#(Even if I would prefer dynamic detail changes as a result.)

[cozymochi]

may ask how Nyoka like with female students?

(I‘m going to guess on what this is asking, since I’m not entirely sure 😭)

There are no female students at Night Raven College, it’s an all-boys school. Excluding possibly the Ramshackle Prefect depending on perspective since MC/Grim duo student thing in itself is supposed to be an anomaly/exception to the norm and that goes both ways. But, general rule of thumb I operate under is that there’s really no “female students” to interact with… cuz there aren’t any.

THAT SAID, for open-campus stuff where the public is allowed to cross into NRC, or if he ventures out to the town— Nyoka… he treats women politely. He’s from Sunset Savanna, so that’s a given. I guess “butler-like” is as much of a descriptor as I can use on the vibe he’ll evoke if approached. He’s not going to be rude by any measure, but I wouldn’t automatically call it warm either (despite how he may present himself), he’s still distant. Just polite and might be more complimentary.

Maybe the mob girls from the Foothill Town like that sorta thing. I choose to believe he’s aware of any effect he has, but at the same time I don’t really know. I guess I’ll leave that open? I don’t have much to say about it.

AAGH, I I WAnted to be more interesting but I really don’t have a strong answer

[ddarker-dreams]

lock's otome game recs

i received some asks indicating an interest in a compilation of my favorite otome games, so i decided to go for it!! i've played about fourteen otome games, but of those fourteen, only these six left a lasting impression on me. there are still some that i intend to check out, so the rankings may update in the future. i'll give a very general overview of each game and how i'd score the categories that i find the most important in an otome game — the heroine, story, art, enjoyability, along with the characters i liked the most.

number 6 - piofiore fated memories.

heroine: 6/10 story: 6.5/10 characters: 7/10 art: 10/10 enjoyability: 8/10 favorite characters: dante (ishikawa kaito), nicola (kimura ryouhei) and yang (okamoto nobuhiko)

this game centers around the heroine, with the default name liliana adornato, who finds herself entangled in the politics of the region's three most prominent crime organizations. the game has an italian backdrop and iirc, takes place in the 1930s.

the overarching narrative, while it has its fair share of intrigue, isn't the game's strongest point. it's the interactions with the characters themselves that made the game feel worthwhile. each love interest has more to them than what meets the eye, so it's satisfying to watch the relationship between them and the heroine develop.

the heroine takes a passive role throughout much of the game, events sorta just happen to her. still, she has a kind disposition that makes her likable and doesn't make stupid decisions that has you wanting to fling your console across the room. her characterization changes slightly depending on the route. for instance, without getting into spoilers, she's more assertive throughout yang's route. the resulting dynamic made yang's route the most memorable, even if he's my third favorite character from the bunch.

what feels unique to this game is the effort put into the bad endings. in most visual novels, bad endings can feel like gimmicks. you make one or two wrong decisions and you're rewarded with a few paragraphs. the downward spiral of the characters in the bad endings are decently fleshed out and you can see how they arrived at this 'worst' version of themselves. they're suitably dark and it shouldn't come as a surprise that i enjoyed them because of that 😭

then there's the art. it's stunning, the details in each CG are mindboggling. the heroine gets to wear a variety of pretty outfits which is something i like to see. even in the story's weaker moments, a stunning CG would pop up that had me forgiving everything. i still glance through the gallery to this day.

number five - cupid parasite.

heroine: 9.5/10 story: 7/10 characters: 7/10 art: 9/10 enjoyability: 9/10 favorite characters: ryuki keisaiin (junya enoki) & gill lovecraft (kimura ryouhei)

iconic. showstopping. a little bit camp.

cupid parasite stars one of my favorite heroines, lynette. she works as a bridal advisor whose ambition is to ensure everyone finds their soulmate. in actuality, she's the goddess cupid, who left her post in celestia to better understand humanity and create lasting pairs. she's a delight to play as.

this game's presentation and overall aesthetic is the most distinct from any otome game i've played. aside from the presentation, the story itself is unlike any of the others on this list. when it comes to romance, i typically prefer them to be dark and mature. this game opts for a more lighthearted approach. it vacillates between being a romcom and dipping into the absurdist genre. there were times i was literally left speechless (glances at gill's route)... but it makes for an entertaining experience. the game's plenty funny as well.

personally, i enjoyed the more grounded moments when the mythological elements remained in the background. because of this, the true ending doesn't do it for me as much as they do in other games. as with anything, this is a personal preference though. i liked all of the routes and found the game handles the development of each love interest well. we're introduced to these men at their most pathetic and get to help them become a little more well-adjusted. lowering the cringe meter, if you will. it makes their growth all the most satisfying as the narrative progresses.

number four - even if tempest.

heroine: 9/10 story: 8.5/10 characters: 8/10 art: 6/10 enjoyability: 9/10 favorite characters: the heroine herself, tyril i lister (noriaki sugiyama), crius castlerock (makoto furukawa) and lucien neuschburn (kaito ishikawa)

right from the get-go, this game's premise had me hooked. it features the heroine, anastasia (<3!), who leads an incredibly tragic life. she's bestowed the ability to reverse time following each of her deaths and uses this to unravel a mess of mysteries the world's setting is tangled in.

this game is absolutely anastasia's story. without spoiling anything, i loved the approach they took with the time rewinding ability. how it's incorporated is unique to an otome game, which they take full advantage of to amplify the tragic romances. on that note, the romance itself occasionally takes a backseat to the narrative as a whole. personally, i didn't mind this in the moment, since i found the story so interesting. in retrospect, i do wish that we got more moments between the heroine and each love interest, especially in the true ending.

there are more gameplay elements here as well. you have to conduct investigations, gather evidence, and apply what you've learned during these trial segments. when i first read about this, i thought it'd be a gimmick, but i liked playing through them. it incentivizes you to pay extra close attention to the world.

while i liked the narrative as a whole, i do wish we got more worldbuilding. there are hints of political subterfuge and religious oligarchy that, while touched upon, could've been leaned into more to give the setting a distinct feeling.

number three - olympia soiree

heroine: 8/10 story: 8/10 characters: 8/10 art: 10/10 enjoyability: 10/10 favorite characters: akaza (yoshitsugu matsuoka), himuka (shun horie), and yosuga (yuma uchida)

in olympia soirée, the eponymous heroine, olympia, lives in a society divided into castes based on colors. she is the last surviving member of a clan that can perform rituals to keep the sun aglow. this game is a lengthier title, i believe i clocked in around 25 ish hours (i don't use auto-play so that sheds some time). the story benefits from this, as olympia has rich worldbuilding and lore that's revealed throughout the route's progression.

we get to see the consequences of this caste system and olympia's growth as she becomes determined to realize a better future for the islands. this makes the heroine someone that you want to root for. personally, i'm a sucker for stories that center around a sheltered individual being forced to face the harsh realities of the world and maturing in their own way. this, paired with the struggles specific to this setting, make for a gripping backdrop for the character's routes. all the love interests have problems of their own that they need to address.

this is certainly a mature title, there's plenty of steamy scenes featuring gorgeous artwork. seriously... all the pretty CGs are absolute eye candy. i enjoyed the balance between the main narrative and the development of the romantic relationships, i don't remember ever feeling bored.

ironically enough, i think this is the darkest game from the bunch listed here, surpassing the game with actual horror elements. there's a whole litany of trigger warnings to be mindful of when going through the game's bad ends. they are, as the term suggests, Bad. not light or humorous in the slightest. the poor heroine goes through it. please be mindful of these more touchy subjects.

number two - 9 r.i.p

heroine: 8/10 story: 8/10 characters: 9/10 art: 10/10 enjoyability: 10/10 favorite characters: minami (nobuhiko okamoto), hibiki (shunichi toki), kureha (toshiki masuda), and koyo (ryota suzuki)

i was looking forward to the english localization of this game before it was even announced ... i'd been wanting an otome game with this vibe for ages. and it didn't disappoint! there are four different overarching story sections, with two characters each having their routes fall under them. this makes it difficult to give a summary since each route has a vastly different feel. some routes lean heavy into supernatural horror (such as hibiki and kureha), whereas others are just... supernatural (like with yukimaro and koharu).

the basic premise is that the main character, misa, is a high school girl burdened with her career survey. she's uncertain what she wants for the future and is being pressured by his mother to pursue a career in medicine. in one way or another, depending on the story section, she comes into contact with the afterlife and those who inhabit it.

i loved this game, i couldn't put it down. the routes that leaned heavy into horror were my favorites, which shouldn't be a surprise lol. i do feel some love interests were given preferential treatment of others, i wanted more from sena's storyline in particular, since he's voiced by one of my favorite VAs (tetsuya kakihara, the voice of scaramouche) 😭... apparently this game is receiving a fandisc, so hopefully they'll remedy that in the future.

minami stole the show for me. from what i've gauged online, he's a divisive character, you either find him grating or love him (like i do). i'm biased but i do think he has the most interesting and well-written story out of the love interests, i've played through it three times already. i just adored the dynamic between him and the heroine. he's petulant, selfish, and a bit immature, yet he goes to extremes for her as he realizes his unhinged feelings.

hibiki is a close second. the most yandere-coded of the bunch, he's soft-spoken and polite, but that exterior hides a creepy personality. like all of the characters in this game, there's a tragic element to him. i was worried about the role the heroine would play in helping him 'overcome' this, but i think they handled it well. it doesn't feel like the heroine's fixing him so much as she's helping him have a different perspective on certain events.

yeah i'm not normal about this game, i cannot recommend it enough. it would've taken the top slot if some of the routes were a bit more polished. i didn't care for yukimaro's at all, for example. routes like minami's, hibiki's, and koyo's more than make up for it though.

number one - collar x malice

heroine: 10/10 story: 10/10 characters: 10/10 art: 10/10 enjoyability: 10/10 favorite characters: takeru sasazuka (daisuke namikawa), kei okazaki (yuki kaji), and aiji yanagi (masakazu morita)

the holy grail. the otome games that died for our sins. this isn't just a good otome game, it's an excellent story, with a very human cast, commentary on issues like the nature of crime, and you're left wanting to solve the various mysterious as much as the heroine does. speaking of the heroine, miss hoshino ichika is my all-time favorite heroine. she's clever, resolute, compassionate, and you can't help but fall in love with her a little yourself 😭😭

i'm not sure if this makes sense, but the world feels very... full? you get this sense that ichika exists outside just interacting with the love interests. she has her career, friends, and her younger brother that act as more than passing NPCs. the writers ensured all the characters with portraits are given some level of depth. i left caring about more characters than the heroine and love interests.

each route is dedicated to working through a certain case, which keeps the story intriguing as you progress. finally, all of the little hints that have been littered throughout coalesce into the 'true' route, where questions you've had since the first chapter are given satisfactory conclusions. at the same time, you're left wondering about a few things, such as the complete philosophy of the main antagonist.

ichika's relationship with each of the love interests develops alongside the case they're investigating, which almost always have connections or parallels to the LI's past. this helped ground them in reality and flesh them out into dynamic characters. you come to care deeply about them alongside ichika. the romance feels earned and doesn't come on too fast, which some otome games suffer from.

if you like otome games and haven't played collar x malice yet, i fully recommend it!!!!!!!! it's the strongest title from what i've played so far.

[multidimensionalguidance]

Where does your spouse come from? Part 2

This is the continuation of Part 1 where I've mentioned where the 7th house lord can move and how this can give us insights of the country where they might come from (if they are foreigners), and a lot of other details in regards to our romantic partnerships. I've already covered from Aries/1H to Virgo/6H, and will continue with the rest.

Remember to take a look at where your 7th house lord is moving. Where is the planet that rules that sign sitting, and what are other planetary aspects is it receiving as well. Is it in a friendly sign or not? Is the house beneficial or not?

Note: I use sidereal calculations, so for the most accurate results on this it would be preferred for calculations to be adjusted.

First of all, it is always good to start with intuitively choosing the countries you’ve always been curious or lured towards. Cultures you’d like to get to understand and explore! Click this link to look at the dates of independence or incorporation dates of those countries to see if it matches the lord of your 7th house.

Second, please pay EXTRA attention to this descriptions the most if your 7th house lord is in the 9th house or 12th house. Look for the planet or sign that resides there in order to get an even more accurate prediction.

Lastly, even if your 7th house lord falls in any other house, these descriptions will still aid you towards understanding your protentional romantic, business, or any other type of close relationships.

Libra/7H: Turkey, Poland, Amsterdam, Berlin, Panama, Antigua and Barbuda, and Austria all have Sun in Libra. These are some of the countries your spouse might be from or related to through family. They will be very social or at the very least aware of how social dynamics function. They care about their appearance and will feel uncomfortable not presenting themselves within their preferred aesthetics. They will enjoy art or be quite creative themselves, so do expect dates that revolve this sort of activities. Communicating with others in a non-conflictive way is a very big thing, and perhaps it is the way their environment encouraged them to be as well. They will be smooth talkers, and express themselves in a politically correct manner. You might meet them in a place that feels harmonious, in the sense of following a certain aesthetic. Other people might introduce them to you or they might be a small push required from others (or even you) to make them feel comfortable enough with approaching you full force. They could come from places that are pleasing visually, and where people enjoy fine arts. There's a sort of "poshness" to their surroundings that promotes elegance in general, so that will influence them as well. They will enjoy windy weathers and food that looks and taste good (emphasis on the first than the latter). They will have a very good appearance or at the very least maintain a "clean" look. Most of their features will be somewhat softer, and it will be noticeable in their gaze. They use their eyes to attract others, knowingly or not. They'll probably identify the wifey qualities within you quite fast, and will make it known the way they feel. If this house or planet is not heavily afflicted, then finding a business or marriage partner should not be too difficult to achieve at all.

Scorpio/8H: Lebanon, Thailand, Finland, Iceland, Albania, United Arab Emirates, Monaco, Kenya, and Barbados, could be one of the countries that your spouse might be from or enjoy a lot. They will have a secretive/reserved nature which makes them quite alluring. They will come from an environment that encouraged a lot of chaotic changes, and forced them to develop defensive mechanisms that relay on control tactics. Their weather could be as well quite changing in nature or experience many chaotic natural events. You will meet them in private places or within a small gathering. As simple as a small group of friends visiting a beach or river. It could also be after one or both of you just experienced really difficult situations. After some sort of transformation occurred where one or both had to mentally set themselves to heal/grow. You might engage in secret or very close conversations that will allow feelings to develop quickly and intensely. They might enjoy risky situations that drive adrenaline through the roof. Spicy food or heavily relied on meat/protein could be a big part of their diet. You and your partner are prone to being obsessive and desire to control each others feelings to a certain degree, just for the sake of creating a false sense of comfort. This connections will be karmic by nature and sometimes necessary for our growth, so be aware of the difficulties and learn when to let go for your own sake. They might have sharp features, a very intense gaze, and an aura that is felt by others. They are also more prone to having dark hair or eyes. There will also be material growth or a focus towards each others resources, but be mindful to not allow others to use you entirely for financial gains nor attempt to do the same yourself. All of your connections will naturally have darker and taboo themes sitting on the surface to be explored. You will enjoy or have some fixation for each others body, specifically the sexual zones. Chemistry is not the same as connection, so be mindful of that since not everyone is a fit for serious relationships simply because the sexual aspects are very positive.

Sagittarius/9H: UK, Haiti, Brunei, Bulgaria, Qatar, Cuba, Sudan, Slovenia, and Kazakhstan are some of the countries where they might be from or strongly feel connected to for some way. They are adventurous, restless, optimistic, funny, well cultured, and spiritual in some way. They might come from environments that are very traditionally tied to religion or spiritual institutions, temples, etc. They might be used to being perceived or surrounded by foreigners as well, which allows them to adapt easily to others and be familiar with different languages. You'll meet in an airport, temples, university or education areas, ceremonies (like a wedding), legal departments, at a bank, etc. They'll enjoy going to different places, be it doing sports, trying new cuisines, and overall just staying busy. You both will most likely travel together, or there might be some distance between the two of you at some point. This is a connection that will broaden your horizons and allow you both to evolve spiritually. Their appearance will be different from your native country, so they will definitely be a foreigner with looks that make them stand out. Expect them to be tall, possibly have green eyes and/or to be fit. They might love horses or learned how to ride horses when they were young. You might become more spiritual or devoted to a religion after meeting them or after marriage. Your partner/spouse will definitely be traditional, even if they have an open mind and avoid placing judgement on situations they are unfamiliar with. They will pay extra attention to your thighs and butt, so don't be surprise if they stare too hard or mention it directly. You are both going to push each other to achieve a higher awareness or consciousness. The laughs and jokes will also be plenty as well, and that will help a lot when dealing with any difficulties in the relationship, but just make sure to not sweep things under the rug.

Capricorn/10H: Buenos Aires, Singapore, Romania, New Zealand, Grenada, and Nauru might be some of the countries your partner/spouse might be from or have a connection with. They are responsible, career oriented, structured, service oriented, grounded, and the type to show their love by actions rather than words. They might come from environments that were rough or challenging to be around, in the sense that the weather or people could be harsh to deal with. People might think they're older than his actual age, and not necessarily due to appearance but the way they think, speak, move, and behave. They simply have a very mature personality and this is mainly because they had to grow up fast and their parents were probably very demanding or not as present as they should have. Expect them to be around people that have authority or coworkers. You might meet them in governmental institutions or spaces, abandoned places, a city hall, at work, at the chiropractors, and overall in any public space. They probably prefer to eat the same type of food with little variety, but they like high quality places that feel and look luxurious. Your connection will be karmic by nature and initially might feel too serious or difficult. Now, it does promise longevity and growth towards your career, profession, and status. Your partner/spouse will enjoy his work a lot and socializing with people as well, but despite the fame or notoriety they might have they'll enjoy being alone with you the most. They will be the type to externally seem very outgoing, yet actually prefer being introverted or away from the public, an this happens due to the excessive time that they invest in working with others. In terms of appearance, they might be medium in heigh, have a sharp gaze, strong legs, and brown/dark colored eyes. There's a good chance they'll be older than you, if not in age, then definitely in their way of thinking or seeing life. You might end up meeting their parents soon in the relationship as well. The both of you will have to put some necessary efforts to make the relationship work, as there will be challenges in the way. The relationship will be very public or known by others even if you both try to be lowkey about it, so be careful to not allow others to get in the way.

Aquarius/11H: Lithuania, Saint Lucia, Ghana, Dominican Republic, Wales, Estonia and Kuwait are some of the countries they might be from or associated to in some way. They'll be independent, creative, innovative, cunning, friendly yet introverted, and have many niche interest. Their environment might have random and unexpected weather changes, which fits their own nature as well. It's likely their surroundings taught them to be flexible, open minded, and comfortable with being themselves. They will be very experimental with their food, and might even have a bit of an odd yet interesting taste. Their preference in music will be *chef's kiss* so you'll be adding their playlist to your favorites and sharing music often. You might meet them through your friends, the internet, social media, networking circle, NGO's, charities, inside an airplane, at a tech facility, or at any big events. They'll be popular and probably well known by others, be it because of their impressive skills or simply for who they are. They are the type to be very close to their friends and alliances because thanks to them they are able to progress through life. You will learn the value of being part of a community and planning long term towards your future investments. You will both pursue your dreams and long term goals together. They might be the type to give you many gifts in all shapes and form. Surprising you and putting a smile on your face with their quirks will always be a goal for them. In terms of appearance they might look different, but not in a bad way, rather that there is something about them that makes them look like they do not belong to this world. One of the main themes of your relationships will be about independence and freedom. Your partner/spouse does not like to feel restricted or boxed in, so if you're the clingy type then the more negative aspects might show up with them pulling away or putting some distance. Communication is essential in all relationships, but with your partner it will be even more so. They will prefer you to be straight forward and blunt, even if it might seem rude, but do no worry because they are experts at listening, understanding, and finding a solution.

Pisces/12H: Hungary, Ireland, Iran, Greece, Denmark, and Pakistan are some of the countries that they might be related or connected to in some way. They'll be dreamy, artistic, inspirational, bubbly, and very physic. Their environment might have been uprooted in spiritual or religious beliefs, similarly to Sagittarius/9H, but the difference is that they are more likely to follow those traditions to such depths that it might lead them to "lose" themselves or develop escapist intentions behind it. They might have visited temples or churches growing up, so they are usually very accepting of others. In terms of the physical surroundings they might have grown around big sources of water (lakes, beaches, ponds, etc) or visited them often. If they are not allergic to any sea food, then they will eat it a lot. They enjoy their privacy and despite their ability to camouflage in different groups they will only confide the most in themselves or you. You might meet them a church, temple, a club, close to large bodies of water, foreign lands, hospital, asylum, or even places where they legally sell recreational dr*gs. There will be a sense of mystery or unknown in the relationship, where you or your partner feel as if you're unsure where the connection is leading which might be confusing. They might have a history of using substances or doing things that are not seen well by the law. You will feel like despite their past and background it is easy for you to look past it all and be very understanding with them. There's a need for being careful of not allowing the relationship to become a vicious cycle where you encourage each others bad habits, insecurities, etc. In terms of appearance, they will have eyes that almost look half asleep in some way and that makes them seem seductive in a way. They might be tall or medium height, fit or slender, have curly hair, and use glasses. You will both feel like the connection is fated or destined in some way. There might also be a distance between the two of you at some point, be it because you both live in different places, a loss in the relationship, meaning going separate ways to eventually get back together, or to stay separated. Either way, if there is no harsh affliction or malefices then despite everything you will both become very spiritual and psychic together. You will feel like communicating telepathically is very much real, and it will be common for you both to dream often of each other. This is the type of connection that you don't ever forget about and that teaches you a lot about the parts of yourself that you might not see. The connection will show you both the good, bad, and wonderful that exists within each other.

[aboredindividual]

Omega Fashion

The main difference between omega fashion and other dynamics is the division they use. In alpha and beta fashion, the clothing is divided by the first gender, male or female. In omega ones, the clothing is divided by development stages of the omega in question: Immature -> Mature and Unmated -> Mature and Mated -> During and Post pregnancy. Those stages show significant milestones that omega hit and every transition from one to another is often celebrated by their families.

The clothes in question have the most variety and complexivity of all the secondary genders. They often make a point to show off omega's social status in question, resulting in razzle dazzle type of clothing, regardless of division. The unsaid social rule states that omegas' overall image represent the wellness of the house, ensuing a custom where omegas are often pampered with multitude of robes, jewelry and trinkets.

Immature Omegas

Omegas typically wears those clothes from their presentation up untill the age of 18-19 where they will then be considered mature. The clothing style consists of Long, multilayered skirt, a long sleeved underrobe,strap tank and an overrobe with short wide sleeve. The clothes are to show off omegas innocence and childishness ( that they have, lets not forget that they are under 18 and considered a child). They are often easy to wash and breathable. When it comes to an omegas neck and wrist areas, they are often covered by simple neck necklaces and wrist warmers.

Mature and Unmated Omegas

It's the stage where omega is at 18 years of age and considered eligible for mating and marriage. The fashion favours many layers and body modesty. The clothes are often elaborate and eye-catching where omega's beauty is accentuated with careful layers and jewelry. They range from body fitting to loose, light to dark coloured etc. During this stage there will be time where omega will start to court people. You can discern fully single omega and courting one by one difference- the jewelry. Single omega's jewelry around ones neck is often simple but covering omegas neck fully with matching wrist bracelets covering their scent glands whereas courting omega's jewelry will be more elaborate and detailed. There is also a trend in fashion where omega will wear nail jewelry, that is small and unasuming but adding elegant touch.

Mature and Mated Omegas

This clothing stage focuses on showing off shoulder and neck area, where mating bite resides. This fashion division makes it known that omega is off limits and dazzling with happiness. There is present large amount of decorations, jewelry and layers. Those mated omegas often really invest in how they look to show off themselves and their mates as a sign of pride and fullfilment. Furthermore this fashion isnt only reserved for omegas without children, Omegan mothers can fluidly switch between the maternal fashion and mated one as both of them kinda coexist together, it is matter of preference tho which fashion individual omega prefers. The nail jewelry is also present where omegas lets their nails grow to bigger lenghts while still being unobtrusive when permorming tasks.

During and Post Pregnancy

This fashion is reserved for expecting and present mothers, where they want to show off omega's belly and neck area on full display. Those clothes offer more mobility and freedom than all previous divisions and try to put omegas in ,,godlike'' clothes to represent their strength and beauty while carrying their young. Even omegas who are after childbirth often still remain in those clothes to show off their ,,mom bod'' and fertility.

Edit: I shifted Ming dynasty clothing up to the post pregnancy region because i kinda thought about it. While the two piece clothing that shows belly is fine, it would be pretty irresponsible to wear it on cold weather. Plus the Ming clothing covers whole body, doesnt obstruct belly and looks pretty cozy (at least on pictures), hence the change :)) Toodles

[benevxllain]

Who are your favorite Diabolik Lovers couples? I'm a little curious about :D

Ayyyyy!! Wb! I hope you've been doing great in this crazy world of ours! Thanks for the message! Now, allow me to discuss these cuties that live on in my memories. Once upon a time, I was a member of a bustling discord where I was blessed to be in the company of creative people, whose ships and ocs kept me enthralled for months on end. They lived rent-free in my head; I was a cookie monster for every new crumb and detail, and, so, now, let's see how accurately I can describe them for you.

Shitzu (Shu x Mitsuha @crowtunezz) - Mitsuha feels like the modern tomboy we all relate to in our awkward, authentic, and endearingly goofy way. She reminds me of Chizuru Yoshida from Kimi ni Todoke! The way she goes blank when Shu is near, like Mitsuha.exe just crashes is so SWEET and real, while, internally, she isn't confident and assumes she hasn't the slightest chance that he'll ever be interested her in a million years, which ngl makes me root for her OVER and OVER because their dynamic is actually so precious?? He's chill and tired; she's energy personified, without being obnoxious and I can see his face lighting up with grins and laughter he hasn't had since he was a small boy. She brings him to life and he draws her back to her earth with a casual touch - that may or not result in her faceplanting and burning bright red from head to toe with steam pouring out of her flustered ears.

Yita (Yuma x Rita @margherita-dascenzo - Rita is PRECIOUS, built perfectly, and I don't care who disagrees because the way she was written speaks to me on a spiritual level. What girl out there doesn't have aspirations to live comfortably and hold some amount of power in the world? On the surface, she's sunshine and springtime, but behind this social butterfly is a woman in mourning for all she's lost to time - centuries of faces she'll never see again. She and Yuma have this natural chemistry about them that can range from relaxed and lighthearted to chaotic shenanigans to ALL KINDS OF SPICY???? His ears might eventually fall off from the amount of stories she tells him and, honestly, even though that part of her annoys him at times, I love that, over time, he accepts that part of her personality and doesn't try to change her because it is a part of her charm - he's important to her, and she just wants to tell him every single thing she can. On a surprisingly sad note, as I write this out, I realize a huge part of the reason she overshares is that she wants to tell him all she can tell him and solidify what they have because one day she just might not have him around anymore, and like so many, many others long gone, he, their memories, and their future family will remain forever woven into the depths of her heart.

Kalice (Kanato x Alice @eyelessdoll-y) - I tell no lies: I HAD NO TIME FOR THIS DOOD until I met this girl. I couldn't see what Kanato stans see in him, but this is the one that opened my eyes with her masterful insight, as if she'd designed him from scratch herself. From her very first, very detailed post, I was hooked on why he's so critical, so mistrustful, so changeable - and how Alice initially suffered horribly, but also how she redefines his very biased, very harsh preference of the perfect 'doll' girl. It angered and pained me to read how she accommodated him, empathized with him, understood him, and in his recklessness, his arrogance, he's not prepared to accept what's developing in his heart. As the already distraught Alice's mind is further manipulated and wounded by Laito and another Sakamaki who's looked on in envy, coveting the affection she showered onto his brother so dotingly, I feared the worst, and couldn't help but wonder whether or not the pair would ever reconcile. But, when they do, it's honestly the most touching thing - his flustered face, unprepared for how she wears her heart on her sleeve, but also how he dotes on her and wants her to have the most high-quality gowns, shoes, and accessories, to be suitable only for him, happy only with him - my heart weeps???

Kinklett (Kino x Scarlett @kindan-no-rp) - Where do I start? Dare I say the Kinkening? The step on me that started it all? These two have banter for days in the most electrifying ways. I needed popcorn one moment, and all the refreshments in the refrigerator the next. On one hand, Kino is hellbent on proving himself and not being outdone, but the depth in which he likes/loves Scarlett gets to me every single time. I live for his internal panic when they clash or confusion arises, and he faults himself -GASP ACCOUNTABILITY?? IN DL?? Someone pinch me- if/when he's wrong/witnessing her teary-eyed or upset because, despite his jokey, chaotic nature, he's actually very, very aware of how alone he is both in his ambitions and in his social circle - yes, there's Yuuri, but no one actually wants him until now, and he doesn't want to lose her, this woman he's pestered and played with, teased and charmed, and fallen hopelessly in love with, and can't go for too long without messaging her or popping by to spend time in her company, even if only to listen to her at the piano, practicing and perfecting her skill. Commitment is a nightmare to Scarlett, who's known unspeakable torture and enslavement, never again wanting to be tied down, controlled, or vulnerable to anyone - but when the red string of fate combines their lives, sparks fly, there is friction, and, underneath, a fierce, unbreakable loyalty and passion that both can't believe is actually, finally theirs and theirs alone.

[mdhwrites]

You know I noticed a detail that made me think why l/umity lost it's spark, but metaphorically so to speak about their color themes.

Luz is purple, Amity was a dilemma because of her track color but everyone kind of agreed with green, purple and green are opposites which fit their dynamic. However you can notice the pallets of purple and pink forced on Amity later, the groom dress and her grudgby uniform. (Not sure if real but there were some official concepts about her originally having a green tuxedo for groom instead of a pink dress and tbh they should've kept that, you can tell the colors were off-putting with the dress)

Green with pink it's a bit chaotic on it's own and it quite reflects on Amity's drastic changes, but the combination with purple just doesn't work.

Then her theme turned to purple as well and well, purple with purple it's boring. You don't even know what heart emoji colors to use for them anymore when in s1 it used to be like this 💜💚, some people resulted to this 🤎💜 but again not working

.

I guess this is why I was so pissed when they started treating anything green related as Odalia's bad influence (which was stupid). And it's like a slap in the face to the fans who were invested in Amity's green era. So what? Me preferring her green hair makes me a supporter of Odalia's abuse now? What about these stylish fanarts of her pulling the green hair with different outfits and styles?

.

Originally I thought she dyed it to impress or get her mom's attention, when Odalia was thought to be a strict perfectionist parent not the dumbster fire of a character they turned her out to be. The point is that it was on Amity's own acord, not mom's. Thrown outta window I suppose.

But in that case I would've preferred Amity growing her natural hair in time as a reference to her becoming her own person, meanwhile having Luz go through a development of her own to change her color theme so they have another contrasting that works. It's kind of hard to imagine Amity in anything other than purple now from her spell circle to her abomination, not to mention her room (heck everything's purple)

In The Power of Love, I actually made it that when Amity was young, the two figured out her hairstyle and dyed it both as a bonding moment and just because yes, Odalia is a bit obsessive. The style was Amity's choice though and she liked how it made her mom feel. You know, because families don't have to be terrible all the time. As far as the color theory stuff goes, it feels more like Luz's color should have been something besides purple more than Amity needing to stay green. That it either wasn't thought out... Or seen as a positive. Because it is in line with the rest of Amity's character and even the haircut she has right after dying her hair: She is just in line with Luz. Everything about Amity in S2 is about falling into line with Luz. Has daddy issues? So does Luz! Doesn't like the coven system all of a sudden? So does Luz! Have short, slightly messy hair? So does Luz! This actually caused a period of time before Amity got her long hair when black and white fanarts would make me pause to figure out who was Amity and who was Luz because they looked so similar. And GOD FORBID they both be in their school uniforms because then you were just screwed back then. It is all part of the girlfriend-ification of Amity where her priorities and very identity are focused entirely on Luz. It's probably also why people don't seem to do NEARLY as much with her now because, much like losing the contrast in color theory, she lost all flavor and the like. Lost what made her unique. Her methods, morals, priorities, etc. just became the same as everyone else's: Whatever Luz needs. It is EXTREMELY boring from a narrative standpoint and part of why the arcs in TOH frustrate me so much. You start with an interesting character and then replace them with a bland, template character that fills a role around Luz. Her surrogate mom in Eda, her girlfriend in Amity, her... Lancer? Kind of? In Hunter, her big strong girl with Willow and her smart guy in Gus. Except to even define them this much is awkward because the show doesn't really care about what jokes or the like they're doing with certain characters when outside of shipping moments. This is where you get high society Amity being the biggest clutz on the planet in S3 Ep. 1. It's all frustrating and it's even more infuriating that you're right: Looking Glass Ruins is when this started in full force with Amity changing her hair to not only match Luz in style but also match closer to Luz's normal colors. And it would only honestly go downhill from there with the very slight exception of Eclipse Lake. And even then... That's the last time we'd see Amity actually have that sort of drive... And it's only because of Luz. And that kind of sucks when she used to be so much more a distinct person with her own goals and desires. Instead... She's a lesbian defined mostly by her interest in another girl. I thought that was normally something that annoyed people. Edit: Just to add: I still like Amity's S1 haircut the most. It's the most distinct visually, is actually a unique design besides 'long hair' or 'short hair with a dye job that went unfinished apparently' and it's just a very cute look in my opinion.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 19)

Hello again! I'm gonna try to do a more or less consistent posting schedule from now on. So, without further ado, let's try it out!

We left Mikan after the New Years Arc and now things seem uncertain and hesitant. We will now enter a transition arc before we begin the Sports Festival. This transition addresses many topics that will be crucial, so it's not a filler arc, just a few lighter chapters with critical information that gives us a chance to catch our breath before things go to hell again. Let's begin.

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Chapter Seventy-One

Don’t take for granted that we’re in a transition arc. There’s still a lot to analyze here!

It’s nearly February now and a new semester is starting, and Mikan is very excited, especially because nobody has lost any stars yet. She’s in a particularly good mood today because she found out the lengths Hotaru went to on her behalf when she was on death’s door in the last arc, pleading with her brother to help them.

She’s also looking forward to Hotaru getting closer to her brother. She’s wanted that all along, for Hotaru and Subaru to get along and become proper siblings. Secretly Hotaru wants this too, but because she’s never had it and Subaru is so cold, it’s hard to actually act on it. It took a lot of courage for Hotaru to ask him to help Mikan, and she’s not about to be emotionally vulnerable with him again.

Hotaru tolerates Mikan’s affections for a bit longer than she usually would, just happy that Mikan is alive, because an annoying Mikan is much preferable to a dead Mikan. Meanwhile, Mikan is just happy to get more proof that Hotaru cares. It means a lot. But Hotaru still has a limit to what she can tolerate, so she does end up hitting Mikan after all.

If I can squeeze in a little talk about the Imai siblings, I will grab the opportunity. Don't mind me.

Later, Mikan searches for Hotaru, who has run off again. The affectionate mood has quickly moved on. She runs into Narumi, who is happy to walk with her for a bit, commenting that they hadn’t chatted for a while. He probes a bit about the Hanahimeden, but Mikan is sworn to secrecy, so she becomes uncomfortable about the topic. Narumi keeps on talking, but Mikan can’t hear him over the wind. He thanks her--for something--and then lifts her up to take her back to class. He doesn’t need her to tell him anything because he already knows. 

And it’s a nice moment, even if Mikan has no idea what he’s talking about. This is a person who has proven himself worthy of her trust, so she assumes that, whatever he’s talking about, he must still have good intentions.

Until Natsume appears out of nowhere and is a jerk for no reason, kicking Narumi and sending Mikan flying as a result. She argues with him, chasing after him now to give him a piece of her mind. And he bickers back, like always. This is their normal. 

The status quo!

A scene like this is important, especially in a transitional arc like this one. We’re establishing certain dynamics and how characters function with each other, which is especially crucial if things are going to change soon. This closeness Mikan feels with Natsume is something that actually makes her happy, no matter how much they argue. We already know that she doesn’t want Natsume going anywhere because she wants to always be close to him and with him. It’s important for us to know that and to be aware of that, because that closeness will soon be threatened.

Chapter Seventy-Two

Mikan is being stalked by an alice stone. She doesn’t know whose it is or what power it holds, but it’s been following her for a while, so she decides to claim it as her own. Although she gets teased for it by her classmates, she’s sure it’s an alice stone that really likes her. 

Class B is having a combined ability class so that the kids can learn about alice stones. Great timing! I went into a lot of detail about all the lore the scans left out in my Natsume essay, so I won’t go over it again. Too much work to repeat myself. Just read it here. 

Tono is subbing in for Nodacchi as a SA representative, since he’ll soon be doing assigned teacher training. Mikan asks him about the stone she’s found and he tells her that it’s a teleportation stone, and since it’s been following her, either the stone likes her or its maker does. The color of the stone means that the stone was made with deep feelings of care and compassion. That means that whoever made it was concerned about Mikan, which makes her even happier. 

I'm including this panel for a few reasons, not including Ruka, Natsume, and Hotaru suspiciously eyeing Tono. 1. This is one of the panels that includes Hoshino before his formal introduction and departure later on. 2. Mikan seems entirely fine sitting on Tono's lap here, even though others seem concerned--something that contrasts with her behavior a little later. I'll get to that next time.

Turns out that because you’re making an alice stone for someone else, your feelings are way more involved than otherwise using your alice. It’s important to focus on emotions and conveying them through the stone in order to make an effective one. Strong feelings are crucial!

Which is apparently why the legend that exchanging them on Valentine's Day means you’ll be together forever exists. (It is the third hook-up event at the school after all!) Exchanging alice stones with your valentine is inherently romantic.

(Valentine's Day, Christmas Ball, and Last Dance traditions have, as I've already explained, false leads that have nothing to do with Natsume and Mikan's courtship, especially because when they do exchange alice stones, it's actually on Christmas, not Valentine's. Nice.)

Realizing that, Mikan starts to freak out. She remembers that she had promised to exchange stones with Ruka before. She hadn’t known the meaning, sure, but maybe he did? Was he trying to propose or something??? Though she doesn’t really like to linger on it, she more or less knows that Ruka is at least a little romantically interested in her. So maybe he meant it romantically all along, and she accidentally agreed to something so huge without fully realizing what she was doing! But did he realize? 

But then Mikan remembers what happened after Ruka ran off that night, that she had offered to give her stone to Natsume and he’d rejected her, telling her to give her stone only to Ruka. 

So Ruka had maybe inadvertently proposed to her and she had accepted without realizing it. 

And she had proposed to Natsume without meaning to, but he had rejected her.

These scans are so disappointing, but I think it's important to note that the issue with Ruka is that she accidentally agreed to a future engagement and isn't sure if he was aware at the time. The issue with Natsume is that he obviously did know what exchanging alice stones meant but didn't want hers, which means she'd been rejected without ever confessing.

HMM! Mikan is pretty flustered now, because that night is so embarrassing in retrospect. She doesn’t know how to talk to Ruka about what happened. I think her conversation with Natsume was a lot less embarrassing for them both because Natsume already knew she didn’t know the meaning. He’s not gonna think she proposed because he’d already asked her point blank if she knew what it meant. The issue is that he obviously did know from the beginning what it meant. And he refused her…

We know that Mikan loves Natsume. She may not want to know it, but she is in love with him. Mikan doesn’t give us much of a reaction to go off of, but I’m sure it’s bizarre and confusing for her to remember these memories with added context. Just like she wonders if Ruka had romantic intentions when he suggested exchanging stones, she must wonder what exactly Natsume was thinking when he told her only to give her stone to Ruka. Had she been rejected without ever confessing? (Or really admitting it to herself?)

But Hotaru and Yuu have already made their stones--pretty large considering this is their first time. Mikan forces herself not to think about the stone exchange and tries to make a stone with her classmates.

Based on what Tono had told her about feelings of protecting someone and how well that idea suits her alice, it could be expected that Mikan might be pretty good at making alice stones. If Mikan could just focus and think of protecting one person, maybe the stone would turn out a decent size. But Mikan is already distracted, and she’s not thinking focused thoughts about protecting someone, so her stone turns out tiny, a pebble too small to even pick up. 

Tono comments that it’s hard to tell if this is genuinely the best she can do since she was so distracted, but Mikan is crushed that her stone is so small. 

The teachers decide to play a game with the kids, “alice stone in the dark,” where whoever you find in the dark is who you trade alice stones with. Because the teachers are participating and have powerful stones to offer, and because they tempt them with interesting student alice combinations, the kids quickly get on board. 

Natsume is invited to participate, even though this was a free study period for him because of how skilled he already is in regards to using his alice and making alice stones. Mikan thinks sadly to herself that even though she’d want to trade stones with lots of people, she doubts anybody would want her lousy alice stone. It’s small and a nullifying stone. Nobody would want it. And even though she’s always self-conscious about her alice--yes, even now, even after all she was able to do during the Hanahime Arc--she still wants her alice to go to someone who actually wants and needs it, someone who would treasure it. 

Mikan remembers the moment of creation, when Tono told her to think of someone who could really benefit from her alice. “Who needs your power the most? Think of them.”

We already know who that is, and so does Mikan, because she’s thought of this before. Mikan remembers the conversation they had by the lake, when she promised him she would give him her stone when she grew up. She’s embarrassed when she thinks of the same conversation she had with Ruka, but even then, she was simply responding to his offer. Ruka’s alice is so useful and impressive that it makes sense he’d feel comfortable trading it. But Mikan’s alice is so useless and boring, the only person she can imagine who would benefit from it is Natsume. So the memory will always be positive, because she remembers that someone needs her alice, the alice she’s always insecure about. 

The lights go out and it’s time to get to trading. 

She doesn’t understand why she thinks of Natsume, but she can’t not think of him. Of all the people in the room, he needs her alice the most. So she decides to look for him. The issue is that it’s dark and a lot of people probably wanna trade with Natsume. What are the chances that she’ll just run into him?

But the alice stone in her pocket, the one that has been following her for days, is Sakurano’s alice stone, which means it contains the wish alice. And Mikan’s wish is that her stone would go to someone who needs it, and that the person will have good luck and be helped by the stone--and that helps guide her to him. 

As she searches for him, we continue to get Mikan’s memory of Tono’s lesson: that alice stones are reliant on compatibility between maker and user, but that even that can be overridden if the maker’s feelings resonate with the user’s. Sakurano wanted for his stone exactly what Mikan wants for hers--for it to go to somebody who will benefit from it, who will be helped by it. So Sakurano’s alice stone helps guide her right to Natsume, despite the dark. That’s how Mikan can be so sure she’s found him.

She's so happy!

She catches him, the exact person she’d been looking for, the person who needs her alice the most, the boy she loves (though she is not entirely aware of that yet because she doesn’t want to be). The lights turn on and Mikan is holding onto Natsume’s hand. She was right after all! 

He doesn’t say much of anything, but that’s not entirely new. She explains that nobody wants her alice stone, so she figured she’d just force it on him. She leaves it unsaid that she wants him to have it because he’s the one who would benefit the most from it, because if he comments on it, it would hurt. She plays it down, like she always does with him. She drops the pebble into his hand. It’s orange, like her name, but it’s too small to really see. 

But she remembers that Natsume had told her to only give her stone to Ruka, a sort of rejection before she’d ever made a stone. She hurriedly adds that it’s not an exchange, which means he can accept it and not have to worry about Ruka or about the fact that she may or may not have romantic feelings for him. She’s not proposing, so he can’t reject it. She’s embarrassed because she’s really putting herself out there with this, but she really wants him to have it. 

She thinks to herself that she has a long way to go before she makes an alice stone that would be good enough to help Natsume in a meaningful way. Natsume is so important to her, even simply in regards to her alice, because he’s the one person she can think of who would be helped by it. He’s the one person who makes her think her alice isn’t useless, because he always ends up benefiting from it. And now, as she walks away from him, she’s thinking of perfecting her alice and making a more powerful stone, specifically with helping Natsume in mind. What she wants is to help him, to be able to give him a stone that would make a difference to him someday. 

And we know that Mikan doesn’t like to think real, full, complete thoughts about her feelings for Natsume, so we have to make do with the fact that she’s thinking about making him another stone someday. But she won’t have the game as an excuse to hide behind next time. I wonder if she's considered that.

She runs away from him, having said her piece and dropped off her baby stone to him. I can imagine she’s probably a little anxious about having given Natsume her stone after he’d rejected the idea before, especially when she’s so insecure about her alice and he’s the only who makes her feel like her alice is needed. She doesn’t want to linger and give him the chance to judge her, because she’d be devastated.

She doesn’t wait for him to give her a stone, either, even though the point of the game is to trade. She doesn’t need his alice stone. All she really wants is to give him hers. And, yeah, obviously that’s pretty literal in that Mikan isn’t expecting anything from him and is content to give her stone to the one person who needs it, but I overanalyze everything all the time and I’m not about to stop now! I think it’s pretty symbolic of the situation next year, or how things unfolded during the Z Arc. All Mikan wants is to use her alice to protect Natsume. She does not want him using his alice for her. Yes, on occasion, she benefits from his alice, and she often gets protected by him. But she doesn’t want him to be obligated to help her (or to give her an alice stone just because she gave him one) like in the Z Arc. And she definitely doesn’t want him to kill himself to protect her, the way he does later, in about a year. It’s enough to just give him her alice stone, her protection, even if she gets nothing in return.

“I pray, with all my heart, that the path ahead of you is a little smoother,” is the wish--whether it’s Sakurano’s or Mikan’s specifically doesn’t matter, because their wishes resonated. That’s what Mikan wants for Natsume.

The next morning, Mikan wakes up and is delighted to find a present on her windowsill! It’s a huge red alice stone. Mikan is overjoyed, so happy to have received such a lovely present out of the blue. Her first thought is that it came from Natsume, but she doesn’t even finish the thought before she shuts it down.

She wants it to be Natsume, though.

Natsume?! Of all people? Giving her such a big and beautiful stone? There’s no way he would want to exchange alice stones with her--he’d rejected her before, after all. She still doesn’t know whose it is, and Natsume is still the most likely (and unlikely) culprit, but she’s just happy to have received it.

Chapter Seventy-Three

It’s Valentine’s Day at Alice Academy. The boys don’t care much for the holiday, to put it lightly, but the girls are all in a frenzy. Mikan is very excited about the fun romantic holiday--so strange, since she usually seems uncomfortable about romance. She asks a few of the usual suspects for their perspectives on the holiday: Tsubasa complains that it’s hellish for popular boys like him, Narumi diplomatically suggests that some girls take the event too far, and the girls are busy making love potions and possibly even poisons to give to their crushes. Mikan only gets more pumped the more she hears.

Mochi points out “You’re not interested in Valentine’s; you just wanna make weird chocolate.” Which is a great point! Mikan seems way more fixated on the chocolate aspect than on the love part. She is determined to make happiness chocolate, so she isn’t even interested in making a prank or torture chocolate like some of the other girls.

Koko and Kitsu ask a great question: who is Mikan even planning on giving her chocolate to? It’s all well and good to want to make chocolate, but the point of Valentine’s Day is to give the chocolate to the person you like, so who does Mikan like? Is it Natsume? Or Ruka?

Don't ask her hard questions! She doesn't want to think about it!

Mikan evasively says she’ll give chocolate to a whole bunch of people. She’s bad at romance. She’s been in denial for a very long time and will continue to be in denial. Romance is not her focus today.

Her thoughts seem to focus on Ruka for now, who she is still nervous to be around because of the whole alice stone thing. She doesn’t know what to think anymore or how to act around him after finding out the true meaning of the stone exchange. Does Ruka like her? Is she supposed to like him back? Are they technically together now even if she didn’t know it? Did he know all along? It’s easy to get swept away in anxiety when faced with an awkward situation such as this one.

The day finally rolls around and Mikan is ready to give away her little baggies of chocolate infused with happiness extract (which are no doubt disgusting, because Mikan made them), but the classroom is deserted: the boys are on the run and the girls are on the prowl. So she decides to sit down and list out who to give her chocolate to (again, all the usual suspects, but Natsume is there too, which is lovely for us). 

The list is a lot longer in the TokyoPop version, including Hotaru, Narumi, Jii-chan, Iinchou, and Kaname as well.

Ruka walks in, with bunny ears on his head as a result of an insidious run in with chocolate. They hide together in the classroom, under a desk. They’re both awkward and uncomfortable because they haven’t really spoken since the alice stone practice. I know Mikan blushes a lot in this chapter, but I always took that to be her feeling uncomfortable and wanting desperately to diffuse the tension. She slams a baggy of chocolate in his face and then feels instantly embarrassed, causing her to flush even more. 

She doesn’t know how to approach the topic, how to ask him about his intentions. The signs are all there that Ruka likes her: he kissed her on the cheek at Christmas, held her hand in the dark, and now he might have even asked her out/proposed to her! It’s awkward because this discussion of romance with a friend is never a light one. She does not understand her own feelings and has no idea what she would even say. 

So she changes the subject with her chocolate and asks him to be the first to accept them. It’s partially because he’s the first person on her list that she’s actually run into today, but also because this is her way of offering an olive branch, of closing the gap of discomfort that has grown between them since the alice stone practice.

She’s embarrassed to have been so bold, but Ruka is instantly relieved. He thought she didn’t want to talk to him anymore, that she’d been avoiding him. But she is offering him chocolate, which must mean she isn’t upset with him. It’s wonderful, because Ruka doesn’t really expect anything from Mikan, not to carry through with her alice stone promise or that her chocolate is anything but a present from a friend. He’s just happy that the ice has melted. They can go back to talking again. 

Her shoving the chocolate in his face is so funny...

I know that I said in part 1 that I wouldn’t be exploring other Mikan ships beyond what they mean for her character or in relation to her bond with Natsume, but I will say that I have a bias of loving Ruka and Mikan platonically. Because of this, it’s hard for me to view Mikan’s feelings for him as anything other than platonic. That being said, I sometimes feel like viewing them as a friendship elevates my appreciation for scenes like this more.

I believe that Mikan loves Ruka, albeit as a friend, and this tension between them sucks because she cares about him and doesn’t want to risk losing him. If he knew about the alice stone tradition when they made the promise to exchange, then that means he has romantic feelings for her and if she doesn’t feel the same way, then things might get messy. What if their friendship doesn’t survive? This scene is important because we can see that Ruka had the same anxiety, that this difficult conversation might result in too much discomfort for their bond to persevere. But in the end, they choose each other over the awkwardness. 

Ruka doesn’t need reciprocity of his romantic feelings; he just doesn’t want Mikan to avoid him. He wants Mikan in his life, whatever way she's comfortable with. And Mikan, who is usually very good at ignoring romance anyway, doesn’t need to hash out all the details right away. It’s enough for them both to just get back to normal. We saw this to an extent when Ruka and Natsume both held her hand when they were stuck in the dark hallway. Mikan had been uncomfortable then, not just because of the kisses, but because the boys were acting weird too. It felt like she had to make a decision, or like things would be strange between all three of them forever. As soon as they started laughing and getting along again, she felt better, even though the romantic angle had never been resolved. Similarly, right now Mikan doesn’t need Ruka to give her answers so much as she just wants things to be normal.

Is this a healthy perspective? Not necessarily. Sometimes hard, uncomfortable discussions need to be had in order to move forward in a meaningful way. But Mikan is a child. She can’t be healthy all the time.

In any case, Ruka runs off and Mikan freaks out about how emotional it can be to give out chocolates--though she concedes it was probably only such a big deal because it was Ruka. Giving chocolates to someone she wasn’t conflicted about likely wouldn’t be as much of an ordeal. Even giving them to Ruka before this debacle would have been easier than now.

She eventually runs into her senpais (Tono, Tsubasa, and Megane), all of whom are victims of malicious chocolate. A whole ridiculous event transpires, with all of them running from vicious girls until they run into Natsume and Ruka and then poor Natsume ends up swallowing a love potion chocolate and “falls in love” with Tsubasa for a moment.

I’m just mentioning this now because Mikan doesn’t seem too jealous! I can only speculate, but that’s okay. I think she has an understanding that Natsume is afflicted by pheromones and therefore, there’s no real reason to be jealous. That contrasts with the prior instances of jealousy (the culture fest afterparty and the rumors that Natsume had kissed lots of girls before) and with the future instance (Luna). Previously, the “other person” or people were all abstract. Natsume might dance with every girl but her (a mysterious number of people) and it feels like a slight, partially because he’s singling her out and partially because she actually wants him to dance with her. Or maybe Natsume kissed lots of girls before her (a mysteriously alluded to history) and that means that something that Mikan had wanted to be special was something insignificant to him (and also that she doesn't like imagining him kissing other girls). 

But Mikan knows Natsume and Tsubasa. Tsubasa is not abstract. Natsume does not and cannot really like Tsubasa. It’s also very ridiculous, so I can’t really imagine anyone getting jealous.

Then again! Mikan doesn’t laugh or seem pleased! I don’t know! That’s just my thoughts on the situation.

I don't know. Maybe this is jealousy?

Anyway, Mikan mopes since her Valentine’s Day wasn’t really all that great. She hasn’t managed to pass out her chocolates to the people on her list other than Megane and Ruka, and now all her candies are squished. But she runs into Narumi, who happily accepts the chocolate and remarks that the happiness extract worked, because he now feels much better. This was all Mikan had wanted to hear all day--that her chocolates helped make someone feel happy. 

She notices a mark on his hand--and we’ll get deeper into that later. For now, Narumi just dismisses it as a bruise, though Mikan is sure she’s seen it before. 

Conclusion

Mikan has had some big days regarding alice stones and chocolates. Romance is not easy. But this information we learned about alice stones will come back later, so keep it in mind!

I'll continue discussing the rest of the transition arc tomorrow. This ended up being way too long, sadly, and I'm tired and have other things to do since it's such a busy day for me. The last half of the transition arc has a little less NatsuMikan in it, and it was less fun for me to analyze for a few reasons, so I'll try to post it quick so we can move on to the Sports Fest!

Anyway, I'm roughly 90 chapters ahead of posting and I'm close to finishing the essay. I'm aiming to finish it this week, though I can't post next weekend because I'll be out of town. Since I'm so far ahead and since I'm close to done, I'll continue posting on a regular basis. We're not even half-way done, posting wise though! Let's see how many more parts we have to go!

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[estellamiraiauthor]

The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 23)

Well this one was mostly about a really depressingly heavy conversation.

As always, spoilers under the cut!

So, the two-month jump in time here, from August to October. This was something that took me a long time to decide to do. I tried many times to start a chapter that would pick up right where the last left off, but it was just a situation where nothing much HAPPENED for a couple of in-universe months.

I could have added more fluff here, because the slow development of the relationship is really the only change that IS occurring, but again, I was trying to get a major publisher to buy this so I had to keep it under a certain word count and make sure the plot wasn’t TOO slow. So instead I went with a little domestic montage to show the comfortable little routine they have, and how Teru is taking care of things like cooking and washing wigs while Rei takes care of him by writing and producing the album. I also used this scene to show how Chizuru fits into that dynamic, doing laundry and taking care of Rei’s income from his more mainstream music.

We also get an argument between Rei and Chizuru. I sort of wish I’d gone into this more, but essentially I think she’s annoyed that Rei won’t take better care of himself and thereby sort of creates more work for her. It’s partly genuine concern for him but partly purely selfish—but not really in a bad way. As she’ll tell Teru later in the chapter, she’s ready to move on, but Rei makes it hard by refusing to move on or even accept his situation in a lot of ways. But Chizuru deserves to be able to move on, even if Rei can’t.

THAT SAID, she’s sort of going after the wrong thing here, and I wish I’d made that a little clearer. I think Chizuru sort of has this idea that, in general, DOING something is better than working with the status quo, and so if any new treatment or anything is suggested, she wishes Rei would try it… while I think Rei is both traumatized enough by hospitals that he doesn’t want to do anything unless it’s absolutely necessary or guaranteed to help, and also afraid that changing anything might actually result in things getting worse. (This is VERY much one of those areas where Rei is just like me… I really don’t like the idea of doing ANY elective medical procedure or taking medicine that’s not life-saving… like, I’ve never been on the Pill, and I won’t even consider something like LASIK because of the tiny, tiny risk, so obviously anything more serious like the options mentioned here would be an obvious HELL NO from me.)

ANYWAY. Chizuru is concerned that Rei doesn’t really take his pain medication a lot of the time, but I think she’s partly being ignorant. I did a lot of research on chronic pain, and especially on traumatic brachial plexus injuries (which you can Google if you want the depressing details) and in a lot of cases medication doesn’t really work (which Teru sort of acknowledges internally here). And on top of not actually eliminating the pain, you can of course become addicted, and I also think Rei just prefers to have his mind completely clear, to not interfere with his creativity. So while SOME of the things he does are definitely more than a little self-destructive, not taking very strong prescription painkillers that don’t actually work all that well is not actually a terrible choice.

Anyway, Rei makes Chizuru carry their stuff “because she’s so worried about him”… their relationship is super interesting to me and I wish I’d need able to go into it in more detail! Feel free to explore in fanfic etc. ;)

The next important scene is during the break at rehearsal, when Teru invites Rei to have lunch with the band, but of course he refuses, so Teru goes to buy him something to eat and Seika, the only one who can see what’s going on here, tells him that he really does need to tell Minori, even though he shouldn’t have to come out on anyone’s timeline but his own, because his relationship IS affecting the band at this point.

Seika says “sleeping with”—which is the norm to HIM, an allosexual gay man. But Teru and Rei ARENT having sex, and I really wish I’d made the ace-spectrum stuff more clear because some reviewers have seemed to think that it’s because of Rei’s disability and I think it’s not? It’s self esteem, partly, which in Rei’s case stems from disability, but also just that… they’re fine at this point with not doing any more than what they are? Some people like to take it slow and that’s ok!

Still, the people who were kind of expecting a steamy romance novel probably collectively lose their shit here. I’m really sorry I called it romance….

Anyway! There’s a little more arguing over Saki’s song and then, after Rei goes to sleep, Teru gets a call from Chizuru. I think at this point, the argument in the morning has kind of reminded her that she is ready to stop being Rei’s platonic life partner or whatever… but she still worries about him living off “alcohol and painkillers and no dinner”. I think she just wants Teru to take over so she doesn’t HAVE to worry, because she does want to know that Rei’s ok. She just doesn’t want to be throne in charge of keeping him that way.

So she asks Teru to meet her, and basically dumps all of Rei’s medical records on him. There’s a lot going on in this scene, and a lot of it kind of hinges on the limitations of modern medicine, which of course harkens back to all of those ignorant “This horribly disfigured character had plastic surgery and now looks completely normal” fanfics. I knew that one of the questions my readers would have was why Rei wouldn’t at least have done as much as he could to try to restore his appearance, and the short answer, provided here by Chizuru, is that really anything less than perfect wouldn’t have been good enough for him. He still wouldn’t look “normal”, so to him there’s no point in being LESS disfigured, unless “less” is “not at all”. Chizuru understands this, I think, but she doesn’t agree with it.

She also offhandedly says that Rei could “hire a chauffeur if he wanted to”, which I think shows that she DOESN’T really understand all of the psychological damage that the accident did. It frustrates her that because SHE has been able to move on after also losing a boyfriend that night, she thinks that Rei should also be able to “get over” certain things… again, even though she probably understands academically at least that it’s not that easy.

The last thing she mentions here as something Rei could do but won’t is amputating his paralyzed arm. This is something that I actually considered for the last couple of chapters, when they meet again after four years apart, but the reason I decided against it is because, again, it isn’t really guaranteed to actually help anything. The pain from that particular injury is essentially phantom pain. The nerves have basically been completely severed, so the pain comes from signals being sent and nothing coming back, so the brain says HOLY FUCK SOMETHING’S REALLY WRONG. Amputating the limb wouldn’t fix those nerves or the phantom pain, so the best it could do is, as Chizuru says, maybe alleviate some neck pain by eliminating dead weight. But I don’t think Rei would see that as a good enough trade-off to losing his arm (and losing any hope of some miracle treatment down the line, which is extremely unlikely, but I do think he has that stubborn little bit of optimism about him as well).

All of that is a very, very short passage in the book, but I thought it was really important to establish both that yes, there were things that Rei COULD do but simply chose not to, but also that there were reasons why, to him, those weren’t good options.

After this, Chizuru talks about her own past. She also lost a boyfriend, Aeternum’s bassist Taka, in the accident, and sort of ended up with Rei as a sort of antagonistic life partner because they were both the only survivors. In Chizuru’s case, she wasn’t even in the car, but went up to Sendai with Taka’s mother and ended up staying. She says that the four who died all had families who came for them, but that no one came for Rei. 

I didn’t really get to go into it at all, but I have a whole backstory for Rei’s family. He grew up in a farming family (which in Japan does NOT mean poor; if you own enough land to farm you’re local royalty), but was the youngest of MANY brothers and while I wouldn’t call Rei “effeminate” necessarily he was more into music and art than physical labor. Since his family had other heirs who were more aligned with what they thought a male child “should” be, he pretty much lost contact with them when he moved to Tokyo on his own at 16. He does HAVE living relatives, but no one who would’ve been contactable at the time.

I also mentioned specifically here that he would’ve been in the hospital for over a year, which I think is important to establish both his extreme dislike of hospitals and how long it’s taken him to re-adjust to “normal” life.

Japanese hospitals treat patients like prisoners and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

ANYWAY. There’s a lot packed into this scene I guess, and I’m not sure I did the best job of conveying it all to readers who might not already have the background. I’m really just reminded of how much I love Rei and how writing him is always one giant breath of catharsis.

[otterloreart]

I am going to use this opportunity to infodump about my ideal g4 pony, but please know i mean this respectfully and im not just trying to be contrary, but this post comes back every once in a while and I've wanted to add to it for a while, especially since I've gotten more g4 toys myself

The funko pop vinyl MLP figures are accurate on a technical level... from a specific perspective, in their display poses and from their display direction.

They can't be show accurate in 3D because the animation of MLP:FIM breaks the rules of perspective a ton, especially in the face. They are "fake it til you make it"-ing the 3D perspective by making it look nice from one angle- which is my problem with like 75% of the original line of MLP:FIM toys anyways.

...and in addition to not having any poes, in my opinion most of their expressions look very blank. (maybe thats just because i hate the funko brand so much tho lol)

I really dislike the very literal interpretation of the MLP:fim style. It's best exemplified by this pinkie pie funko:

ive heard a lot of people give the original blind bag pinkie pie shit for looking "not show accurate" but to me, this is at least an actual interpretation of curly hair, not balloons:

Personally, I prefer to aim for a toy that doesn't follow a super literal interpretation of the show and because I'm more fond of the older sculpts I am interested in sculpting more detail into them, not less.

That's why I gave Twilight a more pronounced chin/separation between the chin and muzzle, a slightly larger body, and indents for the eyes-

IIRC none of the toys I could find even had indents for the eyes, which like, to me is just a sign of lazy manufacturing. If you don't have eye indents you don't have to line up the eye screening (which is why my Candace toy has messed up eyes... sigh)

Some of the later toys actually did get slightly larger muzzles and more dynamic poses, which I would have preferred, but I think their eyes look way too goofy on their perfectly round faces:

I do think the average Tempest looks better because of her large, more sculpted muzzle; I also generally prefer the Princesses because they have more detail too!

The pose in g1 MLP terms just refers to the mold, and I am particularly fond of them because the pose gave each pony more personality rather than just standing there:

(Mimic Pose, which is what i based this Twilight off of)

I never liked the g4 poseable figures because I think their... "shoulder" and "knee" joints look way too wrong. On any other horse toy you can see why: that "shoulder" joint is technically two joints, the shoulder and elbow, while the middle one is the wrist.

Lauren faust is very good at adapting horse anatomy to a cartoon, its just the top of the shoulder doesn't appear in most 2D visuals- like in the original My Little Ponies, it blends in with the body

but the toy designer appears to have looked at the 2D visuals instead of considering how a horse looks, which to me produces. extremely ugly ponies. just my opinion, as someone who looks at too many horses, and horse toys. the animation and the 2D style can break the rules of physics, but breaking it too often leaves the result a jumbled mess.

now, is it presumptuous for me, a person who has been 3D modeling for a scant 2 years and has no professional experience or formal education to speak of, to say i think that a massive company full of talented designers did a poor job at interpreting this childrens toy? hm.

well in retrospect I would change the hoof and face to look more like the above (with the spiral horn, its just late and i dont feel like fixing it), and i would have the hair styled straight but i still think mines better

nobody tell my twilight sparkles, they'll feel worse than they already do.

My dream gen4 my little pony toy

The discourse has long since passed on this since MLP Gen 4 has been out for years, and now they have the g5 toys which are even worse, but anyways.

I think its a real shame they didn't make the g4 pony toys have like... any poses.

Lauren Faust has such a dynamic artstyle and I understand how it was hard to make into 3D but I refuse to believe this was the best they could do:

When theyre posed they have ugly little tube legs and no elbow. I think lauren fausts artstyle works with horses because she actually tool the time to look at horse anatomy and make it unique and stylized but these look so bad and not even very dynamic when they do do the poses but usually they dont do any poses at all.

[werenotadulting]

Routine Procedure - Finale

Author's note - Hope you enjoyed!

Part 7 - Kate

If you'd asked her, Kate wouldn't have been able to tell what exactly had gotten her interested in it.

Maybe it was the idea of the power dynamic. She had always been one of those girls labeled as 'bossy' growing up, which was a misogynistic way of saying that she wasn't afraid to speak up and speak her mind.

Or maybe it was the subversion of expectations of a traditional relationship that did it for her. The idea that she was the one in control, the one making all the decisions.

Maybe it was the fact that it was so taboo and kinky that appealed to her. It didnt really matter, whatever the reason.

Kate was into being a Mommy Domme, and Kate found nothing hotter than having a diapered little bitch boy to call her own.

The ultimate fantasy was teaching the boy to love and trust his diapers. Make him associate orgasming with wet diapers and diaper changes. Create a leaking "accident" in public so he learns that while thicker diapers might increase the risk of being noticed, they save you from the embarrassment of wet pants.

Of course, she had considered bringing up her desires to Mike, but based off of past experiences, she didn't want to chance it. Mike was just too perfect of a guy to risk blowing it like that.

She had always been the dominant one in bed, with Mike eagerly submitting to her every whim, so she knew they were sexually compatible. It had never gone past light bondage though, and Kate was starting to get an itch that handcuffs and blindfolds just wouldn't scratch.

────────

It had come up entirely by chance, one day while she was scrolling through an obscure ABDL forum.

The post read: "Biomedical engineer here, and I think I've figured out a way to induce instant, semi-permanent incontinence."

The post was over 3 days old, and only had two comments on it. The first was from a mod, basically saying to take everyone's posts with a grain of salt. The second was from the OP, about 24 hours after the original post.

"I know it sounds like a fantasy, but I'm pretty confident it will work. I've had a career in medical devices for the last 8 years, specializing in the urology space. I don't want to get too deep into the details on here, so just PM me of you're interested."

Kate rolled her eyes.

Everyone in this community is so hooked on the 'I want to be instantly incontinent' thing, and all it ever ends up being is some silly fap content, she thought to herself.

"You know what, let's feed the troll and see what bites," she muttered.

Liv2DomU: ok spill, what's your magical method?

PrinceOfPadding: this for you, or someone else?

Liv: hypothetically, let's say it's for a boyfriend

Prince: Ahh okay. Very interesting. Well, like I said, I've worked in med device for awhile, and I've recently started my own company. I primarily work in the urology space, catheters, scopes, that kind of stuff.

Liv: hmm hate to break it to u bud, but catheters kinda already exist

Prince: oh sure, catheters exist, but my idea is to bridge the catheter world with the stent world

Liv: sounds idk...sketchy? illegal?

As she read more, Kate was beginning to think that this guy might not be as full of crap as she had initially thought. He had his own start-up, which had already launched a Foley catheter to the market. It was all above-board and legit.

Prince: so, for the aspiring incontinent-person-to-be, the ring is positioned with a catheter, and stays in place once the Foley is removed. Then overtime, probably a month at minimum, depending on the chemical makeup and customer desire, the ring breaks down and is naturally absorbed into the body. And they all sign a consent form saying they accept the risks of such a procedure.

Liv: so then once it's dissolved they are back to being being able to control their bladder?

Prince: that's the theory, yes

Liv: theory?

Prince: well, dissolvable stent technology present state takes like 18 months to break down, and the manufacturing of it is patented and kept under lock and key

Liv: so basically all you have to offer is a catheter lol

Prince: well no. I've got some good leads on dissolvable compounds, but I've got to do trials of the rings first to see if it would even work. I've promised free diapers for the first few months if people sign up, but it's been hard to get subjects

Liv: so these trial rings wouldn't dissolve?

Prince: nope

Liv: meaning my hypothetical boyfriend would be....?

Prince: permanently diaper dependent, yeah

────────

In the end Kate was curious enough that she was willing to hear the guy out.

He'd asked for a mailing address and her phone number. The first was to send proof that his company was real, and the second was just to keep in contact should she decide to proceed.

It all made sense, at least in theory. Foley catheters were safe, provided they were inserted by a trained healthcare professional. A normal person would get a normal catheter just like everyone else. But an ABDL would be signing up for what was essentially an intentionally faulty catheter.

Assuming they knew they were willingly signing up for it.

When asked about 'accidental' ring implants, Prince had basically said, hey, people really need to learn to read the fine print.

────────

I walked out to the mailbox. I've been expecting test results back from the scan I'd had a few weeks back. Opening up the box, I noticed a large envelope with my hospital's address on the front.

About time, I thought, grabbing the envelope and the rest of the mail.

I walked back into the house, where Kate was making herself a cup of tea.

"Anything good in the mail?" she asked, taking a sip from her mug.

I listed them aloud as I started to flip though the mail, "Looks like some junk mail, an internet bill, a brochure for some UroVention medical thing, and last but not least, my test results."

I dropped the rest of the mail on the counter and started to open up my scan results. As I was reading, Kate walked over and began sorting through the other mail.

"Oh good, they said it's benign, but they're still worried about the location. They're recommending removal, just to be on the safe side."

"Removal for something benign? That sounds odd, but whatever," Kate said, tucking something into her back pocket.

"I'm not too worried. It sounds like it should be a pretty routine procedure."

────────

Part 8 - Mike

I sat down on the couch, my diaper squishing underneath me. Kate had taken to putting two stuffers in my diaper, even though these Tykables could already hold a lot. The warm, comforting feeling of my wet diaper started to turn me on, just like it did every time I realized how wet I was or if I was about to get a change. Not that I could do anything about it, though.

I flipped open the laptop and signed in. It would probably be a good hour before Kate got back from the store. Apparently I was being downgraded from sippy cups to bottles.

Once logged in, I noticed that the screen was still up to the site where Kate had last been. It was another diaper order, this time a case of Megamaxes. I felt my cheeks start to heat up, seeing that Kate had chosen the pink color for the whole case.

I opened up a private window, and navigated to KinkLink. My profile on here was pretty bare. It always had been, just containing my age, gender, and some basic interests. I hadn't even bothered to post a picture when I set it up. I preferred to look at other people's profiles rather than post things of my own.

I was always intrigued by people's locations and how close they were to where I lived. One such person who I came back to check the posts of daily was a mommy domme, who it happened lived in my town. Her first posts, from nearly three years ago, were what had first caught my attention.

'Every night I dream about finding my perfect diaper slut. He will wake up to me rubbing his thick, soggy padding, the little bedwetter that I turned him into.'

'Picture this: You, in a wet diaper and nothing else. Me, in my black lingerie with a strap on. Do I have any volunteers?'

'Have no doubt, if you date me, it's diapers forever. There's no "only at home" or "but my parents are coming over". Maybe I'll just find a way to make you incontinent. Then you won't have an excuse.'

And then there were the pictures. She never would show her face, but she didn't need to.. She wasn't lying about the black lingerie. It left very little to the imagination. Then the next picture, where the bra came off, and she was just in her lacy panties, her pierced nipples and tattoos on display. Maybe it was the octopus tattoo on her arm, my favorite animal, that made her stick out to me.

But there was one post that I always came back to and was entranced by. It was a picture of her holding an ABU Kiddo, right below her breasts. She wasn't wearing any clothing.

'Aww baby, did you wet the bed? I think we should probably put you in some protection.'

────────

I stood in line at the coffee shop. It wasn't too busy for a Tuesday at 9 a.m., only two people were ahead of me. As the first person in line got her coffee and the second lady stepped up to place her order, I checked my phone. Still a half hour before I needed to be at work, I had some time to sit and enjoy my drink. I got my usual and went off to a booth in the corner.

"Excuse me, but do you happen to know what the Wi-Fi password is here?"

I looked up to see the woman who had been in front of me in line.

"Oh um, yeah it's....oh I think they just changed it. Try 'PINTO'. They always pick some sort of bean, I think they find it amusing, but it's never a coffee bean..." I trailed off.

She smiled, "Oh thank you so much, yeah I'll try that."

My mouth fell open is shock.

"I uhhh...I like your tattoo," I said. "They're my, um, favorite animal."

"Oh mine too! Isn't the octopus, like, the coolest animal?"

"D-definitely. Hey, would you like to sit with me? I'm just hanging out while I wait for work. My name is Mike by the way."

"That sounds really nice. Thank you, Mike. I'm Kate."

[sibyl-of-space]

GUESS WHAT!!!! I BOUGHT A MICROPHONE TODAY!!!

“Leo, why in the fuck did you buy an SM58 microphone if you are a cellist?”

Because no one else was doing it and because SM58′s are cool. Details below readmore.

(The SM58 is THE microphone for live stage performance, they are ubiquitous and they are magical microphones that can be run over by a truck and work fine, and they look like this:)

Now, as someone who took cello lessons for about 10 years and has somewhat of a classical background, and then spent the NEXT 10 years going “yolo swag 420 blaze it” and doing weird shit, I am now what I like to call a grunge cellist. I like the textures of bow scrapes on strings and shit. I don’t want to sound like a London Symphony sample library, I want to sound like a weirdo playing live and capturing a unique sound. I don’t want my recordings to sound like what an audience hears; I want it to sound like what *I* hear. I also like recording all sorts of weird shit as audio sources to manipulate/synthesize/etc etc etc.

As such, it was less important to me to buy a microphone that is Perfect for Beautiful Cello Covers That Sound Professional, and more important to buy a microphone that would be fun to work with.

Besides, I love recording other musicians and running my own recording sessions. What recording engineer would I be if I didn’t even own an SM58?!

So, I own an SM58 now. I was really curious how it would work for cello. Unsurprisingly I did not get a lot of results when I looked up “SM58 microphone cello” because, unsurprisingly, most cellists do not use an SM58 for their microphone. So I decided to be the change I want to see, and try it out.

This recording is a suuuuper close-mic setup (the microphone is like 5 inches away from the f-hole); dynamic mics respond to loud sounds, so it really had to be right up there. Thanks to the proximity effect, there is a huge discrepancy in loudness between the lows and highs, and there was a pretty uncomfortable buildup around 200hz that I had to take down with EQ. (I also rolled off the low end under ~50.) Other than that minor EQ adjustment, this sound is COMPLETELY unedited. It is the sound of a microphone sitting on a chair in front of me and pumped through my interface into a DAW while I dicked around with extremely rusty fingers that haven’t practiced in months.

SO! What do I think? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK!! THIS WAS AN AWESOME PURCHASE!!! I LOVE IT!!! This thing has so much more personality than my boring old condenser. I’m obsessed.

My ideal setup is actually going to be this mic right up close and a condenser a little farther back (probably with a HPF since I really don’t need to double the low stuff, this mic covers the low stuff quite well). Might have some phasing issues but I think the overall sound will be really nice with this as the main body but just a LIIITLE bit of room and detail brought back in from another mic. I’ll definitely post more tests once I have that setup figured out, too!

Final thoughts/Disclaimers:

* As I said, close micing like this on a cello gives you a pretty extreme buildup on the lows, for my cello there was a biggie at around 200Hz. You are going to want to EQ that shit. Also, if you don’t close mic, it sounds kind of pathetic. There’s no reason to use a SM58 if you aren’t going to close mic with it tbqh

* Many “professional” string recordings prefer a farther microphone that also captures reverberation from the room, which requires a nice-sounding room as well as an even frequency response, but can sound incredible. This is none of those things. But the benefit is you can’t hear the room AT ALL on this baby, it only captures what’s right in front of it.

* The mic is not very sensitive to high frequencies, this has the effect of somewhat LPF-ing the recording without you doing anything. I think its frequency response sounds kind of nice, honestly. But if you are capturing lots of high frequency details maaaaaaybe this is not the setup for you.

* Because it responds so, well, dynamically to loudness, you really do need to play at like mezzo-forte+ for it to do its stuff. If you are doing a lot of delicate piannissimos this is not the mic for you. Also, the low frequencies punch more than the highs, so you need to play it out more on the A/D strings to get them to speak as well as the G/C strings.

[rollflasher]

Another Sonic ramble

So once again I’m here with one of my rambles about my incredibly subjective view of how the Sonic series should be handled! *Beat*

...anyway.

So, one of the more recurring opinions on the fandom is that Sonic games should be written by Ian Flynn, I have talked before about the gripes I have with his writing and why I disagree with this but this post is not entirely about him, but rather a more general topic that has been bugging me for a long time.

The other day I was watching a video speculating about the upcoming Sonic Rangers, there’s not much to write home since it was pretty well made but there’s a particular part that inspired me to do this post and talk about it with other fans to discuss it.

See, at one point the video critisized the fact that Sonic Forces was written by a Japanese writer because they have to re-write the script in English and that can cause problems with localization, and that it would be better to have western writers from the get-go since Sonic’s main demographic comes from there, while making an off-hand suggestion that Ian Flynn could be a main choice. While I can see where they’re coming from, my response was a simple:

‘‘Absolutely, not’‘

See, I have a lot of issues with this to put it bluntly and I’ll try to break them down and explain them the best I can since they’re pretty subjective in nature, but I’m bringing this up because I want you guys to share your thoughts as well.

So, why does it bug me so much the idea of Sonic being handled by western creators?

In my case, the main reasons are because Sonic loses a core part of it’s appeal because of this, the fact that SEGA of Japan seems to have a better grasp of the franchise’s tone and characters and there’s the very subjective point that, in my eyes, American versions of Japanese franchises were always nothing more than dumbed down products of the source material.

To start with my first point, whenever someone talks about Sonic’s creation, a lot of people are quick to point out that our favorite blue hedgehog and his games were inspired by western pop culture and cartoons, and that is true, however oftenly they forget to mention a core thing that not only inspired, but also formed part of the core identity of this franchise.

Sonic is very inspired on anime, and at heart this franchise is a shonen.

(This image by The Great Lange expresses more clearly what I mean)

Generally, the most acknowledgement anime gets on it’s hand on Sonic is the mentions of Sonic being inspired by Dragon Ball, particularly the Super Saiyan, but there’s so much more than that, as Sonic blatantly takes inspiration from Studio Ghibli films specially in games like Sonic 3, which draws a lot of inspiration from Laputa: Castle in the Sky, this great post shows proof that this is not a coincidence.

And it doesn’t stop there, Shiro Maekawa himself has stated that SA2′s story (and in particular, the characters of Shadow and Maria) draw a lot of inspiration from the manga Please Save My Earth.

Even Sonic’s character design resembles shonen protagonists moreso than the main characters of silent cartoons, don’t believe me?

Sure, Sonic has a cartoony anatomy, no one can deny that, but he also exhibits a lot of traits from shonen characters such as spiky hair/quills (?), dynamic posing, a confident, courageous and energetic personality and most importantly, fighting spirit.

If you compare Sonic’s personality and more specifically, his abilities and moves to, say, cartoon speedy characters like the Road Runner, there’s a pretty big disconnection between him and western cartoon characters. Hell, this disconnection is even just as present if you compare him with a character like The Flash from DC.

Simply put, Sonic acts, moves and more importantly, fights like a shonen anime character. He doesn’t just go Super Saiyan and that’s it. Here’s even a quick comparison if necessary.

And this is important because this doesn’t apply just to him, but the whole franchise as a whole and when it takes a more western approach, all of these details are kinda lost or more downplayed, of course this depends on the artists and there’s YMMV at hand, but I think my point is clear.

My second point is...SoJ has consistently proven they have a much clearer grasp on how Sonic’s world and characters are compared to SoA.

Hear me out, yes, Sonic 06 and ShtH exist and yes, SoJ is not perfect by any means. But hear me out...when did the characters start to get flanderized and turned into parodies of themselves? In the 2010s...and when did SEGA move from Japanese to western writers in the games?

Of course it was more then that since there’s a whole tone shift that came with this decade and the new writers, but it’s not a coincidence that when writing in Sonic started to decay, western writers also happened to get on board with the games.

Besides that, SoA has a wide history of not getting Sonic’s tone and characters, from how they made media without much of Sonic Team’s input, to altering how characters are seen in the west. (Such as how they amped up Sonic’s attitude in their media or how the English scripts of the games featured things like Sonic seemingly barely tolerating Amy while the JP scripts portrayed this as Sonic just not understanding girls all that well instead, or for more recent examples, the addition of the ‘’torture’’ line in Forces). Not only that, but even ignoring obvious infamous writers like Ken Penders, even the ‘’best’’ writers from the western side of Sonic are still not above of giving us Pontaff-esque gems.

Like this one.

Or alternatively, I feel like sometimes western writers on Sonic rely a bit too much on their personal vision about Sonic which may or may not be a good thing, clear examples of this are Ian Flynn himself and Pontaff.

By contrast, while SoJ has it’s own share of notorious inconsistencies when dealing with writing (The 2000s era is a big offender), it seems that for them Sonic hasn’t changed much and this is visible not only on the JP scripts of the Modern games which are for the most part better than the ENG ones, but also things like the Sonic Channel comics and the recent one-shots they made with Sonic interacting with the cast show that for all intents and purposes, the Japanese’s staff vision of Sonic is much more clear and consistent compared to the west. Because of this, I’d rather have a good Japanese writer on Sonic games with the localization being focused on being faithful with the original script than have a more western writers dramatically changing the characters. (I don’t mention the tone since either way, SEGA is the one in charge of that and the writers have to follow that)

My last and very subjective point is that, at least for me, everything SoA does with Sonic involving the writing and canon feels like a dumbed down version of the source material. One of the reasons it bugs me so much that in the latest decade Sonic has taken a more western direction is because a lot of what I pointed out gets lost as a result, even if some of those elements are still there, you can tell they’re more downplayed with products like the Tyson Hesse shorts having a more predominant cartoon direction. If any of you have been following my blog for a long time, you should be aware that just because I prefer the Japanese Sonic content doesn’t mean I won’t give the western products a chance, my enjoyment for Mania, the Tyson Hesse shorts and the movie should be a testament of that, but at the same time I can’t help but being sour about the fact that because of these products, we don’t have stuff like a new anime for Sonic or even a serialized ‘’main’’ manga as an alternative for the comics, and my hype for these products is generally more subdued as a result since I’d wish SEGA rather spent that money and resources on more Japanese content than just merchandise.

In particular, because Sonic is a Japanese franchise with a notorious inspiration from anime, what I get from this is a pretty big contradiction. I know Sonic is much more popular on the west but...is it really necessary for his game or products to be handled by western creators to keep their appeal?

For instance, imagine if Dragon Ball’s manga and anime got replaced by western comics and animated series because of it’s world-wide appeal, would that really be the same?

Or imagine the same thing with Fullmetal Alchemist, a pretty aclaimed anime that has a lot of western influence. Would it really not matter at all if it’s Japanese products were replaced with western ones?

At least for me, it wouldn’t.

And what I said about American versions of Japanese franchises being nothing more than watered down versions of the source material? I have that view because of countless examples.

Mega Man and how the English manuals removed a lot of important information about the story of the Blue Bomber’s game and world, causing a lot of plot holes in the process.

American remakes like Godzilla 1998 or Dragon Ball Evolution being an in-name only version of the source material.

Or the many censored anime English dubs from the 2000s, for instance, whenever I see the Yu-Gi-Oh! dubs, I only see a very dumbed down and childish version of a show that was originally a shonen.

And I know that all of these things don’t have to necessarely get lost since every creator is different and there’s franchises like Avatar which are made on the west but draw a lot of inspiration from anime and I’m aware of that, and I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to say that American writers are not allowed to work on Sonic, what I’m trying to say is that inevitably there’s always gonna be some culture dissonance and clash when writers from another culture handle a foreign franchise. And even with examples like ATLA, I think being made by one culture while being inspired by the other is actually a big part of these franchises appeal and it’s something that can’t simply be replicated by handing it to creators from that specific culture they draw inspiration from.

I think James Rolfe’s quote about the same thing with the Godzilla franchise sums up how I feel about this.

‘‘It’s like champagne, anybody can make their own and call it champagne, but unless it’s from Champagne France, it’s not real champagne’‘

So, this last part was very subjective, but I think this post in general sums up why I dislike so much the idea of Sonic having western writers specifically in the games or just focusing more on that side in general.

But what do you guys think? I guess I am too biased so that’s why I wanted to ask for opinions and discuss this topic.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (10/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: This took a while. I had this written out for a while, I just spent a good amount of brain cells trying to figure out where to cut this. It’s almost done actually. I’m expecting like (at the most) 5 more chapters so maybe I can get it done by the end of March if I muster up the courage and the effort to do all the final revisions to the last few chapters.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Other Chapters:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Link to cross-postings: AO3

As Levi soon found out, Hange kept a folder online tagged ‘Levi Ackerman.’

The oldest pictures were dated more than three years ago and the first had been one of his cool down after his performance at his first tournament. There was variety in the pictures and they covered everything, all the way from warming up on the bench, positioning himself to run and those few moments right after launching himself in the air to the peak of his jump. She had even snuck pictures of his interviews.

The first time he opened it, he had first checked the dates to make sure he hadn’t been dreaming or assuming she of all people had been a fan. The weirdly strong emotions he had felt at the realization of the existence of such a folder had only made him all the more vulnerable and the last thing he had wanted to do was an act on an illusion or trick of the mind.

The experiences he had on the field clearing jump after jump had become routine over the five year period. Despite the changes among the faces in the crowd, the cheers that had only been getting louder and louder and of course, the oval that changed with the venue, sometimes the only thing Levi did remember was the blue sky staring him down and gravity pulling from behind.

Maybe that was why he had ended up in a state of disbelief the first time she had shown it to him.

How did you not notice her? Levi was sure he wouldn’t have anyway. She was a stranger, one stranger in a crowd of people. Although she may have been one unchanging face in a crowd of thousands of changing faces, she was still a stranger to him. And strangers just tended to blend in more easily.

A valid point. Yet the regret and frustration were still fresh inside him despite it having been weeks since she first gave him access to that folder

She had first showed it to him the morning after that eventful night, after having dealt with a hungover Nanaba. It was only in the evening that day after Hange had escorted her three friends to the station did she sit next to him on the bed and scroll through the pictures herself with Levi right beside her. Naturally, she was still hesitant to show that side of her, she scrolled a bit too slow at times, while a bit too fast at other times.

For a while their roles were reversed and Levi found himself prodding Hange for more details. Eventually, she did share the link to the folder in exchange for links to his story and Levi was quick to comply. They were both exposed anyway, there was no need for any more secrets between them. Only one condition that had seemed a little too frivolous at first glance, yet somehow Levi understood it.

Hange requested that he go through the pictures when she wasn’t around. And soon after she requested it, Levi realized he preferred that too. Despite the fact that he did trust her not to judge whatever she may find on the folders, there still existed an uneasiness at baring one’s heart out to someone in words one couldn’t control anymore having written the stories out too long ago.

Consequently, he requested the same thing from her. Do not read it while I’m around. When he told her the stories, he at least had control of his tones, his diction and the packaging of the overall story. Watching her read them, he knew he would find himself doubting the words he had written while at the same time vacillating between decisions to correct his previous writings or let her read. The constant self consciousness that came with the second option had just been too stressful of a prospect. He decided himself, he would rather have full control of the exposition or none at all.

The decision to have no control and no input, to be absent when he bares his heart out was not easy to make. And he continued to feel the traces of that struggle in the way he so easily lost focus and ended up mindlessly scrolling through the folder. His mind had shifted to other things more specifically the prospect of whether or not Hange was doing the same thing then and there.

She was only a phone call away. He could ask. But it had just seemed idiotic. Of course she wouldn’t be checking on it, she had been cramming for an exam that morning in between preparing for her mid semester thesis presentation. She hadn’t even bothered to say any greeting but an ‘I’ll follow’ before he left for the therapist that morning.

He looked through the messages in the waiting room, and up at the time displayed on the upper right part of the screen.

9:43. She was still in the middle of her exam. She won’t be checking on it.

Levi looked at the ceiling above him, allowing the plain white view above him to ease him back to his reality. How long had he been staring at the phone? He closely felt for the aches and discomforts around his body. The dull soreness that made itself known as he stared up at the white ceiling above him only served as a reminder that he had been a little too exposed to quick scrolls and the unnatural glare of his phone for a potentially unhealthy amount of time.

It was his first physical therapy session and Hange had pointed out that he should be early just in case. Consequently, he had shown up at 8:30 for a session at ten.

Just in case you get lost. Just in case there is paperwork which still needs to be filled. Hange would have done the paperwork already. He had ended up clocking that little doubt and that need for a little prophylactic thinking to caution on their end. First times tended to make people a little more cautious. And more importantly, what else was there to do on a Saturday morning other than sleep in?

Either way, that long wait had left him with eyes a little too tired yet at the same time, he was bored out of his wits. He looked around the waiting room finding something else to entertain himself with.

I only have seventeen more minutes to kill. It shouldn’t be too hard.

The atmosphere of the waiting room was nothing like getting lost in nature or on the road. It was stark white, bleak and a little too rehearsed. In other words, it lacked dynamic and consequently. it was too boring to find any amusement in. Of course, they wouldn’t want to stress out any patients with anything too fancy or overwhelming. Yet, the only thing which Levi could have found worth giving more than a passing thought to were the people around him.

And only when Levi started focusing instead on the people and not on the off-white plastered walls of the waiting room, he somehow was able to distract himself from the dragging motions of time.

There was an old man with a knee brace. A middle aged man with an arm in a sling and a girl with a casted right leg. There were others who could have passed up for nothing more than a visitor, until they stood up and Levi noticed in their gait the slight hesitancy to put one foot in front of the other. A small detail which Levi probably wouldn’t have noticed if he weren’t looking for it then.

As he preoccupied himself and reflected over the small details that could have told stories of the people around him, that natural reflection to one own’s self had him a little too focused, a little too fixated.

The door to the waiting room slammed behind him and the trance disappeared as quickly as it came and as silently as a bubble that had just been popped.

Levi found himself irritably following the sound of the footsteps that came right after the slam of the door. It reverberated across the quiet and tense room, so loudly that if Levi did look around him, he would have realized he wasn’t the only one who had been so abruptly disturbed by it.

“Aaaand... My rounds are over for today,” The man said looking not at all guilty for that rude awakening. He wouldn’t have known anyway, and as Levi looked towards the front where the man had settled by the nurse’s desk, he might just have been the only one in the room rudely awakened by that sound.

“Ah, Doctor Jaeger, That was quick,” the nurse commented a little too pleasantly for Levi’s taste.

“Not too busy of a morning.” The man said, or as Levi soon deduced, was Mr. Jaeger. He recognized that irritating voice and as he looked up at the man, taking in the gruff features, the blond hair and beard and the rounded glasses, he quickly grasped for the name.

Zeke Jaeger. He hadn’t even said the name out loud just yet, but somehow he tasted venom. Levi though had enough awareness of his surroundings and his own ability to quickly yet correctly guess names to have kept silent. Regardless, he continued to watch as Zeke lowered his voice, possibly whispering something about going out for a drink and some dinner with the nurse in front of him. He found himself silently judging that audacious invasion of privacy as Zeke looked over at whatever paper was on the teacher’s desk.

Ackerman?

If Levi had actually been a little more aware of his surroundings, he would have realized Zeke did not at all say the name loud enough for him to hear. It was the result of Levi having watched too closely as Zeke enunciated those syllables, having noticed as the nurse made eye contact with him and having heard peppers of conversations about a jumper and an injury.

“Oh… An Ackerman? Who does high jumps?.” Zeke confirmed it himself, as he once again spoke a few decibels louder, obviously with the intention of making himself heard.

It wasn’t anything new. The past few months, Levi started to realize that at the least, many people in the local scene were familiar with him.

“My brother’s best friend is an Ackerman too and she started jumping recently.”

“I don’t have any relatives who jump,” Levi answered, in an attempt to shoot that attempt of a friendly interaction down.

Zeke stared at him, looking surprised. “You sure? With how quickly she picked it up, I thought she should have been related to you.”

Levi kept silent, making no effort to look open at all to conversation. Somehow, Zeke didn’t seem to get the hint.

“She’s been sweeping their interhigh competitions since the start of autumn… With the pace at which she’s going, she might even replace you.”

Levi had gotten used to those types of comments, hearing them as whispers the few times he went out, seeing them on a few forums as people discussed his injuries. He shouldn’t have been at all bothered by the statement, having shifted his attention in life to things which weren’t jumping

The blond man in front of him had been crass and blunt and Levi was starting to feel the beginnings of a bad mood. The irritability only worsened even as Levi tuned out the blond doctor. His mind went elsewhere, as he instead decided to seethe silently at the insensitivity of that statement.

                                  A Tale of Two Slaves

Eventually Levi did get a break from that one-sided conversation. But the countdown to that break was slow and painful. He only noticed as he struggled under the trappings of that long and excruciating wait how long it really took for minutes to count down on a digital clock.

An eternity could have passed before Levi was called from the waiting room. As soon as the clock struck ten, Levi could not help but be more than slightly annoyed that she had been late.

If you’re early then you’re on time. If you’re on time, then you’re late. Any other day, Levi would have acknowledged the hypocrisy of that statement since although he was always early to training, he was never that religious when it came to academics. Having just bounced back from such an excruciating exchange with Zeke though, everything had just been pissing him off more than necessary.

It was almost remarkable how he managed to nod in return at the woman who met him at the exit of the waiting room. But Levi soon realized, as the anger quickly dissipated from inside him, she seemed like an old friend more than a stranger and like for all people, as long as there was history between them, he could save a little more patience points.

The woman who helped him up and led him to the room ahead was shorter than him yet had a way of handling herself that made Levi guess that she was at the least, a university student.

Levi didn’t need to guess anything else. Somehow, her name, her personality and the familiarity had all been somewhere in his head.

She cocked her head to one side in greeting and spoke up. “You can call me---”

“Petra,” Levi said. Somehow, he just knew her name. He had been inclined to complete that statement, only to make more real the nagging feeling in his head as soon as he had noticed her enter the room.

Petra’s eyes widened in shock. “Yes, how did you know?”

“It’s on your nametag,” Levi answered almost automatically, thanking the heavens she was wearing a nametag.

“Yeah, my bad. I get a little absent minded at times,” Petra patted her own head and gave Levi a wry smile.

Petra was hospitable. And when Levi thought that exact statement, he couldn't help but think how the word 'hospitable' had fit her so well. It was in her presence. She had this special talent, of finding ways at least to add color to the stark white hospital walls and the overly sanitized tiled floors underneath.

It could have been the tone or it could have been her word choice as she rattled off what could have been an outline of his physical therapy regime. As Levi did figure out, it could possibly have been the unique enthusiasm she had towards the whole patient recovery process

"So you're my physical therapist?" Levi asked. He never really did pick up what she was saying. He had heard enough about leg raises, timings on when to remove casts and knee bends that he at least guessed she knew enough about them to be one.

Petra though was quick to shake her head. "No actually. After college, I have plans of taking the exam. Then after that, I’ll be a physical therapist. I’m just taking advantage of this internship to learn more about the occupation.”

“It suits you,” Levi said. He kept his own comments brief. At that point, he did start to lose a little bit of awareness of his surroundings. His thoughts flew slowly back to his dreams.

Those first two encounters in the hospital had been two missing puzzle pieces. The stories had been an incomplete puzzle set of words and pictures and as he put it all together in his head, he couldn’t help but note how vivid the memories actually were. It took all his strength not to react, not to bolt out then and there, and go back home, to fill in the gaps on his laptop.

He put two names on his phone.

Zeke Jaeger. Petra Ral. Levi could have sworn there was more to remember and to write about.

And who did Zeke mention then? The other Ackerman? The other jumper?

The dreams were faint, as faint as the image an incomplete puzzle would make. Some parts were clear and vivid like a scenery behind a newly cleaned window. Others were hazy, his mind having filled up those gaps with blurry images. But the other Ackerman was there, and she moved fast enough to justify those blurs in the scene. Back when they fought the war, she flew in those cables much faster than he and Hange had.

I am strong. I am stronger than all of you.

                                       A Tale of Two Slaves

The pain that came with his first physical therapy session was excruciating and it only served to further aggravate the anguish and his eagerness to get home before the sceneries in his head faded into faint memories of something else.

He managed at least to keep himself in a good in-between, by repeating the mantra of that other Ackerman to himself as he went through each and every exercise.

They had started off slow, as slow as a walk in the park maybe, a few stretches here and there. While doing some of the stretches and the warm ups, he did wonder if he had attended the right therapy session. Some of the warm up exercises had nothing to do with his knee after all.

The actual challenge came when Petra and the physical therapist he had failed to get the name of, had him sit down. As soon as Petra unwrapped the brace and pulled it from underneath him, Levi felt the weight of his injury almost instantly. It didn’t help at all that he was looking right at it.

“We’re going to try bending it a bit. Maybe put some weight on it if we have some extra time” The physical therapist’s words felt ominous.

The surgical scars and the healed wounds on his knees from more than two months ago only served to rattle Levi a little more. He had avoided looking at the scars many times before during meetings with Erwin and Hange. The few times Hange did pull and prod at it, he had it stretched out on some pillow.

It was fragile. And it felt unnatural. There in front of him then, it was dangling from the exam table, gravity pulling it down from underneath. Levi swore that if he tried hard enough he probably could imagine it completely disconnecting from his body at that moment. And maybe if he did move it, attempt to stand up without the confines of a knee brace as support, it might just fall off.

“Hey, it happens to the best of us,” Petra said.

No, it doesn’t happen to the best of us. In the room at least, there were at least five other people struggling to do something so simple as to bend a knee. But Levi could have sworn, in the outside world he was surrounded by people who wouldn’t think twice about bending their knee.

“Just bend it as far as you feel comfortable.” Bullshit directions. Levi had to admit, he wasn’t comfortable having it bend at all. Just the sensation of having it dangle so easily in the air, at the mercy of gravity underneath was already unsettling.

Was it a challenge then? To get it to bend as far as he could?

The directions of the therapist were flawed and Levi naturally opted for a flawed response as well. The process of bending his knee had been slow and excruciating. Levi found himself closing his eyes a few times, finding some sort of a rhythm in the faint sounds of the heater in the room, the murmurs from all the way across the room.

Or maybe a mantra? From someone a little too familiar. I am strong. Stronger than all of you. Another Ackerman.

And the way Zeke had mentioned it was grating. Was it a challenge? A threat? Was it supposed to be pushing him to go further?

It could have been Zeke or it could have been that phantom Ackerman that had been a motivation at that moment. But something then had Levi’s heart racing, his mind going in circles.

I’m strong too. I’ll get out of this rut. He thought to himself, a weak yet still effective act of protest. It worked both as a catalyst for a burst of motivation and an odd source of rhythm. The flexibility of bending came in slow, steady but continued attempts. The rush of adrenaline came halfway through.

A few minutes later, he was sweating and maybe he had been shaking a bit before that. When Petra had mentioned the optimistic progress and the plan to at least attempt to put weight on his bum knee, Levi was quick to comply.

And maybe a little too reckless. They had least helped him next to a wall, a good place at least to lean his body in the off chance he did lose control.

“One foot forward then one back.” The therapist guided.

As he watched the therapist simulate that same position, Levi quickly followed suit. He remembered, he had put some weight on his leg. Back then the brace had kept his knee stable.

At that moment, the brace was off, and it would be his bum knee, exhausted from the prior exercises taking the full weight.

I’m strong. Levi repeated to himself. Bending wasn’t an issue before. He had been bending his knees, possibly before he even knew how to walk. It should have been nothing, The excitement of a while ago, the adrenaline rush, pushed him further. It had him so seamlessly balancing the weight from the back of his foot, to the foot in front.

And maybe his knee had been bending farther in, the weight of his body on it. Somewhere along the way he did start to feel the beginnings of a dull pain.

I’m strong. To keep going, Levi had to find an escape. Stronger than all of you. It was easy at least, to leave the movements to his procedural memory as he distracted himself with his own musings, willing himself not to forget what he had wished to write down.

Where did they all fit? The Beast Titan… The Survey Corps… The War… The Alliance?

“Levi, I’m sorry I’m late. The test ended later than I expected…” She came as a faint voice, but Levi was too far gone to hear it.

He had only felt her presence then, when the physical therapist called a break, when he had collapsed on the floor in exhaustion, his knee throbbing, his breaths coming in heaves. He only realized she had been watching for a good long while when he looked up to see the concern etched in her face as he caught her gaze.

“I’m fine…” He at least managed to say that much before he closed his eyes, allowing that few minutes of rest to gather his thoughts and steady his breaths.

“You shouldn’t have pushed yourself too hard. This is just your first session,” Hange said from right next to him.

He still had enough energy to process those words at least.

                               A Tale of Two Slaves

That night, Levi gripped his dream catcher a little tighter and pressed it close to the back of his phone as he scrolled through google links on the other Ackerman.

It hadn’t been hard to find her at all. Zeke’s tirade that morning had been more than a guide enough.

High school. Ackerman. High Jump. Those were the only three keywords he needed to figure out the whole name of that missing Ackerman. For a moment, he had expected to find his own articles, and had braced himself for the pain of sifting through old articles about himself in between looking at hers.

It turned out Mikasa Ackerman had been the talk of the high school high jumping scene for a while, and she had been the topic of at least 90% of the articles he was scrolling through on Google.

A few times they did allude to the other Ackerman. The older articles heralded her as a successor to the rookie Levi Ackerman, the newer ones that were dated past his injury called her the brand new Ackerman, a replacement.

A replacement to damaged goods. Levi had to add that part himself, an attempt to make a joke out of his shitty situation as he closed that last article. “Mikasa Ackerman,” Levi repeated those words so quietly to himself as he dropped the dreamcatcher haphazardly onto the table in front of him. It had been useless at that moment. Or maybe at the least it had been the reason he felt a little too frustrated at having looked through too many articles that evening.

He looked to Hange who was sitting on the dining table, looking deep in thought on something on her laptop. Mid semester presentations for her thesis proposal were coming up, along with a few new exams next week. She had been conscious enough to point that out at least and Levi happily gave her the space she needed.

The turmoil inside him at first seemed difficult to pacify.  Just watching Hange so focused and deep in thought had helped somehow quell whatever unresolved tensions and feelings were settling in his stomach then.

Maybe if he talked to her, the tensions might just disappear altogether. Levi deemed it worth the effort at least. “Hange? You okay?” He asked

Hange’s head shot up and she looked straight at him almost instantly. “Sorry, how long were you calling me? I’ve just been a little too focused on my exam on Monday and the thesis presentations on Wednesday… I don’t think I’ve been in the right mind for a while…”

Levi saw it in the way she looked at him, she hadn’t been focusing on his eyes. It was as if she were still probably seeing whatever words or numbers she was studying. She had been like that the past week since the line up of the thesis presentations were released along with the midterms schedules for all the exams.

Their kiss, their one night in the bedroom almost forgotten. Levi was sure though there was something that had been bothering her, maybe something that extended beyond academics.

I can ask about that after finals. Levi thought to himself, pushing aside that bout of concern. He could start with a light question at least, which didn’t involve Hange too much. “Have you heard of Mikasa Ackerman?”

“Mikasa Ackerman? The high school high jumper?” Hange asked. “Maybe I have been following her too… Lately...”

“She’s really good apparently.”

“Her jumping positions reminded me a lot of yours, so she had been fun to watch. I always did want to ask… Is she related to you? I did some research but I don’t see much which connect you both other than a few articles comparing you as jumpers and maybe speculating a relationship.”

Levi shook his head. “I never heard of her… Until today… A doctor mentioned her back in the hospital before my therapy session.”

“She only started making waves last month when her school made it to the regional competitions. No one really follows the district and the interschools… And apparently she only started jumping recently, during summer and she only started breaking records during the regionals,” Hange said. “That is… According to what I’ve read up on her.”

“So, you have been following her?”

“I still watch videos during study breaks,” Hange admitted. “And she just broke a few records a few weeks ago, of course they’d show up in my feed.”

“And you didn’t feel the need to ask me about it before? About an Ackerman doing the same jumping positions I did? You didn’t want to talk about it?”

“I thought of asking you about it maybe after exams. Besides, do you want to talk about jumping? After everything that happened?”

Levi put his phone down beside him and looked up at the ceiling above him. Of course he wouldn’t have heard of her until then, he had purged himself of all track and field news since the injury. The tournament with Nanaba and Mike and the round of research on Mikasa have been two exceptions and the feelings after that had only reminded him why he had spent his days actively making the effort not to think of the life he used to have. "I told you I'm fine," he said. He half meant that part at least, the writing had helped.

"No you aren't.”

Levi found himself shocked by how certain Hange’s tone had been. And for a second, maybe he had been a little irritated at the audacity of it all. Who was she to assume how he felt? But the surprise and the irritability had him silent and listening. Hange always had a reason for her conclusions. She never made assumptions so easily, he had known her enough lifetimes to be sure of that.

“There's a certain sadness to knowing you can't do what you used to before.” Hange continued. “I think everyone feels it, even a bit."

"A certain... sadness?" Levi asked.

"Wait, that does sound vague... Lemme think of an example." Hange paused for a second, looking up in thought. "Like maybe if you imagine people who’ve been skating or people who've been playing instruments their whole childhood. When they stop training or practicing these things altogether, these people can feel themselves lose their motor skills or their thinking skills that got them jumping double axels or playing arpeggios or pulling off vibratos like they’re second nature. And when they come back to it years later, I’m sure everyone feels the sadness or some sort of a frustration, looking back at their old self and processing the realization that they can’t bring their body or their mind to do something as effortlessly as they had done it many years before. Processing how they ended up so weak, so stupid after abandoning their old passions for so long."

“What if I’m an exception?” Levi challenged, still a little annoyed at such an assumption and at such a long unsettling tirade.

Hange shook her head. “You’re not. For a while, I wanted to entertain the possibility that maybe you and I are exceptions, maybe we can easily jump from one passion to another. When I was watching you during therapy though. I saw the terror in your eyes, the frustration, the sadness. ‘Why isn’t my body moving the same way it used to?’ Maybe you don’t want to think back to jumping because you don’t want to see how quickly your body has forgotten the motions, how quickly it had lost the flexibility and the strength to carry you over the two meter bars…” Hange trailed off. She avoided his gaze and for a while she had been staring at the blank wall in front of her. For a second after that, she did look to him, and there was a glint of realization in that. Realization at what she had just implied possibly. "But you know what, you might just be an exception. Maybe I’m just projecting." Hange added a second later.

Levi was sure though from the quick change of tone that accompanied those last words that Hange probably didn't mean it. On top of that, having heard Hange's small lecture, Levi almost immediately realized he wasn't at all an exception.

Her voice had been light as she mentioned that last sentence. It could have been a thoughtless comment. Hange didn’t make too many thoughtless comments though. “Projecting?” Levi asked.

Hange let out a short light laugh  “I’m talking too much, I should go back to work…” Her words seemed like a band-aid, a lazy coverup for whatever emotions had supported such a tirade in the first place.

Projecting? There was a reason behind that word use and Levi was more than eager to press on it.

Hange wasn’t listening anymore though. She was buried once again in whatever subject she had chosen to study for that night. She was in work mode again and she had gotten back to that mode as quickly as she had fallen out of it.

All questions can wait until after her exam week. Levi told himself. The word ‘projecting’ had stayed though. Hange’s words had left its mark and maybe it did have Levi reflecting on his own feelings, his own fear and his own frustrations at his regressing skills, the painful awareness of his body that was slowly forgetting the motions he had built over years. At the end of that tunnel of reflection, he did end up thinking back to that word.

Projecting. She had to be feeling something for herself to say something like that right?

Hange what are you projecting?

And that at least distracted Levi enough, enough for him to ignore the dull pain in his left knee, channel his focus elsewhere. The next few days, having been left alone in the apartment while Hange went about classes, lab work and library visits, Levi did manage to channel his energies to academics or to filling his gaps in his own stories: Levi Special Squad, the Beast Titan and something about some new rookies in the survey corps.

The pain in his knee never left though. It was nagging and annoying like a cavity. It was a pain Levi had assumed would disappear in time. His left knee had always been painful since the injury.

Yet, maybe his left knee had started to get a little frustrated at Levi’s negligence. Maybe it had started to get angry. It was a creature and Levi soon realized, it was a monster that demanded attention.

The night it demanded his attention so stubbornly, so angrily., it did it through sharp pains that coursed through him like bolts of electricity, it did it through a crushing sensation that left Levi almost unable to breathe.

And maybe it did have Levi hallucinating----Or could it have been dreaming--- of having saved one of his soldiers from being eaten by a titan.

                                      A Tale of Two Slaves

“Connie!

“Captain!”

In his dreams, he had been too out of breath, or maybe a little too distracted to have reacted at the crushing pain that had spread through him like bolts of lightning. The dream was hazy that Levi doubted whether he had been completely rooted in anything or not.

He had been flying. He had been in pain. And he had been pushing past the pain, slicing at a titan in every direction. And when he had seen one of his soldiers unconscious, about to be eaten by a titan, he had jumped in between the titan and the soldier so instinctively, so desperately that the in-between had been a blur. He found himself in the midst of an excruciatingly painful ordeal. He gritted his teeth, biting back any attempt to scream. For god knows if he screamed, he might just run out of energy, he might just pass out.

When he woke up to the dark room though, he processed almost naturally the fact that the circumstances his reality had offered him were different. The view in the middle of the night, the faint sound of cars had been different. He wasn’t in a battle field and as if his body had been completely aware of that, it did push past his attempts to subdue any reaction.

Even before he realized it though, he had been screaming. Only when his throat burned and the sounds faded into a whimper, only when the tears started to run down his face, only when he closed his eyes and keeled over, a pathetic reaction to the bombardment of stimuli, did Levi realize the pain of having his leg almost bitten off by a titan was still there.

“Levi! I’m here. What’s going on? Are you okay?” Hange was right next to him. Beyond the pain, that was all he could process.

Hange hadn’t been there in the dream. God knows where Hange had been when he was flying from titan to titan. God knows where Hange had been when he found himself, jumping in between his fellow soldier and the titan that had lunged to eat him.

And god, it was painful. Even past the dream, even when he started to realize that Hange was right next to him at least in the dark room at 3am. The pain stayed and it was crushing his knee, it was leaving him unable to even take any sort of a decent breath, his own coping mechanism reduced to ragged breaths in between tears.

“Levi, breathe…”

How pathetic where his own breaths sounding for Hange to have to coach him like that?

“Oh god, Levi, we might have to get you to a hospital?”

How pathetic did he look for Hange to have to suggest a hospital visit? When she helped him up at least, when she slung her free arm over his shoulder and helped him to a sitting position, he did at least feel the unnatural weight on his left knee. What was going on?

Everything after that, came as a hazy dream. As hazy as the fight against the many unnatural looking titans. In that dream, Hange had been absent for some reason he could not yet comprehend. And Levi found himself trying to push it away, instead focusing on the Hange in front of him who had put a blanket over him, who had dialed a number on her phone and who was rattling off medical jargon to someone on the phone.

“Erwin… I…” Why would you need to call Erwin at three in the morning?

After that, Hange had helped put a hoodie over him, she had called one more number. And within a few minutes, Levi found himself lying down on a taxi, half conscious, only hanging on by a thread at the view of Hange under the dim light of the taxi and the city lights.

Somehow, he was terrified of falling asleep again. Hange hadn’t been there in the dream. And she might just disappear if he closed his eyes. As he unwillingly held on to the crushing pain in his knee and the view of Hange who sat next to him on the taxi, he was awake. Only barely, but barely was enough to not fall into another world of dreams, a world of wars and a state of complete chaos and confusion.

Eventually, he lost consciousness but it had been a gradual process.

He had lost some sense of time along the way, his body having been too focused on Hange. The darkness in the taxi had quickly shifted to the stark white of the hospital as he was helped onto a stretcher. Then along the way, he may have heard Erwin’s voice rattling off something about a swelling knee that was crushing his joints and a knee aspiration.

Then there was something about painkillers, an IV, a slight pain in his hand before everything enveloped him again. Maybe at his peripherals, Hange had been by his bedside.

It was a huge improvement at least from the messages of his own dreams. And maybe it was relief that finally had him letting go of his tight yet weak grip on reality. The crushing pain on his knee hadn’t been from a titan biting it off. Hange’s absence in the war had only been a dream.

The last few things he had processed then before completely letting the darkness enveloped him, may have been the sound of a laptop opening next to him, a few wires pattering on the floor below, the sound of the mouse and finally, the relaxing rhythmic clacking of the keyboard..

Hange was right next to him and she wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

                                          A Tale of Two Slaves

“Sorry.” It came out as a croak but Levi was still hoping she heard it. Despite the haziness of the first few moments as he opened his eyes to the light streaming into the hospital room, despite the discomfort which came with a dry throat, it had been Levi’s first instinct to apologize.

Hange looked worse off than last night. He at least picked up enough images of her to know that there was a stark difference between the Hange of a few hours ago and the Hange then. The laptop hadn’t moved, it was still on the table next to his bedside, just like he had guessed it to be having fallen unconscious to the sound of the clacking of the keyboard.

Right then and there, Hange’s hair fell in chaotic waves, her glasses askew. And compared to last night where he saw panic, in front of him, he saw calm etched on her face, an ominous calm that somehow seemed even more alarming.

“Hange,” Levi said a little louder. The concern he felt only gave him the motivation to push past the discomfort of having just woken up. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry? Hadn’t everything to this point been my fault?” Hange’s voice was soft, reflecting the ominous calm. It was cold, maybe even frozen. “"The reason the fluid built up in your knee was overexertion apparently. They’re guessing it was the physical therapy session last Saturday." Hange looked away. "I can't help but think... If I didn’t bring you to the tournament or talked to you about jumping , maybe you wouldn’t have pushed yourself too hard."

Levi had listened closely and he could have sworn he heard a crack in her voice. “But the fluid is gone right?” He asked. He noted that his knee was numb and to his relief, the pain had devolved into a dull ache, similar to the one he had been dealing with the past month. Not at all as alarming as it had been the night before.

Hange shrugged. “Maybe it’s the painkillers or maybe it’s the fact that they drained the wound. But don’t count your eggs before they even hatch. Your back to square one. All progress, out the window. Fuck this. Fuck all this. And you wouldn’t have been in this damn situation if he hadn’t fucked up way too many times. Was I pressuring you to jump? Was I pressuring you to recover quicker? Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned Elijah, or maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned MIkasa? Maybe I shouldn’t have let you go to that fucking meet in the first place.”

Levi kept quiet. Watching what had been Hange, leaving her laptop open on the table, watching her pace around the room, avoiding his gaze as she fell into her soft tirade had been unsettling. Even he couldn’t tell how it was making him feel. “It’s over. It happened. So many things had happened at once, it couldn’t have been anyone’s fault.”

“Fucking hell Levi, when I’m supposed to be writing about your injury, when I’m supposed to be writing every single bout of mini progress, writing out the mechanics of the injury… I can’t help but see… you were in no condition to jump. You were exhausted, your wounds from the first time we met were far from healed. But for fuck’s sake, if I had told you to wait it out a week, instead of letting you do jump after jump, maybe you’d be in class right now or maybe you’d be preparing for your next tournament… I don’t wanna write this anymore. I don’t wanna reduce whatever is going on inside you to a fucking case study.” Hange slammed her hand on her keyboard, and sat so violently on the chair, she had pushed it a few inches back.

“You need to graduate,” Levi said. What will Erwin think? What will your parents think?

“At this point, who cares? I’m miserable. I can’t fucking get anything written. I write a paragraph, I get self conscious and I delete it. I write out my interpretation of the numbers, of my findings, my gut wrenches then I delete it again."

“Take a break?” Levi weakly suggested.

Hange had laughed at that. The reaction came out of nowhere and Levi found himself speechless and maybe a little confused. Take a break? That had seemed like a natural suggestion. He had at least spent a good few seconds thinking in between listening to Hange’s rant to have come up with such a suggestion.

Either way, from the way Hange had laughed it off and slammed her laptop close, from the way she had sat back on the chair and looked at nothing in particular, the way she had avoided his gaze through the whole tirade and the fit that had followed, Levi was sure that had been the wrong thing to say.

A little ashamed at his own ability to have come up with something a little more comforting, Levi kept quiet. And for a second, he looked up at the own ceiling above him, and maybe distracted himself by appreciating the view from the wide hospital window, following the birds that were doing some sort of dance in the sky

For a moment, he did forget about Hange. She hadn’t helped at all to make herself any memorable, having kept silent.

The silence in that moment had been too peaceful, had been too otherworldly that it was only natural that it would be broken by even the softest and steadiest things.

Like an off-rhythm knock on the door.

“Hange?”

Levi recognized the voice even before his head popped up from behind the slightly opened door. “Moblit?”

Levi looked towards Hange. The latter sat unmoving on her seat, her head bowed down, her face unreadable. Even as Moblit opened the door a little wider and approached her, she hadn’t moved at all or even looked back to greet him. Levi bent over to get a better look at her and saw panic. A type of panic he had never seen before. Panic, confusion, maybe a little urgency. “Hange? Moblit’s here.” Levi managed to say. He kept his voice gentle, a natural gesture having to process Hange’s face at that moment.

“Hey Hange. Erwin told me you’d be here. The others were worried about you--- I was worried about you. You’re supposed to be presenting now."

Hange stayed silent. From what Levi could see, her face was frozen. Was that panic? Shock?

Moblit continued. "I explained your situation… They said they could push it back until this afternoon...You think you can make it?" Moblit paused as he got closer to her, as if waiting for her to say something. He had his phone out,as if ready to call the panelists at any moment.

"Hange. Go to the presentation," Levi said. It was difficult to bend over and make eye contact with her with her head bent down, her eyes downcast. He kept his words firm, hoping at least that was enough to reach her.

“I can’t…” She managed to say. She left her mouth half open, as if she had expected to say something after. She looked back up at Levi, then bit her lip. Levi could have sworn that was the first time he had seen her in such a loss of words yet at the same time, struggling to get something out.

“Hange, go. I’ll be fine…”

“You don’t understand, I can’t… present.”

“Hey, I’ll help you set up. We have until tonight.” Moblit scooched beside her on the table and typed out her password.

“No, you don’t get it, I have nothing…”

“Hey, I’ll help you get a powerpoint. We can revise your manuscript together. That’s what friends are for,” Moblit pressed as he pushed the laptop towards Hange. “Come on, type out your password.”

“No Moblit, there’s nothing in here. It’s over. I’ll try again next year.”

“It’s too early to give up Hange, remember how fast you got Elijah’s data processed? It helped me a lot.”

“You don’t get it do you?” Hange pulled the laptop towards her and angrily typed what could have been the password. The laptop booted to life and from where he sat, Levi made out the characteristic log in tone of the computer. “There’s nothing in the document. Just the introduction. No preliminary results. No observations. Nothing.”

Levi couldn’t see the screen from where he sat. But he did see the flashes of a changing screen through Moblit’s eyes. He could guess the results from the way Moblit’s jaw dropped and the way Hange just avoided both their gazes, keeping her eyes downcast.

Levi maneuvered himself to the side of the bed, getting Hange’s laptop at arm’s reach. His leg protested the action but that was the last thing on his mind. God forbid, what Moblit was seeing at that moment could have been Levi’s first assumption.

Hange… Didn’t you spend hours in the library getting everything written out?

Didn’t you spend whole days outside working in the lab?

Didn’t I fall asleep every night to the angry clacking of the keyboard?

Didn’t I wake up in the middle of the night to you in the dining room writing out your thesis?

She had been writing at least. The introduction, the review of related literature were all filled out. The methodology had been filled out. It was a far cry though from what she had made in high school. Each part had been furnished with links to sources, half completed sentences and maybe a few question marks here and there.

The observations and the results and discussions though, were all blank.

“Hange… You….” What were you doing? This can’t be it. Levi didn’t even know if he had said that last part out loud. His brain was on overdrive trying to prove his own quick conclusion wrong. He navigated through old versions of the document. His hands were quick, maybe they had been moving on their own and the PC couldn’t catch up.

A few times, Levi found himself tapping impatiently on the keyboard as the laptop loaded each version.

More links, more half completed sentences, and a very empty observations and results section. “We can get something written right? Help make a powerpoint? If we work together, we could get something presentable."

Moblit shook his head. He bent down next to Hange and spoke softly. “Does Erwin know about this?”

“I told him to just leave it to me… But I can’t. I can’t write this anymore.” Hange shook her head as she looked up at Moblit then up at him. There was some sort of a smile of resignation plastered on her face, reminiscent of the laugh of only a few moments ago.

That was what the laugh had meant when he had suggested the break.

Of course, she would laugh. There was no time for breaks. There was no time for work either. Hange was royally fucked.

Moblit left the room, neither Levi nor Hange asked for what. For a few more minutes, maybe for even an hour longer while Hange had been in her catatonic state, Levi did continue to look through her drafts, see what kind of sense he could make of the half complete sentences and the links to journals in her document with his limited knowledge on human anatomy.

His background had him very much unready to complete a thesis proposal on a technical subject he studied nothing about, let alone in the span of a few hours. Having been pumped with painkillers and sleeping drought only an hour before, his brain was in no state either to bullshit what he could. Despite all his desperate attempts to make sense of it, to write out something coherent, he found himself converting it back to the state he and Moblit had found it in.

Levi closed the laptop slowly and pushed it towards Hange. He was surprised and a little relieved to find that she did pull her weight, setting the laptop back on the table next to his bed.

Hange smiled at Levi and spoke up. “I appreciate you trying to do all this Levi but… I’ve given up already. I’m not getting this thesis done.”

It was a pained smile. A smile of resignation. A smile that was so clearly telling him that he had definitely wasted those last few minutes pouring through the versions of her document for nothing.

Levi took a deep breath and spoke up. “Then what’s your plan now?”

[butterflymar]

DAY 2: FAVORITE BL DRAMA

I have quite a few... I can’t choose just one so bare with me lol

Life Senjou No Bokura

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: One day after school, the serious Ito and the child-like Nishi meet by chance, as each endeavors to remain walking  on the sidewalk`s white line. As time goes by, Ito recognizes he is drawn to Nishi in a way that is new to him. Nishi, for his part, is frustrated that they only get to meet on the sidewalk. Ito decides to act upon his feelings and kisses a surprised Nishi, who agrees they need to walk side by side for a change. The sparks between them are undeniable as their relationship blossoms in high school, survives the college years, and matures into adulthood. A deeply moving work that bears witness to loving partners, whose unchanging feelings must co-exist within a world of changing realities.

My Personal Thoughts: I already wrote a review for this so I am going to re-share some of those thoughts here. This is one that I have watched countless times already. They went by the manga for mostly all of the episodes and I appreciated seeing that. They gave more context for certain details that may have been lost while reading the manga and translated it to screen. I think they depicted the age gaps well too. For 4 episodes only, I feel that they did a great job including the most important aspects. Actually now that I think of it, I would have loved to see more of them in their early 20s depicted on screen because that was like one of there honeymoon phases and I’m a hopeless romantic lol but that’s just a personal preference not complaining. Also, the show stopped at age 40 and they could have gone on throughout there entire lives but I understand why they chose not too. The manga is great as well!!! I think that the main actors depicted beautiful true love very well. They had amazing chemistry. Japanese BL’s have that special spark about them that I love. I also loved that it showed there relationship from high school till there later years. I don’t see that a lot with BL’s. They usually just stick to one time period. The aspect about them being connected by a line in relation to there love was a nice touch as well. I am glad that it has a happy ending as well. This is a pretty quick one to watch and a great one at that!!! If you haven’t watched it yet, I would highly recommend it!!!

I Told Sunset About You 

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: Teh and Oh-aew were best friends until a boyhood line of reasoning turned them into rivals. Years later as they're preparing for university admissions, both pursuing interests in the field of Communication Arts, the two meet in a Chinese language class. Their reunion awakens complicated and unstable feelings.

My Personal Thoughts: Same as above, I already wrote a review for this so I am going to re-share some of those thoughts here. This is DEFINITELY one of my top BL shows of the year 2020. This is such a beautiful masterpiece of a show!!! I remember when the preview trailer first came out… I was already hooked!!! I was on the lookout for it and it did not disappoint me one bit when it finally started. I looked forward to seeing it every week. It made me feel all of the emotions. I was up here sitting in my room crying over everything. I don’t think any other BL has made me this emotional before in my life. The two lead actors really DELIVERED!!! I could feel every single stare, every single body movement, and every single touch. You could cut the TENSION with a knife!!! No one couldn’t tell me that there wasn’t a magnetic true love between these two. I know this sounds cliche but it's like they were destined to be together from when they were childhood friends. Also, I would love to see them in future projects!!! The cinematography in this show is TOP FREAKIN NOTCH!!! Every single scene is just so beautifully shot. The cinematography alone makes me want to cry lol I saw somewhere that someone said the filming of the show reminded them of an indie film and I totally agree!!! The writing and directing on this show was impeccable to me!!! No cringy dialogue and every single line served its purpose well. This is movie grade writing. I also wanted to quickly just say that I loved the attention and callback to details throughout like with the tutoring book that Teh made for Oh-aew that was left empty by the end of episode 4, the flower that was supposed to be colored the same as Tan’s garment but Teh colored it red because he was thinking of Oh-aew, the rubbing of Oh-aew’s back when he sniffles, the references to Teh’s favorite actor, and the use of Chinese phrases to get meaning across. I could go on and on but wow I just loved how they really connected all of the details throughout. I can’t wait for Season 2!!!

Theory of Love

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: Third is a filmology major and a member of the Savage Team along with his best friends Two, Bone, and Khai, but he has a secret. Third has been secretly in love with Khai for years. For three years, he has kept his secret love in his heart, silently supporting and loving Khai while knowing there is absolutely no future between them since Khai is as straight as a streetlight pole and also an absolute player. To make matters worse, Khai has a "no dating friends" policy. How long can Third love Khai silently while watching Khai bring a different girl home every night? Third has tried to see Khai as just a friend. But has failed time and time again. Because as easy as it is to fall in love, to stop is just as hard.  Maybe even harder. That is until Third learns a secret that breaks his heart completely. But when Third decides to stop, Khai decides to start.

My Personal Thoughts: As sad as this show can make me feel at times, I love rewatching it. I still to this day think that it is one of the most well written BL’s that I have seen. Everything flows nicely and everything connects. Your not left wondering how you got from point A to point B. I thought the show had great character development especially when it came to Khai’s character towards the end of series. I know a lot of people had mixed feelings about his character due to how careless and dare I say stupid he acted at times but if he can make the audience hate him that much as a character... I would say he is doing something right!!! Gun’s acting never fails to amaze me!!! He really is one of the best actors I have seen. I know he had to be drained from all of that crying that he did throughout the show though lol It just goes to show that when you truly love someone you can’t just stop what you are feeling inside that easily no matter how the other person feels about you or treats you. As the old saying goes, love is blind. I also loved the friend group as well and Two and Bones side stories with the teacher and crush from school. They added to the shows greatness and didn’t take away from it. The friendship dynamics throughout the show was I feel something that really kept me engaged. The cast acted well together. There was no awkwardness or hesitation. I feel everyone bought there best for this drama. They incorporated the movie references so cleverly and I love how the title of each episode was the title of a real romance film. Just the overall theme of film was very intriguing to me. This drama left me filled with heartache and a rollercoaster of emotions but the ending is worth it!!!

HIStory3: Make Our Days Count

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: At first glance, high schoolers Xiang Hao Ting and Yu Xi Gu appear to be polar opposites: While Xiang Hao Ting is an outgoing, hot-headed extravert and some-time bully, Yu Xi Gu prefers to keep a low profile and focus on his schoolwork. They seem bound for totally different futures – the bookish Yu Xi Gu looks destined for academic success, while life is just a long popularity contest for Xiang Hao Ting. But a quirk of fate – and a crucial intervention by a female schoolmate – results in the two young men’s paths crossing. But there is more to both young men than first meets the eye. Xiang Hao Ting was not always this way. He started out as a perfect student until he discovered the joys of going off the rails. And Yu Xi Gu has a reason for being so aloof and studious: His parents died in a traffic accident while he was younger, and he is being fostered by his aunt. As such, he works hard to get good grades in an effort to win a scholarship and ease the financial burden on his relatives. Yu Xi Gu also works part-time at a convenience store, where his manager Liu Zhi Gang has developed a crush on a man he has met at the gym. Back at school, meanwhile, Yu Xi Gu and Xiang Hao Ting find themselves drawn together, and passions ignite. The former notices that he has the unique ability to bring Yu Xi Gu out of his shell – and becomes intent on melting his cold-as-ice exterior. What will happen when their two worlds collide? And can love be the catalyst that helps bring these two unlikely students together – as their high school days draw to a close?

My Personal Thoughts: I will stand by this notion for all of my days but this show is one of the best shows I have seen PERIOD!!! Not even best BL shows I have seen but just in general. It highkey saddens me that it is rated at an 8.1 right now on MyDramaList due to how it ended when other than that... it’s a top notch show. This was one that I watched as it was airing and I would get excited to see it every week. My clown self should have known by the title “Make Our Days Count” that some mess was about to occur but I didn’t pick up on it. Now, I just disregard the last episode (WE DON’T KNOW HER!!!). You can just tell that they had a great budget for this series. The production was on point. It had great cinematography, great storylines, and it felt realistic too. The main couples acting was OFF THE CHARTS AMAZING. I loved the whole opposites attract thing going on. Although the show was set in high school... it almost didn’t feel like it nor did it have those typical clichés going on. I liked how it dealt with topic of LGBTQ+ acceptance as well. I wasn’t so sure about the side couples relationship at first but I grew to love them as time went on. One last thing I wanted to point out was that even though I am always looking for a happy ending... I learned from this show that not everyone can get a happy ending. That’s not how life works sadly. In real life, there have been a lot of people who were truly in love and lost there partners tragically. Although it may be hard to accept the outcome, it is something that happens in real life. This is a drama that you appreciate even more as time goes on. It truly is a gem of a series!!!

TharnType

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: Type Thiwat is a handsome freshman with a passion for football and spicy food. Although he’s a friendly boy, he hates gay people because, in his childhood, he was molested by a man. His life turns upside down when the new academic year of college brings along a charismatic roommate, Tharn Kirigun. Tharn is a gorgeous, compassionate music major, who is also openly gay. When Type learns this, he is determined to make Tharn leave the dorm, as he won't live with a gay person. Tharn is equally determined not to give into Type's homophobic tantrums. With a gay guy and a homophobic guy that have to share a small space together for the rest of the year — what can possibly be the outcome of their story? Hatred? Or maybe love?

My Personal Thoughts: *Goes to hide in a corner* I know this drama is problematic and controversial as hell but it’s like a train wreck that you can’t turn  away from. What truly carries the show I feel is the chemistry between MewGulf. I don’t think I would have enjoyed the series as much if other actors were cast in those roles. They just exude confidence, passion, love, and lust. In terms of the storyline, I found it to be a chaotic occurrence of situations where I just had to know what was going to go on next. Everything that occurred had me intrigued for the next episode and so on and so forth. I loved Type’s character development. One quick thing I want to touch on was I know there were a lot of problematic things that happened which I will touch on at a later date but one thing I wish people were more understanding of was Type’s outbursts, thoughts, and feelings in certain situations. He was a victim of sexual assault so I felt the way he handled certain things was in response to what he had gone through as child and I think some viewers kind of missed that and were almost too harsh on him. Everyone processes and deals with trauma differently. This show went through so many twists and turns and I honestly lived for it especially the shocker towards the end of the series. I didn’t see that one coming at all!!! Despite all of its flaws, this show still holds a special place in my heart.

Honorable Mention:

Cherry Magic: As of today, this show has 4 episodes left and I think I am just going to come out and say that THIS IS MY FAVORITE BL OF THE YEAR!!! It’s a beautiful Japanese BL and I rewatch the old episodes while I wait for new ones to come out alot. It’s such a fluffy, heartwarming, and precious Bl series!!! I love it to pieces!!!

[happymetalgirl]

Album Chronology - Death

The whole ranking-albums-from-worst-to-best has been done to death to the point of staleness at this point, but mostly due to the format, at least to me. I’ve read so many damn worst-to-best lists at this point that they’re all kind of predictable even when they’re seemingly trying to force some kind of novelty or surprise factor by putting a fan-favorite or highly revered album really low in a ranked list. It’s all gotten pretty dry at this point, plus, to me, I can’t help but see a little bit of futility in compiling lists for active artists whose next release will render such a list so quickly obsolete. I honestly had the idea of doing something tier-related to make it less rigid a year or so ago, but lo and behold, tier-list videos are the newest horse getting beaten to death. So rather than jumping around an artist’s catalog and tossing in some spicy hot takes, I figured why not take the chronological approach and trace the story of the artist’s creative trajectory, and not spoil the #1 spot by revealing the #2 spot.

So why do these kinds of lists? Also, why Death?

I make this little chronology to offer my insight into Death’s discography partly for the reason so many others have made similar rankings: to appreciate Death’s music and the huge legacy Chuck Schuldiner left through it. But I also make this because I do think my perspective on Death is a somewhat unique one, at least among Death fans. Chuck Schuldiner was an incredibly talented musician and a beloved figure within the world of metal, and that aspect of his legacy has undoubtedly been enhanced by the untimeliness and unfairness of his passing. The guy certainly had a strong presence on the stage and a certain charisma off of it, and his cherishing of animals surely resonates with me as well. Death was also hardly my first death metal band, so I do think that gives me a bit less of a nostalgic perspective on their legacy. I still enjoy a lot of the same things about Death that most fans do, and at the end of this list, it might not really end up being all that shocking or controversial, just a slightly tempered version of what most fans would make. I’m pretty long-winded, so I’ll cut the intro and get into the music: Death.

1987 - Scream Bloody Gore

I have to reinforce my position right from the get-go about having a more measured view of the band’s catalog because the spicy takes come right out of the gate with Death’s debut album, Scream Bloody Gore. The sour really isn’t all that sour and it comes with a little bit of sweet right afterward too: I think this is Death’s worst album. But that just means it only gets better from here, and I do still really like it. It’s a classic in its own right that started Death on a more solid footing than the average debut project in very new territory at the time and I again do genuinely still like it a lot; I own it, along with the rest of the band’s catalog, on vinyl. But it is, as I mentioned, a first step into new territory, and rather naturally primordial, which indeed has its own appeal in the context of the era it came from and for which it deserves tremendous appreciation. There is indeed a lot to appreciate here. I love the persistence of the bass line in the title track, the hooks of songs like “Zombie Ritual” and “Baptized in Blood”, and the amped up Slayer-inspired extremification of thrash metal that would only snowball further as the band and the genre they helped pioneer progressed. But the primary role Scream Bloody Gore served was to lay the groundwork for Death to expand upon in that early era that would itself later become the groundwork for their more ambitious progressive tilt during the second half of their career. I’ll throw it out right here just to get it outbid then way, it’s not exactly a hot take, but some Death fans are partial the other way; it’s probably already evident, but I prefer the band’s second era from Human to Perseverance. Personally I think bands like Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corspe were more suited to this primal gory form of early death metal, and I think Death would have wound up being seen as merely a pretty good band in a tier below those guys if they had stuck with what they were doing with their debut and the two albums that followed for the rest of their career. Again, Scream Bloody Gore is by no means a bad album, or even a rough start, kind of a Kill ‘em All sort of debut that laid solid foundations and allowed for greatness to follow but indeed stands well enough on its own.

7/10

1988 - Leprosy

The band’s sophomore release just a year later showed immediate signs of improvement. The trimmed track list with more meticulously groomed songs (and a greater density of sick riffs) produced several live staples for the band, like the title track, “Left to Die”, and especially the ever-traditional concert-closer “Pull the Plug”. But there was more than just better riffs and more focus on perfecting the songs here. The production on Leprosy was clearer than the band’s debut the year before, and the writing was generally more sophisticated too, incorporating a bit more flashy technicality that would soon escalate to an echelon that would end up characterizing their sound more comprehensively. Soon-to-be vestigial characteristics of the debut album still remained: tons of wailing Slayer-sequence guitar solos, thrashy blast beats, the focus of palm-muted tremolo riffing, and more fantastical, brutal lyricism. But Leprosy presented these more mid-brow elements in a more impressive arrangement than its predecessor.

8/10

1990 - Spiritual Healing

My personal favorite of the band’s grittier first half of their career, Spiritual Healing was really just a more consistent continuation (to my ears at least) of the refined early death metal sound of Leprosy. The band were starting to develop a more signature style of riffing, as well as soloing that they would take with them into their next four albums. By now most of the gory detail was taking the backseat to Schuldiner’s psychological analysis of certain “Defensive Personalities”, parasitic religious manipulation by televangelists, and prenatal cocaine exposure. The more high-mindedness of Spiritual Healing also ushered in another ramp up in the band’s technicality that made the progression into the heady technical death metal of Human a rather natural one. The band’s last album in their so-called “traditional” or “brutal” or “classic” death metal era played around a lot more with the dynamic range of the genre and it really ran the gamut of what Death had done up to that point within that style of death metal and beyond, the title track being my personal favorite example of this ability the band had to contort the genre to fit their more expansive needs while keeping everything in the confines of death metal. It’s my favorite song on the album and of this era of Death’s career. At this point, Death had pretty robustly demonstrated their ability with the genre in its more primitive form, and evolved it along the way quite a lot at that, to the point where they really had nothing more they had to say with the style, an impressive feat after three albums. Sure they could have probably spun their tires in the mud for a few more albums (knowing now that Chuck Schuldiner sadly only had a little more than a decade left), but the direction this album had the band heading in was pretty apparent. The only question was if the band would take the leap into the upper echelons of technicality and explore the new frontier that they were headed toward. Thankfully for us, the band had plenty of ambition left in them. As for the last album of their first half of their career, it’s hard to find many complaints with, and one that capped off this era of Death in complimentary fashion.

9/10

1991 - Human

After reaching their peak with bruntly aggessive death metal, Death’s fourth album began a second act for the band, one that sought to elevate their style to a more progressive form of death metal. It was a change that was pretty strongly indicated by the direction the band had been heading in and the step up in technicality on Spiritual Healing. Human takes the solos and the fast-paced guitar passages and bass lines to new extremes that the genre had never seen before, and the lyrical shift to more heady, cerebral, existential themes fit well with the significantly increased musical complexity that the album introduced. The technically dazzling yet infectious riffing of “Together as One” and “Flattening of Emotions”, the still-tasty hooks of the former and “Suicide Machine”, and the tasty percussive rhythm of “Lack of Comprehension” made those songs live staples. The band were still kind of finding their footing with the compositional aspects of this new realm, but the grounding in the aggression of their previous work with the voyage into the techy unknown was a good thing to start with and a good way to explore some new sonic territory while safely tethered to what was effective for them previously that produced some pretty impressive results.

8/10

1993 - Individual Thought Patterns

Carrying forward the ambition for significantly increased technicality that began with Human on to their fifth album, Death were still getting the hang of things with Individual Thought Patterns, which isn’t all to surprising or something to impugn the band for given the difficulty mode that had selected to play the creative game on, and the band still made some significant improvements with the integration of the hyperspeed technicality into their sound. Even more than the subsequent Symbolic, Individual Thought Patterns made the technicality so much more of a focus where, to me, this was Death’s first bonafide technical death album. Human was definitely pretty technical, but on Individual Thought Patterns, Death cut the cord and let themselves float off into the dizzying cosmos of instrumental technicality and tailored their compositional practices to fit that need. If there was any contingent of fans struggling to keep up with Death’s progression or hoping for a scale-back to the more brutish early albums, they were left behind with Individual Thought Patterns, save perhaps for the consolation of more traditionally groovy closing track, “The Philosopher”, but rampant speed-fests like “Overactive Imagination” and odd-timed melodic groovers like “Trapped in a Corner” quickly became fan favorites. If there’s one thing Individual Thought Patterns lacked, it was balance, but that wasn’t going to be a problem for very long...

8/10

1995 - Symbolic

Ah, Symbolic, there’s not gonna be any surprising bucking of the trend or “bold” underrating here. In a catalog that so many fans regard as perfect, Symbolic stands out as the most common fan favorite, and for good reason. The album synthesized everything that had made Death such a force to be reckoned with in the death metal world. Weaving together the early era’s delicious primal grooves, the elevated technicality that had become a solidified facet of the band’s style, and their newly blossoming progressive inclinations, Symbolic remains the band’s most comprehensively representative and accomplished work, the best place for any newcomer to the legendary act to start, and the best album in their acclaimed discography. The song-writing is tight and interesting from start to finish, seasoned with both tasty riffs and captivating displays of technicality that enhanced the songs rather than the players’ appetites for indulgence, and kept consistently interesting with frequent tasteful dynamic shifts and surprising twists and turns. I would undoubtedly go on forever if I were to detail the brilliance of every song on here, the majestic melodies and winding structure of “Crystal Mountain”, the catchy commentary on mass surveillance of “1,000 Eyes”, the invigorating double-bass of “Misanthrope”, and the iconic riffing of the opening title track. Instead I’ll quickly highlight two songs that seem to go unnoticed that I find particularly beautiful for the unexpected compositional moves Death makes on them. The first is the song, “Without Judgement”, which abruptly drops its techdeath winding to hypnotize with a gorgeous and emotive melodic solo that seems rather uncharacteristic for Death that I just love, and the second is the closing track, “Perennial Quest”. It’s the longest song in the band’s discography up to this point, only to be just marginally eclipsed by “Flesh and the Power It Holds” on the subsequent album, and it embarks on a similarly proggy and melodic odessey to that of “Crystal Mountain”, but it’s the somber and mournful electric/acoustic outro that would soon become all too tragic for Death fans to listen to that concludes the album on such a heartfelt note in such beautifully fitting fashion. There’s no other moment like it in Death’s catalog, and it’s always a solemn, conclusive reminder of just how much light Chuck Schuldiner and Death brought to this world and how lucky we are to have albums like this. I’ll end my sentimental bit here and conclude by briefly summing up my thoughts on the album. Symbolic is Death’s magnum opus and a masterpiece among masterpieces that captures nearly everything that makes Death and death metal appealing and that had made the genre so predominant for decades since, and beyond being their best, to me, it is a perfect album.

10/10

1998 - The Sound of Perseverance

Death’s final album seemed to set them on yet another new musical course after the second run through the steady improvement over the course of a three-album cycle. The longest album of the band’s seven and including the longest songs in their catalog on average, The Sound of Perseverance took Death on quite the progressive joyride, and surprisingly (to me at least) it kind of split and confused some fans who had just gotten used to the band’s digestible technicality on Symbolic. Granted, I was just a little baby bitch boy when this came out, but personally I don’t see why this was such a shock to the system for so many fans (apparently), the band had always been pretty ambitious and this was a pretty logical next step for them to expand their continually expanding sound. The structures on the band’s seventh album are less conventional and more packed with extensive technical passages, and the band do pull out a good few more surprises than they ever did in any album previously, like the acoustic/electric guitar-solo instrumental “Voice of the Soul”. But The Sound of Perseverance is by no means any kind of contrived over-indulgence in ideas grander than what the band could accomplish or frothy wank-fest. The band was already developing a bit of a progressive bend in the previous three-album arc and they simply took it to the next level the same way they did with their instrumental technicality on Human. And fans did indeed vibe with plenty of songs on The Sound of Perseverance, with the impressively vocally high soaring “Spirit Crusher”, the angular and unpredictable “Scavenger of Human Sorrow, and even the lengthy, and indeed structurally confounding, prog-techdeath monolith “Flesh and the Power It Holds” making their way into the band’s setlists on their last tours. And of course the album ends on the well-earned, fun, high-octane cover of Judas Priest’s “Painkiller”, which finds Schuldiner incredibly nailing the songs high melody with his high-pitched death shrieking style (and finishing with never-before-heard clean vocals). For the reputation it has for eschewing balance for high-minded progness, The Sound of Perseverance is by no means a hard pivot from or unrecognizable from Symbolic. Its bold expounding upon aspects of their sound that already seemed pretty evolved while remaining musically engaging and not sacrificing what made their previous work appealing, and sheer magnitude and impressiveness of the band’s third venture into new territory again do sometimes make me question whether I like it more than Symbolic. While it did seem to pave the way for another new mind-blowing era of Death that death took away from us, The Sound of Perseverance has become a glorious and aptly titled swan song and a testament to the band’s and Schuldiner’s relentless ambition and, indeed, genius. Eternal cheers to Chuck and to Death.

9/10

And that’s it, eleven years and seven albums that continually revolutionized death metal and paved the way for so much of what we hear today. Anyone reading this of course probably knows most of all of this, but it’s still astonishing to think about how much Death did for the genre in such a relatively short time, and, for me at least, even having already been a pretty big fan of Death, listening to these albums from Scream Bloody Gore to The Sound of Perseverance, it reminded me more viscerally of the quality of the music and respected legacy of the band that I have always intellectually acknowledged and agreed with, which I figured I’d share here. If, somehow, you’ve come across this and you’re not into Death or death metal but you’re open to it and interested, you’re in for a treat. Put on Symbolic and just enjoy the trip down the rabbit hole.

[para-imperium]

Horizon: Salvaged Heroes Ch. 6

The Resolutionfinished docking with the remnants of Stouton station and Horizon gradually withdrew her consciousness from the ship systems. In a matter of minutes she was reduced from the genius loci of the most powerful ship within a light-year, to just Tanya, small-time scrapper pilot. As she leaned forward in her very comfortable pilot’s chair the stiffness of her joints and an uncomfortable pressure on her bladder reminded her of how long she’d been lying there. Idly, she wondered what would have happened if she’d been plugged in for a full day, and immediately wished she hadn’t.

After tossing aside a video of her chair’s waste disposal systems she wondered where the nearest lavatory was and directions popped up in her head. As she headed over, she called MechRat.

Horizon: Do you have a minute?

MechRat: I’m working on a couple projects here, but I can talk. What’s up?

Horizon: Did you know that my pilot’s chair is equipped with “auto-burrowing catheters?”

MechRat: …

MechRat: I don’t want to look that up do I?

Horizon: Well I didn’t really have a choice. I wondered how long I could stay linked in, and my implants played a video showing how the chair can dispose of waste in graphic detail.

MechRat: Did you use it?

Horizon: NO!

MechRat: Okay, sorry. It sounds like you’ve got a shadow AI in your implant. Really, it explains a lot.

Horizon: What do you mean by “shadow AI?”

MechRat: Okay, so most BCI implants contain some sort of basic AI assistant to help the user. They can run data searches for you, suggest a particular course of action or tool to use, even warn you about dangers in your peripheral vision. Mine’s named “Mic.”

Horizon:So what’s a shadow AI?

MechRat: Some users want their AI assistant to be as unobtrusive as possible, so they get an AI that operates as a secondary subconscious mind of sorts. Reviewing search results feels like recalling a memory, its suggestions seem like your own ideas, it hijacks your reflexes to make you jump out of the way of a falling crate, that kind of thing.

Horizon: That’s what’s in my head now? Sounds terrifying.

MechRat: It’s not that different from your own subconscious, you don’t exactly think about kicking when the doctor taps your knee or about every single muscle movement when you take a walk. Still, there’s a reason I went with Mic when I got my first implant.

That gave Horizon pause. Back when she’d flown her first spaceship she had to work hard to remember which controls she needed to use and when, and had to plan out every little maneuver well in advance. Now it was all reflex, she ran through the sequences without thinking and “eyeball-maneuvered” fairly often. But when she interfaced with the Resolutionshe didn’t need to train in its operation, she just plugged in and knew how to run the ship as if it were part of her own body.

Horizon: That does explain a few things. How do I get it to stop showing me gross videos though? MechRat: It should learn your preferences over time. I might be able to change some of your settings though so it doesn’t open those things automatically.

Horizon: Can you shut it down?

MechRat: Shut it down? Are you sure? Can you even fly this ship without it?

Horizon: Well, no, probably not. But, could you turn it off while I’m not flying?

MechRat: I can try, give me remote access and I’ll see what I can do.

Several menus flashed before Tanya’s eyes, and just as she was finishing up in the lavatory MechRat informed her that he’d changed her shadow’s settings. Before hanging up he gave her instructions on how to restart it, but advised that it would take several minutes to boot up.

As soon as she exited the head she ran into EyeInTheSky, the raven looked impatient. “Pilot,” she commanded. “Your presence is requested at the primary airlock in five minutes. We are meeting with what amounts to leadership on this station.”

Horizon twitched uncomfortably at Eye’s derision of Belter social dynamics, she was almost afraid to see how her boss might handle the meeting. “I’ll be there.” She confirmed instead.

“Be sure to wear a helmet.” Eye added, striding away on her spindly bird legs.

Within a minute Horizon found a disc the size of her palm and twice as thick that was labeled “respirator helmet” and spent several minutes afterward trying to figure out how it worked. There were several flaps and ports on the device, but no visible buttons or controls. Fortunately, a minute before the deadline Lift and MechRat showed up, their heads covered by form-fitting masks of silvery material with polarized lenses that concealed their eyes. MechRat snorted when he saw Horizon struggling with her helmet device. “Bit difficult without your shadow, isn’t it?”

Horizon shot him a judging look, “just tell me how to use this thing, okay?” She said with annoyance.

She could swear he was rolling his eyes under his mask. “Okay, first open your implant’s available connections.” Horizon blinked, and a floating window appeared next to the device in her hand reading “emergency respirator: pair device?” She focused on the “pair” option and a second later another window appeared giving more options.

“Okay,” she said. “It’s paired, what next?”

“Hold it a centimeter from your nose and select deploy mask on the menu.” MechRat advised her.

Horizon did so, and a set of ports on the side facing her face opened up. A silvery mist flowed out of the device and around her head. Her implant advised her to “remain calm” but it was difficult to hold still while a swarm of what she realized must be nanobots covered her head. Fortunately, the mist coalesced into a solid material before long, and formed clear lenses over her eyes. The device she’d initially activated now seemed integrated with the mask, and she felt confident enough to let go of it. A new readout in the corner of her vision indicated that she had eight hours of oxygen remaining at current levels of exertion.

“About time you got yourself ready.” Horizon turned to spy Princeps and Eye approaching the airlock door. Eye was wearing a respirator much like the others, but Princeps wasn’t. Instead, he had bleached his fur from its prior gray and tan hues to solid white. “I understand you might not be particularly attentive to your appearances, but that doesn’t mean the people we’re meeting won’t be. We cannot afford to be recognized.”

Horizon turned away to stare at the airlock door and stand at what she hoped looked like attention, trying to ignore how uncomfortable her helmet-mask felt. Her discomfort must have been noticeable as she got a BCI message from MechRat.

MechRat: I’m working on a device that can cover our faces with a lifelike hologram. I’ve got enough processing power in my implants but the rest of you are still a challenge.

Horizon: Keep me updated.

The airlock door slowly unsealed itself, revealing seams that previously had been invisible to the naked eye. The group entered a small chamber with an equally well-sealed door at the far end and waited as the inner door closed back up. Air cycled out of the lock until they were at equilibrium with the station on the other side, then the outer door finally opened to reveal the rather rusty-looking outer airlock of Stouton station. They heard the thuds of multiple bolts before the door itself gave way to the station on the far side.

“Huh?” Lift looked around in confusion. The inner airlock door was wide open, safety locks should have prevented that, but a malfunction like that was practically to be expected on a station so damaged. It wasn’t until she looked downwards that she came to share the bull’s alarm.

Half a dozen unmoving figures were sprawled across the floor. All of them with graying fur or similarly fading feathers and scales. None of them were visibly breathing, but Horizon was experienced enough to know that wasn’t a guaranteed sign of death in a region of space where oxygen mods were commonplace. She leapt forward to help them without a moment’s thought of what could have caused their state.

A feeling at the back of Tanya’s hindbrain attempted to warn her, but she reacted too slowly and a needle-dart sank into her chest just as she was trying to duck. Looking around for the attackers she spied Princeps, MechRat, and Eye lying prone on the floor in defensive crouches while Lift stood with a heavy arm raised, two darts sticking out of it. MechRat yanked a dart out of the stiffened fabric of his jumpsuit, “armor mode!” He shouted, accompanied by a digital signal.

Horizon felt her own jumpsuit turn rigid around her torso and limbs, though the joints remained flexible. The smart fabric forced the dart out but she noticed to her horror that unlike the one that hit MechRat, there was a spot of blood on the tip. An alert popped into her view informing her that her leukosynths had detected a toxin, while they attempted to identify it Tanya felt her chest grow numb. Her respirator’s oxygen readout jumped wildly, first dropping due to elevated stress levels, then rising due to rapid onset paralysis. She tried to get back up to her feet, stagger back through the airlock into the ship, like her crewmates.

Eye leapt to her feet and flapped wildly back across the airlock. Lift stood tall, letting his armor absorb the following shots. MechRat scrambled on all fours back into the safe haven of the Resolutionwhile Princeps calmly stood in Lift’s shadow, his lapels rising to form an improvised face shield. Horizon took an unsteady step towards the airlock, then another.

A cord that felt as strong as a titanium bar coiled around Tanya’s waist, wrapping itself tight in a way that only micro-servos could do. She was yanked off her feet and dragged across the floor, away from the ship. Lift started to reach towards her, only to stiffen when another voice shouted “retreat!” And then to slowly walk backwards into the airlock.

In a panic, Tanya kicked out, her foot connecting with a hazy figure that appeared to be the same color as the station wall behind it. Adaptive camouflage! She realized, whoever had snagged her was much better equipped than your average poor Belters. But they didn’t give her time to wonder who could be so equipped, another figure stomped down on her free leg and bent it at an odd angle. Tanya screamed in pain as her lower leg should have broken, but the alloys the Federation ship had replaced her bones with bent instead. Another figure, or possibly the same one, pinned her arms down and grabbed at her mask, the nanites held taught, reforming bonds as quickly as they broke.

“The Hel is this shit?” The figure trying to remove her mask protested.

“Just scrape it off!” The other one retorted. The first one unsheathed a knife and started slicing at the nanite mask, flicking off drops of silvery goo as they came off. Tanya tasted blood in her mouth, her face felt hot from the leukosynths trying to repair the damage her kidnappers were carelessly inflicting. Her leg felt rather warm as well, now that she thought about it.

Horizon’s free leg snapped back into place as her localized fever activated the memory metal. She kicked the back of the figure trying to remove her mask. The blur fell forward onto her and she tasted fresh station air as the mask was completely removed.

She felt a second needle-dart pierce the side of her exposed neck. Numbness spread up her face as she saw them place a primitive plastic mask over her muzzle. Tanya smelled the rotten egg scent of hydrogen sulfide and lapsed into torpor.

Is this the end for Horizon? Check out https://www.patreon.com/Zarpaulus to find out a week earlier than everyone else.