#(Dont listen tk anything i say-)

[enkai-yousei]

"I never break my promises. I stopped breaking them when I met you."

Enkai just holds Elijah, enjoying the feeling of being able to hold someone. Meanwhile, a little voice in the back of his mind dreaded the day that he'd finally die.

*There was a knock at Enkai’s door.*

// @tied-to-blood

"Yes'm?"

Enkai's expression turned into a bright smile when he saw Elijah at the door and ushered him inside immediately with a soft kiss on the cheek.

[fakeuwus]

GUILTY CONSCIENCE | sim jaeyun

now playing ☾⋆⁺₊🎧✩°｡ guilty conscience by 070 shake

⁺ ⋆˚ genre: idol!jake x nonidol/femreader, just angst man am i sorry, established relationship

⁺ ⋆˚ warnings: lowercase intended, cursing, being drunk, infidelity, gaslighting(?), baby is used as a nickname, one suggestive text, jay is mentioned BRIEFLY

⁺ ⋆˚ word count: ~1.2k

⁺ ⋆˚ message from nic: i know i already did a piece ab cheating but all of my works are inspired by songs or i try to connect them to a song,,, i just feel it sets the tone of the story and its fun to connect a story to a song!! and since this song is one of my favs atm i HAD to write ab it. i definitely recommend u guys listen to the song while reading or even listen to it after. kinda ironic how cheating is one of my pet peeves (i fr despise it sm dont get me started) yet here i am writing ab it lmao. i promise i'll write something more lighthearted and/or anything that isn't angst soon LOL. but hope y'all enjoy and feedback is always appreciated!

"5 AM when i walked in, could not believe what i saw"

yn: JAKEY JAKE JAKEY pleaseee come tk the club rn i habent seen u since u got nack :(

jake chuckles at the message as he reads it. he glances over at the clock that reads 4:38 AM. he knows that clubs in korea don’t close until 8 but god damn how are you still partying with your friends this late? he figures that you must’ve had a little too much to drink and your party animals for friends don’t help at all.

jake: ik baby but we had schedules right when we landed and im so tired… how are u even still there rn???

yn: TOO MICJ FUN :D

yn: COME HAVE FUN WITH ME BABY ;)

jake: u make it rlly hard to say no to u

jake: ill be there soon<3

jake sighs as he rises from his bed, making sure not to wake jay who’s fast asleep. he envies how jay can be sleeping so peacefully when jake is experiencing the worst jet lag of his life. you being out at 4 in the morning and his racing mind doesn't help him try to get some shut eye either.

he dresses quickly, making sure it's quiet when he exits the dorms. it’s not his finest fashion moment but he could care less about what he looks like. he’s only going out to see you and to possibly save you from whatever crazy antics you and the girls are up to.

jake isn’t going to lie when he says he hasn’t made the best effort to see you after getting back from tour. but he also didn’t lie when he said his schedule was super jam packed these days. he should’ve immediately ran to you as soon as he landed but he just didn’t have it in him. guilt gnawed away at his heart as he hailed a cab to lead him to the club you were having the time of your life at.

jake enters the back of the club smoothly without drawing any attention. thankfully your friends secured a vip table upstairs in a secluded area, making it easy for clubgoers to not notice that an idol was going to a club at godforsaken hours.

approaching the table he sees you right away. it’s not hard to spot your beautiful red dress, hugging every curve on your body. your long hair flows as you sway your hips back and forth. jake smiles to himself. how did he manage to bag the most gorgeous girl in all of seoul, korea? it was clear you were having way too much fun, giggling and dancing with your friends and-

he quietly gasps. the scene before him makes him halt in his tracks. it was like time stopped and the flashing lights began to blind his vision. his heart rate slowed and his palms were becoming clammy.

maybe he was mistaken. there was no way you would do this to him, he thinks. but there you were cuddled up next to a man, drunk out of your mind. jake can't stand another minute watching you and the mysterious person grind up against one another.

in a blinded rage he rushes towards the guy and pushes him away from you with all of his power. “GET THE FUCK OFF MY GIRL!” you shriek and the guy stumbles backwards sending a few drinks flying off of a nearby table. “YOU MIND TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE YN?!”

your mouth is agape and your mind is scrambling to figure out what to say. you know you can’t explain how you were practically dry humping a stranger, too shocked and the alcohol still strong in your system. you're struggling to say something, anything to try to make things right.

“and you,” jake turns and gets too close to the man’s face. “she’s clearly too inebriated to make the right decisions. how DARE you take advantage of her like that?!” you’re confused as to why he’s flipping the script and blaming the stranger but jake rips you away from everyone too fast for you to think another second. you stumble as you’re dragged away to a dark corner.

the two of you are standing in awkward silence, no one daring to say a word. your eyes are looking everywhere but jake. you’re too afraid to see what kind of expression his face has. “jake i-” “no. you don’t get to speak right now. there’s nothing you could say to justify what i just saw.”

ragged breaths begin to come out of your mouth and your chest is tightening. “jake please baby i just- i was so drunk and these guys came up to us and…” your sentence trails off, every word you’re saying just sounds so ridiculous at the moment. he’s right. you couldn’t say anything to excuse your wrongful actions.

“and to think i came here at fuck ass o’ clock just to come and see you. i’ve barely gotten an ounce of sleep these days but i gave that up to come because you were BEGGING for me to be here.” his voice is angry and you know he has every right to be screaming at you. at this point tears are threatening to spill from both of your guys’ eyes. “jake… i know i know and i’m so sorry i swear nothing like that-”

“NO. no just no,” he pauses carefully choosing the words he’s about to say next. “you’re right. there won’t be a next time… we’re done.” the tears that brimmed your lashes are now falling. the alcohol that once ran through you is now gone. you move to grab his hand but he takes a step back. the distance between you two grows larger and he seems out of reach.

“jake please we can work this out! please don’t leave me because of this.” your pleas are ringing in his ears but he ignores them. “we can’t come back from this yn. how could you think i’d ever trust you from now on?! don’t contact me ever. have a nice life.” the loud music pounds on the walls just like your heart is in your chest. you’re left alone sobbing, wondering how you managed to fuck up the best relationship you’ve ever had.

jake stumbles out of the club, trying to clutch onto anything to help him out. the fresh breeze of the night blows onto his face and helps him regain his breath. he struggles to get his thoughts together as he walks down the sidewalk back to the dorms.

maybe he was too harsh with the way he spoke to you but he knew it had to be done. seeing you cling onto someone that wasn't him was his ticket out. he knows that you're absolutely going to be broken for awhile but you'll be okay, right? he knows that you're going to blame yourself for this for who knows how long but you're going to be fine in the end, right?

he convinces himself that it's better you than him because now,

he'll never have to admit what he was doing while he was away from you on tour.

"i caught you but you never caught me, i was sitting here waiting on karma, there goes my guilty conscience."

© fakeuwus 2023 do not repost, translate, or plagiarize

[bangtannism]

Tkkers are the biggest jkkers there have ever been. They're the very embodiment of yelling "I'm not mad" while punching a hole in the wall. If their moments don't mean anything, why are you so mad? But they know that km's moments are significant which is why they desperately play down their relationship, call it fanservice, foist jm off onto other members (liking shipping ymn), anything to make it not real, because they know as well as we do, that if what km do is real and not scripted fanservice, then it blows apart their romeo&juliet fanfiction. For example, if its all real, then jk was drunk spinning jm and jm gave his best friend's "boyfriend" a hickey, and how would that make sense when tae and jm are still so close and loving on each other? If its real, then jk chose to spend the next 2 years with his "boyfreind's" best friend and not him, and how does that make sense?

The problem with tkkers is that they have built this perfectly insulated little belief system where they believe not in what they see, but in what they don't see, which is a nebulous relationship that supposedly exists only in private (I mean they literally brand tk the private couple). They don't even have to be based in reality or think critically because they've come up with convenient explanations for everything. If tk say something that goes against the tkker narrative, well that was the company forcing them. If they say or do something that supports it, well that was them being bold and fighting back. If interactions with another member don't threaten their ship, then that's fine and cute. If it does, well then that's just fanservice pushed by the company. They decide what is the "truth" based on if it already supports what they believe. I firmly believe there would be almost no tkkers today if they didn't stumble upon tkker accounts and become indoctrinated with the ideology because just watching content, seeing their actions, and listening to the boys talk (and believing them) would never lead you to thinking tk are romantically involved.

If its any consolation though, I do think way more army (not just km shippers) do acknowledge km's relationship being unique or sus at times, they just don't say it as much on tkker dominated spaces like twitter, where even using their duo name gets you branded a shipper and makes them mad. Like here on tubmlr, I've only checked the tk tag a handful of times out of curiosity, but the km posts and blogs seem to get waaay more engagement. Or even on reddit, I've see users make comments "like I hate shippers and I would never actually claim they're together, but km do make me questions sometimes LOL" while tkkers coming in hot with their crazy bullshit get shot down immediately there. Also this is anecdotal, but I wasn't involved in the fandom for a long period because of personal stuff (I still kept up with the member's solo projects though), and I was surprised at how much engagement km fan twt accounts get now or just how many big ones there are. At least from my memory a couple years ago, I don't remember km accounts (not just "shipping" stuff, but also accounts for km moments, etc.) getting as many likes and followers as they seem to have now, so I do wonder if the tides are turning (would make sense given recent events, rumors, etc. for tkkers to lessen imo).

They decide what is the "truth" based on if it already supports what they believe.

that's really the entire crux of the problem, nonny. instead of regularly examining their own beliefs and assumptions based on information as it comes out, they simply figure out how they can fit the information into the belief. the ways they come to their conclusions are filled with so many fallacies that it's usually not even worth addressing because if someone is willing to twist themselves into that many knots over their beliefs then theyre not actually going to listen to logic.

and dont get me wrong, shippers of all kinds do this, but i have never seen it with such frequency and aggression as the tkk crowd. once i saw someone on tiktok claim that jk only ever mentions th on his lives. when they were told that jk does indeed talk about other members on live (they'd know if they watched og content instead of just socmed clips), the person actually refused to believe it. that's not only absurd, but it brings me to my whole conclusion about why tkkrs constantly write off and redefine moments from other pairings (and obviously especially jikook):

if tkkrs took in all the information without trying to fit it into a pre-established narrative, their ship would fall apart. even if we assume that every other pairing in bts is platonic only, tkk does not hold up. the things they do for each other, say about each other, the things others say about them, the amount of time they spend together and activities they do, the way they touch and cuddle and joke, none of it truly stands apart from the rest of their friendships. especially when we take vmn and jikook into consideration. so the only way to make romantic tkk make sense is by simply ignoring or rewriting reality.

they have to imagine that jk only cooks for th, only sings for th, only spends free time with th, only does this that and the other thing for th because if they acknowledge that jk doesn't do these things for th exclusively, what do they have? (also it's really fucking weird that their entire ship seems to hang in the balance on what jk does – they really are so threatened with how jk behaves with jm that they're constantly trying to redirect that attention from jk to th.)

as a jikooker, i am sure you have heard so many of us talk about exclusivity and consistency, and tkk just does not have that. 🤷‍♂️ i enjoy seeing tkk together and i enjoy their friendship but at the end of the day, that's all you can glean from their interactions unless you start making stuff up.

as for engagement from army in general on jikook, i do think that a lot of the time the lack of it comes from fear because fandom culture as a whole has become so volatile towards rps. but why is it that jikook comments are automatically seen as more shippy than ones about other pairings? that's what doesnt make sense unless everyone else is seeing what we're seeing. talking about the "sus" stuff between jikook forces people to acknowledge that it is actually sus and that makes them uncomfortable because nobody wants to be branded a shipper in our current fandom climate.

but yes, imo there has been a turn in tides for jikook within the fandom. i talked about it before that jikook began gaining popularity quickly in 2017 which was then solidified with gcft. i think that the 'jikook wave' so to speak probably won't ebb unless we actually see a shift in their dynamics or they start dating other people. i am really curious to see the state of the fandom and jikookers after military service tbh.

[alaydabug2]

I freaking HATE being the "Good smart kid"

I used to love it and be proud

But I HATE it now

Context:

I'm the youngest (and only girl) of four siblings

All my brothers are significantly older than me

Like 5, 10 and 13 years

The thing is they're very booksmart

Key word

BOOKsmart

But they don't apply themselves and even try

2 of them were in gifted and beta but they dropped out and didn't care

1 (who has a genius IQ) ended up doing drugs and stealing and ended up in prison

One knocked 2 girls up (one baby mama being legit cray cray) and is a dead beat to both kids

1 nearly dropped out of highschool and us 19 married to a 28 year old with 3 kids (who only really seems to be there for his paycheck)

Well (minus when I was younger) I am the "good child"

I behave do well and apply myself in school

Just got into gifted and starting out freshman year with all honors classes and in beta

I LOVE learning and stuff

But the pressure is getting to be a LOT

Im known by my classmates for being the smart kid and they only really talk to me and include me for awnsers on stuff

They get mad when I try to just help and guide them instead of flat out giving the awnsers

With my parents I'm their "last hope" cause the other three screwed up

I've always been known as the happy little girl and so I don't like crying in front of them because I don't want to worry them

Especially about stupid like this

And I've always done well in school

SO MUCH SO that when I get any sort of grade below a 90 they ask me "are you ok do you need help"

And it makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough (even though they are objectively GOOD GRADES)

Even if they don't say anything when I see anything below a 90 I feel really dissappin in myself

Yeah those jokes about "Oh I did so bad on a test I got a 88"

Yeah that's me

Then furthermore

I just had to miss 2 weeks of the first weeks of school from surgery

And when I got all my makeup work I just had a breakdown because it was SO MUCH to do

First week of high-school EVER in honors

That's a lot

I had a full on BREAKDOWN cause I was stressed out and I didn't want to miss that much school

My mama got upset with me because I was having a freak out (cause I don't usually act like that)

It's not my parents are bad

Not at all whatsoever and love them so so so much

But I feel like I'm not allowed to mess up or get a bad grade now and again because I've always been known for the smart good happy girl

I feel like I can't stray from that in being afraid of dissappinting them and myself

The bar I set myself is so high cause I want to do something with my life because my brothers just dont

I feel like I need to make up for what they didn't do with the potential they had

I don't want them to be sad when I'm lonely at school cause I have friends (I guess)

But I'm not really included in the planning they do (like homecoming) and I don't want to ask to join cause I don't want to be needy and annoying

I'm sure they'd be fine if I did ask but I don't feel like I know them enough to do thay and I don't want to be weird

And when my mama asked me today if they did include me unlike my other school where I just sat and watched I just told her they dud cause I didn't want her to be sad

I literally don't know what's wrong with me

Ik they don't HAVE to be my friend and include me in everything

Thats why I don't ask

Cause they literally DONT have to

I don't want them to feel obligated to either

Cause I've been on that and of the aisle too

And being stuck around someone you don't like but pretend to tk not hurt their feelings sucks

But at the same time.... I just really miss my best friend

I just want to know why I can never get good friends who include me in things and listen

They're either toxic or I'm the pitty friend

Am I really that annoying

But then when I act "normal" and I'm more quiet I just still....

I feel like they don't like me

I've HEARS some of these girls talk about saying others are annoying thay I thought were friends and didn't want to hurt the others feelings

I always get scared I'm that friend

I'd stay by myself but

I CRAVE companionship

Ik some of you are happy to be on your own

But I'm not that

But I'm starting to think feeling lonely is just my best option at this point

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it

I don't want tk worry my parents

I'm not gonna go around asking my friends "am I annoying"

By bsf lives an hour away

I just... don't know what to do about anything anymore

[the-kipsabian]

Kip Sabian.

Please go off.

anon i respect you so much for this but i hope you know what you have just done LMAO

tl;dr - hes absolutely perfect in every way possible. love of my life

hes just.. so innovative. his character work is absolutely fucking masterful, no matter which one it is. all of them are so delightfully different from one another but you can still see the same man behind all of them and thats just talking about the range of the character work and the clear work and effort he puts into everything he does, be it just the characters themselves, the promos, in-ring work, anything. he always goes all out, hes creative as hell with them (name me one other person that gets over with a box on their head i dare you) and it truly shows how loving and passionate he is about this whole wrestling thing and that he just absolutely gets it. also he just has fun with it and it shows. anything from cocky indie superbad to coward best husband superbad to boxman to whatever the cringe failure era was lmao and now the sex idol. he just does it all and he does it flawlessly and i will throw hands with tk if he doesnt capitalize on this man soon i sWEAR TO GODDAMN

his in-ring work is incredibly good. watch literally any sequence hes ever had with orange cassidy and you see what i mean. hes improved from that too (since the last one of those was a quite long while ago now), he can hang with pretty much anyone. i like it the way he says it himself, he can literally make anyone look good and no one has ever complained about having to work with him in the ring. which says a lot about how good and talented he is imo. he can do it all, be it more grounded moves or recently hes been doing a lot more jumps and top rope moves which! exciting!! cause it just adds to his arsenal and shows off that flexibility even more and its just so insanely good. like fuck man if you can get someone who can hang one-on-one with someone like vikingo like he did a few weeks back, thats a fucking keeper. dont you dare forget that

im not gonna take this moment to talk about his promo stuff cause i will literally be here forever. watch this and get back to me later about why im right that hes incredible at this shit with the tone and again character work and just overall presentation. even if its now a bit more comedic with the sex idol, its still an absolute delight. also i could listen to him talk forever, he has my favorite voice in the entire world and his accent is delicious and good fucking lord

PRESENTATION. hes just really fucking hot okay. i thought he was cute before but my god. the hair, no matter the version, on point. the eyeliner, gorgeous. nail polish, good lord (he needs to bring it back tbh its been a while). the outfits, holy shit i cant say words. i have done an extensive gear study to show how truly insane he makes me about his looks, not to mention the goddamn casual fits/suit game. jesus take the wheel. his smile is fucking out of his world and the laugh lines he gets are maybe my favorite feature on any human ever. hes fucking delicious and what of it

also arms. i dont think i need to say anything more i have also turned into a back admirer girlie (gn) because of him so like. uuuuuh

AND THEN. hes just a fucking delightful human being in general. is he stupid and cringey? yes, but arent we all. it just shows how human he is. just like us. ive so many times wondered how if we lived on slightly different timelines, we might have genuinely been friends cause he reminds me so much of guys of the same age that i know and im friends with. like we would have meshed pretty well together if circumstances were different lmao. that just shows me how genuine he is tbh. hes just fucking nice, hes very supportive, tries his best to be a good ally (i have both seen this and have first hand experience on it so dont @ me saying im wrong or its performative, i have way too many cases to prove that hes fr fr) and.. yeah. ive never heard anyone that actually knows him say anything bad about him. he has his flaws, obviously, cause nobodys perfect, but he makes up for it with what ridiculously good he has in him. this is a man with so much potential and love to give to the world both in his personal and professional lives and hes just needs his chance to shine so fucking badly, in all areas of life

im gonna stop now before i get too emotional but. yeah. he means fucking everything to me 💜💜

[caeliangel]

@redacted-coiner back again with commenting on stupid anons this one the anti endo.

Personally, I don’t tend to step into identity discourse due to the fact I really just, don’t care what someone says they are.

Endos and others who aren’t Traumagenic, are just living. Having people go to them to tell them to break the damn legs???? Wtf? I feel like some anti endo ppl have like god damn like self righteous when it comes to thinks like terms, conditions, etc. I’m also a system and we’ve had one of our flags reposted without any credit because the flag happened to be on a place like Pluralpedia.

Anti Endo ppl can be, fine, but it gets to place where your busy aggressiveness makes people not listen to you. Whatever someone identifies as is not your damn business, leave them alone. If someone is faking something, calling them out or harassing them doesn’t help, if anything it feeds them.

Ppl who are so aggressive over this shit annoys me so god damn much.

It's genuinely so stupid, people have no respect whatsoever. People like this can't even fathom coexisting with individuals who have different opinions. If you follow me and dont support endos, idc. If you follow me and do, idc either. Follow me and you don't support some queer labels? God idc I can't even check my whole following for obvious reasons. My flags are for fun, they were never made to hold beliefs. Nor did I want to ever state my stances that much. This is supposed to be fun for everyone.

Some anti mspec people reblog my terms, do I think their stances are strange? Of course I do. Would I harrass them? Fuck no. I'm better than this. We all should be better than this.

Also yeah forcing stuff upon others rarely makes them listen. Can we just stand back and be normal for two seconds. When Im mean I usually don't care about not being listened, but clearly here there's a point they're trying tk make and I will not take the point whatsoever cuz telling me to break my legs doesn't rlly make me want to join their side does it.

[womanpl3aser]

Her kind of 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 ᖭི༏ᖫྀ

୨୧

Wrote this while listening to ⬆️

Hope you guys enjoy it)

Sfw, fluff♡.

"Give it back els it's not funny!" You'd whine because of someone named ellie stole your phone

"Dont whine hun" she'd playfully say "'s not funny els I seriously lost a cute puppy video" you'd reply

"Well u will find another one later y/n, pay attention to me a little" she'd nudge ur arm to catch more of ur attention "okay fine, what do you wanna do els?" U'd question "mm let's go and bake something likeee.. PIZZA!" she'd get an amount of random excitement, you'd giggle with her silliness and agree with what she said because how could you say no to such a sweetheart "come on come on come onnn I wanna bake, hurry up babeee" she'd grab ur arm and run downstairs.

☆☆☆

In the kitchen

"Sooo.. let's watch a tutorial cause I don't know a single thing about baking" she'd admit "Well let's get to work then shall we?" You'd say.

"Woah,this is more complicated than it was in my mind." She'd scoff, "Come on babeee it is easy, you just cut the peppers and apply the pepperoni on the dough.. See?" You'd assure her, "no it isn't I don't know a single thing about cooking pup, just saw a really cute video of a couple and I wanted to do it with you" she'd murmur "awww really els? You're so cute babyyy" You'd start pecking her cheek "stopp hun and put the sauce on it" she'd try to playfully push you away (still giving you thousand more pecks back)

● After 20 minutes of cutting,applying and putting in the oven.

"Okaaay so now we have to wai-" "and do what?" Ellie would smirk "cut it out eeeels" "but I didn't say anything" she'd still have that dumb slight smirk plastered on her face "let's go watch TV in the living room I heard there's a new movie on Netflix its called "I/N" "are you sure you wanna watch that?? We can resume "mean girls" because we're almost in the end of that movie" she'd remind "oh shoot yeah, you're right totally forgot about that movie" You'd giggle "wait for me I'm going to check and oven and be right back.

"Alrightyy so the pizza is halfway done so it means we still have time to watch it" ud say snuggling on ellies side "okay babe I'm putting it on" she'd kiss your forehead. 10 minutes pass "dangg why did she have to do her that dirtyyy" "that's what I'm saying! But maybe she's going to get her revenge who knows" U'd reply genuinely invested of what's going to happen next. Another 10 minutes pass *ding* "THE PIZZA" Ellie would shoot up from her seat and jog towards the kitchen "excited huh?" You'd say from the living room "u have no ideeeea" Ellie would answer muffled from the kitchen "hey u goofball wait for me" ud sprint to the kitchen to see what she's up to, "Ellie, love, you're going to burn ur palms if you are going to touch it without the proper gloves" You'd laugh "psssh I am the pro here" and just like that she'd open the stove to grab the pizza and immediately get burnt on her pointer finger "Oh my God els, get away from there and come here!, I warned you about opening the stove" You'd rush and grab some ice to put on her finger, "I am fine babe relax" she'd drag the x to piss u off "babe." You'd say while searching for an ice cube. "Here put this on" "thanks babe.. NOW LETS GET TK EAT IM STARVING HERE." She'd say "okay my starved woman, pizzas served" You'd rush to place the pizza on the plate and pass it to her "thanks love" she'd immediately start eating "where's your piece?" She'd question with food in her mouth "not that hungry to be honest" she'd stop chewing "babe, there's no way you'll eat without me, grab yourself a slice before I do it myself" she'd say sternly but still making it sound in a playful tone "but I'm not hu-" "y/n dont make me repeat myself, grab yourself a slice and I'll eat the leftover" "okay els" You'd go over to the counter and grab a plate to put your pizza on "here, now let's continue our pizzas while watching TV im seriously impatient to see what she'll do!" You'd get up from ur chair waiting for Ellie "okay my impatient girl let's go" she'd peck you and take you to the sofa by your waist.

Really need an ellie in my life dudeee

[himbos-hotline]

do you have a favorite thing you’ve written, and if yes why? -🐦‍⬛

I have a few things that I consider my "favourite" things ive written. Like theres fics that have a special place in my heart for reasons and theres some that I just think are fucking well written in a great way in a writing style that is just me, and thats pretty fucking great like not to brag or anything but all my years of writing I think right this moment is the best ive ever written. I love the art that im sending and showing to yall guys!

NGL theres a lot cuz im getting better at like, being proud of myself nowadays

We made our peace with weariness and let it be. I wrote this on a train going to see Bonnie and Clyde in the theatre. I like how I write kenny here- how I focus on the more unsure, shy almost unwilling participant in everything his body and brain says.

An open hand [for your other man] Again a fic that means a lot to me personally for just how its written. Again I focused on more on the fact that Kenny Omega will do anything for the people that he loves, even if that comes at the expense of said people he loves and himself.

I'll tell you my sins and [you can sharpen your knife] The first of what I think is three fics starring my OC Jay. The most recent fic ive written. It focuses a lot on Jay and Cole relatioonship and the terrifying idea of being known and Cole learning to forgive himself fopr his sins back in NXT. Both Jay and Cole learn that betrayal doesnt always mean the end of everything.

The ghost story would be over Another Jay fic that focuses more on his friendship/brotherhood with the BCC and eventually how she joins the Elite. I dont know why this means a special place in my heart and I swear I know where this fic is going despite my utter lack of updates with it

I find myself alone at night [Unless I'm having sex] Yknow how I constantly talk about Kenny being too scared to love and therefore having to constantly leave Hangman and Hangman constantly expecting to wake up alone. Yeah, thats this entire fic and I know it was meant to be like, a happy fluffy fic but its one of personally, the saddest fics Ive written because at least while writing it, you feel hangmans utter sense of lost and longing consume him by the end.

To you I'm just a man [to me you're all I am] My first ever aew fic. Written when I couldnt tell the Bucks apart and i was producing content daily. It means a lot to me because i think that ive gotten better as a writer but theres some scenes that I think are ngl movie quality; like the flashback would be all sad and hazy and I think the fic feels the same as listening to piano man by billy joell

Would you love me more [If I killed someone for you?] Adam Cole gets murdered the fic. I think this is the fic that has the most fanart potential of mine. Like theres some great imagery that would like, explode so much fanart or other content.

Getting you off is my new favourite hobby The last of the Jay fics on this list, and my first time writing smut. Theres something about this fic that feels so deeply emotional and soft despite being about sex in hangers kitchen. I think its the underlying acceptance adam shows to jay and the utter love that he has for zem before and during and after sex.

Blood is as rare and as sweet as cherry wine 4 thousand words of hangman being so deeply in love with kenny omega it hurts him. Kenny is deep in his cleaner persona [or in my world, cleaner is fronting and kenny is trapped, watching him ruin everyone kenny loves] and this fic, reading it again makes me wanna throw kenny omega into a wall and just let hangman beat the fuck outta him and then fu- *gets shot by TK*

[terrifickid]

Listen,

We may need to stop these emails. You're not registering anything I'm telling you. Also, it's just at face value unreasonable for you to be determining and characterizing the state of my health based on what few conversations we had 3 years ago. 

I included you in this process for some reason and I hope that the people supporting me will do so by supporting you.

Thanks

Tk

On Thu, Dec 21, 2023, 7:14 PM frenchcowgirl <frenchcowgirl@att.net> wrote:

Is is possible to hire a driver?  I will help to pay for the drivers to get you to your appts.  

Just to clarify, i know i have not seen you much over the last 10 years and im not saying things were perfect but in the communications we have had you sounded the most functional when you were on and stayed on the meds permiacare gave you...im not saying everything was perfect but i defintely see a big difference since you went off and started the cbd oil.  I dont believe the cbd oil is the answer.  Would you be willing to talk to permiacare about the monthly shot?

You have  a better chance of getting ssi

Than Graces brother..im sure of it and you can have an attorney for back up.

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

-------- Original message --------

From: tk <tk@terrifickid.net>

Date: 12/21/23 5:03 PM (GMT-08:00)

To: Sunny Elizabeth <frenchcowgirl@att.net>

Cc: Aaron Rhoades <am_rhoades@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: Welcome to the SOAR Online Course: Adult Curriculum

How is this helpful? Your wishful thinking and non-grasping of the basic fundamentals here is more demented than my own schizoaffective delusions.

They de-enrolled me because I could make my appointments. I didn't offend them. They already said I could come in. You haven't seen me in 10 years and I've never been doing great. There's no reason to go back on medication that I went off of after 1 months because meditation was more effective. Grace's brother was never able to function and was granted SSI, but I will not.

I am completely alone.

On Thu, Dec 21, 2023, 6:59 PM Sunny Elizabeth <frenchcowgirl@att.net> wrote:

Please try again with Permiacare again… consider an apology if you caused any uncomfortable situation with them, not meaning to and humbly ask them to help you with your treatment.  You really do need them to help you.  They have history with you and they are close enough by to help  The medication, though you may not like gaining weight is the most helpful Ive seen and witnessed you be the most functional on. Once again, Grace’s brother struggled with taking the medication until he went on the monthly shot and this has made the biggest difference for him, he really likes it and never forgets to go get the next shot it helps him so much…please consider trying this route…you might be pleasantly surprised!  In the meantime we can work on getting your application in once you get all documents needed to apply…it will work out, you will get accepted.  I’m sure of it and so is Grace.  OK?  We are here to help you thru this process and you are not alone.  I see you have many people that care about you and want to be supportive.

On Dec 21, 2023, at 4:03 PM, tk <tk@terrifickid.net> wrote:



Looks like Daniel Gregory is out. Can't/ won't help.

I don't know why it's so difficult to fathom that help for people like me is unavailable.

On Thu, Dec 21, 2023, 4:30 PM tk <tk@terrifickid.net> wrote:

Hello!

Well I can't get rides there and they already de-enrolled me for not showing up. Also I don't know what magic world everyone is living in that permiacare is going to save the day. My positive symptoms are already under control.

I'm going to attempt to enlist the aid of cowboy faith alive church after the New Year to carpool me to my appointments since they go back and forth every Sunday.

I've already been ignored in my statements that I will 100% go back on medication that didn't improve my situation. This is as a formality to prove medical treatment isn't available for my incurable and terminal degenerative neurological disorder.

I'm doing all of this and documenting it all to attempt to qualify for AD because the alternative is completely horrifying and unacceptable.

I don't believe I will qualify for AD - and that will put me in a very precarious and adversarial relationship with everyone else I'm sorry to say. Where I would be born a political criminal for having a health condition.

For the love of God, I fully encourage everyone to deeply consider their commitment to denying me health care I can afford today.

Richard 

On Thu, Dec 21, 2023, 4:16 PM frenchcowgirl <frenchcowgirl@att.net> wrote:

Dear TK...

Have you been able to get an appt at permiacare?  Possibly consider getting back on meds they offer and getting documents needed from them in order to apply and fill out ssi paperwork?  I can help you on monday if you want to set up an appt or just have a conversation what to do next?  I will fill out the paperwork for you if i can get each document i need, one at a time if that helps.  At least get you in the line.

Were you able to talk with dr Grier?

I care...Mom

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

-------- Original message --------

From: tk <tk@terrifickid.net>

Date: 12/21/23 1:19 PM (GMT-08:00)

To: dignitas@dignitas.ch

Cc: Sunny Elizabeth <frenchcowgirl@att.net>, Aaron Rhoades <am_rhoades@yahoo.com>

Subject: Fwd: Welcome to the SOAR Online Course: Adult Curriculum

Hello!

This is Richard Croft again. I'm making slow progress putting my justification together. I've still not been able to work/find work. I've started hearing voices. I have reached out to everyone I know and the best plan anyone has is to somehow qualify for US disability benefits from the federal government - according to our resident expert a random disability lawyer it just isn't that simple. 

Meanwhile I'm falling apart and headed into homelessness. It's not reasonable to expect family friends to take care of me and it isn't a long term solution. I noticed you hadn't replied to my last email - are you still able to provide AD assistance in switzerland? As documented I'm enlisting the help of a local church to get transportation to nearest ward in the next city over to re-enroll in their program and get the paperwork of their diagnosis. 

So far nothing has really surprised me and I still think AD is my only humane option for a future.

Thanks!

Richard



---------- Forwarded message ---------

From: SOAR Works! <soaronline@samhsa.hhs.gov>

Date: Mon, Dec 18, 2023 at 4:38 PM

Subject: Welcome to the SOAR Online Course: Adult Curriculum

To: <tk@terrifickid.net>



Hello SOAR Online Course Enrollee,

Thank you for your interest in the SOAR Online Course: Adult Curriculum!

As you begin the course, be sure to review the Course Introduction. It provides important details about the course along with troubleshooting links.

While you are free to read all the information in the course to learn about SOAR and the SSI/SSDI application process, submission of a Practice Case Application Packet is geared toward case workers who will be assisting with disability applications using the SOAR model.

If you choose to complete the Practice Case, please note that when you enrolled in the course you agreed to the following: “In completing the Online Course Practice Case, case managers are required to do their work independently and not copy others or submit “joint” work. This is a requirement to receive a SOAR Certificate of Completion and 20 CEUs from the NASW.”

If you have any questions or need assistance, please contact us at soaronline@prainc.com or 518-439-7415 x2.

Sincerely,

SAMHSA SOAR TA Center





SSI/SSDI Outreach, Access, and Recovery (SOAR) is funded by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) and is a national program designed to increase access to the disability income benefit programs administered by the Social Security Administration (SSA) for eligible adults and children who are experiencing or at risk of homelessness and have a serious mental illness, medical impairment, and/ or a co-occurring substance use disorder.

--

tk@terrifickid.net

4322350178



[naranciiiasolos]

the day i took senior photos made me actually want to kms. that day i felt so ugly and big. i felt like everything was so ugly. i remember thinking when i saw my friends having their photo taken “ wow they all just naturally look pretty “ after my photos were taken i actually felt like crying in that moment. i saw them and just wanted to burst into tears because i literally thought i looked so ugly. i hated everything. i hated how shiny my face was, i hated how my eyes looked i hated how my smile looked crooked i hated my double chin. i hated everything. i hated how big i looked no matter what. but i thought to myself “ hey no its ok cause when you get home you can show these photos to your mom and dad and they’ll call you pretty “ i came home already feeling super shitty about myself. i show my mom the photos and she just stared. i showed my dad and showed him the one i choose and he just went “ i dont like the one you picked “ i kinda laughed it off and walked away and went straight to my room. i ripped those photos. i locked myself in my room for like 4 hours literally just crying and telling myself how much i hated myself. i dont know why. like yea i still feel lile this but why was i so damn dramatic. i think i just wanted somebody to call my pretty that day. i usut wantef to hesr one nice thing about me. thats what i dont like about myself. i feel like im ugly because people dont call me pretty. im slowly starting to like the way i look. im kinda learning to love my double chin and my stomach. sl its improvement. but i still need to get diet. back in 2017-2022 my dad liked to have these conversations with me about my weight. i always hated them but ik hes just looking out for me. i just dont like the way he does it. he liked to compare me and sisters weight a lot. he actually compared me to my sister a lot. my sister noticed it too. i love my sister. we never show much affection towards each other. we almost never hug or say i love you. but i think we both just know. we never have to say it. i miss her. shes the only thing that keeps me sane tbh. she was a huge comfort to me back in 2020. she didnt have to say anything. just knowing shes listening or is by my side is enough for me. i was listening to an old playlist i made back in 2020 whoch made me remember everything that happened that year. somebody came out for me to my parents. my parents are cool with it i think. idk i just remember my dad having a talk woth my sister and me in their room. when they called me into their room i got the feeling that they knew. so i already expected my dad’s reaction. he was mad that i didnt tell them first. i didnt want to. i was scared that everything was going to change. i didnt want it to change. i didnt want them to look at me differently. i was scared they were going to completely stop talking to me. they mentioned it jn the past. so ofc i wasnt going tk tell them. i remember having a full on oanic attack. i literally couldnt breath. i was crying a whole bunch. i was suffocating. i was terrified about what he was going to tell me. after he went on gis rant he stopped talking to me. until the next day. he walked into my room and told me he loved me no matter what he just didnt want me to such a big decision early on into my life. the thing is i knew since i was in 7th grade. ive just been questioning if i felt the same about men. i still dont know but i remember him crying and telling me how he was sorry for how he acted. he hugged me and it was like a 10 min hug. i love my dad. but that year i was kinda pushed away from him my dads relationship with me kinda changed. he seemed more distant from me. he has gotten better. in fact hes a lot more accepting. we just havent talked about that incident since. tbh idk how i even got here. but i think i need therapy. but i really feel embarrassed of telling my parents

[awonderlandsystem]

Zoe didn't get enough sleep!!

It is NOT a good morning. Not enough sleep makes Zoe a crybaby! I don't wanna get out of bed. 3 hours isn't long enough. It isn't fair. I used to get to sleep till 9. I like 9. I dont like 7. 7 is the devils hour! RJ's new schedule gives him a day with no parent jobs. Nothing. He literally gets to duck out of parenting and chores now cause he works 3am-12. Bruh! What's frustrating is the things, stupids things we are stuck and confused on with making this household work is insurance and school. None of us understand it or can figure out how do that whole adult area. Had it figured out once! Something happened and everything went to hell. Super bad triggering stuff for Eva now. It puts her into a breakdown. Something in 2019 pushed her over the edge. The only thing I remember about 2019 is losing my- oof prolly shouldn't say that. I know Eva wants to move the kids to a different doctor cause the one they go to is really mean to her and she comes home and cries each time. I told her to call social services and maybe they would help, and help us too. She thinks they will come and take the kids away because she's not perfect even tho no one is perfect. Few more weeks and we'll be with mom. I dunno how I'm the only one happy with that. Mom buys me snacks and listens to my stories. Yeah sometimes she's kinda mean and there's the whole parentification part and having to call 911 on her before but people can change. You know what I'm NOT thinking about? Everything that comes after moving. That's a then problem. That's a if I think too much about all the responsibility coming I'll get scared and back out problem. I don't wanna sabotage this cause I get scared about the mom stuff. Honestly I wish someone woulda consulted me about that cause I woulda said no way. Nothing against them. They're cool kids and I like em. I don't think I'm any good at the mom role. Eva's good at it, even Halo. It's hard for me. Super hard. Ikelos too. We get overwhelmed. I don't have the patience Eva does. Tho with this schedule change everyone is wearing thin. We're gonna get out. Find a nice doctor for them like we had on the other side of the state. Get them in school and get the special needs services going again for them. Not the ABA, hated that stuff. Pretty sure that's made things worse with some stuff. We qualify for this thing called respite care or something. Cause the oldest is special needs, autistic. The youngest maybe too. Eva thinks it's something else with him. Oppositional something. Can't talk about that stuff with RJ the asshat cause everything is an argument or our fault. I'm trapped upstairs with the kids till he's done with work at noon so they don't bother him. I wanna go back to bed. What the hell am I supposed to do up here for that long with 3 kids? He could go into the office. That would make things so much easier. He could let us go to bed before he starts work at 2-3. Meh if he went back to the office tho he'd put cameras back up around the apartment to watch me. That's a whole nother creepy story. Coulda been sexy. Just saying. He makes everything feel wrong. Brittany always says if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all but he's an asshat. We were drowning long before TK came here, begging for help and instead helping he tried harder to erase us. How fucked is that?

[moderatelypanickedbiromantic]

relationship status: perpetually searching for that one person who will listen

[jcsontodd]

I'm gonna try and sleep more

[emailclub]

sad 2nite

[ravens-words]

Congrats on 600 ej! You know I’m a sucker for angst so 💔 “is it worth it” + “don’t lie to me”

So much love!!! 💚💚💚

Also requested: Hello! Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!! 🌹🌹🌹❤❤❤🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘 May I ask for “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” + "Dont lie to me"+ Tarlos (preferably some hurt!TK?), please 1❤ AND Angst: “Were you ever going to tell me the truth?”- tarlos

Thank you, Holly and anons for the prompts 🖤

you take the pain whenever I'm in hell again

TK lay on their bed, eyes unfocused and slightly blurry as he stared at nothing in particular. He didn't move an inch- he was still in a way Carlos had never seen him before. He swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried desperately to think of something to do to help him. It hurt more than he was willing to admit, to have TK so close, and still be unable to reach him.

He pushed off the wall, walking in slowly as to not startle him, and sat on the bed.

TK didn't so much as blink.

"Baby," Carlos muttered, leaning down to rest his cheek on TK's arm as he ran a hand through his hair.

TK's eyes closed, and the tight set of his shoulders loosened slightly. "Please, talk to me. I know something's going on- I know you're not okay."

TK shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me," he pleaded with him, "I know you're not. You haven't been fine since you came back from New York."

He shrugged.

"TK-"

"I'm tired," he interrupted him, "I just wanna sleep."

Carlos didn't push- knew he'd get nowhere if he did. So he just sighed, then rounded the bed and lay beside him, leaving only an inch of space between them.

It only took a few seconds for TK to turn around and burrow closer, hiding his face in the hollow of Carlos' neck. Carlos held him close, pressing a few quick kisses to both his cheeks, then his temple. "I love you," he whispered into the clammy skin.

"Love you," TK whispered back faintly.

Carlos held him tighter.

.

 

When he thought back to a few weeks ago, Carlos found that he should have seen this coming. There had been some cracks, here and there- TK had been quiet, distant, distracted most of the time. Carlos had barely seen him this past week, and his excuse had always been that he'd taken extra shifts. He'd pulled away from everyone else, too, if the texts Carlos had been getting from their friends were any indication.

Now, as he sat on the floor of their bathroom, a bottle of pills clutched in his hand, all he could think of was:

“I should’ve seen this coming.”

It wasn't labeled, and the pills inside taunted him. A million questions ran through his mind, and with each one, he felt his throat tighten in fear a little more- fear of what came next, and fear for the man he loved.

.

When the front door opened, the usual "hey, baby!" absent- as it had been for weeks- Carlos was still in the same position in the bathroom. He listened to TK move around their home, and waited for him to come through the door.

When he did, minutes later, Carlos saw confusion on his face. "Carlos, what are you-" then, as if in slow motion, his face slackened with shock. "How did you-"

"Did you really think I wouldn't find out?"

"It's not-" his jaw tightened and he looked away, "I haven't taken any."

"And that makes it better?"

Panic made its way into his expression, mixing steadily with the pain in those beautiful green eyes.

"Is it worth it?" He asked him, quietly. When there was no answer, he nodded and stood up. He faced him, and the foot of space between them might as well have been an ocean. "Is this worth all the pain and the fear that you-"

"Carlos-"

"No," he snapped, inching closer. "You've been a ghost in this house. I didn't say anything because I thought you were grieving. But it wasn't just that, was it?"

TK's breath hitched. "Carlos, please."

He closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I-" he started, only to fall quiet as he stared at Carlos, his whole body shaking.

It took all of his will power to stop himself from reaching out when all he wanted was to wrap the man he loved in his arms and forget this ever happened. He waited for him to continue, but he seemed incapable of uttering a single word. "You're gonna tell me everything," he started, voice shaking despite his effort to sound firm, "every single thing. You're gonna be honest with me, TK. Because if you don't? I'm gonna walk out of this apartment and you won't se-" he cut himself off, because despite everything, he didn't think he could ever let this man go. Desperately,  he said, "tell me."

TK was breaking, Carlos could tell. Eyes filled with tears, he slumped against the wall of the bathroom and slid down until he was seated on the cold tile. "Remember when I was late to the flight? The day after my mom-" he cut himself off, looking pained, then continued. "I- I almost took some Fentanyl from the rig."

"Jesus, TK," he whispered, shocked at what this had come to.

"If it hadn't been for Nancy coming in, I probably would have taken it. That's how it started." He sniffled, hands going up to wipe at the tears in his eyes before they could fall.

"And these?" He rattled the bottle.

"I didn't take any," he rushed to assure him, "I swear, Carlos. I just- I was just so- I didn't know what to do. I bought those in a moment of weakness, and ever since then, I've fought to keep myself from touching them."

Carlos stepped closer, almost touching him, and TK hesitated before he lifted his hand and rested it on his chest, clutching his shirt in a tight fist.

"I've wanted to throw them away for days," he whispered hoarsely, shaky and hurting, "but I was afraid."

Carlos hesitated, but finally allowed himself to touch him, resting his hands on TK's arms. "Of what?"

"Of holding this bottle in my hand and- changing my mind, and not being able to go through with it. I was afraid that I'd be too weak to get rid of it."

Carlos used his grip to pull him into him, crushing him to his body as he held on a little too tightly. TK's breath left him in a rush, and though there was a moment where it seemed like every muscle in his body was locked up tight, in the next, he let go.

He'd never really seen TK cry, really cry, before. He'd seen him shed a few tears, seen him numb and in shock, but he'd never seen him cry.

Until tonight.

Body shaking with barely restrained sobs, TK hid his face in Carlos' neck, muffling his cries against the skin. Carlos held him through it, murmuring what he hoped were comforting words. Minutes later- five, ten, or maybe twenty- TK pulled away slowly. "I'm sorry."

Carlos immediately shook his head.

"Don't apologize, just-" he swallowed, "don't push me away. Don't hide from me."

"I didn't want you to see this part of me."

"Too bad," he shot back, a small smile on his lips, “because I do. I want all of you."

He let out a shaky breath. "You might not like what you see."

"Impossible," he muttered. "I love every part of you."

His boyfriend's hands framed his face, and he pulled him closer. "Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

Impossible.

.

"So," Carlos muttered, tightening his arms around his boyfriend, "how do you wanna do this?"

"Do what?"

Carlos pulled the bottle out of his pocket and held it in his hand between them. TK jerked away as if burned, but Carlos reeled him back in, pressing a kiss to his temple. "You're the strongest person I know," he whispered, just before he put the orange bottle in TK's hand.

TK seemed to stop breathing altogether as he stared down at it, then he stood up, Carlos following behind, and opened it shakily. He looked back at Carlos, who nodded encouragingly, and emptied it all in the toilet. He swallowed and when Carlos came to stand beside him, he all but fell into his arms.

"It's gonna get easier," Carlos whispered.

He nodded.

"TK, you-"

"I'm gonna go to a meeting tomorrow. I'll talk to my therapist, too."

Relief washed over him as he tightened his arms around the man he loved. "That's good, sweetheart. That's so good."

"I'm sorry about all this."

He shook his head. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

"I hope so."

He kissed him, hard and bruising, and looked him in the eye. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be just fine."

TK's eyes roamed his face, and the doubtful expression began to soften into a smile. "Okay."

"Okay."

[mushiewrites]

heheh, 4, 17, 19 :D

llamaaaaaaa 😵‍💫

from this post!

4. Do you have a favorite place to be tickled/to tickle? If so, how would you want that spot tickled/to tickle that spot?

ajshdhwjshsj LISTEN I’m gonna say it and half of you are gonna laugh and be like “hehehehehhe we knewwwww” kajssjhdejjs ribs it’s ribs okay I will not be elaborating any further thank u

17. What would be your most ideal tickling scenario?

Uh uh uh how specific am I supposed to get? Because I could say just that the people involved are having a nice time, or I could say that it would be later in the evening when the sun is going down and it’s raining and it’s autumn, and it’s chilly outside so you’re under the blankets with someone watching dumb scary movies anD THEN you just have this massive tk fight that spurred from trying to scare each other and it just is cuddly and playful and skdndjjsksjsh *takes deep breath*

19. Do you enjoy tickle tools? Why or why not? (And if you do prefer them: Which is your favorite tickle tool AND on which ticklish area(s)?)

oh LLAMA 😵‍💫 Heck. Okay yes, I enjoy them. I think they can be fun and add to the feeling not speaking from experience or anything. I think uh my favorite would make be like okay either okay okay okay eiTHER a feather or or or or oR an electric toothbrush. Or a paint brush okay. I doNt know 😖