#( haven’t been able to do like anything recently cause my motivations been low and i’ve thrown up a lot in the past like 3 days )

[junos-cacophony]

( the urge to write an eclipse HS au,,, IT HURTS SO BAD,,, )

[intergalactic-padawan]

inquisitor - Ezra Bridger

Requested: yes, by the beautiful @raganbridger! Sorry for the wait, it's finally here!

Warnings: angst, dark side!reader, confusion, mentions of bad injuries/blood, betrayal

A/N: You asked for le angst, so here it is! I've had this idea for a long while and this request was the motivation I needed to start. LOTS of alternative endings were written, this was mostly the reason it took so long.

Pronouns of reader: she/her

*ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE! I make mistakes just like everybody else 😉*

x

.

-"oh, good, you're awake"

You sit and inhale sharply, focusing back on the real world, startled at the strange voice.

Well, not so strange per se. You knew who was talking to you. What was strange was why he was talking to you.

Before you can adjust your vision to the unfamiliar environment, the memories from hours earlier instantly come flooding back.

Malachor. The place where jedi go to die.

An easy kill for you and your inquisitor colleagues.

That's what they had said on the ship, at least. You, on the other hand, knew better than to underestimate how slippery those jedi could be - especially if they fought side by side, like they always did.

You remember cornering the younger one during the fight. His skill was minimal compared to yours, which would give you an advantage against his master if he were to die first.

The boy and his friends go after the sith holocron. There had been a blinding light when it was placed at the altar.

And also, the jedi knight who was blinded by your former master, Maul.

Maul.

Not only had the cursed man left you for dead years before, he had come back from hiding to haunt you and join forces with your other enemies.

But you were an inquisitor. You wouldn't - you couldn't let him get the best of you, not this time.

You feel a light hand pressing your forehead and recoil in fear, reaching for your lightsaber, only to feel it was not there.

-"whoah, woah, calm down. I'm not going to hurt you" - it was the padawan you'd been fighting before - Ezra Bridger. He had placed you and his master inside a cave in a planet you were not familiar with when you'd escaped Malachor.

You'd escapd Malachor? But how?

You couldn't have, unless he'd carried you back to his ship.

-"hey, hey, it's alright."

-"what do you want, jedi?" - you wince in pain again.

-"a thank you would be nice, actually. I did just save your life"

-"a foolish mistake. One you will pay for with yours"

You reach out for your lightsaber, but can't feel it anywhere close. Scouring with the force for its presence, you quickly realize he must have hidden it outside the place.

-"Nope, absolutely not" - just as quickly, he slaps your outstreched hand - "I may be an idiot, but i'm not stupid. Your lightsaber's not here, it's caused enough damage already."

You rub the hand he pushed away, more shocked at his actions than anything. How DARE he?

-"Then what do you want from me, if not revenge? Why treat my wounds if not to finish the battle we started?"

-"Listen, I'm not sure if it's the adrnaline or something, but you're in no condition to fight anyone any time soon"

-"You underestimete me, Jedi. Even in these conditions you would be no match for me."

-"Like I wasn't a match for you at the sith temple?"

At the mention of the event, images of the fight start to come back.

Back at the sanctuary, you drew him away from the fight, knowing his strengh lied with his allies. Only, you hadn't imagined your former master to join his side - not until you'd seen the holocron in Ezra's hands, at least. You'd warned him: "he will use it and throw you away. Like he did to me". Needless to say, he didn't listen.

Your vision starts to lose focus at the intensity of your anger and you groan in pain, not able to sit anymore. Driven by instinct, the padawan holds your side so you won't fall completely, pressing your abdomen and making you hiss in pain.

-"ah, looks like I was right. You're conscious, but not healed" - you feel yourself be adjusted back on the ground, too weak to fight him.

-"where are we? Why did you save my life?"

He hesitates, eyes studying you, like you might attack him any second and he still knew it.

-"not so sure" - he finally answers - "maybe because now you owe me one?"

-"Did you hit your head or something?" You scoff - "Make no mistake, I WILL kill you when the opportunity rises!"

-"And that is why your lightsaber privileges have been revoked for now."

You lock eyes, studying him like he had you. It made no sense- you'd followed his group to the sith temple, tried to kill him several times, called for the man who had murdered his strongest ally, Ahsoak Tano. Why was he helping you?

With a shiver, you realize he's still holding your side, not as firmly as before but still providing support for your back. Inhaling sharply, you graze his hand and he lets go instantly, realizing how close the two of you had gotten.

Standing up just as quickly, he brushes a strand of unruly hair our of his forehead, while you you clean your throat, diverting your attention to the exit of the cave. The rain pours on the large trees outside, but you can't make out much except for the fact that you're in a forest planet (maybe a moon?) and his ship is in less than ideal conditions to get out of it.

-"here" - Ezra kneels down with two bacta patches and a piece of fabric from a medical kit -"i felt your back was pretty sore, but didn't want to take off your shirt while you were out. Your cuts need cleaning."

You hesitantly take the items, using the rocks behind you as support to lean your body on. He stands up, hands on hips, and chuckles when you sniff the gel, suspicious.

With the small bit of privacy he gives you by turning around to check on his master, you fumble with your shirt, deciding to take it off in order to see better.

-"Need some help over there?" - he asks, hearing you grunt in frustration at not being able to reach some spots

-"Not from you, thank you very much"

-"Oh, so she CAN say thank you! That's a welcome change"

You throw the rag at his direction, irritated out of your mind. Who does he think he is??

He must sense the harmless ball of soaked fabric coming his way, turning around to catch it mid-air. Now that he's turned, you see a glimpse of amusement in his eyes at your rage, giving you the answer you needed as to why he went through the trouble of saving you; it was merely to see you suffer and laugh at your expense, apparently.

His expression quickly changed when he saw your bruised torso, however.

- "who did this to you?" - he whispers, and you look down at you look down at your sore ~ well, everything~, covered only by a wrap in the bust area.

-"As you said, jedi. I may be better than you, but you still gave me a decent challenge"

"No. I didn't even hit you there." - his serious reaction to your injuries had caught you off guard, you had to admit. - "those are old and deep, you shouldn't even be able to walk!"

-"I'm not, remember?" - you motion at your debilitated situation, unable to even sit down or cross your legs properly -"But i will be, soon. And then it's over for you"

-"you know what? I think if you wanted to, you would have killed me by now." - he shoots back and you're impressed at his audacity once again.

But he had a point. Why hadn't you attacked him yet?

Sure, you had no lightsaber or phisical conditions to stand, but your force abilities were still as strong as ever. You were vulnerable, but so was he, and you weren't kidding when you said you could deal with him even at your worse.

-"you know what? " - you cross your arms. He was playing with fire now - "maybe I might"

-"and why haven't you?"

-"because I wouldn't enjoy it as much." - you snap back venomously - "I want to see you suffer before I bring you to Lord Vader"

His expression darkens at the mention of Ahsoka's murderer. His whole body stiffens as he balls his wrists and clearly struggles to control his anger at the recent loss. For a moment, you fear you've gone too far, but reprimand yourself for worrying about his feelings over yours. You're not supposed to be anything more than indifferent to the weak and ruthless to those who dare oppose you.

-"Yeah, no matter what you do, you're still imperial scum"

You're not prepared for those words to affect you so much. You're supposed to have a response, but nothing coherent seems to come out of your mouth, so you settle for an an uncomfortable silence.

It doesn't last for long, however, as his comlink goes off. It's his droid, asking - no, demanding - that he go help him with repairs on the ship. He hesitates, looking at you and contemplating how bad it would be to leave you unnatended in the company of his defenseless master.

-"Dont worry."- You reassure him. -"I won't make his situation worse. Maul is the worse you can get, and I refuse to step that low"

You can see he doesnt like it, but leaves for a few moments before returning with what must be the droid that talked to him before. It was a C1 series unit with an orange top and a bratty atitude, you could tell that much by just seeing him interact with the jedi.

-"Chopper will stay here, just in case"

-"I understand. It's fine."

-"I wasn't asking if you were fine with it. Behave" - you can't be sure if his command is directed at you or the droid, but you weren't about to ask.

The coldness he now had to his voice was understandable - you had worked to get him to that emotional state - ,but you felt hurt at the change. The droid didn't do much to help you think clearly about what just happened, and by the look of it, your frustration would only grow bigger in the many hours it would still take to repair the ship to a normal flying condition.

'He thinks i'm imperial scum, huh?' - you think as you scour a pile of your belongings with the force, not too far away inside the cave.

Bad news, your lightsaber really wasn't there.

Good news, your wrist comm was.

'i'll show him imperial scum'

With a plan forming in mind, all you had to do now was be patient and wait for the right time. There's no exchange of words between the two of you when he gets back, which makes time fly by before he's betrayed by exaution and finally gives in to sleep. You take care of the droid easily after that.

Activating the tracking beacon, you start to leave the cave, but not before noticing the boy's lightsaber beside him. It was a bold move, he could easily wake up if you took it, but you knew that if he woke up to see you gone you'd need it to compensate for your injuries.

You were still on opposing sides, after all.

You knew there had to be an imperial ship near the planet, and they would pick up your signal in an instant when you called. Wallking to a less dense area of the forest, away from the crash site, you're proven right when, in a matter of minutes, a shuttle tripulated by four troopers and a senior lieutenant meet you on the ground.

-"and what of the jedi?" - the higher ranking woman asks when you finish your brief description of the events that led you there.

Well, not all events. You'd left out the part where Bridger had helped you recover.

You could just tell them to take the two jedi for excecution. You were supposed to do it, in fact.

-"it's just me. And the younger one's lightsaber" - you finally answer, not exactly knowing why you'd deliberately just saved them.

She nods curtly and escorts you back to the ship without a second glance. It was a good story so far, but you would have to work on it if your superiors were to believe it.

-"Wait- " - you start, second-guessing your motives for not giving away their location. One of the troopers turns to you expectantly.

-"yes, sir?"

You hesitate for a moment, ready to do what you'd beeen taught to do your whle life. Kill the jedi.

Kill the jedi.

A tingling crept up your sides, where the padawan had touched earlier to give you support. You try to betray the gut feeling pressing you to do your duty as an inquisitor, but it's stronger than you. Something is forcing your better judgement to be leaving your natural enemies alive.

-"nothing." - the tingle goes away as soon as it had come, leaving an unusual feeling of relief. - "Thought i'd sensed something. Let's leave"

'Perhaps it's for the best'. - you think as the shuttle's door closes. After all, you did owe him one for saving your life - whatever his reason was for doing so.

That was what you told yourself as you boarded the ship, at least. Now, the next time you saw him, there would be nothing to stop you from finishing him and his friends for good.

.

x

Hope you like it? I gave him a 'hands on hips' moment in honour of your videos for a more personalized touch hahahaha

[thefanficmonster]

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid. 

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it. 

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth.  All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[word-addict-lisette]

PEOPLE WHO ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY PLS DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS POST.

Warning!: incoming rant! Mentions of depression, anxiety, insomnia, sickness, and yeah my depressive life, school, exams, student life problems, no friends, loneliness. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

You do not have to read if you don’t want to (which you obviously wouldn’t). Feel free to ignore this post.

this post was not supposed to turn into a rant. i had three sentences in mind that i wanted to write. oof-

Today's mood:

I’m just so done. school sucks. literally. Do I really have no friends? Why am i so lonely? I hope hell is a comfortable place.

I have an exam tomorrow... I'm sick.. i dont wanna study... I'm hoping my sickness works as a excuse to not study for the day cause my head is gonna split open. And i just wanna trash post today cause i have no idea as to what to post about. And yeah I'm hungry... Very hungry. I have a stomach ache too. I want to dedicate my while day to quotes and trash posting and crap. I'm gonna spend some time with my comfort character as well. I am very sure that I'm not going to get any work done today as well. I don't even have anyone to talk to today cause all my friends are burning in hell... And i dont think they even exist anymore. I don't have anything to read today either .... So ima just waste time the way I'm wasting a hell lot of time while typing this. I'm gonna act introverted for the whole day and just stay nestled in one corner of the house like the invisible person i wish to be. But i hate to admit that i wish to be invisible but i feel painfully visible and ignored. I know that I'm just ranting but i got nobody else to talk to. Plus my sister has been ignoring me since morning and i feel like a shell of a person recently. And not to mention how much unproductive I'm feeling today... In short i feel like a utter waste of space. I'm just running low on motivation and inspiration. I'm probably also gonna hibernate today later in the day. My stomach has got to stop killing me before i kill it. About my paper tomorrow... I'm probably gonna fail it... I dont know what's even wrong with me. This paper of mine comes every weekend and i usually do good. But this week i missed two days of school. Plus today i was barely able to pay attention in class. I just feel so done. My mom is gonna keep asking me to study all day long and i dont think i can. I just need to rest and get some things off my mind. Nowadays i just feel very enervated. All sorts of thoughts keep invading my mind. Even though i got over my anxiety like a month ago... I still feel it down there somewhere. Plus loneliness... Despite having my younger sister to talk to all day... i feel very lonely. I haven't been able to sleep at night. Last night I was up till one am. I just feel so pathetic. Like things feel so right yet so wrong. I've lost sense of whatever is happening around me. It's gonna take some time but I'll probably get over it. Ima see if i can think of anything to post about then ima write about it... If anyone has any prompts then feel free to send them to me. I'm taking and accepting everything except hate. Idk why I'm feeling so depressed either... Like i spent half an hour crying last night .. like i had literally no reason to do that but it just happened. Ugh! I'm just ranting and i probably shouldn't. Pretty sure nobody even wants to hear it. Either way I'm glad I have this blog where i can talk and get things off my mind and i also have my lovely followers. This is that one place which makes me feel better and gets the loneliness away! I'm ranting again, aren't i? I've really got to get a hold on myself on such days.

I'm just gonna spend today by forcefully studying trash posting, sleeping, ranting, and... Idk if i have anything else to do. -_-

-lisette.

P.s. if you read sorry for the rant... I did not even mean to rant in the first place. I just happened to have another depressive episode. Either way you can just ignore this post if you want to :D

I'm so overdramatic -_-

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #462

i am way too tired to mentally flip through lyrics to put here, rip

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) I have zero idea. When did you last travel alone? Where were you going? The last time I visited Sara in Illinois. Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yes. What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? I think I got purple highlights? What was the first social media site you ever used? MySpace. Do you have any exes you really regret dating? One. Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Sara's house is lovely. Have you ever been catcalled? No. Are you allergic to any dogs? I might be. Have you ever touched a plant and had hives shoot up your arm? No. Do you think dragonflies are cool? Absolutely! What’s your favorite thing to draw? Meerkats!! Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation? Not high. I wanted to keep it. Do you like fudge? I CAN FUCKING DESTROY SOME FUDGE. Are you an affectionate person? Very. Name something you have to do today: Girt and I are hangin', making fun of bad Netflix anime and going to Buffalo Wild Wings. :^) Would you ever write to a death row inmate? No. People don't get on death row for no reason. I ain't got shit to say to them. Do you reckon online friendships are real? No fucking shit. Most of my most genuine friendships began online. Do you like Slipknot? Yep. Can we talk about how fuckin BADASS Corey's new mask is btw?????????? What do you think of Gorillaz? I like "Feel Good Inc." and one other song I can't remember the name of. Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? BOTH!!!!! :') What is the cutest Halloween costume for a baby to wear? GUYS I recently saw a picture of a little baby dressed up as a Little Oogie Boogie and it made my ovaries cry. Which of your friends is the tallest? Which of them is the shortest? Jesus, Girt is a giant. I don't know about my shortest... If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you choose? Pastel pink. :') What has been the best night of your life so far? Why? Probably something sexual so let's keep it on the down low lmfaooo Would you ever even think about taking part in a wet t-shirt contest? Uh, no. Even if I WAS confident in my body. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby? No. It was dirty blonde. Have you ever been in trouble for being too loud? Ha, yeah, at school with friends. Not big trouble or anything, we were just hushed. Did you ever attend a wedding that was a complete disaster? No. What is something that you were surprised you were able to do? Hm. What is the most bullshit-sounding true fact that you know? Male cats have spiked penises lkasdjfal;kje;kjwr it's something to do with preventing other tomcats from mating with her. What Oreo flavor is your favorite? Gimme that Double Stuffed, friend. Sour gummy worms or plain gummy worms? SOUR. Ever been in a talent show? How many times? What did you do? Nope. Ever try out for the talent show and not make it? Did you cry? Nope. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever cried about? Y'all when I was a very little kid, during my older sister's b-day party, I sobbed because I couldn't pin the tail properly on the donkey lmaoooo How do you feel about the use of nuclear weapons? Absolutely fucking barbaric. What song has the most meaning to you? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus!!!! :') Have you ever made bread? No. Has anything ever fallen asleep on you? Pets, a baby I was watching after, and Jason. Ever been dominated in a game you were/are really good at? yep alskdjfla;jwej Have you ever decided to set fire to something out of anger? No. Would you rather be a house pet or a wild animal? Wild animal, I guess? Have you ever listened to a group of chanting monks? I haven't. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? Probably of Teddy. I've still yet to decide on the total design of his tribute tat I'm getting. Do you like the smell of men’s colognes better than woman’s perfumes? I think so, yeah. How mad would you be if someone copied your original work (story, poem)? I'd be pretty fuckin pissed. Have you ever blown something up in science class? Ha, no. Have you ever gotten a serious wound from shaving? Not serious, no. Have you invented anything, only to find out it actually exists? I feel like I have? Ever realize you never truly LOVED your first love? Absolutely not. I loved him. Would you want a Bachelor/Bachelorette party before you get married? Sure, sounds fun. Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? As of very recently, I returned to using pads. I used tampons for most of my maturity, but I got annoyed with them for TMI reasons and resorted back to pads, even though I don't like them either. Have you ever dated a model? No. What is your ultimate goal in life? To die happy with my life and what I (hopefully) accomplished. What colour are the socks you’re wearing today? I’m not wearing any. Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? Girt. It was something regarding how I once considered doing the suicide mission at BWW where you eat a select number of their hottest wings, but I didn't wanna die via chicken. :^) Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? I'm average in height. I wouldn't change it, nah. Especially now that Girt and I are together the ridiculous height difference is hilarious but also cute lmao. Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? Like, while I was there? No. Have you ever had casual sex? Nahhhh. What’s your favourite flavour of frosting? Chocolate. @_@ When you think of your childhood, are the memories mostly happy or sad? Mostly happy, I guess. What is it like being you? Is it enjoyable? It's very boring with few sources of joy. What are your thoughts on the cause of homosexuality? I would *assume* it's a genetic mutation. Reason being, having a romantic partnership without the ability to reproduce defies the motives of science. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, wrong with said (and hypothetical) genetic mutation, though. Mutations are just another part of science. They occur naturally. What subjects did you find most interesting in school? Least? Most interesting: literature/English (especially reading like, old mythology and epics and stuff like that), LOTS of branches of science (but primarily genetics), art, and I looooved my four semesters of German. Least: ANY and ALL math, history, economics, social studies... that kind of stuff. Which do you enjoy more–hot or cold beverages? Cold, for sure. What were some of your favorite bands from childhood? Green Day was one. Would you be more afraid of drowning or being buried alive? Buried alive, for sure. It would be much, much slower. Should you really be doing something more productive right now? Well, I SHOULD be sleeping. Today's going to be a long day, because when Girt comes over, he has a tendency to not leave until like fuckin midnight or later alksdjfl;waje Have you ever lived out of your car? No. Does your family own more than two houses? HUNNY we r poor. A relative just committed a very serious crime, do you turn them in? It depends on the exact crime, but odds are, yes. If you're endangering others, byyyyeeee. You’re in the woods, alone, at night…are you honestly not afraid? Bitch I'm terrified. I have zero survival skills. You are on life support, what would you want a loved one to do about it? For the love of god, please kill me. Your child has only a while to live, do you still enroll them in school? That would be up to them. Also, define "a while." How would you feel if you met your idol and they ended up being rude? WELP I have a tattoo in his honor so that would suck ass lmao According to the tale, was Eve wrong for eating and sharing the apple? "God was wrong for even setting up an apple tree and making up rules in the first place." <<<< There ya go. And the punishment was fucking ludicrously extreme. Are you working on any goals? Yes. I'm currently going to the gym regularly to try and better my physical health and then find a job. I know that being connected sounds odd, but trust me: I can barely carry out very simple tasks just because I have absolutely ZERO stamina to do almost anything. I need energy and endurance. I'm also working towards developing some self-love. Which parent named you? I wanna say my mom. Are you currently frustrated with someone? I mean, myself. Aforementioned self-love is hard. I'm just annoyed my head is so reluctant to accept that I'm not a piece of shit for a million reasons. Why have most of your past relationships ended? They all ended for different reasons, really. Are you having any online conversations, currently? I'm not. What’s on your mind? I'm just tired and going back to bed real soon. Have you ever had an argument with a teacher? No.

[alcalavicci]

1988 interview with Dean. This is a really good one and helps bring more of his life into perspective. Note: the newspaper originally censored his swearing, but I’ve put it back.

Guthman, Edward. "Dean Stockwell: Third Time's a Charm." The San Francisco Examiner (San Francisco, California), August 14, 1988.

“Six years ago, Dean Stockwell's acting career had turned to dust. Reduced to playing parts in unreleasable, made-in-Mexico movies that now make him cringe, Stockwell decided to chuck it all and get out of Hollywood.

“Along with his second wife, Joy, Stockwell moved to Santa Fe, settled down under the wide New Mexico sky and applied for a real estate license. He even placed an ad in Daily Variety to announce his exile: 'Dean Stockwell will help you with all your real estate needs in the new center of creative energy.'

“Stockwell never sold a house; he didn't need to. Instead, almost as soon as he'd relocated, things started happening to the former 1940s child star. It began with a small part in David Lynch's 'Dune,' and escalated with an important supporting role in Wim Wenders' highly regarded 'Paris, Texas.'

“Moving back to California to cash in on his fortune, Stockwell acted in 'Beverly Hills Cop II,' 'Gardens of Stone,' and 'To Live and Die in L.A.' He also played a cameo role, as Howard Hughes, in the newly released 'Tucker: The Man and His Dream.' And in 'Blue Velvet,' David Lynch's American nightmare, he delivered a chilling cameo as Ben, a waxlike, sexually ambiguous drug dealer.

“And now, at 52, Stockwell says he's found 'the favorite role I've had, by far.'

“The picture is 'Married to the Mob,' a dark, romantic comedy by Jonathan Demme ('Melvin and Howard,' 'Stop Making Sense') and Stockwell plays Mafia don Tony 'the Tiger' Russo. Wearing an Al Capone fedora and full-length vicuna coat, Tony is a rich, sardonic, larger-than-life character -- the kind Stockwell has never had a chance to play until now.

“Opening Friday at the Galaxy and UA the Movies, 'Married to the Mob' has been touted as Demme's first shot at a genuine box-office winner. Set in Long Island, New Jersey and Florida, it stars Michelle Pfeiffer as Angela DeMarco, a young Mafia wife who tries to start a new life when her husband, Frankie 'the Cucumber' DeMarco, is pumped full of lead during a hot-tub tryst at the Fantasia Motel.

“When Stockwell's character isn't ordering hits, drug deals and the dumping of toxic waste, he's lusting assiduously after the gorgeous widow. Meanwhile, bumbling FBI agent Mike Downey (played by Matthew Modine) is jumping through hoops trying to shadow Angela and 'catch Tony with his pants down.' Instead, he falls in love with Angela.

“During a recent luncheon interview, not far from his central California home, Stockwell spoke about the film, about his new happiness as the father of two children and about the bizarre trajectory of his long career. Dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and slacks, wearing a Panama hat and drawing first on a cigaret, later on a cigar, Stockwell emanates prosperity and calm.

“'I don't know why I was unemployed so long,' he says, reflecting on a fallow period that started in the '60s and lasted the better part of two decades. 'The only thing I can figure out in my own mind is that, for some reason or another, I was being made to wait until a certain time in my life when my talent would reach its full maturity and fruition.'

“Ironically, he says, he felt just as equipped 10 years ago to do the work he's doing now -- 'only I couldn't get fucking arrested.'

“Today, Stockwell sees harmony in the fact that his new success coincides with the arrival of two children. His son, Austin, will be 5 in November, and his daughter, Sophia, turns 3 this month. Inordinately proud and protective, he refuses to allow his children to be photographed, and also requests that the town in which he and his family reside not be named. (There were no children from his first marriage, to Millie Perkins, which lasted from 1960 to 1962.)

“'I want to make a lot of money and I want to put it away for my children,' he says. To that end, Stockwell has been snapping up job offers. 'A lot of people ask me, "How have you been able to choose these wonderful things you're doing? Have you been very selective?" And I have to tell them, "I haven't been choosing what I'm doing." Things have been coming and I've been accepting virtually anything that's come.'

“Stockwell's ambition is so great that, for the first time in his life, he actively pursues aspects of his career that he once shunned- interviews, for example.

“'My entire motivation in life is my family,' he says. 'I don't need to get an award. I don't need recognition. I've had that already. What I need is to provide. The best way I can provide is to be successful, and the best way I can be successful is to take advantage of all the things at my disposal to achieve that, one of which certainly is press.'

“Take a look at the young Stockwell, specifically the version that emerges from old magazine and newspaper interviews, and you meet another person altogether.

“Robbed of a normal childhood, Stockwell had made 22 films by the time he was 15 -- including 'The Boy with Green Hair,' 'Kim,' 'Anchors Aweigh,' and the Oscar-winning 'Gentleman's Agreement.' Working nonstop, he had a privileged life that millions of children probably envied, but he loathed it nonetheless.

“The son of show-business parents -- his father, Harry Stockwell, was the voice of the Prince in 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,' and his mother, Betty Veronica, was a former stage dancer -- Stockwell made his professional debut at 7. It all happened by a fluke: when Stockwell accompanied his older brother, Guy, on a Broadway audition, the casting director took a liking to both boys, and cast each one. The play, aptly enough, was called 'Innocent Voyage,' and it led to an MGM contract for curly-haired Dean.

“From the beginning, the pressure on young Stockwell was intense. His parents had divorced when he was 6, and when his father defaulted on child-support payments, Dean reluctantly became the family provider. Over a six-year period, he averaged three to four films per year.

“At home, he says, 'There was a lot of friction... I was getting all the attention, but I hated it. [Guy] couldn't appreciate that, because he wasn't getting the attention. He had all these friends, his peer group, that he took for granted. I had none and I resented him for being able to live that way. I was fucking lonely.'

“When he was 13, chained to a seven-year contract, Stockwell was described by one magazine as 'a young rebel who despises acting and resents every moment it takes from his fleeting boyhood.' Many years later, Stockwell told columnist Hedda Hopper, 'Child actors exist in a sort of limbo between childhood and maturity and belong to neither. Adults take them too seriously and other children are either awed or hostile. A child actor can find friends in neither group.'

“Finally, Stockwell fled Hollywood when he was 16. He cut off his curly locks, started using his real name, Robert Stockwell, and for the next five years roamed the country, working menial jobs and disavowing his true identity. 'People that might have known me from seeing my films knew me as a young child,' he remembers. 'Now I was 17 and I wasn't that recognizable.'

“Around the time of his 21st birthday, Stockwell was pushing papers as mail boy to a Manhattan plumbing firm. 'Of all the jobs that I'd had in those intervening years,' he remembers. 'I think I hated that worse than anything. I came to the realization I had no training at anything. My primary education was very skimpy, very poor, and happened under the worst type of conditions. I was literally at the mercy of the world.'

“Most of Stockwell's childhood earnings were squandered by crooked accountants, he says, and he knew that the tiny sum being held in a trust wouldn't last forever. 'So I thought, "What am I gonna do? Well, let's go back and attack this [acting career] again, and see if I can do it a little more on my terms."'

“What followed for Stockwell was a brief but impressive 'second career.' He starred in the 1959 film 'Compulsion,' based on the Leopold-Loeb case of the '20s, and won a joint acting award with Orson Welles and Bradford Dillman at the Cannes Film Festival. He played the lead in the 1960 film of D. H. Lawrence's 'Sons and Lovers,' and in 1962 scored the plum role of Edmund Tyrone in Sidney Lumet's film version of 'Long Day's Journey Into Night,' holding his own alongside Katharine Hepburn, Ralph Richardson and Jason Robards.

“Stockwell was winning the best parts, but found his attention drifting elsewhere. What was happening, he says, were the first signs of the '60s youth revolution. 'It captured my imagination as much as anybody's. And it represented to me -- I can see this in retrospect -- something in childhood that I had missed: the freedom and loving being alive, without responsibilities and work and having to report to the studio every day, and deal with fans and interviews and shit that I hated when I was a kid.'

“So Stockwell called his agent, said, 'I'm not workin',' and dropped out once again. When he tried to come back three years later, though, 'I found it very difficult, 'cause I'd been out-of-sight, out-of-mind.' What followed was a long period of marginal employment: He found some TV work, took parts in low-budget trash ('The Dunwich Horror') and occasional oddities (Dennis Hopper's 'The Last Movie') and co-directed a film with musician Neil Young ('Human Highway') but often just didn't work at all. At one point, he went 18 months without a job.

“Today, along with his buddy Hopper, Stockwell is enjoying a major career renaissance. And with his starring role in 'Married to the Mob,' he says, he's never felt more confident.

“'I knew before I started the film that this character was going to work in spades,' he says, adding that Demme, as director, deserves credit for taking a risk with such offbeat casting. Instead of picking Peter Falk, Vincent Gardenia or another ethnically identified actor to play the Mafia don, he went with Stockwell (who is actually half-Italian on his mother's side).

“Demme's inspiration occurred on a flight from Los Angeles to New York, when he opened a copy of the Hollywood Reporter. Stockwell had just changed agents, and in order to announce the fact, had taken out a full-page ad. Demme saw the picture, and instantly recognized his Tony.

“Weirdly enough, Stockwell made another film immediately prior to 'Married to the Mob': a Canadian feature called 'Palais Royale,' due for an October release, in which he plays a character almost identical to Tony Russo.

“'It's very curious,' he says. 'For all my years I'd never had a role like this come my way, and here it was twice. The Mafia don in New York, the Mafia don in Toronto, both of them colorful and charming and also threatening. And I just thought, "What am I gonna do? It's the same character." So I decided to do the same character in both those movies.'

“To take the coincidence 'one nauseating step further,' Stockwell says he's also got a part in the recently completed 'Backtrack,' Hopper's next film. This time he plays a corrupt mob lawyer, dropping the Italian accent for a generalized East Coast sound.

“It would be difficult to find a film actor who's busier than Stockwell at this moment. And it would be difficult to find anyone whose job history better illustrates the vicissitudes, serendipities and insecurity of a Hollywood career.

“Looking back on his misfortunes -- at the career that he was forced to accept as a child, and the humiliation he felt when he couldn't maintain it as an adult -- Stockwell says he's not bitter. 'When you reach your maturity, I think it behooves you to accept the fact that it's absolutely futile and fruitless even to speculate on changing anything in your life. All you can do is get embittered. So I accept everything that's happened as part of my life, and try to push it in a positive direction from the moment right now.'”

[fmdxsuji]

restructuring task #1: changes (+5 tracker points)

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different? these can be as small as an opinion on a song they hadn’t released previously or as big as a major change in their background. // wc: 250

suji has gone through very little changes when it comes to her background. she still is born in birmingham, still doesn’t feel like she belongs, still has very overbearing parents who wanted both their children to become mathematicians or something. nevertheless, i did decide to rename suji’s sister because i don’t know what i was thinking when i decided to name her cheryl! her sister’s now named lydia but still has the korean name of sumin. i’ve also given her an official job so lydia works at some trading company. suji’s relationship with lydia wasn’t as bad as i made it out to be in the beginning and while her older sister still had some kind of resentment over the fact that suji managed to escape their parents’ controlling lives, the grudge didn’t last eight years like it did in suji version 1.0. however, the conflict between her parents and suji still exists as they’re still not completely approving of their daughter being an idol. 

other than that, suji remains even less changed than hyeju does when it comes to her personality and attitude. she’s still a complete professional and believes in keeping up with a reputation that’s given to her since that comes with the job. she still loves writing in her diary and jotting down lyrics here and there. she’s still a hopeless romantic that dreams of fighting the right love one day, and she’s still quite sweet as ever when it comes to her interacting with others!

what does your muse think of their company and their group? // wc: 295

as odd as it may seem, she doesn’t actually have that many problems with gold star as a company. there are times when it becomes apparent that the company is still rather new (seeing that it was formed in 2009), but she thinks that their ceo having been an artist herself plays a lot into how management works. there’s times where she does feel like she’s genuinely heard by the executives even if that may be a naive thought to have. nevertheless, she understands gold star is still a business at the end of the day, but she knows that about her line of work. she also wouldn’t be surprised if gold star decides to drop equinox one day if they stop bringing in money. suji simply understands how this business works, and she knows that she’s merely a pawn in the middle of all of it. 

equinox, on the other hand, she cherishes a lot more. she does see debuting as a sort of escape from her old life back in england so there’s a lot of underlying appreciation for the group. while she may not be super tight-knit with all her members (keeping this vague since things haven’t been thoroughly plotted out just yet) she still hopes that the group can continue to release music together. she thinks equinox is quite unique in the industry with how much variety their discography has, and she would like to keep that label even if it means releasing songs as bizarre as zimzalabim. with her solo promotions becoming more and more frequent, people may think she’s lost any kind of attachment she has to the group but that’s completely false. at the end of the day, she’ll continue to prioritize the group over her own activities. 

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract? if they haven’t renewed, what are their current thoughts on the end of their eventual first contract? // wc: 274

just recently, suji renewed her contract with gold star as equinox has recently passed their seventh year mark. truthfully, resigning with gold star wasn’t all that difficult because her mind was made already. she doesn’t have any personal problems with the company, and she believes she’d been given a lot of opportunities during her years there so there weren’t any specific reasons why she wouldn’t sign with them. sure, she had some minor complaints here and there (in title track decision making at times), but nothing big enough where she was leaning towards not resigning with them. the decision of the other equinox members were quite important, however, because she would have liked to continue promoting as equinox even after the seven years. she’s thankful that the rest of her members have agreed as well. 

if there’s one thing she might hope for, it’ll most likely be related to music. she’s been quite lucky so far that the company had been quite trusting of her abilities to write her own music though there has been some tight leashes on her to release a certain type of music after her first solo mini album did very well. however, those leashes have been beginning to get loosened, and she’s hoping it stays that way because she’s been wanting to explore some different sounds herself. she’d also appreciate if they were more organized when it came to notifying her of her solo releases because there have been times where she was given a date that was only about a month and a half away which isn’t nearly enough time for her to come up with satisfying results.

what are your muse’s goals and motivations? // wc: 261

ultimately, suji simply hopes to continue to be able to release music. of course, ideally she’d be able to continue her career with equinox as far as the group takes her because that’s not a decision she can make on her own. however, she’s also aware that idol groups aren’t meant to last forever. when the day comes that the group eventually comes to an end, she’d want to continue staying in the industry somehow. she sees artists like lyn and baek jiyoung who continue to release music and do well, and she hopes that she can be able to have a long career like that as well. if that doesn’t work out, however, she’d like to stay behind the scenes and continue to write music. all her goals do involve music in some way as that’s what she doesn’t fail to continue to be passionate about. 

her motivation mostly comes from people who leave comments about how much comfort her music gives them or how much they enjoy listening to her voice. without sounding too cocky, suji does think that she’s a pretty good singer, and she’d like to continue to use it to help others out. it’s also why she thinks she does well with traditional ballads because most of those involve minimal instrumentation and rely heavily on solely her voice.

while she doesn’t dream of leaving some long legacy with her name, she hopes that even in the future, people will listen to her music and remember her as someone who gifted them with good songs and performances. 

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future? // wc: 294

currently, her biggest conflict is, funnily enough, getting over a heartbreak. she had confessed to a long term best friend about her feelings towards him and then she got ghosted so she’s still in a what is going on kind of phase. of course, she’s using this time to write music that hopefully can continue to come out (as they were points claimed), but she’s very focused on writing songs right now as that’s all she can focus on. that and of course equinox promotions as tiki taka promotions ended not too long ago.

there’s still the problem with her parents too. they’re not as intense as famed 1.0 suji, but there’s still some lingering conflicts involving them. since it’s been seven years since equinox’s debut, they’ve stopped hoping that suji returns to england and go back to being a student or whatever, but both sides (meaning suji and her parents) are sort of unsure how to bridge back this gap that’s formed between them. it’s like the physical distance between them has also caused an emotional one to form, and suji’s not sure how to go back to being her parent’s daughter if that makes any sense. it’s something i hope to continue to explore and eventually solve just as i did back when suji and her sister resolved their problems. 

something less minor that’s been on my mind is how overworked suji has been since 2020 with the music she’s released (mostly my fault when it came to managing her claims). she’s not a complete workaholic anymore as she’s grown to learn how to manage her actual life and her professional life, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t ambitious about her career. she could potentially be getting sick in the future physically. 

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.  // wc: 374

suji’s established career claims are in the following categories: music, variety and creative claims.

music seems almost straight forward seeing that she’s equinox’s main vocalist. it made sense to give her some solo ost’s especially since she has several chart-topping ones that were claimed with points. main vocalists having ost’s even as rookies seems to be a typical thing. most of her ost’s are emotionally driven one of suji’s strongest points is how well she can deliver emotion through her singing, and it’s also why i decided she gets a lot of ost offers to this day! she loves singing ost’s because it’s pretty low effort, and the recognition that comes with one that’s attached to a popular television drama is quite a lot. some people might not know who suji is but they would know one of her ost’s. 

variety was an easy way for gold star to get suji’s name out there. while she doesn’t have any fixed roles with her established claims, she’s been on several things here and there. the most notable appearance is probably her problematic man guest role because it fit into everything that the company ever wanted for her image. the smart label that’s been put onto her only got emphasized even further with her one-episode guest appearance. suji doesn’t think she’s the best at variety shows but she’s not shabby either. a lot of times, she ends up becoming the center of jokes and she doesn’t mind since she knows somebody has to take up that role. shows where she has to interact with regular people are oddly comforting to her, and she’s been praised before at being great at interacting with others.

creative claims was also another sort of definite choice for suji. she’s always been interested in writing music and now her self-written solo debut makes more sense since she’s had the experience before by participating in equinox’s songs before. none of the title tracks, but she’s had a hand in their b-sides. the catalyst track thrown in there was mostly to show her experimenting with sounds that wouldn’t work for herself. a push to step outside the box most likely started by some of her other songwriting friends and mentors within the company.

[softspots]

Update (all is well!)

hello all, and my sincerest apologies for not making this post much sooner; considering the last time I posted here I was announcing that I and my family had contracted Covid-19, doubtless the long and unexplained silence from me caused some worries. better late than never, though, so here I am to tell you all that I and my family are all okay! Covid-19 was hard on us (particularly on me and one of my parents, as we experienced the most intense and longest-lasting symptoms), but thankfully none of us required a hospital visit and we came out of it alright.

now that I've explained that, you're probably wondering why I've taken so long to come back, or even just make an update post like I'm doing now. and, well... after we all got over Covid-19, several other things happened. to list it briefly:

a conflict between me and my parents occurred (this happens with some regularity, unfortunately)

due to the above, an agreement was reached that it would be best for me to move out (don't worry, I wasn't kicked out, this was a decision I fully agreed with and participated in willingly)

over the course of a few weeks I went through the process of apartment hunting, found a spot close to my campus, and packed up and moved

I began my spring semester, taking the largest number of classes I've ever taken at one time before (which I've been having a difficult time dealing with, for various reasons)

I started seeing a chiropractor semi-regularly to hopefully help fix the neck pain I've had since high school

and most recently, I've begun looking into possibly getting a diagnosis for something I've suspected myself of having for a few years now

throughout all of this, I've also been struggling with the same things that I've struggled with for some time, which I've mentioned once or twice here before: consistently low energy levels (both mental and physical energy) and various mental health issues.

real talk for a second: I haven't been able to make myself write anything (besides what I need to write for classes) in months. and I know the main selling point of this blog, and the content most people come here for, is my writing. so since I can't get myself to write anything, and since I don't even have the energy to consistently answer asks on top of that, I've felt like there's no point in even posting anything at all. that feeling has played just as big a part in my inactivity as my busy life has, and I honestly don't know how to fix it.

I could go into further detail, but I'm a rather private person (and I've now revealed more about my personal mental health than I even planned to on this blog) so I'll leave it at that. all of this to say: I've had a lot going on recently, which is why I've taken yet another unexplained and unannounced hiatus.

my midterms have passed now, and I've been in my apartment for over two months, so with my life the most settled it's been since before the holidays last year I finally sat down and wrote out this post to let you all know that I'm okay, still alive, just busy and stressed as always. I hope you're all okay as well, and didn't miss me too terribly while I was away; and if you did, I hope you'll accept some art as an apology gift? I got a new laptop for Christmas and now I'm able to use the drawing software I first learned how to draw digitally on! autodesk sketchbook pro has served me well, but opening up paint tool sai again after all these years felt like coming home :)

(strangely, despite not having any will or motivation to write, I haven't felt the same about art; I'm not drawing every day or anything, but pulling out my tablet and sketching stuff doesn’t feel like a difficult, joyless chore the way writing has recently. if you asked me why that is, I honestly couldn't tell you)

so, yeah! I've got a little bit of art to share, which will be available for my Patreon subscribers' viewing pleasure tomorrow and which will be made public and posted here on April 3rd. I hope you all enjoy them, and I hope we can start brushing the dust of this blog and make it all shiny and new to celebrate it's birthday!

yes, you read that right: today, March 30th, this blog turns two years old! I'm sorry I wasn't able to throw a big party or anything, but I've made a rather special drawing in honor of the occasion, which will also be available on my Patreon tomorrow and posted publicly on April 3rd! it's something that made me particularly happy to make, so I'm excited to let you all see it :)

TL;DR, I've been sort of going through it but I'm back, I'm well, and I missed this blog and you guys while I was gone!

[peaceful-negotiator-kenobi]

Beginners (Obi-Wan x Gender Neutral Reader)

Summary: Obi-Wan helps remind reader, who is insecure about being able to complete the trials to become a Jedi knight, that they’re worthy of becoming a Jedi and that their past failures don’t define them. 

Length: ~ 1564 words

Warnings: Lots of fluff, cuteness and motivation (oh, and also cuddles because cuddles are great).

A/N: I stole the title from another really great movie starring Ewan McGregor, but the fic isn’t related to the movie (although I would highly recommend watching Beginners). 

“There you are.”

Obi-Wan gives you a wide smile when he finds you sitting on the floor in the hallway outside of your chambers, back pressed up against the wall.

“Oh, hi Obi. I’m so sorry I completely forgot about joining you for meditation today. I’ve been . . . busy.”

You look down at the lightsaber in your hand that you’ve been meticulously taking apart and putting back together for the last hour. 

“Busy with what?”

He comes and sits next to you on the floor, his eyes suddenly filled with concern as he realizes just how unlike you it is to miss any commitment--let alone a meditation session with your best friend. 

“My trials are in a week, but my master doesn’t think I’m ready.”

You fasten the last piece back onto your lightsaber with a swift motion of your hand. 

“I thought I should spend every second preparing so that I can prove my master wrong.”

You murmur, still avoiding eye contact.

Obi-Wan moves over to take your hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. 

“Is that what you’re worried about, not passing the trials? Because if it is, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. If you can’t pass the trials, then I sure as hell won’t be able to.”

You finally look over at Obi-Wan and flash him a smile.

“Thanks Obi. But I don’t think you realize just how bad of a Jedi Knight I’m going to be. I’m so incompetent I’ve often wondered why the Council hasn’t dismissed me from the Temple already.”

Obi-Wan looks back at you with such incredulity at your own self-assessment that he lets out a short laugh. 

“Come on, let’s get a cup of tea in you first before you start trying to convince yourself that you’re secretly a Sith.”

Obi-Wan helps you up off of the floor and the two of you enter your chambers where you have an electric tea kettle and an assortment of tea to rival Master Yoda’s collection. 

As you wait for the water to boil, you wander over to the balcony overlooking the city of Coruscant. You try not to look dramatic, but with your robes fluttering in the evening breeze and the stance you’ve taken with your arms spread out across the balcony railing, Obi-Wan can’t help but observe just how comically dramatic you look. 

“Some tea, my liege?”

He hands you a mug of hot tea as he joins you. You give him a sarcastic side eye for the comment. 

“So what’s this about being incompetent? It’s the first I’ve ever heard you associated with that term, and I’ve known you since we were younglings.”

Obi-Wan leans up against the balcony railing and casually sips his tea. You pause, the memory of a recent mission on a remote planet with your master still too painful and embarrassing for you to easily articulate. You value your friendship with Obi-Wan more than anything in the world and worry that you might lose his respect by revealing the truth to him. But, in the end, it is because you value your friendship so much that you decide to tell him the truth.

“I . . . I abandoned my post on my latest mission with my master.”

You search Obi-Wan’s face for any sign of horror or disgust, but you are only met with sympathetic features.

“I fell asleep while I was supposed to be looking out for any sign of trouble and my master was almost injured because of my incompetence. Had someone else not alerted him, he would have surely been shot and possibly killed by a droid.”

You reveal, continuing to search Obi-Wan’s features for some indication that you were, in-fact, as bad of a Jedi as you perceived you were. But he only sipped his tea quietly as he listened, his features never once yielding to your expectations. 

“Y/N, you’re often right about a lot of things, but in this instance I must call you out for being so incredibly wrong about yourself. You’re not a bad Jedi because you fell asleep on the job one day--you’re overtired perhaps. You’d be a bad Jedi if you were unwilling to learn from your mistakes, or if you didn’t feel sorry about it. Besides, I’ve seen the way your master works you to the bone and, if I were you, I think I would have fallen asleep at my post countless times by now.”

Obi-Wan moves his free hand over to cover your own and gently massages it with his thumb. In exchange, you flash him a smile. He looks pleased at this change in your demeanor. 

“But that doesn’t solve the problem of the pain I feel over disappointing my master. He told me directly after the incident that I wasn’t ready to take the trials--that I had done a very bad thing. I don’t know how to make my master trust me again.”

The sun had slipped below the horizon and darkness was now encroaching on the corner of the balcony where the two of you stood. You don’t wait for Obi-Wan to reply and you indicate that you should both move to the couch inside. Obi-Wan collects your mug with his own and sets them down in the sink before joining you on the plush cushion. 

“It’s only natural to feel bad about the things we’ve done wrong, especially when those things affect other people, but we shouldn’t allow that pain to turn into shame. You made a mistake and you learned from it. In the end, it is not your master who decides your fate, but you. Only you are in control of your destiny. Besides, if he won’t allow you to take the trials, there is a way to appeal to the Council.”

He takes your hand again and looks you in the eyes, filled with the light of love and compassion. He hates seeing you so defeated, knowing how strong you really are. 

“Thank you.”

You breath out, finally accepting his truth as your own. You give him a warm embrace that causes him to sink back into the sofa. He strokes your hair gently and the two of you sit there holding each other for a while in peaceful silence. He then places a gentle kiss on your forehead and loosens his embrace. 

“Remember when we were both younglings and you used to let me crawl into bed with you when I had nightmares and was frightened that whatever I dreamt of would come true?”

You nod, smiling at the memory of a young Obi-Wan sneaking into your room in the middle of the night and poking your face until you woke up. 

“Well, I have a feeling now’s an appropriate time to return the favor, if you would like me too.”

“You’re too good to me, Obi.”

You look down at your hands, a blush creeping onto your features. 

“Nah, I do believe it has always been the other way around.”

You smile wildly, momentarily forgetting all about your worries.

The two of you get ready for bed and make the surprisingly difficult decision of who gets to spoon who. In the end, Obi-Wan wins out with the simple, but persuasive, argument that, of the two of you, he’s the expert big spoon.

You ask him teasingly what qualifies him as the expert. He only smiles at you suggestively and remarks:

“I get around.”

You throw a pillow at him from across the room.

“Ooo Obi-Wan broke the code.”

He only laughs as he throws the pillow right back at you.

The two of you get into bed and he wraps his arms around you, the warmth of his body heat and his skin pressed against your own luling you towards the brink of sleep.

“I lied.”

Obi-Wan suddenly whispers into your ear, bringing you back to the present moment.

“Hm?”

You murmur sleepily. 

“I’m not an expert big spoon. I haven’t even slept in the same bed as someone else since you and I were kids. This is all very new to me.”

You take the arm he has draped over your torso and pull it closer to you.

“Well, you’re doing a very good job at it.”

He gently nuzzles your neck before placing a tentative kiss on it. 

“Is this okay?”

He asks, not wanting to overstep any boundaries.

“Yes.”

You reply in a breathy whisper, already a pool of warm sensations at his touch.

He kisses your neck again before pulling away. The chill that fills the space where his body once rested hits you immediately and you almost turn around to see what’s the matter. Suddenly, you feel the pad of a fingertip brush a patch of exposed skin on your back. 

It takes a moment to realize that Obi-Wan is tracing words into your skin. He does it slowly so you can feel the pattern of his letters and the sensation deeply relaxes you. He traces out “you can do this!” at first, but as you slowly drift off to sleep he begins tracing out something else so slowly and hesitantly that you don’t know what it says. You’re in the gentle ebb and flow of falling asleep when Obi-Wan returns to his place as big spoon and whispers into your ear in a low, melodic tone:

“I love you and I believe in you.”

[luminecho]

Show Me What You’re Proud Of

RULES: It’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought  into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want  (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to  awesome works.

@sister-dear did this and tagged all their mutuals who create things! Took me a moment before the realization hit me that, oh shit, I’m a mutual who creates things. Sooo here we go! Super nervous for some reason jdkjkqwdm.

I haven’t posted a lot of stuff publicly, let alone actually made things in general, and as far as writing goes I don’t have anything finished yet, but I used this opportunity to create a new art & writing blog (@echoing-creations) so I can hopefully start posting some WIPs and short snippets of stuff there from now on! ^^ Otherwise, I’m just gonna try my best to show what I have.

WRITING:

Again, I don’t really have anything posted or even finished yet (at least that I’m proud of). But I’ll share two WIPs/sneak peeks of the LU longfic that I’ve been working on these past couple of months. Because I’m pretty proud of some of the scenes that I have written so far! Unfortunately I’m limited in my choice of what I can include, because spoilers, but here’s what I’ve got. (They’re still very subject to change.)

- “Everything Goes Away” - Prologue

He was in control now. Not some selfish deity or petty goddess. For once, his destiny didn’t have to be set in stone. He could rewrite his story, re-weave the strings of fate. And it all started with a single thread.

Forgive me.

- EGA - Chapter 3

A cacophony of sound broke out around them as the other heroes’ reactions grew muddled together and incoherent. All the while, Legend and Warriors didn’t move, didn’t blink. The world was a swirling vortex of noise around them, a raging whirlwind of confusion and betrayal, and the two heroes stood in the center of it all, the eye of a hurricane, frozen in time. Frantic colors and voices spun around them like a cyclone in motion, tasting of forgotten courage and broken promises.

But all storms came to an end. As the tempest of sound and color died down into a suffocating silence and the world stopped spinning and lulled to a halt, a single whisper rang out louder than a gunshot, piercing the air and finally forcing Legend to break eye contact with Warriors.

“Why?”

ART:

- BotW Link - Wow, the only thing on this list that I actually have a link for! This post never kicked off, which kinda sucks, because I can’t even begin to describe how ridiculously proud of it I was (and still am). It took me ages and I put in so much more effort than I thought I would going into it. But I don’t really mind that nobody saw it, because I love it and that’s all that matters! It was all a big experiment (particularly with drawing humans) but I’m very happy with the outcome :)

Ummm I’m not really that proud of anything else I’ve posted, and there’s a lot of stuff I’ve drawn that I’m not ready to share with people yet cause I’m kinda self conscious, BUT I do have a couple of drawings that I still really like!

- First one is a ref for a Warrior Cats OC that I’ve had for... ah, almost as long as I’ve been drawing, actually. She’s a favorite between my and my irl friend, and she’s gone through so many redesigns I can’t even keep track, lol. This is definitely my favorite design of her by far, though, and is probably gonna stick for quite a while.

- Second one is just a random doodle of my catsona. Honestly not much to say about it. It was done for my part of an animation meme collab for a friend’s birthday a while back, and I kept the drawing because I really liked how it turned out. I honestly kind of want to redraw it soon with an updated version of my sona’s design and use it as my tumblr icon? Maybe? 👀 I’ve been wanting draw my own banner for a while now, so maybe this can be part of my blog makeover, lol.

And that’s that! Not much, I know. I spent all evening trying to pull together scraps of stuff I could maybe share, but chickened out of showing most of it in the end. I’m kind of shocked at how little I actually created this year. I feel like my art has been at an all time low recently. I just haven’t really been drawing as much. Hopefully giving myself time and distance from it will help me to gather the motivation to pick it up again soon and be able to look at it without judging myself too harshly. As for my writing... I’ve definitely written more frequently this year than I have for a long time, even if I have nothing to show for it. I’ve been finding myself using my writing as an outlet a lot more recently than I did in the past, and I’ve been getting better at writing things down rather than just daydreaming them and letting the scenes float away into the void of my mind, lol.

Tagging all of my own mutuals (and followers!) who are creators!! Share what you’re proud of, even if it’s small <3

[abrunettefangirlnerd]

Little Bird - Mini

 Request: wanted to ask you if you could do a Loki x teen!Reader. Where the reader meets Loki in some way and she touches him and connect their souls 'cause she has powers she doesn't know about. And then some day she's in pain or smth and Loki feels it and comes to her. And she finds out she just can connect her soul with someone she trusts. And loki is all sweet ? And angst maby. Please and thank you.

Pairing: Loki Odinson x teen!Reader

Chapter: Mini Story

A/N: Okay so I am not going to do official chapters but I think I will release a few mini stories about their lives together. Not sure how many I will do. I am really loving how adorable Loki is and his interaction with the reader. If you want to be tagged let me know. Hope ya’ll still enjoy it!

Chapter One       Chapter Two

“This is so not fair.” You whisper, out of breath.

             Loki’s lean figure slightly leans forward, hovering over your own. His breathing is heavy and his hair tries to cling to what is left of his bun. You take in a few deep breaths of your own and ignore the sweat dripping off of your body. The team has been making you physically train. Not with your powers but with punches, kicks, and flips. When they said you would get to train, you initially thought this meant you would get to control these so-called powers you seem to possess. Apparently not!

“Once you can control your own body during a fight, controlling your powers will become easier.” Loki grins. “Besides, I like you on the floor gazing up at me.”

             Loki takes pride in his little bedroom comment. Meanwhile you swing your leg around and knock him off his feet. A thud on the mat tells you that he is down and is time to get up. Using the little energy you have left, you push your body up into a standing position. Much like the way Nat or Steve do during a fight that in your opinion is a show-off move. Regardless, one night you asked Nat to teach you. You figured there may be some satisfaction in executing it one day. Funny how the time comes sooner than expected.

             Looking down at the god beneath you, you can’t help but allow a well deserved smirk to take residence across your lips. This is the first fight you have won, hopefully it won’t be the last. Taking in Loki’s appearance, you begin to understand what is so appealing about being the one left standing. The dominant person standing.

“Don’t get used to it, little bird.” Loki breathes. “I’ll get my rematch later.”

“STOP!” Tony’s voice booms through the intercom. “I can’t take any more of your sexual banter in the training room. Keep it in the bedroom!”

             A faint spread of heat rushes against your cheeks from Tony’s comment. Despite what most would think by looking at you, you are quite a private person about that area of your life. You know Tony is all talk and doesn’t mean anything by it. He doesn’t even know what is going on behind closed doors at the compound. It would be quite shocking for them all to find out.

             Tony gets called out for a meeting at Stark Industries and allows you to call it an early day. Thankfully he had to take Wanda and Vision so even they couldn’t make you practice meditating on your powers. Feeling them as a part of yourself and not as a threat, and accepting them. It will allow you to hone your powers and use them. Seems like there is a lot of stuff they are making you do first before actually letting you use your powers. Meanwhile, you’re sure they just went at it themselves without all this mumbo jumbo.

             Following Loki back to his bedroom you are lost in thought about how to improve at your training so you can get to the next level. It barely registers that you sit on his bed crisscross as Loki disappears to the closet to change out of his training gear. With the snap of his fingers, you are now out of your own training gear and in your favorite pair of sweats and tank top.

“Time for a rematch.” Loki’s low deeps voice appears behind you.

             His arms wrap around your torso and his fingers attack your stomach. You cry out in laughter and pain as you try to pry his hands off of you. As a child your father would constantly tickle you, usually in surprise attacks like this one. Twisting your body in his arms, you manage to face him. Loki’s smug face peers down at you. He thinks he has won. Guess again.

             Suddenly his fingers are no longer moving. His arms are slowly unwrapped from your body. Their movement falters for a moment as Loki attempts to fight back, but you quickly regain control. Electricity thrums through your arms as your magic overpowers his. You manage to lift his arms above his hands against his bed railing. With a bit more concentration you will a free length of lace to wrap a nicely tight bow across Loki’s wrists. Now you are the one looking smug.

“You’ve been practicing without me.” Loki is breathless once again. “I have to say, if I wasn’t a bit terrified I would be 100% turned on.”

             Leaning your body over his, you look deep into his eyes as you bring your face closer. As your lips meet, every nerve in your body is engulfed in flames. Never in your entire life have you met someone that makes you feel as alive as Loki. Even a simple kiss excites everything inside of you, even your bones. Never have you felt like losing such control but yet feeling as safe as could be. But before either of you could get carried away, you break the kiss and sit at the end of the bed.

“Definitely less terrified.” Loki gleams toward you. “Though we still need to be careful.”

             Loki’s reminder saddens you. With a flick of your wrist Loki is released from his lace bondage. He is the one person in the world that you want but yet you cannot fully have him. Tony’s remark earlier left you a little flustered. Only because the two of you haven’t actually had sex yet. Neither one of you is in a big rush, but since you can’t it makes you want it more. Funny how that is always the case?

             It was Loki’s idea. Since no one is sure of the full extent of your powers, he thinks it is best to keep emotions from an all-time high. You agreed and still do, most of the time. You often wonder if he is as miserable about it as you are. He doesn’t show it and you do your best to hid it as well. It isn’t always easy to be so close to him, alone, and not get what you want.

Sometimes you think Loki has another motive behind why you two should delay. He said he could be dangerous if he gets carried away. Since he has arrived in your life, outside of watching you sleep, you have been getting to know a lot about his past. He isn’t always eager to share but he does anyway. Some things take longer than others to surface but you know he is going to tell you in his time. You don’t want to rush him, but this particular comment definitely has peaked your interest.

“The first night in my room umm…” your cheeks turn a light pink as you think of the right words. “What did you mean by ‘I can get dangerous if I get carried away’?”

“I was hoping you didn’t remember that.” Loki lets out a shaking laugh. He takes your hands in his and concentrates on them instead of meeting your gaze. “I am not Asgardian like my brother. My birth father is from another realm where he is king of these horrible beasts.”

             Loki’s voice begins to waver. He takes a moment to calm himself before continuing. His breathing is uneven still as he recalls all that he has learned about his heritage.

“Basically they are ice monsters. Cold is their pleasure and they have no problem harming anyone to get what they want.” Loki sneaks a glance at you to gage your reaction. “My natural form is a lot.. bluer, colder. I highly suggest you never touch me in this form. Legend says a single touch can turn anyone into frozen stone. I’ve never tried it, and I really do not want to start with you.” Loki sighs and you know he is finally getting to his point. “I am afraid that if we are intimate with one another I may lose control and my glamour will fade, revealing my true form. I worry that it will frighten you, and I worry of what I can do to you.”

             You see that what is left of Loki’s calm and collected façade begin to fade. Obviously this isn’t a topic that he talks about often, and you feel honored that he could share it with you. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you sit on his lap and wrap your legs around his torso. As you stroke your fingers through his hair you feel a wet cold tear fall against your bare shoulder. Loki has been in pain a great deal of his life and has mastered the art of silent crying. You hope one day it won’t have to be so silent around you.

“Thank you for sharing with me.” Your voice is low, calming, soothing. “I believe we are what we decide to become, not who we are born. You may be blue and able to freeze things, but you are anything but a monster.”

             Loki’s grip around your hips tightens as you speak. Most people in the past, even his brother, has written him off as the bad guy. Until recently did people begin to see the hero and ally that Loki has always wanted to become.

“You’re my hero, Loki.”

             Loosening your hold on him, you peer into his tear stricken eyes. Leaning in close, you kiss his cheeks just below the eyes. Kissing away his tears. Revisiting Loki’s gaze, you look for an indication to stop but you find nothing. Again you lean in close and lightly brush your lips against his.

             The fiery heat radiates off of your body like before. Though something is different this time. A cool electrifying current passes through, starting at your lips and spreads through your whole body. The feeling excites you as you realize this streak is coming from Loki. He is letting down his walls little by little, staying up enough to keep you safe.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You assure him.

“Neither am I, little bird.” Loki’s cold breath brushes away your heated exterior. Quickly he gazes into your eyes before connecting his lips with yours once more.

Taglist:@drabby-abby​ @senpaiweird​ @clairewinchester14 

[mbti-notes]

P1) So I have this friend, an Enfp like me. For years she's been a dear friend of mine, and being of similar types have made us very easily get along. But now that we're growing older it feels like I'm in a different place in terms of Fi development, and her lack of development is starting to rub me the wrong way. During the time when we both started to get into Fi development, I started focusing on branching out and figuring out who I was, and she ended up in one relationship after another.

[con’t: The men were nice, and I'm not saying that being in relationships is a bad thing or is inherently detrimental to Fi. But now she's single, and says she feels listless, lonely. She says she seeks out men of status to make her feel accomplished but then either ends up losing interest or they break it off. I've been giving her advice to generate self interest, instead of seeking out interest solely in other people, to pursue her passions, and for a bit it seemed like she was taking my advice. 

But recently I've seen a... I don't know if it's a different version of unhealthy Fi, or whether it truly is a problem with me. If it is me, I would like to fix it. She seems to kind of assume my motives based off of what she herself is feeling. For example, if she feels insecure about something she'll act on the assumption that I'm judging her. I will be completely clueless to the fact that she thinks this until one of her actions based off of that assumption ends up being hurtful. When I come back and tell her that her actions are hurtful and based on false premises, she doesn't apologize, and despite saying that she loves me regardless, says that she feels I'm kind of a judgy person so that's why she assumed. I try my level best to be a non-judgemental person, given that I'm quite aware that people come from all sorts of life experiences and backgrounds, and I've had friends tell me it's one of my better qualities. 

There are times when I do say I can't condone a course of action (because it will hurt someone else or cause problems) and I have had someone break a friendship with me over that before. That person I've been told was toxic and manipulative, and later on I've heard that she herself thought she mightve been wrong. So I've assumed that what she said might not have been true. My family teases me about me being rigid on my morals, but apart from that no one has really mentioned it to me before. I know that being judgy could be a unhealthy trait from Fi, but I have the feeling that my close friend might be having an unhealthy Fi instead. 

So I suppose my questions are: am I indulging in unhealthy Fi traits? If so, how should I fix it? If she's the one being unhealthy, how so and how would you advise me to react? As I said, she's a dear friend of mine of many years. I know there've been times that I've been shitty that she's patiently guided me and times I've been behind where she's waited for me to catch up, so in this case I don't want to leave her behind. I know that I can't get her to change if she doesn't want to, (especially now that she feels that I'm being judgemental I don't want to press) but how do I react to someone with an unhealthy Fi while asserting my boundaries?]

When you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, especially if many of those years were formative years, it’s natural for the relationship to carry a lot of baggage - they become more like a family member than a friend. That “baggage” can be a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have someone who’s known you so well and so long. They’re able to put you in context, they’re able to reflect back to you how you have or haven’t changed for the better, and the bond between you is strong due to all the shared experiences. On the negative side, baggage means that there exist some unresolved issues, problems that float around in the background, pain or resentment that gets swallowed for fear of rocking the boat too much, etc. Try to remember the positive when things get negative.

As a general rule, when an unhealthy dynamic between two people forms, both people feed into it in some way, otherwise it wouldn’t continue to get worse over time. Avoid trying to label one person as the only source of the problem. It’s not a case of either/or:

1) I believe that your friend is indeed having difficulty with Fi development, which is HER business to handle. It sounds like she uses men as a means to paper over low self-esteem, which is a manifestation of Te loop that gets in the way of Fi development. What she chooses to do is part of her journey of growth (or lack of growth as the case may be). You have to let her make her own mistakes and learn from them, just as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate always being told what to do as though you’re stupid. This reminds me of an old song that goes something like: “If I make mistakes, they’re MY mistakes, and I cherish them as part of MY story.” You may believe that you know better than her about how to develop Fi, but perhaps you forget that an important part of being FP is that you have to honor your own story. You can’t live someone else’s story, i.e., betray Fi, and then hope to have healthy Fi in the end. Sometimes, honoring your own story means taking paths that others wouldn’t and falling flat on your face.

2) I also believe that your friend is defensive partly because you have been somewhat judgmental, which is YOUR business to handle. Even if you don’t say it out loud, people can sense disapproval, especially NFs. With your voice in her ear, I’m sure she has some awareness that her behavior is problematic. However, if you keep reminding her of this, what you’re doing is exacerbating the shame and guilt that she feels for “slipping”. You’re asking her to do what’s right, which is what Fi would do, but remember that you may also be asking her to do something that she is not yet ready or ABLE to do - this is how the line gets crossed. 

When you keep reminding FPs that they’re unable to do something, it doesn’t help them - it only makes them feel incompetent. If they feel that way long enough, it affects their self-esteem, which further exacerbates the feeling of incompetence in a vicious cycle. From here, she starts to assume things about your motives, as she projects her own sense of inadequacy. No one likes to feel less than. If you want to give advice, make sure that it’s wanted and appropriate for her level of competency. Most importantly, advice should be given lovingly, i.e., it should always be obvious that you are doing it from a place of care and empathy rather than a place of moral judgment. Avoid language that implies something about her moral character and focus more on the actions/consequences. You can’t speak such that you never offend anybody, but you can always check and recheck your own intentions to make sure that you’re speaking from the heart rather than the finger.

Sometimes, healing a relationship means stepping back a bit to let things cool down, such that you are able to return with fresher eyes. There’s a time for encouraging your friend, there’s a time for telling them the truth, and there’s a time for leaving them alone. It’s not always easy to decide the best option because the other person may not even know what it is they really need from you, if anything. At least she’s letting you know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t need or want your judgment. To me, this raises the question of what she does need from you. It seems that you don’t know, because every time you try to intervene, you’re not helping her in any discernible way. If the people close to you are implying that you’re judgy, it’s something to pay attention to. It means that you’re either not approaching “helping” with the right intention or you’re not expressing your desire to help in the right way. Something that I often have to remind Fi types of is that “helping” is ultimately about the other person, not just about you satisfying your own moral imperatives. If you forget this, you may easily overstep and disrespect the other person’s boundaries due to imposing your values on them.

ENFPs love to discuss the things that are important to them. They love to explore new ideas and possibilities. But if the only reason you’re engaging in the discussion is to try to “lead” her into agreeing with your way of judging the situation, she’ll know, and she’ll close up, because you’re being disingenuous. In essence, being “judgy” might mean that you are imposing your idea of what Fi development is onto her, instead of helping her to discover the best ways of reaching healthy Fi on her own terms, at her own pace, in her own way - assuming that Fi development is still something that she wants. 

It’s easy to spot problems in people, but it’s a lot harder to come up with the most appropriate solution. Like it or not, these men are fulfilling a need in her life, and this can easily turn into a form of addiction, with withdrawal symptoms and all that jazz. The longer someone carries on a pattern, the harder it is to break. What exactly is the need that she’s attempting to fill? Where does that need come from, why does it exist in that form, or why is it such an urgent matter to her that she’s unable to give up her pattern of serial dating? Is there a better or healthier method to address the need... a method that she is capable of carrying out? If there is a competency problem, what is the best way to address it? These are the questions that you should ask, if you want to understand her well enough to tackle the problem constructively. And you may not get the answers until you approach her at the right time, in the right way.

[lgbtqstuff-va4]

Vu's HRT Journey (7 months, November 26 2020)

CW: Libido/sex drive mention, acne mention, blood, menstruation, slightly TMI near the end (I briefly mention sexual stuff in the "vaginal atrophy" section)

Hi... Sorry I haven't updated in like, three months.  Life happened and I just.. Haven't had the energy to make these posts.  But I decided that I should do an update while I'm feeling motivated.

One important thing I'm gonna note though, is that I recently changed my dosage.  Between 4-21-2020 and 11-3-2020, I was doing 50 mg (.25mL) T (Cypionate) every two weeks (IM).  As of 11-3-2020 I'm now doing that same dosage, except I'm doing it every week instead of every two weeks.

Anyways, let's get into my experiences

Body hair

My body hair has been doing the usual, I guess.  Um... One thing I noticed recently, is that I now have like, one singular, long black strand of hair growing slightly under my chin.  Which is weird-looking, but exciting!  I'm at the very start of having.. A beard.  Which is weird, but again, it's super exciting!!  Um, I also noticed that like... Just above where my chin starts, like between my lower lip and my chin, there's some short, black hairs growing in.  They're pretty hard to see right now, but yeah.  I also shaved my face for the first time(!!) a couple weeks ago.  I only shaved my upper lip since that was the only like, actually noticeable facial hair I had at the time, but it was a neat experience anyways... And then I immediately regretted the choice lmaO.  I HATE HOW IT LOOKS AND FEELS TO NOT HAVE THAT BBY MOUSTACHE THERE... but it's actually growing back in at a nice pace.

Throat/voice

My voice has definitely been getting gradually lower.  Emphasis on gradually.  But yeah.  I've noticed that there are like, certain songs I like, and there are certain parts that were too low-pitched for me to hit three, two, and sometimes even one month ago... But now I'm actually able to hit them?  Or at least sort of hit them?  Which is like... Really cool, tbh.  My voice has obviously been cracking often, and I've had like three times of note where it happened at work when I was talking to a co-worker... Oofers.

Sex drive

It could just be due to stress (caused by things in my personal life), but for a good two to three weeks this month, my sex drive just... Took a nosedive.  Idk why.  It seems like it's getting back up there again, but yeah.

Acne/sweat

I've... Been breaking out so bad over the last month or two 😩 (weary emoji) I've obviously been having a lot of acne since I started T, but my god.  My jawline specifically has been breaking out a lot, but also?  My back... I can't do anything to get rid of it 😔 (pensive emoji)

Bottom growth/general feelings "down there"

I'm over half a year into T, and honestly?  I don't think I've had like, any bottom growth.  At all.  It's pretty annoying tbh

Body fat redistribution

Also haven't noticed any changes with this yet :/ my mom's pointed out that my face apparently looks kinda different, and I think I see what she means?  Or maybe I'm just imagining it, idk.  I still have this stupid hourglass shape though, and I hate it.

Mood/emotions

Ehhhhh idk.  I've had a really stressful month, and it's also been a very weird month for everyone, so it's hard to really pinpoint what's being caused by T, and what's being caused by other things.  Idk... I'm sorry I can't describe how my emotions have been lately to y'all :/

The gross thing (i.e. menstrual bs)

Unfortunately, I've been having the gross thing... And generally speaking, it hasn't gotten any lighter/less frequent. I went from the beginning of August to late October without one, but since late October I've been having them happen about once a month. Which, honestly sucks :/

Vaginal atrophy

Haven't noticed too much here. I mean yeah, there's slight dryness, but it's not bone-dry in there, yknow? I also noticed recently that I drew bl**d while doing.. Sexual stuff?? It was only a little bit, but still. I was kind of being too rough that time though... Sjdjjdjcjjcjf (Also... Me? Feeling kind of flustered by talking about this? It's more likely than you think)

So... Yeah. I'm gonna try getting back to doing these updates, but I might do them every two months instead of every month now. Idk. I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for reading!

[unordinary-analysis]

“Joker”

Call me extra for this, I don’t care. Lol. I liked this theory a lot and I will get my proper analysis of it, thank you very much. Even if this turns out to be a huge joke later on, which… oof, I don’t particularly care. I had quite a bit to say about this. Also: the only reason this took so long is because I’m literally stumped on the “who” bit of this and I’ve decided to leave it as it is :(.

So, if you keep up with my account, you will know that recently, I’ve been having a tiny crisis thanks to one comment that @sunshines-and-tatertots ertots made on my episode analysis on episode 157 (thanks for that by the way). And basically: there’s this theory concerning Joker and his appearance in the recent episode. Some people are wondering whether or not he was actually John.

Now, yeah that sounds like kinda crazy right? Like right off the bat? How could Joker not be John..? I was thrown off by this comment because lmao…. what? I stared at it for a solid two seconds before losing it. God, I’m sad I haven’t given the concept of this any thought before (at least I don’t think I have lol. Maybe in some random episode analysis who knows). The idea is amazing and god, im not even saying anything about it, just hyping it up eirughweiufbekgf.

We are talking about an imposter here, a borrower of the Joker mask, the mantle. Do you guys remember when Joker was Tuesday and when people first saw how powerful he was, they assumed he was Arlo? This is like, similar to that? But opposite..! And I was hyped about the student body thinking that Arlo was Tuesday. Anyway: if someone is trying to use Joker’s identity to gain authority and power, it would be totally easy. The fact that a large group of people thought Arlo was Tuesday supports the inference that behind that mask, nobody really knows anything. Nobody knows that John is Joker. Nobody knows when Joker isn’t John.

And the thing is, it makes so much sense that someone would try to take advantage of an anonymous king. There’s little stopping any other students from wearing a similar mask and using Joker’s influence to get anything they want. And it would really be very hard, or maybe lucky is the better word, to uncover that “Joker” is a fake. And one of the only ways of doing so would be to properly face Joker in battle, and even that has a failsafe. Obviously, if someone wanted to fight Joker for some reason, maybe revenge or maybe ambition, they would find out pretty quickly if Joker was the real one. Two things: ability and strength. Joker has a very recognizable ability: he can copy others. That wouldn’t be too hard to fake considering that it’s easy to assume that any power Joker is using, he stole from someone else. But his strength? Different story. And yet… because of that same reason, wouldn’t the other students avoid conflict with “Joker”? I know this whole argument is how someone could uncover a fake Joker when engaging in a fight with him, but what low/mid-tier would be willing to do that? The thing is: they wouldn’t. Joker has proven his power and established his authority so well, nobody is likely to question it. And, if a student poses as Joker, the same behaviors would extend to him. People are scared of Joker, they’re not about to fight someone they think is him. It really would be easy to “become Joker”, and it makes sense too.

But the specific piece of evidence presented to me in a comment was that John’s eyes as Joker glow a different hue of yellow than the new Joker’s. And if you would please hear me out after saying this, I know it’s not much to go off of, and I give a reason later on for why that was done. But the supposed imposter from last week’s episode (fight with Gavin btw in case I’m not being clear enough about when the Joker onscreen is an imposter) has brighter, more yellow eyes than John. Which, is easy to notice once you’re looking for it, let me tell you.

Another piece of evidence, though small, was also brought to my attention by someone else (It’s a bad week for original thoughts guys lmao). @fuegy-fuegy-fuegoleon messaged me recently saying, “If you look back to all Johns fights as Joker or Tuesday, he has his sleeves rolled up! This new guy doesn’t!” And I was like damn you are really on top of this, I’m still in shock lol. Anyway, they’re right. I went back to look in the comic and, more often than not, John rolls his sleeves up. It seems to be some mindless mannerism because John does it pretty casually in episode 153, and he also does this in episode 2. It’s probably just a habit from when he worked out with he punch bags. But, the imposter’s arms are covered… Now there’s a possibility this isn’t very important because the “imposter’s” hand is bare and we can see that he has a similar skin color to John’s (and literally every else in the comic R.I.P.). The only reason why his sleeves wouldn’t be rolled up is because the character’s mannerisms would be different than John’s and he probably didn’t take enough time to notice this small detail. And honestly, it is really small. And like I said about the eyes, there’s a reason for that.

Another small thing is that Joker didn’t use any ability in episode 157… hmmm….

Anyway, besides the solid pieces of evidence supporting someone taking advantage of the Joker identity: the consequences of an imposter at Wellston and why they would even try to be one also intrigue me because, well, it’s not a very good theory if it doesn’t make sense now does it? Things don’t just happen because they can. And I know I already said any mid/low-tier would jump at the chance to wield the power that John has, even for a little bit, but the “imposter” in the episode doesn’t actually reveal themself. They don’t even say anything or use Gavin’s belief that they are Joker against him… Now, what purpose would a Joker imposter have if they don’t actually use his influence, which is really the only thing to gain. Or at least if the imposter was a low/mid-tier…

You have to remember that while mid/low-tiers are the obvious suspects for Joker impersonations, a high-tier could easily have mixed himself up in this. Maybe to create chaos in the new abolishment of the hierarchy to get John to realize he needs to bring it back. Maybe just to annoy John, because, hell, I would. Plus they’re wearing a mask so it’s not like John would be able to find them. Or maybe a high-tier would just want to know how it felt to have total freedom and complete anonymity. These people have been scrutinized all their lives. And if one of these is the case, if they already have authority, they wouldn’t need to borrow Joker’s, which would explain why the fake didn’t take advantage of Joker’s position.

What I’m really interested about, concerning all of this, is that as much as this fake Joker would be a ploy to trick the students at Wellston, it really would have a similar effect on the readers as well. The small clues pointing out the differences between our Joker and this one are difficult to spot. I didn’t even realize anything was off until I got a comment about it. Hell, I wrote a small analysis on it. What I’m saying is: if uru-Chan really is trying to create a Joker imposter, then she’s taking care to do it subtly enough so that it is practically impossible for casual readers to pick up on the changes. And, I’ve been thinking… Remember the example I brought up earlier concerning Arlo when he was thought to be Tuesday because of his ability and strength? Well, guess what, Arlo’s eyes glow bright blue. They glow bright blue. Not some color close to the yellow that John has. Which is why I don’t think the orangish color of our current imposter’s eyes is able to be seen by any bystanders or students. I think the mask hides it all, or at least, they go unnoticed by anyone. So, if the students thought that Arlo, whose eyes glow blue, was Tuesday, it wouldn’t be necessary for an imposter’s eyes to closely reflect the color of John’s as no one would notice. This is one of the main reasons why I believe if there is indeed a Joker impersonator, uru-Chan is going through some lengths to ensure that not only do the students in the comic not notice, but the readers don’t as well. This isn’t really a theory, more of an inference based on observation, and obviously this isn’t even important. The only thing I’m trying to prove here is that Uru-chan is literally the best author ever and I hope you guys already know that lol.

The one thing that I’ve really been avoiding here, however, is the who of this theory… Is it really a mid/low-tier? If so, then why didn’t they publicly reveal themselves as Joker? Why didn’t they do anything as Joker? And on the other hand, if it’s a high-tier…. which one could it possibly be? I had an idea for who it could be, and a motive to, but Blyke’s in the hospital which I realized embarrassingly late… And, honestly, damn. I could have argued for a long while about how either he wants to improve his powers and prove himself by defeating John or how Arlo and the other former royals convinced him to pretend to be Joker to unsettle the school and cause John a few headaches. They sound weak right now, but they would’ve been so fun :(.

The thing is: I’m lost. And that’s pretty new for me for this kind of thing. Usually I have some guess that’s based upon more than, well, just guessing. I do, in fact, have a guess though. I really don’t believe that we have been introduced to this character yet, so I’m going to say that Lin, the low-tier, is the Joker imposter for no more reason than he has a small history with John. Not even that. I really don’t believe it’s him.

Anyway, here’s a few other characters I could find that have yellow eyes. Take your pick or maybe go find more I doubt I even got half:

Rouker

Skrev

Darren (lol)

Ability gouge (literally like impossible but who knows what kind of stuff EMBER is doing these days)

So this kind of ended badly for me, but I wish it didn’t. Please post your own ideas below or something because I don’t want this to die :(

[lieblxng]

I’m sorry I haven’t really been active recently. I have this blog free of my personal issues for many reasons, so I won’t go into any details. You can look below if you’re interested in the handful of details I’ll give in the cut. I’ll keep it short, but I suffered rather big emotional problems recently that took so much out of me. One of them, actually roleplay-related. I’m going to therapy, thankfully, and have been for over a year, and I have an amazing support system of wonderful people I love. Still, it’s really difficult for me to handle these issues, and it’s the most broken I’ve gotten in a long while.

I’m going to be a bit inactive because of these reasons (I need to be in the best mental state to roleplay, unfortunately–and I don’t want to tarnish the quality of my replies by just throwing stuff out when I’m not ready), so I apologize for that. Just know, I’m not leaving. I’m just starting to push myself in the FE and the Splatoon, but the Pokémon community is an incredible place I’ve grown attached to, surprisingly. I say surprisingly since I got anxiety attacks from seeing all these fancy blogs and long rules because I was all too used to the very chill Cookie Run RPC. I was worried I wouldn’t fit in, but when I came back from my hiatus in November, I’ve found so many roleplaying partners and even befriended some of them. I feel like I finally have a place in this community, and that I’m not a stranger. Pretty good for only a few months, huh? I’m entirely thankful for all the people who have given me chances and who have interacted with me. Even more thankful for those who have stayed and loved my interpretations!

I really mean it when I say roleplaying is for me to cope. I’ve been coping with it for, what, nine years? It’s something that I’ve gotten close to people from, and I’ve made unbelievable friends that I still have, years later. I even met my partner from these roleplays. It really is something that’s been helping me throughout all the chaos of my life in reality, and something I don’t know what I’d do without. So again, I want to thank everyone who has helped me and has had fun with me! I know it takes me forever to reply, but I value every roleplay I get and I don’t want to stop any of them. My motivation changes too infrequently to my own dismay, but I applaud those who don’t get angry at my low-attention span. Thank you! Now, below, will be the major reason for my sporadic activity that will involve personal issues (talking in heavy detail about abuse and a lot of it). Only go down there if you want to and if you’re able to handle such dark topics.

I will be vague as not to upset anyone–originally I was talking heavily of this, but I found it too graphic and too much of my vulnerable state being seen out in the open. I write this while my anxiety is attacking me, so that isn’t good either. Anyhow, I’ve been suffering all my life in an abusive household, physically and verbally. I remember my mother always insulting me harshly if I bothered her, hitting me as well. The worst of the emotional and physical abuse is from my older brother though. I dreaded whenever something bad happened, as he would always cause an entire fight for the family to get sucked into. Not just arguing, but full-on physical fighting. I remember trying to stand against my brother, and my mother was the only one to stop him from beating me into pieces. So much chaos, I can’t believe we’re still together.

Fortunately or not for me, I have the worst memory and I forget a lot that happens to me, but that doesn’t mean my feelings change easily. But at the same time, they do. I forget the bad things they do, I give them chances, something terrible happens. Rinse and repeat. This has been going on for years and years, and while the chaos has calmed down in a sense, it’s still an ongoing thing. I’ve developed anxiety and depression, so these things are even worse to me. I handle them better, yes, but at the same time, I’m more broken from it all. I can’t continue it anymore.

I’ve always wanted to move out of here, but as my mental health worsened over the years, so did my general performance. I was considered to AP classes when I was young and in school until I took such a heavy hit from everything. Then, I couldn’t even handle normal classes. I had the goal of going to college, to both better my life, and to finally be able to live without being with my family. However, now, I’m unable to due to how much I struggled. I would struggle even more in college and waste thousands of dollars doing so. It’s not worth it.

I can’t be here anymore. Fortunately, I’ve been asked to live with a friend of mine, though I was very unsure if I could, since my mother hangs like an overbearing hawk over me. I’m an adult, yet I have to ask to go to places. I have to write such an essay on who I’m going with. It’s downright irritating and demeaning. I’ve never been free until I recently started to hang with one of my friends from school. We drove in the night, even at 3 AM, doing what we pleased without even informing my mother of all the details. It was honestly the most fun I’ve ever had in my life, even if we were just screaming around like idiots. He’s the only one my mother trusts, but lately, my mother has been guilt-tripping me and accusing me of hating her and everyone in the family, all because I’ve been going to friend’s houses, and not inviting them over. Like, petty highschooler drama business, it’s really sad. She’s nearly 60 years old, and yet she still acts like that. I can’t invite anyone over in the place I hate the most. It’s a whole trip just getting the courage to ask, and it hurts to have shit thrown at me for it. I can’t even stand being here, so why would I bring people I love dearly to such a horrible place? I got an anxiety attack when my friend just entered my house to say hi to my mother a few weeks ago.

I’m going to get out of here, no matter what it takes. I hate this environment, it’s unhealthy for me and I’m not going to be my siblings who decide to stay despite everything bad. I finally got my ID recently (by my therapist; my mother would always say she would help me get it, but she never did–no matter how much I kept reminding her) and while it’s been difficult to find a job that doesn’t deal with Amazon or food (I have anxiety issues with fast-food chains, as my mom would always yell and insult the employees every time we went there), I need one so badly. I’m going to save much money as I can, so I can be prepared for moving out of this place. It’s hard for me to be so pro-self-care about myself, but I deserve better. No one deserves to be in such a toxic home. Hell, this place never felt home to me. I always looked forward to going to school to seek asylum, despite me being bullied there–anything was better than this house. Now that I’m grown and graduated, I don’t have that safe space anymore.

I’m going, whether she likes it or not. I’m going to talk about this to my friend when we next meet up, but I’m also going to take steps to get closer to achieving this goal from my therapist. I don’t even have to tell her I’m going, but I want to leave a message for her when I leave so she doesn’t hunt me down or say I’ve been kidnapped. My therapist said something to me that I’ve been trying to remind myself: I’m an adult, and I can do whatever I want, and I don’t have to ask permission from anyone or tell anyone what I’m doing. She has no legal ties to me since I was a ward of the state when I was a child, meaning she only had guardianship over me until I was 18. I’m nothing to her. I’m so afraid of making her upset or getting her angry at me, I nearly broke down mid-session at the thought of it. After all, I’ve been spending my years, hiding my real self away so I can blend in and not get myself killed in this place. It’s been damaging.

I feel like I’ve talked too much of this, but I did seal it off with a warning and a read more. I think I needed this though, I needed to let out my feelings out on a document. I wanted to sound more enthusiastic about leaving, so I apologize for that and talking so much about this. I will never talk about my personal life negatively again, and if I do, it’s something big. Just in case, I will be making a new tag (TW Personal), so if you don’t want to see this stuff, you can block the tag. Thank you, for whoever has read this far. You didn’t need to, but I’m ever appreciative and I admire how you could survive this heavy content. Take a rest if you can, alright? I love you!