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endearng · 2 days ago

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Out of reach

Pairing: earlyseasons!Spencer Reid x hotchner!fem!reader Summary: You pull away from Spencer because of your jealousy. You go back to him after a few drinks in. WC: 9k A/N: fluff! pining! idiots/friends to lovers! alcohol consumption; spencer is a bit mean; reader doesn't communicate; hotch is a little older to have a daughter around spencer's age (do not come at me this is fiction). If I missed anything, please let me know! I had so much fun writing this one and it's now one of my favorites <3 masterlist

The jet was quiet as you and the BAU team made your way back from Los Angeles after successfully finding Lila Archer's stalker. The case had been a bit draining, after all, you've only been working with the FBI for a couple of months, and seeing dead bodies and all those other displays of violence was something you were still trying to get used to. Despite your sensitive nature, being Aaron Hotchner's daughter meant that you had mastered the art of a poker face through the years, not that it meant that your inner feelings were any less important. This is how you found yourself sitting all alone in a corner of the jet as everyone minded their own business. On any other day, you'd be sitting next to Dr. Spencer Reid, talking about whatever it was that could get your mind off the case you had just wrapped up. Spencer and you were friends, some would even say the best of friends, but you didn't mind about naming things — what mattered the most is that you got to be yourself around him and you didn't bother hiding behind the Hotchner glare, as he once put it.

Despite being unknown territory for you, after all, feelings and all that were protected by a deeply analytic and practical mind, you knew what you were feeling. Well, you were analyzing your reactions to check what had actually happened — and the thing is, you couldn't admit, not even to yourself, what that sinking feeling in your chest when you watched Spencer saying goodbye to Lila was. Amid your analysis, Spencer quietly approached you, silently motioning to the seat next to you. You nodded, shutting every single thought of him. Or at least, trying.

"Hi."

Hotch glare. "Hi, Reid."

Spencer felt nervous. He had never been on the receiving end of your… wrath before, so it was unknown territory and he didn't know how to act. His racing heart and clammy palms weren't helping him, either. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Listen, um, you... can... can we talk?" The stammering. Way to go, Spencer.

Glancing at him, ignoring the skip in your heartbeat, you nodded. "Yeah. Is everything alright?" A firm, secure tone. You mentally patted yourself on the back.

"You're a little distant... and—and I got a bit worried. Did... Did something happen?" He wanted to kick himself. What kind of person can't hold a serious conversation without stuttering like an idiot? Get a grip, Reid.

"No, Reid. Everything is alright. I'm just... thinking." You said.

Bullshit. You both knew that. Spencer, on the other hand, didn't know why it was bullshit. But he knew it was.

"Are you sure?" He asked, leaning towards you, almost invading your personal space and he shut his eyes before delivering the next question, "Is... I haven't done anything to upset you? Right?"

You took a second to answer him, willing your voice to stay still and the knot in your throat to go away. "No. It's nothing you've done. It's just... it's on me." You gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes — that's when he knew something was definitely wrong.

He nodded, but he was still worried by your sudden change of behavior, especially towards him. It was like he was anyone else, again. And, God, he didn't want that. "What is it, then? You can talk to me, you know. We're best friends."

Best friends.

The words felt bitter on his tongue. The sound of them broke your heart all over again.

Best friends. "Right. Yeah. I know." You said, quietly, and it felt a little lifeless to him. He clenched his hand, fighting the urge to touch you, to ask you what was truly bothering you. "Thanks for offering."

Spencer felt conflicted. If he didn't say anything and didn't push you to speak, you would probably bury whatever it was that you were feeling and it would lead him into being even more worried about you. If he did, you would probably snap at him because of his undesired, bothersome insistence. "It's nothing." He said, defeatedly. "Can you just... Do you promise it's not me?"

Your heart ached and you smiled at him, a tiny, faint, barely there smile. He was so adorable, sometimes. "I'm just upset over something else. Don’t worry. You didn't do anything wrong." You finished, trying to convince yourself that he had not, indeed, done something wrong.

And he didn't. He didn't. You and Spencer, despite your proximity and sometimes incredibly ambiguous relationship, hadn't said anything about deeper feelings towards one another. You let yourself admire him, lovingly, from afar, and were happy with the snippets of attention you had from him when you two had some free time. You two were regulars in the coffee shop near his apartment and, by now, the local librarian, Mrs. Jones, could probably fake your signature from how often you two went there to borrow books. She would watch you two behind the bookshelves, whispering excitedly and curiously to each other about whatever suggestions you were getting from each other. As you missed Spencer's longing glances to read a summary, Mrs. Jones smiled to herself, both at how adorable you two were and how oblivious you were. In museums, you would sit down after some time walking around to his explanations of art and historical movements that impacted the expression of a certain age — you pretended to not know a few things, just so he could speak his heart away and not be interrupted by your own contributions.

You kept silent to make him happy.

Which was exactly what was happening now.

Spencer knew, for sure, that you were hiding something from him. But he also knew that he had no right to force it out. He fidgeted awkwardly, not knowing what to do with his hands, his heart still clenching. “But, but... you’d come to me if you needed help, right?”

You nodded, unable to speak. You knew you were wrong, omitting things from him. Just as the guilt was starting to weigh in your heart, Derek passed by you two with a magazine in his hands, throwing it at Spencer, exclaiming, "My man!"

You looked down, already knowing what it was. Spencer was a mess beside you: blushing, stuttering, avoiding your and Derek's gaze and throwing the magazine as far as he could, like it had burned him. Your reaction was a subtle twitch of your lips, not in amusement, but in need to disguise the pang in your heart. You both spent the rest of the flight sitting in silence, simply being in each other's orbit. You, guiltily. Spencer, worriedly.

Your reaction — or lack of — was staggering to Spencer. He thought you two were getting somewhere, despite your closed off nature and demeanor, he thought he was finally cracking you up. Everyday was torture, seeing you walk through the bullpen's glass doors with your professional clothes and your composed figure. It was torture to see you walk around so prettily and serious, holding his bare heart in your hands, and not even realizing it. By now, he lived and thrived on those rare opportunities you had to spend time together as he became more and more covered in you.

As the jet landed and Spencer walked out to talk to Derek, you pettily made sure to step on Lila Archer's face when leaving the jet in sheer frustration.

Back to the bullpen, you had gone to the restroom to splash some water on your face in order to calm your nerves and to tell yourself that it was only a matter of time until things got back to normal — until you got back to normal. Glancing at your reflection in the mirror, you wondered if Spencer could tell that there was something wrong with you, if you had let any of your feelings slip during your short conversation. The version of you that stared back was as impassible as you ever were. As you made your way to your desk in the dimly lit sea of desks, you caught Spencer and Derek talking, both having their backs to you.

Sighing, you just left the headquarters, not wanting to know what they were discussing, or rather, knowing what they were discussing, but unwilling to stay, even if it would quench your curiosity as to what Spencer had been thinking.

Maybe you didn't want to know the answer.

—

The days went by, cases coming left and right, flights making you almost dizzy — not that you would admit, but you were terrified of heights. Between those and your training, you barely had time to think about Spencer and the entire Lila occasion. You spent your days busy with work, studies and physical training in order to keep your mind away from that, but as you lay awake at night, the memories would come back to haunt you relentlessly to the point you had recurring dreams of them. Together, as you watched from the sidelines. You kept to yourself, slipping further and further away from Spencer.

Reid, on the other hand, felt your absence more than anyone. You took a rain check on all the invitations he made, even when he invited you to movie night, when he would definitely choose a Russian movie because you mentioned once how you liked how the language sounds. There wasn't any more donuts on his desk as he arrived in the morning (he would always joke that you and your father secretly lived in the headquarters and that someday he would see Haley bringing your groceries to the secret house), and there was no one for him to throw his paper airplanes, small flashcards with the Russian phonological alphabet, at. The change in your behavior was absurdly clear to everyone: you barely called or texted him anymore, you didn't look his way when someone told a joke to check if he thought it was funny... He was sulking, to say the least. Upon questioning you, you blamed your lack of free time and as he was going to question you further, you said in a teasing tone that not everyone was like him and that the FBI was actually making you go through all the training phases.

Finally, during the end of a particularly frustrating workday, he finally snapped, grabbing your arm before you could enter the elevator. It was only you and him in the otherwise empty hallway. "Ok. What's been going on? And don't," he said, closing his eyes, "don't dance around the subject. Don't say it's the Academy. Don't say you have to work. Don't. Please, be honest with me."

The exasperation in his eyes and in his tone almost broke the wall that hid your true feelings, but as you glanced at him, you figured you couldn't do it. Be honest? What for? To hear that you're nothing more than his best friend? Losing said friend was not an option, not to you, at least. But you also knew that you weren't treating him right, that keeping him out was not at all fair to him, that leaving him in the dark was as hurtful as it would be to lose him.

Breathing deeply, you answered with the same stoic expression you wore every single damn day. "I told you, Reid. People go through different, busier times in their lives." The lie tasted like acid.

Spencer clenched his teeth, frustration and confusion beginning to override some of his social anxieties. “That! That!” He asked through clenched teeth, his gaze intense.

"That what?" You asked, puzzled.

"You... you stopped calling me 'Spence'—not that you did it often, you did it more when we were all alone, and it... it sucks! It sucks because I don't know what happened or what I did that was so wrong to make you stop liking me!"

Come on, just say something! Get angry, get sad, get something!, his mind screamed.

"I never stopped liking you," you said, looking away from him. His words hit a particular spot that you were totally willing to discover later, but the mere thought that he knew that you liked him more than as a friend made you shiver.

"That's not the point! Or—or rather, it is! Because if you didn't stop liking me, why would you act like you did?" He asked, his tone rising a bit.

"Calm down."

"Calm down? I will not calm down!" He almost yelled. His eyes widened slightly, disbelief clear in his features and tone, not to mention the frustration. "Just. Please.” He said, closing his eyes, willing himself to tone it down, not that it worked... “Tell me what you're thinking, what happened to you! For once! Any normal person would react and stop acting like an emotionless robot!"

You gaped like a fish out of water, taking a small step back, his words digging a hole in your heart. Upon hearing his own words and noticing you distancing yourself from him, all the anger vanished from his body. The widened eyes were a sign of realization of what he had said to you. During the early months of friendship, you had confided in him that you struggled with portraying emotion like others normally did. Maybe it had something to do with growing up with a father who did it so perfectly when he was out of the house. When he wasn't actively playing the ‘dad’ part, Aaron Hotchner would wear an unreadable mask like it was his armor, his defense from the outer world, but as soon as he got home, he was back to his main role. You would watch him with his coworkers and mimic him perfectly to make him laugh. At some point, making fun of and imitating his demeanor had become some serious form of self-defense for you. Spencer, then, joked that you were making your way to the perfect job, but then he had gotten serious and told you that it wasn't a flaw. That it wasn't a problem that you kept deeply to yourself sometimes — that it was okay to be yourself around him. You had felt safe by his side since then.

But now, what did those words mean? Were they lies?

He breathed out your name, softly, "I... I... I'm sorry."

"Just drop it," you replied, pushing the elevator button. Your dismissive tone and your action of leaving made Spencer feel utterly desolate, like he had done the wrongest thing in the world and perhaps he had, but he just wanted you to let him in. For once, he wanted to have the answers from your lips, not spend any more time analyzing your every single action and words...

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"You know, Spencer…" he looked up at you when he heard his name, as you held out an arm to hold the elevator doors open. As if thinking better than to say anything, you sighed and turned to enter the elevator, shaking your head with the most disappointed look he had ever seen on your face.

Spencer tried looking at you one last time before the elevator doors closed, and despite your face being as unreadable as it often was, he saw a flicker of sadness that stung his heart more than he liked to admit. If he hadn't done anything wrong before, now he had utterly fucked everything up.

—

The drive home, for Spencer, was a torture. He knew that he had to pay attention to the road ahead of him, to the other vehicles and drivers, but his mind kept drifting to the last glimpse of you back in the headquarters. Your empty eyes appeared behind his eyelids every time he pressed his eyes closed. He willed himself not to cry, to not blur his vision, taking his frustration out on the steering wheel, where his grip was so tight that his knuckles turned white. As he parked his car and looked up to one of his windows, he remembered you. Because of course he would remember you.

The sight was almost comical, to be honest. You, clad in one of the suits that fitted you so well, sitting on his windowsill, a cup of green tea in hands as you stared out the window, trying to analyze every single drop of rain before it reached somewhere outside your vision range. The funny thing was that you had no shoes on, instead, Spencer lent you a mismatched pair, not being one used to having people over, he didn't have a pair of spare slippers. Then, you sat there with a dinosaur-pattern sock on one foot and a striped-pattern sock on the other.

Spencer, sitting on his sofa and holding his own cup (he had let you choose your mug and stayed quiet when you pointed quietly at his favorite), smiled to himself. It was weirdly calming seeing you out of your character, doing something so... human.

"I can feel you staring, you know," you said. And your tone was almost... teasing?

"Right. Sorry." He said, looking down at his steaming tea.

"I'm not scolding you," you said, turning to look at his direction with a grin.

"Right, no—heh..." he replied, bashfully, cheeks reddening at the sight of your smile.

If only you knew... how many hours he would lay awake at night, as thoughts swirled in his head, how everything seemed to shut down at the thought of you. How he would fall asleep to the wish of being on the receiving end of one of your rare smiles, how he appreciated that you were always the first one he talked to upon his arrival at the headquarters. How... how he would do anything for you to look at him under a different light.

Seemingly out of nowhere, you giggled. Everything stopped.

Spencer.exe has stopped working.

"Heheh—I guess... It's not everyday you get to see a Hotchner so out of its—heheh—habitat." You quipped, looking at him with a smile on your face.

Suddenly, Spencer lost his voice. The connection between his brain and his tongue, which felt heavy, disappeared. Completely speechless, eyes slightly wide at the sound of your laughter. It made you laugh a bit more, but when his stare and open mouth got too much to handle, you looked down at your feet, wiggling your toes to distract yourself from the intensity of his gaze full of awe. Then, Spencer got back to his senses, smiling at you as you missed it to look away in embarrassment.

Spencer blinked away the tears and left his car, entering his apartment. As he took off his shoes, he let the tears fall at the sight of your windowsill.

—

Meanwhile, you were getting wasted at some bar. Not just any bar, but the one you usually went with Spencer when you were feeling daring and wanted a change from the places where you both used to go to. You were a bit of a lightweight, so a couple of drinks were enough for you to start playing trivia with Spencer and let your gaze linger for longer, basking in the sight of him so carefree, having fun with you.

Upon your arrival, the bartender that usually took care of your orders, MJ, greeted you with a smile. When she saw no one was joining you, she frowned. "Good evening, Hotch. Where's loverboy?"

You sent her a look, but since you were letting your guard down, after all, there were no acquaintances or friends around, you didn't know if the look came out as a glare or if you looked like a kicked puppy. She snorted. "Gee... That bad, huh?" She asked, and you didn't answer again, though you muttered a soft thanks, MJ when she gave you your go-to drink.

And it turned into two drinks. Three. Four...

(MJ was now giving you alcohol-free drinks, too worried for your well-being. You and Spencer started to grow on her as you two kept coming back.)

You rested your chin on your left hand while you traced patterns with your right index finger on the counter. MJ was eyeing you suspiciously, drying a few glasses with a washcloth. "He kissed another girl." You admitted, quietly.

"No way." She gasped.

"Way."

"But... I thought you two were a thing." MJ was baffled, placing down the objects she was holding in sheer shock. "I always thought you two were like... together for years."

"We were a thing.... I think, at least... I don't know, MJ." You sighed, tucking a stray of hair behind your ear. Looking up at her, hazy eyes taking in her focused expression, you sniffled, "we were on this case and then he met a girl and then the next moment the two of them were making out in a pool. In a freaking pool."

She tsked, anger flashing in her eyes, "I swear, those nerdy guys are the worst."

"Yeah..." You muttered, fiddling with your straw. "Can I have another one?"

She pursed her lips, but she relented. Then, as she handed you the liquid, a guy sat next to you. Did he look like Spencer or were you already hallucinating?

"Hi. I'm Dave. Can I buy you a drink...?" He asked with a small smile, wanting to know your name.

No, not Spencer. It’s cool.

"Hi, I..."

MJ cut you off. "Hey, Dave, I think she had too much to drink already."

They exchanged looks and it took you a minute to feel offended by her interruption and knowing you were perfectly capable of speaking for yourself, but realizing you would probably have to entertain a stranger, you felt grateful for it.

Dave left with a sour smile. "Thanks." You muttered, again, looking at MJ.

"Do you need me to get you a cab, honey?"

"That would be great." You said, placing money bills to pay for your drinks and the tip.

MJ looked around to spot someone to keep an eye on the bar as she led you out of the place, hand never leaving your shoulder. As she called a cab, she made you stand on only one leg to make sure you weren't gonna need her to go with you. You scoffed, but obeyed her all the same, with a low snicker. As you two waited for the cab driver, a woman who MJ trusted with her life (and her favorite regulars), you tried to make conversation to make up for embarrassing yourself by talking about Spencer with someone. How pathetic.

"So, what does MJ stand for?"

She chuckled, shaking her head at you and at your dazed eyes. "That's classified information."

"I'm familiar with that."

The cab driver, Paula, arrived. She greeted the both of you with a smile and a cheerful good evening! As you entered the vehicle, you rolled the windows down and pressed the subject further, "Seriously, is it Mary Jane or were your parents more creative?"

She rolled your eyes at you, shaking her head. "It's Mary Jane. MJ because who would take me seriously?"

You smiled. "I like the shoes!"

Paula started driving slowly, just to let other drivers drop their own passengers, as you were lost in your own little world, serious expression taking over your face again, not wavering, as you delved deeper into the whirlwind of thoughts plaguing your head. Paula, looking at you through the rear-view mirror, asked, "Is everything okay, honey?"

You buckled your seatbelt. "Yes, yes. Just... keep driving slowly, please."

"Where to?"

Only then you realized you never gave her an address. Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you gave her Spencer's, telling her you were going home.

—

An unknown number had sent Spencer a couple of messages.

[8:32 p.m.] Lovergirl is here, drinking all by herself.

[8:32 p.m.] Water, but still. I'm not having her passed out without you here.

[8:40 p.m.] Sent her home, people were starting to approach.

Throughout the time he had spent with you at the bar, the two of you exchanged numbers with MJ in case she needed your help — you know, being FBI agents and whatnot. But Spencer didn't need to see her name to know it was her and she was talking about you; 'lovergirl' and 'passed out without you here' gave him clue enough. His stomach tied in knots when he read that people were starting to approach her, the nagging feeling that the image conjured in his mind was making him feel almost sick, then, it hit him like a truck: Lila Archer.

Their… case? was as fleeting as a careless glance. To be honest, Spencer accepted her advances to spite you for having such power over him, even if unknowingly so. The young agent felt like you were so out of his league, so out of reach — you were all that pile of confidence and stoicism and pure lusciousness and everything to him. And he was a young guy who truly had barely been kissed so far. How could he approach you, charm his way into your heart, especially when you barely bared it? With Lila, it was... nice. Easy, even. It was nice being wanted, to be able to read her intentions and desires like a children's book. With you, it was a tantalizing challenge, one he was, for the first time, struggling with. It was not like having a high-school crush, not like pining over the untouchable girls that would catch his interest as he grew older. No. This was something new. You had hit him deeper than ever or anyone before.

Plus, as much as he hated to admit it, he gave room to the anxious thoughts regarding your father as well. Would it affect his relationship with his superior? Would it affect your relationship with your father? Spencer felt dizzy just by the mere thought of ruining something uniquely yours. No, he couldn't impose himself on your life like that. It was mean, it was wrong, it was immoral.

To want, to desire, is to be selfish.

It was a bold assumption. To think you were jealous of him. Nevertheless, the signs were all there, had been all along. He was just dumb and scared enough of making assumptions.

A barely there, faint sound of a knock on his door made Spencer fly out of his bed, dropping his phone on the bedroom floor, but he didn't pick it up. He had a suspicion as to who could be knocking on his door, but he was too scared of assuming anything. Again. Opening the door, he saw you, breathing a bit heavily. The stairs, he supposed. You always complained about them. Once you exchanged looks, Spencer’s surprised one and your earnest one, you asked, "Do you really think I'm a robot?"

Shit. He could feel his heart breaking in a million little pieces. The insecure edge of your voice and words made him squeeze his eyes shut; in his mind, he was kicking himself simultaneously as he sank down to his knees, on your feet, begging you to forgive and forget his dumb, stupid, frustrated, unrealistic words.

"No," he breathed out, wincing, almost as if he was in physical pain. "I—I didn't mean to talk about you like that. I was..."

"Frustrated?"

He nodded, silently, eyes never leaving your face. Your speech, albeit way out of the ordinary that he was used to, was flawless. If not by the dilated pupils and the faint smell of alcohol, not to mention MJ's texts, he would dare to say you were perfectly sober. "I was, too." You admitted, looking down.

Spencer made way for you to enter his apartment. He watched as you kicked your shoes off. The sight, that had become as common as the act of breathing, made his way flutter. You intended on staying. Or so he hoped. You walked further into the place, noticing everything as it ever was, as if you hadn't been to his apartment for some time now. "You must be thinking why I'm here," you said, moving to sit on the couch and mentioning him to sit on the small coffee table in front of you, as if you owned the place, and not him.

Perhaps it was true.

He closed the door once you were inside, hesitating for a moment before joining you. He kept noticing things about you; the way you were walking, the way you could barely look him in the eye, the way you looked… “How much did you have to drink?” He asked, quietly.

"Not much. You know I don't usually drink because I can’t hold my drinks. And I'm sure MJ was giving me plain water at some point." You said, looking up at him. Well, at least, your speech flawlessly delivered, even though you were moving a bit more… disoriented than usual. She's totally a Hotchner.

"I... I am," he started, sitting in front of you carefully. "I... I'm sorry. It's just... You've never been so distant. I guess that I was mean to you to elicit some reaction."

Your analytical gaze softened upon his confession. You needed to give him some break, be a little easy on him. Well, easier than you were being as of lately. Nodding lightly, you added, "I'm here to apologize, too. I know... I know that I pushed you away and I made you think that... that that was your fault. It's not."

He froze. No, he wouldn't have you taking the blame for how his actions caused you to react. He looked up at you, reaching out a hand to touch your intertwined ones, "It is."

"Hear me out. Please." You said, lowly, not breaking eye contact. This was so hard, and you had never felt so afraid before. How ironic — to be afraid of being brave. "I... I guess that by now you know why I pulled away."

"I do," he admitted, nervously. "It took me some time, but I... I think I figured you out."

You looked down, embarrassed. It was overwhelming for him to see you portray such different and so many emotions all at once. To you, it was as agonizing as it was freeing. "Well, yes. So... It, um, it wasn't fair. We... we are not something. We are not a thing."

His heart, doing all the thinking and feeling, nearly stopped. As if it wasn't enough, you kept on going, "I'm sorry, I truly am, for how I behaved and how I made you feel by being absent. It's... it's not my place. You have your own life, Reid. I can't be upset with you for making decisions. You're a grown man..." you sighed, glancing at every direction but at him. "I know that I'm wrong, okay? And I know that I shouldn't have pushed you away, nor should I have kept my feelings from you."

Spencer drew in a long breath. He didn't know what to say, but you couldn't be more wrong. All at once, he wanted to scream, but he didn't know what ro say; he wanted to run, but he didn't want to leave you alone — not for a second. He didn't ever want you out of his sight; he didn't want to be the one you were apologizing to, hell, he wanted everything to be okay between them, but it was nice that she was talking to him, finally.

"I..."

Every time he thought he could say something, words failed him. Then, you took it as another opportunity to word-vomit everything you've been feeling. "I was... I was jealous. I didn't like to see that. I didn't like that it happened. But I also know that I have no right to be upset with you because you're single and she's attractive and you're both consenting and willing to do whatever you please, so..." You shrugged as if speaking those words aloud didn't stab new holes in your heart.

Spencer looked at you, totally speechless. It made you snicker. And speak further. Shut up, you idiot. Please, please, please! "And, ah—hahahah—I guess I am, indeed, a bit of a robot because it took me a bit of alcohol to pluck up the courage to come here and totally—hic—destroy our friendship by telling you I love you so much; that I'd hate to see you with anyone other than me. It happened and I hated it. It still stings."

Spencer's heart threatened to fail once again. Your giggles, your words, your confession... His mind completely short-circuited. She loved him. She loved him? She loved him?!?!???!!! That’s what she’d just said, apparently. Okay, calm down. And she’d been jealous. She didn’t like him kissing another woman, because she fucking loved him. Say something, you dumb idiot, his brain shrieked. Say something!

You parted your lips to say something else, but apparently decided against it. Another beat of silence of Spencer staring dumbly at you. "I'm going," you blurted out, standing up.

Spencer, at breakneck speed, stood up as well to stop you from walking away, placing his hands tentatively on your shoulders. Your bodies were now apart by mere inches. "No." His voice was so small and pained that you sat back down.

Despite your apparent willingness, your next words told him about your turmoil. "Why would I stay, Spencer? I've been pouring my heart out to you and you haven't said a thing."

Looking at you, so bare and so vulnerable, Spencer suddenly had flashbacks from when he had lashed out on you earlier and simultaneously fought the feelings that were bubbling inside of him upon your confession. Couldn't you see the sheer shock on his face? Couldn't you see that he was battling against every single bit of self restraint not to pull you into his embrace and make you believe him when he would tell you that you were the only woman for him?

Sure, he had dreamed of you saying those words to him countless times as time went by and you two got closer. Shit, he literally dreamed of it. Of you. Speaking sweet nothings to him... He broke out of his daze, realizing that he was deadly silent, "Don't go..."

"Then say something. I'm here. Not as Hotch's daughter, not as your coworker, not as a part of the team you work with. I'm here as the woman in whose heart you've grown over the last few months. I'm terrified of your answer and you keep depriving me of it." There was a hint of annoyance and hurry on your voice, and he could understand you, he truly could. He just didn't... he lost his voice when he looked at you.

Saying your name softly, he beginned, “I said stupid, untrue things, and I’m sorry. I’m a jerk, and I know that I’m a jerk and—" You quirked your eyebrow and he took a deep breath, trying to cut his rant. "Just... don't sit there and think that I have nothing to say."

"Have you said it?" You pressed it, quirking an eyebrow.

"No." He admitted, widening his eyes a bit as he realized his mistake.

At the same time, you shot, "Not saying something is also an answer for me—"

"—but not for the reasons you're thinking! Do you know how hard it is for me right now?" Spencer was starting to sound very desperate and pathetic, not to mention the fact that he wasn't answering your questions.

Deep breaths (from both ends).

"Look, Reid..." He glared at you upon hearing his last name. "I think I should go home. You and I clearly need some space—"

"What we need to do is talk."

You sighed. "Then why won't you give me an answer?"

Silence.

"You won't even remember this in the morning."

At that, you deemed yourself utterly defeated. This was useless. "I'm sorry I came over. I'm... I'll just go, okay? Please, don't be upset about tonight. I apologize in advance."

The sight of her, once more shying away from him and turning to escape from him, was making Spencer frustrated, with himself, to no end. His heart clenched at your apology, to which he shook his head vehemently. The thing is, he wanted to get ready to answer you, properly, just like he always had some trick up his sleeve or some funny or curious fact to blurt during the most random moments. Spencer was good at speaking, but only when the speech was already ingrained into his mind, something he had read or rehearsed before. Plus, he was sure your state of drunkenness would stop you from remembering that moment.

Spencer dashed to his door, barely stopping you. No, no, no, no, no... She can't leave. This might be my only chance. "You're not going anywhere."

"Excuse me?"

"Stay with me. I don't want you to go." He said, softly, slowly, looking straight into your eyes. It made you dizzy. Either that or the alcohol.

"No?"

"Y-you're drunk and I... I don't think it's safe for you to go by yourself and it's late and... and..." he trailed off, nervously, desperate to get you to stay.

"I'm not drunk."

"You're not fooling me. You might be as concise as ever but you're not sober. Stay."

"Promise... promise you won't be upset with me?"

His heart dropped, heavy with guilt. And with love for you. "I promise."

Spencer silently led you back to the couch, gingerly holding your hand. He felt dazzled, speechless, desperate, frustrated, all at once. But your touch was starting to ground him back to reality, where you were real, having confessed your feelings for him, and he was a mess, not even being able to say anything back. Without much thinking, he said, "You should stay over tonight."

"Okay... I'll take the couch."

"As if I'd let you sleep on the couch."

"It's okay."

"Stop... stop acting like I sent you away."

You kept silent. You felt like he did. Through his touch, he hoped to get you to understand that his feelings were a mess, but they existed, and they were real, and they were yours. "That'd be alright with me, you know. Taking your couch. I think I would sleep better on your floor than I would ever in my bed. To... to say that anything is better if you're somehow involved."

His stomach made a flip-flop. Brain short-circuited again. You yawned, as if you had just made an annoying comment on the weather.

"Are you tired?" He managed to mutter.

"I am."

"Come on. Let's get you to bed."

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'? I'm not letting you on the couch. Come on."

"I can't go to your bed with outside clothes." You booped his nose.

He chuckled lowly, confused a little by your words. "Are you seriously worried about clothes?"

"You don't like germs. That's why I removed my shoes."

Okay, he thought, if I manage to put her to sleep without having a heart attack, I definitely don't need a cardiologist's appointment because it would mean I'm that strong.

"Y-you... remembered?" Damn it, Reid. Stop stuttering.

You sighed, tiredly, and rested your head on his shoulder, looking down at his hand holding yours. "I remember everything about you."

"You do?"

"Yes. Fortunately or unfortunately."

Spencer was too stunned to speak. Too stunned, too dumb, too afraid. Damn it. Damn it. He couldn't stop cursing internally. He forced himself to pull you towards his bedroom and even though he still sensed some uncertainty, he kept going. Reaching for a pair of sweatpants and a big t-shirt, he gave those to you. "You can change into these," as he left the room to make you more comfortable.

"Wait!" You almost shrieked.

"What happened?" He prompted, worriedly, reaching a hand out to touch your arm.

"I don't want you to go."

He bit back a sigh. "I'll be just outside."

"Just... stay here?"

"I can't—" he interrupted himself, just turning around so his back was to you instead. At that, he looked up at his ceiling and prayed to any deity to let him survive that night.

He could hear the sounds of your movements. The zipper being undone, the soft ruffling of the fabric as you tugged your shirt up your head... He was imagining your exposed skin, every perfect inch, how would you look without all those clothes that suited you so nicely, how would it be to touch you, to run his fingertips all over your heated skin, how would it be to kiss every freckle on your body, to—"Done."

Turning around, the sight was adorable, which made him somewhat guilty of his early impure thoughts. "I feel like Alice when she shrunk into a tiny human."

He couldn't fight the smile at your words. He led you to his bed, where you laid on your back on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling. Spencer left you briefly to get you a glass of water and some painkillers to leave by the bedside table. You thanked him with a silent glance. As he turned to leave, once again, you said in a small voice, almost phrasing it like a question, too afraid of the answer. "Stay."

"I'll take the couch."

"You asked me to stay, thrice, I guess… And I did. I asked you once and you did. I still have a few requests left. I'm keeping tabs."

He relented, laying next to you and placing a pillow between you two. You breathed out a chuckle and he shook his head, clearly knowing where your mind had gone to. He placed his hand on top of the pillow, offering his comfort, and then you tentatively placed yours on top of his. He grinned to himself.

It was hard for him to wrap his head around what had happened that night. He knew his words — or lack of — could be read the wrong way and you possibly did, but he also hoped that his actions were speaking louder. Just as he was getting lost in thought again, he heard your voice once more.

"Spence?"

That damned nickname.

"Thanks for, um, being so respectful. Not that I don't think you'd be. But, um, as you've said, I'm drunk. And I told you I love you. And you're simply holding my hand." He gulped. He was keeping count, too, of how many times you said you loved him. Twice, so far, but he wanted so much more, endlessly. He wanted to lose track. "I guess... that makes me love you even more," you finished, crushing his heart between your palms, voice thick with sleep.

When he finally turned his head to look at you, your eyes were closed and you looked peaceful, drifting off to sleep. Then, when he was sure you were actually asleep, he stood up from his bed, grabbing a pillow and a spare blanket to lay on the floor.

"I'll gladly sleep on my floor if it means I get to have you around, too..."

—

Spencer didn't get any sleep.

He tossed and turned on the floor all night long, both because his carpet was not the most comfortable spot to sleep on, but also and mostly because there was no way in hell his mind stopped working. All through the night, Spencer fought the urge to shake you awake to ask if this was real, if you really loved him, if the words that slipped through your lips were in fact your feelings towards him. Despite his curiosity and eagerness, he let you sleep, figuring that he had already put you through too much already. As you slept, a movie played on his mind: your moments together, your confession of love, and overthinking the words we are not something. We are not a thing. He feared that you would wake up and realize how badly he had screwed up and decide not to want him anymore. Yes, he was that anxious.

You, on the other hand, even though confused by his lack of answer to your heart’s words, felt lighter than ever by speaking out your truth (the booze did help you a lot, though). Being as analytical as you were had its perks. One of them is that you never let yourself suffer too much for too long, too attached to reality to care much about the rest. So what if he rejected you? Life goes on — and that’s what you thought with every other loser that you caught yourself thinking too much of. Spencer, though… Who were you kidding? Spencer was Spencer. And that meant the world… It wasn’t so bad, if he actually rejected you… you’d only have to face him every day, until the rest of your lives, doomed to work together, cursed to think and rethink all over again small, fleeting moments such as an exchange of longing glances.

(You felt strangely calm due to your touch with reality. Maybe, just maybe, you were hoping for the best based on his care with and for you. But boy, were you ready to give him a piece of your mind.)

As your eyes fluttered open, you stretched your limbs on an unfamiliar bed with too much space. Upon your confusion, the memories came back with full force. You jolted, sitting down, searching for him — and, to be honest, not wanting to find him. The house was deadly silent, so you tried to trick yourself that you were sure he wasn't there. You dashed to the bathroom, taking a quick shower to get rid of the shame and the faint reek of alcohol. As you moved around his stuff, you couldn't help but think that you were so familiar with his things that it was almost like you belonged there. Sigh. It turns out that hiding emotions is easier than feeling them, especially their extremes.

As soon as you finished putting on your own clothes, you stopped dead in your tracks as you heard footsteps outside the bedroom. You froze, not knowing what to say. Or do.

Spencer entered the room, holding a tray meticulously organized with some food on it. “Morning. I, um, made you breakfast.” Because of course he would make you fucking breakfast.

“Morning,” you replied awkwardly and hoarsely. Maybe you cried a little bit, who knows… “Thanks, you didn't have to.”

“I did.”

You take your time to get a good look at him. He had bags under his eyes that appeared to be tired. The sight made your heart drop. “I'm sorry…”

“Don't be.”

“But I was wrong.”

“So was I.”

“But—”

“Last night you said some things. Do you, uh, do you remember what you told me?” You nodded, unable to speak. “Do you remember what you told me?” He repeated, trying to get a verbal answer from you.

“Yes, Spencer. I remember.”

“Can you listen to what I have to say now?”

You nodded, weakly.

“I didn't say anything because… because everything had gone in the most opposite direction they could've gone.” He said, approaching you calmly. “I was up the entire night, hoping to find the right words to tell you that would make you believe me after I… was stupid. I… First, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I know you said that we're nothing, that we weren't something, that we didn't have anything… but… but you're everything to me.” At that, your eyes finally met his. The intensity of your gaze made him shudder, but he kept going. “All the time we've spent together was nothing compared to what I want to have with you… and… and… God! Do you have any idea of the torture I was put through with you? Constantly thinking of what we could be, what we should be, too scared of your reaction or that—that—that Hotch decided to chop off my neck because he found out that I was crushing on his only daughter!”

At the mention of your dad, you burst out laughing. Seriously? That was such a cliché! “Hey! I'm serious!”

“I'm sorry…” You bit your bottom lip, fighting the urge to laugh at him some more. He was adorable.

“As I was saying,” he continued, trying to sound annoyed, but a hint of a smile threatened to break on his lips, and he didn't pull away when you approached him nor he did when you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your chin on his chest, looking up at him, adoringly. He looked down, meeting your gaze, “I… I love you. I love you too. God, it just feels so good to say that!”

You giggled, again. God, he could never get used to that sound.

“And I’m sorry for being so mean to you when I was frustrated. I should have been more patient and my unthoughtful words hurt you.” You kept silent, remembering his words. “I—I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing if you’ll have me.” He added, intimidated by your gaze.

Silence. “Well, I accept your apologies. I was unfair to you as well. And you know where I stand when it comes to you. My feelings, I mean.”

“I do… But…”

“But?”

“I'd like to hear you say it.”

“Say what?”

“That you love me?”

“I don't know. Do I, really?” You joked.

He blushed furiously, ready to stutter himself out of that situation. “No, I mean… you—you said that—that you remembered what you said last night and… so… putting two and two…”

Another giggle interrupted him. You traced his jawline, leaning up to kiss his right cheek. “I really, really love you.” A kiss to his left cheek. He chuckled. “I love you.” A kiss on the tip of his nose, to which he snorted, totally lovestruck. “So much.” A lingering, tender kiss to his forehead. He closed his eyes, already anticipating the next spot you would press your soft lips to.

As you made your way to finally kiss his lips, you decided to tease him and let him wait for a bit longer. Spencer groaned in protest and you chuckled a bit, finally deciding that it was enough. Pressing your lips to the corner of his mouth, making him sigh, you were thrilling on making him more and more eager. His grip on you tightened just slightly as he let out a shaky breath. You wanted to laugh, but instead, you poked fun at him. “Now you know what it's like to be teased.”

“I love you. Oh, Jesus… You're driving me insane. You're here�� And you, you're you…”

You grinned, looking up at him, finally, finally pressing your lips to his. As you let out a small sigh, his breath hitched, both of you utterly drowning in relief and satisfaction. You pulled back a bit, grinning, going back to kissing him. Spencer's hands found your jawline, sliding back to tangle in your hair as he sucked your bottom lip into his mouth. Parting your lips slightly, you granted him full access to kiss you properly, and he moaned at the taste of you, gripping your hair rougher than before. You groaned softly, and he proudly heard and swallowed all your small sounds.

The ring of a phone broke the urgent atmosphere that was building between you two. Spencer ignored it, letting it ring until you pulled away, gasping for air. As you did, the noise stopped and you met his lost eyes, totally dumbstruck, and you laughed because you probably looked the same way. He gave you a charming, lopsided grin, too stupid, too hypnotized to say anything.

The phone began ringing again. “Son of a…!” he cursed, picking up the phone. “Hi, this is Dr. Spencer Reid and unless this is an absolute emergency, I'm kinda busy—”

“Reid.” Aaron Hotchner's firm voice hit Spencer like a bucket of cold water. Widening his eyes, he gulped.

“Yes… sir?” You smiled at that. Of course you knew who he was talking to.

“We have a new case.” Hotch announced.

“Oh… okay… I, um, I—I'll be there in 20.”

Silence.

“Is everything okay, Reid?” Hotchner could read anyone, Spencer was now sure of that. Even through the goddamned phone.

“Wh—yeah, yeah… Everything's… totally f—fine.” He cursed under his breath as you gripped his vest, trying not to laugh.

“Do you know where she is?” Hotch inquired after another moment of quietness.

“Who?” He squeaked. You chuckled silently.

“My daughter.” Of course it was his daughter.

Playing dumb is not a good look on you, you mouthed.

“N—no… I haven't… heard from her.”

“Sure.” Hotch said, skeptically. Spencer could feel the sweat on his forehead. After a moment, your father finished the call with an unreadable “We need to talk.”

Once the phone call ended, you burst out laughing at Spencer's reaction. “Not funny.” He protested, a frown on his face and a soft smile betraying his faux frustration.

“Come on, it is funny.”

He glared at you. “What do you think he wants to talk about?”

“I don't know. Men talk. I wouldn't want to get involved.” You said, grinning, pulling him by his vest.

He squeezed his eyes shut, relishing in the feeling of having you so close. “Do you think he knows?”

“Of course he knows.”

“How are you so collected?”

“Because I'm not the one he's going to scare to death, apparently.”

“He said ‘we’ need to talk. Emphasizing ‘we’. If he knows you’re here, then it probably—” you cut him off with a kiss.

“Well, then… Are you ready to face your biggest fear? The frightening Aaron Hotchner?”

Glancing at you adoringly, he chuckled. “I’d face him and whoever, whatever, a thousand times, if it meant that I could get you in the end.”

—

A couple days after the case, you and Spencer meet again, in your apartment. Sitting down on the couch, you ask him, amusedly, “Do you think he noticed?”

“Totally. I could barely look him in the eye for the first moments,” He said with a fond smile, hiding from you the fact that he had awkwardly and bravely spoken to your dad about your relationship. You laughed, placing your legs on the top of his legs. “I guess we should thank Lila, after all.” He joked, and you laughed out loud.

Leaning him closer to him, grabbing his chin and looking deep into his eyes, you muttered, “Don’t ever say her name again, Spence.”

Your wish was always his command. It would always be.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x yn #spencer reid x hotchner!reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid self insert

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moonstruckme · 12 hours ago

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Pookie! I need you to write me something pretty please :)

Can you write Remus comforting a reader with an anxiety disorder when someone told them "there's nothing to be anxious about. You just want attention" ??? Pretty please?? Love you pookieeeeeee

Thanks for requesting!

cw: mean girl stuff, social anxiety

Remus Lupin x fem!reader ♡ 929 words

“Shh.” Remus holds you close to his chest, his hand moving up and down your arm now that your crying has slowed. “It’s okay. It’s just us, yeah?”

“Yeah,” you echo, croakily. You’re glad you can’t see your boyfriend’s face, for fear you’d die of embarrassment otherwise. The looming insecurity of your day stands over you like a grim reaper.

You arrived home from a friend’s birthday dinner to find Remus sitting on the couch, already marking the page of his book as he turned to you with a soft smile.

“Hi, sweetheart. How was it?”

You replied, through a laugh that turned into a sob halfway through, “Not great.”

The dinner had been an event of foreboding for you since your invite. You’d been determined to be a good friend by not bailing, but actually going had confirmed your worst fears; it was loud, crowded, filled with people you didn’t know and didn’t fit with. Your outfit wasn’t right, the menu was daunting, and conversation swirled all around you about things you weren’t a part of. The fallout was basically inevitable.

You perhaps waited too long to excuse yourself. You were sweating buckets and breathing around a lump by the time you did, whispering an explanation to your friend before locking yourself into a bathroom stall to talk yourself down. You’re sure she didn’t mean anything by telling the people sitting closest to her why you were gone—you don’t think she’d do it to gossip, and she’s never talked down to you about that sort of thing, at least not to your face—but by the time you returned one of her friends—a stranger to you, who’s name you can’t even remember—had formulated a fairly decisive opinion and dubbed you an attention seeker.

You stayed only a little longer after that. Just long enough to avoid attracting more attention. And you worked yourself up well enough on the way home that all it took was one innocent question from Remus to send you crumpling into his arms.

You’ve tried to steel yourself more than once, but any attempts at stoicism have been foiled by your boyfriend’s tender looks and whispered placations, which only make you cry harder. If you’re an attention seeker, Remus is your holy grail. Self loathing sits lodged in your throat like a stone.

“Whose friend was it, again?” Remus asks, stroking your arm gently.

You take a breath, trying to steady your voice. “Does it matter?”

“I don’t mean it’s your friend’s fault, sweetheart,” Remus says. He’s all softness and patience, better than you could ever deserve. “I just thought you might talk to her, if you want to. She ought to know her friend is going around saying cruel things.”

“She was there.” Your throat tightens at the memory.

“Oh. Then I don’t suppose you need to say anything; I’m sure she’s already very upset for you.”

You try to laugh, frustrated with yourself when it only seems to spur another wave of tears. “Rem. You’re biased.”

“What?” Remus sounds genuinely surprised. “You don’t think she’s angry with that other girl?”

“She’s her friend.”

“So are you.” His arms tighten around you protectively, chin bumping your head. “I may be biased, but the other girl was clearly in the wrong. There’s no excuse for the way she acted.”

A dozen rebuttals fly about your head, but you keep your mouth shut. You don’t have the energy to argue. Unfortunately, Remus hears your argument in the silence anyway.

“Sweetheart,” he says softly, “no one puts themselves through what you do for attention. You don’t choose to feel that way.”

You hunch your back, tucking your head underneath his chin. “I do get attention for it, though.”

“That doesn’t mean you want it.”

“But I—”

“Do you want it?” You can’t see Remus, but you hear the hardened edge to his tone. “Did you like it, when that girl called attention to you in the middle of the dinner?”

Your voice smalls. “No.”

“Right.” The gentleness returns. Remus puts his lips to your head. “I know you didn’t, dovey. So don’t torment yourself, please. She doesn’t know anything about you.”

You push your lips together. He lets you chew on your next words for a while, his thumb swiping softly back and forth over your upper arm, the sleeve of your top shifting slightly with the motion.

“What if…” You gnaw the inside of your cheek. Remus waits. “What if everyone thinks that?”

“Mm. Well, for what it’s worth, I don’t think most people would. Surely not anyone who knows you, or anyone worth being around.” He takes a breath, thinking. “You can’t always control what people think. I know you say I’m biased, but anyone who thinks something like that really isn’t worth thinking about at all. You’ve got enough going through that head of yours, yeah?” He kisses your hair fondly.

“I guess so,” you admit.

“Yeah,” Remus decides. He pulls away to see your face, pushing hair away from your tacky cheeks. “I’d say so.”

You wonder if you look as horrendously in love as you feel. You think you must, because your boyfriend’s expression softens impossibly further as he turns his head to give you a proper kiss. You feel raw but comforted, and suddenly, totally exhausted.

“Let the bullies worry about themselves.” Remus gives you a tender look. “I’ll worry about you.”

You let a small smile tilt your lips. “And what am I left to worry about?”

“Nothing,” he says solemnly. “Think you can manage that?”

“Nope.”

“Mm. Well, try.”

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mrsmangi · 2 days ago

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just found ur account and I love ur writing!! Dianthus Barbatus

smile - luigi mangione

♡ flower prompt: dianthus barbatus - trying to make a loved one smile by any means necessary - meaning: derived from the greek words “dios” (god) and “anthos” (flower); symbolic of feelings of love, affection, gratitude and admiration ♡ w.c.: 1.1k ♡ a/n: hi anon! thank you so much for this request. i'm sorry it took so long! hopefully, you enjoy it as much as i did writing it. <3

♡ send me a flower & i'll write a drabble based off the prompt ! ↪ prompts that have been requested

Luigi has never considered himself a man of grand gestures. He isn’t the type to make speeches or sweep princesses off their feet in dazzling displays of affection. It isn’t his style. Luigi prefers quiet moments, subtle actions that proved to speak louder than any word in the dictionary ever could. Still, as he stands outside your door this morning, he wonders if maybe it’s the right time to try it out.

Buying you flowers had been an impulsive decision–something he just decided to do as he spotted a quaint flower shop on his way back home from an early errand. He spent a lot longer in the flower shop than he would ever admit to you, running his thumbs over the different textures of petals and second-guessing himself. He wanted them to be perfect–if not perfect, then right.

The bouquet feels small in his large hand–too small, maybe. Luigi almost feels foolish holding them. The thought that he might subconsciously be attempting to distill everything he feels about you into something as fleeting as petals has his nose twitching in disapproval.

His thoughts are interrupted by the soft click of a lock coming from your door and the creak of its hinges as it opens. You stand in the doorway, wrapped in his sweater he had left at your place a few nights before, a steaming mug in your hand. Your hair is slightly mussed, expression settled between somewhere surprised and sleepy.

“Luigi?” you ask gently. Your voice sounds hoarse from sleep. There’s a faint crease on your cheek that suggests to him you’ve only just woken up, and yet, to him, you still look radiant.

He smiles, holding up the flowers as if to explain himself. “Hey. I thought I would stop by.”

Amusement sparkles in your eyes as your lips begin to pull into a smile. “With flowers?”

“Yeah,” he says, feeling silly now. “Thought you might like them.”

“What’s the occasion?” you ask, stepping aside to let him inside.

“No occasion,” he says cooly, attempting to play it cool as he holds out the bouquet to you. “Just missed you.”

“Thank you,” you say as you take the bouquet, your fingers brushing against his. The brief contact sends a small jolt of electricity through him. He thinks he may never get used to being so close to you–a blessing like you feels too unreal to fathom. “They’re beautiful, Luigi.”

“They reminded me of you,” he says, watching your face carefully. He follows you into the kitchen where you search for a vase. You move with a kind of casual grace, the hem of his sweater brushing against your thighs, your bare feet padding softly against the floor. It’s a small, domestic thing, but he feels like he could watch you forever.

“You know,” you begin, rinsing out a small face, glancing at him over your shoulder, “you don’t usually stop by unannounced.” You give him a sidelong look, an eyebrow raised in playful suspicion. “Did something happen? You’re not usually this…spontaneous.”

He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Can’t a guy just want to spend time with you?”

“Sure,” you say, a smile tugging at your lips. You set the vase on the table. “But I know you, Luigi. You like routine. This is very un-routine.”

He couldn’t argue with that. You weren’t wrong at all. Then again, he thinks, watching you arrange the flowers with careful hands, there isn’t much about you that fits neatly into his routines. Maybe that’s what he liked the most about you. You slipped into the cracks of his life seamlessly, filling spaces he hadn’t even realized were empty. Everything felt brighter with you.

“I guess I just thought it might brighten your morning,” he says. He shifts his weight slightly, watching you as you continue to fret over the positioning of the flowers. “Doesn’t hurt to try, right?”

You glance over at him, your small smile morphing into a grin. “You’re surprisingly good at this,” you tease, tilting your head as you meet his eyes. “Have you been practicing?”

“Only in my head,” he admits, a gentle grin tugging the corners of his mouth. “For days.”

Luigi wasn’t lying. The truth was, he had spent most of the week thinking of ways to make you happy. He had noticed how tired you looked the last time you spoke, the way your eyes drifted to places he wasn’t capable of following, like your thoughts constantly weighed on you. It bothered him–the thought that you might be carrying more than you let on.

“I hope they make you smile,” he says softly, leaning against the counter as you fill the vase with water. He could only hope you understood his unspoken plea for the flowers to speak what he didn’t have the strength to convey aloud.

“They already have.”

He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, relief washing over him. He wants to keep this version of you here forever–the one that smiles at him like he’s something good.

“You didn’t have to do this,” you say, placing the vase on the island of your kitchen. You turn to face him, eyes softening. “But I’m really glad you did.”

“I’m glad, too,” he says, voice low. “I don’t think you realize just how much I want to make you happy, baby.”

He doesn’t miss the way your cheeks flush with color. You bite your lip, laughing with your chest and shaking your head. “You silly man,” you breathe through your laughter, “you already do. More than you know.”

He studies you, allowing a silence to fall over you. He isn’t sure if he deserves these words you spew, but he wants to. More than anything, he wants to be the person who notices the little things about you. The one who shows up, even when there’s nothing special about the day. The one who makes you feel like you’re the center of his world–because you are.

The moment ends when you break the silence, tilting your head. “Have you eaten?”

He blinks. “Not yet.”

“Well, lucky for you, I was just about to make breakfast,” you say, turning toward the fridge. “But if you’re eating, you’re helping.”

He steps closer to you, rolling up the sleeves of his sweater. “Deal. What’s on the menu today?”

“Pancakes,” you say, glancing at him briefly. “Think you can handle that?”

“I’ll have you know, I make a mean pancake,” he says, grabbing the eggs from the fridge with a flourish. “Prepare to be blown away.”

Then, you smile and laugh. It fills the room in a way that makes his chest tighten and feel as though it might burst from love. He doesn’t say it aloud then, but Luigi knows he would do this every morning if it meant that he would get to see you smile.

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xitsensunmoon · 17 hours ago

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Hiii it's me again!

I was wandering... Has the donor ever snapped and told the vampires to leave? I'm picturing their reactions as different depending on what time in their relationship it happens but...y/n yelling at them to just LEAVE (after an argument or just when they are fed up and miserable bc of their presence alone) and never come back and one or both of them (physically or with words?) threatening them with "do you think you are the one in control? Or that you have a choice and can order us around?". And the donor is just "do it. I don't care anymore" leaning to their claws??? This is my brairot talking btw so bare with me if it doesn't make sense, but would something like that happen? What would S&M reactions be? I'm very much curious 👁️👄👁️

When tugged at both sides, anyone would snap. You can't exactly afford them to leave, as much as you want them to, your headache would only get bigger. So the furthest you'll go is to order them to leave you alone or leave the house.

When you finally do, the first thing you see on their faces is mostly surprise, somehow neither of them expected your patience to thin this fast. And to your own surprise, they'd concede, maybe with some reluctance, but it would be awfully quiet in the house for the next week or so, to a point of being unnerving.

That's when you realise that maybe, just maybe, you should try to be bolder. To take your own space back, as much as you can.

You'd feel around, walking on eggshells, just to find out that in a lot of things your now housemates don't even mind you to take the lead. If anything, your newly gained liveliness and confidence almost made them seem less intimidating. The knife-like sharpness of their eyes and grins didn't change, but now you somewhat knew how to handle it.

But then you make the same mistake Sun and Moon did with you - push on the wrong button. And even with both vampires towering over you, throwing threats, something clicks.

Have they ever followed through with any of their implied threats? And more importantly -

Would you want to find out if they do?

OK lmao that did not answer your question in any way BUT to be fair it's very difficult to answer djjajd

At the very start you wouldn't be brave enough to, and your attempt to regain control by trying to demand they do as you say would be laughed at, oh what a silly little thing.

When you have known each other for a little while, they'd become just a teeny tiny bit more mindful of how they go about interacting with you, the stakes getting higher the closer you three get.

They are all bark no bite type of guys, despite having done plenty of demonstrating of what they're capable of, never directly hurting you. It does take a while for you to realise that.

But yeah if reader does end up calling them out on said fact as in your example, putting yourself in danger willingly, that's a clear case of you actually finally winning. Both Sun and Moon would be quite distressed by your actions, silently yanking their hand away from you. Moon would angrily grumble something, hurrying to leave the room, while Sun would stand there for a moment with a blank face, before firmly stating "I count on you never doing anything this stupid ever again, yes?" and hesitantly leaving as well.

I doubt they would ever snap back at you when you're distressed, unless they are too.

#ask xitsen #bhtf au ask #I'm staring at you so hard this is such a good question #this made me daydream lmao

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universalzones · 6 hours ago

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That man was related to Tangle? Well, Blaze supposed that's where Tangle get's her rather carefree and impulsiveness from, yet it seemed she was more balanced out than him. "You'll have to take Miles at his word seeing as I just met the man moments ago. He seems a bit to eager to step on toes, and perhaps should work on holding his opinion. Despite all that, I sensed he is a kind soul if only a bit, off." The feline felt it was a bit impolite saying that, though he certainly seemed more than a little rough around the edges.

"I think he's more than a bit off. I'm not completely sure what happened in the sewer when we all faced off with Mimic, though I heard he pulled him into some sort of space separate from us to face him head on. Not many in their right mind would fight someone they know is dangerous while also not knowing much about in a one on one fight." Kitsunami supposed Rowan might've been more focused on getting Mimic away from Tangle, though it was still a crazy play.

Belle would look off to the side hearing all the conversation going on and was feeling a bit uncomfortable. The tinkerer dislike hearing other's talk about someone behind their backs, even if she could understand the concerns. It was something her father just taught her was wrong. "Here, I'm all done," the puppet said handing the device back to Miles having finished changing everything she wanted to.

===========================================================

"Yeah, that's a great plan expect for the fact Jewel is most likely trapped UNDER the rubble. So wise guy, what's flying over it going to do if you can't get me under it?" Surge wasn't in the mood to argue with anyone, let alone someone that she basically told to take a hike. "Unless you can lift up all this rubble by yourself you ain't going to be of much help hurt like that." The tenrec doubts even if the bee was uninjured he couldn't do that.

"Yeah, though you wanna know the difference between you and me? I'm a cybernetic freak who has a rather stupid healing factor and can get back on my feet in a matter of minutes. Even if I don't recover that fast I can still punch someone through a completely solid wall and then be on top of them to punch their face into the ground." It was a blunt and maybe extreme way of putting it, though it's not like she was wrong.

Surge was pumped up with so many cybernetics and enhancements that trying to put her down wasn't going to be easy. Not to mention she wasn't even sure if she could actually kick the bucket anymore, though that was one thing she didn't intend to test. "So, get your ass to the infirmary or I'll drag you there by your antennae."

Vector was crazy worried about Charmy at this point. He knew how gun ho he could be, and he practically thought he was super bee because of his enhance strength. But he was still a kid in Vector's mind and he was super worried he was in trouble. He was glad Espio was going to look for him, and kind of wished he could to. But he felt like one of them should stay here at the command center in case he came back.

" I get it Princess... but my kid is out there and i'm worried bout' im' hard for me to stay calm. I know he's practically grown now but... he's just prone to gettin' himself in trouble...But i'll keep it together no worries... i get we got alot to worry bout besides family..."

Plus after the outbreak, Vector had been more protective since he nearly lost the kid then. He didn't want to lose him now. He was tense and it showed, but also revealed Vector's rather big heart, after all he took Charmy in after his hive shunned him.

Espio was annoyed by Rowan, and his insistence on working alone--- but then he'd be a hypocrite if he said a damn thing. He was no better. and frankly he couldn't sit around much longer either. But hearing Vector so agitated, he thought it was best to stay put sighing and letting Rowan go. He took his position near Vector as a form of comfort, but deep down, he didn't trust Rowan and wasn't sure what to think of him yet.

" Can we trust him? "

Espio asked glancing at Blaze with an unsure stare as Espio was naturally mistrustful. But Miles was quick to quell his worryies as he dug through the presidents social media accounts.

" He's related to Tangle i believe, i already checked his file he seems like a good guy. Just doesn't work well with authority... I think he'll be fine, we should focus on dealing with GUN... guess we have to wait and hope Jewel is ok... but if Charmy was with her i'm sure they are both fine... "

==============================================

Charmy buzzed his wings in annoyance at the Tenrec, he had a mission to! wasn't like he was that banged up! He was alot tougher then people gave him credit for. Alot stronger then people realized, after all he could easily haul Vector and Espio around at the same time when he was a kid! now it was childs play! Bee's were strong after all! it was like par for the course for insect mobians!

" yea... sounds cool and all--- or i can fly you over it and avoid the hassle? Look i can haul my 600lb dad around with ease i think i can handle you greenie "

He huffed and crossed his arms though ended up wincing as he touched his bad shoulder. It wasn't broken but was still messed up, and probably needed to be in a sling! But he was a tough kid, and not willing to just abandon his mission cause he took some lumps! Maybe he was being foolish but, he had alot to prove! He was really worried about Jewel!

" Besides! if you were busted up you'd keep going to... so don't give none of that! i can handle myself... you aren't my dads so i'm going along like it or not! "

#atangledfate #Blaze the Cat #burning sol guardian #Kitsunami the Fennec #nervous shaking water #Belle the Tinkerer #gentle puppet tinkerer #Surge the Tenrec #speed of lightning brawler #rp #ic #IDW Sonic

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junplusone · 13 hours ago

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i'll always say it's you ; yoon jeonghan

summary: you always used to think that even the end of the world couldn’t keep you and yoon jeonghan apart; you’d find your way back to each other somehow. ten years later, you start to wonder if that’s such a good thing after all.

contains: childhood best friends to ??? to ???, swearing, drinking (+ underage), talk of joshua and cheol's arm muscles, mention of drugs in a joke like once i think, caffeine addiction, peak delusion, jeonghan cheating in games as always, hella yearning

word count: 12.98k

a/n: this is lowkey a mess and probably kind of inaccurate loll but i hope u enjoy! feedback always appreciated xx

the me of today hopes for the you of tomorrow

“What about you, Y/N? Have you ever been in love?”

Hearing your own name slowly zones you back into the conversation at the table. You pause at the question, a drop of soju splashing out of the glass in your hand.

“What?”

“Come on, it’s just a silly question,” the young intern says, rolling his eyes. “You’re no fun, Y/N. We’re off work right now! It’s fine,” he drawls, swaying a little in his chair.

You can’t really remember his name right now, downing the glass in one go, but his bold innocence bothers you. Maybe his demeanor, full of life and promise, is what gets on your nerves.

Were you like that when you were fresh out of college, too? It’s so unthinkable to you now, at twenty-nine. It feels like ages in the past.

“So? Are you —”

“I hardly think this is an appropriate conversation,” you say quietly, zipping your bag shut. “I think I’m going to head out, anyways. It’s quite late already.”

“But —”

“Chan, just stop asking questions and drink this, okay?” His friends try and calm him down with a glass of water. Amidst the chatter, you decide to slip away, silently pushing in your chair and leaving the bustling restaurant.

Dinners like this always end up making you feel worse, anyways, like an outlier at a table of people with fervent hopes and dreams of their own.

You make it two blocks until your phone begins to buzz in your pocket, and you fumble to answer it, knowing there’s only one person who would call you at nine o’clock on a Friday night.

“Hello?”

“Oh, you answered,” Yeonju says, evidently surprised. “I thought you’d still be at work.”

“I’m on my way home now,” you tell her. “Why, did something happen?”

“Kind of,” you hear rustling on her end of the line. “Jeonghan called.”

“Huh?”

You had stopped abruptly at Yeonju’s words— foolishly in the middle of the road, and you rush to the sidewalk, still reeling. It’s been so long since you’ve even heard his name that it sends your mind into a tailspin when she says it again.

“I thought you knew,” she says, “He said he tried calling you first, but you wouldn’t pick up.”

“I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t have saved,” you remind her. You haven’t had Jeonghan’s number saved on your phone in a long time. There was no need to keep it if you never used it anymore.

“I think you should talk to him.”

“Yeonju,” you shake your head. “Why would I? There’s nothing to talk about.”

“There is, and you know it, too,” she doubles down. “You won’t say it, but I know you agree with me.”

She’s right, as much as you want to pretend otherwise. When has Choi Yeonju ever been wrong about you? Sometimes it scares you how good she is at reading your mind, but as always, she delivers reality checks right when she feels like you need them.

“Maybe,” you admit begrudgingly. “But things are just easier without him.”

“Yeah, well, nothing is ever easy,” she points out, “but take your own time, no rush. And take care of yourself, Y/N.”

“I will,” you say with a faint smile.

“OK, perfect. Call if you need anything else, yeah? I gotta go now.”

“Okay, Yeonju, take care.”

“Bye!”

She hangs up just as you unlock your front door, shutting it behind you and kicking off your shoes. The peace and quiet of your apartment welcomes you, and you sigh in relief as you sink into your couch.

Pulling out your phone again, you scroll through your call log. There are a few unsaved numbers, likely just spam calls, but when you see the same number four times in a row, there’s no doubt about who it might have been. Your finger hovers over the screen; should you? Shouldn’t you?

No, it’s easier to just stay angry. It’s easier to pretend his name means nothing to you anymore.

But even as you toss your phone to the side, Chan’s question still haunts you, like it’s a reminder that maybe you need to retrace your steps and do something different this time.

God, you had finally been able to go a few days without thinking about him, but today just took you right back to square one.

“Have you ever been in love?”

When you close your eyes, all you see is him.

first time feeling my heart race, never thought it'd beat so fast

TEN YEARS AGO

“Yoon Jeonghan, delete that right now or I’m going to kill you.”

Jeonghan shakes his head vehemently, still cackling at the picture of you on his phone. This is nothing new to you; over the years you’ve gotten used to him finding the absolute worst angles of you whenever you fall asleep in class, or on the bus, and it never fails to get you fuming.

In fact, if Jeonghan has one talent, it’s probably pissing you off.

“Not my fault you dozed off like that during lecture! Even Yeonju would have bullied you if she was there,” he teases. “I’ve been collecting bad Y/N photos since we were sixteen and in high school, why would I stop now?”

“You’re evil.”

“Thanks, I know.”

“Dinner’s on you, by the way.”

“What?!”

“Do you want to keep that horrendous picture or not?”

“Okay, fine,” he concedes immediately, slipping his phone into his pocket. “But we’re going back to my dorm first because I left my wallet on my desk.”

"Why would you not have that with you? Dumbass," you scold.

To anyone else, you might sound angry, but somewhere in the unspoken words, you and Jeonghan have already reconciled.

The weather is chilly and perfectly November-esque, and if not for the thick scarf around your neck you’d be shivering by now. Having Jeonghan by your side adds to the warmth spreading throughout your body, a little piece of happiness found in his company.

You’ve never needed to explain yourself to him. Somehow, whatever you’re feeling, whatever’s going on, he just knows, and it’s perfect. You couldn’t ask for anything more.

Not much to your surprise, Jeonghan’s roommate is there when the two of you walk in, blankets piled over him as he hunches over his laptop.

“Hey, Josh,” you greet him. “Everything okay?”

“No,” he frowns, rubbing his eyes, “I may have procrastinated a little too hard on this paper and now it’s due in a couple of hours and I’m totally fucked.”

“This is why I told you to drop that philosophy class at the beginning of the semester,” Jeonghan says, pocketing his wallet. “You don’t even need to take it.”

“Just trying to knock off my humanities electives, but honestly, this one kind of backfired on me,” Joshua admits, defeated. “Where are you guys headed?”

Jeonghan points at you accusingly. “This one tricked me into buying her dinner earlier.”

“I did not!” you gasp. “You walked into that one, stop blaming me for the consequences of your actions! Also, I want ramen, which means we’re going off campus, so you’re driving.”

He narrows his eyes at you as he reaches for his car keys. “You are so evil.”

"Takes one to know one, Hannie."

What throws you off is the way Joshua’s eyes flit between the both of you as you bicker, the way he tells you to have fun in that singsong voice of his as you step back out into the cold, like he knows something you don’t.

You still remember the day you first met him, when Jeonghan left to go grab something after introducing the two of you, and the question that immediately followed.

“Are you guys together or something?”

And of course, Joshua meant no harm — nobody ever does, when they ask something like that. You and Jeonghan have been fielding questions like that since the start of your friendship. Everyone’s wanted to know exactly what it is that you are to each other, and the answer has always come without missing a beat.

Friends, you’ve always said.

Friends in the way that you can’t go anywhere alone in your hometown without being asked where the other one is, the way that your parents always set out an extra plate and ask if he’s joining for dinner as usual.

The right word for it would be ‘inseparable’. Sometimes, though, you wonder if that’s all that it is.

Like now, as you notice the cold has Jeonghan trembling next to you. His teeth are chattering, long lashes framing his eyes that are now narrowed in displeasure.

When you unravel your scarf from around your neck and reach to drape it around his, they go wide in surprise.

“What are you doing?”

“You never wear enough layers, idiot.” You tuck the ends into his jacket and the way he’s staring at you steals the breath out of your lungs.

You can’t run from the fact; your best friend is undeniably attractive. It’s a simple truth, down to his soft but sharp features, the slope of his cheeks, and the hair that frames his face so perfectly. It’s dark out, but Jeonghan’s eyes are lit up like stars. You don’t even realize it until you start to hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears.

“Thanks,” he says with a faint smile. “What would I do without you?”

“Freeze, probably,” you reply flippantly, but you look away, unable to take the intensity of his gaze on you.

Just think about the way he looks at you, Y/N.

Was Yeonju right? You have no way of knowing, and you don’t want to tip the scales by bringing any of it up now.

“Alright, let’s go,” you say instead, tugging him along to the parking lot. “It’s late, I’m hungry, and you promised.”

“Why do you always seem so excited to drain my bank account?”

“It’s my favorite hobby,” you quip. “Shall we go?”

“We shall, m’lady,” he says as you get to his car, pulling open the door for you with a wink. Your cheeks burn as you get in, his defined features etched into your brain.

Yes, he’s your dearest, oldest friend, but Yoon Jeonghan has a certain way of making your head spin that throws that very title into question.

when half of me is gone, how can i live as one?

PRESENT DAY

It’s been exactly three days since Jeonghan called you, and you haven’t heard from him since then. You don’t know what you were expecting. Another call? A text?

No, it would be quite stupid to hope for such things after everything that’s happened.

It’s a quiet Monday night, and your brain decides to take an involuntary trip down memory lane. Ten years ago today, you’d probably be doing homework frantically, most definitely an assignment you’d put off until the night of. Ten years ago today, Jeonghan would be by your side.

Oh, how some things change over time.

After another hour of mindless TV and doing whatnot on your phone, your conscience finally wins the moral battle against your pride, and you scroll down through your call log again. Taking a deep breath, you decide to call him back before your brain can convince you otherwise.

All the words evaporate out of your mouth when he picks up on the first ring.

“Y/N?”

God, it’s been so long since you’ve heard his voice. Just the sound of your name from him is enough to make you tear up.

“... Jeonghan?”

Silence. After a few seconds your heart sinks, thinking maybe he’s hung up on you and gone radio silent yet again.

Then you hear it, just barely whispered into the phone: “I’ve missed you.”

Those words tug at your heart so badly you press your eyes closed to prevent your tears from welling up. “Jeonghan, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry, I—”

“I haven’t heard from you in over a year,” you cut him off. “A year, Jeonghan. Do you really think you can just ‘I miss you’ your way back into my life whenever you want?”

“Don’t say that,” he implores. “You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah, right.”

“It’s true. I mean it.”

“I’ve heard the exact same line from you so many times,” you tell him, the rest of your words dying in your throat.

You have many more things to say to him, so many unspoken feelings, but now doesn’t feel like the time. Instead, you swallow your anger like you’ve done every time he finds his way back into your life.

“How… how have you been?”

“I’m okay. I wrote a new song,” he says lightly. “Shows have been pretty alright, things are looking up… just the usual.”

“Oh, I see.”

“What about you?”

“I’m okay, too.” A blatant lie. “Jeonghan… why’d you call me on Friday?”

“Oh,” he starts, like he’s surprised you even asked. “Um, I’m actually in town for a bit, so… I was just wondering if you wanted to meet and catch up again. Y’know, like old times.”

It’s the flippant edge in his voice that stings more than anything else, as if he doesn’t care that your friendship hasn’t been the same for years. Do you mean that little to him now?

But, like always, you have a hard time saying no to Yoon Jeonghan.

“Okay,” you agree. “Just tell me where, I guess. And when.”

“Okay.”

It’s not for a few seconds that you realize your cheeks are wet. Jeonghan feels so far away now, the distance hurts like a piercing pain and you have to slap a hand over your mouth so he doesn’t hear you sob against your couch, the stoic wall you put up crumbling away with every passing moment.

“Y/N,” his voice is shaky now. “Y/N, please don’t cry.”

Feeling caught and cornered, your brain enters fight or flight mode, and promptly chooses the latter. “I’m not,” you blurt out, and immediately end the call, tossing your phone across the room so you aren’t tempted to call him again.

If time traveling was an option, you’d go back to a decade in the past without a question. For some reason it hurts more that after all this time, Yoon Jeonghan is still the one that knows you the best.

You wake up the next morning horribly late for work, with a blinding headache and a notification from Jeonghan on your phone.

xxx-xxx-xxxx: is tonight @ semicolon cafe ok with you? after you get off work?

xxx-xxx-xxxx: i won’t take up too much of ur time, i promise

xxx-xxx-xxxx: i’m so sorry y/n

you: its ok. that works, see u then

It’s well past nine o’clock when you finally enter the office. You almost make it to your desk unnoticed until your boss glances at you sneaking in.

“You’re very late,” Seungcheol observes, leaning back in his chair. His gaze is always stern, and today it makes you even more anxious than usual.

“I’m so sorry,” you apologize. “Things just… everything kind of worked against me today. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“I believe you,” he says, casting another concerned look at you as you nearly drop your laptop going to your desk. “Is everything okay, Y/N? This really isn’t like you.”

“Yeah,” you lie through a tight smile. Damn Yoon Jeonghan and his stupid face for ruining your whole day. “Everything’s fine.”

Looking back, it’s quite impressive how you manage to keep your composure throughout your whole workday. You know you’ve accomplished a feat when even Junhui doesn’t really notice anything’s wrong.

Despite how oblivious he comes across at first, your colleague is easily one of the most perceptive people you’ve ever met, as you’ve learned in the past five years you’ve spent at this company.

“Long day?” Junhui swivels around in his chair as he catches you taking a break from your screen.

“Yeah,” you admit, glancing at the clock. Almost five. “Even longer when we get asked to fix all of the intern’s mistakes. How do you just forget to write a whole method?!”

“God, I hope Lee Chan never gets hired as a backend developer. Love the kid, but I’m not sure how he got through college with his code looking like this.”

“Hard agree.”

“Hey, do you have plans after? Me and the rest of the team are probably gonna get dinner together. None of the interns,” he clarifies with a grin. “We need some peace and quiet. I think Wonwoo’s genuinely at his final straw, he’s been downstairs with them all day.”

As tempting as that sounds — Junhui has a knack for finding the best spots in Seoul — you have something more important on your plate for the day.

“Maybe next time,” you decline. “I have to meet someone after work.”

“Oh?” A sly grin spreads across his face. “Someone special?”

“It’s not a date,” you insist, face heating up.

“I never asked if it was, Y/N, you’re just outing yourself at this point.”

“It’s not!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he teases, turning back around. “Keep me posted!”

You roll your eyes.

The end of the day couldn’t have come any slower. Usually, you’d get so engrossed in whatever you were working on that you’d end up staying late, but today you shock everyone by packing up when the clock hits five, bidding Junhui a good night as you almost run to leave the building.

(“Someone’s in a rush,” he remarks when you turn your computer off. “Don’t be late on a first date, it’s not very polite!”

“Fuck off,” you respond, when Seungcheol is safely out of earshot.)

The walk home almost freezes your fingertips, and you have to shove your hands deep into your pockets to keep them from going numb. You make a note to dress accordingly for the biting cold later.

At least the weather matches your mood today.

The idea of a hot shower turns out to be a little too inviting, though, because when you finally step out, hair wrapped in a towel, it’s 6:28, and you have a text from Jeonghan waiting to be opened.

xxx-xxx-xxxx: i’m here, i snagged a table in the back

“Fuck,” you curse under your breath, pulling on an old sweater and some jeans. You don’t have time to fully dry your hair, so you just run your round brush through it a couple of times, hope for the best, and throw it into a claw clip, praying it stays up.

You’re officially twenty minutes late when you finally get to the cafe — it’s not too far from your apartment, thankfully, but you still had to book it — and you approach Jeonghan slightly panting and out of breath.

(If Junhui was right and this was actually a date, you would be royally screwed.)

“Here, sit,” he pulls out your chair, a little alarmed by your flushed face. “Were you running?”

“Yeah. Sorry I’m late,” you answer, and then you look up at him and the air is knocked out of your lungs as if you weren’t already winded from getting there. He’s even more beautiful than the last time you saw him. “Wow, you…”

“I?”

You’re not even sure what the rest of that sentence was going to be, the words slipping out before you could even think about them. Snap out of it.

“Nothing,” you say quietly.

“How have you been?”

“You already asked me that.”

“I want to know more.” He’s looking at you like he’s trying to memorize your features; it’s hard to ignore.

“I don’t have anything interesting going on,” you deflect. “Tell me about what’s going on with you. You said you wrote a new song?”

Jeonghan’s face lights up when you say it. “I did. I spent around nine months rewriting and perfecting it. It’s kind of like my child, in a way.”

“Yoon Jeonghan, a father. I never thought I’d see the day.”

He laughs, and it feels like a part of your old selves is back. “Want to listen?”

You nod, and he passes you an AirPod and his phone. “Imperfect Love,” you read out loud. “That’s deep.”

“It came from a pretty raw place,” he confesses. “Something that’s kind of been on my mind for a while.”

“Something or someone?”

Jeonghan’s face reflects something akin to panic. “What are you talking about?”

“This seems like a song about unrequited love,” you deadpan. “Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

“Well, it’s not,” he huffs. “Don’t assume things.”

“This is the kind of update I was waiting for. You didn’t tell me you’d found someone!”

“I didn’t!” he insists, concealing a smile. “Will you just stop asking questions and listen already?”

“Alright, Mr. Unlucky in Love,” you tease, securing the AirPod in your ear and pressing play.

The instrumentals are beautiful, and Jeonghan’s angelic voice fills your ears a few seconds later. You haven’t heard him sing in a long time, and you’d forgotten just how ethereal he sounds when he’s pouring his heart into the mic.

The sunlight that happily illuminates this dark world

Becomes a star when night comes

Come down to me

There are many, many things shining in this world

But among them, you’re the only one that’s precious to me

Jeonghan is watching you nervously, like he’s anxious for what you will say. You make the mistake of catching his eyes, because immediately you falter — they are gorgeous, he is gorgeous, and it feels like you lose time with every second you spend admiring him.

Even if I can’t be the perfect weather for you

Will you still love me like this?

It feels like a silent plea — you wonder what kinds of things have happened to him in the past year that you missed, all the things you don’t know about.

Together we become old and worn out

Even if you come to me, who’s useless

At the end of a shining day

I’m happy that it’s you every day

The song comes to an end, and you hand Jeonghan’s phone back to him. His eyebrows raise, like a question.

“Did you like it?”

“It’s beautiful,” you tell him honestly. “I love it.”

A smile breaks out on his face. “That’s good to hear.”

“I’m still convinced you have a secret crush that you’re not telling me about.”

“Oh, not with that again,” he grumbles, waving off your curious questions.

What you don’t tell him is that you’ve missed hearing him sing and watching him perform, that the look in his eyes when he’s doing what he loves most is something you adore. There are a lot of things like that you want to say to him, and as good as the both of you are at acting like nothing’s wrong, the situation feels awfully different this time.

“Hey.” Jeonghan has a glint in his eye, the one he usually has when he’s up to something. “Do you wanna leave and go get tteokbokki and fried dumplings at the night market stands instead?”

Your favorites, from when you were a broke college student and couldn’t afford anything nicer. How did he still remember that?

“Yeah,” you say, already grabbing your things and standing. “Let’s go.”

You had forgotten that it was cold as fuck outside.

You had also forgotten that the food stalls were in the opposite direction of your house, so now you’re stuck walking twice the distance in the freezing weather.

“Are you warm enough?” Jeonghan asks, a bit worried. Stop looking out for me, you want to scream at him. Stop caring. Stop making such a fool out of me.

“I am, but I know you’re not,” you scold instead. “I’ve been telling you for years to dress for the weather.”

“Eh, what’s a little bit of cold?” he jokes, but you catch him shivering violently out of the corner of your eye, and you can’t just watch as he suffers.

“Here.” You pull your scarf off of your neck and hold it out to him. “Wear it.”

“Are you su—”

“Wear it before I take it back.”

You wait until Jeonghan’s listened to you, the warm fabric wrapped around his neck. A part of you thinks you’ll always feel the urge to look after him.

Stop it.

“You still haven’t told me about yourself,” Jeonghan starts hesitantly. “I know I’ve probably missed a lot of things in the past few years.”

“Eight years,” you correct him. “We graduated and then you disappeared.”

“I didn’t disappear, things just got really hectic,” he tries to explain. “Like, all of a sudden everything was on my shoulders, and I had to spend all my time working towards what I wanted. That or it was all just gonna go to waste.”

“Right,” you leave it at that, not wanting to start an argument on the road. This always happens — you’ll run into Jeonghan somehow, you’ll somewhat reconcile, fight, make up, and then it’s radio silence from him again. A year after you graduated college, you stopped looking for news articles on him entirely, actively avoiding any headlines with his name in them. It hurt a little too much to bear. “Well, what do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

You suck in a breath at the quick response.

“Yeonju’s doing well,” you start, even though he probably knows that already. “She has a cat now, actually. She adopted him a couple of months ago.”

“Really? What’s his name?”

“Mandu, because she says he’s round and fat like a dumpling.”

Jeonghan snorts. “That’s like when Josh told us his dog’s name was Bingsu.”

“Oh, I remember that,” you say, faintly reminded of his college roommate. “Um, there’s not much else, honestly. Junhui is still a major pain in my ass, that definitely hasn’t changed.”

“Your work friend, right? I thought you two got along pretty well?”

“Yeah, we do,” you admit. You don’t need to explain any further, because Jeonghan knows that your sarcastic remarks are reserved for those you cherish the most.

“It’s been a really long time since you introduced us,” he muses. “But I still remember him pretty clearly.”

He remembers you, too, you think to yourself, recounting all the times you’ve ranted to Junhui about all the times Jeonghan got on your very last nerve. Just not as fondly.

“Oh! Wonwoo actually joined the same company two years ago. I think I told you this already,” Jeonghan confirms with a nod, “But it’s really nice getting to see him again, I missed when we used to hang out in college.”

“Aw, that must be really nice.”

“And the three of us still work for Seungcheol,” you conclude.

“I remember him, too. The one with the huge ass biceps,” Jeonghan says, a bit miffed. “I don’t think he liked me very much.”

“He doesn’t like randoms coming in during work hours, which is what you did, Han.”

“Oh. Right.”

Despite his short response, you know Jeonghan is smiling to himself right now, and you kick yourself mentally for letting the decades-old nickname slip. The two of you may be on a truce right now, but that doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven him.

A few minutes later, the lanterns and lights of the night market come into view. A little piece of childhood memory burrows its way into your heart. The vendors and stalls may have changed, but you used to love visiting this street with Jeonghan when you were still students.

“I really feel so old right now,” Jeonghan remarks as he follows you through the narrow walkways. “I feel like the last time I’ve been here was when we were eighteen.”

“It probably was,” you say. “Oh! Tteokbokki!”

You don’t even realize the way you’re holding on to the sleeve of Jeonghan’s sweater as you pull him along with you in excitement. He doesn’t say anything, just chuckles to himself as he walks behind you.

“Two cups, please,” you request the vendor when you finally get to the cart, and reach for your wallet. Jeonghan stops you before you can get to your pocket.

“No way,” he says firmly. “This one’s on me.”

“Jeonghan.”

“That voice isn’t working on me this time.” He hands the vendor a couple of bills with a friendly smile. “Just let me buy dinner tonight.”

You cross your arms. “No.”

“Why not? You had no problem doing it back in college.”

“Don’t bring that up now,” you say sharply, stung by the familiar memory. Jeonghan senses the shift in your attitude and drops the subject immediately.

“Wait here,” he tells you. “I’ll be back in a second.”

What are you supposed to do with yourself? Oh, you’re a mess, you realize, the way your feelings haven’t been in check for the entire evening. You were supposed to be so calm and collected, and now you’re anything but.

“Here you go,” the vendor hands you two steaming cups of the spicy rice cakes. “One for you, one for your friend.”

“Thank you.”

The man nods towards Jeonghan, making his way back through the sea of people. “Never let go of someone who cherishes you that much,” he says offhandedly, stirring the tteok in the pot.

You just blink, confused. “What?”

Before the vendor can answer, Jeonghan’s already caught up to you again. “There was nobody in line for fried dumplings,” he tells you excitedly. “Here, have some.”

“Thanks,” you say as you exchange with him for the tteokbokki, ignoring the awkward encounter you’ve just had. “We should probably get out of the way and find somewhere to sit down.”

“Yeah, we should.”

There are a few benches at the corner of the street, and you pick the empty one under one of the streetlamps, a hazy yellow glow cast over it. Sitting down, you bite into the first dumpling, the flavor flooding into your mouth.

“Jeonghan.”

“Yes?”

“Is this shrimp?”

“Yes?” He looks adorably confused in the dim light. “You prefer seafood over pork, right?”

Your heart feels like it’s beating at double the pace. “I do,” you reassure him. “It’s really good. Thank you.”

“Try the tteokbokki, too, it’s just the right level of spicy.”

“I will.”

Just being there and enjoying the food in silence reminds you of how easy it is to just be around Jeonghan. There’s no pressure to break the quiet; it’s comforting and peaceful.

You watch him savor the tteokbokki sauce and smile to yourself when he winces slightly. He’s always had less of a spice tolerance than you.

“Jeonghan?”

“Hm?”

“Are you going to vanish on me again when you leave Seoul?”

The question stops him in his tracks. He doesn’t seem to have the words to answer, and the lack of a response makes your heart sink.

“Why are you thinking about that right now?” he says instead, chiding you gently. “Did you finish eating?”

The way you’re looking at him now, your eyes are imploring him. Please don’t make me empty promises again.

“It’s rude to answer a question with another question.”

Jeonghan rakes a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. “I’ve never vanished, Y/N, it’s just hard for me to leave my work that often,” he insists, “and besides, you’ve got Junhui and Yeonju and Wonwoo to entertain you in the meantime —”

“None of them are you!” Several people passing by glance over at you, but you can’t help that your voice is rising when you feel the anger bubbling up. “You’re my best friend, Jeonghan, do you have any idea how hard it’s been doing life without you?”

“Y/N, we’re past our youth,” he tries reasoning with you. “We don’t have to be attached at the hip all the time.”

Every word he says is like a knife to your chest. “You shouldn’t have asked to meet up today, then.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Jeonghan shuts his eyes, trying to think of the right words. “I just can’t be there for you all the time in the way that you want anymore. You’re stable, you have a solid job, but my livelihood depends on my music and whether people like me or not. That’s the harsh truth of it. And I’m not getting any younger, either.”

“I’m not asking you to be there for me all the time,” you snap. “All I ever wanted was the occasional message. A few updates. Whether you’re doing okay, how your life is going, things like that. Don’t give me bullshit excuses. I know you have thirty seconds to text me back letting me know that you’re alive.”

And stop playing with my heart, you want to add. Whether you’re aware of it or not.

“Fuck,” Jeonghan swears under his breath. “Y/N, let’s calm down and talk about this inside —”

“Don’t you dare tell me to calm down, Yoon Jeonghan.” Your fists are clenched right now. Jeonghan knows this about you; you don’t get angry quite often, but when you do, you are a force to be reckoned with. “It’s always a goddamn cycle with you. You show up, make all these promises, and then abandon me again. What am I supposed to do with that?”

You’re on the verge of tears, but you can’t cry in front of him. Anywhere but here.

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” he pleads with you. “I don’t know what more to say other than I’ve been trying my best, I really have been.”

You’re not having any of it. “Yeah, right,” you scoff, averting your eyes so you have time to blink the tears away.

“I mean it. I want to be there for you, but…” he trails off, voice shaky. “It’s just been so difficult.”

“Save it, Jeonghan.” You don’t think you can be here for a minute longer without totally breaking down. “I should really get going now.”

“Y/N, wait —”

“If you took the subway, there’s a station down that street if you keep walking for a few minutes.”

“Wait,” Jeonghan insists, standing. “Let me at least walk you home.”

“No need,” you retort, turning around and setting off towards your apartment. It’s even colder now that it’s completely dark out, and you start to regret your choice of coat as your teeth chatter quietly. All you can do is thug it out for the remaining three blocks to your apartment building.

The wind stings your eyes and you tear up anyway, despite your attempts to keep it down for now. Why did you think today was going to go any better than every other time this has happened?

Stupid. Your fault for thinking anything would have changed in eight years.

It’s not until you approach the entrance to your building that you hear the quiet shuffling of footsteps. You whirl around, ready to fight, but you stop short when you see Jeonghan standing several feet behind you.

“Just to make sure you got back okay,” he says quietly, walking over to you. You accept gingerly when he places your scarf back in your hands. “It’s late.”

You don’t even know how to feel; you’re too high-strung with too many lines of thought in your brain at the same time. “Thank you.”

“One more thing.” Jeonghan hands you a small plastic bag. You peer inside.

“What is this?”

“Tiramisu,” he says, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly.

“Oh,” you’re confused. “Why?”

It should make you even more furious that he has the audacity to give you a soft smile, but for some reason it doesn’t.

“Happy birthday, Y/N.”

The realization hits you belatedly — how did you manage to forget? — that you were so swamped with work commitments, it had totally slipped your mind today. (So that was why your phone had been constantly buzzing with notifications from Yeonju before you’d put it on silent.)

Jeonghan’s gesture, though, comes as a complete surprise, and it starts to dissipate the irritation from earlier.

“You remembered.”

“Of course,” he says simply, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “I never forgot.”

just friends, that's not enough for me

EIGHT YEARS AGO

Normally, you are not someone who is criminally inclined.

However, it’s currently five in the morning on a day where you don’t have class until noon, so whoever is calling you at this time is most definitely going to end up six feet under.

You answer without checking who it is first, eyes still closed. “Hello?”

“Happy birthday!”

“Huh?” You lift your head just to be sure you heard correctly. “Yoon Jeonghan, it’s five a.m!”

“I know!”

“Why are you awake?”

“To tell you happy birthday?”

“Thank you, but cut the crap,” you tell him.

“I pulled an all-nighter to finish a project,” he admits. “Worth it, though. I’m the first person who told you, right?”

“You keep forgetting I live with Yeonju,” you point out, glancing over at your sleeping roommate.

“Damn it, Choi Yeonju!”

You grimace at his loud exclamation. “Jeonghan?”

“Yeah?”

“Do me a favor and let me go back to sleep.”

“Okay, but I’m waking you up at ten so you don’t skip your linear algebra class.”

“That class is at noon!”

“Yeah, and you take centuries to get ready, dumbass.”

When ten o’clock does roll around, you’re wide awake already. Yeonju is still fast asleep, so you try to get ready for class as quietly as possible.

jeonghan: i’m outside ur building

jeonghan: hurry up i’m hungry

you: ??? when u said u were gonna wake me up i thought u meant u would call

jeonghan: uhh surprise?

“Are you serious,” you mutter under your breath, haphazardly throwing an outfit on and rushing downstairs. Quickly, you press your key card against the reader and push the door open to the sight of Jeonghan leaning against the side wall.

“How long were you waiting?”

“Long enough. God, you really take forever, but I guess you get a pass because it’s your birthday,” he says begrudgingly, gesturing for you to walk with him.

The weather is quite bleak, but the slight smile on Jeonghan’s face is enough to chase the dreary atmosphere away, like your very own sun.

“Did you sleep at all?” you question, noticing the dark circles under his eyes.

“I tried, but by the time I finished the project it was already seven and Joshua was up, so I just didn’t bother. That guy’s a freak, I’m telling you. I don’t know anybody else who wakes up that early just to go to the gym.”

“Well, you don’t go at all. Maybe that’s why he has those nice muscles and you don’t.”

Jeonghan’s mouth drops open in surprise. “Are you kidding? Is this why you keep coming over? To ogle Joshua Hong’s arms?”

“Yeah, cause Joshua Hong is my best friend,” you deadpan. “Is it such a crime to just appreciate a nice set of muscles?”

“Okay, okay, stop talking about Josh when you’re with me and get in the car,” he urges, fishing out his keys. “Or we’ll be late and you won’t make it to that class.”

“I don’t even go half the time,” you point out. “And you still haven’t told me where we’re going.”

“What I can do is promise you will be happy and fed by approximately half past eleven.” Jeonghan starts the car, adjusting his mirrors. “Is that good enough for you?”

“Deal.”

It strikes you then, beneath the dim sunshine, how good he looks when he’s driving. His eyebrows are furrowed as he focuses on the road, humming along to the song playing through Bluetooth. For all the jokes you throw at him for never being seen at the gym, his arms are quite toned, subtly flexed as he makes a turn with one hand on the wheel.

God, you are so done for.

A few minutes later, Jeonghan pulls into a relatively empty lot. The building is quite unassuming, but you recognize this cafe as the one you frequent during exam season for your coffee fix.

“I love this place!” you exclaim, beaming at him. “How did you know?”

“‘Cause you never shut up about it,” he quips back, grinning.. “Stay here, I’ll just be a minute.”

You hum quietly to yourself as you wait for him to come back, content where you are. There couldn’t have been a better start to your day, aside from Jeonghan’s early morning call, and you think you’d be happy to spend the day just like this, peacefully with him and your closest friends.

In truth, you aren’t really sure how to navigate things with Jeonghan at the moment. Your relationship has always been labeled as strictly platonic, but lately there have been things that make you want to think otherwise. A few stolen glances, the way he looks out for you a little extra… you think you’re going insane.

That, and the way your heart has been reacting when you make eye contact with him lately has been a bit unsettling.

(“Don’t be so delusional,” Yeonju had told you a week ago. “You have a lot to lose here if anything happens. Plus, it’s Yoon Jeonghan, everyone thinks he’s flirting with them.”

“Yeah,” you’d replied flatly. “You’re right.”)

But maybe you’re allowed to be a little selfish. Maybe those sunlit smiles and most vulnerable moments are memories reserved just for you.

The car door opens again, and Jeonghan pokes his head in, handing you a plastic bag as he gets in.

“Sustenance,” is all he says. “Eat before you go to class or I’ll have to deal with your hangry whining after.”

His words sound annoyed, but his tone is soft with you, like it usually is. You flash him a grateful smile before pulling the boxes out.

“What’s this?”

“Avocado toast, but yours has egg on it.” He wrinkles his nose with displeasure at the combination. “Plus a little sweet treat for your caffeine addiction.”

“This is beautiful,” you hold up the tiramisu box. “The caffeine is speaking to me, Hannie. We are one and the same.”

“One would think you’re on drugs.”

“One would think living with a chemistry major would teach you that caffeine is a drug,” you tease, sinking your teeth into the golden toast. You hadn’t realized just how hungry you were until now — maybe you shouldn’t have skipped dinner last night. “Wow, this is good.”

“It is,” Jeonghan agrees, “but I’ll stick with no eggs for now.”

“You’re just ignorant and have bad taste.”

“Again, free pass only because it’s your birthday.” Jeonghan waits for you to swallow, then asks, “So, does twenty-one feel any different?”

“Nope,” you say decidedly. “Why would it? The only thing that’s changed is that drinking is legal now.”

“Oh, and you can gamble.”

“Right, but I don’t have enough savings to do that.”

Jeonghan laughs to himself at a stray memory. “Remember when I turned twenty-one? I’ve never had a night more disastrous than that one.”

“I do remember! Anyone would assume you were a raging alcoholic,” you snicker. “Even Soonyoung felt the need to sober up and help me get you back to your place. Do you know how impossible that is for him?”

Jeonghan looks like he’s questioning his whole life. “Yeah, that is pretty bad,” he admits. “Good thing it hasn’t happened since and I’m a responsible alcohol enjoyer now.”

“You drank a whole bottle of soju before your exam last week because you ‘needed to pregame’ or you’d fail it.”

“... Right.”

The two of you eat in silence, careful not to drop crumbs in his car, enjoying the midday quiet with each other’s company and nothing else. It’s moments like these with him that you cherish the most.

Yeonju’s Don’t be so delusional echoes in your head, like a silent rebuke.

“Hey, we should start heading back,” Jeonghan says, glancing at the time. “Let this be the day that Y/N graces the lecture hall with her presence.”

You groan, not wanting to spend another hour and a half trying not to doze off listening to who is possibly the most boring professor at your entire university. Jeonghan pats your back empathetically.

“It’s okay,” he consoles you, “Just think about how you’ll feel later when it’s all over and done with.”

“I’ll feel like it was a huge waste of time and I could have just asked Wonwoo to catch me up,” you grumble.

Jeonghan’s smile falters a little bit at the mention of your classmate, one of Soonyoung’s friends and therefore a part of the friend group. You still can’t figure out why Jeonghan isn’t too fond of him, but you just assume they haven’t had the opportunity to connect as much and brush it off.

“He got me through data structures last semester,” you offer, trying to defend your point. “Or I’d probably have failed.”

“Right, I remember,” Jeonghan says absentmindedly. You don’t say anything more until you’re back on campus again, picking up on his sensitive mood. When you start making your way to your lecture hall, he follows you, and you let him.

“I’ll walk you to class, I have to print something out at the student center, anyways,” he explains, bag on one shoulder. “Also, you left this in the car. Eat it after class, or whenever.”

You take the plastic bag he hands you, the faint scent of coffee filling your nose. “Thanks.”

Jeonghan fills your ears with silly stories about his friends over the short walk and you listen carefully, always happy to hear about the boys. It’s been a while since you’ve seen them anyways; you’ve been swamped with work, and time that all of you have free together is quite rare.

“I should go in now,” you tell him when you reach the hall. You wish you didn’t have to be here, but you might as well, and Jeonghan can easily read the annoyance written on your face. He pats your shoulder gently.

“It’s okay,” he consoles you. “Come over later so we can all eat cake and listen to you rant about your god-awful professor.”

“Okay.”

“And so you can get an eyeful of Joshua’s arms, you freaking pervert.”

You gasp. “Am not!” you screech, punching his arm.

“Ow!”

“Take it back!”

“Not afraid to speak my truth,” Jeonghan says instead, feigning injury. “This is literally abuse.”

You roll your eyes. “Get out.”

“Go in.”

“Fine,” you huff, pulling open the double doors, but you look back over your shoulder before you let them close behind you. “See you later?”

Jeonghan nods, a twinkle in his eye.

(You won’t know it now, but this is the look on his face that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.)

“See you later.”

Choi Yeonju is, you discover, the lightweight of all lightweights.

That title had belonged to Soonyoung up until now, but tonight even he’s watching her in disbelief from where he’s perched on Joshua and Jeonghan’s couch.

“I only gave her a shot,” he promises you, eyes big and pleading. “I swear on my life.”

“I know,” you sigh, grabbing her sleeve and pulling her away from the wall she’s about to faceplant into. “It’s okay, I’ve got an eye on her.”

“Sorry,” Soonyoung offers sheepishly. “I know you were planning on getting wasted tonight.”

You were not, in fact, planning on that at all. “Who told you that?”

“Jeonghan?”

“That evil bastard.”

The evil bastard in question is currently deeply immersed in a card game with a couple of others at the small kitchen table. The subtle flush on his face tells you he’s a couple of drinks in, and if you squint enough, you can see the silhouette of cards hidden in the sleeve of his jacket. Typical.

“Y/N!” Yeonju taps your shoulder urgently. “I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

She grins. “I wanna go to the bathroom.”

“Alright, come on. You gotta stand up,” you inform her gently when she doesn’t budge from her spot on the sofa.

“Comfy,” is all she says, mumbling into the furniture.

“Do you still need to go to the bathroom?”

“No.”

Soonyoung just looks at you in total confusion and shrugs.

“Nothing to do about it until she asks again,” he says before sinking into the couch beside her. He still looks relatively sober — sober enough to handle the situation if Yeonju decides to walk into a wall again — so you tell him you’ll be right back and decide to check in on the game going on.

You walk in on a crime scene.

“You!” Seungkwan throws an accusing finger at Jeonghan, who you can tell is playing innocent through his surprised expression. “You rigged the game!”

“I didn’t do anything! I won fair and square!”

“Count the cards,” Seungkwan tells Wonwoo vengefully. “There won’t be fifty-two, I’m telling you!”

Jeonghan stands suddenly, laying his hand on the table. Everyone else is too busy yelling amongst themselves, and Wonwoo seems to be content with watching them argue, but you catch the way Jeonghan slips the cards in his sleeve into the pile unassumingly.

“Excuse me, boys,” he says smugly, “but I’m going to go on a little victory walk. Don’t mind me, enjoy!”

Seungkwan grumbles, but lets him go in favor of helping Seokmin back into the chair he’s just fallen off of. In the meantime, Jeonghan sidles up to you, faintly smelling of tequila.

“You seem very sober,” he observes.

“I am,” you laugh. “Not entirely, but sober enough to notice the cards you stashed during the game.”

Jeonghan’s face morphs into one of surprise, then mirth. “Shh,” he winks, placing a finger on your lips. That alone short-circuits your brain, so you nearly miss his next words. “It can be our little secret.”

“Oh, you are tipsy tipsy,” you murmur, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know if you’re up for that victory walk you were talking about.”

“I am! I’m so up for it,” he announces, tucking his arm in yours. “Let’s go take a walk outside.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

“What’s four plus four?”

He rolls his eyes. “Ninety-two,” he says sarcastically. “Please, I’m not a lightweight like the rest of our friends.”

You cast a glance at the couch; Soonyoung has been roped into listening into whatever story Yeonju’s telling him very animatedly, sitting attentively with his back unnaturally straight. He looks a little scared of her energetic narration, which is a first for someone like him.

They should be fine, right? You don’t plan on being gone for long — usually you wouldn’t think twice about leaving Soonyoung and Yeonju together, but in their current state you’re not sure how chaotic they’ll get.

“They’ll be fine.” Jeonghan mirrors your thoughts as if he’s read your mind. His voice feels a little too close, like his lips are right by your ear. Too close, too close — you’re faintly aware of your breathing accelerating, heart running on sheer adrenaline.

By the time you snap out of it, he’s already at the door, turning to find you when he realizes you’re not next to him. “Are you coming?”

“Yeah,” is all you can manage before you grab your coat off the hook and follow him out the door. A part of you wishes Yeonju was sober so she could slap the delusion out of you.

Jeonghan opts for the stairs — “We’re only on the second floor!” — and is waiting patiently at the main door for you. The smile he greets you with is blinding, and his eyes crinkle a little more when you return it.

“Did you bring your keys?”

“Right here.” Jeonghan pats his pocket reassuringly and pulls the door open. “After you, m’lady.”

“Thank you, kind sir,” you laugh, reveling in the moment.

It’s windy outside, and you glance over at Jeonghan, satisfied to see that he’s dressed warmly for once. His hands are stuffed in his pockets and for a man his size, his thick sweater is draped over his body in a way that makes him look a little smaller. It’s adorable, and it just makes you want to reach over and squish his cheeks.

“You’re awfully quiet for a man who just won a game against Boo Seungkwan,” you tease gently. Jeonghan chuckles, rubbing his hands together to warm them up.

“Nothing new,” he says. “Seungkwan just has bad strategy and won’t admit it.”

“Or you just enjoy cheating a little too much.”

He gives you a knowing smile. “Touché.”

You’re not exactly sure where you’re going; you don’t think Jeonghan does, either, but the two of you fall in step together perfectly on the sidewalk. It’s not too late yet, maybe nine or ten, and the streets are relatively crowded, as expected for a college city.

“Do you think we’ll be really different when we’re thirty?”

You look at Jeonghan, a bit surprised at the question. “What do you mean?”

“Like, we’re twenty-one now,” he explains, “Remember when we were sixteen? We had so many ideas about what we were gonna be, and we’re already there. Five years passed so quickly.”

You nod, reminiscent of your childhood days. “We’re gonna hit thirty before we know it.”

“Do you think I’ll be bald by thirty?”

“If you are, I’ll take lots of pictures of you and your shiny head,” you joke. “For memories.”

“Noo, not my hair,” Jeonghan laments theatrically. “My gorgeous, gorgeous hair.”

You can’t even counter that, because it’s true: Jeonghan must have won the gene pool because his hair has always been soft and silky. It’s longer now than it used to be, curling a little bit just under his ears and brushing the back of his neck.

“Soonyoung’s been campaigning for you to go platinum blond,” you inform him. “He keeps saying if you do it, he’ll dye his whole head bright yellow.”

“Highlighter Soonyoung is really not something I want to see.”

The more the wind picks up, the tighter Jeonghan has his arm looped around yours. His lips are pursed, like he’s preoccupied with something else.

“Y/N.”

“Yes?”

“Are we still gonna be friends when we’re thirty years old?”

The subtle, vulnerable tone in his voice surprises you a little bit. Drunk words are sober thoughts, you suppose.

You try to cheer him up, saying, “Why, did you think you could get rid of me that easily?”

“No,” he shakes his head firmly. “Everything is so much easier with you.”

Don’t be delusional, don’t be delusional, is the mantra in your head as you attempt to ignore your rapid heartbeat. The truth is that you agree — the way Jeonghan just gets you makes things so uncomplicated and free.

It’s been this way since middle school, when twelve-year-old you found home in the boy who always helped you sneak snacks from your desk during class when the teacher wasn’t watching.

Jeonghan has always been the first person you think of in a sticky situation; he’s always been reliable, above all, because he knows you would do the same for him without even needing to think about it. He’s been by your side for so long, you can’t even picture what a life without him would look like now.

Your next words would never see the light of day had Jeonghan been sober, but you suppose you can get away with erring on the side of honesty.

“Me too,” you tell him quietly, holding onto him just a little bit tighter. “I like life a little better when it’s with you.”

because i love you, because saying i love you isn't enough

PRESENT DAY

The office is quiet when it’s late at night; there aren’t many people who enjoy staying past their stated hours, but you figure it can’t hurt to finish some additional tasks when you don’t really have much to go home to. You can’t remember the last time you had a day to yourself without worrying about deadlines; the lines of code haunt you in your sleep and fill every waking hour. Every night spent working overtime is a testament to your determination, though it crumbles it a little each time.

Today, though, you’re joined by Junhui and Wonwoo, the three of you working under the dim light. The rest of your team packed up and left hours ago, so it’s just you on this floor of the building.

“I feel like my eyes are melting in their sockets,” Junhui complains, stretching for the first time in what you think is a solid eight hours. “I don’t know how Wonwoo does it.”

“He’s a machine,” you joke. He’s got headphones on, most probably noise canceling, so you know he can’t hear you two. (Or he’s choosing not to.) “I just don’t want to go home with this stuff unfinished because I know I won’t stop thinking about it all night.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time you’ve pulled an all-nighter in the office.”

“Unfortunately.”

Junhui frowns. “You need to take time for yourself,” he expresses. You let him lecture you, even though he’s younger. “Do stuff that you enjoy that doesn’t involve writing code. You know, enrich your personal life.”

“Maybe,” you sigh, putting your head in your hands. “There’s barely any time as of now.”

“Speaking of personal lives, I still can’t believe you won’t tell me about your date,” he sulks. “You’ve always come back with stories about your dates.”

“There haven’t even been that many,” you say at the same time Wonwoo turns around with his headphones off of one ear, asking, “Date? Really?”

You give the man a look. “You didn’t hear us say your name, but that was what caught your attention?”

“Well, Jun’s always talking, but the last time you went on a date was two years ago, so this is news to me.”

“It couldn’t have been that bad,” Junhui reasons. “Everyone has bad dates. It’s a universal experience.”

“Okay, first of all, it was not a date,” you clarify. “I just met up with a friend from college.”

This piques Wonwoo’s interest. “Wait, really? Who?”

“Right, I keep forgetting you guys went to college together,” Junhui mutters under his breath.

“Did you see Yeonju again?”

“It was nobody,” you lie through your teeth, kicking yourself internally for your choice of words. As much as both men know about your ongoing tug-of-war situation with Jeonghan, you don’t really want to bring it up in conversation, and definitely not now of all times. “It went fine, just some catching up.”

“So it wasn’t a date?”

“You really need to stop believing everything Junhui tells you without fact checking it first.”

“Damn,” he says. “And we thought you were finally getting some action.”

“Wonwoo!”

The conversation is interrupted by the low rumble of your stomach in the few seconds of silence that pass afterwards. Both men turn to look at you expectantly.

“I haven’t eaten all day,” you admit, a little embarrassed. “I’m starving.”

“I’ll order takeout,” Wonwoo volunteers, already reaching for his phone. “Is kimchi fried rice okay with you guys?”

“Fine by me.”

“With pork?” Junhui asks hopefully.

“Done.”

The three of you promptly get back to work, aiming to maximize the amount of work you get done before the food arrives and you inevitably break focus. By the time the delivery notification goes off on Wonwoo’s phone, you’ve knocked off about three quarters of your to-do list for the day.

Good enough, you reassure yourself, pulling the sticky note off of your desk and flicking it into the trash can.

Junhui eats in a record time of ten minutes — you swear you’ve never seen him scarf down food this fast before — and starts packing up at his desk, dropping off a couple of notes on Seungcheol’s desk for tomorrow morning’s meeting.

“My girlfriend is going to be so upset if I’m not home soon,” he says ruefully, slinging his bag over one shoulder. “Take care, guys! And thanks for dinner, Wonwoo, I owe you one.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

You and Wonwoo finish not too long after, and you take your time cleaning up the place, making sure everything is thrown away and in its place.

“Are you ready to lock up and go?”

“Yeah, let’s head out.”

It’s not until you’re in the elevator, heading to the parking garage, that Wonwoo speaks up again. A little hesitantly at first, but the concern in his tone is still evident.

“Hey, has everything been good with you lately?”

“Hm?” You look at him curiously, wondering what it was that made him ask. “Yeah, why?”

He shrugs, looking down at you through thick-rimmed glasses. “Just haven’t checked in with you in a bit. Seungcheol’s needed me all over the place lately, so it’s been a while since I caught up with you guys.”

“Right, you’ve been in back to back meetings with the design team,” you muse. “Seolhwa was talking about how chaotic it’s been in the restroom earlier.”

“Yeah, it’s been pretty tough.”

The elevator opens with a ding! and you follow him out, fishing for your keys that are probably somewhere in one of your pockets.

“I parked a little far,” you tell him, “so I’ll get going now. But I’ll see you at tomorrow’s meeting, right?”

Wonwoo just looks at you gently, like he’s seeing right through you.

“Jeonghan’s the one you met up with, isn’t he?”

You freeze. “What?”

“I had a feeling, but it was a little more obvious when you started getting defensive,” he chuckles. “Plus, I think you forget I’ve known you for nearly a decade now.”

You allow yourself to breathe, relaxing the taut muscles in your neck. “I didn’t want to make it awkward,” you admit. “I know you said you guys still keep in touch sometimes. I don’t want to make it weird.”

Wonwoo raises his eyebrows. “Just for birthdays and things like that. We weren’t really that close in college, either.”

Not really knowing what to say, you stay silent, eyes glued to the ground. He seems to sense this and drops the matter, reaching over to pat your shoulder.

“I won’t pry,” he says lightly, “But if you ever want to talk about it, just know you can always call up an old friend.”

You smile. “Thanks, Wonwoo.”

“Take care, Y/N. Get home safe.”

The drive home is numbing. The playlist you have on dulls into background noise as you focus on the road, fighting the urge to yawn. It’s nearly eleven o’clock at night, and all you want is to be back in your bed.

At the back of your mind, all you can think about is the text you woke up to this morning.

yoon jeonghan: hey, i just wanted to tell you tomorrow is my last day in seoul

yoon jeonghan: i don’t know if you want to see me or not, but i’ll be at semicolon cafe working for most of the day. pls drop by if you have some free time. i really miss you.

So typical of him, to leave it up to you to go find him. And yet, you would — if it came down to it, you would go to the ends of the earth if he asked you to.

Yeonju would be furious if you told her you were even considering it, you scold yourself. After all, she’d only told you to speak to him once for your own peace of mind. Last week should have given you all the closure you needed.

Still, your conscience is swayed at the idea of being able to see him again.

You shake the thoughts out of your head, as if the subtle action could erase the pain and longing you’ve felt for the past eight years.

The traffic light turns green. You step on the gas and don’t look back.

even if i can't be the perfect weather for you, will you still love me like this?

SIX YEARS AGO

Jeonghan has been in the studio for hours.

Nothing seems to sound right, and the frustration makes him want to pull his hair out. He can’t even remember the last time he got out of the chair, but he doesn’t want to lose even a little bit of whatever workflow he’s managed to maintain while he’s been in here.

Occasionally, when the weather is just a little dull and time seems to tick by too slowly, he wonders if he made the right choice. Maybe he should have stuck with his career, actually put his degree to use, instead of setting it aside in the name of passion.

He’s vocalized these thoughts to his manager many times, and Jihoon is awfully good at raising his spirits, but the self doubt seeping into his soul is very hard to ignore.

Reluctantly, he presses the play button again, whatever he’s conjured up in the last couple of hours playing in his headphones again. It doesn’t sound any better this time.

Yes, he could swallow his pride and ask Jihoon for help, but after a year and a half of unsuccessful ventures in the music industry, he wants to be able to do something on his own.

Prove himself; to Jihoon, the world, and you.

Jeonghan will never forget your only words to him when he’d first revealed his plan to switch career paths, just a month or two before graduation.

(“I always believe in you,” you’d said, following it up with a comforting hug.

“Always?”

“Always.”)

And when you said that with such conviction, placing all of that trust and belief in his hands, he knew there was no way he could turn back on what he’d set his sights on. In truth, on days where things just seem so bleak, you are his strength, and he wishes he could tell you that.

But when your name comes through on his phone, he falters.

What is he supposed to say? All he can give is excuses, that nothing’s really worked, nothing has panned out in his favor yet. As it is, the two of you haven’t spoken that much since graduating, both of you occupied with your own goals and careers, and at times like these he feels your absence a little extra.

Is this what it means to grow up and grow apart?

For now, he ignores the buzzing, telling himself he’ll come back when he’s snagged his first real achievement. You’ll be proud of him, and he’ll finally make something of himself.

Jihoon walks into the room, closing the door quietly, right when he’s about to listen to the track for maybe the hundredth time.

“Oh, hey.” Jeonghan can hear the exhaustion in his own voice. “What’s up?”

“Wondering when the last time you slept was.” Jihoon sinks into the chair beside him, trying to lighten the mood. “You look like a zombie.”

“Yeah, I feel like one.”

“You need to spend less time in here,” Jihoon advises gently. “Or you’re going to lose your mind. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“I just can’t figure out what it is I’m missing,” Jeonghan sighs, evidently frustrated. “It’s like, almost there, but not really. It’s been killing me for days.”

“You know, these things do take time.”

“Or maybe I’m just not cut out for this and I should just go work for a news channel instead.”

Jihoon watches him carefully, picking up on his slumped shoulders and tired eyes. “And then you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you held on just a little bit longer. Do you really want that?”

Jeonghan doesn’t really know what else to say. He’s been hearing the same things from everyone around him — his parents, his sister; everyone talks of a future where he’s already succeeded, but that isn’t set in stone. Nothing is promised, he knows.

“I need a miracle,” he mumbles instead.

“You need to eat,” Jihoon corrects. “I just placed an order for dinner, and I know you like sundubu-jjigae, so you have no excuse to bail on me this time.”

Jeonghan considers this for a moment, then gives in. “Fine,” he says, “but I can’t stay too long.”

“Good.” Jihoon rises, and then places a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “I’m proud of you. You’ve been working really hard.”

“Thank you.”

He’s alone again, when the door closes behind the shorter man. It’s something he’s had to get used to; he’s learned to rely on himself over the past year or so, but when the reality of loneliness sinks in, it breaks his heart just a little.

Even more so knowing that it’s his fault that he’s pushed everyone away, including you.

Your name is still burned into Jeonghan’s brain, and his fingers itch to respond, but he ignores the urge. His phone is left forgotten as he slips his headphones on again, tinkering with the unfinished track.

And the thought of you dissolves into the music.

we used to be best friends, i remember you said you can be yourself when i'm around

PRESENT DAY

Today is the day that Choi Seungcheol learns that you are full of surprises.

In all your five years of working for him, he’s never once had you call in sick for work or ask for a day off. You’ve always been hard-working, maybe too much at times, but he sounds like he definitely didn’t anticipate this.

“Oh,” is all he says when you request the morning off. “Yeah, sure. Are you feeling alright?”

“Not really, but I will be before the client meeting at three, so I’ll be present for that.”

“Oh, all right. We’ll see you then.”

“See you.”

It weighs on your conscience that the first time you request time off also happens to be the first time you blatantly lie to your boss, but you’ve already deliberated this enough with Yeonju over call last night.

(“I’ve been such an honest worker,” you said dramatically, “and now I’m running all that to the ground.”

“Don’t be so theatrical. Choi Seungcheol can afford to give you half a day of paid leave.”)

Now that you’ve settled that, you grab your heavy winter coat, setting out into the morning cold. Damn Yoon Jeonghan for making you move your whole day around for him. You had predicted correctly that Yeonju would berate you for it — you sat through a lecture over the phone last night — but that hadn’t deterred your resolve to see him again.

Who knows? His behavior is so erratic that even you, who knew him like the back of your hand at one point, can’t predict him anymore. Today could very well be the last time you see him for another few years until he decides he has the time for you again.

Whatever, you huff to yourself as you walk briskly, knowing that as upset as you get, the soft spot you harbor for him will never go away.

You had worried that it would be a little too early, since it’s only eight in the morning, but you have no problem finding Jeonghan in the sea of caffeine-deprived corporate workers getting their fix in the small establishment. He’s engrossed in his laptop, and he doesn’t realize you’re there until you take the seat across from him, waiting for him to look up.

“Oh,” is all he says, pushing his screen down. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

You sigh. “Yeah, I didn’t think I would, either.”

Jeonghan gives you a sorrowful look, hair fluffy like a halo around his face. “I’m trying, I really am.”

“Jeonghan —”

“I’m juggling so many things at once,” he says quietly. “And I never wanted you to think any less of me. I wanted you to be proud of me..”

“I was. I still am.”

“But I still haven’t done anything.” He sounds more agitated as he speaks. “I haven’t gotten anywhere, I’ve barely made a name for myself. Nothing I do is paying off.”

“You’re trying, though,” you tell him. It saddens you to see him like this. It’s not often that Jeonghan talks about how he feels, especially not now that you’ve grown so distant. “And you don’t have to go off and accomplish great things for me to be proud of you. I already am.”

He’s quiet, like he’s dwelling on something.

“I’m sorry,” he says a few seconds later. “It’s just all been such a mess.”

“That’s okay.”

In the silence between those two words are many more that don’t need to be spoken for him to understand. You’re doing okay. Everything will turn out okay.

“I wish things could go back to the way they were,” he says again, eyes a little shiny when he looks back at you.

Nostalgia fills your brain, all of those treasured memories with him resting in a well-lit corner of your heart.

“You know, it really hurts, Han, to keep doing this push and pull with you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“Don’t apologize,” he laughs wistfully, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Shit, I never meant to hurt you, Y/N, honestly. And I’m really trying to be better about it. Things are looking up now, I think. It’s getting a little easier than before.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” You offer him a reassuring smile. “I knew you could do it.”

“How…” Jeonghan starts tentatively. “How long are you here for?”

“I’m not sure,” you reply, fidgeting with one of your bracelets. “Not too long.”

“Are you going to have something to eat?” An olive branch.

“I have food I meal-prepped at home.” A subtle denial.

The silence is loud. You try to think of something, anything to say to fill it, but you come up blank. There’s not much else to be said in the fraught air between the two of you. Not now, anyways.

“I’m sorry, I should let you get back to work,” you say suddenly, eyes landing on his half shut laptop. “I didn’t mean to take time out of your day.”

“That’s okay,” he says softly. “I’m really glad I got to see you.”

“Have a safe trip to… wherever you’re going.”

He chuckles. “Just Jeju, but thank you.”

Before you leave, you reach for the scarf loosely wrapped around your neck — your favorite one you’ve had since college, the plaid cream-colored one — and you set it down on the table. He just looks at you questioningly.

“Why…?”

“It’s cold,” you say with a faint smile. “You haven’t changed, Yoon Jeonghan.”

“Thank you.”

You take the time to memorize him — the curve of his face, the soft look in his eyes, the one reserved for you and the ones he holds close. If you could etch his features in your brain here and now, you would.

“Well,” you start, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Don’t be a stranger, Han. The next time I see your name, it better be a call from you instead of another news headline.”

Jeonghan nods, eyes forming crescents. “I’ll do my best.”

And there is something to be said about the love in looking back, for sure, but there is also love in not looking back, in choosing to keep your eyes trained on the path before you. There is love in knowing your weaknesses, that if you turn around you might not be able to walk away after all.

You don’t release the breath you’re holding until you walk out the door. It’s raining, you realize with a start, the previously clear sky clouded over. It seems that your overcast heart has been mirrored by the earth.

The rhythmic droplets provide a strange sense of comfort as you let yourself get soaked, for lack of an umbrella. It works in your favor, anyway, because nobody will assume anything’s amiss if your face is already drenched.

Pit, pat. The smell of wet soil rises in your nostrils, and you let the tears fall.

no matter where i am in the world, i'll say it's you

FOUR YEARS LATER

The lights are blinding, and the sounds of the camera shutters are incessant. But this is the life Jeonghan has always dreamed of, so he doesn’t dare complain.

In truth, he doesn’t care for a lot of the interviews he’s been asked to do — he can’t be bothered by the mundane, mind-numbing questions he gets asked over and over again. Nothing ticks him off like the insensitive digs into his personal life they always ask him, searching for information he doesn’t wish to disclose.

But he does it, anyway, because what choice does he really have? It’s good for your image, Jihoon always tells him, adding another event to his schedule. It’s for your public platform.

“So, you’ve come out with another hit single,” the interviewer starts, beaming at him. His teeth are so artificially white, they seem to reflect the bright studio lights. “How does it feel to accomplish such a success yet again?”

“It’s really great,” Jeonghan answers honestly. “I’m very grateful to my manager, producer, and my beloved family. And, of course, all of the wonderful fans. I couldn’t have done any of this without them.”

“A touching answer as always, Jeonghan-ssi.” The man flashes a smile at the cameras. “Your new single To You was really well received by fans, especially for its fresh and passionate take on what it feels like to be in love.”

The blazer feels stiff now, under the heat of the lights. Jeonghan tries not to dwell too deeply on the true inspiration for the song he’d written late at night a couple years ago, overcome by his own heart.

“I’m really glad that everyone’s been enjoying it so much. That really was the intention,” he says, “to have a song that makes you feel like you’re floating.”

“And it does!” the interviewer laughs. “A lot of viewers really appreciated the sincerity of feelings that was conveyed through the song. Which raised the question; have you ever been in love before?”

Something akin to a late realization suddenly hits Jeonghan right there in the hot seat, under all those lights and cameras. His hand comes up to toy with the end of the scarf he’s wearing, a keepsake of treasured memories.

“Maybe,” he says with a wistful smile.

Wherever you are in the world right now, there’s a small part of him that dares to hope you’re watching.

“Maybe I have.”

thank you for reading! if you have any feedback, i'd love to hear it :) much love, ashi xx

#jeonghan x reader #svt #seventeen #svt x reader #seventeen x reader #svt one shot #svt fics #svt jeonghan #yoon jeonghan #jeonghan #jeonghan friends to lovers #jeonghan one shot #jeonghan fics #kpop fanfic

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kiefbowl · 2 days ago

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even though I just made a joke about it killing the rain forest, I had to conclude my little foray into chatgpt land by asking it some things I know a lot about. so I asked it to "could you create a language" and it spit out some of the most unimpressive surface level stuff about the building blocks of language.

then I asked it: "Can you explain to me what happens in A Dance with Dragons" and it again just said the most cursory stuff that feels like reading a 9 year old's book report. So I said "explain in more detail" and it just used more words to say the same stuff like a 9 year old who can't hit the word count. So i said "explain in more detail" and it's just more of the same...besides the stuff it's wrong about in any case. I didn't read it all, but just from skimming I could see it got some things wrong. like:

Tyrion hasn't made it to Daenerys yet. Daario is missing for most of the book. Missandei is 9 years old. These are three prominent characters from the show, but they are not her most prominent advisors in the book.

The children of the forest creating the white walkers must be from the show because what?? Not only is that not in the book, there's no evidence or foreshadowing of that in the book. The white walkers don't need to be "created" by anyone, they are just living creatures in this world. Even if it's later revealed in a book or by GRRM that was the intention, it's just simply false that it's in ADWD.

But also, it's just unimpressive this "summary". It's just kinda saying vague things that kinda happened. I asked if it could explain things that happened in ADWD, and it just doesn't. I ask for more detail, it just gives more words. I asked for more detail, it just gives more words. Which to me is telling, as these are some of the most popular books of the past twenty years, with endless amounts of meta for free on the internet you could find easily. There is no way that if thousands of people are feeding chatgpt things to analyze, people haven't uploaded large chunks of the book itself. I'm not asking it to give me deep analysis, I'm asking it to explain the plot and it's saying things like "Jon struggles with his leadership" and "Tyrion struggles with his guilt." Okay.

So I asked it something specific:

This is a normal english question, and I get this:

The most important thing that happens to Daenerys and Drogon is that she gets on top of him and flies away. She flies a dragon. "After Drogon appears, Daenerys realizes how dangerous her power can be" like wtf are you talking about. I mean yeah sure, but what a generic ass thing to say.

No shit sherlock, this is a theme running through the books that dragons are dangerous and powerful. But what literally happens between them? And it just doesn't say it.

So I decided to use a more specific question, because maybe I asked incorrectly:

This is 1. wrong and 2. still doesn't mention that Dany gets on Drogon's back and flies away. Like she literally does control Drogon. It is absolute chaos when Drogon returns, and no she doesn't sit there and reflect. She runs into the pit, to Drogon, dodges fire, and instinctively climbs onto his back and flys away and he listens. This is the first time it happens. This is monumental. This is like the culmination of five books of waiting to see when Dany is finally going to fly one of her dragons. And this stupid ass thing cannot tell me it happens. From an insanely popular IP that had a tv show made of it.

This isn't impressive at all. You'd get better, more concise information reading the wikipedia page.

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out-there-tmblr · 3 days ago

Text

Young Zaundads wip (23)

***

Silco's a little standoffish the next day, keeps a bit more space between them as they work, but it's a small tunnel and it's not big enough to keep his distance for long. By the afternoon they're working side-by-side again, shoulders brushing as they clear rubble.

"I've been thinking about last night," Vander says, using the gauntlets to break a large boulder into manageable pieces. He picks up the largest rock and takes it to the cart.

"You want to talk about that here?"

There's a loud metal clang as Vander drops his rock and it bounces off the side of the cart. He gestures at the tunnel around them, the grey-brown rock fading into black at the edge of the lantern's light. "What? You wanted to discuss the amazing views instead?"

Silco rolls his eyes but he smirks. "Point made."

"I was thinking. If we wanted to try that again," Vander holds up a hand to stall Silco's inevitable complaint, "maybe we could try it the other way around. Like… Swap who's doing what."

Silco glances down and seems to remember that he's carrying a chunk of rock. He takes it over to the cart and drops it in. Then he cautiously says, "Is that something you want?"

"I'm curious." Vander shrugs. He's never been great with words. "It's not… you know. A big thing but… yeah."

Silco watches him with those clever blue eyes. "Hmmm."

Vander doesn't bring it up again. He's quite happy to spend that night enjoying the comfort of their new bed, soft mattress beneath his knees and Silco sprawled out on the sheet, his thighs hooked over Vander's shoulders and cock warm in Vander's mouth. He likes the way Silco digs his heels into Vander's back. He likes the way Silco arches off the bed, fingers clawed into the sheet. Likes the way Silco chants his name, over and over, like there's nothing else in the world but them.

***

"Where are you off to?" Vander rumbles as Silco stands up from the table. Across from them, Felicia and Benzo keep recounting the story of the day, how Mattis dressed in a hurry and forgot his belt, and had his pants threatening to fall down all shift long.

Silco wraps a hand around Vander's neck, thumb sliding beneath his collar as Silco leans down to talk quietly. "I want to check something with the harbour master. I'll stop at Babette's on the way back, see if there's anything her workers need."

"Want me to come with?" Vander offers, but he suspects he already knows the answer. Silco's been restless tonight; he probably wants a break from the noise of the mess hall.

Silco shakes his head. "No need. I'll be back by curfew."

Vander turns back to the conversation and gets to hear how Mattis' pants fell down while he was swinging a pickaxe, giving everyone a view of his underwear.

"He didn't realise," Felicia says, grabbing her ale. "Not until he tried to step closer and nearly fell on his face!"

"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy," Benzo adds with a mean grin. "I think there were a dozen miners reminding him to wear his belt tomorrow."

It's a good night. They don't talk about anything important – just little moments in their days, stupid jokes made at each other's expense – but it feels good to drink and laugh. Vander likes Silco, likes spending time with him, but Silco's not big on smalltalk or storytelling. Not unless it's a story with a clear message of how bad the mines can be.

It's not that Silco's wrong, because he's not. Vander gets it when he points things out, that things are unfair and more cruel than they need to be, but he lives it everyday. He doesn't want to spend every conversation talking about it as well.

"So," Felicia says, tossing her hair over her shoulder and then leaning in, "is the honeymoon over? Have the sex chems worn off? Are we going to get to see our friend Vander again?"

"Without Silco glued to your side?" Connol adds.

Vander frowns. "Do you not like him?" he asks, and there's a long look between Benzo and Connol that he really doesn't appreciate.

"I wouldn't say that," Benzo says.

"We don't know him very well." Felicia shrugs. "We like him enough but we really like you. And you're… different when he's around."

"Dopey," Connol says.

"Lovestruck," Benzo adds. "You spend more time watching him than talking to us."

Connol laughs. "And it's not hard to guess what you're thinking."

"Well, if I'm so missed, I'll make more of an effort to spend time with you," Vander promises and Connol gives him a sarcastic thumbs up gesture. "But I might get busy again. Silco's got a new project in mind."

"What?" Benzo asks. "Smuggling in every gas mask in the undercity isn't enough for him?"

Vander shrugs. The gas masks really have been popular. "He wants to set up a market."

"We already have the company store," Felicia replies. She sounds confused but it's better than being dismissive. "What would be the point?"

"We could buy goods that we'd never afford in Piltover. If they'd even sell it to us in the first place." Vander's never tried it himself but he's heard stories of stores that refuse to accept bronze. That will only sell if you have the exact price in gold and silver, while the miners and cannery workers are always paid in bronze. "It could be between here and riverside. Where there's space to build and land that no one cares about."

"Sounds Iike a lot of work."

"Yeah, well, the sex chems tell me he's worth it." Vander swallows the last of his ale and gets up to order another. When he gets back, the conversation has turned to teasing Benzo about the girl at the counter who keeps smiling at him.

When it's half an hour to curfew, Vander decides he'll surprise Silco and meet him at Babette's. It's the kind of idea that seems brilliant after too many ales.

It's pay week again, so Babette's tents are set up outside the mine gates. There's a colourful string of lanterns glowing in the dark, linking the tents together. He steps inside the biggest one, in the centre of the colourful cluster, and Bani and Wave nod at him.

"I'm looking for Silco," Vander says, doing his best to stand upright and not look like he's spent the last three hours drinking.

Bani laughs but Wave is more helpful. She leans a hand on Vander's wrist, her bangles clattering as she moves. "He's in Kane's tent. Under the blue lantern."

Vander doesn't know all of Babette's Workers. He can't picture what Kane looks like but he follows the instructions, and finds Silco sitting with his back to the door and a solid, blonde woman tilts his face up and swipes a tiny brush at his face.

"Sorry, honey," Kane says with a sweet smile. "I'll be with you in a minute."

"I'm here for Silco," Vander explains. "I'm just here to–"

Vander snaps his jaw shut when Silco turns around. His eyes are lined with something dark, making his eyelashes look thicker and darker. There's a streak of electric blue under his eyes, making his blue eyes mesmerizing. His lips are red and shiny, like they've spent half the night kissing. His skin is pale and flawless, and he looks too beautiful to be real, like some fairytale creature back when gods appeared to mortals.

Vander takes a few steps forward and then doesn't know what to do.

"I think he likes it," Kane says in a loud whisper.

Silco stands up and slowly walks towards him. He looks incredible. "Do you like it?"

Vander swallows. "I'd kiss you right now if I wasn't scared of messing it up."

"Let's go home." Silco smiles, looking very pleased with himself. "You can mess me up there."

***

#my current wip #zaundads

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kathlare · 3 days ago

Text

sand traps

Lando Norris x Amelie Dayman

Summary: Lando’s attempt to find solace on the golf course turns into an uncomfortable confrontation with ghosts from his past.

Wordcount: 1.3 k

Warnings: just fluff

full masterlist // request over here!

May 4th, 2023 - Miami, FL

The Florida sun was unforgiving as Lando stepped out of his car, slinging his golf bag over his shoulder and adjusting his cap. A day on the golf course was exactly what he needed to unwind before the Miami Grand Prix—a chance to clear his head, escape the relentless pressure of racing, and enjoy the company of Zak Brown and a few other McLaren bigwigs. Golf was his sanctuary, a sport he loved nearly as much as racing, though he’d never admit that publicly.

As he walked toward the clubhouse, he spotted Zak waiting near the first tee, chatting with a couple of other McLaren sponsors. Lando waved, quickening his pace, but as he drew closer, his stomach dropped. Standing beside Zak, dressed in casual golf attire with an unmistakable air of authority, was him.

Elias Dayman.

Amelie’s father.

And next to him, leaning lazily against his own golf bag with a sly grin on his face, was Jack Dayman.

Lando’s heart sank. Of all the people he could’ve bumped into today, why them? He hadn’t seen Elias or Jack since… well, since everything had fallen apart with Amelie. Back when he and Amelie were close, he’d been practically part of their family, spending holidays at their house, sharing laughs with Jack over video games, and earning that warm, approving smile from Elias that made him feel like he truly belonged.

But today, there was no warmth in Elias’ gaze. No approving smile. Just a cold, hard glare that made Lando feel like a scolded schoolboy before a word had even been exchanged.

—Lando,— Zak called out, oblivious to the tension as he clapped a hand on Lando’s shoulder. —Glad you made it. You’ve met Elias Dayman, haven’t you? And his son, Jack.—

Lando swallowed hard, forcing a polite smile as he extended his hand. —Of course. Nice to see you again, Mr. Dayman.—

Elias shook his hand briefly, his grip firm and unyielding. —Lando,— he said, his tone neutral but his eyes burning with an intensity that made Lando want to disappear into the nearest sand trap.

Jack, on the other hand, didn’t bother hiding his amusement. —Lando,— he said, his grin widening. —Didn’t think we’d be seeing you here.—

—Yeah,— Lando replied, trying to keep his tone light. —Small world, I guess.—

Zak, blissfully unaware of the awkward undercurrent, ushered everyone toward the first hole, chatting about the Grand Prix weekend and McLaren’s plans for the season. Lando tried to focus on the conversation, but he could feel Elias’ eyes on him, watching his every move like a hawk.

As the game progressed, Lando’s usual confidence on the course began to waver. He couldn’t shake the weight of Elias’ silent judgment or the occasional smirk from Jack, who seemed to be enjoying his discomfort a little too much. Lando kept his head down, focusing on his swing, but every missed putt felt like a metaphor for his current situation—off balance, out of sync, and underperforming.

By the time they reached the ninth hole, the tension was unbearable. Lando was standing by his bag, adjusting his glove, when Elias finally spoke.

—You’ve got a good swing,— Elias said, his tone casual but his words laced with something far more cutting. —Shame your follow-through doesn’t always hit the mark.—

Lando froze, his stomach twisting. He knew a double meaning when he heard one.

—Thanks,— he said cautiously, not daring to look up.

Elias took a step closer, lowering his voice so only Lando could hear. —You know, I used to think you were different. Thought you cared about my daughter. Thought you respected her. But I guess I was wrong.—

Lando’s chest tightened, his hands gripping the edge of his golf bag as he struggled to find the right words.

—Mr. Dayman, I...—

—Don’t,— Elias interrupted, his voice sharp but calm. —Don’t insult me with excuses. You had her trust, her heart, and you threw it away like it was nothing. You think I don’t know how you broke her?—

Lando’s throat was dry, his mind racing as he tried to process the weight of Elias’ words.

—I didn’t mean to...—

—Didn’t mean to?— Elias echoed, his voice rising slightly. —Do you have any idea what she went through because of you? Do you even care?—

—Dad, come on,— Jack interjected, stepping between them before things could escalate further. —We’re here to play golf, not rehash ancient history.—

Elias didn’t take his eyes off Lando, his jaw clenched tightly. —Just remember this, Norris. You stay away from her. You don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t even think about her. You’re not welcome anywhere near my daughter.—

Lando nodded stiffly, his head bowed as Jack gently steered Elias away toward the cart. The rest of the round passed in a blur, Lando barely registering the conversation around him as he replayed Elias’ words over and over in his head.

The remainder of the golf outing was a slow-moving nightmare for Lando. Each swing of his club felt heavier, each hole longer. The once-enjoyable game had turned into an exercise in endurance, with Elias’ words echoing in his mind like a relentless mantra.

You stay away from her. You’re not welcome anywhere near my daughter.

By the time they reached the eighteenth hole, Lando’s patience—and his composure—were wearing thin. He had been trying to focus on the game, but every glance from Elias felt like a dagger, and Jack’s occasional smirks weren’t helping. Zak, still unaware of the tension, was chatting animatedly about an upcoming McLaren event, blissfully ignorant of the turmoil unfolding under his nose.

As they wrapped up the game, Zak clapped Lando on the shoulder. —Not your best day, mate, but hey, at least you’re better on the track.—

Lando forced a smile, mumbling something noncommittal as they headed back to the clubhouse. He just wanted to get out of there, away from Elias’ piercing gaze and the unspoken weight of Jack’s presence.

Once inside, Zak excused himself to chat with a sponsor, leaving Lando to pack up his gear. As he bent to retrieve his bag, Jack appeared beside him, leaning casually against the locker.

—Rough day, huh?— Jack said, his tone light but laced with amusement.

Lando straightened, his jaw tightening. —Something like that.—

Jack chuckled, crossing his arms. —You’re lucky, you know. Dad kept it relatively civil. I thought he was going to bury you in the sand trap back on the ninth.—

Lando shot him a look, unsure whether Jack was joking or not. —Yeah, I got that impression.—

—Look, Lando,— Jack said, his tone softening slightly. —I get it. Things happen. Relationships fall apart. But Amelie? She’s not just some girl. She’s Amelie. You were practically family to us, and you—well, you fucked it up. Royally.—

Lando swallowed hard, his throat dry. —I know I did. I didn’t mean for it to...—

—Yeah, I’m sure you didn’t,— Jack interrupted, his voice sharp. —But intentions don’t mean shit when the outcome’s the same. She trusted you, man. We all did. And now? You’re just a sore spot in her story.—

Lando flinched at the words, the weight of them hitting harder than any of Elias’ glares. —I didn’t want to hurt her. I... I cared about her. A lot.—

Jack studied him for a moment, his expression unreadable. —Maybe you did. Maybe you still do. But caring about someone isn’t enough if you can’t show up for them. And you didn’t.—

Lando wanted to argue, to explain, but what could he say? Jack was right. He hadn’t been there for Amelie when it mattered most. He had let her down, and the damage was done.

—For what it’s worth,— Jack added, his tone softer now, —I don’t think you’re a bad guy, Lando. Just a dumbass who didn’t know what he had until it was gone.—

With that, Jack pushed off the locker and walked away, leaving Lando standing alone with his thoughts. The truth stung, but he couldn’t deny it. He had lost Amelie, not just as a lover, but as a friend, as someone he could rely on. And now, her family, the people who once welcomed him with open arms, saw him as nothing more than a mistake.

As Lando stepped out into the Miami heat, his chest felt tight. Golf had always been his escape, but today, it had been anything but. Instead, it had become a harsh reminder of the bridges he had burned and the person he used to be.

And as he climbed into his car and drove away, he couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever find a way to make things right—or if he even deserved to.

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worrynoodle · 2 days ago

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🥧🍻Contains spoilers for Supernatural ending🍻🥧

I take what I said about the ending back. I've been rewatching and I agree that it wasn't right.

Throughout the entire series, we consistently see Sam and Dean encounter other hunters who usually represent two paths. In this life, you die or go insane ("You either die a hero or you live long enough to become a villain" -The Dark Knight). And of the two options, Sam and Dean seem to have decided that dying is at least better than potentially hurting someone. Neither of them actually believe that because they keep bringing each other back.

But this post is mostly about Dean's ending - death, in the line of duty, by rusty rebar.

During my first watchthrough, I could see - very surface level - that yeah, sure, Dean would want to die that way. Going out saving people, Sammy at his side.

But almost every other time (if not every time) Dean is faced with his own death, he decides he doesn't actually want that. He feels he must. He dies so others can live, that's his job, it's expected. But he would live if he could. When he made the demon deal to get Sam back, he confronts his nightmare self and says he doesn't want to die. He doesn't deserve to die. With the mark of Cain, in the confession booth he tells the priest that he knows he doesn't want to die and that he wants to live and experience life differently.

Dean wants to break away from the expectation that hunters die. Maybe he can't have a "normal" life. But he wants something other than what's expected of him. What God expected of him.

This was supposed to be Team Free Will. This was supposed to be about breaking away from God's Plan. Not dying like the little soldier daddy raised him to be but to become more than that. Break away from the narrative.

In the end, though, Dean is forced to have the death that everyone else planned for him. The self-sacrificing version of himself, other hunters, his dad, God. All the people we as the audience wanted Dean to be free of, to live in spite of - he dies like daddy's blunt little instrument. Cas sacrificed himself to the empty, finding peace in the face of never seeing the love of his existence again, in the face of literal eternal nothingness so that Dean could live and be more than [Dean] thought he could be. He was happy to sacrifice his happiness for Dean's. Just for Dean's life to be cut short the same way Cas died to avoid. (Death because of the work. Death like a soldier in battle.)

All of the times Dean and Sam (and Cas) die and come back to life, all of the people they find who live happily, the family they find together, the love they find, defeating literal God - it all felt like it was building to something more substantial. That they BOTH (*) were going to get something more than they expected - or, rather, resigned themselves to.

And on Sam's end - throughout the show, they show us, surface level and parallel to deans death, that him living a "normal" life without dean is what is expected. He left the life. He left Dad and Dean, went to college, had goals and aspirations, and had a serious girlfriend. His life was laid out for him. Just like death was laid out for Dean. But when push comes to shove, Sam doesn't want to live without Dean. Even when Sam thinks he can do it, like when Dean goes to purgatory, he comes the moment Dean calls and gets back into the life. When Dean dies from the mark, he says so. He was wrong, and he'll do anything to get Dean back. Everybody asks him why he would ever come back when was almost out and he tells them that he actually loves this life. That now he isn't forced into it but chooses it. He doesn't want a life without his brother in it. And that is what he was doomed to suffer. By the end of the series, I don't think Sam would have just let go like that.

Chuck said one brother had to kill the other. In other words, one lives, one dies. And that's what happened.

*I wasnt going to but now I am. Let's talk about Cas too! Through the show Cas dies again and again and again. God hates the disobedient angel with a crack in his chassis who fell in love with a man. God kills him. God wants him out of the picture but he won't go. He can't go. The story falls apart without him in it. Dean falls apart without him. But somehow his death is considered a good ending for him (good story telling wise, externally)? That confessing his love was enough? That dying in place of Dean was where he wanted to be? Sure, he was happy but it came at the price of that very happiness. It was had and taken in a moment. He was destined to die by God and that's what happened. (And we are supposed to believe that Dean just... lives on, cuddlin his dog and eatin' pie like he's not wrecked? That every other time Cas dies he falls apart but this time when Cas dies, they defeat God and true happiness is supposedly possible now - Dean would just give up? That he wouldn't try to get him back? Especially after a love confession? That just doesn't make sense to me.

My theory is that there's more to the ending than we know. That they did intentionally wrap it up there, that you can take it or leave it. But it leaves you wanting, leaves just enough questions unanswered that if they were to do a revival there's things they can do with the story.

Tl:dr: for a show about breaking away from the narrative, choosing free will, and not being held back by expectations, the ending really didn't fit well and let us down. IN MY PERSONAL OPINION

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exhaustedpirate · 2 days ago

Text

cinnamon-flavoured kisses

my offering for the 'crash that jeep' fam with a dash of missing scene from 7x03! take a shot everytime i make a coffee metaphor and keep 911 on speed dial (i take no responsibility) also, tommy kinard's coffee order is my coffee order and i will hear no complaints *smooch*

rated T | 6626 words also on AO3

It’s been almost two months but Buck still forgets to set up the coffee machine to brew in the morning.

Firefighter Buckley!

Every night, he goes to bed and every morning, he wakes up without coffee hot and waiting for him.

It’s nothing major, really, just an extra fifteen minutes he could save.

Buckley!

Tommy used to set it up for him.

And every night, they went to bed together and every morning, they would wake up to the delicious smell of freshly brewed coffee.

Buck, come on!

Tommy chose the machine.

One morning, they woke up to an overpowering smell of coffee in the house. To a kitchen flooded with coffee.

Please!

Tommy helped him clean up. They grabbed coffee on the way to the appliance’s store as Buck rambled on about this or that machine until he let Tommy choose one.

So it really isn’t his fault that he forgets to set up the coffee machine. It’s on Tommy. He chose it.

Yeah.

“Evan, Evan!”

It’s Tommy’s fault.

“Please, come back to me!”

---

15 Minutes Earlier

His coffee sucked.

He had set it to brew while he took a shower that morning. It was probably the wrong temperature, he must have clicked the wrong button.

He must have been wrong.

Nope, not the time for that, Buck. That’s what the shower was for - it’s not crying if you’re in the shower. And that was a bad habit on its own, his morning routine was suffering.

But it was coffee and really, he needed all the energy he could get. It wasn’t as if he had been sleeping well for the past couple months.

He takes another sip at the red light. It really doesn’t help that the coffee sucks.

He’s been adamant at making it work, though, he isn’t about to give up now. There is a metaphor that he is not going to acknowledge. He isn’t.

The sound of sirens approaches the intersection, distracting him. An engine zooms by first, so fast he can barely see the numbers on it. The RA engine drives by just as fast. The vans in front of him are too tall.

Buck sighs, taking another sip of the coffee. It still sucks. He doesn’t know why he expected it to be any different, he should have learned his lesson. He downs the rest of the coffee.

The light turns green and he follows the vans towards the right. He’s probably gonna get to the station just in time. Bobby will probably have coffee and breakfast for him ready, he’s complained enough about his coffee machine that his Captain has taken pity on him.

The sounds of sirens get louder and louder as he drives. In the approaching distance, he sees the orange glow of the fire. Almost unconsciously, he turns on the radio he still has on his truck, fiddling with the frequency to catch the walkies’ channel.

“-igin is on the first floor, Captain! The second floor has been evacuated.”

“Secure the first floor with Gimenez, Melton!” The Captain’s voice is familiar. The vans in front of him pick up speed on the stretch of road in front of them. “Jones, Nolan, check the basement. Donato, Kinard, feed the hoses.”

The coffee taste in his mouth turns bitter. It feels like a cruel sign from the universe. His coffee sucked and his ex-boyfriend is working a fire a few meters away from him. Bobby better have pancakes, he needs it.

The traffic slows down. He starts to see the flames.

“Cap, there’s a methane leak in the basement.”

“Evacuate the building! Kinard, help cover the perimeter.”

Buck can see Tommy’s large figure jog across the street, to a familiar figure in blue. He swallows around the lump in his throat. He begs to anyone who’ll hear that he won’t have to drive past him, that he won’t have to pretend to be unaffected by his presence, that he won’t have to see the look of indifference in Tommy’s face. Please.

“Cap,” The panicked and breathless voice of one of the firefighters comes through the radio and Buck holds his breath as the van in front of him slows down almost to a stop. “The gas main line is damaged, it’s-”

There’s an explosion right behind him, the car behind him tipping to the side. It’s followed by an explosion from the building. His world shakes. Before he can move out of the car, straighten himself or even take another breath, an explosion sets off right under the van in front of him.

The large van tips over his jeep just as the ground rumbles.

“The ground is unstable!” Tommy. His voice is full of static and he almost wants to smile. “We need to evacuate!”

He can’t believe that he has been having terrible coffee for two months.

He hears the cracks on the pavement over the shouts of the firefighters of the 217. No matter where he goes, he knows what’s going to happen.

He should have fixed his coffee machine months ago instead of waiting for it to magically fix itself. He could have used those extra 15 minutes today.

The ground clatters right under him, he feels that weightless feeling for only a few seconds. His jeep reaches the ground first before everything else joins him. He hears the groaning metal of the van before it tips over him and the world goes dark.

---

The sun has set by the time Buck is following Chimney through Harbor Station’s mostly empty hangar.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Eddie asks as he walks alongside Buck. “Shouldn’t we talk to Hen first?”

“This is the only way,” Chimney says for the millionth time in the past hour. “Besides, I know she’s coming here.”

“You still haven’t told us why, Chim.” Buck points out.

“Howie?”

A large figure in blue walks towards them when he spots them. Chimney beams before winking at Buck and Eddie.

“He is why,” He says before he brings the man in for a back-slapping hug. “Good to see you, man!”

The “why” is a tall, broad man in a dark blue flight suit. He has a wide smile that makes wrinkles appear on the side of his face. The “why” has a cleft. His stomach feels weird.

Maybe he does have food poisoning.

He didn’t actually have the sushi.

“Let me guess,” The man looks amusedly at Chim as he crosses his very large arms over his very broad chest. Hmm. “You need a favour?”

“You make it sound as if I only come to you for favours,” His brother-in-law holds up his hands with an innocent expression on his face. The man raises an eyebrow looking pointedly at Chim. “Fine, fine, I do need a favour.”

The man rolls his eyes good-naturedly, letting his posture relax, hands on his hips. “You’re lucky I owe you, Howie.”

Eddie lets out a pointed cough and Buck could kiss his best friend for how it brings the man’s attention to them. He has blue eyes. They are…really blue.

He needs to remember that he didn’t have the sushi.

“Ah, before we get down to business,” Chim turns so he’s between them. “Guys, this is Tommy Kinard, he used to work at the 118 seven years ago.”

“Eddie Diaz,” The brunette man holds out his hand for Tommy to shake, a friendly smile on their faces. “You used to be at the 118?”

“I did, but that was before I decided flying helicopters was a much better fit.”

“That is so cool,” Buck’s voice comes out breathy and awed without his permission and it brings Tommy’s eyes back to his. That damn sushi. Wait. Buck clears his throat and holds out his hand. “Evan Buckley.”

“Nice to meet you, Evan.”

His hand is warm and calloused. His smile is so damn soft. And his eyes are really blue.

Maybe someone snuck the bad sushi into his stomach on the way here?

“About that favour,” Chim interrupts and Buck almost growls at the loss of Tommy’s hand on his. Damnit. “We really need your help.”

Tommy stands with his arms crossed over his chest, a carefully attentive expression on his face, as Chimney explains what happened and subtly pleads for the pilot’s help. Buck feels Eddie’s eyes on the side of his face and turns to him - reluctantly because who doesn’t want to see those arms stretched over the flight suit? - with a confused frown.

“What?” Buck asks quietly.

“You didn’t-,” Eddie interrupts himself and presses his lips together. Buck feels like he’s been put under a microscope the way his best friend is looking at him. “You good, Buck?”

And his nickname felt like an accusation, like Eddie was poking at something but Buck didn’t get it. His confused frown wrinkled his whole face.

“Wha-”

“Alright, boys,” Tommy’s voice cuts him off with a clap of his large hands. They all turn to him. “Who’s ready to commit a crime?” His grin was wide despite the worry hidden in his face.

Chimney was just delighted as he put up his hand. “I am, I am.”

Eddie laughs as he nods. Buck follows them through the hangar even as he frowns.

“Wait, what are we doing?”

Tommy opens his mouth but Chimney is the one to answer his question. “Tommy here is gonna help us find Cap and Athena.”

Buck’s frown turns into wide eyes as he looks between Chim, Tommy and the sleek helicopter that almost magically appears in front of them - maybe Buck was distracted, maybe it was magic. “You’re flying us?”

Tommy just winks at him, and really there must be a rave going on in his stomach, before opening the door to the helicopter. “Wanna hop in first, Evan?”

And really Buck is too busy grinning widely at Tommy’s offer and making sure he doesn’t fall on his face while getting into the helicopter, to notice Eddie’s suspicious gaze on his back and his muttering of ‘Evan’. But really, there are better things to focus on, like Tommy’s fond look and his deep laugh. Much better things.

And then there was really nothing else to focus on besides not dying on a helicopter in the middle of a hurricane and saving Cap and Athena. But he did get to see Tommy’s smile again, the one that made his face scrunch up in the most adorable way.

And then he was going for his best friend’s ankles like the jealous man he was.

And getting kissed in his kitchen.

Seeing Tommy smile, feeling Tommy’s touches, the way he holds him.

He did end up figuring out his coffee order. It took him five tries.

The new machine made great coffee. Before it broke.

---

Tommy had had crappy coffee before.

Especially at the fire station. Harbor was great but the coffee machine sucked - he’s been a big advocate for getting a new machine. But the budget doesn’t care about his caffeine intake.

Evan learned his coffee order. It took him five tries.

He kinda wished it had taken him longer. He loved to see the expectant look on his face, the way he would frown when Tommy would shake his head, the way his eyes would sparkle with determination as he made some sort of mental note.

He kinda wished he could relive the day he got it right. The way Evan’s eyes widened and his lips stretched into a happy smile, ecstatic, giddy, and the way they high-fived and laughed together. The way Evan moaned and sighed into their kiss as he surely tasted the sweet coffee on Tommy’s mouth. “Great choice, babe”, he had said as he licked his lips.

Now, every coffee sucked. For the past two months, he’s been having coffee at the station, not wanting to risk running into Ev-Buck at their coffee shop.

They had a coffee shop. The barista knew their names and their orders.

He couldn’t go back there alone.

So, fire station coffee would have to do.

Maybe if he continued to punish himself with crappy coffee, he would feel better.

As he followed his Captain’s orders, he still felt the bitter taste of coffee on his tongue. It did its job, it kept him awake, he hadn’t been sleeping well.

“Cap,” Nolan’s voice comes through the radio and Tommy welcomes how it brings his thoughts back to the scene. “There’s a methane leak in the basement.”

“Evacuate the building, now!” His Captain turns to him, a finger pointed towards the police officers already on scene. “Kinard, help cover the perimeter.”

With a nod, Tommy jogs towards the closest police cruiser and almost falters at the familiar figure that turns towards him. Athena Grant raises an eyebrow at him, the only crack in her otherwise professional mask. His heart pounds in his chest.

“Firefighter Kinard.”

His heart is ready to jump out of his throat. “Sergeant Grant,” He nods. “There’s a methane leak in the building, we need to start evacuating people.”

She nods and half-turns towards another officer. “Start working on traffic-”

“Cap,” Tommy falters at the panic in Jones’ voice. “The gas main line is damaged, it’s-”

An explosion startles both him and Athena as they watch a car tip over from the off-center explosion. The fallen vehicle is the third in the line, a van at the front and a Jeep between the two cars. There’s something familiar about the Jeep, maybe the color or the model. Another explosion sets off under the van and it causes it to rear up and fall over the Jeep.

The ground rumbles and Tommy jumps into action.

“The ground is unstable!” He yells at the radio as he rushes to the fallen vehicles, his heart pounding as if it knows something Tommy doesn’t. “We need to evacuate!”

He hears the cracks and watches as the pavement under the Jeep opens making the car fall down. A hand pulls him away as the cracks reach close to his feet. The van falls over the Jeep and his heart stops.

Why? He doesn’t know. There’s a desperation in his body, a numbness spreading all over and he wants to claw out of his body.

“The 118 and 133 are already on their way,” His Captain calls out through the radio. “Sound out.”

Tommy stands paralysed, looking at the cars filling up the hole on the ground, as his colleagues call out through the radio. Most of them are okay, a couple of them got injured but everyone is walking.

“Kinard?” He hears the crackle of his radio like he’s underwater.

“Firefighter Kinard?” Athena calls, pulls on his wrist, tries to catch his eye. “Tommy?”

Tommy frowns, clears his throat, shakes his head. He reaches for his radio. “Kinard here, two vehicles fell into the hole caused by the gas explosion. We need extraction teams.”

“Donato, Melton, get ready with the winch.”

“Tommy?” Athena calls him again.

The sirens have him turning towards the other side of the street, the engines approaching them quickly. The 118 is on scene and his stomach feels weird. He watches as Captain Nash orders everyone around, expecting to see a head of curls rush to comply with orders.

But he’s not there.

Bobby makes his way to where he and Athena are standing. She is still holding his wrist. His old Captain has a frown on his face that is more than just regular work focus.

Something is wrong. His gut pulls at him.

“Is everything okay, Bobby?” Athena asks and finally lets go of him, his body aches.

Bobby looks at Tommy and he expects anger, disappointment or something equally as painful. But he just nods, maybe more tensely than normal, before he turns to Athena, apprehensively. His eyes keep glancing at Tommy and that desperation starts clawing at his throat again.

“Buck didn’t make it to the station-”

Tommy doesn’t wait to hear the rest before he rushes out towards the scene. He vaguely hears the others call out for caution. The van covers the top of the jeep, the angle causing it to hide the driver from where Tommy stands but he sees the van driver move.

Time moves slowly as he carefully walks around the hole until he can see the back of the Jeep. He chokes out a laugh as tears blurry his vision at the sight of the bumper sticker he gave him a month before the breakup. “I am a great ally,” Evan had beamed as he immediately stuck the pink, purple and royal blue sticker on his car. “And I have a great boyfriend to prove it.”

Tommy takes a deep breath, pushing down the memory of that smiling kiss so he can focus. Evan needs him to focus. He grabs the radio as he looks back at a confused Bobby and Athena still where he left them. Tommy sees how Bobby realises what he’ll say before he does.

“The van driver is conscious and moving, Firefighter Buckley is stuck in his Jeep below, no visual on him.”

Everyone starts moving. The van driver is being carefully extracted by Hen and Howie while Eddie hooks the winch onto the van to remove it first. Images of what they’ll find when it’s removed flood his mind, that clawing ripping through his throat, a fist clenching his heart, a stomp on his stomach, his feet unstable.

“Eddie,” Bobby calls through the radio as he stands beside Tommy. “Once you’re done with the van, get strapped in, you’re going down to the Jeep.”

“Bobby-”

Eddie interrupts Tommy’s protest. “Will do, Cap.”

“You’re staying here,” Bobby’s tone brokers no argument as he looks at Tommy. “You’re too close to this.”

“The driver is out,” Howie’s voice comes through the radio. “You can pull the van.”

The sound of the winch echoes all around him as he watches the battered Jeep being revealed from under it. The metal roof has caved in on itself and a hand sticks out from the open window.

It’s his hand. Drops of blood fall from his fingertips.

He remembers the day when Tommy cooked his famous lasagna, the only thing he could cook really, and Evan insisted on doing the dishes. He remembers making Evan laugh, the sound filling his chest with that bubbly feeling he had gotten so used to. He remembers the feel of Evan’s body shaking with laughter under his tickling fingers. He remembers the soapy water falling from his fingertips to the floor as Tommy got Evan’s arms around his neck and kissed him against the counter.

It was a good memory. He wished they were back there. He wishes that the blood would be replaced by soapy water and the sounds of sirens and yelled out orders would be replaced by laughter.

“Get strapped in, Eddie.” Bobby says through the radio. It echoes. Tommy frowns.

Tommy’s hand wraps tightly on his radio. “Firefighter Buckley!”

The sound echoes all around the scene and he hears his voice from inside the Jeep. Evan’s fingers twitch, barely a move, but it’s there.

“He’s alive, Bobby,” Tommy turns towards his former Captain, uncaring for the desperation in his voice. “Did you see that?”

Bobby is frowning, a concerned look on his face as he meets Tommy’s eyes. “Eddie is almost ready,” He must see the way Tommy gets more restless. “Tommy.” He warns.

Tommy clenches and unclenches his toes, wanting to follow orders, he was made to follow orders. “Buckley!” He calls through the radio again, the fingers twitch again.

He hears Eddie curse, hears the harness fall to the ground from fumbling fingers. It’s taking too long.

“Buck,” The name tastes bitter on his tongue, he misses the sweet taste of Evan, of his perfected coffee, of him. “Come on!”

Eddie curses again. Tommy stops moving his toes, his body tenses. Bobby turns towards his clumsy firefighter - sure that it’s nerves and worry that has him failing a task he had to have done a million and one times before. It’s taking too long.

Tommy’s boots thud on the unsteady ground below before calls of his name can start from above. He stumbles from the sudden movement, balancing himself with a hand on the car.

He begs to whoever hears that the last time he saw Evan wasn’t the last time, that he will see him smile again, that he will hear his voice again, even if it isn’t for him. Even if it isn’t Tommy making him smile, talking to him, he just wants Evan to be okay.

Tommy falters before he takes hold of Evan’s hand, his fingers trembling before he wraps it tightly on his. “Please!” He resists the temptation to kiss the hand in his, sucks in a deep breath instead before he turns towards the inside of the truck.

The breath he was taking gets stuck on his throat. Half of Evan’s face is covered in blood from a gash at his hairline. A vision straight from one of his nightmares. His other arm is bent at a strange angle and there are cuts all over his exposed flesh, a large one running down his bicep.

“Tommy?” Bobby’s voice crackles on his radio and the one in Evan’s car, the terrified tone in his voice clear and duplicated.

Tommy’s hand trembles when he reaches for Evan’s neck, fingers pressing on his pulse point. A relieved breath almost causes his knees to buckle.

“He’s got a pulse,” He swears he feels the collective relief of the 118. “Uh, several cuts and bruises, head injury and uh, probably dislocated shoulder.”

“I’ll prepare the extraction team, see if you can get him to wake up.”

“Evan,” Tommy lets the desperation take over, reaches inside the car to unbuckle the seatbelt before he cups Evan’s cheek. “Evan!”

His skin feels sweaty from the heat of the explosions, feels hot. He never thought he would be able to touch Evan again, much less like this. His thumb rubs over his bottom lip, hoping it would cause his mouth to open like it had before, like it always did. It doesn’t now.

Tommy feels a tear running down his cheek. All this time drinking crappy coffee when he could have been having coffee in Evan’s kitchen. In Tommy’s kitchen when they would’ve found a space on his counter for the fancy coffee machine. He could be having cinnamon-flavoured kisses against their kitchen counter if he hadn’t let his fears speak louder than his desires.

“Please,” His voice comes out as barely a whisper and he hears the mechanism for the winch above them. “Come back to me.”

Eddie’s hand on his shoulder carefully pulls him away from the car, his eyes understanding, frightened, pleading, making Tommy take several steps back. Evan’s fingers on his twitch and just as he can no longer hold his hand, Evan’s eyes flutter open.

Tommy’s knees buckle and he grabs hold of the car as Eddie forces the door open with the jaws. The sound drowns out Evan’s pained groans, each of them breaking Tommy’s heart bit by bit. The two of them get Evan situated on the board and Tommy has to look away. He feels a different hand on his shoulder. Howie.

Wordlessly, his old friend helps to pull him out of the hole his ex-boyfriend almost died in. A shout of pain rings loudly in his ears when Hen feels for Evan’s shoulder.

Evan passes out from the pain, Hen and Howie rushing to the ambulance after that. He feels unmoored, the car doors snapping the ropes holding him to shore. Tommy feels Bobby’s strong hand on his shoulder and he allows him to guide him back to shore.

“Let’s go, kid.”

Everything else after that is a haze of sirens, of a blurry LA through the engine windows. He feels Bobby’s stare from where he’s sitting on the back of the truck, next to a silent Eddie. He shouldn’t be there, he’s not part of the 118 anymore.

He doesn’t move.

He crosses the glass doors side by side with Bobby and Eddie, following Evan’s stretcher.

This time there isn’t an enthusiastic kiss greeting him on the other side. This time there isn’t a strong hand on his leading him to an impromptu wedding.

This time there’s hard waiting room chairs, there’s blood on his hands, there’s silence.

He sits with the rest of the 118.

He waits to hear if he’ll be having crappy fire station coffee for the rest of his life. Tommy would happily drink all crappy fire station coffee so long as Evan makes it through this. So long as Evan is able to make the cinnamon-flavoured coffee Tommy loves, even if it’s for someone else.

---

He has a concussion, a dislocated shoulder and fractured rib but Evan is awake.

Tommy keeps his eyes on the doctor informing Bobby and the rest of the team. Lets out a breath of relief along with the others, before he lets doubt, unease settle in.

He feels Bobby glance at him with thinned lips, almost pleading but Tommy doesn’t catch his eye. He has no rights, not the way Bobby does.

Eddie follows Bobby and the doctor to Evan’s room.

Tommy doesn’t move, he hasn’t moved since they got there. He can’t.

Hen and Howie glance at him, barely audible whispers between them, he can feel it.

His hands still have Evan’s blood on them. It’s dried by now, it’s become part of his skin. He wants to keep it there, he wants to never see it again. He stands up abruptly, the whispers quiet and he feels their eyes on him as he walks away.

Tommy should leave, should go back home, back to the station - he hadn’t talked to his Captain. He shouldn’t be there. Evan had his family with him. Tommy wasn’t family, he was an ex, he was nothing. And yet, standing in front of the automatic glass doors, he couldn’t take that step.

His eyes struggle to adjust to the harsh lighting of the hospital bathroom as he makes his way to the sink. He doesn’t look up as he turns the tap, sure that his hair is a mess, he feels sweaty and he has seen them enough times to know there are bruises under his eyes from his sleepless nights. He takes a deep breath and places his hands under the warm water.

The water runs red as Tommy cleans all of Evan’s blood from his hands, a slow movement, hypnotising really. All it does is remind him of Evan’s face hidden by a stream of blood, his fingers barely moving dripping blood, the sounds of his pain.

He’s alive, he reminds himself. In a room, a few feet from where he stands, Evan is awake and around family. And yet, all Tommy can see is blood. Evan was so restless, to see him so still, to see him so quiet, cries of pain where he usually heard laughter.

Evan is alive and yet Tommy tastes the bitter taste in his tongue, tastes the heartbreak he caused, tastes the pain he deserves, not Evan, never Evan.

His hands clench around the sides of the sink and that’s when Tommy feels how unstable his legs are, when he feels the tears falling onto the sink, when he hears the sobs shaking his body.

The sound of rushing water stops and someone removes his hands from their tight grip on the sink before they pull him towards a warm embrace. There’s a hand behind his head and another at his back. Tommy knows the embrace, it isn’t familiar, they’ve never hugged like this before - it doesn’t stop him from unleashing his fear against the man’s neck -, but he knows it.

Bobby doesn’t try to quiet him, simply keeps a tight hold on him, one hand running up and down Tommy’s spine, the other massaging the back of his neck.

“He’s been at the hospital so many times,” Bobby says when Tommy’s sobs quiet down, when his breathing is finally under control. “That I forget you haven’t been through this before.”

“I don’t think I want to again,” Tommy’s voice is rough and he clears his throat as he slowly disengages from the hug. “Seeing him like that, I-I thought he was dead, I-”

“Yeah,” Bobby nods and in his eyes, Tommy sees understanding, sees a person who saw exactly what Tommy did. Who’s probably had to see it a few times before. “But he’s a fighter.”

Tommy nods, wiping his tears. He knew Evan was a fighter, he reminded himself of that as he waited for news in the waiting room. It didn’t stop him from imagining the worst case scenario.

“I thought you left,” Bobby says after a moment, head tilting to catch Tommy’s gaze but he refuses, looking towards the bathroom corner instead. “Hen and Chim said you got up and left.”

“I almost did.”

Bobby nods as if he knows, as if he really knows. “It would’ve been easier if you had.”

“He doesn’t need me here, he doesn’t want me here,” Tommy says and hates how small his voice sounds, hates that he deserves to feel this way, hates that it’s true. “He has all of you and I’m n-”

“He asked about you,” Bobby interrupts him and Tommy inhales sharply. “He said he heard you calling for him, asked where you were.”

Tommy tries to find the lie in Bobby’s eyes. He doesn’t, never thought the man would lie about something like this. Tommy shakes his head, his heart pounding in his chest, refusing the truth, desperately holding onto the lie. “No, no, h-he-”

Bobby’s hand finds the side of his face, forcing Tommy to look at him. He sees the fear reflected in the older man’s face, knows that seeing Evan like that was just as hard for him as it was for Tommy.

“He’s been asking for you, Tommy,” Bobby repeats, forcing him to believe the words. “You have a decision to make now. You can either go through those glass doors and I’ll tell Buck that he imagined hearing you,” The tone and frown on his former Captain’s face tells him exactly what he thinks about that plan. “Or you go into that room and you explain yourself, you make it right because Buck hasn’t been himself since you two broke up.”

“Neither have I.” Tommy confesses, a barely there whisper.

“So,” Bobby takes a step back, looks at him with subtle scrutiny. “What’s your choice?”

Tommy could leave. He could go out those doors and out of Evan’s life for good.

He had done it before, hadn't he? He had left Evan in his loft, a pained expression on his face. He had ignored how each step away from Evan ached and burned him from the inside. He had done it to free Evan, to let him explore the world, to let him find something, someone, better than Tommy. Because Evan was sunshine and, at best, Tommy was a cloudy day.

And yet, as he thought of the last two months, of the pain, the heartache, the sleepless nights, the crappy coffee, he knew. Tommy couldn’t handle another lifetime of what he only had a taste of. He couldn’t handle a lifetime of pain, of heartache, of sleepless nights, of crappy coffee. Not when he finally tasted the sweetness of cinnamon-flavoured coffee, of warm nights with Evan’s weight on top of him, of a chest full of love, of sunshine.

He loved him. He loves him still.

And maybe Evan wouldn’t take him back, that would have to be okay. Because, Tommy knew, Evan was one of a kind, he was everything, and he’d rather have him in his life just a little than nothing at all.

---

Tommy hears the beeping of the Holter monitor before he walks through the open door. Evan is sitting up in the hospital bed, bandages covering one side of his forehead almost covering left eye, birthmark hidden. His arm is in a sling and he can see the bulk of bandages wrapped around his torso under the hospital gown.

Once he notices Tommy’s silent presence, his bright blue eyes land on him and Tommy feels like he can breathe again and like there is no oxygen in the room. What a ridiculous notion.

“I thought I had imagined it,” Evan confesses, his tone unreadable and that was unnatural - he was usually so expressive. “I thought Bobby was about to come in and tell me that I imagined your voice after the face he pulled.”

“Y-You were caught in a gas line explosion,” Tommy clears his voice, hates how professional his voice sounds, impersonal, he never spoke to Evan this way. “I was already at the scene, you got crushed under a van after the ground caved under your car.”

Evan nods, his eyes never leaving Tommy. He feels exposed to the intense gaze of the younger man, he wants to hide, wants him to see it all, see the things Tommy can’t say.

“Eddie told me you were the one to know I was under there.”

Evan knows. Tommy is sure Evan knows exactly what happened, knows what went through his brain during the whole thing but he wants Tommy to say it. It’s almost cruel, it’s actually genius.

“I saw your bumper sticker,” Tommy explains and Evan smiles, that soft smile he would have when Tommy made him breakfast in bed, when Tommy would kiss his birthmark. He can’t kiss his birthmark now.

“I felt it,” Tommy confesses and Evan stills. He can be brave. “I was at the scene and I saw the Jeep and I-I felt something was wrong. The ground caved in and I felt it,” Tommy takes a deep breath and he really thought he didn’t have any more tears. “When the 118 appeared and you weren’t there, I knew.”

“Eddie said you jumped in without a harness,” Evan admits and Tommy wonders how Bobby would have ever been able to hide Tommy’s presence when Eddie had already made it impossible. “Y-you shouldn’t have done that.”

Tommy takes a few steps towards the bed, standing at the foot of it, right next to Evan’s left foot. “I couldn’t have stopped myself even if I wanted to,” He felt ripped open. He knew that if he wanted to stop the pain, he would have to fight for this, for them.

“And I didn’t want to. If I could, I would have swapped places with you in the blink of an eye. Bu-Evan,” And god, it felt right to call him that to his face again. Evan seemed to think so too. “I love you.” It was like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, and it could end up badly but he had said it. He had finally said the words that for the last four months of their relationship had been begging and fighting to get out even if it was way too soon then.

The Holter monitor beeps faster at Tommy’s confession and Evan sighs in annoyance. He wants to laugh, wants to tease Evan for not being able to hide the way his heart reacts to his confession but he can’t, it’s too important to rely on the beeps of a machine.

“I have been having shit coffee for the past two months.”

Tommy lets out a startled laugh at Evan’s confession, even as his heart tightens in anxiety. He scratches the back of his neck as he nods. “So have I.”

“Tommy,” Evan calls and he looks up at the man he loves. His eyes are wide and he looks overwhelmed and Tommy is regretting his confession - not what he said, just the timing. “I-I thought I had to be this perfect person to be with you, to be as perfect as you-”

Tommy shakes his head, trying to push away the memory of the conversation they had in the loft. “Evan, I-”

“No, please, let me,” Evan interrupts and Tommy takes a deep steadying breath before he nods. He prepares himself. “I thought I had to be perfect but you never saw me as perfect and I think finding out about Abby made me realise how you aren’t perfect either.”

Tommy crosses his arms, holds himself together.

“But you never actually tried to be perfect for me either,” Evan continues and groans in frustration. “I don’t know if I’m making sense and I really don’t want to say the wrong thing again,” Tommy raises his eyebrow and Evan lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “Tommy, I told you I admired you.”

Tommy mirrors his laugh, remembering how that word felt like a stab to the gut. “Yeah, that was…yeah.”

“When what I should have told you was that I can see a future with you,” Evan explains and Tommy turns sharply to him, to his soft smile and bright eyes. “That your happiness is just as important to me as mine, that your concerns are my concerns, that I think about you when you’re not around.”

Tommy’s vision blurs and he blinks his eyes to clear them. “Evan-”

“Josh asked me if I loved you the day we…talked,” Evan continues and his hand twitches.

Tommy can still remember the blood dripping from his fingertips and holds his hand to try and stop those visions. Evan smiles and grips his hand back and that brings back memories of their hands clasped together as they walked, as they slept, as they relaxed. It slowly extinguishes the bad memories.

“He did?”

Evan nods and his thumb rubs over Tommy’s knuckles. God, it feels good.

“I freaked out when he asked,” He lets out that guilty laugh again and Tommy frowns. “And I just realised that all the things he asked me instead just spelled out how down bad I was for you,” Their eyes meet and Tommy takes in the soft, happy smile on Evan’s face. “How in love with you I am.”

Tommy tries to keep his trembling to a minimum as his free hand cups Evan’s cheek. He rubs his thumb slowly, a barely-there movement, on his cheek and it catches on Evan’s bottom lip. His lips part and Tommy’s hold on Evan’s face tightens. He forces himself to take a deep breath, to hold back.

“Evan, I don’t need you to be perfect, I just need you to be you, that’s who I fell for,” Tommy says and watches as Evan’s eyes shine with unshed tears, he nods.

“I never wanted you to be perfect, Tommy, I just wanted the man who made fake mouth static at the fire chief,” Evan grins and Tommy lets out a watery laugh. “The man who watched me maim my best friend and still decided to kiss me, the man who made me happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

Tommy was done holding back, he would break apart if he held back another minute longer. He steps closer to the bed and watches as Evan’s eyes spark as he tips his head up, expecting the kiss and Tommy grins.

“I love you so much.” Tommy whispers, face inches from Evan’s.

They still have a lot to talk about. A past to share, expectations, desires, boundaries, all of that. And they will. They will talk and come out stronger than ever. They will talk over perfect coffee and share cinnamon-flavoured kisses when they’re done.

They will never have crappy coffee again.

“I love you too.” Evan whispers back.

And maybe cinnamon-flavoured aren’t as sweet as love-declaration kisses but who says they can’t have both?

#carolina writes #bucktommy #bucktommy fic #tevan #tevan fic #crash that jeep #evan buckley #tommy kinard #bobby nash

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