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austarus · 3 years

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HR Wells x Reader - Reversal of Denouement

*A/N: The picture/edit/gif does not belong to me. It belongs to its rightful owner.

**Please don’t forget to comment, like, and reblog. It means a lot to content creators of all kinds!

***I’d also like to thank @grimtamlain-writes for being my beta reader.

Word Count: 8251

MASTERLIST

A low groan left HR's lips. His body felt numb, his chest ached - tingled as his heart beats steadily. Is it beating? The darkness of his eyelids eased the stinging coming from his mind – it wasn’t so bright. The headache formed there. His body screamed at him as the novelist made the slightest of movement. His left shoulder in particular had protested in desperate agony. He couldn’t move it very much, the area succumbed to restraints of some sort. HR’s throat felt raw as his body throbbed, the blood coursing meticulously through his blood vessels. The sound of a soft voice greeted his ears, but his eyes refused to open.

"I... you, HR... even if... see it." The voice was so familiar, so gentle. So sweet. "Should... better." A drop of water hit his numbed hand, static still prominent there from the little movement his body had done. “I wish…” The dark-haired doppelganger could only understand fragments of what the speaker was saying. He felt a pressure on his hand, tender skin holding onto his before something tickled his forehead. Feather-light. What was it? Who was it? A few moments passed and he heard nothing, the novelist only assumed that the voice’s owner had left. He didn’t want to be alone right now though, not with the darkness.

It had become unbearable.

Since... Since when did…? How...? Oh. Right. Savitar... Am I dead? Is this where spirits wait for their turn to pass into their designated afterlife? Have I really...? Events from earlier resurfaced to his mind, his senses coming together. Right, had to protect Iris. For Barry – it was my fault Savitar had gotten to her. My big mouth. Even if Barry didn't really see me as a helpful friend. At least... At least I proved Savitar wrong, who ironically is a version of Barry. That's hella twisted. He huffed out a breath before venturing back into the calmness of sleep. Maybe a little more rest will help?

***

HR cracked an eye open: this time, harsh filtered light had greeted him. The novelist grunted in pain, adjusting himself slightly to assess where he was. What day was it? What was the time? How long have I been here? A yawn left his lips this time, his throat and mouth as dry as a desert.

“Well look who finally decided to wake up?” HR’s eyes met Cisco’s, who stood with a tablet in hand. “How’s sleeping beauty feeling?”

The Wells doppelganger cleared his throat. “Like I’ve gotten assaulted by an Amtrack bus, and not the good kinds.” HR’s baby blue eyes scanned the room, landing on the flower vase that was set on a table near him. Blue forget-me-knots and pink hydrangeas stood proudly in their vases, nurtured well. HR felt his heart swell, his eyes not daring to leave the delicate petals that accented the med bay in better tones. Cisco handed him a cup of water to which HR downed it immediately.

“Amtrack does trains.”

“Not on my Earth, Francisco.” The author couldn’t help but ask, his eyes lingering on the flowers once more. “Did Tracy bring those?”

Cisco pursed his lips, an odd look present on his face. He wanted to tell HR, but… “No. Um, she didn’t.” Tracy had been visiting, though it had become some sort of a nuisance to all her complaining at this point. She hadn’t even known HR for that long, anyway.

“Oh?” His shoulders dropped subtly in disappointment. “They’re beautiful, I was just wondering and…”

“Let’s just say, a special someone’s been… dropping by and bringing a new flower each day. That’s all you’re getting from me, Aurora.” Cisco reasoned with the Wells doppelganger. The mechanical genius knew, but it wasn’t his place to say. It killed him, but… “I wouldn’t move around too much, if I were you. You’ve got a fractured shoulder and that chest wound. I’ve been told to relay the message that you’re to be on strict bed rest until that shoulder further heals.” HR lowered his gaze to see the cross-body sling. He clenched his slinged hand and unclenched it to bring some feeling into the limb.

“What about my chest?”

“Miraculously, that’s been healing really well since day one.” Cisco kept the talk real, showing the injured doppelganger the schematics and pictures. “You got lucky that it missed your heart by a centimeter.” A stab wound like that should have… I wonder if she knows that I know.

HR blinked at the seriousness in his injury, the looming idea of death from his decision. “How long was I out?”

“A week and a half.”

“What?” HR’s eyes widened in disbelief. “I-”

“HR!” Tracy’s sudden voice pierced the room, stunning Cisco and triggering an ache in HR’s head. The grad scientists shuffled over to him, both forgetting that Cisco was in the room. “HR, my love, how are you? Are you feeling okay? Is there any pain?” He continued checking his friend’s vitals and adjusting dosages to the IV and morphine administered – as per your request. The room was growing ever louder with HR and Tracy. Tracy embraced him, minding his injuries as she continued to fuss over him. It made the Wells writer smile, yet… his heart didn’t swell as much as it used to.

Odd.

Cisco sent you a quick text while the two were preoccupied, but you were already at the Labs. You stopped just outside the entrance, the wall and dimly light hallway obscuring you from who remained in the med bay. They wouldn’t be able to see you from where you stood. A shaky breath left you as you clutched the Freesia flower in hand. Your heart shriveled in your chest as you backtracked. Hearing his voice is enough. After all, with Tracy around you couldn’t be near him – those dirty and hateful looks she’d send you. Best to keep my distance, I guess. You couldn’t help but sneak a peek at him though, the man who had unknowingly captured your heart and would never reciprocate your love. You pushed down the lump in your throat. Hastily, you sent Cisco a text to check on the flowers. Silently, you trailed away from the med bay and to the upper levels of STAR Labs. I wonder if he liked the flowers. Standing at such altitude with the wind blowing lightly had calmed you a bit. Looking down at the flower, you gripped it tightly before you began to pick off the petals one by one. The little moments you had with the goofy novelist surfaced to the forefront of your mind with each petal you held. Your little curious escapades. The little talks. The nights you’d visit him when Tracy wasn’t around.

“He loves me, he loves me not,” You murmured, a stray tear trickled down your cheek. The freesia symbolizes unconditional love and honor. “He loves me, he loves me not,” Your voice cracked as more tears fell. “He loves me, he loves me not…”

***

A frown presented itself on HR’s lips as he tilted his head to crack his neck. The crack relieved him tremendously. It didn’t make sense. The novelist mused to himself, setting aside the current chapter draft he was working on. The voice I heard was… different. It didn’t sound like Tracy’s. HR couldn’t get that voice out of his mind – the tenderness that was laced in the tone of that voice. Nothing like the slight shrill in Tracy’s. He eyed the flowers once more that day, their presence was prominent. If Tracy hadn’t brought those, then who had?

The team had helped situate HR in his room in order to vacate the med bay should another imminent event occur. He had overheard Cisco tell Wally that you were preoccupied with something in Star City – a bit of disappointment twinged inside him. HR had taken up doing bits of physical therapy for the rest of his body without moving his shoulder as much. His shoulder and arm remained in a crossbody sling. The flowers sat on his bedside counter; he tended to them as best as he could with the limited movement he had. Tracy protested that they don’t need to be around, but the novelist was vehement on keeping the plants. HR won’t deny the fact that he had gotten annoyed several times with her around when he needed thinking space for his writing. He couldn’t write with noise and nonsensical chatter, especially if it’s mainly coming from someone who doesn’t want to really listen to his input. She’d go on and on about her scientific research and such, but wouldn’t hear a word from HR regarding his writing. The longer the novelist was confined to his room for rest, the more he had time to think – to contemplate. Yes, he liked Tracy, but… it just seemed that she didn’t really see HR. She does all the talking; she doesn’t really ask about how I feel about things or ask me about my life, even things about Earth-19… It’s like she doesn’t see me for anything other than a pretty face. It’s not even my face that Tracy sees, just Randolph’s. Was I too quick to jump at the first person who showed interest in me? Had I rushed into ‘forever’ with her?

He tabled those thoughts for now. HR reached for his laptop; one hand opened it to start it up. While the device loaded, he grabbed his black-clear glasses and set them on his face. If anyone saw him as such, they wouldn’t be able to tell the physical difference between him and his handsome, yet grumpy doppelganger. Except for the eyebrow scar, but that was obscured by the glasses. HR did a couple of searches with a concentrated look. Surely, it was the person with that… angel-like voice.

“Hydrangeas,” HR whispered as his eyes skimmed over the text that had popped up. “The hydrangea represents gratitude, grace and beauty. It also radiates abundance because of the lavish number of flowers and the generous round shape. Its colors symbolize love, harmony and peace.” The Wells doppelganger scrolled further. “Pink hydrangeas symbolize heartfelt emotions.” Interesting. HR continued his research, glancing at the other flower type that resting in the vase. “Forget-me-nots symbolize true love and respect. When you give someone these tiny blooms, it represents a promise that you will always remember them and will keep them in your thoughts. They are also considered a symbol of fidelity and faithfulness.” A particular link caught his eye, he clicked on it. The novelist read to himself the text once more, “Based on Christian lore, the story about forget-me-nots is that God was walking in the Garden of Eden. He saw a blue flower and asked it its name. The flower was a shy flower and whispered that he had forgotten his name. God renamed the flower as forget-me-not saying that He will not forget the flower.”

HR swallowed thickly; contrary to popular belief around here, he wasn’t stupid. Sure, he wasn’t a science-based genius, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t an expert on other aspects of life and had basic common sense. The author was emotionally intelligent and intact with the world around him. These flowers weren’t picked out on accident. But who would do that? Who doesn’t want me to forget about them? The dark-haired man shook his head slightly as he shut his laptop. A surge of sadness welled inside him at the notion of ‘being forgotten’. Who had he done that to? He’d get to the bottom of this mystery in due time. Right now, I need to jog my memory on what I was writing. A hand found a rough draft paper, his eyes scanned over the words he had typed out. His brows creased as the written notes he’d made on the paper as well. (Y/N) … I had… What had I been writing about again? The novelist read each line, each note he had made no drafts and scratch paper.

The hairs at the back of his neck stood up as realization hit him the more he had read on. The drafts, the notes, all of it – the little novel he had been writing regarding his adventures. But this particular part of his story – the ‘angel’ in his story. The one who stuck by him since coming here, the one who had given him a safe space… And the one he hadn’t seen since waking up. How could he forget? HR lowered the paper; his eyes became half-lidded as guilt shot through him. Before Barry had gone to the future and gotten hints of Tracy with her Speed Bazooka, HR had been working on his book. A book that he had pushed off to stick with Tracy and help in any way that he can to make the speed weapon possible. He had gotten distracted from doing the things he loves. A few conjectures arose in his mind as he slipped his glasses off, one arm end pressed to his lips. His heart hammered into his chest; you were among the last faces he had seen before passing out that night.

The irony. How could I forget that (Y/N) was the ‘angel’ in my story?

***

“Look at you, up and at ‘em.” Cisco strolled into the lounge with a cheeky grin. The mechanical genius didn’t take HR for granted anymore, not with the stunt he pulled. No, Cisco willingly checked up on him – not just for you, but for himself. HR had truly become one of his close friends in the end, especially with all the advice about Gypsy. “What are you cooking up this time?”

“Just an omelet with a side of bacon and toast, Francisco,” HR turned to the mechanical engineer who continued to tinker away at the schematics to get Barry out of the Speedforce. He offered Cisco some with a gesture only for the scientist to politely decline. “I haven’t seen (Y/N) anywhere. Um, is she also…?”

“Oh, you know how she’s like. Either up in the vents or chilling in her birds’ nest on the roof. And on that note, our resident hummingbird has become quite the firecracker.”

HR raised an eyebrow at his friend. “How so?”

“She punched Savitar square in the face then decked him multiple times over when Barry brought him in. Harry had to be the one to pull her away – well, more like carry her away kicking and screaming bloody murder at him. It sounded badass; wish I had been there to see it.”

The Wells doppelganger gritted his teeth at the mental image of Harry carrying you – touching you. The thought ruffled his feathers for some reason. HR expertly masked his irritation, turning the stove off and assembling the food on his plate. “Why?”

“Because he hurt you, HR.”

“…”

“He almost killed you.” And that was unforgivable, especially to her. “We almost lost you. She almost lost you.”

A rough sigh escaped HR as Cisco had sent him a knowing look before exiting the STAR Labs lounge. The Earth-19 man chewed on the inside of his cheek. Only a fool would misunderstand Cisco’s subtle intentions. HR knew what he had to do – he’d been reflecting on his time here, thinking about the people around him, about the relationships he’s formed. The novelist glanced outside – the sun shined, the birds chirped, and the trees rustled with the wind.

And the world continues to move on.

***

“When are you going to tell him?”

“…” You tensed at the abrupt voice. You snapped your head up, eyes darting to find Cisco approaching you with pocketed hands in his gray-black jacket. He wore a Bulbasaur shirt. The clouds surged by with the intensity of the breeze. Your hair blew over your shoulders slightly. Tilting your head, you turned back to watch the city. Days had passed and you refused to see HR, content on what Cisco had been telling you. He’d been recovering tremendously well, but… you didn’t really want to hear about what he and Tracy were up to. It wounded you. “Tell who, what?”

“You know exactly who I’m talking about, Ms. I’m-going-to-put-my-feelings-in-a-box.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Ohohohoho, no. I am tired of the love eyes, the lingering gazes, the pining. It ends.” Your best friend came to sit down next to you with that frustrated look on his face. “I know you have powers.” Your heart stopped in your chest at his accusation. “I know you used your powers to heal HR.” You bit down on your lip, not wanting to validate his statement. Cisco saw “I analyzed the wounds, looked at his healing at a microscopic level. I’m not Caitlin, but even I can pick up a few things. His cells were excelled to heal, but there were residues of your genetic markers at the wound point. You stitched his wounds together, cell-by-cell. My point is: why didn’t you say anything? Your powers are a-”

“-A curse.”

“What?”

“They’re a curse.” You threw a hard look at Cisco, making sure your hands wouldn’t touch him. “I can’t be playing God, Cisco. And… it’s unpredictable, volatile. I could either heal the life in my hands or take it away. I could rip someone ‘cell-by-cell’, Cisco. There’s no ‘in between’, not this time. He got lucky with my powers. He got lucky I didn’t make things 100% irreversible.”

“But why didn’t you say anything?” Cisco eyed the gloves you wore; it wasn’t the season for leather gloves.

“Because I didn’t want to give anyone false hope.”

“You don’t want to give yourself false hope, you mean.”

“…I can’t even heal a plant, Cisco. No matter how hard I tried, it wilted further. It’s a curse.”

“That’s not guaranteed every time, you know. It takes practice – discipline to get your powers to work with you instead of for you.” He nudged your shoulder with his, turning his gaze to the flock of birds drifting through the wind. “You know, he broke up with Tracy.”

“Ok?”

“Happened a week ago. She didn’t take it well and let me tell you. Tracy Brand was livid – the rage and yelling were off the charts. I think she has Harry beat. I knew it wasn’t going to last anyway, it was too superficial to begin with.”

“Uh huh.” You tried to sound uninterested, but deep down you were relieved. You heard a little ring in your ear. You wondered…

“She’s gone, won’t be coming here anymore.

“Ok.”

“So, go make your move.”

You turned abruptly to face him. “Cisco, have you thought that maybe HR doesn’t want to dive into a relationship right away? That… maybe he needs space to focus on himself?” All were things you had contemplated for yourself before.

“And what better way to do that than with a new roommate.”

“Excuse me?”

“Surprise, you’re getting a temporary roommate while we fully fix up things around the labs. I volunteered you since you have the space and the patience to deal with HR.” Your blood froze in your veins.

“Francisco Ramon, I am going to-”

“-Thank me, you’re going to thank me.” He had already breached away before you had the chance to strangle him. Heat rushed to your cheeks at the idea of HR living with you, even if it was a temporary living arrangement. You scolded your heart for beating loudly in your chest. One hand gripped tightly to your other. An audible sigh escaped you as your mind played with the idea.

Shit, what am I going to do?

***Day 1***

Cisco blew out an exhausted breath, setting down another box on top of a box in the guest room. You and the mechanical genius had been breaching back and forth with HR’s things as said novelist was crippled. His arm would take about another four weeks to heal. About 20 percent of shoulder fractures are displaced and may require some type of manipulation to restore normal anatomy. Occasionally the rotator cuff muscles are injured or torn at the same time as the fracture. Fortunately for HR, his rotator cuff muscles weren’t as damaged. This can further complicate the treatment. Therefore, in that time, HR would just be handling the lighter stuff, bless his heart. The novelist entered the room with his black backpack slung over his functioning shoulder – it was the last thing that he could carry.

“I think there’s one more box left,” HR pointed with his thumb towards his back direction, the breach closing behind him.

“I’ll go get it, not a problem. Why don’t you two get started on unpacking, huh?” HR shrugged with one shoulder and stepped away to set his bag down by the bed. Cisco threw a cheeky look your way when HR had his back turned, his eyebrows wiggling. ‘Have fun love birds,’ the scientist had mouthed at you. You flicked him off with a deadpanned look. Instantly you dropped it when the Wells doppelganger turned as Cisco snickered before he breached away. He gave you a confused look, but you waved it off.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For allowing me to stay obviously. And for all the help since I’m, well, a bit tangled up at the moment.”

He was referring to the cross-body sling that clung onto him like a spider. HR rubbed the back of his neck, and you didn’t miss the way his bicep flexed at the motion in that gray short-sleeve shirt. Calm the fuck down, it’s just a toned muscle. You’ve seen things like that before. The puppy-like smile HR sent you had your cheeks warming up. The gentle smile that made your heart melt all over again. You cleared your throat as you reached for a box. “It’s no big deal, HR.” Undoing the tape seal with scissors, you opened the box- and the first thing you see are a pair of handcuffs accompanied by a silky black blindfold.

“What’s in the box?”

A little noise left you as you shut the flaps of the box, trying to seal it again. The flaps remained downward in the box. “Nope, nothing. Just some clothes here. I’m going to get that one box from the living room.” You had backtracked right into the door, your nose throbbed in response at the collision. “Ow,” you muttered to yourself, rubbing the skin.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine,” your response was quick, but not rude. A deep chuckle made its way to your ears as you scrambled out the room, your heart hammering in your chest. Your thoughts scolded you for being so awkward and flustered around him. Be cool, just chill out… The man you’re hopelessly in love with is just living with you temporarily, it’s not like anything will amount from this. You picked up the last box in the living room, hoping that just clothes would be in here and not anymore kink toys. I mean… I have toys, too. AW SHIT, I HAVE TO HIDE THEM!

HR’s eyes never left you as you made your panicked exit. He let out a little breath before shuffling over to the box you had been attending to. Immediately, he face-palmed hard when he had opened it with one hand. His face felt impossibly hot at what you had seen. She must think I’m an idiot or something. His mind thought back to when you helped him shop for some new clothes then it had gotten ruined from a meta. His hand fell away from his face, the image of your kind grin imprinted in his mind. I am an idiot, though. A fool.

Once Cisco returned, you three continued unpacking HR’s things for the time he’d spend here. The labs were still in ‘piss-poor’ shape according to Cisco and that he’ll need to consult with Harry and Wally regarding repairs.

“HR, how are you showering?”

“Um, like a normal person?” A dumbfounded look crossed HR’s features as he set the plate of sandwiches down. The novelist had knitted his eyebrows at Cisco. He had taken up to experimenting in the kitchen when he wasn’t writing. The tea and coffee were still brewing in your kitchen.

“No, I mean with how your shoulder is injured,” Cisco snuck an evil look at you, you returned it with a glare, “must be hard handling it alone.” You knew exactly where this dumbass wanted to take this conversation, so you stayed silent as to not get caught in the crossfire.

HR thought to himself for a moment. “Just a bit, but I’ve gotten used to the mild discomforts and pain. I can mostly reach everything thanks to my long limbs. But I think the nice thing is that it’s an internal issue, not an external one. An external injury or wound would require me to really have help with showering that way the area doesn’t get infected or irritated with the contents of soaps.” A laugh fell from his lips, but his mind wondered what his friend was playing at while you were around.

“I’m just saying, if you ever need a hand well,” Cisco trailed off with a smirk, chomping on his third sandwich.

Oh, I see. Devious, but a futile effort. “I’ll make sure you’re the first one I ask for help,” HR teased with a smirk of his own for Cisco to drop his in disgust. A cough escaped you, which had HR’s eyes land on you. Your eyes met for a moment before you deviated your gaze. HR felt hypnotized for a moment. Hm… The engineer quickly recovered from HR’s snide remark.

“Alright kids, I’ll be going now. The labs require some diligent work that I, a capable and distinguished engineer, could only do.”

“Yet, we still have the occasional security issues,” You sipped your tea once the snarky comment was out. HR stifled a chuckle, but you heard it. The corners of your mouth lifted slightly at the notion.

“Hey, that’s not fair. They always come up with something new to invade our space by.” Cisco pointed a finger at you, mocking a hurtful expression on his face. It dropped into a sneaky smile. “Make good choices and always use protection, you two!” He breached away before you could throw your cup at him.

***Multiple Days Pass***

Through his time here, you noticed HR fueled to write what’s on his mind in the guest room. You could only assume that he continued his adventure story. Sometimes he would venture out for some coffee or take a walk to give his creativity a break. Keeping that in mind, you gave HR the space he needed as well as all noises to a minimum. You knew he liked the quiet atmosphere to pour his heart and soul into words as he did research for a scene. Pulling your jacket on, you compiled a list of groceries before you stepped out of your apartment. Locking the door, you headed out to the store picking up a few necessities as well as some snacks for HR. Like Harry, the novelist can easily lose himself in his task – which meant that he tended to forget about eating and such. You found a bag of Jitters coffee beans, adding it to your cart of items. Buying some snacks and fruit, you’d leave a note in the kitchen of the snacks when he emerged from his writing cave.

On the way back, you stopped by at Iris’ studio to check up on her. A few groceries for her as well were in hand. Cecile and you did your best to visit Iris. But you can’t deny that you blamed her to a certain extent. Had she spoken up once she had left Savitar’s place disguised as HR, HR wouldn’t have been hurt that night on Infantino Street. Surely, she could have contacted her father or Cisco or something. The transition could have been smoother. HR wouldn’t have been… The journalist was faring; she pushed through the pain and as Barry had told her ‘to keep living’. So, Iris did. She hadn’t been herself since Barry went into the Speedforce – she pushed too much, the smile wouldn’t reach her eyes sometimes. You sympathized; she lost the love of her life. But you almost had too.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, just… taking it one day at a time.” You nodded at her response, a small smile on your face. “How are things with you and HR? I heard of the temporary living conditions.”

“It’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m in my bubble and he’s in his doing his writing.”

“Right. Nothing going on whatsoever?”

“Iris.”

Iris set her cup of hot chocolate down and raised both hands in mock defeat. “We all saw it. We all see it.”

“See what?”

“How smitten you are for him.”

“I’m not-”

“-Don’t say you’re not. If you weren’t you, Harry wouldn’t have to pry you off Savitar before you clawed his eyes out.”

“…” You just looked into your tea, the honey that settled at the bottom. Iris placed a sympathetic hand on your shoulder, but you didn’t look at her.

“The heart will want what it wants, (Y/N). Pushing your feelings into a box and denying it out loud won’t change things.”

“I know.”

And my heart wants him, over and over again. Even if he can’t see me.

***

HR tapped his pencil against the desk at a steady pace. His mind wouldn’t focus on the words in front of him, on the scene he wanted to set. Instead, it kept drifting further from it. Further towards you: your eyes, your smile, the kindness that you held; the serenity that your existence held as the world continued to turn and chaos had unfolded at each turn. HR didn’t see much of you while he was here, the novelist missed your company. You were here, but you weren’t really here. You were either in your room or at the balcony with a book or on the couch with your Switch. He didn’t want to bother you, but… sometimes HR just wanted to sit beside you and pull you close to talk. To hold you in his arms and ask you about your day, to understand what you were thinking. HR cracked his back in a stretch from where he sat on his bed, being mindful of his injured shoulder. It didn’t hurt as it had originally done a few weeks back. The Wells doppelganger noticed that you were careful to avoid touching him or him touching you. Not even a hug that you used to graciously give him. You were especially guarded with your hands. A rough sigh left him as he threw his pencil down. The frustration was setting in, he was getting nowhere. You consumed his thoughts. HR wondered if you were revolted by him but doesn’t verbalize his thoughts to you. He didn’t think you’d give him your truthful answer. Maybe she is revolted by me. She did find the cuffs and the blindfold… No, she knew about the cuff stage thing well before that.

The sound of the front door greeted his ears followed by the soft tune of music. A frown made its way onto his face. Might as well take a break. HR stretched once more when he fully stood up, a little noise of relief left his lips. He cracked his back once more before smelling himself. For safe measure, the novelist sprayed a bit of cologne on himself and turned off the candle he had on. He mentally noted to take a shower after dinner since his last was yesterday. He liked the feeling of being clean, to be honest. HR carded a hand through his hair. I need a haircut soon, too. Yeesh, I feel like I’m letting myself go. Once I’m all healed it’s back to proper cuts and the labs’ recreation room. He wanted to go back to lifting weights and doing yoga for body stability purposes – especially now because of his shoulder. HR rested a hand on his chest, the wound had healed completely, but a scar remained. Upon entering the kitchen, he saw the groceries on the table and heard you whisper along with the lyrics. The music was set to a low level that your whispers were audible enough. He watched you sway a bit with the tune.

So please don't break my heart

Don't tear me apart

I know how it starts

Trust me I've been broken before

Don't break me again

I am delicate

Please don't break my heart

Trust me I've been broken before

The guitar tune pulled at his heart, feeling the raw emotion behind the lyrics. He eyed you for a moment. HR cleared his throat to make his presence known, he knew you didn’t like to be snuck up on. However, a little gasp left you from where you were. “You went out shopping?”

You looked up from where you crouched to put away the cereal. “Uh yeah, we were running low on some stuff.” You shut the cabinet and went to the other items you had bought. The music continued to delicately play.

“Need any help?”

“Um, sure. Uh, just set these into the cabinet on the left.” Normal, be normal. He’s not going to eat you or anything. Distance is good. Distance keeps you safe. You didn’t meet his eyes, the eyes that’d pull you in and never let you out – your heart shook with him here and the song that played. You were hoping HR wouldn’t come out while you prepped dinner to have a sort of peace of mind. The next song played before you could stop it-

My last made me feel like I would never try again

But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt

Come closer, I'll give you all my love

If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything

“I like this song,” HR started as he was finishing up with putting his side of the groceries away. Another guitar-like song that brought out the soft feelings of love and rejection. HR mused to himself if fate had planned this out. If this was some sort of sign or a cruel joke… You had stopped yourself from clicking the button to skip the song at his comment. You don’t know what possessed you to let him indulge in another song that you’ve cried to late at night. “Hey, I can cook dinner tonight. I have something I’ve been wanting to try. I’m not that crippled so I can manage with a few cookware.” HR chuckled to himself, a goofy grin on his face. Your heart leapt in your chest; his grin caused a small smile to pull at your lips. “You can wash up first?”

You swallowed thickly, your eyes meeting his icy blues. You felt your cheeks warm up slightly as the nerves crawled up your spine. “Oh, ok. Cool, yeah. Can’t wait to see what you cook up.” You nodded, ducking your head away and shuffling out of the kitchen with that shy smile on your face. You missed the longing look he had sent you as you fastened your steps to head to your room.

God I love that smile. What goes on in that little head of yours? We used to be so close… before Tracy came into the picture. HR pulled out the spices and the chicken breast. He shook his head and proceeded to prep the food with his one useful hand. I need to consult Francisco.

***

“We need to talk,” HR’s voice broke the silence in the side lab of the Cortex. He had breached to the labs using the Breach Extrapolator after he had showered and such. His damp hair was pushed back in HR’s normal style.

“About what?” Cisco raised a concerned eyebrow at the writer, stopping what he had been doing.

“(Y/N).”

A nervous laugh left Cisco as he went back to attempting to make the necessary modifications to the Speed Bazooka. Tracy was reluctant to help the mechanical engineer after the breakup. “What about (Y/N)?” Cisco put down his screwdriver. “Did you do something weird to her?”

“What? No! I- we used to be closer. We always talked, we’d hang out after a long day here at the labs.”

“Uh huh.”

“And, maybe it’s just me, but things have changed.”

“How so?” Cisco was wondering what conclusion HR was leading himself to.

“Things changed when Tracy came into the picture.”

Cisco made a little ‘o’ with his mouth with a little nod before closing it. He pushed a rough sigh past his lips, he was getting really tired of this puppy love game. “Why do you think that?”

“Francisco, she flinches when I get close – almost when I touch her… Does she hate me?”

“I think you and I know the answer to that one. But I think the real question should be: Why do you care so much? Why does it bother you? Do you love her, HR?”

The novelist tensed a bit. “…” HR pursed his lips as Cisco walked around the table that the speed weapon was mounted on. Blueprints were scattered on one table while the glass board held variables and equations he could not decipher. “What?”

“I said what I said,” the mechanical genius smoothly responded. One look at HR and Cisco knew that he was baffled by his forward words. But they needed to be said. “Now run along and use that head of yours to think about what your heart wants. Barry isn’t going to get himself out of the Speedforce.”

***

Cisco’s words mulled through HR’s mind as he breached back to your apartment’s living room. Only the lamp light on the side table was on. HR’s eyes landed on you, who laid on the couch with the book you had been reading on the back ledge of the couch. The novelist took off his shoes and set down his bag. He had detoured to the bookstore, looking for the next installment of your current book. The Wells doppelganger had assumed you didn’t buy it yet as it was vacant from your bookshelf. The gentle giant stepped silently closer to you; the dim light cast over you like a glow. There were slight bags under your eyes. She hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Spotting a large and fluffy blanket near, HR grabs it and lays it on top of you. He remembered you mentioned to him prior that you easily get cold, especially at night. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, HR contemplated something before his body moved impulsively. The novelist placed a gentle kiss on your forehead; his lips lingered for a few more seconds. Pulling back, HR watched your chest rise and fall. He turned the light off and stumbled over to his room with his phone light guiding him. He knew what he was going to write. Cisco’s question pestered him enough though.

Do you love her, HR?

HR took one look out his door before shutting it, his heart squeezed tightly in his chest as he whispered, “Goodnight, my angel.” Only the shadows that lingered were a witness to the fondness laced in those simple words.

***

You woke up with a start, you hand instantly smacking right into your chest. Heavy breaths left you as your nerves were in overdrive. Cold sweat beaded your skin as you gasp for air. It was another night terror – the same one for a few weeks now; a new way in which you caused HR’s death. Swallowing thickly, you screw your eyes tightly shut and whisper the mantra that calmed you down. After a few minutes, you started to regain control of your breathing – the thoughts that ravaged your mind finally ceased like the tides subsiding after a tsunami. You blinked languidly, hating nights like these. They weren’t rare, but they weren’t an uncommon occurrence. Deciding that you needed to step out for some air, you did so with the intent of getting a glass of water from the kitchen. Your fingers found the lights for the dimmers in your room, setting it to its lowest setting for you to see yourself out.

Cracking the door open, you were instantly met with the scene of HR passed out on the couch again. He’s been doing that for around two weeks now, the couch his new base of operations. His mouth was slightly open as little snores escaped him. A lovestruck smile crossed your features at the sight. Papers were littered around him, on the ground, and on the tables. Must be the manuscript he’s working on for his final draft. I hope I can read it at some point. Coming back from the kitchen with the water in hand you couldn’t help but stop to admire the sight. You noticed the glasses still perched on his face. Moving as silent as a ninja, you inched closer to pull off the glasses from his face. They’ll break if he keeps them on while he sleeps. Then he won’t see for shit when reading things. You nibbled on your bottom lip as your eyes drifted to the papers. One peek won’t hurt anyone. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Seating yourself on the ground, you leaned your back against the foundation of the couch. You were opposite to where HR’s upper body was. If there were any telltale signs of him waking, you’d hightail out before he could fully wake up and process what you were doing. Picking up a small stack, you started sifting through them. Your mind became engrossed with the words – the beginnings of the story he had spun about his adventures as to how he came to Earth-1. Then… mentions of an angel eluded you. It couldn’t be Tracy, could it? I know they broke up, but… on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that he can’t say that she was his angel at the time. Like a character development thing leading to their break up?? Well fuck, I don’t even think he’d mention such a personal thing in his book. I know I wouldn’t… would I? I don’t know. A little smile danced at your lips while you read on about the synonymous things regarding Team Flash that you failed to notice HR rouse from sleep.

“Do you like it?” Lethargy intertwined his words. A stunned noise left you as you clutched the papers. You turned to see HR rubbing his eyes before gazing at you.

I could get lost in those eyes if I stared too long.

“Uh, yeah, its- it’s really good,” you stuttered, setting the papers down in your lap. Embarrassment of getting caught gripped you. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I don’t mind you taking a peek. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of in it.” HR shifted his lithe body to sit next to you on the ground.

“Oh.”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“No.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“It’s not that important, I’ll be ok.”

“If you say so,” HR’s shoulders sagged slightly. “I’m here if you want to talk.” You nodded at him, whispering a little thank you. HR ran a hand over his knee, he took a glimpse at you who stared at the papers. He noticed what chapter you hand been reading – the angel was making an appearance in the story. The hair at the back of his neck stood while you thumbed the words on the paper back in forth, just lost in your mind. Your hair was messy from sleep, the bags under your eyes were still there. It killed him how you wouldn’t confide in him anymore. But he didn’t push you. You would open up to him if you wanted to or not, even if he wanted you to do so as so his mind can be at ease with knowing what’s going on with you. Cisco’s question sprang up in his mind once more before he licked his lips, his eyes watching you. “I do.”

You gave HR a strange look. I do, what?

“Tracy wasn’t her.” Realization struck HR the more you whispered with him.

“Huh??”

“I heard this voice before I woke up.” The novelist fully turned to you with intense eyes, the enlightenment in them – the fire that burned brightly. “The tenderness in it could rival any tasteful delight in the multiverse.”

“A voice?”

“Mm, it made me think that only a heavenly deity would have such a voice.” You remained silent as he spoke. “I never got to hear that voice since my coma… until now?”

You tensed at what he was insinuating. “Now?”

“How could I forget?”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“How could I forget about you?” The baritone huskiness in his voice made you melt with the way he said those words. You swallowed, trying to calm the butterflies that raged in the pit of your stomach. “The flowers that were left – beautiful, delicate, yet meaningful. You left those after visiting me.”

“…”

She didn’t deny it. “But you never visited when I was awake because of Tracy.”

“She hates me.”

“And I was too blind to see that until I broke up with her, she threw quite a fit.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you must have loved her so much that it would be hard to let go.” She was your angel, after all.

“She didn’t even know me. Truly know me.”

“… Did she hurt you?”

“Slightly, but the bruise is gone.” You and he were silent for a moment. Only the sound of a distant car horn was heard from the streets. “You didn’t deny it.”

“Deny what?”

“The flowers, the visit…” HR licked his lips as a rough breath left him. His nerves were climbing, but he needed to do this. “Cisco told me what you did to Savitar when you saw him. How angry you were that Harry had to pry you off him – I was so angry.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t know then… but I know now.”

“And?”

“Tracy was never the one written in my story – she didn’t care. She didn’t see me for anything other than a pretty face obsessed with coffee. You did.” HR tucked your hair behind your ear, carefully gauging your reaction. He saw how you tried not to flinch away from him. “Do you hate me?” He asked as he retracted a hand from you, happy that he was at least getting through to you.

“Never could I feel such a way towards you.” You hesitated for a moment before testing the waters. You started to explain, “I- the night you were stabbed by Savitar I… I just broke. I pushed Tracy away, I had Barry rush you back to the labs. You were dying, unconscious on the gurney and… I got to work trying to resuscitate you. I had Cisco take care of Tracy while I worked, I needed space to think clearly, but I couldn’t. When- when the others were preoccupied with Iris’ appearance, I used these powers.” It was now or never. “I was desperate. Your life was hanging by a thread- I didn’t think it was going to work, but nothing else was working. You were bleeding so much. But I had to try. I…” Your glassy eyes locked back on his, your hands pulled close to your body. HR understood now why you never tried touching him. Why you are avoiding getting too close. “Cisco found out, he confronted me. But these powers, life isn’t guaranteed. They’re volatile, unprecedented – regardless of how I feel in the moment the balance can tip between giving a life and taking one.” There was a tightness in your chest as your voice cracked, “I’m cursed, I could hurt you.” I’m dangerous.

“I don’t think you will.”

“You don’t know that!”

“But I do,” HR reached a hand out to hold yours. Tension filled your heart as panic started to settle. “You wouldn’t let yourself hurt me. It would pain you too much.” HR squeezed your slightly shaky hand, his other hand still bound by the cross-sling. “My life is in your hands.”

“How can you trust me so much?”

“Because love cannot be built without a foundation of trust.” He placed a sweet kiss on the knuckles of your hand. “And understanding.” He took the other and kissed it, baby blue eyes shifted back to yours with such intense emotion. The adoration that filled the author to the brim for you. Just for you. Only you. The one who saw him for everything and anything that he is. His safe space – the one other thing he wanted to be for you as well. He wanted to eliminate any fears that resided in your heart, the pain and doubt that remained.

“Do you hate me?”

HR cupped your cheek tenderly as he leaned close, your heart wanted to stop as blood rushed to your cheeks and ears. Your half-lidded eyes shut slowly as his lips skimmed over your own. “Never in my life, angel,” the novelist whispered as he captured your lips in a tender and sentimental kiss.

Never in my life could I hate the one who my heart has yearned for.

#harrison wells x reader #harrison wells #hr wells x reader #hr wells #hr wells imagine #the flash cw #the flash #harrison wells imagines #earth 19 harrison wells #cw #cisco ramon #tracy brand #iris west #Iris West-Allen

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thewildomega · 3 years

Text

Broken but not Shattered Ch.6

Sitting outside of the hospital wing he waited for Madam Pomfrey to relay any news to him on his darling's condition. Looking up as something caught his eye he thought it may be someone coming to allow him inside but instead he was met with the back of the headmaster as he entered the medical wing, the heavy wooden door closing behind him. Feeling his heart hammer in his chest he swallowed thickly. Had Madam Pomfrey called for him? Was he there because of Y/n? Had something happened to her? The seconds seemed to pass like hours as he waited there in silence. When the doors suddenly opened again he looked up to see those two blue eyes looking down at him from behind his spectacles and he just knew the man was aware of what he had done.

"Come Severus, you and I must have a talk."

That was all Dumbledore said as he turned and started walking, expecting him to follow. Standing from his seat he cast one last glance to the door his female was behind, feeling that pulling in his chest stronger than ever. Having no choice he looked away and followed the headmaster to the tower on the back left corner of the castle, going the whole way up to the man's office, the whole time his heart feeling like it was going to beat out of his chest.

"Please, have a seat."

Licking his lips he kept his head down as he moved to one of the chairs in front of the man's desk. Looking up he watched as the man moved around the room, making tea it looked like. When he placed a steaming cup in front of him he swallowed hard.

"Mint and Chamomile, to help calm your nerves. I have no doubt that you are on edge, the claiming process has been known to affect both parties in that way. Though omegas tend to get it the worst."

Snapping his eyes up Dumbledore he saw the man giving him a knowing look, his brows raised and his head tilted downward before he turned away once again. Letting out a long breath he felt his stomach drop, so he did know. Reaching forward for the tea he took a sip, hoping his headmaster was right about it helping to calm his nerves. Seeing the man come back to sit at his desk with his own cup if tea, lemon by the smell of it, he took another long drink from the cup. Blinking he felt his anxiety dwindling down but the pulling in his heart made his brows knit together. Meeting the man's eyes he took a deep breath, "How is she? Is she alright?"

Humming he set down his cup, "Our dear Y/n is well yes, she is resting peacefully with the help of Madam Pomfrey's sleeping draught." Seeing how this alerted the young male he gave a soft grin, "Not to worry Severus it was a small dosage, only to help her sleep off the events of today. You did well in your attempts to heal the mark, no doubt easing her pain."

"It would not heal completely." he spoke with a small shake of his head.

"Not a mistake on your part I assure you. Claiming marks are meant to scar, even magic can not help with that." Seeing him nod he took a deep breath. "Now, I would like you to tell me what happened in that forest."

Sighing he gave another nod before going into detail about the events from tonight. Knowing now that the male knew what his female was, that she was an omega he saw no point in keeping anything from him. Not to mention it was well known that Dumbledore always knew more than he let on. "... To be honest sir I do not understand it all fully myself. It was as if I could not control my own body, I did not even recall what I had done until minutes after I had already done it.... I.. I hurt her. I did not mean to, I...."

Watching the young male struggle to understand it all he furrowed his brows. He was aware of Severus's status, or rather his supposed status. He himself believed there was more to the boy than your average beta but his records stated otherwise so he had never spoken against it. They would of course have to be changed now that the truth had come out but that was not of importance right now. "Severus, I know you meant Y/n no harm, that it was not something you could control."

"But why did I loose control like that? Why does it feel like there is this whole other person inside of me, telling me, forcing me to do things?" he questioned. He had never much cared for talking to people about his personal matters, not even Y/n, but he needed answers, he needed to know what was going on for both his and her sake.

Taking another drink from his tea he stood and moved over to his bookshelves. Searching the spines as he spoke. "You are an alpha Severus, one who's instinctual traits have been repressed for quite some time. Am I correct to assume that this all started when tonight when her amulet was ripped off?"

"Well n...no sir."

"Oh?" he asked turning to look to the boy.

"The first time I ever had that pull in my chest, that pull to her, was when we first met in the courtyard?" Seeing the male's brows raise at that he went to question it but he swiftly turned back around.

Humming he continued walking along the shelf as he looked for one in particular. "That voice you hear, those feelings you get are that of your inner alpha. The amulet that Y/n wears is a concealing stone, which I am sure you put that together yourself. It's purpose is to help hide her true status from those around her in hopes that she would be able to have a normal life. When it was removed by the Hodag so was it's magic and that is why you lost control, you could smell her." Thinking on something he kept his back to him and his hands clasped behind his back. "But it was not the first time you had smelled her scent was it?"

"No sir." Dumbledore stayed quiet for a while after that and he wondered what it was the great wizard was thinking about. Just like before though he was speaking again before he coudl question him.

Plucking the book from the shelf he moved back over to the young alpha. "I know you have many questions, that there are things you still do not understand but perhaps this book may help you with that. "

Taking the black leather book he saw it held no title and furrowed his brows.

"By all accounts except for one Y/n and yourself are now bound to one another, mates. You have claimed her as yours and nothing can be done about it." Leaning back against his desk he took a deep breath, "I of course will have to write her parents, informing them of what has happened..." Seeing the male visibly pale he felt a bit of pity for him. "As for your own parents, well that is up to you to decide."

He would be damned if he would tell his parents a damn thing about Y/n. Knowing them they would just ruin the first chance at happiness he got.

"You are an exceptionally gifted wizard Severus, so with that being said I know you will understand that it is for Y/n's own safety that her true status remains a secret until the both of you graduate. Only then will you be able to protect her to the best of your ability." Seeing his brows knit together he raised his chin. "Understand this Severus, omegas are a extremely rare breed. I have only known of three in my lifetime, one including Y/n herself and as far as I know she is the only one living in our world now. She will be highly sought after you understand." Seeing Severus give a firm nod he grinned. "That will be all for now. Read through that book there, it will help. I will see if I can acquire anymore that I know will help better explain the alpha/omega connection."

Standing he held the book and walked with Dumbledore to the door. "Sir can I..."

"Yes, for a few minutes only, the both of you need rest."

"Thank you sir." he said with a nod. Going down the staircase he hurried down to the hospital wing to see his omega. Quietly opening the door he saw Madam Pomfrey sitting in her office. As the woman glanced to him from her work and gesture to one of the beds in the back he bowed his head. Moving over to the drawn curtains he moved it to the side only a small amount to slip through, glad for the things to give them privacy. Laying the book down on the table he stepped over to her bed and eased down to sit by her side. Looking down at her he saw she was sleeping soundly, her face no longer showing pain like it was the last time he saw her. Licking his lips he brushed back her hair and saw that his claiming mark had been bandaged along with the cuts on her chest, a small amount of bandage peeking out from the neckline of the gown she now wore.

Hearing Madam Pomfrey whisper that it was time for him to leave from across the large room he looked back to her face. Letting out a small sigh he stroked her cheek with his knuckles. Even though he didn't want to leave her he knew Dumbledore was right, they both needed rest. Leaning down he gently kissed her cheek, "I will come see you first thing tomorrow morning." he promised. "Sweet dreams... my omega." he whispered. pressing his lips to her forehead for a few seconds, closing his eyes and breathing in her scent. Standing he looked back to her one last time before grabbing the book and leaving.

.............................

Keeping his word he woke the next morning and went straight to the Hospital wing to see Y/n. As early as it was it came of no surprise to find the female still sleeping so he instead pulled the chair close to her bedside and opened the black leather-bound book to start reading. His classes wouldn't start for another hour and a half so he would skip breakfast to stay with her as long as he could.

The first thing you were aware of as you came to consciousness was that you were warm the second thing you felt was a slight aching in your neck. At first you were confused but then it all came back to you and your breath stilled in your throat. You were claimed. Severus.... he had bit you, he had claimed you. Going to open your eyes you instantly closed them back as the bright light hit them but after fluttering your ashes for a moment you were adjusted and looked around the room. You were in a bed, a hospital bed from the looks of it. Oh that's right Hagrid was taking you to the hospital wing. Oh no, that meant that Madam Pomfrey had no doubt seen the mark. If she knew then Dumbledore would know. Would you be kicked out of Hogwarts? Was this going to be Ilvermorny all over again? Who else knew? And what about Severus? Had you just ruined his whole life? Feeling your breath quicken along with your heartbeat you went to get up from bed when you felt someone touching you. Snapping your eyes to the owner of the hands you felt all of your panic fade away when your eyes met the deepest of black ones.

He had been in the middle of a passage when he felt a tug in his chest. Quickly looking up to her he saw her awake and trying to move, trying to get up. She looked afraid, her breath coming out in pants and her chest quickly heaving up and down. Placing the book down he stood and leaned over her, stilling her movements. "Easy sweetheart, it is alright. Shhh..... You are alright, clam down..."

"S...sev..."

Grabbing the spare pillow he placed it behind her head to help her sit up some. "Lay back darling. Relax."

Hearing his low, deep voice you let out a deep breath, your heart slowing back down to normal as you laid back on the bed. Looking into his eyes as he moved to sit beside you on the bed you felt him continue holding your hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb. He was here so that meant that hopefully he wasn't in any trouble. Bringing your free hand up to your neck you felt a bandage there and winced as you went to pull it off but before you could he was again stopping you.

"Leave it be." Seeing her look back to him he sighed. "It is going to take time to heal, even then though it will scar."

He still felt guilty, for hurting you it would seem. You didn't want him to feel this way about it. Squeezing his hand you saw him meet your eyes and grinned, "I will wear it with pride. Proof that I am yours."

Breath catching in his throat he felt his eyes go a bit wide at her bold words before a deep blush was coloring his cheeks. Hearing her small giggle he dipped his head, his hair curtaining his face to help hide his blush. "Bloody minx." he grumbled making her only giggle more. Thinking on something he looked to their interlocked hands. "Dumbledore is writing your parents."

Taking a deep breath you gave a single nod and moved to a sitting position. "What all did he say about it?"

He was not angry. He did not say anything about us being in trouble over it." Giving a small shrug he rubbed circles on the back of her hand, "If anything he understood that it was something that neither of us could control. He said that we are now bound to one another, that we are mates and nothing can be done about it."

Thinking on his words you bit your lip, your eyes focusing on his hand holding yours. "S...severus I never meant to place you in this situation, that's why I hid what I am... I didn't mean to... to trap you... to take away your chance to... to be with someone you l..love.... I... I'm sorry that you're stuck with me as your mate..."

There was that clenching in his heart again. Looking to her he saw her head hung low, her voice soft sounding. When he watched the tear fall from her eye and onto the blankets covering her lap he frowned, his brows furrowing together. You fucking idiot, you made her cry. Shaking his head he let go of her hand to cup her face with both his hands. "Oh Y/n no. No I... I did not mean it like that. Forgive me." Seeing those blue eyes still sad looking he brushed away her tears with his thumbs. Taking a deep breath he scooted closer to her. "You said that you did not want to take away my chance of finding someone I love but the thing is I have already found the one I love." Feeling his heart hammer in his chest he looked into her eyes and gave a nervous smile. "It is you Y/n, I love you. You are not trapping me, I am not stuck with you and if I am well then I am perfectly happy with it." Huffing out he felt his own insecurities taking over. "If anything it is I who needs to apologize for trapping yo..mmmm"

Shutting him up with a kiss you felt as more tears fell from your eyes but these were happy tears. He loved you. He said he loved you. Pulling away when you needed air you gave a large smile and laid your forehead on his. "I love you too Severus."

Smiling with all the happiness he felt he wrapped his arms around her in a hug, turning to kiss her head. He had someone that loved him. This beautiful, funny, kind, caring girl loved him and now she was all his and nothing was going to change that.

.........................................

Siting next to Severus you giggled at Lily's grumbling about her upcoming O.W.L.S in Arithmancy "You're getting worried over nothing Lily, you know you are going to pass with flying colors."

Letting out a long sigh she looked to her friend and smiled. "Perhaps you are right Y/n." Glancing to the bandage still on her neck she tilted her head a bit, "So how are you feeling? That place on your neck sure is taking a while to heal. Didn't Madam Pomfrey give you any Dittany?"

Stiffening up at his best friend's observation he looked at his female through his curtain of hair and saw her hand move to the bandage covering his claiming mark.

"I am sure Severus could brew you a potion or even make you a salve to help...."

"No need. It's almost healed up I just don't want to chance my robes or hair rubbing it to irritate it."

Clever little liar she was. Still though he wondered what she would tell people when she finally removed the bandage covering the mark, the human bite mark. He had yet to get a chance to see it since the incident but he had planned on asking this weekend when they went for their date in Hogsmeade. Even though she might not approve he had managed to make some money off of Avery and Lestrange by brewing them some Polyjuice potion. While he didn't ask what they planned to use it for he had a feeling it wasn't going to be something good. Either way he was happy just to have some money to take his love out on an actual date.

Nodding to the female's response she perked up when she heard owls.

Seeing most of the students get their mail he thanked Lily when she handed him her newspaper to read while she read the letter from her parents no doubt. Wonder if Petunia was whining about Lily being a witch while she was only a normal muggle again? Seeing Y/n's owl, Sin land by her he grinned and stroked the birds chest. He was happy to say the male had warmed up to him rather quickly and if he was sitting with Y/n when he landed, which he normally was, then the bird was quick to lean forward so he could pet him.

Glancing to his dear he rose a brow at the sight of her lip bitten between her teeth as she read her own letter. That must be her parents responding to him claiming her. He couldn't lie the thought of them not liking him or even worst disapproving of him made him nervous to his core. As foolish as it was before all of this the thought of him one day meeting her parents hadn't crossed his mind. Now though he knew it would happen eventually and he found himself constantly trying to think of ways to impress them.

Reading over the letter you let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding. Ever since Dumbledore had come to visit you and told you he had written your parents you had been nervously awaiting their reply. While your parents were pretty laid back you still knew how they were about this particular subject. At least you knew they weren't disappointed in you, that they weren't bringing you home and that they were willing to give Sev a chance. Although your dad had written a few heavy handed sentences about the things he would do to the alpha you loved if he ever hurt 'his baby girl'. No all in all you knew your parents would absolutely adore Severus, your mom's words of at least he is a fellow Slytherin' making you grin. Finishing the letter you did as they instructed, placing the paper on the table you gave a flick of your hand and ignited the paper.

Starring at the paper he snapped his eyes to the omega beside him and looked at her in shock.

"Y/n... did you just..."

Humming you looked to Lily and then to Severus when you noticed him staring as well. "What? What did I do?"

"I... did not know you knew how to use wandless magic." he said in a low voice.

"Oh. Well yea but really only a few things... mostly elemental. It's nothing special really.... I'm sure the both of you can do it as well." you spoke quickly, wanting to play off your little show of power.

"Well I slowed myself down from falling when I was little... and made a flower grow faster."

Smiling you looked to her, "See I'm not that special.... Sev? you asked, looking to him but Lily spoke instead.

"He made a branch fall on my sister."

Scoffing he rolled his eyes, "Would you let that go already."

"You didn't even apologize."

"I was eight and she deserved it...stupid muggle.." he spoke, growling the last part under his breath.

"She is my sister and she isn't stupid."

Curling up as the two argued you looked down as Lily quickly grabbed her things and got up from the table before walking off. Noticing Severus's stiff shoulders and hearing his low growl you wrung your hands under the table. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant to..."

"Don't." he spoke, his voice still rough. Seeing her curl up more and feeling that sting in his chest he took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. He had read in that book that those sensations he got was their connection informing him of how his omega was feeling. It was taking time but slowly he was deciphering them and he knew that stinging was bad. Closing his eyes he grabbed her hand from under the table, bringing it to his lips to kiss her knuckles. "You did nothing wrong. Do not apologize." Watching those blue eyes look up to him in uncertainty he gave her a small grin. "I love you."

"Love you too."

Hearing the clock chime he took a deep breath and stood. "Come on, time for Defense class, do not forget that trick I taught you to remember the difference between the Iguana behaviors today on the test." Seeing her nod he threw both their bags over his shoulders, not wanting her bag to put strain on her healing mark.

Tag List: @once-upon-an-imagine @dope-shit-bro

#severus snape #severus snape x reader #alpha severus snape #alpha severus snape x omega reader #alpha beta omega #Alpha x Omega #Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics #alpha/beta/omega AU #claiming bites #harry potter fanfiction #snape fandom #angst #fluff

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unnecessarywriting · 4 years

Text

To Be a Chocolatier - Remus Lupin

Young!Remus Lupin x Reader

A/N: This is something I was working on. I hope you all like it. Remember, requests are still open!!! Thank you for all of the support <3

To Be a Chocolatier

Breakups are fun. Typically they consist of muggle films, ice cream, chocolate, firewhiskey, sad songs, and occasionally some parties. These were all true for you, except, you weren’t as sad as you were letting on. True, you had just been dumped by a decent Ravenclaw, and you had been dating long enough for the “L-word” to spill out of your lips, but that doesn’t mean you were sad. He wasn’t the one. You knew that from the beginning, but he was fun and was comforting to have around. Now, two days after the breakup you sit in the common room with a book in your lap as the fire roars. It was pretty late considering the silence. Typically, it was too hectic for you to get some relaxation, but tonight it’s quiet. Too quiet. That means the infamous Marauders were out doing something.

You flipped through the pages in the chapter, enjoying the warmth that emanated from the fireplace. You were aware of most of your surroundings, however, you didn’t hear the girl step out from her dorm into the common room. She stood by the stairs and quietly observed you, trying to understand you.

“You feeling alright Y/N? I know this breakup is pretty rough, but you should really get some sleep.” It was Lily Evans, a long-time friend, who was too pure to understand the truth of the situation. Lies, especially about love, are a complex concept, and the clever witch could never understand. So, you play along. She feels like she’s helping, and you don’t get a guilt trip about leading anyone on, although he was the one who broke up with you. And, it was to be with another girl, so who was really leading who?

In the end, you nodded your head and said that you would be up in a minute, and that you just wanted to finish your chapter by the fire. Lily seemed to believe you and went back up to the dorms. A few pages later, you heard the portrait and assumed that the boys were probably returning from whatever mischievous quest they were on. Three of them paid no mind to you as they giggled their way back up to their own dorm. One of the boys, however, caught wind of your presence.

“Y/L/N right?”

“That would be me. You are Lupin, Gryffindor prefect and babysitter to those three,” You said motioning your head up to where the boys just were. He chuckled and nodded.

“I heard what happened with that Ravenclaw kid. I know we don’t know each other well, but are you okay?” He seemed almost uncomfortable with the conversation.

“Yeah I’m fine. Things happen I guess. I’ll move on soon enough,” although truth be told I already had. He sat down on the couch next to me.

“What are you reading?” You closed the book with your finger on your current page and showed him the cover. It was a muggle book you picked up from a muggleborn a few weeks back. It was just something you used to pass the time. You both sat next to each other with a comfortable silence. All that could be heard was the crackling fire. Then, you heard a bit of rustling and looked over to see him pull out some chocolate. As he was breaking off a piece for him to eat, you held out your hand to him. He looked at you incredulously. You motioned your hand towards him. Eventually he placed the piece of chocolate into your hand, and you shoved it into your mouth.

“Chocolate cures everything you know,” you said, still savoring the sweet taste.

“Not everything,” he responded bitterly. You glanced over at his features.

“Well, maybe those things that it isn’t curing don’t need to be cured,” you offered.

“Maybe. What about you, are you cured of your breakup yet?” You laughed.

“After that small piece? It’s gonna take more than that my friend.” You began to get up, realizing that it was getting late, and you did have to go to class in the morning. You wished him a goodnight and walked up to your dorm. A small smile glued onto you face the whole way up.

For a few days after this occurrence, you would see Remus around school, and in classes. If you saw that he had chocolate, you would wander over to him with a hand raised, awaiting your prize. Everytime he would chuckle at your child-like attitude and shake his head, but ultimately, you always got what you wanted. The other Marauders were becoming more interested in these interactions. Remus was not someone who was often involved with the girls at Hogwarts, in fact, this was the first real time that they saw something like this from him.

When it came time to go to Hogsmeade, you made your way with Lily by your side. She was complaining about some stunt that James pulled. You knew that she secretly liked him back, but you would never call her out on those feelings, at least not until she was able to realize them herself. You both walked into Honeydukes, where you were scanning the aisles looking for the best sweets.

“So, are we finally going to stop stealing my precious chocolate away from me?” I smiled to myself before I turned to meet his face.

“Well, it just so happens that the cure for a breakup requires a higher dosage of sugar than what you have been offering me. This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook quite yet,” you finished with a smirk.

From afar, four pairs of eyes were watching this encounter. The three boys and Lily were amazed to see what was becoming of their friends. Sirius and James made it their mission to get Remus to ask you out. Peter was along for the ride, since he liked seeing his friend happy. Lily, on the other hand, was skeptical. You were supposed to be recovering from a breakup, so why were you so quick to move on? She knew Remus, and thought he was a pretty decent guy, and she didn’t want him to get hurt by becoming the rebound.

You were unaware of how you were feeling. In your past relationships, there had been a sort of convenience and comfort to not being alone, but none of those boys managed to elicit real emotions. You were giddy for the first time in your life, and it was scary, but also exciting. Everytime you were around Remus, it was like things were falling into place, and you couldn’t have been happier. Remus was also beginning to feel something for you. It seemed as though whenever you were around, he had a smile tattooed on his face. Even if you weren’t around, he could feel his lips start to turn upwards with thoughts about the next time he would see you.

A few nights after the trip to Hogsmeade, you sat in the common room with all four of the marauders. You were over on a chair minding your own business with another book in your hand. Occasionally, you would glance up and peek at Remus. Sometimes, your eyes would meet and you would send him a playful wink. During one of these instances, Sirius and James made the choice that tonight was the night to get you two together.

“Prongs, I think I need help on that transfiguration assignment.”

“Sure Padfoot, let’s do that. Wormtail, we may need you for, uh, moral support.” With that the two schemers dragged their friend up to the dorms leaving you and Remus alone in the common room. He looked up at you and motioned his head to the recently vacant place beside. You put down your book with a playful pout, but smiled as you made your way to him. The next few hours consisted of different conversations about everything and nothing. You were both now laying down on the ground, when you sat up and looked at him.

“If you were a muggle,” you paused.

“If I were a muggle what?” He urged sitting up to face you.

“No. It’s dumb. Forget it.” You went to lay back down but he grabbed you and pulled you up.

“Let me hear it. C’mon, I deal with those three idiots upstairs. Anything you say sounds smart.”

“Okay. If you were a muggle, what would be your dream job, and don’t you dare say a teacher or professor, because that is just plain cheating.” You spit out the last part knowing he would choose the easiest of the options.

“I don’t know. Maybe, uh...He looked around the room and saw a wrapper. How about a chocolate maker?” You laughed obnoxiously at his answer. “What? It’s not that funny,” he replied sheepishly.

“Oh, Mr. Moony, to be a chocolatier. What a fitting dream it is.” You continued to laugh at his choice, and eventually he joined in.

Your night together ended in joyous laughter. It was perfect, and you soon found yourself in a place you never thought you would end up. You were falling hopelessly in love with Remus Lupin, and there was no you were coming back.

The next morning, you had slept in. You didn’t mean to, but your dreams were filled with Remus and you just couldn’t bring yourself back to reality where you two weren’t together. At breakfast, Lily made her way to the Marauders to talk to Remus about his relationship with you. She wanted the both of you to be happy, but she didn’t want anyone to get hurt in the process.

“Lupin. Can I talk to you for a minute?” Remus looked at the boys, but eventually got up to talk with Lily.

“You know, Y/N is still dealing with her breakup, and I just can’t help but wonder how you fall into all of this. I mean, they were together for a while, and I’m just worried that she is using you to get over him. I’m sorry.” She finished with a nervous look on her face. Remus’ expression was unreadable. Was he angry at Lily for making such accusations? Was he upset at himself for falling for someone who was using him? He needed time to process so that is what he did.

Later that day, you saw him in the halls with Sirius by his side. You wandered over to him like you had been doing all of this time, but he just shouldered past you and left you confused and alone. Sirius looked as though he was apologetic, but even he didn’t know what was going on. When he asked Remus about it, he was told to “mind his own damn business.” This was a clear sign that Remus was pissed, and no one could figure why.

This occurred for another week. Both you and Remus were feeling the effects of this distance. You two had grown so accustomed to the time you spent together. The smiles and inside jokes were gone and no one knew why, except for Remus and Lily. They boys were annoyed with the sudden irritability of their friend, but they thought it had to do with his furry little problem. Well, the full moon had gone and nothing changed. Remus was still bitter, and no one could stand it anymore.

On the other hand, Lily was seeing what real heartbreak looked on you. Before, you were reserved, but there was nothing that told her that you were really grieving the loss of a relationship. The lack of contact with Remus was taking a toll on you. You were sad all of the time. You hardly smiled anymore, and you lost the spark that made you so incredible. It wasn’t until you started skipping meals to avoid having to look at Remus that she realized that she had made a huge mistake.

One morning, she went to breakfast alone, which concerned Remus because you typically tried to talk to him or the other Marauders in the morning. This time it was different, and he was worried, but more than anything he was angry. He shouldn’t have had this much of an impact on you, especially when this was all your fault. You were the one who was using him to get over your ex. At least that was what he thought. After letting these thoughts get to his head, he made the decision to leave the great hall and take some time to himself in the library.

This was the perfect opportunity for the three boys to get an idea over what happened from Lily. She told them everything, including how she thinks that she made a huge mistake. Sirius and James started plotting different ways to get the two together, but Lily knew that she just needed to come clean to her friend and pray that you would forgive her in the end.

Later that day, you were in bed contemplating which sweets to eat, hoping that they would end the emptiness you felt inside. You couldn’t bring yourself to eat any of the chocolate you had bought prior to the silent treatment you were receiving from the boy that made your heart pound. As you picked up some sugar quills, you heard the door open. When Lily appeared before you, she looked desperate.

“There’s something that I need to tell you, and I just need to start by saying that I am so sorry.” She paused and waited for your reaction.

“Go on then,” you said carefully.

“Well, you see, uh, a little while ago, I um, had a chat with Remus. I was trying to look out for the both of you. I may have, just slightly, insinuated that he was your rebound, and that nothing good could come out of whatever you two had going on. Listen Y/N, I am so sorry, and I see now that what I did was wrong, and I know you will never forgive me but-”

“Stop rambling,” you interrupted. “I’m not mad, well I am, but I understand. I was playing up the whole breakup thing before and you were looking out for Remus. I understand where you were coming from, but I just wish you would have talked to me about it before. This thing with Remus is more than anything I’ve had before.” Lily watched you with a small smile. She made a huge mistake in thinking that you didn’t really care for Remus. Here you are, already plotting how to get him back. You never would have done that for anyone else. It was refreshing for Lily to see you growing up and falling in love.

“Lily, you were the one who caused this issue though, so I’m gonna need your help.”

“Whatever you need. I can’t see you mope around the dorm anymore.”

“Good, but this plan may require a bit of flirting with a Potter. Do you think you can handle it?” She laughed.

“I don’t even think I need to flirt to get him to help.” She thought back to this morning and how desperate the boys were to get their friend back up in high spirits.

The rest of the day and the following morning were spent making sure that the plan was perfect. That night, you set everything into motion. You had been waiting by the fire in the common room, just out of sight from anyone who was entering through the portrait hole. Sirius was bringing Remus to the common room, while Peter and Lily managed to keep everyone out of the common room for as long as possible. James was assigned to charming the common room to keep Remus inside for a little while. It wouldn’t last long, but it should be long enough that you two make up.

When you heard two voices enter the common room, you panicked slightly. What if this didn’t work? Had you really lost the only person you’ve ever really fallen for when you did nothing wrong? You were petrified to say the least. When he finally got wind of your presence, he went to rush up to his dorm but James pushed him back.

“You two are going to talk whether you, Mr. I’m-too-stubborn-for-my-own-good, like it or not.” With that, the two pranksters left you two alone. Remus looked at you with a look that you could only define as that of betrayal.

“You know, I lied that night when you gave me that piece of chocolate.” He looked at you with confusion written in his features. “I was cured of my breakup long before you showed up. I didn’t understand what heartbreak felt like until you stopped talking to me. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, you weren’t aware of the truth. Don’t get mad at Lily either. She wasn’t aware either. Listen, from what I hear from the boys, you have been pretty insufferable lately, and I know that it’s my fault but I think I found a way to fix it.”

Remus watched you carefully as you walked towards him. You held out your hand to him, and in it was some chocolate. His eyes trailed up to yours where you held a hopeful smirk.

“Chocolate cures everything, and right now, I need you to be cured so you can see just how much you mean to me Remus. You were never the rebound. You’re so much more than that to me, and I don’t want to spend another day of my life without you there with me.”

He silently grabbed the chocolate and began to unwrap it. He stopped and looked up at you with a mischievous grin.

“It’s melted, my dear.” You looked at the item in his hand and facepalmed.

“I’m so sorry Remus, I was waiting for you by the fire, and well, chocolate and heat don’t really mix all that well. I thought this was going to be romantic.” You felt so stupid. How could you mess up the easiest part of the plan?

He scooped up a small bit on his finger and sucked on it. “It’s still delicious.”

You looked up and grabbed some as well just as he had done before.

“Darling,” he began, “you’ve got a little something on your lip.” You smiled.

“So do you,” you said before closing the gap between the two of you. When your lips met, it was heavenly. The combined taste of chocolate and Remus sent you to another realm. You brought your hand to his face, unaware of the chocolate that was still on your fingers. When he finally pulled away, you saw the mess you had made. Small giggles spewed from your mouth, and they soon turned into large laughs.

“Mr. Moony, you really are taking this whole chocolatier thing too far,” you managed to get out between laughs. He brought his hand up and felt the residue of his sweet gift. He looked at your face, completely guilt-free, and down at the bar of melted chocolate. He smiled and sneakily swiped a few of his fingers into the chocolate. He waltzed over to you as you tried to calm your breathing after your giggle fit.

“Well, I think it’s about time that you become Mrs. Chocolatier. Don’t you think?” He dragged his fingers down your cheeks and across your lips, as your face contorted into that of pure surprise.

“Wow, you really do look the part now. Oh, to be a chocolatier Ms.Y/L/N.” He brought you in for another sweet kiss. But was interrupted by the sound of gagging from Sirius and James.

“We leave you alone for a couple of minutes and this is what you two do? Look at this mess. And to think Moony, you call us children.” You and Remus just giggled at the small ranting from Sirius before he pulled you in for another kiss.

#sirius black imagine #james potter imagine #lily evans #marauder #hp marauders #harry potter imagine #Harry potter x reader #young remus x reader #remus lupin imagine #remus lupin x reader #Remus lupin #remus john lupin #hp Remus lupin

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kikis-writing-world · 4 years

Text

Bug in the System

Summary: Reader has a complicated relationship with Nathan, living and working with him. They’ve always been nervous to bring up prescription medication, so shit hits the fan when they runs out and their mood plummets.

Pairing: Nathan Bateman x GN!Reader that struggles with mental health.

Word Count: 2k

Rating/Warnings: Mental health - depression and anxiety are expressly mentioned and reader is in a bad low. Talk of medication and ramifications of not taking them. Mention of doctors. Brief mention of sex. Worries of the stigma around mental health. Lots of swearing because it’s Nathan. Unedited/Betaed. it’s almost fluff in Nathan’s asshole way, there’s a happy ending.

A/N: I blame @foxilayde that I’m suddenly writing for Nathan... I hated him when I watched the movie and now here we are. Idk, this idea hit me last night while trying to fall asleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I had to write it.

You weren’t sure how to define the relationship you and Nathan had. He wasn’t your boyfriend - not only did that feel so juvenile, but also… he just wasn’t. There had never been a declaration of love between the two of you, no commitment to monogamy or even non-monogamy. The two of you lived together, worked together, slept together- it could almost be called a friends with benefits relationship, only… softer. You ate dinners together, danced around the house together, and cuddled together when watching movies. You also spent days, sometimes weeks at a time where you hardly spoke to each other when engrossed in a project. Did this form out of attraction, or emotion, or was it an inevitability when two adults - whose sexualities, attractions and availabilities lined up accordingly - lived together in isolation for an extended period of time?

In summary: there was no easy way to define what was between the two of you, and you were happy there were no other humans around to ask. You didn’t feel the need to defend what you shared, but you had no desire to try to label it either.

Despite the friendly and casual nature of whatever the relationship was, there were still things that you had yet to admit to Nathan. The dwindling supply of medications tucked safely in a make-up bag inside the drawer of your bedside table felt like a ticking time bomb. You only had so many doses remaining and it wasn’t like you could walk down to the local pharmacy for a refill. Any supplies coming to the fortress of a home had to be called in, ordered, and helicoptered to you. There was no way to do it without Nathan finding out along the way.

You watched the pills slowly empty from their plastic bottles like a reverse hourglass. Despite the effects they had on your malfunctioning brain chemistry, they never quite tampered down the anxiety you had about opening up about your mental illness, let alone to someone like Nathan.

Nathan worked hard and played harder. He strove to be the best him he could be at all times. He accepted nothing less than perfection and no matter what the relationship between you two could be defined as -coworkers, employer/employee, friends, friends with benefits, lovers - you didn’t want to disappoint him.

You avoided and avoided until inevitably, the last pill came out of the last bottle. It only got worse from there. Without the anxieties in check and the chemicals being balanced, the insecurity flared even worse. Your inner voice told you that you deserved the unhappiness flowing through you, that you should just stay in bed and give up since Nathan would kick you out of the house soon enough: he’d either get tired of your low mood, your falling productivity, or he’d discover your secret and be done with you.

He noticed. Of course he did. You stopped dancing, stopped cuddling, stopped fucking. Then you stopped eating, stopped talking, stopped leaving your room. You felt like you couldn’t get out of bed at all. You spent your time sleeping or curled up under your blankets in the dark room wishing you could sleep more. That or just disappear.

That was where Nathan found you, a month and a half after you’d run out of your meds.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” He barged into your room one morning… afternoon… you had no idea what time it was.

Nathan turned the light on and you could hear him pacing. “Are you sick? Do I need to call in a doctor? Are you even alive under there?! Hello?!”

You sighed, forcing yourself to sit up and prove you were alive, awake, and hearing him. The blankets dropped to your waist, revealing what you were sure was an absolute mess of a human. You knew what you looked like the last time you’d been brave enough to look in the mirror and you were sure it was even worse now.

Nathan cursed and you swear he nearly recoiled at the sight of you. “Are you in here dying on me or something?” He questioned.

You weren’t sure how to answer, what you could possibly say to him.

“Hello?!” He snapped his fingers in front of your face. “Is anybody in there?!”

You blinked as he crowded you, hysterics growing as you seemingly ignored him. You could tell he was close to grabbing you and shaking you, and you didn’t know if your body could handle that. As it was, your muscles had protested sitting up. Instead, you leaned over and opened your drawer, taking out the zippered make-up bag.

You tossed the pouch at him, hearing all the plastic bottles click together as it landed at his feet. He bent down to pick it up, opening it carefully like he thought some sort of creature might jump out at him. His brows furrowed when he saw the bottles inside and dumped them out onto the mattress.

“Are these all empty? Fuck did you take these?” He questioned, panic rising in his voice. “Are you trying to OD on me or something? Shit.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, about to call for help.

“No.” You croaked. “Well, yeah. I took them… but… they’re my meds.” You gave in. “I’ve been taking them since I got here. I[was taking until they ran out.”

Nathan looked down at the bottles, picking one up as he read the label. “What are they for?”

“Depression mostly. Anxiety.” You shrugged, listing the simple ones.

Nathan was quiet as he read the bottles. You had no idea if he knew what any of them meant. It’s not like the labels read “Take one daily to stop the crazies!” The names, the dosages, the frequencies meant nothing to someone with no experience… but then again, Nathan wasn’t just anyone.

“How long?” He sighed, turning to sit on the edge of the bed.

You would have deflated if you didn’t already feel as low as you could go. Having assumed the worst, you weren’t surprised he couldn’t look at you.

“I was diagnosed in junior year-”

“No, I mean how long have you been without your meds?” He interrupted you, turning to stare you down.

“A month.” You shrugged. “Almost two.”

“For fucks sakes.” He grumbled, turning to his phone again and typing away.

“I’ll pack my shit. Just, give me a few days and I’ll go.” You mumbled, laying down on your side and facing away from him. You didn’t want to watch him posting for a new assistant or scheduling the pick-up or whatever he was doing. You’d wallow for a bit, probably take a nap, and then you’d pack anything here that was important. Fuck the rest. You didn’t have the energy. You didn’t care.

“The fuck are you talking about?” He asked distractedly, like he hadn’t heard you as his cogs of his brain jumped to life. He did that a lot when he was preoccupied. He would hear your voice, realize you’re talking, but not absorb the words. Sometimes he needed to ask 3 or 4 times until you gave up and texted him instead.

“I’m bringing in a doctor. You need to get checked out before you start back up on anything. You’re not supposed to go off of these without supervision. Says so right here. Black and white.” He chastised you.

You frowned, looking over your shoulder in confusion. You saw him still typing away on his phone, holding one of the empty, orange-tinted bottles in his hand. He set it down, picking up another. He took a picture, looking over the label quickly for himself before setting it back down.

“What are you doing?”

“Sending him the labels so he knows what he’s walking into. Why the fuck would you just stop taking your meds?” He sniped. “Why didn’t you get more? I fucking ask you if you need shit and you just conveniently forget your pills?”

You picked at a thread of the blanket, not wanting to watch him as he grew angrier with you. As soon as you were in good health and his conscience was clear, he’d be rid of you. You were sure of it. It was more than you’d expected to be honest.

You heard the quiet noise from his phone, indicating the email had been sent. That meant his attention wasn’t divided as he rounded back on you.

“Why won’t you answer me? It’s like fucking talking to a wall or something. If I wanted one-sided conversations, I never would have brought you up here. Why didn’t you get more?!”

You took a shuddering breath before answering. “I didn’t want you to know.”

“Know what? That you take medication?” He scoffed in disbelief.

The room was quiet as you didn’t answer, but you could practically hear his brain processing, whirring like a computer with a squeaky exhaust fan.

“Hey, look at me.” He ordered, his voice dropping in volume to a kinder tone, but it was still not a request. It was a demand. You sat up again, looking at him stare at you with dark, angry eyes.

“When a program isn’t working, do you throw away the whole CPU or do you debug it and fucking find the fix?” He asked. You didn’t answer, assuming it was rhetorical.

“Your software is fucked, and these,” he picked up one of the bottles to hold up between you two. “These are the fix. Why the fuck would you be embarassed about shit like that?”

You shrugged your shoulders, dropping your gaze again. “You’re…” you struggled to find the words, but Nathan jumped on your train of thought frighteningly quick.

“Me?! So it’s my fault? I eat brown rice and salad and work out every day so I’m some health nut hippy who wouldn’t understand, is that it?”

He was putting words into your mouth, but he was essentially getting the point. You were scared he would reject you, mock you, think less of you.

He crawled towards you on the bed, cupping your chin a little too tight as he lifted your face. He was clearly done having you look away from him. “I’m a fucking reclusive genius who lives in the middle of ass fuck nature and only lets people come and go with a goddamn keycard! Do you not think I’m self-aware enough to realize that? A fucking prodigy, multi-millionaire by 15, CEO of the most successful technology company in history. The President calls me and I hit ignore. Do you really think I’m not self-aware enough to know we all have our own brand of fucked up?” He laughed.

“If you need these to get through it, to be my little genius-” He released your jaw to cup your face in both hands, giving it a shake. “To keep up with my shit, to live here without losing your mind at the isolation, to be my dance partner and dinner partner and movie date - then fucking take them. Would I be having to tell you this if it was for your blood pressure or a heart condition or something?!”

His phone buzzed and he released his hold on you, leaning back to read the message that had just come through.

“Doc’s gonna be here tomorrow morning. Gotta keep you hydrated until then and you should try to eat.” He summed up the message as his eyes skimmed the screen. He tucked his phone back into his pocket before slapping your blanket-covered thigh. “What are we eating tonight? Your choice.”

“I’m not hungry.” You mumbled.

“Not an option!” He declined as he stood off the bed. “What are we eating?”

You sighed, letting your head fall back as you thought. “Grilled cheese?”

“And tomato soup? Coming right up.” He leaned over to you, cupping the back of your head as he pulled you close enough to kiss the top of your head. “Rest. I’ll bring it in when it’s ready.”

Tagging: @wickedfrsgrl @din-damn-djarin @dinthisisthe-wayson @seasonschange-butpeopledont @kesskirata

#Nathan Bateman x Reader #Nathan Bateman x GN!Reader #Nathan Bateman x You #Nathan Bateman imagine #Nathan Bateman drabble #Oscar Isaac Character Fanfiction #Wookietales #Nathan Bateman

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abcsofadhd · 4 years

Note

I’m sorry this is way too long and too depressing, I ended up venting because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. If you see this ask, feel free to ignore, you don’t need to publish all of it or any of it. My question is at the very end.

I was recently diagnosed about 3 months ago and started meds with the sole, singular hope that I would be able to start tasks. that’s it. no other symptom I have matters to me, i just want to be able to start the tasks I want to start when I want to start them. I’ll accept any shitty side effect if it means I can actually do the work I need to do. I’m so fucking desperate to be able to get my work done, my entire workflow was absolutely destroyed and every coping mechanism I ever adopted rendered totally useless by COVID. My inability to work, meet deadlines, and follow through on promises has been ruining my life since March.

I was tentatively excited (among other weird complex feelings) when I got my diagnosis because I’d hoped that meds would be a solution. I’d read peoples accounts of how all the tasks that were hard for them suddenly became so easy, and I was so hopeful that maybe I didn’t have to be like this forever.

But it’s been three months now, and I’ve been through several stimulants at various dosages, and none of them have done literally anything. I haven’t felt the calm people talk about, I haven’t felt anything at all, and I certainly haven’t seen any increase in productivity at any point. The stimulants I’ve tried either have super inconsistent benefits, or they have no beneficial effect at all at any dose my GP is willing to prescribe.

One of the meds actively hurt my productivity because not only did it give me fucking nothing, I spent two weeks (until I gave up on it and we moved to the next one) coming home utterly exhausted and lightheaded with a headache and laying in the dark at 5pm refreshing twitter for hours and feeling helpless and shitty about how much work I wasn’t doing. That med was the worst one, the rest mostly did nothing except make me not hungry. The most effective one so far increased the frequency that I had hyperfocus, which was better than increasing fuck all, but I still couldn’t choose what to hyperfocus on or switch tasks, so it still didn’t give me the one and only thing I need. And for some reason it stopped even giving me that at higher doses?

And I guess at this point I’ve just lost hope that meds will ever be effective for me. I know it hasn’t been that long, 3 months is basically nothing, I’ve read this can take years. And there’s still other meds to try, and if the next one doesn’t work my GP will refer me to a psychiatrist who might be willing to try higher doses. But in the meantime I’ve continued to not be able to work and faced the professional consequences, and it’s been so humiliating and frustrating and hopeless. It’s like I’m waiting for a miracle to occur, and my life is on hold until it happens. I keep getting angry at random posts that share their success stories and talk about how different it is when you start meds, because that’s exactly what got my hopes up. I feel so helpless.

It’s just so demoralizing that I’ve spent my entire fucking life until 3 months ago assuming that I don’t have it any different from anyone else, so if I was struggling, it must just be because I’m lazy and stupid and worthless. And I just accepted that that’s how I am and I can’t change it, so I was able to make my peace with it and find ways around it. But now, I find out that maybe I wasn’t ever lazy and stupid, and there’s a solution that’s supposed to fix me. And now I can’t go back to just accepting that I’m like this forever, I want that solution to work so badly. But the solution isn’t working, nothing’s different. It’s supposed to be different and it’s not. So I’m still just as worthless as I always was and might still be forever. The status quo remains unchanged except for the fact that I don’t know how to accept it anymore.

If meds just don’t work for me at all, then that means I’m just stuck like this forever, and like. That means I should probably stop wasting my time and everyone’s time and drop out of grad school. If meds cant get me to start necessary, important, time sensitive work, then I will not be able to complete this program and I definitely would not be successful in the competitive career I’ve worked towards. I don’t know.

I’m sorry for venting, I’m sorry this was depressing. The question I wanted to ask is, is there a good way to tell that meds won’t work for you? Is it supposed to feel like something, or not feel like something? Do you think there’s a point when it’s not really worth it to continue trying meds and upping dosages? Thanks, sorry again.

Hey, no need to apologize. Genuinely.

See, finding the right meds and right dosage takes time. I had to try 3-4 meds at 5 or so different strengths till I settled on one that worked for me.

Everyone ticks differently. So different meds can work differently with people.

⠀

How I figure out the effectivity of meds is how easy it makes it for me to shower. Its usually such an effort for me, usually taking up to an hour of psyching myself up.

On meds, or rather the right dosage of meds, I can just get up and shower and immediately.

⠀

Your experiences are valid. They are also common among ADHDers.

I’ve gotten asks many times from ADHDers wondering if there was a point in trying out different meds. Cause yea, trying different meds can be tiring and take a lot of mental effort.

⠀

There’s also something I wanna add at the end, from what you’ve said.

every coping mechanism I ever adopted rendered totally useless by COVID

⠀

Stress and large changes make coping harder. A lot of ADHDers are struggling more because of it, medicated or not.

My point is that THAT could be the reason you arent finding your meds to be as useful as they could be.

Meds make it easier to do things you want to do. Coping strategies allow us to structure tasks to make it easier to do.

So what happens if our coping strategies fail?

Well, meds wouldn’t be as effective.

#Anonymous #askme #adhd #actually adhd #abcsofadhd

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sugasimply · 4 years

Text

𝙱𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝙴𝚙.𝟸 | 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙰𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚝

✦ Mafia!AU

✦ OT8 x Reader

✦ 21+ Series

✦ Warnings: Smut, cursing, creampie, wax play, very slight mention of drugs(pharmaceutical)

✦ Word Count: 4.1k

-----Filter by @/forsakenxtutorials-----

Your night with Hongjoong passed without a hitch. And when you woke up next, checking his side of the bed, he was gone.

You assumed a mission or meeting had come to pull him away while you were deep asleep. Seeing as a shipment of guns were stolen, you guessed he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow.

Tossing the blankets that covered your body, you groggily get up and do your usual morning stretches. The nights’ previous positions left your body aching for relief, especially, your poor neck.

Moving your neck caused quite a bit of uncomfortable pain, so deciding to get dressed and grab some good old painkillers was your best option. Today was a free day after all.

If Hongjoong was gone, the other boys were gone as well. That’s how it works with them usually, meaning you were completely alone to do anything you pleased.

Well...semi alone.

Although all the boys were gone, the guards stationed outside, and inside the house were not. This is still a mafias mansion after all. They’d be fools not to have or leave an extensive amount of security.

The only privacy you held was found in the bedrooms and bathrooms. At first, it was quite bothersome and prison-like to have people watch over your every move, but over time, you’ve gotten so used to it that you sometimes forget they’re there.

They are there to protect you and your lovers after all, so you can’t really complain.

Descending the staircase, you greet the guards stationed at the bottom with a small smile and hello. Today, they oddly did not greet you back like usual, only a curt nod and blushed cheeks were returned.

weird, you thought to yourself, making a beeline towards the kitchen- it was probably nothing, right?

Your mood drastically picked up at the thought of a nice quiet day alone to yourself. The boys weren’t always gone, and it’s not that you wanted them gone, but silence was a luxury in this house.

Swinging the kitchen door open, you start to hum a joyous tune, thinking of the relaxing day ahead and basking in the enjoyment of a boy fre-

…….

“Hey, Y/n,” Seonghwa greets casually from where he was seated by the kitchen counter before taking another bite of his cereal like he didn’t just shatter your whole entire day.

Dumbfounded, you stand at the entrance of the kitchen contemplating your plan to get away with murder. You could quietly strangle seonghwa or lure him to the woods and-

“Y/n?”

Snapping out of your premeditated murderous thoughts, you awkwardly walk over to the other side of the kitchen counter and look at Seonghwa confusingly.

“Umm Hwa, don’t get me wrong I like that you’re here, but why are you here?” you inquire, trying not to sound rude.

Seonghwa looks up at you with a confused expression as well, but he quickly realizes why you were asking that “Ah my services weren’t needed, so I decided to stay home all day with you,” he shrugs

You stare at him enthralled, “maybe the woods wouldn’t be the worst option.”

“Huh, what about the woods?”

“Nothing!” you dismiss, going back to the original task you set before Seonghwa shattered all your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Your boy free day would sadly have to wait till another time.

Living in a mafias house meant a shortage of painkillers was impossible. The boys were always bound to come back home with some sort of injury or bruise. The medicine cabinet was basically stocked with more medication and drugs than an actual drug pharmacy.

Pouring yourself a glass of water from the pitcher placed conveniently on the counter below the medicine cabinet, you grab the strongest painkillers from the cabinet and shake out the recommended dosage.

“What happened to your neck?” Seonghwa’s voice questioned behind you as you swallow down the painkillers.

“Your leader has a vampire kink,” you answer blatantly, turning to face Seonghwa with a straight face.

Seonghwa challenges you with the same straight face till he couldn’t take it anymore and cracks into a fit of laughter that fills the kitchen entirely.

“So he was that mad over what they said?” he ponders, wiping the tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes that had formed.

“Of course he was mad! His men were- wait you knew he was mad?”

Seonghwa nodded nonchalantly at your question.

“And you did nothing to calm him down?” you marveled

“We didn’t necessarily do nothing; we sent him to you!” Seonghwa admits with a proud smile.

……

“Would you like to take a walk in the woods hwa?” you suggested in a low voice, your right eye twitching ever so slightly.

“Huh?”Seonghwa blurted out, seemingly thinking about something else so deeply he didn’t hear you.

Signing heavily, you decide to let go of all murderous thoughts(for now). “Nothing just glad Joong didn’t tear down the whole house...again”

Dropping the conversation, you both went back to the normal routine. The painkillers would take some time to fully kick in, so you figured a breakfast smoothie was the least exhausting thing to make and it didn’t require chewing.

Seonghwa had long finished his cereal by the time various fruits scattered the chopping board, half already chopped by you, and the rest awaiting your fatal knife. Instead of leaving the kitchen, he opted to stay and watch you.

Intently watch you at that. Gazing up at him while cutting the strawberries, you could tell from his contorting facial expressions, he had something on his mind. “What’s on your mind hwa?” you question, getting down to the last few strawberries you had to chop.

He peered up to your calm gaze. He contemplated whether he should answer you, but ultimately he voiced his thoughts, “why aren't you mad at hongjoong? I mean he quite literally bit into you,” he remarked

Ah, another million-dollar question. See although the question was certainly unexpected- especially from Seonghwa who never asks about your sex life with the others- you knew exactly what your answer was, “I trust him.” The answer was simple, yet held a heavy meaning.

“I trust Hongjoong too, but I wouldn’t just let him bite me, let alone forgive him so quickly,” Seonghwa acclaimed, bewildered by your answer. He knew how Hongjoong can be rough with you, but a full skin-piercing bite? Even for Seonghwa, it seemed unsettling.

A small chuckle mustered out of you, “I mean a different type of trust dummy. Yes, I trust him the same way you trust him, but I also trust him sexually.”

“I’m not fully following,” he replied, scratching his head confusingly.

Exhaling loudly, you wipe the chopped strawberries off the knife and set it down on the chopping board to join Seonghwa in the chair right next to him. This is going to be a lot to explain, you say to yourself.

Your relationship with the boys was complex. explaining your sexual relationships with one another was practically like explaining directions to a maze with no exit, especially when trying to explain the kinks that others had.

Partially Seonghwa was the worst one to try and explain things too. Though it’s been a year since you’ve come into the family, he stayed cautious with you in bed. The boys all had their kinks and surely had no trouble showing them to you, Seonghwa...seonghwa was the opposite.

You weren’t even sure he had any kinks.

“What I’m trying to say is, when it comes to activities in the bedroom, I trust him with my body fully. I’m not mad at the bite because I knew he wasn’t biting out of anger against me. And even in his full rage mode, I know he’d never hurt me intentionally. That’s the trust we share with each other.”

“We explore each other. Set the bounds, set the rules, and we compromise on everything. He owns my body, and I own his. That’s how our relationship and trust in each other works,” you explain carefully.

“So, do you share that same trust with all of us?” Seonghwa ponders, tone slightly hushed. Inwardly you were slightly perplexed. You never really voiced out your trust with each member, well excluding Joong. You felt they could all silently feel it- hmm maybe that’s why.

“I would’ve been on the next plane to a deserted island if I didn’t trust you all like that, specially with Mingi’s kinky ass,” you snicker, about to get up to return to your previous tasks, but Seonghwa’s hand stops you.

“Hwa?” you question.

“The boys won’t be back till tomorrow, so will you trust me tonight?” he smiles softly.

Heat rises up to your cheeks in embarrassment; it was such a formal and endearing way to ask for that. “Y-yeah…” you stutter out, almost choking from how dry your mouth had suddenly become.

Seonghwa beams up from his seat with excitement, “I won’t let you down!” he exclaims, kissing your hand affectionately before skipping out the kitchen with giddy.

Weird, you thought to yourself, finally getting back to your poor unfinished smoothie.

….

“Did he just skip out of the kitchen like an anime school girl?!”

The day went by in a flash. The last time you had checked the clock it was 9 am, rechecking it, it was now 11 pm. You spent the day cleaning the mess Hongjoong had made of the bedroom and online shopping for new bedroom furniture.

Though the house had no shortage of maids that could’ve easily cleaned up the disaster Hongjoong had caused, no one but you and him were allowed in his room.“I merely feel like my space should be private to us alone,” was Hongjoongs explanation. You understood what he was saying, but cleaning that room was an absolute pain in the ass.

Currently, you were lounging around on the living room couch as a random movie played in the background. It was getting closer and closer to 12, and yet, there was no sign of Seonghwa.

After the breakfast fiasco, he disappeared. You didn’t see him at all around the house, not even a glimpse. You figured he ran off somewhere, but when you asked the guards if he left or where he went, they stifled from answering.

Bzz! Financially at 12 on the dot, your phone vibrates next to you. Turning it over, it was lit up with a message from seonghwa, come to my bedroom.

“Odd,” you voiced out to no one in particular. Nonetheless, you got up from the couch and headed to Seonghwas room.

“Veryyy odd,” you mutter when you see the normally empty hallway lined with candles along the walls. A lighted trail clearly mapped out to the door of Seonghwas bedroom.

The candles in the hallway didn’t have a particular scent to them, but as you approach closer to the bedroom, a scent all too familiar invades your senses. “Vanilla amber,” you whisper in amazement when you reach Seonghwa’s door and push it open.

The room was lined with candles everywhere; the floor, the nightstands, the dresser- everywhere. And right spanking in the middle of the room was the ghost of the day, Seonghwa. He stood there, hair parted and styled to perfection, a pair of plaid pajama pants his only clothing choice of the night.

The sight of him immediately sent fire to your cheeks. You’ve obviously seen Seonghwa’s body before, yet something about the light produced from the candles gleaming on his toned chest sent a wave of desire coursing throughout your body.

It appears you liked the sight a little too much as per the fact that Seonghwa had to fake a cough to get your attention away from his exposed stomach. “Oh umm...h-how did you get all these candles?” you ask awkwardly, trying to keep your gaze at bay.

“Cute,” Seonghwa muses. “I had to go to a couple of different candle stores, though I see you’re more focused on something else,” he smirks, stepping closer to you slowly.

“I-I…”

“May I?” Seonghwa questions, eyes gesturing down to the clothing you were wearing.

You answer him in a curt nod, unable to find your voice due to the intense atmosphere. He starts with your top first, undoing the buttons at an antagonizing slow pace. “You prepared,” Seonghwa uttered in amusement, eyes basking in your bare chest.

You had taken off any undergarments beforehand knowing full well what was going to go down tonight. The silk pajama shirt discarded to the ground with a small plop. Seonghwa’s warm hands came to your stomach, his thumbs pressing down lightly as they map out every curve to your body. His fingers then come to the waistband of your pajama shorts, successfully pulling them off just as teasingly as your shirt.

You stood there naked looking down at the ground not daring to look at Seonghwa as he observed your body, trying to engrain the picture in his brain.

He raises your chin so your eyes could meet and gives you a pleasing smile, “you’re perfect.” you couldn’t help the tiny flush of embarrassment that went through you at his gentle words, “I’m no-”

“You are,” Seonghwa affirms lowly, then, his soft lips are pressed on yours. No roughness or rushing, it was gently sensual, and you respond just the same. The kissing got deeper and deeper; Seonghwa’s tongue pushing past your teeth and meeting your tongue with ease as you gave no resistance to it.

Seonghwa pulls you closer, his hands resting on your hips while his tongue continues to explore every inch of your mouth- occasionally sucking on your tongue. He was doing most of the work and wanting to satisfy him as well was becoming a heavy need for you.

So, deciding to bold, your hand goes to the tent forming in his pajama pants; you touch feather-like as you start to palm him. Seonghwa groans at the surprise, his lips tilting away from you to let out small puffs of air.

His head drops down to your shoulder as you continue to palm him; your hand adding pressure to his shaft little by little. Seonghwa is withering in your touch, his little puffs of air turning into shallow moans. God were his moans orgasm worthy.

Lifting his head up, Seonghwa’s rough voice invades your ears, “that’s enough foreplay.” he pulls your hand away from his intensely prominent erection and trunks you to push you on the bed- his pants quickly discarded in a flash.

You don’t even get the chance to revel in Seonghwa’s fully bare body before he’s on top of you; his cock resting heavily against your belly, the head of it red with need and leaking drops of precum.

Seonghwa’s lips and hands find purchase on your breast, squeezing and gently sucking them. Teasing one nipple with his fingers and the other left to be tormented by his tongue. His ministrations driving you to whine and squeal as pleasure soars through you.

His torture on your sensitive nipples continues for a few minutes, his hands and mouth alternating between each nipple, your body thrashing, and twisting. Mouth wide open and letting out soft moans.

Once Seonghwa’s hunger for your breast is sated, he pulls away, saliva dripping down his mouth like a rabid animal. However, his fingers continue to work your nipples- twisting them playfully, his grip sometimes tightening causing you to groan and arch your back.

“What happened to no foreplay,” you pant out with a little difficulty due to Seonghwa’s intoxicative touch.

Seonghwa retorts your comment with one last tight squeeze to your nipples and an amused chuckle that dies down as quickly as it came out. His face turns serious, deadly serious. His eyes glance up to yours, no joking expression to be found on his face, “do you trust me?”

The question perplexed you, “of course I do hwa,” you answer quickly without any hesitation.

“No, do you trust me?” he asks again, his voice emphasizing the word trust.

“Yes,” you answer again with no hesitation. You knew what he was really asking and it was the full truth, you do trust him both ways. Still, Seonghwa searches your eyes for any doubt, when he finds none at all, his expression relaxes, and his lustful gaze returns.

“Thank you,” Seonghwa replies genuinely before getting off the bed to position himself between your legs. You catch a spark of thrill course through Seonghwa as he stares down your body in admiration. “Ready?” he questions, lining himself up with your entrance.

You don’t have to even contemplate your answer and give him a firm nod, which he returns. You hold in your breath as seonghwa starts to push inside you. He sank in slowly to let you adjust and for the benefit of feeling every inch of him.

Though there was no resistance, you couldn’t resist letting out a gruntled moan. Seonghwa wasn’t as long as hongjoong, but he sure as hell was girthier making the stretch painfully delicious.

Once Seonghwa’s cock was fully settled in you, he reared his hips back and slowly thrusts back in. He continues with these slow and gentle thrusts, gradually working you open till you’re accepting all of him with ease and small moans.

“Fuck Y/n,” Seonghwa groans at you, “you feel so fucking good around me,” his sultry voice fanning your ear when he delivers a particularly hard thrust causing a loud moan to tear from your throat.“That’s it, baby, take it all,” he praises you, the pace of thrusts instantly picking up from thereon.

Seonghwa moves harder and faster, his skin slapping yours vigorously, and you’re relishing in the bliss. Seonghwa is pressing into you so deeply and dragging along your sensitive insides.

You close your eyes wanting to only concentrate on the pleasure you're receiving and the build-up of an orgasm forming in you- a plethora of loud moans unawarely flooding out your mouth. Seonghwas thrusts slow and falters for a second and he shirts himself a little, but returns to the same pace in a matter of seconds, so you thought nothing of it.

“You’re doing so well baby, but I’m going to need you to breathe and relax yourself for what’s going to happen next,” he asks of you lowly in your ear, one of his hands sliding up and down your thigh to calm down your now very alert mind.

“What’s going to happen hwa?” you ask through rocky moans, tempting to open your eyes, but Seonghwa covers them quickly before you could catch a glimpse of anything.

“Ah ah keep your eyes closed, and I want to try something with you, but you need to trust me and relax, Seonghwa halts his thrusts completely, “nothing harmful will happen to you. Everything is up to you. I won’t do anything you don’t want or don’t ask for; so, do you want to do this?”

You feel a bit apprehensive at whatever seonghwa is planning to do. The fear of the unknown will always be very much present within you, but you felt safe in Seonghwa’s hands, and that’s all that was needed to clear your mind of any hesitation or doubt.

“I want to do it,” you agree firmly.

“What’s the safe word?”

“Purple.”

“Good girl, now breathe and relax for me.” Seonghwa resumes his thrusts, pulling his hips back gently and pushing in every inch of his cock all the way. You breathe in deeply through your nose and exhale steadily through your mouth, letting your body go lax and bringing that built up pleasure back.

“That’s it, that’s my girl,” Seonghwa praises, a fast pace of thrusts hitting inside you suddenly. You try to keep up a steady breathing pattern, but it’s near to impossible with Seonghwa’s cock rubbing along your walls, hitting that special spot so fucking good.

with your eyes closed, every sensation becomes more present and powerful. Seonghwa only pushes impossibly further, provoking more moans to pour out of you. All your senses have been drowned so much by Seonghwa’s cock that you fail to smell the pungent odor of smoke.

More so, you fail to question what is it Seonghwa was going to do when you let out what would be classified as a hiss mixed with a strangled moan, “ah fuck!” a hot heat had hit your stomach unexpectedly causing the mixed sound to erupt from your throat and your body to twit oddly.

Your eyes fly open to investigate what the hell just splattered on you and- fuck.

It took your eyes a second to adjust, but there everything was clear as day. Seonghwas body glistened with sweat, his muscles flexing rigidly as he continues to thrust into you hard, his eyes dazed out with lust, and his hand holding a burnt-out candle a foot above your stomach.

“I knew you where a kinky fuck,” you groan out as seonghwa moves to drip the hot wax on your left thigh.

“I could say the same about you. You’re clenching down on me so tightly; you like it baby?” seonghwa chuckles breathlessly, moving the candle above your breasts and letting a stream of hot wax drip. You clamp down hard on his cock, the heat of the wax creating an unusual pleasurable pain that could only be described as intense. So intense it has you gasping and squirming uncontrollably.

Seonghwa gave one last dribble of wax on your right thigh; he knew you both wouldn’t last much longer and he didn’t want to push you farther on your first time with something new. Setting the burnt-out candle aside, Seonghwa curls his hands under your knees and guides your legs over his shoulders.

“You’re doing so good baby,” Seonghwa gushes and gives a gentle kiss to your knee. That sweet moment didn’t last even a second; Seonghwa’s grip on you tightens and he starts pounding into you at a relentless brutal pace.

The pure force of his cock thrusting into you has you delirious. All you could do was tray and grasp at any air you could. You couldn’t help yourself anymore, inaudible cries of seonghwas' name spill out of you; he was pushing and filling you in all the right ways.

Seonghwa wasn’t doing any better. His thrusts grew erratic and impatient, his breathing becoming labored, and muscles contraction. A sinfully beautiful sight he was to bask in.

You whine out, the rough pushes of his cock that wnt impossibly deeper into you finally pushing you to your orgasm. “Fuck!” you scream, tossing your head back in absolute bliss. Everything felt so light, but heavy at the same time.

The build-up, your fucked out face, and the wax that glistened so brightly with the help of the candle flames is all it took for Seonghwa to spill into you. His body convulsing with relief as he fills you up with every drop of his cum- the amount so big that some even spills out of you before he pulls out.

Seonghwa flops down next to you, completely burnt out and exhausted; the same exact feeling hitting you as you come down from euphoric bliss. “Are you okay baby?” Seonghwa asks you softly, sluggishly getting up to grab a few wet rags and oil to get the hardened wax off your skin.

Seonghwa first took one of the wet rags and wiped up all the excess cum that had gushed out of you. He then took another rag and smothered oil on it, and began dotting oil all over the wax, effectively soaking it and peeling it off your body.

He gave your body one last wipe down before throwing away the dirtied rags and wax in the trash, and flopping down next to you again- His arms immediately coming around you and pulling you flush against his chest.

“Thank you for this. For trusting me,” Seonghwa whispered, his tired eyes staring into yours with genuine love and happiness. Your heart swelled full with the same love. No words could ever express just how much you love and trust these boys, and no words could ever express how much it means to you to be trusted by them.

Trust isn’t simple in their world, trust is life or death. It’s a bond that if broken or severed could only leave with a bullet to the heart- figuratively and literally.

“I love you,” you whisper softly, snuggling into him and giving a small kiss to his chest.

“I love you to baby,” Seonghwa whispers back, tightening his arms around you in a protective hold.

With that, you drift to sleep peacefully. The last things you hear being Seonghwa’s calm breathing and the distant quiet sound of a phone going off.

____________________________________________________

Taglist: @mirror-juliet @ambersaesthetics @multidreams-and-desires @etherealskzs @sonnensplitter @daroze22 (Sorry if I missed anyone!)

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felidaefighter · 3 years

Text

Fears To Ease And Flesh To Mend

Ranboo and Tubbo find out that unzombifying a piglin is a bit different from unzombifying a villager, and they start off parenthood with quite a few complications and in a little over their heads. For the sake of their child, they may need to put awkwardness aside and ask for help.

[Sick fic, canon divergence, Phil and Techno meet Michael, lots and lots of piglin lore headcanons] ~20,000 words per chapter

Chapter Two of Four

“Hey Phil,” Ranboo said carefully as they were coming back from trading with the local villagers, who gave good deals since they were grateful they’d been cured after being zombified, “What’s the difference between curing a zombie villager and curing a zombie piglin? Aside from the obvious.” Phil looked curiously at Ranboo while they walked. “That’s an interesting question. It is a little bit different, yeah. Technically the process itself is the same but ahhh there’s always some difficulties. Usually not worth the trouble.” Ranboo pondered this for a moment. “Huh. How do you mean?”

“Well, because of where they’re from, piglins tend to have a bit of a resistance to magic. So the rotten flesh doesn’t really heal fully or automatically the way it does for villagers. The whole process is easier in the Nether, because the lack of moisture keeps the rot slow and less likely to spread after they’re healed.” Ranboo listened intently, opening his book and scribbling notes so he could keep track. “It’s just a rare thing to see happen, is all. Adult piglins especially, they’re such a warrior-based society that waking up hurting and confused just means they’re more likely to attack the person who healed them than be grateful. Not to mention they’re still going to have infections and rot. It’s just so uncommon because you’d never try and heal a piglin that you didn’t know beforehand. It requires so much aftercare and pre-established trust, like from before they were zombified, that without it it’s just bound to lead to the piglin dying anyways.”

“Oooh interesting, interesting. But the dosage ratio of potions and apple and stuff is the same, right?” Phil nodded. “Yeah, between piglins and villagers and the little rascals, too.” He cackled a little. “General consensus tends to be it’s better to overdose on magic than underdose, because worst case scenario for inhaling too much of the weakness potion is you feel a bit queasy, and worst case scenario for eating too much golden apple is that you get a stomachache, but if you underdose the worst case scenario is they aren’t healed at all and can never be properly healed.”

They were just about at their houses now, and Phil shot Ranboo a look with raised eyebrows. “You don’t know any piglins aside from Techno though right? You aren’t worried about Techno are you mate? You don’t need to be-- he’s already gone through that process. He doesn’t need to do it again.” Ranboo stopped short. This was news to him, but also, it made for an excellent cover. For now at least-- admittedly he was still a little lacking on information for how to treat the infections properly. “Wait, really? Techno was zombified?”

“Ah, yep.” Ranboo nearly jumped out of his skin, spooked at Techno’s voice. The piglin must’ve come out of his own house to greet them as they arrived, and overheard the last bit of conversation. “An interestin’ way to enter a conversation, but yeah, I was.” Techno shrugged. “Just for a few seconds though. Happens with any piglin that wants to be able to traverse the overworld. Phil and I planned it ahead of time, so there weren’t really a lot of sores to deal with or anything. Definitely not where most of my scars come from,” Techno said with a bragging smirk.

Ranboo laughed a bit. “Of course, yeah. That’s so cool though, ‘cause I didn’t know any of that. It does make sense though, I think, yes.” Ranboo was desperately trying to sound normal and not allude to anything else at all. He really hoped it was working. “Ranboo, you good mate?” Phil asked. It was, apparently, not working. He tried to stay steady and even with his voice. “Yeah, no, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Techno kind of squinted at him, and Ranboo nervously curled in on himself just a bit, despite being slightly taller than the piglin.

Techno looked like he was going to say something that surely would’ve made Ranboo explode with anxiety, but instead, he just shrugged. “Alright. We won’t pry. Will we, Phil?” Techno said, looking pointedly at the man, who very much looked like he did in fact want to pry, but conceded with a bit of a grumble and a small sigh. “Let us know if you’re curious about anything else though. Techno and I have gone around the bend with this one, we know the ins and outs.” Techno elbowed Phil (knowing this was his way of trying to subtly pry), who lightly smacked him back. Ranboo, in turn, nodded at them. “Mhm! I will, thank you.”

Ranboo pretended not to notice as the two of them exchanged a knowing glance with one another, instead giving a wave and heading off to his own house for the night. He let out a long, shaky exhale once inside. “Okay, could’ve gone better, could’ve gone worse. Should’ve kept Michael in the nether while healing him, but we did it as soon as he was safe at Snowchester in a baby-proofed room so… Overall… not... as bad as it could have been? I think we did okay, I think we did okay,” Ranboo muttered to himself, trying to calm himself down.

Unfortunately, he didn’t learn anything about how to heal an infection, but he supposed that was typical. He didn’t ask about infections. He asked about unzombifying piglins. He did have more resources at his house than Tubbo had, though, so he went to his basement and started rummaging around in his chests to see if he could find anything of value. A little difficult with how disorganized he tended to be, but that was okay. It gave Tubbo time to respond to him after he sent him a quick message.

Secretly, Ranboo wanted to involve Techno and Phil; he knew that they and Tubbo had a bit of a rough history, but the two really seemed to know what they were talking about. And Tubbo had changed and Phil and Techno had changed, and Ranboo didn’t think they would try to hurt Michael. If there was a chance they could help Michael, he was considering risking it. He’d do anything for his son. But he wouldn’t say anything unless Tubbo was okay with it; after hesitating, he sent Tubbo another message.

<Ranboo> techno and phil might know how to help with michael’s infection <Ranboo> but i don’t know how to ask without telling them about him <Ranboo> and i won’t tell them if you’re worried <Tubbo> i don’t trust techno <Tubbo> but he is a piglin also <Tubbo> and i trust you <Ranboo> i just worry that it’ll get worse if we don’t do it right <Tubbo> it’s your call big man

Ranboo stared anxiously at the messages, thinking of his next step. He was so focused on it that he almost didn’t hear the knock on his door from upstairs. Startled, he shouted up. “Coming! I’ll be there in a second!” Giving one last glance at the conversation, he tucked his communicator away and rushed up the ladder. He opened the door and stepped outside a bit, his house being a bit too cramped to have a decent conversation. “Phil!” He exclaimed, utterly confused. “What’s up? Everything okay?” Phil was standing at the door next to a very disgruntled Technoblade, who looked like he had tried everything in his power to stop whatever conversation was about to happen and, upon failing due to Phil’s Old Man Stubbornness, decided to tag along.

“So, hypothetically,” Phil started, and Techno groaned. Phil sent one of his typical jokingly exasperated glances at Techno in response, and started again. “Hypothetically, if you were curing a zombie piglin, you’d probably want someone around who’s done it before to make sure everything went okay.” Ranboo stared at him for a moment, processing. “That’s true! Hypothetically, if I’d already cured a zombie piglin, I’d also want help with it to make sure nothing went wrong.” Phil now wore a knowing smirk, triumphant in the fact that his suspicions were confirmed. Techno sighed. “See, Phil, what you’ve done now is you’ve made a lot more work for us. Ranboo could’ve got it all done on his own and probably would’ve been fine, but now we gotta go help.” Phil turned to him as he spoke.

“Techno, you don’t have to help mate, I’ve done this on my own before--” Techno interrupted him. “Nahhhh nah nah, you can do it on your own sure, but you see I am a certified actual piglin, so you’re gonna want my help regardless. It’ll be easier with me there. I’m comin’ with you.” Ranboo just stood there, baffled, trying to gather his thoughts. They were both asking way more than he initially thought and also way less. Was this a good thing? Regardless, they had offered to help and apparently nothing could convince them not to. “Th-- Thank you…?” Ranboo said, then corrected himself, “Thank you. I uh. Hoo boy. It’s a bit of a story,” he admitted nervously.

Phil placed a hand on Ranboo’s upper arm, given his shoulder was a bit too high up for comfort. “Let’s walk and talk, then. I’m assuming this piglin you know is elsewheres, at least.” Ranboo nodded. “Yeah. Let me just, uh--” he sent a quick message to Tubbo saying they were on their way as they started walking-- “Yeah. But first uh, we already healed him. Sort of. We cured him, but he’s not healed. He’s got some really bad infections and we’re worried that some of the issues are internal. It doesn’t seem like it, but we want to be safe.” Phil’s face shifted to a look of deep concern, and mentally started making note of what they would need, as Techno looked rather thoughtfully at Ranboo, having picked up more than just the medical details that Phil was so focused on. “‘We’’? Who’s ‘we’?” Techno asked.

Ranboo stiffened, and then took a deep breath. Well, here went nothing. “So you know Tubbo? --Please don’t get mad at me,” Ranboo started, and Techno held his tongue. “When I first joined and Tubbo was giving me a tour of New L’Manberg, we found a. Uh. We found a baby piglin who had been zombified.” Something seemed to click for both Techno and Phil as a look of realization passed over their faces, and Ranboo prayed that it didn’t turn to anger or aggression. They had no reason to feel that way, he tried to reassure himself, but he knew their history with Tubbo.

“We… made him a little shelter in the Nether to protect him from ghasts and wandering off. Until we’d made a baby-proofed room for him at least in Tubbo’s house. And last night we brought him to the overworld, to Tubbo’s house, and cured him.” Ranboo waited for the backlash, and while Techno looked like he had something he wanted to say, Phil spoke first. “Keeping him in the Nether in a shelter was one of the best things you could’ve done. Most of the area around the main portal, which is what I’m assuming you used, is wasteland, so it’s really dry and that would’ve protected him as well as anything can from decaying. Techno?”

Techno, after having been given the go-ahead, was finally free to speak his mind. “Ranboo-- Ranboo I’m not really so sure about Tubbo, I mean he is one of the big government guys that hunted me down-- are you doin’ this as like, a favor to him? What’s the relationship there?” Ah. Ranboo had been prepared to talk about Michael, but this, now this was a little awkward. Instead, he decided to first pipe up to correct Techno and defend Tubbo. “Actually, that was Quackity’s idea. He kind of talked everyone else into that. I’m pretty sure at least. I think I wrote it down. He was definitely the one who organized it though. I think he was gonna do it whether we agreed or not?” Techno was very clearly making mental notes. “Interesting,” he said. Ranboo continued in his answer. “And relationship, well uh, it’s not a favor per se, it’s more like… we adopted him? Together. We adopted him together, like, as our son? And we’re married.”

“What?” Phil squawked. Techno just blinked at Ranboo, and chose his words carefully, trying to hide his shock. Actually, if it wasn’t so nerve-wracking, it would’ve been hilarious. “Well. I won’t say anything as to your choice in spouse, but this is definitely new information.” Phil, despite his ruffled feathers in both a physical and metaphorical sense, gathered himself and decided to push the other two to do the same. Quite literally-- he put a firm hand on Techno and Ranboo both and started urging them towards the portal. Ranboo let out a startled noise that was intermingled with a confused, small laugh. “Right, well, infection’s not gonna get better on its own, we can deal with this situation later. I will talk to you and Tubbo about this,” Phil nearly scolded, and Ranboo could only nod under Phil’s determination. Techno, of course, deferred his judgement to Phil.

#ranboo #philza #technoblade #dreamsmp #mcyt fanfic #they write #don't worry i'm only tagging the people who show up in the chapter!#posting it all at once hopefully that's okay #r #p #t #family bee

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yayeetsonny · 4 years

Text

Keeping Secrets~USWNT x Baby Reader

Prompt: Team finds out baby r has epilepsy.

Requested by: @khiaraaa-in-spacee

TW: Depictions of seizures and mentions of them.

Y/N PRO//

My name is Y/N L/N and I have epilepsy. Having epilepsy is hard because a lot of people assume that there is just the one kind, where a person suddenly falls to the ground and experiences uncontrollable muscle movement. While that is a common form that it can take there are several other types. Like mine, I experience Typical absence seizures, this means that when I am experiencing one I stop whatever it was I was doing and it can look like I’m frozen or zoning out, my eyelids flutter quite a bit and my ams jerk slightly sometimes too. When these happen I don’t realize it until it’s over. Most of the time I have several in a row so when everything is over I tend to be a little confused.

I try not to let it define my life. I’m also a member of the United States Women’s National soccer team. I’m the youngest player on the squad at 15 and the team is over protective to say the least. They tend to overdue it by a lot when we’re on the field, for example if I go down injured at all they swarm me, asking if I’m okay a million times and calling the medical staff over for the tiniest injuries.. Off the field is much the same, they wake me up at the same time every morning because

“Having a routine is important.”

Christen has told me this a thousand times, doesn’t mean I like being woken up at 5:30 am everyday, off days included. (That is unless I’m sick, then they make me hate naps) Once I’m up they make me get dressed and they carry me down to the dining hall where all the food is set up. When they first started doing this I protested being carried, citing that I was a big girl and I had two legs that worked perfectly fine but, after a look from Ali and Ashlyn I just let it happen. The veterans of the team also stormed the coaching staff’s office demanding that they find a way to make breakfast available for me (and them) when I wake up. They didn’t do this to be snobby or high maintenance they say its because

“If don’t eat right away in the morning, you get grouchy.”

I don’t, but they think I do so I just let them have it and eat by 6 everyday.

I haven’t told the team that I have epilepsy because I don’t want to scare them or freak them out. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it or anything it’s just that I don’t want them to feel like they have to worry about me even more than they already do.

“Hey Y/N! You in there?” Kelley asks appearing out of nowhere.

“What? Oh, sorry what’s up?”

“We just wanted to see if you wanted to go to the coffee shop around the corner with us.”

She pointed to nearly half the team, including all the vets who were looking at me with concern written all over their faces.

“I think I’ll stay here, thanks anyways.”

“Are you sure? You love that place.” Kelley said frowning.

She was right, I had never turned down going there, especially with her. I wasn’t going to tell her this but I had forgot to take my seizure medicine so I need to stay back to take it before I forgot.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay, well, we’ll bring you something back then.”

“Y/N?” Christen grabbed my hand before I could start walking to the elevators to go back to my room.

“Yeah Chris?”

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I just wanna make sure. You know, me and the other veterans wouldn’t mind staying with you. We could hang here and watch movies or play board games or if you want we could all lay down and nap together, I know how much you love the “Cuddle puddle” we create.”

“I’m okay, really. Go have fun with the others. I think I’m just gonna go read my book in my room.”

“Okay, see you later.”

She gave me a hug before leaving, I watched as she explained what we talked about to the other vets and I saw several of them turn back to look at me. I shrugged at them before turning on my heel and heading back to my room.

Once there, I took my medicine out of its hiding place, making sure to take the right dosage I then put it back and make sure it would stay hidden. I had to hide it because the girls always double check my bag before we leave any where we’ve stayed to make sure I have all my stuff. It’s nice sometimes but it also can get a little annoying.

There was a sudden knock at my door making me jump a little. Who could that be? The players who stayed behind were those that loved to nap and or they didn’t like coffee and almost all of them needed to have there alone time so getting a visitor is rare. After looking through the peephole I saw it was my roommate and best friend Morgan.

“Hey Moe! I thought you went with the others?” I said as I let her in.

“I did but I forgot my sunglasses. Have you seen them?”

“Um, I think you left them on the bathroom sink.”

“Oh that’s right! Okay, well got ‘em! See you later.”

“See you.”

After she left I was able to go back to reading my book, It was pretty peaceful and I had almost made it half way through when I stopped. The book fell out of my hands and onto the floor with a loud thud.

My eyelids fluttered and my fingers twitched and then just like that it was over. They only last 10-20 seconds, which isn’t long at all but for me it often feels like hours before I am aware of my surroundings again. Okay, there’s one. Am I going to have more?

My medicine has reduced them but it doesn’t stop them completely and some days it doesn’t work at all. I would go to a doctor to fix the prescription but since I can’t drive and the girls don’t know I just leave it be.

“Oh boy, today is gonna be a long day.” I say to no one but myself before I slowly stand up and go to the sink to splash water on my face.

We have practice in 45 minutes and I know the girls will want me to be ready a few minutes early. After I take my time changing into my gear and double checking that I do indeed look okay I make my way down to the lobby so that I can get on the bus before everyone else. I choose to sit all the way in the back and put my earbuds in so they know I don’t want to be bothered. But it seems Megan didn’t get the memo because she sits down right next to me and yanks the earbud out of my ear, putting it in her own.

“Hey kid, where you been? We brought back your favorite drink but you weren’t in your room.”

“I’ve been here.” I say shortly

“Okay?”

“Sorry I’m just tired.”

“You should’ve taken a nap before practice Y/N. What have we told you about that?”

“That I get grouchy without one, I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes! I’m sorry, okay? I forgot, I’ll take one when we get back.”

“I’ll be having a discussion with Carli, Chris, Alex, and the others about what we can do to help you remember.” She said leaving no room for argument.

Ugh, I hate when they have “Veteran meetings” about me. After they’ve decided something, they sit me down and all crowd around me so that if I get upset, they can comfort me. 98% of the time whatever they tell me isn’t a big deal, like a curfew. I can deal with that or even an early bedtime when I get sick or injured. But I draw the line on some things.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me Y/N.”

“Whatever.”

“Are we gonna have to talk about your attitude too?”

“No. Sorry.”

“Mhm, what I thought.”

We finally arrived at the training facility we were practicing at this camp before our up coming international friendlies, and I grabbed my stuff and ran off the bus so I wouldn’t have to deal with Megan giving me the look anymore.

“Y/N! Walk please!” I heard Alex shout from behind me but I ignored her.

Ali PRO//

“Okay is it just me or she acting weird?” I asked, concerned for our youngest teammate

“Mmm, she’s just in a mood.” Megan said

“Okay, but she knows how we feel about her running anywhere that’s not the field, she’s the clumsiest kid we know. Plus, she always listens to me.” Alex said

She made a good point, she listened to all of us 9 times out of 10, some more than others but still. We all just stood there, letting the young players off first while we continued discussing our kid’s weird behavior.

“Hey guys?”

“Yeah Ash?”

“What’s this?”

She held up a pill bottle that none of us had seen before. On it in big bold letters, was the name Y/N L/N and it was a medicine called Ethosuximide with the name (Zarontin) in parentheses. What the hell?

“What is that and why does she have it?” Christen asked angrily.

“I don’t know but I’m gonna find out right now.” Ashlyn said as she stomped off the bus.

“Ash, Ash hold on!”

I stood in front of her trying to get her to stop walking.

“Why?”

“I know you, you aren’t going to let her explain and you’ll jump to conclusions.”

“What’s there to explain Ali? None of us have ever seen her take pills before and we all know she doesn’t have any medical conditions. We made Vlatko give us her file remember?”

“Yes but you should still let her explain.”

Ashyln was growing more upset and I was having a hard time keeping her at bay. As we got closer to the locker room the players who were already on the field or heading out attention was drawn to our argument.

“Ash, cool it. Young ones in the vicinity.” Alex said referring to the “youngins” as Becky called them.

“I don’t care. I’m talking to her right now.”

There was nothing me, Alex or any of the other veterans could do to stop her from storming into the locker room.

“Y/N Y/M L/N!”

She came over to the front of the room quickly, startled and looking slightly terrified. She had yet to spot the pill bottle Ashyln was holding behind her back.

“Yeah Ash? What’s up?”

“ “What’s up?” she says. What’s up? That’s all you have to say?” Ashlyn had a bite to her tone that made me shiver. She can be mad intimidating when she wants to be.

“Yes?”

“What’s up Y/N, is this.”

As soon as she saw what she was holding all the color drained from Y/N’s face and I was afraid she might faint.

“Y/N… Sweetie, you’re okay. We’re just a little worried about you.” Chris said stepping forward and blocking her view of Ashlyn’s “Mean face”

She tried to reach for Y/N but she turned away from her and made a move to leave.

“Uh you know, I really should get out on the field with the others. See you guys out there!”

Alex grabbed her around the waist and held her in her arms tightly so she couldn’t go anywhere. She tried to get her to let go but gave up when she realized Alex was too strong.

“Shhh, deep breaths. You’re okay. It’s just us. It’s okay.” Alex cooed softly in her ear.

I could tell that she was scared and was trying not to let her walls down.

“It-it’s not anything bad I swear!”

“Really, then what is it?”

“It’s just… can we just talk about it later? Please.”

“No, what is this and why do you have it?”

“I- Please just let me go practice.”

“Y/N…”

“I have epilepsy, okay?! There, can I go practice please?”

She freed herself from Alex and ran out onto the field. We all chased after her and Christen tried to catch her but she was saved by the whistle.

“Ladies! Let’s go, stop messing around and get to work!” Dawn yelled, we knew it was directed at us.

After that we had no choice but to let it go and practice. We did the usual, stretching and warm up and then position group training, individual for some and scrimmages to end the session. Were half way through a scrimmage whenI noticed Y/N stop moving. It was like she was frozen, she wasn’t moving except for her arms that were jerking slightly and I could see her eyelids fluttering. She must be having a seizure. I thought. I rushed over to her stopping practice and tried everything to get her to snap out of it. Many of our teammates also tried to no avail and everyone was gathered around her unsure of what to do.

“Okay let’s give her some space.” Ashlyn said

I stayed close in case I had to prevent her from falling and hitting her head or needed to do anything else to help her.

She continued to seize, each one only lasted 10 seconds but she had 5 in a row and when those had stopped she only came to for a few seconds before she started to experience a second wave. In total she was unresponsive for almost a minute and half straight. Christen had put her arms on her shoulders, trying to let her know she was there.

“Y/N, it’s okay. We’re here. You’re okay.”

“What do we do?”

“We just have to let her know we’re here.”

“What’s going on? Is she okay?”

Several of the younger players looked scared and unsure of what to do, so Tobin and Megan took them away from where Y/N was and tried to reassure them she was gonna be okay.

Y/N PRO//

Everything finally started to come back into focus and at this point I had been moved to the ground and I was sitting in Chris’s lap as she held me. When I was fully out of the state I had been in I started to try to push her away, I was disoriented and confused and I didn’t remember what I was doing here.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. Y/N you’re safe, it’s okay.” Becky said as I settled down and the rest of the team begin trying to help me.

Chris held me the whole time, cooing in my ear and trying to keep me calm. Everything was super loud and my mind and body had gone into sensory overload trying to come back to practice. When I realized what happened and I was able, I pushed my way out of Christen’s arms, and ran back to the locker room. After that I ignored everyone and their questions about what was going on. I was the first back on the bus and had planned to continue ignoring everyone. The Vets of the team had other ideas however and put an end to it quickly.

“You feeling better little one?”

“Yeah Al, I am.”

“That was really scary.”

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about babe. But can I ask you something?” Ali said

“Sure, shoot.”

“Did you take your medicine today?”

“Yeah, I did it just doesn’t work well.” I said timidly

“What do you mean?”

“It’s the right dosage, it just doesn’t work well enough most of the time.”

“Why didn’t you get it adjusted?”

“I didn’t want anyone to find out about it.”

“That’s dangerous, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I know you were scared. We’ll take you to get it adjusted as soon as possible.”

“Thank you.”

When we got back to the hotel I dropped off my stuff and decided to go for a walk. I needed to think about some things, and I knew the girls wanted to have a more in depth talk about what happened but I wasn’t ready. Eventually though I made my way back to the room and when I opened the door my roommate was there to greet me.

“Hey babe! You came back to me!’ Moe said dramatically as I entered our room.

“I’ll always come back to you, baby.” I said jokingly

“You better. My life is so boring without you!”

“I am the life of the party I’ve been told.”

“Ha ha, If anyone is the life of the party its Crystal. Girl can dance.”

“Definitely.”

“Have you talked to the others since we got back?”

“Uhh... no. I’m sorta avoiding them.” I said rubbing the back of my neck.

“You know that they’ll want to talk to you about it eventually right? I’m sure they’re worried about you.”

I was unsure of what to do because I didn’t really want to talk to them about it but I knew I had to. After another hour of avoiding it, I got up and made my way to Alex’s room. I knocked on the door timidly and waited for it to open.

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just was wondering if I could talk to you all?” I said as I saw almost all the older players in her room.

“Of course.”

We got to talking about what happened and I told them about the condition I had and when it first appeared and all the while Alex held me in her lap, cooing in my ear when I would start to get emotional and the others sat around us doing there best to let me know they were there.

“Why didn’t you just tell us?” Ashlyn asked

“I was just afraid.”

“You don’t ever have to be afraid to tell us these things. I’m sorry you felt the need to hide it from us.” JJ said.

“I know today was scary for everyone. I think I should tell the whole team everything soon.”

“Are you sure? You shouldn’t feel like you have to, if you’re not ready that’s okay too.”

“I am, it’s okay. Will you guys be there?”

“Of course, always.”

“I love you guys.”

“We love you too.”

I knew that some of them were still a little hurt that I hadn’t told them sooner or they felt bad because they weren’t able to protect me but I knew we would be okay.

we agreed to be more honest with each other going forward and When it came time for me to tell the entire team the older players were there to support me and help me explain everything. They were all super supportive and assured me that they didn’t see me any differently.

After our heart to heart we decided to do some much needed team bonding.

Rose showed me a Tick tok of a bulldog trying to reach a cake that was just out of its reach and failing (or succeeding) spectacularly as it splattered in the floor.

“Wilma would totally do this!” I said laughing at the thought of Rose’s dog doing something similar.

“She totally would but I would give her a hand.” Rose giggled.

Kelley succeeded in putting a cup on her head with only her feet and I was in awe of her flexibility. I attempted to do the same but I failed miserably and pouted as everyone laughed at me.

“Good try kid. You’ll get it eventually.” Kel said.

We ended up playing cup pong (the clean version), Jenga, Sorry, Truth or Dare, and twister. We also tried playing hide and seek through out the hotel but we got in trouble with the managerial staff and almost got the whole team kicked out. Let’s just say that Vlatko was not too pleased…

Sam, Rose, Sonnett, Lindsey and Mal choreographed a new dance and performed it for everyone. We all watched for over an hour as these knuckleheads tried to get it all down perfectly.

“Oh my god you guys, try again tomorrow when you actually know the dance.” Tobin said exasperated

“No, no we can do this. Right guys?”

“Yes we can.”

“Oh, definitely.”

“Just give us a minute.”

“We got this.”

We watched on as they tried and failed to prove that they had it, but we all gave them an A+ for effort anyways.

“We would have gotten it, if you guys had just been patient enough.” Sam grumbled.

“We watched for over an hour, you know this team, they can’t sit still forever.” I giggled.

“I guess you’ve got a point.” Sam chuckled.

“Hey! We’re not that bad at sitting still.” Kelley protested.

“Uh, yeah Kel. We are.”

The whole team giggled at that and agreed that together asking us to sit still for long periods was useless.

After that we made pies and cupcakes and they were actually really good, but things took a turn when I decided to smash Ali’s face in a pie. She then chased me down the hall trying to get me back.

“Y/N, get back here!”

“Becky! Save me!”

“No way kid. Not trying to get punched.” She said before she closed her door.

“Traitor!” I yelled as I continued to run from a pissed off Ali Krieger.

She eventually caught up to me and attacked me with kisses and tickles. I ended up covered head to toe in pie filling after she got hers all over me and then found another one and got revenge.

“Aw man, you got me.” I said as I giggled wildly as she tickled me some more.

“This whole team loves you so much. You know that right?” Alex would later tell me that night as we all snuggled on the two beds in the room I shared with Morgan.

“Yeah, I know. I love you guys too.”

They drive me nuts with the constant hovering and weird, silly rules they make me follow but I am so grateful to have them in my life and to have such an amazing group of friends who love and support me no matter what. Me and my 23 best friends are family for life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

THE END

If I got anything wrong, I’m so sorry. I did the best research that I could. Sorry for any mistakes.

-N

#uswnt #uswnt imagines #uswnt imagine #uswnt x reader #alex morgan #ashlyn harris #ali krieger #becky sauerbrunn #christen press #morgan brian #crystal dunn #megan rapinoe #tobin heath #kelley o'hara #sam mewis #mal pugh #rose lavelle #lindsey horan #emily sonnett

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hecohansen31 · 4 years

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Maybe In The Next Lifetime:

Reincarnated! Ivar The Boneless+Reincarnated! Reader (Modern AU)

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

I have been finally able to pubblish @peaceisadirtyword‘s fic for the Ko-Fi she has been so kind to offer to me, something that has been helping me greatly in supporting me!

So, again thank you for choosing to support my writing and I hope you’ll like this, although it isn’t the most amazing piece, but I have always been very very curious about the reincarnation concept!

As always: don’t forget to give feedback in form of comments and reblogs, because it helps us a lot.

It makes our heart beat stronger and our fingers write faster!

Have a nice reading!

SUMMARY: It isn't a coincidence anymore, when Ivar keeps on seeing your face everywhere and nowhere.

Telling you the story of something that has passed and is going to rehappen int he past.

Maybe Fate might have given him another chance.

And does this mean that he'll be able to catch it, before it is too late?

WORDS: 4 K

WARNINGS: Reincarnation Cycle, Menton of Violence and Blood, Inaccurate Portrayal of Iceland.

Ivar didn’t believe in all the reincarnation cycle shit.

He barely believed in his own gods and his mother.

But then you had happened in his life.

Nothing more than a maid in the hotel he was staying in on his trip to Iceland.

A tourist exactly like him.

It would have been difficult not to notice that accent and its heaviness in your tongue and it had been the first thing that he had seen as you talked outside of the hotel with some fellow maids, probably on a smoke break, since he saw a cigarette being passed around as you mumbled tightly something in your native tongue.

The syllables rolling on your tongue strongly and thickly and for a moment he had caught himself in staring at you.

And you had turned to him, probably not even noticing him in the crowd of tourists coming back from their usual hiking trip, a bare smirk on your lips.

And his mind had broken apart.

He had seen you in the same spot, but in different clothes no maid uniform but a rough fabric dress that certainly didn’t help your elegant figure, as you laughed loudly with other girls, all dressed in the same dreadful rags.

But your beauty shone even through that.

And you turned, smiling uneasily at him, almost as if you weren’t sure whether he’d return it or not.

And he found himself returning it.

And then he bumped into a fellow tourist, ruining his fantasy, as he noticed that you had probably finished your small break, returning inside, rapidly because the spot where you had stood was painfully empty.

He had thought it was just his dehydrated brain, coming back from a hard trekking session, imagining you the way it had happened.

But then it had started happening again.

He saw you at the lunch buffet, although you mostly worked in suites, but probably you had been asked to help out, walking in with plates and tissues, again in that horrendous maid uniform.

But this time he noticed you because a rather enormous man bumped into you, making you lose your balance and although you were able to grab the plates, steadying them, you bumped back in the man.

Who looked unhappy for that gesture.

Although he had been the one starting it.

And suddenly the scene changed and you were splashed with what looked like ale and smelled like it, a beautiful flowery crown on your head, lightly disheveled due to the hit you had received, a man looking at you, as ale also drenched him, probably from the tray you had been holding.

The man started screaming, and you endured it, but fear appeared in his eyes as his hand grabbed your wrist, and again your eyes met Ivar’s dangerously pleading and before he, himself, even knew it, he was up.

And he came to the enormous man, shifting from what looked like a warrior to an annoyed tourist and his sole presence was enough to shoo him away, as you were backed up by a friend of yours, probably having witnessed the scene.

She steadied you, getting the plates from you, and she muttered she’d cover you, also her face shifting against a more modern version of herself and an older one, with a matching flowery crown.

But you stayed in the past, your dress drenched and your hair disheveled, looking like a princess with your grateful smile as you muttered a ‘thank you’, some trace of warmth on the words, and Ivar was left paralyzed on there.

Hvitserk ushered him back, as slowly the world became of the bright minimalist style the hotel had chosen for its details, and ditched the darkness of a great hall, only lighted up by torches and fires, but he couldn’t push it out of his mind.

He couldn’t push you out of his mind.

Because, as if the daily hallucinations weren’t enough, you tormented his sleep.

You’d appear in your old-fashioned clothes and your sweet smile and you’d meet under a starry sky, as you brushed his hair back and told him things that didn’t seem to have any sense for him.

‘… we shouldn’t be doing this’ you whispered in his ear, as you pushed yourself away, playfully, as he brought you back in his lap with a steady hand, as his eyes shot in your beautiful ones.

Something didn’t change also in dreams.

‘Then why are you here?’ he heard himself ask, as his lips moved on their own, almost as if they had their own script ‘… why are you here, little thrall?’.

Although he understood every word, he couldn’t deny that he knew they weren’t talking in his native tongue, although it looked a distant relative of it.

Almost as an ancient ancestor.

One that spoke of magic and prophecy.

‘… don’t call me “little thrall” ‘the way you said it, made you hiss your breath through his teeth, although you didn’t look as threateningly as he roared under you, pushing himself on top of you, meanwhile he lightly pushed down your dress in his movement ‘… haven’t you promised me to be “your queen” ‘.

He didn’t feel solely your voice, but also his uneasiness at your wicked humor, that hit him somewhere deep.

Somewhere not everybody could reach.

And you noticed it.

‘… you know that I don’t mean anything bad with it’ he replied softly ‘… I just play around, Ivar’.

‘Will you play around with my heart too?’ he said with a sneer as he brought himself away from you, although all his body ached for you again, as he brought you closer to him again ‘… will you be a ruthless queen?’.

‘I’ll be your ruthless lover if you allow me’.

He had then woken up, with the thought of coldness coating his body, although the air in the room was hot and he had blankets all over him.

His hands reached out for you, but found nothing but emptiness.

And he realized that he was slowly going mad.

It didn’t help in the slightest that you were always somehow around him, something that he dreaded, trying to spend as little time in the hotel as he could, even thinking about taking the offer of staying with Floki, who had moved to Iceland since Helga’s death.

He knew the old man wouldn’t have hated him, but he also understood that Floki needed his space.

To distance himself from the painful memories.

He had visited him that one morning after the dreams had become too much for him and he had been barely able to look at you, when you served him his coffee, unable to properly forget the way your body had felt against his.

And the way you looked without clothes.

‘He’ll think that you hate her’ had commented Hvitserk, as the girl skittered off, with Ivar not even thanking you for the service.

‘Good’.

Because he preferred hate to uncertainty.

Mostly when the dreams showed him so much intensity that made him uneasy.

Working with Floki on small projects, starting from his latest boat, did help him get his mind off, but strangely his mouth had voiced a question to the old man, a pagan like him and quite more convinced in signs.

And he didn’t even seem fazed when Ivar told him about the girl of his dreams and hallucinations.

‘… maybe I just got wrong the dosage of the pain medicine’ he had muttered, meanwhile Floki’s face assumed a strange twinkle ‘… but it just… it haunts me in a way that is uncomfortable’.

“Maybe she is your soulmate from a past life” muttered Floki “… or maybe lady Freya, herself, is tempting you…”.

“I don’t know which one is cringier…” replied tightly Ivar, although he had been thinking some pretty similar option, even more since it seemed too much of a coincidence “… old man, you should get your head away from your fables”.

“… then why did you ask me for a suggestion?” shot back annoyedly Floki, although he had a soft smirk on his bearded face “… you know that this isn’t normal Ivar, you just need to believe”.

“I don’t know about you, knock-legged fool, but I find it hard to believe that a girl might be interested in me”.

“On that I agree” Floki replied softly, a reprimand and a laugh in his voice, as Ivar shot him the sponge with which they were cleaning his boat “… but there might be some freaks out there”.

He had come back from Floki’s house a bit more of good humor in his walk, but at the same time he couldn’t help but overthink about whether he was maybe just overthinking this all.

Or maybe if he had a reason to overthink everything.

And maybe he did, since he bumped into you, on the way back home.

You looked quite different in ‘civilian clothes’ probably having just finished a turn at the hotel, and on your way to some party, seeing the jeans miniskirt you were wearing and the glittery top, enhancing your perfect curve, although he had seen you in satin and silk in his dreams.

And you always looked beautiful.

He moved to let you pass, having blocked the exit of the hotel, as he slumped to his side, hoping you wouldn’t notice it, as he kept up on his rude persona.

He might have been considering that you were his soulmate, but this didn’t mean he wanted anything to do with you.

Or better… that you wanted to do anything with him.

But strangely you did.

A light of recognition shone in your eyes and for a moment he thought that maybe you had also been plagued by weird dreams, but then a soft blush, familiar to him, because it always shone under the stars they met in their dreams, appeared in your cheeks.

“Hey, I just… Gosh this is awkward…” even your voice seemed the same, modernized by your lack of knowledge of islandic “… I wanted to thank you for sticking up for me, a few days ago”.

“… you are welcome” he replied in a tight English, something that made her breathe out in relief, again that beautiful smile on your lips, and it shifted slowly from the focus of artificial lights to the one of torches.

“… I just… I just didn’t want to seem rude, but I wanted to make sure that you knew that I truly appreciated it, not many would have done it” you then moved to English, which you handled better, as his eyes stuck onto your eyes, a beautiful color shining in them.

And if they said that eyes were the mirrors of your soul, he saw himself reflected in them.

But it wasn’t him in his lazy pants and Norwegian metal band t-shirt, but it was him in original Viking clothes, staring at you with a harsh smile, hidden behind a good dose of annoyance.

But he knew that he was for sure enjoying whatever you were blabbering about.

You gave him your name, although he had caught it in the tag of your uniform, but he felt well properly introducing to you, a bit less ‘the stalker next door’.

“… I wanted to tell you this morning, but… you seemed a bit… away” you spoke to him, almost at ease although your words raced away from your mouth.

And although he had pushed you away all this time, he didn’t have the heart to tell you that he had tried to avoid you.

He might be a monstrous boy, doing monstrous things.

But he felt like when it came to you, past and present, he couldn’t just be cruel.

“… it was the coffee” he commented, searching the most trivial of excuses “… it fucking sucks”.

You erupted in a laughter after he uttered those words and again you had that crown of sunflowers in your head, a beautiful pair of bloody rubies earrings catching the light as your breath smelled of ale, something hazy and lazy in you

“I can’t say anything about that” you muttered, before leaning conspiratorially in, and Ivar couldn’t help but feel your smell, probably to be fresh and clean at the party, not definitely for him, but something reeked from the angles of his memory.

Spices and fresh flowers.

“… that isn’t coffee… it is dirty water” you commented, showing him your perfect teeth, as he shook his head, unable to withhold a laughter “… but I know a place where it is decent…”.

Was that invite?

Suddenly his mind shifted away, another sneaky proposal, another cheerful smile.

He had been crying over his mother’s death and you had come to him, softly and attentive, careful in your movements almost as if you were approaching a wounded animal.

‘I know a place where you could be alone’.

‘I wouldn’t be alone with you, stupid thrall’.

‘… don’t worry, my king, I’ll leave you alone, I have no intention to stay near somebody who is…’.

He had turned to you, willing to hurt you, just to ease his own hurt, but then he had been taken back by the determination in your face, something wickedly smart shining in your teary eyes.

You were also mourning.

‘… atrociously rude’.

“… so, I could offer you a coffee to thank you more properly…”.

You were tentative, almost as if after gaining the courage of approaching him, you had grown shy, but you were stubborn and wouldn’t have backed down.

He knew it.

Deep in his bones.

And who was he to oppose Fate?

And who was Hvitserk not to meddle in his brother’s love problems?

“Yeah of course, Ivar will join you!” he commented coming from behind with that knowing smirk of his, the one that got easily on Ivar’s nerves and although you seemed a bit shocked, you simply nodded, exchanging mechanically your number with Ivar, something for which he was grateful because the modern thing made him focused on the present.

‘… I can pick you up at the end of my lunch turn, so that I can lead you to the bar, if you won’t think that it is creepy’ you had explained with one last smile.

‘You don’t seem like the ordinary psycho” shot back Ivar, gaining a little giggle from you ‘… and I mean… my brother would come searching from me… I hope’.

Hvitserk didn’t look too convinced, but he nodded, and you speeded off, your phone coming to life, probably some friends asking you why were you late and you excused yourself, meanwhile you pushed between the two brothers, turning one last time to Ivar.

A silly smirk on your lips, as you lightly bit them.

And your past-self looked at him and before he could even blink, you were gone, enough to make him think this was all a dream.

Till Hvitserk sent him a light look and a confused one, eventually settling up for a brotherly hug.

‘… can’t believe that my brother, the rude one, got a date with a pretty girl!’.

‘… it is just coffee’ it would have just you hoping to seem nice to him, because you felt like you owed him ‘… it isn’t anything too much’.

But for a moment he had thought to see a light of understanding in your eyes, as they met his.

But he didn’t want to be mistaken.

He certainly wouldn’t have asked you:

‘Did we meet in a past life?’.

… if you hadn’t already thought, he was a creeper, you’d have thought it for sure if he acted like that.

And yet what he dreamed that night shook him to the very core: for now he had dreamt sweet moments, hot moments and some quite angsty ones, his own personality flaring up and contrasting with your gentle but stubborn one.

But that night… that night ripped his heart apart.

You laid naked, exposing the wound in the middle of your chest.

He had witnessed many death, or at least in the version of his dream he had, since he was somehow an old soul, but yours shook him to his very core, as he ran up to him, although his braces weighted him down extremely, making him trip and fall right on top of you.

And as he raised his head, he was right in front of your face.

You looked terrified.

Death hadn’t caught you prepared.

Death had taken you away from him too early.

And this couldn’t be true.

He had screamed for you, grabbed your head and put it onto his lap, he had tried any way to usher you closer, to bring you home to him again, as he begged Hel not to take you, eventually understanding that whoever had taken you, had taken you meanwhile you were surprised.

And you hadn’t been able to fight back.

And he knew deep down it was his fault.

Deep down his arrogance had made him pay dearly for the crown of thorns on his head.

And you were the price of it.

You, who should have had a matching crown of flowers and a dress of pure golden as you looked out to him and smiled, keeping your promise to be his ruthless lover.

His ruthless queen.

He had cursed the gods.

And promised you that he’d have found you again.

In another life, maybe.

And when he woke up, he finally realized what was happening.

The gods had heard his curses, and they were coming for him in a dreadful way.

He wondered if you knew.

If he had been the only one ‘blessed’ with that memory, although he almost wanted you to be spared from the pain of seeing your own death.

He hadn’t seen you enough to have noticed if you also knew him as well, and again… asking would have made him seem quite crazy, but right now he couldn’t help but feel like there was such a longing in him.

Almost as a possessive wounded animal.

But again… he didn’t want to be a stalker.

He almost wanted not to show up, but he thought that it would have made his staying just awkward and since he had to stay for one more weak.

But at the same time, as he finally seemed to understand what was going on… he didn’t know if he wanted to get further in this or if… he should have just let it go.

He didn’t know which one pained him more.

Although he barely knew you.

Gosh, this entire thing was crazy.

In the end, he decided to go to the ‘date’, but he would have tried his best to keep the entire ‘having vision’ back, alongside the fact that he was quite sure that his ‘charming’ personality wouldn’t have won another date.

But you strangely seemed eager to meet him again, as he met you at the service exit, seeing you in comfortable black shorts, and a small white sleeveless shirt, elegant enough to show that you had put an effort, but casual enough to seem comfortable.

And that damn smell of fresh flowers and spices followed you like a trace.

The trip to the small coffee shop he hadn’t noticed, although Iceland was a second home to him, was filled with you talking, something that he allowed happily, mostly because although he knew flashes of his past and how the stories had started and how it had ended…

… he didn’t know who you were, truly.

But he discovered it quickly.

You were a student of journalism and that year you had decided to work abroad in Iceland, your dream place, although you couldn’t deny that the language was pretty difficult, gaining quite the laugh from Ivar as you mistook in Icelandic ‘cherry’ with ‘donkey’.

‘It’ll get better…’ he had commented before sending you a lightly humorous look ‘… maybe… I mean… Hvitserk learned it so… everybody can do it’.

You had seemed shocked to discover that he had four brothers, one of which was a step-brother from a previous relationship of his father, something that had made him understand that you hadn’t been blessed with visions of your past life together.

‘… yeah we are kind of “The Sound Of Music” but you have to replace the music with stabbing and trying to punch each other when we are all in the same room together’ he had commented, proud of the laugh you had given him for that silly humor.

‘Sisters are worse’ and for a moment your voice was old and young at the same time, and the memory of smaller version of you gossiping with you in barely lighted room made him aware that you had had one sister ‘… they steal your clothes and pull on your hair’.

‘I am not proud of it but… we might have had a pulling hair contest, not too long ago’ he mumbled, trying to shift the attention away from that thought of the past.

He was in the present.

And although he had been given some kind of other opportunity with you…

… it didn’t mean that it would have worked out, also this time.

Gods had the strangest way to work.

He had born with his legs broken, but they had given him a functioning brain, which was much more than abled people had and yet… he was missing on so many things…

‘… you have pretty long hair, I can see that happening’ you teased him.

An immediate and intense comfortableness between you two, heightened by the small coffee place, definitely not crowded with a local aesthectic but a mixture of different locations inside of it, with all the pictures at the walls, lined by postcards.

‘… whenever I feel homesick, I come here’ you had commented, as you settled down by what you called ‘the nicest table’, since it stood right next to the window, giving a view of the small city ‘… and sometimes I like spying from here’.

“Wouldn’t have pegged you for a spy?” but he knew all too well that you had been one for him, a long time ago.

And it had gotten you killed.

“… just an observer” you commented with a small smirk “… I swear I am not a stalker”.

“I’ll believe you on your word” he shot back, with a wicked smile that made it almost seem as if they understood each other “… and I hope the coffee is good”.

“Don’t worry, I assure you it is the best” the air changed to a less heavy one, for which he was thankful, but your eyes shifted hiding under the men, moving away from you and for a moment he was disappointed.

He thought you were hiding yourself.

And the conversation subsided becoming more chatter.

Soft and sweet chatter, almost as if they had always known each other.

“… are you thinking of celebrating Midsomar, here?” you had asked him, after he had told you that he had been coming to Iceland since he was a child and he worshipped the ways of the old gods, leaving you quite impressed, as you explained your fascination for the Nordic style of life “… the girls… my other friends at my hotel want to go to some party… but…”.

“… but you want the whole experience” finished Ivar, as if the words had always been there for him to say “… flower crown, comprehended”.

“Don’t tell me that you won’t wear it?” you teased him back with an easiness that made him smirk lightly.

“… maybe”.

A blush appeared on your cheeks at his devilish tone.

Then a shade of seriousness passed in your ancient eyes.

“… we might think about passing Midsomar together, if you have an idea on how to spend it that is better than holding back your drunken friend puking in the first bush they find” you suggested, innocence appearing in your eyes as you suddenly almost seemed to hear for the first time the words you had spoken, before mumbling hurriedly “… I mean… it might seem crazy… Gosh we have just known each other”.

“… I don’t mind it” his words were suddenly in that old and the accent of the old language of reeked them, as you met his eyes again “… we should pass Midsomar together”.

Your whole face lighted up as you raised your face to meet his eyes.

“I know this might seem crazy…” your voice seemed almost a prophecy “… but it seems like I have known you all my life”.

---

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stonertransdad · 3 years

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Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

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ardent-musings · 3 years

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The Girl Who Vanished (Part 1)

Chapter 25: Learning to Lose

“Professor?” Ana started as she sat by and watched the potions master work on her Dreamless Sleep Potion. She had been sitting in on his potion making, trying to understand the method and skill needed to brew the mixture.

Of course that meant spending more time in the cold dungeons which caused her to shake, regretting how terrible her clothes were at keeping her warm. If she was surrounded by her friends that would take the edge out of her boredom, but Professor Snape was not going to allow a whole swarm of students to spend even more time with him.

Without paying her much attention, the man grumbled in response. His eyes were sunken in and tinted a deep violet. With all the chaos that happened during Halloween, Ana could only imagine how tired the man was. It was also probably incredibly exhausting making fun of Harry Potter and all the boy’s friends on the daily. She never understood why he did it and found it strange just how involved the grown man was with the house rivalries.

“Could I possibly start brewing my own potion?” She asked as he crushed a few beans and drained the liquid into his deep charcoal cauldron. He was incredibly focused when doing anything regarding potions, almost to the point of refusing to blink or breath.

“There is no need for that, Ms. Malfoy. The shelf life for this potion can last months,” he groaned with furrowed brows as he pointed to the bubbling liquid in front of him. “Your batch from the summer lasted you up until now and it would be foolish of you to waste ingredients just to brew beside me.”

“I didn’t mean right at this moment, Professor Snape,” she corrected as he turned to collect more ingredients. “I was talking about the next batch of Dreamless Sleep Potion. Or perhaps my medicine so Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t have to do that for me anymore.”

At the mention of her medicine, he stopped in his tracks to redirect all of his attention onto the young girl, “And why would you want to tamper with that by brewing it yourself?”

Snape’s eyes squinted in disapproval, the act making Ana uneasy. The man hadn’t ever displayed this much annoyance at the young girl, the shift made her suspicious of his sudden defensiveness. She wasn’t scared of it, just curious as to why the grown man looked at her like she was a monster.

“The only reason I ask is because with all the unpredictable things that seem to be happening all the time, I’d like to have my potion ready when I need it, instead of having to wait for it. I fear missing my potion if I don’t get to it on time,” she explained firmly.

“You’ve never missed a dosage have you?” He quickly sputtered as he swung around to face hear head on. A small ball formed in her throat at the confrontational man before her.

Ana shook her head; even if she had to run to her potion from the common room, she wouldn’t ever miss taking it. That was the one thing she had always been told to remember. At the sound of her answer, Snape relaxed his tensed face and went back to collecting ingredients.

“If you think I would allow you to brew your own medicine, than you are not the bright witch that I had assumed you to be.”

“Well is there a chance I could eventually brew it myself?”

“No, Ana you cannot.”

“Well why n-“

“Because I said so!”

The man was full out yelling at her, his nose was flared like the troll from Halloween night and it made her feel cold and infuriated. Unlike the troll, she wasn’t scared of Snape. His little charade of being mean and intimidating was poorly acted out, like Draco when the boy tried lying to her. Despite his shouting, Ana sat up straight, nodded once at the man’s snarl and offered him an icy glare in return.

“Then why am I here, Professor?” she criticized bitterly. “I don’t sit here and watch you drop herbs into a pot because I have absolutely nothing to do. I’m here because I want to learn.”

Snape stared at her with no emotion, his grip on the cauldron tightening. Ana knew it was going to take more to get a reaction from him. He was stubborn beyond belief but she was patient and determined.

“I’m here because I find potion making interesting. I’m here because I grew up watching my mother make potions and tonics for me and I am here because last year you said that I seemed like a promising student. Why won’t you give me the chance to prove it?”

Any bit of air that existed within the potion’s classroom seemed harder to inhale; she said all she had to. It was up to Snape to either turn her down and order her out of the room or surprise her by doing the opposite. By the stern look on the man’s face she assumed she would be marching back to her common room in a few minutes.

Without saying another word, Professor Snape abandoned the girl at the table and went back into his office. She found it comical how he refused to acknowledge her and felt the need to run from a twelve year old girl. Ana rolled her eyes and stood up from her stool in aggravation when Snape returned looking cold. He peered down at her for a moment and then presented her with a small bit of parchment. She unrolled it to see in a neat script detailing the directions for brewing the Dreamless Sleep Potion.

“This particular potion is bothersome even for the most seasoned masters to brew,” he warned as she began reading the seemingly never ending ingredient list and method required for it, “If you truly want to prove yourself than you will come back to me with a fully perfected potion.”

Ana knew that this was going to be a challenge but she desperately wanted to prove the arrogant man wrong, but at least she got her hands on what she wanted.

He was no longer looking at her like she was just another student that he despised, he was looking at her like he too hoped she could make this work. Snape nodded at the young girl in approval and she mirrored his movement back to him; they were on the same page. They both hoped she could pull this off.

~ “Go, go, Gryffindor! Go, go, Gryffindor!”

If Ana wasn’t nervous beforehand she was now; the gleeful cheers for her opposing team only reminded her of how the Slytherin versus Gryffindor game was for the whole school. Her very first game as the new Slytherin chaser weighed heavily on the girl, the pressure of her new title seemed overwhelming.

From behind the Slytherin drapes, Ana stood beside Marcus Flint which made her blood boil, but right now she had to focus on the game. He looked as dreadful as ever, his face scrunched in a sneer, but she had to stifle a laugh once she saw a tiny mushroom sprouting from behind his ear.

“Hey, blondie,” Lucian whispered from behind her and without looking Ana knew that he was probably giving her the most kind smile, “You’re going to do just fine. Don’t worry.”

She found it pointless for him to tell her not to worry, there was lots to worry about. And yet she couldn’t help but feel comforted by the sweet reminder. No matter how many summers she spent speeding around on her broom with Draco or how well she did during her tryout, Ana’s mind was preoccupied on the fact that Gryffindor’s team had Harry Potter as their newest member. Maybe that meant less people would be staring at her, which at this point was what Ana wanted.

The curtains that stood between her and the Quidditch Pitch opened wide and she mounted her Nimbus 2000 before finally taking off. Screams of excitement and pride filled her ears and made them ring with just how loud everything was. From her position she could see Draco with his bumbling friends not too far away from Alex, Calista and Aeron who were hollering and waving at her wildly.

Madam Hooch was going over the rules of the game while she finally focused on the two Gryffindor beaters who waved the short bats at her mockingly. She wasn’t going to let them know just how anxious she was so she raised her brows at them playfully and smirked with faux confidence.

Ana didn’t get the chance to stare at the twins long before a whistle sounded from below her and the Quaffle was released. Before she could register what was happening, her body dipped down automatically as she swiped the ball from the air. The cool wind pierced against her skin as she zipped towards the Gryffindor hoops. Flint appeared next to her so she passed it off to him to make the goal. After launching the Quaffle, Oliver Wood blocked it far too easily which made her wonder if she should’ve just went for the goal herself.

Once she got into the rhythm of the game, she found that her nerves disappeared completely; not only did she score a few goals of her own, but Lucian and Derrick were blasting any bludger that the twins sent her way. She had to give the boys credit, when they said they weren’t going to go easy on her, they weren’t joking. More often than not, Ana was dodging the iron boogers, thankfully it allowed the other chasers to score.

Of course Marcus Flint couldn’t play a clean game as he grabbed Lucian’s bat and whirled a bludger into an unsuspecting Oliver Wood who took the hit straight to the gut. It hurt Ana to see the boy free fall, but at this point, there was nothing she could do.

“Bibiana Malfloy races towards the pitch! With Wood out cold this is going to be an easy goal,” Lee yelled over the intercom as she broke away from Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell who were trying their best to steal the ball from her. It had been a while since Ana had been so close to Angelina, but at the moment, they were opponents. “She’s about to score again!”

Ana launched the ball towards the hoops, whirling into the unguarded goal.

“That’s another ten points for Slytherin!”

The announcement made the girl smile widely, enjoying how she was able to contribute to their current lead. As a chaser, there was no time to stay still or observe her surroundings; she had to move on instinct and speed. However, she couldn’t help but notice when out of nowhere, Harry was flailing around on his broom as if it was being yanked by something. Besides his movements, a burning feeling on the side of her neck took her out of the game mentally and in that moment all she could focus on was the crunch of the bludger against her hand as it came into contact with her. The pain was immediate and intense, it took all of her balance just to keep her upright within the air.

“Malfoy took a hit by George Weasley! That’s go- Wait! What is going on with Harry Potter’s broom?”

The injury wasn’t enough to take her out of the game, but there was no way she could hold her broom and the Quaffle at the same time. Without a hand to score with, Ana made sure her body would get in the way of the Gryffindor chasers, although Harry was doing the same as his body jutted harshly across the field. Murmurs of worry erupted around the stadium as the boy who lived was tossed around by some invisible force, but Ana dodged him and the bludgers that kept coming her way.

With every twist on her broom, her hand stung with jolts of pain, each one more painful than the last. She would definitely have to give George the biggest guilt trip of his life once the game was all over. The thought of making the boy apologize to her was the only thing getting her through the agony that was situated in her hand.

As Ana focused on her injury and the Gryffindor chasers, she hadn’t noticed that Harry had regained control of his broom. Across the pitch, Higgs and Harry were neck in neck as they raced for the golden snitch. She was oblivious to the two boys who dove towards the ground at high speeds in pursuit of the ball which was soon to be caught.

“Harry Potter has caught the snitch! Gryffindor wins!” Lee cheered animatedly which caused the rest of the pitch to scream happily, except for the Slytherins who groaned at the loss.

Ana was disappointed in the loss but as soon as her feet touched the ground below, all she could focus on was the growing pain in her wrist and the suspicious burn on her neck. The team was supposed to return to the changing rooms to go over the game, but instead Flint was yelling angrily at the outcome. He was so blinded by his fury that he didn’t even notice that Ana was hurt, or maybe he just didn’t care. Before Flint could do more damage, Lucian ushered her out of the room and accompanied her to the hospital wing.

Ana hung her head as she cradled her injured wrist close to her, the final score began to register to the young girl.

“You did great out there, you know,” Lucian complimented as he strutted down the halls of the castle confidently. She didn’t necessarily believe him, but she did know that she did what she could; even if she did poorly, Ana at least gave her all.

With the lack of a smile or anything, Lucian continued, “I mean, you got hit with a bludger and pretty much laughed it off. That’s badass.”

At the sound of that, Ana stopped in her tracks to laugh at the boy, “Badass?”

“Badass.”

Fred blurted in agreement tiredly; he and George had followed behind the two snakes, hoping to catch up with them. Ana attention went straight to the younger twin whose browns eyes were wide with fear, the tips of his ears matched the red hue of his hair. She could tell he was worried, but that didn’t stop her from wanting to have a bit of fun.

“I see your aim is incredibly accurate,” Ana fake pouted as she dangled her injured wrist at the boy, “Fred’s aim could use a bit of work.”

At that jab, Fred rolled his eyes and turned away from her entirely. She loved pushing that boy’s buttons, and the insult made Lucian snicker beside her.

“Ana, I am so unbelievably sorry,” George whined woefully. “The thing is I didn’t even aim the thing. I got distracted by Harry when the bludger was coming after me and I just whacked it away and right into you.

His voice trailed off at the end of his explanation, running out of breath from his fear and tiredness. Ana decided to show the poor boy mercy, it was a mistake after all.

“George, I’m not angry. It’s okay,” she said as a rush of pain redirected her attention to her wrist, but she held in any signs of discomfort in order to reassure the boy of her lie.

“You don’t hate me?”

“No, I don’t hate you.”

George released a shallow sigh at her acceptance, the pale color returning to the boy’s face.

“Ana, we should get to the infirmary,” Lucian reminded her softly, not trying to come between their conversation, “your wrist is turning blue.”

All of their eyes widened at her almost fully bruised wrist, the damage seemingly getting worse by the second. Ana shuffled on her feet and that alone made the girl gasp in pain, which made all four boys jump in concern.

“Sorry, boys, but I’m gonna steal her from you, if that’s alright.”

Of course, Lucian would be perfectly charming to the boys he had not only played against but who also injured one of his best friends. Ana was appreciative for his actions since Aeron or Alex probably would’ve started yelling at the twins. Somehow, Lucian always knew what to say no matter who it was.

“Congrats on the win, Weasleys.”

“Thanks,” the boys said together, both with hints of confusion, which Ana assumed was their reaction to Lucian’s unwavering kindness. It didn't surprise her one bit, that's just who Lucian was.

All four of them exchanged gentle smiles as Lucian opened the large doors to the hospital. Now her wrist was fully black and spreading further up her arm. The color was dramatic against her pale skin which made it blaring obvious how much worse her injury was getting.

“Ms. Malfoy, welcome back,” Madam Pomfrey welcomed in an exasperated huff.

Ana plopped down on the same cot she laid in the year before after her run in with Trelawney; that memory had been pushed deep within the confines of her brain. It wasn’t one she enjoyed thinking about much.

“Hopefully she doesn’t end up here again,” Lucian joked with the woman who had already begun administering a balm to the girl’s wrist which made her wince at the touch. The pain was brief and the healing effects of the topical was already making her discomfort lessen. Next to her, Lucian leaned against the side table as he watched over the healer at work. He waited patiently as Ana was being cared for which made the girl smile at him. She was still hurting a bit, but Lucian brought her an insurmountable sense of comfort when he beamed back at the girl.

#fred weasley #fred weasley smut #fred weasley fanfic #fred weasley x oc #bibiana malfoy #the girl who vanished #tgwv #tgwv 1-25 #enemies to friends to lovers

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philthepegacornfics · 4 years

Text

Limits Part 3

Sam Wilson x Sibling!Reader, Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 3k

A/N: This chapter doesn’t have a lot of the mentioned dynamics. But, it’s still a chapter that I wrote and felt like keeping in. We’ll eventually get the to Spider-Man x Reader, lol.

Trigger Warnings: Potential swearing (I don’t remember), Physical Therapy

Part 1 Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How was school?” Tony asked as he walked into the room. The doctor had just finished removing my casts.

“It was good!” I beamed. “I made a new friend. Crazily enough, we have all the same classes together. Our teachers asked him to help catch me up in our classes, since I missed so much.”

Tony just nodded as he moved wordlessly, using body measuring tape to measure my left leg.

“Like I told Peter, it’s like some higher power wanted us to meet,” I continued.

He paused and looked up at me, giving me a smirk. He then continued to measure my right leg. “His name is Peter, then.”

“Yeah, that’s his name.”

“Is he cute?”

Heat rushed to my cheeks as I changed the topic, “What’re you doing?”

“I’m going to take that as a yes,” he smirked again. “I made you a present, I’m just seeing if it’s going to fit.”

“You got me a gift?!”

“I made you a gift. There’s a difference. You lost more muscle mass than I had anticipated. Give me no more than an hour to make the adjustments.”

“Thank you so much Tony!”

“Anything for our little Avatar,” he ruffled my hair.

I let out an annoyed groan, “Why do people keep doing that?”

“Because you’re adorable,” he deadpanned before walking out of the room.

Moments after he walked out of the room, a woman, who I assumed was my physical therapist, walked in. She had long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She carried in her hands a green elastic band and a red solo cup.

“Good afternoon (Y/n), how’re you doing today?” she asked, setting the solo cup and green band on the floor next to the table.

“I’m doing good. How are you?” I looked down into the cup. It was full of marbles.

“Good,” she answered as I gave her a curious look about the marbles. She laughed, “You’ll see what those are for in a minute.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I’m Doctor Webb, by the way. But you can call me Stephanie.” She offered me her hand.

I took it in mine and gave it a firm shake, “Nice to meet you, Stephanie.”

“So, how are your legs feeling?” she asked, pulling her hand away.

“They definitely don’t hurt anymore. I haven’t taken any pain medicine in awhile.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Though I will warn you now that more than likely they’ll ache again as we get into therapy. Your muscles haven’t been used in awhile, so it’s a matter of rebuilding them. Let me know if you need to rest at any point. We do want to push, but not too much. Okay?”

I nodded my head in understanding.

“Great! First I’m going to test your range of motion and stretch you out.”

She started with my left leg. First bending and straightening out my leg. Then moving to my foot. Seeing how far I could move it in each direction. With each direction it was pointed, she’d hold it for thirty seconds before moving on. Once done with that, she repeated the process on my right leg.

“Okay, now can you flex your feet for me? Bring your toes towards yourself,” she instructed when she finished.

I nodded again, and tried to do as she asked. However, my feet didn’t move. I furrowed my eyebrows and tried concentrating. Again, they didn’t move.

“I-I can’t,” I stuttered. Panic started to spread through my chest. “Why can’t I move them?”

Stephanie sighed, “It’s okay, (Y/n). To explain it in terms you’d understand; since it’s been so long since you’ve used your legs, your brain has lost a connection to them. You just have to relearn your motor skills.”

“O-oh.”

“Try again. It’ll take a second, but I know you can do it.”

I took a deep breath and focused on moving my feet again. My leg muscles twitched throughout my legs. After a few moments my feet started to move up towards me. I got them half way and let them fall back to their natural point. I tried again and was able to flex them with ease.

I released the breath I was holding. Stephanie let out a small chuckle from watching me point and flex my feet over and over again. I didn’t want to stop moving them, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do so again.

“Very good!” she praised me.

I couldn’t help but beam up at her.

“Now we’re going to use this,” she said while bending down to grab the green elastic band. “We’re going to use it to add some resistance to your movements, so you have to use your muscles more.”

With my left foot, she slid the band over the top and had me pull my toes towards me ten times. She rotated it so I then had to point my toes ten times. Next she had me move my foot inward ten times. And finally outward ten times.

We continued the process with my right foot. When we were done, I could feel myself getting a small headache. A dull one that ached all over.

Stephanie then had me dangle my legs over the side of the examination table. She slid the band under my calf and had me bend my knee to pull against it. After ten reps, we did it the opposite direction. Having me kick out and extend my knee ten times. Next was my other leg. Ten times pulling in, ten times kicking out.

By the time we were done, I was slightly panting and my headache was stronger. I could feel blood pulsing throughout my legs.

“How’re you doing, (Y/n)?” Stephanie asked.

I waited a moment to catch my breath before answering, “I have a headache. Other than that I’m fine. It feels good to move my legs.”

She gave me a small frown, “We can be done for today. You’re already doing better than I expected.”

I shook my head, “No, I want to keep going.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yup, just pop some ibuprofen in me, and I’ll be good as new.”

“Alright. Let’s get you shifted to a chair. You can either use mine or your wheelchair.”

“My wheelchair would be easier.”

Stephanie helped me lower myself from the examination bed. When I was settled, she grabbed the red solo cup and dumped the marbles out on the floor in front of me. She set the now empty cup next to my right foot.

I gave her a curious look and waited for her explanation.

“We’re now going to work on your fine motor skills,” she started. “I’m going to have you pick up each marble with your toes and drop them in this cup.”

I nodded. The task itself was easy enough. I moved to get started. Spreading my toes the best I could before trying to curl them around a blue marble. I was able to lift the marble about two inches above the ground before it fell.

I let out a huff of breath and tried again. This time I couldn’t get my toes to grab the marble. I accidentally kicked it and it rolled across the floor to where I couldn’t reach it. Stephanie moved to grab the marble and added it back to the pile of marbles on the floor. Her actions made me acutely aware that she was watching me.

I swallowed thickly before trying again, only to fail another time. I let out a frustrated sigh. Taking a few deep breaths, I tried one more time. My toes curled around a red marble. I lifted my leg, hovered over the cup, and dropped it in.

The next marble was easier to get into the cup, but still took awhile.

“I’m going to go get you some ibuprofen that you asked for earlier. Keep going. If you finish before I get back, just dump the marbles again and work on your other leg,” Stephanie said before exiting the room.

I continued working after she left. It took a long time but I finally got half way through. Feeling a little dizzy and tired, I decided to take a small break.

Leaning back in my wheelchair, I let my mind wander. It started off with school and how much homework I have to catch up on. Then I thought about how tutoring was going to help. I then thought about the shy dork that is Peter. And finally Tony’s question about Peter rang through my brain. “Is he cute?”

I blushed again at the question. Peter was undeniably attractive. The way he had hair styled back to try and keep it out of his face left me wanting to mess it up. To run my fingers through it. How every time he blushed, it stood out against his pale skin. Making his barely visible freckles stand out. I liked his deep brown eyes and his messed up eyebrow.

And he was physically fit. I could tell during gym class. During that class, I had nothing to do as I sat on the sidelines. I watched everyone exercise, but my eyes kept wandering back to Peter. He was doing sit ups, talking to Ned who held his feet down. It was obvious that the physical exercise was no strain for Peter. I couldn’t help but wonder what he looked like shirtless.

The door suddenly opened, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“There you are, Stephanie! I was starting to get worried,” I said while putting my hands on my cheeks, trying to cool down the burning sensation.

“Guess again,” Tony said while walking through the door. He was trying to hide something behind him. From what I could see, I could tell that it was tall and black.

“Tony!” I cheered before pausing for a moment. “Where’s Stephanie?”

“I ran into Dr. Webb in the hall. I told her that she could go home and I’d make sure that you finish up your exercises. Also, I got something for ya,” he said while tossing a small white bottle out of his left hand at me.

I leaned forward and tried to catch it, but my hands ended up smacking it away. The bottle landed on the floor. Rattling came from the contents from inside.

“You have got to work on your catching game,” he sighed. He walked further into the room, stepping over the marbles, and placed the long black item onto the examination bed. He then moved to pick up the bottle off of the ground and handed it to me. I rotated the bottle in my hands. Reading the label that says, “Ibuprofen.”

“Thank you!” I beamed up at him, “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Don’t thank me just yet,” he waved a dismissive hand before turning back to the object he laid on the bed. “Just wait until you try these on.”

“What is it?” I asked while screwing off the lid to the ibuprofen, taking out the correct dosage for my body weight.

“I haven’t worked out a name for them yet.” A weak hiss came from the object before Tony separated it into two. “They’re basically braces for your legs, but better.”

“Better how?” I put the bottle in my lap as Tony looked back at me. Moving my right index finger in a circular motion, I started drawing the moisture in the air together to form a small ball of water. I opened my mouth wide, popping the medicine, and moving the water into my mouth. I swallowed before looking at Tony, whose eyes were wide in surprise.

“Since when have you been able to pull water out of thin air?” he wondered.

A small smirk played at the corner of my mouth. “I’ve been practicing.”

“Clearly.” He shakes his head before he continues speaking, “Anyways, they’re better because I’m using advanced nanobots and healing technology. It’s a little similar to the brace that I made for Rhodey”

“Well, let’s try them on,” I motioned to my legs.

Tony put one of the halves and set it back down on the table. He rotated the brace so the half that was connected to the other was facing me. Upon closer look, I could see that it was hollow. A place for me to squeeze my leg in.

“It’s not very pretty now, but it will move and adjust to your leg once we get it on,” he warned.

“If it’ll adjust to my leg, why did you take my leg measurements earlier?”

“I needed them for this initial size. If it was too small, you wouldn’t be able to get your leg in for it to adjust. If it was too big, then it wouldn’t be able to read that your leg is there,” he explained.

I nodded my head in understanding.

Tony motioned for me to lift my leg up. I obliged and extended my right leg out. He, with my help, slid the brace on to my leg. It was a snug fit, but not too tight. After a moment, the nanobots came to life. They moved over my leg to form bars down either side of my leg. As well as creating four straps across my leg connecting them. Two across my thigh and two across my shin around behind my calf.

I bent and extended my leg a couple of times to get a feel for it. It moved with ease and was surprisingly light. It was as if it wasn’t there. We then repeated the process on my other leg.

A warmth spread through both my legs slowly. It felt as if I had a bunch of extra energy in them, and was ready to go for a run.

“What do you think?” Tony asked.

“They’re a lot lighter than I thought they’d be. And I think they’re working already. My legs feel warm and cozy, while having extra energy at the same time.”

“That’s good,” Tony then pointed towards the marbles. “Finish your exercises.”

I nodded and followed his instructions. Moving a lot quicker than I was able to earlier, I finished putting the marbles in the cup. I dumped them back out and started on the other leg.

“This is so much easier now!” I giggled with excitement.

Tony leaned against the wall and watched me.

“Ready to try standing up?” he asked once I finished.

My eyes widened and my jaw fell slack. “Already?

“If you think you’re up to it,” a smirk played on his features.

“You know I’m up for anything,” I scoffed at him.

“I know,” he said, offering me his arm.

I planted both my feet on the ground. Using both my hands to grab onto his arm to pull myself up. He shifted his weight and pulled me up faster than I had planned. I stumbled a little, but Tony helped catch me. After making sure I had my balance, he slowly pulled away from me.

The bottom of my feet tingled as my legs got warmer. Despite my legs lightly protesting, I couldn’t help but smile. It felt so good to be standing up for once. Something that used to be such a simple task, made me now feel like I was conquering the world.

“Look at me! I’m standing!” I squealed.

Tony chuckled softly. He took a step back towards me, again offering his arm. “Do you want to try walking around?”

“Yes!”

I put both of my hands onto his arms to help my balance. Shifting my weight back and forth, I decided to start with taking a step with my right leg. I put some weight on Tony as I moved my right hip upward to lift my foot off the ground. I bent my knee to get it further off of the ground before kicking it back out. My movements felt robotic and choppy.

I placed my foot on the ground, putting weight on it at the same time. Causing my legs to be too spread apart for me to be able to take another step without falling over.

My eyes widened in fear of falling. I looked up at Tony desperately. He moved his free hand to my shoulder to help balance me further.

“Shift your weight back and forth, with each shift, bring your legs closer together,” he instructed.

I did as he said and in no time, my legs were close together again. My right foot was still ahead of my left, but with only an inch between them instead of a huge gap. My legs were starting to burn.

I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you. I was starting to panic.”

“Let’s just start out with a shuffle.”

I nodded my head in agreement and he removed his hand that was holding my shoulder. I shifted my weight to my right foot and dragged my left foot forward. When it was a little in front of my right foot, I shifted my weight to it and dragged my right foot forward. I repeated the motions over and over. Tony being very patient with me and taking a step forward only when I’d finally start to pass him.

We got halfway across the room. My heart was racing and I was panting, completely out of breath. My legs felt like they were on fire. I couldn’t ignore them anymore.

“Tony,” I said between breaths.

“What’s up, kid?”

I pointed behind me in the general direction of my wheelchair. “I need to sit down.”

“Are you okay to stand on your own for two seconds while I grab your seat?”

Planting my feet shoulder width apart, I let go of his arm and gave it a small push. The movement caused me to wobble a bit. His hands shot out, getting ready to catch me. But, I was able to regain my balance on my own.

Quickly he grabbed my wheelchair and moved it behind me. I placed my hands on the armrests and lowered myself down onto it. As soon as my weight was lifted off my feet, my legs relaxed. Dulling some of the pain that’s spread throughout them.

Tony wordlessly started pushing me out of the room and down the hall.

“Where are we going?” I asked once my breath caught up to me.

“I’m taking you to your room. I think that’s enough therapy today.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @galcalirwin @frontmanash @dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt @aneclecticwriter

#spiderman x reader #peter parker x reader #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson x sibling!reader #avengers x reader #marvel #The Avengers

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the-ship-maker-2 · 4 years

Text

Tabby Anderson’s Backstory

It’s finally done. After a whole month of working on this. It’s done.

TW: Death, child abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, bullying, offensive language, mentions of suicide, homicide.

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE KEEP SCROLLING.

So….I probably should tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Tabithia Roxanne Anderson but please call me Tabby. I am seventeen years old and I have a slew of disorders. Starting with narcolepsy, insomnia, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and paranoia. We’re probably missing a few others because therapists and doctors can’t do their jobs in diagnostics correctly…but anyways… I digress, I’ll get to that part later on in the story….

Anyways from the time I was born I was already at a disadvantage. My mother Shanna Wolfe had me with my biological dad Michael Anderson. My mother… how do I describe her… she’s a good person all around for the most part… She has a big heart and is very compassionate… very moraled and loyal too. But she’s not very bright and she lacks the ability to stand up for herself to which she couldn’t stand up for me. My biological dad was the complete opposite. He was intelligent and able to stand up to anyone….if that included getting over on other people and standing up to anyone who was weaker than him. He was a coward and a bully. I came to despise him later on in life as I got older. He’s dead now thank thy lord. He died when I was twelve due to pneumonia and drug overdose. He was always into drugs as far as I knew growing up but he didn’t get into the hardcore drugs like heroin and meth later on. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As a child I remember only getting three to four hours of sleep at night (My insomnia wasn’t diagnosed at the time yet) and seeing the bruises on my mother’s face on her eyes and cheekbones. My mother was abused mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically. Always listening to them arguing. I myself got lucky somehow. I was just neglected by my dad.

I remember my mom telling me this story once or so. I was left by myself. My dad was upstairs with the neighbors getting high on weed and other things. My mom was at work at the time. She used to work at a nursing and rehabilitation center called The Hills as a CNA before she got fired. Sometimes she would bring me to work if she really couldn’t find a babysitter and I would sit in the lounge watching the two movies I brought with me. Which was always Bartok the Magnificent and Shark Tale. But anyways I was left by myself and I saw something on the coffee table. Turns out they were pain pills on a high dosage. It was brightly colored and I thought it was candy so I was about to take them. My mom walked through the front door just in the nick of time. She screamed at me and snatched me away from the coffee table. I was confused but later on in life I was thankful for what she did. Later on that night I heard them getting into a fight about what happened. My mother lost of course but she still tried to do what was right as a mother for once. I was four years old.

One of the stories that I really remember is when my grandmother came to visit. My dad’s mother. It was my first traumatic event. He was too lazy to get his own drugs which were just weed at the time from a couple of blocks down where his drug dealer was. He threatened my grandmother at knife point saying how if she doesn’t get his drugs then he’ll slit her throat. My dumbass at the time came out of my room and down the stairs so I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. He saw me and with lightning speed came over to me and held the same knife at me thoat. I began to cry. My dad said that If I didn’t stop crying and if I didn’t get his drugs then He would kill me, my mom and grandmother. So I was reduced to sniffles and agreed. He gave me the address which was literally down the street just five houses down. I’ve seen the house before all the time due to mom taking me to go to the park to play. So I knew where to go. I did what I was told and no one was killed thankfully. That was the last straw for my mother when she found out. She packed up our stuff that actually belonged to us and took me with her out of that house that we were living in. That’s really the only time I can remember when my mother actually stood up for me and did her actual job as a mother. I was also four at the time.

We got our own apartment pretty quickly. It was on the other side of town. It wasn’t the good part of town, lots of drug users and dealers and drunks in my neighborhood. But we were poor and it was the cheapest that we could get for rent. But my mom got it all on her own and well beggars can’t be choosers. However, even with this new found freedom she still lacked the ability to stand up for herself. Like I said before she’s very compassionate and is just too good for her own good. She would bring home random strangers she met on the streets to “help them back up on their feet” in exchange for helping around the house and babysitting me. But in reality they were just there for the pussy and free ride. They used my mom in every way possible. And that’s what started my severe distrust and dislike of males in general. I assumed that just about every male was like that since that seemed to be the same pattern with every person she brought in. I was still neglected so I learned to do the basics of taking care of myself. I learned how to get myself up on time, I learned to bathe myself and I learned to make canned soup, cereal, and sandwiches, and I learned to keep myself occupied. I’m honestly still asking myself how the fuck am I still alive? Because It’s already dangerous enough bringing home strangers from the streets especially if there’s a kid involved. I mean who knows what could happen if i was left alone with strangers who clearly didn’t give two fucks about me. Miraculously I’m still alive and I was just neglected like usual.

I…have this gift that is the core of my intuition.I can just see through a person easily and figure out what their true intentions are vaguely. I’ve always been highly intuitive on top of being able to see the paranormal. I could always vaguely tell if a person is good or bad with just a minute of looking at them. And with every person she brought home I always felt uncomfortable and I can just tell that they had bad intentions. I always tried to tell my mom about each person that she brought home but like with every adult that I ever encountered she brushed me off and told me that I was wrong. But I knew better. I knew I wasn’t wrong. God, looking back on it now, one of the few good things that I miss about my younger self is the amount of self confidence that I had that I lost over the years. Eventually I stopped trying to tell my mother about the various people that she brought home and just kept everything to myself. I mean why keep trying the same thing that I know doesn’t work? Anyways I just focused more on myself for my own survival since my mom wouldn’t listen to me. My mom actively made the choices to bring home these people so she knew what she was doing and I didn’t worry about her. Let her have the consequences of her own actions. I had and still don’t have sympathy for her.

Then on that fateful day, he came along.

I came home from preschool one day. I opened up the door to see my mom standing there and this strange man sitting on our couch. We locked eyes. His piercing icy blue eyes met my unnaturally wide hazel eyes that still take up 50% of my face. As I said before I can read people easily and normally have a very good intuition about them after a few minutes. But…strangely enough…I couldn’t read him for the life of me. He gave nothing away which piqued my curiosity. After all, who was this strange man? What was he doing here? What were his intentions with my mother? And why can’t I read him like I can with everyone else? After what seemed like an awkward forever of sizing each other up my mom Introduced us. We exchanged names. He said that his name was Michael Timothy Mulleney jr. My mom said she was going to the store real quick and she left me alone with him to babysit me. I approached him with cautious optimism. He just felt different from the others that mom brought home. We made small talk to get to know each other and we used to have a lot in common. We both liked video games and disney and other things. I took an instant liking to him and that happened with no adult family or not especially males in particular. He was different. He was unlike anyone I ever met. I was naive and didn’t know any better back then. My mom finally came home and she found me curled up on his lap, napping to Peter Pan. Which is why I will forever love Peter Pan because it was the first thing he introduced me to and overall it just reminds me of a better time in my childhood when I was happy and I had my dad/best friend back then. I think she was honestly surprised to find out that I hadn’t chased him out of the house. So she took that as a sign to bring him around more often and to keep him.

He came around more often after that. We were a handful to each other. I was used to adults neglecting me. So I was used to having to do everything myself and I never really asked for help. I wasn’t used to having to be taken care of and asking for permission to have stuff. So there were fights over that. Which was really frustrating to me because he requested a two hour nap every time he came over first. He had a weird sleep schedule. He’s a night owl. So I had to keep myself occupied and wait for him to wake up. If I was hungry then I was hungry and I wasn’t going to wait for him. Ain’t no one has the time for that. Eventually we established a boundary and compromised. If I waited for him to wake up then I could still have my freedom of doing things myself as long as I was supervised. He’d let me do whatever since I’ve shown him that I could take care of myself as long as he stood in whatever doorway to the room of whatever activity I was doing to make sure I didn’t hurt myself or break anything and to periodically check up on me.

I was also not used to rules and consequences and routine. Since I was loosely taken care of, meaning that I was fed, showered, went to school, and not dead. Adults wanted nothing to do with me and my mother was always too busy to establish any rules or consequences. If she did it wasn’t consistent so I just did whatever I wanted for the most part. My life was nothing but chaos with the amount of people coming and going. My step dad was the first to establish rules and consequences which resulted in a lot of time outs and early bedtimes. He never used to hit me or abuse me verbally, emotionally or mentally. Eventually I learned to follow the rules and we established a routine. It was nap time for him when he first walked through the door and I had a few hours to keep myself occupied while I waited for him to wake up. When he did wake up we would do whatever together, I got as many snacks that I wanted, we played with my stuffed animals, play-wrestled with each other, we would color, watch tv, sometimes he would take me to the park and play with me since other kids wouldn’t. Around 6pm it was dinner time I had whatever my mom left for me in the fridge. Or I had spaghettios. After that it was shower time, then I picked up my toys, then I would watch family guy with him (My mom didn’t really care what I watched back then as long as it wasn’t pornography). Then it was bedtime.

You see before he met my mom. He recently came out of a 12 year relationship with his ex girlfriend. And he has two other kids. His oldest came to us by accident later on in my life and I became the middle child. Anyways, She cut off all contact with him in his kids so he couldn’t see them and take care of them anymore. Since he was free now he became more reckless since he really wasn’t tied down anywhere anymore and he had nothing to lose. In a sense I was his redemption as a parent and as he spent more time with my mom and I the less reckless he became. He settled down because it was like ‘oh shit there’s a kid involved here I can’t do that anymore’.

During those times where he would come over he’d teach me a lot of life skills. He taught me how to pick up after myself. He taught me self defense and how to fight a little, just in case I ever found myself in trouble and there was no other option. Heh… who knew that would pay off during my years at Rosewood and in my life now. The moves and stances are the foundation of my fighting style which is more on the defensive side. He taught me how to cook basic meals, hard boiled eggs, ramen, mac and cheese, and spaghetti. Which he helped me discover my passion for cooking. I had a job in a restaurant working in the kitchen before I quit because of my left hand. He taught me how to read and write. Which he helped me discover my passion for reading and writing. I was always writing stories with my limited vocabulary and I would pull all nighters discreetly finishing my masterpieces. I am the picasso of literature. More importantly he was someone that I could talk to. I never had anyone to do that with save for Autumn later on. I told him everything and anything and he told me everything and anything. Well what was appropriate for a four year old to know. He told me stories about his life from when he was a kid. He was the first person to step up and be the father figure and raise me when my own mother and family wouldn’t. I owe him indefinitely and despite all the abuse and shit he put me through I can never hate him fully. That year and a half of my life was one of the happiest years of my childhood. I thought it would last forever.

I mentioned before that I could see the paranormal. At first it was just tall lanky shadowy figures of various sizes. I never figured out what they were really called so I just called them what I saw them as. Tall, lanky shadowy figures I didn’t think too much of them since all they did was just watch and they weren’t causing me harm. I just went with the flow. Sometimes they would come to me other times they would not. It was a hit or miss. On the times that the shadowy figures would show up I would talk about my day, what was bothering me, or just what was on my mind at the time with my limited four year old vocabulary. I was young and lonely and I did not understand the concept of filtering and giving out too much information. As I got older the shadowy figures’s visit became less and less frequent. Occasionally they would show up and I would give them a nod in acknowledgement and have a conversation with them. I used to believe that that would be the extent of my abilities.

But one night it became so much more than that.

It started out as any average day in my life.It was cloudy. I woke up, ate, showered, and kept myself occupied by watching some movies or playing with my toys. But the entire day just felt off… Like you know how cats and dogs can tell if there’s a thunderstorm coming and the act all weird? It was like that for me. There was an ominous feel in the air like something bad was going to happen. I just didn’t know what at the time. At first I thought something bad was going to happen to my mom. So I begged her not to go into work that day but she brushed me off and told me not to worry about her and that she would be fine. She didn’t listen to me like usual.

Now despite my mom still having strangers in the house she realized that none of them were going to babysit me finally. Even my step dad wasn’t around the whole time. And it was one of those days where he couldn’t babysit me. So I was bounced around from babysitter to babysitter. Sometimes it was other family members other times it was just whatever my mom could find to hire. I never lasted a week with any of them. With other family members it was because I interrupted their lives and they saw me as extra baggage and didn’t want anything to do with me. They always found some sort of excuse to return me back early to my mom. So it was nice to know that I wasn’t wanted by my own biological family. As for the strangers that my mom hired I just simply didn’t like them. I gave them as much as a hard time that I could. They lacked common human decency and respect. They knew nothing of the routines in my household when I did. They told me that no that’s not it. Like? Bitch I live here you don’t. What do you know about my life in my household? My thing was don’t tell me what to do when you don’t know dick about shit about my household. This is what started my severe hatred for adults.

Anyways, this time my babysitter was a stranger that my mom managed to hire. A fifteen year old blonde petite girl by the name of Maggie Hemmington. At the time I thought she was an adult but then again anyone older than 10 is an adult to you when you’re four years old. She wore stuff that expressed she was into the occult stuff. When she came over that day the feeling of something bad was going to happen jumped to 1000. I became more insistent and screaming, crying and begging my mom to not leave me alone with her. But again my mom brushed me off and tried to reassure me the best she could. In the end she left for work and me alone with that bitch. The day was awful with lots of fights and screaming at each other. She was just an awful person; she didn’t even do her job. I still had to go and take care of myself. Eventually she made me go to bed early saying that she was going to have friends over and she didn’t want a brat like me to get in the way. Which she wasn’t supposed to have friends over to begin with but after the day I had I was more than happy to oblige. The quicker I went to sleep, the quicker I could wake up and have it be the next day. So like the good kid I once was I went up to my room and surprisingly I actually fell asleep naturally.

It was around midnight or so I would like to believe. I honestly don’t remember much of what happened that night. I only remember what I remember due to months of pushing through the painful headaches and flashbacks that have accompanied me ever since. I don’t remember the full story so I’m probably missing a few parts but I remember enough to piece together a semi complete story.

Anyways I believe it was midnight or so. I remember waking up to Maggie and her friends screaming. I was scared and confused as to what was happening. Hindsight is 20/20 I probably should have just stayed in bed. Although to be honest I don’t think that this night wouldn’t have ended differently even if I did just stay in bed. And in all actuality I didn’t hate her or any of her friends for that matter. At least, not enough to leave them to their deaths. What if they were in trouble? I was the only there that could do anything. If i didn’t that would make me a coward and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. What if they were dead? Then what? If I did go down there and saw what I saw if they were dead how would I explain what I saw to the police? To my mom? All these questions and choices ran through my head. However, my pride and what little compassion that I had got in the way. I didn’t raise myself to be a coward and i wasn’t going to start then and they sounded like they were in trouble. They needed me. So I made the choice to sneak downstairs to see what was up and figure it out from there. The apartment itself was quite old so the staircase was creaky. However, there were spots that weren’t creaky, I knew where they were. Going down the stairs was like doing an intricate dance to avoid the creaky spots. I crouched down halfway down the staircase. The apartment had dim lighting as it was so there were lots of shadows all over the place. I was wearing a black nightshirt and I was tan and small enough to hide in the shadows. I looked through the bars of the stairs and I saw Maggie and her friends huddled together with the look of absolute fear in their eyes staring straight ahead and a ouija board in front of them. I couldn’t see what they were seeing at the time. But I could feel a dark and powerful aura that was around. It was uncomfortable and overwhelming. It was almost suffocating. The…entity…as I called it because I didn’t know what it was since I couldn’t see it but I could feel it and hear it. All that I knew was that it was a malicious entity. It kept coming closer to where I was hiding. I crouched down more to make myself appear smaller. But the entity snatched me up and as far as I knew I was levitating in thin air. The entity had a suffocating grip on me. I don’t remember much because Maggie, her friends and I were too busy screaming, crying, and I was trying to fight my way out. I even tried to bite the entity but that only resulted in it tightening its grip on me even more. Maggie was trying to negotiate a different price for summoning the entity, Since it said that it required a sacrifice as a price for summoning it. And well…I was it. After hours of screaming, crying and negotiating they came to a compromise. What that compromise was I have no idea to this day. But all I remember is a pressure on my forehead and just a flood of painful life truths and knowledge on more paranormal creatures and how to deal with them. I was screaming and crying in pain and agony. It was too much all at once and I felt like my head was going to explode. The night seemed to go on for forever to me…I thought that it would never end. Until it did. After the entity was done I blacked out I can’t tell you what happened after even if I tried. This is why to this day I don’t fuck with horror movies, witchcraft, and ouija boards. I don’t go actively looking for stuff that I don’t understand what I’m dealing with.

The next morning I woke up back in my room in my own bed. I had a painful headache in the center of my forehead, like the equivalent of a really bad hangover. I was really confused as to what happened last night. I knew something happened, I just didn’t know what. That is until the painful knowledge that I received last night came flowing back like a flood. I was crying and screaming in agony until the flashbacks subsided. My mom came running in to see what was wrong. She asked me what was wrong. But I couldn’t tell her the truth of what really happened last night. She wouldn’t have believed me anyways. Instead I just cuddled up to her and held onto her tight and just cried until I ran out of tears and was reduced to a sniffling, hiccupping mess. I just suffered in silence while my mom rubbed my back and petted my hair.

The next three months was a bitch to deal with. I was a mess. I still did what I needed to do. I went to preschool although I was more antisocial than usual and I was more jumpy. I was just more of a broken quiet, my wide hazel eyes had a haunted look to them on top of them being slightly sunken back and I had dark circles under them, I wasn’t sleeping much during those three months. I was an awful sight. I was almost sickly skinny, I wasn’t eating much for those three months as well. It was evident that I was a shell of my former self. After preschool, I ate the bare minimum to stay alive and to shower when I had the energy to do so. I didn’t want to be out of my room longer than I had to. I was afraid the entity would come back for me. The rest of the time I laid in bed with my covers pulled up, staring at the wall or ceiling for hours on end just empty headed and crying when the flashbacks and nightmares occurred. The worst part was that I was alone. Mom was either working or sleeping and she knew that my trauma had to do with Maggie so my mom stopped with the babysitters and just left me alone. She wasn’t supposed to but she didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t tell my step dad about what happened. And I used to tell this man everything and anything. Back then we didn’t have secrets with each other. But I couldn’t tell him…this. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him. The only ones that I told were my friends when they gained enough trust. So I kept it to myself. My step dad didn’t push me back then. He knew when to back off and respect my boundaries. He dropped it when I didn’t want to talk about it. He knew something happened to me but didn’t know what. He checked up on me when he was there to make sure I was okay and got a little bit of something to eat.

A month has passed and my step dad had enough of me being bed ridden. He gave me this piece of advice that I live by to this day. He sat on my bed and rubbed my back. It was a particularly bad day. The flashbacks and headaches were non stop and sleep was non existent. He was saying how he could tell that I was scared and he hated seeing me like this everyday. He also said that he knew that I wasn’t a coward and he knew a way to help me face any fear that I would have. That caught my attention so I sat up a little to pay better attention. He told me this: The more you know the less you have anything to be afraid of. After all you can’t be afraid of something if you know what that thing is. He left me alone after that and it was something to think about.

I gave myself a week to think about it. By Friday I decided that I had enough. I didn’t want to be stuck in bed. I was tired of the constant flashbacks and headaches. I was tired of living in fear. It’s not a fun way to live as I would discover that realization again later on in my life, and guess what? That night when I made my decision to start not being afraid anymore was the first night that sleep overcame me with no flashbacks and headaches the following day. I guess as I started to make peace with what I was about to do had something to do with that too.

The next day before my mom left for work and my step dad came over to babysit me I told them my decision and asked if I could go to the library. I figured that the first step to not being afraid is getting everything on that subject. My mom agreed and left her library card for us to use (I didn’t get my own until I was six). I think my mom was just relieved that I wasn’t going to be bedridden anymore and that I was actually going out to get some fresh air. After my mom left, I grabbed my black backpack that he gave me and we went to the library. I got every book I could on the supernatural and how to deal with them. I definitely got some confused and concerned looks from the librarians and my step dad. I ignored the librarians and my step dad didn’t push it. I assumed that he picked up on the type of books that I was getting and figured out what I was scared of but he was more than willing to help me conquer my fears. We checked them out and we had a month with them before we had to return them. My backpack was so filled that it made me look like an oversized turtle. I wasn’t a good reader back then mainly due to reading comprehension. It wasn’t my strong suit back then. But I was one hell of a writer. So even though he was confused on the subjects that I picked, he helped out with reading the books and helped me take down notes. The more I understood the less I was becoming less and less afraid.

The next step to me for not being afraid was getting the full story on what happened that night. To tell you the truth I honestly didn’t really remember what happened exactly. I remember bits and pieces of what happened due to flashbacks and memories but not in order. and I don’t remember what happened after I blacked out.My thought process was that I can finally understand and not be afraid anymore if I learned the truth of what really happened. Despite me staying out of my room more and more I still spent an equal amount of time there. I would deliberately sit myself down and go through that day’s events, walking myself through step by step. It wasn’t until I got to the part where I was snatched and then the flashbacks would come back intensely. But nevertheless I pushed through. I would always have a violent headache after each and every session. Literally my diet consisted of whatever I ate and children’s tylenol. It wasn’t easy and there were days where I stepped back from the progress that I made but little by little I got to piece together as much of a complete story that I could.

Over time the flashbacks and headaches became less and less frequent as I got older. Occasionally nowadays I would get the nightmare of that event which would always be followed by a headache in the center of my forehead the next morning. But I would just take some ibuprofen and be on my way. They don’t happen as much anymore like they used to. Over time I became less and less afraid and I became well more normal after that. Well as normal as I could get after an event like that. I was happy more often. I had my dad/best friend. I pushed boundaries, I got time outs and early bedtimes. I played with my toys and with him and I went to preschool and I ate a lot and regularly more often. I was doing fine. I was getting better.

Then my step dad left us. I was five at the time.

He left us for two years. Turns out he went to prison for breaking and entering an abandoned building while he was drunk looking for a place to sleep for the night. The day I found out I was hurt, confused, lonely, and pissed. I was confused because why did he leave us all of a sudden? Where was he? Was he okay? Would we be able to see him again? I was hurt because I had all of these questions running through my head. Did he not love us anymore? Did he even love us at all? Was I a bad kid and that’s why he left us? Was I too much to handle and so he said fuck it and left? Was my mom not good enough? Were we not good enough for him? Then I was pissed because how dare he leave us? Us of all people? We didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this and he had the audacity to leave us! I was also pissed at myself more than anything. My intuition was wrong about him. My intuition was rarely wrong about anything in my life. Although I couldn’t read him at first he proved himself to be different than the rest of the people my mom brought home. He stayed for a year. That’s the longest anyone has ever stayed in my life at the time. He actually stayed and didn’t run away from his responsibilities. He was the first person to take me in and raise me when my own mother and biological family wouldn’t. I thought that he was different….I was wrong obviously but I didn’t realize just how wrong I was until later on in life.

I never felt more alone since that day. There were only two other times but nothing would compare to that day when he left.

This is the reason why I have severe trust issues.

It was downhill after that. Mom lost her job and the apartment so we bounced from motel to motel. Mom was either busy sleeping or looking for jobs. I don’t blame her, it was tiring for her to be looking for jobs for 8 hours a day. So she needed the sleep. Although the rare times she was up she did spend time with me and we would watch tv together. Other times I had to take care of myself and my mom. So I kept myself entertained and my mom barely had enough money for the week to stay let alone for food more times than not. In every motel that we’ve been to there was also a convenience store. Some were nice and were understanding of my home situation so they would let me pick out two things to eat for free. One for me and one for my mom once a day. They were nice. Other store employees weren’t so nice and understanding. But my mom and I had to eat so I learned to lie and steal from them. We had to survive and eat and I was willing to do that by any means necessary. The worst part is that instead of stopping and only doing it when I needed to. I got better at it and I became more clever. I absolutely hated stealing from the store that was nice to me but desperate times called for desperate measures and I wasn’t even sorry for it.

School wasn’t any easier for me. The only things I was good at was everything else but math and gym. I was also good at being a teacher’s pet. It was the only way I could survive at school and I really was a good kid once upon a time and that’s how I got away with mostly everything at school from kindergarten through 11th grade.

That’s when the bullying started for the first time. They made fun of me for being homeless and not being good at math and not being strong enough for gym class. I didn’t know exactly how to deal with it at first since I wasn’t good at social situations. At first I ignored them or shot back an even worse insult to them for k-4.

Eventually my mom got a job at a restaurant making sandwiches and we eventually got our own apartment again.I was seven at the time. It was decent about the size of a single wide trailer, three bedrooms and all for $725 a month. It was on the poor side of Maplehood Creek. So there was a lot of crime and drug deals but beggars can’t be choosers. We settled into a routine very quickly. Mom went to work and I went to school and business as usual. We never really saw each other often. However, it was a nice change to have some form of stability instead of stealing and lying to survive and the uncertainty of it working.

The best part? My step dad came back to us. However, when he did come back he….changed…..He was always the stoic, tough love type but…this was different. I get the people change over the years, especially after a few years of being away from people. But not like this. Looking back on it he came back more distant….and more cold and calculating…. But I didn’t care at the time. I was just happy and excited to have my dad/ best friend back. No more lonely days, no more fear, no more sadness, like all of the hurt, anger, confusion, loneliness, and sadness for the last two years just melted away…. I was just so desperate that I overlooked the warning signs. But anyways, I ran up to hug him as soon as he came back through the door for the first time in two years. I hugged him like my life depended on it, as if I let go he would walk out again. But he didn’t hug me back like he normally would. I just chalked it up to the fact that he probably needed time to adjust. Which was fine. That’s understandable. I figured that after he got used to us again we could go back to being a family once again. Like the good old days but perhaps this time with something better.

BUT BOY WAS I WRONG….LIKE 180 DEGREES WRONG……I WAS SO VERY, VERY WRONG!!!

The abuse started light…at first it was just cutting words and biting remarks….He didn’t start hitting me until I was nine. I really didn’t think anything of it. I often do things to get those comments. I fucked up a lot of things that I was supposed to do that I really shouldn’t have fucked up to begin with. It hurt what he said to me but I just thought it was his new form of discipline. I always thought the point of discipline was that it was supposed to hurt so that you don’t do the bad thing again. It wasn’t anything bad at first. Just normal stuff, he would always call me “stupid”, “worthless”, “Useless” “I’m a burden and that no one wants me” The works. I put up with it because I was desperate to get my best friend back. I thought that if I showed that I was strong enough to take whatever he threw my way then it would show how loyal and worthy I was of being back into his good graces again.

School was beginning to become more and more difficult. Academics was fine. I was too smart for what they were teaching. I was often ahead of my classes. I wouldn’t call myself a genius, otherwise it would have been proven earlier on in my life. I was just above average in intelligence. I would always be ahead for that week in whatever lesson they would be teaching. But the bullies….the bullies got worse….It was just superficial shit. Saying how bad I am at math even though I was good at other subjects, no one wanted to be my friend because I was mean and awkward, I was too weird…. I was only mean because I could see right through them they weren’t good people. I wanted nothing to do with them. And they started with me first. I didn’t start fights, I finished them. I remember something my step dad said to me in passing later on in life. It was an off-color remark and I don’t think he intended for me to use it in the way I did but it proved useful in every fight I’ve been in verbal and physical. He said this to me “Be more afraid of someone who can ruin your life with a press of a button than of someone who can pack a punch. Physical wounds heal mental wounds don’t. Be vicious with your attacks and go for the throat. Hit where it would hurt the most”. And I still live by that. I’ve made people run away crying from my words. Don’t start with me and I won’t start with you. Plain and simple. As for my weirdness. Well, I was more reserved and quiet. I was antisocial and due to my step dad I had increased hostility and ‘behavioral issues’. But I guess I’ve also had my personal darkness following me around. Always just barely below the surface. I guess it created an unsettling aura around me that always made others uncomfortable. Oh well.

Nine is when things turned up a notch for the first time. Lot’s of things happened. I was in 4th grade. Adam was born, I got into my first fist fight, the abuse became worse at home, and I made my first important choice that would change my life forever.

But one thing at a time. Let’s start with the birth of my little brother Adam.

I was nine years old. It was October 3. 2011. Adam was born. His full name is Adam Mitchell Mulleney. I always wanted a sibling, someone I could protect and take care of and teach. Preferably a sister, but beggars can’t be choosers. The moment I held him was the moment I knew I had to protect him. From what? I don’t know. But anyways my step dad doesn;t do babies. So he didn’t even help take care of him. Mom wasn’t the strongest mentally speaking so she wasn’t fit to take care of him. So I did, mostly. I was more of his mother than his big sister at the time. We went to a daycare so that helped me out a lot. But mainly I took care of him for the first three years of his life on top of school, and the increasing abuse from my step dad. He was saying recently back then how I was a bad influence to everyone I met and how much of a monster I was. How I was incapable of making good decisions, always. But back then I didn’t believe him. God, I miss the self confidence I used to have. Before life and reality kept giving me brutal beatings and I just gave up. But I didn’t believe him at the time because Adam proved otherwise. I mean how could I be a bad person when I was keeping Adam alive, healthy and happy? It didn’t make sense to me. I was there for the formative years. I taught him almost everything I know. At least enough for a toddler to understand. It was enough hopefully for him to have the basics of survival for when I couldn’t be with him anymore when I left for my new life. I did the best I could as a 9-12 year old pseudo mother.

As Adam got to be older he quickly became the family favorite. My step dad treated him like the golden child like he could do no wrong. He gave Adam the love and affection that I used to get. But yet he treated me like shit. So you can imagine the growing animosity I had towards my family and life. And unfortunately, after I was done taking care of him and my parents finally took over and did their actual jobs for once I grew to hate Adam more and more for a while until I got older and I realized a few things. But that’s later on in the story.

Like I said before, the abuse from my step dad got worse. I remember the very first time he hit me. When I was nine I got my first chore other than cleaning my room. It was dishes. At first I was excited about it because it was like “finally I’m a big kid now!” But I wasn’t good at it for the first three days. I have sensory and vision issues so I can’t feel or see the dead food on the plates sometimes but I really did try my best. My step dad got fed up with me after the third day of me doing dishes. He got so angry at me that he broke one of the dirty dishes on the floor and then moved with the speed of a viper. He smacked me across the face so hard that you could hear the crack that came with it. My face turned so fast I swear that I almost broke my neck. The force behind was so strong that I fell into the pile of broken ceramic and I could hear ringing in my ears. He yelled at me saying I’m a useless child and that I can’t do anything right and that I’m stupid because I can’t do a simple dish right. He then stormed off and hid in his bedroom for a while. I just sat there in shock. It was a good couple of minutes before the stinging, and ringing died down and before I could turn my head. I’m pretty sure he left a red mark and I just cried silently. I was just so confused as to why he would hurt me. He’s never done so before…But I quickly justified it as I deserved it. He doesn’t do shit for no reason he always has a reason for the shit he does even if he never told me. If I hadn’t fuck up something so easy like dishes I wouldn’t have gotten smacked that day. I cleaned up the broken pieces of the plate and cleaned up myself from the cuts I got and I just went on with my day.

There were always incidents like that. I’d fuck something up whether it’s completely wrong or not up to his god like standards, I’d get smacked. Whether it was across my face or upside the head. Or sometimes he would pin me to the ground or to the wall by my neck if I even tried to defend myself with words of course. I never once tried to fight him that would ensure my death. I was always all about survival. I only fought fights that I knew I would most likely win or if I felt strongly for that cause.

My mom was always at work for the most part. She would come home later in the night when Adam and I were asleep. On her days off she either slept, or she took Adam and I on errands. It was her form of quality time with us. Sometimes if the incidents took place while she was home she would ignore it, only focusing on Adam to keep him sheltering him from the fucked upness of the situation and just let my step dad and I figure it out. But yet failing to protect me. Although I understood why she would protect him more than me. Because I would do the same too. He’s younger, he has more of his entire life ahead of him. I don’t need him to be fucked up and ruin his chances of living a happy, normal life. I’ll be damned if someone were to take that away from him. Although sometimes my mom would actually do her job as a parent and step in to protect me by arguing with him. But that always fails because she gets meek and worn down from his relentless arguing. Gradually she stopped doing that as well. He never hit my mom or Adam or Michael when he came into my life later on. It was just me. I used to believe that if I left then he would take out his anger on my mom and Adams and use them as scapegoats. I thought I was protecting them so I still stayed. But I was quickly proven wrong about my belief as I realized that he just had it out for me.

School was getting increasingly worse. On top of the abuse I recieved at home which made me more vicious and hostile and according to my teachers I had “increasing behavioral problems” the bullying was getting worse too. The kids kept telling me how useless and worthless I was. How weird I was, how nobody liked me. I didn’t mind it coming from my step dad because I was getting used to it and a scrawny nine year old can’t fight a grown man who’s twice to three times her size. I’m normally able to separate business from personal. Home was personal, school was business for me. That’s how I survived for so long, especially when I went to Rosewood Preparatory school later on in the story. I was always able to fight two battles on two different fronts. One at school and the other at home. If I was at school I shut off the war at home and focused my energy on surviving the day. If I was at home I shut off the war at school and focus my energy on surviving another night at home just to repeat the cycle all over again the next day. Keep on fighting in the meantime.

Anyways, school was supposed to be a break from my stepdad to me. Just enough of a reprieve to help me survive. And I wasn’t getting that with the kids repeating the things my step dad told me. I had enough.

One day while I was in math class in the fourth grade. I had Mr. Williamson at Maplehood Creek Elementary School. I sat in front of Alan Washburn. He was one of my many bullies but he and Nikola Whilems were my main ones at Maplehood. Mr. Williamson wasn’t paying attention, he had his back turned to the smartboard teaching the rest of the class long division at the time. I was minding my own business and was actually trying to learn the lesson. Math wasn’t my strong suit and he and Nikola always picked on me because of it amongst the other things they picked on me about. Alan got the brilliant idea to pull me by the back of my ponytail so my head was bent over backwards and his face was upside down in my perspective. He told me “How does it feel to be the retard in the class?” with that cocky, annoying, arrogant smirk, and then pushed my head with enough force to make the front of my head hit my desk. I let out an audible “ow” and everyone turned to look at me including Mr. Williamson. I sat up and pretended like nothing happened. Everyone went back to what they were doing. I heard Alan and Nikola snicker and that;s when I lost it and that’s how I got into my first fist fight. I turned around in my desk to face Alan, balled my hand into a fist and I just decked him square in the face as hard as I could and I broke his nose. It hurt like hell for the both of us but seeing the look of fear on his face after I punched him was so satisfying to me. Then I leaped over my desk and tackled him to the ground. Back then I didn’t know how to fight as well as I do now. I only knew the basics from my step dad and it was the first fight I ever got into. I just sat on his chest and bitch slapped him until his face was red and started crying like the little bitch that he was. I screamed at him to “say that you’re sorry and say it like you mean it!”. The other kids surrounded us. Some looked at us in awe, some looked at us in shock and some looked at us in fear. Mr. Williamson had to pull me off of him. I was breathing heavily, ears burning and rash like from anger and Alan scurried into a corner of the classroom whimpering and in a protective position. I made direct eye contact with Nikola and he looked so pale and afraid of me. In all honesty I felt relieved and accomplished. It was nice to distribute retribution and to finally have power over them. On that day I asked myself why didn’t I do that sooner?

Unfortunately Maplehood Creek Elementary School has a zero tolerance for violence, so I was sent to the principal’s office for the day. The punishment for a violent physical fight was expulsion. Yeah, they were really strict about that. My mom didn’t come to get me until school was out for the day at 3:30pm since that’s when she got out of work that day. My mom and my principal Mrs. McCaulen had a conversation about what would be the most efficient course of action for me. I was getting expelled, there was no getting out of that. But expulsion was for a year at Maplehood and then I could try again. Neither one of them wanted me to be behind in my school work and since I was too smart of the school work anyways for the most part they felt bad and didn’t want to waste any of my potential intelligence. So, They gave me two choices. One, I could do homeschooling for the rest of the school year and then come back next school year. Or, Mrs. McCaulen said that she knew some higher ups at a place called Rosewood Preparatory School and could pull some strings to get me in after Christmas break since it was December at the time. I would switch schools after Christmas break and I would finish schooling there. She explained to me that Rosewood was a prestigious private school in the downtown area where the rich people lived. It was a k-12 school. It was a place where the rich, problematic and intelligent people got better and got a good education. You have to wear a uniform and meet certain qualifications to get in. But since I was highly intelligent and definitely had enough issues to spare. Mrs. McCaulen was certain that I could get in. She also added that after I graduated I could get into just about any esteemed college since Rosewood was a prestigious school itself. That sounded promising to me since I already knew that I didn’t want to be in Maplehood all my life and be stuck with my family forever. Once upon a time I actually had high hope and a bright outlook on my future. I didn’t want to do homeschooling because the only one that was home all the time was my step dad since he was a stay at home dad. Mom worked almost all the time to provide everything for the house and us. My step dad is a good teacher when he’s not being an abusive, manipulative, arrogant prick. However, If I chose homeschooling I knew that my step dad wouldn’t let me go back the next school year and keep me locked up in the apartment forever or until he dies. Not only that but once again school was the only break I ever got from him. It’s how I survived for so long. I was not going to have that be taken away from me. So in the end I chose Rosewood, not knowing what I’d get myself into. They discussed the option of a dormitory since Rosewood also had a boarding section. Mom decided that it would be easy if I just came home at the end of the day. Which I was thankful for later on.

Of course my mom told my step dad about what happened. I was expecting him to beat the shit out of me and to yell at me. But instead he asked me for my side of the story. Which was out of character for him but nevertheless I was happy to give my side of the story in hopes that maybe I would get punished less. I told him how Alan (and he knew about my bullies) how he grabbed my hair and called me a retard and smacked my head on my desk. So I retaliated and I punched him the face and then I jumped over my desk and I sat on top of him and I bitch slapped him and screamed at him to apologize. I used the excuse that it was self defense and also used the philosophy that he taught me. If you do something bad then expect the worst possible outcome. Which I delivered. He then asked me if I won the fight. To which I said that I thought so since I gave him a bloody nose and made him cry like the little bitch he was. My step dad nodded thoughtfully and stayed silent for a few minutes. I braced myself for whatever backlash I was about to receive. He then patted my head and told me he was proud of me. Now THAT was something I hadn’t heard in a long time. It felt good. I then told him that they expelled me and I had a choice between homeschooling and a place called Rosewood Preparatory School. I chose Rosewood. And that’s when he went back to his asshole self. He told me that Rosewood was a place to stuff severely mentally disturbed children that their parents wanted nothing to do with anymore. I’m talking about mentally disturbed kids that need to to be in an insane asylum and actually get professional help.that they so desperately needed. He told me that I wouldn’t survive there. I didn’t believe him at the time because I thought that he was fear mongering me like he normally does when he tries to get control over me. I thought he was trying to scare me into homeschooling so he could gain more control over me. So, using the other philosophy he taught me. I made my choice and I will stick by it through the bitter fucking consequences. I will go down with the ship. I still stuck to my guns and I was adamant about going to Rosewood. Anything to get away from him.

It was January 7th. It was after Christmas break and time to go back to school. For me it was my very first day at this Rosewood Prep. I wore my new school uniform which was a white long sleeve shirt and tan khakis with a black belt. I had a choice between the standard red and black plaid skirt and tan and black khakis for the girl’s uniforms. I didn’t and still don’t like girly things, there’s just so many prying prepubescent lemur boys out there you know? So I chose pants all the way. The one good thing about Rosewood is that they are more lenient about their school uniforms than most private preparatory schools. We could wear whatever hoodie/ sweatshirt we wanted over our uniform as long as we could prove that we had the standard white tee/ long sleeve shirt, red and black plaid skirt, tan or black khakis on. We could wear whatever socks and shoes that we wanted. It was nice to have some sort of independence and individualism in that place. I ended up walking to school since we lived closer to the downtown area than to Maplehood Creek Elementary School. So I didn’t meet the requirements for the school bus system. Nevertheless I was so ready for what little independence that I would get.Rosewood Prep is a big school. It was right across from The real estate office building called Camelson’s Realtors. Rosewood had a black wrought iron gate with an archway that stated the School’s name in cursive. Rosewood had a lot of property and it was covered in snow. Not even half of it was trampled on yet. The kids were spread out in various places. We had the younger kids k-3 playing in the snow together closer to the entrance, 4th and 5th graders were huddling together for warmth near the school doorways, 6-8 were all gossiping with each other on the left lawn and 9-12 graders were behind the school doing god knows what. The school itself was made out of bricks and was part of it was covered in ivy. It looked like one of those uppity schools that you read in books and see on tv where those schools are mysterious and hold deep, dark, sinister secrets.The main building was 7 stories high. One floor for the lobby, principal’s office, tech support, cafeteria, kitchen and gym was. That was the first floor when you got into the school. Basement level is underneath the entire school but you could only get to it through secret passageways throughout the school and on school property. Second floor was for the kindergartners with their own art and music rooms. Third floor was for the first grade, fourth floor was for second grade, fifth floor was for third grade, sixth floor was for fourth grade, and the seventh floor was for the fifth grade. The second building attached to the main one on the right had three stories. First floor was for sixth grade, the second floor was for seventh grade and the third floor was for eighth grade. There was a third building attached to the main one on the left that had four floors. First floor was for ninth grade, second floor was for tenth grade, third floor was for eleventh grade, and the fourth floor was for the twelfth grade. There was a building in the back that was like fifty feet from the school that I assumed was the boarding section. They also had three playgrounds in the back. They also had a sports shed with a neon orange roof over on the far right of the school. There were also a lot of spirits roaming about the school property, some staff members others were children as young as five- eighteen.

The school also had a brick interior and red and white tiles on the floor. My school day started like any other day. I had breakfast, and I went to my main teacher’s room for the majority of my classes. Her name was Mrs. Lameire. Out of all my time at Rosewood She was the nicest teacher I ever had. The majority of teachers there were cruel and ruthless. Rich kids were always the favorites. Anyone with grades lower than a C, people that were too mentally disturbed to the point of causing disruptions in the class, people that were late to class for even a minute, and just because were met with cruel and unusual punishments. Kids were locked in the rundown gym bathrooms during their hallucinations. I remember hearing about this one girl in the boarding section getting locked in the sports shed in the damp cold being starved and forced to lick up the water that was given to her on the ground. All because the staff wasn’t feeding one of her friends so she stole some food before it was made in the kitchen to give to her. Thankfully her friend got to eat before she got caught. Turns out Mrs. Lameire was a rare one. Towards the end of fourth grade she actually got out of Rosewood and got a new teaching job at Greengrove High for the seniors in English. That’s not something a lot of teachers and unfortunately a lot of students could say. A decent handful of teachers were former students at Rosewood, K-12 and lived in the boarding section all their school life only to finally leave for college and get out of that wretched place only to come back and be stuck at Rosewood once more. Unfortunately a lot of the students would share the same fate. I feel bad for the younger kids who live at the school too. It’s all they’re going to know. We have this saying in Maplehood for the people of Rosewood with a darker meaning. “You may leave Rosewood but Rosewood will never leave you. After all, all paths will eventually lead back to Rosewood”…..

It didn’t get interesting until after lunch. Just on my first day I witnessed seven fist fights, this was all at Lunch. At my old school a lot of kids would have gotten expelled that day. What I found strange was that these weren’t just school fights….these were…almost fights to the death. These were brutal. I saw one kid almost die because he got beaten into a bloody pulp. Luckily he turned tail and fled to the nurses office. I also found it weird that there were no teachers to pull the fighting kids apart. They either turned the other cheek, cheered them on or made bets on who would win under the table. It really was survival of the fittest here. The last fight of the day was heading towards me. I felt my arm being pulled out of the way and I was out of the direction of the fight. I looked next to me. There was a strange boy with short black hair and a darker tan complexion than me and brown eyes.

“Thank you”, I said.

“No problem”, said the strange boy who pulled me away.

We stayed silent for what seemed like forever before the strange boy spoke again.

“My name is Horacio Galloway”, said the strange boy finally introducing himself

“Tabby Anderson”, I said slowly, suspicious of this kid.

“I’ve never seen you before, you’re new here?”

“This kid is trying to size me up. To see what he could get away with”, I said in thought before I actually spoke. “Yeah I am”

He nodded thoughtfully for a minute before speaking, “You know you could use someone to show you the ropes here of how things work around here. You could use a friend”.

I just looked at him and stared into his eyes for a long time. Although I was thankful for what he did and he was right I could use a friend. Two is always better than one. But….not him. He just made me uncomfortable. He just didn’t feel like a good person. He had this dark, cold, evil aura around him. I saw major red flags with this kid. I didn’t want any part of that. If I wanted a friend I would want one to be a real and loyal friend. Someone who is trustworthy and a good person in the bigger picture. He wasn’t it.

This time my intuition was right.

“No”, I said.

He looked at me like he couldn’t believe what I said. He wasn’t used to someone telling him no. “I’m sorry…did you just say no?…” he got menacing closer to me trying to corner me.

“So he’s controlling and manipulative. Just as I suspected”, I said in thought as I was being backed up into the corner of a wall in the cafeteria.

“Yeah that’s right. I said no”, I still stood my ground.

“Are you sure you want to go down this road?”, he asked threateningly as he cornered me.

I do one of two things when I’m scared I either lie my ass off or I attack and I’m hitting. I chose the second option. Obviously this kid isn’t capable of listening to reason. So maybe he’ll get it through a punch in the face to get him to back off. I dealt with this from my step dad, there’s absolutely no way I was going to put up with that bullshit from anyone else.

“Yeah I’m sure” I said and I decked him square in the face.

He staggered back a little and he looked genuinely shocked that someone would dare to hit him. Apparently he wasn’t used to anyone standing up to him and not falling for his bullshit. He was angry and he charged at me full force to attack me back. I moved out of the way so her ran smack into the wall knocking himself backwards.Other kids laughed and ooohhhed at us. He didn’t like to be humiliated. Other kids ignored us and minded their own business. Some of the teachers smirked at us and looked on with amusement, waiting to see what would happen next. Other teachers just ignored us. Either way no one stepped in. He got back up and was really in a blind rage now. He tried to attack me once more. I remember what my step dad told me when getting into a fight. Use my opponent’s momentum to my advantage since i’m so small. Use every body part you can in a fight. Never let up. If you get knocked down, get back up as fast as you can. Use all of your body weight to pin someone down in a fight. Horatio charged at me and I turned to move out of the way and I grabbed his arm. I put my right leg behind his and pivoted so I could push him into the wall face first. I made him hit his head hard. I twisted his arm behind his back, kept my leg behind his and I used my entire body weight to keep him pinned against the wall.

“Look, get this and get this now. I am not afraid of you. You can not manipulate me or control me. I’m not the one who can be broken or controlled. Understand?”

After a few moments I let him go. He dropped to the floor and I backed away breathing heavily. It took all of my strength to do that. He got back up and he glared at me as he walked away. That was the first time I actually stood up for myself against someone who is just like my step dad. I may not have made him bleed and cry but at least I got him to turn tail and run away like the little bitch he is. For the first time in forever I actually felt surprisingly good about myself. I spent the rest of my day in a good mood.

Until it became the end of the school day.

I survived my first day at Rosewood. I was getting my stuff and preparing to walk home. Until I caught sight of a ghost out of the corner of my eyes. It was a milky white mist. It was a little boy who looked deathly scared. He couldn’t have been no more than six. He had short blonde hair and glasses and was wearing the standard Rosewood uniform. A white long sleeved shirt, a black belt and tan khakis. He also looked like he was lost and confused….like he knew he was dead but he didn’t know what to do next. He made eye contact with me but you could tell that he wasn’t….all there…even before he died. The little ghost boy made eye contact with me. He then walked through the janitor’s closet that was like 10ft down the hall and disappeared. I tried to walk away but something inside of me told me to follow him. I’m not the one to ignore intuition but I knew that I wouldn’t like what I would see. I looked to make sure no one was looking and I followed.

I went into the janitor’s closet and tried to quietly make my way through the cluttered mess of cleaning supplies. It was a quiet hallway so any unnecessary noise would have drawn attention to myself. I made my way to the back of the closet and there was a little doorway in the wall. It was slightly ajar, suggesting that it’s been used recently. I cautiously opened it up not really sure what to expect. The doorway led to a secret passageway that seemed to spiral down towards the basement level area. I head down the passageway with my bag in tote.

I reached one of the entrances of the basement and nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. I stood frozen as my freeze response took over. I saw Horatio just standing there with a kid slumped over. The kid couldn’t be no more than six and strangely enough the kid looked like the little ghost boy that I saw not that long ago. Horatio made eye contact with me and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t fight him because I didn’t think there was anything worth fighting about since the damage has been done and fighting wouldn’t bring him back and I saw no reason to go along with the situation since there was nothing to go along with, so I did the only sensible thing I could do. I ran for it. I ran straight out of there.

I kept running and I stopped and sat down outside Rosewood’s gates and I broke down. This is what Rosewood was. I just had my first taste of Rosewood. There was violence and torture everywhere. So many mentally unhinged kids that don’t belong in that setting. Adults who enabled or ignored everything that went on instead of doing their jobs as responsible adults to protect us. This sinister place really was the top of the top survival of the fittest. If I were to stay that means that I would have to fight two wars on two different fronts. I mean, I’ve been doing that anyways but Maplehood Creek Elementary school is VERY different from Rosewood Prep. Compared to Rosewood, Maplehood Creek Elementary was a fucking daycare center. My step dad was right…there was no way that I would survive Rosewood for long….there was no way that I could survive both Rosewood AND home….so I made my decision.

“Hey, are you okay?”, I heard a strange voice say that sounded like whomever it was was getting closer to me.

I looked up with my red, tear stained face to see a strange, tall, lanky, ginger girl that would become my best friend, walking towards me. She was the prettiest person that I have ever seen. She had long beautiful auburn red, pale skin that had freckles across the bridge of her nose and cheeks, and she had stormy gray eyes which I later discovered that they fluctuate between stormy gray and emerald green. I coward in my spot in a defensive, protective position because I didn’t know what she would do to me. She was also in her Rosewood uniform. She was wearing a the white tee shirt and red and black plaid skirt with her red and white converse. What was she doing here after school? She sat down next to me.

“ Relax, I’m not going to hurt you. My name is Autumn Lemmory. I promise I’m not like the other students here at Rosewood. I saw you sitting here and crying so I wanted to see if you were okay”, she tilted her head to the right and she had a kind and concerned voice.

Warily I uncurled myself and was sitting like a normal person. She was so nice, like she genuinely cared. That was something I haven’t seen or had in a long time.

“ T-Tabby Anderson and n-no I’m not o-okay”, I said between sniffles and hiccups as that’s what happens when I cry for a long time.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, the ginger girl asked softly.

I just looked at her and I turned into a blubbering crying mess again. I wasn’t used to this level of concern and kindness. I told her about how I was new here and that it was my first day at Rosewood. I told her about what I saw what happened to the mentally ill kids who acted out in class, the fights I saw, how I met this boy Horatio Galloway and how he threaten me when I stood up to him, I beat him in a fight, and how I just saw Horatio tourture some poor six year old boy.

She stayed silent and listened. She held me and petted my hair for comfort. She just nodded her head and she didn’t judge me like I thought she would. In fact she didn’t even look surprised as if it was an everyday occurrence. To which I cried even more because I haven’t had this much kindness, level of concern, comfort, and affection in a long time.

“I’m sorry you had to see that on your first day, It can be a lot for someone who isn’t used to it. But you get desensitized quick the longer you stay here. That type of stuff happens extremely often here unfortunately. There’s always someone dying here at Rosewood whether its a teacher or student”, said Autumn sadly.

As much as I was enjoying the affection I had to pull away before I made it more awkward for the both of us.

“You said all of that like you’ve been here for a long time. How long have you been here?”, I asked

“A year now. I came here in the third grade”, she sighed exasperated.

“You know and hate Horatio too?”, I asked.

“Everyone who goes to Rosewood knows who he is. He is the richest, problematic, evil, and popular kid in school. He’s scarily smart too. Everyone hates him but they’re too scared to say or do anything about it since he can easily ruin their lives outside of Rosewood or make their lives a living hell. I’m honestly surprised that you met him on your first day. He must have taken an interest in you and you had the guts to stand up to him, fight him, and actually won”, Autumn said amazed.

“Yeah I did. In case you haven’t noticed I’m not like other people”, I said

Autumn laughed and it was a beautiful sound like all of my pain and troubles melted away immediately for a short time.

“I can see that”

She then took a good look at me, and stood up.

“I can tell that you’re a good person and you look like you can use a friend. In fact your chances of survival would greatly increase if you had one or two people in your corner at all times. Especially if you’re dealing with Horatio and since you actually won against Horatio for now he’s especially going to have it out for you all the time. But don’t worry, he really is a coward and won’t bother you too often if you’re with a group of people. So I want you to promise me something”.

“Hm?”

“Promise me that you’ll come back here tomorrow and find me. I have a few people that I’d like you to meet. I’d think you’d like them and they would like you. Now come on it’s not good to be here for longer than necessary. I’ll walk you home”, she said as she gave me the exact same sweetest, kindest smile that she gave me earlier and she held out her hand as an offer to help me up.

I gave her a good long look. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t plan on even being alive come tomorrow. However, she showed me kindness, compassion, and understanding. That’s something I haven’t had in a long time. She was the only one at first to stand by me and not against me. She actually wanted to be my friend willingly. She wanted to help and that damn smile though. It was that smile that gave me hope and suddenly I didn’t want to die as much anymore.

“I will. I promise”, I said as I gave a small smile and I took her hand and we walked home together and for the first time in forever I had hope and something to look forward to tomorrow.

And I always keep my promises.

The next day I met the first people that would become the only form of a family that I have. There were four other people. Heath Yazheimer, Mitchel Brooks, Donnie SanMaria, and Rebecca Bea. Mitchel and Rebecca were the rich kids and Heath, Donnie, Autumn and I were the poor kids. I was the youngest in the group at first but I quickly became the ring leader. I mean someone had to keep their dumbasses in line. Then I became the second youngest as my family grew and by seventh grade I had my entire family. They really were the best of me.

After a year of Rosewood my parents got tired of my telling them about the awful shit that kept happening. They didn’t believe me and they said that I was lying and being paranoid. Of course I got punished by my step dad for telling the truth. My mom however was concerned about how often they deemed that I was making this shit up. So my mom scrambled to get enough money and pay for my first psychiatrist that I had. I was ten.

His name was Dr. Kutz. He worked at a place downtown that was red and beige called Where the Wind Blows. There were two psychiatrists that worked there. Him and a woman called Dr. Gina. Dr. Kutz worked upstairs and Dr. Gina worked downstairs.

But anyways back to Dr. Kutz. I can honestly say that he was one of the few therapists that I actually liked. I hate therapists and Doctors in general because they can’t do their damn jobs right and do diagnoses correctly. It took seven years to get the diagnoses I have now. But anyways. He was kind, taught me how to play chess and he got the diagnoses right the first time. I was diagnosed with anxiety and paranoia which was understandable considering the shit that went on at home and Rosewood. He put me on medication for my anxiety and paranoia but I gradually stopped taking them because they made me too mellow and my mind was always fuzzy. That’s not good for surviving Rosewood where you have to be constantly alert and ready to fight at any time. I told him everything that happened at Rosewood and I can tell that he didn’t believe me and he was just listening to humor me. Still it was nice to have someone who actually listens to you for once. I told him what went on at home but I told him not to do anything about the abuse because that would affect Adam in the long run and he’s already a bright and good boy. Even at one. Everyone needs a dad. Mom wouldn’t be able to take care of him with how much she works so that would leave me to take care of him. I could barely take care of myself as it was and I was so unfit to be a mother. Although Dr. Kutz didn’t like my decision, he respected it.

The reason why I stopped seeing him was because my mom and step dad deemed that I wasn’t getting anywhere on my so-called “issues” that my mom and step dad deemed that I had. So we moved on to therapist number two, Dr. Gina. I was eleven.

We still went to the same place where Dr. Kutz was only staying downstairs. I didn’t like her at all. She just seemed too fake to me. She didn’t care about what I had to say and she just wanted a paycheck. She also did countless misdiagnoses. ADD, ADHD, ODD, which I didn’t have either. I have been on and off so many medications for these misdiagnoses that I didn’t need. I even developed a twitch in my left eye because of the medications that I didn’t need. It only flares up when my anxiety is sky high.

The only “good” thing she did was call the CPS when she found out that I was getting abused by my step dad after she grilled me on it and I fucking cracked under preassure and after I begged her not to. She said that she was a mandatory reporter and that she had to.

That didn’t go over too well for me. Unfortunately they found no substantial evidence. My step dad used the fact that I did get into a lot of fights at school which was true. I always came home with more bruises and scars and I went in with more. Eventually they dropped the case and left. He was still there. I felt bad because it was Adam’s first birthday too. So I caught hell for that and for the fact that I tried to rat him out. So not only did I get a whole lot of beatings but also sleep deprivation and corporal punishment. Those two got added on as extra punishment that year and that became a standard punishment. Lack of sleep and a brutal exercise regime with very little to no water breaks and I wasn’t even fed for that week. So yeah.

Another incident like that happened while I was changing for gym class at Rosewood. Where the gym teacher saw a big ass bruise on the side of my rib cage and she called CPS again. And I got the SAME punishment.

However, everything evened out eventually. I got a handle on life at Rosewood. I got good at switching on and off battles. I was established as a straight A student and I was gradually becoming a good fighter. I had my friends to help me through and we protected each other and took on shit for each other. Autumn and I had this spot at Rosewood. It was in the beginning of the woods. It was a small clearing that was well hidden so no one else at Rosewood bothered us and it wasn’t too deep in the woods where we could get lost either. It was perfect and if anything were to happen the boarding section was fifty feet from us since our spot was behind the boarding section. So we could have easily run there. We would stay after school for like 20 minutes or a couple of hours. Whatever I could swing for the day. She would patch up my scars and bruises after school when I got into a fight or after I got a beating from my step dad the next day. After that we would just talk and hang out. It was our way of taking a breather. I could really be myself around her. She basically became my human diary. We were close.

We also had 4 others join our family too in those 3 years. Emmy Leonard, Emma Quelle, Ghavin Ramirez, and Laura Plummon. My friends made my life more bearable. They and Adam were my main motivation for living. I thought everything would become more manageable.

Little did I know how fucked up everything would become.

I just turned twelve. It was two months after I turned twelve. It was August 22 to be exact. I was getting ready to head into seventh grade. It was one of the hottest days of summer yet. I-I don’t remember exactly what I did to piss off my step dad so bad. I do remember however, going three days of no sleep when my insomnia wore off after two weeks and the brutal corporeal regiment that he had me on. I guess on the third day he finally took some form of pity on me and he had me do jumping jacks. That doesn’t sound bad right?

Well since they were the easiest things out there to do he commanded me to do more and go faster. We had this downstairs neighbor. She wasn’t a good person. She was loud, obnoxious, and sold drugs. We lived in that type of neighborhood and refused to take care of the two kids she had. A boy and a girl no more than 6 and 9. We lived in an old apartment so the floors and walls were pretty thin. The woman yelled at us through the floor. “Hey could you keep it down? You’re being too loud!”.

That was my step dad’s breaking point. He was already pissed with me as it is and the neighbor made it worse. He snapped his head up and I saw something snap inside of him. I was used to his anger but this was….different. it was this cold, unrestrained, unrelenting, calculating, suffocating, darker anger. And suddenly on that hot summer day the room was freezing cold. I never felt more scared in my life.

My step dad ran into the kitchen. I followed him frantically repeating the question of what are you doing? He grabbed a regular kitchen knife from the knife holder we had. He told me to wait here and to stay put.

I was afraid at this stage when I was 12. Not knowing what he’d do to me in that state if i dared disobeyed and I wasn’t going to test that. I did as I was told. It was deathly quiet. 5 minutes has passed, 10, 20, 30, 45, an hour, two hours has passed at this point and I began to feel nervous because if he did kill her it shouldn’t take 2 full hours to do so. Where was he? What if something happened to him? What if he’s the one who got killed? How would I explain that to the police? My mother? My little brother? I couldn’t. So against what I was told and my Intuition I went downstairs to where the first apartment was. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. Honestly I should have just stayed where I was.

I stood in the doorway as the freeze instinct took over. I wasn’t exactly sure whether or not I should have ran, fought him or gone along with the situation. I remember feeling too much in shock to feel anything at the time. I saw the dead corpse all bloodied and mutilated and beginning to rot with how hot it was. I knew death happened to everybody and I was quite familiar with it at Rosewood. There was always someone dying there every week. But it’s a whole other thing when you see death first hand for the first time.

My step dad was just standing there staring at the body as if he can’t believe what he had done. He and his knife were covered in blood. He eventually noticed me standing at the doorway and ordered me to help clean up the evidence. I couldn’t run otherwise I would have died that day too. I couldn’t fight him in that state, I wasn’t strong or smart enough to. So I went along with the situation and helped clean up the best I could.

Later on that night when my mom and little brother got home and went to sleep. My step dad and I went back downstairs and put the dead body in my mother’s trunk and my step dad drove us off to Fairfield Park. All the way back by the willow tree where the dirt was fresh and no one would see us. He ordered me to dig the grave for the woman while he supervised. I dug and dug. I came out of shock slightly but that’s because my anxiety and paranoia were sky high about being caught and I could’ve sworn that I felt something watching me from the woods surrounding Fairfield. But my step dad just told me to ignore it, say it was just my paranoia, and reassuring me that we wouldn’t get caught. I believed him at the time.

The reason why I went with the situation and everything that he’s put me through over the years was because I thought that if I showed that I was loyal and still stuck by him then it would show that I was worthy of being his friend again and he would stop. That year I just wanted everything to stop. Horatio, Rosewood, the abuse I recieved from my step dad, everything. But nothing ever stopped. I knew that there was no going back to any form of normal after what we did but I thought that this would prove my loyalty to him once and for all and he would just stop. I was wrong.

The next two days after the incident I finally came to with the full realization of what I did. I took the two kid’s mother away from them. Sure they were spoiled brats and just rotten kids in general but that was still their mother. They had every right to a mother and me and my step dad took that away from them in the most brutal way possible. That wasn’t fair to the kids. I began to cry and my step dad called me a pathetic bitch and that I shouldn’t feel sorry because I made the Choice to help him. Which makes me just as much of a murderer as he is. I’m just as guilty. He also threatened to kill me, my mom, my little brother Adam, and all of my friends if I ever dared told anyone about what we did. And he would find out. After witnessing what he did that night I wasn’t going to take that bluff. So I suffered in silence and haven’t told a soul about what I did to this day.

Twelve was the worst year ever for me. I’m not saying that to be cliche and over dramatic. Seventh grade was a real dark time for me and I have legitimate reasons for that. I still had that murder event fresh in my head so I was a little more broken after that. I became more of a broken quiet after that. I was so happy to see my friends again. At least I had them and they were still alive. At least I had a home, love, kindness, acceptance, and understanding with them. My therapist, Michelle didn’t even know about that event and she wasn’t going to. If I told her she would tell and send Adam and I into foster care and be separated. I wasn’t going to let that happen. Even if that meant that I had to suffer.

But, I couldn’t tell them what happened to me that summer. I wasn’t going to put them in harm’s way because I desperately needed someone to talk to about what happened. They didn’t deserve the wrath of my step dad. No one else should have to suffer what I suffered. I didn’t want to get them killed because of my selfishness. That wouldn’t be fair to them after all they’ve done for me. Not only that but what if I did tell them? Then what? Would they deem me as a monster and a bad person like my step dad did? Would they still want anything to do with me? What if they left me and abandoned me? What would their reactions be? Would they be afraid of me? What if they no longer loved and accepted me for who I was? I couldn’t risk the one good thing I had going for me. I couldn’t have my family taken away for me. I could not be alone again. Everyone knew something was wrong with me and tried talking to me about it. There was no way I could tell them. I never even told Autumn about it and she was my best friend/ older sister. She was my other half. My human diary. We told each other just about everything and anything. That’s saying a lot. Nevertheless I still stayed silent about it.

I guess I pushed them away for a while because we grew a little distant from each other after that. We all had something that we weren’t telling each other. One by one they all left. I had no idea what happened to them at first. I later found out that they went to various mental hospitals around Maplehood and in a couple of towns over. I didn’t know at the time. I thought they all left me for no reason, or worse Horatio got to them and killed them or they died by other means! So I was left to battle Rosewood and Horatio myself.

Home wasn’t any better either. My mom and step dad were arguing and yelling constantly. Yet despite that he never once raised a finger to her. It was just me that he hit. The arguments were always all about me about what to do with me. You can imagine the amount of added stress I was under. What if they argued so much that they broke up and he would leave? Then that means I would be responsible for taking care of Adam. I’m not a good influence and I’m an awful person. I’m not fit to be a mother and I don’t want to be the one responsible for his downfall if he goes down that way. Adam was beginning to act out too and he was getting into trouble at daycare and at home. It seemed as though I was losing control of every aspect of my life.

So with constant battles at school and at home and no friends/family. I became vindictive, hateful, and reckless. I let my grades slip because I didn’t care at the time. Life was meaningless to be and I honestly thought that I would not survive that year with how reckless I was. Which resulted in some cruel and unusual punishments from the teachers. Mainly I was just locked up in isolation. Not so bad. I knew other kids who had it worse than I did. I also got into a lot of fights that year too. But that was because I went against my own rules about fights. I never start fights, I only finish them. Except that year I went out of my way to start and get into fights and I won most of them. I was brutal and violent. Instead of following Rosewood’s weird fight code about only fighting until one or both opponents are knocked out I would fight until they were knocked out and then just continue to pound into them until they were almost a bloody pulp. I could never bring myself to kill them. I just didn’t have it in me to do so. Even Horatio, who would go out of his way to start shit with me, only started shit twice and then he knew better and stayed the fuck away from me that year. I even learned how to knife fight that year.

I remember my most reckless night. It was the one that finally made me snap out of it. It was April. My mom was out of town, she was with my uncle Max in Indiana to try to help him get custody of his kid because his ex wife is a money hungry and power hungry hoe. He wanted me to go over to his house every night and check up on his cats. That was my job, he gave me the keys and everything. So it was just my step dad, Adam and I. It was one of those nights where he forced me to stay up late. After a long and violent argument I told him exactly how I felt.

“YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE AMOUNT OF PAIN AND FEAR THAT I LIVE UNDER ON TOP OF ROSEWOOD. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FIGHT TO SURVIVE AND WAITING EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY HOPING THAT YOU’D DIE!!!”, I yelled not caring who heard or what he’d do next.

He just looked at me in a mixture of shock and amusement. I just gave him the most pissed off and hateful look up to date, breathing heavily.

“Is that what you want now is it?”, he asked, raising an eyebrow and had his hands on his hips.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I made direct eye contact with him and stood in a position that said I was standing my ground.

He nodded and quietly made his way over to where we keep our knives. Mom bought new knives not that long ago so they were still relatively sharp. He took a regular sized kitchen knife and put it into my hand. He went back to where he was standing. I looked at the knife and then back at him.

“Take your shot”, he stated simply as he held out his arms.

I just stared at him like he was crazy and in fear. There was no way he was serious. He was testing me. There was no way I could carry out his murder. How would I explain it to the cops? How would I explain it to my mom? How would I explain it to Adam? That I took away his father because I was selfish enough to do so. He would hate me forever. I didn’t want that. I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I did carry out his murder.

Still what if? I mean he was wide open. Fair game. Would I let this opportunity pass me by? It would be sweet revenge for me with all the shit he did to me. A few good stabs in the right vital places and half of my problems would be gone. I could finally start healing a little.

I turned the knife into the right position as I would with a fight and I took two steps forward. That was the end of that for me. I never saw him move so quick. The next thing I knew the knife was out of my hands and I was on the floor with him on top of me banging my head on the floor and choking me. Along with a few blows to my body.

“YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!! DID YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH KILLING ME?! ME?! IF YOU TRY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!!! I WILL KILL YOU AND I’LL MAKE SURE THAT THEY’LL NEVER FIND YOUR BODY!!!”, he screamed at me.

He then let me go and I coughed as I tried to catch my breath and rolled over to my side and sat up. I was in a bit of a daze from the blows to the head. He then dropped Uncle Max’s keys into my lap.

“Hurry up and get over to his house to check up on the cats. After that you can go to bed as soon as you get home. You have school in the morning and I don’t want to deal with your ass anymore tonight”.

I whimpered in response as my whole body hurt and screamed at me to stop moving. I got up and staggered towards the door, closing it behind me.

Uncle Max lived North of Maplehood Creek where the upper middle class generally resigned. It was an hour walk to his house and as you kept walking the road became more isolated, wide and winding and houses became less and less frequent. There were woods surrounding either side of the road. He lived on Applewood Drive because there was an apple orchard near his house. So picture this, it’s about two in the morning. You see a beaten, bloody, bruised, and scrawny twelve year old girl staggering around by herself with nothing to arm herself with. To me that just screams for trouble. So, potentially I could have been murdered, no one would be able to hear my screams and my body would probably be never found. Sounds fun right?

I don’t know why, of all nights a piece of information that I’ve long forgotten about came back to me. I once heard long ago back in fifth grade from a couple of seniors. There were short cuts all over in the woods that helped you get from one town to another without walking for so long and what a coincidence one of the shortcuts started where I was and it would lead me close to Uncle Max’s house. All I had to do was head into the woods on my left side and pay attention to the beaten path I would be on since it was dark out. I really thought about it. It would almost be suicide going into the woods, by myself, at night, close to two in the morning, un armed and I wasn’t in the best physical condition to fight in case something were to happen. That’s how you die in the horror movies, it was common sense. However, all I really wanted was some form of sleep and at that point in my life my sense of nihilism was so great I honestly did not care if I died or not. So, I did the most reckless thing I could do. I abandoned all fuking common sense and I ran into the woods.

I don’t know what came over me…I guess it was just a mixture of everything. Hiding my first body, losing my friends, Horatio being relentless and ruthless, my parents arguing, the abuse getting worse, seeing my entire life that I knew falling apart right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. My hatred, anger, lack of coping, confusion, lost, sadness, fear, and hurt were all too much to bear. I just broke down and started sobbing grossly and uncontrollably and I started running. I guess I was making an attempt to run away from my problems. I was just so pissed off and overwhelmed I just started punching every tree I could that was in my path.

“I LOST EVERYTHING!!! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT!!!”

“THE ONLY FORM OF A FAMILY I HAD!!! THEY ALL LEFT”

“MY HOME LIFE FUCKING SUCKS IM TIRED OF LIVING WITH THE FEAR AND ABUSE AND THE CHAOS!!! I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO STOP!!!”

“I. HATE. ROSEWOOD. I’M TIRED OF FIGHTING TO SURVIVE I JUST WANT OUT”

“I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE OR HAVE A RESET, REDUE, SECOND CHANCE PLEASE!”

“SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY! OR GIVE ME A SIGN…ANYTHING?! COME OUT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN COWARDS!”

“….help”

I said finally as I slid down a tree with my bloody knuckles and I pulled up my knees to my chest and I just finished crying. Eventually I ran out of tears and I continued on with my journey and I finally did what I was supposed to, got back home and I got at least one hour of sleep before I had to get up for school. Thankfully nothing bad happened and I honestly didn’t know what I would have done if something did happen.

The beginning of my twelve year old year was really fucking rough and brutal. I’ve tried so many suicide attempts that I’ve lost count. In fact most of my scars are from self harm. The reason why I’m still alive is because if you actively try to commit suicide statistically speaking there’s an 85% chance that you won’t succeed so there’s that. Towards the end of my twelve year old year got so much better. I eventually came to the realization that I could control my grades again. I thought that if I could just distract myself long enough and get my grades back up to my usual straight A student status then everything else would fall back into place eventually. And it did. I buried myself in my school work to bring up my grades and to even get back ahead, my step dad bothered me a little less since I was focusing on school, my parents stopped arguing for the most part, Adam was back on the right path again and my friends came back to me one by one. We even had five new additions to our family. Morgan Tatiano, Julie Bostons, Jewel Ingles, CJ Vargos, and last but not least Shawn Bishop. After that my family was pretty set in stone.

Hell I even met my step dad’s oldest son from a previous relationship before he met my mom. His name was Michael Timothy Mulleney III. He was three years older than I was. So he was fifteen at the time. I was really happy because it was on my bucket list to meet at least one of his other kids and it was so cool to meet him. Over time however, he proved to be just like his dad. He would join in when my step dad picked on me. He was a delinquent to say the least. He was already in so much debt and over the last five years he’s had so many petty charges against him, continues to do stupid shit, miss too many court dates, violating probation rules twice, and had a warrant in a different county. He eventually got himself into prison for three years when I was seventeen.

Adam knew about it right away because I told him since no one else was going to. My parents were furious with what I did. I’m sorry but I don’t believe in withholding information. I think it is unnecessarily cruel to deny someone knowledge when they ask for it. Besides he was going to find out sooner or later. They couldn’t keep it from him forever. I’d much rather have him know sooner than later. Despite Michael being just like his dad there were times where all of us were like actual siblings and I really do miss him overall.

Thirteen was a really great year for me. Probably one of the few years that I would actively choose to go back to. I had a really great therapist named Heidi and on thursdays we did horse therapy since she owned a ranch too, which was always fun. I was also diagnosed with OCD with my cleaning because I discovered that as long as I was being productive he ignored me when he was angry for the most part. Which resulted in less beatings. As soon as he got angry or came out of his room I began cleaning and I did it quickly, quietly and efficiently. My method worked half of the time. It just became obsessive and compulsive. Now it’s just routine. I was also diagnosed with Insomnia when I told her about my sleep schedule or lack thereof and she finally made the doctors do something about it and prescribe me medication. I stopped taking the medication since it wasn’t working anyways and my step dad kept fucking around with what sleep schedule I was trying to establish by keeping me up for days on end when I didn’t have to and my insomnia wasn’t used to my advantage. I figured if I went this long managing it without medication I could do it some more and it would be easier to do so.

I came up with a lot of good realizations at thirteen. One being who cares what other people say and think about me. As long as I know the truth about myself that’s all that matters. Another one being is that life is not guaranteed especially in my case with life at Rosewood and at home. It’s so tiring to be hateful all the time and I was already tired as it was from lack of sleep, insomnia, and narcolepsy. I had to save my energy for fights at Rosewood and at home to ensure my own survival and the survival of others. Besides was that the way I really wanted to go out when my time comes? No. The only thing I ask for when my death comes is for it to be quick and painless. That’s it. My favorite thing that I learned was to say fuck it. Life is too short and if I was going to get punished for no reason I might as well go all out, go big or go home and have fun while I can. If I’m going to get punished then at least I got something out of it. I learned to live a little and sneak out.

It was so fun. Slightly dangerous because there’s at least two kids wandering around on the back roads at night at ungodly hours but it was still fun. At least Autumn and I would plan at lunch to sneak out later on at night. Other members of our gang were welcome to join but oftentimes none of them would remember to sneak out of their houses at the established times. So it was almost always just Autumn and I. That’s how I became more stealthy because of sneaking out constantly. Autumn showed me how to use the back roads so I’m now able to get all over town without being seen for the most part. We would just walk and talk about anything and everything, we would joke around and have fun. I felt so free when we snuck out at night and when I was with her. We could just be ourselves and be teenagers for once. We could be happy, and just forget everything for a while. We didn’t have to worry about surviving the next day, home, Rosewood, Horatio. ect…It was nice to be free for a couple of hours. The best part was that it pissed off my step dad so much because he knew I snuck out but he has absolutely no proof that I have been. It’s fun watching him struggle to justify my punishments.

The best part about sneaking out was always on New Years Eve. That was the only time the entire gang made it a point to sneak out all together. We had this spot in the woods that was abandoned but it was safe since I trusted them and Autumn. Either Autumn or I would bring some form of booze since both of our families had at least one bottle of liquor around. We would pass the booze to each other and sing along to songs we knew and we would just celebrate another year of surviving Rosewood, we were all alive and in one piece and we all still had each other. That was good enough for us. This was our tradition from 13-16.

Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen were pretty much smooth sailing more or less. Everything plateaued out. At fourteen I had Dr. Rachel and she had the doctors diagnosed me with narcolepsy once Dr. Rachel discovered that my sleeping habits were more than just insomnia. I was prescribed medication for that too but I stopped taking that as well because it wasn’t working. Fifteen I was diagnosed with non verbal learning disorder. Which means I can’t pick up on social cues very well. This was by Dr. Collins, she was okay I guess. Sixteen I had Dr. Baxter but he wasn’t much use because I felt as though I didn’t have any major issues to talk about aside from the ones I grew up with but I learned better coping mechanisms and my issues and my issues were more manageable. There was nothing else to talk about and he seemed very annoyed by that.

I Even got a job at a restaurant called This or That. It was a typical family style restaurant and I worked in the back of the kitchen from fourteen through a quarter of the way through seventeen. I started to put aside money for Adam in a bank account so that way when he is old enough he has a lump sum of money that’s all his. Hopefully he uses to get the fuck out of Maplehood. I even started to put aside money for myself so I can buy a bus ticket and get the fuck out of Maplehood myself and start a whole new life when I was old enough.

Of course the abuse continued and so did my fighting, survivalist life at Rosewood but I had my friends or more like my family to help me through it. We all helped each other. They were my main motivation for living besides Adam. Honestly if I never had met them I’d probably be dead or a more vicious and violent person than what I am if my step dad had his way. They taught me what family, kindness, compassion, love, home, and acceptance was. I wouldn’t have known what that was if I never met them. I can never repay them for what they did I owe them everything. Including my life and I knew they would do the same for me.

I just never knew that that would be put to actual use one day.

It was September 28.It…was homecoming day. The days following homecoming was spirit week. One of the only times where Rosewood was actually a normal school. Friday was Rosewood pride. Where we celebrate Rosewood and the sports teams. Hell it was one of the rare times I actually wore the skirt part of the uniform. At the end of the day we would have the pep rally with all these competitions. It was actually quite fun. Later on that night Rosewood would have it’s own homecoming show and a dance with a theme to match. At Rosewood homecoming is a different theme every year. This year was carnival themed. Which I didn’t like as it is because I have a severe distrust of clowns. Too many horror movies growing up you know? On top of the fact I wasn’t exactly big on school functions, especially at that school. The only reason why I went was because my friends were going with the thought process of “fuck it, it’s our last year here or at least some of us only had a year to go and the least we can do is go to this one and only homecoming and celebrate one last hurrah together” I had the same thought process too. Not only that but since it was basically our last year there it was more important to me than ever to keep them alive since I knew damn well that Horatio would be there being up to god knows what. I was not going to lose them.

The only thing was that I would have to convince my mom and step dad to let me go. That was the hard part. I got up the courage to call my mom knowing that she would be home since it was her day off and my step dad would be home as well like he always is. I asked her if I could go to homecoming. That resulted in a huge ass argument between my mom and step dad.

“She’s a bad influence especially if she’s with those heathens she calls her friends!”, he yelled

I physically cringed.

“She’s seventeen now. She’s gone through her entire life having very little to no social interactions. She’s never been to at least one school function before and she’s a senior now, this is her last year there I’m sure that we can spare her this one event”, my mom argued back.

“You know she’s incapable of making good decisions! How can we be so sure that she won’t get into one of those fights that she always gets into or worse she may end up accidentally killing someone!”

“She’s a human! She’s troubled but she’s not a monster or demon child that you make her out to be! And besides, her therapist says that she needs more social interaction. This would be the perfect opportunity for her to get some socialization in a controlled environment and if it makes you feel any better my mother is supposed to come by today and visit. You could stay here with Adam and my mother and I will go with her to supervise. Does that sound fair to you?”, she asked.

Wonderful, they were treating me like a freak experiment. I could hear my step dad huff and storm away on the other side of the phone.

“Tabby”, my mother said in a sing song voice that really pissed me off, “does that sound fair to you?”

“Yeah mom”

“Good we’ll see you when?”

“At six”

The show was from six to eight and the dance was from eight to ten.

“Okay good we’ll see then. I love you”

“Love you too mom, bye”

I hung up the phone and let out a sigh of relief and that’s when all of my friends came up to me.

“So, what did they say?”, prodded Emmy.

“Well after a long argument about letting me go and how much of a bad person that I am and that I’m incapable of making good decisions. My mom decided to let me go with the condition that she and my grandmother would come to supervise”, I said as I rolled my eyes.

“At least you’re able to go”, pointed out Heath.

“Yeah that’s true I really can’t complain. I’m just afraid that since Horatio will be there, I have no idea what he could be planning to do. I mean who knows how he acts at school functions”, I stated.

“Relax Tabby cat. We’ll be right there beside you if anything happens. We won’t let each other out of our sight. We got your back just like you got ours”, grinned Autumn.

I breathe a sigh of relief. They really were the best.

“Thanks guys”

“No problem”, said Autumn, “look we’re going home to get changed into something that’s not Rosewood. We’ll be back”, said Autumn.

“Okay I’ll see you later”

“You don’t want to at least go home and change out of that uniform? I know how much you hate skirts and all”, said Autumn confused.

“Autumn, I never want to go home, you know this. I’d rather put up with slight discomfort, beats going home any day. Besides someone has to stay here and keep an eye on Horatio to make sure that he doesn’t try anything”.

"Okay well do you at least want me to bring you some clothes to change into so you can get out of that skirt at least?“, she asked.

"Nah I’m good besides I don’t want to throw my mom and grandmother into a conniption fit if they see me dressed in clothes that’s not mine or my Rosewood uniform”, I laughed.

Autumn laughed too.

"Fair enough. I’ll see you later"

"See ya"

Autumn left to go catch up with the rest of the gang while I went outside and sat on the curb to wait for my mom and grandma and my friends to show up.

I saw Horacio showing back up and was standing at the entrance dressed as the ringleader handing out pink candies that were laced with LSD (we didn’t know it was laced at the time) to the staff. He claimed that they were homemade and he offered me a piece since I was just sitting there a few feet from him. Everyone who goes to Rosewood should know that it is common knowledge that you do not take anything that Horacio gives you. Whatever it maybe. I didn’t take the candy because I knew better. I was too smart for his bullshit but not smart enough.

By five o clock everyone started showing back up and they all took one or two pieces of candy that he was giving out. I tried to warn everyone but they wouldn’t listen to me. It made my blood boil knowing that he was giving me an arrogant smirk and there was nothing I could do about it. It was getting late and there were still no signs of my friends. Maybe they were running late. Or, maybe I was too busy fighting with Horatio that I didn’t see them come in. Still I couldn’t shake off the growing anxiety and dread that was creeping over me.

At 5:45 my mother and grandmother showed up. I tried to keep them away from Horatio but he was too slick and sickly sweet it made your stomach hurt at how he talked to them. They both seemed pleased and then they looked at me like I was the crazy one that had a problem with him. They took a piece of candy after I warned them not to but they didn’t listen to me either. It seemed as if I was the only one who didn’t take the candy. It was me against them.

We were led to the left side of the building where the high school section was. There was a makeshift stage and chairs all lined up neatly. I still couldn’t find my friend group anywhere. But I knew that they were here so I didn’t worry about it too much and I’ll find them later. They had to be here. They promised that they would and that they would have my back. More importantly I promised that I would have their backs and we don’t break promises. So I got to the seats and watched the show which was quite boring since I wasn’t hallucinating from the candy. But the last act though. It was outside. I saw all my friends lined up on the rooftop of the school and it’s a fucking tall building. While everyone was thinking that they were doing some acrobatic tricks I watched them jump to their deaths one by one….I was screaming and crying begging someone to help but all ignored me and I couldn’t shout because they were too far up to hear me and I couldn’t break into the school either. i couldn’t do anything. later on the LSD wore off and they were mortified to find the 14 dead bodies. all confused on how it happened. So they deemed it the Rosewood Massacre.

After the show was over I confronted Horacio about what he did. I attacked him to strangle him. My goal was to kill him. but the problem was that we’re too evenly matched with each other. in strength and intelligence so it turned out to be a fist fight. we did a good amount of damage to each other. until he caught one of my punches and shoved my fist through a closed window shattering the window and every bone in my hand. i had to get the glass surgically removed as it was deep in the tissue so I can’t feel a thing in my hand anymore and they had to set my hand for the broken bones to heal. But since doctors refused to do their jobs correctly they set it wrong so it healed wrong and now my hand is paralyzed.

My mom let me stay home for the month to let my hand heal and to work through the trauma of what happened at Rosewood. She would bring my school work home to me. Even my step dad was slightly nicer to me. I guess he even took some form of pity on me.

My therapist at the Dr. Consworth wanted me to talk about what happened. She only knew the story that the news put out there. But she doesn’t know the real story of what happened and there’s no way she was going to. She wouldn’t have believed me to begin with and she could never understand the pain I was going through. She did manage however to diagnose me with PTSD so there’s that I guess.

What really made me lose my shit was when my step dad told me to get over it and that I shouldn’t be hurting because it was my fault that they died in the first place. His logic was that if I never showed up then they wouldn’t have died. After all bad shit seems to always happen around me is his belief. I had enough at this point and I stood up and yelled.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! YOU THINK THAT WAS ALL MY FAULT?! MINE?! I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG BUT TRIED TO WARN EVERYONE! I HAD NO IDEA THAT HE WOULD DO THAT?! THIS WAS ALL HORATIO’S FAULT! IT’S BEEN HIS FAULT FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS! I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT PROTECTED, SAVED, LOVE AND CARE FOR MY FRIENDS AND THEY DID THE SAME FOR ME! THEY WERE MORE OF A FAMILY THAN YOU AND MOM WILL EVER BE! AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT?!”, I finished as I was breathing heavily.

He just stared at me in shock. I was so pissed I knew that I would get hurt if I stayed any longer. I knew an outburst like that would result in a beating but I just didn’t care. I lost everything, my sense of home, happiness and the ones I considered family what’s losing my life too?

“YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU!”, I screamed and I stormed out and slammed the door behind me.

I was really in for it now but to tell you guys the truth I honestly didn’t care and I would deal with it when I get back home. Right now I just had to get away and I had some business to take care of. I knew exactly where to go.

I stopped at Maplehood Creek Cemetery and looked for the Rosewood Massacre section since I heard they created a section for the victims in an attempt to honor them. Rumor turned out to be true as I saw twenty five graves with fourteen all lined in a row which were unmistakingly my friends.

I sat down to have a talk with them.

"Hey guys it’s me Tabby. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see you guys sooner I could only do it now", I said tiredly.

I was upset and pissed that they lied to me and broke their promise. But at the same time they never did not once. So maybe they had a good reason to. Maybe Horatio tricked them or something. I don’t know and I guess I never will. They were my family, they did what no one else wanted to do. I owe them everything so I forgave them.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to save you guys. I’m sorry that I failed to protect you. I’m sorry that I failed you not only as a leader but as a friend and as a sister as well. I’m sorry that I didn’t even say goodbye to you and that I love each and everyone of you”.

I paused for a moment.

"However, your deaths won’t go in vain. I will avenge all of you and take down Horatio once and for all. At least I can make Rosewood somewhat safe and make sure no one else has to suffer like we did. That’s a promise".

I stayed silent for a few minutes enjoying the peace and quiet, giving one last look at them before standing up.

"I love all of you goodbye. See you on the other side of the war and I hope to see you later when I get older…", I said softly before walking away and into the shit storm that was waiting for me back at home.

Of course my step dad beat me as soon as I walked in the door. It was payback for what I did earlier. I expected it and I embraced it. I took what was coming to me and I even hoped that this would be the beating that kills me.

It wasn’t and unfortunately I’m still alive.

I laid awake staring blankly up at the ceiling. Thankfully I was able to go to bed early since my step dad decided that he didn’t want to deal with me for the rest of the night. Unfortunately sleep was non existent that night as I was replaying last month’s events. Seeing the ones that I held close jumped to their deaths one by one. Everyone cheering, my own screams of terror. I could still hear the breaking of the glass window as Horacio put my fist through it. My bandaged left hand clenched up as I felt the phantom pain. I tried turning onto my side to look at my alarm clock. I let out a silent yelp as I was in pain from my bruises. My alarm clock read 1:30am. I turned again onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. Mom was going to make me go back to school tomorrow and I am just not ready to survive another day of Rosewood torture and dealing with Horatio myself. I just wasn’t prepared to fight alone again.

Then suddenly it dawned on me like I just got hit with a big pile of bricks. I came up with the realization that If I stayed in Maplehood any longer I would be killed for sure. Either by Horatio, my step dad or myself. One of the three and I can’t die not yet. Not until I avenged my friends and killed Horacio once and for all.

So I did the most sensible thing that I could do. I got up and winced in pain at my bruises. I got dressed and packed up a small bag. With a couple of pictures. One of mom, step dad, older brother and younger brother and I and one class photo in 8th grade that was just me with my now deceased friends and some clothes. I took what money I had saved up in my sock drawer. I was going over a couple of towns to the nearest bus stop and buy a bus ticket and get the fuck out of Maplehood and start my life over somewhere else.

Obviously that didn’t happen or I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Anyways. I snuck out and headed for the woods that were surrounding my backyard. I never felt so free and full of hope before in my life. This time it was me who saved me. I saved myself. I gave myself a second chance at life and I never looked back.

Ever.

#death tw #child abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #mental abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #physical abuse tw #bullying tw #mentions of suicide tw #murder tw #homicide tw #creepypasta #original story #original content #Orginal character #tabby #creepypasta fandom #please reblog #make this popular #make it canon

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