#( literally a mad poet moment right here )

[ausrache]

the call of the void. / part one. content warning(s): mentions death, blood, self-loathing & hatred

ENTRY 00234 DATE: 20.04.20XX TIME: 3:21AM

do you know how it feels the first time that life slips from your hands?

not your own, but that of another person. as an entity that has been born within complete darkness — a place that fostered violence & rewarded cruelty in its most horrible of ways. there was no sun. no warmth. not one person that would hold you when you're down. no, instead — the moment that you came into existence, you were supposed to fight. fight for survival. fight for life. fight to become something else than just a simple grain of sand within this garden of darkness.

as one born from the void, i think it was always considered my own birthright that i'd step foot into such a situation. after all, you couldn't escape it. bloodshed was everywhere. but it felt different . . . whilst i remained within the shadows, my own darkness blended in so seamlessly with that of the others. it was almost as if it didn't exist. it was almost as if i could hide that monstrosity that was forever a part of me. against the others, i seemed almost harmless with my ways.

but it became different when i was forced into this mortal shell. in fact, everything was different. the way i felt things. the way i perceived things. the warmth. the blinding light of the sun. the people that walked alongside me.

but also that hunger.

that thirst.

i hated it.

i still hate it.

i can never unlearn to hate it. at first, i didn't even know what it was that had my body so tense. on alert, as if something terribly wrong was happening to me. but then . . . i understood. of course, i didn't want to but — i had to. for survival. for life.

and suddenly, that warmth faded from me.

i was back in the darkness, even if this was a whole different place surrounding me. i understood that i carried the void within me wherever i would go; within that abyssal hole in my chest where once my heart laid; within those ruby eyes that gaze others like a frightened animal; within the thirst that rasps against my throat & tongue like sandpaper. that darkness was carved into my soul & i would forever remain trapped within in, no matter where i went.

in fact, it was perhaps only that blinding light of earth that showed how truly monstrous this body is. this soul is.

how i am . . . ?

is this what i am supposed to be? is this all i can ever be? coldness raked itself through my skin & i felt myself submitting to that cruel feeling of nausea as i accepted my fate. the shame that lingered in the back of my throat, dripping down my tongue & onto my skin — red like the blood moon that shined on me . . .

it was all me, in the end.

that is how it feels to take a life.

how it was for me, at least. those exact thoughts were the ones that infected my brain as i held onto their cold body, begging the fates, the gods & whoever was able to hear my begging to undo my crimes. i never had a choice to whom i exactly prayed for most wouldn't hear my wails. perhaps, i was never meant for divine intervention. for a single blessing. but at least — spare this person that fell at my hand for the sake of keeping this monster alive.

i've heard it before, of course, that in some sense it was neccessary. neccessary evil. neccessary cruelty. for if the hunger remained, i would be the one to fade away from this world.

but then again, how am i neccessary to this world?

how can my own actions be neccessary when this existence in itself is but a curse? a play by the fates? a joke? one that was so sick & twisted that one understood.

so, if i was to pass . . . would it be so horrible? it would silence this monster. this body. this soul. this whole life that has been fostered by darkness would forever close & perhaps, people could finally rejoice.

for there was one less monster on this earth.

[wonderrot]

hi! i don’t know if you write for spike (btvs) but could you maybe write dating spike hcs? sfw & nsfw?

hi my lil crow <3! i do most certainly write for our favorite lil bad boy spike, i hope you enjoy <3!

XOXO, CHESHIRE — depressingly this is shorter than my one with angel but that doesn’t mean that i don’t love him any less! i just literally ran out of headcanons at the moment cause my brain stopped working whoops! i could always expand upon him on a later date like i can with angel.

WRITING WARNINGS: lovely fluff, some hints of angst thrown in because of our beloved troublesome tortured poet and some nsfw content as well!

alright let’s state the obvious about our favorite troublesome poet : he will write tons of poems about you. his favorite topic to write about would be about love, at least i headcanon from his former human life, and so when he finds himself enthralled with you, you become his center focus in his beloved artship.

even if you do not like poetry, still please be supportive of him especially when you learn why he doesn't write his poetry as often as he used to when he was human. you see, in my personal headcanon, william (his human self of course) had been seen as too soft for a man as he liked the more feminine oddities such as : poetry, flowers, jewelry, fashion, and baking. mind you, this is all my personal headcanons as to why he was seen as soft.

so this vamp would adore you so so much more if you were to let him be himself and perhaps show interest in the oddities that he likes. obviously he would be the most supportive of you but if he was super supportive of you and didn't receive any back, i feel like he’d be put off of you despite how he feels towards you.

if you are an artistic soul like he is, spike would proudly marvel over your art — no matter how melancholy it might appear to be. he would goat about how his partner is the best at (insert your craft(s) here) and it would get to the point that the whole scooby gang would in-synchronicity claim "we know!" which would turn him into a blushing stuttering mess as he tries to play it off that he doesn't talk about your craft(s) that much. he contradicts himself sometimes as we all know.

he is the definition of a badass with a good soft heart. y'all get stuck out in the rain? he`s sacrificing his good leather and placing it over your head as he moves the pair of you underneath something where you would be dry and then y'all can watch the rain fall down upon sunnydale in a pretty lil art form. anyone happens to look at you in a wrong or potentially harmful way? spike is throwing hands with his vamp face out to scare them halfway to death before he even touches them. he`s a little protective over you, that`s all.

he’s obsessed with your touch. he’s severely touch deprived even if he doesn’t show it — please show him that he is capable of love, one that doesn’t surround around the madness of the woman who he believed to have been his soulmate before you came into his life. the man would be so touchy with you in private, especially if you did any hobbies of his that he loves — meaning baking of course! he would wrap his arms around your middle and use his hands to help you with anything you need for baking. definitely the type of man to put you on his feet and the pair of you penguin waddle together to put the trays in the oven for whatever you’re baking.

speaking of him being obsessed with your touch … time for a lil bit of nsfw 😈

spike is definitely a switch with a bratty sub lean, i mean literally just look at this vampire. he tries to act like a badass who is known for causing trouble over the years and yet if you play your cards just right you can turn him from a brat into your precious boy, but that takes a while. i tend to headcanon that even though drusilla loved him in the way she did, she never got to have him this way, and spike only trusts you to show this side of him. despite the trust, he will indeed make you work for it like i said previously. but you know how to handle your troublesome boy and how to practically turn him into a puddle with your mere touch overtime.

he’s definitely a mean service dom though when he is in a the dominant state of mind. man loves to torture you and deny your orgasms left and right only for a few turns though and then sends you over the edge quite a few times after that. he turns you into a total mess for his own pleasure but the aftercare is spectacular fr!

his version of aftercare is ; cleaning you up with a towel while smothering you with kisses all over as soon as he wipes down each and every spot upon your body, then he goes and gives you a drink (whether water or your favorite soda or alcoholic drink or maybe a blood bag if you’re a vampire like him — y’alls choice!) before he goes off to fill up a bath with the rainbow colored child bubbles that he found at the store the other day, and then he carries you in there once the bath is all filled. then he goes on to wash your body and hair for you while making sure that you’re genuinely alright with whatever occurred during your time together, then he asks you for whatever you want or need — his beloved flower’s wish is his command that he wishes never ends.

[oh-my-damn]

I am having thoughts regarding the different types of women out there

My thoughts are completely biased since they are based on the differences between my own and my roommates favorite Taylor Swift songs

Based on that very small study I have come to the obvious conclusion that there are basically two types of women out there (this is based on literal nothing other than vibes)

It's The Bolter girls vs The Prophecy girls

Let me show you the differences:

The Bolter girls are girls who tend to run away from love or run away from close relationships in general.

Some of their favorite bangers include (in no particular order):

The Bolter, champagne problems, closure, Dear Reader, The Manuscript, my tears ricochet, illicit affairs, Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?, The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart, The Tortured Poets Department, peace, happiness, Coney Island, exile, Fresh Out the Slammer, Clara Bow, Should've Said No, Fifteen, Bad Blood, The Moment I Knew, I Know Places, Now That We Dont Talk, I Did Something Bad, Death by a Thousand Cuts, False God, the 1, this is me trying, the last great american dynasty, seven, ivy, epiphany, gold rush, 'tis the damn season, long story short, Lavender Haze, Anti-Hero, Midnight Rain, Karma.

As for The Prophecy girls, they are the type of girls who, while they can still be reserved and distant like The Bolter girls, are secretly hoping and searching for love. They're lovergirls, inherently, even if they don't always show it.

Here are some of their fave bangers (in no particular order):

The Prophecy, So Long, London, loml, Guilty as Sin?, imgonnagetyouback, How Did It End?, The Alchemy, Peter, The Albatross, I Look in Peoples Windows, Cassandra, But Daddy I Love Him, betty, cardigan, august, If This Was a Movie, White Horse, Safe & Sound, Red, mirrorball, I Knew You Were Trouble, Style, Wildest Dreams, This Love, All You Had To Do Was Stay, How You Get the Girl, Is It Over Now?, Don't Blame Me, Delicate, Gorgeous, Dress, End Game, King of My Heart, Lover, willow, marjorie, dorothea, right where you left me, tolerate it, Maroon, Question...?, Bejeweled, Labyrinth, Glitch.

Common denominators (among others):

The Black Dog, Down Bad, I Hate It Here, mad woman, All Too Well (10 min version), Clean, New Years Day, The Archer, The Man, the lakes, You're On Your Own, Kid, Vigilante Shit, Mastermind, Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus, Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince, Cruel Summer.

Anyway, once again, this is an entirely biased study based on two people so it's absolutely inaccurate. But still fun!

[not-poignant]

Unnecessary throwback, I just reread The Wind that Cuts the Night AGAIN (one of my faves) and I think about this every time i do, are there any authors or books in particular that influence your writing style? Because the vibes are impeccable in this fic and it’s something that makes me wonder about any inspiration you may have had <3

Hi anon!

I have read literally thousands of books, and I think every single one of them - especially the ones I've loved - have all influenced my writing style a little. From non-fiction to fiction.

There's definitely no single writer I want to emulate, because I pretty much never find exactly what I want to read out there. It's more like I find moments, and then I think 'oh I want to make a reader feel the way this writer made me feel right now' but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to write in their style? Or if it does, it will still be influenced by all the other things that have influenced me in the past.

*thinks* I've read so many authors it's almost impossible to single out the ones I love the most re: writing style, but here's a few: Ursula K. Le Guin, dgalerab on AO3, Robin Hobb (though I feel like I've aged out of her writing now), CS Pacat, Suzanne Clarke, Bill Bryson, Robert Holdstock, Mark Z. Danielewski, Asumiko Nakamura, Andrea Gibson, Martha Wells (particularly re: Murderbot), Hinako Takanaga, Chuuya Nakahara, John Fowles, Orson Scott Card (for all that he's a bigot homophobic dickhead), Sarah Monette / Katherine Addison, Alan Ball, Mike Schur, Brian Jacques, Cecilia Dart-Thornton, Dan Harmon, Randall Jarrell, Thomas Harris, Yana Toboso, Ono Natsume, Kim Dare, Moto Hagio, Scott Heim, Gerald Durrell, Tanith Lee, George Mackay Brown, early Lyn Gala, early Sidney Bell, early Roan Parrish, Ann-Marie MacDonald, William Goldman, a bunch of classic authors and poets that we don't have time for, Tamora Pierce, Philip Pullman, and like...more fic authors I'm forgetting, lol.

(There's a mix in here, including fic writers, poets, essayists, scriptwriters and novelists).

(Also I am under no illusions that I am anywhere as good as any of these writers, they're just the ones whose styles really inspire me. Except I know I'm missing like 100 others and that's going to annoy me, lmao, I am okay with being mediocre, when I have this greatness to aspire to).

(For all the people who've ever asked me to rec some stuff, there you go, there's the list sdalkfjas).

(For anyone who thinks my writing is good, all I can say is read broadly, widely, across genres, across mediums, it's the best way to improve what you do. Though I'm mad as fuck that the list doesn't have more POC in it. I need to read far more broadly).

(Anon I'm SO glad you enjoy that fic! It was such an indulgent little story :D)

[harrysgoldenline]

Hi lovie 🧡 First of all, let me just say how wonderfully amazing your writing style is. It truly takes my breath away. Keep on writing because this fandom (Harries) needs brilliant people like you to reenact our fantasies. Secondly, I saw that you were asking for requests, so I've got one for you: could you please write something (either a one shot or series) based on friends to lovers trope, where Harry's in love with his friend who's also a poet. It would be marvelous if some scenes took place in Japan, if that's possible. Once again, thank you for your work. Wish you all the best 💐

OMG YOU ARE SO SWEET!!! that is literally the sweetest thing in the whole world. thank you so much love, genuinely. 

Comments are always highly encouraged and appreciated! I love seeing what you guys think of the writing!

Support me and my writing here!

Writing with You

“Y/N, you’re finally here!” You heard Harry exclaim and you drop your bags as you seem him run towards you, literally sweeping you off your feet and spinning you around his rental home.

He had been beginning you to come and visit him and Japan and you could only use work as an excuse for so long until he came up with an elaborate plan, now here you were. 


After a few moments, he sets you back down on your feet, a massive smile on your face as he looks deep into your eyes, “I’m so fuckin’ glad you’re here.” he beamed, reaching down and grabbing your bags and cocking his head to the side as he lead you through the house, “Your room is right across from mine, if that’s alright. If I snore too loud just come in and hit me with a pillow.”

“Happily.” You laughed, giggling up at him as you followed him throughout the home, taking in the space around you, admiring his small touches he added to the rental home, “What have you been up to lately? Anything exciting?”

“Oh, you know just living the rock star life” He winked, setting your suitcase on the bed before laying down on it, extending his arms and making grabby hands at you until you lay next to him, which you happily do, “I’ve been sleeping in, writing, recording and going to bed early.”

“You are such an old man.”

“Hey!” He playfully scolded, fingers digging into your sides, “You menace! I only brought you here because I thought you would be nice to me!”

“Someones gotta keep your ego in check,” You teased, “tell the fans I say you’re welcome for the ‘arrogant son of a bitch’ lyric.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” He chuckled, shifting his body weight and laying a bit closer, eyes looking deep into yours, faces a mere foot apart at most, “speaking of, have you been writing much lately? I’d love to pick some more out of that beautiful mind.”

“I have a bit,” you blush, sitting up a bit and digging into your backpack, flipping through the pages of your notebook, seeing if anything stands out enough to show him now, but you end up just throwing it on a nearby chair and laying back down with a yawn, “I have stuff, not sure if it’s third album worthy.”

“Oh please,” he started, furrowing his eyebrows at you, sincerity in his eyes, “you are an incredible writer, I love writing with you. I’m sure the studio tomorrow will be magic. But! You need some sleep, you’ve had a long day. Can I get you a snack or drink or anything before bed?”

You shook your head, eyes closing with another yawn and your heart sinks as you feel the weight of the bed shift as he crawls out of bed, eyes fluttering back open and you give him a tired smile .

He smirked, flipping off the switch as he reached the bedroom door, “Sweet dreams, love.”

***

“I am officially mad at you,” Harry said the second you entered back into the studio that was connected into the home that he was renting, to coffees in hand.

“What did I do?” You gasp, handing him his coffee as you plopped down next to him in the studio, taking a long sip as he shook his head at you.

He remained silent, pulling your notebook out of his back pocket and flipping through the pages, his long fingers trailing along them as you could see his lips move, silently reading them to himself. He looked back up at you, closing the notebook and handing it back to you.

“These are all incredible! What do you mean none of ‘em are good enough for the album?”

“Really?”

He smiled and nodded quickly, snatching the notebook back from you as he flipped back through the pages while drinking from his mug. Soon, he hands the open notebook back take you, swallowing the warm liquid as he tapped on the open page, a love poem on the page.

“This one…” he began, “is breathtaking. Most definitely my favorite.”

It’s about you. You wanted to say, looking up at your best friend, but instead you say, “help me finish it? I have some more ideas for lyrics but you are the musical mastermind.”

“I would love to.”

So you two worked together, hours passing as if they were minutes as you huddled together at the piano, thighs pressing together as Harry practiced different melodies, the sound of his voice calming you further.

You couldn’t help but close your eyes as you listened to his voice, humming along where he requested so he could help visualize different melodies. Drifting off into the music, you leaned your forehead against his shoulder. Harry kept playing away at the piano, stopping every few measures or so to scribble away on the sheet music, testing out different melodies and lyrics the two of you pieced together.

“I love this so far…” he whispered, looking at you quickly, “I haven’t felt this excited about a song in so long. Thank you.”

“Harry, you wrote the majority of it!” you laughed, playfully shoving him, “I just had, like, a verse and a half.”

“You inspired what I wrote!” He chuckled, glancing down at you, eyes softening, “in more ways then one.”

Your quickly help your heart beat accelerating slightly, looking up at him wide eyed as you struggled to find the words.

“I mean…” he slowly began, adjusting his body so he was fully facing you, “I mean… your words inspired me to write but… it’s also just you, Y/N… You inspire me.”

His eyes were pleading with you, gnawing on his bottom lip as his hands trembled, praying that you understood what he was saying.

“You inspire me too.”

“Did I inspire this song? Is it… about us?”

You slowly nodded, looking down at your shaking hands, “look, I understand if you don’t feel the same but-“

You were cut off with a kiss, two strong hands grabbing your face as your best friends lips crashed onto yours. You kiss back in an instant, hands coming up to his shoulders, tugging on the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Is this okay?” he asked softly against your lips and the second you nod he’s kissing you again, as if to try and make the years of waiting pay off in a single kiss.

Which he was able to accomplish.

He pulls back slightly, pressing a few soft pecks onto your lips before you two look at each other, a blush covering both of your cheeks.

“So…” he smiles, his fingers dancing over the back of your hand before intertwining your fingers, lifting your hand and kissing it, “will you be mine? Finally?

“Yes.” you smirk at him, a hand coming up to his face as you kiss his cheek before letting out a laugh, “So… you gonna give me writing credit this time?”

Harry let’s out a loud laugh, standing up at the piano bench and throwing you over his shoulder and carrying you back into the house, “I knew I love you.”

[derangedrhythms]

hello, do you happen to have any quotes on being foolish in love (thinking of Joyce's "and yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood")?

thank you! your blog is such a nice place, I've gotten some lovely reading material from here ✨

I’m so happy to hear that! Thank you 🖤

"Friend, I am lost. She can do what she likes with me."

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, from ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’ tr. David Constantine

"…for when I glance at you even an instant, I can no longer utter a word: my tongue thickens to a lump, and beneath my skin breaks out a subtle fire: my eyes are blind, my ears filled with humming, and sweat streams down my body, I am seized by a sudden shuddering; I turn greener than grass, and in a moment more, I feel I shall die."

— Sappho, quoted in ‘A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments’ by Roland Barthes, tr. Richard Howard

"This morning, I must get off an “important” letter right away—one on which the success of a certain undertaking depends; but instead I write a love letter—which I do not send. I gladly abandon dreary tasks, rational scruples, reactive undertakings imposed by the world, for the sake of a useless task deriving from a dazzling Duty: the lover’s Duty. I perform, discreetly, lunatic chores; I am the sole witness of my lunacy."

"What is stupider than a lover?"

— Roland Barthes, from ‘A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments’, tr. Richard Howard

"I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed / And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. / (I think I made you up inside my head.)"

— Sylvia Plath, “Mad Girl’s Love Song”

"I have become an idiot like Gertrude Stein. That’s what love does to intelligent women."

— Anaïs Nin, A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller 1932-1953

"…I have missed you greatly and I have been thinking of you at moments when, God help me, no sane, normal man ought to…"

— Henry Miller, quoted in 'Henry and June' by Anaïs Nin

"Falling in love, it seems, dislocates your view of what is significant. Aberrant behavior ensues. Rules of decorum go by the wayside. This is the common experience (pathos) of lovers, Sokrates says, to which men give the name Eros."

"As soon as eros enters his life, the lover is lost, for he goes mad. But where is the point of entry? When does desire begin? That is a very difficult moment to find, until it is too late. When you are falling in love it is always already too late: dēute, as the poets say."

— Anne Carson, from 'Eros the Bittersweet: An Essay'

"…it is folly to be sunk in love, / And madness plain to make the matter known,"

— Edna St. Vincent Millay, XIX from ‘Fatal Interview’

"I stared, I blushed, I paled, beholding him; / A sudden turmoil set my mind aswim; / My eyes no longer saw, my lips were dumb; / My body burned, and yet was cold and numb."

— Jean Racine, from 'Phaedra', tr. Richard Wilbur

"Here is my heart, raving mad and in love!"

— Rumi, Love Is My Savior: The Arabic Poems of Rumi; from ‘Have Mercy!, tr. Nesreen Akhtarkhavari & Anthony A. Lee

"Like a gale smiting an oak / On mountainous terrain, / Eros, with a stroke, / Shattered my brain."

— Sappho, Stung with Love: Poems and Fragments, tr. Aaron Poochigian

"My head is magnificently empty, / my heart dangerously full;"

— Marina Tsvetaeva, from Bride of Ice; from 'Girlfriend, tr. Elaine Feinstein

"Not anyone who says, “I’m going to be / careful and smart in matters of love,” / who says, “I’m going to choose slowly,” / but only those lovers who didn’t choose at all / but were, as it were, chosen / by something invisible / and powerful and uncontrollable / and beautiful and possibly even / unsuitable — / only those know what I’m talking about / in this talking about love."

— Mary Oliver, Felicity; 'Not Anyone Who Says'

"If I chase after you madly, implore you to listen, stand outside your door and wait for you, it is not that I am trying to humiliate myself. There is no humiliation for me in this struggle to keep you. This is only the proof that I am intensely aware, intensely alert, eager, profoundly eager and desperate to make you realize that my great love for you is a terribly real and beautiful thing."

— Henry Miller, from 'A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller 1932-1953'

[everkait]

about nick clark and troy otto

just to get this clear, i love troy and i love nick. i love them both individually but i also love them together and i love this really weird thing that they have going on between them. be it a friendship or whatever, i love it. they had so much potential together and i still can't believe they killed troy just like that.

in the beginning they disliked each other. nick may have even hated troy because of what he did to luciana and that's okay, he had every right to. i think troy disliked nick because he wasn't with his family and for troy the ranch and his family were everything for him. so the thought that nick had left his family on his own volition was very alien to troy. it's not something he would've ever done so he judged and disliked nick because of it and didn't want him on the ranch.

but even though nick heavily disliked troy, he didn't kill him. he had two chances to do so and in the second situation he could've actually gotten away with it but he still didn't kill troy. and troy wasn't even mad at nick for threatening him. he just took it in stride like it was a normal tuesday, he even encouraged nick to do it and later on said that they now could be friends after nick destroyed his notebook. i think that was some kind of turning point for both of them but more so for troy. he didn't necessarily start to like nick after that but his opinion about him wasn't as negative as it was before. nick on the other hand started to tolerate troy a little more after that. he still probably disliked him and thought he was rather dangerous but he wasn't as averse to him as before.

then luciana left and nick stayed. shortly afterwards nick and troy have this little talk down in the pantry and troy tells nick "it's just good you didn't take off after her", and i really loved it when he said that. i think he was being genuine and it shows that he has come to accept nick as part of the community. he doesn't necessarily like him but he accepts him. nick on the other hand is still a little defensive and wary of troy. it shows at the end of the episode when madison tells everyone that walker killed the trimbols and nick confronts her afterwards and tells her not to forget what troy is.

in the next episode while alicia is with walker, nick joins the militia. troy asks nick if he's got permission from madison which shows that he still doesn't really like nick. he accepts him but doesn't seem to want to be around him more than he has to. nick later tells madison that part of the reason he joined the militia is to keep troy, an enemy, close, although madison doesn't completely believe him. later in the episode comes one of my favourite scenes when troy asks nick "you feeling blue, nicky?", he then tells nick to "go kamikaze another day", which to me shows that he genuinely doesn't want nick dead. i don't particularly know why he didn't want nick to die at that moment but i don't think it was for madison's sake as he couldn't have cared less for nick at the beginning even though he is madison's son, whom he seemed to like almost instantly.

nick and troy are now in the militia together and do some bonding, like the poet talk or when they share their experiences and feelings about their father's deaths. around that time somewhere was a turning point for nick when he realized that he didn't actually want troy to die or maybe started caring for him in some capacity. he actually contemplated telling troy that he was the one that killed jeremiah even though madison thinks that troy would kill him for that but nick's not so sure. then comes the highlight of the episode when troy refuses to give up his weapons and nick actually stays back with him. he could've gone out with the others but he stays inside with troy because he wants to. he chooses to do so. because he knows troy, he knows that this will end bloody but he doesn't want that, he doesn't want troy to die. he himself even almost dies because of it when crazy dog gets the drop on him but troy is there and saves him although he gets hurt in the process. he doesn't want nick to die either which we already saw as he didn't want to shoot nick when he was standing between him and the rest and asked him to get out of the way. although troy doesn't want nick dead he still doesn't seem to have realized that nick cares about him as he asks nick why he would care what happens to him. furthermore it comes as a surprise to troy that nick stays with him and he tells him as much but also thanks him for keeping him company. nick then tries everything to get troy to back off, he even tells troy that he doesn't want him to die but troy doesn't listen. only when he confesses that jeremiah didn't commit suicide but that he actually killed him troy finally backs off. and he doesn't seem to be angry at nick.

i think that for troy the thought that his dad would commit suicide and leave them all behind was unbearable. he just couldn't accept it and that's why hearing nick's confession was such a relief for him and made him stop. doesn't matter that nick killed him because he at least didn't kill himself as that's not something that jeremiah would ever do and it's also not something that troy can live with.

now that troy knows that nick killed jeremiah i think he starts to see him in a new light. he later accuses madison for not being the one to kill his father but to let her son do the job and feels like she wronged him somehow by not killing his father. he thought she was like him but now he's not so sure about her anymore and seems to divert his attention even more towards nick. also something worth mentioning is that other than at the beginning troy never tried to kill nick again while he did contemplate killing madison after her cruel words about his mother.

up next comes something that i really can't wrap my head around, which is nick's hallucination of troy. how did his subconscious come up with troy of all people? why did he hallucinate that troy saved him? why? i don't understand. i love the hallucination and i love the fact that he hallucinated troy but i still don't really get why. maybe it's supposed to show us that nick feels safe around troy or that he trusts that troy would save him if he had the chance?

troy's now gone from the ranch but nick still seems to worry about him and alicia calls him out on it. she tells him that he doesn't owe troy anything but likes him and nick never refutes that. alicia also says that they "share the same self-destruction", to which nick replies "maybe i'm as sick as he is", and i love that. he admits that he thinks they might be similar and for me this whole talk just again proves that nick really does care about troy. what makes the whole talk even better is that not even five minutes later troy shows up at nick's to warn him from the horde. he was exiled but he sneaks back in just to warn nick of something that he himself is responsible for. he still doesn't seem to believe that nick cares about him though because when nick says, "it's good you're alive", he answers with "i don't think you believe that". and that's just sad. that after everything nick's done for him troy still can't believe that nick cares about him. what i also love is when troy says, "but you saved me in your own way", and that he'd like to return the favour. i'm not entirely sure what troy means here though. does he mean that nick stopped him from going kamikaze and saved his life or does he mean something different? if he'd simply told nick that nick saved him then i'd have an easier time believing it but he also says "in your own way", and i can't wrap my head around that. it just feels like he means something else with that than just nick saving his life.

another thing about their nightly talk that i love is that nick doesn't even think to rat troy out, not for a second. he says he can hide him or he has to sneak out, these are the only options.

the next day nick and jake then go out together to search for troy and find out what he meant with his warning. on the road jake's intentions regarding his brother are made clear when he takes out his gun and tells nick the story about the rabbit. when they finally reach troy nick again tries to talk him down but to no avail. troy doesn't plan on surviving this one and nothing nick could say can change that. jake then finally attacks troy and nearly kills him but is stopped by nick which results in jake's death. again, nick stands by troy and doesn't want him to die. even though troy just led the horde towards the ranch and literally destroyed everything that they had built there and nick knows it. but he still can't give up on troy and jake has to pay for it.

almost everything troy does from now on in my opinion he does for nick. nick wants him to help save the ranch so troy helps him. not because he wants to or cares about anyone there but because nick wants him to help. so he does. and those couple scenes really are everything. troy has fun doing what he does and nick has fun too. they're both being crazy together and they are loving it. when they are saved by madison, strand and walker nick covers for troy and lies about the horde. he knows that if he'd tell what had really happened someone would snap and troy would most likely end up dead and nick can't have that so he lies. even though a couple episodes back he wasn't happy with madison when she did the exact same thing when lying about the trimbols.

i also couldn't miss the fact that when alicia says everyone deserves to carve something out for themselves in this life troy and nick exchange a very quick glance. it could mean nothing but you can't deny that they looked at each other when she said that. and then when they have their talk in the car comes troy's most famous line: "all right, you stayed at the ranch because you love me." i think it's meant as a joke but again, nick doesn't refute troy's statement and they both just chuckle. like nick admitted to alicia that he and troy may be similar, troy says the same to nick now. and like before, nick doesn't say anything against it. it's not just troy who thinks like that, nick himself already came to the same conclusion.

at the bazaar we then come to some of the most bizarre scenes ever when nick and troy get high together. this is another thing that troy does just for nick. he doesn't really want to get high and seems to be rather uncomfortable at the beginning but he still does it because of nick. nick does have to remind him though that he saved troy's life but in the end troy does it for nick. again. surrounded by the infected nick then confesses to troy that he doesn't want to go back with madison and troy comforts him and hugs him. he hugs him! this scene as well as the couple ones before when they were staggering around together, arms slung around each other's shoulder, are everything. they are definitely friends by now, rather close ones actually, genuinely care for each other, and i really love the place that their relationship is at in that moment.

the next day nick then informs madison that he and troy plan to stay at the bazaar. we don't know troy's opinion on this but i think he only stayed there because of nick but i'll talk about this later on.

when troy hears that the proctors plan to attack the dam he is the one to yank nick out of his stupor. i'm not entirely sure if he wants to help madison for nick's sake or because he still kinda likes her. but it is worth mentioning that back when nick joined the militia troy asked nick: "is madison okay with this?", while now he tells nick "your mother's in trouble". back then he says 'madison' while he now says 'your mother' which kinda strikes me as odd. to say 'your mother' is more personal and it feels like troy acknowledges the fact that madison is nick's mother and that's why they should go and save her. so he might be doing this for nick's sake because even though nick doesn't want to stay with madison she's still his mother and he still loves her so troy might wanna save her for nick. still, i'm not entirely sure.

while nick is questioned by daniel troy tries to reconnect with madison, at least it seems to me like that's what he's doing. like i said before i think that troy only stayed at the bazaar because of nick. and here's the reason why: he tells madison that the bazaar wasn't a good place for him and nick. he probably already realized that after the first night because how could he not but he still decided to stay there, all because of nick. so again, he did that for nick. he then confirms to madison that he and nick are indeed friends and to troy they are actually closer than friends, like brothers, and that he genuinely likes nick. when troy asks madison if they're good she says they are but i didn't believe her, not for a second. she needed too long for her answer and was too quick in changing the topic. at the same time daniel questions nick and again, nick lies for troy and covers him. but this is a different situation, this is daniel. nick knows what daniel can do but he still lies to protect troy.

in the end it's all for nothing though because madison is the one that finally kills him after finding out that he was the one who led the horde to the ranch. nick did everything he could to protect troy and then madison, nick's mother, is the one to actually take troy's life. nick does look horrified when she does it but i feel like he could've been a little more shocked. he just looks horrified, turns around and walks out of the room, and after that i was a little disappointed in him for not showing more emotions. later when nick and madison are hiding he then starts arguing with her about it but the argument was more about the fact that madison can just callously kill someone and not necessarily about her having killed troy. although when madison says she killed him for her kids, she made that call for them, nick tells her "not for me!", and i really liked hearing him say that because he seemed angry but also sad and hurt so he's obviously not okay with what she did. later when john asks him about troy and he says that troy's dead and his mom killed him he also sounds a bit accusing which i also loved to hear. the way john asked, "is your friend here, nick?", i loved that as well. it again solidifies that nick and troy were friends because nick answers the question without refuting the statement and saying that they weren't friends or something like that. so at least troy and nick both acknowledged that they were friends.

but of course we also cannot forget nick's suicide note. i really love the fact that he called it his 'suicide note' because that was a reference all the way back to his talk with troy and the rest of the militia when troy didn't want him to go all kamikaze on them. i see it as nick kinda honouring his friendship with troy when he calls it his 'suicide note' because nobody knows the story behind it but it's obvious what it means. i've heard people say that now that troy's gone nick's all suicidal and troy's not there to stop him like he did before. but i'm not sure. you can certainly interpret it as that because nick does seem to be rather disillusioned and he's definitely still grieving troy. there is however no other option at the moment if he wants his mom and sister as well as strand to survive so i don't think he's just suicidal because troy's gone. to me it seems like he's accepted his fate and made his peace with the fact that he would die and i think it would've been a great end for nick if they'd actually let him die there.

i will definitely miss them though because their dynamic was great and i really do think that nick could've helped troy become a better person. he'd never be a good person but he could've gotten better, if they had just given him a chance. as i said before, i really think that most of the things troy did after the horde he did for nick so i genuinely believe nick could've helped him be a better person.

[callmearcturus]

okay fine here is a collection of moments i love from LRHS

hey guys Arc did it again, she wrote so much her arm got a little messed up, so while I am trying very hard not to stress it more, I scrobbled through a chunk of LRHS to point out moments I like. These are vaguely in order, and all should have timestamps to the relevant part.

This is just Beta Kids/Trolls, I will do the Alpha Kids next because they are stone cold fucking perfection.

Terezi's dumb coin flip with the Narrator having fun too. SHE'S BLIND, REMEMBER?!

This is a small joke, but I love Terezi's delivery here, the AA joke.

This whole segment of Sollux talking to Terezi and then having to deal with Karkat's bullshit. The Sollux VA is honestly so fucking good it's ridiculous. KK DO NOT RUN THAT CODE!

KARKAT AND VRISKA, WHEN KARKAT GOES OFF ON ROMANCE FOR SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS. Oh my god. Also Vriska's VA is one of the many that puts in the fucking work and never had a bad line read, jesus fuck.

Okay one of my favorite things in LRHS is the Hivebent Narrator, because they do this little trick where every time they introduce a troll, they emulate that troll's way of speaking for just a moment. Kanaya is my fave.

Kanaya having to deal with Eridan's shit. 1. how the fuck is the Kanaya VA so consistently fucking excellent, 2. HOW THE FUCK DOES THE ERIDAN VA DO THAT WITH THEIR MOUTH? HOW.

Hussie-The-Character stuck in the fucking attic, bc Michael Guy Bowman did an incredible job honestly.

Okay into Act 5.2 now

Rose and Kanaya's 16th conversation. I.... honestly cannot get over the mad-on chemistry here. It's so good. Rose's VA frankly has chemistry with everyone, it's magic.

I need to give more props to Terezi, because what a fucking performance. Giving 100% all the time. Dave at the LOHAC Stock Exchange and Terezi bugging him, love it.

Okay enough bulletpoints for a moment because

THE FUCKING FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY MEMO. LEGENDARY.

This one is long and runs to the end of the video and it's just..... amazing. There's some shit that is delicious in hindsight, like the fact Karkat and Dave wind up together, like that does genuinely make the whole thing 10x funnier, but.

TG: not cool TG: luring me into your cyber boobytrap with shitty clip art who told you my weakness CG: IT'LL WORK, WON'T IT? TG: obviously

This is why Karkat is a good leader.

EB: what's so different about your romance? EB: what's a quadrant? how many do you have? TG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us TG: first of all weve got to be on record here as not giving a shit about that TG: second obviously theres gonna be 4 quadrants come on

Dave's exasperation with John being kind of a dumbass, incredible

also i'm sorry but karkat and dave laying into each other at 29:30 is MY LIFE

TG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time

CG: OH RIGHT, THE BIZARRE HUMAN ANATHEMA OF INCEST, I FORGOT. TG: oh my fucking god TG: please let this conversation not be taking place

legendary.

Rose vs Eridan, jesus fucking christ. "Consider this your first lesson in showmanship." Rose is INCREDIBLE, and Eridan hateflirting with literally everyone is my fave running joke.

honestly the above convo continues directly into Rose talking to Aradia and Nepeta, and honestly ROSE IS SO FUCKING GOOD SHE HAS MAD FUCKING CHEMISTRY WITH EVERYONE

Rose's goodbye to Jaspersprite, fucking end me, i tear up every fucking time, christ. This is a perfect combination of voice acting and music. Godddddddammit.

On the opposite emotional spectrum: Dave vs Equius. Equius rapping. Fuck. Equius is a better rapper/slam poet than Dave by far.

what if i just collect every conversation someone has with rose??? here is rose hasslin her brother.

holy fuck this conversation between karkat and jade

look this is where I'm going to go off on how good the Karkat VA is. they, like Rose's VA, read EVERY LINE like an individual unit. there is thought into every single delivery, and it's DELIGHTFUL. they make some hilarious choices, like I cackle out loud at "PLEASE GO ON, I AM LISTENING TO YOUR PROBLEM" every time.

"NOW, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS" i'm fucking crying, i love karkat, he's a fucking bitch and i love him SO MUCH.

the Karkat VA has more lines than every single other person in the fucking story, and they fucking BRING IT.

Karkat, Feferi, and Sollux. I love them all. I love Sollux and Karkat's friendship.

I keep going on about karkat but its hard not to, they have incredible chemistry with everyone. I have narrowed down my Favorite moment of Karkat's and its this one. Karkat and Eridan. Karkat has just lost his best fucking friend, and he goes The Fuck Off on Eridan and it's incredible. For all of Karkat's big talk, he's not a very violent person, so seeing him actually truly furious is amazing.

Dave and Aradia, because I...... love Aradia. I think Aradia is the best troll actually? Whoops. (Also the Dave VA can be a little inconsistent, but this log is VERY fucking good)

THIS IS A SMALL MOMENT BUT look This fucking moment, when the Beta Kids' narrator hands off to the Trolls' narrator, and they get to talk about Aradia as she finally feels fully alive, it GIVES ME EMOTIONS

another small moment, Jade is hilarious: "yeah, youre never gonna read this are you" fucking CHRIST

DAVE AND ROSE DAVE AND ROSE DAVE AND ROSE

okay i'm done for now. be back with Act 6 moments bc its the best act

[constellarations]

moon's wane - reki x gn!reader

reki's feeling down and you comfort him.

pairing: reki x gn!reader

warnings: sad reki :(

notes: hi

gift for: @hpalways

Reki was acting strangely today.

Actually, he’s been strange for the past week. Week! Why a week? Uh, you weren’t sure.

You wondered if he was possessed. Kyan Reki, a literal skateboarding-fanatic, had suddenly stopped skateboarding to school. Was this what parents called a phase?! An era, even?

He was unenthusiastic, and even when you offered to go skating with him, he declined and said he was busy.

Busy doing what? You munched on an apple angrily. Sure, you didn’t confess to Reki yet. And suuure, you had no idea if he liked you back or even cared about your feelings, but—!

“[Name].”

Okay, honestly, you didn’t even know if Reki was into you. His love for skateboarding probably overpowered any inch of… existence… that you had up in his (tiny) brain.

Silence.

And not to mention the fact that the two of you shared like— zero hobbies in common! What does writing and skateboarding allude to? Uh… poetry about a board? Hello?!

“[Name].”

You took another bite out of your apple, questioning the meaning of life and whether the way Reki spared you a glance for approximately 0.628 seconds meant that he was in love with you.

“[Name]!”

You flinched. Looking over to your side, where your ear was getting yelled at, you were met with the sight of Langa…

… Who had a very unamused expression.

“Did you have a fight with Reki?”

You were offended momentarily, taken aback at his sudden question.

“No?”

“You sound unsure.”

“I didn’t talk to him at all!”

“When was the last time you talked to him?”

Are you a therapist? A detective, even? You sweatdropped, unsure of how to answer.

“I don’t know… yesterday?”

Langa looked surprised. What was he expecting? For you to not talk to Reki for weeks? As much as you wished you could do that, Reki, unfortunately, had some kind of magnet around—

“So he’s sad because of another reason.”

“EH?! Are you saying he’d be sad because of me?”

Okay, now you were actually offended. Did Langa think Reki and you had some kind of bad blood? Hello… that’s a Taylor Swift song! Not your relationship!

“I don’t know.” Langa shrugged. You almost wanted to strangle him, but alas, you were not here to kill pretty boys. “He just seems… off.”

He does. You agreed silently. You were so used to a flamboyant and sunshine Reki, it was odd to see him so down in the dumps. In all honesty, you didn’t even want him to be down. You wanted Reki to be happy.

“I’ll go talk to him!” You stood up with newfound determination. Langa, on the other hand, could only watch you with his usual confused deadpan.

“[Name]-chan, do you even know where he is?”

You deflated slightly. If this were a K-Drama, you would’ve known. Ah, what was the title of that one show? Where they have this little alarm in their head when they come close to the one they love? Yeah, that was what you wanted to be. Though, if you were near Reki with that ability, you may have gone mad due to the repetitive alarm of your mind.

“No… I don’t. But I can find him! Just watch me!”

Langa let out a puff of air, mumbling something along the lines of “no thank you.”

A tick mark appeared on your forehead. The Canadian boy was lucky that he was cute, if he wasn’t, he would’ve been six feet (under)!

And then, you ran off. Leaving a very indifferent Langa and a bunch of questions sprouting in your mind.

Usually, you would find Reki somewhere like a skatepark— but obviously, he was possessed or whatever— so he wouldn’t be at such a place.

Your brain then became the size of the galaxy. His house! You made an abrupt turn, running for your bike that was parked before swiftly hopping onto it, pedalling away to the boy’s address.

Okay, actually, you were no stalker. So you had to pull your phone out to get directions… but let’s pretend that you knew based on instincts because of your undying love for the red-haired boy!

Coincidentally enough, there was a silhouette standing right outside the boy’s house. Squinting, you could barely make out the faint hue of crimson, matched with a very unfitting frown.

Reki. You pedalled a bit faster, desperation rocking each time you did. He’s sad? Why? He seemed to be looking quietly down at his skateboard. The scratches on the bottom represented all of his hard work, and yet, he didn’t look proud.

Finding your voice, you called, “Reki!”

You smiled brightly. It contrasted his solemn look as he glanced up at you instantly. Slightly, you could make out his lips curving up. Somehow, it managed to make your heart beat faster.

When Reki frowns (which was very rare), you would smile. If you could, you would give him every single smile that you’ve ever shown. All of them, any of them. You’d smile for him until your lips could not do so anymore.

Because whenever you were sad, he was there for you. It was only fair to do it back to him. If it were nature’s ecosystem, you supposed that Reki would be the rain and sun, giving you time to flourish. And in return? You’d promise to take care of this grand Earth while he cultivated it.

When did I suddenly become a poet? Your hands subconsciously braked, you suppose it was muscle memory. Docking the bike before hopping off, you walked slowly up to the boy with a small grin.

“[Name].” He seemed relieved when he saw you, and for a moment, it made your hopes fly high. It felt good to know that you were not the only one who was ecstatic over such a brief meeting.

“Want to walk around the town? There’s a new boba place that opened up! We should go together.” You decided to take his mind off of whatever was bothering him. You were no therapist, per se, but it was a start.

And surprisingly, Reki accepted your offer. Weirdly enough, he turned around to his porch before dropping off his skateboard. It confused you a bit— no, tremendously.

Deciding that the sport was the source of his worries, you decided not to pry. I’ll ask later.

With a warm face and a racing heart, the two of you walked off in the direction of the shop. It was odd not biking and him skateboarding, but a change of pace was nice every now and then.

“Hey, [Name]...” Reki kicked a pebble. You almost felt bad for the tiny rock. “Have you ever fallen behind in something you loved?’

Your eyes widened before your mind drifted off. Many times, actually. You were not invincible or a character that was protected heavily by plot-armor— you were just you… kind of average, kind of dumb, but at the end of the day, failure was common, wasn’t it?

“Yeah,” your voice quieted down, and for a second, Reki panicked.

“Sorry! Was that too blunt—?! I’m really sorry!”

You smiled.

“Don’t worry about it, Reki.” You could feel your face get hot, even under the cool Okinawa breeze.

“Actually, I fall behind a lot.” Looking down at your feet, you kind of wanted to sink into the floor. This is embarrassing! But seeing how distraught Reki was, you supposed that giving up your pride would be worth the smile he’d wear after.

“But everyone has different goals and minds. It’s not fair for me to compare myself to others…” You were tempted to give Reki a look as his lips seemed to be quivering.

“Hey, [Name]...” He spoke, stopping abruptly on the sidewalk. You paused, glancing over at him slowly.

“Can you… l-look away, for a bit?” He stuttered, face somehow turning red even under the dimming light. You wanted to question why, but the expression he had and the way his arm rubbed his eyes was enough of a response.

“Sure.” You turned around, refraining from doing the opposite and holding him while he cried. His sniffles grew louder and louder, even when he was making such an active attempt to dwindle them.

“I… I just…” His breath was shaky as he seemed to choke on his own words. “I don’t know what went wrong… what did I do?”

You did nothing wrong. You stayed silent. The male seemed to not need words of reassurance, instead, he only needed a listener.

“He started after me… b-but now I’m just a n...nobody. He’s so much better than me, in everything, anything.” He cried, sniffles turning into hiccups. Don’t cry. You wanted to turn around, but that would be a violation of his request.

So you stepped back. One, two. Counting, you finally felt a wall of fabric. The image of Reki’s yellow sweater popped up in your mind. Cute, you mused. He still wore it in times like these.

You could feel his breath stifle once your back met his. With the two of you facing away from each other, the warmth from his hoodie flourished like ink in water.

“Why do you skate, Reki?” You gazed at the sky. The moon is pretty tonight. The stars too, but right now, the stars reminded you of tears.

And it was then you realized that Reki was not the sun or the rain. He was the moon. Supportive, bright even in the darkest of times, and hidden. Reki was hidden behind prodigies like Langa and Miya, but even so, he was essential.

What would the sun do without the moon? Who would the sun step back for to lay down the burden of giving light? The sun gives for the moon to take, and the moon takes for the sun to give.

If you had looked, then Reki would probably be crying stars. Constellations would be trickling down his cheeks, and maybe, you could make out polaris with it. He could paint the galaxy with him and himself alone, he could do so much, and yet, he was not the sun.

No, he would never compare to the sun. The sun was a completely different essence in itself. It would be unfair to hold Reki up to Langa and expect them to be the same.

Reki was silent. You supposed that in this trek of inferiority, he had lost that essence— that galaxy. What was the reason he skates for? Why did he spend so many hours getting bruises and scratches?

Why did he do so much and expect so little in return?

“Because it’s fun,” he said confidently. If the moon was the sun, then it’d shine so brightly. If the moon was the sun, then the world would never have time to sleep. There would be no way to see the stars, or the constellations in the sky, or Venus and Mars.

With those three words alone, you could feel Reki’s breath speed up. He turned around, resting his hands gently on your shoulders as you could feel his smile alone.

“It’s fun! Skateboarding is fun! It can be done anywhere, anytime—” His voice cracked due to just having cried, and you swore that fumes escaped his ears. You wanted to laugh slightly at his embarrassment, but decided to be benevolent and stay quiet.

“... and can be done with the ones you love.”

You froze. Love. What a strong word, what a broad word. What is love? What does it entail? How can one person want to devote their entire life to another? It was strange.

But you suppose that love is Reki. He is love, he is someone who you’d think about the second you woke up. Was that cheesy? Yes. But when you were a kid, you used to think that the moon was made out of cheese— so it works out. You were quite the poet, Shakespeare kinnie.

“Is that so?” You pretended to question, but Reki knew that you were just saying that to say it.

Reki was an anomaly. As much as you knew about him, and he knew about you, you never seemed to understand him. If it were anyone else, you were sure that they would not recover from a slump with just three words.

But Reki was not anyone else— he was not a nobody either. Reki was the moon and the definition of love, he was sunshine even though he was unappreciated. He was everything and anything.

It was strange, though. You two were only teenagers, and yet, you could envision a whole future with the red-head. Unrealistic. You wanted to scold yourself, but you couldn’t bring yourself to.

“[Name],” Reki called, and this time, he spun you around. He averted his amber eyes from your own irises, a light pout dusting his lips.

“Do you want to… skateboard with me?”

You sweatdropped. What a weird way to confess. Though, you had just concluded that Reki was an anomaly— so this was not that strange.

“Is that your way of asking me out on a date?” You smirked, but that wasn’t enough to mask the way your eyes widened in shock. You were both idiots, but you supposed that wasn’t a bad thing.

“No— yes! Yeah? Wait—” Reki short-circuited, unsure of his own choice of words. Now, he really was reprimanding himself for being such a dummy.

“Relax.” You patted his shoulder, smirk turning into a goofy smile. “If it is… then I accept.”

“R-Really?!” His mouth hung agape, and you could only deadpan.

“Were you expecting me to say no?”

“Well.. I wasn’t really expecting to get this far!” He managed to laugh, even with tear-stained cheeks and reddened eyes.

“Idiot.”

“Hey!”

[spacewizardtrek]

WARNING: This post will ruin you. Like Medusa; look at your peril.

But here is is. It’s the one you’ve all been waiting for.

Kirk bod appreciation #7: The RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL FACE. A highly technical and academic review.

This is a rather nebulous one. And not, on the face of it (pardon the pun) very philosophical, as it’s essentially about Kirk being stupidly pretty. This post probably will (it will) descend into just screaming and sobbing, but there will be, I promise, *some* meaningful insight into the meaning of ‘beauty’ and textual analysis of its role herein.

Beauty is subjective. But look at him. It’s not just being aesthetic, but it’s the *way* he’s aesthetic. Here I might repeat myself a bit, but stay with me. I may have mentioned before once hearing him described as ‘beautiful in the way women are often described as beautiful’. He is PRETTY. He is indeed often conveyed in the way the women stereotypically (not necessarily rightly) are on screen: perfect, smooth skin; soft, big eyes; luscious lips (his body is sensually curvaceous and furthermore it’s emphasised). He’s not androgynous though. He’s masculine. And yet I still sense what was meant in describing him as ‘beautiful in the way women are often described as beautiful’. He is a rather uncommon form of gender fuckery. He is a form of stereotype-subversion not commonly acknowledged. He seems to be everything at once, ALL THE GENDER; combines whichever traits he desires from those categories, and yet is undeniably a man and masculine whatever the ingredients. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, one might wonder. The fact of the matter is, that it IS. And it teaches us something.

The FUCK. nO. You are not allowed to be that pretty, and you are NOT allowed to look at her like that. We’re trying to have a SENSIBLE DISCUSSION here.

Sorry, that was a non-sequitur / nothing to do with what we learn by Kirk’s embodiment; I was just ambushed by my own gif. Only the control of a Vulcan. ONLY that could possibly withstand this onslaught. And even that won’t hold up forever AS WE WELL KNOW

God.

This is going well, as you can tell.

OK. So, it’s claimed he has Eyes and Stupidly Long Weakness-Inducing Eyelashes. You know, from all that fanfic that goes on about ‘big, sparkling eyes’ and him fanning his ‘long, copper eyelashes’. I mean, yeah right, tropey mc tropeface -

IT’S TRUE. HE IS LITERALLY AN ANIME PRINCESS.

There are some moments where he just BLINKS and, how to describe it...how does a BLINK have that effect. It’s NOT ALLOWED.

...I’m sorry. It IS allowed. All of it. I am not shaming you your beauty. Never change, Jim. Never.

OK. I’m ok. 3 pics down, we can get through this -

Oh you are joking. Stop.

I don’t understand how anyone can be so beautiful. Life is a lie. Reality is fake -

- you did NOT just turn your big anime eyes on Spock. You do know this is why he ran away to PURGE ALL HIS EMOTIONS?

And for that matter, you know when Kirk looks his most beautiful? Literally WHEN HE’S LOOKING AT SPOCK. Spock talks some bollocks and Kirk just sparkles like a fucking angel:

Unbelievable. But utterly undeniable.

Sigh. Moving on.

Oh - someone once suggested I talk about The Lips. Lips are so wonderful aren’t they. So many wonderful things they can do.

And Kirk’s. They’re there in every picture: perfect, rosy, soft and madness-inducing. My advice is just...don’t think about them. But since I’ve been asked to draw attention to them, well, you’ve just sealed your fate. Scroll down at your peril.

I WARNED YOU.

I am pulling NO punches.

I’ve seen this great meme going around:

Excuse me though....CUTE?

That’s the understatement of the 23rd century.

Try impossibly beautiful, mind and body: heart of solid gold, soul deep in love with you. Those eyes and all their passion burned into your memories a thousand times over, along with - maybe, suggestibly, idk I’m extrapolating from all the goddamn tension - even the one unforgettable time he laid between lily-white sheets and gave himself to you; every gift of the mind, body and soul - and your ostensibly-forced Vulcan conditioning, that completely ignored how incompatible one part of you was with it, caused so much dissonance that you thought the only possible course of action for you both to survive was to BREAK UP, tear yourself from this beauty and love and sweetness to PURGE ALL EMOTIONS because nothing, nothing equipped you for this; you were set up specifically to fail, and fail hard in the face of transcendental love and beauty by those who rejected such things and didn’t understand you and could never imagine this for you and who instead of helping your beautiful neurodivergent brain flourish taught you to repress and caused you pain and shame and Gol was so hard and Kirk was so sad, so very sad and depressed and hurt and yet he couldn’t stop loving you with a bond so strong he called to you across the stars and Gol was all for naught yet you still didn’t know how to live like this, it was torture, torture until the mind meld with the living machine flashed your BIOS and you knew, love.exe was suddenly running with no errors and he came after you and held you and you held hands and, and -

.

*sobbing*

.

just...give me a moment

.

YOU WONDER WHAT THE SUBTEXT (FRIKKIN’ MAIN TEXT) OF STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE WAS ALL ABOUT???

The pain?? The angst?? The two logical entities seeking contact, love, THIS SIMPLE FEELING? That fucking moment when spock walks on the bridge and the only way he can control himself is to be SUPER Vulcan, while his love gazes at him with those EYES, fucking huge and glittering and hurt and loving?? Is it so much a mystery what memories these two are carrying, what’s behind the searing tension???????

Love him. Love him Spock. Take him in your arms and love him. He’s for you. All for you. Fucking hell guys. The fuck. This movie.

.

ok.

ok I can do this

CAN U NOT

those damn eyes I swear

It’s obviously not all just superficial physical beauty. What IS beauty? Narratively we do sometimes find this ‘prettiness’ enhanced and emphasized like the old vaseline lens to set the tone of a scene (he’s vulnerable and delicate, or someone’s indeed in love with him so we see their ‘lens’ on him); but it is somewhat intangible and nebulous and changeable. I don’t think aesthetic beauty, if one deems it so, on its own, would be enough for the likes of Spock (indeed, no woman could charm him thusly); it's about something deeper. It’s about who he is. Who he is inside: the beautiful AND the imperfect. How his good and bad - how his ‘all’ -  chimes with Spock’s 'all’. The Enemy Within deals with this, and shows how Spock loves all of Kirk, wants him complete, with both his light and shadow. The beauty of all of us is this totality and variance, not one intangible quality.

I’ll bet Spock’s parents knew immediately. Can you imagine Sarek trying to be a total bitch over Kirk, having heard the rumours and just wanting to have one more thing to reject Spock over, immediately projecting onto Kirk as some blow-up pretty-boy and how Incredibly More Disappointing My Son Is for being Obviously In Love With Stupid Illogical Human Doll Face Bubble Butt Bimbo Captain, and Amanda’s like, stfu, let me remind you Kirk is actually a Fucking Amazing Highly Decorated Starship Captain who Saves Your Life and don’t you DARE resent him just because he’s got tits/ass/tum/lips that won’t quit and is obviously the freakin’ sun Spock orbits. Mr ‘I married a human but that was special because it was logical’ or some bullshit. How is Kirk an illogical choice? I mean literally, Spock is a Science Genius™ on the federation’s FLAGSHIP whose well-matched Genius Captain™ understands him, accepts him, brings the best out of him, helps him fulfil his whole potential and is in love with him in the deepest and purest way and will be his bonded soulmate for ALL OF TIME and that fucking sour-faced bih at the start of that ep, ffs.

Of course Amanda stays in touch with Kirk, adores the fuck out of him, sends him old Vulcan lit on t’hy’la bonds (yes sarek, a T’HY’LA bond, so revered freakin’ poets write about it) etc because frankly her son could do FAR FUCKING WORSE.

FAR. FUCKING. WORSE.

Don’t...just don’t slip the bod into the equation, the face is enough for one post. We’re all in therapy for this already, let’s not relapse.

Oh, what’s the use. I’m gonna die. This is it. This is like the Monty Python joke that is so funny it kills you. This man is lethal. I need to stop this thread and purge all my emotions

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That’s it. I’m dead. You’re dead. We’re all dead.

I hope, however, seeing this post was worth it. See you at Gol everyone.

.

.

The Forbidden Texts, DO NOT READ:

Kirk bod appreciation #6: The Curves. The Front. The...chest. AND THE AMAZING GREEN WRAP

Kirk bod appreciation #5: The Paws

Kirk bod appreciation #4: The Curves. The Back. Poetry in motion.  

Kirk bod appreciation #3: Season 3 (Part 1)

Kirk bod appreciation #2b: The Gluteus Maximus

Kirk bod appreciation #2a: The Gluteus Maximus

Kirk bod appreciation #1: The Tum

[littlenahsstuff]

In love, I swear.

A/n Literally my first time writing actual fanfiction. This might be a flaming dumpster fire idk. I will persevere and cringe later, but for now, enjoy.

supreme!Cordelia Goode x reader

TW:nothing much, just a big old fluffernutter sandwich. A little angst. Swears I guess.

Synopsis: Cordelia has just recruited you to be a counselor at Robicheauxs and it's safe to say you are head over heels for the supreme. Unfortunately, you aren't the one to tell her.

You always thought that you weren't too special of a witch, you had the basic witchy spells down and specialized in the people who struggled on the inside... but in a more witchy sense. You also helped the witches who needed to get their powers more developed or who ones that are just behind in school. A sort of glorified counselor you suppose. It's sorta funny, especially since you aren't the most confident, how you can talk to all of the girls. When it boils down to it you are just a witchy gal searching for love. Specifically Cordelia's. It could never happen though.

Your love life wasn't the only area you lacked in before Robicheauxs, you had been struggling to find a job suited for your interests. Let's just say that you have a lifetime ban from one of the Mcdonalds in Louisiana. Fire and grease doesn't mix.

Of course, if it wasn't for dear, sweet, precious, Cordelia, you would be living on the streets. Luckily that didnt happen and so here you are today, three months in to your teaching position at Robicheauxs.

Oh, the moment, "You're hired. I look forward to expanding the academy's family and getting to know you better especially," left the Supremes lips, the better off you were.

And yet, even with all of the joy that comes with finally getting paid, there were the challenges as well. For starters, everyone was extremely nice to you, even though you kept mostly to yourself, there was this one person that made this heaven more hellish. Madison the bitch witch Montgomery.

You had been warned by Zoe, your closest confidante in this new place and also Madisons freaking girlfriend, that she was no pleasant peach. Never in all of your doubtful thoughts, had how bad it actually was crossed your mind. It was never the cockiness that got to you, you had a different appreciation for it than most. Found the confidence refreshing almost. No, no no no no. It was in fact, that she was constantly trying to dig up dirt on you.

"You're too much of a goody two shoes y/n," she once stated with a glare. The same day you had heard Zoe squabbling about something and your name came up. Your name and the fact Madison had stolen your wallet to look at your license. It turned up later on your bed stand.

Madison's a lover of Zoe and drama you've come to find out.

It's harmless though really, you dont mind the extra bit of attention that comes with it. Its flattering so no need to complain to anybody, especially not Cordelia.

Cordelia, mmm, yeah now shes the biggest threat here. She is the reason you got this job and might be the reason you lose it.

She once caught you with your doodle journal. It was a harmless question,

"Y/n, what're you drawing?" She looked over your shoulder. You almost jumped out of your skin and your sketchbook went flying.

"Oh dear, are you alright?" She worried her lips a bit. Her big, plump, kissable lips. Come on Y/n, get out of it.

"Yes," you squeaked. Sinking farther into the sofa. She chuckled her beautiful chuckle and sat on the couch arm.

"So, what was my favorite school counselor drawing just then?" She questioned. Glancing to the thrown book.

Your face went red.

"Uh-" you paused, come on you're making it a bigger deal than it has to be, "you." You couldn't look into her eyes.

She gazed at you at you and it felt like a hole was being burned into your skull.

"Okay," Cordelia said, leaving it at that. Stood up and made to walk away.

"Wait!" She paused and turned back to you, seeing you scramble to get your sketchbook.

"Yes?" Her eyebrows raised in surprise.

"I- don't you want to see it?" You said and you slapped yourself mentally for about the hundredth time she walked in.

She smiled softly at you, "Of course, I thought you didn't. You looked scared to death, like bambi."

"Okay," you flipped back towards the page and cringed. It wasn't your best peice. You could never capture her beauty right.

Her eyes scanned over it, widening before squinting with her grin.

"It's so good!" She gasped.

"Yes, that is Cordelia Goode," you joked in a monotone manner. She slapped your shoulder jokingly, making you snort.

"You nerd, I didn't mean it that way. Either way, you did a fantastic job! I wished I looked as good as you make me seem," she muttered the last bit, bit you heard it. It saddens you to remember the damage Fiona did.

"Hey, Cordy," you started. You realized that you used a nickname that Madison did, but she doesn't seem to care.

"You know what I think? I think that you're wrong. You see I just can't for the life of me get your soft proud loving smile right. Your eyes aren't as warm and glowing as they are in reality. I couldn't manage to picture the right placement for those worry lines or crowd feet you have. You might not like them, but to me they show that you worry and care and that you laugh at the stupidest of things, which is a trait I adore. You are more perfect than any Davinci or Van Gogh," you say. You don't like when your friends feel bad about themselves.

Cordelia's tearing up a bit and wiles it away. "Didn't know you were a goddamn poet too?" She joked with a giggle, "thanks y/n, sometimes I need to hear something like that."

"No problem Cordelia," I can't help it, you're my muse, is what you want to say.

"Well, I have some paperwork, but it was nice to see ya," she hurriedly excused and rushed out.

Unbeknownst to you, Madison was watching. She knew exactly how to get dirt on you now. She had something all along.

The next week you spent daydreaming about Cordy...elia, you couldnt help but go back to that conversation. You needed to be more discrete, way more descrete.

So you made sure to draw your crush no more. That didn't change the fact you forgot to destroy the evidence in writing.

You had slept in a little too late, so in a rush you were to get to your office. The reason you had being you daydreaming about Cordelia and yours faux life together a little too long.

A bunch of new juicy stuff for Madison as she snatched it from your bedside table. It was too easy really.

She opened it up to the first page. It acted like a normal diary, just stating checklists of things to do and things you did. The size was fairly large, so skipping a few pages till she got to the juicy stuff and the part where you actually did know Cordy wasn't harmful.

It was a barf fest of emotion. "Oh Cordelia is so awesome, oh I'm so lucky to work with Cordelia, oh my, I won't ever get a chance with Cordelia, she's the supreme!"

"Ew," Madison groaned, whipping out her phone.

Then she found it, the goldmine of confessions. It was all the way in the back, meaning you had wrote it recently.

"Dear, myself

Cordelia today caught me drawing a picture of herself and said something I didn't particularly enjoy listening about herself. I can't believe Fiona would send her into such a deep hatred of herself that even with her gone she's hurting. She's no mother. Cordelia is the love of my life, even if I'm not hers, she deserves all the love I can give. She's not broken, but she just needs someone to love her and I do. I promise to give her as much love as possible without her finding out what kind it really is, I'm in love, I swear.

Sincerely, Y/N."

So she snapped a picture of the page.

After school was over Cordelia was not expecting Madison to barge into her office. Let alone with something regarding YOU of all people.

"Cordy, I've got something to tell you about y/n!" Madison sang out, waving her phone in front of Cordelia's face as she sat on top her desk.

Madison was just careless with others and too carried g about herself. It was the perfect storm. The only person who could ever take it too far to just prove a point. That there was something wrong with you.

If Madison Montgomery had taken one moment to actually think about it, she was just jealous. Jealous that another person at the coven was better than her to Cordelia. She was one spoiled bitch growing up. Guess it backfired.

"What?" Cordelia questioned in concern, "Is she okay? Madison what did you do to her!?" Her thoughts raced, Madison's pranks often went a little too far. She did kill Misty.

"Now now Cordy, don't get your panties in a twist. Here read this," Madison demanded to her supreme, she shoved it into her face and Cordelia grabbed it.

Her eyes expected headlines on the news or a mugshot, but she realized it was just your writing.

"Madison," she warned.

"Come on, I know you can read!" Madison poked Cordelia's forehead, prompting a slap from the Supreme.

Ms. Goode exhaled, "Fine."

Her eyes fluttered over the words, brows furrowing with every sentence. She couldn't comprehend, could she read?? It seemed to her as if her brain was creating what she wanted to see, but no, you wrote it. Unfortunately.

Everything's silent. Then the thought flits across her head, you like her back.

"In love, I swear."

Oh she's mad. Not at you, no, she could never. Madison on the other hand better,

"Get out of my office right now," Cordelia whispered. Madison's smile faltered.

"What, didn't you want to know your feelings are reciprocated? Come on, I'm just trying to get you two to speed up the process." Madison hopped of the desk and sauntered out.

What has she done.

Cordelia was wracked with guilt for awhile, with no way to tell you either. How does one even go about telling someone they read their deepest darkest secrets. How!?

She couldn't, so she did what she could. She pulled away from you and into her work. All of those lunches spent together stopped. The nights in the green house gone. Reading together on the weekends by the fire, gone.

And it left you empty. You had no idea what you did, but you must've done something.

So you decided to confront her, you hadn't gone much sleep since, so you were literally and figuratively tired of all of this shit.

Your knock on the door startled Cordelia, but your presence startled her even more. Both of you looked like wrecks.

"Oh, Y/n! Please, come in," Cordelia gestured and you did, closing the door behind you.

It was then that you finally broke down.

"What did I do Delia!?" You sobbed, falling to your knees. Yes it was dramatic and not even you expected it but you were holding your emotions for so long.

"Oh," Cordelia briskly moved over to you, concern painted on her face. She was watching you carefully, you looked so fragile. Just like she had felt at times.

"I'm sorry," you whimpered, "What did I do?" Her hand tilted your head towards her, but you still couldn't look into her brown eyes, opting for the floor. If you did, you probably wouldn't be able to look away.

"Y/n look at me sweetie," the nicknames never failed to make your heart soar. It was your weakness, your eyes met and they were glued there.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing nothing!" She took a deep breath, "I saw a page from your journal."

You froze, terror crept up your spine.

"Oh my god. Um Cordelia I am so sorry, you, wow I- god I'm so creepy! It's perfectly fine if you want to not be my friend or fire me. I didn't do it to be weird, it was how I expressed myself. I was trying to hide it I promise, i dont even know what happened!?"

"I'm gonna kill Madison, faster than my mother did," Cordelia groaned.

"Wh-" your brain malfunctions. Is-Is Cordelia kissing you? Right now?

Indeed she was and just like you dreamed about, her lips were so soft and her kiss gentle.

Maybe Madison could be forgiven... but not without a harsh talk.

"In love, I swear," she repeated in a whisper against your lips.

[thebirdandhersong]

The Year So Far Book Ask

Tagged by @madamescarlette <3 thank you, darling!! (I DO SO LOVE TO TALK ABOUT BOOKS!!!!)

1. Best book you have read in 2021 so far?

HOW can I answer that!!!! Here is a top 10 because I cannot narrow it down!!

Middlemarch: read it twice this year (liked it the first time, LOVED it the second time)

David Copperfield: my new favourite Dickens. There is a lot of joy and compassion at the heart of this book, and I Loved it very much.

The Mill on the Floss: can’t explain the feeling I got from reading this book (tbh if you know, you know!! It warms your heart but it also makes you want to stand in the rain and cry)

The Queen of Attolia: a roller coaster. Very overwhelming. Was incredibly Shocked many times. (Also, who’d have thought?? Gen??? In LOVE??? Fantastic in concept and in execution)

The Adventures of Sally: a new favourite Wodehouse. You will laugh so hard tears will spring to your eyes.

Night Watch: this one stuck a knife in me and twisted..... but in a good way.

Anne of the Island: much-needed comfort read!!!

Leave it to Psmith: another new favourite Wodehouse. Modern rom-coms wish they could do rom-com like Psmith, Eve, and the umbrella that was Definitely Not His.

The Penderwicks at Point Mouette: A DELIGHT (speechless!!)

The Penderwicks on Gardam Street: ALSO A DELIGHT (still speechless!!)

2. Best sequel you have read in 2021 so far?

Ohohoho. All the Discworld sequels. (Especially A Hat Full of Sky, Night Watch, Thud!, I Shall Wear Midnight.)

Also, The Queen of Attolia. That book decimated me. Admittedly no one’s emotions are very stable at two in the morning, but I was an absolute Wreck that night (morning?).

3. A new release you want to check out?

I am behind on the times so my idea of ‘new’ is rather skewed.... I still really want to read Spin the Dawn, The Goblin Emperor, and Spinning Silver. And am making my way through Queen’s Thief.

4. Most anticipated book release of the second half of the year?

I... don’t follow new releases that much, to be honest. I am currently looking through the lists and don’t see anything I recognise s;lfdjsdlk;

5. Biggest disappointment?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I knew how it was going end, but i was still mad. (These days I like books with a hefty amount of Hope and that one.... definitely did not have that.) I also read Tess of the d’Urbervilles for the first time and remember being just... really frustrated with all the characters and about the lack of Hope in that one, too. I was also hoping to love I Capture the Castle and was a bit grumpy about the second half of the book!!

6. Biggest surprise?

The books I read because my friends loved them!! Such as The Blue Castle (Eden), The Man Born to be King (Magpie), Gourmet Hound (Eden), Queen’s Thief (Fran), Blandings Castle/Psmith (Rebekah), Discworld (I think I started reading it for the first time because of Fran as well)...... I also reread a bunch of old favourites (Lord of the Rings and a few Jane Austens) and they were even better than I remembered!! Which was just wonderful!! (though not very surprising, I guess!!)

7. Favourite new author (either new to you or debut)?

MEGAN WHALEN TURNER. I also have a new appreciation for P.G. Wodehouse (after crashing through all of his Jeeves books and most of the Blandings Castle audiobooks) and Terry Pratchett (after bulldozing through a good number of Discworld books, most of them two or three times) and Georgette Heyer (read my first few Heyers this year and had SUCH a blast).

8. Favourite new fictional crush?

In general: Ik-jun from Hospital Playlist (He’s not from a book sksfjkl ;sdfj k I wanted to mention him because I just love him a Lot)

In terms of books: Sam Vimes (sdlkfjs;kls) and Henry Tilney (I loved him before, but this year cemented him as one of the top, if not The Favourite Austen hero in my heart). I don’t know if Gen counts, because I feel very friendly towards him, and alternate between wanting to make soup for him and wanting to bonk him on the head with a cardboard tube.

Mal (from S&B) had some Really Good lines, too. Especially in the last chapter of Ruin and Rising.

9. Newest favourite character?

A whole PLATOON of them. Sasha and Lysander from @magpie-trove​‘s story, Beatrice and Romeo from @imissthembutitwasntadisaster​‘s story, Emilia and Lily from @itspileofgoodthings​‘s stories, Tiffany Aching, Granny Weatherwax, Helen and Irene and Costis from Queen’s Thief, Dorothea and Maggie from George Eliot’s books, Sally from The Adventures of Sally....

10. A book that made you cry?

Literally cried so many times this year over all sorts of stories. But a few off the top of my head:

The Penderwicks (all of them): cried from sheer joy!!!

Seven for a Secret: there are so many lines in the most recent chapters alone that brought tears to my eyes.

The Keys of Fire: which is The definitive Fairy Tail fanfic for me. I just love this story so much. And i was surprised all over again by the forgiveness and the love and the grace and the healing in this story this time around!!

The Queen of Attolia/The King of Attolia: cried out of surprise and joy at nearly all the Gen/Irene scenes (not the beginning ones sl;fksdsdlfk jd but my heart did a great leap when Gen remembers seeing Irene dance)

Ruin and Rising: cried at the ending. Also because I was so happy. (There is no such thing as an ordinary love!!!)

Crooked Kingdom: cried at what Kaz did for Inej (couldn’t help it. That moment was beautiful)

(It has been quite an emotional year. The waterworks are triggered by the smallest things. But I’m happy to say that I’ve cried out of happiness mostly in the book department.)

11. A book that made you happy?

(Nearly all of them tbh!!! I have so many new favourite books from this year’s reading list alone!!!)

The Penderwicks series. Was in bliss for the whole week. I was also incredibly happy listening to the Discworld audiobooks, and reading new installments of Emilia and Seven for a Secret and The Stars Hold No Part In This!!! All the Wodehouse and Heyer books I read were delightful.... David Copperfield was so full of joy and grace and it made me want to prance in a field. All of the Anne books I reread were comfort reads. And of course The Keys of Fire, which kept me smiling for hours: I feel like a kid being handed an ice cream cone with three scoops and a cherry on top whenever I read it. Incredibly happy.

12. Most beautiful book you have bought or received this year?

The second-hand Vintage Classics Jane Austens!! :’) especially Northanger Abbey, which was in Excellent condition. Very floppy (unlike the longer Austens..... alas for Mansfield Park, which is harder to flip through) and fits comfortably in my hands.

And the Tundra Classics edition of Anne of the Island. (I liked the way the paper felt and the text was a really nice font and size!)

13. What book do you need to read by the end of the year?

OOH TONS. I’m still reading Anna Karenina (stopped because I thought: I need a happy story right now). Would love to keep reading Queen’s Thief (I’m taking it slow because they’re books that should be savoured), make some headway in Dorothy Sayers’s Lord Peter Wimsey books, read more Georgette Heyer, start on The Goblin Emperor and a Bunch of books I've been meaning to read for a while (The Eagle of the Ninth, Piranesi, Phantom of the Opera, Surprised by Joy, Crime and Punishment, War and Peace are the main ones. This is an ambitious list but I’d like to read at least two of them before the year is out sl;kffdksl;dfjslk;)

tagging: @imissthembutitwasntadisaster​ @soldier-poet-king​ @septembersung​ @lady-merian​ @called-kept​ if you would like to!! And YOU, if you think it looks fun and want to give it a try!! :D

[feysandfeels]

Bless that T Swift/SJM crossover anon!! Can I add some other ones?!

The 1 - Chaol & Celaena after she’s Aelin again (or Chaol & Nesryn.....poor Chaol)

The Last Great American Dynasty - more like the Last Great Terrasen Dynasty lol

My Tears Ricochet - Aelin @ Arobyn

Mirrorball - Lysandra

Mad Woman = AELIN

The Lakes - Aelin talking about Rowan when she’s tired of it all

Not my (Chloe Ting sponsored) ass realizing just now that the original anon meant all the sjm pairings, but since I’m deep in the acotar trash atm I only made those. 

ACOTAR I & II

Apologies jeje. 

Manorian: generally speaking they have such reputation vibes. Immaculate record for immaculate couple.

... Ready for it? - “But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom Holdin' him for ransom” // “Younger than my exes but he act like such a man, so I see nothing better, I keep him forever Like a vendetta-ta” // “You should see the things we do, baby In the middle of the night, in my dreams I know I'm gonna be with you So I take my time Are you ready for it?”. Listen do I really need to explain this or do we all just see it?. This song has the electricity, the sexyness, the roughness, the daring aspect that makes manorian be the GOD tier couple that they are. 

I’d Lie - Right, bare with me  but I will lol at this forever because Manon is basically “And I could tell you his favorite color's green He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes And if you asked me if I love him, I'd lie”. It’s such a weird song to associate with them but it fits her so well hahahahaha because my girl lives in such denial that I just can’t hahahahahahaaha and like “I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine” this is MANON FOR DORIAN ALL THE TIME, and everyone is like but we see you wanting him so just do something about it!!!

Rowaelin

Willow - this screams Rowan looking at Aelin: “Wherever you stray I follow I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans That's my man”. He straight up left Maeve and the blood pact thingy they had for the blond girl he met three months prior. Also “Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark Show me the places where the others gave you scars Now this is an open-shut case Guess I should've known from the look on your face Every bait and switch was a work of art”, this speaks of the vulnerability shared through HoF about their scars and of Rowan realizng that every step he took was so he would met her. Willow is Rowan’s song for Aelin. 

The Lakes- LET HER GO TO TERRASEN WHERE ALL THE POETS WENT TO DIE, LET HER STAY SO THAT WISTERIA GROWS AROUND HER FEET BECAUSE SHE HASN’T MOVED IN YEARS. 

Elorcan

Hoax - the balance of the deep betrayal and the love, the hurt and the I would choose you again all of the nuances of Lorcan’s betrayal and the shattered illusions that speak of them even in their absences, are in Hoax: “Stood on the cliffside Screaming, "Give me a reason" Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would dI believe in Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do”.

Lysandeon

Paper rings- “The wine is cold Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street Cat and mouse for a month or two or three Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe”. This song matches their energy so well even if the lyrics don’t all offer exact parallels. They did however play cat and mouse for a month or two or three. “I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want” Lysandra being accustomed to the finer things in life but she would slum it for Aedion; she is here for thick and thin.

Nesraq: 

Gorgeous - “Of your magnetic field being a little too strong And I got a boyfriend (Chaol), he's older than us He's in the club (palace) doing, I don't know what (Yrene....) You're so cool (Sartaq really is the coolest), it makes me hate you so much (I hate you so much)” // You make me so happy (dude Nesryn loves spending time with him and he feels valued), it turns back to sad (fuck what about Chaol.. we promised each other it give it ago), yeah There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have (because he’s the prince and I’m not royal) You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad”.

Chaorene: 

Dancing with our hands tied - even if the lyrics don’t create perfect parallels, I think the main theme of the song being two people that want to be together, but feel their relationship has a lot of baggage would fit them well. Yrene has to get over her hate for Adarlan (even though she has every every every right to hate Adarlan) and Chaol has to get over *himself*. “I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche? And say, say that we got it I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted”.

 Sam x Celaena:

I know places - them trying to run away so they could find a safe place to be in love? indeed. Me crying right now because they never got to? you bet: “'Cause they got the cages, they got the boxes And guns They are the hunters, we are the foxes And we runBaby, I know places we won't be found and They'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down Cause I, I, I, I know places we can hide, I, I (...)”.

Dorian x Celaena: 

The Way I loved you - To Dorian from Aelin... with love, friendship love that is. Because she recognizes the potential in him, in them, she knows he would be good to her and she knows that she indeed fell for him hard enough to want him for herself, but it just doesn’t feel like *that* anymore.

Red - From Dorian’s perspective: “Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly”// “Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted Was right there in front of you Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words To your old favorite song Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword And realizing there's no right answer”. They were literally a crash and burn. But neither of them can actually bring themselves to regret it. It was fun while it lasted and in its way it brought them closer. 

Chaol x Celaena: 

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - self explanatory, this is them through QoS. My Celorian ass is here for this pettiness I will take no criticism.  

Forever and Always - “Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide Like a scared little boy I looked into your eyes Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure So here's to everything coming down to nothing Here's to silence, that cuts me to the core Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore” This was essentially Chaol’s thought process wondering why him an Celaena don’t work anymore and feeling like... a “we were supposed to be together 5ever what happened.... besides me not doing much to prevent her bff’s death and working for the dude that orchestrated the murder of her nation ?”

August - if I’m being honest this song fits them too not my fave song from folklore being for my least favorite couple in this story but if I gave Feylin some of my all time favorites I can give this one to them, but like “But I can see us lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine And I can see us twisted in bedsheets August sipped away like a bottle of wine 'Cause you were never mine Your back beneath the sun Wishin' I could write my name on it” Even though Chaol was ready to leave it all for her (he would literally cancel plans.. his life plans in case she’d call) she knew that this was an impossibility, their time was brief and it slipped away like a bottle of wine. She could never be his, because she was not entirely herself with him being Aelin meant opening up a lot of things and if Chaol had a hard time getting past a lot of Celaena’s traits then we can imagine the work, literally work he would have to do to accept Aelin... you know what, we don’t have to imagine it... it’s right there in QoS and ToD, anywho, he could never write his name on her back because she was never his, because he did not accept her for all that she was. 

Aelin x Dorian x Chaol: 

Long live - “I  said, remember this moment, in the back of my mind The time we stood with our shaking hands The crowds in stands went wild We were the kings and the queens” // “Will you take a moment? Promise me this That you'll stand by me forever But if, God forbid, fate should step in And force us into a goodbye If you have children some day When they point to the pictures Please tell them my name Tell them how the crowds went wild Tell them how I hope they shine Long live the walls we crashed through I had the time of my life, with you” // I’m emotional right now and I need to cry it out.

I’m not 100% sure on the Chaoyrene one... but I think it’s good enough for me to post this hahaha

Anywho, I hope whoever asked for this enjoyed it 💛💛

[arthoure]

Gawain and the Green Knight

In honor of the movie, I’m liveblogging my reread of “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight”! How long can one poet go on about a giant glowing green man who is somehow inexplicably sexy? YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED.

So first off, I’m rereading the Tolkien translation because I wanted a hard copy and that’s the one I already own. The full book is Sir Gawain and the Green Knight; Pearl; Sir Orfeo by J.R.R. Tolkien if you want to ask your local bookstore to order it in for you; it’s a collection of three short story poems. I like Tolkien’s translations because he’s careful to keep the Old English meter, which is a kind of complex technique of mixed rhythms and alliteration that I’ll try to get deeper into later. (He actually wrote a lot of LotR in Old English meter. Try reading Theoden’s charge out loud if you’re curious; it’s cool!) You can see some of it here, starting the story with images of betrayal right off the bat:

Something I liked about the movie trailer was that it looks like it’ll be leaning deep into the fantastical, which is very true to the source. Lots of Arthuriana has magic, but Green Knight really doesn’t hold back. It makes sure to let you know right away that Arthur’s realm is a weird place where weird stuff happens. (It’s also very nationalistic, “Oh, Britain is the coolest place, founded by the Romans, no cooler place than Britain” -- okay gawain poet, jesus.)

So what happens in the first ten pages of the story? Basically we go on about how great and weird the area is, then we’re told that it’s Christmas/New Year’s and King Arthur is throwing a massive feast. There are a lot of really fun details! There were a bunch of tournaments and jousting, dancing every night, super long dinners with a zillion courses of food, and even -- something that personally struck me, because it’s not something we really associate with the Middle Ages in a modern understanding -- descriptions of people laughing. Once we’re told about all the partying and feasting, which goes on for days nonstop (very normal for religious feasts at that time! I’m jealous), Arthur decides he wants something exciting to happen and his wish is immediately granted when a massive, glowing, green man on a giant green horse rides said green horse right into the middle of his hall.

Before we get to the Green Knight himself, I really like depictions in the text of Arthur as the "boy king" -- he took the sword from the stone so young, and even after all these years and battles, has he ever really grown up? Is he like this because of the trauma of war, or the influence of power? Possibly both? But that boyish enthusiasm makes him personable, relatable, and it’s something his subjects seem to really like about him. Despite all his power, Arthur doesn’t seem to think he’s better than anyone else, and you don’t really see that in kings.

He’s also the original Drama King. This story goes on to say that it’s his custom not to eat at feasts until something nuts happens to entertain him first. This was the detail that really made me fall in love with the story; this ridiculous idea of the great King Arthur having almost these Mad King moments where he routinely refuses to eat until his banquet is awesome enough. Are these more indications of his childishness? Are they supposed to indicate that such a great king requires great feats alongside the normal parts of life? Idk but it always strikes me as funny.

Right on cue, the Green Knight busts in. And I had forgotten HOW MUCH TIME the author devotes to making sure we all know how huge and sexy he is??? It seriously goes on for like 3 pages. Looks like monsterfucking is a venerable tradition going back hundreds of years, etc. (Unrelated but I also like the use of "portal" in that first sentence there, below--meaning “door,” but it also invokes the idea of this fairy man appearing from a magical dimension.)

Besides the descriptions of the Green Knight's physicality there's also a FULL PAGE about what he's wearing, and as a romance writer I have a lot of thoughts about this. Yeah we're emphasizing his wealth & marvel, but the "trim hose tight-drawn...that clung to his calves"?

The sparknotes of his outfit: -Literally everything is green, like his skin and hair, except where it’s embellished with gold. -He doesn't wear shoes! I DON’T KNOW WHY AND IT BUGS ME. -His clothes are embroidered with motifs of birds and flies. Maybe that has something to do with what he's carrying? BECAUSE... The text emphasizes he's not dressed for battle and carries no weapons, bearing the a holly branch and axe instead in an interesting contrast. The story takes place at Christmas so the holly is in season: life and beauty where most plants are dormant. But the axe has the power to end that life.

That’s where I stopped for the day but I’ll be back for another 10 pages later!

[historic-old-guard-lover]

The emperor has to be god-king Andy. Also like since nicky and Joe obv have to have the lovers why not have andy and quyhn kissing as the empress.

Another related ask (potentially by the same person):

Also since the fool is a journey's beginning I'd almost want to pick Nile for it. As well there are four characters who commonly have swords (or an axe but close enough) and cards have four corners. So one sword each corner, nicky, joe, andy, and quyhn.

So. Someone has good ideas. Here’s the post that prompted these asks. This made me pull out my tarot deck and go through the cards. Below the cut is a break down of the entire tarot deck. There will be an explanation of the (standard) interpretation of the cards, good then less good, and then my associated headcannon (or more than one if I couldn’t decide). The source is my experience with tarot. I’m trying to minimize repeats, but historic and modern Old Guard members are counted separately. Enjoy.

The Major Arcana (aka the cards most people have heard about)

0. The Fool - the seeker. Naivety. Courage. Living in the moment. Journey’s beginning. All paths available. Folly. Apathy.

Nile. Anon convinced me. Though Booker has got the folly, apathy, and madness down, Nile is ultimately the beginning. She’s naïve but headstrong, and quite frankly a perfect match.

I. The Magician - the trickster. Power, skill, talent. Mastery, self-control, willpower. Subtlety. Divine connection and inspiration. Self-reliant.

Modern Nicky. Definitely Nicky. Just. He’s a formerly very religious man who just says these things. Also sniper.

II. The High Priestess - the moon goddess. Intuition, wisdom, foresight, divination, prophecy. Enlightenment, understanding, intelligence, education. Pride, emotional instability, unforgiving.

Historic Quynh. Her name means “night-blooming flower”, which is very moon goddess vibes to me. Also, I’d say over 500 years in a box turns understanding and enlightenment into emotional instability and unforgiveness.

III. The Empress - the queen. Feminine power, matriarch, mother. Fertility, pleasure, beauty. Success, evolution, movement. Marriage, wealth. Overattachment, domestic upheaval, delay.

Quynh. The counterpart to Andy’s emperor card.

Nile. Let’s be honest, she’s going to take over from Andy some day.

IV. The Emperor - the king. Masculine power, patriarch, father. Authority, leadership, proficiency. Wealth, stability, effectiveness. Perseverance, logic, endurance, experience. Lack of ability, weak character, immature, rebellious.

Modern Andy. She is the leader who’s short-comings effect her entire team. And who doesn’t love a little gender bending? (and her film look is already soft butch)

V. The Hierophant - the religious leader. Tradition, convention, ritual symbolism. Ceremony, religion, morality, philosophy. Mercy, goodness, forgiveness, humility, vulnerability, Impotence, Religious tyranny.

Historic Nicky. I mean, former priest (enough said).

Historic Andy. “I was once worshipped as a god” (enough said).

VI. The Lovers - the lovers. Love, attraction. Compatibility, harmony, choice.  Triumph over trials, vacillation. Entanglement, enmeshment. Infidelity, moral lapse, vice, separation, quarrels, inadequacy, failing tests.

Andromaquynh. *peeks out from behind barricade* I know that most people would just put Kaysanova as this card, but look at all the negatives it is associated with. Sounds a lot more like our immortal wives can really cover the gamut. They have the range....I am a sucker for Kaysanova, though. Even though the beginning of their relationship is rocky, I’d like to think it’s been fairly constant over the years. But let’s reverse the uhaul lesbians and fickle gay men tropes! Sorry, Book of Nile fans. That ship just isn’t established enough for this, I’d say. Maybe one day?

VII. The Chariot - the journey. Ordeal, obstacles, competition. High stakes, ambition, discipline. Conquest, victory, greatness. Right action prevails, overwhelming odds, sudden defeat.

Merrick and/or Dr. Kozak. I mean, this is literally their characters in a nutshell. Merrick is the journey/ordeal for the old guard. He is driven by his ambition, thinks he’s won over impossible odds, and then has a sudden defeat.

VIII. Justice - the balance. Equilibrium, equality, symmetry, harmony. Integrity, honor, fairness, neutrality, moderation. Vindication, self-righteousness, bigotry, prejudice, favoritism.

Nile. This is the woman with a sword card. She brings a balance to the team, she clearly moderates conflict, and I’d love to see BLM art of her in this style. Just sayin.

IX. The Hermit - the seeker-sage. Wisdom, inspiration, contemplation, discretion, understanding. Safety, protection, spiritual quest. Seeking truth and justice. Self-denial, timidity, fear.

Historic Joe. The idealized warrior poet? Definitely just a form of the hermit. Helps explain why a Magrebhi trader/artist fought at the Siege of Jerusalem: spiritual quest. I also like the idea of Joe having a secret reserved side.

X. The Wheel of Fortune - cycles of life. Destiney, evolution and progress, advancement. Manifestation, unexpected events. Success, sudden luck. Ups and downs.

Modern Quynh. There is nothing that better encapsulates her storyline than the wheel of fortune. One day you’re roaming the world with your immortal wife. The next, you’re drowning for over 500 years. The next you’re in Booker’s shitty Paris apartment.

XI. Strength - fortitude. Resilience, courage, resolve, confidence. Integrity, moral victory, endurance. Energy, action, vitality. Power, force, violence. Abuse of power, disgrace, impotence.

Lykon. Do I love this character beyong measure and reason? Maybe so. We have so little to go on about him, however, that the only things we do know bely his strengths. Also, he becomes ultimately the weakest when he dies and encapsulates both “extremes” of the card.

XII. The Hanged Man - the tested. Delay, sacrifice, abandonment, rejection. Betrayal. Reversals, restrained or bound, limbo, trials. Falseness.

Booker. If the fact that his first death was by hanging didn’t convince you? Read that description again. His character arc is literally working through being the hanged man.

XIII. Death - the loss or parting. Alteration, transformation, transition. Boredom, depression, stagnation, failure or disaster. Bereavement, recovery, immobility.

Lykon. He literally represents the fear of death to the remaining immortals. It is HE that they invoke when they discuss it. Also, I’m still mourning my favorite underdeveloped character.

XIV. Temperance - the moderation. Self-control, economy, patience, coordination. Consolidation, harmony, friendship, recuperation. Unfulfilled desires, discord, stubbornness, hostility, clashing of interests. Time, seasons, and climate.

A Safehouse. I don’t think any of the people really capture the tempered essence of this card, the constancy throughout all seasons of life. An actual physical building that rises and falls with (regular) humanity, though, seems to do the trick.

XV. The Devil - the arcane. Magic, strange occurrences, prophecy, fate. Catastrophe, downfall, negative attitude, Temptations, sins, obsessions. Enslavement, bondage, misplaced loyalty, violence, fatality.

Honestly? I’m so torn. I feel like a major commentary of the movie is that our demons are the way people react more so than the people themselves. Maybe the armored van?

XVI. The Tower - the House of God. Disruption, expulsion from an earthly paradise, divine wrath. Punishment (of pride), loss, destructive rivalry, plans ruined. Need to start again, bankruptcy.

The Iron Coffin. While this doesn’t capture the religious undertones quite right, the coffin is the Tower for Andromaquynh, It is (divine? or very human?) wrath brought on by pride since the two probably thought that they would be fine. It is loss and painful new beginnings.

XVII. The Star - the bright promise. Hope, faith, light of the spirit. Recovery, symbols of immortality. Gifts, good prospects, new dawn, frustrated expectations.

Nile. The new immortal, enough said.

Historic Andy/Lykon. In a way, the first immortal would also be a great choice of representation.

XVIII, The Moon - the hidden forces. Twilight, illusion, deception, trickery. Dishonesty, danger, uncertainty, terror. Developments, particularly somewhat concealed. Errors, powerful feelings.

Copley. I know, I know. “He’s the moon when I’m lost in darkness” and all that jazz. But look at this card’s interpretation and notice it’s pretty negative. Copley’s entire role is to pull the strings behind the scenes. He makes headway on problems in secrets, he lies and deceives everyone in the film at some point.

XIX. The Sun - the work’s rewards. Daylight, co-creation, union “of male and female”. Peace, joy, pleasure, love, contentment. Accomplishment, achievement, success. 

Joe. Not only is he the sun, he also fits this card perfectly. He is creation and happiness. Enough said.

XX Judgement - the rebirth. Judgement, sentence. Rejuvenation, renewal, resurrection, call to the new from the old, rehabilitation. Creation, promotion.

Historic Booker. I feel like his backstory with his family helped highlight the theme of rebirth for the Old Guard. They must be willing to give up what they have left behind to move forward. Also, there’s the more literal play as well since Booker was a conscripted criminal.

XXI The World - the long journey. Perfection, completion, conclusion. Power through intelligence and wisdom. The universe and the material world.

A group photo, of course! Beyond that? Who knows.

Historic Andy? She’s seen so much of it. Like just her eyes portray the history of the world.

The Minor Arcana (aka the rest of the cards)

Since most people are only familiar with the major arcana,  I’ll just briefly explain it. The minor arcana are actually the majority of a tarot deck. There are four suits associated with the four elements. Each suit has ten number cards and four court/face cards (traditionally modelled either based on one person or different interpretations of similar costuming). Each number or face has its own meaning, each suit has its own meaning, and their combination mostly explains what the card should be interpreted as. Quite frankly, the minor arcana are vastly underrated in popular understandings of tarot.

Suit of Wands - fire. Spontaneity, action, passion, adrenaline, life force, stroke of genius.

Guns? It’d be a bit of a niche take, but I associate guns with fires.

Staffs? More traditional in shape.

Suit of Coins - earth. Solid growth, material interests, possessions, profit, business, labor, slow and considerate.

Historic currency. Enough said.

Suit of Cups - water. Heartfelt involvements, imagination, spirituality, love, friendship, family.

Fountains around the world. Enough said.

Suit of Swords - air. Worry, trouble, boundaries, objectivity, the power of truth.

Obviously, their weapons of choice. I would go into more detail about who best represents each number, but I don’t want to bore you.

Court of Kings - mature men. Leaders, authority, status-quo, taking responsibility.

Again, most tarot is very gendered. But members in tuxes?

Court of Queens - mature women. Reflective and active, concerned with security/foundations, supportive, focused.

Members in dresses/gowns/anything that glitters?

Court of Knights/Cavaliers - young men. Dynamic, adventurous, intensive, revolutionary.

Tactical gear. Or historical armor. But it’s easier to do tactical gear right than accidentally draw a 15th century helmet on a 14th century suit of armor.

Court of Knaves/Pages - younger women, teenagers, and children. Students, apprentices, trainees, messengers, new opportunities.

Casual clothes.

[thechildoflightning]

Vergilius

Title: Vergilius

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: none

~~~

Summary: Vergilius. Vergil. Virgil. Different spellings for the same Roman poet.

For some reason no one talks about the fact that Virgil's name does in fact fit the dark sides naming pattern.

-

Or: Logan and Virgil have a discuss about the name 'Virgil' and what it means.

Warnings: none

[ao3 link]

~~~

Vergilius

It’s after a meeting with Thomas- who is once again panicking over the simplest of decision making, though to be fair, a large part of that is Virgil’s responsibility as well- when Logan corners him.

Virgil recognizes the situation for what it is right away. Logan gets this shine to his eyes, not quite a twinkle, more of a glimmer. Virgil knows what that look means. Logan is curious and he wants answers and he won’t leave until he gets them. 

It's one of Logan’s best traits, his determination and dedication. It’s also one of his worsts.

“Why Virgil?” Logan asks, once he’s fully entered the room and checks that they are alone. (Logan’s not subtle to begin with, and it’s Virgil's job to notice the things others don't, he’s not going to pass over Logan’s sweep of the room for what it is. Logan’s making sure that they are truly alone).

“What?” Virgil replies, “Logan I have no clue what you’re talking about. I’ve literally done nothing.” A brief course of panic. “Wait, why- Logan is something wrong?”

“No, no, no,” Logan confirms, and Virgil relaxes. He lets his muscles and fists untense from where they were coiled and ready to strike as if he had the physical ability to fight every single problem away. 

“Not ‘why, comma, Virgil,’” Logan clarifies, “why Virgil.” Or attempts to clarify, because Virgil is now even more lost than before. 

“Why the name Virgil?” Logan asks, “Why not change it completely.”

Virgil blinks at Logan. Once. Twice. 

“What?” Virgil asks, completely thrown off balance and one word rebuttal coming off slightly harsher than he intended. He trusts Logan- he does- but vulnerability has never been his strong suit and his name- well… but Virgil’s working on it. He is. He’s trying. 

(Why does he feel like trying is never good enough).

“I don’t understand why you would keep it. I thought you would have changed it,” Logan remarks, oblivious too or plain ignoring Virgil’s inner turmoil.

Logan’s dismissal of his name stings more than Virgil’s ready to admit, and he realizes he has to do something fast. Because Virgil is his name, of course it is, and he’s not getting rid of it. But Logan- are the other light sides mad at him for keeping his name? Do they think it ties him to the dark sides that much more?

(Virgil’s so tired of being a dark side. So tired of everything he does being marked bad. He’s still having to relearn that he is not fundamentally a bad person after all these years).

“Logan,” Virgil says weakly, not sure how to build his defense on this particular subject, “Logan it’s my name.”

“I know,” Logan agrees, “and I would have thought that you don’t like it. You have already taken small measures to change it. I thought it was strange you stopped at that. Do you not wish to change your name? Am I mistaken?”

“I-” Virgil stutters, trying to gather his thoughts on the matter. Because Logan’s right. Virgil doesn’t like his name, doesn’t like how it rolls off the tongue. Too many syllables, too much weight, too much history. 

Virgil is a small change. But it’s so so so much better. 

Virgil is Virgil. 

“I- I mean- yeah- I don’t like my original name. But Virgil- Virgil is better.”

Logan considers him for a moment, watching Virgil with a steady gaze before giving a slight nod.

“Alright,” he agrees, “as long as it works for you.”

Virgil nods, and thinks that’s it. 

But Logan hovers in the rooming, leaning forward slightly. Virgil can practically see his mind racing. It’s obvious he has something to say. 

Virgil raises an eyebrow. 

“Yes Logan?”

“May I ask two questions?” Logan asks, “the second might be uncomfortable or invasive. You may refuse to answer at any time, even if you give me consent to ask it now.”

Virgil mulls over the words and reminds himself that this is Logan. He would never hurt Virgil intentionally. Unintentionally- sure, but it’s happened in the past. It could certainly happen here. 

But Virgil’s willing to take that risk. 

He nods. 

“I don’t understand why Virgil is acceptable to you,” Logan prefaces, “Virgil is nothing but a shortened version of Vergilius, and both names along with Vergil- spelled with an ‘e’- are all alternate titles for the same historical poet. They seem so completely connected together that I don’t understand how you could find one comforting and the other repulsive.”

Which is fair. Like Logan said, Virgil is one of many spellings, but all the spellings refer to the same name. It’s like when people sometimes spell Kaitlyn with a “c” or a “i” instead of “y”. Alternate spelling, sure, but the same name. 

That’s all Virgil has done, switching from Vergelius to plain old Virgil. 

“So,” Logan continues, “My question for you is wherein lies that difference? What allows you to be comfortable with Virgil but not Vergilius?”

Virgil has an answer. He’s thought about this for quite some time himself, even if he had never expected anyone to ask him about. But Virgil represents anxiety, and he double, even triple checked his own name, his own reasoning to determine that he was completely satisfied with it. 

Now how to explain it in words?

“We all started with names,” Virgil says slowly, “Intentionally or not, Thomas assigned us names that fit us when we were formed. Right?”

“Yes- well not exactly,” Logan responds.  Virgil raises his eyebrows at him. “The names Thomas gave us represented how Thomas perceived us when we formed, not necessarily are true authentic selves.”

Virgil gives a small nod of acknowledgement. 

“Fair enough,” he allows. “So- Logan, a question for you. Why were you named Logan?”

“Logan. Logos. Logic,” Logan reciters, “the principle of reason and judgement.”

“Right,” Virgil agrees, because his has always been one of the easiest to make sense of. “And I’m Virgil. Again with the Greek and Roman origins. Potentially coming from the term ‘vigil,’ to keep watch. As anxiety that’s my job. Then the connection to the poet- which sure that takes us closer to Roman’s territory but the few times Roman and me have actually gotten along is when we’ve mixed his creativity and the way I feel emotions- specifically surrounding anxiety and fear- to create art.”

“Yes,” Logan agrees. 

Virgil nods and considers how to continue. He knows what he wants to say but he has to think about it for a moment and calculate the proper way to present his feelings to Logan. Logan wants facts, knowledge, logic. That isn’t Virgil’s default and it takes him a minute to speak Logan's language. 

“Your name fits your role. My name fits mine. It’s not a name I chose, but I feel that it fits me well. It- my name allows me to be more than anxiety. Anxiety has always restricted me, made me be one thing. Virgil gives me the freedom to choose and be myself while still providing comfortable familiarity. I don’t have to limit myself to a simplified emotion. I can just be… Virgil.”

Logan studies him for a moment, eyes sweeping across his body as if searching for a lie. 

“Okay,” he eventually says, “I can understand that. But then why not keep Vergilius?”

Virgil gives a weak smile. 

“I thought that would have been obvious.”

Logan frowns. 

“Your name doesn’t make you a dark side.”

“But it matches the undeniable pattern,” Virgil points out. 

Logan hums but doesn’t protest. It’s not like he could. Virgil’s right. 

Roman. Patton. Logan. 

Remus. Janus. Vergilius. 

“It hurts,” Virgil admits finally. And it’s hard to admit but he’s trying to be vulnerable, trying to open up and he’s going to give Logan the benefit of the doubt. (Even so his heart beats louder and his breath grows slightly shorter and his fingers and toes curl tight and tense up). “It hurts to know that somewhere in Thomas’s subconscious, he sees us as good and bad.”

Logan's frown grows deepens. 

“That’s an over simplification of the complex roles each of us carry out.”

“I know,” Virgil says. He didn’t once upon a time. He used to truly believe that there was good and bad and that he was bad, that he hurt Thomas no matter what even when he tried his hardest to be good. But those days are mostly behind him. Mostly. He still had some bad days. “I know that Logan. But Thomas hasn’t always seen it that way.”

“Do you think Thomas sees you that way now?”

A few weeks ago Virgil would have said yes- that Thomas only thought he hurt them and would be glad to get rid of Virgil and the pain he brought with him. 

Now though…

Thomas told him that he was wanted, that he was needed, that he was loved. 

What a strange concept. 

“I-“ Virgil hesitates, “I think Thomas is learning to see shades of gray.”

Logan nods. 

“And you are of course aware that Thomas was raised religious.”

Virgil snorts. 

“No shit Logan, it wasn’t like I was there for all of it or anything.”

“You weren’t?” Logan friend, eyebrows knitting in, “I was certain you had formed by then, am I-“ Logan pauses, clears his throat and adjusts his glasses, “right. Sarcasm.”

Virgil quirks a smile and gives a small nod.

“Got it in one teach.”

Logan straightens his posture, hands coming to rest in front of him and head up. Virgil recognizes it as Logan’s “I’m about to give you a shit ton of info posture.”

“Okay then. Well then you are aware that Thomas was raised with the awareness that things were either good or bad. Thomas was raised with extremes. And as he grew, he eventually started to learn about shades of gray. But as a very young kid it’s hard to see things as nuanced and detailed as they actually are. Add religious teachings that emphasize that good and bad are opposite absolutes and it makes sense that a young Thomas’s brain divided us that way. But that does not mean we still are that way.”

Virgil is- quite honestly Virgil is touched. He’s used to putting up strong walls, ready to fight back against whatever tries to hurt him. He’s still getting used to the idea that people actually want to interact with him and being validated so strongly by Logan almost makes him glow. 

“I know,” Virgil says softly, “I know. The world isn’t black.” Vergilius. “Or white.” Something entirely new. “It’s grey.” Virgil. “And I- I’m not exactly sure where I fall now. I’m not- I’m not a dark side, but I don’t think I’m a light side either. I’ve uh- kinda created my own little space.”

Logan looks at Virgil with his piercing gaze. 

“Ah. I understand now. Thank you Virgil.”

And for some reason, Virgil thinks Logan really understands it. His name, and so much more.

(There’s so much more than light or dark).

“Yeah sure. Anytime.”

Logan gives him a final nod and turns to exit, leaving Virgil to his thoughts. 

Just before Logan passes out through the doorway, he turns around. 

“Virgil?”

“Yes.”

“You have a nice name. It is- admirable that you chose to keep parts of it and alter the rest to best define you.”

Warmth. warmth everyone, sleeping across his body and into his heart, through his entire being. 

“Thank you,” he manages. 

And then Logan is gone.

If this is what being accepted is like- well, he might want to get used to it.

~~~

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