#(afterwards she and James will enjoy everything)

[aquaticmercy]

Happily Ever Eventually

Summary : Sam and Yelena are helping you and Bucky plan your wedding. 

Pairing : Bucky Barnes x reader (she/her) featuring Best Man! Sam and Maid of Honour! Yelena

Warnings/tags : Some mention of food. Fluff!!!! 1 Frodo Baggins reference because Bucky reading Tolkien is canon.

Requested by : Anon

Word count : 1.5K 

Note : Finally been able to go through requests! enjoy!

Requests are open!

The morning autumn sunlight poured through the large windows of the apartment that you and Bucky now called home. Usually a calming and grounding space for the both of you, today the living room was a battlefield. Not literally, but it looked like a wedding had thrown up all over your home and threatened to swallow everything whole. There were fabric samples all over the floor, a million tabs open on every screen with internet capabilities, and a stack of wedding magazines heavy enough to crush a mouse if it toppled over and landed on them.

You, for one, felt like you were going insane. When you excitedly agreed to marry Bucky, you never anticipated that planning a wedding would be more challenging than taking down enemy operatives. You’ve been toying with your engagement ring nervously all day, using it as a fidget toy. 

Bucky, surprisingly, was happy and calm. His usual brooding demeanour had lifted like morning fog, replaced with a lightness you’d never seen before. He was beaming. If anyone had told you a year ago that your grumpy James Buchanan Barnes would be excited about centrepiece ideas, you would have laughed. But now, there he was, smiling as he leaned back on the couch, flipping through a catalogue of tuxedos, his eyes gleaming with excitement every time he turned a page.

“So… are we still going with red and silver?” Bucky asked, invested in the process.

“I don’t even know anymore, Bucky!” You glanced up at him, fighting the growing anxiety in your chest. “What if the food is bad? What if the cake doesn't arrive? What if the flowers die before they get there?”

Bucky leaned forward, wrapping his hand on your shoulder. “Hey,” he said softly, voice soothing like a warm blanket on a cold day, “We’ve got this, okay? At the end of the day, it’ll be you and me. That’s all that counts.”

A small smile tugged at your lips despite the anxiety threatening to bubble over inside you. He had a way of doing that—calming your storm with just a few words. “How are you so calm about this?” you asked.

He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, after all we’ve been through, picking out wedding colors seems like a piece of cake.” His smile grew as you laughed softly, but before he could say anything else, the apartment door flew open with a crash.

“Alright, people, I’m here to save you from yourselves!” Sam Wilson announced as he walked in with a large paper bag in one hand and Yelena Belova in tow.

Yelena looked around at the chaos of wedding paraphernalia strewn across the room “Reporting for duty,” she gave a mock salute, “I’m here to make sure you don’t elope in the middle of the night because you can’t decide on appetisers.”

You groaned, sinking deeper into the pile of magazines. “Don’t tempt me.”

Yelena sat cross-legged beside you, swatting one of the magazines off the couch with a smirk. “No, no. You are not eloping. I want to stand there with you, wearing an overly expensive dress, and I want to give a maid of honour speech that will make you cry.”

Bucky chuckled, reaching over to grab a pastry from the bag Sam had brought in for breakfast. “She’s got a point. Besides, if we eloped, we’d have to break it to everyone afterwards, and that includes Steve. And if you think wedding planning is stressful, imagine giving the old man a heart attack because he wasn’t invited.”

“Good point,” you admitted with a sigh. 

Sam cleared his throat, leaning against the kitchen counter, looking much too casual. “Speaking of being there for the big day, I’ve been thinking… about the rings.”

You shot him a confused look. “What about them?”

Sam paused, clearly trying to sound cool, but you could see the nervousness behind his eyes. “I mean, as the best man, it’s kinda my job to hold onto the rings. Do you trust me with that?”

Yelena snorted. “Of course they don’t. Do you even know where your keys are half the time?”

“Hey!” Sam raised his hands defensively, though a sheepish grin was spreading across his face. “I’m a responsible guy. I can handle a couple of rings.”

“You lost your favourite sunglasses in six flags that one time,” you reminded him with a teasing grin.

“And I bought new ones.” Sam shot back, “and I haven’t lost them since!”

“Calm down, Frodo.” Bucky was stifling his laughter, trying to keep things civil. “Maybe we keep a backup plan… just in case.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “I’ll put a tracking device on them or something.”

“Good,” Yelena interjected, snatching a piece of the pastry from Sam’s hand. “If you lose them, you’re dead.”

You watched your friends bicker back and forth, feeling a strange wave of calm wash over you. Maybe it was knowing that no matter what, these people—the ones sitting in your living room right now—would have your back. 

Yelena, more an enforcer than a traditional maid of honour, would make sure nothing went wrong, and Sam would try his best to act cool while nervously guarding the rings like they were the Infinity Stones. And Bucky… was still admiring you like you hung the stars personally, just for him.

“Okay,” you said after a beat, “I think we need to make some decisions before I lose my mind.”

“Agreed,” Yelena said, grabbing one of the wedding catalogues from the floor and flipping through it lazily. “What’s next on the list?”

Bucky reached over to grab his tablet from the coffee table, pulling up your shared wedding planning app. “Seating arrangements. We need to figure out where to put Peter Quill and Thor without causing any intergalactic incidents.”

Sam snorted. “Thor will sit anywhere as long as there’s mead in front of him.”

You chuckled, knowing it was probably true. But the thought of getting all these powerful people in one room was enough to make you break out in a cold sweat.

Yelena noticed your tension and nudged you gently. “You’re overthinking it. Put Thor next to Steve, and Peter can sit with Alexei. Done.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “That’s actually a pretty good idea.”

Yelena shrugged. “I’m a gift to humankind.”

For a while, the four of you worked together to finalise some of the major decisions—centrepieces, seating, floral arrangements, and cake flavours. You had to admit that, despite the occasional pang of anxiety, having your friends there to share the load made it all feel a little more manageable. Even if Sam kept making jokes and Yelena kept suggesting you use “advanced pyrotechnics” as part of the entertainment.

After a while, the pile of wedding materials had shrunk considerably, and you felt lighter than you had in days. Bucky was sitting behind you now on the couch, his strong arms wrapped around your waist as you leaned back against him, the steady rhythm of his breathing a comforting background to the chaos of the day.

Yelena stretched her arms above her head, putting the binder on the coffee table, and yawning dramatically. “Well, I think that’s enough planning for one day. Let’s leave some things for the next crisis.”

“Good idea,” you said with a smile, snuggling deeper into Bucky’s embrace.

Sam packed up the remnants of the pastries and gave Bucky a nod. “You know, you’re handling this wedding stuff better than I expected. I thought you’d be all panicky.”

Bucky chuckled softly. “I’m marrying the love of my life, Sam. I’d go through worse to make sure it’s perfect.”

You felt a warm blush creep up your cheeks at his words, and Yelena made a joking gagging noise. 

The former red room widow stood and stretched once more, but before she left, she shot you a grin. “Remember, no eloping. I want that speech.”

“We wouldn’t dream of it,” Bucky said, kissing the top of your head.

After Sam and Yelena left, the apartment felt quieter, but not in a lonely way. It was peaceful. The two of you sat there in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence.

Finally, Bucky broke the quiet, his voice affectionate. “You doing okay, doll?”

You sighed, feeling content despite the lingering stress of the wedding planning. “Yeah. This whole thing is just… overwhelming.”

He kissed your temple, his arms tightening around you. “We’re in this together. Besides, we’ve got Yelena and Sam. We’re in good hands.”

You chuckled softly, tilting your head up to look at him and nodded.

Bucky’s smile was tender, and for a moment, you forgot about the chaos you were in—no seating charts, no colour schemes, no pressure. Just the two of you, together. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your lips, making your heart flutter.

When he pulled away, he gave you a mischievous grin. “If it gets too crazy, we could always just elope, not tell anyone, and move to a different continent before Yelena could kill us.”

You laughed, swatting his arm playfully. “Don’t you dare.”

Bucky chuckled, holding you close.

With a sigh of contentment, you relaxed into his arms, knowing that no matter how stressful things got, as long as you had him by your side, everything would be just fine.

-end

[everythingisromant1c]

It's Always Been You - Chapter 12

james potter x fem!reader

summary - Things hadn't gotten much better with James, and you knew you could only go so long without talking to him—after all, he was still your best friend. But, considering all that'd happened, along with some encouragement from your friends, you knew the time had come to finally admit you wanted more than that.

wc [6.2k]

a/n: alr guys ... very happy and also sad to say this is the last chapter of it's always been you!! :( i've loved every minute of writing this series as well as sharing it (its become my baby atp), and it is definitely because of all the love and support everyone reading has given it. thank u to everyone stuck around to this point, & i hope u guys enjoy this last chapter!! i send all my hugs and kisses <3 - e

all chapters | <- Chapter 11

It'd been another hour or two until everyone had fully returned from Hogsmeade and dinner was being served in the Great Hall. You finally changed out of your dress and into your everyday clothing again, already feeling better, but that didn't mean you felt good. You didn't think you could feel good when both your brain and heart were hurting like they were. And worst of all, the one person you'd go to in times like these for comfort was the same person you couldn't go to. Not now.

The girls had been doing their best to get your mind off of everything that had happened that day, aside from when Marlene profusely apologized to you for letting Potter hear her outburst in the common room.

"Although, I have to say," she admitted afterward. "I'm not completely sorry for him that he had to hear it. I may be brutal but I never tell a lie."

That fact didn't leave you as you sat with her and Lily in the Great Hall for dinner, a number of seats away from the other Marauders. You recognized with a skip in your heartbeat that James was with them, surprisingly enough since you knew how he was accustomed to skipping meals in the dining hall when he wanted to be alone, a habit you both unfortunately shared. But that didn't mean he was enjoying himself either.

You could see even from your seat down the table that he wasn't saying much, mostly keeping to himself quietly, something so out of character for him yet you'd seen him do it constantly the entire week. You wanted to yell at him and shake him silly, but you also wanted to hug him. When you caught yourself in the midst of those thoughts you turned back to your own spot at the table shamefully.

You tried to force yourself to eat, catching your friends' concerned looks at your full plate, but you didn't feel much like it. Especially not when you still felt maybe a dozen pairs of eyes on you from every corner of the Great Hall.

Even with all that'd happened since just that morning, the rumors and whatever else people had come up with to talk about had not yet been forgotten about by the school like your friends said it would be. Then you thought about whether news had spread of your disastrous date in Hogsmeade, and prayed that nobody had caught wind of that incident either. You didn't think you could handle any more of the staring.

Immediately after you had that thought, you spotted a fifth-year in Ravenclaw robes walking past your table, watching as he blatantly pointed at you as he spoke to his friend, and you looked down at your plate with hardened eyes.

You heard Marlene scoff from next to you. "Hey!" she called to the boy. "Didn't your mother ever tell you it was rude to point?"

The fifth-year didn't respond to her but looked to his friend, hurriedly taking a seat at his own table, his whispers being drowned out in the loudness of the dining hall.

Marlene fumed from next to you. "I can't believe these people. Are they really that bored with their own lives that they're so obsessed with a bloody rumor?"

You shook your head toying with your fork. "Just ignore them. That's what I've settled on doing."

She sighed from beside you and you thought that'd be the end of everything, until you heard gasps from down the table. You looked up and followed the sounds and were met with a sight not even the magic of Hogwarts could've prepared you for.

James—your James—had stood up on the bench he'd once been sitting in, and you thanked Merlin he wasn't standing fully on the table; though you had absolutely no idea what he could possibly be up to, you knew it couldn't be anything good. He cupped a hand to his mouth as your heartrate picked up.

"Can I have everyone's attention?"

He didn't have to ask twice for it. His voice boomed out loudly, something that seemed to come naturally to him, and the noise in the Great Hall had died out in a mere second until it was almost completely silent—quiet enough for you to hear the beating of your heart in your chest as you looked up at him. Your throat went dry.

"Not that it's any of anyone's business," he started confidently to the hundreds of eyes now looking at him, tone nothing but sober. "But nothing happened in the broom closet. Or in the locker room."

You felt the churning in your stomach claw up into your throat, then felt it drop back down, keeping you stationed in your seat. He didn't give much context to his declaration, but with the popularity of the topic amongst the school, it didn't seem like he needed to. His voice almost seemed to echo, all other noises drowning out as everyone stared up at him. James looked around the entire room appearing completely unafraid and you didn't know how the hell he did it; you probably looked more fearful than him.

"So," he began again, "I don't want to see or hear anyone talking about those rumors any longer. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can answer to me. Alright?"

Of course, nobody said anything then, but you could see in their eyes that they were going to listen to him. Or at least, they'd make sure they didn't get caught going against him. Maybe it was from his impenetrably confident voice or his respected status around the school, you weren't sure, but he had that unique effect on people in an almost effortless way.

When it was clear he'd gotten his point across, he scanned his eyes over the sea of students until they found yours. In a dizzying way, it felt like you were the only two in the room for a moment, as cliché as the thought sounded in your head.

You didn't know what had motivated him to do what he did, but you could see in his eyes something fragile that juxtaposed the self-assured look they'd had only seconds ago. He looked away again and stepped back down to floor level once more, not taking a moment before striding out of the Great Hall, his form disappearing seconds after.

Even without his physical presence, his action seemed to linger over the room for a moment more before chatter broke out once again. You were still frozen in place, not knowing if moving would finalize the idea that whatever just happened was real and not just part of some wild dream.

Marlene had confirmed that it definitely had happened, however, when she turned to you with her jaw dropped, an amazed but delighted sparkle in her eye. "Someone tell me you saw that too."

"Oh we saw it," rang Lily, who also looked much too happy about that fact, probably just relieved James's antics weren't centered on her for once. You could see them both staring at you expectantly, waiting for you to react. You could also see the boys in your peripheral, the three of them remaining at the table searching your face for a reaction.

Yet, all you could do was stand up and walk hurriedly towards the exit. Dozens of conversations rushed past your ears as you did, a blur of remarks ranging from "Potter's lost it" to "He's so bloody fit." Whatever they were saying, you noted with gratefulness in the back of your mind that none of the conversations were about you.

You reached the doorway and stopped once you were a safe distance away in the hallway, heaving breaths in for a moment to yourself before finding that you weren't alone. All of your friends had followed you without blinking an eye, and you didn't know whether you found it endearing or inconvenient. Though, to be fair, you didn't know where you were going. You just knew you couldn't sit there and pretend as if nothing had happened.

You blinked at the three boys who neared you with puzzled looks on each of their faces. "Did you guys know anything about this?"

"No," promised Sirius. "In fact, James has hardly said anything to us since this morning."

You shook your head to yourself, feeling breathless. "I can't ... believe he would do that."

"Really?" Lily stared at you. "I mean, it's Potter we're talking about. It's exactly something he would do."

You couldn't fight the smile that tugged on the corners of your lips even as you shook your head. You ran a hand over your hair as the blonde from next to you hit you in the shoulder.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" You frowned over at her as she stared at you expectantly. "Go to him."

You stilled, gaping at her. "What?"

"Go to him. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

You tipped your head at her like it would help you understand her better, parting your drying lips. "I thought you said he was a selfish git." You heard Remus snort from beside you.

"I did, sure," reasoned Marlene, not without a hint of pride. "But only because I thought he was ruining your chances of moving on now that you were over him. But seriously, I can see your face when you look at him." She shook her head. "That's not the look of someone who wants to move on."

Your eyes flickered over her face as she spoke, an infinite number of thoughts overtaking you. In the silence of your thinking, a Hufflepuff boy walked past the six of you in the hallway, staring all the while.

"What are you looking at?" snapped Marlene, turning to him without missing a beat. "Did you not just hear Potter?"

Like he'd heard him loud and clear, and also like he was scared of Marlene, he hurried away with his head bent forward. Satisfied, the blonde turned back to you. At your conflicted expression, she asked, "Well?"

You chewed on the inside of your cheek. "It's just that," you began, not even knowing where you were going with your rambling. "I've spent so long trying to get over him. It's not fair to myself to just forget all of that, and it definitely wasn't fair to Sebastian-"

"For Merlin's sake," cut in Lily, to your surprise. "You keep talking about what's fair and what's unfair, but what about you? What do you want?"

You stared at her, beginning to feel breathless under the eyes of all your friends. "It's not just about what I want. It's not that simple."

"But what if it is?" she questioned. "I know how difficult this has all been for you. And I know you said Potter doesn't just get to realize his feelings for you and suddenly be with you, that it doesn't work like that. But what if it does?" She raised her hands at her sides. "Not everything is a perfect story to tell. Especially not when it comes to you two. It's not every day you fall in love with your best friend and he finally sees that he's fallen for you too. Are you seriously going to let him go because of some made-up system of rules?"

Your breath was becoming staggering now, and you didn't know what to think, because everything they were telling you sounded so right.

"I don't know," you began unsurely. "Of course, I don't want to lose him. Not talking to him for the past week has been harder than I ever could've imagined. I don't even know what it would feel like to have to do it for longer than I already have been." You blinked down at your shoes, truly realizing those things at the same rate you said them. "I think I just ... miss him."

"Of course you miss him." Marlene looked at you sympathetically. "That's why I think you should go tell all this to him."

You felt bile rising in your throat. "I don't even know if he'd want to see me after all we've said to each other."

"Are you joking?" Remus butted in exasperatedly. "Prongs is bloody in love with you. Can't you see that?"

"Remus," you warned softly because you didn't know how much more of this hope you could take before you did something you'd regret.

"I'm telling the truth." His voice was heavy with meaning. "Maybe it took him a while to realize it himself, but the rest of us have had to sit back and watch you both act like you don't have feelings for each other for years. Believe me, the only reason he's in his room right now and not with you is because he thinks that's what you want."

Your brows pinched. "You can't truly know that."

"Really?" he laughed. "What do you think we talked about that night Vance asked you out?"

Your expression faltered and you forced yourself to think back to the night James had begun acting distant from you, though it wasn't difficult to, the storyline of it all clicking into place in your head.

"You," breathed Remus. "We talked about you."

"Not to mention," Sirius added, "we're the ones who've had to spend every night in our dorm listening to him bitch and moan about Vance this and Vance that." You swallowed at your friends' words, but they didn't quit.

"And we know James was being a right idiot today," Sirius insisted honestly. "But you should've seen him this morning right after you two argued. He was heartbroken. More than he'd ever been over Evans." He turned to the redhead in question. "No offense, Evans."

Lily rolled her eyes lightheartedly. "Trust me, Black, none taken."

He nodded and turned back to you swiftly. "So for you to think that James would want anything other than to fix things with you and just be with you is bloody mental."

You stared at all of your friends who were looking so determinedly back at you that you didn't think you could tell them 'no' now. But still, your feet didn't budge.

"It's not just that," you almost whispered. "I guess I'm just ... scared. What if it goes wrong and we get into some ridiculous fight again? What then?"

Marlene took a hold of your shoulders, slightly scaring you in her resoluteness. "Potter just stood up and yelled at the entire bloody school and you're trying to tell us you'rescared?" She shook you a little, and your friends smirked from behind her. "Be a Gryffindor for Godric's sake! Go to him!"

Before you could say anything more, she was turning you around and shoving you a little until you had the momentum you needed to take steps toward the Gryffindor common room. You made it all the way up the nearest set of steps before you paused, turning back to your friends with a grateful smile.

"Thank you, you guys." You expected them to share the sweet moment with you, but they only rolled their eyes.

"Go, woman!" Sirius groaned, and you rolled your eyes back at them, but it lacked any real annoyance.

You didn't know exactly what you were planning on doing, but you didn't have time to think about it because your legs were carrying you speedily through the halls in your anxious state and wouldn't let you stop until you reached the portrait entrance to the Gryffindor common room. Taking a steadying breath in, you said the password and entered the room.

With everyone else still being at dinner in the Great Hall, it wasn't exactly difficult to find James. He sat in the common room, his brunette head of curls visible to you in the low light. They covered the majority of his face that you could see, his head tipped downwards with his elbows resting on his knees. That changed within the blink of an eye as you entered the room, his head swiftly lifting until he locked eyes with you, and you had to fight a shiver at the feeling it sent shuddering through you.

He seemed to think you were just going to go to your own dorm and ignore him, and he averted his eyes to look somewhere else, maybe the fireplace, until you left—but you didn't. You only walked closer to him until you were separated by only one of the couches, the distance still small enough to make your breathing quicken.

At the soundlessness of your stilled footsteps, James looked back up and met your eyes again, and he swallowed. Clearly, he hadn't expected you to make any move to talk to him that night, even after the scene he'd made in the Great Hall. The problem was that you hadn't expected yourself to either, and now you didn't know what you wanted to say first, because there were certainly a million things you had to make sure he knew.

"Thank you," you said, because you figured it was a good place to start. He nodded up at you, his eyes not revealing much of anything, but you didn't let that sway you. "You didn't have to do that, you know."

"Of course I did." His voice was stubborn, but too sincere for how little his expression gave away.

You looked down at your feet, letting a moment pass before speaking again. "Well, now it seems like everyone is going to be talking about you from now on."

"That doesn't matter to me." James's voice cut through the air richly, and when you looked back up from the floor he was staring at you meaningfully. "They can say whatever the hell they want. As long as they're not talking about you."

Your shoulders dropped at his words, and the way he held your eyes as he said them made your heart beat faster in your chest. It hadn't even been a full day since you'd last spoken to him, but you already missed him.

"They wouldn't leave you alone," he said concretely, his tone beginning to fill with emotion. "And then, I heard what Marlene said in the common room, about some girl harassing you in the library? I-" he shook his head frustratedly, rubbing at his forehead with one of his hands. "I'm just mad at myself that I've let it go on for this long. Or that I didn't even know that happened."

You already felt too emotional for your liking, the feelings inside of you swirling more aggressively at every word he said to you. "It's not like it's your fault, James."

"Well it's not like I did much to stop it, did I?" He seemed genuinely angry at himself now, and you didn't know what you could do to help. A painful lump was rising in your throat, but you stayed rooted in your spot behind the sofa. "And I'd ask you why you didn't come and tell me, but that'd be a bloody stupid question."

He shook his head, eyes becoming wistful like he was recalling a memory, one that pained him. "Earlier, when Marlene was defending you in the common room, the look on your face was ... I don't know. Crushed. Sad."

You swallowed at the memory, because that had been exactly how you were feeling, amongst thousands of other ways. James looked down at his lap.

"I just wanted to try and help, do anything to make that look on your face go away, but I couldn't. So I just kept replaying how you looked in my head, and the more I thought about it, the more I hated myself because I realized you were only hurting because of me. And that was the worst part. Realizing that it was all my fault."

You felt yourself wanting to take a step towards him, wanting to just reach out to him as the tips of your fingers teemed with the longing you felt in your chest. "James," you began, your voice hushed. "It's not all your fault."

You meant it. To try and say to yourself that you had no part in all the confusion between the two of you would be a blatant lie, one that you couldn't let James go on believing, especially not with the pained look on his face.

He only shook his head at you. "It is," he insisted. "And here you go, being perfect towards me when I don't deserve it." A muscle worked overtime in his jaw. "Marlene was right. I was being selfish, and petty, and a lot of other things, but most importantly, I wasn't being a good friend." He paused, a grieving confliction tugging at his brow. "That's ... that's not what friends do."

You went still then too, the word 'friend' hanging in the air between you with a weight that only made you tired. The truth was that cobwebs had grown in the house where you'd fostered that unforgiving title, and it felt like some intangible force had locked you both inside with it blindly.

"Yeah, well," you began, your voice small, "we've been doing plenty of things that friends don't do, lately.Like you said, we kissed, right?" You let out a breathy sound like a laugh that lacked any joy, and the way James's eyes flickered up at you knocked the rest of the air right out of you.

"About that," he began hesitantly, and you could tell he was thinking about both the night it'd happened and that morning when you'd fought, just like you were. "I know you don't want that to mean anything, so it- ... it doesn't have to. Even if I want it to. Because it doesn't matter what I want—what matters to me is you."

You were thankful you had the couch next to you to brace a hand on, because you'd never felt so swept up by a conversation and you weren't sure how much longer you could stand the way your heart was nagging at you.

"You were right," swore James, but the slight shake of his eyes back and forth on your face didn't look as adamant as he sounded. "It's not fair for me to expect something from you when you already got over me."

The words you'd shouted at him in Hogsmeade that morning sounded foreign and wrong coming from his lips, and you knew the months of dishonesty that laced them like you knew the back of your hand.

"And it's too late now, I get that." His voice went from deep and determined to on the cusp of breaking, and it killed you. "I just want to know that you're happy, and if being happy means being with Vance instead of me, then ... I can deal with that."

You watched as he swallowed, like he was forcing the words to come from his lips even if it pained him. The way he hadn't broken eye contact with you the whole while was starting to make your head spin.

Your blinking sped up, maybe holding back the emotion you knew you was fighting to come out, and you whispered, "James."

Maybe you hadn't been loud enough, or maybe he just knew you'd try to disagree with him again, but he only continued determinedly at you.

"I know I probably went and ruined your chances with Vance, like an idiot, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you another date with him." He nodded at you once firmly, and within a second he was standing up, taking an intentional step forward. "Hell, I'll even go talk to him right now and-"

"James," you called again, louder this time. "Stop."

You put a hand out and it landed on his arm softly but firmly, and all you could was pray you could find the right words to say to him as he stared at you, level with you now in an unsteadying way.

"You didn't ruin my chances with Sebastian. It wouldn't have worked out regardless, even if I'd wanted it to. Because being with him isn't what I want." You shook your head, recalling back what James had said to you only moments before. "He wouldn't have made me happy." You sounded desperate now. "He's not you."

James stilled, his glistening eyes the only thing showing movement as they danced across your face intensely, though you saw them widen with something bright like hope. "What?"

The confusion of the word that he'd practically whispered out unspeakably attested to how you felt yourself, the terrain of the land you were exploring right there and then with James uncharted and rocky. You pushed on, knowing there was no going back now.

"Marlene wasn't completely right, James. She only said all of those things because I'd spent all this time trying to convince her—and myself—that I didn't still have feelings for you. But I do, clearly." You tipped your head down for a moment in exasperation and exhaustion, willing yourself to keep going. "Everyone can see it. All of our friends. Hell, even Sebastian could see it." You laughed, though your eyes were growing blurry. "So for me to try to push those feelings down any longer would just be lying to you and to myself." You let out an exasperated breath. "And I'm so sick of lying."

Your shoulders sunk as you stood there, a steadily shrinking distance between you and James that was both comforting and daunting to you. You couldn't do anything but watch as James's face stilled and then shifted as he thought, studying your own face in a way that made you conscious of every shift in your expression.

"I just," he began, and then raked a hand through his hair. "Why did you feel like you needed to hide how you felt in the first place?"

You felt your mouth go dry at the question—one you knew came only out of a desperate curiosity and nothing else—and your mind began spinning. The last few years of your friendship seemed to swirl in your head, flickering in and out of focus as you tried to come up with an answer.

"I-" you began, willing yourself to say something, anything at all. "I was scared." The words rang true so much that they made your heart pinch. "Scared that you wouldn't feel the same and I'd go and ruin everything. That I'd lose you."

James's hands lifted up from his sides like he wanted to reach out to you, and he did. He took your hand in his, grasping lightly at your fingertips in a touch that steadied you and made you feel lightheaded at the same time. He shook his head at you with a firm hold in his brow.

"You could never lose me."

His lips were parted, and his hazel eyes glistened over in the low common room lighting like the thought of your suggestion was painful enough on its own. Looking at him then, his face lined with years of a comforting, steadying familiarity, you knew deep in your chest that what he said was true. But that didn't alter all that you'd felt for the past number of years.

"It's not just that," you said, looking down at his hand that held yours and blinking away the guilt that crept into your stomach, because it wasn't James's fault that you had felt this way. "Even in Hogsmeade, James." Your voice was becoming unsteady again and it only frustrated you more. "What if everything you said you felt for me was just some spur-of-the-moment thing from some kiss? What if you didn't feel the same way a week from now? Or a month? I knew I wouldn't be able to get over that fear. Especially when I'd been hiding how I felt from you for years. And then there were your feelings for Lily to think about and ... I don't know."

You trailed off, finally able to stop yourself. You felt petty, so petty, because you were so close to getting what you knew your heart wanted, but you felt the insistent need to ruin things for yourself and think of every way things could go wrong. You'd never felt closer to James then, but also never farther away. All you could do was stand there and wait for him to say something, anything.

James stayed unmoving for a beat staring at you, wordlessly taking everything in with a fragility in the air that hallowed your labored breathing. Then he started to shake his head like he was in disbelief. He ran a hand through his brown hair.

"For Merlin's sake."

His voice was low, a mutter, and he stared at the ground for a moment in thought before dropping the hand that once held yours, turning and walking away from you, leaving up the steps to his dorm room. You watched his back as he disappeared, your fingertips feeling cold and empty.

You felt your blinking speed up in a dizzying confusion. You didn't know what had come over you, not even sure exactly what you'd said in all of your desperate rambling that had made him decide to leave, but your vision started to blur even more than it already had until you recognized the wetness forming beside your eyes.

Nothing made sense. Not then, and not in the last twenty-four hours. You moved until you were sitting down on the couch in front of you, feeling lightheaded as the fireplace crackled a few feet away. The light from outside had left with the sun and the room had a comforting kind of warm lighting, though even that did little to soothe you as you sat there with all the unresolved feelings within you.

You were confused and lost and wanted nothing more than to just fix things, but you were even more at a loss for words when you heard quick footsteps coming from the staircase James had left from, and then saw his returning form making its way down the steps.

You turned your head to him swiftly in confusion, following him and his soft but energetic steps as he came to sit next to you, and that was when you noticed he was holding something—a box. One that was tattered on the corners, its black fabric aged and dusting over.

You wiped at your eyes quickly, brows tugging in all your bewilderment as you waited for James to explain.

"I-" he began, and stopped as soon as his eyes focused more on your face. You must've looked as broken as you felt, and at seeing the look on your face, he held one of your hands in his before swiping across your cheek gently with the pad of his thumb.

You felt like wilting under his soft touch that you'd missed more than anything in the confusing weeks, mentally and physically exhausted from everything but still wanting more than anything to understand.

When you looked perhaps more stable, he looked back at the box that he'd set down beside him and placed it on his lap delicately as he spoke, his words echoing out slowly.

"I know you think I've just realized my feelings for you a week ago, and that they came from some kiss at a party. But, you have to believe me when I say that they're so much more than that." He placed the box in your hands, and you took it from him with a note of fragility, resting it atop your legs. His eyes bore into yours, like it would break him if you couldn't understand the words leaving his lips. He took a shaky breath in. "I need you to know, more than anything, that you're everything to me. You always have been."

Your lips began to shake at the earth-shattering words coming from your best friend's lips. "James, what-"

He stopped you with a gesture of his head that told you to look inside the box, and you did. Carefully, you lifted the flimsy cardboard top and placed it to the side, brows pulling together tight and something loud and hearty threatening to pull from your chest. You shook your head as tears began to well over your eyes again as you recognized what James had given you.

The box, the measly and old mess of cardboard and paper, was full of all the letters you'd written to him over the years—all the thank you notes, the letters you'd sent him from that summer and all the past ones—every single one of them. Your eyes raked over each of them when you felt too stunned to use your hands, but your heart still felt touched by the memories of each one all the same. It took everything in you not to release the sob you felt rising in your lungs.

"It's you. It's always been you."

James's eyes never left your face as you took everything in, the look behind them never having seemed so determined, so desperate. But there was something behind the way he looked at you, something so warm and honest, so familiar that you felt ridiculous for never noticing it before. And when your gaze flickered downward for a second in contemplation he tipped his head to follow it endearingly.

"Always," he promised. "Not Evans, not anyone else. I know I'm a bloody idiot, and I know I haven't been great at showing my emotions when it comes to you, but that's because it's you, and you mean everything to me and have since we were kids, and if this can't make you see that then I promise I'll spend every day trying to make up for it, and-"

"James." You stopped him, not knowing how much longer you could take sitting next to him and not getting rid of the frustrated crease between his brows, or how much longer you could ignore the thrum of your heart that called out to him so clearly now.

"Yeah?" he asked, and his eyes were like a deer in headlights. The warmth in their color reflected the simmering warmth from the fireplace, but that didn't compare to the fire that lay behind his gaze.

You placed the box, his box of the last six years of your friendship and then some, atop the couch next to you, and didn't wait another second before engulfing him in a hug. Your body crashed into his as he leaned back against the couch, his hands coming up to embrace you right away, and you heard him breathe a smile by your ear before he laughed, a perfect noise.

You felt like laughing then too, and crying, and everything else, because you couldn't remember the last time you'd gotten to hold him like this without the fear of revealing too much to him nagging at you. Your cheek pressed against his neck, his curls fanned against the top of your head, his hands held you tight, and you never wanted to leave the safety of his arms. Except to do one thing.

You pulled away from the hug and so did James after a second, his eyes wide and glistening but truly happy. He was smiling widely, his lopsided grin appearing after days like the sun after a storm, and you loved the sight more than anything, locking it away in the back of your mind as a memory you'd keep forever, like the box that sat next to you.

You laid a hand on his chest, another on his cheek, and James grasped the one that was flattened on his chest in his own, quickly glancing down at your hand in his like he couldn't believe he was holding it. He pulled you into him with it and leaned his head on yours.

"It's always been you, too," you whispered, and his eyes glanced down at your lips as you said the quiet words that'd been lingering on your lips for much too long. You had to push away your smile because you were aching to just kiss him like you'd wanted to for years. With a courage that could've only come from Godric himself, you finally did.

You leaned in until your lips met, a flutter of skin dancing shyly together until you leaned into him even further, and suddenly it felt like the crash of a wave, and sounded like the earth was moving beneath your feet, the sound of something right—and this time, you knew it felt the same for him too, because you could feel his boyish grin that you'd spent years admiring tugging against your lips.

You were kissing your best friend. For real this time. It felt so impossible for your mind to imagine such a thing, but luckily it didn't have to.

James moved his hands but they never left you, one sliding through your hair smoothly and one delicately holding your waist like you were something fragile. Butterflies fluttered through you at his touch, something familiar but foreign, wrong but also right, and somessilyperfect. You couldn't believe you'd spent all those years just a few words away from getting to feel it, getting to be surrounded by it.

You pulled away after a moment, your lips feeling puffy and burning with the heat of his kiss, but all you could think about was how free you felt, how happy you were that he was finally yours.

James looked down at you, his eyes dancing all across your face and stopping on your lips, and then somehow growing even warmer when they met yours again.

"I can't-" he began with a slight disbelieving shake of his head, voice coming out breathless and dazed as heat flushed into your own cheeks at the sight. "I can't believe..."

You laughed, feeling out of breath too, and adjusted the glasses that now perched crookedly on James's nose in an agonizingly cute way.

"Me neither," you finished for him, because you knew just how he felt, a secret the both of you shared; it was the only secret you still wanted to keep.

And it was a feeling you never wanted to have to live without again. Though now, with him in your arms and his familiar chocolate curls still brushing against your forehead, you knew you would never have to.

taglist!!

@hisparentsgallerryy @msmk11 @garfieldsladybird @empath-bunny @urmykindofwoman @bambi-jp @babyclea @kenjikishimotoswifey @cloudroomblog @the-marauders-mapp @mooonyxoxo @imgondeletedis @moon-flowerrs @fruticake @arey0usirius @marauroon @swiftsgirlfriend @jamieolivia27 @magicwithaknife

[pascaloverx]

NO LIGHT

SUMMARY: Your life is simple. You are a pastry chef who has just opened a bakery near your home. A new life, being a new person. But when James Barnes shows up at your bakery injured, asking you to offer him shelter, your life takes a sudden turn.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The characters in this fanfiction are not my creation and all belong to the Marvel universe. This story will feature scenes of violence, brief intense intimate moments, and inappropriate language. To the readers, I wish you a good read and ask that you engage with the fanfiction if you like it. Do not interact with this fanfiction if you are underage. Enjoy reading.

FOUR SIX

FIVE

You put on a dress your mother gave you some time ago, one she called the "husband-catcher," telling you to wear it when you wanted someone special’s attention. Well, for tonight’s dinner, you want Steve Rogers' attention on you. You leave your hair down, choose the least uncomfortable pair of heels you could find at the last minute, apply light makeup, and a slightly bold red lipstick. You add a necklace that complements your neckline. Honestly, you feel like a seductive spy heading on a mission. Butterflies flutter in your stomach, but as you look at yourself in the mirror, you try to convince yourself that you can fool the handsome Rogers.

Grabbing your bag, you lock the door to your apartment, wave to the camera Barnes installed at the entrance, and head out for your meeting with Steve. It doesn’t take long to reach the restaurant on foot, as it's just across from your bakery. One of the perks of living close to work. From a distance, you spot Steve Rogers, sitting at one of the outside tables. He’s dressed in an elegant navy blue suit, his hair neatly in place with not a strand out of order, and his beard freshly trimmed. This man knows how to dress for a date — though this will be more of an interrogation.

"You take my breath away, Y/N. If your plan was to distract me with your charm, it’s already working," Steve says the moment he sees you approaching. You try to exude as much sex appeal as possible, making sure the slit in your dress is on full display while offering him a gentle smile.

"I believe you think I value your opinion on many matters. But thank you for the compliment, I do try to perfect my charm when I'm about to be interrogated by a stranger regarding someone he assumes I know." You respond boldly, watching as Steve pulls out the chair for you to sit. After settling into your seat and adjusting your bag, you realize you're actually sitting in a restaurant with a very handsome man. Your cheeks grow warm, which feels odd given how cool the evening is.

"You know Bucky, it’s only a matter of time before you admit it. I’d even bet you saw him before this meeting. That’s why you closed your bakery early, and don’t tell me it was just to get ready for our date. You look stunning, but I’m not an idiot. What did he tell you to do? Lie outright, I’m sure of it." Steve seems to know Barnes all too well, sounding completely convinced that he’s uncovered everything you’ve been hiding. You take a sip of water, trying to calm yourself.

"It's astounding how you think admitting to being a stalker is somehow better than understanding that I have no idea who the hell your friend is. Yes, he may have been a customer of mine. If you haven’t noticed, I serve a lot of people—including you. And as much as you don't deserve it, I closed my bakery early because I needed to prepare myself, not just by putting on a nice dress and makeup, but mentally. This is the first date I've had since I lost my trust in men. If you want to know why, it's because my fiancé cheated on me with my best friend. The week of our wedding. If you want more details, I smashed a vase over his head, he had to get over five stitches, and it was the first time I got arrested. He dropped the charges afterward because he felt guilty. Since then, I've been focusing on my bakery. So, tell me, smart guy—are you satisfied?" You speak with a certain flair, feigning near tears as you recount the story. You're lying, of course, about several details, but the performance is convincing enough.

Steve extends his hand across the table, gently holding yours and caressing it. You look at him with teary eyes while he gazes back at you like you're a lost puppy. "Where did Barnes find you? Until now, I thought you were just a regular bakery owner, but you're something else. If you tell me you know how to use a weapon, I’ll personally see to it that you become an agent." He laughs right after, clearly amused by your act.

You sigh in frustration, pulling your hand away from his, but he grabs it again, moving his chair closer to yours. He then pulls your neck towards him to whisper into your ear, "I'm starting to enjoy your lies. You can keep feeding them to me, but I’d prefer if you cut the nonsense and told me something real."

"I haven’t been fucked in almost a year. Am I lying or telling the truth?" You give up trying to fool Steve and decide to shift the conversation. You're still holding his gaze when the waiter clears his throat to get both of your attention. Your eyes dart away from Steve's as you straighten up in your chair, adjusting yourself. Rogers, too, composes himself, though he’s still chuckling at the situation.

“Gentlemen, I apologize for the interruption, but I would like to know if you are ready to place your order. For today, the merlot paired with the chef's special pizza is highly recommended,” the waiter says politely, clearly embarrassed.

"We'll go with your recommendation," Steve replies with a broad smile, as if he’s having the time of his life. What a complete idiot. The waiter notes down the order and quickly heads off to fetch the wine, leaving you and Rogers alone again.

"You saw he was coming over and didn't warn me on purpose, right?" you ask, a bit furious, looking at him as if you could kill him.

"Let’s say I didn’t see him coming, just like you don’t know Bucky. But let’s get back to the main topic; you haven’t had a sexual partner for quite some time. Tell me, why did you share that with me?" Steve speaks seductively, looking at you as if you are something he treasures.

"Because that’s the reason for all of this, right? Not to find your friend, but to try to seduce me so I’d let you sleep with me. Of course, all in the name of you thinking you’ll find your friend. You want to find him so badly that you came here on a date with me instead of going to look for him. Admit it, you don’t want to be wrong about me knowing Barnes, because if I don’t know him, you’ve got nothing. You’ve wasted your time trying to get into my pants. Also, you don’t need to be formal when discussing my lack of sex. I haven’t fuck with anyone for a while. In fact, I might be manipulating you to seduce you and then discard you. Have you thought about that?" You try to be more straightforward among the lies and deceitful words. You just want to see if you can hit a nerve with Steve Rogers to convince him of something. Even if it’s that you’re a woman desperate for his cock.

“Dance with me?” Steve suddenly asks, catching you off guard. You look at him, trying to understand what he means. There's no music playing, and the waiter is about to serve the wine. But something tells you this is a test, so when he extends his hand toward you, you take it firmly. He places his phone on the table, and an instrumental melody begins to play. He then presses his body against yours, one hand holding yours and the other resting on your waist.

He leads you with confidence, your bodies swaying to the music. At one point, it feels less like dancing and more like a silent battle to see who will give in first. Steve’s hands grip the contours of your dress, almost reaching your backside. Your hand wraps around his neck, your head resting close to his chest, allowing you to catch a whiff of his cologne—a woody scent that feels almost comforting, like a warm embrace.

"You’re right, I know your friend. Lying is just pure foolishness, and I can't take it anymore. In fact, I know him quite well. He was a secret crush of mine, not just a mere customer. The days he came into the bakery were the brightest. He’d order an espresso and the fresh bread I was testing the recipe for. I would come in early just to be ready when he arrived. I waited for months to find out his name, even though I knew he preferred savory over sweet, that he probably has a fluffy white cat, that he enjoys reading The Hobbit, and that he never paid me any mind. That’s why I denied knowing him; I feel pathetic saying all this. Like a silly teenage girl hoping to be noticed by the guy she finds attractive. And that’s all I have to say about him. He doesn’t know who I am, but I know who he is. I’d recognize him even in a crowd. " Your voice trembles, a mix of embarrassment and pretense, almost as if you feel utterly humiliated. It’s not a complete lie; it probably won’t work, but you have to try. Steve won’t give up easily if he doesn’t have part of the truth. And that’s what he’ll get from you—a fragment of the truth.

The waiter brings the pizza, interrupting the small world you and Steve had created during the dance. Both of you feel a bit embarrassed for being caught, but without saying much, you sit back at the table, allowing the waiter to serve you. The pizza is flavorful, but Steve seems distracted, still processing your ridiculous confession of love for Barnes. His usual confident demeanor falters for a moment as he picks at the food, clearly thinking over what you just said. The tension lingers, not from suspicion anymore but from the awkward truth you've offered.

"Since you've finally decided to tell me the truth, now tell me: when was the last time you saw James Barnes?" The crucial question is asked, almost as if it were another test. Between bites of pizza and sips of wine, you feel the need to reveal something to him. But if you tell the truth, Barnes could be at risk. He would be furious.

"The last time I saw him was…" You were just about to reveal the truth to Steve, realizing the mistake you were making when the sudden sound of a gunshot drew your attention. The bullet shattered your wine glass, leaving you horrified. The second shot was even closer to Steve, hitting his arm. Without much thought, you immediately drop to the floor, rushing over to Steve, who is pressing on his wound. You can hear people screaming in panic from inside the restaurant.

"What is so important that it's taking you this long to find?" you ask impatiently, panic rising inside you. You're more scared for Steve than he seems to be. Finally, he pulls out his car keys along with his wallet from his pocket. He places the money for the bill and tip on the table, then presses the car key into your hand. His grip is firm, and you're horrified when you see his blood smearing onto your skin from his hand.

"Y/N, I'm putting my life in your hands. Please, save me," Steve says as his eyes begin to close, his strength visibly fading. You quickly place his good arm over your shoulders and ask him to guide you to his car. He leads you as best as he can, and once there, you carefully put him in the passenger seat, fastening his seatbelt. You try calling out to him a few times, hoping to keep him conscious, but he slips into unconsciousness. Without wasting another second, you rush to drive him to the hospital, heart pounding as you speed through the streets.

It didn’t take long before you arrived at the emergency room of the hospital. After shouting for help, a doctor and several nurses rushed to assist you in getting Steve out of the car. You were questioned for a while about Steve—whether he had any allergies, what his condition was. You decided to say you were his wife, explaining that due to his military service, you hadn’t seen him for a while. Once they finished removing the fragments of the bullet from Steve’s arm, you could finally take a breath, though your heart still raced.

“Miss, your husband asked to see you,” one of the nurses informed you as you sat in the waiting room for hours. You quickly stood up to meet Steve, who was in a hospital bed looking much better.

"My beloved wife, have you waited all this time for me?" Steve Rogers says, sounding somewhat dazed, likely from the pain medication they gave him. You give him a slight smile as you see him beckoning you closer with his hand.

"How is my dear husband?" you ask, fully embracing the character as you approach him, gently holding his hand. He leans forward and pouts, as if asking for a kiss. You give him a quick peck on the lips.

"I want to go home. Can we leave?" Steve asks, laughing as if he's finding something amusing.

"We could go but your doctor said you need to stay under observation and the hospital said you need to give your insurance number or a nice amount of money." You smile and casually respond to Steve's question, but unfortunately, he falls asleep before he can answer you. You inform the hospital reception that you will provide Steve's financial information once he is better. They are understanding, thinking of you as a concerned wife. They even let you leave, promising to call if he improves. Feeling exhausted, you decide to go home. You drive Steve's car back to your place, borrowing it for the night.

As you’re about to enter your apartment, you hear a noise coming from inside. Great, this is when things go south. Thankfully, you have pepper spray in your bag, and you grab it, preparing to defend yourself against whoever is inside. When you open the door, you come face to face with a man. As soon as he turns to look at you, you spray him in the face.

"Ah, Y/N, are you trying to blind me?" Barnes exclaims, crying out in pain from the pepper spray in his eyes. You rush to help him, dropping your bag on a nearby surface. Gently, your fingers brush against his eyes as you attempt to wipe away the remnants of the spray. You blow softly into his eyes, trying to ease the burning sensation, while he watches you in stunned silence.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to," you say softly, your concern evident. "I thought you were an intruder." As you continue to tend to him, the tension in the room shifts from fear to a more intimate moment, the chaos of the evening fading into the background.

"It wasn't supposed to be you who got hurt," Barnes says, grasping your hand, which still bears the blood from Steve. For a moment, you're touched by his genuine concern for you. However, the realization of what he said sinks in, making you acutely aware that he has some connection to what happened.

"What do you mean by that?" you ask, your heart racing as you search his eyes for answers. "Did you know this was going to happen?" The tension hangs heavy in the air as you await his response, feeling both unsettled and intrigued by the depths of his involvement.

His eyes seem heavy as he searches for the right words, finally admitting, "It was Natasha's plan. She thought a small attack would distract Steve enough for him to stop looking for me. She figured you wouldn't be able to keep secrets. We planted bugs in the restaurant, and when we sensed you were about to spill, we had to act. I know you're going to be angry, but it was for your own good." James Barnes's words feel like a whirlwind, leaving you bewildered.

"You’re crazy. How could you let her hurt your friend? Or did you do it yourself? Do you have any idea what you’ve done to us? You put me at risk and left your best friend injured. He’s in a damn hospital bed, you son of a bitch." You step away from James Barnes, unable to recognize the man in front of you. How sadistic could he be to hurt Steve?

"Steve will survive. It was a strategically placed shot; we wouldn’t have harmed him if we didn’t know he would pull through. Please, Y/N; trust me. What Natasha and I did was for the best," James Barnes says, holding your hands again as if he desperately wants you to understand and accept that it was all part of his plan.

"Don't you dare ask me to trust you; you didn't trust me. You preferred to shoot Rogers rather than give me a vote of confidence. But I can promise you that if you don't step aside right now, I will make you regret not shooting me. I will tell Steve and the police everything I know about you, and I won't regret it. So get out of my apartment and don't come back," you say angrily, feeling something burn inside you. You are tremendously regretful for having trusted him, for ever thinking he could be yours.

Barnes's gaze conveys a sense of pain, as if he is truly remorseful. He heads toward the door as if to leave, but pauses just before opening it, turning back and practically rushing towards you. His lips meet yours in a kiss filled with emotion. James leads the kiss, as if he wants to consume you. The intensity of your tongues dancing within each other’s mouths, exploring, is sensational. There’s a strong urge to push Barnes away, to hit him, to cry for him. But in that fleeting moment, you savor the kiss.

"I'll come back when you’re calmer. Until then, don’t do anything reckless. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but just know that I’m truly sorry," James says as he breaks the kiss, his eyes still closed, relishing the sensation of your lips against his. When you open your eyes, he’s no longer there. For a moment, you wish he had never been in your life at all.

[wanderingsoul6261]

Gif credit goes to userbeaufort

IM SORRY-PART 2

Part 1 below

James Beaufort x Reader

I'm sorry! I meant to have this out sooner, but I got distracted. My anxiety had been an ass this week so just bear with me. I do have more fics with James to write, so do still continue to expect more!

Synopsis: part 2 to I'm Sorry. Reader talks to Lydia and apologizes to James for her actions.

Warnings: nothing other than a few swear words. Mostly the f- word

------

It had been weeks since Y/N had left James standing where she left him after they kissed underneath Maxton Hall. She had avoided him as if he had the plague and was going to get her sick. She had even gone as far as even being more distant with Lydia, and that hurt her much more than avoiding James. 

The few times she had brushed Lydia off had left her friend looking hurt and confused, wondering to herself what she could have possibly done to warrant Y/N's behavior towards her. It took Y/N all but a week before she came to her senses and apologized to Lydia, but when Lydia asked what happened and why she did it, she couldn’t explain. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, because she did, as it was all tearing her inside out, but she just didn’t know how to go about it. She wasn't sure if Lydia would hate her afterwards for kissing her brother. Y/N knew she could always confide in Lydia, and Lydia has made that plenty clear. However, with something like this, Y/N wasn't quite so sure as to how her friend would react. 

Did Y/N love James? Absolutely. Did she regret the kiss? No, absolutely not. If anything, she had enjoyed it and had hoped it had continued even longer than it had. She had actually thought about the kiss alot. And even if no words were spoken in the moment that James and Y/N had kissed, she knew that every single bit of feeling and emotions she had for James was poured into that kiss, and a part of her told her that it was likely the same for James. There was no way he didn't feel the same way as her, and yet, here she was, treating him as if she never met or knew him. Which also hurt her more than another could imagine, and yet she still continued to do it. 

Y/N continued to avoid James in the hall. She avoided eye contact and any and all other contact he had attempted to make. He sent text messages and made phone calls, leaving voice messages when she wouldn't answer. He had made attempts to stop her in the hallway to talk to her in which she had brushed off and walked away from him. Every single time he had stood in place, while many other students watched, wondering what to do, his heart breaking more and more each time. This went on for several weeks. 

And then he stopped, and it was like a switch had been flipped. 

James had turned cold towards her, reverting back to the way he was before he had started to like her, before he had fallen in love with her and had vowed to do anything and everything for her. Before she had become what his world revolved around. 

Y/N took notice, and she had undoubtedly and rightfully so, hated herself for it. James didn't deserve the treatment he had received from her. She should have confessed to Lydia about what had happened between her and James. 

He gave her the same treatment that she had been giving him and she couldn't even be mad or upset. It was her fault. 

James scowled at her, made remarks about her lack of money and everything she wouldn't ever have because of the lack thereof, and anything else that he knew would hit their mark. The angered and hurt looks he had given her could level an entire room, an earthquake that could cause so much devastation, but yet, the destruction was only centered on one single person. 

Her. 

He had acted like an asshole towards her and Y/N would be the first to admit that she deserved every last moment of it. She had evidently broken his heart, and now he was making her pay for it. 

The only person that didn't agree with anything Y/N received from James, was Lydia. It had often led to heavy and loud arguments between the twins, causing tension between the close siblings, but yet, Lydia still didn’t know what happened to make the two behave in the ways that they were. It was a mystery, and it was one that she had so desperately wanted to solve.

—-

“What happened?” Lydia asked. “Are you ever going to tell me?” Y/N was sitting a bench, a book in her hands when Lydia walked up to her. She spared a glance at her friend, growing nervous once again at the question Lydia was once again pestering her with. 

“What do you mean?” Y/N took the stupid route, her eyes back on the book. But she wasn't reading it. She couldn’t focus on it, her eyes reading the same paragraph over and over as she never fully grasped the content of it. It didn't matter that she read the words in her mind. Lydia also knew this, mostly at the fact that not once did Y/N turn the page. 

She was stuck on that page, meaning Lydia had gotten the cogs in Y/N's brain working and thinking about what had happened between her and James. Now if only she would talk to her about it. 

“You know what I mean, Y/N. You and James. One day you guys are talking and hanging out like you’ve known each other since childbirth, and the next day, you are treating each other like you’re puppy was kicked! ” Lydia made a daring move, hoping her friend would forgive her, and snatched the book out of her hand. Y/N didn't do anything though. She sat there, defeat showing in her posture. Y/N only knew that Lydia would continue to ask her what happened, which had meant that James never told her, not that he probably wanted to, and Y/N didn’t blame him. She broke his heart and made a fool out of him. It was best she finally said something, no matter if James would be mad at her or not. Y/N was tired of leaving her friend in the dark, and she was sure that Lydia was tired of being in the dark. 

Y/N picked at her fingernails, a sigh escaping her lips as her eyes flickered over the tiniest imperfections in the ground. Little divots from where the ground had been worn away. A bug scittering across the ground. Grass peeking up through the cracks. 

Lydia sat down next to her and Y/N still refused to make eye contact. Lydia put her book back into Y/N's hands, in order to keep her hands occupied and stop her from picking at her fingers. It was a nervous habit of Y/N’s that Lydia had picked up on not too long after they had become friends. 

“James' actions are warranted.” Lydia scoffed. 

“I highly doubt-”

“We kissed the night of the donation gala and then I left him standing underneath the hall and have been avoiding him ever since.” Y/N cut her friend off, still avoiding eye contact with her. Lydia went silent. 

Was this it? Did Lydia hate her now for what she did to her brother? Is this the end of their friendship? Y/N had turned slightly away from Lydia, ashamed of herself and what she had done. She truly hated herself for this. 

“Why?” The question had quite honestly caught Y/N off guard. She didn’t expect it. If anything, she had almost expected Lydia to leave her right then and there and understand why James was treating her in the way that he had been. 

Y/N sat in silence. She loved James, so it wasn’t as if she had not liked him or regretted the kiss. If anything, she knew that if she didn’t want to kiss him, James wouldn’t have done it. They both wanted to kiss each other, that much was true.

“I was scared. Terrified. Petrified. Any other synonyms of ‘scared’.” Y/N finally turned to look at her friend. Lydia was staying. She wasn’t going anywhere and Y/N had used this to soothe her worries. “You’re my friend, Lydia. He is your brother. I thought if you found out we did anything, no matter what it was, that you’d hate us. You’d hate me. Or maybe you would see it as something that would get in the way of me and you.” Y/N went over every single reason why she was scared. Anyone else probably would have told her to stop and tell her that it was okay and that they wouldn't have thought of anything in the way that she was. Lydia did do that, don’t get that part wrong, but she listened fully to what Y/N had to say. She wanted to understand Y/N and her thoughts so that she could better understand why she did what she did. When Y/N was finished, the two sat in silence and Y/N thought that maybe Lydia would take her chance to leave now. 

But she didn’t. She stayed, and after a few minutes of silence, she spoke. 

“I wouldn’t have hated you. If anything, I was wondering when it would happen. You guys looked at each other the way a young child looks at a puppy.” Y/N smiled at the poor analogy. She looked down at the book in her hands. Her smile turned into a frown. 

She got thinking about James and about how he might have felt, and she felt completely and utterly disgusted with herself. 

“How was James?” she asked, but she already knew the answer. 

“Honestly?” Lydia asked. They both knew that once Y/N heard what she had to say, it would only make Her feel even worse than she already did. Y/N nodded. 

“He didn't sleep or eat a lot. Often found him up pretty late. James was hurt, really hurt. I tried getting him to talked to me-” Y/N started to drown out Lydia. Not because she didn't want to listen, but because she went back to thinking about James. She wanted to, no, she needed to fix this. Y/N had to make this right with James. 

Y/N stood up abruptly. She hurried off to find James. 

She looked everywhere she could think of, Starting with the places where she knew for a fact that he would possibly be. Which was probably half a dozen places and so she had spent a good half hour trying to find him. 

Y/N was growing restless. She hoped that he didn't go home yet, but if he did, Y/N knew that she could always just text or call him. However, the likelihood of him even answering was slim to none, and she didn't blame him. 

But she found him, and kicked herself in the ass for not checking the lacrosse field sooner, because there he was, in all his James Beaufort glory, practicing with Alistair, Cyril, and the others. 

It definitely wasn't long before someone noticed her, and pointed her out to James. He had turned around, his eyes peering out from behind his helmet, the headwear masking any emotions that might have been present on his face. 

He had watched as she stood on the sidelines. Waiting. Watching. She nervously picked her fingernails, her eyes looking Slightly red from a distance, as if she had been crying, which she had been. 

After leaving Lydia to find James, tears flowed down her cheeks, as thoughts ran a hundred miles per hour in her mind. Memories, good and bad between the two of them, know how hurt James had bad, her guilt, and so much more. She was drowning in it all, barely breathing as James finally started to walk towards her. He pulled his helmet off, tossing it to the ground with his gloves once he was a few feet away from her. And as she watched him, he didn't look too pleased.

When he finally came to a stop in front of her, he opened his mouth to say something, but Y/N beat him to it. 

“I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I shouldn't have left you beneath the hall. It was a stupid thing for me to do because I like you but I was scared because I'm friends with Lydia-” She took a deep breath, her voice cracking as she continue to nervously pick at her fingers. “- and I wasn't sure if She would be happy if she found out we kissed. I shouldn't have treated you the way that I have been.” James listened as she rambled. A part of him couldn't be mad at her. Yea, he had hurt at her avoidance, always asking why she did what she did, and a part of him told him to continue to stay mad at her, but as he watched her now, nervous, guilt, her own form of hurting, he couldn't bring himself to do so. 

So he did the next best thing he could think of. 

He grabbed her hands to stop the picking, before she did it to the point where she drew blood. Then he pulled her close, his lips slamming against hers, shutting her up. She let out a surprised gasp as whistles and whoops and hollers could be heard behind them. 

Y/N leaned into the kiss, tasting the saltiness of her tears and when the two finally pulled away, James wiped away said tears. He searched her eyes, kissed her forehead, and then pulled her into a hug. 

“I get it.” He whispered. “It hurt, but I get it.” James pulled back to look into her eyes again. 

“It wasn't fair to you. And I feel guilty that I caused you to hurt because I was the stupid one.” 

“I don't blame you for your actions because of your emotions. You realized you’re mistake. We can put it behind us.” He said. His hands came up to her face, cupping her cheeks, and she leaned into him.

“How can you still love me after all of this?” She asked. 

James gave her a soft smile. 

“Oh sweetheart.” he pressed another soft and gentle kiss to her lips, one of his hands falling from her cheek to her waist, pulling her against him. When he pulled away from her again, so that their lips were barely brushing against each other, He whispered. “I never stopped loving you.” 

----

taglist: @honethatty12 @lifeonawhim @ashamedtobewhitemanswhore27 @maryvibess @wheredidmyeyesgo @imasimptoowth @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @sillyfreakfanparty

[scarletcomalies]

broken reflection

Wanda Maximoff x Fem Reader

Word count: 5,342

A/N: This story is inspired by Elizabeth Olsen's character in Love And Death. However, I must clarify that while I appreciate her performance in the show, I don’t agree with nor glorify the actions of the real-life person she portrays, Candy Montgomery. Therefore, I made the decision to switch the character to Wanda Maximoff and create a “multiverse” storyline. I was inspired by someone else who did a similar switch, and I felt that it was the right decision for my own. With nothing else to add, I hope you enjoy!

Marriage was supposed to be your happy ending, but as your marriage deteriorated, an encounter with another woman opened your eyes to a new world of possibilities and desires you never knew existed.

Time seemed to pass at a frantic pace whenever you found yourself immersed in your most tormenting thoughts. The ceiling, which you watched as you lay in your bed, became your silent witness, as the moonlight streaming in through the window illuminated the cracks in the ceiling, which you could have sworn, you knew by heart by that point.

You caught yourself finding comfort in those seemingly insignificant details, but at that moment, they seemed to be the only tangible things in your life.

Because, no one had prepared you for this.

For as long as you could remember, the idea of marriage had been presented to you as something wonderful, as a kind of destiny that you had to reach in order to be happy and fulfilled. And very late you realized that, in your quest to find that sense of belonging and fulfillment you so longed for, you had fallen into the error of looking for in marriage what you should have found within yourself.

"I worked my ass off to give you everything you needed, I spoiled you rotten, and the one thing you were supposed to give me in return, you couldn't give it to me!" He exclaimed when he came home from work at nine o'clock at night, and you found yourself in the painful position of telling him again that no, you were not in the mood to try.

He had never told you anything like that, at least not explicitly. However, he always let you know by giving you those little looks whenever he saw those happy families with their children in the park, or disguised as a brief "we're working on it" whenever the subject came up in those absurd after-dinner conversations he made you attend. He never felt the need to say those hurtful words to you, until that time.

You could hear your mother's voice echoing in your head, "That's what you get for marrying so young, to someone so old." And yes, you were the youngest of all the wives who gathered after church on Sundays. From the way they talked to you, it was obvious that they thought you were so ignorant of everything just because you were young.

Before, every day of your marriage felt like a fairy tale, everything seemed solved, and you thought you had fulfilled your purpose. It wasn't until, for a change, some idiot friend of James' decided to pick on him by telling him that he was "falling behind."

What hurt the most was that he was looking for in children what you were looking for in marriage, both wrong because, you insisted, it was within you. That was why you refused to even try, in the first place. Being a father wasn't supposed to be just a compensation for his lack of fulfillment.

After failing miserably to go to sleep at a decent hour, you woke up at noon and realized that he was gone. It wasn't the first time he had breakfast out because you simply refused to wake up to prepare him something. The only reason it didn't bother him was because afterward, he took advantage to see other women. Oh, you knew, he didn't even deign to hide it.

Even if you weren't doing the same thing, you supposed you could care less anyway. Any semblance of love had vanished so long ago, but you couldn't afford to be as bold as he was, because you repeated, you were doing the same thing, seeing other women...

... or rather, another woman.

It all happened when one Sunday night, which you thought would end up as hell, was what started a part of your life that really meant something. Very chaotic and perhaps sick to consider it as such, but all you aspired to was those weekday evenings. Before, you had nothing to aspire to, no one you really wanted to give yourself to in that sense.

For a change, you were fighting with your husband. You were eagerly talking to the women about everything and nothing at the same time when he called you over to talk, and his expression was so serene that it was inevitable to think it was not good.

"You'll be happy now! I'm the laughing stock of all my friends because they know we are not even trying to have a child," he blurted out, his alcohol breath invading your nose, causing you a feeling of revulsion immediately.

"How fragile you are to accept a commitment as big as a child is, just because you can't stand the awful comments," you replied, almost in a mocking tone. He hated that, he hated that you seconded all the remarks in some way. His friends teased him because you refused to sleep with him, and you teased him because he cared. It was his nightmare and your delight.

"Not everything is about having kids! They know you're disgusted by me!" He clarified, and just imagining the kind of conversations they were having made you loathe him even more.

"We women are not trophies for you to show off. We are human beings," you replied, pushing him slightly, which was enough for him to fall like a sack of potatoes. "How empty-minded are you guys that the only remarkable thing you have to say is whether or not you slept with a woman, huh?"

He stood up awkwardly and laughed.

"Spare me your feminist talk, I'm outta here," he growled and proceeded to walk off to who knows where.

You let out a long sigh after watching his figure shrink in size until he became invisible to your eyes. Every time he was gone, you felt free. It was as if all your problems disappeared in the form of a loathsome person like he was.

You felt even too guilty because that day you wished he would dawn lost somewhere and never find his way back or have a horrible accident.

"What you said is too true," you heard a voice behind you, making you startle.

You looked around until you came upon Wanda in the driver's seat of her car, with the window open. You were so immersed in your discussion that you didn't even notice that she had been listening to everything.

"I'm sorry you had to witness this," you muttered, lowering your head.

"You know, I always thought of you as a naive girl who doesn't have a fucking clue, but I realize you have guts. Even more than many in there," she ignored your apology, and at her statement, you didn't know whether to be flattered or offended.

"I guess it only takes being ten years younger than you for you to condemn me like that," you shrugged, opting to feel satisfied. This was a great opportunity to prove yourself wrong.

"What are you talking about? That's a lifetime!" She exclaimed as she laughed. You really appreciated that she decided to lighten up what could have been another argument with a little joke, where she made fun of her own mistake. That definitely marked a before and after between you two.

"You're right, you were all here by the time Queen Elizabeth was born," you joked back, causing her to let out a loud laugh that even echoed throughout the neighborhood. It was her reaction that made you laugh even harder.

That day, she asked you to go with her in the car and get lost around the neighborhood. It was almost like a therapeutic session; she talked about her husband, and you talked about yours. You made them the biggest targets of ridicule and insults for maybe three hours, and only stopped when you went to a gas station store to buy snacks and subsequently find a spot in a parking lot on top of a building.

"Don't you sometimes wish you had met other people?" you concluded, as she finished telling you how her husband responded to a piece she wrote. With such indifference that it made you feel extremely indignant.

"All the time," she confirmed, nodding. "Sometimes I imagine what my life would have been like if I had married someone who cared about my mind and not my uterus, and who treats me like a diamond in the rough that values at all times, and not like a trophy that just shows off but leaves to rest in some closet as soon as everyone is gone."

"That's me!" you laughed, placing your hand above hers to squeeze it, as a sign of comfort.

"But I do have a better proposition for you, why don't you start by doing it yourself? Prove to yourself that you're more than what your stupid husband thinks you are, and maybe that will even give you the courage to walk away from him if that's what you want."

You felt a mixture of fear and excitement at the idea. Could you really do it? Would you be able to find the strength to stand on your own two feet and figure out what are your own dreams, even if it meant abandoning the security of your marriage?

You looked at her, who was smiling encouragingly at you, and you felt a surge of gratitude for the moment you shared. Maybe it was time to take a chance and see what else life had to offer.

"...Wow! Such wonderful words were not rehearsed before? You're a natural," you praised her. She blushed slightly at that. "Keep in mind that I'll think about it carefully."

"Think about it! Besides, my husband is an idiot and your husband is an idiot, what would you say if... we found that courage between us? That way maybe we won't settle for less," her voice became raspy in a matter of seconds, as she leaned towards you.

"Oh, sure! Keep in mind that I'm willing to support you...-"

"Look, regardless of that silly prejudice I had about you, when we were playing volleyball, and the sweat was running down your tight blouse... oh, you have no idea what it provoked inside me," she confessed. "Today when I saw you put that fucker in his place, I realized, I'm incredibly attracted to you."

You watched her for a moment, and noticed how her green eyes turned dark. Who were you kidding? If you didn't want James to lay a finger on you it was because it was women like Wanda that you coveted with your being to do whatever they wanted with you.

"I'm not going to lie to you, I was only going to volleyball to see you," you whispered, as if you weren't the only souls in that compound.

You weren't lying. You weren't a big fan of going to physically exhaust yourself after the mental exhaustion that being under the same roof as that disgusting man brought you. However, the mere thought of Wanda being there made you become the most passionate athlete.

"Would you be interested in having an affair?" She inquired without preamble.

Every day used to feel like a cycle of dreary routines from which you could find no escape, leaving you with a sense of longing for something different to shake up your existence. You never imagined, however, that said "something" would be an affair with Wanda Maximoff.

Instead, you adopted an exciting routine that was previously calculated, in order to be able to get away with it, and so far, not a soul suspected you.

However, you were also highly involved in the delight of each other's company, so there was no danger in going to the movies, shopping, visiting each other at home to simply read together, or sharing a lunch.

You hoped that, like you, Wanda would also feel that your presence had irrevocably improved her life, for it was evident that you found in her what you knew you would never find in anyone else.

And so the sleepless nights had become somewhat more frequent than usual. They were minutes turning into hours, until the light of a new dawn appeared through the windows of the room.

Your thoughts were mainly shaped by the failure of your marriage, which there was no longer any point in fighting to save, and how it all led to an affair whose most essential rule you had broken: don't fall in love.

Fortunately, you would fall asleep after your idiot husband left the bed and his scent gradually faded away. It was during those nights that you longed to find yourself on Wanda's chest instead, with her intoxicating scent invading your nostrils. For you, it was one of the most effective ways for you to sleep.

"Who is this?" You groaned, after the ringing of the phone had woken you from your slumber. It was when you saw the clock hanging on the wall that you realized it was four-thirty in the afternoon.

"Your mistress," Wanda laughed on the other end of the phone, replacing annoyance with a feeling of happiness that only she knew how to bring.

The more you fell in love with her, the more you knew this was doomed to fail. You could feel the impending apocalypse, the moment when she would break your heart because you were asking for too much. She was the only solace in a world that had lost all meaning, and you refused to lose her.

"Oh," You replied with a chuckle. "Are there plans for today?"

"I'm too excited to see the new Star Wars movie, and I was wondering if you'd like to go watch it with me," she proposed. "I know we went to the movies recently, but I really hope you don't mind..."

"Yes! You'd love to go with you," You exclaimed, with a huge smile plastered on your face. "If you want to go to the movies a thousand times, a thousand times I'll go with you."

"Yay, perfect! I'll pick you up in an hour and a half," she anticipated you. "See you then."

As soon as you hung up the phone, you set about taking a shower, putting on an outfit and applying makeup that would leave you sufficiently satisfied with your appearance. In a matter of effectively an hour, you were fully ready.

You were putting away the mess you had left behind when you heard your doorbell ring, and with great joy, you ran to the front door.

There she was, with a smile even bigger than yours, and she didn't hesitate for a second to throw herself at you and hug you warmly.

"You look beautiful," You complimented her, appreciating her green orbs and full lips that once kissed every inch of your being.

With a slight blush on her cheeks, she looked around, then grabbed the back of your neck and kissed your lips.

As if it was the first time ever, the softness of her lips against yours was an indescribable sensation that never failed to make you melt by her touch and surrender to her.

"And you look divine," she whispered, a few millimeters away, causing you to feel her hot breath as if it were your own.

When you finally broke apart, you were both breathless and flushed. You looked into her eyes and she returned your gaze with a look that was a mixture of passion and maybe, just maybe, a reciprocated feeling of love.

***

"Have you eaten yet, darling?" she asked, once you stopped in front of the cinema, whose line was somewhat extensive.

One thing you greatly appreciated was that concern which was represented through small actions, as in this case, they were questions of whether you had eaten, and at other times they regarded your sleeping habits or whether you had eaten something really healthy and not just fast food from some restaurant nearby. These were acts that may have been automatic and even inert to her, but to you they meant the world.

"I know that tone you take when you've just woken up," she began, referring to the way you answered the phone. "And since I only gave you an hour's notice, I guess you didn't get to eat."

You laughed at her conclusion, which completely evidenced how well she knew you and how interested she seemed in you, "You got me, but it's okay, popcorn will do."

"Not a chance," she countered, predictably. "Let's get you something to eat, and we'll smuggle it into the cinema to make it more fun," she proposed.

You nodded, knowing that she always found ways to make any situation more exciting.

Together you headed towards a small food stall near the cinema, and as you waited for your order, you couldn't help but feel grateful to have someone so thoughtful and considerate by your side.

Once your plates of food were delivered, you took care to hide them appropriately in your respective bags, and, after purchasing your tickets and popcorn, you proceeded to walk towards the cinema, completely satisfied with your successful smuggling.

Finally, you found your seats in the darkness of the theatre, surrounded by the fragrance of corn and butter. You looked to your side and saw Wanda already looking in your direction. It was there that you confirmed once again that the movie didn't matter as much as the fact that you were there together, sharing a fun moment where you could escape for a brief moment.

The film turned out to be shocking in every way.

From the very beginning, it kept you on the edge of your nerves with its intense and exciting plot. The pace of the film gradually picked up and the tension built up. The scenes were shocking and you were holding each other's hands tightly.

It was then that the unexpected plot twist occurred that left you gasping.

The iconic "I am your father" stunned everyone, especially the woman next to you, who was perhaps the biggest fan of the franchise in this room.

"No way," she whispered, and you noticed her eyes watering. "There is no way!"

You couldn't lie, you were just as surprised. Even though it all started as a way to keep Wanda company, you couldn't help but feel moved. You could say you were even beginning to understand what all the fuss was about.

Once the film was over, she stared into the void for a long time, still processing what had happened.

"Do you want me to drive?" You proposed, somewhat amused at her state, but also willing to help and understand her.

"No no, I'm fine, come on! I'm not a teenager!" She shook her head, heading for the passenger door and opening it for you - a gesture you adored.

"Thank you, ma'am," You thanked her, getting into the car. Once she made her way to the driver's seat, you decided to comfort her a little. "Sometimes you're a teenager... sometimes we are. I think growing up is overrated."

She took your hand in hers, and kissed it affectionately, "I wish it was like that all the time and not sometimes; I wish all the time I could have exciting experiences that constantly make me feel on top of the world. I wish I could give that to you all the time. If only we could get married... I swear I would make you the happiest, as happy as I know you would make me."

"Unfortunately you have Vision and I have James... society is slowly programming us to be another one of the bunch, another model of the housewives we're expected to be," You retorted, feeling infected by her melancholy. "That's why we have this, to escape from time to time."

"But I don't want it from time to time! You know something? I've had it with Vision," she stated, starting her car. "I'm sick of him not touching me, not listening to me, and just watching his stupid show."

Your eyes widened.

You never imagined hearing her say that. Sure, you complained about your husbands and the life they gave you, it just didn't seem feasible for neither of you to leave them.

But in the end, why couldn't you have what Steve and Peggy had, for example? And that's when you knew you could have it, you were just with the wrong people. The biggest question was, if Wanda got this person, was she going to leave you? Was it going to be really you?

And that was your biggest epiphany.

You didn't care if you could never have her the way you wanted her, just having her in your life in any way was more than enough. You wanted her happiness even if it was at the cost of your own, and that's when you realized that what you felt was love at its best.

"What are you going to do?" You questioned, once you came back to your senses. It wasn't until you got to your house that it happened.

"I'm going to take all the money he keeps hidden in that shoe box, get the hell out of this town and start over," she replied. "I've been thinking about it for about two weeks now, but I think it's time."

You felt a lump in your throat as you listened to Wanda's words. You couldn't believe that she was planning to go away and leave everything behind, and that on top of it all, she had her mind completely made up.

You had been through so much together, you had laughed, cried and shared unforgettable moments. But now, it seemed that all that would come to an end. You would return to that monotony where you desperately searched for something that could make the day different from others. You missed your home, your family, your friends... and it wasn't your husband, it was Wanda who made you feel that leaving all that behind was for the best.

And again, if she promised to do her best to find the happiness you knew she longed for as well, then this too would be worth it.

Tears began to well up in your eyes as you tried to keep your composure. You struggled for words, for inevitably, sadness gripped your heart. Goodbyes were never easy.

"What are you doing? Why are you crying?" Wanda asked, taking your face in her hands.

"It's just... I don't want to lose you, I love you and going back to the life before I met you is scary, but if that's what you want, then..."

"Don't be silly, you're coming with me," she interrupted, wiping your cheeks with her thumbs. "Wait, you said you loved me?"

You were surprised to hear Wanda's question, immediately mentally beating yourself up for not having calculated your words, but, to your surprise, you also felt a surge of joy at finally being able to express your feelings.

"Yes, I said I love you, silly!" You exclaimed, as if it hadn't been obvious enough. "Look at this godforsaken mess that you've made of me. You're like a bright light in my life, you're the only one who makes me laugh until my cheeks go numb, you make me feel alive, you taught me colors after I got used to so much black and white, you taught me a language I can't speak to someone else. You're everything I ever dreamed I could find in someone, how could I not love you?"

"We don't need to get married, we don't need a damn piece of paper to be happy. Happiness is the most important thing and we already have it," she said, moving closer to press her lips against yours for a moment. "I love you madly. Thank you for opening my eyes. You were my motivation for coming up with this plan in the first place, now that I know what it's like to really live, I refuse to go back to what came before."

"How are we going to do that?" You inquired, somehow reminding her that you too had an issue to disengage from.

"Meet me at midnight."

Once you returned home, you found the person you were unexpectedly certain you would leave behind in a matter of hours.

He had his feet up on the coffee table, his hair tousled and his tie undone, his eyes too focused on the television, which fortunately were struggling to stay open.

"You should go to sleep, or you'll have a very hard time getting up tomorrow," You suggested, knowing full well that you were only going to earn a complaint.

"It's my problem if I want to stay up all night," he grunted, straightening his posture to wake up a little. Even he couldn't deny that it was in vain.

With a scoff, you dropped your bag on the kitchen counter and headed for the bedroom.

You had to pack as soon as possible so that when James decided to go to bed, you wouldn't be caught literally displacing your entire life in a single suitcase.

You started with your clothes, which you folded into rolls so they would fit more effectively, and proceeded to take your beauty products, hygiene products, belongings that held sentimental significance, and sadly, space only allowed you to pack two pairs of your favorite shoes. It was a huge suitcase, the same one you used when you moved here, and you were even surprised at how much you could fit in it. You guess it was again going to accompany you in a new scenario, this time a successful one.

You heard James' clumsy footsteps approaching the room. By that time, you had the suitcase packed and hidden under the bed, waiting for midnight. It was only half an hour away.

He collapsed into bed, not bothering to change or pull the covers over himself. He just tossed and turned, with nothing else on his mind but sleep as soon as possible.

When the time came, you let out a deep sigh and carefully got out of bed, feeling your every movement like an explosion in the darkness of the room.

Once you felt more confident, you slowly bent down towards the suitcase you had hidden under the bed. Every inch you moved was a huge effort, but you knew you couldn't afford to be discovered.

Finally, you reached for the suitcase and carefully pulled it out. Each movement was as if you were touching a taut string, expecting that at any moment it might snap and make everything fall apart. Likewise, each step you took seemed to be heavier than the last, but without looking back for a moment, you kept moving forward, knowing that you were on the last step of your escape.

You heard footsteps approaching from behind and your heart began to pound.

No, no, no. You refused to turn around and look. You were too close!

You tried not to think about it, to convince yourself that everything was fine, but it was impossible.

Suddenly, a hand landed on your shoulder and you were startled. You turned around to face James, who was standing there, his eyes full of sadness and worry.

"Let me go, James. There's nothing you can do to stop me," you said quietly, trying to hide your fear.

"I know," he said in a calm voice. "I'm not going to stop you. There's no point in keeping this marriage if you're not happy. If I'm not happy. Go with her."

You were shocked to hear those words coming out of James' mouth. For so long, you had been holding back your true feelings for fear of hurting him, and that it would end badly. He already knew that, and he accepted it.

Your expression made him chuckle, "I saw you kissing before you came in," as if reading your thoughts, he confessed what you were wondering. "I just want you to know that I've been watching you for a while now. I noticed how happy you were coming back after spending time with her. Only someone very cruel would stand in the way of that... I'm not cruel, even though I haven't done a very good job of showing it."

You couldn't help but feel some gratitude towards James for being so understanding. It was a strange feeling, considering you were running away from him, but in that moment, you felt that you had finally found someone who understood what was going through your mind.

"You're not the only one who's been seeing other people. I've been seeing... men, too." He confessed, leaving you paralyzed, not knowing what to say. You never would have imagined James would say something like that to you. You felt confused, shocked, and at the same time, a little relieved. At least you weren't the only one who had been hiding something. "You should learn from me, I was careful about it," James joked, trying to lighten the tension in the air.

Finally, you found the right words, "Thank you, James. For understanding me, for being honest. I don't know what's going to happen to me and Wanda from now on, but I'm sure I'll find my way to happiness. And please do whatever it takes to find yours too, no matter with whom it is."

He simply nodded, an understanding expression on his face. "I promise I will, and I hope this isn't goodbye."

James and you hugged each other tightly, sharing an emotional moment that would seal the end of your marriage. It was amazing how this moment of parting was the one where you felt the most respect and compassion for him, and you could tell the feeling was mutual. It would have been easier if instead of condemning each other, you had been willing to understand each other.

Afterwards, he offered to walk you to the car towards Wanda, and you accepted. You walked together in silence, as if you both knew it was better to leave words behind.

The older woman was waiting inside the car, and both James and you laughed as her jaw practically dropped to the floor when she saw you. The confusion was palpable on every faction of her face.

James walked over to her and took her hand, looking at her lovingly, "Take care of each other as only you know how, love each other as you deserve to be loved, because you two are amazing people and deserve all the best in life." He told her sincerely, conveying his flooding desire to redeem himself.

Wanda was overwhelmed by your now ex-husband's words, and nodded tearfully. "Thank you for trusting me with something as precious as the happiness of this one right here."

James gave you one last hug before walking away, and Wanda's gaze was still fixed on him with equal parts sadness and gratitude.

You placed your suitcase in the trunk, and subsequently made your way to the passenger seat.

Wanda asked, "Do I want to know what happened?"

"Long story," you sighed, letting out the air you'd been holding in for far too long.

"Well, we have a long trip waiting for us. There's time," she started the car's engine.

With great excitement, your story with Wanda began this way, the person with whom you were destined to witness fulfillment at its greatest expression.

Together you started a business and lived on it, your daily routines never lacked for adventure and laughter. Every day your love grew more and more, and you never looked back, always moving forward together.

You fondly remember how each sunrise was like a new roller coaster of emotions, always full of new challenges. And in the most difficult moments, when darkness threatened to invade you, you clung to your union, knowing that together you could overcome any obstacle.

And so, with Wanda by your side, living each day with passion and enthusiasm, you knew you were exactly where you were meant to be, living your life to the fullest alongside the person you love most in this world.

[iamnmbr3]

Honestly, I keep forgetting that tom riddle was like 11 in some of the memories because of the way dumbledore talks about him. I keep picturing him as older teenager young adult. Like bro he's not Conniving he's trying to not die

Exactly! Dumbledore never sees him as a child or an innocent or someone who can be saved (or even needs or deserves it). This is despite the fact that what he knows of 11 year old Tom's behavior is actually not nearly as disturbing and psychopathic as James Potter's behavior for example. James grew up with everything and shows clear sadistic tendencies from a young age. He obviously actively enjoys violently tormenting and assaulting other people for fun. He actually fits the 'serial killer who was a psychopath from a young age' trope better than Tom does, though that wasn't JKR's intent at all.

I think she possibly meant to do something very different with Tom's character but bungled the exectuon. I think she was going for the whole 'serial killers are psychopaths who are un-saveable and torture and kill smalls animals as children" trope but that's not what she wrote. Tom killed one rabbit. Obviously that was wrong, but it wasn't part of a pattern where he routinely small animals for sport. He also didn't kill it for fun (nor did he do it in a particularly prolonged or cruel way). He did it as retribution after an argument (and presumably since he didn't do anything to Billy Stubbs directly, this was an argument with someone he felt unable to take on). Obviously this doesn't make what he did right, but it is a VERY different context from what JKR is trying to imply (since we the readers are supposed to agree with Dumbledore's reactions to and assessments of him). We never even find out what the altercation with Billy Stubbs was about or who initiated it etc.

Aside from that, there's the cave incident where...something happened but we don't know what. It is notable that Dumbledore mentions that it would be virtually impossible to climb up to (or presumably down from) the cave without magic. Which means Tom used his powers to not only get all of them up, but also to bring himself as well as Dennis and Amy back - rather than simply leaving them to die either for fun or to cover up whatever he did to them. (Personally I think he performed magic on/in front of them but then went too far and panicked and tried to wipe their memories but did it badly due to being inexperienced and uncontrolled which is why they are odd afterwards and can't remember what happened). But yeah. We have no idea what happened there. Only that Mrs. Cole, who hates Tom and doesn't know what he is, suspects him of having done something bad. Dumbledore never bothers to get Tom's side of things.

It's also important to remember that while Tom learned to control his powers, at first his use of magic would have been random and uncontrolled. This means that some of the incidents for which he was blamed were outside his control and simply instances of his magic reacting to his emotions rather than him deciding to do something.

Given that Dumbledore hasn't read the later books where Tom Riddle becomes Voldemort and given that he knows that Tom is universally hated and feared in the orphanage for his strange powers (to the point that Tom consequently lives in mortal fear of being thrown in an asylum and seems to have had bad experiences with doctors) he can't even really reasonably be certain that Tom wasn't acting in self defense in the only way he knew how. But he simply takes Mrs. Cole at her word that Tom Riddle is no good and evil even though it makes no sense in-universe to do so since he doesn't know yet that Tom is destined to be the villain of the series.

Tom lives in a tough and dangerous world where strength rules. He has no one to look out for him. The very concept of a caring and trustworthy adult is probably alien to him. He is loathed and feared. He suffers from privation and is surrounded by want and disease and death. The only way for him to exert any power over his own life is to use the strange abilities he posses but doesn't understand and can't fully control. This is his reality. Characters in Game of Thrones live in a violent, dog eat dog world, and that influences their behavior. Similarly, Tom's environment influences his behavior. Given his circumstances his behavior (at least what we know of it), while wrong, is not that shocking or even that extreme. He is trying to survive as best he can.

Maybe all the help and guidance in the world couldn't have turned him from his dark path. But the point is, no one ever gives him that chance. Dumbledore shows immediate bias towards him - and we're supposed to think this bias is justified, but that's not supported by what's actually in the text.

[loserboyfriendrjl]

Romanian marauders!!! Where would they come from????

bat i am giving you a great ol’ hug for this question because i am dying to talk about romanian marauders:

sirius: cluj. lots of things to do, big city. i feel like he would particularly enjoy central park simion bărnuțiu, with the little lake/pond and everything. regularly visits steampunk transylvania

james: bucurești. i feel like it’s obvious; he’s a big city boy. the museum of senses makes him dizzy, but he brings his friends there when the visit. has a lot of pictures of the triumph arc in his phone

peter: timișoara, solely based on vibes (and what my sister thinks). would like to be a tour guide for the tourists one day, he’s very attached to his city and knows all of its history

remus: i’m not exactly sure, but a small town in ardeal. loves the traditional cuisine and having sirius over from his big, university city. does long-distance uni courses and has sheep, too.

lily: brașov. likes being from the “chillier” part of the country and adores the gothic architecture of the city. goes to the “haunted” house near the bran castle for halloween every year

marlene: i’m thinking either constanța or mamaia, but honestly any option that is close to the beach. specifically wakes up early every morning to go swim or surf; there are algae in the water, too

mary: iași. goes to the to the copou park and the anastasie fătu botanical garden regularly, she likes seeing the colourful flowers. the palace of culture is a must-see in her opinion

dorcas: sibiu. passes by the palace and bridge of lies every day just to see them. adores the christmas fair and makes her friends come with her. they have dinner in the old town afterwards

[countrymusiclover]

3 - Confusing Conversations

Princess Red Thief

Part 4

Tag list - just ask to be added @mystrey101 @melvia-ito @kmc1989 @tallrock35

Someone knocked on my chamber door in my grandfather's castle while I was slipping on my horse riding boots. I had tied my hair up into a braid falling over my right shoulder. Flinging open the door I saw my mother standing there. "Hey mom, why are you here?"

"I have to go meet the prince who killed the dragon that was attacking our kingdom. But I should be asking you where you are off to?" She entered the room wearing a light blue and crystal dress and her hair all pinned up.

I shifted my gaze back down to the clothing that I had chosen to wear when I was going to train with the Dark One himself. "Oh uh. I just didn't want to be stuck inside all day. I know you've been busy with the wedding. So I have been finding things to take up my time."

"Well that is good to hear. I hope you enjoy your time to yourself. Maybe even find some adventure or love." She smiled at me brightly.

Covering my face with my hands my face began turning red at the thought. She had told me the story of how she and my father were supposed to wed. When I was a child I wanted what they had, but now it seems almost impossible. Especially if I can't get my magic under control. "Oh mom. You know I don't believe it like you do. Not anymore at least."

"Everly, there aren't enough people in this world who believe in true love. And I still have hope that someday I will find someone to free your father." My mother Abigail takes my hands in hers.

Lowering my gaze from hers I nodded knowing she wouldn't stop until my father was freed from his golden prison. "I miss him too, mom. I mean I do since I never got to know him after I was born and everything."

"He would have loved you, Eve." She held my face in her hands kissing my forehead deciding it was time to go and pretend she was excited to marry Prince James. "I should go. The carriage is waiting. I love you."

Once she had disappeared I felt a heavy weight on my shoulders. I wasn't prepared to tell her the truth, not yet anyway. We may live in a magical realm but it doesn't mean that she would accept me afterwards. She could want nothing to do with me. Leaving the castle grounds I saddle my horse and made the long ride to his castle. Reaching it in a few hours I dismounted with him standing outside the entrance of his castle. "Hasn't it occurred to you that just transposing here with magic is much easier and faster."

"Maybe for someone like you but not me. I need to get my abilities under control first." I dismounted my horse holding my red cloak tightly around myself.

Rumplestilskin walked forward trailing one hand over the fabric of my red cloak. "Why is this fabric so important to you, Red Thief?"

"It belongs to my father. My mother had the seamstress cut fabric from the last cloak he wore to fit me. I got it on my sixteenth birthday to honor him." I explained to him taking a step away from him when I felt some tears welling in my ears so I wiped them away with my hand.

He clicked his tongue leaning up against a nearby tree. "Interesting, Red Thief."

"I already told you before my name is Everly." I rolled my eyes at him and that annoying nickname. If he kept saying it people would start to think it was my real name.

Rumple glared at me, snapping his fingers. "I can call you whatever I wish and do whatever I want. I am the teacher in case you've forgotten. Speaking of.."

"My cloak! What did I do - or did you do it?" I panicked feeling the familiar fabric weight disappear from my shoulders.

He smirked. "I did it, dearie. For your first lesson of the day you must find the object that you care about the most with your magic."

"What! How the hell am I supposed to do that?" I throw my hands down at my sides thinking his plan was unbelievable. "I can't even see where you possibly could have put it."

Rumple moved forward standing behind me quickly covering my eyes with a blindfold. "As I have said to you before, now magic isn't about what you see, it's about what you feel inside."

"That's easy for you to say, not me." I told him, clutching my hands into fists at my sides.

Rumple leans forward whispering in my ear. "It shall be easy for you too. You just need to focus on the feeling that the cloak gives you. What does it make you feel when you are wearing it?"

"I feel...safe, sort of. Like my father is protecting me in a way even though he's cursed. If I'm wearing it I think for one second that I can't hurt anyone." I sucked in a breath feeling my hands unflinching and something fall into my open palms out in front of me.

He stepped backwards instructing me after removing the blindfold. "Open your eyes, Everly."

"Oh...wow. I did it. I actually did it." Spinning around on my feet I held the cloak on one arm and without thinking I fling my arms around Rumple's neck. He stumbled backwards barely touching my hips just to make sure we both didn't fall to the dirt. I drew away from the hug lowering gaze from him until I had a realization. "Uh sorry - wait did you actually call me Everly?"

He was still dazed from the hug not used to being embraced in such a way. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about, lass."

"Yes you do. Otherwise you wouldn't avoid the question." I clasped my hands together onto something here.

Rumplestilskin scoffed at me. "I could turn you into a tod if you don't stop right now."

"You're still avoiding the question, dearie." I used his own nickname against him, standing up on my toes almost touching noses with him.

His gaze darkened on my soft gaze. "If you don't stop this instant, Everly. I will most certainly turn you into a tod."

"Ah! You said my name again." I squealed uncontrollably where he yanked me against his chest, our noses touching now. "Rumple, wait I...I just meant to say I liked the way it sounds when you say my name is all."

Blinking my eyes a few times I could feel my heart beating against my chest when he moved his freehand downward to touch where my heart was located. "I could rip out your heart right now if I wished. And if you ever act like that when I am teaching again I just might do so. Keep that in mind, dearie."

"I understand, Rumple." I gulped, swearing that I could see his brown eyes soften for a brief moment.

"We're done for today, Everly - urgh Red Thief." He pushed me backwards away from him waving his hand causing the cloak on my arm to raise above my head. The object dropped on my head covering my field of vision and by the time I yanked it off my head seeing he had disappeared inside the dark castle. Holding the fabric in my hands I stood there in shock that maybe just maybe there was more behind the Dark One than anyone knew.

It had been about two weeks since I had been in the hospital because of Ashley freaking out about keeping her baby girl. A nurse rolled me out in a wheelchair since it was a required hospital policy and I saw Gold waiting outside with his car. Once they had got me in the vehicle he paid the hospital bill then got back in the driver's seat. "I will eventually pay you back for paying the bill."

"Don't worry about it, lass. I have enough money to cover things like this. Speaking of, I owe you some real food, don't you think?" He glanced in my direction with a light smile.

Putting my hands in my lap I disagreed. "Gold, that really isn't necessary. We should just go back to the shop and I'll work off the hours I owe you in return. Deduct my pay by two weeks too."

"Everly I - Eve, I said that it's not about the money. And I am being truly sincere about buying you some lunch." He growled under his breath not expecting that I would be such a fighter over this.

Biting my lip I asked him to hear a foreign name. "You said Everly. Who's Everly? My name is Eve."

"Uh Sorry. I heard someone say that name on TV and it just stuck." He was lying but thankfully his cursed love couldn't tell that he was in that moment. The drive to Granny's was silent and we entered the dinner together at the same time. I could feel eyes on me when we sat down in the nearest booth.

Ruby walked over to take our order. "What can I get you today?"

"An iced tea and a cheeseburger with pickles. And whatever the ladies wants she shall have." Gold extended his hand out to me.

I blushed not expecting that from him. "I'll do the same, just not the pickles."

"Gottcha." She walked away from us.

Laying my arms on the table I eyed my boss attempting to get a read on him. Something had obviously changed in him from the day Emma came into town. I just couldn't put my finger on what was different specifically. "What aren't you telling me, Gold. I know you're keeping something from me."

"I'm not hiding anything, dear. What makes you think I am?" He asked, still holding onto the menu and almost dropped it onto the floor before Ruby brought our food and drinks. He reached over to pick up the ketchup bottle changing the subject. "Have you ever tried it with this?"

"You're avoiding the question, meaning you are lying." I picked up my burger taking a bite out of it.

Gold just started eating his burger clearing his throat trying to start a conversation. "You never answered my question, Eve. But to answer yours I am not hiding anything."

"Not even how you feel about me. Professionally or romantically?" I sat my burger down raising a brow at him.

He takes a long sip of his drink. "Let's do this. We strike a deal where neither of us lie to each other unless we are trying to protect the other from something much greater."

"Deal! Now please tell me what you meant earlier by we were more than just a boss and employee relationship. Do you have feelings for me?" I hit my hands on the table throwing my hair over my shoulders needing some answers.

Gold smiled reaching across the table and holding my hand in his. "I do have feelings for you. In fact I was hoping I could take you out on a date sometime if you're up to it."

"Sure I would up to that - oh Uh we didn't order this." Granny's came over sliding me a piece of strawberry cake with chocolate icing.

She shrugged her shoulders walking off. "I'll be up at the register when you're ready to pay."

"Chocolate and strawberries are my favorite. But how did you know that?" I asked him shoving a bite in my mouth moaning in enjoyment at the taste.

He smiled squeezing my hand going to pay the bill. "Just a lucky guess, Eve. You enjoy your desert I'll be back shortly."

I stabbed myself another bite smiling at the thought. He certainly wasn't a bad guy like people thought he was. At least not around me. The dinner door opened and I moved my gaze seeing Henry slide in Gold's spot in the booth. "Hey Henry, what's new with you?"

"Tomorrow morning can you meet me at my castle?" He blurted out.

I coughed almost having the cake go down the wrong pipe. "What?"

"Can you meet there tomorrow yes or no?" He asked again looking over his shoulder while Gold was paying for lunch.

Tilting my head I didn't see why but he seemed like a nice kid so I agreed. "I should be able to. Can I know why?"

"Let's just say I think I've figured out who you really are. You and Mr. Gold." Henry gets to his feet leaving toward the bathroom when Gold came this way.

"What did he want?"

"I have no idea. Uh thanks for paying for lunch." I got to my feet following Gold outside with the kids words still buzzing in my h

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[itsjaywalkers]

Can you rate the marauders era characters on who’s got the best bed skills

I CAN NONNIE this ask is so fun but also i'm not gonna actually rate them as in . give them scores or anything, i'm just gonna give the sort of impression they give me sex wise <333

(only doing the marauders + lily + reg + pandora bc there are too many characters and it's 1am and i'm lazy) (sooooorryyyyy) (said like shiv in s3 e2)

james: he's annoyingly good at it, just like he is at everything else. he can fuck fast and hard or slow and sweet, whatever tickles ur fancy + he always prioritises ur pleasure over his. he has great stamina which often ends with their partners overstimulated bc he can never get enough. can get vvv kinky but he likes vanilla sex from time to time. oral fixation (loves to eat pussy and he does it like a CHAMP). a crier

sirius: very good at it even tho he isn't THAT interested in sex (when he finds someone he likes tho . he's insatiable). kinky and soooo loud, is never content with just one round. loves to be controlled and bossed around but he's gonna be a brat about it regardless, just bc he enjoys pushing boundaries + testing his partner's limits

peter: mediocre but decent enough. mostly into vanilla sex, likes it sweet and intimate. gets very nervous and unsure at first but grows confident as he begins to find out what his partner likes. NEEDS cuddles afterwards and loves to be reassured while at it (this is NOT about oby peter . oby peter Fucks . and he's insanely good at it)

remus: a Wet Sock of a man even when it comes to this. whimpers and groans and gets all desperate. he usually goes for hard and fast bc . u know . his furry little problem or whatever but he tends to check up on his partner afterwards, when his mind is a bit clearer, bc he worries about going too far (idk why i said partner it's sirius it's always sirius that man is obsessed with him). gets really into it, kinda loses his mind a little, turns a lil controlling bc of it

lily: she's Good. can be a bit of a brat but if u manage to push her until she breaks she gets all desperate and needy and almost obedient. she can also be very dominant, it depends on who her partner is really, but bc of all the pressure she puts on herself she kinda enjoys letting go. knows all the techniques and tricks in the book bc she needs to be the best at everything she does but secretly likes it a lot better when it's messy and sloppy

regulus: ooooh he's a tricky one. i feel like he enjoys sex and can be a bit of a slut but he also has soooo many issues with intimacy the act tends to come with a certain bitterness. he has fun but he overthinks so much it's never a completely pleasurable experience (at least at first, he needs some level of trust u know). he's all proud and fussy and tries to play hard to get but goes all pliant and soft when he's horny enough. unable to keep quiet, will talk back but still do what u ask of him (and enjoy it). king of sucking cock

pandora: she is the Moment. no one does it like her. will ruin her partner for everyone else and she knows she fucking Knows. very dominant, and the mean kind (but makes sure about what her partner can take or can't take beforehand). she's harsh and aggressive but will always cuddle u afterwards and make sure ur feeling okay and takes care of u if ur feeling too sore. vvvvv kinky, the weird and bordering on concerning type. definitely into blood and knife play

[silly-little-gooses]

my take on the folklore love triangle!

the folklore love triangle in order

tolerate it (BETTY’S POV)

Betty has suspicions that James is cheating on her. She doesn’t say anything about it because she doesn’t want to start conflict. She feels their relationship growing apart as the summer drags on. 

2. august (AUGUSTINE’S POV)

This song tells the beginning of the affair. Augustine talks about how her and James were just a summer fling but maybe, she wants it to be more. But she was being reckless and stupid in love, not seeing anything other than James. She doesn’t know that James has a girlfriend and longs to be with him.

3. mirrorball (JAMES’S POV)

James sings about the affair with Augustine and how he feels afterwards. He is conflicted and feels so many emotions at once. He feels guilty and anxious, but doesn’t know how to be better. He wants to be with Betty, but he can tell she’s upset.

4. betty (JAMES’S POV)

James feels incredibly guilty but manages to hide the affair. When the school year rolls around for their senior year, James finds out that Betty knows about the affair from their classmate, Inez. James confesses to everything and begs Betty for forgiveness, apologizing. 

5. illicit affairs (BETTY’S POV)

Betty reflects on her relationship with James. She realizes that he lied to her, his friends, Augustine, etc. She’s incredibly angry and sad. This song is her feelings towards James and Augustine. Betty realizes she can’t be with James anymore and breaks up with him.

6. this is me trying (JAMES’S POV)

James tries everything to get Betty back. He misses her too much and feels terrible. He realizes that nothing will change her mind, no matter what he does. He admits that he was reckless and made a mistake. His social life, family life, and academic life are getting worse and worse because of his declining mental health. 

7. peace (JAMES’S POV)

James decides that the only way to give himself and Betty peace is to get out of town. He joins the army to escape. He explains that even though he still loves Betty, he has to leave for each others well being.

8. epiphany (JAMES’S POV)

As James fights in a battle, he gets wounded and dies. He watches his life flash before his eyes and becomes conscious of everything. He dies at peace.

9. my tears ricochet (BETTY’S POV)

Betty goes to James’s funeral. She talks about how they haunt each other, just in different ways. She’s trying to forget everything and move on with her life. 

10. hoax (BETTY’S POV)

Over time, Betty goes crazy over James’ death. She holds on to the past, despite how much she wants to let it go. She creates an unhealthy mindset about their relationship and blames herself.

11. mad woman (BETTY’S POV)

Betty is mocked and ridiculed by her town. They all called her crazy and insane. Once popular but now all alone, Betty leaves town and moves to Rhode Island.

12. seven (BETTY’S POV)

Betty reflects on her younger years and how she wishes she could go back in time. Things could have been so different if she changed a few things. She wishes for her youth and innocence, back in the days where she didn’t have to worry about a thing.

13. the last great american dynasty (BETTY/REBEKAH’S POV)

After moving to Rhode Island, Betty changes her name to Rebekah and makes up a fake backstory for herself. She soon married Bill, the heir to the Standard Oil name. The entire town was shocked that a middle-class “divorcée” could marry the most promising man in the area. They moved into Holiday House. After Bill’s heart gave out, Rebekah spent the rest of her life having fun with friends and enjoying a lavish lifestyle. The town called her mad, crazy, and shameless. Soon, Rebekah grew old and Taylor moved into Holiday House. 

14. invisible string 

It’s all fate.

[myfanfictiongarden]

Alright, so yesterday I watched with my mum The Personal History of David Copperfield (2019) and the movie was great, there are many things I absolutely love about this version and my mum who never read the original novel enjoyed it too.

But there is one part, one scene actually that absolutely should have been placed a bit earlier and the dialogue be a tiny bit changed. Seriously, I was so upset that I kept rumbling about it for half an hour to her afterwards!!!

Spoiler opinion for The Personal History of David Copperfield as well as the novel David Copperfield.

So, in the movie, after David and the whole gang confront Uriah Heep there is this moment of Dora suddenly being among them as well and asking the audience why she is here- cut to David writing and her talking to him, asking after a while to be written out as she doesn’t belong there. Now if you’ve read the novel you know that Dora would try to be helpful to him and would ask to hold his pens, so I loved the movie addressing that. If you’ve read the novel you also know Dora wasn’t there at the Uriah confrontation because she died before that.

Look, I’m not saying the movie should have shown all their happy married life and her tragic death, but there was definitely a better way to address her death without showing it.

Here is what they should have done:

The movie goes on like filmed all up to the moment when David wants to propose to Dora. He tries to propose to her and then we suddenly cut to him writing. He is looking at the page he has been writing at when Dora appears, she asks him to hold his pens wishing to be useful. He turns back to writing but continues to just stare at the same page again. Dora seems to be thinking about things and, while still with a smile, she says a bit sadly to him “You know, we did have it wonderfully, didn’t we? But, Dody, please write me out. You have to let me go.” She places the pens back on the table and quietly leaves. David is silently watching the place she just stood before finally continuing to write. AFTER THAT we see aunt Betsy and Mr Dick arriving and telling that they’re all ruined and poor. After finding a new accommodation for the three of them David remembers he promised James they’ll go to the coast. The visit to Yarmouth happens like in the movie and everything else too.

Now why the change of scene with Dora? Because in the movie she is just randomly forgotten for a time and then suddenly appears in a comic way. But if that pen scene would have been earlier then people who didn’t read the book would say “Oh, she said no to the proposal and he was sad but had to move on because his life went just downhill after that and he mistakenly puts her into the story later again because he still missed her” BUT people who had read the book would say “Oh, it’s that pen-scene from the novel, and oh he can’t write on because their marriage was so short and she died, and her saying here Let me go is him copping with the fact that she is no more 😭 yet he has to write on because life doesn’t stop, look it’s aunt Betsy and Mr Dick and they all lost their money, but James pulls David for a moment out of misery taking him to the coast and David meets the people of his happiest memories again, life is colorful again until Emily runs away with James! Oh, London life is bleak but David still takes in the Macawer family - and look all of them made him a small study to write in, he needs to write everything down! Agnes appears and they confront Uriah! For a moment there is Dora (because David would still love for her to be part of the story, but she says “Cut me out, I don’t belong here”.) The storm is coming, Emily is found, James drowns, David confesses to Agnes that he loves her. Happy End after much sadness”

[fishisvibing]

Headcanon: Sirius loves to kiss people he loves on the mouth

So he kissed remus once and remus was utterly confused and had something like sexual awakening and he was like "uh... you like me?" while sirius was just "duh of course I love you silly moony"

Then he kissed lily and she was quite surprised but she did enjoy it knowing that sirius acknowledged her as one of his loved ones

He kissed james the most, he kissed him every morning and every night, from little pecks to aggressively eating each other's faces. Sometimes he would make lily jealous bc she didn't know how to kiss james like that, so she asked remus would it be a great idea to ask sirius to teach her and remus was like "whatttt???"

He kissed reg too but just on the corner of his mouth. Reg was flusttered and he would definitely scoff but soon he gave in and kissed sirius back

He once jumped at mcgonagall to give her a big thank you kiss but was stopped in time. He got a lecture afterwards but mcgonagall just sighed at him and told him it was okay to kiss her cheek, so he did it happily

After everything happened and sirius had nothing left but distant memories of his loved ones, he never kissed on anyone's mouth again. He only kissed remus and harry on the cheeks, on their noses and foreheads.

[mycupofrum]

Jilypad Week 2023

Day 2  

What Headcanons do you have for this ship? IE, things like how they got together or what they enjoy doing together.  Anything really.  

My Jilypad HCs:

I like the idea that Lily has always known that to be with James Potter means having Sirius Black in her life as well, but when she really understands how deep their bond is, it scares her and makes her a little jealous at first. This could happen for example after one of them nearly dies in an attack by Voldemort and the DEs, and afterwards James and Sirius are shaken to the core at the idea of either losing the other.

I have two options for how Lily sees James and Sirius: 1) Lily knows James is interested in Sirius before James does because he is so bad at hiding his feelings and all those lovey-dovey eyes he makes for Sirius, or 2) Lily realises James and Sirius already have a dating history together because of the way they are with each other, always sitting close to each other, hugging a little bit too long, Sirius knowing some really intimate details about James (e.g. he likes to be bitten in the neck, which Sirius reveals one night when they're all drinking together lol) and James acting jealous those few times Sirius decides to go on a date with someone. For whatever reason James has chosen to be with Lily but still misses Sirius, and Lily can't help but notice it.

Despite everything, Lily does get along with Sirius and they share a similar sense of wry humour. But after she realises how James really feels about him, she starts to pay more attention to Sirius, tries to see what James sees in him, and it’s not like it’s hard because Sirius is conventionally so damn attractive, but beyond that, she starts to see behind the distantly polite and/or completely cold image that Sirius shows most people (depending on whether he thinks someone is worth his minimum appreciation or not) and how he is with James (open, playful, warm, loving).  

Lily decides to have a conversation with Sirius, letting him know that she knows how he and James feel about each other, and she’s not going to stand in anyone’s way if it should come to that because love can’t be forced. Sirius is a little taken aback but ensures her that he’s pretty sure James only loves her, and he’s not going to come between her and James. That’s just how Sirius is, silently hurting, but he loves James so much that he just wants him to be happy, and if that’s with Lily, then so be it. Likewise, Lily is willing to give up on James as well if he genuinely wouldn't want to be with her.

Yet, Lily knows that James does love her, but he also loves Sirius. And Sirius...he’s loved James from the beginning. His loyalty to James moves Lily because she feels just as fiercely about James.

Eventually, Sirius opens up to Lily more. They definitely bond over having a difficult relationship with their siblings. Sirius is also so smart and knows so much about magic, even the kind that James doesn’t because the Black library with its books on very questionable spells used to be his escape during the summer holidays when he still lived at Grimmauld Place. Lily is impressed by Sirius's knowledge and magical abilities, and likewise he’s very impressed by her magic, especially her skills in charms and potions.

Sirius also doesn’t mind that Lily is ambitious to always strive to become better, which is something she appreciates, especially since she still feels a bit of an outsider on some things because she comes from a muggle family and doesn’t have the same kind of innate knowledge of the wizarding world than those who are born into it have. (James always says, “Nonsense, you're already amazing, you don’t have to prove yourself.” But she feels that she does have to prove herself, over and over again. James doesn’t understand it like Sirius does, who has to prove himself because of the family he comes from.)

Sirius is curious about muggle music, inventions and politics, and Lily is happy to talk about muggle topics with him.  

Lily knows only a little bit about Sirius’s background but nothing in detail because James has promised not to tell his best friend’s secrets to anyone, not even her, which she respects. When Sirius finally opens up about his family to her, she truly starts to appreciate him and the difficult choice he had to make from a young age to go against the Black family values, and what role James has played in his life.

Lily confesses to Sirius how hard it was to end her friendship with Snape. While Sirius has nothing good to say about him, he does understand loyalty and how much it hurts turn away from those you’ve grown up with. After that, Lily finds some kind of peace with the intense friendship that James and Sirius have. She also develops a closer friendship with Sirius and doesn’t mind having him around their house every day or as often as he can visit them.

When Lily dreams about Sirius for the first time, she wakes up sweaty and flushed next to James (who’s definitely dreaming about him too) and feels a little guilty about it. Yet, she can’t stop it and finds herself having more and more fantasies about Sirius, though she still loves James as much as ever, and this newly found interest in Sirius makes it all the more complicated for her. She also dreams of James and Sirius together, but instead of becoming jealous at the thought like she used to, it’s now a turn on for her. Oh dear. 

James is too conventional to realise they could all be together, so Lily thinks she should probably do something about it to make it happen. She talks to Sirius first, who is surprised but eventually agrees that this is something they should all explore.

Meanwhile, James is clueless about everything, loving them both while trying his best to keep it romantic with Lily and platonic with Sirius (bless him). When Lily kisses James and then turns him towards Sirius, and he kisses James and then Lily, it’s an explosion of fireworks in James's mind, because this is everything he never knew he could have.

This is still a bit unfinished in my mind and became almost a fanfic on its own but whatever. 😀 You can make this trio get together in so many different ways and this is just one interpretation. Also, everyone stays very much alive in this AU.

[dropintomanga]

Anime NYC 2023 - I Still Have a Place

What a weekend.

Anime NYC 2023 just ended and while there were a few things I didn't like, I really enjoyed my time there this year. And more importantly, it was a personal epiphany for me.

I started the weekend by attending the Viz Media panel. There weren't really any significant announcements, but Yoshifumi Tozuka, the creator of Undead Unluck, stopped by and he was great. It was a teaser of his own panel the following day, but Tozuka-sensei did enlighten fans about Undead Unluck and how he wanted to present the series to fans worldwide.

After that, I went to the Autism in the Anime Fan Community panel. This was a live panel version of the "Autism in the Anime Fan Community - Solo Version" video by James Williams, an anime fan diagnosed with autism and a public speaker on autism awareness. James has been doing the panel at various conventions over the past couple of years. It was a very raw and vulnerable panel on the challenges those with autism face at conventions. James also had a special guest, Larissa Grabois, an artist who uses music and art to teach people about children living with autism. She has music videos and books pertaining to autism on her website and I will be paying very close attention. This provided much food for thought.

After that, I didn't stick around for the night panels. Though It was nice to hear Denpa license the ODDTAXI manga as I know people who adored the anime when it came out.

So onto Saturday, I went to the Yen Press panel and was impressed with what they did. They did a fun "Know the Editors" section alongside their announcements, where each editor would promote a title they work on and provide "Useful Nihongo" (which isn't actually useful in a regular context) to use. It was pretty funny to see. Yen Press also gave a shout out to The Summer Hikaru Died, which I yelled "YES!" to. Not many of the new titles they licensed caught my eye, but the one that did was She Likes Gays, But Not Me. I will say this - the manga isn't a romantic comedy and that's why I can't wait for its release in 2024.

Afterwards, I went to the Dark Horse Manga panel. There wasn't really anything new announced per say, but they did promote the latest Deluxe Edition of Berserk and the 1st omnibus of Innocent coming out very soon. Also, Carl Horn and Zack Davisson are truly the manzai duo of the manga industry scene. They have a very fun chemistry that really takes the best of both of their personalities and mixes them into something you really don't see in manga publisher panels. Both also know A LOT about comics in general. If you ever get a chance to see a Dark Horse Manga panel, do it. Carl and Zack really make worth it your while.

I didn't stick around for the later panels on Saturday night, but I know the Kodansha Manga panel that happened that night was great. There's a LOT of fun stuff coming out from them in the future. Blue Lock has become arguably THE big mainstream manga hit of 2023. I love a lot of their titles as their stories are often ones I value highly. What I'm looking forward from them? Home Office Romance (which was REALLY popular in the manga Reddit) and Sheltering Eaves (Another Rie Aruga story? Sign me up).

On Sunday, I only attended the Star Fruit Books panel. I got to learn a lot about the company being there and it was actually a small group of people who attended. So it made for a more intimate experience compared to other industry panels. Even though the publisher started during COVID, they have made huge strides in being an strong publisher of independent manga (alongside Denpa). I actually inquired about them possibly licensing manga stories from indie creators about mental health/illness because I have heard there's a lot of manga out there in Japan that covers those topics.

After that, I was done with everything. I did manage to get some nice items from booths and played mahjong with the Riichi Nomi club.

I think the convention was fine for the most part. It was crowded, but I didn't feel overwhelmed. I always had space to move around. The only things that stood out to me were that some of the panel rooms were a bit too warm to my liking and that the gaming area just felt too tight. In particular, mahjong. My club's presence last year had a good amount of space for mahjong. This year, we were relegated to the show floor and to a far end corner of the convention center. I hope this changes next year.

(Side note: NYC public transit on the weekend continues to suck ass. Why have a train stop right next to the convention center when weekend construction would prevent trains from stopping there? Sigh.)

And speaking of next year, Anime NYC 2024 will happen in the summer - August 23-25, 2024. It's going to be the bang that ends summer convention season in the U.S. after Anime Expo, San Diego Comic-Con and Otakon. There's definitely concerns about the timing, but they will have the FULL convention center at their disposal. I don't mind honestly as I dislike going to a convention when it's happening a month before winter starts.

Anyway, I'm going to finally make a reference to the headline of my post. For those of you who read my birthday post, anime and manga don't seem to inspire me a great deal lately. Getting into mahjong was one of the best things I did for my mental health over the past 2 years. Despite being a manga blogger, I was becoming more of a mahjong addict.

However, when I arrived to the con on Friday, I was greeted by a manga journalist/colleague that I hadn't seen in years. It was a surprise to see them and we caught up. We had a wonderful discussion about manga, comics and pop culture.

And then on Saturday, I got to meet people I followed on Twitter that I never met in person. I even reunited with a few blogger folks along the way. We talked about manga and convention trends that made me smile. I also met up with Anime for Humanity (who I volunteered in the past) and finally met its founder at the event. I even reunited with a local Japanese culture personality that I hadn't talked to in years. It felt really cool.

To cap it off, I finally reunited with Peter Tatara, who was working the Japan Society booth. For those who don't know, he is the founder of Anime NYC and now Director of Film at Japan Society New York. He also has a long and established history of promoting anime in New York. When I first started my foray into anime fandom in 2008, it was Peter who MCed events at the Kinokuniya NYC store that got me hyped. We worked together at those events a few times due to a mutual connection we both shared. Even though he's a huge and very busy personality now, Peter would take the time to talk to me in years past. We both shared laughs and talked about how long we known each other.

Ever since I got so deep into mahjong, I questioned my place in the manga fan community. I wasn't active as much on Twitter as other online manga personalities these last few years. While I do get hyped, I don't get heavily excited covering manga license announcements. I don't have a huge manga collection at home. I struggle to keep up with everything.

And then someone at the con told me that because of my interest in what's happening the world regarding mental health problems that plague communities, I still bring a certain view that's unique and refreshing to hear. After meeting and reuniting with a bunch of faces, I can't leave the manga blogging scene. I just can't. I love talking about manga so much still. Mahjong still has a place in my heart, but there's nothing that gets me going like talking about the stories and characters that shape people's lives.

What's more important is that being around the industry/pros/press folks I was with at Anime NYC tell me that I still have a place here. I may not be attending everything manga-related, but I want to be the person from the shadows who talks about things that definitely deserve to be heard. Besides, it's much cooler doing things in the shadows than being in the spotlight.

An old friend I saw at the convention on Sunday said that I looked the happiest I've been in years. Mahjong definitely played a huge part in that and I want to bring that energy back into my manga blogging.

I've been going to conventions for 15 years now. So many people in my life that I met via conventions have come and gone. People that I wish were still here. I have often felt lonely. Being 41 now also doesn't help either.

And yet, I keep meeting new people at conventions like Anime NYC who inspire me and value my take on things. I may not be living the best life, but I'm definitely happy-ish with what I have now. And that's all I ever wanted to ask for.

Also, thank you to everyone I talked to at Anime NYC. I'm now really ready for the 2nd half of my life.

[speyeralling-down-thy-majesty]

OOC: Realised that I haven't updated their statement in a loooong while,and that a lot of their backstory has changed, so here it is,an updated statement

Statement of Amelie A. Liddel regarding their Becoming. Statement provided directly by subject,June 5th,2020.

My name is Amelie Alice LiddeI.I was born in London ,to a man named James and a woman with the name Celine. My father was a busy man,loving his work more than his only child,substituting his love with material goods and experiences I did not ask for,nor like. And my mother? Well,I don’t really remember her that much. She left early on,unable to stand my workaholic father.That much about myself I can remember with semi-clear ease,though a whole lot of memories are fragmented and twisted beyond comprehension.

One of the things I clearly remember, though,is how and why I ended up here, working at the institute.

You see, I always loved books.I mean,it should come as no surprise, especially given my occupation. I was raised to appreciate the written word and its beauty. When it came to why I loved them so much, though… I greatly enjoyed letting myself get lost in the unreality, drinking in the knowledge and the words. I would spend hours reading, ignoring the reality outside the pages. The reality that demanded unbreaking perfection and countless facades. With books I was safe to be myself.

My curiosity and nearly ravenous hunger for knowledge always were a big part of me. I was a curious child, sticking my nose into things I had no bussiness to, just because I wanted to know. Even when growing up,it was hard to keep things hidden from me, literally and metaphorically. I used to pry and ask and try to know until I was pushed away, until everyone got sick of me. I just couldn't stay in the dark.

Besides being a collection of knowledge,books were the perfect getaway for me as well.They were fascinating and so entrancing!! Especially old fairy tales,those were my secret favorites. Unlike the dry classics my father wanted me to read. Those were too difficult for me to understand either way. Obviously, I would have never admitted that,it would have cracked the perfect, serious academic image I was trying so hard to achieve,and made my father disappointed in me.

Ultimately I gathered the courage and decided- I want to spend more of my life being surrounded by what makes me the happiest- books. It wasn't that much of a lie for once as well, actually. Working as a librarian became my ultimate goal, something I put my everything into, just to achieve. Afterall, what's better for a book lover like me than to be surrounded by books full time? My father wasn’t too displeased with my decision either way. He had hoped for more,and bigger,but reassuring him that it’s only a stepping stone helped plenty. I don't think he would have let me leave if I told him the truth. That I did

With a fresh degree,and no experience in all of this,a silly little overambitious me applied as a librarian at The Magnus Institute, almost as a joke,just to see how badly I would be rejected.It was one of the bravest things I have ever done,an uncalculated,spontaneous move.

I was metaphorically losing my mind from happiness after receiving an answer. I was accepted! I didn't think it was real,I had no hope,considering how weird the interview was. What kind of self respecting academic institution asks their potential workers questions about their biggest fears?

Like usual, I lied my way through that as well, there's no way I could have told this creepy stranger about what really I was afraid of: disappointing everyone with the real me, having them find out how much of a loser Alice Liddel actually was.

It was all I wanted, really .To be able to work among the things I wanted,and to make my father somewhat proud by being accepted into a widely known academic place. Things were easy and smooth afterwards. Being a librarian wasn’t hard,checking out books,managing returns and new arrivals was… almost fun,I'd say. The added bonus of it being one of the apparently safest positions helped as well. I didn’t think any of the supernatural encounters I have heard rumours of would ever happen to me. What's so dangerous about some old dusty books? Oh,how wrong I was.

One day,while I was managing new arrivals, I came across the most gorgeous book. Shimmering, seemingly shifting with strange colours,cover adorned by interlocking spirals and nearly ethereal looking fractals . I needed to read it.I couldn't just put it back and go on with my day like nothing happened. Trust me, I tried. But the thought of what it promised lingered at the back of my mind, scratching like a needy cat.

So fuck it. I sneaked the book into the reading room,fully intending just to glance at it and put away. But my curiosity grew the more I examined it. Looking away was difficult. Was it something I wanted myself, or was the thought of not knowing too scary to ignore?

When I started reading it,I was enthralled. Admittedly,it was so confusing,none of the words actually made any sense,and yet I understood it perfectly. Somehow. It was almost as if the book was speaking to me personally. It’s ridiculous,books can’t speak, I'm not sure where I got that thought from at that time,but I did feel like it spoke,in its own way.

It told me things. So... Many... Things... Things that could never be possible, truths that were wrong,so,so many things that I couldn't comprehend,too much,too many and it made my head hurt. Everything was a lie,and yet everything felt like a truth. I couldn’t bear the nonsense,so I forced it close,forced myself to look away. I really hoped I won’t have any lingering effects from that. I just wanted to forget what I read,erase my mind from the overload of strange knowledge that managed to change my perception of reality.

I think it has stayed with me since.I never looked at..anything the same since. My view of reality has been twisted and I truly did not know how to cope with that. But I had to.I was everyone’s perfect little Amelie,always calm and smiling,no matter what horrors life threw at me.What I read was driving me crazy,everything felt like a lie,but I suppose it wasn’t any different from my usual life.

The strange fractals I saw haunted me every time I closed my eyes or lost focus. They.were everywhere. I even saw them on my skin if I stared long enough. Colourful and shifting,but never fully there.

Later on,I developed a headache that nothing would soothe,a mad pain. Trust me, I've tried soothing it to the best of my abilities. I took so many different types of painkillers, I went as far as disregarding my physical well being. After all, nothing else matters much when you're being driven mad by pain. You just want it to stop. One way or another. And if you can’t,you just plaster on a smile and continue on.

My dreams were haunted by books that didn't make sense. Written in symbols I couldn't comprehend,yet my mind forced me to understand them. I don't know how,but it did. Does it make sense? Probably not,my mind was already too broken by the time the dreams started. Some nights I wished I could stop sleeping,so I could take a break from the fractals and the twisted truth they spoke. My wishes came back to me tenfold,as I started sleeping less and less.

A few months later, I noticed how looking in the mirrors only showed a warped reflection… My eyes weren't the same either.They seemed to swirl in spirals of strange colours,not unlike those of the cover of the book that doomed me. It hurt to look at myself-everything seemed too bright. I don't think I could even comprehend what I saw,and how much of it was still me.

And yet,for some reason, nobody else saw anything wrong with me. To everyone else,the book was always normal. Even I was normal to them,though what do you expect when you force yourself into a facade so well you start to believe it yourself? I started to believe them. They could not see,not know,that I was becoming a twisted version of myself,so that must have meant everything was fine,the facade was strong.

Time stopped having meaning long ago,though I’m sure by the time I obviously lost it,a year had passed. I was somehow still doing my job well enough not to be questioned. Maybe the Eye helped as well? I remember the ease with which knowledge came to me,especially regarding books.Most of it was twisted,and odd,but it was knowledge that wasn’t there nonetheless. I remember feeling watched,obviously,but I just chalked it up to the overall weirdness of the Institute. In a way,it almost was comforting? Maybe someone could See,Know what was happening to me.

If you were to look at me back then,you could only tell I was stressed. It didn’t look like I was scared. But I was. My mind was the most precious thing to me. I couldn’t trust anything,anyone,even myself! It was so hard… Was that person in front of me something my mind made up to mess with me,or was it just the coworker that I didn’t interact with often? How is it Thursday already? I woke up an hour ago and yet it was Monday?? It didn’t make any sense,it was disorienting and I felt like I was in a dream. I was having panic attacks daily.

One time at work,I simply…broke down laughing. I was overcome with mad hysteria,everything in me broke. I couldn’t do it,running away from whatever madness was in me was too tiring,the facade already broke either way. What else was left to do besides welcoming the madness with open arms,letting it twist and distort anything that once was truly me? It was oddly comforting,not having to put any effort into living out a facade,it felt like I could finally be myself. So in a sense,my demise was my salvation.

Statement ends.

[avesgraveyard]

hey hi sorry i just came on here to rant for a moment about your road trip au.

so i was rereading my favorite chapters cause ive been haing a bit of a DAY (chapter 3,4, and 6, by the way, i have quotes written in my ACTUAL JOURNAL from them). and ive come on here to make two things known.

first of all, the mix between humour and plot and pining and FUCKING HEARTBREAK is done soooo soooo well. i mean, how are 'James glances down quickly, not even having the decency to look embarrassed. “These? They’re my Jar Jar underwear. Evan got them for me. Are we really not going to have sex?”' and 'Evan scoffs dismissively, eyes rimmed with red, and Regulus feels like everything between his ribs is being ripped out.' be in the SAME FUCKING CHAPTER. HOW. and youve encapsulate each character so well, you've given them layers and plot and FEELINGS AND SHIT AND ITS SO COOL.

but also on a more serious not i feel like we need to talk about evan and chapter 6. what the fuck. what the fuck. the way his ed started because he wanted to look like reg so he was 'enough' for the man who he loved but wasnt in love with him. that is so fucking devastating but so real? everything about the chapter was so real and so twisted but at the same time like just waht the fic needed. and the fact that reg knew about the ed but doesnt know the reason is so upsetting too shit.

anyway i have a few questions for future chapters if you dont mind.

will regulus ever find out the reason behind evans ed?

mattheo from chapter 3 (dorcas' hot model canadian friend) will he show up and cause some drama?

whose pov is the next chapter?

how many chapters b4 the dorcas chapter?

sorry i dont mean to be a bitch but WHEN IS EVAN/ BARTY GONNA KISS HIM?? WHEN?? (im eating this shit up dw but ya girls gotta know)

weve had evan/barty/reg povs and we know we're getting a dorcas pov but are we gonna get james/marlene/pandora?

i adore your fic, its my favortie rosekiller story ever ever ever and i cant wait for the next chapter. thank you for writing this masterpiece have a good day:)))))))

hey sweetheart, first of all wow, thank you, I'm so glad that you enjoy the fic!!!

IM SO HAPPY WITH THE HUMOUR/PINING/HEARTBREAK thing, cause I'm always so worried about making it too happy/sad so i try to mix it up a bit, so thank you!!

evans character is SO personal to me, he is just. writing him i couldn't stop, the words just kept going and i was like shit dude. well. that's truly upsetting, but the amount of people who told me afterwards how much the character and the situation meant to them made me fuckin SOB.

and the questions!

im so on the fence about this i will have to get back to you

yes he WILL, tysm for asking, he most definitely is making an entrance.

the chapter I'm CURRENTLY writing (8) is what i assume you mean, and it is split barty first and then evan.

babe idek i thought it was 1 last chapter and now there's another so maybe next next chapter (9) and if not then definitely the one after that.

HAHAHAH I HAVE NO IDEA!!! its gonna happen (they get close this chapter!!)

ummm we will defo be getting a pandora chapter at one point but that'll probably be a little ways away, and james. boy do i have a chapter for james. marlene may not get one but she will be featuring heavily in the james/dorcas/next (8) chapter.

thank you thank you for this ask is means the world