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lanayru-the-water-god · 11 months

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Living with secrets

While Lanayru’s physical strength has returned, Nerin soon finds out that her waterdrop has been keeping a secret of her own.

(Part 5 of the “All for the maiden” series)

Word count: 2683

The back doors to Lanayru’s palace glimmer in the light, their intricate white and gold pattern standing out against the sky-blue of the surrounding area. Nerin approaches, her heart racing with anticipation as she pictures her best friend’s smiling face. Lanayru had sent her today, supposedly to hang out like they always do. At last.

In the weeks since the Water Goddess’s awakening, Lanayru has kept her distance in order to catch up on all the days she missed. Although Nerin has understood why, she has lived through each day with an ache in her heart, longing to spend more time with Lanayru; they could sit and giggle together, playing with the new baby dragon, teasing Cordelia and the other Dwellers…just like it had been before.

The Swan Goddess stops in front of the doors, her brows furrowing with confusion. While there is usually a Dweller or two sitting outside to guard the place, today it is eerily silent. Nobody is here.

Taking a deep breath, she tries to open the right-hand door, only to find that it’s locked. Just as she raises her fist up to knock, a click sounds from the other side and the door pulls open.

She was waiting right here!

“Lanayru!” she shrieks with delight. “Oh, it’s so—“

The figure in the doorway frowns, her royal blue and purple hair taking Nerin aback.

That’s…not Lanayru.

“Oh…Cordelia.” She puts her hand back down to her side and smiles, trying to hide her disappointment. “I-I’m sorry, I thought—“

“It’s alright.” Dweller 2 chuckles, stepping aside to let Nerin in. “But there is something important I must discuss with you, before I let you see her.”

The Swan Goddess freezes, trying to peer down the hall. “Can’t that wait for just a bit? Where is she?”

“I can’t tell you yet. Lady Lanayru’s orders. Please, just follow me, and soon your questions shall be answered.”

Cordelia closes the door behind them, locking it in place, before leading a nervous Nerin down the elegant corridor. The Dweller’s colored hair stands out starkly against the rest of her figure, dressed in all black with a glimmering cape nearly touching the floor. Her heels click-clack against the tiles, as do Nerin’s, and the Swan Goddess marvels at the woman Lanayru created all those centuries ago.

She is truly beautiful.

But observing Lanayru’s creation brings her back to Lanayru, and her heart sinks again. A situation like this has never happened before, and she wonders if something has gone wrong. It must have, right? The Water Goddess wouldn’t shut herself out otherwise…

The two reach the sitting room, with its large intricate windows and flowy white curtains. Nerin checks around the room for Lanayru, only to find nobody there. Cordelia draws her attention to the low round table at the center of the room, where a piece of paper sits atop one end. It has writing on it. A letter.

“Is this for me?” Nerin asks, reaching out to take it.

“Indeed, this is from your waterdrop. I shall let you read it now…it might be difficult to do so.”

What does that mean?

With careful hands, the Swan Goddess holds up the paper, filled on both sides with unmistakable small, loopy writing. Lanayru’s writing.

Her heart pounds in her chest as she begins…

My darling Fea,

This is not an easy letter to write. I must inform you that I am not doing well. Although I may have regained my strength now, my emotional state has deteriorated. I have laid in my bed weeping, for you and for what I must have put you through. For I, too, have a secret. I have been hiding this from you since my head cleared enough to fully think, and I believe it’s time I let it out. While I would like to share this news with you face to face, I am too heavy with guilt to do so, and for that I hope you can forgive me.

You might still be thinking of how you’re gonna tell me, right? Or if you will at all. So let me make this easier, ok?

You don’t need to tell me, Nerin.

I know.

I always knew.

My words now may sting, I am aware you have wanted to keep this from me, and I am truly sorry. But I feel this is the only way. We are both dealing with heavy emotions and baggage to carry, mine from giving you such a traumatic experience, and yours from trying to keep me unaware of the truth. Don’t try to deny it, I see from your behavior how much you’ve been hurting, and each occurrence of this deals a heavy blow to my heart.

Again, my deepest apologies for keeping this to the written word. Now that I have explained this to you, I think we shall finally talk it out. Only then will I begin to heal.

I am outside, on the terrace by the right-hand side of the room. Please come, little one.

Much love,

Lana

The letter slips out of the Swan Goddess’s hands, and she freezes in place, unable to move. Lanayru still knew she still fucking knew oh my gods she knew this whole time-

“You okay, Lady Nerin?”

Startled, she whips around to face the blue-haired Dweller, still standing behind her.

“Oh, Cordelia, I’m sorry-“

“She’s over there.” Cordelia points to a large set of glass doors, her black and silver bracelets jingling. “Go to her, she’s been upset for quite some time.”

Through the glass and out onto the elegant patio, a familiar figure catches Nerin’s eye: the back of a short blonde bob with two pointy ears sticking out, the long flowy skirts in baby blue, droplet-shaped earrings glistening in the light…

“Lanayru!!” The Swan Goddess bolts for the door without thought, letting her dainty legs take her, and leaving Cordelia inside. With quick fingers she swings the door open and steps outside, closing it behind her.

The Water Goddess sits at the edge of a small spring, on a smooth round border functioning as a bench. She doesn’t turn her head, just stares out into the beautiful views of her domain, hands clasped in her lap. Does she know I’m here? Did she hear me?

“Lanayru?” Nerin calls out tentatively, approaching where her best friend is seated. At the sound of her name, the Water Goddess finally turns to look.

“…You came,” she breathes, relief filling her blue eyes and tender face. “I…I didn’t know if you would be mad at me.”

“Mad?? Why would I be mad?”

“Because I wouldn’t tell you that I knew.” Lanayru gently taps the spot next to her. “Here, why don’t you sit down?”

Nerin obeys, tucking her skirts back slightly before taking a seat next to her friend. The slight breeze produces a soft jingling sound, from the silver and white jewelry dangling from her dress and four sets of earrings.

“You knew…this whole time? H-how did you figure it out? Did you—“ She pauses in thought, her mind flashing back to the moment of Lanayru’s first awakening. “Do you remember that day?”

“…What day?”

“When you first woke up from recharging.”

“No…? I mean, I remember waking up, at some point, and then…” Lanayru’s brow furrows. “I don’t think you were there, though…just Cordelia. She told me I was fading in and out for a while, and…after that it gets a bit fuzzy, sorry.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Nerin smiles slightly. “I just wanted to make sure…I know I’ve asked you that before and you said no, but…”

“You think I would lie to you?”

“No, of course not! It’s just that…” A weak, half-conscious Lanayru comes to her mind as she trails off, bringing a pang to her chest.

“What?” the Water Goddess asks. “What happened?”

Might as well tell her now.

“Well…” Nerin starts, a sigh escaping her lips. “You figured it out. Right then and there. I didn’t think you would, you were barely conscious and so disoriented, but—I told you too much, I gave myself away.” The solemn, guilt-stricken look on Lanayru’s face is enough to break her heart. “For thirty-five days I thought about how to tell you the story, with the hopes that you would never have to know, and since you haven’t brought it up again I thought—“

“I’m so sorry…” Lanayru touches a ringed hand to one of Nerin’s own, gazing into her eyes. “Guess I figured it out more than once, then. But when I heard your story, the one I remember…I saved Ivory, and then you came to carry me back to my domain, devastated to see me lying passed out on the ground. When I started to gain more awareness I realized that this story wasn’t adding up, little one. Why wouldn’t you have been there when your maiden was dying? In your spring of all places? The others wouldn’t have waited to call you until she was unconscious, right? And why would I be out there with her and not you? I’m never in your spring by myself…it all just sounded like one big cover-up to hide something else that troubled you. So to make it 100 percent certain, I recently brought my concerns to Cordelia. She confirmed it.”

Damn it.

DAMN IT!

Why did I tell all the Dwellers??

“….Oh, Lana…” she replies, as the Water Goddess moves her hand to fidget with a fold of her skirt. “I really didn’t want you to know. That’s why I never told you, because all this guilt you’re feeling- I was certain this would be your reaction.”

Lanayru stays silent, glancing down at her lap and letting out a deep exhale. For a second the only sound is the soft ripples of spring water, and the quiet chirping of distant bluebirds.

“My darling…I never wanted you to go through this, little one,” she speaks eventually, without looking up. “And none of this would have happened in the first place if I hadn't…you know…”

“Lanayru. No.” Nerin scolds. “Please don’t blame yourself! Do you know what would have happened had you not done anything?”

The Water Goddess nods her head slowly. “…Yeah, of course I do.”

“So you did a good thing, waterdrop, trust me. You saved someone’s life. Yes, what I had to witness was heartbreaking, but I’ll live. It’s much better than the alternative.”

She cringes as she speaks the last few words. No, don’t think about it. That didn’t happen. But she can’t help but picture if Ivory had been the one to die, not Lanayru…

“Little one…tell me.” Finally, Lanayru meets her gaze, tears running down her pale face. “What was that like?”

Nerin’s heart sinks in her chest, as she lets out a sigh.

“If you must know, it was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to…” She trails off. “Sorry, that’s not helping you at all—“

“No, go on. Please, tell me the truth.”

“…Okay,” she continues. “Well, you know how I told you that Ivory wasn’t awake to see you fall?” Taking in a breath, she hesitates. “The thing is, uh…she was. I lied to you, waterdrop. She was awake and very much lucid, and I wanted her to think you simply passed out. So after you went limp I buried my head into your chest so she wouldn’t see, and oh gods, I knew what to expect, but you weren’t breathing, you had no heartbeat, it was all just fucking silent, and I stayed there forever, minutes, hours, who knows how long it was…and Ivory tried to touch you but I shooed her away…it was haunting to not hear the beating of your heart because I knew you would come back but you were also gone, Lanayru, you were fucking dead—“

Burying her face into her hands, Nerin chokes out a sob. The memories she had been holding in are now free, giving her a tiny sense of relief, but now it’s almost as if she’s back in her spring, her head on top of Lanayru’s unmoving chest to shield the truth from her maiden…and she wants to forget this but she can’t, she can’t—

“…Fea?”

Slowly she lifts her head, at the sound of her precious nickname, to face her friend’s worried gaze.

“Oh, little one, I’m so sorry I asked…”

“Don’t apologize, please. You said we need to talk this out…I shouldn’t keep it inside any longer.”

“Well…” The Water Goddess sniffles, wiping a tear with her hand. “Is there…anything else?”

“I, uh…I do have one question,” Nerin’s own tears spill down her face as she watches her friend’s gloomy expression. “How-how long does that last? Before the resurrection?”

“Nobody knows exactly, my darling…but from our estimates, I would say up to two minutes.”

“…Two minutes??”

All of the pain, the waiting, the torture of silence…it was only two minutes?

“Yeah…that’s it, little one. I simply can’t fathom how long that must have felt for you, I mean—“

“Too long,” Nerin breathes. “It was too fucking long.”

Lanayru breaks eye contact with her friend, leaving the pair in silence briefly, before finally opening her mouth to speak again.

“…Rin, I am so sorry…beyond what words can say, I—I’m the reason you had to suffer like this, my stupid Healing Grace that wasn’t made for saving others, curse me! If only I was born with a power that didn’t fucking kill me every time I saved someone, I—“ Lanayru holds her hands out and weeps, stamping her foot onto the tiles in frustration and anger. “Whatever I do, I try to-to give one person…a second chance but I just end up hurting another! I’m never enough, I-“ She chokes on her own tears, letting out what must have been clawing through her since she discovered the truth. “I will…never be enough—“

Too heartbroken to respond, Nerin wraps an arm around Lanayru, bringing her in closer, and the Water Goddess rests her head on her friend’s fluffy feather shawl.

“I can’t forgive myself,” she continues, “I—I gave you…a traumatic experience… and now—now you still wanna be friends with the one who failed you.”

“Woah woah woah, Ru, stop,” Nerin interjects. “What makes you think you failed me?? That couldn’t be farther from the truth, waterdrop, you know that. You did everything you could to make sure my maiden wouldn’t leave me.”

“Y-yeah, I just…I wish I could save someone…without losing myself.” Lanayru sniffles, her tears running onto the shawl, and Nerin only squeezes her tighter. “I don’t wanna lose myself. All that does is hurt you.”

“I know, sweetie…oh, I wish I could change that for you…I don’t wanna lose you either. But you come back, right? You always do…and we get through it, we come back stronger. So we can get through this too, alright?”

Nerin gently runs a hand through Lanayru’s soft hair, feeling the silky strands between her fingers. The last few weeks have been draining, and she can only imagine how painful it’s all been for her friend. Pain that will take time to fully heal from.

Lanayru sighs. “…Alright.”

“Good, my darling. You will always be enough, remember that. Your Healing Grace may be less than perfect, but you’re still beautiful, kind, selfless…You’re still my Lanayru.”

“Aww…that’s so sweet…” The Water Goddess slowly lifts her head to look her companion in the eye. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Please, waterdrop…there is nothing wrong with you, ok? You have the most compassionate heart of anyone I know, and you never want any of us to suffer. I’m proud of you for telling me the truth, Ru.”

“Well…I can’t go through this alone,” Lanayru replies, wiping a tear with her sleeve. “Thank you, Fea. I really owe you one.”

Nerin smiles at her friend’s words of gratitude, even knowing that a repayment is never necessary. Just having her friend here, alive and breathing, with her full strength returned, is all she needs.

Because together, they can finally take their first steps on the long road to healing.

#the goddess lanayru #bailey writes #nerin the swan goddess (by the amazing trippy!)#ivory the swan maiden (also by trippy)#<< mentioned #holy shit this is loooong #and i hope the way it ended makes sense lol they do get a hug too :)

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