#it’s also probably my period hitting me extra hard this month idk

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

yall can probably guess that I‘m just putting off doing a bunch of uni homework rn by lying in bed and screaming at my dashboard. literally the only thing that could motivate me to work would be doing shots with it or something lmao

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

Me: haha wow It’s been really hard to be functional and manage myself properly the last few days haha

Also me: *realizes I haven’t been taken meds properly the last few days bc of psych mix up*

Me: oh.

Me: haha wow my impulse control has been really extra bad lately probably just adhd haha

Me *rememebers I’m slow bipolar*: oh. Oh no.

[friccinfricks]

Ben Hardy x Reader Headcannons, LONG.

This was originally titled “Ben x American!Reader” but idk how I feel about that, America’s lame. So, if you’re not an American, sorry, there are still some references to that, but otherwise it’s pretty generalized. Sorry! Nobody asked for this butttttt

- You probably met through Joe during Bohemian Rhapsody - When Joe met Ben, he just knew you two would get along - So he called you and insisted you visit him in London - “What?? Why??” - “There’s someone here I need you to meet” - He flew you out a week later, when they were doing the farm/Love of My Life/Bohemian Rhapsody scenes - He was so excited to see you, he rushed off the set to pick you up and twirl you around in a hug - “Y/N! You’re here!” - “Of course I’m here, I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to see Europe with you old friend!” - You catch Ben’s eye immediately - Joe introduces you to the rest of the cast, saving him for last - When you’re finally formally introduced, he can’t take his eyes off you - He’s in his wig and the blue button up, which is surprisingly silky - You find this out when you greet him with a hug, it’s warm and inviting - He smells lightly of cigarettes, but also of cologne - When you pull back, his arm lingers on your shoulder, a shy smile on his face - You come to the set everyday with Joe, for “encouragement” - But it’s really just so you can keep his chair warm (but it’s ineffective because the UK do be cold) - Ben notices this as the shooting goes on, and starts bringing an extra hoodie or jacket everyday, even when they move locations - He smiles when he sees your face light up - “You brought this, for me?” - “I saw you shivering yesterday, and since Joe is making you sit here all day, I thought I might as well try to make you less miserable.” - “Aw, thank you!” - He likes when you give it back to him at the end of the day, because by then it smells like you - You take turns bringing each other tea/coffee/hot chocolate (although it’s mostly you bringing it) - The rest of the BoRhap Boys make fun of you two alllll the time -Lucy’s kind of your closest confidante - One day towards the end of shooting, you run into her trailer where she’s packing up her bags - You’re wearing one of Ben’s navy blue hoodies - It’s way too big for you, but you’re so warm and toasty you don’t even care - “Lucy!” - “What?! Is something wrong?”

- You’re giggling like a fiend - “I need you to hide me” - “What?” - “I stole something from Joe and now he’s after me” - “What did you take?” - She’s asking you questions but she’s already moving things around so you can hide behind the small couch in the trailer - It doesn’t take long for Joe to come pounding on the door - “I know she’s in there! Let me in!” - “Whom? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” - “Y/N!!!” - Eventually he makes it into the trailer, immediately moving things around trying to find you - You’re trying super hard not to giggle - Ben sees Lucy standing in the doorway of the trailer and hears Joe’s yelling - “What’s going on?” He asks as he walks up to her - “Joe’s mad at Y/N because she took his picture of him and you from his make up station.” - Ben smirks and walks into the trailer, watching Joe tickle you while you’re squealing on the couch - “Give it back!” - “But... ah!... but you both look so cute in it! Please!” - “No! Get your own cute picture with Ben!” - Ben starts cracking up, approaching you two - Joe looks up at him, knowing about both of you and your feelings for each other - “We can take a cute picture if you want, Y/N” - You calm down your breathing, sit up, sigh, and reach into the pocket of the hoodie - “Fine, here” You say, feigning defeat - Joe takes it and victoriously kisses it, patting Ben’s shoulder - “I’m gonna get that fucking picture...” You mutter - And you do, eventually - You get many, many cute pictures and polaroids - At the wrap party after the last day of shooting, Ben asks if you’ll be going back to America soon - You tell him that you don’t have a return flight set up yet, but that you’ll probably have to go sometime soon - He asks you on a few dates, and it goes really well - But unfortunately you have to go back home - It’s a sad goodbye, but Ben insists that he’s going to call you everyday - And he does - Once a month he sends you a bouquet of your favorite flowers, always around the time of your period - He leaves little notes/cards with them, usually along the lines of        a. “Hello love, hope you’re doing alright this week, I know it’s not the best.”        b. “I’m thinking of you! Stay warm, let me know if you want another sweater.” - Among other cute things.  - When award show season comes around, he doesn’t even pretend to get a hotel room - “So, is your apartment ready for me?” - “It’s been ready for you! For months!” - The only downside is that he wasn’t able to bring Frankie - You guys rock the red carpet together - He can’t keep his hands off you, constant compliments - He’s v protective of you, holding/covering your drink when you go to the bathroom - You know that video of him and Joe at the 7/11??? - Yeah, you’re sitting in the car with Lucy, Rami, and Gwilym waiting for Ben to bring you out a fresh cup of coffee - “You two took forever. You’re not allowed to go on food runs anymore!” - The entire cast and you probably get drunk off your asses at Rami’s house, the ultimate after party. - You probably wake up in a spare bedroom in his button down - He’s next to you, breathing softly - His hair’s a mess and yours is too (not like a, “we fucked last night” but more of a, “we did some dumb shit last night”) - You get up before him and bring him a cup of coffee with just the right amount of cream - When you go downstairs, you see the rest of the cast, sprawled out on couches, making you smile - Everyone complains about the noise, but they quiet down when you distribute cups of coffee and aspirin. - Joe doesn’t even open his eyes when you set his down on the coffee table in front of him, he just says, “thank you Mom” - Once you get back to the room Ben and you shared last night he’s stirring - “Oh, there you are, beautiful” - You softly tell him to shut up and hand him his coffee - You run a hand through his hair when he groans about the sunlight coming through the blinds - He kisses your knuckles after a few sips and complains about his pounding head - Eventually you say goodbye to everyone and catch an uber back to your apartment - He falls asleep on your shoulder on the way back - He leaves a few days later to start shooting for Six Underground - It’s a sad goodbye (again) but you get through it - He does his best to call you when possible, and even introduces you to Ryan Reynolds, who makes fun of how he talks about you all the time - He flies you out to Italy, where you scold him the entire time and tell him to be careful during all of his stunts - “Stop it! sLOW DOWN!” - “Babe I gotta do it for the shot, let me practice before we film” - “Be careful though!” - He’s an utter dork about it and winks at you while he’s practicing - He even winks at you and sticks his tongue out during one of the shots, which makes the editors in post roll their eyes months later when they’re going through the footage - Somehow you wind up rolling your ankle ??? - You’re sight-seeing with him and you’re walking down some steps and ?? - He catches you and pouts when you insist that you’re fine while also hissing in pain when you walk on it - So he carries you back to his hotel and makes you lay down on the bed - You huff and complain but he kisses your forehead and you watch Netflix with him the rest of the day - He takes good care of you, propping it up on a pillow while wrapping you in blankets - He doesn’t even roll his eyes or smirk that much when you complain about the ice being too cold on your foot - You order his favorite (spaghetti carbonara) and you make him watch The Office, the American version - “No! I hate this! The British version came out first, that’s the original!” - “Yeah but this one is better, also, I’m INJURED” - He chuckles and boops your nose and says, “you’re lucky I love you so much” - And that’s the first time he tells you he loves you !!! - You stop mid noodle slurp with wide eyes and turn to him - You blink a couple times, swallow, and tell him you love him too - He smiles and puts an arm around you - A few months after you go back home, you get a call from your boss - They ask you if you’d like to work from home - You mull it over, then ask them if working from home could be done from another country - ... or continent.... - They tell you yes, and you call Ben nearly immediately - “Heyyy baby, remember how you told me you loved me and would support me no matter what?” - “Of course darling, what’s up?” - “How would you feel if I... maybe... moved to London...?” - He doesn’t even answer the question - His voice gets super high and he flips out - “Oh my god, really?!” - “Do you want to stay with me? I promise, my flat’s clean” - “Babe, Frankie misses you so much, when will you be here?” - You chuckle and thank your bosses for the opportunity - Your family isn’t in love with this decision, but they support you - And they like/trust Ben enough to be okay with this - Two months later you’re in London, luggage in hand - You’re looking around the airport, kinda freaked out - He finds you in baggage claim, taking you into a bigggg hug - He won’t stop kissing you !! - “You’re *kisses* so *kisses* beautiful!”  - “Ugh babe stop I just got off a plane, I know I look like crap” - “No. You’re absolutely radiant.” - He helps you with your bags and takes them out to his car - The entire times he’s holding your hand and telling you how excited he is - Your first night there he insists on taking you to his favorite takeout restaurant - It becomes a weekly tradition; takeout every tuesday - Months go by and the pandemic hits - Luckily his shooting for Pixie is done by then - But he’s still bored and on edge - You guys watch the news, but after a while it just becomes too depressing - You sleep in a LOT together - normally he’s not a morning person anyways, but any semblance of a schedule is now gone - One time you see an ad on the tele about animals more in need - Frankie’s sitting on your lap and you’re rubbing her ears - “Do you want a friend, Frank?” - She just looks up at you with big eyes - “We should get a cat.” You announce - “A cat? Are you crazy?” - “I dunno, I kind of want a cat.” - He just sort of nods slowly, averting his eyes back to the tv - A couple days later when you come back from the store you can’t find him - “Hon? Where’d you go?” - You hear some shuffling and moving around coming from your shared bedroom - “Shh shh no, hush, don’t chew on that, your mum will be so mad if you ruin her lamp” - “Ben?” - “Y/N! Hi love, come in, come in!” - You open the door and you see him sitting on the floor with a little black and white kitten on the floor in front of him - You squeal and drop to your knees - The kitten immediately takes to you, purring while you pet it - “What should we name her?” - It takes the two of you a couple of hours to figure out a name - But you settle on Mariposa, because it almost looks like she’s got butterfly wings on her back - Mariposa and Frankie actually get along really well !! - At first they were afraid of each other, but after having them both for two weeks Mariposa is more than comfortable cuddling with Frankie on one of her doggy beds - Ben complains every now and then about “all the estrogen” in his flat, but you just throw a pillow at him - “You chose Mari! And Frankie! AND ME!”  - Speaking of throwing pillows - That’s kind of your thing when there’s not any hot tea or coffee around - When one of you says something inherently stupid,  - BOOM - Pillow’s thrown at the other - Sometimes this leads to pillow and tickle fights (which somehow he always wins) - And yeah, that’s kind of the only two kinds of fights you guys have - Sometimes there are definitely cultural differences or perspectives, but you usually are able to contain those disputes enough to where no one’s voice is raised and there isn’t any lingering animosity - Ben is aware that you two are different people from different upbringings, and is mature enough to realize that you won’t agree on everything - BUT that is a great way to push each of you out of your comfort zones - Your relationship is by no means perfect - Especially in the beginning when it was rare for you to see each other when you weren’t on Face Time. - There were ups and downs and very hard times of just... missing him -  But through that entire journey, you never felt as if you weren’t meant to be - You knew that Ben was a hot commodity and as a growing actor he would be getting a lot of attention for how talented and attractive he is - And he knows you get a little worried/insecure/jealous sometimes, so he goes out of his way to show a little bit of extra PDA towards you when he feels it’s appropriate - All in all, he just wants you to know that he thinks you’re the real star of the relationship - His star, anyways - And while he’s done his best to take it slow, holding off on saying “I love you” too soon because he wanted it to mean a lot - He’s got something in the works - A little velvet box that he puts in every pair of pants, because you never know when the right moment arrives - He’s so nervous, too - There have been so so so so many times during quarantine that he’s wanted to just pop the question - But he knows he’s got to have just a little bit of patience - Then, one day, it comes - You’re nauseous as you look at the two parallel lines on the test - You’re freaking out, you have no idea what to do - If Ben even wants kids - If you even want to keep it - You slide down against the bathroom wall, feeling v clammy - After ten minutes, Ben knocks on the door - “Love? You alright?” - “I-um, yeah, one second!” - You stand up, hands trembling and open the door - He’s standing there, a worried look on his face - “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” - You hand him the test - “Sorry, it’s kind of unsanitary.” - This gets a chuckle out of him - It’s hard to read his expression, but you can see he’s trying to hide a smile - “Hold on, stay right there princess” - He disappears into your bedroom and you’re just standing in the doorway like ??? what is he up to ??? - A moment later he comes back and gets on one knee and you’re just... flabbergasted - It takes you a second to comprehend what just happened, but you say yes (duh) - He’s so excited - He kisses your forehead and then your tummy - He insists, and nearly begs to go with you to every OB/GYN appointment - You let him drive you there, and even in the earliest stages of the pregnancy, he’s got an arm on your womb the wholeeee time - At first you told the doctor you didn’t want to know the gender - But then she told you that you’d be having twins - TWINS - So you were like, “fine okay just tell us” - Ben looks like he’s about to faint when the doctor tells you they’re girls - On the car ride back he’s joking the whole time - “Oh my god the amount of ESTROGEN I’ll be dealing with is ASTRONOMICAL”  - The two of you have no idea what to name them - You ask Lucy and Rami, who are trying to conceive - The entire BoRhap cast is sending you suggestions alllllll the time, at any hour of the day - Joe wants you to name them Josefina and Frances since he’s the one who brought you two together - But you’re also planning a wedding simultaneously - You decide it’s going to be a very, very small and soon ceremony - The only people there are your very closest friends and family - Tbh the most expensive element was probably your dress - You get married two months after your engagement - And go through a very rigorous pregnancy - The twins are born with slight complications, which makes Ben worry about you the whole time - You end up naming them Ilsa and Delia, both beautiful and healthy - They for sure have Ben’s green eyes and your hair - And yeah - Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn close - Ben loves you and all his girls - Because you’re his girls - He’s a good and compassionate father, and his parents love to babysit for you - And if there’s such thing as a happily ever after, - This is it.

[thephantomofthe-internet]

Read Into Me Chapter 3: The Scarlet Letter

Steve Harrington x Reader

CATCH UP ON THE SERIES HERE

Word Count: 4,420

Warnings: Bad grades, swearing, anxiety, bullying

Tag List: @divinity-deos @thecaptainsgingersnap @wolfish-willow @scoopsohboi @herre-gud-nej @clockworkballerina​ @maddie1504​ @i-am-trash-so-much-its-scary​ @bajino-in-the-hole @buckysarge​ @wildcvltre​ @stanleyyelnatsiii​ @t0rmenta0​ @10blurredsmoke10 @unusuallchildd @n3wtscaseofniffler5​ @alwaysstressedout @peterparxour @linkispink1995​ @asharpknife @a-big-ball-of-idk​ @used-avocado​ @mochminnie​ @sledgy14​ @the-creative-lie​

Steve arrived first to Mr. Lawrence’s homeroom, his paper shoved to the back of his notebook. He was happy to have the distraction of Vicki and Tina jabbering at him. He didn’t want to think about his paper. English wasn’t his best subject, but he could hide it from his peers when it was just the teacher and him going back and forth on essays, him writing and them marking. Now, somebody was going to know that he wasn’t good at this. Nancy knew, of course, and while she didn’t say it she always seemed a bit judgemental over his lack of essay writing skill. She was good at everything; it made him feel like he was in good hands when they were together, like they both had something to offer. Apart, it made him feel stupid and secondary, like he was awful at everything. Truth be told, he didn’t exactly know what he had even offered to that relationship, looking back he couldn’t understand why he thought he was worth anything in a relationship at all.

When he sat down, the desk next to him was empty. Steve wasn’t usually early to class, so he was a bit relieved to not see you there. Maybe he could avoid the eminent roasting of his work.

You got to school late. You were absolutely drenched from head to toe. You had walked to school that day, and a sudden rainstorm hit you halfway through, soaking you before you could make it to the building. To make it worse, you’d decided to wear white for the first time in forever. You rushed to your locker in the hopes to change and luckily you’d left a stained sweatshirt there from the previous semester. You’d pushed your wet hair up and away from your face and rubbed away the bits of black eyeliner that had flaked down you cheeks. You looked like shit and you knew it. It was turning into a less than successful morning. You hadn’t even had a chance to look in your locker mirror once you’d changed. You were already late enough for class and didn’t need the write up. You rushed to your English class.

Everyone turned their attention to the doorway when you opened it. You hurried to your desk, keeping your head down and ignoring as Vicki and Tina laughed. You heard Tina say “She looks like a drowned rat.” But you chose to pretend that you didn’t. You were freezing; Hawkins High turned off the heating system mid-March and left the school to stew in whatever weather the state was dealing with to save the county a few bucks a month.

Steve slid his paper onto your desk, keeping his eye on the front of the room as Mr. Lawrence took up attendance. He’d written on the board in chalk ‘how to peer edit’ in thick block letters. You weren’t exactly enthused by the topic, but you were glad to have the dull class to doodle instead of actually listening. You flipped the paper in front of you, looking over Steve’s chicken scratch without really taking in any of the information. You slid it into your trapper keeper, passing Steve your own typed copy of the assignment. You’d made sure to keep the original at home, edited just in case Steve didn’t give you any edits. You left in some mistakes so he could get a grade, but you didn’t want to have to rely solely on him.

You flipped open your sketchpad slowly, keeping your eye on Tracy Lords curly mess of hair piled high on the top of her head like Medusa’s snakes trapped in a golden laurel, or in this case a braided headband. You pulled your graphite pencil from the pink pencil bag you’d sewn in freshman year home-ec. You started with the shape, trying to capture the exact strangeness pile, making little tight curls in the centre of the oval and spiralling in all directions. You felt a pair of eyes on your neck and you turned to see Steve staring over your shoulder. You pulled yourself and the pad inward, trying not to blush. You didn’t like people looking at your art; you hardly showed your work to anyone, even Samantha. All of your drawings sat in their pads, which piled up as the years went by, untouched and forgotten. If Samantha wasn’t allowed to see the pictures of her, Steve Harrington was certainly not allowed a peak.

“Alright, today if you and your partner are ready to begin, we’ll start editing our papers. If you aren’t ready, that’s fine but today is the only day that we’re doing in class editing so I would spend today trying to finish up so you can at least pass your papers on.” Mr. Lawrence explained. You sighed, closing your pad and pulling Steve’s essay from your trapper keeper.

“Now, we want to look for not only spelling and grammar problems, but also sentences that don’t make sense and confusing details within the essay. It’s not about how many big words you can use, it’s if you can accurately and dynamically give your reader information.” Mr. Lawrence explained. He took to the board, writing key points for his marking, specifically to edit in pen and give a letter grade for the paper.

Tina’s hand shot up “You want us to grade the paper? Isn’t that your job?” she asked, smacking her gum violently. Vicki snickered into her palm, reddish brown hair away from her face.

Mr. Lawrence shook his head “No no, I’m not taking your grade on the papers into consideration for my grade, instead I want us to give each other grades to mark the progress of an essay, to give your partner an idea of what the paper might be worth. It’ll be up to them as to whether or not they are comfortable with the grade or if they want to improve.”

You didn’t like that. Who the hell wanted their classmate grading their paper? This was a recipe for disaster. You uncapped your red pen with your teeth, chewing on the lid nervously. You looked over the page. You had made up your mind that you’d be nice. You’d want Steve to be nice to you. It was the least you could do.

But it only took a few lines to understand that this was not a good paper. Spelling and grammar mistakes galore, run on, confusing sentences, no clear subject. It wasn’t even a good story, hell it wasn’t even an essay it came off more like a point form list. As you added more and more red ink to the black, white, and blue it started as. The paper started to become a Jackson Pollack more than a lame essay for an English class, it almost felt beautiful instead of shitty to destroy his essay. It was as though you were turning into art.

Out of curiosity, you looked over at your paper to see how it was fairing. Steve was, as expected, chatting up Vicki from across the aisle, and he’d made two corrections on your page, both small mistakes you’d left in. You rolled your eyes, a pit of annoyance making itself known in the centre of your stomach, as bitter as the cyanide in a peach pit. You made your last two corrects before scrawling a large ‘D’ at the top of the page and initialling next to it.  

You flipped the paper over and pulled back out your sketchpad and brought it close to your chest, pulling your knee up to your chest and adding more curls to the back of Tracy Lords’ head, then focusing in on the braided headband until the bell rang. You flipped your pad closed and slid Steve’s essay back to him, quickly putting your stuff away.

“You mind if I take this home and give it to you tomorrow?” Steve asked, waving your essay in front of your face, nearly giving you a paper cut on the bridge of your nose.

You pushed the paper away, squinting up at him. “Yeah, whatever…” you replied, turning away from. You didn’t feel bad for giving him a bad grade now. He was still a dick head. “Don’t forget your paper.” You added, quickly making your way into the halls. You didn’t usually have the confidence to be snarky with anyone you didn’t trust, but something told you that you could handle Steve Harrington. Maybe it was just how awful his essay was, you felt like you could talk your way out of a fight.

Samantha grabbed your arm as you left the room, the pair of you thankful to have the same lunch period every other day. You hurried into the cafeteria. You knew well enough that she was on the prowl, eyes scanning the room for a certain figure.

“I think the band’s practising today, dude.” You said, taking an extra tray for Samantha and getting her serving of lumpy mashed potatoes and chicken surprise slopped on the plate. Samantha was looking for Robin Buckley, a junior on her soccer team who had drawn her attention as of late, and had been trying to get closer to her as of late, inviting her to join them for lunch every time she saw her and leaving you to third wheel.

“Yeah, probably.” She replied, taking the tray you held out for her and paid for her meal. “So, how’d talking sweet, sexy assignments with King Harrington?” Samantha crooned, batting her eyelashes up at you.

You rolled your eyes “Well, for one, we don’t talk period, and for another it’s fucking awful.” Taking your places at the table closest to the emergency exit, you settled into your routine of trying to choke down the awful cafeteria food. You grabbed your trays and had them filled with whatever horrific concoction the lunch ladies had come up with that day. You carried your grey and brown mushy mess to your table, a small four seater near the edge of the room, out of view from the popular assholes who liked the throw food.

“Oh? Is that what makes it awful? Not getting to enjoy the charming conversations he has to offer?” Samantha was trying hard not to laugh. Watching you squirm was hilarious.

“More like because I have to read his writing…” you replied. You jabbed your fork into what was supposed to be pot roast, but seemed to be ninety percent instant gravy and ten percent meat from an undetermined animal.

“Since when are you such a snob?” Samantha’s mouth was full of mashed potatoes, but the words rang clear.

“Since I spent my morning reading absolute dog shit about a vacation to Miami beach. It was pathetic! I mean, and I’m no critic, but if you’re going to write me an essay on your vacation, can you at least make it interesting?” you ranted. The more you talked about how awful it was the angrier you got about it. You spent so long on art and creating, you spent your time working hard and for someone to slide through life made your blood boil.

Steve didn’t usually spend his free time searching through the cafeteria for people, people usually found him. Tommy and Carol had already motioned him over, their new friend Billy already gone somewhere else, and Vicki and Tina had called for him to join them, but Steve had to handle something first. He didn’t really know what he was looking for, he wasn’t certain he’d find it in there, but there wasn’t any shame in searching. He would ask someone for directions, but it seemed that nobody knew or cared where you were at any time.

You gave him a ‘D’. A god damned ‘D’! He was flummoxed, he thought his essay was shit, he wouldn’t pretend that he didn’t, but he had expected you to be a bit kinder. That was like the unexpected rule of everyone in the class, to grade on the curve. But you went in hard. All he wanted was some answers.

He saw first a flash of pencil stained hands in the air, then the shine of your hair under the florescent lights. You were talking with your hands, making Samantha Cameron laugh hard. He’d never seen you that animated, it made him smile for reasons he didn’t quite understand.

He chuckled, coming up behind you in the hopes that your ease would stick around if he didn’t announce his presence. “You really gave me a D on my paper? What did I do to deserve that?” he asked.

Apparently, you really couldn’t smile when he was around. Both you and Samantha’s smiles dropped, your punky friend dropping her gaze as you were forced to turn around. “Oh…um…well I mean it…maybe I need to look it over again, I was probably being too harsh…” you stuttered, unable to keep yourself from burning up.  You prayed that he hadn’t heard what you were saying. That would’ve been awful.

“Hey, it’s cool, the paper’s no good, it’s no big deal.” That was a lie of sorts, when Steve saw the big red ‘D’, his heart dropped. And he really didn’t believe that you were as innocent as you seemed. You seemed guilty over something.

“Well…I’m sorry anyway. I didn’t mean to bother you…” you apologized. You hoped he’d go away; you’d never been more uncomfortable around a person than Steve Harrington. You didn’t know why, but something about him made gave you more butterflies than other people did, he scared you for reasons you couldn’t quite understand.

“You didn’t bother me, don’t worry.” Steve chuckled awkwardly. You wouldn’t look him in the eye, it was throwing him off. “So, listen, I don’t want to fail this class,” he huffed out a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck “Could you maybe help me rewrite this thing?”

You looked to Samantha, unsure if you could even speak words anymore, but she was smirking into her pot roast. Absolutely no help at all. You tried to smile “Um…sure, I can’t promise I’ll be much help though…” your voice was hoarse and unsure of itself. You hated that you’d said yes, but you couldn’t bring yourself to refuse. What if he got mad? Or yelled at you? You couldn’t handle being ridiculed or yelled at, you’d die.

Steve chuckled “Any help I can get is good enough. I can meet you in the library after school, okay?” he said, turning his gaze to Tommy’s hollering from across the cafeteria. He waved him over with both hands, like a sailor on a sinking ship, trying to beckon Steve back to where he belonged. Steve nodded, holding up his index finger, he only needed one minute.

“Sure, yeah that’ll work.” You said, fiddling with a thread hanging from the edge of your grey sweatshirt. You’d painted a little pink flower on the inside of the sleeve. When Steve saw it, he couldn’t help but smile at it; it looked so sweet and earnest.

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” He left after that, heading over to Tommy, who was frustrated beyond belief. He took his seat easily, stealing the pudding cup off of Carol’s tray wordlessly.

“What did that freak want?” Tommy asked loudly, his eyes blown wide. Carol was painting her nails, not even bothering to look up from her work. Tommy made no attempts to hide his dislike of you. He’d expected his best friend since the second grade to feel the same.

“She’s nice, we’re doing an assignment together.” Steve replied with a shrug, pulling the plastic covering off the cup, sticking the plastic spoon into the vanilla pudding.

Across the room, Samantha grabbed onto your hands with a giddy grin. “Look at my little girl! She’s got plans, with a boy!” she squealed, swinging your arms back and forth over the table.

“Jesus, can you please stop acting so straight? You’re gonna scare Robin off.” You yanked your hands away, watching with a grin as she turned her attention back to looking around the room excitedly. You let your eyes find Steve in the cafeteria, the buzz of fear filling your ears. You couldn’t believe that you agreed to meet him anywhere. You wanted to disappear.

You couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the day. Your mind had gone into a feral sort of panic mode, pumping fear through your veins and turning your palms cold. When the final bell rang, it took all your strength and courage to not run all the way home. You knew that if you didn’t show, the problem wouldn’t go away. You’d just have to deal with the results of ditching the next day, and if not done now, then you’d have to deal with it another day. You clutched your books tight to your chest, sitting on the bench outside the library, trying to keep the butterflies from bursting out of your mouth. Your hands kept coming to your hair, trying to fix it or keep it away from your ears, maybe just to comfort yourself. It had dried weird and you worried that it looked ridiculous.

You saw his shoes come up to yours before you saw his face, royal blue Adidas with white and red details and dirty laces. You noted your own dirty white Converse, marked with mud and lyrics to songs that Samantha wrote on the toes. “Hey, you ready to do this?” Steve asked. You looked up and nodded, swallowing hard.

You wouldn’t make eye contact with him again. It was really starting to freak him out. He didn’t know what he did wrong, but it seemed like you really didn’t like him. Still, you’d agreed to help him and he wouldn’t take that for granted. He’d read your essay twice and it was good. He didn’t know much about good writing, but he knew that Mr. Lawrence would like it, that it would get a good grade. And he wanted decent grades too, so he could get into college and get his dad off his back.

The Hawkins High library was fairly quiet after school, most students headed back home or to after school clubs.  Only a few stragglers remained, mostly using electric typewriters and returning books to poor Mrs. Mueller, who always kept the library open till four, waiting for her husband, the head of custodial staff, to finish his work. She smiled at you when you walked in. Mrs. Mueller was a nice woman who let you sit in the library during lunch and always checked in on you when you seemed alone. She was your favourite teacher, despite never having a class taught by her.

Steve chose a table in the dead centre of the room, dropping his blue bag on the wooden chair next to him and pulling out his papers. You carefully followed suite, folding your hands in your lap, unsure what to do with them. Steve smiled at you, sliding the essay towards you “So, what am I doing wrong?” he asked.

You narrowed your eyes, unsure where to begin. You picked up the paper, and then open your notebook, writing down everything the story seemed to be about. Steve watched you, utterly confused.  Once you had every down, you set down your pen. “Okay,” you didn’t look up from your paper, sliding the essay to the middle of the table. “Tell me what your paper is about.”

“What? You read it, you should know.” Steve laughed awkwardly.

“Humour me.” You replied, looking up slowly to meet his eye. Steve’s smiled dropped, looking at you for a second. You broke eye contact first, but he wished he had been able to hold it for a moment longer.

“Okay, well,” he took a deep breath “I wrote about my family’s trip to our cottage on Miami Beach, and I talked about what I did. Nothing much.”

“Okay, because what you actually wrote isn’t really about that. What you told me is that you went to Miami Beach, your parents own a dirty beach house that was your grandparent’s house and that they’re both dead, that your grandfather fought in World War Two and that the medals were framed in the house, that you met a girl on the beach but she didn’t like you, and that the flight was long.” You explained. You still couldn’t believe that he’d fit all of that into a page of work.

“So?” Steve asked. That was all true of his last trip. Mind you, that was way back in middle school and the details were hazy.

“So, that’s a lot of information that I don’t care about. You can cut all of the stuff about your grandparents, which takes up like half of it. And when you cut that, all I know is that the beach house is in Miami Beach and you met a girl and the flight was long. That’s not bad, but I’d like to know a bit more about it.” You said, taking back the essay from the middle of the page and crossed out every line about his grandparents.

“What do I say instead then?” Steve asked, watching as you crossed out half his page, trying not to sound defeated. You were basically saying that he had to start all over again.

“Well, tell me about the beach? Pretend like I’ve never been. What’s there to do, what’d you like about it?” you shrugged. You found yourself feeling a tad bit calmer; the butterflies had calmed their intense flapping and had let you breathe.

Steve sighed “I don’t know, I’m just bullshitting.”

“What’d you mean?” you asked.

“I mean, I didn’t go on there, I haven’t been to our beach house since I was a kid.” Steve looked away. He was embarrassed to have been caught in a lie, even more knowing that now he’d have to rewrite his whole paper.

“Oh…what’d you actually do on your break?” you hadn’t expected him to be lying about anything, a snow bird spring break trip sounded about right for his family, they were always bragging about their money.

Steve chuckled “Oh no, nothing worth writing an essay on.” You looked up at him again. He seemed a bit sad. You pulled another sheet of paper from your trapper keeper, setting it overtop the last one.

“Tell me about it.” You smiled at him despite yourself. He was bit easier to talk to than you’d imagined.

Steve swallowed, nodding despite himself. “Well, I mean my parents went to the beach house and I tried to throw a party, you probably heard about how that went.” He rubbed at the back of his neck.

“No…” you shook your head. Steve wasn’t expecting that. Everyone had heard about the failed party, he’d gotten shit about it for weeks.

“Well, I couldn’t get any supplies, so I cancelled and hung out with Tommy and Carol instead. We got drunk in my backyard and Carol fell in the pool. She was so pissed. Then, I pretty much just hung about town, helped my buddy Dustin beat Dragon’s Lair at the arcade.” Steve didn’t really like admitting how lame his life was, he purposefully left out how Tommy and Carol only hung out with him when he went to pick up some weed from his older brother and they wanted a hit off it. Admitting that his life wasn’t that great made him feel small and like it was out of his control, which was not exactly a good feeling.

“Okay, tell me about the little party you had with Tommy and Carol. What was the night like? Was it fun? Did you jump in the pool too or did you watch her fall and laugh?” You had written down the few details in a bubble tree and added more details as he explained his time more thoroughly. You managed to get a bit more information on both events, learning more about his friend Dustin and the game they played.

When he was finished, you slid the page over to him. He took it, eyebrow raised in confusion, but you spoke before he could ask any questions. “This is your blue print. I wrote down everything you told me; now just turn it into an essay. The whole trick about these assignments is that you’re telling a story, and to make it interesting you have to give us details, and not about your grandparents or other things that don’t add to the story at hand, about what actually was happening.” You explained, checking the plastic watch on your wrist. It was almost four and Mrs. Mueller had already passed your table twice, her silent warning to leave. Everyone else who had been there had long left and you became very aware of how alone you were with him. The butterflies started their flapping again, churning tides in your stomach.

Steve smiled “Okay, I promise it’ll be interesting though.” He chuckled.

You shrugged “I promise that it’s more interesting than what you had before.” You shoved your papers into your bag, standing quickly “If you want me to look at it again before you hand it in, just bring it to me in class, alright? The library’s closing so I should go.”

“You want a ride home?” you spun around to look at him, crossing your arms over your paint splattered sweatshirt. The rain storm of the morning was long forgotten and you didn’t know what the weather looked like now. A part of you wanted to take the ride, but a much bigger part of you told you to run away.

You shook your head “No, um my friend Samantha said she’d drive me after her soccer practise, she’s probably waiting for me.” You lied straight through your teeth, adjusting your backpack straps on your shoulders.

“Oh…sure, yeah, I’ll see you around.” Steve stood slowly, tucking in his chair. You waved politely and headed out. The rain had stopped, thank god, and you rushed to your locker, grabbing your wet clothes from your locker before making your way outside. The field was muddy, practise was probably cancelled. You took the long way home that afternoon, cutting through the woods and the muddy park to avoid being spotted by Harrington on the way and getting caught in a lie.

The afternoon had gone well. And that scared the shit out of you.

[adamrevi3ws]

Jedi: Fallen Order

When I finished playing DOOM, I told myself that the next game I would play wouldn’t be one that pissed me off. Unfortunately, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order did not live up to those expectations.

While the source of my frustration with DOOM was mainly growing pains with its intense gameplay and action, Fallen Order mainly drew ire from me due to its unfinished and unpolished nature. Its publisher, EA, is in the same club as Ubisoft, Bethesda, and apparently now CD Projekt Red, often releasing games as broken glitchy messes when they first come out to meet quick deadlines. I’ve seen and heard how unplayable this game was at launch, and while it isn’t as bad as it was then, it still has enough subtle mistakes to ruin my gameplay experience. The main source of this and my frustration, in general, was the extremely finicky and unresponsive controls, particularly found in its two main selling points: platforming (and plot but I’ll talk about that later) directly lifted, if not plagiarized from the Uncharted games, and Dark Souls-esque combat gameplay. Nothing really lines up or “clicks” when it really needs to. Regarding the platforming, it feels like it takes a miracle to properly grab onto something and takes a thousand tries for a jump to work. When the double jump gets introduced, it really only works when the game, in its divine ignorance, feels the whim to let it work. A lot of reviewers complained about the difficult and unwieldy ice slide sequences in the game, and while I had my fair share of annoyance on a very specific ice slide, I think it’s just a symptom of a much larger problem. The combat shares this similar “the game only works when it wants to” problem. You don’t always dodge or block right when you want it to, but I think its biggest problem is healing. Instead of pressing a button and having part of your health restored, pressing said button instead “calls” your robot companion, which needs to do a special little animation and THEN you get healed, which takes a long 15 seconds. Not only does this waste a good amount of time in a game where time is absurdly precious in its hardcore combat, but every other time I tried calling the damn robot it straight up ignored me. I don’t know if this is a glitch, or it needs a cooldown period, or you can’t heal while being hit by an enemy, but it made the fights a lot more unnecessarily grating than they already are. Speaking of straight up screw you moments from the game, whenever I hit the “target” button in close combat with multiple enemies, it’d always target the farthest away enemy, for no reason. All of this is a shame because these main gameplay components are actually quite fun when they aren’t broken? A lot of the level design allows for really fast and exhilarating platforming that is absurdly fun when it syncs up, but that’s only, like half of the time. The combat can be enjoyable too, allowing for some great lightsaber duel boss fights, which can feel pretty cinematic when the combat actually works.

Outside of gameplay, the game’s unfinished nature shows itself a lot in its cutscenes. Its graphics just straight up dip and fail to fully render for 90% of these moments, often also feeling extremely choppy and cutting off a bit too soon. There was even one time an enemy was supposed to show up in a cutscene to initiate a boss fight but they just weren’t there and it was quite confusing because it felt like the main character was speaking to an empty wall. Around the middle of the game, both cutscenes and gameplay sequences would just freeze, and this is probably the first game I’ve played in a while to straight up crash on my PS4. If the developers took an extra, idk six months to actually fix this game a bit more I’d rate it a lot higher than I am now. I was actually warned about the game’s poor performance before playing, with a friend mentioning its horrible load times, but I didn’t know it’d be this bad. As my unopened copy of the infamous Cyberpunk 2077 waits on my mantlepiece for the developers to actually make it a playable game months after its release, I fear it may have the same fate as Fallen Order, still being quite a bit buggy and annoying over a year after its messy launch.

With its buggy and incohesive gameplay in mind, Jedi: Fallen Order’s strongest element is its plot. To my surprise, this is much less of a Star Wars game and more a game that just happens to be set in the Star Wars universe. Taking place between episodes 3 and 4, I kind of expected it to be an epic quest detailing the rise of the rebel alliance, but instead, I got a more generic treasure hunt storyline heavily reminiscent of the Uncharted series. Although this sounds quite disappointing, the game’s plot still soars in its great character arcs and setpieces interspersed the vague framework of its less-than-original overall plot. Combine these great individual moments with an absolutely bombastic ending and it almost makes trudging through the glitchy gameplay worth it. This is elevated by some great voice acting performances, particularly from Cameron Monaghan, who gives a movie star performance to the main character, even in a lot of moments where he doesn’t have much to work with. The setting is also a high point. Disney’s milking of Star Wars has led to a variety of media set between episodes 3 and 4, this game feels particularly special because it is more focused on the aftermath of Episode 3 rather than the buildup to Episode 4, which I think the rest of the media in this era is focused on. It’s clear that there are so many parts of the game that the studio put a lot of love in, ranging from the plot, to the memorable soundtrack (Mongolian throat singing, anyone?), to even the hilarious enemy dialogue, I just wish they put this amount of effort to make the game fully playable.

The one elephant in the room regarding this game that I haven’t mentioned so far is the game’s worlds/levels themselves. They aren’t annoyingly unpolished like the gameplay but aren’t really a labor of love either. Instead what we get is an admittedly gorgeous maze of areas within a few planets, constantly getting more twisty and confusing as you go on. It may visually resemble an open world, but it is very much a series of paths that make you go “hmmmm, should I go back to that other branching path to see if there are any healing upgrades or character customization options I can collect?” There’s nothing wrong about this MetroidVania style format, but frankly it’s not my type. A lot of the areas look visually similar so it’s quite easy to get lost, and despite each planet’s map being absurdly big, there’s no way to actually fast travel between areas, just between planets. Finally, the incentive to go back and explore isn’t particularly convincing, where the healing upgrades are a bit too well concealed and the character customization options are like, absurdly mid. This is the one time I actually wished an EA game had its own in-game currency so I could buy something cooler than “the same damn poncho you’re wearing except a slightly less boring color combination.” Come on, man! The one good thing I’ll say about the overall game world is that the in-game map highlights which paths you haven’t explored yet, making it much easier to get on track. While the game’s maze-like level style isn’t necessarily my thing, I think if the developers tried to make it a bit more interesting a lot of people would get a kick out of it.

Jedi: Fallen Order is a game that finally made me understand my college professors that went a bit too hard on my grammar mistakes when grading papers. The central content and ideas this game presents have a lot of potential, but they’re heavily weighed down by an infinite number of fixable mistakes. I give this game a 6.7 out of 10 stars.

[thedragonslibrary]

Is it possible to be blocked like magick or energy wise? I do not know how to put it in words but sometimes I feel like there is something that i should connect to or should be able to do but I am not. Maybe I am not idk well practiced enough but it sometimes feels like I am running against a glass wall. Maybe I Idk man. I am just really frustrated. I cant really give examples just everytime I do something magick related it feels like running against a wall and it makes me wanna cry. Sorry

Yes, of course it’s possible to be blocked!  

To clarify, your first statement about feeling as though you should be able to “connect” to something is a common beginner issue.  It may simply be that you haven’t found the thing you’re supposed to connect to yet - whether that’s opening your third eye and being able to talk to your guides, finding the deity and/or pantheon you connect most to in a religious manner, or simply opening your psychic awareness fully enough to feel the energies around you.  The best advice I can give is to experiment.  Try everything, and don’t hold yourself back!  

When I was a beginner witch, I tried everything from Wicca to demonolatry to Christian witchery, from reiki to hexing and cursing, from psychopomp work and shadow work and light work and everything you can imagine.  If you can think of it, I probably tried it in some way.  Only by putting yourself out there in as many avenues and paths as you possibly can, will you find what works for you.  If something doesn’t work, doesn’t fit or “feel right,” put it away and move on.  Read everything you can - on Tumblr, in books, in every single resource you can find.  It took me probably five or six years of exploration to figure out what generally “worked” for me, and I still feel like I’m learning and discovering new outlets for my magical expression.

An extra “something” is not for everyone.  Often in magical practices, you are the source of your own power.  Sure, crystals and herbs and grounding and gods help, but ultimately the magic is coming from you.  You might not necessarily need an extra “thing.”  Let your magic be intuitive, don’t let books or Tumblr bloggers tell you how to do your thing step-by-step.  Take spells or rituals and modify them to fit your needs - that is how they’ll be most powerful and useful for you.

But back to the topic of blockages, if you have already had magical abilities previously: I have gone through blockages myself, and they are exactly what you described here: frustrating, like hitting a wall.  Sometimes it feels as though all your “power” has been taken away, and you’re left without your previous magical agency.  You might have the thought that perhaps you were just making everything up all along, that maybe you’ve been deluding yourself.  Trust me, you didn’t, and things will get better!  

In my experience, there are two general types of blocks you can have.  I’ll outline them for you and how they can be worked through.  

The first is a bit simpler, and is more like an art block.  Lots of magic-users go through periods of this softer, mental blockage at some point or another on their path.  It can be sometimes referred to as a Fallow Period, which comes from a similar phrase in farming used to refer to when a partition of soil is meant to rest for a season or two to regain its fertility.  

A Fallow Period can arise from burnout, especially from outside sources creating stress in your life.  

Magic, especially psychic and spirit work, is infinitely more difficult when you are stressed, going through a rough mental health period, or when you are physically ill.  

Fallow Periods can also be caused through divine intervention - your spirit guides or deities may have decided that you need to take a break to focus on real life, or to focus on taking care of yourself for a little while.

Blockages of this nature eventually right themselves, but it can take time - it can last anywhere from a few months to over a year.

The best thing to do when you’re experiencing a fallow period like this is to not force it.  You are only going to frustrate yourself if you continue to attempt to perform magically and have little to no results.  Additionally, you’re going to create a deadly cycle of feeling disappointed in yourself, and eventually burn out so hard you won’t want to do magic at all anymore.

Instead, take some time to create: write poetry, draw, or paint.  Write devotional poetry.  If you want to do magical work, work on your grimoire or book of shadows.  Focus on practical magic you can do with your hands - cooking, creating items with intent, cleansing and clearing your home.

Take time to meditate and perform self-care.  Perform practical, easy meditations like the simple, free ones in the Headspace app, or find guided meditations for free on YouTube that bring you into fun, brightly colored astral spaces.  Take baths and imagine all of your troubles washing away down the drain when you’re finished.  Give yourself room to heal and just feel good about yourself.

When you feel ready to move out of your Fallow Period, it will come very naturally.  Like an urge to pick up a witchcraft book or to astral travel suddenly.  Don’t worry about easing back into it - while taking it slow might be good for some, it’s not for everyone.  If you’re really excited to get back into magic, and you’re being urged to do it right now, go ahead and do it!

The other type of blockage is a physical, energetic blockage.  These are usually sudden-onset conditions.  If one day you are performing just fine magically, and the next you wake up and you can’t feel any of your sixth senses, and you are not physically sick or particularly more stressed out than normal, you probably have a physical energetic blockage.

Ensure first that it’s an energetic blockage.  Perform a reading on yourself, check your energy centers, figure out how you’re feeling physically.  Meditation goes a long way here, as well as visualizing your energy moving through your body.  Does it seem to stop anywhere?  Likewise, do you feel extremely hopeless and drained energetically for no discernible, tangible reason (i.e. depression or a recent traumatic experience)?  Can you not even muster up the motivation to check yourself?  Then you probably have an energetic blockage.

Find an energy healer in physical proximity to you.  Trust me when I say that it is not enough to go to the local Hand & Stone and ask for a reiki massage (I have tried this for you already, and please believe me when I say it’s not going to solve your problems).  Distance healings do work and are worth it, but in my personal experience physical healings tend to be much more powerful when it comes to dismantling blockages in this way.

Ask around at your local metaphysical stores.  Find someone who is a reiki master or another type of energy healer, who has great reviews outside of what’s posted on their website and who has a great deal of experience.  Ask them if they have unedited testimonials anywhere they can share with you (such as Google reviews).  

Ask what their process is, ask to see their healing space, ask them what physical tools they use in their session.  Ask them if they’d be willing to charge a small fee for them to examine you and figure out what’s going on (don’t expect them to do something like that for free).  Remember that they should never suggest that they can heal physical ailments or claim that their services replace allopathic medicine - they should only focus on your energetic issues.  

Explain to them that you feel blocked energetically and that this is exactly what you are looking to be treated for - psychics and healers are not mind readers, and they cannot help you if they’re not told what they need to fix.  

Pay attention to your gut and what feels right.  Even in a blocked state, you always have decent access to your intuition.

I won’t lie, you will likely need to shell out a good amount of money for this.  A good healer worth their salt most likely won’t charge you less than $60 for an hour session.

If you don’t feel some kind of energetic release during your healing session, mention that to your healer.  Since you’ve already told them about your issue, they may be able to give advice as to why you didn’t feel any specific change, as everyone’s process is different and the healer you’ve chosen to work with is going to have the best understanding over the situation, after you.  Again, pay attention to your gut.  Give the healing a couple of days to set in, and make sure to drink plenty of water and pay attention to how you feel.

When I personally dealt with my own physical energy blockage, when it was finally healed it felt like a dam breaking and all of my energy flowing back into my body.  It felt like I had had one of my senses shut off, and for the switch to finally be turned back on.  Not everyone is going to feel this way, but if you’ve been blocked for a particularly long time, it may feel very strong and overwhelming to have yourself be un-blocked.

Whatever your situation is, I hope this post was helpful!  Good luck on finding your solution!

[theslythertrash]

So whenever I see superheroes I always freak out over small impractical costume things but I have never been angrier at show’s costumes than at bnha and this has been on my chest for several months now and it’s midnight and I’m half asleep so it’s the perfect time to write an essay about it on Tumblr. 

Here are my ranking for the bnha costumes for all of 1-A:

I’m fully prepared to be slammed for this. (Also I’m supposed to be an artist so if I ever find some free time I’ll actually draw my babies some proper costumes.)

Midoriya’s is 9.5/10.  It has an aesthetic, good color scheme and it compliments his quirk with iron soles and leg/arm enforcements. Has a nice belt, a mask for gas (hopefully) and facial protection. The only stupid thing is his bunny ears mask but it looks good when it’s down like a hood. My only correction would be to make his mask an actual hood. 

Bakugo is 8/10 Kacchan also has an aesthetic. His mask is a little ridiculous but I’m fond of it. He also has practical shoes and stuff. HIS GAUNTLET IS SO STUPID. HAS THE MANGA ARTIST EVER WORN LARGE BRACELETS? DOES HE KNOW HOW ANNOYING THEY ARE? YOU CANT WRITE. OR SCRATCH YOUR HAND. OR REACH INTO TIGHT SPACES. I know they’re for storing sweat but sweat is a liquid and if people can invent Aizawa’s magic scarf they can invent smaller gauntlets. Jesus. But his winter costume makes them smaller I think (idk I don’t read the manga but I’ve seen fanart) so 8/10.

Uraraka is 5/10  Uraraka has a cool aesthetic. I enjoy the space theme and colors. A helmet is good since she’s flying around (though I don’t understand why it doesn’t cover her entire head? Protect the back of your head! Also her mouth- that should help against gas and things but I also know she vomits a lot so it’s probably better without one). 

However, she’s sexualized too. Even outside of it being skin tight, she has a camel toe? Literally no one mentions it ever and it drives me crazyyyy. Look at her- why does she have that line there? Why? And why is her belt so bulky. How is she supposed to squeeze into tight spaces? AND ONCE AGAIN UNNECESSARY LARGE BRACELETS OH MY GOD. The manga explains her bulky heels and bracelets are to help with nausea but I refuse to believe they can’t invent smaller ones. And also boots without heels. Who is gonna run over debris on heels? 5/10

Iida is 7/10 He is too bulky. Why are they all so bulky.  He looks like when he walks down the street he clanks as he walks. Way to be stealthy dude, smh. 

Todoroki is fine I guess. Little boring but it’s passable. I wish it had more stuff for his quirk. Like maybe thermal fabric so he can cool down faster? Idk. 7.5/10

Tsuyu is a much bigger improvement over Uraraka. She’s got big ass bracelets again but they look like soft fabric so it’s probably easy to ignore. Her outfit has a wet suit aesthetic so that’s practical. Her goggles look a little bulky again but they are practical.  WHY IS SHE IN HEELS.  8/10

Mineta looks like he has a diaper kink and it’s not even there to help his quirk. -10/10

Kirishima. Baby. Put on a shirt. Also what the fuck are those gears. Why are you wearing bulky shit that’s unrelated to your quirk? How are you gonna lie down comfortably when you have large ass rings on your shoulders.  Why are you wearing a muzzle thing? How is that related to your quirk? If your gonna put something on your face wear something to protect your mouth from dust and gas.  His bottom half is fine ig. I’ve got mixed feels on his cape/skirt thing but at least it’s an aesthetic.  6/10

Don’t get me started on Yaoyorozu. God Almighty. Even outside of the perversion, why does she have a whole ass bookshelf on her butt instead of an iPad for easy access? And not only is it AN ENTIRE BOOKSHELF, its HORIZONTAL. Why do you have a horizontal ass shelf when it can be vertical at the very least? She needs tech with Siri so she can ask what chemicals are in stuff into an earpiece. And also some pants. And a bra.  -10/10

Idk what Tokoyami is doing. Being edgy I guess.  6/10 it’s fine.

Kaminari is fine I guess? He’s got the same problem as Tokoyami and Todoroki where it’s just an outfit and doesn’t actually help his quirk in any way.  He could include metal bits on his gloves so punches have an extra shock to them. Or maybe a rubber helmet or something to protect his brain from his own shocks...would that work? I’m not a scientist. Maybe carry around extra shock-resistant fabric in a belt or something so he can protect bystanders before releasing a full attack.  I REALLY like his added equipment for long-range attacks and I think he could go further with the idea- maybe add cords in the style of bows and arrows?  Basically very boring but fine ig. 7.5/10 (solely adding the .5 for his new equipment)

Aoyama looks like he has the same bulky and loud problem as Iida but it’s toned down and I’m low key very amused by it so it’s fine. 9/10 for my flamboyant boy.

Jirou looks like she is going to the mall. She has no aesthetic and looks super boring. I like that her outfit actually helps her quirk with her speaker boots but she should carry around some weapons too. And wear a padded suit for hits. Actually they all should have padding. Goggles and mask would be helpful too.  It’s fine I guess. Boring. 6.5/10

Okay, I’ve seen a lot of people complain that Ashido’s is really ugly. I’m actually amused by it so I don’t mind too much. The fur is ridiculous and the colors are loud but they are as loud as her personality so at least it has an aesthetic.  I’m more bothered that it’s impractical. It doesn’t help with her quirk. She should have gauntlets similar to Kacchan’s so she can store acid (don’t make them bulky though, please). Padding too. Her shoes can have an extra retractable surface for gliding on acid. It would also probably be helpful to carry around a similar blanket to the hypothetical one Kaminari would have so she can shield civilians from her acid.  It’s fine ig. At least she’s not sexualized. 7/10

Shoji looks like he has multiple nipples.  At least it’s kinda practical tho.  6/10

Ojiro looks like he was on his way from karate class when a cat died on his shoulder.  Once again he’s boring and doesn’t have anything interesting to compliment his quirk. He’s a good fighter so maybe he can also carry around a staff or nunchucks or something. He should pad his tail so the hits are extra hard.  Boring but passable if he removes the stupid fur. It looks like it’ll tickle his cheek when he runs.7/10

I actually really like Sero’s. It fits his aesthetics and is practical. His helmet and shoulders could be a tad less bulky but whatever. It would be cool if he had like suction cups on his shoes or something to make it easier to stick to walls but I imagine that would be hard to walk in so it’s fine.  8.5/10

Tooru is naked.  She has no costume.  She’s 15- that’s so gross. Also she’s probably constantly cold and extremely vulnerable. I can’t imagine all the scraps she gets just from running around. And her sensitive parts are exposed to disease- she’s going to get a yeast infection. And not to be gross on main or whatever but what does she do when she’s on her period? ALSO, how can she feel comfortable running around without a bra?  If Mirio can have a costume made of his hair so can Tooru. 0/10

Sato looks like a banana.  Very boring with no aesthetic but at least he has pockets to carry sugar in so that’s practical. Some padding would be nice.  6/10 boring

Why the fuck is Koda in shorts. He’s gonna get scraps on his knees. What is that ugly ass symbol on his chest? At least he’s practical with his mask to hide when he’s talking to animals. Personally, I think it’s ugly but at least it’s useful 6/10

Woo I'm done. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk/ midnight essay.  Winners: Deku, Kacchan, Sero, maybe Tsuyu. Maybe Aoyama.  Absolute losers: Mineta, Momo, Tooru, Uraraka.  Everyone else is varying levels of average

Also, I know I said I would only do 1-A but I have a special little place of hate in my heart for Aizawa’s costume so here’s my rant on him too:

JESUS CHRIST MAN CUT YOUR FUCKING HAIR YOU DINGUS. I know you're trying to have a hoboTM aesthetic and you have stubble and blah blah blah- I get it. We got it. (I lowkey think you’re hot) you wanna have dramatic hair. Noted.  But you're entire personality is about being practical and not wanting attention. That’s why you disliked All Might. Set an example for your kids PLEASE.  Why are you even bothering with goggles to hide when you blink WHEN YOUR HAIR IS A BIGGER TELL. I PROMISE I’M MORE LIKELY TO NOTICE YOUR HAIR DROP THAN YOUR EYES BLINKING YOU DUMB DUMB IDIOT. 

Either cut it, put it in a bun (best option imo) or get a hood. 

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Some vulnerability for your Sunday morning

After a long chat with @runner-vs-theworld yesterday about how I am struggling�� right now I feel like it’s inauthentic not to talk about it more here. Idk part of me knows this is my space and I can post (or not) whatever I want, but I also know that I get a decent amount of messages from people saying they respect my openness or that I inspire them etc. and because of that it’s important to me to feel like I’m being honest. Also, I like to have this stuff for my own purposes to look back on.

Basically, last fall when I had my stress fracture I was in the best mental health mindset I had been in YEARS. I was doing zero in the way of exercise, literally not even walking because I was on crutches. I was going out to brunch every weekend, drinking beer with friends, eating cheese fries! doing things that used to cause so much anxiety and yeah there were times I felt freaked out but on the whole I felt good. I felt happy. I found myself in a relationship and half joked that if I had never gotten hurt that wouldn’t have happened and honestly I believe that is 100% true.

I set out to eat enough and get my period back and I did. I was so proud of myself and couldn’t wait to get back to running and training but doing it in a way that meant I was taking care of myself. 

Ever since I’ve been ~healthy~ and allowed to workout again I have basically spiraled further and further down the crazy train. In the fall when I was eating more and moving less my body didn’t change (aside from maybe losing some muscle but I didn’t gain weight). At the time it was mind blowing, the idea that I could chill the fuck out, stop micromanaging, and nothing would change (I realize that it isn’t good to be afraid of that in the first place but let’s save that for another day). I realized that if eating more while doing less didn’t change my body then I DEFINITELY needed to eat a LOT more once I could workout again.

PLUS. I got a DEXA scan when I found out about the fracture and it showed osteopenia in the lumbar spine which is literally entirely a result of inadequate nutrition so I had actual scientific evidence to support me.

When I first got back to school in January and was able to walk around campus and workout a tiny bit I was on top of my shit and making a conscious effort to eat more and somewhere along the way I just..stopped.

Flash forward to this summer and I’ve been eating less than when I was injured, ramping up the running, going on long ass walks because of anxiety, doing 300 other gym things, not sleeping more than 5 hours a night, etc.

To put it simply, I’ve felt like a fucking mess. 

When I ran my 10k last week I was so excited to be back out there pushing myself but a bigger part of me was terrified that at any moment my bones could break or something bad could happen because I KNOW I haven’t been taking care of myself. I KNOW something needs to change or I will get hurt again.

I think it’s easy to brush off little actions here and there that aren’t ~good~ with the idea that “I’ll do better tomorrow.” But guess what? It all adds up. You can fix your head and move on from this shit and feel better but the physical damage you’re doing? Eventually you’re going to hit the point of no return and screw yourself over for the future. When I got my stress fracture I was so pissed at my 16 year old self for not eating enough because it was the actions of 6 years ago (and now obviously) that contributed to that. And it is my actions today that are going to fuck me over in the future even if right now the consequences don’t feel “real.”

((this is a long ass post))

So anyway- on Friday, the day after my race, I called my mom freaking the fuck out because I felt anxious about taking an unplanned rest day but all I wanted was to rest, yet at the same time I felt like I might as well just go run so I would stop feeling anxious about it, etc. This has essentially been my approach to exercise for the past month. I have a plan and if I want to deviate from it, to do what ACTUALLY sounds good I end up stressing the fuck out and just going back to the plan because then I’ll “be less anxious” but actually I feel more anxious because shouldn’t I be moving in the way that I want to and the way that feels good???

So long story short (not really) my mom was like you need a break and now I’m taking a week off from formal exercise which if you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking “danielle! you’re a crazy person! that’s not enough!” but something is better than nothing ok. 

Also, to go back to food, I have 100% not been eating enough and sometimes that’s intentional in the sense that I feel hungry but choose to ignore it because ~anxiety~ but a lot of the time I just don’t feel compelled to eat that extra snack, etc. etc. because I’ve just trained myself to be that way (not good). Basically what I’m trying to say is that I never set out with a goal to under eat, but as a result of my fucked up brain lately it has just been happening. And I think the under eating coupled with the compulsive exercise has just led my brain to crazy town.

So where are we now? Taking a break. I want to run because I genuinely do love running but right now everything feels forced. I want to run a half in the fall and a full in the spring and not be injured and train because I love it, but right now I am not doing myself any favors. 

And eating more. According to the people closest to me I’ve lost weight in the past two months (unintentionally) and I have a gut feeling that even though I totally do not see myself accurately, my body is probably not where it should be. I need to take care of it. And that feels hard and everything feels tricky but I just have to keep pushing forward.

I’ve felt paralyzed with where to begin because there are so many different things to work on and I want to do it perfectly and solve everything and and and. But you reach a point where you just need to fricken start. So here I am, starting.

I know I’ll probably get comments or messages being like are you seeing a therapist/dietician/trying medication/etc. and while I appreciate the concern I have considered all of those things and am doing the things that I think are best rn. (however if you have just general advice or ideas I’ll gladly take it).

I feel like this makes it sound like I’m in a real bad spot and let me tell ya it’s not great but I’m okay. I’m really self aware and I know what I need to do and I’m working on it. There’s a lot of good in my life right now and a lot of reasons to be happy and I’m so grateful. But I wanted to acknowledge the struggles as well. So here they are.

If you read this whole thing damn you rock

[absoloutenonsense]

✏️Fics in Review

I was tagged by @a-brighter-yellow to do a review of my fics on AO3 - thank you, darling! 

Fandoms: Currently, just One Direction. (I guess slightly also Little Mix, they appear in passing in a couple of my fics)

Tropes: friends-to-loves, enemies-to-lovers, strangers-to-lovers, established relationship, angst, mutual pining, alternative universe

Number of Fics: 5

Fic I spent the most time on: thinking about the t-shirt you sleep in (~5 months)

Fic I spent the least time on: Surfing the Crowd to You (<2 weeks, I think - I’d started it just a couple of days after I went to a music festival and then posted it without telling anyone lmao)

Longest Fic: Nothing But You On My Mind (83,724 words) 

Shortest Fic: Play Me Something Sweet (7,625 words)

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks:

Most Hits/Kudos/Bookmarks all belong to thinking about the t-shirt you sleep in. Most comment threads belongs to Nothing But You On My Mind. 

Total word count: 166,155 

Favorite fic I wrote: Mine also changes all the time. It’s usually whatever I’ve just published though, because I’ve been hyper-focused on whatever it is. I busted out a lot of words in a short period of time (I cranked out 20k in a weekend towards the end and was truly exhausted) and worked really really hard on NBYOMM so I’ll go with that one. 

Fic I want to rewrite/expand: I’ve got an epilogue in the words for NBYOMM, and I’ve also got a sort of extensions or maybe sequel (idk???) for tattysi. Unfortunately, I’ve only been inspired by short little bois or drabbles lately, so both of those will probably take A While longer. 

Share a bit of a WIP or story I’m planning:

I haven’t really talked about it a ton, other than a bunch of tags, but I’m working on a Hades and Persephone AU. It’s actually the first fic I started writing for this fandom, and I’ve been working on it for... omg a year tomorrow (I started April 27th, 2019, so says my Google Doc that’s wild hello). I don’t have a summary or anything for it, since I’m still figuring it out (Jo’s called it my passion project and she’s not wrong). 

But, the essentials: Hades Harry, Persephone Louis who works in a flower shop and hopes to be a botonist when he graduates Uni, Liam, Niall and Zayn as The Fates. Alternating perspectives between Louis and Harry. Lots of flash backs. Lots of flash-visions into alternative presents. Lots of Harry in really nice fancy suits and Louis drooling over him in them. Much angst and many sexual tension. Fun Fact: I have a tattoo of a peony now because of how much time I spent looking at and researching them for this story.  

Anyone that wants to, please do this!! I love going through all the extra information AO3 provides, and I’m always curious about other people’s fic breakdowns. Please @ me that I tagged you so I can read and reblog! <3 

[changji]

Here we go I’m finally continuing our convo from like,, last week LOL but anyway 4-5k for an apartment I’m HOLLERING (yes i did it so you’d laugh) I’ve never lived in an apartment before but I’m pretty sure that’s really expensive for one sksks. Also personal chromebooks? My school literally can’t relate we share them with the rest of the students in the school. Tbh I don’t remember much from twilight so I’ll agree w you so that we don’t fight 🥺🥺

I normally go ham when I’m in a pool,, like I’ll start off w my hair up bc I don’t wanna get it wet but when I leave the pool everywhere is soaked. I haven’t played chicken in years?? Oml last time I played I was on my cousins shoulders and I was Puny. Haha most ppl are like “it can’t be that cold here right” and I’m “oh no it gets COLD” which I hate (but it’s colder in the territories so I’m thankful for where I’m at)

I’d rather it be hotter than colder bc at least there’s ac. I mean there’s heat but at least I can still walk outside without snow and ice everywhere. Don’t even get me started on freezing rain and winter tires and shovelling snow and OEUFIHD as you can see I hate the winter here. Tim hortons is so good I literally inhale iced capps 24/7. They’re pretty much blended frozen coffee but it tastes a lot better than it sounds!! I like to think of it as the Canadian pride and joy

I’ve actually never had timmies canned coffee… i’ve had the keurig pods things but they don’t taste as good as getting them from an actual timmies. But hey you never know maybe we will drink from ice bergs one day LOL. I’ll never back out from being your soulmate we’re literally meant To Be 😤😤 iced blonde vanilla lattes are so Good I’d probably inhale them as much as I do with iced capps if they weren’t so expensive

I didn’t even know that milk was a good portion of the drink,, when I saw a starbucks barista fill my cup with 80% milk I was like “hold up what” Your smoothies must be really good if your family specifically wake you up so that you can make them some hhh baker arella? More like smoothie expert arella. i usually make smoothies with whatever works and is in my fridge, but mango will always have my heart

People who eat pancakes plain should be banned from the world that’s disgusting,, you’re literally eating cooked flour,,,,,, I actually haven’t had waffles in 4 years oopsFrench is a mandatory course in grade 9 where I live but then after that you can choose if you wanna continue it or not. ASL classes seem so cool, I would totally take it if it were an option here. German & Japanese seem so hard; I look at the words and here ppl speaking it and I’m like ??? woah okay what’s happening

I’m terrible at English too, but then again I suck at every language? Is that even possible?? Jisung’s literally talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular skskdkf I am a Chan stan but Jisung wrecks me SO hard I can’t with this man. Pls don’t hurt my head too much with the fic I only have one braincell left bit ilyt 🥺 now I wanna try peet’s but I’m probably not going to the US for a hot minute 😔😔

(AJSDHJF I HIT THE LIMIT OF ASKS IM CRYINF) I saw what happened with ur Jisung drawing and I feel your frustration?? I was drawing a photo for an English presentation on photoshop and instead of closing my reference photo tab I closed the drawing (and i didn’t save it beforehand) so I lost the entire thing. Just thinking about it again makes me So Mad like,, how dumb can I be I literally can’t believe I did that!!

School sucks the life outta me I’m dreading going back and school starts in a little over a month? Fav vampire fic PLS I’m honoured. We fr out here as coffee soulmates look at us go 🤧👊

-

it’s so expensive like. whomst. I LOVE IT WHEN PPL SAY HOLLERING ITS SO FUNNY (ur so cute ily). living in an apartment is just Constant Stress esp bc i always accidentally slam a door open and make a hole in the wall and we have to pay but like i never learn LOL. the chrome books suck tho 😪 i would never fight w u LOL but i love twilight hhhh

today i just learned what “go ham” means like. i never knew. idk if i’m uncultured or ur weird (BUT ACCORDING TO CHAN WEIRS IS GOOD AND HES RIGHT.) i hate swimming sksks i burn easily and im Not here for it. i see why u would prefer the heat esp w snow, but i don’t have snow so i like winter LOL. i feel like i would die if i had to shovel snow like. i tried gardening and i gave up in .2 seconds. it was tough.

ooh an ice capp is like a frappuccino? i used to love them but they became too sweet. i believe in lattes and lattes only. keurig never tastes as good as the OG, i’ve had starbucks, dunkins, and peet’s keurig cups but it’ll never live up 😪 u r my soulmate and i snatched u, u can’t leave even if u wanted. period. LATTES ARE EXPENSIVE like. i pay $6.70 or smth like that bc of the vanilla flavoring and the extra shots. makes me wanna yeet myself off a bridge but there aren’t lattes in hell.

RIGHT omg the first time i saw them make it i was like. where r u giving me a cup of MILK but it tastes good so it’s okay. my stomach has not been cooperating and hurts whenever i get normal milk so i have to ask for almond and pay an extra 25 cents. like damn i $7 for a cup of coffee. but it’s okay it’s still good 🤧

& SMOOTHIE MASTER ARELLA HHHH my family is also Lazy like. it’s not hard to make a smoothie u FOOLS but i mean ig. they’ll just be hoes and force me to make them 😤 but it’s fine bc when i make the smoothies i’m let off of washing dishes 🤪

if u eat a pancake plain ur wrong on so many levels. it’s so painful to see. like. WHY. and cooked flour,,,, ada ur so funny omg waffles are so good like. it’s crispy but pancakes get soggy and it’s Gross. not here for it

i suck @ all languages too like grammar who? i only know keyboard smashes and incoherent screams. jisung is amazing and i love him w my whole soul. he’s such a good wrecker like whY are u so perfect?? i was bin biased but jisung came and made me double biased 🤧 i’m unloyal.

i don’t believe in no brain cells i believe in broken hearts and that’s what this fic is going for. angst angst and angst. i’ll send u peet’s and u send me tim hortons i look forward to gross and melted coffee 🤪

WLSKKSSK TUMBLR RLY OUT HERE UR SO CUTE AHHH i screamed for a good 5 minutes. i’m still upset. like. why did i do this to myself arella u big dumb. omg and did u save urself for the presentation? it’s worse for u bc like. it’s for school 😔 we can be dumb hoes together it’s okay

OVER A MONTH WHEN DO U START i have 2 weeks and a half. 3 weeks? i start on a thursday which is weird but Go Off. i’m gonna drop a class i’m not up for 7 classes esp w an AP and 3 honors 🤧 why did i take those classes i’m actually an idiot hhhhh

i stan ada and ada only (jk binsung but yk what they don’t count) stan TALENT my coffee soulmate ily

[saidbyes-blog]

( FRIEND OF GRANT'S ) ebony harrison ( 24 / she/they ): demigirl & friends who seemingly clicked despite emotional distance, and acquaintance of mallory's. ( nina nesbitt ) ( PACE / 20+ / SHE/HER )

hello ! so, i’m typing this up straight after acceptance ( lmao, talk about eager ) so hopefully anything i inevitably forget, i can add between now and when this’ll actually be posted, so you actually have some decent info to work with ! but i’m pace ( which is obviously an alias but,,,, pls just call me pace ! ) and my pronouns are she/her ! and moving on to the one you actually wanna know about... 

—– ❀ okay, so !! as you can see above, ebony is a friend of grant’s ! on the surface, they seem to just ‘get’ eachother, but of course ebony is completely oblivious to who he really is and what he’s capable of. however, because ebony isn’t the most open and uhh,,, Not-Closed-Off as people, it kind of works ? in a,,,, neither of them ask too many questions kind of way ? it’s mutual, y’know ?she kind of sees him as a guy who’s Not Like The Other Guys ( while lowkey a voice in the back of her head is like ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THE OTHER GUYS ) and they just seem to Understand eachother. but ebony can be a sceptical little fuck, and she’s generally just Wary in general sometimes, but she also wants to believe that some people are good and their intentions are as they seem and it’s Pure. even if she EVER got creepy vibes from grant, she’d either be like CREEP EVIL NASTY BYE SEE YA or convince herself she’s making it up because of relationships with people in the past. but ofc, the worst part is that he’s never given her any reason to think grant is anything but just a nice, charming guy who’s maybe a little pretentious and quiet but that’s basically the worst thing about him, and if it were to happen now, she’s in too deep for it to be a red flag. yoikes. but we all know that to everyone else he just looks like a,,, Nice Guy. either way, he’s a friend, and their lack of actually being as close as they may seem isn’t that weird for her ( which i shall explain in a different bullet point bc this is long ! )

—– ❀ she isn’t a complete plum, and won’t turn a blind eye forever, but in the recent months/so far, she’s come to grant’s defence, thinking that anybody who’s pointed the finger at him is a) unoriginal and b) has clearly never met him. she thinks it’s cruel and unnecessary. like, her pov is that he lost his girlfriend, who told the story of what happened/was going to happen to her, and it’s as simple as that, in a ‘why would mallory write about that otherwise’ kind of way. she’s applying logic to it and i’m like oh,,, honey,,, you sweet summer child,,, plus, grant’s manipulative ass is looking all kinds of charming and innocent and whatever. HOWEVER, things slowly unfolding and eventually ebony beginning to question things ! yes pls ! internal conflict !

—– ❀ however, ebony also briefly vaguely knew mallory ! she attended a few of her yoga classes ages ago, and it’s a complete coincidence that ebony knew the both of them. if/when grant ever mentioned mallory to ebony, the name wouldn’t have clicked, and since she never met her outside of the classes, it took her a while to click why mallory looked so familiar when everything blew up after her death. it kind of weirds her out that someone she knew was murdered, and that it never clicked that Grant’s Girlfriend was the one who taught those yoga classes, but it’s just a complete coincidence ! 

—– ❀ TW FOR ABUSE MENTION: ebony hasn’t read the book, and doesn’t plan on it. she might one day if she’s feeling impulsive and self destructive, but because of the subject matter, she’s avoiding it. it had nothing to do with being grant’s friend ( even though most people would probably question if it’s the Moral and Ethical thing to do, that doesn’t even cross her mind -- she’s not the most moral of people tbh ) and has more to do with the fact that she’s been in an abusive relationship in the past, herself, and she’s just like............nope. ( / end of tw ! )

—– ❀ she didn’t grow up in new york, and has only called it home for for a few years. but she also travels a lot, and is very flaky, and can disappear for periods of time just to show up announced a few weeks later. it’s not weird for her to drop off the grid for a bit ( sounds safe, ebs ) and it’s not weird for her to ditch social circles and local hangouts in general and just ghost, and she’s also lived in several different states across the country. she cannot commit to anything ever, including places. it’s actually odd that she’s been in new york for so long, but she loves the energy and the spirit of the city. and it’s massive so if she tires of a certain spot, she can drift elsewhere ! plus.........plot convenience. 

—– ❀ sometimes she might feel a little out of place tbh ! she’s not an academic and she definitely didn’t come from money, and doesn’t have an abundance of it now, either. she’s a bartender, as that’s always her job when i play her lmao, but i might give her another too but i’m still flipping back and forth so..... tbd !

—– ❀ TW FOR DEATH: a bit of background: she was born in california to amelia robinson & david harrison, a young couple who hadn’t been together all that long when they found out they were expecting, but were madly in love nonetheless. david was completely devoted to his daughter, but he sadly died when she was seven. after his death, some hard truths to swallow came out about him, and her already distraught mother was even more heartbroken. life was pretty rough after his death and her mother couldn’t really cope anymore and became someone that ebs ended up not really recognising, and she became kind of cruel. she’s since forgiven her mother for who she became and therefore how she then treated her daughter, but they’re not close. ebony left cali for a few years after turning seventeen, and when she returned at twenty, she found her father’s broken watch, which she sometimes still wears now. it looks out of place on her thin wrist, especially since the damn thing doesn’t work, but she likes it nonetheless and refuses to get it fixed. in ways like that, she can be,,, a little pretentious ( again, why her friendship with grant works ) and while we’re on the subject of that..... ( / tw ends ! )

—– ❀ her personality is a little messy. she can be very........difficult ? especially as a friend ? though she’s kind-hearted and forgiving and can be very gentle, she’s also temperamental and vague and selfish. she doesn’t mean to be selfish, but she just is. it’s,,, probably infuriating to some people ? as well as the fact that she’s very easily misunderstood due to being hard to understand. yet she also doesn’t like people making the effort to try and understand. yet also wants someone in her life who does understand her. like.........she wants something, but won’t let anybody make the steps to get the thing she wants ? like.............jfc, ebs. she also cannot deal with anything, and it’s not uncommon for somebody to think that everything is going fine and they’re getting on with her great, but then shit hits the fan and the real things happen and she’s like !!! bye !!! so, again, she’s a bit of a flight risk right now. bc like...... well, a murder’s a pretty big thing, my dudes. but also, in her mind, one of her friends is going through some Big Stuff what with his girlfriend being “murdered by her ex” so although most people would be like “gosh golly i should be there for him” there’s a part of ebony that’s like “cannot............deal...............want.......................to yeet.........” but because it’s his Trauma to deal with, it’s easier for her to stay. for example, if something happened between herself and grant that was mutual ( no matter what it was ) that caused angst, that’d be more of a reason for her to Yeet because it directly effects her ? if that at all makes sense ?

—– ❀ quick thing about gender and pronouns !! gender is messy and complicated ( to her ) and she accepted that long ago, but she identifies as a demigirl. her pronouns are she/her, HOWEVER she really appreciates when people use they/them when she hasn’t explicitly stated her pronouns to somebody. she just ,,, thinks it’s the respectful thing to do, but it also makes her feel Valid. she mostly identifies with the gender she was assigned at birth, and tends to present very femininely, but that doesn’t make her any less nb, y’know ? and she doesn’t like people,,, forgetting that she’s Not A Woman ? a lot of the time she’s worried people won’t see her as being nb and even her nb friends she’s sometimes convinced will just forget she’s Not A Woman ?? however, she’s okay with sometimes being referred to as a girl, but always on her own terms. like.......her mobile header literally says ‘sad girls club’ but like..... on her own terms, y’know ? so tldr: if we could pls refrain from referring to her as like ‘the woman’ or ‘the girl’ in threads, that’d be greatly appreciated !

—– ❀ some extras if you want to see/read more about the goblin: stats, playlist, pinterest, aesthetic, old drabbles*, old about/drabble. she doesn’t have a full bio, as the last one i wrote ended up being over 7k words and honestly.........who has the time

* if you click this one, please be aware that trigger warnings apply for abuse, as well as vague/tiny mentions of pregnancy.

extra connections !!! if u want !!!! idk !!!

—– ❀ friends from out of town ! if anybody is from anywhere else in the u.s outside of ny, or they spent a lot of time somewhere else, they totally could’ve known eachother a few years ago. bc ebony has lived in several different places, i can probably wiggle things around and make it work no matter what state they’ve lived in !

—– ❀ friends ! as you might’ve gathered from the rest of the intro, ebony can be a little Difficult, but she’s still kind at heart, and can be soft, and thoughtful ! so, friends that have no problem with her, friends who call her out on her bullshit, friends who she’s ditched in the past, friends she parties with, friends who have tried to Fix her, friends she trusts more than most, etc etc ! as the great sutton foster once said, anything goes !

—– ❀ fwb/hook-ups/flings/exes ! whether they’re things of the past or kind of ongoing, it’s pretty open ! ebony likes people of any and all genders, and ( not dissimilar to mallory, actually ! ) has no problems spreading her love around. which is basically the beating-around-the-bush way of saying she has a lot of sex with a lot of people, and i support her ( ... eh, when it’s healthy ) but one night stands, friends that have no problem keeping things causal, people she dated for a while, something that started casual but Feelings happened and it’s messy, all kinds of stuff is good to go !

—– ❀ people who were also in the yoga classes mallory taught at the time ! it would’ve been a while ago but if the Yoga Peoples would’ve been there back in the day too then perfect !

—– ❀ grant’s other friends ! people who met through grant ! we all have that friend we met through a mutual murderer, right ? or someone who eb met through grant and they can’t fucking stand eachother ? someone she met through grant but then shagged and now it’s awkward ? people who were actually friends with eachother first and one of them introduced grant to the other ? people who she only met at mallory’s funeral bc they were both there to support their murderous pal ? having the two of ‘em meet unrelated and then find out casually like oh shit u know my good bitch grant ? wild ! all kinds of shit !

—– ❀ roommates ! what are the realistic chances of a group of roomies all knowing either the gal who got murdered or her boyfriend ? slim as fuck but plot convenience !! maybe two or three roomies ? ny’s expensive and ebony isn’t a rich gal !

—– ❀ tbh though i also really love just.......... throwing the characters into a situation and seeing how things go, and having people meet for the first time and stuff, but i also love pre-plotted and intenser stuff, and messy/complicated plots work really well with eb ! i love all kinds of things, i’m down for w/e. while we’re on connections though, i tend to suck with plotting and i’m sometimes a little slow with ims, but i just want to make that Known so it’s not taken personally or anybody thinks i’m not interested anymore or anything ! i’m definitely replying, i promise !

okay so if you read all of this, you’re a saint and greatly appreciated ! apologies for the rambling ! feel free to drop by if you’d like to plot or anything like that ! ps. pls enjoy the fact that i scheduled this while watching the ted bundy thing on netflix, bc it tickled me. bit too fitting huh lads. 

[ihateeveryoneincludingmyself]

i don’t think anyone I know irl has my tumblr so I’m just gonna vent here.

so in May I met this girl on tinder, and we hit it off super fast and we talked nonstop it was honestly pretty overwhelming because I didn’t remember what it was like to have someone into me. she was trying to move very quickly and I’m very emotionally unavailable so I didn’t want to get into a relationship with her.

we remained friends. super good friends. she even considered me her best friend which I didn’t even know she felt that strongly until we started to fight. thought I was just some dude she talked to when she wasn’t hanging out with her irl friends.

our first fight happened when I realized how deeply she’s into the awful college student drinking partying culture. to be clear because this is something she doesn’t fucking understand, I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF. okay so here’s why I’m extra sensitive about this topic. my parents were alcoholics. also did heroin n shit but yeah I wasn’t allowed to live with them. and every time I see someone fucking wasted, it reminds me of them. i remember my grandpa taking me to restaurants to visit my parents and by the time we finished eating they were drunk. couldn’t even talk to them as a little kid. I lost my childhood due to alcoholism. i know this girl is just a college student partying blah blah blah but it can lead to worse and like.... seriously who the fuck wants to talk to someone who can’t even produce sentences? when you’re that intoxicated it’s simply not healthy even if I didn’t have trauma related to alcohol I would probably still be concerned. anyways, I progressively got more angry with her. i said a lot of things I shouldn’t have . i tore her apart in response to my anger. i hate myself for the way I treated her, but GUESS WHAT? she still doesn’t listen to me. still regularly getting wasted and it fucjing pisses me off because she goes around telling people that I don’t let her DRINK. LIKE SHES MISSING THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!! IM GOING TO COPY AND PASTE EXACTLY WHAT I SAID BEFORE I GOT INTO DETAIL ABOUT THIS: I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF.

anyways, now as I said she still fucking gets wasted all the time,BUT SHE DOESNT TALK TO ME. but she posts about it on her Instagram story (which I’m blocked from seeing but.... I have my ways🤷🏻), she talks to other people JUST NOT ME. THAT WASNT MY FUCKING INTENTION WITH MY SERIES OF INTERVENTIONS. I WANTED HER TO BECOME MORE RESPONSIBLE WITH ALCOHOL? AND THEN SHE CAN ENJOY A DRINK AND STILL TALK LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. GOD IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY TO KNOW THAT SHES STILL BEING WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A GLORIFIED ALCOHOLIC, BUT SHE JUST DOESNT DRUNK TEXT ME ANYMORE.

ooh then another fight.... I was venting to an NOW EX FRIEND FUCK THAT BITCH SHE BOILS MY BLOOD JUST THINKING ABOUT HER of mine ..... AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOD I FUCKING HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID.... DECIDED TO SNITCH ON ME AND MESSAGE THE GIRL AND TELL HER THAT I WAS VENTING. AND SHE MISINTERPRETED AS ME “TALKING SHIT” WHEN I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HER IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. SOME PPL SAID “SHES TOXIC” I ALWAYS FUCKING DEFENDED HER BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE WERE FIGHTING I STILL ADORED HER. so yeah that put even more tension on our friendship. AND I DROPPED THE SNITCH GIRL RIGHT AWAY, I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE HER BECAUSE MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE GIRL COULDVE BEEN SAVED IF IT WASNT FOR HER. FUCK HER. I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH AND NOW THEYRE FRIENDS AND COMMENT ON EACHOTHERS POSTS AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

anyways, like I mentioned I said a lot of terrible things to her. i was really fucking angry and I said some terrible things which I deeply regret and I tried apologizing and making it up but now already our friendship was messed up.

also, she eventually ended up getting a boyfriend and like, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous I’d be lying but I was the one who rejected her in the first place so 😳😳it’s whatever. but she told her boyfriend everything about me and this guy now hates my guts LOL . ever since she started dating the guy she talked to me less and less.

and during a short period of time when we weren’t fighting I introduced her to a friend of mine and now they talk a lot and she likes him more so YES IM FUCKING JEALOUS AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

but this friend of mine she started talking to leads me to my breaking point. so you know she’s been distant because apparently every time we talk it’s a fight but I’m like BUT WHY?? and this next fight will show exactly how ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT, SHES TO FUCKING BLAME AS WELL!!

so she’s been ignoring me for a couple days after a PETTY FIGHT THAT I FELT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING JUST A SILLY LITTLE FIGHT THAT IDC ABOUT. basically she got mad because I was bullying that friend of mine about his league of legends stats 🤣 literally a fucking video game that she doesn’t like and she’s mad at me for TEASING MY FRIEND.

so I got kinda sad.... like why is she ignoring me??

she eventually responded after I sent her a looong paragraph with some identifying info so I’m not gonna show it. BUT HERES WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE ISNT GONNA TALK TO ME WHILE SHES GETTING DRUNK !!

okay the next screenshot has more identifying details so I’m not gonna share but basically she LIED TO ME SAYING SHE HAD NO SERVICE FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH WHILE I COULD GET PROOF THAT SHE WAS TEXTING MY FRIEND LIKE EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT . HE TOLD ME THEY STILL TALKED AND SHE WAS PURPOSELY IGNORING ME BC IM TOO STRESSFUL FOR WHATEVER. BUT SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT IT

so basically, here’s how it’s not just my fault . yes, getting angry is my fault I could be a little less harsh. im working on it. BUT THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IGNORING ME FOR DAYS AND THEN LIES TO ME?? COME ON ISNT THAT A VALID REASON TO BE UPSET

anyways this is the last thing I sent her before deactivating my Instagram (I have her number too but we rarely talk on there). but the fact that she said we aren’t friends anymore.... broke my fucking heart. I broke down in tears. I had to stop myself from hurting myself or saying something dumb. so I ended it there.

i tried to hard to fix what we once had. yes, I’m at fault for being a dick and not being able to control my anger. but she’s at some fault for giving me valid reasons to be upset. i tried to hard to fix our friendship. but the more I try the more angry I get. she isn’t going to listen to me. she doesn’t even care about me anymore. it’s over.

ive been pretty suicidal lately. a few months ago I started cutting myself again after years and I hate myself for it. i pushed everybody away. she was the last person I regularly talked to. maybe now I can take a break from the fighting, try to get to a better place mentally, and try to get back in touch with some of my other friends, or make new friends.

idk I’m still very upset but this long ass vent that no one is gonna read helped a lot. this all happened over a few months and today was where I ended it. time to start a new chapter I guess

[wishhbones]

Wednesday, November 1st, 2017 -- 1:11 am

I type this as she is asleep beside me. 

I believe I met her at a swim meet during junior year of high school. I was a 15 year old boy. Hungry for attention and eager to please for it. This is our love story.

It doesn’t matter who I was around or which other girl I was attempting to flirt. I knew I wanted Valerie the most. Fuck, I think everyone knew that. The night of the swim meet we skyped for 7-8 hours into the night about Metallica and my bucket list. She has strict parents so this fact means a lot to me. I texted her everyday and like a fuckboy would say my “goodnight sweetdreams” and “good morning <3″. I wanted to get in her pants and thought I was being sly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But the more I talked to her I realize I had finally met my match. She’s funnier than me, smart; and not to mention, stunning. I’m sure of I’ve been caught a numerous amount of times staring. Just. Staring. The best part was, she would just.. stare back. I could feel the energy oscillate between us telling me that she wanted what I wanted. 

But what do I want now.......

.

I want her to be mine. 

I can’t let any other person take away this opportunity.

But

She wasn’t ready. 

.

.

And I lost it. I wanted beg... and I probably did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

She wanted to stay as friends. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I assumed I’d be kept on a leash and be forced to watch her kiss another man.

So I left.. And she resented me, but at the time I don’t think she understood why. Through rumours I know she called me a bitch and such. okay :/

Time passed and when I would hear her name my heart would skip a beat. An equivalent to when its about to be your turn to present your project to the class. I swear I had arrhythmia too (I actually went to see a doctor about this, anyway I want to believe but I cant prove that she is the cause. o well)

She ended up dating a teammate from my swim team. Fucking hell. Of course it’s the fastest guy on the team. Of course she doesn’t want a mediocre fuck like me. This is what she wanted the whole time I thought. I hate her.

I think there was a time here where we felt interest for each other again, but she was still with him. It wasn’t right for me to take a woman away from her man. She knew it was immoral to keep flirting with me. 

It’s time for me to move on. I hated myself for hating myself. I stopped talking to Valerie. I found a girl who went on to became my lover and prom queen. And on Prom day, guess who came crying. Not my girl lol. I did feel bad. No one deserves to cry after this much preparation and in front of this many people, but I don’t think she would have let me approach her (I asked her recently, she said I should have lol).

There’s something I want to confess. Even though my prom queen was lovely. I had Valerie on my mind. All the time. I left her for the purpose of wanting a new opportunity, and guess who I went to right away. You guessed it. Val. She had newly become single and I wanted her like always.

Valerie wasn’t ready. Again...... And again she went off with someone else.......... I should have learned the first time :c

The summer after that year, I was able to witness her on the day she left that man. I’d pay good money to see that shit, but I saw it for free instead. I made her laugh that day with my awful singing. That’s a (+1) for my ego.

I want her. I crave her. I am desperately curious to know what she tastes like.

One time she actually let me come over to catch up on life. It was around the time where she had recently let go of her best friend (and mine at the time). I truly remember this distinct moment where we walked through her kitchen and I wanted to kiss her by her fridge. I didn’t. Also when she invited me to her room and I sat on her bed. God, I wanted to grab her and kiss her passionately like in the Notebook. I didn’t.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After leaving, I texted her about how I felt a connection again and that I wanted more. I think she went along the lines of, “we’ll see how life turns out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”. Yeah, I asked her out like 3 times in a 6 month span after that. All “No”s.

But, why did she still talk to me... Does she only like the attention give to her. Thats probably it. When she’s lonely she comes to me for attention, gets high from it until she finds someone else. (This is actually what I assumed at the time).

Well, during May 2016, we clicked again. It felt real. She even said over the phone that she missed being friends with me. (idk how to insert a crying emoji here. i dont use a macintosh). We were due for a Blink 182 concert in a few months, except I had to buy my ticket separately from her and her friends. I was pumped, were finally taking off.

Well, hold your fucking horses because I was supposed to see her one weekend back from Ottawa and she stopped me. In fact, she didn’t want to continue what we had going on because she wanted to work on herself. She said she couldn’t produce her own happiness and I while I do agree that this is a very valid reason, I was fucking disappointed again.

A month goes by and I send her a regretful essay over text pouring my heart out and saying something along the lines of, “dont even msg me on my birthday, youre gonna ruin it :’(”

Another month goes by and I learn that she invited my best friend, Jeremy to go to the Blink 182 concert. She had an extra ticket. Another month goes by and I learn that she has a new boyfriend..................... 

just fucking kill me now.

It is September 2016, I fall into a deep depression. Stay high in my room. Skip class and eventually drop out of school like a fucking miscarriage. December rolls in and I find myself at home. A disappointed family surrounds me at the Christmas lit dinner table. Everyone is quiet and afraid to ask me how things are going. No one asked me actually.

My aunt gave me a self help book as my Christmas gift and I learned a very simple and great lesson. “Awareness is the first step towards Change”

I wanted to get better. I wanted to change from what I had become.

I applied to work at the pool.... which happened to be the same pool Valerie would supervise at... I carefully picked hours when she was not there. I dreaded that I would see her... but I was also sad that I didn’t see her. Strange. Anyway, I needed to reset my work ethic and picked all early bird shifts Monday to Friday. I invested over a thousand dollars into recording equipment to jump start my life as a musician. I rehearsed songs to play at open mic events. I flirted with girls again. I got back in shape doing cross fit. Soon after that, I got my first step into a job related to my field of study. I began working for Hibar Systems, an engineering firm dedicated to building high quality pneumatic pumps and assembly lines, as a Jr. Project Manager.

My life began to pick up again. Things were going great and I felt like I was finally moving on from Valerie....

One day, I decided to text her over Instagram probably about how dumb she looked in her profile pic. Apparently, it was great timing. I soon learned that she had gone through a life changing event just recently and wanted to break up with her boyfriend. I tried hard to act as a neutral body and give support.

On July 16th, Jeremy had tickets to go see Metallica. This was my first ever show and was ready to shit my pants. He had extra tickets though. So who did I hit up? ... Valerie.

And she said “yes” !

That night she told me that she only listened to Metallica because of me.. and that she thought at some point in the night that she was in love with me. Ain’t no drug can me higher than that. We had some great closure that evening. I learned that she was afraid to date me in case of the consequence that our breakup would mean the end of seeing me. That at least when were not together, I come around periodically (when im not ghosting on her) and thats better than never seeing me again.

A few days later on the 18th, I drove her back to her apartment from a get together with her friends. 

That night she broke up with her boyfriend. 

That night I kissed her. 

That night she told me, “Thanks for never giving up on me.”

It has been 6 years since I first met her. Now, I type this on her laptop as she is asleep beside me. I love her.

-Kevin ‘Konkon’ Chung

[blackrupee]

Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in  expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it. 

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds. 

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar

[alexrhcdes-blog]

in the background we can see a very excitable rachel whom has been waiting to plot with all you lovely humans. ANYWAY, hello! as already mentioned, the name is rachel, i’m twenty years old, from the gmt+1 timezone and go by she/her pronouns !! ya’ll i could sit here and try to explain how excited i am about this roleplay but i’m pretty sure it’d just be a long ass ‘ajsklkakjslak’ over and over. 

VICTORIA JUSTICE, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER  — did you see ALEXANDRIA ‘ALEX’ RHODES near the gazebo last night ? they’re that TWENTY-THREE year old that i’ve heard is a BAKER. i’ve definitey heard them called AUDACIOUS, which contradicts how they’re also called FIERY. mostly i hear SHE CAN BE FOUND SPORTING AN ANKLE MONITOR AS SHE’S ON PAROLE, but i think we all know better than to believe that !

alexandria, or as known by her preferred nickname, alex was born and raised in starhollow; somewhere that to this day she has never left, not for a vacation, college, nada.

she had a pretty good life in the beginning, with two loving, supporting parents doting on their only child.. what more could she want? 

but lets be real this shit is about to take a turn because i can’t let my children be happy. sO. one day, mama rhodes just so happens to come home early, finding her husband in their bed with someone else. oh, but not just ANYONE else, it just so happened to be her best friend. 

so as you can imagine, mrs. rhodes lost her shit, there was screaming, fighting, picture frames smashed against bedroom walls; basically, a total shitshow. 

rather than pick herself up after all of this, continue to be an ideal mother, businesswoman, it got the better of mrs.rhodes; warranting her to fall into a deep depression like alexandria had never seen. 

the young girl grew up with her mother practically dosing herself with sedatives and others alike, spending her days hidden between the sheets of the bed she’d once caught her husband cheating between. 

because of this, alex was suddenly forced to mature, to take care of herself; with her father gone and her mother stuck in a pharmaceutical haze, all she had left to rely on was herself. 

from the minute she turned of age, alex found herself working little jobs here and there; first it was babysitting for mrs. milliar down the hallway, then it moved on to things like cafes, waitress jobs, working in the local convenient store, and so on.

because of this, alex missed more school than any parent would possibly approve of, but with her mother so detatched from the world— it’s not as though alex had anyone to keep on her back about it. therefore, she would often skip periods of classes in order just to take up an extra shift. 

it seemed alexandria built an image for herself over the years; she was one of the ‘bad kids’ the ones your parents warn you not to go near, a ‘dirtbag’ to say the least. which is precisely how she wound up getting herself arrested.

prior to this, alex was no stranger to spending a night in a jail cell, having gotten in petty bar fights, or caught spray-painting the back of a convenient store. though, this time was different, this time was more serious. 

word gets around, especially when you hang out with the wrong crowd; so when alex got the word that a big time druglord wanted her to work for him, it was a deal hard to pass up. after all, she’d be practically stupid to turn down the pay; considering it was more than any store or waitress job was going to get her, and well, she was broke. 

the set up was simple, posing their location as a massage parlor, alex was hired to play receptionist; considering upon cleaning herself up she could pull it off— and she did. it worked for awhile, alex found herself in heaven, getting paid to sit in front of a computer all day with her only task to play professional. though, this being said, she helped out here and there with setting up dates, meetings, anything asked of her. 

what the business wasn’t expecting was for them to be bombarded one morning by detectives and cops— it had all happened so quick alex wasn’t even sure how to register it. 

as if this wasn’t all overwhelming enough as it was, upon reaching the station was when a life-altering discovery would be made. one of the detectives assigned to her case, victoria reed, seemed to make a discovery upon reading over alex’s file. the two girls were infact, half sisters. 

for someone who had grown up alone, relying only on herself— this was a total shock to the system for alex. while she played it off as though she was unaffected, trying to portray a cool exterior; her insides were a mess, and it was safe to say she had only too many questions she was likely to never ask. 

victoria was a big part of why alex got off so easy in her sentence; a year parole with an ankle monitor to keep track of her and her movements. though, before she was let off so easy there was an intense questioning that occurred; the cops wanting alex to spill names as they thought she would be easy to crack—   and they knew they hadn’t caught everyone. plus, with her having worked as a receptionist, she was well aware of suppliers, buyers, you name it. 

even with their bribes of a lesser sentence, alex refused their offer. she knew what happened to rats, and she was NOT about to give up her life just for a couple of months free from the grasp of authority. 

despite the fact she’s on parole, she can still be found working little jobs here and there; her boss still lingering around in the shadows frequently checking up on her, desperate to ensure she doesn’t decide to spill the rest of the names to the cops— especially his. 

though, her more socially acceptable job is in the local bakery; something she got herself into after the arrest— it being one of the only places willing to take on a ‘criminal’. despite the fact she’d never admit it herself, alex does actually like the job, as if baking was a hidden talent she never had the chance to explore. 

ya’ll this got LoNg. but anyway, that is my little alex for you. tbh i feel like i’m forgetting 2989032 other things i had come up with but lets be real that’s long enough for now. basically she’s kind of.. a mess right now??/always?? she generally keeps a very apathetic expression, can be rather blunt and sarcastic. though, she knows how to turn on the charm when needed and believe me, she will. she knows how to flutter her eyelashes and be kittenish, and she’s not afraid to use that when necessary. she has a v v hard time relying on others, or even trusting them, considering she’s used to only having herself to rely on because in the end everyone else is gonna fuck you over, right???? also lowkey doesn’t like authority that much ooOPS. for obvious reasons. can be found baking at like four am because she has a theory she bakes better at night??? idk man there’s a lot about her okAAY.

so, i figured i’d list a couple of possible wc ideas, though i mostly just brainstorm because it’s easier idk man. but hmu if any of these suit your character holla. 

lowkey i’m always down for the big brother/little sister type of plot, that’s lowkey my aesthetic tbh oops.

considering her dad cheated w/her moms best friend.. lowkey give me the kid of that parent?? like not a sibling just, the kid of the chick her dad cheated with. alex would probably be 100% an ass to them lmao. 

i can only really see her having one or two friends she’s like.. deathly close to? like they would probably know bits and pieces about the stuff that has gone on with her dad/mom/everything, especially if they grew up in starhollow like herself. but these would be her ride n die kinda friends ygm??

on that note, give me just those like.. party friends? like people she drinks with or gets high with etc etc.

frequent customers, she works in a bakery so..?? idk?? just a lil idea.

someone she used to be incredibly close with when they were young, but after all the shit went down with her dad and mom she pushed them away, to this day she still gives them the cold shoulder and the other has no idea why. at this point, neither does alex.

hookups/fwbs, she’s not really a relationship person bc trust issues 101, plus she’s seen where love has gotten her mom and nOPe she don’t dig that so. she probably sleeps around w/the same people really, considering she has the ankle monitor which isn’t really the sexiest thing in the world so if anyone is down for sleeping w/basically a criminal???

lowkey give me a plot like ‘we said no strings attached but now we’re in knots’.

there’s probably a handful of people she doesn’t get along with, she’s really easy to piss off and generally would just get irritated quickly by someone and decide then and there she doesn’t like them.

hatefuck??? i mean, speaks for itself, they argue and bicker a hella lot.. but then always end up fuckin’.

loWKEy, this could go along w/the hatefuck or fwb plot but like.. gimmie a plot were neither of the muses like sleeping alone or at least like, they prefer sleeping together? so they’ll fuck n whatever or even make excuses to do so just so they get to wound up literally sleeping w/one another; like all snuggly and it’s just.. at least alex wouldn’t want to admit she enjoys it so she’d cover it up w/being like ey come over n bang??

they act savage asf face to face and everyone is convinced they hate one another but they can often be found hitting one another up at like 2am when they need someone to drink/smoke with and just bitch about life. 

i’m preeeee sure there’s at least a couple of authority figures so?? pls come plot w/me she’s literally a lowkey criminal giVe mE thiS.

anyone else who is lowkey shady? like, anyone else that would have the same dirtbag-esque lifestyle as her or just generally got themselves into all sorts of trouble?

this is a mess

basically, i’m down for literally anything bc i’m a big plot slut

okay so, i think that’s all i got for right now, but ima hit ya’ll up and whatnot because i 100% wanna plot with evERyoNE.

[saturnsovereign]

random question: what's your favorite flower? also you and your girlfriend are so cute!! was there a point where you realized you were in love with her/had a crush on her? i ship you guys so hard btw 😝

Aww thanks anon 😊💜My favorite flower is a 3 way tie between Morning Glories, Carnations, and Roses.

Also, sit down anon and my followers, you’re gonna get the full origin story of me and my gf. It’s also gonna sound like a cheesy love story that I made up, but trust me everything is 100% true.

So last year, at the end of school, when me and my gf weren’t dating, we were both elected as captains of our color guard. We were both pretty psyched and nervous cuz we had a whole champs thing to uphold. Stuff happened in the summer and it was.. an experience to say the least. I was kind of at a place which didn’t allow cell phones but my family visited almost every day. My sister, god bless her, took notes down from my friends and wrote them on a napkin just so I could hear them. Anyway, my gf-who still wasn’t my gf at the time-we’ll call her Unfortunate-got into contact with my first best friend, who got into contact with my sister who gave the message to me. Unfortunate sent her these horrible puns and forced my best friend and my sister to read them before they got to me 😆. But man that was a good laugh.

With the school year coming up, and me being temporarily out of commission, I called her up right after I left that place-she was the second person I called I believe- right next to my other best friend. Anyway, she was one of the few people I decided to trust, and after that phone call I knew that I was right in trusting her.

My first public appearance was in band camp. The first thing Unfortunate at the time did when she first saw me was immediately hug me. It had been a while since I hugged someone not from my family. It felt so nice.

School started up for me and we had made this one joke that we would be the gayest captains of our color guard, and that we would be so gay that the freshmen would think we were dating. …ironic right. We even started calling each other OTP which stood for One True Pun bc of our initial love for puns. Anyway, freshmen orientation was coming up and Unfortunate and i had called after school guard practice so that she could teach the other guardies performing the choreography. Anyway, we were calling each other OTP and punning left and right and I had this brilliant idea how to up our gayness levels and lowkey fuck with my friend. I suggested flag kisses where we would hold up the silks of our flags to our faces and “kiss” each other with them. (You’re probably thinking… how gay could this get- but trust me, its gets even more gay)

Anyway, during one of the after school practices my friend- we’ll call her SS (for Small Shit) - was sending me texts to get back together with my Ex-bf. My other friend - Swimmer boy (SB)- had gotten the idea to fuck with her through my phone so I let him. He pretended to be me and somewhere along the line we got the idea that I would fake-date SB just to mess with SS. Anyway, Unfortunate was there too and SS wasn’t believing us. So, we decided to up the ante and have me pretend to be poly and date both SB and Unfortunate. SS was not taking that well and Unfortunate and I, being fucking gay and we tried to make it as realistic as possible by sending her planned flirty texts we had /sent/ to each other. So, this is the beginning of when the puns started to turn into really flirty pick-up lines. Both of the squishy and sinful category.

At first it was just some stuff I researched to say to Unfortunate while SS was close by, and then it got both sinful and squishy. SS still wouldn’t believe us, so we made it a point to be extra squishy in her presence. I remember one time, we were both looking to see if she was looking just to wait for us to hold hands. We also started calling each other by the pet names like Babe or Beautiful, etc. when she was around. Now keep in mind I’m still supposed to be fake-dating Swimmer Boy but calling him babe just left a bad taste in my mouth. During our free period, we made it a point to cuddle at Unfortunate’s designated spot just to fuck with SS. We even got the rest of our guard team on it and agreed that cheek kisses and small pecks were ok- like how gay could you get. We finally got around to convincing SS that we were actually dating but like at that point we were just too far to be simply “fully committed” as part of the prank.

Meanwhile, my ex-bf heard about the prank and hated it, even if we was my ex and it was /just/ a prank. I will admit that in my left-over feelings from him and feeling like I owed him/sorry from our relationship in the past- i made a mistake. I told him after the prank was over that we could start again. (It’s been on and off and believe me when I say I wish I didn’t hurt him as much as I did.) This is where SS came in and told me about how the last time I broke my Ex’s heart that I wasn’t there for him and that I was gonna hurt somebody like I eventually did.

Anyway, it really hit me and Unfortunate could tell that there was something off. She took me to the side, asked what was wrong so I decided to trust her again. I was so afraid of breaking people’s hearts and that I was a hella bad person. And she held me after that. And I, let me tell you that I honestly didn’t like getting hugs but man I felt so safe in her arms. And she cared, she genuinely cared.

She wrote me a note and it was squishiness galore. And looking back on it, I had fallen for her so hard. She made me blush, I didn’t have to hold back my sinful side around her, and she just genuinely made me happy. It came to a point where when my Ex texted me during the time of what we hoped we would slowly come together and when Unfortunate would text me that I looked more forward to opening Unfortunate’s messages than his. That’s definitely when I knew I had fallen for her. Hard. I had a crisis, but anyway I had to respond to her note. So I did. In my other really personal blog I don’t let anyone else see. Except her. Bc goddamnit I trusted her so much.

On that note I confessed how the prank wasn’t a prank anymore. How she made my insides feel like it was full of butterflies and how much I cared and loved her.

Dear lord, I just really love her you guys.

I eventually ended things with my Ex and we told SS the prank was over- no more fake-dating SB. But we did not turn down our flirty/gay behavior which just confused everyone XD. And idk I just had the biggest fucking crush on Unfortunate bc we still weren’t officially dating just yet. Anyway, during one of our free periods, I remember Unfortunate threatening to kiss me if I tickled her again. And since I had the biggest fucking crush, was afraid to start something, and see if she would actually do it, I tickled her. SS came in and saw us being gay and threw a gay towel at us at one point. And idk I got a bit bolder under it and like I tried to kiss her. Kinda failed the first time XD mostly managing to kiss her nose and her cheeks, before the towel fell off. SS left the room and us alone and Unfortunate asked if I wanted to kiss her. And I was like trying to play it cool and like say “kinda” “sure” or some shit and then she asked if being under the towel helped and i said yes so she put the towel over both us.

And then it happened. Our first kiss. (You guys she’s such a good kisser it felt like heaven.)

A few days later, after teasing me about science and stuff and being unlucky on the 12, I got lucky ok the 13th. Like, my nickname is Captain Unlucky, she’s Capt. Unfortunate, and our guard room was in room M13. But on the 13th, with some help of science, she asked me to be her girlfriend. Of course I said yes. :) We’ve been dating ever since. 😊❤️

We’ve gone through so much these last few months, and I just love her so much. She means everything to me, anon. I love her.