#( at least it helped with insomnia )
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So, Iāve been looking for a real 18th century gowns these days andā¦ itās a total spice-killer. Awful, but, you know, Havelock never had a reason to search for some sassy-hot-stylish gown before relationships with Vimes. I bet he just chose the most simple one and used to wear it until the Feet of Clay times. And then there was an unexpected amount of people who saw his āno one is going to see me sleeping in this thingā gown in just three days. So he found it rational to buy a new one.
A new model that was kindly provided by the seamstress-guild shopšš
Oh and look at the young baby here. He NEEDS a long good nap
He wonāt think it was a good idea if he had enough sleep! But you know, all that paperwork and ruling Ank-Morpork after Snapcase must be exhausting.
Quick reminder: Wuffles is the best boy!
And the last pic in a good quality, because it took me so long to render it, that it would be a shame to not post it separately. Look at the gown!āØāØāØāØ /I just sit here with the same expression as Vimes/
P.S. I may be a bit dumb when it comes to Tumbler and I still didnāt figure out how to answer the repostsš
But I see them all and Iām always open to new ideas what else to draw or criticismšš
P.P.S. Tw: HORRIBLE FASHION DECISIONS OF THE PAST
(These were the references. Thanks gods we invented Pyjamas)
#discworld#look at the young poor baby-Havelock on the right#it is what happens when itās not enough of commanders love in patricians life#but at least he has Wuffles#and insomnia#and stress#and anxiety#poor lord Vetinari destined to be the only tyrant of Ank-Morpork to actually work#but Sam Vimes will help himšš#just give them some time#vetvimes#havelock vetinari#vimes x vetinari#fanart#lord vetinari#terry pratchett#sam vimes#gnu terry pratchett#ukrart#art#artists on tumblr#procreate#discworld fanart#old man yaoi
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hate that my only two modes are "cant sleep no matter how tired i feel" and "cant stay up no matter how much sleep i get"
anyway ive slept 18 of the past 24 hours and im STILL EXHAUSTED
#kcqt rambles#this time at least i blame it on my insomnia meds#which i stopped taking for a while but did take yesterday bc ive been having so much trouble sleeping lately#when i was regularly taking them before i was also on another med that was supposed to give me energy#like. id take my help-me-sleep meds at night and my wake-me-up meds in the morning#but i stoppedtaking that one cause of the side effects :/#so now im just. perpetually fucking eepy#need a new wake-me-up med to take#aaanyway we'll see if i manage to sleep tonight or if im just. nocturnal now š#wish me luck? ig?#:/
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>i join a server for systems
> the rules dictate what my littles can and cannot do "for their own safety because they're literally children"
> i leave
#'all alters under the age of 16 must stay in the section where cursing and topics with any sort of maturity are banner'#what if the 4 year old wants to talk about how she smokes weed to deal with panic attacks and help with insomnia#shes not actually physically 4 you know she can smoke weed#and she swears just as much as everyone else idk why shed have to be protected from adult language#like if your littles do thats fine but why would you assume ALL syskids follow that or feel comfortable following that#my littles feel they CANNOT EXPRESS THEMSELVES AT ALL if they are limited to disney channel appropriate content#and theyre not out here like. making dick jokes or anything but when they get angry they say fuck#and talk about gore and drugs and trauma#besides. i think at least half of the people in the world swear around their kids and they turned out fine#we learned to swear when were 10 and swore often to express ourself as a child#most parents ive met swear around their children. not at mind you just around.#like most parents wont. drop a carrot on a patch of cat fur on the floor. and then go to the other room to quietly mutter FUCK#and they shouldnt have to#irl children shouldnt be completely cut off from swears they should be taught the appropriate time to use them#idk im just sick of people providing syskids with literally less agency than they would an actual IRL child.
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upsides to having idiopathic hypersomnia: i can tell people that a doctor diagnosed me with a case of the sleepytireds and i am, essentially, telling the truth
#also sleepy bitch disorder#or sleepy little guy disease#depending on the vibes of the moment#because if you don't already know:#'hypersomnia' means 'too much sleep'#(the opposite of insomnia... at least in theory)#and 'idiopathic' means 'we don't know the cause'#so idiopathic hypersomnia is literally 'you sleep a lot and we don't know why'#a very helpful diagnosis clearly /s#personal#shitpost#hypersomnia#idiopathic hypersomnia
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Undertale yellow flowey embroidery
This took about 40 hours, give or take a few
#I can tell you one thing#Embroidering while having arthritis is really not a piece of cake. When you hand cramps just by holding it at an angle.#At least I can be grateful for my empty schedule#Makes embroidering till the sun rises back up so much easier#Insomnia also helps with this task#I was listening to the ost while working on it andā¦ Live reaction#Occupied turf is so good actually !? Why wasnāt it shown more often !? ITāS FIRE !?#I forgot I only did a pacifist so I got so confused when neutral Flowey came outā¦#A motherās love ? Shouldāve called this āIām gonna fuck you upā#The number of time I got my ass handed back to me in this fight is not even funny#The first time is great. The second I only discern my favorites and the sudden change in style. By the third loop I canāt recognize shit#my brain is melting and my eyes are on fireā¦#Advantages on doing it during daytime. Eyes hurt less. Good stupid tv to listen to in the background Disadvantages. People#Advantages on doing it at night. Alone. Personally work better at night#Disadvantages. No good TV. Time goes by slowerā¦? I donāt know maybe Iām just loosing it with those freaking petals#For reference one petal took me about 3 and a half hours. So yeahā¦ I thought it would never endā¦ Took out almost all my yellow.#When the line tangles itself in the back and you realize only close to the end of it that half went missing#So you have to go backward to entangle it and loose 30 mins because damn it#Cats are not helpful in any of those scenarios#Why do I feel the need to make the back perfect when nobody else but me will know#This is the last time I do one so big without thinking it through#Note to self. Donāt do it standing up when the cats are awake. She just destroyed my stomach#I think iām losing it#Back after a few weeks#God this white thread is doing my head inā¦ Iām willing to bet my leg half the time I spent on the face was me untangling it.#Iām almost done. Itās finally over. Dark brown took exactly 4 h and 13 mins#undertale#undertale yellow#embroidery#Iām thinking of doing Boris the wolf next. Because I just found the perfect rendition to put on my wall
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I think I'm gonna start referring to my psychiatrist as my drug dealer because it feels like a more of a honest title of what they do
#I'm like Ā«this shit is weak as fuckĀ»#and they just go Ā«ok try this oneĀ»#I ask whether they can maybe help me find the root cause and fix it but they act like they don't know anything about how to do that#I tried the whole list of drugs they could offer and none of it worked#my previous psych literally just pulled Ā« that's weird idk lmao I'm too bald for thisĀ»#and then just ignored me#my current seems at least to care a little more#insomnia
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...
#i am Dying#so for reasons im not gonna get into i stopped taking my meds a couple months ago#and luckily my mood and depression/anxiety hasnt been an issue at all!!#in fact im usually very happy and content#but one thing has come back and its come with a fucking vengeance#like i thought it was annoying in high school#but now its downright hindering#like im making up for the past 9 years or whatever#and i didnt realize until this week that its probably bc im off my meds#and unfortunately its making my insomnia bad again which means im starting to have another issue that i had in hs#its only happened once but if it continues then things will get bad lol#im trying to be vague on purpose bc this is soooo embarrassing#i cant talk to my friends abt it bc we dont talk abt that stuff (or at least they dont w me so i dont feel comfortable bringing it up)#and i would talk to my sister but i dont want her to know im off my meds#so like. dying#i have a plethora of my insomnia/anxiety/depression meds dont get me wrong#but in order to take them again i need to update my insurance w the doctor#then go to the doctor#then get a referral to a specialist#who can hopefully help me#and then i can take my meds again#i knowww i should bc my slope be slippin#but like im in a good mood and am content with everything in my life but my work and my issue that i need a specialist for#so im not very motivated to do things i dont wanna do#idkkkk#sorry im rambling lmao#vani.key
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Lying awake at night thinking about the fact that we never got to see Antoine's lore. I want to know more about him, and what the deal was between him / The Federation / Cucurucho.
#i talk#qsmp talk#My insomnia is EXTREMELY bad today this is a new low good lord#Wound up working on the Pac Figma a bit more and admittedly that probably didn't help#But at least I'm chipping away at it#I still have a lot of issues with the design but eh. I'm gonna have to make some allowances for it#It won't be perfect because Good Smile doesn't make Figma parts that look like his design#And there's only so much I can build from the ground up#Been tweaking his hair and hoodie a lot#Wound up cutting the bottom of the hoodie open again and reshaped it since I didn't like how wide it was at the bottom#Let's see how it goes this time#I think I'll do a bit more spray painting tomorrow since that always makes me feel better#Hard to know how good a thing looks when it's all mismatched pieces with different colors#when the hoodie was spraypainted blue I felt better about it (even though I added more shaping / clay to it later and now it's ugly)#so I'll have to spraypaint that again since it needed another coat anyways#but that's a problem for another day
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maybe popping a couple ibuprofen, chugging tap water and cleaning my room at 3am while listening to some kind of gyaru j-rap(? sorry I don't have any knowledge about this area of music genres...) will fix me?
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song in question:
youtube
#insomnia's got me by the throat once again. least i can do is sort through all my dirty clothes to get them ready for the wash#things have been piling up and me being sick isn't helping#trying to combat the feelings of uselessness and pointlessness by doing something to improve my surroundings#Youtube
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Chronic joint pain is being unable to sleep at 2am because of the burning-acid feeling in your ankle even though you have work tomorrow
#chronic joint pain#chronic illness#ambulatory cane user#send help#painsomnia#sure I have insomnia#but half the time itās cause my joints are being melted by acid#at least thatās what it feels like#let me sleep
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whelp. i got nothing done today thanks to the gummy i ate yesterday. i slept the majority of the day. see ya tomorrow! sweet dreams!
#š„ mango speaks#( feel free to send me memes or random ic asks )#( geezus i'm so tired )#( at least it helped with insomnia )
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What about au where smiler was partially marmalised and works for the ministry and is trying to manipulate Victor and Alice into getting marmalised and becoming advocates
*waggles hand* So, not opposed to such an AU, but it would have to end with Alice and Victor getting Smiler out of the Ministry instead of Smiler successfully getting them to become Advocates. Reason being is, well, a Smiler working for the Ministry and trying to manipulate Victor and Alice is an unethical mind controller! And we know what Alice does to unethical mind controllers:
[ID: Animated gif by thedestinysunknown of the moment in A:MR when Alice, in her Wonderland form, shoves Bumby off the platform of the Underground station and into the path of an oncoming train]
Yeaaah, if you've ever thought my Smiler seems a little nice when compared to the coaster's actual theme, that's the reason. I had to give them ethics, otherwise they were going to get stabbed. So yeah, an AU like that would have to be along the lines of Smiler trying to get Victor and Alice to join up, only for Victor and Alice to instead show THEM how the Ministry is actually not really interested in happiness and is pretty evil honestly and get them out of there. (Which is actually not dissimilar to what happens in my Londerland Bloodlines AU (after the events of the game), where Smiler THINKS they've joined a group interested in making people happy and helping them through rough patches in their lives, but in fact the Ministry they've fallen in with is Ministry as in "Formerly The Followers of Set," and THEY'RE more interested in corrupting people with false joy...awful shame that they end up targeting Victor...)
#anonymous#ask#valicer#ministry employee AU#it's an interesting idea#just I have to go with the 'Smiler is ultimately redeemable' angle#because otherwise#see the gif#that is the tricky part about having an OT3 where one member is based off of a brainwashing machine coaster#and the other dealt with an evil brainwashing psychiatrist corrupting not only her but literal children#you gotta make sure your coaster OC is actually a decent human being#suppose it helps that I tend to focus on the more fun silly parts of the canon instead of the creepy parts#the Smiler most like the coaster is probably my Valicer In The Dark Smiler#and even THEN they don't actually pressure Victor and Alice into joining the Advocates cult#hell Smiler doesn't even mention they're a hypnotist for a while because they're worried it'll decrease maximum happiness in the group#(they end up revealing it after they think it'll add to happiness if they use it to help Victor's insomnia#but that's another post)#basically all the evil stuff tends to get offloaded onto Dr. Kelman#because he is a Convenient Evil Psychiatrist#and Smiler gets to be lots of fun and at least reasonably ethical
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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Why does exhaustion lie to me? Iāll wake up one day and be like āwow, I actually have so much energy!ā and then two hours later I feel like I got hit by a bus or something
Is this how normal people feel? Does everyone else go through life feeling constantly at least a little tired? Is this what being an adult is? I donāt even remember when this started but I donāt think I was like this before I turned 12
#emma posts#maybe I should ask one of my doctors about it#Iām not sure what they could do to fix it though#it seems like itās just a side affect of at least one other thing#and the insomnia doesnāt help
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What's a little comforting is that people with terminal insomnia don't live as long as I have been already living with mine. At least that's what I've been told
#and I'm not about to google it to check because I'm perfectly happy to believe there's no chance it could still apply to me#but I can't help it but feel like it will indeed fucking kill me at this rate#I hope it's just the dramatic bitch in me but it's not even fear rn but I just catch myself thinking things like#Ā«I should get rid of those things because maybe I'll die soon and it'll be a wasteĀ»#like bro what the fuck are you saying why are you like this if something kills you it will be your sense of optimism for sure#definitely an overdramatic inner bastard that needs to be shushed#it'll get better surely#at least it always had in the past why should this be any different#fuckkkkkkk I'm gonna delete it later#I just need to scream into the void somewhere and it just happened that tumblr had become one#bad habit like smoking but oversharing needlessly about things that should be better kept private#upd. Lmao I googled it and it appears I mixed up the terms#terminal insomnia is actually better than whatever I have#I meant the fatal one
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Me: *hasn't slept in about 20 hours* š¶ Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride š¶
Also me: *pours a cup of coffee and adds an unholy amount of sugar* š¶ Ain't nothin' gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin' š¶
#IN MY DEFENSE#the āØļøinsomniaāØļø won this round lads#but i have Very Important Adult Things to Do Today#which includes going in to shadow for an office job a friend is helping me to hopefully get#side note i actually really hope i get this job#anyway#and then after that i have a council meeting at church#which puts me at being busy from at the very least 12:00 noon--8:00 PM tonight#dear god help me#insomniac#insomnia#no sleep#lack of sleep#sleep deprived ramblings#sleep deprived#sleep deprivation#i hate insomnia#i hate it even more on nights when i have important stuff the next day#shitpost
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