#(and I also tend to disassociate when I have an anxiety attack)

[for-some-reason-i-can-hold-light]

He knew pretty quick that he'd started seeing things that weren't there. He figured he was probably asleep, or maybe it was their panic that did this. Whatever it was, he wanted it to stop.

It's head hurt, more than usual. He was no stranger to a headache, he had them frequently. Probably a side effect of the first time he... died. He didn't like that it had happened twice, but he would've done it again in a heartbeat.

He didn't want to see the four of them. They'd been dead for years, and it got harder and harder to see them each time. Especially because... he couldn't remember their faces anymore.

It wasn't abnormal that their eyes didn't show. This was an aspect of true names. If you didn't know it, you couldn't see that persons eyes. He just took it a step farther with its spell casting.

At some point he thought he heard one of the others come in. He still couldn't see anything but the other four saviors, and a ravaged battle field, but he could hear one of them talking to it. He wanted to respond, but no words left its mouth.

At some point, they realized somebody had put a weighted blanket around them. It took a minute, but slowly the... hallucinations? Whatever they were, disappeared.

When he could finally see fully again, he realized he was sitting in the main room of the dorm. Niko was in the kitchen, clearly making tea. Asa was sitting there in the kitchen as well, working on something for her exams. Rizu and Sage weren't there.

Niko didn't say anything when they walked over, they just handed him a mug. The relief he felt from the silence was great, because their headache just felt worse.

After a bit, he felt himself start to drift to sleep. He was exhausted, so he just let it happen.

Finally it felt quiet.

[clovermarigold]

Hi, it's me again (^_^)/

Your HC was so cute *-*

Can I ask for another one? Maybe how the characters react when they get anxious? Do they hide and try to get over it alone or are they searching for help? (Do you write for Beckman too? I rewatch opla and I really start to like him)

Absolutely, I love it when yall request fics. Sorry it took so long to reply, pretty backed up with work rn.

One Piece Character Dealing with Anxiety

Luffy

Luffy is a very carefree person and doesn't get anxious easily. In the few cases he has been anxious it has always been over losing someone he loves. I head cannon that Luffy has slight abandonment issues but has learned to handle them pretty well.

On the off chance that he does have an anxiety triggered episode, Luffy is what would be considered both a fighter. He lashes out to do whatever he can to fix what's causing him anxiety. But his senses become very narrowed and blurred when he's in this state.

The most common examples are shortness of breath, blurry vision, and tunnel vision, shaky hands/ tremors, and loss of hearing. Spoilers; As seen in Ace's death scene.

Sanji

Sanji has a gaggle of mental issues and experiences that spur on anxiety. Some of the main contributors to his anxiety are PTSD, childhood neglect and abuse, OCD, nicotine addiction (don't smoke kids), and an inferiority complex/need to prove his self-worth.

When Sanji's anxiety is triggered, he reacts in a way that would consider him a freezer. Sanji was raised with little actual parenting, and the small bit he did get was tough love from Zeff. As a result, he tends to play the tough guy act.

Most common examples being disassociation, tunnel vision, shortness of breath, and loss of motor functions. Spoilers; as seen in Pudding's deception (I know that was more betrayal, but I see it as attacking his self-worth issues, so to me it counts)

Nami

Nami is very much the stoic type that tries to ignore or deny that she has anxiety and mental issues, spoiler.... she does. I mentioned in my last post that she is the one most struggling and learning to deal with her anxiety (pt.1). The main perpetrator for Nami's anxiety is Arlong and herself. Nami suffers from guilt and self-worth issues (A trend huh)

Nami is without a doubt the very definition of a fighter. While now with the help of her friends she's learning to react in a healthier way, for years under Arlong her default reaction to anxiety has been to lash out and get angry.

The common examples are aggression, unstable heart palpitations (Fast heartbeats), shortness of breath, tremors, blurry vision, and confusion.

Zoro

Zoro is a man who uses humor to distract from his anxiety and problems. While he is a mostly serious guy, in the anime he has a tom of golden moments that make my ribs hurt. His problems all of course stem from the loss of his friend and rival as well as their pact.

So, it's no surprise that Self-worth issues are again at fault for a crew members anxiety. I think that in the rare case that his anxiety does take hold, Zoro would freeze. But not to the point that he becomes a statue. Instead, I think that the reason we don't see a lot of his anxiety is because he pushes past his instincts to freeze and keep fighting.

Main expressions of anxiety I think he has, are loss of motor control, tunnel vision, and tensed muscles.

Usopp

Usopp tends to be made as a thoughtless coward with skin level character depth, but that ignores all of his character growth. Usopp is among the characters with less backstory in the trauma department. But I that doesn't mean he doesn't have any. Abandonment issues, paranoia being the most present. Formed from being without his dad and constantly afraid that his only friend would die at any moment.

Usopp is a runner, there's no doubt about it. When anxiety or panic attacks kick in, he kicks out. He's also what I would consider a hider, running as far from the situation and hiding until he can get his emotions under control.

Common symptoms include, shortness of breath, unstable heart palpitations, tunnel vision, restlessness, paranoia, sensory issues, namely noise and light.

Shanks

Ok, this one broke my heart to write. We don't have a lot to work with connon wise, so most of this are head cannons.

Shanks was extremely carefree and kept a positive mindset despite his upbringing and the death of his mentor. He was sad and it took a while to get over of course, but he did, and he didn't come out with anxiety issues. It wasn't until he lost his arm that his anxiety started to surface. The most common cases of his anxiety are night terrors and the occasional panic attack when in a situation he used to do easily when he had both arms. The main culprits of his anxiety are self-worth issues and phantom limb syndrome.

In my opinion, I believe that Shanks is a fighter. But not in the sense that he will lash out when he's anxious. Shanks is a fighter in the sense that he will force himself awake and out of his night terrors.

The main expressions of anxiety for Shanks are nightmares/terrors, shallow breathing, disassociation, and depression.

Mihawk

Mihawk is a character I have a hard time connecting with anxiety. Not because it's impossible for someone stoic to have anxiety. But because I just can't see him not having addressed it by his age. Shanks is believable because he prides himself on being upbeat, fun, merciful, and forgiving. Mihawk's childhood goal was to be the best, so I feel he would have realized a long time ago that he couldn't be the best without having addressed his problems and learning to handle or get over them.

In his youth however, I think he was a fighter similar to Nami. Getting upset with himself for being anxious and at the world for making him anxious.

Mihawk likely spent a lot of time working to address his main issues which I believe to be a god complex, narcissism, self-worth issues, and patients. he's still struggling with that last one.

Buggy

Buggy is all the issues compiled into a singular red nosed train wreck. I would need a week to list all the mental issues he still hasn't learned to cope with healthily. And NO, for all my Buggy stands reading this, you CANNOT fix him.

Buggy in my opinion is a fighter but is far worse than Nami or Mihawk. Buggy's anxiety tends to spiral to the point it becomes panic. For those who don't know, the difference between panic and anxiety attacks is that anxiety haunts the back of your mind and builds, panic will hit you fast and out of nowhere.

Buggy has probably the worst anxiety and symptoms due to being surrounded by a crew with a less than healthy mindset and power dynamic. Symptoms include, aggression, psychosis, delusions, labored breathing, unstable heart palpitations, and restlessness/tremors.

[strixton]

"having adhd is easy" "lol I'm so crazy I must have adhd" "haha watch me be crazy because I have adhd"

I am currently stuck in my bed, my phone dying but I don't have energy to find my charger in my sheets. I have to pack up an entire dorm room before 3pm tomorrow. I need to eat but cannot get myself to leave this bed. I am fighting back a huge anxiety attack due to the stress of not being able to do what I need to because of something called executive dysfunction. due to the fact that I cannot tell when my body is tired until I'm near passing out, I stayed up till 3am last night. I'm exhausted. I'm confused due to brain fog. I'm afraid to ask for help for stupid reasons.

ADHD is not a silly goofy disorder. ADHD is not "crackhead behavior". ADHD is not *just* a hyperactive little boy.

ADHD is a *disorder*. It makes life difficult to the afflicted with it.

Yes, it can have its perks. I'm really good in fight or flight situations. But because I work at my bed during points of high stress or anxiety, I cannot physically bring myself to do work unless my brain convinces itself that I'm in crisis. And this means for basically anything, unless I am doing a task for someone else.

Please, for the love of my own sanity, if you are going to make someone ADHD and not just hyperactive, also show the less "quirky" parts of it. Show the meltdowns over change, the panics over impulsively you can't control, the "bed rotting" when you want to do homework but physically can't, the disassociating, and the hyperfocus states that make you forget basic needs like food or the bathroom.

My disorder is not a quirky fun character trait or excuse for your high energy. It's a double edged sword that tends to slice its wielder harsher than its foes.

[fagcrush]

it really just seems like tumblr is not an affirming place for you and only makes your mood tank.

I think you would really benefit from a hobby you can do in a physical space with other people. It will do a lot of good for you to get out of the house and be around others rather than stay in a self perpetuating spiral of loneliness at the house. See what sort of events your library hosts etc.

Look into your local community to find others and keep an open mind. Yes its going to be hard and anxiety inducing at first but it gets easier each time you push yourself out of the comfort zone of your home/internet space. Its really hard work but you can do it!

Theres a very limited amount of help complete strangers online can offer, you need to start helping yourself.

Also please don't dismiss this as not offering a solution, because I am an internet stranger taking time out of my day to type this and try to help you. An F/O ask/comment isnt a healthy longterm solution to depression, its a momentary boost in serotonin that is gone almost immediately and only serves to fuel your depression. You have to at a certain point realize that some things you seek only make your issues worse and you need to try other things to help yourself.

I'd love to truly, but the hard part with that is. I don't drive. Like I've wanted to get involved with community stuff, especially theatre, for awhile, but I'm still working on getting my permit and overcoming the STRESS I have around driving. (I can control a car very well, I was almost a natural, but seeing other cards gives me panic attacks that cause me to disassociate).

The bus system here ain't great, shit schedule and buses constantly cancel randomly. Uber is way to expensive for me to regularly take for say. Rehearsals which will probably be almost daily. There isn't even a library on the only accessible bus route (which I have to trek up a hill for and even when I have my cane is difficult) and can I just say that's uh. Infuriating I feel like that should be a thing that is just. Default.

I'm rlly in the situation of suburban life being SO FUCKING UNFRIENDLY if you don't/can't drive. Bc I'd love to get out and do stuff. There's so much stuff I wanna do but I literally can't bc Im at the shitty mercy of so many shitty variables.

And like... Yeah the f/o asks won't cure my depression that's why I'm getting back into therapy. But it would be nice to like. Not have to deal with the 50 hours a week of being home alone + not even having someone to send me just a message online, even a simple one

I'm hoping that now that I have a job again and the hours are pretty good (tho. Opposite of hubby's which is gonna SUCK but not a lot of overnight stuff is hiring rn) I'll be. Better. Its really been the five straight months of being locked in my room that caused. This mess I'm in. I tend to make friends pretty easily at work and from what I've seen of kitchen staff in general working multiple restaurant jobs it's always a fun time w them shskdhd

I do appreciate it I just. God. Trying to find local community when you can't drive and have a shit bus line sucks lol.

[rabbitindisguise]

it's my post and I can make it as long as I want to :3 (it's really long)

hm this might be a weird thought but I wonder how much misinformation has contributed to positive things in society?

a lot of human rights activism is a game of telephone where someone will say something like "I would like to use the restroom" and then someone else is like "my god someone can't even pee in peace why do we even have gender signs" and then it's all "gender signs should be removed!" which is 1) not what they said and 2) very much a part of mob mentality type of deals where everyone is so upset and repeating the worst most ridiculous parts they ping pong around until bigger, more concrete and radicalizingly basic ideas are established

in academia this is often seen as a negative. Like, "no good progress will ever be made until people can communicate perfectly an telepathically and it's only a major con," and not "perhaps an important feature in the ability to mediate social conflict because it's existed long past our attempts to remove it"

but yeah your cause getting picked up by well meaning middle aged white women has, historically, been a wonderful thing in general. Abolitionists, gay rights, suffragettes, etc are all movements that have had significant support in this area. And almost universally, these women tend to badly misunderstand some things and yet those misunderstandings, while they might incite rage in oppressive groups, also tend to rally lots of support by being emotionally gut wrenching.

I think the important part of misinformation is not that it's wrong but what the purpose of the falsehoods are. It IS true that we use gender signs on bathrooms, so while that's not the most pressing concern, why is it such an effective way to stoke resentment towards the kind of person who defends actively attacking trans people? If boiling something down to surface level arguments that barely scratch the surface is not doing due diligence, why does it so often pan out correctly more often on the side of the oppressed than the oppressor?

Words are wonderful and important tools but tbh I wonder if trying to logic our way out of human emotions is not just a fool's errand but actively harmful. One thing important about trauma processing is not just learning to properly identify emotions to wrestle with them, but to learn TO feel. At all. Since PTSD causes irritability, panic, anxiety, restlessness, etc because of repressed emotions, disassociation, and avoidance, I think it's a sign that emotions serve an important and even arguably necessary evolutionary purpose to intelligent thought and sensible action.

We get tired when we need a break, we get happy when good things happen (typically). These cues are important bodymind communication tools and intertwined with lots of chemical reactions and complex psychological responses that control everything from perspiration to metabolic rates to oxygen saturation. When someone says "they're being mean!" and we get angry, that's regarded as purely interpersonal emotion but I think perhaps there is something deeper going on wrt to the social aspects of humans as a species. We talk about hiveminds (literally: bee hives), chemical signals, ultraviolet lights, etc as exotic compared to "rudimentary" human speech. But I think perhaps like gut microbes communicate with human bodies, humans in social groups communicate with the larger social groups. And things like democracy, anarchy, communism, capitalism, etc all fundamentally fail to answer how DO we actually make decisions anyways? Stripped down to the bare essentials, we appoint moderators/diplomats/instructors/skilled professionals into roles to handle disputes or take care of particular tasks.

But like . . . that's weird right? We don't really learn what it means to evaluate someone for something like that. "How do you know that Sam is good at teaching math?" There's nitty gritty How Many Kids Pass or Who Learns What but ultimately we sort of know what we're looking for and often laws and regulations aim to fix things . . . and make them worse sometimes in some aspects. But in addition to that, there's pressures for people to fill roles that they are not suited to fill because there is a huge amount of economic draw so they need to successfully remove people from the group that are interfering by not being good at it, causing risking making it worse to be worth it. So in a sense there's a pressure to self police at a global scale what's difficult to police even in a 1 to 1 interaction. And it's weird that it actually works at all. It means on a 1 to 1 level we have a shakey but effective system to determine who does what and what's in or out of line socially that is being replicated on a global level, with global level errors.

Take like . . . food labels, unions, and banks. People died and got sick when things were improperly labeled "not full of sawdust." When people found out about it there was outcry and regulations happened. Simply knowing was all that it took to get angry and the anger was effective at creating action. With unions on the other hand, disputes are mediated so that it doesn't turn into a shouting match and stuff can get done by sharing the facts, and just by mutual agreement unions will represent workers and not double cross them by lying a bunch. What? Trust, honor, and integrity are the only things standing in line of that, people say stuff like "if this union doesn't stand by their workers they're not a union" and that's like a fallacy or whatever but it's also decreeing what can be true and acceptable through regulating through social force of will. Laws like these are effective from punishments, sure, but what makes punishments effective is the social will to make it so- and shocking someone from touching a button doesn't really have a lot of social impact, even if you tell them it's the button that shocks them. Similarly, banks are methods to hold a currency's value on mutual agreement of value that's agreed upon by an entire country. Gold is typically used as a metric of value behind the dollar, but why did everyone agree gold was valuable?!?!? There has to be some utilitarian purpose- part of it is that it's rare to find, and effective for some status symbols like jewelry worn by people who can afford to pay for people to do luxury labor for them, as well as the value as a metal that is fairly hypoallergenic and can be used for protecting teeth to all sorts of other functional uses. But there's lots of other things that are similarly valuable that aren't globally seen as important (water for example). It doesn't make sense until I reconsider it in the context of humans being a living organism with social instincts, and gold being a tool and not something essential to survival.

On some level, problematic discourse could be considered in the same vein as an algae bloom or a rock slide or a migratory pattern change.

I think ultimately the answer to why misinformation works effectively to hear out oppressed people is that the facts of the matter are irrelevant to the intention of the interaction. The issue of the matter is Not if trans people can use the restroom, it's to draw the gaze of the entire country on the problems faced by an iiiiitty bitty tiny fraction of the population. Using the most inflammatory language possible, even if it's egregiously wrong, increases the attention- it's why trolls are such a big problem. It would also explain outcry, social change, reactionary behavior, and post reactionary behavior cycles. The outcry is the problem, the social change solves some and creates new ones, the reactionary behavior focuses on the problems, and after the reactionary behavior there's a bunch of chaos until Everyone Has Been Briefed on The Issues. Understanding this through the lens of a social group makes sense- individual birds will nest closer to a sunny spot, and others will follow to maintain the protection of being in a group. Cats will share nursing duties between themselves and raise kittens together. Strip away the complaining and infighting that happens, you can see regulations shifting towards informed consent HRT over time, then backswinging to it being outlawed, to a national conversation and protections from people fleeing the punitive laws. I don't think that California and Massachusetts would have such firm stances if they had not hear the (flawed) reasoning of republicans, or the pleas from trans people, or the very angry middle aged white women campaigning for trans rights with things that don't really make a whole lot of sense but are surprisingly effective. There's a huge push and pull across entire countries that looks like a nice flock of birds in the distance or a swarm of bees shifting course or a bunch of fish dodging a shark, if we didn't have to listen to insults and angry back and forth about it. We stare and wonder at ants making anthills and don't stop to think that it's incredible that we have people build houses that we can live in.

All this to say, I'm really curious about the bird discourse that may or may not be happening in light of this realization. Are there ant taxes? Are there ant fines for ant littering?

[erin-bo-berin]

What do you do when you have a panic attack? What does it feel like and how do you feel better?

Well first off, I won’t lie, panic attacks are terrifying and they’re scary. You just feel this impending sense of doom and panic, your heart races so fast, your stomach may hurt/you may feel nauseous, get too hot or have the chills, your chest feels tight and you may feel like you have trouble breathing, some even hyperventilate even though that’s not a symptom I’ve had. Mentally, you just kinda disassociate in a way because you’re so panicked by the attack that it’s hard to focus and keep your mind off of it. Obviously your body is built to have a fight or flight mode, but the problem with a panic attack is that your brain and anxiety make you believe you’re under attack and have a reason to panic when usually it’s only just a trigger of something else. For instance, I tend to get them when I’ve not had enough sleep and I’ve dealt with them when going out because I’ve had so many panic attacks in public I’m always scared to go out because of the fear of having them again—thus causing them. It really is a horrible, vicious cycle.

I was in therapy for a bit a few years ago until it got to be too expensive for sessions that were starting to feel redundant. Basically, in therapy I’ve learned that in a sense you have to re-wire your brain when having a panic attack because the more you think about it, the worse the anxiety/panic attack gets. So if you distract your mind with other things, it kinda gets the message that there’s no reason to panic and it can calm you down. Although it is incredibly difficult because it’s like a panic attack is a big elephant in the room and you’re being told to not think of it, not look at it. That may sound like a weird explanation, but panic attacks are such a strong and uncomfortable sensation that all your body naturally wants to do is panic more.

With that being said, I do several things. I’ll listen to music, focusing with all my might on the lyrics, the music, just anything to get my mind off of it. I’ll pray, I’ll even sometimes make my parents talk to me because if I can even focus on them talking about something it gets me out of my head. One thing I’ve used before that I saw in a Christmas movie when a character was having a panic attack, the doctor told her to list the 12 days of Christmas backwards: 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping and so on. It sounds weird but it keeps the mind focused on something that’s not the out of control feeling of a panic attack. I’ve also heard of people doing things like listing 5 things they see, 4 things they hear, 3 things they can touch, etc as a way to keep the mind occupied.

Sorry for the long explanation, but it can get complicated trying to explain to people who haven’t experienced them and I try to be as descriptive as possible because it’s definitely something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy because it sucks and it’s such a challenge to live with sometimes.

[hellegore]

Greetings, fellow mentally unwell beings. I have come to bless you with knowledge about coping with BPD (borderline personality disorder) symptoms and attacks.

This is how I personally cope with mine, this may not assist your symptoms but I’m hoping it’ll help somewhat. I am in no way qualified, just sharing my experiences and what has helped me.

Let’s start with symptom coping mechanisms tonight:

Anxiety/Panic: Breathe, and control your breathing. Yes, I know, you’ve been told this a lot. But trust me. Box breathing: count to two on each inhale and exhale, holding for one and repeat. Continue until you feel okay. Remember: Anxiety/Panic attacks can cause a feeling of chest tightness and painful breathing. If you are feeling this, it’s okay. I know it’s scary. Breathe shallowly if you need to, but continue to focus on your breathing. The feeling WILL pass. This was by nurse recommendations, while on the phone to a medical advice line.

Overwhelmed/Over Stimulated: I personally have ADHD/ADD so I do become overwhelmed a lot. Some things that always help me with this is a shower (focus on listening to the water, be present in the moment), music (yes, any music you enjoy), and art. Drawing helps me focus on one thing. I’ve found that focussing on a simple task helps a lot to calm my overwhelmed and “noisy” mind. These tasks may include: colouring books, music, comfort YouTubers/movies/shows, sketching, a calm video game, etc.. Find what works for you and have it easily accessible when you need it.

Spacing out/Disassociation/Manic Emotions: Yes, I am aware that these things are violently different, but in my experience they go hand in hand. I usually start to space out and go into “auto-pilot” mode before the disassociation hits me. I tend to become apathetic and very “one task at a time”. An example of this: I need to get water before bed. My friend is in the way, so I snap because they’re in the way of my brain completing this auto-task. My friend and I have worked out that when I do this, they gently mention I’m being blunt/cold, and they give me a set of tasks to do to “bring me back”. Simple tasks like: lay down in bed, put something on to watch, have your meds, get comfy. A way to do this by yourself is a shower or bath. A cold shower/bath snaps your brain into a “present” state. Get in there with your clothes on as well if you want to. This has helped me so much. Something I also do when I have these “Manic Showers/Baths” is I have some intense music playing. Do not submerge your electronic devices in the bath/shower unless stated they are water-proof/resistant. Always be safe!

If these helped you, I’m so happy. Please take care of your health, mental and physical. Consult your doctor if you have ANY concerns.

[i-overanalyze-musicals]

Tuggoffelees Whump Prompts

This is just gonna be a big list of short little prompts because this is what screeches through my brain 24/7. Also, some have been grabbed from my previous prompts, but they fit the theme, so I'm sticking them in this list too. They were gonna be fluffy, but then not all of them came out fluffy, so

- Dramatically sick Tugger

- Misto breaks/sprains an ankle dancing

- One of them gets hypothermia, the other has to take care of them

- Misto overuses his magic

- Misto tries a new brand of magic, but it's painful to use or backfires and hurts him

- Misto escapes/is rescued from Macavity and is reunited with a very worried and emotional Tugger who has to sit by while Jenny tends to his wounds

- Tugger and Misto fight Macavity, and both have to be taken to Jenny after Macavity escapes (they hold hands while getting treated 🥺)

- Misto having nightmares of Tugger being injured

- Misto having nightmares of Macavity in general

- Tugger having nightmares of Misto being injured

- Tugger having nightmares of Macavity in general

- Tugger having nightmares of becoming like Grizabella, in a sort of jittery stop-motion vibe of him aging, being pulled away from the others, and essentially haunting the streets as Grizabella once did

- Misto dancing too much

- Tugger has a panic attack

- Tugger having separation anxiety after Grizabella and Macavity

- One of them singing the ill other to sleep

- One gets kidnapped by Macavity (probably misto tbh) and neither of them think they'll see the other again, but eventually, they do

- Mistoffelees having trauma from being tortured by Macavity

- Misto gets lost in the woods, and it gets really cold at night. When Tugger finds him, he's hypothermic and barely alive

- Mistoffelees healing from torture wounds and Tugger learning more and more of what Macavity did

- pollicle attack

- Macavity muzzling Misto and later, Tugger removing it

Here are some dragged from my previous posts:

Macavity kidnaps Mistoffelees. When he’s found, he’s so despondent it’s almost as if he’s just a body. This sends Tugger into a panic, and Misto is sent to Coricopat and Tantomile.

Has he severely disassociated as a trauma response, or is this something magical done by Macavity?

If its disassociation, what did Macavity do to make him like this and how does everybody respond/help him?

If it’s magic, how will it be fixed? Can it be fixed?

------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw this whump prompt (it was by @whump-galaxy). It was "The caretaker has to break the whumpee out of their dreams of paradise before they destroy themselves." And in the tags, he said it could be something like in the Gravity Falls finale.

Anyway, all that made me think, what if Cryptid Misto, in a panic because he messed something up magically, or because he's freaking out about how he looks, creates a sort of paradise? Or maybe Macavity locks him in there, sort of like Bill did to Mabel in Gravity Falls.

In this paradise, he'd look more "normal," like 1998 Misto, and he wouldn't have any concerns about his appearance or worth. Maybe no one in the junkyard stares at him oddly (whether this actually happens irl or is just something he's worried about.)

Tugger has to get him out/convince him to leave before things get even worse and tell him he should be happy, that he's loved, and that everything's going to be okay.

[ifthearmorfitsarchived]

Things a new RP partner should know about me

Fun new meme here! Write 3-5 things a new rp partner (or those who want to be) should know about you and tag 3-5 people! It should be related to rp and not to other interests. (Also don’t write you are a dork/gremlin/etc. This is tumblr, of course you are.)

Repost, don’t reblog please. 

 I’m a pretty chill guy and for the most part, I’m open to relatively anything RP wise. As long as it’s okay with you, 10 / 10 it’s probably going to be okay with me as well. The most important thing is communication however, so if something does bug you or I need to back off of something, tag something, then you need to tell me. I am not a mind reader. You not telling me isn’t going to solve the issue and in fact will probably escalate it to a point where it could have been avoided if you had just told me from the get-go. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

I suffer from severe Social Anxiety as I’ve stated many times on this blog and on my others, so talking to others or approaching them is not my strong suit, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to RP with you or even not talk to you. It’s just a challenge to do so most of the time, especially since I get overwhelmed rather easily to the point where I either emotionally shut down (aka disassociate), have anxiety attacks, or get physically sick. Please don’t let this stop you from speaking to me or wanting to plot with me. For the most part, I am pretty chill and nice besides this one factor. I try my best to warn others when I do get to that point when I begin to feel overwhelmed, but sometimes I do have a tendency to snap (mostly because of my other mental disorders...). I rarely do this though because I don’t like to upset other people.

I tend to RP relatively fast and sometimes in length, merely because that’s just how I am. Sometimes that isn’t always the case, but for the most part that is how I am. I don’t expect you to match my length nor do I expect you to be fast in your replies either. As long as I can get something from your reply, then that’s good enough for me. I also want you to take your time, so please.. never rush yourself. Reply to our thread when you feel like it, okay? I understand that life ALWAYS comes first and that you may have things come up that may need attending to. I also understand that sometimes the muse isn’t always there or perhaps you’re feeling the muse for another thread, but maybe not for ours at the moment. This is more than fine with me. Hell if you need to drop our thread, then go ahead and do so.. Just give me a heads up. I won’t be mad. If anything, I’ll understand, and perhaps we can try something else.

My ask / submit boxes are always open, so if you want to send me something, whether it’s an ask or an IC comment or whatever, feel free to do so. As long as you don’t go overboard, then most likely I’ll get to them in due time.

I should probably mention this somewhere, but I get massively uncomfortable RPing with people that RP the same muse as I do... and it’s for silly reasons really. Mostly it stems from prior RP experiences in the past where I’ve accidentally overshadowed someone else who was playing the same muse as me even though that was never my intention. I had people hating me and sending me awful things about it, telling me I should give them attention or hell, to leave even. This is perhaps why I get anxiety about certain things and have trouble interacting with others sometimes.. Merely because I don’t want to interject and step on anyone toes. I want everyone to have a good time and enjoy themselves. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they’ve been replaced or they’re being overlooked. This is why I’ll try my best not to ‘grab’ too much attention, so to speak.. I guess. I don’t know. It’s very confusing and hard to talk about really.

[elegant-etienne]

Rosy Touch, Amethyst Terrors, Brickwork Shadows!

Stonework headcanons!

Thank you for the ask, @sharlayanwanderer!

Plopping this behind a cut because it’s long and contains backstory spoilers for some of my characters!

Rosy Fog: What are their immediate views on romantic love?

Etienne: Immediately listening to Garbage - I Hate Love on blast on their headphones at work while they finish paperwork. Seriously, though -- they claim to be a passionate romantic at heart, but currently they’re pretty cynical about it and don’t know if they have room in their life for it. The Romance ability is currently on CD.

Adi: Avoids thinking about it, despite being in a long-term relationship.

Kadin: Love is good, sex is good, you can have one without the other and vice-versa, it’s only complicated if you’re emotionally constipated.

Houmei: Wow, this thing that I’ve heard exists and seen other people doing sure seems great. What, you mean I could do it? Ha ha, maybe someday!

Amethyst Terrors: Are their nights plagued with past memories or nightmares in general? What do they usually entail if so?

Etienne: Tends to reexperience their trauma in the form of dreams and body memories that are disturbing, but not usually direct 1-1 memory of what they lived through. To plug my own writing, I’m really fond of this piece. (Warning for gore.) Occasionally they will have more cogent flashback dreams if something triggers them, such as being reminded of the wyvern attack on the Brume and then having a nightmare about it. Dreams of a king beneath the ground, and a sword. Had lucid dreams they shared with Adi when they were both young, but has forgotten them or blocked them out.

Adi: Has vivid nightmares of his father as a monster and sometimes wakes in a cold sweat. Dreams of a king beneath the ground, and a sword, but he actually knows why. Recalls he shared lucid dreams with Etienne, but has realized that Etienne does not remember.

Kadin: Compared to the rest, he sleeps really easily. He might have the occasional nightmare if he’s triggered by his trauma during the day, but currently, happily, lives a life where that’s rarely an issue.

Houmei: Spent the last year or so plagued by flashbacks and night terrors that he barely left the clinic, but it’s still all very jumbled for him and he doesn’t really know what’s a dream or what’s real. He has nightmares about being medically experimented on by Garleans, and scenes of war. He also has very vivid dreams about sea creatures, especially jellyfish, as well as things that can only be described as deep-sea horrors, but even though the description of them sounds quite disturbing, he finds these dreams peaceful and calming.

Brickwork Shadows: Is your muse good with their hands, or do they tend to be fairly clumsy?

Etienne: Trained to do tea service as a butler apprentice at one point in their life, and they’ve carried that on through their life, including when they trained at the Ossuary and helped with their funerary services. They have a steady hand - they’d say their proudest of how this shows in their makeup work.

Adi: Tends to be very straightforward with his movements, as he’s not really used to caring whether he’s being observed, but he’s careful with patients. He can have issues with extreme weakness and his hands shaking, and he has terrible anxiety when handling anything even vaguely resembling a weapon.

Kadin: Tends to think of movements as “what do I want to achieve” and has a very wild fighting style. However, he can do the precise work to survive in the wild without any issues, such as dressing a carcass, so it’s really more about getting things done in the least amount of movement.

Houmei: Has spent a fair amount of time recovering from unknown stretches of time where his body was pushed past its physical limits, but now that he’s close to physically well, he’s found that he has sharp reflexes, and actually tends to react to things before he even realizes he’s doing it. On days he’s feeling foggier he can somewhat feel like he’s having a hard time steering his body, and struggles with disassociation, and in those cases he’s fairly clumsy.

[devillainsarchive]

🐾 meta;

Carlos and his mental state and disabilities (this is the best way i could think to phrase it). These are present in all my verses unless stated otherwise (like my mr robot verse where he has dissociative identity disorder).

I want to be very clear, this post will only graze the surface of deeper issues. I am also putting a majority of this post under a read more due to the some of the more sensitive topics, and I don’t desire to trigger anyone.

I want to also say, making this post has made me extremely nervous. As I don’t want to portray things incorrectly, or wrong. I am always learning, and striving to reduce the stigma and glorification of these things.

Additionally, this things are not plot points for Carlos. I will never use them to make his story more sad or more upsetting. I am not here to have them be a shock value. With writing about these things most of my nerves regarding this post that I have put off for months is the backlash I will get. If you want to talk to me about anything I say in this post, I ask you do it off anon.

Finally this post is not going to be addressing Carlos intelligence (ie his IQ score and how he is a prodigy where schooling is concerned). Certainly some of these things can feed into that. But his intelligence is something that deserves its own post.

Short list: things Carlos has (diagnosed and diagnosed)

Asperger’s

PTSD and C-PTSD

Anxiety

Depression

Schizophrenia

OCD

Insomnia

This is the longer list, essentially I go a bit into detail about each thing on the short list, explain my reasoning behind him having each thing, where I pull from canon to get the reasoning, a bit about the manifestations of each thing for Carlos. There will be cross over, so I may repeat myself on occasion.

Asperger’s (Asperger Syndrome)

Carlos’ Asperger’s is evident when you know the signs. Carlos struggles to pick on basic social cues. He certainly gets better and learns more when he is older. But as a young child, and especially all his time on the Isle, and when he first lives in Auradon. One of the most evident signs of this is that he will talk about things he likes typically mechanics and wires and machines without stopping to care about what his listener thinks about it. In Auradon he learns to stop himself from getting to far, and he always feels bad about it after. He cherishes people that let him talk.

Carlos is not loud, but he certainly has a wide vocabulary. While this is not incredibly evident, his annoyance with Reza’s vocabulary could lead to he knows what all those words mean. Carlos just knows how to use them in natural conversation. He does not understand normal jokes or humor, and it takes him a few moments to get a joke. In Auradon he gets better with those social queues, and learns how and when people are trying to be funny. Carlos may laugh but that does not mean he gets the joke. He also may not understand when he is telling a joke. This does not mean that Carlos can’t laugh or doesn’t know when to laugh, he laughs easily with Jay, and probably for a very long time Jay is the only one who can get a genuine laugh out of him.

Carlos’ is very aware of his surroundings. He notices small changes in things, and often changes in thins will bug him, and make him upset. He hyper-fixates this primarily on his desk in Auradon, and his desk in the hideout on the Isle, and the treehouse in the backyard of Hell Hall on the Isle. He knows immediately when things are wrong with it. This applies also to people around him, sudden movements, but for the most part Carlos associates that with always having to be on alert for his mother. His own interactions with people may seem odd, he may ignore them or seem rude, but he doesn’t mean it. This is where part of that callous demeanor comes from, but he is much better at turning that off and on than people realize.

Carlos also has his hobbies that he talks forever about, that he will ignore people for. This hobby is science and mechanics, and computers. He also enjoys binary code, and Morse code. One prime example of this is when he first ignores Evie when she meets him officially for the first time. He is focusing on building the machine that pierces a hole in the barrier. He essentially ignores Evie, until she makes a comment about the machine to help him make it work. Another example of this is from D1 where he is playing the video game. One other example is the fact that he has the period table of elements memorized this comes up as a way to calm himself down, when he is aware enough to calm himself down.

Last but not least Carlos has a serious aversion to touch. This plays into so many other things about him, and many things you will see on the list. Carlos does not like being touched. And touching him when its uninvited could lead to a various range of results.

PTSD

Carlos PTSD mainly manifests itself in the forms of flashbacks, and nightmares, and panic attacks. His PTSD is caused by his mother’s treatment of his as a child. His mother’s treatment of him, wont be discussed in great detail here, but it is traumatic for him. In short he was not loved or cared for. He had to do so much on his own, on top of his mother ordering him about. She burned him with butts of cigarettes, threw things at him, and treated him like a dog to the point of Evie thinking he was a dog because she could hear it. Dog jokes on the isle about him run rampant.

His triggers on the Isle, he doesn’t really care about. He still is in the situation constantly, so he doesn’t really pay attention. In general, and one he has control of, is the various dog nick names. He will get a bit volatile about being called dog names. Other triggers mainly include heals clacking, smoke, dogs (all dogs, and then just big dogs as he gets to know Dude), and touch particularly touch of his hair. These are his biggest triggers, and they are not his only ones. They also don’t always set him off. He has it all much more under control than he thinks he does. He is good at self regulating his panic attacks and knows when they come on. Flashbacks are his rarest form of manifestation. They are not always full on vivid images of things, but he often gets an overwhelming smell of his mother, and Hell Hall. Nightmares are his most common manifestation. He struggles to sleep, but when he does 6 nights out of 7 he will have a nightmare. He does his best to thoroughly exhaust himself before he sleeps in order to not have nightmares (and to not disturb people, namely Jay). They mainly manifest in Auradon.

His PTSD can get very bad, especially when he has a full flashback. His full flashbacks are generally brought about when he thinks he is being threatened. They come mostly from fear of being touched, mainly if he thinks someone is going to strike him, or if someone is yelling at him. He has full flashbacks very very rarely, but he has had them. One of the most prominent times he has had one is on Parents day when Audrey’s grandmother, and Chad yelled at Mal, Evie, and Jay.

Carlos has both PTSD and C-PTSD. There are certain events from Carlos’ childhood that cause PTSD, but the ongoing abuse he suffered is what gives him C-PTSD. PTSD includes reliving the trauma through nightmares ( referenced vividly in book 4 ) and flashbacks both of which Carlos experiences. He avoids situations, and when he can’t he either disassociates or runs such as with Parent’s Day when Queen Leah’s yelling makes him dissociate. His fear of dogs stems from his PTSD, as well as his hyper awareness of the world around him (though this hyper awareness is also brought on for other reasons). Some of his triggers cause somatic symptoms, as shown above.

Carlos’ C-PTSD is evident in both the books and the movies. From lack of emotional regulation (him yelling at his mom in D1), to dissociation his response to Jane in D3 where he forgets seemingly that his mother abused him. Carlos shows many signs for C-PTSD. He has the most control over his emotions almost to the point where he can come of as emotionless ( “they say I’m callous” ). Carlos has a negative view of himself, but don’t expect him to say that. His mother’s comments towards him made it such so that he feels different, not to mention how utterly embarrassed he is of his handwriting because he taught himself how to write. Carlos’ inability to form good relationships with people, especially outside of the Core4 is not only a symptom of C-PTSD but also something that is part of asperger’s. However its a fine line because the type of people he is typically attracted to, tend to have power over him. Its a delicate line that both parties have to walk.

Carlos’ perception of his mother is his biggest sign that he has C-PTSD. He loves her. He loves her to the point that he will defend her. He knows she doesn’t love him, this is his plot of book 1 essentially. But that does not change his feelings towards her. He has a desire to make her proud, even at the cost of his own morals. Carlos loves Cruella unconditionally even though he shouldn’t, and its unhealthy. He also fears her, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love her. His fear of her causes physical reactions in him from shaking, as seen in book one, to nearly becoming a different person, a main reason he doesn’t want Dude on the Isle in D2.

Carlos doesn’t really exhibit loss of systems, mainly because his only real connection with religion is that his dad is Jewish. However, in my writing, he does often think about how stupid it is to have hope, so that would fit in well there.

Overall Carlos has both. There are specific child hood events that give him PTSD, but the abuse over the years is what gives him C-PTSD, and yes one can have both.

This is not diagnosed.

Anxiety

Carlos’ has anxiety, mainly severe social anxiety. Carlos does not do well in big crowds, or social situations. He has the constant thought that he is annoying people or bugging them. He may want to approach someone, but actually doing it is incredibly taxing on him, and he panics.

Social situations in general make his heart rate go up. Carlos has panic attacks from this. These are the ones that he can barely control, if at all. They come on fast, and often Carlos gets no real warning for them mainly because he doesn’t always know what triggers them.

This is also not diagnosed, but it does stem from Cruella’s treatment. He is always on edge around her, and worried and nervous about how she feels about him. This extends to every person he knows and meets. This extends to his friends. He is always worried about them, and how they view him. He is waiting often for their guidance to tell  him what to do, even if he knows what he needs to do. He likes orders.

Additionally his mind is constantly going a million miles a minute. He often has different things processing and going on at the same time. But worries are most of those. These worries keep him up at night, and actually add to his insomnia.

His anxiety is potentially the least worrying thing for Carlos though. It has been ingrained in him so long to be on edge, that that is all he views it as.

Depression

Carlos’ depression is the must fuzzy of all the things he is diagnosed with. It is definitely the hardest to pin down. And it is one of the things that Carlos does his best to ignore. He has other things going on his mind, if he wants to lay in bed, he has things going on telling him he can’t. Something needs to be cleaned, something needs to be done, his mother is telling him to get up.

Something that links into his depression is his view of his body. Carlos is incredibly self conscious. He has multiple scars that are from cigarettes, or chemical burns. He has cuts, and scrapes that have scared over. He also has his freckles which are a love hate relationship with. His mother found it the one good thing about him since he was born with spots unlike puppies, but for a while it made him resent them. However due to his unique relationship with his mom, he likes his freckles because he knows that since he has them his mom has the chance to love him.

Carlos’ view of his own body being malnourished, and that his growth is stunted, among other things is skewed. He doesn’t like people seeing his body. Sometimes seeing his body makes him uncomfortable with himself, or he just loses all motivation he had. It can be incredibly debilitating. It is often the thing that gets him down the most, and makes his days the hardest to get through.

Schizophrenia

Carlos’ schizophrenia began to manifest itself when he was around the age of 10. He has no idea what it is. It is gentic, and he did get it from Cruella (this is based primarily on Descendants Cruella, and Disney’s live action and animated Cruella).

Carlos’ main symptoms for this are hallucinations, delusions, unusual ways of thinking, agitated body movements, reduced expression of emotion, reduced speaking, and poor executive function. He may exhibit more, but these are the most common. On the daily he typically experiences auditory or visual hallucinations that are vivid and often seem real to him. It his strongest symptom. He explains as he does in D2 where he hears Cruella’s voice in his head. She often talks to him telling him that he is worthless and useless, or she will give him orders. Disobeying the orders is hard, and sometimes he feels that he has no control over his body as he obeys whatever order his mother told him.

Carlos also often known to have delusions, and when he is having an episode he likely wont make sense. He will behave opposite to how he is commonly known (so how Auradonians view him), but he will also be opposite to how the Core 4, and friends who actually know him are. One way to confirm that he is potentially relapsing is that he will respond to the vivid hallucinations.

Often the best way to get him to come back to reality, and get him past the episode is to initiate contact with him, because that is the best way to ground him. Its not an easy feat since he doesn’t like being touched. And he will likely lash out when people try to touch him.

Aside from hearing his mother’s voice, he may feel her arms around him and she could be stroking his hair. His protection of her is often what makes him lash out at people who come near when this happens. Carlos seems almost relaxed when this happens, in a way he never is, his eyes close and it looks like he is experiencing something euphoric, he has this look in D1 when his mother is petting his hair in Maleficent’s home before they head to Auradon.

However, his most common system is the auditory hallucinations, and he rarely talks about them even with his friends. This is also not diagnosed because of his refusal to admit that he is crazy like his mom. He does not want to be like her, and he knows that having it could potentially get him sent back to the Isle. He doesn’t necessarily like when people say he isn’t like his mother, because he knows its a load of bull.

OCD

Carlos has OCD, it goes beyond his need for things to be perfect and meticulous something that was ingrained into him by his mother. Carlos has a few very small ticks. He does things in 10s, or in 101s. For example Carlos will wash his hands for 101 seconds, or will brush his teeth for 101 seconds. He will eat food in ten bites, not a whole meal but each seperate piece of food he eats will be done in 10 bites. This leads to him being a bit of a messy eater, but don’t worry he has 10 napkins for that issue exactly. If he used a clickable pen he would have to click the pen 10 times before he will use it. Often when panicking he counts to 10 to help him breathe. 101s are meant for longer tasks, his brain automatically sorts things like that. His worst infraction of this is going up stairs, if a stair case does not have 101 steps, which most of them don’t, he will calculate what he needs to get to those steps. If a staircase has more than that, he will start the 101 over, and calculate how to get to that number like he would with a regular stair case. It is the hardest tick to hide, in his opinion.

This is not diagnosed.

Insomnia

Carlos has severe insomnia, it is added to by a few things, such as his anxiety and PTSD. It is not dependent on those things. Carlos’ mind just does not shut off. In order to get a good night’s sleep he has to be pretty much exhausted. It became much more apparent in Auradon than on the Isle. It did exist on the Isle. Often being coaxed into sleep helps too, and that typically includes friends helping him sleep, this can be seen more so in my own writing. However I do pull him having insomnia from the scene in D1 where he is shifting on his bed awake, granted all the kids are awake, but his just feels different to me.

As with everything else on the list this is not diagnosed, but it is one of the few things Carlos is fairly comfortable self diagnosing himself with.

In general, the numerous things he deals with that affect his life day to day, when he is diagnosed and does talk about them, are the reason he is eligible for a service dog, and why he gets a service dog. Granted he has to over come his fear of dogs first, but its the baby steps. Medicine is not exactly an option for Carlos because he is so scared of the side affects of many of them Not to mention he kind of refuses to take it. Agreeing to having a service dog is a good compromise for now. But doctors ideally want him on medication to further improve his life. He does not get a service dog til he is essentially an adult in most of my verses.

[mybipolar-coaster]

An Introduction

I would like to say it was an easy decision to write down my experiences thus far in life but that would be a lie. I don’t really consider myself an interesting person. As a matter of fact, I consider myself rather boring. I like boring things like history and science. I studied statistics in university. I’ve led what I would consider an amazingly average life. That is, until late last year when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder, or as those in the states would call it, Bipolar I. Since then, so many things in my life have clicked into place. Things that had always seemed unusual now had a reason behind them, a cause. I had something I could point to and say, “that’s why”. Since being diagnosed I have found an entire community online of people both living with the disorder and coping with the fallout of it. I have also had my own share of trials and ordeals to deal with since my diagnosis, but that’s getting ahead of myself a bit. First, let me explain what it was that finally made me commit to writing this blog. I am currently waiting for the right opportunity to ask the girl I have been dating for the past 10 years to marry me. I have the ring. I know the when, I know the where. The how is still slightly eluding me but I think a small amount of improvisation on that front won’t hurt. This is what made me want to write this blog. I wanted to detail my feelings leading up to asking the question. I hope to portray the excitement and nerves leading up to the moment of truth so that afterwards I can get my (hopefully) fiancée to read back and see how much thought, work and planning went into this and how much I love her. But then I thought, “hey, why stop there”? I could keep the blog going afterwards, talk about ordinary, every-day things. Perhaps even give people an insight into how I live with my condition and how it affects those around me. I have always been a creative person and I enjoy writing, so maybe this could be a new hobby for me. I certainly hope so. So, this will be the first post in a hopefully ongoing series of blog posts. However, in the off chance that my girlfriend does happen to stumble upon this blog, I will be operating under strict anonymity for the time being. I won’t say my name, or the name of anyone that could be used to identify me in these blogs, at least until after I’ve popped the question, but everything else within will be true. I think an ideal first post then, would be for me to give a quick recap of my life so far, and give you the reader an introduction to my life and how my messed-up brain works. I hope you enjoy!

I was born in the UK in the early 90’s (trying to be vague) into a working-class family. My dad worked as an electrician in a dog-food factory and my mum volunteered as a cook in a nursing home. My parents were quite old when they had me, so there is a large age gap between me and the rest of my family. In fact, when I was born both of my older brothers were teenagers. My mum says that one of my brothers refused to talk to her or my dad for a year after they told him they were pregnant because he was so disgusted that they were still having sex “at their age”. Having an older family definitely has its advantages though. When I was young, all my siblings had jobs, so I got four times the amount of presents that most other kids got. I should point out that I also have a sister, who is the closest in age to me. Growing up, me and my sister got on like oil and water. I’m surprised my mum managed to survive through my early years – in the same year my sister turned sixteen I was going through my “terrible twos”. I have always been a mummy’s boy. Even now that I’m in my 20’s, I get on great with my mum and have a good relationship with her. I bring up my mum because she was my first ever contact with mental illnesses. My mum had panic attacks and generalised anxiety when I was younger. I have multiple memories of us being somewhere and my mum suddenly bursting into floods of tears, sometimes running away, and my dad having to track her down and console her. It was an incredibly scary experience as a child but, to my mum’s credit, she did a great job of explaining things as she calmed down. She would tell me it wasn’t anyone’s fault, that it was something that was medically wrong with her like being sick and that I shouldn’t blame myself for her attacks. Her explanations were pivotal in my understanding of mental illnesses and my dad’s behaviour during these attacks served as an example to me for the rest of my life on how to deal with a crisis situation.

Even far back in my childhood, symptoms of my bipolar were there. It was subtle, but there were things about me that made me different from other kids. I could be morose or have fits of worry every now and then. I would worry about dying, or someone in my family being hurt. I was very young when I realised that, because there was such a big age gap between me and the rest of my family, I was most likely going to have to watch my whole family die. I’d have to attend their funerals, possibly give speeches, and then I’d be left alone at the end. This terrified me as a child and even now it still serves as a strange sort of morbid obsession during my low days. For instance, I have the speech I will give at my father’s funeral memorised and have done for quite some time. My dad isn’t even ill and shows no signs of kicking the bucket anytime soon, but it plays in my head so often that I’ll be prepared for when that day comes. In fact, I’ll be prepared in more ways than one. Ever since I was a child, I have been experiencing a symptom of bipolar affective disorder that I didn’t even realise was unusual until I was diagnosed. I spent my entire life thinking everyone got this at certain points in their lives and it was only after a conversation with my girlfriend where she pointed out that this wasn’t normal that I went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed. This symptom is called Disassociation. Disassociation can happen multiple ways, but it always affects me the same way. During moments of crisis, moments of importance or sometimes when I feel I am in a place of some significance, I feel as if I leave my body and allow another entity to control it. That sounds far more sinister than what it actually feels like so let me try and explain it as best I can. Most people experience going on autopilot, where their mind switches off and they continue to do some monotonous or repetitive task. My Disassociation feels a bit like that. The entity that takes over my body is my autopilot. He will do what I would want to do anyway. He doesn’t have his own needs or wants. He just does. I, on the other hand, leave my body. I picture it like that episode of Tom & Jerry where Tom accidentally kills himself with a falling piano while chasing Jerry. His soul leaves his body and rises up to cat heaven only to not be allowed in because he’s been so mean to Jerry. Well my “soul” (I don’t believe in a soul so the more fitting term here would probably be id) leaves me in the same way and floats, just above and behind me, and observes. I feel like I am acting like a documentarian in these moments. Like a wildlife cameraman observing the animal he has been tracking for years being eaten by a predator – I am totally detached. I’m there to watch, not to influence. Sometimes I think maybe I’m me in the future, remembering this event and not actually the present me at all. Does this make sense? It’s a very strange sensation and, from what I gather, kind of unique to me so I really struggle to explain it to other people. My girlfriend thinks she can sometimes tell when I’m disassociating though. She says I become wide-eyed and emotionless, talking in a monotone. This might be true, but she has only been able to correctly identify when I’m disassociating twice in the entire time I’ve known her so it might just be they were particularly noticeable incidents.

Of course, the other big symptom of Bipolar Affective Disorder is the mood cycles. When I was younger, my cycles were generally rather enjoyable but as I have gotten older, they have gotten less enjoyable and more something to be monitored and observed. Before I go any further into how my cycle affects me, I feel I should spend a bit of time explaining the cycle as a lot of people don’t really get the Bipolar cycle and there is a lot of misinformation in the media. To put it in the simplest terms, lets imagine a scale from 0 to 10. Now if you are a neurotypical, normal person, I want you to imagine the happiest you have ever been. Then I want you to imagine the saddest you’ve ever been. Now if I was to say to you that 0 is the worst and 10 is the best, where would you put those memories? Probably 0 and 10, right? Well, in terms of measuring bipolar moods, we tend to use the 0 to 10 scale as well but ours is a bit different. When you get down to 0, there should be extreme hopelessness. Either you haven’t moved for extended periods, haven’t eaten and most likely have self-harmed, tried to commit suicide or have at least given it serious thought. Now your 0 may hit a lot of those same notes. You may have considered killing yourself after the death of a close loved one or a life event that hit you particularly hard. Once again, I want you to think back to that worst moment in your life. Now what if I said you’d feel that way every few months. You feel like that, not because something has happened or because you lost something but because it’s September. It’s just that time again. Now let’s go to the other side of the spectrum. This one is a little trickier because it involves more than just emotion, it involves energy levels and sanity levels. This is an important thing to bear in mind with bipolar. If you’re a normal person, your 10 is the happiest you’ve ever been in your life. If you’re bipolar, you’re 10 is the furthest from reality you’ve ever been in your life. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes mania can feel great but sometimes it can feel like hell. A 10 on the bipolar scale can involve hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, an insane amount of energy that absolutely must be excised, a manic state and way of speaking and a lack of need to sleep. Seriously, while manic I can sleep for as little as 2 hours in a 48-hour period and feel absolutely fine. The only upside to a manic state is that it can sometimes feel really good and all that energy helps you get through a lot of work if you can keep focused. You also tend to get a burst of creativity while manic which can help with business projects, artistic creations or even writing the first post for a new blog!

I think I’ll leave it here for my first blog post, I’ve explained a little about myself and why I wanted to start this blog, but mostly rambled in my scatter-brained way about my bipolar disorder. I think I’ve put enough words down for today and I’ll pick up on this tomorrow. I promise I will get into more of the general diary keeping and talking about the proposal, but I feel it is important to get this bipolar stuff explained first so that you know what lens I look at the world through before I start telling you what I can see. And if you’re reading this, I love you Gorgeous!

-B

[azuresins]

My therapy appointment went pretty well, I was surprised she gave me a diagnosis right away, but I know it’s probably to be expected. I was given some ‘homework’ to do, for the next two weeks. If anyone finds this useful, I’m going to explain what I went through without talking too much about my personal stuff.  

It’s textbook CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), but everyone starts somewhere. It’s what I was looking for to help me achieve my goals and forward my progress. I thought I’d just.. put this out here and share my experience because -- I mean. It’s free.  I was given some options on how best to tackle the anxiety / panic I deal with daily - the option I didn’t choose, was more aligned with meditation and calming techniques which I already do, and sadly, do not help me because I tend to disassociate right through them and become stagnant. Me not-doing-stuff, is part of my problem. Sometimes it makes me feel worse, if I’m not careful, or feeling the correct kind of anxiety.  One thing I personally struggle with, is being wholly present. I’m a silent sufferer. I have anxiety attacks without people knowing I’m having them; I go on auto-pilot and live life about half-way in. And I hate it. I hate that I do that.  So, I went for another option. For the next two weeks, I’ve been asked to daily chronicle the following: ~the one ‘big’ stressful situation or event of the day ~The feelings that event gave me (anxiety, sadness, ect) ~The immediate thoughts that pop into my head following those feelings ~My behavior-- what I did as a result of those thoughts  I was also given some worksheets to help me identify the toxic, distorted thoughts I experience. This exercise is meant to put some perspective on anxiety and how it affects you. By identifying the irrational and distorted thoughts you experience, you can more easily connect with how they affect your behavior. It sounds so simple, but I was... very surprised when I gave her an example of what stressed me out yesterday, and how negative my mind went-- How badly it colored my evening, once anxiety take hold of me.  With effort, you can start to break the cycle anxiety puts you in. You can not immediately change your initial feelings, but you can start to alter your thoughts, by first being mindful of them and aware that they are distorted. You can change your behavior so depressive thoughts don’t follow, again, breaking a cycle.  I was also given a worksheet with ten techniques on how to untwist these ways of thinking, as they come. I’ve seen similar posts/worksheets posted before and was aware they existed, but the thing is... I rarely thought that I was the one needing them. Not until I started applying it to my specific situations-- ones I struggle with daily. Sometimes the past is so distracting you forget about what you can do to improve the present.  If anyone is curious about the worksheets shoot me an ask or dm me, I don’t mind. I just wanted to get this down now that I’m home and well-rested. I feel hopeful. 

[catnizeverdeen]

Another Useful Comment I Saw On Youtube Once

Here. I'd just want to add that you should be careful, especially if you're a beginner. He alludes to it a little here, but it is more explicit in some of his books and from other writers on mindfulness. Having a practice of mindfulness over time increases the strength of mindfulness. Having support from others also helps it. 

In a lot of ways, having a regular practice is training for other times. When you're in the middle of powerful emotions, it is hard to remember to be mindful, and even if you do remember and try to be mindful, you might get stuck in your own head with negative thoughts or disassociating. We have patterns built up in our minds from over the years, and it isn't easily changed.

But by building up the strength of your mindfulness, you're more likely to notice early signs of emotional storms as they're starting and be more likely to be able to intervene and cut things off before it gets worse. You're also able to handle stronger emotions in general. Until you get to that point, it still may be safer to distract yourself and come back to it later.

As an aside, it's been interesting for me to see how the brain can feed negative emotions and keep them going. You feel anxious and are likely to think anxious thoughts and even fall into imagining bad scenarios in minute detail that haven't even happened yet and probably won't. 

But if you start to notice what is happening, you may still have thoughts but don't get as sucked into the thoughts. Or you notice you're imagining something. You go back to noticing your breathing and noticing the emotion itself. I can say "I'm feeling anxious". It's an uncomfortable feeling to sit with, but just by noticing it and calling it what it is, it has less power. Maybe an anxious thought comes up and it's like "hey.. there's an anxious thought.. that makes sense since I'm feeling anxious". Believing the anxious thoughts and getting lost in an anxious fantasy increases the anxiety, giving it strength. Without that, it tends to dissipate on its own a lot faster than it would have otherwise.

That little bit of distance from the feeling and your thoughts also makes self-compassion easier. We're often compassionate to other people in a way that we aren't to ourselves. If a friend was having a panic attack, we'd give them a hug and try to help them through it. But if it is us, we may get frustrated and even angry at ourselves. With mindfulness, you get more used to noticing things without judging them. So when you go "I'm feeling anxious", it tends to be more a statement of fact than a judgment. So it is easier for that part of yourself that's observing to instead feel compassion for yourself for going through this negative emotion.

None of this stuff is easy and takes work. It's a process that you can improve at over time. There are some self-help people out there that kind of pervert these ideas to just blame the victim for their own pain. It may be true in a literal sense that our own minds and reactions to things cause us a lot of pain that isn't necessary, but that doesn't mean it is easy to change that, or that someone has the right tools to do it. We always need compassion for other people for where they are in their journey, and for ourselves in the same way.

[radioactive-tiefling]

hwat if i asked you to do all 50 for Xenoc would that be too many for you friend

Never too many questions my good bitch!! Thank u wes ilyUnder a cut because 1. It’s really long 2. A lot of possible triggers (violence, suicide mention, abuse, etc.) and 3. BIG SPOILERS for anyone playing in this campaign. Y’all know who you are.1. What is one word to shut them up?

Their name (or almost anything) said in a certain tone of voice. Anything similar to how their father and higher-ups in the organization issued orders.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

They tend to breeze by guilt even when they should feel bad about something, but the one thing they’ve never gotten over is leaving their only friend in the compound alone when she was in pain, afraid, and in the midst of drug withdrawal. They didn’t know what to do so they left her alone, and found out the next day she’d overdosed. It’s the only thing they feel guilt about, and they now try to never let someone who’s upset be alone because they’re afraid they’ll never see them again.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

Physically and mentally, the withdrawal they experienced after leaving the compound. It was a different type of pain than the beatings or brands they’d received before, and the novelty made it all the worse, especially since they were only 13 at the time.

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

(I want to take this one literally cause it’s fun.) Their nightmares are usually very abstract and blurred, and they never remember them when they wake up, although they often wake up from nightmares in a panic attack or disassociating. This probably comes from how young they were (and still are) when their traumas occurred, and the fact that they’re repressing most of the memories. They literally fought a nightmare monster with the party that forced them to see their parents and their father about to beat them, and now that scene is the one thing they remember from any nightmares they’ve had since. They hate the monster that did it more and more every time it happens.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

Surface level: a lot of animals— specifically dogs, rats, etc. lab animals, and the types of animals the children practiced fighting with.Repressed: they don’t think about it much, but if they are confronted with drugs again, especially with any of their party members, they probably will react very badly.Deep dark: catch them off guard with a command or authoritative tone, and they’ll completely freeze up. Despite the fact that some of them are dead, they still are deeply terrified of the power their parents and the whole organization had over them.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

The smell, or even the sight, of Jet, Psycho, or any other addictive drug/poison they’ve worked with.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

They really don’t hate much of anything, mostly because they’re a child and don’t like to think about anything internally. If anything, it would be the scars and brands that mark their entire right side, but they’ve covered them in tattoos to avoid having to think about them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

Yeah, but not really in the traditional sense. Typically they react to the trigger with violence and anger, then pretend it didn’t happen, and then disassociate as soon as things calm down. Things that will do it are typically references to drugs (or worse, being around them,) and being ordered to do things (especially in a certain tone of voice.) anything that reminds them of their father’s abuse or of the compound.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

They’re really not very strong, but they hold up fine in battle especially since they keep their distance.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

Probably their refusal to do any sort of self reflection. They bottle up all their trauma without even really realizing they’re doing it.

11. Do they have any vices?

They used to have drug addictions, from accidental inhalation and exposure to them for years. They do drink alcohol, but avoid drugs at all costs even if they don’t want to think about why.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

SO many times. Most of their life was spent literally working in an illegal organization, and they don’t really try to keep their work strictly legal even now.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

It’s hard to decide. They’re a genuinely good person, but they don’t know how to actually be good so a lot of sins describe them. Probably greed or wrath. Maybe pride.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

Absolutely. Especially if anything reminds them of the past, or anything they don’t want to think about. They typically react with extreme violence. Their emotional outbursts also tend to be more angry than anything else, since they don’t like feeling scared or sad.

15. Who do they hate the most?

They hate the heads of their old organization. They still harbor a lot of hatred and fear towards their parents, though they will insist that their deaths ended that.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

Sometimes people do, so they took to not really talking about their age since people didn’t treat them like an adult if they knew they’re 15. They pretty much don’t let people make them feel inferior anymore.

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

They hate animal noises, like continuous barking or squeaking. They like the loud noise their gun makes when they fire, and the sound of explosions delights them, but sometimes their ears ring and their head hurts afterwards if they were too close.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

They hate bitter things because they’re a kid and their taste reflex to avoid possible poison is even more overactive than a normal kid’s. They prefer to eat the same food, like their own rations, over and over than try new things.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

Not really. They kind of wish they didn’t have to have tattoos, but they’d rather have pretty art than the markings underneath.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable?

I don’t think they consider it much. They’ve never really loved or been loved, even in a family or friend sense, so it’s a new thing to them. They like having friends.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

They get very anxious about doing the right thing, especially now that they’re with a group. They’re scared they will do something they think is right, and the group will judge them for it or think they’re cruel or mean.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

Probably some form of complex PTSD due to childhood abuse and trauma.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped?

They were abused throughout their childhood by their parents, and by extension the organization.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped?

Not really. They can and will defend themself with deadly force.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

No, they didn’t have that sort of “trust” for most of their life. The closest thing would be realizing that the organization was bad, but that wasn’t really a betrayal of trust since it had always been bad, they just thought it was normal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

Never too seriously, not all at once. At the compound they were injured only enough to hurt, not enough to stop them from working, and they’ve never been too badly hurt in battle.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

I don’t think there’s hospitals in this world? Even if there were the answer would be none because there’s no way they’d have ever had the chance to go to one.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?

Authority. Also drug dealers.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?

They would absolutely deny that it does, because it isn’t real and therefore doesn’t affect them. Sometimes they’re right and they can push through, sometimes they’re lying.

30. Have they ever been bullied?

Not really. Most of their peers were just as brainwashed as they were, and infighting was punished so no one really formed cliques or bully groups.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?

No way. They think they’re the best, and self image doesn’t really figure into it.

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?

Yes. Their parents were both physically and mentally abusive. Xenoc killed them, and probably several other people, by blowing up their house.

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?

They’ve never been in a romantic relationship. Other relationships they mostly burned to the ground, until they met the party. Those relationships are still forming, slowly, but they’re pretty good so far.

34. Have they ever self harmed?

I don’t think it would cross their mind to do it intentionally. They sometimes do things recklessly that get them hurt, like burning their fingers on their gun, but it’s never really for the purpose of hurting themself.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

Abstract? They’d want to change into being a “good person” as others see them. A more solid change would be to get rid of the symbols and markings the organization gave them.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them?

Their emotions are definitely more in control, but they have a smaller range of emotions since they’re young and very inexperienced with the world.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?

They spent 13 years of their life with little to no freedom, and 11 of those not even realizing freedom was a possibility.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

Not in the traditional sense, but they were confined to the compound the whole time they were there, spending most of their time in underground laboratories.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

Nah they probably did it.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?

Very rarely. If they caused someone’s problem, they either did it on purpose, or don’t care too much, and if they didn’t cause it they aren’t likely to think they did. They’re a self centered kid at heart.

41. Do they get sick often?

Their immune system is actually pretty weakened and resistant to most medicines due to their long term drug exposure, but they don’t really notice when they get sick since they’re used to just working through it. They probably don’t think they’re sick even when they are.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?

For the most part, yes. They love being free to do what they want, and the world to them is still a beautiful place full of adventure and possibility. They don’t realize how much they have yet to grow.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?

They’re convinced that now that their parents are dead and they’ve left the compound, the past doesn’t matter. They wish they’d left sooner, and that they’d stayed with their friend Cara and been able to take her with, but they refuse to even think about the past most of the time.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

They want to be able to work more on their gun, and make more weapons and better weapons. It takes time, resources, and money that they don’t always have.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?

Wildly split between joy and fury. With a pretty large portion confusion, as well. They actually are a pretty happy person, as long as they’re able to pretend problems don’t exist. In battle, they typically actually enjoy fighting. However, any negative emotion they have they pretty quickly convert into anger, which they’re more comfortable with.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?

Never seriously. Not beyond vaguely wishing they’d die while they were going through withdrawal. They absolutely want to stay alive and free.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?

No. They’ve done plenty of reckless, life endangering things, but never with the intent to die.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?

Yep, and they have. Many times. Even before joining the party, they killed their parents along with many others in the compound by blowing up a large housing unit. Most recently, they put eight bullets through the unconscious body of a bandits who’d hurt one of their friends.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through.

Having to go back into someone’s control, or back under the thrall of drugs.

[tmntxreader-fics]

Donatello x Reader: Breathe

“Look at me - just breathe, okay?”From the dialogue prompts. 

@tur-nerd-tle-girl asked: 95 Donatello. 

“Look at me - just breathe, okay?”

(Gender neutral reader) 

THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A SMALL PROMPT BUT IT LOWKEY TURNED INTO A NO SPEECH EXPERIMENTAL FIC IM SO SORRY. 

A/N:  I really wasn’t in the mood to make something really triggering for others and put myself in a bad mood. Soooo I was trying to play around with a bit of disassociation, when I get attacks I tend to disassociate from my surroundings and hyperventilate. Also I wanted to play around with the no dialogue concept (except for the prompt of course), considering how during a panic attack noones words really register (at least for me). SO this kind of happened? Sorry if it’s not really what you wanted, hun :/

Warnings: Anxiety, panic attack, possible typos

It’s funny how the right words said by the right person can have such a significant impact. If it had been said by any other person you suppose it wouldn’t have the same effect. In fact, it may have just made you react in a worse manner. No one ever really takes the “calm down” phrase well. 

But when he says it, you always do. Almost instantaneously. Maybe it’s because he technically paraphrases it, or he just uses a different tone of voice from the others; soothingly clinical. Like the doctors who smile at you while they ask you to breath in and out, listening through the stethoscope to the steady beating of your heart. Or maybe not so steady, you know, it depends. 

You know that standing here, in his lab, your heart isn’t so steady. In fact, it’s erratic, pounding a million miles per second. No matter what you do, you just can’t slow it, you can’t slow your breathing either. Short pants, struggling to drink in the air to satisfy your lungs- not nearly enough. You’re not nearly enough. You’re never enough. 

You crave the words. You crave his words. In fact, you crave more than his words but right now that one sentence from his mouth is the only thing that can cure you. Your head is spinning, your heart begins to hurt. The skin across the planes of your chest tightens as your blood seemingly turns to a liquid flame.

You remember the first time he had said the words and you knew, you freaking knew, that you were a goner. You had kissed the future and seen a glimpse through its gaze, you knew that day that there was and would only be one who would have that tranquil effect on you. How can one make you so nervous but put you in a state of serenity at the same time?

When you had first met him, you were terrified. He was a sight to behold almost majestic. Not only was he larger than life, a mutant species and for some reason in your bedroom at 3am with your reporter roommate; he was intelligent. You knew it the moment you locked gazes with him, the exact point that you caught sight of the molten gold eyes that examined you standing in the doorway with your mouth ajar. He was surprised from what you could tell. Looking back on it he was also panicking severely, spilling several generic phrases that one who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar would say.  

Of course, you immediately opened your mouth and belted out the loudest scream you could possibly produce from your being. That landed you with a large three-fingered hand over your mouth. You were forced into a shock-induced paralysis; unable to fight, to bite his fingers or to kick out at his legs. He was spluttering apologies and attempts of disarmament but you were focused on the way you could feel his hand trembling against your lips. Focused on the way his eyes widened as they caught sight of the tears beginning to collect in the corners of your own. Focused on the way he panicked, just like you had. 

With your back against the doorframe, your mouth covered by the mutant terrapin and your soul pinned by that golden gaze; you couldn’t control the pressure in your chest. You couldn’t bury it beneath something else or disregard it in an attempt to pretend it never existed, it crept throughout your being until it reached the tips of your fingers. 

You hadn’t realized you were hyperventilating until he had quickly removed his hand from your mouth. Lowering himself slowly to reach eye level, you immediately cast away your gaze. You pressed further into the obstruction behind you, your shoulders almost folding backwards around the frame of the door from the pressure. You felt a hand rest lightly on your shoulder, surprisingly soothing to the touch. It was a prompt, a request for you to make eye contact with him so he could understand whether you were registering what he was saying or not. But you couldn’t. The raw intelligence behind his gaze was the most intimidating aspect of the creature before you, he knew more than you did about everything and everything- you could just tell. 

His hand slid lightly from your shoulder to softly grip your chin and tilted your head to meet his eyes. Then he said it.  “Look at me.” It was as if you had just broken through the water; as if you had been listening to static and had finally tuned into a station. His voice was gentle but clinical. “Just breathe, okay?”

You knew then that those words would be your saving grace, that he would be your saving grace. 

You guess that’s why you’re standing in his lab at this moment visiting old memories in the midst of a panic attack. Supposedly back in reality, but your head still in a million different dimensions and universes. You don’t really remember why you were panicking, you can’t recall what had triggered this onslaught of hostile emotions. You do remember the overall sensation, the way it blurred into a dull ache that now violates every inch of your body. The sense that you’re not good enough, that you would never be good enough. 

It is such an unoriginal fear, almost embarrassing but nevertheless, it is painstakingly present in your life. You know he catches your frantic breathing when you hear a tool being dropped to clatter on the floor carelessly. He never handles his tools carelessly. You hear your name being called, it’s muffled- like hearing music pound from the surface when you’re beneath the water.

 But then he says it, with his fingers gripping your chin gently. Those six little words- damned words- that had you falling into him every time. His cool breath against your cheek, his gaze seeking out yours frantically and his genuine concern evident through his firm tone. You know he cares for you deeply, he fails miserably at hiding things unless it’s hiding the shy smile that works its way onto his lips behind his hand. 

“Look at me - just breathe, okay?”

You know you’ve leaned into his touch as you’re brought back to reality- his reality. It’s an unbreakable cycle and you’ve just rounded back to the start. 

It’s funny how the right words said by the right person can have such a significant impact. If it had been said by any other person you suppose it wouldn’t have the same effect. No one ever really takes the “calm down” phrase well. But when he says it, you always do. Almost instantaneously. Maybe it’s because he technically paraphrases it, or he just uses a different tone of voice from the others; soothingly clinical.

Maybe, it’s because Donatello has had an unintended, intangible hold over you since you met him; and you love it.