#(I think it's just that I personally struggle to draw most things masculine so I love seeing ppl able to do that well.)

[verygaypurplething]

If you draw croissant thin with an hourglass figure I will run screaming

[meanbossart]

i just need to take a second to gush about how much i love durge drow and astarion, they feel so fleshed out and perfectly written together in their fucked up wretched ways. They really inspire me to write more for my own tavs, hopefully one day ill be able to say im as happy with my own work as i get when seeing yours. I have to ask though, do you have any tips on drawing head shapes and faces? or maybe about wrinkles? i find i really struggle with that stuff when drawing and i adore how expressive and grungey all your art looks!

First of all thank you so much, I love hearing what people think of the two of them together 😭

Honestly you've hit on something that's quite near and dear to my heart, I love developing and figuring how to draw and stylize different faces to get the most unique, interesting looking results - everything about the details is highly rewarding to me. What does x type of nose look like from this angle? In this style? How can this eyeshape best translate to my art? How different does a face look when its making this expression? What does that MOUTH DO? etc etc.

In fact you kind of inspired me to put a little tutorial/guide together the last hour lmao and what a blessing it is that the two current subjects of this blog serve as great models here, being that their faces are basically polar opposites!

When it comes to heads, you've probably heard it a dozen times before that you want to think of them in terms of geometry and facets; my process to drawing them is pretty conventional so I won't spend too much time on it, but it goes something like this:

Obviously I don't do every single one of these steps most of the time, which is just something that comes from practice/developing muscle memory, but it is helpful to start off this way for two main reasons:

By making these guide lines and splitting a head into pieces like this, you'll have an easier time seeing and understanding it as a multidimensional object, and in turn, facilitate It for you when you venture out into doing wacky angles and lighting.

Making different headshapes starts HERE. notice how Astarion's "face" slate is narrower and longer, how my durge's jaw pieces sit lower on the head, how all of the same pieces came together in the same way but we ended up with one real pointy elf and a real brick of a drow - making characters look different successfully begins very early in the sketching process.

The next thing you want to do branches out into every day life: start noticing yours and other people's facial features. How does an upturned nose look from a high angle? How does the size of someone's cheekbones affect what they look like when they smile? How about when the light hits them a certain way? Does someone's lip shape changes when they pout? When they laugh? How does a person's hairline change the shape of their face? You do NOT need to creepily sketch every stranger you see on the bus, but get into the habit of actually noticing what people look like when you talk to them - when you look at pictures, when you watch movies - make a mental list of interesting ways mouths, noses, and eyes can come together in a variety of different proportions to make completely distinct looking mugs, and how they change depending on how you are looking at them.

Light and shadow play a HUGE role in how faces look, too, basically as crucial as actual bone structure does. As you see up there I tried to rough out how natural, head on, and underhead light would look on these two very different looking guys, and while we can see definite patterns, there are small differences that come to be because of the sizes and shapes of their features.

Here is a very, very basic look at how some of these features come to look the way they do, how they interact with one another, and how they compare between a blocky, rather conventionally "masculine" head and one that's much softer and slimmer.

Note please that it is not one or two characteristics that give a chaarcter their "look"; you can reduce a face to eyes, mouth, and nose through stylization and still have them be recognizable, but if you want to do more than that, you have to consider the whole package! Chin, cheeks, brows, direction of the jaw, slope and size of the forehead, depth of eyes, ridge of the nose, etc - I know this is probably far more than you bargained for, but if you start making note of a FEW of these things now and slowly add on, this will eventually become second nature to you.

Similarly, understanding how these characteristics come together will help you with rendering light and shadow in a realistic way, and predicting what their facial expressions may look like - if no two people are alike, neither are their smiles. :)

Lastly, remember that I'm no expert - I have developed my own methods and semiotics and yours may look slightly (or vastly) different, and that's fine! I hope only that by sharing this it has given you a base to work off of.

Anyways, I HOPE this has been helpful and not just the unsolicited ramblings of a face pervert.

[zoolitsky-fandom]

MORE HEADCANONS BECAUSE I’M ALL POWERFUL

Please don’t get upset if you disagree with any of these!! This is just how I see the characters ^^ More context about the headcanons under the cut!

Nami

Transfem lesbian!!

Basically married to Vivi (who isn’t pictured but she gives me demigirl bisexual energy with a preference to girls)

CHUBBY BECAUSE I SAY SO!!!!! 🧡🧡🧡

And she’s still beautiful and wonderful and Sanji still simps for her. Chubby people are gorgeous

She’s technically pale but tanned a bit from being outside so much

Aaand bandaid because she’s literally just a normal girl and is susceptible to minor injuries unlike the other weird built different ppl on the crew (aside from Usopp)

sPEAKING OF USOPP!!! She’s absolute besties with him like they talk about everything and anything and gossip and all that jazz. They’re so special to me.

I’m not sure if bipolar fits entirely, but there’s definitely something with her mood swings and the intensity of her emotions. If this is insensitive at all please inform me

Chopper

Agender aroace reindeer fella??? SiGN ME UP

Both male and female reindeers have antlers so I used that to my advantage because gender silly

I think Chopper uses they/he/it, but slightly prefers to be referred to by their name rather than pronouns

Chopper has attachment issues, but I couldn’t find anything other than avoidant attachment disorder (which doesn’t seem entirely fitting). But it definitely gets very attached to others when it trusts them and has a hard time moving on.

Also I just like to draw Chopper more reindeer-like than Chopper’s canon design but aside from that I don’t really make too many design changes? Just… floofy Chopper… 🩷🩷🩷

Usopp

Panromantic asexual!!

Down bad for Sanji (he has terrible taste /j)

I had a revelation after drawing this so Usopp isn’t actually cis lol- they’re a demiboy but in a genderfluid kind of way, some days he feels more masculine and other days they feel more androgynous

I have very mixed feelings about the hair highlights,, I lowkey might not keep them but it was an experiment

FRECKLES!!! USOPP HAS FRECKLES PASS IT ON PASS IT ON!!!! 💛💛💛 Bandaid like Nami because!! They’re literally just a normal teenager!!!

Usopp has anxiety and borderline personality disorder because the feelings of superiority and inferiority? The constant fear? Being immune to Perona’s ghosts from dealing with mental illness their entire life???

Luffy

Asexual grayromantic

If he had a partner it would be gay regardless of his own gender expression (I’m projecting because I feel gay when I’m attracted to anyone)

Genderfluid, some days they prefer different pronouns but most of the time they use all at once (also is this ironic bc Luffy can’t swim but is swimming in fluid pronouns)

King of the pronouns!!! King of the genders!!! Will steal your pronouns and gender!!! Watch out!!!

I gave her vitiligo on a whim to be 100% honest, but I feel like it’s very fitting and also very fun to draw ❤️❤️❤️

I only did a headshot here because I have another post with a bunch of other drawings of this Luffy

I feel like I don’t need to explain but Luffy is very very AuDHD to me

He has so much energy and is easily distracted and gets really focused on things and likes to talk about anything and everything

Sanji

Bisexual-est guy on the planet (loves all boobs /hj)

Down bad for Usopp (they have great taste)

Demiboy but in an interchangeable kinda bigender way, he’s just both enby and male at the same time

Darker roots!! Sanji’s body hair is always notably darker than his blonde hair so I decided on darker roots

CURLY/WAVY FLUFFY HAIR SANJI SUPREMACY 💙💙💙

Depression—WHICH THEY ALL OBVIOUSLY HAVE BUT

Depression in the sense it’s the reason he smokes. It’s a kind of coping mechanism.

It makes them dazed enough that they don’t have to fully feel their own despair

GIVE HIM HEALTH PROBLEMS ODA YOU COWARD. I KNOW HE’S UNREASONABLY BUILT DIFFERENT BUT LIKE

Imagine Sanji wheezing and struggling to breathe after a fight!! Emotional scene with Chopper trying to convince them to stop smoking!!

Robin

Pansexual

Married to Franky 💜💜💜

Intersex demigirl! Like- the whole being called a monster/demon her whole life and trying to find someone who accepts her is such a good (unintentional) metaphor for the gender discovery experience,,

GIVE ROBIN THEIR MELANIN BACK!!! I don’t care if it wasn’t their original colors… neither were the blue eyes but I’m giving both to them because they deserve it!!

I wanted to give Robin more of a curly hair texture but I was concerned it would start to not really resemble her. I might play around with it another time though and see if I can achieve something still recognizable

PTSD

Do I even have to explain that-

They are traumatized and get flashbacks and night terrors

Franky

Bisexual

Married to Robin 🩵🩵🩵

TRANSMASC. I AM THE BIGGEST BELIEVER OF TRANS FRANKY.

He was abandoned by his birth parents, he has a name he doesn’t use anymore, calls everyone bro regardless of gender, HE LITERALLY REBUILT HIS ENTIRE BODY-

Even though Franky’s a cyborg I gave him visible top surgery scars. I think he would show them off with pride and doesn’t necessarily need/want to be seen as a cis man. He’s just a man who once had boobs yk?

The underside of his hair is an even brighter blue because silly!!

ADHD—he hyperfixates like a madman and is also very loud and passionate. Also idk if this is an actual ADHD thing but like he’s super empathetic and cries easily? I’m like that too so idk lol

Zoro

Demihomoromantic asexual

Hopelessly, dare I say pathetically, in love with Luffy. I want to clarify that this doesn’t make Zoro less gay and this doesn’t make Luffy less genderfluid.

Also as much as I adore trans Zoro, I think the fact that he’s a cisgender feminist is important. So I headcanon him as cis.

FLUFFY HAIR ZORO FLUFFY HAIR ZORO FLUFFY HAIR ZORO 💚💚💚

I can’t decide whether or not I like the striped hair,, I’m still on the fence about it lol

Covered in scars because he’s done so much training and fighting, I know they kind of look like something else but they aren’t, don’t worry

Idk why but I always give him a dark green undershirt

Autistic!! He has a narrow range of emotions, makes nonverbal grunts, super into swords, he’s blunt, follows routine, etc.

Aaaand that’s all of them! Phew! Thank you so much for reading 💖

Reblogs, asks, and comments are super appreciated!!

[littelestvic]

About the Damon Baker x Kris Gustin photo session and what it means to me as a queer artist obsessed with Joker Out

Note, this is not me trying to look smart and trying to talk about someone else's art pieces, although my dearest Daria made a small analysis on the Kris-Bojan set that I found very interesting, and it is interesting that these are a somewhat subjective views of Bojan and Kris's souls, or at least a visual representation of themselves as people. In any case, this is, if anything, an overview of what these art pieces make me feel and their significance to me.

First I must admit, as an artist, that these photos are beautiful and actually hold a lot of artistic value from my perspective. I think these should be seen as pieces of art and must be perceived in a different way than other Joker Out photos. However it is still very interesting how much these photos actually talk about the subject: these pieces are an exploration of Kris Gustin, the person portrayed, and I've honestly never have seen portraits that explore the nature of the subject in such a personal manner. Kris is displayed in a subjective, intimate way, whether how Damon sees him or how Kris himself sees himself deep down. I'm sure more elaborate and accurate explanations of Damon's art can be found online, as I actually didn't know of his work until now, but as I was able to read he focus a lot on the intimacy of the subject.

Anyways, there's a clear theme this session follows: femeninity and vulnerability. The usage of visible makeup (a first time for Kris on camera if I'm aware), the flowers, the exposed skin, the cloth (a typical femenine piece of clothing on Balkan/Slavic cultures), I think they were all choices to purposefully provide a more femenine vision of Kris. But he still allows himself to do poses similar to those I've seen him do before, there's still a hint of the Kris I know, his posing flows naturally and doesn't feel forced because this is just a natural extension of what he is, this is a natural exploration of his most femenine side, he is simply letting himself flow.

I think we all know Kris seems to be a man with a complex relationship with normative gender roles. Even as a cishet man he has this appearance and mannerisms that can be more related to a more "femenine" convention of gender and I have always wondered if he has ever struggled with this, and that if he has ever felt forced to keep the normative conventions of what a man should be. Things like asking to have his hair cut shorter after being called a girl when he was a child, or denying to be put makeup on by fans, he sometimes tried to run away from things that could be perceived as "feminine", maybe out of insecurity, maybe out of fear.

But there he is,

Glitter on his eyes,

Flower in his head,

Embracing himself.

I am a person with a complex relationship with gender roles. I was born a woman. I am short and tiny and have feminine features that simply cannot be ignored. I will forever be perceived as a woman by the people around me. I look like a girl, I have long hair because I am not allowed to have it short and I wear women's clothes. And while I don't want to be a girl, my relationship with femininity is actually very strong. I like pretty things, I like sparkles and pink, I like everything girly, I like girls. I've been told it's stupid to perceive myself as a guy since I look so girly, since I like so many girly things, and in times I don't feel I have deserved the masculine pronouns I use and my neutral name I've given myself (the ones I can only use online out of fear).

So I try to put some sense into it. I draw girly things because I like girly things. I draw men because I want to be like men. I draw men in pretty soft pinks and sparkles and sequins because that's what I am.

And I've found a safe place in Kris, with his non conforming masculinity that more often than not becomes femininity. As many other people like me, I like him because he helps me put sense to my feelings. I draw him in soft pastels and pretty clothes and delicate features because in my mind, if a man like him can be allowed to be femenine, then I can allow myself to feel the way I feel too. I can allow myself to simply not fit any binary gender convention, and I can allow myself to be myself. I like Kris because I find a part of me in himself, I relate to him and I see myself in his eyes. It is a complex relationship where I don't necessarily like him because I find him attractive, I am not actually sexually attracted to him; I see myself in him, in my own little weird way. I have distorted my own reality to make my own perception of him fit my needs. This is why I draw him the way I draw him. And perhaps that's why so many praise how I draw Kris. It is unique because it's personal. And I know he doesn't necessarily see himself this way, at least not in the degree I do. My Kris talks much more about how I see myself than how I see him. The way I draw Kris represents myself. My Kris is myself.

So when I saw him in this session, with the glimpse and the passion and the attitude I draw him like, it felt special.

"He looks like my art" I told myself. "He's seen himself the way I see him."

This is Kris,

This is my Kris,

This is me.

So I'm very thankful for Kris trying to open himself, and embracing this vulnerable side of him I purposefully push into the narrative of my art. He called these "therapy sessions", so I can't help but wonder if these have been helpful to him, if he has found something about him, if he has learnt to accept himself the way he is. He has helped me cope with complicated subjects of my life, and I cling to him to keep with life. He is my special little obsession that keeps me alive. So I can't help but sometimes wonder if he's happy, If he's loved, if he's content with himself.

And I think this exploration of himself will be very helpful to his soul. I am very proud of him, I am hopeful for his future, and I wish him the best.

I love you, my muse, and thank you for allowing yourself to see you with my own eyes.

[alenseress]

do u see sanji as some brand of genderqueer or more transfem? i love both sm but im curious about ur view specifically

Kind of both honestly. The headcanons I draw usually aren't put together in the same timeline, mostly it's just things I'd love to explore. As his character in general, genderqueer/gender-fluid Sanji is my favourite because the idea of them growing into their femininity instead of internalising it makes me feel a lot. I see him as someone pretty comfortable with presenting masculine most of the time, but (I ranted a lot about this on twitter lol) intentionally or not, identity struggle is a big part of his character and I really wish it wasn't written off as just a running gag. Thriller Bark was sort of a break off for Sanji's development and, in my head, if Oda continued working on their inner world instead of just kind of shallowing Sanji out, some sort of gender flexibility would be a beautiful conclusion for them. So, that's my "canon" rendition of Sanji

Canon and Oda's writing is the reason I'm kind of reluctant to push my thoughts on Sanji being a trans woman to a bigger public because I feel like it correlates with a lot of harmful stereotypes about trans women, which makes me personally and other trans folks uncomfortable. With how the original source treats Sanji, I really don't want the wrong audience to turn something so joyful into something vile. She's very dear to me, I think she would've been an amazing character with an amazing story that I'm absolutely loving to explore rn, but I'm keeping her for myself and all of you hehe

[writergeekrhw]

I just want to offer an alternative take on Kira’s behaviours being queer coded (Is it the short hair? The anger? I don’t know what people mean tbh, sounds… stereotypical and rude to queer women tbh), I never got those vibes as a young person watching her, never would have occurred to me at the time. I’m not judging I just have a very different view the character let me explain.

What I did get from her was that she was young and female and religious and angry and she was ALLOWED to be all those things. And I was ALL those things too, and it meant, and still does mean, the world to me that she was like that but ALSO competent and respected and loveable even though she was so, so angry, frustrated, and DONE at the injustice in her life. I (also some close friends) was going though some dark times myself when I was young, and Kira was a beacon of hope. And as she grew in her character arcs, and faced her own prejudices from Marritza to everything else, to me that was saying you can do it. If Kira can do it, can look her shitty past in the eye and say I will break this cycle and do better and unlearn and grow, you can do it too. Back to dark stuff and queer coding - I’ve seen people blast Kira getting more “feminine” (again, what? The hair? Softer personality? She learned to be gracious, is that so bad? Angry redhead stereotypes aren’t great) over time as bad and anti-queer, but to this young person it was… sometimes young women go through things at the hands of oppressors and making yourself unappealing and masculine is a choice for safety. Men don’t want ugly. So seeing her grow past that too, seemed like a culmination of her safety and maybe by extension bajor’s as metaphor.

Maybe this is a stupid interpretation but I did not see kira queer, I saw her as a hurt person who was allowed to heal and that gave me hope. I’m sorry if this is not what you intended but Kira kinda saved me from giving up and I want to thank you (and all involved) for her. Sorry this isn’t super well organized thoughts. I really am grateful for all of ds9. It was a very good show.

Without getting too deep into critical theory and Writer Intention vs. Viewer Interpretation, this is also a perfectly valid interpretation of Kira's character and it's yet another lens through which we saw her/wrote her, probably even the dominant one (and the one I suspect Nana drew most from for her performances).

Which is not to invalidate people who saw her as queer/repressed or people who saw her as a colonized woman wrestling with her ambivalence about her new, arguably more benevolent colonizers, or people who saw her as a person of faith struggling to see past her religious prejudices, or people who saw her as a terrorist trying to overcome her past sins.

Over 172 episodes, multiple writers wrote her thinking about different things. Sometimes the very same writers would draw from different inspirations from episode to episode or scene to scene or even line of dialogue to line of dialogue. And of course, Nana and the various directors would bring their own takes to every moment.

All of which, IMHO, helped make her a terrific character.

Also thank you for the kind words and I'm glad we helped! LLAP.

[yappingbitch73]

since the beginning of time, the ultimate hot girl activity has been laying about! modern society is trying to take our culture away from us DONT LET THE ART OF BEING LAZY FADE AWAY pliz!

to all the girls who still practise and keep the art alive: u are so brave, and I love u! they will try to stop u... everyone will get in the way... BUT DO NOT LET THEM BE AN OBSTACLE!!!! I believe in u, as an active member of the laying ab and of real nyph dissent, ik the struggle fr... I desire clean grass and flowers to lay on, but society SOCIETY!!! men want to conquer nature, women wanna be part of its beauty, that's the difference between smelly smelly yucky ew masculinity and being an actual angel (girl) and sadly as they have been successful in literally burning the planet alive and making nature extinct and isolating humanity from it, they have also disconnected us from where we belong!!!! WE NEED A RESISTANCE TO THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF MEN AND THIER UGLY DICKS AND DESIER FOR A DISTOPIAN UGLY MINIMALIST FUTURE WITH AI WHORES REPLACING WOMEN!!! cuz god forbid their sex toys wanna take a walk in nature once in awhile and be a conscious being.... so, if u wanna join, our first course of action for a future closer to nature:

go to ur local park and lay around nude and get other women to join u (if we ALL do it I won't he weird frfr) who's with me guys 🙌🙌🙌 I can't be the only one tired of living in a world made from men for men w the only space for women being the domestic environment wich also is taken over by men somehow... I feel as if only nature is a truly feminine space rn... AND MEN ARE LITERELY TRYING TO GET RID OF IT!!!!! so tired of fast passed life, importance placed on achievement, the concept of "genius", "success", sensitivity being fought, art being stale, distractions, career driven lives... can i draw listen to music make movies read books swim around lay around be friends with everyone in the world and that be all? that be life? I don't need more, human connection, love, nature, art and being content is all I want out of life... and I'm tired of ppl thinking I'm stupid for it, or that it's not enough? are u stupid? that's all we need (mentally ofc) also I'm 15 why would I want anything more rn 😭

I just don't agree with most ppls definition of what is "great" "grand" "important" "worthy of attention and praise", idc what empire concurred more land! I care which one was most advanced in art philosophy and community! idc for ur "genius" technological guy, I think being content in life is the most admirable thing a person could ever do! and being an artist is also admirable to me!

so anyway, why would we wanna succeed in what men decided is success? let's make our own definition cuz ew wtf are they on ab w careers? I think knowledge and emotional intelligence should be the definition for us! also, community is very important so don't be a bitch ok? THATS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT!!! US TO BE AGAINST EACHOTHER AAAA

ty fr if u made it this far and could handle my insane yapping. I hope u enjoyed! like and subscribe ♡♡♡ (the start was half satirical, tho I believe most of what is said, BUT IM NOT INSANE OK)

[musicalmoritz]

Though on genderswap Mitsukou? What would their characters belike both appearance and personality wise?

Yuri Mitsukou!! I love this question

So awhile back I posted smth like “no fem4masc Yuri Mitsukou it has to be masc4masc” which like. I don’t really agree with anymore. I like that in canon one of them is feminine while the other is masculine and it’s not really done in a stereotypical way. Fandoms make a really big deal about people feminizing male characters- and for good reason, it does happen a lot. But that gets taken to the point that they end up unintentionally reinforcing traditional gender roles. “How dare you draw that man in a skirt” or “that male character would never cry.” It’s also weird to me that I never see the same defense given to female characters being masculinized, so it ends up feeling like a lot of fans just hate femininity. So when a male character is feminine and seemingly likes masc dudes but has one of the loudest personalities in the manga, I think it’s pretty neat. Ofc there are fans that are weirdly against calling Mitsuba feminine but I already blocked most of them so idk what they have to say

(I could talk more in-depth about how fans are so worried about feminizing Mitsuba that they erase all the soft parts of his personality and make him one-dimensional but I’ll hold my tongue)

However, with fem!Mitsuba things are usually portrayed differently. Since dude Mitsuba’s initial conflict was being bullied for looking like a girl, most people say that the reverse would be girl Mitsuba being bullied for looking like a dude. This is fine but we also have to keep in mind that the entire gag of Mitsuba’s character is that he looks feminine but has an unfiltered personality, based on his looks you would never expect him to act that way. So if girl Mitsuba looks boyish, does that mean her personality would be super soft and delicate?? Because, yeah Mitsuba does have a soft side but not in that way, and it’s not at the forefront of his personality. Plus girl Mitsuba could still get bullied for looking too feminine, internalized misogyny is very much a thing

However, at the end of the day it really depends on personal preference so I’m not at all bashing either depiction of fem!Mitsuba. I go back and forth over which one I like more. Gender themes are a pretty big part of how I write Mitsukou so it’s hard for me to imagine that switched up, but it’s also incredibly interesting to think abt. All in all I like to keep fem!Mitsuba looking androgynous, maybe she has a boyish face but still dresses very feminine. Or maybe she has a girly face but dresses very masc. It’s one of those things I like a variety of interpretation on. For this I say she keeps the same hair length and pink cardigan but wears the girls uniform. So like yeah she basically just looks the same

As for Kou, those of you that read my wlw Kou//Nene fic should know that masc girl Kou is actually everything to me. A lot of fans sort of flip their gender presentations when gender bending them- Mitsuba becomes masc and Kou becomes fem. That’s totally great if that’s what you like but for me personally Kou is gonna be wearing Old Spice. I like to imagine her hair a tad longer in the back, like a choppy version of the Bisexual Bob. She wears some type of hoodie over her uniform the same way canon Kou wears a t-shirt under his uniform. The hoodie is blue btw (gotta incorporate the lore from my mtsk fics)

I feel like their personalities and dynamic would stay mostly the same! Maybe make them a bit clingier the way female friendships are but they’re already pretty clingy in canon lol. I do wonder if Kou’s flaw of not being able to open up about his feelings properly would change due to gender socialization. But many women (including myself) have that problem too so I think it would stay the same. She might be able to open up to Teru or Yokoo and Satou better but she’d still struggle to admit when she’s feeling overwhelmed. I could see her not being the type to tell someone how she’s feeling until all those emotions have built up for months. That’s how I’ve seen the whole “can’t talk abt your emotions” problem present itself in women. And men tend to only feel comfortable opening up to their romantic partners, which is something we very much see with Mitsukou in canon. But with fem!Kou, if Yokoo and Satou were girls two they would probably encourage her to talk abt her feelings rather than just being like “let’s give him a task to distract him” (which is fine too, men have different ways of comforting their friends)

Thank you for this ask!!

[zuppizup]

reading your DVD commentary asks and i saw the one about Rayllum having a baby boy

I mostly tend to envision them having a baby girl mainly because Callum just gives off pure girl dad energy but the concept of Rayllum having a clingy baby boy is just too cute not to think about

also Callum having anxiety over not being good “boy things” like sword fighting and sports

Girl (or at least first baby as a girl) does seem to be the most common Rayllum kid. I’m tempted to do a poll now and ask about it.

I honestly don’t really think Callum’s that concerned with not being particularly interesting in traditional masculine things. (Or what would be deemed as traditionally masculine in our society, the world of TDP really doesn’t seem to have those definitions. Sarai is clearly shown and known to be a better warrior than Harrow. Out of Callum and Rayla, she’s portrayed as the fighter).

When he’s explaining to Rayla about not being good at sword fighting or horse riding, I took it more as him struggling with the fact those things were expected of him as a prince/royalty, rather than because he’s male. Harrow encourages his drawing. Callum is open with his love of poetry and reading. Spoilers 6: 601 shows he can sew.

So, when it comes to his kids, I personally see Callum as taking on the role of doing the less active things and doing that quite happily. Painting with kiddo(s) and reading to them, doing silly voices. Showing them how to sew and make stuff.

And even though he does have a temper, I think it would take a lot for him to show that to his kids. I can see him being really good at explaining feelings and emotions to surly toddlers, helping them work through big feelings and the like. Don’t get me wrong, I think Rayla would be endlessly patient with her kids (she’s so sweet with Ezran in arc 1) but Callum grew up with the example and vocabulary to help a kid through those things.

He’d probably be the one to teach them to swim though. 😉

[laura1633]

About the ask you got about Max being written as the unattractive one so often, I think it’s worth remembering that in the bulk of fanfiction and fandom, complicated things are very often boiled down to their simplest tropes! The general public’s perception is that Charles is one of the most attractive drivers on the grid, so that means that Max is usually relegated to the “ugly”/self-conscious role because that is the easiest way to write it.

I think it’s kind of the same as the way Charles is often the hyper-feminized character while Max is the more boyish/masculine one. Not to say that any of these takes are objectively bad because obviously writers should write what they’d like, but I think these types of basic concepts just make it easier to jump in and get going.

Personally, I do love a real character study, and I love it when they both are written with their own insecurities that just baffle the other one because it’s like “what do you mean???? You’re the hottest person I’ve ever seen!!!!” 🥰

Some really great points anon <3

You are definitely right about some fan fiction being boiled down to tropes. I'm not saying that as a negative because I love reading and writing lots of the popular tropes. It's funny because things that might put me off certain films etc draw me in in fan fiction, I think fan fiction just hits differently. I will read the same trope over and over and love it each time.

I sometimes wonder if a little of the perception of Max also has to do with the fact that Max came into this sport so young and sometimes when you are still growing and getting comfortable with yourself you can come across as more awkward (not always but sometimes). I think people still think he is that younger Max and have completely missed the fact he has grown up in to this really hot man! (In much the same way as how people like to go on about things he did on the track 10 years ago as some sort of statement for the type of driver he is)

I guess when you have a story idea that requires one of them to be the less attractive one and you are writing about Max and Charles it's a struggle ! I just find it really difficult to try and think about Max being the 'less attractive one' because I just look at him and think he is the most attractive on the grid. Not that I am going to try and describe Charles as unattractive 😂

To me it all just comes down to which character's POV I am writing from because Charles is going to go crazy over how attractive Max is and vice versa. So I definitely agree with you anon, I love it when they are both so confused and just can't get over how the other would be insecure because they are just perfect.

(I am also sure that there are some people who write fanfiction about Max who actually don't like him and are using him as a plot device and in those cases they are quite happy to describe him as ugly, I personally avoid anything that even seems like it is going in that direction though!)

[mmmaruda]

I already wrote one post about kavetham but it was rushed, and also, I think some of the things I mentioned weren't canon. So I'm here again writing a short analysis about fictional men. Actually, it will be mostly calling out the genshin fandom out on infantilisation and feminisation of gay men or not stereotypically masculine men. (I might link down below some fanfics that I think do kaveh and haitham justice, so bear with me)

Before I even begin I have to mention that I don't play genshin so my perception of kavetham could be flawed. But at the same time when I look what the fandom did to them I can proudly say that I have a better grasp on their characters. Also English is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes please point them out.

Kaveh is a well-known architect who graduated Kashahewar with honors. Sumeru NPC'S describe him as talented and a genius. Many people wish to meet him in person. After all, he singlehandedly brought back pride to Kashahewar.

Fandom loves to diminish Kaveh's accomplishments and effords only to turn him into a loving housewife or an incapable baby man who needs a strong leader. To the people who think Kaveh would be stay at home spouse and would stop designing architecture, with full offence you are stupid. If he was hooled up in one place he would eat through the bricks like a rat just to get out.

To add to the stereotypes of gay men, Alhaitham is perceived as some short of cold sugar daddy. Mind you, he is very much autistic coded. Also just because he doesn't need help from others doesn't make him any less autistic. He is constantly dehumanised because he 'doesn't show emotions', many people on spectrum struggle with showing emotions or controling them.

Fucking albeism.

People love to antagonise Alhaitham in order to make Kaveh a victim which he is not. Kaveh fights just as ugly and viciously as Alhaitham. They are both to blame for the state of their relationship, too proud to apologise and finally talk.

I like to think of them as predatory cats because of the way they fight, claws, teeth. All that.

How many times a gay ship falls victim of toxic heteronormativity. Making one guy hyper feminine and the other masculine. If a man is slightly feminine that doesn't make him weak, dependent on others or not capable. Stop treating typically feminine traits or things associated with women as worse. Yes, Kaveh worries about his reputation, his looks, aesthetics and generally how people perceive him. It's not very "alpha male"of him but does that make him less of a man? Gender roles and heteronormativity is fucking sexist, linked to clasism and racism. So stop with this shit, do you really support lgbt or do you have some weird fethishes? Are you an ally or is it all for show.

Most of kavetham shippers are girls who insert themselves in Kaveh's place and in order to relate to him they make him ooc. Most of you have this fantasy of having an older man taking care of you which is fine but just because you have daddy issues you don't have to take it out on gay people.

Another thing I see people talk about is how weak and helpless Kaveh is. Mehrak weilds his claymore for him but that doesn't mean he's feeble. Why would he chose this type of weapon if he couldn't weild it? Also he works as a architect whose job is to design as in to draw on paper. He needs his hands to be in top condition. But Alhaitham is a scribe and fights with swords, well he also does the bare minimum when it comes to his job. Unlike Kaveh who puts 100% in every single project of his.

He may be nice but he has his own opinions and is not afraid to voice them. He is a very opinionated person. Who fights what he thinks is right. Kaveh would not cry if Haitham was mean to him, he would be offended. Because he is angry, he's frustrated with his work, his life, and past.

Kaveh is a selfish man. It's painfully ironic how by being selfless he is actively being selfish. His acts of kindness are a way for him to stop from feeling guilty, he's punishing himself by sacrificing things for the better of others. Of course it's not always but often enough, he does this without even knowing it. It's something Kaveh doesn't realise or doesn't want to admit. By being extremely selfless he hurts not only himself but also his close ones. Image seeing someone you consider family self-destruct. That's why Alhaitham is so frustrated with Kaveh. He does throw occasionally some jabs at Kaveh about the way he lives but it's never too serious. He does that because Kaveh doesn't accept help, he feels as if he was undeserving of it. Alhaitham is frustrated but never angry at him. He deeply cares for Kaveh, otherwise he wouldn't offer to live with him. Althaitam is very patient and emotionally intelligent person, he just doesnt bother with social norms and anything that is a waste of time. He wants for Kaveh to admit that all of his problems don't come from his misfortune but rather his idealism and guilt. By Alhaitham's logic if Kaveh accepted the truth his life would drastically get better. No matter how hurtful and hard to accept it, truth is the truth. Telling yourself kind lies isn't hoing to change anything. That's why it's so hard for Kaveh to pay off his debt. Giving away his money because he's such a 'good' person. It's hard for him, he doesn't have a support system. I'm pretty sure he never had one. His mother too busy working, rasing him and dealing with her own depression.

Kaveh is a renowed architect with years of practice and experience. Whenever I see people think he only desings decorative buldings that aren't practical my blood boils. He is master architect, he knows how to desingn buildings that are practical yet beautiful. Of course his clients pay him well. He is the Light of Kashahewar, people fight to get their commission done by him. He's probably very picky about them and the clients he works with and I can see him redirecting his potential clients to other architects from the goodness of his heart. That's a very Kaveh thing to do. He earns money buy spends it in dubious ways.

Also people froget he's batshit insane.

He's probably out there licking walls and bricks. From our perspective he would be architecture major. Those people are weird and depressed, spoiler alert they are as bad after graduation. Btw to people who make those tiktok vids where two characters pass each other notes in class, Kaveh would not ask Alhaitham what is the answer to a match question. Wake the fuck up. Kaveh is a walking calculator, literally. So what if in your au he's not an architect, then he is in STEM or just really good at match. Why? Because you cannot change all the traits of the characters in your au or it's becoming an oc.

Besides Kavehs isn't interested only in architecture but also in mechanics. He didnt make Mehrak but repaired it, which makes him knowledgeable in many fields other than architecture.

This is the type of a genius who doesn't drink or eat until they complete this one specific task. Thinking about styles of windowsills probably turns him on. He's brilliant but he's also a loser and self-destructive. He's smart but naive. Istg if i see another person making him unintelligent, I'm this close to blocking half of the fandom. One of Kaveh's most important character traits is kindness, guilt, altruism, and intelligence. He is the type to strive for knowledge to be well rounded, just because. Kaveh would read all the books about launguistics just to argue with Alhaitham. Hes petty like that. Also I feel like he wouldn't stop at designing buildings. This guy probably has atomic bomb plans casually stored in his room. A big part of what shaped Kaveh's character while growing up is not only his father death but his mother's misery. I actually think but his mother's misery. I actually think his mother emotional state affected him more than his father death. Lots of peopel make Fahrnak some antagonist that abandoned Kaveh because he reminds her of his father. Y'all just love to vilanize women, to add character depth to male characters you make female characters evil. You know who makes this type of shit content? Vivziepop. Shit ass content, do better. This is the same thing as the cheating trope in mlm when one male character cheats with a woman. Bifobia, sexism and fethishsacion.

I will add something ab alhaitham and more haikaveh all that mirror shit later. Actually if someone will remind to me to move my ass and end this I would be thankful really.

but his mother's misery. I actually think his mother emotional state affected him more than his father death. Lots of peopel make Fahrnak some antagonist that abandoned Kaveh because he reminds her of his father. Y'all just love to vilanize women, to add character depth to male characters you make female characters evil. You know who makes this type of shit content? Vivziepop. Shit ass content, do better. This is the same thing as the cheating trope in mlm when one male character cheats with a woman. Bifobia, sexism and fethishsacion.

[broodsys]

been on the fence about saying this. don't really want to become a politicized blog, but still, i think it's worth mentioning

but over the last few years, i've been noticing a trend - just personally noticing, i'm not saying it's exclusive to the last few years bc i doubt it is - about leftist people becoming radicalized in ways rooted in exclusivity

and the thing is, this happens. propaganda works. exposure to ideas works. and then, once the beliefs begin to take root, there's a reactiveness there, a defensiveness, that becomes harder and harder to get around. i say this as someone who's been there, and is really determined to never return. but it takes intention

so, one thing i've been seeing a lot of since the election is a wave of hating all men. i get it. really, i do. but i am here to gently, compassionately remind ppl that this is the exact opening te/rfs look for. this is their in. they'll like your posts about hating men. they'll establish a connection, a rapport

some other points about the All Men Are Awful Monsters discourse:

harms trans men, like myself. contributes to us feeling like accepting the gender we are is harmful, damaging, etc. makes us more likely to stay in the closet. also works to exclude trans men - especially those who pass - from queer spaces

speaking personally, when ppl seem to accept the fact that i'm a man but turn around and disparage all men, i feel like they view me as a woman-turned-man, or a Man Lite, or something else along those lines. i'm not! i'm just a guy.

harms trans women. whether through arguments of "male socialization," or considering the penis to be a tool of violence rather than just genitalia, or through only accepting them provisionally, if they're feminine enough, if they pass enough, etc

harms all trans people, including nonbinary people, because it demonizes the role of masculinity; whether that's a past role for them, or a present role, or a partial/sometimes role, or something else entirely

harms disabled men, neurodivergent men, queer men, POC men, etc.

specifically works to support some really heinous stereotypes about certain groups of men, like Black men

and also

makes men - including cishet, white, able-bodied men, privileged men - less likely to escape their own radicalization. i don't expect this point to matter to everyone, but if any of your personal activism work revolves around deradicalization, i think this has to be one of your tenets

and none of this is to say:

that you have to admire or forgive men who do bad things

that you have to forgive men who have abused you or others

that you have to accept patriarchy

that you cannot speak of your own abuse or struggles

that you must, personally, guide every man to what is "right"

that you cannot point out things like how western men have voted in the recent election

it's really just about questioning the "all men" phrasing. i understand where it's coming from. i get the pushback against the "not all men" argument, i really do. i sympathize with the frustrations. but anytime you take a whole entire demographic and label them in one way, you are limiting your own perspective, whether that's your intent or not

the language we use matters. that includes the language we use in our own thoughts. repetition creates pathways, pathways become familiar routes, familiar routes become ingrained, and ingrained routes become very, very difficult to question. yes, you know that your "all men" is really just saying "all men who do bad things," but brains are silly. all men can eventually come to mean all men. all of them. forever. and even if that wasn't true, your "all men" might mean "all men who do bad things," but you'll draw in people who think you literally mean every single man

i'm not trying to shame anyone. i'm not trying to start an argument. i'm just saying, from experience, that this is something to be aware of. and even if the potential harm to men and trans people doesn't really matter to you, i'd hope that most of the people following me don't want to be sought after for recruitment by te/rfs, so that's something to keep in mind

[corpsoir]

hii!

hope it’s cool to message you, I need some art advice again.

so I wanna do a pinup style drawing of some of the jojos but I’m having difficulty finding what I want for a pose with the mens pinups. I did find it in the women’s pinup though or least closer then the guys.

My question is how do i translate it into a male character, i struggle with making men look masculine & not just some bimbofied version, i can get the pose without to much trouble but making it in a way it still reads as a guy is where I struggle?

I don’t know how else to word it shsbs but if you have any advice or tips I’d appreciate it

sorry it took me a while to answer this hehe

so yeah, first off i gotta say, whenever you see tutorials where people draw men and women like different species, click away thats not a place of honour theres nothing of value there. you know the kind of tutorials i mean, men have a thousand billion more muscles than normal and women have a thigh gap and somehow still thick thighs but also no internal organs and boobs for days. sure, muscles are fun to draw, curvy bodies are fun to draw, but everyone please trust me you will not get better at drawing if youre using these kinds of tutorials hgjdsghs you wont learn anatomy from them, theyre not only anatomically incorrect theyre also just..... bad

OKAY ANYWAYS. i based these following sketches on a painting by donald rust (i think, i dont know anything about american artists sorry) when i find a pose to use for a drawing but the person in the drawing looks different or has another body shape, i try to imagine 1) whats the skeleton inside them doing? and 2) what are the basic shapes here doing?

and to be clear i NEVER sketch things with like, lines and balls!! ive said this before but i honestly dont think thats a productive way of sketching, so i rather think in oval soft shapes for the body. if that makes sense

so, take this pose as an example. as ive written in the sketch, pinup art is, at least as far as i can see, about pushing a pose to look more pleasing. the hips and waist are doing most of the work here, but if we want to draw say, oh, idk, a stiff lanky neapolitan cowboy with no ass and broad shoulders, we could let the upper body do most of the "pose-pushing" instead!

this way, instead of drawing the eye to the hips and waist, the shoulders are in focus! its still the same pose and i wouldn't say its the manliest of poses, but it still reads as a man. i guess. does any of this make any sense?

on an ending note i do think bimbofying male characters are fun and we should do it more idc put that man in silly little poses or whatever. he'll loosen up with some yoga im sure

OKAYYYY i hope this helped at least somewhat! im not the best teacher but hopefully me visualising it helps a little

[cinnamons1999]

UPDATE TO THIS POST (TW FOR MENTIONS OF HARD DRUGS, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THEMES ON THAT POST)

also this post is QUITE LONG so if youre an "i aint readin all that" person (tbh me fr im just a yapper i cant listen for nothin) then maybe its best not to int w this post, cuz discussion will require you to read the entire thing for you to know what im on about.

TW FOR ( DRAWN AND MENTIONED) SH AND SADLY, MENTIONS OF ROMANTICIZATION OF SH, SUICIDE, DRUGS ETC.

ok so the prev post was about how much i realized menhera-chan was kinda like an inspiration to me, both in my art style and in the way i saw my own mental health. but honestly im way more detached from her now.

i've been clean for a good while since yk, its easier for me to distract myself from punching my own face now that i have wifey around. i honestly just dont think menhera-chan seems to encapsulate what menhera can be for me anymore, and knowing what type of person bisuko ezaki is i just don't feel comfortable knowing i used to look up to that work.

even with my recovery i still am going through therapy and potentially finding a diagnosis at the hospital, meaning i probably still have shit to work thru tho i cant predict the future

and with this i just dont relate to menhera-chan anymore, not just bcuz bisuko is a shit person but bcuz im more stereotypically masculine (obv, shes a girl in a sailor uniform what am i thinking), but bcuz even when some of the menhera-chan comic shorts seem genuine in the way they tackle self harm and mental health, but then i remember he made THIS ONE DRAWING (THIS IS NOT A CALLOUT POST. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL LIKE BRINGING THIS UP)

and apparently?? yamiko no seigi fetishizes girls who do SH, and even when im not a girl it all just feels less genuine bcuz of this. how u sexualizing SH yet still have comic shorts abt how you shouldnt upload your self harm scars bcuz ppl who romanticize SH could get to it.

(this comic short is the one im talking about btw)

it just feels less genuine to me bcuz of this, cuz if you really want to care abt mental health, spread awareness and share your struggle, then why make that shirt? thats just me tbh.

i've started liking the idea of making my own menhera mascot thing (menhera angel, who's kinda like menhera X by diy-menhera-blog in the way that they are completely genderless, also menhera angel is an angel ragdoll creature thing?? meaning they are completely raceless too.)

this image is also in a diff art post of mine.

my mental health has just gotten a bit better but cuz of therapy and school, and the stress of going to a gymnasium soon (yeah, SV system) i honestly just don't think im experiencing mental health struggles in a different way than menhera-chan is shown to be, and in a different way than most people who relate to menhera-chan/momoka sakurai do.

i respect those who are attached to her and can point out that ezaki bisuko is still a shit person but idk,, maybe when i can find community in the menhera space i can find others who are also not as attached to wrist-cut warrior manga like me.

just,, man. im really trying to find community w menhera people and in the menhera sphere so i hope i get welcomed with open arms but idk,,, (cuz a lot of menhera stuff crosses over w/ jirai and landmine and i feel like theyll see me as "too stable." n shit or just wont welcome me at all and will chase me out but thats just my anxiety talking.)

TL;DR: im more detached from menhera-chan's character cuz of bisuko himself and changes in my mental health, and i might find comfort in the menhera sphere if i get welcomed.

[nicosraf]

Hello, if it’s alright could I draw some fanart of my interpretations of the different angels? I must admit I barely passed the half way point on your novel and I’m obsessed with the angels. Although I do have a question where are the women??? Jkjk. But it’s been an itching question since they are gender less beings with many forms. Also do the angels ever take their more biblical form and 🪶🪶🧿🧿🧿🪶🪶 hello brother their fellow angels?

hello! of course!!! I love seeing interpretations!!! (though i do ask not to whitewash, if possible hghghg)

And the women!! Well! The (biblical) explanation is longer than I expected but here ya go:

Angels as genderless beings is.... actually not true. The Bible refers to angels as "sons" of God a couple times – like Job 1:6, Job 2:1 (most explicitly), and Genesis 6. Genesis 6 is pretty important, because if Job is right about angels being the "sons of God", then this chapter says angels are capable of sex and procreation (with women, at least, though I have some thoughts on that). Also, angels exclusively appear as men, in the Bible. When the angels visit Abraham, they're described as men. When they visit Sodom in Genesis 19, and all the Sodom men line up to try and have sex with the angels, the angels are described as men. (In fact, the "gay people are evil" understanding of the Sodom story is entirely contingent on angels being understood as men.) (Fun fact: it's from Sodom, also, that I reasoned all angels are outrageously sexy.)

But why are angels all men in the Bible? Well, the reason is because Eve is supposed to be the first women, and in traditional (sexist) Christian thought, Adam is a man, modeled on God, who is masculine. Because the angels are between them, then they're supposed to be men, or at least man-ish.

I remember when I learned all this I thought it was absolutely hilarious. God and his all-sexy-male angel paradise. Incredible. Perfect.

But in all seriousness, the origin of this idea is that Christianity is really sexist. And the gender of angels is something pretty much every significant angel writer/artist has struggled with, like John Milton in Paradise Lost.

The back and forth about angel gender is actually my absolute favorite thing about Paradise Lost. The most significant line is "for spirits, when they please, can either sex assume, or both;" which clearly states that angels are supposed to be intersex. And yet, all the angels in Paradise Lost are men, use male pronouns, and they're described in almost entirely masculine terms; one instance where that isn't the case is this one line about Lucifer: "his form had yet not lost all her original brightness". Even here, the feminine characterization is just an attachment to the masculine.

In my opinion, John Milton wants to explore angel gender (and angel homosexual sex, too, btw, as per angel Raphael telling Adam all about the gay sex angels are up to), but Milton is held back by the pretty clear Bible teaching that angels are supposed to be male or at least male-ish. (Also, my friend Cas is much more of an academic about John Milton, angels, and angel gender, and I'm mostly parrot-ing him because he's much smarter than me, so they're your guy if you have questions). I like Milton's ideas of angels being between gender, though, and I plan to do a lot more with that:

I played around with the bizarre idea of God and his all-male paradise, but ultimately, the angels in ABM are not male. There is no such thing as male because there is no such thing as female. Like Milton, I think they're between genders.

Why do they use he/him pronouns, then? As a nod to the "all angels are male" Christian teaching, and (on a more personal level) to explore tenderness and queer gender expression (all the makeup and jewelry and dressing up) in he/hims. (Plus, it's a tiny jab at machismo, which is incredibly attached to Mexican Catholicism and an enormous source of pain for me, so now I get to make Catholicism gay and girly and laugh to myself). But, lastly, pronouns don't equal gender. Men can use she/her, women can use he/him. (Especially coming from a Mexican perspective, it's pretty common to hear gay men use feminine pronouns to refer to themselves.)

But what about their bodies? Do they not have masculine bodies, then? As I mentioned in this ask (where I discuss the trans-ness of the ABM trilogy and angels and also God) and this ask (where I discuss angel sexual organs), I stay vague because you have the room to imagine whatever you want. Specifically, angels are intersex but what that means for their physical bodies is basically up to you.

(But why would you write vaguely? Because ABM is about gender and queerness, and the fact that it can't be easily understood and it takes on a life of its own for each reader is the point !)

ABM and its sequels are about angel gender trouble and gay feelings, so don't worry, you have a lot to look forward to in that regard.

Oh and about the "biblical forms".... :) no spoilers

[jinxpologist]

i think one thing about living in a gendered world is that identifying as genderless is one of the most lonely and isolating things you can be.

i've had periods of time where i thought i was a man and periods of time where i thought i was a woman. admittedly, the brief blips of thinking i was a man were a lot shorter than the decade and some change i thought i was a woman. each time it felt murderous and constraining, but some part of me loved the community, and that's what kept drawing me back.

this isn't to say being a man or being a woman is easy. being any binary gender experience other than a cis man opens you up to heaps of oppression i wish people didn't have to experience. even being a cis man sucks. i don't want to discount that. binary people probably have it worse than i do. but my pain is real too and i have never seen anyone talk about it.

i struggle to extract myself from gender. it's one of the most emotionally difficult things in the world, because if i leave behind all the things i thought i was, all the things everyone else is, i'm left staring at a pure void. out self concepts are built on the conception of others, or at least mine is; i'm this because i'm like this person. when i take that away, take away the foundation of gender, i often don't feel like i have anything left. so i turn back to gender, despite the dysphoria and horror and wrongness i feel.

femininity and masculinity taught me different things, and they are both constraining to me. i prefer to dress in a more "masculine" fashion, if only because i have bad dysphoria when i dress in anything overtly "girly", but when it comes to everything else, i ache for both. i ache to embody feminine joy and care and companionship just as much as i ache to embody masculine intensity and practicality and laughter.

i know these things should not be gendered. to me, as a matter of principle, gendering basic human traits is just nonsensical. but the fact is, unfortunately, that they are gendered, and feel like i will never be able to fully embody the masculine traits i have without abandoning my feminine ones and vice versa. i know i can, but it feels like i can't. and sometimes i can fool myself into thinking that one of them is enough, but it never is. i want to be free.

i'm not bigender, to be clear. i am not a man and i am not a woman. i don't have a gender. it hurts me to say that. i wish i had pride in it, but it hurts me.

i feel like i'm in a double bind. i almost always reflexively think of myself as a girl. i ache to be a girl. i miss being a girl. it gave me a sense of purpose, a sense of camaraderie, a sense of having a place in the world. there's no place in the world for nonbinary people. there's no place in the world for people like me who's souls ache to not be constrained but who's hearts are so caught up in how things are "supposed" to be. but i'm not a girl. i know i'm not a girl. it hurts.

everywhere i turn i find other people outside the binary who are not like me. i don't think a single other person has the same gender experience that i have. no one experiences genderless nonbinaryness like i do. this is liberating. this is also crushing, and that's the thing that's killing me about it.

i get excited at the idea i might not be nonbinary, that i might have a gender, but at the end of the day, i always come back around to this. this is who i am. i'm deluding myself to think otherwise, and i'm sad about it.

i guess i have a lot of internalized enbyphobia, or exorsexism, or whatever you call it. i'm a very black and white person. my mind is stuck in binary even though my soul doesn't even know there's a dichotomy at all. i feel like every day i'm killing some part of me who just wants to be free.

i don't know if anyone else feels like this. if you do, you aren't alone, obviously. i just wanted to get this out. i guess. feel free to reblog and do whatever you want with it. i hope we can all find peace in our genders (or lack thereof) one day.