#( suicide cw/mention in this btw sorry )

[questioningespecialy]

I was torn on postin' about the fact that he just dropped an "I'm sorry" video 1hr ago, but these two posts make it easy.

it's 34min46sec long and... I don't trust 'em

do be considerate about the first 2min, y'all (just in case)

edit: cw: The suicide attempt topic is in the first 2min 😐

(image ID: a series of screencaps of hbomberguy, a white bearded man with a torn lab coat, addressing the camera, with the subtitles "I want to clarify right now that if anyone harasses Somerton on my behalf, they are worse than him and will not see the light of Heaven.")

I'm adoring the dunkfest but with the knowledge that a lot of people are learning about the hbomb video from posts without necessarily watching it, I wanted to make sure this particular bit got shared.

[whimsicalcotton]

Hi it's me the mf with the polluted marrow brainrot, and I bring you semi-coherent rambles about Marrow Max that were brought on by a song I recently found that just fits her like a glove IMO.

(CW: mentions of suicide & suicidal ideation. Just to be safe.)

The other day I discovered a song called Gifts For The Earth by Deafheaven and idk if it's just me but it gives HEAVY marrow max vibes to me. It's a metal song & the vocals are VERY screechy, so I don't know if you'll like the song itself? Although I think the music itself is really good, but the vocals are still a bit distracting to me even after like 20 plays lmao

ANYWAY yeah my main point is the lyrics feel so fitting to Marrow Max's mental state at her lowest point. The song itself is basically about someone giving up their life and surrendering to death through suicide, depicting images of an angel of Death comforting them as they sink to the bottom of the ocean to become one with the Earth once more.

These metaphors make me think of Marrow!Max so much, like I can perfectly imagine her looking over the cliff during the storm at the start of the fic, feeling drawn to jump into the ocean, as Chloe had done once she found out about the time loops. Feeling beckoned to end it all just like her; to let the ocean waves take her in so she can finally stop the suffering.

(Hell, maybe she actually does in a nightmare she has later on, when she thinks she's gonna lose everything in the new reality… Of course she wakes up, and the terror she feels over losing everything might just make her realize how much she needs Rachel and Chloe, and it pushes her to stop running from them. Or maybe they find her and wake her up from her nightmare, as she sees a figure appear through the darkness of the ocean waves, and then Max wakes up, and realizing they're there, eyes filled with concern for *her*, she fully breaks down in sobs)

It could also be read as a metaphor for Max drowning under the weight of all the responsibility she's thrust onto herself, to save Chloe and the others. Plus the ending lines about the flesh disintegrating into consumption for the earth fits how she can no longer see any benefit to her existence beyond what she can do for others, and how she can save or help them. Completely divorced from any sense of self-worth, she gives herself entirely for the sake of others with no concern for her health.

There could also be a read of the song where it's about Max basically killing off/shedding any part of her that is irrelevant to saving Chloe & Rachel, as everything she once was is drowned in the ocean of her subconscious, letting her become single-minded in her purpose. I guess the angel of death in this case would be Chloe, whose safety she puts above everything else? This one is a hell of a stretch but I find it fascinating nonetheless sfhsdfjkshdl

Anyway uhh sorry about the rambly essay in your asks 😅 I just love this AU & fic and cannot stop thinking about it and wanted to share some of the brainrot with you while waiting for the next update; hopefully you enjoyed reading! & if you like the song too even better!

i see what you mean abt the vocals but i am Also a big enjoyer of good percussion/tonal whiplash music/songs that go on for a Really long time so i had a good time w this one actually! thanks for the rec ^^

also don't even worry about it i dearly dearly love reading ppl's rambly essays about this AU sjdkhfsjhfk <3 (that goes for anybody btw never worry abt being rambly in my inbox bc i am probably sitting here uncontrollably happy-stimming abt it)

👀👀👀 to all of these scenarios/readings also. good fucking food

[nerdywren]

CW: suicide attempt, hallucinations

so ive been hallucinating for as long bad i can remember i dont ever remember the voices calling my name not existing

i was afraid to tell people for multiple years because i didnt want them to think that im crazy or something. i want to be treated like im trying because i am and thats all i can really do.

even now i still have this constructed version of myself and i still include a little bit, like for people im comfortable around enough to share i might mention the hallucinations if it comes up, but i still am very careful to fit that mould that has been constructed in my head.

june week 3 or 4 i attempted suicide and its really difficult to talk about and im saying this because i dont want to have to avoid the topic. I attempted suicide with a knife and im still process it. i didnt tell my in person friends until i was venting last friday, and they freaked out they said that I shouldve told them and why would i do this. that makes it worse, they talked to me like i was delicate and couldnt live if i tried. They babied me. And it felt terrible I’m not going to lie this is why I hid it in the first place. i understand where they’re coming from but i was the one who stopped myself from killing myself. im trying and its a struggle but the way its taboo in some places is worse.

i have a thing where when im contemplating suicide or just having a depressive episode i try to talk to people. And its sounds like a good habit but its actually terrible because i ask them if they really care and that’s not fair of me because i know they do but i also know that lying is easy and im not the only one who can. i try to reach out but im not great at it yet. if i ever text you when im like that im sorry because that’s not fair of me to you

btw im fine rn im on meds and my doctor and parents know abt the hallucinations and depression (I’ve been diagnosed but I didn’t put it in my description bcs I dont want people to feel sorry or something) and im working on getting better :)

my advice for if you have a friend who is contemplating suicide is just to look out for them. Encourage them to get help, talk to them, remind them that you care, listen

THABK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK

[bulliness]

(cw for mentions of sexual assault) Speaking of, it's been driving me CRAZY because I've seen not one but multiple LGBT people proudly "come out" as pedophiles recently and then claim they were only getting hate for being LGBT like if y'all don't read the fucking room... "thought crime" my ass. I really don't vibe with the idea that because someone is sexualizing something on the Internet that means they can't possibly be doing that crime in real life. My older sibling was in online spaces regarding anime, furries, fandom etc. I won't go into details but he sexually abused multiple children, family members, and animals. Whenever I see someone bragging about these things and showing no remorse online I can't convince myself they aren't doing it irl! I know it's my trauma but it really happened to me it does cause real harm, I have PTSD and am constantly suicidal. "thought crime" im sure child abusers are giddy as hell about the pro pedo sentiment that's getting more popular in spaces that used to be more safe. I feel like I'm going to chew off my arm. Sorry, something about imaginary sister in your post made me go !!! bc I was the sister but I definitely wasn't imaginary, yk? In the past couple years I keep seeing these 4chan esque morally reprehensible arguments that make no sense. "kill the cop in your head that says assaulting people in their most formative years is wrong" bitch do you hear yourself?! I've been here a long while and I miss the days you could talk about wanting to kill your rapist when this site was, at the very least, larping as feminist. I'm literally too scared to bring this up on my own blog bc sometimes pedos will send ppl who disagree with them csam. Also I'm not trying to start the most triggering rancid internet shit storm ever in my notifs :/ I did not mean to write out this much omg. You dont have to post this btw lol

No you're fine!! I completely agree that people have gotten way more comfortable being open about being into these things in the name of "queerness" and it actively detrimental to the community.

There was a time when even I was being accused of pedophilia baselessly, that thankfully didn't result in any harassment because all my mutuals called the anon on their shit. So like, yeah, there's baseless accusations and hate campaigns against innocent trans people (mostly women).

But the whole point is that these women DON'T have "MAP" or "big sister" or whatever in their bios. The second you do that shit, you stop being a victim to me because you thought what you jerk off to was more important than the safety and comforts of people that faced abuse.

It's just really frustrating having to scan every tag and post on a blog before following, just in case they're a secret freak. He'll, the reason I didn't know about this blog is because her tag for it wasn't something I'd thought to check on her blog. Actually pisses me off.

Anyway I hope you can avoid this stuff as much as possible. This is quite literally the first time I've been caught off guard like this, because everyone I follow is chill and rarely get into arguments with these people. Good luck 💜

[throwaway588924578]

What really happened

For clarification, these are mostly allegations but since there seems to be some truth behind them and everyone seems to believe allegations without proof anyway, I thought someone should make a post to show the other side in this situation aren't the innocent angels they make themselves out to be and actually seemed to have purposely kept this going after stating they want to move on.

The main person this post will concern though is tumblr user Swanee (@/newdaybreak) and her friends who target harassed another self shipper for the last year over sharing f/os.

Tw/cw for harassment, mentions of self harm/suicide.

This vent post from Jade Rose on their twt was my introduction to this "drama" and I think it should be read. It explains what happened from their side of the story and how it affected them.

Tl;dr: Swanee allegedly vague posted began harassing Jade alongside her friends after Jade followed her when they shipped with Kanata, unaware that Swanee didn't like sharing. They were not trying to cross Swanee's boundaries, they were genuinely unaware that sharing was an issue for her. Since then Jade lost any friends they had then and suffered from suicidal thoughts and even attempted suicide. I can't find the vague post mentioned or any posts from Jade or Swanee made at this time as they both seemed to have deactivated their origin blogs.

Jade also supposedly received harassing anons they think we're sent by Swanee and her friends. These anons included death threats, encouragement to self harm and end their life, telling them Eden didn't love them and wanted them dead, ableist and transphobic comments. Some examples are down below (picked ones that weren't too bad to share because some are just too much)

They also received the following message (as well as other harassing messages) on their retrospring when they attempted to migrate to twt which they think is from Swanee or one of her friends

Jade suffers from bpd and has said before that things like being spammed with harassment trigger breakdowns and they will have serious suicidal thoughts. Lots of people have apparently mistaken this for bait but Jade said they can't control it and genuinely are thinking those things when it happens which is why they ask people not to harass them.

Though Jade has apologised for everything they've actually done wrong, but people still defend the person who has harassed them and not yet apologised.

Honestly, as an outsider in all this, I think this is very chronically online behaviour and some of those callouts I've seen haven't had much evidence either. People can lie online. Yes, even about racism. In a community like the self ship community, isn't everyone welcome? There are far worse people allowed in the community than Jade, who have actual evidence against them too, yet Jade is the one outed because a popular blog said theyre a bad person?

I've seen their account, they seem like a sweet person who just wants a platform for their ship. They haven't harassed that other shipper and I think it's unfair to continue to out and harass them.

This community is supposed to be a safe space after, so why are we not allowing this one person to be apart of our community and make friends? It's unfair since no actual proof aside from one out of context screenshot and just screenshots of their breakdowns (that were triggered by harassment and Jade even apologized for them) against them. This whole situation could have been avoided if Swanee had blocked Jade or told them that they weren't okay sharing instead of taking the approach she did to the situation.

I may add more to this if I think of anything. I'm tired btw so sorry if some parts didn't make sense.

Rbs are appreciated and my asks are open for questions or discussions. I'm not actually friends or close with Jade Rose however so I may not be able to answer or give clarification for some things.

[luigra]

I have had a post of yours liked for so long where you mentioned the song world.execute(me) and I finally decided to listen to it, and it is so amazing! So thanks for introducing it to me, in a way?

While we're on the topic of music, I'm so sorry I forgot to reply to this ask but I saw it and I was really happy I got someone into Mili ^w^ for this song specifically, there are also several really good fanmovies for it that I hope you have seen as well! This one specifically is really an experience like it really makes me feel an emotional I cannot describe. It's so important to me

^ cw for religion war sex and implied suicide in the video btw

[d1cks1e-st1x]

the characters i drew btw!!! a lot are off model cuz i drew them from memory

‼️ cw for mentions of pretty much every form of abuse, sexual assault, suicide, alcohol abuse, pedophilia and cannibalism. it’s a story with lots of dark themes please approach with caution. ‼️

Sebastian (chupacabra). butcher who sold human dubiously sourced meat. kept animals to keep up appearances of selling meat that was not a person and abused them more or less for the hell of it. died after contracting rabies from one of the dogs he kept. doesn’t look half bad for 30 (he is 21).

Chul Moo (kumiho). a serial rapist and murderer. but like we stay silly. killed himself to escape arrest. died with that cigarette in his mouth.

Delun (qilin). medical prodigy who made several healthcare breakthroughs and tried to distribute medical care for free. died by sudden respiratory attack and didn’t get medical attention fast enough. autism creature.

Abayomi (pheonix) (as a tiny doodle). a recovered alcoholic who became a substance abuse counsellor. carried a lot of guilt and self loathing about his alcoholism due to a fear of becoming like his father, who was also an alcoholic, and abused him and his other parent. died due to liver failure induced by a relapse. gods saddest most miserable creature.

Aishik (abaia). the youngest character, only 18 when he died. he worked at an orphanage. died trying to save a child when the building collapsed. all of the evil people make fun of him for actually having taken care of orphans like some kind of good guy stereotype.

Anna (wolpertinger). an elementary/middle school teacher who was so so niceys and would never ever ever do something bad (child molester). died after being poisened by one of her victims. women’s wrongs etc.

Chiyo (baku). a religious and spiritual leader who upon creation my sister realized was accidentally a little cult leadery but like she’s good like imagine if there was a cult leader but genuinely a good person who improved people’s lives. died due to complications with a variety of chronic illnesses. i wont her.

Austin (dropbear). cannibal <3. he was raised by a single mother until he was 4, when his mother died suddenly and due to a concoction of shock, intrusive thoughts, grief, panic, and being 4, he started eating her. was in the foster system until he ran away age 12 and started living on the streets. ended up eating another person out of desperation and from there began developing an addiction to human meat. died by kuru (cannibalism induced prion disease). has tapeworms.

and these two are some of the Watchers!! the Watchers don’t have names but the characters refer to these two as Ouruborus and Dog respectively. Ouruborus is more heavily featured in an alternate version of the story i didn’t explain here (it’s a tournament arc) and Dog is more focused on in the main story. the two are the main speaker in their respective paths.

the other 4 characters not featured here are Chris (kelpie), Kal (hellhound), Chime (snow lion), and Daiki (raiju). Chris and Kal are the two other Evil Guys and Chime and Daiki are the other two Good Guys.

sorry to Dove for debuting ur characters for you but like you weren’t going to smh i gotta do everything myself!!!!

You should draw some FBoWs of your choice

i drew so many fbows of my choice

dove hasn’t really talked abt these guys anywhere but uhhhhh i think they’re cool so i’ll talk abt them for her

these guys are from my sisters oc story For Better Or Worse (fbow). it’s a story set in the afterlife, where after death, humans wake up with the head of the animal they are deemed most similar to in life. they spend time in this afterlife realm until they feel closure, and in this time they gradually transform into their creature until they have fully changed, and then they’re reincarnated as that animal. the realm is run by Watchers, unsettling non human creatures who, though not malicious, cannot truly understand human emotion in the same way humans cannot truly know how ants feel.

the story focuses on 12 characters who were so exceptional in life that they woke up with the heads of mythical creatures. 6 were exceptionally good and 6 were exceptionally evil. they can’t reincarnate in these forms because their creatures can’t exist, so the Watchers tell them that they need to either Better or Worse in order to change into real animals and reincarnate. if they fully transform before getting better/worse then they’ll be stuck in the afterlife forever.

you should ask her abt them they’re really cool and swag!!!

[seraphim-soulmate]

*jester hat jingles as i jauntily walk up to present my offering*

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

yall can probably guess that I‘m just putting off doing a bunch of uni homework rn by lying in bed and screaming at my dashboard. literally the only thing that could motivate me to work would be doing shots with it or something lmao

[jewlwpet]

I can’t wait

[oceansevaporatetoo]

this cool thing

CW: lab whump, lady whumper, minor whumpee, creepy comfort (abusive/manipulative caretaker), fucky headspace, self hatred, needles, mentions of death, panic attack, disassociation, suicidal ideations, torture, noncon touch, sleep deprivation

here is a description courtesy of @teenytinytumblers: hi im oliver, i have fire powers and also the power of sassiness, im being tortured to find out the source of my fire powers by this shitty lady named dr. bateman, and theres this other dude named liam who likes to punch people, people being me. also my parents abandoned me to the center btw so theres my tragic backstory for you

this is my first time posting writing on tumblr, please lmk if you like it!

I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Dr. Bateman said she’d be back in a couple of minutes with clean clothes—not-bloody clothes—but she’s not back yet and I think I’m going to collapse where I’m standing.

My eyelids flutter, but she said she’d come back and she’s not back yet so I stay standing. I stare at the clock and watch the seconds tick by. Time seems to move faster now that I know I’m nearly dead.

I knew before, I think. I just didn’t understand. There’s no getting out of this.

I am going to die. 

And I’m okay with that, I think hazily as the door swings open.

“Oliver,” Dr. Bateman says, putting the clothes on my bed. She looks up at me, and I lower my gaze just before our eyes meet. “No. Look at me.”

A million comebacks flash through my head and I say none of them. I look at her and can almost feel her hand gripping my chin, the tip of a needle pressing into my neck while I beg her to stop.

I blink.

“Good,” she says, her tone nearly motherly. “Now, Liam will be here tomorrow morning at—“

“I don’t want to know.” My voice cracks, and I flinch as her hand goes to the remote resting on her clipboard. 

“Don’t interrupt me,” she says quietly, but she doesn’t press the button.

“I’m sorry—“

“I’m still speaking.”

It’s a test. It’s a trap.

I say nothing.

Dr. Bateman jots something down on her clipboard, then looks back up at me.

Am I supposed to say something?

My head spins. I’m going to yawn and I can’t, she’ll be furious— and she’s still looking at me.

“This shouldn’t be this hard, Oliver,” Dr. Bateman says loftily, and what if she’s doing this on purpose, what if she’s trying to get me to mess up?

I can’t even remember what we were talking about anymore, and my head feels full of cotton balls and glass shards.

I’ve been holding my breath this whole time. I didn’t notice.

“Oliver?”

I look at her.

She looks at me a second too long and I break.

I let out a panicked sob, grabbing the nightstand behind me and sinking down onto the floor. I’m staring at the same red shoes that were pinning me down to the ground earlier and I screw my eyes shut, but I can still see the red on the inside of my eyelids and I can’t breathe.

“Honey,” Dr. Bateman’s voice comes from somewhere above me, slightly muffled, and I can’t tell if she’s concerned or patronizing or something else entirely. “What’s wrong?”

“You— you’re going to kill me.” But it’s not me saying that, it couldn’t be, because I don’t even remember my mouth starting to move. I don’t remember my eyes opening.

“Yes,” She reaches over my head to put her clipboard on the nightstand. I want to back away, but there’s nowhere to go, and I press myself into the wood. The look on her face makes me think that my shutting down is waking her up. “But let’s face it. I was always going to do that. Oliver, honey, do you know how elemental powers work? It’s in your chromosomes. Down to the deepest level. There’s no way to get rid of your fire without getting rid of you.” 

My head pounds, and I take a shuddering breath. The room is spinning, but not around me, around her.

I’m dreaming, this has to be a dream—

She runs a hand through my hair, as if to be consoling. I shrink away from her.

 “Don’t touch me,” I say, and the sentence comes out in a sob. “Please don’t—”

Her fingers curl into my hair and she yanks my head back so I’m forced to look up at her. “I’ll do anything I want to do, Oliver,” she says, her voice dangerously soft. “You’re going to be on the operating table tomorrow, and yes, I am going to touch you. Never speak to me that way again.”

I say nothing. No words would come out anyway. She lets go of my hair, and I let my head drop.

“Now,” Dr. Bateman continues. Her tone is harsh, and I flinch, bracing myself for pain that I’m not even sure is coming. “I have several things to explain to you, and I suggest you just listen. Look at me, Oliver.”

I look up, swallowing. My eyes threaten to close again, and I force them to stay open.

“Thank you,” she says finally. “Now, Liam will…”

I tune her out, staring absentmindedly at the clock right behind her head. My heartbeat is still in my ears and it aligns with the ticking of the clock, like it’s counting down the minutes until I die.

“Oliver,” I look at Dr. Bateman. “Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“What time tomorrow?”

I don’t know. I have no idea, and she takes the clipboard off the nightstand.

“No, wait—“

She pushes the button, and pain courses through every single nerve in my body.

Pass out, pass out, pass out, I think, and a second later, I do.

“Ten tomorrow morning,” Dr. Bateman tells me when I come to. “What time?”

“Ten tomorrow morning,” I repeat, my voice hollow.

“And where is Liam going to take you?”

“To—” I don’t know, I don’t— “Dr. Bateman, please— just tell me again, I’ll listen this time—”

“I’ve told you three times already, Oliver.”

No. She hasn’t. She hasn’t. I’m not that delirious, right?

Right?

“No— no, you haven’t— I’m not—“

“Are you arguing with me?”

“No no no, I’m not—“

“Well, that’s what it sounds like. But you wouldn’t dare, would you? Not after all that time you spent in 3C.”

“No, I wouldn’t— Dr. Bateman, please—“

“So, where is Liam going to take you?”

Her hand is too close to her clipboard. “Please don’t,” I sob. “No—“

“Honey, just tell me you don’t know the answer and move on,” she says. “There’s no point in delaying the inevitable.”

“No, I know it— I— just say it one more time, please, I promise I’ll get it—“

“You don’t know, Oliver. Say it.”

“I don’t—“ I sob. “I don’t know, but Dr. Bateman, please, please—“

I can hear myself screaming. I can see myself screaming, and I scream again to make sure that I’m still here, that I’m not dead, and then I slam back into my body and I’m still screaming. Dr. Bateman says something, but she sounds far away and underwater, and I think my ears are broken, but really, maybe I’m broken, like that broken clock in the other center that can’t tell the time anymore.

“Oliver.”

Maybe if I open my eyes this will all be a nightmare, an awful nightmare that I’ve been dreaming about for hours, for days, for years. My mom will be alive and my dad will love me again and I won’t have powers—

I open my eyes.

It’s not a nightmare. 

It’s real. 

It’s real, and I’m staring at those red shoes again, shoes the color of blood, of murder, of years and years of torture only to die in the exact same place.

“Oliver.”

I look up at Dr. Bateman, at the woman who took everything from me, and feel absolute, paralyzing fear.

I hate her, I hate her, I—

“I’m only going to say this one more time. At ten tomorrow morning, Liam is going to come in here and bring you to my office. You’re going to say goodbye to everyone, and then you’re done.”

Done.

“Now answer my question. Where is Liam going to take you?”

“To— to your office,” I manage to say.

“Perfect,” she says. “I’ll see you soon. Good night, honey.”

I flinch as the door closes behind her.

I think I might cry, and I will myself to feel nothing again.

[aoitrinity]

An Apology

CW: Brief mentions of mental illness, depression, and suicidal thoughts; general feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and loss.

Message below the cut.

Hi guys.

After the hellish whirlwind of the last few days, I am here because I have to tell you guys that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for this whole mess that I feel partly responsible for.

After the SPN finale, I was, like many of you, deeply upset. I was stunned that a show that it felt like we had followed so perfectly for four years wasn’t living up to what seemed to be the inevitable ending. I was genuinely shocked and horrified that we would be subjected to such a depressing message as “you cannot find happiness or peace unless you’re dead,” that free will is nothing but the freedom to choose your method of dying, or that the showrunners would have baited us so thoroughly with the Deancas storyline. I found it impossible to believe that they would wound a fanbase known primarily for being made up of queer people with mental health issues--people like myself, who literally struggle some days to find a will to keep living, who struggle to believe they are worthy of love--like this. I couldn’t believe that THIS was the story they had felt so strongly about telling, that THIS was the story they were going to tell after they painted this very ending as the horrible, hopeless, nefarious villain’s ending so early in the season.

I was so wounded. I spent all night sobbing on and off. I felt sick; I thought I was going to vomit. I was barely functional on Saturday and most of Sunday. I spoke with a couple of other fans just to try and get my head on right enough that I could take care of my work responsibilities on Monday.

And there were little bits of information about it all that just didn’t seem to fit, that didn’t sit right with me for any number of reasons. But rather than just accept that sometimes things don’t always make sense, I fell down the rabbit hole. I tried to make order out of what felt like absolute chaos. I wrote one lengthy post that really took off (I would ask you all to please stop reblogging it now, if you can) and another smaller one after the debacle of the Spanish-language dub that started last night, both attempting to piece together what I thought might have happened in a way that let me have hope and hang on to the vision of the show that I had believed so deeply in--a vision of happiness and love and family as a reward for fighting for years to retain one’s free will. A vision I have sorely, sorely needed this whole year, and honestly much longer.

But the truth was really there all along; I just didn’t want to accept it. I see that now, after the events of today, after spending time reading this post (thank you, btw, @teamfreewillbettertogether) and watching Misha’s video on Twitter. I was seeing what I wanted and needed to see, not what was there.

So I apologize to everyone that I gave false hope to. I apologize to everyone who read my posts and thought there might be any truth to them, to everyone I swept up in my nonsense. You all deserved better than a half-cocked conspiracy theory written by a frantic woman in the midst of emotional turmoil. And not that I ever expect them to see it, but I also want to sincerely apologize to the cast and crew who worked so hard on these last two episodes, only to have me shit on them because I couldn’t handle the reality of the situation.

I won’t lie, I am in a very, very raw place right now. I’m back to crying periodically and feeling sick to my stomach, and now I have the added shame of having put myself out there like a fool and of having pulled many of you into my vortex. And worst of all, I feel like I caused pain to the cast and crew with my ignorance, especially Misha. Let me tell you, there is nothing more awful than disappointing the person you look up to most in this world.

I don’t really know where I go from here. I don’t think I can let these characters or their story go, but I also don’t know how much I can engage with it right now either. I am very much for the idea of people writing the endings they wanted to this story, and for those who do, I will never stop cheering you on. This fandom is full of wonderful, creative, talented, passionate, loving people, and I love you all so much. Don’t let this finale or the accompanying disappointment steal that from you.

For me in this moment, however, I think I need to just apologize for the hurt that I have caused and try to step back so I can stabilize myself. I will probably still lurk on Tumblr in the coming days, but I won’t be reblogging much, if anything, at least not until I find an emotional equilibrium of some sort. In the meantime, keep up your chins, all. You’re a beautiful, brilliant, wonderful group of people, and I’m sorry for any pain I caused you.

[burtlederp]

"Why did you never tell me?"

Okay, so, this... this nearly made me tear up, writing this. It’s so soft, I just need a hug now. 

Thank you SO MUCH for your patience, btw!!! Thank you SO SO SO MUCH for the ask!!!

cw: mention of self harm, mention of attempted suicide, self hate, elias has a lot of problems :(

---

“Why did you never tell me?”

Elias felt guilt prickle his skin and wished he could tear it off and never have to look at it again, never have anyone ever look at it again. His eyes stayed firmly glued to the floor, cheeks red with embarrassment--or maybe shame? He knew he shouldn’t have done it, none of it, never have cut himself or tried to die, but he had, and he had done it many times and always failed and the marks of all the attempts were permanently marked on him, permanently on display under long sleeves that were now rolled up to his elbows. Soft, gentle hands gripped the scarred skin of his forearms, and it on some level Elias felt relief that he knew she would never hurt him, that her nails would never dig in until they drew blood. He didn’t look at them though, he couldn’t. 

“Elias.” Her voice was so soft, it reminded Elias of the blanket she’d bought him--not for any special event, ‘just because,’ she had said--, so soft that you could barely tell when you touched it until you felt the firmness of the fabric beneath your fingertips. Her fingertips were almost as soft as they touched his jaw, tipping it up to force his eyes to hers, her clear brown that met his dull green with no hint of disgust or anger or pity. The only thing he saw there was love, and he felt his walls melt. He swallowed, not feeling the tears that slipped down his cheeks. He sniffled, pursing his lips, and bowed his head, breaking. 

“I’m sorry,” he choked out breathlessly. “I just… I couldn’t…”

Arms wrapped around him. Lean, well-muscled, strong arms that would never hurt him, the sound of the sea’s gently crashing waves in his ear. He leaned into her, falling apart, knowing she wouldn’t drop any of his pieces.

[clownfluid]

SINCE IM IN THE #MOOD TO TALK ABOUT IT THO

its funny, i definitely grew up with a family who told me a thousand times that everyone on the internet is a horrible bad pedophile kidnapper murderer and theyre all out to get you specifically so don’t tell them a god damn thing,

SO i broke that rule at almost every given chance and made friends freely and while most of them were short lived & quirky friendships there were still a few people who i made ‘promises’ to thatd we’d be BFFs forever and never stop talking and save up lots and lots of money to go visit eachother some day!!

mind u, i was like, 11?? 12?? and very stupid, and like, LMAO LETS JUST SAY SARAH WAS ACTUALLY NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE? we actually fuckin hATED eachother for awhile bc we were just bitterly mutual friends w a lot of the same people so fighting turned to tolerating and tolerating turned to talking which meant ‘wow we actually have more in common than these other Assholes why arent WE friends!!!???!?’

[cutting off here w/ a read more bc its a longer post than i planned]

& like.. i wont lie, there were def rocky parts of our relationship where i questioned whether or not we were just staying together out of obligation because it had been so long, or bc of the joke that ‘andy and sarah have known eachother for 50 years’ and then the number would increase every time, or w/e, or had/stillhave a lot of self doubts that its just my toxic ass manipulating her into thinking she needs me, etc, etc,

but by now i know shes definitely seen the best and worst parts of me, and i can say the same for her, and its just.. comfortable. its natural. she’s just absolutely such an ingrained part of my life that not only can i not imagine a life without her in it; but i refuse to entertain the idea that that would ever be possible??

i know i would have killed myself if Sarah hadn’t been around to stop me. i can admit that. there have been (too many) times in my life where i was not strong enough to stand on my own and she forced me back onto my feet. i thank her for that constantly, or at least, i try to, in whatever way i can.

she gives me not only a goal to work towards; a life where we are both safe, and happy, but a reminder that no matter how much ive changed, for better or worse, that ive already overcome things i swore i couldnt. and i can do it again. and again. as much as i need to. shes all but beat it into my skull that it’s okay to ask for help, to rely on others, and even take time to myself if i need it.

she has NEVER ONCE pressured me to chose between her and someone else, be it a friend or someone im dating, but several times people have targeted her. and, well, we see who i’ve chosen every time.  :/  it’s really stopped being surprising when those people turn out to be horrifically toxic a few months later.

my friends joke that she and i come as a package deal, you want andy, he comes with sarah,, but like,,, HONEsTLY...? yeah. she’s my best friend, my technical-pre-fiance and my oldest friend that i’ve kept constant contact with. she’s known me since i was a got damn preteen and she’s stuck with me through my naruto phase all the way to furry hell and back (several times)

and i love her a lot. really. truly. she is everything to me.

so really i can’t describe how nice it was to finally, after fucking, like, 10 years, see her in person, in the flesh, in the p h y s i c a l r e a l m, and finally have the chance to whoop her fucking ass- and not do it...... instead we just had a lot of subway and went swimming.  = v =)/

[jadeimpala67]

8/100. Out of all the things that apply to me and my life, only 8 of those would actually affect me.

Unless we count that last bit about OTP.

Then it'd be 9/101.

Tell me. Does that really sound like a life worth living?

100 REASONS NOT TO KILL YOURSELF

1. We would miss you. Seriously your blog is a part of my daily life I will miss you.

2. It’s not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you.

3. It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better I promise I speak from experience. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow.

4. There’s so much you would miss out on doing.

5. There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now, but it is always there.

6. So many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself.

7. You ARE worth it. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

8. You are amazing.

9. A time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better. It did for me and it will for you.

10. What about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? What about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? You can’t do them when you’re dead.

11. I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive.

12. You won’t be able to listen to music if you die.

13. Killing yourself is never worth it. You’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about.

14. There are so many people that would miss you, including me.

15. You’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born.

16. How do you think your family would feel? Would it improve their lives if you died? NO… Seriously NO

17. You’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect.

18. Think about your favorite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again.

19. You’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day.

20. Listening to incredibly loud music

21. Being alive is just really good.

22. Not being alive really sucks.

23. Finding your soulmate.

24. Red pandas (I know google it! Amazing)

25. Going to diners at three in the morning.

26. Really soft pillows.

27. Eating pizza.

28. Proving people wrong with your success.

29. Having the jerks who doubted you see you succeed at life.

30. Seeing someone trip over a garbage can. Picture it

31. Being able to help other people.

32. Bonfires and drum circles.

33. Sitting on rooftops.

34. Seeing every single country in the world.

35. Going on road trips.

36. You might win the lottery someday.

37. Listening to music on a record player.

38. Going to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

39. Taking really cool pictures.

40. Literally meeting thousands of new people.

41. Hearing crazy stories.

42. Telling crazy stories.

43. Eating ice cream on a hot day.

44. Eating ice cream on a cold day.

45. Traveling to another planet someday.

46. Having an underwater house.

47. Randomly running into your hero on the street.

48. Buying your dream home

49. Trampolines.

50. Think about your favorite movie, you’ll never watch it again.

51. Think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke.

52. Your survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more.

53. People do care.

54. Tree houses

55. Hanging out with your soul mate in a tree house

55. Snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees.

56. I don’t even know you and I love you.

57. I don’t even know you and I care about you.

58. Because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness!

59. You won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor.

60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER NOM THINGS!

61. Coffee

62. Hugs.

63. Stargazing.

64. You have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is.

65. You’ve changed somebody’s life.

66. Now you could change the world.

67. You will meet the person that’s perfect for you.

68. No matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you.

69. You have the chance to save somebody’s life.

70. If you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things.

71. Making snow angels.

72. Making snowmen.

73. Snowball fights.

74. Life is what you make of it.

75. Everybody has a talent.

76. Laughing until you cry.

77. Having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy.

78. The world would not be the same if you didn’t exist.

79. Its possible to turn frowns, upside down.

80. Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit, and never let them take you alive.

81. Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. Be your own hero.

82. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

83. One day your smile will be real.

84. Having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day. Or anytime you like.

85. Lying on grass and laughing at the clouds.

86. Getting completely smashed with your best friends.

87. Eating crazy food.

88. Staying up all night watching your favorite films.

89. Sleeping in all day.

90. Creating something you’re proud of.

91. You can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit.

92. Being able to meet your Internet friends.

93. Hot Chocolate

94. You will never know what Barney Stensons Job is. #how i met your mother.

95. Cuddling under the stars.

96. Being stupid in public because you just can.

97. If you are reading this then you are alive! Is there any more reason to smile? I’m smiling at the thought that you’re alive.

98. being able to hug that one person you haven’t seen in years

99. People care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this.

100. But, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. Because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen.

IF that isn’t enough:

Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433

Life Line:1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673

Grief Support:1-650-321-5272

Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice):0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support:0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders):08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care:08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs):0800776600

Drinkline:0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales:0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland:08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight India Self Harm Hotline:00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline:022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada):1-800-668-6868,

Free and available 24/7 suicide hotlines around the world:

Argentina:54-0223-493-0430 Australia:13-11-14 Austria:01-713-3374 Barbados:429-9999 Belgium:106 Botswana:391-1270 Brazil:21-233-9191 China:852-2382-0000 (Hong Kong:2389-2222) Costa Rica:606-253-5439 Croatia:01-4833-888 Cyprus:357-77-77-72-67 Czech Republic:222-580-697, 476-701-908 Denmark:70-201-201 Egypt:762-1602 Estonia:6-558-088 Finland:040-5032199 France:01-45-39-4000 Germany:0800-181-0721 Greece:1018 Guatemala:502-234-1239 Holland:0900-0767 Honduras:504-237-3623 Hungary:06-80-820-111 Iceland:44-0-8457-90-90-90 Israel:09-8892333 Italy:06-705-4444 Japan:3-5286-9090 Latvia:6722-2922, 2772-2292 Malaysia:03-756-8144 (Singapore:1-800-221-4444) Mexico:525-510-2550 Netherlands:0900-0767 New Zealand:4-473-9739 New Guinea:675-326-0011 Nicaragua:505-268-6171 Norway:47-815-33-300 Philippines:02-896-9191 Poland:52-70-000 Portugal:239-72-10-10 Russia:8-20-222-82-10 Spain:91-459-00-50 South Africa:0861-322-322 South Korea:2-715-8600 Sweden:031-711-2400 Switzerland:143 Taiwan:0800-788-995 Thailand:02-249-9977 Trinidad and Tobago:868-645-2800 Ukraine:0487-327715

DID I MENTION YOU’RE AMAZING!