#( where's my med school degree? i want it right now )

[arch-lightbaund]

— chimerism and shoto’s children

Some info I found with a very quick and sloppy research:

I was thinking of Shoto as a father, and the same thing came to my mind:

If Shoto is a Chimera, when having a child, he should pass only the genes from his one ‘side’.

Like, if he had a child, his child possibly wouldn’t have mixed characteristics from both his sides ( such as gray eyes (right) and red hair (left) ) but from ONE of his sides, and possibly, only one of his QUIRKS (!). Assuming Shoto IS a Chimera, and ignoring that he possibly would have health issues if he was one ( ignoring since in BNHA, humans have sort of ‘ mutated ’ to a better species? ), I think that’s important information.

My theory isn't entirely correct because:

We'd have to ignore the genes the child would inherit from the other parent

And the fact, that even if his left side resembles more his father, and his right his mother, both sides have inherited genes from both of them. It's just that one has dominated the other ( okay I don't know how I can explain Mendel's genetics further )

But my point is the same: his children won't have chimerism ( dual-colored hair, eyes, double quirks etc. ) and they would have inherited the genes of one of his sides only. I think the first image with the red and blue sperm makes it even more clear.

For example, his child could have red hair and a fire Quirk, but not white hair and a fire Quirk at the same time, or an ice Quirk and blue eyes at the same time.

Meaning next time you think of Shoto’s and X character’s love child, remember to pick a side. :)

[bluublu-blub]

yan! ex husband (cont.)

Things got a little messy with my life within 5 days after I uploaded. I was almost disowned but things are better now. I was planning on uploading soon but I only got time now.

next

You barely remember when it started —when was the last time he sat down and spent time with you instead brushing you off in your rare times of rest. You do understand how time consuming his daily activities are. He was, after all, a professor by day and a medical student at night. So, you would smile at him and assure him that you always understand and you are fine with less date nights and hangouts. But, you were only asking a bare minimum from him —you just want some time where you both just sit in each other’s presence and let the silence be because it brought you comfort.

You just want to know that he is still there.

That, in some way or form, you still matter.

(In the back of your mind, you wonder if it is a right choice to get married as soon as you both finished your undergraduate degrees.)

(You brush the traitorous thoughts away from your mind.)

Just a little more. You can still wait.

–

Was it by a stroke of unfortunate circumstances, you wonder as you watched him grinned widely as he finished med school and immediately was recruited to some hospital while his words came from one ear to another. He seems so happy and less stressed as you try to keep up with him. 

“What do you think, love?”

What do you think? 

“What?”

“I asked if we can move closer to my workplace?” He repeated and you felt that once again your world froze. “It will be a different environment from here. The distance is a little over five hours in this place. Wouldn't it be more convenient?”

“Oh, yeah.” Convenient for him, sure. But, what about your career? “But, it will be far from mine.”

He brushed you off. “Well, you can always quit right?” Then he moved on to the next topic as if you agreed.

Oh.

Do you really matter to him at all?

–

You often heard from your friends that sometimes being together wouldn’t be enough if the relationship becomes stagnant and prison for your well-being. You had denied everything that is slowly ruining your relationship for years now, you let go of your convictions, passions, and dreams just for him. Let him shine and soar high while you are left scrambling in the ground. 

It was not like this before. 

Before, he listened. He was there before, there used to be a lot more love and smiles. 

Home was him before.

Home is not him now.

—

You stared at the documents in your hand, you had talked to your attorney about the procedures and now you need his signature.

“Love?” He’s back early for a change.

It’s time to end this godforsaken marriage and choose yourself for once.

“I need you to sign this.”

There is no going back to the past.

[andhumanslovedstories]

hi! i'm gonna overshare a little bit but i'm doing my nursing prereqs right now and i'm really worried. i'm kind of really mentally ill and i've been worrying recently if nursing is worth it. i want to help people and it sounds so interesting and i love medical stuff but i don't want to get burnt out with the stress and long hours. someone told me that nursing is a lot like being a restaurant server, and i don't want to go to school and get a degree and a career that's literally just serving again. is it satisfying? is it rewarding? is it soul-killing? i'm scared

hi there! I'll overshare in return! I'm just coming off three months of disability for burnout (which for me is just depression but with a name you can use in the workplace). My job didn't cause my depression, but it certainly exacerbated it. The hours, the stress, the constant exposure to people suffering and the limits on your ability to do something about it, all those suck and they can break your brain. (On the other hand, I've been majorly depressed while working at an ice cream parlor where the walk-in freezer was for smoking weed. You can be depressed anywhere.)

And it is a hard job! Harder in some parts of the field than others. Different places have different nursing cultures, different laws, different staffing, etc. Where I work, there's good protection and advocacy for nursing. That's not true everywhere.

With all that said--I really like nursing. I get to do work that I know contributes good to the world. I get to solve very practical problems. I meet people I would never otherwise meet. I have the opportunity every shift to do something that I am proud of. And a lot of times, I find it fun! It's fun to brainstorm how to make someone who's been puking all night feel better. It's fun to see your efforts rewarded, even in small ways. It's fun to stop something before it becomes an emergency. It's fun bustling around, juggling a dozen different things. It's not ALWAYS fun. But for me, the work is not just meaningful but also enjoyable.

That's how I knew I had bad burnout btw. Even when things went well and I did work I was proud of, every shift was such a fucking slog.

If you are interested in the basic work of nursing (managing the human response to illness and promoting health), then there's a million and one jobs you can do with a nursing degree. They cater to different traits. I've discovered I really like precepting new nurses, I like working on the floor with its routine and concrete goals, and I like symptom management. I don't like critical care or the emergency department or working on stuff that isn't patient care, like paperwork and charge nursing. I like novelty but not chaos. I like independence but not being left entirely to my own devices. I like that I physically cannot take any of my work home. I do not like being on committees. So for me, right now at this point in my life, I like being a basic med-surg night shift float pool nurse. I would be absolutely miserable as a neuro ICU critical care day shift nurse. I would be bored to death being an inpatient rehab night nurse. Being a nurse manager would probably make me suicidal again.

If you find the basic work interesting and rewarding, you can tailor it to your taste. (I can't recommend floor nursing enough for the adhd havers amongst us.)

and last thing, regarding mental illness: I think a lot of nurses (and ppl in healthcare in general) struggle with mental illness way more than they think they do. Someone who knows they have depression and works to manage it will likely be more resilient than someone endlessly pushing through their fatigue and misery. Probably a better nurse, too. I take meds, go to therapy, get sleep, push myself to eat, take sick days, protect my limited energy, do physical activity--I'm a gym girlie now!!--because I'm treating a disease I know that I have. Just knowing that there's something up with your brain and doing something about it puts you way ahead like half of the people who work the emergency department.

[dyinglikenarcissus]

Chapter 4. Plans Change, People…

14k words

Warnings: 18+ only. This chapter in when the spice starts! Fingering, oral both male and female receiving

Like and reblog if you enjoy ☺️

You sit curled up on your couch. Jethro’s tucked next to your hip, while you edit some wedding dress shopping footage. You’d yet to fall in love with one but it was hard to fall when you didn’t know what to dress for. You and Steve have yet to set a date or a venue. More like you and Sam have yet to set a date or a venue. But you did decide on spring. Not too hot, not too cold. You just didn’t know where. Steve was ‘happy as long as I’m with you, little movie star’ and Sam and Bucky were absolutely no help at getting intel out of their best friend.

You scroll through yet another list of wedding venues in New York City when your hear a pulsing vibration.

“A ghost?” You ask Jethro but he just ignores you until you get up to investigate. He lets out an irritated chirp before curling up on the cushion you vacated.

You enter your bedroom and see Steve’s phone about to fall off the nightstand as it continues to buzz.

“Natasha?” You question seeing the red head pop up on the screen.

“Hello?” You answer slowly.

Theres a pause on the other end of the line. “Where’s Steve?” A women’s voice asks.

“Um, he doesn’t have his phone right now,” you explain. No one’s ever called him while you were babysitting it. It made you wonder if the only people with the number were you, Bucky, and Sam. “You should call his work phone if you need to talk to him.”

There’s another pause. “You’re the girl?”

“The-“

“Hold on, I want to see you.” The FaceTime alert makes the phone start vibrating again. You answer not really knowing what to do.

“Hello?” You repeat as Natasha appears on the screen. She’s just as gorgeous as she is in the photos.

“Hey,” she smiles. A little part of you melts. You think you’re in love. “I’ve been meaning to track you down.”

“Track me…?”

“I’m Natasha. Steve’s friend. Nice to finally meet you.”

“He told you about me?” You ask, a little taken aback.

“He doesn't shut up about you. I think the entire east coast knows America’s most eligible bachelor found his new best girl.” You smile at the knowledge and glance away from the screen. “Tell me about yourself.”

“Um, I’m a social media influencer. I have 2 million followers-“

“You live in Anaheim, 1801 East Katella Ave, apartment 270. You drive a Lincoln Corsair, born in Silicon Valley to a tech mogul mother and an absentee father, graduated from UC Berkeley with a degree in psychology. You applied to a med school but they didn’t think you were well rounded enough. So you started an Instagram, then a TiktTok, moved to LA and now we’re here. I know all that. Tell me something Rogers doesn’t know.”

You blink at the woman. You instantly understand why Steve keeps her at a distance.

“I-I don’t know. I drool when I sleep? I’m prone to yeast infections? I have a weird leg to body ratio? What doesn’t he know?”

She gives you a smug little smile. “You don’t have much of a relationship history outside of your friend group so you don’t date much. He seems to be doing whatever he can to keep you happy. And you seem happy…you’re falling for him?”

You cringe back from your phone then remember she can see you. “Aw, you are! Cute! Anyway, you seem fun. We should do coffee. Are you still getting Panera at 7:45 tonight? Maybe I’ll meet you there.” Oh my God. She even knew about your Panera runs!

“Who are you?” You breathe.

“Yeah, we’re gonna be good friends,” she grins. “I’ll talk to you later.” She waves to the camera and you drop the phone on your bed.

“Steve,” you whisper. You grab your own phone and send him a text message as fast as your thumbs will type.

He’s taking far too long to respond for how your heart is racing.

Then your phone vibrates with a call. “Steve! Natasha-called-and-she-knew-all-this-stuff-about-me-and-she’s-going-to-meet-me-at-Panera! I’m so scared!”

“Star,” Steve chuckles. “Relax. That’s just Nat being Nat. She’s in Venezuela. She’s not going to ambush you at Panera.”

“Why does she know so much about me?” You whine.

“She deals in intel. After the whole Sausalito thing, I needed some solid information on you.”

“You did a background check on me?” You accuse.

“I got far more than background. I know Natasha is…a lot but she’s good people. Don’t let her get in your head.”

“And I thought she was so pretty,” you whimper.

Steve just laughs at your statement and makes a comment on the other side of the phone that you don’t catch.

“I have to go, little star. I’ll text you tonight?”

“Okay,” you sigh trying to calm yourself down.

“Be good for me?”

“Okay,” you can’t help but smile at his request. “I miss you.”

“Miss you, too. Bye, little star.”

“Bye.”

You release a deep sigh and try to relax your shoulders. You were in a whole new world now. Steve’s world. You were beginning to realize you had a lot to learn here.

You get a text message from Natasha later that night saying that Steve said she can’t play with you anymore. You laugh at how disappointed she seemed.

I hope we can meet for that coffee someday you message back.

I’ll be at the wedding she assures you.

You sigh and go back to your voice over for an archery session with Kate. You notice a lot of comments asking about wedding updates and Steve. Blah! “Guess I have to drop some kind of couples content,” you mutter to Jethro. You are over wedding dress shopping and you were sick of this one sided venue fight.

Hmm…maybe…

You know everything about everyone. Where would Steve get married?

A read notification pops up immediately but Natasha doesn’t respond. Maybe she doesn’t feel like talking…

Your phone pings about an hour later.

There’s this old cathedral in his childhood neighborhood in Brooklyn

She sends the link to it on Google. Oh? Oh!

This is gorgeous! Why didn’t he mention it? It’s like a slice of Europe in New York! You can already imagine a cathedral train and the sun hitting the stained glass windows painting the church in beautiful colors. It’s perfect!

I love it! Thank you! You quickly reply

Don’t mention it

And to think you were terrified of her this afternoon.

You quickly forward the suggestion to Steve as your renewed interest has you thinking back to the dresses you tried on and what most fit the space.

How did you find out about this place? Steve responds a few minutes later.

Natasha

I guess she is good for something

You giggle at his comment

One thing down, a million more to go

I’m sorry I’m not much help with all of this. It’s a little hard to think about doing it all again

Oh? You frown slightly at his statement. Getting married again, even if it is all for show, must be so triggering. You didn’t even consider his side of things.

You’re a terrible fake fiancée.

I’ll handle it you assure him. It’ll be perfect

I trust you

The next day, the venue is booked, you choose colors and flowers. Kamala helped you choose cake flavors and Kahhori chose the bridesmaids dresses and a suit for Kate.

“You really don’t mind if the colors are burgundy and navy?” You ask Steve while you scroll through wedding bouquets that match the theme on Pinterest. “It’s not too…ugh?”

“What does that mean, star?” Steve chuckles. He voice sounds so deep and groggy, you just want to hear him talk more.

“Like, I don’t know, clashing?”

“It’ll be dark,” he yawns.

“Well, if it’s, like, mixed with greenery and white flowers. And I’ll be in white. Have you decided what color you’re wearing yet?”

“Have you decided what dress you’re getting yet?” He counters.

“Touché, Mr. Rogers. The groom is supposed to be surprised.”

“Don’t like surprises,” he mumbles.

“Are you falling asleep on me, old man?”

He hums softly and you hear the sheets rustling. “Maybe,” he grunts.

“Alright. Go to sleep.”

“I wish you were here.” His words make you smile and makes something stir in the pit of your stomach. You feel so loved when his says things like that. You shouldn’t but it sounds so right.

“I wish I was there, too. I miss your kisses.”

“My kisses?” He chuckles.

“Yeah, you always kiss my head and it makes me feel so warm and comfy.”

“Stop being so fucking cute.” You hear the smile in his voice before he yawns again.

“Go to sleep,” you repeat.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Goodnight.”

“‘Night, little star.”

You sigh softly and drop your phone on the bed. When did you fall so in love with him?

Natasha even knew it but she seems to know everything so that doesn’t really count.

Did he love you, too? He seems to like you, at least. The way he slept cocooning you, and the way he’d always makes sure you and Jethro were comfortable, and the the way he’d call you his ‘little star’. All of it said he was in love with you. He didn’t say it though. Probably because of this ridiculous situation that set you two up. He probably doesn’t want you to feel trapped. You certainly did before but you don’t anymore.

You want to be with him.

You feel like you’ve gotten closer to him in these couple of months you’ve been apart than in the entire time you were together. Every morning he’d wish you a good morning and he asks about your day every night. You really like that. He sends you flowers every Friday. You love that. After you decided on wedding colors, he sent a bouquet of burgundy roses and navy irises. Then he did something you absolutely did not expect. Jethro’s birthday was kind of a personal holiday for you. All of your friends knew and you normally had a whole weekend long party. You watched all of his favorite movies and he got all his favorite treats and tuna. You made him home made dole whips, got balloon bouquets. And the finale was a trip to the cat playground. It was in LA so it was an hour drive and he hates being in the car that long but it’s so worth it to watch him have the time of his life with the other cats. It was just a little local place and you brought treats for the other cats and little party hats for the ones that will wear them. But when you walked in, the facility was completely decorated from top to bottom with balloons, banners, streamers. There were gourmet cat treats adorning a table. There were even party favors full of toys and treats for all the other cats coming to the party.

“Did I miss something?” You ask the owner. You’d been coming here for years and you got to know the woman pretty well.

“A Steve Rogers sent a party planner to set all this up,” she smiles. “He said it’s for the Jethro’s birthday.”

“He did all of this?” You whisper. It almost brings you to tears as you watch the other cat parents filter in and ask what the occasion is just for you hand them a party favor and thank them for coming to Jethro’s party. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for you.

God, you really love this man.

He does so much for you, you just wish you could repay him.

“I have the best fiancé in the world! As you all know, it was baby Jethro’s birthday this week! I have a five year old, y'all! We went to Kitty Land in LA for his usual kitty play time and look at what Steve did! Handmade cat treats, party favors, and look at this balloon arch! It’s been so hard doing the long distance thing but he makes it easier with such sweet gestures like this. Look at these little guys! And Jethro made a new friend!”

You sigh as you scroll through the pictures of the party after you finished posting the TikTok.

You wish you could’ve shared the moment with Steve.

“You ready for dinner, little man?” You ask Jethro as he slinks out of your room, stretching along the way. He lets out a positive meow and you scratch his head.

“Dinner time, it’s dinner time,” you sing softly.

The door bell rings just as you stand up sending your cat scattering.

Friday evening around 6? Must be flowers.

You skip over to the door and open it without looking through the peep hole.

Once the door is open though, you quickly slam it back shut at the sight.

Those are not flowers.

A shoe catches in the frame stopping you from locking your unwanted visitors out.

“Ma’am, we’re with the federal bureau of investigations. We just have a couple of questions for you.” The man sounds very nice but you know better than to listen to anything they say. You’ve seen enough movies.

You pull the door back but only slightly, barely wider than the man’s foot.

“Can we come in?” There’s two of them: one woman in a black suit and the man asking the questions.

You quickly shake your head no.

“Then we’ll talk out here. Do you know Steve Rogers?”

“He’s my fiancé.”

“How about Brock Rumlow?”

You search you mind for the name but you’ve never heard it before. You shake your head again.

“Were you in New York August 18th?”

“What’s this about?” You ask.

“We’re investigating a murder, ma’am. Just answer the question.”

You swallow loudly. “I-I don’t feel comfortable with this. I want a lawyer or something.”

“You’re not detained. We’re not forcing you to say anything,” the woman sighs.

“I was in New York, but I don’t know that name. I’m sorry.”

“Alright, if you can think of anything, here’s my card.” The man passes you a white card with an official looking seal on it.

“We’ll be in touch,” the woman sighs.

You just nod and take the card before securely locking the door. You take a deep breath and lean back against the door.

What just happened? Who were those people? You turn the card over in your hand

Agent Phil Coulson.

Your breaths start to shake as you attempt to think.

“Steve,” you whisper.

You run to your phone left abandoned on the couch and quickly dial his number.

“Little star,” he greets far too cheerfully for the situation. “What-“

“Steve! The FBI just came to my house and they asked me if I knew you and-“

“Stop.” There’s that harsh voice that you hadn’t heard since you first met him. Your jaw clicks shut at the word. You almost shrink back at his tone but he keeps talking. “Pack your stuff. I’m sending the plane. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t answer the door unless I tell you to.”

“Steve,” you whimper. “What’s-“

“Stop talking. Pack your stuff.”

“Okay,” you whisper.

“I’ll see you soon.”

You nod then remember he can’t see you. “Okay.” The phone call ends abruptly with you still holding the phone up to your ear.

“Okay,” you whisper. Jethro chirps at you from under the couch before rubbing against your leg.

“Okay,” you repeat once move. “Dinner. Then packing, okay?”

Thirty minutes later Steve sends you an ETA for the plane. You had about five hours to pack up yourself and your cat and maybe take a little nap but honestly, you were far too wired to rest. So you busy yourself with packing and once you’re done with that, you busy yourself with cleaning. You’ve finished sweeping and you at least cleaned the bathrooms before your phone starts vibrating.

Sam’s outside Steve messages.

You stand on an upside down trash can and look through the peep hole, learning your lesson. There he is, waiting outside for you.

You quickly unlock the door.

“Come here, girl,” he bids and you quickly fall into his arms. “It’s okay. We’re gonna get you home,” Sam promises. Home. Steve’s home. “You ready?” You nod and a driver comes in to collect your luggage. You tote Jethro and your computer bag and follow Sam downstairs.

Once you’re on the plane, the two of you sit in palatable silence. You try to distract yourself by keeping Jethro entertained but it’s his bed time and he’s not having anything to do with you. He just wants to sleep but he can’t relax in the strange environment.

You turn to Sam and a book rests on his lap as he’s fallen asleep, too.

You should try to sleep too but the day reels back in your mind over and over. Ugh!

You let out a soft groan and fall over in the seat next to you. Just a couple more hours of this.

Bucky meets you at the airport and he’s just as quiet as Sam.

Something told you Steve told them not to talk to you. You sit in the back seat and stare at the backs of Sam and Bucky’s heads.

“Can we talk at all?” You finally ask as the city comes into view outside of your window.

“I’m sorry, princess. Steve wants you fresh when you get to him,” Sam states sadly.

“Fresh?”

“It means he doesn’t want any outside influences. We can’t talk to you,” Bucky sighs.

“Not even you two?”

“Not even us,” Sam reiterates. You sigh and slump down in you seat. “We’re almost there.”

The world finally becomes familiar as you pull up to the building with Steve’s penthouse. But you don’t go down to the garage. Instead, Steve steps out of the building, his long trench coat billowing in the wind as steps up to the car. You can’t help but greet him happily, falling into his arms.

“Steve, I don’t kno-“ but he just shushes you gently. He holds you against him and runs his hand down your head to tangle his fingers in your locs.

“Not now. We’re going to go somewhere we can talk.” You just nod. You feel a bit more relaxed in Steve’s arms but everything is reaching a boiling point. Steve’s hand runs up and down your shoulders as he presses kisses to your temple.

Sam takes Jethro upstairs and returns relatively quickly before you all continue on through the city.

Bucky stops the car in front of a bumping club. Men and women stream in and out in skimpy dresses and fitted dress shirts.

“We’re going to talk here?” You question skeptically.

“It’s quiet,” Steve smirks down at you and you can’t help but give him a disbelieving laugh. You were dressed for anything but the club. Maybe for a Target run or the gym in your leggings and cropped sweater. You were also mentally prepared for anything but the club. Maybe an anxiety attack or a therapy session. “Come on, little star,” Steve bids and opens the door on his side. A bouncer exits the building and wordlessly escorts your group through a side door. Steve’s hand finds your lower back as he leads you through the dark halls. You don’t pay much attention to your surroundings. You can just hear a thumping beat and multiple sets of footsteps.

The bouncer opens a red velvet padded door which leads to a private room. A waitress quickly follows after him and takes the men’s orders. You request some water. You don’t feel like partying or being here in general. You just want to go home.

Steve’s home.

You take a sip of your water that’s placed in your hands to try to calm your nerves. It doesn’t help.

Once the waitress leaves, Steve’s pulls you into his lap on one of the plush couches that surrounds the room.

“Alright. Talk.” You take a deep breath to finally spill out everything that’s been on your mind. “Slowly,” Steve adds knowing you’ll spit it all out in one breath if you can.

You smile at his words and go over the entire incident in as much detail as you can remember. You hand Steve the card the agent left you. He looks it over. “That’s everything?” You nod. Steve hands the card to Bucky. “Don’t kill anyone. Just make sure they stay away from her,” he instructs the brunet as he leaves the room.

“Wha-“ you breathe at Steve’s command.

“Sammy, go with him. Make sure he doesn’t get out of control.”

“Out of con-“

“Little star,” Steve sighs, gipping your chin to make you face him.

“We came all the way here just for this two minute conversation?” You question before he can say anything else. “We could have talked at home.”

He sighs, looking outwardly frustrated by your outburst. He just holds your chin a little tighter, impeding any further speech from you. “Listen.” His voice takes on that dangerous growl that makes you want to shy away from him. “You don’t say another word about this. Not to me. Not to Sam. Not to Bucky. Not even to yourself. No one. Understand?” His hold on you loosens enough for you to nod.

The moment he releases you you ask, “Why did they come to my house?”

“What about ‘don’t talk about it ever again’ didn’t you understand?” Steve asks with a small smirk.

“But I have so many questions,” you whine.

“I understand. But I don’t want you any deeper in this than you already are.”

“You said that before and I still don’t understand! What are you hiding from me?”

The second the words leave your mouth, the padded door to the private room opens.

“They told me you had a reservation but I didn’t believe it until my security told me you were actually here. What do I owe the pleasure of having the Star Spangled Man grace my humble club?”

Your eyes widened impossibly at the man who steps through the door. This can’t be happening.

“We came for some quiet. Apparently that’s hard to find here, too,” Steve sighs. His grip on your waist tightens as you almost start to buzz with excitement. His hold on you seems to be the only thing holding you down.

“A little rendezvous with your new pet? You can’t do that at home, Rogers?”

“Quiet is a scarce commodity these days,” Steve counters. You start to practically vibrate in his lap before Steve finally spares you a glance. “Let me introduce you to my fiancée.” Steve taps your ass so you’ll stand up. He opens his mouth to introduce you but you’re already on your feet shaking the man’s hand erratically.

“You’re Loki Laufyson! Oh my gosh! I’m such a huge fan! I loved you in Ragnarok and The Dark World and I’ve seen all of your plays! Can you sign my phone? Can you sign my face? Can you tell me to kneel?”

Loki smirks at your words. “I think we can arrange-“

“No,” Steve grips you forearm and pulls you back to his chest. “You will not be kneeling for anyone.” That rough tone comes out in Steve that has you submitting against him. “One picture.”

“Do I get to choose the pose?” Loki asks. So much suggestion leaks into his voice that you nod excitedly until you see Steve’s face. Those daggers are back in full force. You quickly start shanking your head. “Fine. Something innocent that the future hubby approves of,” Loki sighs and holds open his arms for a selfie. You quickly snap a few photos. You didn’t expect him to be so tall in real life.

“If you ever want to be a little naughty, you know where to find me,” Loki adds quietly just before releasing you. You practically bounce on your toes back to Steve, giggles falling from your lips the entire way.

“If you’re done harassing my fiancée, I have a quick question for you. You had a run in with the feds. Do you know an Agent Coulson?”

“Nasty little bugger,” Loki grimaces. “Why? Is he on the hit list? It would really help me out if he was.”

“Afraid not,” Steve states shutting down the man. “He’s got a female partner. You know her?”

“How badly do you want to know, Mr. America?”

Steve crosses his arms over his broad chest as he thinks. “I got some new stuff from Venezuela. Just sourced it a few weeks ago.” Venezuela? A few weeks ago? “Really hard shit. We’re calling it tesseract.”

“Tesseract? Such a fucking pretentious name,” Loki chuckles.

“Yeah, well, fentanyl was taken.”

“Is it any good?”

“Got people dropping like flies left and right. I’ll send you a sample.”

“I don’t have much for a sample,” Loki goads.

“I don’t have much for junkie has beens either.”

Loki scowls at the blond. “Maria.”

“Maria what?”

“Like I said, I don’t have much for a sample.”

Your eyes ping pong back and forth between the two men as they negotiate.

“This is fucking powerful stuff. You don’t even know if you like it yet,” Steve counters with a small smirk.

“If I don’t, I know my brother will.”

“Fine. Tesseract and two dose of the serum.”

“Now we’re talking, Mr. Rogers,” Loki smirks. “Her last name is Hill.”

“Maria Hill?” Steve repeats earning a nod from the actor. Steve types something into his phone before focusing back on the man. “Pleasure doing business with you, Loki.”

“Leaving so soon?” Loki frowns.

Steve just grabs your coat and places it over your shoulders before picking up his own. “I’m a busy man. I’ll have your end dropped off tonight. Don’t use in all in one place.”

Loki scoffs as Steve leads you through the door and back out to his waiting car. He holds the the front passenger door for you before he drives away.

“I didn’t think he used hard drugs,” you whisper more to yourself than to Steve.

“Little star, you’d be surprised,” Steve sighs.

“He just seems so genuine in his movies and in interviews.”

“They say don’t meet your heroes.” Sound advice apparently.

“What about his brother?”

“Those two were my best customers when I was selling. Now they have to beg me for shit.” This is the most Steve has ever revealed about his seedy past.

“I met Thor a few years ago. He was so sweet,” you muse.

“Probably high as a kite,” Steve chuckles. “All you have to do is meet their sister and you’ll have the whole set.”

“They have a sister?”

“She’s their manager. They don’t talk about her much. She’s a bit of a tyrant.”

“They probably need that to stay in line.”

Steve smirks. “Probably. Are you hungry at all. Do you want me to stop and get you something?” You shake your head feeling more tired than hungry. Having all of that off your chest and on Steve’s strong shoulders felt like you lost 15 pounds. You finally feel like you can breathe. You open your mouth once more to ask him about it but his hand on your thigh reminds you not to.

Instead, you slip your hand under his so your fingers are interlocked. He brings the back of your hand to his lips to press a kiss there.

“We’re going to have to move the wedding up,” Steve mutters. “As soon as possible.”

“What? But-“ He grips your hand uncomfortably tight, making your voice die on your lips. “Okay,” you whisper simply. There’s no fighting this. Just go with it. “To when?”

“Next week.”

“Next week? There’s no time to get anything done in a week!”

“We’ll still have your big dream wedding but I need it to say you’re my wife on paper.”

You intake a sharp breath. Time to start thinking with your rational head. That’s what he’s doing. He’s trying to keep the two of you out of some kind of trouble…

“We can just elope. Make the big wedding a vow renewal in a couple of years. We’re just so in love, we can’t wait?”

“You’re the influencer. Is that what’s in now?”

“Big elaborate weddings are definitely out to save money for houses and trips,” you shrug. It wasn’t like that was an issue for Steve. But it will make you look much more relatable.

You’re drooping by the time you reach home. Steve can barely keep you awake long enough for the elevator ride.

You let out a yawn and break away from him to go to your room. You barely have enough energy to flop onto the bed.

Steve follows behind you to watch the whole thing play out as Jethro scrambles away just in time to miss your leg.

“That tired?” He chuckles. He picks you up and arranges the bed so you can be under the blankets. “Get some sleep, little star,” he bids and presses a kiss to your forehead.

You gasp awake. It’s far too hot and you need to pee and your arm is numb and you just fell from a 40 story building…

Ok, maybe that last one was just part of a dream.

You stumble out of bed anyway, trying to avoid your cat who has managed to make a bed between your scissored legs.

He gives you a questioning chirp despite your best efforts to avoid him.

“It’s okay. Go back to sleep,” you whisper and scratch the kitten’s head before rushing off to the bathroom. You barely managed to notice the sky outside is still pitch black. You wonder what time it is as you wash your hands and ponder returning to bed. You kind of want to take a shower…

6am on a Saturday? Blah! You need to go back to sleep on principle.

You opt for a quick shower but as you slide back into the enormous bed Steve got you and stare out the floor to ceiling windows as the sky slowly gets brighter.

Maybe you should go see what Steve was up to…

He’s probably asleep. You should leave him alone, you think as you tiptoe down the hall. His door is cracked open so you don’t even need to knock. You peak through and see his sleeping form still curled in his bed.

Of course he’s still asleep…

…

He wouldn’t mind if you joined him, would he?

You’d slept together before but that was after he invited you to his bed. So that was a forever invitation, right?

Before you finish rationalizing, your feet are already carrying you to his bed.

Your mind was back to reeling about everything that was going on. You just didn’t want to be alone.

You perch on the edge of the bed and watch for any signs of distress but he just keeps sleeping soundly. Snoring lightly as his arms curl over one of his pillows. He looks amazingly peaceful. You wish he could look like this while he’s awake.

You shouldn’t bother him…

You stand up and walk over to the other side of the bed. You notice a pair of glasses on his nightstand in the pale sunlight. You didn’t know he wore glasses. You pull back the blankets behind him and slide into the bed. God, he’s warm! The whole bed is a nice and cozy temperature so unlike your own where you move a fraction and you’re suddenly freezing.

You inch closer to him waiting for his breathing to sputter and for him to wake up. But he doesn’t. You finally reach his warm body and snuggle against him.

Mmmmm. Perfect. Your arms wrap around his torso and you fall asleep almost instantly.

You blink awake to the sound of running water and a clean smell. You let out a soft moan. You aren’t ready to get up. You turn over and snuggle back into the pillows.

Steve must be up and he already discovered you so why bother going now?

Well, maybe you should give him some space to get ready…

But you’re so comfy!

You pull the plush blankets up to your chin and start to doze off again. You vaguely hear the water turn off and resolve to waking up. You prop yourself up on one arm and rub your eyes with the other.

You let out a soft moan and yawn and stretch. When you open your eyes, you blearily see a figure. A very tall, muscular, and very naked figure.

Steve stares back at you for a moment with a towel in his wet hair.

There’s a pregnant silence between you as you watch each other. Your eyes can’t help but wonder down his naked body before snapping back up to his face.

The action seems to break whatever spell is over the two of you.

“Shit,” Steve hisses and drops his towel to his waist.

“Sorry!” You squeak at the same time and avert your gaze to the bed under you.

“No, no! I should’ve known you’d be awake.”

“No, I invaded your space without permission,” you quickly counter.

There’s a brief silence after your statement. “You don’t need permission to sleep with me.”

“I don’t?” You whisper and hazard a glance up at him.

He secures his towel around his waist and looks back up at you. “Never, little star.”

You watch each other for a moment now that he’s covered. Well, relatively covered. “I guess we’re even now,” you smile.

“I guess so,” Steve smirks and approaches the bed. “Is everything okay? Why are you in here anyway?”

“Um,” you sigh as he sits on the bed. “I guess, I just, I didn’t want to be alone,” you mutter.

“I get that.” Steve cups your face and directs your gaze back up at him. “Whatever I can do to help.” You nod. “It was nice to wake up next to someone,” Steve smiles.

“I really did miss you while I was home,” you admit.

“I missed you too.” He leans over and presses a kiss to your forehead. Then your cheek. Then your lips. Something flutters deep inside you and you smile against him.

“What are you so happy about?” Steve hums.

You just shake your head and grin. “You’re not going to tell me?”

“Nope,” you giggle and press another kiss to his lips.

“I think I know a way to get it out of you,” he grins and presses you down against the bed for an onslaught of kisses. You moan against his mouth as he finds his way on top of you, his elbows framing your face and his knees finding their way between your spread legs.

His kisses start to let up slightly as you chase his lips.

“Will you tell me now?” He mutters just breaths away from your lips. Your hands bend up against your chest, not really knowing what to do with them. He seems to notice and grips your hand to press a kiss to your palm.

“Maybe,” you smile.

“Maybe?” He repeats. “What do you want, my beautiful star? Cars? Houses? Power? You can have whatever you want.”

“I don’t want any of that,” you whisper.

“What do you want?”

“Just you,” you smile.

“You have me, star.” He presses one last kiss to your lips before flipping over on his back, taking you with him. You let out a silent gasp as you’re suddenly flipped over. Your hands land on his toned bare chest. Your skin flushes and you suddenly feel unbearably hot. “Now tell me what you think is is funny.”

“I-it doesn’t seem all that funny anymore,” you whisper.

“Oh no. You’re not getting away with it that easily.” His hands run down to your hips, holding you in place. Pinning you there under his ocean gaze.

“I just-it’s just you seem to enjoy my company more than Sam and Bucky’s.”

“Oh, I definitely do,” Steve grins. “I can’t do this with them,” he laughs.

“I mean, you could,” you giggle. “I don’t know how much they’d like it, though.”

“If I try, I need you there to back me up.” His laugh is so nice. It feels like it’s been far too long since you heard it.

You bend down and press another kiss to his lips. His hands travel further down over the curve of your ass. He squeezes you making squirm against him but he just spanks you in response. You smile against him and your kisses focus on sucking his bottom lip before trailing to his jaw.

“Hmm someone’s getting bold,” Steve groans as you nip just under his ear. “Where’d a virgin learn that?”

“You’ve seen my porn history,” you remind him.

“Fuck,” he moans and his body arches against yours and you feel exactly what you’re doing to him.

Your lips travel to the center of his throat just before you hear someone clear their throat.

“Sorry if we’re interrupting.” You hear the smile in Sam’s voice without even looking at him. Your face heats impossibly and you bury yourself in Steve’s chest.

Steve just groans tossing his head back into the pillows “You two are the absolute worst!”

“It’s not like you were going to fuck her,” Bucky laughs, leaning against one of the bed posts. “We figured you’d want to know we handled the little princess’s stalker problem.”

“Good. You did your fucking jobs. You want an award or something?” Steve mutters, exasperated. His tone makes you giggle as you peek out at the two men.

“Thank you, guys,” you offer in Steve’s lack of appreciation.

“You’re very welcome,” Sam grins.

“Don’t encourage them,” Steve warns softly. “We’re moving the wedding to next week.”

“Oh, because you two are so in love?” Bucky mocks before making a gagging face.

“That’s exactly it, actually.” You notice the blush on Steve’s face as he says the words. “At least that’s what we’re telling people.”

“Wait! Are you pregnant?” Sam asks, concern suddenly overcoming his features.

“No!” Both you and Steve cry at the same time. Why do people keep asking that?

“Up,” Steve sighs and taps your ass. You attempt to roll off of him as gracefully as possible.

“Shit, Stevie. If she wasn’t pregnant, you were ready to pump a baby into her,” Bucky laughs at Steve’s very evident hard on as he rolls out of bed and walks into the closet.

“Shut up!” Steve barks as he disappears through the double doors.

“We are really sorry for interrupting,” Bucky smirks but his words sound sincere.

“It’s fine. We probably needed to stop anyway,” you whisper.

“What are you two up to today besides not making me an uncle?” Sam asks sliding into one of the chairs surrounding the bedroom’s fire place.

“We just woke up. We haven’t really discussed anything. Maybe I’ll go try to find a dress or something for the ceremony…”

Bucky frowns at your statement. “You two should enjoy your weekend. Go see a movie or something.”

“Loki’s starring in a broadway show right now. I know how much you love him,” Sam suggests. You smile but shake your head. You’re a little conflicted about your love for him right now.

They do have a point though. You two hadn’t been on a proper date in over a month.

“Where are some good date spots?”

“You can do an escape room?” Sam shrugs.

“Stevie will end up breaking something,” Bucky laughs. “He likes to go dancing.” You quickly shake your head at that. You don’t like clubs or bars or anywhere dancing would normally be.

“Maybe a movie would be fun,” you smile.

“What do you like? Action? Horror? Romance?” Bucky asks with a lifted brow as he scrolls through his phone.

“What scary movies are playing?”

“Scarlet Witch: what will a mother do to get back her children?” Bucky quotes. “They’re saying it’s pretty scary. Maybe you can get Steve to hold your hand,” He goads. “7:30? 8:45?”

“Why are you two still here?” Steve asks walking out of the closet in much more clothes. A pair of grey slacks and a black polo cover up his perfect body.

“We’re planning you a date,” Sam grins.

“I can’t today. I have a couple of meetings,” Steve sighs.

“Bullshit,” Sam frowns. “I know all your meetings.”

“I can do things without you two,” Steve mutters.

“No need to be hostile,” Bucky sighs. “We’re just trying to make sure your girl doesn’t feel neglected.”

Steve looks down at you, still wrapped up in his sheets but you can just stare at a loose thread of Egyptian cotton.

“We’ll do something tonight,” Steve sighs.

You grin up at him. “7:30?”

“7:30.” He leans over in the bed and presses a kiss to your head. “If you go somewhere, take one of them with you.” You nod.

“Take care of her,” he instructs his friends.

You watch him as he leaves the bedroom and hear the front door close behind him.

“Where the fuck is he going?” Bucky barks at Sam.

“He’s got a lot going on,” Sam sighs. “Give him some space.”

“He’s so fucking dramatic.” You nod in agreement to Bucky’s statement. “What could he possibly be doing without us?”

You watch the two men for a moment before opening your mouth. “Probably jacking off.”

Bucky gives you a pointed look before bursting into laughter.

“That was a good one,” Sam agrees with a light chuckle. You think you’ve hung out with them enough for them to accept you into their fold. You feel pride at actually making them laugh.

“Since he’s gone, do you want to go shopping with me?” You smile up at the two.

A couple hours later, the three of you stop by Starbucks for breakfast than it’s off to Bergdorf for last minute dress shopping. You figured you can just get something off the rack for this last minute wedding. The judge won’t care if you’re not wearing a one of a kind designer gown. As long as you look good in it.

You found a dress you like but it’s just okay. You’re not really in love with it. And you refuse to compromise on this. You’ve made enough compromises…

And there’s plenty more shops to go!

“I’m tired of this,” Bucky grumbles as you peruse the racks of Bloomingdale’s.

“You can go sit,” you suggest.

“I’m tired of sitting!”

“This is only the second store,” you argue.

“How many stores are we supposed to go to?”

“Steve said one of you has to stay with me so suck it up,” you counter before sticking your tongue out at him.

“How about this one?” Sam asks, holding up a floor length silk gown.

“Too bedroom,” you frown.

“Don’t they have people to do this for you?” Bucky sighs, crossing his arms.

“They do, but shopping is therapeutic.”

“For who?” He barks.

You let out a defeated sigh as you finish looking through the evening gown section.

“Saks?” You ask Sam. He’s all in on this shopping trip and you love it. Maybe you should’ve left Bucky at home.

“Let’s do it,” he grins.

“Ugh!” Bucky groans.

You pass by the lingerie section on your way out of the store. A thought can’t help but come to mind.

“Hey,” you brooch the two men as you file into the town car waiting outside. “So, um, you guys know Steve better than anyone.”

“I guess,” Bucky sighs.

“I don’t think he’s told you this but I’m a virgin.”

“You’re a what?” Sam chokes on his coffee. Bucky’s eyes just widen at you and you start talking before either of them can say anything else.

“I know! You said something today and I realized he didn’t tell you which was really sweet of him to keep my personal business to himself but I need your help with something.” The words fumble out of your mouth in quick succession. You’re trying to do better so you make sure to pause between each word so they can understand you.

“You want us to break you in before the wedding night?” Bucky jokes earning a punch in the arm from Sam.

“How can we help, princess?”

“Um, I-I want to get something to wear for the wedding night,” you whisper as two sets of eyes watch you intently. “But I don’t really know what he’ll like…”

“I’m suddenly not tired anymore,” Bucky smirks.

“Cool it,” Sam scolds. “You’re sure you want us with you? Isn’t this kind of a friend thing?”

“My friends haven’t even met Steve. They won’t be much help. Like, what if I pick out a bunch of lacy frilly things and he’s more of a leather and chains guy?”

Bucky inhales sharply at your words and gives you a once over and that tells you he wants to say something wildly inappropriate but Sam rescues you.

“Honestly, you could wear a paper bag and he’d love it but of course we’ll help.”

You step into the nearest lingerie store and suddenly feel completely overwhelmed. There’s a lot of colors and textures and exposed skin to process.

“Hi! Welcome in!” An associate greets. “Let me know if you need anything.” You’re grateful that they seem to leave you up to your own devices while Bucky and Sam spilt up across the store.

You see something frilly and pink and immediately walk up to it. Cute. But definitely not sexy. Maybe Steve likes cute…

You think back to how he had you pinned under him and was about to make you his in every way. No, he probably doesn’t like cute…

You pick it up anyway. No harm in trying it on.

You’ve only found the one outfit when the sales lady steps up to you.

“Shopping for a special occasion?”

“Um, my wedding night,” you whisper.

“Oh! That is special! Which one’s the lucky guy?” She asks gesturing to the two men that followed you in.

“Neither. They’re my fiancé’s best friends.”

“Oh?” The looks of utter confusion on her face makes you laugh. “I know. We’re a little unconventional. I mean, we aren’t swingers or anything! I just figured I’d get a male perspective.”

She just hums and looks down at the set you’re holding. “What do you like?”

“Well, I’ve never really shopped for anything like this,” you admit.

“But I’m sure you’ve thought about it? You have to be comfortable, first and foremost.”

You nod. “Well, I like rainbows and hearts and pink. Maybe pastel purple. Girly stuff,” you shrug.

“I’ll take that and start a fitting room for you. And we’ll walk over to our softer things.” You nod and follow the woman to the corner of the store Sam and Bucky completely avoided.

“I like this section,” you smile.

“Have fun,” the associate bids and goes to help your companions.

Twenty minutes later you’re standing in the fitting area with your assigned associate, Jen. She lets out a deep sigh. “Alright, these are James’s picks,” she points at a cluster of dark leather and straps that intimidates you to no end. “These are Sam’s.” This group is just as dark but much more tame and full of lace. “And these are yours,” you couple of picks are the brightest part of the room right now. “Should we narrow it down before trying on.” You nod adamantly.

By the time you’re done, there’s about eight sets left. You’ve already decided you’ll probably get one from each pile. Now it was just a matter of picking which ones.

“I’ll go put these back. Let me know if you need any help.”

Then you’re left alone. You can hear Sam and Bucky chatting about nothing in particular in the sitting area outside of the dressing rooms. Maybe this is the part where you need some female guidance.

There was always FaceTime.

You try on the first few colorful ones you chose just to warm yourself up.

Maybe yellow looked really good on you. You turn and try to see your back side. You like it! One for the yes pile!

You like the first pink one you found too!

Okay. Maybe this would be easier than you thought.

Maybe not.

You hold up one of Bucky’s choices and Jen explained it to you very thoroughly before she left but you keep getting your leg tangled in the strap meant for the arm? Or maybe it goes around the back? This thing should really come with instructions…

“Hey, guys! Can you get Jen?”

“You need help?” Sam asks.

“Yes! But not from you two!”

“Oh, come on! We can help!” Bucky jokes.

“I’ll get her,” Sam sighs, ignoring his friend.

“Hey,” the woman knocks and you open the door.

“I know you told me how to do this but I think I’m stuck,” you laugh opening the door.

She giggles at your predicament. “Alright. We got this,” she assures you.

Once it’s on, you’re kind of shocked at how much you like it.

“Okay. I need, like, written instructions on how to put this on,” you insist as you turn in the mirror to get all of the angles.

“You like it?” Jen asked happily.

“I do! I think I found my freaky side,” you giggle.

“Oh, you already had a freaky side, princess,” Sam calls. You can’t help but laugh remembering he’s probably seen your porn history too.

You leave the store with two large shopping.

“Thank you, guys! This was fun!” You smile as you wait for the car.

Bucky just shrugs and sighs. “Steve better give me a detailed play by play when you wear that stuff for him.” You laugh at his statement and glance around the area. You’re near the fabric district here and there’s a fabric store across the street but that isn’t what catches your attention.

“That’s it,” you breathe.

You step out into the street just to get stopped by Sam before the car pulls up.

“Hey! Are you trying to kill yourself?” You don’t bother responding. You just point at the shop. “Okay. But we’re using the crosswalk,” Sam laughs tugging you along.

“It’s perfect!” You smile at the dress in the window. It’s looked like it was made of silk or satin but it was structured yet flowy, with a full skirt and train that looked just informal enough for a elopement but formal enough to know that it’s for a special occasion.

“It’s a dress,” Bucky grunts.

“Buck, we’ve been to three stores and she hated everything. I think this is important,” Sam rationalizes but you’re already half way in the building, phone out to capture whatever is about to happen because it’s bound to make good content.

You walk straight up to the counter to a brunette woman. “Hi, um, weird question, is that dress in the window for sale?”

“I’m sorry-“ she starts but the giant brunet behind you interrupts her.

“Name your price,” Bucky requests. “Ten grand? Fifteen? Rent around here must be crazy,” he goads.

The woman looks up at him then back at you.

“I’m sorry but that dress is just a display. It’s not finished.”

“Oh,” you frown. “Who designed it? Do they work here?”

“Actually,” she smiles, “he does. I’ll go get him.”

She disappears from the counter and into a back room.

She returns with a teenager stumbling behind her. He can’t be older than 16.

His gaze jumps between you and the two men behind you in confusion. “H-hi! Did you guys need help with something?”

“Did you design that dress?” You ask pointing at the window.

“Uh, yeah. It was just a project. Something to put out for fall…”

“Can you make me one?”

“Wha-“

“I’m getting married next week and I’ve looked all over LA and New York and this is the first dress I’ve fallen in love with,” you blurt out.

“We’ll pay whatever you want,” Sam states.

“Um, let me, uh, just consult with my aunt real quick.”

“Do it, Peter,” she smiles the second the words leave his lips.

“Alright. Let’s do it,” he grins.

“Is it okay if I film this?” You smile.

You’re measured and draped and pinned and hemmed and a mock up is made right there on the spot.

The shop keeper collects a bundle of white fabrics for you to choose from and you pick a bright white silk taffeta that looks amazing contrasting against your dark skin. You’re so in love already.

“Give me a couple of days and we’ll do the first fitting. Then it will just take me a day to make corrections.” You nod happily at your designer’s words. Sam give his aunt the down payment and you file back out into the street.

You let out the most content sigh you can muster since this whole ordeal started months ago.

-

“Guys it’s getting really real,” you sigh to your camera while doing your makeup. “Something came up and we decided to elope. We’re getting married sometime next week.” You already called Kate, Kamala, and Kahhori and told them the news. They complained for a moment about bridesmaids things and bridal showers but you explained to just wear something nice within the color range and Steve will pay for their last minute flights and lodging.

“We’re going to have a small ceremony, probably at the courthouse, with close friends. I finally found the dress today! You’ll have to wait for the wedding to see it but it’s perfect. Steve suggested doing a big thing in couple of years for our vow renewal but I think I like the idea of something small. We’re just ready to be one. And no, I’m not pregnant!” You laugh. “Anyway it’s probably our last date night as boyfriend and girlfriend. See you all at the alter,” you grin and end the video just as you hear the front door open.

His footsteps approach your room first and you look up happily.

“There’s my little movie star,” Steve smiles. He leans against the bathroom door and watches you go back to your makeup.

“How did your meetings go?”

He lets out a world weary sigh. “I’d rather not think about that.” You nod wanting to be his peace. “What are we wearing tonight?”

“I put some options out on your bed,” you instruct but he doesn’t leave. He just steps further into the room. He stoops over your seated form and wraps his long arms around your shoulders.

“Do I have time for a nap?”

“We have to leave in about an hour so I think so.” You smile at his reflection in your vanity mirror before picking up his hand and placing a kiss to the back of it. You notice his knuckles are bruised and raw.

“Steve, you want me to wrap this up for you?”

You’re already attempting to stand up but you realize you don’t even know where the bandages are.

“Oh?” He opens his eyes and examines his hand. “I guess I didn’t realize how messed up I got,” he chuckles.

You smile back at him and let him lead you to the first aid kit in his bathroom. You’re surprised you don’t ask him what happened. You wonder but you know the answer. He can’t tell you, he doesn’t want to get you involved, it’s best if you don’t know, blah blah blah. Why bother asking anymore?

The two of you settle on his bed while you assess the wound.

“Does it hurt?” You question while applying alcohol to the split skin.

“Not when you do it,” he grins making you giggle.

“There. All better.” You kiss both of his freshly bandaged hands.

“You’re the best,” Steve smiles.

“Get some rest. I don’t want you snoring during the movie.” You press a kiss to his forehead and move to get up but he grabs your hand.

He pulls you down into one of his breath stealing kisses making you smile.

You pull away slowly, glancing into his blue eyes.

“Stay?” He asks softly.

“I have to finish getting ready.”

“Please.”

You can’t say no to that. You curl around his large body and press another kiss to his lips. His hands run across your back, holding you close as he falls back into his bed. You smother your face into his neck and chest as he tangles his fingers in your locs. His breathing calms pretty quickly and it starts to lull you into a sense of comfort as well. You close your eyes.

Just for a few minutes…

You wake up and blink into the darkness. Steve’s weight rests partially on top of you. That groggy feeling that comes on when you fall asleep with the sun out and wake up and it’s pitch black starts to settle over you. You were supposed to wake up for something…

Oh shit! The movie! You tense up to sit up but find yourself hopelessly pinned under you fiancé. You probably missed it anyway.

You settle back down. Even Jethro is curled into your other side. You aren’t going anywhere.

You turn your head wondering if Steve has a clock in his room. You’re within arms reach of his nightstand and you remember he put his phone there before you sat down.

Your hand slaps across the wood searching for the little rectangle.

11:43? Ugh!

You guys need to find some food before everything closes.

“Steve,” you call and shake his shoulder. “Steve, are you hungry?”

He groans and holds you a little tighter, dragging you further under him.

“Steve,” you giggle. “You’re crushing me.”

“Good. It’ll keep you in my bed,” he mumbles. You laugh again and try to wiggle out from under him. “You’re too hot,” you whine.

He yawns and rolls off of you. “You’re pretty sexy yourself,” he mutters. You roll over and crawl up his chest. “Did we miss the movie?” You nod and give an affirmative hum. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how tired I was.”

“It’s okay. I was pretty beat, too. But we should probably get some food.”

“Ugh,” he groans again and drops his arm back over you. “What do you want? What time is it?”

“Almost midnight.”

“Shit! We slept all evening!”

“Yeah, we did,” you laugh.

“I’m sorry, little star! I owe you a date.”

“I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“You’re spending all kind of time with me.” His fingers strum across your back making you smile.

“It’s just like adults to spend their time together sleeping.”

“What are we supposed to do? Go to Coney Island?”

“Well, we went to Disneyland.”

Steve chuckles and finally sits up dragging you along with him.

“What’s open this late?” He muses and grabs his phone. “IHOP? Dennys? Taco Bell?”

“My stomach can’t handle Taco Bell,” you laugh.

“You’re getting old,” Steve jokes in the light of his phone.

“Let’s go to IHOP!”

You change and jump into one of Steve’s cars for a short drive down the street. You opt for a booth in the corner hoping for some quiet but group of teenagers is sat a couple tables away from you dashing that dream.

Steve rolls his eyes as they talk loudly about the Aston Martin in the parking lot.

“Do you get that a lot when leave the house?” You ask quietly.

“How often do people see luxury cars at ihop?”

You just smile and point at the sugary pancake options. “Do you want to share one?”

“The Cinnamon Toast Crunch one!”

“Anything you want, star.” The waitress takes your orders before disappearing again.

“I was thinking we can do the wedding at my house in the Hamptons. Friday? Saturday?”

“You have a house in the Hamptons? Where don’t you have a house? Is the weather that close to the water nice right now? Who’s officiating?”

“All these fucking questions,” Steve chuckles. “You know I don’t know shit about these houses. It’ll be a little chilly but not coat weather. Sweater weather I guess.”

“I love that song,” you interrupt.

“Never heard of it. Natasha said she’s ordained and she’ll do it.”

“That’s nice of her. At least it won’t be a stranger. Probably Saturday. We can do, like, an early afternoon ceremony then brunch.”

“I’ll let the planner know.”

“You didn’t tell me there’s a planner,” you blanch.

“You didn’t tell me what you did with Sam and Bucky all day,” he counters playfully.

“Oh? I found the dress! It’ll be ready hopefully by Wednesday.”

“Good,” Steve smiles. “What else did you do?” He asks pointedly and you know one of them talked.

“Um, we went to a lingerie store to…get something for the wedding night,” you whisper.

Steve smirks at your words and leans back in his seat, crossing his arms. “You don’t have to get all dolled up for me. I like what I see.”

You giggle and glance away. “I just want it to be special.”

“You’re going to let me have you?”

“You’re going to be my husband,” you rationalize.

He regards you for a moment before slipping from his side of the booth to join you on yours.

He curls over you and presses a kiss to your lips.

“It would be an honor.” You lift yourself up to kiss him back.

“I don’t just pass my virginity out to anyone. You better know what you’re doing.”

He smirks at that then asks you a question that feels completely out of left field. “Do you want kids?”

“I-wha-?”

“I know you’re not on birth control. But I had a vasectomy almost 20 years ago and I have no intention on reversing it for no reason. So, do you want kids?” His brow lifts. In that quiet booth, the two of you start to plan your future.

“Do you want kids?” You counter, looking up at him through your lashes.

“I do. I’d love it if you’d make me some. But not yet. I think we need to practice this marriage thing for a bit.”

You nod in agreement. The two of you are silent for a moment before you look back up at him. “Who told you?”

“Oh, you know it was Buck,” Steve chuckles. “He’s pissed off I didn’t tell him you were a virgin.”

“It’s such a big deal to him. I still masturbate. It’s not like I’m untainted,” you laugh.

Steve takes a sharp inhale and clears his throat before answering. “Guys are just into that sort of thing, star. They think they can mold you into what they want. But you know what you like, huh?” He mutters so close to you ear a shiver goes down your spine.

“D-do you like that? That I’m a virgin?”

He hums in thought as his hand around your waist grips your side before dropping down to your hip. “I don’t like that I’ll have to be gentle with you,” he frowns. “I’m a little rough in the bedroom. But,” he sighs, “I’ve never been with a virgin. It will be fun to learn with you.”

“Y-you can be rough,” you whisper.

“No. I want you to enjoy your first time. It’s gotta be good or you’ll hate sex. I don’t want you telling me you have a headache or you’re on your period five weeks in a row because you don’t like how it feels. We have to figure each other out.”

He stops talking as your food is brought out. Steve starts cutting up his omelette but you just stare at your French toast.

“Should we start?”

“Start what?” Steve asks around around a mouthful.

“Start ‘figuring each other out’? So it won’t be so…awkward?”

“I’ve been fucking trying but every time I do my dumbass friends walk in.” You burst into laughter at his statement and how true it is.

“You managed to find some of the most fantastic cockblocks,” you manage between giggles.

“Some of the best in the business,” Steve agrees with a chuckle.

“Were they like that with Peggy?”

“Oh, they were the fucking worst! I don’t know how they knew every time we were trying to have sex. They’d call. They’d knock. Buck always just let himself in. He didn’t even feel bad about it.” You smile at him reminiscing about his late wife. It’s sweet. “And when Nat was in town, forget about it. We just went to bed fully clothed every night because she may just be doing laundry or cooking in our house the next morning. It was like they had a tracker on me.”

“They just love you.”

“My wife loved me, too!” He argues making you giggle.

“Okay, they just have keys to the house, right? Do they have keys to the bedrooms? We’ll lock the bedroom door.”

“Then they’ll just bang on the door.”

“Loud music! Or we can wear headphones with noise cancellation!”

“This is so much work to have sex,” Steve groans a little too loudly garnering the attention of the teenagers.

“Oh my God,” you laugh and hide your face in his cable knit.

“You kids got a problem?” He barks at them only making you laugh harder.

“Stop!” You cry, tugging lightly on his sweater. He just chuckles at your embarrassment.

“Eat your food so I can take you home and fuck your brains out,” Steve adds just as loudly to make sure the kids overhear it.

“I’m going to kill you!” You laugh as tears start to fill your eyes.

“Good luck with that, star.”

Steve drapes his arms over your shoulders as you step back into the house. He bends down to press a kiss to your temple and holds his nose there, nuzzling against you.

“You wanna take a shower with me?”

You almost whip out of his hold you turn so fast.

His expression quickly turns to amusement. “Too soon?”

You nod immediately as your face heats with a blush.

“Alright. Go get ready for bed and I’ll come find you.” He pulls you in for another forehead kiss before branching off to his bedroom.

You watch him as he walks away. This man is about to be your husband. He’s gorgeous. He’s kind. He’s surprisingly gentle. And you can’t even bring yourself to shower with him?

“Wait!” You call grabbing his hand. He hums, turning back around to face you. “Just showering, right? Like we aren’t going to do that until Saturday?”

Steve smiles and nods. “Just showering.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll shower with you,” you spell out with a light laugh at how ridiculous you feel like you sound.

He just smirks at you an pulls you into him to hold your hand properly.

He surprises you and takes you to your room. Well, you guess it makes sense. All of your toiletries are in there.

He turns on you once you reach the end of your bed.

“I’m going to take your clothes off,” he tells and sits on the end of your bed.

“Oh! N-no! I can take them off myself.”

He shakes his head and pulls you between his legs. “I’m taking off your clothes.”

“Are you sure? We can just meet in the shower…”

He shakes his head again and plays with the hem of your sweater. “I want to take off your clothes.”

“…want to?” You question, letting your hands fall to his shoulders.

“I want to,” he repeats pulling you into a soft kiss.

“Okay,” you whisper after pulling away.

“Okay.”

He lifts the hem of your shirt that he’s been toying with up and over your head.

He inhales sharply once you’re left in your bra and leggings. “Shit,” he breathes. “I forgot how gorgeous you were under all of these clothes.” You giggle and move your arms to cover your chest. “Aht!” He scolds, pulling your arms away. “Don’t you dare hide yourself from me.” You smile and place your hands back on his shoulders. He presses your leggings down your hips and he helps you step out of them. “Fucking perfect,” he sighs.

He pulls you closer to him. “Can I touch you here?” He ask, tucking his finger in the little strap between the cups of your bra and pulling you even closer. His face is breaths from your cleavage. You bite your lip and nod. “Can I hear you say it?”

“Yes,” you whisper.

“Yes…?” He asks pointedly with a lifted brow.

“Yes, you can touch my boobs?”

“Good girl.” A soft whine escapes your lips at his praise. He hums positively. “New kink unlocked?” He smirks and presses a kiss to one of your breast. You take a sharp intake. “Has anyone ever touched you here?” You shake your head. He presses another open mouth kiss to your breast. “Didn’t I tell you I want to hear that sweet little voice?”

“No, no one’s ever touched me there.”

You don’t even notice his hands moving until your bra falls away. You move your hands to catch it but his hands stop you once again. “You want to be my good girl, don’t you?” He asks.

You start to nod before thinking better of it. “I want to be your good girl.”

“Good.” His teeth graze the skin just below your nipple and you let out a shuttering breath. His hands slide down your body and tuck into your thong.

Oh?

He slides the piece of cloths down your legs and releases them to fall to the floor. Then his hands grip your ass. You gasp at his tight grip and then his lips wrap around one of you nipples.

Oh God!

“Little star?” He asks making your brain come back to him, back to your bedroom, back to earth. Your eyes flutter open and you meet his blue gaze. His hand presses against your lower stomach while he looks up at you. “Can I touch you here?”

“Yes, please. You can touch my pussy. You can touch me everywhere,” you whimper.

He chuckles softly and lets his hand slide down to your slit.

“How do you masturbate, little star? Do you play with your clit?” He presses into the bundle of nerves that makes your knees so weak that you fall into his hold. He catches you so easily that you wonder if he did it on purpose. “Or do you like something a little deeper?” His fingers slide further into your body making you whine. They brush against the front of your insides with the precession of an expert. You’ve never explored that deep. It was a place for tampons and menstrual cups. A place you didn’t explore unless you had to. It was a little scary to you but he wasn’t scared at all. He almost seemed excited for some reason. It felt strange which is why you stayed away from sex. You were about to let him know that you preferred your clit to be played with-

“Oh god!” You choke.

“There it is,” Steve chuckles. He lifts you up so easily and lays you across the bed. He lays next to you just massaging that spot making your writhe against him. You want him to stop but your mouth begs for more. You’ve never felt more out of control of your own body. You grip his arm trying to push him away but your hips lift closer to him. You pant for air as your body arches against the bed.

“Nggh,” you whine, and attempt to smother your face in the bedding.

“Let it out, little star. Use your words.”

“Too much!” You gasp.

“Nah. You can take it.”

“Ste-please!”

“It’s okay. It’s just me. You can do it,” he encourages.

He’s doing something to you your vibrator could never. It’s never felt like this. You’ve never felt like this.

Then he presses against your clit.

“Ah! Ahh!” You gasp as your core contracts in a powerful orgasm.

But he doesn’t stop.

And your body doesn’t stop.

“Aaaa! Fuuuuu!” You cry as you feel yourself cum, a stream of liquid pouring out of you. You attempt to quickly get up to clean up the mess but Steve holds you down, pressing against your clit and that spot inside of you. “Buhuhu-“ you gesture to your core.

“The maid will deal with it,” Steve reasons. “Relax. Breathe.” You let out a heavy breath and let the orgasm continue to wash over you. “There you go. Good girl.” You whine and wiggle your hips against his hold. “My good girl. My little star.” You whimper and try to relax your tense body as the after shocks pulse through you. You take a few deep breaths and Steve finally releases you. He pulls you into a kiss, pressing himself over you.

You let out a heavy moan when he pulls away.

Steve chuckles and kisses you again. “Was that good?”

You take a deep breath and sigh it out. “Yeah. That was really good,” you smile before covering your face with your hands. “Fuck. That was amazing,” you laugh.

“Amazing, huh?” Steve laughs.

“Yeah,” you giggle.

He presses another kiss to your lips before his hand runs down your body to land on your stomach.

“I think I’ve gotten you nice and dirty. Time for a shower?” You nod and let out yawn and stretch. “Did I wear you out?”

You giggle and roll into a seated position just to give him a goofy, little grin. “I can do that all day.” He chuckles and lifts you into his arms to walk you both to the bathroom.

He places you on the counter. “Brush your teeth and do all that shit girls do.” He kisses your forehead and leaves the room. You imagine he went to brush his own teeth.

You quickly set about your nightly routine, chiefly aware of just how naked you are. Sure, you go naked all the time in your own home. But this was not your home. This was a space where far too many people had access to.

Maybe you just need to discuss that with Steve and have him set some boundaries. Yeah, boundaries are good.

You finish washing your face when your fiancé returns.

Very naked.

“Oh!” You squeak and look away.

Steve just laughs and wraps his arms around you, pulling him back against his very naked body.

“Get used to it, star,” he chuckles. He presses another kiss to your temple and steps away to turn on the shower. This was all so bizarre. It was out of the norm enough to live with him but now you were getting used to seeing him naked.

You just watch him for a moment, trying to get over the strangeness of it all.

“You’re beautiful,” you finally mutter when he meets your gaze.

He lifts an amused brow at you. “You think so?”

You nod. “Like, I can tell you really take care of yourself.” He hums in response before holding his hand out for you. You press yourself away from the counter and finally approach him. He steps into the open shower area.

“Hot enough?” You hold out your hand before turning up the heat. “I forgot what it was like showering with a woman. You guys like to boil.” You giggle but can’t help but agree with him. You wrap up your locs to the top of your head and tuck them into a shower cap before finally joining him.

He’s hard.

Not like porn star hard but you’ve seen him not hard and this was not it. Half mast, maybe.

He tucks his fingers under your chin and pulls you into a gentle kiss.

“Are you like that because of me?” You ask glancing at his member.

“What do you think?” He smirks. “All that moaning and whining coming from that pretty little mouth while having that gorgeous body pinned under me. What man wouldn’t get hard?”

You smile sheepishly, feeling guilty for his state.

But you’re supposed to be figuring each other out, right?

“Can I help?”

“There’s a lot of ways you can help. How do you want to help?”

“I mean, I’ve seen stuff,” you whisper as the water hits your body. “What do you like?”

“What do you want to try?”

“Um…” you squirm under his scrutiny. “Can I just, um, start with my hand? Is that, like, a beginner level?” You laugh nervously at your own question.

“We can start however you want.” He takes your hand and pulls you closer to him so you’re almost chest to chest. “Firm grip, okay? It’s not going to feel like anything if you’re just limp wristing it.” You giggle at his words and finally wrap your hand around his penis. Steve bites back a soft groan at your touch.

“This is the first one I’ve ever touched,” you admit softly.

“That might be a good thing. I can teach you exactly how I like to be touched.” Steve’s hand wraps around yours and he grips your fingers a little tighter around him. “Nice tight grip,” he mutters. You watch his hand intently for his instructions but your eyes can’t help but wander to dick that you’re holding. It’s pretty thick. Your fingers don’t surround the entire thing.

He moves your hand up and down the shaft just a little faster than what you would’ve done on your own.

“That’s it. Just like that,” Steve groans and falls back against the tiled wall. He releases your hand to pull you closer so your body presses against his once more, skin against skin as your chest meets his. His hands run up your ass before settling low on your hips.

You follow his instructions carefully before trying something you’ve seen and read about so many times. Your thumb swipes over his swollen head and he let out a shuddering breath making you light up.

“Is it sensitive there?” You ask innocently. You genuinely want to know as you go back to squeezing.

“A little,” he grunts.

“Am I doing a good job?”

“You’re a fucking pro, star,” he chuckles softly, finally meeting your gaze.

“I have a good teacher,” you smile and stand on your toes to kiss him.

He groans loudly after you pull away and halts your hand.

“Do you want to try something else?”

“Like what?” You whisper. Your curiosity must be plastered all over your face.

He smirks down at you and nods his head slightly to the stone shower bench. “Sit.” You glance at the ledge that up until now you’ve just used for shaving. You know what he’s going to ask. You’ve seen it. Your eyes look back at him wide with disbelief.

“It won’t fit,” you state simply like that will stop him.

“It doesn’t have to fit. That’s what those cute little hands are for.”

You follow his instructions and sit back on the shower seat and he stands between your legs.

“Start slow. Just use your tongue. Like its candy.”

You nod and grip him again at this new angle. You lean closer and open your mouth to give him a kitten lick. A salty tang hits your tongue that’s unlike anything you’ve ever tasted. It’s not exactly bad. You lick again before finally filling your mouth with his tip.

“Don’t forget the rest,” Steve coaches. You remember your hands as you squeeze along his shaft, stroking him as you suck experimentally. “That’s perfect,” Steve sigh. His hand finds your jaw and coaches you to take on a little more. His hand massages your throat and you try to appease him. Before you know it, your lips are halfway down his shaft and his cock is touching the back of your mouth.

“Good girl. My good little star. So fucking perfect for me,” Steve moans. Part of you glows with pride at his praise and you just want to please him. You feel him jump in your hands and he swells slightly.

“Fuck,” he groans and grips your throat a little tighter. “Gonna cum.” You hold on to him, not letting up with either your mouth or your hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuu,” he sighs and spills into your waiting mouth. You gasp in surprise and pull away just for more to spirt out over your face and chest.

You get that taste of him again. It’s not really bad. It’s different. You swipe what lingers on your chest with your fingers and suck it off.

You kind of like it.

You glance up to see Steve watching you like a predator as you suck his essence off of your fingers.

“I’m sorry. Did you not like it?”

“I fucking loved it, star,” he growls making you want to cower away but you can’t help but lean in closer. “We have to wait until the wedding?” You nod and lick at his tip again as a little bead of cum bubbles out while he watches you. “Shit,” he curses and pulls you up so you’re standing against him. “Let’s get you cleaned up. I don’t know how much longer I can be good.” You giggle at his words and finally take a shower.

Once you’re clean, dried, and lotioned, you cuddle against Steve in your bed. Jethro curls up next to you as usual while the two of you talk quietly.

“You’re sure we can’t wear clothes?” You question, making sure the sheets covered your chest.

Steve hums positively while he covers his face with his arm and lets out a loud yawn.

“You need get used to this,” he explains simply. “We’re being intimate.” You curl over him, wrapping your leg over his hips. He holds it in place with the hand that was over his face and massages your thigh.

You finally let your hands explore his body as well. “You have really big pecs,” you smile touching the skin there. He chuckles softly and tickles behind your knee making you giggle and press his arm away.

“That was a weird compliment.”

“I don’t know if it’s a compliment. You have bigger boobs than mine.”

“Let me see.” He pulls you up so you’re sitting straddled on his stomach. All of the blankets fall away but you don’t have time to feel exposed as Steve cups your breasts in his palms. He scrutinizes them for a moment. “You’re definitely bigger,” he finally decides.

“Barely. I’ve always thought they were too small. I kind of want a boob job,” you admit.

He glances from your chest to your face. “I think they’re perfect. But if you want your boobs done, you just have to ask.”

You smile at his offer. “You like them?”

He takes a deep breath and bends his knees so you can lean back against them. “I love them. I think if they were bigger, they wouldn’t fit your body.”

“It’s just something I’ve thought about since I was younger,” you sigh. “What about you? Any changes you want?”

“Well, you said I was beautiful. I guess I’m good,” Steve laughs making you giggle.

“You don’t have any insecurities?”

“Of course I do. I’m still human. I’m not perfect.”

“You seem perfect. Like a Ken doll.”

“Is that what you think?” You nod. “I used to weigh less than you,”

“No way!”

He nods and pulls at your hands so you’re lying against his chest.

He’s held you like this before but with no clothes, it no longer seemed so innocent…

“I still have all kind of health issues. Asthma, a heart murmur, I can barely fucking see without my contacts. Remind me to take them out before I fall asleep. I thought if I made the outside better, it would fix the inside. The inside still sucks.”

You hold him a little tighter at the new information.

“Do they have scoliosis Ken?” He asks and you smile.

“Tell me something else,” you request.

He takes a deep breath and you notice just how out of sync his heartbeat is as you press your ear to his chest. “This is really shitty,” he warns.

“Lay it on me.”

“Um, okay.” He’s never sounded so unsure of himself like that. “This is something no one knows. Not even Buck.” You perk up at his words. “I’ve only been with one other woman since Peggy died. It was technically her niece. She’s my age! Maybe your age. Whatever! She’s an adult,” he quickly disclaims before you can call the cops. He takes another deep breath. “And…I met her at Peggy’s funeral.”

“What the fuck?” You bark at the man, shooting up quickly.

“I know. It was so shitty. That’s why I’ve never told anyone that. Ever,” Steve confides.

“And you never should!” You cry and smack his chest lightly. “Shit! I’m sorry,” you immediately recoil at hitting him knowing how fragile he is under all that muscle.

“It’s okay,” he laughs. “I deserve it. I just want you to know I’m not perfect.”

“Well, you keep ruining that image with each word,” you pout, and lay back down against his chest.

“Your turn,” Steve sighs, running his fingers through your locs.

You think back through your life for a moment. “Um, I’ve only been in one relationship. It was while I was in college. It was my first serious relationship but he just got out of a relationship with a girl that cheated on him.” Steve hums in understanding as his grip on you tightens. “He kept, like, projecting her onto me, suspecting me of cheating, questioning everything I did. I didn’t really want to do anything with him after a few dates but he couldn’t catch a hint. Then he slept over once and he tried to-“ Steve's grip on you becomes deafening.

“Steve, I can’t breathe,” you wheeze.

“Oh, shit! I’m sorry, star,” he releases you quickly but you don’t want to be released while you recount this moment. You want to be held down. You want to be tethered.

“Wait, don’t let go,” you whisper.

“If the next words out of your mouth are that he forced himself on you, I can’t guarantee what I’ll do with my hands,” he admits.

“I mean, I stopped it before anything happened but it kind of turned me off of dating. I just put my head down. Focused on school and my friends.”

“I just need a name, star. It’ll be like he never existed.”

“He was young and dumb. We both were.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Steve says flatly.

You just hum. You haven’t shared that with anyone either. “Can I tell you something?” You say after a moment and sit up again on his chest. “You were so gentle and patient with me that you restored my trust. And you didn’t even know any of my past. So, thank you.”

“I hope you’re not giving yourself to me because I was the first guy to be nice to you,” he smirks, reaching up to cup your face with his hand.

“No, of course not,” you smile. “I know this isn’t an ideal situation for either of us, but I want you to come home and be happy to see me. To confide in me. Unwind with me. Be like a normal couple.”

He pulls you down into a soft kiss. “I’m already happy to come home to you.” You giggle softly. “The rest of it will come with time.” He lets out a heavy yawn.

Time. It’s always time with him.

“You need to go take out your contacts,” you remind him and roll off of his chest.

He hums in agreement and slides out of the bed. “Don’t go anywhere,” he warns and yawns again. You can’t help but watch his butt as he walks off.

He’s got a cute butt.

You snuggle into your bed, taking up the spot he warmed up to stave off the cold. You start to doze off when you feel the bed dip and Steve wrap his arms around you. You drape your arm over his shoulder and snuggle into his chest.

“Goodnight, Steve,” you mutter.

“‘Night, my little star.”

Chapter 3 | Master List | Chapter 5

[drlectertho]

Hello dearest Hannibal community,

Thanks to all the peeps who are still following me after like 10ish years of more or less complete inactivity on here.

I did have a lil‘ peak now and then, looked at old posts of mine and reblogged some that didn’t feel all too cringe. Also scrolled through my feed and hannibal tags and found that actually not all too much has changed in this fandom - same humour, same love for the show, same insanity, same kind of lovely people… heck, some of you veterans from back in the day are STILL active! I very much applaud your committment! 👏🏻

I‘m actually writing this post because I thought I‘d give an update on what‘s been going on in my life in hopes that some of you also comment a wee update about themselves or make a post and tag me (and others from the community) 🫶🏻

I‘ll try and make this not too long (Spoiler: it got longer than expected):

Basically, Hannibal (@nbchannibal) fundamentally influenced the trajectory of my life.

I went to med school because of that show and got my medical degree few years ago. Never in my life thought about becoming a medical doctor until I watched Hannibal, more specifally after watching Season 3.

I‘ve always been fascinated by sciences, human anatomy, forensics, horror, the dark and obscure. But also loved arts and creative work, and for the longest time I’d wanted to make that my profession. I was planning on studying Digital Animation right up until I finished my last year of high school. At this point, I didn‘t really have a portfolio for uni application and was doubting my creative skills/potential.

When Season 3 of Hannibal aired, I‘d watched it 2 times in a row and then rewatched Hannibal all together (since have rewatched the whole series again about 3 times). I realized that I didn’t solely love the show because of the (b)romances, its story and its goriness, but because of the psychological and medical aspects of it. Really, really loved the „sassy forensics team“ and their work (even though it was very fantastical at times and surely not the most realistic portayal of forensic medicine). Suddenly, I had the epiphany of becoming a forensic pathologist. Silly me didn‘t know that meant that I’d have to do 6 years of medical school, get a medical degree and then do another 6 years of residency in forensic medicine. But applied for medical school anyways, passed the „big“ entrance test and sure enough, I fell in love with medicine.

My dream of forensic medicine was pretty much crushed right away, since I was told that there were only few residency options in the city where lived (and wanted to continue to live) and hardly ever any open positions in this niche specialty. Also job market was rather saturated - and still is.

Did a pathology internship during uni and found it very intrigueing but couldn‘t really cope with the smells, even though seeing, touching and cutting (recently) deceased bodies was no trouble at all. I then thought, maybe forensics would‘nt have worked for me anyways and abandoned the idea completely.

Last year of medical school I did an internship in psychiatry, enjoyed it, apparently did well enough and was encourage by my attending to pursue a career in that feeld. Before that internship I had again recently rewatched Hannibal, and rather unknowingly paid closer attention to the psychiatrists and psychologists portrayed in that show. Hereby became more and more fascinated by the subject of mental health and mental disorders. I was aware, however, that most psychiatrists in Hannibal almost exclusively performed some form of psychotherapy and hardly any clinical/medical psychiatry was shown.

Ultimately, I got a job at the very same psychiatric clinic I did the internship at and am still doing my residency there. I like my specialty very much, love and care for my patients deeply, and my work definitely gives me some sense of purpose. Do I feel completely fulfilled? No. But who really is, am I right?

As of late, I‘ve been entertaining the idea of forensic medicine again and changing my current specialty. I guess, I have not been able to let it go completely after all…

Anyways, did Hannibal affect your life also in some or great way as it did mine? If so, I‘d be curious to hear your stories! :)

Thanks and best wishes to those who read the whole thing or even just a small part of it. ❤️

- M.

[qqueenofhades]

hello, it's youngin anon once again. i need advice and i have no one to ask, so i figured i could ask you. it's a lot and long, so if you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore.

idk how familiar you are with immigrant child guilt, but it weighs on me immensely. my parents work very hard and i can see the way they struggle. i remember when i was young we didn't even have a bed! me and my siblings slept on cushions. i've seen the insane hours my dad has worked so as to afford me and my siblings a better and more comfortable life. both of my parents have put in a lot of work to give us good opportunities, starting with their immigration to the US.

in nigerian culture, education is extremely important, so as i grew up, my parents have always told me to focus on my education, telling me not to work and it did pay off bc i did end up as valedictorian. college, however is presenting a new set of problems.

my dad, who i am financially dependent on (and who is paying the tuition for the state uni where i'm enrolled) has made it abundantly clear that he thinks med school is the only valid career path. i told him that my roommate was studying comms and he said that she could become a lawyer or something, before looking me dead in the eyes and that wasn't an option for me. with him, it's med school or bust.

as long as i could remember, my parents have been telling me i was going to become a doctor. every time i asked my dad to get me something, he say, i'll do it and in the future, you'll become a doctor, right? and i would agree and that was that. i've answered to all the adults who asked me that i was was going to med school and they would all give me smiles of approval. if i mentioned any other career growing up i'd be ruthlessly shot down or gently persuaded about how much more security there was in medicine.

i was aware in high school that i didn't really want to be a doctor so i sort of set myself up, enrolling under my college's science school so as to cut off my own retreat path. i figured that if i was able to bear it during high school, i could bear it during college. but i can see my own behavior and i know that i don't really like STEM. not that it's a bad field! i just don't have any interest in it. i read the textbooks to learn enough to pass the test and that's it. i don't interact with my classmates or the professors or the material beyond what's needed to get an A. this is in sharp contrast to my history classes which i have been enthralled with. I took a world history class in the first semester enjoyed it immensely. last semester i took a war and violence in africa class and LOVED it. it made me want to become an African historian/Africanist. i talk to my professors, enjoy the readings, the assignments, all the new info i'm getting on the continent where my family originates. i go to my history classes and i want to be there. i want to learn.

i don't know if i could survive academia as a profession because i've seen you posting about the struggles from working in academia and there was a large strike at my school last semester because professors weren't earning enough. if it were a perfect world or if i had lots of money i would love to get my Ph.D focusing on West African history and be a history professor, but it's not, so. i've been thinking about law school as a happy compromise. i could go to law school with a undergrad history degree and if i went to law school i could also pursue JD/MA in History. i'm trying out some law classes next semester to see how i like them.

i'm now scared that if i were to transfer to a different school in my college my scholarship might be reduced. i'm also afraid that i would lose my parents' financial support if i chose to pursue a different career path and i have no actual work experience.

and i understand my parents' very valid concerns! both of them grew up poor in Nigeria and it was their STEM educations that afforded them better lives. they don't want me to experience that level of crushing poverty that heavily defined their youth. my mom tells me about her younger brother in Nigeria who struggles to get work with his masters. my dad tells me about co-workers' children who can't get jobs in their field of profession and have to work whatever jobs come their way. from what i've seen on the news, the future job market looks bad for the young people (around the world!). millennials are having problems and my generation isn't set to do much better.

is it fair to my parents to just disregard that and pursue work in the humanities? i want to do what i want, to just live my life, but it feels like it's not just my life. it would feel so selfish to just risk that all. whenever i talk to my parents about their journey in the US i feel like i should just suck it all up and go to med school. if my parents could suffer all of that, who i am to complain? do my struggles compare?

i feel like my sense of pragmatism and idealism are warring against each other. I don't like STEM, I'm good at it, good enough to get good grades in the classes, but it's not something i enjoy doing, but there's more job security. i love history and the humanities as a whole, but i might struggle with employment.

i'm semi-familiar with the path i would need to take to become a doctor. i would have to make it into med school (high GPA, experience in science research/labs, shadowing healthcare professionals, good recommendations, etc.), survive med school, survive residency (during which residents are worked like dogs), complete fellowships, and then i would be able to practice independently. and that would probably occupy the majority of my time. people have told me that med school is hard even for people that like medicine. for me who is just tolerating it, can i do it? and what about any future patients? is it fair to them?

my mom has always said that i could just get my second degree in whatever i wanted after i became a doctor, but i don't know if i would have the mental strength/energy/free time to go back to school after med school. i feel like if i grit my teeth and bared it for all my twenties i would lose the drive to do it my thirties. it feels like i've been putting off my living my life for my entire life. in middle school i thought about high school, in high school about college, and in college about post-graduate life. i'm tired of this constant look towards the future, but it's the only thing i know how to do. my brain is constantly asking "okay, and then what?"

if i go to med school and realize that i really can't do it, then i'll be trapped. it'll be too much debt to walk away from, too many years of my life dedicated towards that end goal of becoming a doctor. i feel like if i'm going to change my future plans, i should do it before sooner rather than later. 19 isn't too late to walk back but 26 might be.

but it's not like pursuing a career closer to what i want would be easier.

there's always this big fear in the background of, what if i fail? what if i risk it all to go to law school and i don't make it in? or i end up in a low-paying law job saddled with hundreds of thousands in student debt? or even if i make it to biglaw, i still end up burned out from all the hours that they work? wouldn't i still be miserable? i'm not super familiar with how law school works but i've done some lurking around @artielu's blog and law seems like something i should also go into in only if i'm sure.

(i'm not. i'm not sure of anything really.)

it feels like no matter what i'm going to be unhappy in the future. maybe everyone feels this way, maybe a certain level of unhappiness is normal in adult life. it just makes me feel so frustrated because i'm struggling so hard for what? idk. i'm also so desperately scared. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up in the my forties/fifties and realize that i hate my life. maybe i'll look back on this and lament how spoiled/whiny i was. idk. idk.

i'm not looking for an answer to this dilemma, i know this is a decision i'll have to make for myself, but i would appreciate any advice or even words of encouragement. thank you.

Welp. Okay, first of all, I am giving you a big virtual hug and sitting you down at your coffeeshop of choice. So imagine us talking there.

Second, thanks for pouring out your heart to me about this and your various other comments and chats over the years. I only know you as one of my favorite (shh) Tumblr anons on the internet, but I have always seen how thoughtful, smart, and hard-working you are, and I don't take it lightly that you trust me to listen to you and to give you good advice. (Or uh, let's hope, at least not bad advice? Jury's out.) Likewise, I'm absolutely sure that immigrant-child guilt is something to which a lot of my followers can very much relate, and would be happy to talk with you about. So if you are one of said followers and you'd like to encourage anon to reach out to you, please drop a note in the replies! I can't speak to this from personal experience, but I'd love to help connect you to others in your situation. Because yes, it IS absolutely a universal struggle for first- or second-gen immigrant kids: balancing cultural expectations of parents, American opportunities, feeling guilty if you do what you want, etc etc.

Third, and this is just me talking: if you absolutely feel this way, then no, I don't think you should go to medical school. I realize that this is far easier said than done, but if you continue to feel this strongly about it, then... you shouldn't be expected to do it, and that's just something that everyone in your family will have to come to terms with. After all, your parents came to America so you could be raised as an American, and there would be multiple pathways to success -- not whatever just they themselves had to do in order to get here in the first place. I'm afraid that you'll eventually have to bite the bullet and have an honest talk with your parents about this, but it may help if you present this as both your own success and THEIR success. After all, you're smart, talented, you have so many options, and you'll clearly succeed at whatever you choose to do. And that means THEY did their job right: they worked hard, they raised you right, they brought you to a place where there ISN'T just one narrow pathway to having a fulfilling and prestigious career. It doesn't mean they "failed" to make you a doctor. It means they succeeded in making YOU, and opening up so many more things for you to do.

Obviously: that's going to be hard either way, your parents are probably going to be upset, and that's very tough to deal with, especially if you're a close family unit and if you're financially dependent on them. You're the only one who can choose when to have the conversation and what might come of it, but it's still something that you do have the right to do. If you want to research other aid options or scholarship packages, or reach out to financial aid/admissions officers at other schools to see what it might take to transfer (that is, if you need to transfer), that's your right to do. You're an adult now and you have the right to take legal and personal responsibility for your own life. If you know what you want to do and how you want to do it: then again, isn't that why your parents came here? Isn't that what they were working to achieve?

Yes, academia is hard. No, there's no guarantee of getting a job. But there isn't the guarantee of getting a job in medicine either, especially if it's something you're forcing yourself to do and which (as you note) would impact negatively on you, your colleagues, and the patients you would be expected to serve. Especially post-Covid and in the American healthcare system: being a doctor/nurse/healthcare professional SUCKS! Even if you like it and feel called to do it, it still sucks, and the only people earning a lot of money from it are the senior/career/specialist types (as is the case in every field). Of course your parents have expectations and dreams for you, but they also don't get the right to control/dictate your entire adult life just by virtue of deciding to bring you into the world. After all, they did that, and that means embracing you as a person with your own choices. (And this goes for all people with controlling/bossy parents, regardless of immigrant or non-immigrant background). So again: this is what they wanted for you, and you've paid that off already.

I absolutely feel the "I spend all my time thinking/worrying about the future and being scared that I'll end up wasting my life" thing, which I think is common to a lot of high-achieving smart people (we are terminal overthinkers to a one). I can tell you now that life has a way of surprising you, and when you get a little older, you start becoming more comfortable with yourself, your accomplishments, your talents, and knowing what you're good at. So I don't think you will find that you've wasted anything. Likewise, when it comes to studying for advanced degrees in history: do you think it might help with your parents if you agreed to pursue a name-brand school? It's still not guaranteed, but trust me, going to a place like Harvard or Yale makes it tremendously easier to get a job or a future opportunity just by virtue of having that name on your CV and the people you will meet, and I have no doubt that you would be able to get in. As well, I don't really think your parents could argue with you going to an Ivy League, or think that you weren't applying yourself.

Likewise, if there is anything I can do to support you in this, please feel free to message me privately/off anon. I will write a letter of recommendation for you, I will see if I know a person who knows a person, I will help look at application materials, so forth and etc. I mean it: I WILL help you in the real world if I possibly can. I'm sure you have tons of other enthusiastic recommenders, but still. Also, I will say that despite the current (terrible) academic job market, I have seen quite a few openings for professors of African history/African studies/African-American literature and culture, and that's just in the US. There are also lots of opportunities around the world.

Anyway: I hope that's helpful to start with. I am giving you all the hugs. Please reach out to me again (especially via private message) if I can help with this in more tangible ways. And likewise, if any of my followers would like anon to reach out to them: please make a note in the replies. We can do this together.

<3

[sahhr-studiesmed]

I am supposed to study all of this, but I can't seem to plan or quantify anything for a while now.

May 21, 2023

8:56 Pm

Reading through my old posts and realising that I'm struggling with executive function and task paralysis.

That no matter how much I actually want to, I can't bring myself to start the task?

So in this picture I have my entire first year med school syllabus that I have to cover for my upcoming two months of exams. It's not even the whole syllabus. Just headings of things. The syllabus that I have to mug up/ cover— whatever you want to call it— is atleast ten times more than what I have written up there.

So coming back to the executive dysfunction. I can't seem to figure out how to study, what to study, what to do and what time limits/divisions to do.

The difficult part is the time blindness, I am having a difficult time figuring out the timeline. I can't seem to see time in a way where I can organise accordingly and I know when the exams will near my brain will start working because of the rush and curse me at the same time for not starting earlier.

In one of my earlier posts I have talked about how I used to manage things by dividing time before but that's what I have been struggling with.

What to divide exactly?

The variables keep shifting and I can't have one plan that is gonna stick for a while. Let alone a plan— I am having difficulty with drawing even a broad outline of what my plan is supposed to be really.

The thing is I can work without a plan— and of course it is going to be downright difficult but I can do it to a certain degree. Of course it would be better with an organised plan and my results would be better.

So let's break it down— okay.

I have been passing my anatomy and biochemistry — barely but yes I have been passing.

I've failed all my physiology major exams. Falling short of marks 4-5-6 marks.

Leaving that out of the way —

Let's start with anatomy —

I had initially thought that I should cover the unit abdomen this month but I have really come to realise that felt very overwhelming to the point that I couldn't even look at the book.

And another error is that I forgot to add one unit on the list— that is thorax.

So now I have a total of 6 gross units.

So for anatomy I'll cover thorax along with upper limb.

Then comes physiology — I'll revise the units I have already studied once before at least :

I'll cover Respiratory and cardiovascular.

For biochemistry—

I'll have to cover all the molecules of life or whole of metabolism. What should I do? Molecules of life it is then.

This is a very fucking ambitious task list to keep.

Simply because, we haven't even finished our syllabus in classes right now. Classes are still being taken.

The way my schedule is set up— I have classes from 8 am to 4 pm.

So the bigger question is— how do I divide the time again?

Where I can cover what is being taught in class, complete assignments and also study the previous stuff.

I'll figure it out. I have to figure it out. There is no other choice I have. It's expensive to fail. It very much fucking sucks and I can't curse the system any less than what it deserves.

Oh yes, the first year was only 10 months long. Fuck them.

[huxkisser]

Thanks again for your ask, and if you don’t mind, since you said you like talking about academic passions, I wondered what you’re studying at the moment, since I see you talk about your professors sometimes. 😊

tysm for the ask! i’m doing an undergrad degree in psychology right now! it’s interesting but it was kinda an impulse decision that i made when finishing high school. i’m planning to hopefully after next year get into medical school. where i live u can do practically any undergrad degree and get into med school as long as u meet certain requirements. i’m planning to take the entrance exam next year and hopefully get in for 2026. i’ve always had an interest in med but it honestly took me a while to decide what i wanted to actually do lmfao. i changed my mind abt nine times since tenth grade. i do wish i had of gone straight into a medical pathway out of high school but i wasn’t in the right space for it and psychology has taught me a lot!

[foster-the-world]

Hard

Things have been hard with baby boy. Three weeks ago he had a really bad week at school (3K) - after doing well all year. Amongst other really unregulated behaviors he scratched his friend - twice. One time at pickup and one time at daycare. The kids Dad called and screamed at me. All I could do was apologize over and over while he yelled at me. Baby boy plays rough but is not normally aggressive. Over a year ago (at 2.5) he bit his friend one time. We made a big deal out of it and he never did it again.

We pulled him out of school short term to figure out a plan. Also not sending him to daycare anymore. The boys parent said he could not go if baby boy was there. Daycare said they would not kick him out (we are close with them after many years) but we didn't want the boy to suffer when he was the one who got hurt. We will get after school care for the rest of the year. At this point its only two more months.

No idea why he was out of whack. Maybe daylight savings time but he was still sleeping a lot??? My Mom flew in to help - Thank God. He's an angel for her and she's a baby/kid whisperer. I had a really hard time with it - random crying. Spiraling with future worries in a really unhelpful way. I'm not generally much of a crier but I also went out of whack. I suspect there was some residual bad/helpless feelings left over from foster care mixed in there.

He seemed to understand scratching his friend was bad. He asked if he could write an I'm sorry card for his friend. His friend was over it within minutes. The Dad clearly was not.

Despite fighting all year for services this kicked my butt into further gear. Managed to get the SEIT (masters degree special ed teacher) that we've been pushing for all year. Ten hours a week one on one while in class. She seems good. I'm guessing she's a recent graduate - but that's fine. Right now we've only been sending him for the two hours she is with him. Next week we will add in another two hours. Then a full day. He's very happy at home with my Mom. She's staying for a month.

Keeping him home has all been our choice. His teacher never wanted him out of class. I just didn't want to risk him doing it again when we didn't know why he was acting like that. He's normally wild but not like this. At the time it felt like keeping him home was keeping him safe. Since going back he's been behaving fine at school. So fingers cross it was just a bad week. This all happened to coincide with his second development pediatrician appointment where he got a official ADHD diagnosis. Also coincided with the response to our special ed due process hearing. We won. We can now pay an enhanced rate to find providers and got over 100 hours of back pay hours. With his ADHD diagnosis came a recommendation for parent training. Got lucky and found someone who seems solid. Starting Monday night. Its virtual and after the kids are in bed. I'm excited for that. It gives me hope there is a "right" way to help him. Of course, its not covered by insurance even though its the recommended treatment for kids under six. Put him in a social skills class- also not covered by insurance (=blah). I don't think it will help but figure he may enjoy it. I believe (and research shows) kids this young can't learn how to act when they are upset at a time they are not upset. But also believe it can't hurt. At this point we are trying all of the things. He finally has OT, PT and speech - all outside of school hours but that's okay. As I suspected the speech person said she has not noticed any problems. We will probably stop that soon enough. His dev ped said we can medicate. She says research shows it helps but also higher chance of side effects when it starts at a young age. I'm very pro medication but not interested in starting until he is old enough to properly verbalize how the they make him feel. If he always acted how he was during his bad week that would be a different story. Right now meds aren't worth the risk.

Thinking we will put him in a integrated class next year. I was hesitant but this experience made me change my mind. We are touring two schools in May. One said they'd probably have a summer spot. They will bus him - which I heard is terrible and unreliable but will see how it goes.

I love him so much. I want a crystal ball that tells me how to help him. Anyone have one of those?

[roseofdarknessblog]

Anatomy lesson (Reiner Braun x Reader)

Word count: 1 705

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Warning: modern AU, slight nsfw

Summary: Being a med student was never easy. But your beloved boyfriend Reiner Braun was eager to help you get your degree. Even if it involved long hours of helping you study and occasionally being your test subject. Or in this case, the best study partner for going over your old anatomy lessons.

Anatomy lesson

For someone who hated studying so much you chose the hardest degree in the entire universe. Medicine fascinated you your entire life. You dreamed of becoming a doctor since you were just a little girl. And now here you were... only a few months from graduating med school with amazing grades and a lot of opportunities for future residencies.  

Did it make you happy? Yes, of course.

Did it also ruin your life on a daily basis? Yes, of course.

„Hey there, sweetheart,“ said a familiar voice as soft lips kissed you behind your left ear. Strong arms wrapped around your waist from behind and pulled you into a tight hug. Your back lightly bumped into a broad chest you loved using as a pillow. „Can I join you?“

„You scared me, where did you come from? I didn’t hear you unlocking the front door,“ you said a little shaken, looking over your shoulder at the familiar face. Hot water from the shower had already soaked his blond hair and made the longer strands stuck to his forehead. „How long have you been home?“

„Ten minutes maybe, don’t know. I wanted to wait for you in the living room, but you always take forever in the shower.“

„Yeah, I’m guilty of that,“ you admitted and gently brushed your lips against his mouth. „How was your day at work, darling?“

„Tiring as usual, but nothing a good warm shower with you couldn't wash away,“ Reiner said softly, his voice making you feel pleasantly warm on the inside.

You lived for long and impossibly hot showers. It was one of your favorite ways to unwind after a long and hard day. And today had been one of those. Even though you spent it at home, the last twelve hours were filled with studying, studying, and more studying. Just like the last couple of days. But despite that, you still felt like you knew absolutely nothing.

„And how was your day? You barely replied to my texts.“

„Filled with anatomy, mostly. I was going through old pre-recorded lessons from our professor, taking additional notes, making some new flashcards and stuff like that.“

„That’s why you’re listening to... whatever the hell you are listening to right now. Usually, you just blast some music while you shower and sing along, but today...“ said Reiner with a quiet laugh as the voice of your professor kept speaking from the laptop placed on the washing machine.

You felt guilty about taking a long break since you still didn’t cover all the study material you wanted today. Taking your laptop to the bathroom with you and leaving on one of the lectures was a fairly good tactic. But just until you almost completely zoned out and paid more attention to the water drops running down the walls.

„I don’t think I can contain any more information even though I am just going over materials I've already studied. But at the same time, I have a feeling that I know absolutely nothing. Like you can ask me about any topic and I’m just gonna blanky stare at your face like you were speaking in some foreign language.“

„You say that every time and then come home with the best grade possible,“ he says, leaning against your bare back and kissing you on the shoulder. „I'm sure you know everything you need, you've had anatomy before and did great. And the exam is next week you still have plenty of time to study some more.“

„I don’t think I have any energy left for that.“

„Come on, the finish line is just a few steps away. You made it too far to give up now.“

„I’m not giving up, just...“ you breathed and quickly turned around in his embrace, wrapping your arms around his neck and standing on your tiptoes to kiss him. Your and Reiner’s height difference was all fun and games until you had trouble kissing him whenever you wanted. He needed to bow his head a little so you could reach his lips comfortably. „I’m tired, Reiner.“

„But you’re doing great, baby. I’m really proud of everything you do every single day. Even the tiniest, most ordinary things.“

„But the tiniest and most ordinary things are not gonna get me my medical degree.“

„Maybe not, but they are an important part of our lives. You can’t just focus on one thing and ignore the rest. Life comes as this one really big thing made out of million smaller ones which are all almost equally important.“

You smiled a little and placed another kiss on his soft lips. Kissing Reiner was one of the single best things in the whole wide world. And you had the privilege to do so for the last four years. The two of you met just before you started med school, so he’s been with you through it all. Your best and worst days. He helped you study for many exams and sat with you patiently when you needed a volunteer to learn anatomy for the very first time or practice clinical skills before your rotations in the hospital.

He was always there. Always. Supporting you and loving you every step of the way. Helping out with housework, mostly cleaning and cooking when he had time after or sometimes even before going to work himself. You couldn’t imagine your life without him by your side. Some days you were so overwhelmed by the love he made you feel that you couldn't even remember how you used to live before meeting Reiner.

Were you truly living or just surviving? Waiting in the shadows for the greatest gift the universe had to offer?

Med school was undeniably hard and it took a lot of your free time. You spent long hours with your nose stuck in books and study materials, and even longer hours in the hospital wards. But Reiner was patient. He planned cute small dates, waited for you after your unpaid shifts at the hospital, and planned his own schedule around your needs.

You viewed him as the most stable element in your life.

And for that, you were eternally grateful.

„I believe in you, sweetheart. You can do anything you set your mind to,“ he said lovingly, cradling you in his strong embrace, and pulling you even closer to his chest.

There weren’t enough words in this universe you could use to express your love for this man. You were just so unbelievably grateful for his presence in your life. He could turn even your worst days into ones with beautiful memories and lots of love.

„Do you want to study some more tonight?“ You nodded your head, gently brushing your lips against his collarbone. One of your hands travels up his muscular back, rubbing soothing circles on his warm skin. „And would you like me to help you?“

„You should rest, Reiner.“

„I have a day off tomorrow so I’ll have plenty of time to rest then. Tonight I’m all yours.“

„How did I get this lucky?“

Without an answer, Reiner made you take some steps backward until your back lightly hit the wet wall. His hands came down to your hips, gently squeezing them as his lips found yours again. His kisses became more and more passionate, loving, and tender at the same time.

„You look so beautiful with your hair wet,“ he whispered into your lips, proceeding to plant small kisses along your jaw and neck. „Just so so beautiful,“ he continued in a low, raspy voice. His lips swept over your collarbone, lovingly kissing one concrete spot before he sucked the skin between his teeth.

„Reiner...“

Your body tensed a little, and your breath caught in your lungs as a soft whimper escaped your mouth. Reiner smiled against your skin, sliding his right hand down your thigh, the other one still resting on your hip.

„You wanted help with anatomy, right? I think this is the best and most efficient way. Practical skills before theory, am I right?“ he asked jokingly before kissing you between your breasts and sliding both of his hands around your waist and down under your butt. His toned muscular arms picked your up with ease.

Wrapping your legs around his waist, you kissed his lips again, playfully taking his lower lip between your teeth. „I’m not so sure, Reiner. How should this help me pass my final exams?“ you asked just a little out of breath, gazing right into his golden eyes. Gosh, you loved their color so much. In the sunlight, they sometimes looked like pools of sweet honey.

„I’ll show you in a bit, sweetheart.“

„Oh, okay. Go ahead, big boy,“ you teased him and cupped his face in your hands. He didn’t have time to shave this morning, but you didn’t complain even a little bit. The slight stubble around his chin, and lips looked really good on him.

„But we should move to the bedroom, it has a better... vibe for this kind of activity.“

„As you wish,“ you whispered submissively, reaching out your hand and without looking stopping the shower. Cold air almost immediately brushed against your heated skin, making you shiver in Reiner’s embrace. „Just be careful and don’t slip on the wet tiles like last time. You almost broke my arm.“

„That was a stupid inconvenience, and it won’t happen again. I’m always being careful with you.“

„Just until you lose yourself in the heat of the moment.“ Your lips pressed a small kiss to the right corner of his mouth as he carefully stepped out of the shower. He was always very careful and gentle around you like he was afraid of accidentally hurting you in any way. „Shouldn't we grab a couple of towels or dry ourselves first? The whole bed will be wet otherwise.“

„Who cares,“ Reiner murmured into your ear and made his way to your shared bedroom.

Your laptop stayed in the bathroom, the professor's voice from the pre-recorded lecture still sounding through the apartment. His anatomy lectures were always one of your favorites. But they were just too theoretical.

Nothing could've compared to the anatomy lessons you taught yourself with the eager help of your boyfriend.

[chronicallydragons]

Hiii I hope this is not intrusive, but I made a lil expedition in your blog and couldn't thing any post in wich you talk how you balance your life as an scientist while being chronically ill. I'm chronically ill myself (myalgic encephalomyelitis) and plan to be a doctor in a handful of science areas, but the amount of time I have to study per day is way bigger than I can afford with the fatigue and mind fog (adhd is also in the soup). It would be a wonder if you could share some tips and experiences if ya don't mind :) hope you've been doing ok

Thanks for asking! I've actually been trying to figure it out again for myself, so I'm not sure if I'm any help here because it is SO hard to balance work and life and being chronically ill. I also have ME/CFS in my alphabet soup of diagnoses, so I understand the struggle! I guess I could just talk about what I've done since getting sick? Maybe you can gleam some wisdom from it? I'm definitely not a doctor or an expert, but I can try to help! (sorry, this gets long...)

I got sick right after I got accepted into grad school but right before school started, so I had a lot of trial and error trying to find out what worked. And grad school is hard. It's always going to be hard. But grad school with a chronic illness was a new kind of hard and when I tell you I wanted to drop out at least once a semester... I think the biggest things that contributed to me sticking around to graduation was: I was working full time in the lab at the university so was already planning on doing part time class work, my classes were (mostly) online (more on that later), and my boss/master's advisor's wife has a lot of health issues too, so he's been super sympathetic and flexible with my reduced energy and increased brain fog.

For school, I did not have accommodations my first semester but did get them set up for either my second or third semester. Most of my classes were online because my degree was mostly online and it was during the part of covid when people...cared. But I did have a few in person classes that I worked with my professors to make sure I had access to zoom when I couldn't make it in person--that's probably harder for med school, but it might be worth asking for! Other accommodations were with a case-by-case extended deadline, extra time on exams, small snacks and water in class and exams, and being able to put my feet up in class. I tried to get an accommodation for an index card of notes for brain fog, but the school required more hoops for something like that so I didn't go for it, but it might be worth at least asking for.

For work, I'm currently in a weird place where we moved away from the university for my husband's job, but I was still able to finish my thesis remotely, and I still work for the lab--just remotely and part time. I help with journal manuscripts and putting together experiment sheets right now. But I probably do need to find a new position sooner than later. I'm currently looking for positions with the state health department because I know they do more remote work than my local health department. I'm also hoping when/if I do get a new job, that I'll be able to get accommodations for a more flexible schedule--including less required in person time if possible--and possibly trying to be part time. My big thing is I *can* work, I just need to be able to recline and turn the lights down/off which is hard to do in an office or lab setting. When I WAS still in person and full time at the lab, my office was just shared with me and a coworker/friend who was totally fine with me turning off the lights in the office and working in the dark. We also had an extra table that was supposed to be used for other computers/laptops and paperwork and stuff, but I used it to lie down on after being in the lab for extended periods of time. When I was in the lab, some of the labs got really hot, especially under all the PPE, so I found spraying my gown and gloves with the ethanol helped to promote some evaporative cooling to keep my heat intolerance in check. I found that communicating with my coworkers and supervisors about when I needed breaks or accommodations was super helpful. Working with SARS-CoV-2, we were in Tyvek suits and PAPRs in a sectioned off portion of the BSL-3 lab, and I'd often overheat in there, so I made sure I was going back with a lab partner and took regular breaks to leave the SARS2 room, take off the PAPR, and get some air for a minute and rest.

Like anything with ME/CFS, pacing is going to be the hardest but most important part to figure out. And science requires a lot of mental exertion, so even if you're "just" reading papers or running data analysis or whatever, taking regular breaks and taking it slow is really important. Some school disability resource centers have screen readers you can borrow, and if reading becomes difficult, it may be worth asking if you can get one so you can listen instead.

I'm not sure how it works with med school--I had originally planned to do vet school eventually, but I got distracted by research and public health so went the MPH route, but planned to go to vet school eventually until I got sick. But I know vet school class schedules are super strict and take a lot of time and I don't know if I'd be able to adapt it, so I'm not trying too hard to get to vet school anymore, but I think it'd definitely be worth having a conversation with your professors, the doctors you'll be working with, and the disability center at your school to try to figure out what the best way is to get things done without making yourself any sicker. Find ways to reduce stimulation and symptoms while you're working so hopefully you need fewer major breaks--for me, that's things like managing my orthostatic intolerance by reclining/putting my feet up/lying down/staying hydrated/staying cool and then also reducing light--either turning the lights off or using light sensitivity glasses (I used my HSA to get Avulux/Axon glasses and they work really well but they are expensive so going with a cheaper brand if you have any light sensitivity probably works just fine too!). I know some people benefit from noise filtering and use Loops. Mobility aids are a life saver. I didn't apply, but my university had a limited amount of electric wheelchairs and scooters they could lend to students every semester, if you don't have a mobility aid that works for you yet, it might be worth checking if you school has any available. Really just doing anything you can to keep symptoms down while you're studying and researching can help keep you functional longer, and that's kinda been what I've managed to do. I've straight up brought heating pads to work/class and the only comments I usually got were either 1) "are you okay?" or 2) "Oh, that's GENIUS," so don't be afraid to just...do what you need to do and use what you need to use! I hope something here helped?

[lastlycoris]

you do know that doctors make mistakes too and that there are negligent doctors. you can't judge nurse practitioners just because there are a few bad eggs.

You're right. Doctors do make mistakes. Doctors can be negligent. Doctors can be abusive. I've seen many flavors of doctor and resident and midlevel and nurse practitioner in my admittedly short career.

Medicine is ultimately a profession where you can do everything right - and still fail anyway. And honestly, we probably don't do everything right either, but we do our best to try.

And doctors try by getting the education, training and experience needed to practice medicine. Starting from college, where we have to take dedicated premedical education (such as organic chemistry) in college and taking the MCAT (Medical College Admission Test), we strive to get the highest GPA and MCAT score we can because medical school requires that. The average GPAs and percentile MCAT a medical school would accept is 3.6 or higher and 80th percentile respectively. It's why acceptance rates to medical school overall are 10% or less.

Of course, if you want to get into a good residency, you have to do well in medical school and do well on the medical licensing exams (USMLE) - two of which you take during school. This is especially true if you want a competitive specialty like dermatology, plastic surgery, or neurosurgery. Furthermore, during med school, you're already taking care of patients in your third and fourth years.

Oh, and finally residency - where you finally go into your subspecialty and are actually responsible for patients. That's another 3-4 years before you pass your board exam and finally become an attending physician.

From college to graduation, that's at least 11 years of getting a medical education. Now, I say all this because I now want to make a comparison for an NP.

To get a Bachelors in Nursing (assuming you're in the nursing track from the start), it takes 4 years. You get around 700-800 hours of clinical work, which we'll include for the sake of comparison, even though the 700-800 hours you work as a nurse are not the same as 700-800 hours as working as a doctor in terms of duties. And in the process of getting the NP degree, you get around 1500 hours of clinical training. This is in stark contrast to medical school where you can get 6000 hours of clinical training alone - and residency which adds a whopping 9000-10000 hours.

Ultimately, a doctor is not allowed to prescribe, treat, or diagnose a patient independently until they've allotted at least 16000 hours in clinical training - working with actual patients. I haven't even included actual preclinical education hours like pharmacology and such.

NP organizations arguing for independent practice for NPs (NPs being able to do things unsupervised by doctors) state that NPs should be able to do all the things that a doctor does - only after 1500 hours of clinical experience. A tenth of what is required a doctor.

I am judging those "independent NPs", especially the ones that practice as an NP straight out of school with a minimum of nursing experience, because you have a tenth of the clinical experience - not even as much as a graduating medical student - and still believe you have the knowledge and expertise to practice independently - to do everything a doctor does? That is arrogance.

At least when a reasonable doctor makes a mistake, there's 16000 hours of training and education behind it.

When a reasonable independent NP makes a mistake, there's only 1500 hours of the same.

And it's not fair for the patient who is being told that getting care from an independent NP is "just as good" as getting it from the doctor? No. It's not even close. And as I've said in a previous post, an independent NP is not held to the same standard of care as a doctor is.

So what these guys are telling the patient is:

"Hi, I'm an independent nurse practitioner. I deliver just as good care as a doctor does. Oh but if I make a mistake, I won't be held to the standards of a doctor."

Please make this make sense for me.

You don't recognize what you don't know. The education and training requirements are there for a reason - and trying to bypass that will only end in tragedy for both the practitioner and the patient.

[actualbird]

Hey hopefully it’s not too late to chime in on the grad school topic (no need to reply if it is!!)

I’m just a year younger than you, and my entire life I also planned to go and get a master’s and eventually a PhD. I think now that it was for gender reasons since “Dr” is a gender neutral prefix… but about halfway through my undergrad I had a huge crisis bc I don’t really like anything enough to want to study it further. I still got the degree, but now I’m just taking a gap year to try different things out and see where life takes me. I think maybe I’ll want to do a masters, and maybe I won’t, but both are okay options as long as I’m enjoying life :’)

I don’t think you really need to find a career you’re super passionate about or anything either, for me at least I’m definitely leaning towards “a job that gives me enough money for the life I want and that I don’t suck at”

Anyway if you’d like a song recommendation in this trying time, I’ve recently discovered Alanis Morissette’s “hand in my pocket” and it’s helping :D “and what it all comes down to, is that I haven’t got it figured out just yet, but I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a peace sign~”

Take good care!!

irt my existential crisis yesterday

hi anon!! it's not too late and hhh i really appreciate this ask :'3

im really glad youre enjoying life right now, and the more i think about it the more i realize that really that should be like, my overall goal, even if it's a simple yet sometimes nebulous goal. i dont even know what makes me (existentially) happy!!! im happy just vibing through life with minimal stresses ;-;

youre super right about the career thing tbh. i think because of my upbringing, im kinda stuck in that mindset of "you have to eventually get to your Dream Job, your Passion, to Truly Get Your Life Together" and needless to say, having a goalpost set up that high is not stellar for my general brainscape.

i really resonate with “a job that gives me enough money for the life I want and that I don’t suck at” because right now thats how i feel about my current job! i dont hate it, though im not in love with it, but it gives me the money i need to buy my meds and pay my cat's vet bills and sometimes i can treat myself to tot merch every once in a while. maybe it's okay to just....idle here. im not sure i have it in me to be a Successful(TM) person. i wanna go somewhere good with my life but i also just wanna have a nice time....is it possible to have both??? probably. i just dont know how to do that yet. i hope i'll figure it out

thank you for the reassurance, and i wish you well too ;w;

[kitkatt0430]

What's a character you haven't written about but would like to? O r a character you'd like to write more of, if you prefer

How about two for the price of one. 😉

I wrote Homeward as a response to a prompt from @avatarskywalker78 and in it included two OCs who are the E90 version of the Tornado Twins. Dawn Allen and her brother Jay. And I really want to write more for these two, though right now my focus is on other places.

So what I know of these two thus far is that they were born identical twins, but Dawn was quite insistent about being a girl when she was still very, very young and while Barry and Tina were a bit confused at first, they were supportive of their daughter even when they didn't really understand her. They've had their powers since early childhood. But Barry and Tina were very good at explaining to a child's understanding of logic why exposing their powers to others wasn't safe.

Jay is, of course, named after their deceased uncle, Detective Jay Allen. Dawn picked her name herself because she thought sunrises were beautiful and Dawn is when they happen. I don't know what name she was given at birth, but it's not really relevant unless I ever decide to write something about back when they were still babies.

By the time the baby twins were born, Tina had come up with a chemical formula that would bind with certain pain medications, increasing the amount of time it could last in a person's system. It'd probably cause a normal amount of pain meds to overdose a normal person, but in a speedster it makes the medication work - and last - the way it's supposed to. Tina was able to adapt the formula to bind to puberty blockers for Dawn and then to her HRT later on.

Jay has, absolutely, gotten in trouble for punching a school bully who would misgender Dawn. But Dawn has also gotten in trouble for punching that same kid for bullying Jay over being artsy. Tina had to be the one to scold them over resorting to violence first and not last because Barry was trying too hard not to say 'good job, slugger' to Jay and 'that's my girl' to Dawn.

Dawn wants to be a CSI like her dad, though she's just interested enough in pure research that Tina still has a chance to steer her towards a career at Mercury Labs instead of forensics. While Tina and Barry have a friendly 'rivalry' over Dawn's career choices, they've also made sure she knows they'll respect whatever she chooses. It's her life, she should live it the way that makes her happy.

Jay was nervous to admit he wasn't all that interested in science. He's good at it, but he's not really drawn to it. Unlike Dawn he really just... does not know what he wants to do with his life, so his parents suggested he do an Associate's Degree in General Studies. Which he could then build on for a Bachelors in whatever ultimately catches his interest. He still hadn't figured it out when Barry was captured by Zoom and imprisoned on Earth-2, but he either figures it out while Barry's away or not long after his dad gets back. Jay wants to be an art teacher.

They're both really close to their Uncle Julio and Aunt Sabrina, who are both in the know about the Allen family Speedster Powers. They're less close with their Aunt Eve (Dt. Jay Allen's widow) and their cousin Shawn, but that's more because of the distance between where Eve and Shawn moved and Central City. They do love Eve and Shawn and enjoy the chance to see them whenever possible.

Admittedly, some of this is subject to change once I finally start writing additional fics for the series, but this is where I am with them right now.

[mugiwara--ya]

I've been applying to jobs like crazy for months and months and months and every interview feels like this time its finally gonna happen and when it doesn't i just feel this crushing fucking hopelessness and i try not to get discouraged and stay positive etc but. god.

right now im super sick and i took the day off to rest and i keep feeling guilty that im not using every waking second to look for a job. i feel like i should start taking commissions but i KNOW i cant commit to it. i could work on graphic design but they fucking kicked me out of school after nearly 2 goddamn years of them wasting my time so i dont even have a degree and i dont even want to look at my apps n tools most days bc of the sheer fucking burn out im in. i could post the tons n tons of finished art i got collecting dust on my folders and maybe maybe maybe get some tips from it but i simply cannot move past my anxiety so i just dont. i wanna do so much stuff but im paralyzed bc my absolute priority is to find a job that can get me out of here and i literally cannot think of anything else. i feel ungrateful all the goddamn time bc at least i dont have to worry about food bills and a roof over my head.

i am 28 years old and 100% dependent on my family. i don't and WON'T have a degree. i'm chronically ill. i've been on psych meds for about a year and while mentally ive literally never been better, i'm dealing with the consequences of 27 years of untreated adhd, undiagnosed autism, several mental illnesses, plus extremely fresh and violent trauma from the massive fires where i live and i keep fucking having nightmares and panic attacks over it and its been like two months and i'm so fucking tired. i have next to no work experience and my last "real" job was on 2015 so i have to bullshit my way through interviews and so far no one has fucking called me back.

im just complaining rn bc fuck its getting real fucking dark over here but rn im just worried sick about my partners. they're living together at the moment and they can barely get by. i already reblogged their donation posts and i'll make one linking to them just for idk reach or whatever so please if you read til here wait for that post to go up and please please please help them so at least i can have that peace of mind, if nothing else.

[compo67]

Hi Cal! How are you doing?

Oh, anon. This is so kind of you to ask. <3

I am on the verge of okay. My father is leaving for Chile in a few days, so I will be getting a long, much-needed break from caregiving. I will be able to focus on myself and school, I won't have to drive so much, and I'll be able to stay at his place when I need alone time away from my own household.

But I will also be worried about him. If he needs something, I can't just hop into my car and drive over. And he can't just hop on a plane and fly back. I will have to just... learn how to let go a little.

More under the cut. TLDR; it's been a struggle these past few weeks.

My depression has been a lot to deal with. I'm sleeping too much and my moods are kind of all over the place. I'm also going through writer's and artists' block. Everything I try to write or draw comes out wrong. It's super frustrating and even more depressing. So I'm back to finding little pleasure in things that usually bring me joy. I have been working hard at my mental health through therapy, group therapy, and taking all my meds. Maybe with a break from caregiving, things will pick up.

I'm taking 3 classes this semester, but the school bundles it into one class--with sections in thirds. One section takes six weeks, another six, and another four. I'm in it for the long haul--I won't graduate until mid-May. I am not thrilled to be in this program (Human Resources Management), but I am very grateful that I get to go to school (it's good for my mental health) and it's way cheaper than grad school. But then again, I miss grad school a lot. I just couldn't afford it anymore. My plan is to find a good part-time job in HR, make some money, save some, and then, once I'm settled, go back to grad school and finish the second half of that degree. I really miss academic reading and writing.

And yet, I still don't want to go into the field of academia. :P

I wish I had a mentor. There's a mentor program at the local HR association near me, I'm just unsure if I should take part in it.

Chronic illness wise, I'm all right. I'm getting regular monthly infusions that have been helping my RA. My joints are loosey goosey like always, but my pain has come down from a 7-8 to a 5-6 most days. I'm so grateful for the relief. Part of that is from PT, edibles, acupuncture, a new muscle relaxer, and rest.

I'm trying to focus on going back to work. It's just kinda overwhelming to think about going back to a very structured routine, where right now I have a very flexible routine. Then I get into self-doubt, anxiety, etc. etc.

So. Overall? I think I'd average it out to: I'm okay. I'm hanging on. I wish I could write and draw more, so I could post more, but I am also trying to take the advice of many readers: rest and recharge.

I just have to trust that this will all work out in the end.

Thank you, anon. It was so cathartic to write this out. :)