being in deathly peril every second of his life and on top of that having to keep it secret.. so she didnt ask for more answers and instinctively just pushed the idea to her subconscious before she could rly consider it)

fast forward to sword in the stone pt2. gwen is about to fatally lose her one-on-one battle with morgana when morgana flies back and the corridor proceeds to explode, both things for.... NO reason. it has to be. magic....?

which shouldve frightened her bc she is standing in the same corridor and there is no way to know if she is in danger too but before she has the chance to feel scared she hears a familiar voice say ‘you alright?’

and that. is when it clicked.

her shock wasnt due to the mere fact that merlin, her best friend, had magic. she was shocked because she had known.... and denied it to herself.. but she had always known in some way. and it had never made him seem scarier of more evil or in any way less deserving of her love and loyalty

as the dust in the corridor clears and she looks at merlin’s just as shocked face she remembers something morgana had said earlier: ‘not even emrys can save you now.’ — followed by her own magic failing her..?

both gwen and merlin seem too shocked to bring out any words for a few long seconds, and merlin seems anxious, almost unbelieving of what he had just done in front of her eyes, waiting for her to demand an explanation.

“merlin,” she manages to bring out. “thank you.” and her smile now comes more easily than her words did.

a simple confirmation that yes, she had seen. and no, she could never hate him for it.

his face hadnt completely shaken off the expression of shock yet when he cautiously returned the smile. she held out her hand and he took it, and they silently returned to the other part of the castle. later there would be time for talking. right now theres a battle going on.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

model citizen ricky horror x reader

+++++++++

college au

prompt: Character A sitting in a college 7am lecture and Character B sitting next to them pouring an energy drink into their coffee and says, "I'm going to die." (First interaction)

Song: pretty little distance by as it is

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @svintsandghosts @theoneandonlykymberlee @alilpunkrock @cynic-spirit @thisplace-ishaunted @lifeisabitchandsoareyou @xyours-eternallyx

+++++++++

i walked into the room and huffed as i took my seat, reaching into my bag for my notebook and a pen. i hated having a 9am again and missed being able to sleep-in like i did last semester. this was the first day though and i was hopeful my mind would change about it as the course went on. it probably wouldnt though. i sat there, catching a few more students walk in as i looked down at my phone.

nothing was too exciting yet and the teacher hadnt even shown up. i was more-so ready for the new art class though. it was my major after all and i was pretty well known by the professors at this point. as i sat there, a loud clatter grabbed my attention, making me look to my right. there was sat a shorter, skinny kid, with long inky black hair tucked under a beanie. my eyes went wide as he cracked the monster in his hand open, pouring it into his half=full trenta cup from Starbucks. he looked over at me and smiled.

"im going to die."

he said in the most sure-fire tone before putting the lid back on the cup and chugging it. i sat there in horror staring at him.

"are you okay?"

i asked and he shrugged, looking at me over the top of the cup. he had the bluest eyes i had ever seen, even in the low light of the art room. i was a little start struck for a second before shaking myself out of my daze, watching him put the cup down against the desk with a thud.

"if i pass out during class just push me out of the way and ill figure something out later."

he said, turning forward. i went to say something just as the teacher walked in.

"y/n! good to see you back. we missed you last semester."

professor crane said, looking to the student teacher as he ducked behind him and paced quickly to the front desk. his gaze followed him too before he shrugged and turned back to me with a smile.

"whatever, im sure he missed you too. but either way its good to have you back in class and i look forward to seeing what you come up with for the showcase in march."

i nodded with a smile before he walked away to the front of the class, instructing everyone to take their seats.

"you come here often?"

i heard from the kid next to me, hearing him laugh to himself as he took another drink of his coffee/monster concoction.

"yes, actually. im an art major."

i said a little dumbfounded. he nodded.

"cool, im here for film."

i drew my brows.

"youre doing film?"

i asked and he winked at me, looking to Brian as he turned the projector on. i opened my mouth before closing it quickly, feeling a little more confused than before.

"alright, first things first. i only make a syllabus because administration says i have to. the schedule is shit and we will most likely be doing something completely different so i suggest you keep a planner or something to keep track of your assignments. secondly, i will get to it later but i want you to start thinking about your projects for the spring showcase in march. we have a few short months so after you learn the basics of form you will be instructed to sketch something in your own style and present it to the board."

my mind went in and out after that, trying to catch quick glances at the kid next to me without being suspicious. every time he moved i could feel my heart pulse, giving me anxiety that he could actually pass out or something.

"y/n, your partner for this project will be mr olson."

brian said, standing over me and looking between the two of us. i nodded with wide eyes as he moved to the two kids behind us.

"guess that means we have pretty high chances at getting an A."

he said, raising his cup in cheers. i looked down at the assignment sheet, grazing over it and groaning. we had to come up with a comic strip in different style parts; the first panel a base sketch, the second panel a hard sketch, the third panel color blocking, and so on. god this was gonna be a nightmare.

"you dont seem too enthused."

the kid said amused. i sent him a testing look.

"im not, ive done something similar before and you have to get every step just right or they take points off. and we have to prove what parts we did."

i said, rolling my eyes. i looked over to him, blinking as a camera flash went off. i drew my brows as he looked down at the screen on it.

"where did you even get that?"

i asked, trying to inspect him. he sent me a smile.

"i always keep it on me. im ricky by the way, and you look great."

he said amused and i breathed deeply.

"y/n."

i said, looking back to the paper.

"well y/n i think this is going to be a great partnership-"

"alright!"

brian called, cutting him off.

"you have your assignments. i have nothing else for you today so you are welcome to either stay here and work until class time is over or you can leave and work on it on your own time. i dont really care either way, just get it done."

i hummed to myself before stuffing my notebook and the assignment sheet into my bag and standing up. i caught a glimpse of ricky starting at me with wide eyes as i turned to leave.

"what are you doing?"

he asked and i looked between him and the door, pointing at it.

"leaving, its not due for another week."

i started off, hearing him shuffle around before chasing after me.

"hey wait! cant we like plan what we're doing or something?"

he asked and i shrugged, looking over to him as he tried to put his paper in his backpack and hold the camera and cup of coffee. i stopped, staring at him as he struggled. i rolled my eyes, taking the cup and the camera from him. he looked to me in shock and i raised my brows.

"get to it, i dont have all day."

i said and he finished what he was doing, zipping his bag up and slinging it over it shoulder. i handed him the cup and camera back and kept walking.

"so uh, what kind of thing did you have in mind for this project?"

he asked and i looked to the sky, squinting but trying to think as we made it outside.

"i dont know, maybe a ball of some kind?"

he raised a brow, shuffling his feet as he tried to keep up with my long strides.

"like masks and large dresses?"

he asked and i nodded, opening the door to dinging hall.

"something like that yeah."

he nodded as i led us to a table.

"that sounds cool, i could get behind that."

i sent him a knowing look.

"you seem like the kind of guy who would."

i said, pulling my sketchpad out. he raised a brow, sitting beside me.

"whats that supposed to mean?"

he asked and i sent him  a look.

"im assuming you like vampires, and the Edwardian thing usually goes hand in hand with that."

he sent me a nervous smile.

"is it that obvious?"

he asked, rubbing his hands against his pants. i nodded.

"thats okay though, cause i like them too. so much so that i have costumes already, we can pose for each other. i think youd look great in this."

i said, sliding my phone across the table to show him the outfit i had for it. i just hoped it would fit him.

"you seem like youve been planning this for a while."

he said through a laugh and i shrugged.

"i just like to feel fancy, the projects on the other hand kind of fall into my lap."

i said, flipping through a few pages in my book. he placed his hand on one before taking it from me and looking over it.

"this looks insane."

he said and i looked around awkwardly.

"in a good way?"

i asked, finding his gaze.

"oh! yeah! of course in a good way. it looks super cool. i see why you wanted to do the ball thing now."

he commented, noting the sketch i had done already that was similar. it is what i was used to after all. he set the book back down in front of me and sent me a wide smile, picking his camera up and taking another picture of me.

"why do you do that?"

i asked and he laughed.

"i need models for my art and i think now that we've met you would be a great subject."

i set him a look, trying to hide the blush creeping its way up my neck.

"you really think so?"

i asked bashfully and he nodded.

"oh yeah, absolutely. and now that we're partners i think it will give me ample opportunity to find a new muse. you wanna be a subject for a music video?"

i sat back, a little taken aback.

"you want me to do what?"

i asked and he laughed, putting the camera on the table.

"in about a month my band is gonna need some girls for a video but its cool if not. i can live with us just being art project partners."

i cleared my throat, rubbing my hands together under the table.

"how about we get through this first and ill get back to you on that?"

he smiled knowingly at me, raising his coffee to me in cheers.

"sounds like a plan to me."

[targsdaenerys]

I don’t understand. Why would they change it like that? If the dialogue was originally meant for Jaime and Cersei why would they change it for Jon/Dany? Wouldn’t that death be more in line for Jaime Cersei, since it’s the valonqar? Also what’s this thing abt Bran dying?

i honestly can’t understand either, my friend. i frankly havent read all of the script shit because i got too frustrated by just its highlights. this turned out to be long, but test my thoughts. basically,

the og script had bran dying. my assumption is that dany/jon either ending up on the throne or fucking off to somewhere on drogon, and sansa as queen of the seven kingdoms. she very well could not have been, so pls dont take my word for it.

there was some hbo email scandal that may have leaked the possibility of bran dying. and even tho we all were like….k….

writers decided to derail the whole ending to get the shock that had been taken away from them back.

because a character that legit wasnt in a whole season’s fate is more important than the very face of, not only the show, but modern feminism for the last ten years’. 

instead of just having bran…live? they went with the whole kot7k. but that caused conflicts with the storyline.

hence, thats where the whole death scene swap happened.

this makes me think they werent planning on dany dying. atleast not getting killed. reason being, the whole scene could’ve easily went the same, but instead of him…killing her…she could realize she was not going to be able to rule the way she thought with her new reputation. she orders drogon to burn the throne and they fuck off to essos or something together.

but i think they knew if bran was next in line for throne,  braindead or not, theyd have to get dany out of the way first. again, bran has nothing. no armies. no way to continue the family line. hed be easily overtaken by dany if she stayed. and for some reason, the writers couldnt think of a reason for her to leave, so they went with just killing her. shock and more shock. yipee. 

now they needed a death scene. they need it honorable to the character. hmm, where to find…oh! we have one of those! maybe not honorable to this character, but definitely honorable to a character!

they probably hoped that we were just so done with cersei that we didnt care. we were so done with cersei, but we hadnt forgotten the past seven seasons of love-hating this character and wanting her to die in the best(worse) way possible. i guess they did, though.

if anything, jamie and cerseis death could have also been jonerys’s via the lines which would have gone SO WELL if they allowed dany to be pregnant. i think we saw a scene with a belly? but highly doubt it since that was the lamest death ever. it was clear that they gave the valonquar scene to jonerys and were like o shit. welp, lets…write this half-assed one.

and it infuriates me that this all points to the fact that…dany probably wasnt supposed to go as mad as she did. she probably was going on the route of revenge, only for jon to pull her out of it. but the bran non death blew everything so out of proportion that they had to make everyone hate her within the three episodes withut having to change ALL the writing. hence to nazi regime shit.

and the reason why i believe that is because of all the shit that just doesnt make sense. for seven seasons, pacing has been so good. deaths have been so good. prophecies and buildup have been so good. the valonquar, the parentage, the baby foreshadowing…all of it was thrown away. and RIGHT when all the pre-season leakers said they would come into play. everything i just listed were stated by reliable sources that it was to happen in either episode 4,5, or 6. i know some people took it from sets, but…fans came up with better endings. more complex ones. they have given us more complex shit. the reason why the show was successful was because of that. the first half of the season was that same amount, too. everything died with the night king. 

worst part is it sounds like we got it. we got the ending we wanted for her, perhaps even for them. but we didnt get it.

tl;dr: the writers likely fucked up the ending because of a rewrite due to a possible leak of bran’s death. 

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #187

UPDATE 187: Love Confession

Last time Dirk took back the narrative, and Jade was knocked out for months. Also, Jane won the election, it’s a victory for the neoliberal austerity measures. Viva la Crocker! So what now? Let’s see.

We make a quick stop back at Rose’s apartment. She understandably wants to pack a few things before we leave this planet forever.

...okay, the update has barely started and there’s already some big news. So Dirk’s leaving the planet with Rose? Why? Is this an important part of his assimilation plan? Or is he doing this just to spite Kanaya, because he clearly has dedicated a lot of effort to making her run in circles? Dirk, explain!

She’ll have to leave her current body soon if she’s going to survive the absolute realization of her Ultimate Self. The new body I’ve made for her won’t have much use for her usual ensembles. That’s all I was saying.

The first thought I had was that she was going to ascend and turn into some kind of metaphysical existence, then I read the part about ‘the new body I’ve made for her’. Could it be a robot? I remember Dirk is superb with robotics. Pretty creepy of him to shove Rose’s consciousness into a robot, really. Kanaya isn’t going to be happy at all with this.

At least there’s still enough Rose in that head she wants to pick up stuff because of the memories. There’s still hope if she’s taken away from Dirk, perhaps? Hard to know. Rose hardly will be safe as long as Dirk has control over the narration, anyway.

Apparently Dirk knows nothing about jewelry, because he calls a necklace a ‘rock rope’. I know it’s unlikely the version of Earth he came from had any use for jewelry given...well...he was one of the two humans that remained alive and also everything was ruinous and gone, but seriously, Dirk, pay attention, haha! Rock rope, seriously...

I expect at least an aggravated retort, but nothing comes.

I glance back and see that her eyes have grown glassy and distant, like two round-cut amethysts. Her smile seems due less to fondness than stupefaction. The circles under her eyes are dark, and her head is cushioned on an arm bent beneath it. Keeping her eyes trained on me seems to be the only energy she’s able to expend anymore. The omniscience sickness is wreaking havoc on her. I should hurry up.

I’m glad I never had to feel whatever she’s going through. Not everyone can be built like me. It just means I carry a greater responsibility to take care of those more fragile. Especially the ones most important to me.

It sounds like Rose would have been going through a lot of trouble even if Dirk hadn’t been messing around with her head, but nothing of what he has done is good for her. Since she’s not in any condition to make sure Dirk picks up the right things, he just shoves everything in a bag or something and calls it a day.

ROSE: Are you sure Kanaya is going to be ok with this?

She’s so far gone she can’t even tell Kanaya of course wouldn’t be okay with this. Damn, Rose, this epilogue hasn’t been kind to you at all. First it makes you omniscient and have killer migraines, now it’s drying your brain like a raisin so maybe you can be shoved into a robot while you’re being taken out of the planet to who knows where. Then again, who has this epilogue been kind to?

Dirk states he’ll make Kanaya understand, by which I imagine he means he’ll make her go around the Earth as if she was playing Where in the World is Rose Lalonde. Given how Kanaya won’t accept anything that isn’t Rose being freed, talking to her won’t be an option.

Speaking of Kanaya, she’s currently rushing towards the apartment, possibly having noticed Rose is there, and stop to take out her phone and plan what she’ll say to Dirk.

Is she sure she’s not misunderstanding something? Could she have misread the signals, or falsely assigned nefarious intent to a perfectly innocent series of events?

Honestly at this point I doubt anything of what Dirk has said to her can be construed as a ‘perfectly innocent series of events’. I mean, almost all of it has been left up to imagination, but Dirk already admitted he’s okay with messing around with Kanaya, so I doubt he has even pretended to make it look like this isn’t a kidnapping.

By now it’s pretty clear where there’s orange text there’ll be gaslighting. He takes advantage of his narrative powers to fill Kanaya with doubts and make her think she’s misinterpreting so many things. He’s even making her doubt of maybe being with her is good for Rose. It gets to the point where she tries to call Rose again and, this time, Dirk lets her answer, most likely because he knows he has managed to get the reactions and feelings he wanted her to feel.

KANAYA: Rose Its Okay

KANAYA: I Know Everything

ROSE: You... you do?

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: I Understand Whats Going On Now

KANAYA: I Just Want You To Know

KANAYA: How Happy You Made Me

ROSE: Oh, Kanaya...

KANAYA: I Wont Be Long

KANAYA: I Just Need To Say A Couple Things

KANAYA: While I Can

KANAYA: Before I Get Too Emotional About This

KANAYA: I Finally Get It

KANAYA: I Know You And He Belong Together

KANAYA: I Really Hope You Will Both Be Happy

KANAYA: Wherever Youre Going And Whatever You Decide To Do

KANAYA: I Will Always Be Thinking Of You

KANAYA: And Be Grateful For The Life We Had Together

ROSE: I...

ROSE: I’ll always remember you, Kanaya.

ROSE: Thank you so much for understanding.

And with this the path is clear and Kanaya won’t interfere anymore. Dirk has once again gotten away with whatever he’s trying to do. Congratulations, Dirk. Now what? He takes the phone to speak to her. Now that Kanaya isn’t upset and raring to rescue Rose, they have a short conversation.

DIRK: You’ve probably heard by now that Jade is sick.

DIRK: In a coma or something? She’s in the hospital.

KANAYA: Yes

DIRK: I’ve got an antidote for that. Medicine of sorts.

DIRK: If you give it to her, it should wake her up almost immediately.

DIRK: I left it here on the counter in your apartment.

I sure as hell don’t trust anything Dirk can give them. I’m almost certain that supposed antidote or medicine is none of that, and will make her worse. What’s more, won’t this make them suspicious? This would certainly show Dirk knows more about what happened to Jade than what he has told them. Heck, as I mentioned last update, this isn’t the first time he has used tranquilizers. Someone should have been able to make the connection, no?

Dirk sedates Rose with his trademark horse tranquilizers and takes her away. Also...

It slips my mind to bring along her bag of stuff.

I find that impossible to believe. No way Dirk just forgot, he intentionally left that behind, Mr. Multitasking, the guy Jane said would be unlikely to forget even little details.

Back at Dave and Karkaroni’s home, they still were in denial about their defeat in the political world, and now are watching Jane’s inauguration. This is such a bad spectacle for them Dave immediately proposes to get drunk. He’s down with alcoholism now. Oh boy. He also has been wondering for a while if there was anything they could have done different that could have led to their victory. Hardly, as Jake’s endorsement was going to be the cornerstone of their victory, but he still wonders that.

DAVE: i just keep imagining what wouldve happened if that absurd rube goldberg machine of life ruining humiliation had been stopped at any point

DAVE: maybe just being backstabbed by his endorsement alone was something we couldve recovered from with some rigorous counter campaigning

DAVE: but what if i had been fast enough to cut him off before hed even said anything

DAVE: what if i hadnt accidentally fallen on him on the stage when i was rushing over there to stop him

DAVE: what if he hadnt freaked out like i set off fireworks next to a nam vet and started trying to fucking scrum me

DAVE: what if id just backed away from his punch with my legs like a normal person instead of warping the flow of time to escape causing him to become so startled he shit his pants

DAVE: what if i hadnt gotten so visibly grossed out by the smell that even the people watching it on tv could tell what had happened

DAVE: what if he hadnt started sobbing when the audience in the front rows started throwing up

DAVE: what if wed had better security and stopped that lady from running onstage during the fracas and announcing that jake has been dodging paying child support for their 3 kids

Ah.

...

You know, I’m not really a fan of Jake. He’s okay as a character, but I don’t like him that much. Still, I keep having the impression his entire existence in Homestuck for quite a while is to be the author’s punching bag. The guy can’t have any dignity, can he? That aside, Dirk wasn’t in charge of the narrative back then because he was busy ogling over John and Terezi’s heartfelt conversations, so all that happened without his intervention. Poor Jake...

Also, so many people are very into getting Karkaroni and Dave together. While I like that thought, it feels rather invasive of everyone to be so invested in it. At this rate they’ll make the relationship fail before it has even started.

Karkaroni is a bit relieved he didn’t win, but...after the humiliation of losing to anyone in such a public manner I imagine he’s not going to be thrilled with the attention. Even if he’s loved by the public it still will get some comments and words of support, and he’s not the type to take those things quietly. Good thing he almost doesn’t leave the hive.

If Karkat had anything resembling a spine, he’d turn to Dave with those big, sparkling shoujo eyes and finally open his tsundere heart to consummating their painfully obvious and mutually reciprocated passion

How quaint, my eyes somehow went blind momentarily as soon as the words ‘sparkling shoujo eyes’ were said in reference to Karkaroni. What a curious phenomenon.

Somehow, trying to manipulate Dave into confessing his feelings towards Karkaroni is the line Dirk refuses to cross. Really? That’s your line in the sand? Okay then. So he’s going to let these two handle things their way, although with some prodding via narrative, I suppose. Oh, that’s what this page will be about! I see! Alright, continue.

Karkaroni begins by thanking Dave for everything.

KARKAT: EVEN IF WE DIDN’T WIN, I’M GLAD WE TRIED.

KARKAT: I’M GLAD WE WENT THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

DAVE: me too

KARKAT: MORE THAN ANYTHING, I... YOU...

KARKAT: YOU BELIEVE IN ME IN A WAY NOBODY EVER HAS BEFORE.

KARKAT: MORE THAN I’VE EVER BEEN ABLE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

Aw, that’s sweet! He really appreciates the support and it’s easy for him to believe Dave means everything he says. When anyone else tells him they like and support him it feels like condescending kindness, but it’s different with Dave. That’s what Karkaroni is saying.

KARKAT: YOU’RE ON MY LEVEL. AND I’M ON YOURS.

KARKAT: I BELIEVE THAT YOU SEE ME IN FRONT OF YOU THE WAY I ACTUALLY AM, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, AND STILL LIKE ME ANYWAY.

KARKAT: SO EVEN THOUGH IT’S STILL HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF A LOT OF THE TIME,

KARKAT: I BELIEVE IN YOU, SO I DON’T NEED TO.

DAVE: so what youre saying is you believe in me who believes in you

They’re kindred spirits, pretty much. Even if they don’t get together, they’re likely to be good friends for a very long time, if not forever. That’ll do them both some good, especially in these coming times of bad economy and neoliberal austerity measures. Besides, without Jade messing around with ridiculous threesome thirst, things are bound to be less tense around here. The future is...not looking bright, but at least they’ll have each other as support.

KARKAT: YEAH, KIND OF?

KARKAT: FUCK, MAN. THAT’S KIND OF DEEP.

DAVE: i know

KARKAT: SO, YEAH.

KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I’VE NEVER REALLY FELT BEFORE.

KARKAT: AND I’M GLAD YOU’RE...

KARKAT: THAT WE’RE...

Come on. You’re so close.

KARKAT: I’M GLAD YOU’RE MY FRIEND, DAVE.

Aw, that’s fantastic! Look at that, Karkaroni said aloud he appreciates Dave this much, and he did it to his face! This kind of thing is real difficult for him, so the fact he felt the spontaneous need to tell this to Dave is pretty nice. They have come quite a long way since their first interactions in like Act 3 or so.

Dave pretty much says ‘oh. Same.’, which is as much emotional reciprocation as Dave can give, I suppose, so I can’t give him much of a hard time. Dirk, on the other hand, is pretty much dying. If Dave and Karkaroni’s conversation is what makes Dirk quit controlling the narrative I’ll be so amused. This is going so well Dirk decides to press things a little, making Dave have some weird mental images and similes, but it does get Dave to continue talking.

Kind of rude to forget what you were talking about Karkaroni’s feelings, pal. Top notch friendship/almost romantic effort. But yeah, it’s now Dave’s turn to talk about his feelings, saying ‘same’ in more words.

DAVE: like maybe we feel the same way about certain things

DAVE: but what were saying and what were feeling

DAVE: maybe those arent exactly the same thing

DAVE: and maybe... we should...

KARKAT: WE SHOULD WHAT?

DAVE: maybe its time to

DAVE: talk

DAVE: about... that

Well, I guess this is progress?

KARKAT: THAT???

DAVE: yeah, like

DAVE: how... when you say were friends

DAVE: what... does that mean

KARKAT: THAT WE’RE FRIENDS?

DAVE: yeah but

DAVE: is that it?

DAVE: just friends

Oho, he’s pushing for it! Maybe Dave really feels something romantic towards Karkaroni. I’m actually a bit surprised he’s acting on that. While I personally did believe he did, I wasn’t really going to take it for granted unless more indication was given in the text and here it is. Alright!

KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT.

KARKAT: YOU’RE MY...........

KARKAT: B......

KARKAT: ......EST FRIEND.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: i see

It’s so unlike Karkaroni to hesitate like that. Does he feel the same too? I feel like, if he had no doubts about it, he’d have outright said ‘best friend’ without any ellipsis. Something in your mind, Karkaroni? Dave accepts it anyway, and that’s that. At least until Dirk keeps pressing things forward again. Geez, give them a break.

Alright, Dirk, can you not. Being too descriptive is a thing, you know.

Dave’s actually leaning forward for a kiss, Dirk making sure every little action Karkaroni does seems like he’s receptive to romantic overtures, until Dave realizes he’s having thoughts he’d never have. Which is true, really. The narration is really invasive.

KARKAT: WHAT’S WRONG?

KARKAT: DID I DO SOMETH—

DAVE: no

DAVE: i just cant

DAVE: shit

DAVE: it just feels like

It feels like nothing, Dave. Don’t worry about it.

DAVE: what the fuck is going on

DAVE: this feels really off

KARKAT: ????

DAVE: idk

DAVE: i just keep having thoughts i know id never think

He’s right. This is precisely why I say forcing things to happen is not a good idea. Look at that, it’s interfering. Way to go, Dirk, now stop metaphorically holding their head together as if they’re dolls you’re making kiss. All you did is make Dave all confused.

I take a deep breath and get myself under control. My light psychological intrusions may have only made things worse. Invested as I am in the outcome of this encounter, I know forcing their hand would be a mistake.

NO KIDDING.

If Dave passes that threshold not of his own will, it’d be a hollow victory anyway. There’s nothing I can do but settle down, step it back, and trust my boy to bring it home.

I think if Dirk forced things to happen this wouldn’t last, unless Dirk keeps his attention on their romantic relationship 24/7, and he obviously wouldn’t want to do that. Things would fall apart irreparably, I’d say, because these two are so emotionally constipated they would refuse to even consider the possibility of trying again. Just let things happen, if they happen.

What follows is several paragraphs of prose so purple I’m surprised the font is orange. Despite that it’s pretty well written, it’s descriptive and paints the scene pretty vividly. This may be the one time I like Dirk’s narration. Also, all that is being funneled into Dave’s head, so it’s like he has a narrator describing everything, which he doesn’t like. Dirk once again ruins everything when Dave had already progressed, and let me tell you, your loved one shouting in your face to some unseen influence is not attractive.

Before Karkaroni can ponder if Dave is losing his mind right in front of him, Dave just goes ahead with the kiss. There they go! What they wanted has happened. Now the thing to wonder is if it’ll last. Good luck to them!

God damn. I’m sorry. I’m blowing the description here, and missing a lot of good shit. It just caught me so off guard.

Honestly it’s better this way. No need for more, that was all that was needed. Brevity is the soul of wit, Dirk. Not that you have ever known the meaning of the word ‘brevity’.

I’m not going to intercede with a single word further, and I won’t let you, either. I won’t cheapen this beautiful moment with my base editorialization just to satisfy your voyeuristic curiousity. Frankly, I’m offended you’d even expect me to.

I expected it because you have as much tact as a baseball bat to the teeth, pal.

What they’re getting up to here is nobody’s business but theirs.

Davekat is canon, and that’s really all there is to say on the matter. Let’s give these crazy lovebirds some privacy and move on.

Thank goodness, make this twice I’m okay with Dirk’s narration. I better check outside and see what color is the moon right now. Oh, look, it’s blue. No wonder he’s being discreet.

So after these parts where Dirk was acceptable as the narrator, naturally he has to go and ruin it by meeting Jake the next page, where he immediately showers himself with rose petals and preens by bragging about any virtues he thinks he has. I’m not looking forward to him talking to Jake, especially not after the way he was talking about Jake back at the stadium for the endorsement speech. At the first sign of ridiculous gaslighting I’m calling this a day.

My guy Squarewave is here too. I need his help today, because there’s a lot of cargo to wrangle. He’s wheeling something around on a hand truck. Something about the height of Rose, roughly Rose-shaped, and wrapped in a cloth. I know she’s gonna love it the first time she sees it. But the only way she’ll be able to do that is when she’s awake and looking in a mirror.

Okay, it definitely will be a robot for Rose. Golly, there’s something really creepy about transferring a friend’s consciousness to a robot, especially when she’s in no condition to do anything about it. Then again, I suppose a robot’s processing power would help to deal with the sensory overload of all the visions and stuff. That must be Dirk’s reasoning, no? I wonder for Rose will react once she’s inside the robot, able to think clearly – if Dirk doesn’t stop her from thinking, of course.

Dirk goes straight to the point, telling he needs a spaceship, although he doesn’t mention it’s to run away from the planet. All he wants is something fast, to run away as quickly as he can to where nobody can bother him while he keeps his iron grip on everything from a distance, I suppose.

Apparently Jake thought he was going to join Dirk, so Dirk sets that straight. Now that this matter is settled, Jake asks a sensible question:

JAKE: So um... how long will you be away? Does kanaya know about all of these shenanigans?

DIRK: Yes.

DIRK: We’ve discussed it. She’s ok with it.

JAKE: Whew good to see theres no trouble in paradise. Theyve always had the most lovely marriage.

Boy that’s going to be awkward to discuss, if they ever do. There’s plenty of trouble in paradise, and all of them are shaped like Dirk.

Jake hasn’t gotten over his failed relationship with Dirk, and he asks him when he’ll be back from this romp in space. The news Dirk is never coming back devastates him. Oh hey, I just realized: is Terezi coming? This is what Dirk meant about letting her come along, right? Is she going to join them, dragging John’s corpse in a wallet? Should I expect a Terezi robot in the future?

Jake can’t come, not only because Dirk doesn’t want him anywhere near him, but also because he’ll have to support Jane in a reign that’s likely to last millions of years. Jake argues he knows nothing about strategy or policy, so I suppose he’ll stay because of his political capital? Whatever political capital he has left after the...shameful spectacle of the endorsement speech.

DIRK: Uh, Jake. Nobody wants you to do any of that.

DIRK: Well, I know Jane sure doesn’t.

JAKE: Then... what...

DIRK: You’ll just be, you know.

DIRK: Her candy boy?

JAKE: CANDY BOY???

DIRK: Yeah. Being on call.

DIRK: Serving a multimillion-year term of giving her the right kind of “presidential action” she needs to keep going. To keep her morale up and such.

DIRK: To provide her with many heirs.

DIRK: Doesn’t that sound cool?

I’m losing my patience with this ass and also with Condesce Jane. Scrolling down. Jake basically confesses he can’t live without Dirk’s presence, and Dirk puts all the blame on Jake. Where’s the arrow for the next page...ah, there it is.

Kanaya is looking for Jade’s hospital room, antidote in hand. She finds it and shows Roxy the antidote, ready to apply it to Jade. She doesn’t even explain what it is, she just injects it right away, and it doesn’t take long at all for Jade to start moving. An effective antidote! And when Jade opens her eyes, they’re green instead of black. She’s not possessed. Ah, so that’s why Dirk was okay with letting Jade wake up, she’s not under Dead Calliope’s control anymore.

Looks like during her trance there was still some sort of consciousness in her. She knows a lot, possibly in the same way Dirk, Rose and Terezi know a lot – by seeing a lot of alternate Jades. She’s taking it all rather well, without headaches or anything debilitating like what Rose had before going to see Dirk. She does have something, though: wrath. And it’s all directed at one person.

JADE: DIRK STRIDER HAS TO BE STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!

Damn right! Buuuut he’s kind of getting on a spaceship, so you’re running out of time for that. Then again, this is Jade, the one with space powers. That has to be some sort of advantage.

The next page is Dirk’s justification for his actions. It’s nothing really worthwhile, mostly that he wanted to be a good person and thought of himself that way, but given what he had to do and what powers he had, it was impossible to come across as anything but the villain, and that he admitted he was the villain now. From all this page there’s only a couple things worth going deeper into, I’d say. Let’s see...

If my agenda was to try as hard as I could to make sure no one thought I sucked, what the fuck would ever get done? How would I go about taming this world, or shaping reality for the better? And if I didn’t bother pursuing those goals, and thereby tacitly accepting the untold suffering that resulted from my inaction, wouldn’t that make me a bad person? If I try and succeed, I’m a hero, right? And if I try and fail, at least I made things interesting on my way to the grave. There would be a tragic nobility in that. And the way I see it, settling for anything less from my arc would be, frankly, pathetic.

Right. Can’t say I understand what Dirk’s plan is, other than it seems like it’s to assimilate everyone under one big god or something – most likely in a metaphorical manner – but other than that there hasn’t really been any kind of information about it. That aside, there’s something else to touch in this part.

Be okay with everyone hating you because you know what you’re doing is for the better? It’s more than fine. Has a lot of potential and grounds for some good personal conflict. It’d indeed be tragically noble. Buuuut none of what I read in this epilogue says it’s a tragically noble. In terms of writing, Dirk seriously is going to succeed on making every character in Homestuck loathe him, judging by the way Jade already woke up and is ready to scream her head off about how Dirk has to be stopped, so he has that much right. All that is more than fine, and it certainly would be a hella interesting story if it wasn’t an epilogue.

The problem is that Dirk controlled the narrative and showed exactly what was going on in his head. The reader could see very clearly what he thought of everyone, the reader saw what kind of choice words he had to say about people like John or Jake or anyone else. The reader saw all the disdain towards pretty much everything and how Dirk kept patting himself on the back. After all that, this entire page of Dirk justifying how it’s okay if he’s the villain comes across as very delusional. It’s pretty hard to think of any of this as ‘tragic nobility’ when the narrative showed very well he’s pretty rotten to the core.

Which would have been excellent if this had been anything other than Homestuck, really. It’d have been such an interesting thing, and so enjoyable. Alas. Still going to talk about that once I’m done with the epilogue.

The other thing I think is worth seeing is this:

That’s why when someone finally comes knocking for the price I owe, I’ll fully welcome it. By then it’ll have been a long time coming, and I’ll probably have done more than my share to make sure, somewhere along the way, it all got put into motion. What good is a villain who doesn’t have a satisfying dramatic comeuppance in store for him? So yeah, the next time I die, let’s pencil it in as a Just Death. And let’s also have it on good authority that the next time Dave cuts off my head, it’ll be for good.

I’ll be looking forward to that day just as much as the next guy.

He already has decided how it’ll be. I don’t doubt he’ll let it happen because, well, he controls the narrative, and my guess is that he wouldn’t let anyone but Dave kill him. Who better than him? And in what other manner but making the meme happen once again? Even during death Dirk Strider has to stick to his memes. Wouldn’t be surprised if when the time comes he intentionally writes things so Dave decapitates him instead of, say, stab him through the gut with the sword.

Aaaalso, is this implying said ‘satisfying dramatic comeuppance’ isn’t coming in this epilogue? Kind of say that coming, really. I heard the Meat epilogue has forty-something pages and this is page 41. There’s not really a lot of space left to do a dramatic confrontation that’s not rushed, unless you forgo everything like setting it up and just teleport everybody to the moment of Dirk’s death. Then again, this is Homestuck. Clean, tidy conclusions aren’t really its thing, haha, so I didn’t really think there’d be any kind of confrontation with Dirk. If Lord English didn’t get one in the story itself, why would Dirk Strider of all people get it?

The next page starts with quite the long conversation. Let’s see...

So, Jade is immediately alarmed while Kanaya is appeasing her, saying everything is okay. Roxy is going to be so confused, being the only one here who hasn’t been involved in Dirk’s antics at all. Now that I think about it, Roxy is the only one who hasn’t been kicked to the curb by this epilogue, I suppose it’s because she’s been pretty much a nonentity during the epilogue except for a conversation or two that didn’t really have anything to do with the other plots. Then again, Calliope had even less and she ended traumatized.

KANAYA: Hes Going To Take Good Care Of Rose

KANAYA: Probably Much Better Than Id Ever Be Able To

KANAYA: Ill Miss Her But Im At Least Thankful For That

JADE: THANKFUL??

JADE: kanaya...

JADE: did

JADE: did dirk KIDNAP ROSE?!

Yes! He very much did! Make sure when you rescue her her mind is in her body instead of inside a robot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to convince everyone to take an empty husk away, saying she’s in a coma or something.

Things are so bad Roxy sounds indignant. I feel bad for her, it’s going to be tough to hear such things about one of her oldest friends. Jade asks questions to find out if Kanaya being okay with these developments was an attitude she arrived to by her own volition or if Dirk influenced her in some manner. As soon as the answer is said she knows it’s Dirk’s influence.

It’s fine, Kanaya. Why don’t we just say I’m invoking the mercy rule here. Jade is onto me obviously. But I wouldn’t have even let her wake up if there was anything you all could do about it by now. As the cherub resurfaces in her mind, I’ll be fading out of here soon anyway. I don’t see any reason to keep my dear friends in limbo any longer than they need to be.

So he doesn’t mind if Dead Calliope takes over Jade again – and possibly the narrative. Sounds to me like Dirk got away with whatever he was doing, then. If he can let go of the narrative, then he doesn’t need it anymore. Oof, not good. He cares so little he even gives Kanaya her own sane judgment back. How smug of him.

KANAYA: Wait

KANAYA: I Dont...

KANAYA: Im Confused

ROXY: ???

KANAYA: Why Didnt I At Least

KANAYA: Demand To See My Wife Before They Departed While I Had Dirk On The Phone

ROXY: omg u didnt even SEE her before she left??

KANAYA: No

KANAYA: At The Time It Didnt Feel Right To Ask I Guess

KANAYA: I Was So Devastated I Thought

KANAYA: That I Should Just

KANAYA: I Dont Know What I Thought

KANAYA: What

KANAYA: What Was I THINKING?

JADE: :(

She must be furious. It’s not everyday she lets go of her quirk like that. From the position my scrolling bar is at right now, I see more full caps. Kanaya, do you still have chainsaws? I can imagine Kanaya revving up the chainsaw right now. Dirk should consider himself lucky he may be already in outer space.

Seriously, it’s pretty hard to think of Dirk’s actions as ‘tragically noble’ when he’s patting his own back so hard he’s going to sprain his shoulder.

Without even knowing the details Kanaya is already certain Dirk has corrupted her in some manner, because otherwise Rose wouldn’t have acted like she did. She’s not wrong! And then she vows to make him pay, and pay dearly he will. That part I’m afraid won’t happen, as I’m pretty sure Dave will be the one to give the final blow, and chainsaws kind of make deadly injuries so she can’t do anything.

Since Jade’s the one with the answers, Kanaya demands to hear them, impatiently ignoring Jade’s words about anything that doesn’t seem related to Dirk at first. True to dramatic yet cheesy writing, all Jade manages to say is...

JADE: im trying to get to that!

JADE: the thing with dirk is...

JADE: is...

Whooops, here comes Dead Calliope. Hi! And this time Dirk is okay with it because his plans are already underway, so he doesn’t mind giving the dead cherub this advantage. Dead Calliope will give Jade back only when Dirk is so far away he’s not a danger to anyone, and given how he’s already far away and in control...well that’s going to be a long while.

they will know what to do, when they are ready.

Ha ha. Sure. They’ll all just hop in a spaceship and go on a wild goose chase trying to hunt me down. I know that already. It’s really not rocket science. Except for the fact that it literally is.

Can it really be called a wild goose chase when it’s a foregone conclusion they’ll succeed? You know they will, you’re even expecting that with some eagerness. It may take them a looooong time, but they’ll reach Dirk someday. A few of these people have an eternity to do so, after all. I imagine others will come along once they find out what happened, too. I’m pretty confident Jane would be the only one who wouldn’t, and that’s because she’ll be too busy implementing her reign of terror.

kanaya drops to the floor and begins weeping again. she feels the sorrow anew from her wife’s departure, with a sense of rage and pain unshrouded by the veil of the prince. neither she nor her friends will have to worry about him anymore, so long as they remain on this planet and under my protection.

Well! Sorry to disappoint, Dead Calliope, but the odds they’ll remain on this planet and do nothing after two of them stated pretty clearly Dirk has to be stopped and kidnapped someone are...pretty low. I just hope Dead Calliope isn’t going to get in their way when they finally get going.

KANAYA: He Has To Be Stopped...

KANAYA: He Has To Be Stopped...

huddled on the floor, she repeats this pledge to herself. theoretically, he could be stopped before he leaves, if they hurried. they would need to know what to do, where to go, and to have the motivation to do it, but time is short. i could push them to, with a certain degree of intervention, but i will not. my unwillingness to do so is what separates me from him. and what corporeal life needs now is someone presiding over them who is nothing like him at all.

So Dead Calliope would just be an observer narrating everything, I guess. She wouldn’t intervene or push anyone around unless they were insulting the mighty lollipop. That’d be the extent of her actions, hm...having free will sounds really nice, I must say. It wouldn’t be so bad for this to be the status quo.

This is the end of the page. This update is already quite long, so I’ll cut it here. In the next one I’ll finish the meat epilogue.

Next update: next time

[seungmiproductionz]

Day 1 of College

Welp, here we are. My official, first day of college. I’ll kinda just run through the day and say my comments abt shit throughout.

So basically, i wake up to my parents being loud asf as per usual. apparently they had left to go get breakfast at wafflehouse and i had started to hear them once they were back at the hotel room from there. I slept in cuz i hadnt gotten any proper sleep in like the last 2 days so i was #pooped. 

I ended up getting out of bed at like 11 my time (10 home time) and got ready for the day. I was stressing because loan money shit is such a pain in the ass to get handled and i was super stressed about that. I know that my parents are supporting me through it but i hate the fact that im lowkey shouldering all the responsibility cuz my parents never bothered to research anything and have left it all to me to figure out (for the most part). 

So anyway, it was a hastle to get here. I had to show up to an appointment to get cleared to start my move in. the thing is, i had to park in a lot that i was essentially not allowed to park in lol. to be fair, it wasnt my fault cuz the road that led to the right parking lot was literally under construction so I couldnt reach it. I was stressing cuz i didnt want to get fined literally my first day here but apparently that wasnt even an issue lol. but yeah, i go in and they were willing to accept a photo in place of physically having my vaccination cad which saved my a huge pain in the ass...well, more to the nostrils tbh, so i got to get to the next part pretty fast.

so next part, i had to go and get my student ID. there was this super long ass line and it was dummy hot outside. There was a breeze every once in a while but it was nowhere near enough to ease the amount of sweat. Anywho, I eventually get my ID, the dude that was handing them out totally butchered my name and he cant roll his r’s either so it was all a mess. 

I leave there and it’s finally time to get my stuff situated into my room. my roommate came down to help. like an absolute trooper, she carried my bins into my room, i carried the multiple plastic bags that I had. parents brought in the other heavy stuff. I was super pooped after the fact (didnt help that i was dehydrated and shit.) but i was big chillin. my roommate had gotten me some apples a few days before so i was happy to take one. as i at an apple, my mom fixed up my bed as we set all my shit under my bed in the meantime.

parents left for a bit so my roommate (erin/elizabeth) went to kill time by getting some ice cream with a friend she had made in the meantime (nick i think was his name). he a lil fruity lil fella. he’s pretty nice so far so that’s cool. so we all chatted about that stuff for a lil bit and then we #left. I came back, got some more of my thing situated and we had to go to a floor meeting.

the RA talked about some stuff, it was really awkward lol. he is super cool tho. such a dope RA. the meeting was honestly really short. there was some policy to go over but it was all pretty common sense. biggest thing was just like, dont do drugs or drink alcohol cuz it’s a felony and just an overall problem for everyone involved. everything else was pretty standard stuff.

so we leave the meeting, get all cleaned up, and we went to go get dinner with my parents. I talked to erin about stuff, dad talked a lot too but he wasnt as cringe as he normally is about stuff lol. but yeah. after dinner we did a quick walmart run to grab some pots and pans and other things. we came back to my dorm room and we’ve been big chillin.

erin helped with putting some of my stuff away. I helped her sister with writing an essay which is due at midnight lol. she started on it like 10 ish tho so she should be close to done by the time i am writing this entry.

anywho, it’s been a pretty good first day imo. i was definitely not vibing with the heat tho. that shit sucked balls. im pretty excited for tomorrow. erin invited me to go with her family to eat and stuff. i hope that goes welllll. but that’s all for now. i’ll update tomorrow night. 

Goodnight guys !

love y’all <3

[gut-her-girl]

the story so far (tw!!)

first non reblog post <3 feels weird not just lurking but refreshing to have a safe space to share things even if its just going into the void. 

(im 21 and 5′8″ for reference)

i n t r o d u c t i o n 

i cant remember not having a shitty relationship with food and my body, but id say it got bad around 16 (depression, family trauma, shit hit the fan & all that) it started out as strictly bingeing as a coping mechanism, im talking whole frozen pizzas daily, a family sized bag of chips in one sitting, a 12 pack of soda a week, i could go on... like i said shit was bad. gained a ton of weight that year, pulled myself out of that depressive hole and some how lost the extreme bingeing weight but i saw photos of myself from that year and thats when the hatred for my body started. things leveled out weight wise for awhile, ate like shit and binged but i think my metabolism was crazy fast in highschool so i was always average or on the thin side, just tried my best to avoid being naked in front of mirrors, going to the beach, out of sight out of mind. then senior year i got into a relationship (relationship weight is real folks!!) gained a ton of weight due to that... tried to diet, exercise, worked for awhile, failed, binged, repeat, got fat again. 

c o l l e g e  p t 1

the summer after graduation i broke up with my boyfriend and left for college where all i did was sleep, party, and juul. when i left for school i was around 150-145... go to the doctor a few months into school all of the sudden im 120 lbs and id say this is when my intentional restriction started. when i was skinny i got so much positive attention, male validation, female validation, everyone thought i was pretty and i had never been the pretty girl. when id come home for break my family would mention how much weight id lost and i started to live for that shit. continued my diet of vodka and nicotine through sophomore year of college. that year i moved in with a girl who struggled with disordered eating and without knowing she taught me everything i needed to know. she was constantly talking calories, obsessive workouts, had my absolute dream body but called herself fat every chance she got, learned about intermittent fasting, diet coke, rice cakes, gum... basically got an ed starter pack without even knowing lmao. 

c o l l e g e  p t 2

sophmore year i maintained around 120 (even hit 119 at one point <3) going into the covid lockdown the summer after sophomore year i was dirt poor... like shop lifting food just to eat poor. id say i ate strictly plain oatmeal for around 3 months, with the occasional jar of peanut butter here and there and i didnt have a car so i walked everywhere, like at least 2 hrs daily. we didnt have a scale in the house but i was visibly losing weight and i finally started to appreciate parts of me that id always hated... my hips dips, my legs, my smaller chest. i still felt fat most of the time but those fleeting moments were so nice. i remember coming home to meet my niece and nephew and my sister told me she was worried about my weight loss and asked me if i had an eating disorder, when she said those things it made me proud even though i knew it was wrong. i also remember some friends came to town that summer and they tried to be kind and buy me food when we went out to eat and i didnt know how to say no so i accepted, but eating and having a full stomach after being hungry for so long made me feel disgusting. after i got home i was sitting there full and nauseous and i decided to purge for the first time. my thought process was, i pull trig when im drunk and it makes me feel better so it seemed logical, and so thats what i did whenever i felt full the next few months. things really went down hill for me mentally that summer, i was so alone, i started self harming again, and being so small was one of the few things that made me happy.

g o i n g  h o m e

fast foward to october of 2020 and i decide to move home to save money. my body mustve been in starvation mode after months of restriction and daily exercise because i swear to god my body has hung on to every fucking calorie since i got home and had more access to food. i hardly left the house for a few months so i only wore sweats and baggy shirts, i knew id gained some weight but i was trying not to think about it and to listen to my sister who was constantly preaching fuel your body, self love, etc. one day i go to put on my favorite pair of jeans and they dont fit. i mean not even fucking close. i dont know how it happened or how id completely lost control of my everything but id catapulted back up to pre college weight and it broke me. i was consumed with self hatred, i had constant breakdowns and went right back to avoiding the mirror, never getting dressed, no fucking way was i gonna get on a scale because then it would make it real that the weight was back and all my hardwork was gone. its like i lost my identity, everything that had made me pretty. so i tried to do it the “right way” started working out, making sure i was in a small calorie deficit and finally worked up the courage to get on the scale only to have it say 146... pre college weight... even after all the work id been putting in. i tried to continue that way and just ignore the problem but my friends are so skinny and so beautiful and i just want to be excited to take pictures with them again, i just want to be me again. 

n o w 

soooo now im back to restricting and fasting and lots of walking (trying to avoid bingeing and purging at all costs) and ive been seeing some visible changes but i hadnt weighed myself until today and im down to 134, seeing progress made me so fucking happy. im going to get back to my happy pretty self and i feel so safe here even though so far all ive done is read what everyone else has to say. ive never shared my struggles with anyone and now i have an outlet, its comforting to see people my age here and it just feels nice to not feel crazy and alone. 

[chronicmoonsunglow]

comission for a really nice girl. this is the last productive thing i did in 2020. felt good, it was also very stressful, since the energy to do it kinda came and went, by the time i had to print i was completely drained. haven’t even delivered physical copy. this was due December 26. im just so fucking tired all the time.

2021 so far has been very unproductive. this morning i woke up and i had no meds left. i had lost my wallet a few days ago and had been avoiding looking for it bcos of the big mess in my room. everything i’ve done since the 30th is watch tv and overeat. (i had an eating disorder or have i don’t know i haven’t addressed it in any of my therapies since i started 6 months ago) but its eating away at me atm. i am triggered everytime i shower and change clothes because im not fitting correctly in them, or at least i think im not, idk. eating and watching tv isnt helping.

this morning i realized how dependant i am and probably will forever be of my meds. it was annoying to find myself in that situation. i couldn’t risk an episode for being lazy. so i got up and searched for my wallet. sounds so small, but it felt sooooo heavy. i found it, ordered my meds, and went back to sleep. the panic i felt as i saw myself medicine-less was very unsetteling. what if i can’t pay for them in the future, what then? i dont know it felt weird. to not be able to just skip a day or two without getting all screwed up in the head. in the end i got them and i took them. and im still screwing myself up overthinking the fact that i NEED meds. what the hell. i just dont understand why. and also i dont understand why some people say happiness is a choice. i dont know which part of myself i must connect to in order to NOT need meds. is that shit even real? is it even possible, to somehow spiritually holistically cure or manage bipolar? i dont see that happening. this disorder is impregnated within me, do i have to change who i am and who i have been to not have it? thats bullshit. idk i guess i shouldnt have watched the netflix series spinning out. i hadnt been thinking about my disorder for a while now. but i was bored on friday looking for something to watch and i found that show. i watched it bcos it was about skating, which i love. and then to my surprise, there are two bipolar characters. and honestly it was SO triggering. not the fact that they were bipolar but people’s reactions to it. and also, the own character’s perception of the disorder. it was just all so wrong, and unhealthy and triggering as fuck. i think i’ve been kind of aaangry since i watched that. maybe thats why i feel uneasy. i found it unbelievable but people like the ones on that show actually do exist. people who call us crazy. and to call us that... i just find THAT crazy. absolutely crazy. anyway, i just needed to vent a little. its been a while since i’ve used my online diary. im sad theres nothing chronological or organized about this post, or even a point to it, or conclusion. but thats exactly how i feel right now. aaaaall over the fucking place. 🤷‍♀️

also my emotional support puppy has been unlearning her potty training because the other dogs in my house do whatever they want when they want where they want. so now she has adopted that all over my room. i wake up every day stepping on peee and smelling poop first thing in the morning. its been a disaster. she’s peeing on her own bed. and i understand shes only 3 months old, but she had it all mastered i swear. its only now shes acting rebellious. and i love her i do, but its heavyyyy to have to deal with that too. im already dealing with myself trying not to feel so frustrated all the time but she’s making that hard on me too. but i guess i’d rather have that than feel alone.

anyhow. thats it for now. i hope things do get better.

—MOONSUN

[caepaecaesurae]

> Cladeball : Try to deal with it, a few hours after the Big Show

(( Traumatised, post-voodoo Cae under the cut. ))

ML: Kankri was running out of ideas on how to try to break the crying cycles and draw Cronus back out of his own head. Fingers stroked damp hair and he finally suggested. "We could watch a show- I know theres a broadcast of the carapacians performing Dave Strider's version of Romeo and Juilet." CC: It had been a pretty long few hours.  Cronus had shown up at the door, walked in, and awkwardly stood there until the hugs started.  Since then, he hadn't said a word through the tears, though he'd hugged them both back, and been convinced first to bathe and then coaxed out of the bathroom again.  At least he was responsive to physical affection, and it mostly seemed to help, even if random coping strategies just made the crying worse now. He leaned into Nadaya, his head slightly pressed into Kankri's fingers. CA: Nadaya wrapped his arms around his poor kismesis, purring increasing at any acknowedgement of affection. He buried his face in Cro's hair. "Hey...I love you, you know. Dearest, I love you, okay?" It was important that he knew. ML: Kankri nuzzled into his grande sized moirail. "I hear the show is quite interesting to watch." Come on Cae venture an opinion we know you can do it. CC: Usually what Dave Strider had done to the classics was enough to get a rise out of him, and today was almost no different.  Still, it was probably Nadaya to whom the sudden and bitterly-explosive "WVhy?" was aimed.(edited) CA: Thats progress of a sort! Nadaya didnt flinch, though his ears went up in surprise. "You're my kismesis? Unless you mean why the show, in which case it's probably a unique spin on a timeless classic," okay reel it in there's no need to mess with him today. "No but seriously, I was aware of the whole thing and this hasnt changed my opinion on you." Nadaya is just... still cuddling him. ML: "Strider certainly does have a flare about his works." Kankri continued stroking hair, pretending like he hadnt jumped a little at the sudden loud word. CC: He produced a watery sort of sniffle, nearly falling back into tears, but forcing his way forward instead.  "..I don't understand," came out much more softly. CA: "You're a good man that did terrible things. You're trying to make up for them, and youre not defined by your mistakes." Cuddlecuddleprrrrrpet. "You're a better person now than then." ML: Kankri nuzzled fearlessly in to Cae the way only those blessed with tiny nubby horns can do. "You've come so far, and tried so hard." CC: Part of him wanted to compulsively finish some song lyrics he recognized, and the impulse was tugging his pan in a few directions simultaneously.  The sob was soft, and he hugged thm gently, leaning mostly into Nadaya.  "Am I?  I don't -- --it's too much.  I can't --  I don't knowv howv--"

He sure was coming down from a violently hyper-emotional voodoo nightmare alright. CA: Nadaya's purr softened, his arms cloosed against his sad lump of a kismesis and nuzzled him gently. "You are. You're doing good and you've changed so much, and even if your instincts do things you choose what to do instead. I love you." ML: He stroked his fingers through short hair over and over gently. "What don't you know how to do love, you need to use longer sentences, take a deep breath." CC: And now he was crying about not knowing how to slow own and structure his sentences.  Was this what it was like to be Mituna?  He hated it.  He still hated Cronus a little more.  "..I'm trying,"he sobbed softly. CA: "You are and I love you, I adore you, te amo, you're so important to me," Nadaya whispered gently, petting his back and peppering tiny soft kisses over his face. "You're trying, you're doing good, take your time sweetheart." ML: "It's okay love, you're doing fine, we love you, words are difficult sometimes, take your time." He rubbed his face back and forth against his shoulder, fingers tangled gently in his hair. CC: The tears started to get quieter again, and a heap of seadweller clung to them bot tightly, as best he could manage.  "..it's so much and I don't knowv howv to be fine.  There's so much hate." CA: Nadaya clung back just as tight, purring. "I believe in you, you'll figure it out." ...He said that because he had no advice to give yet, but... ML: Kankri wrapped arms around what he could of his entire monster he'd quadded and nuzzled him, he kissed his tears  and tried to pap him without touching fins. "Take our love, and let us help. We will figure it out together" CC: The crying started up again, but he held them close and nodded, trying to agree without having the coordination to put it into words that clearly.  He'd try.  They'd try.  They'd work it out.

Even if that was too much to think about, yet. CA: Nadaya pressed a kiss against the nearest part of Cae, and nodded right back, earnestly. "We'll figure it out yeah, and you can take your time, it'll be okay. I adore you with every fiber of my being, and I'll do whatever you think helps, moonbeam." The purr intensified, almost a testament to his words. ML: "Visions often leave you shaken and uncertain of who you are" He stroked his hair. "This is normal, especially for extrodinarily bad ones." CC: It was remarkably, unnervingly reassuring to hear, which was enough to send him bawling again.  He managed to stumble his way through a few indistinct "I love you"s, though, which Prosperity's strange translation field comfortably translated out of troll latin and greek.  His quadrants were good, and right here, and knew what was going on even if he couldn't handle it, and he could trust them.  Probably. CC: A few apologies snuck their way in too. CA: Though the translation was good, Nadaya could remember that there's a distinct  feel about translated words, from that one time an anon made him speak every language and he used troll latin and greek slang at Cronus to piss him off in the teashop. The memory brought a smile to his face,  and what definitely wasn't a tear to the corner of his eye. "Te amo, te amo," he whispered, shoving his face into Cae. He was good and his and Nadaya would protect him. He didn't know what to do about the apology, but "It's okay, you needn't apologize to me, it's okay" was good, right? ML: "I love you, te amo." He echoed and got out a hankerchief from somewhere, gently cleaning his face  with it and kissing after  as he tried to dry his tears. "We are here, It is alright, if I were better with my powers I would help calm you mind.." He fussed. CC: For a moment, there was a shred of a guttery purr, just barely, but then it guttered again and he sobbed softly, shaking his head.  "--Please, no more, My mind is mine," CA: ..There was a half-wince. Voodoo and shit, right. "Nothing's gonna happen, it's alright, no one is touching your mind ever again. Ever again. I'll ensure it." He clung tighter, tried to say he loved him in the other ancient language his kismesis favoured, except since he just looked up the term onehanded on his phone, the word came out clumsy, and "i {{ἀγαπάω}}" came out as "i enjoy/cherish" instead of intended, but maybe it helped him anyway. ML: "No, no I'm sorry love, never without your permission. I could not have faced Arlequin and his voodoo myself," Quick reassurances, soft kisses. "I will not even try to touch it." CC: Open tears turned into soft, hiccoughy laughter.  With tears.  He couldn't seem to stop crying, but at least there was a different cause about every six seconds, and he was starting to be able to at least tell that that was the case.  "..I lovwe you, I lovw you both -- I-- I don't knowv wvhat I'm doing.  ...I really did that," CA: "It's okay, light of my life, you can figure out what you're doing in due time." Nadaya reached up and kissed his cheek, and rubbed his face on the stubble because he's fucking weird. "You did, love." There's nothing to say that isn't upsetting, so Nad just... took Cae's hand and kissed Cae's kismesis ring. Romancé. ML: "You did, you did." He was rubbing his face against his moirail as much as Nadaya was so neither of them were being too weird comparatively." You're okay, you're going to be fine, it will be okay, you're safe." Some of this was for Kankri's benefit. CC: The kiss on the ring earned a small blush out of him, and fingers curled gently around Nadaya's.  He was starting to settle again, finally -- a ten second period passing with no new reasons to cry was a good start, and he was going to cling to it.  It was time again for the soft purrs to try to start up, as he held them close and rocked gently.

"..I'm okay," he agreed softly. CA: Well, it might be weirder for Nadaya because they're pitch and not pale, but he doesn't care. Being held close is a gift no matter the circumstances, and Nadaya leaned in happily, heart leaping at the purrs. He then promptly nuzzled the hand curled around his, smile spreading. "You are, and tea ammo." ML: He hugged his arms around the arm around him and tucked his cheen in, turning his face in against him. "You are. You are fine. He wasn't trying to hurt you." He was mildly freaked out in the aftermath, more than he had been in the conception of this, it probably did not help that he and Nadaya had both been stress drinking waiting for Cae. CC: Caesuae squeezed Kankri gently, nuzzling in a little more closely.  ...he wasn't entirely sure that Kankri's words were true, but they were specific enough that he was starting to notice, and managed a brief glance to Nadaya over Kankri's horns, gauging to see if the other troll had heard anything odd in the tone of that.

A few moments passed, before he gently shushed Kankri, and squeezed him one more time. CA: Though the alcohol had dulled the senses a lil bit, Nadaya did have a very sensitive radar for subtle changes, and this pinged, ear flicking. He just liked pretending otherwise. It took a split second decision - would acting on it upset Cae again? Probably, so no - and so he  just continued nuzzlepurring Cae's hand. "Nothing bad will happen again, I will ensure it, so don't worry," he chirped cheerfully, pressing a tiny kiss to his kismesis' yaoi grabdactyl. The words were for Kankri's benefit too.

CC!mun: (( Editor’s note: 

)) ML: Fingers reached up to stroke Cae's cheek with a slight tremor but otherwise managing fine. "Nadaya, our hero." That was completely serious, no edge of mocking or teasing. CC: It was a comfort purr this time, soft and faint but very real.  Caesurae nodded his agreament again, taking a moment to wipe one of his eyes.  He didn't know how to handle himself, or anyhing that was going on, but he knew how to reflexively comfort Kankri.  It was one of the stranger coping mechanisms they shared. CA: Nadaya's fins spread out and the biolum on his face lit up at Kankri's unexpected words. Thats, gosh, well. Okay, maybe Nad should cuddle them by smooshing his face in Cae until this stops. ML: Kankri patted Nadaya on the back and curled himself into his moirail as tight as he could. Everything would be just find. "I'm sorry love I'm a little tipsy and its making me emotional." CC: The mention of alcohol made his fins flinch slightly, but he buried his face against Kankri and whuffed softly.  They could all cuddle in a tight little ball until this was over with, even if the tears were slowly starting up again.  It was a good streak.  He tried.

"..emotions for evwerybody," was all he could think to say. CA: The world could shrink down to a tight cladeball for now. "Yeah," said Nad,  face still flashing, scritching his kismesis and patting Kankri's back. "I adore you. We'll overcome this." ML: "Giving them out like candy." Kankri murmured with a soft shuddering breath, he was not goign to cry too, Cae was doing quite enough crying for them both. CC: The cladeball gently rocked , and sniffled, and Caesurae nodded into it.  This was likely to be the way of things for a while.  ...maybe the next day or two.  Or three. CA: Nadaya was fine with that, and occasionally told Cae all about how much he loves him, in specific detail. CC: It made him cry, but at least they were good tears.

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[thataspdfeel]

I'm curious, what are you most attracted to in your partners? Is it similar traits in all of them or different ones like their sense of humour etc.? Sorry if this is a weird question but you've said before you like when people ask about them so I thought I would.

i was so excited to get this and then forgot to answer it :/ im an idiot

also gonna put this under a cut cause this is gonna be hella long cause im a fucking romantic dork

god though i could wax poetic. they’re all so lovely. like they have traits in common but also are unique. they all have brown eyes but theyre unique. like my husband has these eyes that remind me of warm chocolate. like a chocolate fountain kind of warm chocolate. dark and smooth but reflect the light. my wife’s have tinges of gold in the irises like flecks of gold leaf. and theres a dark ring around the pupil and one around the edge of the iris. theyre fucking magical

my boyfriend’s eyes are almost black and very deep. darker than the night sky and full of warmth and mischief. but its like theyre never ending, like he can see the innermost parts of whoever he’s looking at, like your soul is written on your forehead

lmao i love eyes can you tell

they all have these goddamned sinful eyelashes and my boyfriend’s are the longest. theyre as dark as his eyes and when he’s embarrassed, he gets all shy and they brush against his cheekbones like how dare you sir. how dare you be beautiful even when youre embarrassed. i look like a fucking tomato. rude

my husband’s look gold at the tips with the way the light catches them. like yknow how fake eyelashes have purple or red at the tips? like that except gold. like what??? the fuck??? rude

they all have very soft hair though my boyfriend’s is the longest. i cant wait to get with him irl again cause i wanna braid it. he’s got a bony face and it frames it so well. it’s so dark brown its almost black and it’s fun to see him try to sweep it out of his face cause he refuses to tie it up

my husband has these wild curls. we were looking up how to take care of them and that’s how we found out hes ethnically jewish. (which makes sense considering he’s german) they get so thick and heavy and they’re so soft and lovely to nap in. which i do on a semi regular basis. its so soft and lovely and i love when he grows it out. he just doesn’t look right with shorter hair. and he has this beard that grows funny, makes him look like jedidiah if yknow what i mean. he has such a baby face without it and he loves beard scritches it’s so cute how happy he gets

bluh im bouncing all over the place i just??? love them?????? so??????????? much???????????????? there’s so much to talk about!!!

so i guess i’ll just try and make a list of the things i love about them

husband:

cheerful, bubbly, very sunny personality. the human incarnation of a very excited dog (which can be A Lot sometimes)

extremely kind. would give you the shirt off his back. often laments that he stopped carrying cash years ago every time he sees somebody who could use some despite the fact that we’re always broke

a proper southern gentleman??? like im fat so im used to people not holding doors open for me fucking ever and being really goddamned rude in general. he ALWAYS holds doors open for me, opens the car door for me both to get in and out of the car, and gets pouty if i try and carry my own bag. it’s so sweet??? ive literally never had that before and even after three and a half years, it’s still so charming

he will do literally anything the fuck i ask. he’ll say no and im like oh ok and he’ll tease like “finally! i said no! and got away with it!” just to make me giggle and then does it anyway

on this note, he also always cooks as much as absolutely possible. even though his spine gives him problems, he does his best to keep me off my leg

he’s always so concerned about my well being. like if there’s not a disability cart at the front of a store, he makes me sit down while he goes and chases one down. if im stiffer than usual due to a cold front, he’ll remind me to take pain meds every four hours

he’s trying to learn japanese because he knows i dont have anybody to practice with here in the states. just for me and not any other reason

adores animals. even if he finds a dog annoying, he’ll still fawn over it and give it as many pets as it wants and won't ever snap at it even if anybody else would. he’s got these large hands and he’s kind of clumsy but this goes away around animals. he’s just so careful and gentle like i never ever worry

drags me out of my introverted cave because he knows social interaction is also good

has introduced me to some of my favorite books and video games because he’s verious conscious about what somebody likes and works to be like “hey, i think youd like this” and is almost always correct??? amazing

has 0 sense of style but doesnt mind somebody who knows better keeping him from absolute disaster

dude is a damned good cook. ive gained like at least a solid 25 pounds since he moved in and started cooking regularly

SPEAKING OF COOKING, we met on the tail end of my anorexia when i was doing my best to recover and still slipping up. he never made me feel bad about it but always encouraged me to eat. he eats SO much (think shaggy rogers) that i always felt comfortable eating in front of him. he always reminds me to eat and asks if ive eaten that day. honestly, i wouldnt be at this level of recovery if it hadnt been for him

is amazing at caling me down holy fuck

wife:

met her first, of the three of them, ironically so ive known her the longest but been with her the shortest. we dated a few months in hs but there was a chick she wanted to date like right there (and i was in japan) so i was like oh go for it. well, they broke up and we got back together and it’s been lovely ever since

she has this snorting laugh that’s adorable to listen to and it makes me feel more comfortable laughing (because i think i sound like a damn goose)

SHE HAS SO MANY GODDAMNED FRECKLES ON HER CUTE LITTLE FACE THEY’RE ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND VERY FUN TO KISS BECAUSE SHE SQUIRMS

she has a goddamned button nose for chrissakes

and these really wide hips too like i felt bad about my hips years ago cause theyre p wide but shes adorable and has wide hips too. she kinda made me love them (even though hers are better)

she’s genderfluid so i get to be gay all across the gender spectrum (im agender) and she’s so beautiful and handsome and v amazing

we were both homestuck fans at the height of it (like we still are) but her cosplays are just really well done??? shes so talented

OH MY GOD SHE MAKES THIE CHICKEN SOUP WITH HOMEMADE NOODLES I WOULD SLAP AN OLD LADY FOR

i dont know about the rest of her cooking (sadly) due to limited time around each other but i cant fucking wait tbh. her cookies kill me tho i love them

an amazing fashion sense. im a dumpster compared to her

an amazing writer and artist and i die every time she sends me something like my soul fucking ascends

she loved me BEFORE meds which i think is amazing. like what a lovely human being yknow? im a dick without meds and she loved me anyway and i love that about her

she speaks german and she makes it sound beautiful and i cry

her singing voice is so angelic and it kills me when she sings because everybody should hear this lovely person sing

she is hyper empathetic and it makes her so lovely and kind and wonderful. she completely understands how i feel about things and why even when no one else does and is very good at de-escalating me when im upset

we’ve just known each other for something like 7 years now? like i dated her post my abusive ex and she lit up my whole world with happiness at being treated well. then her ex was abusive and just... we get each other? in a way where her husband and my other two partners dont. its a pain the others dont understand so we go to each other during these times of pain in a way we cant with other people. it’s a very special connection

she’s a goddamned goof and i love it

my boyfriend:

motherfucker is so skinny which is the opposite of me and for some reason it works?? idk like it worries me but it’s also unique. love it

we dated almost my whole senior year of hs but he broke up with me because he thought he didnt have the same depth of emotion as i did for him and didnt want to “hold me back” from somebody better. like??? can you imagine?????? how fucking kind

recently started dating again like it took him fourish years for him to realize SHIT I MADE A MISTAKE so he’s a little slow but he’s so very thoughtful

he’s a goof in a different way than the other two. dad jokes. never ending fucking dad jokes. and goddamned puns. he never stops. dont tell him i love them because then he’ll never let me tease him again (i pretend like its The Worst)

so. fucking. dramatic. always flips his hair in the sassiest way possible. its super gay (he’s bi)

he doesnt do a whole lot of romance or saying WHY he feels certain ways. he feels like it cheapens the emotion. but, on the rare occassion he doesnt let this bother him, his poetry he sends me about how he feels makes me fucking cry. it’s so beautiful. i love it

he works watering at a plant nursery and complains about how the bees always use him as a landing strip. it’s adorable

he’s so resourceful?? this is best seen when playing minecraft cause he makes some damn cool structures in some really nice places. i love playing it with him just to see what he builds and how (especially since im a boring, lets make this house a square kinda ho)

he’s so camera shy??? no selfies no skype at all. he’s so bashful and it’s super cute i love it

got me into DnD like yes thank you for this enjoyable nerdery

the sole reason i passed math in hs. like not only is he smart but hes also really good at explaining things to people? definitely a talent for teaching people things

he was my best friend for the longest time like all three of them are my best friend but he was the only one who was my best friend FIRST and then romance blossomed

like im demiromantic so i need a strong connection to fall in love like it was a solid few months of dating my husband before i began to love him. i knew my wife for awhile and got close so same general story. but my boyfriend and i were more friends to lovers and i love that about him

his dad is half italian so he talks with his hands and it’s so overdramatic that he hits people with them on a semi regular basis just gesturing. he once accidentally knocked my glasses all the way across a room cause i had walked behind him and he made a sweeping gesture. hilarious

one time, i had food poisoning and the pain was so bad, i had to crawl under his kitchen table until my mother came to take me to the base clinic. he sat with my head in his lap and brushed my hair out of my face and cooed gently at me to try and soothe me. it was so sweet and ive never forgotten about it

motherfucker, with the help of my sister, dragged me into homestuck

he’s so damn shy about affection that holdling his hand in public makes him blush. it’s even worse if i steal a kiss. fucking adorable

things all three have in common that i love:

good in bed. it sounds silly but this is important to me because while i dont necessarily need sex to form a close relationship to fall in love, it definitely helps

idk how this happened, i really dont, but somehow everything i like lines up nicely with everything they like??? and if im not into something, they can find it with each other and vise versa. lmao wtf how did this happen to line up idk

kind, generous, sweet, and helpful although all three show these qualities in different ways despite having them in common

love me??? like honestly it sounds so silly that id love that they love me but im such a flawed, terrible human being that it leaves me in deep awe that not only does one person love me but three??? how??? amazing people to find something in me to love and to keep on loving despite all my problems. beautiful

creative, smart, and inventive each in their own right. they fucking astound me and take my breath away

beautiful cuddlers (not being sarcastic, promise)

husband is a goddamned heater but boyfriend is a living block of ice. then wife is one of those who’s in between but she steals your heat and then hours later gives it back which is the worse option of the three. like it starts out all nice but then you end up surprised hours later because youre fucking dying of heatstroke

so we have two heatstroke, drowning in sweat options and then losing your limbs. it makes trying to set the thermostat a fucking nightmare

they all love to read and honestly? i couldnt be with anyone who doesnt like a good book

can hold lively, in depth discussions about things

hubby tends to lean more towards “would it be immoral to fuck a succubus” type morality questions and superhero dissection type things

wife is all over the place and can carry on a conversation about goddamned teapots if she so chose. no idea how she does it

boyfriend likes to entertain more morbid thoughts and psychology but also likes to analyze things. like homestuck. we still fucking dissect homestuck

very intelligent. blows my dumb ass out of the water. beautiful

like gaming various amounts and various kinds of games. hubs likes any and all. boyfriend likes dnd, monster hunter, minecraft etc kinds of things, not really one for cards or board games. wife prefers to craft but will occasionally engage in board games or cards, less so in video games but tends to stick to pokemon. it’s nice

they’re all very physically beautiful though in different ways. hubby is barrel chested and german with very strong arms and big hands, a bright and sunny smile. wife is small and round with tiny, artist hands and a sweet, pixie face. boyfriend is thin, long, and gaunt with pale skin and dark hair (kind of like damien from dream daddy tbh)

i could go on but ive been making this post for like well over two hours now and i figured maybe i should stop. it’s long as hell and idk if anybody else would have read this whole thing but basically i fucking adore my partners??? so much??? and there are so many things about them to love???

i just love them so much and could go on and on for hours about why i love each of them and how lovely they are and how they make me feel

ksdjrfgh im so sorry this is so long theres just so much to talk about //sweats

[kimboly27]

People are strange........

I’ve been meaning to get back on here and just say whats on my mind and so im going to start with the interesting world of people and us as humans. Some of this may not make any sense to anyone and thats ok but for me, i like to just talk and see what happens.

But before i get to where i am now with people,i sort of have to go back to where my thoughts on people sort of changed over the years......

November 4th 2011 and i lost my dad in one of the most horrific traffic collisions to happen in the UK. The first 3 to 4 years from that were hell and i can easily admit that. From that day my whole life was turned upside down and changed. Going through court cases,enquiries,the press hunting you down,people either being there for you or not being there at all. Something like that effects people differently. I’ve seen the best in people over the years and I've also seen the worst for whatever reasons. But my attitude to people has changed since then and continues to do so.

With all that going on as well i also went through a real shitty relationship with a right bastard. Im not sorry for saying that either as he really was. He was a narcissistic wanker who took full advantage of me going through some real shit stuff to then being his punching bag. Thankfully only mentally but the damage was done and its taken me a few years to get over such a person who treats another person like shit. When you are one minute made to feel like the most important person in the world to then the shit on the bottom of someones shoe,oh boy does it mess you up. But saying that,the best thing that asshole ever did was end it with me and F off somewhere up north. He will forever be a F up and continue to abuse people/woman because he is just pure evil and will never get help for his many many issues and will NEVER be happy and that tbh makes me happy,but of course i dont think about that waste of breath anymore,but soon it’ll be i think 5 years since he ended it and i got away from all that bs and i could not be happier. Yeah sure i had to start from scratch mentally on myself as that f***er took every bit of confidence i had in me and destroyed me, but i can now at least say i have never been happier.

With becoming happier and more confident again i see the attitudes and responses i get from people. After dealing with a narc my view on people,male or female is well lets say guarded i guess. If you know me well enough,you’ll know i’ll talk to anyone about anything,but for me it takes me a while to make sure whoever this person is,is a good person and actually will have a positive vibe for me to go with. That might sound crazy and like ‘’Wtf kim you cant judge people like that’’ but actually i can. Its a simple thing of i dont have time for bull shitters,attention seekers,time wasters,two faced assholes,backstabbers etc. Within a short space of time i make up my mind about people pretty quickly on if i want to spend more time with them or not,and its shame we live in world where people get so bloody upset by this notion. Its simple really. If i think you are an idiot or not someone i want to spend my time with then i wont and there is nothing wrong in that. Relationships will always facinate me and amuse me because my life is so different from others. Example point - Actually being someone again. I am very independent nowadays and tbh for anyone to try and break through that then bloody good luck lol But i am single by choice because i do actually really love being on my own but also i know deep down i cant commit to anyone due to being a full time carer to my mum. If anyone special came into my life they would have to deal with being second best as my family come first and foremost before anything else. If they can deal with maybe seeing me once or twice every few weeks and stuff like that then go for it. But i dont think there is many people that could deal with my lifestyle. I am use to the crazy of it but its wrong to ask others to be in my life with all that i have on. Yeah sure i’ve met some wonderful people i thought maybe it might work out with but sadly it was not meant to be and im ok with that as they are still very dear friends to me.

This may sound crazy too but i have rules,as it were,when it comes to people/social media things like that. Now yes social media to me can be a blessing and a curse. I have all sorts of pros and cons over the years of it,but normally sadly it does come down to the stupid people on the other end of it. One example of many. So i go to a lot of comic cons and have done since 2015 when i first met Matt Ryan at Wales comic con and fell in love with the Assassins Creed games. Since then i have been so lucky to meet a few of the Va’s of the games from older to newer games and continue to do so and also support them in any other work they also do. Anyway coming back to social media and at cons if there is an AC guest there i will,if i can try and get said guest(s) involved in AC cosplay meet ups and i have been SO lucky to have had the chance to work with some fantastic VA’s over the years and make it happen. Sometimes i’m not even holding the meet up myself but the VA has asked me if its ok to go along and i take them which im so so humbled by. But anyway back to the example of idiots and social media. Before the last AC game come out,i had taken a little time away from gaming all together due to home life taking a more important role to play that needed my time and attention. Now any normal human being would actually understand this and respect this but i did try and keep people posted on any cons and events the AC cast were appearing at. I was in one AC group that sadly was run by some real ego maniacs and people that cant organise a piss up in a brewery and also just very bitter and jealous people when it came to others achieving something in the AC world. Like my god the attitude some of these assholes would show, was just disgusting and it killed my passion and excitement for the new game. They would make fun of cosplayers that had worked bloody hard on their cosplays in the messenger we had set up for the FB page that i was apart of and just talk shit most of the time,and other times not even AC related. But anyone like i said last year was a bloody hard one for me mentally with things going on at home and i had no time or patience for idiots. 

Last May just as i was on my way to London MCM i found out on the bus itself,that the game shop i was working in was going to close and i was gutted. Now i had ONLY decided to go to MCM to see the lovely Victoria Atkin and Patrica Summersett who are fantastic ladies in the VA world and have been in many games over the years so having been asked by Vic herself to be there and also part of the meet up that was happening,i got myself a friday and saturday ticket. London mcm is always a manic one but ok if you know where and when you need to get done things like that. The friday was more of a chilled day con wise and time to see Victoria and meet Patricia for the very first time and she was just fantastic! (More on that later) also some other VA’s as well that i hadnt met before or had seen and wanted to catch up with. Now before Vic and Patricia were announced i wasnt actually going to attend but was basically asked to by Vic so should and Patricia could come to the meet up. Great! No problem at all i though.........

I was nervous about telling the idiots in the fb group i was with,that i was going to be bringing along special guests because my god this lot dont have make easy things more bloody difficult. So it was about maybe 3 weeks before London MCM and i dropped in the messages that even though i was being quiet i was catching up when i could and that a guest was going to join us for the meet up. Now this fb group were so bloody anal about who ran meet ups. They always had to be done by someone on the admin/mod team (which i was so against tbh. If people wanted to meet up then bloody well let them) so whilst i was with this group i did mcm birmingham and a couple of wales comic con as i was a mod. I was keeping Vic updated on things once timings and location had been sorted and also to make sure she could come along as well. The time for the meet was basically decided a few days before the meet when the mcm schedules had gone up which was fine,but before this the miserable lot didnt want many people knowing that really this meet was happening. Tbh no one in that sodding group had great social skills as all they ever did was make it more stressful then it needed to be. On the years i didnt go,so many people told me how messed up the meets were and lots of shouting ect went on and tbh i wanted none of it. It was my first (and thankfully last) meet up being in that group of last year. Back to no one wanting people to know about it. Their reasoning's were they didnt want every tom dick and harry to come along unless they were in the AC group,they didnt really want anything on social media said about it either but i was very against that as Vic was so good at letting people know when meet ups were happening on twitter and instagram so that more people could join in on the fun and rightly bloody so too! So anyway the day of the con and the admin decide to change the sodding location of the meet so they think less people will turn up from where they normally have it. Bad move as that would later unveil. So i am at the event on the saturday and im messaging Vic to say about the new details and she is sharing away as well so thats fine by me she can do what she likes. Anyway on the saturday before the meet,there was a AC panel with Vic and Patricia and it was great and really fun and right at the end Vic announces that the meet up was happening right after the panel and to come along and follow me and two of my friends. I wont lie this next bit looked amazing haha. So the girls come off the stage and then Patricia asks me if its ok to come along which of course i say yes more then welcome. We wait for security who were fantastic btw,and really enjoyed the walk to the meet up. So at the front of this parade was my two friends in their ezio and jacob frye cosplays,then me in my frye twin mash up holding my prop up so the girls could see me. Then two security guards,then the girls and their handlers and then more security. The way that people moved out of the way for us was just fantastic. It was like parting of the waves and peoples faces were like so in well surprised at what was going on but also followed along to the meet which was cool. Anyway it was a bit of a walk but we soon get to the meet up and i introduce Vic and Patricia to everyone and there was some very happy faces and really lovely people asking me how on earth i keep getting VA’s to come along lol I dont do anything special i just ask them haha. So anyway pictures are done with the girls and cosplayers and its all good fun and they were with us for about 15 mins if that and we did cosplay stuff and also admin/mod photos with the girls too which was fine and social media stuff for the girls as well which was fun. They soon leave and i feel like collapsing to the floor after tbh weeks of stress trying to sort things out and it was a huge relief things went ok for them and i thought everyone else. There was a few omg moments but not to do with me thankfully but it didnt look very well lets say professional and that was bs because the meet had moved and others didnt know so some shit kicked off but yeah that was not my problem to sort.

Anyway i go back into the venue not long after the meet to basically see some folk and also was asked by the girls to swing by again before i left the con as i was only there the friday and saturday due to money and having just lost my job i wasnt in the best of moods but they did help so much. A few days of the con pass and pictures are posted up as usual blah blah but the messages within the group about the meet up are well not great. The vibe i got was basically they werent happy with how Vic was somehow but they werent saying that exactly so i basically said in all the times i’ve met any voice actors and got to work with them there has never been any ego’s or bs just a lot of fun. They didnt really see what i was getting at as i know they didnt get my involvement with who i had worked with so far and were beyond jealous it was so damn easy to see. But yeah their slight digs at Vic pissed me off so again went back to ignoring the messages coming through as it was just all nonsense chat.

Another thing this pathetic group didnt like was other members being in other AC groups and this is what finished it for me cos it got so stupid. Now before the bs happened which i’ll explain next, i am and still in over 30 plus other ac groups or ac cosplay related groups and have done meet ups in other countries ffs so you should not be told who you can and cant do that with. Anyway what happened was a little before MCM London i got asked on twitter by the lovely AC United Kingdom page if i would like to help them out on their social media sites to which of course i said yes. This group have been so amazing to me since they asked me to join and its been a blast with people that are so supportive and love what i do to help promote stuff for VA’s and things like that. I was very honoured to be asked. Anyway the older group found out i was added and also another mod and f*** me did they kick off. When i then explained how i ended up in this group they soon shut up for a while and backed the F off. Now i know the other mod didnt like getting added and thats fine as being added to groups can be annoying so she left the new group i was now apart of as well and thats fair enough. Again i said my piece and left the chat as it was all going back to more rubbish talk.

 A few weeks went by and i had saw that the guy who added me to the new AC group i was in was blocked from the old group i was i and i asked why. Oh boy that shit storm hit hard. Because i hadnt been that involved in the group chat or on the fb page they basically started on me which was hilarious to be honest. Now they booted my friend because he was adding their members to his own fb which was a big no no. I had also added members because i asked them if they would like to be apart of it. When i said this they were quiet for a little time and then went on this pity party of ‘’Well it doesnt matter as it seems lots are jumping ship and so we are going to close the group anyway. We’ll keep it open but no more meet ups or anything blah blah blah’’ It was literally like they had a toy taken from them and they were reacting like a shitty child. With that,and watching the melt down this lot were having my last message was something like ‘’well its been nice knowing you all take care’’ and that was it. Soon enough i was booted from that chat and kicked out of the group hahahaha. I was then informed they put a post up about closing the group as people were leaving and they couldnt be bothered with it anymore and just really stupid stuff tbh but they sounded so butt hurt it was unreal. So now comes in one of my rules. The second anyone walks out of my life,that is it for them. I dont chase people or find out answers i just let them do what they got to do and i do my own thing. I then deleted and blocked all of the admin and mods but one off of my fb because i wasnt going to let them kick me out of the group for their tantrum and then think its ok to watch what i do with me life. I dont f***ing think so. The next day a good friend had sent me a pic of one of the admins trying to play the victim card and butt hurt again that they had been removed from my life. Its simple. You walk out you never get the chance to come back or watch what i do. F*** no! So yeah i easily cut stupid people off.

I have other rules too and another is that if i have had no contact with someone on line or on the phone in over 6 months i delete/remove/block them from all my social media and also if their number is in my phone book i delete numbers too. Now tbh this should not need explaining to anyone but here is example two of why people just f*** me off.

Now i get on with anyone and everyone as i said and blokes especially as i’ve always been a bit of a tom boy and so girly girls i dont really get on with. Now i’ve made some great friends from the netherlands the last few years who are just wonderful and mean a lot to me and i will always do my best to go see them if i am over there or if they are going to festivals things like that i will go and support them. Anyway last may something happened at an event which was just blown out of proportion it was unreal. Lets use person A and person B as i dont like to use names. Now person A is from the netherlands and person B is from the UK. I have known for a long time that person B has liked person A and thats fair enough. Person A is still a great friend of mine and person B is no more. Now then at an event last year i got a little drunk with person A and it was a good laugh. Whilst walking together i happened to trip over something and my friend caught me and then heald my hand to help me walk as i was pretty drunk. That was nice of him. Now then at the same time this happened person B saw this happen and knowing the sort of person they are (a complete and utter immature asshole btw) i then get a message from a outside person saying i was a bad friend because i know how person B likes person A and what i was playing at blah blah blah. I laughed at the message as it really was BS and replied politely the event that had happened with the falling over and also hello im gay so back the fuck off im not interested in person A. Said messenger soon backed off and that was it. Thankfully i didnt see said messenger rest of the event. But anyway there was no need for that. What happened was a laugh between two friends nothing more nothing less.

Event ends and everyone goes their own way and back home and funny enough Person B does not really talk to me much after and tbh i didnt care. Yes i get they liked person A but ffs grow up and maybe ask what happened before getting someone else to fight your battles for you. I think it took a few weeks before i heard from them and they were still in a piss when they really had no right to be and left it at that. Move on about 3 months and i knew what was coming and it was the usual messages of ‘’Oh im so sorry for being a tit back then it was so silly of me blah blah blah hope we are ok’’ i explained to person A that i had no bad will towards them at all and its all over and done with and forget it and move on.No problem at all. That was the last time i heard from person A. Going back about 8 months now.....bare that in mind......

Now last November i went to the Netherlands for a gig and to see person B and his new gf who i had got to know over the internet. They had taken me in for a few days and it was lovely before i went to amsterdam. Now when i got back to the uk i did a instagram post saying thank you to my friends for a great time. I was scrolling through fb not even an hour after my post and i saw a shitty post from person A saying ‘’Oh looks like i’ll have to take some people off of my fb as i dont want to see things like that as they hurt’’ and some other bs. I knew instantly this was aimed at me and low and behold the next day after their fb post i was taken off of their instagram. Why you ask? Well because i had had a lovely time with my friend and his new gf!!!. This was now also 6 months after the BS at the said event before as well. FFS get over person B already as its been 6 bloody months and you knew he also had a sodding mrs and no interest in you and you didnt even talk that much. I get it feelings for someone can mean so much but to be so petty against someone else because they hung out with your crush and their new gf is f***ing stupid! So there comes into my rule of if you walk away from me or out of my life in anyway you do not get to see what i am up to anymore so i blocked person A from my instagram after that immature bs and at that time also muted them on fb as i no longer wanted to see the shit they were posting. Xmas and new year comes and goes and no messages. Not a problem i had already moved on with my life.

Same event comes around this year where shit kicked off last year but this year i didnt go. I knew plenty of folk that did and are in the same clicky group and noticed person A was hardly in much pictures which i thought was amusing tbh as they are all such attention seekers. So i went onto Person A’s fb page and saw that i had been removed from their fb page. Fair enough i thought not a problem at at all since it had been 8 months since we talked and they had already walked out in one way so the trash took itself out which was perfect for me. Again i had no problem with this due to their behaviours before hand and also i had moved on so didnt care. So with that and knowing how creepy they are on social media i block them as well. Done and dusted i thought.........

A few weeks ago i suddenly get messages from person A (comes up as unknown number on the app it was on but i knew who it was) asking if i had taken them off of my social media and why. I didnt reply to the message as i feel  no explanation is needed for such a thing. Life moves on and people grow apart its pretty normal tbh. So anyway another week goes by and i get another message asking the same thing but this time less jokey about it and more demanding. I ignore and delete the messages again. Another few days goes by and the third message is 1) damn creepy 2) proves my point on how crazy they are. The message basically said person A can see me on another accounts i have and so know i am online still and that they have talked to other people about things and they have said to let it go but they cant do that because they want answers. I literally lol to this message because it was just so needy and whiny but also damn creepy. Ffs who watches someone else from other accounts to see if they get a reaction or not?! Like grow up but the main thing that actually pissed me off about this was the pure nerve this person had to ask for answers when they were the first one to walk away many months back. Now did i go to them asking questions and why? No i did not as i dont care and still dont. Yet here is person A demanding to know why i have blocked them?! F*** right off. Again it comes back to you do not walk out of my life and expect to then keep an eye on me. Thats just all sorts of messed up and their messages just proves how f***ing crazy they are for checking up on me other profiles. If i could find these profiles i would block them too but tbh i dont care. I am happy and living my life. But how f***ing dare anyone demands to know anything from me when they f***ed off first. Not going to happen. I am hoping person A soon gives up and just leaves me alone but time will tell. If i get one more message i will then block them from what app they have contact me on.

You may wonder why i’ve wanted to rant about this and i’ll tell you why. The last few weeks i have got friends who have gone or going through life changing things. One has brain cancer and has maybe 2 years to live,another her ovarian cancer has come back and dont know the full scale yet and another a family member went through something horrific and its made me stop and think about life in general. I knew that life was short after i lost my dad but with all this happening and also more going on its made me think that again and gone bloody hell you never know what will happen to you. It makes you think about the important stuff and things that actually are important and not the BS of social media and things like that. I want my life to be filled with good people that are there for me and also support and love me for what id do. Not whiny pathetic people that moan about sweet f*** all when they should be more thankful for what they do have. I dont have time for people that have no positive effect on my life anymore. I wanted to be lifted up not heald back. I want to be pushed forward,not worried about other peoples opinions. 

So now i am taking time out from a things again for my well being and looking forward to the future :-D 

[oflgtfol]

ok so i think, as always, the book was better than the movie... ie, some final Thots on 2001 a space odyssey

like idk i just think the concepts were easier to work with when put down in words than purely visuals unless they built in stuff to provide explanation which idk how lol...

also they dedicated a huge amount of time to just fucking. visuals and nothing else it was actually kinda tedious like five whole minutes of just different shots of the same thing with some choir of human voices just doing monotone noises it was... weird lol. i think that time couldve been cut down and instead used to like... pace this shit better lmfao

like i think if i hadnt read the book i’d be INCREDIBLY confused about Everything. and the weird pacing didnt help......... like if there was more time dedicated to bowman making his way alone to jupiter (in the movie, saturn in the book) then it’d be better and it’d show his alteration in psyche.. instead we got a time skip... and then there was a whole process for him entering the star gate but in the movie its just him staring out the window at jupiter and then suddenly some weird line appears and BOOM PSYCHEDELIC TRIP like LOL what??? ALSO LIKE -50 POINTS FOR NOT HAVING THE LINE “OH MY GOD IT’S FULL OF STARS” BECAUSE THEY TOOK AWAY THE STAR GATE!!!! and again fuck you for not showing the inverted colors place i was PSYCHED to see that on screen but uh ahhaha no its just a bunch of landscapes in weird neon colors for like 5-10 whole minutes.. ok.........

the hotel scene couldve been done better too :/ in fact i think the tone of several scenes kinda got lost.. like hal’s death was, it was ok i guess but it didnt have as much of an impact on me as it did in the book. but i DID like how there was actually a reaction from bowman during it which wasnt really in the book beyond “wow this is harder than i thought lol” as if he isnt purposefully killing what he considers another crewmate for his own survival LOL

but uhm yeah the entire final act of the book .. bowman had basically said fuck it to a normal life lol he literally was like “i’ve made it this far and im not gonna be stopped now” he just went right fuckin into that star gate and he embraced the hell out of it.... the entire time he was in awe and he even said he wasnt very afraid. he took notice that despite being in such a dangerous situation he was being taken care of so obviously whatever brought him there wanted him alive and safe... he only ever got cautious when in the hotel room. there, he was anxious for the first time bc he thought he was like the representative of the human race so he didnt want to be stupid and fuck it up, but he also was afraid of being overly cautious in case that was Being Stupid.. so he went around the room investigating stuff, he noticed that the room was a decoy set up by the aliens based off what was portrayed in human media and it was used to put him at ease, he literally took a shower and went to sleep.. idk there was a lot of nuance in that scene that i didnt appreciate at the time but the movie just . lol ok. the movie removed all of that and its really quite incomprehensible. i only understand what was going on because i read the book. the scene really accomplished nothing for the narrative in the movie but in the book it tied up all the loose ends (the giant shockwave of static when the monolith was exposed to sunlight was the aliens collecting all humans transmissions - thats how they learned to replicate the hotel room for bowman, cause familiarity puts one at ease. the movie retained the radio static but in removing the details of the hotel room scene that shit is like literally never explained so lmfao)

ALSO. the man apes at the beginning. the movie literally never says that they evolved because of the monolith. it vaguely implies it but unless you read the book im like 99% sure it would go over your head. legit the man apes dance around the monolith and then start using bones to beat the shit out of animals and each other and thats it LOL. in the book it showed the monolith forcing them to learn how to use tools, even accidentally killing one in the process, and then it showed how they begin to think along the lines of predators and using tools as weapons. also the book said that the man apes didnt care about the monolith at all bc they thought it was just a rock and like who cares about rocks when you’re fighting to survive everyday, and even when it proved to be more than a rock they still didnt care when it was suddenly gone lol, meanwhile the movie had the fucking one ape wake up and immediately start screaming and waking the others up when it saw the monolith and then they all started gathering around it and stroking it like uhm lol what.. the whole point of this part is that theyre more like animals than humans still and i dont think animals are really that aware of things.. yeah they may be curious as to a new object and maybe start sniffing it but like WOW it was a HUGE deal to them in the movie lol????????)

ALSO I DIDNT LIKE HOW THE MOVIE CHARACTERIZED HAL. hal was made to be sympathetic in the books, in fact its never explicitly said but he’s... very near a human in psyche at least. he never kills anyone on purpose - they only die on accident. he acts out due to guilt over hiding the truth of the mission from bowman and poole, panic when his attempts at thwarting them start to go wrong, and naivety, when he doesnt know what sleep is because he’s a robot and he thinks sleep is equivalent to death and so he thinks bowman and poole are going to kill him. theyre all very human emotions, and even bowman says that he can sympathize with that despite being a direct victim in all this lol. yet in the movie hal seems to generic Evil Robot’s True Evil Nature Is Revealed As Robot Goes Rogue And Kills Humans. his interactions with bowman and poole are very ominous and he seems to be deliberately lying to them, while in the book he seemed kinda hesitant about it.  and then movie hal goes and kills poole, bowman goes out to save him (which he doesnt do in the book), doesnt let bowman back in????, and then deliberately kills the other crewmembers currently in stasis.... but in the book hal killed poole to keep him from discovering that hal was lying, bowman gets suspicious that hal is going Bad so he goes to wake up the 3 other crewmembers, hal opens the airlocks when bowman is waking them up, killing the 3 and attempting to kill bowman out of self defense due to bowman planning to disconnect hal, which hal thinks is Death. i mean ultimately, yes hal killed them all, but the motives behind it are different and characterize him much differently as a result.. hal just seemed like an AI who was programmed to do a task even if it resulted in bad things in the movie, but in the book he genuinely felt almost human, and his artificial intelligence only really factored in when it came to him actually being able to deal with human emotions... a normal human would not kill people when their lie was starting to come unraveled (depending on the severity of the lie i guess), but hal has never dealt with this guilt and he literally doesnt even know what sleep is because hes not human, and thats what makes him do these bad things, and even then we never know for sure if he ever actually intended for them to wind up as murder lol

i mean the movie had fanTASTIC visuals but from the story perspective its uh. lacking lol.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i have a feeling that i broke up with him. 

i could just be reading it the wrong way but i also kind of thought i read it the wrong way last night.

theres no denying he was upset. he was definitely upset. i asked him outright, “what does all of this mean?” and he replied “i dont know”. 

i thought that was strange. i thought if i were in his shoes and i was fed up then this would be the opportunity to break up entirely. i wouldnt say i dont know. i’d be like is it not clear enough. i’m not doing this anymore with you. whatever we are ceases to be now. i asked outright - what does all of this mean. why am i getting this rant. am i getting it because this is your end speech or because you want to rant and get it off your chest.

“i dont know”.

honestly i have done this before. and the last time meant i want to try something different and realize this is better. i dont know is poison and toxic and unfair. i should not be strung along. 

he said he wanted to be left alone. he needed space. but im tired of this relationship as it is. i cannot continue this and not seriously damage my soul. he felt i wasnt listening to him, that i was making excuses for my bad attitude that makes him feel bad. that things hadnt changed in two years and he wanted space and then he hung up. 

its very hard to gauge whether or not this meant an absolution. like space meant forever and we’d never be together again. this wasnt what was said. this is what i felt was implied. i dont know if im right or wrong because the actual words did not really confirm one way or another. 

but this was enough for me. it didnt really matter if he was actually done becaue at that moment i had decided i was done. 

and i unleashed a rant that has never been spoken of before by me because it is the number one thing i have kept inside for literally two years. this is “the secret”. this is the thing he has never known or understood to any capacity and has no idea the affect it has on my mental heath. 

thats not to say he is at fault for my depression. i made a concious consenting decision to be apart of a relationship i knew was struggling to meet my actual wants and needs in life. i dont know if i ever fully believed that it could but i sincerely wanted it to. like nothing more i wanted was for this to work out an i was willing to live in a more alternative kind of way for him. 

but at every single turn, at every single point this was ever brought up  it continually dashed my hopes at a legitimate stable future with him. and nothing else was ever openly spoken about. i wa never apart of the conversation. other people were more apart of the future than i was. i was just a fly on the wall. i felt like a fly on the wall, i felt really insignificant and i allowed him to say things to me that were absolutely wrong and disgusting for any person in a relationship to say to someone else. 

i acted on pure instinct and let it go; i aske him why he would ask me to follow him. why would he continue a relationship that had no future. why does he say things during sex that dont relate to the actual life i have with him and why doesnt he understand that this has sent mixed messages for two years. why cant he see the ony thing ive consistently said i wanted was a life with someone. i wanted a future with someone. i wanted to be with someone. i wanted a fucking reason to live within my own desires for life. and he never gave me that because all he gave me was money and he doesnt even see whats happening because hes too busy trying to get something back for all the money hes put out. its like he is where he is right now because he has all these arbitrary rules eeryone hs to follow in order to interact with him and their reward is a mediorce friendship where they still hve to follow all the rules to maintain it. its completely unfair when ive given him nothing but love and respect and i just hated myself enough to follow these bullshit rules without saying anything until now.

and then  i stopped. it was a blast of seven or so short messages - no long rants or over explaination. just straight forward completely plain and simple. i spent a long time writing 50 pages that in reality didnt sum up what i was able to in these messages but maybe i needed to write 50 pages to be able to sum it up. i bn a way, i didnt even need a response. this was just for me after two years of holding back an sayng nothing - this was an ending for me. i gave him two years of my dedicated love and affection and loyalty and support. this is what i wanted in return. i just needed to say it.

and i wouldve sat on it as that for the next few days. i sat down afterwards upset that i was involved in a conflict at all but not upset about the ending of this era. to be fair to the randomness of life, i wont say its an end to the relationship or a relationship with him because who knows but its certainly an end of this era of keeping this huge secret that affected the entire way the relationship played out. but its not like this really bad secret. its not me trying to harm him. my secret was that i loved him so much i wanted to be with him for 10 - 20 years and i wanted to be in his life and do things with him and become a better person with him and for him and for myself. but i knew he didnt want that. he said it multiple times. but we stil ended up at two years in a solid relationship together. a solid relationship tht had literally no future from the moment it started. and that’s really, really hard. i blame neither of us. we were really excellent to each other in this relationship by most standards. we had very little complaints about each other and the ones we had kind of remained consistent from the time we met each other. and neither of us changed these traits. but how do you give p something that kind of does work for the most part? like my laptop is pretty shit but im not tring to throw it out because it still works in most aspects. it just has some quirks that piss me off. 

but non-commitment is not a quirk. its a really big deal. its a really big deal to put two years of your life into someone and not see a future or want a future with them throughout the whole thing. 

i figured he wouldnt reply at all. a few hours went by before he replied “im sorry. i guess we’ll see if the future will prove your theory” and then “good night. you do not get to harass me because you’re upset.” 

at the time i quickly read this as a sort of passive aggressiveness. like “oh, i’mmmm sorrrrryyy you feel this way but whatever fuck you.” i got angry again. i didnt know why he was replying and why this reply was so ambiguous and mentioned nothing in regards to what i said. why reply at all? two hours later? about harassing him? that really makes no sense when i sent an appropriate number of messages nd then stopped within probaby less than fifteen minutes. it wasnt like i spammed him with non sense, i simply texted in a way i would anyone else and didnt stick to his format of how to text him. but again - why reply at all? 

i told him if he wanted to belittle my actual thoughts to just me harassing him thats up to him but i was good on talking to him tonight. he replied, “i dont want to speak anymore.” 

to which i replied of course because ive pulled the blanket off of this whole thing. he knows that i know that this is bullshit, he knows that i want more and have said i wanted more and hes continued to act the way he does and say the things he does with nothing behind it. of course he doesnt want to speak anymore to answer to any of this. hes too insecure to admit that he had a hand in the failure of this and wants to blame it on me. 

i stopped after ten minutes or so. its not like constant messages ten minutes straight but it took me ten minutes to fully type out and send the three or four messages it took to express myself. it wasnt like an hour of my time dedicated to doing this. 

but then i kind of read back on it. and it is ambiguous. its very much still in the lines of “i dont know.” because he chose not to attack me or what i said. he could decide he just oesnt have the time to care about it anymore. that hes not going to dignify it with a response. but why acknowledge it. why say something like “im sorry.”. was he sarcastically replying like lets see if youre right and if so - how does that apply to what i actually said? is that in regards to the idea that i believe what i need is having someone in my life? i didnt really insult him - the worst i said was about his arbitrary rules. 

and “i dont want to speak anymore”. i sound crazy because he makes people sound crazy on purpose. but ive explained it that i know im being played, i know this is a game and i never want to play it again, ever. i’m ending the game once and for all - either the game stops and we have a future together or the game stops and we dont. either way the game is stopping.  he did not say “i dont want to speak to YOU anymore”. it souns crazy. it sounds like im reading into it but i have not been wrong before. and this is not because i want to be with him as is. i dont. my assumption is things are not changing and this is the end times or i would not have said what i said. i would PREFER closure. i would much rather have him outright say “i cannot have a life with you, i dont see myself with you in the future, i may or may not love you but i am going to live a different life.” 

and to be fair, i deserve that closure. 

“im sorry. only the future can prove your theory”

“good night. you do not get to harass me because youre upset”

“i dont want to speak anymore.” 

the only thing he neede to say was “i’m done. i’m no longer going to be apart of this. no relationship, no future.” 

what is my theory? my theory is that he had no plans for me in his future. that he has never truly had plans and hs never spoken openly about having a future with me but he’s been more than capable of making future plans with others. and a good portion of the reason why he refuses to make any plans is due to not following his arbitrary rules to be his friend. thats my theory. hes depressed because he puts these rules on every single person in his life and ive hated myself eough to follow them knowing it was outlandish. but when you dont follow the rules its a real insult to him an you dont care and youre being inconsiderate of him and what he wants in this. 

my theory is that im extremely unhappy doing this. im extremely unhappy getting money without love. without a future. he truly made this into a 2 year prostitution. and he somehow sells this to me as him just feeling bad you know. he felt too bad to do it because things always come up and he cant talk about being upset. so two years of prostitution was a much better solution. 

so how can the future prove this theory? how can it prove that he had no plans for me in his future? that cannot be proven unless you DO have plans. unless i am actually apart of the plans. to apologize is to acknowledge that im not wrong. that what im saying is true belief and that i didnt pull this out of my ass and im not making an excuse for it. i was sold, continually, on something that was never provided. empty things were said. this is truly heartbreaking. to say im sorry is to say that im not wrong to feel this way. 

of course he feels “harassed”. its all he can do in response to this. hes not going to get into it now - he cant just fall back on how he feels about my attitude and hes not secure enough to take his part of the blame. he has to tell me im harassing him, that he believes im upset. 

and its so easy to read “im not speaking anymore” as a fuck you. it really is. but when you put it into this context - that i attacked him, that i’m now clearly incredibly upset about something that is very much of a reality in our relationship and has been for a long time - to say “i dont want to speak anymore” could very well be more like “im not going to speak anymore”. that he knows im upset and hes not going to fuel it any further. that he knows hes gotten himself into this by talking a lot of shit before this so speaking even more isnt going to solve it. 

but by all means i could be wrong. i could be completely wrong and its just me assuming we’re still in this game when he’s already left it. i dont know. we love each other a lot, i honestly believe that, and neither of us has done anything at all to eachother in two years that was malicious or mean. everything that comes up is in regards to how someone is dealing with whatever is going on. we dont have bad feelings about each other. 

since it was my birthday i ignored his rules further and sent a final three messages before midnight. i think as my anger subsided from being attacked, i began to realize that he might not have been as on the defensive as i believed him to be. so i softened a bit - not that i wanted to “get him back”. i dont really want him as is. i love him but fuck man its tooooo painful. instead i just explained much more calmly that i was really disappointed and heartbroken and all i ever told him was that i wanted a family and to share a life with someone. i screamed this at him because its all i want in life and i live in a way with him where its dangled in front of me all the time but its not actually there and it kills me because i love him and i want to be with him and i want to have that life with him and i dont need luxuries and i would follow him. but this has weighed so heavily on my depression when my depression is feeling alone and isolated in the world. i could have put the effort into someone who wouldnt leave me in two years because im frustrated they dont really want to be with me but are still fucking with me. you couldve let me find happiness somewhere else but you didnt. 

i told him i would never think of him as a bad guy or abusive. i dont think is shittier traits equate abuse. i would never sell that idea to anyone else so i can be more of a victim or something. he wasnt a bad guy and he certainly was not abusive. but he can be controlling and manipulative. these are not star qualities and do as much damage as someone having to cre for someone else with depression. i think we are both equally responsible for the hurt in this relationship but i have no resentment or feeling of needing to be vindicated. i took responsibility for my own actions - not speaking up sooner or being more straight forward when this was affecting pretty much everything. 

this morning i woke up feeling uneasy. i realize now its because i didnt get closure. it wasnt a real breakup. i didnt have any plans to get my stuff back. i have his skates and his mothers skates. he has extremely sentimental items to me that are only there because of an empty promise he made and never fulfilled. the game continues. he knows my part of the game is to return everything. he knows i want a clean break. i want to be told “im not doing this anymore, i will drop off your things at such and such time and im not interested in having further discussions with you about the relationship”. the return of things is a sign of respect and also not to further the issue along. i dont want to see you in a month to collect shit from a former relationship. i want to come tomorrow, get my shit and forget you exist. im doing yu the same favor. why prolong it. 

so i decied to make the super extreme cold trek to his house but it was good. i really needed to take a walk and get fresh air and it was super cold but i didnt freeze. i collected some of the things i borrowed from him but i returned some thngs that were kind of just momentos of the relationship. and that was my own manipulation tactic. i really want to double down on the fact that in my mind he has already ended the relationship and i am sooo hurt and feel sooo badly/strongly about the whole thing. i returned a picture. ive kept the picture for almost the whole relationshp through various moves. ive lost keys and wallets and cellphones in the time of having this picture and its a really nice picture of us but man is it painful as fuck to look at it. i certainly dont want it when this relationship was built on a two year farce. 

i returned flowers - which is funny but dried flowers i kept when he bought me flowers. because in such manipulation tactic i want him to know that he and this was of such importance to me that i kept dried flowers he bought me. i returned something he never owned or even bought or would maybe even understand why i would give it to him. i bought / made a necklace over christmas that had our birthstones in it. i dont know why. it was like the one hopeless romantic thing ive done in my life. i returned that because im pissed. he literally had no idea probaby that this necklace existed. but im pissed and the only gesture appropriate eough to express the level of heartbroken anger i have is to return a necklace i made that he didnt even know existed. its not even returning. i gave him a necklace. i gave him back a book i borrowed from him like.. three months into dating. i returned the last sweater i borrowed that i have in my possession. 

as a whole this symbolizes that at this moment, i no longer have things to return. i am not keeping things as a romantic gesture. i am literally giving him everything back. his mind, his peace, his material posessions and the “love” that he’s provided to me. i am giving him back, with all of these things, the piece of his heart he gave to me. it was very small but im really just going to return it as unharmed as possible. 

but i shifted control and put the ball back in his court. i was “expected” to “give him space”. i always am. but i can give you space forever if you just return my things, you know? like dont let me sit here wondering when the guy who refuses to alk to me might give me one of the few posessions i have thats a family relic. thats really fucked up. you can end it completely and have all of the space in the world. and he’ll make excuses either way - he’ll bide time until he wants to deal with it because he can do what he wants or he’ll bide time to let everything simmer down to try and reignite something. 

i messaged him a final time - well for me at least, for the next day or so. i personally really honestly got everything out i would need or want to say to him. i have no more questions. this is it. this is the most IT of all the things. everthing else is meaningless. i even went to insult him our of pure anger and in anger deleted it because thats not even my problem. i dont need to insult him to make him feel bad my objective is not to make him feel bad but for him to fucking understand once and for all that he ignored every single request i ever made for what i actually needed to feel content in my life. he took up space that someone else could have been in that actually wanted to be with me long term. and to what end? that was my question. TO WHAT END DID ALL OF THIS HAPPEN? WHY? why would someone put themselves through this with zero commitment and then become frustrated after playing like they were committed for two years? you cannot brush off ther seriousness of it being so long now. its not a fling. we both made choices. i am telling you why i made mine. i am telling you that i “knew” you were not going to give me what i want and i continued to consent to being in a relationship with no fucking future because i loved you. why the fuck did you do it when you werent getting what you fully wanted either? was this all just a game? a way to pass the time? an inconvient time? did he just pity me? did he use me? why did we go an entire two years when my depression caused by feeling isolated and unloved because i lived on the sidelines of the life of a person i spent the majority of my time with was making me feel sooo jaded and bitter at times that i sat completely frustrated or got into arguments where im sobbing about wanting a family like an after school special? i KNOW thats stressful. i GET IT. but WHAT ABOUT THE CAUSE? im not just freaking out to freak out. all these little things throw into question any legitimacy of a fuuture with him and hes spent two months talking about leaving and im not even remotely involved and he wonders why i have a bad attitude towards him? he wonders why i wont take his advice outright? all you’re doing is telling me whats wrong with me and leaving. you’re essentially a troll. the only way your words have any true impact is if you’re apart of my actual life. not right now. not just in the now the current day. but my lifetime, like a legitimate care and deep understanding of who i am and what ive been through with an unconditional love and forgiveness for failures and missteps. you want me to become better because you want to watch me become better, you want to see me alleviate my suffering, not because you’re scared and feel obligated like i’m a homeless person sitting on your front step. 

this is all i want to know. and i may not get an exact answer as to why it happened. but i will get an exact answer to whether he believed/s there was/is a future together for us. ive made it so easy not to commit in any certain way. but now it cannot continue in any fashion without a commitment to a future. i dont want to be on my life journey with someone whos not even sure if theyll be there. like every corner they might take another road. thats so much instability its weighed so fucking heavy on me like the only thing i want is this and its not happening. 

if he replies to my message today or makes an effort to return my things today then i know hes moving forward without me. it means hes definitely not dealing any further and hes removing all reason to contact him further. if he does not contact me today it means that all of this is so heavy and so painful for him that he cannot deal and hes not sure what he wants or how he wants to deal with it so hes not going to touch it right now. it means hes not ready to remove reason to contact him. he wants the chance to keep this going to a point where he can make a decision.

i made it very clear i just wanted the sentimental items. this is what would weigh on me the most from here and they were very important. i manipulatively mentioned that i had not cheated on him or called the cops on him for no reason to further distance myself from the idea that i was somehow like his exs. seriously. i am sad because i am isolated. i am isolated because of him. without him i would meet new and different people who may or may not help me further my life but he has made even new friendships hard on me. he wanted all of my attention and love and care and i wanted to give it to him and then he wouldnt want it but then want it again and im just so tired. im not a bad person. im fucking sad and lonely. i could be fulfilled by him but he wont give it to me. 

i told him we could have a conversation if he wanted to but my assumption woul be that he did not want to. i was giving him the option to be peaceful about it. to just end it copacetically so we could hide and lick our wounds seperately in private. his silence would speak so much more to me than words in this situation because i would know he was very much done. but im not going to shut down communication. im going to leave it open for him and let him know that he still has the door shut on his side. 

if he doesnt message me back today im going to message him again tomorrow and essentially repeat that i would like to make a plan to have this returned to me asap. and that im also still genuinely just hurt but have no reason myself to continue  trying to make something out of this that was never going to be. hes had two years to decide if he would want me in his future, it shouldnt take longer than two days to reply to ending it. 

[completelypissed-blog]

Never again will i ever never be me

All my post were about a year or two into the relationship. You can see that I was insecure and unsure how to really take his actions was i wrong to think a certain way was I closed minded because I had never been in a relationship before this. I dont remember it being that harsh in the beggining and maybe thats because it got worse. I pretty much lived with him I never went home. We did everything together and I loved him so much and I thought he loved me and maybe he thought so to but it was a lie. Little things i did would piss him off to the point where he would ignore me completely. He started calling me stupid and useless. Sometimes he would ignore me for days. The worst part is he would play on my insecurities he would make me feel like I was just screwing up all the time when in reality it just wasnt the way he wanted it done. I tried to tell him how i felt but he said it didnt matter that the point was i had made him mad and i had to make it up to him but the way he wanted me to would always change to the point where I felt like i was literally jumping through hoops as he whipped insult after insult at me. If i got mad he would become angry, if i didnt console him and get over my anger by myself at the same time he would threaten to leave. He kept putting everything on me to the point where i truly believed everything was my fault. He became unemployed i started paying for electricity and bills, food...etc. He started talking to a girl and when i got insecure he made me feel worse by saying i didnt trust him that i wouldnt let him have friends. So i let him talk to her even though my instincts told me he liked her and she liked him and one day when i went to work he fucked her that day i felt something was up the shower had been ran it made me feel suspicious then he wouldnt let me touch him saying he had masturbated and his dick was raw...i even had a nightmare where he fucked her and i walked in on them and he consoled me reasurring me that he wasnt intrested in her do left it and he continued to talk to her. He tried to break up with me and broke down and told me and i forgave him I stayed with him...so stupid really. I lost more money in the place we were staying and then due to complications and an eviction notice moved in with my parents. For a while things were great we hardly argued and he was tolerant of any mistake i made just like i was to him as usual. Then he started to ignore me became frustrated at the tiny things people shrug their shoulders at. Expected me to sweep him off his feet everytime he became upset while he hypocritically shoved off my own feelings. I was all about him to the point of even though i lived with my parents i hardly saw them. I spent all my money on him I took him anywhere he wanted to go i cooked when he worked loved on him while he played video games it was never enough. He always said I never showed enough effort. When ever i tried to tell my side of an arguement he called it an excuse and a waste of time. Soon I had to change and he insisted i had to...he never looked in the mirror never wanted to hear my problems with him or things he did wrong only i had to change for him. He would belittle me to try to get me to change ignore me to teach me a lesson and at a few times used the chick he fucked to get inside my head and prey upon my insecurities. I tried to break up he came back and i still loved him. He tried to humiliate me in front of my family which outraged them and for awhile due to them lecturing him we were ok but apparently he wasnt satisfied. He just wanted to appease my parents he still wanted me to change and still refused to think about how he was treating me. I was walking on glass i had lost my confidence i just didnt want to make him angry mu goal everyday was just to have a good one and i never succeded once. Break and egg wrong, look at him a certain way, not apologize correctly there was always something. It got to the point where he admitted he was trying to fix me like i was broken...still i showed no effort in his eyes, and wasting time became his biggest pet peeve. Especially when it came to me trying to explain myself instead of making it up to him in the exact way he wanted me to. He tried texting the girl he fucked just nonchalantly and i became upset but he couldnt wrap his head around why why i wouldnt want him talking to the girl he had stabbed me in the back with. Made me feel bad like i should trust him and be ok with it that i was being closed minded. He didnt understand or didnt care. By now hed had a job amd had quit again he lasted almost two months then i was taking care of him againwhich i didnt mind i loved him. We went camping i was extremely excited it was a family tradition and i had been wanting to experience with him. Worst mistake of my relationship. He asked for a cig then because i dont like people smoking cigs he tried to love on me and didnt hear me when i said i loved him back. When he came back he wouldnt talk to me i cried and vegetated for almost the whole day. When i found out why he was being that way i tried to explain myself thinking if he knew he just hadnt heard me then he would get over it like i normal person...no he didnt believe me as tho i was some spiteful bitch bent on upsetting him and he didnt care excuses were a waste of time i had to make him feel better in the middle of the woods i didnt know what to do. He stayed mad then threatened to walk home if i didnt take him...like i was going to let him walk i had to tell my family we were leaving early after hardly spending anytime with them due to our fight...which to me was like saying fuck you to my entire family. I yelled at him the entire way home but he got what he wanted. He continued to be angry at me belittle me ignore me walk away from me and sometimes he would even mock my crying even when we went out with my mother something would go wrong and wed have a terrible time. I slowly became more and more frustrated and the onesidedness of it all...but i loved him. To him i just started to waste more time explaining things when i should be making him feel better. One day he made lentils and he wanted chips to dip and i didnt and emphasized that fact he proceded to throw chips into my soup and when i looked at him angrily because he had pretty much done the exact opposite of what i wanted something he complained so much about me doing he became mad himself and i had to get over the fact that he had pissed me off and kiss his ass. Which made me even more frustrated. Finally the day arrived we were making tuna sandwiches and i was growing more and more frustrated because he kept taking away the vegetables i was cutting because i wasnt doing it "right" i slowly became less enthused and quieter. Instead of acknowledging which to him is the first step in apologizing he became frustrated with me started asking me degradingly what the next step was and because i didnt know how he wanted it made i didnt know the answer he started to walk away i became panicked i had cracked the glass. I explained that i too was frustrated i wanted him to care he didnt he wanted me to get over it and console him feeling conflicted because i was angry myself and he didnt care i let him leave. He called me told me i was a selfish and stupid bitch going on and on insulting me telling me ge was thinking about leaving me over this shit...i began to cry i loved him he said i needed to figure out how to make it up to him he didnt care if i was upset as well. He mocked me for crying. All this time in the back of my head my past self is resurfacing going wtf and dont talk to me like that im not stupid this situation your ridiculous anger is stupid. So as he yelled at me again to figure it out or he would leave...i snapped i started shouting at the top of my lungs all the unfairness he started to tell me to shut up something he loved to do when i started voicing any opinion he didnt agree with at first i listened then i said fuck u i told him he needed to reflect on his own actions not only mine that he was a hyprocrite and selfish not only for not caring i was upset but also by walking away something i stopped doing for him cuz it upset him. I told him i wasnt stupid the fact that he gets angry over all these little things was ridiculous he as usual refused to listen. He said fine why be together at all and said it was over i repeatedly told him i loved him and i didnt want to end it like this he didnt care. He came got his stuff and left i texted him and called him probably 40 times pleading he come back because i loved him i didnt want to waste almost four years i missed him. And its sad because in two days i got over him in two days i became excited at all the things id get to do again now that i wasnt with him the freedom and happiness i felt now that i didnt have someone bearing down on me making me scared to make them angry or face a bad day. And the tuna sandwiches he made were disgusting. Im more myself in these few days then i had been in that entire 4 yr relationship.