#(( was listening to this song again lately AND THE AUTISM TOOK OVER!! ))

[pinkhairandpokemon]

⚙️

———

Blake and N can be seen, dancing together at what looks like a small backyard party, under the glow of strung up fairy lights. Here, they look a bit older, perhaps late 20s to early 30s at least- Blake’s hair is styled a bit differently, and there’s signs of stubble growing along their chin and jaw. N’s hair is tied up in a bun, and there’s the faint outline of scars decorating his features.

They’re dancing and singing along to “For The Dancing and The Dreaming”, while a small group consisting of some of their friends happily claps along to the music in the background.

🎶“To love and kiss, to sweetly hold, for the dancing and the dreaming,

through all life’s sorrows and delights, I’ll keep your laugh inside me!

I’ll swim and sail on savage seas, with ne’er a fear of drowning,

And gladly ride the waves of life, if you will marry me!”🎶

———

[ataliagold]

I'll Sing Silence

Pairing: Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, background Robin Buckley/Nancy Wheeler

Rating: T

W/C: 2706

Tags: established Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, autistic Steve Harrington, sensory issues, stimming, autistic shutdown, Eddie Munson is a Sweetheart, Eddie Munson Takes Care Of Steve Harrington

Notes: Title from Drinking Song For The Socially Anxious by The Amazing Devil. A lot of this is based off my own experiences with autism, other stuff I've added in.

Summary: A series of unfortunate events leads to a bad day for Steve. Luckily, Eddie's there to take care of him.

___

It was a series of unfortunate events that led to Steve’s meltdown that evening.

First of all, he hadn’t slept well last night which had led to him sleeping through his morning alarm since he’d been so tired, and then he hadn’t had time for a shower before work so he was feeling sweaty and gross, and it was already hot when he stepped outside which led to his clothes sticking comfortably to his skin and he was already upset by the rupture in his morning routine but then Robin was running late and he’d had to sit in the car outside her house and stare anxiously at the minutes ticking by on his watch while his leg jiggled impatiently and then he’d had to pretend everything was fine when Robin asked why he looked so tense…

They were late opening Family Video, late to clock in, and Steve hated being late.

He had a routine, he had a system, and when it was upset it took him a long time to settle again.

But he’d listened to Robin chatter away while they rewound tapes and put them away, murmured non-committed responses and retreated back inside his own head a bit until he started feeling semi-normal again.

Just as he was starting to feel a little better, lunch time had rolled around, and he realized he’d forgotten his lunch in his rush this morning, and he’d stood in the breakroom with his fists clenched and his heart pounding because now he was going to have to rush to Melvalds and try to find something to eat but he wasn’t sure he had enough time and he’d never gone there before during a lunch break, it was out of routine and it shouldn’t be a big deal but it fucking was because there was something wrong with him, why was he so upset over fucking lunch…

He was wasting his break. Couldn’t get his brain to cooperate and just choose a constructive path to follow, became stuck in a frustrated loop and frozen in place as the minutes passed.

He did nothing, in the end.

Spent his time staring at the wall of the breakroom, trying to breathe slowly, trying to settle himself but without something to eat he couldn’t find anything for his hands to do, ended up stuffing them into the sleeves of his jacket and clutching the fabric hard, hard enough that his fingers started to ache and it was making him too hot but it felt good to just squeeze something…

Robin found him. Frowned, offered him half her own sandwich which he gratefully took but it wasn’t right, there was too much ham and the cheese was a different brand to what he usually bought and it didn’t feel right in his mouth.

A run-in with a grumpy customer that afternoon almost tipped him over the edge.

He’d felt tears building, felt that familiar tight feeling in his throat, the way his lungs were starting to constrict and his hands were starting to tremble even as he frantically twisted the bracelet on his wrist, the one Eddie had given him after seeing him constantly play with Eddie’s own jewelry…

The woman was saying something, her face twisted and angry while she waved around a tape in her hand, but she wasn’t giving Steve any time to process her words and every time he tried to talk she’d yell over the top of him and Steve had had enough.

Before he could lose it in front of the customer, he backed up. Turned on his heel, strode away, threw a pleading look at Robin as he passed her.

She nodded, smoothly intercepted the woman with a fake smile plastered on her face, and Steve retreated quickly to the relative safety of the breakroom.

He breathed. Stared unblinking at the floor, still rotating the brown leather bracelet, running his index finger over the intricate design etched into it.

You’re fine, calm the fuck down, stop being a fucking child.

But he couldn’t.

He knew this wasn’t normal, that he should be able to deal with the day like any other person, but it was like there was this block in his brain telling him otherwise.

“Steve, you ok?”

Robin interrupted his downward spiral, placed a hand on his back and Steve immediately leaned into it because the pressure was good, the weight of her hand comforting and grounding.

“Mmm hmm,” he mumbled.

“Ignore Mrs Brown, she’s a bitch.”

“Yeah.”

“Tried to tell me the tape didn’t work, I put it in the store player and it was totally fine so it’s probably an issue with her player but I swapped the tape out anyway because I really couldn’t be bothered arguing it further…Steve?” Robin’s tone was concerned, her hand rubbing small circles into his back.

“Mmm?”

“You don’t look too good, what’s happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, it’s clearly something -”

“M’fine.”

“Do you want to head home early? I can finish off here and call Nance to pick me up.”

No, because that would mess up his routine even more and he didn’t think he could live with that today.

Steve shook his head.

“Well…we can skip dinner tonight, if you want. We can just postpone it, if you’d rather go home.”

He would rather go home. Or preferably to Eddie’s, where he could curl up on his boyfriend’s bed and let Eddie wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight and pull the blanket up over his head and just shut out the rest of the world until he was ready to crawl back out and deal with it again.

But they’d been looking forward to going out to the diner for a while now – Steve, Eddie, Robin and Nancy – their schedules had finally aligned, and they’d eagerly organized the double date.

Everyone was looking forward to it, and Steve wasn’t going to let them cancel it just because of him.

Just because he couldn’t deal with a few minor inconveniences in his day.

He shook his head again.

“You sure?”

“Mmm.”

“Ok, well…how about you just sit out here for a few minutes, ok? Come back out when you’re ready.”

Some days, Steve went about his day and felt almost like a normal human.

He woke up, he went to work, he chatted to his friends, he’d see Eddie whenever he could, kiss him and watch movies and eat dinner and everything was fine.

But some days, everything was too loud. The tag on the back of his t shirt scratched at his neck, the door to Family Video creaked a little too much and he felt it in his teeth, the lights overhead were too fucking bright and there were too many people demanding his attention all at once and it was like a flip switched somewhere and he went into shutdown.

He wasn’t quite there yet, but he was about to crest that wave, and everything would come crashing down then.

The rest of the day passed in a blur, too slow and too fast at the same time, and Steve waded through it like molasses, heavy and slow.

When Eddie sauntered in at the end of Steve’s shift, all warm smiles and soft eyes and familiar scent, Steve felt his heartbeat slow a little.

“Hey, Stevie,” Eddie murmured, looking him up and down and immediately wrapping his arms around him tight because there was no one else in the store and he knew, he always knew when Steve was having a bad day.

Steve sagged a little, pressing his face to Eddie’s neck, breathing him in, hands curling in the soft material of his Metallica t shirt.

“You still wanna go out, sweetheart?” Eddie whispered.

Steve nodded, most of the motion lost due to the fact he was practically burrowed into Eddie.

Eddie kept a hand on him the whole way to the diner. Whether it was holding his hand in the car, or allowing their pinkies to just brush as they walked side by side to the diner, or the gentle grip on the back of Steve’s shirt as they rounded the corner and saw the large queue outside the diner.

Steve’s stomach dropped.

He liked the diner.

It was familiar, he knew the menu by heart, he knew what he liked and the staff were friendly and happy to swap out a couple of the things on his plate because he always preferred his sauce on the side and he didn’t like tomato in his burger, and the music was never too loud and the lights were just dim enough that they didn’t irritate him to hell and back.

They hadn’t bothered to book tonight because it was never usually this crowded.

“I’m gonna go see what’s happening,” Nancy announced, striding past the queue towards the door.

Steve swallowed, shifted from foot to foot.

Eddie leaned in. “It’s alright, sweetheart,” he breathed, “if it’s too busy, we can go home, ok? We can come back another day.”

He nodded.

Nancy returned, looking mildly irritated. “It’s some special they’ve got on, you get your food half price before seven pm, it’s already completely full in there.”

Eddie tilted his head, contemplating. “We could come back after seven, when the crowd’s thinned out?”

Robin groaned. “I’m starving, I gave half my lunch to Steve because he forgot his.”

Eddie glanced at Steve, fingers brushing the back of his arm briefly.

“We could go to that new place?” Nancy suggested. “The one on the corner? It only opened last week, it might be quieter since half the town’s here.”

Eddie’s gaze flicked to Steve again. “Maybe we just go home, do this another day,” he said carefully.

Steve wanted to speak, found his mouth glued shut, pulse thrumming in his ears.

“It’s Mexican, right?” Robin asked excitedly. “Yes, can we go there? Please?”

Steve liked Mexican food - when he could cook it himself, or when he’d been somewhere before and knew exactly what to order. But he’d have to study the menu at this new place, have to no doubt awkwardly ask them to omit some ingredient or another and what if they didn’t like that, he didn’t want to complicate things or make it uncomfortable for the others, and what if they had the music up too loud and he wouldn’t know where the bathroom was to retreat to so he might have to ask but what if he couldn’t get words out…

“Steve?” Robin was saying.

“Mmm?”

“Can we go?”

“Sure,” he said, because he’d give Robin the world if he could.

Robin clapped her hands, darted ahead with Nancy.

Steve went to follow, but was stopped by Eddie’s hand on his wrist, turned to see him looking at Steve with concerned eyes.

“Stevie…lets go home, huh?”

Steve shrugged him off. Started to walk determinedly, because Robin was excited and she was bounding ahead and Nancy was smiling bright at her and he wasn’t going to ruin this even though he was currently swallowing back tears.

“Steve -”

“It’s fine,” Steve snapped. “It’s nothing, ok? We’re just going to a different fucking restaurant, it isn’t a big deal, ok?”

“Sweetheart, just breathe for a second, ok.”

“I don’t need to…I don’t need to fucking breathe, we need to get to the restaurant because we’re already later than we usually are which means we’ll get home later which means I’ll have to be quicker to get ready for bed tonight so I get to sleep on time so that I’m not so fucking tired tomorrow and -”

Eddie pulled him to his chest. Hugged him tight in the street, in view of any passerbys, because Steve was about to fall apart and there was no other option.

Steve was crying, was still stammering his way through his explanation, his world shrinking to just Eddie and his own heartbeat booming in his ears.

Faintly, as if underwater, he heard Robin and Nancy, their concerned voices saying his name, Eddie telling them he was going to take Steve home, that he was ok, that they should carry on to dinner and he’d call them later.

“…Mrs Brown, she was yelling at me and her voice makes my skin crawl and she wouldn’t stop yelling and everything’s so loud today -” Steve was whining into Eddie’s chest, as Eddie ran a hand over the back of his head, scrubbing his fingers through his locks in the way that Steve loved but right now he needed to get away from here, needed to go home.

“Shhh, baby,” Eddie murmured to him. “I’ve got ya, we’re gonna head back to the car, ok? You can come home with me, I’ll run you a bath if you want one and get you something to eat, ok?”

Steve nodded as best he could, followed Eddie back down the street.

“Robin -” he started, voice miserable as they approached his car, as he wordlessly handed the keys over to Eddie because they both knew he couldn’t drive in this state.

“ – will be fine,” Eddie told him gently, “she and Nancy will have a nice night, and we’ll hear about it tomorrow, ok?”

“I ruined it,” Steve sobbed, breath hitching.

“You didn’t,” Eddie insisted, opening the door for Steve and gently guiding him into the passenger seat. He reached over, clicked Steve’s belt in, pressed a brief kiss to the side of his head. “Sweetheart, you didn’t. You’re allowed to have a bad day, ok? Shit, you know I’ve had plenty, and you’ve looked after me every time. Let me look after you, ok?”

Eddie kept the music on a low volume as they drove to his trailer. Loud enough that Steve could hear it, that it softly filled the silence because silence would’ve been too loud right now, but quiet enough that it didn’t irritate him at all.

It was just right.

And Eddie had one hand on the wheel and one hand cradling Steve’s, rubbing circles into the skin over his knuckles, keeping Steve here, keeping him present.

Wayne was working a night shift, which was fortunate for them tonight. Not that Eddie’s uncle would’ve minded Steve being there in this state, but Steve hated anyone seeing him like this – the less people around right now, the better.

Eddie led him inside, sat him down on the couch, gently lifted Steve’s arms up above his head and peeled his t shirt off him.

Steve sighed in relief at the tag no longer itching his neck, and then Eddie was draping the throw from the back of the couch over his shoulders, the soft one Steve loved to burrow under while they watched movies.

Eddie lay down at the other end of the couch, gestured for Steve. “C’mere, sweetheart.”

Steve went. Draped himself over Eddie, fell into him easily, chest to chest. A soft noise escaped him when Eddie’s arms circled about his waist and squeezed, the pressure fucking lovely and Steve pushed his face into Eddie’s collar and hummed, index finger and thumb playing with a belt loop on his boyfriend’s jeans.

He wasn’t sure how long they lay like that. Eddie had turned the TV on at some stage, some nondescript show playing to give Steve a tiny bit of background noise. His eyes were closed, his breathing was evening out, his tears drying on his cheeks and on Eddie’s t shirt.

“Stevie?” Eddie whispered eventually. “Can I get you something to eat?”

“Toast?” Steve asked quietly, hopefully, his voice small.

Eddie smiled into his hair. “Sure.”

Steve tipped his head back a little, feeling groggy and heavy and slow but better, calmer. “And please can you -”

“- cut the crusts off?” Eddie chuckled softly. “’Course I will.”

Steve smiled tiredly. He didn’t always need his toast like that, but today was very much a no-crusts day.

“And then if you’re up to it I’d like to run you a bath, ok?”

Steve nodded, briefly unhappy when Eddie detangled himself from him, slipping out from under Steve carefully.

When he turned to head for the kitchen, Steve reached out, clutched at Eddie’ wrist.

“Eds?”

“Yeah?”

“Love you. Thank you.”

“Anytime, Stevie.”

___

[chubbletea]

I'm bored. mcsm hcs time

jesse (any prns, bday dec 31st)

genderfluid

reuben helped them sleep, so after they lost him, they had trouble sleeping for years upon years

their music taste is anything and everything. they will go to listening from k-pop to death metal and be unfazed

jesse was fairly little when they met reuben (thinking abt 4-ish??)

they have brightly colored highlights in their hair, and it's style is short and fluffy/messy-looking

only child

doesn't want to get gender surgeries or take hormones or anything

played trumpet in middle school marching band. I'm so sorry for doing them dirty like this but it's the vibes

probably survives off of caffeine. however, this habit got better after they got radar to help

they couldn’t sleep for at least a week after reuben's death, but then they started sleeping with a plushy (probably of a pig), which slowly helped them get back into a semi-regular sleep schedule

they have a nametag necklace with reuben's name engraved on it

petra (she/her, bday feb 20th)

girl kisser. likes kissing women on the lips.

deathly terrified of getting sick. if she got lethally sick before the witherstorm event, she would be like "I'M FINE IT'S NOTHING" but after the witherstorm event if she gets a small cold she freaks tf out

she's a system bc I'm a system and I said so. she has abt five members and has rare splits

her childhood was all over the place

she likes heavier music like green day, blink-182, rob zombie, babymetal, etc.

bassist

did several martial arts and sports as a kid bc she couldn't find one she liked

Idk if I can see her doing marching band but if she did she would be an alto sax player, but like angry section leader alto sax player

lukas is her cousin. she's the only one who gets to call him luke bc that's what he originally went by before changing it to lukas

she's abt three years older than lukas, and she was very present in his childhood. they basically did everything together bc their parents were either fuckasses or straight up not there (L + ratio tbh)

lukas (he/him, bday july 24th)

trans guy. just the vibes

he's a writer. he's into WEIRD GROSS GRAPHIC SHIT. he does not faint when he sees blood or whatever.

while writing his memoir(?) abt the witherstorm journey, he writes so many graphic descriptions abt stuff like petra's illness, inside of the witherstorm, the endermen and other mobs, etc. and asks jesse to read it for criticism and such and then they end up scarred and are like "HUH?? WHO HURT YOU????"

he likes holding his cat like a baby

he's the certified "music nerd" of the group. he thinks his taste is the best

speaking of, he likes stuff like will wood, tally hall/miracle musical, lemon demon, etc. and if anyone ever asks for music recommendations he just fucking appears without warning and talks abt music for three hours

whenever lukas is handed the aux he's like "YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR A BANGER?" and plays 2/3 of a song and talks abt it for another half of it and just does it over again with several songs in a row

played clarinet in middle school-high school band and never wanted to switch bc he was very attached to his instrument

he was also probably a theatre kid. and DEFINITELY a creative writing kid. maybe an art kid too

eventually he started playing electric guitar after school

he used to be *extremely* asocial and introverted, only willingly interacting with his cousin, petra, until he met the ocelots and slowly opened up in his late middle school/early high school years thanks to them

his parents weren't very present in his childhood

throughout most of his childhood he experienced lots of autism related speech loss and was nearly completely nonverbal, but after he started becoming friends with the ocelots, he slowly gained the ability to speak. he still experiences the occasional speech loss to this day, but he's much better than he was a while back

he's the youngest member of the order

one year on t

took a few classes with olivia at one point, but they never rlly talked. he might've glanced at her one or two times tho

picked up traditional art as an extra hobby, still mostly focuses on writing

he has severe gender dysphoria and has had top surgery, but refuses to get bottom surgery, simply bc he doesn't want to.cdespite this, he stills makes jokes abt having a cock

axel (they/he, bday may 7th)

met jesse before olivia met jesse

his music taste consists of only meme songs. the first time he was handed the aux, he played two trucks. the second time he was handed the aux, he rickrolled everybody. he is now banned from the aux.

he's the oldest member of the order

has no idea how sympathy works (real!)

olivia (she/they, bday apr 12th)

former gifted kid vibes. definitely went to a private school at some point

has always looked up to ellegaard since she was little

took a few classes with lukas at one point, but they never rlly talked. olivia prolly thought abt trying to talk to him at one point tho

major art kid vibes

3-4+ years on e, got bottom surgery a little more than a year ago

she drew jesse a picture of reuben shortly after his death to try and cheer them up

radar (he/they, bday oct 16th)

bisexual and questioning if he's non-binary

it's said that he is both jesse's assistant and and intern, so that could mean he's in high school. I debated for a little bit whether he would be a junior or senior but I decided that he would be one of the older juniors (around 17 years old)

sometimes he has to miss/be late to help jesse with work or whatever bc he has schoolwork to do

definitely a hardcore theatre kid.

it's also sorta implied that radar has some sort of crush on jesse so I like to imagine that jesse is like his celebrity crush or whatever. ofc that's never gonna go through as an actual relationship or whatever

radar does mention at one point that he loves seafood so I like to imagine he encourages jesse to try seafood with him and stuff. he also definitely isn't scared to try and actually likes some of the "weird" stuff (ex. tako)

he rlly trusts jesse and likes talking to him bc he doesn't rlly have a good outlet. I like to think jesse just listens/lets him vent

he tries to go help jesse as much as he possibly can bc his home life isn't particularly great (by that I mean it's terrible)

he's the type to go "SO FUNNY STORY-" and then traumadump like it's nothing (srsly get him some therapy)

definitely has a squishmallow collection AND keeps all the tags

[curiousskelekitty]

Hey, I'm sleep deprived and blasted on weed, let's see the reasons why I think I'm autistic

I'm awakemd super from a super high nap. And it's by the smoke and smell of incenst and can't get back to sleep until incest was out and fan on

Eye contact? Either really focused on making it and not listening or focused on conversation and eyes Drifting away

Say exact same way of hello at job

And other things

Sensitive to wet and cold so much that made it part of her image

Staying awake to make this list

Even though I'm supe r high and running on 3 hors sleep, latte, and pizza and 4 hb eggs

Adhd 

Special interest in pokemon most of 26 year life

Creative

And loves child things like video game sand toys, special plush toys

And weird sex too

Like even when child me MASTURBAGED WITHOUT KNOW WHAT IT WAS

sorry tmi 

Holy ahky I discovered something abot me that I didn't know

Wow

Anyways

Loves reading

And loud music during loud lunch during hs

Sensitive to loud noises like toilet as child

An dlole sonic

Oh shit

It late

Waited blanket for win! Special as adult

Fighting slep to write this once again

Super shy

Talked in labg with sister when 

Adhd

Goes to speech therapy 

Because I don't talk

Or maybe lisp

Idk

Imaginary friends until second grade

First friend grade younger 

No friends in my grade until MIDLE SCHOOL

I think

Sorry no remember 

This list loooooong

Writing still very clean

Nose so dry

Oh shkt Don her 

He didn't say anything about me being up

I'm supposed to be asleep

Sh

lol

Argue with my self 

Like all the time

I even fight with my ocs

lol

Autism brain go

Special cartoon likeys 

Just explained idea for video for YouTube to boo and we might collaborate

My mouth so drunk 

Suuuuuper sensitive to socks on feet at night! Even in winter

But can't walk out iputaide without shoes 

Can feel EVERYTHKNG 

Loves swimming

BUT NOT RAIN

RAIN MAKE USBWEY

sinuses dry as hell  I can feel the air coming in my nose and down my throat

Hereditary 

Also likes anime and furries

Has phases of certain likes or Dislikes

Like love reading but then don't love reading

Hating spicy for most of life

But finding a love from some as long as there's flavors 

Mexico is so pretty

Making list like this

All the time

Will hypet focus on certain things for maybe a week

And it goes in curses 

Ow though hurt for typing 

Do stretches kids

Never admitted to watching porn whe her life insists of romances 

Daydreamer

Ever since litter

First lover

Cucumber Larry

When he gets suck on by giat alien ad hero

That turned me on

AS A KID IN CHURCH

not even four years old

wft

This might be really revealing about me and my life

…

Okay

This Is where I add more to the title of this video

To warn me of the dangers

Of whatever the fuck I'm on

Could probably make this list over 200 points 

Listn3s to music at night 

Might be slightly dyslexic 

Swimming

Vocal Stimson

When found out about stimming

Showed more stimming

So mad

Just took like 1 min to fix stimmong to swimming 

Make little songs whole life

Wow hide in DC bathroom. And sing sad songs to my self

Don't really to that anymore

Ah shit it's late

I need to pee

Sleeps with toys still

Like stuffed animals

Once could not fall sleep until Carla into toybox

Only woke up because got hot

BISEXUAL AD FUCK

when I was little I was looking g in the mirror and ask if I was more otm boy or girly Gil and decided I was in the middle

If that not nonbinary as FUCK than what is

Thinking g about if the video went famous and FIL saw and reacted

Whole family know

Please be warned 

Really sensitive about certain flavores in certain tempt

Those might go on Tumblr though

Incous make a lookout of people laugh 

And no one would know

Damn thos list loomg

STRETCH TIME

often godb what if whole world kno

I could go on and on

But I think I will conclude here 

Thank you everyone for reading

Good night

LoL

You wish

I'm very empathic

I forget words all the time

Especially with age

Always had bad memory

Selective hearing

Forms who they are around eho they with

But my baby let me be me❤️

Sinsirve tk sounds

I'm probably going to talk to my therapist about this list next week

Realized made horrible ablist joke in my head and realized it and was like tf why

Intrusive thoughts

Holly fuck

I can do this

And this

And

This 

So easily 

I love animals 

Dep3ndent and independent at the same time

Anxiety 

Depression 

I'm still making the list dumbadd

My bad

Too much of a topical thing like lotion makes me feel icky 

Hated mosquitoe spray because of sticky residue and smell

Hayes perfume

Sensitive to some smells, like perfume

Body pray okay tho

And candles

Loves sweets

LOVES TO READ

Can't focus on reading

Super aware of body

Hates being touched unexpected or by stranger

Said loved all colors and didn't have official favorite color until like first grade because didn't want to hurt other colors favorite

Still doesn't have least favorite color

"Lazy"

But I'm not suppsoes to coll me that

Realistic

Made day dreams befo3e bed every night

Had one going on for about a month

Googles everything 

Okay I'll go to 200

Then I'll go to sleep

Lover of computers when little

Still love them

Have several unwritten stories to tell, including like three books and three or more wannabe books

Wrote toriko slitty fanfiction church

Drew a the time

Sonic the hedged hog fan

Loves pun so much

Made up "Copper later" for funny goodbye

Lives all her sisters

And all bet peanut

Hates pumpkin guts and still hate the feeling of them

Picky eater

May13b first 2023

Special interest in music

Went into band for school ad a trumpet and played for most of life until high school graduates but was never good at it.

That sucks

I could've learned how to song better

Now that I realize my voice is good and can be better

Hates needles 

Squeamish 

Spiritual 

Loves crystals Spiritually

Believes in a carefree, unknowing god

Two more to go

AUTISM BLAST

Weird obsession with sex since really little

Oh shkt

Just remembered something

That I never told anyone! Fucm 

I won't tell you guys

Never

Okay 

Good night

I love you

[scotianostra]

Happy Birthday, Scottish radio deejay and broadcaster Ken Bruce, born February 2nd 1951 in Glasgow.

He was educated at, or at least attended, Hutchesons’ Boys’ Grammar School in Glasgow, where his achievements included being named “Laziest Boy in the School”. He did however, become Captain of Curling and took his team to the final of the Scottish schools Championships, such were the sports in Grammar schools!!

  On leaving school, he studied accountancy for two years before discovering that he was not cut out to be a financial genius, or indeed any other kind, and became involved in a car hire company, rising from washing the cars to minor management.

In his spare time, he enjoyed hospital radio,  and eventually talked his way into the BBC in Scotland, where he became an announcer. He read the news, introduced concerts and laughed, smoked and drank a great deal. He has, of course, improved his behaviour since then by giving up smoking.

His own daily show in Scotland followed, and he would have played out his days there had Radio 2 not come calling. The Saturday Late Show in 1984 was his first regular gig, and this led to the offer of the Breakfast Show the next year, when Terry Wogan departed for television. The year after that, he moved to the 9:30 slot, where he has remained, with just two intervening years in other slots, ever since. In 2019 it was announced that his show had  had become the most popular radio programme in the UK, with 8.49m daily listeners.

In 1988, he became the radio commentator for the Eurovision Song Contest and has being doing that ever since too, although he is never quite sure why.

Ken loves proper live music though, being a failed drummer, and has a special soft spot for orchestral concerts, which is why he is delighted to have been involved with Friday Night Is Music Night for over ten years. He has avoided the telly over the years, finding it all a bit frenetic, and also with a feeling that the viewing public are not quite ready for him; but he is happy to go on Countdown every so often because it is more like radio - no-one rushes around pretending it’s important.

He has been married three times and has six children, so is an obvious descendant of Robert The Bruce, whose experiences with the spider led him to “try, try, try again.”

Ken is content to remain at Radio 2 until the call comes to restore him to his rightful place on the Throne Of Scotland.

Someone o0nce mentioned Ken looked a bit like the late Sean Connery, although Ken says it was because he impersonated him once, anyway, he briefly got to meet “Big Tam”, Ken says

  “He sauntered up to me with a faint smile on his face and said: ‘I hear you think you look like me.’ I muttered awkwardly: 'Oh well, sometimes on one of my good days … ’ To which Sean responded: 'And one of my bad ones.’ He walked away, seemingly amused, but nowhere near as amused as my colleagues.”

One of his sons is autistic and Bruce is an active charity campaigner for autism.

[udonthreens]

top 5 disco elysium moments i have never played the game but ithink you should explain it like i know everything already anyways

anon uve triggered my autism beam

these r vaguely ranked but also i. i dont promise coherency and if i thought abt it with more brain theyd be different.

5) ok this is the last one im writing and idk. theres so many good scenes and moments and nevermind. the chair. the fucking CHAIR and evrart. it took me 200hrs to see what happens when u PASS the composure check like. tbh failing this check is basically canon. slide down it like a jello shot. again like the megarich container guy this is one of those possible early moments of 'ou this games a fucking weird comedy' and i just. best way to assert dominance with the corrupt commie boss like 'what a great display of... idek what that was' and im pretty sure u lose a rep point with kim if u fail it too like. kim dont be mad this is just my interogattion technique im not giving the rcm a bad rep i promise kim

actually some honourable mentions: lamby, boardgames with kim, joyce pale convo, kim voice dilligent boy, THE CHURCH I DIDNT MENTION THE CHURCH i love doin the dance after gettin shot its so funny. love the rave kids. shivers voice theres a hole in my heart. the fucking 'lookin to score some d girl!' bit with kim & acele thats comedy gold actually. thats brilliant. i might just start listening everything. pinball with kim when u pass it im just like. kim why dyou sound so smitten . the piss and fuck jackets. actually i really like the whole bit with the working class woman that was Devasting. even more so when i realised u could actually tell her ud look for her husband ...... i liked the jamais vu viscal pleasure wheel bit after (i think that was added with the update? yes it was) altho i dont remember specifics just. his brain reconstructin smth as idk.. smth to make him feel better? felt bittersweet. i should go see that scene again.

ok ill fuckin wrap this up. 'are u... a really good detective?' great line and not a moment per say but. the fact that jean just. hangs around the whirling for several days in that fuckin wig like, obvs he doesnt move spots bcs its a video game (despite the edc lines showin that he does do other shit) cuz u need to know where to find him. but he just fuckin commits like. the character building from all this shit for whats technically a minor character. brilliant. doesnt HE have a fuckin job to do. also titus is always in the whirling for the same video game reason so like. yes. yes to that rarepair.

3) communist book club and the tower building that was soooooo cool not to mention the fuckin hilarity of readin bout inframaterialism for the first time nd going "???? is this pseudoscience in the game or can it ACTUALLY fucking happen like wtf"

2) karoke. pass over fail tbh limbic system KILLS it (and its more lyrical spoken word doesnt fit the song nd also i thot id actually hear harrys voice during that scene and we kinda did but like thats a different tangent) and kims support 'detective du bois... it was down right tragic' and the edc or concept check? concept i 5hink that was like 'to him that represented being an rcm member perfectly' like HELLO??? kim bestie its not 2 late for a career change. AND not to mention gartes reaction to it like... u really get the feeling that he Will get rid of the machine if harry fucks it up. however i do like the pass as well bcs a) harrys had enough cringe fail b) jeans deadbeat litany of 'yeah its shit it sucked awful' like. thats how he talks 2 harry when hes being NICE its so funny. het life partners <33

4) mega rich light bending guy. AGAIN the weiss thingymay coefficent where ur like 'is this an actual Thing or is harry just fuckin insane' nd also i crit succeeded on my first playthru real early on when i hadnt seen any of the wacky shit yet nd it just. the -2 if u have the artcop thought the fuckin ultralib shit . u get like 4 ultralib points at LEAST if u pass/fail the right concept check. god not to mention kim earnestly suggesting rcm reforms like kim bestie kim kim my bestfriend kim its not 2 late for a career change. also if u get the 100 real and kims like 'ur full of surprises most of them bad but some of them good' soooo true <33

1) salami man.

[rebelscum-2187]

So after nearly 22 years of life on this planet, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am high functioning autistic. I believe I fell through the cracks of an early diagnosis for the following reasons:

1.) I am Female (I learned how to mask myself very early on)

2.) I have a gifted IQ (above 130) and was classified as such in 4th grade so no one considered that I could be both ASD and intellectually gifted.

I am in the beginning stages of unmasking and am currently seeking an official diagnosis. Right now, I’m trying to write down everything I know about my neurodivergent experience so here’s a list of things I’ve experienced and believe to be relevant. If you can relate or you understand please comment and share! I’m new to this community and it feels so good to finally meet people who understand and can relate. Ok, Here we go.

“So the general population doesn’t memorize scripts to movies or watch the same one every day for a year?”

“People think it’s weird that I prefer to have subtitles on when I watch stuff, even though I don’t have damaged hearing”

“I watch movies with subtitles because I won’t understand what’s said if I don’t read it. I have no hearing issues.”

“I cannot hear/understand someone if I have one ear bud in and one out. Too much sensory input at once.”

“I thought I had a hearing deficit because I literally could not understand people at church or parties or other places with a lot of background noise, and I was so confused when they told me my hearing was normal.”

“I love star wars. Not just love but I could tell you what planet each character is from and what kind of ship they use, what model droid that one is and I will gladly talk about it all day if you let me. Everyone now gets me Star Wars stuff for my birthday and holidays”

“Eye contact is so uncomfortable for me that sometimes it ‘burns’ to maintain it, but then I overcompensate and stare too intensely. Over the years, being female, I’ve forced myself to make eye contact for a certain number of seconds and then look away a certain number of seconds but I’m concentrating so hard on that, that I don’t remember anything that was said to me.”

“Giving me verbal directions is a special kind of hell. I need it written down.”

“I can memorize pictures of things and exactly where every kid sat in my 10th grade US history class as well as my 9th grade geometry class.”

“I never fit in anywhere, in my childhood, most of my adolescence, except the swim team and my new church.”

“Team sports are the worst. I can’t communicate fast enough, I’m bad with hand eye coordination and keeping track of a ball. I excelled in individual sports and fell in love with swimming.”

“I often found it much easier to make friends with older kids because I could have intelligent conversations with them and their good social skills could make up for my lack of social skills.”

“But, I had a few friends that were considerably younger who I could still play imaginatively with dolls when I was 13 and one particular friend was 9. I had a lot of trouble getting a long with her sister who was the same age as me.”

“It physically pains me to hear someone mispronounce a word, spell something wrong, or make a grammatical mistake. I corrected my cousin A LOT when we were kids, she frequently got mad and I couldn’t understand why. My grandma would tell me to stop because correcting people is rude.”

“One of my special interests as a kid was dolphins. I was 5-6 years old and I remember being so excited when my mom let me check out like 10 books from the library and I read them quickly and multiple times.”

“I corrected a teacher one time about dolphins. She said dolphins weren’t whales and I knew FOR A FACT that ‘dolphins were a type of small whale’ because I read it in one of my books. She laughed at me and so did the rest of the class and I felt stupid even though I was right. This led to me suppressing my knowledge and real self and ultimately more masking.”

“As per that last one, my memory is impeccable.”

“I had another special interest in dogs when I got a bit older. My mom bought me a book with every kind of breed of dog, where they came from, their temperament, their size, everything. I can still, to this day, tell you the breed of dog just by looking at it.”

“I always wanted a best friend but never had one. I had groups of friends but never someone who would call me their best friend. When I got a boyfriend in high school, I was so excited because he called me his best friend and he was mine and I finally had that feeling reciprocated. He also had a gifted IQ and dyslexia, ADHD and a few other things so we understood each other quite well.”

“I can’t tell if someone is flirting with me because I can’t read between the lines. I also don’t know how to flirt because if I like a guy too much I get soooo nervous and I stumble over my words and it’s a disaster.”

“When I liked this guy (last year, 2019) I would freeze up so bad when I talked to him that I rehearsed every conversation I wanted to have with him so I wouldn’t mess it up. I would write topics in the notes section of my phone before hanging out with him so I’d remember what to ask him. It made for very awkward and forced conversations and probably drove him away.”

“Sarcasm and jokes almost always go over my head. The boyfriend I had in high school was very funny and outgoing but used a lot of sarcasm and it always caused disagreements because I took him seriously when he was being sarcastic.”

“I talk slowly and very monotone.”

“I have no difficulty reading in my head and can read/comprehend it well, but reading aloud is difficult and I often stumble over words and mess up.”

“I need directions repeated multiple times before I understand.”

“I went to the beach to hang out with some church friends yesterday. They all play spike ball and are so confused as to why I sit there and don’t play. I’ve tried playing spike ball but it involves way too much hand eye coordination and I’m so bad at it that it’s embarrassing. So I don’t play.”

“That same night, a group of them said ‘let’s play uno!’ And I was so happy to play something familiar that didn’t involve a lot of coordination. Then they said ‘we’re playing SPICY uno, right?’ And immediately my heart sank because I knew they were playing a different way that I wasn’t familiar with. Again, receiving verbal directions was hell and I didn’t understand it. I was so bad at it and wasn’t getting it, and in the middle of the game I had the urge to cry. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t even get this right. I suppressed the urge, of course, so they wouldn’t think I was even more weird than the already suspected. Another group of people that I wouldn’t fit in with.”

“Making friends has always been so difficult. Once I make a good friend I hang on to them for as long as possible even if they’re not very nice because I’m scared I’ll have to make a new one if I lose them. And we all know how hard making new friends is for me.”

“I’m a perfectionist. Especially with my art projects. When I took a painting class I realized I do it the wrong way. You’re supposed to paint layer by layer over the entire canvas and focus on small details at the very end. I work on one small area at a time and do small details too soon. I often spend way too much time on small details before I realize that the larger shape of the object isn’t proportionate and then it’s too late.”

“I won’t even attempt tasks if I know I can’t do them perfectly.”

“I have perfect pitch. I don’t know if that has anything to do with autism or that I just started music lessons when I was young. I can tune instruments perfectly without a tuner or reference note and I never understood why my orchestra teacher had me play the A key on the piano over and over again while she walked around and tuned everyone’s instruments when I could do it without any reference. I can hear it in my head.”

“When my parents got me a keyboard at age 7-8, they were impressed because I could sit down, without listening to any song and find the notes of a song I liked by ear. I still do that today but my piano is very out of tune and it bothers me.”

“Autistic boys tend to isolate and not care about concealing their stims or weird behavior but girls don’t. I am a ‘loner’ and always have been but I want so badly to belong and have friends and socialize, but I’ve always been so bad at it that I strike out every time. I often drink at social gatherings because it helps me loosen up and talk more freely. I guess it helps me lose the mask for a while.”

“I HATE people touching me. I’ve always hated it and still hate it to this day unless it’s someone I’m super comfortable with. I’ve been told I have the ‘dead fish hand shake’ and I’m an awkward hugger. My friend picked me up from behind and carried me for a few seconds because we were all goofing off and having fun but afterwards I was so mad at him I got really quiet and didn’t talk for a while. I told him later on the ride home that if he did that again I would slap him. “

“Everyone thinks it’s weird that I don’t like touching people, and some of my friends who also don’t like touching people were abused and I always thought, ‘there had to be a reason, maybe I was abused as a kid and repressed it.’ It’s been so long and I’ve finally realized that maybe it’s just because I have Aspergers or ASD. “

“When I make sarcastic remarks or jokes I often have to clarify because I say them in such a monotone way that people think I’m serious.”

“I’ve always joked that I’m just really clumsy and uncoordinated, and chalked it up to being tall and lanky. That’s why swimming was the perfect sport for me. Little to no risk of injury and not much hand eye coordination needed to be good at it. Just hours of practice, technique and endurance.”

“I also injure myself quite a lot because I’m ‘a klutz.’”

“Stims: I scratch my head and then smell my fingers and I will do this for hours if I am able (I know that one is weird so I only do it at home) popping my knuckles a ridiculous amount of times when I feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to do with my hands. I twirl my hair constantly (that one is pretty socially acceptable so I do it in class nonstop). I tap my foot or bounce my leg, I make weird facial expressions and forget to hide those. People notice but they often think it’s funny because I’ll make a face if someone says something dumb and make an expression that people seem to relate to. I scrunch my nose if I’m uncomfortable or just whenever.”

Special interests: Star Wars, Disney (I know every word to every Disney song and I watch animated Disney movies over and over again, like literally every night) dolphins, the ocean, dogs, theology/the Bible.

“With my art work, and other things, I will get so focused on a painting that I will work non stop for 8-9 hours (all day basically) and not eat because I’m so focused that I forget to eat.”

“I think I slur my words a lot and sometimes my friends will laugh and be like ‘did you just say ____.?!?!’And I’ll clarify and they will continue laughing and say ‘oh it sounded like you said this.’ I hate when that happens.”

“Loud noises really bother me. I jump if I hear an unexpected loud noise and I hate people yelling, even if it’s not directed at me, it makes me want to cry. “

“I loved the color blue so much as a kid (I still do) but my entire wardrobe was basically different shades of blue t-shirts. I also only ever wore baggy t-shirts and baggy cargo shorts (I kinda dressed like a boy) because it was comfortable and I didn’t like getting comments if I looked “cute today”. I hated the attention. I also never ever wore my hair down to school. It always had to be up in a tight pony tail. I still don’t like my hair being in my face to this day and wear it up almost every day.”

“The other day, I was hanging out with a friend and she was trying to tell a story but I kept getting distracted and interrupting her. She said, ‘Emily, you kind of interrupt people a lot.’ At first I was hurt, but then I realized it’s not entirely my fault and it’s an autistic thing.”

“I mask so much that I have rehearsed responses to social interactions and will often get so nervous or start speaking from the script before I realize I’ve said the wrong response. Of course I’ll think about it all day after that and think of ‘well great, so and so thinks I’m weird now.’”

[writingsbychlo]

heart under construction (05)

word count; 5373

summary; sam gets to take you out on that date, and he almost messes it up, but you manage to find yrou way back to one another again.

notes; I wanna give sarah a huge thanks because she made this gif!! she made it!! i love it, so give her some love too. @dylinski​ is an angel.

warnings; semi-public sex, unprotected sex, heavy drinking.

Tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, Sam pouted as he continued to sit outside of the bar he’d watched you disappear into a good fifteen minutes ago, his brow furrowed. He could totally just storm in there right now, break it up, drag you out, but he really wasn’t sure how you’d react to that.

He had every chance to make a move, he’d spent the day on a date with you, and he hadn't even had the balls to fucking kiss you at the end of it. He rubbed a hand over his face, groaning as he thought back on the moment, his cowardice and the shitty excuse for a few final words he’d given, and he slumped angrily into his seat.

He couldn't see into the bar, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to. By now, you were probably curled up in a cosy little booth in the back as you sipped cocktails and let another man kiss you because he’d been too much of a fucking wimp to do it when he had the chance.

The radio hummed lowly, a song he was familiar with from playing earlier in the day beginning to creep out into the car, and he reached over, punching his finger roughly into the button on the dash to turn it off.

“I love this song!” You were practically beaming, bouncing in your seat as the two of you sped down the highway towards Ikea, and Sam reached over, cranking the volume on the music up as you turned to him, giving him a sweet smile before beginning to belt out the lyrics, carefree and happy as you sat in the car beside him.

He couldn’t help himself, but soon he was joining in, the pair of you singing at the top of your lungs to every song that came on the radio as you drove along, the pure joy buzzing around in the air around you both within the car, and the car journey flew by, Sam throwing the car into park as you both stared up at the dark blue building in excitement.

Snatching the keys from the ignition, Sam was out of the car before you had even unclipped your safety belt, and he was holding the door open for you with a cheesy wink, your laugh making it all worth it as you took his outstretched hand, allowing him to help you from the vehicle. Your arm had linked through his as you made your way to the store, the side of your body pressed up to his, and he turned his head, nudging his nose against your temple with affection.

“So, how about some lunch first, yeah?”

“Yes! I love the Ikea café!” He grinned, placing a kiss to your cheek before ushering you into the busy building, watching as you dashed ahead while following the smell of food.

You had shared a tray, letting him carry the food while you balanced the drinks in your arms, the two of you sprawling out along the comfortable leather seats as you ate. Conversation had flowed easily, from one topic to another, never slowing or becoming dull, and Sam realised he could quite literally listen to you talk about anything and not get bored.

You had forced him into people watching, the two of you giggling at people as you watched them pass by, trying to carry ridiculously large boxes of flatpack furniture, or mother's arguing with children about things they weren’t buying that the kids were absolutely insistent that they did need. You made up stories for the weird purchases you saw people buying, and you had started a competition for who could find the worst item combination someone was buying.

He had won, upon spotting someone buying a truly hideous lampshade and a clashing lamp base that he was sure had never been, and would never be, in style.

Once you had finished eating, you had grabbed one of the paper pads from the wall, the box of little pencils sitting beside it, and he had laughed at you as you grabbed a handful. You had one in your hand, one in his, before you had tucked a pencil behind your ear and one behind his, too, your eyes sparkling with mischief as you told him how much you liked to collect the mini-pencils, and he half considered just stealing the entire box for you.

His chest was practically aching from how much he had laughed, and he was sure he hadn't stopped smiling since the moment he’d picked you up, finally knowing which little house belonged to you as he leaned against his car, watching you bounce out of your house in a cute little sundress and dash down the driveway to hug him tightly. He could still feel your arms wrapped around him, the smell of your freshly applied perfume when he’d buried his face in your neck, and the fit of you in his arms when he’d hugged you back with just as much enthusiasm, swaying you from side to side.

You had trekked through the entire store, trying and testing everything from kitchen furniture to sofas. You had a list, front and back, covered in all the product codes of things that would look perfect in the house, and match the beautiful theme that had been crafted. You had lay next to Sam for a while on what you had called your ‘dream bed’, a king-size bed with drawers underneath, reading lamps fastened into the headboard and a plush mattress that he felt he might actually just sink into.

Lying on the display bed that was out, you lay next to him, staring up at the roof as your hair fanned out around you on the bed and he just watched you, admiring how much he enjoyed simply laying with you. He could picture lazy mornings with you just like this, or late nights after work when the both of you were tired. Laying in bed and cuddled up, before you spent the night curled up in his arms to sleep.

He liked this bed, a lot. He did not hesitate to write down the coding for the product so he could find it when he came back one day to pick up furniture.

Reaching out, he took your hand in his, weaving your fingers together, and you paused your aimless rambling, your head falling to the side to look at him, close enough that your breath washed over his lips as he smiled softly, and you only returned the look, squeezing his hand tightly in yours as he stared at you.

When you had been ushered on by another family wanting to look at this bed, your hand had remained locked in his, holding you close to him as you completed your journey. He had been sure to sneakily tuck three of the four small pencils you had stolen into your purse before you’d reached the door, so the member of staff asking for them back couldn’t take them. With a smile, he hadn't over the final pencil, your face burying in his shoulder to quiet your giggles as the two of you walked away across the car park, and his arm dropped to your waist to hold you close.

You had folded the little list neatly, tucking it into the front pocket of his jeans for him as you rambled on about how much you loved the coffee table he had chosen, and how perfect you thought it would look with a blue striped rug underneath it, in the centre of the living room. He wasn’t listening, instead, he grabbed you by both of your hips, pushing you up against the edge of his car as you reached it. His body was almost flush against yours as he looked down at you, your words dying in your throat as you looked up at him.

He was nervous, his heart beating against his chest, but you soon wrapped your arms around his neck, fingers toying with the slightly too-long hairs a the base of his neck as he dipped his head down, his eyes closing as he heard you let out a little gasp at his close proximity. His nose was bumping against yours, his lips so close to you that they brushed when he tilted his head, his tongue catching against your lips when he licked his own, and he felt frozen in this moment of intimacy, your heart pounding just as fast as his, he could feel it, his hands sliding from our hips to your lower back.

Your phone was buzzing absentmindedly in your purse, and he growled slightly under his breath, pulling back and clearing his throat as his nerves got the better of him, tension flooding his body as he stiffened and stepped back. “This was.. really fun. Super fun. We should hang out more often.”

Your jaw dropped at him, and he hated himself instantly.

‘We should hang out more often.’

What the fuck was that about?

You only nodded, your gaze dropping from his with dismay as you reached for the handle to the car, opening the door for yourself and climbing inside, and he watched as you clipped yourself in silently, pulling your phone from your bag to check your notifications. He stared out across the other cars, running a hand over his face and cursing at himself before rounding the car, getting into the driver’s seat and glancing at you as you replied to whatever messages you had received, your fingers flying over the keyboard and he scrambled to try and find a way to fix this, because once again he had ruined the atmosphere around you both.

“You, er, you wanna’ come back to the house? Jake is there.”

You looked up at him, the polite smile that made his gut twist uncomfortably was aimed at him as you shook your head, tucking your hair behind your ear and waving your phone at him a little. “Can’t. One of the dads from the princess prom was hoping I would get drinks, he has some questions about his kid, he has autism and he wanted to know a little more about the teaching methods, so I said yes.”

Sam felt like his skin was crawling, and he twisted the keys to start up the car, his eyes facing forward as he nodded stiffly, jaw clenched. “Right. Of course. I’ll drop you off, I suppose. Where is it?”

You gave him the address, and he tried not to snap the steering wheel. He knew that pub, he’d met some of his tinder hookups there for drinks. It was nice, it had a homey feel, and low lights and private booths. It was a date pub, you didn’t go there unless you were hoping to get some kind of action, and from your innocent smile he assumed you didn’t know that, but he was willing to bet this guy did.

The drive there was tense, and he missed the easy-going bliss that had been the drive you had shared last time. Now, the radio played quietly as he drove in silence, your body facing away from him as you looked out of the window.

If he had just had the guys to kiss you when you were right there, in the moment with him and only him, you wouldn't be going out with another guy right now, and he fucking hated it.

You had got out of the car, checking yourself in his mirrors before smoothing out your dress, and he gave you a tight smile, all while feeling like someone had pushed a hand straight into his chest and torn his heart right out of it.

“You look beautiful. You always do.”

Then, he had watched you leave, flouncing up and into the bar without looking back, mumbling a cheery ‘thanks for a great day, see you later, Sam!’ and you were gone. This hadn't been how he wanted the day to end, and the second you were gone, he threw the car into park, staring at where you had gone, hoping you might come back out, saying you changed your mind, that you wanted to be with him instead and that whoever was waiting inside of you could get lost. But you didn’t, and Sam sniffed, wiping angrily at his eyes and punching at his steering wheel in his rage as he sat in his seat, defeated.

This was exactly why Sam Taylor didn’t do relationships.

As the clock ticked over into twenty minutes, he decided to let his rage cover his drowning grief over the situation as he forced the car back into action, pulling away from the curbside and onto the road, scowling at himself and his life as he headed for his destination. It was another fifteen minutes before he was slamming his car door shut, not even bothering to lock it from the half-assed job he’d done of parking on the driveway before he was storming into the house with the heavy box tucked under his arm, glass bottles jingling with his hurried steps.

Slamming the front door shut behind himself, he heard Jake curse, choosing to ignore it as he stormed up the stairs, straight past his brother who had excitedly come to ask him how it went, and made his way to the top floor. Dropping the box on the balcony floor, he used his keys to tear it open, shoving them deep into his pocket before taking one of the beers from inside, uncapping it quickly and dropping to the floor with a huff. Raising the bottle to his lips, he chugged a good half of the contents of the bottle before he even bothered to kick off his shoes, or take off his jacket.

Once he was finished with the first bottle, he placed it neatly before him, dragging a hand over his face and finally turning to face his brother, who was texting avidly with a concerned look on his face. “You want to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Jake pressed, standing up from where he was leaning in the doorway and Sam bit down on his bottom lip, before reaching into his crate of beers and pulling out two more bottles, offering one to his brother.

“No.”

Jake accepted it, the two of them sitting in silence for a while, and Sam adjusted himself to stare out at the horizon. Pastel shades decorate the horizon, the sun burning brightly as the last of the shimmering air floating began to settle down, and neither man spoke until long after the sun had sunk below the horizon. Jake was still nursing the same bottle of beer, concernedly watching his brother, who was now on his fifth, and gripping the almost empty bottle in a grip so tight his knuckles were white.

When a cool breeze indicative of the night closing in swept over them both, Sam sighed loudly, swilling the rest of the beer in the bottle around before downing it, turning to face him with tears lining his eyes. “She’s on a date. With another guy. Because I’m a fucking coward.”

“That’s not fair, you’re not a coward!”

Sam scoffed, rolling his eyes and tilting his head back to look at the final fading shades of colour on the horizon as deep blue and black took over, sparkling stars in the clear sky shining out brightly. “I didn’t kiss her. She was right there, it was so clearly a date, and she was letting me kiss her, and I didn’t. I said ‘we should hang out more often’.”

“You’re a fucking moron.”

“I know that, Jake.” He growled his words out, eyes narrowing in a glare as he looked at his brother and Jake shrugged, finishing his beer and adding it to the collection before them. The distant sound of a car door slamming caught both of their attention, the much louder sound of the front door slamming made both of them sit upright, until the hushed giggling of a very familiar void caught their attention.

Turning to look back at the stairs, they glanced through the open glass door to see you hauling yourself up the stairs, a dopey and elated smile on your face as you tripped and stumbled, finally reaching the top and finding the confused faces of both the males looking at you.

“I had a thought!” You announced loudly, making your way toward the open balcony and standing in the doorway, staring at the horizon. “If you swapped the first letters of your names, you would be ‘Sake’ and ‘Jam’. You could use both names in a sentence. Like, for fuck’s sake, where’s the jam?”

You cracked up giggling at yourself, your body swaying slightly and Sam simply stared at you, Jake hopping to his feet as his hands landed on your shoulders. “How much did you drink?”

“A fair amount.” You beamed, tapping at Jake’s nose with the tip of your finger, before your eyes dropped down, widening and filling with joy as though you’d only just remembered that Sam was there. “Sam! Hi! I missed the sunset, but I want to watch the stars. Can we watch the stars?”

“Sure thing, sweetheart.” His words were slurred and he watched as you dropped yourself down onto the floor beside him, shuffling yourself along the wall to get comfortable and he used his foot to nudge the half-empty box towards you. “Beer?”

“Love one, thanks.”

“Right, well, I’m leaving. Good luck with your hangovers!” Jake sighed, shaking his head fondly at the both of you as he grabbed his jacket, making his way down the stairs and leaving the both of you in silence. Sam waited until he heard the engine of Jake’s truck spark up, pulling out of the driveway and setting off before he finally swallowed down his pride and turned to you.

“You seem happy. Did your date go well?” He could hear the venom in his own voice as he spat out his own words, but he was too drunk to care, and it would seem that you were decidedly drunk too, because you turned to him, practically beaming as you shook your head.

“It was absolutely atrocious.” You shook your head, sipping at the bitter beverage you held before leaning forward, stacking all the empty bottles up into a pyramid, rather content with your creation before you glanced at him over your shoulder. “I don’t think you want to hear about that though, do you?”

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut before plastering a smile on his face and looking at you. “I’m trying to be a supportive friend. You can talk to me, tell me all about your date.”

“Okay, well, he sat way too close to me and was wearing far too much cologne, and he stared at my tits, like, the entire night, and then he tried to kiss me when I was getting in a taxi.”

Sam winced, taking large gulps of his drink. “You’re right, I didn’t want to hear that.”

“Why are you drinking?” You questioned carefully, and he sighed, taking another sip before biting down on his bottom lip.

“Because I didn’t kiss you when I had the chance.” He picked at the label on the bottle, coming away with the slight condensation on the cold glass. “Why did you drink?”

“Because you didn’t kiss me when you had the chance.” Your reply was not what Sam had expected, and he looked at you carefully, watching as you chewed on your lower lip. Reaching over, he took your bottle from your hands, placing it on the cold stone with his own, his hand coming up to cup your cheek, using his thumb to pull your lip from its prison as he ran the pad delicately over it.

“Did you kiss him?”

“No.”

“Good.” With that, he gave up on his hesitations and fears, leaning forward to press his lips to yours in a delicate kiss, a surprised gasp leaving you as his nose bumped against yours. He could sense your surprise, your body stiffening under his hold, before you relaxed, fingers lacing into his hair and holding him tightly to you as you returned the affections and he thought his heart might actually burst from his chest this time. “I’ve been wanting to do that pretty much since I met you.”

His words were mumbled against your lips, and you giggled, nodding in agreement as your foreheads pressed together. “Please do that again.”

“With pleasure.” This time, he was more confident, his lips slanting over yours with force, his hands sliding down from your face to your hips, your fingers tightening in his hair. He was soon nibbling at your lower lip, your lips parting for him as his tongue slipped into your mouth, playing with your own.

It was messy, and sloppy, and a combination of whimpers and moans as the two of you pawed at one another. Your fingers slid down, nails dragging through his scruffy beard and eliciting a growl from him before landing on his chest, curling the material of his shirt up into fists and your hands scrunched up.

The kiss was dominating, and rough, the two of you panting into one another's mouths as your skin burned deliciously from his assault on your mouth and the stubble on his cheeks. The hands on your hips tightened as you shifted, and without pulling away from your mouth, he navigated you, lifting you carefully from your position and all but dragging you into his lap, large palms on your thighs guiding you until you had a leg on either side of his.

Your foot caught on one of the bottles, the glass clinking and fizzing sounding in the air as liquid spilt from the bottle, running in streams towards the edge of the platform and dripping away to the ground so far below. The two of you snapped apart, chests heaving as you giggled at the spilt bottle. “I’m sorry I knocked over your beer.”

“If I ever care about spilt beer more than having you in my lap, I want you to shoot me.” He muttered, trailing kisses along your neck, and your chest shook with silent laughs, soon replaced with moans as he began to leave wet trails along your skin, sucking and nipping at your flesh as he left little red marks dotted along your flesh.

“You say that like I’ll be in your lap often.”

“I sure hope you will. My lap is exactly where you belong. Or by my side. Or under me. As long as you’re with me, I really don’t care.” He groaned as your hand slipped back into his hair, tugging harshly until he left your collarbones, your lips landing back on his and he hummed happily, parting his lips the second he felt you trying to lick your way into his mouth.

His fingers dug into your thighs, so tightly they’d leave marks and his hips bucked up involuntarily into yours, moans falling from both of you at the action and you returned the gesture by rolling his hips down into his. A strangled sound left him, and he could feel your grin against his lips as he sloppily worked his mouth with yours.

You did it again, harder, and he let out a low growl, his hands sliding to your hips to try and still you, and you only pressed down harder into him in return. His cock twitched, hardening rapidly as the sounds you made for him reached his ears, the feeling of you in his lap driving him wild. “Sweetheart, if you don’t stop then I’m going to lose all self-control, and I don’t think you want that.”

His voice was low, scratchy and raw as he tried to suck in desperate breaths between stealing kisses as your nails raked down his chest and over his stomach. “You know what I want? I want to know what it’s like to be fucked on a balcony.”

“Oh, shit..” Sam whimpered, his eyes sliding shut as he tipped his head up to catch your lips in a passionate kiss, swollen lips stinging pleasurably, your fingers playing with his belt buckle as you undid it, his hips lifting up and grinding into your covered core under your skirt as he helped you tug the belt free to be discarded. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured, or forced, or like we’re moving too fast an-”

“Sam, stop being scared. Why are you so worried about being so intimate with me?” Your eyes searched his, and he swallowed thickly.

“Because you’re not like the girls I’m normally with, and I don’t want you to feel like you are.”

“Hell of a line there, Taylor.” You smirked, pecking his lips before trailing kisses along his jaw, your fingers swiftly undoing the button on his jeans as you knelt over him, kissing at his neck and yanking the zipper down far enough to slip your hand into his jeans.

“Not a line, just the truth. You’re special to me.” He panted, his hips rolling up as he thrust into your hand, your fingers tracing his hard cock through his underwear as you squeezed at him, palming and rubbing his member until he couldn’t take it anymore. Taking his hand in your own, you lifted the edge of your dress, taking his fingertips and dragging them along your drenched panties, a deep sound rumbling in his chest as he took control, swirling his fingers around your swollen clit through the material. “Shit, sweetheart, you’re drenched.”

“That’s what you do to me.” You let out a cry as he pushed down on your clit roughly, a sly smirk covering his features, and he used his thumb to drag the sodden material to the side, swiping two fingers through your slick folds to part them, nudging against your clit as you moaned his name loudly for him. Easing a single finger into him, your hand shook from where you were teasing him through his boxers, your nails dragging against him through the material the second he slipped the second digit into you, joint noises of pleasure leaving you both.

He pumped his fingers faster, scissoring them and revelling in the wet sounds he could make with your juices as he fucked his fingers into you quickly. Your hips were rolling down into his hand, your mouth pressed to his in a series of frantic kisses as you whispered each other's names into your connected mouths, your hand tightening around him as he brushed against your g-spot. “Please, sweetheart, this is fucking torture.”

“You’re needy.” You teased, and he scoffed, but the sound came out more like a whine as you finally pulled back your hand.

“I’m only needy for you. Now please, just let me fuck you, honey.”

“Okay.” You looped your fingers into his belt loops, tugging the material of his jeans down until they were low enough to release his cock, a hiss leaving him as the cold air swept over him. Throbbing and red, precum oozed from the slit on his head and you let out a whimper at the sight, a strained chuckle leaving him. Inching forward, you leaned down, your fingers wrapping around him gently to line him up with your dripping core before you were sinking yourself down onto him.

Cries of joy left both of you, your foreheads pressed together and Sam could feel your breath panting over his cheek as your jaw hung slack, until your hips were seated snugly together. “You’re so tight, holy fuck.” He felt like the words were wheezed out of him, and he knew you could feel every throw and pulse of his cock between your walls because he could feel every flutter and squeeze you gave him. “M’ so not gonna’ last long.”

“Me either.” You whispered, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before steadying your hands on his shoulder, his fingers flexing on his hips and he choked back a moan as you adjusted yourself rising up on your hips before slamming back down onto him, your eyes rolling back as his lips parted, a sigh leaving him as he thrust up a little to meet you the second time.

Adjusting yourself, you reached one hand out to grip onto the cold metal of the railing beside you, and your other was digging marks into his shoulder, even through the layers of material covering him. Tugging at the hem of your dress, he pushed it up until he had it bunched around your waist, watching the place where your panties were pushed to the side, his cock sliding into and out of your slick hole, covered in your juices and glistening in the night light.

He licked at the pad of his thumb, dropping it to rub rapid circles onto your clit as you squeaked, hips bucking against his with more force and speed as your body became weak, your walls clenching around him so tightly he could barely thrust up into you. You were shaking above him, crying out his name.

“K-Keep doing that.” You licked over your lips, and he grinned, picking up the speed as you locked your hips down into him, both of you spiralling towards your edges as you moved together in lazy but frantic movements, your bodies slamming together as each thrusted connection rocked you both, your nerves on fire. He could feel it in the pit of his belly, just watching you become unravelled above him, his name spilling from your lips in near screams as you pleased yourself on his cock, and he knew he was close.

“Gonna’ cum for me, honey? C’mon, I can feel how close you are. Let me fill you up, just cum for me, sweetheart.”

You nodded, a scream of his name tearing from your lips as bliss took over your body, your hands shakily finding his jaw. You moaned into his mouth, your tongues tangling together as you came, and he gripped onto you just as tightly, his cock twitching before he was breaking, falling over the edge with you and spattering your walls with streams of hot cum, a cry of your name carrying him over the edge.

You continued to move slowly through your highs, before you finally slumped against his chest, your skin shining with a thin layer of sweat, like his, despite the cool night breeze that was brushing over your both as you pressed together. Your arms were looped around his neck, his around your waist as he nuzzled into your neck, holding you close. “That was fucking incredible.” He mumbled, and you laughed tiredly, pulling back to kiss him softly, your fingers carding through his hair soothingly.

“Yeah, it really was.”

Silence overtook the two of you for a few minutes, nothing but the panting you made as you tried to slow your racing hearts and calm your breathing sounded out, until he groaned lowly, your fingers catching on a piece of hair and tugging a little. His cock, still buried within you, twitched in urgency as his half-hard dick seemed to be springing into action once again, and Sam could feel heat crawling up his cheeks as you giggled at him.

“Already?”

“Can’t help it, I’ve wanted this for a long time.” He mumbled, pouting his lips and growling as you purposefully swivelled your hips, clenching around him as you leaned in to kiss him, your teasing laugh at your actions making it more of a messy exchange of lips and tongues than a passionate kiss.

“How about we see what it’s like when you do me up against the wall inside, then?” You winked down at him, wiggling your eyebrows as his hands slid around under your ass, scooping you up in his arms as he stumbled to his feet, cock still nestled deep within you as you clung to him and laughed.

“Fuck, yes.”

[pocketmosaic]

Who am I and why this blog?

What a good question, I am so glad you asked.  I am a 45 year old, mother of three, who has fibromyalgia, cfs/me and arthritis.  I guess I should also say that I am single as that is usually one of the first questions people ask when you meet them.

My children are aged 26 (yes, I know I was young when I had him), 20 and 18.  My eldest lives in the Midlands (UK) which is where his Dad and his family are, I don’t see him very often but I have been fortunate (in some ways) to have been able to spend 2 months with him this year.  I say fortunate in some ways because the reason he stayed with me for so long was because he was having a bit of a crisis and needed to get away.  Thankfully while he was here he helped me almost, if not more than I helped him.

The younger two live with me in East Anglia (UK), their father (who is a different man to my eldest’s dad) lives 10 minutes away.  My 20 year old is my main carer, he also helps with the 18 year old who has autism and social anxiety.  My 20 year old has been my rock through the years and I don’t believe that I would be sat here today if it hadn’t been for him and his support (and yes I do make sure that he knows that he is a very amazing person, even if he doesn’t always believe it).  Sadly he lost his job in the hospitality industry during the COVID-19 epidemic, as did so many others.  He didn’t work full-time but I do think that it was important for him to have that outlet, where he could make friends and do things that were not related to helping me and his sister.  We are trying to do thinhgs to help him rejoin the working world when the shielding is over.

As I mentioned my daughter has autism and severe social anxiety.  Around Oct 2017 she had total meltdown and refused to go to school, leave the house or even go near a door that was open to the outside.  She was in mainstream school before that, she is very clever and quite talented when it comes to anime drawings.  Sadly we did have quite a few problems with bullying, which the school did try and help with, even getting the police involved when the situation called for it.  Unfortunately, despite my asking for help several times, everything going on in the outside world just became too much for her and she put on the brakes.  We have had a little bit of help and after a lot of hard work on our part we managed to get her to leave the house.  She would go down to the local shop and the chip shop next door (about a 5 minute round trip), and we managed to get a volunteer to come and take her to a cat sanctuary once a week.  Two weeks after she had started doing this the cattery shut its doors to all non-necessary staff and then we went into lockdown mark 1.  Since then she has taken several steps backwards (although she does still do the shop trip if she has to).  I have been trying to encourage her to come out of her room and she refused to speak to me for 8 weeks, she wouldn’t even look at me.  We are now talking but she doesn’t come and search me out as she did before.  I am sure we will be okay and once the pandemic has some solution then we will work again at getting her out there.

I started by telling you about the children because it does tie in with what I am about to say in a few.  I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and CFS/ME about 15 years ago, gosh that was a long road to get the diagnosis.  It took about 4 more years to get my arthritis diagnosis because whenever I mentioned the pains they automatically put it down to the fibro/ME no matter how hard I tried to convince them that this pain was different.  Thankfully someone eventually listened and that meant that I could learn to do things that could help.  I do have other problems which impact my life slightly less than these, but we could be here a while if I went to deep into that and I am sure you don’t want that lol.

Long story short, I put on a lot of weight (about 6 stone or 84 pounds or 38.1kg), I was struggling to stay awake long enough to cook a meal and so I would just grab easy convenient snacks which we all know are not great substitutes but if I hadn’t done that then I probably wouldn’t have eaten anything.  I also wasn’t moving around anywhere near as much as I used to do, I had always been doing something before and although my diet wasn’t great I was burning up a lot of those calories so while I have never been skinny I wasn’t a big girl,

Up to the present(ish), I have battled with depression and anxiety for a long time, some of it because of how I looked a lot of it because of what I couldn’t do.  I forgot to focus on what I could do, what I did have.  A few weeks ago I went for a short walk by the quay (all my walks are short because it hurts so much and after a short time I struggle to pick up my feet).  I was watching the water, which I find very peaceful, and I saw a branch floating by on the current.  I was taken by an major urge to jump in and float off with it, which I am sure you will be glad to hear I managed to resist.  I thought about just getting into my car and driving until everything and everyone I knew were far behind me.  I felt like they would be better without me in their lives.

Somehow I managed to get back home and I tried to figure out how I had got to this point in my life.  I know I was missing my eldest, I was pleased I had managed to help him out but it had left a big hole when he went back home.  While he was with me we managed to sort out my house and threw away most of the clutter, which was great I felt like things were starting to move the right way.  So why had I spent weeks crying night and day?  I was awful to be around, even the woman who comes in to help me with the things I struggle to do wasn’t able to help with how I was feeling.

I knew I was lonely, although I have two children living at home they spend the majority of the time in their rooms, my daughter was ignoring me (even looking at the wall when she came to a room I was in so she didn’t have to look at me).  Every time I watched the television I would hear stories on how the lockdown had brought families together and how they were doing more as a family.  I couldn’t relate to that at all.  There was also so much talk about how people were keeping in touch over zoom or the like, I hadn’t even had one talk like that.  I don’t have a lot of friends, I am not good at keeping in touch and after you have had to cancel last minute so many times people stop asking you to do things.

I hated the way I looked but I had no clue on how to change it, every time I have tried to do any exercise I have suffered for days afterwards, even having a conversation with someone would leave me drained.  I had managed to lose 3 stone before the first lockdown but, after struggling to get deliveries and when I did it seemed that the things they couldn’t provide were all the healthy options I tried to get, I put back on 2 stone.  My face was starting to show the ravages of time, the worst being the hooded eyes I now have. I have always liked my eyes so it is sad they are not as noticeable as they used to be.

I think I might be coming up to the menopause, my period was over two weeks late at that point (it took another week before it said hello).  Any of you women out there will know that when your period is late it causes your hormones to go out of whack.  Looking back I know that had something to do with how I was feeling.

I remembered something my Dad had told me, “If you can do something about it then do so, if you can’t then all the worrying in the world won’t do anything”.  I decided that I had to try and do something to fix the problem areas I saw in my life.  I couldn’t do much about my hormones, expecially as it is the first time in over a year that it has taken so long which means the doctor wouldn’t do anything.  That meant I just had to let that one sort itself out.

I knew that if I listened to some Toby Keith or Kellie Pickler I always felt better (well Kellie does have two songs which make me cry because they cut so close to home but in a strange way even that makes me feel less alone), so I decided I was going to start listening to them, amongst others, more and if I could I would dance to them, that would at least get me started with moving.  It helped because I did lose 6 pounds in the two weeks leading up to this second lockdown.

Facing another month of lockdown I wanted to do something that would help me and also stop me from worrying about the fact that I couldn’t go for a cuppa with my carer and her partner on a tuesday morning.  So I decided to set myself a challenge.  I want to leave lock down looking better than I did when I entered it.  This meant looking for exercises that I could realisticaly do, I can’t see squats ever being a big part of any exercise routine I ever do.  I found some arm exercises that could be done sitting down, then I learnt about the wall push or standing push-up, I tried it and found that I could manage that so I added that one in.  I also looked at loads of videos for slimming down the stomach, the one exercise they all included was the plank.  Now I didn’t think I would be able to manage that, especially getting down and back up again, but I am pretty stubborn so I figured that I would try it.  The first time I thought I was going to die by the fifth second but I managed it and I am now going to try and do it as often as I can, after all no-one is about to see the crazy ways I have to use to pick myself up afterwards.

I also decided that I needed to lay down some house rules.  I drew up contracts for the two children who live with me (by drew up I mean I found some templates online and adapted them to suit).  Part of the contract stipulates that they need to spend some time with me while they are both home full-time.  That has stopped me from feeling so isolated even though they are here.  I have been making plans on what I want to do when the world returns to some sort of normality.  My life has basically been on hold for the past 15 years, I don’t even know how that happened, but it did and I am determined that I am going to put myself out there when I can (I might change my mind later, but at least for now it is giving me something positive to look forward to).

I had always said that when my youngest reached 18 (which happened during the first lockdown) I was going to start travelling.  This is definitely something I plan to keep to when travel plans can be a little more stable.  I used to be an active member of the theatre when I was in the Midlands but I didn’t even know we had one here until last lock down.  I want to look into joining them and doing some theatre stuff, that was the job I always wanted a far cry from what I ended up doing which was mechanical engineering.  I have a couple more things in the “to-do” bank but they are just the ones I am going to mention for now.

I don’t want to get back to that place where I want to disappear, to keep me on track I started this blog.  I want a record of where I started and how I am progressing, and it kinda gives me some sort of accountability.  It also makes me write something every day which is going to help me with another dream.  That, however, is a story for another time.

Take care and believe in yourself, you CAN do it, whatever IT may be.

[everyonesonthespectrum]

30 days of Autism Acceptance: Day 3!

April 3: Talk about special interests. Do you have any? What are they? How long have you had them? What does it feel like to have special interests? What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your past special interests

HOO BOY! Ok, I’ll try not to go on too long about my special interests, but I have a lot to say about them! Also, some of my special interests are in this weird grey area of “are they a SpIn or a hyperfixation?”, so I’ll cover those as well, and make it noted when that’s the case for one. Also, this will be VERY LONG, so I’ll put it under a cut.

SpIn #1 - Pokemon

Pokemon has been my main special interest since I was 9, I believe! Black was my first game that I got for my birthday, and I was super happy to get it since all of my friends at the time would talk about it! I’ve gotten (almost?) every major release since then, thought I usually only get one out of the two versions. 

The Pokemon games that I have are *inhales*: Black, Black 2, HeartGold (got a few years after it came out), X (I have the limited edition 3DS), Alpha Sapphire, Moon (first completed Pokedex!), Ultra Moon (haven’t beat and probably never will), Let’s Go, Eevee!, Sword (still trying to beat), Conquest, Art Academy, PMD: Gates to Infinity, Picross, Rumble World, Battle Trozei, Pokemon Quest, Pokemon Playhouse (for when I’m regressed), Poke Park 1 & 2,  My Pokemon Ranch, and Battle Revolution!

I also used to play the TCG competitively, and in my first competition, I placed 9th in my division! I stopped playing about a year after that though because the cards I used in my strategy when I would practice with my Dad were too old to be viable.

I have a growing stuffie and merch collection as well! I have a lot of Unova stuffies, and a print of the Unova map that I got at a ren faire when I was younger (it currently hangs above my dresser)! My two favorite stuffies at this time are Baby my Eevee Build-A-Bear (named after my Eevee in Let’s Go, Eevee!), and Lily my Wooloo! I have a couple of Pokemon sketch cards that friends of my Dad’s drew, and some prints and figure-y things I’ve gotten in Artist Alleys over the years!

I also own a couple of different Pokemon books (not the manga, though), and 2 of the movies, along with the OSTs for B/W, X/Y, and ORAS! I don’t have much as far as clothing goes though, except for my “Gotta Catch ‘Em All” scarf and a Pikachu hat I got at an old anime store at the mall that has since closed. That’s probably all I can remember right now!

SpIn #2 - Steam Powered Giraffe

SPG has been a special interest for about 4 years now? Anyway, they’re my #1 favorite band and have literally saved my life. Watching Bunny Bennett’s (who plays Rabbit) vlogs about her transition, along with listening to the song Transform that she wrote (waaay before they just made it a single) really helped me accept myself and come out. 

They also came at a time where I was struggling emotionally a lot, and I remember being stuck in the ER hooked up to an IV, and my mom played some of their albums for me to keep me calm and grounded. More recently, I saw them perform at Anime Midwest last year, and when they performed Transform (which neither me or my friends expected), we were all hugging each other and crying tears of joy (my friends are trans as well, and have also been touched by Bunny’s vlogs).

Their songs (not including the sad ones) make me really happy as well, and Make Believe makes me stim a lot in particular! I also got to sing Honeybee as part of a voice coaching summer camp I took last year, and it felt really good to do it! I really recommend listening to them, especially if you like steampunk and/or you’re looking for trans artists to support!

SpIn #3 - Little Shop of Horrors

So this is more of a fairly recent one, compared to the first two. This special interest mostly applies to the 1986 movie, but I’ve seen the stage musical as well! The music, the cast, the plot, it’s all *chef’s kiss*. But for real though, my two favorite things about the movie are the practical effects and the endings.

With the CGI fresh hell we got with CATS, you may thing, “wow, special effects were so much better back then”. Except here’s the thing, they were practical effects. Audrey II is (I believe) entirely puppetry, not CGI. The same applies for the musical as well! It really culminated at the end of the film during “Mean Green Mother from Outer Space”, when Audrey II is at it’s biggest and most elaborate. Speaking of that scene, I much prefer the director’s cut over the theatrical cut. I know that the happy ending is much better for Audrey and Seymour, but “Don’t Feed The Plants” is an absolute banger, and I get a good cry out of it too.

I heard they might be making a remake of the movie, which I’m hesitant about, again, seeing how CATS turned out. We can only hope that they listen to the fans, and make the right decisions when it comes to making it.

SpIn #4 - Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure

Ok, so this is one of those aformentioned “is it a SpIn or a hyperfixation” moments. I’ve been hyperfixated on JJBA for the past 6 months and I’m physically unable to shut up about it XD

I’m about to start watching part 4 of the anime, I just need to set aside time to do it. I watched it a tad out of order, my ex told me to skip part 1 and watch a synopsis of it, so I started with part 2 (I’m a huge part 2 stan btw), got to part 3, was confused by everything going on with DIO, so I went back, watched part 1, and then resumed part 3.

As I mentioned, I’m a huge part 2 stan, so I currently have several part 2 character cosplays in the works. This includes (but isn’t limited to) Caesar, Suzi Q, Playboy Bunny Caesar (inspired by a piece of art that @tinypalettes drew), Tequila Joseph (but like,, actually decent drag), and Cleric Suzi Q from the JJBA D&D session me and my friends are having. I also want to do a drag/latex DIO look, along with maid DIO inspired by an old JUMP cover and a fanfic I read the other day.

I get a little nervous about doing/going to JJBA events at conventions because I’m worried about running into my ex, but knowing that I have supportive people with me helps a lot.

SpIn #5 - Homestuck/Hiveswap

So this is another one of those “SpIn or hyperfixation” moments as well. I’ve been into Homestuck since late 2016, but I’ve never been super involved in the fandom. Like, yes, I have a moirail and I’ve been in and hosted panels at conventions, but I’ve encountered some toxic people in it, so I try to distance myself.

I will say, however, that Homestucks are loyal to their fandom, and will buy merch if they like it. When I say that, yes, I mean myself, but it’s mostly about my Etsy customers. If you look at my sales history, the majority of it is quadrant necklaces, almost always the moirail ones. I get some orders for horns and pillows too, but not as often as the necklaces. When it comes to exhibiting at conventions, it depends. I normally don’t put Homestuck stuff out on the table because it’s such a niche, but when I do, people will usually buy a lot at once. For example, at Wizard World Madison in 2018, one guy bought $50-60 worth of Homestuck sprites from me. That weekend was the best I’ve ever done, and I haven’t come close since. My Etsy store started out as just me making Homestuck sprites for me and my friends too, so I’m glad that I was able to expand and give others what I like as well.

I’m also involved in a Hiveswap YouTube musical, and I’ve made a lot of good friends through it! We’re on hiatus right now, but we should be starting up again soon! I also have a lot of Homestuck cosplays! I’ve done Karkat, John, Jade, Nepeta, Trickster Nepeta, Karkat Peixes (a bloodswap), and I have a lot more that I want to do!

SpIn #6 - Danganronpa

So Danganronpa is (probably) one of those last “SpIn or hyperfixation” things. I’ve been into Danganronpa since 2018 (I think?), and DR:AE is my favorite (mostly because I’m a Kotoko and Toko kinnie oof-)!

Right now, my only Danganronpa cosplay is Toko/Syo, but I’m working on a couple of j-fashion (particularly menhera and fairy kei) inspired looks to do with my moirail (who was the one who got me into j-fashion), and just some Amazon/eBay cosplays as well! I’m also working on a Future Foundation Toko cosplay to do with my moirail so we can do Tokomaru together (though most of it is thrifting and clothes I already have)!

I own DR1, SDR2, and DR:AE on my computer, but I don’t play them much. The second trial in DR1 gives me panic attacks because of the whole breaking of trust thing (I’ve heard the audios and I just,,, break down), I haven’t touched SDR2 yet, and I’m sucky at the controls for DR:AE. However, I’ve watched the anime and I’ve seen let’s plays, so I have a feel for what’s going on, though I may not remember it all correctly since I haven’t watched them in a while.

———————————–

So that’s most (if not all) of my special interests! I probably forgot some, but it’s getting late and I need to pack for my Mom’s and go to bed. I hope you all have a good night!

[megalony]

Big boy

This is a dad! Ben Hardy imagine that is part of my Little James series dealing with Ben’s son who has autism and ADHD. I have finally gotten back to writing for this series again. Feedback is always appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

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Turning her head, (Y/n) looked down at James who was sitting next to her on the bed. Her chest constricted when he suddenly clamped his hands down on his ears before beginning to shake his head as his eyes snapped closed.

They were currently having some chill time as part of a new routine for him that they had come up with.

After preschool he either did colouring or he sat and listened to some music or watched a DVD and after dinner he had quiet time where he either played upstairs in the den or he had a nap. Routines were important to James but at the same time, sometimes routines did annoy him if they made days feel like they were mushing together and he felt stuck. But for the time being this daily routine was working so they kept it up.

The last visit they had to the doctor showed that James was developing 'sensory overload'. Where either he was overloading his hearing by loud or quiet noises or gaining headaches from colouring or sometimes it was eating the same food repeatedly which made him go off the food. They had to make sure he had quiet time to stop this from happening because it was beginning to make him worse and more frustrated which they didn't want nor need.

"Baby, what's the matter?" (Y/n) had a suspicion what the matter was, he had been fidgeting more and more over the past few minutes and he hadn't been singing along either. They were watching Mamma Mia because James liked the songs and he could sing along with them.

"Too loud." He muttered, suddenly shaking his head from side to side as he looked like he was about to cry, even when (Y/n) turned the volume down on the tv. Sometimes he had just been listening to voices or to the tv or music for too long and it gradually upset him like it was now.

As soon as the volume was turned down James suddenly let out a sharp cry, his hands removing from his ears to tap and hit at (Y/n) to try and get her to make the noise stop completely. James had sensitive hearing, the tv could be on low and it would be too loud for him. He hated any noises too loud, especially people shouting but if the volume was on quiet so it was like a whisper it seemed to mess with his head. He hated muttering and he couldn't handle the quiet noises because when they stopped it still relayed in his head for a moment or two.

(Y/n) fumbled to pause the movie before she wrapped her arms around James and held him to her chest. Trying to shush him as she got to her feet. He needed some quiet time and that was always something he did when he was in the den. He sat with his teddies and blankets and calmed down, sometimes he started to read and other times he just sat and waited until he felt better.

"Alright baby, you can have some quiet time now." (Y/n) cooed, pressing her lips to his temple as he clung to her neck just a little too tightly. His knees digging harshly into her hips as he didn't seem to want to let her go or he thought she might drop him.

"No, I don't wanna-"

"Yes, darling you have to calm down now. No music or tv for a little while, you sit in here and try to have a nap." Entering James' room, (Y/n) bent down on her knees in front of the cupboard. Gently setting him down and watching him scurry into the cupboard that was one of his safe places.

James grabbed his Harry Potter blanket which he threw over himself before grabbing a teddy and putting it under his arm in a death grip. He glanced his baby green eyes over to (Y/n) before attempting to reach up for the small purple CD player resting on the lowest shelf in the cupboard. A whine mixed with a cry left his lips as he slapped her hand to try and reach for the player again.

James wasn't so good with quiet time because he hated absolute silence. Even though the music a moment ago had been too loud, he had been talking and listening to the tv for an hour, going from that level of noise to complete silence wasn't going to go well with him. But (Y/n) knew if he continued to watch tv or they chatted it was only going to overload his senses even more. And he hadn't had a nap today, he was due to have an hour sleep or just half an hour, he needed some time to calm down.

"No music." (Y/n) stated with a shake of her head, her tone gentle but stern enough to show she wasn't compromising on that.

"Mummy!" He cried, suddenly throwing the teddy in his arms down in front of him as he tipped his head back as he cried. (Y/n) closed her eyes for a moment to stay calm when James suddenly screamed very sharply as soon as she took the CD player off the shelf. Attempting to leave him in his room to calm down without the temptation of playing music and upsetting himself even more.

"Buddy, what are you doing?" Ben suddenly questioned, walking into the room with Lola in his arms. James seemed to be having a lot of tantrums lately but he did settle a little better with Ben. He clung to (Y/n) when he was doing activities such as watching movies or especially when he was colouring but when he was upset Ben had the ability to calm him down.

Ben rocked Lola in his arms in a failing attempt to get her calm enough to go to sleep. The two-year-old was recovering from pneumonia and was therefore coughing and wheezing a lot. He had her resting on his chest, her head on his shoulder as he had her fluffy Winnie the Pooh blanket tucked tightly around her to keep her warm. She had her hand gripping his shirt as she had her eyes wide open and staring at him to show she wasn't going to sleep just yet.

He moved and sat down on James' bed, his eyes glancing between his boy and his wife to see what the problem was. Sighing when he noticed the CD player in her hand implying she was trying to get him to have some quiet time.

"Why don't you play the raindrop CD for five minutes?" Ben questioned, seeing it was a compromise he used a lot with James. It was simply a record of the rain pattering against windows and against the ground and it was rather calming and it wasn't music. It did get repetitive but for now, it might just be enough for him. James nodded his head frantically, his hands latching on (Y/n)'s arms to try and get her to agree.

"Five minutes. Then you have quiet time and settle for a nap." He nodded again at her words, breathing in relief as he stopped crying when (Y/n) set the CD player back on the shelf. Scanning through the CD collection before finding the right one.

(Y/n) made sure it was on quiet, watching as James laid down with a few teddies hugged to his chest before she and Ben left the room. They needed to get James to have quiet time because the more he was around noises all day with no break the more it upset him. Especially at night when they couldn't settle him because it was either too loud or too quiet. He had to start having breaks to calm down or he would get himself worked up.

Ben headed back into the girl's room, sitting on the rocking chair next to Lola's cot to see if that would settle her down for her own nap as (Y/n) went into her and Ben's room for a while.

When (Y/n) headed back into James' room after a few minutes, he was bundled under a few more blankets with his teddies cuddled against him but she could instantly see he was no calmer than before. He was wriggling under the blankets and his breathing was laboured. A sigh passed through her lips when his foot suddenly lashed out and hit against the wall. They had set pillows around the walls of the cupboard so if he lashed out and hit or kicked he wouldn't hurt himself. Which was something that seemed to annoy him as he couldn't get his frustration out whilst kicking a pillow.

He instantly stopped kicking the pillow when (Y/n) turned the CD player off and took it from the shelf so he couldn't turn it back on. His ash-blond hair was ruffled as he pulled the blanket away from his head so he could look up at his mother. His face burning red from anger and tears before he suddenly wailed.

"Mummy no! I want it back... mummy!" He screeched and started to thrust his legs at the wall before bashing his hands against the blankets when she shook her head.

James rolled himself onto his stomach before bashing his fist into her leg which actually did hurt a bit. He started to hit her foot, not bothering to get up as he was either too tired or couldn't be bothered. When (Y/n) moved out the way he leaned further to try and hit her, managing to scratch his nails against her leg before he started hitting the floor again.

"That's naughty, we don't do that James. It's quiet time now, so you calm down and you stay here for a while." (Y/n) left the room, shutting his bedroom door as she took the CD player and left it in her and Ben's room. Sometimes when James had a tantrum they left him to burn out his energy and then they went to him when he was finally calm. It was only when he started to really kick up a fuss or was in danger of hurting himself that they had to intervene. If they kept going to him everytime he got angry and smothered him he would act up more when he thought it got him his own way.

Setting Lola into her cot as she was finally dozing to sleep, Ben quickly left the room when a rather loud crashing sound caught his attention. He followed (Y/n) into James' room again, both of them leaning around to look in the cupboard.

Bending down on her knees, (Y/n) moved so she was just on the threshold of the cupboard. Her hands reaching out to try and move James as he had realised he could cause noise and quite a lot of chaos by hitting the shelves that would creak and quite possibly break with the right force.

(Y/n) quickly reeled back and let go of him when he lashed out, hitting his fist against her neck. James never meant to hurt anyone and it wasn't very often that he did hit or kick but he didn't understand he could hurt people when he did that. He just knew that lashing out made him feel better and released the frustration he felt. He had noticed that when Ben carried him and he had a tantrum Ben sometimes let him thrash around in his arms but not always.

Leaning down, Ben quickly slipped his hands under (Y/n)'s arms and pulled her to her feet.

"Out." He ordered, nodding for her to stand out of the way. He knew James didn't mean it but Ben didn't like James near any of the girls when he got like this in case he hurt them by mistake.

(Y/n) stood a few feet back near the door as she watched Ben struggle to get into the cupboard that wasn't made for his frame and build. Leaning down as much as he could in the small space, Ben reached down and held James' wrists in his hands before effortlessly pulling his only boy to his feet. James thrashed in Ben's hold, trying to fall back down so he could curl up or continue to kick out but Ben held him up to his feet.

He shuffled out of the cupboard, pulling James with him who let out a scream, still not done with his tantrum just yet. He had his eyes snapped closed as he bent his knees to try and sit down but Ben wasn't having it anymore. He couldn't let James continue to thrash around because he would hurt himself if he tried to hit the shelves or kick the walls. The cupboard was good to let him sit and read or play or have a nap but it wasn't the best for temper tantrums because the size meant James could hurt himself.

Lifting his arms up, Ben lifted James from his feet and set him down on the bed. He grabbed the fluffy blanket neatly folded at the end of the bed as he knelt down in front of James and quickly wrapped the blanket around the little boy.

James tried hitting and thrashing but all he could manage was writhing his body side to side and bashing his fist against the blanket. Ben knew constraining him like this wasn't the best idea but it meant he couldn't hurt them or himself and he was hoping it would show him he couldn't lash out and would make him stop.

"Right. You're going to stop hitting out and either sit here and talk to me or you go sit back in the cupboard and calm down. Which is it?" Ben rose his brows when James slowly opened his eyes to see what kind of expression Ben had. He seemed to learn more and understand situations better by facial expressions and right now Ben was looking unhappy but with a certain calmness that showed he wasn't going to shout.

Ben took a chance and let go of James to see what he would do but the little boy simply pulled the blanket over his head and curled up on the bed. Writhing around under the blanket before kicking at the mattress.

"Temper tantrums don't work, James. They don't get you anything or make it better." Ben folded his arms over his chest as he waited for a response either verbal or action. His head turned to the side, nodding at (Y/n) that she was okay to leave when they both heard Lola begin to have yet another coughing fit. "Big boys don't have tantrums like this and they don't ignore their dads either. Are you a big boy or not?"

James let out a wail but he stopped thrashing around and Ben knew he had him there. James loved Ben referring to him as a big boy, he felt special and he liked being told he was doing something right or that he was like his dad. He continued to say nothing but he moved the blanket so he was looking at Ben. Waiting for him to continue talking as he was going to listen now.

"Big boy." James suddenly whispered, tucking the blanket tightly around him as he leaned his cheek against the mattress. Watching Ben fold his arms on the bed and rest his chin on them so they were level.

"I thought so. Now, what did we say when you get angry like that?" Ben watched his boy as he frowned in concentration, trying to think what Ben was referring to but he couldn't remember or be sure. "When you get angry you can throw teddies but you do not hit anyone. And we don't get angry around the girls, do we?" James knew it was okay to throw teddies, he could bundle up in the blankets or hit the blankets or some pillows but he had to at least try and be cautious around any of the girls.

"Wanted CD." He muttered quietly, refusing to meet Ben's eyes.

"Yes, but you don't hit your mum when you don't get your own way and you know that. If you're a big boy then you'll go and apologise when you feel better, okay?" If James couldn't help but lash out then he had to get in the habit of apologising after he did so because it would help him to learn that it was something he should try hard not to do but if he did it would then be okay to say sorry because he never meant it.

"Promise."

"Good boy. Now you still have to have quiet time because it helps to get you to sleep and you'll feel better. So are you going to have quiet time on your own in the den or do you want me to lie with you for a bit?" If James suddenly thought a tantrum stopped quiet time he would carry on with that and they couldn't keep going through this.

He had to have a wind-down time so he could get used to the peace and quiet, overwhelming and overloading his senses may be something he thought he should do because he didn't like silence but he had to have quiet moments every now and then. The more he got used to having these sessions in the day and learning to take naps during them it would make him feel better and it would help him get to sleep quicker at night. Right now it was taking them at least an hour or more to get him to calm down, try and ignore little noises he focused on and wait for him to stop jittering or tapping the wall or the bed and let his mind shut down.

"You stay with me." James responded before shuffling over so that Ben could climb on the bed with him.

He opened his arms to let James crawl into his embrace, tucking himself under Ben's arm as he kept the blanket tucked around himself. He fisted Ben' shirt in his hands as he let a few tears fall, burying himself further into his dad when Ben kissed his temple.

"No tears buddy, you're alright. Try and go to sleep." Ben slowly turned over so he was laying on his side with James tucked up against his chest. Clinging to him as if to make sure he wasn't about to leave. Ben could feel James slowly tracing his index finger over his chest, drawing a few patterns and tapping against him because he couldn't lie still with his ADHD. But Ben did notice his son's breaths evening out as he was beginning to calm down, clearly having used up a lot of his energy thrashing around.

James calmed down even more when he felt Ben carding his fingers through his blond locks that matched his father's except that Ben's hair curled more than James' did. He rhythmically ran his fingers through James' hair, brushing it back as he felt himself almost drifting to sleep too.

"Go to sleep, buddy."

[jamiebluewind]

Character Descriptions for Fantasy High 2.9!

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As always, let me know if I need to edit or add anything and tag/ask/PM me about art and stories so I can check them out!

Warning: trauma, abuse, mental abuse, neglect, starvation, manipulation, memory loss mention, dark themes, isolation, imprisonment, fantasy racism, vomit mention (please let me know if I missed any)

All pronounciations typed out have a rolled R.

***

Facts

The party is currently at 44,100 exp. each. Next level is at 48,000 (which will probably take 3 more big battles, 2 if Brennan is super generous with RP awards).

Abernant family had all their land and wealth reclaimed by The Court of Stars for their treachery and failure to prevent a war with Solace. Elianwyn committed treason and betrayal as well.

To save Adaine, the group decided to break up into 3 teams: Pylon 1 (Ragh, Tracker, Cathilda, and Sandra Lynn), Pylon 2 (Gorgug, Fabian, and Riz), and Recovery (Ayda, Fig, and Kristen). Team 1 and 2 would simultaneously take out the pylons. Then, the recovery team would go in (invisible and/or disguised) and gets Adaine and Aelwyn. They would all meet back at Van where they would most likely use Ayda's teleport to leave Fallinel (or regroup to plan their next move).

***

New Characters

Tell-ah-mine Low-men-el-da

Fabian's grandpapa

Tall elf with regal green robes, a silver circlet, long platinum white blond hair with a widows peak, and shimmering blue eyes

Crinkle in the corners of his eyes shows his age in sort of an Elrond way. He look of a dude in his late 40s/early 50s who took excellent care of his body and kept it tight

Moves with supernatural grace

Can turn into silver sand and float away

Has no concept of what time means

Obsessed with the fact that his grandson will die before him (Your human blood has brought mortality to this family. You will one day die.)

Offers to send word to an elf who is a fabled eye smith who lives on the high mountains at the heart of Fallinel that can craft a working eye (from songs, whispers, beams of moonlight, jeweled edges of the blue of the sea, and shimmering poems pulled from the ether itself) for Fabian, but has no clue how long it will take (a moment, a year, or a hundred years).

Can't pronounce words in common very well, especially words he's never heard before (which delights Fabian and pisses off Gorgug)

Calls Fabian Aramais Seacaster fa-bee-ahn ah-rye-ah-my-ess Seacaster (which might actually be the proper pronouncations of his name in that region as "Seacaster" was said correctly and that's how all the other elves say his name as well) and calls Hallariel ha-lair-ee-el

Weeps without moving his face, but also sometimes makes a soft eeehhhh sound when he cries (at one point he cried over a drop of water)

Gifted stewardship of Khy-low Meh-new-rah 3000 years ago after he crafted The Sword of the North Star (he was the smith of fung-dran-ghoor) for the ancient king of Fallinel Th-wrist-win Eversong.

"Without the Elven Oracle, we are lost."

Saw the Abernants as power hungry and cruel and can't understand why they would leave Fallinel. He found Anguin in particular to be a crass and small man with no nobility, only a thirst for power.

Thinks Riz has a harsh energy, is "a little dick", and calls him "a strange green mouse thing"

Got physically ill when a gun was explained to him, calling it gross and some dwarven kind of thing before vomiting which he turns into a flock of white crows

Vhan-lair-ee-el

Fabian's aunt

Tried to heal Fabian's pneumonia with elvan singing

Said "I have failed" when her singing doesn't work before she fades into starlight and vanishes

Hal-door-in and [unnamed youth]

Elven teens in white linen shorts arguing because [unnamed] believes Hal-door-in took his lute.

Calmed by a distant song which stopped their fight.

Faf-threth-riel

Lithe elven youth (around 17 or 18 years old) with a blond mop of hair covering one eye

Bakes elven whey bread

Lived a sheltered life

Ragh was the first half-orc he met

Mostly into Ragh due to Ragh being half orc, excessively talking about his green skin (like the boughs of a tree leafy, my leafy man), being big and beefy (your legs are like the mighty trunks of trees), was really into rage (like when Ragh punched a seat cushion) to the point of it making Ragh uncomfortable

Sang in bed

Treth-thren-ren

Elven youth who does morning dance yoga

Tried to get Fabian to eat a grape

Oak Warriors

Elemental plant based automaton soldiers made of pure magic

Look like 8 foot tall green men with leaves coming from their faces

***

Changes to Established Characters

Aelwyn

Matted long blond hair

Dry skin, chapped colorless lips, and thick bags under her eyes

Severely dehydrated and trance deprived (probably hasn't been allowed to trance for nearly a year)

5 points of exhaustion. Only magic is keeping her from going to the 6th level and dying.

Her "room" is a large large beautiful elven chamber with silver and marble. Ambiant light glows from the white stone.

Trapped inside a 15 foot diameter orb that's constantly turning so she can't trance

Crawling on hands and knees while trapped, shaking with the effort

Doesn't give Adaine up to Kear

Can still remember how to cast the message cantrip

Feels strange and addled (unable to think clearly; confused), can't remember what's real or imagined anymore, doesn't clearly remember what happened in her past (including what she did to get imprisoned), and forgets what she and Adaine have already talked about (causing a lot of reputation).

Thinks her parents "tried their best they could" and that "they expected quite a lot of us, but isn't that what- doesn't that... didn't that make us great?" (possibly due to something her father said or did since her imprisonment as it echoes a few things he's said)

Gilear

Looks scruffy (from not shaving), dirty, and has pit stains

Somehow didn't mess up being diplomatic with Fabian's grandpapa

Unbuttons the top button on his shirt when he "lets loose"

To Fig about Sandra Lynn and Garthy: Are you aware of such... hanky panky?

Learning of Sandra Lynn's infidelity with Garthy "Honestly? Perhaps this is... fucked up. It makes me feel... like there wasn't something uniquely wrong with me. Maybe a tiny little w for Gilear."

Spent the night walking through the forest with Hallariel's father, reciting poetry (badly)

To Fabian after Hallariel's father threw up "You're low and he's low. It's Gilear's day baby! It's Gilear's day."

Tried to ask Hallariel's father for her hand, but even though Fig gave him bardic inspiration and Riz helped by covering Fabian's mouth, he failed... so much. ("Lord Tell-ah-mine of Khy-low Meh-new-rah I like you am-" *makes himself throw up* "We get it. We both get it. We... We're the throw up boys." *passes out*)

Ayda

Hid in the van the entire visit

Might have rejection sensitive dysphoria (which is common in those with autism or ADHD)

Did a sending spell to Zelda for Gorgug for 150 gold (after reminding him that she very much does not like anyone in her debt or visa versa)

Offered to exact vengeance on Zelda for Gorgug

Is powerful enough to know teleport and learn plane shift (so level 13 or higher)

Stated that Adaine is her best friend and decides that since Fig is also Adaine's best friend, by the transitive property she is best friends with Fig as well (and Fig agreed). Learning this, she says "Fantastic. I grow richer by the day. I'm emotional." before starting to cry fire "I'm emotional. I'm gonna fly away." She then flew away, returning after she had calmed down.

Ragh

Ate grapes and started burping musical notes after he left Khy-low Meh-new-rah.

Lost his virginity to Faf-threth-riel who then got creepy and kinda racist, making Ragh very uncomfortable (and want to get out of there asap)

Fabian

Lost both points of exhaustion thanks to the 8000 thread count elven sheets (did they get to keep the sheets or at least one sheet for help with exhaustion?)

Felt really good when he tried out dance yoga, even wondering if he should be some kind of yoga dancer instead of a fighter (how about a whirling dervish dancer like Cathilda?)

The grapes he put in his pocket (after refusing to eat them) turned into song

Indifferent towards saving Aelwyn and doesn't want to be on the retrieval team

When he started feeling anxious about the Aelwyn stuff, Riz told him to lose himself in dancing again to feel free (Riz: You are the only one that I wanna see dancing right now.) It made him feel much better.

***

Other Characters

Adaine

Taken by Court of Stars

Her jacket and spellbook were taken

Trapped in an orb which is soft and doesn't hurt her, but the constant movement of its slow turning doesn't allow her to be still or trance

The walls of her room glow with runes and there are many perminant magical effects, making her captors capable of some crazy things (like prepared directional counter spells), but the setup wouldn't counter cantrips

Escaped the orb with dispel magic (dc 15) which makes a couple counter spells go off and an alarm sound

Hid in Aelwyn's room. The sister's spoke before she was recaptured and placed back in her orb. Adaine told Aelwyn that she was going to get her out

Discovered that her room was close enough to Aelwyn to talk to her via the message cantrip

Repeatedly cast Ray of Frost to turn her orb into a slip and slide to stay entertained

Instead of speaking to her father in elvish, she responded in common. Also cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on him.

Anguin and Kear said she would be executed for treason for staying in Solace and refusing to cooperate. She demanded a lawyer and then the Ambassador to Solace, citing her age and being a student at Augefort Adventuring Academy which summoned a recorded hologram of Arthur Augefort.

Arthur Augefort

Has a recorded hologram that is activated when a student claims the need of his diplomatic help in foreign affairs.

It threatens the listeners with graphic and terrifying violence and doom, giving them the options of either rectify the actions that summoned him (Yes) or refuse and welcome the aforementioned punishment for their actions (No).

Gorgug

Fabian's grandfather called him Jhor-judge

Finally got a message to Zelda via Ayda using her sending spell (Zelda. Safe in Fallinel. Gonna finish cell tower soon. Sorry about everything, but hope your break is going well in spite of this. Miss you.) and got a reply the next morning a little while after waking up (Sorry. Was at a party. You don't have to build a cell tower. That's crazy. It's all whatever Gorgug. I don't blame you.)

Didn't sleep well, but still got the benefit of a full night's sleep due to elven sheets.

Kristen

Got in a fight with Tracker and then got 3 nat 1s on persuasion checks when she tried to make up with her.

Slept in Adaine's room

Doesn't know how to make a cell tower

Took one of the 40 to 50 foot long diaphanous silk scarves with her

Gave (inspiring?) speech ending with "Friendship is thinker than water and we need water to live." which gave everyone 11 temp hit points

Accidentally called Pok a "smiling elf" and then blew it off as being due to her being human

Can now see Shadow Cat in the picture (along with Tracker, Sandra Lynn, Garthy, Riz, and Sklonda and possibly the dead cambian, Pok, Jace, and Adaine's mom) and reacted by saying "Was I spooning the cat all night in the milk!?"

Sandra Lynn

Dropped out senior year and got her diploma after the fact to join an adventuring party

Joined as a replacement member for an existing adventuring party that was already active in the world and included an older much more powerful married couple.

Fresh out of high school, fell in love with one person from the couple (nonbinary or gender intentionally hidden) who "did not treat her very kindly"

When it all came out, she was ejected from the adventuring party, her romantic partner took great pains to smear her name (so no one would accept her), no other party would take her as a replacement, and she was forced to become a Celesian Ranger

Gilear knows who the couple were, but doesn't want to tell Fig (could she know the people involved?)

Key-heir/Khear

Child-like elven maiden with long brown braided hair, a white gown, and a large staff.

When confronted by Arthur Augefort's hologram, she chose to not heed his warnings.

***

More from 2.9!

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Previous

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

Roger is an expert really. A true natural. An autistic whisperer.

Since Brian and John got the diagnosis he has been an exemplary friend and guide to a sometimes confusing world to his two good friends. He studied books. He sorted through bad sources and purely stereotypical descriptions in both old and new books.

He instructed Freddie how best to show patience when things progressed a little too slowly for him. Told him how autistic minds work. What environments they excel in. Calm and predictable.

So, no, Freddie couldn’t announce half way through a show that they would suddenly mix things up a bit and rearrange some songs.

He couldn’t blame it on Brian when he thought it all became too repetitive and conservative. He couldn’t call John boring and ‘never in it for some fun.’

Roger knew Freddie didn’t mean it harshly. He had his own stuff to deal with. ADHD didn’t always go hand in hand and see eye to eye with autism. So Roger had developed into a perfect little diplomat. A true neutral force between arguments and misunderstandings.

Or so he thought.

The first signs started showing before their third grand tour of Europe. A trying time in his three friends’ and bandmates’ lives. He knew. He was well aware of that.

Brian and John reacted strongly before any big changes. Going from practise to recording. Or going from recording to playing live shows. They enjoyed those three activities separately. Just not the transition between them.

Roger combed through his hair that morning. He was already planning in his head what he would tell his mates.

He would show John a series of pictograms illustrating the next week. He would then tell Freddie to stop rolling his eyes at John, Roger would get to him in a minute, don’t be impatient, don’t blame John for his special needs in having a pictogram of his days.

Then trying to get Brian to pack his things. Yes, Brian, I know your guitar picks always go in the second drawer in the cabinet, but you need them for the tour now, so they must be in your luggage from now on. Where do you usually keep them in there? Then put them in the front pocket again.

Freddie. Please stop bending the cords. Freddie, pack your bags, see, just like Brian is. Freddie, it’s been twenty minutes now, I’ve told you to pack your bags one hundred times, please get on with it.

Roger yelped. Ow! He looked at his comb. Blond hair. Almost an entire nest of blond hair. He looked in the mirror. It wasn’t that visible, but a bald spot appeared just over his right temple. He screamed.

He heard Freddie echoing his scream and then making a little tune out of it.

No. No, no, no. He couldn’t be going bald? He was still in his twenties!

The next sign came the day after, during a coffee break. Brian was fiddling with his luggage, still not happy about the changed place of his picks.

Roger’s hand shook so badly that he had trouble lifting the cup. He put it down again and shook his hand. Maybe a muscle cramping up? As a drummer, he had to be careful with his hands and wrists. They were both important and in constant strain.

He massaged his wrists and tried again. Slightly better, but he could still feel his hand being a bit wobbly.

When they entered on stage he almost tripped over his own drumset, from not paying attention.

When they were giving an interview, he rubbed his forehead. John preferred holding hands under the table while talking to the press, but Roger had to let go to lay a hand over his head. A throbbing headache had bothered him all afternoon.

The next days Roger felt worse and worse. Every day had something new and miserable to introduce him to. He’d had cold sweats the night before. After breaking up the tension between Brian and Freddie. John was overly sensitive about changes in the atmosphere, so Roger had spent the better part of an hour talking him down, reassuring him that it would pass and urging him to look at some of his several drawings of mechanical equipment.

Freddie and Brian had started again when Roger returned.

“You always want it your way, Brian!” Freddie shouted.

Brian was sitting on the floor, legs crossed. He was rocking back and forth.

Roger hurried to his side and grabbed his arms. Brian didn’t like light touches, so if anyone had to touch him it should feel heavy on his skin.

Freddie walked back and forth. His pace quickened and by the end he was almost running.

Roger stood up and got in the way of Freddie’s pacing. “Yes?”

“What’s gotten you two all riled up?”

“Oh, you know Brian! Nothing new under the Sun there!”

Roger tried his best to mend their relationship and restore the normally friendly tone between them.

Freddie had wanted change. Brian didn’t.

The next morning Roger couldn’t get out of bed. He tried. He really did. Nothing worked. He was as paralyzed. After an hour he manages to go to the bathroom, but had to go to bed again immediately after.

He could hear John rustling around just outside his bedroom door. He knew why. It was his turn to make the pancakes, but Roger hadn’t laid out the recipe on the counter for him. And now he didn’t know what to do next.

Roger struggled. He had to get up. When he sat up he saw his pillow. It was filled with strands of his hair. He felt nauseous. Almost gagged.

Freddie walked past John and entered Roger’s room. “Aren’t you up yet?” He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the state of his friend. Pale face. Thinning hair. Closed eyes due to headache.

Later, at the doctor’s Roger waited while he wrote something down. Then the doctor looked up at him. He had a stern way of looking above the rim of his glasses.

“Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”

That caught Roger by surprise. “Um, well, we’re just starting a tour. And, well, you know?”

“This looks like severe stress. That will be a serious strain on your health if you don’t rearrange your life, starting immediately.”

Roger couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. He broke down crying, all the years worth of pent up stress overwhelming his senses.

When he left the doctor’s office, it was with a prescription for calming the nerves and a recommendation of a therapist specialising in stress.

His bandmates took the news hard. Brian and John were worried that they would never see Roger again.

Freddie huffed. “Of course we will .”

“Is any of this our fault?” John asked with hesitancy.

Roger looked him deep in the eyes. “No. None of this is your fault. It never will be your fault, John. This is really important. But I might have worked myself too hard. I’ve been a chump and haven’t listened to my body’s signals. And that’s important, right?”

Three heads nodded.

Brian was inconsolable at first. He held on to Roger for what seemed like forever. He rocked him back and forth, humming a tune for him, just like Roger always did for him when he became over-stimulated.

“It will be all right.” Roger reassured him.

Freddie shook his head. “No, you don’t get to comfort us now. You always do. Now it’s our time to comfort and help you.” All three surrounded Roger and held him close until he could barely breathe anymore. Roger thought to himself that they do help and comfort him. Everyday. By being his very own special and loving friends.

The guys started helping each other out more after that. Brian and John drew John’s pictograms together every Sunday evening.

Freddie helped Roger and their manager plan their tours and press meetings.

When they felt an argument approach, Brian and Freddie had written down a script of nice things they’d say to each other instead of arguing. They never made it to the end without bursting out with laughter.

And Queen could once again resume their obligations (almost) trouble-free.

Oh no! This made me so sad for Roger reading this!!! They all need a good sit down to remind each other that Roger is their friend, not their caregiver.

Lovely story, friend! Thank you so much!!

[youarealltrollops]

I just need to get some stuff off my chest and it's long and bad. I tried to come up with all the triggers but damn. It almost hits them all.

I have always known I was everyone's least favourite. My dad had my older sister, and my mom my brother. It was obvious to me since I can remember. But it wasn't just them, my aunt's and uncles either didn't like either my brother and I or preferred my brother. My grandparents favoured my brother too. For about 4 months I was my other grandma's favourite grandchild when I was 4. But she got remarried to a man who hated me, so I wasn't allowed to see grandma anymore.

When I was 10 years old I was hit by a car. Which was and is super traumatic. The nurses on duty kept going on about how sad it was that I wouldn't be able to have a baby. That weekend my grandparents came down to see, my brother. Because his birthday was 11 days before I was hit. Even when I was almost killed people favoured brother.

When I was 13 my grandpa died. He had a triple bypass and never woke up. I was not allowed to visit him because of allergies that year. Finally on the last day I begged enough that they let me see him, from 10 feet away.

At the funeral my mom held my dads hand. My grandma held my brother's. And I was alone. Behind them. I remember so clearly feeling alone and shattered. During the service I leaned forward because it felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest. And my great aunt grabbed my shoulder and yanked me straight. Because I was not allowed to grieve because my brother and him were so close.

As a side note my brother blames me for my grandfathers death. Still. 12 years after. Sometimes it's a fight to remind myself that it's ridiculous and that I couldn't have killed him.

That same year I had a "friends" mother yell at me in front of my male teacher that I was a slut because I have big boobs. I was so bullied..

When I was 15 I met an older boy who asked me out. He spent the next 3 years abusing me. Telling me how awful I was and describing how he cheated on me. He even brought me to the other girls he was sleeping with. They told me how ugly I was and that I was obviously dumb. He beat me and eventually started raping me. I made the mistake of telling him my greatest dream and he made so much fun of it.

I was assaulted at school and called racist. This girl got a huge group of kids, like 40 and caught me alone. Someone actually took a video of it and showed it to a friend. The only reason I didn't get expelled. the girl who assaulted me said she did it because I called her the n word. In it you see me trying to remain calm but that I'm terrified. I just stood there asking her to go away and leave me alone. the she turns and punches me. My head hit the brick wall then she's on me. I start screaming and telling her to get off me. Because of that video there's proof I didn't say anything racist. And that's the only reason I didn't get expelled. For the rest of high school people would stop me in the halls and quote the video at me and make fun of me for not hitting back.

At 16 I ended up pregnant. I lost over 50 pounds in one month and had the worst experience with it. The doctor at the hospital, I'd gone in because I was vomiting blood and still getting negative pregnancy tests. I will always hate him for the way he came into the room with the biggest smile on his face to tell a very sick teenager that she was pregnant. When I told him I wanted an abortion he got made and sent me for an ultrasound where they made me listen to the heart beat (not the law here) and then had a transvaginal ultrasound where the tech shoved it in with no lubrication, and jabbed around. At the actual abortion the doctor who performed it held up the bloody mess and said "there's your baby. I hope you're happy"

My mother knew and has never treated me the same since then. Which sucks. My period since then was 1 day long and barely one tampon. Before that was 2 days. I've been to countless doctors who laugh at me.

I graduated that year, a year early because of the torture of the other kids.

Since the abortion I have never wanted sex. Because I don't want those feelings ever again. The guy I dated started raping me. Finally I broke up with him. He started stalking me at my University and following me around. I ended up going nowhere alone because of him.

I started dating a girl after and he found out. He texted my mother that I was dating a girl. So yet again my relationship with my mom was wrecked.

She broke up with me by sending me a a song bridge over troubled water. And then blocking me. As a way of getting over her I would play cards against humanity online and I met some really wonderful people. Including my ex.

Hes Jewish and finally something in life clicked and I have wanted to be Jewish since. But that's been a whole mess.

I moved to my hometown in part to hide from the guy I dated in high school and to pursue conversion, while there I met my husband.

While in my hometown I started treatment for my depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and we were going to make a plan for adhd and test for autism.

I worked a horrid job. I was called the "RR" by a manager (for r-word receptionist) and another manager was hugely anti semitic towards me. She one day come in from a smoke with a handful of ashes and blew them in my face telling me that it was my ancestors. Finally because of my treatment i started standing up for myself more and more. So I got fired. The boss, who had been my mom's boss told me "there's a million reasons why were doing this but were not going to get into that now." Then he offered to be a reference for me.

My other grandpa had a stroke. The kids my parents took in when I was 18 needed someone to take care of them so my parents asked me to move back. so I did. It's been such a nightmare.

I got a job that is just causal so that I can watch the little ones for them and I love it. Sometimes. But some places I work is not great. And the people suck. My husband has been struggling to find work.

My grandpa is in the hospital right now and because of covid only my mom is allowed to see him. Anytime I ask how he's doing my mother complains about him instead of telling me.

I've been working the last two weeks and my mother bitches because she has to be with the kids 24/7 (were homeschooling because of covid) they asked me to work another 2 weeks minimum there and I turned them down to help out with the kids and my grandpa.

Everytime I do anything or say anything lately my mother gets made at me or pouts or whatever.

To find out my dad is going to kick my husband and I out because we're so lazy and ungrateful. And I'm sick right now to my stomach trying to figure out what we're going to do.

There's only person in the world who I've been their favourite person and has loved me so much is my 2 year old niece. And because I don't get along with my brother or his girlfriend I never get to see her. I hate his girlfriend because she hits my nieces and I'm not allowed to protect them and it kills me.

So yeah. My life fucking sucks and I wish I would have died.

[graesays]

Grae Plays - January 2018

Last year I started doing monthly posts about music I was listening to and promoting local artists. Sadly I was only able to keep that series up for 3 months before life got in the way. Now I’m stable again I’m bringing the series back bigger and better than ever, because now I’m recommending all sorts of things! So without any further delay, here’s the January edition of Grae Plays.

MUSIC

Alice Nicholls - One Flew Over (from Kind Quiet Riots)

Declared interest with this one because Alice is a mate of mine, and I played at the launch of the EP in which this song appears. That aside, I really love this EP, and in particular this song, a lament about the state of mental health service today. Strongly suggest checking out the entire EP, and now that has become a lot easier because it’s now available to stream on Spotify.

Skinny Lister - Thing Like That (from The Devil, The Heart & The Fight Deluxe Edition)

Going to gigs like this are rare for me these days, so you know you’ve touched a nerve if I go to see you twice (and start semi-seriously looking at travel to Hastings to see you a third time). Skinny Lister have fast become one of my favourite bands and one of my favourite bands releasing a political rant that fits in with my politics (aka, the opposite of anything Megadeth has produced lately) is a sure fire way to my heart. So if you’re in the market for a catchy anti-Brexit rant then this is the one for you.

Elton John - Are You Ready For Love (from Diamonds Deluxe Edition)

I literally have no idea where this one came from, but it’s been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks and refuses to leave. I’m not sure if this is being celebrated but this year is 15 years years since this version of the song got to number 1 in the charts (Yup, 2003 was 15 years ago. Bloody hell!). Either way if I’m infected with an ear worm I may as well spread it. Enjoy!

MOVIES & TV

(This will probably be the most threadbare section of these monthly pieces because I don’t watch much TV or many films these days.)

Black Mirror (Netflix)

Thanks to my sister granting me access to her Netflix subscription I’m catching up on things I’ve missed out on. I had already watched Season 1 and some of Season 2 back from when it aired on Channel 4 so naturally I’ve now watched the rest of the 2nd season and Season 3 over the christmas break. I’m guessing this is a redundant recommendation for a lot of you but just in case you’ve not dove in yet I’ll throw it in.  I was originally gonna suggest San Junipero as an episode suggestion but in all honesty the only way you’ll get the most from it is to watch the series in chronological order. This episode will have nowhere near the same impact if you dont know the background of the series and similarly you’ll have completely the wrong idea of the series if you take in this episode in isolation.

PODCASTS

Reasons to be Cheerful with Ed Miliband & Geoff Lloyd

The Milifandom lives on! In case you were wondering what Ed’s up to these days since he took up residence on the back benches post resigning the Labour leadership, then this podcast and his Twitter feed is the answer. On the podcast Ed and Geoff take the complex issues of the day and offer up practical solutions backed up by strong ideas discussed by themselves and their guests, but done in the light hearted, self-deprecating tone that viewers of Ed’s appearence on The Last Leg and his one off hosting gig on BBC Radio 2 will be familiar with. The latest issue, where they tackle the glaring flaws with the rail network in the UK is worth the listen if not only for the interview with Lord Adonis. I also strongly suggest checking out the episode where they discuss transgender rights with Paris Lees.

MAGAZINES

When Saturday Comes

In a nutshell, WSC is basically what Private Eye would be if it focused exclusively on football. If that sounds interesting to you then definitely pick up a copy. It costs twice as much as Private Eye sadly but the issues do tend to be very full of content and are released monthly rather than fortnightly like Private Eye is.

GAMES

(Quick aside, my gaming setup is a PC with pretty basic specs & a Playstation 3. So all suggestions will be for these platforms and the occasional Android game)

Sonic Mania (PC, PS4, Xbox One, Nintendo Switch)

Ticking one of the autism stereotype boxes,  I am a huge fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog series, especially the original 3.5 games that came out on the Sega Megadrive (Sonic 3 and Sonic & Knuckles are the same game split in 2 parts). Sadly nothing released since that series has come close to evoking those childhood memories in front of the portable telly in my bedroom desperately trying to get past Metropolis Zone Act 2 (to the point that I actually had to ask my mum for help!). So when this game was announced it became my first ever Steam pre-order and luckily it more than lived up to the hype. You’ll have a couple of small issues to navigate if you get the pc version (unless you have a wired Xbox controller in which case you’re already set to go) but they are worth it for a truly faithful recreation of the 90’s classics.

I’ll be supplementing these posts with an end of month follow-up like I did last year so look out for that and look forward for more content on the blog for 2018!