#((this bites))

[thechaoticdruid]

[Eat Your Heart!]

(This Bites: Valentines Day special)

Pairing: Astarion x F! Chubby MC

Plot: Winnie hates Valentines Day, having never been able to celebrate it with a lover before, but now that she has Astarion perhaps it'll change?

C/W: Suggestive themes, Sexual humor, random bigoted asshole encounter, fluffy goodness.

This Bites Chapters: One, Two, Three, Four,

Winnie turned on the television and internally groaned as she noticed a commercial come on. It was one advertising chocolates for her least favorite holiday. Valentine’s Day. Or as Winnie liked to call it Singles Awareness Day.

“God, I hate couples.” Winnie huffed a bit, glaring at the man and woman on the screen, sharing chocolates. How dare they shove their happiness in her face! 

“Meow!” Maddie hopped up onto the bed and took her place on Winnie’s lap, gently headbutting her ribs. 

“You get me, don't you baby?” Winnie asked as she looked down at the raven-haired feline, running a hand over her little head.

“Murp!” The cat made a strange little noise in response before leaning her head into Winnie’s hand and purring.  Winnie smiled softly and rubbed the cat's head before looking over at her phone. Mom and Brian were out of town, apparently going on a romantic trip for Valentine's Day which was tomorrow. 

Stupid candy heart holiday!

Winnie looked over posts online to see what everyone was doing. Her old friends from highschool were all happy and celebrating with their spouses the selfish pricks. How dare they be happy goddamnit! Winnie huffed before noticing Becca from work had posted an update about how she was going out with some girl she met at a con tomorrow and how excited she was about it.

No Becca! Not you too!

Winnie groaned and fell back on her bed. Maddie tilted her head curiously before hopping up on Winnie’s chest and sniffing at her face. 

“Ughhh…. I need some ice cream.” The brunette-haired female picked the cat up before setting her on the side of the bed and getting up.  Winnie walked into the kitchen and opened the freezer, getting a small container of chocolate ice cream out before closing the door to the fridge. She grabbed a spoon before heading back to the bedroom. 

Winnie sat back down on her bed, trying to turn the television on something more interesting to watch as the window to her bedroom suddenly opened. Winnie nearly dropped her spoon as the silver haired vampire elf crawled inside her home. 

“J-Jesus!” Winnie cursed, “for fucks sake Astarion! No one is home but me. You can use a door!” 

“I suppose I've developed a habit of coming in this way.” He said with a little giggle at the end. Astarion had something in his hand as he shut the window behind him. A little bit of blood ran down the corner of his mouth. He'd just been out hunting and was able to drain a plethora of raccoons, possums and even a large deer to boot.   Maddie’s tail shot up and curled into a hook shape as she padded over towards Astarion, immediately rubbing against his legs with a pur. 

“Oh, hello darling,” Astarion smiled and reached down to pet the cat. “I brought you something.”

Winnie’s eyes widened in complete horror as she noticed there was a bird in his hand. A small lifeless looking bird.  He held it out to Maddie who immediately sniffed it before prodding it with her paw.  

“Astarion! You can't just bring dead animals to my cat!” Winnie freaked out, setting her snack to the side before grabbing some tissues from her table. She scooped the bird up into them.

“It's not-” Astarion tried to cut in, but Winnie opened the window, and the bird suddenly sprang to life, pecking her hand before flying out the window.  

“Fuck!” Winnie cursed.

“Oh, now look at what you've done. You've ruined my gift to our precious little pet.” 

“She's MY pet and I don't want her killing birds in the house!” Winnie hissed before rubbing her hand where she'd been pecked. 

God, I hope that thing didn't have a disease….

Winnie sighed and closed the window before getting back onto her bed and sitting. Astarion pouted before sitting on the bed next to her.

“You're awfully snappy this evening.” 

Winnie sighed, “sorry. It's this damn holiday. It always rubs me the wrong way.”  Winnie said, grabbing her ice cream and spooning some into her mouth. 

“What holiday, love?” He asked, sprawling out over the bed and laying his head on her thigh. 

“Oh right, you don't know. It's Valentine's Day. Uh…It's a holiday celebrating romance and candy people really like to sell candy on it.” Winnie said, “people usually give their lovers gifts like chocolate and flowers on it.” 

“Oh, that sounds positively dreadful!” Astarion said sarcastically.

“It is if you've been single all your life and people are rubbing their happiness in your face!” Winnie exclaimed. “I hate it.” 

“Darling, you have me now, remember? And I would be happy to join in on any romantic festivities…as long as it's with you.” Astarion smiled softly, looking up at Winnie with soft round puppy-like eyes. Winnie blushed and bit and cleared her throat.

“I-I guess I didn't think about that…I've just been single for as long as I can remember." Winnie set her ice cream to the side table.  

“Of course I haven't been able to enjoy chocolate for the past two centuries, but I'm sure you'll think of something else for us to enjoy.” Astarion smiled and laid across Winnie’s lap. Since the brunette-haired woman had begun dating courting him the two of them got a bit more comfortable with one another.  Snuggles and hugs were pretty casual now, but they still tended to catch Winnie off guard. She enjoyed them, but it still felt so weird for a man to be so affectionate with her. 

Winnie’s brother was raised the old fashion way, taught to be tough and stoic and that hugging was for sissies so needless to say he wasn't very cuddly. Her biological father wasn't the type of person you wanted touching you.  And Brian pfft…As if she'd ever hug Brian! The fucking prick.

So really, she'd only known affection from other women. And it was all platonic. This just felt so weird. It was nice, but weird. 

“Well, Valentine's Day isn't until tomorrow, but we can go out tomorrow night and do something then?” Winnie suggested.

“Sounds lovely.” Astarion hummed.

“Still, it's too bad you can't actually taste normal food. I would have gotten you a bunch of candy hearts.” Winnie smiled, leaning back a little as she experimentally ran her fingers through his soft white locks. 

“The only heart I'd find myself wanting to eat would be yours I'm afraid.” Astarion joked with a mischievous chuckle, leaning up and laying his head on Winnie’s large pillowy chest as he snuggled against her. 

“The way it speeds up just for me is so…. mouthwatering.” He purred, nuzzling against Winnie. 

“I kinda need my heart you know…” Winnie huffed with a pout.

“Just teasing, my dear.” Astarion hummed, eyes closed as he listened to the comforting sound of her heartbeat, his arms wrapped around her plush waist as he cuddled on top of her. She honestly felt so soft and cushy to the vampire.  Winnie blushed a bit, leaning back with a yawn as she ran her fingers through the vampire’s curls. 

“You just gonna sleep on me tonight?” 

“Perhaps…” 

Winnie giggled slightly, “Okay…” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Winnie went to work as normal, leaving an Astarion alone at the house with the instructions to NOT get into any trouble. Which for most of the part he didn't. He mostly laid around, played with Maddie, hate-watched some gods awful vampire TV series, placed one of the dog’s ‘surprises’ into Brian's shoes and took a long relaxing bubble bath while using one of Winnie’s mother's facemasks. 

Winnie on the other hand spent the day stocking shelves and cleaning floors at the CornerStore. 

She had to deal with some middle aged lady who repeatedly kept asking where they kept their grills despite the fact that Winnie tried to calmly explain that they did not sell grills at the store and that she should try the Superstore across town.

It was honestly one huge stressful mess and eventually Becca had to come over and ask the woman to leave when she noticed the lady raising her voice at Winnie.

After the workday ended Winnie headed back home on her motorcycle. She had to keep her mind from wandering off to tonight's events, but it was hard! Winnie was filled with both anxiety and excitement at the prospect of being able to spend this Valentine's Day with a romantic companion.

Eventually she made it back and parked in the empty driveway of her home. The neighborhood was mostly quiet aside from the distant sounds of dogs barking and children shouting from their yards. The sun was slowly setting and soon Astarion would be able to leave the house with her. She entered her home, stretching out her arms before walking towards her room.

“Astarion, I'm home.” She called.

“Welcome back, my love.” The vampire greeted, a book in hand as he laid on her bed, wearing a black tank and grey shorts.  Winnie blinked as she noticed the book in his hands, his fingers obscured the cover, but she had a bad feeling she knew what book that was. 

“Uh…What are you reading?” Winnie asked. 

“I never pegged you to be into such scandalous literature. It appears my sweet innocent little Winnie isn't so innocent after all.” Astarion purred. Winnie quickly went over and tried to grab the book from him, her face burning bright red with embarrassment. 

“Give that here!” She shouted, but Astarion immediately got off the bed and held the book up high and out of reach. Winnie was able to see it had been a graphic novel, an erotic BL manga that she'd gotten as a gift back in her senior year of high school from one of the nerdy girls she used to be friends with.  She had only read it once…. Okay maybe twice, but that was it!

“Tut tut, you didn't ask nicely. Naughty girl. ~” 

Winnie growled in frustration.

“Give it back Astarion!” She hissed before trying to grab hold of his arm and pull it down so she could grab the book. However, she had absolutely no luck.

Do…. I suddenly have noodle arms or is he suddenly much stronger!? 

Astarion was snickering, a wide shit eating grin on his face as he kept the book out of his darling’s reach. Eventually however the two of them tumbled back onto the bed in the scuffle, Winnie grunted as she fell on top of him.  Winnie grunted and Astarion then tossed the book to the side before rolling over on top.

“Hey!” Winnie whined, “get off!” 

“Ask a bit nicer and I may consider it, sweetheart.” 

Winnie glared at him, cheeks flushing with both embarrassment and a little bit of something else as he pinned her to the bed.

“Fine…. Please…Let me up…” Winnie muttered. 

“Good girl. ~” The elf said cheekily, planting a quick peck on the female’s face. Astarion rolled over and got off of Winnie, allowing her up.

“You know, I'm only teasing about the book. I really don't care about what little fantasies get you going, darling.” He giggled before tossing the novel back at her.  

“You don't need to be an ass about it.” Winnie muttered before taking the manga and putting it away (this time somewhere different).

“If it would make you feel better, I might be willing to indulge your fantasies one day. Once you're ready of course!” 

“I…. How would you…? NEVERMIND! The sun will be down soon! And I need to get ready….We need to get ready!” Winnie stated, her face looking all pink. 

“As you wish my sweet.” Astarion smiled before glancing over to the clothes he'd had been given. 

He decided to change into some pants while Winnie went into the bathroom with a bundle of her own clothing.  Astarion dressed before looking at the black hoodie Winnie normally had him wear. The white-haired vampire rolled his eyes at it before noticing Winnie’s own jacket hung up in the closet. It was a dark purple hoodie which radiated with her scent. Astarion grabbed hold of it before sliding it on. It didn't fit quite right. It was a bit loose around the chest and waist while almost being too short for him to wear, but he couldn't help but find comfort in the smell. Lavender and cherry blossoms. It made him feel at ease. 

Winnie came out of the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in a red blouse-like shirt with a heart shaped hole over the chest and black tights which hugged smugly around her thick thighs. She was running a brush through her hair as she looked over at him. “You know my hoodie doesn't fit you right?” 

“Gods forbid you let me wear anything with a little bit of color!” Astarion pouted. 

“I'm not saying you can't borrow it…It's just. I’ll buy you your own if you want one.” Winnie offered.

“No!” Astarion said quickly, “I-mean don't bother, you probably won't be able to find another one this comfortable!” The pale elf insisted. 

Winnie sighed, “Whatever. Let's just go…Oh wait…” Winnie looked around in her dresser before taking out a black beanie. She got on her tippy toes before placing it over his head and covering his elf ears. 

“You’re messing up my hair…Winnie…” Astarion complained and glared down at the short female.

“I always fix it for you, don't I?” Winnie shrugged before grasping Astarion's hair. “Come on! The sun's gone down!”  The two left, hopping onto Winnie's motorcycle and driving off. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tall brightly lit lamp posts surrounded the archery range as the love birds paid their way in and rented a pair of bows before walking up to the ring. Winnie scrunched her nose as they passed another couple who absolutely reeked of booze. She'd noticed them arrive in some huge camo SUV with deer antlers mounted to the hood and an obnoxiously loud radio playing.

The archery targets were set up past the fence, all set up in a horizontal line and each one was moved further back than the one that came before. Winnie struggled to hold her bow correctly, grunting in frustration as the arrow would slide out of place.

“My sweet, let me help you.” Astarion said, carefully adjusting Winnie’s hands.  She took a deep breath before pulling the around back and shooting it. It fell right onto the ground almost immediately after being shot. 

“Ah! I suck at this!” Winnie huffed. 

“Well, you're still much better at it than Gale.” Astarion smiled a bit. 

“...Thanks….” Winnie said, not sure if being better than Gale was really that great a compliment.

“Try again, love.” Astarion said before moving to help Winnie. He stood close behind her, chest against her back as he positioned her hands, this time guiding them to pull back the bowstring. He had her pull it back as far as it would go before releasing it. The arrow shot across the range and hit the side of one of the targets.

“Whoa!” Winnie smiled, “I actually hit it!” Astarion adjusted her hands once again and helped her notch another arrow, this time hitting closer to the center of the target. 

“Okay! Okay! I'm going to try by myself this time!” She cheered. The elf watched her fondly. He found her giddiness positively adorable.

She pulled back the arrow before letting it go and it went about five feet before falling to the ground.

“Oh goddamnit!” Winnie swore, attracting the attention of onlookers. 

“You did better this time, darling. But perhaps you should take a break, hm?” Astarion suggested and patted her shoulder. 

“Yeah .... I guess so .... How about you shoot some?” Winnie asked. 

“I suppose I could.” Astarion hummed before planting a kiss on Winnie’s cheek. “But don't get upset when I upstage you.”

“No, by all means! Don't be afraid to show off!” Winnie smiled at him. Astarion smirked before taking the bow and notching an arrow. He pulled it all the way before letting it go and immediately hitting a bullseye on his first try.

A make-up-caked woman with short red hair and ruby red lipstick looked over from where she stood next to a tall beefy man in a leather vest, her eyes wide with amazement.  

Winnie clapped, a grin forming on her lips.

“Keep going Star! That was awesome!” She cheered.

Astarion shot another arrow at the next target immediately hitting another bullseye. Most of the targets he'd been used to usually moved so this was honestly way too easy.  Winnie followed Astarion as he hit the targets one after another each with a flawless technique.  

And he even shot one backwards.

Okay I said you could show off, but this is a little much….

“Astarion-” Winnie began before suddenly the red headed lady marched over and pushed her out of the way. 

“That was amazing! Where did you learn how to do that?” She asked, eyes leering over Astarion now that the woman was able to get a better look at him.  

“It’s all instinct really.” The elf replied with a smug, confident look. He appeared to be eating up the praise.

“It's very impressive. You must be very strong.~” She purred, moving to stand closer before placing a hand on his arm, feeling it up. Astarion grimaced and looked at the woman with a flash of disgust.  Winnie glared over at the woman with annoyance. 

Seriously? This is the second time some floozy thinks it's okay to invade Star’s personal space! 

“Look lady, he doesn't like people being all touch-” Winnie was about to try to run the woman off before suddenly the man she'd previously been with stomped over towards the three.

“HEY! Get the hell away from MY wife!” He snapped. 

“Apologies, it seems your lady has had a little too much to drink.” Astarion said, removing the woman's hand from his shoulder as if she was carrying some kind of disease. 

“Are you saying she's not good enough for you!? What are you gay!?” The man pushed through, he reeked of alcohol just as much as his wife did it seemed. Winnie furrowed her brows at the man's ridiculousness. He clearly just wanted any reason to fight. Astarion seemed a bit confused at his question.

“Not at the moment. Nothing really to be cheerful about currently.” 

“You being smart with me, pretty boy?!” The man shouted. Astarion was trying to remain civil for Winnie’s sake but the bastard was really trying his patience. Astarion wasn't permitted to have a knife, Winnie made sure of it but the vampire spawn claws he'd grown while here definitely weren't for looks. Wouldn't be too hard to poke a hole in this cunt’s windpipe if he was quick. 

“No. Not at all.” Astarion replied, “I was simply answering your question.” Astarion had a fake smile on his face, but Winnie could see the irritation in his eyes. If this didn't resolve itself quickly someone was going to get hurt.

“You think you're real funny don't you, you fucking faggot!?” The man snarled. 

“You know I've been called a lot of things, but that…I've never heard of. Probably not a very intelligent insult by any means.” Astarion chuckled a bit, his smile turning more sinister. Fingers clenched as his claws prepared to strike. The bigoted drunkard seemed about ready to blow his top and start throwing punches.  The floozy wife just seemed to be giggling and enjoying the chaos, not even caring if someone got hurt.  Winnie had to act fast before this turned to bloodshed. Before anyone could say another word she grabbed her bow and an arrow before desperately aiming towards the parking lot. She pulled it as far as it would go, almost instinctively remembering how Astarion showed her earlier. 

The arrow flew across the range and hit the drunk couple’s SUV right in the headlights, almost immediately sounding the car alarm. 

“What?” The bigoted man tore his head away from Astarion before suddenly his wife shouted.

“Fuck! That's our car!” She took off running. 

“Goddamn it! Who's breaking into my baby!” The man yelled before running off. 

“Well, that was rather convenient.” Astarion said before Winnie grabbed his arm. 

“This was fun, but it's time to go!” Winnie said before dragging him off and abandoning the bows they'd rented at the range. It took a moment for Astarion to realize that Winnie had been the one to cause a distraction.

“This was your doing? You sneaky little devil! I'm so proud, my love!” 

“Yeah yeah whatever now let's get out of here before we get arrested!” Winnie pressed, dragging the giggling elf with her back to her motorcycle. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I hate that some assholes had to ruin our Valentine's Day. God, I swear nothing good ever comes from this holiday.” Winnie huffed as she sat down on a blanket.  Her and Astarion had made a little picnic on a hill out in the woods not too far from Winnie’s home. Winnie had gotten the idea of trying to head somewhere more private when she'd stopped at a rest stop on their way after the fiasco at the archery range. 

“I wouldn't say that. You and I still get to spend plenty of alone time together.” Astarion said and scooted closer towards her.  Winnie looked up at the sky. 

“I suppose you're right about that. Brian and mom won't be back for a couple of days…” Winnie scooted a bit closer towards Astarion and leaned against him. 

“I…Uh…I have something for you…. Winnie…” Astarion looked off to the side before taking something out of his pocket. 

It was a small box of heart shaped chocolates. 

“I'd still much rather sink my teeth into a different heart, but I'd imagine you'd prefer this.” 

“Astarion…This is so sweet….Thank you….” Winnie took the box and nibbles on one of the chocolates, a smile stretched across her face from ear to ear. Astarion simply snuggled against her, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“When did you even buy ... .? Wait a moment…You stole these didn't you?” 

“Ah….I may have done that….Yes…ah ha ha…” 

Winnie let out a long sigh.

“What am I going to do with you?” She rolled her eyes before wrapping her arms around his neck and leaned in, nuzzling her nose against his. Astarion smiled and nuzzled back, the two pressing their foreheads together.

“Just hold me…” He whispered.

The two love birds were completely unaware as a figure watched them from far away. The figure was slender and corpse-like. 

“Thou doth not know what thy actions will bring. It is only a matter of time.” The figure's echo of a voice rang out. 

End.

Taglist: @astarioffsimpmain, @iamsexytrash, @tiedyedghoulette, @hp-art-studio , @gaymistakeboi , @the-disaster-in-waiting, @misscrissfemmefatale, @divineknightmare, @marcynomercy, @gianchan-de, @tinyfreakgirl, @jaksfanficsaver, @im-just-a-simp-le-whore, @dajeong

IDK, but Tumblr would not let me tag some of y'all, but I will notify you when the next parts come out!

[arty-achilles]

Part 1 | Part 2 (You're Here!)

READ RIGHT TO LEFT

CHAPTER 1 (PRT 2)

And here's part 2 of the SI fanfic This Bites by Xomniac. Oh boi was this a doozy. Soundbite is really fun to draw with all sorts of expression using his eyes and due to his power I get to mess around with the text a bit.

[Commission] + [Kofi]

[jflicker]

JEREMIAH CROSS FANART!

Thank you so much, Bordin Mark Marsinkul (@hyperbooster), for the Jeremiah Cross commission! XDD 

As One Piece goes on, I dread the approaching end. What comforts me is that, with it, we’ll eventually see the second saga of This Bites! by Xomniac and Co! So in the meantime, I got myself some Jeremiah Cross fanart and I’m thinking of doing some Soundbite fanart myself so I can have both of the Voices of Anarchy. XD Seriously, EPIC fanfiction that made me laugh and laugh and laugh. 

[nervousstarlightobserver]

This Bites! By Xomniac Fanart because I just finished it and I’m re-reading it because I can’t wait for more

The First sticker has several meanings in it. The yellow and red rings are references to Luffy’s hat/The Strawhat flag. The black and white tiles are for Soundbite. The wooden beams are referencing to a steering wheel/helm of a ship. The sticker as a whole is supposed to look like a steering wheel/helm in general. And the Cross is referencing Jeremiah Cross. I hope what I have drawn up looks clear enough to see all of those points.

The Second sticker is just a chibi!Cross and Soundbite talking on the SBS in their studio on the Thousand Sunny. I might redraw it later on, but I’m happy with it right now.

[tododeku-or-bust]

Hmm. Perhaps waking up in the middle of the night feeling depressed is not Normal.

[ricawcaw]

mild vent

ah hell my sibling gave me my first case of covid since all this started

[bebe-benzenheimer]

ok universe, when I made my prediction that the KotH reboot might bump off Dale because conspiracy theorists are no longer tolerated in Current Year, I didn't mean kill the actor.

[robkost]

[squidflavoredsoup]

he just appeared in my house

wouldn’t let me go downstairs to eat

got upstairs won’t get out from under my bed

[swan2swan]

Whoever conceived and animated this moment, I hope they're doing well and thriving. This is S-rank romance stuff here.

[thechaoticdruid]

|This Bites| (8)

Astarion x Chubby! F!MC

Plot: Astarion and Winnie prepare to meet with someone willing to help with Astarion's dietary needs. Hijinks ensue.

Content/Warnings: Sexual humor, kissing.

Chapter 7: BACK

Chapter 8: STOP

Chapter 9:WHAT?

“Mmmm…” Astarion hummed softly as he pressed his lips against Winnie’s. The young woman smiled into the kiss. This is maybe like the third time he's been peppering her lips with smooches today. She giggled, gazing up at him with eyes full of adoration. 

“You finished trying to eat my face?” Winnie teased with a smile.

“Never! This is one feast I intend to savor for as long as possible.” The vampiric elf giggled before going in for another kiss. Winnie returned it before wincing and rubbing her throat. 

“Darling, are you alright?” Astarion asked with concern. 

“Ah…Yeah….It just hurts still…” Winnie croaked out. Astarion leaned in to place a peck on her forehead.  

“I'll go and see about finding you something to eat, my love. You just relax.” Astarion caressed her forehead before getting up and leaving the room. Brian was going to be working late today so they had plenty of time without having to worry about his bullshit. Astarion walked into the kitchen where Vanessa was pouring some dog kibble into Ollie's bowl. 

“I believe you said you were going to help me learn how to cook.” The vampire huffed out.

“Oh yes! Just give me a moment.” Vanessa exclaimed, putting away the dog food and running to wash her hands. Astarion crossed his arms.

“You too! Wash!” The twelve year old ordered. Astarion rolled his eyes before washing his clawed hands. Nessa took out a small purple apron with a little dragon on it before putting it on and grabbing a silk, frilly pink apron. “Here put this on!”  She said as she put it in his hands. The vampire put on the apron sighing a bit in impatience.  

“We can start with something easy like a cup of noodles! Maybe with a little bit of green onions?” Nessa took a styrofoam cup from the cabinet before handing it to Astarion. “Just make sure to fill up this cup with water and then…” Nessa walked over and towards the microwave, “put it in here and set the timer for three minutes.” She explained before walking over to the fridge and started getting out green onions. Nessa carefully began to cut up the green stalks on a cutting board while the microwave beeped from the pressing of random buttons.

Back in Winnie’s room, she laid there in boredom as her phone suddenly buzzed. Her brown eyes looked over the touch screen as she tapped on the message. It was from Becca.

Becca: How's your throat?

Winnie: PAIN. I can barely move without feeling it.

Becca: Fuck. That sucks :(

Becca: Still trying 2 process this whole vampire from a video game is suddenly real shit  But I'm here for u

Winnie: Thanks. I really need to find that modder now tho.

Becca: U said he was in Varamont? That's quite a drive. Hey my dad's gonna give me his old van once he gets a new car I can take u and Star there in it

Winnie: You sure about this Becca? We might run into danger again. Especially now since there's monsters showing up.

Becca: That's why u need me! My dad taught me how 2 shoot a gun when I was 7 I'll have ur back if stuff gets hairy

Winnie: Okay I'll think about it. I'm just so nervous about everything these days. Especially since I have to look after a literal vampire.

Becca: Oh btw I think I might have a way 2 help u with that I know a guy who can get u blood without hurting anyone

Winnie: That sounds…..Shady…

Becca: Don't worry he's a good guy

Becca: A little weird but good :) 

Winnie let out a sigh as she looked at Becca’s texts. She really needed to try to relax more. The smell of something burning suddenly hit her senses. 

“Is something on fire!?” She shouted, head turning towards her door which was cracked.

“No! It's okay! Astarion just forgot to add water to the noodles!” Vanessa called from down the hall.

“You said nothing about water!” Astarion complained, his whiny voice echoing through the house. Winnie rolled her eyes before returning her attention to her phone in an attempt to relax. 

She pulled up Tumblr and began to scroll through her timeline.  There were a couple new BG3 fanfictions posted by Vixstarria, TragedyBunny, and MJ-Bites. Winnie bit down on her lip nervously as she began to realize just how strange this probably would seem to Astarion. 

The fact that there is an entire community of people obsessing over him might freak him out a little. Especially with some of their more erotic works. Not that she had anything against the fanfiction creators, they unfortunately had no idea that Astarion was actually real. And many of them were exceptionally talented, but knowing about this could be a bit much to take. Winnie continued to scroll through her timeline, liking some cute art here and there before stumbling upon an interesting post by just-a-refridgerator.

 It appeared to be a comparison of all of the Baldur's Gate 3 men's butt sizes, which confirmed that they all indeed have the same size ass.

Why is this a debate!? They literally all have the same body type!

Winnie sighed, looking through the comments when suddenly the door opened up, revealing Astarion holding a steaming cup of noodles.

“Darling! I'm back.I made you something.~” He purred as Winnie squeaked and quickly turned her phone over.  The silver haired vampire raised an eyebrow as he looked her over in confusion.

“You seem rather startled. What ever has you so worked up, dear?” 

“Oh nothing, just surprised is all…heheh…” Winnie rubbed the back of her neck nervously as she kept her hand clamped over her phone. “So uh..You got me noodles? Thank you!” Winnie said before quickly taking the cup from his hands and shoving some in her mouth as she hid her phone under her leg. Astarion looked at her with a slightly suspicious glance before sitting behind her and nuzzling his face into her shoulder. 

“How is it, my love?” Astarion spoke softly, his breath tickling her ear. Winnie shivered before feeling his arms wrap around her waist. The noodles were salty, savory and overall not bad.

“It's good.” Winnie praised before glancing back at him with a smile.

“I'm so glad you think so.” Astarion purred, his lips inches away from Winnie’s ears. 

“Astarion,what are you-” with a slight of hand Astarion snatched Winnie’s phone out from under her leg.

“Well, what do we have here?~” The pale elf had a wide shit eating grin spreading across his face.

“Astarion!” Winnie set the cup of noodles down on her nightstand before attempting to wrestle her phone back from him. “You asshole! Give me back my phone!” 

“Easy darling, your neck is still bruised. We wouldn't want you to hurt yourself now would we? Astarion cooed out, his voice dripping with condescension. He gently pushed her down on her back and straddled her, pinning her under his body. “Hmm ... .Now what ever could you be hiding from me?” The elven vampire glanced at the screen as the young woman squirmed under him.

“This is an invasion of my privacy ya know!” Winnie hissed, her face turning redder by the second. 

“Ah…This is….Gale…Wyll and…. myself? And someone is comparing our posteriors…..” Astarion looked back at Winnie with a puzzled look. The young woman bit down on her lip, immediately expecting some kind of declaration of disgust. “What do you mean we all have the same arse!? This can't possibly be true! My physique is far more impressive than those two imbeciles combined!”Astarion turned and got off of Winnie.

The brunette was a bit bewildered by his reaction.

“Well…from the game it looks that way…”

“Oh so you've been looking at our companions' unclothed bodies then?” 

“It’s not like that! And I didn't even know you were real, sentient people!” Winnie crossed her arms, sitting up. 

“Regardless, you now have a far better way of seeing for yourself.” Before the human female could even say another word the vampire turned around and shoved his backside near her face. 

“S-Stop it.” Winnie sputtered out, her face burning brightly.

“Winnie please! I need you to tell me your thoughts.” 

“You're literally asking me to give you feedback on your butt?” 

“Of course. Your opinion is the only one that truly matters.” Astarion exclaimed, running a hand over the curve of his ass. 

“Oh for God's sake Astarion.” Winnie pinched the bride of her nose before responding with a bashful cough, “i-it's nice….…”

“Nice!? Is that all you have to say!?” Astarion huffed, his face turning into an upset pout. 

“It's very…luscious ... .and…round…I'm really not good at this Star….” Winnie said, covering her face in embarrassment. “Now get your ass out of my face!” 

“I'm not moving until I receive an adequate compliment.” 

“Oh my fucking God…”

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

About a week passed before Winnie’s neck had fully healed. Becca was coming by today to take Winnie to meet with her friend she promised could help her out with Astarion’s particular dietary needs. Winnie still wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of trusting some random dude to get them blood donations, but she really didn't want a repeat of the incident at the carnival. Not to mention Astarion’s leftovers were being noticed by her neighbors. 

Winnie pulled on some black tights before pulling a purple shirt over her head as she waited for Becca to arrive. She grabbed a black and red hoodie and put it on after her shirt.

“Sweetheart? What do you think looks better, the button up or the tank?” Astarion asked as he stepped out of the bathroom wearing black jeans as he held a white button up shirt in one hand and a black tank top in the other. 

“You're going to be in bat form since the sun is still out, I doubt it'll matter.” Winnie hummed before sitting on her bed and pulling on her shoes as Maddie crawled out from under the bed and stretched.

“I need to look fashionable in any form.” The vampire boasted before glancing down at the small black feline who appeared to be staring at him, intently. “What do you think, dear?” 

Maddie’s large blue eyes scanned the two objects he held before turning her head towards the button up and letting out a long high meow. 

“Ah you're absolutely right darling!” Astarion said before quickly dressing himself in the white button up. Winnie shook her head with a smile. 

“Alright beautiful, just behave yourself today. We're going to be meeting someone who might be able to help me get you fed regularly.” Winnie hummed before checking her phone again for any updates from Becca.

“Oh I will. But I expect to be rewarded for my behavior.” Astarion purred before sitting down on Winnie’s lap and leaning closely.

“And just what kind of reward were you thinking of?” Winnie raised an eyebrow.

“Your lips.” Astarion nipped her bottom lip playfully before kissing her hungrily, wrapping his arms around her neck and moaning against her mouth. Winnie returned his kiss as she used one hand to play with his ivory curls, the two of them caught up in the moment. Suddenly there was knocking on the front door followed by Ollie barking. Astarion got up before pulling Winnie to her feet and planting a kiss on her hand. 

Winnie giggled before she walked out to open the front door to see her fiery haired friend. 

“Hey Becca-” The brunette began as Becca quickly closed the door behind her. 

“Where is the vampire?” She asked. 

“I do have a name you know.” Astarion scoffed as he stepped out from behind Winnie.

“Oh-shit! Sorry I didn't mean anything by it!” Becca put her hands up. “I'm just really excited! I've never met a vampire before! Let alone one from a video game. Oh hey where are the others from the game?” Becca asked.

“I….I don't really know honestly…They disappeared before Winnie brought me here.” 

“The game ended up being a bit unstable after I pulled Astarion out. I'm not sure if we could go and look for them now. But with Raphael showing up I suppose anything might be possible. So uh…This friend of yours?” Winnie changed the subject.

“Oh right. Jimmy. He's a bit eccentric but his brother and mother work at the hospital in town, so he's able to get his hands on a blood bag or two on occasion. We should probably not keep him waiting.”

“Well, let's not waste any more time then?” Astarion chimed in before suddenly he was engulfed in red and shrank down into his bat form. Winnie him up and allowed him to climb into her hoodie.

“Oh my god! He's so cute!” Becca cooed, her eyes round and full of adoration as she looked at the small bat who frowned slightly.

 Astarion let out a squeak of protest as he nuzzled up against Winnie's neck.  The brunette pulled the hood over her head before the two females walked out of the hour and got into Becca's car. 

Winnie sat in the passenger seat and looked out the window as Astarion snuggled against her. She carefully reached into her hoodie to gently pet Astarion’s head with her finger, receiving a few curious little squeaks in reply.

It took them about an hour to arrive at Becca's friend’s house. He apparently lived on the other side of town. Winnie’s brown eyes perked up as she noticed fake headstones sitting in his yard, along with a bush trimmed into the shape of a skull. 

“Here we are!” Becca announced as they exited the truck. Winnie scanned the yard.

“Hmm…Nice place. Love the Halloween vibes.” She exclaimed as the two of them walked up the sidewalk and towards the front door. Becca knocked on the door before suddenly a brown eyeball peeked through the peephole. The door opened revealing a short man with messy blonde hair, glasses, pasty white skin and painted dark circles under his eyes. He was wearing a band T-shirt and a cape? 

“Becca, who's the fresh meat?” He asked, revealing what appeared to be fake fangs in his mouth. 

“Jimmy….This is Winnie.” Becca replied.

“Oh…..Hey….” Winnie said awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. 

Ah……This explains a lot….

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

I'M NOT DEAD GUYS! :3 Just been having a lot of issues with writers block and life and all that great stuff! Anyway hope you're all still enjoying the story!

Thanks to @vixstarria , @tragedybunny , @mj-bites and @just-a-refrigerator for letting me give ya a little cameo in the fic!

~Druid

Taglist: @seradyn , @plimsim , @astarioffsimpmain , @marcynomercy , @iamsexytrash , @gaymistakeboi , @divineknightmare , @tinyfreakgirl , @misscrissfemmefatal, @gianchan-de @jaksfanficsaver , @the-disaster-in-waiting , @hp-art-studio , @im-just-a-simp-le-whore , @dajeong , @iamnotokei , @the-pale-elfs-love , @geminipridekitty , @just-a-refrigerator , @vixstarria , @ellaprime7

[marlynnofmany]

Add another one to the list of hilarious examples of why generative AI doesn't produce correct answers, just statistically likely ones.

(Customers asked for how-to videos, which the company doesn't have. The AI chatbot decided that a million internet users linking to this video after similar requests couldn't be wrong.)

[lastoneout]

I know this is a tiny part of the wider problems born of diet culture, fatphobia, classism, and racism but like god the idea that "healthy" food must inherently taste bad has completely ruined us as a society.

[haunted-xander]

chomps you affectionately

[eastgaysian]

[otto-doctavius]

domesticated animal