#(also yes i definitely did this instead of working on my thesis as a way to procrastinate

[tardis--dreams]

The ordeal of making a doctor's appointment is almost worse than the appointment itself but i made it and am very proud of myself for it

[verpineshatterrifle]

I love how much you love kal 🩷 I am not his biggest fan bc I detest how traviss' misogyny seems to come out mostly thru him as opposed to other characters, especially through the way he treated etain but your take about flaws being an integral part of what makes a person themself is CHEF'S KISS 🤌

omg thank you so much 🥰 i can, have, and will talk about him for hours, i will write a thesis statement, i will make a powerpoint, i will wax poetic about the themes of repcomm and how much they mean to me interminably

goddd please don't take this as me trying to change your mind or arguing with you or anything, i totally understand that the books were written in like 2004 and kt has had some. unfortunate. blog posts ect ect

i am also never trying to bash etain in any way to defend my favoritest blorbo kal skirata, i definitely think that her character arc was poorly handled and the narrative itself was unkind to her. i don't blame any of the characters for that and i choose to believe the best of her as a character despite the narrative fucking her over deeply

i just don't think kal reads as misogynistic

even narratively with many of the female characters beginning to do traditional 'women's work' like cooking ect, the characters treat laseema's ability to run a kitchen for several dozen people as a hugely valuable skill, and most of those women with like, the exception of rav, are not trained as fighters, and it would be hugely irresponsible for the soldier characters to be like 'hey do you wanna come on this mission even though you have no idea how to do black ops shit so that i don't look like im being discriminatory'

that rant aside, and LET US NOT FORGET BESANY MOTHERFUCKIN 'STARTED AN ARMED SIEGE IN A HOSPITAL' WENNEN

here is my take on how kal treated etain and her pregnancy announcement

-nobody ever mentions the Check Incident when they talk about this. etain did something that greatly upset ordo, and although she was right and her actions saved besany's life, one of the points of repcomm is that no matter how morally correct or justified your action was, the consequences of it don't go away. and then instead of trying to solve it directly with ordo (which is fair because ordo is scary as fuck and also violently angry with her about it, and kal is pretty approachable) she talks to kal about it instead. he was pretty unhappy about that, and to him that looks like her not really treating ordo as a man and an equal

-after the initial blowup, kal isn't unkind to her. i believe the next time they actually see each other in person was on dorumaa when she was having complications, and he was concerned and was nice to her despite how messy the last time they saw each other was. etain was anxious he would still be mad at her, but he wasn't

-yes, he is angry with her at first. he blows up. he's an angry person, that's a very, very core trait of his- he perceived one of his sons being taken advantage of, if he didn't get angry about that he wouldn't be kal skirata

-i hate to bring this up but it is canonical that etain intended to become pregnant, on purpose, while suggesting to darman that she wasn't going to get pregnant. and i choose to believe that that's kt fucking her over narratively. but she did do something without even talking to darman about it at all, and then just like with checking ordo, went to kal about it instead expecting him to be able to fix the problem

-and he did. sure, he made demands, he didn't leave her much choice at all, he threatened her. but he did give her what she asked for. her intention was to give darman a mandalorian son, and kal did what he felt he needed to do to make sure darman's son was raised as a mandalorian

honestly my ideal fix-it for that scenario is actually kal going one step FARTHER and forcing etain to resign from her rank, and possibly the order if she has to. you chose to be a mother. you can't also be a general. for both your safety, and the safety of the baby, you cannot HAVE A PREGNANT WOMAN ACTIVELY PARTICIPATING IN A WAR JESUS CHRIST (yes he thought qiilura should be as safe as possible but STILL)

and just like with etain and ordo, no matter how justified your action was, you still have to face the consequences. and kal does when darman punches his lights out about it lol

also #ETAINLIVES. in anything i ever write or draw or have headcanons about lol. 501st is a whump fic with interesting character information to me, basically. last couple chapters of order 66 on ain't canon. not in my heart.

[inquisimail]

Hiii, for the Veilguard Asks, if you want to:

4 (and which voice), 7, and 20? :D

20. is rook best friends with any of the companions? if yes, who?

for how focused the game is on the thesis of friendship being magic i think it does a very poor job of actually integrating rook into the team's collective activities, so it feels more like you're just everyone's boss and therapist rather than a friend. which is why it was kind of hard for me to feel a genuine connection with any of the companions.

but if i were to close my eyes and pretend i would say gentle is good friends with harding, but the kind of friends you make with your coworker that you work insane shifts with together.

also definitely lucanis because i feel like them both being crows is very funny. at all times of the day whatever problem you have you have two people on the team who with no hesitation will go "do you want me to kill that guy for you? i can totally kill that guy for you".

7. most and least favorite armor

i actually quite like most of the armor in the game, and i think all of the companions have really cool outfits. i also think the crow armor in this game goes hard as fuck, here's my top 3 favorites:

i don't really think gentle would wear the third one but it's a very funny armor to me conceptually. mostly because it's completely useless as "armor". it does look impressive though

update: oh wait i remembered. i hate the starting armor👍bioware keeping the dai spirit alive by making intro armor look ugly as hell

4. most and least favorite voiceline delivery

i can't think of any voicelines that i disliked off the top of my head, but i definitely know which one is my favorite. i even took a clip of it because it made me laugh out loud when i heard it:

why did they say "distressing" like that. it sounds like that clip from it's always sunny where dennis says "we're the same age"

update 2: i can't believe i forgot to mention this but i hate how british inquisitor sounds in this game. it's way too deep... the first time i heard parsley talk i genuinely thought i somehow misclicked and picked the deep american voice instead lol

datv ask game

[jack-kellys]

west end question: i obviously love my brooklyn girls and would die for them all, but is it bad that it’s taken away the sprace dynamic for me? like i’m still 100% on board with a nowhere near canon ship and it shouldn’t affect me they’ve decided to have spot be a girl, but it lowkey has? and i feel kinda guilty about it? idk i love my proshot boys. but i am 100% here for all the uk newsies cast they are amazing and so talented and it’s definitely my favourite production by far!! idk if i’m making sense

ok part of me feels a litle baited actually because like. i feel like... im vocal abt mlm musical sprace not being a big vibe for me in the first place. so im a funny person to ask if you were looking for relief lmao. anyway here's my thesis below.

wait also if ur a white newsie fan a read-thru+rb of this would be much appreciated thank youuu (also yall have been eating up my character analyses anyway sooooo!)

TL;DR THESIS: if you're feeling genuinely let down that your ship did not see the light of day and a black girlsie spot conlon got to instead, then yes, you should reevaluate that.

followers, if you've been with me long enough, you know that i have quite strong opinions about how this show gets treated when it comes to interpretations and fandom/fanon. mostly, this is because i literally work in theater, and it's extremely backwards in my brain personally when shows get treated more like a movie or tv show than a performance piece.

im also one of the only ppl in this fandom that ever seems to dare speak on race (not the damn character smh). and anon, buddy, kiddo, this does have to do with race, gender, and sexuality.

firstly, what i think needs to be understood about newsies, is that it is theater, which means it is meant to be mutable. there is no one way. there should never be one way. it does not exist. secondly, theater does not exist in a fandom vacuum. its live every night, conceptually. theater is a live performance art.

interpretations change- it's the nature of theater. so i think asks like these really do illuminate the difference between fans of the show's content or fans of... i guess the show's culture's content.

this is a culture content ask.

one thing i really, truly, deeply need you all to understand: from an objective, script- and staging-based perspective, proshot sprace does not exist. they do not speak. they barely see each other. race does not even volunteer to go to brooklyn. the ship originates from the 1992 movie, where they do actually interact, which is why the ship has prevailed through the 90s to today. they're from the movie, not the musical.

of course, this doesn't bash the ship- it has history, and naturally fans want to create new history when they get a new source material (the musical). it's true for like every newsie ship lowkey (but also not lowkey because all the manhattan newsies do interact and sprace literally does not but thats a different post!!), which is something i do admire about the fandom- we do a lot of our own legwork here, we invent relationships and backgrounds from one-liners that could be given to tbh any frickin newsie. i respect the 30 years we have invented ships.

however.

when a huge, publicized, consistently sold out production comes along with spot conlon as not only a woman, but a woman of color (specifically black rn!) as the leader of the most feared group on stage, there becomes something much more important than a "sprace dynamic", which does not canonically exist in the musical anyway bro. you can't miss something that isn't there imo. often the story and casting within a story comes first, and goddamn if this isn't one of those times. lillie-pearl's spot brings bravado, swagger, confidence, and intimidation that is literally....fine maybe i'm being personal but it is slash gen incredible to see in technically a period piece! a black woman in leadership with that kind of assuredness! in such a popular musical! how is that not– automatically surpassing an often obsessed-over (yes i am. hinting at something here, straight girl fans) mlm ship?

and while i'm on the topic of the over-obsessiveness of mlm musical sprace, let me talk about uksies sprace. because what's also wack abt this ask is that sprace is not a hopeless case in this production- it literally has about as much 'evidence' as the proshot imo!!!!!

i got to hop over to 2nd row brooklyn seating for act 2 so i saw once and for all really close up, right. there's a moment when race is upstage letting the newsies in/down from the stairs. spot comes down and she does, in fact, share a look with him. race gives spot a nod and she keeps moving.

and like im gonna see the show again (every day i am counting my mf blessings fr), so if i'm wrong or they don't do it every time i'll correct myself, but that's what i saw with my own dang eyes on saturday. they do acknowledge each other in uksies.

and since they do, i really like. i have to ask. what is bothersome/unpopular abt uksies sprace, other than oh idk.... its not white/white mlm with a twink/manly bf trope? why can't race still love who spot is as a character, this strong and fearless ruler of brooklyn, in uksies? because tbh josh's racer...nahhhh because. this is such a side note now but they'd be so good together oh jesus am i gonna ship uk sprace. and it's not like they're 'taking away' from a queer ship because a) you can headcanon spot as a queer girl and race being trans is consistently popular and b) newsies has ten billion gayass ships bro we've been eatin for literal decades.

anon, i'm sure you didn't mean harm by this ask. i'm sure, honestly, that a lot of fans are feeling the same way as you and weren't quite sure how to put it in words. but, i'm also not surprised you sent an ask like this on anonymous specifically.

should you feel guilty about it? i don't think guilt is the right word. but i believe you should think more about how newsies is not.....static. it does not exist in one form, and it never will. if you're feeling genuinely let down that your ship did not see the light of day and a black girlsie spot conlon got to instead, then yes, you should reevaluate that. in theater, you should always question why something impacted you the way it did- a major point of theater is to discuss and think about it when you leave! i know this because ive spent three years literally studying it, to back up my thesis credentials.

thank you for reading this, newsies fandom. i do honestly say all this with love, and i hope it made u think !! ♥️

[sorealis]

Life update no one asked for but I need to rant and I don't want to bother anyone who knows me irl. It got surprisingly long so under the cut it is.

I have been so tired for a year now. It was definitely a mistake doing what I did last year, studies-wise, but at least I'm now a huge step closer to graduating some time. If I ever manage to figure out a topic for my master's thesis. (Anyone want to give me ideas?)

I went to the doctor, he said "maybe it will get better when you don't have to work for a while" and I said "yeah, maybe". It didn't. I was tired the whole summer. But I could still do some things, not nearly as much as I would have liked (like write fanfiction lol).

But do you know what happens when you don't do anything for a while? No money. To get money I have to work. But I can't work and study at the same time. I tried that, the whole of last year and look where we are now. Worst part, my "job" last year was just practice so I don't even get paid for it. I've been living without any income for years now. (When I say "any" I mean not a livable wage. I have a job and I do get paid, but it isn't enough to live on)

I'm not completely without help, however, I don't really qualify for benefits the way things are right now. Soon I will, but I'd rather not because it means I will have to stress about more things. They tell me to "go to work" and I totally would, but a) there are no jobs here, this is a city with 40k students out of 140k total residents, how many part-time jobs do you think there are, and b) I can't work. I could, but then I can't study. If I don't study I won't graduate. I will work for the rest of my life as soon as I have my degree, okay? I just need to get there first.

Stressing about all of this is making me feel even more like shit. And now I can't sleep. I can't believe I told my doctors just a few months ago that "no, I definitely have no trouble sleeping, I just get really tired really easy" and my body was like "would you like to have trouble sleeping, here we go". This would be fine if not sleeping just meant that I'm just equally tired all the time instead of just most of the time. But my eyes hurt and this is where I draw the line. I can't see.

And I know exactly why I can't sleep and why I panic every time I go outside and why I get so tired all the time. And pretty much most of this could be solved if I had financial security. But I don't.

So now my regular doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, because apparently all my complaining sounded a little too much like I have depression. Could be true, but this doesn't feel like the last time I was depressed (as in the last time I was actually diagnosed with depression, which gave me nice confirmation that yes, I'm not crazy and this is actually thing that has a name) Maybe I'm just exhausted trying to fix all the stupid shit my past depressed self did when I thought planning for a future I thought I wouldn't have was stupid.

Here I am. Recently hit 30, which is more than I ever thought I would. I wish I was 22. That's how many years I feel like I've missed living.

Also, definitely the least of my worries now, but I need to stop looking at the stats for my fics, it's not good for the rest of my meager mental health. I shouldn't care so much if people I don't know, and who have probably never once interacted with my fics, want to keep reading. They don't owe me anything but neither do I owe them anything. There's a constant mantra of "you're writing for yourself not them" in my mind these days. (Maybe I'm simply cursed to never hit that 200 subscriptions threshold ;_;)

[neinofthem]

I posted 290 times in 2022

That's 263 more posts than 2021!

208 posts created (72%)

82 posts reblogged (28%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@neinofthem

@viciousmollymaukery

@quinn-of-aebradore

@essektheylyss

@andgently

I tagged 166 of my posts in 2022

Only 43% of my posts had no tags

#essek thelyss - 99 posts

#critical role - 98 posts

#the mighty nein - 89 posts

#cr - 88 posts

#mighty nein - 83 posts

#tm9 - 81 posts

#cr2 - 74 posts

#shadowgast - 68 posts

#cr shitpost - 53 posts

#critical role essek - 50 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#imagine waking up one day and remembering that the disgraced former shadowhand is a. 4’10 on a good day and b. definitely without a doubt

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

literally the best thing about essek is that it’s so hard to have a bad take about him because he is so many things. yes he is a virgin librarian yes he is a suave sexy politician yes he is a brilliant wizard prodigy yes he has the warcaster feat no he has never seen conflict. it’s literally yes he’s world weary and has lived for over a hundred years yes he’s said the word ‘fuck’ once and once only. yes he carries around a frilly pink parasol yes he was the head of arcane intelligence for the fucking queen of the kryn dynasty and no one has asked his favorite food before. what is WITH this guy I LOVE him.

2,493 notes - Posted February 28, 2022

#4

as much as essek is a genius wizard and schemer and intimidating and aloof he is also Just Some Guy. he stole the most important items in his country’s culture not because of a desire to start war but because he’s a huge nerd. he’s being chased by assassins and the people who exposed his crimes led the worst man of all existence to his doorstep and he wants to get drunk off of boozy hot chocolate. he tried to fistfight a giant with his twink wizard noodle arms. he gardens. he can crush a man with one hand. he has little teefies. his dad got so angry at him he died. he’s dating the worlds most traumatized man. he’s my best friend. he’s gay. easily the most character of all time.

2,535 notes - Posted February 21, 2022

#3

essek: caleb did you fight a demigod. caleb answer me did you fight the fucking ocean.

caleb, tenderly cradling his face: you’re so hot.

2,577 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#2

bells hells merrily traipsing their way into aeor sometime in the near future: who are you guys lmao. anyways we think we’re swinging by that little bitch moon next to take care of the Moon Haunting that has been Plaguing us with Visions.

caleb and essek on their fifth aeorian honeymoon: what are the words that you are saying. why does that stalactite have a beacon in his head. what do you mean you ran into ludinus da’leth. why do you have a fucking robot. what was that about the fucking moon.

2,899 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

imagine you are the director of the magic cia and you betrayed your home country because they denied your grad thesis and you thought everything was chill but then a group of people in bdsm gear burst into the room holding the god that you stole and you now have to babysit them and watch while they ruin the house your family gave them and you are also in a honeypot4honeypot situationship with their resident ginger and you teach him forbidden magics because he has nice eyes and you keep having to ferry them to fight dragons or some shit and they keep fucking inviting you to dinner so you go to dinner and they trap you, the traitor they’re looking for, in a truth spell and instead of asking any damning question they want to know which of them you find the hottest and what your moms name is and then they disappear for like two months and then you’re in disguise at the negotiation which undermines your past decades work and they fucking show up and they find out about your crimes so they paralyze you and drag you to their ship and instead of killing you the ginger kisses you on the forehead and they tell you that you’re family now and then they disappear for a long fucking time so you leave and go chill in the north and then they show up chased by a purple man with horns and a dead member of the fucking cerberus assembly and then they fucking dip and when you come back they take you to a flesh city to fight the purple man but they get really sad when they murder him so they revive him? and also you find evidence that the god that you stole is not a god and is some kind of hyper advanced magic computer maybe and then you just sort of fucking go home? and chill in a garden? every day essek thelyss wakes up.

4,733 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lazinesswrites]

This is the prologue for that Bad Batch fic I'm writing instead of my thesis. The fic doesn't have a title yet, but this prologue does (Divergence), and... both of the chapters I have planned but not written yet also have titles. Because of course they do. And look! I'm doing the thing with the word-definitions at the start of the chapters! That's a first for me! I'll put it on Ao3 when the whole thing is done. Well. "The whole thing" I say. When part one is done. I haven't decided yet if I'll write part two, but I do have notes for it. Yes, I already posted this once, but it was in a reblog where no one is gonna see it, and also I've edited it a bit.

Divergence

noun : (a) a drawing apart, (b) difference, disagreement

noun : a deviation from a course or standard.

---

Crosshair knows this is what Hunter meant, when he said Crosshair would only ever be another number to the Empire. And he knew back then that Hunter was right, but he didn’t care. Or, he did, of course he did, but he’d thought it was worth it, to have a roof over his head, a mostly safe place to rest between missions, daily meals, and above all, to have a purpose. They’d had commanding officers before who hadn’t cared to learn their names. They’d dealt with it then; he could deal with it now. Even if it was much more constant, and he had to deal with it on his own. They were created to be soldiers. What is the point of them, beyond that? What does it matter who gives the orders? Crosshair figured it didn’t matter, at least not enough to stop following them. But now…

Expendable, Lieutenant Nolan called them. A waste of resources.

“Now, leave him and get back to work…” the Lieutenant orders, “while you’re still useful.”

We’re good soldiers. Mayday said. We followed orders. They did. They did. And this was the thanks they got? No help, not even the time to care for their dead?

Crosshair considers the blaster, still in its holster at his side. It would be so easy. Just stand up. Get the Lieutenant’s attention; let him realize exactly what was going to happen. Take the shot. Make sure no one else would ever have to follow his orders again.

Crosshair watches the ice vulture circle above them. Waiting for them to go away so it can get to Mayday’s body, most likely.

Would it help? To kill the Lieutenant?

No.

No, it wouldn’t. It’d make Crosshair feel better, at least temporarily, but there’s a platoon of new soldiers – stormtroopers – just across the landing platform who’d likely make him feel a lot worse, if he killed their Lieutenant. Maybe they’d take him in, punish him for insubordination, or treason; throw him in a prison somewhere. Maybe they’d just kill him. Crosshair finds he doesn’t really care.

Except…

Vicious creatures, Mayday had said about the ice vultures, but he’d admired them. They find a way to survive.

Tech had called Crosshair severe and unyielding, in that tunnel back on Kamino. Crosshair still doesn’t know if he should take it as a compliment or insult. Knowing Tech, it likely wasn’t meant as either. Just a statement of fact.

Vicious. Severe and unyielding. A survivor.

Crosshair stands.

He wants to do more than this for Mayday; doesn’t want to just leave him there on the tarmac, but there’s nothing to be done now. No point carrying dead weight, and all that. Live to fight another day. The best he can do is keep moving, keep pushing through the storm, even when it hurts. Even when it means leaving a brother to become vulture-feed. He might’ve liked that idea, anyway.

He’ll take Mayday’s helmet inside the depot, though. Place it with the others.

[missystudentboycott]

October 13th, 2024

What I got done yesterday (not much, but I had classes the whole day!):

I did some research for my thesis project after school, found another concept I could use for my independent variable since it's a closer approximation to my original idea/topic. The problem is that with a new concept for the independent variable then all the research changes (which has happened to me 3 times now), and I need to show my teacher progress all the way to the theoretical framework by Thursday :)

Roughly scheduled my assignments for the week (ADHD makes following schedules so as long as I get it done by a certain day is good enough for me)

What I will do today:

That research question Will Be Done Today. I have manifested it. I put it out there! (A.k.a. I won't go to sleep until I decide definitely in the concepts I will use and the dependent variable)

If I manage to win against the question at a reasonable hour, I will start rewriting my justification

If my dad isn't too wrung up from his breakfast with his siblings, I will try to talk it out with him, hopefully without getting more mad in the process.

My day in many more words!

Yesterday was both very rewarding but also... Frustrating? Sad?

In the morning I was mildly frustrated because for one reason or another I couldn't use the outfit I had selected. It was a problem because I can be very indecisive about what to wear and despite waking up a bit earlier I am usually very slow to get ready. However, I put on an outfit that seemed good enough and threw on a scarf (partly to cover a stain on my sweater I hadn't noticed, partly to add some color because the outfit looked so bland). It turned out to be a big hit! I got so many compliments from both teachers and classmates I almost couldn't believe it. It really helped drive home how I'm learning more about styling, which I used to have a lot of trouble with.

More over, the harshest teacher I have at the moment gave me feedback on my presentation from last week and was very motivating towards me. She gave me advice and expressed her certainty that I could, and would, achieve many things, even surpassing how prepared she was at 30 compared with myself then.

In another class I also took part in a roleplay, which I typically try to avoid because of my own insecurity with anything that is acting (yes, this includes lying, I suck at it). Was I great at it? Absolutely not! However, I had fun, though that probably was a problem because I was too busy giggling when I was supposed to be a disregarding and mildly aggressive father... Oops!

I had a very interesting lecture on Consumer Behavior!

On the other hand, I was harshly reminded that I have exams again in 2 weeks by being piled up with papers and presentations and practices. In those moments I really, really, think about how worth it is to be a part time student on the weekends instead of full time, but your girl's got to work!

In other news, my dad is still mad at me and keeps being very curt with his responses, he refuses to be part of the conversation if I'm there and is still avoiding spaces I'm in! So there's that.

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde

Candy, page 11

DAVE: yo john what do you think about me and karkat

JOHN: um...

JOHN: you two are pretty cute together, i guess?

DAVE: together

DAVE: i need you to be way more specific here

JOHN: oh, ok.

JOHN: hmm. i guess i’d have to say that you’re both cute individually when you’re with each other, and you make cute friends, which is why you’re cute together. something about it just works!

JOHN: i feel like i’m saying cute a lot here.

JOHN: for the record, i don’t mean you’re cute as an individual. no offense.

JOHN: alone, you’re just dave.

JOHN: but together, yeah. you guys are cute.

DAVE: together

DAVE: you mean

DAVE: like a couple

JOHN: er... yes.

JOHN: that’s exactly what i mean.

DAVE: why

JOHN: didn’t i just explain it? good friends make good partners!

JOHN: you’re similar in all the right ways, and different in all the even more right ways.

JOHN: you two balance each other out and keep each other from going off the rails, like when you were kids.

DAVE: huh

JOHN: you were both kinda... crazy when we were kids? again, no offense.

DAVE: thats not what i was saying huh about

JOHN: oh.

DAVE: i was saying huh because that sure was a coherent egbertian thesis on the state of the davekat situation

JOHN: well, i’ve thought about it that way for a long time. i think it’s what everyone else thinks too.

DAVE: i dont know

DAVE: if id been thinking about it that way i wouldnt be in the mess im in right now

JOHN: you’re in a mess?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: theres a metric fucking ton of shit about to come down on me because i dragged my heels on doing some serious self reflection

JOHN: is this just some more stuff about...

JOHN: being gay?

DAVE: maybe yeah

DAVE: ok definitely yeah

DAVE: its 110% about being gay

JOHN: i thought you’d already worked all that stuff out?

DAVE: turns out it takes a long time to figure out your sexuality after a childhood filled with repression and abuse

JOHN: dave...

DAVE: i mean yeah i woke the hell up to my inner potential for gayness in a big way

DAVE: but then i just kind of pressed the snooze button and rolled back over because we kinda had to fight all those jacks and also create society

JOHN: holy fucking shit.

JOHN: there’s a gay snooze button?

DAVE: yeah man theres a gay snooze button

JOHN: wow.

DAVE: when i was having my gay coolboy awakening it wasnt a full no homo but it was at least a quarter no homo

DAVE: if i hadnt done that then instead of talking to you about this id be at home right now

DAVE: uh

DAVE: kissing karkat probably

JOHN: i don’t get this dave. am i your gay confessor or something?

JOHN: you don’t need my blessing to go kiss karkat. in fact, i was pretty sure you were already kissing karkat!

DAVE: nope

JOHN: in that case, as the lord pope of dave’s fully awakened gaydom i give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible!

JOHN: go now my child, and kiss karkat right on the lips!!!

DAVE: ok as much as i appreciate how weird a thing that was to say

DAVE: its not that simple

JOHN: i might not exactly be the expert, but kissing seems pretty easy, dave.

JOHN: i’m sure it gets more complicated in the later stages obviously, but i think you can figure out how to get your lips on his without much trouble.

DAVE: no i mean like

DAVE: in the greater fabric of our weird incestuous social group

DAVE: it might be the wrong move i think

JOHN: how so?

DAVE: because

DAVE: ...

DAVE: jade

JOHN: right.

JOHN: i almost managed to forget that she was trying to fuck you and karkat.

DAVE: wait you knew about that

JOHN: uh, yeah?

JOHN: did you not?

DAVE: of course i knew about it

DAVE: i was lookin at the whole thing through several complicated layers of conscious denial but i knew

DAVE: its just that you like

DAVE: never leave your house

JOHN: well it probably helps that jade literally said the words to me... and i may be paraphrasing here, but...

JOHN: “hey john, i’m gonna fuck dave and karkat!”

DAVE: wtf she said that to you

DAVE: what did you say

JOHN: i dunno, it was a while ago. probably that it was a bad idea.

JOHN: but i thought it was kinda obvious... she’s always had a crush on you, dave.

DAVE: yeah i know

DAVE: thats why i think that i should

DAVE: give it a try i guess

JOHN: give what a try? dating jade?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: and karkat

JOHN: oh man, dave. i don’t know. that sounds like it could really blow up in your face.

DAVE: yeah thats why im kinda freaking out right now if you didnt notice

JOHN: sorry dude it’s just... do you even like jade?

DAVE: of course i do shes one of my best friends

JOHN: no i meant... do you LIKE-like her?

DAVE: oh my god john youre twenty three years old can you at least pretend to talk like a grown man

JOHN: ok dave, god!

JOHN: are you IN LOVE with jade?

JOHN: ...are you in love with karkat?

DAVE: thats

DAVE: thats a big fucking question

DAVE: thats the biggest fucking question that ever got asked

DAVE: its like the paleolithic megafauna of questions like its so familiar but your eyes just glaze over it in denial because its too fucking big

DAVE: why did megalodon sharks need to have such big jaws john

JOHN: uh... to eat smaller sharks?

DAVE: ive never been so fucking terrified by a question in my entire life

DAVE: seriously my heart is pounding so hard right now that i feel like im gonna hurl

JOHN: well, doesn’t that answer the question?

DAVE: nah because

DAVE: because its not like i feel nothing for jade

DAVE: in fact i feel a whole lot of things for her

DAVE: too many to just tell her off after all this time

DAVE: i mean she spent all those years alone on the ship and i know she missed me

DAVE: and then davesprite died

DAVE: or turned into fucking davepeta i was never clear exactly on what happened there

DAVE: and god knows he didnt make any attempt to clear the fucking air with her

DAVE: but when i think about it neither did i

DAVE: so maybe im just a huge asshole whos been leading her on for like a whole goddamn decade at this point

DAVE: and if i have been dont i owe it to her to at least try

JOHN: if that’s your logic dave, then haven’t you been leading karkat on too?

JOHN: doesn’t he deserve the same chance?

JOHN: i mean, if you think it’s the kind of decision you can lay on another person like this...

JOHN: why don’t you just flip a coin?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: have you been talking to terezi

JOHN: um...

DAVE: damn i thought she ghosted everyone

JOHN: not me... i guess?

DAVE: huh

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: i know you thought that sounded like a totally cool thing to say but i dont really think you grasp the full metaphysical implications of whatever youre quoting there

DAVE: do you know what a coin flip is

DAVE: like universally i mean in the grand scale of all this time space infinite string theory bullshit were always dealing with

JOHN: of course!

JOHN: it’s like when you know that you’ve already made a decision you’re reluctant about, and need an outside force to show you how you really feel?

DAVE: no dude thats dumb

DAVE: you should know this cause youve done the retcon thing

JOHN: what does that have to do with flipping coins?

DAVE: ok so every time you flip a coin youre creating an alternate timeline right

DAVE: one where it lands heads and one where it lands tails

DAVE: but while the coin is flipping both possibilities exist simultaneously

JOHN: but what if you knew for sure that you’d make the same decision no matter which side landed up?

DAVE: you cant

JOHN: so... it’s like the coin never lands then?

DAVE: sure

JOHN: then if you dated *both* jade and karkat it’d be like you’re winning the schrodinger’s cat paradox.

DAVE: uh yeah thats another theoretical paradox that i think you gotta read up on a bit more there buddy

JOHN: i probably won’t, but ok.

DAVE: fair enough

DAVE: but yes metaphysics aside me dating both jade and karkat at the same time literally is the issue at hand and it is that with which i currently and explicitly struggle

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: sure seems that way.

DAVE: so...

JOHN: i dunno, dave.

JOHN: this all just... it doesn’t sound *right* to me.

JOHN: i mean... it doesn’t sound...

JOHN: *canon*?

DAVE: ugh not you too

DAVE: rose is always going on about canon

DAVE: i dont give a fuck about canon

JOHN: then what DO you give a fuck about?

DAVE: doing the right thing

DAVE: i guess

JOHN: this doesn’t seem hard to me at all, dave!

JOHN: go home right now and tell karkat how you feel.

DAVE: look i

DAVE: i cant

DAVE: if i did that it would be like

DAVE: like

JOHN: like what, dave? like you would be really happy, and karkat would also be really happy?

DAVE: ugh im not explaining myself right i need to

DAVE: i have to... talk to dirk i think

JOHN: uh, ok?

JOHN: what’s up?

ROXY: yo boys not to interrupt but we got kicked outta the restaurant for not ordering

JOHN: what? really?

JOHN: what’s even the point of being famous if that can happen?

ROXY: lmao i know right

ROXY: told u i wasnt classy enough for the joint

ROXY: i got all these breadsticks tho so we can reconvene in the park

ROXY: totes romantic

ROXY: ten minutes, what u say

JOHN: uh, sounds good! i’ll see you there soon!

JOHN: i’m... sorry i couldn’t help.

DAVE: nah dude its not your fault

DAVE: enjoy your date

[purplesurveys]

1522

Have you ever written a song?: Just when I’ve had to do it for class. < Same, though I haven’t had to do this since like, grade school so it’s definitely been a while. I wouldn’t be interested in penning a song just on my own.

What was the last drink you had?: Coffee.

Do you ever feel numb?: I’m on autopilot at my job these days. I’ve stopped finding fulfillment from it for the most part and when faced with stressful situations I kind of just go into overdrive in a very dead way until it gets resolved, hahaha.

Which do you think would be scarier to experience, an avalanche or tsunami? :   Both are horrific but tsunamis are realistically more likely to happen where I live so I’ll have to go with that.

Do you currently have a honey jar in your pantry?: We do. It was part of the company’s Christmas gift box last year.

Do you always find a silver lining in bad situations?: Yes, I give it a shot every time. I try to avoid being pessimistic.

Do you prefer being inside or outside?: It depends on the occasion. Like if I’m just relaxing, I like to stay indoors but have a great outside view. But if I’m having dinner or drinks with friends, I always push to get al fresco instead of being cooped up in the indoor area.

When did you last use a lighter or matches?: Few months ago when I lit a candle.

Do you think the ocean needs more exploring?: For sure. So little of it has been discovered.

Do you ever experience panic attacks?: I have, but they haven’t visited in a while.

Have you ever had to call 911 or your country's emergency number?: Nope.

What was the last conversation you had about?: I don’t remember lol but it was with my sister not too long ago. We were just talking about Agi having some excess #2 stuck near his butt so I asked her to help me take it out.

Are you doing okay?: I’m great as long as you don’t ask or remind me about work.

Do you know an Olivia?: Nopes.

Is there a past relationship/friendship you miss?: There isn’t.

Do you like mangoes?: Never liked it in any form. As a Filipino I feel like I have a responsibility to like mango to some extent hahaha but it’s just never worked out for me.

Last song you listened to?: My Universe by Coldplay and BTS was on as I was parking earlier tonight.

What do you believe in the most?: That there are other beings in the vast universe. Maybe they aren’t humans like us, maybe they look vastly different, but I believe we aren’t alone.

What was the last movie you watched and enjoyed?: My sister’s thesis film. It’s quite short, only a little short of 20 minutes; but knowing that she made it and put a lot of effort into it made me proud. And the film itself was great, too! Do you use captions when watching TV?: Yeah, for everything I watch it’s ideal to have subtitles even if I can understand the language. It’s easier for me to pick up information/remember scenes if I can read through them.

What was the last app you used?: YouTube. What's your most used app?: Probably Facebook.

What percentage is your phone battery on?: 84% the last time I checked, which was only a few minutes ago. I’m too lazy to confirm if it’s still the same but it most likely is.

Are there any recipes you'd like to try?: I mean I watched a menbosha-making vlog yesterday and ever since then I’ve been thinking about trying to make it on my own. Did you use Vine when it existed?: I never made a Vine but I sure as hell enjoyed the viral ones that came out. I still miss Vine and prefer it a lot more than TikTok, lol.

What decorations do you have in your bedroom?: Some portraits and a few posters are up on my wall. I also have a corkboard with a bunch of BTS knickknacks, and it’s situated right in front of my work station so it can sort of serve as an inspiration for me to keep going haha. Who is a celebrity you'd like to hang out with?: Jimin.

How many amusement parks have you visited?: Around two or three. Not a big fan of them.

Do you prefer chewy or crunchy textures more?:   Crunchy.

What last broke your heart?: I follow a local NGO called Strays Worth Saving and the stories that come out of the page are always so devastating. Last night I shared a call for donation for this dog who was heartlessly stabbed but managed to survive. 

What is happiness in your own words?: Feeling at peace with who and where you are.

Do you still live in the town you grew up in?: Yes. Are there any events coming up you're looking forward to?: We have a holiday this Friday so I’m pretty fucking stoked about the 4-day work week ahead.

What's the most random collection you've had or known someone to have?:   I’ve never personally understood restaurant/hotel tissue collections (unused, of course) but Filipino parents LOVE to start one; hell, even my mom has one lol.

Are you currently wearing anything green?: Nope, I’m all maroon tonight.

Do you google your symptoms everytime there is something wrong?: Yeah, for reassurance. I try to avoid going the opposite route, i.e. Googling my symptoms and going straight to the conclusion that I’m close to death lol.

Have you or would you ever go see a psychic?: Nope.

Who is the strongest person you know?: My mom.

What's your go to Chinese food order?: Not really a big fan of Chinese food but I do like to get minced pork and eggplants.

When was the last time you visited family?: Last Sunday, as is our tradition. We didn’t do it today though since we had to run a few errands and I also booked a trip to a museum.

Do you currently feel restless?: A bit, which is usual on Sunday evenings. What is something you're naturally good at?: Writing.

Have you had coffee or tea today?: I’m currently having coffee.

What flower did you last see?: I can’t recall. What's your favorite fictional book?: Everyday by David Levithan.

[deniigi]

sorry to bother again but i am a freshman in college and i am v stressed

how did you get through it and how do I make myself not want to drop every single class i’m in every semester

how does one take more than 5 classes at a time

i am in midterm hell and i am Scared™️

oh you mean, ‘Matt, please do your actual literal job on main?’ Because this is sort of my actual literal job, friend. So don’t worry. I’ve got you.

So first thing’s first, when planning future semesters:

I would recommend against taking more than 5 classes at a time. Mathematically, it is not great for you. If you have to take more than 5, plan on doing 1-2 to during summer school. You won’t be behind. You’re fine. I swear.

Example for future class planning: For every class, look at the number of units/credits it is. That is around the number of hours that you’re gonna spend in that class a week. Now multiply that by 2. That’s about the number of hours total you’re gonna spend on that class in a week (both in class and doing homework).

That means that a 3 unit/credit class = 6 hours of work per week.

You have five of those classes. That means that you’re doing around 30hrs of school work a week. If you have six of those classes, you’re practically working a fulltime job with little to no pay and benefits.

End story: Do not take more than 5 classes a semester if you can help it.

If you can, don’t take more than 4 classes in your major per semester, either. You will die. Use electives and general education classes as your fourth or fifth class to lighten your load and give yourself something that you enjoy and know you can pass for sure. That will give you some breathing room and will help you maintain your GPA.

Coping with Overload now:

At this point in the semester, it’s a little late to be dropping classes, so what you’re going to do instead is to schedule the fuck out of your time.

You need to pick and stick to set dates/times for completing coursework and midterm projects for the next week or two. People do this in different ways, but generally speaking, people will assign projects/homework to certain days.

Example: Monday is Chemistry homework night because assignments are due on Wednesday. You only work on Chemistry on Monday. You finish the assignment and turn it in.

Tuesday is English homework day because assignments are papers and take 3 days to complete due to requiring 3 different steps: research, outlining, and writing. You do the whole researching process on Tuesday and do a basic outline. You will fill out the outline a little more on Wednesday and will then write the whole paper on Thursday so that you can turn it in then, before the Friday deadline.

On Wednesday, after you’re satisfied with your English outline, you will set that aside because Wednesdays are Math days. You will do the Math homework and/or study for 2-3 hours until your brain feels like soup. Then you will stop, do something relaxing for 30min, and then decide if you need to do more studying. If you do, repeat the study + self-care process. Go to sleep at a reasonable hour (before 2am if possible)

Do the same thing for your other 2 classes, assigning each a day and a specific task or set of tasks to complete on each day. Don’t give yourself more than 3 tasks per class/study session, because that’s how you get overwhelmed and into an anxiety spiral.

Apply self-care (breaks, snacks, drinks, music) liberally while doing assignments.

Other tips: figure out how you study.

If you study best in a group, grab some folks from your class and form a study group. If you are in STEM especially, it is expected that you will form study groups. This is how studying happens in STEM, medical, and law fields. It is nigh impossible to do all that labor on your own. Yes, I am serious. Make a study group, even if that’s you and 1 other person.

If you can find a study guide, take it to study group or block out an hour or two and do the whole thing. If you don’t have a study guide, make one yourself out of your homework/assignments and test yourself with flashcards or writing out definitions and forcing yourself to explain the different parts of cycles you learned in class.

If you are in a humanities/liberal arts major, you need to figure out if you study best by reviewing your notes, by re-listening to the lectures, by explaining concepts to others, or by writing it all out as if it was an essay.

If you need to write an essay and are stuck with where to start, reach out for help from a tutor if your school has one, or just start by doing 15 minutes of brainstorming to figure out what you feel about the topic and what evidence/ideas would work to answer it. Pick apart the prompt to see what it is truly asking you to do, write out the components of the prompt separately on a separate page and start answering those question as if they were short answers.

Then when you’ve got that, you can start noting bits of evidence to add to support your points and BAM, just like that, you’ve got an outline. Write a thesis statement at the top that addresses the Who, What, Why and How You’re Going to Prove it of your essay and you’re ready to go.

Example thesis statement: “The world represented in Oh God, How do I Study by Matt Deniigiq includes references to time management, course planning, and big-picture thinking to emphasize the broader theme that this one shit semester is not going to destroy student’s lives. This is evident in the droll humor used throughout the piece and the fact that the author keeps halting in paragraphs to answer emails from frazzled students.”

**yes, your thesis can be 2 sentences long. It’s allowed, I promise.

Know that these 5 classes will not end your life.

Honestly, like, speaking as someone who does this for a living, at public schools anything higher than a C is grand. It’s not usually required for you to list your GPA on job apps later on (I’ve never been asked). No one actually cares about your GPA in social situations.

As long as my students have higher than Cs in their classes and they aren’t like, nursing students, I’m cool with their progress, so give yourself a break if you can.

Also know that getting a low grade in 1 class as a freshmen doesn’t actually fuck up your GPA as bad as you think it will. Like, there’s a lot of complicated shit around this that I could go into, but generally speaking, if you fail one class (and I mean FAIL-fail it. Fs and D-s. None of this ‘UwU I got a C so I failed’), then by the time you’re a junior or a senior, if you haven’t failed additional shit, that F/D- is barely going to shift your GPA.

Like, we’re talking .1 shifts around then. Maybe a .3 shift if you’re at the end of your sophomore year. That’s the diff between a 2.5 and a 2.4. Or a 3.3 and a 3.0. You can make that up almost entirely by taking another round of classes and getting As and Bs (again, the mechanics are complicated, so you’re just gonna have to take my word here).

So yeah, shoot for Cs or higher and know that these classes aren’t the end-all be-alls of your lives.

(For context, if I get a student with a 3.0 or higher, I’m fucking ELATED. I’m not even joking. Y’all will be fine.) 

--

Start with these tips and get back to me if you want something more specific. I do this all day, every day.

[mallowstep]

What are your opinions on forbidden relationships in Warriors? I've seen people label it as a "trope" because of how common this is. Some find the forbidden romance aspect intriguing, though others find it extremely repetitive and old

I'd like to know your thoughts!

hm. well, it is a trope. i mean, there's an average of one major one a series, right? greysilver, leafcrow (and others, but that's the big one), heatherlion (and implied others), tigerdove, idk i don't remember anything from avos but violetshine luv her but there's probably something, bristleroot. dotc doesn't count bc well it's dotc.

anyway.

definitely a trope.

but that's not a bad thing.

what i think people don't give warriors enough credit for is that these are not all the same forbidden romance. most of them are handled in different ways and bring up different conflicts. i understand why people are tired of them, but let's not discredit one of the only good things in warriors romance: that they make forbidden relationships different.

like, with grey and silver, it's about loyalty and responsibility. leafcrow is just bad idea central, both heatherlion and tigerdove are about responsibilities and young cats, and they have two different answers, and bristleroot is challenging the whole idea from the start.

so like. give credit where credit is due: we're not doing the same (forbidden) relationships again and again. i don't see enough people talk about that.

okay so it turns out i have um. a lot of thoughts about this. idk i just kept writing and now it's over 2k words. so you know. under the cut: matthew does half-baked media analysis to talk about why the code and cats' relationships to it are misunderstood. while actually staying on topic.

anyway from here on i'm just going to say relationship/romance, and understand that i'm generally talking about the forbidden kind. also i'm talking exclusively within the realm of warriors romance, which is, on average, bad. so when i say "X is good," i don't mean "X is good in general," i mean "given what we have, X is good." just to be clear.

right! basically, this is a tool. it creates tension and drama, and that's fine. warriors is a soap opera, remember. soap operas use secrets and relationships and all sorts of plot devices over and over again. warriors is not Serious. it can be dark. it has serious moments. but it is not a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids. it is a soap opera for Future Theatre Kids. yeah?

from that perspective, i'm a-ok with forbidden romance. (also, as a mini-aside, it creates some much-needed genetic diversity when kits are involved.) and again: all of the major relationships are different, so i think that's better than a lot of people give it credit for.

yeah, heatherlion and greysilver and tigerdove are all about the same general idea (loyalty and responsibility), but they all have different circumstances and different resolutions.

so like? yeah. sure. why not?

plus, like, who's reading warriors for the romance? i separate the concept of "romance" from a "relationship" here: i like the relationships in warriors (ivy and dove tension my beloved), but i'm not here to read about tigerheart wooing dovewing. (yes, i do love the tigerdove scenes in oots. no, that's not because i think they're very good at being romantic.)

but i digress.

if warriors was a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids, i'd have a different take here. having been in an IRL forbidden relationship, i have the Personal Insight and Experience to say they're this weird mash of "very much how it feels" and "not at all how it feels."

tigerdove is probably my favourite bc it's the closest to my circumstances, and i think dovewing is a good pov. i like how she breaks up with him because it's a bad idea, but that's not the same thing as not feeling for him.

(heh. twelve-year-old me reading oots like "this will never apply to my life" what did you know)

but to the point, if warriors was serious, i'd point out that the consequences always seem to be internal. we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions. and so on.

but warriors is a soap opera.

and here's my actual thesis: we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions, because "forbidden relationships" are a normal and expected part of clan society.

like no, fandom-at-large, you're kind of missing the point. okay, you know how like. people complain about. idk. ivypool and fernsong being distantly related?

(third aside/very long ivyfern rant, i put a nice big "rant over" after it if you want to skip past it: they're third cousins. they share, max, 2.2% of their genetics. they are fine. do you know your third cousins? do you? yeah. and like. they live in a closed society. there is no one new.

i've never seen someone complain about forbidden romance and ivyfern at the same time, and i do generally agree we should have more mystery fathers, altho for a different reason, but like. idk. this bothers me.

their last shared relative was nutmeg. that's so far back. god. i get it, there was a prophecy saying they're related, but if you remember my rant about how dovewing shouldn't be a part of the prophecy because of how distantly related to firestar is, you know how i feel about that already.

complaining they're related and that's a problem is. deep breath here. it requires demonstrating that warriors has kept track of kinship all the way back to firestar's mother. and even if you wave that requirement, you still have to convince me they would care about that. this isn't a "they're cats, harold" situation, this is a "you would not know your third cousin even if you lived in the same town" situation.

i mean maybe you would. some people do. but my hometown has generations of people who married within its borders. you get as far as "cousin," maybe "second cousin" if you're feeling fancy. i'm not trying to make an always true statement, i just. every time i see someone complain about ivyfern being related, it strikes me as not understanding how extended families work?

i know third cousins isn't technically classified as a distant relative, but you have, on average, 190 third cousins. i feel so strongly about this i looked it up.

like i'm not. okay if you say, "I don't ship ivyfern because they are third cousins and that makes me uncomfortable" you are Valid. in general, you are all valid. i do not think you have to, on a personal level, be okay with ivyfern. you are free to do as you wish.

but. if you want to argue "ivyfern is a Bad Ship because they are third cousins" you have a hell of a burden of proof. simply saying "they share a great-great-grandmother" does not meet that, because like. yeah. we're all pretty damn related.)

(ivyfern rant over)

IVYFERN RANT OVER

right so. anyway. if you remove forbidden romance? you're forcing a lot more of those situations.

i've been messing around with modelling some small-scale fan clan-adjacent stuff to double-check the ratios for wbcd, and it's. it quickly becomes a necessity, is what i'm saying.

but i got distracted like. researching how related third cousins are. my point is not about that, that's like. a different topic. that i crammed into here because i have no self-control.

no, no, what i was trying to get to is: oakheart straight up tells us that cats have half-clan kits all the time, it's not a problem, no one talks about it. and that? that is exactly what we see modelled by warriors.

the only reason greystripe and silverstream have a problem is that silverstream dies and greystripe claims the kits. i feel very strongly that if she had lived, the kits would have been born and raised riverclan kits, that might, maybe, one day, guess who their father is.

we haven't had any half clan kits in a while, which yes! i think is a problem, but like. the fact that the three are medicine cat kits seems to be a bigger issue. which feels right.

and i'm not trying to argue what i think should be, i legitimately believe the text of warriors defends this, even in newer books which throw out a lot of the older world building in favour of more human-like conflict.

as readers, we are naturally following protagonists. we are following the interesting story. but imagine you're just a background riverclan cat. minnowtail, if you will. do you think, do you honestly think, anyone cares about minnowtail?

not in a bad way, just. if she's meeting up with mousewhisker at night, do you think anyone cares? of course not! no one cares. she's not a Protagonist. her kits aren't going to be prophesized about.

heck, finleap switches clans! and it's barely a big deal. it feels like one, but when's the last time anyone bothered dealing with it? that's what i thought.

(also i forgot like all of avos so that very last point might be a bad one if it is my argument stands i just literally do not remember anything in avos but violetshine. none. zero.)

but it's easy to get caught up with characters like hollyleaf and bristlefrost and forget that like. not everyone cares about the code. most of our protagonists do, because it's become mostly equivalent with being moral. and i have an essay draft titled "the code as religion vs the code as law" where i want to expand on this more, but i think like. that idea, that we as readers should use the code as a way of evaluating cats' behaviour, is flawed.

like, i'm not talking about being inconsistent with how that is applied. if you want to say, "the trial leafpool goes through for having half-clan kits is legitimate because of the code," i still think your approach is flawed.

because the cats themselves don't seem to think that way.

the code doesn't, to me, feel like the ten commandments. it does not feel like "you must do this to be a good cat."

rather, it feels like aesop's parables. "here are mistakes cats made and what we do instead of that."

i don't think the cats know the code the way we do. i do not think they memorize a list of rules as kits. i think they know what is and is not part of it, but i imagine they know the stories far more than the rules.

(i'm working on my lore stories to replace code of the clans.)

and even if that's my thoughts, i do think this is supported by the text. no one ever teaches the warrior code, cats just learn it in pieces. "don't waste food because we don't have enough to spare" is taught, not "there's a rule about food and starclan on the code."

that's why the whole arc of the broken code even works: the reason the imposter is able to manipulate things is because cats don't treat the code as a rigid set of rules and commandments, but guiding principles.

the parts of the code that we tend to focus on the most are relationships, apprentices, and battle. or that's my perception. i didn't do a poll to obtain that. there's also the leader's word, but readers don't usually think of that as a good rule, so i'm not including it.

but the parts the cats focus on most are food, territory, and the leader's word. which makes sense: those are basic needs: food, security, and...i don't want to say authority so much as some kind of social system. explaining it would be a whole thing. just trust with me, if you don't mind.

i don't think we have any real reason to believe cats care about half-clan relationships half as much as we do. yes, apprentices are chastized about it, but that's not really the same thing as being punished.

and it's hard to tell, because apprentices being punished has really fallen off, and that's kind of the problem with any argument i try to make about warriors, but.

wow.

i'm actually still on topic? i'm 2k words in and i'm still on topic? a day i never thought would come.

let's wrap this up. cats seem to care about half clan relationships in that: a) they lead to conflicted loyalties, b) they mess with borders and prey, and c) they are in the code as bad. in that order.

and again, if the code was some high and holy religious doctrine, we couldn't have the broken code as an arc. it does not work if the cats are already following it to a t, and know it word for word, because it's signfiicantly harder to manipulate people if they do.

not to the level the imposter does, at the speed he does.

and yes, you could argue that it's more bad writing, but. i think that discredits warriors. yeah, it sure has its fair share of bad writing, but i don't think that's in the way the imposter works. instead, he seizes on a big important doctrine that's nebulous, and uses that to control people.

and that? that feels much more interesting.

so with that in mind, i don't think the cats would care about your typical, non-protagonist forbidden relationship, and i don't think we should, either.

as far as a plot device, i think we're okay with what we have. don't get me wrong, i understand why people are tired of it, but i think we also should remember that warriors is not repeating itself. having multiple forbidden relationships is not repetitive. now, if medicine cats were having half-clan kits every series, i'd make a different argument.

but all of the major forbidden relationships have different outcomes, lessons, and circumstances, and for me, i think that's signficantly interesting.

i didn't really check sources and quotes for this, so like, if you spotted something wrong, feel free to correct me. my overall point stands, but there's a lot of warriors and i have a bad memory, so i could have missed somthing major.

[alwaysfeelingsaintlike]

Charmed I’m Sure [G.W.]

Description: George is in desperate need of assistance with his Charms essay and he turns to you. Working together brings you closer than you expected.

Pairing: George Weasley x Gryffindor fem!reader 

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N: I wrote a bunch of these short stories/one shots a while ago that I decided to post them on here! Keep in mind I wrote this one AGES ago, so I know this one isn’t great but it sets the scene for some of the others I have. As I post these, they should get better :) Also I’m new to posting fics on Tumblr so bear with me as a work the kinks out

                                                           X

 “Hermione, please!?!?” You heard from across the common room. 

“For the last time George, no! I will not write your Charms essay for you!” Hermione said. 

“But it’s due tomorrow and I haven’t even started yet!” 

“Sorry, that’s your problem. I’ve got other things to work on.” She left the common room and you chuckled quietly to yourself. 

“Waiting until last minute again, are we?” you asked George. He gave you a look that said it all.  

“If you’re going to give me the speech about being more responsible and managing my time more wisely you can just skip it because I’ve heard that one too many times.” 

“Me lecture? Never.” 

He rolled his eyes and you said, “Come here, what’s this essay about.” 

He sat down next to you on the couch and said,  ���Y/N, you’re brilliant at Charms! Will you please write this for me!?” 

“Write it for you? No. But I will help you with it.” 

He hugged you suddenly and said, “Thank yoooooou!” 

“Easy. You can thank me when you finish the essay. I think you’re putting a little too much faith in me. I’m a year behind you so I might not even know about what you’re learning.” 

“Eh semantics,” he said nonchalantly and you gave him a skeptical look. But sure enough, it was a topic you were familiar with. You helped him form a thesis and explained some of the critical information he needed. He put quill to parchment  as you verbally gave him some sentences to include. As you sat there with him, you noticed he started to form his own words on the subject and everything he was writing was accurate. He seemed to be comfortable working on his own, so you pulled out some of your own work but sat with him for moral support.

After several hours, he convinced you to take  a break with him. He set aside his parchment and said, “So, Y/N. How have you been?” 

“I am just peachy. Things have been going quite well for me recently.” 

“Things always go your way. Your Irish blood brings you luck.” 

You shrugged and said, “Is that why you wanted my help? Because I’m lucky?” 

“No, it was more because you’re wicked smart. And I missed talking to you. I haven’t seen you much this year.” 

“Yeah I guess it has been a while. It’s mostly because you and Fred are always working on a prank of some sort.” 

“And you’re always talking to someone different, Miss Socialite.” 

“Oh that is not true. I’m just friendly.” 

“Sure,” he said with an eye roll. 

“Any good pranks in the works?” 

“Y/N,” he chucked, “I know that you’re dying to be a part of one of our infamous pranks, but I don’t think you’re qualified.” 

“I think you’re underestimating me. Think about it, filling me in on a prank would be very beneficial for you.” 

“Oh? And why is that?” 

“Because I’m logical and detail oriented. I think of everything, therefore there would be no chance of error. And, you know, I’m fun to be around.” 

“I will agree with you on the latter part. We do need to hang out more. Outside of quidditch.” 

“Well you should remember that and ask me to hang out sometime. I’m sure you’d much rather spend time with me while we’re doing something fun instead of writing an essay. And speaking of essay...” George groaned and went back to his books. 

“Come on, you  only have a few paragraphs left to write.” He started writing again and you looked up at the clock and noticed it was 2AM. You let out a big yawn and felt yourself become tired immediately. 

“You sound tired. You should go to bed. I don’t have much left to write, I can handle it,” he said. 

You shook your head and replied, “No, I’m okay. I’ll stay up with you.” 

“It’s good enough as it is. I can bullshit the next few paragraphs.” 

“Nope. I’m staying here. If I leave, who's to say you won’t fall asleep?” 

“Yeah, fair point.” 

By this time the two of you were sitting on the ground in the common room with your books sprawled out and your backs leaning against the couch, directly in front of the fireplace. You started getting cold so you grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around your shoulders. As you continued your reading assignment, you kept checking in on George to make sure he was getting work done.

“How’s it going?” you asked. 

“I’m just trying to get this thing done. I don’t care how good my writing is as long as I get my point across.” 

“Okay,” you yawned. A moment later you found your head was resting on his left shoulder. He noticed but he didn’t seem to mind. Soon you felt your eyelids flutter over your eyes and you were out.

                                                            X

You woke up the next morning and found yourself in a room that was not your own. It was not the common room either. It was definitely a dorm but whose, you weren’t sure. 

“Morning sunshine,” someone said. You looked up to find George’s face smiling down at you. 

“Morning,” you mustered, as enthusiastically as you could. “Where am I exactly?” 

“In my room. See last night you fell asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you. I was going to carry you to your room but that wasn’t an option, with the enchantments and all. So I just took you to the next place I could think of, which was here.” 

“You could have woken me up. Or just left me on the couch in the common room, you know?” 

“Sure I could’ve, but you looked so peaceful sleeping. I couldn’t bring myself to wake you. And the common room was a bit nippy. I just thought you’d be more comfortable in my bed.” 

“Well that was very sweet of you. But where did you sleep?” 

“On the floor. I grabbed some spare pillows and blankets and-” 

“George! You didn’t have to sleep on the floor. You really should have just left me in the common room. I would’ve been fine. I never meant to take your bed.” 

“I just wanted you to be comfortable. Any gentleman would have done the same thing. Now please stop arguing with me because there isn’t anything you can do to change it.” 

You opened your mouth to say something but found you had nothing to say. Instead, you slouched and crossed your arms, clearly annoyed with his previous statement. 

“How did the essay come out?” 

“I showed it to Hermione already and she said it looked decent. I just need a passing grade. If I pass this, I pass the class.” 

“Oh, I didn’t realize this paper was so important...” 

“You did all you could. Most of it was on me, for being a slacker. But thank you. I’m really happy we got to hang out for a bit last night.” 

You smiled at him. “Me too. And it’s no problem. Really.” 

You left his room and headed to your room, receiving a few  curious looks on the way. Last night made you realize how much you had missed George. You used to be best friends growing up, but recently you drifted apart. You were still friends, but nowhere near as close as you used to be. You only hoped he would take your advice and ask you to hang out soon.

                                                           X

“Y/N!” You turned around to see who was calling you. It was George and he seemed very excited about something. You excused yourself from your current conversation and headed to see George. 

 “Y/N! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” 

“Oh have you?” 

“Yes! Guess what?” 

“Do you really want me to guess? Because I’m not a great guesser.” 

“I got my paper back and I got an O!” 

“O as in outstanding!? That’s amazing!” 

“I owe it all to you! You practically wrote the paper for me.” 

“Don’t sell yourself short. You did all the heavy lifting on that paper. I was just there for moral support.” 

“You really don’t understand do you? You are the reason I passed! I couldn’t have done this without you” 

“I’m really happy for you George! I can’t remember the last time I saw you this excited.” 

“I am over the moon!” He embraced you in a hug and picked you up off the ground and spun you around. When he finally put you down, you just smiled at him. Then the last thing you ever expected to happen happened. His face became suddenly serious and he leaned in and kissed you. It was a relatively short kiss. It seemed like he just did it without thinking because he quickly pulled back and his face was that of panic and shock. 

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what-” he started, before you cut him off. You grabbed his tie and pulled him down towards you to kiss him again, this time more passionately. He wrapped his arms around your waist and you reacted by snaking your arms around his neck. 

George pulled away and rested his forehead against yours. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he breathed. 

“Well good, because you’re about to do it again.”

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

"Oya, Miss Raven, I do hope you haven't forgotten what today is."

Jade allows himself a moment to orient himself in your otherwise busy attic. Once again you were playing host to yet another student of NRC, once again your feathers were ruffled by the commotion and energy.

It was quite enjoyable to see you flustered as you are when your attentions were pulled all which ways. Perhaps those distractions will allow him to slip past your high defenses.

"I seem to recall about a month ago you provided me with a gift, citing land customs. I too had researched about that same custom as well, and have come prepared for the accompanying day of returning the sentiment."

He holds out a tome, one with a brilliant sea-green cover. Whatever title that was written on the leather-bound book was in mermish, untranslateable to the non-mer layman. He chuckled at your stares.

"This is a first edition volume of a fairy tale from the Coral Sea. It is quite enchanting, the story of how the great Sea Witch, in all her compassion, gave the mermaid princess exactly what she wanted. I do hope you like it, Miss Raven. The Sea Witch's tales are all filled with heartbreak and heartmend. Romance from the ashes of tragedy. A happy ending as all creatures of both land and sea deserve."

His eyes twinkle in enjoyment as he places it in your palms.

"Oya, but I wonder about creatures of the sky? Fufufu... Happy White Day, Miss Raven."

I’M SORRY, SEBEK 😭 I’M SO, SO SORRY THAT MY J LEECH ROT THIS SLIMY EEL HAD TO COME AND DISRUPT YOUR BIRTHDAY TAKEOVER

This is a little late because I prioritized drafting my thesis and Sebek birthday takeover asks, but let’s just all pretend it’s still White Day, okay? Okay~

“H-Huh?” Raven scarcely had any time to react between Jade’s sudden appearance and the green leather-bound tome being dumped into her hands. The most she could manage was stuttering, “What... What are you doing here? D-Don’t tell me that you’re one of Sebek’s guests!”

“Need I remind you that I am a student of Night Raven College, Miss Raven? Thus, I am free to roam its campus as I please.”

“This is a private residence, entry granted upon invitation only!” Raven squawked, waving a hand around the attic. “Breaking and entering is considered a crime, you know.”

“Oya, is it? The front door was wide open, so I invited myself in.” Jade’s brows furrowed, and he pulled a sympathetic smile. “I did not think I needed an occupant’s invitation rather than my own. Silly me. It must have slipped my mind.”

“Don’t play dumb! You definitely, definitely know it’s a crime!”

The eel only laughed, tapping a finger teasingly against his lips. “If returning a Valentine’s Day gift is considered to be an act of criminal activity, then yes, I am guilty as charged.”

“Very romantic of you to say, Mister J Leech,” Raven replied dryly.

She avoided his eyes, allowing her gaze to instead fall upon the cover of the book she had been gifted. There were letters proclaiming the title--but they were unlike anything she had seen before. Strange points and elaborate curls adorned each character, forming small images that closely resembled symbols of the sea rather than letters. 

Mermish.

“You said that this is... a first edition of a fairy tale from the Coral Sea?” The bird rand a curious finger along the cover, tracing each intricate component of the title. “How in the world did you manage to afford such an item?”

“I have my ways.”

“Please tell me it didn’t involve some other crime.” 

“Fufufu. I have no idea what you may be referring to, Miss Raven.”

“Sure you don’t.” She snorted and returned her attention to the volume.

Her curiosity piqued, she flipped open to the first page to sample a bit of the writing. Raven’s heart sank upon spotting the prologue--also written entirely in Mermish. Of course. Why had she expected a book by and for merfolk to be in a language that creatures of the land could understand?

“I’m sure the Sea Witch’s story is enthralling, but unfortunately, I’m incapable of reading this.” Raven holding the tome out to Jade. “I’m afraid this may be more useful to you than it would be to me.”

“I insist that you keep it, as it is a gift from me to you,” he said with a gentle smile, pushing the book back to its intended recipient. “If you struggle to understand its contents, I would have no qualms with arranging a time for us sit down somewhere quiet and read it together. Say, over a cup of tea and a platter of snacks?”

... Ah.

Raven’s cheeks erupted into a bright pink.

I get it. So that was his goal all along.

Perhaps the party had already worn her down emotionally, or perhaps she was feeling particularly soft that day--but whatever the reason, she didn’t push him away. Not this time, at least. Instead, she just stood there, wide-eyed and stiff, hugging the book to her chest.

“Fufu. I take it that you are a fan of my proposal?”

“D-Don’t... Don’t be so presumptuous! I could just as easily ask for another translator! That would be a far smarter alternative to being indebted to you.”

“Is that your concern? Being indebted to me?” Jade chuckled into a hand. “If that is the case, I am sure we can work out some sort of equivalent exchange. For example, are there stories from the sky that you wish to share?”

“Well...” Raven chewed on her lower lip as she considered the idea. “Creatures of the sky tend to lack appendages for formally recording stories. We usually tell tales through strictly speech, not writing. In fact, writing is a relatively... new experience for me.”

“My, is that so? How fascinating. You really must tell me more over tea, then. In this manner, you would not ‘owe’ me anything, correct? We would be even.”

“... Fine.”

“Very well.” Jade nodded. “It’s a date.”

“... Don’t you mean deal? It’s a deal.”

“That is Azul’s phrase of choice,” he corrected with a polite smile. “I did not stutter in my phrasing whatsoever.”

“You...!!” Raven’s cheeks flared once more as her temper surged. “You’re... insufferable...!!”

“Fufu. So I have been told.”

But in the end, it did not matter—for the date had been set, just as he had intended all along.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (16/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note: 

I know I said on tumblr I was planning on ending the story today and apologies for dragging this out longer.

The final chapter is already written out but editing is gonna take me an extra hour or so. Also, this week has been hectic, work especially has been very hectic since I'm covering a job for 3 people now while they hire. I ended up getting a little sick today so I decided to put off a lot of the asks and postings until Sunday.

I could post the final chapter earliest, tomorrow night. Latest, I'll be posting the final chapter is Wednesday. I wanna get it out soon but there are still a lot of stuff I'm hoping to fix up so, apologies for not meeting the expectations.

Thank you so much for reading though. It really means a lot to me. 

As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

“You can take a seat Hange.” Shela’s voice was gentle. She had taken her time pronouncing every syllable.

Still, something jumped inside Hange as she heard it. She gathered herself together and willed herself to make eye contact. “Sorry about that...I got a little distracted,” she said. She was starting to get a little self conscious. Did she actually jump? Was her tone too jittery? Were her eyes too wide?

The woman in front of her seemed unfazed as if she was watching Hange do something so normal as to just stare at the room in front of her for a long few seconds. Still, Hange avoided her gaze and looked around as she made her way towards the sofa.

Levi had only ever talked about how much of a hassle and how much of a pain the whole process of going to therapy was. Over time, he had started ditching the sessions altogether. Consequently, Hange had expected an atmosphere that would make her feel a little more restrained than what she had felt then.

It turned out just entering the room made her feel the complete opposite of what she had expected.

Shela’s office was more spacious than Hange had imagined it to be. Or more full of life.

Filled with too much life in a way that Hange couldn’t understand. But it seemed to hold more than the average doctor’s office she’d been to. Maybe it was the paintings on the wall or the wooden bookshelf that stood so tall and wide it was an omnipresent in the room.

Either way, it was comfortable and Hange chalked it to the rustic feel of the room. The ambiance was just too strange, the shades of the wallpaper, the rustic carpeted floor was too indulgent of her senses and she could have been taking a little more time than necessary to get to her seat.

It looked like Shela followed suit. By the time Hange had settled on the chair, Shela had still been on her way.

Shela leaned forward from her seat and reached out a hand in greeting. She seemed excited, too excited. “It’s nice to finally be able to talk to you like this, Hange Zoe,” she said.

That excitement in her voice was enough at least to pull Hange’s focus away from the ambiance of the room and towards the woman in front of her. A clear reminder that she was there for a reason.

Or two reasons. Hange corrected herself as she pulled out her file. “Thank you so much for agreeing to go through this with me,” she said. “Since Levi started having sessions with you, we kept in touch so at least we had some history beforehand… And given your background, I thought you might be the best person to give me some extra content on my thesis.”

“For your review of related literature?”

Hange nodded. “It’s not yet done. I did research already on the biological aspect but I thought you might have information on the psychological aspects of it…” She pulled out a folder from her bag and slid the file towards Shela.

Shela was quick to scan through the title. “Looks interesting. What made you pick this topic?”

“Many things...” Hange said. “I thought I would be able to help more people doing this type of thesis. And maybe I can take further studies and---”

“Does this have anything to do with Levi?” . Shela raised one eyebrow at her.

“Oh? Was it obvious?” Hange asked. She deemed it futile to have even denied it then.

Shela started to flip through the pages of the draft a little quicker. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him. He never replied to any of my texts.” She stood up, gesturing for Hange to continue talking as she made her way to the shelf at the back of the room.

“He went home,” Hange said. There was an awkward pause for a few seconds and she felt some inclination to fill it herself. “Back to his hometown,” she added. “He probably wanted to spend his birthday with them, or maybe Christmas. I guess this is a good time for him to go home… He---”

“So Hange, do you wanna talk about Levi? Or would you like to talk about your thesis?” The way Shela said it was far from abrasive.

From her position, Hange couldn’t even tell what face Shela was making. Yet she found herself a little shaken, particularly self conscious she was taking up precious office time. And for a few seconds longer, Hange struggled to find the right words. “There are things I wanted to ask about… Like definitely, I told you I need to discuss the psychological aspect and…”

“Well, from what I’m seeing, this didn’t need a session. I could have emailed you the pdf file of my thesis and just answered if you had any questions.”

Hange only noticed then as Shela walked back to her seat that she had pulled out two binders from one of the bookshelves.

“If you need any more sources for your thesis, you can read through this.” Shela placed the binders on the table and flipped to the last page of the thicker one. “And you can check through my bibliography for any more sources and I’m sure you’ll figure the rest out on your own. Levi told me you were a pretty good researcher growing up…”

Hange felt the blood rush to her face. That only made it harder to grasp for the right words. “When was your last session with Levi?” There were many other things Hange would have wanted to ask then. Her mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.

“A little more than a month ago. A few weeks before your finals. “ Shela answered. She rested her elbows on her lap, her chin on her hands.

“Finals ended more than two weeks ago. I was hoping he talked to you before he left.”

Shela shook her head. “No word from him.” She must have sensed the disappointment in Hange’s face because only a second later, she continued. “But maybe going home would be good for him. He might find someone to talk to there.” Her tone was cold, disconnected and it didn’t look like she believed it herself though.

“I know you would tell him to write, he told me that much about your sessions. But did he ever tell you about his stories?”

“Commander Zoe and Captain Levi?”

Hange nodded. “Oh, he did. You see, I wanted to talk to you about that. But I don’t know either whether or not I should be talking to his therapist about this...But I’m worried.”

“Why?”

“He deleted the file.”

If Shela was shocked, she didn’t show it. The only hint to any emotion in the room had been the short silence that followed. “I suspected he’d do that much,” she said.

“Suspect that much? Did he tell you something? Was there something wrong with his writing? Is he okay?”

Shela shook her head. “ I’m not in a place to tell.”

“Why did he get so attached to his stories? Why did it affect him so much that he couldn’t even accept a death?”

“I’m sorry Hange, I don’t wanna waste your time here so I’ll be upfront with you. What Levi and I talk about here stays between us.”

“I respect that.” Hange expected the answer, still she kept her tone long and drawn. She still found herself clinging to some hope that there was something Shela could share.. “I want to know though… Is this because of the injury? He lost a lot because of that and I know I was somehow involved with it but I just can’t shake off this feeling of guilt. ”

Shela sighed. “You know, I may not be able to tell you what we talked about. But I’m sure you know more about this than I do. You might even be able to contribute more insights to this discussion than I can,” she said. “Tell me Hange, what went on after our last therapy session. Did he really have finals?”

“Yes we did. I was busy too so I didn’t think too much of it then but the weeks leading up to finals are usually more hectic for any student….”

“Would you know if he still continued to write after the finals?”

“He did.”

“You seem sure.”

“He shared the document.” Hange started. She unlocked her phone and opened her drive document. It wouldn’t be there, she was sure of that but she could have saved it and it would have still been there. She forced a smile as her mouth threatened to curl down. Hange was still scolding herself for wasting such an opportunity. She let her phone fall carelessly on the coffee table in front of her and leaned back on the sofa. “So I got to read it.”

“Did Captain Levi really die?” Shela asked.

“No. Commander Hange did.”

“So before he deleted it, Commander Hange died?”

“That was the last chapter I read. Then an hour or so later, I confronted him about it, he asked me to leave me alone, then the next thing I know he deleted the file.” Hange leaned her head back on the backrest and stared up at the ceiling. “But you know, he didn’t want to believe that Hange died. She burned alive, he described it so vividly in his writing but he kept telling me, she didn’t die.

“Oh?”

“If someone burned alive, they should be dead right? Maybe there was a sequel to it that he just didn’t write yet.”

“But if Hange were alive, wouldn’t Levi have seen it through instead of doing something so rash as to delete the whole thing? Levi has a tendency of…”

Running away? Not processing things? Hange looked back at Shela and nodded slowly.

Shela seemed distracted. She was staring at something upward, mumbling to herself as if finding the right words to say. “Trying not to regret things,” she added a few seconds later.

“Regret… I noticed that. With the jumping and the injury but I wanted to ask you, if you think the story is somehow connected to how he’s processing his injury.”

“I have theories but they’re not mine to tell. Have you asked Levi yourself?”

Hange was almost tempted to laugh. That seemed like the only way her body knew how to process the last week alone in the dorm. She had sent three texts, a question about when he had gone home, a birthday greeting and a New Year’s greeting. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore,” Hange said. She avoided Shela’s gaze. Somehow, her heart was racing then, her blood was rushing to her face much faster than usual and she found herself curling her fists into a ball, finding some semblance of control in them. Was she ashamed that Levi wasn’t talking to her? She shook her head. “But you know, I can try to talk to Levi.”

“What about this… I’ll contact Levi when he comes back. I’ll try to get his side of what’s been happening. Maybe I can even get him to reply.”

“Are you sure you can’t tell me anything now? Maybe even something vague. I can try to figure the rest out for myself,” Hange said. She couldn’t tell then if she had raised her voice.

Shela didn’t seem shaken at all. She shook her head again. “This is between me and my patients.”

Hange had integrity, she understood confidentiality clauses. She had been researching all her life though, and that side of her still continued to fight. Maybe if the hints weren’t all there, poking at her, just provoking, she would have given up much more easily “I just wanna understand it, I wanna understand him. Even if we don’t talk after this. Even if Levi wants to end this, you know I’m fine. I just wanna figure out for myself why he acted that way. I’m worried.”

Shela cocked her head to the side, her expression unchanging. “Believe me, I’m worried too but I can’t say much. Levi’s my patient and whatever we talk about in this room is between us.” She pushed the two binders on the table towards Hange and continued. “But I don’t want to leave you empty handed. I wrote two pieces for my dissertation which you might find useful, something personal and something professional, I can send over a copy of both of them to you over email. Or if you want a hard copy, you could have this photocopied in the library nearby. What do you think works for you?”

The digression had Hange’s lips trembling then. Shela knew things she didn’t for sure and Hange found herself tempted to even curse silently at that confidentiality clause.

She opened the cover to find the title page in black ink, in one of the most readable fonts.

Signs that suggest the reality of reincarnation and its manifestations in patients.

You got what you wanted. Hange thought to herself as she scanned the title page of the document in front of her. It was a cold and professional title. The researcher inside her should have been satisfied. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t ungrateful either. “Thank you, I’ll make sure to read it,” she said. It was still help anyway.

Another, much thinner book was pushed next to it.

Musings on a Past Life: Written by Kuchel Ackerman

“This is my own personal copy,” Shela explained. “It’s not something you should be emulating when doing research but… I thought it could give you some insight to your thesis.

“Okay, if I have some extra time, I’ll---”

No actually, let’s make this your little homework. I want you to read both pieces. And if you get a chance to talk to Levi again…”

Shela probably said something after that. At that point though, Hange was somewhere else. She had pulled the thinner document towards her and propped it on her lap, and scanned through it. She only had to read through the first paragraph on one of the final pages to understand why it wouldn’t have passed up as anything academic.

She wasn’t rattling off procedures, scientific speculations or statistical procedures. She was painting pictures of dark streets, cramped streets and a shabby one bedroom alone with a baby. She spoke of soft skin, a baby scent that never faded and illness. She reflected on loss, regret all manifesting in that last face she saw before she fell asleep for the final time.

A teary eyed face. A shaken voice begging at her not to fall asleep. And then nothing.

Maybe there was darkness, darker than the ceiling of the underground, darker than the room that had been hers and her child.

That was left to mercy of  Hange’s speculation.

It was only when she was alone in the dorm, two days after, did she reopen it. It had taken her more time than necessary to finish it and maybe it had been because she had ended up rereading whole paragraphs, flipping pages back more times than she could count.

And it was only then, after finishing that personal file did she feel compelled enough to read the official output.

She opened a page, towards an introduction, a foreword or a message. Possibly all of those at once. But it connected so seamlessly to Kuchel’s own musings.

A False Bottom.

All humans feel. Even when they say they don’t, they feel something.

Human psyche is an endless blackhole of emotions, knowledge and experiences….

There are still things psychologists cannot comprehend about the human psyche. All we can do is endeavor to make sense of it…

With this thesis, the researcher proposes that one possible explanation for unpredictable bouts of emotion, out-of-character decisions, the phenomena of irrationality is the phenomena of reincarnation…

Manifestations of our past life.

“And maybe there are emotions that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life.. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it manifests itself.”

And how many times did Hange allow those words to echo inside her as she sifted through page after page. Enough times at least to have her open a blank document.

As she soon found out, it wasn’t easy at all to embrace the blank document. She was completely aware she didn’t have to open the blank document, she had a half filled one already, having started on her own thesis a while back.

But something had willed her to do just that. Something inside her that wanted answers to questions, and it begged for them,  clamored for them and Hange was starting to forget who even asked it. She? Or Kuchel?

Musings of a Past Life. Hange had typed out the title days ago already. Maybe it wasn’t easy because it wasn’t her past life to write. It was Levi’s past.

Or so that was what Levi claimed when he wrote it. “Ugh…. What the hell am I doing?” Hange removed her headphones, closed her eyes tight, inhaled then exhaled. “Okay Hange. You wanted to write this thesis for Levi right? You read his whole story. This should be easy.”

She just needed to write enough to remember his story. Enough to at least shoehorn him into her own thesis.

“And after that, you never have to think about him again,” Hange said. She opened her phone again and stared at the last sent message.

January 3 6:21 AM

Wanna talk when you get back?

“I wonder…. Did you talk to Shela?” Hange asked quietly, almost to herself. But Shela would have told her right? But what if Levi told her not to tell? What if he just wanted to cut it off already?

It was an idea Hange didn’t want to entertain just yet. Thesis was looming, graduation was hanging over her head like some sort of dark cloud. She didn’t have time to deal with heartbreak.

So in the wee hours of morning, Hange composed a quick last message to Levi.

January 5 2:23 AM

Hey, I’m sorry about everything. I should have been more sensitive to your needs. Even if you don’t wanna meet after this, it’s fine. I had a great time working with you and I’ll remember these past few months :D. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Just assure me please. Did you get to talk to someone? I hope you did. I was just concerned. But it doesn’t matter too much now. As long as you’re okay.

And the next few actions after that were automatic.

Settings. Profile. Ignore Messages.

She had more important things to think about then. She had to admit, her inbox was starting to look a bit better without that thread she was constantly checking that had a string of messages that had been so pathetically ignored.

That last decision and the last few actions leading up to it had sapped more energy from Hange than she had expected it to. Or maybe it was the dim light of the early morning and the small yet strong light of her lamp that had her realizing how exhausted she had been then.

She switched off the lamp and fell back on the bed. The impact had shaken her to the bone and Hange found herself sinking into the mattress. She was happy to let it swallow her then.

The night was surprisingly bright. Yet, at the same time it had been a dark night, she was sure. She traced the sources of the light on the ceiling above. The light painted triangles, squares and straight cut angles. There were spots from other sources, maybe where the moon bounced on some glass objects.

Hange was too exhausted to sit up to see those refractions for herself.

She may have been too exhausted then to type in front of a computer or even sit up in bed so instead, she continued to count spots, trace the dim weak rays in the ceiling of her room, as she traced them back to the wide window, all the way to the point where she would have to crane her head to see what lay beyond. She soon realized, she still wasn’t tired enough to doze off.

The gears in her brain continued to turn. And they had only started to turn faster with all the intricate patterns the moonlight had created as it shone through the wide window of her dormitory room.

Should she close the curtains so she could get a good night's sleep? That question only occupied her for a second or so before she thought of something else.

And maybe there are sensations that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it breaks open.

But if these emotions transcended worldly experiences, if they transcended life, then they should be unfathomable, not worth the effort of understanding.

Hange though, had been a researcher for as long as she could remember. She had mottos. She had habits. She had unshakable ways of thinking.

Turning to her side was easy. It was a quick, comfortable movement and maybe she had done it to sleep better. Or maybe she had done it to just get a better angle of the stream of moonlight that entered through the window.

Her desk sat on a familiar angle. Her laptop was open but turned off. Her bag slung over the chair.

The stream from the moonlight shone over her canvas bag and down to the floor. It created a web of intricate patterns, patterns that had Hange hypnotized at that moment. They were angular yet they were round and it would have taken hours for Hange to trace them in her exhausted state.

Yet they were hypnotizing enough for her not to want to look away. So in an effort to keep up with the challenge the moonlight had given her at that moment, she continued to reflect as she traced at it with her eyes.

False bottoms. Sensations that transcend worldly experiences, Emotions that transcend the constraints of time and space.

“But if they are things that transcend human comprehension, then how do we make sense of them?”

Ironically, it had been in the most intricate of patterns that Hange saw the answer. It had been in something so mundane that Hange had to blink twice and question it for a second longer.

“Dreams?” Hange asked, barely a whisper.

If there’s something you don’t understand, go out and learn to understand it.

She didn’t understand Levi’s dreams. She didn’t understand how his mind worked. She didn’t understand the stories he had written out.

There were things she didn’t understand for sure but there were things she remembered.

And maybe all she needed to understand something, was the right amount of hints, the right amount of crumbs to make sense of it herself. Maybe all she needed was the review of related literature, the observations and her own analysis to write a conclusion.

The dreamcatcher hung aimlessly from her canvas bag like it always did. It had been something almost unnoticeable before. Only in the night when the moon shined on it, when it had etched a large shadow on the floor, possibly even a hundred times larger than the small keychain in her bag did Hange think about it again.

And she thought about it hard enough to reach for it from the side off her bed. She stretched her hand farther and farther and in the dark, her sense of distance may have been a little worse.

She thought she had been almost there and she was pulled back into that cruel reality in a single moment, with a loud painful thud.

“Ow!” Hange quickly got up, a result of that adrenaline rush from the harrowing experience of a painful fall from her bed. She unfastened the dream catcher from her bag, on the way back to the bed, she grabbed her phone, her earphones and sat on her bed.

That time, she eased herself onto the bed and under the covers.

She held the dreamcatcher above her, tracing the purple, the green. She knew they were purple and green but under the moonlight they seemed almost blue, and maybe she could have even mistaken the purple and green for one another.

Her only hint to the shades after all were the way they reflected the moonlight on themselves.

Eventually, her arms got tired, still aching from that painful fall. She slipped the dream catcher under her pillow and turned on her side. She put one earphone on her left ear, another on her right and she turned on her phone and shuffled her music.

The dormitory was silent with everyone gone for the holidays.

Eerily silent. She was used to living alone, it wasn’t anything new. But recently, she had frequently found herself missing him, maybe missing her parents, she started to realize the silence, the isolation that came with it was almost unbearable.

So maybe she had been listening to music, maybe she had been talking to herself a little more.

And those dreams, they probably would help. Hange thought to herself as she set her phone to her side, a good distance from the edge of the bed.

She had dreamt enough to know, she couldn’t control dreams. But if they did come, they would come in hints, puzzle pieces and maybe something she could easily write down in the morning.

So she willed them to come in that silent night. She whispered to Commander Zoe. She pressed that dream catcher one more time.

Hange closed her eyes, adjusted the volume of the music and evened her breathing.

The dreams would choose when to come, if they chose to come at all. All she could do was trust in them.

***

Levi would have liked to blame the snow for his inability to concentrate.

It was fucking loud. The patter came too randomly, Levi struggled to find patterns in it. For a few seconds at a time, the snow would patter on the window in big loud waves. Other times, the snow came in plip plops reminiscent of a rainy spring day. A few times, it shifted to something slow and gentle Levi could have used it to lull himself to sleep.

It was a piece of music on rubato, and the musician was just a little too keen on leaving his audience unhinged.

And just that quick thought at least absolved Levi of any blame. He didn’t feel too much self loathing then. Just utter frustration and maybe a pinch of sadness.

The document in front of him was just a mish mash black words on white paper and for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine they could be anything else. The top section was descriptive, very descriptive that he should have been able to do so much as to smell the whore house. He should have been able to grieve the loss of a mother.

But it was just black on white.

So Levi scrolled down three pages to find a source of investment elsewhere. He found vivid descriptions of life on a wheelchair, a frequented grave but for the life of him, he couldn’t even imagine the large tree above, or the vivid descriptions of airplanes on the blue sky.

But it was just words on paper.

“What do you think?” Hange asked. She looked at him expectantly. “It’s not a lot… I’ve just been working on this in between my thesis and I don’t have much going for me but my own memories… But I rewrote some bullet points while I was trying to remember it and I just thought you know if I put my own writings in between what you have so far...maybe it could help you process it.”

“Process... it?”

“But if you don’t wanna think about it, it’s fine.”

Remember? Levi wanted to remember. Those weren’t black pixels on white pixels, conveniently strung together to make symbols. They were vivid descriptions of another world, another life for sure. But why couldn’t he bring himself to invest in it… Anymore?

“Maybe I just need a break,” Levi set aside the laptop on the side table and leaned back on the bed.

“You’re tired, injured. You could even get sick,” Hange said. “I don’t expect you to think too much of it, I just thought it would help pass the time.” She looked away guiltily.

“I’m not angry about you forcing me to get my knee checked again. Jumping in the dead of winter with a sprained knee was a stupid move.”

“I know it was. But I also know you’re probably tired of hospitals already.”

“I am tired of hospitals. But you were right. When they tested my knee, it didn’t feel right. I’m pretty sure I tore something again.”

“It was swelling… And I knew we could have just iced it but, you know you jumped pretty high, you ran pretty fast, it’s kinda scary you did that with your knee... In the middle of winter of all times of the year? God---Levi, What were you thinking? Armin told me he’d stop by the field to pick up Mikasa’s things so you know if I didn’t go out to meet him just in case he got lost, I probably wouldn’t have made it. At least Armin had half the mind to text me when you wouldn’t listen to him…” Hange trailed off. “But I wish I had arrived earlier, maybe I could have stopped you.”

“You wouldn’t have convinced me not to jump,” Levi said.

“Why do you say that?”

“No one would have convinced me. I was dead set on jumping that one last time.”

“Why did you wanna jump?”

“Closure.” It was a simple answer to a simple question. But as Levi enunciated each syllable, he became a little self conscious about how pretentiously short that answer had been. It was closure, he was sure but there were layers to that answer he couldn’t comprehend for himself in that moment.

Hange seemed to sense it too. She narrowed her eyes at him and opened her mouth ready to speak before she closed it again and let her eyes fall on the hospital bed. “Couldn’t you find closure elsewhere? Did you have to risk your knee for it?”

“What do you know? ” Levi ran his eyes over his thighs and up to his knee propped on a few pillows. He started to feel the beginnings of guilt a second later. His intention never was to offend.

What do you know? That question had been for him.

You didn’t live your whole college life jumping only to end up in a state where you can barely walk. Was that what Hange heard? Maybe. She looked like she did. After all, she was blushing then. As if she had been aware of that slight vulnerability, she bit her lip, looked away and stretched out over the side of the bed to get back her laptop.

Levi felt obligated to reassure her. “You know I don’t intend to jump again. I wish I could. But I think that last jump helped me accept that that part of my life is over.”

“So, what next?” Hange asked. “Erwin mentioned you could get surgery to fix the partial tear.”

Levi shook his head. “And skip more school then hope I can jump again? The surgery isn't necessary. The knee can heal on its own.”

“But what about other---”

“Jumping opportunities? Other athletic opportunities? I said, that part of my life is over.”

“You had a lot of talent you know.”

“You’re not the first person to say that.”

Hange managed a smile, a smile that was far from happy. But at the least, it could be contagious. “Then it was an honor to see you fly that one last time Captain Levi.”

Levi could have sworn he saw something glisten as she crinkled her eyes, a supplement to her wry smile. “I was never the captain of my team. You know that,” he said.

“That wasn’t what I meant---” Hange had been meaning to finish, or at least she looked like it. The knock on the door though had been loud and it tore through that soft conversation.

Hange stood up from her seat and opened the door slowly.

“Erwin told me you too would be here. I finished up early today so I thought I’d pop in.”

Levi nodded in greeting. He had been too ashamed to say anything else. But he was determined at least to show some respect.

“It looks like you two are talking again. Doctor Erwin told me what happened and I thought…” The moment Kuchel made eye contact with Levi, her eyes widened. “Levi… You…”

Levi found himself particularly self conscious then, he looked down at his thick sweater, at his knee. “I sprained my knee again.”

Kuchel was quick to recover. “I noticed that much,” she said. “I was talking about…” She gave him a long awkward onceover. She shook her head.

She wasn’t the only one who seemed uncomfortable then. Hange hadn’t looked back at him since Kuchel had entered the room. Her whole disposition had somehow changed in that few seconds.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

Hange didn’t answer. She booted her laptop again and angled it towards Kuchel who had approached them and set a chair next to his bed.

“It looks like you managed to let go already Captain Levi.” Kuchel said, as she cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Captain Levi. The words whispered once again inside him, too softly Levi found it easy to brush it away. “You know, you were right. The emotions would leave on their own. It still hurts but I don’t see any reason to fight it if I know it’s gonna heal eventually. That’s how closure is supposed to feel like right?”

Shela shook her head. “Closure manifests differently for each person. But it’s normal to forget when you accept. Sometimes we find ourselves forgetting why we were ever sad at all. Or sometimes we just forget the details. Or sometimes it just feels like everything was all just a bad dream.”

“These past few months since the injury, they’re starting to blur together like some dream.” He turned to Hange who was starting to seem more and more uncomfortable. He chose that moment to reflects and he started to wonder why he had even avoided her in the first place. His next few words came out automatically “ I’m sorry what I did, and about our fight last month, I wasn’t angry about the injury if that’s what you think,” Levi said. The apology came out of nowhere, it felt misplaced. He started realize that maybe he should have given that apology much earlier.

Why then?

Hange had heard the apology for sure, but maybe she had just chosen to ignore it. “But Levi, you wrote these right? These dreams?” Hange said, as if she had taken his stare then as some cue to speak. She turned to Kuchel and to Levi, her movements seemed desperate then. She had at least kept some composure in her expression.

“I wrote them out,” Levi said. “But to be honest... I’m starting to forget why I did.”

"Emotions and dreams fickle things. They come and go when they please but sometimes we wanna keep them on record so we could relive it and process it. That’s why if you wanna grasp it and preserve it before it leaves... If you wanna be able to relive it, you have to write it down. This is why I ask all my patients to write things out. "

"Levi did." Hange turned to Levi. You wrote everything down right? You showed me a while ago, you wrote this and this… Shela, if they were his dreams, his emotions...he was writing it"

Shela’s expression was unmoving. "Those dreams weren’t supposed to be his. Maybe that's why they had been just a little more fickle. Who knows? Maybe Captain Levi just took it back already.”

“Why take it back?” Hange asked

“Maybe he fulfilled his unfinished business. Maybe he found closure.”

“But Levi you should have remembered writing it? You’ve been on it for months. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten these last three months right?”

“I haven’t,” Levi said reassuringly.

“Then why aren’t you thinking about it anymore. Why am I the one thinking about it for you?” Hange pressed. There was a crack in her voice and Hange looked ready to slam her laptop on the floor.

“I remember writing it. I’m just wondering for myself why I wrote it out in the first place. Maybe because I didn’t have much to do. I got injured, I was stuck at home and you know, those days in your apartment, those days stuck in the dorm, they just blended together.”

“But you weren’t just indoors… We went out to the mountains. You were telling me these stories and you were telling me how Commander Hange was like. Levi, I felt things. I remembered all of it. You can’t just leave me hanging like this---”

Shela cleared her throat, uncharacteristically louder than usual. “You know, you seem more relaxed now. How does it feel Levi? Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? Like you walk up from a bad dream?"

Levi nodded. "I'm just wondering why I'm exhausted."

“Of course you’re exhausted, you jumped while injured in the middle of winter. But relaxed is still a different feeling altogether, particularly compared to you the past few months. When I look at you now, you seem… freer?”

Freer? Levi shrugged. When had he ever been trapped?  

For a while the room had been silent and it was Hange who broke it. "Levi, I wrote everything out, about what happened to Captain Levi in the survey corps. You may have deleted the file but I remembered them. These were your stories. These were the dreams you had. Hell, if Kuchel’s theory is correct, these are memories from your past life."

To humor Hange more than anything, Levi reread the bullet points and the effort quickly proved futile. They were bullet points of events, they could have been a timeline that Levi couldn’t for the life of him make sense of it. And he found himself a little annoyed at her tenacity.

“You still have a lot to write Hange, even I can’t make sense of it,” Kuchel said from behind. She gave Hange a reassuring pat.

The pout on Hange’s face, the way it had darkened into something similar to disappointment, had Levi almost guilty. Her emotions ran deeper than disappointment, he was sure. And for a second or so, Hange seemed crestfallen, ready to leave the room. The only thing tying her to the room then could have been her own strong penchant for seeking answers,

“You think you’ll be able to write again?” Hange asked. She looked like she could have said more. It was as if squeezing out that one sentence had sapped all energy out of her.

Levi shrugged. “Maybe I will.”

“When?”

“When the inspiration comes again.”

***

When will the inspiration come again? Hange always asked good questions and if she asked a question that couldn’t be answered, she always had an explanation to follow. Or at the least, she knew how to phrase questions in a way that could get answers.

Levi couldn’t answer and Hange wasn't helping him either. The tense silence that followed, loomed exclusively over the two of them. Although the conversation had shifted to a dialogue between Levi and Kuchel, even when Hange had kept quiet, pulling her focus back on her laptop in front of her, or her phone, the tension never left.

Levi had attempted to cut at it by focusing on Kuchel. He had provided a long drawn out explanation of his own emotions for Kuchel and in return, Kuchel had provided a long drawn out interpretation of his explanations.

Maybe drawing the conversation out longer than expected was unnecessary. In the end, the only take home Levi had for himself then was that the past few months were a blur and any effort to make sense of it would be completely futile.

Kuchel left them both in the silence, mentioning something about another meeting. Alone in the room, in the tense silence continued to haunt. It was Hange who spoke up again asking that same question. “When will inspiration come again?”

“You sound pretty fixated on my inspiration. Maybe you should write the end for yourself then.” The sudden acceptance had Levi relaxing on the bed soon after Kuchel had left the room.

“It’s not about writing… This story in particular, it meant a lot to me too.”

“I’m sure it meant a lot. It meant a lot to me too but weirdly, I just don’t care about it as much as I used to.”

“What about us?”

“What do you mean ‘about us?’”

“About us… The past few things you were writing the story and you were talking about Commander Hange and Captain Levi. That was about us right?”

“You heard my answer to Kuchel, it was a blur.”

“No, I meant about us in the past few months. Are you angry with me? Do you want me out of your life?”

“You wanna leave?.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just…” Hange breathed out, shaking her head in disbelief. “You didn’t talk to me for weeks.”

Levi looked away, hiding the wince in his face. “I told you, I’m sorry I don’t even remember why I did it.”

“So do you want me here?”

“Yes, I don't want you to leave, I thought it was obvious.”

“Well it looks like it wasn’t so obvious, I thought you’d want me to leave. You didn’t reply to any of my messages and I remembered, we’ve only known each other for months.”

“I think 'months' are more than enough for me to realize that I want you here. For a long time. Maybe longer than that.” Maybe even forever.

Did he say that ‘forever’ part out loud? He didn’t expect Hange’s smile then.

Her eyes were wide open, her lips curled up into a big smile. The overall expression on her face had seemed unreadable. She could have been mocking him, she could have been freaked out or she could have been that good balance between surprised and happy “So what are you saying? We’re soulmates?” She asked.

“You don’t believe in soulmates,” Levi said. The facade of disconnect was hurriedly done, consequently, it felt almost shoddy.

“Fate?”

“You told me yourself, you don’t believe in fate either.

“I don’t.”

“It was a choice right? Everything that brought us to this point was all just borne of choice. You made the choice to work for me, I made the choice to cooperate and here we are.” Levi felt a hand slip under his and it grabbed him from underneath. Levi didn’t have to look down to comprehend it, Hange’s face had said it all.

“But you know, I’m starting to believe in this abstract thing called soulmates. And this other abstract thing called fate,” she said

“Aren’t you a researcher?”

“I have the evidence, Levi. Someone has been coming into my dreams too and she’s been telling me about you.”

“You know, they must have been some really good dreams if they convinced you to believe in them.

“They were. They really were. And you know what, they only keep coming.”

Levi had closed his eyes long before then. And the patter on the window had mellowed to something rhythmic and along the way it had softened altogether. Whether it had been due to the even patter or through her own volition, Hange had stopped talking, her breath had evened out.

And when Levi started to dream again, the shift had been too gradual, too kind. The dreams weren’t loud, they didn't demand attention. They didn’t make themselves known. When Levi opened his eyes again, the idea that he had fallen asleep had seemed almost surreal, unbelievable.

“You can go back to sleep,” Hange said. She seemed focused on something on her laptop again.

Levi looked out the window, the sky was dark but the snow continued to fall.

“Erwin told us we could stay another night.”

“Why?”

“We’re completely snowed in.”

“Okay,” Levi said. He had attempted to go back to sleep and it had only proved frustratingly unsuccessful. The confusion at having the view by the window so suddenly shift from sky blue to complete black still had him disoriented.

So he found orientation in Hange’s concentrated look then and the white of the screen reflected in her glasses. Even behind the glare, her long lashes were noticeable, her hazel brown eyes could still be traced, the shades of brown discerned. So he continued to looked, and he had managed to pass the time much more quickly.

“How are you feeling?” Hange asked as she looked up at him. The glare of the screen disappeared from her glasses and Levi found himself unable to respond for a second longer as he appreciated the unmarred view of her eyes then.

It was a lucid view of her then that sent a pang of regret through him. It was quick and if Levi didn’t let it wash through him then, if he didn’t give it full control over him in that moment, maybe he would have never remembered it happened, maybe he would have never remembered to appreciate Hange then.

“I feel like I just had one long dream,” Levi said. maybe the dreams could have explained the slight pang of regret then. But they were too far off already for Levi to look back on. So he surrendered quickly and kept silent.

Hange didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation. “I was writing.”

“About what?”

“About your dreams. I'm trying to remember what else you wrote.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t think you ever gave names to the two titans you caught for me."

Titans? Levi couldn't follow the conversation. With nothing else much to contribute, he nodded.

Hange continued. “So I named them myself.”

“What did you name them?” Levi asked, an attempt to humor her more than anything.

Hange’s face had curled to a smile as she spoke and she opened her mouth a little bit, exposing her teeth underneath. She seemed to be enjoying it. “Their names are Sonny and Bean"

Somehow, Levi was starting to get invested too. “Hey Hange, since we’re gonna be stuck here for a while, maybe you can tell me what a titan is.”

[touchmycoat]

on Promising Young Woman

i was hesitant to watch bc i knew a spoiler, but @trixree convinced me to watch it and i’m very glad i did. all things aside, it’s just damn well-written—pacing’s top-notch, every act shift was action-driven with a female lead, and it balanced the pleasure of a revenge fantasy against the soul of the story SO well.

thoughts & spoilers below

elephant in the room: yeah I hesitated to watch the movie because I know Cassie gets murdered in the end. After watching the scenes that followed, I...have a better understanding of why that was the choice. I still hated that it happened, period. I literally said “fuck you” out loud to the morning after shot, with the sunlight pouring down on her in the white outfit and she had her arms outstretched—yes, she’s a martyr, yes, she’s the “morning angel,” but fuck that, I didn’t need her to be a martyr. I so desperately wanted the movie to give her more than that.

Like Jenna and Wesley said, it was a superhero movie. That lasted until the choice to kill her.

Thoughts on why they did it: for the ironic morning after, where the audience sees not-Zac Efron sob and whine about how he’s going to lose his marriage and family and job after he just knowingly murdered a woman. Where we get to see Schmidt (fnjdnfjdnf what a casting choice, i lost my mind) say the words to Al Monroe that women like Nina needed to hear—it’s not your fault. None of it was your fault. We get to see the violent and continuous forgiveness of men that dead girls have and continue to pay for.

But my question is, what part of the movie managed to give the audience comfort that legal authority is the solution to this problem? The ending felt squeaky clean wrapped-up, yes, but the anxiety that ran deepest for me throughout this entire film was the fact that Cassie was leaving these men alive. All the men she’s found in the clubs, the man whose car she smashed, the entire law firm that specializes in burying rape cases—to me, every man she left alive was one more factor that could come back and bite her. That was my concern, and it was by no means alleviated by the scene with Bo Burnham and the detective right before the wedding.

I guess that circles back to the question of what the film is trying to be, though. It’s a different take on a revenge thriller. It isn’t meant to deliver a smash-burn-kill catharsis. Rather, it operates on a realer level. Which I love, actually! When she told the fedora guy that she’s not the only one who does it, it felt like a very enticing call-to-action lmao, and like a moment that ought to haunt the “good guys” that watch this film. The movie did so well to manifest and deliver the “enough is fucking enough” attitude that everybody ought to have about sexual assault under the influence.

More on why they killed Cassie: to really lean into the specter of Nina who has so haunted the entire narrative. Even handcuffed to the bed, Al Monroe never said the word “rape.” Nobody wants to, they keep skirting around it and refusing to acknowledge it for what it is. That’s why the movie does it for us, the audience. Instead of saying it, the movie gives its thesis on what rape actually is—a murder. A squeezing-out of a woman’s existence. Al Monroe rapes and kills Nina Fisher before the start of the movie, and the movie ends with Al Monroe killing Cassie. It ends with the violent burning of Cassie’s body, and fucking Schmidt kicking her hand with the childishly painted nails back into the bonfire. The parallel destruction of women is evident.

Did the ending feel like enough of a resurrection?

On a fandom level, I am happy to do the work of seeing the Romance in it. Cassie evidently anticipated her own death, perhaps even sought it—it’s easy to picture a fic focused on Cassie’s thoughts pre-bachelor party, where she’s just so happy to finally be joining Nina again. Where she gets to sign a text Love, Cassie & Nina. I fucking adore how much of an agent she was in the action throughout the entire movie, and the ending definitely did some work in resurrecting that agency.

On a real life level though, I’m so, so fucking sad she essentially had to commit suicide to get the justice she sought. She really is a martyr, but no part of the story indicated she was happy to be. There’s no relief in what she chose—it was simply what had to be done, because nobody else would do a goddamn thing.

Oh boy, the movie did so well to play Ryan as a good guy up until the very end. When time came for him to own up to his mistakes, he flipped like a fucking dime. Suck it #NotAllMen.

The evocations of childhood were interesting. We have the notebook, the scrunchie, the pink bedroom, the childhood photos, the juice box, the friendship necklaces, the painted nails. What is that doing?

- It’s a visual touch point for the arc words “we were just kids!” used as a protestation by rapists and assaulters to excuse their actions. Men get to be “kids” who made mistakes, women get repeated insistence that their actions have consequences, that they shouldn’t have gotten that drunk.

- It signifies Cassie’s vulnerability, her childhood best friend that she’s never been able to move on from. Functionally, I thought it was a brilliant way of grounding how tender the center of her story is, that she’s actually operating from a very simplistic point of pain and loss, considering how cool and violent she gets to be throughout most of the movie.

- It becomes a symbol for destroyed innocence when it’s the last bit of Cassie we see before her body’s burned. The movie re-positioned the meaning of this word “innocence,” I think. It’s not about women being ruined after rape, it’s about these women being people. Cassie’s last monologue about Nina does so much work to hammer that home—Nina’s value was never about innocence before or after her assault, it was never diminished. She was loved because of who she was as a person, but Al Monroe squeezed the life out of her anyways. Childhood and innocence become about the happiness that existed before men attacked, and the men get to symbolically destroy it one more time with a kick into the pyre. But then comes the resurrection, and in a way, the movie returns Cassie to that happiness with the last texts she got to sign with her best friend and a winky face.

The penitent lawyer was a hell of a narrative choice. I did accept it, and I like it mainly for what it showed of Cassie—that she is capable of forgiveness. By putting the scene with Nina’s mother right after, it transitions Cassie into a spot of hope pretty damn effectively. I also like that it didn’t take Cassie’s emotional labor to get the lawyer to that place, and that he was already self-flagellating (the dead plants behind Cassie in that apartment were a great touch) before she got there. I like the possibility that Cassie could have forgiven herself for not being there for Nina.

That’s why I’m so damn mad she’s dead!!!! She recognized how destructive her pattern of behavior is, and put an effort to stop that for herself and for her relationship with people she cares about. Yeah, Ryan proved an asshole, but it wasn’t even about him!! She laid it clean out for that guy!! No forgiveness. He was not an innocent bystander. He does not get to get away with anything, and all the ways he chose to behave after the fact just further proves it!

Cassie was stunning, and dangerous, and incredible. Narratively, she really could have gotten away with it. I don’t want to buy this finale, that it takes the destruction of another woman to bring justice to the first. I don’t care how neatly framed it was, that was not a happy ending.